Sovereign

By E.R. Arroyo
Book One of The Sovereign Series
Smashwords Edition
Copyrights & Credits
Copyright 202 E.R. Arroyo
A!! rights reserved. "o part of this p#$!i%ation may $e reprod#%ed& stored in a retrieva!
system& or transmitted in any form or $y any means'e!e%troni%& me%hani%a!& photo%opying&
re%ording& or otherwise'e(%ept for $rief )#otations in printed reviews& witho#t the prior written
permission of the %opyright owner.
*Afternoon On A +i!!, $y Edna St. -in%ent .i!!ay
/rom RE"ASCE"CE A"0 OT+ER 1OE.S&
Copyright 23 $y Edna St. -in%ent .i!!ay
*R#th 45,
S%ript#re )#otations are taken from the +o!y Bi$!e& "ew 6iving Trans!ation& %opyright
225& 2007& 2003 $y Tynda!e +o#se /o#ndation. 8sed $y permission of Tynda!e +o#se
1#$!ishers& 9n%.& Caro! Stream& 9!!inois 50::. A!! rights reserved.
Credits4
Cover $y 0#stin 1ier%e
Cover .ode! ; "i%o!e /an%her
Table of Contents
Title Page
Copyrights & Credits
Contents
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
!"nowledge#ents
$in"s & %a!" d
Chapter One
*Thank yo#&, 9 whisper as 9 swipe the $ag from 0y!an<s hands #nder the ta$!e. 6ike a!ways&
he keeps his sho#!ders h#n%hed& and 9 wish he wo#!d sit #p straight. Aro#nd the room& everyone
%arries on as #s#a!. 9 shove! in a few mo#thf#!s of food'it<s $!and to say the !east.
This is my favorite room in the 8nderage $#i!ding. 9t<s essentia!!y a %afeteria& ho#sing !ong
ta$!es with %hairs down either side. There<s an opening $etween this room and the kit%hen& an
e(it on the far right& and another door to my !eft.
9t<s the most we!! !it room in the $#i!ding& and sharing mea!s with my friends is one of the
few things 9 en=oy here. A%ross the room& A!yssa smi!es at me.
9t isn<t a prison $#t often fee!s !ike one. >e !ive here& a!! of the kids #nder eighteen. They
tea%h #s& feed #s& give #s $eds. >e<re the on!y %ivi!i?ed peop!e !eft in o#r %o#ntry'may$e even
the who!e wor!d'so they keep #s here to prote%t #s. Or so they say& $#t 9 don<t $e!ieve them.
9 s!ip the $ag onto my sho#!der !ike it $e!ongs to me as a g#ard passes o#r ta$!e. A!ready
pa%ing my $reaths& 9 wait.
0y!an wipes his ne%k to $r#sh away %!ippings from his hair%#t today. +is hair !ooks $!a%k
$#t it<s hard to te!! with it %ropped so %!ose to his s%a!p. 9 wonder if it wo#!d $e !ighter if it grew
o#t a !itt!e. B#t that isn<t an option for the ma!es of o#r %o!ony. Options are !#(#ries we don<t
have.
*9<m an a%%omp!i%e& yo# know&, he says& a!most too )#iet!y.
+e<s right. /or that reason& 9 sit $y someone different a!most every mea!time. 9 wo#!dn<t
want them to p#nish my friends for my %rimes& so 9 a%)#aint with everyone. They %an<t p#nish
them a!!.
*An ena$!er& rea!!y&, 9 say& thankf#! 0y!an has a sense of h#mor. Sometimes 9 forget he<s
on!y seventeen !ike me. By the things he says'and the !ines in his swarthy skin when he f#rrows
his $row'he seems years o!der.
9 %an te!! from 0y!an<s eyes that the g#ard is a!most at the door to my !eft. *Besides&, 9
smi!e& *who e!se wo#!d test yo#r inventions@,
*0o yo# have a p!an@,
*Ao# know the r#!es. The !ess yo# know the $etter&, 9 te!! him.
*Right.,
9 smi!e at the irritation in his sonoro#s voi%e.
9 hear the door open& and 9 f!y into motion. Before it sh#ts& 9 %at%h it with my fingertips&
!ingering there to give the g#ard more time to p#t distan%e $etween #s. "one of the others seems
to %are. They a!! ena$!e me.
A peek thro#gh the %ra%k in the door !ets me know the %oast is %!ear for si(ty se%onds.
E(a%t!y si(ty se%onds& =#st !ike every other time 9<ve done this.
As )#iet!y as 9 %an& 9 s!ip into the ha!!& whi%h !eads to the 8nderage fitness fa%i!ities and
%!assrooms. 9t<s rea!!y more !ike a $ree?eway& with side;$y;side windows and openings a$ove
ea%h one. A!! of the openings have s%reen %overings& save one. 9 %reep into the shadowy %orner&
where the %amera %an<t see me. 0eep $reath.
Dont get caught. Not yet.
9 p#!! myse!f onto the windowsi!!& my hands pressed %o!d against the $!a%kened g!ass. 9t<s
pro$a$!y $e!ow free?ing o#t there. 9 $a!an%e myse!f on the $ri%ks on either side of the window
and shimmy #p. 9 %an a!ready fee! %o!d air from a$ove.
>hen 9 rea%h the opening& 9 toss the $ag o#tside& %aref#! not to #pset my $a!an%e. 9 hoist
myse!f onto the frame of the opening& and with the most a%ro$ati% mane#ver 9<m %apa$!e of& 9
s!ide thro#gh.
9 f!ip over myse!f and hang $y my hands two stories a$ove gro#nd !ike a gymnast on an
#neven $ar. E(%ept 9 %an<t swing o#t with my $a%k against the window.
9 $ra%e my !egs !ike 9<d done on the inside& and gather my strength. .y hands re!ease& and
my !egs p#sh me o#t into the dark night. 9 somersa#!t& and right on %#e& my hands find a tr#sty
tree !im$ in the darkness.
9 !ook $a%k and see the faint !ight inside. 9 wo#!d think they<d have fi(ed that window $y
now. 9t<s $een the aid in my es%ape si(teen times.
As 9 s!ide down the tree& 9 wi!! my eyes to ad=#st. Binny to!d me the moon #sed to !ight the
night here& $#t these days& night is pit%h dark e(%ept for the !ighting aro#nd the %ompo#nd
$orders where the g#ards keep wat%h at the fen%e.
Binny raised me& tho#gh there<s no re!ation. She<s worked at the 8nderage %enter sin%e
$efore 9 got here. 9 made the mistake of %a!!ing her *mom, on%e& and she s%o!ded me& asking
where 9<d even heard that word. 8n!ike most of the kids here& 9 was $orn on the o#tside& and
taken in as a ref#gee when 9 was seven. 9 had a mom of my own $efore the wor!d fe!! apart.
6eaping from a !ow !im$& 9 !and swift!y and assess my s#rro#ndings. Behind me is the
8nderage %enter where 9 !ive with a!! the other minors. /ar to the !eft of me is the >omen<s
Center& and even farther to the right& the .en<s. 9n front of me is a g#arded tower with a
periodi%& roaming spot!ight. There are towers !ike it on ea%h side of the %ompo#nd. One north&
one so#th& one east& one west& tho#gh 9 %an<t te!! whi%h is whi%h.
.y first step fa!ters& s!ipping on i%e. 9 was right a$o#t the temperat#re. 9 s!ide the pa%k onto
my $a%k& an arm #nder ea%h strap whi!e 9 g!#e myse!f to the $#i!ding<s shadow& in %ase the
spot!ights sweep in my dire%tion.
Dont get caught, 9 remind myse!f again.
S!iding a!ong the $#i!ding seems to take an eternity. 9 dip a%ross an opening and %!ing to the
s#pp!y $#i!ding. 9t has heavier doors& and st#rdier !o%ks than any that ho#se peop!e. S#pp!ies are
s%ar%e'%ontro! the food& %ontro! the pop#!ation. Not me& 9 think with a grin.
Another few in%hes p#t me aro#nd the %orner from my target& the %enter tower. 9t<s the
ta!!est of the five& and it %ontains a spot =#st !ike the rest. 9t has armed g#ards& too& $#t this is the
tower 9 want. 9 hear a faint siren from the $#i!ding 9<ve =#st departed. Soon& the sirens o#t here
wi!! =oin it& and the spots wi!! %ome o#t.
9 have to rea%h the $ase of the %enter tower )#i%k!y. "one of the towers< spot!ights rea%h any
other tower<s $ase. 9f 9 get there first& 9 %an hide and %arry on with what 9 %ame to do.
9 try to take a deep $reath& $#t it<s %o!d and shaky. >ith a sharp inha!e& 9 make my move& $#t
9 stop %o!d as my foot fa!!s on dirt& and another foot fa!!s that isn<t mine. .y $reath %at%hes in my
throat. 9 %ro#%h& my eyes s%anning every dire%tion& waiting for more movement. Then 9 spot her.
The on!y fema!e in the entire B#ard& making a ro#nd in her patro!. These patro!s are so random& 9
a!most forget they do them.
Something %at%hes her attention and she ret#rns the way she %ame. As the o#tdoor sirens
$egin to $!are& 9 make my move into the open& my !east favorite p!a%e to $e. Thankf#!!y& the
sirens %over my %o!d& heavy footsteps. 9<m three yards from the tower when 9 see the perimeter
spot!ights fire #p. 9n a moment& the one 9<m r#nning toward wi!! %rank #p& too. 9 hear angry
sho#ts& heavy footfa!!s& wai!ing sirens& and my $eating heart.
Two more yards. 9 think 9 see severa! g#ards& f!ash!ights and weapons in hand. They would
never shoot me.
One yard and my foot %at%hes a fa!!en tree !im$. 9 st#m$!e forward and !and on my fa%e. .y
right knee a%hes& as do my hands. 9 !ook #p& rea!i?ing 9<m in%hes from the tower<s %orner post.
Rea%hing forward& 9 gra$ the post and s!ide my $ody to the #nderside of it& =#st as the spot!ight
a$ove me swoops a%ross the $ran%h where my foot had $een.
Dont get caught.
Cro#%hing in the shadow& 9 ?ip open the $ag and p#!! o#t a =a%ket. 9 ro!! my eyes as a
sh#dder ripp!es thro#gh me& tiny $#mps standing on my $are arms. 9f 9<d known there was a %oat&
9 wo#!d %ertain!y have p#t it on sooner. Tho#ghtf#! of him to in%!#de it.
"e(t& there<s a thi%k pair of $!a%k g!oves with grooved padding on the pa!ms. >hen 9 s!ide
the first one on& 9<m thri!!ed to find it fits ... !ike a g!ove. "ever #nderstood that e(pression #nti!
now. "ot many of o#r an%estors< %o!!o)#ia!isms stayed with #s thro#gh the war.
9t fits !ike a custom g!ove& %rafted espe%ia!!y for my hand& a!! the way down to the very
!ength of my pinky finger& whi%h is norma!!y a tad too !ong for the g!oves they give #s when we
s%r#$ f!oors or p#!! weeds. 0y!an is an in%redi$!e %raftsman. And 9 %an<t wait to p#t these g!oves
to the test& and even more so the gem that<s ready in my $ag. Time to move.
9 ?ip the $ag& strap it $a%k on& $#t this time $#%k!e a strap aro#nd my waist& and another that
%omes #nder $oth arms and a%ross my %hest. They are tight& se%#re& perfe%t.
The %haos %ontin#es on the gro#nds as 9 as%end the tower post. 9f it was made of meta!& 9
%o#!d do this with my $are hands and a good pair of shoes& $#t it<s wooden& an%ient. And it
sp!inters. .y thin %otton pants give the !east prote%tion& $#t my shoes grip we!!& and espe%ia!!y
my g!oves. The ang!es of the post a%t#a!!y make it easier to s%a!e& so perhaps a ro#nd meta! one
wo#!dn<t $e $etter after a!!. At !east& that<s what 9 think #nti! a sp!inter wedges into my %hin. 9
ignore it.
9<m ha!fway #p when 9 hear g#ards< voi%es $e!ow me. 9 remem$er tripping& $#t for%e myse!f
not to think of the pain in my knee. Another sp!inter& %heek this time. This is harder than 9
e(pe%ted'it<s the ta!!est thing 9<ve %!im$ed. 9<m $reathing heavier than 9<d !ike& $#t 9<m thankf#!
for the pandemoni#m a!! aro#nd as it %on%ea!s my every so#nd.
/ina!!y& 9 rea%h the top and 9 get a $a%kwards ho!d on the $oards of the tower de%k. A$ove
my fingers is a rai! 9<m not s#re is strong eno#gh to ho!d me. 9n the de%k<s %enter sits a %overed
room that is pro$a$!y more sophisti%ated than the wooden tower !egs s#ggest. .y ne(t
movements wi!! need to $e pre%ise& and 9 %an te!! the g!oves aren<t having it.
9 shift my weight to my right arm& and #se my teeth to p#!! the ve!%ro ho!ding my !eft g!ove
on. As the fa$ri% re!eases& $oots wa!k a%ross the de%k& pro$a$!y not two feet from my tired hand.
9 $ite the fa$ri% on the midd!e finger and s!ide my !eft hand o#t. 9 a!ready !ove these g!oves& and
hate what 9<m a$o#t to do. 9 drop the g!ove& hoping it won<t !and on a so!dier<s head. /rom what
9 %an te!!& it doesn<t.
9 swit%h hands as a voi%e says& *She<s not at the fen%e& so she<s pro$a$!y near. Stand $y., 9
hear s%#ff!ing inside the !itt!e room and know 9<m r#nning o#t of time. >ith the right g!ove sti!!
on& and $oth arms threatening to give o#t& 9 hoist myse!f #p. .y feet !and on!y for a moment on
the edge of the de%k $etween the rai!ings $efore 9 prope! myse!f onto the rai! itse!f. A g#ard spots
me& and $arks& *+ereC,
Dont get caught.
>ith fo#r of them r#nning toward me& 9 !eap forward& %at%hing the roof with my midse%tion.
9 fee! a hand aro#nd my ank!e& and 9 thrash against it. The to#%h gives me a m#%h;needed $#rst
of adrena!ine that e(p!odes thro#gh me'9 hate $eing to#%hed. >ith my newfo#nd strength& 9<m
onto the roof in se%onds& standing at the ape(.
Britting my teeth& 9 groan the word& *0y!an., This better work. Then 9 r#n to the edge of the
roof and !eap as high into the open air as 9 %an. 9n a swift motion& 9 p#!! the string at the top of
my pa%k and two %#stom wings e(pand from it. The meta! and fa$ri% %arry me with ease as 9
g!ide. 9t<s a g!orio#s f!ight in the %o!d& winter air& and 9 swear 9 =#st fe!t a snowf!ake on my fa%e.
1erfe%t& thri!!ing& and e(%iting. B#t most!y perfe%t.
9 g!ide a$o#t a h#ndred yards $efore my feet drop soft!y on the gro#nd. 9<m not off $a!an%e&
$#t 9 !et myse!f fa!! anyway. >hen the g#ards s#rro#nd me& 9 smi!e. 9t<s the most e(%iting feat
9<ve ever $raved. 9 see the woman g#ard near the $a%k of the gro#p& and 9 think she s#ppresses a
grin.
Before 9 %an $!ink& 9<m yanked to my feet. *Si!!y gir!&, the man says& agitated. *Ao# s#re
%an<t keep yo#rse!f o#t of tro#$!e., Silly girl was a!most e(a%t!y the rea%tion 9<d wanted when 9
%hose to f!#$ my !anding. A perfe%t !anding after a daring f!ight wo#!d mean far more than a
thri!!;seeking teenager. 9t wo#!d e)#a! a threat to the ways of this esta$!ishment. 9t wo#!d mean
$ravery. 0efian%e.
.oments !ater& 9<m whisked into the #ndergro#nd prison& whi%h isn<t very !arge'doesn<t
need to $e& few of #s $reak the !aw. The g#ard dragging me to my %e!! seems happy 9<m not
resisting.
*>hat<d yo# do this time@, a fami!iar voi%e %himes from the ne(t %e!! we pass. They got my
$#ddy 1ete again. 1oor kid.
*/!ew off the %entra! tower., 9<m pro#d to share itD 9 %an<t hide that. 9 never %an.
*E(%iting. >as it worth it@,
.y es%ort p#shes me a !itt!e harder than ne%essary into my %e!!. The door $angs %!osed
$ehind me. 9 s!#mp onto the %o!d& moist mattress and sett!e in for the night. 9<ve spent many
nights in this %e!!& and my %rime is often the same& $ravery. Bravery !eads to war& to vio!en%e& to
re$e!!ion. Stri%t!y i!!ega!.
*A$so!#te!y&, 9 m#m$!e.
Of a!! the times 9<ve $een arrested and detained overnight& this night has $een my favorite.
>ith everything rep!aying in my mind& r#shing thro#gh !ike pi%t#res on the s%hoo! %omp#ters&
9<m %a!m. E!ated $#t %a!m& $e%a#se now 9 know the wings work. 0y!an wi!! have to make
another pair& as 9<m s#re the ones they took wi!! $e destroyed. B#t ne(t time 9 =#mp& it won<t $e
from the %enter tower. 9t wi!! $e the tower %!osest to the fen%e where 9 wi!! make my es%ape.
Then 9 %an fina!!y $e free.
E E E
The morning %omes )#i%k!y& and& tho#gh 9 wake #p %o!d& 9<ve s!ept !ike a $a$y. 9 sit #p&
stret%h& %ra%k my ne%k.
*Bood morning& 205.,
9 near!y =#mp o#t of my skin. *8h& good morning& "athan&, 9 respond in a %ava!ier tone.
*Sorry. 9 don<t remem$er yo#r n#m$er., 9<m !ying& his n#m$er is 0002. +e knows 9 know& $#t 9
en=oy pissing him off. "athan B#rke is the smarmy& %reep of a man who<!! $e in %harge of o#r
%o!ony& Anti#s& on%e his father& Corne!i#s& has passed.
*Ao# know my n#m$er.,
*Ao# know my name&, 9 retort. *Ao# rea!!y want me to %a!! yo# ?ero& ?ero& ?ero& two@,
*9 want yo# to %a!! me sir.,
+e rises from the %hair he<s $een sitting in for who knows how !ong. +is fingers s!ither
aro#nd the $ars on my %e!! door. +is every appendage reminds me of snakes. 9 know more a$o#t
him than 9 sho#!d& $#t then again& 9 spy on peop!e more than 9 sho#!d. 1!#s& 9 get arrested a !ot.
*The sooner yo# a%%ept things...,
*>hat things@,
*R#!es& Cori. .y r#!es.,
0espite the genera! sense of rev#!sion 9 get when he<s near& 9<m having f#n with this
%onversation. +e<d never admit how m#%h 9 torment him with my $!atant disrespe%t for his
a#thority. 9 %an see $y the vein in his forehead and the tightness of his =aw& he<s a$o#t to f!ip o#t.
*9s this a$o#t !ast night@, Of %o#rse it<s a$o#t the =#mp. 9f his father didn<t !ove me so
m#%h& 9 wo#!d have $een p#nished far worse than a night in =ai! for !ast night<s st#nt.
*The o!d %o#ntry #sed to have spe%ia! p#nishments for repeat offenders., The *o!d %o#ntry,
was the 8nited States of Ameri%a. Today& it<s ne(t to nothing. 9t doesn<t even have a name
anymore'doesn<t need one.
*9<d rea!!y think yo# wo#!d admire my $ravery. Sho#!dn<t a so!dier $e $rave@, 9 ask with the
e(pe%ted sar%asm& $#t 9 rea!!y mean this part. So!diers should $e $rave.
*.y so!diers don<t need to $e $rave& on!y o$edient.,
*>e!!& 9<m not yo#r so!dier.,
*"ot yet., +e smi!es a !itt!e& and 9 %an on!y imagine what mor$id thing is f!oating in his
mind %a#sing him =oy when 9 know he wants to rea%h thro#gh these $ars and wrap his snaky
hands aro#nd my throat. 9f 9 get too %!ose& he might.
*9 %an<t have yo# =#mping off towers. Ao#<re va!#a$!e in one pie%e. On%e yo#<ve in=#red
yo#rse!f ... yo# know the dri!!.,
*0isposa$!e& 9 know. "ever again& 9 promise., 9 !ay my hand ginger!y over my heart'9
think 9 read this in a $ook on%e'and give my most remorsef#! frown to make it %onvin%ing.
*S%o#t<s honor., 9 have no idea what that means& $#t it so#nds right.
*Ao# don<t know what a s%o#t is.,
+e<s got me.
9 wish 9 didn<t have to ask& $#t 9<m getting h#ngry. *Can 9 go now@,
*"ot today., +e s!ides to the %ontro! pane! on my %e!! door& s%ans his inde( finger. +e stares
at me with some kind of madness $rewing in his eyes. Then t#rns his head and a red !ight reads
the %hip imp!anted in his ne%k& nest!ed in the %revi%e $e!ow his ear& at the %orner of his =aw. .y
%e!! door opens and for the first time in a !ong time& 9<m nervo#s.
"athan s!ips into my %e!! and steps toward me. 9 fee! my heart $eating faster& $#t 9 don<t !et
it show. 9 %an<t !et it show. The fa%t that he isn<t speaking terrifies me and 9 don<t know what to
e(pe%t. The way he<s !ooking at me...
+e %!oses the gap $etween #s and gra$s my =aw with one hand. 9<m freaking o#t& $#t so
%omp!ete!y st#nned 9 %an<t move. +e !eans %!ose to my ear and whispers& *Ao# don<t even know
how %!ose yo# are to $eing mine., There m#st $e terror in my eyes $e%a#se he !ooks p!eased and
!ets me go.
*9<!! never $e yo#rs&, 9 m#m$!e. Something f!ashes in his eyes for a $rief moment then he
strikes me with the $a%k of his hand so hard 9 st#m$!e $a%kwards.
*B#ard., +e !ets himse!f o#t of my %e!! and s!ams the door.
9 sho#!dn<t $e s#rprised& $#t 9 am. 9 had often wondered why my p#nishments never
es%a!ated& so 9 g#ess it<s a$o#t time.
A moment !ater& a handsome yo#ng g#ard steps #p& ready for orders. A $adge on his %hest
revea!s his identity& 723. "ot m#%h o!der than me. +e doesn<t !ook "athan in the eye. B#ess
"athan was right& 9 see no $ravery.
*Aes& sir@, 723 asks.
*/eed her now. Feep her another night.,
*Aes& sir.,
"athan !ooks me over one !ast time $efore heading to the door& and s!amming it $ehind him.
9 noti%e 723 p#!!ing a wadded %!oth from the %argo po%ket $y his knee. +e p#!!s o#t a ha!f;eaten
pie%e of hard $read& drops it on the f!oor at my feet. Then he& too& is gone.
Two %e!!s over& 9 see 1ete& the on!y other inmate& trem$!ing. +e<s on!y a $oy& may$e ten or
e!even& and he doesn<t #nderstand things& so he $reaks the r#!es.
*Ao# h#ngry& 1ete@,
+e nods. Something a$o#t "athan<s presen%e has taken !ast night<s =oy.
9 s%oop #p the $read and s!ide it thro#gh the %e!! $etween #s. 9t skirts a%ross the f!oor and
!ands in his fingers& tho#gh he has to stret%h to rea%h it.
*Ao# okay@,
*Aeah& Cori. Thanks for the $read.,
As the ne(t twenty;fo#r ho#rs pass& 9 think a$o#t many things& the most fre)#ent of whi%h is
the h#nger t#gging at my $e!!y. 1ete<s $een in here even !onger& so 9<m s#re he<s worse off than
me.
Betting antsy& 9 wa!k %ir%!es aro#nd my tiny %e!!& stret%hing my arms and !egs& and shaking
them to stay !oose. 9 take the opport#nity to attempt my e(er%ise ro#tine& tho#gh 9 haven<t )#ite
got eno#gh energy to %omp!ete it. .y p#sh#ps %ome #p short& my p#!!;#ps even shorter. 9 dang!e
from the r#sty pipe a$ove the $ed& trem$!ing with my own $ody weight dragging me down'and
9 don<t weigh m#%h. 9<m ha!fway thro#gh a fina! p#!! #p when the door s!ides open. 9 !et myse!f
fa!! onto the mattress& !anding with my tai!$one on a hard meta! pie%e of the $ed frame #nder the
f!imsy mattress.
723'9 sti!! don<t know his name'ret#rns to free me& 9 ass#me& and as it t#rns o#t& he<s
freeing 1ete& too. +e wa!ks to the %ontro! pad on my %e!! door& presses his right inde( finger on
the sensor& and s%ans his %hip& whi%h is in the same p!a%e as "athan<s. The %ontro! pad $eeps&
and my door springs open. +e does the same for 1ete.
An e!evator %arries #s to gro#nd !eve! where we wa!k into the yard and the e!evator
disappears $a%k into the gro#nd& $are!y noti%ea$!e now. The %o!ony is awake& mi!!ing aro#nd the
gro#nds& none making too $ig a dea! of the two of #s ho$$!ing o#r way a%ross the !awn.
"orma!!y %!ose %onta%t wo#!d %at%h attention& $#t 9<ve got 1ete<s arm draped over my sho#!der. 9
ass#me everyone #nderstands why& sin%e no one s%reams at #s to keep o#r hands to o#rse!ves.
No touching is the on!y r#!e aro#nd here 9 a%t#a!!y !ike. 9f 1ete were in $etter shape& 9<d ye!!
at him myse!f for to#%hing me& $#t right now he fee!s fragi!e and 9 pity his weakness. 9<ve got to
get him to the %afeteria $efore he passes o#t.
9 po#nd on the door and yank the hand!e even tho#gh 9 know it<s !o%ked. A moment !ater& a
pair of $rown eyes peers thro#gh the sma!! g!ass pane!. The door opens to the owner of the
$rown eyes& 0ottie. She<s a$o#t as $ig and mean as a woman %o#!d possi$!y get& $#t sometimes
she<s kind. 9 %an<t te!! if today is a kind day or not.
*>e =#st got o#tD he<s starving., .ay$e she<!! pity #s.
*Breakfast ended thirty min#tes ago&, she groans.
*+e hasn<t eaten in over a day. .ay$e we %an take o#t the trash for yo#&, 9 offer& hoping she
%at%hes my meaning.
She shifts to her other !eg and 9 think 9 hear her ank!es %reak #nder her weight. *Aeah.,
*Thank yo#., >e p#sh thro#gh the %ra%ked door. 9 sett!e 1ete into a seat as 9 fo!!ow 0ottie
into the kit%hen where a !arge $!a%k& p!asti% $ag sits open on the f!oor& near!y f#!!.
>itho#t a word& 9 gra$ the $ag and drag it o#t to 1ete. The two of #s dig thro#gh it for
something de%ent to eat. +e finds severa! s%raps of $read and throws them down. 9 !ook over my
sho#!der and see 0ottie !ooking at #s with a %onf!i%ted e(pression. /ina!!y she h#ffs and %!anks
aro#nd in the kit%hen& then she wadd!es o#t and hands #s sma!! $ow!s of $reakfast s!#sh. Besides
$read& s!#sh is a!! we ever have& tho#gh the $reakfast kind is #s#a!!y a !itt!e sweeter.
*Thank yo#&, 1ete says& overwhe!med and sin%ere. >e don<t even $other with spoons&
simp!y tipping the $ow!s $a%k and drinking the %ontents.
>hen we<re done& 9 tie off the trash and %arry it to the d#mpster %h#te for 0ottie& then he!p
1ete to the $oys< f!oor. +e fee!s a !itt!e stronger& $#t 9 sti!! want to make s#re he gets there safe!y.
Sin%e we<re !ate& we<!! $e e(%#sed from morning %!asses. +opef#!!y& now that there<s food in his
$e!!y& rest wi!! do 1ete some good.
After 9 drop him off& 9 head $a%k o#tside and over to the hidden e!evator. 9 p#sh a $#tton on
the a%%ess pad& then open the man#a! keypad and type in a %ode. A few min#tes !ater& the
e!evator arrives with -an%e inside it.
*Ca#sing tro#$!e& again@, +e smi!es. +e<s not handsome& $#t he smi!es a !ot& whi%h makes
him more endearing. +e<s pro$a$!y in his thirties& $rown hair %#t %!ose to his head !ike 0y!an
and a!! the other men. +is m#s%!es fi!! o#t his green shirt& and he stands on!y a %o#p!e in%hes
ta!!er than me.
*Of %o#rse. Can 9 see him@,
>e ride the e!evator down to the very $ottom f!oor& twe!ve. 0own the ha!!& we t#rn !eft and
wa!k a!! the way to the end of another ha!!way. >e stop at the door& and 9 try to smash my hair
down and straighten #p my %!othes. 9<m hard!y presenta$!e& $#t 9 didn<t think a$o#t %hanging
%!othes $efore %oming.
-an%e s%ans his %hip on the door& then his fingerprint& then a fo#r;digit se%#rity %ode. The
door opens and we s!ip inside Corne!i#s<s apartment.
Corne!i#s sits at his desk in a ro$e and reading g!asses. >hen he sees me& he %!oses a fo!der
and sets a $ook on top of it. +is fa%e !ights #p with a warm smi!e. Sometimes 9 think he and
-an%e are the on!y p!easant peop!e in the who!e %o!ony.
9 wa!k to him and !ean in for him to kiss my %heek& as he a!ways does. +e<s the on!y person
whose to#%h 9 a!!ow. That<s most!y $e%a#se 9 need his prote%tion from "athan& so 9 to!erate his
affe%tion.
As 9 p#!! away from him 9 rea!i?e Tit#s sits a%ross from Corne!i#s. 9 #s#a!!y on!y see him
%oming or going& so 9 never )#ite know how to a%t aro#nd him. B#t if he<s here& Corne!i#s tr#sts
him. Tit#s is the on!y person $esides -an%e from whom Corne!i#s doesn<t hide his affe%tion for
me.
-an%e is a!ways here $e%a#se he<s Corne!i#s<s persona! g#ard. 9<m here $e%a#se Corne!i#s
%ares a$o#t me'the da#ghter he never had or something !ike that. B#t why is Tit#s here@
9 p!op down in the empty %hair $eside Tit#s& and he )#i%k!y rises to offer his seat to -an%e.
+e stands near the desk with his hands $ehind his $a%k. 8s#a!!y he !eaves when 9 arrive.
*So !et<s hear a$o#t it., Corne!i#s smi!es.
9 %an<t he!p $#t grin. *Oh& nothing $ig. Testing o#t some new idea. Ao# know& same o!d.,
*She %o#!d have $roken her !eg or something&, -an%e %himes in& tapping the armrest with
his fingertips. *9<d rea!!y !ove if yo# %o#!d p#t some of that energy into end#ran%e training& or
more important!y for yo#& strength training., +e fina!!y !ooks at me instead of Corne!i#s.
*9 worked o#t in my %e!!., 9 %ross my arms& em$arrassed to $e s%o!ded in front of Tit#s. A
%o#p!e years ago& he was a fami!iar fa%e in the 8nderage %afeteria& $#t 9 don<t rea!!y know him.
*>hat happened to yo#r fa%e@, -an%e asks.
*9 got hit., 9 think $a%k to "athan hitting me& and try to p#sh the memory away. Corne!i#s
wo#!d $e angry to hear it& and 9 don<t think 9 sho#!d te!! him. 9 don<t think he<s fee!ing we!!
today.
*>hy didn<t yo# defend yo#rse!f@, -an%e sits forward in his %hair& meeting eyes $rief!y
with Tit#s.
9 s%ow! at him& and he seems to get my meaning immediate!y.
*Ao# know& not fighting $a%k makes yo# !ook weak&, Tit#s inter=e%ts& o$vio#s!y not
knowing that my atta%ker was "athan. 9 %an<t fight $a%k against him. S#re& it<s Corne!i#s who<s
rea!!y in %harge here& $#t 9 sense that even Corne!i#s fears "athan.
Tit#s sho#!dn<t $e en%o#raging me to fight anyway. 9 wonder if Tit#s knows that -an%e
trains me& sin%e it<s te%hni%a!!y i!!ega!.
*0o yo# want to !ook weak& Cori@, -an%e rea%hes a%ross the spa%e $etween #s and pokes
me in the ri$%age. 9 gra$ his hand and twist it $a%k& throwing my $ody into him as we $oth rise
from o#r %hairs.
+e wraps his free arm aro#nd my waist and !ifts me off the gro#nd& %arrying me into the
open spa%e in the %enter of the room. >hen he sets me on my feet& 9 d#%k and swipe at the hand
that rea%hes for me. +e ta#nts me with his fists& %oming at me from m#!tip!e dire%tions. 9 def!e%t
every attempt. B#t he<s not trying very hard.
-an%e fina!!y gets a hand past my g#ard and s!aps me somewhat gent!y on the %hin. *1ay
attention., 9 remem$er "athan<s %o!d fingers on my =aw& and heat r#shes to my %heeks. Anger&
too.
9 g!an%e over my sho#!der and see Corne!i#s propped forward with his e!$ows on the desk&
smi!ing. Tit#s wat%hes intent!y& $#t witho#t e(pression.
9 grit my teeth and throw a p#n%h at -an%e<s sho#!der& and miss. 9n ret#rn& he p!ants his fist
into my de!toid. >ith pain searing thro#gh my arm& 9 take a step $a%k from the fight.
*Ao# have to !earn to take a p#n%h& Cori., +e steps toward me. *Ao#<re distra%ted. /o%#s on
me. 0on<t think a$o#t him., +e means "athan. +e knows that<s who hit me. +e says it soft!y
eno#gh that Corne!i#s pro$a$!y didn<t hear& and 9 appre%iate it.
B#t 9 don<t stop thinking a$o#t "athan& instead he<s a!! 9 think a$o#t. The threat. The strike
to my fa%e. The s!imy !ook in his eyes. The fear 9 fe!t in that %e!!. And 9 atta%k -an%e& p#n%hes
f!ying& arms f!ai!ing. 9<m not even g#arding myse!f anymore. 9 take a sha!!ow p#n%h to the
ri$%age& $#t de!iver one as hard as 9 %an m#ster dire%t!y to -an%e<s fa%e. And 9 keep hitting.
+e gra$s me $y the wrists to stop me. *Eno#gh., 9 resist& t#gging my arms& $#t he ho!ds
tight!y.
*Cori&, Corne!i#s says. 9 stop in my tra%ks& em$arrassed $y the red mark on -an%e<s %heek.
As -an%e !ets go& Corne!i#s rises to meet me. *Are those $oys $#!!ying yo# again@, +is
eye$rows are drawn inward with %on%ern& f#rther a%%ent#ating his deep!y wrink!ed skin. B#!!ies
were the origina! reason Corne!i#s made -an%e start training me. That was ages ago.
*"o& sir. 9t<s nothing.,
*6et<s take yo# to get some rest., -an%e gra$s my e!$ow.
*9<m sorry& -., 9 !ook #p at him as 9 p#!! my e!$ow away.
On the way to the door& -an%e simp!y nods. +e doesn<t !ook angry& $#t he has a right to $e.
9<ve never hit him that hard& not in the fa%e. *9f yo# do it again& 9<!! give yo# a h#g.,
Nice play& 9 think.
Corne!i#s fo!!ows #s& and $efore 9 rea%h the door& 9 t#rn $a%k to him. +e wraps a fragi!e arm
aro#nd me and kisses my temp!e'something my father #sed to do. >hen 9 t#rn to the door& it<s
a!ready open and "athan stands there& g!aring at me. +is =aw is tight& and he thr#sts his hands
into his po%kets.
9f "athan had %ome a few moments sooner& he wo#!d have %a#ght #s fighting. "athan %an<t
know that -an%e trains me. /or my safety and -an%e<s.
Tit#s $egins to fo!!ow #s o#t& $#t Corne!i#s stops him. *Remem$er what 9 to!d yo#& son.,
Tit#s nods. *9 wi!!& sir.,
As 9 pass thro#gh the doorway with -an%e and Tit#s on my hee!s& "athan $a%ks away& not
so $ig and $ad with his father in the room. -an%e sh#ts the door a !itt!e harder than ne%essary
$efore !eading me $a%k to the e!evator.
E E E
.y room is how 9 !eft it& and my $ed !ooks inviting if for no other reason than it<s warm and
dry. 9 %he%k the ha!! $efore %!osing the door then %he%k #nder the $ed as we!!. >ith the %oast
%!ear& 9 s!ide my dresser'the on!y other pie%e of f#rnit#re $esides the $ed'to the opposite wa!!
and %!im$ atop it. 9 move the meta! grate away from the !arge vent and rea%h my hand inside. 9<m
p!eased when 9 wrap my fingers aro#nd the sma!! %anvas po#%h and rip it from the ve!%ro ho!ding
it there.
After 9 ret#rn the vent %over& 9 spraw! on my $ed and open the %ase. 9nside is a hand;he!d
devi%e that 0y!an fo#nd for me. The tiny s%reen is $roken& $#t the pro=e%tor sti!! works. >hen 9
t#rn it on& a !ight shines and 9 point it at the %ei!ing& where words appear. The devi%e has tons of
memory& storing h#ndreds of $ooks'history& fi%tion& poetry. Today& a man named >i!!iam
Shakespeare attempts to tea%h me of !ove& as he often does& $#t 9 fear 9<m not a worthy st#dent of
affe%tion. +is $ea#tif#! words e(ha#st me and 9 a!!ow myse!f to %!ose my eyes.
9 do not #nderstand Shakespeare& and 9 don<t #nderstand !ove. B#t the !ady poet& .i!!ay&
who speaks of freedom& 9 %an re!ate to. 9 think of her as 9 drift to s!eep.
I will be the gladdest thing
nder the sun!
I will touch a hundred "lowers
#nd not pick one.
I will look at cli""s and clouds
$ith %uiet eyes,
$atch the wind bow down the grass,
#nd the grass rise.
#nd when lights begin to show
p "rom the town,
I will mark which must be mine,
And then start down!
Chapter Two
Sti!! dreaming of wa!king free with f!owers and end!ess green hi!!s& 9 drag myse!f into
%ons%io#sness. 9t takes a moment for me to rea!i?e 9 haven<t woken myse!f #p& something e!se
has. 9t<s a!arming'no& it<s a%t#a!!y an a!arm. There are many types $#t this one is !ess severe
than others. They are %a!!ing #s to assem$!e.
>hen 9 rea%h the yard& most of the %o!ony is a!ready there& and "athan is standing atop some
wooden %rates with a mi%rophone and some type of amp!ifier. /rom the !ook of p!eas#re in his
eyes& 9 %an<t he!p $#t think this m#st $e $ad news.
*1eop!e of Anti#s& p!ease& %ome %!ose., +e waves peop!e %!oser& tho#gh 9 %an<t see how we
%an pa%k in any tighter. 9 a!ready fee! the heat of those aro#nd me& and 9<m thankf#! 9<m standing
near the $a%k so 9<m not %omp!ete!y %!osed in.
*Today we s#ffer a great !oss together. O#r fear!ess !eader& my father& has passed away.,
>ith a$so!#te!y no rea%tion from the %rowd& he rephrases. *Corne!i#s is dead.,
>hatever he says ne(t r#shes past in a $!#r. 9<m st#%k in the moment with the words
*Corne!i#s is dead, rever$erating in my sk#!!. Every hair on my arms stands on end as 9 rea!i?e
a!! at on%e the gravity of what he<s said. Corne!i#s is dead. Corne!i#s& my saving gra%e'who 9
saw =#st ho#rs ago'is dead. The man who !a#ghed at my sar%asm when "athan was enraged $y
it. The r#!er who disapproved of my tri%ks and s%hemes $#t for%ed "athan to p#nish me
mer%if#!!y. The on!y person keeping "athan from rea!!y h#rting me& is dead.
9 s%an the %rowd and manage to !o%ate 0y!an& whose eyes are a!ready !o%ked on me and
fi!!ed with %on%ern. 9 !ook away to find another pair of eyes& "athan<s. .y $ody goes %o!d& and 9
think 9 see him smirk for a fra%tion of a se%ond. This is $ad.
At !#n%h& the room is som$er& $#t norma! and order!y. Fids fi!e $y the $#ffet and sit )#iet!y
with their trays. 9 sit with A!yssa& wishing it were 0y!an instead. She<s dear to me& $#t o#r
friendship is sha!!ow. She doesn<t know me !ike he does& and 9 don<t tr#st her as m#%h. 9 %at%h
0y!an<s ga?e severa! times and wish he wo#!d re!a(. O#r friendship has a!ways managed to
offset the $est and worst of ea%h other<s moments'tho#gh 9 have more $ad moments than
anyone here'$#t right now 9 need him strong $e%a#se 9<m on the $rink of fa!!ing apart.
9 %an<t imagine what the death of Corne!i#s means other than "athan is now the n#m$er one.
+e has tota! %ontro!& %omp!ete a#thority. +is r#!e wi!! $e sovereign.
A %ommotion draws my attention away from my $ow! of m#%k& and 9 see him standing in
the doorway& "athan. 9<ve rare!y seen him set foot in this $#i!ding. 8s#a!!y government and
mi!itary dine in their own #ndergro#nd fa%i!ities. On!y %ivi!ians !ive topside.
&es messing with me, 9 think& s%ared $#t a !itt!e pissed off& too.
>hen he strides over and sits $eside me& a!! 9 %an think is that 9 sho#!d have sat with a
random today and not A!yssa. 9 hear her spoon shaking against her $ow! and 9 shoot her a )#i%k
!ook. She rights herse!f and p#!!s the spoon from the $ow!.
"athan takes a !ong& deep $reath and e(ha!es so s!ow!y it irritates me. 9 =#st wat%h him&
transfi(ed& not s#re what to do.
*Bood afternoon& 205. "i%e to see yo# again&, he says.
*+e!!o&, is a!! 9 %an manage.
*A $ow! for me& p!ease&, he sho#ts a%ross the room& whi%h has $een dead si!ent sin%e he
entered. A moment !ater& 0ottie %omes thro#gh the kit%hen door with a fresh& steaming $ow! of
s!#sh. She sets it soft!y $efore him then hands him a spoon& %aref#! not to make eye %onta%t.
Smart !ady.
"athan stirs the s!#sh gent!y and s%oops o#t a !itt!e. As he $!ows on the spoon to %oo! the
food& 9 g!an%e over my sho#!der and noti%e two g#ards $y the door.
"athan takes a sma!! $ite& %onsiders the food& moving it aro#nd in his mo#th. 9t seems to
take forever $efore he fina!!y swa!!ows and says& *9t<s horri$!e $#t it %ontains the ne%essary
n#trients. 9t keeps #s a!ive. Sometimes the things we need %ome in pa%kages we don<t en=oy., +e
seems to $e ta!king to no one in parti%#!ar& $#t 9 know it<s dire%ted at me.
9 %an fee! 0y!an staring& $#t 9 don<t %han%e !ooking $a%k and "athan fo!!owing my eyes to
him. 9<ve a!ready p#t A!yssa at risk $y sitting with her. Can<t p#t 0y!an in danger& too.
A!! of a s#dden& "athan perks #p and drops his spoon in the $ow!. +e stands and addresses
the who!e room. *The f#nera! for my father wi!! $e he!d at :00. Ao#r %aretakers wi!! make s#re
yo# have something proper to wear. A!! minors m#st $e present for an anno#n%ement
immediate!y fo!!owing the servi%e.,
.any %iti?ens have died& $#t none have earned a f#nera!& so this is new.
>hen 9 meet "athan<s eyes& he whispers& *Ao# sho#!d i%e yo#r %heek., Then he winks.
>inksC And 9 %an<t shake the fee!ing that something awf#! is %oming. /or a moment& a $rief
moment& 9 wish he wo#!d go ahead and p#t me o#t of my misery. 9f he wants me dead& 9<d $e
easy to ki!!& what with a!! the so!diers and weapons at his disposa!.
>hen he !eaves& 9 wait a$o#t two min#tes then $o!t for the door. A!yssa %a!!s after me& $#t 9
have to get o#t of here. 9 %an<t $reathe& and 9 need to think. 9 need to pro%ess.
After 9 $#st thro#gh my $edroom door& 9 s!am it then sink to the f!oor. >hen 9 draw my hand
to my fa%e& 9 rea!i?e for the first time that it<s sore. 9 poke aro#nd to fig#re o#t how $ig the mark
m#st $e. .ost of my %heek h#rts& as we!! as $oth sides of my =aw. 9 g#ess he gripped me harder
than 9<d rea!i?ed $efore he hit me.
9 %!ose my eyes remem$ering his %o!d fingers on my skin. 9 sh#dder and %an<t he!p the tears
that overwhe!m me. Two days ago& 9 was in %ontro! and #nto#%ha$!e. Today 9Gm nothing. 9<m a
vapor. A !itt!e gir! who %ries when someone p#ts on a !itt!e press#re. Savage!y wiping my tears
away& 9 drag myse!f o#t of my pity party. +ow am 9 going to fa%e the dangero#s wor!d on the
o#tside if 9 %an<t even ho!d it together in here@
No more tears, 'ori, 9 te!! myse!f.
A !ight tap on the door start!es me& and 9 =#mp to my feet as the kno$ t#rns. 0y!an s!ides
thro#gh the door. A!tho#gh 9<m re!ieved it<s on!y him& 9 %an<t $e!ieve he<s on the gir!s< f!oor. +e
sho#!dn<t $e here.
*>hat are yo# doing@, 9 h#g my %hest& gripping my waist& and 9 fee! myse!f $!#sh. 9 do#$t it
shows& tho#gh& sin%e my fa%e is pro$a$!y a!ready red.
*Every$ody is sti!! eating&, he whispers.
*+ow did yo# get #p in here@, 9 g!an%e at the door& thinking of the g#ard at the end of the
ha!!.
*Bathroom $reak., 9<m g!ad he<s $eing %a#tio#s. +e sho#!d $e. *>hat happened to yo#r
fa%e@ Are yo# okay@, +o!ding his hand awkward!y in the spa%e $etween #s& 9 %an te!! he wants
to to#%h my wo#nded fa%e& $#t refrains. 9<m thankf#! he<s so respe%tf#! of me. A!yssa is a !ot !ess
%onsiderate. She often throws an arm aro#nd my sho#!der& giving me a good s)#ee?e $efore 9 %an
s)#irm free.
9 try to so#nd okay& %as#a! even. *Oh& yo# know. H#st another night in the s!ammer.,
+is nostri!s f!are and his eyes widen. *>ho hit yo#@, There<s an edge to his voi%e now. 6ess
tender. 9 %an<t p!a%e it& $#t from the fists at his side& it might $e prote%tive.
*"athan., 9 !ook away& ashamed. S%ared.
*9 knew it., +e t#rns his $a%k& and a!! the m#s%!es are tensed $eneath his shirt. >hen he
s!ams his hand into the wa!!& 9 =#mp. 9 %an<t fig#re o#t what he<s thinking and it<s driving me
%ra?y.
A kno%k at the door sends $oth of #s into pani%. A!! 9 %an think is to hide 0y!an.
*8nder the $ed&, 9 hiss. On%e he<s hidden& 9 sit on the $ed and try to !ook %as#a!. *Come in.,
Binny steps inside& her arms f#!! of %!othing. She %!oses the door and !ets o#t a !itt!e e(ha!e&
seeming tired. Binny is my $e!oved %aretaker. +as $een ever sin%e 9 was seven& when 9 first
arrived at the %o!ony. She<s a !itt!e %o!d& $#t she has to $e. Sti!!& the %o!dness never rea%hes her
eyes and that<s how 9 know she %ares. +onest!y& she %o#!d pass for my motherD we have a!most
the same shade of straw$erry $!onde hair. B#t her eyes are $!#e& not $rown !ike mine.
She drops the %!othes $eside me. *>e need to get yo# presenta$!e.,
9 !ook myse!f over and wonder if that<s even possi$!e.
*8p& #p&, she $e%kons me to stand. >hen 9<m #p& she takes my p!a%e. 9 win%e a !itt!e&
hoping to Bod 0y!an doesn<t make a so#nd. 9f 9 get %a#ght with a $oy in my $edroom& 9<m a
goner for s#re. They don<t to!erate mi(ing %ompany !ike this. Even on%e we<re grown& we %an<t
engage in romanti% or intimate re!ationships. Reprod#%tion is stri%t!y san%tioned $y the
1op#!ation 0ivision.
*Off with them&, she says& gest#ring to my %!othes.
'lose your eyes, 9 think even tho#gh 0y!an %an<t hear me.
9 t#rn my $a%k to the $ed and drop my %otton pants& and strip off my gray t;shirt. 9 try to
%over myse!f as 9 !ook $a%k at Binny.
*Oh& great. Ao#<re fina!!y aware yo# have $reasts. H#st in time&, she %hirps.
9 fee! a heavy $!#sh a!! over& $#t 9 g#ess 9 haven<t had m#%h regard for the %hanges my $ody
has #ndergone these past %o#p!e of years. Binny ho!ds #p a sma!! pie%e of fa$ri% that %onf#ses
me& as it<s not !arge eno#gh to $e a shirt. 9 ho!d the thing with one hand sti!! %overing my %hest&
and !ook it over.
*>hat is it@, 9 ask& fee!ing si!!y that 9 don<t know.
*A $ra. Ao#<!! $e needin< to start wearin< one. Ao#<re a!most a woman now., +er voi%e
isn<t !ike the rest of o#rs. She has a different dia!e%t that she won<t te!! me how she %ame $y.
*Every day@, 9 ho!d it as far away as 9 %an.
*/or the rest o< yo#r !ife& dear.,
She shows me whi%h way it goes& and 9 s!ide it on over my head and shimmy the e!asti%
$and at the $ottom into p!a%e. 9<m a%t#a!!y gratef#! 9<m semi;%overed now. 0y!an had $etter not
$e !ooking.
*H#st $e g!ad it<s not the kind with wires& !ike mine. Ao# sho#!dn<t need them&, she says&
o$vio#s!y attempting to !ighten the mood. 9<m so tense& 9 know she %an te!! 9<m #n%omforta$!e.
*.eta! wires@ 9n yo#r $ra@, 9 ask.
She nods. 9 %an<t he!p $#t !ook at her %hest now& wondering why hers warrants something
mine does not. The o$vio#s answer is si?e& $#t may$e 9<m wrong.
*>ear this dress for the f#nera!. 9 don<t want to hear a word a$o#t it. Ao#r pants<!! $e right
here waitin< after dinner., >ith that& she !eaves.
9 s!ip into the dress& whi%h is $!a%k and %omes =#st $e!ow the knee. 9t doesn<t have s!eeves
and for some #nimagina$!e reason the ne%k!ine is %#t !ike a *-, that !ands way too %!ose to my
new $ra. 9 fee! naked and hate it.
*9 didn<t see anything&, 0y!an whispers. Dylan! /or a moment& 9<d forgotten he was there.
"ow 9<m $!#shing a!! over again.
+e starts to s!ide o#t from #nder the $ed& when another tap %omes at the door. 9 %an<t
imagine how anyone e!se %o#!d possi$!y need to see me. 0y!an drags himse!f $a%k #nder the $ed
as "athan steps thro#gh the door.
9f 9 fe!t naked thirty se%onds ago& it<s nothing %ompared to now. One %orner of "athan<s
mo#th t#rns into a %rooked grin as he !ooks me over& apparent!y p!eased with my dress. 9<!! have
to remem$er to ki!! Binny for this !ater.
*Ah& Cori. There yo# are&, he says& p#shing the door %!osed then %rossing his arms.
*9 hope yo# didn<t have to !ook too hard to find me right here in my room., Before today& 9
%o#!d te!! when my digs were getting to him. "ow& he<s %o!d as i%e. +ard as stone.
+e strides over to my $ed and sits right where Binny had. 9<m even more nervo#s now than
when Binny was in here. 9 te!! myse!f there<s no reason for "athan to !ook #nder the $ed& so !ong
as 0y!an stays )#iet& we<re safe.
"athan r#$s his serpentine fingers a%ross my pi!!ow and 9 %ringe& hoping my rev#!sion
doesn<t show. 9 remem$er& again& when those fingers were on my fa%e& and his threat that
a%%ompanied them. B#t he<s wrong. 9<m sti!! ten months from eighteen. >e don<t =oin o#r
0ivisions #nti! eighteen. 9 have ten months to get o#t. 9f 9 don<t& 9 will $e one of his so!diers and
won<t even have a %hoi%e. "one of #s do. .y e(amination res#!ts showed 9<m %#t o#t for one
thing4 vio!en%e. By defa#!t& 9<m p!edged to the B#ard.
+e takes a deep $reath and stares at me. &e cant touch me "or ten months. 9 p#sh away the
fa%t that he a!ready has to#%hed me and shove it far into the darkness somewhere.
*Ao#<re a mystery to me& yo# know&, he says. *And yo# fr#strate me., +is eyes s%r#tini?e
me again& and 9 fee! sweat $eading on the $a%k of my ne%k. *Ao# seem to %ontin#a!!y find new
ways to fr#strate me& a%t#a!!y.,
*>hat do yo# want from me@,
*Ao# see& that<s =#st it. 9 %an<t de%ide., +e ti!ts his head to the side& wrink!ing his nose.
*There<s a part of me that wonders if 9 %o#!d somehow harness a!! that rage& a!! that energy'the
ski!! even'and p#t it to good #se. 9f yo# %o#!d %hanne! yo#r passion toward the good of the
%o!ony instead of petty mis%hief ... we!!& yo#<d make a he!! of a so!dier.,
*The other part@, 9 ask& regretting it a!most immediate!y. >hy %an<t 9 keep my trap sh#t@
+e stands& %!asps his hands& and takes a few steps toward me. *The other part&, he starts as
sweat drips down my $a%k. *The other part wants to make yo# s#ffer. To p#nish yo# for yo#r
$!atant disrespe%t for my r#!es. Ao#r disregard for the we!!;$eing of this %o!ony and how it m#st
operate., +e<s $eginning to ye!! now& *The other part wants to s)#ee?e the !ife o#t of yo# and
parade yo#r $ody aro#nd as a trophy& so that everyone wi!! know that 9 a!one am sovereign& not
some p#nk kid with an attit#de pro$!em.,
9 don<t know how !ong 9<ve $een ho!ding my $reath& $#t 9 e(ha!e at the same time he does.
*These peop!e admire me. 9f yo# ki!! a seventeen;year;o!d gir! for some ego $oost& they<!!
revo!t. Ao#<!! make a martyr of me&, 9 say as $o!d!y as 9 %an.
*There are many ways 9 %an p#nish yo#., +e r#$s the $ottom of his shirt to wipe off dirt that
isn<t there& smoothing it over a few times& %as#a!!y.
*>e!!& yo# have ten months to de%ide.,
A %o!d& $i!!owing !a#gh es%apes him and sends a sh#dder thro#gh my $ones.
*Cori. 6itt!e gir!., +e<s in my fa%e now. *9n ten months& yo#<!! a!ready $e a mode! so!dier&
or yo#<!! $e dead. Ao#r de!in)#en%y has given me no %hoi%e $#t to e(pedite yo#r p!edge. 9<!! see
yo# at the f#nera!.,
H#st !ike that he<s o#t the door and 9<m staring at the wa!!& !istening to his footsteps fa!!ing
farther and farther away. 9 %an<t $e s#re $#t 9 think he =#st to!d me 9<m =oining the B#ard ear!y.
The B#ard means a %hip in my ne%k& and !iving in the mi!itary se%tor of the #ndergro#nd
fa%i!ity. 8nder the same roof as "athan. The B#ard means se%#rity %ameras& !o%ked doors& and
no windows. The B#ard means 9 %annot es%ape.
9 =#mp when two hands gra$ my sho#!ders& and 9 =erk away from the to#%h immediate!y&
even tho#gh 9 know it<s =#st 0y!an and he means we!!. +e a!ways means we!!. 9 wait for him to
te!! me it isn<t tr#e. 9 wish he wo#!d te!! me Corne!i#s is sti!! a!ive& and 9 sti!! have ten months to
es%ape. 9 wish he wo#!d te!! me 9<ve =#st woken #p from a nightmare. B#t he doesn<t.
*9<!! make yo# a new set as fast as 9 %an. 9<!! start tonight&, he whispers. >e $oth know it<!!
take at !east a week to forge a pair of wings witho#t $eing %a#ght. Somehow 9 do#$t we<ve got
that m#%h time.
*>e<ve got to get yo# o#t of here&, 9 say as 9 wa!k to the door. 9 p#sh him $ehind it as 9 peek
o#tside& finding the ha!! is $#st!ing with gir!s. 9 %!ose the door. 9 point at the air vent and wa!k
over to it. +e doesn<t fo!!ow. *9f yo# %raw! inside this vent& go !eft and take it a!! the way down&
it wi!! !ead yo# to a ret#rn vent in the gir!s< room& where the !a#ndry %h#te is. Bo down the %h#te&
%!im$ into the vent dire%t!y a$ove it& and go right. 9n ten yards yo#<!! rea%h the vent in yo#r
room.,
+e r#$s his $row& !ooking %omp!ete!y $aff!ed.
9 try to ass#re him& *9t<s okay& 9 rep!a%ed a!! the s%rews on the vent %overs with magnets.,
*Cori@, he m#m$!es.
*9t<s going to $e fine. 9 promise& 9 #se the d#%ts a!! the time. Ao#<!! =#st have to $e %aref#!...,
*Cori&, he says& more assertive!y.
*>hat@, >e<re wasting time. 9 !ook at the door& nervo#s!y& afraid someone e!se wi!! %ome
thro#gh it.
*Ao# know how to get to my room@,
And now 9<m $!#shing again& $#t 9 try my $est to p!ay it off& ad=#sting my dress. *Ao# know
how 9 %an<t s!eep sometimes. 9 =#st ... worry& and 9 !ike to make s#re yo#<re okay.,
*Rea!!y@,
*Aes. 9 %he%k on A!yssa& too., 9 hope the !ast $it wi!! %omfort him. 9 know he %ares for her.
+e seems to $e m#!!ing something over& $#t 9 %an<t read his e(pression. *Cori& there<s a
pro$!em.,
9 immediate!y start to $a%kpeda!& %ertain 9<ve =#st offended him. "ot respe%ted his priva%y.
*9<m sorry. 9 won<t do it anymore& 9 promise.,
*The pro$!em is there<s no way 9<!! fit thro#gh that vent.,
9 soak him in& then eye the vent. >hen 9 ret#rn to him& 9 rea!i?e he<s we!! over si( feet ta!!
and )#ite $#!ky. Tho#gh his waist is narrow& there<s no way his sho#!ders wi!! fit thro#gh the
ho!e in my %ei!ing. 9 $are!y fit thro#gh. 9 have no idea how 9<m going to get him o#t of here.
9 pa%e the f!oor& trying to think of something. 9 %he%k the ha!! one more time. Besides the
s%ores of gir!s& there<s a g#ard on %onstant d#ty at the end of the ha!!. They rotate twi%e a day&
twe!ve;ho#r shifts of nothing $#t sitting sti!!& and keeping wat%h& pro$a$!y wat%hing for things
e(a%t!y !ike this'a $oy in my room.
9 de%ide there<s nothing we %an do #nti! the ha!! %!ears o#t and 0y!an doesn<t seem to mind.
9<m not %on%erned with afternoon %!asses sin%e my !ife is $eing p#t on fast;forward.
0y!an %raw!s #nder my $ed in %ase someone %omes in& and 9 !ay on top of it fig#ring 9 might
as we!! rest $efore the f#nera!. .ay$e the gate wi!! magi%a!!y $e opened whi!e everyone is
distra%ted with the servi%e and no one wi!! noti%e me r#nning as fast as 9 %an to freedom.
8n!ike!y& $#t a gir! %an hope.
9 set my wat%h a!arm for 74I0 so we<!! have p!enty of time to get him o#t of here $efore the
gir!s %ome $a%k from %!asses to %hange %!othes for the f#nera!. .y eye!ids f!#tter and 9 a!!ow
sweet s!eep to %ome over me.
9n a semi;%ons%io#s state& 9 dream of nothingness'=#st $!a%k in every dire%tion. 9 don<t see
any fa%es& $#t 9 hear someone<s voi%e& and 9 have the sensation of ho!ding someone<s hand. 9
remem$er the !ast time 9 he!d someone<s hand and the memory =ars me awake. .y a!arm is
$eeping& and 0y!an is s!iding from #nder the $ed. 9 sh#t the a!arm off and sit #p& fee!ing groggy.
After a few deep $reaths& 9 s!ide my $oots on over a %!ean pair of so%ks. The $oots make the
dress !ook even more ridi%#!o#s& and 9<m g!ad. 9<m r#nning o#t of ways to re$e!.
9 %he%k the ha!!'it<s a!! %!ear e(%ept the g#ard. 9 %an fee! 0y!an<s $reath on me as he !eans
over my sho#!der to see. *Ready@, 9 whisper& witho#t !ooking #p at him.
*Aep.,
At that& 9 step into the ha!!& immediate!y drawing the g#ard<s attention. 9 stret%h my arms and
fake a yawn as 9 wa!k to the restroom. On%e 9 t#rn the %orner into the restroom& 9 %o#nt to five
then !et o#t a $!ood;%#rd!ing s%ream. >hen 9 hear the g#ard r#nning down the ha!!& 9 %ome o#t
and meet him at the door.
*.iss@,
*There is a huge $#g&, 9 say.
+e gr#m$!es something #nder his $reath then fo!!ows me into the room. 9 point to the far
%orner $y the showers and ye!!& *Over there., +e wa!ks to the %orner& !ooking aro#nd.
*>here@ Are yo# s#re@,
*Right there $y the drain&, 9 say& wa!king towards him. 9 peek into the drain. *Ew& did it
%raw! in there@ >hat if it<s poisono#s@,
*9 do#$t there<s a $#g& $#t if yo# see it again& !et me know. 9<ve got to get $a%k to my post.,
*.an& that was a gross $#g. 9<m going to r#n some water down that drain. .ay$e 9<!! drown
it.,
*Bood !#%k& miss&, he says as he p#!!s the door open. *Sho#!dn<t yo# $e in %!ass@,
*.y %aretaker e(%#sed me& had a fever this morning., 9 smi!e a !itt!e& trying to !ook
inno%ent.
+e nods and !eaves the room. 9 r#n the shower for a moment and sho#t into the drain& *9
hope yo# die., 9 s#ppress a !a#gh and sh#t off the shower.
>hen 9 get $a%k to my room& 0y!an is gone and 9 ass#me he made it downstairs and to his
room witho#t tro#$!e. 9 won<t know #nti! 9 see him at the assem$!y !ater.
The ha!! $egins to fi!! #p again& even more than it had on !#n%h $reak. 9 head toward
A!yssa<s room. On the way& 9 noti%e a$o#t ha!f the gir!s are a!ready dressed #p for tonight& and of
those& not a sing!e one is dressed !ike me. "o one<s %o!!ar $ones are e(posed& nor their sho#!ders.
9 %an fee! inno%ent eyes fi(ed on me& and 9 pretend 9<m perfe%t!y %omforta$!e in this a$s#rd
dress.
A!yssa finds me near her door& %!ear!y am#sed $y the sight of me.
*+ave yo# seen Binny@ >hat are yo# wearing tonight@, 9 ask.
*9<m wearing this&, she says& !ooking down at a !onger& dark gray dress with !ong s!eeves
and a we!!;%overed %hest. 9 %an<t he!p $#t noti%e Jthanks to BinnyK that her %hest is a!so $igger
than mine& and wonder if she wears a wire $ra& too. 9 shake the tho#ghts away and fo!!ow A!yssa
into her room.
9 p!op onto her $ed as she !ooks herse!f over in the mirror $ehind her door. 9 don<t have one&
$#t if 9 !ooked !ike her 9<d %onsider it.
*>hy<d yo# get the pretty dress@ 9 wo#!d think he wo#!d have noti%ed me& too&, she
e(%!aims& envying this st#pid rag.
*+e& who@ >hat are yo# ta!king a$o#t@, 9 ask.
*"athan&, she gr#m$!es. *+e %hose that dress for yo#. 9 he!ped Binny sort the pi!e they
dropped off.,
9 rise and stand fa%e;to;fa%e with her. *>hat do yo# mean@,
*9 mean "athan handed that dress to Binny and said it was spe%ifi%a!!y for yo#. Something
a$o#t a L$ig day.<,
9 %at%h a g!impse of myse!f in the mirror and 9<m )#ite s#rprised to find the dress is a perfe%t
fit& $#t 9 hate the way it h#gs my %hest and hips. 9 hate that in =#st a sma!! way& "athan<s made a
de%ision for me.
9 stare at myse!f a moment !onger and %an<t he!p $#t think how m#%h ni%er this dress wo#!d
!ook on A!yssa. 9 think she wo#!d $e more than happy to p#t her %#rves on disp!ay. +er arms and
!egs are a%t#a!!y feminine& too& instead of skinny and toned !ike mine. 9 !ook !ike a thirteen;year;
o!d $oy. 9<m ta!!er& tho#gh& and 9<m happy for that.
9 sit $eside her on the $ed and try to re!a( !ike she<s doing. "orma!!y& 9<m more %aref#!
a$o#t spending time with her& $#t this %o#!d very we!! $e o#r !ast %han%e to hang o#t. Soon 9<!!
$e in the B#ard 0ivision& and ne(t year she<!! $e in the 1op#!ation 0ivision. 9 honest!y think
she<!! $e happy there. She was %hosen for reprod#%tion $ased on her s#perior geneti% make#p&
that and her !a%k of other spe%ifi% profi%ien%y. She took it as a %omp!iment.
She<!! $e a mother some day& tho#gh that doesn<t )#ite mean what it #sed to. 9 on!y know
different $e%a#se 9 wasn<t $orn here& so 9 had a rea! one. +ere the mothers on!y $reed. To prevent
strong materna! atta%hments& %aretakers !ike Binny do the raising.
Of %o#rse& in order for A!yssa to reprod#%e& someone<s going to have to to#%h her. The
tho#ght makes me %ringe& and 9<m thankf#! for a $rief moment 9 was %hosen for B#ard. 9f 9 don<t
find a way to es%ape& at !east 9 %an p!ay the part.
Chapter Three
>hen A!yssa and 9 get to the !awn where the %o!ony is gathered& the air is ni%e and %risp&
and 9 en=oy the wind on my %heeks. Corne!i#s<s $ody !ies in a meta! %asket atop a p!atform. On
the same p!atform& there<s a podi#m& whi%h 9 ass#me "athan wi!! take to at any min#te.
A!yssa s%ans the %rowd& and 9 ass#me she<s !ooking for 0y!an& same as 9<m doing& $#t
neither of #s sees him. >e find a p!a%e to stand near the $a%k and sett!e in& hoping the assem$!y
won<t take too !ong. The s#n<s on its way down and on%e it<s gone& the temperat#re wi!! drop
fast. The dark gray %!o#ds are =#st as heavy d#ring the day as at night& $#t the s#n is $right
eno#gh to penetrate them and warm the air. The moon and stars are distant memoriesD no$ody<s
$een a$!e to see them in years.
Aro#nd me& every$ody seems to $e nervo#s& yet so!emn somehow& too. 9 #nderstand why'9
fee! the same way. >hi!e Corne!i#s was $y no means an idea! !eader& he tried his $est to $e =#st.
9 remem$er when he took me in. .y father had $een atta%ked $y savages and an Anti#s
%onvoy had pi%ked me #p. They were re!#%tant to $ring me to the %o!ony $e%a#se& at the time&
they %o#!dn<t test for infe%tion. Corne!i#s !ooked me over himse!f and determined 9 was fine.
"athan threw a fit& $#t Corne!i#s said& *She<s =#st a %hi!d& and she<s perfe%t!y hea!thy.,
9 %ried as they dragged me from my !ife!ess father& $#t Corne!i#s he!d me in his arms the
who!e way $a%k to Anti#s. "ow 9 stand !ooking at his %offin from a !ong distan%e wondering if
anyone he!d him as he drew his !ast $reaths. 9 g#arantee "athan didn<t.
9 ti!t my head $a%k so the poo!ing tears won<t fa!!. "o$ody has seen me %ry in years. That<s a
gem 9 reserve for the priva%y of my own room. 9 on!y have my own room& $y the way& $e%a#se 9
was deemed an #ns#ita$!e roommate when 9 was ten. Roommates a%t#a!!y share $eds here and
apparent!y 9 thrash. 9<m $etter off a!one& that<s for s#re. A!yssa<s roommate is on!y nine. 9 %an<t
imagine sharing a $ed with a !itt!e gir!.
9 hear a high;pit%hed s)#ea!. At the podi#m& "athan taps a mi%rophone that<s amp!ified $y
overhead speakers'the same ones that $!are the sirens and warnings.
*Today we honor a great man&, "athan $egins. *A man who spent his hard;earned reso#r%es
to $#i!d a $#nker. A man who $ro#ght in as many peop!e as he %o#!d to ride o#t the war safe!y
#ndergro#nd., "athan gest#res to the %ompo#nd aro#nd #s& *+e $#i!t this p!a%e for #s. A safe
p!a%e.,
>e<ve a!! heard this story. By the time the %hemi%a! warfare rea%hed its peak on Ameri%an
soi!& ha!f the %o#ntry had a!ready eva%#ated to other nations. Of those !eft $ehind& most were
ki!!ed. The $om$s were so powerf#!& entire %ities were destroyed& and the !and was !eft to(i%. The
peop!e who were !#%ky eno#gh to find room in $#nkers s#rvived. Those who !eft the $#nkers too
soon were infe%ted $y the %hemi%a! fa!!o#t that t#rned them into vio!ent savages. 9<ve heard
r#mors that the anima!s had m#tated into a!together new things'monsters even.
Anti#s was $orn o#t of an #ndergro#nd gro#p of s#rvivors that had the means'thanks to
Corne!i#s'to stay down !ong eno#gh.
*Today we honor o#r gra%io#s fo#nder& 000., At that we a!! $ow o#r heads& and no one
makes a so#nd for what seems !ike ho#rs.
>hen 9 open my eyes& "athan is s%anning the %rowd and he makes eye %onta%t with me for a
sp!it se%ond $efore moving on to those aro#nd me. +onest!y& what he said wasn<t so $ad. B#t 9
know he<s not done& espe%ia!!y %onsidering his ha!f;smirk as he s%ans the %rowd of peop!e who
are a!! mo#rning his father'something $eneath him.
The kids& at !east& %ared for Corne!i#s. +e was the on!y !eader to ever spend time in the
8nderage fa%i!ity. The ad#!ts& 9<m not s#re. 9t doesn<t seem !ike they %are for m#%h of anything.
That<s something 9 definite!y have not fig#red o#t in my time here.
"athan takes a deep $reath. +e nods to a few so!diers who remove the %asket and %arry it to
a fresh grave $y the fen%e. They set the %asket ne(t to the grave and shove it inside& not $othering
to keep it right side #p.
*>hat a disgra%e& those $r#tes hand!ing him that way&, 9 whisper to A!yssa. She frowns a
!itt!e& and 9 keep my attention on the g#ards $#rying Corne!i#s as "athan res#mes his spee%h.
*As yo#r new !eader& 9 wi!! %ontin#e to ens#re safety and hea!th. 9f yo# have not a!ready
!earned so& 9 am a very different man than my father was., nderstatement o" the decade. *As
s#%h a few things wi!! %hange as we a!! sett!e into this great new era of o#r %o!ony<s history.,
A few peop!e here and there m#ster app!a#se. 9 %an<t find it within myse!f& so 9 a$stain.
/ina!!y& 9 for%e myse!f to !ook at "athan& and his ga?e is on%e again a!ready on me.
*/irst order of $#siness& we are !owering the age re)#irement for p!a%ement to seventeen.
Effe%tive tomorrow& every seventeen;year;o!d wi!! $e integrated into their p!edged divisions.,
A %o!!e%tive gasp es%apes the %aretakers standing $ehind #s. They didn<t see this %oming&
that m#%h is %!ear. The weight of everything takes a moment to register& $#t then it hits me hard
and fast.
9t<s not =#st me he<s fast;tra%king& it<s a!! of #s. 0y!an& A!yssa& and everyone e!se o#r age. 9
%an<t he!p thinking this is a!! my fa#!t. A!yssa wi!! $e $red !ike a pet& and 0y!an wi!! $e moved
into the s%ien%e division. A!tho#gh& it %o#!d $e worse for 0y!an& honest!y& sin%e he<s s#re to
thrive there. That department in%!#des %hemists& physi%ists& do%tors& and inventors. Tho#gh he<s
ski!!ed at te%hno!ogy and innovation& he<s p!edged to %hemistry. S%ien%e is great for 0y!an& tr#!y&
$#t if he goes down tomorrow& there<s no way he<!! $e $#i!ding my new pair of wings. There
goes my e(it strategy.
