Emotional Purity: A Guarding of the Heart

By Maria van den Bosch

Keep your heart with all vigilance; for from it flow the springs of life. (Prov. 4:23)1
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. (Mt. 5:8)
So shun youthful passions and aim at righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who
call upon the Lord from a pure heart. (2 Tim. 2:22)
As people of faith, we have our fair share of talks and articles on purity, love and
marriage. For young people, these focus for the most part on the subject of chastity. In his book
on the Theology of the Body, Steven Kellmeyer wrote, In every age, God has brought forward
the weapons necessary to combat error. In this age, the most pernicious error revolves around a
true understanding of human sexuality.2 In her desire to bring all men to truth, the Catholic
Church has rightly chosen to focus on chastity and sexual purity to bring young people out of the
error that is taking over their hearts and minds.
Sex isnt the only area that can be sullied by impurity, however. A more subtle and less
discussed, albeit as rampant, problem is that of emotional impurity. Many young people make
the commitment to save their virginity for their future spouse. They understand the power and
mystery of sex. They understand that their virginity is a gift and can only be given once. They
understand that virginity is not something you lose like spare change or a set of keys.
But what of the heart? What of the emotions? How does one make a commitment to
save their heart for their future spouse? And if such a commitment is even possible, is it realistic?
Is it healthy?
The whole world wants to be in love. Its fun! Its exciting! We use the images of young
couples to sell cars, perfume, beer, etc. The exciting news is that God wants us to be in love too.
God is the original matchmaker. He created Adam and then said, It is not good that the man
should be alone, I will make him a helper fit for him. (Gen. 2:18) God, Who made Adam and Eve
for each other, made you and your future husband or your future wife for each other. He knew
who you would marry before you were conceived. He saw your future happiness with that person
and smiled. Yes, God is Love. Yes, He wants you to love.
What God doesnt want is a cheapened version of that love. You dont need another
article on how premarital sex cheapens. Its been said and better than I ever could. But sexual
impurity isnt the only thing that cheapens love. Emotional impurity does a pretty good job of that
too.
What is emotional impurity? Simply put, it isnt saving your heart for your future spouse
and/or lusting with the emotions. Dating before you are ready to get married isnt always
emotionally impure, but it can lead to that very quickly. If you fall in love at the age of fourteen,
the likelihood of marrying that person is small. When you do get married, you wont be able to
say that this is the one and only person youve ever loved. You havent saved your heart for them
and them alone.
Lusting with the emotions isnt giving your heart away in love to another person, but its
still impure. A man lusting after a woman dressed in skimpy clothes isnt actually having sex with
her, but he is committing adultery in his heart. (Mt. 5:28) Lust of the emotions basically consists
of infatuation, obsessing over someone else, spending an inordinate amount of time concocting
fantasies of what it would be like to be married to that person, and/or fantasizing about romance
and marriage in general instead of focussing on the time God has given you and using that time
to accomplish what He wants you to.
Obviously, when you are ready to get married, you will need to share aspects of yourself
with a person you are in a relationship with, in order to discern if you should marry him or her.
How do you guard your heart in that case? Through this article, I hope to look at these and other
aspects of emotional purity and answer some of the questions that surround this issue.

1
2

All Biblical citations RSV

Kellmeyer, Steven. Sex and the Sacred City, 2003. Bridegroom Press, Peoria, IL, pg.8

Why Guard?
First of all, why should you bother with guarding your heart in the first place?
On television shows and movies, women often complain that men are only
interested in sex. They want men to love and appreciate their intelligence, their heart, all of them.
He married me, not just my body, they moan to their best friend over a latte.
If this is true, that when a man and woman get married, they marry the whole person, not
just the other persons body, doesnt it make sense to save your whole person for your future
spouse, not just your body? God did not intend for us to merely share each others bodies in
marriage. He meant for us to share each others lives. He meant for us to share everything. The
Catechism of the Catholic Church puts it in this way, Conjugal love involves a totality, in which all
the elements of the person enterappeal of the body and instinct, power of feeling and
affectivity, aspiration of the spirit and of will. It aims at a deeply personal unity, a unity that,
beyond union in one flesh, leads to forming one heart and one soul; it demands indissolubility and
faithfulness in definitive mutual giving; and it is open to fertility. In a word it is a question of the
normal characteristics of all natural conjugal love, but with a new significance which not only
purifies and strengthens them, but raises them to the extent of making them the expression of
specifically Christian values. 3
The decision to save ones body for ones future spouse is right and good. The decision
to save ones heart and ones love is also right and good.
You may be thinking, But I can only give my virginity once. I can give my heart many
times. While it is true that you can fall in love more than once, you cannot give your whole heart
more than once. When you love someone, you have given him or her a piece of your heart. Not
your whole heart, because you didnt marry that person, but when you break up, that piece of
your heart is forever gone. The more people you fall in love with, the more pieces of your heart
are missing, and the less you have to give your future spouse. To love someone is to give
yourself to them.
Analogies
Here are a couple of analogies to keep in mind when youre attempting to guard your
heart, or if you are getting over a difficult ending to a relationship.
We use the language, She broke my heart, he broke my heart, without considering the
implications. The truth is that our hearts should never have been in their possession to break.
Our hearts belong to us, and they should never have been in the care of someone who wouldnt
care for them, as we care for them. One of my most valuable possessions is my violin. If I
handed my violin to my three year old sister and said, Here, take care of this for me, and came
back later to find my violin in splinters, I could blame the three year old all I want, but ultimately, I
should never have entrusted her with something I valued so highly.
This is not to say that if someone has broken your heart, that it is only your fault. As
adults, we should be mature, responsible, selfless and loving. We should guard and care for the
other persons heart as much as we do our own. If you have given your heart to someone who
wasnt worthy of such a gift, or you have given to someone who is worthy before the right time,
recognize your actions and after some time has passed, and you are beginning to heal, decide
not to give your heart in such a way again. Decide to save your treasured love for the one youll
be with for the rest of your life.
Dr. Scott Hahn gave a talk once and at the beginning of the talk made this analogy: If I
went around the room and gave everyone a dollar, saying you could have that dollar, but then at
the end of the talk, changed my mind and asked for the dollar back, I never really gave it to you in
the first place, did I? One of the facts of dating is that when we give our hearts, and then break
up, we are asking for our hearts back, which means we never really gave them in the first place.
And, as discussed above, we dont get our whole heart back in any case. We need to save our
hearts until we can give with assurance that we will never ask for it back.
3

Catechism of the Catholic Church, Article 1643, Publications Service, Canadian Conference of Catholic
Bishops, Ottawa, ON, 1994.

Dating
One of the popular arguments against dating before you are ready to get married is that it
is harder to resist temptation and it is more likely that you will end up having sex with that person.
It is also likely that you will fall in love with the person you are dating. Remember, God made us
to love and be loved. He wants us to fall in love, when it is time. When we are in our teenage
years, our hearts and hormones are urging us to fall in love. The opposite sex is suddenly
everywhere! Added to that is the pressure of the modern cultures message that your only worth
is as half of a couple, and the pressure of your peers going out on dates. It is very hard to not fall
in love at this time of a persons life.
Joshua Harris wrote a book on dating in the teen years that became a smash bestseller, I
Kissed Dating Goodbye. (See the Resources section at the end of this article.) Its easy to say,
dont fall in love before youre ready to get married, but Harris gives practical advice on the traps
that we, as young people, can fall into. If you know in your heart that you are not ready to get
married, whether because you are too young, or for any other reason, I highly recommend his
book to you.
A word of caution, however. Dating isnt always bad, and there are ways to fall in love
even if you arent dating. If you spend a lot of time exclusively with one friend that you are
attracted to, you may find yourself falling in love before Gods time, or falling in love with the
wrong person.
When I was thirteen, my family became friends with another Christian family. The oldest
son in the other family (Ill call him Jack for the purposes of this article) was the same age as me.
He was intelligent and fun, though a little quiet at first. Our families spent a lot of time together
and Jack and I became good friends. He was interested in very different things than I was, and
during the first two years of our friendship, opened my eyes to many things. I developed a
crush on him, which progressed to infatuation, when I thought about him constantly, and
eventually to love.
Because Jack was raised in a fairly strict Christian home, he rarely held my hand and
certainly never attempted to kiss or hug me. This made it easier for me to be physically pure, but
it didnt protect me from loving him. When we were seventeen, we began to talk of marriage for
the first time. It had sometimes been alluded to previously, but one of us would always change
the subject. Now that we were older, and more mature (according to us), it was mentioned a
little more obviously. We never said, When we get married, well do this or When we have a
family, well do that. Our conversations ran more along the lines of: When you get married,
what kind of home do you want to live in? Then an enthusiastic discussion of our future home
would ensue, all under the guise of pleasant meaningless conversation.
During that year, as love took the place of infatuation, and I started to think about
spending the rest of my life with this young man, I began to notice things about Jack. Some of
the knowledge I had of him wasnt based on reality, but on my fantasies of what he was like and
would be like as a husband and father. As I got to know him better, the fantasies started to
crumble a little. Character qualities that I desired in a man were not noticeable in him, and there
were several aspects of his personality that I didnt like. I rationalized all of this. He had
mentioned converting to Catholicism, though deep down I knew he had no intention of doing so,
but I reasoned that once we were engaged, he would convert for me. He would be more kind,
more gentle. He wouldnt say those cruel things that seemed to pop out of him occasionally. He
would give up his fascination with danger and death-defying sports and stunts. He would be less
controlling and demanding of my time. Of course, he would change if he loved me! It was just
because we werent actually engaged yet. My reasoning was completely clouded by my
emotions and fantasies.
I was prepared to spend the rest of my life with Jack and raise our family together. I was
convinced that he felt the same. Hed never actually said that we were going to get married in so
many words, but it was implied countless times.
I moved far away the year we were eighteen, to attend a Catholic college. The men at
college were unlike any I had known before. I felt intimidated around them, because they were so

