Conversation starters

1. Go beyond the weather. Everyone talks about the weather because it's there and it's always doing something to mess up the hair, spoil an activity or promote enthusiasm for getting things done. This makes it an easy hook to hang off an initial comment but then it runs dry. Therefore, the secret is to not linger on any longer than a quick comment before saying something meatier. o The big exception is when something major, dangerous or interesting happened in the news or locally in terms of weather. "Did you feel the earthquake?" is good for a round of reactions from anyone in its area. Asking if they got caught in the storm or they got flooded is concern and generally appreciated even if the answer is "No, we were on high ground." 2. Pay attention to who they are. All the suggested topics below include points that are touchy, dull or irritating to some people. Use common sense. Someone using a walker or power chair may not be a sports fan or interested in discussing the fine points of walking for health. 3. If you bring up movies and their first reaction to one is how much they liked the book, reading is going to be a better topic for them than anything further on movies, TV and pop culture. o If someone's not from your culture or ethnic background, don't assume their interests and reactions will have anything in common with what you bring to the conversation. Be prepared to learn something new even on subjects as apparently commonplace as food. 4. Find out what brings them to where you both are now. If you've never met them before, there are plenty of unknowns to explore just by the fact that you're both at an event because of some reason. Ask such questions as: o So, how do you know the host? o How did you get involved in this event? In fundraising? In triathlons? And so forth. o How do you find the time to be involved in events like this? 5. Find out about their interests and hobbies. This is where it starts to get more personal. It's up to you to carry the conversation beyond these questions in an appropriate way. o Do you play or follow any sports? o Do you like to hang out online? o What do you like to read? o What do you do in your spare time? o What kind of music do you like? o What kinds of movies do you like to watch? o What are your favorite TV shows? o What's your favorite board game or card game? o Do you like animals? What's your favorite animal? 6. Bring up family. Your safest bet here is siblings and general background information (i.e. where they grew up). Parents can be a touchy subject for people who had troubled upbringings, have estranged parents or whose parents have recently passed away. The topic of children can be uncomfortable for couples who are having fertility issues or disagreements about whether to have children, or for a person who wants to have kids but hasn't found the right person or situation. o Do you have any siblings? How many? o What are their names? o How old are they? o What do your siblings do? (Modify the question based on how old they are. Do they go to school/college or have a job?) o Do you look alike? o Do you all have similar personalities? o Where did you grow up? 7. Ask about their travels. Ask the person where they've been. Even if they have never left their home town, they will likely be happy to talk about where they would want to go. o If you had a chance to move to any other country, which one would it be and why? o Of all the cities in the world you've visited, which one was your favorite?

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o Where did you go on your last vacation? How did you like it? o What was the best/worst vacation or trip you've ever been on? Inquire about food and drink. Food is a little better to talk about because there's always the chance of bumping into someone who has had issues with alcohol abuse or doesn't drink. Be careful that the conversation doesn't stray into someone going on about their diet or how they're trying to lose weight. That can take the conversation in a negative direction. o Ask "If you could only have one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be?" o Where do you like to go when you eat out? o Do you like to cook? o What's your favorite kind of candy? o What's the worst restaurant experience you've ever had? Ask about work. This one is can be a little tricky because the conversation could end up sounding like a job interview. Still, if you can handle it carefully and keep it short and sweet, it can lead to an interesting discussion. And don't forget that the person may be studying, retired or "between jobs". Here are some suggested starters: o What do you do for a living? Where do you work (or study)? o What was your first job ever? o Who was your favorite boss in the past? o When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up? o What do you like best about your job? o If money was no object, but you still had to work, what would be your dream job? o If you discover they are not currently employed but you think you have a link that could help them, don't be afraid to bring it up. They'll most likely be very interested. Offer a genuine compliment. Try to make it a compliment that involves something they did rather than something they are. This will allow you to carry the conversation forward by asking them about that skill. If you tell someone they have beautiful eyes, they will thank you and the conversation will likely end there, unless you're clever enough to ask them what they do to enhance them. Here are some good lines to use: o I loved your piano performance. How long have you been playing for? o You seemed really confident during your speech. How did you learn to put together such great presentations? o Your run was absolutely amazing. How often do you train each week? Have a few different starters for people you do know as well as for strangers. A lot of the previous steps focus on getting to know someone you don't yet. Here are some openers for two other types of people you'll converse with: o People you know well: Ask them how they are, whether anything interesting has happened this past week, how their project or study is coming along, how their children are and whether they've seen any good TV shows or movies lately. o People you know but haven't seen for a while: Ask them what has happened in their life since you last saw them, find out if they're still working in the same job and living in the same area, ask about their children and whether they've had more (if relevant) and perhaps ask if they've seen a mutual friend lately.

