Ensign Andrew Dahl has just been assigned to the Universal Union Capital Ship Intrepid, flagship of the Universal Union since the year 2456. It's a prestige posting, and Andrew is even more delighted when he's assigned to the ship's Xenobiology laboratory. Life couldn't be better...although there are a few strange things going on...
(1) every Away Mission involves a lethal confrontation with alien forces
(2) the ship's captain, the chief science officer, and the handsome Lieutenant Kerensky always survive these encounters
(3) at least one low-ranked crew member is, sadly, always killed.
Suddenly it's less surprising how much energy is expended below decks on avoiding, at all costs, being assigned an Away Mission. Andrew's fate may have been sealed...until he stumbles on a piece of information that changes everything...and offers him and his fellow redshirts a crazy, high-risk chance to save their own lives...
Ensign Andrew Dahl has just been assigned to the Universal Union Capital Ship Intrepid, flagship of the Universal Union since the year 2456. It's a prestige posting, and Andrew is even more delighted when he's assigned to the ship's Xenobiology laboratory. Life couldn't be better...although there are a few strange things going on...
(1) every Away Mission involves a lethal confrontation with alien forces
(2) the ship's captain, the chief science officer, and the handsome Lieutenant Kerensky always survive these encounters
(3) at least one low-ranked crew member is, sadly, always killed.
Suddenly it's less surprising how much energy is expended below decks on avoiding, at all costs, being assigned an Away Mission. Andrew's fate may have been sealed...until he stumbles on a piece of information that changes everything...and offers him and his fellow redshirts a crazy, high-risk chance to save their own lives...
Ensign Andrew Dahl has just been assigned to the Universal Union Capital Ship Intrepid, flagship of the Universal Union since the year 2456. It's a prestige posting, and Andrew is even more delighted when he's assigned to the ship's Xenobiology laboratory. Life couldn't be better...although there are a few strange things going on...
(1) every Away Mission involves a lethal confrontation with alien forces
(2) the ship's captain, the chief science officer, and the handsome Lieutenant Kerensky always survive these encounters
(3) at least one low-ranked crew member is, sadly, always killed.
Suddenly it's less surprising how much energy is expended below decks on avoiding, at all costs, being assigned an Away Mission. Andrew's fate may have been sealed...until he stumbles on a piece of information that changes everything...and offers him and his fellow redshirts a crazy, high-risk chance to save their own lives...
Ensign Andrew Dahl has just been assigned to the Universal Union Capital Ship Intrepid, flagship of the Universal Union since the year 2456. It's a prestige posting, and Andrew is even more delighted when he's assigned to the ship's Xenobiology laboratory. Life couldn't be better...although there are a few strange things going on...
(1) every Away Mission involves a lethal confrontation with alien forces
(2) the ship's captain, the chief science officer, and the handsome Lieutenant Kerensky always survive these encounters
(3) at least one low-ranked crew member is, sadly, always killed.
Suddenly it's less surprising how much energy is expended below decks on avoiding, at all costs, being assigned an Away Mission. Andrew's fate may have been sealed...until he stumbles on a piece of information that changes everything...and offers him and his fellow redshirts a crazy, high-risk chance to save their own lives...
