A special edit ion of The Souths Liveliest College Newspaper

ESTABLISHED 1911, GEORGIA INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY, ATLANTA, GA

w
i
t
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Hell Georgia
To
tuesday
November 25, 2008
Online: www.thwuga.net
volume 94, Issue 18
By Lon Moore
Senior Plow Technology Writer
Te U[sic]GA Ofce of In-
formation Technology has been
forced to extend its hours lately
due the spread of what is being
called the Etch A Sketch virus.
After being unsuccessful for
several years at bringing comput-
ers to the university, the faculty at
U[sic]GA began distributing Etch
A Sketches to all students who
were in upper-level classes. Out of
the thousands of students using
the devices, over 600 have noticed

By Dick Cummings
Senior Economics and Drugs Writer
U[sic]GA students struggling
to pay for room and board or tu-
ition have turned to a new income
source in hard economic times:
selling their sperm to local sperm
banks.
Tousands of would-be stu-
dent-donors have lined up around
entire city blocks for their chance
to get paid for something theyd
do anyway.
Tis run on the sperm bank
was triggered by an advertisement
that urged residents of Athens to
help their local banks through the
economic crisis.
Te line at Athens City Sperm
Bank featured a menagerie of
U[sic]GA students. Bobby Jay,
backup linebacker and sixth-year
Early Childhood Education ma-
jor, said he couldnt believe peo-
ple were actually asking for his
sperm.
Usually my stuf gets me in
trouble with the ladies, but now
its helping to pay my bills, Jay
said, who is currently paying ali-
mony for three children.
Students line up to provide sperm banks bailout
Etch A Sketch virus hits campus
Student body president and
trust-fund baby Leonard Blanks
was also waiting in line with what
he called the rabble.
I have enough money to buy
and sell these rednecks. But, I feel
its my civic duty as student body
president to pass on my awesome
sperm to the next generation,
Blanks said. He was carrying a
framed picture of himself as he
went into the donation room.
Linda Wilson, a chief of staf at
the sperm bank, was visibly frus-
trated with the students and the
long lines.
First, Im tired of students
signs of infection.
Te most common symptom is
the spontaneous drawing of male
genitalia, followed by the phrase
Take me to your leader. Other
symptoms include a blank screen
and an odd buzzing noise. Shak-
ing of the Etch A Sketch failed to
restart the units.
People all over campus are be-
ing afected by the virus, which
appears to be spread when stu-
dents bang their Etch A Sketches
together as a gesture of friend-
ship.
To try to stop the spread of
the virus, faculty has been advis-
ing students to place their Etch A
Sketches in Zip-lock bags before
banging them together. Although
we feel fairly sure that our advice
will go unheeded, we want to at
least get the knowledge out there,
said the dean of students.
Because of the seriousness of
the outbreak, U[sic]GA faculty
have contemplated closing down
campus for the rest of the month
and declaring it a school football
holiday. Tats great, because
Ive already pre-gamed for the
holidays, said one math major.
Vet school fnds link between
bovine STD, student outbreak
By Wayne Kerr
Chief STD Editor
Researchers at the College
of Veterinary Medicine have
discovered a link between a
strain of bovine gonorrhea and
a string of illnesses plaguing
the U[sic]GA student body.
Since early August, Health
Services has been thrust by an
abnormally large number of
students complaining of symp-
toms similar to the human
variation of the disease includ-
ing a burning sensation while
urinating.
Cause for the surge in the
unidentifed gonorrhea strain
was unknown. However last
Tursday, researchers at the
Large Animal Department at
the Veterinary School found a
connection between the simul-
taneous outbreaks amongst the
students and the lab cows.
Last night, I was acheckin
out my cow Bessie in the lab.
She look awfully uncomfort-
able in the udder region and
below. And well, lets just say
I gave her a check-up, and the
next morning I found some
weird lookin stuf on my
funny parts when I went a pee
pee, said Harry Paratestes,
ffth-year Intensive Cow Stud-
ies major.
In one of the most extreme
cases on campus, the gonorrhea
outbreak is now being blamed
for this football seasons earlier
49-10 loss to the Florida Ga-
tors. Ofcials attribute the
football teams embarrassing
performance to set in of tem-
porary blindness within most
of the untreated U[sic]GA de-
fensive line during the second
half.
As far as I can see, thats
the only reason we coulda lost
that badly, said Isaac Balls,
third-string linebacker.
U[sic]GA ofcials now be-
lieve that the bovine gonorrhea
outbreak so deeply penetrated
the student body that veteri-
nary school doctors are now
pushing for wider STD testing
across campus. In response,
students have voiced back-
lash against the addition of a
school-wide mandated test.
Gosh, I hope not. I al-
ready failed my Intro to Num-
ber Counting test this week.
Te last thing I need is to fail
another test, said Beau Vines,
second-year Distillery Sciences
major.
In addition to increased
testing, Veterinary School and
School of Pharmacy research-
ers are developing an antibiotic
mycoxofavin to combat the
current outbreak. However, of-
fcials strongly advise the stu-
dent body that the drug should
only be administered orally.
By Howe Grosse / Student Publications
Pocket Poolman, second-year Self Discovery maj or, browses a copy of
Deer & Deer Hunt i ng magazine as he prepares t o donat e sperm.
wanting me to be their chief of
staf. Second, we expect hand-
some, well-educated donors and
all were getting is U[sic]GA stu-
dents. I just wish these losers
would unload their sperm some-
where else, Wilson said.
In fact, Wilson has decided to
start a dating service to refer low-
quality or ineligible sperm bank
donors to the female population at
U[sic]GA. Top female candidates
subscribing to the service include
U[sic]GA cheerleaders, sorority
presidents and fashion merchan-
dising professors.
Te sperm bank run has re-
sulted in other unexpected con-
sequences. Te deluge of sperm
donors has caused a shortage of
reading material at the bank. Nor-
mally there were ample copies of
farming and animal magazines,
but recently those copies have been
damanged as excited students fip
through them and tear pages.
On the national front, CNNs
Jack Caferty opined today that
treasury secretary Henry Paul-
sons eforts to bail out the sperm
bank have been nothing but a
sticky mess.
Usually my st uff
get s me in t rouble
wit h t he ladies, but
now its helping t o
pay my bills.
Bobby Jay
Sixth-year Early Childhood
Education major
An error message
on one U(sic)GA
students Etch
A Sketch has re-
placed the me-
ticulously drawn
portrait of his pet
goat that used to
appear on it.
2 November 25, 2008 THWUGA TO HELL WITH NEWS
K,Q,X removed from English
Changes aim to make language easier for students
By Iyler T. Rate
Copy Editor
In an efort to promote ef-
ciency in communications and to
mace speacing lice a rednec even
easier, U[sic]GA has decided to re-
move the letters K, Q and X from
the alphabet. While speacing
English wont really be afected
that much, reading and writing
will tace a signifcant blow, even
though only 12 percent of campus
population is literate.
Te controversy frst started
when the letters were used incor-
rectly. For egzample, a series of
billboards cept on talcing about
eeting mor chiken, and people
wondered why they couldnt just
use one k instead of two. So it
was decided to get rid of it all to-
gether.
Other cuestions came about
with the letter X. Te math de-
partment was initially against
dropping the letter X, because its
apparently essential in their senior
and graduate classes that deal with
a subject called algebra.
Q was an issue as well. Many
beloved acronyms lice FAQ and
Q&A were ruined, because they
the cyoo noise wasnt a single
letter anymore. Eventually people
should catch on to how things are
spelled, for the few that can spell
their own name.
By tacing K, Q and X out of
the alphabet, English is predicted
to become more intuitive. For ex-
ample the passage Katies khaki
corduroys relax her questions
about queer xenophobes, now
becomes Caties chaci corduroys
relacs her cuestions about cueer
zenophobes.
Larry Highwaters, profes-
sor of communications focusing
on slurred speech dialects in the
bacwoods, believes the language
would become easier to grasp.
Tis ideer be daggum good,
dats what I be talcing bout,
cause this be good move, no cues-
tion bout dun gooder, Highwa-
ters said.
By Holee Brics
The sign in front of At hens St . Richt UGA Church has begun t o observe t he new 23 let t er alphabet . The
regular sign updat er comment ed t hat his j ob is much easier wit h fewer let t ers t o keep t rack of.
By the Technique
If its your frst year at Georgia
Tech or if you are a University
of Georgia student lucky enough
to lay eyes on this issue of the
Techniquewelcome to To Hell
With Georgia, a very special edi-
tion of the Te Souths Liveliest
College Newspaper. In the fol-
lowing pages you will fnd alco-
hol, rednecks, farm animals and
lots of dawgs.
We members of the Technique
are often asked how the tradition
of THWUGA began. Friends say
that by producing such a rag, we
Tech students merely perpetuate
unfortunate stereotypesof Ath-
ens students as drunken rednecks
and ourselves as geeks with infe-
riority complexesthat are no
longer as true as they once were.
Te answer to these questions are
the same every time; THWUGA
is as much about us as it is about
our rivals.
Some 97 years ago, the frst edi-
tion of the Technique published on
Nov. 17, 1911 was a four-page pa-
per that focused primarily on the
upcoming football contest with
Georgia. It predicted, arrogantly
and incorrectly, that the Jackets
would triumph over the Bulldogs.
From these modest roots, the
present day Technique came into
being. And it is these roots that we
as a staf honor when we produce
To Hell With Georgia.
Over the years, the Technique
has produced various issues mock-
ing UGAs daily newspaper, Te
Red and Black, and the constitu-
ency it serves.
Its been called Te Rude and
Bleak and UGA Today, and its lead
story has ranged from airport se-
curity classes, Uga Vs sex change
operation and a plethora of barn-
yard critters.
But it is not the name of the
paper or the content within it that
matters most to us; it is the tradi-
tion embodied in this issue that
we hold deara tradition of inge-
nuity and creativity that binds us
together not only as a newspaper
staf, but also as a Tech commu-
nity.
While the jokes may tend to be
the same, lame or just plain crude,
we stay dedicated to the fact of
honoring our humble beginnings.
Maintaining high journalistic
standards and being the voice of
Tech students is the primary con-
cern of the Technique , but through
this special issue we still keep alive
the moniker of Te Souths Live-
liest College Newspaper.
So as you fip through the
pages keep in mind its all in good
humor and meant to make you
thankful and proud to be a Jacket.
We hope you enjoy reading it as
much as we enjoyed creating it.
Remember this issue is as much
about you, me and Ma Tech as it
is about UGA.
THWUGA: as much
about us as them
THWUGA November 25, 2008 3 TO HELL WITH NEWS
Starting Pay - $8/hour
Holidays and Breaks - $10/hour
Download application at
www.crc.gatech.edu/aboutus/jobs.php
Return completed application TODAY at
the CRC Member Services desk.