A!yssa is st#nned& and 9 %an<t think of a way to %omfort her. The pani% in her eyes makes me
fee! !ike she<s on!y a %hi!d& and 9<ve for%ed her to grow #p a!most a who!e year too soon.
>ith no %!osing& nor dismissa!& "athan !eaves the stage and retreats to the #ndergro#nd
fa%i!ity where 0y!an and 9 wi!! $e tomorrow. 9 try to find %omfort in knowing we<!! sti!! $e #nder
the same roof& $#t 9 know it wi!! $e infinite!y more diffi%#!t to see or speak to him.
Right now a!! 9 %an think a$o#t is the fa%t that A!yssa is a$o#t to $e %hanged forever& and
this might as we!! $e o#r !ast night as friends. As the %rowd starts to sh#ff!e aro#nd and head
$a%k to their $#i!dings& 9 rea%h down to gra$ A!yssa<s hand $#t stop short. 9 pi%t#re myse!f giving
her a simp!e s)#ee?e to !et her know 9 %are& and that 9<m sorry& $#t 9 %an<t make myse!f do it. 9
wish 9 %o#!d.
0y!an p#shes his way thro#gh the %rowd and a wave of re!ief takes me over. *Oh& thank
Bod&, 9 say soft!y.
*>hat for@, he asks.
*0idn<t know if yo# made it o#t okay.,
*O#t of where@, A!yssa !ooks perp!e(ed. 9 didn<t $other te!!ing her he<d visited my room
$e%a#se 9 tho#ght she<d get the wrong idea. 9 wish 9 hadn<t said anything.
*9 got )#estioned $y some g#ards after !#n%h. They were asking a$o#t Cori., 9<m gratef#!
$#t don<t rea!!y know why he<s !ying. +e<s pro$a$!y ashamed.
*Oh&, she m#m$!es& *That<s terri$!e. >hat happened@,
*B#ys&, 9 interr#pt. *9<m s',
*>e know&, 0y!an ass#res& not wanting me to finish the senten%e anymore than 9 do.
>e head $a%k inside together& and 9 rea!i?e it<s a!ready dark& and 9<m free?ing. A!yssa<s eyes
f!oat over to 0y!an severa! times and 9 %an<t imagine how m#%h she<s going to miss him. 9 h#rt
for her& tr#!y. Even tho#gh the o#t%ome a year from now wo#!d have $een the same as
tomorrow<s& 9 somehow fee! !ike 9<ve taken their inno%en%e in one fe!! swoop. .ay$e in another
time& in another p!a%e& these two %o#!d have $een happy together. Somewhere they wo#!d $e
a!!owed to to#%h ea%h other& and a!!owed to !ove ea%h other. A wor!d where "athan didn<t e(ist&
and neither did 9.
1erhaps every$ody here is $etter off with me gone after a!!& !ike 9<d a!ways tho#ght. 9 =#st
wish 9 wasn<t making s#%h a mess of things $efore 9 go.
E E E
At dinner& 9 sit at a ta$!e a!one& grow!ing at anyone who tries to =oin me. 9 $are!y eat'on!y a
few $ites of $read dipped in s!#sh. 9 try hard to form#!ate some kind of p!an $#t nothing %omes to
mind.
On the way to o#r rooms& 9 %at%h #p to A!yssa and t#g her into the restroom. She !ooks at my
hand on her arm with her eyes $#!ging o#t and 9 !et it go wondering if 9 gra$$ed her too hard.
*9..., 9 fee! !ost for words. *9<m sorry.,
*Cori& it<s okay. Ao# didn<t do anything wrong&, she te!!s me. 9t warms me inside o#t to
have her affirmation& and 9 p#!! her into a )#i%k em$ra%e. At first she<s st#nned& then wraps her
arms aro#nd me& too.
*9<!! miss yo#&, 9 whisper in her ear& then p#!! away.
*>hy do 9 fee! !ike yo#<re saying good;$ye@,
*9 am.,
E E E
9<m rest!ess tonight'my !ast night in this $ed. 9 wonder what tomorrow wi!! $ring& and what
the s%ien%e division wi!! $e !ike for 0y!an. S#re!y his integration won<t $e as rigoro#s as mine.
B#t it<s rea!!y A!yssa 9<m worried a$o#t. 9 %an<t think of any training that wo#!d need to go into
reprod#%tion'from what 9 #nderstand it<s instin%t#a!. 9<m worried that she<!! wish she %o#!d
%hange her mind& or that someone wi!! h#rt her. >i!! it $e on her own terms@ >i!! her first mate
$e kind@
Before 9 rea!i?e it& 9<m pa%ing the f!oor !ike a %aged anima!. So many )#estions& and 9<!!
never know the answers $e%a#se 9<!! pro$a$!y never see A!yssa again for more than a passing
g!an%e a%ross a %ommon area. 9 %an<t ta!k to 0y!an anymore& either.
9 fee! more a!one now than 9 ever have. 9 tho#ght that<s what 9 wanted& $#t the rea!ity of it
stings. 9 don<t think 9 rea!!y e(pe%ted to $e a!one forever& event#a!!y 9 wo#!d find another %o!ony.
They say no others e(ist& $#t we %an<t $e the on!y ones. .ay$e es%ape was a %hi!dish dream'
simp!y the whim of an advent#rer. 1erhaps 9<!! thrive as a so!dier& taking orders from "athan
B#rke& $#t right now the tho#ght si%kens me.
9 need to see 0y!an.
9 s!ide my dresser over and p#!! the vent open. On%e inside& 9 p#t the %over $a%k in p!a%e&
ens#ring the magnets have %a#ght $efore 9 !et it go. 9t doesn<t take !ong to make my way to
0y!an<s vent& tho#gh 9 pro$a$!y made more noise than 9 sho#!d have. 9<ve never a%t#a!!y
removed this vent $efore& so 0y!an wi!! have to remove it from the inside.
9<m not s#re how to wake him #p witho#t making too m#%h noise. The d#%t 9<m in wi!! %arry
so#nd to other vents and rooms& and straight to the g#ard on this f!oor. 9 sigh& rea!i?ing 9 haven<t
tho#ght this thro#gh.
*Cori@,
9 s)#int& trying to make him o#t in the pit%h dark.
*Cori& is that yo#@, he whispers again& a !itt!e !o#der this time.
*Aeah., 9<m fro?en sti!!.
*>hat are yo# doing@,
*9 =#st wanted to see yo#'to ta!k to yo#& 9 mean., 9<m f#m$!ing over my words.
*+ow do 9 !et yo# in@,
*Can yo# rea%h the vent %over@, 9 ask.
*Aeah., 9 see his hand s#dden!y right in front of the vent. +e %an rea%h it witho#t standing
on f#rnit#re. +ow did 9 never rea!i?e how ta!! he is@
*+ere&, 9 say as 9 pass a tiny m#!ti;too! thro#gh the vent with the s%rewdriver p#!!ed o#t.
0y!an re!eases the s%rews and p#ts the vent %over on the f!oor. 9 s!ide thro#gh the vent !egs
first& and 0y!an %at%hes me with one arm aro#nd my midd!e and the other on my $a%k. >hen 9
!et go of the vent& 0y!an shifts me with ease and sets me on my feet& tho#gh his hand sti!! !ingers
on my !ower $a%k. .y skin a%hes where he<s to#%hing me and 9 wish 9 didn<t have to p#!! away&
$#t 9 do.
9 take a few steps a%ross the room and t#rn to fa%e him. 9 wish there was eno#gh !ight to
make o#t his e(pression& $#t 9 have no %!#e how he<s fee!ing or what he<s thinking'if he<s
angry& if he<s h#rt or sad.
Apparent!y he<s wondering what 9<m thinking& too& $e%a#se he asks& *Are yo# okay@,
9<m not s#re how to answer that& honest!y. 9 don<t know that 9<ve ever $een okay& or that 9
ever wi!! $e. *9 want yo# to forgive me., 9 !ift my hands to p!ead& $#t 9 withdraw them when he
steps toward me.
+e stops himse!f $efore getting %!ose eno#gh to make me #n%omforta$!e. *Cori& yo# have
nothing to $e sorry for.,
*9 do. 9 rea!!y do. 9 did this to a!! of #s. "athan is p#nishing everyone $e%a#se of me&, 9 say
so fast 9 don<t even rea!i?e 9<ve started to %ry. 9<m thankf#! it<s too dark for my tears to show& $#t
9<m s#re 0y!an %an hear them in my voi%e.
*9<m tired of grade s%hoo! anyway., +e dips his head& his sho#!ders h#n%hed forward. +is
hands are awkward at his sides& !ike he<s trying to keep them sti!!. *9<m ready for more
%ha!!enging work. And 9 %an on!y imagine the te%hno!ogy 9<!! have at my disposa!. Ao# haven<t
done me a disservi%e. Rea!!y., +e says these p!easant things& $#t there<s something in his voi%e
that so#nds far from happy. +e<s trying to make me fee! $etter.
*B#t A!yssa&, 9 whimper& drawing my hand to %over my fa%e.
+e takes a moment to respond and 9 rea!i?e 9<ve hit a nerve. *A!yssa<s going to $e fine., +e
sits on his $ed.
*Stop it&, 9 say too !o#d!y. >e $oth pa#se and !isten for movement& for footsteps in o#r
dire%tion. "othing %omes.
*Stop what@,
*Stop pretending everything is okay. Everything is not okay&, 9 say as )#iet!y as 9 %an. 9 t#rn
toward the wa!!& with my forehead against the %o!d %on%rete. (verything is not okay.
+e doesn<t respond& and 9<m not s#re what he %o#!d say anyway. Regard!ess& my words
aren<t %oming together.
9 pa%e the room to get my tho#ghts going. *.ay$e 9 %an sneak o#t. 9<!! r#n as fast as 9 %an to
the fen%e and =#st %!im$ it. 9<m a fast r#nner& a fast %!im$er., .y head<s ra%ing with detai!s. B#t
most important!y& the fen%e<s e!e%tri% %harge is formida$!e.
*Ao# know yo# %an<t do that&, he whispers& %on%ern growing in his voi%e.
*9<!! wear g!oves& good shoes.,
*6isten to me&, he grow!s& and 9 stop %o!d. *Ao#<re not going to do thatD yo#<d get yo#rse!f
ki!!ed. "o. Ao#<re going to $ide yo#r time. Ao#<re going to wake #p in the morning& eat
$reakfast& and start yo#r training. Ao# need to prove yo#rse!f.,
9 try to interr#pt& $#t he stands and moves toward me& ho!ding his hand in the air to stop me
from ta!king.
*"o. Ao# earn their tr#st and try to get assigned to a %onvoy. On%e yo#<re o#tside the safe
?one& yo# %an r#n. 0o yo# #nderstand@,
9 m#m$!e something that even 9 don<t #nderstand.
*Aes@, he whispers. 9 didn<t rea!i?e he<d moved %!oser $#t he<s in%hes away from me.
*Aes.,
*>hat are yo# going to do@, he asks.
*1!ay the part. >ait ti!! it<s safe.,
+e nods and then stares at me for a moment. +e seems sad and 9 %an on!y spe%#!ate as to
why.
*9<m going to miss A!yssa., 9t %omes o#t as $are!y a whisper. +e nods again& sti!! !ooking
sad. .ay$e that<s what he was thinking& too.
9 fee! his eyes $#rning into me& even tho#gh 9 %an<t rea!!y see them. +is $reathing so#nds
heavier& faster. +ave 9 #pset him@ +e s)#ee?es his fists& then knee!s with his hands on his head.
>at%hing his $ody rea%t to sadness h#rts me to the %ore'he<s my %!osest friend. 9 start toward
him& not s#re what 9<!! do when 9 get there. +e !ifts his hand and rea%hes for mine& $#t mere!y
gra?es it instead of !at%hing on. To my s#rprise& the swift gest#re doesn<t $other me at a!!.
+e fina!!y regains his %ompos#re and s!ows his $reathing $efore fina!!y speaking. *9<!! miss
her& too.,
0y!an he!ps me $a%k into the vent and rep!a%es the %over with my s%rewdriver. As he passes
it $a%k to me& he whispers& *Try to get some rest.,
>hen 9 ret#rn to my room& 9 p!op onto my $ed !ike 9 weigh a tho#sand po#nds. Every sing!e
part of me fee!s e(ha#sted and heavy& a!! e(%ept the very edge of my hand'the p!a%e where
0y!an to#%hed me. That part fee!s !ight as a feather. 9 think of his massive hand and gent!e to#%h
as 9 fina!!y drift to s!eep.
In my mind, Dylans hands "ade into another pair, the hands o" my "ather. They toil over
loading a weapon with new ammunition while empty casings cover the "loor. I am seven again,
and Im crying in a corner while savages pound on the building we hide in. &e snaps the clip
into the gun. )ets move.*
&e stands and I "ollow as "ast as I can. &e begins to climb a metal ladder to the second
"loor. $hen he looks down to check on me, I reach "or his hand, but he doesnt grab it.
+ou can do it by yoursel",* he assures me.
I grit my teeth and grab rung a"ter rung until were both securely on the second "loor. I hear
glass breaking below, and a savage hoots to rally the others. The staircase "rom the "irst "loor
has "allen in, but here on the second "loor, its intact. $e run up the stairs and the bag on my
back "eels heavier by the minute. The growls o" the savages echo throughout the building and my
tiny hands tremble.
#"ter an eternity o" stairs, my "ather pushes through a door and we spill out onto the
roo"top. I trip on the threshold and scrape both knees. &e grabs me ,ust above the elbow and
swoops me to my "eet and away "rom the door be"ore he slams it closed. &e takes a %uick survey
o" the buildings around us be"ore deciding on the roo"top closest to us.
$e ,og to the edge and peer over. &e ties a rope around my chest then gets a running start
-with no warning to me-and ,umps to the ad,acent building. .y heart is pounding so hard I
cant hear his instructions "rom the other side. &es pointing to my back, I think. It must be the
backpack.
I get a running start, like he had, and launch mysel" into the divide. I dont even come close
to reaching the other building and Im crashing toward the brick wall. I twist my body to
position the backpack between me and the wall right be"ore I slam into it. The pack cushions the
blow, and I "eel my dad hoisting me up by the rope until my "ingertips reach the roo"s edge.
Daddy,* my tiny voice calls out.
&e shakes his head. +ou can do it. 'limb up.*
I hold tight, my hands trembling on the edge. I pull mysel" to where I can throw an elbow
over, but I slip and lose my grip. &e catches my hand and tugs me up, then kisses my "orehead.
+ou did great, baby. /ne day you wont need me. +oull get bigger and stronger, and
youll always remember what Ive taught you. 0romise you will.*
I promise.*
I love you.*
I love you, too, Daddy.*
&e pulls one o" his handguns "rom his belt and stu""s it in my backpack. $e climb down the
"ire escape on the "ar side o" the building and disappear down a dark street, leaving behind the
sounds o" savages yelling as they rampage.
Chapter Four
9 wake #p tro#$!ed after managing a few ho#rs of s!eep. 9 try to remem$er that my father
raised me to do things on my own& $#t 9<ve $e%ome too dependent. 9 have to fig#re o#t how to
get o#t of here witho#t #sing 0y!an as a %r#t%h. +e %an<t get me %#stom gripping g!oves& or $#i!d
new wings'or whatever other thing his mind %o#!d fa$ri%ate. 9<m on my own again. 9t<s $etter
this way. Better for everyone.
>hen 9 throw my !egs over the edge of the $ed& 9 noti%e a fo!ded pie%e of paper $y the door.
9 pi%k it #p and #nfo!d it. 9t<s a hand;written note on stiff& white paper.
0ack your bag. +ou will be escorted
to break"ast at 1211.*
.y wat%h shows 03M0. 9 won<t have time to shower& so 9 get myse!f dressed and throw the
rest of my %!othes in a $ag. Binny kno%ks )#iet!y $efore stepping into my room. She p#ts her
hands in her po%kets. She !ooks at me& $#t not in the eye.
*.orning. "eed he!p with anything@,
*8mm ... no. 9 got it.,
*Okay., She %ontin#es to stand there. Then it dawns on me4 9<m %onsidered an ad#!t as of
today. "o more Binny.
*9<ve got a!! my %!othes pa%ked., 9 regret not in%!#ding her in what 9<ve a!ready done.
*Ao# didn<t hide the $ras #nder the $ed to !eave them $ehind& eh@,
*"o& ma<am., 9<m rea!!y going to miss her.
*>e!!& 9 =#st wanted to see yo# off.,
*Thank yo#& Binny. /or everything.,
*Cori& 205& yo# were a pain in my ne%k& $#t it<s $een a p!eas#re to know yo#., She a!most
so#nds !ike herse!f again. Caretakers stand in for mothers in Anti#s $e%a#se mothers $e%ome
over!y atta%hed. Caretakers are norma!!y )#ite distant& and #p ti!! now that in%!#ded Binny. Sti!!&
9<m happy to know she fee!s something'anything'for the $iggest tro#$!emaker she<s ever
tended.
A kno%k at the door $reaks the moment& whi%h is good $e%a#se had we gone m#%h !onger 9
think Binny might<ve tried to h#g me.
Binny opens the door to revea! the fema!e so!dier& M:3& who stands with her arms $ehind her
$a%k. +er straight& dark hair is s!i%ked $a%k into a !ong ponytai!. 9 wish 9 had something to
%ompare her to& $#t 9<ve never seen another fema!e so!dier. Regard!ess& she !ooks !ike perfe%tion
to me. And if 9 saw any honor in serving a !eader !ike "athan& 9 might admire her.
*1!edge 205& p!ease fo!!ow me&, she demands.
>ith my $ag over my sho#!der& 9 nod my good$ye to Binny. She waves as 9 !eave with M:3.
>e !eave the 8nderage fa%i!ity and trek a%ross the property to an e!evator that 9 don<t yet
see. As we near& it as%ends from the gro#nd. .y es%ort p#ts her ne%k $y the %hip reader& and
when the e!evator doors open& she #shers me in. 9 soak in what !itt!e day!ight !ingers #nti! we<re
p#!!ed $e!ow gro#nd.
>e stop on the se%ond f!oor and go aro#nd the first %orner to the %afeteria. 9 make a menta!
note of its !o%ation and f!oor.
*Ao# %an !eave yo#r $ag here., She points to the f!oor $eside the door. 9 do as she says.
This %afeteria is m#%h ni%er than the 8nderage one& and m#%h $igger& too& sin%e mi!itary is
the !argest se%tor of o#r pop#!ation. 0o?ens of ro#nd ta$!es with eight or so %hairs are spread
aro#nd the dining ha!!. The %o!ors are warmer& darker& %o?ier. The Bovernment division shares
this spa%e apparent!y& whi%h wo#!d e(p!ain its !avish sty!ing. Even tho#gh it<s a shared spa%e&
there<s a %!ear divide $etween them'a !arge wa!kway. To the right of it sit the e!ite mem$ers of
Bovernment. To the !eft are B#ard ta$!es.
M:3 !eads me #p the ais!e and we ea%h gra$ a tray. 9 fo!!ow her !ead and !oad #p a p!ate of
food. To my de!ight& there<s an array of $reads to %hoose from& and a few different f!avors of
mea! s!#sh. 9 %hoose the one !a$e!ed *%hi%ken, as we!! as two different types of $read. .y eyes
fee! !ike they<re $#!ging o#t and 9 don<t think 9<ve $!inked sin%e we wa!ked in. "e(t& she gra$s a
meta! %an and sits down at an empty ta$!e. 9 do the same and wait for her to $egin.
*Cori& right@,
*Aeah'9 mean& yes ma<am., 9 rea!i?e 9 have no idea what<s e(pe%ted of me right now. 9s
this part of my assessment@ 9s M:3 a threat to me@
*Ao# %an %a!! me Captain when we<re on d#ty&, she e(p!ains.
*Oh& 9 didn<t know yo# were an offi%er., 9t<s a midd!e rank& $#t impressive sti!!.
*Ao# %an %a!! me .arsiana in private time.,
*Thank yo#& ma<am. +ow m#%h private time is there@,
*"ot m#%h& $#t we<re roommates., She so#nds somewhat disp!eased. Sin%e she<d $een the
on!y fema!e $efore 9 %ame a!ong& she had pro$a$!y grown a%%#stomed to rooming a!one =#st !ike
9 had.
>ith the forma!ities o#t of the way& she ho!ds the %an in one hand and with the other& p#!!s
on a sma!! ta$ on the top. She for%es the ta$ thro#gh a perforation %reating a ho!e. 9 fo!!ow s#it&
tho#gh 9 str#gg!e with the ta$. On%e it<s open& 9 see a dark syr#py !i)#id. 9<m not s#re what it<s
for #nti! .arsiana takes a sip and grins at me. *Try it.,
9 take a sma!! sip and taste a $it of sweetness. H#st eno#gh to pi)#e my interest. 9 take a
$igger drink and my mo#th is fi!!ed with s#gary de!ight. 9t<s a$so!#te!y de!i%io#s. 9 swish it
aro#nd my mo#th $efore smi!ing. A!! 9<ve ever had to drink is water.
*>hat is it@, 9<m not e(a%t!y keeping my %oo! on my first day of ad#!thood. 9<m a%ting
giddy and 9<ve got to get it together.
*Soda.,
*9t<s ama?ing&, 9 g#sh. *>here<d it %ome from@,
*An o!d sto%kpi!e one of o#r %onvoys %ame a%ross. 9t<s a ni%e treat& $#t yo# sho#!dn<t drink
it often. Bad for yo#., There<s something p!easant in her demeanor that 9 great!y appre%iate
$e%a#se 9<d $#i!t this day #p in my head with so m#%h an(iety and stress.
H#st when 9<m starting to fee! $etter a$o#t things& "athan strides in and nods at .arsiana&
then at me. +is fa%e is e(pression!ess& #nreada$!e. After he gra$s a tray and starts he!ping
himse!f to the food& the door opens again !etting in B#ard 723 from the =ai!& and two seventeen;
year;o!d p!edges& Bi!!y and Sean J9 don<t know their n#m$ers& and don<t %areK.
S#ffi%e it to say 9<ve never gotten a!ong with either of them. They were $orn on!y a few days
apart and from the !ooks of them& they pro$a$!y have the same father. >hen 9 was twe!ve& they
fo!!owed me into the stairwe!! and pi%ked a fight. 9t wasn<t a fair fight& $#t $efore 9 passed o#t
from my head striking a stair& 9 !earned how to $reak a forearm. And the way Sean<s !eft arm
%!ings a !itt!e %!oser to his $ody than his right ass#res me he<!! never forget it. >hen 9 was
re!eased from .edi%a!& 9 was in%ar%erated for the first time for vio!en%e. "either of them was
p#nished.
The $oys !ook my way& $#t don<t nod or make eye %onta%t. They !ook %onfident& ready. 9
have no do#$t Bi!!y wi!! thrive here& $#t 9<ve a!ways gotten the sense that there was something
more vo!ati!e in Sean. /ragi!e& even. 9 think they %an $reak him.
>hen .arsiana and 9 finish eating& we head $a%k o#t to the ha!! where a g#ard stands&
ho!ding my $ag.
*9t<s %!ear&, he says to .arsiana. She nods for me to take the $ag& and 9 do. 9<m g!ad 9 didn<t
$ring my $ook reader.
>e take the e!evator #p to the first f!oor and wa!k down a !ong ha!!way. 9t fee!s weird $eing
so far #ndergro#nd. On the !eft there<s a !arge room with an open door. 1eeking inside $rief!y& 9
see rows and rows of $#nks with gray $edding t#%ked neat!y on ea%h.
Three more doors on the right& and one more on the !eft then we stop. The door straight
ahead is !o%ked with a s%an pad. .arsi s%ans her fingerprint and her ne%k %hip& and the door
#n!o%ks. >hi!e 9 wat%h her& 9 rea!i?e my heart rate has in%reased& and 9 fee! more a!ert. 6ike my
senses are more a%#te. 9 didn<t rea!i?e 9<d p#t my fingers to my ne%k to fee! my p#!se& $#t
.arsiana says& *Caffeine& from the soda.,
*Oh., 9t fee!s good.
9nside& the room is a !itt!e $igger than the one 9<d had $efore. Thankf#!!y there are two
$#nks. "o $ed;sharing for so!diers. And o#r room has a %!oset& and o#r very own $athroom&
shower and a!!. .ay$e getting thro#gh my p!edge training won<t $e so $ad after a!!. 3ust bide
your time.
*>e<!! report topside in twenty min#tes. >o#!d yo# !ike a hot shower@,
*>e have hot water@, 9 drag my $ag into the restroom with me and don<t $other %!osing the
door'9<m not #sed to priva%y anyway. 9 get my shirt ha!fway off and rea!i?e 9 have no idea how
to work this shower. .arsi peeks in and ratt!es off a few instr#%tions. 9 strip down and step into
the steaming hot water and a g!orio#s& re!ief washes over my skin& even soothing my m#s%!es.
9t<s magnifi%ent and 9<m en=oying it too m#%h to $e mad that they<ve $een ho!ding o#t on the rest
of the %o!ony.
E E E
Topside at 0200& 9<m standing in an open part of the !awn with si( other teens& Sean and
Bi!!y in%!#ded. >e form a straight !ine with o#r hands %rossed $ehind o#r $a%ks. Before #s&
"athan is f!anked $y .arsiana.
*9 hope yo# had a good $reakfast. Ao#<re going to $e !osing it soon&, "athan te!!s #s. >hat
an introd#%tion to the mi!itary. +e t#rns to .arsiana. *R#n them.,
*Aes& sir., She<s stone;fa%ed& a!! $#siness. 9 remem$er this %o#nts as on;d#ty.
"athan wa!ks off witho#t another word and retreats to his #ndergro#nd kingdom. 9f the rest
of the %o!ony had any idea what was $eneath their own feet...
*Ao# heard him& kids. Time to r#n., Captain points toward a makeshift tra%k a!ong the
fen%e. *Stay inside the %ones., 9 wasn<t s#re if "athan was $eing !itera! $#t it<s %!ear now that he
was. Bi!!y takes the !ead& with Sean on his hee!s& and the rest of #s =#m$!e $ehind. Captain points
#s in the right dire%tion. 9 see the %ones a!ong the fen%e !ine. >e<re simp!y r#nning the perimeter&
tho#gh 9<m not s#re how many times.
9 $egin pa%ing my $reaths and fo%#sing on my steps. 9 make no effort to take first p!a%e& nor
wi!! 9 a!!ow myse!f to $e !ast. That<s for the giant kid named Twig. .ost of #s are sti%k;thin& and
he was espe%ia!!y !anky when he was named. "ow& he<s a monster of a yo#ng man. "ot fat& =#st
huge.
R#nning o#tside is very different from r#nning on the ma%hines in the worko#t room& and 9
%o#nt my steps wondering what the distan%e of one !ap is. After the first %omp!ete !ap& 9 estimate
its distan%e to $e ro#gh!y two and a ha!f mi!es aro#nd.
9n the se%ond !ap 9<m $reathing heavi!y& and 9<m no !onger %o#nting steps. 9 soak #p what
!itt!e -itamin 0 might sti!! e(ist in the penetrating #!travio!et !ight from the s#n. .y %heeks fee!
warm& as do my !#ngs& even tho#gh the air is %oo!. 9<m a!ways a%tive& $#t 9 rare!y f!at;o#t r#n& as
most of my worko#ts are indoors.
By the fifth !ap& the gro#p has s!owed signifi%ant!y. Sean is in the !ead& $#t Bi!!y<s keeping
#p right $ehind him. Twig is a who!e !ap $ehind #s. 9 %o#!dn<t even !ook at him when 9 passed
him #p. 0oor kid. +e<s seventeen& $#t sti!! has the $a$y;fat ro#ndness in his fa%e. +e<s a!ways
$een $road;sho#!dered& and $ig footed& $#t he<s on!y re%ent!y hit a growth sp#rt. +e<s $igger
than a!! of #s& $#t it<s evident $y his %!#msiness that he<s sti!! not entire!y in %ontro! of his new!y
enormo#s form. 9<m not s#re what kind of so!dier he<!! make& and 9 hope& for his sake& that he
gets in shape and gains %ommand of his $ody.
Somewhere in my si(th !ap 9 pass Twig again and he<s no !onger r#nning& he<s $are!y
wa!king. 9 meet his eyes =#st in time to see him $egin to vomit. 9 !ook away )#i%k!y and s#ppress
a gag rising #p from the sight of it. Twig doesn<t finish another !ap.
On !ap seven& we !ose two more. On the eighth& another& a!! of them spraw!ed on the grass
after !osing their $reakfast& =#st !ike "athan promised.
Sean sti!! ho!ds the front& whi!e 9 $ring #p the rear with Bi!!y in $etween. On!y a few yards
separate ea%h of #s. 9 sti!! fee! no need to %ompete. >hat we<re doing $are!y %o#nts as r#nning
anymore. .y !im$s are stiff and weigh a tho#sand po#nds ea%h. .y feet are %on%rete s!a$s on
the dirt. >hen we %ross over a grave! pathway& 9 a!most twist my ank!e. 9<ve near!y starved
$efore and sti!! never fe!t this fatig#ed.
Bi!!y !oses his $a!an%e and teeters toward the e!e%trified fen%e& and 9<m too tired to !a#gh at
his #ngra%ef#! re%overy.
6ap nine. .y !#ngs are $#rning& my side has $een sta$$ed with a h#ndred tiny daggers that
!odge into $one. 9<m panting and fee! as tho#gh 9<m %hoking on o(ygen.
On the tenth !ap 9 noti%e "athan has ret#rned to the %aptain<s side. 9 grit my teeth at the sight
of him& $#t 9<m too e(ha#sted to shoot him a dirty !ook. That<s a good thing& tho#gh& $e%a#se 9
to!d 0y!an 9 wo#!d p!ay the part.
Sweat po#rs down my forehead and into my eyes& and 9<m now too tired to wipe it away.
9nstead 9 s)#int thro#gh them& making s#re not to fa!! too far $ehind. 9 %an<t $e!ieve these $oys
are sti!! going& tho#gh they<re %ertain!y not *going strong.,
A!! 9 hear are my $reaths and my heart$eat. A!! 9 see are Bi!!y<s feet in front of me. 9 have no
idea if Sean is sti!! in front or if he passed o#t somewhere& whi%h is e(a%t!y what 9<d !ike to do
right now. +#r! myse!f at the grass and hope to Bod there<s sti!! some dew on it. B#t 9 don<t.
9nstead 9 $ite down on the inside of my !ip and fo%#s on that pain. /o%#s on my ne(t $reath&
whi%h is so sha!!ow. I cant breathe.
Bi!!y<s feet s!ow ahead of me right as a whist!e $!ows. 9 !ook #p to see .arsi ho!ding #p her
hand& signa!ing for #s to stop. >e<ve finished o#r tenth !ap. Twenty;five mi!es. I ,ust ran twenty4
"ive miles. I think Im dying.
Another so!dier $rings #s tiny %#ps of water& not eno#gh to )#en%h the thirst. 9<ve never fe!t
this way $efore. Sean and Bi!!y are do#$!ed over& one vomiting #p stoma%h a%id& and the other is
dry heaving. 6#%ki!y& 9 don<t vomit. 9 $end over with my hands on my knees& fo%#sing on
s!owing my heart rate and trying desperate!y to $reathe. 9t fee!s !ike the air is no !onger air& $#t
heavy fog that $#rns going in and stings %oming o#t.
"athan %!ears his throat. 9 fina!!y noti%e the other kids on the gro#nd with their arms on their
knees. They !ook ashamed. *Bi!!y& why did yo# %ome in se%ond@, "athan asks.
Bi!!y !ooks $ewi!dered& sti!! str#gg!ing to %ontro! the heaving his $ody has taken to. *9 don<t
know& sir.,
*Ao# don<t know&, "athan says& agitated.
*"o& sir., Bi!!y<s voi%e so#nds desperate. 1!eading. +e sho#!dn<t fee! so $ad& he<s one of
on!y three that finished.
*Sean., "athan has shifted his attention. Sean<s %omposing himse!f $etter than Bi!!y. 5etter
than me, too, 9 think. *>hy did yo# finish first@, "athan asks him.
*Be%a#se 9<m the fastest& sir&, he f#m$!es o#t too %onfident!y.
*Ao# mean yo# ran the fastest., 9 dete%t the s#$t!e differen%e& $#t 9 don<t think Sean does.
*Aes ... sir&, he responds& %onf#sed.
*Ao# #nderstand the differen%e& of %o#rse@, +e<s standing %!oser to Sean& a!most in his fa%e.
Odd!y& they<re a!most the e(a%t same height and 9 wonder if "athan wo#!d $e dwarfed $y
0y!an<s stat#re. I wonder i" Twig would, too.
*"o& sir& 9 don<t.,
*H#st $e%a#se yo# ran the fastest& doesn<t mean yo# are the fastest r#nner., "athan shifts his
weight and ti!ts his head to %ra%k his ne%k. Even 9<m getting impatient waiting for Sean to
%onne%t the dots.
*9 don<t fo!!ow& sir.,
*Cori., >hen "athan says my name& it so#nds !ike the vi!est word in the Eng!ish !ang#age.
+e has that effe%t. *Cori wi!! ra%e yo# to the tower and $a%k. The fastest r#nner wi!! $e rewarded
with water and food. The !oser wi!! do witho#t $oth #nti! morning.,
9f this were Bi!!y 9 was s#pposed to ra%e& 9 wo#!d !et him win. 9 hate him& $#t 9<m too tired to
%are. B#t Sean is different. 9<m a!most happy "athan is trying to $reak him. 9 won<t !et him win
in a one;on;one.
B#t 9 %an<t r#n anymore.
>e stand side;$y;side& $oth sti!! e(ha#sted and panting. 9 !ook aro#nd at everyone& p#mping
my fists. .arsi nods when o#r eyes meet.
"athan ye!!s& *go&, and we take off. 9 a!!ow him appro(imate!y a two;foot !ead a!! the way
to the tower. +e to#%hes the wood and 9 to#%h it one se%ond !ater& then ki%k it into high gear&
whi%h wo#!d $e a !ot faster if 9 hadn<t =#st r#n twenty;five mi!es. >e<re ne%k and ne%k. Then in
the !ast ten yards& 9 !eave him $ehind.
9 pass "athan first $#t 9<m not s#re how m#%h 9 won $y. >e $oth throw o#rse!ves on the
gro#nd& not %aring how weak we m#st !ook. 9 %an<t imagine what 9 m#st !ook !ike right now. .y
%!othes are sopping with sweat& and 9 %an fee! hair p!astered to my forehead.
Sean<s %heeks are $#rning red& and his forehead is s%r#n%hed #p !ike he<s ashamed. 9t makes
me %onsider fee!ing sorry for him& $#t 9 don<t. 9<!! a!ways remem$er him as the $oy who pi%ked
on the skinny gir! in a dark stairwe!!& two against one. After a moment& he stiffens his #pper !ip&
and his shame t#rns to anger. +e %an<t keep his $reaths steady. &es going to hyperventilate i" he
doesnt calm down.
*-ery good&, "athan says %a!m!y& his hands $ehind his $a%k. *>hy did yo# !ose the ra%e&
Sean@,
*Be%a#se 9<m tired&, he says with his %hest p#ffed #p. 9 think 9 see the shame fighting the
anger for first p!a%e in his emotions.
*0on<t yo# s#ppose 205 is tired& too@,
Sean spits at the gro#nd in my genera! dire%tion and doesn<t answer.
"athan wa!ks %!oser to Sean and gest#res for Sean to get #p& whi%h he does re!#%tant!y.
*>hy did she $eat yo#@, he asks again& more for%ef#!!y. Sean shr#gs $#t he $!#shes a !itt!e.
"athan gra$s his shirt and p#!!s him %!ose. *>hy did she $eat yo#@,
*9 don<t know&, he gr#m$!es.
"athan !ets go of his shirt and steps away. *0o yo# think this is a game@,
*"o& sir., Sean steadies himse!f. 6ood. 9 g!an%e at everyone e!se. .arsiana is
e(pression!ess& $#t the other p!edges are f#!!y a!ert. They sti!! !ook terri$!e& $#t they don<t !ook
so si%k anymore. Some of them have $een resting for a whi!e.
*Then why did she win@,
*Be%a#se she<s faster& sir&, Sean says !o#d!y& disdain evident in every sy!!a$!e. 9f he hated
me five years ago& 9 %an<t imagine how m#%h he !oathes me now. 9<m s#dden!y aware that
every$ody is staring at me. 9 fee! !ike a freak show and hate the attention. 9 fee! e(posed& !ike
they %an a!! see right thro#gh my %harade. 6ike someone wi!! fig#re o#t what 9<m p!anning.
Someone<s going to read every tho#ght and it<!! a!! $e over. 9<!! $e ki!!ed for treason& and anyone
who ever he!ped me wi!! $e p#nished'may$e ki!!ed'for a$etting.
9 have to te!! myse!f my mind is the one thing that<s mine a!one. "athan wi!! never know
what 9 know& and as !ong as that stays tr#e& no one 9 %are for %an $e h#rt on my a%%o#nt. 9f 9 =#st
keep it together& no one wi!! get h#rt.
"athan eyes me with a smirk& somehow p!eased !ike he<s =#st handed me something on a
si!ver p!atter. +is p!eas#re is my disp!eas#re& and 9 wish 9 %o#!d rewind the ra%e and !ose =#st to
spite him. 9 don<t know what he<s trying to do& and 9 wish he wo#!d =#st h#rt me on%e and for a!!
to get it o#t of his system. 0espite his demeanor& 9 remem$er the aggression in the =ai! %e!! and in
my room at 8nderage. So even when he smi!es at me& 9 know there<s something darker !#rking.
The %aptain %!ears her throat and "athan shoots his eyes to her. She doesn<t speak& she
simp!y peers at him thro#gh eager eyes. 9 imagine she wants orders or instr#%tion. The gro#p has
!ingered #n%omforta$!y !ong in this moment that no one even #nderstands the point of'
espe%ia!!y not me.
*0ismissed #nti! dinner time. 0rink p!enty of water& %hi!dren.
E(%ept Sean& of %o#rse.,
E E E
.y se%ond shower fades away as the hot water r#ns o#t. The temperat#re grad#a!!y
dwind!es #nti! it<s !#kewarm& then %oo!& then %o!d. 9 haven<t moved an in%h sin%e 9 stepped in.
Every i!! sensation the heat took from me& the %o!d has rep!a%ed. 9 p#sh a $#tton to sh#t off the
stream and sink to the f!oor& too e(ha#sted to dry myse!f off or do anything at a!!. 9 gra$ the
towe! and witho#t m#%h tho#ght& 9 $#nd!e it #p and #se it as a pi!!ow. 9 drift away to the so#nd of
nothing& with tho#ghts of nothing $#t e(ha#stion p#!!ing me #nder.
E E E
1o#nding& po#nding. 9<m start!ed o#t of my dream!ess s!eep making no sense of the noise
9<m hearing. 9t<s the door& and 9<m sti!! in the shower.
*0inner time&, .arsi %a!!s thro#gh the door.
*Be right o#t.,
9 s%ram$!e to my feet and wrap myse!f in the towe!. 9 %at%h a g!impse of myse!f in the mirror
and rea!i?e there is no hope for my hair now that 9<ve s!ept on it soaking wet. 9 throw it into a
!ow ponytai!'the same as every other woman in this %o!ony'and t#%k my $angs $ehind my
ear. They<re =#st now getting !ong eno#gh to do so. Si( months ago& 9 sto!e a pair of s%issors and
%#t them short in protest to the %onformity !aws. "o one here has $angs. Bangs are impra%ti%a!
and they want #s a!! to !ook the same. 0o o#r hair the same. 0ress the same. Everything the
same. Aada& yada'9 spent a night in =ai!.
>hen 9 emerge from the $athroom& .arsi has her arms %rossed and she<s %ertain!y
disp!eased with something. 1ro$a$!y me.
*9<m not yo#r %aretaker& yo# know., Aep& it<s me she<s disp!eased with. *9<m yo#r
roommate& and yo#r s#perior offi%er.,
*Okay., 9<m not s#re what e!se to say.
*"e(t time 9<!! go witho#t yo#. 9f yo# miss mea! time& yo# don<t eat. Bot it@,
*Aes& ma<am., She<s far from the p!easant host she had $een this morning. 9<m %onf#sed as
to whether she<s simp!y moody or if something in today<s events has %hanged her mind a$o#t
me. .ay$e wondering if she was a threat to me was the wrong )#estion. 1erhaps 9<m a threat to
her somehow. Or she<s =#st rea!i?ed how m#%h of a handf#! 9 am.
At dinner& we<re the !ast to arrive and she ro!!s her eyes when an o!der offi%er gives her a
s%ornf#! !ook. As far as 9<m %on%erned& there<s sti!! a !ine for the $#ffet so what<s the $ig dea! if
we weren<t here to wait in it even !onger@
9 take note of everyone& and it<s essentia!!y the same gro#p that 9 remem$er from this
morning& sitting most!y in the same p!a%es. E(%ept one person. Sean.
Sean sits a!one in the %orner of the room right $y the spread of food. +e %an see it& pro$a$!y
sme!! it& $#t he<s not eating. 9 remem$er his p#nishment for !osing with a pang of g#i!t. +e %an<t
eat $e%a#se of me. +e %an<t drink water either. And even worse& "athan has made a show of his
defeat. 9 sho#!d $e happy Sean is getting what he deserves. B#t 9<m not. +e !ooks weak and
e(ha#sted. 9<ve pro$a$!y had a ga!!on of water sin%e the ra%e& and he<s had nothing. +e needs
water.
9 gra$ a tray and !oad it #p with dinner. 9 %hoose %hi%ken f!avored again& even tho#gh 9 have
no idea what it is. >hen 9 gra$ a $ott!e of water at the end of the ta$!e& 9 pass %!ose!y to Sean and
!ean to whisper. *9 think the shower water is safe to drink.,
+is eyes dart #p to me& in%red#!o#s and angry. *>hat@,
9 f#m$!e for a moment and grow se!f;%ons%io#s. 9 !ook aro#nd and %at%h "athan<s eyes on
me& and the %orner of his mo#th t#rned #p s!ight!y. +e pro$a$!y thinks 9<m r#$$ing in Sean<s
!oss.
9 shr#g& hoping Sean wi!! %at%h on to my s#ggestion and heed the advi%e. B#t 9<m not going
to stand and dis%#ss it with him now that peop!e are paying attention.
9 drop my tray hapha?ard!y on the ta$!e ne(t to .arsi. 9 wonder if she wo#!d mind that 9<ve
assigned her a short name in my tho#ghts. +a$it 9 g#ess. 6ong names annoy me. 9 think
everyone<s name sho#!d have a two;sy!!a$!e ma(im#m.
*>hy<s Sean sitting there@, 9 ask in a !ow voi%e.
*To h#mi!iate him. +e wasn<t p#nished for performing $ad!yD he was p#nished for his
arrogan%e. Arrogan%e doesn<t sit we!! with "athan., +er demeanor is p!easant again& and now
9<m even more %onf#sed. .ay$e she<s =#st happy when food<s aro#nd.
*>hy did he %hoose me to ra%e him@,
*Be%a#se yo#<re the fastest., She shove!s in a $ite of food.
*B#t how wo#!d he know@ +ow %o#!d any$ody know that@,
She !a#ghs and 9 fee! myse!f $!#shing. *9 to!d him yo# were ho!ding $a%k.,
*And as it t#rns o#t yo# were&, "athan<s voi%e %himes. +e stands $ehind me& and 9 whir! in
my seat to fa%e him. +e seats himse!f $eside me and 9 fee! infinite!y #n%omforta$!e. *+ere she is.
The woman who makes r#nning a marathon !ook easy., +e %a!!ed me a woman and 9<m not s#re
how 9 fee! a$o#t that. 9<m =#st a gir!. A si!!y gir! with grand ideas a$o#t freedom.
9 take a $ite of $read. 9 have no idea if he e(pe%ts me to respond& $#t 9 have nothing to say.
5ide your time& 9 think.
"athan %!ears his throat. *>e!! done& so!dier., +e %!aps me on the $a%k& then he<s gone& =#st
as fast as he arrived. 9 don<t !ook #p #nti! he<s !eft the room& and when 9 do& a$o#t ha!f the eyes
in the room are on me. +ate it& hate it. +ate this attention.
Sean<s eyes are $#rning into me most of a!!. +e<s #sing the on!y energy !eft in his $ody
toward hating me. 9 didn<t h#mi!iate him today. "athan did. 9 e(%#se myse!f ear!y and storm to
my room on the first f!oor& on!y to rea!i?e 9 don<t have a%%ess witho#t M:3. 9 s!#mp to the f!oor to
wait& wondering when 9<!! have my own %!earan%e. 9 wonder if they<!! p#t a %hip in my ne%k and
s%an my fingerprint. Are they rea!!y d#m$ eno#gh to tr#st me with those things@ 9<m s#re they
%an !imit my a%%essi$i!ity to %ertain things& tho#gh.
9 !ook toward the footsteps approa%hing me& e(pe%ting .arsiana. B#t s#dden!y 9<m twe!ve
again& and 9<m a!one in a dark spa%e with two $oys who hate me.
Chapter Five
Sean and Bi!!y stand over me whi!e 9 s%ram$!e to my feet. Before 9 %an speak& a fist s!ams
into my stoma%h. Bi!!y<s p#n%h is a h#ndred times harder than it was five years ago.
9 do#$!e over& not wi!!ing to a%%ept that this is happening again. 9 %an<t fight themD 9 %an<t
give "athan a reason to p#nish me. 9<m done $reaking the !aw.
A knee strikes my ri$%age. 9 think that one %ame from Sean& $#t 9<m not s#re. +e sho#!d $e
passing o#t from dehydration& not $eating me #p.
Sweaty hands gra$ my ne%k and 9 %ringe away from them& swinging my !eg straight o#t and
making %onta%t with something& $#t 9 %an<t see what. /rom the %orner of my eye 9 see a se%#rity
%amera& and know that 9 sho#!dn<t fight $a%k. B#t 9 have to do something. 9 $!o%k the ne(t fist
that %omes at me& even tho#gh 9<m sti!! %ro#%hing.
>hen a $ody moves toward me& 9 aim for the %rot%h& $#t he dodges. Bi!!y 9 think.
They $oth gra$ my sho#!ders and s!am me into the wa!!. 9 str#gg!e against them& $#t they<re
strong together. Sean wraps his hand aro#nd my throat and his eyes are insane with animosity.
*Ao# think yo# %an h#mi!iate me in front of my s#periors and then p!ay some sympathy game@,
*"o&, 9 %hoke o#t& tho#gh 9 %an $are!y $reathe.
*9 do =#st fine on my own& 205. 9 don<t need yo#r he!p. 0on<t even speak to me.,
*/ine&, 9 %o#gh.
+e !ets me go and !ooks aro#nd to make s#re we<re sti!! a!one. */#nny. /ive years ago yo#
had more fight in yo# than yo# do now. /ina!!y wising #p& eh@,
*9 $eat yo# then& 9 %o#!d $eat yo# again if 9 wanted to&, 9 remind him.
And then his fist strikes my fa%e& and the $a%k of my head %rashes into the %on%rete wa!!. 9
fee! a trai! of warmth move down my s%a!p and onto my ne%k. 9 grit my teeth and keep $oth
hands against the wa!! as the two of them retreat to their room on the same ha!!. Their doors are
wide open& not !o%ked !ike mine. 9<m ass#ming the reason is gender. 9 wonder if M:3 demanded
the !o%k $e%a#se she fe!t threatened or if it was someone e!se<s idea.
.oments !ater& the ha!! is f#!! of men fi!ing into their dormitories for the night. Some
premat#re!y #ndress for their showers& either o$!ivio#s to me or =#st not %aring that 9<m there. 9
avert my ga?e to the f!oor& trying to ignore the intense pain aro#nd my eye and %heek.
Apparent!y the men share a shower room down the ha!!& so they a!! wa!k past me. "ot one is
%on%erned with the $r#ised and $!oodied gir! in the f!oor with her arms wrapped aro#nd her
knees. 9 wo#!d ro%k $a%k and forth for se!f;%omfort if 9 didn<t fear it wo#!d !ook too fee$!e. 9 hate
that 9<m wo#nded at a!!. $here the hell is .arsiana7
A so!dier trips over me& and %at%hes his $a!an%e $y p!a%ing his hand on my head where 9<m
wo#nded& 9 win%e in pain and he wipes my $!ood on his pants.
*Are yo# okay@, he asks soft!y as he knee!s $eside me. 9t<s the $!ond;headed so!dier from
Corne!i#s<s room& Tit#s. +is fami!iar $!#e eyes fi!! with what !ooks !ike gen#ine %on%ern.
*9<m fine&, 9 hiss. The way worry dan%es on every %orner of his fa%e reminds me of 0y!an. 9
a!ready miss 0y!an. 9<m #sed to seeing him three times a day& $#t 9 haven<t seen him sin%e !ast
night. 9 think 9 %an fina!!y admit to myse!f that !ast night was strange. Something fe!t awkward&
$#t 9 think it<s =#st $e%a#se we<re $oth starting new !ives. 9t<s norma! to $e nervo#s& and for
things to %hange. 9 don<t know if 9<!! ever see him again. S#dden!y my tightened %hest h#rts more
than my wo#nds.
Apparent!y Tit#s has $een speaking $#t 9<ve %omp!ete!y missed it. 9 meet his dark eyes&
hoping he<!! repeat what 9 missed.
*Can 9 he!p yo# get %!eaned #p@, +e seems sin%ere. 9 $ring myse!f to my feet.
9 g!an%e down the ha!! and see .arsiana making her way thro#gh. *"o& thank yo#., +e sees
her %oming& too& and nods. +e waits #nti! she rea%hes me $efore dipping his %hin and wa!king
away.
.arsi !ets o#t a heavy sigh when she !ays her eyes on me& and part of me fee!s ashamed. She
is what a so!dier sho#!d $e. She<s to#gh& she<s an offi%er. She<s not !ike me& wo#nded inside and
o#t. I want to be like her& 9 a!!ow myse!f to think $efore stopping in my tra%ks. >hat am 9
thinking@ 9 don<t want to $e a pet so!dier. 9 want o#t of here. 9 want to !ive on my own terms. Or
die on them.
She #shers me into o#r room and as soon as the door sh#ts& she !a#n%hes into her !e%t#re.
*So& don<t !eave mea!s witho#t me #nti! yo# have yo#r %hip and %!earan%e. 9 was rea!!y hoping
yo# weren<t going to $e any tro#$!e. Ao# %an<t give "athan a reason to do#$t yo# if yo# want to
keep on the straight and narrow., She !ooks me over. *9s that what yo# want@,
9 hesitate& *Aes.,
*>ho did this@, She p!a%es a soft hand on my sho#!der& for%ing me to !ook her in the eye.
*"o$ody&, 9 m#m$!e.
*0id yo# start it@, 9<m gen#ine!y offended& $#t 9 do have a rep#tation. 9 g#ess 9 deserve that.
*"o. Ao# %an %he%k the se%#rity %ameras if yo#<d !ike., 9 s%#ff my foot a%ross the f!oor&
$iting down on my !ip. 9 g#ess that<s eno#gh to %onvin%e her to move on.
She p#!!s o#t a first;aid kit& gra$s a po#%h& and gives it to me. *Shake it&, she says. >hen 9
do& it t#rns i%e;%o!d and 9 ho!d it to my fa%e& ass#ming that<s what it<s for. She wipes the $!ood
off my s%a!p and 9 fee! a sting when she p#ts some %hemi%a! on the wo#nd. *0o yo# want me to
stit%h it myse!f& or take yo# to the .edi%a! wing@,
*Ao#& p!ease., "o need to disp!ay my weakness aro#nd the who!e $#i!ding.
The need!e stings going in& and whi!e she stit%hes she te!!s me there<s pro$a$!y no deeper
in=#ry& and hopef#!!y no %on%#ssion. *9<m fine&, 9 ass#re her.
*Bood. Tomorrow<s !a$ day.,
E E E
After a %o#p!e of ho#rs of sitting #pright and her %he%king on me every so often& she fina!!y
!ets me !ie down for $ed. 9<m sti!! e(ha#sted. 9<m wo#nded. B#t 9 %an<t fa!! right to s!eep. There<s
too m#%h information vying for my attention. The tiring first day& the new home& the new
ho#semates. .arsiana. Tit#s. The res#rre%tion of %hi!dhood riva!ries. .y a%hing wo#nds.
The !a%k of a $est friend.
9 never rea!i?ed how m#%h 0y!an sta$i!i?ed me every day. Even if we didn<t speak& a
side!ong g!an%e from him %o#!d do the tri%k. Something a$o#t the way he !ooks at me a!ways
reminds me who 9 am& a!ways makes me fee! !ike 9<m okay here for one more day.
And fina!!y& what 9<m rea!!y worried a$o#t. 6a$ day tomorrow. >hen 9 arrived at Anti#s 9
spent weeks in the !a$s. They took so many $!ood samp!es 9 was s#rprised 9 didn<t r#n o#t.
8emarkable DN#& they said. Over the years& 9 spent many nights down there. Something new
they wanted to test me for. Or test on me. npredictable DN#& they said. Shes healthy, but
mentally, shes volatile. Some of them wanted to *p#t me down&, so they %o#!d %ontin#e to st#dy
my parts& $#t Corne!i#s for$ade it. &ow can you disregard such an intriguing specimen7 6ive
her a chance to thrive& he to!d them.
9 don<t know what they think they<!! find tomorrow. They o#ght to know everything a$o#t
me $y now.
Take a tissue sample& they said. 9 rea%h #nder the %overs and tra%e the s%ar they !eft on my
thigh with my fingertips. >hen we arrived at the %o!ony& 9 was sti!! in Corne!i#s<s arms. +e
de!ivered me to the s%ientists& and that<s the !ast time 9 was he!d. The !ast time 9 was %omforted.
B#t if 9<m $eing honest& 9 hadn<t had m#%h %omfort sin%e my mother died three years ear!ier. 9
$are!y remem$er herD 9 was on!y fo#r. .y father wanted to make me to#gh. The wor!d had gone
to %rap $efore 9 was $orn& and there was no s#%h thing as the a!!;Ameri%an fami!y anymore.
There was no p!a%e for traditiona! parenting ro!es. +e wasn<t raising a %hi!d with dreams for her
f#t#re. +e was raising a s#rvivor. That<s a!! that mattered.
The night Corne!i#s !eft me in the !a$s& 9 was poked and prodded& to#%hed and e(amined a!!
night. 9 don<t know whi%h was worse& the !ong need!es or the fee!ing of their hands on my skin.
/rom that night on& near!y every h#man to#%h has rep#!sed me. Co!d& %!ini%a!. 0ead. /ort#nate!y&
the !aws of Anti#s have ens#red that everyone keep their disg#sting hands off me. Everyone
e(%ept "athan& that is.
9 try not to think a$o#t h#gging A!yssa& and !etting 0y!an he!p me down from that vent !ast
night. 9 %o#!d have =#mped down on my own. 9 didn<t need his he!p. And 9 ref#se to dwe!! on his
hand to#%hing mine $rief!y. 9 ref#se& and ref#se again. And one !ast time ref#se #nti! it<s et%hed
in my mind& and on%e again 9<m fa!!ing as!eep to the memory of his hands on me.
E E E
9n the morning& 9 dress myse!f in new %!othes. .y $!#e %otton pants have $een traded in for
standard mi!itary pants. They<re a $rown& heavier fa$ri%. After $reakfast& and many g!an%es at
my $r#ised fa%e Jwhi%h 9 haven<t even !ooked atK& the %aptain takes #s topside for a morning r#n.
.y $ody is tired from yesterday& and it a%hes from in=#ry. B#t the %o!d air fee!s great inside my
!#ngs. 9t fee!s !ike freedom& and every step 9 take fee!s one step %!oser to the o#tside.
>e don<t even have time to %hange or shower $efore we<re $a%k #ndergro#nd headed for the
!a$s. >e a!! fit into the same e!evator& and 9 fee! everyone<s eyes on me. Everyone e(%ept Sean.
9f 9 %o#!d get him a!one in a room with no %ameras and no way of $eing %a#ght or p#nished& 9
think 9 wo#!d pay him $a%k a few times over. +e was a!ready an easy person to hate.
The e!evator stops on the e!eventh f!oor. 9 have no idea what<s on a!! the other f!oors& $#t 9
know a!! of medi%a!& government& and the s%ien%e divisions are in this fa%i!ity& too. 9 e(it !ast into
the fami!iar ha!!way of the !a$ f!oor. 9<m a!ready shivering from the %o!d that 9 don<t even fee!
yet. B#t 9 know it<s %oming. .eta! ta$!es& !ong need!es. Beeping ma%hines.
A gro#p of white;%oated !a$ te%hs greet #s and ea%h one takes a p!edge with them. .y te%h
is a sma!! woman with *IIM, on her nametag. She<s one of the o!der ones. She deposits me into a
steri!e room with the meta! ta$!e 9 e(pe%ted. She hands me a p!asti% ro$e and te!!s me to p#t it on
with the opening to the $a%k.
>hen she ret#rns& 9<m shivering #n%ontro!!a$!y from %o!d and apprehension. She<s ho!ding a
tray of empty t#$es that my $!ood is a$o#t to fi!!. She sets it down and opens my %hart to the first
page.
*"#m$er@, she asks.
*205.,
She s!ips a gadget o#t of her po%ket and ho!ds it o#t for me. *Confirm&, she orders. 9 press
my inde( finger on the smooth g!ass s#rfa%e& and it reads my print. A green !ight te!!s her 9 am
who 9 said then she ret#rns it to her po%ket.
The woman wraps a po#%h aro#nd my arm and presses a sensor on the veins inside my
e!$ow. She s%ri$$!es down what the ma%hine te!!s her.
*>hat<s that@, 9 ask.
*Ro#tine vita!s. Everything is norma! so far.,
"i%e of her to e(p!ain& 9<m s#re she didn<t have to. +er fa%e is )#ite %!ose to emotion!ess&
tho#gh. 9 don<t #nderstand how the ad#!ts here& no matter their age& are !ike ro$ots. 9t<s !ike they
t#rn eighteen and s#dden!y mat#re to the age of si(ty.
*On yo#r $a%k&, she says& and 9 %omp!y. She presses her hands into my a$domen& and 9
win%e at the pain. She<s %he%king my organs& 9 g#ess& $#t she doesn<t rea!i?e there<s a giant
$r#ise there from someone<s fist. 9 don<t $other asking her to $e %aref#!.
"e(t she %he%ks my ref!e(es. Then she p#ts me on a treadmi!! !ike the ones in the 8nderage
worko#t room. She has me hooked to sensors and monitors whi!e she %ranks #p the speed
grad#a!!y #nti! 9<m f!at o#t sprinting.
*Can yo# go any faster@,
*9 think so&, 9 e(ha!e.
She t#rns it #p a !itt!e more and 9 keep #p. She %ranks it #p again witho#t asking& and 9 have
to !et go of the $ars to keep my $a!an%e& swinging my arms at my sides. B#t 9<m sti!! on. She
%ranks it #p one more time and it<s a!! 9 %an do to stay on. 9 get the impression she<s going to
keep t#rning it #p #nti! 9 fa!! off. S#re eno#gh she p#shes the $#tton again& and my !egs fa!ter. 9
move toward the end of the pad and fee! my feet s!ipping o#t from #nder me. Right as 9<m fa!!ing
and %at%hing myse!f on the gro#nd& she %#ts the ma%hine off.
"e(t& 9<m !ifting weights& and 9<m s#re she wants to find my $reaking point here& as we!!.
>e go thro#gh a simi!ar ro#tine as we did with the r#nning. She pi!es on more and more weight
#nti! 9 %an<t !ift anymore. 9<m not s#re what a good n#m$er is or what the n#m$ers even mean.
/ina!!y we get to the need!es. /irst she takes a sti%k with %otton on the end and r#$s it a!!
aro#nd the inside of my mo#th and sea!s it in a t#$e. Then she p!a%es a devi%e in my arm to
whi%h she pro%eeds to atta%h via! after via!& fi!!ing them with my $!ood. At the end& 9 fee! a !itt!e
woo?y. Another e(ha#sting day makes me wonder if 9<!! ever fee! rested again.
9 fo!!ow her down the ha!! where she takes (;ray pi%t#res of my $ones. "e(t she p#ts me
inside a ma%hine that makes a !o#d& h#mming noise a!! the way aro#nd me. After that& 9<m on a
ta$!e with sensors on my temp!es and forehead. They p#mp something into my arm where the
$!ood;drawing devi%e is sti!! atta%hed. The f!#id is %!ear and stings a !itt!e.
S#dden!y& everything aro#nd me seems d#!!. The !ights are dimmer& and the so#nd of her
voi%e %o#nting off grows more and more faint. .y vision gets darker and darker and stops at a
shade of gray that mat%hes the %!o#ds. 9 hear noise& $#t it<s m#ff!ed and 9 %an<t #nderstand it. 9
fee! p#!ses enter my $ody thro#gh the sensors. 9 think they<ve atta%hed even more of them&
$e%a#se 9 fee! stinging sensations on my arms& !egs and %hest& as we!! as my head. 9 fee! !ike 9
want to s%ream& !ike 9<m !osing %ontro!. "o& 9<m a!ready o#t of %ontro!. 9 fee! !ost and o#t of
p!a%e& and so very tired. 9 fight hard to open my eyes& and to make o#t voi%es $#t 9 %an<t do it.
Then fina!!y& %!ear as a $e!!& 9 hear& *>hy is it taking so !ong@, and *She<s a!most o#t., Then
nothing. "othing at a!!.
E E E
9 awake to a !ight that sears thro#gh my eye!ids even tho#gh 9 %an<t seem to open them. 9<m
groggy& and my head a%hes tremendo#s!y. 9 draw my hands to my fa%e to $!o%k the !ight& and
open my eyes =#st eno#gh to see where 9 am4 $a%k in the room where 9 started. 9<m $a%k in my
own %!othes& and it makes me #n%omforta$!e knowing 9 didn<t p#t them on myse!f. 9 sit #p and
%o%k my head to ea%h side& wanting the stiffness in my ne%k to s#$side. And the heada%he. 9t<s
intense& and there seems to $e pain in distin%t p!a%es.
There<s a tap on the door and my !a$ te%h enters. Right $ehind her are "athan and .arsiana.
The te%h sits ne(t to the %o#nter with the %hart f!ipped open. 9<m s#rprised at how thi%k the fi!e
has $e%ome. "athan and .arsiana stand $y the %!osed door with their hands $ehind their $a%ks.
They %o#!d $e made of stone. Two stat#es.
The !a$ te%h $egins to speak. *+er physi%a! aptit#des are e(%e!!ent. "o impairments or
a$norma!ities. >hi!e 9 did note a few in=#ries& they did not affe%t her performan%e., 9 hadn<t
rea!i?ed 9 was per"orming. "o one has !ooked at me or addressed me sin%e they wa!ked in.
*B!ood work was as e(pe%ted.,
"athan speaks now& *The imm#nity@,
*Aes.,
*9mm#nity to what@, 9 $!#rt o#t.
"athan fina!!y !ooks at me with that %rooked smi!e 9<m starting to hate. >hy is he a%ting this
way@ 1!easant, a!most.
*H#st a$o#t everything&, she e(p!ains. *Every vir#s. Every disease. Every poison.,
*.eds@, "athan asks.
*.ost of them& yes. >e had a hard time p#tting her #nder&, she te!!s him.
*+ow do yo# know 9<m imm#ne to those things@, 9 ask.
*Over the years we<ve in=e%ted yo# with them. Ao# never respond. Ao#r imm#ne system is
remarka$!e&, she says& for the first time with a distin%t emotion4 wonder.
*9t<s a!so fr#strating&, "athan inter=e%ts. +e sti!! !ooks happy& tho#gh.
The %aptain shifts her weight. *>hy fr#strating@,
*Be%a#se she<s #npredi%ta$!e. That<s the $iggest reason she<s not in 1op#!ation. >e %an<t
anti%ipate the res#!ts of her reprod#%tion., +is tone has shifted to grim. 9f he<s imp!ying that 9
have 0"A that is otherwise fit for $reeding& he<s off his ro%ker. /or on%e& 9<m g!ad to $e a freak
of nat#re. 9<d die $efore !etting them use me that way.
*She<!! make a fine so!dier. So it<s their !oss&, .arsi says. 9<m to#%hed that someone is
taking #p for me.
*>e<!! see., "athan shoots me a warning g!an%e.
The te%h %!ears her throat. *9<!! go over my dietary re%ommendations with her& and then send
her o#t.,
*Thank yo#., "athan nods and sees himse!f o#t. .arsi offers me a )#i%k smi!e on her way
o#t $ehind him.
Everything that IIM says ne(t %omes in a $!#r. 9 %an<t shake the fee!ing of $etraya!. These
peop!e pretended they were doing me a favor. 1retended to save me. B#t they used me. They
tried everything they %o#!d to make me weaker'9 %o#!d have died from what they did to me.
9<m a p#n%hing $ag. A st#pid e(periment.
9<m angry. 9<m h#rt. 9 want to wrap my %o!d& $ony fingers aro#nd "athan<s ne%k. 9 wonder if
Corne!i#s knew. &e couldnt have. 9 have to get o#t of here. 9 have to get o#t now& or 9<!! h#rt
some$ody. 9<m h#rting them a!ready.
*Ao#r head wi!! pro$a$!y h#rt for another day or so& $#t $esides that& yo# sho#!dn<t have
any pro$!ems from the operation., S#dden!y& 9<m =o!ted from the storm in my mind.
*Operation@, 9 have no idea what she<s ta!king a$o#t. She nods to my ne%k and 9 fo!!ow her
ga?e with my fingers. There<s a $andage on my ne%k right where... *A %hip@,
*Aes. 9t<s not $een assigned any %!earan%es yet& so yo#<!! sti!! have to $e es%orted to
restri%ted areas. As to when the rest takes p!a%e& that<s #p to yo#r s#periors. >e =#st insta!!
them&, she says. She<s deta%hed again. 9t<s a!! =#st $#siness for her. Are we even h#man
anymore@
*Okay&, 9 m#m$!e.
*Take yo#r time getting #p. 9<!! $e $a%k to get yo# in a few min#tes., 9 nod& and she<s o#t
the door. 9 don<t move for what seems !ike an ho#r. >hen 9 do move& it<s s!ow& me%hani%a!.
6ife!ess.
9 step into the ha!! to wait for IIM. There<s a gro#p at the end of the ha!! that 9 don<t $other to
!ook at #nti! 9 hear footsteps approa%hing. >hen my eyes fina!!y make the !a?y trip #p at the
person wa!king toward me& my heart !eaps inside my %hest. Dylan. A!! at on%e& 9<m re!ieved& and
thri!!ed& and s%ared.
*Are yo# okay@, he asks me.
*"ot rea!!y., +e =#st !ooks at me& $#t 9 don<t know what e!se to say. 9 shr#g.
+e keeps his hands p!anted $ehind his $a%k& and 9<m %aref#! with my $ody !ang#age& too. 9
don<t even t#rn to fa%e him. >e sho#!dn<t $e ta!king right o#t in the open !ike this& $#t 9 %an<t
=#st wa!k away.
*6isten&, he says& his voi%e grave& despite the p!easant !ook on his fa%e. +ow does he do
that@ *9 think yo#r %hip has a tra%ker& so yo# %an<t go sneaking aro#nd.,
Of course they %an tra%k me now.
9<m !ost for words. "othing is %oming. 9 want to te!! him everything
9<ve =#st !earned& and how 9 fee!. B#t 9 te!! him nothing.
*9<m sorry yo#<re h#rt., +e !ooks my $r#ised fa%e over. *0on<t do anything st#pid. H#st stay
the %o#rse.,
9 !ook #p the ha!! one dire%tion& and then the other. 9 to#%h the $andage on my ne%k with no
rea! intent.
*9 have to go., Then he wa!ks away. 9t was dangero#s for him to approa%h me !ike that.
Find of re%k!ess& a%t#a!!y. +e<s never re%k!ess.
9 %an<t $e!ieve 9 didn<t say anything. 9 fee! !ike 9 haven<t seen him in ages& and 9 had nothing
to say. 9 hate that he had to see me $eat #p& e(ha#sted& and fresh o#t of s#rgery. And %omp!ete!y
%onf#sed. +e a!ways seems to find me when 9<m at my weakest& and 9 hate it. 9 hate that when 9
fee! at the point of $reaking& he has to $e the one to ree! me in& and %a!m me down. Feep me
from doing something rash.
9<m $eing tra%ked now& so 9 %an<t mess #p. "o e(p!oring. "o more midnight trips to o%%#py
my s!eep!ess mind. And no more $ooks to keep me %ompany. 9<m trapped in the ro#tine of a
drone so!dier of Anti#s.
The %aptain waits for me $y the e!evators.
*>here<s every$ody e!se@, 9 ask.
*>e<re headed to %at%h #p with them now., She e(tends a pie%e of $read and a $ott!e of
water& and 9 eat in the e!evator.
On the si(th f!oor& everyone e!se is a!ready waiting in the $iggest room 9<ve seen in the
$#i!ding. The entire f!oor is open spa%e with on!y a few %!osed off areas on the far side.
There<s padding on the f!oor& $right !ights everywhere. Ta$!es are !ined #p a!ong one wa!!&
and a!ong the opposite wa!! are things 9 don<t rea!!y re%ogni?e. .arsi g#ides #s to the ta$!es and
we a!! take seats on the side of the ta$!es $y the wa!! so we<re a!! fa%ing her. "athan has =oined
#s& too. +e stands ere%t with his hands $ehind his $a%k.
*>eapons&, he $egins. *Are o#r !ife for%e. On d#ty& yo# wi!! a!ways have one& and it is
important that yo# know everything a$o#t it., B#ns.
9<m pro$a$!y the on!y one of the p!edges who has he!d one.
Tit#s emerges from the far end of the spa%e. +e ho!ds a !arge %rate that he %arries as tho#gh
it weighs nothing. B#t when he p#ts it on the ta$!e it makes a !o#d th#d& and 9 fee! the ta$!e
shake. >itho#t instr#%tion from anyone& he p#!!s g#ns from the %rate and sets one $efore ea%h of
#s.
*Thank yo#& Tit#s., "athan nods.
Tit#s te!!s #s a!! a$o#t g#ns over the ne(t %o#p!e of ho#rs. >e<re ta#ght to take them apart&
and p#t them together. +ow to %!ean them& how to !oad them Jtho#gh they on!y !et #s pra%ti%e
with $!anksK. After we<ve $een over things severa! times& we<re tested.
>e start with an empty g#n and $o( of amm#nition !ying on the ta$!e in front of #s& and o#r
hands in o#r !aps. Tit#s ye!!s& *Bo&, and we a!! f!y into motion. 9 remove the empty %!ip and
dismant!e the g#n. 9 reassem$!e it& and fi!! the %!ip with ten ro#nds& and s!ap it in. 9 set the g#n
down and p#t my hands $a%k in my !ap. Tit#s nods to a%know!edge my time& and %ontin#es
timing the others. 9 am the first to finish.
They r#n it again. 9 win. And again. 9 win again. "athan smi!es every time& tho#gh 9 ref#se
to give him more than a side!ong g!an%e.
"e(t %omes target pra%ti%e. 9t takes a few tries to get #sed to the ki%k and get my $earings&
$#t within ten min#tes& 9<m hitting the target every time. As more time passes& a$o#t fifty per%ent
of my shots are within five in%hes of the $#!!s;eye. An ho#r !ater& 9<m within three in%hes.
*"i%e!y done& Cori&, "athan %ommends so !o#d!y everyone stops to !ook. 9 think Sean is
!ooking at me& $#t 9<m not wi!!ing to verify. "athan keeps giving Sean reason after reason to hate
me more.
9n the weeks that fo!!ow& we spend ho#rs o#tside r#nning and %omp!eting o$sta%!e %o#rses.
9n the training room& r#nning dri!!s& #sing weapons. Every day& 9 e(%e!. Every day& "athan
%ommends me in front of the others. Every night& .arsiana is friend!ier& $#t sadder somehow.
Every session& 9 get spe%ia! attention from Tit#s.
Every day& 9 miss A!yssa and 0y!an.