Copyright John Scalzi 2012 All rights reserved The right of John Scalzi to be identied as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. First published in Great Britain in 2012 by Gollancz An imprint of the Orion Publishing Group Orion House, 5 Upper St Martin's Lane, London WC2H 9EA An Hachette UK Company This edition published in Great Britain in 2013 by Gollancz 1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2 A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library ISBN 978 0 575 13430 0 Printed in Great Britain by CPI Group (UK) Ltd, Croydon, CR0 4YY The Orion Publishing Groups policy is to use papers that are natural, renewable and recyclable products and made from wood grown in sustainable forests. The logging and manufacturing processes are expected to conform to the environmental regulations of the country of origin. www.orionbooks.co.uk www.gollancz.co.uk redshirts B.indd 4 19/02/2013 14:51 -1 0 +1 PROLOGUE F rom the top of the large boulder he sat on, Ensign Tom Davis looked across the expanse of the cave toward Cap- tain Lucius Abernathy, Science Ofcer Qeeng and Chief En- gineer Paul West perched on a second, larger boulder, and thought, Well, this sucks. Borgovian Land Worms! Captain Abernathy said, and smacked his boulder with an open palm. I should have known. You should have known? How the hell could you not have known? thought Ensign Davis, and looked at the vast dirt oor of the cave, its powdery surface moving here and there with the shadowy humps that marked the movement of the massive, carnivorous worms. I dont think we should just be waltzing in there, Davis had said to Chen, the other crew member on the away team, upon encountering the cave. Abernathy, Qeeng and West had already entered, despite the fact that Davis and Chen were technically their security detail. Chen, who was new, snorted. Oh, come on, he said. Its just a cave. What could possibly be in there? Bears? Davis had suggested. Wolves? Any number of large predators who see a cave as shelter from the elements? Have you never been camping? There are no bears on this planet, Chen had said, will- fully missing Davis point. And anyway we have pulse guns. Now come on. This is my rst away mission. I dont want the captain wondering where I am. He ran in after the ofcers. From his boulder, Davis looked down at the dusty smear on the cave oor that was all that remained of Chen. The Redshirts for UK MAIN.indd 1 8/7/12 4:45 PM -1 0 +1 2 J OHN SCALZI land worms, called by the sound of the humans walking in the cave, had tunneled up under him and dragged him down, leaving nothing but echoing screams and the smear. Well, thats not quite true, Davis thought, peering farther into the cave and seeing the hand that lay there, still clutch- ing the pulse gun Chen had carried, and which as it turned out had done him absolutely no good whatsoever. The ground stirred and the hand suddenly disappeared. Okay, now its true, Davis thought. Davis! Captain Abernathy called. Stay where you are! Any movement across that ground will call to the worms! Youll be eaten instantly! Thanks for the useless and obvious update, you jackass, Davis thought, but did not say, because he was an ensign, and Aber- nathy was the captain. Instead, what he said was, Aye, Cap- tain. Good, Abernathy said. I dont want you trying to make a break for it and getting caught by those worms. Your father would never forgive me. What? Davis thought, and suddenly he remembered that Captain Abernathy had served under his father on the Benja- min Franklin. The ill- fated Benjamin Franklin. And in fact, Da- vis father had saved the then- Ensign Abernathy by tossing his unconscious body into the escape pod before diving in himself and launching the pod just as the Franklin blew up spectacularly around them. They had drifted in space for three days and had almost run out of breathable air in that pod before they were rescued. Davis shook his head. It was very odd that all that detail about Abernathy popped into his head, especially consider- ing the circumstances. As if on cue, Abernathy said, Your father once saved my life, you know. Redshirts for UK MAIN.indd 2 8/7/12 4:45 PM -1 0 +1 REDSHI RTS 3 I know Davis began, and then nearly toppled off the top of his boulder as the land worms suddenly launched themselves into it, making it wobble. Davis! Abernathy said. Davis hunched down, attening himself toward the boul- der to keep his center of gravity low. He glanced over to Ab- ernathy, who was now conferring with Qeeng and West. Without being able to hear them, Davis knew that they were reviewing what they knew about Borgovian Land Worms and trying to devise a plan to neutralize the creatures, so they could cross the cave in safety and reach the chamber that housed the ancient Central Computer of the Borgov- ians, which could give them a clue about the disappearance of that wise and mysterious race. You really need to start focusing on your current