Ellis and Associates, Inc. (E & A) Lifeguard license
required for employment. In addition to Lifeguard
training, this course includes CPR & First Aid.
Cost: $100, includes book and licensing fee
Member Services desk in the CRC!
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Cross-Over Course For those currently
certified in American Red Cross or YMCA.
Register TODAY at the
Contact:aisha.lewis@crc.gatech.edu
404.894.8831
Campus Recreation
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E & A Course Schedule:
Must attend ALL dates and times
Thursday
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Saturday
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January 8
January 9
January 10
January 11
6:00-10:00 p.m.
5:30-9:30 p.m.
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By Sass Poole
Senior Dumpster Diver
Georgia governor Sonny Per-
due has requested that president
George W. Bush name the U[sic]
GA and the surrounding Athens
region a federal disaster zone after
its degradation and violation fol-
lowing the Florida football game.
Perdue called an emergency
meeting two weeks ago to discuss
the state of U[sic]GA football as
they were losing to Florida 49 to
10.
Perdue immediately got his
panel together to label Athens a
disaster area.
We knew we needed to label
the area a disaster area. If we let
it go unnoticed, it may have con-
sumed the entire area, Perdue
said.
Its amazing the amount of
devastation that Florida inficted
on Georgia. It was like Tebow and
them just swooped in and violat-
ed them, over and over and over
again. It all just came out all over
the place, said Harry Balls, direc-
tor of Facilities.
Immediately after the game,
Campus declared disaster area after painful loss to Florida
students walked into the streets
creating mass chaos across cam-
pus from pillaging stores to crying
in the streets.
You would think that af-
ter losing to Florida every year,
we would be prepared for it. But
youre never prepared for it when
it happens, never, said Ben Gay,
eighth-year Animal Romance ma-
jor.
In addition to using the federal
funding to revitalize Athens, Pur-
due plans to use the money to cre-
ate a water reservoir to help deal
with the drought that has been
plaguing Georgia.
A series of sewer drains would
channel the inevitable fow of
tears and alcohol from broken li-
quor bottles from the yearly riot
into the reservoir.
All of the state ofcials got
together to talk about the game
and think about what we could do
to take advantage of the losses
And we remembered what hap-
pened over the summer when we
needed some rain? At least now
theres a silver lining to the dark
cloud of shame that is a UGA edu-
cation, Perdue said.
By Way Uphigh
Aft er t he disast rous defeat against Florida earlier t his year, t ears of sadness by dist raught UGA fans
resulted in a fash food all over Athens that resulted in the need for emergency evacuation.
THWUGA November 25, 2008 5 TO HELL WITH NEWS
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1
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By Anita Geuax
Ofce Waste Removal Technician
President Michael Adams has
announced a state of emergency
for U[sic]GA in the wake of a rash
of urination and defecation inci-
dents over the past few weeks.
Te epidemic started over fall
break, when a freshman at a Rus-
sell Hall dorm soiled her room-
mates bed, soaking the sheets and
mattress. Te freshman has not
been named, but she has become
a cult hero for many of the other
students on campus.
Man, Ive always wanted to
pee on my roommates bed, but
this girl had the guts to do it.
#1 and #2 state of emergencies declared for campus
Coming back from those keg par-
ties, you know, makes you kinda
need to go, and itd be so much
better to relieve yourself on your
roommates stuf than have an
accident on the way to the bath-
room, said Jess Stoned, third-year
party politics major. From now
on, I will no longer be afraid to go
on any bed, including my own.
Stoneds sentiments have been
echoed by many, as the recent
spate of bedwetting and defeca-
tion both alcohol and non-alco-
hol-induced has evidenced.
Adams has said that Housing
can no longer handle requests to
clean up the messes due to gen-
eral disgust among the staf.
In fact, Housing janitors have
threatened to go on strike and
form a union if they have to take
care of one more incidence.
Ive worked hard to go from
daycare centers to retirement
communities to make my way up
here to college dorms. Tey said
Id be moving up in the world, but
students on this campus are way
messier than the worst of the retir-
ees, said janitor D. Oodie.
Students have also taken to
urinating and defecating in their
classrooms and on U[sic]GA
grounds.
We dont mind the kids do-
ing their part to help the environ-
ment and fertilizing the earth,
but we have cows for that. And
doing it in the classrooms is un-
acceptable, Adams said. Profes-
sors simply dropping out over the
smell alone.
I didnt leave my third-world
country to go to a land of op-
portunity that smells just like it,
complained Fez Ylrnrksj, profes-
sor of foreign cultures, the day he
resigned.
Due to the precarious situ-
ation with Housing, the loss of
professors and the transformation
of campus into a cow pasture/gi-
ant porta-potty, Adams has been
forced to declare a temporary state
of emergency for the U[sic]GA
campus.
We cannot continue this way,
Adams said. U[sic]GA cannot
continue to be known as a crappy
school.
I ve always want ed
t o pee on my
roommat es bed, but
t his girl had t he gut s
t o do it.
Jess stoned
Third-year Party Politics
major
By Drew Krapp / Stupid Publications
Te South should secede (again)
So the elections are over, and
its time to take a hard look at the
state of our country. Tings are
going wrong, terribly wrong.
Parts of our country elected
a man whose name is totally
un-American (Barack Hussein
Obama? Couldnt he have changed
his name to Barry, or something?),
and in our own state, our once be-
loved state fag went from pretty
much being the Confederate fag,
to having a tiny little Confederate
fag at the bottom, to having no
remnant at all of the Confederate
fag. And we still cant buy booze
on Sundays! Tese important is-
sues show that the country is on a
downward spiral, and Ive got the
solution for it.
I spent several minutes thinking
about what to do, and I couldnt
come up with anything, so I start-
ed drinking. After passing out,
I had this awesome dream that
must have been sent by God as a
plan to fx the real America. Never
mind that I was riding a unicorn
with the purple Teletubby during
most of the dream; the point is
that we were riding through Ath-
ens, which had become the capital
of the new Confederacy.
Tats right. In my dream, the
South had seceded from the rest
of the United States again and we
had built our own country under
my leadership. I know some of this
may sound farfetchedIve never
actually seen a unicornbut I as-
sure you I have a sound plan for
transition.
For one, I have always admired
Greek political philosophy, so I
propose that for our new Confed-
erate country we choose our lead-
ers wisely. To elect the president,
we can have a pan-Hellenic beer
chugging competition among all
the fraternities. So far I hold the
record for most beers chugged, so
I am fairly confdent that I will rise
up as the most competent leader.
Ten, Im going to need me a
First Lady that is ft to govern, so
I propose we follow a similar path
and host a bikini contest to see
which sorority girl is the hottest.
We cant go wrong with a plan like
this, which would assure that we
have the most qualifed man and
woman in the White Barn, as Ill
call our new residence, and also,
well be sure that they are totally
American.
Youd think the question of
who well let in would be fairly
simple if we just decide to accept
all of the old Confederate states,
but we have a few traitors in the
mix. North Carolina and Virginia
both voted for Obama, and thats
just not going to fy. We need to
be sure that the states we let in
are truly patriotic and are going
to go along with all my awesome
ideas, so either North Carolina
and Virginia prove to us that they
are Confederacy material (maybe
we could look at their track record
in the Redneck Olympics) or they
are going to be out.
Another way we could do it is
to only let in states with schools
in the SEC, since North Carolina
and Virginia dont belong to this
elite group anyway. However, we
would have to make an exception
for Texas (Im still working out
the details).
Speaking of college football,
some of you may have accidentally
watched Obamas 60 Minutes in-
terview a few weeks ago, where
he promised to enact a playof
system in the BCS, and thought
that maybe this was the right guy
to lead our nation after all, but let
me warn you that his promises to
bring a BCS tournament about
are just promises. Clearly the man
has no actual experience creating
sports tournaments, and without
proven experience we just cant
trust him. Dont let all this talk
of change fool you, no matter how
badly you may want or need it.
I, on the other hand, can
promise real changes based on
past experience. Among the frst
things Ill do will be making
Athens the new capital of south
(not Atlanta, of course; were go-
ing to need a really big stadium
and lots of farm animals for the
Inauguration Ball); bringing back
the Confederate fag (I know all
of yall already have fags, bum-
per stickers and t-shirts with it,
so the transition should be cheap
and smooth); making English the
ofcial language of our new Con-
federacy (I dont think we have
anybody foreign around here any-
way); repealing the Sunday ban
on alcohol, which is clearly just
stupid; and bringing back some of
the best policies put in place un-
der Bush, like renaming French
fries freedom fries.
Im all about taking the best
parts of America and putting
them together in our new coun-
try. I grew up listening to my par-
ents talk and sing songs about the
South rising again, so I know I
have found my calling. I hope the
rest of yall are on board.
STUFF WE THINK Consensual Fun
Stuf We Tink refects the majority opinion of the Editorial
Board of THWUGA.
We could...only let in st at es
wit h schools in t he SEC, since
Nort h Carolina and Virginia don t
belong t o t his elit e group...
Stonewall Lee
Future Confederacy President
We Guess So
THWUGA
8
Tuesday,
November 25, 2008
Too many OB-GYNs arent able to practice
their love with women all across this country.
George W. Bush
Drink of the week: Redneck Prairie Fire
Mix 1 oz. grain alcohol and 1/4 oz. Louisiana hot sauce

Copyright 2008 Craig Tabita and by the Board of Student Publications.
To Hell With Georgia, a special issue of the Technique, is an ofcial publication of the Georgia Tech
Board of Student Publications. No part of this paper may be reproduced in any manner without written
permission from the Editor-in-Chief or from the Board of Student Publications. Te ideas expressed
herein are those of the individual authors and do not necessarily refect the views of the Board of Student
Publications, the students, staf or faculty of the Georgia Institute of Technology and the University
System of Georgia, nor those of the students, staf or faculty of the University of Georgia.
First copy free. Subsequent copies $1 each.
Editorial Board
Pikachu, Sliver Overseer
Kill Bill, Death by Design
Bo Rang, In Development
Baby Killer Spiller, Very Entertaining
Syrian Princess, Puppies and Rainbows
Haiku Fan, Paper Prettifer
Korben Dallas, News Junkie
Blnes, Hacker for Hire
Time 2 Print, Consensus Monger
Amon Golian, Reach-Around Editor
Trilla-n-Manila, Picture Perfect
Spud Hasselhof, Sporty German
Ta-Bibbity-Boppity-Boo, Master Chief
Jay-Z, Managing Loonies
Laws are stupid
Its a good thing most college
football games arent on Sundays,
because these laws against buy-
ing booze on Sundays are stupid!
We should be able to celebrate our
win against the Jackets or any other
sucky teams any day of the week!
