The Butler Did It Script

A
Butler Did It!

by Robert Scott
Characters:
Andrew Butler - A movie star with a shady secret.
Kimberly Butler - Andrew’s new wife.
Freddie Butler - Andrew’s brother. A compulsive gambler.
Colin Butler - Andrew’s brother; a nervous wreck.
Ester Butler - Colin’s Wife.
Sally Ann Downing - An eccentric confused maid.
Jasper King Jnr - A 104-year-old Butler.
Francesca Bloom – the Butler brothers’ aunt
Detective Bridge - A weary detective.
Detective Henderson - An enthusiastic detective.
Dawson - A temporary laywer assigned to the case.
Assassin
Reporter/Judge/Jury Voices
Published by Lazy Bee Scripts

A Butler Did It!
Act 1
Scene 1 - Andrew’s Interrogation:
(The Curtains are closed. Spotlight on the interrogation table at the side of the stage. Andrew sits at
the interrogation table next to Dawson. Andrew is clearly uneasy.)
Andrew: I can only imagine what the world is saying out there. If only they knew how it all
happened. I’m ruined. Ruined I tell you.
Dawson: Sorry, can I say something? Do you believe in fate Mr Butler, because I do. I mean, I
shouldn’t say this, but if Mr McConn hadn’t had acute appendicitis, and if Miss Donaldson wasn’t on
maternity leave and if… well you know, this hadn’t happened, and that hadn’t happened, then I’d still
be stuck in the office doing document reviews and cite checking instead of being here with you…
Doctor Bungledoor, I mean Andrew Butler, representing you and your family against this unjust
slander. If it isn’t fate that brought us together, I don’t know what it is. And I don’t mind saying, I find
it all a little bit exciting.
Andrew: Exciting? Exciting isn’t the word I’d use for it Dawson. I’m on a murder charge.
Dawson: You didn’t do it.
Andrew: Of course not.
Dawson: And together we’ll prove it! And in the meantime, you know what they say, ‘there’s no such
thing as bad publicity’. I know it’s probably not the best time to ask, but when this is all over… could
you possibly sign my T Shirt?
(Bridge and Henderson enter and sit opposite. Bridge clicks on the tape machine.)
Henderson: Interview resumed at 11:36. Present is Detective Bridge, myself Detective Henderson with
Mr Andrew Butler and his temporary attorney.
Bridge: Well, well, well! If it isn’t the famous Andrew Butler. Star of stage and screen. How the
mighty have fallen sir. I saw you on the T.V. just a week ago in that comedy thing ‘No Flies On Me’.
Quite ironic, sunshine, cause there must be hundreds of flies on you now as you’re up to your neck in it!
That’s not to say I don’t appreciate being in the presence of a fine actor. I’ve seen proof of your talent.
Although, I love a good work of fiction as much as the next person, there is a time and a place, and this
is not it. I can smell a story you know, Mr. Butler, and this has the unmistakable aroma of S H one T.
Dawson: Have you a question for my client, Detective, or can we leave? (Smiles proudly at
Andrew.)
Henderson: Oh we have plenty of questions, don’t you worry about that. It’s answers we’re short of.
For instance, there are a few things regarding the events of yesterday that don’t add up.
Andrew: Truth is often stranger than fiction.
Bridge: Come off it. We know you did it.
Andrew: And what did I do?
Bridge: I’d rather hear it from the horse’s mouth. If you know what I mean.
Andrew: Nay, detective, I’m afraid not.
Bridge: Right, enough small talk. Let’s cut to the chase. Where were you yesterday morning?
Andrew: I’m a busy man. I’m afraid you’ll have to be a little more precise Detective Bridge.
Henderson: Let’s start at about nine o’clock then.
Dawson: You don’t have to comment.
Andrew: (After a thought) No comment.
Bridge: No comment?
Andrew: No.
Bridge: And why not?
Andrew: It’s personal.
Henderson: Nothing’s personal in here, buddy.
Dawson: Mr Butler is not compelled to comment.
© 2013 by Robert Scott Page 1 www.lazybeescripts.co.uk

