2014-11-14 HeadOverHeels PDF

Head
Over
Heels
Reversed By Jeff Whitty
Music by the Go-Go's
Inspired by Sir Philip Sidney's "The Arcadia"
Characters
BASILIUS -- The Duke of Arcadia, 40s-50s
GYNECIA -- His Wife, 40s
PAMELA -- Their Ravishingly Beautiful Oldest Daughter, 18
By Jeff Whitty
Music by the Go-Go's
Inspired by Sir Philip Sidney's "Old Arcadia"
PHILOCLEA -- The Other Daughter, 17
MUSIDORUS -- An Earnest Young Shepherd
PHILANAX -- The Dukes Fool
MOPSA -- Maidservant to the Dukes Daughters
DAMETAS -- The Head Manservant
THE ORACLE -- A Female Supernatural Seer
ASSORTED MUSICIANS, SUITORS, SERVANTS, RELIGIOUS
SISTERS, UNDERTAKERS, STAGE MANAGERS as well as A
LION and A BEAR.
SONG LIST
Act One
1. Beautiful / Throw Me a Curve
2. Good Girl
3. Get Up and Go
4. Mad About You
5. Automatic Rainy Day
6. Vision of Nowness
7. This Old Feeling
8. My Traveling Heart
9. Vacation
10. How Much More
11. Mad About You (Reprise)
12. Our Lips Are Sealed
Act Two
1. Head over Heels
2. I Get Weak
3. Insincere
4. "Unforgiven" / Lust to Love
5. Here You Are
6. Apology
7. We Got the Beat
And One Surprise.
Head Over Heels

First, a preface:
When the audience walks into the Allen
Elizabethan Theater, they are entering a party.
They are greeted by any available member of the
company, whether actor or staff or creatives.
Every audience member is helped -- given a
program, shown to their seats or to the bar or
restrooms, etc.
An eccentric and gifted band is jamming in the
lobby.
None of the acting company is yet in
character. They are themselves, as real as
possible. Theyre actors in a musical called
Head Over Heels. They offer a friendly
forthright honesty always. If they encounter
friends from the world outside, they say hi to
their friends.
Its a party.
The audience gets a drink, perhaps. Listens to
the band. Wanders to the house.
There they will discover the set.
The company continues to mingle with the
audience. The interaction is not aggressive. No
one is singled out for the attention of others.
The atmosphere is chill. No audience
participation as we know and dread it.
A few minutes before showtime, the actor who
plays Philanax walks onstage in a casual
manner. He is dressed as a court jester.
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That his clothes may be careworn does not

negate the truth of his immaculate style.
The actor perches on the edge of the stage and
chats with nearby audience members. A few
minutes pass. He rises, stands center and waits
for their full attention.
The cast casually assembles behind Philanax as
he speaks:
PHILANAX
So it appears we are assembled? We are pulled together? I
should say so. Hello and good evening, dear Audience. Welcome
to Head Over Heels.
Right now is our twilit moment. We have departed the
Universe of Parking and Getting Programs and Enjoying the
Marvelous Ceiling Above Us. (This is the workshop: you see a
ceiling and must imagine the sky.) Weve left Reality and have
not yet engaged in our Fiction. We are neither Here nor There.
We could go Anywhere in this moment.
We might now perform a cycle of plays about Lyndon B.
Johnson!
But the glorious presence of our orchestra offers a reverse: a
splashy MUSICAL.
In this breath of a moment, I must alert you to the Single
Rule of Our Entertainment: the actors are forbidden to deviate
from the script as written. We cannot adjust a word.. For I
always follow the rules. I will not deviate from the script.
I am the maddeningly handsome John Tufts. I play
Philanax, the Clown. I am a fearless improviser -- but alas, you
shall not witness those talents tonight for they are forbidden,
as I told you.
John Tufts shall then engage with a member of
the audience, or the whole audience, however he
wishes. Oh, what a lovely jacket, lady in the
third row, what is your name? or whatever.
Dont fuck it up.
RULE: Improvisation is most certainly allowed,
for now only the Author will collect the
accolades.
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When the improvised moment is over, Mr. Tufts

will then pull a couple of pages of parchment
from his back pocket and regard it, and quote
aloud the last few words of the exchange as
though it were written upon the page.
PHILANAX
... Yes, yes, exactly. See? This IS the script and its all here on
Page Two. I fear I cannot look ahead for this is all thats written
so far. -- Not true, actually!
(reading from the page)
These people behind me, all of us gathered here -- we are your
consorts, your ladies of the evening and fellas too.
(he disengages from the script and gestures
with a flourish)
Gentlefolk of the Audience, We are your COMPANY!
The company cheers the audience. One actress
of the ensemble goes a little overboard into
cheerleader mode. Philanax smiles at her and
she meekly steps back into line.
PHILANAX (cont'd)
Head Over Heels is based on a book by Sir Philip Sidney, who
was born in 1554. It features the music of a rock band formed
in 1978: The Go Gos. Its like that, yes. They do not go
together, and they will go together nonetheless. Sir Philip
dedicated this story to his sister, the Countess of Pembroke.
He told her that it is but a trifle, and that triflingly handled.
Sir Philip, we shall treat the gift of your source material exactly
as you intended.
Lights shift. Lilting music begins.
PHILANAX (cont'd)
The land of Arcadia is held in singular reputation: for the
sweetness of its air, the well-tempered minds of its people, and
an Efficiency that defies any unpleasant surprises -- or Surprise
of any sort.
The actors playing Basilius and Gynecia step
forward.
Philanax takes out a deck of cards. For each
actor he introduces, he gives them a card, which
they take and pocket.
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PHILANAX (cont'd)
Ruling over Arcadia is the King, Basilius, who is played by
Patrick Cummings. His Queen and wife is Gynecia -- hello,
Miriam, youre known around these parts! Say hi! The King and
Queen have two daughters.
Two young female actors step forward.
PHILANAX (contd)
The Kings elder daughter is Pamela, and her beauty is
renowned across at least several dozen continents.
A moment. Pamela bursts forth.
Thats me, yes!
PAMELA
PHILANAX
She is portrayed by the divine Amy Jo Jackson. Good morning
Pamela!
Philanax gets the audience to applaud for her.
Pamela drinks it in, smiling and waving. When
it ends:
PHILANAX (contd)
And there was another daughter too.
Philanax continues without introducing the
other actors name. A bit down in the mouth,
she self-consciously takes a card and melts back
into the company.
PHILANAX (contd)
And what happens to this family is the spine of our story,
though I should also point out Mopsa, played by Britney
Simpson, and her father Dametas, whos played by -- you all
know Kevin! Keep an eye on these avatars as you watch our
entertainment. Notice that I didnt say comedy. Because
comedy promises a happy ending.
A moment as Philanax gazes with malice -- or
perhaps mischief -- to the back of the house.
PHILANAX (contd)
And so our twilit moment ends.
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An explosion of drums as the play begins.
SCENE ONE -- THE ORACLE
Two torches come alight, carried by Basilius and

his servant Dametas. The rest of the company
vanishes.
BASILIUS
Dametas, our fortnight of travel doth end in this damp and
suffocating cave. Yet no Oracle doth appear.
DAMETAS
With thy favor I suggest we press forward, My King, and heed
the direction of yon liver-spotted crone -- ? She who malingered
at the caves entrance -- ? She bade us follow the odor of
sulphur. Where the stench is rankest, said she, There shalt
the Oracle be discovered.
They step further into the cave, and face an
olfactory assault.
BASILIUS
The air doth reek as twere expelled by all of Satans flatulent
minions in a loud and angry chorus!
A blind woman appears, bathed in a blue mist.
She appears to float.
DAMETAS
And so the directions were true! Behold, My King!
Ah!
BASILIUS
(collecting himself, smilingly approaching her)

Greetings unto you, good Spectre! I do travel here in search of
the renowned Oracle.
ORACLE
And here thy journey ends.
BASILIUS
If thou wouldst suffer an introduction -- my name is --
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I know.
ORACLE
BASILIUS
Our journey began in the land of -I know.
ORACLE
A moment.
N --
BASILIUS
ORACLE
I know. King Basilius of Arcadia, you seek naught but comfort
here: honeyed assurances that your life, so blessed ere now,
should forever thus remain.
BASILIUS
Such a small kindness would repay the hardship of our
journey, yes -ORACLE
Impatient man. Know you not that nothing is so certain as
continual uncertainty?
BASILIUS
Not when a soothsayer of thy repute doth allay such concerns.
ORACLE
(laughs)
A deft attempt, BUT -- a soothsayer am I, but not all I say may
soothe you. Now you give me my gold.
BASILIUS
Of course. Dametas?
DAMETAS
A hundred gold coins for thee. You may count them if you -She takes the gold and pockets it, not
examining, her gaze fixed on Basilius.
DAMETAS (contd)
Right, yes, nevermind.
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ORACLE
Now then. Let us open a book on the past before we examine
That Which Shall Come. You have brought unyielding Order to
Arcadia in thy rule of eighteen years.
Indeed!
BASILIUS
ORACLE
And as your power grows, it fattens Apprehension.
BASILIUS
Apprehension? Ha! I am known to laugh at fear!
ORACLE
Would you have me share the comedy, then? For it doth lie in
the reversals.
BASILIUS
(a bit crankily)
Nay! If thy news be grim, thou should spare the telling of it. I
shall return home and bother thee no longer.
ORACLE
WE HAVE NO TIME. I shall deliver my divine prophetic vision
after I do this.
(She gasps a pained breath as she starts to
channel. The earth rumbles. She rises
terrifyingly.)
Whatever fear you might have suffered ere now is nothing in
light of what I now divine.
BASILIUS
Then GET TO IT BY ALL MEANS -He closes his eyes, terrified.
HEARKEN!
ORACLE
(musicalized:)
Thy elder daughter breaks mens hearts for sport,
But not with Man shall she find consummation;
Thy younger daughter shall thine orders thwart
To love a liar well beneath her station.
Thou with thy wife adultry shalt commit,
(MORE)
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ORACLE (cont'd)
And in thy throne another man shall sit.
All this on thee this fatal year shall hit.
BASILIUS
Huh? Your news inspires such dread I forgot its contents -ORACLE
I shall repeat it only once, in a manner most clear. And it shall
be remembered.
She gestures toward Dametas.
DAMETAS
Ive an idea! I shall put QUILL to PAPER, my Lord -He takes out a quill and paper and writes busily.
BASILIUS
So: my elder child, Pamela -ORACLE
Shall fall in love with no man, and too her Innocence will be
plucked.
The Oracle points upwards. From the top of the
proscenium, a single flag unfurls.
BASILIUS
And what of Philoclea?
ORACLE
She will remain your obedient daughter; and she will love a
man you did forbid.
She points. Another flag unfurls beside the first.
BASILIUS
Dare I ask about my wife?
ORACLE
Your Love doth remains as fixed as when you met. AND -- the
King and Queen will commit adultery. Together.
She points. A third flag appears.
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BASILIUS
How does THAT work?
ORACLE
No spoilers will I reveal. And finally: you are the King. No King
shalt thou be ere long.
She points. A fourth flag unfurls.
Emerging from confusion, Basilius decides to
take charge.
BASILIUS
Nay, I will FIGHT you, Lady of Expensive Special Effects! I will
take Action against your guarantee!
ORACLE
Which is what, I ask, pretending it is not yet divined.
BASILIUS
The Action will birth soon -- its in the oven still -ORACLE
I have dealt my card, and you cannot reverse it -- not with any
tool you now possess.
Nonsense!
BASILIUS
ORACLE
Then let the game begin. Comedy lies in the Reversals; and
Tragedys nestled right up in there too.
BASILIUS
ENOUGH with the tiresome Reversals!
Music signifies that the Oracle is departing.
ORACLE
Know this, King and soon-not-King: behind Everything lies a
Boundless and Generous Faith in You. So I leave you with one
more reversal: a prophecy that cannot live Now but might serve
you in a future moment. Thus I Sing Open the Unfolding
Pageant!
(sings)
YOURE CLOSER THAN YOU KNOW.
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YOU NEVER FELT SO FAR.

WHEREVER YOU WILL GO -HERE YOU ARE.
HERE YOU ARE.
She disappears with a miraculous flourish.
BASILIUS
All style and no substance, that one!
DAMETAS
(shoves the Prophecy in his pocket, where it
dangles out a bit:)
What orders hast thou for me, my King?
BASILIUS
(pondering)
Upon the devising of it, you will be informed -- for you are My
Adviser Trusted Most.
DAMETAS
Could I blush demurely, I should. But what of the Queen? Will
you alert her of the horror to unfold?
BASILIUS
She was my Most Trusted Adviser, once. I am not sure when
she was demoted, or why, or by whom, but -(briefly lost in thought, he snaps back)
I dare not explore the chaos that lays within Woman. I have not
the tools; tis not a gift granted me. Oh what will I DO?
He turns away, thinking. Dametas looks after
her.
DAMETAS
I might have enjoyed a word with the Oracle -- even if I would
then put on a shroud of premature grief. I abhor uncertainty.
BASILIUS
I HAVE THE PLAN!
Which is --
DAMETAS
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BASILIUS
I must change EVERYTHING! The game is on! We will see who
wins!
They bolt offstage. The Oracle appears magically:
ORACLE
(to the audience)
Youve not seen the last of me, trust. I wont even START with
whats in store for YOU. Except for three words: Long. Night.
Ahead.
(Shouting, off:)
NEXT!
SCENE TWO -- THE KINGS CASTLE IN ARCADIA

Morning. Pamela is dressed by her lady-inwaiting, Mopsa.
Beside her is Philoclea, dressing herself.
PHILOCLEA
O sister, thou dost appear most vexed.
PAMELA
I did only now decide to screw my face in such a manner. I miss
our father, and all who gaze on me should know the depths of
my pain. Ist convincing?
PHILOCLEA
Most. Oh, Take comfort, for he shall return within the
fortnight. And thou shalt resume thy place as his most favored
daughter.
PAMELA
Thy words do comfort me, my most precious, my only sister.
Gynecia enters.
GYNECIA
Daughters, dress in haste. Forty-seven suitors linger, most
expectant, at the castle gates.
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PAMELA
Most maternal Mother, of these suitors, how many traveled
hence to win my hand?
Forty-seven.
GYNECIA
PAMELA
(sincerely gesturing to Philoclea)
And how many traveled hence to win -(she pauses a moment, counting on her
fingers)
-- ah, nevermind. Thank you, Mother.
Gynecia exits.
PAMELA (contd)
Despair not, sweet Philoclea. This surfeit of suitors I see as no
blessing.
PHILOCLEA
(pleading)
I desire no surfeit -PAMELA
I should give thee less than love were I to give thee hope. For
honestys the loving path. And the truth, dear sister, is that
thou art plain.
I --
PHILOCLEA
PAMELA
(hugging her tenderly, continuing)
Grievously plain. But despair not. The burden of your plainness
is not thine alone to bear. For it doth weigh heavily on our
entire family. Even distant relations suffer neath it.
PHILOCLEA
I have long accepted my absence of beauty -PAMELA
Hush now and henceforth describe it in a cheery aspect -- as an
absence of disfigurement perhaps.
Mopsa scoffs.
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PAMELA (contd)
Mopsa, what noise doth emerge from thy vicinity? Why scoffest
thou?
MOPSA
Madam: deny me freedom to unloose my tongue -- for it should
most certainly offend.
PAMELA
What ho, my curiosity doth sit up. I give thee leave to ventilate
the belfry of your mind.
A moment.
MOPSA
With your leave, I do suggest that your beauteous reputation
doth inflate your esteem of self, so you lose sight of gentleness.
PAMELA
Gentleness.
(to Philoclea)
Hear you this, sister? Why am I burdened with a Lady-inWaiting who doth love me not?
MOPSA
Were I to see you sad but once then I could love you fiercely.
PAMELA
(to Mopsa)
Tis only thy fierce love that could make me sad. So neither
thee nor I dare make the first attack -- like two hostile
kingdoms whose destruction is most mutually assured.
MOPSA
And so I still my tongu, the better to fetch your gown in silence.
*** MUSIC: BEAUTIFUL / THROW ME A CURVE
To Philoclea, over music-box music:
PAMELA
She perturbeth me, that Mopsa. She would suggest that I put
on a vulgar show of modesty -- I, who provide naught but
inspiration to others!
(She sings:)
MY LIFE
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IS EVER SO PERFECT.
MY LIFE
HAS BEEN A BED OF ROSES.
AND YOU MIGHT THINK IM CRAZY -SO WHAT IF I AM?
MY HEAD IS FULL OF GOOD THINGS,
ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE.
Servants surround Pamela, and in a single
measure she changes into an elaborate gown,
her hair up, cleavage bursting. She charges
forward, effusive.
PAMELA (contd)
BEAUTIFUL -IS ALL I SEE WHEN I LOOK AT ME!
BEAUTIFUL -EVRY MOTHERS DREAM!
DAY BY DAY
THINGS JUST KEEP GETTING PRETTIER.
SERVANTS MINUS MOPSA
SO PRETTY!
PAMELA
BEAUTIFUL!
WHAT -A WONDERFUL LIFE!
PHILOCLEA
Thy beauty doth compare to a Helen of Troy.
PAMELA
And thee, the very image of her cousin.
PHILOCLEA
(excited)
Really? What is known of her cousin?
A moment.
PAMELA
Precisely.
MY LIFE
IS REALLY QUITE SIMPLE:
MY LIFE IS JUST WHAT I MAKE IT.
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AND IF YOU THINK IM SEEING

