Faith to

Forgive
By: Jodi Lynn Hill

Satan is out to destroy the Traditional Family. He will use

whatever means he can to make life difficult. Hi! My name is
Jodi Lynn Hill. I’ll never forget the day that I was snatched up
from the very clutches of Hell. I may have only been five years
old at the time, but my salvation experience was just as profound
then as it is today.

Here is the story of how it all began*

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The First Beginning:
My story actually begins before my conception. It is so
connected with my mothers` story that I almost have to start
there. My mother has dealt with years of rejection, first by her
father, then, by 2 failed marriages and an affair with a man that
resulted in an unplanned pregnancy (Me). I have never met my
biological father, nor my mother’s 1st husband or 2nd husband and
his children. Her 3rd marriage was verbally, emotionally and
otherwise abusive (though not physically that I know of). She
stayed married to her 3rd husband out of obligation and guilt. In
1996, she found out that the man she knew as her dad was not her
biological father. Infidelity was a family bondage. My mother
found Jesus around age 39 when I was about 2 years old. This
was 3 years before I gave my life to Christ.

A New Beginning:
It was a warm summer night. My mother and I were invited to a
service at a small Baptist church. I remember a lot of people
going up front and was trying to figure out what was going on. I
wanted to see what people were going up to get. I asked mom to
take me, but she did not really believe that I would understand so
she wouldn’t. Finally, after my asking several times, our
neighbor, whom we came with, decided she would take me to the
front. The Pastor asked me if I knew what was happening. I
shrugged my shoulders and shook my head, but said that I wanted
to. He called over his wife and she took me to a room off the side
of the platform. She read some scriptures and explained them to
me. After a few questions and laying out the plan of salvation, I
repeated a prayer after her. Even at that young age, I had a new
awareness of everything around me. When we left the church that
night, I looked around at the stars and the moon and shouted,
“Mom, aren’t the stars beautiful tonight?!” From that day
forward, my life was profoundly changed. I believe that God
drew me in at an early age because He knew that I would need
Him very much in the next few years.

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Shame and Rejection:
Not long after my salvation experience, my mother met Richard.
He would be marriage #3 and this would forever alter my life. We
moved from “Big town”, Washington to “Small town”, North
Dakota. I did not like nor trust Richard from the very beginning.
He made me uncomfortable, but at age 6, I did not have a "voice"
in the situation. He adopted me against my choice, so I was
forced to make his name mine. By age 10, I physically
developed more quickly than the other girls my age. I spent most
of my time avoiding him, but he took advantage of my need for a
father love by his crude behavior, lewd jokes, and watching me
dress through the window. I spent the next 5 years hiding from
his voyeuristic eyes. From that time on, I found myself
overwhelmed with shame, inferiority, low self worth and self-
hatred, making many negative inner vows. Even though I still
struggle with these things from time to time, I’m thankful that
God is a healing God.

Because of my tumultuous home life and the persecution and

rejection in school, I spent much of my life in and out of
depression, although, I did not identify it as such. I was "Down
in the dumps" A LOT! My therapy was the poetry and song
lyrics that I wrote. I sang and also, buried myself in books:
fiction and the Bible, as well as, study books. I surrounded
myself with younger children thinking that I was children’s
minister and was trying to reach out to kids. Later, however, I
realized it was a means of escape and was trying to build my own
self-esteem. I enjoyed the attention as much as I enjoyed the
admiration. Believe me, true worth and esteem comes from
Christ alone.

A Call to Ministry:
Despite my abusive household, I had a strong love and
commitment to Jesus Christ. He was my strength. I love
studying the scripture and spending time in relationship with
Him. I had felt a call to the ministry when I was about 8 years
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old, but it was confirmed in my heart at age 16. I moved out
when I was 17 and started working at a Christian Camp for the
summer. I later moved to Rugby and then to Fargo. In Fargo, I
began working at my local church becoming involved in any area
of ministry that needed help. I learned most of my knowledge of
church ministry during that time. The church I belonged to also
did a lot of outreach ministries. Both areas (pastoral and
evangelistic) were amazing to me and I worked hard to
understand each and grow in my faith. Several years after
moving to Fargo, I met Blair and we were married 6 months later.

It amazes me how my abuse affected so many areas of my life

and relationships. I struggle with a fear of relating to people so I
avoid relationships or over-compensate by attaching too quickly.
I tend to feel most comfortable in a caretaker role, but strongly
desire for someone to take care of me. My husband and I
continue to work on the communication in our marriage. I also
have to deal with feelings of dread over my children and the fear
that they may get taken advantage of by someone we trust. I
continually remind myself that God is a better caretaker than I
am, and that He is in control. I need not walk in fear, only love.

