프렌즈 Season09 Script
프렌즈 Season09 Script
프렌즈 Season09 Script
[Scene: Rachels Room, Joey moves Rosss coat to get the tissues Rachel wants and the engagement ring box Mrs. Geller
gave him falls out of the pocket it was inside. Joey goes to one knee, picks up the box, opens it, and sees that its an
engagement ring.]
Rachel: Joey.
(He turns to face Rachel on one knee with the box open.)
Rachel: (seeing the ring) Oh my God. (Pause) Okay.
(Joey is stunned.)
[Cut to Ross getting of an elevator carrying a bouquet of flowers and walking down the hall to Rachels room.]
[Cut back into Rachels room.]
Rachel: So uhI guess we shouldmake it official huh?
Joey: Uh Look Rach(Ross enters.) Hey Ross is here! Hey look! Its my good friend Ross. Hey Ross.
Ross: Hey Joey. (To Rachel) Hey you.
Rachel: Hey you.
Joey: Hey and look he brought flowers. Thanks Ross, but Im really more of a candy guy. (Laughs.)
Ross: Youre weird today. (He turns to Rachel and Joey puts the ring back.) (To Rachel) Listen I uh, wanted to talk to you
about something.
Rachel: Uh yeah, actually I kinda need to talk to you too.
Ross: Uh Joey, can you give us just a minute?
Joey: No.
Ross: What?
Joey: Oh, Im sorry. I meant no.
Monica: (entering with everyone else including Mr. Geller) Hi! Hey look whos here!
Mr. Geller: Wheres my granddaughter? Ive been practicing my magic tricks.
Chandler: He pulled a quarter out of my ear!
Ross: Hey, wheres uh, wheres mom?
Mr. Geller: She went to pick up Aunt Liddy.
Monica: Oh, Aunt Liddys coming? That means we get five dollars each!
Mr. Geller: So when do I get to meet Emma and show her this? (Pulls a bouquet of flowers out of his sleeve.)
Chandler: Okay. Wow.
Ross: Uh Dad, Emmas in the nursery. Ill take you now. If you want, but (To Rachel) I really want to talk to you.
Rachel: I know, I still need to talk to you.
Joey: Oh hey but, before you guys do that (To Rachel) I need to talk to you, and Ross, I need to talk to you.
Phoebe: (To Monica) Oh and I need to talk to you.
Monica: About what?
Season 9
Season 9
Chandler: Honey, weve been over this. I need to be facing the other way.
Monica: Come on! Come on, if we have sex again itll double our chances of getting pregnant. Do you think that closets still
available?
Chandler: Im so tired. (She starts kissing him.) Yeah okay, but no foreplay.
Monica: Deal!
[Back in front of the nursery window.]
Ross: Dad seriously! Yknow you really should see someone about that!
Mr. Geller: Noted.
Ross: I wanna go talk to Rachel for a minute, are you gonna be okay alone for a bit?
Mr. Geller: Are you kidding me, I could stay and look at her forever.
Ross: (noticing something) Actually umm (He turns Mr. Gellers head to look at Emma.)
[Scene: Rachels Room, Phoebe is entering.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: Hi.
Phoebe: Are you all right?
Rachel: Uhh I think I just got engaged.
Phoebe: Oh my God! He did it?
Rachel: Welldid you know he was gonna ask me?
Phoebe: Are you kidding? Im like the one who talked him into it. I like to think of myself as the puppet master of the group.
Rachel: And you really think this is a good idea?
Phoebe: I just talked him into it, dont tell me I have to do you too. The puppet master gets tired people.
Rachel: I just dont know! It just doesnt feel right.
Phoebe: Why?! You two are so meant to be together, everybody thinks so.
Rachel: Really?! Even Ross?
Phoebe: Especially Ross!
Joey: (entering) Oh uh, hey Pheebs. Uh yknow what? Ill-Ill come back later. (He goes to leave but runs into Ross whos
entering.)
Ross: Wow! Kind of uh, kind of a full house here. Ill guess justIll come back. (Ross exits followed by Joey.)
Phoebe: There he goes, your fiance.
Rachel: I guess so.
Phoebe: Although he does play with himself in his sleep.
Rachel: I cant say that Im surprised.
[Scene: A hallway, Joey and Ross find Mr. Geller with his ear up against a janitors closet door.]
Ross: Dad, what are you doing?
Mr. Geller: I think there are people in there having sex.
(Ross turns to look at Joey.)
Joey: It cant be me, Im standing right here.
Mr. Geller: Wanna peek?
Ross: No!
Mr. Geller: Come on!
Season 9
Ross: Yknow what? I dont like you without mom. (To Joey) Come on. (Walks away.)
Joey: (To Ross) Were not peeking? (Follows him.)
Mr. Geller: Well Im peeking. (He peeks.) Oh my God!
Chandler: Hello sir, you know Monica.
[Scene: Rachels Room, she is taking the ring out of Rosss jacket, looks at it, and puts it on her finger as Joey enters.]
Joey: Hey uh, is it okay to come in?
Rachel: Of course! Oh Joey, this ring Iits beautiful I love it!
Joey: Yeah uh look Rach, theres something I gotta tell ya.
(Theres a knock on the door and a nurse enters carrying Emma.)
Rachel: Hey!
Nurse: Hey! Are you ready to try nursing again?
Rachel: Yeah! Hi Emma. Hey, why do you think she wont take my breast?
Nurse: Its all right honey, it takes some babies a while to get it, but dont worry. Itll happen.
Joey: (watching) Yowsa! (Looks away.)
Rachel: Okay sweetie, you can do it. Just open up and put it in your mouth.
Joey: Dear Lord.
Rachel: Im sorry honey, what were you saying?
Joey: Oh uh-uh yeah, I think that
Rachel: Oh look, shes pulling away again! Do you think my nipples are too big for her mouth? (Joey gets embarrassed.) She
looks scared. Doesnt she look scared?
Joey: Yknow, I dont really know her.
Nurse: Why dont we try massaging the breast to stimulate the flow. (Does so.)
Joey: (To God) Are you kidding me?!
Rachel: Its just so frustrating! Why doesnt she want my breast?!
Joey: I dont know! Maybe shes crazy! (Storms out.)
[Scene: The Lobby, Ross is eating a sandwich as Phoebe rushes up to him.]
Phoebe: Oh hey! Wait up!
Ross: Hi!
Phoebe: Congratulations! I didnt want to say anything in front of Joey cause I didnt know if he knew yet.
Ross: What, that we had a baby? Come on lets give him a little credit, although, he did eat a piece of plastic fruit earlier.
Phoebe: No! No, that you and Rachel are engaged!
Ross: What?
Phoebe: Oh, its a secret. Oh goodie! Yes! We havent done the secret thing in a long time.
Ross: Phoebe, there is no secret. Okay? I didnt propose.
Phoebe: Are you lying? Is this like that time you tried to convince us that you were a doctor?
Ross: (pause) I am a doctor! Yknow what? Im just gonna go and talk to Rachel myself.
Phoebe: All right, me too. (They go into her room and see that shes sleeping.) Should we wake her up?
Ross: No! No, come on let her sleep! Shes so exhausted.
Phoebe: And so engaged. (Points to the ring that Rachel is wearing.)
Season 9
Ross: What? (Motions for Phoebe to go outside with him.) Oh my God! She-she thinks were engaged! Why? Why? Why
would she think were engaged?!
Phoebe: Perhaps because you gave her an engagement ring? Yknow Ross doctors are supposed to be smart.
Ross: I didnt give her that ring!
Phoebe: Really?
Ross: No!
Phoebe: So whose ring is it?
Ross: Its mine.
Phoebe: Is it an engagement ring?
Ross: Yes!
Phoebe: But you didnt give it to her?
Ross: No!
Phoebe: But you were going to propose?
Ross: No!!
Phoebe: Huh, I might be losing interest in this.
Ross: Look. Look, my mom gave me that ring because she wanted me to propose to Rachel, but all I wanted to do is if she
maybekindawanted ahstartthings up again.
Phoebe: Oh, what beautiful lukewarm sentiment.
Ross: Look, I didnt want to rush into anything. And it seemed like she didnt want to either. But I dont, I dont understand
how any of this happened! What? Did she find the ring in my jacket, assume that I was going to propose, throw it on, andand just start telling people?
Phoebe: No! No, she said you actually proposed to her.
Ross: Well I didnt! I didnt propose! (Pause) Unless uh (Pause) Did I? I havent slept in forty hours andit does sound like
something I would do.
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Janitors Closet, Chandler and Monica are trying to figure out what to do now.]
Chandler: Look, we cant stay in here forever.
Monica: Oh, I still cant believe my dad saw us having sex! He didnt make it to one of piano recitals, but this he sees!
Chandler: This is okay. Were all adults here; theres nothing to be ashamed of. Now, lets put our underwear in our pockets
and walk out the door. (They do so and find Mr. Geller leaning against a wall stunned.)
Monica: Hi Dad! I can still call you that right?
Mr. Geller: Of course. Ill always be your dad.
Chandler: I just want you to know that what you witnessed in there, that wasnt for fun.
Monica: It wasnt fun?!
Chandler: (To Monica) Why? Why-why-would youWh-why (To Mr. Geller) Look, I just dont want you to think that were
animals who do it whenever we want.
Mr. Geller: Oh, I dont think that. Before today I never thought of you two having sex at all. It was a simpler time.
Monica: The truth is, Dad, were-were trying.
Mr. Geller: What?
Monica: Yeah, were trying to get pregnant.
Season 9
Mr. Geller: Oh my God! This is so exciting! Well, get back in there! (Points to the closet) Ill guard the door!
Monica: Well, thats okay dad, we-we can wait until later.
Mr. Geller: Whoa-whoa-whoa! I dont think so! Arent you ovulating?
Monica: Daddy?!
Mr. Geller: Well you gotta get at it princess! When your mother and I were trying to conceive you, whenever she was
ovulating, bam, we did it. Thats how I got my bad hip.
Chandler: Thats funny, this conversations how I got the bullet hole in my head.
Mr. Geller: This one time I had my knee up on the sink and your mother, she was
Monica: Daddy! I dont think we need to hear about the specific positions you and mom had sex.
Mr. Geller: Youre right, youre right. This is about your positions. Now, what I saw in the closet is not the optimum position
for conceiving a child, although it might feel good.
Monica: I dont feel good right now.
Mr. Geller: But pleasure is important, (To Chandler) and it helps if the woman has an orgasm. You up to the task sailor?
Chandler: Seriously sir, my brains? All over the wall.
[Scene: Rachels Room, Monica is entering.]
Monica: Hey.
Rachel: Hey. I need to tell you something.
Monica: Well, nows a good time. Im on my way to have my ears cut off.
Rachel: Joey asked me marry him.
Monica: What?
Rachel: Joey proposed to me.
Monica: Is he crazy?! You just had Rosss baby!
Rachel: Well, I-I said yes.
Monica: What?! Are you crazy? You just had Rosss baby! Its-its so inappropriate. No, its worse than that. Its wrong. Its
It is bigger than mine! (Rachels engagement ring.)
Rachel: I know. Days of Our Lives, thank you very much.
Monica: You cant marry him!
Rachel: Why not? I dont want to do this alone! And hes such a sweet guy and he loves me so much.
Monica: Well do you love him?
Rachel: Sure.
Monica: Sure?
Rachel: Yeah, I mean whatever.
Monica: Honey, the question isdo you really want to marry Joey?
Rachel: No. No, I dont. Could you be a dear and go tell him?
[Scene: A Hallway, Chandler is following Joey.]
Chandler: You still havent told Rachel you werent really proposing?
Joey: No! She had the ring on, she seemed so excited, and then she took her breast out.
Chandler: Joey, you have to tell her whats going on! And what did it look like?!
Joey: I didnt look at it. Stupid babys head was blocking most of it.
Chandler: Go and tell Rachel right now before Ross finds out.
Season 9
Joey: Look, its not that easy. She said she wanted to marry me. I dont want to hurt her.
Chandler: Okay, look, just do it gently.
Joey: Youre right. Youre right. I-Ill go tell her now before Ross finds out and Ill be gentle. I can do that. I am a gentle
person. Oh, by the way. Two people screwing in there (Points to the closet Chandler and Monica were in) if you want to
check that out.
[Scene: Rachels Room, Ross is entering.]
Ross: Hey.
Rachel: Hey.
Ross: Listen, I um I heard about the engagement.
Rachel: Surprised?
Ross: And confused. Rach, sweetie, I-I umI didnt propose to you.
Rachel: I know.
Ross: I dont think you do.
Rachel: You didnt propose to me. Joey did.
Ross: Poor baby, youre so tired. Rach, I didnt propose to you, Joey didnt propose to you, and Chandler didnt propose to
you.
Rachel: Uh You didnt propose to me, Chandler didnt propose to me, but Joey did.
(Joey enters.)
Ross: Joey proposed to you?
Joey: I can come back.
Ross: Hey, wait! Wait-wait-wait! Joey, did you propose to her?
Joey: No.
Rachel: Yes you did!
Joey: Actually, technically, I didnt.
Rachel: Well then why did you give me a ring?
Ross: Wait! Whoa-whoa, youyou gave her the ring?
Joey: No! No, and I did not ask her to marry me!
Rachel: Yes, you did!
Joey: No, I didnt!
Rachel: Yes, you did!
Joey: No, I didnt!
Rachel: Yes, you did! And dont you say, "No, I didnt!"
Joey: Ahhh!
Rachel: He was right there. He got down on one knee and proposed.
Ross: Whoa! You were down on one knee?
Joey: Yeah. Yeah, that looks bad. But I didntI didnt propose!
Ross: Then what did happen?
Rachel: Yeah, what did happen?
Joey: Okay, the ring fell on the floor and I went down to pick it up and you thought I was proposing.
Rachel: Yeah, but you said, "Will you marry me?"
Season 9
Season 9
Season 9
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Season 9
Rachel: Oh Ah! (Sees a big stuffed gorilla) Oh my gosh theres something every mother needs, a giant stuffed gorilla that
takes up the entire apartment! What are people think (Reads the card) Oh you guys I love it.
Joey: Hey so wheres Ross?
Rachel: Hes downstairs getting the rest of the stuff out of the cab.
Joey: Is he still mad at us?
Rachel: Well, you more then me, but he cant stay to mad at me. I mean, I just had his baby.
Joey: Thats not fair! I cant do that.
Rachel: Yeah, Im not so sure you should be here when he comes up.
Joey: See this is what I was afraid of, I didnt think I should be here either but somebody (Looks at Chandler) said hed be
over it by now.
Chandler: Hey, what do I know? I wanted to get a bigger gorilla.
[Scene: A Boardroom, Chandler keeps drifting off to sleep at his meeting.]
Ms. McKenna: The numbers we are seeing New York, Chicago, and London are consistently solid, but many of our officers
have reported disappointing fields.
(Chandler drifts off and his arm slips off the table and he wakes back up.)
Ms. McKenna: Boston is down, Atlanta is down, Houston is down, I could go on and on but instead of boring you Ill go
straight to my forty two point plan.
(Chandler leans over to fall asleep on the mans shoulder next to him, only the man catches his attempt.)
Chandler: Walter (nods).
[Scene: Ross and Rachels, Phoebe, Monica, Ross, and Rachel are watching Emma sleep.]
Phoebe: Shes just so cute! I just wanna bite her ear off and use it and a sucking candy.
Monica: Phoebe! But I could take one of those little feet and put it in a pita pocket.
Ross: (enters from the bed room) Okay I put most of the stuff away.
Rachel: Oh great, the pacifiers?
Ross: In the closet.
Rachel: The burping clogs?
Ross: Linen closet.
Rachel: The diapers?
Ross: In the hospital.
Phoebe: Wow you guys got a hospital? Fancy!
Ross: No I left the diapers at the hospital! Theres some in the bag but Ill run out and get some more.
Rachel: Alright thanks, oh Ross could you stop by the coffee house and get me a muffin?
Ross: Sure what kind?
Rachel: Umm let me think...What do I want, what d-o I w-a-n-t...
Ross: Please take your time, its an important decision. Not like, say, I know! deciding to marry someone, this is about a
muffin.
Rachel: Blueberry.
Ross: Blueberry it is.
Rachel: Thanks.
Monica: Wow, hes really not letting this go, is he?
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Gunther is amused.)
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Season 9
Chandler: Okay, Ms. McKenna, she kind of works above my boss, she asked me to move to Tulsa and be the president of
our office there, and I was sleeping and apparently, said yes.
Monica: (stands up angry) Tulsa, Oklahoma!
Chandler: The Sooner State, whatever that is.
Monica: Chandler, I dont even wanna see the musical Oklahoma!
Chandler: Really? Oh What A Beautiful Morning! Surrey With A Fringe On Top.
Monica: Are you trying to tell me that were moving to Oklahoma, or that youre gay? All right, not that this matters, but
did they at least offer you a huge raise?
Chandler: No, no, but they are going to lease us a Ford Focus. (Monicas not impressed.) Ill get out of it.
Monica: Thank you.
Chandler: (hears Emma crying) What is wrong with Emma?
Monica: Oh she misunderstood, she thought she was moving to Tulsa.
[Scene: Ms. McKennas Office, Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Umm maam, do you have a minute? (She points for him to come in) I kind of have some bad news. I dont think I
can move to Tulsa.
Ms. McKenna: What?
Chandler: Its a funny story, actually. (coughs) I kind of fell asleep in the meeting this morning so when I said Id move to
Tulsa, I didnt really know what I was saying.
Ms. McKenna: You fell asleep?
Chandler: But only because I was up all night worried about this meeting, aint that funny? Irony? Not a fan, alright (he sits
down). See, heres the thing. I went home and told my wife about Tulsa and she wont go. See, me, I love Tulsa! Tulsa is
heaven! Tulsa is ItalyPlease dont make me go there!
Ms. McKenna: Chandler, I
Chandler: No no no! Look, Carol, can I call you Carol? (Pause) Wh-why would I when your name is Elaine? Oh what a great
picture of your son, strapping! (She glares at him.) Thats a picture of your daughter, isnt it, well shes lovely. I like a girl
with a strong jaw. Ill call you from Tulsa. (Exits.)
[Scene: The Hospital, Joey is sitting in the lobby as Ross enters.]
Joey: Hey, so how is it?
Ross: I broke my thumb.
Joey: Your thumb? Thats weird. (Makes a fist.) You sure youre punching right? Make a fist. (Ross just looks at him with his
thumb in a cast.) Maybe later. Ross I feel terrible.
Ross: You know what, you can go, I just have to fill out some forms. (Tries to hold the pen but cant)
Joey: You, you want me to help you with that?
Ross: Why, does it look like Im having trouble with my misshapen claw? (He hands Joey the form)
Joey: Name? (Ross looks at him.) I know Ross but whats it short for? You know like, like Rossel or Rosstepher.
Ross: Just Ross!
Joey: Its pretty, Okay date of birth?
Ross: You know my birthday.
Joey: Sure, May...tember.
Ross: October 18th.
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Season 9
Rachel: Yeah I dont think dressing provocatively is going to help me here! Oh my god just please take her.
Monica: Okay Ill take her, here. (Takes Emma)
Rachel: I have to go to the bathroom. (Goes to the bathroom)
Phoebe: I have to go scream into a pillow. (Goes to scream into a pillow)
Monica: (To Emma) Bouncy baby, Bouncy baby, Ooh baby baby, Ooh baby baby, Ooh baby baby. (Emma stops crying and
falls asleep)
Phoebe: (entering) Have I gone deaf?
Monica: It worked! Ooh baby baby baby, ooh baby baby baby!
Phoebe: You must be a fireball in bed.
Monica: I cant believe it! Shes asleep! I got her to go to sleep!
Phoebe: I can hear traffic and birds! I can hear the voices in my head again! (Monica looks at her strangely) Im kidding.
(She smiles wickedly.)
Rachel: Oh my God! You got her to stop crying!
Monica: Yes I did, Im Monica, Super Aunt
Rachel: You are the official baby crier stopper!
Monica: Yes I am!!
Rachel: Youre never leaving the apartment!
Monica: Say what?
Rachel: Thats your new job, day and night, she starts crying I need you here.
Monica: (stands up to hand Emma back) Oh no no no no!
Phoebe: Thankfully you dont need me at all (gets up and to leave) so Okay Super aunt see you later! Rachel lets give it six
to eight months (she leaves).
Rachel: Okay so listen Im gonna go lay down.
Monica: What?
Rachel: You know the book says that whenever shes sleeping I should be sleeping so (She gives Monica thumbs and goes
to lay down)
Chandler: (entering, loudly) Hey!
Monica: Shhh! We just got her to go to sleep
Chandler: Oh so there cant be any yelling.
Monica: No.
Chandler: Were moving to Tulsa
Monica: (loudly) What!?
Chandler: Shhhh! Shhhhh! Shhhhh! Shhhhh! (Walks backwards towards the door) I cant, I cant hear you. (He runs out)
[Scene: Ross and Rachels, Ross enters.]
Ross: Hey.
Rachel: Heeeeey, where have you been? (He shows her his thumb) What happened to you?
Ross: Ah I had a little thing with Joey, if you think this is bad you should see him.
Rachel: Oh no Ross! This is not good, we have to talk about this Joey thing. Please sit. (He sits) You have got to get over this
Joey thing, okay? I never really wanted to marry Joey, okay?
Ross: Okay.
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Joey: Uhuh.
Ross: Rach, you don't have to call whenever you have a little question, okay? Trust me, I know this.
Rachel: All right, I trust you. (Continues to dial)
Ross: Rachel, I can see you dialing! I don't understand why...
Rachel: I'm on the phone! (On the phone) Dr. Wiener? (Ross and Rachel walk away)
Joey: (Laughs)
Phoebe: It's so weird seeing Ross and Rachel with a baby. It's just so grown up.
Joey: I know, yeah. I feel like we're all growing up. Person named Wiener, God that kills me. (Laughs)
Phoebe: Look at you all grown up.
Joey: Actually, you know what? I am. That whole thing with Rachel made me realize that maybe I'm ready for a more
serious relationship. You know? Like I'd like to meet a nice mature commitment-minded lady. And looks aren't as important
as...Nah, she's gotta be hot.
Phoebe: You know, I might know somebody. Hey, how about you set me up with someone, and we double date!
Joey: I can do that, yeah. How is Friday?
Phoebe: Done. Oh good, really?
Joey: Yeah!
Phoebe: Let's see! (Opens her address book.) Oh, you know who's great? Sandy Poophack.
Joey: (Laughs) Poophack... (Laughs)
Phoebe: Yeah... All right, well that rules out Lana Titweiller
Joey: (Laughs)
[SCENE: Chandler and Monica's apartment]
Chandler: (Enters) Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Chandler: I've got good news!
Monica: You got out of the whole Tulsa thing?
Chandler: Okay, I have news. You don't have to move to Tulsa. You can stay here and keep your job.
Monica: It's great! How?
Chandler. Well my boss and I worked out a deal where I only have to be in Tulsa four days a week, so the other three I can
be here with you.
Monica: So you're gonna be gone four days a week? (Thinks about it.) No.
Chandler: I'm sorry, are you just used to saying that?
Monica: No. I can't be away from you for that long.
Chandler: Really?
Monica: Yeah, you're my husband. I'm not gonna live in a different state than you for 208 days out of the year.
Chandler: That's fast math! We could use you in Tulsa.
Monica: Honey, thanks for trying to figure out a way, but if you're going to Tulsa, I wanna go with you.
Chandler: Hey, you said that without gagging!
Monica: I know! (They high-five.)
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment]
Rachel: (On the phone) Excuse me? Oh yeah? Well, up yours too! (Hangs up)
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Rachel: It's impossible to find a good doctor. I mean, how do you know the good ones from the ones who are gonna push
their penis against your knee?
Monica: Excuse me?
Chandler: I know what she's talking about.
Rachel: We've got to find a new pediatrician. Ross was getting sick last night, and I think Emma may have caught it.
Monica: Why don't you go see Dr. Gettleman?
Rachel: Ross said he died.
Monica: He didn't die. I saw his daughter last week. Said he was fine. Her on the other hand, botched Botox.
Rachel: Oh, great! Well, then I'm gonna take Emma to see him. I wonder why Ross said that he died.
Monica: Oh, maybe he was getting him confused with his childhood therapist.
Chandler: He saw a therapist?
Monica: Yeah, he used to have this recurring nightmare, just really freaked him out.
Rachel: Why? What was it?
Monica: That I was going to eat him.
[Scene: Central Perk]
(Joey walks in and looks around. He's trying to find a Mike for Phoebe)
Joey: MIKE!!!
Mike: Yeah?
Joey: (Checks him out) Okay! (Walks over to his table and sits down with him)
[Scene: Restaurant]
Mike: I gotta tell you, I can't believe I'm doing this with you. Although I did just get out of a nine-year relationship, so I guess
I should be open and taking some risks.
Joey: Everything is gonna be fine. Just follow my lead, okay? All you have to do is pretend to be Mike.
Mike: I am Mike.
Joey: Atta boy!
(Phoebe and Mary Ellen enter.)
Joey: Okay, look...
Everyone: (Ad-lib hellos)
Phoebe: Joey, this is Mary Ellen Jenkins. So, Mike, how do you and Joey know each other anyway?
Mike: How do I and Joey know each other? Wow, if I had a nickel for every time somebody has asked me that.
Joey: (Laughs) From school.
Mike: Yeah, we met in college. (Off Joey's look) I mean, high school.
Phoebe: Wow, you guys go way back then. So what are you up to these days?
Mike: Well, I'm a lawyer.
Joey: Mike, 'attorney at law'!
Mike: Actually, I just gave up my practice.
Joey: What? That's the kinda thing you usually run by me.
Mike: I always wanted to play piano professionally, and I figured if I don't do this now, I never will.
Phoebe: Wow, that's great! I liked that better than the law thing, so...
Joey: Which is why I waited until now to introduce you to Mike.
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Mike: What?!
Joey: What?!
Phoebe: Do you not know each other?
Joey: (Laughs) Of course we do! Mike is playing a game that we used to play in high school. Yeah, where we pretend we
don't know each other. We played all kinds of games. (To Mike) Hey, remember the one where I punch you in the face for
not being cool?!
Phoebe: Mike, let me ask you something. How many sisters does Joey have?
Mike: (Joey holds up six fingers) Six!
Joey: What are you doing? I said seven! (Holds up six fingers.) (Realizes his mistake) Argh!!!
Phoebe: Joey, why did you set me up with a stranger?
Joey: Because I forgot about our date, I'm so sorry.
Mike: I'm sorry too. And just to be clear, I didn't hit his mother with a car.
Phoebe: (To Joey) You are unbelievable! I spent so much time finding the perfect girl for you, you know. Mary Ellen is really
smart and cute and loose.
Mary Ellen: Hey!
Phoebe: Who are you kidding? (To Joey) You just find some guy off the street for me? Oh God! This is humiliating!
Joey: Look Phoebe I'm so sorry! Hey, look, if you don't like this guy I can find you a better one. (Looks around) Mike!! Mike!!
Phoebe: I'm out of here (She leaves)
Mike: It was nice meeting you!
Joey: (To Mary Ellen) You're leaving too?
Mary Ellen: I'll stay if you can tell me my name.
Joey: Good night!
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment]
Chandler: Honey, we're leaving tomorrow you've still got a lot of packing to do.
Monica: You're right. (Pause) Maybe I shouldn't go.
Chandler: What?
Monica: So Nancy told me about this job at this great restaurant, Javo (sp?). It's just a little outside of Tulsa.
Chandler: How far outside?
Monica: Manhattan.
Chandler: And you're thinking of taking it? (Pause) So before you said being me with me was more important than any job,
but I guess now it's old job, (Raises his hand) me, (Raises his hand) new job.
Monica: I'm gonna miss this hand! Okay I know it's a lot to ask, but oh my God Chandler, this is a once in a lifetime
opportunity.
Chandler: What happened to 'you can't live without me four days a week'?
Monica: Well, if you really think about it, I mean four days is not that long. I mean, I see you Monday before you go to work,
and I see you Thursday when you get back, and I always work late on Tuesdays, so really if you think about it, it's really just
one day. And well, if we can't make it one day, we've got real problems my friend.
Chandler: I think you should take the job.
Monica: Really?
Chandler: Yeah. I know it must be important to you when you start chattering like a monkey.
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Phoebe: Uh huh yeah (stands up) there's just something umm, there's something you should know (Pause) Vicrum just
called.
[Scene: Joey is back at Hayley's place after there date.]
Hayley: so it was kind of a shock after 25 years of marriage my parents, a perfect couple getting divorced, I kinda took it the
hardest cause I was the youngest.
Joey: Uh huh, sure, yeah. How can you not remember me?
Hayley: What?
Joey: How could you not remember that we slept together?
Hayley: What! When?
Joey: I dunno!
Hayley: I really, really think I would remember sleeping with you
Joey: come on, come on, search your brain all right. it was (thinks) a certain amount of time ago, I was here you were here,
we had sex (starts pointing out the places) here, here, here NOT there. Anything?
Hayley: no it's not ringing any bells.
Joey: my god woman! How many people do you have to had been with not to remember any of this?
Hayley's roommate: Hey Hayley you've really gotta fix that doorknob. Joey!
Joey: Ooooooooooh, I slept with you! And you obviously remember me Hey! I still got it. (Turns back to Hayley) so were
good. (She just glares at him) I'll let myself out.
[Scene: Phoebe is sitting with Mike, explaining about Vicrum.]
Phoebe: .and I said Vicrum you can't just call every time you get lonely you know, you, you gave up that right when you
slept with Rachel.
Mike: But Rachel I thought she just had a baby with Ross
Phoebe: yeah well (pause) yeah you know Emma's birth certificate might say Geller but her eyes say Mookurgee.
Mike: that is so wrong and on top of that his a glue sniffer.
Phoebe: I know but he call's and my heart goes to him. You know that bastard is one smooth talking free lance kite designer.
Mike: I just think there's somebody better out there for you, (pause) I mean I'm not saying me but. maybe me.
Phoebe: Oh.
Mike: and you don't have to worry about glue sniffing with me. although I do smell the occasional magic marker, yeah ah
anyway I just think I can make you happy.
Phoebe: ok I can't do this.
Mike: what's wrong?
Phoebe: well there is no Vicrum, Ross made him up because I never really have been in a long-term relationship, I've never
lived with a guy, and I've never even celebrated an anniversary so. (Pause) if that's too weird for you and you wanna leave I
totally understand. In fact I'll close my eye's make it less awkward (She sits with her eyes closed and Mike kisses her,
Phoebe opens her eyes and like a little child says.) You kissed me.
Mike: uh huh
Phoebe: so you don't think I'm a total freak
Mike: No. well look can I think your weird and also cool for telling me the truth and also wanna kiss you.
Phoebe: I guess so, can I. can I think it's cool that you kiss me and also wanna kiss you again (they get closer to kiss and
Phoebe pulls back) and umm, be a little concerned about the magic markers.
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Season 9
Mike: Definitely
Ross: (They kiss and the phone rings and machine picks it up, its Ross putting on an accent pretending to be Vicrum) This is
Vicrum.
[Scene: Chandler arrives home and Monica's got a video of Sharks ready for Chandler.]
Chandler: Hi honey I'm home!
Monica:: Hi, how was your flight? (She hugs him)
Chandler: oh it was great.
Monica:: Here why don't you sit down, get yourself comfortable because I. (Monica shows him the tape then puts it in)
have a little surprise for you.
Chandler: well, well, well it must be five in Tulsa because it's six o clock IN NY.C!
Monica:: Ok (sits down next to him) This is how much I love you. (She presses play then puts her arm around Chandler's
neck.)
Chandler: (Chandler looking confused) Honey why am I watching a bunch of sharks swimming around.
Monica:: Is this not the good part? Do you want me to fast forward to something a little toothier.
Chandler: no I'm not quite sure you got the right movie that's all.
Monica:: Oh well this is the only one they had at our video store, but they did have something called crocodile killers. Or
does it always have to be sharks?
Chandler: does what always have to be sharks.
Monica:: Honey look we can do something else, do you want me to get into the tub and thrash.
Chandler: What's going on?
Monica:: sweetie it's ok, I still love you, let me be a part of this.
Chandler: let ME be a part of this!
Monica:: I saw what you were doing in Tulsa. angry sharks turn you on!
Chandler: no they don't
Monica:: then why were you watching them and giving YOURSELF a treat.
Chandler: OH MY GOD! When you came in I switched the channel, I was just watching regular porn
Monica:: really?
Chandler: yeah just some good old fashion girl on girl American action.
Monica:: I cannot tell you how happy that makes me! (They hug)
Chandler: You are an amazing wife. (Monica shrugs) No really you're amazing you were actually gonna do this for me, I
mean where do you find the strength and understanding over something like that.
Monica:: Im very, very drunk right now.
(They hug, Scene fades to black)
[Scene: Phoebe is in central-perk with Joey telling him what Ross said t her at the beginning.]
Joey: (looks at a girl walk in) see ordinarily I would talk to her, but my confidence is shaken did I sleep with her? Did I not
sleep with her?
Phoebe: you know maybe this is a wake up call, about your whole dating attitude. Your in your thirty's and you've never
had a serious relationship and you have never been in a long term relationship, here you go from woman to woman,
meaningless experience to meaningless experience never even worrying that it doesn't tern into anything serious.
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Joey: your right! I love my life! (He gets up to go and speak to the girl and he turns back and sits down) I actually did sleep
with her.
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Chandler: Alright, lolook. I dont smoke anymore. But if the rest of you want to light up, go ahead, its fine. (everyone
lights up) So you all smoke then? Thats almost rude, that Im not.
Ken: Thats not true. If you dont wanna smoke
Chandler: (loud) Ken, please! No, I cant, I cant smoke. If I smoke, my wife would kill me.
Ken: Im sorry, but isnt your wife back in New York?
Chandler: I always liked you, Ken. (takes a cigarette)
[Scene: The Bings. Monica in bathrobe, merely covered. Someones knocking at the door.]
Phoebe: (from outside) Trick or treat! (Its obviously Halloween eve, the night of her birthday dinner.)
Monica: (opening the door) Hey!
Phoebe: Ooh, and treat it is. (Monicas breasts.)
Monica: Hmhmm. (ties up)
Phoebe: Wow, so glad I changed. Almost wore my ??? outfit that cant contain my breasts.
Monica: This is not, what Im wearing. Im ovulating and Chandlers gonna be home any minute, so I thought we would try
before dinner.
Phoebe: Ohh. Oh wait! (Jis) you guys wont be late for my dinner, will you?
Monica: Believe me, Chandler and I have not seen each other in over a week. Well probably be the first ones there.
Phoebe: kay, see you there. Happy humping! (outside meeting Chandler.) Heyhey! Oh, wow, somebody smoked out
here? Oh my god, dont people know, youre not allowed to smoke in public spaces?
Chandler: Actually, in Oklahoma smoking is legal in all commune areas and offices with fewer than fifteen people.
Phoebe: You smoked!
Chandler: No! I just happened tdo a lot trivias about smoking in different states. For example, in Hawaii cigarettes are
called Leyhallalookoos.
Phoebe: (smells at him) Chandler, you stink of cigarettes.
Chandler: Uch, do you think, Monica is gonna be able smell it?
Phoebe: Are you kidding? The woman has the nose of a bloodhound and the breasts of a Greek goddess.
Chandler: Pheebs?
Phoebe: (embarrassed) Im gonna go. (leaves to stairs)
Chandler: (getting in) Okay, something to cover the smell Oven cleaner! (sprays himself, reads label) Unscented!
Monica: (naughty in doorway) Welcome home. Ive missed you. join me in the bedroom?
Chandler: No thanks, Im good.
Monica: (comes over) O-kay, so you wanna play it that way, do you?
Chandler: (shrinks back) Right. You know what? Actually I just get off the plane, so Im feeling kinda gross. Maybe I should
just take a shower.
