Therapist as host:

Making my guests feel welcome

By Jodi Aman

Jodi Aman can be reached at

The Center for Narrative Practice,
240 E. Ridge Rd., Rochester, NY 14617, USA.
(1-585) 544 5342, or
email: jodiaman@yahoo.com

This paper provides an account of how the

metaphor of ‘therapist as host’ can shape
therapeutic practice. It describes a range of
ways in which those seeking counselling can be
welcomed to the experience of therapy.
Particular attention is paid to welcoming
children. Considerations relating to the physical
aesthetics of consulting rooms, marketing,
documentation and the use of websites are
discussed.

Keywords: therapist as host, hospitality, welcome

The International Journal of Narrative Therapy and Community Work

2006 No. 3 www.dulwichcentre.com.au
3
GREAT GRANDMA FRANCES THERAPIST AS HOST
About a month ago, I videotaped my Webster’s Dictionary defines ‘hospitality’ as the
grandmother talk about her family when she was quality of receiving and treating guests or
young. Grandma Lily is the last of her siblings and strangers in a warm, friendly and generous way.
we wanted these stories to be ever available to us For some time now, I have been exploring how
by documenting them in this way. My grandmother practices of hospitality can influence my work as a
l oves to talk about her rich history of growing up therapist. The metaphor of a therapist being a host
first generation Italian in New York City during the was introduced to me in a workshop taught by
g reat depression. Despite this, I had never before David Epston (2003). This fit wholeheartedly with
h e a rd stories about my grandmother’s mother. how I wanted to be both personally and
The stories I heard a month ago moved me professionally. So, I stepped into the role
t remendously! So much so, that I will briefly m o re purposefully.
mention them here. Treating someone as a cherished guest
My great-grandmother Frances loved to cook addresses the power diff e rential undisputable
and bake. She raised eight children on her in a therapeutic relationship by elevating the
h u s b a n d’s small income as a barber and, it seems, status of the person who comes to consult the
fed most of New York. Grandma Lily spoke of therapist. This has been so tangible in my work
constant company being fed at my gre a t - that people have noticed. Re g a rding my office, a
grandmother’s table. Working women, her childre n’s sixteen-year-old girl mentioned: ‘It feels like this is
friends, the down-and-out, meter readers, and the a house and I am a guest’. I asked how this might
d e l i very persons, we re all treated as her cherished h a ve contributed to our conversations together and
guests. She cared for them, talked and laughed with she said: ‘It’s not like other experiences in which
them, shared their stories and comforted many of the counsellor is ‘the expert’ and I don’t know
them. Bags of chocolate chips as big as chairs we re anything and they’re telling me what to do ...
ordered regularly and, for Easter one ye a r, she I am not degraded like that’. I then asked how
ordered a crate of eggs as big as an ove n ! this might affect how she feels about herself.
Everything was consumed in the warmth of a She replied: ‘I feel like we’re equal’.1
kitchen filled with love. I can almost smell the In the context of my work as an independent
cakes and pizza! practitioner, I am interested in treating those
When the kids we re older and married, most of that come to consult me in warm, friendly and
them and their growing families still lived together generous ways from their first introduction to
in the same house. They built a store off the fro n t me (i.e., my pamphlet, my website or the
of their home and opened a small grocery and announcement on my voice mail). But this is
sandwich shop. Lily described to me that, in not all, I continue to work to make people feel
addition to the whole family, many other people welcome throughout our work and even beyo n d .
helped out in the store. People who had trouble in This commitment to help people feel welcome
their lives, we re grieving or otherwise struggling, and comfortable guides all of my actions
would be ‘taken in’ by Frances and her family by in my work.
coming to work in the store. After several months In obvious ways, it has influenced my
these helpers would be feeling much better about demeanor during phone calls and therapeutic
their lives and would then move on. This left me conversations. For example, I return phone calls
wondering about Frances. How did being in her and emails pro m p t l y. As well, I use a lot of
company affect these people so drastically? t e n t a t i ve questioning, checking in and asking
What does hospitality like this provide a person? permission during therapeutic conversations. In the
Did feeling cared for and loved make the difference rest of this paper I will further discuss less o bv i o u s
in these people’s lives or was this due to the ways, how this commitment has shaped my
c o n versations that we re shared while they m a rketing materials, the organisation and design of
ate together? my office, and my paperwork.

