PLEASE LIKE ME

"The Mask"

written by

Michael Dixon

michaelpauldixon@gmail.com DRAFT NO. 1

Fremantle, Western Australia February 2017

FADE IN

EXT. FARMERS MARKET - MORNING

JOSH is holding GRACE with TOM watching ALAN and MAE waiting
to dance with a small group of people.

Straw bales mark the border of the dance floor.

The song Ragtime Annie starts to play.

MASTER OF CEREMONIES
(lyrically)

Bow to your partner

Your corners on.

Join hands in a circle

And go round the hog.

All the way round

If it takes all day.

Turn your partner right round

Till they're back your way.

Head couples 1 and 3 go forward now

Its up to the middle and back a note

Go forward again and do-si-do!

Stay in the middle and face the side.

Circle 4 to the left and do it with

pride!

All the way round and then split the

sides and separate

Round 1 .

Hook on the ends, make lines on the

side.
(MORE)
"The Mask" 2.
MASTER OF CEREMONIES
(CONT'D)
8 to the middle and back to the bar

Centre 4, right hand to the star!

JOSH

What do you think is an appropriate

age for square dancing?

TOM

Theyre having fun Josh.

JOSH

No Im just saying! Its ironic older

people seem to enjoy it just as their

inner ear function starts to

deteriorate.
(half beat)

Maybe you should join them, you look

very distinguished in that troubadour.

MASTER OF CEREMONIES

8 to the middle and back to the bar

Centre 4, right hand to the star!

Once around, turn corner left.

Two hands to the corner and bounce

away

Corner sway and corner sway

And promenade, go round the yard!

Head couples 2 and 4 go forward now

Its up to the middle and back a note,

go forward again and do-si-do!

"The Mask" 3.

JOSH

Its very nauseating. Can you get me

some ginger?

TOM

Theyll be fine Josh.

JOSH

No for me Tom.

TOM

Youll be fine Josh.

CUT TO:

TITLES - PLEASE LIKE ME

Josh and Grace play with the petting zoo animals.

BACK TO:

EXT. FARMERS MARKET - LATER

Josh, Tom, Alan and Mae walk with Grace in the pram to the
parking lot.

MAE

That was fun Josh!

JOSH

Yeah its nice.

MAE

You should open a shop here.

JOSH

The rent on a stall is fairly cheap, I

can make cost back in an hour.

"The Mask" 4.

ALAN

Youre not giving up the weekday

location Josh, I know you have

inheritance left over from your Mum

but she wouldnt want..

JOSH

No Dad Im still doing that, this is

just another option.

ALAN

Oh. Uhh good. Im proud of you Josh,

very entrepreneurial.

JOSH

Its only a half Saturday so I can

still make Sunday church and tell the

magical man in the sky that Im sorry

for all my bum sex.

MAE ALAN

Ha ha Josh you are funny! Honestly Josh.

JOSH

Also I can apologise for Toms hat.

ALAN

Whats wrong with his hat. Its very

becoming.
"The Mask" 5.

JOSH

He looks like a dying make a wish

foundation kid about to go to

Disneyland to meet his idol Bruno

Mars.

TOM

What!

JOSH

You can go on Splash Mountain and do a

flash-mob to Uptown Funk!

TOM

Well just be sure you record it all on

your flip phone, so I can play it at

your 40th next year.

Josh sulkily gives Grace a kiss goodbye.

JOSH

Bye guys, Ill see you later.

CUT TO:

EXT. INSIDE CAR - CONTINUOUS

Josh and Tom travel for a minute in silence.

JOSH

You know what I should have said? I

should have sa..

TOM
(interrupting)

Hey Costanza, do you want me to turn

the car around to Akron Ohio?

"The Mask" 6.

JOSH
(laughing)

What?

TOM

You only get maximum 10 seconds for a

comeback.

JOSH

Who made that rule.

TOM

Society. Its a well established social

norm.

JOSH

Screw society.

TOM

Me then.

JOSH

Says King Tom back from his day of

grammatical conquest and linguistic

prescription.

TOM

L'esprit de l'escalier.

JOSH

Did you just ask me for a royal

blowjob Tom.
(half beat)

I dont like it when you say things I

cant understand.
"The Mask" 7.

TOM

You mean when I sound smarter than

you.

JOSH

That too.
(half beat)

Well are you going to tell me?

TOM

Its French for staircase wit.

JOSH

Oh because youre such an expert on

stairs after living in a loft.

