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I used to love George Why Is it that people Michaels 1990 album complain every time Listen Without Prejudice. it rains, then bang on about However, when I read that saving the rain forest? Surely he had been arrested for they cant have it both ways? cottaging in a public lavaAlan Heath, e-mail tory, I threw the ruddy thing straight in the bin. I sImply ignore the warnings on fag packets Craig Scott, e-mail

Clouded Judgement

I was watching a BBC police drama the other day in which a man was murdered. But when the police were inspecting the scene of the crime, I distinctly saw the chest of the corpse moving up and down slowly. The murder victim was being played by a live actor! Come on, BBC, there are plenty of dead actors who could have played this part more convincingly. John Thaw, for instance, or Victor Spinetti. Frederick Treves, Luton

ST HR LETTER

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which say that smoking reduces your life expectancy. They have always tested fag smoking on beagles, so if youre over sixty, youre actually

about ninety-five in dog years. Do you want to live forever? Terry Corrigan, e-mail

Race Issue

I recently purchased a new car and paid an additional 200 for electric windows. Imagine my horror on delivery to discover the windows were in fact made of glass! No refund, no apology. No wonder they call it riphoW can Christian off Britain. men be against homoRichard Linley, e-mail sexuality but claim to love Je-

so, the heavy rain in July meant that racegoers were not allowed to use the car parks at Silverstone racecourse for safety reasons. Yet it was OK to send people to a grand prix in Bahrain. Its high time Bernie Ecclestone decided which side of the Health and Safety fence he is on for once and for all. Donald troosers, e-mail

he london 2012 olympIc games have been called the greatest ever T seen, not just in terms of the spectacular medal haul by the host nation, but in terms of the sporting spirit of the competitors and good humour of the volunteers and spectators. Everyone except Morrissey enjoyed 17 days of spectacular sport, and now that its come to an end, your letters have been flooding in telling us of your thoughts about the greatest Olympic Games ever held...
remember where you were when you saw Mo Farah take gold in the 10,000 metres. And he was right, I certainly remember where I was. I was lying on my sofa in my underpants eating steak pie and chips. Arthur Dury, Whitley Bay

Why CanT medal winners at the Olympics find the time to get changed into a shirt and tie or nice dress before their presentations? Wearing tracksuits makes them all look scruffy and gives the wrong imI have enjoyed every minute of the pression to the kids they should be inspiring! Wonderman, e-mail recent 2012 London Olympics. The only thing that spoilt it was the ladies beach DurIng the Olympics, it was hard volleybal. It was such lovely weather, and not to notice that the American and the competitors looked uncomfortably hot Jamaican male sprinters felt it necessary to in their costumes. And its going to be even hotter in Brazil in four years time. Perhaps at strut around, posing in front of the cameras Rio 2016 they could keep cool by wearing after winning their races, rubbing it in the something a little skimpier, or perhaps play faces of their fellow competitors. Id like to think that should we ever produce another in the buff. H Doubleday, Lambton British sprinting champion, they wouldnt feel the need to behave quite so arrogantly, I agree with Mr Doubleday (above and would celebrate in a way that was typiletter). I felt very sorry for the lady cally British. Perhaps after crossing the finbeach volleyball players who were constantly ishing line he would be handed a smoking having to tug at the legs of their bikini bottoms jacket, newspaper and slippers, before lightto release sand. It must become very tiring. ing a pipe and giving a knowing wink and In Rio 2016, why dont they have someone smile to the camera. who could do that for them, and perhaps Matt Cham, e-mail brush the sand from their cleavages so as Who says the London Olympics the players could concentrate on the game. will not leave a legacy? Shooting I would happilly do it. I wouldnt need to be Gold Medalist Peter Wilson revealed that paid, I would do it for the love of the sport. Len Chilselhurst, Acton whilst on a train the other day, a boy was scratching his eczema despite his mum tellThe BBC athletics commentator at ing him to stop. Wilson pulled out his gold London 2012 said that Youll always medal and showed it to him. The boys face

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lit up and he stopped scratching. It is this sort of inspirational tale that makes it all worth while, and I for one hope that it is the first of many manageable skin conditions that are temporarily alleviated by Team GBs heroes. Keef, Walthamstow

OLYMPIC G ROUND-UP
in front of a worldwide audience, the filthy beast. God only knows what the Germans must have thought. Then again theyd probably have put a glass coffee table under it, the filthy beasts. Brian Norcross, e-mail

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ITs a fucking swiz. They give two bronze medals in the same race because two competetors came joint 3rd. In my opinion they actually came joint 4th and both of them should of got fuck all. R Ellis, e-mail Like 99% of Britons, I didnt have the foggiest idea who Bradley Wiggins was until last week. Now I think he is without doubt the greatest man ever to come from these shores, so much so that I have decided to name my son after him. Which is easier said than done as hes been called Brian for the last 42 years. Ian Hunter, Newcastle

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Ive jusT watched the Olympic closing ceremony and Im disgusted at Freddie Mercury. His band were playing in front of the entire world and he couldnt even be bothered to turn up. Boo! Bad show, sir! Nathanial, e-mail havIng just watched Zara Phillips in the Olympics, I feel that she would have had a better chance of Gold if her horse wasnt having a shit whilst jumping the first two obstacles. I would have thought that a horse belonging to the Royal family would have gone to the toilet before competing live

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I jusT watched Mo Farrah line up for his for his Olympic 10,000m final and was shocked to see that he was wearing a gold chain! When I did PE at school I had to remove my jewellery due to Health and Safety. Once again its one rule for the elite athletes and another for us at the grass roots! Have a word Seb Coe! Rossco Peako, e-mail I agree with Mr Peakos letter (above). If my old games teacher Mr Fenton had been in the crowd, he would have stepped out and insisted Mo removed the chain. Then he would have given him a couple of whacks across the buttocks with a plimsoll. And had

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Dramatic WorldMags.net Jobs Boost

FooL your next door neighbour into thinking its green bin week by putting your green bin out before they get back from work. Borris Hoddinot, e-mail oLymPIC commentators. Avoid general public opprobrium and the severe disdain of the emergency services by NOT saying he is literally on fire when, in fact, you mean he is metaphorically on fire. Toby Tyke, e-mail sus who was a man? Answer that one, so-called Archbishop of Canterbury. Ross Kennett, e-mail STRUggLINg with increasing petrol prices? Save pounds by simply half filling your tank with stones before you next fuel up! Desulph Daz, e-mail AN oCToPUS makes an ideal comfy non-slip bathmat. Simply scoop-out any annoying unwanted bits, and fix the tentacles to the base of the bath. Steve Jefferson, e-mail WINdoW cleaners. Save time by simply placing a bucket under the kitchen drain of each house you service. Next time you go, there will be a full bucket of water saving you the bother of carrying a bucket around and asking for it to be filled. Save even more time by leaving a ladder at every house too. Tex, Burnley SToP your cat from scatching everything in the house and crapping in your garden by making it live in a cage with your budgie. If you have two cats, use a parrot cage. P McIntyre, e-mail

AMES 20 1 2

i Work from home. I wonder what people FolloWing George who believe a womans place Formbys advice, I is in the home make of that. went to the seaside yesterday Christina Martin, e-mail for a little stick of Blackpool rock. Imagine my disappointThe oTher day I ment when the lady behind found myself slightly the counter said they didnt drunk attempting to put a sell it. Thats the last time I king size duvet into a new cover, whilst a Michael Bolhe forgotten his kit, he would have been go to Great Yarmouth. forced to run his medal-winning race in Bobby Bowels, e-mail ton song was playing on the the biggest pair of shorts from the lost property box. That would have taken the shine off his victory somewhat. R Marmalade, Nottingham

Why is it that in modern society its socially acceptable to have a collection of vibrators with veins, lumps and nobbles all over them, but mention that you have an electric vibrating vagina at home and the conversation dies? Gilbert Nadpants, e-mail

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Going Loco

radio. To make things worse, I could also make out the theme tune to Whats the Story in Balamory? coming from the next room. Can any other readers beat this for a hell on earth experience? Gary Sprake, e-mail

iF The Government is serious about improving the countrys economy, they should hire TV soap scriptwriters as consultants. Not only have they managed to achieve full employment (including the 16 -25 year old group) in both inner-city and rural areas, but no-one ever has to travel further than the end of their street to get to work. Its worth a thought, Mr Cameron. Tom ONeil, e-mail

Continued over...

Why should I have to stand up on the train on the way home, so that unemployed people can sit down? It really makes me mad. J Jensen, e-mail

i Broke down in my traction engine the other day and while I was waiting for the AA man to turn up, who should appear but the ghost of the late puppeteer and amateur TV aerial repair man Rod Hull, all dressed in white like he was, but still holding that damn emu. Sidney Spanner, e-mail

I was looking forward to the Olympic Taekwondo fights. The thought of seeing competitors leaping several feet into the air screaming oriental threats and oaths at one another, the staves and rice flails being wielded, the wounds and bruises inflicted by those masters of the martial arts was all very exciting. Imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be nothing more than glorified arse kicking contests. Mike Chase, Lowestoft

SyNChRoNISEd swimming would be a lot more interesting if the beaming contestants performed their sport naked. And got out of the pool. And performed sex acts on each other. International Olympic Committee please take note. Jim Alsopps chum, e-mail

The adventurous pair will be risking permenant buttock damage by cycling between all 8 football clubs managed by Sir Bobby Robson. But theyre not mental, because the intrepid duo will be attempting the feat in support of The Robbie Elliott Foundation which is raising funds for the Sir Bobby Robson Foundation and Breakthrough Breast Cancer. The two fundraisers start their journey in October at Sporting Lisbon in Portugal and cycle 1,160 miles via FC Porto to Barcellonas Nou Camp. The numbbuttocked iron men will then begin a 1,500 mile trek to PSV Eindhoven in The Netherlands.

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Then its aboard a cross-channel ferry where bike saddles will betemporarily replaced by a pile of cushions in the bar. Arriving in England, the saddlesore duo will get back on their bikes and head for Fulhams Craven Cottage and on to Wembley, stopping off at a chemists in Acton to buy some pile ointment. Then, perhaps wishing Sir Bobbys managerial career had been spent within a smaller geographical radius, the pair will pedal 100 miles to Ipswichs Portman Road, followed by the final 380 mile push to Sir Bobbys spiritual home of Newcastle Uniteds St James Park.

tribute by texting TREF03 and the amount you want to give to 70070. Or simply visit the website at www.bikeforbobby.com for full details of how to give a bit of cash.

ou can join Phil and Robbie in their Y venture and still keep your arse in one piece by making a donation. You can con-

KaleelZibe.com

ave you ever wondered what it would be like to cycle 3,500 miles in just 3 1/2 weeks? Neither have we, and we dont intend to find out. But one couple who will be are Newcastle-born Tri-athlete Phil Gray and ex-Newcastle united left-back Robbie Elliott.

Sore Arses Ahead for Geordie Pair!

WorldMags.net Kim

Day
For a

people will think you are a psychopath rather than a germophobe. Carl F, e-mail

eve all wondered W what it would be like if we were Kim for a Day. But which Kim would you be, and how would you spend your 24 hours as Kim? We asked a random selection of stars of stage and screen and asked them who would they be and what would they do if they were Kim for a day...
Eddie Izzard Bilingual comedian I love dressing up in womens clothes and Ive got a wardrobe full of bras and dresses. However, when I put them on, I never fill them because I havent got womens tits. So if I could be a Kim for a day, Id be Kim Kardashian because shes got massive knockers. Id spend the day trying on all my frocks and looking at myself with a heaving cleavage in the bedroom mirror. Bono Pop bellend The people of North Korea live under a brutal dictatorship who ban the use of the internet to deny them information. It breaks my heart because these oppressed people have probably never heard of me. Id love to be North Korean ruler Kim Jong-Un for a day. Id announce that everyone could use the internet to read all about me on Wikipaedia, look at some U2 vidos on YouTube, or download some of my songs on iTunes. That means that by the end of the day, everyone on the planet would know of me. The Chuckle Brothers Comedy twosome If we were Kim for a day, both Barry and I would be Swedish International midfielder Kim Kllstrm. Weve long admired the FC Spartac Moscow goal machine for his pace and his mastery of the long shot. If me and my Chuckle brother were him for a day, wed go to somebodys house to do some decorating, and Barry would push the step ladder through a glass window. Then Id spill a bucket of wallpaer paste on his head before painting someones face blue with a paint roller as they stood in a doorway.