E E E
9<m the !ast one standing at the targets today and 9<ve got two ro#nds !eft. 9 fire them $a%k;
to;$a%k and they pass thro#gh the same ho!e& mere mi!!imeters from the %enter of the target. 9t<s
my $est day so far.
*Ao#<re a prodigy& yo# know., 9 t#rn and "athan<s standing right $ehind me. Too %!ose.
+e<s m#%h too %!ose. +e takes another step toward me& and 9<m s#dden!y a sti%k on the gro#nd
getting stepped on'9 snap.
*>hy are yo# doing this@ 9s this a game@,
*1ardon me& so!dier@, +e raises his voi%e. /ina!!y a sign of the "athan 9 know.
*Two months ago& yo# wanted to rip my throat o#t for $eing a mena%e. "ow yo#<re showing
me off every %han%e yo# get. That st#pid dress& the ra%e& the shooting., 9 pa#se to %at%h my
$reath as heat r#shes thro#gh my $ody. *9<m the fastest r#nner& the $est shooter& a remarka$!e
specimen& and now a prodigy@ >hy a!! the f!attery@ 9f 9<m s#%h a de!in)#ent& why $other@, 9 !a%e
the !ast !ine with as m#%h venom as my high;pit%hed voi%e %an m#ster.
*Ao#<re performing we!!& how is that something 9<ve done@,
*9t<s a game&, 9 ye!!. *This st#ff is %hi!d<s p!ay and yo# know it. So te!! me why., 9 rea!i?e
every$ody e!se has !eft the room. >e<re a!one.
"athan takes a few steps away with his hand over his mo#th. +e t#rns $a%k toward me&
r#$$ing his fingers thro#gh the st#$$!e on his %hin. *9 have a theory a$o#t yo#.,
*>hat<s that@, 9 ask& re!#%tant!y& $#t 9<m indignant sti!!.
*Confiden%e&, he te!!s me. *A !itt!e %onfiden%e. An affirmation that yo#<re something
impressive. That yo#<re something spe%ia!.,
*>hy@,
*To motivate yo#., .otivate me to what7
+e shifts his weight& stands straighter& and p#ts his hands $ehind his $a%k. The %as#a! tone is
gone. *N#ite frank!y& 9<m giving yo# one !ast %han%e to $e%ome va!#a$!e to me. To $e a
%omp!iant asset. Otherwise&, he pa#ses. *9<!! have no need of yo#.,
Another threat.
*Ao# want me to prove myse!f& then@, 9 ask& ha!f;$itter& ha!f;desperate to get it right for
on%e.
*1re%ise!y.,
*/ine. Then stop p!aying games and treat me !ike every$ody e!se., 9 try to %a!m my tone& $#t
9<m not s#re it<s working. 9 need him to tr#st me.
*+ave it yo#r way.,
Chapter Six
*Teamwork&, "athan says. .y morning st#por hasn<t )#ite worn off yet& nor has the
heada%he'9 have heada%hes every morning now. 9 $are!y s!ept !ast night sin%e 9 was worrying
over "athan<s threat. 9 sho#!d have kept my mo#th sh#t. *Teamwork is %riti%a! for s#rviva!. 9t is
a gro#p of individ#a!s working toward a %ommon goa!.,
Everyone !ooks at ea%h other& assessing what we a!! %orre%t!y ass#me is a$o#t to $e o#r
team. By now& 9<m #sed to these g#ys& $#t 9 don<t parti%#!ar!y !ike any of them. There<s Twig&
Sean& and Bi!!y. There<s Hay%e& a $oy who makes #p for what he !a%ks in height with perfe%t!y
%hise!ed m#s%!e tone. .att is the gang!y one who a!ways has something to say when "athan and
.arsiana aren<t aro#nd. Hensen might as we!! $e Sean and Bi!!y& min#s the e(tensive history.
+e<s not a fan of mine. "one of them are& 9 g#ess& not after the spe%ta%!e "athan has made of me.
Aet& 9 find myse!f fee!ing as tho#gh this $and of $oys is the %!osest thing to a fami!y 9<ve had in
over a de%ade.
9 %an<t !et myse!f think that way. They<d a!! $e happy to see me fai!. 9 %an<t forget that.
Captain .arsiana !ooks disp!eased& more than norma!. She seems #n%omforta$!e with this
e(er%ise& and 9 wonder if she a!ways is& or if this is new. Something spe%ia! to demonstrate
"athan<s anger toward my o#t$#rst yesterday.
A tr#%k p#!!s #p to where we<re standing $y the front gate of the %ompo#nd. *9n yo# go&,
"athan orders #s. >e a!! pi!e into the $a%k& whi%h is %overed with a %amo#f!aged fa$ri%. The
%aptain !ooks re!#%tant& $#t as the tr#%k starts moving& she #n?ips a d#ffe! $ag.
9 hear the meta!!i% s)#ea! of the front gate as we move %!oser to it. The so#nd grows !o#der
and 9 rea!i?e what<s happening.
>e<re !eaving the %ompo#nd.
.y heart %artwhee!s inside my %hest& $#t 9 have to keep %a!m. There are two armed men in
the front of this vehi%!e& as we!! as "athan and .arsi. This is no time to $e st#pid. 9<m =o!ted
from my reverie $y meta! on my skin. 9 !ook #p at .arsiana& then down to my wrist. She has
s!apped a hand%#ff on me and !et the other end dang!e. 9 !ook aro#nd and see that she<s p!a%ed a
hand%#ff on every$ody<s right arm& e(%ept Sean.
9<m trying not to fo%#s my attention on what she<s doing& $#t 9 don<t want to !ook at "athan&
either. So& 9 fo%#s on the f!oor $eneath my $oots.
*0ip&, Captain says. *Ao#r who!e hands., She wears a s%ow! whi!e she ho!ds a %ontainer
open and goes down the !ine& making ea%h of #s dip o#r hands into a %oo!& green !i)#id. 9t a!most
stings to the to#%h& $#t it dries )#i%k!y and is soon forgotten. On!y a faint& greenish h#e remains.
9 have no idea what it %o#!d $e. "o one protests or asks )#estions& either.
"e(t& .arsi wraps a $!indfo!d aro#nd Bi!!y<s fa%e. 9 start to pani%. $hat is this7 She makes
her way $a%k down the !ine $!indfo!ding ea%h of #s. >hen my $!indfo!d goes on& 9 $egin to
trem$!e. 9<m not s#re if it<s in my hands& $#t 9 fee! it in my %hest. 9n my $ones.
>e ride in si!en%e for what 9 estimate is fifteen min#tes& then the $rakes s)#ea!& and the
tr#%k stops. A hand g#ides me off the tr#%k and as soon as 9<m down& the %#ff on my right arm is
atta%hed to someone e!se. 9 have no idea who. 9 hear more %!i%king and rea!i?e the same thing is
happening to everyone. 9<m going to $e !ed somewhere& we<re going to work together. 9t<s =#st a
teamwork e(er%ise. 9<m fine. 9t<s going to $e fine.
'lick.
Co!d meta! to#%hes me again. This time on my !eft arm& and s#dden!y 9<m trapped $etween
two different peop!e. 9 need to see what 9<m #p against. &ow did she tie this blind"old so well7
*9<!! he!p yo# a !itt!e with the s#spense., "athan is standing %!ose to me. *Ao#<re a!!
atta%hed& one to another. The two peop!e on the ends are not wearing $!indfo!ds. They<!! g#ide
yo#& and it<s #p to ea%h of yo# to tr#st and fo!!ow them. "one of yo# wi!! s#rvive this a!one. And
the gro#p wi!! not !eave anyone $ehind. +ow yo# a%%omp!ish this %o#rse wi!! $e #p to yo#r
!eaders. And the )#i%ker yo# do this& the $etter. /or yo#r own sakes..., +e seems to trai! off.
9s that it@
*These premises are s#rro#nded with armed so!diers who do not know yo# are here. 9f yo#
!eave the %o#rse we<ve made for yo#& they wi!! most !ike!y shoot yo#. So don<t get any wise
ideas a$o#t avoiding the %ha!!enges we<ve set $efore yo#., 9 %an<t see him& $#t 9<d swear "athan
is smi!ing. *Ao#r %aptain and 9 wi!! wait for yo# at the finish !ine'Oh& and don<t tamper with
yo#r $!indfo!ds. They<re !a%ed with poison that wi!! a%tivate if mi(ed with the %hemi%a!s on yo#r
hands. Tr#st me& $!ind for now is $etter than $!ind for !ife., A pa#se. *Bood !#%k.,
9 hear footsteps on ro%k'grave!& pro$a$!y'and then 9 ass#me the two of them %!im$ onto
the tr#%k. 9 hear it p#!! away.
Im trapped. 9 %an<t $reathe& 9 %an<t #se either of my hands. 9 %an<t take off my $!indfo!d. 9t<s
$ri!!iant of "athan& rea!!y. +e<s fo#nd a so!itary e(er%ise that %onfronts a!! of my $iggest fears.
Captivity. 1ersona! %onta%t. +e!p!essness.
9<m at the mer%y of si( $oys& a!! of whom 9<m pretty s#re hate me. 9 %an<t see them. They<re
%!ose eno#gh to to#%h me& and 9 %an<t get away from them. 9 %an<t r#n or shoot my way o#t of
this one. 9<m a$r#pt!y aware that it<s not Sean that "athan is trying to $reak. 9t<s me.
Bi!!y<s the first to speak. *>ho<s on the ends@, +is voi%e is %!ose. +e<s the person on my
right hand. Of course he is. 9 %#rse "athan #nder my $reath. At !east it<s not Sean.
*9<m !ast&, Twig says on my !eft. A wave of re!ief spends a moment in my %ons%io#sness.
9<m ne(t to !ast in !ine.
*9<m first&, Sean groans.
Twig is !ast& Bi!!y is in front of me& and Sean is first. The fate of this dri!! is in Sean<s hands.
9 dig my toes in the gro#nd trying to te!! whether or not it<s grave! !ike 9 think. 9 %at%h a ro%k with
the tip of my $oot and ki%k it. 9t %!inks into more ro%ks ahead of me. 9t<s grave!. So it<s at !east
partia!!y man;made terrain. That<s not to say it won<t %hange.
*>hat are we #p against& Sean@, Bi!!y asserts& his voi%e remarka$!y steady. 9<m s#rprised
Sean hasn<t taken %ontro! yet.
*/o!!ow my !ead&, is a!! he says.
9 start to protest the !a%k of e(p!anation $#t the !ine is a!ready moving and p#!!ing me into
the dark #nknown. 9 st#m$!e forward and drag Twig $ehind me. 9f something happens to him& 9
%an<t !ift him.
*Twig& what do yo# see@, 9 ask. "o way 9<m asking Sean.
*A few more feet of grave!& then some kind of drop off. Can<t see what<s down there., +e
says =#st !o#d eno#gh for me to hear& and may$e Bi!!y.
*+o!d #p&, Sean sho#ts& then 9 hear $#mping and %!ashing ahead of me. 9 $#mp into Bi!!y
$efore 9 rea!i?e every$ody has stopped. *>e have to %!im$ down. Every$ody =#st try to find
things to gra$ onto.,
*6et<s take it rea! s!ow& g#ys&, Bi!!y adds. So far& so good. >e so#nd !ike a team.
Sean te!!s Hay%e when he<s at the !edge and dire%ts him down. Then Hensen& then .att. "ow
9 know the order. Sean& Hay%e& Hensen& .att& Bi!!y& me& then Twig. As we move %!oser to the
!edge& it gets harder to hear Sean. Something $e!ow is %a#sing a whirring so#nd that 9 didn<t even
noti%e #nti! 9 rea!i?ed it was drowning o#t other so#nds.
*9 %an<t see anymore& $#ddy&, Sean ye!!s.
*Twig@, Bi!!y asks. Sti!! so#nds %a!m. 9mpressive.
*Si( in%hes forward&, he says& and 9 fee! Bi!!y in%h forward p#!!ing #s to o#r knees. *Okay&
yo#<re there. Step over the !edge ti!! yo# fee! something to p!ant yo#r feet on.,
9 fee! a )#i%k t#g from Bi!!y& $#t Twig gra$s my wrist and steadies me. Bi!!y m#st<ve !ost
his $a!an%e& $#t he<s regained it.
9 fee! of the edge with the hand atta%hed to Bi!!y. Twig says gent!y& *Same for yo#., +is
sin%erity %at%hes me off g#ard. 9 rea%h my foot over the !edge whi!e propped on my !eft hand and
knee. 9 %an<t find the ro%k the others have stepped on& so 9 stret%h my !eg a !itt!e farther $#t 9 find
nothing.
*>hat<s the ho!d #p& Cori@, Sean sho#ts.
Twig gra$s my arm and !eans over meD 9 think he<s !ooking over the !edge.
Twig whispers to me& *Ao# %an<t rea%h the stone. 9<m going to !ower yo# down.,
+#mi!iating. 9<m not short& $#t a!! the g#ys are at !east a few in%hes ta!!er than me. B#t why
didn<t Twig =#st say it for everyone to hear@
*Coming., .y voi%e %omes o#t #nsteady& and 9<m trem$!ing even more now. Twig gra$s
me #nder $oth arms and shoves me into the air. +e !owers me and a sp!it se%ond !ater& my tiptoe
$r#shes a%ross ro%k. 9 f#m$!e trying to find my footing& whi!e making room for Twig.
+e !ands with a $it of a th#d& and te!!s Sean to keep moving. Bi!!y draws his hand to the ro%k
wa!!& so 9 fo!!ow s#it& as does Twig. >e shimmy downward on a !edge of #neven ro%ks that<s
on!y a$o#t five in%hes deep. .ore than on%e& my shoe s!ips& and Twig ho!ds tight.
+e<s he!ping me& and 9<m growing angrier every time 9 fee! his skin on mine. +e<s saving
me from a drop 9 %an<t even see. And he<s saving the team from me p#!!ing them down. A!! 9 %an
think is how 9 hate the fee! of his sti%ky fingers on my hand& $#t 9<m s#re he<s not he!ping me&
he<s =#st trying to s#rvive.
*Stop&, Sean says& and the who!e !ine of #s ha!ts. *The !edge is getting too narrow. >e<re
going to have to =#mp.,
*+ow far down@, someone asks.
*.ay$e twenty feet& $#t it<s water $e!ow&, Sean e(p!ains. *Can any$ody swim@,
*>here wo#!d we !earn how to swim@, another voi%e %a!!s.
Broans and sighs %ome a!! #p and down the !ine $efore 9 speak #p. *9 %an.,
*Right& the o#tsider&, Bi!!y %himes in. *Care to give #s some pointers@,
.y heart po#nds and my $ody trem$!es even more. 9 %an<t $e!ieve how $ad!y 9<m trem$!ing
when 9 start to speak& tho#gh 9 haven<t even de%ided e(a%t!y how to respond.
*>hat is that@, Twig asks& so#nding a !itt!e franti%. Then 9 rea!i?e it<s not me that<s
trem$!ing& it<s the earth we %!ing to. Twig is the first to !ose his $a!an%e. +e s!ips and drags me
with him& then a!! of #s p!#mmet toward what 9 tr#!y hope is water $e!ow. The %h#rning $e%omes
!o#der and !o#der& and then 9 %an<t $reathe. 9<m s#$merged& $eing p#!!ed deeper and deeper. 9
s)#ee?e my eyes sh#t& and try not to !et any of the water get in my mo#th. The way the water
ting!es my skin makes me think it might sti!! $e to(i%'even if =#st a !itt!e $it'$#t 9<m not s#re.
>e have to get o#t soon.
9 try to get to the top& $#t 9<m %hained to si( $oys who %an<t swim. They might as we!! $e
dead weight. >e %an<t speak to ea%h other. >e %an<t see ea%h other. 9<m str#gg!ing to $reathe&
and 9 don<t know what to do. 9 thrash as my $ody $egs for air& and 9 fee! the $a%k of my head hit
something hard. 9 draw my hands a$ove my head and my fingers !ay aro#nd meta!.
9 g#ide Twig and Bi!!y<s hands toward the meta!& and )#i%k!y fee! them !at%h on. The three
of #s #se whatever it is to %!im$& $#t we<re r#nning o#t of time. The water shifts and moves
against #s. Bi!!y has fo#r g#ys to drag so 9 %an on!y hope they aren<t fighting him.
9 e(ha!e what<s !eft of the $reath inside me& and have no idea if we<re near the s#rfa%e. 9
fight harder& ki%king my feet as m#%h as 9 %an when the po!e vi$rates. 9t =o!ts #pward dragging #s
with it. S#dden!y& 9 fee! %o!d air on my %heeks and %o#gh #p water 9 didn<t rea!i?e 9<d swa!!owed.
9 hear simi!ar %o#ghs a!! aro#nd& and it fee!s !ike we<re a!! a$ove water. 9 rest for a moment
trying to fig#re o#t if 9<m dying from e(pos#re. So far 9<m fine. H#st a !itt!e ting!ing in my throat&
so it m#st not $e that to(i%& if at a!!.
*Sean@, Twig ye!!s& $#t there<s no answer.
*B#ys& where is he@, Bi!!y str#gg!es to say.
*9<ve got him. 9 think he<s #n%ons%io#s&, Hay%e says. Everyone thrashes to stay a$ove water&
and 9 don<t know how Hay%e is ho!ding Sean #p& too.
*Ba%kwards& g#ys. 6ooks !ike another pipe we %an ho!d onto.,
*Fi%k yo#r !egs&, 9 en%o#rage them. >e move $a%k #nti! we $#mp into a pipe that r#ns
a%ross the s#rfa%e. 9 !at%h on as $est 9 %an. *0on<t swa!!ow the water&, 9 te!! them. "o one
o$=e%ts& and 9<m s#rprised how easy it is to $e in %ontro! when Sean<s #n%ons%io#s. B#t that<s
pre%ise!y o#r ne(t pro$!em. *Twig& %an yo# get me over to Sean@,
Twig moves from the safety of the pipe and 9 fo!!ow& the two of #s ki%king f#rio#s!y.
*>here is he@, Twig g#ides my hands to Sean& the !ast person on what<s !eft of this h#m$!e
p!anet that 9 ever tho#ght 9<d want to he!p. B#t 9 have to. *+o!d him against the pipe&, 9 order
them. 9 ass#me they gra$ him $y the sho#!ders to pin him in p!a%e& sin%e 9 %an<t see. +is %hest is
raised a$ove the water. 9 rea!i?e )#i%k!y that 9 have nothing to !everage myse!f against& so 9 wrap
my !egs aro#nd his waist. +eavy $reathing& $ody heat& and water s#rro#nd me %omp!ete!y. 9 fee!
$o(ed in. 9<m not s#re if 9<m going to $e a$!e to he!p Sean or if 9<m going to throw #p on him.
9 %an<t fee! a p#!se& and he<s not $reathing. 9 p#sh against his %hest as hard as 9 %an and
%o#nt& $#t 9<m not s#re how many 9<m s#pposed to do. 9<ve on!y seen this done on%e. >hen my
arms get tired& 9 s)#ee?e Sean<s nose and for%e my $reath into his mo#th a few times.
9 !et o#t a %ry of fr#stration& and Twig pats my hand. *9t<s okay. Feep trying&, he whispers&
again so tender it makes my stoma%h %h#rn. These g#ys a!! hate me& $#t here they are ho!ding me
#p& heeding the orders 9<m $arking o#t.
9 %omp!ete another set of %hest %ompressions& and a se%ond set of $reaths. .y fingers fee!
weak and sore when 9 !a%e them to start %ompressions again& then Sean %o#ghs #p water. +e
makes a whee?ing so#nd !ike there<s sti!! f!#id in his airways& $#t he<s a!ive. Re!ief f!oods me
with waves more vio!ent than the r#shing water aro#nd me. 9 !et go of Sean and fa!! away from
him& fee!ing e(ha#sted. 9 ki%k my !egs to stay a$ove water whi!e Twig makes s#re he<s okay.
*>here are we@, 9 ask Twig.
*Some kind of ... reservoir. 1ro%essing p!ant& may$e@ There are ma%hines and p#mps a!!
aro#nd.,
*>hat<s it for@, .att asks.
9 ti!t my %hin #p so water won<t get in whi!e 9 speak. *1ro$a$!y the %o!ony<s water s#pp!y.
Twig& do yo# see how to get o#t@,
+e takes a deep $reath& and 9 fee! him t#rning aro#nd& !ooking in every dire%tion. *9f we
fo!!ow this pipe to the !eft& it sho#!d get #s %!ose to the wa!!. 9 think there<s some sort of !adder.
B#t we<!! have to swim& pro$a$!y a %o#p!e yards& to get to it.,
*Twig& take the !ead&, 9 say& hoping Sean won<t protest. /or now& at !east& he<s too weak.
9 give the gro#p a few more pointers on swimming for when we get to the wa!!. Tho#gh we
%!ing to the pipe as far as it<!! take #s& the $oys take t#rns !etting go to pra%ti%e treading water.
9<m tired& and from the way the others are h#ffing and p#ffing& 9 %an te!! they are& too.
*+ow far@, 9 ask Twig& )#iet!y.
*A!most there. 9<m a!most to the end of the pipe&, he says !o#d eno#gh for everyone to hear&
$#t he %omes to a stop.
*Bo ahead&, 9 en%o#rage him. *6et<s do it.,
+e takes a deep $reath and !ets go of the meta! ho!ding #s a$ove water. 9 fo!!ow his !ead& and
the g#ys keep #p. >e s!ow!y make o#r way thro#gh the %h#rning water. Bi!!y t#gs against the
%#ffs %onne%ting #s a few times& $#t that<s it.
*Bot it&, Twig %himes& then drags me to the !adder with $r#te strength. 9t takes )#ite a $it of
mane#vering to fig#re o#t how to %!im$ a !adder with si( g#ys atta%hed at the wrist& $#t we make
it #p a few r#ngs when the %h#rning water $egins to grow vio!ent.
The water whooshes a!! aro#nd #s& and the waves %rash higher and higher. *9t<s spinning&
!ike a drain&, Twig ye!!s. As soon as 9 pro%ess it 9 fee! Bi!!y get yanked from the !adder& p#!!ing
me down with him.
Twig ho!ds tight on the !adder& $#t the meta! %#ffs are %#tting into my wrists. +e s!ips his
fingers aro#nd my hand and p#!!s me on%e again toward the !adder. 9<m not s#re if the rest of the
g#ys or even my own right hand wi!! make it with me. 9 try to find Bi!!y<s wrist the way Twig
ho!ds mine& $#t 9 %an<t get aho!d of it& and the meta! is s!i%ing into my f!esh from the press#re of
five teenagers. 9 s%ream in agony when the %#ff to#%hes $one in my wrist.
Twig manages to wrap my fingers aro#nd the !adder r#ng& and rea%hes over me to gra$ Bi!!y
and ree! him in $ehind me. +e %!im$s faster this time& and somehow we make it #p the !adder
and o#t of the water<s rea%h.
At the top of the !adder& we spi!! onto a %on%rete !anding& tho#gh 9 %an<t see anything to
know what e!se there is. >e !ie f!at on o#r $a%ks& %at%hing o#r $reaths when Sean moans& *9s he
trying to ki!! #s@,
The other $oys for%e a ho!!ow !a#gh& tho#gh 9 do#$t they find it f#nny. "athan a%t#a!!y
might $e trying to ki!! #s. 9 wo#!dn<t p#t it past him. B#t what wo#!d $e the point of a!! this
tro#$!e& then@
.att $reaks the si!en%e. *That wasn<t %!ean. "o way that<s o#r water s#pp!y.,
Twig rep!ies& *9 think they<re treating it. 9 think that<s what those ma%hines are. .ay$e they
%an fi!ter o#t the to(ins.,
*9 do#$t it<s that simp!e&, Sean rep!ies. So#nds !ike he<s regaining his strength.
*>hat<s ne(t@, 9 ask& not s#re if 9 rea!!y want to know.
*9 %an<t te!! where', Twig starts& $#t Sean %#ts him off.
*That way&, he says. 9 ass#me he<s pointing somewhere 9 %an<t see. *6et<s move., >e
s%ram$!e to o#r feet& and 9 rea!i?e my reign was short;!ived. Sean is $a%k from his !apse in
%ons%io#sness.
9 fee! something warm on my hand where the hand%#ff grinds on the $one& and it takes
everything 9 have not to fa!! to my knees and %ry. 0y!an<s words dan%e somewhere on the edge
of my tho#ghts& $#t 9 %an<t make them o#t.
9<m yanked forward $y $oth arms& and we r#n side;$y;side. >hen the footsteps s!ow& 9 keep
my hands in front of me. .y hands s!am into meta! and 9 !a%e my fingers aro#nd %hain;!ink
fen%ing.
*C!im$&, Twig %a!!s o#t& and 9 hear the fen%e ratt!e.
*>ait&, 9 ye!!. *9f we %!im$ #p side;$y;side& when we get to the top& we<!! fa!! over.,
*B#ys&, Sean %a!!s o#t. *One after the other& =#st !ike everything e!se. /o!!ow me., +e<s =#st
addressed my %on%ern witho#t a%t#a!!y a%know!edging me. .ay$e no$ody heard me anyway.
.ay$e 9 didn<t even speak. .y head is spinning& and my arms h#rt& espe%ia!!y my wrists.
Sean !eads #s #p and over the fen%e& whi%h s!i%es into my thighs on my way over the top.
On%e on the gro#nd& we $reak into a sprint on what fee!s !ike wi!d terrain. Someone trips& and we
wait ti!! he gets to his feet $efore %ontin#ing. Sean $arks orders a!ong the way.
*On the gro#nd&, he sho#ts& after a !ong sprint. >e drop to o#r hands and knees. *Craw!&, he
te!!s #s. >e keep o#rse!ves !ow and shimmy forward. The gro#nd $e!ow #s s!ow!y transitions
into m#d& and 9<m not s#re if we<re headed for water& $#t 9 don<t think 9 %an take any more.
A pie%e of my hair tang!es in something a$ove #s& $#t 9 %an<t rea%h to #ntang!e it& so 9<m
for%ed to move forward ripping a %h#nk of hair o#t.
9<m taking %o#nt of my in=#ries when 9 hear it'the %aw of a $ird. 1roof of anima! !ife.
Everyone pa#ses& so 9<m not the on!y one who heard it. 9n my years on the r#n with 0ad& we
never saw a $ird. >e $are!y saw any anima!s at a!!& and the ones we did see were strange. +e
said most anima!s died& $#t the ones that s#rvived weren<t the same after the fa!!o#t.
*.ove. /asterC, Sean ye!!s as more %aws spring #p $ehind #s.
*They<re %oming o#t of the m#d&, Twig sho#ts.
*Are they %hasing #s@, 9 str#gg!e to mat%h the pa%e of the g#ys.
*Aes&, Twig says& and 9 know it<s tr#e $e%a#se the %awing gets !o#der.
*Are they in the air@, 9 ask& not s#re if any of them even know what $irds are.
*"o& =#st on the gro#nd&, Twig says& his voi%e growing in e(ha#stion and desperation. Then
the pain %omes. Beaks tear the f!esh on the $a%ks of my !egs as the $oys %ry o#t in pain.
*Bet #p& get #p&, Sean %a!!s o#t& and then we<re r#nning again.
9t doesn<t take !ong to !eave the $irds in o#r wake. Sin%e they %an<t f!y& it seems they %an<t
keep #p. .ore $!ood tri%k!es down my !egs& and 9 wonder how m#%h 9 might have !eft. 9<m s#re 9
read how m#%h $!ood there is in the h#man $ody somewhere& $#t 9 %an<t remem$er.
>e r#n. R#n. R#n more. +ow do they know where to go@ >hat do they see@ "o$ody has
spoken in forever. >e<re $are!y =ogging anymore. >herever we<re going& 9<m not s#re 9<ve got
the strength for m#%h more.
*Stop&, a voi%e %a!!s& and it<s not anyone of my teammates. 9 hear the %#ffs ratt!e& and my
arms are thr#st into the air a!ong with Bi!!y<s and Twig<s at my sides. *0on<t move&, he sho#ts
again.
*>e are B#ard division p!edges&, Sean %a!!s o#t. *"athan $ro#ght #s o#t here for training.
+e<s s#pposed to pi%k #s #p at the finish.,
*And where is that@,
*>e don<t know& sir&, Sean e(p!ains. >eapons %!i%k& and 9 rea!i?e whatever so!dier has
stopped #s is not a!one. *9t was a dri!!., 9 take it none of these so!diers e(perien%ed s#%h a dri!! as
p!edges. As 9 s#spe%ted.
*>ait here.,
E E E
"athan wasn<t p!eased that the so!diers %a#ght #s& $#t 9 %an<t te!! if he<s p!eased they didn<t
shoot #s on sight. 9 %an<t imagine what we m#st have !ooked !ike& the seven of #s hand%#ffed and
$!indfo!ded.
They $ro#ght #s a!! the way $a%k to the training room $efore taking off o#r %#ffs and
$!indfo!ds. Captain wrapped #p my wrist on the tr#%k& and 9<m not the on!y one $!oodied and
$attered. >e a!! !ook horri$!e.
*Teamwork&, "athan says as he takes inventory of #s. *+ow did it go@,
*/ine #nti! we were apprehended& sir&, Sean speaks #p& whi%h is on!y fair sin%e he was
o$vio#s!y o#r %hosen !eader. +e was& after a!!& p#t in the front witho#t a $!indfo!d.
*And were there any in%idents a!ong the way@ Say& someone !osing %ons%io#sness@, "athan
asks& %rypti%a!!y.
Sean hangs his head& and a !ight $!#sh stea!s his %heeks. Bi!!y speaks #p instead. *Sean
near!y drowned. +e m#st<ve got %a#ght #nder someone when we fe!! in the water.,
*And what happened ne(t@, "athan pries.
*>e revived him., Twig stands #p straighter& p#shes his sho#!ders $a%k. 9<ve never $een so
thankf#! for $eing !#mped into a gro#p in a!! my !ife. 9n this moment& the !ast thing 9 need is my
individ#a!ity.
*+ow so@,
*1#shing his %hest& and $reathing into his mo#th&, Twig says. 9<m s#rprised Bi!!y hasn<t so!d
me o#t for $eing the hero $#t 9 did save his $est friend<s !ife.
*C1R@ 9nterestingC, "athan s)#ea!s. *And who among yo# might possi$!y know how to
de!iver C1R to a dying yo#ng man@ .iss 205@,
9 hang my head& wishing 9 didn<t have to answer his )#estion. >hat<!! he do@ 9 saved a
so!dier. +e sho#!d thank me. +e gra$s me $y the %hin and ti!ts my fa%e to !ook at him. *+ow did
yo# go a$o#t rea%hing him from the other end of the !ine@,
*The others he!ped me get to him. They did most of the work rea!!y&, 9 e(p!ain& $#t don<t
fee! !ike 9<m making it any $etter.
*And they =#st read yo#r mind@ Fnew what to do@,
*9 to!d them how to he!p., 9 pa#se& not s#re if 9<m making a %ase for or against myse!f. *Ao#
to!d #s to work as a team. One of #s had fa!!en.,
*9ndeed& he had. B#t in his a$sen%e& there was another !eader at the end of the !ine with his
vision #no$str#%ted and a free hand. Ao# didn<t deem him a %apa$!e !eader& 205@,
*9 did& sir& $#t',
*B#t what@, +e raises his voi%e.
*+e didn<t know C1R.,
*9 didn<t ask yo# to !ead this gro#p. 0id he ask yo# to perform C1R@,
*"o& sir.,
"athan says& */ine&, $#t 9 know it<s not over =#st !ike that.
*.oving on&, he says& as tho#gh we haven<t =#st e(pended a!! the energy we have.
*Com$at., 9 disintegrate into hope!ess e(ha#stion that 9<!! never wake #p from. 9 %an<t fight& 9
%an $are!y stand straight. *Cori& to the %enter of the ring. Sin%e yo# insist on $eing the %enter of
attention., The %enter of attention@ &e made me the center o" attention!
9 don<t protest even tho#gh every pie%e of me wants to. 9 fee! !ike 9<m not s#pposed to for
some reason 9 %an<t p!a%e my f#??y tho#ghts on. "athan $rings the other p!edges toward me and
they a!! s#rro#nd me. 9<m %!osed in on every side. #gain.
*Sean&, "athan grow!s& with something evi! !#rking $eneath his voi%e. *+it her., Not again.
"athan has his hands $ehind his $a%k& as a!ways& the pi%t#re of %ontro! and a#thority.
Sean hesitates for appro(imate!y one se%ond $efore 9 fee! a %on%rete fist in my ri$%age. I
saved your li"e& 9 think.
*9 tho#ght vio!en%e was i!!ega!&, 9 grow! thro#gh gritted teeth.
*9t is for %ivi!ians&, he answers& and it<s a!! 9 need to hear. 9 $a!! my good fist and s!am it into
Sean<s fa%e& $#t it doesn<t have the same impa%t as if 9 %o#!d #se my right hand. 9 %onsider
risking the in=#red hand for Sean<s sake. +e grins as he $a%ks away from me. At !east his %heek
is red.
*Hensen& hit her., There<s a $!ow from $ehind to my kidney. "athan %ontin#es to order
$!ows against me. .att hits my sho#!der. Hay%e hits the $a%k of my head and ratt!es me'it
a%t#a!!y makes me di??y and 9 fa!! momentari!y to a knee.
9 throw point!ess p#n%hes at ea%h of them. Bi!!y hits me right in the fa%e from the side. That
,ust healed& 9 think& angry that 9 may never !ook !ike a norma! person again.
*A#thority was given to Sean and Twig. Aet yo# saw fit to give orders instead of fo!!owing
them. >hen peop!e $reak the %hain of %ommand& they are p#nished.,
+e<s punishing me for saving Sean<s !ife. 9 had to or we a!! %o#!d have died. 9 did nothing
wrong. 9 saved the team.
*9 hope yo#<!! #nderstand that a#thority m#st $e revered at a!! %osts. Twig& hit her., Twig
stands dire%t!y in front of me. 9t<s going to $e a $!ow to the g#t& or a p#n%h to my fa%e. 9t might
even $reak my nose. +e %o#!d %r#sh me with his pinky finger.
B#t he doesn<t move. "o fist f!ies at my fa%e& no knee to my midse%tion. "o ki%k to my ri$s.
"othing.
*+it her&, "athan ye!!s with his fa%e in%hes from Twig<s. They $oth t#rn red for different
reasons& $#t Twig doesn<t $#dge. "ot an in%h. 3ust do it& 9 think& knowing he<s going to $e
p#nished for this. >ith my eyes& 9 try to p!ead with him. It doesnt have to be hard, ,ust hit me!
9<m di??y from Hay%e<s strike to the $a%k of my head. .y eyes g!a?e over and 9<m #nsteady on
my feet.
*0o it&, 9 whisper.
*"o&, Twig says& his =aw set.
9n what seems !ike a fra%tion of a se%ond& a g#n is drawn and "athan p#!!s the trigger&
p#tting a $#!!et in Twig<s head.
Chapter Seven
The wor!d has gone $!a%k. 9<m ha!f;awake to the sme!! of vomit and the sensation of $eing
%arried.
9 drift in.
9 drift o#t.
.y $ody is !imp in someone<s arms. .y wo#nds won<t !et me rest& and my mind won<t !et
me so$er #p and fig#re o#t what<s going on ... or who<s to#%hing me. 9 for%e my eye!ids apart
$efore they<re over%ome with !ight that<s too $right. Then it<s $!a%k again. And 9<m s!ipping
away.
9 wake with a start& my head thro$$ing. A devi%e a$o#t si( in%hes !ong is atta%hed to my
forearm with n#m$ers and readings on a s%reen. A digita! !ine rises and fa!!s with my heart$eat.
.y wrists are wrapped with fresh $andages'9 hadn<t even rea!i?ed 9<d in=#red them $oth.
9 think $a%k to when 9 a%)#ired the wo#nds& remem$ering how patheti%a!!y 9 performed in
o#r team e(er%ise. 9 %o#!dn<t rea%h& 9 %o#!dn<t keep my $a!an%e. Constant!y at the mer%y of Bi!!y
and...
Twig.
Oh& god. "athan shot him. A %o!d& d#!! pain sta$s my stoma%h as the detai!s ret#rn& f!ooding
my mind. Twig was kind to me& and it got him ki!!ed. >itho#t meaning to& 9<d shown him #p $y
taking %ontro! when Sean was h#rt.
The !ines on my monitor pi%k #p speed #nti! 9 !ean over the edge of the hospita! $ed and
vomit on the f!oor. $hy didnt he ,ust hit me7
9 groan and fa!! $a%k against my pi!!ow& hitting the $ed hard eno#gh to make it ratt!e. 9 ti!t
my head $a%k and try to fo%#s on a spot on the %ei!ing.
*Ahem.,
.y eyes dart to the %hair on the far side of the room& where "athan wat%hes me. The sight of
him makes my heart rate soar and my $!ood po#nd against my temp!es. 9 don<t know whether to
wring his ne%k or %#r! into a $a!! and %ry.
Anger and fear $#$$!e #p and 9 %an<t de%ide whi%h to go with. +e did this to show me what
he<s %apa$!e of. 9f he was trying to win me over& ki!!ing Twig was a misstep.
9 say nothing $#t grit my teeth whi!e staring into his eyes. The pains in my in=#red $ody
s%ream at me. The rage in my so#! s%reams !o#der. 9 want to see "athan $!eed& $#t there<s
nothing 9 %an do. There<s nothing 9 %an say. Before 9 %an stop them or give them permission&
tears we!! #p and spi!! over& r#shing down my %heeks& $#rning s%rapes 9 didn<t know 9 had.
There<s no way 9 wo#!d have $een %a#ght %rying in front of a sing!e so#! a %o#p!e months
ago. B#t today& after everything 9<ve $een thro#gh& everything 9<ve worked for& 9 =#st don<t %are.
9 don<t even $other to wipe the tears away. 9 =#st %ontin#e to stare at him thro#gh $!#rred
vision. +e disg#sts me. +e ki!!ed Twig to prove a point. 9 don<t hide my anger& $#t sti!! no words
%ome. "o sar%asti% remark& nor %!ever %ome$a%k. "o a%%#sation. "o dig to get #nder his skin.
+e<s #nder mine.
*9t<s ni%e to fina!!y have yo#r attention& .iss 205&, he says to me& over;en#n%iating ea%h
digit in my n#m$er. The pride oo?ing from his voi%e makes me fee! si%k. .y $e!!y $#rns& my
throat $#rns& my skin $#rns. A!! of my insides $#rn !ooking at him.
*Ao# didn<t have to do that., 9t<s ki!!ing me that he<s seeing me so weak. 9<m patheti%& and 9
know it.
*Ah& $#t 9 did& yo# see&, he %ha!!enges. 9 don<t %are to wait for an e(p!anation.
*Ao# misera$!e pie%e of',
*Shhhh. 0on<t make me angry& !itt!e gir!. >e $oth know how that story ends., +e moves
toward me with his hands fo!ded perfe%t!y $ehind his $a%k !ike he a!ways does when he<s in
%ontro!. *9 tried to $e reasona$!e with yo#. 9 tried $eing ... nice.* 9 get the impression that !ast
word tasted p#trid on his tong#e. *B#t yo#<ve made it %!ear the on!y way 9 %an get thro#gh to yo#
is with vio!en%e. 'ruelty. 0o yo# see what yo#<ve made me do@,
9 see it. And 9 hate it. 9<m in no way wi!!ing to a%%ept f#!! responsi$i!ity for what "athan is&
$#t the shame of for%ing his hand is overwhe!ming. $hat would my "ather think o" me7 9 was
raised in a vio!ent wor!d& and 9<ve p!ayed a!ong. 0eath is a %onse)#en%e of that vio!en%e'9
#nderstand that'$#t this was not war& nor s#rviva!. This was a game to "athan& a game that 9
!ost. And Twig was a pawn.
*>hy don<t yo# =#st ki!! me if 9<m so m#%h tro#$!e@, 9 %!en%h my =aw& not rea!!y e(pe%ting
an answer.
*9 don<t want that& Cori., +is voi%e softens a !itt!e.
*>hat do yo# want@,
+e steps %!oser& !etting his hands fa!! %as#a!!y to his sides. They !ook awkward there& $#t
they<re a!! 9 %an $ear to !ook at. *S#$mission&, he says. *9t<s s#%h a simp!e thing& rea!!y. Be a
so!dier who does what she<s to!d.,
*>hat have 9 not done& "athan@, 9 say !o#der than 9 mean to. *>hat have yo# asked that
9<ve not done@ Ao# say r#n& 9 r#n. Ao# say shoot& 9 shoot. Ao# $!indfo!d #s and te!! #s to work as
a team& so 9 work with my team. The team you gave me., 9<m ye!!ing now. *>hat have 9 not
doneC,
+e takes a !ong& meas#red $reath& and !ets it o#t with a sigh. +is eyes sear%h mine so
intense!y it makes me fee! e(posed. *Ao# haven<t $o#ght in. 9 %an see it in yo#r eyes. Ao#<re
mere!y s#rviving here. Ao#<re p!aying a game., $e both are, 9 %orre%t him in my mind.
*Ao#<re right&, 9 whisper& not remem$ering giving my !ips permission to speak. 9 meet his
eyes& whi%h have softened with intrig#e& wonder even.
*1ardon me@,
*Ao#<re right. 9<ve $een a kid a$o#t this. A %hi!d& p!aying %hi!dren<s games.,
9<ve %a#ght him off g#ard& $#t he %an<t hide the =oy in his eyes or his %rooked grin& no do#$t
thinking he<s fina!!y won. *Are yo# ready to grow #p then@,
+e !ays a heavy hand on my sho#!der& s)#ee?ing too hard. To#%hing me& $reaking his own
r#!es again. 9t<s everything 9 %an do not to p#sh his hand away& $#t 9 have to s#rvive. H#st
s#rvive.
*Aes&, 9 m#m$!e& another wave of tears taking me over.
*Bood&, he says& ret#rning his hands together at his $a%kside. *Bet some rest.,
.y heart sti!! ra%es when he !eaves. 9 give myse!f five se%onds to s%ream and %ry into my
pi!!ow then 9 s#%k it #p and try to wipe my tears away.
There<s a kno%k at the door. 9 pani% and try to p#!! myse!f together. A mi(t#re of $!ood and
tears r#$ off on the $a%ks of my hands. The door %ra%ks open& and Tit#s sti%ks his head in.
*.ay 9@, he asks soft!y. 9 nod and he %omes in& $#t 9 %ontin#e straightening my %!othes and
$edding. >hen 9 rea!i?e it<s hope!ess& 9 drop my hands at my sides and !ook #p at him.
There<s a stain on his white #ndershirt. The o#ter one is missing. *>hat happened to yo#r
shirt@, 9 ask.
+e !ooks down at it and shr#gs& a s#$t!e smi!e forming on his !ips. *Ao# threw #p on me&,
he says !ighthearted!y. *Twi%e.,
*Oh&, 9 m#m$!e& t#rning shades of red deeper than the $!ood staining my skin. *9<m sorry.,
+e m#st<ve %arried me to .edi%a!.
+e !a#ghs on%e. *9t<s okay., +e hesitates for a moment and 9<m starting to wonder why he<s
here& ta!king to me. 0id "athan send him to %he%k on me@ .ake s#re 9<ve rea!!y had a %hange of
heart@
*Are yo# okay@, +e moves a tiny step %!oser.
*Aes. Aeah& of %o#rse., .y eyes stray away from him. *0id "athan send yo#@, 9<m afraid if
he says yes& and afraid if he says no. >hy is he so ni%e to me@ Ad#!ts aren<t s#pposed to $e ni%e&
they<re not s#pposed to $e anything. .ost of them don<t even smi!e.
*"o& 9..., he %!oses the door and steps %!oser& weaving and #nweaving his fingers. *9 =#st
wanted to %he%k on yo#.,
*Oh&, 9 whisper. 9 take a $reath then $!#rt o#t what 9 %an<t stop thinking. *>hy are yo#
different@ The other ad#!ts ... they don<t... They<re not !ike yo#.,
+e $!#shes a !itt!e and shoves his hands deep in his po%kets. *O#r& #m ... o#r hormone
restri%tors aren<t as strong in the mi!itary. Some say vio!en%e re)#ires a %ertain amo#nt of
passion.,
*1assion@, 9 ask& sho%ked $y the t#rn this %onversation has taken. They %ontro! peop!e with
dr#gs. 9t makes perfe%t sense.
*1assion&, he e(p!ains. *Some emotions. Certain instin%ts. Things %ivi!ians aren<t a!!owed to
have.,
*>hat does that mean@, 9 fee! !ike a %hi!d& so naive. So #ninformed.
*9t means 9 %are a$o#t peop!e&, he says in a !ow voi%e.
9 ponder over the word care. Tit#s %ares a$o#t peop!e and 9 g#ess& for the moment& that
in%!#des me.
*Ao# don<t even know me.,
*9<ve known yo# for years&, he says.
9 remem$er him from 8nderage& s#re& $#t 9 hadn<t %onsidered those passing moments
*knowing, ea%h other. Every one seems to know me& $#t 9<ve !et them $e a so!e entity& *them.,
"ot individ#a!s. A!! 9<ve strived to $e was =#st that& and 9 never granted that %o#rtesy to anyone
e!se. E(%ept the few who pra%ti%a!!y for%ed themse!ves into my !ife. 0y!an& A!yssa& Binny.
That<s it. .y who!e wor!d.
*9 =#st want yo# to $e okay&, he adds a $eat !ater.
*Ao#<re not s#pposed to $e here.,
Even if he was a friend to Corne!i#s& he sho#!dn<t %are a$o#t me& or %he%k on me& or $e ni%e
to me. 6ook where it got Twig.
*9 know. 9<m sorry& 9 didn<t mean to make yo# #n%omforta$!e., +e starts for the door& $#t
!ingers there $efore opening it. *9 #nderstand it now. Ao#<re very...,
+e stares at the f!oor for a moment& deep in tho#ght over something. Something pertaining
to me.
*-ery what@, 9 ask.
+e shr#gs his sho#!ders& dismissing some tho#ght 9<m not privy to& and thr#sts one hand into
his po%ket and rea%hes for the door with the other. *9t<s nothing. /orget 9 said anything.,
>hen he !eaves the room& 9 ignore the a!most;%onversation a$o#t me and instead fo%#s on
the more important thing he revea!ed. "athan %ontro!s the %o!ony with chemicals. 0r#gs that
restri%t emotion and nat#ra! hormones. That<s why they don<t protest& why 9<m the on!y one who
seems to %are a$o#t the in=#sti%e here. That<s why it<s so fr#strating to "athan that 9<m imm#ne.
9t<s not $e%a#se he %an<t predi%t me& it<s $e%a#se he %an<t control me.
Tit#s ret#rns with a wet %!oth. *Ao#r fa%e&, he says witho#t rea!!y !ooking at me. The
%#riosity from a moment ago has !eft his e(pression.
+e<s $a%k to $eing my trainer. *Ao# won<t say anything to "athan@,
+is eyes meet mine for =#st a moment. +e<s nervo#s a$o#t what he said'that he %ares a$o#t
peop!e. +e<s s%ared 9<!! rat him o#t. +e should $e nervo#s. >hat if he does something st#pid and
"athan %a#ght him@
*9 won<t&, 9 ass#re him& $#t 9 hope he doesn<t %ontin#e to %onfide in me. 9<m gratef#! for the
%on%ern& $#t it rea!!y isn<t safe for either of #s& whatever his reason for having it is.
Tit#s e(tends the %!oth toward me. 9 don<t rea!i?e what it<s for #nti! he da$s some $!ood
from my fa%e& and 9 win%e.
*Thanks., 9 take the rag and wipe the $!ood myse!f as he !eaves again& giving a !itt!e nod as
a good$ye.
9 wonder why Tit#s has $e%ome %on%erned with me at a!!. 9 think $a%k to o#r vario#s
intera%tions& and 9 have to admit& he is kinder than most. Even kinder than .arsiana& my
roommateOs#perior offi%erO%onf#sing& #npredi%ta$!e friend& a!tho#gh she seems gr#mpier ea%h
day. Sti!!& if there were signs that Tit#s was $e%oming atta%hed to me& 9 missed them. 1erhaps it<s
simp!y a $ond formed $etween tea%her and p#pi!.
9 wonder how many of the ad#!ts fee! things despite "athan<s effort to %ontro! them. 9
wonder how Tit#s $e%ame so %omforta$!e dis%#ssing s#%h a ta$oo thing& and 9 wonder why he
fe!t he %o#!d tr#st me to know it. The on!y other person 9<ve ever heard open!y dis%#ssing things
!ike this was Corne!i#s.
9 garner a !itt!e strength and de%ide to go after him. 9f he knew Corne!i#s !ike 9 did& may$e
he %an te!! me what happened to him. 9f he rea!!y did die from his si%kness or if it was something
e!se. Someone e!se.
+opef#!!y 9 %an %at%h #p.
9 step o#t into the darkened ha!!way and don<t see him. 9 !ook $oth ways& not s#re whi%h
!eads to the e!evators. 9 hear his voi%e to my right and 9 =og toward him& my $are feet fa!!ing
soft!y on the !ino!e#m f!ooring.
>hen 9<m a!most to the end of the ha!!& ready to ro#nd the %orner& a giant hand %overs my
mo#th& and a strong arm wraps aro#nd my waist p#!!ing me into a dark %orner. 9 try to s%ream&
$#t don<t have the strength. 9 fight against the arms& $#t 9<m he!p!ess.
*9t<s me&, 0y!an whispers into my ear. 9 stop moving instant!y and t#rn to fa%e him& $#t he
stops me and ho!ds my fa%e away from him $y my =aw. 9t a%t#a!!y h#rts a !itt!e& whi%h st#ns me.
+e<d never h#rt a f!y Jif they even e(isted anymoreK. *Ao# %an<t !ook at me. H#st !isten.,
Tit#s says something 9 %an<t make o#t =#st o#t of my !ine of sight& when the e!evator opens
and another voi%e %himes in& "athan. *Tit#s. >hat $rings yo#@,
*H#st %ame from Cori<s room& sir.,
*And@, "athan asks. 9<m not s#re what he wants to hear& $#t may$e Tit#s knows.
*9 think she<s sti!! shaken #p. 9 spoke with her n#rse to make s#re they keep her we!! fed.
She<!! ret#rn to #s tomorrow. 9<m s#re she<!! give yo# a h#ndred per%ent if she<s got it.,
*Thoro#gh& so!dier. 9 was on the way to speak with the medi%a! team myse!f& $#t yo#<ve
saved me the tro#$!e. Sha!! we@, "athan says& %ava!ier as ever.
*Sir&, Tit#s responds and it so#nds !ike the two of them step $a%k onto the e!evator and the
doors %!ose and the motor %arries them to another f!oor. >as he prote%ting me@
9<d forgotten for a moment that 0y!an is sti!! ho!ding me. .y $a%k is pressed against him&
whi!e his arm is sti!! aro#nd my waist. The hand that %overed my mo#th ho!ds my %hin soft!y.
+e<s t#%king me tight& 9 ass#me& $e%a#se we<re $are!y in the shadow of the %orner we<re in. 9
g!an%e at the %amera a$ove #s. +e<s $ent over me and !eaning his head against mine& his $reath
heavy on my ear.
*9 fo#nd o#t more a$o#t yo#r imp!ant. 9t<s from a new series of %hips&, he says& )#iet!y.
*They store video footage of whatever yo# see. They<re working on a #niversa! devi%e to #p!oad
the data yo#r %hip %o!!e%ts so they %an monitor it. They<re going to #pgrade everyone.,
>hat he<s saying doesn<t make sense. 9t<s p#re insanity. Chip p!a%ement is minor s#rgery.
9t<s $are!y $eneath the skin. At !east that<s what 9 think #nti! 9 remem$er the heada%hes after my
s#rgery. Co#!d they have %onne%ted the %hip to my opti%a! nerve@
*Can they hear #s@, 9 ask& worried this %onversation wi!! $e re%orded& too.
*"o&, he says. *On!y images& for now.,
*>ait& how do yo# know a!! this@ +ow did yo# get down here@,
*9 don<t work in %hemistry. 9 re)#ested a transfer to te%hno!ogy after a few days& and they
moved me over. 9 %an dea%tivate my %hip and tamper with its data.,
*Cameras@ Se%#rity@, 9 ask& %on%erned for his safety.
*9<m in te%hno!ogy& 9 have easy a%%ess to se%#rity systems.,
*"athan wi!! ki!! yo# if he %at%hes yo# sneaking to see me.,
*"o& he won<t&, he says& his voi%e t#rning more grave than 9<ve ever heard it. *9<m his o!dest
%hi!d.,
*>hat@, Ten tons of %on%rete s!am into my g#t and 9 do#$!e over. 9 try to fa%e him& $#t he
g#ides my fa%e away from his again. 9 t#g his hand off my fa%e and p#!! away from his $ody.
+e wraps $oth hands aro#nd my sho#!ders. *6isten to me. Things are getting worse. "athan
is !osing %ontro!& and now that Corne!i#s is gone& there<s no one to keep him in %he%k. 9 don<t
know what he to!d yo# in there& $#t yo# %an<t tr#st him. +e<s #sing yo#. The ne(t time they take
yo# o#tside the $order& wait ti!! yo# pass the for%e perimeter& and yo# r#n. 0o yo# #nderstand
me@ Ao# r#n.,
9t takes a moment for me to rea!i?e 9<ve $a!!ed $oth fists and they<re a%hing to s!am into
something'or someone. +ow am 9 s#pposed to pro%ess what he<s saying when he dropped a
$om$ on me a moment $efore@
+ow is it that a!! 9 %an ask is& *"athan mates with the mothers@, .y skin $#rns $eneath his
to#%h& and despite a!! the things that sho#!d $e vying for my attention& a!! 9 want is for him to !et
me go. B#t he won<t.
+e ho!ds my sho#!ders firm!y& not a!!owing me to p#t spa%e $etween #s. *Of %o#rse he does.
.any of the men mate with them& espe%ia!!y the ones "athan favors.,
.y eyes sting& and my %heeks are warm with fresh tears. 9 %!en%h my fists so tight& my
fingernai!s %#t into the skin on my pa!ms. 9 try to =erk away from him one more time& $#t he
doesn<t !et me go.
9 have no idea how to pro%ess this. The epitome of s%#m& the pinna%!e of my hatred& is the
father of the $est friend 9 ever had. The d#!! a%he in my %hest is renewed and grows stronger $y
the min#te. .y who!e $ody trem$!es& and 0y!an<s arms tighten aro#nd me& $#t they don<t fee!
restri%ting. +e presses his %heek hard against mine smearing my tears on $oth o#r fa%es.
*9<m sorry 9 never to!d yo#&, he whispers& a!!owing his !ips to !inger against my ear. 9 =erk
my head the other dire%tion& s)#ee?ing my eyes sh#t.
*9..., 9 %ome #p short& my $ody trem$!ing more vio!ent!y. 9 don<t know what to say& 9 %an<t
even form a rationa! tho#ght.
+is arms !oosen and he p!a%es $oth hands on my sho#!ders& pro$a$!y sensing that his ro#gh
to#%h isn<t he!ping the stress of this %onversation. *1!ease say something&, he p!eads with me.
*+e<s yo#r father&, 9 m#tter. Are they %!ose@ +as "athan gotten information from him@
Co#!d 0y!an $etray me@
*+e<s not my father&, he insists& with a hard edge to his voi%e. *+e impregnated my mother&
$#t he is not my father. 9 hate him as m#%h as yo# do., +e swa!!ows hard. *H#st get o#t& Cori.,
*6et go of me., 9 wigg!e o#t of his arms and step forward a !itt!e& fina!!y fee!ing !ike 9 %an
$reathe. 9 need more spa%e. 9 need fresh air and no more $o#ndaries& no more fen%es or wa!!s. 9
miss 0y!an so m#%h& $#t 9 %an<t dea! with what he<s te!!ing me.
9 sh#ff!e $a%k to my room and a n#rse %at%hes me at the door. +er eyes soak in the e!evated
heart rate registering on my monitor.
*"eed something@, she asks& with no tra%e of emotion.
*>ater., She nods and 9 retreat to my tiny room& whi%h fee!s !ike a %age. 9 hope 0y!an gets
$a%k to where he %ame from safe!y. 9 %an<t have him getting h#rt $e%a#se of me. Even if he is
"athan<s son& 9<m %ertain "athan& of a!! peop!e& wo#!d have no pro$!em making an e(amp!e of
0y!an. +e<s the king of deta%hment.
>hen the n#rse $rings me water& 9 sip it s!ow!y. .y $ody sti!! )#ivers and my heart rate has
$een $eeping red for far too !ong. The n#rse %he%ks the monitor for my temperat#re after testing
my forehead with her hand. She asks a few )#estions a$o#t how 9 fee!& and at some point in her
ram$!ing'whi%h 9 $are!y !isten to'she de%ides to p#t in an 9-.
9 !ay shaking in $ed& %overed in !ayers of sheets and $!ankets& !istening to the so#nd of my
9- $eeping for an ho#r or so $efore my system %a!ms and my $ody stops trem$!ing.
Chapter Eight
9t<s ear!y morning in the training room and 9 !ook aro#nd at a!! the $oys& who !ook as tired as
9 fee!. The !ast week $ro#ght more r#nning& more target pra%ti%e& more %!asses. Tit#s ta#ght #s to
mar%h in perfe%t syn%hroni?ation. +e $arked orders& whi%h we o$eyed. +e ta#ght #s to fight with
knives& in%orporating fake ones into o#r %om$at %!asses.
>e<re a!! %overed in $r#ises and %#ts. >e<re $eat #p& $#t getting stronger. >e<re $e%oming
so!diers. >e are a #nit& $#t we are not the same. "ot sin%e Twig.
Tit#s arrives after a few min#tes. 9<m %aref#! to ignore the fee!ing that Tit#s is a friend& yet 9
%an<t he!p $#t tr#st him. 9 wish 9 didn<t. And tho#gh Tit#s stands $efore me for some task or
another every day& it<s 0y!an 9 dream of ea%h night.
The night he fo#nd me in .edi%a!& 9 dreamed of 0y!an and "athan side;$y;side& !a#ghing at
me as 9 !ie $!oodied at the feet of Sean. Another night& 9 dreamed of him in my =ai! %e!!&
threatening me !ike "athan did. One night he sn#%k in and strang!ed me in the shower& then
transformed into "athan& and $a%k into himse!f. 6ast night& he ha#nted my dream again& $#t
didn<t h#rt me. +e =#st wat%hed me whi!e 9 s!ept. 9t was the first night in a week 9 managed to
rest.
Tit#s has #s a!! !ined #p in a row& ea%h with o#r own giant p#n%hing $ag. Tit#s mar%hes #p
and down the row wat%hing #s as he $arks %ommands. Fi%k. Fnee. Ha$. E!$ow. Cross. And every
other thing we %an throw or s!am into a heavy sa%k. Event#a!!y he stops %ommanding #s and
a!!ows #s to %ome #p with o#r own strikes and patterns. 9 fo%#s on p#n%hes& trying to fig#re o#t
different ways to in%orporate my e!$ows into %om$inations.
Tit#s stops $eside me more than on%e to wat%h.
*Ba%k #p from the $ag&, he says as the others %ontin#e fighting imaginary enemies in the
form of %anvas and sand.
9 give Tit#s a p#??!ed !ook.
*Serio#s!y., +e !eads me to the open spa%e away from the p#n%hing $ags. Tit#s doesn<t !et
on that anything is different $etween #s& $#t it is somehow. 9 sti!! want to ask him a$o#t
Corne!i#s& $#t 9 haven<t fo#nd the right time.
*>as 9 doing something wrong@, 9 rep!ay the strikes 9 made trying to fig#re o#t whi%h drew
his attention.
*"o., +e p#ts #p his hands& and 9 fo!!ow s#it. +e !ooks me in the eye. *Ao# fight !ike yo#<re
sma!!& and yo#<re not., +e throws a !a?y p#n%h& and 9 $!o%k it. +e<s right& 9<m not short& we<re
a!most eye;to;eye& $#t& then again& he<s not as ta!! as the other g#ys either.
*Okay., 9 don<t know what he wants me to do& so 9 =#st $o#n%e on the $a!!s of my feet #nti!
he gives an order.
*Ha$... Cross... Ha$... +ook., +e a$sor$s the !ight strikes into his open pa!ms. *Breathe., 9
keep my hands #p& $reathing in thro#gh my nose and o#t thro#gh my mo#th. +e %a!!s o#t the
pattern again and 9 repeat it& not s#re if 9<m s#pposed to $e hitting hard or not. 9 don<t even know
what the point of this is& $#t 9 don<t )#estion it. 9 =#st do as he says.
Over his sho#!der 9 see Captain .arsiana doing a simi!ar e(er%ise with Hay%e. The others
sti!! hammer away.
9 repeat the p#n%h pattern another do?en times& $efore the orders %hange.
*Ao# have !ong !egs& and !egs are stronger than arms. Fi%ks and knees are yo#r $est too!s.
8se yo#r height to yo#r advantage., +e e(tends his hands toward my foot. 9 t#rn and $a!an%e on
my !eft !eg whi!e 9 e(tend the right toward his hands. +e gra$s my ank!e and dire%ts my hee! to
his ri$%age& where the kidney sho#!d $e.
9 retra%t my !eg and mo%k the strike to his ri$%age.
*Bood. /o%#s on the thigh and rear m#s%!es& and $reak the ri$s. This is a powerf#! ki%k.,
Tit#s gra$s a %#shion and straps $oth arms into the !oops. Then he ho!ds it =#st in front of
him.
*Fi%k&, is a!! he says& so 9 ki%k the pad. 9 !ean on my !eft !eg and make s#re to tighten the
m#s%!es in my right !eg and $#tto%ks whi!e 9 e(tend my hee!& aiming toward Tit#s<s ri$s and
s!amming into the pad. +e %o#nts off sets of five& !etting me $reathe in $etween sets. After that&
he shows me how to ki%k a man in the throat'the goa! of whi%h is to %r#sh the tra%hea'and 9<m
s#rprised how high 9 %an a%t#a!!y ki%k. 9 sho#!dn<t $e s#rprised sin%e 9 worked on things !ike this
with -an%e. A!tho#gh& my sessions with -an%e had most!y $een fo%#sed on se!f;defense& and
this is very m#%h offense;fo%#sed.
Boing thro#gh the motions& 9 rea!i?e it makes sense that my !egs %an do more damage than
my skinny arms %an.
Another ho#r passes with Tit#s showing me other ways to ki%k and knee an opponent. 9 !ook
over my sho#!der to where .arsiana tea%hes Hensen how to do some sort of =#mp;ki%k.
9 t#rn to Tit#s. *Can yo# tea%h me that@,
+e nods toward the %aptain. *She %an show yo#., +e p#ts away the pads we<d $een training
with and wipes the sweat from his fa%e on his s!eeve. *Bood =o$& today.,
9 $eam from his %omp!iment whi!e he wa!ks away. 9f 9 ever had a $rother& 9 hope he<d $e
!ike Tit#s.
Everyone seems to $e winding down& in%!#ding .arsiana and Hensen. .ay$e 9<!! ask her to
tea%h me that move on%e we<re a!one in o#r room.
E E E
The ne(t day& they sp!it #s #p to $egin !earning the vario#s f#n%tions of the %o!ony.
.arsiana& espe%ia!!y %ranky today& wa!ks me down to the s#pp!y $#i!ding to !earn a$o#t
inventory. She s%ans her finger and her a%%ess %hip and we enter the $#i!ding. 9<m taken a$a%k
$y how m#%h is in it. This p!a%e is so f#!! of !ies it %h#rns my stoma%h.
*>here does it a!! %ome from@, 9 ask& trying to so#nd timid to hide my anger.
*>e trade with other %o!onies., /ther colonies-9 knew itC +er eyes e(amine me for a
rea%tion& $#t 9 don<t make one. *These do%#ments represent the inventory. >e keep a month<s
advan%e on s#pp!ies in %ase there<s any #ne(pe%ted hindran%e in trade.,
*>ho keeps the inventory@,
*So!diers with an aptit#de for n#m$ers& #s#a!!y., She<s matter of fa%t& and a tad distant.
*0o they $ring it here@ 9<ve never seen any de!iveries., 9<m trying to hide the fa%t that 9<m
=#mping o#t of my skin from hearing a$o#t other %o!onies. 9 =#st %an<t !et my )#estions give me
away.
*>e meet them o#tside the $orders. /or the safety of the %o!ony& we don<t !et them %ome
%!ose.,
9 remem$er 0y!an mentioning some sort of perimeter $esides the fen%e. *9s that why we
have a for%e perimeter@, 9 say it %onfident!y& $#t 9<m not s#re 9 said it right.
*9t<s a for%efie!d& and yes it<s there to prote%t #s.,
Browing #p& they to!d #s they took meas#res to prote%t #s from anima!s and savages $#t 9
wonder if it was rea!!y other %o!onies they were worried a$o#t. They don<t want %ivi!ians to
know anyone<s o#t there. They she!ter them from the ki!!ings& the p#nishments. They<re giving
them the i!!#sion of safety. Feeping the food s%ar%e so they think nothing e!se is o#t there. And
any other h#man instin%ts that might )#estion "athan<s ways are s)#ashed with medi%ations.
9 spend a %o#p!e of ho#rs with .arsiana !earning a$o#t inventory& tho#gh 9 %an<t get her
ta!king a$o#t trade. This is my o#t. 9 have to %onvin%e "athan to p#t me on a trade gro#p'a
%onvoy'so 9 %an get on the other side of that for%efie!d.
"e(t& we meet #p with the on;d#ty g#ard at the women<s fa%i!ity. They e(p!ain $asi%
se%#rity to me& and a!!ow me to *keep wat%h, for a$o#t five min#tes whi!e the g#ard takes a
$athroom $reak. 1art of me hopes 9<!! get to see A!yssa& $#t who knows where in the $#i!ding she
might $e. 9 ask if we %an see the other g#ard posts& $#t .arsiana te!!s me we don<t have time.
The women who roam the fa%i!ity seem to $e moving witho#t m#%h p#rpose. To my
#nderstanding& most of these women work in 1op#!ation Jmothers& %aretakers& and s#%hK. 9<ve
a!ready seen a do?en pregnant women. 9 wonder if A!yssa is pregnant yet. 9 %ringe at the tho#ght.
>hen we<re $a%k o#tside& we hear a %ommotion $y the front gate. The %aptain =ogs toward
it& and 9 fo!!ow her. On%e we<re %!oser& 9 see that the %ommotion is Sean and Bi!!y fighting. A
few g#ards rip them apart and Tit#s gets in Bi!!y<s fa%e and sho#ts at him& something 9 %an<t
#nderstand.
A h#ge patro! so!dier& dressed in gray %amo#f!age& speaks #p. *Tit#s. >e have to go.,
Tit#s !ooks aro#nd and his eyes !o%k on me. *Take her. These two %an go tomorrow.,
*Come on& then&, the h#ge one says to me& then t#rns his attention $a%k to Tit#s. *"ot a!one&
tho#gh. 9<m not a $a$y sitter.,
*Right&, Tit#s answers. *Captain& see to these two@,
.arsiana nods in rep!y& and es%orts the $oys in the other dire%tion. Tit#s %raw!s into the
patro! tr#%k& %ramming me into a tiny spa%e with him. 9t<s the kind of tr#%k with a $en%h seat in
the front& and two tiny seats t#rned sideways $ehind them. The $a%k of the tr#%k is an empty
spa%e& may$e origina!!y intended for %arrying s#pp!ies or other things.
Tit#s and 9 are fa%ing ea%h other& o#r knees !ess than a foot apart. 9<ve $een dying to ask him
)#estions a$o#t Corne!i#s. B#t the massive so!dier and a sma!!er one are in the front on!y in%hes
away from #s.
The tr#%k %arries #s past the fen%es& and o#t onto the open fie!d that s#rro#nds the %o!ony.
As the terrain $o#n%es #s a$o#t in the %a$& 9 ho!d onto the seat and the window trying to keep
sti!!. A )#i%k t#rn tosses me into Tit#s<s !ap. +e gra$s my e!$ow with one hand& and my side
with the other to set me $a%k in my seat. "ot a word or a fa%ia! e(pression of any kind give me a
hint at what he<s thinking. +e seems off today and 9 wish he wo#!d speak. .ay$e he<s fr#strated
a$o#t Sean and Bi!!y<s fight.
*>a!ter&, he says to the $ig one. *Can yo# e(p!ain things to the kid@, The kid& 9 s%off in my
head. >hen Tit#s !ooks at me& 9 ro!! my eyes and !ook o#t the window. 9 fee! the tension $etween
#s grow pa!pa$!e in the air and 9 wonder where it<s %oming from.
The $ig one& >a!ter& $egins to speak as the vehi%!e s!ows down. *The for%e perimeter is hard
to see& $#t it<s marked off every twenty feet with these po!es., +e points to one on the !eft& and 9
%rane my ne%k to see it. 9t<s a !arge& $ron?e %o!ored po!e that !ooks p!ain eno#gh& $#t there m#st
$e me%hani%a! and e!e%tri%a! things inside it. +e rea%hes to a devi%e on the dash$oard that<s
easi!y twenty years more advan%ed than anything in this anti)#e;!ooking tr#%k.
>a!ter presses a series of $#ttons& whi%h 9 want to memori?e $#t %an<t rea!!y see. The
ma%hine makes a $eeping so#nd and then we ride straight thro#gh an opening in the for%e
perimeter that 9 %an<t even see. +e drives the tr#%k very %!ose to the po!e& on the right side. 9<m
not s#re if it has to $e the right side or if it %o#!d $e either and he simp!y %hose it. Either way& 9<!!
remem$er right.
9t o%%#rs to me that if 9<d ever s#%%essf#!!y =#mped the fen%e with 0y!an<s wings& 9 never
wo#!d have made it o#t $e%a#se 9 didn<t know this $order e(isted. 9 wo#!d have r#n for a mi!e
and then s!ammed into a wa!! 9 %o#!dn<t see& and perhaps it wo#!d have ki!!ed me.
On%e we<re o#tside the perimeter& >a!ter presses another $#tton& whi%h 9 ass#me disa$!es
the opening. +e t#rns right and $egins driving %!o%kwise aro#nd the %ompo#nd. The terrain is
$#mpy and there<s p!ain wi!derness as far as 9 %an see. /or a sp!it se%ond 9 wonder if there are
m#tated anima!s o#t there& !#rking in the shadows of the trees. Tit#s =ars me from the $rief
daydream with his hand on my knee.
*1ay attention&, he says& then points to a g#ard tower that !ooms ahead. .y eyes drift to the
hand sti!! on my knee& and he removes it.
9 wonder if may$e 9 rea!!y am meant to $e %omp!ete!y on my own. .ay$e the %reat#res in
the woods wi!! we!%ome me. 9 s#dden!y rea!i?e& 9<m s#pposed to $e trying to es%ape& and instead
9<m drowning my senses in se!f;pity. Stop, 9 te!! myse!f as 9 try to fo%#s on detai!s. >e<ve driven
a$o#t a )#arter mi!e on the o#tside& and it !ooks !ike the g#ard tower ahead is a$o#t another
)#arter mi!e. 9 %an ass#me a!! the towers are spa%ed a mi!e apart& $#t they may not $e
%onsistent!y spa%ed.
>hen we ret#rn to the entran%e we %ame thro#gh& 9 sho#!d $e too far for any of the g#ard
towers to see me. B#t somehow 9 do#$t they wo#!d to!erate $!ind spots. 9 m#st $e missing
something.
The tower ahead $e%omes %!ear as we draw %!oser and the fog dissipates. 9t p#ts the towers
inside the %ompo#nd to shame in every possi$!e way. This tower is made of meta!& and it<s so ta!!
9 %an<t see inside the room atop it. >a!ter stops the tr#%k and we a!! %!im$ o#t onto the dead
grass. As we near the tower on foot& the grass fades into grave! that %r#n%hes #nder o#r $oots. 9
don<t see a !adder anywhere& $#t there<s a se%#rity pad on one of the tower !egs.
After >a!ter %!ears his a%%ess on the pad& an e!evator drops down from the tower f!oor. On%e
the e!evator p#!!s #s inside the tower& my senses are overwhe!med with the sight of
instr#mentation and weapons& the so#nds of me%hani%a! whirring& and the sme!! of ten sweaty
men in %!ose )#arters.
The on!y things 9 re%ogni?e on the %omp#ter s%reens are images from se%#rity %ameras. 9
%an<t make sense of the other images. Tit#s stands o#t of the way with his hands $ehind his $a%k&
his fa%e devoid of emotion.