TOM

Its a rough translation Josh, it means

the predicament of thinking of the

perfect reply, albeit too little too

late.

JOSH

I dont care, Im going to tell you

anyway.

Tom raises his brows nodding expectably.

JOSH (CONTD)

So I was going to say you and Bruno

Mars could reform the Jackson 5 except

you would be the Jackson 2. You could

be vitiligo Michael and Bruno could be

Tito.
"The Mask" 8.

Tom adjusts his troubadour giving his best Michael Jackson

impression.

TOM

A heee heee!

JOSH

Are you going to wear that all day?

TOM

Whats wrong with you.

JOSH

I dont know. Ive never felt safe

when a driver is wearing a hat.

TOM

Yeah Im sure that's it.

JOSH

Would you rather me rag on Asians and

Volvo drivers?

Tom continues to drive ignoring Josh.

JOSH (CONTD)

Ok.. So I woke up feeling bitchy.

TOM

Thats usually reserved for weekdays.

JOSH

I know right?

TOM

Are we still going speed dating

tonight?

JOSH

Yeah I guess so.

"The Mask" 9.

TOM

Maybe you just need to pick up.

JOSH
(disappointingly)

No that's not it.

Josh scrolls through his phone pausing on two exs Arnold

Mobile, then Geoffrey Mobile, before scrolling to Mum
Mobile and looking sadly out the window.

CUT TO:

INT. JOSHS HOUSE - LATER

JOHN THE DOG is lounging on the couch as Josh enters.

Josh sees his Mums urn on the kitchen counter top.

JOSH

Hey buddy, tough life huh?

(quietly)

Hi Ma.

Josh looks around the empty apartment and texts Alan.

JOSH (TEXT) (CONTD)

What are you doing with the old house?

Josh waits for the 3 dots signalling a reply.

JOSH (CONTD)

Come on.

The dots dont appear and Josh throws his phone in annoyance.

JOSH (CONTD)

Ugggh.

Josh looks back up at the urn.

"The Mask" 10.

JOSH (CONTD)

So Ma I was thinking, I mean.. I dont

want to sound ungrateful or anything

because youre not here anymore and I

sold your house to get this amazing

million dollar apartment but I really

miss you so its sort of why I haven't

found any permanent place for you

except for that bit at the old house

and in Toms mouth. What Im getting

at is I have to go to this speed

dating thing tonight, its for Tom

because you know, Ella left him and I

was thinking like if I met someone too

I might bring them back here and have

lots of sex so.. I umm have to put you

in the cupboard or the pantry or

something.

Josh closes his eyes hard and squints before gingerly rising
from the sofa to approach the urn and place it in the pantry.

JOSH (CONTD)

So were just going to do a trial run

and pop you up there because you were

a top shelf lady.

Josh returns to the sofa placing a dramatic feigned hand to

his head. Agitated, Josh takes out an eye mask to wear and
cuddles up with John.

After 30 seconds of nothing, Josh still wearing the eye mask

sits upright looking around, before taking it off and
retrieving his mobile phone, dialling a number.
"The Mask" 11.

JOSH (CONTD)

Hey, its Josh. I know we arent

seeing each other officially but I was

wondering if you would like to catch

up as friends? I like you and I think

you still like me so Im going to the

park near your place tomorrow morning

with John and maybe Ill see you there?

I mean whatever ok? Bye.

Josh lays back down on the sofa and quietly starts to sing
the intro credit music from the TV show Offspring.

CUT TO:

EXT. BACKYARD - CARAVAN - LATER

HANNAH and KYAH sit outside in the late afternoon.

KYAH

Do you want to do something tonight?

HANNAH

Aren't we doing something now?

KYAH

I was thinking you could come over to

my place for dinner.

HANNAH

I bought some 2 minute noodles this

morning.

KYAH

You could come over and stay the night

and if you wanted, stay the week.

Kyah gives Hannah a spare house key.

"The Mask" 12.

HANNAH

Oh.

KYAH

I mean theres no pressure, you can

just hold onto it if you want, like a

promise ring.

HANNAH

I dont really wear jewelry, it reacts

with my skin.

KYAH

Just think, anytime you want to skip

the gym, you can have a hot shower at

mine instead.

HANNAH

It gives me a rash and makes me itchy.

KYAH

I know, I have the same cream you use

in a separate draw in my bathroom, all

for you.

HANNAH
(scratching neck)

Its warm isnt it.

KYAH

Like I said, theres no pressure

Hannah, anytime you want.