Bridge: Mr Butler is under suspicion of murder and looking more guilty by the second.
Andrew: Shortly after my arrival, I was in bed.
Bridge: Asleep?
Andrew: Not quite.
Henderson: I see. You mean you were otherwise (Coughs) engaged.
Andrew: Exactly.
Bridge: Any witnesses?
(Henderson gives a baffled look at Bridge who realises what he has said. Bridge becomes
embarrassed.)
Bridge: I mean, who was present at that precise moment?
Andrew: My wife.
Bridge: And do you think you’ll be able to make that stand up in court?
(Henderson’s head slowly turns to Bridge.)
Dawson: I’m sure my client can make it stand up anywhere, Detective.
Henderson: What Detective Bridge is trying to say is that we cannot locate your wife, but of course you
know why that’s the case don’t you?
Dawson: Is this vulgar charade going anywhere?
Bridge: Has your client some pressing engagement?
Andrew: Fine. You want the truth then I’ll tell you. (Pause.) What’s the point? You’ll never believe
me. Have you ever dug a hole so big that you couldn’t get out of it?
Bridge: Gardening sir?
Andrew: Murder Inspector! Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin. Yesterday was my Aunt’s
funeral, Francesca Bloom. It was a day I’ll never forget. I can remember it as clearly as if it were
being played out right now to the sound of a dreamy harp.
Scene 2 - Friday 8:00am:

(Dreamy harp plays. Spotlight fades. Curtains open and lights up on main stage. We see a grand
lounge with a front door Stage Left and a kitchen door Stage Right. Near the front door is a closet
for hanging coats. Centrestage is a sofa with a coffee table in front. There is also a drinks cabinet
Downstage Right. There is a fireplace Upstage Centre with various ornaments including a large
candlestick. Above the fireplace is an imposing portrait of the owner of the house; the late Francesca
Bloom. The doorbell is heard. Slowly Jasper Jr. enters from the kitchen and, with a pace that would
make a snail impatient, eventually makes it to the front door.)
Jasper: Hello Mister Freddie.
Freddie: (Offstage) Good lord, it’s true. J.J aren’t you the sight for sore eyes! You don’t look a day
over eighty-five. (Enters and looks around his surroundings) Am I the first?
Jasper: You are.
Freddie: Damn. The trouble with being punctual is that there’s no one to appreciate it.
Jasper: In fact you are early sir.
Freddie: I was hoping to catch Andrew. He is coming isn’t he?
Jasper: So I believe Mister Freddie.
Freddie: Good. (Looking around the room) I wondered if you’d remember me. It’s been a few
years since I was last here.
Jasper: It has.
Freddie: Who else is coming?
Jasper: Your brother Colin and his wife Ester and Andrew and his new wife Kimberly.
Freddie: Kimberly! Nothing like bringing her down to earth with a bump. Straight from her
honeymoon to this. A wedding and a funeral in ten days. It sounds like one of Andrew’s ‘rom com’
films. I didn’t see you at their wedding.
Jasper: I wasn’t invited.

