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VoodooVince
Reviews
Låt den rätte komma in (2008)
Warning - pretentious film lover alert.
Film critics (and aspiring amateur pretenders) never cease to amaze me. They love nothing more than laying into "dumb" Hollywood productions for a lack of plausibility yet consistently let foreign productions off the hook for the very same mistakes. Many called this quiet little Swedish film a masterpiece. You have got to be kidding me? Let me see now, if this was a Michael Bay production do you think they'd overlook these corkers? Read on.....
Eli has a guardian figure who murders innocents and collects their blood. You get the impression Eli and him have been around for quite some time. This moron decides to abduct and murder a young man yards from a main road. His attempts to extract blood consist of a funnel and a makeshift bucket. It's so idiotic it's embarrassing. Naturally he's spotted and has to bolt. We then see him sitting on a train holding his waterproofs which are splattered with blood. In full view of everyone. Unbelievable. This clown wouldn't last a week in this line of work.
It gets worse. This same philistine decides to try again. This time in a SCHOOL. Yup, you read that right. He hangs a lad upside down in the changing room, primed for throat slitting, bucket at the ready. He doesn't even gag the boy. What happens? The boy has friends waiting for him outside and he starts SHOUTING for help. Mr Murderer really is as dumb as they come right? This time he's cornered. Solution? Pours acid on his face so the police won't recognise him and garner a lead to Eli! Hahaha. Masterpiece right?!!
Not only that, if you're going to murder people for blood why not just let Eli feed there and then? Why wander around with waterproofs, funnels and buckets when she can just come along??! It's so dumb it hurts.
There's more. There are dead bodies dropping left and centre. We even have a man witness Eli maul his friend. Yet there is no discernible police investigation, no one reports anything to anyone. The stupidity of every character is mind boggling.
A local woman is attacked and infected by Eli. She survives but is now a vampire. She and her husband both know full well who attacked her. The young, creepy looking girl who stays just over there! Yet they tell no one. She's never interviewed and her husband doesn't crack a light to anyone. He has his own little revenge mission which also ends in complete and utter farce. No surprise there.
Oskar's relationship with his dad is never fleshed out and has absolutely no bearing on the film at all. Why was it even in there? Another mystery not explained.
We see Oskar at the end heading to pastures new with Eli in a box. Haha, another belter. I'm sure his mum was happy to just let her 12 year old boy leave home, no questions asked. Perhaps he's fled of his own accord? On a PUBLIC train! One call to the authorities and he'd be picked up at the very next station. It's so stupid it's borderline offensive.
I could go on, really I could. Here we have a film where the characters commit the same cardinal sins which normally have critics rolling their eyes in disdain. Yet they turned a blind eye this time. Don't be fooled. This is not a masterpiece in a million years.
Lighthouse (1999)
Mind bogglingly bad
Where do you begin to summarise a film like this? The start I guess. Oh wait - there isn't one. You know you're in for a rough time when a film's opening drops you into a scene that feels like you've somehow already missed 10 minutes. Who are these people? Where are they and what hell are they doing? The director/screenwriter doesn't bother with any of that. They're people on a boat. With a bad man. Who escapes. That's about all you're getting folks. What then follows is some of the worst direction, acting, editing and photography you will ever have the misfortune to witness. It's truly mind numbing that a film with such horrendous technical deficiencies could ever pass muster. They should have dropped the final cut of this mess into a vat of acid and tossed the director in after it. That would have spared us this nonsense and any other ideas Hunter may have in his head.
0/10
Ratcatcher (1999)
Oh no, not again
Here we have yet another film portraying Glasgow to the world as the most depressing city on earth. Yes, I realise there are those who lived this way (and some still do) but do does every film based in Glasgow have to be a one note social commentary? "Oh look, it's gray!" "Listen, everyone speaks like trash!" "Look, all the women are hard as nails and pug ugly!" "Shock horror, everyone's always fighting!" That in itself isn't the main flaw with this film though. The bottom line is it's a plotless, storyless waste of time. Ramsay thinks she's clever. She isn't. Any fool from Glasgow could shoot a film centering on the city's problems. Which are, unsurprisingly enough, much the same as any other city's problems. This isn't new and it certainly isn't interesting. Having said that, it was hard for me to view this film objectively. Maybe I'm incapable of an unbiased review but how many of these miserable, offensive film's can one bear? We're not all uneducated pilgrims you know.