Monica: You dont need a shower.
Chandler: (still backs away) Alright, the truth is, I soiled myself during some turbulences.
Monica: What do I smell? (sniffs him) I smell smoke. Huhdid you smoke?
Chandler: Yes, but I just had one. Two. Two tiny cigarettes. Okay, five. A pack. Two packaa carton. Three big fat cartons
in two days. (How many cigarettes are there in one pack and how many packs in one carton in the US?) But its over, I made
a decision, Im not gonna smoke anymore.
Monica: (gets a pack out of his jacket)
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Monica: How can you smoke in this day of age? Do you not seen that ad with a little kid walks to grandpa, its chilling.
Chandler: I messed up, it was a meeting, everybody was smoking.
Monica: So what? Dont you have any will power?
Chandler: Will power? Ive watch home movies of you eating ding-dongs (?) without taking the tin foil off.
Monica: You said that was sexy!
Chandler: kay, look: Can we just drop this? Im not gonna smoke again.
Monica: Thats right, because I forbid you to smoke again.
Chandler: You forbid me?
Monica: Mhmm.
Chandler: You know, I flew a long way t see my loving wife? Is she here by the way?
Monica: Dont joke (?) with me, okay? Im very, very upset right now.
Chandler: Oh, would you say this was the most upset you could be?
Monica: Yes.
Chandler: Then, I might as well (grabs the cigarettes) do this (lights one, exhales). Not really sure what to do now.
Monica: Well, Ill tell you what were gonna do: We are already late for Phoebes birthday dinner, so you point out put out
that cigarette, were gonna put this fight on hold and go have sex.
Chandler: Fine. What!?
Monica: Sex! This is the last day Im ovulating, and when we dont do it now, well have to wait till next month. (walks
towards bedroom)
Chandler: You serious? (follows)
Monica: Oh yeah!
Chandler: Right, fine, Ill do it, but no talking.
Monica: Huh, and no cuddling.
Chandler: And no kissing your neck.
Monica: Oh good, I hate it when you do that
Chandler: And lots of kissing your neck.
[Scene: Outside Ross and Rachels.]
Ross: Okay, well the ??? is not home.
Rachel: No. Uch.
Ross: Oh-oh, wait, my mother is gonna be here any minute. And she has the keys.
Rachel: Alright, I cant, I cant wait that long. You have to do somethingknock that door down!
Ross: I would, but I bruise like a peach. Besides, yyou know, everything is gonna be fine. The babys sleeping.
Rachel: What if she jumped out the bassinet?
Ross: Cant hold her own head up, but yeah jumped.
Rachel: Oh my god, I left the water running.
Ross: Rach you did not leave the water running. Please, just pull yourself together, okay?
Rachel: Ah, did I leave the stove on?
Ross: You never cooked since 1996. (Actually Rachel cooked in 609 - TOW Ross Got High, first aired 1999-11-25.)
Rachel: Is the window open? Because if theres a window open, a bird could fly in there.
Ross: Oh my god, you know what, yeah, I think youre right. I think listen, listen!
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Rachel: Ubb.
Ross: A pigeon, a pigeon. (previously scared Rachel turns away) No, no wait, no-no, an eagle flew in. Landed on the stove
and caught fire. The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty birds aid. The eagle, however,
misconstrues as an act of aggression and grabs the baby on its talon. Meanwhile the faucet fills the apartment with water.
Baby and bird still up lays (?) are locked in a death grip, swirling around the whirl pool, that fills the apartment.
Rachel: Boy, are you gonna be sorry if thats true.
[Scene: The restaurant with still just Phoebe and Joey.]
Waiter: Hello.
Phoebe & Joey: Hey.
Waiter: Its been an hour. ??? be willing to reconsider switching to a smaller table.
Joey: Maybe we should just eat now.
Waiter: You cant order until your entire party has arrived. Restaurant policy.
Joey: Wha-a how about this: Another table leaves, right? But theres still some food left on their place, okay, whats the
restaurants policy about people eatin that?
Waiter: Estrangement (?).
Joey: But it happens? (waiter leaves) Im gotta go to the bathroom.
Phoebe: No, you cant go. No-no-no, I cant hold this table on my own. If they ask me to move, I cave.
Joey: If you ask me to stay, Ill pee. (leaves)
Maitre D: Good evening, Miss. (Phoebe turns her head away) Miss? (from the opposite side) Miss? (she turns again) Miss!
Phoebe: Okay, fine, Ill move. Alright, you dont have to manhandle me. (gets up) Where? (he points at a smaller table)
Okay. Thank you. Wach.
Joey: (returns to their old table where elderly people are sitting now, sits) Finally you guys made it. (looks up, turns left to
Phoebes chair) Pheebs, who the helluhuhh!
[Scene: The Bings bedroom, Chandler is undressing, Monica in bed already.]
Monica: Spend more time with the tie. Thatll make a baby.
Chandler: Look, I cant do this. I cant make luv to you while were fighting this way.
Monica: Oh sure, now youre Mister Sensitivity. But when you wanted to have sex right after my uncles funeral
Chandler: That was a celebration of life. Alright, look, Im not gonna do this. Alright, is this really the way you want a baby
to be conceived?
Monica: No, youre right. Mnya, we shouldnt do it like this. Huch. For what its worth, Im, Im sorry. I shouldnt have come
down on you so hard about the smoking. So you had a few cigarettes, not the end of the world.
Chandler: Mean it?
Monica: Yah.
Chandler: You are incredible. Unless, IIm not gonna smoke again. And if I do, I promise, I will hide it so much better from
you. (they kiss)
Monica: Dyou want to?
Chandler: Yeah, lets celebrate life!
Monica: kay.
[Scene: Ms. Geller, Rachel and Ross storm into the apartment.]
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Rachel: Och, god. (seeing Emma) Oh, thank god, youre okay. Im so sorry we left you. Mom never gonna leave you again.
Never ever ever again. Uch.
Ross: Great. So lets get going?
Rachel: Oh no. I mean it. After what just happened, Im never leaving her again.
Ms. Geller: I understand, separation is hard. One time I was about to leave Ross to go to the beauty parlor and he got so
upset, he took off all his clothes, tucked his ??? between his legs and cried out: Mommy, Im a girl, take me with you.
Ross: Somehow over time it got easier to be apart from you.
[Scene: Bings in bed, finished.]
Chandler: Uhh. You are welcome.
Monica: You know what? Lets not talk.
Chandler: What?
Monica: Uch. I am still so mad at you for smoking.
Chandler: But you said you forgave me. It was just a couple of cigarettesno big deal.
Monica: Oh, blablablabaybaybay.
Chandler: Leave it.
Monica: I was just saying that because I was ovulating and you said you wouldnt have sex with me while were fighting.
Chandler: You tricked me to get me into bed?
Monica: Thats right, I got mine.
Chandler: I feel so used.
[Scene: Restaurant, still just the not-couple.]
Phoebe: Well, I guess theyre not coming. You wanna just order?
Joey: Thank you. (stands up and kisses her lips.) Waiter! lright, this is gonna be fast, so try to keep up: Risotto with the
shaped truffles and the roasted rip steak with the golden Chanterelles and a Bordelaise sauce and that any that stuff I just
said means snails. (Hope, *I* kept up.)
Waiter: Erdoes not.
Phoebe: Tomato tart and which of the pastas would you recommend?
Waiter: Oh, theyre both exclus
Phoebe: Both it is, thank you.
Joey: Oh, uh, again. Can I make a special request: Can you bring everything as soon as its ready? Appetizers, entrees, we
dont care.
Ross & Rachel: (entering) Hey, hi, hi!
Waiter: Ill just wait to put your order in.
Phoebe: You guys are over an hour late. What happened to you two?
Ross: Im so sorry
Rachel: We got locked out of the apartment, we
Joey: Thats a great storycan I eat it?
Ross: And then Rachel wasnt sure she could leave the baby.
Rachel: N-it wasnt easy, but its your birthday and I did what I got to do.
Phoebe: And thats Judy over there at the bar with Emma?
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Rachel: Oh honey, this is for the best, thus Im not distracted, worrying about Emma, how shes doing at home and Im
being completely here with you and, oh, she spit up!
Ross: What?
Rachel: She spit up. Judy! She spiJudy! Look alive, Judy! (they sit down) Thank you.
Ross: Thanks. Oh.
Rachel: Oh, ooh, everything looks delicious. What should I ha-ave? What should I have?
Joey: (mumbling) Never hit a woman. Never hit a woman.
Ross: Yknow this ??? is incredible.
Joey: Ross bruises like a peach. He bruises like a peach.
Ross: Okay, Ill have the fixed salad and the duck.
Rachel: Yah, Ill have the soup and the salmon.
Joey: And remember whatever comes up first. Okay? And hurry, because
Monica: (entering with husband) Happy birthday!
Joey: Son of a bitch!
Phoebe: Wher-where have you been?
Monica: Well, we had a little fight.
Chandler: I would never lie to get someone into bed.
Monica: You used to tell girls you were a Kennedy. (being sat down) Ooh, uh, thanks. Wow, little tight, isnt it? How dyou
get a bigger table? You-you had a big table, but they made you move. Huh-huh, shut up Monica. Whoo, I suppose that
Chandler will have the smoked duck.
Chandler: I suppose that Monica will have the manipulative shrew.
Waiter: Ill give you another minute.
Joey: Why are you going? He said, she wanted the shrew! (runs after the waiter)
Ross: Rach, cmon, Emma is fine. Youre turning into an obsessive mother. Okay, you need to stop.
Rachel: Yguys ever heard the story about when Rosses mom went to the beauty salon?
Chandler: You mean the lully story?
Ross: (childish) Huh-huh, they already know it.
Phoebe: You guys, weve been waiting for you for a long time, maybe you should order.
Joey: (returned) No, no, its okay, I already told the waiter what they want.
Monica: Why would you do that?
Joey: Chandler, control your woman!
Rachel: (lifts for a toast) Okay, as everybody has ordered, I would like to start the celebration and make a toast to Phoebe.
She dropped her sock.
Phoebe: Aw what?
Rachel: N-no, Emma dropped her sock.
Monica: Moms here? I wanted to have lunch with her today, she told me she was out of town.
Rachel: Ross, she still has not noticed that the babys sock is on the ground.
Phoebe: s a good toast.
Rachel: (to Ross) Could you please get her attention?
Ross: W-oa Mommy! (gestures to his not understanding mother)
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Season 9
Phoebe: (getting up) Oh, for gods sake, Judy, pick up the sock! Pick up the sock! Pick up the sock! (everybody scared) Im
sorry, was that rude? Di-did my, my li-little outburst blunt (?) the hideousness (?) that is this evening? Look, I know, you all
have a lot going on, but all I wanted to do was have dinner with my friends on my birthday. And you are all so late and you
didnt even have the courtesy to call. (her cellular rings) Well, its too late now.
Ross: Well, ??? think thats us?
Phoebe: well, this is, this is, this is not over! (on phone) Hello?
Joey: (to Chandler and Monica) Well, what is going on with you two?
Monica: Uch, you see, Im ovulating.
Chandler: Oh yeah, thats what she says. But maybe youre not ovulating at all, maybe its just a clever ruse to get me into
bed.
Monica: Yes smokie, that is what it was. I just cant get enough.
Chandler: (to Joey) You not gonna believe this: She lied! She tricked me into having sex with her.
Joey: So? Did have sex, right?
Chandler: Whats the matter with me? Why Im such a girl?
Phoebe: (returns) Okay, that was Mike.
Rachel: Phoebe, hi, were so sorry. Youre totally right. We are here one hundred per cent and we love you and we are
ready to start your birthday celebration.
Phoebe: Mhuh, guys, that means the world to me. Huh, nkay, Im gonna take off.
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: Oh, I love you guys too, but Mike got off work early. Wait. Wait, Im not tnot that kind of girl that just ditches her
friends to be with her boyfriend. You know what? I am. Bye guys! (waves to the bar) Judy! Bye.
Rachel: Oh thank god, if Phoebes going, can we please take Emma home?
Ross: You know, I think thats a good ideaour babysitter just pounded in another Chardonnet. (both get up) Bye, yguys.
Monica: Bye.
Joey: See ya. Well, this is just us.
Monica & Chandler: Mhum.
Monica: So, Im, Im probably still ovulating. Do you want to give it another try?
Chandler: So you never had sex with a Kennedy, have you?
Joey: Do, do you gonna do it now?
Monica: We dont have much time. Once the egg descended the oviduct
Joey: No-ohoh. (the Bings leave, the waiter comes)
Maitre D: I sincerely hope the rest of your party is returning.
Joey: Nah, just me. All alone. (all the food is served) Dinner for six for one, uh, you boys are about to see something really
special.
Closing Credits
[Scene: continues, Joey finished everything.]
Waiter: How was everything, sir?
Joey: Excellent. The shrew in particular was exclusive.
Waiter: Well, I hope, you got some room left.
Waiters: (with birthday cake, singing) Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear
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[Scene: Chandler's hotel room in Tulsa. He's fast asleep when the telephone rings.]
Chandler: (picking up the telephone, answering it with a frog in his throat) Hello? (he clears his throat, but he still has the
same frog in his throat when he speaks again) Hello?
Monica: (in her apartment, screaming) I LOVE MY NEW JOB!
Chandler: Honey, you're screaming.
Monica: YOU BET YOUR ASS I AM! I just had the best first day ever! The kitchen: twice as big as Allessandro's.
Chandler: (yawning) Oh, that's great.
Monica: Yeah, a-a-and clean. Not just health department clean... Monica clean.
Chandler: (clearly not so interested) Awesome.
Monica: Oh, and the people are so nice. There's this one guy, Geoffrey, he's the Maitre D., Chandler, you will love him. He is
without a doubt, the funniest guy I have ever met. (Chandler, who was almost asleep again, sits up straight in bed in an
instant and can't believe what he just heard.)
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Mike are on the couch, holding hands, while Phoebe puts milk in her coffee.]
Mike: This is nice.
Phoebe: I know! (Phoebe picks up a little packet of sugar, shakes it, and then realises she can't open it with one hand, but
doesn't want to let go of Mike's hand. She tries to tear open the packet with one hand.)
Mike: You need both hands for that?
Phoebe: Yeah, I kinda do. (Mike lets go of her hand) Well, how's this? (she takes Mike's hand and puts it on her breast, she
tears open the sugar and puts it in her coffee. Mike thinks it over and nods appreciative. After that, they hold hands again.
Joey now enters, and sees the two sitting on the couch, holding hands.)
Joey: (in a very aaaaahhhhh sweeeeeet voice) Aaahhh, look at you two... holding hands... huh is this getting serious?
(Phoebe and Mike, embarrassed, start babbling and look away.) Have you not talked about it yet? (They say nothing now,
but smile) Am I making you uncomfortable? (smiles are becoming forced now, and he speaks to Mike) If you were bigger
you'd hit me, huh...? Aaaaaahhhhhh (he turns away to the bar)
Phoebe: I'm sorry... I'm sorry. It's obviously way too early for us to be... having that conversation.
Mike: Is it?
Phoebe: (in a flash she answers) Maybe not, is it?
Mike: Okay, when I got divorced, I didn't think I'd feel this way about someone for a really long time... Then again, I didn't
think I'd meet someone like you... and... this may be crazy soon, but... I want you to have this... (He tries to get something
from his pocket, but it's not that easy... Phoebe looks in a "what's happening" face to him. He finally has found something)
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Season 9
No, not... that's gum. (He digs in a little more.) Ooh, five bucks... I love it when that happens, you know... Think no note's
there...
Phoebe: (impatient) I know Mike, why don't you keep digging?
Mike: Oh, sorry. (He digs in again and finally finds what he's been looking for. A key.)
Phoebe: Oh, it's a key. To be honest, I think I'd prefer the five dollars.
Mike: It's to my apartment.
Phoebe: (really surprised) Oh wow, ooh! Ooh, big step for Phoebe and Mike.
Mike: Yeah, look, and I don't want you to feel like you have to give me your key just because...
Phoebe: Oh no, I want to.
Mike: Oh, thank God. (he laughs nervously, and Phoebe gets her keychain from her bag.)
Phoebe: Yeah... ooh... wow... Even started to think I'd never meet someone that, you know, I wanted to... do this with.
Here you go. (Both Phoebe and Mike look really proud.)
Mike: Is this cool, huh?
Phoebe: It really is.
Joey: (sitting at his table) Oh, I know it... It is amazing these little things open doors... huh! (mimes opening a door with his
own keys, Phoebe looks at him in a "yeah, yeah, yeah" way.)
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Both of them sitting on the couch, interviewing a nanny candidate.]
Rachel: So I don't go back to work for another four weeks, but we would like our nanny to start right away, so that Emma
could get a chance to know her.
Prospective nanny: (in a sweet, caring voice) I think that's really smart. The easier we can make the transition for her, the
better. (Ross and Rachel seem pleased with the answer.)
Rachel: That's great, great. So do you have any questions for us?
Prospective nanny: Not really.
Rachel: Allright. Well thank you so much for coming... (they're standing up and make their way to the door)
Ross: Thank you.
Rachel: Really nice to meet you... and we'll call you.
Prospective nanny: Oh, you know, wait. I do have one question. (she starts playing with her hair) Do you guys do random
drug testing?
Ross: Boy, we uhm... hadn't really thought of that.
Prospective nanny: That's cool. But... but if you do, I'm gonna need three days notice.
Rachel: Okidoki! (and she slams the door in the nanny's face while Ross crumples up the application form) Wow! We're
never gonna find a nanny.
Ross: Oh, come on Rach, we will. I promise. We have more interviews (They sit down and Rachel sighs) And worse comes to
worse, we can always reconsider the uhm... the first one we met with.
Rachel: (indignant) What, the blonde with no bra?
Ross: She was blonde? (he looks surprised for a while, but then gets a "gotcha" expression on his face... There's knocking at
the door.) Just a sec.! Okay, okay. This one's name is Sandy. She's got a degree in early childhood education, uhm... she
worked for her last family for three years.
Rachel: Okay... (Ross opens the door.)
Sandy: (a guy) Hi... I'm Sandy.
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Phoebe: I mean I guess, I just have to... tell David that nothing can happen between us. Unless I don't... You know,
complicated moral situation, no right, no wrong...
Monica: You have to tell David!
Phoebe: Okay, I knew I should have had this conversation with Joey.
[Scene: The hallway between the two apartments. Chandler comes home.]
Chandler: (angry) Funniest guy she's ever met! (to the door) I'm funny, right...? What do you know, you're a door... You just
like knock-knock jokes... (laughs about himself, but then gets determined again) Save it for inside! (he enters)
Monica: Heeeeeey!
Chandler: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey!
Chandler: So... Oklahoma is a crazy place. You know, they call it the Sooner state. Frankly I'd sooner be in any other state.
(Monica looks at Phoebe, who also doesn't know what to say.) And what's with Oklahoma having a pan handle? Can all
states have stuff like that? Hey yeah, I'm from the waistband, Wyoming. But when I was seven, we headed over to the
crotch.
Monica: (Doesn't believe what she's hearing) Was your cabin pressurised?
Chandler: (laughs, but then moves to Phoebe) And don't get me started on the way that people from Tulsa talk.
Phoebe: Okay. (and she walks away)
Chandler: What's with the word y'all? You know, just... two words just... pushed together... Are we all allowed to do that,
because if so, I say why stop there? You know, your new poodle could be your noodle. And fried chicken? Could be
fricken.Waiter, waiter excuse me, I'll have the fricken? (Monica laughs) See, that's... that's funny with the fricken, right?
Monica: No, it just remind me of something this guy did today at work. I told you about that funny guy, Geoffrey, right?
Chandler: Yeah, he came up...
Monica: Well, he did this bit... You probably had to be there, but it was Liza Minelli locked in our freezer, eating a raw
chicken. (Phoebe bursts out in a laugh)
Chandler: (to Phoebe) Were you there?
Phoebe: No, but it sounds like it was fricken funny...
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. They're interviewing Sandy.]
Sandy: I really do understand how hard it's gotta be to leave your child with another person. I mean, it's leaving behind a
piece of your heart... (Ross has got that bored/angry/skeptic look and Rachel is very emotional)
Rachel: Sandy, that's exactly what it is...
Ross: Are you gay? (Rachel turns to Ross in an embarrassed way)
Rachel: Ross!
Sandy: It's okay. I get that a lot doing what I do. But I am straight. I-I'm engaged actually.
Rachel: Oh!
Sandy: Her name is Deliah.
Rachel: Oh, that's pretty.
Ross: (skeptic) So you're just like a... guy who's a nanny?
Sandy: I realise how it's... a bit unorthodox for some people, but I really believe, the most satisfying thing you can do with
your life, is take care of a child.
Ross: (on a yeah, right tone) Okay.
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Season 9
Sandy: Like in my last job, I met Daniel when he was three weeks old. And I got to watch him grow into this awesome
person... When I left, I said: I'll see you soon... And he said to me: Skdandy... (Ross and Rachel look puzzled) That was his
name for me... I'll see you every day... right in... (points at his heart, but starts to cry before he can finish his sentence.
Rachel tries to comfort him, but Ross has this "you've got to be kidding me" look all over him)
Ross: Yeah, kids say all kinds of crap. (In the other room Emma starts to cry.)
Rachel: Oh God, she mu... she must need her diaper changed.
Sandy: Oh, oh, I can do it for her, if you want...
Rachel: Oh, that would be great! (Sandy leaves for Emma's room) I love him, I love him, I love him...
Ross: Oh, come on, Rach, he's a guy!
Rachel: So wh..? He's smart, he's qualified. Give me one good reason we shouldn't try him out.
Ross: Because, it's weird!
Rachel: Why?
Ross: What kind of job is that for a man? A nanny? I-It's like if a woman wanted to be...
Rachel: (she's got that "yeah, try to say it" look on her face) Yes?
Ross: King?
Sandy: I er... I hope you don't mind. I used some of my home-made lotion on Emma. It's a mixture of calendula and honey
cream. It'll dry that rash right up. Plus... It keeps the hands young... (it makes Rachel smile)
Rachel: (whispering and begging) Please? (Ross makes a "whatever" gesture) YES! Sandy you're hired.
Sandy: That's great! (He gets emotional again and waves his hand in front of his face in a feminine way, like trying to dry his
tears) I'm sorry. It's just... such an emotional thing when you're welcomed into a new family...
Rachel: Oooh... ***I really can't hear what she says*** come here.
Ross: You gotta be at least bi...
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey is reading a 'Busty Ladies' magazine when Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey! (Joey doesn't look up, but gestures 'wait a minute' with his finger while he finishes reading the article.
Chandler waits for Joey to finish.) I need you to set me up for a joke. Later, when Monica is around, I need you to ask me
about fire trucks.
Joey: Ooh. I-I don't know Chan. I'm not so good with remembering lines.
Chandler: (Can't believe what he hears) Well, thank God your livelihood doesn't depend on it.
Joey: I know, right? (Chandler has really big eyes, and nods) Wh... Wh... Why are we doing this?
Chandler: Monica says that her Maitre D. is the funniest guy she's ever met.
Joey: Seriously? She actually said that?
Chandler: Yes! Am I crazy to be this upset?
Joey: Nooooo! Being funny is your thing!
Chandler: Yeah!
Joey: Without that, you just got "lame with women".
Chandler: Ye.... (stops because he realises what Joey just said, and stares at him. At this moment Monica enters)
Monica: Hi! There you are.
Joey: (sees Monica) Fire trucks! (Chandlers eyes double in size and he turns to Monica who doesn't understand what's
happening. Then he turns back to Joey, who says "you're welcome" without a sound)
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Season 9
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment. Phoebe just let David in who brought a bottle of wine.]
David: Wow, you look even... more beautiful than you did yesterday.
Phoebe: Oof...
David: In fact, ehm... I going to kiss you now. (David holds Phoebe and wants to kiss her.)
Phoebe: Oh, wait, wait!
David: Yeah, I-I don't, I can't get away with stuff like that. I-I-It sounded sexy in my head, so I...
Phoebe: No, no, it's not that. (they go sit on the couch) Uhm... Remember when you asked me if I was seeing someone and
I said no? Well, uhm... I am. His ... his name is Mike.
David: Oh... oh...
Phoebe: Yeah, I should have told you.
David: No... well, yeah.
Phoebe: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
David: Well, i-it's okay. I-I-I understand... Well, s... well, are you happy with this guy?
Phoebe: I am happy.
David: Damn it! I-I'm sorry. I-I don't mean that. I-I want you to be happy... But only with me. No, uhm... that's not fair. Uh,
who cares, leave him!. Oh, I don't mean that. Yes I do... I'm sorry Uhm, I... I think I should probably uhm... go...
Phoebe: Well... but David, just... I just want you to know that... that... you know... telling you this... is one of the hardest
things I've ever had to do.
David: Well... just so you know... hearing it wasn't exactly a Vladnik carnival either... Can we at least hug goodbye?
Phoebe: Of course, yeah.(they hug and Phoebe sighs... a little after that also David sighs and makes his way to the door)
You know, a kiss on the cheek wouldn't be totally inappropriate...
David: No... no...
Phoebe: I mean... (David kisses Phoebe on the cheek, makes his way to the door and turns around again)
David: In Minsk...
Phoebe: Yeah?
David: ...it's uhm... i-it's two on each cheek and uhm... and one on the lips.
Phoebe: Well, if that's what they do in Minsk... (They kiss 2 on each cheek... and then they pause... David turns to the door)
In New York... it's... (and then David grabs her by her neck and kisses her full on the lips... They kiss passionately and cannot
seem to stop.)
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel and Sandy sit on the couch. Sandy holds Emma. Ross enters the apartment.
Sandy and Rachel wipe their tears away with handkerchiefs]
Rachel: (in a tearful voice) Oh... Oh boy... (she turns around and sees Ross) Hi...
Ross: (very worried) Is everything allright?
Rachel: Oh yeah, it's fine, it's fine. Sandy was just... was just telling me about how he proposed to his fiance and it was just
sooo beautiful.
Sandy: Well, her favourite flower is the camellia. From the poem...
Rachel: I can't... I can't hear it again.
Sandy: You know, I can't tell it again... (wipes his tears again)
Ross: And I'm fine never having heard it... (Rachel looks at Ross in a "why do you say that" manner) Rach, can I... can I see
you for a sec?
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Season 9
Rachel: Yeah! (to Sandy) Excuse me... (She walks to the kitchen with Ross and sighs)
Ross: Do you realise that man has cried in our apartment three times...? Huh? I haven't cried that many times since I moved
in.
Rachel: Look, Ross, he's just... Sandy is just sensitive, that's all.
Ross: (picks up a cookie) Okay, okay, see... that... that is the problem. He is too sensitive. (takes a bite from the cookie)
Rachel: What...? Too sensitive to take care of our baby?
Ross: (speaking with his mouth full) Yeah, I mean, all things that guy... (looks at the cookie) These are amazing!
Rachel: Sandy made Madeleines.
Ross: This... this is exactly what I'm talking about. What kind of a guy makes... makes... delicate French cookies, huh?
They're not even... butch, manly cookies with... with... you know with... with chunks. (takes a careful bite from the cookie)
Rachel: Well, I... you know, I-I-I don't know what to say... I mean, I never thought of you as a guy who needed his men to be
men. You know, 'cause I gotta tell you Ross, it not like you just came in from branding cattle.
Ross: Hey... there's sensitive... and there is too sensitive.
Rachel: Okay, what? What is too sensitive? (There's music coming from the living room. Ross opens the door to the living
room and he and Rachel see Sandy play a song for Emma on his recorder. Rachel is moved by this, but Ross only sees his
point proven again, and walks back into the kitchen, angrily. The door he was holding, swings back and hits Rachel.)
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment. She and David are still kissing each other in the living room.]
Phoebe: Hmmm... No, no... No, I can't do this. It's bad.
David: But... I-I-It's nice... A-a-and... nice is good. A-a-and good is not bad, ergo, w-w-we should keep kissing.
Phoebe: No, no. No.
David: But... ergo...
Phoebe: Look David, if... if you had never left, then... yeah, we'd probably still be together right now, but... you did leave,
and I-I'm with Mike and I really care about him...
David: Uhm... uhm... Goodbye... Uh... Schto ya ztez vigul... ui... (David holds his hands gently on the back of Phoebe's neck.
There's a sound of a a bunch of keys rattling, and the door opens... It's Mike)
Mike: Well... hey, the key works...! (he looks as if he doesn't want to believe what's happening)
Phoebe: (points to David) And you thanks for the face massage. Thank you.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica is in the kitchen and Ross enters.]
Ross: Did Rachel tell you we hired a male nanny?
Monica: Yeah! I think that's great!
Ross: Oh really? Did she tell you he plays the recorder, recites poetry and bakes Madeleines?
Monica: Oh... How are they?
Ross: (looks like in heaven) Lighter than air... (changes back to serious) But that's not the point. (Joey now also enters)
Joey: Hey!
Ross: Hey...! Rachel and I hired a male nanny.
Joey: (looks surprised) Really...? Guys do that...? That's... weird...
Ross: Thank you!
Joey: That's like a woman wanting to be a...
Ross: ...a what? A what? What's the end of that sentence?
Monica: Yes... What is the end of that sentence?
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Season 9
Joey: Uhm... A penis model. (Monica can't believe what's she's hearing and Ross pats Joey on the back.) Anyway, hey... Did
you tell Chandler that some guy from work is the funniest guy you've ever met?
Monica: Yeah, so?
Ross: Wow!
Joey: Really? Do you not know Chandler?
Monica: Is that why he's acting so weird...? He's jealous...? Oh my God, that is crazy. It's not like I'm attracted to Geoffrey...
Joey: So what? Being funny is Chandler's thing... You know, like Ross's thing is... (he can't come up with anything)
Ross: Science...? Academia...? Being a good father...?
Joey: ...No... (he just can't seem to grasp it)
Monica: I can't believe he's that upset about this...
Joey: Monica, you have to do some damage control here, okay. 'Cause he's feeling like... (the door opens and Chandler
walks in with a pizza)
Chandler: Hey!
Joey: Heeeyy! Hey!
Chandler: What are you guys talking about?
Ross: Uhm... Rachel and I hired a male nanny. (Joey makes a gesture and sound like "Can you believe that?")
Chandler: You got a man who's a nanny...? You got a manny...? (Monica starts laughing, but very exaggerated. Joey realises
they also should laugh and punches Ross. Now all three of them laugh, but very fake. Chandler seems happy again.)
Chandler: You know, I don't mind a... male nanny, but I do draw the line at a male wetnurse. (again they laugh, even more
fake than before)
Monica: Ohhh, ooohhh... you are on a roll, mister!
Chandler: If I'd known you guys were coming over, I would have brought more pizza. (they all burst out in a thundering
laugh)
Monica: Okay, okay... Chandler you... you stop it! (Monica wipes away tears)
Chandler: What is so funny about that? (they realise it wasn't a joke)
Monica: Well, I don't know... I-It's... just the way you say it... I mean, you're funny... You have that funny thing. You're a
funny guy! (Chandler turns to Joey)
Chandler: Did you tell her what we talked about? (Joey starts laughing hysterically, but then gets serious again...)
Joey: Yeah....
Chandler: So those were pity laughs? PITY LAUGHS? (Joey and Ross walk away from the kitchen)
Monica: Honey, listen... You have nothing to worry about with Geoffrey.
Chandler: Oh yeah? Is he funnier than me?
Monica: Well, you're... you're different funny... I mean, you're... you're more sarcastic a-a-and... well, he does... bits... and
impressions... and... and limericks...
Chandler: I do limericks... uhm... There once was a man named Chandler, whose wife made him die inside.
Monica: Honey, you know I think you're hilarious! Come on, you know that joke you told me last week? The one about Jerry
Lewis and the girl with the lazy eye...? (he laughs) That slayed me.
Ross: Hey... I made up that joke and told it to you! (He points at Chandler. Joey gestures to Ross "What are you doing?)
Joey: Not knowing when to shut up...
Ross: Yep! That's my thing...
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Season 9
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment. David is still there. Mike closes the door.]
Mike: So... how many guys have your key?
Phoebe: No, no, no, no, no... It's not... it's not... i'ts not as bad as it looks... really. I was just saying goodbye to an old friend.
Mike: Your lipstick's on his mouth.
David: Oh, uh... we just uh... happen to wear the same shade.
Phoebe: No, uhm... David and I did use to go out... but years ago, and he lives in Minsk. He's only... he's only in town for a
couple of days.
Mike: Did you uhm...
Phoebe: No, no...
Mike: ...kiss him?
Phoebe: Oh, well, yeah...
David: Yes, but uhm... You should know... she really likes you. I-In fact I-I-I don't think you realise j-just how lucky you are
fella. (he points at Mike)
Mike: Don't point your finger at me.
David: Why? Wh-What are you going to do about it?
Mike: Well... I'll... just show you what I'm gonna do about it... (he hits David's finger with his finger and they start to fingerfight using their fingers as swords saying all kinds of macho crap)
Phoebe: Stop it! Stop it, before someone gets really hurt! (they stop and Phoebe gets David's jacket and gives it to him)
Here David, you should just go.
David: Allright... But... if I ever do come back from Minsk... (points at Mike) well, you just better watch out.
Mike: Well, if I ever goto Minsk, you'd better watch out.
David: Oh, you're going to Minsk?
Mike: Well, I might.
David: Really? Well, if you do, come in the spring. It's just lovely there.
Phoebe: Okay, well... guys?
David: Right... Goodbye Phoebe. (Makes a move to kiss her.)
Mike: Hey, what are you kidding me?
David: Right-o, right-o... (to Mike) Take good care of her. (and he leaves)
Phoebe: I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. If you... If you want your key back, I totally understand.
Mike: It's never gonna happen again right?
Phoebe: Right! Never! Never! I swear! (They kiss... The door opens and David comes in again.)
David: I-I... Oh I...I just wanna say uhm... if you do ever come to Minsk, that's my number (gives Mike a business card) We'll
uhm... we'll party up Vladnik style. (He leaves again)
[Scene: Ross walks in the hallway to his apartment and stops in front of his own door. Now he hears two recorders playing a
song. When he enters, Sandy and Joey are playing the recorder and Rachel listens.]
Joey: Yeah! Allright! Hey, hey Ross. Check it out! Sandy taught me Hot-cross Buns.
Ross: Really? Sounded like Three Blind Mice.
Joey: Noooo... Three Blind Mice goes like this... (he puts his fingers in position on the recorder)
Ross: (looks angrily at Joey and points at him) I swear to God...! (Joey is in shock)
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Season 9
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is playing with Emma on the couch after just changing her diaper.]
Ross: And that's why, no matter what mommy says, we really were on a break. (baby talk) Yes we were! Yes we were!
(picks Emma up) Come here gorgeous. (puts her on his knees and talks to her) Oh! Look at you! You are the cutest little
baby ever! You're just a... a little bitty baby, you know that? But you've got... (in a softer voice) You've got big beautiful
eyes... Yes you do... and a... and a big round belly. (emphasises the B's) Big baby butt! I like big butts. (raps) I like big butts
and I cannot lie / you other brothers can't deny / when a girl walks in with an itty, bitty, waist / and a round thing in your
face you get...(Emma laughs) Oh my God, Emma... you're laughing! Oh my God, you've never done that before, have you?
You never done that before... Daddy made you laugh, huh? Well, daddy and Sir Mix Alot... What? What? You... you wanna
hear some more? Uhm...(raps) My anaconda don't want none / unless you got buns hon... (Emma laughs again and Ross
looks worried) I'm a terrible father!
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey sits at a table and Chandler and Monica enter.]
Chandler: Hi!
Joey: Hey... hey listen... What do you guys know about investments?
Chandler: How come?
Joey: Well, I'm starting to make good money on the show and I'm thinking... I should probably do something with it.