Freddie: Don’t feel bad. It was a showbiz event. Hollywood is a long way from here. Even Colin
didn’t go. You know I think this is the first occasion all us brothers have been in the same room for ten
years or more. I still see Andrew from time to time and Colin once in a blue moon but… never the
twain shall meet. You know how it is with family. I must say it’s surprise to see you still working
here. I thought you’d have kicked the… um packed it in by now.
Jasper: I was promised by George Bloom I had a job for life, and I still have plenty of life in me yet.
(Chesty cough) I bet you don’t remember your Uncle George do you? He passed away when you were
still small.
Freddie: No I don’t.
Jasper: Francesca was very lonely after he died.
Freddie: (Handing Jasper his coat and looking out of the window) Finally got rid of the tree then?
Jasper: Yes. Cut it down last July. (Hanging his coat up in the closet.)
Freddie: (Looking at the portrait) Bloody hell. I’ve never seen that portrait before. Francesca does
look stern.
Jasper: The tits were all over the place!
Freddie: Pardon?
Jasper: When we cut the tree down. The tits weren’t happy at all. They used to nest in a hole in the
trunk. When they came back and saw what I’d done to their home, well they were not happy, not happy
at all. And in my experience sir there is nothing worse than an angry tit.
Freddie: I imagine not.
Jasper: It was a big mistake cutting down that tree. We used to get all sorts of wildlife around here.
Now nothing. Blackbirds, sparrows, woodpigeons, all gone!
Freddie: (Trying to make a joke) I suppose the pecker has gone too.
Jasper: (Seriously) Don’t be absurd. I haven’t seen a pecker in these parts for twenty years.
Freddie: Now that sounds like my aunt talking.
(Letters are posted through the door. Freddie picks them up.)
Freddie: Look at all these with Francesca’s name on them. Bill… bill… final demand… and
another… Good lord I didn’t realise. (Looking at one) Oh this one is for you J.J.
Jasper: Really? (Taking it) Oh it’s from them again.
Freddie: It looks serious.
Jasper: Not really. Just those nice people at the council. The speedometer in my car is broken. I’ve
been meaning to get it fixed.
Freddie: Sounds dangerous.
Jasper: Not at all. The police keep sending me pictures of my car and telling me my speeding’s fine.
They’re ever such helpful people don’t you think?
Freddie: I don’t think you’ve quite understood J.J.
Jasper: Is there anything I can do for you?
Freddie: No I’m fine, thank you Jasper.
(Very slowly Jasper exits to the kitchen. Freddie watches as he leaves. He walks over to the side
cabinet and fixes himself a drink. He looks at the portrait and raises his glass.)
Freddie: Cheers Auntie Fran! (His phone rings. He answers) Hello. Yes it’s Freddie… I said I’ll
have the money… No I don’t have it on me now, but… I told you, soon! I’ll have all of it very soon.
I promise… Well kind of… I’m at my Aunt Francesca’s… Yes that’s the one… I don’t think you
will… No… ‘Cause we’re burying her at eleven-thirty… Yes well… I’m telling you by tomorrow…
You don’t know what I’m going to say yet… Well yes okay that is what I was going to say… Come
on all I’m asking for is twenty-four hours… Thank you. I won’t let you down. (He hangs up and
dials again) Andrew, where are you?… Yes I’m at the house already. Have you got the money?… Oh
thank God, you are a lifesaver. Literally!… You’ve definitely got it all haven’t you because these guys
are serious… Thank you… Yes I’ll see you in about an hour. Thanks bro. (Puts the phone down
and finishes his drink. He takes his coat and exits through the front door.)

Jasper: (Entering from the kitchen. Walks to Centrestage very slowly) Mister Freddie… oh. (Walks
back to kitchen door) Sally! Sally! He’s just left!
Sally Ann: (Entering and walking past Jasper to Downstage Centre) Don’t worry about that Jasper.
He’ll be back. All three brothers wouldn’t miss the chance to bury their auntie. They’ve wanted to do
that for years.
(Lights off. Music plays.)

(Lights up to reveal an empty stage. Laughter is heard Offstage. Enter Andrew and Kimberly
through the front door.)
Kimberly: (Still laughing) Oh Andrew you are a laugh.
Andrew: Sometimes.
Kimberly: Most of the time.
Andrew: (Kisses her on the cheek) It’s one reason why you love me isn’t it?
Kimberly: So straight off the plane and on to a funeral. It’s certainly a honeymoon I won’t forget.
Andrew: (Joking) Why wouldn’t you remember your honeymoon? Unless there have been lots of
them of course.
Kimberly: You know there haven’t. The media dug as deep as they could when you announced the
engagement. They didn’t find anything newsworthy in my past at all.
Andrew: They’ll make something up, don’t you worry.
Kimberly: Oh stop teasing. I know that a funeral is not a happy event, but at least I get to meet your
family again, and I may even get to meet Colin this time.
Andrew: You’re not missing much there. I’d better get the suitcases in. I can’t believe we have to
spend the week after our honeymoon here. Of all places.
Kimberly: It’s a lovely house.
Andrew: It’s not a house. It’s hell with lampshades.
(Briefly exiting to bring in the suitcases, including one very special one.)
Kimberly: It’s only for a couple of days. Do you want a hand?
Andrew: I’m fine thank you.
Kimberly: Don’t be silly. I’ll help you. (Goes to take the special case.)
Andrew: Honestly I can manage. You can take this one. (Hands a different case over.)
Kimberly: What’s the problem now?
Andrew: There’s no problem. (Pause.) If you must know, this case is for Freddie. I promised him
something.
Kimberly: What?
Andrew: Just something. He’s had a tough time recently.
Kimberly: He’s had a darn good time or so I’ve heard. Isn’t that why he’s in debt? (Realisation)
You’re not?…Oh Andrew you’re not bailing him out again are you? How will he learn if you and
Colin keep sorting out his messes for him?
Andrew: I’ve told him. This is the last time.
Kimberly: I’ve heard that before.
Andrew: This time I mean it. After this, he’s on his own.
Jasper: (Entering) Mister Andrew. I thought I recognised your voice.
Andrew: J.J! I wasn’t expecting to see you. Shouldn’t you be dead… I mean retired?
Jasper: You can’t keep an old man down.
Andrew: So I hear. Those pills can work wonders. Sorry, where are my manners? Kim this is Jasper
King Jr. J.J, this is my wife Kimberly.
Jasper: Pleased to meet you Mrs Butler. (To Andrew) How is Hollywood treating you?
Andrew: Same old, same old. (To Kimberly) Jasper has been here… (To Jasper) How many years?
Jasper: Sixty-four.