ONLY THINGS I WANNA SEE,
THE TRUTH IS THAT IM BEING
WHO I WANNA BE -The servants have rolled in an entire breakfast
buffet behind Pamela. She turns to it, eating the
entire thing in a single measure. She dabs her
lips with a napkin as she sings:
PAMELA (contd)
BEAUTIFUL!
IS ALL I SEE WHEN I LOOK AT ME!
BEAUTIFUL!
Gynecia has entered.
PAMELA AND GYNECIA
EVRY MOTHERS DREAM!
PAMELA
DAY BY DAY,
GYNECIA AND SERVANTS [MINUS MOPSA]
SO PRETTY!
PAMELA
BEAUTIFUL!
WHAT A WONDERFUL,
A WONDERFUL,
A WONDERFUL LIFE!
GYNECIA
Pamela divine, I now present the suitors who made the
callbacks.
She claps her hands. A group of young men
enters, representing various nationalities, all
bearing gifts. They are stricken with awe.
SUITORS
CAN I LIVE IN YOUR WORLD?
WE CAN MAKE IT OUR WORLD!
WE CAN MAKE IT OUR
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SUITORS 1
WORLD!
WE CAN MAKE IT OUR WORLD
SUITORS 2
THROW ME A CURVE,
NOT A STRAIGHT NARROW LINE!
THROW ME A CURVE
AND ILL MAKE YOU MINE.
GET THE MESSAGE, ITS DIVINE!
THROW ME A CURVE
OH YOU LOOK SO FINE!
On fine Pamela joins in, singing over the

suitors. The choreography gets very Diamonds
Are a Girls Best Friend.
PAMELA
BEAUTIFUL!
IS ALL I SEE WHEN I LOOK AT ME!
BEAUTIFUL!
EVRY MOTHERS DREAM -DAY BY DAY
BEAUTIFUL!
WHAT A WONDERFUL -A WONDERFUL -A WONDERFUL -Pamela stops the music.
PAMELA (contd)
You suitors do not suit and now must go.
The deflated suitors exit as Philanax shouts
after them.
PHILANAX
Please pick up a complimentary gift-bag at the exit -- just one
per spurned suitor, now, dont be greedy -GYNECIA
Over a thousand suitors have you rejected!
PAMELA
I seek The One I Love.
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GYNECIA
When he returns, your father will choose a husband without
your favor! You still have time to make the choice YOURSELF.
PAMELA
But Mother, that is the Future. I am happy right now. Why
must I borrow pain from the future when I am happy in the
present?
PHILANAX
(Wha?)
Wait -- one can live in the PRESENT?
PAMELA
One cannot live in the future, for it would stop being itself!
(changing the subject)
Im hungry.
(big finish)
A WONDERFUL LIFE!
Riff riff riff -- and crashing final chord.
Pamela marches off with Gynecia, Mopsa, and
the rest. Philoclea is alone.
Pssst.
VOICE
PHILOCLEA
Who ist dost hiss from the shadows? Present yourself.
VOICE
Close thine eyes and extend thy hand.
PHILOCLEA
(doing so, smiling)
Thou shouldst plug up my ears also, for thy voice gives thee
away.
Musidorus, a young shepherd, enters. He places
her hand on his chest.
MUSIDORUS
What dost thou feel?
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We hear, faintly, the bass line of Mad About

You.
PHILOCLEA
I do feel thy heart, but faint! I shall investigate more carefully -She puts her head on his chest. The bass line
grows louder and accelerates slightly.
PHILOCLEA (contd)
Tis my proximity doth make it race!
MUSIDORUS
You are medicine, milady, to ignite the heart.
PHILOCLEA
Let us exchange positions. Eyes closed, hand extended -He does so. Philoclea starts to place his hand on
her wrist -- then places it on her neck.
Musidorus smiles, surprised and wooed.
The bass line plays again.
MUSIDORUS
And I too feel thy heart -- but soft and far away.
PHILOCLEA
Wouldst thou draw thine ear to my -- dcolletage? Thou feared
not do so in our childhood days.
MUSIDORUS
But in the intervening years, what were flatlands are now made
for climbing.
PHILOCLEA
A gentle hike, perhaps -MUSIDORUS
Yes. But with a boyish, sexless spirit I will plant mine ear -(he puts his ear high on her chest)
-- here.
The bass line plays again, as quickly as a heart
attack.
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MUSIDORUS (contd)
Like an hysteric thy heart doth beat at the bars.
PHILOCLEA
What would thee diagnose?
MUSIDORUS
(nervously)
Thou knowest well as I the cause. Yet to name it should dispel
our childhood frolics.
PHILOCLEA
(heaving, a bit)
Those divertissements I would outgrow in favor of adult
pursuits, whateer they be.
MUSIDORUS
Together such pursuits we might discover.
PHILOCLEA
My heart, which could not race faster, yet races faster still!
Musidorus replaces his ear on her chest.
Gynecia enters.
GYNECIA
Shepherd, peel your earlobe from my stainless daughter!
Explain thyself!
MUSIDORUS
(stammering)
Erm. Um. Hm.
GYNECIA
Thy stuttering improvisations do not persuade. Dost not thy
flock in adjacent meadow repose, easy prey for breakfasting
predators? I command thee, Shepherd: shepherd not my lamb
but tend to thine own livestock.
Um.
MUSIDORUS
A moment. He runs off.
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PHILOCLEA
You do abuse my childhood friend.
GYNECIA
His eyes are as a drunkards, inebriated with romance. His
flagon of love should never touch thy lips. Consider him not,
for he is of lowly station.
PHILOCLEA
So you would have me never know of love at all?
GYNECIA
(with empathy)
Sweet daughter. If I would allow you a Musidorus, the King
would then destroy him. I could not play the card if I possessed
it.
PHILOCLEA
(rediscovering)
Allow the game to continue. We cannot see what will transpire.
GYNECIA
I am not Enforcer, but Informer of the rules by which we play.
And forget not that I am included in the game and feel its
outcomes.
PHILOCLEA
Tis only innocence between us now.
GYNECIA
Let not the wonder in your eyes be dimmed by Loves pursuit -OR its capture. That wonder is your greatest treasure, Good
Girl. Claim it. Protect it. Lock it up. Tis so easy to lose, one
may never see its passing.
(reflecting briefly on herself, she changes the
subject)
Why dont we converse on topics of less heat?
A moment.
GYNECIA (contd)
A week ago I did provide a luncheon for the Sisters of the Order.
They would happily cloister you at their Shack of Nuns.
PHILOCLEA
I beg you, let us speak not of the Sisters today.
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GYNECIA
(looking offstage)
And lo, daughter, tis like my words did conjure thy future made
flesh!
A group of grimly cloaked women enters in a
stylized, Kabuki-like manner.
They are played by any available member of the
company. They hum in a rather creepy harmony.
Philoclea edges away slightly.
GYNECIA (contd)
(selling as hard as she can)
What marvelous times they must enjoy! Just -- look at them -PHILOCLEA
If I commit to the Sisters holy vows, I will never know of :ove.
GYNECIA
(desperate)
Loves hammer would assault thy gentleness. Twould forge thy
soul into a callus dead and gray: and this sad gray callus, thy
sole passenger into menopause.
PHILOCLEA
Surely in the looking-glass you see not reflected a sad gray
callus?
Gynecia collects herself. Primly:
GYNECIA
Nay, the looking-glass reports but that which lies upon the
surface, and if the surface satisfies no further needs one
pursue. In such a manner, affix a smile upon thy lips and
recover from thy temper; daughter, it discomfits all who love
you.
Philoclea remains stone-faced.
GYNECIA (cont'd)
One day thou shalt offer thanks to me.
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PHILOCLEA
I cannot imagine such reversal; on this day I suffer an abrupt
drought of gratitude.
GYNECIA
(easing up)
If empty of gratitude, then let us fill of yonder butterhorns and
nummy jams. I request thee join me at breakfast, daughter, for
tis the reason I did enter our scene.
PHILOCLEA
I have misplaced my appetite.
GYNECIA
Then join me when it emerges, my resilient child.
(she goes to exit, then turns)
Remember: a frown, reversed, doth make a smile.
She encourages Philoclea to smile. Which she
does, wanly.
Gynecia exits, leaving Philoclea. The smile falls.
The sisters loom behind.
*** MUSIC: GOOD GIRL
PHILOCLEA
IM GONNA BE A GOOD GIRL,
SO EVERYBODY LOVES ME.
I'M GONNA DO WHAT THEY SAY -LET THEM CHOOSE THE ROLE THAT I PLAY.
GOOD GIRL, GOOD GIRL,
GONNA BE A GOOD GIRL.
GOOD DOG, GOOD GIRL,
The Sisters are looming behind her.
PHILOCLEA (contd)
I'M GONNA SMILE 'TIL IT HURTS -The sisters join in, making Philoclea jump.
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SISTERS
AHH AHH AHH -PHILOCLEA
SO EVERYBODY LOVES ME.
I'LL BEND OVER BACKWARDS,
SWALLOW ALL MY ANGRY WORDS -GOOD GIRL, GOOD GIRL,
PHILOCLEA AND SISTERS
GOOD GIRL, GOOD GIRL,
GOTTA BE A GOOD GIRL.
PHILOCLEA
ALL I WANT IS FOR EVERYONE TO LOVE ME.
SISTERS
OOHH AH OOHH -PHILOCLEA
(over them, to the audience)
And on my grave will be an epitaph:
ALL I WANT IS FOR EVERYONE TO LOVE ME.
R.I.P.
I know not the spell to unbind myself. Oh to leave Arcadia so I
may look back as a spectator! But I here I am: Philoclea. No
princess she, but prisoner.
ILL GET DOWN ON MY KNEES,
ILL SAY PRETTY PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE -The sisters loom over Philoclea, who drops to
her knees and covers her ears.
SISTERS 1
GOOD GIRL, GOOD GIRL
SISTERS 2
YOURE GONNA SMILE TIL IT
HURTS
SO EVERYBODY LOVES YOU.
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GOOD --
SISTERS
PHILOCLEA
I am trapped by my very nature -SISTERS
(creepy musical dismount)
-- GIRL -They disperse, leaving the song unresolved.
A trumpet sounds loudly. Pounding drums
begin.
Pamela enters, excited, followed by Gynecia.
PAMELA
Sister, the trumpet makes its oompah sound!
PHILOCLEA
Such tidings mean our father doth return!
PHILANAX
(dashing in, pulling out little opera glasses)
And the King carries with him a gigantic REVERSAL! -- oh,
nevermind, thats Dametas.
PAMELA
Nay, Fool, I feel a Reversal already! I expected to suffer over
Fathers absence for at LEAST another month! I was rehearsing
it!
(gasping, to herself)
Who AM I now?
(searching)
Anyone? Anyone? I need context -Basilius blasts onstage, carrying an exhausted
Dametas, who he drops into a standing
position.
Father!
Most beloved!
PAMELA (contd)
GYNECIA
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They surround Basilius, covering him in kisses.

Mopsa runs to Dametas.
MOPSA
Father! I missed you so!
She grabs him in a big hug. He doesnt respond -not from tiredness, but from great discomfort.
Mopsa takes one of his arms, then the other,
and positions them in a hug.
DAMETAS
Ah yes. Hugging. Hello.
Basilius pushes his family away.
BASILIUS
Your repertory of fondness distracts me from a matter most
imperative.
GYNECIA
What inspires your sweaty desperation?
BASILIUS
I will announce it only once. Hearken, my servants!
SERVANTS
HEY!
And my family!
HEY!
BASILIUS
GYNECIA, PAMELA, PHILOCLEA
BASILIUS
Where is my Fool?
Hey.
PHILANAX
(slouching from underneath something)
BASILIUS
Now everybody, listen!
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HEY!
ALL
BASILIUS
Well, that Oracle? Madly charming in person, bubbling over
with giddy news.
What is it?
GYNECIA
BASILIUS
The members of our house will take a lengthy holiday as far
from here as possible.
WHAT?
GYNECIA
BASILIUS
Whos up for an adventure?
(sings)
IF YOU GET UP AND WALK AWAY,
LEAVE THE PAST BEHIND -GO AHEAD AND TAKE A RIDE
NO TELLING WHAT YOU'LL FIND.
But --
GYNECIA
BASILIUS
(hushing her)
THE WORDS YOU SAY DON'T MEAN A THING,
THEY FLY RIGHT BY MY EYES.
LOOK IN THE MIRROR, DON'T LOOK AT ME!
MAYBE THEN YOU'LL REALIZE -Philanax sneaks behind Dametas, and removes
from his pocket the paper on which the prophecy
was written. He reads it.
PHILANAX
OH, OH, OH -CHORUS
OH, OH, OH --
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BASILIUS
SO GET UP AND GO!
IF YOU'RE SO TIRED OF MOVING SLOW,
GO!
IF YOU'RE SO TIRED OF MOVING SLOW
GO, GET UP AND GO -Ordering the servants, who are anxiously
chatting:
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BASILIUS (contd)
NOW'S THE TIME FOR YOU TO MOVE!
ACTIONS SHOUT OUT LOUD.
SO CUT THE TALK AND MOVE YOUR FEET
'CUZ WORDS GET LOST IN CROWDS!
(to some malingerers)
QUIT TALKING, START WALKING NOW!
DAMETAS
QUIT TALKING, START WALKING NOW!!
BASILIUS AND DAMETAS
SO GET UP AND GO!
GO!
GO!
GET UP AND GO -The servants vanish off right.
GYNECIA
But Get Up and Go WHERE?
HEY!
SERVANTS
BASILIUS
Its all a wonderful secret.
HEY!
SERVANTS
PHILANAX
You have no idea, do you?
HEY!
No.
SERVANTS
BASILIUS
PHILANAX
I suggest Bohemia, then.
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Bohemia?
BASILIUS
PHILANAX
Bohemia is the land of my people, where We Live as One in
Endless Harmony.
BASILIUS
I heard it was the land of unwashed carnival folk.
PHILANAX
BOTH are true. AND could not be further from where you find
yourself.
BASILIUS
(turning to the group)
BOHEMIA IT IS, EVERYONE!
GYNECIA
But who shall occupy your royal throne while were away?
BASILIUS
I entrust my throne to -(considering, he suddenly points at an
audience member)
HIM! / HER!
The lucky pointed at audience member is
pulled onstage. Basilius removes his crown and
places it on his/her head, crowning our New
King.
NOTE: The New King shall henceforth be treated
with deepest Reverence, as the New King holds
highest status in our Universe.
The actors clear the stage, leaving our New King
dangling in delicious discomfort as ...
The Oracle appears, with dramatic orchestral
accompaniment. She pulls a cord, and the
corresponding proscenium flag plummets to the
ground.
She whips out a binder of papers.
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ORACLE
By the way -- Im the Only One Whos Got the Script. Thats
right. And I predict Ill see you later.
She vanishes.
The music picks back up with GO! GET UP
AND GO!
Our New King is whisked offstage, vanishing
forever.
And is feted briefly backstage as one does
Royalty, and is then returned to the audience.
Philanax retrieves the fallen flag.
SERVANTS
GO! GET UP AND GO!
MORE SERVANTS
GO! GET UP AND GO!
ALL
GO! GET UP AND GO!
GO! GET UP AND GO!
SO GET UP AND GO!
GO!
GO!
GET UP AND GO -GO,
GET UP AND GO -To Bohemia!
GO!
BASILIUS
ALL
At end of applause, the household heads stage
left.
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Musidorus bursts in from the opposite side,

followed by raggedy musicians holding an odd
menagerie of instruments.
MUSIDORUS
My good Lord I beg you pause, for I have business to conduct
before your party parts. Leaves. Before your party leaves.
He slumps, insecurely.
BASILIUS
Most ill-timed is thy pressing business, shepherd.
MUSIDORUS
Word did sweep through town of your departure and that you
may not return. This circumstance does force me to the
undertaking that Im undertaking.
BASILIUS
What is it, pray?
MUSIDORUS
I boldly make proposal for your daughters hand.
Gasps from all but Basilius, who is still. Then
he laughs. And laughs and laughs.
BASILIUS
(to Philanax)
Fool, thy title soon may be usurped.
(to Musidorus)
Young shepherd, suitors by the thousand do precede thee, men
of position, men of boundless wealth -- thy betters who do seek
the hand of Pamela.
MUSIDORUS
I pursue not Pamela, but Philoclea.
Oh.
REALLY?
BASILIUS
(squinting)
(shrugging)
And how dost thou wish to profess thy love?
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MUSIDORUS
In tuneful song, my liege.
BASILIUS
(to the others, waiting)
Our time runs short! Away to Bohemia, all!
PHILOCLEA
(stopping him)
Father, this shepherd has long been a friend to us. Though his
errand may provide no satisfaction, his attempt should provide
him comfort. For -- my own heart doth break to be released
from his friendship.
She lowers her head, emotional.
BASILIUS
They never stop coming around, do they?
GYNECIA
Our many suitors?
BASILIUS
No. All these -- emotions. Bubbling up from everybody all the
time.
(he exhales, frustrated)
Hasten thy suit so I can forbid it all the quicker.
MUSIDORUS
I begin with an apology.
Strong start.
BASILIUS
MUSIDORUS
My musicians are ill-rehearsed, as I woke them in the tavern
only moments ago. I composed the tune while moving here at a
brisk canter.
(he turns to the musicians, whispering)
So. When we get to the bridge, Id like just a tiny diminuendo
before -BASILIUS
(rudely)
A ONE AND A-TWO AND A --
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*** MUSIC: MAD ABOUT YOU

