Love

doesnt have
to hurt teens
The American Psychological Association developed this document with consultation from the Partners in Program
Planning in Adolescent Health (PIPPAH), whose members include: American Bar Associations Center on Children and
the Law, and Commission on Domestic Violence, American Dietetic Association, American Medical Association, and
National Association of Social Workers.

PIPPAH is supported by the Office of Adolescent Health of the Maternal and Child Health Bureau, Health Resources
and Services Administration, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. The views expressed herein have not
been approved by the governing or policy setting bodies of any of the PIPPAH organizations, and accordingly, should
not be construed as representing the policy of any of these organizations.
The printing and distribution of this publication is supported in part by Cooperative Agreement No. 5 MCU11A302-02 from the Maternal and Child Health Bureau.

Sound familiar?
Kevin is walking in the school hallway with his
friends and sees his girlfriend at her locker with
her friends. When he goes up to her, she gives
him a cold look and says loudly, I dont know why
I even bother with you, loser! I guess I just keep
you around because I feel sorry for you. Kevin
feels frustrated because he doesnt know what he
did and embarrassed because his friends saw his
girlfriend putting him down.

Jennie and Tyrone lunch in the cafeteria with her

friends. They start teasing each other, but then
the playing turns to insults. Tyrone sees that Jennie is upset but doesnt stop. When Jennie gets up
and says, Get away from me, I hate you, Tyrone
says, Shut up and slaps her across the face.
That slap is violence, and it is a big deal.

Christine and Allison are in an intense argument.

Christine gets madder and madder, until she finally grabs Allison, shakes her, and shoves her against
the wall. Later, Christine apologizes, saying, Im
not proud I lost my temper, but you really pushed
my buttons. You should know better than to get
up in my face like that, because you know I get
too angry to control myself.
That kind of behaviorthe shoving and then
blaming someone else for the behavioris
violence, and it is a big deal.

That kind of humiliation hurts, and it is a

big deal.

Tony and Emily have been dating for a few

weeks, and he is beginning to act like he owns
her. He complains when she spends time with her
best friendor anyone except him. He expects
her to meet him in the halls between classes, eat
lunch with him, let him go home with her after
school, and be with him every weekend. Afraid
shell lose him, Emily begins to cut herself off
from her friends.
That kind of possessiveness isnt loveit is
abuse, and it is a big deal.

love doesnt have to hurt teens

Alfredo and Maria, who have been going out

for a few weeks, are making out. Maria has been
clear that she doesnt want to go any further than
kissing, but Alfredo becomes aggressive, disregarding her request to slow down and back off. He
forces her to have sex, later telling her she was a
tease and asking for it.
That kind of sex is rape, and it is a big deal.

Love shouldnt hurt

like this!

Its wonderful to be in love. Its exciting, ro-

mantic, and fun, and you feel like nothing can go

wrong. Sure, like the love songs say, love hurts
sometimes. You worry, you wonder if the person
you love really loves you, or if he or she is cheating on you. But knowing that love hurts doesnt
mean you should expect to get hurtto be put
down, slapped, embarrassed in front of your
friends, pushed, yelled at, forced to have sex if
you dont want it, controlled by, or afraid of the
person youre going out with.
Getting hurt like that isnt love. Its dangerous.
Its violence. It can happen to anybody, even if
youre smart or popular or strong or sophisticated. And it doesnt matter who youre seeing. It
happens to girls and to boys. It happens in samesex relationships.
At first, if it happens to you or to a friend, you might
not get whats going on. Youre thinking, I can
handle this. I can make it stop; or Theres no black
eye. Im not getting pushed down a stairway. I
shouldnt take put-downs so seriously. Maybe youre
thinking, He only gets jealous because he loves me.
She only slapped me to show attitude. She wont
love me if I dont do everything she wants when she
wants it. To show my love, I should want to spend
every spare moment with him.

love doesnt have to hurt teens

Or maybe you do get it. You know things arent

right, but you feel alone. Youre ashamed to tell
your friends. Youre afraid the explosions and
jealousy will get worse if you tell anyone. Youre
afraid to tell your parents because they might
make you break up. Maybe youre also afraid of
losing your boyfriend or girlfriend. Maybe you
think its worth it to put up with anything just to
have someone special in your life.

Every relationship has problems and upsets. Thats just part of life. But if you see
patterns of uncontrolled anger, jealousy,
or possessiveness, or if there is shoving,
slapping, forced sex, or other physical violenceeven onceits time to find help.
Think about this: Imagine that your best friend
is dating someone who thinks and acts that way.
Would it seem okay? Would you want them to
stop hurting each other? Would you treat your
best friend this way?
You have the right to be treated with respect and
to not be harmed physically or emotionally by
another person. Violence and abuse are not acceptable in any relationship. Love shouldnt hurt
like this.