Monica: What do you do with your money now?
Joey: Well, I just tape it to the back of my toilet tank. (realises that anyone could have overheard that) I didn't say that! It's
in a bank guarded by robots!
Chandler: Do you have any ideas?
Joey: Uh, yeah... This guy at work got me excited about going in on an emu farm. That'd be kinda cool huh? Pitchin' in on
the weekends, helping to plant the emus...
Monica: Joe... Emus are birds. You raise them for meat.
Joey: (laughs) Yeah! Right! (points at Monica) People eat birds... Bird meat... Now do they just fly into your mouth or you go
to... you go to a restaurant and you say: "Excuse me, I'll have a bucket of fried bird." (laughs again) Or... or maybe just a
wing or... (realises...)
Monica: Joey, I think you should consider something a little less risky. I mean, I think in this market, real estate is your best
investment.The Fed. just lowered the rates and the interest on your mortgage is totally deductible. (looks at Chandler)
That's right, I know some stuff!
Joey: Real estate, huh? Hmmm...
Monica: (very excited) Oh, and you know who's selling a great apartment? Richard!
Chandler: (imitating Monica) Oh, and you know whose knowledge of her ex-boyfriend is shocking? Monica!
Monica: My dad told me. They play golf together.
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Season 9
Chandler: Oh, well... Maybe I'll join them some time. I just hope the club doesn't slip out of my hand and beat the
moustache off his face.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Rachel and Monica are sitting at the dinner table and Phoebe enters, knocking
on the door.]
Phoebe: Hi!
Rachel and Monica: Hey!
Phoebe: Listen! You have to help me pick a dress 'cause I'm meeting Mike's parents tonight! (Rachel gasps)
Monica: Wow, the boyfriend's parents! That's a big step.
Phoebe: (sarcastically) Really? That hadn't occurred to me.
Monica: They just gonna love you, just be yourself.
Phoebe: They live on the upper east side on Park Avenue!
Rachel: Oh yeah, she can't be herself.
Phoebe: Okay, so... allright... Which dress? (she holds up two 'Phoebe' dresses, Rachel and Monica look at them... taking
their time, don't wanting to hurt Phoebe) You can say "neither".
Rachel and Monica: Oh God, neither!
Monica: I'm sorry honey, but we're gonna take you shopping. It's gonna be fine.
Rachel: Yeah, totally! You are in such good hands. And I'm so good with meeting parents. With the father, you know, you
want to flirt a little bit, but not in a gross way. Just kind of like: "Oh mr. Pincer, I can see where Wallis gets his good looks..."
Monica: You went out with Wallis Pincer?
Rachel: Uh, he took the SAT's for me.
Monica: I knew you didn't get a 1400!
Rachel: Ssshyeah, well, duh! I mean...
Phoebe: So... now... What about with Mike's mom?
Rachel: Oh, with the mother, just... just constantly tell her how amazing her son is. Take it from me, moms love me. Ross's
mom one time actually said I'm like the daughter that she never had.
Monica: (Monica looks at Rachel in disbelief) She said WHAT?
Phoebe: (speaking louder and articulating) That's she's like the daughter she never had. (Phoebe points at her ears) Listen!
(Monica looks at Phoebe in a duh! way)
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel enters the apartment.]
Rachel: Hi.
Ross: Hi.
Rachel: I just finished getting Phoebe all dressed to meet Mike's parents. She's so nervous, it's so sweet!
Ross: Guess what? I made Emma laugh today.
Rachel: (in disbelief) You WHAT? And I missed it? Because I was giving a makeover to that stupid hippie?
Ross: Yeah, and it was uhm... it was like a real little person laugh too. It was... it was like uhm... (Ross tries to impersonate
Emma's laugh, but it comes out very squeaky, very high pitched. He laughs about himself but then looks at Rachel, realises
that it sounded weird and straightens his face.) Only... only not creepy.
Rachel: Well... well, what did you do to make her laugh? (excited)
Ross: I uhm... Well, I sang... (Rachel gasps) well actually I rapped... Baby Got Back... (Rachel's face changes from excited to
angry)
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Season 9
Rachel: You WHAT? You sang... to our baby daughter... a song about a guy who likes to have sex with women with giant
asses?
Ross: But you know what, if you think about it, it actually promotes a healthy uhm... body image... because... even big butts
or uhm... juicy doubles.
Rachel: (disgusted) owwwww...
Ross: Please don't take her away from me!
[Scene: Richard's apartment. There's a knock on the door.The listing agent opens the door for Chandler and Joey.]
Catherine: Oh hi, come on in. I'm Catherine, the listing agent.
Joey: Hi I'm Joey. This is Chandler.
Chandler: So how come Richard's selling the place? Went bankrupt? Medical malpractice? Choked on his own moustache?
Catherine: Actually, he is buying a much bigger place. It's got a great view of Central Pa.....
Chandler: mmm That's enough about you!
Joey: Is there anything we should know about the apartment?
Catherine: All the appliances are included. There is a lot of light, a new kitchen... I think you guys would be very happy
here... (Joey and Chandler both realise what she's assuming and start laughing.)
Chandler: No, no, no, no, no, NO! No, no... we're not together. We're not a couple. We're definately not a couple.
Catherine: Oh... Okay, sorry!
Joey: Well, you seem pretty insulted by that. What? I'm not good enough for you?
Chandler: We're not gonna have this conversation again... Look at this place. Why am I so intimidated by this guy?
Pretentious art, this huge macho couch. When we know all he does is sit around all day crying about losing Monica to a real
man! (laughs) You don't think he's here, do you? (Joey looks around)
Joey: You know what it is? It's a nice place but I gotta see I don't know if I see myself living here. Oh, oh, oh, let me see...
(Joey sits down on the couch, mimes opening a can and puts his hand down his pants) Yeah, I could see it.
Chandler: (Chandler looks around the place and his eye gets caught by Richard's video collection) Look at these videos. You
know, I mean, who does he think he is? Magnum Force, Dirty Harry, Cool Hand Luke... Oh my God!
Joey: What?
Chandler: There's a tape here with Monica's name on it.
Joey: Ooh! A tape with a girls name on it. It's probably a sex tape... (realises) Wait a minute... This says Monica... (looks
around) And this is Richard's apartment... (realises some more)
Chandler: Get there faster! (Joey gasps and finally understands...)
[Scene: Mike's parents building. Phoebe gets out of the classy elevator, looking all dressed up like an older woman, and very
un-Phoebe. She walks to the door and rings the doorbell.]
Mike: Wow! You look like... like my mom.
Phoebe: I'm wearing pantyhose!
Mike: Great! Come on in! (Mike kisses her on the cheek. A butler walks in and takes Phoebe's coat.)
Phoebe: Oh, thank you! Oh... Oh my God, you're RICH!
Mike: No, my parents are rich.
Phoebe: Yeah, so... They gotta die someday. (Mike's parents walk in) HELLO!
Mike: Mom, dad, this is Phoebe. Phoebe, these are my parents: Theodore and Bitsy.
Phoebe: (in a very posh accent) Theodore... Bitsy... What a delight!
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Phoebe: Yes... I'm sorry, I've never met a boyfriends parents before...
Mike: But, I mean, you have met... humans before, right? Look, why don't you go talk to my mom?
Phoebe: Yeah okay... yeah, your mom... okay... She looks nice, I can talk to her.
Mike: Yeah, you do that, and I go check my dad for signs of internal bleeding. (Mike walks away and Bitsy walks in the same
direction.)
Phoebe: Yeah... Oh Bitsy, hi. Uhm... listen I just wanted to thank you again for having me here tonight.
Bitsy: Well, not at all...
Phoebe: Also uhm... I just want you to know what a wonderful man your son is.
Bitsy: Thank you, I think so too.
Phoebe: Well, and you know, it really is a testament to how he was raised. Especially to you. Because he's very respectful of
women.
Bitsy: Is he really?
Phoebe: Are you kidding. He is so considerate of my feelings and... you know I think... you'd also like to know that he is a
very gentle lover.
Bitsy: E-e-excuse me?
Phoebe: (Mike now enters and stands behind Phoebe) Oh no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't get me wrong. No, he's not in like a
sissy way. No, no, no... when he gets going, he can rattle a headboard like a sailor on leave...
Bitsy: That's... my boy. (Bitsy walks away)
Mike: Awesome!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Only Chandler is there with the videotape in his hands, standing in front of the
TV set.]
Chandler: I'm not gonna watch it... I don't NEED to watch it... I mean, what good could possibly come from watching?
(sighs) Well, we know I'm gonna watch it. (Chandler moves to put the tape in the VCR and Joey enters the apartment)
Joey: Hey dude, what's up?
Chandler: Don't judge me, I'm only human!
Joey: Did you take that tape?
Chandler: I had to! Okay, imagine you were married... and you found a tape of your wife in another guys' apartment...
Wouldn't you need to know what was on it?
Joey: I don't know. Who'm I'm married to?
Chandler: Some girl...!?
Joey: She hot?
Chandler: Yeah...!?
Joey: How did she get me to settle down?
Chandler: Allright, I'm gonna watch it... I mean look, it's probably not even what I think it is... And even if it is... It can't
possibly be as bad as what I'm picturing in my head... (laughs nervously) Can it?
Joey: Guess I don't know. My experience: if a girl says yes to being taped... She doesn't say no to much else, I tell ya...
Chandler: Then you're gonna have to watch it for me.
Joey: (backs off) What? Whoo... What?
Chandler: Just for a few seconds, so I can know what it is... Please?
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Joey: All right, fine... But if I enjoy this, you have only yourself to blame... (Chandler turns his back to the TV. Joey puts the
tape in the VCR, switches it on and watches what's on the tape... It's clearly a american football match, with the referee's
whistle blowing, the crowds cheering...)
Chandler: Why am I hearing cheering?
Joey: Well it's okay, its like... its just a football game.
Chandler: Football? Just football?
Joey: Yeah, see... you were all worried for nothing.
Chandler: It's football... It's just football... This is great! This is the first time I've ever enjoyed football... It may be customary
to get a beer... (Chandler walks to the fridge, his back turned to the TV and a moaning sound replaces the cheering of the
crowd... Joey's eyes double in size...) What the... (Chandler turns around, but Joey already took a sprint for Chandler, jumps,
and floors Chandler in the open space in front of the apartment door...) What are you doing?
Joey: You don't wanna see what I just saw! (at this moment Monica comes home, and sees Chandler flat on his back on the
floor and Joey pinning him down)
Monica: What are you guys doing? (Monica hears the moaning coming from the TV and looks at it) Oh my God, is that
Richard? (It only takes a split second for Joey to realise, he pulls Monica down by her jacket, and she falls, face down next to
Chandler. Chandler gets up a bit, and Joey quickly covers Chandler's eyes with his hand.)
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Emma is sitting in her chair on the apothecary table and Rachel is trying to make her
laugh.]
Rachel: Okay... aahhh... Please laugh for mommy... Please? Please laugh for mommy... (Rachel makes a funny face, sticking
her tongue out, making a farting noise and using her hands as antlers, wiggling her fingers... No response from Emma...) Not
funny huh? Oh so, is it... only offensive novelty rap? Or maybe just, you know, rap in general? 'Cause mommy can rap...
(Rachel tries to rap and makes weird movements with her arms in the process.) My name is mommy and I'm here to say /
that all the babies are... Oh, I can't rap... Allright sweetheart... This is only because I love you so much, and I know that
you're not gonna tell anybody... (Rachel's face is telling "Oh what am I doing? The things I have to go through... and she
starts to rap) I like... big butts and I cannot lie... / You other brothers can't deny... / when a girl walks in with an itty bitty
waist and a round thing in your face... (Emma starts to laugh) Yes! Yes! Yes! YES! Oohhhhh! Oh! (Rachel now really gets into
it, and her insecure movements start getting better) I like big butts and I cannot lie... / You other brothers can't deny... Oh
Emma you're laughing! Oh you are, you really do like big butts, don't you. Oh you beautiful little weirdo... (Rachel picks up
Emma and Ross now enters)
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: Oh you missed it. She was laughing. Oh it was amazing. It was amazing. It was the most beautiful, beautiful sound
that...
Ross: Oh I know, isn't it? Ooh... what'd you do to get her to laugh?
Rachel: Oh! You know, I just... couple of things I tried ... I just sang a little doo... Itsy Bitsy Spider...
Ross: You sang Baby Got Back didn't you?
Rachel: Nothing else worked. That girl is all about the ass...
[Scene: Mike's parents house, the dining room. Mike, Phoebe, Mike's parents and the Angles are there.]
Phoebe: ...and then it goes back to the chorus... Smelly cat, Sme-lly ca-t / I-t's not your fau-lt. And that's the end of the
song... I realise that you didn't ask to hear it, but uhm... no-one had spoken in seventeen minutes.
Mike: Phoebe writes lots of great songs. Wha... What was that one you sang the other night that everybody just loved?
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[Scene: Mike's parents house. Dining room again. Both Mike and Phoebe are not at the table, but the others still are.]
Theodore: I can't imagine what he sees in her.
Bitsy: She actually makes me miss that pill-popping ex-wife of his. (Mike walks in) Oh, hello dear...
Mike: Hey, what's going on?
Bitsy: We were just chit-chatting. How's your friend?
Mike: A little better.
Bitsy: By the way, do you know who's moving back into town? Tom and Sue's daughter Jen.
Theodore: You remember her Michael, she's lovely and... well behaved and... single.
Mike: I'm not interested.
Bitsy: Oh, please darling, let's be honest. You can have all the... sailor fun you want with that one, but... let's be real...
Mike: All right, stop! You know, all Phoebe has done tonight is trying to get you to like her. And maybe that hasn't been
clear all the time, but she did her best. And yeah... She's a little different than you are...
Bitsy: Michael, a pimp spit in her mouth! (Phoebe almost enters the room, but she hears the discussion and waits and
evesdrops next to the door-opening.)
Mike: So what? I mean if even I can get past that, it shouldn't bother you. And you don't have to like her. You just have to
accept the fact that I do. I mean, if you even can't be civil to the woman I love...
Bitsy: The woman you what? (Phoebe overheard what Michael said and now enters the room)
Phoebe: Yeah... The woman you what?
Mike: The woman I love... (he walks to Phoebe) I love you... Which is probably something I shouldn't say for the first time in
front of my parents... and Tom and Sue...Who are by the way the most sinfully boring I've ever met in my life...
Phoebe: I love you too...
Mike: You do?
Phoebe: YEAH...! How great is this...? (they kiss)
Mike: Wanna get out of here?
Phoebe: Okay.
Mike: Mom, dad, thanks for dinner.
Phoebe: I had a great time. (accent) It was really top drawer. And here's something rich: thirteen bathrooms in this place... I
threw up in the coat closet... Ta taaa...
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's. Emma is in her bed and Ross and Rachel are rapping and dancing for her.]
Ross: She sweat, wet. got it going like a turbo 'vette.
Rachel: So fellas
Ross: Yeah!
Rachel: fellas
Ross: Yeah!
Rachel: has your girlfriend got the butt?
Ross: Hell yeah!
Rachel: So shake it! (Rachel slaps Ross's butt on the beat)
Ross: Shake it!
Rachel: Shake it! (Phoebe, Mike, Chandler, Monica and Joey step in)
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Monica: I know, after you left the store, I chose different ones.
Chandler: Why?
Monica: well no offense honey, but your taste is a little feminine for me.
Chandler: Oh suddenly, flowers are feminine?
< Phoebe comes in>
Phoebe: Hey, everybody. Happy Thanksgiving!
Joey: Hey happy Thanksgiving.. Pheebs! <motions her to come over>
Phoebe: Hey, what's going on Joe?
Joey: I.. I.. I need a good lie.
Phoebe: Oh okay. How about the whole "man walking on the moon" thing. You know? You. you could. You could see the
strings people!
Joey: No, no, no I need a good lie to explain why I wasn't at a work thing today.
Phoebe: Ooh, honey. You stink at lying.
Joey: I do not.
Phoebe: Oh really. Okay. let me ask you something. Yesterday at the coffee house, I went to the bathroom and when I
came back, my muffin was gone-who took it?
Joey: Somebody opened the door to the coffee house and a raccoon came running in, went straight for your muffin and I
said "Hey don't eat that-that's Phoebe's" and he said.. <pause> He said.. "Joey you stink at lying." What am I going to do?
Phoebe: Don't worry, don't worry. We'll come up with a good lie. I'll help you practice it.
Joey: Oh great, that'd be great. Thank you.
Phoebe: Sure, what.. what was the work thing?
Joey: Uh.. <forgetting what the work thing was, rolls up his sleeve on his right arm and shows Phoebe, she looks>
Phoebe: "Pick up grandma at the airport"?
Joey: Oh.. man..
Ross and Rachel's Apartment.
Amy with straight hair: Oh she's precious. Do you ever worry she's going to get your real nose?
Rachel: Amy! <pause> Yes I do.. I really do. <grabs Ross' hand for support>
<Amy's cell phone rings>
Amy: Hello? Yeah, um. Hang on one sec. <to Ross and Rachel> Can I take this upstairs?
Ross: Sure, we don't live there but...
Amy: Seriously? Its.. its just these rooms? <moves hands around motioning 'just these rooms'> <To Ross> I thought you
were a doctor.
Rachel: Yeah, no. Ross has a PhD.
Amy: Ew. <walks into Rachel's room, I'm guessing>
Rachel: God she is unbelievable.
Ross: I know, I mean a PhD is just as good as an MD.
Rachel: Oh sure Ross, yeah. If I have a heart attack in a restaurant, I want you there with your fossil brush.
Amy storms out: Stupid Thanksgiving.
Rachel: What? What happened?
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Amy: My boyfriend canceled on me. I mean.. I I finally find a real relationship. I mean, someone that I can spend this day
with and then his wife comes back into town. I swear, its almost not worth dating married guys.
Ross: Don't say that.
Amy: Oh. I was so looking forward to this. It was going to be such a beautiful Thanksgiving. We were going to have sushi.
Rachel: Oh Amy, don't cry Amy. Um.. Ross, could I talk to you in private?
Ross: Sure, you want to go upstairs?
<Ross and Rachel go in the kitchen>
Rachel: Um look I was thinking.. If its ok with Monica I would like to invite Amy to Thanksgiving.
Ross: You know, I think thats a great idea. It'll be like the pilgrims bringing the Indians syphilis.
Rachel: Look I know she's a little tough to take. She has no where else to go, and she's my sister. Alright, she's Emma's aunt.
And I would like them to bond.
Ross: Ok, fine, but I don't want them bonding to much. I don't want her telling Emma she needs a nose job.
Rachel: Ross, you know what? She may need one..We're just going to have to make our peace with that!
<Rachel grabs Ross' hand for support and starts to cry a little>
Monica and Chandler's apartment
Rachel opens their door: Hi.
Everyone there says: Hi, hey.
Rachel: Hey you guys, this is my sister Amy. This is Chandler, Joey, Phoebe and you know Mon.
Everyone: Hi.
Amy: Oh my god. You're on Days of Our Lives.
Joey laughs: Yeah.
Amy: wow. They must put a lot of makeup on you.
Joey looks rejected: Hap.. Hap.. Happy Thanksgiving.
<Joey turns away and Chandler reassuringly pats him on the back>
Ross to Monica: Hi.
Monica to Ross: Hi.
<they hug and kiss on check>
Monica to Emma: Hey you.
Monica to Amy: So. Welcome. Is this your first time you're seeing Emma?
Amy with confused look on face: Yeah I.. I think so. <sticks her hand out to shake hands with Phoebe and says to her> It's
nice to meet you Emma.
Phoebe shakes her hand and says: Phoe-Be.
Amy: Oh. That's a funny noise.
<Monica and Amy turn away and walk into the living room towards the secret closet>
Joey: Pheebs, I still need some help here
Phoebe: Oh right, ok um. Ok so its not just the lie you tell. but its the way you tell it. . For example if you look down at the
ground when you're talking, people know you're lying.
Joey: Oh.. I don't know why this is so hard for me. you know.. I mean lying is basically just acting and I am a terrfic actor.
Phoebe looks down: You are a terrific actor.
<Joey realizes what she's doing>
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Amy coming out of the bathroom: Hey. Hey where's the baby?
Rachel: Oh we just put her down for a nap.
Amy: Oh I was just thinking. You know what would be incredible? If you guys died.
Ross first has a look of 'huh' then changes it to sarcastic happy: Thank you Amy.
Amy: no, no, then I would get the baby. I mean you know it would be just like a movie. Like at first I wouldn't know what to
do with her, then I would rise to the occasion and and then I would get a makeover and then I'd get married.
Phoebe: Thats a great movie. <she claps>
<Joey nods in agreement>
Amy: Now listen, not that you guys could stop me or anything cause you know you'd be dead. I was thinking about
changing her name. I'm just not really a big fan of Emily. [Transcriber note: I'm surprised that Rachel and Ross didn't say
they weren't either here]
Ross: Emma.
Amy turns around to Phoebe: Emma, Ross wants you.
Phoebe: PHOE-BE.
Amy turns to Ross and Rachel: Why does she keep making that noise?
Rachel: Honey, I don't know how to tell you this, but um, if something were to happen to Ross or to myself <Ross and
Rachel knock on wood> um you wouldn't get the baby.
Amy: Well who would?
Ross: Well we haven't offically asked them yet, but we would want Monica and Chandler.
Chandler: I can't believe you'd want us to raise Emma.
Monica: yeah oh my god, I'm so moved.
Amy: I don't believe this, hold on a second. You guys die and I don't get your baby?
Rachel: See look Amy, we're a lot closer to Monica and Chandler. We see them every day. And truthfully honey, you don't
seem very connected to the baby.
Amy: Connected? I mean.. to what? She's.. she's a lump.
Chandler: You know, guys I got to say. This means so much to me. That you would trust me with your child. I mean, we all
know that Monica and I have been trying to have a baby of our own. You know I've had my doubts about my skills as a
father, but that you two.. that you two.... <starts to cry>
Amy: <points to Chandler> This guy? Seriously?
Later in the day.
Monica: Okay! It's time for dinner. Everyone we're using our fancy china.. um and its very expensive so please be careful.
Ross starts playing with a plate: Woah. Woah... <nearly really drops the plate and more seriously> Woah.
Monica: Okay, just to be clear comedy with the plates will not be well recieved. <pinches Ross' arm>
Ross makes some sort of sound to let us know it hurt.
Joey: Hey! How come my plate's less fancy then everyone else's? Do you not trust me with a fancy plate?
Monica: No, honey, its. thats a special plate. See its a game, whoever gets that plate wins.
Joey: I can't believe I won.
Amy: Its such a slap in the face. I'm your sister and you would give your baby to these strangers over me.
Rachel: Monica is Ross' sister.
Amy: No, Ross' sister was really fat.
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Amy walks over to the couch and sits down next to Rachel: Ucch. <pauses> Uchh <louder this time> In case you hadn't
noticed, I'm not talking to you.
Rachel: UCHH! <much louder and longer then Amy's>
Amy: You know.. this.. this is classic Rachel.
Rachel: Yeah.. yeah right.. Remember in high school when I died and didn't give you my baby?
Amy: This might be my one chance to have a baby Rachel. I mean, you know that I have been so busy focusing on my carrer.
Rachel: What? What carrer?
Amy: Um.. I'm a decorator.
Rachel: Ok. You decorate dad's office and so now you're a decorator. Okay! I went to the zoo yesterday and now I'm a koala
bear.
Amy: Why can't you ever be supportive?
Rachel: Sup.. You want to talk supportive? You didn't even come and visit me when I was in the hospital having the baby.
Amy: Oh. Yeah. Well.. You didn't come see me when I was in the hospital when I was getting my lips done.
Rachel: I did the first time! Oh. Oh.. <gets up and walks into the kitchen> And you know what. You want to know why I'm
not giving Emily to you.
Ross: Emma.
Rachel turns to Ross: Oh whose side are you on? <back to Amy> I'm not giving you Emma because there is no way you
could handle the responibility of a child.
Amy: How hard could it be? You do it.
Joey: ooh oooh..
Amy: Do you want to know why you don't want me to have the baby?
Rachel: uh huh.
Amy: Because you don't want me to be happy. You.. you have always been jealous of me.
Rachel: Jealous of what? Of your lack of responsiblity? You, your immaturity? Your total disregard of other people's
feelings?
Amy: Uh.. To name a few. You know.. You know.. You've just always been like this. You just have to have everything. And I
couldn't have anything. Like in junior high, when you stole Timmy from me. I mean, do you even realize how much that hurt
me?
Rachel: Timmy was my boyfriend and you made out with him!
Amy: Oh come on, that was 20 years ago. Get over it.
Rachel: I cannot, I cannot believe that I invited you here today.
Amy: Yeah, well you know what I cannot believe. That my so-called sister, gets a 30% discount from Ralph Lauren and I still
have to pay retail.
Rachel: ah ha ha. ah ha ha. <evil meancing laughter> It's forty five.
Amy: You bitch. You just think you're so perfect. With your new baby and your, your small apartment. <directs this to Ross
who in turns throws the towel in his hand down on the table> Well let me tell you something. Your baby isn't even that cute.
<everyone sucks their breath in, in shock>
Ross walks over: Too far, Amy. Too far.
Rachel: You take that back.
Amy: No.
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Monica starts crying: Thank you. It was so beautiful. <gets up and walks towards the front door> I'm going to go to Joeys
and get the pies.
Joey: Actually its not pies, its just pie.
Monica: I don't care. <pauses and realizes...> Oh my god. I've lost the will to scold.
Rachel: Look Amy, it got a little of control..Um.. and I'm sorry. You're my sister and uh.. if it really means that much to you..
Amy: So you're going to give me the baby?
Rachel: Uh. No.. I was going to let you use my Ralph Lauren discount.
Amy starting to cry: You are not going to regret this.
<they hug and Rachel has this disgusted look on her face and then Emma starts crying>
Rachel: She needs changing.
Chandler: Oh no no no.. I'll get her. I'm super-compentent and totally responsibile and fourth in line to raise Emma. I'll be
right there Emma. Just let me get my trusty diaper bag here. <knocks over the box of china> Well.. what do you know? I
guess, I'll be the one who dies first.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Chandler is packing the broken china in its box. He's taping up the top of box so thoroughly, there isn't an inch of
cardboard which isn't covered in tape. He is struggling with the tape dispenser.]
Phoebe: Hey, does Monica know about her broken plates yet?
Chandler: Nope...
Phoebe: Broke them all, huh?
Chandler: Yep...
Phoebe: You gonna tell her?
Chandler: Nope... (Monica walks in) Hey... so I'm gonna... put the plates back. You know, I think you were right, I don't think
we should use these plates again for a looong time.
Monica: Like only if the queen comes?
Chandler: Maybe not even then. (Joey walks in)
Joey: Hey! I did it. I called my producer. I told him I had a family emergency, he totally bought it. Thanks for teaching me
how to lie Pheebs.
Phoebe: No problem! Next week: stealing... (Chandler walks away to store the box of broken china.)
Monica: Bye plates!
Joey: Oh, you told her you broke all the plates, huh? (Chandler walks back, looking angrily at Joey)
Monica: What? Something happened with the plates?
Joey: Uhm... (looks down) Yeah... this uhm... raccoon came in...
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ROSS: Well, well, they're good. It's been a while since I've seen you like this. You, you clean up good.
RACHEL: Oh well, well thank you. (She laughs. He stares for a moment.) Okay, stop. Stop looking at me like that. The
last time that happened, (points to Ross) that happened. (points to Emma.)
ROSS: Oh right, right. (They pause and exchange a glance. Then, Ross looks away.) So, are you . . . ah . . . you excited
about your, your first night away from Emma?
RACHEL: Yeah, yeah. Phoebe and I are going to have so much fun. And thank you for watching the baby, by the way.
ROSS: Oh, it's fine. Actually, I, I invited Mike over.
RACHEL: Phoebe's Mike?
ROSS: Yeah.
RACHEL: I didn't know you guys hung out.
ROSS: We don't. But I thought it would be nice to get to know him. You know, maybe have a little dinner, drinks,
conversation.
RACHEL: Oh that's so cute: Ross and Mike's first date. Is that going to be awkward? I mean, what are you guys going to
talk about?
ROSS: I don't know. But, you know, we, we have a lot in common, you know. He plays piano; I played keyboards in
college. He's been divorced; I have some experience in that area.
(Rachel nods. There is a knock on the door.)
RACHEL: Yeah.
(Phoebe and Mike enter.)
PHOEBE: Hi
RACHEL: Hey.
PHOEBE: (spotting Rachel's dress) Oooh. Girl's night out indeed.
RACHEL: (to Ross) Ok. So now, I think Emma is probably down for the night, but if you need anything Ross . . .
ROSS: Rach, Rach, we'll be fine, all right? You go have fun.
RACHEL: Okay. You too. And I hope you score. (to Mike) Bye.
MIKE: Bye.
ROSS: So . . . Welcome.
MIKE: (Holds up a six pack of Foster's Lager) I got beer.
ROSS: I got bottled breast milk.
MIKE: Eh, why don't we start with the beer?
ROSS: Okay. (They sit.) So, um, Phoebe tells me you, ah, you play piano.
MIKE: Yeah.
ROSS: You know, I, I used to, ah, play keyboards in college.
MIKE: Ah? (pause) Do you have one here?
ROSS: No.
MIKE: Okay. (pause)
(They clink beer bottles, and drink. Then, they stare uncomfortably at their bottles.)
ROSS: Um . . . ah . . . you know, I'm divorced. Um, Phoebe, ah . . . Phoebe said you . . . You've been divorced?
MIKE: Yeah. (pause) Yeah, I'm sorry. I don't . . . I don't really like to talk about it.
ROSS: (pause) That's okay. We'll talk about (pause) something else. (They pause. They drink.)
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CHANDLER: Yah.
(Chandler's cell phone rings. He looks at it.)
CHANDLER: It's Joey. (He answers it, holding it out so that Monica can hear too.) Hey Joe.
JOEY: Dude, come home!
CHANDLER: What? Why?
JOEY: COME . . . HOME.
CHANDLER: Look I, I can't. What's going on?
JOEY: I don't know how to tell you this but, uh . . . I think Monica's cheatin' on ya. I told you shouldn't have married
someone so much hotter than you.
(Chandler and Monica look at each other. Chandler nods.)
JOEY: All right look. (He walks to the hallway.) If you can't come home and deal with this, then I'm gonna.
CHANDLER: NO!
JOEY: (outside the apartment door) I just heard him!
CHANDLER: (softly) Can you . . . hear him . . . now?
JOEY: (listens at the door.) No. (pause) All right, I'm going in.
CHANDLER: No! Wait!
JOEY: I heard him again!
CHANDLER: (writhes as if in agony) All right, look. Just stay there. I'm coming home.
JOEY: Okay. Great. I'll see you when you get here. I'm gonna wait out in the hall in case the dude comes out.
CHANDLER: Is that really necessary?
JOEY: Absolutely. You'd do it for me. Not that you ever have to because I know how to keep my women satisfied.
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Mike is blowing a note from his beer bottle. Ross stares off to the side.)
ROSS: Shouldn't the pizza be here by now? I mean, they said thirty minutes or less. Well, how long has it been?
MIKE: (looking at his watch) Eleven minutes. (long pause) And now twelve. So, do you like the beer?
ROSS: I do. I do. Although, it's actually a lager.
MIKE: huh. (pause) What's the difference between beer and lager?
ROSS: I don't know. We could look it up.
MIKE: (nods) Things are about to get wild.
[Scene: A bar. Rachel and Phoebe are bringing their drinks from the bar to a sofa.]
PHOEBE: Oh God. Remember the girls' nights we used to have sitting around talking about you and Ross?
RACHEL: Oh God. It seems like forever ago.
PHOEBE: I know. (sighs) So, what's going on with you and Ross?
RACHEL: Well, um . . . I don't know. I mean, for a long time nothing. But you know, actually right before you picked me up,
Ross and I had a . . . ah . . . little thing.
PHOEBE: Oh my God! I love things. What happened?
RACHEL: Well, um, first he told me he liked how I looked. And, ah, then we had a little . . . um . . . eye-contact.
PHOEBE: Eye-contact?
RACHEL: Mm-hmm.
PHOEBE: I hope you were using protection.
WAITER: (with tray and two drinks) Excuse me. Um, these are from the two gentlemen at the end of the bar.
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PHOEBE: (Reading the card.) Oh my God, you're giving your real number.
BILL: Okay, thanks. I'll give you a call later tonight.
RACHEL: Great.
BILL: Bye
PHOEBE: Bye. (The guys leave.) Wow. So, that's great. You, Bill, Ross, and Emma are going to be so happy together. What
were you thinking?
RACHEL: I don't know. He was cute, and he liked me. It was an impulse.
PHOEBE: What about Ross? What about your moment? Don't you want to talk to Ross about it?
RACHEL: No. No, because I know exactly how the conversation's gonna go. "Hey Ross, you know, I think we had a
moment before."
RACHEL: (lowers voice to imitate Ross) "Yeah." (Clears throat.) "Me too."
RACHEL: (as herself) "Well, but I'm not sure I really want to do anything about it."
RACHEL: (as Ross) "Yeah." (Clears throat twice.) "Me neither." (Clears throat again.)
RACHEL: (as herself) "Well, should we just continue to live together and not really tell each other how we're really feeling?"
RACHEL: (as Ross) "Yeah. That works for me." (Clears throat twice more.)
PHOEBE: Yeah, I see what you mean. By the way, nice Ross imitation.
RACHEL: Oh, thanks.
PHOEBE: But, your Rachel wasn't whiny enough.
RACHEL: (whining) Wha. . . hey!
PHOEBE: (pointing) Better!
RACHEL: Well, the point is, maybe I should just stop waiting around for moments with Ross, you know? I should just . . .
move on with my life.
PHOEBE: Really? You're moving on from Ross?
RACHEL: I don't know. Do I have to decide right now?
PHOEBE: Well, you kind of just did. That guy is going to call you tonight. Ross is going to pick up the phone and that's a
pretty clear message.
RACHEL: Oh God, Ross. Ross is going to pick up the phone. Oh, I have to get my number back. (She turns to find Bill, but
they have gone.) Oh my God. He's gone.
PHOEBE: (imitating Rachel) "Oh, I have to get my number back. Oh my God. He's gone." (smiles) Dead on.
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross and Mike are sitting on the sofa. Ross is fidgeting with the cuff of his sweater
while Mike blows his cheeks out. Ross blows a piece of fuzz from his finger.)
MIKE: (releases a whoosh of air) Ya know, I'm going to take off.
ROSS: So soon?
MIKE: Well, yeah.
ROSS: Okay. Well, thanks, ah, thanks for the beer.
MIKE: Ah, you mean lager.
ROSS: Ah yeah. Good times.
(Mike leaves. Ross closes the door behind him.)
MIKE: (In the hall, relieved) Oh.
(Ross, inside the door, releases a sign of relief. Back in the hall, Mike's cell phone rings.)
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MIKE: Hello?
PHOEBE: (calling from the bar on her cell phone.) Hey, Mike, it's me. Listen, is um, is Ross near you?
MIKE: Uh, no. I just left.
PHOEBE: Well, you have to go back in.
MIKE: Wha . . .? Go back? To the "land where time stands still"?
PHOEBE: I'm so sorry honey, but, okay, Rachel gave this guy her number and, um, she doesn't want Ross to answer the
phone. So, you have to intercept all his calls.
MIKE: I can't do that!
PHOEBE: (to Rachel) He says he can't do that.
RACHEL: Oh give me , , , (Phoebe gives Rachel the phone.) Hi, Mike? Hi. Listen. I know this is a lot to ask, but you
know what? If you do this I . . . Phoebe will . . . do anything you want. Seriously, I'm talking dirty stuff.
PHOEBE: All right. (She takes the phone from Rachel.) Hello? Hi. I'm sorry about her, but she wasn't wrong about the
dirty stuff.
