A Reflection, Forgive Me my Friend…

“Afwan Ukh, I can’t join the study today, there is an agenda.”

“Afwan Akh, I couldn’t do it, there are targets that I should achieve.”
“Afwan Non, I’m busy. So, I can’t help you. Maybe next time, InsyaAllah.”
"Sorry Sis, I stopped giving lessons for a while, inshaAllah will be replaced with my friends.
Don’t cry my sister.”
"I’m Sorry Neng, I've rarely sending sms to you, I'm very busy"
"I’m Sorry Neng, I did not get to accompany you .."
"I'm sorry, I can not come to your boarding place, I have the show."
"Ustadzah, amy not be able to come to the briefing, there are agenda and have to leave this afternoon."
"Ustadzah, can the meeting be accelerated? You see, amy have no time anymore. "
"Ustadzah, please take over my job at xxxx."
Who knows how many hundred words "sorry and Afwan" which came out of my lips, which I
typed in my mobile phones and keyboards. 7 months lately, I do not know how many hundred
people that I make disappointed with those two words. Regret it appears, however, my
selfishness conquers all.
Long before I stand here today, 6 years ago I had a wonderful dream, become an expert in
foreign language, mastering the various languages in this world. I felt my way very easily
through, no one obstacle was to be able to achieve this dream. As difficult as any obstacle that, I
would take it. Everybody supported me. Until two years after that, my teachers gave awards that
exist only at the time, I enter this class English. A history of my past. I'm not dreaming to be a
champion English debate or whatever, I'm quite proud of the courage blah ... blah ... blah at that
time ..
I'm dreaming again want to go to SMA 1 Psati. Ex-residency favorite school in Pati, even in
Central Java. My dream wish to enter the language classroom. I knew myself, I'm not being in
the ranks of students at SMP 1 psati clever, but I picked up at least 10 large capable in the
classroom.
Alhamdulillah, I went in Castra Jayecwara without any significant hindrance. an obvious pride
radiates from my family, because it means I'm able to maintain the title of "dynasty SMA 1".
here, I started "pressured" to enter IPA. Though my main purpose language. My ego is so high.
But who would have thought I stay logged in IPA? Grief! I'm confused, because I do not know
anything about science.
"If you entered your language, you will be confused when looking for majors in the university.
we were afraid that it just wants you temporarily. We do not want you to regret. believe me, even
if you do not enter the language class, you can learn in a self-taught. Language is easy because
the ordinary. "
That final sentence should I approve. Crossed the desire to learn science with diligence, in order
to enter shipping Techniques in ITS. But it's only desire was again banned. I'm lazy to learn, to
hold the book I do not have desire. but in class XII, I began a passion for learning. not funny if 3
years of proudly wearing red and white bedge classy but not graduate school? In fact, graduation
is common. Stupid-stupid Castra'ers must pass with ease. I'm not a stupid child. Hahahahaha ...
but I really enjoy here.
Aku pasrah kemanapun diarahkan. Hampa. Hingga aku terdampar di sini saat ini. Di sini pun aku
ogah-ogahan. Jangan tanya catatan, buku, diktat, dll sama aku. Aku ga punya. Makul favoritku
cuma IAD, agama, sama kewarganegaraan. Ya maksudnya aku tinggal nyari di memori otakku
pas SMP. Hehhehe,, Yang lain ogah. Tapi kenapa IP-ku segitu?? Padahal belajar pun aku ga
pernah. Senyumku yang selalu menghiasi wajahku tu semu. Decak iri kalian, ucapan selamat
kalian atas IP pertamaku itu bagaikan badai yang semakin menyeretku dalam penyesalan dan
keputusasaan.
7 bulan yang lalu, aku seperti mendapat kekuatan dan keberanian baru untuk berontak. Aku
berazzam ikut SNMPTN tahun ini. Teknik Perkapalan ITS. Saat aku mengutarakan keinginanku,
ratusan “kenapa” selalu menghujaniku. Aku mulai belajar lagi. Bukan mudah,sangat sulit. Secara
dulu ga bisa sekarang lupa. Hahahaha… tapi aku ga putus asa. Aku angkut semua catatan dan
buku-buku yang kuanggap perlu ke kosan. Aku berjibaku dengan mereka tiap malam. Aku
melupakan segala mata kuliah yang ada. Bahkan aku rela bolos kuliah demi memecahkan satu
soal sulit, ngungsi ke UNNES pun pernah buat nyari bantuan. Hehehe. . masa bodoh dengan
nilaiku semester ini. Hingga aku merasa siap menghadapi SNMPTN pertamaku. Tapi pas
pendaftaran dibuka, tiba-tiba slide demi slide berputar di otakku.
“amy yakin mau keluar? Coba pikirkaan lagi sayang, apakah ini cuma keinginan atau emosi
sesaatmu? Kami membutuhkan kontribusimu ukh..”
“kuliah untuk menuntut ilmu, bukan untuk mencari pekerjaan. Tapi kodratnya nanti kamu jadi
seorang ibu. Dan saya yakin, kamu bukan tipe seorang yang nantinya mau jadi ibu rumah tangga
saja. Pikirkan itu.”
“kamu boleh menuntut ilmu setinggi mungkin, semahal apapun, tapi kamu harus janji kamu ga
boleh terseret arus feminisme, hedonisme, dll”
“kamu udah pernah merasakan gimana punya ibu yang super sibuk kan? Kamu mau anakmu
bernasib sama?”
“kamu pernah berpikir ga kalo kamu orang paling egois di dunia ini? Kamu ninggalin umat!
Kamu ga pernah berpikir masih banyak yang ga bisa kuliah!”
“udah lah my, ga usah keluar, stay di sini aja. Kamu rela ninggalin para fans kamu? Hahaha…
ntar gw kenalin dah ma dosen perkapalan ITS atau STAN, kali aja ada yang mau nyari istri
kedua. Hwkwkwwkwkwk..”
Itu potongan-potongan kalimat diskusi antara aku dengan guruku, temanku, murabbiku, orang
tuaku, utiku, sahabatku, dll. Mulai dari yang serius sampe yang becandanya ancur banget.
Akhirnya aku memang ga daftar SNMPTN. Tapi aku tetap melanjutkan azzamku yang lain,
dengan bimbang. Entahlah bagaimana hasilnya nanti.
Aku masih tetap dalam kegamangan. Aku masih berada pada titik jenuh itu, hingga detik ini.
Maafkan aku teman… Aku belum bisa menjadi Amy yang kalian harapkan. Aku sedang
berusaha bangkit dari keterpurukan dan kefuturan.