Musidorus snaps to attention as the music
starts.
The musicians are half too tinny and half too
bombastic, and wavering a bit off-key.
After several measures, Musidorus misses his
entrance.
MUSIDORUS
(stopping the band)
I do apologize, we must begin again. I did miss my entrance.
BASILIUS
Time doth waste much like thou dost my patience.
Musidorus turns back to the musicians.
MUSIDORUS
And a-one and a-two and a -Musidorus stands awkwardly as the intro plays
again. The tension is excruciating and it shows.
PAMELA
(loudly)
Were he a RANDY shepherd I might comprehend his appeal. But
a dull shepherd doth defy all logic. And worse, he is a dull
EFFEMINATE shepherd.
Hush!
PHILOCLEA
Musidorus gets his entrance cue from the band.
MUSIDORUS
(totally off key)
IM MAD ABOUT YOU.
(stopping the band again)
I did miss my KEY Im so SORRY -BASILIUS
(gesturing to the band)
FOR THE LOVE OF THE MAKER DONT STOP!
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The band continues as Musidorus catches up

timidly.
MUSIDORUS
-- ABOUT ME, BABE.
A COUPLE OF FOOLS RUN WILD ARENT WE?
He catches himself in a bit of a show choir
pose and drops his hands. As the rhythm kicks
in, he affects a confident, chilled-out posture.
MUSIDORUS (contd)
PUSHING THE DAY INTO THE NIGHTTIME,
SOMEWHERE BETWEEN THE TWO
WE START TO SEE -Two servants drop a large object, which crashes
loudly on the ground. Musidorus flinches.
MUSIDORUS (contd)
(singing both parts)
IM MAD ABOUT YOUMAD ABOUT YOU
LOST IN YOUR EYESASON ASIDE
MAD ABOUT LOVEMAD ABOUT YOU
YOU AND I, I, I -Basilius interrupts, while the percussion
continues under:
BASILIUS
What ill did my ears afflict that they should be so assailed?
Cease thy suit so we may consult the object of thine affection.
(to Philoclea)
My daughter, wouldst thou take this shepherds hand?
Philoclea, tortured, considers.
PHILOCLEA
Gentle Musidorus, by my tears you see that I am moved -indeed by this and every moment we have shared.
(sighing)
But tis best for all that I decline thy suit.
MUSIDORUS
But what of your wishes?
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PHILOCLEA
Were it only my Fate affected I would fly in an instant. But all
my family would be shaken, for I would then not be the
daughter who cares for them. I cannot play my hand and I am
finished.
MUSIDORUS
If that is true, so is mine. I could never provide for you anyway.
PHILOCLEA
Count your blessings that I am gone from sight.
BASILIUS
Theres the daughter I do love. Heed her, shepherd boy.
Shouldst thou pursue thy fancy further, I will sate thy hunger
with my sword -- a welcome meal for such a scrawny sheepnanny.
(turning to Philoclea)
And daughter -- do not engage again with him, by glance or
word or thought! With this matter now settled, let all of us
away!
He charges out, followed by the rest of the
household. Philoclea looks back.
MUSIDORUS
(calling)
I shall not unremember the drumming of thy heart!
They are gone.
MUSIDORUS (cont'd)
Goodbye, my more-than-friend.
He puts his hand on his heart. The bass line
resumes.
Musidorus is alone on the suddenly empty stage - cleared of set and actors. The full orchestra
joins in and the sound is lush, rocking and
beautiful. Musidorus sings in a voice now rich
and full.
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MUSIDORUS (contd)
I'M MAD ABOUT YOU.
YOU'RE MAD ABOUT ME, BABE.
COUPLE OF FOOLS RUN WILD AREN'T WE -- -- -He sings the rising notes into a key change.
Riffage.
MUSIDORUS (contd)
MAD ABOUT YOU!
LOST IN YOUR EYES!
MAD ABOUT LOVE!
YOU AND I!
IM MAD ABOUT YOU!
LOST IN YOUR EYES!
MAD ABOUT LOVE!
YOU AND I! -He continues. Over the sound system we hear
crackly stage manager-type voices:
STAGE MANAGER
Backstage is ready to go into the travel scene, over.
SECOND STAGE MANAGER
The shepherd dude is still onstage, over.
STAGE MANAGER
How are we gonna get rid of him, over?
I could engage the trapdoor, over.
STAGE MANAGER
Oh good idea, over.
Musidorus sinks into a hydraulic trap in the
floor, his voice echoing and fading away.
Wanna join me for a drink at Martinos at intermission, over?
STAGE MANAGER
Im already drunk, over.
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I am too. LOL. Over.
ALONG THE ROADWAY

A rolling carriage enters, pulled by a rather fakelooking pair of horses. On a platform atop it are
Philoclea, Pamela, Philanax and Mopsa.
In the lower compartment: Gynecia and
Basilius.
GYNECIA
Most fevered spouse, the sun shall set ere long. Our servants,
horses, fool and -- let me see -- THY FAMILY hath earned a
respite, no?
BASILIUS
The further from Arcadia the happier the King.
GYNECIA
No King art thou til to Arcadia we return.
BASILIUS
I beg thee, Madam, strive for an enforced cheer.
GYNECIA
But such a cheer would not match the mood of your wife. I do
not recognize thee of late, Basilius; and yet I love you as I did
when we first met. How can this be?
BASILIUS
(annoyed)
Why ponder your emotions? Why traffic in what you cannot
MEASURE?
(shouting)
HOLD -- my servants, horses all! Here we shall make camp.
(more softly, to Dametas)
Dametas, among the men select the stoutest for protection of
my daughters. Neither the appointed guards nor any other male
is permitted to address them.
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DAMETAS
At this very moment your Fool, your MALE Fool, does kiki with
them in manner boisterous and shrill.
BASILIUS
His nature is harmless as a sleeping limbless eunuch. I suspect
he walks in the reverse direction, if you understand me. Any
other man who consorts with my girls will face the bruising of
his man-purse, if not its clean removal.
DAMETAS
I will stand a ferocious guard myself, My King.
BASILIUS
I declare thee not only My Adviser Trusted Most, but Guard of
My Daughters Innocence.
Up top, Pamela is deeply engaged in the writing
of a document.
PHILOCLEA
Pamela, your tongue is stilled in a manner most unique.
Pamela is absorbed in her writing and does not
respond.
PHILOCLEA (contd)
What trance doth enmesh her?
PHILANAX
She requested context. The world she enjoyed is upended, and
now she must find her lover.
PHILOCLEA
But surely she loves not a quill!
PHILANAX
I suggested she compose some verses, in which she might
describe the lover she desires. Then she herself might know
where to search. And lo, I unleashed a Fierce Poetess.
PHILOCLEA
(beseeching Pamela)
Oh darling, read to us what thou hast writ so far.
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PHILANAX
Indeed, Madam. Consider us not a real audience, but that of a
workshop.
A workshop?
PHILOCLEA
PHILANAX
Tis the spirit of a workshop to parade ones most excruciating
fancies for an audience of throwaways. After this, the Artist will
thoughtfully revise his work to please a crowd who matters.
PHILOCLEA
(encouragingly)
Mopsa, wouldst thou not die to hear Pamela recite her verses?
MOPSA
No better verb could you select, Madam.
Pamela swoons suddenly.
But stay, O --.
PAMELA
PHILOCLEA
Attend to her -PAMELA
Nay -- nay -(collecting herself)

I must not rush from my creative fugue, lest I experience
trauma.
(blinking)
Who am I? Where am I?
(examining the others)
Ah yes, I recall thee, and thee, and her. Alas. I am now returned
to this grim and joyless plane. Being uncreative, none of you
can understand my Sorrow.
(takes a healing breath)
All right, let the unveiling commence.
(all business)
Hearken. None dare cough or crinkle candies during my recital.
This verse is the first, and almost finished:
(reading:)
My beautys known in many lands,
From India to China.
(MORE)
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PAMELA (cont'd)
If you desire to take my hand
You must have --
(frustrated)
I cannot find a proper word with which to rhyme! My instincts
suggest a word that starts with V --You must have a vuh -vuh --. Oh, I have no hope of finishing. Do forget I wrote it.
Heres another.
(reading from her parchment)
If you have one, Ill smile on thee,
For two Ill fall to bits.
For ONE wont win my ardency -I need a PAIR of --
(again frustrated)
Jugs. That does not rhyme. Slits? That makes no SENSE! O - poetry is DIFFICULT, dear sister -- even more so to write than
read! Tis like a PLUG doth block up what should freely flow.
PHILOCLEA
What sort of word dost thou seek?
PAMELA
A word of many elements, compressed into a tiny and
accomodating box; a word not to parade in high society but to
relish in private -- in a lovers bedchamber, perhaps -- candles -a lutist in the corner -- none but us do know of our mischief -except perhaps the lutist -- and in such private bliss that word
gets ridden like a gutter-strumpet to delight all attending
parties!
Mopsa has pieced the mystery together. She is
stunned.
MOPSA
Madam, you might stand upon the brink of revelation -- a
surprise indeed not only to yourself!
Pamela gasps as inspiration strikes.
PAMELA
But hush now. Mopsa, busy my quill! For in my mind is writ a
verse complete:
Whether thou be a knight or knave,
A giant or a runt,
Thou shalt not win my maidenhead
Unless thou hast a --
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Blaring trumpets interrupt her as Gynecia

enters.
GYNECIA
The soothing trumpets of the night have sounded. Daughters,
into your gowns, which await you in your tent.
Yes, mother.
Swiftly now!
PHILOCLEA AND PAMELA

GYNECIA
Philoclea and Gynecia exit. Mopsa stops Pamela.
MOPSA
Good madam, I beg you stay.
PAMELA
My verse is lost to legend, like those of Euclid.
MOPSA
In a manner plain yet most considered do I suggest -- that I
suspect your loves attraction doth not lean in ways expected.
PAMELA
Do you suggest I seek an alien sort of love?
MOPSA
Nay, your love resideth in a landscape most familiar.
PAMELA
You pique me lately, Mopsa, rousing in my heart a passion
most disquieting.
MOPSA
Yet passion is a word to make a mouses love a lions.
PAMELA
Forgetst thou not a hateful sort of passion.
MOPSA
And such a passion I do rouse in you?
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PAMELA
Perchance, for thou dost come at me with smugness all the
time.
MOPSA
With smugness, yes, in prior days, but candor in the present!
Not all thats unaccustomed need be hostile. Cast aside your
weapons, Madam.
PAMELA
And present myself unarmed to my adversary?
MOPSA
After my countless indulgences in our years together, you see
me still as a foe? Madam put away your pique and find your
humor!
*** SONG: AUTOMATIC RAINY DAY
PAMELA
Hah. Humor?
(sings)
YOU WALK INTO THE ROOM AND THE TEMPERATURE FALLS.
THE MOOD DISAPPEARS,
CHASED AWAY BY THE GATHERING STORM
THAT IS HERE -I LOOK UP: PAINTED SKY FULL OF MEMORIES.
AND THIS HOUSE HAS NO ROOF TO SHELTER ME.
IT'S AN AUTOMATIC RAINY DAY
WHEN I SEE YOU.
IT'S THE PERFECT CONSOLATION PRIZE,
A LITTLE PIECE OF BLUE,
IT'S AN AUTOMATIC RAINY DAY,
ITS AN AUTOMATIC RAINY DAY.
MOPSA
JUST WHEN IT FEELS LIKE THE WORLD
IS TOGETHER AND WHOLE,
YOU COME AROUND -DRAGGING YOUR PERMANENT CLOUD
AND THE WEATHER TURNS COLD.
HANG AROUND FOR A REPEAT OF HISTORY
FALLING DOWN IN THE HOLE YOU DUG FOR ME.
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WHEN I SEE YOU.
MOPSA AND PAMELA
A LITTLE PIECE OF BLUE.
MOPSA
AN AUTOMATIC RAINY DAY.
MOPSA AND PAMELA
AND WHEN YOU SEE THE REACTION YOU CAUSE
DOES IT MAKE YOU SAD?
PAMELA
DO YOU EVEN REALIZE
THAT YOU'RE SUCH A DRAG?
MOPSA
(emotional beneath an arch dignity)
Should you not relieve me now, Ill offer resignation at our
journeys end. Though in truth I know not then where I should
go.
PAMELA
(emotional beneath an arch graciousness)
I will pen a commendation most persuasive.
MOPSA
I thank you, Madam.
PAMELA
Thou art excused. I shall attempt to dress myself.
MOPSA
I take my leave with gratitude, Madam, and wish thee favor.
Mopsa turns to go, music drops out briefly. She
then turns, fiercely.
MOPSA (contd)
WHEN I SEE YOU.
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MOPSA AND PAMELA

A LITTLE PIECE OF BLUE.
(riffage between them)
ITS AN AUTOMATIC RAINY DAY,
(sadly)
ITS AN AUTOMATIC RAINY DAY
WHEN I SEE YOU.
Mopsa goes. Pamela is confused and bereft.
A CLEARING IN THE FOREST

Musidorus enters, exhausted, chasing the
travelers. He weeps pathetically.
Nearby, a large pile of rubbish, partly covered by
a sheet.
MUSIDORUS
(looking off left)
In the distance they do make encampment.
O praise the Maker! I may get some rest.
Alas no bed have I, nor clothes to change,
No minted boar brush tooth scrubber. I fear
My trailing after Philoclea proves
Ill-planned.
He discovers the rubbish.
MUSIDORUS (contd)
But hey, whats here? Yon rubbish might
Prove treasure for a travler unequippd.
He lifts a blanket, revealing two skeletons. He
screams.
MUSIDORUS (contd)
Unlucky pair, will you become a threesome
Ere long? When dead I shall not put you out
By eating much. But look -- I do espy
A note within one clutched and bony hand.
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He takes the note, and reads:

MUSIDORUS (contd)
O traveler, behold and now applaud:
These sad remains are of our theater troupe,
Who met demise for lack of serious message.
(dropping the note)
O tis a cruel business, that, and glad
Am I that I did not that life pursue.
WHAT HO!
A voice!
VOICE IN FOREST
MUSIDORUS
VOICE IN FOREST
Who ist trespasses here?
MUSIDORUS
O fearsome voice, take pity, Im unarmed.
VOICE IN FOREST
A liar you make of yourself! Tis dark
but I do spy a pair of arms at least.
The King (now ex-) commands his guards
To execute all vagabonds and thieves
And meddlers and pole-dancers.
MUSIDORUS
I do swear
That as a shepherd I am none of those!
But doth a barnpole count? One drunken night -Philanax emerges.
PHILANAX
Thou art a gullible sort of shepherd.
Hey, friend.
Dear Philanax!
MUSIDORUS
PHILANAX
How doth you do?
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MUSIDORUS
Most dreadful. Yes, the love-struck Musidorus
Will meet his much-deserved end ere long.
He thought he could extend the game, but no:
For without Love he has no cause for Life.
An action by itself is not enough for Man
When Circumstance trumps Possibility.
He played a foolish card by following,
For in this twilight he shall not survive.
PHILANAX
Thats true of Musidorus -- not for You.
So let him die.
MUSIDORUS
What sayst thou?
PHILANAX
Let him die,

So like the Phoenix You may be reborn.
Ay, let us hold his oerdue funeral.
And since his ears are dead and deaf, we can
recall what in him we did most despise.
Philanax gestures for him to begin.
MUSIDORUS
Emotional, he was.
The tears!
PHILANAX
MUSIDORUS
Not known for bravery.
PHILANAX
Better described
As cowardice. And not a virile man.
No creature made for sex did he portray.
Nay?
MUSIDORUS
PHILANAX
He possessed a swagger not unlike
A spastic marionette.
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MUSIDORUS
Thou makst me laugh.
PHILANAX
To laugh at ones own flaws doth set the stage
For Transformation. Now choose a role
That by the King and all his kin may long
Go undiscovered.
MUSIDORUS
This discarded bag
Of costumes might inspire a plan.
PHILANAX
So strip!
To Hades now doth Musidorus go,
A vision of the past. The empty canvas
is free to paint himself as he desires.
(sings)
THERE ARE SOME THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER REVEAL
ABOUT THE WAY YOU THINK AND WHAT YOU FEEL.
KEEP THE SURFACE, SMOOTH, CALM AND COOL -EYES AS DEEP AND BLUE AS A SWIMMING POOL.
AND WITH A MASK OF CERTAINTY
YOULL BE A HERO! WHO COULD DISAGREE?
LIKE A PICTURE THAT'S BEEN PAINTED
AND IS HANGING ON THE WALL:
AN ADMIRED BUT UNTOUCHABLE --- REFLECTION!
A VISION OF NOWNESS!
MUSIDORUS AND PHILANAX
A VISION OF NOW!
Musidorus has stripped down to his underpants,
which hes about to peel off.
I bid thee halt!
But why?
Family show.
PHILANAX
MUSIDORUS
PHILANAX
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PHILANAX (contd)
TO KNOW THE WORLD, COMPLEX AND WIDE -MUSIDORUS
TO BE TEMPERAMENTALLY TRANQUILIZED -ILL FACE MY FOES, SHOW FEAR OF NONE.
PHILANAX
LET NO OBSTACLE MAKE YOU COME UNDONE.
MUSIDORUS
I'M A CURIOSITY!
NOTORIOUS, THEY'LL NEVER GET WHAT THEY SEE.
AND IS HANGING ON THE WALL,
AN ADMIRED BUT UNTOUCHABLE -MUSIDORUS
-- REFLECTION!
A VISION OF NOWNESS!
A VISION OF NOW -A VISION OF NOW!
MUSIDORUS
(holding up leather armor)
What thinkest thou of this?
Philanax busts out laughing.
PHILANAX
Tis the armor of an Amazon!
MUSIDORUS
Twould be cunning as a fox to take on such a female quality.
PHILANAX
Well-hatched is thine ingenious plan. Now that thou thought it
up, thou really shouldst!
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MUSIDORUS
(donning the armor)
AND WITH A MASK OF CERTAINTY
NO INTERFERENCE WILL GET THROUGH TO ME!
Philanax reaches into his pocket and draws
fierce war-paint on Musidorus.
AND IS HANGING ON THE WALL.
AN ADMIRED BUT UNTOUCHABLE -MUSIDORUS
-- REFLECTION!
A VISION OF NOWNESS -MUSIDORUS AND PHILANAX
A VISION OF NOWNESS -A VISION OF NOWNESS -A VISION OF NOW!
Philanax gives a thumbs-up and runs off.
Now disguised, the platform under Musidorus
raises him up. He lifts a sword, triumphantly, lit
by a dazzling light.
MUSIDORUS
A VISION OF NOW!
THE CLEARING - NEXT MORNING