Whats the first step in turning

the situation around?
Take it seriously.
Listen to yourself.
If you feel that someone is abusing you, trust those feelings.
Take it seriously.

Whats the second step?

Take care of yourself.
Youre too valuable to settle for love that hurts.
Dont stay silentfind support and help.

love doesnt have to hurt teens

Believe itits happening

Nearly one in 10 high school students will experience physical
violence from someone theyre dating. Even more teens will experience verbal or emotional abuse during the relationship.

Between 10 and 25% of girls between

the ages of 15 and 24 will be the victims
of rape or attempted rape. In more than
half of those cases, the attacker is someone the girl goes out with.

Girls are not the only ones who are

abused physically or emotionally in relationships. Boys also experience abuse,
especially psychological abuse. Boys
rarely are hurt physically in relationships, but when it happens, its often
severe. Boys also can be pressured or
forced into unwanted sex, by girls or by
other boys.

Violence happens in same-sex relationships, too. When it does, gay and lesbian teenagers often dont know where to
turn for help. If they are not comfortable
telling people theyre gay, that makes
their situation even harder. In some
cases their partner may threaten to
out them even though he/she knows it
could be dangerous!

Often a relationship doesnt start out

violent, but the violence starts after the
two people have known each other for
a while. The one big exception is forced
sex (sometimes called date rape or acquaintance rape). Forced sex can sometimes happen the first or second time
two people go out, especially when one
person has very little dating experience
and is afraid to say no.

If you think something is wrong, it probably is. You may feel anxious, have trouble sleeping or experience a change in appetite
or weight. Your body may be telling you that something is not
rightpay attention to these signs.

love doesnt have to hurt teens

If Theres No Respect, It Isnt Love

Type of violence

What it means

How it works

Early warning signs

Verbal Abuse

Behavior that causes harm with words

Name calling, Insults, Public humiliation, Yelling

Psychological and
Emotional Abuse

Behavior intending to cause psychological or

emotional distress

Threats; Intimidation; Put downs; Telling a per- Pouting when you spend time with your
sons secrets; Jealousy; Possessiveness; Isolat- friends, Threatening to leave you in an unsafe
ing a person from friends, family; Destroying
location, Trying to control what you do
gifts, clothing, letters; Damaging a car, home,
or other prized possessions

Physical Abuse

Behaviors that inflict harm on a person

Slapping, Hitting, Shoving, Grabbing, Hair pull- Going into a rage when disappointed or frusing, Biting, Throwing objects at a person
trated; Teasing, tripping, or pushing; Threatening to injure

Teasing that includes insults

Sexual Violence: From Sexual advances that make a person feel un- Insisting, physically or verbally, that a person
Coercion to Date Rape comfortable; sexual behavior that is unwanted who said no have sex anyway; Forced sex

Using emotional blackmail to talk you into

having sex (If you loved me, you would)

Abuse of Male Privilege: Its a Guy

Thing

Expecting you to be available to him at all

times or he is available to you when he feels
like it; Acting macho with friends: This is
my woman!

Behavior that assumes that boys have more

power than girls and that boys have special
privileges in relationships with girls

love doesnt have to hurt teens

The guy makes all decisions for the couple,

The guy expects his girlfriend to wait on and
pamper him, The guy treats his girlfriend as if
she is property he owns

Why does it happen?

Violence is so common that sometimes it seems like the normal thing. But
its not. Its something we learnand something we can change.
To understand why relationship violence happens, start by thinking about
some of the situations you deal with every day.

love doesnt have to hurt teens

Learning the rules of love

When you first begin to date someone seriously, you have new
and unfamiliar experiences. You start to discover societys rules
for dating and relationship behavior. In addition, you are trying
to figure out how to impress someone who is really special to
you and how to be yourself in a relationship. You see all kinds
of images of what relationships are supposed to be likebut
how do you know which ones are the right ones to follow? Its
hard to ignore other peoples examples of relationshipsfor
example, if your parents dont show respect for each other it
would be hard for you to know how to respect your boyfriend/
girlfriend. But you can decide for yourself what sort of relationships you want to have with your friends and your boyfriends
or girlfriends. You can learn to have a healthy relationship and
be loved and treated well by someone you care about. Violence
is not the way to do it. Respect is.

love doesnt have to hurt teens

Stereotypes that hurt

In every culture, people have certain ideas about what it means to
be a man or a woman. These ideas are called stereotypes. When
you first start dating someone seriously, stereotypes can get you
really confused about how you or the person youre going with
ought to behave.
Boys often have the idea that its a guy
thing to act tough and treat girls like
property, like they own them. Guys often
try to get their friends approval by acting like they dont care about anything
or anyone. Even a guy who likes a particular girl might show off for his friends
by treating her badly or acting like shes
been put on earth just to have sex with
him.