Ritânâ (2002)
Wasted opportunity
I can forgive this film for it's derivate nature. I have no real concerns with it pinching elements from a myriad of films. (If you see it you'll know which films) What annoys me is even with the blatant plagiarising going on it could have been so much better than it turned out to be. Three main factors murder the film in cold blood. One is the sorry excuse for a script. Just because the premise was unoriginal didn't mean they had to throw in every cliche in the book. It's awful, awful writing. Plain embarrassing. I squirmed on many occasions. Secondly the soundtrack. What a mess. Bouncing from heavy rock to dance fused rock to serene piano and strings all within a few scenes. It's one of the worst soundtracks ever and seriously disrupts the film. Lasty are the character inconsistencies. Our hero flits from being an unstoppable, brutal, emotionless killing machine with no fear to a scared kid getting freaked out by a fire alarm. It just doesn't sit right at all. His character arc is all over the place. All these factors, not the story itself, contribute to dragging Returner down to straight to video hell. A shame as the production values ain't too bad. One last thing. The director handles the action well but seemingly has no idea what type of film he wants to make. The tone of the film zig zags from one extreme to the other leaving you completely bewildered. If you can ignore the poor writing and the messy structure then you may get some enjoyment from this little flick. The action scenes ain't too bad after all. Don't expect too much from the film itself though.
5/10
Tasogare Seibei (2002)
Wonderful
What a lovely, patient film this is. I only hope the title doesn't confuse anyone who fancies a bit of "Baby In The Cart" type swordplay! Although it may well have Samurai in the title this film is not about swords or martial arts at all. It is a great drama which concentrates on the life and times of a man having to deal the best he can with the cards that life have dealt him. It's a sad, touching film where the protagonist has dignity and honour at his core. The director is in no hurry to tell the tale and that's where it scores many points for me. The slowburn style of the movie is perfect and sits wonderfully well with the character we're spending our two hours with. A rushed, pacy narrative wouldn't have worked at all and it's to the directors credit he allows the story room to breathe. A blind purchase on DVD for me and worth every penny. Excellent.
9/10
Mean Machine (2001)
Absolutely awful
I can't believe some of the reviews in here. Are you guys kidding me? This film is utter bollocks on every level. Bad acting, diabolical script, stereotypical characters and truly embarrassing editing. All of it's bad. And predictable. Corrupt warden? Check. Inside gangster pulling all the strings? Check. Handyman to get you what you need? Check. Slimy prisoner tipping off guards? Check. Badass guard who beats the prisoners? Check. Unpopular new prisoner who rises to become a hero? Check. CLICHED CRAP.
2/10
Tears of the Sun (2003)
I can't recommend it
Tears Of The Sun is a distinctly average film that has an interesting premise but starts rolling downhill and rather than redeem itself it just keeps on rolling to mediocrity. The problems are obvious. A cliched script, hokey performances (you listening Miss Bellucci?) and tired, pedestrian direction. Even during the war scenes Fugua can't quite capture the action. You never really feel in the heat of the battle. In the same way he can't quite capture the atrocities committed by the Nigerian Muslims. It's just all too slick. The cinematography and music render void acts of violence that should otherwise shock and appall us. Instead it feels manipulative, never visceral or truly affecting. Too neat and never brave enough. Then creeps in the lack of characterization. You're supposed to care for the brave Seals who risk their lives gallantly defending the war torn locals. As a variety of them are invariably lost in combat the music swirls and the camera pans around their last moments but it never feels even remotely concerning. A combination of the script and slick style that detracts from the message the film is trying to convey. In the hands of a braver director this film could have worked, even with the clunky script, but it's a wasted opportunity. Black Hawk Down dealt with a similar situation to far greater effect. Maybe Ridley Scott is what was needed to save Tears.