School bullies. Ensure maximum tear production from your victims by punching them with a halved onion in your clenched fist. Tam Dale, e-mail GeNTleMeN. Dont waste time on the toilet having a dump. Tell your wife you are going to do some gardening, and then drop your faeces out of your trouser bottoms like the tunnel diggers in The Great Esape. Mac Immingham, e-mail SiNG Happy Birthday to yourself twice in a row as you wash your hands in a public restroom. That way you know you have scrubbed for 30 seconds, and week I got an iPad, a 48-inch plasma TV and six bottles of scotch for a hundred quid. T Harwood, Doncaster

ice creaM sellers. Play a practical joke by cooking a vat of mashed potato and serving it to anyone who orders vanilla flavour. Burned cocktail sausages can be used as a substitute for flakes H Sherwood, e-mail They Say that bread always lands buttered side down. So simply dont butter it until after its been picked up off the floor. Terry Corrigan, e-mail JoBSeeKerS. Feel like a famous celebrity the next time you sign on by signing a large, extravagant autograph in marker pen and adding All the best xx. Ross Hendrick, e-mail

olD laDieS. Relive the nostalgia of the War by eating only Oxo cubes and sleeping on the floor of a Tube station, having left the gas on so your house has exploded when you get home in the morning. Just like the good old days. Capt. Mainwaring, e-mail KiDS. Why not make a trip to the supermarket more interesting by using the nutritional information on packets to play Top Trumps? If the product on the shelf beats the one in your mums trolley, swap them over. S Stacker, e-mail

Apple Fart

I want a pencil because Jimmy Hill is in my pub hiding on a pump. David Barke, e-mail

whIlst pinching one out at work today, a colleague entered the cubicle next to me and inadvertently triggered the Siri voice command on his phone. At precisely the same time I emitted a very long, baritone teethrattler, a bit like a castle door opening in a Hammer horror film. Anyway, Siri told my colleague that he didnt recognise the command. I mean, come on Apple, keep up with the demand of the consumer market will you? Ross Urmston, e-mail

If chImney sweeps are considered to be so lucky, how come most of them went bankrupt in the 70s with the advent of gas and electric fires? T Corrigan, e-mail

Good fences make good neighbours as In the porn film Pathe old saying goes, and I tricia Diamond - Testing couldnt agree more. Last The Tools, we see a rather nice

Holes in the Plot

lady get triple penetrated by 3 or 4 gentlemen in what appears to be a fish factory. She puts in a good session, but I dont understand why she is actually visiting the fish factory in the first place and why there arent any other visitors there. I like to see a bit of red hot action as much as the next man but I also need a believable storyline so I can connect with the characters. Boss Hogg, e-mail

I thInk you had a shit shop front competition a few years ago. This must be the worst plumbers shop front I have ever seen. SFW Geek, e-mail

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Statue? No, its me!

I vIsIted New York in 1997 and I went to see the Statue of Liberty. So I was delighted to see a photograph of it on page 48 of issue 218 (On This Day). I couldnt believe my eyes when I looked at three tiny figures at the bottom left of the statue as Im pretty sure that the one in the middle is me! Im not sure who the other two people either side of me are, however, as I thought I was on my own at the time. Perhaps I went with two friends, I cant remember. Jason Wristwhiskers, Surrey

WorldMags.net e our Say

Have Yo S
...iM a spOrts fan, but I must admit that I think Morrissey has a point. I got tickets to see Canada versus Switzerland in the qualifying rounds of the ladies football competition at St James Park, and Im pretty sure I saw one of the stewards trying to round some Jews up at half time. Hampton Laidlaw, plumbers mate ...MOrrissey was 100% right in what he said. At the opening ceremony, I was disgusted to see athletes from Grenada and Tuvalu being forced to walk behind flags bearing yellow stars. The sickening spectacle brought to my mind the horror of Hitlers Final Solution, and I had to leave the room until Paul McCartney came on. Then I had to leave the room again when he started singing. Yolande Chertsey, apprentice tree surgeon ...MOrrissey should be given a knighthood for speaking up. Whilst the rest of the country sat back like sheep and allowed itself to enjoy a fortnight of spectacular sport, only he managed to see the bigger picture, recognising that London 2012 was nothing more than a re-run of the Holocaust. Charlton Piles, optometrists labourer ...weLL saiD Morrissey. I lost my parents, grandparents and many other relatives in the death camps at Auschwitz and Treblinka. It was only when I saw Team GB taking gold in the Team Dressage event that the full enormity of the atrocities perpetrated against my family by the Third Reich was brought home to me. Transom Hirschfeld, rostrum cameraman ...MOrrissey was quite correct. I grew up in Germany during the 1930s and witnessed at first hand the vile acts of the Hitler Youth. After the war, I thought times had changed and we had learned the hard lessons that the mistakes of the past had taught us. I was looking forward to a brighter future, but when I saw my grandson leaping up and down with delight as Mo Farah crossed the line to take his second gold, I realised we had learned nothing at all, and history is just going to go on repeating itself. Eva McTavish, Lady Mayoress ...i cOuLDnt agree more with Morrissey. At the opening ceremony, the smiles on the faces of the athletes brought to mind the smile on the face of Hitlers deputy Josef Goebbels in that picture of him when hes smiling. It chilled

Big Twat Strikes Again!

n his Own fan website, outspoken pop twat Morrissey O recently sparked outrage when he launched a blistering attack on the London Olympics. the former smiths front-bellend

Smiths Frontman Slams Nazi Brits

claimed that the country was now foul with jingoism, adding that the spirit of 1939 Germany now pervades throughout britain. his words were angrily denounced, but does he have a point? Did the populations wholesale embrace of the 2012 games spill over from innocent enjoyment into genocidal nazism? Or was Morrissey talking out his arse as usual? we went out on the street to find out what the Great british public had to say on the matter...
my blood and I was unable to watch any of the games after that. Except the womens beach volleyball. Pete Glans, Unemployed headhunter ...i cOuLDnt agree more with Morrisseys statement. Everyone who took part in the Olympics should be brought to justice for their part in the games in a series of Nuremberg-style trials. Whilst the gamesmakers, volunteers, athletes and spectators will all doubtless claim they were merely following orders, anyone found guilty should be hanged or at the very least imprisoned in Spandau jail for the rest of their life. Una Toes, Anal hygienist

I was looking foward to my free fling with a Spanish waiter and was disappointed to find the offer was only open to ladies. What about your gay readers who fancy a Spansih waiters tap-ass? Sex hungry Bruce, Cambridge

My gIrlfrIend has just left me, saying I was a useless tosser. If

youre reading this Moira, check out some of my eBay feedback. Welcome back anytime, 5 stars, Great eBayer, perfect, A credit to eBay. Useless tosser? I dont fucking think so. Terry, e-mail

UP THE ARSE
Sender: Richard Happer, e-mail

Sender: Al Campbell, e-mail

Sender: Eddie do I win 5? Flynn, e-mail

C O R N E R

WHAT DO

Morrissey says that the British people behaved like nazis during the Olympics, but what do you think? Is he a bellend or a twat? Text BELLEND or TWAT to 018118055.
Last weeks Morrissey text-in results: Arsehole; 100% Wanker; 100%.

YOU THINK?

fOOL your friend into thinking that he is a Formula 1 driver, by commentating on everything he does in a Murray Walker voice. Robin Shaw, e-mail OLyMpic drug cheats. Finish last in the event you are taking part in to avoid suspicion from the dope testers. Mr Moxton, e-mail

DOnt waste money on expensive moist toilet tissue. Simply take a standard sheet of toilet paper and run it under a tap. dudno seafront with an open tray of chips. if yOur eyes water when chopping onLee Healy, e-mail C Dodgson, Oxford ions, try cutting up mushrooms instead.

superMarkets. Help reduce childhood obesity by putting parent and child parking spaces as far from the door as possible to make the lazy bastards walk. Gingergav, e-mail wannabe Spies. Communicate with your neighbours using Morse Code messages fOOL your neighbours into thinking you by switching your lights on and off have an expensive wind chime by simply Mark Walton, e-mail playing a few odd notes on a glockenspiel in your garden when its windy. recreate the excitement of Alfred HitchMatt haines, e-mail cocks The Birds by walking down Llan-

The tears will disappear, and your dishes will taste completely different, too. King Bolete Fungi, e-mail DOnt waste time and money on large tattoos. Have small ones and continuously graze on cakes, lard and cola and. Hey Presto! A large tattoo for the same price. Reggie, e-mail

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ts the debAte thats driving wedges into the heart of britains communities, sending divorce rates rocketing and splitting families asunder from Lands end to John OGroats: Who is the greatest Armstrong?
Is It Moon Man Neil who to took one small step into the history books in 1969? Perhaps its cyclist laNce who pedaled his way into the record books by winning the tour de France seven times. or is it boys action figure Stretch who provided children with a few minutes of mild pleasure in the 1970s? now its time for the worlds leading Armstrongs to go head to head to head in a threeway Armstrong Wrestling Contest that will decide once and for all...

Astronaut and Neil NASA first man on the Moon

FeW peOpLe have travelled further than Astronaut Neil, who drove his rocket Apollo 11 all the way to the Moon and back in 1969, a total of half a million miles - thats the equivalent of travelling to the Moon and back. But nagging questions remain as to whether the crew ever went into space at all, and many people believe that rather than the Moon, Armstrong and his cronies faked their whole mission on a Hollywood film set.

Score: 4

As the only man to walk on the Moon, Neil was one of the few people on Earth who experienced limb ductility. In the vacuum of space, Armstrongs arms and legs would have become considerably longer in the absence of gravity. However, whilst experiencing the high blast-off G-forces in his Saturn 5 rocket, his limbs would have become much shorter. In the end, the two effects would have cancelled each other out, so its a mediocre score for the late lunar pioneer.

Score: 5

thrOuGhOut his NASA career, Armstrong was notorious for having no sense of balance, even managing to fall over on the Moon where there is no gravity! Cape Canaveral boffins were forced to abandon plans for a Judge Dredd-style lunar motorbike when they found out it would be Armstrong at the controls. Instead they opted for a more stable four-wheeled Lunar Rover.

Score: 3

Its A recorded fact that Project Apollo astronauts were routinely plied with drugs prior to blasting off on their week-long Moon missions. But they werent ripped to their spaceman tits on squidgy black, crystal meth or anabollock steroids, they were simply drugs to bung them up, as NASA boffins had yet to develop a toilet which could cope with solid motions in the weightless vacuum of the lunar module.

Score: 7

ALthOuGh he never officially competed in the famous French road race, astronaut Neil famously flew to the Moon and back in a rocket - a distance of 500,000 miles. Thats the equivalent of pedaling 250 monthlong Tour de Frances back to back ... in a week! Neils prodigious feat is still unmatched in the field of professional cycling, so its a giant leap in points for the late Moon-walker.

Score: 7

Oh dear! Neil may have taken one small step for man on the Moon, but he was unable to take the giant leap he needed to win this competition, and gets brought back down to earth with a bump.

TOTAL

28

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WHO is the worlds best ArmstrOng?

Lance
7-times winner of the Tour de France Round 1: TRAVEL
During his illustrious sporting career, cyclist Lance has put in more than half a million miles in the saddle - equivalent to pedalling all the way to the Moon and back. So youd be forgiven for expecting a high score in this round. However, as his record of winning cyclings most coveted prize shows, Armstrong has only ever been to France, where he has competed in the famous Tour de race seven times.