Andrew: I bet you’ve seen some changes in your time.
Jasper: Let me take your cases sir. (Picks up special case.)
Andrew: I don’t want you to strain yourself. (Snatches the case from Jasper) I’ll take them. Don’t
worry.
Jasper: If you insist Mister Andrew. Anything else you would like?
Andrew: I’m fine thank you.
(Jasper exits to kitchen.)
Andrew: Good old Jasper. He’ll see us all off one day. He’s a good butler. The jokes we’ve had in
the past. My name being Butler and him actually being a butler. (Laughs to himself) It was funnier if
you were there. Loyal and dependable. He had a very special relationship with my uncle. They were
very close. J.J would do anything for Uncle Georgie and he for him. Travelled everywhere together. It
was still a surprise though when Uncle George promised J.J a job for life in his will. I’m not sure what
will happen now Auntie Fran has died. Perhaps one of us brothers will inherit him.
Kimberly: It’s a shame about Francesca. I liked your aunt.
Andrew: You only met her once.
Kimberly: She seemed lovely.
Andrew: She was asleep.
Kimberly: She looked sweet.
Andrew: She may have looked sweet but she was definitely sour.
Kimberly: I’ll take the bags upstairs. Perhaps you could join me in a little while.
Andrew: Oh… um… I will. (Smiles.)
Kimberly: Don’t be long. Mr Butler.
Andrew: I won’t Mrs Butler.
(Kimberly exits with the suitcases to go upstairs leaving only the special case which Andrew is still
holding. Andrew stands next to the door and checks for when she is out of earshot. He suddenly
springs into action, shutting the door and picking up his cell phone. He takes a phone number on a
tatty piece of paper from his wallet. He promptly dials and puts the paper back in his wallet and into
his pocket.)
Andrew: (Nervously) Hello… yes hello… I’m not sure I’ve got the right number. My name? Yes of
course it’s But… er… Smith. Yes that’s right Mr Buttersmith. I’m looking for a hit man… an
assassin… for my wife… (Getting more confident)… Reason for requested service? She’s been
having an affair. She thinks I don’t know but… Oh yes I’m quite sure… I see… yes… you could!
Excellent… when? I hadn’t really thought… Tuesday? You mean this Tuesday? Ok I just didn’t
expect it to be quite so quick… I’ll just have to check. Hang on a minute. (Andrew walks to the door
and opens it. He shouts up to Kimberly) Kim… Kim…
Kimberly: (Offstage) Yes?
Andrew: What are you doing on Tuesday?
Kimberly: This Tuesday?
Andrew: Yes.
Kimberly: I’m meeting Sting for lunch.
Andrew: (Shuts the door and puts the mobile back to his ear) Tuesday’s not good… so soon…
Well if you can fit her in tonight that would be great… do you take Visa?… Cash yes of course.
(Looks at the case) Yes I have some. Yes, I’m at forty-three Erwin Park Road, Borwitch… B for
Bertie, O for…
(Kimberly walks back in.)
Andrew: Yes that’s fine… Okay bye! (Puts phone away.)
Kimberly: I thought you were going to join me? Who was that?
Andrew: That? Oh, just the bank.
Kimberly: (Pours herself a drink) Strange isn’t it! There we are on our holiday, not a care in the
world and then we get Sally Ann’s phone call.

Andrew: Yes. “Francesca Bloom is no more, she’s ceased to be and gone to meet her maker.” An ex-
battle-axe.
Kimberly: Grit your teeth. We’ll get through it.
Andrew: It’s going to take a lot of gritting.
Kimberly: What was that all about Tuesday? Have you got a surprise planned for me?
Andrew: Kimberly! I’ve got you something that is to die for. (Andrew exits with the case) Well are
you coming or what?
(Kimberly exits.)