HANNAH

Alright. Do you want another beer?

"The Mask" 13.

KYAH

Sure.

Hannah enters the caravan to get a beer breathing heavily.

KYAH (CONTD)

Everything ok in there Hannah?

HANNAH

Everything is.. Great, were out.

KYAH

I can pop over to the shops and get

some. Do you want to come?

HANNAH

Ill wait here.

KYAH

Ok, wont be long.

Hannah waits for Kyah to leave and calls Josh.

JOSH (V.O.)

Hello, this is Josh. I am unavailable.

I'm too busy. I'm too busy for you!

Hannah ends the call without leaving a message and looking at

her bruised foot from previous self harm, picks up a pestle,
rolling it in both hands.

CUT TO:

INT. RESTAURANT - SPEED DATING EVENT - NIGHT

Josh and Tom enter the restaurant for the speed date.

HOST

Straight, gay or bi?

TOM

Straight.
"The Mask" 14.

JOSH

We get to choose? Because some of us

dont you know.

HOST

Its a mixer. Your coloured dot

nominates your preference and if

someone doesnt match your

orientation, you hopefully have a nice

conversation instead, broaden your

horizons.

JOSH

Thats very progressive. I wish

someone had come up with that idea

when the Nazis were giving out stars

to the Jews.

TOM

I know right? Now everyone gets a

participation sticker. Can I have a

bi sticker too?

JOSH

But youre not bi.

TOM

I feel like some extra attention and

practice. Plus it makes for

interesting conversation.

Josh and Tom walk into through the restaurant to their seats.

The Host explains the rules.

"The Mask" 15.

HOST

Just a quick reminder of the rules

ladies and gentlemen. Its a full

house tonight so 4 minutes per

rotation at the sound of my bell.

People on the inside row stay seated,

outside row move to your right.

JOSH

Oh come on.

TOM
(with a royal wave)

Its only proper Josh, all must present

themselves before King Tom!

HOST

At the end, submit your list of who

you want to share contact information

with, if there is a match, you get

numbers!

The Host dings the bell.

HOST (CONTD)

And outside tables, move to your

right!

JOSH
(humming)

Its up to the middle and do-si-do!

HAVENIQUA

Hi Josh Im Haveniqua.
"The Mask" 16.

JOSH

No.. Really? Your name is Haveniqua?

HAVENIQUA

Since birth.

JOSH

Were your parents sign writers?

HAVENIQUA

No they had normal jobs, they were

artsy though.

JOSH

That makes sense, I like it. I mean

Josh, its like someone has a stress

ball called J and osh is the

squished part after you apply

pressure.

HAVENIQUA

Sure.

JOSH

So youre straight.

HAVENIQUA

Yes.

JOSH

I used to like girls and then..

HAVENIQUA

Poof?

JOSH

Well yes, in a manner of speaking.

"The Mask" 17.

HAVENIQUA

It was an attempt at humour Josh, like

saying shazam.

JOSH
(smiling)

Ahh.. Perhaps you could write it down

in Haveniqua typeface and do stand-up?

HAVENIQUA

10 minutes of straight puns.

JOSH

Oh sorry, I dont like puns so I

couldnt come.

HAVENIQUA

Thats what he said.

JOSH

Better.

INT. RESTAURANT - SPEED DATING EVENT - CONTINUOUS

JESS, an attractive speed date is sitting across from Tom.

TOM

So what do you do?

JESS

For a job or for fun?

TOM

I dunno, for fun?

JESS

I like to ride, I generally do about 5

ks per day, just to stay in the game.

"The Mask" 18.

TOM

What game?

JESS

The fitness game.

TOM

Oh right, yeah I dont mind getting

the pushy out everyone now and then.

JESS

Oh cool! We should hit the street

sometime. What are you doing

tomorrow?

TOM

Umm sleeping?

JESS

Ha youre funny. If youre keen and

we match Ill send you a text.

TOM
(hesitantly)

Sounds awesome.

INT. RESTAURANT - SPEED DATING EVENT - CONTINUOUS

Josh and Tom go a few more rounds.

JOSH

Hi ya, Im Josh.

BEVAN

Hey. Bevan.

JOSH

Finally.. Gay?
"The Mask" 19.

BEVAN

Bi actually, my sticker fell off.

Josh realises he has just been shot down.

JOSH

Oh, you might like my friend Tom. He

is that handsome fellow just over

there.

BEVAN

Is he an ex or something?

