King Pest Edgar Allan Poe

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1835

KING PEST

Edgar Allan Poe

Poe, Edgar Allan (1809-49) - American poet, short-story writer, and critic who is
best known for his tales of ratiocination, his fantastical horror stories, and his
genre-founding detective stories. Poe, whose cloudy personal life is a virtual
legend, considered himself primarily a poet. King Pest (1835) - A tale of the
adventures of two drunken sailors in a plague-decimated English city.
KING PEST

A Tale Containing an Allegory


The gods do bear and will allow in kings The things which they abhor in rascal
routes.
Buckhurst’s Tragedy of Ferrex and Porrex. ABOUT twelve o’clock, one night in
the month of October, and during the chivalrous reign of the third Edward, two
seamen belonging to the crew of the “Free and Easy,” a trading schooner plying
between Sluys and the Thames, and then at anchor in that river, were much
astonished to find themselves seated in the tap-room of an ale-house in the
parish of St. Andrews, London —which alehouse bore for sign the portraiture of
a “Jolly Tar.” The room, although ill-contrived, smoke-blackened, low-pitched,
and in every other respect agreeing with the general character of such places at
the period —was, nevertheless, in the opinion of the grotesque groups scattered
here and there within it, sufficiently well adapted to its purpose.
Of these groups our two seamen formed, I think, the most interesting, if not the
most conspicuous.
The one who appeared to be the elder, and whom his companion addressed by
the characteristic appellation of “Legs,” was at the same time much the taller of
the two. He might have measured six feet and a half, and an habitual stoop in
the shoulders seemed to have been the necessary consequence of an altitude so
enormous.—Superfluities in height were, however, more than accounted for by
deficiencies in other respects. He was exceedingly thin; and might, as his
associates asserted, have answered, when drunk, for a pennant at the mast-head,
or, when sober, have served for a jib-boom. But these jests, and others of a
similar nature, had evidently produced, at no time, any effect upon the
cachinnatory muscles of the tar. With high cheek-bones, a large hawk-nose,
retreating chin, fallen underjaw, and huge protruding white eyes, the expression
of his countenance, although tinged with a species of dogged indifference to
matters and things in general, was not the less utterly solemn and serious
beyond all attempts at imitation or description.
The younger seaman was, in all outward appearance, the converse of his
companion. His stature could not have exceeded four feet. A pair of stumpy
bow-legs supported his squat, unwieldy figure, while his unusually short and
thick arms, with no ordinary fists at their extremities, swung off dangling from
his sides like the fins of a sea-turtle. Small eyes, of no particular color, twinkled
far back in his head. His nose remained buried in the mass of flesh which
enveloped his round, full, and purple face; and his thick upper-lip rested upon
the still thicker one beneath with an air of complacent self-satisfaction, much
heightened by the owner’s habit of licking them at intervals. He evidently
regarded his tall shipmate with a feeling half-wondrous, half-quizzical; and
stared up occasionally in his face as the red setting sun stares up at the crags of
Ben Nevis.
Various and eventful, however, had been the peregrinations of the worthy
couple in and about the different tap-houses of the neighbourhood during the
earlier hours of the night. Funds even the most ample, are not always
everlasting: and it was with empty pockets our friends had ventured upon the
present hostelrie.
At the precise period, then, when this history properly commences, Legs, and his
fellow Hugh Tarpaulin, sat, each with both elbows resting upon the large oaken
table in the middle of the floor, and with a hand upon either cheek. They were
eyeing, from behind a huge flagon of unpaid-for “humming-stuff,” the
portentous words, “No Chalk,” which to their indignation and astonishment
were scored over the doorway by means of that very mineral whose presence
they purported to deny. Not that the gift of decyphering written characters —a
gift among the commonalty of that day considered little less cabalistical than the
art of inditing —could, in strict justice, have been laid to the charge of either
disciple of the sea; but there was, to say the truth, a certain twist in the formation
of the letters —an indescribable lee-lurch about the whole—which foreboded, in
the opinion of both seamen, a long run of dirty weather; and determined them at
once, in the allegorical words of Legs himself, to “pump ship, clew up all sail,
and scud before the wind.”