Drinking is our God-given right as
Americans. While were at it, the 18
and up drinking law is stupid too.
Something needs to be done about
this ASAP.
Another set of laws that are stupid
are laws against incest. Everybody
knows that families are good, and
what better way to fnd a mate than
with the people you know best? It
also makes sense to date inside your
family so you can have a cheaper
wedding, stay and live in the same
house, and not worry about chang-
ing last names. Tese laws punish us
for loving our families, which makes
no sense either!
Laws suck and were going to stop
following them. Its stupid to be pun-
ished for stuf that is awesome.
What are you doin carryin a newspaper?
I daggum know you cant read!
Read? A newspaper? You silly willy!
These are made for linin your chicken coop with!
THWUGA November 25, 2008 7 WE GUESS SO
OUR SEES Hawt or Frostay
Rockin tractors Etch-a-sketchin
.
Intramurals rule

Florida sucks
HOT
or
NOT
I got a message for you UGA stu-
dents. Somebodys been stealing my
pigs, and its not cool. I especially
miss my special pig friend, Mrs.
Squeals, who has been my com-
panion for years. We share a special
bond that no one else can have. She
loves only me.
Im really worried that someone is
going to want to eat her because she
is so plump, juicy, curvy and beau-
tiful. I would be willing to trade a
horse, three goats and fve chickens
for the safe return of Mrs. Squeals.
She is the only white meat for me.
She has a birthmark in the shape
of the G on her shapely bum.
Photo confrmation is requested. Pig
stealing round these parts needs to
stop!
Porky McLovin
Animal afcionado
Its really cold out there
today, probably one of the
coldest days I can remember
since about last winterand
Im supposed to think that
the globe is warming? Real-
izing this, Ive been thinking
that there are some things that
just arent making sense these
days, so Ive decided to start a
campaign for common sense.
Here are some major miscon-
ceptions I keep hearing in the
crazy, elite media.
Te frst, obviously, is glob-
al warming. I dont remember
feeling any colder during the
summer when I was out work-
ing on my grandfathers farm,
and I dont remember feeling
any warmer now that Im in-
side watching football. Te
only times I remember feeling
really warm were after Id had
six straight shots of tequila,
but thats not something thats
man-made. People need to
stop listening to this nonsense.
Its not like weve got glaciers
melting or something.
Te other problem with
this argument is that if all this
global warming stuf is caused
by man, then dont you think
we can fx it? I mean, if we
can fgure out how to change
the weather from cold to hot,
then I think we can fgure out
how to make it go from hot to
cold, duh! Lets remember that
air conditioning and heating
systems were already invented
for houses, so we only have to
come up with something a lit-
tle bigger in the event that this
stuf is really happening.
Ok, next up: womens suf-
frage. I still hear people say
that this is good, and I am just
so confused. Now, Ive only
come to my U.S. history class
sober twice, but one of those
times we were learning that
a long time ago women were
actually calling for womens
sufrage! Anybody whos ever
dated a girl for more than one
night knows women are crazy,
so I guess that doesnt surprise
me that much.
Te problem I have with
this is that when I tell people
that we should do away with
womens sufrage, they look
at me like Im the crazy one!
Sorry Im trying to help out
those girls from sufering! I
just think this is more proof
that women cant be trusted to
make decisions, and I still cant
believe that we almost had a
woman running for president.
At least Sarah Palin was hot,
and she was only running to
be McCains VPas long as a
hot woman is subordinate to a
white man, thats fne by me.
But I still dont understand all
this talk of womens sufrage.
Another thing I want to
tackle here are UFOs. Weve got
our government talking about
sending missions to places Ive
never even heard of (what the
heck is Pakistan?), but were
not sending enough missions
to the moon and outer space,
and some people still dont be-
lieve in aliens! Te other day
I was out hunting deer with
my buddies and I saw a UFO
in the sky. Tere were a bunch
of shiny lights going around in
circles, and for the 100th time,
no, I was not drinking or do-
ing any drugs that night.
Im telling you that there
are UFOs out there and our
government wants to spend
money on anything but this
stuf! We need to go back to
the days of Reagan and the
Star Wars initiative (that was
the other time I showed up to
U.S. History sober). Te real
enemies of the United States
could be out there. If we know
there are these unknown, super
high-tech beings in space, then
why arent we doing something
to protect ourselves?
Ten theres the whole thing
about U[sic]GA becoming the
only public school this year to
have two Rhodes scholars. I
dont understand this either.
Tey both have last names I
cant pronounceare they
even from Georgia? If theyre
not real Southerners, then why
are there here? And if they are
real Southerners, why would
they ever want to leave Geor-
gia to go to England?
People keep trying to ex-
plain to me how this whole
thing works, but it makes no
sense to me. If youre a real
Bulldog, then I know you
were born and raised in the
South and have a last name I
can pronounce. But if most of
us here cant pronounce your
name, you should probably go
to a place where they can. Oh,
waitis that why theyre leav-
ing and going to England?
Either way, its time to go
back to real common sense,
people. Stop the nonsense.
Rich R. Neck
Twelth-year Business
Middle.
Photos by Lens Measurebating
Matthew Staford
Tird-year Football Science
I dont have to attend my
classes!
Albert Cohaulic
Second-year Basket Weaving
Does mixology count?
G. P. Esser
Sixth-year Geography
Advanced map coloring.
Crazy media feeds you lies, I clear it up
At least Sarah Palin was
hot...as long as a hot woman
is subordinat e t o a whit e
man, thats fne by me.
Moe Ronn
UFO Enthusiast
FUZZ
Around the Campus
Whats your favorite class
at U[sic]GA?
WHAT YALL WROTE letters to tHe CHieF
Stop stealin my pigs
YOULL SOON
BE RAMBLIN
ON...
FALL 2008 COMMENCEMENT
PhD and Masters Ceremony
DATE: Friday, December 12, 2008
TIME: 7:00 PM - 9:00 PM
LOCATION: Alexander Memorial Coliseum
________________________________
Undergraduate Ceremony for the Colleges
of Architecture, Computing, Management,
Sciences, and the Ivan Allen College of
Liberal Arts
DATE: Saturday, December 13, 2008
TIME: 9:00 AM - 11:00 AM
LOCATION: Alexander Memorial Coliseum
________________________________________________________
Undergraduate Ceremony for the
College of Engineering
DATE: Saturday, December 13, 2008
TIME: 2:00 PM - 4:00 PM
LOCATION: Alexander Memorial Coliseum
RSVP by December 5:
www.gatech.edu/commencement
DONT
FORGET!!
Graduates
must RSVP to
attend Fall 2008
Commencement.
Lot s of seniors come in and
ask me how in t he world t hey ll
be able t o get a j ob wit h a
degree from here.
Izzy Majors
U[sic]GA Career Advisor
As the career advisor for
U[sic]GA, lots of seniors come
in and ask me how in the
world theyll be able to get a
job with a degree from here.
But in my experience there are
some careers that are a great
ft for our graduates. Below is
my personal list of best careers
for U[sic]GA graduates.
1. Gator wrestler
I know all you kids grew up
hating gators, so the passion
is already there. You also have
experience handling animals,
and if youre already drunk, it
wont hurt as bad when they
bite. Te only downside to this
job is that you might have to
move down to Florida, which
I know would be a big step
for someone who has never
left the state.
2. Horse whisperer
Its not only when youre
drunk that you think animals
are talking to you, so why not
develop that skill further?
Only a select number of
schools can boast of having
a National Horse Whisper-
ing Organization chapter on
campus, so take advantage
of U[sic]GAs resources and
your unique skills on your
job hunt.
3. Farm hand
If you cant get another job,
you can just go back to work-
ing at your parents farm or if
you want to venture out and
seek new experiences, you can
try fnding a job at a diferent
farm. You already think cows
are your best friends (isnt that
why you have Pro-chicken
advocate on your resume?).
Youll be a shoo-in.
4. Chicken singer
If youd rather dress up as
an animal than tend to one,
you can become a chicken-
gram singer. All you have to
do is dress up in a chicken
costume, take a few shots of
your favorite liquor and go out
there and sing songs wishing
people happy birthday or in-
viting them to square-dancing
parties. As a plus, I hear from
past placements that girls dig
the costumes.
5. Football tutor
I also encourage all good-
looking graduating ladies out
there to consider applying
to be a tutor for the football
team. If youve considered
applying to Hooters, then
please consider applying for
this job. Its pretty much the
same thing, but with better
pay.
Top fve careers for new grads
WHAT YALL WROTE letters to tHe editor
Spousal abuse
SOMEBODY ELSE SAID IT Guest Column
Las year, I met my true luv, my half-sister
Amelia Hornay at the family reunion. It
was luv at frs sight an we got hitched over
ten beers an one cow. But now my Ame-
lia aint so Hornay any more, cuz she bin
wantin to get a job and askin me to help
out wid de chores, when ever woman in
my family knows her place is in de kitchen
an de bedroom an de mans de one whos
supposed to be out tippin cows for de big
bucks. She gots dis idea she wanna be a
career woman watchin dat dang Clinton
lady on de TV, an she even started wear-
ing pants! I says dis is grounds for legal
actionI never seen a case of domestick
abuse so bad since O.J. Simpson did his
wife in. I come home an she aint got no
pig intestines on de table; shes starvin me,
alright. An she bin holdin out on de lovin
for 26 hours already! If yall dont rescue
me, I likes to be dead soon.
Bubba Ben Mistreated

Drunk life
Organization Spotlight: ALA
The Animal Lovers Anonymous group helps
students combat their addiction to romantic
human-animal relationships.
Contact: www.thwuga.net
THWUGA
9
Tuesday,
November 25, 2008
Sororities turn in identical dances at Greek Grind
By Shi Ton Mi
DDR prodigy
Gorgeous blondes jiggling
and barking along to our
schools beloved anthem song
of Who Let the Dogs Out?
is not usually a problem on a
typical Friday night, but this
was no typical night. Last
week, Greek sororities across
campus banded together to put
on Greek Grind, a dance-of
event intended to raise money
for the DGWCMR (Dumb
Girls Who Cant Marry Rich)
Foundation.
Its a real important cause,
and we feel real strongly about
it, said Bambi Hoe, the presi-
dent of U[sic]GAs Panhellenic
Council. A lot of our girls
are having real trouble land-
ing a millionaire hubby when
they graduate. Its unbeliev-
able: guys these days actually
want a girl they can talk to.
So anyway, we need to support
our girls how else are they
gonna buy fake Goochie bags
to keep up appearances?
Besides its philanthropic
cause, Greek Grind has gained
notoriety as being the most
competitive and entertaining
event of the year. Last years
winners Upsilon Gamma
Alpha, a.k.a. the Hooters
Club, won with a roof-raising
pole dance that earned them
a drinking ovation as well as
the cover of Playboy magazine.