JOSH

No we are just friends, we used to

live with each other but I swear

nothing ever happened.

BEVAN

Cool, what do you do?

JOSH

I am a.. trout fisherman, I catch

trout.

BEVAN

On a boat?

JOSH

Not exactly, I catch them at the trout

farm.

BEVAN

You dont really have the torso of a

trout fisherman.
"The Mask" 20.

JOSH

Ohh. I use a big vacuum machine, it

sucks them all up.

BEVAN

Let me see your hands.

JOSH

Why?

BEVAN

I want to smell them.

JOSH

They smell like garlic at the moment,

its the best way to counteract the

trout odor. It keeps the vampires

away too. What do you do?

BEVAN

Im an accountant.

JOSH

Oh so numbers and spreadsheets and

stuff.

BEVAN

Something like that.

JOSH

I use a calculator to add up all the

trout I catch.
(half beat)
(MORE)
"The Mask" 21.
JOSH (CONT'D)

Do you think in the olden days when

they used an abacus they ever wrote

out rude shapes with all the beads?

Like 80085 on a calculator?

BEVAN

Not really, an abacuss structure

varies but I like the Chinese version

which utilises a combination of only 2

rows called base 2 and base 5.

JOSH

Yeah. I bet if we had one right now,

I could work out how much time was

left on this date.

Josh sits in awkward silence and then stands.

JOSH (CONTD)

I think Im going to freshen up.

Josh excuses himself from the table, leaving the restaurant.

INT. RESTAURANT - SPEED DATING EVENT - CONTINUOUS

JORDAN
(sitting)

Hey Im Jordan, I like your hat.

TOM

Thanks, its a troubadour.

JORDAN

So how may of these things have you

been on?
"The Mask" 22.

TOM

This is my first time.

JORDAN

Oh a virgin!

TOM

Yep.

JORDAN

How are finding it?

TOM

I think I might be going for a bike

ride tomorrow.

JORDAN

Oh thats sounds nice. I bet you keep

real fit. You dont want to help me

move house by any chance?

TOM

Youre right, I dont. I think I met

your friend before, she asked the same

thing.

JORDAN

Ill give you a handy.

TOM

Interesting proposition. Before or

after?

JORDAN

Before or after what?

"The Mask" 23.

TOM

I help you move.

JORDAN

Umm.. After.

TOM

Well unfortunately I like all my hand-

jobs before I apply myself physically.

JORDAN

Oh.

Tom pulls out his phone with an app with gong sounds.

TOM
(playing gong)

Times up.

CUT TO:

EXT. RESTAURANT - SPEED DATING EVENT - LATER

Unable to find Josh, Tom calls him on his mobile phone.

TOM

Well that was horrendous, where are

you?

JOSH

Umm standing in front of my door.

TOM

In the hallway?

JOSH

Yes.

TOM

Alright. Its just that you were here

one minute and the next you weren't.

"The Mask" 24.

JOSH

I know Im sorry. I had fun at the

start, I was a trout farmer and a phd

student but then people kept asking me

questions about my made up professions

and well.. I left.

TOM

I told someone I was a sham-wow

salesman.

JOSH

That's really impressive Tom. What do

you know about micro-fibre?

TOM

Enough to get by. One chick asked for

help moving house.

JOSH

Thats a bit weird. Any matches then?

TOM

Yes. Ill be going cycling tomorrow.

JOSH

Oh cool. Hey Im going to head in,

having multiple fake careers is really

tiresome.

TOM

Alright, night.

Josh walks inside and takes his Mums urn ashes down from the
top shelf, sitting the urn on the coffee table as he curls up
on the couch.
"The Mask" 25.

JOSH

Night Ma.

CUT TO:

EXT. PARK - MORNING

Josh is sitting on a park bench holding a thermos and

throwing a ball to John.

The mobile phone rings and it is Tom.

JOSH

Hey sexy spandex man, ready for your

ride?

TOM

Yeah I dont know if Im going to go.

JOSH

Oh.. Why not?

CUT TO:

INT. TOMS APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

Tom is staring at a rusted 1980s Malvern Star 12 speed.

TOM

I dunno, I just cant be bothered?

JOSH (O.S.)

Thats just typical Tom, you drag me

out to despo date night and surprise

everyone by actually picking up and

now you wont follow through.

(MORE)
"The Mask" 26.
JOSH (O.S.) (CONT'D)

Even Trump followed through, he had no

shot in hell, but there he is, with

all his Presidential hair, getting

stuck in the White House carpet. Can

you imagine what it must be like for

those poor Latino cleaners?