Faith to Forgive:
There was a point in my life that I began to learn about
forgiveness. I realized I had to make a decision to forgive Dad.
Even though I didn’t feel like forgiving him, I knew the only way
to begin to heal was to walk in obedience and give my desire for
retaliation over to God. I had no feelings of forgiveness within
me, but I made a decision to walk in obedience and forgiveness.
Perhaps, some day, the feeling would come. I forgave by faith.

Not quite one year after Blair and I were married, probably in the
fall of 1994, I was getting ready to go to work. I was suddenly
struck with an overwhelming love and forgiveness for Richard. I
found out years after he abused me, that he was also a victim of
sexual abuse by a hired man and physical abuse by his father. I
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started to weep as Jesus flooded me with compassion for
Richards` own abuse and his inability to forgive. God started to
change me as I handed over to him years of anger and hurt. I will
never forget that day. I hadn’t felt so free in all my life. Even so,
I’ve had to realize that forgiveness is an every day thing. Some
days I don’t feel like forgiving him. Those days, I ask Jesus to
forgive him for me. I made a decision to walk in forgiveness
whether I felt like it or not and that is what I will do.

Healing:
I didn’t realize how much healing there is in forgiveness until in
1998, two days after my 28th birthday, while my husband and I
were watching an episode of “Touched By An Angel”, my mother
called me and told me Richard was in cardiac arrest and wasn’t
expected to make it through the night. We quickly left and drove
three hours to the hospital where Richard was. When we arrived,
he was pretty agitated, though in a coma. I told him we were
there and that I loved him, that I forgave him and asked his
forgiveness. I started to sing "Jesus Loves Me", "Amazing
Grace", and other gentle songs. One positive thing he always
said, amidst all the negative things, was that he loved my singing.
It wasn’t long and he settled down. I believe this was his
permission to go home to be with Jesus. To finally receive the
healing he’d been lacking all his life.

Several months later, after the funeral and estate sale, we had
decided that Mom should live with us. Since I was her only child
and my children her only grandchildren, this was not a difficult
decision for her. So in November of 1998, Mom moved in.

When my mother came to live with us, we had to set up some

boundaries. She likes to hug everyone, including me. This was
very smothering to me since she had been doing it all my life and
I always cringed when she would start walking toward me with
her arms open. Blair, my husband, started telling me that it was
okay for me to say no. It was very hard, but after talking to her
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and explaining my feelings we came to a compromise. That she
would ask me if she could hug me and understand if I said no.
This boundary has helped both her and me recognize and set
other boundaries. It has been a very freeing.

With the help and love of many caring and godly friends and
family and the faithful patience of my true Abba Father God,
through the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ, I have come a long
way in my healing journey. I know God’s healing in my life is
not only for the purpose of my own health, but so that I can reach
out to others who struggle with brokenness. I desire to minister
out of my healing rather than my hurt since, usually, that
produces more hurt and it glorifies the pain instead of the healing
that God can bring. I have had the opportunity to share the
healing God has brought into my life, not only with the general
public, but with prisoners, many of whom are sexual offenders.
What a healing experience; and the letters we receive from those
inmates are incredible. Many ask for forgiveness. I give it in
proxy for those they had victimized. You see, forgiveness is not
excusing the perpetrator of their behavior; rather, it is freeing the
victim of the obligation they feel to extract punishment and
repentance from the perpetrator. It is not about vengeance, it is
about freedom. What a wonderful God we serve.

Am I perfect? Absolutely not! I consider myself a wounded

healer. I desire to help others find themselves; to discover their
intended destiny in the heart of a loving, faithful and perfect God.
My heart is for young people to find that they don’t have to wait
until they are “old enough” or perfect enough to do ministry but
that they are a vital part of the Body of Christ right now. God
does not call the perfect person, but the willing person.

My God…My Everything:
God has definitely been my rock. Without my relationship with
my Lord Jesus Christ, I would not have made it. He is my
strength, my refuge, my comforter, and my peace. When I need
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a daddy, he holds me; when I need a friend, he listens to me;
when I am lonely, he speaks to me. He has always been what I
needed when I needed him.

I know God is a good God. I have a wonderful, Christian

marriage and two beautiful children who both have already come
to know the Lord and actively let everyone know that they love
Jesus. God has provided us with many blessings. We have not
been completely free from all struggle, but my Lord has been
with us every step of the way. He leads us and guides us as we
make our trek here upon this earth.

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Dear loved one of God,

God loves you and has a plan for you. You don’t have to be
perfect, just willing to open your heart to God’s perfect
love. His Son, Jesus, died on the cross for you. He knows
you and everything you’ve done or thought even in secret,
and he longs to receive you into his open arms. Just ask
him to forgive your sin of rejecting him and trying to live
your own flawed way. Invite him into your life and let him
guide you through tough decisions and comfort you in the
difficult situations. He wants to get to know you. He is
waiting for you…will you come?

Love,
Pastors Blair & Jodi