Change Your Image
Phantasiii
Reviews
Willy/Milly (1986)
Needs a resurgence
This movie is a very early voice for trans youth. It is a product of its time so be a little forgiving when viewing. It has great intentions. It was saying it aloud (in 1986!) before it became more accepted and that is saying something! We see the struggle to fit in and where you belong, unintended outcomes, and even the parent's perspective. Plus it's just some great 80s fun. It is difficult to find nowadays, but if you find a rip of it somewhere i highly suggest watching this movie. More so if you're living as a trans youth of today. This film should give some perspective to how trans people dealt with their newfound lives in the 80s.
Takin' It Off (1985)
Where to start...
It all goes back to my childhood memories of West Coast Video and Blockbuster movie rental days. Every single time I walked the aisles of those shops I saw the cover for this movie. It intrigued me. What happens in this movie that makes those woman want to measure that woman's breasts? I was way too young to rent it myself and no grown up I knew would allow me to either. Good thing. It's not appropriate for those of a child's age, but the young me would have loved this move! Nonstop T&A! Well... more like nonstop T&A in-between scenes that lend a plot to this movie. This is how the movie plays out- nude dance- plot scene with nudity-nude dance at the end of plot scene- nude dance- plot scene with nudity. Shuffle on random just make sure she loses the 3" at the end. Fin.
A woman with very large breasts want to act, her agent has an offer but she must lose 3" off of her chest, she goes to a couple of doctors has a few romps, ends up losing the 3", success! That's the movie but it lasts for 90 odd minutes. My adult self didn't care for the prolonged scenes of nude dancing or forced sexual encounters, I wanted to see how this story developed. It was lackluster and ham-fisted to say the least. Worth a watch if you have a curiosity to satisfy but not worth the time otherwise.
Slaughtered Vomit Dolls (2006)
First step watch the movie 8mm.
Now that you have seen 8mm (1999). Take the character of Dino Velvet and his work that is shown (not the snuff film). The ones that use "Come to Daddy" by Aphex Twin and have the quick cutting montage of the cat hiss and dog bark followed by shots of women tied up being "tortured" by Machine. Ring a bell? Great. Now imagine you're actually watching THAT film in the film but the porno side of it is turned down. That is what "Slaughtered Vomit Dolls" is. Mindless, self indulgent drivel with no plot or real sense of anything in a narrative way. We have quick cutting, some not so quick cutting, disjointed scenes, sound distortion, overlays, repeating gore shots, "torture", blood, and film filters on 30i DV footage. It's not fooling anyone. Dude with camera shoots nude models saying satanic phrases, having rough sex, vomiting and dying. Then cuts it together to make it seem artsy. Like life imitating art (JS says this in the commentary for 8mm) there are those fans of LV and even filmmakers like LV that think this is a high art form. To me it isn't. It is something, but high-art it is not. I get what the intention is, don't get me wrong. I understand this side of film, I even embrace and encourage rouge filmmakers for putting their stuff out there. But this isn't good.
Guillermo del Toro's Cabinet of Curiosities (2022)
Well made but the pacing is agonizingly slow
I had been hounded to watch this show, because I like GDT's work. I love Pan's Lab, Shape of Water, Pacific Rim etc. But this show isn't his work. Yes he produced and hosted it but he isn't directing the series. That being said, those who are directing are trying to emulate his style and when it comes to the look of this show, it's wonderful. The sets and costumes, the camera work, the VFX and makeup effects are all good, but the writing and editing are awful. It's like they forgot how to hold the audiences attention because scenes (regardless of which episode) go on and on forever after the point of the scene has been made. The run times are so padded it's an insulting waste of time to make an hour long episode when it could have been 20-30 minutes tops. Watcher beware.
You (2018)
Weak imitation of American Psycho
Vapid, shallow, personalities like in American Psycho only present day and is LA based. The biggest problem is that the creators didn't get the joke of American Psycho. The constant inserts of voice over is annoying. This takes itself way to seriously. Very rarely taking the time to say- nudge nudge wink wink we're messing with you, we know ha ha ha. Please whomever this applies to- get your sh¡+ together and stop writing drivel like this! We have too much of it now. Refine your stance on what the woke crowd really wants and give them that. Stop playing every single corner you can think of and trying to appeal to them.
