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ShadeGrenade
'Golden Age Of Television? No It Was Not!'
The highbrow Fifties and Sixties represented broadcasting's zenith, runs the received wisdom. JAMES FLOPINSON begs to differ in an exclusive article you will be able to read in every other paper today...
Here we go again. Some toffee-nosed yesterday's man who used to front 'Panorama' tries to make a name for himself at the Edinburgh Festival by telling us how much 'better' British television was in the 'good old days'. Ho, ho, ho, say I to that. News has been dumbed down, documentaries sensationalised or pushed to the edges of the schedule, and lifestyle programmes dominate the listings. What twaddle! Reality T.V., says the chattering classes, is the blister on the big toe of the modern age, and how much better it was when we had 'The Ascent Of Man', 'Civilization' and 'The Christians'. What these people don't mention of course is that there were only three channels in Britain then. Why? Could not anyone count in those days? If the technology existed to create three channels, why was it not used to create loads more? Alright so there were no reality shows or makeover programmes, but hours of boring programmes showing old people how to play dominoes. None of these shows exists anymore, thank God, but how tedious it must have been for the discriminating viewer who loves to see sixteen year old girls jumping naked into swimming pools. There were huge gaps in the schedules until recently, which meant there was nothing on in the afternoons on B.B.C.-2 except those silly 'Trade Test Films' about homemade cars and cattle carters in Australia, while over on I.T.V. housewives watched 'Crown Court' and cried because it wasn't 'Loose Women'. Yes, there are fewer 'serious' programmes on primetime today. 'Johnny Go Home' could never be made now, and viewers can remain blissfully ignorant of the plight of homeless young people in London. Who remembers 'Market In Honey Lane', the number one show in April 1967? Well, I do, obviously, else I would not have mentioned it here, but millions don't. The news in those days was excruciatingly dull, consisting of a man in a suit sitting behind a desk reciting plain facts. Now we have tasty bimbos bestriding a set that looks like the bridge of the U.S.S. Enterprise, while jaunty music is used to pep up reports of earthquake disasters in India. We also no longer have inane stuff like 'On The Move' in which Bob Hoskins showed adults how to read. U.S. imports long ago lost their domination of primetime, now we have shows with clever titles like 'My Breasts Need A Firm Hand', '10 Most Embarrassing Things About Being Dead', 'Celebrity Blow Football' and 'Wudja Cudja Kickk Der Bukkit Fer Dosh?'. Saturday night schedules are better too, whereas people once watched 'The Black & White Minstrel Show' with its unmistakeable racial overtones, they can now watch repeats of 'Little Britain' with its unmistakeable racial overtones. Those expensive comedy spectaculars made by L.W.T. have long since been replaced by smug young men at desks cracking gags at the expense of '40's newsreel footage. Progress is a marvellous thing, isn't it? Many shows that would have been on B.B.C-1 in the Sixties are now on B.B.C.-4 where they get far fewer audiences. Just as many shows that are on B.B.C.-1 now will soon be on U.K. Gold where they too will get far fewer audiences. That is the way the game is played. Some B.B.C. executives pontificate about audience segmentation. I think this to be a good thing. Remember the bad old days when 28 milion people all saw the same show? How embarrassing it was to have to admit to your mates the next day you never saw it because your set had exploded? All that is now a thing of the past because nobody watches anything anymore. People get information on programmes from the Internet. Often before they are made. British viewers started a fan club for 'Heroes' before the ink was dry on the pitch document. The golden age of T.V. never existed. There is more now and much of it is far better, Just ask Davina McCall. In the words of Sixties Prime Minister Harold Macmillan 'fetch my shotgun, Dorothy. I'm off to the moor to bag a few grouse'.
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'When I Get Old'
A Funny Little Poem
When I get old
I'm going to have some fun.
I want to irritate, aggravate
and generally annoy everyone.
I'll wear flared trousers
Nylon cardigans, polka-dot cravats,
Tartan scarves, woollen mittens
Orange trousers with great green spats.
I'll throw eggs at The Mayor
Write to 'The Daily Mail'
Send fan mail to Pat Boone
And my loose change to 'Save The Whale'.
I'll go to Asda's and yell &Tesco!&
Donate my laundry to a charity shop
Then when they've washed it all
I'll go there and buy back the lot.
I'll hold up post office queues
By chatting to the staff.
Grow conifers in my front garden
Dump sacks of coal in my bath.
I'll argue with shop assistants
Over the price of a loaf
And when the manager intervenes
I'll call him a 'XXXX-ing oaf'.
I'll drink beer at �1 a pint
Grumble about the juke-box noise.
Jog drinkers' elbows
Pick fights with the rougher boys.
I'll brag about my army days
Even though I didn't serve.
Flash a chestful of plastic medals
Only when I'm old will I have the nerve.