WorldMags.net

Stretch Elastic toy

A bAD start for Stretch, who rarely travelled anywhere except the short distance from the Argos shop to a childs house, and then a few months later from the house to the Oxfam shop, a total distance of perhaps 20 miles - equivalent to travelling 10 miles towards the Moon and back. However, as an inexplicably successful toy brand, Stretch Armstrongs were available in every country on the planet, making him the unexpected winner of this round.

Score: 3 Round 2: LIMB DUCTILITY

Limb ductility would be a real disadvantage for Lance Armstrong. If theres one thing a racing cyclist needs, its consistency of arm and leg length during a race. In a highly competitive sport where mere seconds can mean the difference between taking the yellow jersey and finding yourself at the back of the peloton, having to stop every few miles while his dad altered the height of the saddle and handlebars would spell disaster.

Score: 7

Score: 2

ThAnks to his limbs that could be drawn out to great lengths, one might expect Stretch to romp home the winner in this, his specialist round. However, the dictionary definition of ductile is of a metal, capable of being drawn into a wire. Armstrongs admittedly stretchy limbs were made of siilcone and polymers rather than metal and so were not technically ductile at all. Consequently, its a big zero for the ductile-limbed action figure.

Score: 0

Round 3: BALANCE
Five-sevenThs of the word balance is Lance, so youd expect this Armstrong to have a good sense of it. And youd be right, for the seven-times Tour de France winner can ride a bike which has extremely thin wheels for miles on end without falling off. Not only that, he can also do no hands and sit on the handle bars and pedal backwards. And do wheelies. ALThough symmetrical, Stretch Armstrong is top heavy and has extremely small feet. Added to this, his non-Newtonian fluid-filled legs have no inherent rigidity, meaning he is unable to balance unaided for more than a couple of seconds at a time. However, the box he comes in has a flat, square base so it can be stacked on toy shop shelves, ironically making him the most stable of the three.

Score: 8

Score: 9

Round 4: DOPING ALLEGATIONS

The WorLD of professional cycling is regularly rocked by drugs scandals, and throughout his career, Lance has not been immune from suspicion. And unluckily for him, despite never having taken any performance enhancing pharmaceuticals to aid his capabilities, he was recently banned for life and stripped of all his titles by the US Anti Doping Agency USADA. WiTh his ripped physique, large jaw and invisible genitals, Stretch Armstrong looks like a prime candidate for steroid abuse. However, if you thought the flexible toy was full of exotic muscle-building chemicals and banned substances youd be quite wrong, for squeaky-clean Stretchs rubber skin is actually filled with gelled corn syrup - a substance which athletes are allowed to consume perfectly legally.

Score: 5

Score: 2

Round 5: TOUR DE FRANCE WINS

DespiTe crossing the finish line in first place an unmatched seven times, its a disappointing nil pwa in this round for the multiple Tour de France winner. Following unfair doping allegations based on rigorous scientific analysis of blood samples, Lance has recently been stripped of his titles and his seven victories have been struck from the sporting records. Tour De FrAnce records only go back to 1905, when the race was won by French cyclist Maurice-Francois Garin. Its quite possible that Stretch Armstrong could have entered and won the competition on many occasions prior to that date; we will simply never know. In the absence of any evidence, it seems only fair to give him the benefit of the doubt, and he gets a middling score in this round.

Score: 0

Score: 9

On yOur bike, son. Lance may have been King of the Mountains seven times, but sadly King of the Armstrongs is a title that will forever elude him as his bid to win falls as flat as one of his tyres.

TOTAL

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HOOrAH! Stretch pulls out to win by a short neck and two extremely long arms. When the historians of the future look back at the Chronicles of the Armstrongs, theyll see that Stretch went out on a limb to pull off the greatest victory of all time.

TOTAL

27

St.Ella WorldMags.net
The Lives of the Saints

of Artois
The Patron Saint of Strong Lager

In the Middle Ages a humble shepherd named Ella lived near Artois dAquitaine in northern France. The village was sorely afflicted by a terrible plague of boilers, pigs and hounds. The women were so ugly that the local men could not bring themselves to go courting with them. As a result, they were very sad, and their cods were like unto two tins of Fussells milk.

One day, Ella went up into the hills to look for a sheep that had wandered from his flock. On a quiet pathway he came across a cask of strong lager that had fallen from the back of a passing tumbril cart. The day was hot and the shepherd was thirsty, so he stopped to quaff a pint of the beer. It tasted good and made him feel happy. Thank-you Lord for your bounteous gift of ale, he said.

RefReshed and light of heart and head, he ventured forth into the town to seek company. In a tavern, he met a woman but was repulsed by her ugliness, for she did indeed have a face like a sack of spanners. But the Lord spake unto Ella, saying, Fear not. Trust in me and have another pint, for I move in mysterious ways my wonders to perform.

ella dId as God had ordained, and as he drained his glass an amazing thing happened, for the woman no longer appeared quite as fugly as once she had, even though she still did look quite rough, to be fair. My God, thou hath wrought a wondrous change in this woman through the beer thou hast given me, he cried. Even though I still wouldnt touch her with Yours.

But GOd bade the shepherd to keep drinking of the lager, and as he did, a miraculous transformation occurred. For the more he drank, the more attractive the woman became. Until yea, after the eighth or ninth pint, she was truly a stunner. Ella fell to his knees and raised his glass on high, crying out in a loud, slurred voice, saying Hallelujah, for I have pulled a gorgeous bit of muff.

ella enjOIned the woman to come back to his dwelling for a coffee and the rest, and lo, they knew each other like knives. After he had shot his bolt, the shepherd immediately fell into a deep sleep, waking only six times during the night to get up for a slash.

In the morning, Ella awoke and gazed upon the woman in his bed. But now she was no longer beautiful and once again had a face like a cows arse. Even though his head was sorely vexed with a throbbing ague, Ella raised his voice unto the heavens, crying Christ Almighty. How did I manage to do that? And at that moment he knew it had truly been a miracle brought about by the beer.

eveRy Friday night in every town in Christendom, that incredible miracle of transubstantiation still occurs, when young men drink copious drafts of strong lager and cop off with Keira Knightley, only to wake up with Olive off On the Buses snoring away in their fart sack.

WorldMags.net Next Week: St. Greavesie, Patron Saint of Football Pundits

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L
Look up hero in the dictionary and you will find just one word. Neil Armstrong. Look up astronaut in the dictionary and you will find just one word. Neil Armstrong. For Neil Armstrong was all of them things and more. Much more. Much much more. Much much more than brave. Much much more than a hero. And, yes. Much much more than a astronaut. Who can ever forget that day (subs look up date) back in (look up year) when Neil Armstrong took one small step for man. But he didnt just take one small step for man. He also took a giant leap for mankind. And now, 48 (check this) years later, he has taken another small step. A small step into the abyss of the unknown. A giant leap into the void of the hereafter.

ook up brave in the dictionary and you will find just one word. Neil Armstrong.

Why the Man in the Moon was the Hero in our Hearts
of Tranquility on the Moon, where Armstrong landed his rocket all those years ago. And those tears of sadness, melancholy and woe (enough to fill the Sea of Tranquility) took me back to my childhood. For Armstrong was not just an astronaut. He was an inspiration. He was an inspiration to the world. But his inspiration broke free of the earthly bounds to which mankind had been fettered for countless generations past. For his inspiration reached out from the earth and into the Cosmos. His inspiration reached out to the edge of the Universe. And beyond. He was a hero to a generation of boys. Boys like me. Boys like my friend Mark Whiting. Boys like Mark Whitings friend Andrew Billings. Boys like Andrew Billingss friend Stephen Ogleby, who I didnt really know very well and only saw at Andrew Billingss birthday parties. Neil Armstrong inspired us all to reach for the stars. But few of us could imagine the bravery required to sit in a tin can on top of a mile-high Saturn 5 rocket on the launch pad at Cape Carnival, as the countdown begun. Twenty-nine, twenty-eight, twentyseven, twenty-six, twenty-five, twentyfour, twenty-three, twenty-two, twentyone, twenty, nineteen, eighteen, seventeen, sixteen, fifteen, fourteen, thirteen, twelve, eleven, ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, there thats 499 words but I did 501 last week about him off the darts. Invoice enc.

This hero who bestrode the skies like a Colossus of Rhodes has taken one more flight into the heavens. But this time he hasnt went to the Moon. He has gone to sit at Gods right hand. When I heard he had been taken from us at the tragically young age of 82, I wept. I wept tears of sadness, tears of melancholy, tears of woe. I cried enough tears to fill the Sea

Government Steps in to T Halt Albarn

HE BRITISH POP industry was in meltdown last night as the government was forced to call in the army in an attempt to stop Blur frontman Damon Albarn from starting any more bands. The London boroughs of Hackney and Whitechapel saw troops on the streets with orders to stop the musician from collaborating on musical projects at all costs
In an emergency debate at the house of commons, Culture Secretary Jeremy Rhymes With Hunt told fellow MPs, Albarn must be stopped. It was fine when he only had forty or fifty bands, but hes showing no sign of slowing down. He continued: The pop industry must be a level playing field, but with Albarn now occupying nearly 30% of the British musical landscape, hes in danger of distorting the market. ECLECTIC General Sir David Richards, the chief of UK defence staff, explained, The problem is that we dont know where hell strike next. Albarn is deliberately eclec-

EXCLUSIVE!
tic, so his collaborations are almost impossible to predict, and that puts the public at a terrible risk. ELECTRIC After troops were deployed, guards were placed around Jessie J, the North London Gospel Choir and the seeing one from Peters & Lee, with Hunt giving the OK for a shoot-to-kill policy if Albarn comes anywhere near them with a song. The official alert level has been elevated to Code Black for the first time since Albarn had dinner with Sting in July 2009. During that crisis, the Navy were put

on forty-five minute standby in case the songwriter attempted to collaborate on a shantie. But a furious Albarn hit back, singing: Im not taking this lying down. I will use any means at my disposal to start more bands. And in the meantime, its business as usual for me. He then started another band before heading to his studio in West London to start another one. CHEESE Cheesemaking pal Alex James last night appealed for calm, saying Damon needs help. This is nothing new. Even when we were
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Keep Calm and Carry On starting bands - Albarn yesterday

in Blur, Damon was doing this. I remember, when we were recording Parklife, he said he needed the loo, and he didnt come back for twenty minutes. So I went to look for him and I found him in the studio toilet starting another band. After that, we insisted someone always went to the loo with him. But even that didnt stop him. He once locked himself in a cubicle and started a band with a bottle of Toilet Duck and one of his shoes

and they recorded an album of piss noises. Mojo gave it five stars. And when Blur were gigging in Japan, we found out by chance that hed started three bands on the tourbus. Him and the two drivers had made an album while the rest of us were in a restaurant. Albarns statement, the first release by his new a capella band The Business As Usual, featuring Albarn and the journalist who wrote this article, is now available on iTunes.