>a!ter %ontin#es ed#%ating me. *These monitors he!p #s patro! the area. Therma! imaging&
video feeds.,
*And then there<s the o!d fashioned way&, a redheaded& o!der man interr#pts. 9 t#rn to see
him standing $eside a %y!indri%a! devi%e& whi%h 9 take in )#i??i%a!!y. 9 wa!k toward it and the
man winks at me. *9t<s a te!es%ope.,
*Oh&, 9 m#m$!e& remem$ering an arti%!e a$o#t those. 0e%ades ago te!es%opes were #sed to
view spa%e. "ow they<re point!ess $e%a#se of the %!o#d %over. 9 g#ess they<ve fo#nd another #se
for it.
*Take a !ook&, >a!ter en%o#rages.
9 !ook into the eyepie%e and see an enhan%ed view of distant terrain. "ot on!y %an 9 see
a%ross the open p!ain $etween the perimeter and the inner fen%es& 9 %an see peop!e inside the
%ompo#nd. 9 %an a!so see a!! of the interior g#ard towers& and two other perimeter g#ard towers.
.y %han%es of es%aping #nnoti%ed are s!im to none. 9 %an<t es%ape today. 9t<!! have to $e at
night& and even then& they pro$a$!y have night;%apa$!e %ameras.
They<!! never p#t me on perimeter se%#rity& so trade %onvoys are my $est $et. So how do 9
get on them@ 9 g!an%e $a%k over at Tit#s who<s now wat%hing me with his hands in his po%kets.
>a!ter and the redhead take t#rns e(p!aining the weapons they have& whi%h are powerf#!&
and !ong;range. One of them stands on a tripod& and pro$a$!y weighs more than 9 do. 9<m !eaning
in to !ook into the s%ope when Tit#s fina!!y speaks. *6et her shoot it&, he %ommands& so
a#thoritative!y it takes me a$a%k.
The redhead s%rat%hes his day;o!d $eard& pondering for a moment. +e t#rns the g#n a %ertain
dire%tion and %he%ks the s%ope& making ad=#stments. +e fina!!y nods with a strange gr#nt& and
steps away from the weapon. 9 step #p and peer into the s%ope. Some type of %ar%ass hangs from
a tree $y $!a%k %ord. 9t !ooks fresh. .ay$e the gro#nded $irds aren<t the on!y anima!s !eft.
Aim for the head& !ove&, Red te!!s me. 9 p!a%e my arm a%ross the g#n and try to fig#re a
%omforta$!e way to position my $ody aro#nd it. 9 p#t my eye to the s%ope and !ine the red dot #p
with the %enter of the anima!<s head.
>hen 9 p#!! the trigger& the g#n ki%ks so hard it dis!o%ates my sho#!der& $#t 9 $ite my !ip to
keep from %rying o#t in front of a!! these men. They a!ready think 9<m weak& 9 %an<t give them
more of a reason. Red %he%ks the s%ope and %!aps me on the $a%k with a !a#gh.
A few other men %he%k the s%ope for themse!ves. *0ead ringer&, one of them says& with
p!easant s#rprise in his voi%e. 9 try my $est to smi!e& $#t Tit#s %at%hes my eye with %on%ern in his
feat#res. +e knows 9<m h#rt.
*.ovement&, >a!ter ye!!s as he %he%ks the s%ope himse!f. The men swing into a f!#rry of
a%tivity& !o%king and !oading weapons& %he%king monitors. "o orders are $arked& these men are a
we!!;oi!ed ma%hine. *Bet her o#t of here&, he sho#ts at Tit#s.
Tit#s gra$s me $y my good arm and drags me $a%k into the e!evator where we ?ip to the
gro#nd momentari!y. >e r#n $a%k to the tr#%k& me fo!!owing his haste& a !itt!e #nnerved $y his
s#dden worry.
Everyone in the tower is distra%ted& and 9<m r#nning with no one paying me any attention
$esides Tit#s. 9f there was ever a time for me to $reak away& this is it. Tit#s is strong& $#t he<s
$ig. 9 %an o#tr#n him.
A few yards from the tr#%k& 9 $egin to dip toward the woods. Before 9<ve even taken a step
o#t of !ine& Tit#s sweeps me #p into his arms and r#ns the rest of the way to the tr#%k& shoving
me inside $efore %!im$ing in after me.
9<m not getting o#t this time.
The tr#%k f!ies into motion& Tit#s driving !ike mad. +e takes #s to the first $ron?e po!e and
opens a porta!. >e whi? thro#gh and Tit#s s!ams on the $rakes. +ard.
+e !ooks $ehind #s %he%king for something& then !ooks me in the eye. >itho#t a word& he
rea%hes toward me and 9 p#!! $a%k. >hen he !at%hes onto my right arm& 9 rea!i?e he<s trying to
fi( my sho#!der. +e doesn<t even warn me $efore he yanks my arm& for%ing it $a%k into the
so%ket.
9 !et o#t a groan& $#t manage not to s%ream. +is hand !ingers on my sho#!der& massaging the
tiss#e aro#nd the in=#ry. *9<m sorry&, he m#m$!es.
*>hat was that a$o#t@ >hat movement@, 9 rep!a%e his hand with my own& r#$$ing my
sho#!der.
*Ao#<re not a#thori?ed to see that., +e sits $a%k in his seat& with his hands on the whee!&
sti!! $reathing heavi!y from the r#n.
*>hat<s o#t there@,
*9 =#st needed to get yo# $a%k inside. Everything<s fine. O#r men hand!e these kinds of
in%idents a%%ording to standard proto%o!& and they are very ski!!ed. There<s no need to worry.,
9<m hating the way he so#nds a!! $#siness. 9 want to ta!k to the Tit#s that 9 tho#ght was
$e%oming a friend.
9 try to !ook $a%k o#tside the $order& $#t he t#rns my fa%e $a%k toward the %o!ony& my
prison. $ill I ever be "ree7
*The men in perimeter g#ard are the veterans of o#r team. -ery ski!!ed. They keep #s safe.,
9t strikes me odd how he<s answering )#estions 9 didn<t ask.
*>hat<s yo#r =o$ when yo#<re not training kids@, 9 ask& #na$!e to stop the spite in the !ast
word. 9<m thinking now<s the on!y %han%e 9<!! have to get him ta!king. +e doesn<t seem to $e in a
h#rry to get #s $a%k to the %ompo#nd& so 9 want to take advantage of the priva%y.
*1ersonne!. Troop management. 9 make assignment re%ommendations. Eva!#ations. Things
!ike that.,
*Ao#<re a peop!e person&, 9 ded#%e.
*9 %an $e. .ore important!y& 9<m a good =#dge of %hara%ter., +e takes a deep $reath&
%a!%#!ating his words. *9 know peop!e&, he te!!s me. The %onversation seems to $e re!a(ing him&
$#t there<s sti!! an edge that might $e dangero#s!y sharp. 9 don<t want to p#sh it& $#t 9 do anyway.
*>hat do yo# know a$o#t me@, 9 ask& tentative!y. +e meets my ga?e& %#riosity growing in
his e(pression. 6ike the %#riosity 9 saw in .edi%a!. 9 try to keep my fa%e ne#tra!. 9 sti!! don<t
know if Tit#s is someone 9 %an tr#st& so 9 %an<t give anything away that might in%riminate me. 9f
9 !et on that 9<m p!anning to !eave& he %o#!d have me arrested for treason.
+e st#dies me a moment !onger.
*9n .edi%a! yo# said yo# #nderstood something. >hat@,
+e hesitates. *9 #nderstand what Corne!i#s saw in yo#. Ao#<re ... e(%eptiona!',
*9', 9 interr#pt.
*B#t..., he for%ef#!!y interr#pts me in ret#rn. *B#t yo# do not !ike to $e to!d what to do.,
+ow %o#!d he possi$!y know that@ 9<ve fo!!owed orders f!aw!ess!y d#ring my training.
*9 o$ey&, 9 te!! him& a !itt!e too defensive!y. +is eyes are g!#ed to mine now& and 9 wish 9
%o#!d !ook away. Eye %onta%t was never meant to $e he!d this !ong.
*That yo# do&, he says soft!y. 9 %an<t take it anymore& so 9 fina!!y $reak his ga?e& pi%king at
the dirt $eneath my fingernai!s.
*>hat assignment re%ommendations wi!! yo# make for me@, 9 say it %as#a!!y& $#t it<s of
#tmost importan%e. +e p#ts the tr#%k in gear and !ets his foot off the $rake. >e a%%e!erate s!ow!y
a%ross no man<s !and.
*>hi%h assignment wo#!d yo# !ike@, +e<s $eing sin%ere. 9<m treading !ight!y.
*Trade., +e stops the tr#%k again. 9 think that was the wrong answer.
*>hy@, he asks& !ooking deep into my eyes again. Sear%hing me. 9 don<t know what the
right answer is& so 9 don<t give one. 9 shr#g my sho#!ders& thinking of saying 9 don<t know& $#t he
speaks again. *Ao#<re very...,
9 wonder if this is what he<d wanted to say in the medi%a! wing. 9 for%e my voi%e to so#nd
tender. *9<m what& Tit#s@,
*.ysterio#s. Ao#<re the on!y person in a!! of Anti#s that 9 %an<t seem to fig#re o#t.,
9ntrig#e. Be%a#se 9<m different. As if 9 need more proof 9 don<t $e!ong here. 9 wipe the
e(ha#stion from my eyes and peer o#t the window at the %o!d& open fie!d s#rro#nding #s. *+ey&,
he whispers& p!a%ing his hand on my knee. *9 didn<t mean it that way.,
9 try to ignore his hand on my !eg& $#t it<s searing thro#gh my skin& $#rning down to the
$one. Ignore it, ignore it, 9 te!! myse!f. 9 %an<t risk offending him. 9 sti!! honor the %hoi%e not to
speak& tho#gh.
*Ao# seem !ike yo# %o#!d $e a person that does something rea!!y spe%ia!. Something great&,
he %ontin#es& his sin%erity $#rning into my heart. +e believes in me. B#t why@ 0id Corne!i#s@
And what does he mean anyway@ >hat does he think 9<m %apa$!e of@ Being "athan<s
demented minion@ A %aptain in his army@
9 try to fight $a%k the %yni% s%reaming )#estions in my head& $e%a#se 9 don<t think that<s
what Tit#s means. There<s something in him that %at%hes me. Something h#man that "athan
hasn<t managed to ki!!4 it so#nds !ike hope.
>hat does Tit#s hope for@
9 stare at the hand on my knee& and wat%h as he p#!!s it away. +e pats me on the head !ike
one might to#%h a %hi!d& then p#ts his hands $a%k on the steering whee!.
*9 #nderstand why Corne!i#s !oved yo# so m#%h., &eres my chance to ask& 9 think.
*+ow we!! did yo# know him@,
*+e asked me to !ook o#t for yo#& whi%h isn<t easy with a gir! !ike yo#., 9 stare at nothing
whi!e 9 pro%ess that Tit#s rea!!y was %!ose to Corne!i#s. And it seems Corne!i#s rea!!y tr#sted
him. *+e ta!ked a$o#t yo# a !ot.,
>e fa!! into a si!en%e for what m#st $e severa! min#tes& $#t on!y fee!s !ike a se%ond. 9 rea!i?e
9 miss Corne!i#s. And 9 wonder if Tit#s does& too. .ay$e that<s rea!!y what o#r newfo#nd $ond
is a$o#t. /or a moment 9<m gratef#! that someone e!se is here to share Corne!i#s<s memory.
A sing!e tear es%apes down my %heek& and Tit#s rea%hes a%ross the divide $etween #s and
wraps an arm aro#nd my sho#!der. 9 try not to s)#irm& 9 %an<t risk offending him. +e makes the
assignments& and 9 need him to assign me to trade.
*+ey& it<s okay. 9 !ike to think he<s in a $etter p!a%e now., +e !eans his head against mine
whi!e he pats my sho#!der& and in a moment his to#%h $e%omes white hot fire on my hyper;
sensitive skin& and it $rings me to my senses. Tit#s is to#%hing me.
$rong. $rong. $rong!
*Ao# %an<t to#%h me. 9<m sorry&, 9 m#m$!e as 9 p#sh him away. *Ao# %an<t., 9 %an<t !ook at
him. >hat is he thinking@ Re%k!ess. Comp!ete!y hapha?ard. .y hands $egin to trem$!e.
*Ao#<re not a!one&, he says& as tho#gh what he =#st did wasn<t i!!ega!.
*Aes& 9 am a!one.,
*9t<s okay to !et peop!e in&, he en%o#rages. 9f 9 didn<t know $etter& 9<d say hes a traitor to
"athan& too.
*9t<s i!!ega! to !et peop!e in. Or have yo# forgotten who yo# serve@, 9 stee! my voi%e& and it
h#rts !ike i%y need!es in my throat.
+e takes a deep $reath with a !ong pa#se. *Right.,
>e $oth keep o#r eyes forward& $#t 9 %an see him gripping the steering whee! in my
periphera! vision.
9 want to te!! him that it<s okay& and 9 appre%iate him trying to %omfort me and doing what
Corne!i#s asked of him& $#t 9 don<t say it. 9 %an<t !et myse!f get soft. 9<ve gotten way too
%omforta$!e with him. This is sti!! a dangero#s p!a%e& and Tit#s works for my enemy.
*9s that what this was a$o#t a!! a!ong@ Be%a#se 9<m the on!y fema!e yo# have a%%ess to@, 9
a!most regret the harshness of my a%%#sation& $#t this has to stop. 9 %an<t !et him $e %!ose to me&
no matter what the motivations $ehind it are.
*9t<s not !ike that., +e a!most !a#ghs. *9 have a%%ess to p!enty of "emales& Cori., +e m#st $e
approved for reprod#%tion.
*>e!!& 9<m not a mother&, 9 te!! him& referring& of %o#rse& to the on!y %onta%t a!!owed in the
%o!ony.
+is =aw is %!en%hed tight& his voi%e strained& growing irritated. *9 know that.,
*Then don<t treat me !ike one.,
+e simp!y nods& his !ips in a tight !ine a%ross his fa%e.
Tit#s drives #s $a%k to the %ompo#nd witho#t a word. 9 !et myse!f o#t of the tr#%k and mar%h
toward the re%essed e!evator& whi%h 9 %a!! #p $y pressing my fingerprint onto a pane! on the
gro#nd. By the time it rises from the gro#nd& Tit#s has %a#ght #p to me and gets inside with me.
>hen 9 !ook #p to see the other $ody in the e!evator with #s& my heart stops %o!d as 0y!an steps
$etween Tit#s and me.
9 miss 0y!an so m#%h 9 %onsider h#gging his ne%k and never !etting go. 9 %o#!d ta!k a!! this
%onf#sion o#t with him& and may$e he<d have some pear!s of wisdom for me.
The sma!! spa%e is fi!!ed with $eating hearts and deep& heavy $reaths& a!! for different
reasons. 9 want 0y!an to speak to me& to te!! me what<s going on in Te%hno!ogy& and how he<s
doing. 9f he<s seen A!yssa. >hy wo#!d he& tho#gh@ 9 don<t ask& and he doesn<t te!!. +e simp!y
steps off the e!evator on his f!oor.
Tit#s and 9 ret#rn to the training f!oor where the other p!edges $#sy themse!ves with
weapons and ropes. Captain .arsiana wat%hes over them. "athan isn<t here& and 9<m s#re it<s
$e%a#se of the in%ident at the perimeter& whatever it was.
*Time for a r#n&, .arsiana anno#n%es when she sees me. Apparent!y she<d $een waiting for
#s to get $a%k. She doesn<t !ook at anyone& she simp!y !eads the way to the e!evator. 6ooks !ike
there<s no s!eep in the near f#t#re.
The r#n is s#rprising!y refreshing. The air in my !#ngs seems to %!ear my tho#ghts and
steady my emotions. 9 rea!i?e 9 pro$a$!y overrea%ted with Tit#s& and deep down 9 know he
wasn<t trying to do anything inappropriate'and why wo#!d he if he has a%%ess to the $ea#tif#!
women in Reprod#%tion@ 9<ve =#st $e%ome so #sed to my independen%e& 9 re=e%t any sem$!an%e
of need. +e wanted to %omfort me& $#t 9 didn<t need it. 9 sti!! don<t #nderstand everything that
happened in the tr#%k& and if it<s going to %hange anything. 9 %an on!y hope that 9 haven<t made a
h#ge mistake& or that he wasn<t entrapping me.
9 #nknowing!y went dire%t!y to the so#r%e'Tit#s'a$o#t the assignment 9<!! need in order
to es%ape. 9<m not s#re what the odds are he<!! find me s#ita$!e and assign me to a trade %onvoy.
+e knows 9<m good with any weapon. 9<m vigi!ant& !eve!;headed. And 9 o$ey orders. 9 have to $e
a via$!e %andidate& and 9 hope he<!! take my re)#est serio#s!y. 9t<s my on!y shot.
There<s a!ways a sneaking do#$t !ingering in the $a%k of my mind that Tit#s doesn<t take me
serio#s!y. After a!!& there<s no reason for me to tr#st him& or his intentions. Tit#s is "athan<s
p#ppet. 9 %an<t !et myse!f forget that. Everyone here is dangero#s. .ay$e even 0y!an...
B#t him 9 sti!! tr#st. And he<s right& 9 have to get o#t as soon as possi$!e.
9 take an e(tra !ong shower after the r#n& and $are!y eat a thing at dinner. The night $rings
s!eep& $#t not rest. One moment 9<m staring at the gray %ei!ing !istening to the so#nds of
.arsiana<s $reathing& the ne(t 9<m seven;years;o!d.
E E E
$ere huddled in a dark corner while my "ather cradles me in his arms. Ive hurt mysel"
somehow, and hes trying to keep me "rom making noise. &e wipes the tears "rom my cheeks and
kisses my temple, but he doesnt look down at me. &is eyes dart protectively "rom one direction
to the ne9t, staying vigilant.
Shh,* he whispers in my ear. Theyre close. $e have to stay %uiet.*
.y tiny, pu""y eyes close "or a moment while I catch my breath. Then its happening. #ll o" a
sudden. #ll too %uickly.
.y "ather is on his "eet with me in his arms and hes running. The savages have "ound us,
and theyre "lushing us out o" our hiding place. I" I was bigger, stronger, "aster I could run on
my own and not slow my "ather down, but Im too young. Im helpless in his arms, looking over
his shoulders as bloody, inhuman men pursue us.
$e have a good head start, but Im too heavy, and Dad hasnt slept in two days. &es
breathing so heavily.
Daddy, put me down. I can run,* I tell him.
&e glances over his shoulder and gives me the chance. $hen Im on the ground I reali:e my
in,ury-my ankle. I mustve rolled it, but cant remember how. I make it two steps be"ore
screaming in pain, and landing in my "athers arms again.
Its my "ault, all my "ault. # stupid in,ury slows us both down. # stupid in,ury causes him to
be unable to draw his weapons as they gain on us. Stupid dead weight in his arms drains the
energy he needs to "ight when they catch us.
#nother block o" running, and we turn a corner. $hen my "ather stops in his tracks, I turn to
see whats stopped him. There are more savages ahead, while those behind us close in. $ere
trapped in an alley, blocked on both ends.
.y "ather eases me into a dumpster along with his backpack and mine. # black lid swings
over and traps me inside while the sounds o" enraged savages growling get closer. Dad mustve
pulled his weapons because I hear his guns "iring over and over. Savages yelp, and more shots
ring. Theres a pause then more shots, but theyre slower. Scu""ling, pounding, and sounds o"
"ists hitting "lesh erupt "or what "eels like "orever.
Suddenly, I hear the roar o" an engine and more gunshots that are too loud and too "re%uent
to be my dads. $hen the noise "inally ceases, I crawl out o" the dumpster to ,oin my "ather.
Im caught by a bright light coming "rom the direction o" the engine, a vehicle. In the other
direction, my dad lies in a puddle o" his own blood in the street. I run to him on my bad ankle,
and drop be"ore I make it, so I crawl the rest o" the way screaming "or him.
I "inally reach him and barely take in the in,ury to his neck thats too mangled to say what
e9actly caused it. The in,ury to his abdomen is more evident-a stab wound. Im too late, and
whoever showed up and scared o"" the savages was too late as well.
# pair o" hands peels me away "rom his dying body. #"ter that, there is nothing e9cept me
being held by a pair o" arms that are not my "athers. #nd I dont ever want to be held again.
(verything is cold and dead.
(very set o" hands is cold and dead.
E E E
9<m sweating $#!!ets when 9<m =arred awake $y a simp!e so#nd in the $athroom& where
.arsiana m#st $e finishing #p a shower.
9t takes a moment for me to rea!i?e what woke me isn<t the shower& it<s her voi%e. 9 rise from
the $ed and tiptoe in her dire%tion. >hen 9 peak into the $athroom& 9 see .arsi in the f!oor %rying
into her hands.
9 gra$ a %!ean towe! and go to drape it over her naked $ody when 9 see what 9 ass#me is the
so#r%e of her pain4 fresh $r#ises taking form on $oth of her sho#!ders& !ike someone gra$$ed her
too hard.
9 drop to my knees $eside her. *.arsiana& what happened@,
She wipes her eyes& poor!y %overing herse!f with her !anky arms. Shower water drips from
her hair onto her %heeks where it $!ends with the tears. She %!ears her throat. *9<m fine& Cori. Bo
$a%k to $ed.,
*"o. Ao#<re h#rt., She fina!!y !ooks at me& her eyes wide and her $ottom !ip )#ivering. 9
attempt to ass#re her& *>hoever it was& we %an t#rn them in.,
+er $row f#rrows and she shakes her head& do#$tf#!!y& then !ooks $a%k at the f!oor. She
takes the towe! from me and p#!!s it tight aro#nd herse!f.
*>as it "athan@ >hat did he do@, She re!eases a so$ into the towe!& hiding her fa%e from
me. 9 gra$ her wrist and for%e her to !ook at me. *+e<s h#rt me $efore. +e sho#!dn<t get away
with it.,
*The r#!es don<t app!y to "athan&, she says. *Ao# sho#!d know that $y now.,
*>hat happened@ Are yo# in tro#$!e@, 9 gra$ another towe! and wring the water from her
sopping wet hair. 9f she<s in tro#$!e& may$e 9 am& too. #gain.
*+e was dr#nk. +e tho#ght 9 was some other woman. .ay$e one of the mothers or
something., She wipes her nose and !eans her fa%e on her knees& whi%h are p#!!ed to her %hest.
*A!%oho!@ That sti!! e(ists@,
She takes the towe! 9 #sed on her hair from me. *Bo $a%k to $ed& Cori.,
9 stand to head $a%k to $ed& $#t when 9 rea%h the doorway she says& *>ait., 9 t#rn $a%k to
her. *Ao# %an<t say anything a$o#t this., +er eyes are p!eading& and 9 #nderstand her fear.
*9 won<t.,
E E E
9n the morning& 9 get ready for the day whi!e .arsiana is sti!! in $ed. 9<m !earning to %ope
with the s#$t!e thro$ in my head that a%%ompanies every morning.
The who!e day is spent rotating g#ard shadowing. The ne(t day& interior tower shadows. 9<m
$ored to say the !east& $#t 9<m getting $y. 9<m fo%#sed.
*Assignments are ready&, .arsiana te!!s #s another day !ater. She<s matter of fa%t& $#t her
tone is not as deadpan as it #s#a!!y is when she addresses #s. 9 wonder if it has something to do
with why she<s seemed so off !ate!y. A!most #nhappy.
Tit#s hasn<t !ooked my way sin%e the tr#%k& and 9<m an(io#s to find o#t where they<!! assign
me. >omen<s $#i!ding se%#rity@ There<s a!ways a %han%e that if 9 perform we!! with whatever
they give me& they %o#!d move me into trade !ater. B#t how !ong wo#!d 9 have to keep #p this
good;so!dier %harade@
*Sean. Ao#r first assignment is to =oin Captain 207 on a trade %onvoy. They %o#!d #se a
good& strong arm !ike yo#rs for e(tra se%#rity.,
.arsiana<s words are %a!%#!ated !ike a!ways& $#t not as emotion!ess. She has shattered me.
There<s no way we $oth got on trade. 9 was right a$o#t Tit#s& 9 %an<t tr#st him. +e<s given my
adversary the =o$ he knew 9 wanted& that he didn<t know 9 needed. 9<m fro?en in time and 9 don<t
hear another word that is said even tho#gh 9 %an see her mo#th %ontin#e to move.
/ina!!y 9 meet Tit#s<s eyes and he nods toward .arsiana. 9 !ook at her rea!i?ing someone has
=#st said my name.
*Aes@, 9 ask.
*Trade&, she says. *Same assignment as Sean. >e<!! see how yo# do., 9 !ook $a%k to Tit#s
$#t his $a%k is t#rned& and he<s !eaving the room.
*0ismissed&, the %aptain says.
Chapter Nine
9 am a pi!e of nerves. 9<ve $are!y s!ept in the !ast week. 9 spent %o#nt!ess ho#rs menta!!y
preparing myse!f for a getaway& and if everything goes a%%ording to p!an& that happens today.
9 g#??!e two %ans of soda with my $reakfast sin%e my $ody fee!s so #nrested. 9 need the
e(tra ki%k from the %affeine. 9<ve $een sitting with the other seventeen;year;o!ds at mea! times.
J>e<re not p!edges anymoreD every$ody was assigned to some d#ty or another e(%ept Twig.K
The $oys ram$!e on a$o#t something& !ike they a!ways do over mea!s& $#t something stands
o#t and 9 fina!!y start paying attention.
*+aven<t yo# noti%ed a!! the traffi% in and o#t of .edi%a!@, Bi!!y asks .att.
*9 g#ess so. 9 wasn<t s#re if that was norma!&, .att rep!ies& a !itt!e defensive!y.
*They<re #pgrading every$ody<s a%%ess %hips or something. 9 heard someone in the ha!!s on
my shift&, Hay%e e(p!ains& referring to his se%#rity shifts on the medi%a! f!oor. 9 wonder if they<re
getting the kind of %hip that 0y!an to!d me a$o#t. The kind that re%ords what we see. H#st another
means of %ontro! and fear& that is i" these peop!e %an even "eel fear anymore.
*0oes every$ody have them now@, Sean asks as if reading the ne(t )#estion dire%t!y from
my mind. +e takes a $ite of $read& then !ooks over his sho#!der and $a%k.
*9<m not s#re& $#t pro$a$!y most of them., Hay%e straightens #p in his seat. 9 sense this
%onversation is making everyone #n%omforta$!e.
9f they<re #pgrading every$ody& they m#st $e getting ready to #se what the %hips are really
%apa$!e of. >hat is it they are trying to do@ "athan a!ready has %omp!ete %ontro! of every so#!
inside these fen%es.
9 %hew on it a !itt!e !onger $efore shifting $a%k to my goa! for the day. Be!ieving my p!ans
wi!! go off witho#t a hit%h wo#!d $e naive to say the !east& so 9<ve r#n thro#gh m#!tip!e s%enarios
and how 9 wo#!d respond to ea%h. Regard!ess of hi%%#ps or s#rprises& 9<m !eaving Anti#s and
"athan for good tonight.
9 know nothing a$o#t the %o!ony we<re meeting #p with to trade& and 9 have no idea what to
e(pe%t. 9 don<t even know what we %o#!d possi$!y have to tradeD to my know!edge we have
nothing va!#a$!e. Sean and 9 were given stri%t instr#%tions to $e spe%tators on!y& not to speak&
and to keep an eye o#t for possi$!e threats to the se%#rity of o#r %aravan. >e are !earning on!y&
not parti%ipating. At !east that<s what they think.
>hat they do not know is that when we meet with whoever it is& 9 f#!!y intend to $e !ost in
the sh#ff!e. 9 don<t know if the other %o!ony wo#!d take me in& $#t if 9 %o#!d manage to ming!e
into their gro#p !ong eno#gh for "athan<s team to p#!! away& 9 %an go off on my own afterwards.
There<s a possi$i!ity that they wo#!d fee! a %ertain !oya!ty to "athan or Anti#s& and se!! me
o#t. B#t perhaps 9 %o#!d sneak away& and %at%h #p to them !ater pretending to $e a !oner. >o#!d
they mistake me for a savage@
There are many varia$!es. A!most too many.
E E E
After $reakfast& 9 meet #p with my s)#ad. >ith a %anvas $ag %ontaining a %hange of %!othes
over my sho#!der& 9 stand in !ine ne(t to Sean& mere!y $e%a#se he<s the on!y one 9 know. 9 %an
sti!! see in his eyes that he hates me to the %ore& $#t he to!erates me. .ay$e $e%a#se of Twig.
>e<re !oading onto a mi!itary vehi%!e with a !arge %argo area. There<s $en%hed seating on
either side& and gray %ontainers near the %a$. One of the first on& 9 find a seat %!ose to the %argo'
of whi%h 9 sti!! don<t know the %ontents'and sett!e in for a !ong ride.
Sean is %!ose $ehind& $#t another so!dier sits $etween #s. Eight more so!diers %!im$ a$oard
the tr#%k& fo!!owed $y Ha%o$& one of on!y a few mem$ers of "athan<s e!ite Bovernment division.
9<ve never $een this %!ose to an offi%ia! $esides "athan& and 9 had no idea he wo#!d $e =oining #s.
9 s#ppose he<!! $e a%ting as an am$assador. O#r so!diers aren<t parti%#!ar!y %harismati% or good
with words.
The driver'whom 9 %an<t see sin%e there are no windows $etween the %a$ and the %argo
ho!d'%ranks the engine and revs it a few times to warm it #p. 9 !ean my head against the %o!d
meta! siding and a!!ow my eyes to %!ose. 9 rea!i?e the %affeine is no #se for a week<s worth of
missed s!eep. 9<m hoping to %at%h a !itt!e on the drive.
9 pretend to s!eep whi!e the n#m$ers add #p in my head& and the odds sta%k against me. Ten
so!diers& $esides myse!f& share the %argo ho!d& in%!#ding Sean. A driver and navigator o%%#py the
%a$. A government offi%ia! is the i%ing on the prover$ia! %ake. >hat a $itter %ake.
Sean a!one wo#!d have $een diffi%#!t to over%ome& $#t a tota! of thirteen armed and we!!;
trained men wi!! $e on f#!! a!ert the entire time we<re o#tside of Anti#s<s $order.
The ride is far from %omforta$!e& not that 9<d e(pe%ted it to $e. 9 !ean against %o!d meta!
sidingD 9 sit on a %o!d meta! $en%h. There is no heat& no warmth to $e had. 9 wonder when spring
wi!! %ome again. The temperat#re isn<t the on!y thing in the tr#%k that<s %o!d. Every sing!e man
in here is a stone;fa%ed $!o%k of i%e.
After a %o#p!e of ho#rs& the driver p#!!s off the r#gged terrain and onto something smoother.
>hi!e 9 try to pi%t#re what the street wo#!d !ook !ike& sheer menta! and physi%a! e(ha#stion get
the $etter of me& and 9 drift to s!eep.
6ater& 9<m ha!f;awake after an immeas#ra$!e amo#nt of time& opening my eyes on!y
momentari!y to see that nothing has %hanged. 9 drift in and o#t that way severa! times& for what
fee!s !ike on!y min#tes. 9 rea!i?e it<s $een ho#rs when the tr#%k s!ows and the men $egin to stir.
The s)#ad !eader& Captain >i!son& asks *Every$ody !oaded@, %#eing #s to %he%k o#r
weapons. 9 st#ff a .7M handg#n into the $a%k of my pants and %on%ea! it with my shirt& as 9 see
others doing.
>i!son stands $y the doors and readies his own weapon whi!e he addresses #s. *Ro$& Evan&
weapons drawn. The rest of yo# keep yo#r weapons %on%ea!ed #n!ess hosti!ity is per%eived or
re)#ired. Feep yo#r eyes and ears pee!ed., +is eyes drift in my dire%tion. *Sean and Cori wi!!
he!p with !oading., 9 nod& $#t this wasn<t the p!an. >e are s#pposed to $e spe%tators. 9 need to $e
as far away from the a%tion as possi$!e.
The so!diers 9 ass#me are Ro$ and Evan strap rif!es over their sho#!ders.
After another fifteen min#tes or so& the tr#%k fina!!y %omes to a stop& and Ro$ and Evan
stand posted on either side of the doors. Everyone gets to their feet& and 9 fo!!ow s#it. Ha%o$ eyes
me and gives a nod as if to reiterate >i!son<s instr#%tions. 9 wonder what "athan has to!d him
a$o#t me. 9<m not s#re why& $#t 9 find him even more #nnerving than "athan.
9 rea%h aro#nd to make s#re my firearm is se%#re and %on%ea!ed. /or a moment& 9 ra%k my
$rain trying to remem$er if 9 !oaded it. 9t<s too !ate for me to %he%k the mag& Ha%o$ is wat%hing
me. 9 know for s#re 9 didn<t %ham$er a $#!!et& and the safety is on. 9 keep an empty %!ip in the
g#n most of the time& and a !oaded %!ip near$y. 0id 9 swit%h them@ 9t might not $e !oaded. 9 hope
9 won<t need it.
>i!son $angs on the door. 9 hear ma!e voi%es and footsteps o#tside the tr#%k& then a %!i%k
and a s)#ea! as the doors p#!! open from the o#tside.
*Boss&, the man says with a nod as he props one door open& and the other man props the
other. The driver and his %omrade.
Ha%o$ steps aside whi!e the so!diers fi!e o#t of the %argo ho!d. 9t<s d#sk o#t& and 9 sti!! %an<t
see anything o#tside from where 9 stand. On%e the so!diers are on the gro#nd& Ha%o$ %!im$s
down.
*0o yo# have it@, Ha%o$ asks someone 9 %an<t see.
*>e do&, a rep!y %omes& as Ha%o$ gest#res for Sean and me to fo!!ow him. 9 !et Sean e(it the
tr#%k first& and st#m$!e after him. 9 trip& and a!most fa!! $#t %at%h myse!f on Ro$<s e!$ow J9 %an
see his nametag now. 9<m a!ways intrig#ed $y whi%h ones %hoose to p#t their n#m$er on their
tags and those who p#t their names insteadK. +e !ooks down at me with p#re irritation. 9 re!ease
his e!$ow and %at%h #p to Sean and Ha%o$.
>e stand on a paved !ot near an enormo#s $#i!ding that<s %!ear!y $een a$andoned !onger
than 9<ve $een a!ive. /a!!en power !ines& d#st;%overed trash& wood and stone from the $#i!ding<s
rotted fa%ade s#rro#nd #s. Everywhere. The setting s#n i!!#minates foothi!!s in every dire%tion
and a de%ent amo#nt of shr#$$ery s#rro#nding the parking !ot we<re in.
Beyond the shr#$s are de%repit ho#ses. They were pro$a$!y top of the !ine $efore the
s#$#r$an peop!e that o%%#pied them f!ed or died.
The rear of o#r tr#%k fa%es a !arge open spa%e& on the other side of whi%h is another %onvoy.
.y heart ra%es when 9 see mem$ers of another rea!;!ife& non;savage %o!ony of !iving& $reathing
h#man $eings. "ot a fa%e among them is fami!iar& $#t 9 !ove every one of them for no other
reason than they e(ist.
9 hear something s%ree%hing a%ross the meta! f!oor of o#r tr#%k and !ook $a%k to see that one
of the g#ards has s!id a $in to the opening. Ha%o$ nods to Sean and me& and we r#sh to gra$ it&
p#!!ing it onto the gro#nd with great diffi%#!ty'it weighs a ton.
Ha%o$ %ommands #s& *Over here&, so we !ift it again and %arry it a good ways o#t in front of
o#r gro#p and set it down. Ha%o$ stands $eside it with a key in his hand& one that 9 ass#me opens
the massive %anister. *Come on then&, he te!!s the other gro#p.
A man emerges from the $a%k of their %rew& whi%h is sma!!er than o#rs $y a few heads. +e<s
ta!!& and !ooks we!!;fed& pro$a$!y o#t;weighing any of o#r men $y at !east forty po#nds. 9 %an<t
fig#re o#t how in the wor!d he maintains the e(tra weight. +ow m#%h food s!#sh %o#!d one
possibly %ons#me@
Behind him& his disheve!ed men %ome into view. They hard!y !ook !ike an army. Certain!y
nothing of the order and str#%t#re of o#r %onvoy. They s%#rry with a %rate of their own& tho#gh
it<s made of simp!e p!asti% and open on the top'not !o%ked& !ike o#rs& or even %!osed. As they
draw %!oser to #s& the %ontents of the %rate $e%ome %!earer'it<s food. Rea! food.
They set the %rate si( feet ahead of o#rs. Ha%o$ takes a knee $y their trade& and pi%ks #p what
9 think is a vegeta$!e. +e s)#ee?es it& sniffs it& then gra$s another. *And the grains@,
*9n the tr#%k&, the man says for%ef#!!y& as if he<s not ready to show #s the good st#ff yet.
*Open it., 9 noti%e a side arm that his hand hovers dangero#s!y %!ose to. >ith a gro#p as
mena%ing as o#rs& 9 wo#!d ass#me he has good reason to $e %a#tio#s& $#t none of o#r so!diers<
arms are even visi$!e Jtho#gh 9 know they have themK.
Ha%o$ #n!o%ks and opens the $in from Anti#s. +e takes o#t a sma!!er %ontainer& and p#!!s o#t
a via! of $!#e !i)#id. +e ho!ds it #p for the man to see.
The man %a!!s o#t $ehind him& *Test it., A s)#irre!!y man in gray& ratted %!othing
approa%hes #s with a !ow;te%h !ooking devi%e. Ha%o$ po#rs a da$ of the !i)#id onto a sensor on
the g#y<s gadget. After a few min#tes the devi%e ana!y?es the s#$stan%e& and gives an a!ert&
tho#gh 9 %an<t see it.
*The med<s good&, S)#irre!!y says. .edi%ine@ >e trade medi%ine for food@ +ave we done it
$efore@ Be%a#se 9<ve never seen rea! food in Anti#s.
The $ig man takes a deep $reath& *>hat e!se@ >e didn<t $ring a!! this for one med.,
*>e $ro#ght the one yo# need most. And p!enty of it., Ha%o$ p#ts the via! $a%k and ret#rns
the %ase to the $in. Then his hands %ross $ehind his $a%k with his sho#!ders stiff. 9 re%ogni?e that
post#re. There<s not a sign of tension in him& $#t 9 %an te!! the $ig man from the other gro#p is
getting angry. +is =aw is tense& and a vein in his forehead is standing ta!!.
*>e need them a!!., The man doesn<t gra$ his g#n& $#t 9 %an te!! he wants to. *9f o#r peop!e
die of infe%tion& who<!! grow yo#r food for yo#@,
*Ao#<re going to have to take the dea! or !eave it&, Ha%o$ te!!s him. The man<s g#n hand
twit%hes& and 9<m not the on!y one who sees it. Sean p#!!s his weapon& and >i!son doesn<t s%o!d
him. 9 rea!i?e this sit#ation is definite!y not what anyone had in mind today.
*This isn<t how we<ve $een doing $#siness. Corne!i#s',
*>e!!& this is how we<re doing $#siness now.,
The man grow!s& *>e<!! give yo# ha!f. "e(t time $ring a!! the meds we asked for.,
*>e<!! take it a!!&, Ha%o$ says with a nod toward Sean. 9n the se%ond it takes me to register
what<s happening& Sean p#!!s the trigger& hitting the man in the %hest. 9 p#!! my own g#n
instin%tive!y& and d#%k $ehind o#r $in. Everyone aro#nd me s%ram$!es with weapons in hand&
firing on the other gro#p& and them firing $a%k.
9t<s the perfe%t distra%tion. 9 need to r#n now. 9 !ook toward the other gro#p<s vehi%!e where
a!! of o#r men are advan%ing and firing on them. 9 see a yo#ng man dart from the %a$ of their
vehi%!es towards the shr#$s on the edge of the !ot. 9f 9 fo!!ow him& may$e he %an take me to his
%o!ony. .ay$e they won<t shoot me if 9 %an %onvin%e them 9 wanted o#t of Anti#s.
>itho#t another tho#ght& 9 take off after him knowing he<s my on!y hope. .y feet hit
pavement hard and fast. >hen 9 hear my $reathing grow heavy& 9 rea!i?e the shooting has
stopped.
*/ree?e&, a so!dier ye!!s& and a $#!!et hits the gro#nd $eside me. 9 stop in my tra%ks and t#rn
$a%k toward >i!son and his men& my g#n sti!! in my hand. Ha%o$ is staring thro#gh to my %ore& a
$!ended !ook of $etraya! and satisfa%tion a%ross his fa%e. 9 get the sense that no one wo#!d mind
terri$!y if 9 didn<t ret#rn with the gro#p.
*The kid<s getting away&, 9 ye!! $a%k to them& pointing at the kid a few feet from fa!!ing into
the shadow of the shr#$$ery. To make it %onvin%ing& 9 fire a shot his dire%tion $#t intentiona!!y
miss.
>hen 9 t#rn $a%k& 9 rea!i?e Sean<s g#n is the on!y one aimed at me& and 9 ass#me he took the
shot that $are!y missed me. 9f 9 took a shot at Sean& 9 wo#!dn<t miss.
*6et him go& then&, >i!son %a!!s to me& eyeing Ha%o$ as if awaiting orders. +e doesn<t know
what Ha%o$ is thinking any $etter than 9 do. *6et<s !oad #p.,
The men who =#st s!a#ghtered a %onvoy $egin !ooting their tr#%k& taking a!! the %rates and
!oading them on o#rs. 9 =og to %at%h #p& as Sean<s g#n is sti!! trained on me. 9 gra$ a %rate of food
and !oad it& fa!!ing in !ine with the others. 9 %an fee! the heat of Ha%o$<s ga?e on my $a%k& and 9
don<t !ook #p to meet it. >hi!e two other men take the weapons of those they ki!!ed& 9 %he%k the
%a$ of their tr#%k.
*Take the keys&, Ha%o$ sho#ts to me. *0on<t want the kid driving $a%k to his peop!e. 9f
we<re !#%ky& he<!! die o#t here on his own. 9 want them to %ome !ooking so this wi!! $e a warning
to them., >hat warning@ O#r way or no way@
*9 think 9 hit him& sir&, 9 !ie& hoping he won<t go !ooking. >hen 9 rea!i?e no one %an see what
9<m doing in the %a$& 9 gra$ the keys from the ignition and take the tr#%k key off the ring and
drop it in the %#p ho!der& hoping the kid wi!! %ome $a%k and find it. .ay$e he<!! make it home
safe!y.
9 t#rn $a%k to the gro#p to find Ha%o$& yet again& keeping his eye on me. 9 pretend not to
noti%e.
After !oading a few more %rates from their tr#%k& we !oad #p into o#r own. The %argo spa%e
is pa%ked m#%h tighter now $e%a#se of a!! the !oot& $#t it sme!!s ama?ing. Some %rates %ontain
vegeta$!es& some fr#its& some grains. And one other %rate ho!ds fresh $read. 9t<s mo#thwatering&
and !ike nothing 9<ve ever sme!!ed inside the %ompo#nd.
9 wonder who gets to eat it@ 9t s#re isn<t the %iti?ens of Anti#s. >e p#!! $a%k onto the road
and 9 try to prepare myse!f for the !ong trip $a%k to the prison 9 tho#ght 9 wo#!d never have to see
again. The sme!! of $read reminds me over and over how h#ngry 9 am& and 9 $egin to fee! a pang.
9 wonder if they<!! ever !et me go on a %onvoy again. 9 might need a new es%ape p!an. Tit#s
did me a h#ge favor getting me this gig. >i!! he do it again@ Am 9 $a%k to the idea of %!im$ing
an e!e%tri%a!!y %harged fen%e and fa%ing a for%efie!d 9 %an<t even see@
Sh#ff!ing so#nds =ar me from my tho#ghts& and 9 rea!i?e >i!son is ho!ding a $asket and
handing something o#t to the men. +e m#st know we<re starving. >hen he gets a !itt!e %!oser& 9
see his hand in the dim !ighting wrapped aro#nd a pie%e of $read& and my own e(%itement over it
si%kens me. These so!diers =#st ki!!ed nine men& and !eft another for dead& and 9 was a part of it.
"ow we<re eating their $read.
9f 9 wasn<t starving& 9 wo#!d re=e%t the $read on prin%ip!e& $#t there<s no way that sit#ation
wo#!d he!p now or on%e we get home and e(p!ain everything to "athan. 9 take the $read.
And it<s ama?ing.
9<ve never had fresh $read. The $read they give #s& whi%h isn<t m#%h& is a!ways on the sta!e&
%r#n%hy side. This $read is so soft and moist it pra%ti%a!!y me!ts on my tong#e.
The drive home fee!s twi%e as !ong as the ride o#t. 9 %an<t seem to get %omforta$!e with the
idea of fa!!ing as!eep with this twisted $#n%h of so!diers& espe%ia!!y the one who shot and missed.
9<m s#re he<d !ike to make #p for it soon. 9<d =#st $eg#n thinking may$e we %o#!d p#t away
whatever %hi!dhood iss#es had %a#sed the dissension $etween #s. 9t seems& instead& that he was
mere!y waiting for an opport#nity to present itse!f. 9<!! have to wat%h my $a%k and make s#re 9
don<t give him another %han%e.
9rony is that they %a!! the men that %hased my dad and me when 9 was a %hi!d savages. 9 see
the so!diers of Anti#s as no different& no $etter. At !east it was h#nger and %hemi%a! im$a!an%e
that drove those monsters to ki!!. The men that ride this tr#%k with me& and the men that r#n
Anti#s& are !eve!headed& $a!an%ed& and& for a!! intents and p#rposes& they<re fine. Aet it<s these
men that are the rea! monsters. "athan is a monster& and every person that fires a g#n on his
$eha!f.
9<ve never $een afraid of g#ns if they are #sed for the right reasons. 1rote%tion& h#nting food.
"ot %orr#ption& nor manip#!ation of power. "ot to s!a#ghter the peop!e who don<t agree to o#r
terms of a dea!. "ot this.
9 wonder how many others have $een ki!!ed $y Anti#s. +ow many meetings;gone;$ad.
Ha%o$ and >i!son didn<t f!in%h when things t#rned so#r. 9t was $#siness as #s#a!.
9 fight to keep from throwing #p my $read& then the tr#%k ro!!s onto the $#mpy gro#nd& and
#p it %omes. 9 hear a %h#%k!e and !ook to meet eyes with Ha%o$& who grins.
*/resh $read<s a !itt!e ri%h for a $!and;fed $e!!y. Sho#!d<ve warned yo#& 9 s#ppose., +e
!a#ghs again.
9 !ook down to the sma!! pi!e of my own vomit and hope we arrive in Anti#s $efore the sme!!
of it ti%ks every$ody off. Or worse& it might make them si%k& too.
9 %at%h myse!f !ooking $a%k and forth from person to person and rea!i?e 9<m !ia$!e to draw
attention. They<re going to know something<s not right& so 9 for%e myse!f to !ean $a%k and %!ose
my eyes !ike 9 had on the way here'a%t as nat#ra!!y as 9 %an.
*0o we a!! have to speak in the de$riefing@, 9 hear Sean ask.
*Ao# have nothing to worry a$o#t& so!dier., >i!son gives an en%o#raging nod.
*"o one wi!! have to say anything&, Ha%o$ says& pointing to the %hip in his ne%k. *>e<!! see
for o#rse!ves.,
That<s it. >e<re %he%king in when we get $a%k& and 9<m a goner. They<re going to know 9
tried to r#n& that 9 didn<t shoot any$ody& and that 9 !eft the key for that kid.
+ow far $a%k wi!! they go@ H#st today@
>hat if they go $a%k far eno#gh to see Tit#s with me in medi%a! and in the tr#%k in no
man<s !and@ >i!! they ki!! him& too@ 9 knew !etting him too %!ose was a mistake. And 9 know as
we!! as 9 know my name& they<re going to go $a%k as far as they %an to find something
in%riminating in my opti%a! re%ordings.
Another detai! p!ays at the edge of my %ons%io#sness& $#t 9 %an<t fo%#s on it. 9 s)#ee?e my
eyes and try to gra$ ho!d of it and p#!! it from the darkness& $#t it e!#des me. >hat am 9
forgetting@ /ighting so hard to find it& 9 p#!! myse!f farther in #nti! 9 drift to s!eep. E(ha#stion
and h#nger make s#re 9 stay there #nti! we s!ow down and 9 hear the fami!iar s%ree%hing of the
gates of Anti#s.
>hen the gates are %!osed $ehind #s& the driver opens the doors and we spi!! o#t into %haos.
9t<s ear!y morning and what !ooks !ike the entire %o!ony is in fren?y on the !awn. They are $eing
%orra!!ed into !ines that !ead to a row of $ooths. 9 %an<t te!! yet what<s happening inside the
$ooths.
*6ine #p with the rest of them&, Ha%o$ te!!s #s& and even >i!son !ooks s#rprised. >e fan o#t
to get in !ine& most of #s !ooking %onf#sed& $#t 9 get the sense 9<m the on!y one tr#!y %on%erned.
The rest of them are o$edient. A!! $#t me.
9 !ook at a!! the fa%es& s%anning them. 9 see so!diers& mothers& %aretakers& %!eaners& !awn
keepers. 9n one !ine 9 see men that get off on the s%ien%e f!oor. 9 rea!i?e this is where 0y!an
sho#!d $e. 9 wa!k toward them eager!y trying to find him& $#t no one even %!ose to 0y!an<s
height stands o#t. 9 p#sh thro#gh a gro#ping to !ook at the ne(t !ine. 0on<t see him.
A gro#p of men sh#ff!e my way and press me toward the front of the !ines and 9 !ose my
$a!an%e& $#mping into the $ase of the p!atform that the !ines !ead to. 9n ea%h $ooth& 9 see a %iti?en
with a %omp#ter atta%hed to their ne%k. An operator s%ro!!s thro#gh images on a spe%ia! monitor&
f!i%king them over with their fingertips. They<re moving so fast 9 don<t know how they %an see
anything. >hatever they<re !ooking for m#st $e spe%ifi%. Either that or their $rains pro%ess at an
inh#man rate& whi%h 9 do#$t.
*Ba%k of the !ine& kid&, a man near the front says. 9 g#ess they<ve $een waiting a whi!e'
they a!! !ook e(ha#sted.
9 r#sh to the end of the !ine and keep !ooking. A sho#!der hits mine hard& and 9 t#rn to !ook
at the offender who steps away. .ovement %at%hes my eye and 9 spot A!yssa r#shing toward
someone'0y!an. They<re sti!! severa! !ines over so 9 r#sh to meet them. Before 9<m %!ose
eno#gh to %a!! o#t to them& A!yssa throws her arms aro#nd 0y!an and he p#!!s away from her and
appears to s%o!d her. +is eyes dart aro#nd& pro$a$!y hoping no one saw the %onta%t.
B#t 9 saw it& and my %hip re%orded it.
9 stop in my tra%ks staring at nothing as the !ost memory fina!!y ret#rns to me. 9n medi%a!
that night after Twig was ki!!ed& 9 ran after Tit#s and 0y!an stopped me. +e to!d me a$o#t the
%hip and what it %o#!d do. +e warned me& and to!d me not to !ook at him.
9 remem$er heading $a%k to my room& $#t 9 !ooked aro#nd first to see if anyone was near. 9
know 9 went straight $a%k =#st !ike 9 was s#pposed to. A ton of $ri%ks hits me in the stoma%h as 9
rea!i?e when 9 !ooked $oth ways #p and down the ha!!& 9 %a#ght 0y!an in my periphera! vision.
9 !ook away from 0y!an and A!yssa immediate!y& not wanting any f#rther eviden%e against
them. They are a$o#t to s%an my memory and find o#t that 0y!an has $een p!a%es he<s not
a#thori?ed to $e& that he<s manip#!ated his %!earan%es& and that he<s physi%a!!y to#%hed two of
Anti#s<s gir!s witho#t a mating san%tion. +e<s =#st as g#i!ty as 9 am. And A!yssa. And Tit#s.
*Cori., 0y!an is s#dden!y right $eside me.
*>hat<s happening@,
*9t was s#pposed to $e the first of a ro#tine s%anning pro%ed#re. 6ooking for s#spi%io#s
a%tivity. B#t there was a se%#rity $rea%h after it was anno#n%ed& and they haven<t fo#nd the
so#r%e.,
A moment passes whi!e it a!! soaks in. >ho wo#!d $rea%h se%#rity@ 9 didn<t think many of
#s had anything to hide.
*Cori., A!yssa stares at me. 9 rea!i?e 9 haven<t responded and my mo#th is hanging open.
*>e have to go. >e have to go now&, 9 te!! them.
*>hat are yo# ta!king a$o#t@ Bo where@, A!yssa whimpers& worry now %ons#ming her.
She<s never seen me this #nrave!ed.
9 !ook 0y!an in the eyes. *9<ve seen too m#%h. They<!! ki!! a!! three of #s.,
*0y!an@, A!yssa asks& !ooking to him for a rep!y that makes sense to her. +is eyes don<t
!eave mine.
*She<s right. >e have to go.,
*+ow@, A!yssa whispers.
9 !ook over my sho#!der at the tr#%k we =#st rode in on& and it<s sti!! !oaded #p and the doors
hang wide open. 9 have no idea how to drive.
*/o!!ow me&, 9 te!! them.
9 !ook to my !eft at the !ine $eside #s& one !ine %!oser to the tr#%k. 9 sidestep to the $a%k of
the !ine& and 0y!an and A!yssa fo!!ow. 9 fo!d my hands in front of me and try to $!end in. 9 hope
they are doing the same. >hen my !ine steps forward& 9 sidestep again =oining the ne(t !ine&
%#tting a few peop!e off. They gr#m$!e so we move again& making s#re to go to the $a%k of the
ne(t !ine.
9 spot Ha%o$ making his way onto the p!atform and !ooking over the sho#!der of the first
operator. +e !ooks #p and s%ans the !ines #nti! he !ands on me. +e<s ready to see what 9<ve seen.
9 risk a s!ight t#rn toward 0y!an& trying to !ook non%ha!ant.
9 whisper& *Ao# two get in the %a$ of that tr#%k. 9<!! %at%h #p.,
*"o& we<re not sp!itting #p., 0y!an<s voi%e is a !ow grow!.
*9<m $eing wat%hed& we have to., 9 meet his eyes and pray he %an see how serio#s 9 am. The
tension in his =aw reminds me that he doesn<t !ike $eing o#t of %ontro! any more than 9 do.
*1!ease&, 9 p!ead with him.
The two of them shift into the ne(t !ine& and 9 g!an%e at them to make s#re they aren<t
to#%hing. 9f 9 get them o#t of here safe!y& they %an to#%h a!! they want& $#t now<s not the time.
Ha%o$<s ga?e is sti!! !o%ked on me. >hat am 9 going to do if he never !ooks away@ Or worse&
if "athan shows #p. $here is Nathan7
9 g!an%e aro#nd and spot Binny ho!ding a !itt!e one. They<re ne(t in !ine at the first station.
She !o%ks eyes with me and gives me a nod that seems to $e meant as ass#ran%e. 9 don<t
#nderstand. +er fa%e is so grave& 9 %an<t he!p $#t ass#me there<s a severe meaning.
9 wat%h as she %!im$s the steps onto the p!atform and then something #n$e!ieva$!e and
#tter!y %onf#sing happens. She pin%hes the todd!er on the $a%k of his $are arm and he instant!y
$egins to s%ream and ki%k his !egs. +is foot hits the s%an operator in the head& and the operator
stands to %onfront Binny.
Ha%o$ and every$ody e!se who seems at a!! *in %harge, o#t here t#rn to the dist#r$an%e and
most of them head that dire%tion as it seems to have t#rned into a s%#ff!e $etween Binny'
todd!er sti!! in tow'and the te%hni%ian.
9 take the opport#nity sin%e no one seems to $e wat%hing. 9 gra$ 0y!an and A!yssa $y the
arms and p#sh them toward the tr#%k. *R#nC,
The three of #s take off and 9 open the driver door of the %a$ and !et the two of them %raw!
in $efore 9 %!im$ #p $ehind them. 9 p#!! the door %!osed and try to find the keys& hoping the
driver !eft them in the %a$. 9 %he%k the ignition& the visor& the %#p ho!der. 9 %an<t find them. +ow
did 9 not %onsider this f!aw in my p!an@
Two hands s!am into my door& and 9 =#mp& gra$$ing the door hand!e to ho!d it %!osed. 9 !ook
to see who<s %a#ght #s and am $!indsided to find it<s Tit#s. +e !ooks desperate. 9<m so st#nned& 9
!et him open the door. 9 see the driver from o#r %onvoy kno%ked o#t on the gro#nd $ehind him.
Tit#s =ing!es the keys at me. *S!ide over.,
9 don<t hesitate to !et him in. +e %ranks the engine and revs the gas& whi%h 9 noti%e is on the
right. The !eft m#st $e the $rake. +e s%ans his finger on the %ontro! pane! and p#n%hes a series of
keys. +e !ooks at the gate& $#t nothing happens. +e %#rses #nder his $reath. *9t<s !o%ked down.
9<m sorry.,
*Ao#<re the $rea%h&, 0y!an a%%#ses Tit#s.
Tit#s nods. *Ao#<re going to have to do it yo#rse!f&, he te!!s me !ooking intense!y into my
eyes. *1 means park& 0 means drive& R means reverse. 0on<t #se ". .y %ode is 552:37M.,
*Okay&, 9 say& with a trem$!e growing from within and appearing as a )#iver in my $ottom
!ip.
Tit#s kisses me on the forehead and =#mps o#t of the %a$ !eaving the door hanging open.
1eop!e =#st %an<t seem to stop to#%hing me& $#t my heart sti!! h#rts wat%hing him go. 9 s!ide into
the driver seat.
Tit#s r#ns to the man#a! %ontro! pane! on the gate and p#n%hes his %odes. The gate $egins to
open and 9 sho#t to him& hoping he %an make it with #s after a!!. +is eyes meet mine $#t he<s
fro?en sti!!. +e mo#ths *go, and 9 fina!!y noti%e the $!ood sp!ot%h on his %hest.
9 vag#e!y hear myse!f s%reaming as 0y!an rea%hes a%ross me and p#!!s the door sh#t. 9 try to
p#!! the tr#%k into drive $#t 9 %an<t move the !ever. 9 p#sh the $rake and try again& and it shifts. 9
hit the gas and f!y thro#gh the gate as a so!dier tries to %!ose it& $#t we make it thro#gh. 9n the
side mirror 9 see a handf#! of so!diers %hasing #s& $#t they fa!! $ehind.
>e trave! thro#gh the wide open spa%e& and more than ha!fway thro#gh 9 see a tr#%k
approa%hing #s from the perimeter. 9n the %a$& a sho%ked "athan p#!!s a weapon at the !ast
se%ond and he fires a shot right $efore we pass them'$#t he misses me. >e<re a!most to the
$order.
9 rea%h #p and p#n%h in Tit#s<s %ode& 552:37M. Another %ar %omes thro#gh the porta! on the
right of a po!e so 9 have no %hoi%e $#t go !eft. And 9 hope it works.
B#!!ets hit the tr#%k from a!! aro#nd& pro$a$!y from the towers. 9 ye!! as 9 drive thro#gh the
opening& #ns%athed.
*Bet down., 9 g!an%e over at 0y!an whose hand is %overed in $!ood and pressed against
A!yssa<s ne%k. .y heart sinks. That shot was meant for me.
"ot !ong after the perimeter& we enter the woods& whi%h get dense rea!!y )#i%k!y and the
tr#%k s!ams into a tree.
*Can yo# %arry her@, 9 ask& desperate!y.
*She<s gone&, 0y!an says& fighting $a%k tears. 9 kiss A!yssa<s hand and =#mp o#t of the %a$
hoping 0y!an wi!! fo!!ow. 9 r#n deeper and deeper into the woods and hear 0y!an<s heavy
footsteps %!ose $ehind.
Rif!es shoot re!ent!ess!y in o#r dire%tion and 9 hear men $arking orders somewhere $ehind
#s.
*>e<re not going to make it&, 9 %ry o#t.
*R#n faster., 0y!an passes me and $egins to !ead the way& and for a h#ge g#y he<s
s#rprising!y )#i%k on his feet. +e =#mps $#shes and fa!!en !im$s& and dodges trees. +e %hanges
dire%tion severa! times& and 9 manage to keep #p& trying my $est to fo!!ow his steps e(a%t!y.
>e r#n& d#%k& dive& dart. 9 try to %o#nt #p the ho#rs it<s $een sin%e 9<ve he!d food down as 9
fee! the fatig#e $eginning to overtake the adrena!ine. 0y!an& however& shows no sign of fatig#e&
nor emotion. +e<s a ma%hine.
9 fo%#s on 0y!an<s feet& whi%h $egin to s!ow some time !ater. *>e %an<t stop&, 9 $reathe o#t.
*That way&, he points the other dire%tion and 9 take the !ead& having no idea what he saw
that made him want to %hange %o#rse. 9 see a $reak in the trees #p ahead and r#n f#!! speed
toward it.
*>oah& woah&, 0y!an says& and he gra$s my sho#!der. +e !ooks %a#tio#s!y at the %!earing&
whi%h 9 rea!i?e is a street. >e !ook $oth ways and see nothing. 9 s)#int to see into the woods on
the other side of it& and it !ooks %!ear. *Okay.,
9 take a tentative step toward the street& and hear a %!i%k $eneath my foot. *Stop&, 0y!an
hisses& too !ate& as 9 retra%t my !eg.
A pie%e of meta! f!ies o#t of the gro#nd and spins in the air& a $!#e !aser spinning with it.
The !aser stops on my %hest and the %h#nk sp!its in ha!f& the !arger pie%e f!ying at me and what<s
!eft fa!!ing to the gro#nd.
>hen the devi%e s!ams into my torso& 9 fee! my skin $reaking as the devi%e atta%hes itse!f&
then an a%idi%& $#rning sensation pipes in and $!#rs my vision.
9 sway #nder the %hemi%a!!y ind#%ed weight and sense the pavement getting %!ose to my
fa%e. 0y!an<s arms %at%h me $efore the $!a%kness takes me #nder.
Chapter Ten
The air is heavy. .y %!othes and hair are damp. The a%he in my head is so strong& my
temp!es thro$& and there<s press#re $ehind my eyes. A shiver is sett!ed in my ri$%age and fee!s
!ike it<s $een there a whi!e. A warm hand r#$s my arm& and my eyes pop open. >hat at first is a
$!#r $e%omes 0y!an<s fa%e dire%t!y in front of mine. .y senses s!ow!y %ome $a%k and 9 rea!i?e
his arms are wrapped aro#nd me. .ere in%hes separate #s& and we<re !ying down ... together.
9 shy away $#t $#mp into something. 9 p#t my hand on his %hest to p#sh him from me& $#t
he doesn<t $#dge. 9<m %onstri%ted'there<s no room to move.
*Shh&, he whispers as he tries to restrain me. +e<s p#re strength& yet he doesn<t h#rt me.
9 rea%h a!! aro#nd and there<s nothing $#t wa!!s& $o#ndaries. 9 trem$!e harder now. There<s
on!y a faint !ight so 9 %an<t make o#t where we are. .y hand ret#rns to 0y!an<s $are %hest.
*>here<s yo#r shirt@, 9 ask& trying to keep myse!f %a!m.
*Shh&, he whispers again. *>e<re okay. >e have to keep )#iet.,
9<m sti!! shaking. *>here are we@,
+e !ooks aro#nd. *A ho!!owed;o#t tree.,
9 rea%h $ehind me and drag my fingers a%ross the ro#gh wood. 9 %!ose my eyes to keep from
fee!ing %!a#stropho$i%. As 9 fo%#s on the pitter;patter of rain o#tside o#r hiding p!a%e& 9 $reathe
in and o#t& for%ing myse!f into a rhythm. As the rain s!ows& 9 open my eyes again.
*+ow are yo# fee!ing@,
*>here<s yo#r shirt@, 9 ask& again %at%hing myse!f with my hand on his %hest& most!y to
maintain the distan%e $etween #s. +is skin is smooth and his m#s%!e tone remarka$!e. 9 %an<t
he!p $#t admire his physi)#e. 9<ve never seen an #ndressed ma!e #p %!ose. And 9<ve %ertain!y
never to#%hed one.
*Ao#<re wearing it.,
*>hat@, 9 !ook down and %onfirm his statement. *>here<s my shirt@, 9 ask& s#dden!y
fee!ing a deep $!#sh %oming on.
*9 had to get the $ot off yo#.,
.y hand darts to my %hest& fee!ing for the ma%hine. >aking #p !ike this with 0y!an in my
fa%e& 9<d forgotten a!! a$o#t it. *>here is it@ >hat happened@, 9 ask& a !itt!e pani%ky.
*9 removed and dea%tivated it. 9 had to get the shirt off to %he%k o#t the p#n%t#re wo#nds.
They<re not too deep.,
+e took off my shirt.
9nse%#rity as 9<ve never known it sweeps over me& and my %heeks $#rn red. 9 %an<t te!! if the
pain in my %hest is from an(iety or from the wo#nds.
Then something dawns on me. 9 to#%h my %hest again& $eyond re!ieved when 9 fee! the
st#pid $ra sti!! there. &e didnt see anything. 9f 9 ever see Binny again& 9<!! have to thank her.
B#t 9<!! never see Binny again. 9<!! never see a !ot of peop!e again. A %o!d pain pri%ks my
heart for A!yssa and Tit#s. 9 %an<t seem to fo%#s on whi%h one 9<m more distra#ght over& not that
%hoosing wo#!d make things easier. Two more not%hes in my $e!t'the death to!!.
*They<re gone $e%a#se of me. 9 got them ki!!ed&, 9 m#m$!e. *Twig& too., The three are proof
that 9 sho#!dn<t !et peop!e %!ose.
One of 0y!an<s arms is sti!! wrapped aro#nd me& s#pporting my ne%k. +is free hand moves
toward my fa%e& $#t he stops himse!f $efore making %onta%t. At !east he tries not to to#%h me.
*6isten to me. "athan is responsi$!e for their deaths. "ot yo#.,
9 %an<t $ring myse!f to meet his eyes even tho#gh 9 fee! his ga?e. +e %an<t possi$!y mean
that.
*9<m sorry& 0y!an&, 9 for%e o#t& fighting off tears. *9<m sorry a$o#t A!yssa., +e sho#!d hate
me.
*9<m sorry& too., +ow %o#!d he $e so kind@ 9 go $a%k and forth over what 9 sho#!d say& if
there<s anything 9 even %o#!d say& $#t he $eats me to the p#n%h& kno%king me %omp!ete!y off
g#ard. *>ho are yo# %rying for@, he asks.
*>hat@, 9 didn<t rea!i?e 9 was %rying.
*Tit#s@,
9 %an<t hide the pain the mention of his name %a#ses& $#t I don<t even #nderstand it. Tit#s
and 9 were $are!y friends& $#t there was something in him 9 fe!t %onne%ted to. Besides 0y!an he
was the on!y person who saw me. And here<s 0y!an seeing me now'seeing me fa!!ing apart
when 9<m s#pposed to $e strong. 9 was supposed to $e the one with the p!an& the grand es%ape to
save my friends.
9 fai!ed.
9 don<t even try to stop the tears. They fa!! on their own vo!ition.
0y!an<s $ody tenses and his fa%e %ontorts'it !ooks !ike pain. +is hand hovers over my
sho#!der and 9 !ean away from him and %over my fa%e& preferring to s#ffer a!one even tho#gh
that isn<t an option in these tight )#arters. +is hand !ands firm!y on my sho#!der and his voi%e
)#ivers& *1!ease., 9 meet his eyes& trem$!ing.
*1!ease& what@, 9 ask thro#gh a so$.
*6et me %omfort yo#.,
Before 9 %an p#t #p a fight& a sigh es%apes me& and 0y!an p#!!s me into the warmest em$ra%e
9<ve ever fe!t in my !ife'not that 9<ve had many. +is hand %#ps the $a%k of my head as 9 so$ into
his ne%k. +e ro%ks me $a%k and forth& s)#ee?ing me so tight!y it a!most h#rts.
>hen 9<ve fina!!y %ried a!! 9 %an& 9 p#!! $a%k to $reathe. A voi%e in my head s%reams for him
to !et go& $#t 9 sense this moment isn<t =#st a$o#t me. 9 don<t know what he<s thinking& $#t 0y!an
m#st $e grieving& too& so 9 try my hardest not to h#rt him.
*9 saw her h#g yo#. 9f they had s%anned me& they wo#!d have seen it. 9 was trying to save
her. 9 was trying to save yo# $oth., 9<m ram$!ing& $#t 9 %an<t stand the si!en%e when it<s so !o#d
inside my head.
*She sho#!dn<t have done that.,
*9 #sed to imagine yo# on the o#tside&, 9 whisper. The %orner of his mo#th t#rns #pward.
*The two of yo#., The smi!e disappears.
*9 #sed to pi%t#re me on the o#tside& too. B#t not with her., 9 meet his eyes& start!ed $y the
intensity there. >hy is he $eing so %rypti%@ *>hen yo# #sed to ta!k a$o#t es%aping&, he says&
p#shing my messy $angs from my fa%e& *9 a!ways wanted to go with yo#.,
*>hy didn<t yo# te!! me@, 9 ask& $aff!ed. 9t<s #nimagina$!e. 0y!an was a!ways my ena$!er&
$#t 9 tho#ght he mere!y to!erated me& that he was happy in Anti#s. 9 %o#!dn<t imagine him
wanting to !eave.
*Ao# were so $ent on $eing on yo#r own. Feeping me at a distan%e&, he says. 9 try to !ook
away& $#t there<s nowhere to t#rn. *And for some insane reason& yo# fi!!ed yo#r head with this
fantasy a$o#t me and A!yssa. B#t 9<ve spent years wanting nothing more than to =#mp that fen%e
with you.,
This is not tr#e'it %an<t $e. 0y!an<s my $est friend& $#t 0y!an !oving A!yssa is what kept
me safe with him. 9 knew 0y!an %ared a$o#t me& $#t 9 needed to $e!ieve he wo#!d $e fine
witho#t me. 9 was =#st #sing him& wasn<t 9@ Be%a#se he %o#!d he!p me es%ape@ 9sn<t that why we
were friends@
*She was %ra?y a$o#t yo#.,
+e takes a !ong& steady $reath. *9<m sorry she<s gone& $#t 9<m %ra?y a$o#t you. 9 have $een
a!! a!ong.,
9 fina!!y meet his eyes& ready to %a!! his $!#ff& and then his !ips are on mine& soft and hard at
the same time. A gent!e to#%h with intense passion %om$ined in one sma!! gest#re. And he
fee!s ... fragi!e ... $#t no !ess strong. "o amo#nt of poems or stories %o#!d have prepared me for
0y!an<s !ips against mine. +is warmth is a!! the poetry 9 %o#!d ever stand to know. B#t 9 don<t
want this. 9 didn<t ask for it.
This is Dylan, 9 think. 9 start to p#!! away $#t he r#ns his hand a%ross my fa%e& gra?ing my
%heek$one as his fingers s!ide thro#gh my hair and sett!e at the nape of my ne%k. +e g!ides his
th#m$ $a%k and forth on my =aw. 9t<s gent!er than 9 wo#!d have tho#ght he %o#!d $e. The to#%h
of his fingers on my skin para!y?es me& and 9 don<t stop him !ike 9 sho#!d.
>hen his !ips re!ease me& his em$ra%e $e%omes even tighter than $efore. The press#re h#rts
my %hest& and 9 rea!i?e it m#st $e the wo#nds.
*Ow&, 9 manage& $efore darting my hand prote%tive!y to my %hest. +e instant!y !oosens his
ho!d.
+is shaky hand hovers over my %hest& $#t doesn<t to#%h. *9<m sorry., +is $reath st#tters o#t
as tho#gh he<s free?ing %o!d. 9s he nervo#s !ike me@
*9<m okay., 9 %an<t make sense of what 9<m fee!ing. 9 want to %raw! o#t of this tiny prison
and r#n far away to #ntang!e a!! this %onf#sion. *9 need o#t., 9 $egin to s%ram$!e toward the
opening.
*>ait., 9 rea!i?e his who!e $ody<s trem$!ing& not =#st his hands. *>e %an<t go yet.,
*The rain<s %!earing #p. 9 fee! fine now. >e %an keep moving.,
*9t<s not yo#&, he says& shaki!y.