Having accordingly disposed of what remained of the ale, and looped up the
points of their short doublets, they finally made a bolt for the street. Although
Tarpaulin rolled twice into the fire-place, mistaking it for the door, yet their
escape was at length happily effected —and half after twelve o’clock found our
heroes ripe for mischief, and running for life down a dark alley in the direction
of St. Andrew’s Stair, hotly pursued by the landlady of the “Jolly Tar.” At the
epoch of this eventful tale, and periodically, for many years before and after, all
England, but more especially the metropolis, resounded with the fearful cry of
“Plague!” The city was in a great measure depopulated —and in those horrible
regions, in the vicinity of the Thames, where amid the dark, narrow, and filthy
lanes and alleys, the Demon of Disease was supposed to have had his nativity,
Awe, Terror, and Superstition were alone to be found stalking abroad.
By authority of the king such districts were placed under ban, and all persons
forbidden, under pain of death, to intrude upon their dismal solitude. Yet
neither the mandate of the monarch, nor the huge barriers erected at the
entrances of the streets, nor the prospect of that loathsome death which, with
almost absolute certainty, overwhelmed the wretch whom no peril could deter
from the adventure, prevented the unfurnished and untenanted dwellings from
being stripped, by the hand of nightly rapine, of every article, such as iron,
brass, or lead-work, which could in any manner be turned to a profitable
account.
Above all, it was usually found, upon the annual winter opening of the barriers,
that locks, bolts, and secret cellars, had proved but slender protection to those
rich stores of wines and liquors which, in consideration of the risk and trouble of
removal, many of the numerous dealers having shops in the neighbourhood had
consented to trust, during the period of exile, to so insufficient a security.
But there were very few of the terror-stricken people who attributed these
doings to the agency of human hands. Pest-spirits, plague-goblins, and fever-
demons, were the popular imps of mischief; and tales so blood-chilling were
hourly told, that the whole mass of forbidden buildings was, at length,
enveloped in terror as in a shroud, and the plunderer himself was often scared
away by the horrors his own depreciations had created; leaving the entire vast
circuit of prohibited district to gloom, silence, pestilence, and death.
It was by one of the terrific barriers already mentioned, and which indicated the
region beyond to be under the Pest-ban, that, in scrambling down an alley, Legs
and the worthy Hugh Tarpaulin found their progress suddenly impeded. To
return was out of the question, and no time was to be lost, as their pursuers were
close upon their heels. With thorough-bred seamen to clamber up the roughly
fashioned plank-work was a trifle; and, maddened with the twofold excitement
of exercise and liquor, they leaped unhesitatingly down within the enclosure,
and holding on their drunken course with shouts and yellings, were soon
bewildered in its noisome and intricate recesses.
Had they not, indeed, been intoxicated beyond moral sense, their reeling
footsteps must have been palsied by the horrors of their situation. The air was
cold and misty. The paving-stones, loosened from their beds, lay in wild
disorder amid the tall, rank grass, which sprang up around the feet and ankles.
Fallen houses choked up the streets. The most fetid and poisonous smells
everywhere prevailed; —and by the aid of that ghastly light which, even at
midnight, never fails to emanate from a vapory and pestilential at atmosphere,
might be discerned lying in the by-paths and alleys, or rotting in the windowless
habitations, the carcass of many a nocturnal plunderer arrested by the hand of
the plague in the very perpetration of his robbery.
• But it lay not in the power of images, or sensations, or impediments such as
these, to stay the course of men who, naturally brave, and at that time especially,
brimful of courage and of “humming-stuff!” would have reeled, as straight as
their condition might have permitted, undauntedly into the very jaws of Death.
Onward —still onward stalked the grim Legs, making the desolate solemnity
echo and re-echo with yells like the terrific war-whoop of the Indian: and
onward, still onward rolled the dumpy Tarpaulin, hanging on to the doublet of
his more active companion, and far surpassing the latter’s most strenuous
exertions in the way of vocal music, by bull-roarings in basso, from the
profundity of his stentorian lungs.
