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Reviews
Titanic: The Musical (2023)
Epic musical of a historic tragedy
I suppose everyone knows the story of RMS Titanic, but how do you put the story of a huge ship and two thousand people onto a provincial theatre stage? This fantastic production is the answer. Focusing on the hopes, dreams and lives of the passengers on a minimalist stage, the tragedy unfolds to its terrible conclusion.
The whole production is wonderful, with expert stage management to impeccable choreography, faultless timing, effective lighting and the use of a mobile stepladder. The songs are also in keeping with the story, starting on a high, then apprehensive and then the realisation of impending doom. This is indeed an epic production of the most (in)famous seafaring tragedy of all.
As an aside, I do not understand why the IMDb title page does not list all the cast members, so just to fill in the gaps: Emily George as Kate Murphy; Luke Harley as Andrew Latimer; Emma Harold as Lady Caroline Neville; Abi Hudson as Maid; Paul Kemble as Joseph Boxhall; Matthew McDonald as Charles Clarke; Danny Michaels as Joseph Bell; Janet Mooney as Head Maid; Joseph Peacock as Bellboy/Wallace Hartley.
Erotic Underground (1997)
A tour of the wilder side of sex
Delia Sheppard, an actress who made her name in the erotic thriller genre of the 1990s provides the narration for this whistle-stop tour of the more outrageous sex venues and industries of the time. Being nearly thirty years after the fact, many of the people and places may not be around anymore, such as the annual Défi festival held in Perpignan, France. Anyway, the fourteen segments document the wilder sex kinks such as the fetish shops and services such as tattoos and body piercings for the more intimate body parts; and Michelle's XXX, a nightclub for mainly women's entertainment; and even the development of sex aids. Anyone for electric genital stimulation? Whatever your wish, there would be some-one to satisfy it. However, this film was made around 1995 so quite a lot would now be provided via the internet and social media sites so this film is a bit of nostalgia.
Malù e l'amante (1991)
Another version of Lady Chatterley's Lover
Writer/director Pasquale Fanetti tries his hand at the D. H. Lawrence classic with mixed results. On the plus side, the pretty hill-top village of Castelfalfi serves as the location and the two female leads, Malù as Lady Chatterley and Debora Calì as the model are quite something to behold, but the rest of the film is rather flat.
As in the original, Lady Chatterley is frustrated at her husband's inability to perform his husbandly bedroom duties and so she seeks solace in the arms - and bed - of the lustily handsome hired estate hand. There is also the added complication of the stunningly beautiful artist's model who is posing for Lady Chatterley's artwork. Both the model and the hired hand lust after each other, and as the old saying goes, three into two won't go.
Despite both leading ladies willing to shed their clothes, the sex scenes are rather underwhelming which is ultimately the fault of the director. Finally, there is a problem with the running time which says 104 minutes on both the IMDb page and the DVD cover but which actually comes in at a measly 78 minutes for the Italian DVD - so something is seriously amiss. Only two stars from me then.
La storia di Lady Chatterley (1989)
Very poor adaptation
Filmed in Italy, this film could be described as the original story but filmed as a flashback and also taking a lot of liberties. This version is very sexed up with female nudity aplenty, but despite this, the film is a proper stinker. There is no English translation on the Italian DVD so this review is a bit of guesswork.
Lord Chatterley has passed away and his widow is now in the process of tidying up the affairs of the estate. During this time, she remembers her scandalous affair with the gamekeeper. This erotic version suffers from poorly filmed sex scenes: the women shed their clothes readily enough but the men keep their Tweed jackets and trousers firmly buttoned up. Not that I'm complaining, being a red-blooded male, but this seems to be par for the course in these Italian films, but apart from that, fair's fair; and the so-called love-making scenes are rubbish.
To sum it all up then, if you like looking at naked women, then this could be for you, but if you prefer some cinematic quality, then you shall have to look elsewhere. Did I mention this film is a stinker?
Sexual Outlaws (1994)
Sexy thriller that fades at the end
This erotic thriller It is strange in that in about thirty years it has got only one review so this is my view on what I consider to be a quite good example of the genre. Having said that, I only stumbled across it when I was looking for something else on an auction site.
