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Reviews
Top Gun: Maverick (2022)
Holy carp!
This is one of those rare films: a sequel that completely eclipses the original in just about every possible way (the Lady Gaga track is instantly forgettable... that's about as negative a comment as I can make about this film).
Honestly, I expected a competent average action film which these days is really the best you can reasonably hope for in the era of incessant wokeness and overblown CGI visuals. Instead we somehow, against all the odds, got this: an unashamedly patriotic, unreservedly touching, mostly practically-filmed 2 hours of jets, pilots, sheer awesomeness, and a very light sprinkling of nostalgia for flavour.
Easily the best film of the year for me. And for that matter, this decade to date.
Escape Plan 2: Hades (2018)
Too many beards...
Wow. Just...wow. I'm not sure where to even start. The dreadful acting, nonsensical confusing script, or the 90s TV-grade special effects. Or perhaps the two or three indistinguishable bearded characters in the film (one of them is the main villain apparently, but thanks to the poor editing and wardrobe I couldn't quite figure out which one I was looking at).
What an awful fuster-cluck of a film. I feel sorry for the film's investors. They got ripped off. More money was spent on the end credits than the rest of the film combined.
Man of Steel (2013)
Disappointing.
There were parts I really liked, and then there were parts - large parts - that, simply-put, sucked.
Let me put it this way: remember those scenes in Family Guy where Peter Griffin runs into his giant chicken nemesis and a long, perpetual brawl breaks out that pretty much destroys everything in its path? Well, imagine that punch-fest drawn out for over an hour, and that's basically most of what you'll see when watching Man of Steel, albeit with more elaborate and over-the-top effects. It gets boring after the first minute. And then gets endlessly repeated.
The script is incoherent with plenty of logic flaws to pick at. Characters that aren't Kryptonian seem to have teleportation abilities or seem to have a suspicious habit of finding themselves in constant peril for no apparent reason other than to give the supposed hero an added challenge. Which brings up the nagging question of whether he's ultimately responsible for all the destruction.
Hans Zimmer's score sounded awesome in the trailer. Pity it didn't make an appearance until the end credits. Even now, I'm not sure what the new Superman theme is supposed to sound like. Certainly nowhere as recognisable as the Williams masterpiece. Not a fault of Zimmer mind you, more likely just poor sound editing.
If you've seen the third trailer, then honestly, you've already seen the best version of this film.
Xin hai ge ming (2011)
Average at best.
Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed certain parts of this film with some superb performances from the main cast. But for the most part it was distinctly average verging on boring, mainly let down by the poor editing (although Singaporean censors may be partly to blame for that) and some laughable acting and scripting, A good example of the latter is the cringeworthy English dialogue for the character of Homer Lea, which is played by (what seems to be) an inexperienced Western actor. Maybe it's the script's fault, but he's the Jar Jar Binks of this production. Fortunately his scenes are very limited in number, but the film could have done without them altogether and be better for it.
All in all, I learned a little Chinese history. I just wish it was more entertaining.
Nine (2009)
The star of the show? Daniel Day-Lewis's car.
Where do I begin? I scoffed at the people leaving the cinema after only 5 minutes. "Uncultured fools", I thought. Only afterwards did I realise that they were the lucky ones: I lost two hours of my life (and maybe more) being exposed to this utter rubbish.
As a musical, the best parts (and I use the term "best" very loosely here) of this film are when the cast aren't screeching out an unmemorable number. Seriously, you won't remember any of it other than the "Guido! Guido! Guido!" ringing in your ears.
Even having Penelope Cruz's scantily-covered crotch thrust into your face didn't improve things. The rest of the "all star" cast doesn't fair much better: Sophia Loren looks like an extra-terrestrial (no doubt from having one face-stretch too many), Daniel Day-Lewis is forgettable and is upstaged by his car (which, seriously, is the only interesting showpiece in the entire film), Nicole Kidman does practically nothing, Judy Dench is in her typical mother-hen role, and Fergie (who is apparently not the ex-member of the British Royal Family but a member of the Black Eyed Peas) I can't remember seeing. Must have slept through her performance, but presumably it must have been better than the rest since it didn't wake me up with its sheer awfulness.
How this film garnered no less than 5 Golden Globe nominations is a complete mystery. Even the cast members interviewed on Larry King looked bewildered - they must have been as surprised as I would have been if I had seen this mess.
It's rare that I feel the need to write a review. However, in this case I think I need to do so if only to save people from spending their money to watch this tripe. It certainly goes on my list of all-time worst movies that I've ever seen, along with Speed 2, and The Blair Witch Project. Rob Marshall has a lot to answer to for this crime against cinema - and for that matter, humanity.
District 9 (2009)
Unexpected brilliance!
Firsty, as a South African I actually hate South African cinema. It was always third-rate rubbish in my opinion, lacking the slickness and production values of its Hollywood counterparts. Secondly, I *really* hate films with any hint of shaky camera-work.
So it was with great uncertainty and low expectations that I went to see a film produced in SA that reportedly contained hand-held footage, having only seen the poster beforehand (somehow I've missed any promotions while living in the UK).
How wrong could I have been? Apparently very, very wrong indeed! I'm not going to rehash any plot here, but I'll just say this: if you want your faith restored in cinema, go and see this film! If however you are partially brain-dead, have the intelligence of a 10-year old, or prefer watching moronic action movies, stick with Transformers.
My only grumble is that this movie's success will ultimately be its downfall. Many a good movie's legacy has been ruined by bad sequels, and I can already picture Sony lining up the likes of Bruckheimer or Bay to produce a dire follow-up. Which would be a shame, because this film deserves far, far better.