I'll play dodgems with my Tesco trolley
Give dirty looks to unmarried mothers
Castigate disabled drivers
Wave my brolly angrily at all the others.
I'll go on the B.B.C.'s 'Question Time',
To demand that conscription and hanging be brought back.
Endorse the views of Richard Littlejohn
By calling for the Chancellor to get the sack.
When I get old
I want to be all the things I've never been.
A reactionary, a pain in the neck
Not moody, mot magnificent - just plain mean!
copyright Shade Grenade 2007
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Reviews
The Legacy of Reginald Perrin: Episode #1.2 (1996)
The absurdities begin
The second episode of 'The Legacy Of Reginald Perrin' begins with David and Prue Harris-Jones ( Bruce Bould and Theresa Watson ) attempting to qualify for a share of Reggie's millions by doing something utterly absurd - he dresses up like Long John Silver and she like Nell Gwynne. Linda roller-skates through a busy supermarket, and winds up crashing into a stack of tins.
Doc, Tom and C. J. all have their eyes on the lovely lawyer 'Geraldine Hackstraw', played by Patricia Hodge ( who'd starred in a previous David Nobbs series 'Rich Tea And Sympathy' ). C. J. And Doc manage to date her, much to Tom's disgust.
Elisabeth thinks they should pool their attempts to look absurd, and the idea of an old people's revolution is born. Naturally, Jimmy is appointed leader. This series got a pasting from critics when it was first shown, but it manages to be hugely enjoyable even without the great Mr. Rossiter. The characters were strong and the cast brought them to life superbly.
'Joan' is not in this episode. She is said to be on holiday. In fact Sue Nicholls' commitments to 'Coronation Street' 9 in which she played 'Audrey Roberts' ) kept her away. She would return, though.
Funniest moment - dressed as a woman, Jimmy goes into a pub and a customer ( Alan David of 'The Squirrels' ) tries to chat him up.
The Worker: The Machinery of Organisation (1965)
"Appendix out!"
When he co-created this ATV series ( with Lew Schwarz ), Charlie Drake did not realise he was paving the way for the much funnier 'Some Mothers Do Ave Em' starring Michael Crawford. Both feature one of life's losers, a man unable to hold down a job for more than a few hours, and who spends more time in bed than Rip Van Winkle. Unlike 'Frank Spencer', however, Chalie's character was unmarried. The first season featured Percy Herbert as 'Mr. Whitakker', the manager of the Labour Exchange and Charlie's arch-enemy. It is Henry McGee as 'Mr. Pugh' ( pronounced 'poo' ) who is probably better remembered. Herbert later played an authority character in Reg Varney's 'Down The Gate'.
This episode sees Charlie going off to do a job he thinks he should be able to do - putting plastic model aeroplanes into cereal packets. But first he must face a procession of desk-bound officials, including Aubrey Morris as a 'welfare officer', Dilys Laye as the humourless 'Miss Powell' and Joan Benham ( of 'Upstairs, Downstairs' and the 'Doctor' series ) as 'Miss Niddy.
Funniest moment - finding himself alone in a doctor's surgery, Charlie proceeds to examine himself. What had up until now been a boring episode suddenly becomes funny, especially when Charlie proceeds to remove his appendix ( don't try this at home, folks ).
The Avengers: The Forget-Me-Knot (1968)
One golden age ends, another begins
Written by Brian Clemens and directed by James Hill, 'The Forget-Me-Knot' was a rousing climax to the John Steed/Emma Peel era. Villains are using memory-killing darts to induce amnesia in agents.
Yes, it was sad to see Diana Rigg leaving, but there was some consolation in the fact that she had a worthy replacement in the shape of Linda Thorson's 'Tara King'. Clemens has gone on record as saying he thought the Thorson series was the best of the lot, and I wholeheartedly agree with him. The Peel episodes were becoming routine, with the same plots boringly commonplace. With Thorson, some new writers, such as Terry Nation and Jeremy Burnham, were brought in and they invigorated the series.
Before anyone blames Thorson for the show's cancellation, it should be pointed out that the spy boom was on the wane by 1968. 'The Man From UNCLE' had been cancelled earlier that year, and movie franchises such as James Coburn's 'Flint' series disappeared. Had Rigg stayed for another year, 'The Avengers' would still have gotten the chop. In 1973, Rigg did a sitcom clearly modelled on Mary Tyler Moore's show and it was a colossal flop. So no more Rigg equals big ratings arguments please.
This episode also marks the first appearance of Patrick Newell as 'Mother', and he would appear in many Thorson shows.
The final scene is touching. Steed not also lost Mrs. Peel but got her at the same time!