MIKE: All right. I'll do it. (Phoebe gives the thumbs-up sign to Rachel.) But really, how much dirtier can it get?
PHOEBE: (knowingly chuckles) Oh, Mike. Bye.
(Mike knocks on Ross's door. Ross opens it.)
MIKE: Hey buddy.
ROSS: Uh, hi.
MIKE: Um, can I come back in?
ROSS: (putting his arm up with his hand on the door frame.) Why? (He starts to lower his arm.)
MIKE: (Entering the apartment) I, I was just thinking about how much more we have to talk about.
ROSS: (whining) But you left.
[Scene: The hallway and stairs outside Chandler and Monica's apartment. Chandler enters from the stairs. Joey is sitting
with a baseball bat.]
JOEY: Wow! That didn't take long. I thought you said Tulsa was, like a three hour flight.
CHANDLER: (pause) Well, you're forgetting about the time difference.
(Joey thinks a moment. Then, he nods. Joey follows Chandler into the apartment.)
MONICA: (gasp) Chandler! You're home!
CHANDLER: That's right. You're husband's home. So, now the sex can stop.
(Joey gives him and odd look. Monica gives a similar look.)
MONICA: What are you saying?
CHANDLER: Joey said that you're in here with another man.
MONICA: There's no man in here. How dare you accuse me of that. (She slaps Chandler.)
JOEY: All right. All right. Then, maybe you won't mind if me and my friend take a look around, huh? (He checks the
bathroom shaking the bat. Then he proceeds to their bedroom.) Bwa-ah-ah!
(Thudding sounds can be heard from the bedroom.)
CHANDLER: (To Monica) What is he doing?
MONICA: (smiling) I arranged some pillows on the bed to look like a guy.
JOEY: (emerging) Bedroom is clear, although you might need some new pillows.
CHANDLER: All right. Well, I'll check the guest room.
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JOEY: (sniffing the air and then Monica.) Why do I smell men's cologne?
MONICA: (sniffing Joey) I think that's you.
JOEY: (sniffs his shirt.) Oh yeah. I rubbed a magazine on myself earlier.
CHANDLER: There's nobody here Joe.
JOEY: I guess not.
MONICA: I can't believe you thought I was cheating. (pointing at Joey) You own me an apology.
JOEY: Yeah, right Monica. I'm so sorry.
MONICA: (suddenly starts issuing him out) Ah, it's an honest mistake. It could happen to anyone. All right, see ya.
JOEY: (spots the suitcase just inside the door where Chandler left it) Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. If you
just got back from Tulsa, how did your suitcase beat you here?
CHANDLER: (thinks, then turns to Monica) I climb down the fire escape and you can't put that in the closet?
[Scene: Ross and Rachel's apartment. Mike is reading from a book.]
MIKE: So, except for the fermentation process, beer and ale are basically the same thing. Fascinating isn't it.
ROSS: Maybe you should look up "fascinating."
(Phone rings.)
MIKE: I'll get it. (He lunges across Ross's lap on the sofa to reach the phone. Ross stares at him with wide
eyes.) Hello? Ross's place. Mike speaking. (pause. Hands phone to Ross) It's for you.
ROSS: (takes the phone, but speaks to Mike) I don't understand what just happened here.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment " continuing action.]
JOEY: What's going on?
CHANDLER: I'm sorry. I, I told you I was in Tulsa because I wanted to spend the night with Monica and I, I didn't know . . . I
didn't think you'd understand.
JOEY: What? You think I'm too dumb to understand that a husband needs to be with his wife? Huh? Do you think I'm like,
"Duh." (He strikes himself in the head with the bat. He stands dazed for a moment.)
MONICA: Joey?
JOEY: Yeah? (His eyes bug out.)
MONICA: I don't know what to say. We shouldn't have lied to you.
CHANDLER: Yeah. I feel so bad. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?
JOEY: (pause) Yeah, you could go to the game with me, ah, even though I know you said you couldn't. But then you lied to
me and tricked me and gave me a bump on the head.
CHANDLER: I'm sorry. That's the one thing I can't do. I promised I'd be with Monica.
JOEY: All right.
MONICA: (taps chandler on the arm) You can go.
CHANDLER: What?
MONICA: You should go to the game. It's okay. I want you to.
CHANDLER: Really? You're gonna be okay?
MONICA: Yeah, I'll be fine. You know, maybe I'll stay here and practice the art of seduction.
CHANDLER: You're gonna put on sweats and clean, aren't you?
MONICA: It's gonna be so hot! (She kisses him.)
CHANDLER: Okay, bye.
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[Scene: Monica and Chandler's Apartment, everyone's there; Phoebe recites the last verse of a poem to Joey. This poem is
known as "The Night Before Christmas" by Clement Clarke Moore, but it seems that it's rather "Account of a visit from St.
Nicholas" by Henry Livingston.]
Phoebe: ...sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle;
and away they all flew like the down of a thistle;
but I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!"
Joey: (impressed) Wow, that was great! You really wrote that?
Phoebe: (smiling) Uh-huh.
Chandler: (coming from the bedroom) Say goodbye elves, I'm off to Tulsa.
Monica: I can't believe you're not gonna be here for Christmas.
Ross: You're really not coming back?
Chandler: Yeah, we have all this paperwork that needs to be filed by the end of the year. If I don't get it done, I'll be fired.
Monica: It's so unfair, you don't even like your job!
Chandler: So, who does?
Phoebe: Oh, I like my job.
Joey: I *love* my job.
Rachel: Yeah, I can't *wait* to go back to work.
Ross: I can't get *enough* dinosaurs!
Chandler: I'm sorry, I won't be here.
Monica: It's just... It's hard enough not seeing you during the week, but for Christmas... alright, if this is what you have to do,
I understand.
Chandler: Thanks. (they kiss) I'll see you New Year's Day.
Monica: (shocked) You're not gonna be here New Year's Eve??
Chandler: Did I not mention that?
Monica: No!
Chandler: (thinks for a second, then waves his arms, exclaiming:) AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT! (and runs out of the
apartment)
*Opening Credits*
[Scene: Chandler's Office in Tulsa, in the conference room. Chandler's staff/co-workers are sitting round the table; Chandler
is walking around, when he notices a piece of paper attached to the back of his chair.]
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Chandler: All right everybody, I know that it's Christmas Eve and you'd rather be with your families, but there's *no* call (he
takes it off) for writing "Screw you, Mr. Bing!" on the back of my chair! (he looks at it) -- By the way, you can all call me
Chandler.
(Wendy enters the conference room, carrying a cardboard box.)
Wendy: Hey!
Others: Hey.
Chandler: Hey. Where've you been?
Wendy: I was, uh, checking out that insurance company's Christmas party on three, oh, it was really beautiful, they have all
these decorations and this huge tree and I just, uh... to hell with them, we have to work. -- So I stole ther ham. (She turns
the cardboard box upside down over the conference table, a big piece of ham falls out.)
Chandler: (to the others) You hear that? You may not be with your families, but at least it's gonna smell like ham in here.
Claudia: My kid's in a play right now.
Chandler: Y'know what, I know what will cheer you guys up! (he starts spreading envelopes among them) I had a little talk
with the boys in New York, told 'em about all the hard work you've been doing and that a little Christmas bonus may be in
order.
Ken: (reading off his card) "A donation has been made in your name to the New York City Ballet".
Chandler: Well, that's like money in your pocket! - Alright look, you want me to say it? This sucks. Being here sucks! This
work sucks!
Wendy: *Now* it feels like Christmas.
Chandler: I'm sorry. Hey, at least you guys get to go home and be with your families tonight. I have to go back to an empty
hotel room and lay down on a very questionable bedspread. And then tomorrow morning, you get to have Christmas
morning in your own houses, wich, by the way, none of you have invited me to.
Ken: You can come to my house!
Chandler: Haha, no thanks!
Wendy: That was a nice pep-talk.
Chandler: Oh, thanks! I'm... actually thinking about becoming a motivational speaker.
Wendy: So, if you were home right now, what would you be doing?
Chandler: Typical Christmas-y stuff, you know? Our holidays are pretty traditional...
[Flashback to 410 - TOW The Girl From Poughkeepsie]
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is singing her holiday song.]
Phoebe: So here is a, a very special holiday song that I wrote for some very important people to me. (singing:)
"Went to the store, sat on Santa's lap.
Asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap.
Said all you need is to write them a song.
Now, you haven't heard it yet, so don't try to sing along.
No, don't sing along.
Monica, Moncia, have a happy Hanukkah.
Saw Santa Claus, he said hello to Ross.
And please tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy!
And Rachel and Chandler, have err-umm-glander!!"
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Phoebe: Ahh, toilet seat covers! Is that what you were doing while I was getting gas?
Joey: Uh-huh.
Phoebe: You guuuyys.
Joey: And for Ross, Mr. Sweet-tooth.
Ross: You got me a cola drink?
Chandler: And, a lemon lime.
Ross: Well this, this is too much, I feel like I should get you another sweater.
Chandler: And last but not least.
(Chandler and Joey give Monica a pack of condoms.)
Joey: They're ribbed for *your* pleasure.
[Flashback to 710 - TOW The Holiday Armadillo]
[Scene: Monica, Chandler and Phoebe's, Ross is costumed as an Armadillo.]
Ross: Ooh, hey Ben, what if the Holiday Armadillo told you all about the Festival of Lights?
Ben: Cool!
Ross: Yeah!
Monica: Come on Ben.
(Monica and Ben sit down on the couch.)
Ross: Years and years ago there were these people called the Maccabees...
Chandler: (entering in a Santa costume) Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
Ben: Santa! (Runs to Chandler and hugs him)
Chandler: Hey! (Grunts as Ben hits him at full speed.)
Ross: What are you doing here, Santa?
Chandler: Well, I'm here to see my old buddy Ben. What are you doing here, weird...turtle-man?
Ross: I'm the Holiday Armadillo, your part-Jewish friend. You sent me here to give Ben some presents. Remember?
Chandler: What?
Monica: Okay Ben, why don't you come open some more presents, and Santa, the Armadillo and I have a little talk in the
kitchen? There's a sentence I'd never thought I'd say.
(They walk to the kitchen; everyone is lowering their voices)
Ross: (to Chandler) What are you doing?
Chandler: You called everyone and said you were having trouble finding a Santa costume, so I borrowed one from a guy at
work!
Ross: Thank you, but, but you, you gotta leave.
Chandler: Why?
Ross: Because, I'm finally getting him excited about Hanukkah, and, and you're-you're wrecking it.
Chandler: But I didn't get to shake my belly like a bowl full of jelly.
Ross: I'm sorry Chandler, but this, this is really important to me.
Chandler: Fine, I'll give the suit back.
(Ross turns around and walks back to Ben.)
Monica: (to Chandler) Hey, you think, you can keep it another night? (She has a really teasing look on her face and keeps
twirling Chandler's beard.)
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your ass. Look, you're a really nice person... ham stealing and adultery aside. But, what I have with my wife is pretty great,
so nothing is ever gonna happen between us.
Wendy: Okay, let me ask you something: if what you and your wife have is so great, then why are you spending Christmas
with me?
(Chandler starts to think about it...)
[Flashback to 716 - TOW The Truth About London]
[Scene: London, Chandler's hotel room. He was getting ready for bed when Monica pays him a visit and they started talking]
Chandler: I mean, you were the most beautiful woman in the room tonight!
Monica: Really?
Chandler: You kidding? You're the most beautiful woman in most rooms... (She jumps up and kisses him.) (Breaking the
kiss.) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What's going on? You and I just made out! You and I are making out?
Monica: Well, not anymore.
Chandler: But we don't do that.
Monica: I know, I just thought it would be fun.
Chandler: How drunk are you?
Monica: Drunk enough that I know I wanna do this. Not so drunk that you should feel guilty about taking advantage.
Chandler: (thinks) That's the perfect amount!
Monica: Okay!
(They run to the bed, sit down, and start making out again.)
Monica: (breaking the kiss) Y'know what's weird?
Chandler: What?
Monica: This doesn't feel weird!
Chandler: I know.
Monica: You're a really good kisser.
Chandler: Well, I have kissed over four women. (They kiss again.) Do you wanna get under the covers?
Monica: Hm-hmm!
Chandler: Okay!
(They do so and they take off their clothes.)
Monica: Wow! You are really fast!
Chandler: It bodes well for me that speed impresses you.
Monica: We're gonna see each other naked.
Chandler: Yep!
Monica: Do you wanna do it at the same time?
Chandler: Count of three?
Monica: One!
Chandler: Two!
Monica: Two!
Both: Three! (They lift up the covers and check each other out, then come back up with silly grins on their faces.)
Chandler: Well I think it's safe to say that our friendship is effectively ruined.
Monica: Eh, we weren't that close anyway!
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(Chandler looks at the bill, thinking... then looks at the offer in the Newspaper and makes some dancing moves to see if he's
up for the job...)
End
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Chandler: Hey!
Monica: Good morning, Tiger! I'm making you a nice big breakfast so you can keep up your strength for tonight. You're
gonna get me good and pregnant.
Chandler: I've got nowhere to go this morning. I'm unemployed! I don't know what I'm gonna do with my life.
Monica: Well, I just lost my erection.
Chandler: I mean, what am I supposed to do with myself?
Monica: You're supposed to find your passion in life. You can be whatever you wanna be now. It's exciting.
Chandler: But it's all so overwhelming. I don't know where to start.
Monica: Hey, wait a second. I can help you with this. You just need to be organized. We can make a list of your
qualifications, and categorize jobs by industry. There could be folders and files!
Chandler: Hey! This is where your hyper-organized-pain-in-the-ass stuff pays off!
Monica: I know!!! My erection is back!
[Opening credits]
Joey: (To Gunther who comes over with coffee and a muffin) Thank you!
Phoebe: Joey, can I have a sip of your coffee and a bite of your muffin?
Joey: Okay.
Phoebe Thank you. (Pours his coffee in a thermos and puts his muffin in her purse.) Thank you!
Joey:: Pheebs, have you ever been bitten by a hungry Italian?
Phoebe: I'm sorry, it's just, I'm a little short on cash.
Joey: If you want I could loan you some money?
Phoebe: Oh no, no, no. I learned never to borrow money from friends. No, that's why Richard Dreyfuss and I don't speak
anymore.
Joey: Oh, hey, how about this? Wanna be an extra on my show?
Phoebe: You could do that?
Joey: Yeah, yeah. The pay is pretty good and you could do it for as long as you need.
Phoebe: Oh my god, I'm gonna be on TV!
Joey: Okay, now. I gotta tell you, being on TV isn't as glamorous and exciting as you think.
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Monica: (Flipping through bunch of folders as Chandler enters from bathroom) Okay, I have looked through a bunch of
career guides, photocopied and highlighted key passages and put them into alphabetical folders so you can make an
informed decision.
Chandler: How long was I in there?
Monica: Okay. Let us start with the A's. Advertising.
Chandler: Wait. Advertising! That's a great idea!
Monica: Don't you want to look through the rest?
Chandler: I don't think I have to hear the rest. Advertising makes perfect sense. Sorry you had to waste all this time, though.
Monica: You call eight hours alone with my label maker wasted time? Ooh, now I get to use my shredder!
Chandler: I mean, I can write slogans. I mean, how hard can it be, right? "Cheese. It's milk that you chew." "Crackers.
Because your cheese needs a buddy." "A grape. Because who can get a water melon in your mouth?"
Monica: I got one. "Socks. Because your family's feet deserve the best."
Chandler: Honey? Leave it to the pros.
Monica: I actually know someone in advertising. I grew up with this guy who is a vice president at a big agency. Maybe I can
get him to meet you? Give me the phone.
Chandler: "The phone. Bringing you closer to people...who have phones."
Monica: "Marriage. It's not for everybody."
Rachel: That went well. Almost everybody knew that she was a girl.
Ross: Yeah, after you punched that one guy who got it wrong, word spread.
Rachel: I'm just gonna go in my office and pick up some stuff . (To the guy behind her desk) Who the hell are you!?
Guy: Who the hell are you?
Rachel: I'm the hell person whose office this is!
Ross: Good one, Rach.
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Guy: I'm Gavin Mitchell, the person who's taken over your job.
Rachel: Excuse me?
Gavin: Oh, your baby's so cute. Why did you put a pink bow on a boy?
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Rachel: Wait a minute! What do you mean, you're taking over my job?
Gavin: Well, while you were on your baby vacation I was doing your job.
Rachel: A vacation? My idea of a vacation does not involve something sucking on my nipples until they are raw.
Gavin: Clearly you've never been to Sandles Paradise Island.
Rachel: Alright! Don't get too comfortable there, because I'm back in two weeks! And I want everything back to the way it
was. I can't say that I care too much for the way you've rearranged my office.
Gavin: I can't say I care too much for that smell you've brought in with you.
Rachel: Excuse me?
Ross: Rach we have a code brown situation.
Rachel: Can you please, please take care of it for me?
Ross: Alright, but you have to do one sometime.
Rachel: Let me just get this straight! So I go have a baby and they send some guy in to do my job?
Gavin: Well, there was talk of shutting down Ralph Lauren all together.
Rachel: That's right. You're very cheeky for a temp.
Gavin: I'm not a temp. I was transferred here from another department.
Rachel: Oh yeah, what department was that? The Jerk department?
Gavin: Oh, they didn't tell me about your quick wit.
Rachel: Did they mention that I'm rubber and you're glue?
Mr. Zelner: (Enters) Gavin, Ralph loved your ideas.
Rachel: Oh, hi Mr. Zelner.
Mr. Zelner: Rachel, I see you've met Gavin. I must say, when you left us we weren't sure what we were gonna do. But then,
Gavin to the rescue. Super Gavin!
Rachel: That's great. So now, Super Gavin, when I come back where are you planning on flying off to?
Gavin: Well, that's up to Mr. Zelner. I'm sure he will make the right decision.
Rachel: (To herself) Oh, wow. Super ass-kissing power.
Mr. Zelner: Incidentally, when are you coming back?
Rachel: Today.
Gavin: You said two weeks.
Rachel: No, I said today! See, for a superhero, not so much with the listening.
Joey: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey. So, what did he say?
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Joey: Well, he can be a little rough around the edges, so I'm gonna replace a word he used a lot, with the word "puppy."
Okay, so he said: "If your puppy friend doesn't get her puppy act together, I'm gonna fire her mother-puppy ass."
Phoebe: I'm sorry, I can't do this. I'm not an actor.
Joey: That's right, you're not. You're a nurse. You're Nurse With Tray.
Phoebe: Joey.
Joey: No, no. Nurse With Tray doesn't know Joey, she doesn't have time for friends. She gets in that operating room and
she carries that tray to the doctor, because if she doesn't, people die!
Phoebe: Who dies?
Joey: (Points to man on operating table) Man With Eye Patch! You get in there and you do your job.
Phoebe: Yes, doctor.
Joey: Okay.
Director: Okay, let's try this one more time.
Phoebe: Hang in there, Man With Eye Patch, your tray is coming!
Director: And...Action!
Phoebe: (Does the scene) Yes, I did it!!! I nailed it!!! Yay! What's next?
Director: The rest of the scene.
Phoebe: Okay, from the top, people!
Rachel: Listen. Sudden change of plans. My maternity leave just ended. They told me that if I didn't come back today, they
were gonna fire me.
Ross: What? No, that's illegal. I'm gonna have the labor department down her so fast they won't even...
Rachel: Alright, alright. Calm down Norma Rae. They didn't actually say that. I'm just afraid if I don't come back right now
this guy's gonna try to squeeze me out.
Ross: What about Emma? We don't have a nanny.
Rachel: I know. You know, we're just gonna have to figure out a plan tonight. Can you please just take care of her for today?
Ross: Absolutely. Just give me your breast and we'll be on our way.
Rachel: Come on, I don't know what else to do.
Ross: Fine, fine. (To Emma) We'll have fun, won't we? Yes, we will, yes we will. (Gives her a kiss, and the pink bow tapes
itself to his head.)
Rachel: Ross?
Ross: Huh?
Rachel: You're pretty.
Chandler: Whatever I decide to do, I'm gonna be starting a career from scratch. It's gonna be a while before I make a living
at it. Maybe now is not the right time to be starting a family.
Ross: So you have to tell Monica you don't want to have a baby right now?
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Chandler: Yeah.
Ross: (Hugs Chandler) Good-bye.
Monica: (Enters) Okay, it's baby time. Pants off Bing. (Sees Ross) Didn't see you there Geller.
Chandler: Yeah, Ross is here so...
Ross: Yeah, and I was really hoping that I could hang out. What do you feel like doing?
Monica: We're gonna have sex.
Ross: I don't feel like having sex. Maybe we can watch a movie or something.
Monica: Let me put it this way. We're having sex whether you're here or not.
Ross: Pants off Bing!
Rachel: Alright. Now that I'm back, why don't you just fill me in on what you've been up to?
Gavin: Well, I've changed your screensaver from that picture of *Nsync.
Rachel: Hey, they were popular when I left!
Gavin: Also, I've just been working on this big presentation for tomorrow.
Rachel: Well, I should be involved in that, so why don't you get me up to speed?
Gavin: That's gonna take weeks. Why don't just let me take care of the presentation?
Rachel: Oh, no no no no. I see what you're doing here, alright, listen, this is my job buddy. Okay, I've had it for five years,
and I know how it works, so why don't you just catch me up!
Gavin: Fine.
Rachel: (Sits down in her chair) Oh god. You've totally messed with the back support of my chair. How do you fix this?
Gavin: Hey, you've been here five years, you figure it out.
Rachel: Fine, I will. (Pushes that button thing on the chair that makes it "collapse") Alright, fill me in!
Ross: Hey.
Chandler: Hey.
Ross: You have a blue tie that would go with this? Emma spit up on mine.
Chandler: Oh, yeah. But you have to give it back if I get a job. Of course, by that time in the future ties will be obsolete and
we'll all be wearing silver jump suits.
Monica: (Enters from the bedroom) Hi, good morning lover. I gotta say after last night, I'm a little weak in the knees.
Ross: Here's an idea. You walk into a room...take a quick scan!
Monica: (To Ross) Sorry. (To Chandler) But I kind of have this feeling that we may have made a baby last night.
Chandler: Oh god, I have to tell you something. You're not pregnant.
Monica: What are you talking about?
Chandler: That thing that I have to do to make a baby. I faked it.
Monica: What!? You faked it?
Ross: You know what? I don't need a tie. I mean, it's better, open collar. You know, it's more casual (He leaves.)
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Phoebe: Joey, listen. I can't do this, it doesn't make any sense. Yesterday I was a nurse, and today I'm a waitress at a cafe?
Joey: Oh, sometimes we use the same extras for different parts. It's okay.
Phoebe: Well, it's not okay, because I gave a very memorable performance as the nurse. And now suddenly I'm the
waitress? That's gonna confuse my fans.
Joey: Maybe you are a nurse, but you moonlight as a waitress.
Phoebe: Uhuh. Because I'm a single mother, supporting my two children.
Joey: Nice.
Phoebe: Wait a minute. Dr. Drake Ramoray and I work at the same hospital. Wouldn't I come over to say hi to him?
Joey: No, no. See, you and Drake are having a fight.
Phoebe: About what?
Joey: He slept with you and then never called you.
Phoebe: And I just wanted a new daddy for Davy and Becky.
Director: Okay, okay, from the top. And...Action!
Man: So, I'm surprised you agreed to have lunch with me.
Joey/Drake: I'm surprised to, but yet here I am.
(Phoebe walks by and slaps him.)
Director: Cut, cut! What are you doing!?
Phoebe: Yeah, well, I'm very angry at him, because he slept with me and never called me back.
Extra: Me too!
Another extra: Me too!
Joey: Oh, calm down! She means on the show! We need some new extras around here!
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Monica: It's just, I think, there's never gonna be a right time to have a baby. I mean, now you're unemployed and in a little
while you'll find a new job that'll keep you really busy. There's always gonna be a reason not to do this, but I think once the
baby comes, forget about all those reasons.
Chandler: I guess. It's always gonna be scary when we have a baby.
Monica: It's gonna be really scary. I mean, god. When we have a baby, there's gonna be so much that we're not able to
control. I mean, the apartment's gonna be a mess, I won't have time to clean it. What if the baby gets into the ribbon
drawer? Messes up all the ribbons?! What if there's no room for a ribbon drawer, because the baby's stuff takes up all the
space!? Where will all the ribbons go!?!
Chandler: Should we go make a baby right now before you change your mind?
Monica: Yes, please!
Chandler: Oh, and I promise, I will not fake it this time.
Monica: I wish I could say the same. I'm a little shook up!
[Closing credits]
Joey/Drake: I know you botched that operation on purpose. I can't prove it yet, but when I do, you'll be going to jail for
murder. I don't care if you are my brother.
Man: I'm not your brother.
Phoebe/Waitress: What about my children Drake?! Huh!? (She starts running around on the set with a security guy chasing
her) No!! No!! No! God!
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Rachel: So hot I cried myself to sleep last night. (Joey and Chandler clap their hands)
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Mike and Phoebe in Phoebe's place, Phoebe is doing a crossword puzzle]
Phoebe: Hey Mike, what's the capital of Peru?
Mike: Lima.
Phoebe: No. It starts with a "v" and ends with an "x". Helpfully with a "to" in the middle.
Mike: You know, kinda think of it, the capital of Peru IS "vtox". (opens the kitchen cabinet) Oh god! Oh!
Phoebe: What?
Mike: OK, I don't want to freak you out or anything, but I think I just saw a rat in your cupboard.
Phoebe: (relived) Oh, whew, no, that's Bob.
Mike: What, is he your pet rat?
Phoebe: Well not so much a pet as, you know, an occasional visitor who I put food out for, you know. Kinda like Santa.
Except Santa doesn't poop on the plate of cookies.
Mike: You can't keep a rat in your appartment! They're extremely unsanitary, and they transmit leptospirosis and
hantavirus.
Phoebe: What are those?
Mike: I don't know but they don't sound like spa treatments. You have to get rid of it!
Phoebe: OK, fine, if it means that much to you I'll get rid of Bob.
Mike: Thank you.
Phoebe: So weird, you think he's so gross and you're willing to eat his crackers. (Mike throws out everything in his mouth)
[Scene: Rachel's office, Rachel comes in and Gavin is there]
Rachel: Hello.
Gavin: Hello
Rachel: Gavin, I just wanted to say thank you again for watching Emma yesterday during the presentation. I really owe you
an appology.
Gavin: For what?
Rachel: Well, when we first met, you know, I thought you were pompous and arrogant and obnoxious ...
Gavin: Is this your first appology?
Rachel: No, I just mean that, you know, first impressions don't mean anything. And I-I think you're a really good guy and I'm
sorry that I misjudged you.
(Heather walks in)
Heather: Good morning!
Rachel: Hello. (to Gavin) But you know what, hey, new day, new leaf, I am just really really happy ... (sees Gavin staring at
Heather) I'm sorry, obviously Heather's ass has something more important to say so I'll just wait 'till it's finished.
Gavin: What?
Rachel: I was giving you an appology and you were totally checking her out!
Gavin: I wasn't checking her out. I'm in fashion, I was looking at her skirt. Or was it pants? I didn't really see what happened
below the ass area.
Rachel: Oh wow, you are really, you're really a creep.
Gavin: Why do you even care if I was looking at her? Are you jealous?
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Rachel: Oh yeah, I'm jealous. "Oh Gavin, please, please look at my ass". (Gavin starts looking) Stop looking at my ass! I mean,
I just think you are totally inappropriate, ok? This is a work environment, she's your subordinate.
Gavin: I thought it was ok when you slept with your old assistant Tag.
Rachel: That is totally different for two reasons. One - I didn't know that you knew that. And two, I wasn't some creep
staring at his ass, we had a deap meaningful relationship.
Gavin: Huh. What's Tag's last name?
Rachel: It was ... (can't remember) oh my god. He didn't have a last name. It was just "Tag". You know, like Cher, or, you
know, Moses.
Gavin: But it was a deap meaningful relationship.
Rachel: Oh, you know what - my first impression of you was absolutely right. You are arrogant, you are pompous ...
Morgan! Morgan! Tag's last name was Morgan! Huh!
Gavin: It was Jones.
Rachel: Yeah well what are you, his boyfriend?
[Scene: Coffee place, Molly holding Emma and talking to Joey]
Joey: Man, I wish I had a nanny like you.
Molly: You mean, when you were a baby.
Joey: Sure.
(Chandler is staring at Molly)
Monica: Would you stop staring at her?
Chandler: I wasn't staring. I was leering.
Monica: What's the big deal with her? Maybe she's attractive in an obvious kind of way.
Ross: Yeah, obvious beauty's the worst. You know, when it's right there in your face. Me, I like to have to work to find
someone attractive. Makes me feel like I earned it.
Chandler: Looks like Joey is doing allright with her.
Monica: Yeah. Hey, that was nice of you guys to back off and let Joey get the girl for once.
Molly: (to Ross) I'm gonna take her back to the appartment.
Ross: Ok, I'll be home right after work. Ok, by Emma-Wemma-Demma, I love you - wovyou dovyou ...
Molly: Bye
Monica: They've elected me to talk to you about the baby talk - it's not so good.
Molly: I think it's sweet. (goes to leave)
Ross, Joey and Chandler: Bye, Emma-Wemma-Demma.
Rachel: (to Joey) Hey, listen, Joey, about Molly, I really prefer if you didn't go after her.
Joey: Why not?
Rachel: Because it took us months to find a good nanny and I wouldn't want anything to, you know, drive her away.
Joey: So, what, you think I'm just gonna sleep with her and never call her again and things are gonna get uncomfortable?
(thinks about it) Yeah, sounds about right.
Ross: Come on, there are plenty of other women out thereok? Just - just forget about her, ok? Just, she's off limits.
Joey: Oh, man, why did have to go and say that for? Now that you told me I can't have it makes me want her even more!
Ross: What are you, a child?
Joey: Yes!
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Ross: Joey, come on now, for me! Please, just-just try to focus your sexual energy on someone else.
Joey: Fine. (looks around, then focuses on Monica)
Monica: (to Chandler) Take me home! (they quickly leave)
[Scene: Phoebe's place, Phoebe and Mike are there]
Phoebe: Hey Mikey
Mike: Hey P
Phoebe: What are you doing?
Mike: Setting rat traps.
Phoebe: To kill Bob??
Mike: No, no, to test his neck strength.
Phoebe: No, Mike, I don't want to kill him! I thought we were just gonna capture him and, and you know, set him free in
the country side where he can maybe meet a friendly possom and a wisecracking owl.
Mike: Ok, ok, I'll throw away the traps.
Phoebe: I'll find Bob, I'll get him. Bob? (starts looking) Bob! Robert! (looks at cabinet under sink) Oh wait, I think I hear him.
Oh - Oh my god! Bob had babies! Bob's a mom!
Mike: Better think of a new name for him.
Phoebe: I don't know, I kinda like Bob for a girl.
Mike: I don't know, I mean I'm not sure (they hear cracking voice from somewhere else in the kitchen, probably a rat
caught in a trap) ...
Phoebe: Oh my god, we killed Bob!
Mike: Maybe it wasn't Bob, maybe it was a mouse.
Phoebe: Suzie? (Runs over there to check)
[Scene: Mon and Chan's, Ross enters]
Ross: Whazzup??
Chandler: Seriously dude, 3 years ago.
Ross: Listen, can you do me a favor? I'm gonna be out today. Can you just keep an eye on Joey, make sure nothing happens
between him and Molly?
Chandler: You don't trust him?
Ross: Wh - No. Some woman who sounded a lot like Joey called earlier and asked for her daughter, the "hot nanny".
Chandler: Is this really your long term plan, for me to run interference? Because I could get a job any day now.
Ross: You do appear right on the cusp of something. Come on man, I'm sure he'll lose interest in a week or two, but for now
can you please just do this for me?
Chandler: Allright, fine, but don't blame me if it doesn't work. Because you know as well as I do that once Joey sets his mind
on something, more often than not, he's going to have sex with it.
Ross: Well we gotta do something, ok? Nannies like her don't grow on trees. (pause)
Chandler: Picturing that tree?
Ross: I am, yes.
[Scene: Hallway, Joey get out of his appartment and Chandler jumps out of his]
Chandler: Where you going, Joe?
(Joey falls on floor and gets up)
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Phoebe: Good. It's just so hard, it's hard for me to ... let them go. I guess it just brings back memories, you know, from ...
when I gave birth to my brother's triplets and I had to give them up. (Mike is shocked) I haven't told you about that yet,
have I?
[Scene: Rachel's party, Rachel is on the balcony, Monica goes there also]
Monica: Hey!
Rachel: Hi. Thanks for the party, honey. Should I help you clean up?
Monica: No way! You had your party, now I have mine! Is everything alright?
Rachel: Yeah, I just get a little bummed when my birthday's over.
Monica: Well, at least you have one thing to be happy about. That jerk Gavin from your office didn't show up (Gavin shows
up at the balcony windows).
Rachel: Mmm hmm.
Gavin: Yeah, hey. (comes in to the balcony)
Monica: Oh, we weren't talking about you. No, no way to recover.
Rachel: No.
(Monica goes back inside)
Gavin: Nice party.
Rachel: Well, it was, and you would have seen it if you didn't showed up at (looks at his watch) ... 9:30?? God! Oh, this party
was lame ...
Monica: (from inside) Again, you're welcome.
Gavin: Look, I'll just give you this and go.
Rachel: Oh, you bought me a present! Why?
Gavin: Well, let me explain how birthday parties usually work. There are presents, and a cake, perhaps a fourth or fifth
person. Ok, I ... got you the present to make up for being such a jerk to you earlier.
Rachel: Aww. Well, ok, well that's very nice. And you wrote a card (opens the card). "From Gavin"
Gavin: I really mean it.
Rachel: (opens the present, it's a green scarf) Awww, awww, it's beautiful.
Gavin: You don't mind? (puts it around her neck) Well, what do you know, it fits!
Rachel: See, Gavin, you're capable of being a nice guy. Why did you give me such a hard time?
Gavin: I'm not sure.
Rachel: Well Monica seems to think it's because you have feelings for me.
Gavin: I do have feelings for you.
Rachel: You do?
Gavin: Yes, I feel that you are a little annoying.
Rachel: See? Why, Gavin, why? Right when I'm about to change my opinion of you, you go and you ... (he kisses her) and
you do that ... (they kiss again)
[cut to Ross from his appartment, holding baby toys and is shocked to see them kissing]
ENDING CREDITS
Chandler: (sings in a helium voice) First I was afraid, I was petrified (very happy)
Phoebe: (walks in) Hey
Chandler: (normal voice) Hi
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Monica: No I totally disagree. No I think it's fine for a guy to do something like that. Such you an actor. Not that you need to,
your eyebrows are...
Joey: Ok! Stop it you guys! Stop staring! You're freaking me out!
Phoebe: Your knuckles are kinda hairy too...
Joey: Oh man! I have to get those done too?!
Phoebe: Wow! Talking about high maintenance
Joey: Hey hey! You dye your hair!
Phoebe: I'm a woman!
Joey: Arghhh! Double standards!
Phoebe: Oh before I forget, are you coming to Mike's piano bar tonight?
Monica: Only if I don't have to get up and sing.
Phoebe: But everybody sings. It's so much fun! Last time this adorable old man got out there, forgot all of the words,
flipped out and everyone booed him off the stage. So funny.
Monica: It's just, I'm not good at singing.
Phoebe: Oh! What's the matter? Are you scared? You're afraid I'm a better singer? You're afraid I'm gonna beat you at
singing?
Monica: No no, it's not working on me. Wow! I must be growing up!
Phoebe: OK fine! Please come and support Mike. You don't have to sing.
Monica: So I don't have to sing and I can just sit there and pass judgments on others?