This film follows the usual route of the erotic thriller in as much as there is a murder and the supposed guilty guy may or may not be the guilty guy. In this case the supposed suspect is a mute photographer who spent some time with the deceased and who then makes contact with the Sexual Outlaws of the film, an adult contact magazine. The magazine is run by a married couple who seem to be having marriage difficulties with the husband having an affair with the secretary, whilst the wife becomes attracted to the murder suspect.
The sex and nudity scenes start off really well but at the end when the crime has been solved and everything should have ended with a strong sex scene, what we end up with is a bit of a damp squib. A pity really as the rest of the film amply supplied the goods.
The Sex Substitute 2 (2003)
Fun with Nick and Drake
I am surprised that there is only one other review for this rather enjoyable sex-comedy romp. It is one of the better of its type with a hot cast - especially the women - and a fun plot.
Aspiring screenplay writer Nick is sent to take temporary hold of a struggling hotel but at the same time a review of a nearby sex-therapy clinic accidentally prints the address for the hotel. In no time at all, the clinic's clients, which seem to be only hot young women (plus one token male) turn up at the hotel expecting professional sexual enlightenment. Nick realises he is onto a potentially good thing, so together with his friend Drake, they give the women what they want - and then some, while Nick still finds time to get to grips with Melinda, the owner's sister.
All the sex scenes are really hot. There is one threesome which starts off as girl/girl with Drake joining in later. The other six or seven scenes are boy/girl. Although the sounds of the actors during the sex scenes can be heard (a good thing for this reviewer) the music was too loud especially during the first scene. The other gripe was the editing which was too frantic, not giving the viewer time to take in the wonders on show. All things considered though, well worth 8 out of 10.
A Place in the Sun (2000)
How much of it is real?
I have seen this program on and off over the years but only recently watched it on a daily basis. The end credits are interesting. The latest series is chronologically all over the place, starting in summer 2022 but then going back and forward in no particular order. Also, what are casting researchers? Are they the people who sift through the applicants to find the best house-hunters and weeding out the freeloaders? I like the program but have some misgivings.
The format has become somewhat formulaic. The properties shown start off a bit mundane but then gradually improve through the show until the presenter almost invariably says words to the effect that he's pulled out all the stops to find the dream property and the house-hunters say that he's save the best till last. This is all getting a bit tedious. Another thing that irks is near the end when the presenter is talking to the seller's agent and he or she is looking glum and despondent and then comes the big reveal that the offer has succeeded. Why do they do this? Buying property is a serious business but these people treat it as some sort of game show. On the other hand, perhaps the deal has already been done and this is just dramatic license for the viewers' consumption. Whatever the case, it should stop. All of which begs the question - exactly how real is Reality TV?
Ivanhoe (1970)
A hidden message perhaps
Not having read the book, I have to accept from other reviewers that this is a faithful adaptation. Having said that, Sir Walter Scott has given his hero strange treatment, having him bedridden from a jousting injury early in the story. Perhaps Scott was trying to put across a picture of racial and religious intolerance, zealotry and bigotry. Certainly, some of the actors paint this picture vividly.
Actors of note in this production include Anthony Bate, Roger Bizley, Peter Dineley and especially Andre Van Gyseghem but Eric Flynn was perhaps not the best choice for playing Ivanhoe, the knight just returned from the crusade. Also,Tim Preece just did not convince as the nasty scheming Prince John. The whole production did not look too good either.
The action sequences looked rather amateurishly done and although the mail armour for the knights looked real enough, the weapons sounded wooden. With bare trees and snow lying on the ground, it looked as if this series was made in the depths of winter - perhaps renting the locations was cheaper in winter. I felt that the BBC did not do justice to Scott's novel.
William Tell (1958)
Still good today
I remember this series from years ago when it was shown on UK TV. Watching the box-set episodes in quick succession, certain observations come to mind. Conrad Phillips as William Tell is well cast as the hero, and Willoughby Goddard makes a great Gessler, but after a while, the episodes with Tell and Gessler take on a similar pattern with Tell getting the better of Gessler. The other cast members are interesting for different reasons though.
Walter Tell (Richard Rogers) appears regularly to start with and then disappears for a long time; but Hedda Tell (Jennifer Jayne) is the most interesting. She is no shrinking violet and readily picks up crossbow and sword and pitches in when necessary; maybe she is TV's first Feminist before the word Feminist was invented: and she also starts off regularly but her appearances diminish with time. Could the viewing lads and lasses have found Hedda more appealing than William? An actor's ego can be a fragile thing.