TOM

I guess.

JOSH (O.S.)

Dont forget to wear protection for

that big head of yours.

Tom picks up a mustard 1980s Stack Hat examining it.

TOM

Whatever Josh. Where are you?

JOSH (O.S.)

Im at the park with John, I have to

go.

Tom looks despondently at his bike and stack hat.

TOM

Fuck.

BACK TO:

EXT. PARK - MORNING - CONTINUOUS

Joshs old therapist SIOBHAN taps Josh on the shoulder.

SIOBHAN

Hey Josh.

JOSH

Hi ya.
"The Mask" 27.

SIOBHAN

How are you?

JOSH

Yeah good. I wasnt sure if you would

come.

SIOBHAN

Well we aren't seeing each other in a

professional setting and youve had

time on your own.

(half beat)

Are you ok?

JOSH

I think so. Do you want some coffee?

I made some savoury twizzlers.

SIOBHAN

Sure. Aren't you working today?

JOSH

Not on Saturday but I am thinking of

changing that. Theres a farmers

market, its only a half day thing and

it gets me out of the house.

SIOBHAN

The crazy share house?

"The Mask" 28.

JOSH

No actually I moved out and so did all

my friends and now I live in this big

apartment and listen to whale music to

counter my neighbors octave but its

ok because I forgive them, just like

Jesus would.

SIOBHAN

Well that's very magnanimous of you.

JOSH

Is it though? I dont even know these

people to compare our lives and its

like the apartment doesn't want me

there.

SIOBHAN
(confused)

Wait a sec, you said the apartment

doesn't want you there?

JOSH

Did I? Maybe.. I mean, last night I

went with Tom, who by the way is

wearing this annoying hat all the

time, anyway.. I went to a speed date

for moral support and I didn't want

one phone number so I left and went

back to my pretty house but then I

felt shallow and guilty.

"The Mask" 29.

SIOBHAN

Because you prefer nice surroundings

than empty company?

JOSH

I dunno.
(laughing)

Because of how I paid for it maybe?

SIOBHAN

Perhaps what you are feeling is a

metaphoric transference.

JOSH

Materially speaking.

SIOBHAN

Exactly.
(half beat)

Is that why you feel guilty?

JOSH

I dunno, I miss my Mum of course.

SIOBHAN

Naturally.

JOSH

Its just that, even though I miss her,

Im not really crying any more.

SIOBHAN

These things run their course Josh,

the timing is different for everyone.

"The Mask" 30.

JOSH

I still have her ashes and I've been

trying to create these Nina Proudman

fantasies where Mum is doing something

silly but she never appears.

SIOBHAN

Ahh.

JOSH

Im sorry. I shouldnt be telling you

all this on our first friend date.

SIOBHAN

Its ok, friends can talk about these

things.

John leaps up onto the park bench and snuggles into Siobhan.

Theres something I want you to try

though, I think it will help.

JOSH

Is it buying a new dog? Someone has

forgotten where his bread is buttered.

SIOBHAN
(laughs)

Theres a class on this afternoon.

JOSH

What a dating class?

SIOBHAN

No its a real life drawing class.

"The Mask" 31.

JOSH

I dunno about that. I can barely draw

that house where you don't lift the

pen off the paper.

SIOBHAN

The model is stripped bare.

JOSH

Well thats one way to pique my

interest.

SIOBHAN

Josh, I think it will be an important

learning process for you, and if you

take away the right things..

JOSH
(interrupting)

What, like a sexy real life model.

SIOBHAN
(laughs)

It will also help our friendship.

JOSH

Fine just text me the details and when

to meet you there.

SIOBHAN

No it has to be just you Josh.

JOSH

What? Why is there always a catch?

"The Mask" 32.

SIOBHAN

You have to otherwise it will be a

while before we can see each other

again.

JOSH

Fine Ill go.

SIOBHAN
(stroking Johns ears)

Cool.

JOSH
(looking at John)

Judas.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS

Tom is shakily riding his 1980s Malvern Star 12 speed.

Tom finally makes it to the meet point where Jess is waiting.

JESS

Hey nice bike!

TOM

Yeah my carbon fibre is in the shop,

this is their loaner.

JESS

Ok Stanley.

TOM

Stanley?

JOSH

Ipkiss.
"The Mask" 33.

TOM

Right.. Jim Carey, the loaner.