Reise nach Agatis (2010)
Marian Dora meets Neil Breen
This is by far the worst MD movie that I've seen. Yes it low budget, yes the gore looks convincing. If you've seen his other films you know what's in store. But this is mindless pointless drivel. Imagine the Neil Breen masterpiece "I Am Here.... Now" on a boat but with the mech-Jesus character being a sadist, rapist and nudist- with two other women. Oh and dolls and doll heads floating in dirty water for no real reason. That's it basically. They take one woman on their boat. Treat her just well enough to stay then violation and eventually murder. There is not artistic value to this movie. Lots of b roll of boat things and water used to pad the run time. If MD combined the concept of Caribbean Sunrise with this film and added... SOMETHING of a story or meaning or anything that's intriguing- then maybe it could be better.
MD- if you're reading this- I support filmmakers like yourself, but you need to have story and something other than edgy imagery to make yourself better known and better as a filmmaker. Hell, I work in film and would be happy to assist you.
Caribbean Sunrise (2002)
Not much to it really.
There's not much to say about this film. It's amateur shooting style. There's footage of a sunrise in the Caribbean, so we're told by the title, then in the Marian Dora fashion shows you something macabre. No explanation. None is really needed. Just showing an ordinary sunrise then you have a day ruining sight of a naked bloodied corpse. It can happen anywhere anytime. Maybe that's what the point is? I don't know. I need to write more to pad out the review character minimum. I saw this as a special feature on the dvd for Voyage to Agantis. I put off watching it for a while because of my oversaturation of MD's content of late.
Limit reached. Give it a go if you want to see more of MD's stuff. Not very well made but it's full of death, decay, rot, maybe sexual gratification of the above mentioned?
The Munsters (2022)
Rolling my eyes the whole time
Nobody wanted or even asked for this, except for Rob Zombie himself. It was another vanity project for him. I'm just going to say it, he is a total hack. I wish "they" would stop him from making more movies. His wife isn't the talent bomb he think she is. A throw away walk on role? Fine! But the lead??? No. There were plenty of other actresses who could have played that role and done a better job of it. He made this for the nostalgia, nothing more and it shows. Great technicals, weak storytelling, as is always the case with his movies. Stick with music videos and YouTube shorts, you'll gain more respect Rob. Don't waste your time, just rewatch the classic show.
Child's Play 2 (1990)
You have see this as
A meta work much like Gremlins 2. It's very self aware and kind of makes fun of itself. The fact that it has such a low rating and is panned almost universally boggles my mind that other viewers can't see it like I do. It's a blast to watch, a fun 84 minute time killer with all of the A-hole adult tropes not believing when they should, a child being a little too resourceful for his own good, and all of the blood you could want. Give it another watch but don't think too much! Remember- it's about a voodoo cursed walking talking killer doll!
The Sandman: 24/7 (2022)
Would have worked better if
If it had been more of a MOW episode. Just a simple little side story made just about the ruby and it's powers. It had everything set up perfectly except the third act. From there it just made itself a wraparound for the main storyline. That what ruined it for me. Sorry not sorry.
Back to the Beach (1987)
Fun fun fun mashup of 80s pop culture and 60s nostalgia!
The heading says it all. It's just popcorn fun! If you're aware of the Frankie and Annette, always happy go-lucky, way of life in their movies; THIS movie just continues it in a very cheesy self-aware way. They know, they knew what they were making and just had fun with it. Culture clashes and over the top moments just make you laugh at it as well as with it. The cameos are brilliant and sometimes unexpected. Leave your brain at the door for this one and just let it sweep you into its world then punch out the big muscled bad guy when you leave.
Dýrið (2021)
Well made but not very good.
There's not much story or that much underlying theme. It's not as deep as some might say. It's well shot, well produced, well acted. But the pacing would've worked better if there was more story. It's so damn thin when it could have built a much better narrative. I'd think if Ari Astor had a chance to make this film it would've had more impact, more... well anything.
Zelly and Me (1988)
Related to this movie so much as a child but I didn't understand why.
I saw this when I was a youngster (8 or 9) on HBO way back in the late 1980s or early 90s. I was fascinated by what I was seeing. I felt for her, I didn't know why. I related to her situation, but I couldn't understand why. It wasn't until rewatching it much later in my life that i realized what was actually happening to that poor girl. Her grandmother would only dish out love for Phoebe when phoebe was in full compliance with her grandmothers wishes meanwhile her nanny, Zelly loved her unconditionally. Hence the tagline. "Zelly never made me choose between being loved and being me." Her emotions are in a rollercoaster of conflict between her two gaurdians. Which made me understand that I had a similar upbringing. My parents only gave me loving attention when they saw what they wanted from me and not who I was becoming. I understand this cannot be compared to children who suffered worse childhood trauma but this kind of treatment plays a factor on your mental health. This is how trust issues arise later in life, how one can become over attached to a superficial relationship, etc. And how you wonder why a child would come to harm themselves when they don't feel loved. In that kind of situation, feeling pain the same way one of you childhood hero's went through might be better than feeling nothing at all from someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally.