Backs to the Land: Nymphs and Shepherds Come Expensive (1977)
Off to the village dance
The land army girls are struggling to shear sheep. Two young farm-hands - 'Wally' ( Charles Lamb ) and 'Jim' ( Richard Beale ) graciously offer to help out. In return they want to dance with the girls at the forthcoming village ball. Father Whitrow ( John Stratton ) is observing the girls with the aid of binoculars. He says it is to make sure they are not skiving. He admits he is playing them starvation wages.
The ball gets underway. Daphne ( Marilyn Galsworthy ) turns up wearing a ball-gown that makes her look like a million dollars. Some of the local girls, in particular 'Charlotte Rumbelow' ( Carinthia West ) takes exception to her presence.
Two of the cast in this episode have sci-fi connections; Spencer Banks played 'Simon Randall' in the 1970 children's series 'Timeslip' while Peter Tuddenham - the landlord - voiced the computers 'Zen', 'Orac' and 'Slave' in the BBC's 'Blake's Seven'. Carinthia West was a regular in Eric Idle's 'Rutland Weekend Television' and appeared in a 'Blake's Seven' episode called 'Bounty'.
An OK episode, let down by its ending. Jenny leads a spirited version of 'The Lambeth Walk' and that's it.
Funniest moment - the look of amazement on Whitrow's face when she sees the sheep have all been sheared.
Backs to the Land: A Miss Is as Good as a Male (1977)
Down on the farm
With 'Dad's Army' about to come off the air after almost a decade, ITV thought it a good time to come up with a wartime sitcom all of its own. Granada was first off the mark with 'Yanks Go Home' in 1976, about U. S. GI's in Northern England. It was a modest success. The following year, Anglia gave the world 'Backs To The Land', written by David Climie and directed by David Askey..
It is 1940. 'Eric Whitrow' ( Michael Troughton ) and his brother 'Roy' ( David Troughton ) are called up by the army, and three girls are sent by the Ministry to Crabtree Farm to work in their place. They are the posh 'Daphne finch-Beauchamp' ( Marilyn Galsworthy ), loud Cockney 'Jenny Dabb' ( Terese Stevens ) and shy Jewish girl 'Shirley Bloom' ( Philippa Bloom ). The farmer - 'Tom Whitrow' ( the late John Stratton ) is a grumpy old devil who thinks women should not be doing men's work ( if he were an American, he'd be a shoo-in to become President ). There is already a woman on the farm, in the shape of the naive 'Aggie', played by Stephanie Fayerman.
The room the girls are given to share is comfortless and cramped. Not surprisingly, they have a tough time adjusting to their new environment.
None of this is particularly hilarious, but manages to be pleasant and watchable ( and that annoying canned laughter should have gone for a start ).
Funniest moment - the girls attempting to milk cows. Yes, one of them gets a face full of milk. A predictable gag but somehow it works.
Mind Your Language: Many Happy Returns (1978)
The missing money
While we are reeling with shock from the awful events in America this week, let's cheer ourselves up with an episode of 'Mind Your Language'. Ranjeet wants to fly to Pakistan to see his mother, and has been doing several jobs to earn the fare. He entrusts the envelope full of money to Brown, who promptly loses it. Sid, the caretaker, finds it and thinks his luck has changed for the better. Soon he is smoking cigars and putting hefty bets on horses. When Brown finds out about Sid's spending spree, he asks for the money to be returned...
This is a remake of an episode of Powell's 'Rule Britannia' series ( from 1975 ). In that, 'Paddy O'Brien' ( Joe Lynch ) is the one wanting to see his mother and winds up losing his money, forcing his friends to make up the difference.
Funniest moment - the students taking the streets to try and make up the shortfall in Ranjeet's fare. It is nice to see them out of the classroom for a change. Even Ali - no friend of Ranjeet's - is with them. Ranjeet gets to make that trip, but then his mother ( Zohra Segal ) shows up at the school!
Mind Your Language: Brief Re-Encounter (1978)
The love of Miss Courtney's life
The normally fearsome 'Miss Courtney' ( Zara Nutley ) meets up again with 'Albert Collins' ( Patrick O'Connell ) to whom she was once engaged. They hit if off again, and make plans to marry. Then Sid, the caretaker, discovers that Collins is a devious con-man out to fleece the school principal. He notifies Brown. But what can Brown do about it?
This is another well-used sitcom plot; in Powell's 'Love Thy Neighbour', it was Jacko ( Keith Marsh ) who fell for a con-woman, played by Sue Bond. Nice to see Zara Nutley getting a bigger share of the action than usual. O'Connell was a familar face in films and television; he was in the series 'Fraud Squad' which also starred Joanna Van Gyseghem of 'Duty Free' fame.
Funniest moment - Brown tells Collins to get lost. Collins does not respond, so the male students line up behind their teacher to provide support. They look not unlike The Magnificent Seven!