Consequently, expectations for
this years performances were
high.
Te night started out well
enough, with Alpha Alpha
Alpha leading with a barking,
yipping and growling rendi-
tion of Who Let the Dogs
Out?
While no one commented
on the fact that all the girls in
the routine looked exactly the
sameit is, after all, to be ex-
pected in a town like Athens
where everyone is related to
each other judges and audi-
ence members began to feel
uncomfortable as the next 22
sororities turned out identical
performances with identical-
looking girls.
I thought maybe it was
me, because sometimes I see
double after Ive had a few, but
I dont remember ever being
hammered enough to see 22.
Ten again, my classes have
gotten harder, said ninth-year
Beer Merchandising major Kip
Lastered.
Te night ended in confu-
sion as judges were unable to
decide on a winner.
Im all for Zeta Beta Zeta.
I promised to sleep with one of
the girls if I voted for her
or wait, was that the other way
around? said Stu Pid, judge
and defensive back on the
football team.
Tey were just all so good
theyre all winners, gushed
celebrity judge Amber Slutsky
of We Know What You
Flashed Last Summer fame.
I only wish they were a little
less tame. We didnt see nearly
enough stripping in the last
part. What if they lose their
sponsorship from Jim Dawgz
strip club?
Te outcome of the Greek
Grind remains uncertain.
I dont know what we did
wrong, a tearful Hoe said
later.
We always encourage our
girls to be alike. Some have
even gotten plastic surgery to
meet our high standards for
sameness. We only want to
promote equality for women,
you know. How can they do
this to Greek Grind? How can
they discriminate against us
for supporting equality?
Students go green celebrating St. Pattys
Photo by Phil Uranus/ Student Publications
In an odd coincidence, participants in Greek Grind displayed identical rou-
tines and costumes. The judges blame an overall lack of original thought.
By Ivanna Vacuum
Married to a pony
U[sic]GA students have
redoubled their eforts to go
green by committing to cel-
ebrate St. Patricks Day every
week until the global warming
crisis is resolved. Administra-
tors say second year Astronomy
major, Sean Fitzgerald, devel-
oped the idea after misreading
a calendar and thinking that it
was March 17 in early Octo-
ber.
At frst I looked at the date
and read 3/10/08. I fgured St.
Patricks day was only seven
days away. But when I went
down to the Piggly Wiggly I
saw all the Halloween decora-
tions. I think I have dyslexia,
a distraught Fitzgerald said.
Te St. Patricks celebra-
tions occur every Tursday,
but the preparation starts the
night before.
Fitzgerald adds a chemical
to U[sic]GAs Lake Herrick
which changes the color of the
lake to green and turns some
of the fsh neon purple.
Were going green and
helping with biodiversity,
Fitzgerald said.
On Tursdays, the party
kicks of with a parade down
College Station Rd. Typically,
32 rows of green SUVs lead
the parade, with ladies dressed
in Sexy Leprechaun costumes
in each car tossing out green
beads and yelling, Yay, were
carpooling! Go green!
Te students watching the
parade respond in their ritu-
alistic, nature-loving way by
barking like mad dogs.
Fitzgerald and friends fol-
low behind on foats tossing
out green pom-poms, green
hats and green kazoos, all of
which were made in China.
Fitzgerald bought these
made in China items at a lo-
cal Wal-Mart and said, Look,
were buying local and sup-
porting the economy by going
green. How could we possibly
set a better example?
U[sic]GA students down
approximately 6,000 gallons of
Guinness, Harp, Smithwicks
and Killians each week during
these celebrations.
U[sic]GAs environmental
Photo by Maya Sole/ Student Publications
In an efort to go green, students dressed in St. Patricks Day costumes to participate in the festivities that will continue
until global warming ends. Participants consumed more than 6,000 gallons of Irish beer to conserve valuable water.
By Trampy McTrump
Redneck Society Editor
Te Real Housewives of Athens will
premiere on Bravo next week. Since the
MRS degree has been consistently ranked
as the most popular degree ofered by
U[sic]GA for the past decade, its no sur-
prise that the cast of wives consists entire-
ly of U[sic]GA alumni. But dont expect
the glitz and glamour of Orange County
or Atlanta.
Although their husbands have made
fortunes in industries such as deer-urine
bottling, their standard of luxury is a bit
skewed. One Athens wife spent half a
million on NASCAR dcor for her home,
and thousands on a camoufage-dyed fur
coat. Teyll also pay top dollar for any-
thing with the confederate fag on it, said
the shows producer.
One such wife is Bobby Ray-Anne,
MRS 05. Te story of how she and her
loaded husband met is a harrowing ac-
count of true love.
I was doing the walk of shame across
his fraternitys front lawn, hung over as
all get-out after spending the night with
one of his brothers. All of a sudden, I felt
something plumb smack me across the
side of my face. Billy had accidently hit
me with a frisbee. He hasnt been able to
keep his hands of a me ever since. Hes
impregnated me ten times, as a far as I
can recollect, Bobbie Ray says with a
gap-toothed grin plastered on her face.
Bobbie Ray-Anne and her co-stars
know they could not have fulflled their
life goals without the help of the folks
over at the College of Domestication. Te
feeling is mutual.
We are proud to be the number one
coordinator, Franklin Jones,
was partaking in the festivities
and said, Tats 6,000 gallons
of water were saving in a time
of drought.
In an efort to conserve even
more water, U[sic]GA students
painted their bodies green to
celebrate the natural beauty of
nature and refused to shower
during the festivities.
Students have also begun
using their favorite alternative
to water for their lawns.
On the walk home at the
end of one night of celebra-
tion, Jones vomited on an en-
dangered red-cockaded wood-
pecker and said, I sure hope
the environment appreciates
all the hard work weve been
doing.
See Real, page 10
Alumnae star
in Bravo series
10 November 25, 2008 THWUGA DRUNK LIFE
Save a tree! Read us online!
nique.net
contributor of the most gold-dig-
ging, shallow-minded women on
television. Its a real honor if even
one of our graduates can achieve
the ultimate success, living of of
some high falutin man and using
her uterus as a baby-making fac-
tory, said Sho Vinist, Dean of the
College of Domestication.
Te College of Domestication
is so proud, in fact, that they will
Real from page 9
ofer a class in the spring to train
their students for future seasons
of Te Real Housewives of Ath-
ens.
Te female students will learn
valuable skills such as time man-
agement (how to balance tanning
salon visits, hair and nail appoint-
ments and watching TV), rela-
tionship damage control (how to
keep him happy in the bedroom)
and cosmetology (what to do
when your makeup artist is out of
town).
As an incentive, the student
with the highest grade in the
course will receive a scholarship
for breast implant surgery, cour-
tesy of the U[sic]GA Alumni As-
sociation. We feel this will im-
prove the young womans chances
of securing a rich husband, since
they do not have much to ofer,
intellectually speaking, said Sum
Dum Ho, director of the MRS
program.
Photos by Hugh Jass/ Student Publications
Last year, thousands of U[sic]GA alumnae from the MRS degree program auditioned for the Real Housewives of Athens which will premiere on Bravo next week.
THWUGA November 25, 2008 11 DRUNK LIFE
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Protesters plan to end sufrage
By Emma Roids
Closeted Sailor Moonie
Te U[sic]GA legal department
announced yesterday, in a surpris-
ing move, that the school plans to
take action against womens suf-
frage.
Why should we have to sufer?
Everyone knows women have had
years of sufrage and we need to
take that away, said Law School
Dean Ira Leasegas.
Dean Leasegas and her staf as-
sembled to put together a plan of
action for attacking the problem
at hand.
Te plan, which was leaked
to the public to generate interest
and support, involves a speech to
Congress begging them to repeal
the amendment that has caused
sufrage for women for the last 88
years.
It starts at the very top our
countrys government. If we can
get the Congress to listen to us,
we might just have a real fghting
chance, Leasegas said.
Next, the students of the law
school plan to campaign at dif-
ferent universities to help get their
support.
We really need other students
to get involved in our campaign to
stop womens sufrage. Tis is a se-
rious problem and needs to be ad-
dressed. In this campaign, we aim
to do just that, said a statement
by the law school.
Te students then plan to take
their campaign back to their home
campus in Athens where they will
appeal to the student body as well
as their fans at Stanford Stadium
on gameday.
I cant wait to hear what they
have to say! Te students have been
looking forward to this speech for
a long time and girls especially.
My girlfriend has been suf-
fraging for 20 years and Ive al-
Photo by Hugh Jerection/ Student Publications
Picketers gather at the learning center walkway to protest wom-
ens sufrage. A petition is currently circulating to end sufrage.
ways been against it, said Joe
Kerr, a third year womens kitchen
studies major.
We already have the support
of one infuential woman, Miss
Teen South Carolina Caitlin Up-
ton, Kerr said.
A protest has already been
scheduled for the frst day of f-
nals.
We feel like this issue is vastly
more important than our fnals,
Leasegas said. We are prepared
to personally see to it that every
womans sufrage ends. One of our
main goals is to inform women on
the dangers of sufrage.
Te law school and Dean
Leasegas hope that their plan of
action will at least be good enough
to end sufrage in Georgia. If we
can stop sufrage in our home
state frst, it could spread to other
parts of the country and we could
win the fght, Leasegas said.
Currently, a petition to end
womens sufrage is circulat-
ing across campus. Hundreds of
women have already signed it.
I was so happy to be part of
the initiative to end womens suf-
frage, said Anee Tapoosi, dean of
womens studies and the frst to
sign the petition.
Try these brainless
majors for a quick fx
By Peachy Schnapps
Professional busy body
Figuring out how to register
for a class is hard enough. Because
picking a major requires people
to register for a bunch of classes
in a certain order, many U[sig]
GA students have given up com-
pletely on pursuing a major. Te
main problem is that students do
not know what the names of the
majors mean, since all of them
contain well over three letters.
Tats why weve decided to start
this column: to help demystify
this whole major thing.
Agricultural Communication
Tis major will teach you how
to talk to your plants. It has long
been proven that talking to plants
makes them grow better. Tis will
teach you to speak Cornish, Peav-
ish, and several other languages.
Become one with your lakes and
rivers. Te most famous alumna of
this program is Mother Nature.
Consumer Foods
Tis major will teach you how
to consume foods. It will teach
the proper technique for forking
your food into your mouth, the
correct way to lick your fngers
after a plate of hot barbeque, and
how to eat more food quickly. Te
most famed alumni from this ma-
jor are the Tree Little Pigs and
that skinny Asian man who is
frequently seen beating alums of
other universities in the pie eating
contests.