Phoebe: While drinking...
Monica: I'm there!
Rachel: Hi guys! Listen I really need your help. I think I did something really stupid.
Phoebe: Well yes Rachel but you got something so beautiful out there
Rachel: No not that. I kissed Gavin last night.
Phoebe: Oh my god.
Monica: You kissed him?
Rachel: Yeah. It was after the party, we were on the balcony and...
Monica: Wait wait wait. I was at home the whole time. How did I missed that?
Phoebe: It was the end of the party, you were probably ironing wrapping paper.
Monica: Oh yeah...So how did you end up kissing?
Rachel: You know we were all alone and he was being really nice to me and, oh and he gave me this scarf...
Monica: I thought you hated him?
Rachel: You know honey, there is a thin line between love and hate, and it turns out that line...is a scarf!
Monica: So are you thinking of starting up something with this guy?
Rachel: I don't know. It's so complicated. I work with this guy, you know, I have the baby, and I have Ross, and I just...I don't
know what to do and I have to be at the office and see Gavin in ten minutes.
Monica: Sounds like you need to think about what you want, talk to Gavin, and you definitely should talk to Ross
Rachel: Or...I could call in sick and not deal with it at all...
Phoebe: Wow! Five-month maternity leave, you're back for four days, kiss a co-worker, call in sick, they are lucky to have
you!!
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Chandler: Oh come on! Hello! Hi! My name is Chandler, here's my friend Ross right here, and we were wondering you know
if you're up for it. We only need six more people for a human pyramid...Swoop!! Swoop!!
Ross: Hum...So...hum...Oh hey I noticed you were reading the paper...another flood in Europe? Heres a question: "Would
you... would you rather drown or be burnt alive?"
Blonde girl: Sorry...we were just leaving
Chandler: We still got it!
[Scene: Ross']
Rachel: Who is it?
Gavin: Gavin! I brought you some soup.
Rachel: Why?
Gavin: I heard you were sick...
Rachel: Oh! Right! Yeah! Hold on, I'll be just clean up in here a little bit! Hello Gavin
Gavin: I missed you at work today. How are you feeling?
Rachel: I a not gonna lie to you, I'm pretty sick
Gavin: Oh! Good! Because I was having a totally paranoid moment when I thought you called in sick to avoid me.
Rachel: Oh no no no
Gavin: So I had fun last night
Rachel: So did I
Gavin: Exactly how contagious is this thing you have? I mean is it a cold for standing on the balcony or did a monkey bite
you?
Rachel: It's just a cold
Gavin: Do you have fever? Let me see. Hum...
Rachel: What? What's the matter?
Gavin: What's Ross doing to you on that picture?
Rachel: Oh he's dusting me with a fossil brush. He thought it would be funny.
Gavin: Right. Right. Ross. So what's the deal with you guys? I don't want to get in the middle of anything
Rachel: Oh you're not. You're not gonna get in the middle of anything, don't worry about Ross really, really. (She hears the
noise of the key in the lock) Oh! Hide! That's Ross! Hide! Hide!
Gavin: Yeah! But you said not to worry about...
Rachel: I lied! And I'm not sick! Just stay behind the curtain!
Molly: Hi!
Rachel: Oh! Molly! You're not Ross.
Molly: No I'm here to take Emma to your mother's, remember?
Rachel: Right, right, yes!
Molly: Don't panic!
Rachel: What?
Molly: There is a man behind your curtain. I have a mace in my purse.
Rachel: No! That's OK! That's OK! That's OK! No no no no! This is my business associate Gavin. He's just being silly. Gavin
come out from behind that curtain!
Gavin: Hi! Gavin! Please to meet you. It was my idea to stand there.
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Ross: This is great. Rachel's gonna keep kissing guys until she finds the one she wants and I'm gonna die alone.
Chandler: By drowning or...?!
Michelle: Why would he break up with me?
Her friend: I don't know sweetie.
Michelle: All I ever wanted was just love him and have him love me back. I mean, am I so unlovable?
Chandler: Well...
Ross: I know! (he stands)
[Scene: Piano bar]
Mike: All right, that was Kenneth with his much too literal rendition of "I touch myself". Coming up next we've got Monica
singing "Delta Dawn".
Monica: Wait wait! I can't sing in front of all these people.
Phoebe: Just pretend they're not even here! It's OK Monica, when that spotlight hits you it so bright you won't see anyone
anyway.
Monica: Hi! I'm Monica and I'm gonna be singing "Delta Dawn"
"Delta Dawn, what's that flower you have on? Could it be a faded rose from days gone by? ..."
Phoebe: Can you totally see through her shirt ?
Mike: Like an X-Ray. Bad day not to wear a bra.
Monica: "To take you to his mansion in the sky-y?"
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's]
Joey: Hey, I need your help.
Chandler: Wow, it seems serious. What seems to be the problem, Ashley Judd?
Joey: Look, I'll get new headshot taken, all right, so I want to get my eyebrows shaped
Chandler: I am sorry, moment to make fun of that, please!
Joey: You may be a sissy but I'll still (pound you out on ground). All right, it hurts so bad, I could only let her do one eyebrow
and now... they dont match!
Chandler: Its like a baby caterpillar chasing its mama!
Joey: All right, look, you got to help me out, ok? Look, I have the magic marker, I want you to fill in the skinny one so I dont
look stupid for my pictures.
Chandler: Ok. First of all, this is green!
Joey: What the hell am I supposed to do!
Chandler: All right, I will help you out but you have to promise me you will not tell anyone what I am about to tell you.
Joey: What, what.
Chandler: Ok, you know how most kids get their allowance from mowing the lawn or taking out the garbage, well I earned
mine by plucking the eyebrows of my father and his business partners.
Joey: Oh my God!
Chandler: Yeah, well, I guess you dont need my help Victor Victoria!
Joey: Ok all right, no, no, no, no, I do, I do, I do, I need your help, but Chandler I dont know if I can take anymore plucking.
It hurts so bad!
Chandler: Oh, not with my combination of ice cubes, aloe Vera and my gentle self-loathing touch.
[Scene: Piano Bar]
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Monica: "Take me to the mansion in the sky-y". I am sorry, the song is over. Did you see me out there?
Phoebe: Every little bit of you!
Monica: I cant believe I did this. I cant believe I'm singing for the people, and they liked me! Hey, did you hear that one
shouting look at those tips! I mean, did I really help you get a lot of tips?
Mike: Sure.
Phoebe: Mon', not that you didnt sound good, but...
Monica: Good? Didnt you hear them...I was great! Thank you so much for making me do this. Thats is the best gift ever.
Mike: Also a good gift? Underwear.
[Scene: Ross']
Michelle: Thank you so much for letting me do this. Public bathrooms freak me out, I can't even pee, let alone do anything
else.
Ross: But, whats great is that you dont mind talking about it.
Michelle: Its so amazing I met you the same day that Eric broke up with me, because its like you lose a boyfriend, you get a
boyfriend.
Ross: Uh-ah!
Michelle: No dont worry, this is not some rebound thing. I am totally over Eric.
Ross: (pfew). Good choice Ross.
Rachel: Oh, hey! Hi, there you are, Ive been looking for you everywhere!
Ross: Oh, yeah, hello, well, now, here I am.
Rachel: Listen, my mum is not bringing the baby back until nine o clock. So I was hoping you and I could have a chance to
kind of talk somebody here?
Ross: Oh, yeah, yeah thats Michelle.
Rachel: Who?
Ross: Oh, just this woman Ive been seeing.
Rachel: Youve being seeing someone?
Ross: Yeah, didnt I mention that? Yeah, I mean, we havent being going out for too long, but rather there is this amazing
connection between us. I-I mean, in fact just before you came in she called me her boyfriend. I thought it was a little too
soon, but it was also, you know, it was kinda nice.
Michelle: What are you taking amoxicillin for?
Ross: How great is this? You are already comfortable enough to look through my stuff. Oh, I am sorry Michelle, thats my
roommate, Rachel.
Rachel: Hi, and I am also Emmas mother.
Michelle: Ah, who is Emma?
Ross: I told you about my daughter.
Michelle: This is your daughter? I can be your new mummy!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's]
Chandler: And done!
Joey: Oh my God! I didnt feel a thing ! Hey, are you still looking for a job because you can tweeze circles around that
sadistic bitch at the saloon
Chandler: Thanks. You wanna see what it looks like?
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Joey: Yeah, yeah. Hey, they totally match! They look great! They look great! How you doing!
Chandler: Yeah, yeah, I think it looks pretty good. I was a little worried I was uncovering a birthmark right about there, but
it turned out to be a little piece of chocolate.
Joey: Thank you so much.
Chandler: No problem.
Joey: Listen thats a pretty girly hour we just spent, we should add some manly make up for it.
Chandler: Yeah.
Joey: Comb my eyelashes.
[Scene: Piano Bar]
Monica: Ok, for my next song I think Ill sing something a little more upbeat. All right? Oh, how about the Pointer Sisters I
am so excited. And make it bouncy!
Phoebe: Oh youll probably take care of that on your hands.
Chandler: I am sorry I am late. Youll understand when youll see Joey.
Monica: Honey, youre just in time, Im about to sing another song!
Chandler: Really? In front of all this people?
Monica: And they love me!
Chandler: Oh my God!
Phoebe: Yes, she gives the people what they want.
Monica: All right, watch!
Monica: "Tonight's the night we're gonna make it happen, tonight we'll put all other things aside. Give in this time and
show me some affection..."
Chandler: Are those my wifes nipples?
Phoebe: Oh? Isnt that funny? I didn't see that before, I wouldn't have let her go up again.
Chandler: I gotta stop this.
Monica: Oh, who cares, they still love me! "I am so excited..."
Chandler: You, touching yourself, out!
[Scene: Ross]
Rachel: Wow. She does that a lot!
Michelle: Ross, you didnt tell me you were a doctor!
Rachel: What, what, wait a minute! You havent even told her you were a doctor, yet? How long have you known her, like
an hour?
Michelle: Actually about an hour and a half.
Ross: I told you it wasnt long, but there is an amazing connection between us.
Michelle: You feel that too? Oh, I thought that was just me!
Ross: Are you kidding?
Michelle: Hey, do you want to go away this weekend?
Ross: Well see.
Rachel: Ok, Ross, whats going on here, are we just bringing strange women back to the apartment now?
Ross: I dont know, are we just kissing guys on balconies?
Rachel: How do you know about that?
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Ross: Through the magic of sight! I was here, putting our child to sleep...
Michelle: Emma.
Ross: When I happened to look through the window and I see you kissing a guy you know, for what? A week?
Rachel: Oh, thats what this is all about? Did you bring her up here to get back at me?
Michelle: No, actually, see I had to pee, cause I cant use public bathrooms because the doodie parasites.
Ross: Ok, Michelle, its time to go.
Michelle: Well, call me!
Ross: Ok.
Michelle: No, wait, you dont have my phone number!
Ross: You know, if its meant to be, Ill guess it. Bye, bye.
Rachel: Score.
Ross: Oh, I am sorry, did you not like her, because I was hoping that we could come to one of your kissing parties on the
balcony.
Rachel: Oh God, I cant believe youre making such a big deal about this. It was one kiss, one guy, one time!
Ross: Oh, really!
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: Oh, really!
Rachel: Oh yeah.
Ross: What about the guy from the bar?
Rachel: What? Who?
Ross: The guy you gave your number to.
Rachel: Whoa, how do you know about that?
Ross: Because he called here looking for you. So dont tell me this...this kissing this guy from work is a one time thing, ok?
Youve been out there in bars and on balconies for over a month now. And you didnt even have the courtesy to tell me.
Rachel: Why didnt I get that message?
Ross: What?
Rachel: From the guy in the bar, why didnt I get that message?
Ross: Because I folded it up and put in my pants pocket. Do you...do you not look there?
Rachel: Ross?
Ross: I never gave it to you.
Rachel: Why?
Ross: I dont know.
Rachel: Oh God. You know what? Who you think you are? Who are you to decide what messages I should or should not
get?
Ross: Who am I?
Rachel: Yes.
Ross: I am the guy whos taking care of our baby while youre out at bars meeting guys!
Rachel: Oh my God, I cannot believe this. You know I actually came in here hoping to have a mature conversation with you
About us! But I cant do that with someone who hides my messages and brings crazy women back to my apartment!
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Ross: None of the sane ones wanted to come back with me! Thats not the point. Ok? The point is you...you are the one
Who moved on and didnt tell anyone!
Rachel: Oh, Ross, this is just so messed up! Whats wrong with us? You know when people hear about our situation they
Always ask, what, you live together but youre not a couple? And you have a baby, isnt that weird? And I say No. You
know what, its not, because it works for us! But you know this doesnt work. In fact this is the opposite of working!
Ross: Uh, clearly.
Rachel: And you know, we said that we would, we would live together as long as this makes sense. An maybe this, you
know, Just doesnt make sense anymore.
Ross: Yeah, maybe not. So what you wanna do?
[Scene: Joey's]
Joey: Hey!
Rachel: Hi. Can Emma and I live here for a while?
Joey: Ha, oh, of course.
Rachel: Thank you.
Joey: Your eyebrows look weird.
[Ending Credits]
Chandler: Jeremiah was a bullfrog. Was a good friend of mine, never understood a single word he said, but I helped him
drink his wine. So you just touch yourself for anything?
END
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[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is in the kitchen as Joey enters from his bedroom.]
Joey: Morning, roomie!
Rachel: Hey! You remembered to put clothes on this morning.
Joey: Fifth day's a charm.
Rachel: Oh, Joey, it's so great to be back here. I gotta tell you, you're making it so easy on me and Emma.
Joey: Hey, it's great having you back. You know, stay as long as you want, and when does she stop crying all night?
(Ross enters.)
Ross: Hey, you're not naked! So hey, Rach, when will we expect to see you tonight?
Rachel: Well, I'll probably be back to pick her up around six, but she's in the bedroom all ready to go. But she did actually
fall back to sleep, so...
Joey: She's probably exhausted from all that adorable screaming she did last night.
Rachel: Bye!
(She leaves.)
Ross: Bye! Hey, I hope Emma isn't making it too hard on you.
Joey: No, hey, it's been great.
Ross: Yeah?
Joey: Yeah. And look, I just want you to know that with Rachel staying here and everything, all my feelings from before are
totally over, okay? And even if they weren't, when you accidentally walk in on a woman using a breast pump...
Ross: Yeah, that'll do it.
Joey: Wow! So, how are you?
Ross: I'm, I'm okay.
Joey: Really?
Ross: Sure, I mean, do I wish me and Rachel living together would have worked out? Of course. You know, I'm disappointed,
but it's not like it's a divorce.
Joey: Well, actually it...
Ross: No, it's not a divorce, it is not a divorce! Anyway, I think Rachel and I need to, you know, get on with our lives, maybe,
maybe start seeing other people.
Joey: Wow, really?
Ross: Yeah, sure, why not? In fact, if you know anyone that would be good for me...
Joey: Sure, I know lots of girls.
Ross: Yeah? Any names come to mind?
Joey: Ooh, names?
Opening credits.
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment. Joey is there as Phoebe enters.]
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Phoebe: Hey.
Joey: Hey. I was just gonna get something to eat. You want something?
Phoebe: What you got?
Joey (checks the refrigerator): Okay, let's see, we got strained peas, strained carrots... Ooh! Strained plums. We haven't
tried that yet.
Phoebe: Goodie! Thanks. So, how is it living with Rachel again? I mean, apart from the great food.
Joey: I'm fine, I'm fine, it's just, it's just weird what's happening with her and Ross. You know, yesterday he asked me to fix
him up with somebody.
Phoebe: Oh my god, Rachel asked me if I knew anyone for her too.
Joey: Why are they doing this?
Phoebe: I don't know. They're so perfect for each other; it's crazy.
Joey: You know what's crazy? These jars. What is it, like two bites in here?
Phoebe: I just wish they'd realise they should be together.
Joey: I know, I know. And when they moved back in together, I figured y'know, that's where things were headed.
Phoebe: I know. They should be a family. They should get married and have more children.
Joey: Yes, and they should name one of their kids Joey. I may not have kids; someone's gotta carry on the family name.
Phoebe: You know what? Maybe once they start dating, and they see what's out there, they'll realise how good they are for
each other.
Joey: Yeah, because it is slim pickings. I had this date last night: Yuck! But we should probably keep it down; she's still in the
bedroom.
Phoebe: So, what are we gonna do? Are we just gonna go ahead and set them up with people?
Joey: I know; that just pushes them further and further apart.
Phoebe: Yeah. (BEAT) Oh, I know what we can do. We could set Ross and Rachel up on horrible dates, so that they'll realise
how good they are together.
Joey: Ooh, that's a great plan!
Phoebe: Yeah, you know what the best part of it is? I get to do my "plan-laugh." (A maniacal laugh follows.)
(They both start laughing really loudly.)
Joey: Shhh! Not so loud, we don't wanna wake up, uh...
(He looks at his bedroom door, but he can't remember the name of the girl.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. They're in the kitchen as Rachel enters.]
Rachel: Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Rachel: You guys aren't doing anything tonight, are you?
Chandler: See, now, why would you assume that? Just because we're married? I will have you know that we are very hip,
happening people. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to reading the obituaries.
Rachel: I was just asking 'cause I need someone to watch Emma tonight.
Monica: Sure, we'll do that. What are you up to?
Rachel: Well, Phoebe set me up on a date.
Monica: Oh my god.
Chandler: Wow.
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Phoebe: Ooh, so this is great! Rachel's gonna have a terrible date, Ross gets stood up, and then they'll realise how good
they have it together.
Joey: Ah, yes, The Plan! (Laughs loudly again, but he sounds more like Santa Claus.)
Phoebe: It's not Santa's plan. No, it's... (Laughs the real "plan-laugh.")
(They both start laughing again.)
Joey: Yeah, you know, it's not that fun.
Phoebe: No, I think we killed it.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Emma is there in her playpen, while Chandler is behind the couch.]
Chandler: Emma? Emma? Look at me! Well, I think I'll go downstairs for a while.
(He does the ancient trick of going downstairs while behind the couch. As soon as he's out of sight, Emma starts crying.)
Chandler: No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no! It's okay, it's okay. I didn't go. Don't cry, it's just a bit! I'm your uncle Chandler;
funny is all I have!
(Monica enters from their bedroom with a calendar.)
Monica: Okay, just so you know, I'm gonna be ovulating from tomorrow until the sixth, so don't touch yourself in the next
48 hours.
Chandler: I don't do that.
(Monica looks at him.)
Chandler: I'll try to stop. Wait, did you say until the sixth?
Monica: Yeah.
Chandler: Today is the sixth.
Monica: No, it's not.
(Points at the calendar.)
Chandler: Yes, it's also 2003.
Monica: Oh my god. Today's the sixth?! I may be done ovulating! I may have also served some very questionable meat at
the restaurant.
Chandler: It's okay. Go take the test and see if we're okay.
Monica: Okay.
(She runs to the bathroom, while Chandler starts acting like a chicken in front of Emma. Emma is silent, however.)
Chandler: Tough crib.
Monica: Hey, where are all my ovulation-sticks? There's only one here.
Chandler: I might have checked to see if I was ovulating a couple times.
Monica: Chandler!
Chandler: I am not working. There's not much to do around here!
[Scene: Delmonico's restaurant. Ross is waiting for his blind date to show up. A waiter walks past him.]
Ross: Excuse me, is there a woman waiting at the bar? Someone average height, dark hair, perhaps doing a puzzle?
Waiter: Uh, there's a drunk Chinese guy.
Ross: Well, if I'm still here in an hour, buy him a drink on me.
Waiter: Can I get you another glass of wine?
Ross: Nah, I don't know if I should. I don't wanna be drunk when I go home alone.
Waiter: Got stood up, huh?
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(She walks over to Central Perk and enters to find Ross sitting on the couch, eating crab cakes. She takes off her coat while
groaning and shuddering.)
Ross: Hey, what's wrong?
Rachel: I just had a rough night.
Ross: Oh. Crab cake?
Rachel: Eww!
Ross: Well, what happened?
Rachel: Oh, well, I...It's kind of weird talking to you about this, but...
Ross: Monica told me you had a blind date.
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: I did, too.
Rachel: Oh.
Ross: But is it technically a date if the other person doesn't show up?
Rachel: Oh, oh no. Do you think she walked in, saw you and left?
Ross: Why does everyone keep saying that?
Rachel: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I wish my date hadn't shown up.
Ross: That bad?
Rachel: Well, he makes t-shirts for a living, and he thought it would be appropriate to give me this.
(She holds up a black t-shirt with "FBI - Female Body Inspector" on the front.)
Ross: Female body inspector? What size is that?
[Cut to outside. Phoebe and Joey are walking down the street to Central Perk.]
Phoebe: Now, wait a minute. So, they're gonna name their first child Joey?
Joey: Uh-huh.
Phoebe: How - how do I get them to name the next one after me?
Joey: It's easy, you just walk in on them having sex.
Phoebe: Oh, so they owe me like, three Phoebes.
(Phoebe sees Rachel and Ross through the window.)
Phoebe: Oh my god! Look, it's Ross and Rachel. Oh, the plan is working.
(Joey does the "plan-laugh.")
Phoebe: Don't, don't do the plan-laugh.
[Cut to inside Central Perk.]
Ross: The first date we've had in months, and they were both such disasters.
Rachel: Oh. Huh. You know, it is weird that Phoebe would set me up on a date that was awful on the same night that Joey
set you up on a date that didn't even show.
Ross: Wait a minute; you don't think it was intentional? I mean, that's just stupid.
[Cut to outside Central Perk.]
Joey: We're geniuses! Yeah, look at them, look at them, they're really bonding.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, they're falling in love all over again.
(Rachel and Ross turn around and look at Phoebe and Joey with puzzled expressions on their faces.)
Phoebe: Oh, they see us! Oh, they, they look mad. Oh, they figured it out. They're coming this way. Run!
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Joey: Where?
Phoebe: Mexico!
(They run down the street with Ross and Rachel following right behind them.)
End credits.
[Scene: Delmonico's restaurant. Ross and Joey are sitting at a table for four. The waiter is pouring water in their glasses.]
Joey: Can you believe they're still not here?
Ross: I know. A double blind date, and we both get stood up. What are the chances?
Joey: I know, I'm so bummed. Can we have our free crab cakes now?
Waiter: What?
Joey: We've been stood up. (sniffles) And we want our free crab cakes.
Waiter: Guys, give it a rest. Nobody's betting on you tonight. Although we do have a pool going to see how long it takes
that guy to cry.
(He points at Steve who's sitting at another table. He's staring at his hands.)
Steve: I have such fat hands!
(He starts crying.)
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[Scene: Central Perk, Joey, Ross, Monica and Phoebe are there as Chandler enters]
Chandler: (excited) Guys, guys, I've got great news! Guess what
Joey: Uh, ah, Monica's pregnant?!
Monica: (shocked) Really? (She looks around, suddenly embarrassed) Let's get past the moment.
Phoebe: What's your news?
Chandler: Thank you. I got a job in advertising. (Everybody cheers)
Monica: (hugging Chandler) Oh, honey, that's incredible!
Phoebe: (inquisitive) Gosh, what's the pay like? (Everybody stares at her indignantly) Oh, come on people (defending)
come on, now, if I don't know who makes the most, how do I know who I like the most! (She looks at Joey) Hey Joey! (Joey
winks at her)
Chandler: Actually, it pays nothing. It's an internship.
Joey: Oh, that's cool. We have interns at 'Days Of Our Lives'.
Chandler: Right. So, it'll be the same except less sex with you. (Joey nods)
Ross: So, uh, what kinda stuff do you think they'll have you do there?
Chandler: Well, it's a training program, but at the end, they hire the people they like.
Phoebe: (enthusiastic) That's great.
Chandler: Yeah, I mean, there's probably gonna be some ground work which will probably stink, you know, grown man
getting people coffee is a little humiliating
(At the same time, Gunther puts down a cup of coffee in front of Chandler)
Chandler: (grinning awkwardly) Humiliating and noble!
(Gunther shoots a nasty look at him while leaving)
Ross: You know, if I didn't already have a job, I think, I would have been really good in advertising.
Monica: Ross, you did not come up with "got milk?"
Ross: Yes, I did, I did! (He turns to Joey, disappointed) I should have written it down!
Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's Aparment, Monica sits at the table]
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Joey: Where's Chandler? I wanna wish him good luck on his first day. (Monica smiles) ... and I smelled bacon. (taking some)
Monica: He just left.
Joey: (puzzled) Who did? (Monica looks bewildered)
Rachel: (entering) Joey! You never gonna believe it: she called.
Joey: (standing up, surprised) She did?
Rachel: (enthusiastic) You got it!
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that for the money, I believe in those phones. I almost lost a cousin because of bad wireless service.
Joey: No, I-I-I wasn't making fun of you, honestly, I-I think you were great in those commercials.
Lennart: Really?
Joey: Yeah.
Lennart: Well, I do bring a certain credibility to the role.
Joey: (regaining confidence) Are you kiddin'? When they shoot you out of that cannon
Lennart: Peeeeeooooooooch (He mimes flying out of the cannon) "Hang up that phone!" One take!
Joey: Wow!
Lennart: So, shall we read?
Joey: Oh, yah, sure.
Lennart: Top of act two. This is my entrance. You got it?
(Joey nods whereupon Lennart acts as if he is entering a room)
Lennart: "What the hell are you still doing here"?
(Joey stares at him, fascinated by his performance)
Joey: Err, "I think you know".
Lennart: "Bastard"!
Joey: "I am what you made me. You know what? I could go right now."
Lennart: "Go, go!"
Joey: "I can't. Oh, I want to, long pause, but I can't."
Lennart: I'm sorry, sorry. You're not supposed to say "long pause"
Joey: (understandingly) Oh, oh, I thought that was your character's name, you know, I thought you were like an Indian or
something, you know with a (He mimes wearing a feather on his head)
Lennart: No. Thank you so much for coming in. We appreciate it, thank you.
Joey: Ah, y-y-you're sure you don't want me to do it again? I could do it with an accent, you know, Southern (He speaks in
what he believes is a Southern accent) "I could go right now, maaan!"
Lennart: (stunned, muttering) My god in heaven.
(The producers stand up)
Producer #1: Joey, hang on for a second. Lennart, can we talk to you for a moment?
(They stand aside, talking)
Lennart: You, you gotta be kidding. See, h-he, he can't act. (Joey hears that and his disappointment is reflected in his facial
expression).
(Producer #1 whispers something)
Lennart: Hey! I-I-I don't care if he's hot, you know. If you want to sleep with him, do it on your own time. (Joey smiles
smugly at this) This is a play. No, listen: if you insist on this, I will call my agent so fast on a cell phone that has a connection
that is so clear he's gonna think I'm next door.
(Joey approaches them)
Joey: (interrupting their conversation) Ah, hi, ah. Thank you so much for whispering for my benefit, but, ah, look, if you just
tell me what I did wrong, I'd just love to work on it and come back and try it again for you. And, and also: (to Producer #1)
'How you doing?' (to Lennart again) You should, please, just gimme another chance. I really wanna get better, please.
Lennart: Well, if you wanna come back at the end of the day today, here are my notes. Ready?
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Joey: Yeah.
Lennart: Uhm, you're in your head. You-you're thinking way too much.
Joey: I really doubt that.
Lennart: (explaining to Joey, who nods fervently) No, no, no. It's that you're not connected with anything in your body.
There's no urgency. The scene is a struggle, uhm, it's a race. Also, what you did was horizontal. Don't be afraid to explore the
vertical. And don't learn the words. Let the words learn you.
(Joey ponders on this for a while)
Joey: (suggesting) Couldn't I just sleep with the producer?
[Scene: Backstreet, Ross and Phoebe walking]
Phoebe: Hey, do you wanna go to dinner tonight?
Ross: Oh, I can't. I've got a date with that waitress, Katy, yeah, I know we've been only going out like twice, but I have a
really good feeling about her.
Phoebe: Oh, I hear divorce bells.
(A mugger, his face hidden by a cap, approaches them from behind)
Mugger: Alright. Just give me your wallets and there won't be a problem.
Ross: (taken aback) What?
Mugger: I have a gun (It looks like he has a gun under his coat)
Ross: O-ok. Just relax, Phoene, just stay calm. (He searches his coat and freaks out). Oh my god, I can't find my wallet.
(He finally finds the wallet and hands it to the mugger)
Mugger: Alright, lady, now give me your purse!
Phoebe: No.
Ross: (still in a high-pitched voice) What do you mean "no"? I knew you'd be my death, Phoebe Buffay.
(A sign of recognition runs across Phoebe's face)
Phoebe: Lowell, is that you?
Lowell: Phoebe? (He lifts his cap) Oh my god!
Phoebe: (simultaneously) Oh my god!
(They hug and scream)
Phoebe: (excited) I'm sorry, Ross, this is my old friend Lowell from the streets. Lowell, Ross.
Lowell: Ross, nice to meet you. (He stretches his hand out to him)
Ross: Yeah, a real pleasure.
Phoebe: Ah, it's been so long, so long. (They hug again) I can't believe you're still doing this!
Lowell: Ough, I know, but I quit smoking!
Phoebe: Good for you!
Lowell: So you look like you're doing really well! I guess you're mugging days are behind you?
Phoebe: Ouh (she nods)
Ross: (shocked) Oh my god. Phoebe, you used to mug people?
Phoebe: Excuse me, Ross, old friends catching up
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's Apartment, Monica sits on the couch as Joey enters]
Monica: Hey, how did the audition go?
Joey: Well, they wanna see me again this afternoon, but, err, well, Lennart Haze did not like me. (He sits down)
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damage!
Phoebe: (laughing) Okay
Monica: Well, this must've brought back some really bad memories for you, Ross.
Phoebe: Why?
Monica: Well, Ross was mugged as a kid.
Phoebe: (worried) You were?
Ross: Yeah, it was pretty traumatic. I was outside St. Marc's Comics you know, I-I-I was just there minding my own business,
you know, seeing what kinda trouble spiderman got into that weekMonica: (coughing) Wonderwoman!
Ross: Anyway, I was heading towards this bakery, you know, to pick up a couple of dozen Linzer torts for someone (He
looks at Monica) when outta nowhere this thug with a pipe jumps out and says: "Gimme your money, punk!"
Phoebe: (shocked) Oh my god
Ross: I know! And-and the worst part was they took my backpack which had all the original artwork I had done for my own
comic book: "Science Boy"
Monica: Oh yeah! What was his superpower again?
Ross: A superhuman thirst for knowledge.
Monica: That's it.
Ross: Well, I-I better get to class (He stands up) Are there any more of your friends I should look out for on my way, Phoebe?
Phoebe: No actually, you might wanna stay away from Jane street that's where stabby Joe works.
(Ross leaves Central Perk)
Phoebe: Okay, I think we have a problem here.
Monica: What?
Phoebe: Well, uhm, back in my mugging days, you know, I, uhm, I worked St. Marc's Comics.
Monica: Yeah?
Phoebe: Well, a pipe was my weapon of choice and, uhm, pre-teen comic book nerds were my meat.
Monica: So?
Phoebe: Well, there was this one kid who had a sticker on his backpack that saidPhoebe and Monica: "Geology rocks!"
Monica: Oh my god!
Phoebe: I know I mugged Ross!
[Scene: Audition room, the producers and Lennart are waiting for Joey]
Receptionist: You're late!
Joey: (entering) I know, I'm sorry, but can I just have a quick second to run to the bathroom?
Receptionist: No, Lennart doesn't wait!
Joey: But I'm bursting with u-hu!
Lennart: (spotting Joey) Joey! Here we go. Let's go very quickly!
Joey: Actually, I really need
Lennart: (interrupting) We must go now, quickly, please.
Joey: Yes ahahaaa (He seems to be in pain)
Lennart: Ready? "What the hell are you still doing here?"
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Ross: (entering) Hey, uhm, Phoebe didn't by any chance mention that
Monica: that she was the huge guy that mugged you? Yah.
Ross: I see. You didn't happen to tell
Monica: everybody we know? Yeah.
Ross: Great. Thanks! (He leaves)
End
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[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment. Chandler and Monica are looking through some papers.]
Chandler: Did you see our bank statement? Can this be right?
Monica: I know...God. I haven't seen my savings take a hit like this since I was a kid and they came up with double-stuffed
Oreos. What happened to all our money?
Chandler: I'm not sure what they did, but I'm inclined to blame Enron.
Monica: I guess with you doing the internship, we're just spending more than we're bringing in.
Chandler: Maybe I should quit and get a job that pays.
Monica: Oh, But you're finally doing something that you love! I can't ask you to give that up. Though it'd be nice if the thing
that you love was y'know... finding gold.
Chandler: You know what? You know what? I think we're making too big a deal out of this. ok? So we pay our bills a little
late this month and maybe next month we cut back on a few things. And maybe we start eating out of Joey's refrigerator
for a change. You're chef... what can you make out of backing soda and beer?
Monica: Ok worse case scenario is...we borrow some money from my parents.
Chandler: No! We're not borrowing money.
Monica: Why not?
Chandler: Because we don't do that. We are Bings! And if there's one thing my father taught me was... well to always knock
before going into the pool house... but the other thing was never borrow money.
Monica: Wow! I Had no idea you had this much pride.
Chandler: That's right! I do! And I'm your man. And I'm going to get us through this situation even if it means you working
twice as hard.
Opening Credits
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment. Mike and Phoebe seem to have finished watching a movie on television.]
Mike: I'm gonna go. (He kisses Phoebe on the cheek)
Phoebe: Why??
Mike: I haven't been home in a couple of days and I need to get some more clothes.
Phoebe: Oh...you don't have to go, I have something that will fit you.
Mike: I put that tube top on as a joke.
Phoebe: I want you to stay.
Mike: I want to stay too but I've gone as bad as much use out of these boxers as I can..
Phoebe: Why don't you turn them inside ou...
Mike: Done it. (Phoebe becomes a little more subdued) I'll be back in a couple of hours.
Phoebe: I'll miss you.
Mike: Me too. (He leaves. A few moments later, he enters again.) You know what? I just realised something. I don't wanna
go home.
Phoebe: Great! Ok...I'll go get the tube top.
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Mike: No, no! What I mean is, I hate going back to my apartment now... and partly because I live above a known crack den
but... mostly because when I'm there, It's just, I really miss you. So.. do you want to move in together?
Phoebe: Wow, Mike Hannigan...You sure know how to make a girl say "Hell yeah!"
Mike: So we're doing it?
Phoebe: Yeah! Let's do it! Let's live together! (They embrace and Mike kisses Phoebe) Oh god, we're really going to move in
together!
Mike: Yeah!
Phoebe: I've always wanted to live with a guy. "Pick up your socks!" "Put down the toilet seat!" "No! We're not having sex
anymore!" It's gonna be fun!
[Scene: Joey's apartment. Monica enters.]
Monica: Hey Joey!
Joey: Hey!
Monica: Listen...I need to know that what I'm about to ask you, will never get back to Chandler.
(Joey frowns...then looks as if he understands)
Joey: I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought about it myself. Chandler is my best friend, it would be wrong. Good...(He
winks)...But wrong.
Monica: (Looks exasperated) Ok first of all...It would be great. But that's not what I'm here to talk to you about. I need to
borrow some money.
Joey: Aww, I don't know Monica y'know... erm... lending friends money is always a mistake.
Monica: But Chandler lent you money!
Joey: And I think he would tell you it was a mistake.
Monica: Come on...I just need it for some rent and..and some other bills.
Joey: Oh...how much?
Monica: Two thousand dollars?
Joey: Two thousand dollars!? What do you think I am? I soap opera star!?
Monica: Yeah...
Joey: That's right I am! (Opens drawer and rummages through it. Rachel enters)
Rachel: Hi you guys!
Joey & Monica: Hey!
Joey: Oo...what's in the bag?