Roots: Exodus (1981)
When Melvin met Loraine
Poor Allan Corduner. The advance word on 'Roots' - written by the prolific team of Maurice Gran and Lawrence Marks - was that it was going to be a big hit and make a star out of its leading man. He plays 'Melvin Solomons', a young dentist who wants to become an artist. After only two episodes were screened, it was pulled from the ITV schedule and replaced by repeats of 'Maggie and Her' ( starring Irene Handl ). 'Roots' completed its run in a graveyard slot on Sunday mornings. Some ITV regions - including my own, HTV - did not bring it back after the first two episodes
Marks and Gran went on to create hits such as 'Birds Of A Feather' and 'Goodnight Sweetheart'. Having recently had a chance to rewatch an episode of 'Roots', I am baffled as to why it got taken off the air. It did not make my split my sides, but far worse series have gone on to incredibly long runs.
This episode - 'Exodus' - opens with Melvin attending the funeral of Monty Leibowitz, a Jewish man. Melvin turns up on a motorbike and dressed in leathers, looking not unlike Les Dawson in 'Dawsons Weekly'. One of the mourners is an attractive woman - 'Loraine Levy' - played by the late Arwen Holm. Melvin gets talking to her and they fix up a date. Melvin's parents warn him to stay away from Levy. It was whilst making love to her that Monty died of a heart attack. Of course, Melvin takes no notice...
Corduner is likeable and funny, and the programme has actors of the calibre of Stanley Meadows, Pamela Manson and Harold Berens. There is nothing remotely offensive on view. Someone I think did find it offensive . In those days, viewers complaints meant more than they do today. You can complain about a scene in a show until the cows come home and nothing happens. I'm guessing someone thought 'Roots' was disrespectful to the Jewish community, and voiced their view.
Funniest moment - Melvin turning up at Loraine's flat expecting a night of passion and instead running into her parents, who show no interest in leaving.
Stardom might have eluded Corduner, but he went on to forge a successful career as a character actor. At the time of writing, he is still working. Good for him.
Mind Your Language: The Examination (1978)
The Big Day
Ali is playing a one-armed bandit in a pub, and becomes convinced he is going to win the jackpot. But he has run out of change. Max and Giovanni help out. Ranjeet gets to the machine first and scoops the big prize, leaving Ali furious. This scene was first done in 'Love Thy Neighbour' with 'Bill Reynolds' ( Rudolph Walker ) pippng 'Eddie Booth' ( Jack Smethurst ) to the post.
The end of term examination has finally arrived. Brown gets into an argument in the local pub with a posh couple - 'the Shorts' - played by George A. Cooper and Joan Heath. Mr. Short gets a pint of beer tipped over his head. Unfortunately for Brown, Short is also the invigilator at the examination...
Cooper appeared in many films and television shows; he was 'Mr. Fisher' in LWT's 'Billy Liar' series. With ratings of 18 million, there was no way this was going to be the last-ever episode. The children's comic 'Look-In' did a comic-strip based on it, and the next season was moved from Friday nights to a prestigious Saturday slot. Things were looking up for Mr. Brown and his class.
Funniest moment - Brown asking Max for the loan of a hankie. A reluctant Max obliges. Brown sees the item is covered in crib notes.
Mind Your Language: A Point of Honour (1978)
The Big Fight
Danielle claims she is being pestered by the school's woodwork teacher, 'Mr. Jarvis' ( Anthony Jackson ). To get rid of him, she tells Jarvis she is in a relationship with Mr. Brown. The master challenges Brown to a boxing match. Miss Courtney lets it go ahead, and the match duly gets under way, with Brown looking all set to be the loser...
This episode sees the return of Tommy Godfrey as 'Sid' the caretaker, and a good thing too as he gets to referee the fight. Jackson is of course well remembered as 'Trevor', Sid James' friend and neighbour in 'Bless This House' and 'Fred Mumford' from the BBC's children's show 'Rentaghost'.
Funniest moment - seeing Brown cannot possibly win, Max and Giovanni tie Jarvis's shoelaces together, causing him to topple onto the canvas.
Mind Your Language: Hello Sailor (1978)
The Russian Problem
Brown asks the students to think of words starting with certain letters of the alphabet. Juan is missing. He has befriended a Russian sailor - Boris ( Ray Marioni ) - who wishes to defect. Boris claims to have fallen in love with an English woman. But then, his Captain 'Ivan' ( David King ) shows up and claims the sailor already has a wife in the USSR...
An okay episode, probably just written to make up the numbers. With a name like 'Boris', its reasonable to assume he must be telling porkies. In 1976, David King did a 'Jackanory' series for the BBC. But, instead of reading aloud a children's story, he talked at length about his long and distinguished career as a thespian. Which I suspect was of no interest whatever to the viewers.
Funniest moment - Boris is told to return to the ship. But then, the Captain wants to defect, mainly because he has become infatuated by Miss Courtenay!