Basilius and Gynecia have tea as the servants
break camp.
BASILIUS
By sleeping thou didst miss the boozy frolics of the servants.
Tis a gift indeed to live on puny means, for one can make so
much of so little.
(No response.)
By thy silence thou wishest me to ask if thou art angry.
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GYNECIA
I do but share a moment with myself, for I know that she at
least will listen. Or wilt thou snatch me from my solitude as
well?
BASILIUS
Your passivity contains in it a measure of aggression.
GYNECIA
Thou didst upend our lives without consulting me, who
shareth in the outcome! But lo, our daughters enter, now let us
mimic cheer.
Pamela and Philoclea enter.
PAMELA
(whispering noisily)
They are fighting, Philoclea.
PHILOCLEA
Tis but the conflict that does sometimes come of love.
PAMELA
What does that suggest of loves constancy?
PHILOCLEA
That it is sometimes tested -- but their love could never be
inconstant.
They wait a moment.
PAMELA
Tis best that I squash their hostility.
PHILOCLEA
Thou might only fan the flames.
PAMELA
(offended)
I am not ungentle. Please.
(crossing to her parents, loudly and airily)
Philoclea, I wish for parents like to those in storybooks! Not the
story where the parents toss their children in the foundling
farm, or where they saut their young in a tasty fry-up. I refer
to the stories where little of note occurs, where the parents are
serene and do not fight.
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She buttons the speech with a meaningful gaze

at her parents.
BASILIUS
(lightly)
Let not our small disputing give you doubt: I love your mother
greatly.
GYNECIA
It doth appear that some need reassuring.
BASILIUS
Understand this, daughters: as a young man I believed that love
was in the capture and kill. I was a most esteemed hunter. But
then a tart-tongued lady of privilege did knock my head about.
Gynecia smiles.
BASILIUS (contd)
I put away my trophy-case to marry her. She needs no pedestal.
By breathing she doth prove herself my greatest prize. And our
love, unchanged, has weathered all this while.
PHILOCLEA
When you met him, Mother, was he dreadful?
*** MUSIC: THIS OLD FEELING
GYNECIA
In secret I enjoyed his rashness, though I hid it neath my fierce
upbraiding of him.
BASILIUS
And tis her upbraiding of me now that doth recall my
infatuation when we met.
(sings)
THIS OLD FEELING, IT'S NEW TO ME -I'M NOT SURE HOW I SHOULD BE.
I'D TATTOO MY VOW FOR ALL TO SEE
TO PROVE HOW MUCH YOU MEAN TO ME!
A MILLION TIMES SAID IN AS MANY SONGS
BUT BEFORE YOU, I COULD NEVER SING ALONG!
THIS OLD FEELING --
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GYNECIA
THIS OLD FEELING THAT IM FEELING -BASILIUS
IT'S GOT ME UP!
GYNECIA
MY HEAD IS REELING!
BASILIUS
I CANT BELIEVE -GYNECIA
MY HEART YOURE STEALING -BASILIUS
-- MY GOOD LUCK.
I'D WAIT AT YOUR DOOR -GYNECIA
ILL BE ALWAYS AT YOUR SIDE -BASILIUS
-- TILL ETERNITY
GYNECIA
UNTIL THE END OF TIME -BASILIUS
BECAUSE YOU MEAN -GYNECIA
-- BECAUSE YOU ARE MINE!
BASILIUS
-- THAT MUCH TO ME!
WELL, A MILLION TIMES SAID IN AS MANY SONGS
BUT BEFORE YOU, I COULD NEVER SING ALONG -I LOVE YOU!
OH YES, I DO -GYNECIA
I LOVE YOU!
OH YES, I DO --
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BASILIUS
I LOVE YOU!
OH YES, I DO -BASILIUS AND GYNECIA
YES, I DO -GYNECIA
I LOVE YOU!
OH YES, I DO -Behind them, a lion emerges from the forest and
stalks toward them. They do not notice.
BASILIUS
I LOVE YOU!
OH YES, I DO -GYNECIA
I LOVE YOU!
OH YES, I DO --
YES, I --
BASILIUS AND GYNECIA

The orchestra stings as the lion snarls and
snaps at them. The family scatters amidst much
shouting.
Basilius draws his sword and circles the stalking
lion. With a roar it disarms Basilius. Turning, it
stalks toward Philoclea, cornering her.
BASILIUS
Oh Maker please deliver us your aid!
Suddenly Musidorus (as the Amazon) roars
onstage and battles expertly with the lion, who
flips and cartwheels and flies from reach.
Finally, Musidorus severs the lions head and
holds it aloft, accompanied by cheers.
BASILIUS (contd)
Most Amazonian warrior, the fate of my House is forevermore
entwined with thee!
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Behind Musidorus a bear emerges from the

forest. The family freezes, and Philoclea timidly
points.
MUSIDORUS
And now this card is played? Game on!
Musidorus battles the bear, who seems to have
developed the ability to pick up a sword and
parry with it. Musidorus decapitates the bear as
well, and falls to the ground, gasping.
BASILIUS
(calling to servants, who have entered)
Fetch wine and food for this brave Female!
GYNECIA
Most valiant creature, when I find my breath I shall spend it all
on gratitude.
PHILOCLEA
So shall we all. Courageous sister, I am Philoclea, the
grievously plain daughter of King Basilius. And thy name is -- ?
MUSIDORUS
(improvising)
Cle -- O -- Phila. My name is Cleophila, fair -- Philoclea.
PHILOCLEA
A name that does resemble mine, yet with such valiance in
aspect! I thank thee beyond any words yet coined.
Pamela is struck dumb with attraction.
PAMELA
Im bashful. Do make my presence known, sister.
PHILOCLEA
Oh I do forget thee, Pamela; please let me introduce -PAMELA
Clee ohhh pphhhilla. Thy name doth make my body tingle down
to parts uncharted -- ere now.
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MUSIDORUS
A dram from the next villages apothecary will repair thee, I
expect!
(turn his attention to Gynecia)
Fair maiden, you must complete a trio of these sisters.
GYNECIA
(blushing)
Oh heavens -Pamela pushes her aside.
PAMELA
She is my ancient mother and shes taken besides.
BASILIUS
(to Musidorus)
Thy tongue is honeyed as thy sword is sharp, divine Cleophila.
In battle thou dost cut a figure most fearsome, but in
conversation thou art most pleasingly effeminate.
Musidorus is puzzled.
All four gaze on Cleophilia, smitten.
PHILOCLEA
But pray, Cleophila, tell us how you came here to this road?
MUSIDORUS
Many adventures have I passed in diverse lands, to make the
world see the excellency of Amazons. But the unmerciful sea
deprived me of all my company, and aimless wandring guided
me to here.
PHILOCLEA
Poor traveler, abused by fate!
MUSIDORUS
Nay, twas but a sacrifice for the rescue of beautys perfection.
PAMELA
Oh! Gracious, thank you. In return I declare myself your
servant and eternal shadow.
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MUSIDORUS
(not looking at Pamela)
Nay, twas Philoclea I did save.
PAMELA
(trying to make sense of it)
Did thy eyes drop from thy skull? Do let us search upon the
ground. Everyone, stop your feet -PHILOCLEA
(to Musidorus)
Thou art acquainted with thy beauty so thou canst not help
but fall into its discourse.
MUSIDORUS
If there be beauty it is in mine eyes, which thy happy presence
has imparted unto them.
BASILIUS
Allow me to obtain this much of thee: that thou wilt remain
among us, to ease thine own travail and grace us with thy
company, and so the time should lightly fly.
Gynecia steps forward as time passes.
THE CAMP, OUTSIDE THE TENTS

Two large tents occupy the stage. A party is
underway in front of them. A group of musicians
plays a rollicking tune. Philoclea attempts to
teach Musidorus a complicated court dance.
GYNECIA
(to the audience)
A fortnight hath the Amazon been with us.
On Musidorus and Philoclea:
MUSIDORUS
My feet show grace in battle but now prove my adversary.
PHILOCLEA
Tis a complex dance for any! Try once more --
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MUSIDORUS
I am thy student for so long as thou wilt endure me.
PHILOCLEA
Perhaps my student forever thou shalt be.
MUSIDORUS
You said you loved a shepherd once. Doth he linger in thy
thoughts?
PHILOCLEA
With endless regret I reflect on him, at night while sleep eludes
me, my heavy head at rest upon a pillow wet with tears.
MUSIDORUS
I should not see thee sad, new friend.
PHILOCLEA
O modest Cleophila, for thirteen days Ive known thee -- and yet
I feel Ive known thee all my life.
Pamela lurks darkly outside the festivities.
PAMELA
(mocking viciously under her breath)
O mehmeh Cleophila, for thirteen days Ive known thee and yet
I neeny neeny blah blah blah.
On Gynecia, as the lesson continues in the
background:
GYNECIA
The Amazon doth lift the mood of all.
Though cultured not she nonetheless reveals
a cultivated mind; and wit that cuts
except it woundeth none. But still, she troubles
my intuition -- I am not sure why.
Yes, something is off about the Amazon.
On the party:
MUSIDORUS
Good lady, I must take my leave a moment.
PHILOCLEA
Dost thou seek a companion?
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MUSIDORUS
Yes, a piece of earth in need of water.
PHILOCLEA
(laughing)
Tis not a lady who doth speak so plain.
Musidorus starts to form a reply, then turns
and goes.
He passes behind Gynecia without noticing her.
Safely distant, he turns upstage, looks right and
left, and proceeds to take a noisy standing leak.
Gynecia turns and sees him standing. She turns
back to the audience, her mouth an O.
GYNECIA
Most gifted Amazon!
The leak continues. And continues. And
continues. Gynecias eyes widen accordingly. It
ends with a squirt, squirt, squirt.
Gynecia turns toward him again, at which
moment he gives a prominent shake. He heads
back to the party.
GYNECIA (contd)
But hold! She is a counterfeit of she!
No woman but a masculine intruder -Oh quick now, I must raise a loud alarum!
She turns as though to move into the party. She
starts laughing, and turns back to the audience.
GYNECIA (contd)
But then again what SPORT! I do admire
his insubordinate and feminine
endeavors. Of what mischief is he made!
Virility doth show itself in men
who misbehave. And I have long adored
a male of reckless quality. In truth
I thought I married such a man, but no.
Familiarity hath bred a stranger.
A love that promised wild abandon
(MORE)
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GYNECIA (contd)
now delivers much efficiency.
Tis not a destination of my choosing,
But I knew not of vigilance until
The vise had closed. And now? Oh Hell,
my heart is fixed upon the scalawag.
*** MUSIC: MY TRAVELING HEART
Intro begins, on piano.
GYNECIA (contd)
Whoever he is shall remain to be seen.
The trickster will trick and Ill not intervene.
He might be an answer to what I deny:
that cunning reversal that wants no reply -Music drops out.
What if?
GYNECIA (contd)
The band kicks in.
GYNECIA (contd)
No pain is there in wondring on the past:
the road untraveled is forever closed.
No, it is wondring on what yet may come
that maketh pain from possibility.
(sings)
JUST WHEN I THINK ITS DONE IT STARTS AGAIN -THIS FEELING CREEPS IN FROM THE COLD.
I SWEAR WITH A HEART STRETCHED TAUT AS A WIRE,
I SWEAR MY HEART, I NEVER WANTED TO ROAM.
I SWEAR WHILE THIS HEART
IS PULLED LIKE A MAGNET FROM POLE TO POLE.
IS ALL IM LEFT WITH A TRAVELING HEART?
A LOVER NO LONGER IF I WOULD DEPART.
NEXT TIME I SWEAR ILL BE TRUE FROM THE START
AND SAY GOODBYE TO MY TRAVELING HEART.
At the party, Basilius watches the Amazon,
smitten.
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BASILIUS
OUR TIME TOGETHER, I LOSE MY SENSE OF ME.
ALL I SEE IS MY TRAVELING HEART.
MY RUSTED CHARMS NO LONGER BRING ME LUCK!
ILL STAY INSIDE MYSELF
WHAT ELSE CAN I CAN DO?
I AM BESIDE MYSELF
I WONDER, MY NEW LOVE, DO YOU LOVE ME TOO?
IS ALL IM LEFT WITH A TRAVELING HEART?
Philoclea directs the assembled group.
One, two --
PHILOCLEA
As the instrumental section begins, all
assembled break into an impossibly elaborate
court dance, with Musidorus featured.
He performs a nifty bit of footwork.
Hey!
ALL
He is framed on either side by Basilius and
Gynecia.

THATS ALL IM LEFT WITH -- A TRAVELING HEART.
Basilius and Gynecia come together as partners
and waltz around the stage.
BASILIUS AND GYNECIA (contd)
ALL IM LEFT WITH -- A TRAVELING HEART.
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Clap! Clap! They break apart and face the

audience.
GYNECIA
JUST WHEN I THINK ITS DONE -BASILIUS
JUST WHEN I THINK ITS DONE -BASILIUS AND GYNECIA
JUST WHEN I THINK ITS DONE
IT STARTS AGAIN.
PHILOCLEAS TENT
In her well-appointed tent, Philoclea lies in bed,
head on her pillow.
A sad strain begins.
*** MUSIC: Vacation
PHILOCLEA
(a gorgeous ballad:)
CAN'T SEEM TO GET MY MIND OFF OF YOU.
SO FAR FROM HOME WITH NOTHING TO DO -NOW THAT I'M AWAY,
I WISH I'D STAYED.
TOMORROW'S A DAY OF MINE THAT YOU WON'T BE IN.
WHEN YOU LOOKED AT ME, I SHOULD HAVE RUN,
BUT I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST FOR FUN.
I SEE I WAS WRONG -AND I'M NOT SO STRONG -I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN ALL ALONG THAT TIME WOULD TELL:
A WEEK WITHOUT YOU,
THOUGHT I'D FORGET;
TWO WEEKS WITHOUT YOU
AND I STILL HAVEN'T GOTTEN OVER YOU YET.
VACATION,
ALL I EVER WANTED --
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VACATION,
HAD TO GET AWAY -VACATION,
MEANT TO BE SPENT ALONE -VACATION,
ALL I EVER WANTED -VACATION,
HAD TO GET AWAY -VACATION,
MEANT TO BE SPENT ALONE -A WEEK WITHOUT YOU,
I THOUGHT I'D FORGET.
TWO WEEKS WITHOUT YOU AND
IM STILL NOT OVER YOU YET -Musidorus approaches Dametas, who guards the
tent.
DAMETAS
Amazon, state the cause of thy approach.
MUSIDORUS
I would bid goodnight to sweet Philoclea, who grew ashen and
flew from our merriment.
DAMETAS
Tis my charge to protect the Princesses from Distraction.
MUSIDORUS
Nay, thy charge is more specific!
(framing it)
To protect them from MASCULINE distraction.
DAMETAS
That is what I said! It is my charge! To protect them as I protect
my Mopsa.
MUSIDORUS
(flirtily)
Then we agree -- handsome! And certainly you see naught here
but Woman, harmless and soft despite her fierce pretensions.
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DAMETAS
(a little aroused)
A great Muchness of Woman do I behold in thee. But I am
troubled in my liver, or thereabouts, for I sensed something
amiss when you accompanied our company. A mystery
malingers and Dametas gives chase -- but the body has not yet
appeared.
MUSIDORUS
Oh do let me pass, you strong Provider, you. It is the root of my
nature to mean well. Gaze into my eyes, I do not lie to you.
DAMETAS
Just now I heard a wistful strain emerge from her tent-flap. We
should allow her to marinate in her melancholy.
MUSIDORUS
Yet by not accosting this melancholy I would not be her Friend!
I am Nothing if not her Friend. Allow me to offer comfort, lest
you be addressing a Spectre!
Dametas considers. Then:
Naw.
DAMETAS
MUSIDORUS
(good-natured)
Fine then, I submit.
Tis best.
Ah, yes.
DAMETAS
MUSIDORUS
(considering)
I wonder if I might rest my hind upon thy knee, so we could, as
they say, reset the game.
DAMETAS
Your hind? Right now?
MUSIDORUS
Yes! But only on one condition. I only agree to this maneuver if
you promise to tell me long-winded stories of your youth.
(MORE)
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MUSIDORUS (cont'd)
These last several nights I observed you mesmerizing others
with your stories, and they seemed as if HYPNOTIZED. I await
my turn.
DAMETAS
(aroused)
Stories of my youth, eh?
MUSIDORUS
Yes! When you were virile. I do not lend my hind for nothing.
DAMETAS
Of course Ill tell you! Both of us benefit then in this exercise,
the teller and the told. So sit, sit!
Musidorus perches on his knee.
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DAMETAS
(aroused, about to launch into a long tale)
I was quite the hellion back then, make no mistake of it -MUSIDORUS
Wonderful! The game is reset and everyone wins. Can I go in
now?
DAMETAS
Yes, hurry in by all means -- despite my unspecific misgivings -MUSIDORUS
Many thanks, Im sure. Blessings on thy family.
He enters the tent. Dametas considers.
DAMETAS
I am moved. Nobody asked for my stories before.
Inside the tent:
MUSIDORUS
Philoclea, tis I.
PHILOCLEA
Oh leave me be lest I depress thee to a stupor.
MUSIDORUS
Philoclea, use me as thy pillow. I will thus take on thy tears.
PHILOCLEA
How thou dost undo me with thy simple kindness.
MUSIDORUS
Unveil thy heart to me.
PHILOCLEA
A fortnight ago I turned from my true love. I made his ardency a
laughingstock. I knew no other way. And only in the losing of
Musidorus did the treasure of him show its worth.
MUSIDORUS
Would that I could make thee happy, by a simple word or
revelation --
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PHILOCLEA
Thank thee for thy kindness, Cleophila. I declare that -- given
Pamelas uneven temper as of late -- thou art more sister than
my sister.
PAMELA
(from somewhere)
HO THERE! I HAVE HEARD IT!
Pamela emerges angrily -- and awkwardly -- from
under the bed as music begins.
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*** MUSIC: HOW MUCH MORE