(Colin scurries in, looks around frantically and hides in the closet. There is a loud knock at the front
door. Ester enters.)
Ester: Colin? Colin, There is no point hiding! I saw you come in! Stop acting like a child. Colin,
come here now.
Sally Ann: (Enters from the kitchen) Can I help you?
Ester: Hello, I’ve come for the funeral.
Sally Ann: Hello. It’s awfully confusing. So many comings and goings.
Ester: I’m Ester by the way.
Sally Ann: Sally Ann. Were you a friend or relative of Francesca?
Ester: Relative by marriage. I only met her a few times. I didn’t really know her that well.
Sally Ann: I knew her very well. This big old house was quite empty most of the time. Just Francesca,
Jasper, that’s the butler, and I. I’ve given the best years of my life to this house. We were very close,
Mrs Bloom and I. (Realisation) Wait! I know who you are! You’re Colin’s wife aren’t you? Oh it’s a
pleasure to meet you at last. I’ve heard so much about you.
Ester: Have you? Like what?
Sally Ann: Well not really, it’s just one of those things you say isn’t it. Where is Colin?
Ester: Sad to say I lost him.
Sally Ann: Oh no, I had no idea. When?
Ester: Not long ago.
Sally Ann: (Very sympathetically) Oh dear. Was it quick?
Ester: Yes. I just got out the car, turned around and he was gone.
Sally Ann: That’s terrible. Oh what a sad day it is.
Ester: Yes it is a very sad day. Dear old Francesca.
Sally Ann: You seem to be taking it very well.
Ester: On the surface perhaps, but to just leave me standing on the drive on my own, damn him!
Sally Ann: You may feel angry at first, but it’s all part of the process.
Ester: Process?
Sally Ann: Yes. They say it’s different for everyone. It must be a terrible shock to lose someone so
suddenly.
Ester: No I’m fine really. I’m sure he’ll turn up sometime soon.
Sally Ann: You’re a believer then.
Ester: I’m not so sure what to believe. All I know is I saw him come in here.
(Sally Ann looks frightened at the prospect of a ghost. Ester gets out her phone.)
Ester: I guess I should call him.
Sally Ann: I don’t think you can contact him by phone.
Ester: Why not?
Sally Ann: You’ll need help. There are people who specialise in these things.
Ester: What are you talking about?
Sally Ann: Contacting the other side, to speak to Colin.
Ester: What?

Sally Ann: Because he’s dead.
Ester: No he’s not.
Sally Ann: Denial! That’s another phase in the process. You really are rattling through this at a pace.
Ester: What makes you think he’s dead?
Sally Ann: You said he was.
Ester: No I didn’t.
(Sally Ann turns away and shakes her head mouthing ‘Denial’.)
Ester: I said I lost him. He ran in here to hide.
Sally Ann: (Pause.) Oh my! I do get confuzzled. I thought… Would you like a cup of tea?
Ester: No I’m fine honestly.
Sally Ann: It’s no trouble.
Ester: If you insist.
(Sally Ann smiles and exits to the kitchen.)
Ester: Right, Colin I hope you heard all that. See the confusion you’ve caused already. (Walking
around the room) There is no way you’re avoiding this family gathering. A few hours that’s all, and
then we can make our excuses and leave. (Looking under the sofa while talking) It’s been ten years
since you brothers got together, don’t you think you are taking this family feud a little too far?
(Walking over to the closet and knocking on it) Colin. I know you are in there… right I’m giving
you to the count of three. One… two… (Opens the closet door to reveal a frightened looking Colin)
… three.
Colin: Hello dear.
Ester: Hello Colin.
Colin: I was just hanging my coat up.
Ester: You’ve still got it on.
Colin: Well I hadn’t quite gotten around to it yet.
Ester: Colin.
Colin: Yes dear?
Ester: Get out!
Colin: Of course dear. (Steps out.)
(Ester helps him out of his coat. Colin turns and goes back into the closet and shuts the door. Ester
opens the door.)
Colin: It’s nice here isn’t it?
Ester: (Pulling him out of the closet) Why are you acting so strange?
Colin: I’m doing nothing of the sort.
Ester: (Hangs up the coat) I know you’re nervous, but it’s times like these that bring families
together.
Colin: I just don’t want to be here.
Ester: It’s a funeral. Nobody wants to be here. Especially Francesca, God rest her soul.
Colin: We could pretend we got the wrong day. Yes that’s it… or perhaps we are stuck in traffic.
Ester: You’re being strange again.
Colin: Look, Ester. You’re my wife and it’s my job to protect you.
Ester: Colin?
Colin: We’ve always avoided seeing my family and with good reason.
Ester: What reason?
Colin: To protect you. Imagine the worst nightmare you’ve ever had. One so terrifying that it
haunted you the next day and you didn’t want to sleep the next night just in case you had the nightmare
again… I used to call that Mother.
Ester: Colin!
Colin: And why stop there? Andrew is self-obsessed, Freddie is a compulsive trouble maker and
Aunt Francesca was evil.
Ester: You’re exaggerating. (Looks out the window.)