godly, so masculine and so virtuous. They made Jack seem, wella little wimpy. These were
men!
These thoughts werent as well defined then, as I was still in love with him, but the
nagging questions grew. While I was at college, my mom phoned to tell me that Jacks family
were moving far away, so far that I might never see them again. The letters between Jack and I
over the next month or so were frequent and teary. We promised to keep writing until we could
see each other again.
I dont know what happened during or after the move, but Jacks rebellious personality
took over, and the character and values he did possess went out the window. His letters to me
consisted of his escapades with drugs and whomever he was dating and sleeping with that week.
In my stress and devastation, I tried my best to love him and show that I was still there for
him. I thought that sooner or later he would come back to me. I had become pathetic in my loss
of self, something I swore I would never do. After a year, I stopped answering his emails and
phone calls. He eventually gave up. I havent heard from Jack in over three years. The last I
knew, he was living on the street.
It took awhile for me to stop torturing myself over whether or not he had ever really loved
me. My heart healed, and I can honestly say that I am no longer in love with Jack and havent
been in a long time. But that piece of my heart is gone forever. When I get married and give my
heart to my husband, it will be a little smaller than it originally was.
The regret and sorrow of giving your heart, only to discover that that person is not going
to be with you forever, lessens over time. There are days, weeks, even whole months that go by
when I dont think of Jack even once. At this time in my life, I have put it behind me and stepped
forward with renewed purpose and resolve. However, I know that if I get married, I will have to
tell my future spouse that I have been in love before and ask his forgiveness for not saving my
heart for him, and him alone.
You may be thinking, thats all very nice, but what about me? That sounds good, but isnt
it a little bit airy-fairy? How do I put the principle into action? Just dont date until Im ready to
marry? Is that the only answer?
Make A Decision
The first thing you have to do is make a decision, a conscious choice to guard your heart,
to save your whole self for that one man or one woman God has for you. It doesnt matter if
youve been in love once before, and have a small wound in your heart, or if youve been in love
fifteen times and feel like your heart is scattered about, or if youve never been in love at all.
Whatever your past experience has been, make a decision now to save your heart.
Mary Beth Bonacci, the popular chastity speaker, has been asked several times, how to
want purity. Hearing the message, people want to be pure, but there is still a large part of them
that doesnt want it. So they ask, how can I want purity? What if I sort of want it, but not
completely? This doesnt just apply to sexual and emotional purity. Because of original sin, we
fall in many areas of our lives. We want to be holy; we want to be saints, but not completely. Sin
can seem very attractive at times! The important thing to remember is that you arent completely
in control. God is. Trying to control your urges to fall in love, trying to control your urges to have
sex, are good things to do, but you cant do it alone. Dont worry so much about wanting purity.
That will come in time. For now, cry out to God in those moments when you feel you are leaning
towards giving your heart, when you are developing a crush or an infatuation on someone who is
wrong for you, or on someone who could be right for you, but not at this time.
The best thing you can do is to form a closer relationship with Our Lord. Go to Mass as
often as you can, and offer your Communion for emotional purity. Tell God youre scared! Tell
Him that youre unsure! Ask Him for His help. He is aching to help you, to lift you up. Ask Him to
help your fear, pray to Him every day, and He will help you. He knows and understands that your
desire for Him isnt absolutely perfect, that its sometimes clouded by other conflicting desires.
Make your prayer that of the father in Mark 9: 23-24. Immediately the father of the child cried out
and said, Lord, I believe, help thou my unbelief!
Joan Carroll Cruz relates the message of Our Lord to an unknown mystic, When you
approach to receive Mereceive Me with these intentions of feeling all the glowing desire and

love with which the heart of any mortal has ever been inflamed. I will accept this love and
preparation, not as it is in you, but what you desire your love and preparation to be.4
When we first make emotional purity a part of our lives, its very exciting. Sometimes this
feeling lasts a long time, sometimes just a short time. Sooner or later, temptation will arise to test
our resolve. I havent seen, heard from, or been in love with Jack for quite some time now. Ive
made a commitment to emotional purity, but I fall at times. I often find it hard to view men as my
brothers in Christ. Once, at Mass, just a few months ago, I saw a young man about my age, who
was praying devoutly. He was well dressed and handsome, and my heart gave a little jump.
Hmmm, I wonder if hes single? I cant see his left hand from here, so I cant tell if hes married.
Look at the way hes praying, he obviously loves Our Lord. At some point, I realized that I was
too busy wondering about the marital status of Mystery Man to pray myself. I was lusting in my
heart, lust of the emotions.
Purity of the heart doesnt just mean not dating until youre ready to get married, it means
seeing those around you as your brothers and sisters in Christ. If you have made it a habit to
look at every man around you as Exhibit A: Potential Husband, as I was doing in my life, then you
need to be aware of this and recognize it as emotional lust. Theres nothing wrong with being
physically attracted to someone you know. God made us to be attracted to one another. But you
need to keep your heart under dominion of your intellect, your desire for purity, your values and
beliefs. You may have trouble with this. I know I still struggle with it, sometimes every day!
Recognize your struggles for what they are, admit them to yourself and ask for Gods help. It
wont be long before youre focussed on Him again.

Accountability
One of the best practical steps you can take towards emotional purity is accountability.
Its not popular, it isnt always fun, but it works. Turn to the person you trust most in your life, your
mom and/or dad, your older sister, your priest, whoever. Have the courage to humbly admit that
you have a problem in the area of emotional purity. Explain to them why you feel convicted to
change, and how you want to do that. Then, ask them to hold you accountable. Ask them to
check up on you, and ask how youre doing holding to your conviction. Share with them when
you fall in this area and most importantly, ask them to pray for you. The person you choose to
share this with should be someone who you already feel very close to, so this conversation
should flow naturally out of the many conversations and sharing you already with have them.
I know this can seem very scary and humiliating! When I first heard of the concept of
emotional purity and made the decision to guard my heart, it was almost the same for me after
the decision as before. I still looked at almost every man my age at church as a potential spouse,
and though I prayed about it, I felt very burdened and lonely in this problem. I discussed it with
my parents, and asked them to hold me accountable. My mother is one of the most practical,
unromantic people I know, and Id always taken pains to seem that way too. Admitting this to her
and my dad was very difficult. I cried a lot when I told them, so I empathize completely with those
of you who think, Yeah right! No way am I telling other people about this!
As with most things, it isnt as scary as it seems beforehand. After the initial shame,
embarrassment, fear etc is over, the joy of sharing your difficulties with someone you deeply trust
will fill you with relief. Your walk will be made much, much easier by doing this.
What if I dont have a problem in this area?
Lets say for a moment that youre really good at guarding your heart. You havent had
this problem and can honestly say that you view the opposite sex as your brothers or sisters in
Christ. Do you still need to think about emotional purity? The answer is yes. Even though you
may be good at guarding your heart, you cant assume that others are. It isnt obvious when
someone has a problem with emotional purity, they dont walk around with a t-shirt advertising it.
4

Cruz, Joan Carroll, Prayers and Heavenly Promises, 1990. Imprimatur, Archbishop Francis B. Schulte,
1989. Tan Books and Publishers, Rockford, IL. Pg 8, emphasis added.