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The Haves and the Have-nots: Cast members strike over unequal pay.

he filming of the latest series of smash iTV drama Downton Abbey has been disrupted after angry actors walked off set. Talks over pay and conditions broke down when performers playing domestic staff in the hit show complained of unfair treatment.
Trouble arose when writer By Our TV Correspondent Fanny Akimbo Julian Fellowes insisted the pay of actors in the series, which pulls in eleven million viewers each week, should accurately reflect the wages of the characters they were playing. Fellowes told TV Quim magazine: In the interests of realism, I feel it is important that the domestic staff are paid exactly what they would have been paid Actor Carter: 120-hour week. back in the 1920s. But the controversial decision bitter to cut pay has led to unrest It may lead to resentment, amongst the cast. Jim Carter, but back in the olden days who stars as butler Carson in when Downton Abbey is set, the show, was privately said to the below-stairs employees be fuming after his pay was were often very bitter about slashed to a mere 15 shillings their lot. If I can foster this (75p) per episode. And other emotion in the actors and it actors have fared even less comes out onscreen, then that well, with Sophie McSheara will be fabulous, he gushed. who portrays scullery maid

Historic Drama Stars Strike over Pay & Conditions

Daisy now on less than 6d (21/2p) for a 40-hour week of rehearsals and shooting. Meanwhile Hugh Bonneville, their onscreen employer Lord Grantham, is coining it in on a salary estimated at more than 15,000 guineas for each show. Quentin Bumboy, spokesman for actors union Equity told us: The behaviour of ITV has been completely disgraceful and my members are not going to accept it. We have walked out and we will stay out until the producers see sense. Bumboy insisted the industrial action was not simply as a result of the pay cuts. Working conditions for the belowstairs actors are atrocious, he continued. The shooting schedule for them starts at five in the morning, seven days a week, whilst the actors who play the aristocratic Granthams get to swan onto the set at eleven and have every weekend off. Joanne Froggatt who plays chambermaid Anna spent
Froggatt: paid 3p an hour.

mild

he filming of the latest series of smash ITV T drama Downton Abbey has been disrupted after US guest star Shirley Maclaine was found

Downton

five years at RADA and is a member of the Royal Shakespeare Company, yet shes expected to rise at halfpast four every day and carry fifteen buckets of hot water up six flights of stairs so that

to be infested with mice. Shooting on the hit show had to be halted numerous times when dozens of the small grey rodents were spotted scurrying out from under the veteran US actresss skirts.

Production was also held up after the mice repeatedly nibbled through electrical wires, causing lights to fail during key scenes. Eventually the situation became so bad that desperate producers brought a cat onto the set in order to bring the problem under control. A Downton Abbey insider who wished to remain anonymous told us: Wed tried everything and nothing seemed to work. Wed put traps up Shirleys dress and poison in her knickers, but the mice were breeding faster than we could kill them.

poison

In desperation, we went to the local animal rescue centre and got a cat, and that seems to have sorted out the problem, Bonnevile added. In the first morning alone Marmalade, a five-year-old ginger tabby, caught as many as thirtyfive mice which had made their nest somewhere in the 78-yearold Sweet Charity star.

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Maggie Smith can have a bath, he said. And shes expected to do that for less than half a crown a week. Its utterly appalling, he added.

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Period Drama Bloopers

Downton Shabby
with
Castle - was built in 1679.

Mark Commode

W
Highclere: Industrial action.

Actors were last night mounting a picket line at the gates of Highclere castle, where the series is filmed. There were angry scenes and shouts of Scab as a busload of non-union extras from Upstairs Downstairs was driven onto the set to take over the parts of domestic staff.

noble

Tabby

But Julian Fellowes remained unrepentant. Some actors are born to play noble aristocrats whilst others are destined to play common parts below stairs, he told us. Its simply the way of the world. If these bone idle troublemakers dont want to portray characters who slave in the scullery for a pittance and drop their aitches, then there are plenty of actors who will, he added.

hen filming a high budget series like Downton Abbey, no expense is spared getting every every last detail right. Costume and set designers take infinite pains to make the show look as authentic as possible. But no matter how careful the shows makers are, errors creep in. And even before the third series hits the airwaves, internet forums are already buzzing with continuity cock-ups, costume catastrophes and anachronistic word meaning error beginning with as spotted by the shows eagle-eyed viewers. Here are just a few of the most historically hysterical bloopers from past series of Downton Abbey...

Downton Abbey is set in the years between 1912 and 1920, yet the house in which it is filmed - highclere In severAl episodes, the chauffeur Branson is seen

set In the first two decades of the twentieth century, Downton Abbey is filmed with sound. however, the station who makes the show - Itv - didnt go on air until 1956, nearly thirty years after the first talkie movie - The Jazz Singer, starring Al Jolson - was made.

polishing the bonnet of Lord Granthams car - an l-reg ford Capri 1.3l. however, that model of car takes 205/60/13 tyres - a size that was not available in the 1920s.

In serIes 1, episode 4, Mr Carson the butler is called to the main house after the Dowager Duchess

In the fIrst episode, the earl of Granthams American wife Cora Crawley is driven through a village on her way to Downton Abbey. the scene is set in 1912, yet double yellow lines are clearly visible on a sidestreet, and a house in the background has a television aerial fastened to its chimney.

DAme mAGGIe smIth, who plays Violet Crawley the Dowager Countess of Grantham, was born in 1934,

In the fInAl episode of series 2, Lord Granthams valet John Bates is

14 years after the show is set, 22 years before the station that broadcasts it was founded, and 255 years after the house where it is filmed was even built!

of Grantham faints. As he leaves the pantry he is not wearing a hat, yet seconds later when he enters the drawing room he can clearly be seen to have a television aerial coming out the top of his head.

seen packing a suitcase for his masters forthcoming trip to london. not only is bates wearing a digital watch, but he has a television aerial coming out of his head and there are double yellow lines painted on his trousers. Also visible in the room is a modern Keep left sign, a vapour trail from a jumbo jet and a poster of Dizzee rascal.

GEORGE FORMBY FAGS

Benson & Hedges

Cat drafted in to solve Maclaine mouse plague

Maclaines agent Hymen Prepuce IV said he was surprised to hear his client had a mouse problem. Speaking from his office on Broadway, he told us: This whole situation has got my noyves a-jangle. This goyls been in the business sixty years and shes never once been overrun with voymin, he added.
Infested: Downton star Maclaine (main pic) yesterday with the cat (upper left) brought in to rid star (main pic) of mice (far left)

Government Health Warning SMOKING GEORGE FORMBY FAGS MAY LEAD TO CHINESE LAUNDRY-BASED DEPRESSION AND OCCUPATIONAL VOYEURISM
6mg Tar 0.5mg Nicotine 3mg A little stick of Blackpool Rock

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Continued over...

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THE END

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Deceased actor JOHN THAW has been cryogenically frozen ...

GROAN! WH WHERE THE HELL AM I?

WELCOME TO THE 27th CENTURy, JOHN THAW. WE HAVE EASILY CURED YOUR TERMINAL ILLNESS USING OUR MICROBOTIC TACHYON-POWERED ASTRO-SURGERY .

THE STITCHES WILL NEED TO COME OUT IN A FORTNIGHT.

Shortly...

MUCH HAS CHANGED SINCE YOUR TIME, JOHN THAW. WE HAVE PUT AN END TO SUCH HORRORS AS WAR, FAMINE, DISEASE AND PRIME-TIME ITV DRAMA SERIALS.

AN EVIL ALIEN RACE -THE GANGLIONS- ARE POISED IN OUR ATMOSPHERE WITH A HUGE INVASION FLEET. AND WITH EARTH NOW BEING A PEACEFUL PLANET WE HAVE LEFT OURSELVES WITH NO DEFENCE AGAINST THEM.

AS THE WORLDS LAST JOBBING ACTOR, WE NEED YOU TO PLAY THE ROLE OF A TOUGH SPACE ADMIRAL WHOS GOT A MASSIVE GREAT FLEET OF PRETEND SPACE-WARSHIPS AT HIS DISPOSAL.

Now he sleeps away the centuries until he can be thawed in some far-flung future ...

MY GOD! SO WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT WITH ME IN YOUR CRAZY UTOPIA?

And so...

ATTENTION GANGLIONS! THIS IS GALACTIC-ADMIRAL JOHN THAW. LEAVE NOW OR I SHALL ORDER MY MIGHTY ARMADA OF BATTLE-CRUISERS TO BLAST YOUR PUNY SPACESHIPS OUT OF THE STARS! INCREDIBLE! WHAT A REASONABLY SUFFICIENT PERFORMANCE. YES! HIS DELIVERY IS UNCANNILY ADEQUATE.

DAMN IT ALL, ILL DO IT! BUT ILL NEED A SCRIPT , A SUITABLE HAT AND A LARGE SCOTCH FOR MY NERVES!

HEAR US HUMANS! WE ARE MORE-OR-LESS CONVINCED BY YOUR PASSABLE ADMIRAL CHARACTER AND HAVE THEREFORE DECIDED TO CALL OFF OUR INVASION! HOORAY! WHOOP!

YOUVE SAVED THE EARTH, JOHN THAW. AND TO SHOW OUR THANKS, WEVE REPLICATED FOR YOU THIS EARLY 21st CENTURY BAFTA AWARD .

SNIFF! THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE ID LIKE TO THANK FOR THIS AWARD , SO MANY UNSUNG HEROES BEHIND THE SCENES, WHO.

LETS GET HIM BACK IN THE FREEZING CHAMBER!

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NEXT WEEK: MORE CRYOGENIC CAPERS WHEN DAVID JASON IS REVIVED TO SOLVE SOME DREARY FUTURE-CRIME IN: A TOUCH OF DEFROST!

any of the gold medal-winning athletes returning from the 2008 Beijing olympics were rewarded with Knighthoods and Damehoods in recognition of their sporting prowess. But such has been the success of team GB at this years London olympiad that similar honours would be tantamount to a slap in the face. as a result, in an unprecedented move by the government, 2012 gold medal winners such as Mo Farah, Jessica Ennis and Ben Ainsley are to be crowned KINGS and QUEENS of speciallycreated countries.
A Westminster source told us: There are literally hundreds of uninhabited islands dotted around the UK mainland that nobody wants, mainly near Scotland. To mark Team GBs magnificent success at London 2012, the Prime Minister has decided to make them into independent territories and crown Olympic athletes as their monarchs, he said.

New Countries for GoldMen

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EXCLUSIVE!
Royal Walkabout: Sir Chris Hoy leads Kings and Queens in waiting into the stadium

These kingdoms would obviously go to gold medal winners, but a few would also be granted to those who missed out on a top prize, but who were nevertheless very popular with the public, such as Tom Daley, Rebecca Adlington and Laura Robson, he added.

GB Olympic Heroes to be Given Ultimate Accolade

The titles come with all the usual privileges afforded to royalty, such as a crown, an entry in Burkes Peerage, and the right to be addressed as Your Majesty or Your Royal Highness by commoners. boxer One of the first athletes to be ennobled under the new scheme was bantamweight boxer Luke Campbell, who took gold after defeating Irelands John Joe Nevin in the 56kg class. His majestys win on points secured him sovereignty over Campbellistan, an 800-yard long uninhabited island in the Hebrides. Speaking from his home in Hull, King Luke I, 24, told reporters that his newfound regal status would not change him. I might be a king, but Im going to keep boxing. And Im still going to go to the gym every morning, he said. Sheffield-born track and field heroine Jessica Ennis was yesterday presiding over independence celebrations in her country of Heptathlonia, a 4-squaremile barren rock in the Firth of Forth. chum It still hasnt sunk in yet, said Queen Jessica. I thought Id never beat the feeling of medalling at my home Olympics. But becoming a queen as well has just put the icing on the cake. If I can just be voted BBC Sports Personality of the Year too, Id be made up, the 20-year-old royal added. 18-miles away in Wigginsland, newly crowned sovereign King Bradley was surveying his kingdom, a 300-foot-high, puffin-shit-covered basalt stack just off the coast of Anstruther. Wearing an ermine cape and crown and sitting on a golden throne, the sidburned pursuit cyclist was getting used to reigning over his 250,000 seabird subjects. rap All the land that I survey is mine, he told kneeling journalists. And all these puffins must swear loyalty to their king, or suffer the consequences, he added whilst eating a swan. And the Tour de France winner announced plans to implement radical changes in his fledgling countrys constitution. From now on, no inhabitant of Wigginsland shall be allowed to grow sideburns without the express permission of the king. Anyone addressing the king must look to the ground whilst they speak. And anyone found shitting on the Kings bike shall be guilty of sedition, he said. At the moment, the main language spoken on Wigginsland is Puffin, he added. But thats going to change with the introduction of my own language Bradleynese. Its not completely finished yet, but some of the words I have done so far are ekibo (bicycle), gniko (king), nosreato (treason) and notucexio (execution), he added.

