How to read this book

1) Have a deep desire to learn. 7) With a friend, make a lively game out of
Repeat: “My popularity, my happiness and sense of worth depend mastering these rules.
to no small extent upon my skill in dealing with people.”
8) Check up each week on your progress.
2) Reread each chapter. “For years I have kept an engagement book showing all the
appointments I had during the day. My family never made any
3) Stop frequently and ask yourself how you can plans for me on Saturday night, for the family knew that I devoted
apply each suggestion. a part of each Saturday evening to the illumination process of self-
examination and review. After dinner I went off by myself, opened
4) Read with a pencil in hand. my engagement book, and thought over all the interviews,
discussions and meetings that had taken place during the week...”
5) Review each month.
9) Keep notes about how you have applied these tips.
6) Apply these suggestions as often as possible.

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

1) Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain. good points, we won’t have to resort to flattery. “I shall pass this
way but once; any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness
No one, even hardened criminals, blames himself. If you must, that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not
write criticism but don’t mail it. “Do you know someone you defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.” Emerson:
would like to change and regulate and improve? Good! That is “Every man I meet is my superior in some way.”
fine. I am all in favor of it. But why not begin on yourself? From a
purely selfish standpoint, that is a lot more profitable than trying to 3) Arouse in the other person an eager want.
improve others—yes, and a lot less dangerous. ‘Don’t complain
about the snow on your neighbor’s roof,’ said Confucius, ‘when It is necessary to bait the hook to suit the fish, not the fisherman.
your own doorstep is unclean.’” Give second chances. Why talk about what you want? That is childish. Absurd. Of
course, you are interested in what you want. You are eternally
2) Give sincere and honest appreciation. interested in it. But no one else is. The rest of us are just like you:
we are interested in what we want. Henry Ford: “If there is any one
Everyone wants to feel important. When we are not engaged in secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point
thinking about some definite problem, we usually spend about 95 of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from
percent of our time thinking about ourselves. If we stop thinking your own.”
about ourselves for a while and begin to think of the other person’s

How to… …Make People Like You

1) Become genuinely interested in other people. name several times, and tried to associate it in his mind with the
person’s features, expression and general appearance.
You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested
in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other 4) Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about
people interested in you. Alfred Adler: “It is the individual who is
not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in
themselves.
life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among Charles W. Elliot: Nothing is so flattering as exclusive attention to
such individuals that all human failures spring.” the person who is speaking to you. Ask questions that the other
person will enjoy answering. A friend often doesn’t want advice,
2) Smile! but just a friendly, sympathetic listener.
Like a dog, show that you are happy to see people. An insincere
grin is mechanical and we resent it. Smile even when talking on 5) Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
the phone. William James: “The sovereign voluntary path to Whenever Roosevelt expected a visitor, he sat up late the night
cheerfulness, if our cheerfulness be lost, is to sit up cheerfully and before, reading up on the subject in which he knew his guest was
to act and speak as if cheerfulness were already there.” [67] Elbert particularly interested. Man visits and talks to a boy about boats,
Hubbard: “Whenever you go out-of-doors, draw the chin in, carry but his mother says that he wasn’t really interested in boats: “He is
the crown of the head high, and fill the lungs to the utmost; drink a gentleman. He saw you were interested in boats, and he talked
in the sunshine; greet your friends with a smile, and put soul into about the things he knew would interest and please you. He made
every handclasp. Do not fear being misunderstood and do not himself agreeable.”
waste a minute thinking about your enemies.”
6) Make the other person feel important—and do it
3) Remember that a person’s name is to that person sincerely.
the sweetest sound in any language. Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. All the time.
Napoleon’s advice on remembering names: If he didn’t get the Everywhere. Emerson: “Every man I meet is my superior in some
name distinctly, he said, “So sorry. I didn’t get the name clearly.” way. In that, I learn of him.” Employer wanted to keep a key
Then, if it was an unusual name, he would say, “How is it employee: told her how important she was to the company in front
spelled?” During the conversation, he took the trouble to repeat the of the entire staff and later in front of the boss’s family.
 …Win People to Your Way of Thinking
1) You can’t win an argument. Ask buyers for their input/feedback. Colonel House influenced
Woodrow Wilson by planting an idea in his head and then
Welcome disagreement. Don’t get angry or defensive. Look for allowing Wilson to think about it and later, explain it to others as
areas of agreement. Listen carefully and admit error. Wilson’s own idea. House even gave Wilson public credit.
2) Show respect for the other person’s opinions. 8) Try honestly to see things from the other
Never say, “You’re wrong.” person’s point of view.
When we are wrong, we may admit it to ourselves. And if we Ask yourself why someone else would want to do something.
are handled gently and tactfully, we may admit it to others and
even take pride in our frankness and broad-mindedness. But not 9) Be sympathetic towards the other person’s ideas
if someone else is trying to ram the unpalatable fact down our
esophagus. Say, e.g., “I may be wrong. I frequently am. Let’s
and desires.
examine the facts.” Try to understand what the other person The magic words: “I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you
means by what they are saying instead of immediately judging do. If I were you I’d undoubtedly feel the same.” And mean it!
it. Be like Ben Franklin and don’t say “certainly”,
“undoubtedly”, etc. Instead say “I conceive” or “I imagine”. 10) Appeal to the nobler motives.
J.P. Morgan says that a person usually has two motives for doing
3) When wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. a thing: one that sounds good and the real one. Appeal to the
Say about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other idealistic one. A certain Mr. Thomas says: if you have no other
person is thinking or wants to say—and say them before that evidence, assume that a customer is honest, truthful, and willing
person has a chance to. The chances are a hundred to one that a to pay the charges if they are convinced that they are correct.
generous, forgiving attitude will be taken. It can be satisfying to Even those who aren’t naturally honest will often react well if
have the courage to admit one’s errors. you show that you consider them to be honest and fair.