Going out for coffee with your friend from church is perfectly innocent, and is in no way meant to
be construed as a date. The thought never crossed your mind! But what is she thinking? As she
sits across from you, sipping her coffee and discussing the youth group, her heart may be beating
wildly and her thoughts may be in overdrive.
I cant believe it! Im actually having coffee with Mike! Does he like me? He paid for my
coffee, which must mean he likes me, right? I saw him talking to my dad after Mass last week,
maybe he discussed the possibility of courtship!
Though it may seem amusing, people who struggle to be emotionally pure really think
this way at times. We find it very hard to separate our fantasy from the reality. Because we want
to be in love so much and are so willing to let our hearts go, we tend to fall in love with a fantasy,
and take any scrap of evidence, no matter how small, to support our idea that the other person
feels the same way.
It isnt only the flighty romantic girl that is emotionally impure. She may have fewer
struggles in this area than Miss Practical who works on cars with her dad during the summer.
The man who wears Kodiak boots, a checked flannel shirt and dirty jeans may have a yearning
heart in his chest, a heart that struggles in his desire for love.
Up until now, Ive talked more about women than men, as I write what I know. However,
it must be pointed out that some men struggle just as much. Men have been more conditioned to
hide their emotions, to be manly. The point is that it might not be obvious to you who would have
trouble in this area and who wouldnt.
I was a member on a Catholic singles website for a time, the purpose being to find devout
Catholics for courtship. I corresponded with many men and became good friends with some of
them. Sometimes correspondences would break off; sometimes theyd go on a long time. It was
all standard. Shortly before I decided to come off the website and pursue other interests, I had a
correspondence with a man Ill call Roger. We shared long emails about many different subjects,
and had a telephone conversation that lasted several hours, which is uncommon for me, being a
notorious phone-hater!
I liked Roger very much, but I had liked other men Id written to as well. If the
correspondence broke off, I would be a little sad but not overly so. After all, we had a good
connection between us, but wed never actually met in person. At the time, I was having
conversations with my parents who were holding me accountable to emotional purity, and I was
writing to other men as well, so I didnt have my heart all wrapped up in Roger, or in fantasies
about him. I didnt think about how he was feeling about it, as he was a man! Men dont need to
worry about emotional purity, or so I thought.
A serious concern arose in my correspondence with Roger, and my father, who was also
writing to Roger, asked him not to call or write to me anymore until the situation was resolved.
My father was courteous and sympathetic, but firm. Roger blew up and sent my dad a vicious
email, attacking him and twisting everything my dad said to make him sound like a lunatic.
Through his email it became obvious that he had assumed he and I were headed to the altar and
it was only a matter of time until hed be looking for an engagement ring. (Remember, Id never
actually met him in person.) I can sincerely say, especially as I had involved my parents in the
process of getting to know this guy, that I didnt lead him on or try to influence him to think about
marriage. I had liked him, yes, but I didnt know him very well, as evidenced by the surprise I felt
upon reading the nasty letter he sent my dad.
My dad is manly enough to dismiss false attacks for what they are (Look at this email!
Oh well Ill go start the barbeque for dinner.), but I spent a little more time dwelling on the
incident. Id misjudged this guy in two ways. Because we didnt know each other very well, or for
very long, and had never met in person, I had no idea just how disrespectful he would be towards
my dad. (A note to guys, it is very important to your girlfriend, or at least it should be, that you
love her dad and treat him with honour.) The other way Id misjudged Roger was that I thought
he felt the same way as I did. I was stunned to realize that some men, and men who seem very
manly, can be just as emotionally impure and prone to romantic fantasy as women.
Men, theres no shame in realizing that you have a problem in this area. Recognizing
and admitting it is the first step. We all desire to be loved, and so it makes sense that you would
hunger for love as much as women do.

Women, dont assume that men are emotionally pure. Love them like a brother in Christ,
and dont say or do anything that might lead them to struggle.
So, what does all this mean? Going back to the coffee with a friend from church
example, does this mean I can never go out and play soccer with my friend like we do every
week, because he might think I like him? Does this mean I cant offer to help my friend carry her
books home from school, because she might interpret it wrongly?
No! You should still go out and have fun with your friends! You should still be chivalrous
and open doors for her and pay for her coffee! But, be balanced. Scrutinize your conversation
and be sure to leave no hint of anything beyond friendship in your words. Balance your time
alone with that person, with time alone with other people of the opposite sex. If, as a woman,
youre only friends with one guy, cultivate friendships with other men and mention this in your
conversations with your original guy friend. Same thing goes for the men. If you feel that there
may already be a problem, spend less time alone with that person and more time with them in a
larger group. Most importantly, pray for yourself that you are guarded and loving towards your
brothers and sisters in Christ, and for your friends that they may be pure in heart and seek Our
Lords love more than any other.
It may seem simplistic, but it works. When I go out for lunch with my friend, Mark, he
holds the door for me and refuses to let me pay for my own meal. He is intelligent, witty and
committed to his faith. As I struggle with purity of the heart, I found myself wondering if he liked
me and trying to find evidence to support that he did. I thought about him several times a day.
When I became aware of what I was doing, I told my parents and started praying that I would
stop. The feelings I had faded very quickly, as it was infatuation based on fantasy, not true love
and I can truly say I now view my friend as my brother in Christ. My process was helped
enormously by the fact that there has never been a hint of anything but brotherly care and
affection on the part of my friend. He has always been chivalrous, gallant, authentically
masculine, but he has treated me as a sister in Christ. He has loved me truly, as God wants us to
love others, and for this, I am abundantly grateful.
A general rule for women is to keep in mind the fact that, if he hasnt asked for more than
friendship, he isnt interested in more than friendship. This can be hard to realize, but its freeing
at the same time. In the case with Mark, realizing that hed never mentioned anything beyond
friendship freed my thoughts from wondering incessantly if he wanted to court me. It hurt a little
to realize that he didnt, but it also allowed me to view him as my brother, not as a potential
spouse. Even if you strongly think a man is interested in you, dont assume until he explicitly
states his intentions.
Men, in a desire to serve your sisters in Christ, dont flirt with women you arent interested
in. This is an extremely unloving thing to do. When you are interested in a woman, and have
prayed about it, and feel it is time to express your interest, do so! Dont hint to her, hoping shell
take the first step. Be manly and lead the way!
Reading Material
Another practical step to take, and one I highly recommend is not to read material that
isnt pertinent to your life at this point. God has given you the gift of singleness and asks you to
wait on Him to bring you that perfect person for you, at the perfect time. But they who wait for
the Lord will renew their strength, they will mount up with wings, like eagles. (Is. 40:31) Most
married women dont read magazines targeted to teenaged girls, most retired men dont read
books on how to save money for retirement. Theyve been through those stages in their life and
left them behind.
As a single person, you are at an important stage in your life. This isnt a time to sit
around waiting for your prince (or princess) to come. Pray about what God wants you to do with
your life and then do it! Whether its volunteering at the soup kitchen, serving your family by
helping to teach your younger siblings, or getting an education at university, embrace your
singleness and realize that when you get married, youll never be single again! This is a relatively
short time in your life, so use it well! Examine your heart and work on becoming the person God
wants you to be. I have found that reading books on virtue or on areas I need to work on have
been helpful for me.

However, this brings us back to the recommendation about reading that I made above.
Just as one no longer reads or watches the books or movies that arent pertinent to their life
anymore, one shouldnt read books that will be pertinent in the future, but arent right now.
Like a lot of young women, I want to get married and used to spend time dreaming about
how I would homeschool my kids, or where our family would live. My mom often read books on
marriage or family, as this helped her in her walk as a wife and mother. She would talk about
how great some of these books are, and then I would read them. Yes, I learned some things
from them, but since I had no husband or children to put these learned principles into action with,
I quickly forgot them. I was left without the principles Id learned, and with gained romantic
fantasy material. I became very dissatisfied about my single state. See, God, Im preparing, Im
trying to be ready, I want to get married, wheres my groom?
Not long ago, I made a decision to only read books that I can actually learn from in my
single state, that I can put into practice and truly take to heart. My mom bought two books
recently, about marriage and parenting. I was interested in both, and my mom praised both
highly, but I didnt read them. I already have yearnings for marriage and intimacy and children.
The only reason to read those books now would be to feed my yearnings and desire, leading to
dissatisfaction with my life and inappropriate thoughts when I am around men my age.
Yes, Ill still read those books! Ill borrow them from my mom when I am married or
engaged, and learn from them then, but now is not the appropriate time. For everything there is
a season, and a time for every matter under heaven. (Ecc. 3:1.) Granted, some single people
can read these books and not have struggles with their emotions, but if you have made it a habit
to pore over bridal catalogues or read books on communication in a marriage, examine your
heart. Ask yourself: Why am I reading this? What are my motives? Am I reading to grow closer
to God and use the knowledge Ive gained in my daily life? Is this activity helping me to rejoice in
my singleness or is it leading me to discontent with my unmarried state? An honest evaluation
will help you decide to keep reading, or put the book aside.
What about preparation?
You may think, Shouldnt I be preparing myself for marriage, though? Yes and no. The
things you need to learn to be a good spouse should be learned anyway, whether you get
married or not. One of the things I found myself doing was using every virtue I grew in, every skill
I learned to further my romantic dreams. For example, I realized a number of years ago that I
wasnt very respectful of my father. We didnt have a great relationship. At the time, I was
fourteen or fifteen and not thinking of marriage. My dad and I grew in our relationship and are
very close now. I dont find speaking to him respectfully to be a challenge at all. Its a non-issue.
I caught myself thinking, Im more ready for marriage now. Because I respect my dad, Ill also
respect my husband. While it may be true that Im more ready for marriage, thats not the reason
I needed to grow in the area of respect. I needed to grow in that area because God is calling me
to be more virtuous and more respectful of my father who deserves my esteem.
To use another example, I love to cook and have broadened my skills over the years, to
the point where I feel I can honestly say that I can cook almost anything. Except bread. The few
times I attempted bread were a dismal failure. Crunchy and black on the outside, raw and
doughy on the inside. I decided one day that I had to learn to bake bread. If Im going to get
married, I really should have this skill! I tried a few more times, and the loaves were slightly
better, but not much. (Dark brown on the outside, chewy and rubbery on the inside.) I became
frustrated and bored. My only reason for making this bread was so that I could say Id learned
another skill for my future marriage, so that I could smell my bread baking and dream of my future
kitchen where Id produce this delicious smell for my husband and children. Having no husband
and children, I gave up very quickly. Why should I put myself through this frustration and waste
of ingredients for a fantasy?
Fast forward to this year. My mother was talking about bread and I decided to have a
crack at it again. Not for future wee ones running about, but for myself, because this was a skill
Id never mastered and I wanted to try again. It would be a nice and neat ending to the story to
say that I am now a champion bread maker, but such is not the case. My loaves are edible,
which is more than I can say of my earlier attempts.