**/*****
Wo de fu qin mu qin (1999)
Heartwarming and beautiful
*Minor spoilers*
What a beautiful, beautiful film this is. What interests me is here we have a film that is essentially a love story with no sex, no kissing, no falling out and falling back in again, no bickering. In fact a love story so subtle the protagonists barely even TOUCH. So why is this my favourite love tale ever? Well that's the beauty of Zhang Yimou's mesmerizing direction. I can't really explain why I love it but I'll try. This is a film of few words and maybe that's the point. Yimou captures your heart using images. Just the way Zhang Ziyi walks in this film is enough to thump me in the heart. Yimou gives the film amazing room to breath using only lush scenery, coupled with stunning photography, which pulls you into the film and allows you to bask in it's beauty. It's here the film gets at your emotional core. Yimou is a true master of the art and surely the best film maker alive at the moment. This simply has to be seen.
10/10
Mou gaan dou (2002)
Absolutely awesome
A seriously refreshing police thriller that cranks up the tension to the max. There's no overblown gunplay or buddy cop crap here, this baby is tight as a drum and will have your nails down to the quick. Superb performances, a tight script and tense direction make this a winner in every department. Pick it up if you can, it's fantastic.
9/10
Niz
Mystic River (2003)
I guess you need to read the book
*SPOILERS*
Flicking through the other reviews here it's becoming clear to me those who didn't read the book are having trouble with the ending. Sean Devine kind of shrugging off Jimmy's crime. He doesn't, it's just at that point he realises he has nothing on Jimmy and is completely unsurprised by his actions. The little gun shot with the hand at the very end and Jimmy's reaction tells you all you need to know. Devine isn't letting Jimmy away with anything. Those moaning about the dark ending, unlucky. This isn't a sugary Hollywood happy, driving into the sunset kind of film. That should have been obvious from the start. Those wondering where Annabeth's sudden burst of hard cored bitterness arose from should have watched more carefully. She's morally ambiguous throughout the whole film, never being anything more than there. Her comments at the end were her introduction to the film. Before that she was largely irrelevant and that was the intent. People say she "turned". How did she? She was never portrayed as being anything until the scene at the end revealed her true character. She's a Savage remember. It would appear the viewers who got this film had read the book. So that would allow the naysayers to slam the film makers for failing to create a fluent film for those who hadn't read the book. I disagree. If you're appalled by the moral tone of the film and supposedly moral characters being nothing of the sort then you won't like the book either. It's pretty much what you see. The message is clear. You should never be surprised by what people are capable of, regardless of how they may appear. That's life, that's the book and that's this film. Well done I say.
8/10
Niz
The Matrix Reloaded (2003)
A complete waste of time
Interesting. Reading through a lot of these reviews it would appear there are many viewers unanimous in what went wrong with this turkey. We can all see what the Wachowski brothers couldn't. That they were making a soulless, almost laughable film. This film could have been edited down to 10 minutes if it's purpose was to further the story of The Matrix. Sadly the directors' purpose here was to make a mechanical turkey. A self absorbed love letter to themselves. The cringe worthy Morpheus speech. The rave. The love scene. The Burly Brawl. All of them a complete waste of time and ultimately pointless. Ironic when you consider the films showpiece (the freeway chase) resembles the film itself. A wreckage. The original film was a novel idea where each scene served a purpose to further the narrative, allowing the story to flow. This film has none of that and worse still, treats the viewer with utter contempt. They think pitting Neo against 100 Agent Smith's for no other reason that just because will satisfy the viewer. They're wrong. The whole scene stinks of contrivance. The Wachowski's still have an eye for flair in their direction, that much is clear. Some of the shots are breathtaking. However if the script itself isn't up to the job then the whole exercise is void. Just like this film.
Niz
Finding Nemo (2003)
Truly magic
Let me begin by saying I don't buy into the idea that modern films can't compete with "old classics". People harking on like every film made 50 years ago was a classic. I beg to differ. This is the best animated film of all time. Better than all the old Disney "classics" people fawn over. Better than Toy Story. Better than The Lion King. This is the one animated film to rule them all.
"What do you want to watch tonight sweetheart? A scratchy old "classic" with poor animation and dodgy voice overs or a stunningly colourful array of top drawer animation complete with ace voice overs and a great soundtrack??"
My daughter replies before I've even finished asking. Finding Nemo, soon to be on my DVD shelf with Snow White nowhere to be seen.
Niz
Fung wan: Hung ba tin ha (1998)
I implore you to avoid.