Girls often accept the idea that its a

guy thing to push girls around, and
so they should learn to go along with it.
Girls also may believe its a girl thing
to try to figure out and do whatever will
keep their boyfriends happy. So, they
may feel that they have to do only what
the guy wants, or they may put up with
the guy ignoring them, treating them
badly around others, being really possessive, or being violent or abusive.

Both girls and boys often have the idea that boys
cant control themselves when it comes to sex. They
may believe that if a man forces a woman to have sex
against her will, she was probably leading him on in
some way.

Remember: Theres no guy thing or girl thing when

it comes to violence and abuse in relationships. Theres
just the right thing and the wrong thing.

love doesnt have to hurt teens

Violence and abuse are always the wrong thing.

The violence around us

Violence is all around uson television, in movies, in music
videos, in video games, and even in our schools, neighborhoods, and homes. People get into fights on the street, on
buses, and in malls and use every kind of threat just to get
their way. Drivers shout at and even shoot at each other. Television and movies show buildings and people being blown to
bits. Bench-emptying brawls break out regularly on hockey,
baseball, and football fields. Schools around the country use
metal detectors and security guards to protect students from
outsiders and from each other. And even at home, parents
resort to violence to express their feelings to each otherand
sometimes to their children.

love doesnt have to hurt teens

Personal pressures
Some social and personal situations are
hard for anyone to handle, but they are
especially hard when they affect teenagers.
These personal pressures can contribute to
abusive or violent behavior in relationships
and to accepting that kind of behavior
from a boyfriend or girlfriend.

Violence at home. When children see a parent

being abused, they often grow up thinking that
name-calling, screaming, or hitting is normal between people in love. Children in violent homes
often get the idea that it is acceptable to threaten, intimidate, bully, or hit another person to get
their own way.

Cultural beliefs. Teenagers cultural and ethnic

backgrounds affect their relationships. Some
teenagers come from cultures in which people
dont date someone unless theyre going to marry that person, so they may not let their families
know they are in a relationship. In some cultures,
loyalty is such an important value that a teen in
an abusive relationship may decide not to ask for
help. Also, teenage girls who believe they cant
do much with their lives because of their familys
or cultures rules, or because of discrimination or
poverty, may place their hopes for the future on
finding someone to love and take care of them.
Abuse may seem like a small price to pay to escape a life without hope.

Being lesbian, gay, or bisexual. Teenagers who

are lesbian, gay, or bisexual face special pressures.
When under a lot of stress from the outside world,
some gay or lesbian teens may respond by getting
angry at the person theyre going out with. Even if
victims decide they want help to stop the violence,
they may not be able to get their friends, their
teachers, or other adults to listen and understand
Having a disability. People who have disabilities
what theyre going through. If they havent told
anyone else about their sexual orientation, finding often face a higher risk of violence of all kinds,
especially if they are less able to defend themhelp also means taking the risk of coming out.
selves or to report abuse. Any behavior that intentionally harasses, teases, or takes advantage of a
person with a disability is abusive. That includes
such acts as keeping something out of reach of
a person who uses a wheelchair, making it hard
for someone who uses hearing aids to hear you,
or deliberately trying to confuse someone with a
learning disability.

love doesnt have to hurt teens

Getting pregnant. Pregnancy is a vulnerable time

that often leaves a teenage mother-to-be feeling
alone, dependent, helpless, and condemned by
parents, teachers, and friends. If her boyfriend is
abusing her, she may not tell anyone because she
fears losing him, doesnt want to face more disapproval from her family, or fears her baby will be
taken away from her.

Getting sexually involved with an adult. Young

teenagers sometimes find themselves involved in
sexual relationships with persons much older than
they are. Although you may have romantic feelings for someone 5 or 10 years older, even if both
of you consent to having sex, you should know
that the older partner is committing a crime
called statutory rape. Also, some adults beat or
otherwise seek control over teens that theyre involved with. A sexual relationship where an adult
dominates and controls a young teen should never
be confused with love.

love doesnt have to hurt teens

Drinking alcohol or taking drugs. Drinking alcohol or taking drugs does not cause violence,
but it can have unpredictable effects: It can lower
inhibitions or change perceptions of what is really going on. Even one drink is enough for some
teens to say or do things they regret. Alcohol and
drugs also cause people to misread situationsto
see a come-on when there isnt one or to see only
friendliness in a situation that could lead to rape
or other violence. Drugs and alcohol often are
used as excuses for abuse: I didnt mean to hurt
you. I was out of control. Being drunk or high is
never an excuse for hurting someone.