Mind Your Language: Kill or Cure (1978)
Off sick!
Jeremy is down with the flu, leaving Miss Courtnay to take his class, a job she finds difficult. The students call on their sick teacher at his flat, bringing with them bottles, and he imbibes happily. ( even when the content are not meant to be consumed ). Brown also gets a couple of visits from Miss Courtnay, one of which ends with her catching Danielle in her underwear ( she'd removed her dress as someone spilt milk on it ).
By this point in the series, the students had developed a bond of affection for their English tutor. Powell';s earlier series 'Love Thy Neighbour' had been about two men of different nationalities who loathed each other. 'Language', however, has people of different nationalities united in a common cause - the mastery of the English language. Michael Grade cancelled the show after three seasons because he thought it was racist, and yet when he was BBC-1 Controller he helped steer 'Eastenders' to the top of the ratings. That soap was hardly respectful of other races, as anyone who remembers the famous episode purporting to be set in Ireland will testify. Giovanni's eating of Brown's grapes reprises an idea from 'Love Thy Neighbour'.
Funniest moment - locked out of his flat, Brown tries to break down the door. He is propelled into the room, and lands on the bed, which instantly retracts into the wall. A scene worthy of Frank Spencer.
Burke's Law: Operation Long Shadow (1965)
Target: De Gaulle
Although 'Operation Long Shadow' was the second episode of 'Amos Burke Secret Agent', it feels quite different to the previous instalment. 'Balance Of Terror' was a fairly sober start to the series, almost like an episode of Patrick McGoohan's 'Danger Man/Secret Agent' series. 'Shadow' really goes for the James Bond jugular, with beautiful female villains, exploding chateaus and ingenious gadgetry, including a bullet-proof car.
Millionaire's son 'Ahmed Bassa' ( Richard Caruso ) is kidnapped from the top of the Eiffel Tower and his girlfriend thrown to her death. Operation Long Shadow is underway. Posing as a playboy, Amos Burke ( Gene Barry ) flies to France and various attempts are made on his life. At one point, he is locked in the freight compartment of a train and petrol fumes almost kill him. He survives by breathing the air out of a car's tyres ( an idea later recycled in the final Roger Moore James Bond film 'A View To A Kill' ( 1985 ) ).
The villains - the 'Countess Anna Marie Mouton' ( the lovely Antoinette Bower ), a lady who keeps a gun in her purse, and 'General Henry Zechron' ( Berry Kroeger ) intend to assassinate President De Gaulle, making the episode into something of a precursor to 'The Day Of The Jackal' ( 1973 ). The OAS is not involved; the villains are out to take over France.
All this is great fun, but one regrets it was not made in colour. Bower's other credits include 'Star Trek' and 'Mission Impossible'. Jamie Farr - 'Corporal Klinger' of 'MASH' - gets an uncredited cameo.
Slow-moving tosh this most certainly is not. Directed by Don Taylor, who also made 'Escape From The Planet Of The Apes' (1971).
Mind Your Language: Better to Have Loved and Lost (1978)
Engaged
The mock exams over, its back to usual business for Mr. Brown's students. He begins by asking the class what they did at the weekend, and gets some extraordinary answers. Two students - Ali ( Dino Shafeek ) and 'Su-Lee' ( Pik-Sen Lim ) are missing. When they turn up, they announce that they have become engaged and wish to be married. There is just one minor obstacle - Ali already has a wife, the lovely 'Rehana', played by Gail Playfair.
Nice to see Jacki Harding getting some decent lines this week. Miss Courtenay's recollection of her one and only romantic entanglement sounds familiar - it was first uttered in 'Love Thy Neighbour' by the character of 'Jacko', played by Keith Marsh.
Ali points out that as a Muslim, he can have more than one wife. But Su-Lee changes her mind and a good thing as Rahana then discovers she is pregnant.
Funniest moment - asked what she did at the weekend, Jamila replies "Jig-jig!". Brown thinks it meant she had sex, but no, she was referring to the film musical 'Gigi' staring Leslie Caron.
Mind Your Language: The Cheating Game (1978)
A mockery of the mock exams!
The students face the terrifying prospect of a mock exam, when their command of the English language is less than impressive. As Ali puts it, "we cannot give an answer when we do not understand the question!".
Mr,Brown knows this too, and deliberately leaves the exam results on his desk in the hope that the students will take a peek. Two of them - Giovanni and Max - do just that. Unfortunately, these are the answers from last year's exam...
There is a touch of Will Hay about this episode, with cheating students and confused teachers.
Funniest moment - Ranjeet trying to borrow 10p from Ali to buy a cup of coffee. Ali makes him admits that Muslims are nice people. Ranjeet says this and gets the 10P but then adds "All Sikhs are very big liars!".
No Time to Die (2021)
"Bond's gone and snuffed it!"