My oh my. I picked this one up on the basis of the reviews in here and loving fantasy martial arts I thought I was onto a winner. What are the reviewers in here smoking? Even when I don't agree with opinions I can generally understand the reasons behind someone liking a film I don't. But here we have a film without a SINGLE redeeming feature yet it's sitting pretty on a way too generous 6.6. Honestly, this is as poor as film making gets. Awful, awful direction with MTV video editing makes for incoherent fight scenes with no fluency coupled with a dog of a narrative. The film is a mess. That isn't even the biggest problem, it's the films visual style that sells it down the river. It's so contrived and riddled with bad CGI it comes out looking like a CARTOON. Honestly, it's that bad. How can anyone possibly give this pass marks? It looks cheaper than an episode of Power Rangers and amazingly is even poorer in execution. I can only imagine kids under the age of 10 enjoying this nonsense. I'm here to warn any adults who are even remotely curious about this turkey to spend your money on something else. Anything else. If you respect class direction and cinematography try Musa The Warrior or Hero for proper examples of Asian film making. If you love Saturday morning cartoons and are 8 yrs old then get this.
1 out of 10
Niz
Made (2001)
Like a 90 minute alarm clock in your ear
Aaaaaghhhhhh! Never in my life have I watched a film with a character so teeth nashingly annoying as Vince Vaughn's in this. I'm not sure what Favreau had in mind when he penned the screenplay but surely the most brain penetrating moron in film history was not his plan. It's a shame really as Favreau's screenplay has some laughs and his performance is nicely understated. The film is also wonderfully shot by super DP Christopher Doyle. There are other problems besides the intolerable Ricky Slade however. The film doesn't seem to move forward in any way and ultimately becomes a series of vignettes starring two bickering adults. There doesn't seem to be a clear narrative. So, some potential here washed down the plughole by a stumbling pace and the most idiotic creation to ever appear on screen. This film must be doing wonders for pharmaceutical companies punting headache pills so at least somebody gained from it. It sure wasn't me.
Niz
24 (2001)
Great entertainment
Firstly may I begin by saying - Beatnick, if you're going to trash a show try and write a review that contains at least a shred of credibility. You used the word childish a few times in your review, that sums you up perfectly. Learn to spell before you try and write reviews on the best movie database in the world eh? Anyway, back to 24. OK, as some have touched on it you do have to suspend some belief but I can't remember any film or TV show where that wasn't applied anyway. The majority of the silly stuff does indeed revolve around the incredibly dimwitted and frankly annoying Kim Bauer but thankfully she's not in season 2 that much and her storylines are largely irrelevant. Some eye candy for the boys seems to justify her existence in this series, but I could have done without her. The rest however is tight as a drum and if you're willing to let yourself be entertained then this will do the trick. Some fine performances and tasty direction make this a damn good show to watch. I actually prefer season 2 to season one as the subplots involving Palmer's family in season one were simply annoying and got right on my nerves. In season 2 every scene involving Palmer is dynamite and that's why season 2 gets the nod for me. Overall fantastic stuff, much much better on DVD with the continuity it brings. For 50 quid I got both season's and that was a steal. Solid entertainment and along with the mighty Band Of Brothers the best TV boxset out there. Enjoy.
Niz
Ying xiong (2002)
Creeping towards my number one.
I bought this blind on DVD a few months ago not knowing what to expect. I certainly didn't expect a film that would rocket into my top five of all time. Everything about this film is simply breathtaking, so much so I don't have the superlatives to describe quite how much I love it. From stunning cinematography to the best direction I have witnessed it really is an event in every sense of the word. From the first showdown between Jet Li and Donnie Yen to the truly stunning fight on the lake, it really has to be seen to be believed. The scale and sheer beauty of this film reaches heights the Hollywood juggernaut could only dream about. It's as grand and regal as film making gets and an experience which has to be seen to be believed. It may be a little too artsy for those wanting bloodshed and beheadings so tread carefully if it's a bloodbath you're after, this ain't Musa The Warrior. What it is however is cinema of the highest order, a true spectacle which deserves to be seen over and over again. Incredible.