Rachel: Oh er... well you know Emma started crawling? I realised that this place, is very unsafe for a baby. So I went to the
store and got some stuff to baby-proof the apartment.
Joey: Oh...baby-proofing... Why is this such a big deal now? Y'know, when I was a kid it was like.. "Whoops! Joey fell down
the stairs!" or er.. "Whoops! Joey electrocuted himself again!" Huh!
Monica: Anyway erm, are you going to get a handyman to install this stuff?
Rachel: No. I was just going to do this myself. (Joey makes a sarcastic laugh.)
Joey: You're gonna do it?
Rachel: Yeah, Why? You don't think a woman can do this?
Joey: Oh, women can. You can't.
Rachel: Monica...would you please tell Joey that he is a pig?
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Chandler: Listen er..I need to ask you a favor but you can't tell Monica anything about it.
Joey: I thought you didn't have secrets from Monica.
Chandler: And that would have made the official party line. (Joey nods) Monica and I are having a little financial trouble.
Joey: Yeah, I know.
Chandler: What? What do you mean you know?
Joey: Err... I just figured it out! You know, I mean you're not working and the economy is bad.
Chandler: Oh! Right.
Joey: (to himself) That's the fastest I have ever thought!
Chandler: Anyway, err... I need to borrow some money.
Joey: Oh! Sure! How much? Two thousand dollars?
Chandler: Yes! Two thousand dollars exactly! How do you know that! (Joey begins writing a cheque)
Joey: Err...Well I...Know how much you used to make and I know how much your rent is. (shrugs)
Chandler: Oh ok.
Joey: (To himself) I am on fire!
Chandler (Stands up and walks to Joey): Listen...this is really nice. Do you... (sees his chequebook) Did you write a cheque to
Monica for two thousand dollars? Did Monica borrow money from you?
Joey: Err... Kind of.
Chandler: I can't believe her! Did she tell you we were having money problems?
Joey: Oh no no no no no... It wasn't... It wasn't because of your money problems, it was for something for her.
Chandler: What?
Joey: Something personal.
Chandler: What would she get for herself for two thousand dollars that she wouldn't tell me about?
(Woman with huge breasts cuts across them. Takes Joey's coffee)
Woman: Excuse me.
Joey: Boob job.
Monica: I don't want her to get a boob job! That's crazy!
Joey: Well it's...It's not that crazy okay? Making them smaller, that would be crazy.
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment. Phoebe and Mike are packing stuff.]
Mike: Well hey, I wanna ask you about Monica's little "groomy" joke.
Phoebe: Oh! Alright. Well I think the reason people laugh is becuase it's a play on the word roomy.
Mike: I get the joke. Sophisticated as it was. Now the thing I wanna say is... maybe we should have talked about this before.
Us living together, you're not expecting a proposal, right?
Phoebe: Oh no! No no! Not at all. We're just moving in right now. See where it goes.
Mike: Yeah well, that's the thing. For me it's as far as it can ever go.
Phoebe: What do you mean?
Mike: Look. Phoebe, I-I love you. Very much. But I never want to get married again.
Phoebe: Oh. Wow.
Mike: It's just my first marriage was, you know such a disaster. I kind of lost faith in the whole idea.
Phoebe: Was it really that bad?
Mike: At one point near the end she deliberately defecated.....
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Phoebe: Ok, well that's bad. But don't you think it might be different with someone else? Perhaps a blonde who always
uses a toilet. Except for once in the ocean.
Mike: Look it's not about who I would marry. And I was certain the first time I got married it would last forever. And I was
totally wrong!
Phoebe: But it's just...
Mike: Look Phoebe, It's not about you. I just never wanna get married again.
Phoebe: Oh!
Mike: I'm sorry. Are you ok with that? Cause if not...maybe us moving in together isn't the best idea.
Phoebe: No! I definitely don't wanna get married. No I just wanted to make sure you didn't want to too. Whew! Coz you
know when we move in and you start changing your mind there's gonna be hell to pay mister!
Mike: Trust me, I will never...
Phoebe: Yeah I get that.
[Scene: Joey's apartment. Rachel is flipping through magazines. Handyman is installing things. Monica enters.]
Rachel: Hi!
Monica: So you gave in and decided to call someone?
Rachel: Yeah, I don't know who I was kidding. I can barely use chopsticks.
Handyman: You're all set. (picks up his bag and starts to leave)
Rachel: Oh thank you so much. (Picks up the guy's spirit level) Oh oh wait! You forgot your erm...Your game. (hands it to
him)
Handyman: Thanks.....
(Chandler enters)
Chandler: Hey Rach! There she is...My perfectly proportioned wife.
Rachel: Don't look at me I never get his jokes.
Monica: Thank you?
Chandler: Oh no..don't thank me. Thank you. You know there's not one thing I would change about you? Not one single
thing! And definitely not... two... single things.
Monica: Ok, you're being wierd. Do you want sex or did you do something bad?
Chandler: No no! I just love the way you look, I am warm, for your form.
Monica: Ok..You know the old classics you know,You look nice? They're still ok.
Chandler: Well yes yes... You look nice can mean that your face looks nice. I want to compliment your body. I mean..I
wouldn't change it. At all. And more specifically, I wouldn't want anything to get any bigger.
Monica: Okay...
Chandler: I mean, You wouldn't want any part of me to get any bigger would you? Don't answer that.
(He leaves)
Rachel: Just when you thought that dude couldn't get any wierder.
Monica: I know why do you think he was so worried about me getting bigger?
Rachel: I don't know! I mean, what brought that on?
Monica: Oh my god. We're trying to get pregnant so he's probably starting to freak out about the fact that my body is going
to change.
Rachel: No you really think that's what it is?
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Monica: You heard him! "No bigger!" "You're perfect!" "Just don't get any bigger!" Oh my god he sounded just like my high
school wrestling coach. You know what? I'm going to have to talk to Chandler.
Rachel: Yeah! If you don't I will! Of course your body's gonna change. Your breasts are gonna get bigger, your ass is gonna
get bigger, you're gonna lose bladder control. (she starts sobbing) God! It's just such a magical time!
[Scene:Ross's apartment. Phoebe is at the door.]
Phoebe: Hi
Ross: Hey!
Phoebe: Listen, I wanted to ask you something about marriage.
Ross: Oh great now you're seeking me out to make jokes? I mean I can see for all hanging out but to come to my home!
Phoebe: No...I really wanted to know how you feel about it.
Ross: Why?
Phoebe: Mike doesn't ever wanna get married.
Ross: Never?
Phoebe: Never.
Ross: wow, are you still going to move in with him?
Phoebe: I want to, but I just want you to tell me that marriage isn't really that big a deal. You know that I won't, I won't be
missing out on anything. That marriage stinks!
Ross: Yeah, marriage... stinks! I mean if you wanna see a man gain weight and a woman stop shaving? Get them married.
Phoebe: That's not how you really feel is it?
Ross: No, I'm sorry. Look I don't think that's what you wanna hear right now but I can't help it. I love marriage.
Phoebe: Seriously? You divorce-o?
Ross: If you have to call me name, I prefer "Ross the Divorcer". It's just cooler. Look, I know my marriage isn't exactly work
out. But I love to be that committed to another person. And Carol had some good times before she became a lesbian... and
once afterward. I'm sorry.
Phoebe: It's ok that's how you feel.
Ross: But come on! I mean living together will be great! I mean you guys have so much fun and you love Mike.
Phoebe: I do love Mike.
Ross: Yeah see? And you are so excited about moving in together before, and you know what? You should be. It's a big
deal!
Phoebe: Yeah I guess you're right. Yeah thanks. This helped. Thanks.
Ross: The Divorcer, to the rescue!
Phoebe: It's not cooler.
Ross: Yeah I just hurt it.
[Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey enters carrying a tub of ice cream. He sets it on the table, takes off his jacket and struggles
with the drawer. It cannot be opened.]
Joey: Rach?! (He walks over to the fridge to put it in, but it cannot be opened either) Rachel!!!!? (He walks to the bathroom
and tries to lift the toilet seat cover. It won't come up.) So I can't do anything I like????
[Scene: Chandler and Monica's apartment. Chandler enters. Rachel and monica are seated at the table.]
Chandler: Hey Rach! Ah........ Perfection. (kisses monica) Wouldn't change a thing. Not a thing.
Monica: Honey?
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Chandler: Yeah?
Monica: About that? Erm...I'm going to change.
Chandler: But honey you don't have to.
Monica: I'm going to get bigger!
Chandler: Honey I... I love your breasts the way they are!
Rachel: Argh. fascist
Monica: Well, my breasts are going to get bigger weather you like it or not! And you know what? It's not just my breasts.
My ass is going to get bigger too.
Chandler: your ass?!?!?
Rachel: Man, don't be surprised if her hands and her feet get bigger too!
Chandler: They...do that?
Monica: It's kind of a package deal!
Chandler: God why why would you want to do that to yourself!?
Monica: I thought I was something that we both wanted!
Chandler: Alright look, if it means that much to you, a may be able to get on more with the big boobs. But the giant ass and
the big clown feet?
Rachel: Oh my god Chandler! If you can't handle this, what are you going to be like in the hospital? With the blood and the
screaming and the little present that's shooting out of her!?
Chandler: (sedated) What?
[Scene: Joey's apartment. He's prying open the drawer with a crowbar to no avail. Monica, Rachel and Chandler enter.]
Rachel: Joey! Why did you tell Chandler that Monica was getting a boob job?
Joey: Because she is!
Monica: Joey, Chandler knows I borrowed the money.
Joey: Mmmm hmm! For your boob job!
Monica, Rachel, Chandler: It's over/Joe!
Joey: OK so I'm out four thousand dollars and nobody's boobs are getting any bigger?
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment. Ross is helping with the packing, Phoebe and Mike are also there.]
Ross: Hey! What do you guys think about this. "Ross: The Divorce-Force".
Phoebe: Better.
Mike: Very cool.
Ross: Hey Pheebs, you know I'm i'm really glad you came to talk to me the other day and I hope I was a little helpful.
Phoebe: Oh yeah you were helpful! Yeah, no, thanks you.
Ross: Good, good. Yeah coz the more I thought about it, the more I realised I don't think marriage is neccessarily the right
path for you.
Phoebe: What do you mean?
Ross: Well, I know the other day in the coffeehouse you were caught up in the whole soccer mom thing? but is that really
you? I mean can you honestly picture yourself in a Volvo?
Phoebe: They are awfully boxy...
Ross: I don't know you'd be so bored with marriage. I mean it's so... normal.
Phoebe: Uh huh.
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(Chandler, Monica, Joey and Rachel are carrying a couch through the door)
Ross: Hey hey, can I help?
Chandler: Well! We er..climbed up four flights of stairs, manueveored a narrow hallway, dodged a rabid pitbul... but these
last three feet are where it gets really tricky.
Ross: You know sometimes your words... they hurt.
Joey: Hey uh, where do you guys want this?
Rachel: Yeah, seriously coz this is really heavy. (She suddenly lets go) I mean not for me because i'm only pretending to hold
this, but for these guys.
Phoebe: Just one last time erm... the marriage thing... there's no wiggle room? None at all?
Mike: No but... You don't want to get married either right?
Phoebe: Right. Except that I do want to get married.
Joey: (voice strained) Couldn't have this conversation down at the truck huh?
Mike: You wanna get married?
Phoebe: Someday.
Chandler: Aaaaand....... hernia.
Phoebe: I haven't exactly had a normal life and I never really felt I was missing out on anything but it just feels that now it's
my turn some of the regular stuff.
Mike: But if you wanna get married why didn't you say something before?
Phoebe: Because I just didn't know how much I wanted it. And I love you, and I wanted to live with you.
Mike: I want to live with you too! Let's do that!
Phoebe: But I don't think I can! it was ok to move in when I didn't know what was gonna happen, but I can't move in
knowing that nothing is ever gonna happen.
Mike: Can we at least try living together? I mean you might change your mind about marriage.
Phoebe: Are you gonna change yours?
Mike: No.
Phoebe: Me neither. I think I need to be with someone who wants what I want.
Mike: But I don't want this to end.
Phoebe: I don't want it to end either.
Mike: I can't believe this is gonna end. I guess I'll have my stuff packed up.
Phoebe: Yeah.
Mike: Ok... so...(They hug) Goodbye.
Chandler/Joey/Rachel/Monica: Bye bye Mike!/Cya mike!/Bye mike!/Bye bye now!
Rachel: I'm so sorry Pheebs.
Monica: We're all sorry... (They have a group hug)
Chandler: Ah, look on the bright side, I mean you won't have to live with this ugly chair! That was here already huh? I love
you. (they hug again)
Ending Credits
[Scene: Joey's apartment. Joey is struggling with the fridge. He finally gets it open and falls on the floor]
Joey: AH HAH! I DID IT! HA HA! Alright... (He takes a box out, about to close fridge, then thinks.) Better take all I can carry.
Who knows when i'll be able to get in here again!
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End
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Joey: Chandler... hey... (he goes towards his room but he stops near Emma's cot) Rach... what's Hugsy doin' in the crib with
Emma? (he looks puzzled)
Rachel: She was just crawling around and she found him, so I just let her sleep with him. That's all right? Isn't it?
Joey: (still very puzzled) Oh, yeah... of course... yeah... it's a stuffed animal... you know... it's for kids... not for adults... I
know that!
Rachel: Joey... are you sure? I mean, I know how much you love him!
Joey: Rachel... let's be clear on this, ok? I do not love Hugsy. I like him a normal amount...
Rachel: All right... Oh, Emma loves him!
Joey: Why wouldn't she? He's a wonderful person!
[Scene: Central Perk]
Phoebe: Hi.
Monica: Hey Phoebe... how you doin'? You feelin' better?
Phoebe: Breaking up sucks! Oh, I really miss Mike!
Chandler: Oh, I'm so sorry!
Phoebe: Oh God, I tried everything to make myself feel better. I even tried writing a song about it... but... I can't think of
anything that rhymes with AARRGGHH!! (pause) Hey Monica, I really need your help getting through this...
Chandler: You're not gonna need my help?
Phoebe: Well no, when I get to the point where... you know... I'm ready to hear cruel mocking jokes about Mike... I'm
gonna come to you.
Chandler: Oh good, 'cause I've already thought of 3... 4! I've just thought of a fourth (he goes towards the counter)
Phoebe: Ok. I mean I know I did the right thing. You know, Mike never wants to get married and I shouldn't be in a
relationship that has no future... but... pretty soon I'm gonna miss him so much. I'm gonna wanna see him again and you
have to stop me from doing that.
Monica: Ok, you got it!
Phoebe: (after a pause) Unless... Maybe it's too crazy about this... Alright so... you know, there is no future... but that
doesn't mean we still can't have fun. You know what? Forget what I said.
Monica: Really? If that's what you want...
Phoebe: That was a test and you just failed.
Monica: Damn it! Rookie mistake!
(Ross enters and he's really angry. He goes towards Chandler who's sitting at the counter)
Ross: (yelling at Chandler) I have sex with dinosaurs??
Chandler: I believe I read that somewhere!
Ross: That only is not funny, it's physically impossible! Ok? Depending on the species I'd have to have a six foot long...
(pause) It's not funny!!
Chandler: I respectfully disagree.
Ross: I can't believe you put that on my alumni page!
Chandler: Who cares? Nobody reads those things
Ross: You'd better hope not because I just read what you put on your page today.
Chandler: I don't have a page.
Ross: Oh oh oh! I RESPECTFULLY DISAGREE!!
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[Scene: Rachel's room. Rachel and Emma are sleeping; Joey sneaks in and approaches the crib]
Joey: Look at you, all sweet and innocent, sleeping like an angel... with Emma's chubby little hands wrapped around ya. (he
picks up Hugsy) It's okay, Emma, you stay asleep. (Emma cries)
Rachel: (threatening Joey with a scrunchy): Step away from the crib, I have a weapon!
Joey: It's okay, it's okay Rach, it's me. Put down the scrunchy.
Rachel: What are you doing?
Joey: Well, I heard Emma stirring, so I came to make sure she could reach Hugsy.
Rachel: Oh, oh thanks. Alright well, now that I'm up I'm going to go to the bathroom.
Joey: (placing Hugsy back in the crib) There you go sweetie... (to Emma) This isn't over.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's. Chandler is looking at the screen of his laptop, shaking his head.]
Monica: Alright, wait a second, why would Ross tell everyone in your class that you are as... (reads from the screen) "gay as
the day is long"?
Chandler: Because I told everyone he slept with dinosaurs.
Monica: But that's clearly a joke. This could easily be true. (Phone rings)
Chandler: Would you get that please? People have been calling to congratulate me all day.
Monica: (On the phone) Hello? No, he's not here. Yeah, this is his wife. Yeah, well, it came as quite a shock to me too. I
guess I should have known. Yeah, I mean, he just kept making me watch Moulin Rouge.
Chandler: Hang up, hang up. And that was a great movie! (Monica hangs up) I'm so gonna get back at Ross... oh yeah, this
will show him, here we go (starts typing something).
Monica: What are you doing?
Chandler: Oh, you'll see my friend.
[Time lapse, still Chandler and Monica's, but only Chandler is there. Enter Ross]
Ross: (visibly upset) I'm dead?
Chandler: (faking sympathy) And so young.
Ross: Posting that I died? That really isn't funny.
Chandler: Well, how you died was funny.
Ross: Oh please, hit by a blimp?
Chandler: It kills over one americans every year.
Ross: Unbelievable, my classmates are gonna think I'm dead, my professors, my... my parents are gonna get phone calls.
You're messing with people's feelings here.
Chandler: You wanna talk about people's feelings? You should have heard how hurt professor Stern was yesterday when I
told him I wouldn't be able to go with him to Key West!
Ross: You've really crossed the line here, but that's okay, it's ok 'cause I'm on my way to buy some Photoshop software and
a stack of gay porn. That's right! Your coming out is about to get real graphic.
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment]
Phoebe: God, I wish Mike were here.
Monica: Okay if Mike were here what would the two of you be doing?
(Phoebe gives her a meaningful look)
Monica: What are you, animals? It's 4 o'clock in the afternoon!
Phoebe: I gotta call him. Just to talk to him, there's no harm in that.
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Monica: Phoebe, that's how it starts. I don't need to eat the cake, I'll just smell the icing... why don't I just eat a little sliver,
or, okay, just a slice or two. And next thing you know, you're 210 pounds and you get wedged in going down the tunnel
slide. Phoebe, honey, I know this is hard. Look, if you talk to him, you're going to wanna see him. And if you see him, you're
going to want to get back together with him. I know that's not what you want. (pause) Give me your phone.
Phoebe: Here.
Monica: And now your cell.
Phoebe: Okay (she takes a huge, clearly obsolete cellphone she keeps in a closet and gives it to Monica)
Monica: This is your cellphone?
Phoebe: Yes.
Monica: This is your current cellphone?
Phoebe: Yes, it reminds me of a simpler time.
Monica: Phoebe, where's your purse?
(They run for Phoebe's purse, Phoebe gets there first and takes the cell. Monica tries to take it away from her)
Monica: No, no! Give it to me!
Phoebe: You can't have it.
Monica: Give it to me!
Phoebe: No (tucks it in her pants)
Monica: I'll go in there.
Phoebe: (disbelievingly) Oh yeah.
Monica: Phoebe come here
(they fight a little, the phone falls and Monica picks it up)
Monica: Haha!
Phoebe: Damn you Monica Geller hyphen Bing!
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's. Enter Joey]
Joey: Hey, look who's here! It's Joey, and he brought home a friend.
Rachel: Joey, Emma's right here! You promised not to bring girls home in the middle of the day anymore.
Joey: No, no, it's not a girl, it's... a brand new Hugsy!
Rachel: Oh that's so great, now Emma has two Hugsy's.
Joey: No, no, Emma has one Hugsy, the new Hugsy, huh? The other Hugsy, I don't know, I guess I'll just take it back.
Rachel: Oh you know what? When I was a little girl I had a little pink pony named Cotton. Oh I loved her so much, I took her
everywhere, I would braid her tail...
Joey: Make the transfer! (She does so)
Rachel: Should I be concerned that a button fell off the old Hugsy and I can't find it?
Joey: Oh, no don't worry about that, I swallowed that years ago.
(Emma cries)
Rachel: Oh, I don't think she likes the new Hugsy.
Joey: But he's the same.
Rachel: Yeah, I think she wants the old one back.
Joey: But he's the same.
Rachel: Joey, come on!
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Rachel: (yelling) Joey, there is a reason that Emma loves that stupid penguin so much (Joey covers Hugsy's ears) Oh don't
cover its ears! (stops yelling) It's because it reminds her of her uncle Joey!
Joey: It does?
Rachel: Yeah! And she's comforted by him because she loves her uncle Joey so much.
Joey: Really? She... she loves me?
Rachel: Oh yeah! But you know what? If you need Hugsy, don't worry. Emma will totally understand. I won't... but whatever
(She leaves the room).
Joey: Ok, wait wait wait wait a minute wait a minute, I mean Rach, I mean if if... . If Hugsy means that much to Emma then...
well she can have him.
Rachel: Oooh... you're sweet, I knew uncle Joey would step up. (Turns to face Emma in the the playpen) Look Emma, look
who's baaack!
Joey: Look forget it forget it... I can't do it.
Rachel: Are you gonna... you're going to take Hugsy away from a little child?
Joey: How do you think I got him in the first place?
[Scene: Phoebe's apartment: Phoebe, Monica and Mike sitting on the couch]
(Monica is getting up from the couch)
Monica: Alright you two, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Now I don't want anything going on while I'm gone. Here's a few
things you can discuss: mucus, fungus and the idea of me and Ross doing it.
Mike: I've missed you so much! No, I'm not gonna ask you to get back together because I know we want different things,
but just to be with you one more night.
Phoebe: I know, I want that too, but IS that going to make it too hard?
Mike: It can't be any harder than this... I mean, If I had known the last time I saw you would be the last time, I... I would
have stopped to memorize your face, the way you move, everything about you. If I had known the last time I kissed you
would have been the last time... I never would have stopped.
Monica: (running back into the room) Kiss him, you fool!!
Phoebe: What?
Monica: Didn't you hear that speech? If you don't kiss him then I will!
Phoebe: Oh, I missed you so much! (she kisses Mike)
Strange man: (he bounds into the house) I knew you'd be here!
Mike: Oh, crap!
Phoebe: Who is this?
Mike: My friend Manny. I asked him to keep me away from you.
Monica: Hi, that's what I'm doing for Phoebe!
Manny: Well, you are not doing a very good job!
Monica: Excuse me?
Manny: What's with the kissing?
Monica: Hey, at least I knew where my guy was.
Manny: Oh yeah yeah, thank God you were here to oversee all the kissing!
Monica: You didn't hear the speech!
Manny: I've heard the speech: (in a mocking voice) "if he knew it was gonna be the last time he saw her... "
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Ross: Yes, you're right. Still somebody must have seen it... I mean, I went to that school for 4 years, I didn't have an impact
on anyone?
Chandler: Oh, that's not true. You had an impact on me, I mean, it's 15 years later and we're still best friends. Doesn't that
count for something?
Ross: (sceptical) Yeah...
(someone knocks on the door) Oh, great. More party boys for Chandler!
Chandler: I'm sure it's somebody for you. Now, go hide. (Ross hides in the bedroom again)
(Chandlers opens the door. A beautiful woman stands at the doorway.)
Kori: Hi. I'm here for Ross Geller's memorial service.
Chandler: Kori? Kori Weston?
Kori: Yeah...
Chandler: Wow! You look amazing!
Kori: And you are...
Chandler: Chandler, Chandler Bing. I'm not gay, I'm not gay at all.
Monica: You are married though.
Chandler: Don't listen to him, he's in a really bad mood! (lets her in)
Kori: I can't believe that Ross is gone. It is just so sad.
Chandler: I didn't know Ross and you were so close.
Kori: We weren't but we had one class together. He was such a great guy and he talked so passionately about science. I
always remembered him.
Chandler: I'm sure that would mean a lot to him. And if heaven has a door, I'm sure he's pressing his ear up against it and
listening intently.
Kori: I thought so many times about calling him and asking him out. I guess I really missed my chance.
Ross: (he bounds into the lounge room) But you didn't! I'm still alive!! Kori, I know this is a big surprise for you. It's a long
story but the things you just said really made my day! I mean, the fact that you are here means more to me than if this
room were filled with people!
Kori: You sick freak, who does that? I can't believe I had a crush on you! (she leaves and slams the door behind her)
Ross: Did you hear that? Kori Weston had a crush on me!!
Ending Credits
[Scene: Ross' apartment]
Ross: (on the phone) No Mum, I'm not dead. I know it's not something to kid about. It was just a practical joke between
Chandler and me, but it's over, ok? (pause) Actually no, even if I had died, you would not be left childless. (pause) Monica?
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[Scene: Central Perk - Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, Ross and Rachel are sitting on the sofas. Joey enters]
Joey: Monica, hey, can I borrow the Porsche?
Monica: Ok.
Joey: Alright!
Monica: But ehm...what is it not?
Joey: (abashed) A place to entertain my lady friends.
Monica: And what else is it not?
Joey: (even more abashed) A place to eat spaghetti.
Monica: Very good! (Gives him the keys) What do you need it for anyway?
Joey: Oh well, the powerball lottery is upto 300 million and they don't sell tickets here in New York, so...
Rachel: Oh! So you're driving up to Connecticut?
Joey: (hesitates for a moment)Yeah Connecticut...Not West Virginia.
Monica: Hey, maybe I'll drive you up there! I'd like to buy some tickets myself!
Joey: Uh!
Monica: Yeah with Chandler not getting paid, we could really use 300 million dollars.
Chandler: Yeah, because if I was at my old job we'd say 300 million? No thank you!
Phoebe: Hey will you get me tickets too?
Rachel: Yeah me too. oh! I have an idea. Why don't we all pitch in 50 bucks, we'll pool our money together and then if we
win, we'll split it!
Everyone almost simultaneously except Ross: yeah thats a great idea!
Ross: No thanks!
Phoebe: You don't wanna win the lottery?
Ross: (in a mocking voice)Uh...sure I do, and I also wanna be King of my own country and find out what happened to Amelia
Earhart.
Chandler: Still on Amelia Earhart?
Ross: The woman just vanished!
Joey: Seriously, Ross, you don't want in on this?
Ross: No! Do you know what your odds are of winning the lottery? I...I mean you have a better chance of being struck by
lightning 42 times.
Chandler: Yes but there's six of us so we'd only have to get struck by lightning 7 times.
Joey: I like those odds!
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Ross: Seriously you guys, I can't believe you're going to spend 250 dollars on the lottery, I mean that's such a bunch of
boohaki.
Chandler: (looking around at the others)I'll ask. (To Ross) Boohaki?
Ross: Oh oh, we think Emma is about to start talking so we're trying to be careful about what words we use in front of her.
Rachel: Yeah so get ready to hear alot of ehm...boohaki, goshdarnit and brotherpucker.
Monica: How do you know she's gonna start talking?
Rachel: Well when I talk to her I almost feel like she understands what I'm saying.
Chandler: Kinda like Joey.
Joey: (who wasn't paying attention)What's that now?
Opening credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment. Monica, Chandler, Rachel and Joey are in the kitchen]
Monica: God! Look at all these tickets! It's so exciting! You know I haven't won anything since the sixth grade.
Chandler: Pie eating contest?
Monica: Oh! You assume because I was heavy that's the only way I could win something?
Chandler: No, I saw a picture of you covered in blueberries.
Monica: (smiling)That was a good day!
(Suddenly Ross comes running into the apartment)
Ross: (yelling to Monica)They're towing your car, they're towing your car!!
Monica: I'm parked in a garage on Morton!
Ross: (panting)They're towing a car. And I am seeing...spots.
Joey: (sounding panicky)Oh my god Ross! You don't have Emma! And Rachel you don't have Emma! (Starts yelling) Where's
Emma? Who has Emma!?
Rachel: Joey relax! My mother picked her up two hours ago. You were there!
Joey: (not yelling anymore)I was?
Racel: Yes and you talked to her...
Joey: I did?
Rachel: She dropped off a casserole?
Joey: Oh yeah! The casserole lady.
Monica: (to Ross)So, did you come by to watch us win the big bucks?
Ross: Yeah, uh... and then I figured after you win, we could all go out to the balcony and see a night rainbow with gremlins
dancing on top of it!
(phone starts ringing and Chandler comes running out of the bathroom)
Chandler: (hysterical)Don't touch the phone! I'll get it, I'll get it, I'll get it!! (picks up the phone)
Ross: (to Monica)Think he washed his hands?
Chandler: (into receiver)Hello? Hey Charlie, what do you know?
Rachel: (to Monica)What's going on?
Monica: Chandler is supposed to find out if he's getting an assistent job at his ad agency. But out of the 15 interns, they are
only hiring three.
Joey: Ooh! Tough odds!
Ross: (mockingly)Yeah if only it were a sure thing like your 24 state lottery!
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Rachel: Oh, I know, I know, the odds are against us, but somebody has to win, and it could be us! And then how you gonna
feel? You know, we're gonna be all like "oh everybody, let's take our helicopters up to the cape" and you're gonna be all like
"oh, I can't guys, I'll meet you guys up there, I gotta gas up the Hyundai"
Ross: Ok, I've heard myself on tape and I sound nothing like that.
Chandler: I can see the headline now: "Lottery winners' friend filled with regret eats own arm".
Ross: Why would I eat my own arm?
Chandler: Well you wouldn't, but we own the paper, we can print whatever we want.
Monica: You know what, Ross? I'm gonna throw in 50 bucks for you.
Ross: Why?
Monica: Because I know that you think the lottery is "boohaki" but we're all here and gonna watch the numbers and have
fun. And you're my brother, and I want you to be a part of this.
Ross: You don't have to do that, I'll pay for myself. But just the fact that you want me to have fun with you guys - that's so
sweet! Come here (they kiss and hug)
Phoebe: Get a room!
Chandler: Ok, so now that you're in, what are you gonna do if we win?
Ross: I don't know, probably just invest it.
Chandler: Ooh! Calm down ...
Joey: Seriously, that's your fantasy? To invest it?
Ross: Oh, I'm sorry, did I say "invest it"? I meant "be cool and piss it all away" (Joey and Chandler pleased)
Joey: Ooh, ooh, I know! We should pool all own money and buy the Knicks!
Rachel: I don't really care about the Knicks.
Joey: Oh, you will when I pick you as starting forward.
Rachel: (touched) You would do that? I never get picked!
Chandler: You know, I'm not sure a sports team is the way to go.
Joey: You're not gonna let me buy the Knicks?? I can't believe you're taking this away from me!
Chandler: You're right, it has been you dream for over 15 seconds.
Ross: (to Rachel) Uh, how long until they announce the numbers, Mommy?
(pause)
Chandler: (looks around) I'll take this one too (to Ross) Uh ... Mommy?
Ross: Oh, I've gotten into the habit of calling Rachel "Mommy" when we're around Emma. Which I now realize we are not ...
Rachel: I'm hoping that if she hears it enough it will be her first word.
Ross: Although if we're gonna do that, we should probably call me "Daddy" too.
Phoebe: Oooh, I like that, "daddy" (in a sexy tone)
Ross: I ... I was just talking about Rachel.
Phoebe: (still in sexy tone) Oooh, is daddy getting angry? Is daddy gonna spank me?
Ross: (tries to be sexy too) Well that depends ... have you been a baaad gi .. (stops) no I can't.
(Phone rings, Chandler picks up)
Chandler: Hello? Hello? Oh, hey Charlie. Did anybody else hear? ... What? Susan got it?? How? Oh man, I would have slept
with him!! .. Alright, bye. (hangs up)
Joey: Dude, I'm sorry. But hey, there's one spot left, right?
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Rachel: All right, believe me.If you win the lottery, it's the last you're gonna hear from us!
Monica: Fine! Don't be my friends! I'll buy new friends! Yeah, and then I'll pay for their plastic surgery so they'd look just
like you!
Rachel: (surprised) OH! Alright, you know what? That's it! I want my share of the tickets (picks up the bowl)!
Joey: Yeah, I want my tickets too (takes the bowl from Rachel)! And I'm buying the Knicks! And Steffi Graff, ah ah!
Ross: Than I want mine, too (takes the bowl from Joey)! And if I win I'm gonna put it all into a very low-yield bond.
Phoebe: Oh, you guys! We've got to keep all the tickets together (takes the bowl from Ross and puts it on the table)
Monica: No, no! We should divide them up (picks up the bowl) and I should get extra because we used my card to buy
them!
Joey: Hey, if anybody gets extra tickets, it should be me! This all thing was my idea! (takes the bowl from Monica)
Chandler: Oh, yeah! Thanks for inventing the lottery!
Rachel: Ok, that's it! Just give'em to me! I'll split them up! (she tries to snatch the bowl from Joey's hands but she can't, so
she pinches his nipple and she manages to take it)
Joey: (in pain) Oh!
Phoebe: (she takes the bowl from Rachel's hands and she starts running around the room and yelling) OOOOOHHHHH!
Ross: (trying to stop her) Hey, hey!!
Phoebe: (keeping on running and yelling) OOOOOHHHHH! (she stops) Fine, I can't take it anymore! I'm putting an end to
this! (she goes out to the balcony)
Rachel: Oh, if she jumps, I get her tickets.
Joey: No, no! (they all go towards the balcony but they get jammed in the window)
Phoebe: If we are not doing it together, we're not doing it at all! So, say goodbye to your tickets! (She holds out the bowl,
and makes as to drop the tickets on the street).
Everyone: NO!!
Phoebe: Don't come any closer!
Chandler: Can I come a little bit closer, valuable things are getting squished...
Phoebe: No, what's more important, your friends or money?
Everyone but Monica: Friends!
Monica: Money! (they all look at her) Friends...
Phoebe: Hey Monica, what about your extra tickets?
Monica: They're all in there! Even these five that I hid in my bra (takes some tickets out of her bra and gives them to
Phoebe)...
Ross: Monica!
Phoebe: Ok, good! (pause) You guys were so scared! There was no way I was gonna dump this...(a pigeon swoops down,
scaring Phoebe who drops the bowl on the street) Oh God, no! (pause) I think I broke your bowl.
Ross: Go, go, go!!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment.]
(All are returning from the street after picking up dropped lottery tickets)
Phoebe: What a beautiful night to be running around the street, looking for tickets. And the wind sure made it fun.
Monica: Phoebe, we lost half of them.
Phoebe: So, what? Monica, we have the winning ticket! My psychic said I was gonna win, remember?
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Ross: Weird.. your psychic didn't mention anything about the scary pigeon...
Phoebe: As a matter of fact she said that's how I am going to die. (pause ) So, excuse me for being a little skittish.
Chandler: (looking at the answering machine) Hey, there's two messages. These could be from work!
Monica: Oh, play them!
Chandler: Ok, here we go! (he pushes the play button)
Message: (Phoebe's voice) "Hello. Th-this is the pigeon from the balcony calling to apologise" (they all turns to look at
Phoebe) "I sh.. I shouldn't have knocked the tickets out of the pretty lady's hand. It-it was all my fault. Not hers. Bye. Coo."
(they all keep staring at Phoebe)
Phoebe: Well, I bet that was very hard for him to do.
Second message: "Hey Chandler, it's Charlie"
Chandler: This is..shhh!
Second Message: "Listen, oh... it turns I got the last spot. I'm really sorry man, it was a lot of fun working with you. Give me
a call if you want."
Monica: Oh God, I am so sorry honey...
All: Oh, so sorry man! Sorry!
Rachel: Oh, it is so unfair. It's like that time they promoted Sandra over me at work.
Chandler: Oh, is she related to Ralph Lauren?
Rachel: No, she was just much better at job than me!
Phoebe: Guys, the drawing is about to start!
Rachel: (To Ross) You know what? We should call my mum's house and say goodnight to Emma before she goes down.