The point is that you do need to prepare yourself for marriage, but thats a by-product of
preparing yourself for life, for sainthood. If you look at yourself and realize that you need to be
more loving, dont try to be more loving for your future husband, but for God, because God is
calling you to a deeper faith life in Him! If you look around your bachelor pad, and the floor is
sticky and filthy, dont think, Well, my future wife would be disgusted, I better mop. Mop for
yourself so that you dont have to live in a messy home!
Seek virtue for the sake of virtue, cleanliness and cooking skills for the sake of
cleanliness and cooking skills, not for the sake of future marriage. Prepare yourself in the life
skills you need, and the virtues God is calling you to, and when that person comes along, you will
be prepared for them.
Courtship
Most of this article has been targeted to singles, those who are still waiting for their future
spouse. But, what if youre in a courtship? Is the season for guarding your heart over with now?
As you may have guessed, the answer is no. In his book Boy Meets Girl, Joshua Harris tells the
story of his courtship with his wife, Shannon. He gives practical advice on how to guard your
heart and grow in friendship and love at the same time. I believe that in a God-glorifying,
wisdom-guided courtship we have two central priorities. The first is to treat each other with
holiness and sincerity; the second is to make an informed and wise decision about marriage.5 It
is a tricky line to walk, but if you make the decision at the beginning of your courtship to guard
your heart and the heart of the other person, and consistently ask yourself how you are doing in
this area, it can be done. Joshua Harris outlines three areas that couples need to grow in during
a courtship: Friendship, fellowship and romance.
Friendship
Friendship is the first step, the foundation that you will be basing your relationship on, so
you had better make it a strong one! As a general rule, men shouldnt ask a woman into a
courtship until they are friends. The point of courtship, unlike dating for the sake of dating, or for
fun, is to discern marriage. If he doesnt know her very well, it is more likely the courtship will
end with broken hearts. Men, ask yourself why you are interested in courting this woman. Is it
because she looks pretty sitting in front of you at Mass? Or because through your friendship, you
have come to see that she is virtuous and would make a godly wife and mother? Obviously you
should be attracted to the person you are courting, but this cant be the prime motivator in the
relationship.
Growing in friendship takes a conscious decision on both sides to get to know the other
person better. Ask questions and listen to the answers. Find out what motivates the other
person, inspires them and scares them. Spend time together, in groups and with each others
families. You can also spend time alone, but I highly recommend getting to know each others
families, if possible. I understand that some people reading this no longer live at home and are
very far away from their families, or for whatever reason, dont have a great relationship with their
families. If this is the case, spend time with your closest friends, and ask them what they think of
this person. Your friendship can still grow through spending time with others, and you will get
more of a sense of what the other person is really like.
If you spend time all alone, and eventually decide to marry this person, you will have to
get to know their family then. Problems in communication, or family difficulties you didnt know
about, may surface, leaving you unsure of what this person will really be like after youre married.
Know them in the context of those they are closest to, and you wont have any scary surprises to
deal with later.
This was one of the biggest mistakes I made in my relationship with Jack. Our families
were close friends, but whenever we had dinner together, (at least once a week) after the meal
was over, Jack and I would go outside and go for a long walk and talk. I got to know him very
5

Harris, Joshua. Boy Meets Girl. 2000, Multnomah Publishers, Sisters, OR, pg. 83 All further references
to this resource will be cited by page number parenthetically in the text.

well, or so I thought. In reality, I got to know the Jack he presented to me and the Jack I thought
he was based on my fantasy of him rather than his answers to questions I should and could have
asked. My mother would occasionally voice some misgivings about their family and some of the
beliefs they had. I never paid much attention. After all, I was in love with Jack, not his family,
right? WRONG!!! Alarm bells should have been going off in my head. I always felt a little
uncomfortable around Jacks father at the time. He would corner me in the kitchen before I went
outside after the meal and quote Scripture at me for half an hour, not allowing me to get a word in
edgewise. I chalked my discomfort up to shyness and forgot about it. Jack wouldnt turn out like
that, I knew it!
And Jack didnt turn out like that. He rebelled against his familys precepts and got
himself kicked out of the house.
Years later, I look back on the entire dynamic, and remember things I saw and dismissed,
things my mother said and I ignored, and I am stunned at how nave and immature I was. I
should have spent more time talking with other members of the family and less time on romantic
moonlit walks with Jack and I should have asked him questions about his goals and beliefs
instead of listening to whatever he chose to talk about. (Motorcycles and roller blades.)
I learned the hard way, but thanks to Gods mercy, I no longer have contact with Jack. I
could be married to him now, bound to a non-Catholic drug user. Dont get yourself into this kind
of situation. Be alert and prudent from the beginning of any friendship, ask the right questions
and spend time with others, and you wont have regrets of your own to look back on.
Finally, it is easier to guard your hearts when you are not gazing into each others eyes
over a gourmet meal every Friday night. Spend more time in the light of reality than candlelight.
Friends who spend a lot of time alone will likely end up as more than friends. The common
argument is that you will never to get to know each other well if you spend most of your time with
others. Its a lie. Serving together, on a mission trip or at a seniors home, making dinner
together with your family, bringing your young siblings to the park with your friend, are all ways of
growing close in the light of reality.
A word of caution, however. Becoming close friends with this person, even in the
company of others, may still lead to struggles guarding your heart. The same principle that
applies to singles applies to those who are seeking their spouse. Become friends with lots of
members of the opposite sex. This helps you guard your heart, and also gives you ample
opportunity to learn from your peers, making you more aware of what type of person you want to
eventually marry.
My grandfather recounts a humbling experience in his life: As a young man, he worked
as a mechanic. The owner of the garage he worked for asked him to transfer to a garage in a
small town in northern Ontario, White River. The winters there were brutally cold, the population
was fewer than 700, and there were no large cities anywhere close by. My grandpa went, but
was very unhappy about it. His plan was to get out of White River as soon as possible. That is,
until he met the postmistress, Hughetta. She looked like a movie star. She was the most
beautiful woman in White River. After getting to know her, and discovering her deep faith,
virtues, gentleness and sharp wit, Grandpa asked her out. They prayed a rosary together on their
first date.
After a year or so, Grandpa loved Hughetta and felt that God was telling him that this was
his wife. So he bought a ring, knelt down and asked her to marry him. She laughed, and said,
Walter, what are you talking about? Were just friends!
Grandpa put the ring away, but couldnt quite bring himself to return it. So he kept
courting, and kept praying.
Hughetta wasnt being cruel; she really thought Walter was joking. After all, she had
many friends, male and female, and had gone out and spent time with all of them. She didnt see
this friendship as any different. She had guarded her heart very well, and wasnt sitting around
waiting for marriage.
When my grandpa tells me this story, I always marvel at that young woman. How could
she not know he loved her? How could she not have entertained the thought of marriage to this
handsome young mechanic? There are two answers.
One is that some people are better at guarding their hearts than others. The young
postmistress from White River obviously didnt struggle as much in this area as some do.