Niz
Point Break (1991)
Oh dear
Now, let me begin by saying I thoroughly enjoyed this film back in 1991. I watched it for the first time since last night. So let me add that it's now patently clear I must have been a childish oaf who knew nothing about movies in 1991. You can go on all day about action sequences, adrenalin rushes or direction but if you're saddled with a script as laughable as this one then there really is no point. I had to turn this trash off after 20 minutes. Oh, and Keanu's acting didn't help either. Normally I don't mind Keanu but he was unwatchable in this garbage. The scene he's shouting out at Gary Busey about "feeling alive" had me in fits. For IQ's of 50 and below.
Niz
White Fang (1991)
Excellent
Ahh. White Fang. The very title itself brings warmth to my heart as it was the first novel I ever read. Now, this isn't quite an exact adaption of Jack London's novel, that would be difficult. What is does do is take the fine wildlife elements of the novel and fuse them onto the tale of a boy rather than vice versa as in the novel. This is more the story of Jack than the wolf itself. As a film adaption however, it was the correct road to take and makes for splendid entertainment. There are many recognizable moments from the book however to ensure the film is deserving of the title. It's beautifully shot, with amazing scenery so it certainly realizes the vision of the book. It also has top performances from the two leads and nice support from Remar as the snarling Beauty. The bottom line though is whether you're familiar with London's touching novel or not this film will warm your heart. Recommended to anyone who likes a good old fashioned yarn.
Niz
Unforgiven (1992)
Classic
When I bought the DVD of Unforgiven the other day I hadn't actually seen it in about 8 years. I guess I was taking a chance even though I remembered it as being a sensational movie. Thankfully my memory was as fine as the film. As I watched it again I knew I was watching a classic. Fantastic performances, with a small role by Richard Harris as English Bob being particularly memorable although all the actors involved are at the top of their game here. Solid direction by Eastwood, great script, ace cinematography and superb editing. It all adds up to one of the finest westerns ever, or any film for that matter. If you're after a rootin tootin shoot 'em up western then you'll be left disappointed. This isn't an action film, far from it. What it is though is a stunning piece worthy of any film fan's collection. Recommended and then some.
Niz
Road to Perdition (2002)
Wonderful
This was my favourite film of last year. Amazing cinematography, mesmerizing direction and good old fashioned storytelling. What more can you ask for? It made for a superb experience. I like to keep my reviews short so I'll merely add I'd recommend it to anyone who appreciates true film making for this truly is class on every level. Oh, if you're expecting a big dumb action packed gangster flick don't bother, this is a slow burner which oozes style and sophistication. Isn't that nice?
Niz
Wo hu cang long (2000)
Stunning
One of my favourite films of all time. Beautifully shot, wonderfully written, it really is dripping with class. Ang Lee for my money is one of the best directors on the planet and really hits paydirt with this one. I guess I can understand the doubters, it is an acquired taste but there is no doubting that this is quality film making. It isn't even debatable, it's a fact. Simply amazing. 10 out of 10.
Revelation (2001)
Utter garbage
Avoid this film at all costs. It has some of the poorest acting, direction and editing I have ever seen. And then there's the script. Oh dear. Having wasted 2 hours of my life with this nonsense I'll take 5 more minutes to warn any poor unsuspecting souls not to make the same mistake. It really is horrendous on every level. Film making at it's worst. Awful.
Jeepers Creepers (2001)
Lighten up people
I've been reading the reviews for this film and have found myself sighing continually. Why? Because too many people take films like this far too literally. Like the reviewer who questions the characters decision to go back to the church. Hello, this is a horror film and if they weren't stupid we wouldn't have a movie. What were you expecting? Kubrick? Jeepers Creepers does exactly what it says on the tin. It's creepy, it's silly, and, if you can get over yourselves for a minute, lots of fun. Leave your brain at the door and have fun.
Niz
Powder (1995)
Tremendous
Cynicism seems to be the order of the day among critics these days so maybe in the future this film will receive some long overdue credit. It's a marvellous tale with some astonishing performances, particularly Lance Henriksen and Sean Patrick Flannery, both exceptional in their roles. The cynics will cry out the usual "manipulative!" and "sappy!" jibes but pay no attention. This is a beautifully shot film telling a moving, fascinating tale of a boy who happens to be different. I really love this film and think it was one of the unsung movies of the 90's. Highly recommended.