*>hat<s wrong@, 9 wonder if he was in=#red in the es%ape.
*>ithdrawa!s. 9 fee! it&, he te!!s me.
*>hat do yo# mean@,
*.y $ody has to a%%!imate to $eing off the meds. 9 a!ready have a fever& and 9<m pro$a$!y
going to shake more. 0on<t freak o#t on me& we =#st have to wait it o#t.,
*+ow do yo# know a!! this@, 9<m a $it taken a$a%k. This admiration $#siness has got to stop.
9f on!y he were !ess impressive. B#t if he were !ess impressive& wo#!d 9 have $een drawn to his
friendship to $egin with@
*Ao# think yo#<re the on!y one who sneaks aro#nd with an e!e%troni% $ook@, +e grins& and
even tho#gh he<s %overed in sweat& there<s something so %harming a$o#t him. +ave 9 never
noti%ed@
+is %hattering teeth are perfe%t& and those aren<t the on!y things. +is =aw is =#st mas%#!ine
eno#gh& $#t doesn<t have harsh ang!es. Even the shape of his !ips is attra%tive. +e<s a perfe%t
e(amp!e of what san%tioned pro%reation is %apa$!e of'perhaps the on!y arg#ment in favor of the
atro%io#s pra%ti%e. 9<d $et his mother was $reathtaking.
9 noti%e sweat dripping down his ne%k& and his $ottom !ip )#ivers. /or another ha!f ho#r& 9
wat%h him in si!en%e #nti! his entire $ody is trem$!ing.
*>hat %an 9 do@, 9 r#$ his arm& ret#rning the gest#re he<d given me& $#t knowing it<s
pro$a$!y not making any differen%e.
Thro#gh %hattering teeth& he says& *>ater.,
*>e %an<t. >hat if it<s %ontaminated@ +ow wi!! 9 know@,
*9 g#ess ... we<!! have to ... r;risk it&, he strains to say. *B;$e %aref#!. They<re pro$a$!y
%!ose.,
As 9 shimmy #pward& 0y!an<s trem$!ing hand s!ides down my side& my hip& my !eg& #nti!
9<m ha!fway past him and a%%identa!!y knee him in the %hin.
*9<m so sorry&, 9 whisper& $#t he doesn<t respond.
On%e 9<m past him& 9<m a$!e to %raw! on my $e!!y instead of my side. Right $efore the
opening& 9 pa#se to !isten. .y hand sett!es on torn fa$ri%& whi%h 9 rea!i?e is my shredded #p shirt.
There<s $!ood on a !ot of it& $#t 9 gra$ ho!d of a %!ean pie%e and $ring it with me.
O#tside the tree& 9 enter a thi%k $r#sh that<s soaked from a re%ent downpo#r. Sti!! on my
knees& 9 dip my head to the moist earth and inha!e. 9<m not s#re what to(i% rainwater wo#!d sme!!
!ike& $#t 9 know what %!ean sme!!s !ike& so hopef#!!y 9 %an te!! the differen%e.
9 don<t sme!! anything. H#st dirt. 9 %raw! farther from o#r tree t#nne!& and as 9 get free of the
thi%k $r#sh& 9 stand #p in a sma!! %!earing. The tree is a great hiding p!a%e& a!most %omp!ete!y
hidden $y fresh& spring fo!iage.
9 !isten to the air& hoping 9 might hear a stream or %reek& whi%h 9 don<t. Afraid to stray too
far& 9 dire%t my attention to the trees and shr#$s s#rro#nding me. 9 find a !arge !eaf with drop!ets
resting on the s#rfa%e. 9 sniff the water& %aref#! not to kno%k it off.
9t sme!!s %!ean. 9 gent!y !ift the !eaf toward my mo#th and take a deep $reath. 9 have to test
it. 9 tip the !eaf toward my mo#th and a!!ow the drops to fa!! onto my tong#e. 9 s)#ee?e my eyes
sh#t whi!e 9 assess.
/ive deep inha!es and five !ong e(ha!es pass $efore 9 rea!i?e nothing has happened& nor
%o#!d 9 taste anything a$norma!. B#t what if 9<m imm#ne@ That doesn<t mean 9 wo#!dn<t taste it&
right@
9 drink off of severa! more !eaves $efore 9 de%ide the water seems safe& and there<s on!y one
thing !eft to do. Bet it to 0y!an. B#t 9 have no idea how'9 didn<t e(a%t!y $ring a %#p. 9 p#!! the
fa$ri% s%rap from my $a%k po%ket. 9f 9 %an find a stream& 9 %an sat#rate it and s)#ee?e the water
into 0y!an<s mo#th.
9 step toward a %!earing when 9 hear a noise a%ross the way. .y heart ki%ks #p& and 9 f!y
toward the $r#sh. 9 drop the fa$ri% as my foot s!ips in a p#dd!e& kno%king me off $a!an%e. 9
re%over swift!y and keep moving when it dawns on me'if they find the fa$ri%& they<!! know
we<re %!ose.
9 t#rn $a%k and drop to my knees to re%over the s%rap& whi%h has fa!!en in the p#dd!e. 9 =og
$a%k as )#iet!y as 9 %an. >hen 9 rea%h the $#shes& 9 %raw! on my hands and knees& the shirt sti!!
%!#t%hed in my fist.
.en<s voi%es and footsteps fo!!ow me as 9 grow nearer the tree<s opening. .y heart ra%es
whi!e they get %!oser and %!oser& as if they know right where 9 am. 9<m g!ad 9 gra$$ed the shirt&
$e%a#se they wa!ked right over that p#dd!e.
As 9<m a$o#t to %raw! inside the tree& a voi%e %a!!s o#t& *>ait&, and it<s dangero#s!y %!ose to
me. A!! the men stop. *9 heard movement&, he says.
*There are si( of #s& sir&, a so!dier te!!s him. 9 %an te!! a so!dier when 9 hear one.
9<m fro?en sti!!& hoping my $reathing isn<t as !o#d to them as it is to me.
*9t was over here&, Sir says. +e<s so %!ose. +is footsteps fa!! even %!oser now.
*9<!! he!p yo# !ook&, the same so!dier %a!!s and stomps over. +eavy arms s!ash thro#gh the
shr#$s aro#nd me& and if 9 stay p#t& he<!! %at%h me. 9 make the move and !eaves %rink!e #nder my
knees. 9 %raw! inside& far eno#gh that 9 %an p#!! my feet away from the !ight near the mo#th.
6ooking over my sho#!der& 9 see the !eaves $eing =ost!ed. B#t 9 don<t see any fa%es& and 9
don<t hear any eviden%e that 9<m %a#ght.
9 e(ha!e )#iet!y.
The men %ontin#e wa!king and sear%hing a!! aro#nd #s& $#t they don<t find #s.
>hen 9 sense the men are at !east a few yards away& 9 s!ide in the rest of the way to where
0y!an is. +e<s sti!! trem$!ing and %overed in sweat.
9 to#%h his fa%e $#t he doesn<t open his eyes. 9 draw the soaked %!oth toward his mo#th.
Tho#gh 9 %an<t know for s#re that it<s safe& he needs it.
9 for%e the %!oth $etween his !ips and s)#ee?e the p#dd!e water into his mo#th. 9t doesn<t
seem !ike eno#gh to make a differen%e& $#t 9 %an<t go $a%k. "ot now& with "athan<s men
%raw!ing aro#nd !ooking for me.
>hy wo#!d they %ome after me@ 9<m =#st one gir!. >hat are they so worried a$o#t@ The
odds are greater that 9<!! die in the wi!derness than do anything that %o#!d possi$!y matter to
them.
9 !ay the %!oth on 0y!an<s forehead& not s#re what e!se to do. After a moment& the area grows
)#iet& so 9 sett!e $a%k in $eside him. A!! 9 %an do is da$ the sweat off his fa%e and wait.
*1!ease wake #p., 9 think a$o#t a!! the years 9 dreamed of this es%ape. 9 !a#gh inside myse!f
at the grande#r 9 e(pe%ted to a%%ompany s#%h a feat. And to think 9 imagined doing a!! this a!one
'one gir! against the wor!d. >ho 9 tho#ght 9 was& 9 don<t know& $#t what 9 was& simp!e4 naive.
9t takes on!y a moment to rea!i?e how g!ad 9 am that 0y!an<s with me'and right now *with
me, is a rather !oose interpretation'and how $ad!y 9 need him. 9 shake my head at the word
need. 9 don<t want to need anyone. .ay$e 9 don<t. 9f he ever wakes #p& the %ompany wi!! $e ni%e&
$#t %ertain!y not ne%essary.
>ho knows& may$e he<!! even s!ow me down.
"o& 9<m pretty s#re he saved my !ife today.
Its okay. This is going to $e okay. 9 =#st have to set some $o#ndaries. 0y!an is my friend& so
he wi!! respe%t my fee!ings. 9 wi!! thank him for saving me& and then 9 wi!! kind!y ask him to
keep his hands'and !ips'to himse!f. 9<m si%k and tired of $eing to#%hed. /irst "athan and
Tit#s& now 0y!an.
9t<!! $e fine. 9 =#st have to wake him #p.
Over the ne(t ha!f ho#r& his $ody shakes progressive!y harder. 9<m terrified and hate that 9
don<t know how to he!p. >hen the ta$!es were t#rned& he knew e(a%t!y what to do. 9<d give
anything to ret#rn the favor.
+e<s %overed in sweat& and even tho#gh he<s shaking& 9 fee! the heavy th#d of his rapid
heart$eat. +is fists are %!en%hed in front of his %hest. 9 gra$ them& p!eading in my mind for him to
snap o#t of it.
As 0y!an<s !a$ored $reaths fa!! against my %heek& 9 know with %ertainty that 9 %annot !ose
another friend. 9<ve got to fig#re something o#t& and 9 think it means going o#t for more water.
E E E
9t<s $een at !east an ho#r sin%e 9 heard "athan<s men. 9 have to ass#me the %oast is %!ear. B#t
=#st $e%a#se 9 %an<t hear them& doesn<t mean they %an<t hear me.
9 %raw! o#t of the ho!e& %aref#!!y& trying to stay as )#iet as possi$!e. 9<ve got the damp rag in
hand. 9t<s sti!! my $est means of %arrying water.
>hen 9<m o#t of the $r#sh& 9 stand and take inventory of my s#rro#ndings. The o$vio#s
things4 trees& $r#sh& nat#ra! de$ris& a p#dd!e. The important thing4 no so!diers.
9 s%o#r the gro#nd& tho#gh 9<m not s#re what 9<m !ooking for yet. 9 spot a pie%e of wood and
knee! $eside it. 9t<s a s%rap of tree $ark with a s#$t!e %#rve to it. 9f 9 %o#!d find one that %#rves
=#st a !itt!e $it more& it %o#!d ho!d water.
9 wa!k farther& now with a $etter idea what 9<m !ooking for. 9 p#sh some wood o#t from
#nder dirt with the toe of my $oot. 9t<s no good.
After a$o#t ten min#tes& 9 see a m#%h !arger poo! of water'!arger than 9<ve ever seen
$efore. .ay$e this is a pond. 9 st#ff the %!oth in my po%ket and drop to my knees. "ow<s as good
a time as any for me to drink #p.
To say the water tastes good wo#!d $e a $!atant !ie& $#t it )#en%hes my thirst. 9 hadn<t even
rea!i?ed 9 was thirstyD 9 was too $#sy worrying a$o#t 0y!an.
After drinking as m#%h as 9 %an $efore my stoma%h %ramps& 9 s%an the pond<s edges for
anything 9 %o#!d #se. 9f he was %ons%io#s& 9 %o#!d =#st $ring him here. B#t that<s o#t of the
)#estion.
9 s!am my fist on the m#ddy gro#nd and groan #nder my $reath. Think. 9 a!!ow my eyes to
%!ose for a moment& and 9 rea!i?e the on!y option 9 have& an idea disg#sting even to me.
9 shift my weight so 9<m sitting on my hee! whi!e 9 prop my other !eg in front of me and
#ntie my $oot !a%es. 9t won<t ho!d m#%h& $#t it<s my $est shot. 9 take a whiff of the $oot and even
tho#gh it doesn<t rea!!y sme!!& 9 sti!! %ringe.
>itho#t another tho#ght& 9 d#nk the $oot and fi!! it then get to my feet and ho$$!e $a%k to
0y!an. After a few yards 9 rea!i?e 9<ve forgotten to stay vigi!ant. >hen 9 see !eaves =ost!ing
severa! yards in front of me& 9 free?e.
A man<s hand p#shes thro#gh& and 9 spin on my $are hee! to hide $ehind a tree. .y hands
trem$!ing as 9 %!#t%h the $oot& a sp!ash of water $o#n%es off the edge and spi!!s onto the gro#nd&
making a s!apping so#nd.
9 $ite my !ip& hoping the so#nd was !ost on the man near$y.
A voi%e %a!!s o#t& *9t<!! $e dark soon. >e<!! need a fire.,
Another responds& his voi%e gr#ff& *0o it now. Every$ody e!se& keep !ooking.,
9 peek aro#nd the tree and see two of them dangero#s!y %!ose to 0y!an<s hiding p!a%e. One is
on!y a foot away from the fa!!en tree. .y heart $egins to ra%e faster and 9 pray he doesn<t make
any noise. 9 press the $a%k of my head against the tree. "o one<s getting any %!oser to me&
thankf#!!y& so 9<!! =#st have to wait them o#t.
>hen 9 !ook again& the ta!!er one has %!im$ed atop the tree with 0y!an inside. +e seems to
$e seeking higher gro#nd. +e takes a step to his right& whi%h 9 estimate to $e very %!ose to
0y!an<s feet.
The ta!! man shifts his weight and the rotten wood gives. +is !eg fa!!s thro#gh& and he ye!ps
in pain& trying to regain his $a!an%e& his hands spraw!ed a%ross the enormo#s tree. +is %ohort
he!ps him p#!! his !eg free& and they st#m$!e away from 0y!an.
A heavy e(ha!e es%apes me& and 9 s!ap my hand over my mo#th.
*9diots&, the gr#ff one says& standing with a hand in his po%ket and the other on his g#n.
9 g!an%e at what !itt!e rays of s#n!ight remain. The nights are sti!! %o!d& and 0y!an and 9 $oth
are hard!y %!othed for %o!d. Espe%ia!!y 0y!an& shirt!ess and a!one. +e<!! free?e tonight if 9 don<t
get to him.
9t so#nds !ike the idiots are making a fire. 9 hear a f!#rry of footsteps and wonder where the
others are. .ay$e they<ve %a#ght #p& and if so that<s more potentia! eyes to spot me. 9 %an<t risk
taking another !ook #nti! it<s dark.
9 stand fro?en for at !east another ho#r $efore 9<m satisfied it<s dark eno#gh. 9 peek aro#nd
and find si( men aro#nd the fire& whi%h was $#i!t in the %enter of a %!earing near 0y!an<s tree.
Three of them are sti!! eating& the other two are on their $a%ks& pres#ma$!y s!eeping.
There<s a soft h#m of voi%es from the ones eating& $#t 9 %an<t make anything o#t. 9 %ro#%h
for a moment to wat%h them. 9 need to stay !ow& $!end with the darkness.
The o!der one tips a %an #pside down and s!#rps the !ast $its of food. +e tosses the %an my
dire%tion f!ippant!y. 9 take the opport#nity to move& timing my footsteps with the r#st!ing of his
trash& then pa#se again. This wi!! take an eternity.
The gr#ff one& who 9 rea!i?e is in %harge& #n?ips the s!eeping $ag he<d $een !aying on and
%raw!s inside.
The $ig g#y fo!!ows s#it $#t makes )#ite a $it more noiseD he<s %!#msy. 9 move again. 9 stop
again.
Sti!! %ro#%hing& my !egs are on fire. 9 stay !ike this for another !ong whi!e& $#t 9 %an<t do it
m#%h !onger. The ne(t time there<s a noise& 9 sit down. 9<!! =#st wait #nti! they<re a!! as!eep. 9
hope they a!! s!eep tonight.
9 !ean my head against a tree and stare at the sky& wondering what the other side of that wa!!
of %!o#ds !ooks !ike. Are there stars@ 9s there a moon@ 9 !ike to imagine the #niverse is inta%t and
on!y o#r !itt!e wor!d is in sham$!es.
9 wonder.
Chapter Eleven
9 fee! a pin%h on my %heek and swat at it. 9t stings a !itt!e at first& and then more. .y eyes
f!#tter open& with a heavy ha?e o$s%#ring my vision. 9 to#%h my %heek and fee! something sma!!
there. 9 gra$ the thing and for%e my eyes to fo%#s on it ... an inse%t. 9 have no idea what kind $#t
it<s $!a%k& with a sort of she!! for a $a%k.
9t pin%hes my finger and 9 toss it on the gro#nd. The stinging in my fa%e grows more painf#!&
and 9 rea!i?e 9<m sitting in the wi!derness in the midd!e of the night. 9 !ook over my sho#!der at
the s!eeping so!diers.
9 have no way of knowing how !ong 9<ve $een o#t& $#t !#%ki!y 9 haven<t !et the $oot tip over.
A !ot of the water has !eaked o#t& tho#gh.
9 pi%k #p a sma!! pie%e of wood and toss it severa! yards& then !ook at the men again. "o one
moves.
Caref#!!y& 9 get to my feet& ho!ding one arm o#t to steady myse!f. 9 grip the $oot with the
other hand& ho!ding it away from my $ody.
9 keep my eyes g!#ed to the gr#ff one& the $oss. 9 %an<t make o#t his fa%e& $#t he seems
fami!iar somehow. 9 take a step& and wat%h. Then another and another& #nti! 9<m mere yards from
the tree& $#t 9<m going to have to %ome o#t into the %!earing to get there. The idea of standing in
the open right ne(t to a!! these men that are h#nting me seems idioti%.
One of them starts to stir& $#t 9 %an<t te!! if his eyes are open or if he<s simp!y tossing in his
s!eep. +e !ets o#t a snort and a h#ff and 9 take another step. 9<m sti!! near the tree !ine& $#t
nothing<s $etween him and me.
Another starts #p& possi$!y awakened $y the other& and 9 rea!i?e 9<m not going to make it a!!
the way to the mo#th of the tree. 9 rea%h o#t and to#%h the $ark with my %a!f. 9<m right there&
to#%hing the tree that 0y!an<s inside& $#t 9<m at the wrong end. And getting to the other end
means getting %!oser to the s!eeping dogs.
A third man shifts in his s!eeping $ag& making a !o#d r#st!ing so#nd. 9<m a!most %a#ght& 9
=#st know it. S#dden!y& he sma%ks his own fa%e and ye!!s& *Ow., +e throws something away
from him& and 9 think may$e the hard $#g got him too.
+e sits #p. 9<m r#nning o#t of options& $#t 9 free?e. 9t<s dark& may$e he %an<t see me. +e
f#m$!es for something& patting the gro#nd.
9 !ook $a%k at the tree and see the ho!e the %!#msy one madeD it !ooks !arge eno#gh for me to
s)#ee?e thro#gh. 9 set the $oot on the tree and %!im$ as )#iet!y as 9 %an. 9 %raw! #p the $ark
toward the ho!e& sh#ff!ing the $oot a!ong with me.
9 keep my eyes on the so!dier. +e<s sti!! trying to find something& and from what 9 %an te!!&
he sti!! doesn<t see me. Then his head darts my dire%tion and 9 free?e& %ertain 9<m %a#ght. 9 start
preparing myse!f to r#n& tensing a!! my m#s%!es& $#t he doesn<t %ome after me. 9nstead& he keeps
patting aro#nd.
9 make it to the ho!e and !ower my feet in& then my hips and midse%tion. >hen my sho#!ders
don<t fit thro#gh& 9 rea!i?e 9<m going to make noise. There<s nowhere to go $#t in. As the first
rays of the morning s#n peep thro#gh the %!o#d$ank& 9<m o#t of time.
9 press on a pie%e of $ark and it $reaks& getting the man<s attention again. 9 s!ip $oth arms
and the $oot inside the tree and !ook at him one !ast time to see him s!ip on a pair of g!asses.
9 t#%k my head inside $efore he %an !ook my way again. At !east 9 think so.
9 $a%k away from the opening as )#iet!y as 9 %an. The $ite on my %heek has progressed to
$#rningD 9 to#%h it with my fingertips and fee! swe!!ing. 6reat, to9ic bugs. 9f it<s h#rting me&
may$e it<s h#rting the g#ard& too. .ay$e he won<t %ome after me.
Apparent!y 9<m wrong& $e%a#se 9 hear footsteps on the other side of a thin& rotten !ayer of
tree $ark. 9<m %omp!ete!y sti!!& trying to )#iet my $reathing $#t it<s no #se. So 9 ho!d my $reath'
9 have to take %ontro! of my $ody. 9 imagine a f!at tire and how s!ow!y it !oses air. 9 part my !ips
and !et the air seep o#t& imagining my !#ngs are the tire. A !ong& s!ow re!ease. 9 inha!e the same
way& s!ow!y& then e(ha!e again. 9 fee! my $ody re!a( and my $reathing )#iets down.
+is feet move away& and 9 re!ease a soft sigh. The man gr#m$!es something and sh#ff!es
aro#nd in his s!eeping $ag& hopef#!!y going $a%k to s!eep. B#t 9<m not s#re.
9 !ook #p and a!!ow my eyes to fo%#s on 0y!an in the darkness. +e<s somehow shifted to his
$a%k& so at !east he<s not %omp!ete!y gone.
9 move the $oot ahead and %raw! toward 0y!an<s feet& passing the ho!e again. There<s not
room for me on either side of him& so 9<m for%ed to %raw! on top of him. One of his !egs %omes
straight down the t#nne!& and the other !ies off to the side a !itt!e.
9 position my right knee on the o#tside of his !eg& and my !eft knee on the inside& and
%ontin#e %raw!ing. 9 set the $oot near his armpit and rea!i?e 9 %an<t s%oot any farther !ike this.
B!#sh warms my %heeks& making the inse%t $ite sting. 9 shake my head& thankf#! 0y!an is
#n%ons%io#s& and swing my !eft !eg over his hip. .y !egs stradd!e him& whi!e my torso is
h#n%hed forward with my spine against the top of the ho!!ow.
9 p#!! the %!oth from my po%ket and dip it in the $oot& whi%h $are!y has any more water.
0y!an<s trem$!ing !ips are a!ready parted& so 9 s)#ee?e the !i)#id into his mo#th. +is shakes
aren<t vio!ent anymore& and 9 think they might $e from the %o!d& not the dr#gs.
9 dip the %!oth again and s)#ee?e more water o#t. 9 wipe the sweat off his forehead and
%heeks& then drip some more in his mo#th. "e(t& 9 da$ his !ips with the %!oth.
Swallow, 9 think& not knowing if the water is doing any good.
As if o$eying my si!ent %ommand& he swa!!ows soft!y and p#!!s his !ips together tight!y. .y
heart !eaps inside my %hest as 9 dip the %!oth again and to#%h it to his !ips. A moment !ater& they
part for me& and 9 give him more water.
9 %an $are!y see him& $#t 9 %an te!! his eyes are sti!! %!osed.
9 da$ his fa%e again and drop some more water on his tong#e. +e swa!!ows again& $#t sti!! in
a s#$%ons%io#s way& whi%h is fine $y me. At !east 9 know he<s getting the water.
9 fee! a ro%k or !oose $ark digging into my knee& and 9 rea%h down to move it. On the way
down& my hand gra?es a%ross 0y!an<s %hest. 9 fee! goose$#mps and rea!i?e 9 need to try to warm
him #p. 9 set down the %!oth and r#$ $oth of his arms s!ow!y #p and down& then his %hest and
a$domen.
9 g#ide his hands to his $e!!y and 9 !ie down on top of them& trying to %over as m#%h of his
skin as 9 %an. .y hands rest on his sho#!ders and 9 move them $a%k and forth to %reate fri%tion.
Before !ong& 9 find a p!a%e to rest my head on his %hest. 0espite the %o!d& his $reaths are
steady& and they !#!! me $a%k to s!eep.
E E E
9 wake with my hands #nder my head and my !egs dang!ing over 0y!an<s. 9 %an<t imagine
$eing tired eno#gh to s!eep this m#%h after s!eeping a!! night in the woods. 0y!an<s $ody isn<t
trem$!ing& and his arms are no !onger #nderneath me. +e m#st<ve moved them.
+is hands move again and 9 rea!i?e where they<ve goneD they<re on my !ower $a%k. 9 pi%k
my head #p and !ook at him'there<s p!enty of s#n!ight now'and he<s !ooking right at me&
a!most smi!ing. A!most giddy.
*+i&, he says& too !o#d!y.
*Shh. 0y!an& we have to stay )#iet. They<re here., 9 wipe my eye& trying to wake myse!f #p.
*>ho<s here@, Sti!! too !o#d.
*0y!an& p!ease. Tr#st me., 9 p!a%e a finger on his !ips. *Shhh.,
+e !ooks me in the eye& sti!! grinning despite my #rgent pani%. +e moves his hands #p my
$a%k& a%ross my sho#!ders and !ands with his hands on ea%h of my e!$ows& !ingering there with a
%aress. 9 ignore the shiver that %hased his fingers #p my $ody and fo%#s on him.
*Ao#<re so $ea#tif#!. 9<m so happy yo#<re here with me.,
+e<s not getting it.
9 shimmy farther #p so my head is right a$ove his& and 9 %#p my hand over his mo#th and
!ean in. 9 whisper in his ear& *0y!an& p!ease. Be )#iet., 9 rea!i?e the withdrawa!s aren<t over yet.
+e<s %omp!ete!y de!irio#s.
+e whispers against my hand& *9 want to take yo# on a date., #t least hes whispering.
*>hat<s a date@, As !ong as he<s whispering& 9 might as we!! h#mor him.
*9t<s where a g#y takes a gir! he !oves. Or&, he seems %onf#sed for a moment. *Or he wants
to !ove her& $#t he isn<t s#re yet if she !oves him& too. Or ... something !ike that.,
*>hat happens on a date@,
+e takes a deep $reath. *>e!!& 9 think yo# have to ask her father for permission first and
then yo# take her o#t. +ow does a pi%ni% on the $ea%h so#nd@, +e<s speaking !ike a sma!! %hi!d&
inno%ent and matter of fa%t.
*9t so#nds ni%e& 0y!an., This s#$=e%t is strange& so 9 %hange it. *+ow are yo# fee!ing@,
*Can 9 meet yo#r father@,
*9 don<t think so& 0y!an. 9<m sorry., +e knows my father<s gone.
*"o& don<t $e si!!y. 9<!! meet him tomorrow., +e r#$s the skin =#st #nder the edges of my
s!eeves.
9 have no idea where he<s %oming #p with this st#ff. 9 %an<t resist the %#riosity& and there<s a
good %han%e now<s the $est time to ask. 9 take my hand off his mo#th.
*+ave yo# tho#ght a$o#t this st#ff a !ot@, 9 %ontin#e to speak dire%t!y into his ear.
+e e(ha!es and his $reath $!ows my hair& whi%h 9 s#dden!y rea!i?e is a matted mess in his
fa%e. 9<m s#rprised it<s not s#ffo%ating him. 9 go to move it& $#t he $eats me there& p#!!ing it
away from his fa%e and !aying it a%ross my ne%k. +e pats it down a few times and !ets his fingers
!inger on my skin. 9f 9 $at his hands away& he might stop whispering. 9 tighten my =aw.
*Of %o#rse. Every day., 9t<s too !o#d again.
*Shhh&, 9 remind him. (very day7
*9<m sorry&, he says in an e(aggerated whisper& pi%king #p a !o%k of my hair and moving it
again.
*9t<s okay.,
9 don<t know what e!se to do or say& so 9 t#rn my fa%e from him and wish 9 %o#!d %raw! o#t
of this pit. 9t<s !ight o#tside. The men are pro$a$!y !ong gone& $#t how %an 9 $e s#re@
The %onfinement is getting to me. 9<ve had my $ody pressed against another person<s for far
too many ho#rs. And his hands have $een on me at every opport#nity. 9 have to get o#t of here
soon. .y fingers move id!y from an(iety& and when 9 rea!i?e they<re moving against 0y!an<s
skin& 9 stop. 9t wasn<t an intentiona! gest#re& and he<s not himse!f right now& $#t 9 to!d myse!f 9
wo#!dn<t en%o#rage this ... pro$!em.
Conf#sion and annoyan%e aside& 9<m happy he<s awake now.
A!! the parts of my $ody making %onta%t with 0y!an are a!ready on edge. 9<m tense. >hen
!eaves o#tside the tree %rink!e& the remainder of my $ody %omes a!ive with e!e%tri%ity. 9 fee! a
pie%e of hair'pro$a$!y the same st#$$orn pie%e'fa!! $a%k into 0y!an<s fa%e& and he moves it
again.
*9t =#st keeps fa!!ing&, he says with !a#ghter $#$$!ing #p from his %hest. 9 rep!a%e my hand
on his mo#th.
*Shh&, 9 whisper as soft!y as 9 %an. 9 hear the movement again& trying to pi%t#re how far
away the so#r%e m#st $e. >hy don<t 9 hear voi%es@ They<ve not $een the most si!ent of h#nters
th#s far.
0y!an moves my hand and his !ips gra?e my ear as he whispers& *Can we get #p now@ 9<m
h#ngry. This $ed isn<t very %omforta$!e.,
9 p#!! $a%k and !ook him in the eye& p!eading si!ent!y. The hairs on the $a%k of my ne%k
stand on end as the ne(t so#nds seem %!oser.
0y!an takes a $reath to speak& $#t 9 %an<t !et him. 9 to#%h his !ips with mine& s)#ee?ing my
eyes tight!y. Bood idea& Cori& $#t so m#%h for my gro#nd r#!es. .aybe he wont remember.
9 open my eyes to find 0y!an perfe%t!y %omp!iant& his eyes %!osed& his e(pression re!a(ed. 9t
worked& now 9 =#st have to keep him this way. >hen he starts to open his eyes& 9 kiss him again.
+e ha!f;grins& a pi%t#re of %a!m. 9 !et my sho#!ders re!a(& and !isten for more movement. 9 hear
none.
9 kiss him on the %heek a$sent!y& sti!! %aref#!& sti!! !istening. 9 !ook at his !ips& his nose& his
%heeks. 9 %an<t remem$er ever $eing this %!ose to a person $efore.
9 %an<t !ook away& $#t 9 %an<t !ook at his eyes either. And 9 know he<s !ooking at mine. >hen
did 9 $e%ome s#%h a %oward@
.y arms are shaking from propping myse!f #p& and 9<m worried my e!$ows are digging into
him. 9 sti!! don<t hear anything o#tside.
9 shift my weight to the right and 0y!an s%oots onto his side to a%%ommodate me. 9 p!a%e my
inde( finger against my !ips to remind him to $e )#iet. +e nods and !ooks aro#nd #s& with a
%hi!d!ike s#spi%ion growing in his eyes. +e pro$a$!y thinks it<s a game& =#dging $y the way the
%orner of his mo#th keeps trying to t#rn #pward& $#t he stops it $efore it t#rns into a smi!e.
9<m starving& and 9<m s#re he is& too. B#t with movement o#t there& we rea!!y o#ght to stay
p#t& at !east a $it !onger. 9 rest my head in the %rook of 0y!an<s e!$ow and %!ose my eyes. .ost!y
$e%a#se 9 want to avoid his ga?e& whi%h hasn<t !eft me in min#tes.
+o#rs.
0ays.
Aears.
9 %annot es%ape it. There<s nowhere to go. And there<s nothing to do e(%ept give into the
e(ha#stion.
E E E
.y mind is a f!#rry of information. Sensations& instin%ts. .emories& assessments. 9 remind
myse!f to assess.
#ssess what7 .y s#rro#ndings.
.y eyes pop open& and 9 am a!one. 9 %an<t $e!ieve 9 fe!! as!eep again. 9 need food or 9<!!
never over%ome this fatig#e. 9 !ook #p and down the t#nne! $oth ways and don<t see 0y!an. 1ani%
rises in my %hest& my heart $eating faster.
9 %raw! o#t of the tree as )#i%k!y as 9 %an& s%raping my e!$ows a!ong the way. A$o#t the time
9 rea%h the opening& 9 rea!i?e my $oot is $a%k on my foot. The !a%e is sing!e;knotted. 9 tie
do#$!es.
*0y!an&, 9 whisper harsh!y into the $r#sh 9<m fa%ing. "o movement.
9 %raw! into the $#shes and try to !ook thro#gh the ho!es $etween !eaves. "o so!diers that 9
%an see.
9 de%ide the %oast'right here& at !east'is %!ear. 9 rise from the #nder$r#sh and ha!f;%ro#%h&
ha!f;stand whi!e 9 %ontin#e !ooking in every dire%tion. 9 don<t see g#ards& and 9 don<t see 0y!an.
There are p!enty of footprints $#t there<s no way to te!! whi%h are 0y!an<s. A s#rge of pani%
r#shes thro#gh me as 9 %onsider the possi$i!ity that he<s $een %a#ght. 9f he<s sti!! !oopy& he %o#!d
have wandered o#t there and right into their hands. B#t then wo#!dn<t they have fo#nd me& too@
9 have to find him. +e %o#!d have gone in any dire%tion. 9n his right mind& 9<d say he wo#!d
have tried to seek o#t water. B#t the odds are he<s sti!! not in his right mind. 9t<!! $e evening soon
and he sti!! doesn<t have a shirt. 9 $r#sh off a pin%h of g#i!t and start moving.
9<m %aref#! how 9 p!a%e my feet& trying my $est to keep )#iet. 9 don<t want to fo!!ow a
parti%#!ar set of tra%ks e(a%t!y& $e%a#se 9 %o#!d $e fo!!owing my p#rs#ers. 9nstead 9 work
o#tward& keeping my eyes open.
After ten min#tes& the woods get thi%ker& so 9 r#!e o#t that dire%tion and t#rn $a%k. 9 don<t
want to get too far from where we started& =#st in %ase he %omes $a%k.
9 pass $a%k $y and keep wa!king& heading the dire%tion of the pond. There are severa! h#ge
$oot prints in a m#ddy path& and 9 rea!i?e 9 didn<t do a very good =o$ of %overing my own tra%ks
yesterday. 6#%ki!y 9<m !ight;footed& and tried to stay o#t of the m#d.
/r maybe theyre tracking me now. 9 !ook $a%k& %he%king ea%h dire%tion.
9 keep moving& this time staying on sti%ks and !eaves& %hoosing noise over tra%ks as the
gro#nd gets m#ddier the %!oser 9 get to the pond.
9 hear a tiny& a!most #nnoti%ea$!e sp!ashing so#nd ahead& and 9 d#%k $ehind a tree& waiting.
9t %omes again. 9 have no %hoi%e $#t find o#t what it is. There<s a %han%e it<s 0y!an. A!so a
%han%e it<s them. And a very& very sma!! %han%e it<s an anima!. B#t 9 have to know.
9 step toward the noise& $a!an%ing my feet on the overgrown roots poking o#t of the gro#nd.
9 skip a%ross a divide and %!ing to another tree.
9 sme!! the water and hear a faint tri%k!e from wherever the water is %oming from. Tho#gh 9
didn<t see a stream yesterday& 9 hear one now. As 9 take a deep $reath& 9 inha!e the s%ent of dirt
and wood. Remem$ering the sme!!s of %on%rete %onfinement& 9 think& Dirt smells like "reedom.
9 peek aro#nd the %orner. "e(t to the pond& a $are;$a%ked man %ro#%hes with his hands in
the water. 9 start toward him& thinking it has to $e 0y!an& $#t stop myse!f when 9 noti%e a pi!e of
%!othes on the gro#nd ne(t to him. So!dier<s %!othes.
.y $a!an%e fa!ters and my $oot !ands on a twig& snapping it in two. .y heart !eaps into my
throat %hasing a gasp& and 9 %!ap my hand over my mo#th to %ontain the so#nd.
9 press my $a%k to the tree& hoping 9<!! go #nnoti%ed& $#t 9 hear movement $ehind me. 9f 9
r#n& he %o#!d shoot me. 9<m %ertain he<s armed. B#t why is he a!one@ Trying to pi%t#re a!! of the
g#ards 9 saw the day $efore& 9 %an<t remem$er one of them having that shade of skin and that
%o!or hair.
>ho is he@ /ootsteps %ome %!oser to me. 9<m %a#ght. 9t<s over now. 9 %an<t go $a%k. They<!!
ki!! me& or worse.
So 9 r#n. 9<m starving& thirsty& %!#msy& and !o#d& $#t 9 have to r#n. 9 won<t go witho#t a
fight. 9 don<t !ook over my sho#!derD 9 %an<t risk it. After =#mping over a pi!e of $roken !im$s and
d#%king #nder a !ow;hanging $ran%h& 9 %ome to a %!ear area and sprint& knowing this is my
%han%e to get a !ead. 9 $eat Sean& 9 %an $eat whoever<s %hasing me.
9 move my !egs as )#i%k!y as 9 %an. .y ank!es h#rt& and the $oots are #nforgiving. Dont get
caught, 9 repeat over and over in my head.
+is $reaths are !a$ored& $#t steady. +e<s $reathing in thro#gh his nose& and o#t thro#gh his
mo#th with the e(a%t same p#ff so#nd on every e(ha!e. +e<s %a!%#!ated& he<s %a!m& and he knows
his $ody. B#t he<s s!ower than me. >itho#t !ooking $a%k& 9 %an te!! he<s fa!!ing $ehind.
9<m r#nning o#t of !eve! gro#nd& approa%hing more thi%k woods. As soon as 9 %ross the tree
!ine& 9<m going to $reak !eft and try to !ose him.
B#t 9 %an<t stand it& 9 have to !ook. 9<ve p#t eno#gh distan%e& so 9 g!an%e $a%k. The moment 9
start to fo%#s on him& my foot %at%hes on something and 9 topp!e to the gro#nd& ro!!ing over
myse!f and $#mping into a tree. Stupid.
9<m winded& $#t 9 for%e myse!f $a%k onto my feet. Before 9<m even steady& the man<s $ody
%o!!ides with mine. 9 t#rn away from him $#t his hands %!ose aro#nd my arms and 9 see nothing
$#t white hot rage. 9 thrash against him& ki%king $a%k and hitting him on the shin. +e !ets o#t a
groan that so#nds fami!iar. And he doesn<t !et go.
*Stop&, he %ommands me in a !o#d& for%ef#! whisper. 9t<s 0y!an. 9 rea!!y am an idiot.
9 t#rn toward him and s!am my hand against his %hest. *6et me go.,
*>hat<s gotten into yo#@, he says& sti!! in a soft voi%e.
.y %heeks $#rn #p with $!#sh. *>hy didn<t yo# say something@,
*Be%a#se I was trying not to get %a#ght., At !east he<s himse!f now.
*9 saw the %!othes $eside yo#. 9 tho#ght yo# were one of them., 9 g!are at his hands sti!!
wrapped aro#nd my wrists.
+e re!eases me and 9 e(ha!e.
*9<m sorry 9 frightened yo#. 9 was afraid to %a!! o#tD 9 don<t think they<re very far away., +e
!ooks aro#nd s#spi%io#s!y over his sho#!ders.
*Right.,
*6et<s get $a%k to the pond. 9 need those %!othes., .y eyes drop to his torso. 9t<s m#%h more
g!orio#s in day!ight. 9 don<t smi!e& $#t he does& =#st a !itt!e.
9 ro!! my eyes and start mar%hing $a%k toward the pond. +e fo!!ows %!ose!y with his hand in
the midd!e of my $a%k as if to g#ide me. 9 wa!k a !itt!e faster to $reak the %onta%t& and he makes
some kind of noise 9 %an<t identify.
>hen we get $a%k to the pond& 9 knee! $y the pi!e of %!othes. Before 9 %an ask& he speaks #p.
*9 got them off the $ody.,
*>hat@, 9 !ook #p at him. *>hat $ody@,
*One of them died. Some kind of inse%t $ites. They<re a!! over his fa%e and ne%k., 9 fee! the
%o!or drain from my fa%e& and !ift a hand to my %heek. The $ite wo#nd is sti!! swo!!en. That %o#!d
have $een me.
0y!an pi%ks #p a white t;shirt and s!ides it over his sho#!ders. On%e it<s over his head& he
t#gs it $y the hem over his a$domen. +e inspe%ts the pants& $#t seems to de%ide against them. +e
pi%ks #p the man<s =a%ket and wa!ks toward me.
*+ere., +e e(tends the %oat. *1#t this on.,
*9<m fine. 9f yo# need it',
*H#st p#t it on& Cori. 1!ease.,
S!ow!y& 9 take it from him and fo!d it over my arm. 9<!! p#t it on if 9 get %o!d. Right now& 9<m
$#rning hot. 9 %an<t pinpoint e(a%t!y why& tho#gh.
+e ro!!s his eyes.
*>here<s the ... the $ody@, 9 ask& whispering e(tra soft!y over the word body.
+e g!an%es over his sho#!der at a pi!e of $roken sti%ks that seem to $e sta%ked over
something !arge. 9 nod& and !ook at the gro#nd.
*9<m ass#ming yo# have a p!an.,
*8m., 9 don<t want to te!! him 9 didn<t think it thro#gh& $#t my p!an is !a#gha$!e. *>a!k
toward the s#n in the morning& away from it in the afternoon. Rest at night.,
*And do yo# have any idea where that wi!! take #s@,
*Away&, 9 say& knowing that Anti#s is in the other dire%tion.
9 f#!!y e(pe%t him to protest what he pro$a$!y thinks is a ridi%#!o#s e(%#se for a p!an. +e
takes a deep $reath. *Okay.,
Chapter Twelve
Sin%e it was getting dark& we de%ided to spend one more night in the tree. >e drank p!enty
of water& whi%h hadn<t seemed to have any i!! effe%t on #s. 9<m not s#re a$o#t him& $#t my
stoma%h grow!s with h#nger.
0y!an is sett!ed in& stret%hed o#t in the %avity of the tree that<s $een o#r home for the !ast
two days. 9& however& %#r! #p near the opening. +e tried to arg#e& $#t 9 to!d him 9 needed fresh
air.
9 %an<t s!eep& and 9 don<t think 0y!an %an& either. >e haven<t spoken m#%h today& tho#gh
9<m not s#re why. 9 fee! angry even tho#gh 9 don<t have a reason.
*There<s room for yo# to stret%h o#t.,
9 take a short $reath. *>e sho#!d pro$a$!y sti!! whisper& =#st in %ase.,
9 wad #p the =a%ket and !ay my head on it. Someone died in this ,acket& 9 think. >hat a
mor$id tho#ght. 9 te!! myse!f it<s $etter that he<s gone $e%a#se it<s one !ess person h#nting me&
$#t 9 %an<t he!p $#t $e affe%ted $y it. 6ife is a fragi!e thing.
*0o yo# ... remem$er anything@,
*Remem$er what@, he asks.
*Ao# know& yesterday. This morning...,
+e takes forever to answer. *9 remem$er getting that thing off of yo#. Then&, he takes a
$reath and shifts his weight. *>aking #p this afternoon and finding water. St#m$!ing over a dead
$ody.,
*Oh., 9 dig my fingernai! into the wood a$sent!y. Thats good.
+e shifts his weight again& and somehow 9 %an te!! he<s !ooking at me. 9 a!ways %an.
*>hat<s on yo#r mind& Cori@, he asks soft!y& $#t there<s something heavy #nderneath.
*Ao# =#st ... weren<t doing so we!! is a!!. Ao# %o#!d have died. 9 was rea!!y worried., There.
That<s v#!nera$!e eno#gh. 9t<!! have to $e.
*9s that a!!@, he asks. 9<m $anking on him not remem$ering his !itt!e episode ear!ier. 9t<s
$etter this way.
*Aeah&, 9 say.
*Okay. 9<m sorry 9 worried yo#. Thank yo# for $ringing me water.,
*Ao#<re we!%ome.,
E E E
.orning %omes faster than 9 e(pe%t. 9 g#ess 9 was a$!e to s!eep after a!!. 9 stand o#t in the
open& stret%hing my stiff !im$s and trying to ignore my heada%he.
*9 fo#nd something 9 think we %an eat&, 0y!an says from the other side of some $#shes. +e
wa!ks aro#nd with a handf#! of sma!!& $rown& %ir%#!ar things. +e s)#ee?es one #nti! it $#rsts and
a reddish !i)#id drips down his th#m$. +e sniffs it. 1ops one in his mo#th.
*0y!an& wait&, 9 hiss too !ate. +e swa!!ows it and we =#st stare at ea%h other for a moment.
*"ot $ad&, he m#m$!es& tossing another in his mo#th.
*>e might as we!! die together., 9 take a few and toss them $a%kD they taste $itter and
earthy.
>e eat the rest whi!e wa!king toward the s#n& away from the other gro#p. That<s not to say
their dire%tion won<t %hange& so we sti!! need to $e on g#ard.
After a few ho#rs of wa!king& we %ome to a %!earing. There<s a !arge fie!d& and on the other
side are more trees. >e stop and %ro#%h& !ooking o#t into the %!earing. 9 s%an the tree !ine a%ross
from #s& s)#inting to make o#t any potentia! threats there& $#t it<s rea!!y not $right eno#gh to see
into the shadows.
*8p for a r#n@, 9 ask him.
*Are yo#7,
*Chest is sti!! a !itt!e sore& $#t 9<!! make it., "o sense in getting too %omforta$!e. >ho knows
how !ong we<!! $e on the r#n.
The grass is #p to my %hest& so there<s no te!!ing what we<re r#nning into or what we<!! %ome
a%ross. 9 need to $e swift $#t %aref#!'we need to.
>e step from the shade& and 9 g!an%e over my sho#!der at him. 9 %an fina!!y make o#t the
%o!or of his eyes in the s#n!ight'dark green with f!e%ks of ye!!ow aro#nd the p#pi!. 9 !ook away
and witho#t warning& 9 start r#nning. +e keeps #p with ease.
9 try to soak in as m#%h detai! as 9 %an. This openness& this fie!d& these are the things 9<ve
dreamed a$o#t for so many years. B#t 9 don<t fee! free& not yet. 9 wonder if 9 ever wi!!& or what 9
think 9<!! find. There<s something a$o#t r#nning that stirs #p the deepest things inside me.
9 take deep $reaths in and o#t& $asking in the s#n. Even tho#gh it<s a!ways most!y
o$str#%ted& it<s sti!! eno#gh to warm my fa%e.
*Cori@, 0y!an asks. 9 didn<t rea!i?e 9 stopped& $#t 9<m standing in the midd!e of the fie!d
with my head ti!ted toward the sky& and my fingers g!iding over the ta!! $!ades of grass. 9t<s a
taste of what !ife %o#!d $e !ike in a wor!d witho#t "athan& or of this wor!d if 9 a%t#a!!y manage to
e!#de him. $e, 9 %orre%t myse!f again.
9 nod to 0y!an and keep moving& s!ower now& re!ishing every detai!. A gent!e $ree?e ti%k!es
the hair that<s fa!!en o#t of my ponytai! onto my ne%k& and 9 sigh& re!a(ed. 9 fee! at home here
where there<s nothing and no one. H#st me and the open spa%e ... and 0y!an. 9 try to imagine it
witho#t him and 9<m g!ad he<s here. Rea!!y g!ad.
>hen we %ross into the woods& 9 t#rn $a%k to !ook.
*9 don<t remem$er the !ast time 9 saw yo# smi!e&, he says. +e<s not whispering anymore& $#t
he sti!! speaks soft!y.
9 try to p#!! the %orners of my mo#th $a%k into my signat#re s%ow!& $#t 9 %an<t he!p it. 9 try to
imagine what the sky was !ike when it was $!#e and painted with white.
A deep $reath& and 9 t#rn away.
.y foot st#m$!es over a stone and 9 %at%h my $a!an%e& $#t 0y!an gra$s my e!$ow to s#pport
me anyway. 9 !ook at his fa%e& $#t not his eyes. 9 p#!! my e!$ow away& harsher than intended& $#t
9 don<t need he!p.
+e t#rns on his hee! and wa!ks deeper into the woods. +e doesn<t speak for ho#rs& and on!y
g!an%es #p periodi%a!!y at the s#n. +e moves $ran%hes o#t of the way and !ets them s!ing $a%k in
p!a%e sp!it se%onds after 9<m thro#gh them. Every now and then 9 take a different path so he
doesn<t have to worry a$o#t %!earing the way.
*0y!an& wait&, 9 say& s!owing down. >e<ve $een hiking for ho#rs.
*"eed to rest@, he asks %#rt!y.
*Thank yo#., 9 %ross my arms.
*>hat@,
*Thank yo# for saving me. /rom whatever that ma%hine was.,
*Cori',
9 ho!d #p a hand to stop him. *B#t 9<m not weak. 9<m not fragi!e. 9 don<t need yo# to he!p me
take every step.,
*>hy do yo# ass#me the on!y reason 9 want to to#%h yo# is $e%a#se 9 think yo#<re weak@,
*>hy is it so easy for yo# to to#%h peop!e& 0y!an@ Ao# were raised in the same p!a%e 9 was.
Ao# sho#!dn<t want to.,
9 take a deep $reath and t#rn away from him. 9 %an<t read his e(pression and it<s driving me
%ra?y. 9<ve never spent this m#%h time with 0y!an& and 9 fee! !ike 9 never knew him at a!!.
*And whi!e 9<m at it&, 9 t#rn $a%k aro#nd. *>ho are yo#@ /or ten years yo# sit a%ross from
me with yo#r sho#!ders h#n%hed and yo#r head down. Stea!ing side!ong g!an%es and speaking so
)#iet!y. A!ways worried. A!ways %aref#!.,
*And@, +e shifts his weight and st#ffs his hands in his po%kets. +e<s tense& may$e more
than 9 am.
*And then we get o#t here and yo#<re this %a!m& %onfident g#y. Ao#<re ath!eti% and strong.
And prepared& and',
*So yo# !iked me $etter when yo# tho#ght 9 was weaker than yo#@ That<s ri%h., The
statement is !a%ed with something that $#rns me to the %ore. And 9<m st#nned. 9s it tr#e@
*9 !iked yo# $etter when 9 knew who yo# were. Or who 9 tho#ght yo# were.,
0y!an starts wa!king again& and 9 trai! $ehind him.
*9t wasn<t yo# 9 wanted to de%eive& Cori. 9 was trying to prote%t yo#. 9 knew that if we were
going to $e friends& 9<d have to $!end in., +e stops and t#rns to me& raising his voi%e s!ight!y. *9
don<t know if yo# noti%ed& $#t 9<m a ha!f a foot ta!!er than everyone e!se in that $#i!ding. 9 tend
to sti%k o#t. So 9 s!o#%hed at the ta$!e& 9 kept my head down& and 9 stayed )#iet.,
That stings a !itt!e. 9t stings a !ot& a%t#a!!y. B!#sh spi!!s over my %heeks !ike a vo!%ano& and
g#i!t pri%ks my heart. The things a$o#t him that 9<d se%ret!y %riti%i?ed& he was doing for me.
*9',
*0on<t say anything. >e need to find water&, he %ommands. 9t start!es me& $#t 9 fo!!ow him
si!ent!y.
>e wa!k for another ha!f ho#r $efore %oming a%ross a sma!! stream where we %ro#%h to
drink. 9 s%oop water and !ift it to my mo#th. 9 sme!! it first& $#t 9<d pro$a$!y drink it even if it
sme!!ed off. 9t tastes fine& too. A%t#a!!y& it tastes good. /resh. 9t<s apparent that the stream was
m#%h !arger a !ong time ago& $#t has dwind!ed with the water s#pp!y.
0y!an drinks as m#%h as he %an& and so do 9. Ahead& the woods thin o#t& and 9 wonder if
they<!! end soon and what<s on the other side.
>e find more of those $rown& =#i%y things and eat them. 9<m sti!! h#ngry& $#t it<s eno#gh to
keep #s moving.
>hen it gets dark& we %an<t find anything that<!! make for good she!ter& so we sett!e in
$etween a %o#p!e of !arge trees. 9t<s not idea!& $#t it<s a!! we %an do.
+e !eans against one tree& and 9 sit against another fa%ing him& with o#r !egs stret%hed o#t
$etween #s. 9 %ross my ank!es and !ay my arms over my %hest. 9<m wearing the =a%ket now. 9
fig#red 9<ve $een st#$$orn eno#gh !ate!y& and 9 am %o!d. +e doesn<t show it& $#t 9<m s#re he<s
%o!d& too.
*.y mother<s name was .eredith.,
9 sit #p a !itt!e straighter. +e<s never to!d me this. .ay$e $e%a#se we<ve spent the !ast ten
years ta!king a$o#t me.
*+ow do yo# know that@, 9 ask. +e sho#!dn<t know& not a%%ording to Anti#s<s r#!es.
*She %ame to visit me as m#%h as she %o#!d. She got pretty good at sneaking aro#nd the
%ompo#nd., +e stares somewhere into the distan%e. *Find of !ike yo#., +e grins& his eyes
drifting toward me for a $rief moment then $a%k to the woods.
*She wo#!d ho!d me in her arms and sing in my ear. A!ways )#iet!y so she wo#!dn<t get
%a#ght. She wo#!d stroke my fa%e& and kiss my forehead. R#n her fingers thro#gh my hair. She<d
say& L9 !ove yo#& 0y!an.<, +is $reath hit%hes& then he goes on. *9 !oved her& too., +is mention of
the word love makes me think of my father.
*After me& she %o#!dn<t %on%eive again. They ran tests& and tried some s#rgeries and dr#gs
on her ... $#t nothing worked. She $egged them to spare her !ife and a!!ow her to transfer to %are;
taking. They agreed& provided she was not my %aretaker. 9f she hadn<t $een so $ea#tif#!& they
pro$a$!y wo#!dn<t have taken the dea!. She was %harming., )ike her son, 9 think.
9 imagine an inno%ent yo#ng woman having her %hi!d taken from her then $eing deemed
#se!ess !ike some possession yo# %an throw away. 9t si%kens me.
*She $e%ame a %aretaker on the gir!s< f!oor. Ao# pro$a$!y saw her and never knew it.,
*>hat happened to her@,
+e takes a !ong& deep $reath and sighs. *She got %a#ght. 9 was ripped from her em$ra%e and
thrown against a wa!!& then she was dragged away. 9 never saw her again.,
+im saying *dragged away, sparks a memory and 9 %!ose my eyes& trying to fo%#s to %a!! it
forward.
Im on the boys "loor, hiding in an air return, maybe eleven4years4old. Im covered in sweat
"rom slipping in the vent and almost getting caught, but Ive recovered and Im holding still till
the guard on this "loor is o"" my trail.
I watch him pace the hall, listening intently, until Nathan storms through the threshold.
Take a walk,* Nathan tells him, his speech loud and slurred.
The guard e9cuses himsel" and Nathan slams into a boys bedroom. I hear a scu""le and then
he emerges "rom the room with a woman in tow. &is "ingers are clenched around a wad o" her
hair and he ,erks her down the hall. Shes barely able to stay on her "eet, and when theyre
hal"way between the room and me, he slams her into the wall with his "ingers around her throat.
Nathan, please. &es our son.*
I have many sons. #nd many women. $hat makes you think you two are so special7* &is
voice comes out as a growl and she doesnt struggle even though I can tell hes really hurting
her.
I was ,ust tucking him in. Its human to love. $ere made that way. 'hildren need the love
o" a parent.*
The love o" a parent7 # "ather7* he snarls.
/r a mother.* She begins to cry as his knuckles go white. She makes a sound like shes
gagging and choking.
I know nothing o" either.* Sweat glistens on his "orehead in the dim hall lights. &is "ace
hardens more than Ive ever seen it. 5ut the love o" a woman, I dont mind so much.*
She whimpers as his hold loosens. She meets his eyes but says nothing. &e strokes her "ace
as i" now he can take back the pain he ,ust caused, but he cant.
&is voice comes out shaky. I could have been good to you. I" youd loved me. 5ut no, you
were saving that "or this boy, werent you7 )et me tell you, hes nothing, and youre nothing.*
&e wipes sweat "rom his brow. nless you think you could reconsider my o""er.*
#nd break your own laws7* She spits in his "ace.
&e rubs his slimy cheek against her "ace, closing his eyes in some sick reverie. I" its my
laws youre concerned about, you should have never touched that boy. Time to say goodbye.*
&er screams "ill the hall as he pulls her away by her hair, her body dragging across the
linoleum.
9 %ome to my senses with my hand %overing my gaping mo#th. +e may not know what 9
saw& $#t he knows eno#gh. "o wonder 0y!an hates him. 9 hate him& too& 9 =#st never knew 0y!an
had a reason to fee! the same.
*9 was there.,
+e !eans forward. *>hat@,
*9 saw him take her. 9 had no idea it was yo#r mother. 9<d forgotten a$o#t it.,
*0id yo# see what he did to her@ >here he took her@, he %hokes o#t.
*9 don<t know.,
*9 know he ki!!ed her., +e %a!ms down a $it. And 9<m s#re he<s right.
*9<m sorry& 0y!an. 9 sho#!d have done something.,
+e shakes his head and h#ffs. *There<s nothing yo# %o#!d have done& Cori., +e attempts to
reass#re me& $#t it doesn<t work. 9 p!ay the memory over and over& trying to %ome #p with
another possi$!e o#t%ome& $#t the options a!! end with her dead and me in =ai! or dead& too.
6ong moments pass as the si!en%e grows& $oth of #s deep in tho#ght. 9<m s#rprised when he
%ontin#es& $e%a#se it<s not anything %!ose to the horri$!e things 9<m dwe!!ing on.
*She was a great mother. 9 %an<t imagine a $etter one., 9 think of the risks she took and
know he<s right. 9n the end she sa%rifi%ed her !ife to give her son what she tho#ght he needed.
*>i!! yo# te!! me a$o#t her@, 9 rea!i?e how m#%h 9 never knew a$o#t my own mother and
try to imagine her ho!ding me the way 0y!an said .eredith he!d him. 9 a!most envy it& $#t 9<m so
happy he had that. 9t %!ear!y meant so m#%h to him.
*She rea!!y tried her $est to show me what !ove was. The $ea#ty of h#man to#%h. The
importan%e of freedom. She to!d me stories a$o#t !ife $efore the war. She was a teenager when it
happened& $#t she spoke fond!y of her %o#ntry. Of her fami!y. "athan took pity on her and
a!!owed her to %ome to Corne!i#s<s #ndergro#nd she!ter.,
+e pa#ses& and 9<m g!ad& $e%a#se it<s a !ot to take in. 9<m $reathing heavi!y& and 9 fee! tears
searing into the $a%k of my eyes& fighting their way forward. Thinking of "athan<s hand aro#nd
.eredith<s throat& 9 %!en%h my eye!ids to ward off the tears.
*She didn<t want to !eave her fami!y& $#t her father wanted her to s#rvive. So he wat%hed
"athan take her away., Nathan her hero. Nathan her killer.
9<m sitting #p straight now& my !egs %rossed $efore me.
*9 wasn<t s#pposed to know what fami!y meant. "ot in Anti#s. B#t $e%a#se of my mother& 9
do. And 9 miss her.,
*9 miss my fami!y& too., 9 try hard to remem$er my mother<s fa%e& $#t it<s a f!eeting
memory.
*0id they h#g yo#@ Fiss yo#@, he asks& tender!y.
*Aes& they did., A tear finds its way to my %heek& and 9 wipe it away as a shiver r#ns
thro#gh me. 9 r#$ my arms& wondering if my father wo#!d $e ashamed of the ho!!ow thing 9<ve
$e%ome.
*That<s what 9 miss the most. Being to#%hed&, his voi%e )#ivers& and 9 !ook over to see him
shivering& too. O#r warmth was m#%h $etter ins#!ated inside that tree with #s pressed together.
9 fee! g#i!ty for having $een so se!f;%entered over the %o#rse of o#r friendship. +e !ost his
mother& and 9 didn<t even noti%e. Even worse& 9 saw her taken away witho#t rea!i?ing who she
was. >e share !oathing for the same man& $#t 9 was too se!fish to see it. And !ike me& he never
$e!onged in a p!a%e !ike Anti#s. +e had a fami!y and !ost it& =#st !ike 9 did.
0y!an& my friend. .y geni#s friend who a!ways s#pported me& a!ways %ame #p with ways to
he!p me. >ho sn#%k aro#nd to get me an e!e%troni% $ook to he!p fi!! the s!eep!ess nights. >ho
risked his !ife to warn me when things got too dangero#s. >ho %ame #p with ridi%#!o#s
inventions to try to he!p me get o#t of that p!a%e& even when 9 made no p!ans to take him with
me. 9<d =#st ass#med he was happy there. After we es%aped& he to!d me he had dreamed of
!eaving Anti#s with me. >hy did that never o%%#r to me@
9 owe 0y!an so m#%h& and a!! 9<ve done is h#rt him. 9 tho#ght =#mping off a tower was
$rave& $#t this wi!! $e the $iggest test of $ravery 9<ve fa%ed. 9 stand #p and wipe my pa!ms on my
pants. +ow am 9 sweating whi!e free?ing %o!d@
+e !ooks at me& $em#sed. +e<s not dr#gged this time& so there<s no safety net or possi$i!ity
he won<t remem$er. And neither of #s is grieving. This is a$o#t him and me ... most!y him.
9 wa!k toward him& and the distan%e seems !ike mi!es even tho#gh it<s on!y a few steps. +e
doesn<t take his eyes off me. 9 drop to my knees and wrap my arms aro#nd his ne%k. 9 %#p the
$a%k of his head'!ike he did to me in the tree'and 9 ho!d him against me. 9 don<t know what
9<m doing& and 9<m $!#shing from head to toe.
>anting to %omfort him& 9 re%a!! $eing %onso!ed as a %hi!d and r#n my hand $a%k and forth
on 0y!an<s sho#!der. 9 %an<t te!! if we<re $oth trem$!ing or if it<s =#st me.
*Ao# don<t have to do this.,
*9 want to&, 9 sh#dder.
+e $reathes hard against my ne%k. *Ao#<re shaking., >e!!& it<s =#st me& then.
*9 know., A !a#gh es%apes me.
+e rea%hes for my sho#!der and p#!!s me into his !ap. 9 !ay my head on his %hest with my
forehead pressed against his =aw. 9 to#%h the side of his ne%k with my fingertips as he wraps an
arm a%ross my sho#!der and p#!!s my !egs %!oser. >itho#t !etting go of my sho#!der& he r#ns his
hand #p and down ea%h of my %a!ves in t#rn to warm them. Then he warms my arm. 9 didn<t
%ome over here to get warm& $#t it<s ni%e.
9 find myse!f tra%ing his %o!!ar$one& and a!most stop& $#t for%e myse!f not to. 9nstead& 9 !ay
my pa!m on his %hest and move #p toward his sho#!der. Ever so %aref#!!y& 9 move my hand
toward the nape of his ne%k.
9<ve spent as many years as 9 %an remem$er %ringing at the s!ightest %onta%t& $#t 0y!an<s
to#%h fee!s !ike the most nat#ra! thing in the wor!d. 9 think 9 knew it when we were together in
the tree& $#t 9 didn<t want to a%%ept it.
.y parents !oved ea%h other. 1eop!e are s#pposed to !ove& s#pposed to to#%h. 9 know that&
$#t 9<ve $e%ome something so!itary and deta%hed. Anti#s made me'Nathan-made me that
way. .ay$e 0y!an %an #ndo it.
Sti!! to#%hing 0y!an<s ne%k& 9 pa#se when my fingers gra?e over his %hip imp!ant $e!ow his
ear and !inger there #nti! he p!a%es his hand over mine. A moment !ater& he moves my hand to his
fa%e and !eans into it. +e r#$s his %heek against it and then kisses my pa!m. 9 re!a( my hand and
he !owers it& !etting it go $efore it rests against my own %hest.
*Thank yo#&, he whispers into my hair& ret#rning his attention to warming me #p.
9 try to say& *.m hmm&, $#t it =#st %omes o#t !ike some kind of groan. 9 %!ear my throat.
*9<m sorry for h#rting yo#.,
+e kisses my forehead. *.ake yo# a dea!.,
*Okay&, my voi%e s)#eaks. 9 think my throat is %aving in.
*9 won<t to#%h yo# #n!ess yo# want me to& and when 9 wake #p ea%h morning& 9 won<t
e(pe%t anything.,
*9n ret#rn@, 9 ask.
*Ao# don<t p#nish me for things 9 didn<t do to yo#.,
Deal.
The ne(t day p!ays o#t =#st !ike the !ast. A !ot of hiking& a !itt!e food& and $oth of #s
e(ha#sted. >e try to do as !itt!e %!im$ing as possi$!e& $#t the !and is far from f!at& so the #ps and
downs s!ow #s down %onsidera$!y& and 9 wonder how m#%h gro#nd we<re a%t#a!!y %overing.
0y!an ho!ds #p his end of the dea!& $#t 9 find myse!f in his arms again at night& and 9<m
growing #sed to it. .ore than used to it'9 wo#!d miss it if 9 had to stop.
Then another day of starving and tra%king toward the s#n& and another %o!d night wrapped in
0y!an<s warmth passes. 9f we starve to death& at !east we<!! die together. .y mo#th is dry& my
!ips are %happed. 9<m %!#msy& and e(ha#sted. 0y!an te!!s me we<re dehydrated.
1a%ing thro#gh the forest& 9 noti%e it dissipates the farther we get. 9 rest my hand on a tree
and !ean against it for s#pport.
*>e have to find water soon., The pain in my $e!!y is red#%ed to a permanent a%he. 9<ve
forgotten what Anti#s s!#sh tastes !ike& $#t 9<d $et it<s heaven!y now& $#t it<s water 9 rea!!y %rave.
9 peer ahead. 9 s)#ee?e my eyes sh#t& then !ook again. The wood is different ahead. 9t<s
faded gray& $#t there<s no $ark on it. 9 s)#int. The wood is %#t in pie%es and standing #p side;$y;
side in a row. 0y!an fo!!ows my eyes and sees what 9 do.
*>hat do yo# think that is@, he asks.
*A fen%e.,
Chapter Thirteen
The fen%e r#ns pro$a$!y a ha!f;mi!e in ea%h dire%tion. On the other side& we see the tops of
ho#ses !ined #p in a row& sitting e)#a! distan%es from one another. Approa%hing the fen%e as
)#iet!y as we %an& we peek thro#gh the s!ats.
Semi;green grass %overs a sma!! yard !ittered with weeds. An o!d wooden str#%t#re stands in
the midd!e with two meta! %hains hanging from it& swinging gent!y in the wind. Beyond that sits
a ho#se& not anything !ike the !arge $#i!ding in Anti#s. This one has warped& painted wood
striped a%ross its s#rfa%e. The on!y %on%rete 9 see is %ra%ked on the gro#nd ne(t to the door
!eading inside. The str#%t#re %an<t possi$!y $e that strong if it<s on!y made of wood. B#t it<s sti!!
standing.
The yard is s#rro#nded on a!! sides with more fen%ing. >e wa!k over so we %an see what<s
to the right& and it<s a repeat of the first4 a ho#se with a fen%ed in yard. This one has a man;made
ho!e in the gro#nd ha!f;f#!! of green& dirty water.
9t appears ea%h yard wi!! ho!d the same spe%ta%!e& so we de%ide the first one is the one to
approa%h. 9t<s evident that this p!a%e has !ong $een a$andoned& so we<!! $e %aref#!& $#t it fee!s
safe eno#gh.
0y!an gra$s the top of the fen%e and p#!!s himse!f #p eno#gh to see over. The fen%e %ra%ks
#nder his weight. +e !ooks at me and shr#gs. 9 %o%k an eye$row& not s#re what he<s thinking and
not s#re if 9 !ike that g!int in his eye. >e<re starving to death and he !ooks ... happy.
+e t#rns away from the fen%e& %onf#sing me at first& then he p#!!s his knee forward and
s!ams his foot into the fen%e. The o!d wood $reaks& and he keeps ki%king #nti! he<s made a
de%ent;si?ed ho!e then yanks some of the $oards away.
+e stands with a pro#d grin and gest#res toward the ho!e with his pa!m #pward. *6adies
first., There<s that %harm again. 9f 9 weren<t dying of starvation& dehydration& and e(ha#stion& 9
wo#!d rea%t. 9nstead& 9 =#st step thro#gh the ho!e and into the grass on the other side.
Being s#rro#nded $y a fen%e immediate!y reminds me of $eing trapped in Anti#s. 9 stand
fro?en #nti! 0y!an %raw!s thro#gh and p!a%es a hand on my sho#!der& whi%h he retra%ts as soon as
9 !ook at him.
*9<m fine&, 9 answer $efore 9 rea!i?e he didn<t ask.
+e takes the !ead toward the ho#se& and 9 fo!!ow %!ose!y. The door has a !arge& d#sty pane of
g!ass.
9 try the hand!e& and it<s !o%ked& of %o#rse. 9 start to peek inside& $#t 0y!an throws his e!$ow
into the g!ass& $reaking a %h#nk o#t of it. +e rea%hes inside and #n!o%ks the door& s!iding it open
and wa!king in with me on his hee!s. I dont like this. 0y!an %!oses the door $ehind #s.
>e stand $eside a ta$!e and %hairs. H#st ahead is a kit%hen sink& an ar%hai% stovetop& and a
!ot of %a$inets. Soft& %#shy f#rnit#re sits to o#r right& arranged aro#nd a wooden pie%e with a
$!a%k& p!asti% ma%hine tipped over in front of it. Broken g!ass s#rro#nds it.
At the front is another door and a sma!! !anding $efore a stair%ase. A sign on the wa!! reads&
*>e!%ome to o#r +ome., &ome. That<s what this is. A pain twists my stoma%h as 9 wonder what
happened to them. 0id they make it to an #ndergro#nd $#nker@ 0id they die in the streets@ >ere
they near a point of impa%t or did they die from the res#!ting emissions@
Something on the f!oor %at%hes my eye& and 9 pi%k it #p. 9t<s a wooden frame with $roken
g!ass. 9 r#$ the d#st off with my th#m$ to see a photo of a mother& father& and two !itt!e gir!s&
tho#gh it<s faded and hard to make o#t.
9 p#!! it #p to my fa%e and !ook %!oser. The gir!s are !ight;haired and !ight;eyed& and they
!ook !ike the same person twi%e. Their smi!es are $right and #nfettered. "o tragedy to $ring their
tiny spirits down. A word $#$$!es #p in my mind and 9 m#m$!e it. *6ove!y., They are !ove!y.
>hen 9<d read that word in the past& 9 never had a point of referen%e. "ow 9 do.
.y eyes shift to the !oving arms wrapped aro#nd ea%h gir!& and 9 p#t the photo on a %a$inet
$y the door fa%e #p.
*Cori&, 0y!an %a!!s o#t from the kit%hen. 9 wa!k to him and !ook at him from a%ross the
%o#nter. *6et<s try it.,
9 !ook at the fa#%et hand!e his hand rests on and nod. +e p#!!s the hand!e #pward and a
r#m$!e so#nds $eneath o#r feet. At first& 9<m nervo#s that we<ve done something wrong $e%a#se
the fa#%et $egins to shake& $#t after another moment it spits dirty water the %o!or of r#st.
>e $oth stare greedi!y. /or the !ongest time& we wait and then something wonderf#!
happens. The water r#ns %!ear. +is eyes grow $ig& and he !ooks at me. 9 !#r%h myse!f aro#nd the
%o#nter to stand $eside him& and we $oth sti%k o#r fingers in the water and sme!! it.
+e nods& and 9 !ean to drink from it. 9t tastes !ike earth& $#t 9 don<t mind. "ot after the things
we %ons#med in the wi!derness.
A min#te !ater 9 stand #p panting with water r#nning down my %hest. 0y!an takes my p!a%e
at the fa#%et and drinks #nti! he %an<t anymore. *Ama?ing&, he pants. *9t sti!! works., 9 nod in
rep!y.
>e droop to the f!oor whi!e %at%hing o#r $reaths. +e has water down his %hest& too. 9t makes
me smi!e& $#t 9 stop myse!f $efore he %at%hes me.
After a few more min#tes& 9 stand $a%k #p and drink more. "either of #s $othered to t#rn it
off. 0y!an fo!!ows s#it and 9 drop to the f!oor again. A few moments !ater& he sh#ts off the water
and when he shifts toward me& his foot s!ips on the water we spi!!ed and %at%hes himse!f on the
%o#nter.