Magazines
For those women who have
never grown out of their junior
high drama queen phase, this
is the major for you. Classes are
spent dissecting the magazines
of our culture. Focuses are avail-
able in Tabloid Studies, Hair and
Fashion Trends, Wedding Dresses
and Teen Fan Mags. Well known
graduates of this program are
Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen.
Recreation and Leisure Studies
Tis major will teach you how
to have fun. Core courses include
napping, recess, dining out, vaca-
tioning and relaxation. Specializa-
tions ofered are Fraternity and So-
rority Socials, Recreational Drug
Use, Drinking Games, Facebook,
Skipping Work, Sexual Activity
and College Football Watching.
Famous graduates of this program
are Paris Hilton, who says the de-
gree is, hot, and Bart Simpson.
Turfgrass Management
Tis major will teach you all
about grass. You will learn how
to plant it, how to smoke it, the
proper height that grass should
be, how to cut it to exactly that
height, how to talk to the grass
and how to prepare your grass to
get stomped on and painted. Te
most well known alumni of this
program are Ivan Tuchucud and
Clove Enhuf.
Womens Studies for Men
Students in this department
will learn how to spot fake boobs,
how to get a woman drunk, spot-
ting the MRS candidates, and
proper 1-10 and hot-or-not rank-
ing. Famous graduates include
Former President Clinton, who
learned to spot the frisky intern
and Tom Cruise, who learned
the proper way to pick up women
young enough to be his daughter.
Undecided?
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THWUGA November 25, 2008 13 DRUNK LIFE
techniq e
all were missing is
u
!
pizza meetings on tuesdays
7 p.m., fag building, room137
Car service forced to close due to lack of sobriety on campus
Pat McGroin
Gimme beer
DrunkDawgs, the car service
that drives intoxicated students
home was forced to close in its
frst week due to a lack of sober
students on campus.
An unofcial survey revealed
that 86 percent of U[sic]GA stu-
dents regularly attend class while
inebriated well over the legal lim-
it.
Te remaining 14 percent take
classes online and are probably in-
toxicated as well, but could not be
present for a breathalyzer test.
We simply do not have the
infrastructure at this time to meet
the needs of the wasted under-
graduates on this campus.
Te sheer number of schwasty-
faced students on this campus is
incredible, said Al Cohol, former
director of DrunkDawgs.
Te program originally planned
to employ students as part-time
drivers to help with the demand,
but found that none of the appli-
cants were sober.
Every last one of the student
applicants came to their inter-
view blitzed out of their mind.
We couldnt even give them the
written portion of the road test
because not a single one was co-
herent enough to write their own
name, said a former Drunk-
Dawgs employee, who wished to
remain anonymous.
Negative reactions from the
student body have been over-
whelming.
Gah dang, man. You mean
they aint gonna shuttle us around
no more? said Wyatt Suprame-
syst, a seventh year Agriculture
major.
Students have incited protest
riots across campus. Why such
outrage over the closing of Drunk-
Dawgs? Protesters have cited their
extreme laziness and hatred for
walking to and from classes, es-
pecially when three sheets to the
wind.
Te incidence of drunken
driving accidents on campus has
skyrocketed as sauced students at-
tempt to get behind the wheel.
Anita Drink, a sixth year
Brewing and Fermentation major,
totaled her mud-covered pickup
truck last week after crashing it
into the local Huddle House on
her way to class one morning.
Drink insists it never would
have happened had DrunkDawgs
been around. She plans to sue for
personal and property damage.
Tis goes against everything
that U[sic]GA stands for. Its
our god-given right as U[sic]GA
students to be hammered at all
times! declared Drink.
Our student fees go towards
this service; so we should be guar-
anteed a safe ride home. No matter
what time of the day we want to
start sippin on something good.
By Kraven Moorehead
No Talent Clown
A recent movement among
university presidents to support a
lowering of the minimum drink-
ing age, known as the Amethyst
Initiative, has confused univer-
sity administrators and students
all over campus who were never
aware that there was such a thing
as a minimum drinking age.
I didnt even know it was il-
legal to drink under 21! Ive been
drinking Budweiser from my
mothers beer-teats since birth!
said Dixie Recked, frst year
Drunk Studies major.
University president Michael
Adams was frst informed of a state
law mandating that the drinking
age when he was approached by
the Amethyst Initiative in a prop-
osition to lower the legal drinking
age from 21 to 18.
At his shock to the news, the
Board of Regents pressed for Ad-
ams to formally enforce alcohol
laws across campus, which he an-
Students express outrage at discovery of drinking age
nounced at a press conference last
Friday.
When ask to comment on the
new law enforcements, Ofce of
the President publicist Shirley
Downs-Easy responded with the
following statement: Te alcohol
enforcement of the last century
has been such a blur for the ad-
ministration. Blur. Tats a funny
word blur. What? What am I
talking about? Tis juice tastes
funny. Im so drunk right now
shhhh, dont tell. Hhhhhhhhhh-
hhhhhaioewghagaho.
Despite the press release, stu-
dents are still reconciling the news
of a drinking age. Since the an-
nouncement, U[sic]GA counsel-
ing has undergone a 151% increase
in student visits. Several students
have already dropped out, citing
irreconcilable problems in relation
to the recent drinking laws.
[Drinking at any age] is our
right. If I cant press my mouth
against a ten-foot tube with a gal-
lon of beer being poured down
it, then maybe I shouldnt attend
college at all, said Pat McGroin, a
seventh-year Distillation Sciences
major.
Immediately following the an-
nouncement, U[sic]GA students
protested by the thousands in
front of the Presidents ofce, out-
raged by what many saw as an at-
tack on their inherent rights. A few
students have taken a much more
militant approach to the drinking
age crisis. A ragtag group calling
themselves the Sons of Liquor
set up massive beer-can barricades
within several dorms. Te hostage
situation was subdued after the
Sons of Liquor drank themselves
into an intoxicated stupor.
However in a bold united move
by the student body, undergradu-
ate students have united together
to raise awareness of anti-alcohol
legislation with a 72-hour Drink
Til You Tink beer-a-thon.
Te revocation of our drink-
ing rights has plagued us too long.
Just think of all the little chil-
dren in Africa who live every day
without a bit of alcohol. To have
it happen so close, on your own
campus is a travesty! We want to
raise awareness that alcohol legis-
lation could happen to you! said
beer-a-thon organizer Annie Ebri-
ated, third-year MRS major.
Following the frst ten hours,
eforts to fundraise and raise
awareness collapsed when dona-
tion money was taken to go on
a beer run after the originally
stocked bar had run dry.
When asked to comment on
the status of the beer-a-thon at
the onset of the dry spell, Ebriated
ejaculated, WHOO WHOO
TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF
WHOO!
By Anita Leigh/ Student Publications
Maya Sole enjoys one last stein of beer before the U[sic]GA admin-
istration begins enforcing the recently discovered drinking age.
To Hell
with
Georgia!
Tis space provided as a public service by the Technique.
To Hell
with
Georgia!
Tis space provided as a public service by the Technique.
Funner Things!
Funner Things! Editor:
Joe King
Assistant Funner Things! Editor:
Miss Chanandler Bong
www.thwuga.net
THWUGA
17
Tuesday,
November 25, 2008
Miss Dawg 2008
Annual pageant showcases beauty, brains and talent of UGA students
By Amanda Hugankiss
Senior Beauty Expert
Last week, some of U[sic]GAs
brightest and most beautiful
women entered into the annual
Miss Dawg beauty pageant. Win-
ning this honor is a privilege and
exemplifes the fnest ladies on the
campus. Each contestant must
compete in the three rounds of the
competition, and the judges will
tally up their scores in order to
choose Miss Dawg. Tese rounds
include a formal wear portion, a
talent portion and a question and
answer portion.
During the frst round, there
were a variety of gorgeous gowns
worn by the contestants. Susie
Sugarplum, donning a squirrel-
skin knee-length gown with a pos-
sum overcoat wore one of the most
sophisticated dresses. Her smile
was so big; it was infectious to the
judges and audience. Maybe this
is the reason no one really noticed
her missing teeth. Others worth
mentioning included Dawn Sun-
shine in her handmade red and
black gown with a beer cap belt
equipped with a personal bottle
opener. Looks like she might have
put the gown on backwards, but it
was creative nonetheless!
Te second round of the compe-
tition, the talent portion, showed
the skill and diversity of talents
held by the cream of the crop
at U[sic]GA. Nadia Blackheart
wowed the judges with her grace-
ful and ladylike keg stand that she
was able to hold for a shocking 2
minutes. Te other contestants
were nice enough to carry the poor
girl ofstage. Another difcult tal-
ent shown was square dancing by
Yolanda Budweiser. Boy that girl
could yee-haw!
Te last part of the competi-
tion, the question and answer
portion, yielded some thought-
provoking answers. When the
judges asked Susie where she saw
herself in 4 years, she dutifully re-
sponded, In a mirror.
When asked what she planned
to do with her fnancial degree
once she graduated, Dawn re-
plied, I will use everything I have
Te Wiggles disappoint with complicated moves
learned to be able to add up my
husbands paychecks.
After seeing the beautiful,
the talented and the brightest of
U[sic]GA, the judges had a hard
time picking a winner, and they
knew from experience how the
losers would pout and cry and
have a tantrum.
Te judges fnally came to the
conclusion that they didnt want
anyone to feel left out, so everyone
won the title of Miss Dawg 2008.
I cant wait to see the contestants
for next year!
By Noah Fence
Senior Music Expert
Athens, well-known for its
popular music scene, was host to
the exciting musical talent of the
Wiggles this past Wednesday.
Unfortunately, even though the
Wiggles have quite a following
and are typically known for their
ability to enthrall young crowds,
UGA students were unreceptive
to the performance.
Originally from Australia, Te
Wiggles have been enthralling
youngsters since 1991 with songs
about colors, shapes, counting and
manners. With such an expansive
and informative repertoire, the
concert they performed in Athens
was sure to be a success.
Once onstage, the Wiggles
came fying out of the gates with
their undeniable classic Get
Ready to Wiggle. Surprisingly,
the audience was not yet won over,
so the Wiggles continued their set
with more foot-stomping, fst-
pumping jams including Would
You Giggle, Wiggly Trail,
Wiggly Wiggly Christmas and
Zing Zang Wing Wang Wong.
Despite their best eforts, the
Wiggles were unable to capture
admiration from the audience. In-
stead, a wave of confusion washed
over the crowd, and perplexing
looks on everyones face soon fol-
lowed. Tough the Wiggles had
attempted to keep their material
from appearing and sounding too
elitist, they were unsuccessful. It
soon became apparent that the
dance moves were too complex
and the lyrics were too sophisti-
cated for the audience to grasp.
I dunno how Is supposed to
move my hands like this while my
hips go like this, Bif McBuf, a
concerned seventh-year Speak and
Spell major, eloquently expressed.