Also of interest are the minor cast members who would go on to greater things - among them Christopher Lee, Patrick Troughton, Warren Mitchell and an early appearance of Michael Caine.
All things considered, the cast and crew did a fine job producing an adventure series which has stood the test of time and is worth watching today.
Telling Secrets (1993)
It's one way to pass 3 hours
Here's a mystery: Why do Hollywood kids call their mums, "Mormy, Mormy"? You never hear teenagers or adults say it like that, so the question is, at what age do Hollywood kids stop saying "Mormy" and what triggers the change? Anyway, now for the film. The question is not who did it - we actually know the answer - but who instigated it? Faith Kelsey (Cybill Shepherd) wants her wedding ring back but is that a good enough motive for murder? Or could be that the dead woman stole Kelsey's first husband? Faith herself is hardly a paragon of virtue, playing the seductress to get her way; and her father is hardly sympathetic to her problems.
Whilst the other actors play their parts well enough, Cybill Shepherd does not really convince as the cunning seductress she is supposed to be. In fact, it would be difficult to think of any reason why she would have so much attraction to any man. She comes across as a bit of a Plain Jane and not much better on the emotion front. On a different subject, I found it quite amusing during the assassination attempt at the lake, when the actor (or stuntman) playing Faith's new husband Terry, tries to escape the gunmen by jumping high into the air before diving into the water. He should be recruited into the Olympics high-jump team. Otherwise it was an acceptable way of passing three hours.
Car S.O.S.: Lotus Esprit (2020)
Who comes up with this stuff?
This Lotus Esprit episode is the only one I have seen and it will probably be the last. I just cannot believe it. The one thing that I have learned over the years is that you have got to take the reality in Reality TV with a good dose of salt. The car restoration bit could have been more detailed especially the engine being sent off to Lotus. I think Lotus would have welcomed a bit of extra publicity and it would have been good to see the experts in action in the engine's reassembly. For me though, the real problem was the two presenters and their so-called chemistry.
For me, the two presenters had no chemistry whatsoever: it was like trying to mix oil and water. They tried hard but it came out as false and just plain embarrassing to watch. Who thought that a pie in the face was a good idea? I think it failed but careful editing made it look as if it succeeded. Then there was the banter, an example of which went something like this:
What are you looking at?
Nothing.
What are you looking at?
Nothing.
What are you looking at?
Nothing.
I think I have got the number right. It was so bad, I thought Alan Partridge was going to jump out in front of the camera and give us an Aha! The end of the program when the car was handed over to Gary the fireman still posed the question in my mind - how much reality is in Reality TV? (I do know that Alan Partridge is really Steve Coogan).
Dark Secrets (1996)
Strain's pain reign gain in the rain
I had only recently bought this DVD when I found out that Julie Strain had sadly passed away. This is the sort of film I like and Julie Strain played to her strengths as the chief dominatrix at an underground S &M club which may have been involved in the disappearance of a model a year previously. Monique Parent is Claire Reynolds, a reporter who is on the trail as she falls for tycoon Justin Deville (Justin Carroll) who is the key figure. As is the way of these things, Claire falls for Justin but everyone has dark secrets, so who is really going to fall? There is always a sting in the tail with these films.
The fact of an S & M venue gives some good scope for some naked pain and frequent nudity. I am not really a fan of the obviously over-augmented breasts but to each his own. It is a pity that the Parent/Carroll sex scene was spoiled by the over-zealous use of superimposed imagery and too much close-up. Why do they do this with sex scenes? Remember KISS - Keep It Simple Stupid. On the other hand, the Strain/Parent scene was worth a look especially Parent standing naked in the rain. On the whole, this is a fairly run-of-the-mill erotic thriller with S & M thrown in.
Kiss Me Deadly (1955)
Kiss me deadly boring and too slow
Having read the book, I have to say that the film follows the book quite closely in many ways but the film left me pretty cold because of the differences. The most obvious change was the move from New York to Los Angeles; then some character changes as well; and lastly the mystery object that everyone was after. The cinematography was good and Cloris Leachman was good in her acting debut but they were the only good points.
