Change Your Image
Chris_Mac_25
Reviews
Road House (2024)
Flashier, more expensive but not better
Gyllanhall is good, great physical transformation and decent version of the Dalton character but the rest of the movie struggles to keep up.
There's none of the gritty charm of the original, there's no building of community spirit, the romance angle is poorly presented and glossed over as a nothing event, the owner of the Road House has zero investment in happenings, and Connor just acts coked out of his mind which probably is a case of art imitating life.
Not a terrible way to fill in an hour or two, but I'm not likely to ever watch it again, unlike the original which was I've viewed countless times.
Argylle (2024)
It's proper bad
Spoiler alert: it's not good, it made no sense and I wish I'd had my plums harvested instead of watching it.
This was a confusing and irritating experience.
Bryce was not good, not good at all. Sam Rockwell seems to be buddies with George Clooney in real life, which is fortuitous because now when George cries about his Batman movie, Sam can relate having been a part of this disaster.
Caville looked awkward, like he knew how this was going to go over, but was being paid enough to make a sincere effort.
Sam L Jackson does a lazy cameo as whogivesashit, a spy that watches Lakers games and overacts.
Queen of the Damned (2002)
Aaliyah and Anne Rice deserved better
This wasn't good on release, and has aged terribly. Townsend is a really poor choice to follow Cruise in the shoes of Lestat. Townsends version of Lestat is a preening idiot, not a mesmerising icon like Cruise portrayed.
Aaliyah had died by the time this was released I think, she deserved better. I also doubt Anne Rice was impressed with this portrayal.
The 90's was a high point for cinema, so much so that no one has original ideas anymore, they just remake/reboot/reimagine (plageurise) greatness, look no further than Point Break. But the 90's and early noughties also had its share of stinkers as well.
Purple Monkey Dishwasher.
Fast X (2023)
WTF is this?
Why did I sit down and watch this?
I knew what it was going to be like and I watched it anyway.
On the plus side Jason Momoa is quite entertaining which is in direct proportion to how annoying Ludacris, Tyrese and the Ramsay chick are
Vin grumbles and mumbles about family some more, and a bunch of people turn up for an easy paycheque
The stunts are absolutely bonkers stupid, and while they look impressive, they're absolutely preposterous. Like the bomb that rolls in a straight line across Rome while Vin tries to stop it in his muscle car, it legit travels across Europe in a straight line
It's entertaining, and I'm not blaming them for taking the easy money, but the first movie was outstanding and everything else since is just an exploitative and formulaic cash grab.
The Mountain Between Us (2017)
Started great, then moved into cliche territory
Winslet and Elba are fantastic, the plane crash looks spectacular, the scenery is insane and the two characters and the dog's continued fight for survival against the elements.
Except at the midway point, Elba and Winslet become locked on what I can only assume is the most unhygienic sexual tryst since the Middle Ages.
At this point the movie turns into a love story, which is the territory of cliche. Shoulda stuck with the survival angle, the love story wasn't terrible, but I'd prefer to watch it and be happy for the characters finding love, instead of wondering with a degree of disgust exactly how bad they both stink.
Red Table Talk (2018)
Pure narcissism
Celebrities being phoney and pontificating about their lives and how enlightened they are. Join Jada, Willow and Gran as they justify, enable and heap praise on each other for the most pedestrian of achievements. Watch with exasperation as they try and pass themselves off as some wise council of generations, but unless you're some celebrity sycophant you'll see through it as the garbage it truly is. Memorable mention goes to Will Smith for appearing in an episode and allowing his wife to out him as a cuckold, sitting there awkwardly as his wife justified her 'entanglement' while poor old Will squirmed like someone being forced to listen to his rap.
Home Team (2022)
Above average movie with well below average ending
Kevin James is reliable, in fact the entire cast was inoffensive to me.
Sadly the ending of the movie is straight garbage.
So they have a shot at beating the bad guys team, and in a moment of emotional clarity Kevin James realises he hasn't put the runt kid on the field once the d tire season, and to put him in for the final play.
Spoiler, runt kids screws the pooch and misses but they all celebrate and carry him off the field like he's a hero for being the worst player ever and validating why he was bench warming the entire season, but everyone is happy they lost because they had to learn a valuable lesson which is never really explained if elaborated on, like being losers is admirable especially if you self sabotage your team and they're stupid enough to act like it's a heroic achievement.
Bosch and Rockit (2022)
Fantastic Aussie cinema
Just a great Aussie movie. Imperfect characters interacting with the best Australia has to offer as a scenic backdrop. I couldn't find a weak point or character, and the ending left me wanting more but also glad that the future of the characters was up to my own speculation.
Rockit, Bosch, Ash-Ash and Sacks from Blue Heelers are fantastic
The surf and coastal towns showcase the best Australia has to offer, and it was fantastic trying to pick the locations.
Do yourself a favour and watch a great Aussie flick that doesn't try and get preachy or lost in wokeness.