Grandpa hadnt explicitly stated his intentions to her, so she didnt assume. (Men, obviously you
want to avoid a situation like that. It seems scary, but be upfront with your intentions right away.
If you want to discern marriage with a woman, tell her so.) But the other answer is that she had a
wide circle of friends. She would go out for coffee with her friend James on Monday, and would
meet my grandpa for coffee the next day. They were the same thing to her. She did want to get
married some day and believed that if that were Gods will, He would send her the right husband.
But for now, she had friends, she had family, she had a job and was active in her parish. She
was satisfied in her life and didnt feel lacking. The lesson we can take from this: cultivate many
friendships in your life of both sexes. Be active and fulfilled in the life God has given you, and
guarding your heart wont be as difficult.
One more thing about the mechanic and the postmistress. Several months later, Walter
sensed that God was telling him to ask again. He put aside his fear and his doubts and tucked
the engagement ring into his pocket again. During that time, Hughetta had been thinking more
about Walter and realizing that he had been serious. Through her reflections, she had come to
see his honesty and forthrightness. Through their continuing friendship, she had grown to love
him.
He asked a second time, she said yes. They were married in July and my mother was
born three years later.
As you grow in friendship, relax in this season of getting to know each other. Whether
youre getting to know someone to determine if you want to start a courtship, or getting to know
them better within a courtship, focus on the other person as an individual, and not so much as the
other half of the couple you make. Joshua Harris states it in this way: In your conversations and
questions, avoid talking about the relationship. Instead, seek to learn about each other. Dont
grab for more intimacy than is warranted. The focus will change as mutual confidence about
commitment deepens. Youll earn access to each others hearts over time. Remember that
premature exclusivity in your courtship can cause both of you to depend on it more than is wise.
Be faithful to your current friendships and responsibilities. As the relationship progresses, youll
make more and more space for each other. (87)
A few years ago, I was corresponding with an American man named Phil from the singles
website I mentioned earlier. Our letters were certainly geared towards getting to know the other
person with the intent of deciding if there should be a relationship. After a month or so, Phil made
arrangements to come to Canada and meet me. He had never explicitly spoken the possibility of
a relationship, though I understood from the questions he asked me in letters and on the phone,
that that was what we were discerning. After spending time with each other, Phil and I knew that
our personalities were very different and it wasnt Gods will for us to be more than friends. After
he left, I felt surprised at myself that there was no sadness. I realized that it was because of how
honourable Phil had acted. He hadnt spoken of the relationship, he hadnt grabbed for intimacy
unfairly. He had guarded my heart and his own, and had therefore made our discernment clear.
Fellowship
The second area that you need to grow in is fellowship. Sharing your faith with this
person is the most important thing you can do for them, and for you as a couple. You need to
grow spiritually together in order to discern if you are supposed to be married, all the while
remaining conscious of guarding your heart. It is crucial at this time to involve God in your
discernment process. Does God want me to be with this person? Is our relationship based on a
true love of God and a desire to serve Him? Do we go to Mass together? Do we spend a part of
our time together praying, and sharing our thoughts on what weve learned spiritually? Are we
encouraging each other on our daily walk, helping each other to run the race (2 Tim. 4:7)
towards holiness? Joshua Harris writes: Guarding the fruit of fellowship means increasing
your love and passion for God, not your emotional dependence on each other[Some couples]
use the faade of talking about spiritual things to share very private details about themselves
prematurely. Although theres a place forasking for accountability, [we must still guard our
hearts.] If youre beginning to look to each other as your main source of comfort, encouragement,
and courage, something is wrong. Remind each other to find your souls satisfaction in God
alone. (88-89)

Men should be ready and willing to step forward and lead in the area of fellowship. Yes,
women should contribute just as much to spiritual growth in the relationship, but the real driving
force should come from the man. If a man is not willing to lead in this (most important) area, he
will not be willing to lead in other areas, and there is no reason to expect this to change after
marriage. Many modern women are exhausted from trying to balance the natural role of following
that God made them for, and the role of leading that they have stepped into, as it is left vacant by
their husbands, who, on the whole, are nice guys but dont understand what it means to be a
spiritual warrior, a head of the home.
God created men to lead, so take up the sword! Leadership is a form of service, and it
requires hard work and sacrifice, but it is a huge part of your vocation as a man. In his book Wild
At Heart, John Eldredge comments on Isaiah 61:3. (They will be called oaks of righteousness.)
There, under the shadow of a mans strength, a woman finds rest. The masculine journey takes
a man away from the woman so that he might return to her. He goes to find his strength; he
returns to offer it. He tears down the walls of the tower that has held her He speaks to her
hearts deepest question in a thousand ways. Yes, you are lovely. Yes, there is one who will fight
for you. But because most men have not yet fought the battle, most women are still in the
tower.6
Women, this does not mean that we will never take the initiative to lead, but it does mean
that we cant make it a habit to do so all the time. We need to be willing to let go, step back and
allow men to lead. We need to encourage them when they are leading, we need to be patient
and at peace. We react in very different ways than men do, and at times, their way of leading can
be frustrating to us. Its tempting to think, What is he thinking? I could do this better! Dont
undermine him as a man, or attempt to take over. This is part of what it means to be submissive,
to allow the man to carry out his God-given role.
Submission isnt a popular word anymore, and it is true that many Christian men have
abused their wives under the guise of submission. Consider what Peter Kreeft has to say about
submission: We fail to see the energy in submissiveness because there is still a deep vestige of
male chauvinism from the world in its prejudice against submissiveness. Women have nearly
always been regarded as the weaker sex. However, even physically, this is true only in certain
situations. Men play football better, but women live longer and bear babies better. Women are
not weaker. But they are more submissive. The physical fact that a woman is on the receiving
end in intercourse, coupled with the fact that the physical is the image of the spiritual (unless we
are ghosts in machines rather than psychosomatic unities), leads logically to the conclusion that a
womans spirit, like her body, is by nature more submissive than mans. The male chauvinist
agrees with this conclusion but sees it as proof of a womans inferiority. The modern feminist or
unisexist disagrees with the conclusion because it seems to lead to the chauvinist corollary. But
both feminists and chauvinists misunderstand submissiveness. Submissiveness is not weakness
or inferiority.
Jesus was submissive, utterly submissive to His Father. I come not to do my own will,
but the will of Him who sent me. Jesus is the definitive, revolutionary refutation of male
chauvinism without the foolishness of unisexism. He revolutionizes submissiveness; He shows it
as a mark of strength, not weakness. He is submissive to His Father while being absolutely equal
to Him, sharing fully and completely the divine nature. Jesus Christ forever shows us what it
means for sons to submit to fathers, wives to husbands, the Church to God Himself. Spiritually,
we are all feminine, say the mystics. And that is the secret of our strength.7
As you grow in fellowship, the same principles for guarding your heart apply. It can be
tempting to think, Hes doing such a great job leading me in fellowship; I knew hed make a great
husband! Shes so humble and holy, shell be a wonderful mother to our children someday!
If this is occurring at the beginning of the courtship, it isnt godly, and it is not serving the
other person. You should be admiring of the other persons virtues, but resist the temptation
towards emotional fantasies just as strongly (if not more so) as when you were single.
Remember, just because you are in a courtship, does not mean that you are definitely
going to get married. You are in a discernment process.
6
7

Eldredge, John. Wild At Heart, 2001. Thomas Nelson Publishers, Nashville, TN, Pg 187
Kreeft, Peter. Back To Virtue, 1992. Ignatius Press, San Francisco, CA. Pg 141-142

Finally, the relationship you had with God as a single is just as important now. Talk to
God about your relationship with this person and ask Him to help you guard your emotions and
curb your fantasies.
Romance
The final area to grow in is romance. You need to be very cautious about awakening this
area of your relationship. You should not be romantic with one another until you have a strong
foundation in both friendship and fellowship. If you trust this person, have a strong friendship, a
strong fellowship and feel that God is calling you to deeper commitment, than romance is
appropriate. Before that, it clouds your reasoning and makes it very difficult to make an objective
decision about the relationship.
Joshua Harris gives practical guidelines: One guideline for what we do and dont do
during courtship is that we never want our romantic expression to promise more commitment than
we would be ready to express in words. It should grow as our confidence about marriage
increases. The goal is to tell the truth about the relationship. It doesnt serve a girl if a mans
romantic expression is too far aheadGentlemen, when we know that we want to marry a girl,
we can begin to actively seek to win her heart. God-honouring wooing is neither licentious nor
manipulative. Its pure, its sincere and its backed up by a desire for a lifelong commitment. (9091)
There isnt anything wrong in bringing a woman a bouquet of flowers, but you need to
match your romantic gestures with growth in the other areas.
Women, if you are in a relationship, and you feel that a man is being too romantic and
you are having trouble guarding your heart (I dont mean when youre engaged, I mean when
youre still discerning and you dont know him really well yet), and his romantic gestures are
making it hard for you to honestly discern and evaluate the friendship and fellowship, be honest
and tell him whats going on in your heart. Men will appreciate the honesty, and should be
respectful of your wishes. Dont expect that a man will know by instinct what is leading you to
trouble with your emotions. A friend of mine used to get all in a fluster every time her boyfriend
brought her roses. If a man brought me roses every single time he saw me, Id think that was
nice (and too extravagant) but it wouldnt lead me to jump ahead of things in the relationship.
However, if a man kissed me while we were still discerning marriage, I would have a lot of trouble
discerning. For me, a kiss would have to happen after Im engaged so it doesnt cloud my
reasoning. On the other hand, a woman I know has been with her boyfriend for a few years, and
they kiss frequently, (yet chastely) and it doesnt lead to heart struggles for her. Every woman
has a different trigger, so dont assume that if your boyfriend is doing something that is causing
you to struggle, that he isnt being loving of you. He doesnt know whats going on in your heart
unless you tell him.
Accountabilityagain?
As mentioned above, the principles you relied on as a single person still apply to you in a
courtship. One of the most important things you can do as a couple trying to discern marriage is
to have accountability to another couple. Ideally, this couple would be your parents and/or the
parents of the person you are courting. Sometimes this doesnt always work out, in which case
you should choose a couple you are close with, a couple you admire and look up to, a couple
who has been married for some time and displays the values and devotion to God that you want
to foster in your own relationship. This does not mean that you bring this other couple along on
dates, or that you tell them everything that is said between the two of you. It does mean that you
tell them of any areas of struggle you may have in the relationship with emotional or sexual
impurity, trouble communicating openly etc, and ask for their guidance, encouragement and
prayers. As a couple, you can meet with them as often as you feel necessary, once a month,
once a week, etc.
It may seem very difficult to keep a focus in a relationship. Emotional infatuation, fantasy,
dreams. All of these get in the way of an honest vision for a couple. Staying focussed on the
stage of a courtship you are in requires all of the steps mentioned above, and also other people