The pacing seemed too slow with everyone moving about at a snail's pace. Everyone seemed to talk in a slow drawn out drawl as well: except Nick the garage mechanic who must surely be the most annoying character ever committed to the silver screen until those two horrible kids that Tom Cruise had to put up with in War of the Worlds. Ralph Meeker as Hammer did not look to be the grizzled war veteran of the books. As a war veteran Hammer would have known about shapes, shadows and silhouettes when he was in Lily Carver's apartment; and Hammer would not have romanced Velda as shown in this film.
The end of the film was not to my liking either. The big mystery for me was not the object in the box but what material was the box made of which could contain a device of such immense energy? For me, the film just did not hold me as did the book. According to the blurb, this film was "rediscovered" but maybe there was a reason why it was hidden in the first place.
Woman of Desire (1994)
Bo Derek shows her body again
This could have been a good film if only Bo Derek's acting was as fantastic as her body. Like any erotic thriller, there is a mystery to be solved: in this case Christina Ford (Bo Derek) accuses captain Jack (Jeff Fahey) of killing her husband and raping her. This is further complicated when it emerges that the husband has a twin brother (both roles played by Steven Bauer). The question becomes, who really went overboard on that fateful night? This is the question that the lawyer played by an almost sleepwalking Robert Mitchum must answer. The film reaches its resolution in a muddled way and it comes from an unexpected quarter.
It is a pity that Bo Derek cannot show any sort of acting ability. Her face barely changes at any time during the film, always showing a sort of half-smile all the time despite the crimes that have supposedly been committed against her. She does get to show off her body though at several points in the film, especially in the motorcycle scene, but director Robert Ginty could have done better, after all Miss Derek is not shy when performing these scenes. Never mind though, Miss Derek does compensate for a mediocre film.
I have seen a few versions of this film, VHS and DVD; the Hong Kong DVD has Miss Derek's pubic area blurred; and the Dutch DVD has most of the nudity and sex scenes deleted but adding some extra dialogue between Christina and Jack.
Sensations (1988)
They try too hard
I bought this DVD on ebay very cheaply and I still think I was overcharged. This tries to be a romantic comedy but the cast look to be porn actors who are trying to prove that they can act - and failing miserably. The theme of the film in which a lottery ticket is split between two people was done much better in, It could Happen To You (1994), and the idea of two people having to convince the authorities of the validity of a marriage was done much better in Green Card (1990).
This follows the well-trodden path of rom-coms with boy meets girl; boy loses girl; boy wins girl in the end. This goes on for too long with the added scenario of the marriage and the inevitable will they, won't they share the marital bed? The cast simply try too hard and so nothing is convincing. Even the nudity scenes are pretty boring; and the close-up of two tongues entwining does nothing for me. Sorry folks, only two stars.
Fast n' Loud (2012)
Needs a tune-up
Richard Rawlings had an idea for a TV show and pursued the networks for several years before hitting the big-time so congratulations to him. The TV show that started in a small way has grown but now seems to be a parody of itself. Each episode used to end with a tally-up of profit or loss but that bit has been dropped. Now it seems to be an ego trip for Richard who throws his hands in the air, shouting, "Yow", or patting his hair down while calling for a beer. The mechanics do their share of acting in between the work. The only one who seems to be grounded in reality is Christie. Sue the upholsterer does the same thing when Richard comes calling, "You bring me junk, You can have it tomorrow".
The car builds are interesting for me at least although I do wonder about the haggling that goes on between buyer and seller, especially with a camera present. Just how real is Reality TV? Just keep telling yourself, It's only a TV show; it's only a TV show; it's only a TV show.
The Osterman Weekend (1983)
Leaves a lot to be desired
I have not read the book by Robert Ludlum on which this film is based but I hope it makes more sense than the film. This is the last film of Sam Peckinpah and although there are the usual Peckinpah trademarks such as violence and slow-motion action, the plot leaves big enough holes to drive a bus through.
The performances by the cast are OK, particularly John Hurt as the embittered CIA man, Lawrence Fassett, Burt Lancaster as the scheming bombastic Maxwell Danforth and Rutger Hauer as the photogenic TV host, John Tanner, but they are let down by lacklustre direction and a poor script. The worst aspect are the missing details that would make some sense of the whole thing. For instance, how did Fassett come to know that Danforth was responsible for his wife's death and how did he get hold of the videotape? A little bit of extra dialogue would have helped matters. Then there is the action.