situation, some part of Davis brain said to him, and he shook his head again. Davis couldnt disagree with this assessment; his brain had picked a funny time to start spouting a whole bunch of extra- neous information that served him no purpose at this time. The worms rocked his boulder again. Davis gripped it as hard as he could and saw Abernathy, Qeeng and West be- come more animated in their attempted problem solving. A thought suddenly came to Davis. Youre part of the secu- rity detail, it said. You have a pulse gun. You could just vaporize these things. Davis would have smacked his head if the worms werent already doing that by driving it into the boulder. Of course! The pulse gun! He reached down to his belt to unclasp the gun from its holster. As he did so another part of his brain wondered why, if in fact the solution was as simple as just vaporizing the worms, Captain Abernathy or one of the other ofcers hadnt just ordered him to do it already. I seem to have a lot of voices in my brain today, said a third Redshirts for UK MAIN.indd 3 8/7/12 4:45 PM -1 0 +1 4 J OHN SCALZI part of Davis brain. He ignored that par tic u lar voice in his brain and aimed at a moving hump of dirt coming toward his boulder. Abernathys cry of Davis! No! arrived at the exact in- stant Davis red, sending a pulsed beam of coherent, disrup- tive particles into the dirt mound. A screech emanated from the mound, followed by violent thrashing, followed by a sin- ister rumbling, followed by the ground of the cave erupting as dozens of worms suddenly burst from the dirt. The pulse gun is in effec tive against Borgovian Land Worms! Davis heard Science Ofcer Qeeng say over the unspeakable noise of the thrashing worms. The frequency of the pulse sends them into a frenzy. Ensign Davis has just called every worm in the area! You couldnt have told me this before I red? Davis wanted to scream. You couldnt have said, Oh, by the way, dont re a pulse gun at a Borgovian Land Worm at our mission brieng? On the ship? At which we discussed landing on Borgovia? Which has fucking land worms? Davis didnt scream this at Qeeng because he knew there was no way Qeeng would hear him, and besides it was al- ready too late. Hed red. The worms were in a frenzy. Some- body now was likely to die. It was likely to be Ensign Davis. Through the rumble and dust, Davis looked over at Aber- nathy, who was gazing back at him, concern furrowed into his brow. And then Davis was wondering when, if ever, Aber- nathy had ever spoken to him before this mission. Oh, Abernathy must have he and Davis father had been tight ever since the destruction of the Franklin. They were friends. Good friends. It was even likely that Abernathy had known Davis himself as a boy, and may have even pulled a few strings to get his friends son a choice berth on the In- Redshirts for UK MAIN.indd 4 8/7/12 4:45 PM -1 0 +1 REDSHI RTS 5 trepid, the agship of the Universal Union. The captain wouldnt have been able to spend any real time with Davis it wouldnt have done for the captain to show favoritism in the ranks but surely they would have spoken. A few words here and there. Abernathy asking after Davis father, perhaps. Or on other away missions. Davis was coming up with a blank. Suddenly, the rumbling stopped. The worms, as quickly as they had gone into a frenzy, appeared to sidle back under the dirt. The dust settled. Theyre gone! Davis heard himself say. No, Abernathy said. Theyre smarter than that. I can make it to the mouth of the cave! Davis heard himself say. Stay where you are, Ensign! Abernathy said. Thats an order! But Davis was already off his boulder and running toward the mouth of the cave. Some part of Davis brain howled at the irrationality of the action, but the rest of Davis didnt care. He knew he had to move. It was almost a compulsion. As if he had no choice. Abernathy screamed No! very nearly in slow motion, and Davis covered half of the distance he needed to go. Then the ground erupted as land worms, arrayed in a semicircle, launched themselves up and toward Davis. And it was then, as he skidded backward, and while his face showed surprise, in fact, that Ensign Davis had an epiphany. This was the dening moment of his life. The reason he existed. Everything hed ever done before, everything hed ever been, said or wanted, had led him to this exact mo- ment, to be skidding backward while Borgovian Land Worms bored through dirt and air to get him. This was his fate. His destiny. Redshirts for UK MAIN.indd 5 8/7/12 4:45 PM -1 0 +1 6 J OHN SCALZI In a ash, and as he gazed upon the needle-sharp teeth spasming in the rather evolutionarily suspect rotating jaw of the land worm, Ensign Tom Davis saw the future. None of this was really about the mysterious disappearance of the Borgovians. After this moment, no one would ever speak of the Borgovians again. It was about him or rather, what his impending death would do to his father, now an admiral. Or even more to the