Colin: You don’t understand. But if we stay here much longer you will. I know some families are
close, but we hate each other. And that’s okay. I’m sure more families would say the same if they were
honest. So we each went our own way to avoid having to look at each other, hospitalised ourselves so
we didn’t have to write Christmas cards. It worked until now. But the funeral has changed all that.
The head of the house, the late great Francesca Bloom takes her final sour breath and now after ten
years successfully avoiding each other, we’ve all got to be in the same room for hours.
Ester: It looks like Andrew’s already arrived.
Colin: Oh no. Please, let me go. I’ll be forever in your debt.
Ester: Too late.
(Colin goes to hide in the closet. Ester blocks his path. He sees the window and tries to make an
escape through it.)
Ester: Colin! Stop it!
(Andrew enters through the front door looking serious as he puts his phone into his pocket. He looks
up to see Ester and switches to a lighter mood.)
Ester: Andrew.
(They embrace.)
Ester: Long time no see. How are you?
Andrew: I’m fine thank you Ester. How are you?
Ester: I’m not too bad. Colin’s otherwise engaged at the moment.
(By now Colin is slightly stuck with just his posterior pointing in the direction of Andrew’s face.)
Andrew: Is that a crack in the window or has Colin finally become a complete a-hole?
Ester: He’s a little nervous.
Andrew: There’s no point trying to get out of the window Colin. I took the liberty of making sure
everyone knows you’re coming. If I have to be here, so do you. (To Ester) I’ll leave you to it. Oh
wait, you haven’t seen Freddie have you?
Ester: We’ve still got that to look forward to.
(Sally Ann enters with a cup of tea. Colin manages to climb back into the house. The three of them
look miserable.)
Sally Ann: One cup of tea! Oh hello. Look at you all together. Jasper, take a look at this.
Jasper: (Enters from kitchen) Oh don’t they look happy. If Francesca could only see them now.
Sally Ann: Just the one brother missing. He was here. Where is Freddie?
Freddie: (Bursting through the door) Did someone mention my name?
Colin: Oh talk of the devil and here he is.
Freddie: (Walks straight over to Andrew and shakes his hand) Hello brother. How are the bright
lights of Hollywood?
Andrew: Can’t complain. How’s Granny Irene?
Freddie: Probation. She sends her love. Can’t make it today though. Something about the omnibus
of ‘Most Wanted’ (Walks over to Colin) Hello Colin.
Colin: (Unhappily) Hello.
Freddie: It’s the brother we never see. How’s life? The road to success still under construction?
Colin: If you must know, there’s light at the end of the tunnel.
Freddie: Oncoming train is it?
Colin: Very funny.
Freddie: Still burying your head in the sand Colin?
Colin: We’re over the worst of our financial difficulties thank you.
Freddie: Don’t talk to me about finances. Where have you been anyway?
Colin: I’ve been busy.
Ester: Don’t be rude Colin.
Freddie: I think Andrew has been busier.
Colin: Yes I noticed. It seems you’ve become a global phenomenon and left us mere mortals
behind.