Plus, then I gotta go an count to
10 while Is doin it! Its just unfair
to demand so much out of us.
Another student continued on
McBufs well-constructed argu-
ment, saying, Tey going to ask
us the color of every one of their
shirts? I have to take enough tests
already in all of my class.
Tough the U[sic]GA admin-
istration is disappointed by how
overwhelming the Wiggles per-
formance turned out to be, U[sic]
GA has not given up hope yet.
We have not given up hope
yet, said Dean of Fun Dick Dix-
on.
Photo by Luke Atmadik
A Miss Dawg 2008 contestant tries her hardest to show what big brains she has by answering an
especially tough question about why her favorite round shape happens to be a rectangle.
Photo by Flickr user heydrienne, licensed under Creative Commons Attribution 2.0
The Wiggles shake their stuf as U[sic]GA students try to keep up. Children were seen assisting stu-
dents with the dance moves and helping with the song lyrics that require counting beyond four.
Photo by Dick Swett
18 November 25, 2008 THWUGA FUNNER THINGS
U[sic]GA student
weighs in on new
fangled technology
By Jermain Mann
Senior Technology Expert
Stewart 15t Tipping
Trailer
Here at UGA, we understand
that sometimes you need more
practical options than a backhoe
or a tiller. For the upcoming holi-
day season, we wanted to provide
you with space for the whole fam-
ily in case your mother-in-law
brings the rest of your cousins. For
that reason, we chose to review the
Stewart 15t Tipping Trailer.
Te Stewart 15t Tipping Trailer
appears to be a strong option. Te
perfect companion for a combine,
it can carry over 30,000 pounds of
whatever you want.
Unfortunately, the 15t fell short
of many of our expectations. Based
on its low weight and the optional
high-speed package with ABS,
we thought this trailer would be
a great vehicle to take the entire
family out. We sure had a wake-
up call when the dealer showed up
with our brand new trailer.
Braking performance was also
a disappointmentwhen we got
into the trailer to test out its inte-
rior, we heard a scraping noise and
noticed through the front window
that we were moving. In the cab-
in, there was no brake lever to be
found, leaving us to careen help-
lessly until stopped with a splash
as we entered a lake.
Even when attached to a trac-
tor, we found the trailer some-
what disappointing. Our insur-
ance agent forced us to listen as
he read some safety information
about the trailer, and it turns out
the trailer is limited to 20 MPH,
no matter how much torque your
vehicle has.
Honestly, we found the inte-
rior of the 15t appalling and bare.
Te only window is at the front
of the trailer, placed in a location
better for watching the contents
from outside, than the road from
within.
Te entire interior of the trailer
is blue paint, making the trailer
uncomfortable in both hot and
cold weather. Since our tester had
an open top, the trailer is also
hopeless on days when Governor
Purdue prays for rain.
Te Stewart 15t simply did not
meet our expectations. Despite all
the right features on paper, this
New Holland T8040 Tractor
Just in time for the Christmas
shopping season, we reviewed the
New Holland T8040 tractor. Te
model we tested included a front-
end loader, enclosed cab, and
a high-tech automatic steering
thingy.
Our specimen had a 505-inch,
308 horsepower engine, giving it
some of the smallest horses weve
ever seen.
Not only does this engine pro-
duce one of the sweetest diesel
sounds to rumble into our ears, it
also has a 1,000 RPM power take-
of that can be used to power all of
your favorite attachments on your
own farm!
New Holland has several new-
fangled transmissions available for
its 8000 series. We tested the 19x4
powershift model, controlled by a
joystick and four brightly colored
knobs. New Holland says the trac-
tor has a top speed of 31 MPH,
but after bringing it home from
the dealer, it took us several hours
to get it over 1.6 this tractor is
so confusing!
Worse yet, New Holland has
installed an intelligent steering
option on the 8000-series. Tis
unholy gizmo gives the tractor the
power to steer itself through your
felds, saving fuel while attracting
government attention.
When we attempted to use this
stupid steering option to sweep
our parking lot, our tractor ran
over half the principals pickup
truck, then turned around, and
ran over the other half.
Tere were some high points to
the T8000. For example, it came
with a front-end loader, which was
useful for getting rid of the prin-
cipals truck.
Not only can it be used to get
rid of trafc when you go down-
town to buy beer, its also big
Derived from a photo by Flickr user miss karen, licensed under Creative Commons Attribution 2.0
Here, a similar tractor is shown. These fne pieces of equipment
come complete with tires, an engine and a steering wheel.
See Technology, page 21
techniq e
all were missing is
u
!
pizza meetings on tuesdays
7 p.m., fag building, room137
trailer proved not to be the people-
hauler we were looking for. We are
dumbfounded that anyone would
want a trailer with a 15-ton capac-
ity without such useful features as
seats or carpeting.
Te 15ts only beneft for haul-
ing your mother-in-law is that
she wont be in your tractor, but
we think a long-bed pickup truck
would give you more satisfaction
overall.
THWUGA November 25, 2008 19 FUNNER THINGS
Congratulations to the Newly Initiated Sisters of Zeta Tau Alpha!
By Anita Wang
Professional Busty Babe
Athens has always been known
for its huge festivals, extravagant
parties and bright students. Ex-
citing hoedowns, not-so-square
square dances and sloppy beer fes-
tivals are among the top contend-
ers in Athens entertainment.
It comes as quite the surprise
that the beer festivals are ranked
number one year after year on
Athens world renowned Fun-O-
Meter (where events are ranked on
a carefully thought-out, complex
scale of 0 to 10).
One of the most highly antici-
pated beer festivals has had U[sic]
GA students on their toes for days.
Sponsored by the beer that third-
year Goat Wrestling major Befe
McTik hails as tha beer wit even
more Drunkability than Budweis-
er, Nattys Quarterly Bi-Annual
Tri-Weekly Beer Festival (hosted
on U[sic]GAs own campus) has
more than just Uga drooling with
excitement.
Students have been patiently
waiting since the last Natty festi-
val that ended almost three days
ago.
Hard to belief that Natty is
aready back again. Seems like
just yestrday I was bobbin for
beer cans right before I passed out
in tha bucket. Cant wait to give
tha Drunk Tank a go, said Skan
KeeHo, a tenth-year Cheerleading
major.
Athens prides itself on U[sic]
GAs wholesome and diverse stu-
dent body, and the Natty festival
certainly exemplifes this.
We have students from all
parts of the country: north Geor-
gia, south Georgia, Alabama and
even Mississippi. Te diversity is
obvious when students gather at
enriching events like these; some
students prefer keg stands where
as others enjoy funneling. Our
students all have very bright fu-
tures ahead of them, says U[sic]
GA president Michael Adams.
As the clock ticks down and
the festival draws nearer, a hush
sweeps over U[sic]GAs campus.
Many are busy chugging beers
while others are unconscious. It
looks like Athens is on its way
to having what will surely not be
the last successful Quarterly Bi-
Annual Tri-Weekly Beer Festival
sponsored by a very classy beer.
Natty beer fest breast in years
By Fortha Luvagodd
Cycling Game Enthusiast
In a stunning combination of my two favorite things, television and
working out, Fisher-Prices Smart Cycle ($89.97, available at Babies R
Us and similar retailers) arrives to herald in the joyous season of giving
with extreme fun! I have been a loyal Fisher-Price fan since I bought the
Fun 2 Learn Laughtop before coming to college. Fellow Fisher-Price
fans will not be disappointed by the Smart Cycle, which lives up to the
brand name that is on the cutting edge of interactive learning technol-
ogy.
Te Smart Cycle consists of a stationary bike that connects to any
television. Although I have great things to say about the Smart Cycle,
be warnedsetup is very confusing and time-consuming! It seems like
it would be easy enough to plug a cord into the TV. However, the cord
that comes with the Smart Cycle has three diferent colored connectors
on the end: a white one, a red one and a yellow one. It took hours of trial
and error to match the colors with the holes in my TV and a lengthy
phone call with Fisher-Prices tech support team to fgure everything
out.
I can work my calves while playing game on the television. I never
thought it was possible to play with the people like Spongebob inside of
the television and less than never to think it could be done biking. Te
games that come with the Smart Cycle are a lot of fun, and even more
so when I think about how much I am learning and doing at the same
time. I enjoy the scenery of the ocean as I pedal quickly past Sponge-
bobs house in the television, but there is one game in particular that
makes the Smart Cycle a must-buy.
I cant quite remember what her name is because its all foreign-
sounding and all, but the best game is when I get to see this Hispanic
Lolita all over as she spells words to me! She makes learning fun, and
I love the little monkey with which she travels around. For the more
advanced players, if you set it on expert level she spells out words with
more than three letters, but I thought it was more fun to play on the
regular level.
What did disappoint me about this miraculous device from space
was the lack of multiplayer. However, I used the smarts I earned from
the Smart Cycle to realize that Jedd could jump on back and we can
play co-operative mode. Although slightly uncomfortable, we were able
to ignore the pain and fnish together. I cannot fnd a more attractive
exercise/game/fun entertainment gadget than the Smart Cycle for a hol-
iday gift. Well, for sure the Smart Cycle proves that Fisher-Price is the
pinnacle of videogame development.
Smart Cycle moves
Photo by Flickr user ulfklose, licensed under Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 license
A proud U[sic]GA student shows of her huge school spirit by sporting a beer cap at the Natty Fest.
20 November 25, 2008 THWUGA FUNNER THINGS
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Mind-boggling games for advanced thinkers
1
1 2
1
2
1
2
Fill in the grid so
that every row and
column contains the
digits 1 through 2.
2
Which would ft in a bread box?
A boat Bread
Word
Search

X X X X X
X D X X X
X X O X X

X X X G X

X X X X X
Word Jumble
Rearrange the letters to form real English words
Find Uga
A L C O H L O
B U L L O D G
R E D N C E K
T R U K C
SUDOKU
Find the hidden word
(XXX is not a word)
THWUGA November 25, 2008 21 FUNNER THINGS
Technology from page 18
Half Bits defends U[sic]GA
Considering Ive been a stu-
dent at UGA for a wonderful eight
years now (and still on track for
early graduation!), Ive come to
think of myself as somewhat of a
knowledgeable fellow on the hap-
penings and matters of UGA. Tat
being said, these Tech folk dont
seem to know what theyre talking
about when it comes to the activi-
ties and events that we UGA stu-
dents are involved in. Luckily, the
folks at the To Hell with Georgia
have given me the opportunity to
clear the name of UGA students
and our history.
First of all, there is a clear dif-
ference between being always
drunk and usually being drunk.
Just because we pass out around
Farm Scene
Hoedown
Showdown
For the next four Saturdays,
there will be a Hoedown at U[sic]
GAs student center. Students will
be admitted free for a $5 charge.