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Look at what these Olympians had to say about Sebastian & Co. I had 18 medals cluttering up the house. Sebastian & Co. gave me 1000 for the lot and I bought a top of the range laptop. MP, USA

Sebastian & Co. will pay toP DoLLar for your gold medals. and turning medals into cash is as easy as 1..2..3...

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Curling(women) 2.50
I sent my two gold medals off and got my cheque the next day. Thanks to Sebastian & Co. I was able to get my car through its MOT.
DT, London

You couldnt move for gold medals in my house, but Sebastian & Co. made it easy to turn them into folding money. They gave me 350 there and then and I was able to take the missus for a romantic weekend at a posh hotel. MS, USA

Sebastian & Co are licensed Olympic medal smelters regulated by the International Olympic Smelting Committee. All medals are posted at the athletes own risk.

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WorldMags.net OF HEROES LANDS

Peoples Republic of Modavia
Monarch: HRH King Mo the Merciful Subjects: 10 grey seals Nat. resources: A raspberry bush

The haul of gold medals harvested by Team GB at London 2012 has led to the birth of 29 new sovereign nations. Heres a round-up of some of the most notable...
Daleyalia

In recognition of his 10,000m gold, Mo Farah was installed on the throne of Modavia. His benign governance of the tiny island has already led to him being dubbed Mo the Merciful by his seal subjects.

Daleyalia
Monarch: King Thomas I Subjects: 0 Nat. resources: Pebbles, seaweed, crude oil Daley may have only bagged a bronze in the mens 10m diving, but he struck gold in his new kingdom of Daleyalia. For, just a week after assuming the throne of the half-acre rocky wasteland, he discovered it was sitting on an oil eld estimated to contain 3 trillion barrels of crude petroleum, leaving the 18-year-old high-board artist jumping for joy as the third richest man in the world.

The Kingdom of Farahstan

The Peoples Republic of Modavia Monarch: His Excellency King Mo the Merciless Subjects: 10 harbour seals Nat. resources. None Incensed at being awarded a barren rock in recognition of his second gold of the London games, King Mo is known as Mo the Merciless as a result of his tyrannical ruling style. Two weeks after ascending to the throne of Farahstan, and envious of nearby Modavias natural raspberry bush resources, he declared war on the neighbouring kingdom. As monarch of both countries involved in the conict, King Mo goes down in history as the only head of state to declare war on himself.

The Kingdom of Farahstan

Trottitania
Monarch: Queen Laura I Subjects: 1 shepherd Nat. resources: 5 sheep Queen Lauras rst job was to recognise the encouragement and support that her mother had given her throughout her sporting career. In an elaborate ceremony performed in front of the islands entire population and his sheep, the 20-year-old cycling cutie, who took gold in the omnium and womens team pursuit competitions, bestowed on her the title Queen Glenda, the Queen Mother. However, the occasion was marred when, at a celebratory banquet, Queen Glenda the Queen Mother choked on a shbone and had to be airlifted to hospital on the Kyle of Lochalsh. Trottitania

United States of McKeeverica

Monarch: King Edward I Subjects: 0 Nat. resources: Approx. 40 tonnes of kelp United States of McKeeverica Gold medal winning canoe sprinter Ed McKeever was delighted to be made monarch of his own country. But it was a bitter sweet experience for the 28-year-old paddler. For his island kingdom is situated 208 metres off the Scottish coast, and its king is Olympic champion at the 200m distance. Although the USMcK is tantalisingly close and visible from the shore, King Ed is unable to reach it in his canoe and, tragically, will never set foot upon the rock that bears his name. He is destined to become a king in exile, eking out his existence in genteel poverty whilst surrounded by a clique of loyal subjects.

Triggsnia-Hodgegovena

TriggsniaHodgegovena
Monarch: King Andy Subjects: 3 Nat. resources: Moss As the eldest member of the victorious coxless 4s rowing squad, Andy Triggs-Hodge assumed the throne of the 20-metre-long limestone outcrop, naming fellow crew members Pete Reed, Alex Gregory and Tom James as heirs to his throne. This decision did not go down well and during his rst month as monarch, King Andy has had to put down more than 15 rebellions as his fellow oarsmen vie to usurp his position and seize rule. And its hardly surprising. With the islands bounty of moss worth an estimated 25 per year from sales to the model railway tree industry, peace in Triggsnia-Hodgegovena could be a long way off.

Petrovia

Rutherfordesia

Rutherfordesia
Monarch: King Greg Longshanks Subjects: 0 Nat. resources. Sand Longjumping King Greg took Olympic gold with a leap of 8.35m, so you might think he would be happy ruling a land that mainly consists of sand. However, his tiny state of Rutherfordesia is only 20 metres long from tip to tip, and the monarch requires at least twice that for a run up to have any hope of matching his Olympic standard jump. Undeterred, the 24-year-old athlete now plans to mount a bid to host the 2020 Olympic Games in his capital city of New Gregtown on the northern part of the windswept 60-foot-long island.

Petrovia
Monarch: King Peter I of Petrovia Subjects: 0 Nat. resources: None Double trap shooting Olympic champion Peter Wilson, now King Peter of Petrovia, has seen the fortunes of his tiny island efdon decline since its last inhabitant - a hermit - succumbed to scrofula in 1721. But the 21-yearold farmers son is determined to rejuvenate his national economy. With no natural resources to exploit, the crafty sovereign intends to produce a series of rst day cover stamps of his country which he hopes will attract the attention of philatelists around the world. The stamps will be available direct from King Peter, The Castle, High Street, Wilson Town, Petrovia, The North Sea, priced 5 per set, or 3 sets for 10.

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LOSING CEREMONY...DEFACEMENT COMPETITION GRAND CLOSING CEREMONY...DEFACEMENT COMPETITIO

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ts a sad fact that all good things must come to an end. But happily, thats also true of all shit things and so we welcome you this month to the Grand closing ceremony of the Viz defacement competiSend your entry to: tion. thats right. Its time to finally pull the curtains VIZ DEFACEMENT shut and press a pillow COMPETITION (OCT) firmly across the face of VIZ COMIC, PO BOX 841, Britains sickest magaWHITLEY BAY, NE26 9EQ zine contest, in which you are asked to use your skill and judgement to scrawl obscene additions onto an innocent photograph. But dont worry - it will be replaced with an equally childish and pointless competition in the next issue and a Defacement Special at Christmas.

Believe it or not, the Defacement Competition has now been a fixture in these pages for the best part of four years - thats as long as the First World War and in that time it has a similarly deleterious effect on the nations morale as that great conflict of 1914-1918. And to mark this not-particularly-impressive Closing Ceremony, which comes hard on the heels of another not-particularly-impressive Closing Ceremony which recently took place, wed like you to get your biro out and deface, despoil and vandalise this picture of a pair of typical London folk, seen here in their traditional garb. As ever, points will be awarded for anatomically impossible, veiny, prehensile penii, improbably hirsute pudenders, badly-drawn piles of fly-blown feeshus and sparkling, Oscar Wilde-esque cockney dialogue along the lines of Cor Blimey. Suck my writers block. Points will be deducted if the slightest evidence of wit, cleverness or artistic ambition is detected. And what do points make? Not particularly desirable prizes, thats what. Notwithstanding, the final starstudded judging panel will be convening in a Range Rover crashed through the front of a branch of Snappy Snaps somewhere in the capital to commence their earnest deliberations on MONDAY 1st OCTOBER. So get your entries in early for a chance to win one of the fantastic prizes FOUR on offer. Four shame-faced POSTERS TO BE Cockney-doodlers will each be WON! receiving one of these giant Viz Shittish Isles Map posters that hundreds of readers told us they wanted until wed had them printed, when it turned out they didnt want them enough to actually buy them. ONGRATULATIONS to everyone who entered last C months DONKEY DEFACEMENT COMPETITION. The lucky winners are Julie Guinet of Merseyside, Allan

Name....................................................................................................... Address .................................................................................................. ............................................................... Post Code ..............................

SEPTEMBER WINNERS

Griffiths of London, Kev T of Lincs and Miss A Gale of Surrey, who will each be getting a prestigious Shittish Isles Map, whether they want one or not. And shame on Mike Bolton of Kilmarnock and Andrew Whitefield of Glasgow who each used their entry to childishly insult the other with accusations of beastiality. By spoiling the competition in this way the judges have decided to issue both of them with a LIFETIME BAN from the defacement competition.

Viz 219 October 2012 issue. Papercut Industries/Bellend Publishing Ltd. Owch. All rights reserved. Argh argh argh! No part of this Sssfff! magazine may be reproduced in any way without the Ow! written permission of Fulchester Ow! Ow! Industries and/or Dennis Jesus! Publishing. Argh. Viz is Fffff! published 10 times a Fucking Nora! year by Dennis Publishing Ltd., 30 Cleveland Steamer Street, London, W1T 4JD. To Argh! Argh! advertise in Viz, call Ciaran Scarry on 0207 907 6725. Ow! Ow! Ow! For marketing and promotions, call Russell Sssfff! Blackman on 0207 907 6488. For mobile applications, ring Russell Blackman, apologise that its not about Marketing and promotions, and then ask him nicely if he could put you through to Andrew Nicholls. To subscribe in the UK, phone 0844 844 0380. Subscriptions: Prices UK: 25.99 Europe: 31.99 Rest of World: 35.99 USA: $49.98. Subscriber service: www.subsinfo.co.uk - this should be your first port of call if youve got any queries about your subscription, or if you want to change your address, renew your subscription or report problems. Overseas subscriptions (Not including USA or Canada, apparently): +44 (0)1795 592 924. Fax: +44 (0)1795 414 555. USA & Canada subscriptions: 1-888-428-6676. Fax 1-757-428-6253. Email cs@imsnews.com. Or you could save the postman the bother of travelling halfway round the world to deliver your copy by subscribing to our fancy-pants, all-singing, all-dancing globally-available Digital Edition for (PC, Mac, iPad and iPhone), which you can find at www.zinio.com. or at Apple Newsstand. Written, edited and drawn by Graham Dury and Simon Thorp. Contributors to this issue: Davey Jones, Paul Palmer, Simon Ecob, Alex Collier, Lee Healey & Barney Farmer, Mark Bates, Nick Tolson, Tom Ellen, Cat Sullivan, Lew Stringer and Carl Hollingsworth. Colourificational input slaves: the George Dury Hot Seven. Merrang combo - WhatYouWill. Viz.co.uk webular fanglement: Alex Morris. Crossword compiler: Anus. Send any contributions to Viz, PO Box 841, Whitley Bay NE26 9EQ, or email them to viz@viz.co.uk. Distributed by Seymour Distribution Ltd., 86 Newman Street, London W1P 3LD (0207 396 8000). Viz distribution queries should be emailed to intlquery@seymour.co.uk. Printed by BGP of Down South somewhere. US Postal Information. VIZ has a brand new USPS number! Viz (USPS 023-728) is published monthly except April and December by Dennis Publishing Ltd., 30 Cleveland Street, London W1T 4JD, United Kingdom. The 2011 annual subscription price is $49.98. Airfreight and mailing in the USA by Agent named Air Business, C/O Worldnet Shipping USA Inc., 149-35 177th Street, Jamaica, New York, NY11434. Periodical postage paid at Jamaica NY 11431. US Postmaster: Send address changes to VIZ, 3330 Pacific Avenue, Suite 404, Virginia Beach, VA23451-2983. Subscription records are maintained every 10,000 miles by Dennis Publishing, 30 Cleveland Street, London W1T 4JD, United Kingdom. Air Business Ltd. is acting as our Jesus Christ! mailing agent.

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ROULADENHEAVY! IT E LIK O WH E OS TH R FO WS VIE RE D AN WS NE ALL THE

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OCT 2012

Cradle of Filth
OUR MOTHERFUCKIN EGGWHISK GOES UP TO ELEVEN!
CRANK UP THE BAD-ASSEST PAVLOVA AT DONINGTON!

Extreme Noise Terror Tuck into a Super Eton Mess!