They had now evidently reached the strong hold of the pestilence. Their way at
every step or plunge grew more noisome and more horrible —the paths more
narrow and more intricate. Huge stones and beams falling momently from the
decaying roofs above them, gave evidence, by their sullen and heavy descent, of
the vast height of the surrounding houses; and while actual exertion became
necessary to force a passage through frequent heaps of rubbish, it was by no
means seldom that the hand fell upon a skeleton or rested upon a more fleshly
corpse.
Suddenly, as the seamen stumbled against the entrance of a tall and
ghastlylooking building, a yell more than usually shrill from the throat of the
excited Legs, was replied to from within, in a rapid succession of wild, laughter-
like, and fiendish shrieks. Nothing daunted at sounds which, of such a nature, at
such a time, and in such a place, might have curdled the very blood in hearts less
irrevocably on fire, the drunken couple rushed headlong against the door, burst
it open, and staggered into the midst of things with a volley of curses.
The room within which they found themselves proved to be the shop of an
undertaker; but an open trap-door, in a corner of the floor near the entrance,
looked down upon a long range of wine-cellars, whose depths the occasional
sound of bursting bottles proclaimed to be well stored with their appropriate
contents. In the middle of the room stood a table —in the centre of which again
arose a huge tub of what appeared to be punch. Bottles of various wines and
cordials, together with jugs, pitchers, and flagons of every shape and quality,
were scattered profusely upon the board. Around it, upon coffin-tressels, was
seated a company of six. This company I will endeavor to delineate one by one.
Fronting the entrance, and elevated a little above his companions, sat a
personage who appeared to be the president of the table. His stature was gaunt
and tall, and Legs was confounded to behold in him a figure more emaciated
than himself.
His face was as yellow as saffron —but no feature excepting one alone, was
sufficiently marked to merit a particular description. This one consisted in a
forehead so unusually and hideously lofty, as to have the appearance of a bonnet
or crown of flesh superadded upon the natural head. His mouth was puckered
and dimpled into an expression of ghastly affability, and his eyes, as indeed the
eyes of all at table, were glazed over with the fumes of intoxication. This
gentleman was clothed from head to foot in a richly-embroidered black silk-
velvet pall, wrapped negligently around his form after the fashion of a Spanish
cloak. —His head was stuck full of sable hearse-plumes, which he nodded to
and fro with a jaunty and knowing air; and, in his right hand, he held a huge
human thigh-bone, with which he appeared to have been just knocking down
some member of the company for a song.
Opposite him, and with her back to the door, was a lady of no whit the less
extraordinary character. Although quite as tall as the person just described, she
had no right to complain of his unnatural emaciation. She was evidently in the
last stage of a dropsy; and her figure resembled nearly that of the huge
puncheon of October beer which stood, with the head driven in, close by her
side, in a corner of the chamber. Her face was exceedingly round, red, and full;
and the same peculiarity, or rather want of peculiarity, attached itself to her
countenance, which I before mentioned in the case of the president —that is to
say, only one feature of her face was sufficiently distinguished to need a separate
characterization: indeed the acute Tarpaulin immediately observed that the same
remark might have applied to each individual person of the party; every one of
whom seemed to possess a monopoly of some particular portion of
physiognomy. With the lady in question this portion proved to be the mouth.
Commencing at the right ear, it swept with a terrific chasm to the left —the short
pendants which she wore in either auricle continually bobbing into the aperture.
She made, however, every exertion to keep her mouth closed and look dignified,
in a dress consisting of a newly starched and ironed shroud coming up close
under her chin, with a crimpled ruffle of cambric muslin.
At her right hand sat a diminutive young lady whom she appeared to patronise.
This delicate little creature, in the trembling of her wasted fingers, in the livid
hue of her lips, and in the slight hectic spot which tinged her otherwise leaden
complexion, gave evident indications of a galloping consumption. An air of gave
extreme haut ton, however, pervaded her whole appearance; she wore in a
graceful and degage manner, a large and beautiful winding-sheet of the finest
India lawn; her hair hung in ringlets over her neck; a soft smile played about her
mouth; but her nose, extremely long, thin, sinuous, flexible and pimpled, hung
down far below her under lip, and in spite of the delicate manner in which she
now and then moved it to one side or the other with her tongue, gave to her
countenance a somewhat equivocal expression.