Grand prize is a date with the
lovely Miss Goat 2007.
Posum Shak
closing
After receiving a score of 2.5
out of 100 on their annual health
inspection, Papa Hicks has un-
fortunately decided to close the
restaurant until he can fgure out
a healthier way to serve roadkill.
Tere is no foreseeable reopening.
Chuck E.
Cheese opens
A new Chuck E. Cheese restau-
rant has opened in U[sic]GAs stu-
dent center food court. It comes
complete with Chucks robotic
musical group who have already
topped the campus music charts
with their catchy tunes.
10:30 p.m. from the consumption
of massive quantities of Natty
Light doesnt mean we arent so-
ber by 10:30 a.m. when we are still
passed out from drinking massive
quantities of Natty Light. Next
time, Tech students, please be
careful not to immediately label
us folk as drunks when the cor-
rect label may very well be hung-
over.
Secondly, our mating interests
do not lie solely in farm animals.
We students are young and not so
close-minded. To suggest that we
discriminate against animals that
live outside of fenced-in pastures
is ridiculous. Even though I prefer
grazing mammals, my best friend
enjoys the thrill of a dangerous
bear. We like to think of ourselves
as a progressive and accepting
community.
Tirdly, it has come to my at-
tention that Tech students seem to
think we are unintelligent. Well,
Techies will feel downright silly
when I inform them of how good
our average IQ score is around
here: 76! Tats almost a B! Im
sure you smart Techies have some-
thing closer to an 82 or whatever,
but were catching up!
So next time you see one of us
UGA folk groping a cow or eye-
ing a cute little puppy, dont be so
quick to judge. Maybe there is a
side of the story you dont know.
Ive hopefully cleared up some
issues that you folks seemed to be
confused on. Now, if youll excuse
me, Bessy and I have a date.
enough to ft your Aunt and your
mother-in-laweven if they arent
the same person.
With a comfort-based philoso-
phy, New Holland has created a
cab so good youll want to sit back
and drink beer, even when you
arent driving!
When you go into town to
grab more beer, the tractor has
convenient storage above and be-
hind you, and theres even enough
room for you to take your dog!
Te cab features many luxuri-
ous touches: Te drivers seat is
leather and is very adjustable with
controls on both armrests.
Te seat also has an automatic
air suspension, and while we dont
know what that means, it had
much simpler controls than the
other features we dont under-
stand.
T8000 also has a leather in-
structors seat and tinted back
window for when you want to
take your cousin to the drive-in.
After clearing the transmission
and steering issues up with the
dealer, the T8000 ofers a great
time.
We do caution you: if you are
considering owning this tractor,
realize that successfully shifting
through the 19 forward gears on
its automatic transmission is so
difcult, it can earn you three
hours of senior-level agricultural
credit.
Overall, we are impressed with
New Hollands machine. Whether
you are buying it to improve your
farm or impress your cousin, the
T8040 is the tractor for you.
22 November 25, 2008 THWUGA COMICS
non sequitur by Wiley Piled higher & deePer by Jorge Cham
THWUGA November 25, 2008 23 COMICS
dilBert by SCott adamS non sequitur by Wiley
ANAK
Established in 1908
e ANAK Society would like to congratulate and thank the
following members who are graduating in Fall 2008
Tony Argote, Jr.
Christine Blair Dreas
Mateo Garcia
and in loving memory of faculty member
Dr. William E. Sayle II
Founded in 1908, e ANAK Society recognizes Junior and
Senior students for their outstanding leadership ability,
personal achievement, strong character, and true love for
Georgia Tech. Membership is considered by many to be the
highest honor a Tech student can receive.
THWUGA November 25, 2008 25 PHYS. ED. 101
By Ben Dover
Crack Addict
Te U[sic]GA mens basketball
team fell victim to a costly prank
last week and learned an impor-
tant lesson in the process: Te
U.S. Supreme Court is not a bas-
ketball court.
Georgia mens basketball head
coach Dennis Felton said that
Georgia Tech Head Coach Paul
Hewitt called him in late Septem-
ber and asked if the Dawgs wanted
to play an exhibition game against
Tech at the Supreme Court in
Washington, D.C.
Felton had to stall for time as
he tried to fgure out what the
Supreme Court was. I knew I
had heard of it somewhere, but
I couldnt fgure out where, he
said.
To fnd out, Felton checked
with two of his most trusted
sources. Te frst, Uga VII, sim-
ply tried to bite him. However, the
other source, ffth-year Cash Reg-
ister Operations major and start-
ing point guard Tinker Bell, said
he had a nagging feeling it had
something to do with the feld of
law.
Felton went to ask Forrest
Farmer, a former U[sic]GA law
professor and one of the schools
famous Four Drunk Horsemen
of the Law Department before
the department was eliminated
to make room for the School of
Airport Security. Farmer, who
had taught a Famous Court Cases
class, told him that the Supreme
Court was the site of the Final
Four every year.
I thought all basketball coach-
es knew that. I mean, aint every-
one heard of Roe vs. Wade, the 73
championship game? Dont every-
body remember that last-minute
turnover that ended it? Or wait
was it an overturn? Dag gummit,
I cant remember, said a frustrat-
ed Farmer, who then downed an
entire bottle of Jack Daniels and
passed out.
After talking to Farmer, Felton
agreed to schedule the exhibition
game and booked plane tickets to
Washington for the entire team.
On the day of the supposed game,
the team was energized and ready
to play, and the players burst into
the Supreme Court loudly and
energetically; however, instead of
running onto a basketball court,
they found themselves in a court-
room, in the middle of a murder
trial. In the chaos and confusion
that followed, Bell asked Chief
Justice John Roberts where the
basketball court was.
He said, and I quote, Tis is
the Supreme Court, right? Were
here to play some basketball. So
wheres the court? And where are
them Tech wimps? I didnt even
know how to respond. I thought
he was joking, but then it became
clear he was completely seriousI
think he thought I was a referee,
Roberts said.
Moments later, it dawned on
Felton and the U[sic]GA players
that Hewitt had tricked them.
Several of the players cursed in
frustration; these players, along
with Felton, were subsequently ar-
rested and charged with disturb-
ing the peace, and the remaining
players have been detained for
questioning. Te team will prob-
ably have to forfeit all of its No-
vember games.
Hewitt declined to comment
when called about the story,
though the Tech coach was heard
laughing uncontrollably in the
background.
Photo by Jack Dick/ Student Publications
Basketball coach Dennis Felton expresses confusion as he visits the Supreme Court in Washington,
D.C. I dont see a basketball court anywhere, he shouted. What kind of travesty is this?
Felton falls victim to high court prank
spurts
shorts
Dooley, Adams
set to meet in
cage match
U[sic]GAs President, Mike
Adams, and former Athletic
Director Vince Dooley have
agreed to battle one another in
a cage match during halftime of
Saturdays game between U[sic]
GA and Georgia Tech. Te frst
man to exit the cage will be
declared the winner. Dooley is
favored 3-1 by the bookies.
Football team ad-
mits secret weap-
on: breast milk
Believed to be a great aid for
endurance, and in a desire to get
closer to womens bosoms, many
members of the football team
admitted this week to drinking
breast milk.
AA suspected in
cow sex trade
Te Athletic Association is
being investigated in conection
with a cow sex trade out of Japan.
Te trade was uncovered last
week when a ship full of cows
from the region of Kobe, Japan.
Investigators believe that the AA
was using the sex-trade bovine
victims to entice recruits to come
to U[sic]GA.
26 November 25, 2008 THWUGA PHYS. ED. 101
By Kreeper McKreepster
On-Site Reporter
Due to the economic recession, several UGA graduates are having a hard time
fnding jobs after graduation. Tose that were once part of Georgias gymnastics
team Te Gym Dogs have found an interesting solution to the problem. Jim
Dawgz, the strip club just outside of Athens, showed interest in the hiring of these
young girls.
Te UGA graduates were delighted to take on the profession as dancers at the
club. One graduate said, After winning the NCAA championship four years in a
row, I was sad to face reality and know I couldnt do anything like this for a living
anymore. But when Jim Dawgz asked me to work as a dancer for the club, I knew
that my years at Georgia werent a waste in getting ready for my future.
When the girls arrived at the club, they saw several familiar items there: a run-
way, a vault, a pole and a balance beam. Tis looks just like our gym, said an
excited former U[sic]GA gymnast.
Hopefully these girls wont have too much trouble in adapting their skills on the
balance beam and uneven bars to the performance on a metal pole.
Knowshon comes
clean about name
By Senor Arcasha
Almost out of here
Te UGA running back known
as Knowshon Moreno issued a
shocking statement yesterday, ad-
mitting that he has been using the
wrong name for the past fourteen
years. Moreno himself seemed
somewhat surprised by the news,
though.
My real name is Sean, S-E-
A-N. Tat is the name that ap-
pears on my birth certifcate,
said Moreno, avoiding eye contact
with reporters and cameras.
A brief investigation has re-
vealed the source of the confusion.
As a child, Moreno was a frst-class
troublemaker, constantly using his
running and jumping talents to
cause problems at home and in the
community. Wed always be tell-
ing him, No, Sean. No, Sean, no.
No, Sean, stop that. And I guess
we said it so often that he thought
it was his name, said Morenos fa-
ther, Freddie.
Freddie said his sons most in-
famous exploit was his attempt
to recreate the famous ending of
Te Sandlot. Te former Know-
shon tossed a ball over a fence into
his neighbors yard, hurdled the
fence, retrieved the ball, dodged
his neighbors pit bull, and es-
caped by hurdling back into his
own yard.
Te time Moreno spent plan-
ning adventures such as these
came at a cost, however; it turns
out that Moreno never learned to
properly read or write as a child.
He recently requested an of-
fcial name change from the state
of Georgia, but was denied. An
ofcial in the state Social Security
ofce said that Moreno made a
number of errors on the applica-
tion, including writing GEOR-
GA BULLDAWGZ in the area
for his signature.
Te idea of learning to call
the former Knowshon by his real
name has not been a popular one
in Athens. Some UGA fans are
distressed at the fact that they can
no longer use the oh-so-popular
phrase If you dont Knowshon,
you dont know crap, now that
it has become clear that Moreno
doesnt know anything himself.
Photo by Jack Dick/ Student Publications
Sean Knowshon Moreno, when in trouble against Alabama, at-
tempts to appease his mom by eating Campbells Chunky Soup.
sliver
oh crap I got a stripper pregnant
at least she can pay for 20K college tuition with 20 nights work
Bones!
willy dont piss on my door!
For the frst time this semester Im actually ahead of the game. Put
that in your pipe and smoke it Tech.
I did an eifel tower to the person above me with the person below
me.
New friends are sliver but old friends are golden
it my date wants me to take it of, ill take it of!
so... anyone wanna cuddle with me?