It really does beggar belief that the gunmen here couldn't hit a barn door even with their laser sights but hey, who needs them when you have Meg Foster, she of the piercing stare and her bow and arrow? I have seen this film at least three times and it goes down in my estimation each time.
Casanova II (1982)
Messed up sequel goes in weird direction
This is Casanova Part 2 which has ben padded out to give us another film with the legendary John Holmes. This film supposes that Casanova has had a son who grows up to be Don Juan. Like father like son, Don Juan becomes another great lover and there are some good sex scenes to bear this out but the whole production of this inserted porn looks too clinical - as if it was made as a porn advert for a Glamorous Homes magazine. For me, the only good sex scene was the one with the injured swordsgirl (Cathy Linger) who wants to know what great sex is like before she expires. Who better to show her than our very own Mr John Holmes? Then he turns his attention to the Gypsy girl (Bridgette Felina). This scene was part of the original film. The rest of the film is a mess.
We get a series of so-called talking head experts (no, not that sort of head despite this being a porn film) espousing stuff that I have now forgotten about, but who wants that intellectual stuff in a porn film anyway? There is some old footage and lots of free love and a mushroom cloud! Yes, really. What's that about? In this case, more is less.
The New Erotic Adventures of Casanova (1977)
Classic film of its type
I first saw this film many years ago when it was a single film but at some point, some-one decided to chop it in two and while most of the film constitutes Part 1, the second part was given a new scenario which is something to do with Don Juan being a descendant of Casanova. Anyway, this review is for Part 1.
The film is certainly lavish with its costumes and sets but the film starts off with a clip showing Gene Wilder and Donald Sutherland from Start the Revolution Without Me. After that we get to the main story which is the modern descendant of Casanova, played by John Holmes, inheriting a potent perfume which renders any female who smells it putty in his hands. This, of course is just what porn films are all about. Besides the obvious sex scenes this film takes on darker themes - the term, family relations, takes on a whole new meaning; and the scene with the three young ladies may be at odds with today's sensibilities. As a porn film though, this delivers the goods.
John Holmes gets to show off his legendary manhood in some hot scenes but for me the best is the one at the motel with Iris Medina. She is fabulous, so much so that it seems unlikely she could ever me a motel maid, but this is a porn film after all. This scene is not just sex but sexy as well. A missed opportunity was the scene with Susan Silver as Doctor Sharpe. This could have been a great scene if some-one had used a bit of imagination. Overall though, a good film of its type.
Ghosts Can't Do It (1989)
Nobody does it in this film - that's the problem
Bo Derek has a fantastic body. Right then, that's the positive taken care of but what about the negatives? Ye Gods, where to begin? Anthony Quinn's talent is wasted as he spends most of the time as an ethereal talking head surrounded by some sort of shimmering light that looks like an early Star Trek special effect. Bo Derek just cannot express facially, any different emotions despite going through a range of experiences during the film. There are laughs to be had but unfortunately they are unintentional. The biggest laugh for me was when Bo dives out of the cockpit of a seaplane (she is flying solo) but leaves the still powered-up plane to float off to who knows where. Then there is the ethical question of actually inciting some-one to commit murder - and this is supposed to be a comedy of sorts. The biggest let-down is the end. In a sexy film the ending should have a great sex and nudity scene but there isn't one. This has got to be the anti-climax of all anti-climaxes.
This review is based on a US DVD and the UK VHS which was released in 1990. The US DVD runs for 94 minutes compared to the UK VHS at 83 minutes. Some of this difference can be put down to the NTSC and PAL frame speeds but the UK edition has had the following cuts. The NTSC DVD is used as the reference.
The first cut is at 2:45 when Quinn says, "I'm having a heart attack". The UK film cuts directly to the hospital ward instead of showing Katie comforting Scott. The second cut is at 13:29 when Katie says, "You're scaring me Great One". The UK film cuts directly to Scott writing a final draft of a letter instead of Katie and Scott comforting each other. The final cut is at 46:27 and in the UK version the clips showing the Pill Man spying on Katie in the swimming pool before confronting her in the shower have been cut. The BBFC makes no mention of these cuts so they must have been made before the film was submitted for classification. Why were the cuts made? Who knows, but they help move the film along.