Ross: Oh yeah, it's a good idea!
Monica: (she hugs Chandler) Honey, you've been really strong about this, I know how badly you wanted that job.
Chandler: Yeah, you know, I really thought I deserved it. (pause) But... let's go win the lottery... I mean, we still have 130
chances to win, right?
Monica: (she draws out a ticket from a pocket of her pants) 131! (they kiss)
Ross: (on the phone) Goodnight sweetheart! I love you. And remember, you're daddy's little girl... (covering the phone, to
Rachel) Phoebe's totally ruined that for me... (he passes the receiver to Rachel)
Rachel: Hi mum, put her back on!
Joey: (sitting on the sofa in front of the tv) Rach, come on! They are announcing the numbers! My God, I can already feel
myself changing.
TV: "Here we are, the official Powerball numbers! We have 53"
Chandler: I got that!
Ross: Oh, we have one too!!
Monica: We are on a roll, people!!
Ross: (calling Rachel) Come on!!
Rachel: (on the phone) Mum, please!I know you love your new lips, but I can barely understand you! Would you, please,
just let me say goodnight to my daughter?
TV: "And number 29! Here we go! The Powerball is 7"
Monica: Check your numbers! Make me rich!
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Rachel: (she goes towards the others and she's very excited) Guys, you're not gonna believe this! I was just saying
goodnight to Emma and she said her first words!!
All: Wow!
Joey: And what did she say?
Rachel: She said "gleba"!! (she celebrates)
(they just look at her for a moment; then they go back to checking the tickets)
Monica: Make me rich!!
Rachel: (to Ross) Isn't that amazing?
Ross: Oh yeah, no no no...that's great!
Rachel: Why-why aren't you more excited?
Ross: Oh, Rach...oh..."gleba" is not a word.
Rachel: Oh, but of course it is!
Ross: Okay, what does it mean?
Rachel: I don't know all the words.
Ross: I'm just, I'm just glad I didn't miss my daughter's first words (goes back to checking the tickets).
Ross: Yes you did, gleba is a word!
Ross: Ok, use it in a sentence.
Rachel: Ok... "Emma just said gleba"!
Ross: It's not a word!
Rachel: Okay, okay, okay, fine, I'm gonna look it up (she goes and picks up the dictionary).
Ross: Oh, oh, ok, great. You know what, while you're at it she said another word the other day, why don't you, why don't
you look up: pbbqqt....
(Rachel glares at him)
Rachel: (searching the dictionary) Alright, okay, okay, gleba, gleba... (excited) Gleba! Ha! Here it is: the fleshy, spore-bearing
inner mass of a certain fungi.
(Rachel shows Ross the definition on the dictionary, giving him a smug look; then she squints at the dictionary, as though
unsure what to make out of it)
Ross: She's gonna be a scientist! (kisses Rachel on the head, very moved)
Joey: (checking the last ticket) Damnit! anybody got anything?
Chandler: No.
Phoebe: I'm still looking through mine...
Monica: Just double checking (does so)...no, no, no...(takes off a shoe and takes a ticket out of it) No!
(phone rings)
Monica: (answering phone) Hello? Hold on. It's your boss.
Chandler: Ah, the "I'm sorry I rejected you" phone call. I'm not used to getting it from guys. (on the phone, getting up from
the sofa) Hey, Steve.
Steve: Chandler, hi! I'm sure you've heard we filled the three positions. We just felt that with your maturity and experience,
you wouldn't be happy being someone's assistant.
Chandler: Oh no no no no, I'd love to be somebody's assistant! Answering phones, getting coffee, I live for that stuff! And
I'm not too mature... farts, boobies, butt cracks!
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Steve: Chandler, you were the strongest person in the program. We're offering you the position of junior copywriter.
Chandler: Me, that guy who just said butt cracks?
Steve: Yes, that's right. We're excited about the level of sophistication you'll be bringing to the job.
Chandler: Ok well, thanks, you won't regret it. I'll see you tomorrow (hangs up).
(he idly goes to the sofa, starts browsing a magazine. Everybody stares at him)
Chandler: What? (pause) Oh, yeah, I'm gonna be a junior copywriter.
Everybody: (excited) Oh my God, congratulations!
Monica: Oh sweetie, I'm so proud of you!
Chandler: Does that mean I get the good loving tonight?
Monica: You bet! No TV or anything! (she gets up from the sofa and goes to the kitchen area)
Joey: (to Chandler) Hey, that is so great about the job.
Chandler: Thanks, man.
Joey: And I like to think I had a little something to do with it.
Chandler: Really? What?
Joey: Well, before, with the wishbone... I didn't wish we would win the lottery, I wished you'd get the job.
Chandler: (smiling, surprised) Oh yeah? (looks towards the kitchen, worried) Listen, don't tell Monica, she'll rip your heart
right out.
Joey: Oh yeah.
Rachel: You know what? There is a little part of me that really thought we were gonna win.
Ross: Me too. So much for my dinosaur/Amelia Earhart theme park.
Phoebe: You guys, what was the Powerball number again?
Monica and Ross: Seven.
Phoebe: We won.
Rachel: What?
Phoebe: We won!
Monica: Let me see!
(they all jump up excitedly and try to see the ticket)
Phoebe: Don't tear it.
Ross: Phoebe, you don't have any of the first five numbers.
Phoebe: I know that, but look, we've got the Powerball number, we've won 3 dollars!
Chandler: Wow, you'd think we should get that over 20 years or go for the big payout.
Phoebe: (still very excited) I don't care, I've never won anything before, I can't believe this!
Rachel: So Pheebs, what are you going to do with your $3?
Phoebe: It's not all mine. We all get 50 cents.
Monica: You know what? You can have mine.
Chandler: Me too.
Joey: Me too.
Rachel: Me too.
(they all look at Ross)
Ross: I guess if everybody else is...
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Closing credits
[Scene: Central Perk. They're all sitting there as usual, except Joey. Gunther is serving a nearby table.]
(Joey comes in from the back of the coffee house)
Joey: (sitting in a chair) Hey guys, so I just called the Powerball hotline, can you believe it? Nobody won.
Phoebe: I beg to differ (shows him her cup of coffee and her plate of cookies).
Gunther: Maybe nobody won the jackpot, but there was this guy in here earlier, and he found the ticket on the street, right
outside, and won $10,000 (goes to the counter).
(They all glare evilly at Phoebe)
Phoebe: (hides her mouth behind the cup and speaks in the "pigeon voice" from before) Coo, again. Don't blame the pretty
lady. It was not her fault. It was me, the pigeon, coo! (pause) Seriously, stop staring at her.
(Joey stares around dumbly looking for the "talking pigeon")
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Chandler: What? No, I'm taking Monica to a romantic inn in Vermont (shows them a brochure)!
Phoebe: Oh, good!Ok, good for you!Try to recapture the magic!
Chandler: So, what do you say? Can you get out of work?
Monica: Oh, honey!I can't. I was just telling these guys that things are crazy at the restaurant!
Chandler: Are you really that busy?
Monica: Yeah, I'm sorry. I really am.
Chandler: Oh, that's ok.I'll just try and reschedule. (on the phone) "Hi, this is Chandler Bing. I made a reservation there and I
need to change it (pause) Oh, what do you mean it's not refundable? Can I just come some other time? (pause) Oh, can't
you make an exception?"
Monica: Tell them I'm a chef in a big New York restaurant!
Phoebe: And tell them that in 2 weeks I will once again be a masseuse in good standing!
Chandler: (on the phone) "Look, this is ridiculous! I'm not paying for that room! Ok?" (pause) "Oh, thank you very much!"
(hangs up) Yeah, I'm going to Vermont...
Ross: Oh, don't worry about it! Just use your travel insurance.
Chandler: I don't have travel insurance.
Ross: Well, this is what happens when people live on the edge!
Monica: Why don't you take Ross?
Ross: Uh, don't you think that would be a little weird? I mean, two guys in a romantic inn...
Monica: No, not if their room has two beds!
Ross: (browsing the brochure) I guess...It still seems a little...(enthusiastically) moonlight boat ride!!
[Scene: Days of Our Lives' Studios]
Rachel: Hey Joey, is this the bed where Olivia lost her virginity?
Joey: I don't know, but one of the extras sure did! (pause) Hey, listen Rach. Thanks again for coming down to watch my
scenes!
Rachel: Oh, please!Honey, just the fact that you want me here to support you, I'm...OH MY GOD!Is that Christian
Sanders?He's so gorgeous!
Joey: Also so gay!
Rachel: Oh, in my head he's done some pretty "not-gay-stuff"!
Joey: Well, at the Christmas party him and Santa did some definitely gay stuff!
Director: Joey, Joey! We're ready for you!
Joey: Oh, wish me luck!
Rachel: Ok, not that you need it but good...GOD!Is that Chase Lassiter?He's straight, right?
Joey: Rach, I gotta say...if you weren't here wondering if these guys were gay I don't know if I could do this!
Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry, you're right.I'm sorry, good luck! (they hug)
Director: On a bell please! Quietly.. and ACTION!
(the scene starts.Joey enters and there's a girl wearing a wedding dress near a bed)
Actress/Olivia: Drake! What are you doing in here?
Joey/Drake: Stopping you from marrying the wrong man and making the biggest mistake of your life.
Actress/Olivia: Get out!
Joey/Drake: You don't love him!
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Chandler: I think I know what you mean though...the lamp is the hotel's, but the bulbs (goes to take the bulb)...oh, you
already got that.
Ross: Not my first time in a hotel, my friend.
Chandler: Ok, how about this (picks up the remote control)?
Ross: No, no, no, you can't take the remote control!
Chandler: Yes, but the batteries...
(Ross claps his hands)
Chandler: Thank you, thank you very much!
Ross: Let's celebrate with some maple candy!
Chandler: No!
Ross: At least tell me where you hid it.
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Rachel are sitting on the sofa]
Rachel: Can I ask you a question?
Monica: Yeah.
Rachel: Have you ever had any weird romantic dreams?
Monica: Let me think. Oh, when I was younger I used to dream that I got married to Mayor McCheese, and on our wedding
night I ate his head.
Rachel: Ok, well this is like that...in no way. I had a...I had a dream last night that I wanted to kiss Joey.
Monica: Wow, do you mean like kiss him-kiss him?
Rachel: Oh yeah! I mean, that was pretty intense.
Monica: What do you think brought than on?
Rachel: I don't know! I mean, maybe that's something to do with the fact that I saw him do a love scene yesterday.
Monica: A love scene? With who?
Rachel: Olivia.
Monica: Olivia? I thought she was marrying Connor! (pause) Oh right, real life more important.
Rachel: So do you think that my dream means anything?
Monica: I don't know. I mean, you saw him do a love scene, so maybe you don't have a thing for Joey, maybe you have a
thing for Drake.
Rachel: Ah! Well it was Joey reading Drake's lines in the dream...
Monica: Of course it was! Trust me, when it comes to psychology I know what I'm talking about. I took two psych classes in
college.
Rachel: You took the same class twice.
Monica: It was hard!
(Phoebe comes in)
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel and Monica: Hi.
Phoebe: Here, Monica, look what I got to wear when I play at the restaurant (she dons a top hat) uh, huh wait! (she raises a
pair of spectacles to her eyes) Right? I mean, this might even class up the ballad of the uncircumcised man.
Monica: Oh...Phoebe? Maybe I wasn't clear before. I really love listening to your music here, but my restaurant is sort of an
upscale place.
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Phoebe: Right, yeah, ok, I'll ask the butler to fetch my diamonds out of the vault.
Monica: Phoebe, it's not what you wear. It's sort of your songs... I just don't think you should play at the restaurant
anymore.
Phoebe: Oh, ok. Fine, I'll just, I'll take the hat back (she puts the hat in a bag and she crushes it angrily on the floor with her
foot).
(silence)
Rachel: Hey, so you guys, the funniest thing happened, at work...
Phoebe: My songs aren't good enough for your restaurant?
Rachel: Ok, we're still on that.
Monica: I didn't say your songs were not good enough.
Phoebe: Then what's wrong with them? Would they not go with your tiny portions of pretentious food?
Monica: Tiny portions?
Phoebe: Yeah well, "excuse me, I ordered the smoked salmon appetizer, but (peering through her spectacles) I can't see it, I
can't see it"!
Monica: Phoebe, it's not about quantity.
Phoebe: Well...it's not about quality.
Monica: Oh really, you want to talk about quality? Have you heard of a key? It's what some people sing in.
Phoebe: Well at least all my songs don't taste like garlic. Yeah, there are other ingredients Monica.
Monica: Ok, so that's what we're doing. You know, when I'm in the coffee house bopping along to one of your songs, I'm
wearing ear plugs.
Phoebe: Ear plugs, or cloves of garlic?
Monica: You know what? I take back what I said before. You keep playing at the restaurant, because with your music
driving people inside, my bar sales are going up like crazy.
Phoebe: What are people having, the garlic Martini?
[Scene: Hotel's reception]
Receptionist: Here's your copy of the bill, we hope you enjoyed your stay.
Chandler: Oh we did, and you still have all your lamps.
(the receptions is puzzled. She goes in the back.)
Chandler: Oh, I didn't factor in the room tax.
Ross: Oh dude, don't worry about it, I found an unattended maid's car. We're way ahead of the game.
(they make as if to go, but Ross notices something)
Ross: Oh my god.
Chandler: What?
Ross: There's something new in the bowl.
Chandler: Look, we have enough, just walk away.
Ross: No, but I want...I want the pinecones!
Chandler: There's a forest right outside.
Ross: It's not the same.
Chandler: Ok, go quick!
(Ross starts stuffing pinecones in the suitcase. As the receptionist walks in, Chandler makes a bird's verse and Ross stops)
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Rachel: uh-huh
Joey: And I couldn't find this little plastic thing (holds up plastic thing) that goes on top of the blender...and I thought...well...
how important can that be, right...? Turns out very!
Rachel: (to herself) Wow...definitely just Drake...
Joey: What?
Rachel: What...how is it going with Drake?
Joey: Oh...I don't think it's going very well...
Rachel: What...that scene I saw was so good!
Joey: Well, I'm feeling really insecure about the one we are shooting tomorrow...
Rachel: Joey, is this that thing that you do when you say you're bad so I'll give you a compliment?
Joey: A little. Yeah no, I really am worried, you know, I mean I have to make it convincing that I'm in love with Olivia.
Rachel: So?
Joey: So...I've never played that!
Rachel: Ooh! Honey, it can't be that hard, I mean, you've been in love before?
Joey: Uh...well...just once...with you...
Rachel: Ok...this could be a little awkward...I'm just going to blow past it... well can't you just use that method actor thing
where you use your real life memories to help you in your performance?
Joey: (looks at her for a moment) What the hell are you talking about??
Rachel: (shakes her head) Alright, alright look, just uh... just try to remember how you felt when you were in love, and think
about that when you're playing the scene.
Joey: (approvingly) Oh! ok, yeah, I think I can do that. Yeah ok, there's this party scene coming up.. and Olivia and her
husband are there and all Drake wants to do is grab her and kiss her, but he can't... And that makes me think about all those
times when I wanted to grab you and kiss you, but you didn't know so I would just pretend everything was cool, but really,
it was killing me.
Rachel: (looks touched) Joey, you never..you never talked about that before...
Joey: Well.. hey, you know what else I could use? There's a scene where Drake sneaks into Olivia's bedroom, and she
doesn't know he's there - which never happened with us! And he knows he shouldn't be there, but he just wants to look at
her... you know? (In a romantic voice) And I remember all those mornings before you even put on your make-up, when I
would think to myself, my God, she...is... beautiful... (Rachel looks very moved) and it hurts so much, cuz I knew I could
never tell you (pauses, while looking at her with sentiment) but it was worth it just to be there looking at you.
(Joey and Rachel continue to look at each other in silence for a while)
Joey: (excited) Thanks dude!!!This is GREAT!! (leaves Rachel very touched on the couch and goes into his room)
Closing credits
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartement, Monica is at the kitchen table writing something and Chandler enters kitchen
area]
Chandler: I got you something from Vermont! (Sits down at the table)
Monica: (without looking up from what she's doing) Besides tampons and salt? (Then looks) Ooh! My God! Maple candy!
That's so sweet of you. (Opens the box) That's weird...it's empty!
(Then Ross enters)
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Ross: (sounds excited) Hi you guys! what's going on, you... you guys wanna hang out...or...? (Looks around the room
nervously) do you...do you guys hear a buzzing?
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Charlie: And, by the way, I really enjoyed your paper on the connection between geographic isolation and rapid
mutagenesis.
Ross: Oh, ha, I wrote that in one minute.
Monica: (to chandler) Twenty bucks says they're married within the month.
Ross: (hitting Monica with his suitcase) (to Charlie) We should probably get going, you know, we got a lot of ground to
cover.
Charlie: Oh, ah, isn't there another professor that is supposed to come with us?
Ross: I don't think so.
Charlie: I'm pretty sure, professor Spafford from Cornell?
Ross: Oh, well he's obviously late and the rule in my class is "if you can't come on time, then don't come at all". (pause) An
option that many of my students use. (pause) Shall we?
Charlie: You don't think we should wait for him?
Ross: You know what, he's a big boy, I'm sure he'll find us, ok?
Professor Spafford: Professor Geller?
Ross: Oh, damn it!
[Scene: Joey's apartment]
(Rachel enters the room and checks the answering machine)
Jane: (from the answering machine) Hi Joey it's Jane Rogers, can't wait for your party tonight. Listen, I forgot your address,
can you give me a call? Thanks, bye.
Joey: (entering the room) Hey!
Rachel: Hey!
Joey: What's happenin'?
Rachel: Yeah, it's a real shame you can't make it to that one-woman show tonight.
Joey: Oh, I'd love to, but I gotta get up so early the next day and so, you know me, work comes first
Rachel: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah... (she plays the answering machine)
Message: "Hi Joey, it's Jane Rogers can't wait for your party tonight" (Joey's upset and stops it)
Joey: (yelling) Stupid Jane Rogers!!
Rachel: (angry) You are having a party tonight??
Joey: Kinda have a... a thing for the Days Of Our Life's people.
Rachel: And you weren't going to tell us? How did you think you were gonna get away with that?
Joey: I do it every year.
Rachel: You do that every year??
Joey: I didn't have to tell you that!! I'm stupider than Jane Rogers!!
Rachel: Oh, that's why you got these tickets to that play, to get rid of us??
Joey: Yeah...
Rachel: And last year is that why you sent us to that medieval times restaurant?
Joey: Yeah...
Rachel: OH! And the year before that, when you set up that nighttime tour of that button factory?
Joey: (Smiling) I can't believe you guys went for that one!
Rachel: Joey, why wouldn't you invite us to your parties?
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Joey: You're fine, ok? But everyone else acts like an idiot around famous people!
Rachel: Well, then so you just invite me...!
Joey: (speaking aloud) Please, I was trying to be nice, you're the worst one!
Rachel: Oh, Joey, come on! Please, please! Let me come, I will behave, I promise! I will behave! Please, please, please...
Joey: Ok, ok! Fine! You can come, but don't tell anybody else. It's up on the roof at 8.
Rachel: (yelling and jumping like a child) OH, a soap opera roof party!! I'm going to a soap opera roof party!! Oh my God, oh
my God!! (realizing how she's behaving) And it's out of my system!
[Scene: Ross, Charlie and Professor Spafford are sitting at the table in a restaurant]
Professor Spafford: (speaking very slowly) And then my wife and I went on a cruise to the Galapagos. There was a sea food
buffet you wouldn't believe. There were clams, and mussels, and oysters, and cracked crab, and snow crab, and king crab.
It's a pity I'm allergic to shellfish.
Ross: (very bored, he tries to avoid the conversation speaking to Charlie) So, where did you get your undergraduate
degree?
Professor Spafford: And that's not all I'm allergic to.
Ross: (to Charlie) Oh, it's not over!
Professor Spafford: I'm also allergic to peanuts, and cashews, and almonds, and filberts...
Ross: So basically all nuts?
Professor Spafford: Interestingly... no.
Charlie: Kinda playing fast and loose with the word "interesting".
Professor Spafford: If you'll excuse me I'm going to use the restroom. (he goes away)
Charlie: Oh my God!!
Ross: I've lost the will to live.
Charlie: Let's ditch him!
Ross: What?
Charlie: Come on, he's still in the bathroom! I'm begging you!
Ross: Oh... ok, fine. But... ehm... I just have one question for you, ehm... (aping Professor Spafford) When we exit should we
walk, or run, or prance, or stroll...
Charlie: Stop it, stop it! He talks slow but he might pee fast! Ok, let's go!! (they run outside)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment]
Ross: (entering with Charlie) Oh, hey you guys! This is Charlie! Charlie, this is Phoebe and my sister, Monica.
Phoebe: Hi!
Ross: Yeah, Charlie is gonna be joining my department.
Phoebe: Oh, you're a paleonthologist, too! (pause) Oh, ok, now, what do you think of Ranion's new theory of species'
variegation in segmented arthopods?
Charlie: Well, I think he's a little out there, but he does have some interesting ideas...
Phoebe: Ah, ah.
Charlie: (her mobile phone rings) Oh, I'm sorry. I'll take this. Excuse me. (she cuts herself off for a moment)
Ross: (to Phoebe) Ranion's theory of species variegation?
Phoebe: Yeah, I saw the article on your coffee table and I memorized the title to freak you out!
Monica: (to Ross) So, did you two have fun?
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Ross: Oh my God, she's great! I mean, we-we have so much in common and she's just cool, and funny...
Monica: And I don't know if you've noticed but she's a (aloud) HOTTY!! (Charlie looks at her) HI!
Rachel: (she enters wearing a bath-robe) Hey... Hi you guys! Listen, you know what? I'm not feeling really well. I think I can't
get out for the play.
Ross: Really? Wh-what's wrong?
Rachel: I don't know! I think it's kind of serious! Oh, you know... I was watching this thing on TV this morning about...
Newcastle disease... and I think I might have it!!
Charlie: Oh, Newcastle disease is a secretion borne virus that only affects chickens and... other poultry.
Rachel: ... Ok, who is this?
Ross: I'm sorry, Rachel, this is Charlie Wealer, she's a collegue.
Rachel: Oh, hi! I would check your hand but... I'm sure you don't want to get my chicken disease!
Monica: Hey, Rachel, Can-can I see you for a sec?
Rachel: Sure! (Monica takes her apart) Oh...
Monica: You're not sick!
Rachel: What? Yes, I am!
Monica: Ok, then, why are you... (she opens her robe revealing a nice black dress) all dressed up??
Rachel: When you're sick, you do whatever you can to make yourself feel better! (she closes her robe)
Monica: You just wanna stay home so you can make a move on Joey!
Rachel: Oh, no, no! I heard you before, that is so not what this is!
Monica: Ok, what is this?
Rachel: Ok! (whispering) Joey is having a secret Days Of Our Lives party up on the roof and he sent you guys to the play to
get rid of you!
Monica: (aloud) WHAT?
Ross: (looking at them) Wh-what's going on?
Monica: Joey is having a secret Days Of Our Lives party up on the roof!
Rachel: And he didn't want you guys to know about it but I came over here to tell you!!
Charlie: I thought you came to say you were sick.
Rachel: Ok professor or detective?
Phoebe: Joey's having a party and he wasn't gonna invite us?
Rachel: Yeah, and he does it every year! That's why he's sending you to that play! That's why he sent us to that medieval
restaurant and to that button factory!
Phoebe: And that horrible museum tour!
Ross: No, I arranged that...
(Joey enters, wearing a bathrobe)
Joey: (sounds tired) Hey you guys, I'm turning in. Have fun.
Phoebe: We know about your party Joey.
Joey: What party?
Monica: The game's over! Take off your robe!
Joey: (looks perplexed and opens up his robe) Ok... I mean...
Everyone: No!! Cover it up!!
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Joey: (to Charlie after covering himself up again) Nice to meet ya! (Charlie waves hesitantly and Joey leaves)
[Scene: The Roof]
Joey: (To some people) Hey! Hey alright! Hey, glad you could make it (Shakes a man's hand) Thanks for coming.
Monica: Oh my God! Kyle Lowder!
Kyle Lowder: (to Monica) Hi. (walks on)
Monica: (Yells after him) I love you!
Joey: Hey, that's why I didn't invite you. you have to calm down, alright... go, go get yourself a drink or something...
Monica: Oh yeah that's what you want - my inhibitions lowered.
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: (Excited) Oh my God, can you believe we are surrounded by all this? I can barely control myself.
Phoebe: Monica, you might want to remember that you are married. Where is Chandler anyway? (Looks around)
Monica: (Shocked) Oh my God! Chandler!
[Scene: The theater. Chandler is sitting in the otherwise empty front row, looking around nervously]
Chandler: Where the hell is everybody?
(The lights dim and Chandler tries to get away but as the bitter lady comes on stage and starts yelling he promptly changes
his mind and sits down)
Bitter lady: (yelling) Why don't you like me?! Chapter One: My first period.
[Scene: The Roof, Rachel is talking to a guy who hands her a tissue with something written on it]
Monica: (to Rachel) Hey! Joey said no autographs! But if she's gettting one, then I want one too: To Monica. And none of
this "best wishes" crap. I want "love".
Rachel: Ok actually Mon, Matthew was just giving me his phone number.
Monica: Oh man! If I had known I was coming to this party I never would have gotten married!
Matthew Ashford: It was nice to meet you Rachel.
Rachel: Nice to meet you.
Matthew Ashford: Call me.
Rachel: Ok
(Matthew leaves)
Monica: (yelling after him) We will!!
Monica: (to Rachel) Look at you with all the guys!
Rachel: Yeah!
Monica: I guess you have forgotten all about Joey?
Rachel: Yeah, well, I guess I have forgotten about Joey and clearly you've forgotten about Chandler!
Monica: Please... Chandler is the love of my life... (At which point a man in leather pants walks by)... oooh leather pants!
Have Mercy! (Follows the man in the leather)
(cut to Ross and Charlie)
Ross: (to Charlie) So, eh... it's probably gonna be hard for you to leave Boston, huh?
Charlie: Actually, I'm kinda happy to be leaving... I just broke up with someeone.
Ross: Ooh... so sad... Still, it can't be easy for you to leave Harvard? Especially after working alongside a Nobel Prize winner
like Albert Wintermeyer?
Charlie: Actually, Alby is the guy I broke up with.
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(Rachel goes look for Joey. She sees him and Charlie kissing passionately.)
Ross: (to Rachel) Hey Rach, have you seen Charlie anywhere?
(Rachel just stands there staring at Joey and Charlie in silence. After a while, Ross turns around and sees them.)
Ross: I'm smarter than him!
Closing credits
[Scene: The theater. Monica, Phoebe and Chandler are sitting in the first line]
Phoebe: Hey, thank you so much for these tickets, Chandler.
Chandler: Oh well, this was a really important experience for me, and I wanted to share it with you.
Monica: Oh, you're so wonderful.
Bitter woman: Why don't you like me! Chapter one: my first period.
Chandler: Can't believe you guys bought that, enjoy your slow death (runs away).
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Joey: Hey, if you wanna grab a bite before work we'd better get acrimonious. No? Am I getting close?
Opening credits
[Scene: Joey and Rachel's apartment]
Phoebe: (entering) Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Phoebe: Hey you guys! Look what I just got. (she shows them a pair of slippers)
Rachel: Oh, OH! Wow, I love those! Where did you get them?
Phoebe: I bought them off Ebay! They used to belong to the late Shania Twain.
Rachel: (after a pause) Phoebe, Shania Twain is still alive!
Phoebe: Oh... then I overpaid. (she goes to the bathroom)
Monica: Hey, what's this?
Rachel: Oh, it's a gift certificate to this new SPA in SOHO.
Monica: Oh, you can't show Phoebe this! She hates those corporate massage chains.
Rachel: Ah, why, now I can't get a massage? There are so many things that she disapproves of! I can't eat veal, I can't wear
fur, I can't go hunting...
Monica: Do you wanna go hunting?
Rachel: Well, I would like to have the option!!
Phoebe: (coming back from the bathroom) What's up? (she sees the gift certificate in Rachel's hands) Hey, Rachel!!
Rachel: Oh!
Phoebe: No, you can't go there! You know how I feel about these "big massage places"! They're putting people like me out
of business!
Monica: And she wants to go hunting, too!!
Rachel: Phoebe, come on, I don't wanna waste it! It would be like throwing away a hundred bucks!
Phoebe: Ok, this is not about the MONEY, ok? It's about... it's about corporate greed destroying our hearts and leaving us...
the hollow shells.
Rachel: I don't care about any of that!!
Phoebe: Well, do you care about friendship?
Rachel: Oh!
Phoebe: I feel really strongly about this, Rachel. Please, don't use this gift certificate. I'm asking you as a friend.
Rachel: Oh, not as a friend, Phoebe!! Fine, I won't use it!
Phoebe: Promise?
Rachel: I promise.
Phoebe: Thank you. (she tears up the gift certificate)
Rachel: But I am going hunting!!
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's apartment]
Monica: (entering) Hey honey! I missed you today!
Chandler: Oh, yeah?
Monica: Yeah. (they kiss) What d'you wanna do tonight?
Chandler: Oh, well... Maybe we could... (he sweeps the stuff off the table and wordlessly invites Monica to have sex on it)
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Monica: Ok, trying to turn me on by making a mess? Know your audience! Besides, tomorrow we're doing those fertility
tests and until then you need to keep your tadpoles in the tank.
Chandler: We really need to take those tests?
Monica: Honey, we've been trying to have a baby for over a year. I think it's a good idea to find out if everything's ok. Just a
few routine tests.
Chandler: But I don't wanna do it in a cup!
Monica: What is the big deal?
Chandler: It's weird! In a doctor's office?
Monica: It's not ok to do it in a doctor's office but it is ok to do it in a parked car behind a Taco Bell?
Chandler: (embarrassed) I cannot believe Ross told you that! (pause) And in my defense, it was a Wendy's!
Monica: Look, I don't wanna do this test either, but I really do think it's a good idea!
Chandler: Yeah, ok. I'm sure that doctor's office can't be worst than on a class trip to the Hershey's factory!
Monica: (really embarrassed) OH!
Chandler: Oh, yeah! RACHEL TALKS TOO!
[Scene: Joey's apartment]
Joey: (sipping red wine from a glass) Who says that wine has to cost more than milk!
(somebody knocks the door, Joey opens and it's Charlie)
Joey: Heeey!
Charlie: Hi!
Joey: Come on in, how are ya?
Charlie: I'm good!
Joey: Can I offer you a drink?
Charlie: Please, I've been crazed all day! I had a meeting with the Dean, and my syllabus for summer school is due and I'm
writing the Foreword for a friend's book...
Joey: Uh-oh. I hade a pretty hectic day at work too, today I had to open a door and go (looking scared) ohhhh!
Charlie: So I am just so excited to be here. And I can't wait to start exploring the city!
Joey: Hey, if you need a tour guide... (point to himself)
Charlie: Oh, you mean it? That would be so fun!
Joey: Yeah, definitely, definitely. Ok, what do you wanna see first?
Charlie: Oh, well, we can go see the Chronos Quartet at the Avery Fisher Hall.
Joey: (looking puzzled and nodding) Ok!
Charlie: And there is a collection of Walt Whitman letters on display at the public library.
Joey: I know, yeah!
Charlie: And first, I have to see the MET!
Joey: Ok, let me stop you right there. The Mets suck, ok? You wanna see the Yankees.
Charlie: No, no, no, not the Mets, the MET, singular!
Joey: Which one, they all suck!
Charlie: The museum!
Joey: (looking puzzled) I don't think so.
[Scene: SPA massage center, Rachel enters]
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Joey: Please, c'mon, you're the smartest person I know and I really like this girl, ok, I don't wanna lose her.
Ross: (after a short hesitation) Fine.
Joey: Thanks.
Ross: Ok. Let's see. Oh, you should take her to the MET!
Joey: The Metsss!
Ross: Oh, no! The MET! The Metropolitan Museum of Art.
Joey: (realizing) Oh, that's what she meant! (pause) You know, if they're gonna shorten it, they should call it the MUSE! You
know, short for museum, and avoid all the confusion!
Ross: Yeah, most of it it's a place packed with confused angry baseball fans!
Joey: Ok, all right, so I'll take her to the MET.
Ross: Yeah, uh, uh, ok, there's this great rare bookstore on Madison Avenue. You know what? She loves architecture, you
know what you should do? You should take a walk down fifth to the Saint Patrick's Cathedral and there there's this great
little pastry shop that she'd love.
Joey: Geez, sounds like you should be going on this date!
Ross: But I'm not! (pause). You know what if you're in the mood for Thai food...
Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down, you go way too fast. Ok? Just go back to the MET, ok?
Ross: Ok.
Joey: You got to tell me exactly what to do there.
Ross: Ok, when you walk in the museum, take the right, that's the antiquities wing. Ancient Egypt, Mesopotamia, up to the
Byzantine Empire.
Joey: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! So, I walk in the door and make the right (and he bends his arm to the left. Ross
then bends Joey's arm to the right and Joey nods)
[Scene: doctor's waiting room]
Chandler: I have a weird feeling about this place. (pause) How do I know that they are not gonna secretly videotape me and
put it all over the internet.
Monica: Because, honey, I mean this in the sweetest way possible, nobody is gonna wanna watch that.
(a nurse walks in)
Nurse: Mr. Bing? (Chandler jumps up) Here you are! You'll go into that room and deposit your specimen into the container.
Chandler: Deposit my specimen? You know, usually I have to call a 900 number for that kind of talk. Thanks, got it.
Monica: Hey, honey, my test is down the hall, are you sure you're going to be ok?
Chandler: Yeah, I guess!
Monica: I know this is embarrassing, but nobody cares! No one here even knows you!
Janice: OH MY GOD!!
Chandler: Oh, Come on!
Commercial Break
Janice: Ah ahahahhahaa! How great is this!
Monica: Hey, we're probably fertile, let's go home!
Chandler: Why are you here?
Janice: Well, Sid and I are trying again and we had trouble last time because apparently we...
Chandler: (to Heaven) No no no... I mean, why? why is she here??
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Janice: Oh! Someone's a little cranky today cuz they have to do it in a cup! (laughs) Oh! They gave you the kiddy size
(looking at the cup in his hand).
Chandler: What!?
(Janice does her "Janice Laugh")
Monica: This was fun! But I've got an invasive vaginal exam to get to! (leaves)
Chandler: I'd love to stay, but I have eh... (points at the cup) got a hot date... (starts to leave)
Janice: Please... go! (Then shouts after him) Just let me know if you need a hand!
Chandler: (disgusted) I think it just fell off. (Leaves)
[Scene: At the Spa, Phoebe is at the half-opened door]
Phoebe: (In a strange heavy accent) Hello "ja", it's time for your massage, ja! Put your face in the hole.
Rachel: Wow, a Swedish massage from a real Swedish person. (Puts her head in the hole and Phoebe enters)
Phoebe: Okay, then I'm Swedish...
Monica: So, what's your name?
Phoebe: It's a normal Swedish name... Ikea...
Rachel: Oh... what an interesting name.
Phoebe: Ja!
Rachel: You know I... (lifts her head and tries to look in Phoebe's direction)
Phoebe: (pushes her head back down) Time for your scalp massage!
Rachel: (Sees Phoebe's slippers through the hole) Wow... I really love your... (startled as she realizes those are Phoebe's
slippers)
Phoebe: Is something wrong?
Rachel: No, it's just that uhm... it feels so good... Ikea... (pause) Yeah, say hey, you'll know this, what's the capital of
Sweden?
Phoebe: (Thinks for a few moments) Uhm... Stockholm.
Rachel: Damn! I wish I knew if that was right!