The release of 'No Time To Die' had to be delayed by a year becaude of the Pandemic. When it finally came out, it surprised people. Myself included. I'd written off the Daniel Craig Bond era as a disaster, and when this film's director insulted the Sean Connery Bond I was ready to rip it to shreds. 'No Time To Die' is not a classic Bond, but compared to the four previous ones it is. It has some decent action scenes, and makes no attempt to denigrate the earlier movies. Craig made no secret of his desire to leave the series ( after 'SPECTRE' who could possibly blame him? ) and only came back when not only offered a huge salary but also was allowed to hire scriptwriters such as Phoebe Waller-Bridge ( you can easily spot her contribution because of the f-words ). Craig himself seems a bit more animated than usual. Knowing this would be his last Bond, he made an effort to be more Bond-like.
The music is, as ever, awful. However, the reusing of John Barry's 'We Have All The Time In The World' was a major plus. The problem is with the script. It openly recycles ideas from the 1967 spoof 'Casino Royale'. These include Bond in retirement and a different 007 in his place, Bond having a daughter, and ( if you can believe it ) Bond being killed in an explosion. Future generations will find it hard to believe that 'No Time To Die' came out years after the 1967 all-star comedy; so much does the latter look like a parody of the former.
Killing 007 would have been okay if this was intended to be the very last Bond film, but more are planned. At the time of writing, no new Bond film has been announced and no new actor has been cast. I think Eon would do well to wait a few years before unveiling Craig's successor. Hopefully the right person will be cast next time. I'm not a huge fan of Henry Cavill but having seen fake trailers on You Tube have to admit he might make a good Bond, given the right script.
What I wonder does Alan Partridge have to say about 'No Time To Die'? "Oh no! Bond's dead! They got Bond wrong!".
Mind Your Language: Come Back All Is Forgiven (1978)
Sacked!
Mr. Brown is having a birthday, and the students have all bought him fountain pens. He urges them to change them for something else. They do. But the new presents are once again identical.
He has something far more pressing on his mind. His month-long trial is over, and Miss Courtney tells him his services are no longer required. The students are horrified, particularly when Brown's replacement - 'Miss Hardacre' ( Margaret Courtenay ) turns out to be a cross between 'Doctor Crow' of 'Carry On Spying'' ( 1964 ) and 'Rosa Klebb' from the second 007 movie. To get Brown back, they send the new teacher to Coventry...
The students put aside their cultural and racial differences in their support to keep their teacher. Which is nice to see. You'd think by now someone would have confiscated Ranjeet's knife.
Funniest moment - Miss Hardacre sitting on Anna's apple strudel!
Spectre (2015)
The writing's on the wall for 007
For years, it looked as though the return to the Eon Bond series of 'Ernst Stavro Blofeld' and his SPECTRE organisation was never going to happen. The cat-petting scoundrel made his last appearance in 'Diamonds Are Forever' ( 1971 ), although a unbilled cameo occurred at the start of 1981's 'For Your Eyes Only'.
In 2015, the impossible occurred. SPECTRE returned as did Ernst, this time to menace the cheerful Bond of Daniel Craig. What happened? The film starts out promisingly, and then Sam Smith begins wailing over the main credits. When I first saw this film, I thought somebody's car alarm had gone off.
Bond gets into a car. The baddies give chase. Bond goes to activate the car's gadgets, and guess what? They don't work! Even in the less than serious Bond entries that starred Roger Moore, Bond was given gadgets that worked. What is Eon trying to do here? Its like watching a remake of 'Thunderball' in which Bond jumps into the sea and then realises he cannot swim. For the second time in a row, the Q character has been made to look unimportant. Desmond Llewelyn must be turning in his grave.
The new Blofeld is Christoph Waltz, who exudes no menace at all. The revelation that he and Bond are foster brothers has come in for a lot of derision - rightly so. Fleming never thought of it. SPECTRE is supposed to be a powerful criminal syndicate bent on world domination. The one in this movie bears no resemblance to previous versions.
SPECTRE has lots of swagger; it is clearly attempting to mimic 'Thunderball' but lacks the script necessary to do the job. The biggest indignity comes when a captured Bond is taken to SPECTRE's new base. Great, you think, we're going to get an action-packed finale akin to the climax of 'You Only Live Twice' but no, it never happens. Where do SPECTRE get their bases from these days? Someone only has to sneeze and they fall apart.
Putting Craig in Moore's 'Live And Let Die' jump-suit was not a good idea either. Moore looked like a super-spy; Craig looks like the man from Dynorod.
The climax in London is flat and uninspiring. So its the fourth dud in a row from Eon. Can Bond recover?
Mind Your Language: The Best Things in Life (1978)
Arrested!