I want pie. Poontang pie.
Stacy K, I want to have your babies.
I miss my Alabama blonde... sooo hot, want to touch the hiny.
Willy has a vagina.
After 4 years, Im still scared of fnals.
urbandictionary: amish plow
I could go for an oral examination ;)
I think we actually have a chance at beating UGA this year.
Ten again... we couldnt do it with Calvin
Our cheerleaders are smokin this year... ow ow
Te only reason Im here is b/c of class on wednesday, which I know
is going to get cancelled.... argh...
I love Georgia Tech...despite the terrifying academics, the school as
a whole just makes me so happy...
TEXAS TECH WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME
;-(
My TI-89 is my third hand
Tere is nothing to do now but MasteringPhysics
BALL LOVE
Why are there tests on MONDAY THAT IS NOT FAIR
I am going to ptfo soon
ONS NO MORE
Te fnal sliver: To all you people who requested that you get your
sliver in the paper ... sorry. I deleted every one. Have a good break
and good luck next semester. Love - Pikachu
Gym Dawgs fght
recession by stripping
at Jim Dawgz
THWUGA November 25, 2008 27 PHYS. ED. 101
Beyond Kindergarden (But not By much)
U[sic]GA Engineering new fast track for Athletes
AGRE 3001- IRRIGATION, HUMAN URINATION (1/2 HOUR)
AGRE 3251- AMISH PLOW (1/4 HOUR)
AGRE 3701- BOVINE MANURE (1/2 HOUR)
AGRE 3702- HUMAN MANURE (1/2 HOUR)
AGRE 4131- COW REPRODUCTION LAB (3-5 MINUTES)
AGRE 4221- AGR. FAMILY DEVELOPMENT (1 HOUR, BRING SIBLING)
AGRE 4222- AGRE 4221 LAB (2 HOURS, BRING SIBLING)
AGRE 4701- UDDER MAINTENANCE (2 HOURS)
AGRE 4702- PLANTIN SEEDS: ANIMAL LUVIN (3 HOUR)
AGRICULTRUAL ENGINEERING REQUIREMENTS
BIOE 3001- INTRO. PET CARE I (1/2 HOUR)
BIOE 3002- INTRO. PET CARE II (1/2 HOUR)
BIOE 3451- STUPIDITY- THE ATHENS EPIDEMIC (1/2 HOUR)
BIOE 3620- FILM STUDY: THE LAND BEFORE TIME (2 HOUR)
BIOE 4001- ANIMAL REPRODUCTION LAB (3-5 MINUTES)
BIOE 4351- THE MYTH OF EVOLUTION (1 HOUR)
BIOE 4222- STD TRANSPORT (2 HOURS)
BIOE 4701- SEMINAR: GENETIC DIVERSITY OVERRATED (2 HOURS)
BIOE 4851- BIO-LUBES STUDY AND DESIGN (3 HOUR)
BIOLOGICAL ENGINEERING REQUIREMENTS
By Lovesta Kneel
Oral Reporter
Te latest hot pairing on cam-
pus is football players and cows
but dont worry, ladies, star run-
ning back Knowshon Moreno
and quarterback Matt Staford are
only learning how to feel them up.
Its all part of the curriculum for
U[sic]GAs new agricultural and
biological engineering program
(cow massage, which involves the
study of rubbing the animal up
and down to stimulate mating be-
havior, is an introductory course).
Te program has attracted a
large number of football players,
who were drawn by the idea of
mooing for their grades and earn-
ing an engineering degree. Who
says we aint smart? Now we can
be engineers too, Moreno said.
Show those cows what real men
are made of.
While the new majors will also
include up-close-and-personal en-
counters with sheep and horses,
cows will serve as a major focal
point of study. Cow tipping and
milking will be taught as a matter
of course, but the program has be-
come famous for more exotic sub-
ject matter, like manure smelling
and cow patty taste testing. Im
real excited about the cow patty
taste testing class, Staford said.
Tey say we hafta be able to eat
a patty and tell what kinda cow
dropped it. Ten we gotta make
it ourselves. Tats the crazy hard
engineering part. Ill have to eat a
lotta cheese that day, Im sure.
Engineering program director
Cal Scrooher has expressed much
excitement about the new majors.
Were ofering such a valuable
and enriching education, espe-
cially to the football players. Tey
may have tipped cows before, but
now theyll do it with impunity.
Tey may milk cows in their spare
time, but now theyll learn how to
handle those teats like profession-
als. And with our cow birthing
class, theyll have the pleasure of
going shoulder deep into a place
where few people have gone be-
fore.
Te agricultural and biologi-
cal engineering program also fea-
tures celebrity professors like the
Chick-fl-A cows. Although they
could not be reached for com-
ment, the cows are teaching Eat
Mor Chikin 1001, which will fo-
cus on chicken hating and learn-
ing to speak and write in the cow
vernacular. Te football players
have been said to be doing so well
in the class that theyre starting to
chant chikin bad, moos good to
boost morale on the feld. Tink
like a cow, play like a cow. Im real
proud of them, football coach
Mark Richt said. Soon well be
able to use their self-engineered
cow patties in our ofensive strat-
egy. Who can defend against that
kind of smell?
Phys. Ed. 101
Strip Teaser
Gym Dawgs put their talents to use
at Jim Dawgz, the local strip club, in
hopes of weathering recession. 426
THWUGA
28
Tuesday,
November 25, 2008
Richt endorsement bankrupts Ford
By Pocket Poolman
Strong Grippa
In testimony before congress
last week, Ford CEO Allan Mu-
lally detailed his companys des-
perate need for an emergency
bailout due largely to what he de-
scribes as the catastrophic efect
of Mark Richts endorsement of
Ford trucks.
Mulally pleaded with lawmak-
ers to pass a bridge loan package
of nearly $25 billion to help keep
Ford afoat. Te efects of Mark
Richts comments on our compa-
ny cannot be overstated, he said.
News of the imminent bank-
Image credits: Ford commercial, Yahoo! Finance
Mark Richts advertisement for Ford Trucks single-handedly sent the entire Ford Motor Company into bankruptcy and desperate for cash.
ruptcy sent Ford stock plummet-
ing in a dive that one investor
described as nearly as meteoric
as the fall from U[sic]GAs pre-
season football ranking.
Te commercial in question
began airing prior to the 2008 col-
lege football season and features
Mark Richt, the head coach of the
football team at the University[sic]
of Georgia expressing his endorse-
ment of Ford trucks. In an open-
ing line comprised mostly of
monosyllabic words, reportedly a
favorite of the head coach, Richt
declares: I believe that sweat
feeds the soul. He goes on to ex-
press several of his key opinions
and concludes by emphasizing: I
believe in Ford trucks.
Richt responded to allegations
that he had caused the near col-
lapse of a major US automaker
by stating, I stand by everything
I said except that whole mental
toughness part. Mental toughness
is for wimps! When asked what
he meant by the phrase Georgia
Saturdays, build Ford tough he
clarifed that Ford trucks are as
rock-solid as the feeling of despair
in Athens on Saturdays when
your team only beats Auburn by
4 points, loses to Alabama by 11
points or loses to Florida by 39
points.
Responsibility for the commer-
cial has yet to be established. Its
pretty much a blame game down
here, said Anna Nguyen, a Ford
employee. Finding the respon-
sible party is harder than keeping
U[sic]GA football players out of
jail on alcohol-related charges.
Mullay stated that overseas
sales remained largely unafected.
We havent seen as big a losses in
our foreign markets, probably be-
cause no one knows about U[sic]
GA over there. Fords stock was
trading at 0.11 a share at the close
of the market Tuesday, which is
coincidentally the average GPA
for students at U[sic]GA.
by
the

numbers
6
Number of girls and cows as-
signed to entertain each football
recruit as they make their deci-
sions on where university to take
basket-weaving classes. New SEC
regulations forbid the University
(sic) from ofering pigs.
.20
Te required BAC (blood
alcohol content) for any U[sic]
GA football player at kick of.
All players that fail to meet this
required level must do several
keg stands of Keystone Light.
Natty Light is discouraged due
to expenses.
14
Minimum number of SOLO
cups needed for a game of beer
pong. Includes six cups per team
and two for cleaning the balls.
Te required amount of beer
varies depending on availability
of Keystone Light and success
in fundraising through banjo
busking.
90
Combined number of points
scored by Florida and Alabama
in football games against the
Dawgs this year.
Staford learns: Dawggie style can lead to pregnancy
Photo by Jack Dick/ Student Publications
Matthew Staford and Uga VII appear on the Maury Show to hear
the paternity results of Uga VII. Staford turned out to his dad.
By Phillin Wholes
Sexual Investigator
If you were watching TV last
Tursday, you may have seen a
familiar face on the number one
rated daytime talk show in Clarke
CountyU[sic]GA quarterback
Matt Staford. Staford had a sur-
prised look for most of the hour:
I think he was just surprised to
see the outcome of the test, said
talk show host Maury Povich.
Te test he was talking about
was the paternity test that proved
Staford to be the father of UGA
VII. [UGA VI] and I were just
fooling around one day my fresh-
man year it was the night after
we lost to Vandy at home and I
wanted to forget about the game.
So I had a few drinks and just
went up and started talking to the
frst thing that talked back to me,
and then we kind of went from
there said Staford.
Unfortunately that was the last
time UGA VI and Staford spent
time together. UGA VII was born
quickly afterwards and UGA VI
passed away this past spring. I
was sad when it happened, but I
had no idea, Staford said.
Te whole thing started before
the season in practice when the
team got a chance to meet UGA
VII. Knowshon Moreno, a team-
mate of Staford, allegedly told
him he looked like the dog. Other
teammates started taking notice
before Head Coach Mark Richt
pulled Staford into his ofce. I
asked him if he had something to
tell me and then we started talk-
ing about responsibility, Richt
said.
Once Staford got the tests and
Maury Povich got word of it, he
knew it was a prime topic for his
show.
Staford and UGA VII, on
my show? What better way to get
more viewers than inviting the
most famous, most beloved dog in
Clarke County, Povich said.
Te scene played out like any
other scene on Maury. Staford
opened with a questioned look
on his face as if he was thinking,
What did I do this time? Te
face seemed eerily similar to the
summer he took pictures spoon-
ing a teammate and holding a keg
over his head.
Once the tests were released,
chaos ensued. Handlers couldnt
hold UGA VII back as he rushed
from backstage into the waiting
arms of his crying father.
It was so emotional, I dont
think Ive ever seen anything like
that. Ive done this show since
1991 and this is by far the most
emotional show weve ever had,
Povich said.
A week later, Staford is still in
shock and disbelief, but is slowly
accepting his role as a father. We
play ball, we go out to the games,
we just love hanging out, Staford
said.