PAMELA (contd)
Red-handed have I caught you both, conspiring to exclude me!
PHILOCLEA
Pamela, what dost thou suggest?
PAMELA
I know not what doth run amok betwixt you but I have eyes.
(raging to Musidorus)
EVERY NIGHT I SEE YOU WALK
WALKING BY AND WALKING BY.
YOU HOLD YOUR HEAD SO CLOSE TO HERS
I COULD CRY, YEAH, I COULD CRY!
I WANT TO BE THAT GIRL TONIGHT!
GIRL TONIGHT, GIRL TONIGHT -HOW MUCH MORE CAN I TAKE
BEFORE I GO CRAZY, OH YEAH?
(On each crazy she tears at her costume,
leaving it in tatters.)
PAMELA (contd)
CRAZY, OH YEAH?
HOW MUCH MORE HEARTACHE
BEFORE I GO CRAZY, OH YEAH?
CRAZY, OH YEAH-YEAH!
Shes now in her undergarments.
PHILOCLEA
Tis like a mad scene in a tragedy -MUSIDORUS
-- where none is left alive.
PAMELA
LOVE IS IN YOUR EYES
MAKING ME CRY
WHY ISN'T IT ME?
IM LOOKING GOOD
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JUST LIKE SHE WOULD

IF SHE COULD BE ME -She raises a large vase above her head.
PAMELA (contd)
HOW MUCH MORE CAN I TAKE -Pamela, no!
PHILOCLEA
The music stops completely.
Pamela is wild-eyed and breathing hard.
A moment of suspense.
PAMELA
-- BEFORE I GO
(smashing the vase, music kicks back in)
CRAZY, OH YEAH?
CRAZY, OH YEAH?
HOW MUCH MORE HEARTACHE
BEFORE I GO
(clearing a table with a sweep of her arm)
CRAZY, OH YEAH!
(upending the bed)
CRAZY, OH YEAH!
(destroying everything she can)
CRAZY OH YEAH -The tempo drops out. Pamela riffs soulfully and
jams with the band.
PAMELA (contd)
I GO CRAZY -MMM-HMM OH YEAH CUH-RAAAAZZZZY -BWAPPIN BE DEBOP CUH-RAAAAZZZYYY -CUH CUH CUH CUH RAAYYYYY,
RAY RAY RAY CUH CUH CUH,
CUH RAAAZZZYYYY -CRAZY,
OHHHHH YEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
Big finish! She gasps for air. Pamela and
Musidorus are frozen in shock.
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PAMELA (contd)
(delicately)
Now that Ive exposed my vulnerable side, I will soon return to
Cleophila, moist and oerrun with apology.
(getting close to Musidorus, whispering)
Drop. Her.
She exits.
PHILOCLEA
Oh follow her, intrepid Cleophilia. She is but jealous.
Thinkest thou?
MUSIDORUS
PHILOCLEA
Why should I deserve all of thine attention?
MUSIDORUS
Because -- Oh, I have no words to express my passion for thee,
fair one.
PHILOCLEA
But easily laid aside is the passion for a friend.
MUSIDORUS
I wish for more than friendship with Philoclea.
A moment.
PHILOCLEA
I now do comprehend thy meaning. I fear I cannot help thee. I
am not that way designed.
MUSIDORUS
But nay, I know thou art.
PHILOCLEA
Your ardency does recall one on whom I turned my back a
fortnight ago -- oh but wait -MUSIDORUS
(sings gently, a capella)
IM MAD ABOUT YOU ...
LOST IN YOUR EYES ...
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He puts her hand on his chest. The orchestra

picks up the bass-line beating of his heart (as in
their first scene together).
Philocleas eyes widen.
Musidorus?!
PHILOCLEA
MUSIDORUS
MAD ABOUT LOVE ...
PHILOCLEA
The completeness that is Cleophila is completed in Musidorus!
MUSIDORUS AND PHILOCLEA
(singing together)
YOU AND I!
(music kicks in)
SOMETHING 'BOUT YOU!
RIGHT HERE BESIDE ME -TOUCHES THE TOUCHED PART OF ME
LIKE I CAN'T BELIEVE!
PHILOCLEA
PUSHING THE NIGHT INTO THE DAYTIME
WATCHING THE SKY'S FIRST LIGHT -MUSIDORUS AND PHILOCLEA
WHILE THE CITY SLEEPS!
PHILOCLEA
MAD ABOUT YOU!
MUSIDORUS
MAD ABOUT YOU -PHILOCLEA
LOST IN YOUR EYES!
MUSIDORUS
REASON ASIDE -PHILOCLEA
MAD ABOUT LOVE!
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MUSIDORUS
MAD ABOUT LOVE -YOU AND I!
PHILOCLEA
(radiant)
How Joy unfolds in Everything!
(sudden panic)
But nay! I beg assurance I am dreaming you!
MUSIDORUS
I am Musidorus, and thou art my Princess!
PHILOCLEA
I am at slumber; my life Awake cannot ALLOW a Musidorus.
MUSIDORUS
I didst reveal myself; you cannot unremember me.
A moment. She makes a connection.
PHILOCLEA
I know now -- all contradiction, all reversals are Included! O
Adoring Universe!
They move together. A moment. They almost
kiss. An idea strikes her.
PHILOCLEA (contd)
We must fly! We can get past Dametas; but O -- he will give
chase til he deports us back to Father. Yet we must risk it; I
will not abandon thee again.
MUSIDORUS
In my little HOLIDAY JAUNT through the Wild, I observed a lot
of hungry animals and a lotta human skeletons. We have not
resources to survive!
PHILOCLEA
Oh, always with the damned resources!
A new thought crosses her mind, and she
laughs.
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MUSIDORUS
But why this laughter, my capricious love?
PHILOCLEA
I wanted to leave home to get perspective,
Beyond the way they see me. Thats The Girl
Who Always Does Whats Best For Everyone.
The view from here -- is No. Im now The Girl
Who Always Does Whats Best for HER.
Into music:
PHILOCLEA (contd)
(deciding)
Sweet Musidorus, Fortune will reveal
Our method of escape; it wants but time.
We will not fly from them; and nor will we
Confront them. They make a diet of
Delusion, so why interrupt the feast?
(sings)
CAN YOU HEAR THEM?
THEY TALK ABOUT US,
TELLING LIES -WELL THAT'S NO SURPRISE.
CAN YOU SEE THEM?
SEE RIGHT THROUGH THEM?
THEY HAVE NO SHIELD,
NO SECRETS TO REVEAL -IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THEY SAY
IN THE PETTY GAMES PEOPLE PLAY -HEY-EY!
You wanna?
Yes.

MUSIDORUS
PHILOCLEA

OUR LIPS ARE SEALED!
They laugh, excited.
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MUSIDORUS
THERE'S A WEAPON
THAT WE MUST USE
IN OUR DEFENSE -What?
SILENCE.
PHILOCLEA
MUSIDORUS
She laughs.
MUSIDORUS (contd)
WHEN YOU LOOK AT THEM
LOOK RIGHT THROUGH THEM
THAT'S WHEN THEY'LL DISAPPEAR
THAT'S WHEN WE'LL BE FEARED
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THEY SAY
IN THE JEALOUS GAMES PEOPLE PLAY -HEY-EY!
OUR LIPS ARE SEALED.
They move close together.
MUSIDORUS AND PHILOCLEA (contd)
PAY NO MIND TO WHAT THEY SAY,
IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYWAY!
OUR LIPS ARE SEALED!
As the strutting rhythm drops to the bridge,
Philoclea and Musidorus kiss.
In a window above the stage, the Oracle appears.
She pulls a cord, and the second flag falls from
the proscenium.
ORACLE
Thats right. Buh bye.
She waves and slams the window closed.
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Pamela enters with an enormous bouquet of

flowers -- to find the lovers kissing. She
collapses in sobs to the ground.
Mopsa enters and sees her. She goes to Pamelas
side with genuine concern:
MOPSA
HUSH, MY DARLING -DON'T YOU CRY.
QUIET, ANGEL -IM ALWAYS BY -We add a measure or two of drums.
Pamela looks up at Mopsa and makes a
realization. She launches toward Mopsa and
they embrace in a full-on kiss.
The triumphant Oracle reappears and points at
the first flag, pulling a cord. It descends from
the proscenium.
ORACLE
(as if in a TV commercial)
Need a reliable return on your investment? Trust the Oracle.
She winks and does an OK sign with her fingers.
She vanishes. A single flag remains.
PAMELA
Twas only thy lips that could unlock the riddle and continue
the game! O Radiant Universe!
MOPSA
But what should we do now?
PAMELA
We should Live in the now now, and live in the future next!
Key change! As ensemble joins, a radiant Mopsa
and Pamela turn out and belt:
MOPSA AND PAMELA
CAN YOU SEE THEM?
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(overlapping, in a separate world)
CAN YOU SEE THEM?
MOPSA AND PAMELA
THEY TALK ABOUT US,
TELLING LIES -WELL, THATS NO SURPRISE.
CAN YOU SEE THEM?
SEE RIGHT THROUGH THEM -MUSIDORUS AND PHILOCLEA
SEE RIGHT THROUGH THEM -MOPSA AND PAMELA
THEY HAVE NO SHIELD,
NO SECRETS TO REVEAL!
MOPSA, PAMELA, MUSIDORUS,
PHILOCLEA, ENSEMBLE
IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT THEY SAY
IN THE JEALOUS GAMES PEOPLE PLAY -HE-EY!
Gynecia appears:
GYNECIA
Ill remain true to my true love.
MY LIPS ARE SEALED.
BASILIUS
I will remain true to myself.
MY LIPS ARE SEALED.
MOPSA, PAMELA, MUSIDORUS,
PHILOCLEA, BASILIUS, GYNECIA,
ENSEMBLE
OUR LIPS ARE -- HMMM!
Dametas enters and finds the two flags on the
floor. He picks them up and examines them.
Philanax sprints on and takes them away from
him.
End of Act One.
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ACT TWO
The Village of Interval
Breathless, Philanax takes center stage.
PHILANAX
Remember when I was narrating? That conceit faded away
effortlessly, didnt it? Fellow travelers, now in our story we will
pause in the Village of Interval, well past midway to our
destination. One flag remains to fall, and much implausibility
will be required to pull it down. Please feel free to rise and
stretch your legs and enjoy Act Two. Go and explore. And drink
and make water and buy souvenirs. And please meet at least
one stranger. I guarantee that theres someone in this theater -someone youve never met -- who is much more fun than
whoever you came with. Now go!
-- and this leads us to an intermission longer
than usual, but not so long that it feels long.
We will not announce that this is happening.
It should be a Surprise.
Its an intermission driven by the Disappearance
of the Stage Managers, and only when they are
found can we move on to Act Three.
Meanwhile all over the theater, different things
are happening to engage the audience at a level
of their choosing.
Its like a party. It is a party.
At the End of the Interval, Philanax takes center
stage.
PHILANAX (contd)
Ladies, gentlemen and those in-between, its nearly time. Please
take your seats.
Pamela has edged onstage and beams lovingly at
the audience.
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PHILANAX (contd)
Hello Amy Jo, do you need something?
PAMELA
(still beaming)
I know not this Amy Jo. I am in character now and cannot
imagine such a person.
PHILANAX
I beg your pardon, Pamela. Then Act Two is nigh?
PAMELA
Yes. The Stage Manager doth announce it on yon intercom.
PHILANAX
And why dost thou beam with such radiance?
PAMELA
I am grateful to live inside a comedy. I do feel for the wretched
souls who find their lot in tragedy, their sorrows repeated night
after night like an endless execution -- while the slavering
audience cries, More heads! We want more heads! In contrast
I bring nothing but pleasure and amusement to all, and my
audience just gets drunk.
PHILANAX
And where, most lovely Pamela, didst thou see our story
described as comedy?
PAMELA
Hearest thee not these very halls ring with laughter? Especially
for my lines.
PHILANAX
Check the Playbill. Our entertainment is not so advertised. And
tis the soul of tragedy that its characters -- like you: wellmeaning and oblivious -- watch in horror as Fortune turns its
wheel to sorrow, crushing them as though it never knew mercy.
PAMELA
An image horrifyingly drawn. But tis far too late to introduce
such tragickal devices.
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PHILANAX
Thy fault, dear Pamela, is that thou dividest the world into
comedy and tragedy -- while ignoring the third category of plays
in our rather indeterminate era: The Romance.
PAMELA
A Romance? To mine ears Romance doth sound as frolicsome
as its sister, comedy -PHILANAX
Aye, then tis a dark and brooding sister. For a Romance offers
grief to elevate the comickal and tragickal. Tis not one side of
the card or the other, but Both. A Romance might feature the
death of a beloved leading character.
PAMELA
Oh God in heaven I am doomed.
(puzzled)
Did you say THE beloved leading character or *A* beloved
leading character?
PHILANAX
*A* beloved leading character.
PAMELA
Then my chances of survival are greatly increased. Phew!
Violins begin to tune up, delicately.
A noisy electric guitar plays a few chords.
PHILANAX
Tis the orchestra faking a warm-up. We must transition.
PAMELA
As for comedy, we traverse that bridge -- etcetera.
(to the audience)
I hope the Clown did give nothing away.
They run offstage on either side.
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ACT THREE
*** MUSIC: Head Over Heels
The entire acting company rushes onstage.
Focus on Gynecia at center:
GYNECIA
BEEN RUNNING SO LONG,
I'VE NEARLY LOST ALL TRACK OF TIME!
IN EVERY DIRECTION
I COULDN'T SEE THE WARNING SIGNS.
I MUST BE LOSIN' IT
'CAUSE MY MIND PLAYS TRICKS ON ME!
IT LOOKS SO EASY -BUT WE KNOW LOOKS SOMETIMES DECEIVE -The company shifts, and Basilius magically
takes focus.
BASILIUS
BEEN RUNNING SO FAST,
RIGHT FROM THE STARTING LINE.
NO MORE PREDICTIONS -WHAT I NEED IS SOME ADVICE.
MY HAND IS REACHING OUT,
AND IM JUST HANGIN' ON -MY INFATUATION
JUST KEEPS GOING STRONG.
HEAD OVER HEELS
WHERE SHOULD I GO?
GYNECIA
CAN'T STOP MYSELF
OUT OF CONTROL!
BASILIUS
HEAD OVER HEELS
NO TIME TO THINK -BASILIUS (contd)
LOOKS LIKE
THE WHOLE WORLD'S OUT OF SYNC!
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Company members roll on a bathtub filled with

bubbles. Inside it are Pamela and Mopsa. Pamela
scrubs Mopsas back.
PAMELA
BEEN RUNNING SO HARD
WHEN WHAT WE NEED IS TO UNWIND!
MOPSA
THE VOICE OF REASON
IS ONE I LEFT SO FAR BEHIND!
Musidorus and Pamela enter, perhaps from the
trap.
MUSIDORUS
I'VE WAITED SO LONG
SO LONG TO PLAY THIS PART -PHILOCLEA
ALWAYS REMEMBER
THE BEATING OF MY HEART!
MUSIDORUS
HEAD OVER HEELS
WHERE SHOULD I GO?
PHILOCLEA
CAN'T STOP MYSELF
OUTTA CONTROL!
PAMELA
HEAD OVER HEELS,
NO TIME TO THINK!
MOPSA
LOOKS LIKE
Mopsa plugs her nose and syncs into the
bathtub, dropping out of sight. Pamela plunges
after her. Two servants rush in, pick up the
bathtub, turn it upside down and rush it
offstage.
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In the wild piano section, we see danced

pantomime of the love confusions that remain -featuring Basilius and Gynecia longing for
Musidorus.
When the piano finishes, Basilius and Gynecia
corner Musidorus, speaking in overlapping
rhythm:
BASILIUS
CLEOPHILA -HEARK, I HAVE A WORD TO SAY.
WEVE NOT KNOWN EACH
OTHER LONG
BUT YOU MOVE ME. MOVE!
CLEOPHILA, COME,
FOR LIFE IS AWFUL SHORT
I SHOULD ARTICULATE
MY FEELINGS --
GYNECIA
(...)
MY DEAR, WHERE ARE YOU?
WEVE NOT KNOWN EACH
OTHER LONG -(...)
DO BUT LISTEN.
WE SHOULD,
MY DEAR,
REALLY SPEND
MORE TIME TOGETHER.
They continue in rhythm as Musidorus looks

straight out at the audience, perplexed, singing
the chorus.
Musidorus, Basilius, Gynecia overlap while the
remaining company sings Ooh and Aah
behind:
BASILIUS
CLEOPHILA -HEARK, I HAVE A WORD TO SAY.
WEVE NOT KNOWN EACH
OTHER LONG
BUT YOU MOVE ME.
MOVE!
CLEOPHILA, COME,
THIS LETTER I DID WRITE
WHERE I
ARTICULATE:
GYNECIA (cont'd)
(...)
MY DEAR, WHERE ARE YOU?
WEVE NOT KNOWN EACH
OTHER LONG -(...)
DO BUT LISTEN.
WE SHOULD,
MY DEAR,
REALLY SPEND
MORE TIME TOGETHER.
MUSIDORUS
HEAD OVER HEELS -WHERE SHOULD I GO?
CANT STOP MYSELF -WEVE NOT KNOWN EACH OTHER LONG
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OUT OF CONTROL!
HEAD OVER HEELS
NO TIME TO THINK -LOOKS LIKE THE WHOLE WORLDS
OUT OF -BASILIUS
DO. READ. THIS. NOTE.
Basilius hands Musidorus a sealed letter. He
reads the inscription (without opening it), then
stares out, perplexed.
The rest of the company sings in an
arrangement sick and thick:
ALL BUT MUSIDORUS
HEAD OVER HEELS -WHERE SHOULD I GO?
CAN'T STOP MYSELF,
OUTTA CONTROL!
HEAD OVER HEELS,
NO TIME TO THINK.
LOOKS LIKE
Major finish! But we blast straight through to --
PHILOCLEAS TENT / VARIOUS LOCATIONS