to help hold you to them. You should keep talking to the person you were accountable to when
you were single, asking for their help as an individual, but you are on a new path now, a path of
growing closeness with another person, and the best people to help you with accountability are
other couples.
When you first start meeting with another couple, tell them your vision for the relationship,
how long you have been together, what you see for the future, what physical restrictions you have
put on the relationship and areas of difficulty you may have as a couple. Ask them each time you
meet for advice they may have and be humble enough to really take their words to heart.
If they have concerns about your relationship, dont think you know better than them.
Listen to their concerns, even though they may be hard to hear, and earnestly pray and consider
what they have said. Even if you are thirty-five years old, you are still under the authority of your
parents, and if your parents are godly and seeking the best for you, do not take their counsel
lightly. I remember my mother telling me when I was in my relationship with Jack that she
thought it wasnt a very healthy dynamic. You listen while he talks. Is he interested in anything
you have to say? Does he respect your values? You need to speak up and not be so meek and
quiet in this friendship. I was furious at the time. She doesnt know him like I do! She doesnt
understand what hes really like. Of course, my mother knew what she was talking about and my
stubborn belief that I knew better is yet another regret.
I realize that some people reading this may have had serious problems with their parents
growing up and may not have the kind of relationship where this is possible. This is why you
need to be able to go to other couples if the need arises. If your parents cant provide
accountability and advice for you, you need to find a couple that will.
The decisions you made at the beginning of your courtship may be difficult to put into
action as you grow closer and closer. Humbly ask the older couple to help you in these areas
and challenge you to stick to your convictions. It may seem awkward at first, but as you grow in
your courtship, you will have many occasions to be grateful for the reality checks the other couple
provides.
How far can I go?
There are a few more principles to keep in mind as you strive to guard your heart,
whether in a courtship or single. If a couple is trying to be sexually pure, it isnt conducive to
purity if they are making out in the backseat every date. Sure, they dont go all the way but they
are being impure all the same. John White writes, Defining coitus in terms of penetration and
orgasm has as much moral significance and as much logical difficulty as trying to define a beard
by the numbers of hair on a chinAn approach to the morality of premarital sex that is based on
the details of behaviour and parts of the body can satisfy only a Pharisee. A look can be as
sensual as touch, and a finger brushed lightly over a cheek as erotic as penetration.8
In the same way, it is very difficult to guard your heart if you are stretching your
boundaries and being a little bit emotionally lustful. It is almost impossible to allow yourself to
fantasize about being married to someone and then stop yourself before going all the way and
say that your heart is still guarded. Yes, as you become close to someone, it will occur to you
that they might make a good spouse. There is nothing sinful in these thoughts, just as there is
nothing sinful in a passing, unsought for, unwanted sexual thought. The problem arises when
you reach out and grab the passing thought, delight in it and hold onto it, cooing over it to
yourself. Allowing yourself to revel in fantasy or infatuation and imagining more commitment than
is really present, is not serving your heart and is not serving the other person. Once you begin to
step along the road of emotional lust, it is very hard to get off the road.
When these thoughts occur to you, say a quick prayer and ask God to help you focus on
the spot you are at in your relationship, or the gift of singleness He has given you, and if you are
in a relationship, think of something good about the friendship that is true, pushing the fantasy
away.
Saint Paul wrote, But immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be
named among you, as is fitting among saints. (Eph. 5:3, emphasis added.) When these
8

White, John. Eros Defiled, Intervarsity Press, 1977. Downers Grove, IL, Pg 53.

thoughts occur to you, dont name them, dont hang onto them and dont dwell on them for even a
short time. (Again, I am not referring to when you are going to marry someone. If you are
engaged, youre obviously going to plan and think about your marriage. Its the time to do so.
This is for when you are still getting to know the other person and trying to discern.) As you
journey towards sainthood, towards the true romance God intended for you, banish the thoughts
of covetousness and impurity as quickly as they came.
The Reality about Fantasy
A startling truth about fantasy is that it will never come true. You must realize this as you
strive for purity. Even if you marry Prince Charming, and have the fairytale wedding you
imagined, and the beautiful home you pictured yourself raising children in, youre still going to be
thrown for a loop. If you clung to fantasy before marriage, it is very hard to be stripped of it after
marriage. In his first book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Joshua Harris examines his heart and his
fantasies, Im ashamed to admit that I struggle with the tendency to equate marriage with sex.
When I picture being married, I almost immediately picture going to bed with my wife, as if thats
all married people do! Yes, husbands and wives do have sex, and theres nothing wrong with
looking forward to that important part of married life, but that cant be the extent of my vision. If I
foster the idea that sex is the chief purpose and end of marriage, Ill one day enter marriage
unprepared, and Ill face certain disappointment. I may be ready for the sack, but am I ready for
the sacrifice of married life?9
When we are being emotionally lustful, we are not ready for the sacrifice of married life.
One thing Ive noticed about my fantasies is that they always involve homeschooling my children
in a sunlit living room, going for walks with my husband in the evening after he gets home from
work, making nutritious meals for my family, playing my violin for a baby growing inside me to
hear.
Well, thats all very nice, and maybe Ill do those things one day, but isnt it interesting
that I never have daydreams about my husband coming home cranky because of a hard day at
work? I never daydream about being up all night with a sick baby, getting no sleep and then
having to homeschool hyper children the next day. I dont cling to fantasies about financial
difficulties and mortgage payments.
Analyze your fantasies and youll see what I mean. Of course we dream about the great
parts of marriage, but we have to realize that you cant have the great parts without the rough
patches. Its a whole package! Marriage requires a selflessness weve never experienced as
singles. It requires putting aside your own needs and putting those of your spouse and children
first. It requires reality, not fantasy.
If you enter a marriage still fantasizing, the rough parts of your married life are going to
be that much harder, because theyre going to come as a shock to you. Whether youre
fantasizing about a person you dont know yet, or a person youre in a courtship with, recognize
that your dreams are not reality. Bring your thoughts back to what is present and what is real,
and you wont be setting yourself up for disappointment later.
A Request to Men
In a courtship, it is easy to assume that we are going to marry this person, but as
mentioned above, we need to avoid the tendency towards those imaginings. Men, please realize
how difficult it is for women to guard their hearts. Just as women shouldnt wear provocative or
sexy clothing on a date, in order to guard the thoughts and purity of the man shes with, men
need to avoid talking about things that will lead to emotional impurity in women. According to
Joshua Harris, Wisdom calls us to base feelings on accurate information, not on distortionsIn
the season of courtship we have to fight the tendency to fill whats lacking in our knowledge of the
other person with emotion based on fantasy. (57)
Women already struggle in this area. Men, a true way to serve your sister in Christ is to
not say anything that will make it harder for her to be pure.
9

Harris, Joshua. I Kissed Dating Goodbye, 2003 edition. Multnomah Publishers, Sisters, OR, Pg 167