Over against her, and upon the left of the dropsical lady, was seated a little
puffy, wheezing, and gouty old man, whose cheeks reposed upon the shoulders
of their owner, like two huge bladders of Oporto wine. With his arms folded,
and with one bandaged leg deposited upon the table, he seemed to think himself
entitled to some consideration. He evidently prided himself much upon every
inch of his personal appearance, but took more especial delight in calling
attention to his gaudy-colored surtout. This, to say the truth, must have cost him
no little money, and was made to fit him exceedingly well —being fashioned
from one of the curiously embroidered silken covers appertaining to those
glorious escutcheons which, in England and elsewhere, are customarily hung
up, in some conspicuous place, upon the dwellings of departed aristocracy.
Next to him, and at the right hand of the president, was a gentleman in long
white hose and cotton drawers. His frame shook, in a ridiculous manner, with a
fit of what Tarpaulin called “the horrors.” His jaws, which had been newly
shaved, were tightly tied up by a bandage of muslin; and his arms being
fastened in a similar way at the wrists, I I prevented him from helping himself
too freely to the liquors upon the table; a precaution rendered necessary, in the
opinion of Legs, by the peculiarly sottish and wine-bibbing cast of his visage. A
pair of prodigious ears, nevertheless, which it was no doubt found impossible to
confine, towered away into the atmosphere of the apartment, and were
occasionally pricked up in a spasm, at the sound of the drawing of a cork.
Fronting him, sixthly and lastly, was situated a singularly stiff-looking
personage, who, being afflicted with paralysis, must, to speak seriously, have
felt very ill at ease in his unaccommodating habiliments. He was habited,
somewhat uniquely, in a new and handsome mahogany coffin. Its top or head-
piece pressed upon the skull of the wearer, and extended over it in the fashion of
a hood, giving to the entire face an air of indescribable interest. Arm-holes had
been cut in the sides, for the sake not more of elegance than of convenience; but
the dress, nevertheless, prevented its proprietor from sitting as erect as his
associates; and as he lay reclining against his tressel, at an angle of forty-five
degrees, a pair of huge goggle eyes rolled up their awful whites towards the
celling in absolute amazement at their own enormity.
Before each of the party lay a portion of a skull, which was used as a drinking
cup. Overhead was suspended a human skeleton, by means of a rope tied round
one of the legs and fastened to a ring in the ceiling. The other limb, confined by
no such fetter, stuck off from the body at right angles, causing the whole loose
and rattling frame to dangle and twirl about at the caprice of every occasional
puff of wind which found its way into the apartment. In the cranium of this
hideous thing lay quantity of ignited charcoal, which threw a fitful but vivid
light over the entire scene; while coffins, and other wares appertaining to the
shop of an undertaker, were piled high up around the room, and against the
windows, preventing any ray from escaping into the street.
At sight of this extraordinary assembly, and of their still more extraordinary
paraphernalia, our two seamen did not conduct themselves with that degree of
decorum which might have been expected. Legs, leaning against the wall near
which he happened to be standing, dropped his lower jaw still lower than usual,
and spread open his eyes to their fullest extent: while Hugh Tarpaulin, stooping
down so as to bring his nose upon a level with the table, and spreading out a
palm upon either knee, burst into a long, loud, and obstreperous roar of very ill-
timed and immoderate laughter.
Without, however, taking offence at behaviour so excessively rude, the tall
president smiled very graciously upon the intruders —nodded to them in a
dignified manner with his head of sable plumes —and, arising, took each by an
arm, and led him to a seat which some others of the company had placed in the
meantime for his accommodation. Legs to all this offered not the slightest
resistance, but sat down as he was directed; while the gallant Hugh, removing
his coffin tressel from its station near the head of the table, to the vicinity of the
little consumptive lady in the winding sheet, plumped down by her side in high
glee, and pouring out a skull of red wine, quaffed it to their better acquaintance.