Ready for a change

When youre ready to change the situation

Hurting someone is never a sign of love. When a relationship is violent,

the people involved need to either make the relationship work without violence or get out of it. You dont have to settle for an abusive relationship,
and you dont have to continue to behave in abusive ways. Both of you
deserve better.
People often need help to get out of abusive relationships. There are lots of
reasons why breaking free can be hard. From a very early age, we get the idea
that having a romantic relationship is the most important thing in the world
and is worth any sacrifice.
Dating someone can be a status symbol, a way to feel more secure, or a way
to break into a new circle of friends.
Some people just dont like to be alone. They may feel that any relationship
is better than no relationship.
Many teenagers dont want to ask their parents for help. A girl whose boyfriend has slapped her might be afraid her parents wont let her go out with
him or with anyone if they find out. A boys parents might not approve of his
girlfriends influence and take away his car keys. The parents of a lesbian, gay,
or bisexual teen might see one violent relationship as proof that all same-sex
relationships are unhealthy.

love doesnt have to hurt teens

Dont think the violence and abuse will just stop

Violent behavior wont disappear on its own. One or both of you may have
wrong ideas about relationships, expressing anger, what to expect from each
other, what you deserve from someone you love. Usually, both of you need
support and help to make a change. Being hurt by someone that you care
about can make you feel weak, worthless, helpless, and alone. Turning to
drugs or alcohol is not a good way to handle the situationit will not make
the abuse disappear or feel more bearable.
Start by talking to someone. A counselor, a coach, a teacher, a parent, a doctor, a minister or rabbi, or a close friend can help you get an objective opinion of the situation. They may also have some good ideas to help you stop
the hurting and start talking to each other about what you really want and
need in a relationship.
Then take some action!

If you are the one getting hurt

If a person who claims to love you also
threatens, intimidates, or injures you, that
person has some wrong ideas about love
and isnt worth your time. If you cant love
someone without also feeling afraid of him
or her, youre better off getting out of that
relationship.
Assault is a crime.
If you are afraid that
someone youre going
out with may hurt you
badly or if he or she
already has, dont hesitate to call the police.
In many states, teens
who have been threatened or harmed can get
the same restraining
orders and other protections as adults.

The most important

thing you can do is
take care of yourself.
As serious as the situation may seem, there
are always alternatives
to having a relationship with someone who
hurts you. Demand to
be treated with respect.
Youre worth it!

Make sure youre safe.

Even if you havent
decided yet whether to
leave the relationship,
you can decide to be
safe. Take some time to
think about ways you
can take yourself out of
a dangerous situation
the next time it occurs.
For example, you can
screen your phone calls,
see your boyfriend
or girlfriend only in a
public place with other
people around, or find
a friend to stay with if
you need to. Thinking
through a plan of action can help you feel
more in control of a
situation so you can
take the next step.

love doesnt have to hurt teens

Get support.
One of the most common forms of relationship violence is
isolationkeeping you
from spending time
with your friends. If
someone youre going
out with controls your
free time, you start to
feel like you have nowhere else to turn. You
arent as likely to hear
the support of friends
who want you to leave
the relationship. This
is the time you need
that support most. Talk
to a friend, a teacher, a
counselor, anyone who
will support you as you
stand up for yourself.
Knowing that you dont
have to rely on yourself
can give you the courage you need to break
free. If the first person
you talk to doesnt give
you the support you
need, try someone else.
Dont give up!

Demand respect.
Point out the ways
youve been hurt physically, sexually, and emotionally to the person
youre going out with.
Say that its a big deal
to you and that you
want it to stop. Now.
This can be a hard step
for many reasons. The
person may deny the
abuse, get furious and
threaten to hurt you,
your family, or himself
or herself if you try
to leave the relationship or tell anyone else
about the problem. Or
the person may get really sweet and remorseful, crying and promising never to hurt you
again, only to return to
the same old patterns
later. Encourage the
person youre dating to
find help dealing with
anger. Face fact though:
Most people wont
make that change, even
if they really love you.

You cant change them.

And as much as you
might want to help the
person you care about
get over their abusive
behavior, you have to
think of yourself first.