JESS

Its fitting dont you think? Youre

nice and nice guys finish last! Race

ya!

Jess races away leaving Tom crunching the gears as the chain
falls off the main cog.

TOM

What a shit follow through.

CUT TO:

EXT. BACKYARD - CARAVAN - LATER

Hannah is sitting outside of her caravan.

She dials Josh on his mobile phone at home.

JOSH
(answering)

Hey so guess what Tom and I did last

night?

HANNAH
(nonplussed)

Umm.. Ate donuts?

JOSH

No much more exciting than that.

Guess again.

HANNAH

Bought a cordless drill?

JOSH

Hannah youre shit at this game.

"The Mask" 34.

HANNAH

Sorry.

JOSH

Alright we went speed dating!

HANNAH

I thought I was the one with the

mental illness.

JOSH

At first it was fun but then it got

sort of all depressing, it was like

one of those warhead lollies that

starts off sour and then tastes sweet

but like the opposite way around.

HANNAH
(depressingly)

Right.

JOSH

Im sorry, why were you calling?

HANNAH

For some advice.

JOSH

Ok, what about?

HANNAH

Moving.

JOSH

Why is everybody moving? Im gonna

check twitter to see if its trending.

"The Mask" 35.

HANNAH

I can call back if this is a bad time.

JOSH

No Im joking Hannah. When are you

moving?

HANNAH

Kyah asked me to stay over a couple

days this week and I'm guessing

something permanent after that.

JOSH

Oh ok. Thats a good thing isn't it?

Its like how a warhead lolly is

supposed to be, life is sour then its

sweet!

HANNAH

I guess?

JOSH

Are you asking me or telling me?

HANNAH

Both.. I think.

JOSH

Hannah.. The only advice I can give

you is to do things in your own time.

HANNAH

Then I might be here forever.

"The Mask" 36.

JOSH

Why not ask Kyah to stay a few nights

in the van? That way it wont seem one

sided.

HANNAH

I guess so.

JOSH

What are your doing this afternoon?

Hannah eyes off her bruised foot and then the pestle.

HANNAH

Thinking.

JOSH

Well Im going to a real life drawing

class at Melbourne Uni, do you want to

come?

HANNAH

Ah no, thats where Kyah has tenure, I

need some alone time, bye Josh.

Hannah hangs up on Josh who looks at his phone.

JOSH
(to no one)

Ok bye!?

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS

Tom and Jess ride up a hill on a medium gradient.

Jess reaches the top easily, turning to see Tom struggling.

Riding back down, Jess circles Tom as he continues to climb.

CUT TO:
"The Mask" 37.

EXT. UNIVERSITY - LATER

Josh walks through the halls of Melbourne University.

Joshs mobile phone starts to ring.

ALAN (O.S.)

Josh its Dad.

JOSH

Oh hi Dad. I had no idea it was you.

ALAN (O.S.)

Right.. Fine.. I got your message.

JOSH

About why a packet of original Tim

Tams has 11 biscuits and all the

flavoured Tim Tams only have 10?

CUT TO:

EXT. ALANS HOUSE - BALCONY - CONTINUOUS

ALAN

What?

JOSH (O.S.)

I mean its like their own version of a

bakers dozen.

ALAN

I'm calling about the house Josh. Its

getting repainted and then Ill put it

back on the market to rent.

BACK TO:
"The Mask" 38.

EXT. UNIVERSITY - CONTINUOUS

JOSH

Oh right.

ALAN (O.S.)

Is everything alright? Is there

something I need to know about the

house?

JOSH

Yes everything is fine and thanks for

asking about how I am. I have to

go.

INT. UNIVERSITY - ART CLASS - CONTINUOUS

Josh walks into the art class and takes a position up front.

Various easels and paper are spaced in a large semi circle.

Josh writes his name on a sticky name badge.

LECTURER

Welcome everyone. Im glad to see we

have some eager beavers front and

centre. Tonights session will go for

1 hour and just a reminder, we do lock

the doors to maintain an element of

privacy for our model.

Suddenly, two women appear pushing a man in a wheelchair.

The man is naked and they lift his body onto the couch.

The wheelchair is pushed to the side.

JOSH
(silently)

Oh my god.
"The Mask" 39.

LECTURER

What will your expression on paper do?

How will it serve you? Is it a way to

work out conflict and tension? Or

does it serve as a form of escape?

This is the cathartic view of art.

Studies suggest that channeling our

emotion is more effective for our

mental health than simply venting

negativity.