4) Begin in a friendly way. 11) Dramatize your ideas.

Be a showman. TV ads always dramatize ideas, and you can too.
5) Get the other person saying “yes, yes”. Don’t just talk, show. Use interesting visual aids. Be creative.
Come up with two questions that you can ask that the other
person will answer yes to. This is sort of a Socratic method of 12) Throw down a challenge.
convincing someone. People love the work they are doing, and being great at it.
Charles Schwab: “The way to get things done is to stimulate
6) Let the other person do lots of the talking. competition. I do not mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but
in the desire to excel.”
7) Let the other person feel ownership of the idea.

…Be a Leader
1) Begin with praise and honest appreciation. 5) Let the other person save face.
If you must find fault, start with something nice. A barber lathers A few minutes’ thought, a considerate word or two, or a genuine
a man before he shaves him. understanding of the other person’s attitude can go a long way to
alleviating the sting of criticism. Antoine de Saint-Exupery: “I
2) Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly. have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his
Instead of “<praise>, but <criticism>”, use and if it makes the own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he
praise seem more sincere. If someone isn’t doing something that things of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.”
you wish they were, do it yourself once. A man carefully
polished a sermon and showed it to his wife. Instead of talking 6) Praise every improvement, no matter how slight.
about its many faults, she said she thought it would be a great
article for some journal. 7) Give the person a fine reputation to live up to.
Shakespeare: “Assume a virtue, if you have it not.” Assume and
3) Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing. state openly that other people have the virtue you want them to
A father who smokes talks to his son, who has recently started, develop. Tell someone they pay attention to detail, or have an
about how bad smoking has been for the father instead of open mind, and maybe they will.
criticizing the son.
8) Make a fault seem easy to correct.
4) Ask questions instead of giving direct orders. Tell someone that he is stupid or dumb at a certain thing, has no
Owen D. Young always gave people the opportunity to do things gift for it, and is doing it all wrong, and you have destroyed
themselves; he never told his assistants to do things; he let them almost every incentive to try to improve.
do them, let them learn from their mistakes. That lets a person
save face and encourages cooperation instead of rebellion.
9) Make the other person happy about doing what
Asking questions stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you suggest.
you ask. Be sincere and empathetic. Consider the benefits to the other
person. Won’t always help, but it will increase the odds.