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MARKETING MATERIALS
The target audience guides how marketing Hello!
materials are written. In my case, I have multiple
audiences. I wanted my brochure, business cards
and website to invite interest from families and My name is Jodi and I am a counsellor.
individuals who might consult me, as well as from If you are reading this letter, you, your
referral sources. It is important to me that these parents or someone else that cares about you
materials are aesthetically pleasing – I use artwork
that has been generated by children within therapy
suggested that you come and meet with me.
consultations. It’s also important that these materials I really get excited about meeting people once
are easy to understand, and that they provide I hear about them over the phone. I love
answers to commonly asked questions. It is also
being a counsellor because I am introduced
important to me that I am transparent about the
narrative approach that I employ in therapeutic to new people all the time!
conversations and explain why I am interested in it.
I’d like to tell you a bit about what I do.
I have found that this opens the door to other
questions that people wonder about in relation to I meet with young people, parents, sometimes
our work. Being transparent is another way of grandparents and friends and talk with them
making people feel more on a level playing field about the things going on in their lives.
with me.
For example, I meet with kids who may be
At times, children are less than enthusiastic
about coming to see a therapist, especially when it worried about their parents’ separation or
is not their idea. To address this, I invite parents to divorce, kids who may feel scared about going
peruse my website with their children. In the past, to sleep at night, leaving mum or going to
I have consulted other children about what might
have been helpful to see or know about me to help
school, kids who get teased by other kids, or
them feel less apprehensive about coming to feel sad sometimes or get angry sometimes
therapy for the first time. They have told me ‘seeing and much more.
a picture of you’ and ‘seeing you smile’ would help
them to know that, ‘you are nice’. Since putting my Kids and parents usually feel much better
picture on my website I have received positive about things after we get together. This is the
feedback from similar kids who were apprehensive
best part for me!
about coming: seeing a photograph of me helped
them to feel more comfortable. If you have any questions, I would love
In a teaching context with Carolyn Markey to answer them. I can’t wait to see you in
(2006), I learned that she sends a letter to all the
children she meets with prior to the first visit.
a few days!
While this is the loveliest idea, I presently cannot
manage to put aside the extra time this would take.
Warmly,
However, I cannot ignore the merits of putting
children at ease before they visit. So, with Carolyn’s Jodi
permission, I have put a children’s welcome letter
‘Markey-style’ on my website for kids to read.

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2006 No. 3 www.dulwichcentre.com.au
5
DOCUMENTS FROM CHILDREN therapeutic consultations with children. This enables
children who are thinking of coming to therapy to
It has also been significant to include on my get a sense of the things we may be talking about.
website (www.centerfornarrativepractice.com) pictures I’ve included some examples of these documents
and documents that have been created from and pictures here:

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The International Journal of Narrative Therapy and Community Work
2006 No. 3 www.dulwichcentre.com.au
7
OFFICE (see for example the document on p.6: ‘Ways to
Get Used to Your Pa rents Getting Di vo rc e d’).
Over time, my belief grows stronger that a safe
When people come for their appointments
and cozy space does wonders in making a person
I greet them at the door and offer water, tea or
comfortable. The responses people have made
coffee. Also, in my waiting room, I am particular
regarding my office have strengthened this belief.
about the reading material I display. There are no
I have heard: ‘I feel so peaceful here’, ‘This room
publications that in any way support normative
makes me feel relaxed’. I wonder, does physical
families or negative forms of judgement. Vegetarian
comfort and a feeling of serenity affect the Times, Daughters, and Zoobooks make the cut
therapeutic process? I have read about sacred at present.
geometry, and how the sheer architecture of certain
ancient buildings can calm the mind (Artress 1995). PAPERWORK
Perhaps a calm space supports a person in getting
distance from the immediacy of their experience, Before I discuss my paperwork, I want to
therefore enhancing the effectiveness of the acknowledge the privilege of my being in
independent practice. I know this is a privilege
conversations.
because I have previously worked at agencies where
Regardless of whether or not it is therapeutically
a certain approach to counselling was required as
enhancing, my visitors seem to enjoy the decisions
well as certain paperwork, including a full
I have made about my office. It is in a central
assessment and diagnosis. Being on my own affords
location that is easy to find. It is accessible to those
me much freedom to practice in accord with my
with disabilities, in front of a bus stop, with parking
post-structuralist philosophy. However, I still have
just outside a direct first floor entrance. The décor is
some requirements as I take third-party payment
simple but cheery and interesting without being
(medical insurance). Though certain required tasks
distracting. It is all second-hand, which supports my
conflict with my values, I am going to discuss my
environmental values. The seats are comfortable and
journey in how I have come to satisfy these without
there are extra pillows and blankets so people who
sacrificing my integrity.
need comfort or suffer from pain can make
When making the decision to accept insurance,
adjustments that suit them. My many oxygen giving
I weighed the unwanted requirements with the
plants make up for my one regret – very few
opportunity to be available to people who could not
windows, none of which open.
pay for my consultation out of pocket. Accepting
I have almost no knickknacks on the table and insurance allows many people to consult me at little
floor surfaces to avoid pare n t s’ worries that their or no cost. This inspired me to develop a way to
child might be touching something that they are not comply with insurance companies while minimising
supposed to. I learned this from other spaces where the effect on a person’s identity conclusions. This is
I worked when I had to use rooms that we re a work in progress however, as I am always
someone else’s and their things we re eve r y w h e re. changing my paperwork in response to people’s
Now I have a coffee table with only a box of feedback, requests and questions as well as my own
tissues, a tray of magnet toys and two mugs of new ideas.
colourful markers. Under the magnet tray I hide The welcome letter is my most significant work
drawing paper. Kids get to feel special that they are in progress. The intention is to give people
in on a secret when I disclose my very ‘secret stash’! information on the first day we meet. Included in the
I chose to have a couch in my office after some letter is the standard privacy (confidentiality),
experimenting. Kids often choose to sit close to emergency contact and payment information.
their parents, half on their lap, cuddling between However, I have recently added paragraphs that
them and/or holding their hands. Some of this is I hope will serve to decrease the power difference
not physically possible in individual chairs. between myself and the people who consult me.
Significantly, when children demonstrate skills and One of these new paragraphs includes a
k n owledge about ‘cuddling for comfort’, we can description of the purposes I have for recording my
build upon this in our therapeutic conve r s a t i o n s work. I hope this transparency helps people know