JOSH

I have a question?

LECTURER

Yes Josh.

JOSH

Why is the model wheelchair bound? I

mean I dont have any issues with

people that are physically challenged,

look at me and my custard body. I

just thought maybe drawing happy

things would be beneficial to what

ever.. this is?

"The Mask" 40.

LECTURER

Its a good question Josh. If we have

class draw an able bodied Adonis or

even a cutesy kitten, we merely apply

a band-aid, akin to masking the

problem with a distraction like

alcohol or in medical cases,

antidepressants.

JOSH

Yeah this isn't going to be releasing

a rush of endorphins and serotonin

anytime soon.

LECTURER

Give it a chance Josh, there are other

benefits too which will become

apparent over the hour.

Josh turns to the WOMAN #1 sitting next to him.

JOSH

Maybe he will get an erection?

WOMAN #1

I dont normally get sad at seeing

those but for some reason I think Ill

forgo that visual if it arises.

JOSH

Oh great.. More puns.

"The Mask" 41.

LECTURER

I want you to focus on and observe

what you are drawing in the moment.

Dont be alarmed if drawing the scene

makes you empathise or feel sad,

channel that emotion into the pencil

and onto the paper.

JOSH
(silently)

Kill me now.

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET - LATER

Tom, still trailing Jess, rides towards a group of shops.

TOM
(calling)

Hey Jess can we stop?

JESS

Dont be a pussy Stanley Ipkiss!

TOM

Weve been riding for like 4 hours!

JESS

Its only been 45 minutes!

TOM

I think Ive done a hammy.

JESS
(laughing)

Alright.

Tom and Jess pull over setting their bikes against the wall.
"The Mask" 42.

JESS (CONTD)

Want a coffee?

TOM

Voltaren.

JESS

Ha ha.

TOM

And a pillow.

JESS

How about I get my little Lance

Armstrong an Iced VoVo?

Tom closes his eyes laying back awkwardly in the chair.

Toms ex ELLA appears from the coffee shop door.

ELLA

Hello Tom.

TOM
(startled)

What the fu..

ELLA

Nice to see you too.

TOM

Ella what are you doing here?

ELLA

Buying coffee Tom. Its a social norm,

one travels to a cafe and there is an

exchange of money for goods.

"The Mask" 43.

TOM

I know all about social convention, I

just had this discussion with Josh.

ELLA
(presenting)

This is called a takeaway.

TOM

What are you doing at this cafe?

ELLA

I should ask you the same thing.

TOM

Well.. Im a cyclist now.

ELLA

Clearly. Though Im not sure you do

understand social convention, being a

cyclist at a cafe is borderline

clich, arguably one step away from a

mid-life crisis. Are you having a mid-

life crisis Tom?

TOM

No Im not, but thank you for asking.

Im merely exploring attributes of my

psyche.

ELLA

At least you aren't wearing spandex.

TOM

Well Im told chaffing is an ever

present danger.
"The Mask" 44.

ELLA

As is others seeing your package in

public. I do recall it was a nice

package.

TOM

Many would agree.

ELLA

Explains the chlamydia.

TOM

Quietly!

ELLA

Im just teasing. Are you here alone?

Can I sit down?

TOM

Ah no.. Im here with a friend.

ELLA

Oh. Have you noticed when people say

Im here with a friend more often

than not its someone they want to

bang? Why cant people just say Hey,

Im here with my friend Ella, she is

just getting our drinks.

TOM

I guess it implies things and

minimises awkwardness aka social norm.

ELLA

Check out the big brain on Tom!

"The Mask" 45.

Jess returns with coffee and Iced VoVo.

JESS

Hello? Im Jess.

ELLA

Hi Jess, Im leaving. Bye Tom.

Ella leaves, looking back as she turns the shop corner.

JESS

Who was that?

TOM

Just a friend.

JESS

Oh, someone you want to have sex with?

TOM

Sorry, my ex.

JESS

Ahh.

Jess looks quizzically at Tom.

TOM

What?!

JESS

I got a glass of ice for your forehead

but now I think you might need to cool

off your Lance Armstrong singular ball

sack after seeing your friend there.

TOM

Seriously, its the first time Ive

seen her since breaking up.

"The Mask" 46.

JESS

Uh huh.

TOM

Its true I swear.

JESS

Prove it.

TOM

How can I prove it? I just met you!

JESS

Kiss me.

TOM

What.. Now?