When I was in high school, my best friend, Jessica and I would spend hours together. A
portion of that time would always be spent watching chick flicks, discussing romance and
flipping through bridal catalogues. In one sense, we were bad for each other, as we had a
problem with emotional lust, didnt recognize the problem, and continually fed off each others
fantasies.
Shortly before I left for university, Jessica began a relationship with Will, a young man
shed met at an event for Christian youth. A few months after theyd begun seeing each other,
she told me that they were out driving in his car and they passed a beautiful house with carefully
landscaped grounds. Will said, Someday well live in a house like that. Jessica excitedly
related the story to me the next day, and I remember feeling annoyed with Jack that he wasnt a
little more blunt like Will. For weeks after this simple interchange, Jessica remembered his words
several times a day and glowed with the joy of feeling loved.
It may seem like a simple thing to say. It may seem very romantic. The truth is that it
isnt loving for men to talk that way, especially after only knowing someone for a few months.
Even if you are dating the most emotionally pure woman on earth, its nearly impossible for her to
guard her heart if you point out a house and say, Well live in a house like that someday. She
knows youre thinking about marrying her, and how does that guard her heart? If you talk this
way, youve failed in guarding the woman you love. Heres an analogy: Lets say youre watching
a movie together and theres a sex scene. Your girlfriend turns to you and says, Someday well
do that. Maybe thats an extreme example, but women have the same amount of difficulty
guarding their emotions as men do guarding their eyes and hormones. Recognize the efforts
your girlfriend makes towards guarding your purity through her actions and the clothes she wears,
and do the same for her through your actions and words. I adjure you, O daughters of
Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the hinds of the field, that you stir not up nor awaken love until it
please. (Song 2:7)
At this point, I want to sidetrack for a moment, and be sure that my meaning isnt
mistaken. I use the analogy of sex, as its easily understood. It is not my intention to suggest that
men are more sexually lustful than women, or that men cant control their sexual urges. In some
Christian (and even some Catholic) writings, the idea is often presented that sex is bad. Sex is
not bad. God created sex, and everything He created is good and holy. Also, contrary to popular
belief, women are not more sexually pure than men. Yes, there arent as many pictures of naked
men sold daily as pictures of naked women, but millions of trashy romance novels are sold a year
to women, often with very graphic sexual language used. My analogy of men guarding their eyes
and hormones to women guarding their hearts is not my way of implying that men are always (or
even often) lustful, or that sex is an evil to be avoided. Having a desire to get married is not
sinful, but emotional lust must be guarded against. Sexual lust is sinful, but a sexual desire is
not. There is a difference there.
I eventually lost contact with Jessica as we drifted apart due to geographical distance and
difference of character. A year ago, I received a short letter from her updating me on her life.
She had broken up with Will, and was having a hard time. Jessica (and probably Will too) had a
broken heart. After being together for a number of years, thats understandable. However,
Jessica has so many words of Wills to look back on, words of promise for marriage, words of
things they would do as husband and wife. This can only add to her pain. If Will had been truly
manly and truly loving, he would have refrained from making those comments until he was ready
to propose to Jessica. A good rule of thumb for men is to ask yourself before making a comment
about your future marriage, is there an engagement ring on her finger? If not, am I about to put
one there in the very near future? Keep those comments to yourself until you can answer yes to
those questions.
Because we cannot know how easy or hard it is for someone to guard his or her heart,
we must be alert to our own behaviours towards others. Christopher West, in his commentary on
Pope John Paul IIs Theology of the Body, writes, Its here [in the heart] that we experience the
battle between love and lust. Its here that we decide which force within us will hold sway in our
actionsIn John Paul IIs mind then, the opposite of love is not hatred. Its useThose who love
as Christ loves, and express that love in a manifestation of affection appropriate to the state of
their relationship, should receive the joy that flows from that expression as a gift from God. We
cross the line in the heart, however, when we seek that physical or emotional satisfaction as an

end in itselfwhen we treat another person, not as a person created for his or her own sake, but
as a means to our own selfish ends. This can happen all too easily.10
Breaking Up
Now, lets say for a moment that you look at your relationship and realize that you havent
guarded your heart and/or the heart of the other. Youve gone too far in your imaginings about
the future, and youve led the other person on with words of the future, before the time is
appropriate. Humbly admit this to the other person and ask for their forgiveness. Tell them you
will endeavour to guard them and yourself better in future and pray together on every date, for
emotional purity.
But what if you look at the relationship and realize that it is entirely based on fantasy and
that this person isnt actually right for you. Now what? If this is the case, you need to end the
relationship. It seems harsh, but what are your alternatives? You can continue to see this
person, leading them further on a road that cannot end happily, or you can lovingly, humbly end it
now.
It is never an easy conversation to have with someone, especially if you feel that you are
in love with them and are breaking both of your hearts. Many couples have ended their
relationships, only to end up together again a month later. It is better after a break up to not have
any contact for some time, to allow your hearts to heal and find comfort in God. If you are talking
together all the time and mourning together, you will seek comfort in each other and gravitate
towards one another again. And if one of you finds someone else, how is the other going to feel?
Sometimes couples lay down their relationships, recognizing that they havent been emotionally
pure, or that they arent ready for a relationship, or whatever. A few years later, when the time is
right, God resurrects that relationship and brings them back together in His time. More often, the
couples dont get back together. Whatever the outcome is, if you realize through reflection and
prayer that you need to stop seeing this person, pray for the courage and strength to end it as
soon as possible.
When you are deciding to end a relationship, have the strength to point the finger on
yourself and not the other person. When Adam and Eve fell in Eden, and God came to ask them
what happened, Adam pointed the finger not just on Eve, but also on God!11 The man said, The
woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree and I ate. (Gen. 3:12
emphasis added.) Ever since then, its been human nature to deflect blame from ourselves, even
onto our Maker. Im no better than Adam. Just the other day, I was praying and examining my
conscience. Not happy with what I saw there, I found myself saying to God, Well, if You hadnt
allowed that to happen, maybe I wouldnt have responded in that way. Immediately, I heard
Adams voice in my head, the woman whom thou gavest to me.
Its difficult to step up and say, Yes, Im the one who messed up. Im the one whos
wrong, but its the way of holiness, its the way of Christ. The prophet Isaiah writes, He was
despised and rejected by menhe was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he has
borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God, and
afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities; upon him
was the chastisement that made us whole, and with his stripes we are healedHe makes himself
an offering for sinHe bore the sin of many, and made intercession for the transgressors. (Is.
53: 3-5, 10, 12.) Saint Paul goes further to say, For our sake, he made him to be sin who knew
no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. (2 Cor. 5:21 emphasis added.)
Christ, the innocent, took our sins and the punishment for them upon Himself. He asks
us to take responsibility for what we have done, and to stop pointing the finger at others. When
its time to end a relationship, and we look at all the mistakes weve made were inevitably going
to see mistakes the other person made as well. The fault is never solely on one side. Serious
grievances do need to be aired, and it is not my intention to give the impression that you should
10

West, Christopher. Good News About Sex And Marriage, 2000. St. Anthony Messenger Press,
Cincinnati, OH. Pg 73-74, emphasis added.
11
Dr. Scott Hahn first pointed this out in his tape series on Genesis, The Covenant as a Family Affair,
available from St. Joseph Communications, Inc.

let others walk all over you, but for the most part, the mistakes another person has made are their
business. When you tell them you need to end things, humbly explain what you have done wrong
in the relationship, explain how you have become convicted that you need to stop seeing them,
apologize for your mistakes and ask forgiveness. Unless it is a serious issue, and you feel it
serves them to be blunt, you do not need to point out all of the things they said and did wrong. As
they listen to you talk, if they are honest with themselves, they will realize that they also made
mistakes. Whether they bring them up or not isnt really your concern. Youre not here for
revenge, youre here to end a relationship because you love the other as Christ wants you to love
them and ending the relationship is the best thing for them at this time. This is true love, true
godly service of others.
This takes great character strength and is very, very hard to do, and you may find your
resolve faltering as you talk to this person. You may find yourself thinking, Butbutshe did
worse things to me than I did to her! Cry out to Christ for His help in making your sacrifice and
He will renew your strength.
Whether or not the other person becomes convicted of their mistakes later isnt your
problem. If your actions are right, godly and in the service of others, then their actions in
response to your actions do not reflect on you in any way. How another person deals with what
we say, if we say what God wants us to say, is their action, their decision. As difficult as it is, let
go of your pride and leave the judging of character to God. Man looks on the outward
appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart. (1 Sam. 16: 7)
In my relationship with Jack, I wish I had ended things before his drug taking and various
sexual relationships ended them. Its easy for me to play the role of victim and look at all the
things he did to me. For a long time after things ended, I felt used and deceived. I felt wronged, I
certainly didnt feel wrong. This is the perspective of four years later, of course, but I now realize
that I wasnt blameless. If I could go back, Id like to be able to say that I was sorry for not being
completely honest with him about my own hopes and goals. Im sorry for not being emotionally
pure and for jumping ahead of where we were in the relationship. Im sorry for not returning his
phone calls after he took up with other girls. Im sorry for taking the cowardly way out and not
discussing my concerns and hurts with him. Im sorry for being so reserved at times that he had
to practically pull my words out of me to get my opinion on things.
I could have said those things. I should have said those things.
Its easy for me to play the victim, but in almost every situation there is blame on both
sides. The best situation would be if the man were willing to take responsibility and end things,
not because men are more at fault than women, but because it is mans privilege and
responsibility to be the protector, leader and warrior. However, if a woman is first to realize that a
relationship needs to end, she cant sit around waiting for the man to realize it too. With her
words and actions, she can tell of her failings and ask forgiveness, (hopefully) inspiring the man
to find his own strength within himself. John Eldredge writes, Femininity can never bestow
masculinity. Its like asking a pearl to give you a buffalo. Its like asking a field of wildflowers to
give you a 57 Chevy. They are different substances entirely Femininity can arouse
masculinity.12
As a woman, I should have aroused the masculinity, aroused the better part of Jack by
admitting my own failings and stepping forward in strength. Maybe the other person wont take
notice of their own faults now, but your words can plant a seed in their heart that may bear fruit
months, or even years later. Ive never wondered before what impression I left Jack with, but
thinking about it now, I know his memory of me would be very different had I been courageous
and honest. I had the chance to plant a seed in his heart of true love and service of him and I
didnt take that chance. Dont make the same mistake because of cowardice or pride. If youre a
man, step out and lead. If youre a woman, be courageous and womanly, arousing the better part
of him. Either way, you are exemplifying love as Christ loved. This is my commandment, that
you love one another as I have loved you. (Jn. 15:12)
A New Heart

12

Eldredge, John. Wild At Heart, 2001. Thomas Nelson Publishers, Nashville, TN, Pg 93.