Freddie: Hey, I live life in the fast lane too.
Colin: Too bad you got hit by oncoming traffic. (To Freddie) See you’re not the only one that can
be witty.
Andrew: Lighten up Colin. So, did anyone see my last movie? (Silence) Anyone?… No-one? J.J?
You’ve always supported my career.
Jasper: I did see you in ‘The Good, The Bad and The Snuggly.’ It was many years ago, but it wasn’t
my type of film.
Freddie: Speaking of the fast lane I think we could learn a thing or two from J.J.
Andrew: What’s this?
Jasper: It’s nothing Master Andrew.
Freddie: It seems he’s got a new hobby. Collecting speeding tickets.
Andrew: Oh Jasper. What have you done? (His phone rings) Wait a minute I need to take this.
(Picks up his phone) Hello? (Exits front door.)
Ester: Perhaps you can show me around the house. It looks lovely.
Jasper: Of course. If you’d all like to come with me.
(Jasper exits very slowly Ester, Colin and Sally Ann following behind.)
Ester: (As exiting) Well, perhaps we can just do the downstairs for today.
Andrew: (Re-enters looking worried) Damn!
Freddie: Andrew, did you get that money for me?
Andrew: Yes I did.
Freddie: You don’t know what this means to me.
Andrew: It’s the last time.
Freddie: I know. There’s one million in cash? Definitely?
Andrew: Yes.
Freddie: Where is it?
Andrew: Don’t worry. I’ve hidden it. I’ll get it after the funeral. So I guess you’ve been gambling
again?
Freddie: A little.
Andrew: Perhaps you should stick to the lottery in future.
Freddie: The lottery? No chance. The lottery is just a tax on people who are bad at math.
Andrew: Whereas blackjack?
Freddie: Blackjack is a game of skill.
Andrew: Which I suppose is why you lose so often. I’m just a walking money bag to you aren’t I?
Then there’s Colin. He can’t stand to be in the same room as me. (Frustrated) How did the three of us
come to this?
Freddie: Come on! Cheer up Andrew. You’ve got your beautiful house, money, fame, a beautiful
wife, money…
Andrew: You’ve already said money.
Freddie: Yes but there is an awful lot of it. Where is Kimberly by the way?
Andrew: She’s upstairs lying down.
Freddie: You seem very stressed for a man who’s just come back from his honeymoon.
Andrew: I’m fine.
Freddie: Did you get over whatever you were trying to tell me on the phone the other night?
Andrew: Sssh. Don’t ever talk about it.
Freddie: Well that’s not too difficult. You didn’t make much sense.
Andrew: (Looks around) I can’t remember what I said.
Freddie: If there’s a problem, you can tell me.
Andrew: It’s difficult.
Freddie: Try me. After all, I owe you more than I can ever repay so perhaps a little brotherly advice
can be a down payment.
Andrew: No, it doesn’t matter.

Freddie: Tell me.
(Pause.)
Andrew: I heard my darling wife on the phone. There’s someone else. She plans to leave me for him.
Freddie: No. That can’t be right.
Andrew: She’s planning to divorce me and take half of everything. She’s just waiting until after my
next movie comes out to take half of what that makes as well.
Freddie: Does she know you know?
Andrew: Not yet. (Thinking whether to speak) Freddie.
Freddie: Andrew.
Andrew: I’ve done something.
Freddie: What?
Andrew: You’ve got to promise me! Please promise me that you are not going to say anything to
anyone. I can’t believe what I’ve done. The most stupid thing I can imagine.
Freddie: You’re talking to the king of stupid. What have you done? You’re throwing her out of the
house aren’t you? Wait I’ve got it, you’re going to put all your money in an offshore account.
Andrew: If only I’d been that clever.
Freddie: So go on, what stupid thing have you done?
Andrew: I’ve hired a hit man who is coming to the house today to kill her.
(Freddie looks startled at Andrew. Slowly starts to laugh, getting more manic until he notices
Andrews face and his laughter subsides. His startled expression returns.)
Freddie: (After a long pause) You’re not laughing.
Andrew: I know.
Freddie: You’ve done what?
(Jasper enters from kitchen. They both watch as he slowly walks over to the closet, takes his hat.)
Jasper: Goodbye.
(Jasper exits front door. The moment the door shuts they instantly snap back into the conversation.)
Freddie: You’ve done what?
Andrew: You can’t tell anyone.
Freddie: Can’t tell anyone! (Stands up) I’m calling the police.
Andrew: Freddie. You can’t!
Freddie: Why not?
Andrew: You’re my brother.
Freddie: And she’s your wife, but you’re quite willing to kill her. How do I know that I’m not next?
Andrew: Why would I kill you?
Freddie: Why would you kill anyone?
Andrew: I’m not killing anyone. The man on the phone’s sorting it. I’m out of my depth Freddie.
Freddie: Out of your depth? You’re drowning bro.
Andrew: Throughout, the whole honeymoon I couldn’t stop thinking about how much she’d hurt me.
How she had betrayed me. I just thought about it, nothing more. And then…
Freddie: I don’t think I want to know anymore.
Andrew: I couldn’t take the pain. I got drunk. Told this guy at a bar how I wanted my wife dead and
it turns out he knew a guy who knew a guy. He gave me a number. Last night I found it in my jacket
pocket. I should have thrown it away. This morning, when she was on at me about the money I was
lending you, all I could think was, ‘yes well, that’s because you want it all isn’t it!’ Then she was telling
me how lovely I was and how good we were together and I thought, ‘I’ve had enough of this’. And I
had that number in my pocket and before I knew what I was doing… now there’s no turning back.
What should I do?
Freddie: Maybe you could cancel the appointment.
Andrew: Cancel the appointment? This isn’t the dentist.
Freddie: You’ve got to stop this madness.
Andrew: I know. But I don’t know how. Think of the scandal.