Purple Monkey Dishwasher (Simpsons reference for word count)
Blackout (2022)
Netflix this is why you're in trouble
This type of movie is why Netflix is in trouble. They fund this garbage, throwing money at a terrible script and awakening Nick Nolte from his annual hibernation. Poor old Nick is slurring and carrying on, completely unconvincing in a Mickey Rourke style cameo of ludicrous casting. Omar puts in a solid bad guy act but his pony tail wig distracts. Abbey looks mildly embarrassed and Josh Duhamel looks like his misses the big budget Transformers days when the catering cost more than the budget for this entire film. Some laugh out loud bad moments, so bad I was looking for Damien Chapa's name as the director.
The Gringo Papi (2022)
Sorry Brendan, buts it's that bad
This is a great companion piece for Amy Schumer and her Leather Special. This is probably the better of the two, and I base that purely on the fact that it's shorter.
Marry Me (2022)
Notting Hill for the Instagram generation
This entire script rips off the premise of Notting Hill and tries to inject originality through the irritating lens of Instagram and live streaming.
What they should have tried was having a likeable supporting cast. Lopez is ok and Wilson is always enjoyable, but this was a forgettable dud that tried ripping off a formula that worked for something else.
The Requin (2022)
I'm sorry I doubted you
I read all your reviews, I thought you were exaggerating, it couldn't really be that bad????
I was wrong
So, so wrong
The CGI was as convincing as world peace
I'll never doubt your one star ratings again, I am a changed man from sitting through this abysmal offering
Forgive me
Purple Monkey Dishwasher Rainbow Trout.
The Matrix Resurrections (2021)
So disappointing
An extra star for Keanu who is always good, and Carrie-Anne Moss. But everything else about this was like a made for TV update
Original trilogy has just had a giant dump masquerading as a sequel deposited on it.
Take Back (2021)
Another deranged Rourke appearance
Opening scene is Mickey Rourke, clearly ad libbing and shouting at his dogs. He looks completely deranged and unaware that he's actually being filmed and taking part in a cinematic endeavour. Rourke only accepts parts in movies where he has complete autonomy over his appearance and script, so that he can turn up, behave like a maniac and get paid.
Michael Jai White deserves so much better
His wife tries hard but can't compensate for low budget woes
Chris Browning and Paul Sloane are wasted.
The Last Duel (2021)
Great flick
Jodie Comer and Adam Driver deliver brilliant performances, Matt Damon and Ben Affleck are also great. I usually find Affleck annoying and obnoxious, but he's turned in a fine one here.
Good Morning America: Jussie Smollett (2019)
Jussie Smollet shines in his greatest performance
Jussie Smollet plays a man that faked a race hate attack and is desperate to convince the public of his victimhood.
Smollet is perfectly cast as a narcissist, trying tearfully to sell his ludicrous story to an adoring interviewer. It's enthralling watching him fake a tremor in his voice as he tells the interviewer that he was targeted for being vocal about Trump, because he was the only celebrity that was.
But the truth is that this guy is peddling a fraudulent narrative that crashes down around him in the coming years.
Bravo Jussie, what a performance.
Kingdom of Heaven (2005)
Watch the directors cut
7/10 for cinematic version, the producers chopped it up so it makes scant sense
Watch the highly superior directors cut 10/10
Purple Monkey Dishwasher.
Old Henry (2021)
Outstanding final chapter
Tim Blake Wilson is incredible, and Stephen Doriff does a great villainous job
Wilson's uncanny physical transformation and the only known photograph of his real identity is uncanny.
The final act is outstanding.
The Alamo (2004)
Calm down Dennis
Enjoyable movie but not remarkable
Dennis Quaid should have read the script better, he clearly thought this was a comedy and seems to intentionally overact the entire time
Settle down Dennis.
Shot Caller (2017)
Bleak
Reality is bleak, fairy tale endings belong in fairy tales
Shot Caller is pure realistic bleakness
Nicholai is brilliant as Money
Have watched five times now, will watch again.
The 7PM Project (2009)
Smug smirks and condescending rants
When this show started it was pretty funny, but then someone decided it'd be better off as a place where irritating personalities could deliver woke sermons and pat each other on the back.
F9 (2021)
Charlize Theron has a bowl cut, that's the high point of this movie
The stunts and the scenery are impressive, and that's it
Vin grumbles and mumbles
Tyrese, Ludacris and the Ramsey chick get way too much screen time trying to be comedic but only achieving a lame distraction from the barely existent plot
The Asian dude that Jason Stathem killed in one of the other movies is back from the dead, the producers are resurrecting everyone except Paul Walker st this stage
The first Fast and Furious was fantastic. They were street racers that competed in the inner city realm. They've evolved into supreme tactical spies that lob up in foreign cities driving the most conspicuous vehicles and running sophisticated counter intelligence operations.
Just stop
This has become Lame and the Lamest.
SEAL Team (2017)
This is how hiring suitably qualified consultants pays off
The show is given legitimacy by the ex SF consultants that provide expert guidance on everything from jargon, to equipment carriage and weaponry. No other military based series has such accuracy.
Boss Level (2020)
I am Chris, and Chris has submitted this
Good fun action movie, Grillo is great, Gibson is great, the action is great and the comedy is great
If you watch this movie and don't enjoy it, then I pity you, because you're dead inside
SAS: Red Notice (2021)
Who keeps giving Ruby Rose acting jobs
Poor movie
The SAS tactics are rubbish and Ruby is completely unconvincing as a badass, she looks about 90 pounds of skin, bone and unconvincing sneer