[Scene: Joey's apartment, Joey and Ross in the living room, rehearsing what Joey will say to Charlie in the Museum]
Joey: (gesturing at an imaginary painting) Note the painterly lines and subtle impasto on this canvas. Monet painted quickly
and usually outdoors as his elusive subject was light itself.
Ross: Now, do you have any idea what you just said?
Joey: (shaking his head as if to say: of course not!) No, no, my mouth says the words, my brain is thinking monster trucks!
Ross: Ok now, remember, when you get to the museum, Monet is not spelt M-O-N-A-Y. I just... I wrote that out phonetically
for you.
Joey: Phonetically? (Looks confused)
Ross: Yeah, yeah that means... you know? We just... we don't have time for this.
Joey: Ok.
Ross: Ok, but you know what? I gotta say, I'm really impressed that you were able to memorize all this so quickly!
Joey: Ah! I'm an actor! I can memorize anything! Last week on "Days" I had to say "Frontal temporal zygomatic craniotomy".
Ross: Wow. What does that mean?
Joey: No idea! But the guy I said it to dies in the next scene so I guess it means "you're gonna get eaten by a bear".
Ross: Ok! So let's move on to the Renaissance?
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Joey: Ok, Caravaggio uses chiaroscuro here to highlight the anguish of the central figure. Touch it, it's really bumpy!
(Reaches out to touch the imaginary painting).
Ross: Nah ah! Nah ah! (stops him form doing so) No no no! No ad-libbing and dude, you can't touch the paintings.
Joey: Come on! you... (reaches out to touch the imaginary painting again)
Ross: No! (Slaps his hand)
[Scene: The Fertility Clinic; Chandler walks out one of the rooms]
Chandler: (To the nurse at the nurses' station) My specimen is in the room and I just want to thank whoever knocked on
the door while I was in there. Really helped speed the process along! (walks towards the common area and sees Janice is
still there) Janice! You're not... gone?
Janice: Oh! Sid is still in his room. I don't allow porn at home so this is like a vacation for him. So did you do it? Did you
make your deposit?
Chandler: Yeah! yeah... The hard part is over!
Janice: That's not the hard part honey! The hard part is what comes next, I mean aren't you worried about the results?
Chandler: I haven't... I haven't even thought about the results yet... I just assumed that everything was gonna be ok.
Janice: Oh! Well, you know what? It probably is.
Chandler: (Slightly panicky) Yeah, but what if it's not? What if there is a reason why we can't have a baby?
Janice: Oh, Chandler, look. You and Monica are meant to have children. I am sure it's gonna be just fine.
Chandler: (smiling again) oh, oh, yeah, ok, thanks. I can't believe I didn't even think of that. I guess I was just so worried
about having to... come here and do... 'that'...
Janice: What, you can do it in the parking lot of a Taco Bell, but you can't do it at a doctor's office?
Chandler: (stares at her intently, then yells) It was a "Wendy's!! "
[Scene: Phoebe and Rachel at the Spa. Phoebe is still massaging Rachel]
Phoebe: (Singing) "Ipan Stripan, Glupi Glabi! " And that is the Swedish National Anthem! Thank you for asking! (looks
annoyed)
Rachel: Wow, Ikea... what a rich culture. Uhm, you know what? I have a friend who is a masseuse.
Phoebe: Oh, Ja! Ja!
Rachel: Yah! She's... uhm... not very good though... (Phoebe looks devastated)
Phoebe: Uhu, uhu... and why do you think that is?
Rachel: I don't know... maybe it's because she has got such callousy fingers from playing crummy guitar...
Phoebe: Or... maybe she has trouble loosening your knots because you're such a high maintenance tight ass!
Rachel: (now lifts her head) Phoebe!!
Phoebe: You know it's me?
Rachel: For like a half an hour! Man, you can lie about Sweden!
Phoebe: How can you come here?
Rachel: How could you not tell me you worked here?
Phoebe: I don't have to tell you everything!
Rachel: Yes you do, if you're going to make me feel guilty for getting a free massage!
Phoebe: Tips not included.
Rachel: Oh! Phoebe, why did you lie to me about working here?
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Phoebe: Because I was ashamed ok? I sold out for the cash! And then they give me benefits like medical, and dental, and a
401K. But you know... you pay a price. Now I'm this Corporate stooge and punching a clock and Ugh! paying taxes!
Rachel: Phoebe, honey, if you hate it so much, you should walk out there right now and quit! Be true to what you believe
in! Honey, you have principles and I so admire that! I don't have any!
Phoebe: You know what? You are right. I am gonna quit. It's time I took my life back!
Rachel: Good for you Pheebs!
Phoebe: Ok.
Phoebe: Okay (walks out and closes the door behind her, looks up and whispers) If you guys have microphones in there too,
I didn't mean any of that. I love you.
[Scene: Central Perk. Ross is playing some shoot'em up game on his laptop]
Ross: Haha! Got ya! Die, die, die!
(Charlie walks in.)
Ross: (recovers his composure and starts typing) Respectfully, professor R. Geller. (hits <return>, closes the laptop and joins
Charlie on the sofa) Hey!
Charlie: Hi!
Ross: Hey, how was the Met?
Charlie: The museum was amazing!
Ross: Yeah? Joey really knows his art, huh?
Charlie: Not so much, no. He had clearly memorized all the stuff to say, and some of it didn't even make any sense.
Ross: What do you mean?
Charlie: Well, for one, he was talking about paintings that were nowhere around.
Ross: (perplexed for a moment) Wait a minute... when you guys walked into the Met, did you go to the right?
Charlie: No, we went to the left.
Ross: (shaking head) Oh Joey, Joey! But still, I mean, it seems like you guys are having a great time together.
Charlie: Yeah, it's fun (hesitating).
Ross: What?
Charlie: Actually, you know, Joey is your friend, and you don't really know me that well; it would be weird.
Ross: What, I mean, a little, but no, what, go on.
Charlie: Well... I'm just thinking that maybe he's not the right guy to be with right now, maybe I should be with someone... I
have more in common with. You know what I mean?
Ross: (slowly) Yeah. But you know what? I think you should give Joey a chance. I mean, he's a great guy, and sure he doesn't
know that much about art but you know, you can always talk about that with someone else.
Charlie: Yeah, I guess that's true.
Ross: And if you think about it, I mean the reason he memorized all that stuff is because he thought it was important to you.
You know, that's the kind of guy Joey is.
Charlie: He is very sweet. Plus he's hot!
Ross: That was going to be my next argument.
(Joey walks in)
Joey: Hey!
Ross: Hey!
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Charlie: Hey!
Joey: (to Charlie) You're ready?
Charlie: Yeah, let's go. (stands up and kisses Joey) (to Ross) Thanks Ross.
Joey: (aside, to Ross) Hey Ross! That art stuff worked, you hooked me up.
Ross: Glad I could help man.
Joey: Although some of that stuff wasn't where you said it was gonna be, but... (confidently) I made it work.
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's. Chandler is sitting on the sofa, reading the newspaper.]
Chandler: (picking up a plastic cup similar to the one he deposited his specimen in) It is not okay that I'm aroused by this
now.
(phone rings)
Chandler: Hello? Oh hi, Doctor Connelly. (pause) No, she's not here but, you know, I can tell her. Should I be sitting down
for this? (his smile fades as he hears the answer) Oh. (pause) Well, so what does that mean? (pause) Ok. Ok, thank you.
Thanks. (hangs up)
(Monica walks in)
Monica: Hey sweetie.
Chandler: Doctor Connelly just called.
Monica: With good news? (very quickly and wringing hands) Of course it is not good news, you just said (deadpan) "Doctor
Connelly just called". If it was good news you would have said (excitedly) "Doctor Connelly just called! " But so what is it? Is
there a problem, uh? Is there a problem with me or with you?
Chandler: Actually it's both of us.
Monica: What?
Chandler: Apparently my sperm have low motility and you have an inhospitable environment.
Monica: Oh... what does that mean?
Chandler: It means that my guys won't get off their barcaloungers and you have a uterus that is prepared to kill the ones
that do. (pause) It means...
Monica: Chandler?
Chandler: (seriously) It means that we can keep trying, but there's a good chance this may never happen for us.
Monica: (weeping) Oh my God!
Chandler: I'm sorry.
Monica: I'm sorry too.
(they hug)
Chandler: Well, we're gonna... we're gonna figure this out.
Monica: (still weeping) I know.
Closing credits
[Scene: The Spa Reception. Phoebe walks in]
Receptionist: Good morning Phoebe.
Phoebe: (imitating the receptionist's tone) Good morning receptionist.
Receptionist: Here's your schedule for the day. Your first client is in room No. 1.
Phoebe: Rachel Green? (angrily) Son of a bitch, she came back?
(Phoebe walks to the door and half-opens it)
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Phoebe: (through the door, with a Scottish accent) Are you ready for your Scottish massage? Put your face in the hole, lassy.
End
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[Scene: Central Perk. Charlie, Joey and Rachel are on the couches]
Charlie: (while Joey's giving her a massage) Oh! That feels sooo good!
Rachel: (speaking to herself and reading Cosmopolitan) Oh, lucky me! Coffee and a live sex show!
Charlie: I'm sorry, what?
Rachel: Oh... Oh, I'm sorry! I'm not... I was just-I was just reading to Emma.
Charlie: From... Cosmo??
Rachel: Yeah, yeah... It's... "climax your way to better skin".
Charlie: (to Joey) So, I have to go shopping today, which is my least favourite thing, I'm soo bad at picking out clothes!
Joey: So you need someone who knows fashion, to tell you what looks good.
Rachel: (hiding herself behind the magazine and whispering) Not me, not me, not me, not me, not me!
Joey: Oh hey Rach!
Rachel: Yeah...
Joey: Maybe you could take Charlie shopping.
Rachel: Oh, well...
Charlie: I'm sure you have better things to do.
Joey: Are you kidding? Rachel loves to shop! And she has great taste! Yeah, she's the one who taught me, you don't wear
white after labour day and that you always, always, always have to put on underwear when you're trying on clothes.
Charlie: If you have the time, I'd really appreciate the help.
Rachel: Ok, uh-uh... Let's-Let's shop!!
Joey: (to Charlie) Ok, you're gonna come back with some very classy clothes... (aside to Rachel)... and some slutty lingerie,
SLUTTY!
Phoebe: (entering and talking on mobile phone) Ok, great! All right, bye! (she hangs up) Pain in the ass!! (she looks at the
others, then back at the phone) That's off, right?
Joey: What's the matter, Pheebs?
Phoebe: Oh... Mike's sister just invited me to a party tonight, he's gonna be there. And she was like "Oh, don't worry! I
asked him. He's totally ok with seeing you!". So now I have to go so he'll think that I'm totally ok with seeing him!
Rachel: Which you're not, because you've totally hung up on him!
Phoebe: Exactly!
Rachel: And you're gonna want him to eat his heart out so you're gonna have to look fabulous!
Phoebe: (after a short pause) I didn't even think about that! (pause) Aaargh, sexual politics!!
Rachel: Hey Pheebs, I'm-I'm taking Charlie shopping, why don't you come and I'll help you find something.
Phoebe: Ok, that'll be great!
Joey: Oh, ain't that nice? The three of you trying on slutty lingerie together.
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Charlie: It's just that... I don't understand it... I mean, Phoebe likes Joey and then she comes here to buy a dress to impress
another guy...?
Rachel: Yeah! That's Phoebe. That's Phoebe. You know, she just wants them all! It's like she's a nympho!
Charlie: Wow!
Rachel: Yeah...
Charlie: You know, by the way. I heard you tell her not to do anything. Thanks for sticking up for me. You are such a nice
person.
Rachel: (Looks ashamed) I try...
[Scene: Prof. Sherman's office. Sherman is still asleep on his chair, blocking the door.]
(Ross takes his suitcase and tries to get out but ends up falling on Prof. Sherman's laps, thereby waking him up)
Ross: (To the still half asleep Professor) Oh my God! You really want me to be the keynote speaker? Thank you! (hugs him
whilst still on his lap)
Prof. Sherman: (confused) You're welcome. (Ross hugs him again)
[Scene: Central Perk. Joey is sitting on the sofa, eating a cookie.]
(Phoebe walks in wearing a fancy, revealing dress, and stands before Joey)
Joey: (impressed) Wow! You look... (drops the cookie)... stop-eating hot! Which is like the highest level of hotness!
Phoebe: Are you sure? Because I'm really dreading going to this party.
Joey: Then don't go!
Phoebe: Mike knows I'm coming, and if I don't show up he'll think it's because of him! And I don't want to lose face! That's
a very serious thing in my culture.
Joey: Alright, then you go to that party and you pretend to be over Mike. And afterward you come to my place and I'll get
you good and drunk!
Phoebe: You got it! Ok. But not on the wine that you made, ok, because I just don't want to go back to the Emergency
Room.
(Joey gives Phoebe a thumbs up. Phoebe walks out)
[Scene: Outside Central Perk.]
Phoebe: David?
(David the scientist guy is standing at the news-stand)
David: Phoebe! Hi!
Phoebe: Oh my God! (they hug)
David: Wow, you look unbelievable.
Phoebe: Yeah. What-what are you doing here?
David: Well, I'm back from Minsk... permanently.
Phoebe: What happened?
David: Well, remember how I was trying to achieve the positronic distillation of subatomic particles?
Phoebe: Yeah?
David: Well, after eight years of research I discovered that it can't be done.
Phoebe: Well, it's great that you're back! How are you?
David: Good, good, life is good...
Phoebe: Good!
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Chandler: David, let me stop you there 'cause I think I see where this is going. I'm not very good at giving advice. So if you
want advice, go to Ross, Monica, or... Joey, if the thing you wanna advice about is pizza toppings or burning sensation when
you pee.
David: Sorry, I just... I wish there was something I could do, you know? Well, you know Phoebe...
Chandler: Seriously, we're gonna do this?
David: I'm sorry, uh... I just wish I could make her forget about Mike already, you know... Why did Phoebe and Mike break
up?
Chandler: Oh, because his penis was too big. (he notices that David is not amused) Oh, I'm sorry, that's the kind of thing I
do. (pause) They broke up because Mike didn't want to get married. Hey, what if you just let Phoebe know you'd be open to
marriage?
David: That's great! That's great! I-I'll propose to her!
Chandler: What?
David: Well, I was probably going to do it at some point.
Chandler: I didn't mean now...
David: Why not? It's brilliant! (talking to an imaginary Mike) Goodbye Mike, we'll see you at the wedding, fella! (pause) well,
we probably won't invite you to the wedding... (to Chandler) Thank you, Chandler. Sincerely.
Chandler: Well, you're welcome! Glad I could help.
David: (after a while) How do you think I should propose?
Chandler: David, I'm pretending to read here!!
[Scene: Joey in his hotel in room in Barbados]
(Trying on a hat and talking to his own reflection in the mirror)
Joey: Yeah! How you doin'? Yeah alright!
(Charlie comes out the bathroom)
Joey: Hey, hey! You said you're gonna wear a thong, where's the thong?
Charlie: (laughing) I didn't mean a thong... I meant thongs...
Joey: You really should have been more clear about that!
(Someone knocks the door, Joey goes to open it and Ross is on the other side)
Ross: Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Ross: (Excited) You're never going to guess who I just saw downstairs!
Joey: Oh! ah! eh... Britney Spears!?
Ross: Yeah, she never misses these conferences! (then to Charlie) No, I just saw Dr. Kenneth Schwartz!
Charlie: Oh my God! Did you talk to him?
Ross: Yeah... what am I going to say to Kenneth Schwartz?
Joey: You could say: "Hey Kenny, how come you're not Britney Spears?" (looks at Ross matter-of-factly)
Ross: (to Charlie) Ready to go?
Charlie: Yeah!
Joey: Wha...? You're gonna go now? I thought we could hang out?
Charlie: Oh I can't... I have seminars all day and I promised Ross I would look at his speech.
Ross: Yeah.
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Charlie: But maybe we can have dinner later? On the balcony? Will be romantic.
Joey: (smiling) Will you wear a thong?
Charlie: I will if you will.
Joey: Oh... you got yourself a very weird deal!
Ross: (a little embarassed by their conversation) I'm good, I have dinner plans (moves away from them).
Charlie: So you'll be ok?
Joey: Yeah, yeah. I've got tons of stuff I could do. I'm gonna hit the beach, go swimming...
Ross: Uh, Joe, have you looked outside?
Joey: No, why?
(Ross goes to the window and opens the curtains revealing that it's raining outside)
Joey: Oh man!
Charlie: There's an indoor pool, you can swim there! (Ross agrees)
Joey: I wasn't gonna swim, I was gonna dig a hole! (removes a small plastic spade used by children to play on the beach
from his backpack)
[Scene: Back in New York, Monica and Chandler in Central Perk on the couch]
Monica: Wow! That Mike thing was interesting! I don't know what's gonna happen with Phoebe and David.
Chandler: (smiling cheekily) I do! Want a hint? huh? "I do" (Monica looks confused, so Chandler repeats) "I do".
Monica: Ok, I'm sensing that this is some kind of word play, because you are pink with barely controlled glee.
Chandler: David is going to propose to Phoebe.
Monica: What? (looks very shocked) Why?
Chandler: Be-cause, we were talking about ways that he could beat Mike and I told him that Phoebe wanted to get married.
Monica: Chandler, we have talked about this. You are not supposed to give people advice! Now couldn't you just have
made some sort of inappropriate joke?
Chandler: I did! A penis one! Look, just so I know, what was so wrong about what I said?
Monica: They've only been going out for a few weeks and Phoebe is completely hung up on Mike! She'll say "No", David's
heart will be broken, it will be too hard for them to recover from and then Phoebe will end up alone again.
Chandler: Man, that's some bad advice!
[Scene: Barbados, hotel lounge. David, Phoebe and Rachel have just arrived.]
(Joey spots them and walks towards them)
Joey: Oh! Hey! Thank God you guys are here!
Rachel: Hey! Hey what's going on?
Joey: Everything is upside down here! It rains all day long, nobody watches tv and Ross is famous!
(Rachel turns around and sees Chandler and Monica arriving)
Rachel: Alright, I don't wanna alarm anybody, but Monica's hair is twice as big as it was when we landed!
(Monica and Chandler reach the group)
Monica: Ok! When I go places with high humidity, it gets a little extra body, ok?!
Chandler: That's why our honeymoon photos look like me and Diana Ross!
Joey: Come on, I'll show you guys where to check in (Joey, Chandler and David leave)
Monica: (to Chandler) Oh, honey, can you make sure we get a King size bed!
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Phoebe: (shouts after David) Oh! David, get one for us too! Oh, oh, and see if they have a heart-shaped one! And with
mirrors on the ceiling!
Monica: (shouts to Chandler) And make sure our room isn't next to theirs (points to Phoebe).
Rachel: Ooh! You guys are so lucky you are here with people, you known it's such a romantic place. That's all, I just wish I
could (looks at Joey who is at the check in desk) share that with a guy.
Phoebe: Not Joey.
Rachel: Not Joey, no, I was just lusting after Chandler.
Monica: Yeah, right!
[Cut to the guys]
David: So, ehm... I'm proposing to Pheobe tonight. (Removes a ring box from his pocket and opens it to show Chandler the
ring)
Chandler: Tonight?! (looks at the ring) Isn't an engagement ring supposed to have a diamond? (squints at the ring to
emphasize how tiny the diamond is) Oh, there it is!
David: Yeah, well, being a failed scientist doesn't pay quite as well as you might think. That's uhm... one seventieth of a
karat. And the clarity is uhm... is quite poor.
Chandler: (slaps him on the shoulder) Nice! (goes to Monica)
Chandler: Monica, can I talk to you for a sec? (Pulls her away from Phoebe and Rachel)
Monica: Ok!
Chandler: David is going to propose to Phoebe tonight!
Monica: See what happens when you give people advice? I hope you told him not to?
Chandler: That would be advice!!
Monica: Ok fine. I'll handle this. (goes to Phoebe who's talking to Rachel) Phoebe?
Phoebe: Yeah?
Monica: (looking very serious) I need to talk to you.
Phoebe: Are you leaving "The Supremes"? (Monica and Phoebe go to one side)
MOnica: Ok, my husband just gave your boyfriend some very bad advice. Look, David is going to propose to you tonight.
Phoebe: Wow? Really? That's fantastic!
Monica: What are you serious? You wanna marry him? Wha... What about Mike?
Phoebe: Oh, ok, you want me to marry Mike? Alright, well, let's just gag him and handcuff him and force him down the aisle.
I can just see it: "Mike, do you take Phoebe..." (gestures with her hand as if someone is covering her mouth and tries to
shout "No! No!") You know, it's every girl's dream!
Monica: Do you really think marrying someone else is the right answer?
Phoebe: Sure! Look, ok, bottom line: I love Mike... David! David. I love David. Don't look at me that way, Roseanne
Rosannadanna!
[Scene: Ross's hotel room. Ross and is reading his keynote speech to Charlie from his laptop]
Ross: By using CT scans and computer imaging we can in a very real way, bring the Mesozoic era into the 21st century.
Charlie: It's great. You're gonna be the hit of the conference.
Ross: Oh and you know what, it will be even better tomorrow, because I won't be constantly interrupted by Joey checking
to see if they put chocolates on my pillow yet. (Someone knocks on the door, Ross goes to open and it's Joey, Rachel and
Chandler).
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Ross: I can't believe this. I can't believe this is happening. I have to give the keynote speech tomorrow! Ok? I have to stand
up in front of all these people. What am I gonna say?
Joey: I could teach you a speech that I memorized for auditions.
Ross: I don't think that your monologue from Star Wars is gonna help me right now, Joe!
Charlie: Ross, we can solve this. I just heard your speech. We can recreate it! We've got all night!
Ross: Wha... what you really think we can do that?
Charlie: Oh wait, Joey and I are supposed to have dinner (Looks at Joey).
Joey: Hey don't worry about that! I mean, Ross needs you! And Rachel and I will stay and help anyway we can.
Rachel: Ugh.
Ross: Alright, ok, let's do it. (Ross sits down at the desk and they all gather around him) Uhm, I know we start by discussing
the shortcomings of carbon dating... uhm, and then, then I move on to what is clearly the defining moment of the Mesozoic
era, the breakup of Pangea, hello! (Rachel and Joey look confused) And then, there's the... eh... there's the overview of the
Triassic.
Joey: Oh, oh! Any chance any of this happened in a "Galaxy far, far away"? (Ross turns aroud and glares at him. Joey and
Rachel decide to leave).
[Scene: Mike's apartment. His phone rings and he picks up]
Mike: Hello?
Monica: Ok, Mike, enough is enough, now you love Phoebe and she loves you, so you need to get over your whole "I never
want to get married" thing and step up!
Mike: Who is this?
Monica: This is Monica! I'm Phoebe's friend. Listen, Phoebe is back with David and he's going to propose to her, and she is
going to say "yes" but I know she really wants to be with you!
Mike: (sounds shocked and sits down) He... he's gonna propose?
Monica: I... I'm sorry, did you say something? I can't hear through all this damned hair! (Tries to move her huge hair away
from the phone, in vain)
Mike: Look, if Phoebe wants to marry David, she should, I'm not gonna stand in the way of that and neither should you.
Monica: You don't tell me what to do! I tell you what to do! Just call her. She's at the Paradise Hotel in Barbados. And while
I've got you, you've got curly hair. What do you do in humidity? (Mike hangs up the phone) Damnit!
(Chandler walks in)
Monica: (sarcastically) Well, I hope you're happy!
Chandler: (pretending not to sense the tone) Oooh! I hope you're happy too, honey!
Monica: Phoebe is going to say "Yes" to David. See, that's what happens when you meddle in people's lives!
Chandler: Phoebe is going to say "yes"? That's, that's great!
Monica: No it's not, b'cause she's still in love with Mike!
Chandler: And there's not chance that will work?
Monica: No, I called him. It's not gonna happen.
Chandler: (pointing at her) Oooooooh! Meddler! Meddler!
Monica: Well, if you hadn't meddled to start with, I wouldn't have had to go in there and meddle myself. Now, no matter
how much we meddle, we will never be able to un-meddle the thing that you meddled up - in the first place!
Chandler: This vacation sucks!!
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[Scene: The hall, full of paleontologists. Rachel and Joey are walking around]
Joey: I'm so bored! Stupid rain, we... we can't do anything.
Rachel: Well, I've brought some books. We could read.
Joey: Hey, it hasn't come to that yet.
(A waiter walks by carrying appetizers or something on a tray)
Joey: (stopping the waiter) Hey hey hey! Don't mind if I do!
Waiter: I'm sorry sir, these are for the pharmaceutical convention (walks away)
Joey: Hey Rach, do you feel like going to a convention?
Rachel: We can't. We're not pharmacists!
Joey: (walking to a table with many badges on it) I know we're not, but (he picks up a badge) Frank Medeio and... (picks up
another badge) Eva Trorro... womba...
Rachel: (picking up another random badge) Kate Miller?
Joey: Kate Miller it is. (he picks up the Kate Miller badge and sticks it on Rachel's breast)
Rachel: And... that's the most sex I'm gonna have this weekend.
Joey: In that case should I make sure it's on real good? (he does so, repeatedly tapping on her breast and stroking it)
Rachel: Thank you. (they walk away)
[Scene: Ross's room. Charlie is sitting on the bed, while Ross is walking up and down nervously]
Charlie: And then, and then you said that thing about, about bringing the Mesozoic era in the 21st century.
Ross: Yeah, that's it?
Charlie: Yeah.
Ross: Oh my God, we did it! (he sits beside her and skims through her notes excitedly)
Charlie: Actually I did it Ross. You remembered shockingly little of your own speech.
Ross: Yes, but I did make a pyramid out of the bath products. This is amazing, thank you, thank you so much. (he leans in,
and they look at each other for a moment) That's a pretty necklace.
Charlie: Thank you.
Ross: Hey, what do you say we celebrate? Champagne? (he goes to get the champagne)
Charlie: Oh yeah! Hey, save the cork and then we can fill the bottle with water and put it back so they don't charge you.
Ross: Oh my God, I love you.
Charlie: Oh, this is such a cute picture of Emma. And is this your son... or just some kid whose picture you bring on
vacation?
Ross: That's Ben, my son from my first marriage.
Charlie: Your first marriage?
Ross: Yeah.
Charlie: You're married more than once?
Ross: No. (they clink glasses and drink)
Charlie: So, why did you break up?
Ross: (embarassed) Oh, it was... it's complicated, you know? She... she was... eh... gay.
Charlie: Oh my God, this is so cool!
Ross: Ok, odd thing to get excited about!
Charlie: No, it's just... I was enganged to a guy who turned out to be gay!
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Mike: Phoebe, I love you. I mean, I missed you so much these last few months and I thought we were apart for a good
reason, but then I suddenly realized that there was no reason good enough to keep me from spending the rest of my life
with you.
David: Kinda stepped on the toes of what I was going to say.
Mike: Sorry David, but she really has to know this.
David: Alright, but after this I want to see you outside. If the rain stops.
Monica: You're the most incredible woman I've ever met. How can I lose you? (Phoebe looks very flattered) Now, I don't
actually have a ring...
David: I have a ring.
Chandler: I wouldn't brag too much about that thing, big guy.
David: Phoebe, will you marry me?
Phoebe: (smiles at him happily for a few seconds before answering) No!
David: Uhm... Ha ha!
Phoebe: I love you. But I never needed a proposal from you. I just needed to know that we were headed somewhere, you
know, that we had a future.
Mike: We can have any future you want.
(they hold their hands, gazing at each other)
David: Ok, I'm gonna take off.
Phoebe: David, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry.
David: Just so I know, if I had asked first...
Phoebe: Yeah, I might have said yes, but that would have been wrong.
David: Please, you don't have to explain. I mean, perhaps if I hadn't gone to Minsk things would have worked out for us.
And I wouldn't have ruined my career, or lost that toe to frostbite. It was a good trip! (he leaves)
Mike: Is it ok if I hug you now?
Phoebe: Yes! (they hug)
Monica: (to everybody) BECAUSE OF OUR MEDDLING! Alright?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's room. Monica and Chandler are in bed.]
Chandler: Oh, ain't this nice? It's so quiet, I could just lie here all day.
Monica: I know (she snuggles to him)
(Rachel runs in)
Rachel: (walking in hurriedly) Open your drapes! Open your drapes!
Chandler: I'm so glad we've got adjoining rooms!
(Rachel opens the drapes)
Monica: The sun is out!
Chandler: Hey! Remember when I had corneas?
Monica: Ok listen, you go down to the pool and reserve the chairs, and I'll get the magazines and the lotion.
Chandler: Ladies? Ross's speech is in 45 minutes.
Rachel: Nooo!
Monica: Damn it!
Ross: (from across the wall) Walls are pretty thin, guys!
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Ross: (puzzled) Ok!... All right, thanks! Thank you so much, you guys! (to Phoebe) Oh, I can't tell you how much it means to
me that you were here!
Mike: (popping by, smiling) You're kidding, we wouldn't have missed it!
(Ross is dumbfounded to see Mike instead of David)
Mike: Oh... I'm back!
Ross: (skating over, embarrassed) Ok!... Uh... excuse me? Yeah?
Phoebe & Mike: Yeah! (they leave)
(Ross goes towards Charlie, who's conversing with a fellow paleontologist, and touches her shoulder to get her attention)
Ross: Hey! (she turns to him) Well...? (in expectation)
Charlie: You were incredible!
Ross: Yeah?
Charlie: You blew them away!
Ross: Oh, I can't tell you how great it was to look at the crowd and see your face! I mean... uh, did you know you were
(giggles) mouthing the words along with me?
Charlie: (smiling broadly) I was not!
Ross: No, it's ok! Made me feel like a rock star!
Charlie: Oh my God! (pauses) I'm your groupie!
Ross: (joking) I'd better not found you naked in my hotel room!
(Ross giggles, but Charlie isn't amused at all.)
Ross: (realizing his joke wasn't so good, but still giggling) Look, I took it too far!
[Scene: the hotel lobby. Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Mike walk in from the outside.]
Monica: (her hair bigger then before) I can't believe it's raining again! Oh, it's so unfair!!!
(They approach the buffet, where a couple of paleontologists are sipping their drinks)
Phoebe: Well, on the bright side, now you won't have to see all these paleontologists with their shirts off. (Grabs a drink
and notices that the two men are upset) Not you guys. You got it going on!
(Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Mike walk away, sipping their drinks)
Monica: So, what are we gonna do today?
Mike: They have a game room downstairs! Ping pong and stuff.
Monica: (pleasantly surprised) Ping pong? (to Chandler) Honey, they have ping pong! Let's play!
Chandler: I don't think so!
Monica: (disappointed) Why not?
Chandler: Because you know how competitive you get and well, I say it's cute, others disagree, and I'm lying!
Monica: I'm not always that bad!
Chandler: Oh, yeah? What happened when we played last time?
Monica: (hesitatingly) I punched you...?
Chandler: And...?
Monica: ... Phoebe...?
Phoebe: ... and...?
Monica: I clunked your heads together!
(Chandler turns to Mike and gives him a "See what I mean?" look)
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Joey: No, I know, yeah I know we're great but Rach no... this... this can't happen!
Rachel: But can it... just... happen a little bit?
Joey: (charmed, but then recoiling) NO, NO! It can't happen at all!
Rachel: But why, why not?
Joey: Because... look, no one wants this to happen more than me, ok? (in a trembling voice) I have gone over this moment
in my head a hundred times and not once did I ever say no! (sighs) I couldn't do it to Ross!
Rachel: But that wasn't gonna stop you before!
Joey: I know, I know! But I've thought about it a lot since, and it just wouldn't be right... (painfully) I'm sorry...!
Rachel: (regretful) I'm sorry, too! (they look at each other sadly, then she recollects, and puts her hands over her eyes) OH
GOD! I shouldn't have said anything!
Joey: NO! No-no-no-no-no-no! Hey! Hey, we'll be fine! Li... hey, like you said: no big deal!
Rachel: It's not a big deal!
Joey: NO BIG DEAL!
Rachel: It's so not a big deal!
Joey: Yeah! I'll see ya later! Yeah!
Rachel: Ok!
(They shake hands, he walks out and shuts the door, then seems to change his mind, moves to open the door, than changes
his mind again and leans over the door. Just then, Rachel opens the door)
Rachel: Ok, I...
(Joey falls backwards into the room)
Rachel: AAAHHHH!
(Joey hurriedly stands up, arms akimbo, gives her an embarrassed look and walks away)
[Scene: the hotel game room. Monica and Mike are still playing ping pong]
Monica: Ooh! I'm sorry! I think, I THINK, that may have missed the table!
Mike: Do you?
Monica: Ah, yeah!
Mike: Do you?
Monica: Ah, yeaaah!
Mike: DO YOU?
Monica: AH YEAAAAH!
Chandler: (to Phoebe) Do you really find this attractive on him?
Phoebe: (looking at Mike) Oh, yeah! (turning to Chandler) Are you telling me you... you're not even... a little turned on by
Monica, right now?
(Chandler turns to look at Monica, who has the biggest hair ever, is flushed and in a sweat, and is decidedly sniffing her
armpits)
Chandler: I think this is the first time in our marriage that I've felt like the more attractive one.
Phoebe: C'mon Mike, you can beat her! Knock that dog off her head!
(Mike scores)
Monica: Oh, damn it!
Phoebe: (pointing at Mike and shouting) I sleep with him!
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Ross: (standing) Ok, gentlemen! Please! Aren't we a little old for this? I mean, we're scientists, right? We're academics. And
most importantly I... you-you will have to catch us first. (he starts to run away with Charlie). GO, GO, GO! (the
paleontologists starts chasing them)
[Scene: game room, Monica and Mike are still playing ping pong]
(Chandler and Phoebe look bored to death. Monica scores and laughs)
Mike: Ok, so it's a tie again, 41 to 41.
Chandler: (exhausted) Ok, look! Enough is enough!
Monica: No, I have just to have two more points to beat him!
Chandler: Monica, that was also true an hour ago! I mean, please, look at you! Your hand is blistered, you can barely stand,
your hair is inexplicable! Ok, you've already proven you are just as good as he is, now we've missed our dinner reservations,
so now let's just go upstairs, order room service, take a shower and shave your head!
Monica: I can't just walk away! I've put in four hours!
Chandler: But...
Monica: Look! You knew this about me when you married me! You agreed to take me in sickness and in health. Well, this is
my sickness!
Chandler: What about the obsessive cleaning?
Monica: That's just good sense!
(they start playing again; suddenly Monica hits the table with her hand)
Monica: (in pain) Aww! (she holds her hand, moaning like she's biting back a scream)
Chandler: You ok?
Monica: No, no, no. Honey, I'm ok. Shake it off! (she shakes the wrist and it's more painful) Oh, no! No shaking, no shaking!
Ooh! Ooh! (pause) Oh my God! I can't play!
Mike: So you forfeit?
Phoebe: Mike wins?
Monica: I can't believe it! (pause) I lost!
Chandler: No, you didn't.
Monica: What?
Chandler: Because I'm gonna play for ya.
Phoebe: You can't do that!
Mike: Oh, that's ok. I don't care which of them I beat.
Phoebe: Ok, we're taking that paddle home, mister.
Monica: (to Chandler) Honey, you don't have to do this.
Chandler: (In a loving voice) Yes, I do. Now, I may not understand why you have to win so badly, but if it's important to you
then it's important to me, because I love you.
Monica: But... you suck!
Chandler: (Still in a loving voice) You're welcome, sweetheart.
(Chandler prepares to play)
Chandler: All right Mike, let's get this over with. Sudden death. Whoever wins this point, wins.
Mike: Ok!
(They start playing and Chandler does not suck at all)
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[1] Homo ergaster: Some scientists classify some African erectus specimens as belonging to a separate species, Homo
ergaster, which differs from the Asian H. erectus fossils in some details of the skull (e.g. the brow ridges differ in shape, and
erectus would have a larger brain size).
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