Mr. Brown takes another class, but there is a notable absentee - Jamilla. She has been caught shoplifting and is being held by the police. With Ali in tow, the young teacher goes to the police station to find out what really happened.
This is a reworking of a 'For The Love Of Ada' episode, also by Powell and transmitted on the 29th March 1971. Before anyone complains, it should be pointed out that story repetition on popular television series is fairly common. 'Coronation Street' does it all the time.
Jamilla stole a magazine thinking it was free. It was not. Brown returns to her home and finds a cupboard full of stolen tins. There is no sign of a husband. We'd previously been led to believe she was married.
Michael Sheard, who plays the 'Police Sergeant', was 'Mr. Bronson' in 'Grange Hill' and 'Herr Grunwald' in the first season of 'Auf Wiedershen Pet'. Harry Littlewood, the 'supermarket manager, replaced Tommy Godfrey in the 1986 revival of 'Language'.
It is good to see Jamilla Massey doing something other than knitting and saying "Good Heavening!".
Funniest moment - attempting to put back some of Jamilla's stolen items, Brown falls backwards, knocking over a neatly-arranged display of tins!
Mind Your Language: All Through the Night (1978)
Locked In!
This episode marks the debut of 'Sid', the Cockney caretaker, played by Tommy Godfrey. He was a familiar face in other Vince Powell series, most notably 'Love Thy Neighbour' in which he played 'Arthur'. During his time on that show, the actor make public appearances - such as opening fetes and jumble sales - and each time he was greeted like a hero.
Mr. Brown shows his students items from a shopping basket and asks him to identify them. He gets some interesting answers, such as Juan calling milk 'cow juice!'. Disgusted at the class' lack of progress, Brown orders they remain behind in class to do extra work. Sid does not know they are there, and locks them in. It is Friday night, and the awful possibility exists that they could still be there on Monday morning...
In this age of mobile phones, this episode could now not be made. There is some very good interaction between Brown and the students. At one point, to lift morale, they start telling jokes. Juan's joke is in Spanish and no-one understands a word of it.
George Tovey, briefly seen as 'Charlie', a friend of Sid's, was also a familiar face in television of the period. He played 'Mr. Bird' in a two-part episode of 'Budgie' starring Adam Faith.
Funniest moment - Sid releases the imprisoned students but then locks Brown in with Miss Courtney!
Mind Your Language: A Fate Worse Than Death (1978)
The Arranged Marriage
Giovanni sees an opportunity to male money - he sells 'homework' for 10P. Unfortunately, the answers in his papers are identical. When Mr. Brown is late, Miss Courtney takes his class and asks them to construct a sentence with the word 'catalyst'. Juan thinks she means Catholic.
Brown finally arrives as does a very depressed Ranjeet ( Albert Moses ). He plans to kill himself that night as he does not want to marry the girl he is betrothed to; she is 'Surinder' ( Charu Bala Chokski ). She turns up at the school and the students are forced to hide Ranjeet.
This is only the third episode and already the characters are sufficiently fond of Ranjeet to want to help him out of his plight. Even Ali, although he offers to help Ranjeet with his suicide plans. Ranjeet's justification for not wishing to marry Surinder is that she is obese. He would not be allowed to get away with it today.
Wily Ranjeet gets out of the arranged mariage by claiming Mr. Brown wants to marry her, and she is taken with the idea. Surinder's father's is played by Sonny Caldinez, who made several appearances in 'Doctor Who' in the 60's and 70's.
Funniest moment - with Surinder sitting outside the classroom, Jamila smuglles Ranjeet out - by hiding him under her sari!
Mind Your Language: An Inspector Calls (1978)
The new student
The second episode of Vince Powell's hit LWT sitcom, set in an adult education centre.
Jeremy Brown's ( Barry Evans ) students are struggling to master the English language, and there is tension between 'Taro' ( Robert Lee ) and 'Su-Lee' ( Pik-Sen Lim ). Also Giovanni' ( George Camiller ) and 'Max' ( Kevork Malikyan' are rivals for the affections of 'Danielle' ( Francoise Pascal ). A new student of African origin is due to join the class. When 'Roger Kenyon' ( Gyearbuor Asante, created as Christopher ) arrives, Brown assumes he is the one. In fact, Kenyon is a schools inspector and he wants to check on Brown's progress. He goes along with the pretence of being a student as so he can study Brown's teaching methods...
This episode marked the debut of Iris Sadler as 'Gladys', the tea lady.
'Jamila' ( Jamila Massey ) sees an increase in her English word count when she learns how to say "Good Evening " or ,as she puts it, "Good Heavening!". It became her catchphrase for the rest of the series.
Elisabeth Adare, who plays 'Mrs. Kenyon', was to be seen this time in the children's sci-fi series 'The Tomorrow People'. We never get to meet the new student.
Funniest moment - Taro greets Brown with a respectful bow. Brown attempts to copy him and hits his head on a desk!