Note: this series of short scenes will switch
locations rapidly.
Musidorus waves the letter at Philoclea.
MUSIDORUS
I believe my beauty hath bewitched thy father!
PHILOCLEA
How darst thou suggest a weakness in the bond twixt my
parents!
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MUSIDORUS
I know a suitor when one approaches, having played the role
myself!
PHILOCLEA
Yea, and with much timidity.
MUSIDORUS
He passed this letter to me with instructions most saucy: Only
she I love the most shall break its seal.
PHILOCLEA
Then leave it unmolested. Thy feminine vanities, to which thou
art but a novice, have made thee blind to reason. Thou art
hardly Pamela.
MUSIDORUS
(gasping)
I am a beauty unique unto myself. How darst thou -PHILOCLEA
My father doth intend this letter for my mother, she I love the
most, and to her thou shalt deliver it.
Musidorus turns and is with Gynecia.
MUSIDORUS
Charged am I to deliver this letter to thy hand, most madam,
though I do so with a heart that quavers.
GYNECIA
With a delighted dizziness do I receive thee! Quaver not, stout
heart. I shall examine thy letter now.
She tears open the letter and reads silently.
Basilius appears in a spotlight:
BASILIUS
My dearest one, forgive my anxious hand. Thou dost not
encourage my attentions, but I know thou art a shrewd
tactician. Thy presence hath laid bare the barren desert in my
heart. I see it now, and so request thy presence in the nearby
cave at twilight. Let us compare our intentions. I would proceed
further should they resemble mine.
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He vanishes. Gynecia lowers the letter, nodding

gravely.
GYNECIA
Await my written response.
Lights swiftly change as Musidorus returns to
Philoclea. He holds another letter -MUSIDORUS
... and thus she offers me this note with a most grave
inscription: Tis meant only for my truest love.
PHILOCLEA
Then deliver it unopened, posthaste to my father!
MUSIDORUS
But why dispatch the Amazon as courier? The pen-pals slumber
in the very same bed! I insist that both letters are designed for
me!
PHILOCLEA
Infidelity is a charge most grave -- which can only be followed
by a fierce show of pouting on the part of Philoclea. I thee
warn.
MUSIDORUS
Ah, then. Now that thou doth dangle such a threat, my
misgivings are replaced by curiosity. My part in this drama is no
longer one of my choosing, and Im the happier for it.
PHILOCLEA
First I will simply ASK them then.
With Philoclea and Gynecia.
GYNECIA
I am free of all infidelity! To even ASK such a question makes
me wonder whether I know you at all.
I knew it!
PHILOCLEA
(hugging her)
I love you, Mother.
With Philoclea and Basilius.
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Father?
PHILOCLEA (contd)
BASILIUS
Well -- when I was King, many female subjects made an offer to
hold my sceptre as it were. And then when I was King, and
now when I am not King, I have always honored the vow I made
to your mother when we wed. She is my only.
PHILOCLEA
You have kept true, and through your inaction I am saved! To
do nothing can be the right pursuit after all.
(hugging him)
I love you, Father.
She turns to Musidorus.
PHILOCLEA (contd)
My mind is unburdened. Go ahead.
Musidorus turns to Basilius.
MUSIDORUS
Letter came for you. Hope you like it.
Basilius snatches the letter from Musidorus as
the lights shift again.
He is alone, tearing the letter open.
BASILIUS
A letter from my beloved! O, all my future happiness hangs on
her reply.
Gynecia appears in a spotlight as Basilius reads:
GYNECIA
Dearest one, my love for thee is no longer a secret. Tis now a
truth shared between us both, and it emboldens me to tip my
hand, which I held close for fear of losing all. Now I must reveal
that I know thine own secret. I refer to that which swingeth
twixt thy legs, and tis no coin-purse but a sack of value
greater than currency. Twilight. The cave. I am there.
YES.
BASILIUS
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The stage plunges into blackness.
INSIDE THE CAVE
In the cave, various stalagmites rise from the

floor in a rather phallic manner.
MUSIC: I Get Weak
Underscore begins. Lit by spotlight, we see
Gynecia and Basilius groping toward each other
in the dark. They cant see a thing.
BASILIUS
Hark. Is it thee?
GYNECIA
Yes, beloved, tis the loving company of the rest of thy life!
BASILIUS
Thy voice doth lilt when divided from thy rugged lovely visage!
Oh let me touch thee, gentle maiden -And I thee!
GYNECIA
Gynecia embraces a stalagmite.
GYNECIA (contd)
Oh lover, I would draw thee a bath most moisturizing. Thy
SKIN -BASILIUS
Good lady I am here.
Ah.
GYNECIA
(She finds him, they embrace.)

A little less rugged, certainly. So stout and fleshy dost thou feel
here in the dark -- in all ways alluring, of course.
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BASILIUS
And unburdened from their confines, thy upper half below the
neck doth feel like two harvest cornucopias resting gainst my
chest.
GYNECIA
I lost the context somewhere round the middle of that
sentence. Love, let me fetch a light so I might gaze upon you.
BASILIUS
Should I feel thy gaze I may lose my courage.
(sings)
WHEN I'M WITH YOU
I SHAKE INSIDE.
MY HEART'S ALL TANGLED UP
MY TONGUE IS TIED.
IT'S CRAZY -GYNECIA
CAN'T WALK, CAN'T TALK, CAN'T EAT, CAN'T SLEEP
OH, I'M IN LOVE, OH I'M IN DEEP!
'CUZ BABY,
WITH A KISS YOU CAN STRIP ME DEFENSELESS!
BASILIUS
WITH A TOUCH I COMPLETELY LOSE CONTROL
ALL THAT'S LEFT OF MY STRENGTH IS A MEMORY
WHOA -GYNECIA
WHOA-O WHOA-O -I -GET WEAK WHEN I LOOK AT YOU,
WEAK WHEN WE TOUCH,
I CAN'T SPEAK WHEN I LOOK IN YOUR EYES!
BASILIUS
I -GET WEAK WHEN YOU'RE NEXT TO ME,
WEAK FROM THIS LOVE,
I GET WEAK.
They kiss, finally.
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BASILIUS (contd)
Let us doff our vestments!
GYNECIA
(as though rabid)
I GET WEAK!
And let us cast all shame aside!
During the next verse they remove their clothes
in a sort of clumsy, blind Elizabethan
striptease. Company members enter, carrying
large black bars (like old fashioned movie
censors) to hide the naughty bits.
BASILIUS
CONVINCING EYES, PERSUASIVE LIPS
THE HELPLESS HEART JUST CAN'T RESIST
THEIR POWER.
GYNECIA
YOU KNOW YOU'VE GOT A HOLD OVER ME
YOU KNOW YOU'VE GOT ME WHERE I WANT TO BE
OH LOVER --BASILIUS
LIKE A WAVE YOU KEEP PULLING ME UNDER!
GYNECIA
HOW I'LL EVER GET OUT OF THIS I DON'T KNOW,
I JUST KNOW THERE'S JUST NO WAY TO FIGHT IT!
WHOA -BASILIUS AND GYNECIA
WHOA-O WHOA-O
I -GET WEAK WHEN I LOOK AT YOU
WEAK WHEN WE TOUCH
I -GET WEAK WHEN YOU'RE NEXT TO ME
WEAK FROM THIS LOVE
I'M IN DEEP WHEN I LOOK IN YOUR EYES!
They embrace and lower clumsily to the ground.
More company members enter with the shields,
to hide their lovemaking --
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BASILIUS
(appearing briefly)
I GET WEAK!
He vanishes again. Then:
GYNECIA
(appearing briefly)
I GET WEAK!
BASILIUS
I -- I -- GET WEAK -GYNECIA
AAAAHHHH!
The music ends. The final Oracle flag falls from
the proscenium to the stage.
SUDDEN MAD TONAL SHIFT!
EXPLODE THE CONFETTI CANNONS!
The Oracle bursts onstage in exultation. She
has backup dancers. The lights go crazy.
ORACLE
(sings)
OOH, BABY, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S WORTH?
OOH HEAVEN IS A PLACE ON EARTH!
THEY SAY IN HEAVEN LOVE COMES FIRST
WE'LL MAKE HEAVEN A PLACE ON EARTH!
WHEN I FEEL ALONE
I REACH FOR YOU
AND YOU BRING ME HOME,
WHEN I'M LOST AT SEA
I HEAR YOUR VOICE
AND IT CARRIES ME.
IN THIS WORLD WE'RE JUST BEGINNING
TO UNDERSTAND THE MIRACLE OF LIVING
BABY I WAS AFRAID BEFORE
BUT I'M NOT AFRAID ANYMORE!
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OOH HEAVEN IS A PLACE ON EARTH
WE'LL MAKE HEAVEN A PLACE ON EARTH
Music out for a stanza! A capella clap-along!
ORACLE (contd)
OOH HEAVEN IS A PLACE ON EARTH
WE'LL MAKE HEAVEN A PLACE ON EARTH
OOH HEAVEIN IS A PLACE ON EARTH!
Riffing. Gigantic finish, and exit.
Philanax enters and takes the flag, carrying it
off. Dametas enters and jogs after him.
DAMETAS
Scoundrel, stop!
(to the audience)
Soon I should unmask the puzzle and solve the culprit. Do but
watch me!
10
PHILOCLEAS TENT
Musidorus bursts in and discovers Pamela and
Mopsa sitting with Philoclea. Pamela is dressed
in rather businesslike attire.
MUSIDORUS
Philoclea, in private I must tell thee what I only now did
witness, a spectacle MOST intriguing -PAMELA
You are tardy for our meeting, Cleophila. As secretary I did
already note your lateness and made space for thy concerns.
But now we must discuss an urgent matter.
MUSIDORUS
Philoclea, may we speak a moment --
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PAMELA
(bellowing)
As sergeant-at-arms I demand thee sit.
PHILOCLEA
Thou dost display a rigidity most unaccustomed.
PAMELA
I am learning, good Sister, that the path of ease may well lie in
a heavy diet of structure, order and rules.
(to Musidorus)
Thou wilt face a farthings fine should you not place your hind
on that seat posthaste.
Musidorus sits, impatient.
PAMELA (contd)
See? Order. Phew!
(launching in:)
Now. I possess the knowledge that this female foursome shares
in a unique predilection. So that we may guard against the rain
of judgment that may descend, and to advance the cause of
marriage for our kind, we must band together in defense of our
most unique and fulfilling brand of love. Was that well spoke,
Mopsa?
MOPSA
Yea, and most mellifluous besides.
PHILOCLEA
Of what love dost thou speak?
An Oh come on now take from Pamela.
PAMELA
Puhlease. Thou knowest that of which I imply sister, and while
thou may not know that I know I know you know so now you
know and we all know as well.
PHILOCLEA
I cannot follow -PAMELA
(aggressively patient)
Dost thou recall our beloved childhood nurse?
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PHILOCLEA
Oh yes -- if I mistake not she did migrate from the Grecian Isle
of Lesbos -- what was her name?
PAMELA
Labianna. And she had a most constant and female companion Areola!
PHILOCLEA
PAMELA
Yes, and together they invented that pastime: where with a
metal rod one doth pitch a tiny ball into a distant hole -PHILOCLEA
-- and with this sport invented, they moved to Scotland where
their game was widely celebrated. Yes, I do remember -PAMELA
Well, theirs was the first such predilection I encountered.
MOPSA
Oh Mistress, call it not a predilection -- call it love.
PAMELA
(hungrily, to Mopsa)
And no longer call me mistress -- but call me thy love.
They kiss, shocking Musidorus and Philoclea.
PAMELA (contd)
And so our kiss, heavy with tongue, doth reveal that of which I
speak. And thus emboldened, I declare that with Mopsa I have
consummated many dozens of times since our true natures
were revealed to one another. Consummated on most every
surface that we could, in fact.
They hold hands and nuzzle noses. They then
look at Philoclea and Musidorus, expectantly.
A moment.
So -- ?
PAMELA (contd)
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PHILOCLEA
I am discomfited, sweet sister; the world grows larger every mile
we travel. My mind doth turn upon itself. I look to thee to tell
me my own feelings, and Ill follow.
PAMELA
Uh huh. I offered thee a revelation, now its thy turn to reply in
kind, even though thy Big Surprise really isnt that, now is it?
Another moment. Musidorus removes his
insignificant Cleophilia headpiece (barely
changing his appearance at all).
Pamela and Mopsa rise, shocked.
MOPSA
Oh ye Gods of all religions!
PAMELA
She has been the deceitful Musidorus all this time! Oh sister -my love for Mopsa may raise controversy, but THY love -MOPSA
-- to someone well beneath your station -PAMELA
(hissing)
Speak not so loudly lest children hear and get corrupted!
(continuing)
-- such a love even I cannot support!
PHILOCLEA
Oh noisy hypocrite! Thy Mopsa is not far from Musidorus in
position!
PAMELA
Thou couldst still marry a prince!
PHILOCLEA
Oh NOW thou speakst as though I am forever BESIEGED by
princes -- I, Philoclea the Grievously Plain!
PAMELA
Quoting my words back at me doth hardly persuade.
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MOPSA
My love, let us away and consider our next move.
PAMELA
A smart proposal. Our brief time with the different-sexed couple
doth Pull My Lever. We sully our love by putting it on display;
let us keep it to ourselves forevermore.
MOPSA
Let us Process through it.
PAMELA
(grim warning, to Philoclea and Musidorus)
You saw nothing.
They exit.
PHILOCLEA
I have no words for all the strangeness.
MUSIDORUS
Twas a trifling strangeness compared to what I did just now
observe.
Do tell.
PHILOCLEA
MUSIDORUS
On a moonlit excursion, the better to purify my thoughts, I did
spy thy mother exiting the cave oer yonder.
PHILOCLEA
And so what of it?
MUSIDORUS
She did move in a manner most suspicious -- and to add to the
intrigue, thy father did follow her, though he departed many
minutes after.
PHILOCLEA
You mean -- ?
(Realizing.)
Just because they are AGED does not mean my parents do not
CONSUMMATE -- oh, please I must cleanse that image from my
mind. Rushing water, rushing water.
(MORE)
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PHILOCLEA (cont'd)
But tis an objective truth that even ones mother and father do
sometimes engage in -- yeccchh -She heaves, about to barf. After a moment she
gathers herself.
PHILOCLEA (cont'd)
However revolting their behavior I do swear twas kindled by a
rarefied and mutual love -- one that knows not time, for it doth
live in past and future all at once.
Basilius and Gynecia burst in, not noticing
Musidorus and Philoclea.
Their argument is red-hot.
GYNECIA
Thou SHALT NOT give thy back and stomp away!
Not after what thou didst to me confess!
(with feigned delight)
Do tell, hast she a NAME? This She-Mongrel,
This Harpy who dost shake thee in her teeth?
What loving epithet dost summon her?
BASILIUS
Twas honesty that led me to confess
My infidelity; and in reply
Thou dost unleash a FEMALE ARMAGEDDON.
I tremble! O I QUAKE at thy hysterics!
GYNECIA
(laughs bitterly)
Hysterics is it? Tis intriguing how
You redefine whats really standing here:
A Woman Standing Up to Your Control.
A moment.
BASILIUS
(does not clap)
Clap clap clap goes the audience of one!
Id STAND if I werent STANDING! Encore Yay!
Thy stiffened spine will aid in days ahead -Thy LONELY days ahead. Nay, I am sure
Thy copious charms will soon attract a lover.
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GYNECIA
The Oracle in you may prove redundant.
BASILIUS
(with airy condescension)
When tragedy doth strike, look not a gift
Horse in the mouth. At last youre free, without
The burden of Basilius. One day
Thou shalt forgive me in thy gratitude.
Gynecia begins toying with him.
GYNECIA
(airily to match)
Oh, I forgive thee. See? Now we are healed!
It is already piled upon the mountain of
Forgiving that I did so long construct.
(pretending to ponder)
If only somehow THOU couldst know the peace
Of Magnanimity; if only thou
Hadst reason to forgive me something. O,
But I am perfect.
(a feigned gasp of horror)
O, but wait.
O wait, I say. So quick thou does assume
That I am blameless; just as fast I could
Reverse thee.
BASILIUS
(temper rising)
I suggest that thou not try -GYNECIA
I heed thy wise suggestion, then, and keep
My secret to myself.
She gets as far away as possible, and dryly says:
Im in control.
GYNECIA (cont'd)
She exits, and a livid Basilius follows her.
Philoclea and Musidorus remain.
Philoclea is destroyed.
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Musidorus is really uncomfortable.