JESS

Well I certainly wont wait till we

ride back, youre sweaty enough as it

is.

TOM

I was thinking of getting an Uber.

Jess leans in, eyes closed for a kiss. Tom reciprocates and
at the last moment, sees Ella looking back around the corner.

TOM (CONTD)

Fuck.

JESS

Lets try a kiss first.

Jess opens her eyes to see Tom looking Ellas way but she has
disappeared.
"The Mask" 47.

JESS (CONTD)

Its now or never Tom, you dont need

your exs permission.

Tom plants a kiss on Jesss lips.

JESS (CONTD)
(lying)

Terrible.
(taking Toms phone)

No Uber for you. I am however going

to kick your arse on the way back.

TOM
(taking the cup of ice)

I think Id like to cool my balls now.

CUT TO:

INT. UNIVERSITY - ART CLASS - LATER

Josh has almost finished his real life drawing.

LECTURER

How are we travelling people? There

is about 5 minutes left so feel free

to step back and utilise these final

moments in quiet reflection. What do

you take away from this session?

Josh sits back exhausted.

LECTURER (CONTD)
(openly)

Josh. Do you want to share your

experience? How was it?

"The Mask" 48.

JOSH

Draining actually. At first I thought

about breaking the door and leaving

but then it dawned on me this guy

cant walk and I can. What are my

difficulties in life compared to his?

LECTURER

Thats healthy Josh. Who else feels

this way?

All of the class put up their hands.

LECTURER (CONTD)

Excellent.
(to the model)

Thank you.

The model promptly stands and walks from the room.

Josh turns to WOMAN #3 stunned.

JOSH

We made him walk through the power of

art!

LECTURER

It is in this sense that we carry

ourselves through life, is it not? We

hide our problems under appearance,

and this is not the way to live. The

challenge today was to see that things

can always be worse and to call out

subterfuge in your own life.

(MORE)
"The Mask" 49.
LECTURER (CONT'D)

Live a happy life and be grateful for

who you are.

The Lecturer abruptly exists leaving the class alone.

JOSH
(perplexed)

Alrighty then.

CUT TO:

EXT. UNIVERSITY - CONTINUOUS

Josh walks out into the hallway, slightly numb.

KYAH

Hey Josh! What are you doing here?

JOSH

Oh hey Kyah. I was at a real life

drawing class.

KYAH

Oh the one with the wheelchair?

JOSH

Yeah.

KYAH

Its amazing. Hey have you spoken to

Hannah?

JOSH

What? Oh yeah I suggested that she

take her time and that maybe you

should try staying over in the van, so

you dont freak her out.

"The Mask" 50.

KYAH

Oh.. Good idea. Are you ok?

JOSH

Yeah I just need some time to process,

Ill see you later.

CUT TO:

EXT. OLD SHARE HOUSE - LATER

Josh finds himself wandering the street before arriving at

the old share house.

Ella is sitting up on the roof in the back yard.

JOSH

Ella? What are you doing up there?

ELLA

Oh hey Josh, dont worry, no one is

living here.

JOSH

Yeah I know.

Josh climbs a ladder onto the roof.

ELLA

What are you doing?

JOSH

Visiting.

ELLA

Visiting who?

JOSH

Ok this might sound stupid..

ELLA

Go on.
"The Mask" 51.

JOSH

I think I wanted to visit the happy

memories here.
(half beat)

ELLA

I saw Tom today, he was out for a bike

ride with a girl. Tom! On a bike Josh.

JOSH
(nodding)

Yep.

ELLA

Im not sure I fully appreciated what

we had so.. I guess thats why Im

visiting too. Its where I felt most

happy.
(half beat)

JOSH

Do you think we are scared of change?

ELLA

Maybe not change, maybe its accepting

good things that are in our life, even

when they are right in our face.

JOSH

Hmmm.
(beat)

I always thought lifes biggest lesson

was to only trust people who like big

butts.
"The Mask" 52.

ELLA

Because they cannot lie?

Josh and Ella sing Sir Mix-A-Lot Baby Got Back lyrics.

JOSH/ELLA
(singing)

You other brothers can't deny

That when a girl walks in with an

itty, bitty waist

And a round thing in your face

You get sprung, wanna pull up tough

'Cuz you notice that butt was stuffed

So fellas, fellas, has your girlfriend

got the butt?

Well shake it, shake it, shake it,

shake it

Shake that healthy butt, baby got back

CUT TO:

TITLES - CREDITS

FADE OUT.

THE END