Extending a conversation
Now that you're engaged in a conversation, here are some ways to make it extend beyond a brief exchange. 1. Keep the focus more on the other person than on yourself. Most people like talking about themselves. This also provides you the chance to think about other things to talk about while they are speaking. However, don't assume that talking about oneself is the only motivation; talking about what one knows or has learned is also much loved because it's an opportunity to explore ideas and theories a person has bubbling away, in front of a live audience!

2. Keep the conversation light and at ease. You can't expect miracles to take place in the initial interactions with someone. All you can hope for is an initial rapport to be created. Your best chance at this is to stick to topics that are interesting and entertaining to talk about. o Avoid talking about problems in your life or other negative situations. If you've experienced people's eyes glazing over when such topics are raised, it's simply because few people expect to have to deal with heavy situations or problems in a casual, conversational context. Most people are themselves looking for polite, interesting and lighthearted topics to discuss and a negative insertion can really put a blight on the moment, bringing to a halt any further easy talk. 3. Acknowledge the silence as beneficial. Silence doesn't have to be awkward. Silence allows you to gather an opinion on the other person and think of conversation topics they would enjoy. It gives both of you a breather and a moment of refined pause. 4. Share common interests. If you find that you both like running, for example, spend more time talking about your shared interest. However, do be aware that you will eventually have to move on from the topic at a certain point. A 45 minute conversation about running would be awkward for most people. o Discuss others who share your interest and their achievements. For example, you might both know the marathon winner from last season and one of you might be able to explain what this person has done since the win. o Talk about new gear, new equipment, new insights, new tactics, etc. to do with your shared interest. o Suggest new things that you could both try in your shared interest, perhaps even making a date to catch up and try something new together. 5. Take care with topics that can bring up intense passion or defensiveness. Be sure that there is either something in common or that you're strong enough to remain neutral or very polite if you disagree with their take on politics, religion, welfare or whatever it is. When the other person mentions religion or political topics, if you have something in common in that area, it can become an endless source of topics. o T-shirts are a good source of safe topics. If you agree with something they're wearing on a t-shirt, whether that's a Christian tee or one about legalizing marijuana, or any political or religious topic, feel free to pick up that topic and explore what you have in common. Just stay aware that agreeing on Christ may not mean you agree on gay marriage or that agreeing on marijuana may not mean you agree on the national deficit.

Pushing the boundaries of conversation topics

The conversation about the weather, family, sports scores and hobbies has come to a screeching halt. What next? Here are some ideas to extend the conversation beyond the norm. 1. Memorize a list of useful topics that can spark new directions in a conversation. This may feel foreign at first but give it a go and see just how the conversation opens up dramatically. Here are some thought-provoking questions to spark more conversation: o Given all you have accomplished so far, what do you think has been the most important to you/beneficial to your community? o If you could be rich, famous or influential, which would you choose and why? o Is this the best time of your life? o If you could only own 10 things, what would they be? o If you had to to choose only five foods and two drinks for the rest of your life, what would they be? o Do you believe people make happiness or stumble across it? o What would you do if you could wear an invisibility cloak? o What sort of animal do you think you would be if someone could change you into one? o Who is your favorite super hero and why? o Which five people out of all history would you choose to invite to an intimate dinner party at your house? o If you won a few million in the lottery tomorrow, how would you spend it?