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I love and care about what I do and how I am obligated to fill out and send to the insurance
helping; and therefore consider them and their lives agency. Within these forms is a section for
very important: ‘diagnosis’ and I realised that filling this out on my
I am currently participating in a year long own did not sit right. When I made a commitment to
Narrative Therapy Diploma program (until be transparent about how I fill out this section of
March 2007). As a means of developing our the insurance claim form, I decided to add a further
skills, the faculty requires that we record and paragraph to my welcome letter. This is what I
review our therapeutic conversations added:
regularly. This means I may record (audio or If I am billing your medical insurance for our
video) some of our sessions and listen/watch meetings, please note that I am required to
them myself to critique my own work. bill under a diagnosis code. The most
Recorded sessions are not a requisite to us common codes I use are adjustment disorder
working together. You may decline consent. with depressed mood or with anxiety. I
Tapes are stored in a locked cabinet to which understand that circumstances in our lives are
only I have access. They are recorded always changing and we are always
over once reviewed. adjusting. Yet, ‘disorder’ would not be a word
that I would use if not required. Other than
The next new paragraph is about replicating this mention, I usually complete this billing
people’s stories outside the context of the therapy form outside of our therapeutic meetings.
room. Though this does not break any privacy laws, Please feel free to ask me any questions
and consulting a supervisor is deemed professional, about this or let me know if you want to
I often wonder if the general public knows this. participate more fully in completing the billing
I even supply names of the therapists I meet with form.
for ‘peer supervision’ in case anyone knows them
and this may affect their decision in granting All other paperwork is written in collaboration.
permission: Notes (that I have asked permission to write) and
Though I am bound by the ethics of documents that are created during meetings are
confidentiality, it may be helpful for the often copied and taken home by the families
following professional reasons to share consulting me. Letters to other agencies or
stories of people that I work with: in peer documents needed for other services are written
supervision (with Eileen Hurley, Michael together during our meeting. Letters to doctors are
Boucher, Ted Aman and Gene McCabe, John written as therapeutic letters to the person
Karl), in teaching contexts (myself training consulting me with doctors copied in.
other counsellors), and in the writing There is one final piece of paperwork that
assignments of the Narrative Diploma I will mention here. I have recently created a
Program noted earlier. I never use names or questionnaire to assist me to take care with
other identifying information, so this does not how to relate to those who have consulted me in
conflict with privacy laws. However, ethics of counselling if I meet up with them in public settings.
collaboration guide me to still request It is completely optional whether people fill out this
consent. For example, your story is yours and questionnaire and return it to me:
not mine to represent unless I have your The idea for the following questionnaire came
permission. out of an assignment within my training
program. I began to worry about how I ought
I committed to a further addition to the welcome to relate to you when we bump into each
letter after reading and reflecting on Sue Mann’s other out and about. My concerns involve
(2000) article Collaborative Representation: Narrative making sure people feel my caring and
ideas in practice. I realised that the only bit of thoughtfulness, while at the same time
paperwork I had not previously been transparent protecting their privacy. I want to be
about was the insurance claim form that I am considerate, but am worried that I haven’t

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 thought of all possible considerations. I am NOTES
interested to learn what you think and will 1
Of course, even with significant practices of hospitality,
appreciate any ideas you have. The there will always remain a power differential in
information I gather will guide me in my work therapeutic relationships. I have found Michael White’s
chapter on ‘Therapeutic relationship’ in Narratives of
with families and individuals for years to
Therapists’ Lives very helpful in relation to this. In this
come. chapter, White discusses a ‘two way account of therapy’
1. What would you like me to be mindful of that intends to ‘undermine the rigidity of the power
relation of the therapeutic context’ (White 1997).
when I meet you outside my office?
2. Do you want me to acknowledge you?
REFERENCES
If yes, in what ways would you prefer
Artress, L. 1995: Walking a Sacred Path. New York:
that I acknowledge you?
Roverhead Books.
3. Would you like to be introduced to Epston, D. 2003: Workshop Notes, Toronto, May.
friends and family if they are with me? Mann, S. 2000: ‘Collaborative representation: Narrative
How shall I introduce you? ideas in practice.’ In Gecko: a journal of
deconstruction and narrative ideas in therapeutic
4. Try to imagine that we meet in a grocery practice, 2:39-49.
store or park after we haven’t met in Markey, C. 2006: Workshop within International Training
session in my office for a long time, what Program in Narrative Therapy, Dulwich Centre,
– if anything – different would you want Adelaide, February.
me to be thinking about? White, M. 1997: Narratives of Therapists’ Lives. Adelaide:
Dulwich Centre Publications.

SUMMARY
In this article, I have attempted to share my
historic and current hopes of being a hospitable
therapist. I have talked about how my guests’
comfort guides my marketing materials, my office
and my paperwork. I am constantly learning and
acting according to these learnings to increase
people’s comfort. This process is an enjoyable one
for me, as I realise that, while I am not making pizza
in the Bronx, I am not so far removed from my Great
Grandma Frances. In fact, she is more present to me
than ever!

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