point, what his death would do to the relationship between Admiral Davis and Captain Abernathy. Davis saw the scene in which Abernathy told Admiral Davis of his sons death. Saw the shock turn to anger, saw the friendship between the two men dissolve. He saw the scene where the Universal Union MPs placed the captain under arrest for trumped- up charges of murder by negligence, planted by the admiral. He saw the court- martial and Science Ofcer Qeeng, acting as Abernathys counsel, dramatically breaking down the ad- miral on the witness stand, getting him to admit this was all about him losing his son. Davis saw his father dramatically reach out and ask forgiveness from the man he had falsely ac- cused and had arrested, and saw Captain Abernathy give it ina heartrending reconciliation right there in the courtroom. It was a great story. It was great drama. And it all rested upon him. And this moment. And this fate. This destiny of Ensign Davis. Ensign Davis thought, Screw this, I want to live, and swerved to avoid the land worms. But then he tripped and one of the land worms ate his face and he died anyway. From his vantage point next to Qeeng and West, Captain Lucius Abernathy watched helplessly as Tom Davis fell prey to the land worms. He felt a hand on his shoulder. It was Chief Engineer West. Redshirts for UK MAIN.indd 6 8/7/12 4:45 PM -1 0 +1 REDSHI RTS 7 Im sorry, Lucius, he said. I know he was a friend of yours. More than a friend, Abernathy said, choking back grief. The son of a friend as well. I saw him grow up, Paul. Pulled strings to get him on the Intrepid. I promised his father that I would look after him. And I did. Checked in on him from time to time. Never showed favoritism, of course. But kept an eye out. The admiral will be heartbroken, Science Ofcer Qeeng said. Ensign Davis was the only child of the admiral and his late wife. Yes, Abernathy said. It will be hard. Its not your fault, Lucius, West said. You didnt tell him to re his pulse gun. You didnt tell him to run. Not my fault, Abernathy agreed. But my responsibility. He moved to the most distant point on the boulder to be alone. Jesus Christ, West muttered to Qeeng, after the captain had removed himself and they were alone and nally free to speak. What sort of moron shoots a pulse gun into a cave oor crawling with land worms? And then tries to run across it? He may have been an admirals son, but he wasnt very smart. Its unfortunate indeed, Qeeng said. The dangers of the Borgovian Land Worms are well- known. Chen and Davis both should have known better. Standards are slipping, West said. That may be, Qeeng said. Be that as it may, this and other recent missions have seen a sad and remarkable loss of life. Whether they are up to our standards or not, the fact remains: We need more crew. Redshirts for UK MAIN.indd 7 8/7/12 4:45 PM -1 0 +1 Redshirts for UK MAIN.indd 8 8/7/12 4:45 PM -1 0 +1 CHAPTER ONE E nsign Andrew Dahl looked out the window of Earth Dock, the Universal Unions space station above the planet Earth, and gazed at his next ship. He gazed at the Intrepid. Beautiful, isnt she? said a voice. Dahl turned to see a young woman, dressed in a starship ensigns uniform, also looking out toward the ship. She is, Dahl agreed. The Universal Union Capital Ship Intrepid, the young woman said. Built in 2453 at the Mars Dock. Flagship of the Universal Union since 2456. First captain, Genevieve Shan. Lucius Abernathy, captain since 2462. Are you the Intrepids tour guide? Dahl asked, smiling. Are you a tourist? the young woman asked, smiling back. No, Dahl said, and held out his hand. Andrew Dahl. Ive been assigned to the Intrepid. Im just waiting on the 1500 shuttle. The young woman took his hand. Maia Duvall, she said. Also assigned to the Intrepid. Also waiting on the 1500 shuttle. What a coincidence, Dahl said. If you want to call two Dub U Space Fleet members waiting in a Dub U space station for a shuttle to the Dub U spaceship parked right outside the shuttle berth window a coincidence, sure, Duvall said. Well, when you put it that way, Dahl said. Why are you here so early? Duvall asked. Its only now noon. I thought I would be the rst one waiting for the shuttle. Redshirts for UK MAIN.indd 9 8/7/12 4:45 PM -1 0 +1 10 J OHN SCALZI Im excited, Dahl said. This will be my rst posting. Duvall looked him over, a question in her eyes. I went to the Academy a few years late, he said. Why was that? Duvall asked. Its a long story, Dahl said. We have time, Duvall said. How about we get some lunch and you tell me. Uh, Dahl said. Im kind of waiting for someone. A friend of mine. Whos also been assigned to the Intrepid. The food court is right over there, Duvall said, motion- ing to the bank of stalls across the walkway. Just send him or her a text. And if he misses it, we can see him from there. Come on. Ill spring for the drinks. Oh, well, in that case, Dahl said. If I turned down a free drink, theyd kick me out of Space Fleet.