Jeremiah writes, The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately corrupt; who
can understand it? (Jer. 17:9) He later writes, But this is the covenant which I will make with the
house of Israel after those days, says the Lord: I will put my law within them, and I will write it
upon their hearts; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. (Jer. 31:33 emphasis
added.)
Yes, our hearts are deceitful and difficult to govern and understand, but when we seek
true love, true Christ-like love, when we seek to have Gods precepts written upon our hearts, He
gives us a new heart. And the Lord your God will circumcise your heart and the heart of your
offspring, so that you will love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, that
you may live. (Dt. 30:6) When he turned his back to leave Samuel, God gave him another
heart. (1 Sam. 10:9) I will give them a heart to know that I am the Lord; and they shall be my
people and I will be their God, for they shall return to me with their whole heart. (Jer. 24:7) I will
give them one heart and one way. (Jer. 32:39)
This doesnt mean that God is going to take away all tendencies towards emotional
fantasies and infatuation in your heart. That would be taking away your free will. You will still
struggle in this area. What will have changed is your attitude towards lust. As a teenager, I loved
fantasizing about getting married; I revelled for years in the dreams of married life. The allure of
lust is still there. When the fantasies come around, there is something in my heart that wants to
take hold of them and own them again. Sometimes I do, like in the example above of praying in
church and noticing a young man in another pew. But by Gods grace, most of the time I dont.
When you allow God to change your heart and your attitude, you will still be tempted to lust within
your heart. But you will be strengthened in the desire to resist and the knowledge that you can
resist.
One of the most difficult struggles for me personally is when I am tired and drained.
Whether its because I have had an emotionally trying day or not enough sleep the night before,
when I am tired, my will to resist is weakened. Ive come to realize that the most lustful times for
me are when Im exhausted. This is too hard, I find myself saying. I dont want to control my
thoughts and emotions anymore. Why is this so hard, God? I cant do thisIts too hard!
You will experience the same times, whether exhaustion is your trigger or something
else. God knows its hard for you, and as much as you want to be united with Him, He desires
union with you even more! In the process of giving you a new heart, God allows you to suffer, in
order to bring you to union with Him. And I will give them one heart, and put a new spirit within
them; I will take the stony heart out of their flesh and give them a heart of flesh. (Eze. 11:19)
Taking out the stony heart will be painful, it will be difficult. The temptation is to turn away and
say, Forget it! Its just too hard! In our struggles, it seems as if God has abandoned us. Your
warm, fuzzy feeling of new resolve, of closeness to your Saviour isnt there. The truth is that He
is there, watching you, cheering you on to virtue. He gives us our free will. If we were constantly
aware of Christs presence and feeling great and above temptation all the time, wed be back in
Eden! We have free will, we have temptation, and we live in an imperfect world. All of that
means that we have an awesome opportunity. We have the opportunity to be heroes.
C.S. Lewis wrote about this in The Screwtape Letters, a collection of letters from a
demon to his apprentice demon. As it is a devil talking, humans are referred to as creatures.
God will set human beings off with communications of His presence which, though faint, seem
great to them, with emotional sweetness, and easy conquest over temptation. But He never
allows this state of affairs to last long. Sooner or later, He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from
their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up
on its own legsto carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. It is during such
trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of
creature He wants it to be. Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which
please Him bestHe wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His Hand, and if
only the will to walk is there, He is pleased even with their stumbles.13
The Legion of Mary handbook states, There is usually a sweetness in beginnings. God
gives this aid freely then in order to encourage, just as a helping hand is given to children learning
13

Lewis, C.S. The Screwtape Letters, 1961. The MacMillan Company, New York, Pg 46-47, emphasis
added.

to walk. It is not for our good that we should always be carried, so after awhile the sweetness is
lessened. Then comes the critical time when our resolution is being tested. Guardian angels
must weep to see so many who gave hopes of high sanctity stop short in their course. Now, to
give up because our fervour is gone is to admit that we never had in view Gods pleasure, but our
own. Our pleasure in the work having gone, we labour no more. It apparently matters little to us
that Gods pleasure in the work is still the samegreater, perhaps, for the offering made from a
sick heart and tired brain is always the most precious.14
Yes, it is harder for us to be pure when we are tired, when God seems far away, but this
is our time to take up the shield of courage, the sword of holiness, and to practice heroic virtue.
Catherine Doherty wrote, Indeed this is the time of heroism. Ordinary virtue, practiced well, has
become heroic in the utter confusion of todays world.15
God will never leave you nor forsake you. He is holding you in your time of trial, watching
you as you practice true heroism, and rejoicing in you as you take your steps towards Him. A
broken and contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise. (Ps. 51:17) Let your prayer be that of
Saint Alphonsus Liguori, Lord, do with me what you will. O my God and my All, make me a
saint!
As you pray, God is making your heart over, bringing you closer to Him, drawing you
away from a lustful use of others, to a love of others. Having purified your souls by your
obedience to the truth for a sincere love of the brethren, love one another earnestly from the
heart. (1 Pet. 1:22)
As you take each day as it comes, living in emotional purity from moment to moment,
raise your eyes to hope for the future. Not a lustful fantasy, but a hope for holiness and
sainthood, whatever God calls you to. The eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know
what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the
saints. (Eph. 1:18)
Should Our Lord call you to marriage in the future, you will be confident in the fact that
you have not cheated your future spouse of your heart. You have saved yourself for that person,
and not stolen from happiness in Gods time. Do not deprive yourself of a happy day; let not
your share of desired good pass by you. (Sir. 14:14)
On that happy day, as you look down the aisle towards your handsome groom, your
beautiful bride, your hearts will completely rejoice and trust in each other. A good wife who can
find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will
have no lack of gain. (Proverbs 31: 10-11) As you say your vows before God, your hearts are
joined forever in mutual trust and gain. Keep and save your heart and the springs of life within it,
(Prov. 4:23) so that when you look into the eyes of your new spouse, you can honestly say, My
belovedmy onemy only.

14
15

Legion of Mary Handbook, Dublin, Ireland division. Emphasis added.

Doherty, Catherine. Where Love Is, God Is, 1953. Bruce Publishing Company, Milwaukee, WI.

RESOURCES
In writing this article, several books were helpful to me. Obviously I have only scratched
the surface of a complex issue. For further reading, I trust these books will be useful, as they
were to me.
The ABCs of Choosing a Good Husband by Stephen Wood. Available from Family Life
Center Publications. www.familylifecenter.net
The ABCs of Choosing a Good Wife by Stephen Wood. Available from Family Life
Center Publications. www.familylifecenter.net
The two books listed above are the best resources for discerning how to choose a life
partner. Filled with practical advice and highly recommended by Christians of all ages and walks
of life.

I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris. Available at most Christian bookstores and
from Multnomah Publishers Inc. P.O. Box 1720, Sisters, OR, 97759.
The above book is an excellent resource for Christians who are not ready to get married
yet, but dont know how to deal with the romance area of life, and/or for people desiring to learn
about an alternative to dating for the sake of dating.
Boy Meets Girl by Joshua Harris. Available at most Christian bookstores and from
Multnomah Publishers Inc. P.O. Box 1720, Sisters, OR, 97759.
This book is the sequel to I Kissed Dating Goodbye, and is one of the best books on
courtship available. Recommended to every couple discerning marriage.
Wild At Heart by John Eldredge. Available from Thomas Nelson Publishers.
www.thomasnelson.com Wild At Heart is a book written for men attempting to rediscover true
Christian masculinity. Catholics wont agree with everything in the book, but those who have
questions about gender roles in modern society, and leadership and submissiveness, should read
it.