+is eyes $e%ome h#ge and a $rief pani% %rosses his fa%e. 9t<s the first time 9<ve seen him !ose
his %ompos#re. 9t<s st#pid and simp!e& $#t 9 %an<t he!p $#t !a#gh. +e eases himse!f onto the f!oor
$eside me and !a#ghs& too.
*/ood@, 9 ask& %ertain anything in this ho#se is inedi$!e. 9t wo#!d $e over twenty years o!d.
+e s%oots a%ross the f!oor& fina!!y !etting his e(ha#stion show& and opens a skinny door
a%ross from me. 9t<s f#!! of %ans& =ars& and $o(es with words and pi%t#res 9 don<t re%ogni?e. +e
gets onto his knees and gra$s a white $o( made of some type of %ard$oard. The pi%t#re is faded&
$#t it !ooks !ike a yo#ng gir! in a white hat and a $!#e shirt.
0y!an rips open the $o( and d#mps something into his hand. 9n a p!asti% wrapper& the
withered item is $rown and green. +e taps in on the gro#nd and it makes a th#mp so#nd. +e tries
to $end it and it doesn<t $#dge.
+e p#ts the $o( $a%k where he fo#nd it and p#!!s o#t a %an instead. There<s a sma!! meta! ta$
that 0y!an f#m$!es with whi!e 9 gra$ a %!ear p!asti% %ontainer with thi%k& am$er !i)#id inside. 9
twist the !id off with !itt!e effort and find a %ard$oard disk atta%hed to the opening. 9 get my
fingernai! #nderneath it and pee! it $a%k.
9 take a whiff& and it sme!!s wonderf#!. 9 dip my finger in and p#!! some o#t in a gooey&
stringy mess. 9 p#t it in my mo#th and wipe away what<s st#%k to my !ips. 9t<s sti%ky $#t tastes
ama?ing& very sweet. 9 press it $etween my tong#e and the roof of my mo#th $efore swa!!owing.
*9t<s good&, 9 te!! 0y!an. +e takes the $ott!e from me and reads the !a$e!.
*+oney., +e shr#gs and hands it $a%k to me. *9t<s not so#r or $#rning yo#r throat& right@,
*"o& it<s not., 9 smi!e. 9 %an<t stop smi!ing now.
+e fina!!y pries open the %an he<d $een working on& and p#!!s $a%k the meta!. 9nside it is a
%!o#dy !i)#id with s!imy green vegeta$!es inside. 0y!an p#!!s one from the %an and pops it in his
mo#th then %hases it with a few more.
*.mm&, he says& pin%hing his !ips tight. +e eats a %o#p!e more and we trade. +e eats the
honey whi!e 9 try o#t the green things. They are a$o#t two in%hes !ong and skinny. The skin is a
!itt!e f#??y& whi%h fee!s weird on my tong#e. They definite!y don<t taste as good as the honey.
/or a whi!e !onger we go thro#gh things in the tiny spa%e& making a pi!e of the ones we
don<t !ike'or that sme!! poisono#s or disg#sting'in the f!oor and things we do !ike $y the sink&
eating and sipping on them as we go& stopping on%e $oth o#r stoma%hs are f#!!.
9n the spa%e with the soft f#rnit#re& we wipe off the d#st with a pi!!ow and spraw! a%ross
them. 9t takes no time at a!! for me to fa!! as!eep.
9 wake not !ong after& and it<s sti!! !ight o#tside. 0y!an s!eeps with one !eg hanging over the
edge of the %#shion with his foot resting on the gro#nd. +is knee f!ops o#t to the side. One of his
hands rests on his stoma%h& and the other $ehind his head& his $reaths deep and even.
9 r#$ s!eep from my eyes and stand #p& stret%hing. 9 wa!k $a%k to the front of the home and
!ook #p the stair%ase. 9 take the first step %aref#!!y& s!ow!y& $#t as 9 as%end 9 grow more
de!i$erate.
At the top of the stairs& 9 enter the first doorway 9 %ome to. Two tiny $eds with d#sty& pink
$!ankets and pi!!ows. 9 %!ose the door imagining the !itt!e gir!s from the pi%t#re s!eeping in those
$eds.
The ne(t room is a $athroom. 6itt!e $ott!es and t#$es !itter the %o#nter spa%e and the edge of
the shower. 9 shake an image of my mother washing me #nder a !eaky pipe from my head. That
%an<t $e a memory& 9 was too yo#ng.
The !ast door 9 %ome to sti%ks. The kno$ t#rns $#t 9 have to p#sh with my sho#!der to s!ide it
open& and something on the other side s%rapes the f!oor. On%e 9<m thro#gh& 9 see that a dresser
was wedged against the door.
.y eyes skip over the pi!es of s#pp!ies and $ott!es of water sta%ked a!ong the wa!!s and !o%k
on the $ed. The who!e fami!y !ies there& their $odies not even f#!!y de%omposed. And they a!!
died wrapped in ea%h other<s arms& whi%h te!!s me they knew they wo#!d die. They knew it was
%oming.
9 drop to my knees& pain rising from deep within my g#t. Tears f!ood my eyes& and my $ody
heaves into a so$ so strong it h#rts my ri$s and makes me na#seo#s. 9 $o$ $a%k and forth with
my mo#th gaping open& $#t no so#nd %omes o#t for the !ongest time. And when it does& it so#nds
!ike 9<m dying.
9 hear footsteps !eaping heavi!y #p the stairs and stopping right $ehind me. +e doesn<t move
so 9 know he<s !ooking at the fo#r $odies on the $ed. >itho#t taking a se%ond !ook 9 have it
memori?ed& $#rned into my $rain.
9 imagine them hearing news of the atta%ks and taking %over& $#t there<s nothing they %o#!d
do to keep o#t the fa!!o#t'the air$orne %hemi%a!s. 9 wonder if the gir!s h#rt when it happened.
9 don<t wonder for m#%h !onger $efore 0y!an<s arms wrap aro#nd me and the to#%h makes
me %ringe. .y eyes !and on the d#!! $!onde hair !ying !oose on the $ed& and then on the arms
wrapped aro#nd the !itt!e gir!s. 6oving arms. Arms that were meant to %omfort& not h#rt. They
died knowing they were !oved. And may$e that<s not so $ad.
.y father died a!one in the street& %hoking on his own $!ood. 9 think these were $etter deaths
than his. So 9 a!!ow 0y!an to pi%k me #p and %arry me $a%k downstairs.
>hen he sets me down and sits $eside me& 9 don<t p#!! o#t of his arms& and 9 don<t shy away
as he wipes the tears from my %heeks& whi%h 9 rep!enish immediate!y. +e doesn<t say anything.
+e =#st p#!!s me to his %hest and to#%hes my hair #nti! 9 stop %rying.
9 don<t think those wi!! $e the !ast of the dead that we<!! %ome a%ross& and now 9 #nderstand
why 0y!an %overed the $ody in the woods so 9 %o#!dn<t see. 9 wonder how he fe!t when he saw
it.
0y!an yawns and wipes his eye. The hand that was in my hair !ands on my sho#!der and
stays there.
*0o yo# want to find another p!a%e to s!eep@ >e don<t have to stay here., +is voi%e is
gent!e.
9 %an<t find words& %an<t form my mo#th aro#nd them.
*Cori@, +e !eans $a%k& s%anning my fa%e& $#t 9 don<t ret#rn his ga?e.
*"o., 9 %!ear my throat. *>e %an stay here.,
9 rea!i?e it<s a!most evening& sin%e the day!ight is fading. 0y!an sinks a !itt!e farther into the
%#shions& and 9 make no effort to move away. 9 =#st fo!!ow him down #nti! he<s %omforta$!e.
9 don<t think he rea!i?es it& $#t he<s pi%king #p the ends of my hair and moving them in
%ir%!es. +e !ooks at me every so often.
9 fina!!y find words& $#t my throat is dry. 9 swa!!ow a few times. *0y!an@,
*Aeah@,
*Thank yo#.,
0y!an sits #p straighter& p#!!ing $a%k so he %an see my fa%e. +is eyes $e%ome more a!ert&
more a!ive. S#n!ight %omes in thro#gh the window at =#st the right ang!e to i!!#minate his !ips&
and 9 %an<t he!p $#t stare at them. +is eyes& after a!!& are m#%h too intense for me to !ook at.
+e rests his hand on my %heek& %aressing it with his th#m$. 9 fee! my eyes g!a?e over& and 9
%!ose them tight!y. *+ey&, he says. +is th#m$ passes over my %heek another %o#p!e of times. +e
says it again& even softer. *+ey.,
9 open my eyes and !ook right into his. +is hand stops for a moment $efore he p#!!s it away&
!etting the tips of his fingers tra%e the !ine of my =aw. +is eyes drift down to my !ips more than
on%e. Then with the side of his inde( finger& he !ifts my %hin. 9t<s ama?ing to think of the strong
wi!! and vo!ati!ity that 9<m known for& and then find myse!f #nder %omp!ete and #tter %ontro! of a
sing!e finger. 9 don<t say anything& and %o#!dn<t even if 9 wanted to.
*>hat are yo# thinking@, he whispers. +e !eans a !itt!e %!oser.
9 shake my head to %!ear it. *Too many things. Or may$e not eno#gh. 9<m not s#re.,
*9 don<t want to $reak o#r dea!& $#t..., he says& %a#tio#s!y. +e $ites his !ip. *Can 9 kiss yo#@,
&es brave& is a!! 9 %an think.
*9..., "othing e!se %omes o#t. 9 swa!!ow hard.
*Ta!k to me&, he en%o#rages& dropping his finger and to#%hing my hand instead.
*9 fee! %onf#sed., 9 p#!! away s!ight!y. +is re)#est definite!y vio!ates o#r dea!& $#t 9<m not
s#re 9 %are anymore. "ot after everything that<s happened. >hat<s a si!!y dea! among friends
who a!ready risk their !ives for ea%h other@ >hy do the arms that ho!d me at night need
$o#ndaries and r#!es in the day@
+e nods& and his sho#!ders droop a!ong with his %onfiden%e. This. This h#rt& this is e(a%t!y
why 9 needed $o#ndaries'why he doesn<t need to fee! this way.
*9s this a$o#t Tit#s@, he asks& defeated.
*"o., 9 s%off. *>hy wo#!d yo# think that@ "o.,
*9 saw yo# together., +e !ooks o#t the window at nothing whi!e 9 re%a!! Tit#s kissing me on
the forehead $efore r#nning to he!p #s es%ape. Right $efore... *9 know he %ared for yo#., 0y!an<s
eyes are dark& the s#n!ight a!most gone.
*"o& it wasn<t !ike that. 0y!an& yo# know 9 =#st... 9<m not s#re that ... 9 %an fee! that way.,
+is voi%e rises a !itt!e and grows defensive. *>hat did yo# fee! when yo# were with me in
that tree@ >hen yo# fe!! as!eep in my arms with yo#r !ips against my skin@,
*Ao# remem$er the tree@, 9 ask& st#nned that my se%ret was never a se%ret at a!!.
*9 woke #p so happy that day& $#t yo# were a%ting !ike yo# regretted it. So 9 p!ayed d#m$ to
give yo# a way o#t. B#t 9<m tired of fee!ing this way. 0esperate. A%hing. 9 want to $e in this
together.,
*9... 9<m =#st not... 9 don<t...,
*Then why did yo# !et me@ >hy didn<t yo# stop me the first time@, +is %heeks are f!#shed&
and there<s a deep %rease $etween his eye$rows as he $a%ks away.
*>e were in a treeD there was nowhere to goC,
+e drops his head to his hands and takes a deep $reath. 9 fee! daggers in my g#t& and 9
deserve them. >hy am 9 h#rting the on!y person 9 have@
*9<m sorry&, 9 say& taking his hand in mine. *9 was s%ared. 9<m sorry., 9 draw %!oser to him&
$#t he gra$s my wrists& ho!ding me at a distan%e.
*0on<t&, he says& his mo#th in a hard !ine. *"ot o#t of pity.,
*9 don<t pity yo#& 0y!an&, 9 say& trying to garner my strength& my %o#rage. +e<s $rave. 9<m
$rave. *9 want yo# to., 9 don<t know when 9 de%ided that. *9 want yo# to kiss me.,
+e sear%hes my eyes& his =aw tight. *Ao# mean it@,
*Aes., 9 press against his hands that ho!d me $a%k& trem$!ing again.
+e seems #n%ertain& $#t re!a(es the f#rrow in his $rows and !eans in& pressing his mo#th to
mine.
9.
0on<t.
Breathe.
/or at !east a h#ndred years& whi!e his !ips are sti!! against mine. +e !ets go of my wrists and
p#ts $oth hands against my ne%k& and they swa!!ow me #p. +ands so strong sho#!dn<t $e this
gent!e& $#t he to#%hes me !ike 9 %o#!d $reak& and 9 think 9 might. 9 think 9 will $reak.
>armth spreads a%ross my %hest& and the tension there oo?es away'the pain& too. 9 take the
deepest $reath 9<ve taken in ten years and !et it go with a heavy for%e $ehind it. 9<m free to
$reathe. And $eing with 0y!an is easy.
+e gra$s the $a%k of my ne%k and p#!!s me into a tight em$ra%e and 9 wrap $oth arms
aro#nd his $a%k& s)#ee?ing him.
+e kisses the %rook of my ne%k !ight!y& spreading his hands a%ross my $a%k and ho!ding me.
9 %!ose my eyes as his hands g!ide over my $a%k& %aressing me. Comforting me. )oving me.
>hen the s#n is gone& 0y!an !ifts me and ad=#sts #s so we<re !ying together with his $a%k
against the %#shion& and my $a%k against his %hest. There<s not as m#%h spa%e as a $ed wo#!d
have& $#t we make do. +e wraps an arm over me and my eyes get heavy.
This is far more %omforta$!e than the gro#nd or the inside of a tree.
There<s a so#nd 9 don<t re%ogni?e that the darkness p#!!ing me #nder won<t !et me fo%#s on.
9 want to !isten to it !onger& $#t 9 %an<t ho!d on. The !ast thing 9 remem$er $efore fa!!ing as!eep is
0y!an kissing my hair.
Chapter Fourteen
*Time to move&, 0y!an whispers& with a hand on my sho#!der.
9 open my eyes and take in the home fi!!ed with morning !ight. 9 $!ink a few times $efore
moving.
*>e need to find %!othes today& may$e some s#pp!ies& and then get $a%k on o#r way.,
*Aeah. Okay&, 9 say as p!easant!y as 9<m %apa$!e in the morning. 9 m#st say& it<s the $est
s!eep 9<ve had in years.
>e eat and drink again& then de%ide against going $a%k #pstairs and opt to try another home.
>hen we wa!k o#t the front door& 9<m s#rprised to see another row of near!y identi%a! homes
fa%ing #s on the other side of a sma!! street.
At the ho#se ne(t door& we peek in thro#gh the windows. >e %an<t te!! m#%h& $#t there
aren<t any $odies in p!ain sight& and that<s my on!y %riteria& rea!!y.
0y!an p#!!s the s%reen off the window and tries to s!ide it open. 9t takes a few p#shes $efore
it gives& $#t it fina!!y s!ides #p with a %reaking& s%raping so#nd. 0y!an moves the !a%y %!oth aside
and hoists himse!f in. +e t#rns $a%k toward me and p#!!s me in $y my armpits& the same way
Twig !ifted me. 9 for%e the tho#ght of him away.
On%e 9<m steady on my feet& the two of #s !ook aro#nd the home for a moment. 0y!an<s
hand !ingers on my $a%k& and 9 don<t ask him to remove it. 9 a!most don<t even f!in%h. A!most.
*Try #pstairs@, 9 ask him.
+e nods& $#t when 9 start for the stair%ase& he h#rries to get in front of me and !eads $y
severa! steps. +e %he%ks the first room we %ome to and keeps moving& making s#re he peeks
inside ea%h door $efore 9 do.
After !ooking in the third doorway& he %!oses it. 9 pass a $edroom& and a room with a desk&
then stand $eside him. 9 eye the %!osed door& %#rio#s!y& $#t 0y!an shakes his head and steers me
away from it.
9 don<t wonder why. 9 know.
The fina! door we %ome to !eads into a !arge room with the $iggest $ed 9<ve ever seen.
>ooden posts that stand at !east ten feet ta!! s#pport the frame. The !inens are d#sty& $#t 9 %an
te!! they were %omforta$!e and f!#ffy on%e. Best of a!!& there are no $odies.
9 wa!k into a %!oset that<s a!most the si?e of my $edroom in Anti#s. C!othing hangs a!ong
$oth sides& shoes !ine the f!oor& and $o(es are stored on she!ves a%ross the top.
9 %at%h a g!impse of myse!f in a mirror that<s as ta!! as 9 am. .y %!othes are fi!thy& $!oody&
and torn. There<s dirt on my fa%e& and my hair is $eyond he!p. The inse%t $ite is a!most
#nnoti%ea$!e nowD 9<m !#%ky it on!y $it me on%e.
9 f!ip thro#gh some of the %!othing and find a pair of pants that are made of thi%k& heavy&
$!#e fa$ri%. They fee! ro#gh& and 9 imagine they wo#!d offer good prote%tion.
9 hear water %ome on from the other side of the wa!! and r#sh to see. There<s an oversi?ed
$athroom with a giant t#$& a shower with g!ass wa!!s& and two sinks side;$y;side. The ti!es !ook
!ike stone& and the wood %a$inets are a deep red shade. 9t<s a!! d#sty& of %o#rse& $#t magnifi%ent
sti!!.
After a few min#tes& !ike ne(t door& the shower water r#ns %!ear.
*>ant to go first@, he asks me& and 9 nod. +e !eans in and kisses my forehead $efore !eaving
the room& and sh#tting the door. O#r affe%tion has passed the point of no ret#rn& and 9<!! s#re!y
never ask him to stop. 9f 9 %an stay o#t of my head& someday 9 %o#!d a%t#a!!y en=oy it as m#%h as
he does.
9 drop the %!ean pants on the f!oor& then s!ip o#t of my $oots& and pee! off my so%ks. 9 shed
my %!othes )#i%k!y& hopping on the %o!d ti!es on my tiptoes. 9 !and on a pat%h of fa$ri% on the
f!oor $eside the shower& and it<s warmer there. Rea%hing in& 9 fee! the %o!d water. Its better than
nothing.
9 step in and shiver as the %o!d water r#ns over me. I need to make this %uick, 9 think. 9 soak
my hair and !et the dirt wash down my $ody& r#$$ing my fa%e with my hands. 9 de%ide against
the soaps in the shower sin%e they are pro$a$!y to(i% or poisono#s $y now.
After 9<m shivering to the $one and 9<ve rinsed off as m#%h dirt as 9 %an& 9 step o#t of the
shower& !eaving it r#nning for 0y!an. 9 !ook aro#nd and rea!i?e )#i%k!y that 9 have nothing to dry
off with. 9 open a!! the %a$inets and find everything $#t towe!s. 9 h#ff& wiping my fa%e again.
>ater keeps dripping down from my hair.
9 dan%e over the %o!d f!oor and %ra%k the door eno#gh to peek o#t. *0y!an&, 9 say $ashf#!!y.
+e sits #p on the $ed& whi%h he<d p#!!ed the $!anket off and !aid down on. *Aeah@, he says&
an(io#s!y& his eyes wide.
*9 %an<t find a towe!.,
*Oh., +e opens another door ne(t to the %!oset and 9 hear a few %a$inets $eing r#mmaged
thro#gh. +e %omes to me with a towe!. 9 $a%k away from the %ra%k for him to pass the towe!
thro#gh and gra$ it. 9 sh#t the door )#i%k!y& hoping he didn<t see my f!#shed fa%e.
9 dry off and s!ide into the $!#e pants. 9 p#t my st#pid $ra $a%k on $#t rea!i?e 9 didn<t gra$ a
shirt.
9 stand in the doorway with my hand on the kno$ wearing pants that are insane!y oversi?ed&
and a towe! wrapped aro#nd my torso. 9 dried my hair as m#%h as 9 %o#!d& $#t it<s sti!! dripping. 9
!ook ridi%#!o#s.
0y!an stands $efore me with a new towe! in his hands.
*Ao#r t#rn., 9 try to smi!e. +e $r#shes past me& t#rning sideways to s!ide $y witho#t p#shing
me from the doorway. As he passes& he kisses my temp!e& and 9 think he sme!!s my hair.
9 don<t move for a moment& $#t when 9 g!an%e over my sho#!der& he<s p#!!ing his shirt off
and dropping it on the f!oor. +e<s not !ooking at me. B#t 9<m !ooking at him. +is hands drop to
the front of his pants and he #nsnaps the $#tton.
9 %!ose the door.
9 go $a%k to the sma!!er $edroom. A $ed& a desk with some kind of s%reen'may$e a
%omp#ter'a %hair& and a dresser. There are pi%t#res pinned to the wa!! of a teenage $oy posing
with other kids. 6arge artwork hangs on the wa!!s& as we!! as some words and designs drawn $y
hand with some sort of paint. 9t !ooks !ike s%ri$$!e to me.
9 open the midd!e drawer in the dresser and find a pair of $rown pants. They fit =#st right on
my hips& then $e%ome !ooser down the !egs& $#t taper in at the ank!e and stop at the right !ength.
They fit perfe%t!y. Im shaped like a boy.
The ne(t drawer ho!ds a $#n%h of t;shirts& most of them either $!a%k or gray. 9 pi%k the on!y
white one and s!ide it on over my head. 9<ve had eno#gh darkness over the !ast ten years& white
=#st fee!s $etter. 9t<s sn#g& $#t the !ong s!eeves wi!! keep me warm at night. 9t fee!s wrong to take
things& $#t 9 don<t think the kid wo#!d mind.
9 p!op onto the $oy<s %hair and d#st f!ies #p& making me %o#gh. After a!! that tro#$!e getting
%!ean& 9 sit down in dirt.
9 rake my fingers thro#gh my tang!ed hair and gather it in the $a%k for a ponytai! $#t rea!i?e
9 !eft the e!asti% in the $athroom with 0y!an.
9 stand and ro#nd the %orner $a%k into the ha!!way when 9 see 0y!an<s pani%ked fa%e in the
doorway. After a moment& he r#shes toward me and shoves my $oots into my hands. +e opens
the one %!osed door and shoves me inside $y my sho#!ders.
*>hat is it@,
*Shhh., +e fights his way into a fresh t;shirt. *9 think they fo#nd #s.,
*>hat@,
+e t#gs his shoes on and it takes a min#te for me to fo!!ow s#it. +e wa!ks to the window in
the tiny room'another $athroom 9 rea!i?e'and points o#tside. 9n the yard ne(t door& a gro#p of
"athan<s so!diers enter thro#gh the ho!e in the fen%e that 0y!an made and they mar%h toward the
ho#se with weapons drawn.
1ani% rises #p in my throat& and that<s when 9 see her'a woman !ying dead in the $atht#$
not three feet from me. 9 on!y know it<s a woman $e%a#se she was wearing a dress when she
died. +er fa%e is $one now.
Time es%apes me& !ogi% and pani% forgotten. 9 stand staring at her for the !ongest time $efore
0y!an gra$s my sho#!ders& for%ing me to !ook at him.
*>e have to hide&, he says %a!m!y.
*>here@, .y eyes drift $a%k to the $ody.
0y!an s#rveys the room. +e opens the %a$inets $e!ow the sink& and a tiny %!oset $y the
shower& $#t shakes his head. +e gra$s my hand and opens the door& peeking into the ha!!way.
9 fo!!ow his !ead& tiptoeing $ehind him toward the $oy<s room. 9 start to %!ose the door& $#t
he stops me. *"o. 9t<!! draw their attention., +e<s so m#%h smarter than 9 am. +e !ooks aro#nd
the room& trying to make a de%ision )#i%k!y. +is hand s!ips to the $a%k of his pants and he p#!!s
o#t a g#n& offering it to me.
9 stare at it. *>here<d yo# get that@,
*Off the so!dier in the woods&, he answers. *9 don<t know how to shoot.,
9 stare at the g#n for another moment $efore gra$$ing it& %he%king the %!ip& then %ham$ering
a $#!!et'my hands remem$er the motion more than my mind remem$ers the steps. 9 p#!! it %!ose
to my %hest and fo!!ow 0y!an toward the kid<s %!oset& whi%h e(tends sideways on either side of
the door. 0y!an shoves me inside and p#shes me toward the !eft& away from the opening. >e
shimmy $ehind %!othing and %!#tter& !eaving the %!oset door open as we!!. 9t fee!s wrong not to
%!ose it& $#t 9 think 0y!an<s right& it<s !ess %onspi%#o#s with them open sin%e every other door in
the home is a=ar.
0y!an pi!es some of the $ags and =#nk in the f!oor aro#nd o#r !egs to %on%ea! them& and 9
hope if someone %omes& they won<t $e a$!e to see #s. 9 a!ready know if they fo#nd the ho!e in the
fen%e& they<!! find the missing s%reen on the front window& whi%h we !eft open.
0y!an stands $etween me and the door with his $a%k to my %hest& and the g#n $etween #s. 9
think it wo#!d $e smarter if the one who %an #se a weapon was in front& $#t may$e 9 sho#!d =#st
!eave the *smart, department to 0y!an.
9 %o#!d at !east keep the weapon more handy& so 9 s!ide the g#n o#t from $etween #s. 9 wrap
my arm in front of 0y!an& ho!ding my finger near the g#n<s trigger. To keep myse!f steady& 9
p!ant my free hand on 0y!an<s side. +e !ays his hand on top of mine& and 9 rea!i?e that it<s his
hip& not his side. 9f 9 was ta!!er& or he was shorter& it wo#!d $e his side. +e %aresses the $a%k of
my hand for a moment !onger& then we hear them $reaking down the front door.
They<re not very s#$t!e& $#t& then again& they weren<t trained for tra%king.
.y heart is $eating so !o#d!y& 9 %an<t even hear 0y!an<s heavy $reaths anymoreD 9 =#st fee!
his %hest rise and fa!! against my g#n;hand. S#dden!y& 9 $e%ome woo?y& !ike the wor!d is %aving
in& and darkness is pressing in on me. 9 try to for%e my eyes to fo%#s on the %orners of the %!oset&
the she!f and $ar a$ove me& the %!othes in front of me. The water dripping down the $a%k of
0y!an<s ne%k. B#t it<s too dark in here. .y knees start to go weak and 9 find it hard to $reathe.
>hen my hands start trem$!ing& 0y!an gra$s my wrists and p#!!s my arms tight aro#nd his waist.
9 know he wo#!d say something if he %o#!d& and 9 try to imagine what that wo#!d $e.
/ootsteps e%ho thro#gho#t the home& and 9 sh#dder when they rea%h the top of the stair%ase.
0y!an s)#ee?es my wrists& 9 ass#me to keep my attention on him sin%e he %an<t speak.
6et it together& 9 ye!! inside my head. Dont get caught.
9 shake my head and !ay my %heek against 0y!an<s $a%k& !istening to his heart$eat. 9t<s fast&
$#t it<s steady& so 9 fo%#s on it. 9 time one $reath to every three $eats of his heart. 9 think every
fo#r or five $eats wo#!d $e $etter& $#t 9<m not re!a(ed eno#gh.
'alm down, 9 te!! myse!f& as the first set of $oots enters the $oy<s $edroom& easi!y %!ose
eno#gh to hear the $eating of my heart and raging $!ood inside my veins. S#re!y.
The man wa!ks a!! aro#nd the room and 9 wish 9 %o#!d see what he<s doing& see what he<s
!ooking at. Fnow if he<s onto #s.
As the steps grow nearer to the %!oset& 0y!an re!eases my hand that<s ho!ding the g#n. 9
ad=#st my grip aro#nd it& s!iding my inde( finger over the trigger. 9 ho!d it straight #p and down&
afraid that if 9 sti%k it straight o#t the man wi!! see it.
9 hear heavy $reathing in front of me and s)#ee?e 0y!an& wi!!ing him to stop& $#t when
0y!an s)#ee?es me $a%k& 9 rea!i?e the $reathing is not his. 9 draw my head away from 0y!an<s
$a%k =#st an in%h or two so 9 %an hear $etter& and $e ready to !ean aro#nd him if 9 have to aim and
fire.
O$=e%ts on the f!oor of the %!oset s%oot aro#nd& 9 ass#me the g#ard is p#shing them with his
feet sin%e his $reathing sti!! %omes from the spa%e in front of 0y!an. A$r#pt!y& hangers and
%!othes are shoved into 0y!an kno%king him off $a!an%e. +e !eans into me& his who!e $ody
tensed& and 9 p#sh against the wa!! $ehind me to keep him standing. 9f we fa!! and make noise&
we<re %a#ght.
>hen the hangers shift in the other dire%tion& 9 rea!i?e the so!dier was %he%king the %avity to
the right& and now he<s starting toward the !eft& toward us.
9 ti!t the g#n forward and $egin to !ean aro#nd 0y!an<s sho#!der to see& when a voi%e %a!!s
o#t. *They were here. "ot !ong ago.,
*>hat did yo# find@, the so!dier in o#r %!oset %a!!s $a%k witho#t moving away from #s.
*B!oody %!othes. >ater on the f!oor.,
/rom somewhere downstairs& another so!dier sho#ts& *There<s a $roken window a%ross the
street.,
At that& the man =ogs away from #s and down the stairs. *6et<s go., +is voi%e rever$erates
thro#gho#t the str#%t#re.
9 wait another min#te or two $efore re!easing a !ong e(ha!e and !owering my weapon. 9 t#%k
it in the $a%k of my waist$and as 0y!an s%oots forward a !itt!e. 9t gives me =#st eno#gh spa%e to
%over my fa%e with $oth hands& digging my fingertips into my forehead and pressing as hard as 9
%an to e(ert the energy pent #p in my arms.
9 fee! 0y!an t#rn toward me. +e gra$s my wrists and pries my hands from my fa%e. 9 $!ink&
and throw my head against his %hest& wrapping $oth arms aro#nd him and s)#ee?ing as tight!y as
9 %an. So tight!y it h#rts the wo#nds on my %hest& $#t 9 do#$t it h#rts him& so 9 don<t stop.
+e r#ns his hand over the $a%k of my head& whispering& *Shhh. 9t<s okay&, !ike 9<m fo#r;
years;o!d again and =#st saw a savage for the first time.
9t dawns on me that we haven<t %ome a%ross a savage and 9 haven<t even %onsidered the
possi$i!ity that we might. And we never saw a sing!e anima! in the woods& on!y one inse%t. 9
know some anima!s sti!! e(ist. B#t do savages@
*They<re gonna %at%h #s&, 9 whimper. *>hat are we doing@ >hat are we even thinking@,
+e p#!!s me away from his %hest to !ook at my fa%e and for a sp!it se%ond it makes me angry
to part with the %onta%t. *>e<re s#rviving& Cori&, he whispers. *>e<re gonna $e fine. Okay@,
*9 don<t even know where we<re going. And they<re on o#r trai! at every t#rn. And for the
!ove of Bod& why do yo# keep %ramming me into dark& tiny spa%es@,
0y!an<s fingers drift to my fa%e and he p#shes my =agged $angs& t#%king them $ehind my
ear. *9 want to make it. To s#rvive this. 0on<t yo#@,
*Of %o#rse& 9 do&, 9 answer& =arred $y the )#estion.
*Then !et<s do it. 6et<s make it. 9<ve never known yo# to give #p on something. So don<t.,
+e kisses my forehead& right $etween my eye$rows. *>e<!! find whatever it is yo#<re !ooking
for.,
9 soak in what he<s saying& $#t it =#st makes me rea!i?e& he never )#estioned me to $egin
with. +e never asked where we were headed or why. 9 never even to!d him a$o#t the in%ident
with the other %o!ony& whi%h is what we rea!!y are trying to find. B#t he never knew that& he =#st
fo!!owed my !ead $!ind!y. +e =#st tr#sted me. 9 haven<t earned that.
9 speak as soft!y as 9 %an. *They<!! ki!! #s& 9 know they wi!!. 9 wat%hed them s!a#ghter an
entire %onvoy.,
*9<m sorry yo# had to see that., +e ponders for a moment& and hesitates to speak a few
times. 9 meet his eyes& an(io#s to hear whatever it is he<s not saying. +e r#$s the tops of my
arms& gent!y. *They wo#!dn<t ki!! yo#. .e& may$e& $#t not yo#.,
9 f#rrow& %onf#sed& $e%a#se this is e(a%t!y opposite what 9 tho#ght. +e has to $e wrong.
+e<s =#st trying to %omfort me.
*Ao#<re important to them&, he whispers. Important7 "o. 9<m a tang!ed mess of horri$!e&
#nsta$!e& #ndesira$!e traits. >hat e!se %o#!d they possi$!y va!#e@ "othing. +es, hes trying to
com"ort me.
9 stare into the darkness of the %!oset& pondering things 9<d rather have !eft $ehind in Anti#s.
*>hy@,
+is hands !eave my sho#!ders. One drops to his side& the other s%rat%hes his eye$row. +is
fa%e %ontorts& !ike he<s str#gg!ing with what to say. *9 don<t know., +is =aw stays tight and his
!ips $are!y move.
9<m not the smartest person& $#t 9<m nothing if not instin%t#a!. And 0y!an is !ying.
9 %!ear my throat. *>hat are yo# not te!!ing me@,
*Cori& p!ease., On!y in%hes separate #s $#t he<s sti!! not to#%hing me. +is hands =#st hover
somewhere near my head.
*"o. Te!! me why 9<m important to them. Ao# seem to know something 9 don<t. 1!ease.,
*"ow is not the time for this %onversation. 9<!! te!! yo# anything yo# want on%e we<re safe.
/or now& %an yo# p!ease =#st tr#st me@,
Tr#st is a f#nny thing& and it tends to %ome and go !ate!y. 9 have p!enty of reasons to tr#st
him. +e saved my !ife& for e(amp!e& and he was a!ways a !oya! friend. 9 tr#!y $e!ieve he %ares for
me. B#t a!! the whi!e there<s a nagging in the $a%k of my head& reminding me that this is "athan
B#rke<s son. And may$e that<s why he a!ways seems to know so m#%h.
9 %an<t !et myse!f think that way. 0y!an is a!! 9 have.
*9 tr#st yo#.,
After an eternity and a ha!f of si!en%e $etween #s& his hands event#a!!y find their way $a%k
to my sho#!ders& moving #p and down as tho#gh warming me even tho#gh 9<m not %o!d.
>e %raw! o#t of the %!oset& s!ow!y& )#iet!y. >e pa#se at the door to !isten. 9 ass#me he<s
making s#re none of the g#ards !ingered here when the rest !eft.
>e hear nothing& $#t he<s making me nervo#s& so 9 rea%h $a%k and to#%h the g#n to make
s#re it<s se%#re.
0y!an !eads the way down the stairs& and 9 try my $est to tread soft!y& whi%h is tri%ky in
$oots. On%e downstairs& we d#%k $y the front windows. 0y!an s!ides the fa$ri% aside to !ook o#t.
*9t<s pro$a$!y safest for #s to stay here., +e !ets the fa$ri% fa!! and !ooks at me. *They aren<t
!ike!y to %ome $a%k sin%e they a!ready %!eared this spot.,
*Okay. Sho#!d we hide anyway@,
*H#st stay !ow& and )#iet. 9f we %an find some $a%kpa%ks and something to ho!d water& we
%an get ready to move after the so!diers !eave.,
9 take a $reath and start for the stair%ase when the ring of a g#nshot stops me in my tra%ks.
Chapter Fifteen
0y!an p#!!s me down $eside him and !ooks o#t the window. +e rea%hes $ehind me and taps
the g#n in my waist$and. 9 draw it $efore !ooking o#tside.
9n the midd!e of the road& one of "athan<s so!diers is on his knees& g#n in hand& with a knife
in his %hest. A yo#ng man with !ight skin and $!a%k hair stands over him& retra%ting the $!ade.
Behind the yo#ng man is a sma!! army& or may$e gang wo#!d $e a $etter word. 9 take in the
sight of them with my mo#th hanging open. They wear dark %!othing& vests and shirts %#t off at
the sho#!der. Their hair is greasy and shaggy& and they have dark markings on their skin. Every
sing!e one has a $!ade in his hand. These men are not from the other %o!ony.
9n the dire%tion they<re %oming from& severa! homes in a row have doors $#sted in that
weren<t !ike that this morning. 6arge pi!es of $!ankets and goods are sta%ked in the street as a
few more stragg!e o#t with their hands f#!!. >hen they see the %onfrontation #nfo!ding in front
of #s& they drop their !oads and p#!! their own knives.
The other fo#r Anti#s so!diers emerge from the ho#se a%ross the street& their g#ns drawn.
One so!dier sp!its off toward the $ody in the street and 9 re%ogni?e him. +e<s the gr#ff $oss from
the woods.
The pa%k s%atters& anti%ipating atta%ks of the so!diers. One of the so!diers $o!d!y steps o#t
front with his g#n trained on his atta%kers. +e tries to p#!! the trigger& $#t his g#n =ams. 9n the
moment it takes him to register the pro$!em& he<s swarmed $y the dark;%!othed men and 9 %an<t
see what happens to him ne(t.
The remaining so!diers manage to take down three of the $!a%k;%!othed men $efore a knife
f!ies thro#gh the air and into the so!dier<s %hest.
Another g#y atta%ks a so!dier from $ehind and kno%ks his g#n from his grip. The so!dier
throws a p#n%h& $#t it<s f#ti!e& the g#y sta$s him in the $a%k& and then the %hest. >hen he p#!!s
the $!ade away& the $ody s!#mps to the gro#nd.
The other two so!diers fire more ro#nds #nti! their g#ns are o#t.
/o#r of the dark;%!othed g#ys approa%h the $oss& who has taken his fa!!en %omrade<s
weapon. 9 tho#ght he was seeing to his fa!!en so!dier& $#t he was =#st taking his g#n. Boss t#rns
toward the approa%hing atta%kers and fires his own g#n and the one he took. +e hits a sho#!der
here& a thigh there& $#t more g#ys %ome his dire%tion. Two different g#ys snat%h the g#ns from
his hands and sim#!taneo#s!y shoot him in the head.
A s)#ea! es%apes me and 9 %over my mo#th with my hand& $reathing hard. Tears $!#r my
vision as 9 wat%h them drop the g#ns on the gro#nd and wa!k away.
9 didn<t see what happened to the other so!diers& $#t 9 %o#nt a!! five $odies on the gro#nd.
>ith my hand sti!! pressed to my mo#th& 9 !isten to the th#mping of footsteps on the street. 9
fina!!y dare another peek& and there are even more men o#t there than 9 tho#ght. 9 see the yo#ng
men again& ta!king amongst themse!ves and a few %!eaning their $!ades on their pants. B#t in the
$a%k of the pro%ession 9 fina!!y see o!der men. Compared to the physi)#es and m#s%!es of the
yo#nger ones& these men !ook weak. B#t they $are!y !ook !ike men at a!!. Their eyes are s#nken
in and dark& their heads are $a!d& and there are m#??!es strapped a%ross their fa%es. Apart from
the m#??!es& 9 re%ogni?e them.
Savages.
They are far more terrifying in person than they were in my nightmares. As 9 start to
trem$!e& 0y!an s%oops me #p and r#ns #p the stairs. 9 think for a moment that may$e he<s taking
me to the room with the giant $ed so 9 %an fa!! as!eep'or wake #p& 9<m not s#re whi%h'and end
this nightmare.
>hen he d#%ks into the $oy<s $edroom& 9 rea!i?e 9<m wrong'it<s $a%k into the %!oset we go.
9 hate this %!oset.
/or the !ongest time& my heart$eat and $oth o#r heavy $reathing& and the $!ood $eating
against my temp!es are the on!y things 9 %an hear. 9 wi!! myse!f to %a!m down& to fo%#s& to !isten&
$#t it<s no #se.
Before 9 have any %!#e that anyone has %ome #p the stairs and into this room& 0y!an is =erked
o#t of the %!oset. A d#!! th#d and something s!#mping to the f!oor in the ha!! makes my stoma%h
sink.
Two hands wrap aro#nd me& snat%h me from the %!oset& and toss me to the f!oor. 9 see
something whipping thro#gh the air& and then 9 see nothing at a!!.
E E E
Two !ights shine on me. >ith my eyes s)#inting to ad=#st& my mind ra%es trying to fig#re
o#t where 9 am. 9 remem$er $eing str#%k& $#t nothing after that. >herever 9 am now& 9 don<t
re%a!! the =o#rney.
Everything inside the room is $!a%k or gray& most!y made of meta!. On the far wa!! is a !ine
of windows that are $!a%ked o#t and near!y thirty feet #p. "ot a via$!e es%ape.
A man %!ears his throat. 9 !ook #p& my head a%hing. The $!a%k;haired yo#ng man from the
street atta%k sits $a%kwards in a %hair fa%ing me. .y fingers drift to my forehead and find
something %r#sty on my skin. 9 rea%h into my hair!ine and win%e when 9 to#%h the wo#nd. 9 ro!!
onto my side $efore sitting #p to fa%e him.
*+e!!o& !ove!y., The yo#ng man winks at me. +e !ed the atta%k on those so!diers& so 9 take
him to $e important& tho#gh he hard!y !ooks o!d eno#gh to !ead anyone.
A%ross the room& 0y!an %o#ghs& getting my attention. 9 g!an%e side!ong at him& $#t keep the
yo#ng !eader in %!ear view. /rom what 9 %an te!!& 0y!an is #nharmed and he<s not $eing
restrained. +e<s simp!y sitting with his $a%k against a wa!! and his knees drawn in front of him.
*.y name is Ty%e., +e !ooks me over with an eye$row %o%ked.
*Bood for yo#.,
+e !a#ghs so !o#d it e%hoes thro#gh the ho!!ow so#nding room. Brinning& he s%rat%hes his
top !ip and shakes his head. +e g!an%es over his sho#!der at 0y!an. *She<s feisty& man. 6ove it.,
0y!an nods& $#t doesn<t ret#rn the grin. Ty%e ret#rns his attention to me. *9 tho#ght yo# might
introd#%e yo#rse!f. 9t wo#!d $e the %ivi!i?ed thing to do.,
*Ao# r#n with savages& 9 didn<t think %ivi! was a trait yo#<d %are for.,
*9s that what they %a!! #s@, +e sti!! smi!es despite the s#$=e%t matter.
9 fee! st#pid and hope the $!#sh in my %heeks doesn<t show in this dark room.
*+mm., +e r#ns his hand thro#gh his shaggy& $!a%k hair& whi%h is wet& 9 pres#me from a
re%ent shower. 9 a!most !a#gh at the tho#ght of savages $athing. *So. 9<m s#re yo# know we
ki!!ed a gro#p of so!diers in front of the ho#se where we fo#nd yo#. 9 don<t have any good
reason not to ki!! yo#& too& =#st for asso%iation. B#t 9 have a g#t fee!ing a$o#t yo#.,
+e f!ashes me a pensive !ook p#t on for show it seems& as 9 %an sti!! see a hint of a smirk.
Regard!ess of his ta#nting& he<s des%ri$ing instin%t& and that 9 #nderstand. There<s a %han%e he
won<t ki!! #s. After a!!& they %o#!d have ki!!ed #s $a%k in that ho#se.
*0id yo# know them@, he asks.
9 %o#!d !ie& to avoid the asso%iation with them& $#t he won<t $e!ieve me. And 9 don<t know
what 0y!an has a!ready said& so 9 opt for the tr#th. 9 meet 0y!an<s eyes to %onfirm it& and he
nods& ass#ring me.
*They were %hasing #s.,
*Bood gir!., +e smi!es. *+onesty is good for o#r re!ationship& kiddo., ;id7 +e %an<t $e a
year o!der than me. *And what did they want from yo#@,
*9<m not s#re& $#t pro$a$!y to ki!! me. 9 have a kna%k for pissing off their !eader.,
*9 wo#!d imagine that<s tr#e&, he winks again& seeming p!eased. *So. >hat& my dear& $rings
yo# to my ne%k of the woods@ Or more a%%#rate!y& The City@,
0y!an %!ears his throat. >hen 9 !ook at him& he shakes his head.
*>e didn<t know where to go& so we =#st started wa!king.,
Ty%e<s fingers toy rest!ess!y over the hand!e of the $!ade atta%hed to his hip. *8n!#%ky that
they tra%ked yo# so easi!y., +e stands& and 9 rea%h for a g#n that isn<t there& sighing when 9
rea!i?e it.
*A!! right& sit tight. 9<!! $e $a%k., +e seems to %onstant!y swit%h $etween smi!ing and
s%ow!ing& and 9 %an<t see whi%h sti%ks on%e he t#rns his $a%k to me.
>hen he !eaves the room& 0y!an %omes to me. 9 start to stand& $#t rea!i?e 9<m $o#nd to the
wa!! $y my ank!e.
*>hy am 9 %hained #p and yo#<re not@,
*On the way here yo# woke #p and atta%ked one of them. Ao# tried to %!aw his eyes o#t.,
+e sits $eside me.
9 find $!ood #nder my fingernai!s and %an<t he!p $#t smi!e =#st a !itt!e. *9 don<t remem$er.,
*They hit yo# again.,
9 !ean my head against the wa!!.
*9 don<t think they want to h#rt #s&, he says& sitting down $eside me. +e !eans against the
wa!! with his head %o%ked $a%k& !ike mine. One of his !egs'the one farther from me'is $ent
with his knee toward the %ei!ing& and his hand draped over it& %as#a!!y. The other !eg sti%ks
straight o#t from his $ody. The other hand is f!at on the f!oor $etween his hip and mine.
+is $reaths grow steady& $#t when 9 g!an%e at him& his eyes are wide open.
*Are yo# a!! right@, he asks.
*9<m fine&, 9 ass#re him& pro$a$!y #n%onvin%ing!y. .y head is a f!#rry of tho#ghts. Savages
still e9ist, and they slaughtered #ntius soldiers. And the ki%ker'Dylan lied to me.
9 !ook down at his hand on the f!oor thinking that 9 !ike that hand $etter when it<s to#%hing
me. And may$e if he was to#%hing me& 9 %o#!d #nderstand what<s going on in his head. 9
%onsider gra?ing the top of his hand with my fingertip.
*9s now a $etter time for that ta!k@,
+e re!eases a deep e(ha!e s#dden!y& *"ot rea!!y.,
9 s%oot %!oser& and when 9 do& he opens #p his post#re toward me =#st a !itt!e& the set in his
=aw re!a(ing. 9 !ay my head on his sho#!der and %o%k my hips toward him& so my knees rest
against his thigh.
9 sho#!d $e angry. 9 sho#!d fee! $etrayed $e%a#se he<s keeping something from me. 9 try to
te!! myse!f it<s pro$a$!y not a $ig dea!& whi%h is why he<s not speaking #p& $#t he was too
nervo#s& too agitated for it to $e nothing. 9 sho#!d $a%k #p and p#!! my head away from his
sho#!der. B#t now& after a!! he<s done to $reak down my g#ard& 9 don<t think 9 %an re$#i!d it. Or
may$e 9<m =#st too e(ha#sted to do so. And too e(ha#sted to stay angry.
9<ve to#%hed 0y!an a !ot !ate!y& and a !ot of the time it was for him& $#t 9 think this time is
for me. >e a!most got ki!!ed today. >e %o#!d get ki!!ed at any moment. Something in knowing
that gives me a greater sense of #rgen%y& !ike 9 have to keep him %!ose. 0y!an tr#sted me and my
es%ape p!an $!ind!y'if one %an even %a!! it a p!an'and now it<s my t#rn to tr#st. And 9 want to&
$#t 9 don<t think 9 %an !et it go. This is important.
0y!an fina!!y pi%ks #p his hand from the f!oor and !ays it on my knee& !etting his forearm !ie
against my !eg. 9 rea!i?e& seeing them side;$y;side& that his forearm is a!most as !arge as my
thigh. 9t makes me want to !a#gh& $#t my head h#rts too m#%h.
9 !oop one arm #nderneath his and sett!e in with $oth hands aro#nd his $i%ep& and press my
forehead against his sho#!der& hiding my fa%e from him. +e s)#ee?es my knee a !itt!e tighter&
with his forearm pressing into my !eg.
9 kiss his sho#!der& and even thro#gh his shirt 9 %an fee! his warmth on my !ips. That<s when
he gra$s me and p#!!s me %!ose to his %hest. +e keeps one hand on my head and wraps the other
aro#nd my $a%k& s)#ee?ing me. 9 don<t know that 9<!! ever grow tired of his em$ra%e.
9 ti!t my head #p to see his fa%e& and what<s !eft of the tension 9 saw in his e(pression $efore
me!ts away when 9 kiss the edge of his =aw. The hardness in his eyes is gone. The softness in his
!ips has ret#rned. And now my 0y!an is $a%k.
+is !ips find mine !ike they were never meant to $e apart. "o one ever showed #s how to do
this& o#r !ips =#st know. 9<m awed $y the fa%t that growing #p in a p!a%e %ontro!!ed with !aws and
r#!es& mind;a!tering dr#gs& and %r#e!ty hasn<t %hanged in #s what is nat#ra! to the h#man ra%e.
>hat resi!ient %reat#res we are.
And what a remarka$!e %reat#re 0y!an is.
/or the first time 9 rea!i?e that my h#manity might $e more important than my freedom. 9
$#i!t myse!f #p& with a!! my $o#ndaries& to operate !ike a ma%hine. 9 was no more h#man than
"athan<s drones& 9 =#st happened to have a re$e!!io#s streak.
*>hat does "athan want with me@,
*Ao#<re not going to !et it go& are yo#@,
*9 %an<t., 9 sit #p straighter& $#t a!!ow my hands to !inger on his arm. *1!ease. H#st te!! me.,
+e rakes his hand thro#gh his hair& m#ssing it. 9t<s not norma!!y !ong eno#gh to do anything
to& $#t it<s grown o#t a !itt!e& whi%h is #n#s#a! of Anti#s ma!es. 9 wonder if anyone noti%ed he
was overd#e for a hair%#tD 9 %ertain!y didn<t. 9 kind of !ike it this way& tho#gh.
*They took f!#id from yo#r $rain& something on!y yo#r $rain prod#%es. They don<t know
why yo#rs does& $#t they fo#nd o#t a$o#t it when yo# first arrived. They #se it in severa! of their
dr#gs.,
9 $a%k away from him& not rea!!y meaning to& 9 =#st don<t know how to rea%t.
*>hat@, 9 knew 9 was different& $#t 9 did not know that. +ow %o#!d 9 not know@
*9<m sorry 9 never to!d yo#. 9 wanted yo# to get o#t of there& and 9 was worried yo#r
%#riosity wo#!d get the $etter of yo#. 9t<s over now. >e !eft a!! that $ehind.,
*9 was a s%ien%e pro=e%t@, 9 stare at the f!oor& trying to re%a!! the memories of my time in the
!a$. Trying to remem$er when they %o#!d have gotten this f!#id from me. .ay$e on my ann#a!
%he%k #ps@ 9 don<t remem$er getting p#t #nder that many times. 9 rea%h to the %hip in my ne%k&
wondering if they took some when they insta!!ed it. The tho#ght of a need!e in my head makes
me si%k.
*9s there anything e!se@, 9 !ook #p at him& eager for more information. 9 tho#ght 9 had that
p!a%e fig#red o#t& $#t it<s so f#!! of se%rets 9 didn<t have a %!#e. 9 move %!oser to him& rea!i?ing
none of this is his fa#!t. 9 promised not to p#nish him for things he didn<t do.
>e hear movement $y the door and something shifts o#tside it. 0y!an p#!!s me %!ose and
whispers& *Be honest with them& $#t don<t give away too m#%h. 9f we give them a reason not to
tr#st #s& they<!! pro$a$!y ki!! #s.,
As Ty%e wa!ks in& sti!! a!one& 0y!an and 9 separate and sit #p.
*Te!! me a$o#t yo#rse!f& Cori.,
*>hat do yo# want to know@, 9 r#$ my %hin& trying to !ook %as#a!. 9 pro$a$!y !ook !ike an
idiot.
*9 want to know if yo#<re a threat. 9 want to know if we sho#!d tr#st yo#.,
*A threat@ To yo#@, 9 !a#gh.
*Ao#<re o$vio#s!y important eno#gh to them that they wo#!d %hase yo#. 9<d !ike to know
why.,
*9 don<t know why., 9 wo#!dn<t $e !ying right now if 9 hadn<t pressed 0y!an for that
information. 9t<s so fresh on my mind& 9<m !ia$!e to s%ream it o#t& $#t 9 don<t think this is
something 9 sho#!d te!! Ty%e. 9 ki%k myse!f for p#shing 0y!an.
The tension in 0y!an<s =aw ret#rns as Ty%e !ooks at him. *>e are not a threat to yo#& $#t the
peop!e fo!!owing #s are.,
*>e ki!!ed them. Are there more@, Ty%e sits on the %hair the way he had $efore.
*There wi!! $e., 0y!an swa!!ows hard. *They<!! find #s within a day if we stay p#t.,
*That so@,
0y!an points to the %hip in his ne%k. *She has a tra%ker., +e nods toward me. *9t transmits
on%e a day& ear!y every morning.,
*>hat@, 9 stare at him with wide eyes. *+ow have they not %a#ght #s@,
*9t<s not the $est signa!& and sin%e it on!y transmits for a moment& it $rings them to a genera!
area at $est.,
Ty%e<s hand drifts not so s#$t!y to his knife. *So yo#<re $ringing an enemy to o#r doorstep.
>hy sho#!dn<t 9 =#st ki!! her@, 9 sho#!d $e frightened& $#t for some reason& 9 don<t fee!
threatened despite what he<s saying.
*9t wo#!d sti!! transmit& so yo#<d want to take her $ody far away from where yo# !ive& and
yo#<d want to do it $y morning., 0y!an referring to me as a *$ody, sends a wave of %o!d thro#gh
my $ones. 9 don<t know if 9 sho#!d hit him or %ry. A!! a!ong& they were on o#r trai! $e%a#se of
this thing in my ne%k.
*That %an $e arranged&, Ty%e says& with his hand aro#nd the knife hand!e. B#t he smirks
anyway. *B#t 9 sense that a smart g#y !ike yo# might have a $etter idea.,
0y!an %!ears his throat. *9f 9 %an remove it& 9 %an dea%tivate it. 9<!! need steri!e too!s& and a
$right !ight.,
*>hat<s the point of a tra%ker that on!y transmits on%e a day@, Ty%e asks& $#t 9 was
wondering the same thing myse!f.
*Their deve!opers m#st not $e very good., +e<s !ying again. 0y!an is a te%hno!ogy
deve!oper& and he is very good. B#t this time& 9 don<t mind the !ie. The !ess information we give
Ty%e& the $etter. 9 think.
*And what a$o#t yo#r devi%e@, Ty%e taps the p!a%e on his ne%k where a %hip wo#!d $e.
*9 dea%tivated it short!y after it was insta!!ed.,
Ty%e seems to $e %onsidering the information& and 9 %an<t te!! if he<s $#ying it. +e stands
and thr#sts his hands in his po%kets. *>e don<t have any fan%y anesthesia or anything., +e nods
and !eaves the room.
E E E
9 !ie on a wooden ta$!e in the midd!e of a wareho#se& a!! $!a%k inside =#st !ike the room we
were he!d in. 9t reminds me of the one my father and 9 hid inside $efore the savages %hased #s
onto the roof. Aro#nd the edges of the room& the other men go on a$o#t their $#siness. Some of
them wat%h #s& most of them don<t.
9n the %orner& a yo#ng g#y groans and another !a#ghs at him& %!apping him on the sho#!der.
9t takes a min#te for me to fig#re o#t what everyone aro#nd them is !ooking at. An o!der man
seems to $e sta$$ing him& $#t when 9 !ook %!oser 9 rea!i?e he<s on!y tapping the sharp o$=e%t into
the kid<s skin& !eaving a trai! of $!a%k ink where it to#%hes. This m#st $e how they a!! get those
designs on their skin.
Ty%e approa%hes 0y!an. *>i!! the !ight do@,
*>hat is that@, 9 ask& nodding to the $oy in the %orner.
*Betting his first tat. >ant one@, +e grins.
*"o., 9 g!an%e down at his arms and wonder how m#%h it h#rts. 9 don<t ret#rn the smi!e.
*The !ight is fine&, 0y!an ass#res Ty%e.
One of Ty%e<s $oys'9 rea!i?e now they<re a!! yo#ng& pro$a$!y twenty and #nder'ho!ds a
!ight a$ove my head. Another g#y& $rown;headed and may$e fo#rteen& ho!ds my hair away from
the %hip& and when 0y!an to#%hes my =aw to p#sh my head to the side& the kid ho!ds me sti!!.
0y!an keeps his voi%e =#st !o#d eno#gh for me to hear. *9<m sorry& 9 %an<t n#m$ the in%ision
site.,
*9 know., 9 grit my teeth.
The $!ade fee!s i%e %o!d against my f!esh and it stings $eyond $e!ief. 9 $ite down hard& $are!y
keeping a groan from t#rning into a s%ream.
0y!an s!i%es into the skin aro#nd my %hip& and it fee!s !ike he<s shredding the f!esh. 9 didn<t
!ook $efore he started& $#t now 9<m wondering what the he%k he<s %#tting me with. 9t fee!s !arger
than a s%a!pe!& not that 9 wo#!d e(pe%t these peop!e to have s%a!pe!s.
On%e he<s satisfied he<s %#t away eno#gh skin& he starts t#gging on the %hip& and 9 rea!i?e
it<s m#%h $igger than what showed thro#gh the skin. Something deep inside my head t#gs and 9
fina!!y re!ease a s%ream& and the $oy ho!ding my head tightens his grip.
*9<m going to have to %#t this&, 0y!an says over his sho#!der. 9<m in too m#%h pain to ask
what it is.
Someone hands him a knife& and 9 hear him sawing something& $#t 9 don<t think he<s %#tting
me. >hen he gets thro#gh whatever it is& something snaps $a%k into my head and the press#re
disappears. B#t not the pain.
9 fina!!y !ook and see 0y!an ho!ding a devi%e three times the si?e of the pie%e that had $een
on the s#rfa%e. >hen he drops it in a !itt!e $ow!& it makes a p!ink so#nd and for some reason& 9
!ose %ontro! of my stoma%h. 9 vomit over the edge of the ta$!e somewhere near the !ight g#y<s
feet. The !ight f!i%ks away from me as he dodges the p#ke.
0y!an ho!ds my sho#!der. *6et me stit%h it& and then we<re done.,
9 nod& and the in%ision stings. 9t fee!s !ike gaping hole wo#!d $e more appropriate than
incision $#t 9 %an<t see it& so may$e it<s not as $ad as it fee!s.
By the time the need!e pri%ks my skin and thread p#!!s it tight& it<s near!y n#m$& or at !east
9<m $!o%king it o#t somehow.
9 !ie sti!! on the ta$!e !ong after he<s done. +e takes the $ow! and %hip somewhere& and when
he ret#rns simp!y says& *+ow do yo# fee!@,
*8m., .y mo#th is %ottony and pro$a$!y sme!!s wret%hed. *>ater@,
*Ty%e& %an she have some water@,
A moment !ater& 0y!an e(tends a %#p to me. 9 prop #p on one e!$ow and take it& sipping
%a#tio#s!y. S#re!y they wo#!dn<t poison me after a!! this tro#$!e.
*9s there a restroom@, 9 ask no one in parti%#!ar.
9 sit #p and ignore the p#dd!e of my $!ood on the ta$!e. A g#y with $rown hair steps #p.
0espite his $a$y fa%e& he has markings #p and down his arms& too. +e a!so has fresh s%rat%h
marks on his %heeks. 9 $!#sh a !itt!e as he gest#res for me to fo!!ow him. 9 don<t want to know if
that<s the one 9 atta%ked& $#t he pro$a$!y is.
*9<!! show Ler., Ty%e steps #p and the $oy wa!ks away.
Ty%e !eads me down a dark %orridor to a door. +e !eans %as#a!!y against the doorframe&
!ooking me over. A moment !ater& he opens the door and ti!ts his head for me to go in.
9 enter %a#tio#s!y& $#t it is& in fa%t& a $athroom. Tho#gh the mirror is dingy and warped& 9 see
the in%ision site& swe!!ed and $!oody. 9 t#rn on the fa#%et and wet my hands $efore wiping the
$!ood away. >hen 9<m satisfied my ne%k is as %!ean as 9 %an get it& 9 address the $!ood on my
forehead and gent!y wash off the wo#nd on my s%a!p. 9 swish water aro#nd in my mo#th hoping
to rid it of the awf#! after;vomit taste.
>hen Ty%e takes me $a%k to o#r room& 0y!an is a!ready there& a!ong with a pi!e of $!ankets
and pi!!ows& whi%h sits in the midd!e of the f!oor.
The door !o%ks $ehind me& and 9 rea!i?e we<re sti!! te%hni%a!!y $eing he!d %aptive.
0y!an stands with his hands in his po%kets ne(t to the $edding. >hen 9 wa!k toward him& he
rea%hes for me. 9 wrap my arms aro#nd his waist and ti!t my head #p so 9 %an whisper'9 don<t
know who might $e !istening'and he $ends down so 9 %an rea%h his ear.
*+ow m#%h of what yo# said was tr#e@,
+e kisses my forehead. *A$o#t ninety per%ent.,
*>hat a$o#t the other ten@, +e strokes my hair. *Stop distra%ting me. Te!! me the tr#th., +e
p#!!s his hands away from my hair and !ays them on my sho#!ders. 9 want to p#sh him away #nti!
he spi!!s it& $#t 9 don<t know if we<re $eing wat%hed. 9 don<t want them to see #s fighting. B#t
there has to $e more& it seems there a!ways is.
0y!an h#ffs& his $ody tense against me. */ine. Ao#r transmitter on!y fires on%e a day
$e%a#se yo#r $ody sh#t down every devi%e w', +e %!ears his throat. *Every devi%e they tried
that transmitted %onstant!y or more fre)#ent!y. Ao#r $rain sensed the e!e%tri% p#!se& and yo#r
$ody atta%ked the devi%e. Ao# wo#!d %onv#!se& yo#r heart rate wo#!d soar& among other things.
The most they %o#!d get yo#r anatomy to a%%ept was a !ow;fre)#en%y devi%e with a minima!&
dai!y transmission.,
*>hen did a!! that happen@, 9 wonder if this has something to do with the imm#nity "athan
ta!ked a$o#t when 9 got my %hip. 0y!an sho#!dn<t know anything a$o#t that& #n!ess they $riefed
him on my entire history for the short time he was in Chemistry $efore transferring to Te%h. B#t
why wo#!d they tr#st him with that information@
+e h#ffs again& and 9 think he<s getting tired of a!! my )#estions. *>hen yo# %ame in for
yo#r imp!ant& they kept yo# #nder for three days. Ao# woke #p thinking it was the same day& $#t
it wasn<t., +e s%rat%hes his %hin. *The rest was tr#e.,
Sensing the %onversation is over& 0y!an spreads o#t the $!ankets on the f!oor& making two
distin%t and separate pa!!ets a %o#p!e feet apart& ea%h with one pi!!ow.
9 %raw! into the pa!!et %!oser to the door. 9 don<t see what 0y!an does& $e%a#se 9 t#rn away
from him and sett!e in. The !ights are sh#t off from the o#tside. (ver since we le"t the compound,
I havent had a sleepless night. 9 drift off in no time.
E E E
A voi%e says my name. A moment !ater& a hand to#%hes my sho#!der. 9 open my eyes&
s#dden!y a!ert& and gra$ a wrist& =erking the hand away from me. 9 !o%k eyes with Ty%e. *0on<t
to#%h me.,
+e ho!ds #p $oth hands to demonstrate that he<s not trying to h#rt me. 9 re!ease his wrist&
shoving it away. *Sorry L$o#t that. 0idn<t mean to s%are ya.,
+e $a%ks #p and p!ops into the wooden %hair& $#t this time sitting frontward& with a foot
propped on the edge. +e fidgets with the hem of his pants& and he !ooks m#%h yo#nger this way.
Behind him& there<s a s!iver of !ight %oming in thro#gh the open door. Beside his %hair&
there<s a tray of food on the f!oor.
Ty%e r#ns his fingers thro#gh his hair and p#shes it away from his fa%e. *+ow ya ho!din<
#p@,
*9<m fine.,
*That was a pretty gnar!y thing he took o#t of yo#. +e s#re seems to know a !ot a$o#t
them.,
9 sit #p. *.mm., 9 press my !ips together and try to !ook apatheti%.
*>here are yo# from& Cori@,
>itho#t fa%ing him& 9 r#$ my eyes. *9<m from Anti#s. Ao# know that.,
9 %an<t see %!ear!y eno#gh& $#t 9 think he smirks. +e points to 0y!an. *&e ... is from Anti#s.
B#t you ... we!!& yo#<re nothing !ike him.,
*>hat do yo# mean@,
9 g!an%e over at 0y!an& whose $reaths are deep and steady.
*+e<s even;tempered& inte!!igent& %a!%#!ated. +e strikes me as the type of g#y who<s on!y
ever known %aptivity.,
*Ah., 9 don<t want to $e intrig#ed& $#t 9 am.
*B#t yo#., +e !eans forward in his %hair. *Ao#<re !ike a $ear in a %age. A!! instin%t. Ao#<re
ta%ti!e. Ao#<re animal. Ao#<re not that different from me and the savages 9 r#n with., +e says
the !ast part mo%king!y. *+ow<d the kid get wrapped #p in whatever it is yo#<re doing@,
*Es%aping Anti#s@,
+e nods.
9 think !ong and hard how to answer. 9 don<t think honesty wi!! he!p me now. Ty%e is trying
to appea! to me& whi%h means he wants to tr#st me.
*9 needed his he!p., 9 $ite my !ip& hating admitting need& even if 9 am !ying. *So he he!ped
me es%ape& $#t something went wrong& and he had no %hoi%e $#t %ome with me.,
*Ao# tr#st him@ >hat if he<s the reason it<s so easy for them to tra%k yo#@ +e is one of
them& yo# know., 9 remem$er that 0y!an is "athan<s son $#t fee! g#i!ty as soon as 9 %onsider it.
+e<s not !ike his father.
*9 am& too.,
+e !a#ghs )#iet!y. *0on<t !ie. Ao#<re not one of them& and yo# don<t need anyone.,
*Ao# ask a !ot of )#estions.,
*9<d !ike to know who 9<m dea!ing with., +e narrows his eyes at me.
*So wo#!d 9.,
*Okay& kiddo. >hat wo#!d yo# !ike to know@, +e r#$s his pa!ms on his pant !egs.
9 take a deep $reath& not s#re how to ask witho#t so#nding st#pid. B#t now 9 know he
doesn<t think 9<m smart& anyway& so why $other trying to so#nd !ike 9 am@ *The older men we
saw...,
*The savages@, +e grins.
9 nod& not s#re how to phrase the a%t#a! )#estion. +e spares me the t#rmoi!.
*They are h#man $eings&, he says& so#nding irritated. *They<re =#st damaged. The effe%ts of
the $om$s never wore off %omp!ete!y'th#s the masks'$#t they sett!ed down. And their
offspring did not inherit their disease., That e(p!ains why the yo#ng ones are norma! and the o!d
ones are not. *And o#r offspring is #ninfe%ted& too.,
*Ao# have %hi!dren@, 9 %an<t keep my mo#th from gaping open.
*9 fathered a tot when 9 was fifteen. 9 wo#!d have fathered more& $#t my mate was ki!!ed
whi!e e(pe%ting o#r se%ond.,
9 !ook at my hands& fidgeting with my fingernai!s. 9 don<t have a rep!y.
Ty%e %!ears his throat. *>hy did yo# $ring him with yo#@, +e<s more for%ef#! this time.
9 g!an%e over my sho#!der at 0y!an again. 9 won<t $etray him. *9 wanted him to %ome. +e<s
my $est friend. And yes& 9 tr#st him.,
+e waits a few moments !onger& pondering my rep!y& 9 g#ess. +e s%rat%hes his knee and
rakes his hand thro#gh his hair again. +e<s no good at sitting sti!!& that<s for s#re.
*A!! right& then., +e rises and wa!ks toward the door =#st as s#n!ight $egins to po#r thro#gh
%ra%ks in the $!a%kened g!ass. +e t#rns $a%k toward me. *&is peop!e ki!!ed her. She was
defense!ess and a!most nine months pregnant. Ao# te!! me who the savages are.,
9 %an<t !ook at him. 9t was so easy to =#dge him& to ass#me the worst. B#t he<s =#st as h#man
as 9 am. .ay$e even more so.
*9 hate them& too& yo# know., 9 g!an%e sideways at him. +e !eans against the doorway&
%rossing his arms.
*.ay$e 9 %o#!d de!iver yo# to them& sin%e yo#<re so spe%ia!. 9n e(%hange for them !eaving
#s the he!! a!one.,
*Even if they agreed& they wo#!dn<t honor it., .y %hest tightens& and my pa!ms sweat.
*Ao#<re pro$a$!y right&, he says.
The door %!oses and 9 !ook $a%k to 0y!an. +e t#rns on his side toward me& groggi!y. +e
s)#ints at me thro#gh eyes swo!!en from s!eep& propping himse!f on an e!$ow.
*+e %o#!d keep yo# safer than 9 %an. Ao#<d $e smart to side with him.,
*0on<t $e ridi%#!o#s&, 9 s%off& $#t his words $o#n%e aro#nd in my sk#!!. +oud be smart to
side with him. 9 drop my head $etween my knees and %over it with $oth hands.
9 didn<t wake #p with a heada%he.
9 !ift my head and to#%h it in different spots& %he%king for press#re or pain. Something sti!!
fee!s off& $#t it doesn<t h#rt. 9t<s h#rt every day sin%e ... sin%e 9 got my %hip. The %hip is gone& the
heada%he is gone. 9 wonder what<s sti!! inside that 0y!an %o#!dn<t remove& $#t whatever<s !eft is
not the so#r%e of those heada%hes& and 9<m gratef#!.
Chapter Sixteen
0y!an doesn<t speak for a whi!e after we finish eating what Ty%e !eft #s. >hat the food
!a%ked in f!avor& it made #p for in freshness. Bread and so#p.
*Ao# sho#!d %onsider p!aying a!ong. Ao# wanted to find other peop!e& yo# fo#nd them.
A%%epting yo# wo#!d mean prote%tion. And food.,
9 don<t respond.
*9 know 9 wasn<t part of yo#r p!an.,
*1!ease stop., 9 s%rat%h the $a%k of my head and my hand gets st#%k in a tang!e. 9 t#g my
fingers thro#gh it& ripping o#t a tiny %!#mp of hair and dropping it.
+e wa!ks over. *9 =#st..., +e knee!s $eside me. *9 want yo# to $e safe. 9f it<s the on!y way
',
*9t<s not., 9 gra$ his hand. *9t<s not.,
A !o%k %!i%ks on the other side of the door& and 0y!an p#!!s me to my feet. Ty%e steps in&
!ingering in the doorway. *A word with yo#& Cori@,
0y!an ho!ds my hand& shifting his $ody s!ight!y in front of mine.
*Oh& gimme a $reak& man. 9<m not gonna h#rt her.,
*9t<s okay., 9 s)#ee?e 0y!an<s hand then s!ip o#t of his grip.
On the other side of the door& the kid with the s%rat%hes on his fa%e s%ow!s at me. Ty%e
waves him away& and he !eaves #s.
*>e need to move. 0on<t !ike to stay p#t too !ong., +e r#$s his %hin& !ooking over his
sho#!der. *The others don<t tr#st yo#& $#t 9 do. +opef#!!y 9<m not wrong.,
*Thanks@,
*Ao# vo#%h for him@ +onest!y., +e seems on edge& $#t sti!! as %onfident as a!ways.
*9<m not going anywhere witho#t him. 9f yo# don<t want #s aro#nd& !et #s go. >e won<t
fo!!ow yo#.,
*And where wi!! yo# go@, 9 rea!i?e he<s awf#!!y %!ose to me. +e<s speaking so soft!y 9 have
to !ean toward him to hear.
*9 heard there was another %o!ony.,
+e takes a deep $reath. *Ao#<d fit in with #s yo# know. >e<d !ook o#t for yo#. 9f yo#<re
with #s& yo#<re fami!y. >e prote%t fami!y.,
*A $oy or a gir!@,
*>hat@, +e raises an eye$row.