If you could be famous for a week, what would you be known for? (Or which celebrity would you choose to be?) o Do you still believe in Santa? o Could you live without the Internet? o What's your ultimate vacation? 2. Allow the answers to these sorts of questions to lead to deeper conversation about the dreams, goals and interests of both of you. 3. Keep a note of what gets good responses in your conversations. Return to these "winning" conversation tactics time and time again since they work for you. Equally, remember the topics that seem to make people feel uncomfortable or bored and avoid these

Tips
Read up on current events. Read the paper and browse social bookmarking sites for current, interesting stories. Listen carefully, and try to relate. After someone has answered, relate your own experience to something they mentioned, or answer the question yourself, even if they don't ask you. A really good way to keep the conversation going and balanced is to take it in turns to ask questions. It doesn't need to be like a quiz or a competition to see who can ask the best questions, but it's a gentle way of maintaining a good conversation without having one person dominate it. If it's your first time talking to the person, try to tie the topic to something related to the situation at hand, rather than just jumping into a random topic. Remember fun Internet memes from Facebook or blogging communities. Short quizzes on odd topics whether that's pop culture trivia or questions like "What would you grab first on leaving a burning building?" can be fun to share. Be sure to share your answers after hearing the others

Warnings
Play it safe. Don't talk about touchy personal topics like past relationships or job woes unless you are really good friends with that person. Don't talk about religion or politics unless you know that you already agree on that specific topic. If you're both Christian, the Bible is always a good source of topics but your ideas about it may not match. Be prepared to "agree to disagree" on points in either of these general areas and focus more on areas of mutual support. If you're both not Christian, you have areas of mutual support discussing freedom of religion. Don't just mindlessly work through the list of questions mentioned above. It will make the other person feel interrogated.

Steps1 Be confident. Being around confident people makes you feel good. For example, having a confident boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, or a friend makes you feel better. The other person's energy and enthusiasm is infectious, and makes all the conversation participants feel confident and comfortable. Projecting confidence is the key to a good conversation, so don't be shy.2 Find out about the person you'll be talking to before you actually talk to them, if you can . If it's someone who you work with, or go to school with, look at their department website, or see if the person is on any social networks before talking to them for the first time. (But remember! There is a fine line between finding out general information about someone, and coming across like a stalker.) The information you get though can be a good starting point for conversations.

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"I was looking at the biochemistry department website and saw that you're working on a pretty interesting thesis! How did you come to choose that topic?" "I saw on the office memo that you're working on the outreach project for local schools. How's that going?" "Milly here told me that you went skydiving!" 2. 3

Ask questions. What do they like to do? What sort of things have they done in their lives? What is happening to them now? What did they do today or last weekend? Identify things about them that you might be interested in hearing about, and politely ask questions. Remember, there was a reason that you wanted to talk to them, so obviously there was something about them that you found interesting. However, try to space out your questions or they'll feel like you're interrogating them which is very bad and closes off friendships.

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See How to Come Up with Good Conversation Topics for ideas. Ask clarifying questions. If the topic seems to be one they are interested in, ask them to clarify what they think or feel about it. If they are talking about an occupation or activity you do not understand, take the opportunity to learn from them. Everyone loves having a chance to teach another willing and interested person about their hobby or subject of expertise. Try to get them talking about something they enjoy thinking about and something that you're interested in hearing or else the conversation isn't fulfilling and one of you will feel unsatisfied with it. 3. 4

Listen. This is the most important part of any conversation. Pay attention to what is being said. Make acknowledging noises or movements to indicate that you are still listening. A conversation will go nowhere if you are too busy thinking of anything else, including what you plan to say next. If you listen well, the other person's statements will suggest questions for you to ask. Allow the other person to do most of the talking. They will often not realize that it was they who did most of the talking, and you get the credit for being a good conversationalist - which of course, you are!