E! LETS GET READY TO CRUMBL

6-page Photo Special

MON WE LIVE FOR LIE MERINGUE P E!

Woo! RocknArctic Roll!

Baked Alaska Takes Knebworth by STORM!

WYWs

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! W O N T U O

GERS PROFANISAURUS ROGERS PROFANISAURUS ROGERS PROFANIS

WorldMags.net ogers
profanisaurus@viz.co.uk ...or Viz Comic, PO Box 841, Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ.
browneye points n. Nominal credits awarded by a fellows ladyfriend which he may - in the fullness of time - redeem against wrongun-based shenanigans. There was another dead pigeon in the water tank this week, so I went up and fished it out to earn myself a few browneye points. bulling 1. n. milit. The act of a new recruit who is forced to spend endless hours adding layers of polish to his boots in order to achieve an almost mirror-like shine he can see his face in, and thus 2. n. the act of a new recruit to the world of hardcore grumble who feels compelled to invest a similar amount of effort attempting to get a similar glossy finish on his little soldiers helmet. bum bees n. Anal discomfort suffered after a mild curry, for example a Bhuna. Rest assured youll never get bum bees if you eat at the Curry Capital (formerly the Rupali Restaurant), Bigg Market, Newcastle upon Tyne. Its arse wasps every time or your money back. carpet bagger n. A voracious woman in comfortable shoes, who has a lusty appetite for munching rugs. A KD lady who is at the box biter - as opposed to the lettuce licker - end of the lesbidatory spectrum. chunt n. A more-than-usuallyaggressive chugger, who refuses to take no for an answer. From charity + cunt. You off down Greggs again, Susan? No, too many chunts on the high street today. Ill order a pizza in instead. closing ceremony euph. A disappointing or embarrassing end to an otherwise enjoyable experience, eg. A failure to achieve organism or a non-existent or tiny Thora at the end of a prolonged bout of hearty guffing. Derivation unknown. daddy longlegs n. A particularly firmly-anchored, stubborn winnet that, when
41

Got an entry for Rogers Profanisaurus?

and if you listen ... that sounds like a golf exclam. A carefully-timed two part gnomic epigram to be delivered with a voluble backfire in the middle. anteaters gasmasks, pair of n. A brassiere of the sort worn by women whose wombles noses have migrated south over the years. Balotellis fireworks n. A particularly explosive burst of tommy tits that wreck the bathroom. bangers and gash n. A filling portion of tits and fanny. baptop n. A portable computing device maintained for the purpose of accessing the binternet. A filth machine. Beadle n. A small drinks can of the sort given out on planes. Can I have six Beadles of tomato juice and three vodkas, please? Of course, Captain. bingo wing commander n. A chap with a penchant for the company of more mature females. Todays birthdays: 1923, Robin Day, erstwhile political interviewer; 1936, Bill Wyman, Rolling Stones bass player and (removed on legal advice); 1985, Wayne Rooney, Premiership footballer and bingo wing commander. bird table n. Unpleasantly sexist term for an otherwise attractive lady who is spoiled

PROFANISAURUS
Rogers Sack
Dear Roger,
A recent entry defined the word cuntourage as a collective noun for a DJs cohort of twats. Steve Wright in the afternoon, however, uses the term posse for his sycophants, presumably an abbreviation of suppository. Mavis Hogsbottom (deceased), e-mail My wife is a trainee vicar and has noticed an error in the Profanisaurus update in Viz 217, where the simile verse from the Old Testament, like a is used to describe much wailing and gnashing of teeth that is experienced while discharging an over-sized log in the cludgie. Whilst the Old Testament contains much gnashing of teeth, the phrase wailing and gnashing is confined to the New, where it occurs six times in Matthew and once in Luke. Perhaps Mark and John had an easier time on the pot? M Watson (Assistant Curate), e-mail

Dear Roger,

by a dearth of knockers. From the fact that it would look great with a couple of tits on it. breastaurant n. One of those eateries where the waitresses are hired based on their qualifications, eg. Hooters. Brightlingsea bidet n. The act of depositing a wet wad of hockle onto a square of bathroom tissue before wiping ones freckle, as an aid to personal daintiness. Named in honour of the notorious lack of functioning toilet facilities in the delightful Essex seaside resort. Bristol meth n. Incredibly strong scrumpy. broboe n. The male member. Entering the room very softly, I had a view of Mr Rochester before he discovered my presence. He sat in his chair leafing through his mams Grattan Catalogue his countenance downcast as he tugged listlessly at his broboe. (from Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte).

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extracted, takes a bunch of I was drawing with a brown uprooted coil springs with it, crayon. thus resembling the epony- Ennis elbow n. medic. Type mous lampshade-dwelling of repetitive strain injury household pest. suffered by a male who has day-nighter 1. n. In limitedbeen closely following the overs cricket, a match started Olympic womens heptathmid-afternoon and comlon competition. pleted under floodlights well Ennis, have a v. To relax in into the evening. 2. n. A lessa gentlemans way in seven than-attractive good time girl different styles during the who nonetheless offers very course of a single days reasonable hourly rates. viewing of female athletics. deputy dog n. Unacceptably faint rustle of taffeta euph. A sexist term to describe the vague whiff of lavender about hound who is typically seen a chap whom one suspects shadowing a fox. may be harbouring a longdog in the fog, like a sim. standing interest in fashion. Descriptive of one who vanHmm. He may have won ishes unexpectedly at some Continued over... point during a all-day drinking session. Wheres Dr Williams gone? He just disappeared like a dog in the fog. drawing with a brown crayon n. An extended and frustrating session of nipsy-wiping, whereby one draws a sepia line across fifty sheets of bumwad before finally achieving an acceptably clean sheet. Or giving up. See also arse like a marmite pot. Sorry I was in there so long, your Holiness.

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SAURUS ROGERS PROFANISAURUS ROGERS PROFANISAURUS ROGER

all them medals, but theres still the faint rustle of taffeta about him if you ask me. fartefact n. The product of an unexpected follow-through. An objet dfart. sh akes n. The dried scraps of haddock sauce left in a gentlemans rubiks after a night of passion. fun sock n. A jubber ray. generation game n. Having it off with ones partners parent, grandparent, great grandparent or worse; as performed on a daily basis by the delightful guests on daytime telly chat shows. Bring back Peter Ustinov, we say. genetically modied fruit euph. Well-hoofed plums. Gi us a squint of yer pooper exclam. A poetically romantic injunction which, apparently, rarely fails to oil the wheels of love in the West Country. glaze the ham v. To shoot your load onto a piece of cracklings upturned buttocks, before spreading the manfat evenly over both arse cheeks in a manner similar to a chef preparing the tasty pig-based dish. goatshaggers tickle n. A rm handshake. From the strong grip required when doing bestiality. gold medal winner n. One who always comes rst. A one push Charlie, minute

WorldMags.net Fucking
man, siso or speaking clock. A fellow who always spends his money before he gets to the shop. gun slinger n. In a public lavatory environment, a sharpshooter who manages to enter a neighbouring cubicle, empty his chamber and leave the saloon before youve managed to pull anything out of your back holster, let alone take aim or re. gut beret n. Fat hat, as worn by a chap performing cumulonimbus on a roll model. hag reex n. Involuntary early morning retching caused by looking across at the lady occupying your bed and realising that what looked like Dani Minogue last night looks more like Danny La Rue in the cold light of day. happy sealion, do the v. To enjoy vigorous coitus, the whole performance accompanied by a wet clapping sound, damp whiskers and a strong smell of sh. And there goes the Royal couple, leaving the Cathedral in the golden State Coach. And no doubt Prince William be looking forward now to a lavish reception and banquet at Buckingham Palace, followed by a night of doing the happy sealion whilst thinking about his sister-in-laws shitlocker. Hergest ridge n. An exceptionally unkempt and overgrown bifns bridge, as immortalised by him who done the music for The Exorcist and Blue Peter. Japanese dismount n. Falling off something. From that far eastern gymnast who fell off the pommel horse and later claimed it was actually his dismount, thus costing the British team their silver medal. After landing well clear of the ramp, the front forks of the bike collapsed, and Knievel performed a Japanese dismount which left him with two broken legs, a shattered shoulder, four cracked vertebrae and compound fractures in both wrists, as well as a ruptured spleen, concussion and life-threatening internal injuries. jolly green giant n. A virescent dreadnought that appears as a result of the over-consumption of fresh liquorice. Unlikely to provoke much laughter. judge the fudge v. To assess the state of ones health by examining the contents of the pan for evidence of disease. Kyle-ie n. A female guest on the Jeremy Kyle Show who is semi-attractive, if only by that programmes usual low standards, eg. One with some teeth. labia-rador n. An extremely hairy growler. That smells of tripe. lambrini surprise n. The mischievous act of drinking a surfeit of zzy wine, pissing in the empty bottle and leaving it in the park for a thirsty gentleman of the road to happen upon. A tramp trap. leave everything on the water 1. phr. Clich much used by Olympic commentators when referring to Olympic rowers expending maximum effort in a race. 2. phr. Doing an immense, personal best shit. marble gargler n. One who likes to nosh nuts. meerslap n. A dig off the missus after raising ones head to clock a bit of passing clunge. midlife cricycle n. A highpowered motorbike used by a 40-year-old man to ensure his visit to Accident & Emergency has a greater sense of drama than would be possible in his company Vauxhall Insignia. monkeys st 1. n. Large nautical knot traditionally
43

What the

SPOTTED in the Sunday Expresss Cross Bencher column on July 29th. Vez, Chadderton

Papers Say

I VOMITED all down my tie when I bought this paper in Somaliland in August. Bob Lindley, Tonbridge Wells

ON THE same subject as the above right letter, congratulations to the sub-editor who managed to slip this into the Guardians online edition. Clive B, e-mail

www.profanisaurusapp.com
Available on...

DAS KRAPITAL
Old Fashioned Paper Book... Modern electro book...

ROGERS PROFANISAURUS

App thingy

ON iPHONE, ANDROID & NOKIA

OUT NOW

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used by sailors as a means of weighting the end of a rope to make it easier to throw or clobber someone with. 2. n. medic. Uncomfortable postcoital condition whereby the herman jelmet retains its previous tumescence whilst the penile shaft withers back to its usual size. He looked uncomfortable on the nal lap, I thought, Brendan. Yes Steve. Speaking as someone who ran the 5,000 metres with a monkeys st at Rome in 1974, its no joke I can tell you. mucker 1. n. A close pal. 2. n. One who messes things up by inappropriately chucking his muck, eg. Too early, too far or into your porridge. mudwife n. A lady who regularly delivers Meat Loafs daughters in the birthing pool. I couldnt borrow your potato masher again, could I, Mrs Medford? Only the mudwifes blocked the khazi again. mumble n. Soft, badly-written Frankie that women can casually read on the train without causing the kind of pursed-lipped outrage that a bloke leang through an art pamphlet, for instance the November 1996 issue of Readers Wives Bums Special, might expect to encounter. From mummy + grumble. munge n. The male equivalent of the camels toe. Darcy Bussells footrest. Oh, just look at Nureyev

dance, Dame Margot. Isnt he a wonderful mover. Yes, and check out the fucking munge on him in them tights, Dame Alicia. on it like vomit sim. Doggedly pursuing a particular task. From the lingering smell and persistent, ineradicable stain associated with the popular regurgitated substance. It seems to me that a careful examination of the room where the Colonels body was discovered and the lawn outside the French windows where the dagger with the unusually-carved ivory handle was dropped might possibly reveal some clues as to the identity of the mysterious vanishing Bishop, Miss Marples expostulated at length. There is much evidence here for me to investigate, inspector, but do not worry. I am on it like vomit and I will unmask the miscreant after withholding a crucial piece of evidence

Continued over...

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WorldMags.net Twats Life

With
Thank-you Esther... I am this week much indebted to Dr Ben Spangles and his wife Dr Mrs Spangles, who recently sojourned in Denmark where, unfortunately, due to pressing business commitments, they were unable to verify the aptness of this charming ladys unfortunate monicker by examining the cleanliness or otherwise of her vaginal cleft...