*Ao#r %hi!d. A $oy or a gir!@,
One %orner of his mo#th p#!!s #pward. *A gir!.,
*She<s !#%ky to have yo#., 9 to#%h his arm and !inger there. +is eyes fo!!ow my hand& so 9
don<t think he noti%es my fa%e straining from the %onta%t. *H#st !et #s go. 1!ease.,
Ty%e %omes even %!oser& and 9 $a%k into the wa!!. +e f!attens his hands ne(t to my
sho#!ders& %aging me in. >hen he ti!ts his head down so that his mo#th is somewhere near my
ear& 9 rea!i?e he<s )#ite a $it shorter than 0y!an& $#t sti!! ta!!er than me.
The designs on his skin stret%h in strange ang!es over the tensed m#s%!es in his arms whi!e
his heavy $reaths warm my %heek.
*9t<!! take #s a few ho#rs to pa%k #p. >e<!! %ome get yo# when it<s time to move. >e<!! take
yo# to the edge of The City and point yo# in the dire%tion of a %o!ony %a!!ed .er%y.,
*0o yo#..., 9 swa!!ow hard. *Fnow them@,
+e p#ts his hand on my hip& s)#ee?ing it tight!y& aggressive!y. *>e trade with them. 9 think
yo#<!! find them kind., 9t hadn<t o%%#rred to me that they might not $e kind. And it sho#!d have.
Stupid girl.
*Thank yo#&, 9 whisper. Any !o#der and my voi%e wo#!d shake. 9 %an<t !et him know he<s
making me nervo#s& and not $e%a#se 9 fear for my safety.
The tip of his nose gra?es my %heek$one one dire%tion& and then the other. Then his !ips
tra%e the same path. .y $reath st#tters o#t. 9 don<t know if he smi!es $e%a#se my eyes are %!osed
and my head is ti!ted the other dire%tion.
+e takes my em$arrassment as an invitation and kisses the part of my ne%k 9<ve e(posed.
+is hand !eaves my hip and gra$s the side of my ne%k whi!e he kisses a path toward my =aw. 9
win%e when his fingers to#%h my stit%hes& and he moves his hand to the side of my fa%e witho#t
missing a $eat. And it<s anything $#t gent!e. 9t<s anima!.
*Sorry., There<s definite!y a smi!e in his voi%e. +e kisses a!ong my =aw& and then my %hin.
And then my !ips.
And then 9 sigh.
*0y!an is !#%ky to have yo#., +is hands $oth press against my !ower $a%k& p#!!ing me
toward him& and then =#mp to my wrists. >hen 9 !ook down& 9 rea!i?e 9<m %!#t%hing his shirt in
$oth fists. 9 !et go. *9 =#st tho#ght yo# sho#!d know what yo#<re missing. 9t<s on!y fair., +e
winks and p#!!s $a%k& $#t it isn<t far eno#gh. 9 sti!! %an<t $reathe. *Ao# %an go $a%k in now.,
*9 need a& #m ... 9 need a min#te., 9 s)#ee?e my eyes %!osed and shake my head.
Ty%e p#!!s his shirt $a%k into p!a%e& smoothing it down with his %a!!o#sed hands.
9 point toward the restroom. *9<m =#st gonna...,
+e nods& and 9 =og to the $athroom. Sp!ashing water on my fa%e& 9 try to shake the $#tterf!ies
in my stoma%h. That was not fair. +e #sed my $ody !ike a weapon against me.
>hen my heart rate gets ha!fway $a%k to norma!& 9 mar%h $a%k down the ha!! and don<t meet
his eyes when 9 rea%h the door.
*Think it over.,
9 wa!k thro#gh the door& and it !at%hes $ehind me.
*>e<re !eaving in a few ho#rs. They<re going to !et #s go., 9 %an<t !ook at 0y!an. +e<!! see it
in my eyes& he<!! know.
The $!ankets are fo!ded& and the pi!!ows sta%ked atop them. +e was $#sying himse!f. 9
fina!!y sneak a g!an%e his way. +is forehead g!istens with sweat& and his =aw is tight& his fists
%!en%hed.
*0id he h#rt yo#@,
*"o& of %o#rse not., .y voi%e %omes o#t %hiding.
+e wa!ks toward me& his sho#!ders stiff. *0id yo# make some kind of dea!@ Are there any
terms@,
*"o& there<s no dea!., 9 wa!k toward him& too& sti!! !ooking anywhere $#t 0y!an<s fa%e.
Anywhere $#t those pier%ing& knowing eyes.
*So they<re =#st letting #s go@, >e $oth take s#%h s!ow steps toward ea%h other it takes
forever to meet in the midd!e.
*Aes., >e stand on!y a foot apart now& and 9 s%rape the dirt from #nder my fingernai!s.
*Cori.,
*+mm@,
+e d#%ks his head& p!a%ing his fa%e dire%t!y in my !ine of sight& for%ing me to !ook him in the
eye. *9s everything okay@,
/kay is not a word 9<m %onfident in right now& seeing as 9 %an<t seem to re%on%i!e the person
9 fe!t !ike standing in the ha!! with Ty%e and the person 9 fee! !ike now in front of 0y!an. Are they
the same person@ 9s one wrong and one right@ One good& one $ad@ Or simp!y two different
versions of myse!f@
*Everything<s fine., 9 smi!e as $ig as the shame wi!! a!!ow then rea%h for his waist&
wrapping my arms aro#nd him. >ith my head against his %hest& he %an<t see the t#rmoi! $ehind
my eyes. There sho#!dn<t $e any t#rmoi!D 9<ve made my %hoi%e. 9 %hose 0y!an. That sett!es it.
E E E
A kno%k at the door start!es #s $oth. 9t<s sti!! daytime& $#t 9<m not s#re for how m#%h !onger.
The ho#rs that passed sin%e 9 %ame $a%k in were a%%ompanied $y id!e affe%tion and p!enty of
si!en%e. 8n!ike Ty%e& 0y!an<s to#%h doesn<t make me nervo#s. "ot anymore.
Ty%e waves for #s to fo!!ow him. +e !eads #s swift!y down the %orridor that !eads into the
main spa%e of the wareho#se. A!! of his $oys and men are gathered& pa%ked #p& and armed with
$!ades. They share not;so;s#$t!e g!ares with #s& $#t 9 ignore it. 0y!an gra$s my hand and keeps
%!ose.
Ty%e<s voi%e fi!!s the $#i!ding. *"o one to#%hes them. 8nderstood@, The responses range
anywhere from groans to shr#gs.
Two yo#ng g#ys remove a heavy $ar from the door and open it. >hen the men start to move
o#t& we fo!!ow %!ose $ehind Ty%e.
They move down the %enter of the street in a pa%k& !ike they did in the neigh$orhood. Their
weapons are drawn !ike they e(pe%t tro#$!e. 9t<s pro$a$!y wise& and 9 wish 9 was armed.
A high;pit%hed wai!ing noise rings thro#gh the air& and someone $#mps into me. 9 !ook
every dire%tion. *>hat was that@,
Ty%e grins over his sho#!der. *Those are wo!ves.,
0y!an gawks& *Anima!s@,
*The City<s f#!! of Lem. Sewers most!y., +e gest#res for #s to keep moving.
9t<s hard to keep tra%k of the dire%tions and distan%es $e%a#se o#r path seems errati%& tho#gh
9<m s#re it<s not& as these peop!e seem to know e(a%t!y where they<re going. 9n the distan%e& the
ta!!est $#i!ding<s 9<ve ever seen gra%e the sky!ine. Some of them are even made of g!ass& tho#gh
many of them are torn a%ross the top or ho!es $!own o#t the sides. This %ity m#st have $een a
target in the war.
9<m drawn to the ta!! str#%t#res $y sheer %#riosity& $#t we %#t to the !eft& and 9 !ose sight of
their ma=esty. The %rowd ha!ts in front of a !arge& !ight;%o!ored dome ha!f the si?e of Anti#s<s
inner property. 9 try to pi%t#re what this type of $#i!ding was for as one man $reaks off toward a
$#i!ding a%ross the street. .oments !ater& other yo#ng men emerge en%ir%!ing teenage gir!s and
yo#ng %hi!dren. The men move aro#nd the o#ter edges& with the women and %hi!dren in the
%enter of their formation. 9t<s fas%inating& and it<s $ea#tif#!.
These peop!e are not monsters. /ar from it. At the tho#ght of them& 9 g!an%e over my
sho#!der at the savages $ringing #p the rear. 0espite the safety meas#res'the m#??!es'the
!ook in a!! their eyes is that of pea%e. Somehow& 9 #nderstand what Ty%e meant. These men were
forever a!tered& and the effe%ts have !eft their $odies dangero#s even tho#gh somewhere inside&
their so#!s are inta%t& and they don<t want to h#rt any$ody.
9f it weren<t for the pitter;patter of feet r#shing toward me& 9 wo#!d keep o$serving them& as
my s#dden %#riosity far o#tweighs my haste in !eaving The City. 9 g!an%e down to find the
so#r%e of the so#nds.
A !itt!e gir! with dark hair and the $rightest $!#e eyes 9<ve ever seen p#shes her way thro#gh
the %rowd with a yo#ng woman %!amoring after her. The todd!er gra$s aho!d of my pant !eg as
she passes me and she s!ams into Ty%e<s !eg& her head rea%hing $are!y higher than his knee. She
wraps her arms fier%e!y aro#nd his !eg& s)#ea!ing.
+is fa%e $rightens as he pi%ks her #p& throwing her into the air and %at%hing her with his
$r#tish hands. She gigg!es and s)#ee?es her eyes %!osed when he kisses her %heek. +e<s ro#gh
with her& $#t the $ond $etween them is tender and $ea#tif#!. 9 %an hard!y imagine him as the
vio!ent savage 9 saw ki!!ing those so!diers =#st days ago. Today& he<s a !oving father& nothing
more.
*Sorry&, the yo#ng woman says& rea%hing for Ty%e<s da#ghter. She has !ong hair that fa!!s in
ratted %#r!s over her e(posed sho#!ders. +er shirt hangs down on $oth sides revea!ing more skin
than 9 think 9<d ever $e %omforta$!e showing. .ost of the gir!s !ook !ike her with %!othes ranging
from too $aggy to skin tight. Their hair is messy !ike hers& and none of them have ponytai!s !ike
the women in Anti#s. There<s something wi!d a$o#t them $#t something free a$o#t them& too.
*"o worries& 9<!! %arry her a whi!e., +e kisses his da#ghter again. 9 have an #rge to ask her
name& $#t stif!e it. Then he throws her onto his sho#!ders and she wraps her tiny hands aro#nd
his %hin& ho!ding tight!y. >ith his hands on her !egs& steadying her& he nods for the gro#p to keep
moving. 9 %an<t he!p $#t smi!e seeing the way they<ve fo#nd simp!e =oys despite this %o!d& %o!d
wor!d.
>e<re $a%k on o#r way& and after a %o#p!e of $!o%ks& the s#n $egins to set. Ty%e $reaks
away from the gro#p& passing off his $ea#tif#! $a$y gir! to the %#r!y;haired %aretaker. >hen the
gro#p t#rns !eft& Ty%e !eads #s straight.
After a few pa%es& he stops and spins toward #s. +e p#!!s a g#n from the $a%k of his pants&
and 9 re%ogni?e it. 9t<s the one they took from me. +e !ooks me in the eye& and 9 s!ip my hand o#t
of 0y!an<s. Ty%e f!ips the g#n $a%kwards in his hand and gives it to me. After 9 %he%k the %!ip
and %ham$er& 9 st#ff it in my pants. Ty%e fa%es 0y!an& p#!!ing a knife and e(tending it to him&
hand!e first.
*Feep on this street #nti! it ends. Bo that dire%tion #nti! yo# rea%h the river. Ao#<!! see the
$ridge to the !eft. Bo over the highways& and do not go in the t#nne!s. Cross the $ridge and keep
movin< ti!! yo# rea%h a set of train tra%ks. /o!!ow them to the right.,
*And then@, 0y!an asks& trying& dis%reet!y& to ad=#st his grip on the knife to !ine his fingers
#p with the ridges on the hand!e.
*And then 9<m pretty s#re they<!! %ome to yo#., Ty%e winks at me& and 0y!an snorts and
r#$s the $a%k of his ne%k.
*Ao# s#re a$o#t this& kiddo@, Ty%e smi!es at me as if 0y!an doesn<t e(ist.
9 s!ip my fingers in $etween 0y!an<s and smi!e $a%k. *9<m s#re.,
At that& Ty%e nods and =ogs toward his peop!e. 9 %a!! after him& *9 meant what 9 said. She<s
!#%ky to have yo#.,
*"o&, he sho#ts. *9<m !#%ky to have her., +e waves& $efore disappearing aro#nd a %orner.
0y!an s)#ee?es my hand and t#gs me toward the $ridge& whi%h 9 %an $are!y make o#t in the
twi!ight. "ow that 9<m not distra%ted $y Ty%e and his %rew& 9 soak in The City aro#nd #s.
Everything is dark and d#!!& and the fading s#n!ight i!!#minates $roken windows& $ashed in
doors& and p!enty of r#$$!e and fire damage. "ot to mention the $#i!dings that are $are!y ha!f
what they #sed to $e'$efore whatever happened here.
9 make s#re to keep #s in the %enter of the road& thinking if that<s what the savages do&
there<s pro$a$!y a reason. 9 sti!! hear the wo!ves how!ing distant!y and sh#dder to think what e!se
waits in the darkness.
0y!an& 9 noti%e& s)#ee?es the hand!e of the dagger so tight!y his kn#%k!es t#rn white.
*0o yo# want to trade weapons@,
+e !ooks down at me& for%ing a smi!e. *"o& it<s fine.,
*9 think we sho#!d pi%k #p the pa%e. >e<re !osing s#n!ight., 9 s#rvey the area and !et go of
his hand to =og. +e keeps #p easi!y.
Somewhere $ehind #s& another noise fi!!s the air& and it<s not the wo!ves. 9t<s a higher
pit%hed& shri!! so#nd& seeming to %ome from high a$ove.
The so#nds of o#r $oots on the pavement e%ho thro#gh the street& $o#n%ing off the ta!!
$#i!dings on either side. The shrieks $e%ome !o#der& the so#r%es growing %!oser. A pani% s#rges
thro#gh me as 9 fina!!y re%ogni?e it'$irds.
9 g!an%e over my sho#!der at the sky and don<t see any $irds in f!ight& $#t 9 sti!! hear them
getting %!oser. As the !ast $it of s#n!ight dips $ehind the hori?on& my eyes ad=#st and fo%#s on the
s#rro#nding $#i!dings.
Birds r#n a!ong the rooftops& =#mping from !edge to !edge& and $#i!ding to $#i!ding. H#st !ike
the ones that atta%ked #s in the training dri!!& these %an<t seem to f!y.
0y!an and 9 stop in o#r tra%ks $oth gawking at them. 9 rea!i?e this is the first time 0y!an has
ever seen an anima!.
*Bo&, 9 whisper& trying not to remem$er the pain from my !ast r#n;in with $irds.
0y!an doesn<t move& he =#st stares at them& his mo#th hanging open. 9 gra$ his arm and
s)#ee?e hard. *0y!an& r#nC,
One foot after the other and 0y!an right $eside me& 9 sprint with everything 9<ve got toward
that $ridge. 9 have no idea what<s on the other side'it %o#!d sti!! $e more of the %ity& and more
anima!s'$#t for now that<s the on!y goa! we have. 3ust get to the bridge.
>hen we<re a$o#t a $!o%k from a giant street& whi%h 9 pres#me to $e the highway Ty%e
spoke of& 9 noti%e the $irds are =#mping to !ower !edges& getting %!oser to the gro#nd. 9f they !and
on the street& 9 know we %an o#tr#n them& so there<s no way they %an h#rt #s.
9 !ook over my !eft sho#!der whi!e drawing my weapon& and when 9 !ook $a%k& 0y!an is
tripping over something in the road. >hen he hits the gro#nd& a $ird dives off a !edge toward
0y!an.
9 aim the g#n and p#!! the trigger. The $ird goes !imp& fa!!ing ne(t to 0y!an<s head. +e
%overs his head& knife sti!! in hand then =#mps to his feet and !eads the way to the $ridge.
.ore $irds dive after #s $#t miss& hitting the gro#nd $ehind #s. They s%ream and wai! the
most #nnerving so#nds 9<ve ever heard& $#t they grow )#ieter. 9 don<t !ook $a%k& $#t 9 %an te!!
we<re !osing them.
9n the %orner of my eye& 9 noti%e a %reat#re on fo#r !egs %oming o#t of the shadow& $#t it
d#%ks away when it sees #s.
>hen we hit the highway and the $#i!dings are $ehind #s& 9 $reathe a sigh of re!ief& $#t 9<m
sti!! not ready to stop r#nning. And 9 pro$a$!y won<t #nti! we<re !ong o#t of this %ity.
>e %#t !eft and =og toward a ye!!ow $ridge s#spended $y meta! %a$!es. On!y a !itt!e water
wets the gro#nd in the river $e!ow& $#t from the em$ankments& 9 ass#me the water #sed to $e
m#%h deeper.
1artway thro#gh the $ridge& we s!ow to a steady =og& $#t keep moving. 9 keep my weapon
drawn& and 0y!an keeps his hand firm aro#nd his $!ade.
*>hat&, he h#ffs& *were those@,
*Birds& 9 g#ess., 9 !ook #p at the meta! %ords that r#n a!ong the framework of the $ridge. 9
see shadows of things per%hed on them& $#t they aren<t moving. 9f they<re $irds& 9 don<t think
they<re the same kind.
*Aren<t $irds s#pposed to f!y@,
*.#st $e m#tated. 9 don<t think they %an spread their wings., >ith that tho#ght& 9 pi%k #p
the pa%e again. 9 don<t want to risk them %at%hing #p.
+a!fway a%ross the $ridge& the road is shattered and we !eap over %ra%ks and ho!es. The
farther we get& the $igger the ho!es get. 9t s!ows #s tremendo#s!y& $#t 9<m %onfident the wa!king
$irds aren<t fo!!owing anymore& or if they are& they %an<t keep #p.
>hen we get a !itt!e farther& the road has $een $!own o#t %omp!ete!y& and the gap is far too
wide to =#mp over. 9 st#ff the g#n $a%k in my pants. *>e have to %!im$.,
*1erfe%t., 9 don<t think 9<ve ever heard sar%asm in his voi%e $efore& $#t it<s kind of
refreshing.
0y!an st#ffs the knife in a %argo po%ket $y his knee and gra$s a giant %a$!e on the side of the
$ridge& testing it for sta$i!ity& and $egins to %!im$ whi!e 9 inspe%t a separate %!#ster of %a$!es
near$y. A!ong the !ength of the $ridge& these %a$!es are $#n%hed in fo#rs& and seem to $e made
of stee!. 1!enty st#rdy. At the top& the %a$!es are an%hored into a pipe that rises and fa!!s in two
giant peaks. >e<re in $etween the two& where the s#pport $eam dips !owest.
9 !at%h onto one and $egin to %!im$& too. 9t stings my hands after a few reps #pward& and 9
#se my feet to he!p %arry my weight. B!an%ing down at the gro#nd too fre)#ent!y& 0y!an !a$ors
#p the %a$!es ne(t to mine& ho!ding two of them !ike the sides of a !adder witho#t r#ngs& as
opposed to my te%hni)#e of %!im$ing a sing!e %a$!e !ike a rope. 9 don<t know if he has ever
%!im$ed anything& $#t he hand!es his weight we!!. The %!oser we get& the more the dark shadows
%ome into view. They are definite!y $irds& $#t 9 have no idea what kind.
*Stop !ooking down.,
+e !a#ghs nervo#s!y. *S#re. Okay.,
An eternity !ater& 9 rea%h the top a$o#t a min#te $efore 0y!an does. A $ird rests dire%t!y
a$ove me on a thin pie%e of %a$!e. 9t !ooks at me for a !ong moment& and 9 ho!d my $reath&
an(io#s for its rea%tion to me. Then the $ird t#rns its head away& as if de%iding 9<m not a threat. 9t
got #p here somehow& so 9 ass#me that this kind %an f!y. 9<m g!ad it<s not aggressive !ike the
wa!king ones.
*"eed a min#te to rest@,
*"o& !et<s =#st get this over with&, he h#ffs.
9 nod and rea%h for the po!e that the %a$!es are $o!ted into. 9n%h $y in%h& 9 s!ide a%ross the
meta! and ho!d onto the ne(t %a$!e 9 %ome to and rest. 9t gets harder as we move $e%a#se the
$ra%e goes #pward from where we first got on& grad#a!!y !eading #s higher toward a s#pport
tower. 9t seems to go against !ogi% to go farther from the gro#nd& $#t it<s o#r on!y option.
.oving forward means moving #p. >e<re sti!! over the gaping ho!e& so 9 keep going. .y hands
a%he& every kn#%k!e on fire. 0y!an weighs twi%e as m#%h as me& so 9 %an<t imagine how hard it is
to ho!d himse!f #p $y his fingertips.
*Ao# sti!! with me@, 9 don<t risk !ooking $a%k from s#%h a v#!nera$!e position.
+e gr#nts. *A!ways., A shaky $reath es%apes him. *>herever yo# go& 9<!! go.,
>e pa#se at every %a$!e we %ome to& wrapping o#r !egs and e!$ows aro#nd them and resting
o#r hands. 9t takes five more %a$!es $efore 9<m hanging a$ove pavement again& and it =#st so
happens to $e the highest %a$!e& right $efore the s#pport tower& so it<s a !ong way to the gro#nd. 9
wipe sweat from my $row& then head down. 0y!an s!ides a%ross the fina! divide& so 9 !ook #p at
him whi!e 9 shimmy downward.
H#st $efore he rea%hes the %a$!e& one hand s!ips and he dang!es $y fo#r fingertips. 9 gasp and
rea%h o#t as if 9 %o#!d %at%h him if he fa!!s. Before his remaining fingers give way& his other hand
!at%hes onto the %a$!e and 9 gasp& ree!ing from the s#dden pani%. +e m#m$!es something #nder
his $reath 9 %an<t )#ite make o#t.
The %!im$ down is easy& $#t 9 s!ip a few times and my hands sting when 9 %at%h my grip
again. On%e 9<m a$o#t fo#r feet off the gro#nd& 9 give #p the shimmying and =#st !et go& !anding
hard and dipping forward to %at%h my $a!an%e.
9 move o#t of the way whi!e 0y!an %!im$s the !ast of the distan%e down& and he doesn<t =#mp
#nti! he<s a foot off the gro#nd. 9mmediate!y& he drops to his knees& his hands e(tending a%ross
the street. +is head dips $etween his arms whi!e he $reathes heavi!y. 9 r#$ his sweat;%overed
$a%k to %omfort him.
The rest of the $ridge is a $ree?e $y %omparison& and event#a!!y it !eads #s onto a street that
goes thro#gh an area with tons of ho#ses& seeming!y %rammed in side;$y;side in rows. .ost are
pi!es of r#$$!e& with a few that are fire;damaged $eyond repair. 0i!apidated %hain;!ink fen%es
$are!y stand& and the sidewa!ks are %r#m$!ed.
A$o#t a $!o%k !ater& the neigh$orhood ends a$r#pt!y with p#re destr#%tion. R#$$!e and
de$ris !itter the gro#nd as far as the darkness a!!ows #s to see& and !itera!!y not a sing!e $#i!ding
sti!! stands $efore #s. The devastation takes me $a%k& reigniting the pain 9 fe!t when 9 fo#nd the
fami!y with the !itt!e gir!s. 9t<s on!y when 0y!an takes my hand in his& giving it a gent!e s)#ee?e&
that 9 keep moving. >ith The City $ehind #s& we head straight o#t from the $ridge !ike Ty%e
instr#%ted.
*Ao# s#re a$o#t this@, 0y!an fina!!y asks after starting to speak and stopping a$o#t a
h#ndred times.
*A$o#t what@,
*Boing where the g#y said., 9 noti%e he doesn<t #se Ty%e<s name. *9 don<t know if we
sho#!d tr#st him.,
*+e said the same thing a$o#t yo#., 9 take the opport#nity to rest& and h#n%h down&
steadying myse!f with my fingertips on the gro#nd. Crossing the $ridge has taken a !ot o#t of me&
$#t 9 %an<t say that<s the on!y thing s!owing me down. *8s#a!!y 9 %an te!! when peop!e are !ying
to me. And 9 don<t think he was., 9 !ook at him to see how he<!! respond. B#t he doesn<t. *>hat
was it yo# said when we were #p there@,
+e %onsiders it for a moment. *L>herever yo# go& 9 wi!! go.< 9t<s from the Bi$!e.,
*Ao#<ve read the Bi$!e@,
*Aeah& 9 ... saw it on yo#r devi%e when yo# had me fi( it& and 9 was %#rio#s. 9 had a Bi$!e on
my reader& too.,
*+ow does the rest of it go@,
*L0on<t ask me to !eave yo# and t#rn $a%k.<, +e knee!s $eside me& %opying my post#re.
*L>herever yo# go& 9 wi!! goD wherever yo# !ive& 9 wi!! !ive. Ao#r peop!e wi!! $e my peop!e& and
yo#r Bod wi!! $e my Bod.< R#th said it.,
*9t<s !ove!y., 9 p#sh some dirt aro#nd with my fingertips& staring $!ank!y into the !ines 9
draw a$sent!y. 9t o%%#rs to me that this dirt !ike!y %onsists of more than =#st that& so 9 stop.
+e knee!s $eside me. *>hy didn<t yo# stay with them@,
*They wo#!d<ve ki!!ed yo#.,
*9s that the on!y reason@, +e !ooks at the dirt 9<m no !onger drawing in.
9 !ook at him. *9 don<t know.,
*>e!!& whatever the reason& thank yo#. Ao#<ve saved my !ife too many times. And yo#
don<t owe me that., 9<m either too distra%ted to de%ode his message& or 9 simp!y don<t want to.
*Ao#<re we!%ome.,
E E E
>e )#i%k!y find the train tra%ks& $#t a massive pi!e of earth =#st past them %at%hes o#r
attention. 9t<s dark& so it<s hard to =#dge its si?e. >e %!im$ the steep in%!ine and when we rea%h
the top& we<re st#nned.
A %rater as far as 9 %an see. 9 have no idea how deep or wide it is. Something moves against
my hand that 9 think is 0y!an $#t when 9 !ook over& he<s not %!ose eno#gh to to#%h.
9 $at something dark off of my hand and a s!imy resid#e remains. A gag rises in my throat
and 9 shift $a%k on my hee!s to get away from whatever it was. 9 rea!i?e too !ate that the mo#nd is
too steep for me to !ean $a%k on and 9 $egin to t#m$!e downhi!!.
9 ro!! end over end for severa! yards& then 9 fina!!y s!am into something hard near the $ottom.
A tiny pi!e of dirt shifts and fa!!s onto my fa%e a!ong with severa! s!imy %reat#res. 9 $at at them&
%hoking and gagging on dirt and air. One of them to#%hes the edge of my !ip& and 9 go
%omp!ete!y hysteri%a!. 9 r#n as far as 9 %an from the %rater& pee!ing the $#gs off one;$y;one& my
skin stinging with ea%h.
9 stop when 9 hear my own feet s!oshing and instin%tive!y drop into ank!e deep water&
sp!ashing it on my fa%e. The water stings& and it sme!!s !ike %hemi%a!s. 9 s%ream and yank my
shirt off. 9 #se it to wipe the moist#re and s!ime off of my fa%e& then tip my head #pside down
and rake my hands thro#gh my hair savage!y to get the $#gs o#t. Two fa!! o#t and s!ip into the
earth.
0y!an gra$s one from my ne%k and yanks it off& !o$$ing it a few yards away. 9 gag so many
times& 9 wish 9 wo#!d =#st vomit.
9 don<t know what those were& $#t they<re far worse than the hard $#g in the woods. 9 keep
$atting at my hair& #n%onvin%ed 9<ve gotten them a!! o#t.
*The water&, 9 pant. *9t<s to(i%.,
*Aeah& 9 %an sme!! it. 9 think it<s $e%a#se we<re so %!ose to an impa%t site.,
9 shoot him a strange !ook.
*>here a $om$ hit.,
*Oh., That makes sense.
9 stand #p straight and take a step toward where 9 dropped my shirt& fee!ing di??y. .y throat
is tight. >hen my knees go !imp and a!most hit the gro#nd& 0y!an %at%hes me. 9 )#i%k!y $e%ome
groggy and my tho#ghts are =#m$!ed. 9 %an<t remem$er where 9 am.
*9 %hose yo#&, 9 m#tter. B#t 9 don<t know why 9 say it. +e $ends over to pi%k #p my shirt $#t
doesn<t $other p#tting in on me. +e =#st wa!ks with me in his arms.
*9 know& Cori., +is voi%e %omes soft as a whisper& $#t 9 don<t think he<s whispering.
*9 %hose yo# $e%a#se ... $e%a#se..., 9 %an<t ho!d my own head #p& so 9 !ean into his sho#!der.
*The who!e wor!d is %o!d and dead. Ao#<re the on!y thing that<s warm., 9 !ay my hand on his
%hest to fee! his heart$eat. +is warmth.
+e speaks $#t his voi%e is m#ff!ed& and 9 %an<t ho!d my eyes open any !onger.
Chapter Seventeen
0y!an shakes me. *>ake #p& sweetheart., +e kisses my forehead. +e wo$$!es a $it& !ike
he<s di??y& and 9 know the fee!ing. +e knee!s& setting me on the gro#nd in front of him& where he
s!ides my shirt $a%k over my head and g#ides my arms into the s!eeves. 9s a to(i% shirt $etter
than no shirt@
*9 %an<t., 9 try to for%e my eyes open& wishing 9 didn<t fee! !ike a rag do!!. Bright !ights shine
on #s& and 9 %ra%k one eye open. A vehi%!e approa%hes and %omes to a stop severa! yards in front
of #s. .y eye %!oses& and 9 %an<t reopen it.
*0on<t shoot., 0y!an<s voi%e. *>e<!! s#rrender& =#st p!ease& don<t hit her. She<s $een
e(posed to %ontaminated water and some kind of inse%ts., 9<ve $een hit on the head far too many
times to remem$er. >ho<s he ta!king to@
9 hear a p!ink& something hitting the dirt near$y& and 9 shift with 0y!an<s movements& 9 g#ess
he<s ho!ding me again. +e pi%ked me #p when 9 was soaking in that water& so if 9 was e(posed&
so was he. +ow is he awake& then@ 9 =#st want to s!eep.
9 fee! the g#n t#gged from the $a%k of my pants and 9 hear it hit the gro#nd as we!!. >hat is
he doing@ >hy is he disarming #s@
Another set of arms gra$s me& and 9 groan as 9<m yanked from 0y!an.
*0on<t h#rt her&, he snar!s& $#t his spee%h is s!#rred. 9 hear %!i%ks and s)#eaking and then an
engine. 9 hit the %o!d& meta! f!oor of the vehi%!e& and the vi$rations p#!! me right $a%k #nder.
E E E
>hen 9 wake& my wrists are %#ffed and %hained to the %enter of a ta$!e. .y head !ies
sideways on my own arm& and 9<m seated in a %hair. The room 9<m in is very sma!!& =#st !arge
eno#gh for this ta$!e and a !itt!e room to wa!k aro#nd it. An empty %hair waits for someone
a%ross from me. 9 wonder who.
9 hear a voi%e ye!!ing from somewhere e!se in the $#i!ding& and 9 get the distin%t impression
that it<s 0y!an. .ay$e he was right& and Ty%e !ed #s to enemies. 9 shake my head and !ift it from
the ta$!e.
9 !ook #p at a pie%e of mirror on the wa!! afraid that my fa%e wi!! $e poisoned $eyond
re%ognition. To my re!ief& my fa%e is fine. H#st a !ong red $#rn mark on my =aw.
The door opens& admitting a man with graying hair and earth;toned %!othes. +e sh#ts the
door and sits a%ross from me. *>e!%ome to .er%y.,
9 !ift my hands and set them down to make the %hains %!ink against the ta$!e. *Show m#%h
mer%y these days@,
*"ot to Anti#s spies& #s#a!!y. B#t then again& yo# are a!ive.,
*9<m not a spy.,
+e %!ears his throat& !a%ing his fingers and setting his hands on the ta$!e $etween #s. *>e
don<t show m#%h mer%y to anyone from Anti#s. Ao# tend to not ret#rn the favor.,
*9<m not from Anti#s.,
*There<s no sense in !ying. >e know yo# are. >e know a !ot a$o#t yo#& a%t#a!!y.,
9 sit #p straighter. *"o& 9 %ame from there& $#t 9 was an orphan. They<ve had me for ten
years& and 9 fina!!y es%aped. That<s why 9<m here.,
*That<s a rea!!y ni%e story., +e mo%ks gen#ine interest& then ret#rns to his stone;fa%ed
fa%ade. *>here yo# %ome from& they assign n#m$ers. 0o yo# have one@,
*Aes., 9 grit my teeth.
*And@,
*205. Others my age have !ower n#m$ers& $#t 9 didn<t arrive there ti!! 9 was seven& so',
*A!! right& 205. >hy don<t yo# te!! #s how yo# got here.,
+is hands never !eave the ta$!e& his e(pression doesn<t %hange. 9 think he<s done this $efore.
*8s@,
+e g!an%es over his sho#!der at the mirror& whi%h 9 rea!i?e m#st $e see;thro#gh from the
other side. +ow many of them are wat%hing me@
*>e were dire%ted here $y a friend in The City.,
*+mm., +e raises his eye$rows. *Anti#s spies s#rviving The City fo!k ... we!!& that<s
#nheard of. So yo#<ve got that going for yo#.,
*+e said yo# wo#!d $e kind., 9 wigg!e my wrists in the %#ffs.
*>e!!& that wasn<t his p!a%e to sayD however& we have $een kind to yo#. Ao#r %#rrent
situation is for o#r prote%tion., +e takes a $reath& shifting gears. *The $oy yo#<re trave!ing with
',
*0y!an.,
*Aes. 0on<t interr#pt me. :52 es%aped with yo#@ >as he a!so an orphan@,
*Aes& Dylan es%aped with me. And no& he was $orn in Anti#s.,
*.mhmm., +e nods.
*B#t he<s not !ike them. 9s he okay@ Can 9 see him@,
*"o.,
9 don<t hear him s%reaming anymore& $#t 9 did. 9 think of a!! we<ve $een thro#gh and try to
imagine what it m#st take to make someone his si?e s%ream.
*9t doesn<t so#nd !ike yo#<re $eing very kind to him& either.,
*Ao#<d do we!! to =#st %ooperate and !et #s worry a$o#t who to treat kind!y. B#t 9 ass#re
yo#& kind or not& we are $eing more than fair.,
9 !ean forward so 9 %an rea%h my forehead with my hands& and p#sh the hair away from the
sweat poo!ing there.
*Ao#r peop!e..., 9 grit my teeth when he !#mps me in with them. *S!a#ghtered o#r !ast trade
%onvoy and took everything they $ro#ght with them.,
*9 know., >hat am 9 saying@ This isn<t going to he!p.
*Ao# do@, he asks& #na$!e to hide his s#rprise.
9 s)#ee?e my eyes %!osed& ki%king myse!f for speaking #p. *9 was there. 9 saw it happen.,
*9 see., +e takes his hands off the ta$!e and sets them in his !ap.
*9s there anything yo# %an te!! #s a$o#t that day@,
I dont want to talk about this. I dont want to talk about this. I have nothing to say. Nothing
to say. *Aes., 9 swa!!ow& $#t my throat is dry. 9 sho#!d ask for water. *9t was my first mission. 9
was p!anning to r#n away if the opport#nity presented itse!f& $#t everyone was armed.,
*9n%!#ding yo#rse!f@,
9 nod. 9 g!an%e at the mirror& thinking the peop!e on the other side pro$a$!y hate me. They<!!
never $e a$!e to !ook past the #ntius in my history. +ow do 9 make them see@ *Ha%o$ didn<t $ring
everything that was agreed on. Ao#r men arg#ed that they wo#!dn<t %omp!ete the trade #n!ess we
gave them a!! the meds they asked for. So..., /!ashes of g#nshots and $!ood;stained pavement
overwhe!m me and my $reath %at%hes. 9 try to %hoke $a%k a so$& $#t it es%apes me. 9 !ay my
forehead on the %o!d meta! ta$!e as my tears fa!! into my !ap.
*They started shooting& and 9 saw a kid r#nning. 9 tried to fo!!ow him& thinking he %o#!d !ead
me somewhere safe& $#t they %a#ght me& so 9 pretended to shoot him., Shut up, 'ori. Shut up!
*B#t 9 missed $y at !east a yard. And 9 !eft him the key so he %o#!d get $a%k safe!y., 9 fina!!y
!ook #p& my eyes wide. *0id he make it $a%k@ 9s he okay@,
The man stands and taps on the g!ass. A woman enters with a %#p of water and sets it down
$eside me. 9 !ook her in the eye& *0id he make it@ 1!ease.,
She !ooks at the man& as if for permission to te!! me& $#t he waves for her to !eave& and she
does.
&e didnt make it. And they think it<s my fa#!t. They think 9 was a part of it. 9 !ower my
head again as another so$ overtakes me. *They ki!!ed them $e%a#se of "athan& $e%a#se "athan is
%r#e!. +e<s a monster and he<s ki!!ed everyone who ever %ared a$o#t me. >hy didn<t he =#st ki!!
me@, 9 %ry so !o#d!y it e%hoes thro#gh the room and 9 don<t even try to hide my fa%e anymore. 9
!ook at the man. *>hy didn<t he =#st ki!! me@,
+e =#st stares at me& his e(pression #n%hanging.
*205& are yo# a trained mem$er of "athan B#rke<s army@ Are yo# or are yo# not a so!dier
of Anti#s@,
*.y name is Cori.,
*205& are yo#',
*.y name is CoriC, 9 s%ream at the top of my !#ngs. "athan wo#!d !ove this. 9<m fina!!y
$roken& he<s =#st not here to see it. 9 so$ more and s%ream my name over and over #nti! the man
!eaves the room. 9 don<t noti%e if he even sh#t the door& not that it matters. 9 %an<t hear anything
$#t my own voi%e.
*.y name is Cori. .y name is Corinne /ran%is Co!e. 9 am not 205. 9<m Corinne Co!e. 9
had a fami!y& and they died. 9<m not from Anti#s. 9<m not 205C, .y voi%e goes hoarse over a
ho!!ow so$& and no more so#nd %omes o#t.
9 p#!! against my sha%k!es& knowing they won<t $#dge $#t #na$!e to do anything $#t fee!
he!p!ess. 9 $#ry my fa%e $etween my e!$ows and so$ then =erk on the %hains even harder. 9 ki%k
the %hair o#t from #nder me and p#!! the ta$!e so hard it s!ides. 9 s%ream at the g!ass& *H#st !et me
go. 9<!! !ive in the woods., 9 remem$er 0y!an and %orre%t myse!f. *6et #s go. 1!ease.,
The door swings open and an arm wraps aro#nd my waist from $ehind and ho!ds me away
from the ta$!e whi!e someone e!se #n!o%ks my %#ffs. 9 thrash against whoever<s ho!ding me&
e!$owing him in the nose. The other man gra$s my !egs whi!e the first one !ifts me off the gro#nd
!ike 9 weigh nothing& and %arries me down the ha!!. As we pass an open door& 9 see 0y!an
h#n%hed over in the f!oor whi!e someone %omes o#t& %!osing the door $etween #s.
*0y!an., 9 thrash harder against my %aptor& rea%hing for 0y!an& $#t they take me farther
down the ha!!. The man p#shes thro#gh another door and drops me on the f!oor ne(t to a drain. A
woman with a g#n stands over me& and fires #p a showerhead& soaking me with free?ing %o!d
water. 9 !ay in it #nmoving& whi!e the men !eave the room. This woman m#st $e to#gh if they<!!
!eave me a!one with her. 9 don<t want to test her.
*C!ean yo#rse!f #p.,
9 stare at her thro#gh water that sp!ashes off my eye!ashes. 9 don<t move an in%h.
She knee!s& not !etting the g#n go too s!a%k in her grip. *The $oy made it $a%k., .ercy& 9
think. 9 meet her eyes& gratef#! to fina!!y know. *1!ease. C!ean yo#rse!f #p.,
9 think may$e it<s a tri%k& $#t 9 %an<t %ome #p with a possi$!e reason. 9 e(pe%t the woman to
!ose her %oo! and shoot me& or hit me with the $#tt of the g#n. B#t the woman doesn<t move. And
her e(pression !ooks gen#ine.
She eyes a $ar of soap& and 9 gra$ it s!ow!y. 9 try to !ather it on my hand =#st as the water
starts to warm #p& =#st a !itt!e. 9 r#$ the !ather over my fa%e& trying to wash away the poison from
the wormy $#gs and the to(i% water. 9 rea%h #nder my shirt and r#$ the $ar over my armpits.
The woman fina!!y stands& 9 g#ess rea!i?ing that 9<m %ooperating. She t#rns her head to the
side so she<s not !ooking straight at me& so 9 #ndress and finish %!eaning #p. >hen 9 get a!! the
s#ds o#t of my hair& the !ady t#rns off the shower and offers me a towe!.
9 wrap myse!f #p and fo!!ow her down the ha!!& noti%ing her hand never !eaves her g#n. 9n a
sma!! room to the right& the woman sh#ts the door and p#ts her g#n in a ho!ster on her hip. *.y
name is Faren., She p#!!s %!ean %!othes o#t of a dresser and !ays them on the $ed.
*Thank yo#., 9 dress myse!f )#i%k!y& s#rprised at myse!f for not $eing shy in front of her.
9<m =#st too tired to %are. Too $roken.
She sits me down in a %hair in front of a mirror and $egins to %om$ o#t my hair.
*Ao# don<t have to',
*9 know., She smi!es. This woman is tender. She<s kind. B#t 9 %an te!! she<s sti!! to#gh.
There are sma!! pat%hes of gray at her temp!es& $#t otherwise her hair is a deep $rown %o!or& and
her green eyes are $right and wide.
*0o yo# !ike it p#!!ed $a%k@, She ho!ds #p an e!asti% and it reminds me of Anti#s women& so
9 shake my head and she !eaves it down.
*>e<re going to go $a%k to the interrogation room. >e don<t want to h#rt yo#. >e =#st need
yo# to keep %ooperating., >hat 9 was doing $a%k there& they %onsidered it %ooperation@ 5i:arre.
9 a!most !a#gh.
>hen we arrive at the interrogation room, the same man as $efore is there& a!ong with a new
fa%e& a !ady even o!der than Faren. 9 never saw many gray;haired peop!e in Anti#s. 9 wonder
what happens to them when they get o!d.
They seat me in the same %hair& whi%h they have set $a%k in its p!a%e. B#t they do not %#ff
me. 9 %ross my hands and set them in my !ap.
*>hat<s yo#r name@, 9 ask the man.
+e %!ears his throat. *+enry.,
*+e!!o& +enry., 9 !ook at the woman. She !o%ks eyes with +enry.
*9<m "i%o!ette.,
*9t<s ni%e to meet yo#& "i%o!ette., 9 think of Faren<s advi%e to keep %ooperating. 9<m trying.
Rea!!y trying. This has to work o#tD 9 have nowhere e!se to go. >e!!& 0y!an has nowhere e!se to
go. 9 %o#!d go $a%k to The City. B#t 9 %an<t think !ike that.
*Te!! me a$o#t her& "i%o!ette.,
"i%o!ette opens a fo!der and !ays it ginger!y on the ta$!e. *She has e(%essive head tra#ma&
res#!ting from m#!tip!e in%idents. Some dating years $a%k and others as re%ent as a few days o!d.
>e a!so fo#nd e(tensive foreign matter s#rgi%a!!y p!a%ed inside her $rain. 9t wo#!d take a !ong&
risky s#rgery to remove., 9 noti%e she didn<t %a!! me 205& $#t she didn<t %a!! me Cori& either.
*/resh stit%hes on her ne%k& we $e!ieve from the remova! of a se%#rity %hip from Anti#s. The
site and si?e of the in%ision& tho#gh %r#de& s#pport this theory.,
*That<s %orre%t&, 9 inter=e%t& tho#gh 9 do#$t she was !ooking for a rep!y. She<s simp!y giving
a medi%a! report.
*She was treated for e(pos#re with a !ow dosage of anti$odies and responded remarka$!y
we!! in re%overy. +er system has $een %!eared and de%!ared #ninfe%ted.,
*Thank yo#&, +enry says. *Anything e!se@,
*Eviden%e of two $roken ri$s& $#t they<ve hea!ed. A hair!ine fra%t#re a$ove the right eye.
A!so hea!ed., She %!oses the fo!der a$r#pt!y. *0o yo# rea!!y want to hear it a!!@,
*"o& thank yo#. That wi!! do.,
"i%o!ette dismisses herse!f.
*Can 9 see my friend@ 9s he okay@, 9 try my $est to keep my voi%e %a!m& !est they de%ide 9
need another %o!d shower.
*A !itt!e whi!e ago& yo# said a name. Co#!d yo# repeat it@,
*Cori.,
*There was more than that.,
*Corinne Co!e., 9t fee!s weird to say the words. Today was the first time in ten years 9<ve
said them. 9 fee! !ike 9<m not her anymore& and 9 sho#!dn<t $e saying her name.
*+ow did yo# hear this name@,
9 !ook #p at him& %onf#sed. *9t<s my name. 9 was named after my mother<s great a#nt.,
The door $#rsts open and a man stands there. +e<s ta!! and gray;haired& and his !ight $rown
eyes are so intense they pier%e my heart. +is kn#%k!es t#rn white aro#nd the doorkno$& and his
%hest rises and fa!!s rapid!y. The ro#ndness of his set =aw fee!s fami!iar. And 9 %an<t he!p %oming
$a%k to his eyes& the intensity there. 9 get the sensation of !ooking in a mirror when 9 rea!i?e ...
those are my $rown eyes.
Those are my father<s $rown eyes.
9 rise from my %hair and $a%k myse!f into the %orner opposite the door. *9mpossi$!e.,
*Corinne@, +is voi%e is tenderD it<s gent!er than 9<ve ever heard it. Bent!er than the time 9
a!most got #s %a#ght $e%a#se of my twisted ank!e. Bent!er than when he to!d me we had to !eave
my mother<s $ody $e%a#se there was nothing we %o#!d do for her.
*9mpossi$!e., 9 saw him die. 9 saw the $!ood& the sta$ wo#nd. 9 saw the %!aw marks& the torn
f!esh. 9 !ook at the man $efore me and find s%ars #p and down $oth sides of his ne%k. 9 did not
see my father die& 9 saw him almost die.
+e steps toward me& and +enry rises. *Anthony& wait. She<s #nsta$!e.,
*She<s my da#ghter., +e takes another step toward me& and 9 p!ant $oth hands against the
wa!! to sti!! the shaking. Tears fi!! my eyes and $egin to $rim as he %!oses the gap $etween #s and
rea%hes for me.
9 press myse!f as far into the %orner as my $ody %an go. *0addy@,
+e !eaves his hand e(tended $etween #s& and 9<m g!ad he doesn<t gra$ me. 9<m not ready to
to#%h a dead man'my father who isn<t dead at a!!.
*9t<s me& Corinne. 9t<s 0ad., 9 h#nker away from him& sti!! #ns#re how to pro%ess& how to
fee!& how to ... !et him wrap his arms aro#nd me. *9t<s 0ad& Corinne.,
9 take a tiny step toward him and& sensing my hesitation& he s!ow!y rea%hes for me. >hen his
hand wraps aro#nd my sho#!der& tears we!! #p in his eyes& and 9 !ean into him& !etting him
em$ra%e me. The two of #s so$ together& s)#ee?ing ea%h other tighter and tighter as min#tes
pass.
>hen we %at%h o#r $reaths& he p#!!s $a%k and kisses my forehead. *9 tho#ght yo# were dead.
They $ro#ght me here #n%ons%io#s& $#t said yo# were gone when they got to me. 9 !ooked
everywhere. 9 was !ooking for a $ody. 9 sho#!d have known yo# wo#!d s#rvive. 9 sho#!d have
known., +e em$ra%es me again. *9<m so sorry.,
+e !ets me go and 9 noti%e more men have =oined #s& +enry standing ne(t to the ta$!e and
two others at the door& their hands on their weapons.
*6et<s get yo# o#t of here., +e wa!ks toward the door with an arm aro#nd my sho#!der. *6et
#s thro#gh&, he orders the men& and witho#t a moment<s hesitation& they move aside.
0ad takes me down the ha!! in the other dire%tion. *Ao# m#st $e starving.,
*9 haven<t had a de%ent mea! in ten years., +e smi!es at me. At the end of the ha!!& we enter
a %ommon area and peop!e stand to fa%e him as we pass& with their hands at their sides.
A yo#ng g#y opens a door for #s& nodding at my father& and my father nodding $a%k. *Sir&,
the $oy says& reminding me of how Tit#s addressed "athan. Respe%tf#!!y.
0ad sits me at a ta$!e and storms thro#gh another door& his voi%e too m#ff!ed to make o#t.
>hen he ret#rns min#tes !ater& he %arries a tray of food and sets it on the ta$!e. +e sits a%ross
from me and hands me a fork and a knife.
*>hat is a!! this@ >here does it %ome from@,
*>e grow the vegeta$!es here in .er%y. The fr#it %omes from o#r sister %o!ony& 0e!i!ah.
>e get the meat from The City., The animals. Ty%e<s peop!e m#st $e h#nters. They said they
trade with .er%y& and this e(p!ains why. The anima!s on!y seem to !ive in The City.
*9s it safe@,
+e smi!es warm!y. *Of %o#rse it is.,
After 9 shove! a few $ites of ama?ing tasting food in my mo#th& 9 set my fork down. +e
snaps his fingers and a woman a%ross the room !ifts her head.
*>ater& p!ease., +e says it ni%e!y& $#t she o$eys it !ike a %ommand. >ho is my father@
9 drink the water she $rings& and %!ear my throat. 9 pi%k a pie%e of meat from my teeth and
set it on the p!ate. *Can 9 see my friend@,
*Soon.,
Chapter Eighteen
Soon %omes a few ho#rs !ater. 9 sit ne(t to my father on a soft pie%e of f#rnit#re !ike the one
in the ho#se we stayed in. .y father %a!!s it a *sofa., Two men es%ort 0y!an into the room and
sit him ne(t to me. +e has a fresh $r#ise on his %heek and stit%hes where his %hip #sed to $e. 9
hope he %onvin%ed them he<s not a spy.
*Ao# okay@, 9 whisper& !aying my hand over his.
+e tries to smi!e.
*+e<s a !itt!e medi%ated right now&, 0ad e(p!ains.
*9<m fine., 0y!an !ooks me over.
*9<m okay& too., 9 smi!e& r#$$ing his hand with my th#m$. +e $reathes a sigh of re!ief& and 9
throw my arms aro#nd him& $#rying my head in the %rook of his ne%k. +is arms fee! ama?ing and
warm& and 9 s)#ee?e him !ike 9<m afraid to !et go. 9 am afraid to !et go. Bad things happen when 9
do.
.y father %!ears his throat& and 9 $!#sh as 9 p#!! from 0y!an<s em$ra%e. Twenty;fo#r ho#rs
ago 9 was pra%ti%a!!y an ad#!t& o#t in the wi!d with 0y!an. "ow 9<m a teenage gir! with a $oy who
hasn<t met my father.
*0ad& this is 0y!an. 0y!an& this..., +is eyes grow wide. *9s my father., They $oth rise& and
0ad e(tends his hand to 0y!an& who !ooks at it awkward!y $efore e(tending his own. 0ad shakes
twi%e and re!eases.
*A!ive@,
*And we!!., 0ad sits $a%k down& as does 0y!an. 9 fee! trapped $etween them. They sit on the
edge of the sofa fa%ing ea%h other& and 9<m not s#re 9 e(ist anymore.
*>hat is this p!a%e@,
*This is .er%y. 1art of a system of %o!onies %a!!ed Ref#ge.,
*There are more@, 9 ask.
*Severa!., A!! this time 9 tho#ght 9 wo#!d $e !#%ky to find a sing!e %ivi!i?ation. B#t there are
several. A new hope springs into my heart& and 9 %an<t e(p!ain the fee!ing that overtakes me.
*The peop!e here& they respe%t yo#. They treat yo# !ike their !eader.,
+e nods& smi!ing. *O$servant. 9 am the %hosen !eader of a!! of Ref#ge. 9 !ive in .er%y
$e%a#se it<s my favorite and %entra!!y !o%ated.,
0y!an shifts forward in his seat. *The men who ... %uestioned me. They seemed !ike
mi!itary.,
*9 %ommand a n#m$er of armies. >ith enemies !ike Anti#s& we need them.,
*Armies@, 9 ask.
*Aes. 9 hear yo# are no stranger to armies yo#rse!f.,
9 sh#dder& remem$ering my asso%iation with them. 9 te!! myse!f 9 was =#st s#rviving& and
that isn<t a part of who 9 am.
*So yo# have an entire army at yo#r disposa!@,
/ather sits #p straighter. *0isposa!@ "o. At my aide@ A$so!#te!y.,
9 !ook over at 0y!an& rea!i?ing something more %an %ome of this. That this isn<t =#st a$o#t
es%aping and finding a new home anymore. 9t<s not a$o#t $eing rid of "athan whi!e !etting
"athan %ontin#e to h#rt peop!e.
There was a time 9 didn<t even think it was possi$!e to save myse!f& m#%h !ess 0y!an& too.
And 9 never wo#!d have dreamed it %o#!d $e possi$!e to save the others.
*0ad& we have to go $a%k for the others. A!! those peop!e. Can we save them@,
E E E
*Ao# want to go $a%k to Anti#s@ After everything we<ve $een thro#gh., 0y!an and 9 are
a!one in a sma!! $athroom.
*9 never %onsidered ... 9 never even wo#!d have tho#ght. B#t a!! those peop!e. 9f we %an he!p
them& we have to try. +ow %an we r#n away and !eave the others to s#ffer@ To die., 9 never knew
9 fe!t this way. Or may$e 9 didn<t #nti! now. Those peop!e are my fami!y& too. H#st as m#%h as
0y!an is. 9t<s "athan 9 hate& not the inno%ent %ivi!ians in his %o!ony. They deserve somewhere
safe to !ive& where the peop!e !ooking o#t for them are honora$!e. 6eaders !ike my father.
0y!an kisses my forehead and p#!!s me into his arms. *Then we<!! go. 9f yo#r father is
wi!!ing& we<!! go.,
9 tiptoe for a kiss& and he $ends forward so 9 %an rea%h& pressing his !ips soft!y against mine.
9t<s the first time we<ve kissed sin%e The City. And it fee!s !ike home.
E E E
The room is !arge and $right. One ma!e and one fema!e !eader from ea%h %o!ony sit in %hairs
forming a !arge %ir%!e. They are more mat#re& pro$a$!y forty and #p. Their %!othes are earthy and
!ook %omforta$!e. Their hairsty!es vary& and they are far from #niform. Some of the !adies wear
their hair in $#ns& others ponytai!s& others !oose or $raided. Some of the men have shaggy hair
that %overs their ne%ks& others have it %ropped %!ose to the s%a!p. They are individ#a!s& and they
are free to $e so.
.y dad is among the %ir%!e whi!e 0y!an and 9 stand a!ong the wa!! with a few other yo#nger
peop!e. 9t took two days to assem$!e the !eaders of Ref#ge for this meeting.
.y father stands to address them& and they a!! )#iet down. They do not fear him& they
respe%t him. There<s an in%redi$!e differen%e.
Faren wa!ks in and %omes to my side& !aying a tender hand on my sho#!der. She gives a
warm smi!e. She<s $een sharing her room with me.
9 whisper to her& *They<re not going to !isten to me. They don<t even know me. They won<t
tr#st me.,
*9t doesn<t matter who yo# are. Right now& it on!y matters who yo#r father is., She gives my
arm a s)#ee?e. *They<!! !isten., Faren takes a seat ne(t to +enry $efore my father speaks.
*6eaders., 0ad dips his head& and they nod $a%k. *>e have $een %a!!ed #pon to take a%tion
against Anti#s. After dis%#ssion with o#r informants& we $e!ieve their words sho#!d $e
%onsidered $y the %o#n%i!. 1!ease we!%ome o#r g#ests& Corinne and 0y!an.,
9 %!ear my throat as we =oin my father. 9 wipe the sweat from my pa!ms& %onsidering how my
voi%e wi!! so#nd when 9 address them. *9<m CoriD this is 0y!an.,
*+e!!o&, they say.
*After m#%h dis%#ssion with my father., 9 point to him so they<!! make the %onne%tion& in
%ase they %an<t te!! $y o#r mat%hing fa%es. *>e wo#!d !ike to propose a res%#e mission to
Anti#s.,
An o!d man %!ears his throat. *To o#r know!edge& the %iti?ens of Anti#s are hosti!e.,
0y!an s)#ee?es my hand& en%o#raging me. 9 p!ant my feet. *The so!diers are hosti!e. B#t
there are inno%ent women and %hi!dren& and even some men& who 9 $e!ieve need he!p.,
*And who are yo# to say this@ "o one %an speak for what happens inside those $orders., A
woman this time.
*>e !ived there. 9 did for ten years& he did for seventeen., Basps a!! aro#nd.
+enry speaks #p. *>e have de%!ared these two as non;threats& and they wi!! $e treated as
s#%h., The mem$ers a%know!edge him with a nod.
*>hy sho#!d we $e %on%erned with the %iti?ens of Anti#s@ >hat makes yo# think they want
to $e res%#ed@,
*They might not., They m#rm#r and shake their heads. 9 speak over them& !o#der. *They
might not want to $e%a#se they don<t know any $etter. The %hi!dren are ta#ght there is nowhere
e!se to go& and #nti! re%ent!y& even the two of #s $e!ieved no one e!se s#rvived the war e(%ept
savages. The ad#!ts seem to know more& $#t they are so medi%ated they don<t %are. 9f they are
%ontent& it<s $y a fa!se sense of se%#rity& and the fear ta%ti%s of a r#th!ess !eader.,
*>hat e!se %an yo# te!! #s a$o#t them@ +ow do they !ive@,
*Every person has a f#n%tion& $ased on testing and aptit#des. 9f a person fai!s to meet an
aptit#de& they are disposed of.,
*Fi!!ed@ Their own peop!e@,
*Aes&, 0y!an answers& and everyone<s eyes shift to him. *9nvasive s#rgeries& mind;a!tering
dr#gs& and #nethi%a! e(perimentation. And yes& many are ki!!ed. A!so& the women are $red !ike
anima!s& so the pop#!ation grows despite the !osses.,
*0isg#sting&, a !ady says. 9 rea!i?e a moment !ater that it was Faren.
*+ow a$o#t se%#rity and mi!itary@ 9f we risk o#r mi!itary reso#r%es for these peop!e& we
sho#!d know what we<re #p against.,
0y!an answers first. *Their te%hno!ogy is very advan%ed& and se%#rity is near!y
impenetra$!e., .ore m#rm#rs& some s%offs. *B#t 9 am an e(pert in their te%hno!ogy& so 9 %an
assist with the $rea%h.,
0eep $reaths& and peop!e shift their weight. A few whispers. 9 !ook $a%k at my father& and he
smi!es grim!y.
9 answer ne(t. *The mi!itary is r#th!ess!y trained in weaponry and %om$at. They are not as
heavi!y medi%ated as %ivi!ians& and they are ki!!ers. 9 $e!ieve yo#<ve seen the effe%ts of this in
previo#s en%o#nters., 9 hate to dig #p the wo#nds of the re%ent %onvoy s!a#ghter& $#t 9 want
them to take this persona!!y. 9t is persona!& to them& to #s& and to the kids we grew #p with in
Anti#s.
*>e wi!! $e met with resistan%e&, my father says. *B#t we intend to make o#r primary target
a spe%ifi% $#i!ding that ho#ses minors. 9nno%ent !ife is something worth fighting for& and we
$e!ieve this mission is worth the risk.,
*This is the stan%e of .er%y@, A $!a%k;headed man asks.
*Aes&, Faren and +enry agree.
*>e %annot !a#n%h an atta%k against them with the for%es of .er%y a!one. They o#tn#m$er
#s& and some of o#r $est men were shot and ki!!ed $y this very %o!ony. >e need yo#r he!p., .y
dad thr#sts his hands into his po%kets. +e<s so %a!m& $#t his e(pression is p!eading. There<s a
passion in his eyes that makes my heart $eat faster& and 9 ho!d my head a !itt!e higher. That<s my
father. 9<d fo!!ow him anywhere.
A $oy a%ross the room wipes tears from his %heeks& and 9 rea!i?e 9 re%ogni?e him. That<s the
$oy that s#rvived the am$#sh. 9 !o%k eyes with him as he wipes away another tear. +e !ooks
away and %!ears his throat.
*>e<!! step o#t and !et yo# de!i$erate. 6et #s know if yo# have more )#estions. >ith
0y!an<s know!edge of their te%hno!ogy and se%#rity meas#res& and Corinne<s know!edge of their
mi!itary& 9 am %onfident that we %an !a#n%h an informed and s#%%essf#! atta%k. .y opinion is
shared $y the !eaders of .er%y. 1!ease %onsider o#r stan%e in yo#r de%ision., .y father !eads #s
to the door and we step into the ha!!way a!ong with Faren and +enry.
*They don<t !ike #s. This isn<t going to work&, 9 say as the door %!oses. 9 don<t think 9 gave a
very %onvin%ing arg#ment $e%a#se 9 wo#!dn<t $e!ieve me.
*>e<ve done a!! we %an. >e gave them the pertinent information. "ow we =#st hope they<!!
!isten., 0ad st#ffs his hands in his po%kets& $#t 9 %an te!! from the way he f#rrows his $rows and
%hews the inside of his !ip that he<s worried.
+enry s%rat%hes his head. *S#re!y they<!! have %ompassion& even if they don<t %are a$o#t
those Anti#s kids& they have to %are a$o#t our !oss. O#r men. O#r friends., Even when he<s
speaking from the heart& he<s deadpan. 9<m %ertain this is why they %hose him for interrogations.
E E E
>e wait in the %ommon room $y the kit%hen. Faren& +enry& and 0y!an sit on sofas whi!e
my father and 9 pa%e opposite sides of the room. 9 %hew on my th#m$nai! #nti! the %#ti%!e $!eeds&
and 9 wipe it off on my pants.
*>i!! the two of yo# please sit down and re!a(@, Faren $arks. *Ao#<re making me antsy.,
9 !ook at my father and he grins. >e meet in the midd!e and sit together on a sofa. *Can<t
yo# =#st make them do it@ Aren<t yo# in %harge of this who!e p!a%e@,
*9f 9 make them& how am 9 any different than the man yo# despise@,
*>e<ve %hosen never to a%t against the wishes of the ma=ority of o#r !eaders. These peop!e
are respe%ted $y #s and $y their respe%tive %o!onies. >e tr#st them& they tr#st #s. And we a!!
respe%t yo#r father for not for%ing his opinions on #s., +enry admires my father& 9 %an te!!. 9 do
as we!!.
*And 9 wo#!d not $e their !eader if 9 tried to.,
9 nod& #nderstanding for the first time what freedom is. 9t doesn<t mean $eing on yo#r own.
That<s on!y part of it. Rea! freedom is !iving and !oving with peop!e who m#t#a!!y respe%t one
another. 9t<s !iving witho#t fear.
9<ve !earned in two days that there are r#!es here& and those r#!es are honored& $#t they are
not meant to restri%t the h#man nat#re in peop!e. They are simp!y meant to prote%t the gro#p as a
who!e.
*>e<d !ike to speak with the gir!&, a !ady says. 9 rise and gra$ 0y!an<s hand. *H#st yo#., She
eyes o#r hands and 9 re!ease 0y!an.
9 wa!k $eside her $a%k to the meeting room with sweat %oo!ing the $a%k of my ne%k. There<s
a knot in my throat so $ig 9 don<t think 9<!! $e a$!e to speak when %a!!ed on.
*>e have a high regard for yo#r father& however we #nderstand his opinion may $e swayed
$e%a#se of his re!ationship with yo#. 0o yo# fee! yo# have given him a!! the information
ne%essary to make an ed#%ated de%ision@,
*9 do.,
*Can yo# te!! #s if yo# think this atta%k wo#!d $e persona! for yo#@,
9 !a%e my fingers together. *9s it persona!@,
*9s this effort $ased on any type of revenge or hatred@ Are yo# asking #s to a%t $ased on a
gr#dge@,
9 think of a!! the reasons "athan deserves to fa!!. A!! the reasons he deserves to die. 9 think
of a!! the peop!e he<s h#rt& a!! the peop!e he<s ki!!ed. 1eop!e who died $e%a#se of me& $#t 9 p#sh
the g#i!t away and keep my fo%#s on "athan. Twig. Tit#s. A!yssa. And %o#nt!ess others. 9 think
of the men they s!a#ghtered in front of me. *A$so!#te!y. 9t<s a$so!#te!y persona!.,
They h#ff& $#t 9 %ontin#e. *"athan B#rke is a tyrant. A monster who thinks he %an %ontro! a
pop#!ation'that peop!e are as disposa$!e as trade goods. +e<s the man who orders the s!a#ghter
of anyone who won<t %omp!y with his wishes. +e<s the man who ki!!ed a $oy who ref#sed to hit
me. +e<s the man who threatened me& $#t %o#!dn<t h#rt me $e%a#se his father prote%ted me. +e<s
the man who 9 strong!y $e!ieve ki!!ed his own father& so that prote%tion wo#!d $e gone. +e<s the
man who %a#sed the deaths of my friends Tit#s and A!yssa. And he<s the man who !eft my father
for dead and took me away from him.
*+e %onvin%ed me there was nothing !eft o#tside those $orders& o#tside those fen%es. B#t 9
knew. 9 knew yo# were o#t here. 9 knew h#manity %o#!dn<t e(ist witho#t peop!e who $e!ieved in
=#sti%e. 9 had to sneak aro#nd to read $ooks a$o#t peop!e who fo#ght for it& and 9 knew they had
to sti!! e(ist., 9 take a deep $reath to steady myse!f. Everyone<s fa%es $!#r together.
*9 $e!ieve %hi!dren sho#!d p!ay& and women sho#!d not $e vio!ated $e%a#se it<s their %ivi!
d#ty to $ear %hi!dren. 9 $e!ieve peop!e sho#!d read poetry and admire artwork. 9 $e!ieve that
peop!e sho#!d $e a!!owed to to#%h ea%h other witho#t p#nishment. That a fa!!en %hi!d sho#!d $e
em$ra%ed. That peop!e sho#!d love, they sho#!d "eel. They sho#!dn<t $e %hemi%a!!y a!tered to
$ehave !ike ro$ots. 9 $e!ieve that h#man to#%h sho#!dn<t rep#!se me& and that 9 sho#!dn<t str#gg!e
to tr#st peop!e& $#t $oth are tr#e $e%a#se of "athan. 9 $e!ieve that 9 sho#!dn<t have spent
%o#nt!ess %hi!dhood ho#rs in !a$oratories& #nder need!es and !ights. 9 do not $e!ieve that a
monster !ike "athan B#rke deserves to lead anyone. And 9 wo#!d very m#%h !ike to see him
p#nished for his %rimes. So yes& this atta%k is very personal.,
9 t#rn for the door& afraid of their response. 9<ve never spoken so m#%h in my !ife. .ay$e a!!
seventeen years %om$ined. >hen 9 rea%h the doorway& 0y!an stands there with my dad and the
others. 9 wa!k straight past them& trem$!ing and wondering how !ong they<ve $een there.
9 go $a%k to the %ommon room& shaking my hands and %ra%king my ne%k. .y pa!ms are so
sweaty& wiping them off doesn<t seem to work. On!y 0y!an fo!!ows me.
9 fa%e him with $oth my hands dang!ing at my sides. A %harming smi!e makes a g!orio#s
ret#rn to his perfe%t fa%e& making me forget where 9 am for a moment. +e wraps his arms aro#nd
my waist. >hen he !ifts me #p& 9 wrap mine aro#nd his ne%k. *Ao# were ama?ing. A$so!#te!y
ama?ing. 9<m so pro#d of yo#., 9 %!ose my eyes and try to forget it& $#t it<s on rep!ay in my head.
+e sets me down and %#ps my fa%e. *+#man to#%h rep#!ses yo#& h#h@,
*"ot yo#rs., 9t<s tr#e& his doesn<t.
*Everyone e!se@, +is th#m$s gra?e my %heeks.
*9<m working on it& $#t it<s sti!! a !itt!e to#%h and go.,
+e starts to kiss me& $#t footsteps e%ho down the ha!! toward #s. +e sett!es for a pe%k on my
forehead and p#!!s himse!f away& sitting down on a sofa right $efore my father ro#nds the %orner.
*>hat did they say@, C!en%hing my fists& 9 ho!d my $reath& preparing for !etdown. 9<m =#st a
st#pid gir! with a %hip on her sho#!der'that<s what they<ve seen in me. 9<m s#re 9 $!ew it.
*The de%ision is s#$=e%t to %hange& $#t they<ve de%ided to $ring in their %ommanders to meet
with #s. 9f we %an form#!ate a strategy ea%h %ommander is %omforta$!e with& we wi!! !a#n%h a
mission.,
9 e(ha!e and drop to my knees& $#rying my head $etween the sofa %#shions and my hands.
*Thank yo#., Tears pri%k my eyes and for the first time sin%e we !eft Anti#s& 9 gen#ine!y want to
ret#rn.
9 think of my prison mate 1ete& and of my %aretaker Binny& who distra%ted the g#ards to he!p
me es%ape. -an%e& who ta#ght me to prote%t myse!f. 0ottie& who fed 1ete and me. 9 remem$er a!!
the inno%ent fa%es that sat a%ross from me in the 8nderage %afeteria over the years. These are my
fami!y. 9 never tho#ght 9<d see them again. 9t was st#pid of me to think 9 %o#!d =#st wa!k away
and !ive on my own. 9 no !onger want to.
>hen 9 !ook #p& my dad is gone and 0y!an r#$s my $a%k $etween my sho#!der $!ades.
*9 %an<t $e!ieve they !istened. 9 tho#ght for s#re...,
+e f!ashes a warm smi!e. *This is what 9 !ove a$o#t yo#.,
B#tterf!ies dan%e in my $e!!y and the word love $o#n%es aro#nd in my sk#!!. *Ao# don<t see
it& $#t there<s =#st something a$o#t yo# that peop!e are drawn to. 1eop!e $e!ieve in yo#.,
*>hat@ 9<m nothing',
*9 saw the way those kids in Anti#s !ooked #p to yo#. The way the %aretakers smirked after
they had to s%o!d yo#. Even the g#ards !iked yo#. And 9 saw the way The City peop!e em$ra%ed
yo#.,
*That<s ridi%#!o#s. They were !ooking at me !ike they wanted to ki!! me.,
*"o& 9<m %ertain those dirty !ooks were meant for me.,
9 !a#gh. *Ao# might $e right on that one.,
*9<m right on a!! of them. Even here. O#r story is %omp!ete!y ridi%#!o#s& $#t they $e!ieve
yo#. Ao# give peop!e hope& even when they don<t want it.,
9 !ay my head against his knee whi!e he r#ns his fingers thro#gh my hair. *9 !ike yo#r hair
down., 9 smi!e even tho#gh he %an<t see my fa%e. 0y!an s!ides onto the f!oor and em$ra%es me. 9
press my fa%e into his %hest as he ro%ks gent!y from side to side.
+is %hest rises with a $reath& then a so#nd %omes from his throat& tho#gh his !ips are %!osed.
+is inf!e%tion %hanges rhythmi%a!!y& #p and down. Some so#nds he!d o#t& some %#t short. 9 think
he<s done this $efore when 9 was s!eeping.
*>hat is that@, 9 ask.
*9t<s m#si%., +e smi!es and then makes more m#si% with his voi%e. 9 wonder if he !earned
this from his mother.
5eauti"ul.
The ne(t day& Ref#ge army gro#ps start arriving. The p!a%e is $#st!ing. The dining room is
a!ways f#!! of %hatter and !a#ghter& as if they weren<t s#mmoned here for matters of war. 9<ve
never heard so many grown men !a#ghing& and it<s refreshing. There<s =oy here.
.ost of the %ommanders appear aro#nd my father<s age& and the so!diers a%%ompanying
them range from my age and #p. Their persona!ities are ea%h different& their hair& %!othes&
demeanor. 9<m happy to know the %iti?ens of the other %o!onies are =#st as free as .er%y<s.