Find help.
Just because this is your
relationship doesnt
mean you should try
to solve the problem
on your own. A boyfriend or girlfriend who
is hurting you already
doesnt respect you in
the way you deserve.
Talk to an adulta
teacher, counselor,
coach, or friendwho
will stick with you. Asking for help isnt a sign
of weakness. Its about
getting the support you
deserve and making
sure your boyfriend or
girlfriend gets the message: Abuse is serious,
and you deserve better.

If you are the one doing the hurting

For your own sake and for the sake of the person you love, get
help! The problem of hurting people when youre angry or frustrated or jealous is not going away on its own. Even if you honestly think youre sometimes justified in your actions, you need to
talk over this behavior with someone who can give you some new
ideas about how to handle your feelings.

love doesnt have to hurt teens

Drinking alcohol or
using drugs does
not make you hurt
someone. It can have
unpredictable effects,
though, and can change
the way you view situations. You can never
use drugs and alcohol as an excuse for
abusive behavior. You
should make it a reason
to get help for
substance abuse.

Nobody is ever justified in hurting someone else to get their

way. Youre not going
to get what youre
looking forlove, respect, kindness, affection, a happy time with
someone who loves and
trusts you unless you
learn how to deal with
your frustrations in a
way that is not hurtful
to others.

Youre not a bad personjust someone

who needs help to
stop a bad behavior.
You can learn new
ways to deal with your
anger, to fight fair, to
communicate, and to
give and get love in
relationships. Dont
let shame or fear stop
youtalk to a parent,
teacher, religious leader, doctor, nurse, psychologist, or guidance
counselor today.

How can I help my friend?

Seeing a friend in a violent relationship is painful. You might
want to help but not know what to say or do. You might be
afraid of getting involved in someone elses problem. Or maybe you havent seen the violence or abuse, and the person your
friend is dating seems so nice that you wonder how much of the
story to believe.
If youre worried, say something. If youre concerned about your friends safety, mention it. People who are being hurt in a relationship often feel
they cant talk to anyone. They may be ashamed.
They may think the abuse is their fault. They may
think they deserve it. Let your friend know that
youre there, youre willing to listen, and youre
not going to judge. If your friend isnt ready to
admit there is a problem, dont give up. By being
supportive and letting your friend know someone
is willing to listen, youre making it easier to start
dealing with the problem.

Listen, support, believe. If a friend asks for your

help, take it seriously. Believe what your friend
tells you, not the gossip you might hear in the
hallway. Your friend is trusting you with very personal and painful informationbe a true friend
and dont spread gossip. Give support by making
it clear your friend doesnt deserve to be abused in
any way. Recognize that, as abusive as the person
your friend is dating might be, your friend might
find it difficult to leave the relationship, particularly if your friend believes it will make the violence worse.

love doesnt have to hurt teens

Call in reinforcements. Your friend might tell you

about a violent relationship only if you promise
to keep it a secret. Violence and abuse are not
problems to be kept secret. Whether your friend
is ready to get help or not, find an adult you can
talk to. Take your friend along if you can. You
can tell the adult that you dont want to break a
promise to keep a secret, but dont carry this burden all by yourself.

Resources
Stopping violence in teen relationships is everyones responsibility. Boyfriends, girlfriends, friends, parents, adultsall have a responsibility to speak out against behavior
that is harmful and to prevent it from occurring.
Here are some people and organizations that can help. You can usually find phone numbers in your local phone book or ask a counselor at school to help you get connected.

People and organizations

Telephone numbers

Websites

State domestic violence coalitions

National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 18007873224

Project PAVE (Promoting Alternatives to Violence Through Education)

http://projectpave.org/just-teens

Local rape crisis centers

Gay and lesbian resources/centers for teens
4H programs in rural areas
Students Against Destructive Decisions
(SADD)
Teachers, school counselors, school nurses

National Organization for Victim Assistance,

1-800-TRY- NOVA
National Resource Center on Domestic
Violence, 1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-7873224

Doctors and other health professionals

RAINN: Rape, Abuse, and Incest National

Network, 1-800-656-HOPE

Psychologists and other mental health

professionals

The National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline,

1-866-331-9474 (available 24/7)

Shelters for battered women

Domestic Violence Hotline, 1800799SAFE

(7233) or TTY 18007873224
GLBT National Youth Talkline, 1800246
PRIDE

love doesnt have to hurt teens

Boss of me: Making a transformation through

empowered relationships
http://www.bom411.com/
Love is respect
www.loveisrespect.org
Love is not abuse
www.loveisnotabuse.com
Teenpcar: It stops with us!
http://www.teenpcar.com/
Know more: Stop abuse. Get help now. Learn how.
http://www.knowmoresaymore.org/