I was promised a long story, Duvall said, after they had got- ten their food and drinks. I made no such promise, Dahl said. The promise was implied, Duvall protested. And besides, I bought you a drink. I own you. Entertain me, Ensign Dahl. All right, ne, Dahl said. I entered the Academy late be- cause for three years I was a seminary student. Okay, thats moderately interesting, Duvall said. On Forshan, Dahl said Okay, thats intensely interesting, Duvall said. So youre a priest of the Forshan religion? Which schism? The leftward schism, and no, not a priest. Couldnt handle the celibacy? Leftward priests arent required to be celibate, Dahl said, but considering I was the only human at the seminary, I had celibacy thrust upon me, if you will. Redshirts for UK MAIN.indd 10 8/7/12 4:45 PM -1 0 +1 REDSHI RTS 11 Some people wouldnt have let that stop them, Duvall said. You havent seen a Forshan seminary student up close, Dahl said. Also, I dont swing xeno. Maybe you just havent found the right xeno, Duvall said. I prefer humans, Dahl said. Call me boring. Boring, Duvall said, teasingly. And youve just pried into my personal preferences in land speed record time, Dahl said. If youre this forward with someone you just met, I can only imagine what youre like with people youve known for a long time. Oh, Im not like this with everyone, Duvall said. But I can tell I like you already. Anyway. Not a priest. No. My technical status is Foreign Penitent, Dahl said. I was allowed to do the full course of study and perform some rites, but there were some physical requirements I would not have been able to perform for full ordination. Like what? Duvall asked. Self- impregnation, for one, Dahl said. A small but highly relevant detail, Duvall said. And here you were all concerned about celibacy, Dahl said, and swigged from his drink. If you were never going to become a priest, why did you go to the seminary? Duvall asked. I found the Forshan religion very restful, Dahl said. When I was younger that appealed to me. My parents died when I was young and I had a small inheritance, so I took it, paid tutors to learn the language and then traveled to For- shan and found a seminary that would take me. I planned to stay forever. But you didnt, Duvall said. I mean, obviously. Dahl smiled. Well. I found the Forshan religion restful. I found the Forshan religious war less so. Redshirts for UK MAIN.indd 11 8/7/12 4:45 PM -1 0 +1 12 J OHN SCALZI Ah, Duvall said. But how does one get from Forshan seminary student to Academy graduate? When the Dub U came to mediate between the religious factions on Forshan, they needed an interpreter, and I was on planet, Dahl said. There arent a lot of humans who speak more than one dialect of Forshan. I know all four of the major ones. Impressive, Duvall said. Im good with my tongue, Dahl said. Now whos being forward? Duvall asked. After the Dub U mission failed, it advised that all non- natives leave the planet, Dahl said. The head Dub U nego- tiator said that the Space Fleet had need of linguists and scientists and recommended me for a slot at the Academy. By that time my seminary had been burned to the ground and I had nowhere to go, or any money to get there even if I had. The Academy seemed like the best exit strategy. Spent four years there studying xenobiology and linguistics. And here I am. Thats a good story, Duvall said, and tipped her bottle toward Dahl. He clinked it with his own. Thanks, he said. What about yours? Far less interesting, Duvall said. I doubt that, Dahl said. No Academy for me, Duvall said. I enlisted as a grunt for the Dub U peacekeepers. Did that for a couple of years and then transferred over to Space Fleet three years ago. Was on the Nantes up until this transfer. Promotion? Dahl said. Duvall smirked. Not exactly, she said. Its best to call it a transfer due to personnel conicts. Redshirts for UK MAIN.indd 12 8/7/12 4:45 PM -1 0 +1 REDSHI RTS 13 Before Dahl could dig further his phone buzzed. He took it out and read the text on it. Goof, he said, smiling. What is it? Duvall asked. Hold on a second, Dahl said, and turned in his seat to wave at a young man standing in the middle of the station walkway. Were over here, Jimmy, Dahl said. The young man