Young at Heart: Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder (1981)
Off to Oz!
'Albert' and 'Ethel Collyer' ( John Mills and Megs Jenkins ) are looking forward to a visit from son 'Billy' ( the late Kevin Lloyd' ) and his wife 'Joan' ( Sarah Porter ). With them are the Collyer's grandchildren. The euphoria proves short-lived. Billy announces his plan to move his entire family to Australia, meaning the Collyers are unlikely to see the children for many years, if at all. A row ensues...
This 'Young At Heart' episode is less amusing than the others, and that was probably deliberate. John Mills may have wanted a chance to do something other than complain about the smallness of his pension and other hardships. Quite a few sitcoms have featured storylines in which characters expressed an interest in emigration, but then changed their minds at the last moment. It does not happen here, and the Collyers summon up courage and bid Billy's family a tearful farewell. By way of a contrast, the young couple next door, 'Norman' and 'Barbara Charlton' ( David Neilson and Carol Leader ) get all the laughs this week
Funniest moment - Norman gets himself and his wife drunk with the intention of starting a family, but then passes out on the sofa.
Incidentally, one of the grandchildren ( played by Darren Kerr ) is named 'Terry Collyer'. Do you think Dick Clement and Ian Le Frenais should have sued?
Mission: Impossible: Pilot (1966)
The first of many missions
Created by Bruce Geller, the long-running spy thriller series 'Mission Impossible' began in 1966 and ran until 1972, with a brief revival in 1989 - 90 and then a series of movies starring Tom Cruise beginning in 1996.
'Dan Briggs' ( the late Steven Hill ) is the leader of a secret organisation known as the IMF ( Impossible Missions Force ), set up to carry out covert operations designed to protect democracy and justice. In this one, the team - electronics expert 'Barney Collier' ( the late Greg Morris ), master of disguise 'Rollin Hand' ( the late Martin Landau ), model 'Cinnamon Carter' ( Barbara Bain ) and muscle-man 'Willy Armitage' ( Peter Lupus ) - is tasked with stealing two atomic bombs from a hotel vault in Santa Costa, which is ruled by the despot 'General Rio Dominguez', who as luck would have it bears a startling resemblance to Rollin. It gets the series off to a strong start, although a little Bond-like in places, notably Cinnamon coming out of a hotel room wearing nothing but a towel and a smile, and Briggs using a smoke machine to expedite the team's escape.
There is a character here who would not be seen again - safecracker 'Terry Targo', played by the late Wally Cox. He gets his hands broken and is unable to contribute to the mission, so Dan takes his place. Its all good fun, even if Landau's make up is less than impressive ( at times he resembles a walking waxwork figure ). I must mention Lalo Schifrin's iconic theme tune. It explodes out of the screen and you are hooked from that point on. Thankfully, its still being used on Cruise's movies.
Skyfall (2012)
Sky-bore
According to some, 2012's 'Skyfall' is the greatest Bond film ever made, right up there with 'From Russia With Love' and 'Goldfinger'. Having seen it a number of times, I cannot understand why this should be the case. I suppose after 'Quantum Of Solace' anything would have been considered an improvement. 'Skyfall' felt to me like a made-for-television movie done on a small budget with lots of talk and little ( if any ) of the spectacular action the Bond movies are famous for. Bond's assignment is to act as bodyguard to 'M'. He fails, and she dies ( this was Judi Dench's last appearance as 'M' ). The real Bond would not have failed. M's death was done basically to give Daniel Craig an excuse to burst into tears. At the same time, I was crying myself because I was upset on seeing the wonderful James Bond series reduced to soap opera pap. Albert Finney's character looks suspiciously like a refugee from an old episode of the BBC's 'Dr. Finlay's Casebook'.
Adele's theme song might have won an Academy Award ( how bad must the rest have been? ) but that does not mean it was any good. The 1966 cartoon film 'The Man Called Flintstone' had a more impressive song.
The low point of this turkey is Ben Whishaw's appearance as 'Q'. He looks like he has wandered in from the 'Harry Potter' series. This 'Q' jokes about his work, something the Desmond Llewelyn version never did. At one point, he tells Bond "We don't make exploding pens any more!". Bond should have replied, "Yes you do. And cars with ejector seats and mini-helicopters fitted with machine guns!". It tells you much about the lack of imagination that goes into modern Bond films that Matthew Vaughn's 'Kingsman' spoofs feel more like official Bond movies than do the real ones. Bond's 1964 Aston Martin is on view here, which had the unintended effect of making me wish I was watching 'Goldfinger' instead of this.
When M meets Bond early in the film, she complains about his B. O. The B. O. seems, alas, to have infected the script. So 'Skyfall' grossed a billion dollars? It only goes to show how much bad taste is appreciated in the 21st century.