But at this presumption the stiff gentleman in the coffin seemed exceedingly
nettled; and serious consequences might have ensued, had not the president,
rapping upon the table with his truncheon, diverted the attention of all present
to the following speech: “It becomes our duty upon the present happy
occasion”— “Avast there!” interrupted Legs, looking very serious, “avast there a
bit, I say, and tell us who the devil ye all are, and what business ye have here,
rigged off like the foul fiends, and swilling the snug blue ruin stowed away for
the winter by my honest shipmate, Will Wimble the undertaker!” At this
unpardonable piece of ill-breeding, all the original company half started to their
feet, and uttered the same rapid succession of wild fiendish shrieks which had
before caught the attention of the seamen. The president, however, was the first
to recover his composure, and at length, turning to Legs with great dignity,
recommenced: “Most willingly will we gratify any reasonable curiosity on the
part of guests so illustrious, unbidden though they be. Know then that in these
dominions I am monarch, and here rule with undivided empire under the title of
‘King Pest the First.’ “This apartment, which you no doubt profanely suppose to
be the shop of Will Wimble the undertaker —a man whom we know not, and
whose plebeian appellation has never before this night thwarted our royal ears
—this apartment, I say, is the Dais-Chamber of our Palace, devoted to the
councils of our kingdom, and to other sacred and lofty purposes.
“The noble lady who sits opposite is Queen Pest, our Serene Consort. The other
exalted personages whom you behold are all of our family, and wear the
insignia of the blood royal under the respective titles of ‘His Grace the Arch
Duke Pest-Iferous’ —’His Grace the Duke Pest-Ilential’ —’His Grace the Duke
TemPest’ —and ‘Her Serene Highness the Arch Duchess Ana-Pest.’ “As
regards,” continued he, “your demand of the business upon which we sit here in
council, we might be pardoned for replying that it concerns, and concerns alone,
our own private and regal interest, and is in no manner important to any other
than ourself. But in consideration of those rights to which as guests and
strangers you may feel yourselves entitled, we will furthermore explain that we
are here this night, prepared by deep research and accurate investigation, to
examine, analyze, and thoroughly determine the indefinable spirit —the
incomprehensible qualities and nature —of those inestimable treasures of the
palate, the wines, ales, and liqueurs of this goodly metropolis: by so doing to
advance not more our own designs than the true welfare of that unearthly
sovereign whose reign is over us all, whose dominions are unlimited, and whose
name is ‘Death.’ “Whose name is Davy Jones!” ejaculated Tarpaulin, helping the
lady by his side to a skull of liqueur, and pouring out a second for himself.
“Profane varlet!” said the president, now turning his attention to the worthy
Hugh, “profane and execrable wretch! —we have said, that in consideration of
those rights which, even in thy filthy person, we feel no inclination to violate, we
have condescended to make reply to thy rude and unseasonable inquiries. We
nevertheless, for your unhallowed intrusion upon our councils, believe it our
duty to mulct thee and thy companion in each a gallon of Black Strap —having
imbibed which to the prosperity of our kingdom —at a single draught —and
upon your bended knees —ye shall be forthwith free either to proceed upon
your way, or remain and be admitted to the privileges of our table, according to
your respective and individual pleasures.” “It would be a matter of utter
impossibility,” replied Legs, whom the assumptions and dignity of King Pest the
First had evidently inspired some feelings of respect, and who arose and
steadied himself by the table as he spoke —“It would, please your majesty, be a
matter of utter impossibility to stow away in my hold even one-fourth part of the
same liquor which your majesty has just mentioned.