Forbidden Games (1995)
It shouldn't have been allowed
Forbidden Games? It is this film that should have been forbidden. Generally, I like erotic films but this one does not rank highly in my opinion. The film starts off with a supposedly erotic scene which is meant to be the initial crime but then gets steadily worse. Jeff Griggs plays the private Investigator with psychic powers but he is not quite psychic enough to know instantly who did it - which is a pity because it would have saved me the ninety minutes watching this.
There are a good number of beautiful women in this but they generally sit or lounge around a swimming pool. In a film such as this of course, there are the obligatory sex scenes but there is more to it than just showing acres of female flesh, welcomed though it is. As for the ending, that was less than an anti-climax and him being a psychic cop, he should really have seen it coming. The film could have been better than it is and the people who shoot erotic scenes should really learn how to do it.
The Glitterball (1977)
It's a small world
This was the sort of film that us kids used to watch at Saturday Morning Pictures but by the time this film was made, I was long out of short trousers and making my own home.
Watching this film now, this reminds me of that other scared alien film ET, although this was made a few years before Mr Spielberg - and one would imagine with a much smaller budget. The pace of this film though does not allow any weepiness and there is not a wasted minute in this Boys Own style adventure. The fairly short film is about a small scared alien, in the form of a small ball, befriended by two boys who help it in trying to find its way back to its mothership. On the way there is the unscrupulous (and hapless) local crook and the authorities trying to track it down.
A couple of familiar faces from the past crop up - Ron Pember as the crook and Derek Deadman as the ice cream van driver. There is also an uncredited appearance by Linda Robson as the cashier. Special mention must be made of the special effects, especially in the supermarket and taken all round, the film is an entertaining hour of family viewing.
Risen (2008)
What were they thinking?
In the UK, this film is called Armageddon of the Dead but the film is so bad I am surprised it did not have the words zombie and apocalypse in the title. In reality it is another zombie film in which a group of people are holed up in a building while the zombies are massing outside. It would not be so bad if some of the decisions taken by the people made sense. For instance, the people know that being bitten by a zombie is fatal yet some injuries are ignored and no-one seems to think anything is wrong when an injured person dies, but then are surprised when dead person rises again. The Sherriff seems to be the only one with his head screwed on properly but even he must have had a senior moment when he handcuffs a suspected infected person to the emergency exit door: think about it because these people certainly didn't. I could go on but it would take too long, not to mention the debacle at the sanctuary so I will stop here.
Zombie Apocalypse (2010)
Best comedy in years
Whether or not it was intended to be a comedy, this film was a riot. All the best clichés were there including the line that all British panto lovers will know - there're behind you. The thing that makes this a hoot though, is that it is played straight - everyone is just so serious; but first, a bit about the plot.
The special edition DVD comes with a comic booklet explaining the origins of the zombie virus and the film picks up when the zombies are inadvertently let loose. The film revolves around a group of people who have to battle the zombies in order to survive but also a corporate or government plot to kill a rogue agent who mumbles and murmurs like a Bruce Willis wannabe with a sore throat. The action clichés are equally unimpressive.
You have to wonder how fit people are caught by shuffling zombies and watch carefully as just about every cliché is incorporated here; and don't get me started on the martial arts fighting. Still, it is great fun and worth watching for a laugh.
Me and My Mates vs. The Zombie Apocalypse (2015)
And the stupid shall inherit the Earth
When I saw this DVD for sale I was hoping for a worthy zombie comedy along the lines of Shaun of the Dead but while there are good comedy moments, most of the humour failed to hit the mark. The plot was a simple one: a group of mates are holed up in a telephone exchange while the zombies are surrounding the building. The banter keeps flowing with the characters discussing the usual Aussie subjects of cricket and beer. In typical Aussie style, they even managed to include a couple of scantily clad women, one of them topless. Discussing the fate of their friend's wife was a good moment and so was the rooftop firework scene but this latter scene looked too similar to the Roadrunner cartoons. The real let-down was the timing of some of the action: some of the zombies took ages to shamble a few yards but if this was meant to be the joke then it failed. Generally, I like Aussie films, both comedy and drama but not this one.