I wish this film was more recognized and had a wider audience. It's a shame it's not on dvd or bluray. I feel like this is a more important film to watch as a child of the same age as the main character Phoebe. The pain you see on screen is very real. It's deep emotional pain and that can shape you or harm you later in life. It did me.
If you can watch or find this movie I highly recommend it. Whether you endured similar circumstances or not, this will help you understand that that kind of mistreatment as child, even if adults like to say "this is nothing compared to-". This stuff hurts.
Tiger King: The Doc Antle Story (2021)
For more reassurance
If the peacocking, overcompensating, POS personality of Antle wasn't fully established in the original run of TK, look no further. This short spinoff focuses solely on him and how much of a POS he truly is. Done in the same way as the TK series, good build up of the narrative, twists and turns, pseudo revenge, and some closure for those who fell victim to Antle.
The fact that he isn't in jail for sexual misconduct with minors amazes me. He is a brainwashing, grooming, sexual predator.
The Taking of Beverly Hills (1991)
At any level
This movie will insult your intelligence. Mindless action movie or not. This is a 4 year olds dream of a hero fantasy that makes no sense and it's not even enjoyably bad. It's bad bad.
Three Fugitives (1989)
Strong start
This movie starts out so strong. You think alright, tough guy Nick Nolte as the reformed criminal, and goofy Martin Short as the amateur bank robber, this is gonna be an awesome comedy. And it starts out that way. Short's performance during his introduction during the initial robbery is hilarious! The lack of control, the money bag, the stocking tearing! Funny as can be! However, after Nolte is accidentally shot in the leg, shortly after that, the movie starts to lose track of itself and the pacing becomes tedious. So much so that it seems like the movie is looking at you dead in the eyes and says- I don't know what I am anymore. And over the course of the rest of the movie it becomes a sappy, pseudo family drama without anymore real laughs like it had at the start. Sure it's heart is in the right place, but THIS? The connection between Short's daughter Meg and Nolte's Lucas is so forced! I never saw anything that said these two are truly connected.
For those that have never watched this- be ready for the shift in tone after Nolte gets shot in the leg. It's not the movie you thought it was going to be.
The Cell (2000)
If anything, it is Tarsem's best movie.
The artworks taken and used in this film are justified for the dreamscapes. The plot is coherent and easy to follow. However, seeing the most of directors works, he favors style over substance. This film has good balance when it comes to that. The acting is ok, D'Onofrio on the other hand, is the standout actor. With the elaborate set pieces and costumes, flashy camera and lighting- D'Onofiro brings it to life. He in essence is king in his own dream world.
If you like style watch this movie. If you like substance with a stylish flare- you could do better, but this movie falls in line with that. If anything else see it for Vincent D'Onofiro.
Immortals (2011)
Lots of pretty, not much else.
This is without a doubt Tarsem's answer to 300, Clash of the Titans, Troy, and even Fight Club. But this movie has none of the substance that most of those previously mentioned films have. It's a crap movie reusing story elements from the above but with prettier sets and costumes (maybe)?
The Dark Backward (1991)
If only...
If only this movie had just allowed itself to be unintentionally funny instead of awkwardly not funny and had tightened up the pacing, it could've been so much better. There's so much dead space in the runtime of this film. 104min? It could've run for 80min and would've been so much better. I liked the poorly written standup but even when you do such a thing you make a good joke accidentally or at least make the audience think you did. That didn't happen here. I think with one moment in a dream sequence I let out a true laugh, the rest of the time I was trying to not look at my watch or see how much time was left.
The setup was all there. It just didn't make use of it. I was let down. I'd been waiting for close to thirty years to see this movie and I was disappointed.
The Fall (2006)
What the hell folks?
I'll say it up front. Tarsem doesn't have a single original bone in his body. He tries to mimic- sorry, RIP OFF the works of others and expects to be hailed as an artistic genius? How do you not see it??? Blatant visual replication of Baraka, Dalí, the many works of Kurosawa. Story elements of Baron Munchausen, Amelie, City of lost Children, Cinema Paradiso, Zorro, Homer's Odyssy, The Wizard of Oz- and a hint of Return to Oz, and A Little Princess. I'm sure there's many folktales in there as well. I could forgive all of this if he actually did something with it. But no, it's a visual hodgepodge with no good story, shallow characterization, no suspense or any real drama, and crappy acting due to poor direction. The little girl has great personality, but she's either not a good actress or she was poorly directed. I'm betting on the latter.