A moment.
MUSIDORUS
So whats for supper? I could eat a. Food.
She hangs, speechless and devastated.
He puts his arm around her, comforting.
PHILOCLEA
The Idols are all desecrated now.
And so our love be likewise under threat
In perpetuity.
MUSIDORUS
And under threat,
Our love will not relent.
PHILOCLEA
Nay, theres the trap.
By claiming knowledge of what is to come
Thou might as well say, Look, I captured love.
And tis imprisoned in this box. Take it.
Consider it a gift. From Pandora.
The word of love eludes all explanation,
Reversing definition even as
It is transcribed. Why seek to harness what
Will only evanesce? It is Illusion.
MUSIDORUS
Then how wouldst thou describe thy love for me?
PHILOCLEA
(emptily)
I love you, Musidorus.
Musidorus turns from her.
Say no more.
MUSIDORUS
PHILOCLEA
The stories are all told now. Nothings left
To be imagined.
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On Pamela and Mopsa.

PAMELA
Oh, that I could SING
About our love. With a vibrato wide
And palate lifted so it doth project
From shore to sea. Alas no one has writ
A score from which to sing.
MOPSA
So tis on US,
The music to compose.
PAMELA
(shaking her head)
I took a stab
At poetry, and I discovered that
The satisfactions of creative life
Came not from making Art, but thinking one
Might get around to it some day.
MOPSA
But hold -Thou wouldst delay Loves revelation?

Youd rather dodge the question?
No one asked!
PAMELA
MOPSA
We told your sister and the shepherd boy
In no uncertain terms.
PAMELA
Uncertainly
Did they respond; didst thou not notice them?
Imagine THAT but multiplied by evry day
we live, in constant contradiction of
What others doth presume. To break new ground
Is not my interest.
MOPSA
So if with Love
Deceit begins, weve set the boundaries wide.
(MORE)
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MOPSA (cont'd)
I know not how I then could trust in thee,
So blithely dost thou sacrifice the truth.
I searched and found, and may the search resume.
PAMELA
And now who ist dost sacrifice our baby?
(sings:)
OH -- I THINK I BETTER GO.
MOPSA
Into the wilderness? Take a sword.
PAMELA
NO -- DONT SEE ME TO THE DOOR.
MOPSA
Its a FLAP, by the way, not a door.
PAMELA
YOU KISS MY MOUTH, YOU TOUCH MY HAIR -ACTING LIKE YOU CARE!
YOURE SO INSINCERE!
AND IT NEVER EVER CHANGES ANYTHING.
ITS OBVIOUS AND CLEAR
THAT WHAT WE MEAN IS NOTHING.
On Musidorus and Philoclea:
PHILOCLEA
OH, YOU THINK I AM A FAKE.
YEAH, WERE MAKING A MISTAKE.
MUSIDORUS
GUESS I WAS WEAK IT WORKED FOR A WHILE
EVERY TIME YOU SMILED.
PHILOCLEA
YOU'RE SO INSINCERE
BUT IT NEVER EVER CHANGES ANYTHING
MUSIDORUS
IT'S OBVIOUS AND CLEAR
THAT WHAT WE MEAN IS NOTHING.
As our stories have blended, so do our songs:
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GYNECIA
ALWAYS TRYIN' TO CLEAN UP YOUR CATASTROPHES,
TAKING ALL RESPONSIBILITY.
GO LIVE YOUR LIFE LIKE EVERY DAY IS THE LAST,
REMODELING THE WRECKAGE OF YOUR PAST.
SO WHEN IT COMES TO YOU
I KNOW I SAID I DO
BUT I DON'T -BASILIUS
THEN YOU DON'T!
YOU'RE UNFORGIVEN SO GO ON LIVING,
KNOWING THAT I'VE UNFORGIVEN YOU!
GYNECIA
AND MY THANKSGIVING
CAME TODAY, I FINLLY FOUND A WAY
TO UNFORGIVE YOU!
I swear thee this, Basilius: another in our marriage has found
fresh love.
BASILIUS
What sayest thou here?
GYNECIA
The wife hath found a groom far better suited. He ignites in her
a passion greater than she knew her heart could hold.
BASILIUS
Thy love thou hast consummated, then?
GYNECIA
He did unearth a repertory of feelings long neglected, and
carried them to shore. No dutiful appointment was our
coupling, but a feral animal passion. Oh yes.
BASILIUS
CONFESSING EVERY SIN DOESN'T MAKE YOU A SAINT.
PAMELA
OH -- I SAID IM GONNA GO!
BASILIUS
LOOK AT YOU, IT'S OBVIOUS YOU CHANGED.
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MOPSA
GO! ILL SEE YOU TO THE DOOR!
BASILIUS
YOU WILL NOT FORGIVE ME SO I WILL NOT FORGET.
MUSIDORUS
OH, YOU THINK THAT IM A FAKE?
BASILIUS
YOURE TAKING BACK EVERYTHING YOU SAID.
PHILOCLEA
YEAH, WERE MAKING A MISTAKE.
GYNECIA
AND WHEN IT COMES TO YOU -BASILIUS
WHEN IT COMES TO YOU -GYNECIA
I KNOW I SAID I DO -I SAID --
MUSIDORUS
[And we continue to blend Unforgiven and
Insincere in Carmels marvelous mash-up.
Meanwhile, your Author will not transcribe the
rest for now. You will have pages, he promises.]
Philanax enters. Fabric is draped over his arm.
PHILANAX
My Lord, a close inspection of my map -(he examines the palm of his hand, as though
he scrawled it there)
-- yes, it leads me to reckon we should reach Bohemia
soonish, if I may borrow the old navigators term. Indeed,
Bohemias very towers do sprout from the horizon; her silvery
music blingles shm -Basilius gasps!
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BASILIUS
(pointing a shaking hand at the flags)
Hold! But stay -- what horror in thy arms dost thou convey?
PHILANAX
These auld things? Just these FLAGS that keep DROPPING
every now and then. I may weave them into a funeral garment;
they suggest a sadness without end. And yet so lovely in their
craftsmanship -- here, look.
(he lays them out, as if doing a childhood
rhyme)
One flag, two flags, three flags, four -BASILIUS
WORSE AND WORSE AND WORSE AND WORSE
PHILANAX
-- and now the Fool sneaks out the door.
He exits.
Basilius looks up at the empty proscenium.
BASILIUS
(woefully:)
I was so distracted I never even thought to CHECK up there -and horrors -- doth this mean that all the prophecies have
come to pass?
(he reverses into rage)
I MUST KNOW HOW! Dametas!
Dametas appears meekly from where hes been
watching.
You bellowed?
DAMETAS
BASILIUS
Guard Of My Daughters Innocence -- thy bumbling and neglect
cost me the game!
Dametas falls to his knee.
DAMETAS
In deference loyal to you I agree,
Milord;
(MORE)
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DAMETAS (cont'd)
but I am honest too, and thus
I cannot say that I acted alone.
A conspirator doth stand inside your shoes.
Basilius spits on him.
BASILIUS
I strip you of all titles, servant. I coronate I, Basilius, As My
Adviser Most Trusted!
(realization: and better yet! Shouting to the
sky:)
And I REJECT thy divination, Oracle. No adultery did I commit
with Gynecia. The adultry that I DID commit, however, twas -Musidorus enters, watching, followed by
Philoclea.
BASILIUS (contd)
Twas with HER! There she is, the object of my Love!
(bellowing)
I WIN THE GAME, ORACLE. I fornicated with a woman who is
NOT my wife!! Take THAT, Ha. Ha. Hahahaha.
Philoclea suddenly commands the stage.
PHILOCLEA
I command thee STOP thy exultation!
BASILIUS
(turning on Philoclea)
Stranger, check thyself. No reversals can you spring upon me
now. REVERSE ME. Try it. Try it.
PHILOCLEA
And watch the game careen again?
(she considers)
Nay, Ill let it wane.
BASILIUS
Theres the daughter I know. Hahahahahaha.
PHILOCLEA
What value hath the Good Girl? I cannot escape her.
(wearily)
I give thee leave to reveal thyself, Musidorus. Tis not on me to
decide.
(MORE)
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Oops.
PHILOCLEA (cont'd)
(a moment)
WHAA --
BASILIUS
(a moment)
WHAAAAA -Gynecia enters as Musidorus removes his
insignificant Cleophilia headpiece.
Gasps from the appropriate parties. A minor
pandemonium at this reversal.
BASILIUS (contd)
(catatonic in shock)
O prevaricating shepherd -(stalking Philoclea)
DAUGHTER. The wretched love the peasant bears, dost thou
return it? Even though twas what I did forbid?
PHILOCLEA
Love from your mouth, Father, is an epithet.
I am unburdened of propriety.
BASILIUS
So I assume thy answer is
PHILOCLEA
SHUT UP.
Basilius stops himself, awed and terrified, as
though Philoclea has gained supernatural
powers.
PHILOCLEA (contd)
I wanna be, like, real with all of you, okay?
You asked me if I like, love Musidorus?
We had like, our first fight today.
I was gonna say no
Cause I kind of wanna punish him.
I still wanna punish him a bit.
But if I think about it?
And if I like, FEEL about it?
Yeah.
(MORE)
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PHILOCLEA (contd)
I love him.
Totally.
For as long as he hangs around,
Ill keep an eye on the way I love him.
Because youve gotta take care of love, you know?
Youve got to help it, like anything living that you care about.
Anything thats in your care?
Love is never done.
If love stops reversing,
It isnt love any more.
Its just, like, control or something.
Yeah.
Im not done with him.
He feels passion about stuff.
And when Im around him I feel like Im meeting myself.
Like he introduced me to myself.
And I love her too,
A selfish kind of love
That lets me be the Good Girl
Who Does Whats Best for Everyone.
She kisses Musidorus.
SONG: Lust To Love
The accompaniment and vocals enter lightly,
with the simplicity of a nursery rhyme, slowly
building to a dark fury.
BASILIUS
IT USED TO BE THE FUN WAS IN
THE CAPTURE AND KILL.
IN ANOTHER PLACE AND TIME,
I DID IT ALL FOR THRILLS.
I WOULD NEVER LEAVE YOU
I TOLD YOU AT THE START.
I HAD NO IDEA THAT YOU
WOULD TEAR MY WORLD APART!
Music rises as Basilius picks stalks a confused
Musidorus.
MUSIDORUS
My Lord, what are you doing?
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BASILIUS
AND YOU'RE THE ONE TO BLAME
I USED TO KNOW MY NAME
BUT I'VE LOST CONTROL OF THE GAME.
Dad, stop!
MOTHER!
PHILOCLEA
(calling)
BASILIUS
'CAUSE EVEN THOUGH I SET THE RULES
YOU'VE GOT ME ACTING LIKE A FOOL!
WHEN I SEE YOU I LOSE MY COOL.
Musidorus takes up a sword in defense, and they
parry.
BASILIUS (contd)
LUST TO LOVE
WAS THE LAST THING I WAS DREAMING OF!
AND ALL I WANTED WAS JUST TO LOVE
LUST IS TURNED TO LOVE!
The battle quickly becomes brutal. At the
battles height, Musidorus throws dirt into
Basiliuss eyes, blinding him. Basilius swings
his sword wildly.
BASILIUS (contd)
LUST TO LOVE
WAS THE LAST THING I WAS DREAMING OF!
AND ALL I WANTED WAS JUST -Basilius plunges his sword through Musidoruss
chest.
The music drops out. A moment. Basilius
withdraws the sword and drops it, his chest
heaving. Musidorus crumples to the ground.
MUSIDORUS
I am no more and am Everything.
He looks at Philoclea, then collapses, not
breathing.
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There is no doubt that he is dead.

Philoclea faints. Gynecia goes to her.
GYNECIA
Foul, foulest villain!
BASILIUS
(gasping for breath, to Dametas)
Remove his body, servant. Throw it in the lake. The Oracle is
proven false. For I committed no adultery with Gynecia.
(stops, looking at Musidorus)
But nor did I with him. Of that I am most certain.
He looks at Gynecia a moment.
They lock eyes. She hesitantly sings, a capella:
I -- -- --
GYNECIA
A moment.
I -- -- --
BASILIUS

(a wan rendition; they cant match their key;
its awful)
-- GET WEAK WHEN I LOOK AT YOU,
WEAK WHEN WE TOUCH,
I GET WEAK WHEN I LOOK IN YOUR EYES -They stop.
GYNECIA
You murdered him, Basilius.
BASILIUS
I dare not wake from this. I know not who I am.
With this Reversal, the Universe opens up for
Gynecia, who becomes a Channel, wide open for
all Revelations.
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GYNECIA
(In Twilight, All is Possible, She is Grateful to
the Universe For She Knows She Is It And So
Are All Things; She Gently Marvels)
But of a sudden, I am now released.
(Revelation Is Coming ...)
For now I know who *I* am -(The First Revelation; She Is Cast From
Twilight To the NOW -- And Now Is Twilight.)
Contradiction.
(Back in Now, She Remembers the Plight Of
Her Old Oneness, Who is Trapped in Twilight
Only; She Misses Being One But Cannot
Include This Version of Basilius; She Will
Tell Their Story So She Can Then Reverse
The Tale and Become One Again; Each
Moment Lives In The Revelation Of It)
Remember, Love, when our Love was alive?
We reveled in our differences; we were
A Marriage of them. But Fear crept up,
Unnoticed, and divided Us. In thee
It crowned itself Adviser Trusted Most;
Seducing thee with This Philosophy:
The Universe is But What Can be Measured.
You make a Math of this morality,
And treasure only Fixed Quality:
Controllable. Unchanging. Ordered. Male.
When Contradiction questions, War replies,
For Fear doth seek its own Annihilation.
Fears Epigraph doth offer up this Epigram:
A Fearless life -(would be beautiful. No, Reversal!)
Doth tend to end in haste.
We need our Kings! Our Rules! Our Currency!
The World of Fear is of the World, and is
Not all the Universe --.
(More Urgent Revelation!)
We must Include
ANOTHER MATHEMATICS -- The Reversals,
Where PLAY doth mitigate and heal all conflict.
Tis an Intelligence of equal force;
Disordered; Fluid; Passionate; And Tricky.
If there be Love then THERE it doth reside.
(The Final Revelation!)
The moment Now is made when Two collide.
(MORE)
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GYNECIA (cont'd)
Tis Two Maths that create the Universe:
One of Order and the other of Reversals.
(She Chooses Her Spiritual Path:)
I shall embrace them Both so I may Play,
And be forever new. I choose to live
On knife-point, on the moment of Creation.
And what is the reversal of Creation?
(The Channel Closes a Bit As She Remembers
Her Given Circumstance)
Basilius.
(She Chooses The First Action She Will Take
On Her Spiritual Path:)
Tis you I cant include.
Not Now. And I choose to Move Forward:
Ill Wonder at the Endless Nows Unfolding;
(Reversal back to our Situation in the Now;
the Channel is Almost Closed)
Ill Suffer in my Given Circumstance.
(She is Gynecia Now and Now She is Reborn;
Basilius Will Only Rejoin Her If He Faces The
Consequences; To Help Him Would Hurt Him
In His Current State; Take Charge!)
Take him in thy custody, Dametas. We will bury Musidorus
here where he did fall. Today we shall remember him.
Two undertakers enter, carrying the body on a
primitive litter. Its covered by a sheet.
Gynecia and Philoclea lead a round of sobs.
Philanax enters, seeing all. He lifts the sheet to
examine the body, then sadly replaces it.
PHILANAX
One must let the story find its ending. I could not intervene.
So he is dead.
PHILOCLEA
PHILANAX
Yes, milady. Gaze not upon his face, for he is not he. Let us
remember Musidorus as he lived.
A moment.
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PHILOCLEA
I must see for myself. I must have complete knowledge of
Everything.
She goes to the cover and lifts it. We see her
seeing his face.
Hers crumples in horror. She replaces the sheet
carefully.
She rests a hand on Musidoruss chest.
PHILOCLEA (contd)
O in thy bellows
No wind doth move.
She looks toward Basilius, who has been
restrained by Dametas.
PHILOCLEA (contd)
Dad?
I dont want to say this to you.
But if I dont
Im punishing myself.
(A moment.)
I forgive you, Dad.
Thats it.
Cause I dont want to become you.
I hafta feel my feelings
Fully
So they then can evanesce
And blow away
And make room.
MUSIC: Here You Are

PHILOCLEA (contd)
(sings)
SUCH A HARD LIFE LESSON -- YEAH, ITS STRANGE.
ALL OUR BEST -LAID PLANS WERE REARRANGED.
YOU SHOULD BE HERE WITH ME
TO SEE THE SEASONS CHANGE --
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IM CLOSER THAN YOU KNOW,