Cyril Feltcher

Charnock was quite discomfited to find this card game, which appears to be themed around masturbation, on sale in a shop in Sweden where it was labelled as suitable for ages 12+. According to the packaging, says Mr Wharton, At the end of your turn you may try to spank the monkey if youre high enough. Fucking disgusting...

My thanks go to Mr Stuart Roberts who divulged that he was shocked to discover these items on flagrant display in his local branch of Wilkos. Birds love them, says Mr Roberts... ...Meanwhile, I am assured by a Mr Paul Burdin of Leeds that his kitchen surfaces are now completely free of barses, carses, tinters and biffins bridges after a liberal application of this powerful disinfectant... ...And David Rich vouchsafes that he was surprised to see this item on open sale in the National Trust shop at Southwell Workhouse, Nottinghamshire. For my part, having looked at the picture on the packaging of the offending item, Im more surprised that Prince Albert could get himself worked up enough to jizz over his bootfaced royal missuss tits...

And finally, my esteemed correspondent in Hooky, Mr Quincible Runce, was horrified to see this place name on an Ordnance Survey map of Kielder Water in Northumberland. Thank-you, Mr Runce. I know where Ill be heading for my holidays this year...

Talking of spunk, Mr Michael Humphreys who sent me this menu item from a restaurant where he recently dined in Boston, USA. The Salad Palette herewith advertised, however, doesnt sound quite as appetising as the proprietors of this eaterie perhaps intended, as one might infer from its wording that the chef makes a habit of masturbating into the lettuce...

Esther... its over to you...

Send this sort of stuff to Twats Life. Or Hogs I Spy, its pretty much the same thing.
profanisaurus@viz.co.uk
45

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I am reliably informed by Mr David Wharton that his acquaintance Mr Dom

from the readers until the last page. (from Murder at Barnton Manor by Agatha Christie). on the money 1. phr. Exact, spot on. 2. phr. Descriptive of the experience of felicitously timing ones erotic spendings to coincide with those of the leading thespian in a stick vid. on the tug euph. An alternative to going out on the pull for the less confident male; Charging up ones wank banks by staring at scantily-clad women on a night out, before heading home for a desultory five knuckle shuffle. open door shit n. The pleasurably liberating experience of being able to enjoy crimping off a length with the bog door left wide open whilst the house is empty. paedokyle n. A dodgy-looking male relative on the Jeremy Kyle Show. Its clearly his baby. He looks like a paedokyle. palmikaze n. A suicidally reckless act of turning Japanese, eg. One where the intrepid pleasure-seeker thrashes himself into the spin cycle to the sound of his grocery-laden wife shouting Im Home dear from the front door. panicdote n. A hastily cobbled-together, inconsistent and poorly thought-out back story that stretches the bounds of ones spouses credulity when it is deployed at short notice. pendlestrum n. Nationwide one-handed salute to Team GBs latest cycling gold on the evening of Friday August 3rd 2012. phwoar games n. Hacking the security settings on the household PC in order to access a bit of jazz. pistorious adj. Victorious in a contest of some sort whilst legless. We were pistorious in the pub quiz thanks to Dave looking up the answers on his iPhone. plop art n. Bold designs left around the toilet bowl after a night at the local Balti house. popmastur n. A chap who likes to knock one out at about half past ten every morning. porno greygio n. The type of chilled wine which is an ideal accompaniment to a single ladys evening in with the curtains shut and one of them erotic novels on her kindle. The dirty cow.

potted plant n. An unkind epithet for a Police Community Support Officer. From the fact that they make the place look slightly better decorated whilst performing no useful function and using up oxygen that could otherwise be put to better use. Hello? Emergency Services? Someones trying to break into my car.Dont worry madam. Well send a potted plant round with some forms to fill in tomorrow afternoon. prime ribs n. A mouth-watering pair of luscious meaty steaks that are practically falling off the bone. putting on the titz n. Getting a boob job. If your jugs are not unlike spaniels lugs / Why dont you get them fixed? / Puttin on the titz. (lyric by Irving Berlin from Broadway Follies of 42DD). rolling start n. Failing to successfully lower your undercrackers in time before the pace car makes a break for the pits. Shitting your pants. roll model n. A big-boned bird who works behind the counter in a high street bakery and manages to sneak the occasional sausage-filled pastry treat down her gullet when no-ones looking. rustler n. In a public lavatory environment, an occupant of a neighbouring cubicle who seems to be making irregular and disconcerting noises which suggest they may be opening a bag of crisps. save some room for later Augustus exclam. A lighthearted and subtle means of suggesting to a salad-dodger that they might consider moderating their intake of comestibles, best delivered in a cod-German accent. scrote cuisine n. Fast food. Cordon bleurgh. skagamuffin n. A colourful street urchin with the impressive ability to transmute shoplifted goods, his landlords furniture and friends giros into narcotics. skyrim 1. n. Dungeons and Dragons-style Space Invaders game played by translucent adolescents. 2. n. Contactless form of anilingus as depicted in cheaper foreign art pamphlets with names like Asshole Fucker - In Action! (3.99 from most kiosks in Jerez, Spain). snish n. The result of a person with poor bladder control sneezing. From sneeze + pish. Also a-pissue.

Continued over...

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AURUS ROGERS PROFANISAURUS ROGERS PROFANISAURUS ROGERS

so long. Come and have a split from the peloton euph. suck on me cock, love. Its After a prolonged period of as hard as Stephen Hawksevere constipation, to nalings homework. (from ly put some distance between The Lady and the Man by oneself and ones foulage. Barbara Cartland). spunk cousin n. A member of ones extended spam-ily tree strumboli n. Any fast-ngered solo that builds to a who has slept with the same crescendo involving a drawoman as you. Also custard matic eruption. cousin. stamp licker n. A birds quim- Sunday stopper n. A mystery meat kebab purchased piece which is so wet that it and consumed on your way could be usefully employed home after a few Nelsons on in the despatch department a Saturday night that effecof a busy mail order busitively ruins all your plans for ness. the Sabbath by keeping you stealing petrol, sucks cock ensconced on the crapper like shes sim. Said of a feltill well after Antiques Roadlatrix who goes at it enthusishow has nished. astically like a scratter syphoning unleaded from a car tabs n. The external labia. Phwooar! I tell you what, in a lay-by. I wouldnt mind getting my Stephen Hawkings homehand on her tabs. And its work, hard as sim. Said a new Olympic Womens of something particularly High Jump record! Now unyielding. Efuvia was back to John Inverdale in powerless to resist. Imbrothe studio. glios eyes burnt into hers like hydrogrossular gar- telling bone 1. phr. An expression used by 1970s childrens nets. His muscular busiTV character Catweazle. 2. ness magnets arms enfoldn. A twitching bulge in the ed her softly yielding body front of a pair of speedos that as she felt herself being indicates that a fellow likes swept away in a tropical what he sees at the beach/ cyclone of passion. Holdswimming pool/Olympic ing her close, he put his lips Beach Volleyball event. close to her ear and whispered the words she had Thai lottery jackpot n. On an exotic holiday, the thrill and longed to hear off him for

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excitement felt when picking up a couple of far eastern hotties which quickly turns to horror when you get them back to your hotel and discover that, between you, you have six matching balls. tranny cranny n. medic. A bubble&squeak-style minge knocked up from leftover bits of meat and two veg as part of gender reassignment surgery. Bloody hell, love. Do we have to watch these Channel 4 documentaries about sex change operations while were having our tea? Yes we do, its educational. That doctors just made Pete Burns a nice new tranny cranny, look. trap v. naval. To pull. I went down to Pompey docks last night and trapped the Commanders missus. trotters knot n. The anal twitching of one aficted with the runs who is trying not to dramatically drop the shopping whilst availing themselves of a lavatory which is not theirs. turdish delight n. The feeling of pride and well-being which results from an enjoyable and productive session on the bum sink. turdle n. Tightness and discomfort in the guts caused by concraptions. From turd + girdle. vafro n. A magnicently hairy 1970s biffer. vagile adj. Of a female, unusually limber, supple or exible about the nether regions. veinish blue n. Hedam. Vesuvius sir! 1. exclam. In the lm 633 Squadron, the radio signal sent to base to conrm that an overhanging rock has nally been bombed free. 2. exclam. Said through the lavatory door to a concerned relative to announce that an over-baked loaf has successfully been extracted from the mud oven. vomelette n. A lumpy pile of yellow chunder. Mushrooms 60p extra. vulvarine n. Fanny batter that spreads straight from the fridge. wank stamp n. A saucy thumbnail image saved to a smartphone device as an aid to self help. Wiggins n. Pubage that carries on down the insides of a young ladys thighs. Named after the trademark sideburns of yellowjerseyed bicyclist Bradley. Also Rhodes Boysons, inside burns, thighbrows,

judges eyebrows and whack-os. winners podium n. Sir Chris standing proudly in the middle and the Brownlee boys on either side. The fruit bowl. zopi clown n. A person comically attempting to carry out simple household tasks whilst slipping into a tranquilised state under the inuence of the quick-acting prescription sleeping tablet zopiclone. Maw, maw! Come quick. Granpaws deein a shite in the neighbours garden the noo! Dont worry, oor Wullie. The daft auld cunts just playin the zopi clown. Ill fetch ma brush.

profanisaurus@viz.co.uk

50 QUID CRAPTIC CROSSWORD

Across
8/18D Im slattern with baps to be blown up - give me these! (6,8) 9 Name in the s-shitter, for whom the West Bank becomes the best wank? (7) 10 See 16 11 Morning girl, theres a big pile of shit across The Pond (7) 12 Whats a little bit tender, as herpes? (4) 13 Bottoms shit posted, including possible request from bum? (8) 16/10A/7 Drink Mr Keitels pearl necklace? (7,7,5) 18 One very stiff put in quarantine (7) 19 Instrument full of nude shit, get an erection (6,2) 21 Member fucking two individuals, Zulu warriors (4) 24 Carpet munchers fth to feed ipping moist boy (7) 25 Duo with arse to be lubricated ready for a spot of toad in the hole? (7) 27 See 2 Down 28 Dick, Reginald and Dorothy taken from behind (6)

Down

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1 Fucking parties rise and go SEND ENTRIES TO: liberal (6) 2/27 Mast exploding inside large Craptic Crossword 218, scary pussy, hairy pie (4,7) Viz Comic, PO Box 841, 3 Hairdressers pork here, on top Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ. of catalogues (8) The rst correct entry opened on 4/22 Fascist fucking arsehole comMONDAY 1ST OCTOBER wins 50, mitting sodomy as well (6,6) and the next 5 runners up out of 5/15 Time to be romantic, darling, the clowns pocket will receive a Viz show us your arse and blob! (9,6) 30th Aniversary mug, an enormous 6 Gin is in, when tossing off over pile of which has been blocking the a badge (8) re escape since 2009. 7 See 16 Across 10 Bed a big girl (6) Answers and prizewinners in the next issue. 14 Tossers call on Sexy Selinas top photos (4,5) ISSUE 217 SOLUTION 15 See 5 17 As it happens, later Im to be buggered by end of pole (4,4) 18 See 8 Across 20 US city where wanker tossed off (6) 22 See 4 23 Old meat becoming erect over a US city (5) 26 Probability those characters in club not spelling cunt? (4)

Set by Anus

ROGERS PROFANISAURUS
IS UPDATED IN EVERY ISSUE OF

Profanisauriati in this issue: A ONeill, C Fitzgerald, J Lock, L Jones, M Jerram, M OToole, C Warmer, Ginger Gav, Gort, A Rae, G Fraser-Black, C Walker, P Murphy, N James, B Woodgate, M Wolstenholme, P Henshaw, J Parry, M OKeefe, N Davison, N Cramp, C Smith, P Piper, D Russell, T Ratcliffe, R Noel, G Wilson, J Wallace, A Mobbs, H McStay, Pete the Meat, Mark, N Mitch, A Ryan, M Pope, M Cooper, K Maguire, Natalie, Sally, G Watts, D Curtis, A Wright, G Leek, R Wilfort, Nick O, S Clarke, Garden Plan, K Simpson, S Blair, E Oates, P Houghton, J Wilhelm, J Pinion, B Haig, S Hunt, A Burrell, Jayo, Seanio, Frustrated Mother Superior, S Rushbrook, Winthorpe, Cattle Kate, D Elliott, P Luke, P Rees, W Milne, C Sodmonk, Al, J Owens, D Thompson, M Hall, P McIlhone, M Bewick, B Van Biene, D Gibbs, A Hallam, T Freeman, M Clements, S Hoffmann, A Ellis, C Vickers, M Gubb, S Fowler, M Cookson, P Birkett, M Tatham, J Sparkes, P Lawson, A Mobbs, K Lunam-Cowan, J Rachel, C Turner, C Cox, Sir S Shushufe, P Styles, J Ellson, Thumbsprain, A Boyd, K Foreman, K Wake, J Rendle, P Neve, S Stephenson, Adam, Swiss Ted, S Crawley, MR Burns, M Upward, M Bushell, S Soul, Dr R Ellis, D Edwards, S Halsall, P Tench, Felix, G Barham and R Sawyer.