grinned, waved back and headed over. The friend youre waiting on, I presume, Duvall said. That would be him, Dahl said. Jimmy Hanson. Jimmy Hanson? Duvall said. Not related to James Han- son, CEO and chairman of Hanson Industries, surely. James Albert Hanson the Fourth, Dahl said. His son. Must be nice, Duvall said. He could buy this space station with his allowance, Dahl said. But hes not like that. What do you mean? Duvall said. Hey, guys, Hanson said, nally making his way to the table. He looked at Duvall, and held out his hand. Hi, Im Jimmy. Maia, Duvall said, extending her hand. They shook. So, youre a friend of Andys, right? Hanson said. I am, Duvall said. He and I go way back. All of a half hour. Great, Hanson said, and smiled. He and I go back slightly farther. I would hope so, Duvall said. Im going to get myself something to drink, Hanson said. You guys want anything? Want me to get you another round? Im ne, Dahl said. I could go for another, Duvall said, waggling her nearly empty bottle. Redshirts for UK MAIN.indd 13 8/7/12 4:45 PM -1 0 +1 14 J OHN SCALZI One of the same? Hanson asked. Sure, Duvall said. Great, Hanson said, and clapped his hands together. So, Ill be right back. Keep this chair for me? You got it, Dahl said. Hanson wandered off in search of food and drink. He seems nice, Duvall said. He is, Dahl said. Not hugely full of personality, Duvall said. He has other qualities, Dahl said. Like paying for drinks, Duvall said. Well, yes, but thats not what I was thinking of, Dahl said. You mind if I ask you a personal question? Duvall said. Seeing as weve already covered my sexual preferences in this conversation, no, Dahl said. Were you friends with Jimmy before you knew his dad could buy an entire planet or two? Duvall asked. Dahl paused a moment before answering. Do you know how the rich are different than you or me? he asked Duvall. You mean, besides having more money, Duvall said. Yeah, Dahl said. No, Duvall said. What makes them different the smart ones, anyway is that they have a very good sense of why people want to be near them. Whether its because they want to be friends, which is not about proximity to money and access and power, or if they want to be part of an entourage, which is. Make sense? Sure, Duvall said. Okay, Dahl said. So, heres the thing. When Jimmy was young, he gured out that his father was one of the richest men in the Dub U. Then he gured out that one day, he would be too. Then he gured out that there were a lot of other Redshirts for UK MAIN.indd 14 8/7/12 4:45 PM -1 0 +1 REDSHI RTS 15 people who would try to use the rst two things to their own advantage. Then he gured out how to avoid those people. Got it, Duvall said. Jimmy would know if you were just being nice to him because of who his daddy was. It was really interesting watching him our rst few weeks at the Academy, Dahl said. Some of the cadets and some of our instructors tried to make themselves his friend. I think they were surprised how quickly this rich kid had their number. Hes had enough time to be extraordinarily good at reading people. He has to be. So how did you approach him? Duvall said. I didnt, Dahl said. He came over and started talking to me. I think he realized I didnt care who his dad was. Everybody loves you, Duvall said. Well, that, and I was getting an A in the biology course he was having trouble with, Dahl said. Just because Jimmys picky about his companions doesnt mean hes not self- interested. He seemed to be willing to consider me a friend, Duvall said. Thats because he thinks were friends, and he trusts my judgment, Dahl said. And are we? Duvall said. Friends, I mean. Youre a little more hyper than I normally like, Dahl said. Yeah, I get that I like things restful vibe from you, Du- vall said. I take it you dont do restful, Dahl said. I sleep from time to time, Duvall said. Otherwise, no. I suppose Ill have to adjust, Dahl said. I suppose you will, Duvall said. I have drinks, Hanson said, coming up behind Duvall. Why, Jimmy, Duvall said. That makes you my new fa- vorite person. Redshirts for UK MAIN.indd 15 8/7/12 4:45 PM -1 0 +1 16 J OHN SCALZI Excellent, Hanson said, offered Duvall her drink, and sat down at the table. So, what are we talking about?