6ate that evening& the fina! gro#p arrives from a %o!ony %a!!ed 6akeview. The ne(t morning&
the %ommanders %onvene. /or my sake and 0y!an<s& they introd#%e themse!vesD everyone e!se
a!ready knows ea%h other.
.er%y<s %ommander is .a(. .a( wasn<t present when the !eaders %onvened yesterday. 9n
addition to his dark skin& a !ong s%ar from his hair!ine to his eye$row sets him apart from the
others& who are most!y indisting#isha$!e& even tho#gh ea%h is #ni)#e. A sea of skin& eye& and hair
%o!ors. 0ifferent %!othes.
Hohn !eads the army of 6akeview. +e appears to $e the o!dest man in the room& with gray
hair and deep wrink!es aro#nd his eyes and mo#th.
0e!i!ah<s mi!itary is !ed $y a man %a!!ed Ro$ert. +e<s ta!! and kind of reminds me of my
father. Hoe! represents Shi!oh& and Breg is from Smyrna. Emi!io hai!s from 0annah. The on!y
fema!e amongst the mi!itary %ommanders is .i%he!!e from the %o!ony >isdom. She<s yo#nger
than the others& and she !ooks strong. She !ooks wise.
Seven %o!onies are represented. Seven who!e %o!onies.
.y father opens the dia!og#e $y e(p!aining the sit#ation and e(p!aining the wishes of the
!eaders of Ref#ge. 0y!an has drawn #p a map of Anti#s& and it hangs on the wa!! in front of the
%ommanders.
9 point to a spot on the map. *This is the 8nderage $#i!ding& o#r target. 9t ho#ses ro#gh!y
one h#ndred fifty minors of varying ages., 9 point to another $#i!ding. *This one ho#ses women&
many of whi%h are pregnant. The infants and todd!ers are a!so kept there.,
*1op#!ation@, .i%he!!e asks.
9 g!an%e at 0y!an& #ns#re of the n#m$er. +e shr#gs. *A$o#t si(ty women.,
.a( sits forward in his %hair. *The 8nderage $#i!ding sho#!d $e the %!osest point of $rea%h.
9f we %an press farther in& we<!! attempt the women<s $#i!ding& as we!!. >hi%h dire%tion does the
8nderage $#i!ding fa%e@,
*9<m not s#re. +ow do 9 te!!@, A few peop!e !a#gh& $#t stop when my father shoots them a
!ook.
*The s#n rises from the east and sets in the west. So if we<re !ooking at this map& east wo#!d
$e to o#r right& west to o#r !eft. 8p is north. 0own is so#th., +e points as he e(p!ains to he!p me
vis#a!i?e.
9 %!ose my eyes and imagine the !ight in the morning. 9 pi%t#re myse!f standing right o#tside
the front door of the $#i!ding on a $risk morning. The s#n is to my right when 9<m fa%ing the
%enter tower. 9 open my eyes and point to the map to he!p myse!f make sense of it. *9t<s on the
north side of the %ompo#nd.,
.y dad f!ips the map #pside down from how we h#ng it& and %ir%!es the minor $#i!ding in
red.
*Ao#<re s#re@, .a( asks me.
9 think it over again. *9<m s#re.,
*Then we atta%k from the north. Te!! #s a$o#t se%#rity.,
0y!an e(p!ains the for%e perimeter& the a%%ess %odes& and the e!e%tri% fen%e. 9 e(p!ain the
g#ard towers& and the weapons& s%opes& and %ameras.
After an ho#r of dis%#ssion& the )#estions f!y and 0y!an answers. 9 sit in the %orner with my
knees p#!!ed to my %hest& e(ha#sted.
*The perimeter& %an we $om$ it@,
*"o& it wi!! def!e%t the impa%t and tip off the entire B#ard.,
*Can yo# ha%k into the se%#rity po!es@,
*On!y from the inside.,
*Can we %reate a diversion@,
*>e won<t $e a$!e to distra%t a!! ten towers.,
*Can we dig #nder the for%efie!d@,
9 %!ear my throat. *9 %an =#mp it., -oi%es %ontin#e aro#nd me& so 9 get #p and wa!k to the
front of the room. *9 said 9 %an =#mp it., 9 say it !o#der this time.
*She<s right., 0y!an r#$s his temp!es. *9 have an idea.,
Chapter Nineteen
*9 don<t !ike it., 0y!an sits on the %o#nter. This tiny $athroom is the on!y p!a%e we %an find
priva%y aro#nd here.
9t<s $een three days sin%e we agreed on a %o#rse of a%tion& and .ission Anti#s Res%#e was
approved. 0y!an has $een designing and %onstr#%ting nonstop sin%e then& and the %r#de materia!s
in .er%y have !eft %#ts and s%rapes on his hands.
+e rea%hes a%ross his %hest& r#$$ing his $i%ep as tho#gh it was sore& or he simp!y needs
something to do with his hands. +e ho!ds the other hand in the air& gest#ring as he speaks&
pointing at nothing in parti%#!ar. *Sending yo# in there a!one. 9 don<t !ike it.,
*9 won<t $e a!one for !ong. H#st the first part.,
*That<s the hardest part., +e s%rat%hes his head.
*0on<t yo# believe in me& 0y!an@, 9 tease& !aying my hands on his knees.
*That<s not fair. Of %o#rse 9 do. 9t<s =#st',
*Then tr#st me., 9 r#$ $oth of his arms #p and down the way he does to me sometimes& to
ass#re him.
*H#st don<t get %a#ght& okay@,
*Ao# mean& Ldon<t get ki!!ed<@,
*"o., +e %!ears his throat. *0on<t get caught., Right. 0y!an thinks they won<t ki!! me. 9f
he<s right& may$e it<s a good thing 9<m the one going in first.
*9<!! $e %aref#!.,
*6et<s get some rest.,
9 opt against s!eeping in Faren<s room tonight. The energy in this p!a%e is e!e%tri%& and 9
%an<t he!p $#t dwe!! on the danger ahead. So 9 don<t want to $e separated from 0y!an tonight.
So!diers are spraw!ed o#t a!! over the %ommon room& $#t we find a va%ant sofa& whi%h 9
spread o#t on. 0y!an !ies on the f!oor $eside me. 9 ro!! onto my stoma%h and hang my arm over
the edge. >hen 0y!an gets %omforta$!e& he takes my hand and !ays it f!at on his %hest. /or at
!east an ho#r& 9 vis#a!i?e the =#mp whi!e 0y!an %aresses my hand. 9 r#n thro#gh the instr#%tions
he gave me. >e went over it a do?en times today& and 9 won<t forget. +e<s right& 9 =#st %an<t get
%a#ght.
9 fo%#s on the steady rise and fa!! of 0y!an<s %hest& and event#a!!y s!eep takes me.
E E E
*Are yo# worried@, .y father<s voi%e from a%ross the room.
*"o& sir. 9t<s =#st..., 0y!an<s voi%e. 9 for%e my eyes open and !ook down where my hand is
now propped #p $y a pi!!ow instead of 0y!an<s %hest. 9 stay p#t. *Even if this mission fai!s& we
%an<t !et her get %apt#red.,
*Son& 9 agree& and 9 appre%iate that yo# %are a$o#t her.,
0y!an %!ears his throat. *9<m sorry& 9 =#st...,
9 hear a sipping so#nd& and 9 ass#me it<s my father. *0y!an& 9 have this ... gift. 9t<s %a!!ed
int#ition. 9t he!ps me read peop!e. 0o yo# know what 9 mean $y that@,
*"ot rea!!y., 0y!an !a#ghs #n%omforta$!y.
*9t means 9 %an sense when someone has information they<re afraid to say. 9 %an a!so te!!
when they<re !ying., There<s a si!en%e and 9 a!most !ook #p to see& $#t 0ad goes on. *9 don<t take
yo# for a !iar& 0y!an& $#t if yo# need to get something off yo#r %hest& now<s the time. 9f there<s
something 9 sho#!d know $efore we !a#n%h this mission& 9 need yo# to te!! me.,
Another pa#se. 0y!an<s voi%e %omes o#t more %onfident!y than 9 e(pe%t. *Ao#r da#ghter is
spe%ia!. She<s #ni)#e& and not =#st fig#rative!y. 6itera!!y& her 0"A is uni%ue., This part 9 know.
*+er $rain prod#%es a %hemi%a! that Anti#s has $een harvesting. To their know!edge& she<s the
on!y person who prod#%es it'it doesn<t even have a name. They #se it in their pop#!ation med&
and it he!ps s#ppress an(iety and other negative emotions. 9t has $een the most effe%tive
%ompo#nd they<ve %reated.
*9 don<t know if she to!d yo# anything a$o#t her time in Anti#s& $#t she had a tenden%y to
risk her !ife and get herse!f in a !ot of tro#$!e. That hormone is prod#%ed more a$#ndant!y when
she engages in vio!en%e or other a%tivities& !ike %!im$ing ta!! str#%t#res and =#mping off them. So
yo# %an imagine& when they p#t her in training for the mi!itary& her !eve!s spiked as she was
e(posed to physi%a! a%tivity dai!y and vio!en%e a!most as m#%h.,
*>hat are yo# saying@,
*9<m saying they needed her to $ehave e(a%t!y as she did& even tho#gh it defied their !aws. 9t
means they %o#!dn<t make her a !a$ rat& !ike they had wanted when they $ro#ght her in. A%t#a!!y&
they tried& $#t her !eve!s were dep!eted when she was %onfined. Espe%ia!!y when she was
#n%ons%io#s. So they had no %hoi%e $#t to aid in her re%k!essness. Even tho#gh "athan tried so
hard to harness her rage& he had no %hoi%e $#t !et her $e who she was. >ho she is.,
A!! these years 9 tho#ght 9 was getting away with something. >as 9 =#st a rat in a ma?e@ A
wave of na#sea s!ams into my stoma%h& and 9 swa!!ow a%id $a%k down. 9 want to hear the rest.
+e didn<t te!! me this m#%h. And 9 need to know the tr#th.
*B#t a s%ientist named Berard %reated another dr#g that he $e!ieved %o#!d tri%k her mind
into %ontin#ing prod#%tion witho#t a!!owing her any physi%a! a%tivity at a!!.,
.y father takes a gr#ff $reath. *So& if they %at%h her...,
*They %an make her a vegeta$!e and %ontin#e #sing her 0"A to manip#!ate the pop#!ation
of Anti#s., .y heart ra%es& and 9 think 9 might a%t#a!!y vomit. *>e %an<t !et that happen. She
%an<t $e Cori if she %an<t $e free.,
*+ow do yo# know so m#%h a$o#t this@, That<s what 9<d !ike to know& too.
*9 %an<t...,
*9<m not the kind of man yo# want to !ie to.,
*She<!! never forgive me if she knows., +is voi%e is weak& !ike he might $e %rying. .y heart
is $eating so fast and so !o#d& 9 %an $are!y hear him.
*H#st te!! me the tr#th. 9t<s going to eat yo# #p #nti! yo# do. 9t<s a!ready eating yo# #p& a!!
this time. >hatever it is.,
*.r. Co!e& $efore we !eft Anti#s 9 had $een drawing the %hemi%a! off her $rain for two
years. 9 interned in %hemistry sin%e 9 was fifteen& and 9 vo!#nteered to perform the harvest. The
other g#y was too ro#gh with her& so 9 asked to do it. They were impressed $y my initiative&
that<s the on!y reason they !et me do it. B#t 9 swear& 9 did it to prote%t her. 9 wo#!d never h#rt her.
As soon as 9 fo#nd o#t what Berard was working on& 9 transferred to te%hno!ogy to find a way to
he!p her es%ape.,
Before 9 even rea!i?e 9<ve gotten #p& 9<m r#nning toward 0y!an& rage f#e!ing every step. .y
father drops a %#p of dark $rown& steaming !i)#id on the ta$!e& and it topp!es to the f!oor&
shattering on impa%t. 9 s!am into 0y!an& kno%king him to the f!oor. >hen 9 get my !egs a%ross his
%hest& 9 wrap my fingers aro#nd his ne%k and s)#ee?e. *+ow %o#!d yo#@ 9 tr#sted yo# with
everything.,
+e doesn<t fight me& he =#st ho!ds his hands in the air& granting me a%%ess to anything 9
%hoose to in=#re& $#t 9<m not rea!!y s)#ee?ing his throat hard eno#gh. As tears spi!! over my
%heeks& 9 s!am the $ottom of my fist against his %hest. *+ow %o#!d yo# do that witho#t me
knowing@ +ow %ome 9 never knew& 0y!an@,
Sti!! stradd!ing his %hest& 9 rea%h to my head trying to find a ho!e& an in%ision& anything. .y
finger !ands on a ro#gh pat%h& !ike a giant %a!!o#s& =#st inside my hair!ine $ehind my ear. 9t<s
may$e two in%hes from where my %hip was. *9s this where yo# p#t the need!es& 0y!an@,
*9<m sorry& Cori. 9<m so sorry.,
*"o& yo# te!! me. Te!! me how., +e doesn<t speak and 9 s!ap his %heek& hard.
Arms wrap aro#nd me and yank me from him& and 9 f!ai! against the person $ehind me. And
it<s not my father& $e%a#se 9 see my father he!ping 0y!an to his feet.
*Te!! meC,
*Cori& we smoked yo#r room in the midd!e of the night& and did the e(tra%tions whi!e yo#
were #n%ons%io#s. 9 didn<t want yo# to wake #p d#ring a pro%ed#re !ike that. 9t wo#!d $e
e(%r#%iating.,
Smoked my room to kno%k me o#t@ >as anything 9 ever did my own %hoi%e or was 9 =#st
their p#ppet a!! a!ong@
*So yo# vio!ated me in my s!eep@ /or what@ S%ien%e@ .edi%ine@ Ao#<re a monster =#st !ike
yo#r father., 9 spit at his feet& $#t miss. So!diers a!! aro#nd the room stare at me thro#gh s!eepy
eyes& no do#$t awakened $y my s%reaming.
*That<s eno#gh& Corinne&, my father sho#ts as he gra$s my arms and drags me down the
ha!!. 9 !ook over my sho#!der a$o#t to ye!! again when 9 see 0y!an in the ha!!& knee!ing with his
head in his hands.
Aro#nd a few %orners and down a few ha!!s& my father sh#ts a door $ehind #s. +is $edroom.
*Ao# %an s!eep here.,
The $ed is #nmade& 9 ass#me $e%a#se he<d $een trying to s!eep $efore %oming to the
%ommon area. 9 %ross my arms and stare at the f!oor& sti!! f#ming. 9s there a sing!e person who
won<t $etray me@ 0id -an%e and Tit#s@
0id Corne!i#s@
9<m %omp!ete!y h#mi!iated at the tho#ght of "athan and a!! his threats& him knowing a!! the
whi!e that he wo#!d never fo!!ow thro#gh with them. 9 a%t#a!!y "eared him.
Regard!ess of how angry 9 am& one pie%e of information sti%ks4 if they %at%h me& they<!! p#t
me #nder and keep me there. 9 wo#!d rather die. .y knees go weak& and my father %at%hes me
and eases me onto his $ed.
>hen my head hits the pi!!ow& tears fi!! my eyes again. .y father p#!!s the $!ankets #p
aro#nd me& pressing them down at the sides so 9<m sn#g and warm. >hen he kisses my forehead&
9 whimper as dread %ons#mes me $e%a#se this moment sho#!d $e a happy one. 9<ve missed my
father& and even if he<s disappointed in my o#t$#rst& 9<m g!ad to $e near him.
9 #se my s!eeve to wipe my fa%e& and 9 stare at the %ei!ing #nti! 0ad !eaves. Then 9 t#rn on
my side and %#r! into a $a!! #nti! he ret#rns in the morning.
E E E
*Breakfast&, he says.
*9<m not h#ngry.,
*9 fig#red yo#<d want to eat in private.,
9 !ook #p and he<s ho!ding a p!ate of food and g!ass of water. +e sets them on a nightstand
whi!e 9 sit #p and sit#ate the $!ankets. *Thanks& 0ad.,
*9t<s rea!!y great to have yo# here& yo# know. 9<ve missed yo#.,
*.e& too.,
+e sits at the foot of the $ed& %rossing his arms. A grima%e %ontorts his feat#res& !ike there<s
something he wants to ta!k a$o#t. 9 have a fee!ing what it might $e.
*1!ease& don<t.,
*>e =#st need to %!ear the air. >e<re heading to $att!e today. 6ives wi!! $e !ost& things are
tense eno#gh.,
*>hat are yo# s#ggesting@, 9 %ross my arms $efore 9 rea!i?e 9<m doing the same thing as
him. 9 #n%ross them and drop my hands to my !ap.
*>e!!& it<s #p to yo#& rea!!y. >e =#st %an<t have another o#t$#rst !ike that.,
*0o yo# have any idea how $etrayed 9 fee!@ +ow st#pid and naive@,
*And h#rt& too& 9<m s#re. 9 %an te!! yo# g#ys %are a !ot a$o#t ea%h other.,
*>e were $est friends.,
*0o yo# !ove him@,
*"o& 0ad&, 9 say& too defensive!y. 9 %!#t%h at the $ed sheet and t#g it #p over my knees.
*9f yo# de%ide yo# might& yo#<re going to have to forgive him.,
*"ot today., 9 stee! my fa%e and fina!!y meet his eyes.
+e kisses me on the forehead $efore !eaving me a!one with my $reakfast and the %o!dness in
my heart. 9 don<t need 0y!an& =#st my o$=e%tive. 9 know the mission& and if we didn<t need him to
$rea%h the 8nderage $#i!ding& 9 wo#!dn<t even want him to %ome.
9 shower and dress myse!f in %!othing Faren gave me. 9 p#!! my hair $a%k into a tight
ponytai! to keep it o#t of the way& $#t 9 p#t it higher on my head than the Anti#s women do.
>hen the troops gather to !eave& we meet #p in the front !awn of .er%y. There are severa!
$#i!dings %!#stered together& a!! made of $ri%ks and ro%ks. Trees and even some f!owers de%orate
the gro#nds. "one of the $#i!dings are ta!!er than a sing!e story& $#t they<re deep and wide.
A !ong !ine of vehi%!es'a!! e)#ipped with $!a%k so!ar pane!s'!eads a!! the way #p to a
r#sty gate on the stone wa!!s. The wa!!s aren<t as ta!! as Anti#s<s fen%es& $#t 9<m s#re they serve
some p#rpose.
9<m s#rprised to see there are a%t#a!!y a handf#! of fema!e so!diers to my !eft. They m#st
have s!ept in another $#i!ding. Two of them are sma!!& $#t the other is pretty $eefed #p& and they
!ook a!ike. Sisters may$e. The e!dest of the three appears to $e $are!y in her thirties& the others
pro$a$!y in their twenties. They have !ong& straight& $!onde hair $raided down their $a%ks.
9 g!an%e over my right sho#!der and spot 0y!an standing ne(t to my father& who<s showing
him how to re!oad a g#n. 0y!an<s eyes drift to me& and 9 t#rn !eft and =oin the $!onde women.
9 don<t $other introd#%ing myse!f& 9 =#st %he%k my weapon again and then the e(tra %!ips in
the po#%h s!#ng a%ross my %hest.
>hen the men $egin !oading onto vehi%!es& 9 fo!!ow the gir!s& $#t my father gra$s my e!$ow.
*Ride with #s.,
9 p#!! my arm from his grip and stomp toward the se%ond vehi%!e'a sports #ti!ity with three
rows of seats. 0ad opens the $a%k door& and 9 %raw! into the midd!e row and s!ide a%ross& then he
fo!!ows. 0y!an sits $ehind me.
>e drive thro#gh the day and the night. >hen we get to the !o%ation .a( and the others
agreed on& we set #p %amp and s!eep in shifts we!! into the afternoon.
>hen 9 wake #p& 0y!an is near& readying my pa%k. +e worked on it nonstop for two days
and has revisited it a few times sin%e. +e<s not #sed to the materia!s he had to work with.
9 sit #p& r#$ my eyes. The s#n is a!most set& so 9 know 9 don<t have m#%h time !eft. 9 wish 9
was going in with a!! these $rave so!diers to have my $a%k& $#t the first and most %riti%a! step in
this p!an re)#ires me to go a!one. 9 sho#!d $e #sed to that& right@
9 p#t the s!ing over my sho#!der and p#t it in p!a%e a%ross my %hest. 9t has a po#%h for my
%!ips near my hip& a snapping ho!ster for my knife& and ?ipper po%kets for the other s#pp!ies
0y!an wanted me to have. 9 have a separate ho!ster a%ross my hips for my g#n'9<m sti!! #sing
the one 0y!an got off the dead g#ard. 9 !ike this g#n. >hen 9 snap the $#%k!e on my g#n ho!ster& 9
!ook #p and 0y!an stands in front of me ho!ding the pa%k. 9 think $a%k to the !ast time 9 %!im$ed
with one of his pa%ks knowing& this is going to work.
0y!an p#ts the $ag on my sho#!ders& ad=#sting it #nti! it<s perfe%t& and 9 snap the $#%k!es
myse!f. 9 don<t meet his eyes& and 9 don<t speak. +e t#gs on the straps in a few different p!a%es.
*Some movement@, he asks =#st !o#d eno#gh for me to hear.
9 $o#n%e #p and down on the $a!!s of my feet. 9 gra$ the straps and =erk my $ody weight one
dire%tion and the other. 9t stays in p!a%e& and there doesn<t seem to $e any s!a%k. 9t<s a perfe%t fit.
9 wear a fitted t;shirt& %argo pants& and shoes 0y!an modified. They are a!! the same dark
gray %o!or as the %!o#d$ank. The strap& ho!ster& and pa%k are a!! gray& too. 9 sho#!d $!end into the
night. That<s the idea anyway.
9 want to ask how 9 !ook $#t de%ide against it.
The !ook on 0y!an<s fa%e is that of wonder. Or marve!. So 9 take the pa%k off and !eave it at
his feet. 9 head to find my father& $#t .a( inter%epts me.
*Ready to move o#t& Cori@, .a( hasn<t addressed me dire%t!y $efore.
Ready or not& this is happening. *Aes& sir.,
*6et<s go then., +e %!aps me on the sho#!der and f!ashes a %rooked grin.
Chapter Twenty
>e !eave the vehi%!es pa%ked and fa%ing .er%y at the %ampsite. A few men stay to g#ard
them whi!e the rest of #s head to Anti#s on foot. >e %an<t risk the noise of engines any %!oser&
and the woods are too dense for tr#%ks& anyway.
As we grow nearer the %ompo#nd that was my prison for so !ong& my heart $eats faster. .y
father f!anks my !eft side& .a( my right. 0y!an is somewhere $ehind me with my pa%k& whi%h he
insists on %arrying.
>hen the spot!ights sweep thro#gh the trees ahead& the three of #s knee!& and the others
si!ent!y fo!!ow o#r !ead. $ere close, 9 think& with a !#mp in my throat. 9 try to swa!!ow it& $#t
9<m too an(io#s.
Staying !ow& we advan%e. After the ro#tine sweeps are done& the spot!ights disappear. Sweat
%overs my ne%k and forehead as we stop a$o#t twe!ve feet from the tree !ine& everyone drawing
their weapons.
0y!an approa%hes me with my pa%k and gest#res for me to p#t it on. 9 t#rn my $a%k to him&
and as he p!a%es the straps on my sho#!ders& he !eans toward me and speaks )#iet!y. *9
#nderstand yo#<re angry& $#t 9 need yo# to know something.,
9 don<t want to hear any more !ies& so 9 don<t respond.
*Ao# want to know it a!!& right@ The who!e tr#th@, As many se%rets as he keeps& 9 %o#!d
pro$a$!y never know it all.
+e steps $a%k in front of me& g!an%ing at my shaking hands. >hen 9 don<t move for the
$#%k!es& he snaps the first one and his hands !inger on the materia!. *So& here<s yo#r f#!!
dis%!os#re. 9 !ove yo#. And 9<!! do anything to prote%t yo#. #nything.,
9 take a few deep $reaths& $#t keep my fa%e $!ank. And 9 won<t !ook at himD 9 never do when
9 "eel something.
*So if there<s any part of yo# that sti!! %ares for me at a!!& p!ease& $e %aref#!. And don<t get
%a#ght.,
'lick. 9 snap the se%ond $#%k!e and $a%k away. +e gra$s my hand& and 9 know there<s more
he wants to say& $#t it<s too !ate. 9 don<t want his f#!! dis%!os#re anymore.
*6et go.,
+e re!eases me& and it<s a!most too dark to see his e(pression& $#t not dark eno#gh. 9 think
of my father te!!ing me to %!ear the air& $#t 9 have nothing to say. 9 t#g my g!oves on and shake
my hands o#t& $o#n%ing on my feet to get the $!ood p#mping.
One of .a(<s men& Hason& sets #p ne(t to a tree with a !arge g#n. >e gave some so!diers a
head start& and there should $e fo#r more g#ns =#st !ike this one near the other perimeter towers.
>e don<t have any way to know& we =#st have to hope we gave them eno#gh time to get in p!a%e.
9 take deep $reaths in& then o#t. 9n& then o#t. Its ,ust like the escape trial, 9 te!! myse!f. I can
do this.
.a( steps $a%k from Hason and waves for everyone to $a%k #p. Hason takes aim and re!eases
a $reath as he p#!!s the trigger. The g#n !a#n%hes a si!ver %anister at the g#ard tower& e%hoing a
soft $oom. The spot!ight fires #p and my heart ra%es faster& pani% stri%ken. Before the !ight
%omes near #s it goes s!a%k& shifts skyward& and free?es& shining on the gray %!o#ds.
*BoC, Hason sho#ts.
9 spring from the tree !ine o#t into the open& and 9 don<t hear a thing& not even my own
footsteps. >hen 9<m a!most to the tower& 9 see smoke %oming o#t of the opening aro#nd the
spot!ight. It worked.
9 rea%h aro#nd the meta! post and %!im$ )#i%k!y. This tower doesn<t have a de%k !ike the
interior ones& so 9 have to %!im$ in thro#gh the window.
On%e inside& 9 whip aro#nd& re!ieved to find every g#ard #n%ons%io#s in the f!oor. .ost of
the smoke has dissipated $#t 9 p#!! a $andanna from my ne%k anyway& =#st in %ase. 9 find the man
who gra$$ed the spot!ight hand!e on his way down& r#sh to him& and p#!! his arm away. 9f the
other g#ns were not in p!a%e& 9 don<t want this spot!ight to tip off the other towers.
9 aim the !ight at the gro#nd #nti! 9 fig#re o#t how to t#rn it off. 9 find a swit%h on the top&
whi%h 9 have to tiptoe to rea%h. 9 f!ip it& and the !ight powers down.
9 $rief!y %he%k the %omp#ter s%reen for eviden%e that 9<ve set anything off& $#t 9 don<t see
f!ashing or a!erts& not that 9 know eno#gh a$o#t %omp#ters to te!! more.
9 head $a%k to the window& stand on the !edge& and rea%h for the roof. 9 have to get on my
tiptoes& whi%h is #nnerving this high #p. H#st as 9 fee! a !itt!e $ree?e& my fingers %onne%t with the
roof& and 9 !at%h on. 9 p#!! myse!f onto the roof in se%onds $efore fo%#sing on the %ompo#nd.
>itho#t another tho#ght& 9 r#n a few steps and !eap off.
.idair& 9 p#!! the %ords and my wings e(pand. 9 %an<t see the perimeter& nor do 9 know its
height& $#t 0y!an seemed %onfident this wo#!d work. &e better be right, unless he really is
trying to get me killed.
9 fee! !ike 9<m dipping too !ow& so 9 t#%k my feet to my %hest as one of my wings tips and
hits the for%efie!d. The $!ow for%es my wings to sway the other dire%tion whi!e 9 des%end
#neven!y and rapid!y toward the gro#nd& trying desperate!y to right myse!f.
+itting the gro#nd hard& 9 f!ip over the wings& re!easing them from my pa%k then ro!!ing
forward with one knee on the gro#nd. >hen 9 to#%h the grass with my fingertips& 9 prope! myse!f
into a sprint. >ith near!y a mi!e to the inner fen%e& 9 pa%e my $reaths $#t r#n as )#i%k!y as 9 %an.
To my s#rprise and re!ief& no one shoots at me& whi%h is a good sign that o#r g#ys took o#t the
other towers.
/ina!!y rea%hing the fen%e& 9 drop my $ag and t#g it open& removing $o!t %#tters and thi%ker
g!oves. One pie%e at a time& 9 %#t a ho!e in the fen%e. Even tho#gh e!e%tri%ity sho%ks and sparks
on %onta%t with the %#tters& $etween the r#$$er grips and the padded g!oves& 9 don<t fee! it. Every
m#s%!e in my arms are tensed& and my fa%e is %ontorted with an(iety for a sho%k that 9 hope
doesn<t %ome.
On%e the ho!e is !arge eno#gh& 9 p#t the pa%k on and %!im$ thro#gh& %aref#! not to !et the
edges to#%h my skin. +a!fway thro#gh& my pant !eg %at%hes on the fen%e& and 9 writhe to get it
free. The =agged fen%e edge =ams into my thigh. 9 pani% and yank my !eg away e(pe%ting to $e
e!e%tro%#ted'$#t when 9<m %!ear& 9 rea!i?e it<s a s%rap 9 %#t off& not the !ive fen%e. And the s%rap
is sti!! in my !eg.
9 have no time to waste& so 9 take a deep $reath and =erk the meta! o#t& tossing it on the
gro#nd and ignoring the pain. +opping to my feet& 9 whip aro#nd and spot the $a%k of the
8nderage $#i!ding. .y heart e(p!odes with an(iety and =oy. This is happening. I can really do
this.
9 sprint toward the $#i!ding& an(io#s to get %!ear of the open spa%e. >hi!e 9 s!ide a!ongside
8nderage& 9 make s#re to %he%k every dire%tion'9 %an<t get %a#ght. Rea%hing the %orner& 9 spot
the s#pp!y $#i!ding& =#st !ike $efore. 9 %he%k the area for g#ards then r#sh a%ross the divide and
d#%k $ehind the shed. 9 step $a%k a few yards and get a r#nning start toward the $#i!ding then
!eap #p the side. 9t might $e easier to get tra%tion if this $#i!ding was made of wood instead of
%on%rete& $#t 9 make it #p nonethe!ess.
9 grip the !edge of a high window and s!am my fist thro#gh. 9 %!im$ in witho#t $othering to
%!ear the g!ass shards. .y arms shake #nti! 9<m inside and knee!ing on a high she!f of sto%k.
After !anding on the f!oor with a th#d& 9 sear%h #p and down the ais!es for the $!a%k pane!
0y!an to!d me to find $#t don<t see it. Im wasting time. Im going to get caught.
Ref#sing to give #p& 9 whip aro#nd in desperation. 9 pa%e the who!e p!a%e again& !ooking
%!oser. Then 9 see it'a !arge %rate that seems o#t of p!a%e& protr#ding from one of the !ower
she!ves& and 9 move it onto the f!oor. Re!ief ripp!es thro#gh me as 9 !ay eyes on a $!a%k& meta!
%ase& atta%hed to the wa!!& !ike an e!e%tri%a! pane!.
Taking a deep $reath& 9 pry it open with the $o!t %#tters then rea%h in my pa%k. 9 p#!! o#t a
sma!! devi%e with a $!#e s%reen and power it on. 9 %!ip wire %oating from the inside of the pane!
$efore atta%hing wires from the devi%e to the e(posed ones. >ith a sma!! f!ash!ight in my mo#th&
9 mat%h the %o!ors !ike 0y!an showed me. Then 9 p#n%h in a n#meri% %ode& e(a%t!y as 9 rehearsed
with 0y!an. A%t#a!!y& n#m$ers are a!most the on!y things 9<ve said to him !ate!y. B#t 9 %an worry
a$o#t that !ater. /or now& my mind is a h#ndred per%ent on 6o& and 9 %an<t think a$o#t why or
how or anything other than my o$=e%tive.
9 have to try the se)#en%e three times $efore 9 get it right. And when 9<m s#re 9<ve done it
%orre%t!y& nothing happens. 9<m not s#re what<s s#pposed to happen& 9 =#st have to tr#st it<s right.
>hen 9 %!ose the pane! and st#ff the gear $a%k in my $ag& 9 hear the door open and %!ose&
then $oots on the f!oor %oming toward me. 9 hear a few m#ff!ed voi%es o#tside& and 9 know 9<m
$#sted. B#t 9 won<t go down witho#t a fight.
.y heart rate seems to do#$!e whi!e 9 !isten for an a!arm& $#t 9 don<t hear one. 9 t#%k my
!egs so 9<m tota!!y inside the $ottom she!f& $#t the %rate is going to %at%h his attention. 0id he
hear me $reak the g!ass@
9 grow too nervo#s to stay down here& it<s the worst possi$!e position. 9 peek o#t and don<t
see anyone& so 9 =#mp o#t and %!im$ the she!ving. The noise of my movement draws the g#ard<s
attention and he $arre!s toward me.
/or a sp!it se%ond 9 fee! fro?en in time as he %harges at me. 9<ve had p!enty of en%o#nters
with g#ards& $#t none !ike this. And not one;on;one. This is rea! danger. 1#shing the fear of him
away& 9 p#!! my g#n and !eap from the she!f& wrapping my !egs aro#nd him. +e str#gg!es against
me& $#t 9 s!am the $#tt of my g#n into his temp!e. +e goes !imp on top of my !eg& and 9 a!most
s%ream $#t stif!e it.
9 s!ip o#t the door& %he%king for more g#ards $efore r#nning $a%k for the fen%e. 9 s!ide
thro#gh the ho!e with ease this time& and it<s p#re adrena!ine that keeps me going.
As 9 make the trek a%ross no man<s !and& my !#ngs $#rn and my h#rt !eg thro$s. /or the first
time& rea!!y& 9<m gratef#! for a!! the ho#rs 9 spent on treadmi!!s over the years. An eternity !ater& 9
find the first $ron?e po!e 9 %an and knee! in front of it& $are!y noti%ing the shadows waiting for
me in the tree !ine near$y. 9 point the devi%e at the po!e and p#n%h *transmit.,
+o!ding my $reath& 9 toss a ro%k at the for%e perimeter and it goes thro#gh. A deep sigh
es%apes me'9 opened an entran%e. 9 wave toward the woods and the %ava!ry r#ns toward me. As
9 see them getting %!ose& 9 smi!e& happy and pro#d to have p#!!ed it off. That was the hard part, 9
te!! myse!f.
B#t 9 hear a fami!iar so#nd& one that 9<!! never forget. Something e!e%troni% $#??es inside the
po!e and a s!ot opens& re!easing a devi%e =#st !ike the mine that got me when we es%aped. 9t s!ams
hard into my %hest& kno%king me off $a!an%e. 9 !and on the trigger devi%e and the first so!dier to
%ross the for%efie!d doesn<t make it thro#gh. The tip of his g#n ri%o%hets off& kno%king him $a%k.
Sho%ked and defeated& 9 stare at my %omrades not more than ten feet away& $#t they %an<t %ome
thro#gh.
1ani% s#rges thro#gh me whi!e 9 %!#t%h at the devi%e on my %hest trying to pry it off. 9
attempt to keep myse!f %a!m& $#t 9 fee! the %hemi%a! piping in and know 9<m r#nning o#t of time.
9 draw my weapon and wease! the tip $etween my %hest and the $ot and ang!e it o#tward. 9
sear%h the men<s fa%es for my father<s& trying to garner the g#mption 9<!! need& $#t 9 don<t find
him.
This is the d#m$est thing 9<!! ever do.
9 s)#ee?e my eyes %!osed& ti!ting my head $a%k and away& and p#!! the trigger. The $ot sp!its
in two and 9 %o#!d swear 9 fee! prongs s%raping $ones. >ith the mine $roken& 9 mane#ver the
%!aws o#t of my %hest. B#t 9 a!ready fee! woo?y.
9 retrieve the fa!!en transmitter and send the signa! again. 9 fina!!y see my father with .a(&
and 0y!an& a!! !ooking on with horror from the other side& he!p!ess on!y a few yards away. 9 wave
to them& and they test the spa%e $etween #s $efore r#shing thro#gh.
.y father s%oops me onto my feet& assessing me. +e %at%hes Hason $y the s!eeve. *Bet her
o#t of here.,
*"o&, 9 sho#t& steadying myse!f on 0ad<s arm. *9<m fine., Then 9 !et go to %onvin%e him.
9<m not sitting o#t of this mission. One moment he<s str#gg!ing to de%ide& and the ne(t we<re
=ogging toward Anti#s<s fen%es.
So!diers f!ood in& and there<s more than $efore so the other gro#ps m#st have %a#ght #p
whi!e they were waiting for me. 9 !ead the men to the ho!e 9 made& then two men step #p with
saws and %#t giant openings in mere se%onds. They move over to %reate more openings whi!e the
rest of #s po#r into Anti#s.
.oments !ater& 9 stand $y the $a%k door of 8nderage and !ook aro#nd #nti! 9 see 0y!an
r#nning. Rea%hing me& he p#!!s a different me%hanism from his $ag. >itho#t a se%ond g!an%e my
way& he s%ans it in front of the %hip s%anner& and it grants him a%%ess. On%e he p#!!s the door
open& we %harge the $#i!ding.
+a!f the gro#p fo!!ows me #pstairs to the gir!s< f!oor and the others fo!!ow 0y!an to the
$oys< wing. At the top of the stairs& with .a( and my father on my hee!s& 9 t#rn a %orner and
%ome fa%e;to;fa%e with a start!ed yo#ng g#ard who f#m$!es for his g#n.
.a( p#ts a $#!!et in his head& and the rest of #s fan o#t& p#!!ing gir!s from their $eds. They
s%ream in pani%& and 9 rea!i?e how impossi$!e it<!! $e to %onvin%e them we<re not trying to h#rt
them. 9 dip o#t into the ha!! and try to rea%h as many of them as 9 %an. >hen they !o%k eyes with
me& they )#iet down. >hen 9 te!! them everything<s okay& they nod and stop fighting. B#t there
are too many to rea%h one;$y;one'we don<t have eno#gh time. .y heart a%hes for their
%onf#sion and fear& and 9<m desperate to p#t them at ease.
9 gra$ the two %!osest so!diers 9 %an find. *6ift me #p., They !ook %onf#sed $#t ea%h gra$ a
!eg and hoist me #p $etween them. *Bir!sC, .ost of them stop and !ook at me. *>e<re here to
he!p yo#& to take yo# somewhere safe. These men won<t h#rt yo#., 9t fina!!y o%%#rs to me that
most of these kids haven<t en%o#ntered men on any sort of reg#!ar $asis& and %ertain!y not #p
%!ose sin%e a!! of their %aretakers and tea%hers are women. The on!y men they<ve known are
g#ards. Armed ones.
Crying gir!s and teenagers fo!!ow the so!diers to the stairwe!!. +earing g#nshots from that
dire%tion& 9 r#n& d#%king aro#nd men and gir!s a!ike. .a( shoots down the stairwe!! as s%reaming
gir!s $a%k away from the g#nshots.
9n a sp!it se%ond& 9 remem$er the way the men in The City s#rro#nded the women and
%hi!dren to prote%t them. *S#rro#nd the gir!s. Every$ody spread o#t. Ao# g#ys $ring #p the rear&
yo# g#ys fo!!ow me. Feep them en%ir%!ed.,
.a(<s men spread o#t and take #p the $orders of the terrified gir!s.
*.ove forwardC, 9 take the !ead and peek down the stairwe!!& a so!dier at the $ottom shoots.
9 d#%k and fire a shot of my own& hitting him somewhere aro#nd the sho#!der. As he goes down&
9 r#n to disarm him.
9 %he%k the ha!! at the $ase of the stairs'where 9 first fo#ght Sean and Bi!!y'and the %oast
is %!ear. *Bring them downC,
>hen we get the gir!s o#t the $a%k door& the $oys are a!ready headed for the fen%e whi!e
Commanders Emi!io and .i%he!!e g#ide them thro#gh& for%ing them to fan o#t and not a!! e(it
the same ho!e.
0ad& .a(& and 0y!an regro#p with severa! %ommanders. 9 =og to them& !ooking over my
sho#!der as the kids are !ed to safety. Before they make the trek $a%k to the perimeter& .i%he!!e
and Emi!io form a !ine of so!diers in front with their weapons drawn& hopef#!!y prepared to trip
mines !ike 9 did.
*The women<s $#i!ding@, 9 ask& somewhat desperate!y. A!! the kids #nder five are there.
9<ve never fe!t so a!ive and motivated& and 9 don<t want it to stop. /rom here o#t& 9 on!y ever want
good to %ome of my a%tions. 9f we %an save more& 9 want to. 9 have to.
*Aes& we<re going there ne(t& $#t we<ve given them ha!f of o#r troops to g#arding the
%hi!dren. +ow do we pro%eed@, .a( !ooks to me. 9 $!ink& trying to pro%ess how 9 $e%ame in
%harge of this raid.
*9f 0y!an %an get #s in& we %an infi!trate the same way we did 8nderage. B#t it<!! $e more
heavi!y g#arded. 0y!an@,
+e wipes the poo!ing sweat of his forehead. *9 think we sho#!d go in the front entran%e& it
wi!! give #s easier a%%ess to a!! three f!oors.,
A g#nshot rings o#t and we a!! aim in its dire%tion. The 6akeview %ommander& Hohn& goes
down with $!ood on his %hest. The rest of #s fan o#t& trying to %onf#se the shooter and !o%ate
him. Other Anti#s so!diers fire& whi!e Emi!io !eads a sma!! s)#ad that fires $a%k as Anti#s<s
sirens $!are.
Hason d#%ks aro#nd a %orner and ro!!s o#t into the open. +e fires his g#n and the Anti#s
sniper goes down& $#t strikes Hason& too. 9 r#n to him and someone he!ps me drag him aro#nd the
$#i!ding. Two of his %omrades wrap his arms over their sho#!ders and %arry him after the
es%aping %hi!dren.
*Sp!it #p&, .a( %a!!s as more enemy g#ards show #p and more g#nshots ring o#t. >e a!!
fire $a%k and take t#rns re!oading.
9 %at%h #p to 0y!an and gra$ onto his shirt to get his attention. +is hand shakes& and the g#n
!ooks awkward in his grip. 9 %an te!! $y his e(pression that he had to #se it.
*6et<s go&, 9 en%o#rage& gent!y.
Sti!! in a $it of a tran%e& he nods and !eads the way whi!e 9 %over #s. On%e we rea%h the door&
he goes to work on the a%%ess whi!e 9 keep my $a%k to him and my g#n on the $att!e. "o one
seems to have noti%ed #s& $#t 9 see a spot!ight f!are #p and know the other snipers wi!! $e o#t
soon.
The a%%ess pad $eeps and then the door opens. 9 $a%k inside after 0y!an as a handf#! of o#r
so!diers %at%h #p& in%!#ding .a(. >e take o#t two g#ards at the entran%e. 9 aim for the knees&
.a( aims for the heart. "either of #s misses.
*The third f!oor is where they keep the sma!! %hi!dren and infants. >e sho#!d start there.,
0y!an heads for the stairs and severa! fo!!ow.
As more so!diers enter the front door& 9 stay on the first f!oor to !ook for women whi!e 9 hope
someone addresses the midd!e f!oor. >e head down the ha!! and take o#t a %o#p!e more g#ards.
.a( %overs me whi!e 9 enter a room to ro#se a woman. She<s yo#ng& and her eyes !ook a!most
empty.
*9<m here to he!p., She stares at me. *>e have to go now.,
*Bo where@, She wipes her tired eyes. *9 don<t want to go anywhere.,
*1!ease& =#st %ome with me. >e<re getting the $a$ies o#t& too. Ao# %an see them again., 9 try
to appea! to her materna! instin%ts& hoping they<re sti!! in there somewhere.
She seems re!#%tant $#t fo!!ows. >hen we rea%h the ha!!way& other women are a!ready o#t
there& and severa! stand in their doorways wat%hing& #nwi!!ing to move. 9 sear%h every fa%e
hoping to find Binny& $#t don<t.
*1!ease& if yo# want o#t& %ome with #s., .y eyes $#rn as 9 p!ead with the women& knowing
they won<t $e as easy to %onvin%e as the kids were'the kids aren<t dr#gged. 9t takes m#%h
!onger to gather the women& and on%e we<ve gotten as many to fo!!ow #s as we %an& .a( te!!s me
we have to go.
9 fo!!ow him $a%k to the entran%e& $#t g#nshots ridd!e that side of the $#i!ding. /rom how
hard they<re hitting& 9<d say it in%!#des sniper fire. 0y!an r#ns down the stairs. *Ba%k doorC,
A .er%y so!dier who m#st not have heard 0y!an t#gs open the front door and takes a $#!!et
to the %hest& then three women $ehind him are str#%k as we!!. >e r#sh the entran%e& 0y!an
s!amming the door %!osed whi!e 9 try to get the wo#nded women to their feet. On!y one of the
three gets #p. The terror in her eyes strikes %o!d to my %ore& and for a se%ond 9<m fro?en !ooking
at her& a%hing for her. Then a $#!!et f!ies into her %hest& and 9 fa!! to my knees& %at%hing her and
easing her down.
*6eave herC, .a( %a!!s& and 9 shake myse!f o#t of my tran%e. +e stands over the g#ard 9 shot
in the knee& having =#st p#t a $#!!et in his head. 9 si!ent!y ki%k myse!f for not shooting him in the
%hest to $egin with.
9 fo!!ow .a( to the $a%k side of the $#i!ding& where %aretakers are %arrying $a$ies and sma!!
%hi!dren down the stair%ase $ehind 0y!an. 0y!an $reaks thro#gh the $a%k door& not $othering
with the a%%ess pad.
B#!!ets ?ip thro#gh the doorway and 0y!an s!ams it %!osed.
$ere trapped& 9 think. 1ani%king& 9 rea!i?e may$e we sho#!d have taken the kids and gone.
B#t how %o#!d we have done that@
*>hat now@, 9 sho#t to 0y!an& tired of %a!!ing the shots.
0y!an and .a( %orra! the women away from the entran%e& for%ing them into a ha!!way with
no windows& where they h#nker down& terrified.
A g#ard p#shes thro#gh the $a%k door and .a( takes him o#t =#st as )#i%k!y& p#shing the
$ody $a%k o#tside and %!osing the door again.
*+ow many are o#t there@, 9 ask& desperate!y& hoping he saw.
Before .a( %an answer& one of his g#ys yanks a rif!e off the $ody of an Anti#s g#ard and
r#shes #p the stairs& and 9 fo!!ow after him& rea!i?ing what he<s going to do. >itho#t a word to
one another& we $#st o#t g!ass panes and find the g#ards shooting #p the $a%k of >omen<s. 9n
the time it takes me to !o%ate and shoot one g#ard& my %omrade shoots two& and there<s no one
e!se to fire on.
Ba%k downstairs& 9 nod for 0y!an to try the $a%k door again& this time making the women
take %over away from the doorway.
*9t<s %!earC, Everyone we<ve ro#nded #p po#rs o#t the $a%k.
Two men g#ard the door in %ase any so!diers %ome thro#gh the front whi!e 9 %reep aro#nd to
see what<s happening in the %enter of the %ompo#nd. 9 see most!y Ref#ge so!diers sti!! standing.
The sniper from the %enter tower is sti!! firing& and two of Emi!io<s troops go down.
*.a(& get them o#t of here., 9 toss my pa%k at him and take off for the tower. On my way& 9
d#%k and weave& wondering why on!y this tower is firing. 9 hear 0y!an %a!!ing after me& $#t %an<t
make o#t what he says. Dont "ollow me& 9 think as 9 rea!i?e 9<m r#nning into open $att!e toward
a high!y ski!!ed sniper.
9 go straight for the !adder& thankf#! 9 don<t have to s%a!e the post. "e(t& 9 s!ip onto the de%k
and d#%k $e!ow the open windows& %raw!ing aro#nd to the side with the sniper. As 9 sit $e!ow the
window& 9 %a!%#!ate one $#!!et !eft in my %!ip& $#t there<s no time to %hange it. +e fires another
shot& and one of the $!onde !ady;so!diers goes down. After the ne(t shot& 9<m going to stand and
fire. And 9 %an<t miss.
The ne(t shot doesn<t %ome& $#t $oots do. The sniper %omes o#t onto the de%k to take $etter
aim& and he stands right in front of me. 9 vag#e!y re%ogni?e him& making what 9<m a$o#t to do
even harder. 9 aim for his heart and fire into his $a%k. +e drops his rif!e& fa!!ing to his knees.
There<s no $!ood on his %hest& $#t he %!#t%hes it& t#rning to fa%e me. The $#!!et m#st sti!! $e in
there.
Another g#ard 9 re%ogni?e'Red from the perimeter tower' %omes o#t of the h#t and takes
in his fa!!en %omrade then takes in the sight of me. 9 =#mp on the handrai! and !eap onto the roof
!ike 9 did an eternity ago when this was =#st a game. +e fires $#t misses me. 9 r#n a%ross the roof
and swing over the edge& throwing myse!f inside the room& feet first& thro#gh the open window.
9 sta$ Red in the $a%k and p#!! the $!ade o#t $#t he t#rns to me& seeming #nfa?ed. +e %omes
for me& swinging his g#n my dire%tion. >itho#t a $etter idea& 9 s!i%e at his wrist. +e drops the
weapon and s%ram$!es for it whi!e $!ood spi!!s from his wrist and $a%k. As he knee!s to retrieve
the g#n& 9 sta$ him again& the fee! of my $!ade tearing into h#man f!esh si%kening me.
9 aim the spot!ight at the other towers& and it !ooks !ike they<ve a!! $een taken o#t. $e can
do this.
9 head $a%k toward the women<s %enter& knowing we %an<t risk the men<s %enter. >e sho#!d
get o#t whi!e we<re ahead. >e need to get o#t now. 9 sear%h everywhere for .a( and don<t find
him& so 9 ass#me he got the women and $a$ies to safety.
.ovement %at%hes my eye and 9 whip toward the #ndergro#nd $#i!ding. 0y!an<s on his
knees with "athan standing over him. +e =ams a need!e into 0y!an<s ne%k and 0y!an tenses&
gritting his teeth to keep from ye!!ing. 1#!!ing his g#n& "athan drags 0y!an to his feet and into
the e!evator. B!ood oo?es down 0y!an<s fa%e from a wo#nd near his eye and my heart !#r%hes in
my %hest.
*"oC, 9 re!ease a g#tt#ra! s%ream and r#n toward the e!evator. "athan smi!es as the doors
%!ose $etween #s. The e!evator disappears $efore 9 rea%h it. 9 fa!! to the gro#nd and po#nd on the
top of the %!osed e!evator shaft& s%reaming. $hy wasnt Dylan "ighting back7
9<m !ifted to my feet and swing a p#n%h& $!#shing when 9 make %onta%t with my father<s
%hin. *Corinne& we have to go. >e<re r#nning o#t of ammo. >e got what we %ame for.,
*"athan has him. +e has 0y!anC, The $#rning in my eyes intensifies with my desperation to
get to 0y!an. >e %an<t !eave him $ehind. 9 wont.
+e ponders for a se%ond& !ooking over his sho#!der. *+ow do we get inside@,
9 drop to my knees and p#n%h in the %ode 9 #sed to %a!! #p -an%e when 9 visited Corne!i#s. 9
haven<t seen him sin%e the day Corne!i#s died. >hi!e 9 wait& 9 swit%h my %!ip. The e!evator
arrives and -an%e stands inside it& !ooking franti%. +e p#!!s me into his arms& *Thank Bod., As
he re!eases me a $#!!et hits him in the %hest& right where my head =#st was.
*-an%eC,
+e groans& *Bet o#t of here.,
*-an%e& "athan took 0y!an. >e have to find him., >e pi!e into the e!evator with him and 9
he!p him p#t press#re on the wo#nd. .y dad fires shots o#t the e!evator #nti! the doors %!ose.
*>hi%h f!oor@, +e<s pa!e& and weak. 9 don<t know how m#%h !onger he %an hang on& and
there<s nothing 9 %an do. >hi%h f!oor@ >here wo#!d "athan take 0y!an@ +e !ooked me right in
the eye& !ike he wanted me to fo!!ow. So where wo#!d he want me to go@
*E!eventh f!oor. 6a$s., +e p#n%hes the $#tton and wipes the $!ood from his finger $efore
s%anning his print and his %hip. >hen the e!evator gets to e!even& 0ad he!ps -an%e into a safe
%orner.
>e hear so!diers sho#ting and r#nning& and we d#%k in the dark %orner with -an%e #nti!
they pass.
*To the stairwe!!. A!! hands topside&, one sho#ts and they head the opposite dire%tion. >hen
they<re gone& my father fo!!ows me down the ha!!.
9 hear 0y!an ye!!ing and r#n toward the so#nd. 9 t#rn a %orner and then another and no
!onger hear my father<s steps $ehind me. 9 stand for a moment not s#re if 9 sho#!d r#n $a%k for
my dad or keep going for 0y!an. .y dad is armed& 0y!an<s h#rt. So 9 %hoose 0y!an.
9 p#sh thro#gh a door and into a !arge& white !a$ where 0y!an is strapped to a ta$!e with
Sean g#arding him. >hen he fires a shot& 9 move to the side and s!am into a meta! %a$inet with
g!ass doors. As the $a%k of my head s!ams into it& the g!ass shatters and 9 drop my g#n from the
impa%t. 9t takes a moment for me to get my orientation& and Sean<s sardoni% !a#ghter is p#re evi!
and it fi!!s the room.
9<m too di??y to atta%k& and even tho#gh 9<ve $een fighting this who!e time& this fee!s
different. 9 s#dden!y rea!i?e 9<m terrified of Sean'he<s not a d#m$ kid anymore& and we<re no
!onger the same si?e. 9t seems impossi$!e& $#t my heart $eats even faster& and 9 fight to %!ear my
head of the fear taking over. >hen Sean advan%es& 9 snap o#t of it and p#!! a meta! ra%k down
$etween #s then =#mp on top of it& !eaping at Sean.
>rapping my !egs aro#nd him& 9 throw my e!$ow at his fa%e two times $efore he gets a
fistf#! of my hair and yanks me to the f!oor. 9 s%ream on the way down& gra$$ing onto his g#n
hand. 9 $ite his wrist whi!e twisting his arm the wrong dire%tion. +e ye!ps and drops the g#n and
the %!#mp of hair he p#!!ed from my s%a!p. +e atta%ks me on the gro#nd& and s!ams a heavy fist
into my fa%e& ro%king me. +e s!ams another fist into my side& kno%king the $reath o#t of me. 9
p#n%h his =aw& $#t he keeps hitting me. 9<m o#tmat%hed in every way and getting desperate. 9
have every reason to $e!ieve 9<m defeated where 9 !ie& and fight hard not to %ry in front of him. 9
pi%t#re 0y!an !ying on the ta$!e near$y& $!eeding& $o#nd& and dr#gged& and 9 have to do
something. Think!
9 think $a%k to training& trying to remem$er anything that %o#!d he!p me. +e<s stronger than
me. +e<s $igger than me. 9 %!ose my eyes as another p#n%h ro%ks me and 9 taste $!ood.
9 toss my hips to the side& trying to kno%k him off $a!an%e& $#t he<s too $ig. As more $!ows
to my ri$%age ro%k me& 9 find a ho!e and s!ip my hand thro#gh it& !anding a hard p#n%h right on
his throat. +e pa#ses for a moment& trying to %o#gh& and 9 wigg!e onto my side and s!am my right
e!$ow into his ri$%age& right where Tit#s showed me.
+e ree!s $a%k& $#t %omes at me again $efore 9 %an get to my feet. /rom the gro#nd& 9 drive
my hee! into the same spot 9 e!$owed and wish to Bod 9 %o#!d hear the $one $reaking so 9<d
know 9 was doing it right.
9 $a!an%e on my !eft !eg and drive my shin$one into his fa%e. +e rea%hes for his fa!!en g#n
whi!e %at%hing my !eg with one hand& p#!!ing me with him. >ith my hands now free& 9 go for the
knife on my hip and p#!! it o#t. 9t<s sti!! $!oody from Red. >hen he wraps his fingers aro#nd the
hand!e of his g#n& 9 =am my knife into his ne%k and $!ood po#rs down his %hest& and his grip on
my !eg s!a%kens.
Str#gg!ing to %at%h my $reath& 9 s%ro#nge to my feet& my mo#th gaping as 9 wat%h Sean
s!#mp over. >hen 9<m s#re he<s down& 9 ki%k his g#n away& then r#sh to 0y!an<s side and #ndo
the straps. +is eyes are g!a?ed over& and his head $o$s to the side when 9 try to get him #p.
*0y!an& !et<s go., 9 for%e him to ho!d his head #p& trying to make eye %onta%t with him. *9
need yo#. >e<re in this together. Ao# and me., +e %an<t keep his eyes open. *C<mon& 0y!an.,
9 s!ap his %heek and find a %o!d pie%e of meta! to ho!d against his fa%e. +is eyes pop open&
and they<re di!ated from whatever "athan dr#gged him with. +e f!ops onto his side and his !egs
fa!! over the ta$!e.
*9<ve got yo#., That<s a =oke& he<s twi%e my weight. B#t 9<m trying.
9 p#!! his arm over my sho#!der and 9 groan when he p#ts his weight on me. Of everything
9<ve $een thro#gh tonight& this sho#!d $e easy. 9 he!p him sh#ff!e to the door #nti! 9 rea!i?e 9 sti!!
don<t have my g#n. 9 !ean him against the wa!! whi!e 9 try to find it. 9 end #p with Sean<s instead&
$#t 9 don<t !ook at the knife in his ne%k.
0own the ha!! and $a%k toward the e!evator& 9 hear r#%k#s in another !a$. >hen we pass the
open doorway& 9 see "athan standing a%ross the room and my father right $y the door& $oth with
g#ns drawn. 0ad !ooks over his sho#!der at me and 0y!an. >ith $!ood and %#ts on his fa%e& he
ye!!s& *BoC, B#t 9 don<t go. 9nstead 9 enter the room& g#n drawn& !eaving 0y!an at the door.
*9 see yo# fo#nd my son& 0y!an., "athan<s $!oody& too. 9<ve never $een so pro#d of my
father.
*0on<t yo# say his name. 0on<t yo# dare., 9 %o%k the g#n.
*Ao# rea!!y are a waste of a h#man $eing& yo# know that@ A!! that passion& that rage. Ao#<re
nothing $#t a =#veni!e de!in)#ent who %an r#n fast.,
.ay$e he<s right a$o#t what 9 am& $#t it doesn<t %hange what he is. *Ao#<re a monster. Ao#
want to know why this is happening@ >hy we =#st eva%#ated ha!f of yo#r %o!ony@ Be%a#se yo#
tried to t#rn them into nothing. Ao# %an<t =#st erase the h#man spirit. 1eop!e need hope.,
*9 never knew yo# to $e one for thinking. Congrat#!ations on fina!!y deve!oping a $rain.,
*Ao#<re a %oward& yo# know. Ao#<re s#%h a poor !eader yo# have to manip#!ate peop!e into
fo!!owing yo#. 9 $et yo# were a no$ody $efore the war. 9 $et no one %ared a$o#t yo# at a!!.
Espe%ia!!y not Corne!i#s.,
At the mention of his father& agony %rosses his e(pression for a $rief moment& then his fa%e
%ontorts !ike he<s !osing %ontro!.
*Ao# ki!!ed him didn<t yo#@, 9 take a step toward him with $oth hands on the g#n. *0idn<t
yo#@, 9 s%ream.
*Aes. And why stop there@, +e takes the g#n off my father and trains it on 0y!an. As he
p#!!s the trigger& 9 !eap into the path and shie!d 0y!an with my $ody. Two shots ring o#t and 9
%!en%h a!! my m#s%!es& $#t the pain doesn<t %ome.
9 whip aro#nd and see my father s!#mped on the gro#nd with two $#!!et ho!es in his %hest.
Before my emotions %an %at%h #p to what 9 see& 9 #n!oad my g#n into "athan<s %hest. 9 keep
p#!!ing the trigger !ong after 9<m o#t& !ong after he drops his g#n and fa!!s over. 9 $are!y register
the gagging so#nds he makes& #nti! 9 rea!i?e my dad is making them& too.
9 fa!! $eside my father to find the wo#nds. Both $#!!ets hit him in the %hest& and $!ood stains
the %orners of his mo#th. *0addy& noC,
*Corinne& 9<m so pro#d of yo#., 9t<s $are!y a whisper& and his eyes strain to stay open.
Tears spi!! down my fa%e as 9 press on his wo#nds. .y voi%e is $are!y a whisper. *9 %an<t
!ose yo# again. >e<re getting yo# o#t of here., There<s no way 9 %an %arry him and 0y!an.
*Ba$y& !isten., +e strains to $reathe. *"o anger. H#st hope. And !et peop!e he!p yo#.,
*"o&, 9 %ry with my head against his %hest. B!ood is everywhere. *9 !ove yo# so m#%h. Ao#
%an<t go. Ao#r peop!e need yo#. 9 need yo#.,
*Everything 9 am& yo# %an $e. A!! that 9<ve done& yo# %an do even greater things., +e
%o#ghs and warm $!ood spe%k!es my fa%e.
*"o& 9 %an<t& 0ad. 9 %an<t.,
+e for%es o#t words $etween raspy attempts to $reathe. *As !ong as yo# ... fight for what<s
right ... peop!e wi!! fo!!ow ... yo#.,
+e<s wrong& 9<m not a !eader. 9<!! never $e as great as him. "ever.
9 !ay against his %hest& so$$ing hysteri%a!!y. +e manages to !ift an arm and stroke my hair
on%e& then he stops moving. +is %hest stops rising and fa!!ing. +is heart stops $eating. 9 press my
fingers to his ne%k to %he%k for a p#!se. 9 %an<t !eave him !ike this again& $#t he<s gone this time.
Rea!!y gone.
Chapter Twenty-One
0y!an gra$s me aro#nd the waist. +e<s on his knees and $are!y a$!e to ho!d himse!f #p& $#t
he t#gs me toward the door. *"oC, 9 s%ream and 9 gra$ my father<s hand one !ast time.
*>e have to go&, 0y!an m#m$!es. *>e have to., And he<s right. Together& we get to o#r
feet. St#m$!ing down the ha!!& we %!ing to ea%h other.
>hen we rea%h the e!evator& 9 press the $#tton. 9 he!p 0y!an inside& then find -an%e. +e<s
gone& too& and another wave hits me. Everyone 9 !ove is gone. Everyone $#t 0y!an. 9 gag as 9
gra$ -an%e<s $ody and drag him to the e!evator.
9 !ift him to s%an his %hip& and then his fingerprint. 9 %ry harder as 9 heave the $ody $a%k into
the ha!! and the e!evator takes #s #p.
>hen we rea%h gro#nd !eve!& the $att!e sti!! rages& and it<s gotten worse. >e spi!! onto the
gro#nd $ehind enemy !ines and ha!f;wa!k& ha!f;drag o#rse!ves a%ross the !awn& hoping to go
#nnoti%ed. 0y!an gets stronger $y the min#te& and $efore !ong& he<s s#pporting his own weight.
>e =og toward the 8nderage %enter& hand;in;hand.
A $#!!et hits the gro#nd in front of #s. Then $ehind #s. Then one hits my thigh and 9 go
!imp. 0y!an keeps me on my feet& $#t 9 %an<t p#t press#re on my !eg.
*Ow& ow.,
+e shakes his head& s)#ee?ing his eyes sh#t. 9 %an te!! he<s fighting off the dr#g.
*9 need yo# to %arry me. 1!ease., 9 %!ear my throat& tears stinging my eyes. *+e!p me.,
+e gr#nts as he !ifts me& and 9 wrap my arms aro#nd his ne%k to he!p with the weight. >e
move s!ow!y& at first& $#t he tries to pi%k #p the pa%e. 9 don<t know how we manage not to get
shot again.
*Ao# %an<t die& too& 0y!an. 1romise me. 9 %an<t !ose yo#., 9 know 9<m de!irio#s& $#t 9 %an<t
he!p it. 1ain radiates thro#gh my entire $ody& and 9 think 9<m more in=#ry than anything e!se at
this point.
*9 promise&, he says thro#gh gritted teeth. >hen a so!dier %omes after #s& 0y!an fires my
g#n and the so!dier stops.
As we t#rn $a%k toward the 8nderage %enter'toward freedom'Captain .arsiana stands in
front of #s with her g#n drawn and aimed at 0y!an<s head. +e stops %o!d as pani% overtakes #s
$oth.
9 %an<t find the strength to speak& $#t 9 !ook in her eyes& $egging si!ent!y for her to !et #s go.
*Take me with yo#., She waits for me to nod $efore !owering her weapon and %overing #s
the rest of the way to the ho!e in the fen%e. She fires so many shots 9 !ose %o#nt& and event#a!!y
0y!an %arries me thro#gh one of the massive openings .a(<s men made.
"o man<s !and is %overed in $roken mines& and from the $odies we pass& 9 %an see that
severa! of them were s#%%essf#!.
0y!an takes me a!! the way thro#gh the perimeter and into the woods. >ith .arsi on o#r
hee!s& he %arries me a!! the way to the %ampsite& whispering things a!ong the way !ike& *Stay with
me&, and *A!most there., 9 %!ing to his shirt when he sets me down& not wanting to !et him go.
.a( r#shes to #s. *>here<s Anthony@,
A s)#a!! es%apes me and 9 $egin to so$ a!! over again. 9 !ost my father.
Twi%e.
*+e was ki!!ed& sir., 0y!an<s words are strained& $#t he keeps his hands gent!y on my
sho#!ders. *She<s $een shot in the !eg.,
.a( nods& fighting $a%k some sort of emotion on his fa%e. >ith his =aw %!en%hed and his
mo#th set in a tight !ine& he knee!s and assesses my g#nshot wo#nd. *9t<s thro#gh and thro#gh.
>e<!! get her fi(ed #p in .er%y.,
A!! aro#nd #s& women and %hi!dren are !oaded into tr#%ks& vans& and $#sses& a!ong with
wo#nded so!diers. O#r mission was a s#%%ess. Aet it was the most painf#! s#%%ess 9<ve ever
known& or %o#!d imagine knowing.
0y!an !ifts me again& and 9 groan. Then he sets me inside a %ar and %!im$s in $eside me.
After wiping $!ood off $oth o#r fa%es& he ho!ds me& %omforts me& #nti! the vehi%!es start moving
o#t. I hope were not leaving anyone behind.
9 !ay against 0y!an<s %hest with a fistf#! of his shirt& and he keeps his arms tight aro#nd me.
As we drive straight thro#gh to .er%y& 9 fa!! in and o#t of %ons%io#sness and on!y vag#e!y
remem$er 0y!an wrapping my !eg with something.
*Something<s not right&, 0y!an m#tters.
.a( eyes him thro#gh the rearview mirror. *>hat<s not right@,
*There sho#!d have $een more so!diers than that. There sho#!d have $een a !ot more. >e
sho#!d have $een o#tn#m$ered.,
*So where were they& then@, .a( g!an%es over his sho#!der $rief!y at #s& then p#ts his eyes
$a%k on the road.
*Bood )#estion.,
E E E
>hen we arrive at .er%y& 9<m taken to a !arge spa%e with a mi!!ion tiny %ots where the
wo#nded so!diers are $eing $ro#ght in. 9t takes a min#te for me to rea!i?e why 9<m here4 9<m one
of them.
9 gra$ 0y!an<s wrist. *Ao# have to warn them a$o#t the withdrawa!s ... the women.,
*9 wi!!., +e knee!s $eside my %ot. *9 wish yo# hadn<t %ome $a%k for me. +e<d sti!! $e',
*"o., 9 prop #p on an e!$ow with )#ite a $it of pain from a mi!!ion in=#ries. *0on<t. +e
didn<t die for yo#& he died for me.,
*Be%a#se yo# a!most died for me.,
*Regard!ess., Tears sting my eyes& $#t 9 try to $at them away. *9 %o#!dn<t !eave Anti#s
witho#t yo#. "ot the first time& and not this time., 9 gra$ the $a%k of his ne%k and p#!! his
forehead to mine. *9t<s yo# and me&, 9 whisper then kiss his !ips.
9 wrap my arms aro#nd him and fee! something wet on his $a%k. 9 p#!! my hand away& and
it<s %overed in red.
*T#rn aro#nd., 9 p#!! his shirt #p and find a g#nshot wo#nd in the f!esh $e!ow his sho#!der
$!ade. *Ao#<re hit.,
+e s!#mps onto the %ot ne(t to mine& groaning. *9 know. 9t h#rt !ike he!!.,
/or the !ongest time& we !ie on o#r sides fa%ing ea%h other& and if so many !ives weren<t !ost
today'espe%ia!!y my father<s'9 think 9 might $e happy. And someday 9 $e!ieve 9 wi!! $e.
Be%a#se 9 %hoose it.
9 %hoose hope.
0y!an and 9 $oth go thro#gh simp!e s#rgeries and %ome o#t with a few stit%hes& in%!#ding
the ones on 0y!an<s eye$row& and now we<re resting in a re%overy room with a$o#t fo#rteen
other patients. 0y!an made them s%oot o#r $eds %!ose eno#gh that we %o#!d ho!d hands& $#t they
for$ade #s from moving more than that. And 9 wo#!dn<t want to. 1#rp!e;ye!!ow $r#ises %over my
ri$%age& front and $a%k& and severa! mark my fa%e as we!!. 9 have a g#nshot wo#nd in one !eg&
and a sta$ wo#nd from the meta! fen%e s%rap in the other. "o& 9 don<t want to move.
There<s a tap near the doorway& and .a( stands there. +is fa%e is drawn& and he approa%hes
s!ow!y. 9 try to sit #p& $#t pier%ing pains keep me sti!!.
*+ow yo# fee!ing@, .a( ho!ds his hands $ehind his $a%k. +e !ooks weird witho#t a g#n.
*6ike death&, 9 say& with as m#%h of a smirk as 9 %an m#ster.
A tiny grin %omes and goes in a se%ond. *>e saved one h#ndred and ninety;si(. >omen&
%hi!dren& and even a few men.,
*6osses@, 9 fee! he!p!ess !ying here.
*>e %o#nt thirty;si( missing from o#r ranks., +e dips his head& !ooking at the gro#nd 9
g#ess.
*9<m sorry a$o#t yo#r men.,
*9t was a good sa%rifi%e&, he says. *And so was yo#r father<s.,
9<m not worth my father<s death. And 9 on!y =#st got him $a%k. 9 shake my head& wat%hing
him thro#gh mo#nds of tears poo!ing in my eyes.
*+e $e!ieved in yo#& Corinne. And so do 9.,
*Thank yo#& .a(.,
+e nods. *Ao# were right& yo# know&, he says& shifting his attention to 0y!an. *A$o#t the
so!diers.,
*>hat happened@, +e sits #p even tho#gh he sho#!dn<t.
*6ast night when we atta%ked Anti#s& they atta%ked The City., .y tho#ghts immediate!y
=#mp to Ty%e and his pre%io#s $a$y gir!. And a!! those peop!e& Ty%e<s fami!y.
*>hat does that mean@, 9 groan whi!e 9 sit #p& too. 9 %an<t =#st !ie here.
*9t means we<re not done fighting.,
E E E
!"nowledge#ents
9<d !ike to give a spe%ia! Lthank yo#< to a!! my $eta;readers for yo#r insight and tho#ghtf#!
feed$a%k. .any thanks to Chris Featon& Sara Benedi%t& and Rasha S%hee! for $eing awesome&
s#pportive& %riti%a!& and sar%asti% when needed. This $ook wo#!dn<t $e what it is witho#t the
three of yo#. And to my writing partner& .aria Ra%he! +oo!ey& for sharing yo#r wisdom and
e(perien%e& and for p#tting #p with tons of te(t messages& emai!s& and pro$a$!y a !itt!e attit#de.
Big thank yo# to my h#s$and& who deserves some kind of award for his infinite patien%e.
Thank yo# for !etting me $e meC
Biggest thanks to Bod for giving me ta!ents and the a$i!ity to #se them. 9 %annot imagine a
!ife witho#t these passions& and 9<m gratef#! 9 was fearf#!!y and wonderf#!!y made. 9 !ive that my
!ife wo#!d honor Ao#. And most important!y& thank Ao# for Ao#r Son& Hes#s& who saved me
when 9 was hope!ess.
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