When I hear people who are supposed to be film buffs or cinephiles mention this movie like it's been unfairly brushed aside- there's a reason for that! It's not good and nearly everything in it has been stolen from something else. I aware of the fact that other directors steal from their cohorts. Tarantino specifically. The distinguishing factor here is that the good ones take it and make it their own. You pick up on where the element is coming from and see how they change or improve that to make you say- "Oh wow! The way he did that was awesome! I know he got it from (blankly blank) but man! That worked really well in that scene!" That doesn't happen in The Fall. Having someone on screen cry to make a scene emotional doesn't automatically make it emotional.
The movie delivers with the eye candy visuals, but the sad fact is that all of it has been done before. He did this before when he made The Cell.
Tarsem fans- HE'S A HACK!
Mignonnes (2020)
Eh... just not a good movie. I saw the intentions of the makers it just fell way short.
Not great but not 3.2 bad (as of this posting). This movie had a lot to say but it never really said it. It didn't convey the culture clash between the child, her friends, and her family's way of life all that well.
This movie is about the sexual awakening of a culturally repressed child and not knowing how to cope or what to do about it. Her upbringing at home says one thing (she had her first period and in her family's culture- she's now a full fledged woman) while the youth around her say another (her click thinks she's taking things like their dancing too far, as in adult oriented.) . She's confused and makes some really bad decisions because she had no formal guidance about what is acceptable for someone of her age and what isn't. Her unbalanced impulses lead to some shocking behavior to say the least.
But after all of the turmoil she learns that she's still just a kid and she still has a ways to go before she's actually "grown up."
This movie had great potential but kind of came up short. The outrage over the subject matter is/was unwarranted. Yes, there are some moments that will make you feel uneasy and even disturb. But in relation to the film, this is exactly why sexual education at a young age is so important. "The talk" needs to happen before the onset of puberty. Otherwise you may as a parent have situations like the ones depicted in this film.
My Life (1993)
Touching and makes you really think about the inevitable
If you know the premise of this film you won't be surprised with how it's going to end. You know it's coming. However, this film shows you how someone can deal with it. He knows he's going to die. He knows his wife will have his child. He knows his child won't know him in the future. He does everything he can to make sure his son knows what kind of man his father was. Even try to raise him with the videos he makes. From baby talk to shaving to cooking to changing the oil in a car. He goes above and beyond to make certain he is remembered by his son. Giving him the life lessons he won't be there to give.
It's in that element of him making these videos- about him and his family and how his family has their troubles just like anyone else. Whether it's a childhood drama from long ago or a current family issue. This film spans all of it and does it well. It teaches you to forgive and forget and don't hold grudges. To not let a relationship sour over a disagreement.
We have our lives to live and one chance to do it. Right or wrong in your own choices, be happy with how you got here. Face your fears from the past, apologize if you're wrong, ask for one if you've been wronged. Don't take that anger with you as you move on from this world.
As this film teaches us, the less fear and anger you have in life will help you move on towards death.
Deja Vu (2006)
Didn't expect much
I wasn't expecting this to be best pictures worthy. I knew Tony Scott was going more towards the visual spectacle side at this point in his career but I'll say this is a damn entertaining movie. The time traveling aspect and the "how it functions" part of this movie is a new idea in that realm and it works well. Don't think too much about time travel paradoxes. Leave that part of your brain out of the equation. Just sit back and enjoy. Munch on your popcorn and let yourself be entertained. If you want to kill two hours with a fast paced action movie you can do a hell of a lot worse than this.
Milk Money (1994)
Love this movie
There's a lot to enjoy about this movie if you don't perverse the innocence of what it's really about. Young children- especially boys, are curious about sex. Pre-internet times called for measures that they took. And since they were raised in households that are exceptionally uptight about the subject what else could they do? The idea was simple enough, they heard that ladies take their clothes off for money and they wanted to look. After the goal had been accomplished, this person they objectified had become more than just an object because she had saved then from a dire situation and we the audience see her as someone with a heart of gold.
Hellmaster (1992)
Whaaat in the hell is happening here?????
I don't know where to start, the plot is so disjointed and nonsensical. It seems to start from the second act then go into a third act but stay in the middle of the third. There's almost no sympathetic lead character because almost every character plays the lead at some point. I don't know who is whom to who. We jump around every few minutes in order to just end one scene to start another scene. The makeup and gore is respectable for what this is. But unless that's the only reason for watching it you're not missing much. John Saxon is ok I guess. He's been in better movies than this. Not a career highlight.
I don't have much more to say other than- it's bad- even for a bad movie.