To say nothing of the stuffs placed on board in the forenoon by way of ballast,
and not to mention the various ales and liqueurs shipped this evening at
different sea-ports, I have, at present, a full cargo of ‘humming stuff’ taken in
and duly paid for at the sign of the ‘Jolly Tar.’ You will, therefore, please your
majesty, be so good as to take the will for the deed —for by no manner of means
either can I or will I swallow another drop —least of all a drop of that villainous
bilge-water that answers to the hall of ‘Black Strap.’” “Belay that!” interrupted
Tarpaulin, astonished not more at the length of his companion’s speech than at
the nature of his refusal —“Belay that you tubber! —and I say, Legs, none of
your palaver! My hull is still light, although I confess you yourself seem to be a
little top-heavy; and as for the matter of your share of the cargo, why rather than
raise a squall I would find stowageroom for it myself, but” — “This
proceeding,” interposed the president, “is by no means in accordance with the
terms of the mulct or sentence, which is in its nature Median, and not to be
altered or recalled. The conditions we have imposed must be fulfilled to the
letter, and that without a moment’s hesitation —in failure of which fulfilment we
decree that you do here be tied neck and heels together, and duly drowned as
rebels in yon hogshead of October beer!” “A sentence! —a sentence! —a
righteous and just sentence! —a glorious decree! —a most worthy and upright,
and holy condemnation!” shouted the Pest family altogether. The king elevated
his forehead into innumerable wrinkles; the gouty little old man puffed like a
pair of bellows; the lady of the winding sheet waved her nose to and fro; the
gentleman in the cotton drawers pricked up his ears; she of the shroud gasped
like a dying fish; and he of the coffin looked stiff and rolled up his eyes.
“Ugh! ugh! ugh!” chuckled Tarpaulin without heeding the general excitation,
“ugh! ugh! ugh! —ugh! ugh! ugh! —ugh! ugh! ugh! —I was saying,” said he, “I
was saying when Mr. King Pest poked in his marlin-spike, that as for the matter
of two or three gallons more or less of Black Strap, it was a trifle to a tight
seaboat like myself not overstowed —but when it comes to drinking the health
of the Devil (whom God assoilzie) and going down upon my marrow bones to
his ill-favored majesty there, whom I know, as well as I know myself to be a
sinner, to be nobody in the whole world, but Tim Hurlygurly the stage-player —
why! it’s quite another guess sort of a thing, and utterly and altogether past my
comprehension.” He was not allowed to finish this speech in tranquillity. At the
name Tim Hurlygurly the whole assembly leaped from their name seats.
“Treason!” shouted his Majesty King Pest the First.
“Treason!” said the little man with the gout.
“Treason!” screamed the Arch Duchess Ana-Pest.
“Treason!” muttered the gentleman with his jaws tied up.
“Treason!” growled he of the coffin.
“Treason! treason!” shrieked her majesty of the mouth; and, seizing by the
hinder part of his breeches the unfortunate Tarpaulin, who had just commenced
pouring out for himself a skull of liqueur, she lifted him high into the air, and let
him fall without ceremony into the huge open puncheon of his beloved ale.
Bobbing up and down, for a few seconds, like an apple in a bowl of toddy, he, at
length, finally disappeared amid the whirlpool of foam which, in the already
effervescent liquor, his struggles easily succeeded in creating.
Not tamely, however, did the tall seaman behold the discomfiture of his
companion. Jostling King Pest through the open trap, the valiant Legs slammed
the door down upon him with an oath, and strode towards the centre of the
room.
Here tearing down the skeleton which swung over the table, he laid it about him
with so much energy and good will, that, as the last glimpses of light died away
within the apartment, he succeeded in knocking out the brains of the little
gentleman with the gout. Rushing then with all his force against the fatal
hogshead full of October ale and Hugh Tarpaulin, he rolled it over and over in
an instant. Out burst a deluge of liquor so fierce —so impetuous —so
overwhelming —that the room was flooded from wall to wall —the loaded table
was overturned —the tressels were thrown upon their backs —the tub of punch
into the fire-place —and the ladies into hysterics. Piles of death-furniture
floundered about. Jugs, pitchers, and carboys mingled promiscuously in the
melee, and wicker flagons encountered desperately with bottles of junk. The
man with the horrors was drowned upon the spot-the little stiff gentleman
floated off in his coffin —and the victorious Legs, seizing by the waist the fat
lady in the shroud, rushed out with her into the street, and made a bee-line for
the “Free and Easy,” followed under easy sail by the redoubtable Hugh
Tarpaulin, who, having sneezed three or four times, panted and puffed after him
with the Arch Duchess Ana-Pest. -

THE END

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