BUT NEVER FELT SO FAR.
WHEREVER I MAY GO,
HERE YOU ARE -HERE YOU ARE.
GUESS YOURE RIGHT, WE SHOULDA RUN AWAY.
WE HAD SO MANY THINGS TO DO AND SAY.
BUT YOURE A PART OF ME,
SO ILL SHOW YOU WHAT I SEE -IM CLOSER THAN YOU KNOW,
NO MATTER WHERE WE GO
HERE WE ARE -HERE WE ARE.
GYNECIA
THE LOVE YOU SEEK -GYNECIA AND PAMELA
THE LOVE YOU OWN -PAMELA
IS IT SO FLEETING?
PAMELA AND MOPSA
ARE WE REALLY ALL JUST ALONE?
PHILOCLEA
THIS MOMENT IN SPACE AND TIME
IS ALL THAT WE CAN KNOW -The Sisters enter, leading the funeral. The body
lowers majestically into the trap. The Sisters
throw flower petals after it.
Its a beautiful burial -- the entire ensemble
sings in gorgeous chorus -- we sense seasons
changing, time passing -ALL
WERE CLOSER THAN YOU KNOW,
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HERE YOU ARE -WERE CLOSER THAN YOU KNOW,

HERE YOU ARE -HERE YOU ARE,
HERE YOU ARE,
(IN MY HEART, IN MY HEART)
HERE YOU ARE.
On the final note, one of the Sisters takes
Philocleas head and rests it gently on her
breast.
The heartbeat/bass line of Mad About You
plays softly. Slowly, Philoclea withdraws and
lifts the Sisters veil -Musidorus yanks the veil off of his head,
shocking Philoclea.
PHILOCLEA
But HOW? You live! Musidorus, thou art alive!
The crowd exults, except for Basilius.
I am, milady.
MUSIDORUS
PHILOCLEA
But it cannot be possible -MUSIDORUS
Im certain of it. I have the script right here.
(he withdraws a script from the back of his
pants)
On page 112 it doth declare, Musidorus yanks the veil off of
his head, shocking Philoclea. Should we go back to that point
and resume as though this moment never happened?
PHILOCLEA
Nay, nay, move not up the page but down. I only need an
explanation.
Oh.
MUSIDORUS
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PHILOCLEA
Anything REMOTELY plausible -MUSIDORUS
(improvising)
Then heres the truth: the King thrust his sword right here
beneath my armpit. And because I spent many an hour acting
on the rural stage, I consider myself an Authority in Fake Dying
But In a Realistic Way.
PHILOCLEA
But it was thee under the sheet, who was buried -- twas thee,
of that Im certain! I saw with my own eyes!
MUSIDORUS
No, milady -- that was Page 110. Its Page 113 now.
PHILOCLEA
Oh, thats sensible.
BASILIUS
And is my crime expunged in that thy script?
MUSIDORUS
Um, let me check -Philanax zooms by and whisks the script away
from him.
PHILANAX
Im terribly sorry but No, it looks like you have work to do.
He hands the script to a Sister, who unveils
herself: the Oracle.
She does a little dance, singing.
ORACLE
Oh oh oh yeah, oh oh oh yeah -- In the future this is called a
Victory Dance. Oh and heres a little pointer for next time: if
youd given me TWO bags of gold, I wouldve told you the whole
ending.
DAMETAS
Pardon me -- Ive been following the story as close as I can, and
Im rather certain that theres one more prophecy.
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Two more Sisters unveil themselves: Pamela and

Mopsa.
PAMELA
Um, FYI, we have some information we need to share. I must
invent a phrase for there is no language. Were coming -- out -of the -Fishing ...
-- chamberpot.
Closet!
PAMELA (contd)
MOPSA
PAMELA
Closet, yes! Im Coming out of the -- no, that makes no
sense EITHER -(giving up)
Me and Mopsa got engaged. We almost split up but then we
Came Together, if you get what Im saying.
MOPSA
Yup. And itd be great have your blessing and all, but if youre
not feeling it, well, weve already processed PAST that, so -mmm hmm.
Silence. Everyone is either preoccupied or not
impressed.
PAMELA
Well that was easier than I feared.
PHILOCLEA
What is constant always is my love for you.
PAMELA
And mine for you, my most precious, my only sister.
DAMETAS
So, ahem -- I risk tiresomeness with this observation, but -(piecing it through carefully)
(MORE)
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DAMETAS (cont'd)
This BODY that isnt HIM goes down into the floor, and
EVERYBODY SAW IT including -(giving a subtle gesture to the Audience)
-- Them.
UNDERTAKER 1
Blargh!
A simple explanation, tis. That corpse?
In life he was a local Critic of
Dramatic Stage.
UNDERTAKER 2
Yargh!
Toward Potters Field
We did convey his carcass, til you lot
Did kidnap him. In life his name was Charlie
McNulty.
UNDERTAKER 1
Plargh!
A sneery nanny of
A critic! Always spoiling the Surprise!
I go and see a show because I love
Reversals -- But He Gives Them All Away!
UNDERTAKER 2
(to the corpse)
To tell me -- Snargh! -- the Tale Ends Happily
Deprives Me of The Pleasure of The Journey.
UNDERTAKER 1
He wrote down -- Quargh! -- for All to see that my
Aunt Pat was but A Homely Porker Who
Believes That Shes An Ingenue. We found
Her swinging from a rafter the next day.
UNDERTAKER 2
A wretched, mean profession -- Flargh! -- is that
Of Drama Critic. I would Pity Him;
But He is Dead so I just Go On With
My Life.
UNDERTAKER 1
The Constable said -- Largh! -- He Moved Into
The Universe Whilst He -- How to put it?
He Croaked Whilst He -- I seek the term --
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UNDERTAKER 2
(excited to tell the story)
-- He Passed Away Whilst He Did Pinch a Loaf.
UNDERTAKER 1
But -- Nargh! -- the Constable told ME that He
Was Busy Polishing The Peppermill!
Theyre both Triggered.
A LOAF!
UNDERTAKER 2
(hotly)
UNDERTAKER 1
(hotly)
THE PEPPERMILL!
A long moment. Then discovery!
UNDERTAKER 1 AND UNDERTAKER 2
INCLUDE THEM BOTH!
(hugging each other)
YARRRGGGHH ARRRGHH MNLAARRGGH!
When they are done reuniting:
PAMELA
We only needed a convincing explanation. And -She gestures: You rather gave us a Show.
MUSIDORUS
(pointing at the grave)
He didst review me sweetly, once. For that I cannot hate him.
UNDERTAKER 1
BGargh, the Constable gave us a Task
And were Diligent, for Undertakers.
UNDERTAKER 2
So how do we -- ahem -- reclaim the corpse
Back from that trapdoor thingy that went through
The floor down there during the Sad Song?
(A moment. He must finish the meter.
(MORE)
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Yargh.
UNDERTAKER 2 (cont'd)
Softly, to himself, only for the Authors
benefit:)
MUSIDORUS
Ah yes, I descended there on Page 36. Ill direct you -(pointing off)
You go through the greenroom past the coffee maker, turn left
and down the flight of stairs -- if you get lost, just ask one of
the actors from (the show thats running in the Bowmer).
Basilius raises his hand.
GYNECIA
The captive wishes for a word.
MUSIDORUS
Then let him speak. I say this as the one he killed, so.
(helping Basilius up)
Youre cool. Im over it.
BASILIUS
(to Philoclea and Musidorus)
I only bear gifts, because I spent all of my misery. I give my
blessings on your union, Daughter and New Son -(to Pamela and Mopsa)
-- and blessings on yours, Daughter and New Daughter. May
you keep your loves forever tended. And not two couples are
here blessed, but three -- two now united in young love, and
one with a love -He looks at Gynecia.
-- renewed?
BASILIUS (cont'd)
GYNECIA
How can I know that you mean well, Basilius, underneath
Everything?
BASILIUS
Youll only know it from the actions that I take. Believe not a
word I say about myself.
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I never did.
GYNECIA
(forgiveness)
They kiss, and kiss --
PHILANAX
Ahem. Eyes on me, people. I fear that now I must leave your
company, for if I tarry longer I should lose the name of
vagabond.
Certainly, no!
PHILOCLEA
PAMELA
Where would you go?
PHILANAX
(shrugs)
I must risk just that of which I am uncertain. Tis writ in my
nature that I treasure most what I leave behind, for only then
can I perceive its gorgeousness.
PAMELA
But tarry just awhile longer -PHILANAX
I will clown for you a few days more and then suddenly: as at a
party, the polite guest does not bother with the burdens of
goodbye.
Basilius turns from Gynecia, resolute:
*** MUSIC: Apology
BASILIUS
(clearing his throat)
Lest I seem a facile man, I must extend apology. That Im at my
happiest in no way justifies my actions -PHILANAX
Yet none were harmed so just be grateful for them.
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BASILIUS
Deny me not the chance to say -(struggling)
I was wh. I was wrrrn.
(sings)
WE WILL FIND A WAY TO MOVE ON.
DISCONTENT HAS HAD ITS DAY,
THE PRESSURES GONE.
IF YOU ASK ME TO DESCRIBE
WHAT I COULD WANT WITH ALL I'VE GOT,
I'D SAY OUR DAYS TOGETHER,
INSTEAD OF ALL THE QUESTION MARKS!
(to Gynecia)
'CAUSE WHEN I FOUND YOU
I THOUGHT MY LIFE WAS CHARMED
AND WE'D BE SAFE FROM WHAT
HAS HAPPENED NOW.
ITS HAPPENED NOW.
BASILIUS
(to Philoclea and Musidorus)
APOLOGY: I'M SORRY!
(to Gynecia)
APOLOGY: IM SORRY!
(to all:)
APOLOGY: I'M SORRY BUT I HAVE NO REGRETS.
PHILOCLEA
I feel Ive earned the next verse.
MUSIDORUS
I wouldnt disagree.
PHILOCLEA
(sings)
CAN I TAKE MY ANGRY WORDS BACK TODAY?
SO TONIGHT ALL THE PAIN WILL BE FAR AWAY.
SOMETIMES ILL SEEM CARELESS,
MY MOODS WILL CHANGE LIKE THE WEATHER,
SO I ASK YOUR FORGIVENESS
WHILE I PULL MYSELF TOGETHER!
IN THE MEANTIME
I LIVE I WORK I WAIT I HOPE
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I STILL HAVE FAITH

THAT WHAT WAS MINE CAN STILL BE MINE.
APOLOGY?
MUSIDORUS
PHILOCLEA
I'M SORRY! APOLOGY?
MUSIDORUS
OOOH, I'M SORRY!
Apology --
ALL

WERE SORRY BUT WE HAVE NO REGRETS.
PAMELA
(taking Mopsa)
Tis my turn to humble myself! Take it up a key!
(to Mopsa)
IN THE MEANTIME
I LIVE I WORK I WAIT I HOPE
I STILL HAVE FAITH
THAT WHAT WAS MINE CAN STILL BE MINE!
APOLOGY?
I'M SORRY!
APOLOGY?
Why not?
I'M SORRY!
MOPSA AND PHILANAX

PAMELA
PAMELA AND PHILANAX
MOPSA
ALL
(variously)
APOLOGY!
I'M SORRY BUT I HAVE NO REGRETS
(YOU'LL BE SORRY
I'LL BE SORRY
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EVERYBODY WILL BE SORRY)

IM SORRY!
I HAVE NO REGRETS!
(YOU'LL BE SORRY
I'LL BE SORRY
EVERYBODY WILL BE SORRY)
I HAVE NO REGRETS!
Before the music ends, Philanax turns and
addresses the audience.
PHILANAX
And so the happy travelers arrived in Bohemia!
The music ends, unresolved.
BASILIUS
Dastardly Fool, we have landed in Arcadia. Thou hast led us in
a lengthy circle!
PHILANAX
No circle this, for to draw a circle you must return the line to
its starting point. Who among you now resembles the Fools
who took up this folly?
BASILIUS
I give thee that, wise Fool. Now wheres my crown?
Improvising freely, he retrieves the crown from
the audience member.
BASILIUS (contd)
With my powers restored, I now rechristen our city as Bohemia!
Game over!
Cheers!
MUSIC: WE GOT THE BEAT
BASILIUS (contd)
Let us not take the old world for granted, but forever discover it
anew!
Like tourists, the group oohs and aahs over
the townspeople they see.
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PAMELA
SEE THE PEOPLE WALKING DOWN THE STREET!
FALL IN LINE JUST WATCHING ALL THEIR FEET,
THEY DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY WANNA GO
BUT THEY'RE WALKING IN TIME -THEY GOT THE BEAT!
MOPSA AND PAMELA
THEY GOT THE BEAT
THEY GOT THE BEAT, YEAH
THEY GOT THE BEAT!
PHILOCLEA
SEE THE KIDS JUST GETTING OUT OF SCHOOL!
THEY CAN'T WAIT TO HANG OUT AND BE COOL.
HANG AROUND 'TIL QUARTER AFTER TWELVE
THAT'S WHEN THEY FALL IN LINE!
PHILOCLEA, MOPSA, PAMELA
THEY GOT THE BEAT,
THEY GOT THE BEAT,
KIDS GOT THE BEAT, YEAH
KIDS GOT THE BEAT!
Soul Train dance break! Equally shared between
the gifted dancers of the chorus and the perhaps
less able principals.
When its done:
GYNECIA
GO-GO MUSIC REALLY MAKES US DANCE!
BASILIUS
DOIN THE PONY PUTS US IN A TRANCE!
DAMETAS
DO THE WATUSI, JUST GIVE US A CHANCE -ALL
THAT'S WHEN WE FALL IN LINE!
'CAUSE WE GOT THE BEAT
WE GOT THE BEAT
WE GOT THE BEAT, YEAH
WE GOT IT!!
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The performers take on the audience.

ALL (contd)
WE GOT THE BEAT!
WE GOT THE BEAT!
WE GOT THE BEAT!
PHILOCLEA
EVERYBODY GET ON YOUR FEET!
ALL
WE GOT THE BEAT!
PAMELA
WE KNOW YOU CAN DANCE TO THE BEAT!
ALL
WE GOT THE BEAT!
JUMPIN'!
GYNECIA
BASILIUS
GET DOWN!
ALL
WE GOT THE BEAT,
ROUND AND ROUND AND ROUND!
WHOOO!
Philanax steps forward. Magical underscoring.
The other actors, one by one, hand him back the
cards they were given at the beginning.
PHILANAX
Here our journeys all have ended,
Hearts were broken, hearts were mended.
Yet I dare not call the evening done.
Like you, we actors greet the night,
No roof guards any gainst the coming light.
This canopy of Stars will soon submit to Sun.
With gratitude for your kind favor,
Let us for a moment savor
The evanescent memry of our fun -When a thousand-odd imaginations
Joined up like they started: One.
(MORE)
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PHILANAX (cont'd)
(re: the cards)
And this our script?
It never will be done,
When Forward meets Reversal,
Here We Are Right Now,
And Now wants no rehearsal.
Now lives while its written
But too it lives in memry:
The evanescent memry of our fun.
Somehow it just does that.
I stopped asking Why a long time ago.
For my brain is far too small
And much too busy.
The deck is now a unified whole.
PHILANAX (cont'd)
We mean well, every single one of us. We simply do. Reverse
anyone who tells you otherwise.
The music returns.
ALL
WE GOT THE BEAT!
(WE GOT THE BEAT)
(WE GOT THE BEAT)
(WE GOT THE BEAT)
(WE GOT THE BEAT)
WE GOT THE BEAT!

WE GOT THE BEAT!
WE GOT THE BEAT!
--
Philanax throws the deck of cards into the

audience.
ALL (contd)
NOW GET UP AND GO!
And Reverse.

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What is the musical about?

What is the musical about?

What characters are mentioned in the musical?

What characters are mentioned in the musical?

Head

And One Surprise.

Head Over Heels

That his clothes may be careworn does not

When the improvised moment is over, Mr. Tufts

An explosion of drums as the play begins.

SCENE ONE -- THE ORACLE

Two torches come alight, carried by Basilius and

(collecting himself, smilingly approaching her)

YOU NEVER FELT SO FAR.

SCENE TWO -- THE KINGS CASTLE IN ARCADIA

AND IF YOU THINK IM SEEING

On fine Pamela joins in, singing over the

We hear, faintly, the bass line of Mad About

They surround Basilius, covering him in kisses.

Musidorus bursts in from the opposite side,

*** MUSIC: MAD ABOUT YOU

The band continues as Musidorus catches up

SECOND STAGE MANAGER

ALONG THE ROADWAY

Nay -- nay -(collecting herself)

Blaring trumpets interrupt her as Gynecia

PHILOCLEA AND PAMELA

IT'S AN AUTOMATIC RAINY DAY

MOPSA AND PAMELA

A CLEARING IN THE FOREST

He takes the note, and reads:

Let him die,

THE CLEARING - NEXT MORNING

She buttons the speech with a meaningful gaze

BASILIUS AND GYNECIA

Behind Musidorus a bear emerges from the

THE CAMP, OUTSIDE THE TENTS

BASILIUS AND GYNECIA

Clap! Clap! They break apart and face the

*** MUSIC: HOW MUCH MORE

JUST LIKE SHE WOULD

He puts her hand on his chest. The orchestra

MUSIDORUS AND PHILOCLEA

MUSIDORUS AND PHILOCLEA

MUSIDORUS AND PHILOCLEA

Pamela enters with an enormous bouquet of

MUSIDORUS AND PHILOCLEA

Company members roll on a bathtub filled with

In the wild piano section, we see danced

They continue in rhythm as Musidorus looks

PHILOCLEAS TENT / VARIOUS LOCATIONS

He vanishes. Gynecia lowers the letter, nodding

The stage plunges into blackness.

INSIDE THE CAVE

In the cave, various stalagmites rise from the

(She finds him, they embrace.)

OOH, BABY, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S WORTH?

Musidorus is really uncomfortable.

On Pamela and Mopsa.