Practice active listening skills. Part of listening is letting the other person know that you are listening. Make eye contact. Nod. Say "Yes," "I see," "That's interesting," or something similar to give them clues that you are paying attention and not thinking about something else - such as what you are going to say next. Paraphrase back what you have heard, using your own words. This seems like an easy skill to learn, but takes some practice to master. Conversation happens in turns, each

person taking a turn to listen and a turn to speak or to respond. It shows respect for the other person when you use your "speaking turn" to show you have been listening and not just to say something new. They then have a chance to correct your understanding, affirm it, or embellish on it. 4. 5

Consider your response before disagreeing. If the point was not important, ignore it rather than risk appearing argumentative. On the other hand, agreeing with everything can kill a conversation just as easily as disagreeing with everything. When pointing out your difference of opinion, remember these points:

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Agree with something they said (state common ground) before disagreeing. Try to omit the word "but" from your conversation when disagreeing, as this word often puts people on the defensive. Instead, try substituting the word "and"--it has less of an antagonistic effect. Playing devil's advocate (pretending to defend the opposite point of view) can be a good way to keep the conversation going, but if you overuse this technique, you could end up appearing hostile. Don't manipulate the talk to serve your own agenda and steam-roll your counterpart. If you come away from the conversation feeling full of yourself, you used the occasion to show off your wit and knowledge. Try to keep from using a conversation to boost your ego.6

Do not panic over lulls. This is a point where you could easily inject your thoughts into the discussion. If the topic seems to have run out, use the pause to think for a moment and identify another conversation topic or question to ask them. Did something they said remind you of something else you have heard, something that happened to you, or bring up a question or topic in your mind? Mention it and you'll transition smoothly into further conversation! Remember that sometimes if a conversation isn't going well, it might not be your fault . Sometimes the other person is distracted/lost in thought, isn't willing to contribute, or is having a bad day. If they don't speak or listen, then they are the ones not using good conversation skills, not you. But in any case, it's still a good idea to strive to do your part as a good conversationalist.8 Know when the conversation is over. Even the best conversations will eventually run out of steam or be ended by an interruption. Smile if you're leaving, tell them it was nice talking to them, and say goodbye. Ending on a positive note will leave a good impression.

Tips
Forget yourself. Dale Carnegie once said, "It's much easier to become interested in others than it is to convince them to be interested in you." If you are too busy thinking about yourself, what you look like, or what the other person might be thinking, you will never be able to relax.

The best conversations come from gaining new understanding about the topic discussed or the person. Try to lead into personal stories and anecdotes. These give limitless conversation and are revealing about the character of a person. It's okay to talk about yourself as long as the person listening is interested and getting new information about you or the topic. People don't like to rehash things they already know or have thought about so try to give a new perspective or way of thinking. While you want to talk about a topic, make sure you pause in between sentences, which allows for the other person to ask a question to clarify if they are understanding you and/or

for them to interject with a thought of their own. Remember, you want to have a conversation, not be a story-teller. A compliment usually does the trick. For example, a "I like your handbag" could lead to a discussion over stores, bags, or anything. Always make eye contact and be sure the person knows you are listening. Some people like to half-listen and usually make horrible conversationalist. If the person is doing this or is doing it often or all the time then they're not the person you want to have a conversation with.

Warnings
Choose carefully when asking personal questions. You do not want to venture into overly personal issues. Even if the other person might be willing to talk about it, you may end up learning things that you really do not want to know. You certainly do not want the other person to think afterward that you coerced them into revealing personal information. Beware of topics that can be inflammatory - such as religion and politics - and don't venture into them unless you know the person has roughly the same convictions as you, or the circumstances otherwise allow for pleasant discussion. Again, it's fine to disagree and can be nice to talk about differences, but it can also be a quick step toward an argument. Try not to ever cut the person off mid-sentence, or when they naturally pause between sentences (or when trying to remember a detail). It seems disrespectful and it makes it seem as if you think that what you have to say is more important than what others have to say. Let the person finish their thoughts, then continue on with thoughts of your own. Don't make a flat statement of opinion without adding, "What do you think about that?" or, "Do you think that could be right?" or, "Is that how you see it?" If you don't give people the chance to make up their own minds, they will contradict you. Always be sure to make lengthy comments back, always saying "Okay" or very shortworded sentences can cause the person you are talking to to get agitated or upset. This applies with the half-listening mentioned above.