Just before the shuttle arrived, two more people arrived at the waiting area. More accurately, ve people arrived: two crew- men, accompanied by three members of the military police. Duvall nudged Dahl and Hanson, who looked over. One of the crewmen noticed and cocked an eyebrow. Yes, I have an en- tourage, he said. Duvall ignored him and addressed one of the MPs. Whats his story? The MP motioned to the one with a cocked eyebrow. Vari- ous charges for this one, including smuggling, selling contra- band and assaulting a superior ofcer. She then motioned to the other crewman, who was standing there sullenly, avoiding eye contact with everyone else. That poor bastard is this ones friend. Hes tainted by association. The assault charge is trumped up, said the rst ensign. The XO was high as a kite. On drugs you gave him, said the second crewman, still not looking at anyone else. No one can prove I gave them to him, and anyway they werent drugs, said the rst. They were an offworld fungus. And it couldnt have been that. The fungus relaxes people, not makes them attack anyone in the room, requiring them to defend themselves. You gave him Xeno- pseudoagaricus, didnt you, Dahl said. The rst crewman looked at Dahl. As I already said, no one can prove I gave the XO anything, he said. And maybe. Xeno- pseudoagaricus naturally produces a chemical that Redshirts for UK MAIN.indd 16 8/7/12 4:45 PM -1 0 +1 REDSHI RTS 17 in most humans provides a relaxing effect, Dahl said. But in about one- tenth of one percent of people, it does the opposite. The receptors in their brains are slightly different from every- one elses. And of those people, about one- tenth of one per- cent will go berserk under its inuence. Sounds like your XO is one of those people. Who are you, who is so wise in the way of alien fungus? said the crewman. Someone who knows that no matter what, you dont deal upward on the chain of command, Dahl said. The crewman grinned. So why arent you in the brig? Duvall asked. The crewman motioned to Dahl. Ask your friend, hes so smart, he said. Duvall looked to Dahl, who shrugged. Xeno- pseudoagaricus isnt illegal, Dahl said. Its just not very smart to use it. Youd have to either study xenobiology or have an interest in off- brand not- technically- illegal alien mood enhancers, possibly for entrepreneurial purposes. Ah, Duvall said. If I had to guess, Dahl said, Im guessing our friend here Finn, said the crewman, and nodded to the other one. And thats Hester. our friend Finn had a reputation at his last posting for being the guy to go to for substances that would let you pass a urine test. Hester snorted at this. Im also guessing that his XO probably doesnt want it known that he was taking drugs Fungus, said Finn. of any sort, and that in any event when the Xeno- pseudoagaricus made him go nuts, he attacked and Finn here Redshirts for UK MAIN.indd 17 8/7/12 4:45 PM -1 0 +1 18 J OHN SCALZI was technically defending himself when he fought back. So rather than put Finn in the brig and open up an ugly can of worms, better to transfer him quietly. I can neither conrm nor deny this interpretation of events, Finn said. Then whats with the MPs? Hanson asked. Theyre here to make sure we get on the Intrepid without any detours, said Hester. They dont want him renewing his stash. Finn rolled his eyes at this. Duvall looked at Hester. Im sensing bitterness here. Hester nally made eye contact. The bastard hid his stash in my foot locker, he said, to Duvall. And you didnt know? Duvall asked. He told me they were candies, and that if the other crew knew he had them, theyd sneak into his foot locker to take them. They would have, Finn said. And in my defense, every- thing was candied. You also said they were for your mother, Hester said. Yes, well, Finn said. I did lie about that part. I tried to tell that to the captain and the XO, but they didnt care, Hester said. As far as they were concerned I was an accomplice. I dont even like him. Then why did you agree to hold his . . . candies? Duvall said. Hester mumbled something inaudible and broke eye contact. He did it because I was being nice to him, and he doesnt have friends, Finn said. So you took advantage of him, Hanson said. I dont dislike him, Finn said. And its not like I meant for him to get in trouble. He shouldnt have gotten in trouble. Nothing in the stash was illegal. But then our XO went nuts and tried to rearrange my bone structure. Redshirts for UK MAIN.indd 18 8/7/12 4:45 PM -1 0 +1 REDSHI RTS 19 You probably should have known your product line bet- ter, Dahl said. The next time I get something, Ill run it by you rst, Finn said sarcastically, and then motioned toward the window, where the shuttle could be seen approaching the berth. But its going to have to wait. Looks like our ride is here. Redshirts for UK MAIN.indd 19 8/7/12 4:45 PM
Harry Harrison Super Pack: Deathworld; Deathworld 2; Planet of The Damned; The Stainless Steel Rat and The Misplaced Battleship; The K-Factor; The Velvet Glove; The Repairman; Arm of the Law; Navy Day; Toy Shop