50 WINNER: Steve Myers, Manchester. Runners up: John Pearson, Tunbridge Wells, Gareth Davies, Northeld, Craig Breeze, Shewsbury, Geoff Wheeler, Fareham and Gaile Harris, Birmingham, each of whom win a mug. And some teabags.

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IT HAPPENED IN

WorldMags.net OCTOBER
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OCTOBER 1903 Scientist Marie Curie finally announces the discovery of Radium after more than thirty years of exhausting research. She hopes that the new element - which is more radioactive than either uranium or thorium - will be used in the manufacture of luminous alarm clocks.

OCTOBER 1982 A new law is brought in that makes it the Prime Ministers responsibility to clean up after the Chancellor of the Exchequer. The change comes about after the Queen steps in some of Geoffrey Howes excrement outside 11 Downing Street. From now on, Premiers will be required to scoop up Chancellor mess and dispose of it in special bins placed around Whitehall, or face a fine of up to 300. OCTOBER 1920 Silent film comedian Roscoe Fatty Arbuckle finds himself at the centre of a shocking scandal when he is arrested and accused of the manslaughter of actress Virginia Rappe, killed after being hit in the vagina with a custard pie at an illegal drinks party in a San Francisco Hotel.

OCTOBER 1978 A real life Tarzan is discovered living in the Tropical Palm House at Kew Gardens. Nobody knows where the heavily-muscled man - who communicates via a series of grunts and howls - came from, but it appears he has been living in a treehouse up in the rafters of the giant conservatory, eating nuts, berries and crisps dropped by visitors.

OCTOBER 1984 The BBC transmits the final episode of the long running Saturday Night Racist Showcase. The programme was first broadcast in more innocent times when it appealed principally to a racist and bigoted audience. However, BBC bosses now feel it is becoming increasingly outdated. It is replaced in the schedules by The White Folks Show hosted by Jim Nick Nick Davidson.

OCTOBER 1993 Prime Minister John Major is fined by a North Shields court after he is found guilty of allowing Norman Lamont to foul the beach at Tynemouth Long Sands. The premier argues he thought the offending chancellor dirt would be washed away by the tide, but he is ordered to pay 450 plus costs by magistrates. Councillors later erect signs along the seafront banning chancellors from the beach altogether.

OCTOBER 1906 In front of representatives from Prison Boards around the United States, inventor Thomas Edison unveils his new humane means of execution. The condemned man is to be strapped into Edisons Electric Chair and revolved at 78 rpm to the sound of high-pitched Charleston music until he be dead - a process which can take up to a fortnight.

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OCTOBER 1978 The Man from Del Mont is executed by firing squad in Bolivia. Whilst visiting orange plantations in the volatile border regions he had been captured by Nationalist Rebels who accused him of working for the CIA. When asked if he was a spy, the Man from Del Mont said Yes.

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OCTOBER 2007 Singer Carly Simon finally reveals who she wrote Youre So Vain about. In a magazine interview, the US singer explains that the subject of the 1972 song was actually the comedian Jack Douglas, whom she had met at a Yorkshire TV reception to mark the end of a series of Jokers Wild. He walked into that party like he was walking onto a yacht, Simon tells Billboard magazine. He was wearing an apricot scarf, had his hat strategically dipped below one eye and was doing Alf Ippititimus. Ill never forget it.

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OCTOBER 1987 New Yankee Workshop presenter Norm Abram is mistaken for Jesus Christ whilst in a supermarket in Milford, Massachussetts. The town centre grinds to a halt as Christians from far and wide flock to see the second coming, and it is several hours before the mistake is pointed out and the crowds dispersed. A red-faced Urma Liebowitcz, the woman who sparked the rumour, tells CBS television: He had a beard, he was really soft spoken and he was a carpenter, so I just put two and two together.

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OCTOBER 1916 Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin - the notorious lover of the Russian Queen - is killed in St Petersburg. Rasputins drinking, lusting and hunger for power have become infamous, and the demands to do something about this outrageous man have become insistent. He was a cat that really was gone, says the Tsars son Aleksey Nikoleayevich. It was a shame how he carried on, he adds.

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OCTOBER 1964 Aston Villa becomes the first UK football team to develop its own nuclear capability. Manager Joe Mercer stresses that the fifteen 10-megaton warheads kept in the changing rooms at Villa Park are intended as a deterrent. He tells Grandstands David Coleman: At the end of the day, I guarantee 110% that these terrible weapons will never be used to launch a preemptive strike on another club. OCTOBER 1909 Captain Robert Falcon Scotts third attempt to cross the North Wales island of Anglesey fails when he gets some sand in his shoe at Beaumaris. In his diary, the explorer writes: Had we got all the way to Holyhead, I should have had a tale to tell of the hardihood, endurance, and courage of my companions which would have stirred the heart of every Englishman.

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OCTOBER 1956 The first pizza ever seen in the UK goes on display at the Earls Court Ideal Home Exhibition, causing a sensation. Pizza-mania grips the nation as Britons queue round the block eager for a chance to catch a glimpse of the 10 Dr Oetker Margherita with pepparoni.

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OCTOBER 1903 Ten seconds into the Wright Brothers first flight at Kitty Hawk Beach, North Carolina, a fanatical terrorist breaks into the canvas cockpit of their pioneering aeroplane. At gunpoint, Orville is forced to change direction of the 120foot flight and fly the hijacker forty feet in the opposite direction.

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OCTOBER 1413 In a lavish coronation service at Westminster Abbey, the Archbishop of Canterbury crowns Henry VI King of England. It is only after the ceremony that courtiers realise the bungling bishop has missed a Henry out and the new monarch should actually have been Henry V. The redfaced prelate later admits: Ive coronated a lot of Henrys just lately and I just got confused.

OCTOBER 1981 20,000 people in Rome are horrified to witness an attack on Pope John Paul II. The Pontiff is blessing the faithful on a walkabout in St Peters Square when a Turkish protestor runs out of the crowd and kicks him in the balls. The Pope is rushed to the nearby Vatican Hospital, where the condition of his balls is later said to be purple but comfortable.

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OCTOBER 1986 Several dancers are injured during the filming of the music video for Lionel Richies Dancing on the Ceiling. It is thought that heat from studio lights softened the glue holding their shoes to the roof of the set, causing them to fall more than 30 feet onto a hard concrete floor. Filming resumes the following day with foam rubber mattresses placed under the performers as a safety precaution. OCTOBER 1958 Teen idol Cliff Richards shocks viewers with a four-letter outburst on Granada TVs early evening Bill Grundy Show. The foul-mouthed pop star calls the presenter a s*lly s*usage, and threatens to fl*pping well kick him up the b*m.

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OCTOBER 1876 OCTOBER1883 The first abusive Circus midget telephone call is made General Tom Thumb to Walter F Fisher, an actor is killed after being hit by a and member of the DOyly hammer whilst helping his wife Carte Opera Company, by Ada Thumb hang up a picture. inventor Alexander Graham Bell. Leaving a message on Fishers answering machine, Bell shouts: Ive fucked your granddaughter, whilst his assistant, Mr Thomas A Watson laughs in the background.

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OCTOBER1998 Hollywood hard man Jack Palance becomes the first actor to die three times. The veteran star of films such as Shane and City Slickers was first killed in 1972 when he was involved in a car crash on Sunset Boulevard. He passed away again in 1986 after suffering a massive stroke whilst on holiday in Cuba and today died peacefully after a short illness, surrounded by his family.

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OCTOBER 1977 Chancellor of the Exchequer Dennis Healey appears on childrens TV programme Blue Peter in order to explain how the economy works. However, during the live broadcast, the 20-stone Chancellor urinates and defecates on the floor. When Prime Minister James Callaghan attempts to bring Healey under control, he slips in the mess, much to the amusement of the shows three presenters.

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OCTOBER 1828 Russian goldsmith and jeweller Peter Carl Faberg presents a magnificently bejewelled egg to Tsarina Alexandra Feodorovna. The intricatelyconstructed trinket features over 1,000 priceless jewels, including rubies, diamonds and sapphires, and comes complete with a solid gold plate of platinum soldiers to dip in it.

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OCTOBER 1896 Wallis Simpson is born Frank Walter Warfield in Maryland, USA. After leaving school, Frank becomes a professional wrestler, fighting more than 800 bouts under the name of The Maryland Mangler. After going on a diet, he loses 15 stone and undergoes gender reassignment surgery. Reinventing himself as divorced socialite Mrs Wallis Simpson, he crosses the Atlantic and marries the Prince of Wales. OCTOBER1868 Queen Victoria is fined 5 for flytipping after the body of one of her footmen is found dumped in the bushes at Windsor Great Park. The monarch claims that a man knocked at the door of Buckingham palace and offered to dispose of the servants corpse for 10 shillings. She tells the judge: He told me he was an official undertaker. I never thought for a moment that he was going to just lob it under a hedge.

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OCTOBER 2006 Millionaire Mike Ashley buys HM the Queen and re-names Buckingham Palace the SportsDirectQueenhouse @BuckinghamPalace. Monarch fans boycott the sportswear magnates shops untill he restores the original name of the 200-yearold royal residence. Ironically, Ashley is himself bought by a major retailer, and is re-named the DallasCarpets. comFatCockneyBastard@Mike Ashley. OCTOBER 1969 British supermodel Twiggy is badly injured when her Mini-skirt crashes into a tree. The Vogue cover girl, real name Leslie Dawson, has no recollection of the accident, but witnesses say that she appeared to lose control of the short frock as she was walking round a bend at a notorious accident black spot in Holland Park.

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OCTOBER 44BC Egyptian Pharaoh Ptolemy XIII fights a losing battle as he tries to stop copies of a sex heiroglyph featuring his wife Cleopatra from becoming public. However, the explicit pictographic papyrus, which features the Queen and her lover Mark Anthony engaging in a series of sex acts in a pyramid, quickly becomes an underground sensation throughout the ancient world.

CENSORED

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OCTOBER 1997 Archaeologists working in Stratford-upon-Avon make a discovery which they believe may finally throw some light on the vexed question of who really wrote Shakespeares plays when they discover several chimpanzee skeletons and the remains of nearly 1,000 typewriters in the basement of Anne Hathaways cottage.

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OCTOBER1886 Chicago chemist Dr John Pembridge markets a new fizzy drink - Pembridges Patent Cola. According to its creator, the new, non-alcoholic beverage is An Esteemed Tonic Elixir that will Enervate the Brain and Stimulate the Internal Organs, and is made to a secret recipe containing sugar syrup, vegetable extracts, opium, pure heroin, crack cocaine, crystal meth, phencyclidine and ketamine.

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