Freddie: Think of the prison sentence.
Andrew: Yes
Freddie: Holy crap!
Andrew: I know. I know.
Freddie: What’s going to happen? Is he likely to walk in at any time and shoot her? What if he
misses and hits someone else?
Andrew: He won’t. They are trained to get their man… woman. I’ve made a terrible mistake. I’ve
been trying to phone but I can’t get through.
Freddie: Keep trying.
(Andrew dials, the answer is heard on loud speaker ringing out.)
Voiceover: (Offstage) Hello. Welcome to the Assassin Hotline. I’m afraid all our hit-men are busy at
the moment. Please hold. (Background music heard) There are eight callers in front of you. Please
hold. Your call is important to us.
(Andrew hangs up.)
Andrew: Useless. What would you do if you were me?
Freddie: I’m guessing… just guessing, I wouldn’t phone up a hit man to take out my wife.
Andrew: You’re not helping.
Freddie: I’m calling the police.
Andrew: No. You can’t. I’ve made a rash and very hasty error of judgement. I’ll fix it. I don’t know
how, but I’ll fix it. We’ll get through this together Freddie.
Freddie: Me? What have I got to do with it?
Andrew: I’m the only one who knows where the one-million bucks is hidden. Without me you can
say goodbye to your kneecaps when your friends call in your debt.
Freddie: Ah, so this secret has its price.
Andrew: Will you help me stop the hit man?
Freddie: (Sigh) What do you need?
(The lights fade. Andrew exits and Freddie takes his place in the interrogation chair…)
Scene 5 - Freddie’s Interrogation:

(Spotlight on the interrogation room.)
Bridge: Interesting. Very interesting.
Henderson: Are we are meant to believe such nonsense?
Freddie: Nonsense? This is the truth.
Bridge: You needed the money, we know that. We know that Andrew withdrew a large amount of
cash two days ago. We know calls were made from Andrew’s phone. However, that is where
verifiable facts end and the questions begin. Was it you that wanted to hire the assassin? Was this
Andrew helping out his brother yet again?
Dawson: You don’t have to answer that. Stick to the facts please.
Freddie: I was trying to stop the assassin. I’ve already told you that. The moment I heard about it, I
wanted to call you guys.
Bridge: Yet you didn’t.
Dawson: I believe my client has co-operated fully. So if there are no more questions, Detective.
Bridge: Oh we have plenty of questions for Freddie and the whole family. You didn’t call us and tell
us about the hired marksman. Yet you expect us to believe you wanted to stop it. Correct?
(Freddie nods.)
Bridge: The problem I have is why you didn’t just warn Kimberly.
(Dawson receives a text sound. Ringtone like the sound of a bell. Dawson looks at the phone.)

Dawson: Sorry. (Has a look) It’s from my mom. (Text back) Can’t talk… still with Butlers. Things
are a bit tense. On ‘News-talk’ ten-thirty pm. Crazy, lol. (Puts phone down) She’s always wanted to
see me on T.V. She’ll invite the whole block over. It’s a dream of hers to see one of her children on
the screen.
(Phone sound goes off again. Dawson takes phone.)
Dawson: Smiley face.
Bridge: If you interrupt one more time…
Dawson: Sorry!
Bridge: Well?
Dawson: Well what?
Bridge: Not you! (Points to Freddie) Him! Why didn’t you warn Kimberly?
Freddie: I tried to. Lord knows I tried. It wasn’t that easy.
Bridge: You walk in, tell her there’s a possibility she’s going to be killed and get her out of there.
What’s simpler?
Freddie: Sometimes simple plans get overturned by events.
Bridge: Oh, so fate got in the way I suppose?
Freddie: Not unless fate comes with Belgian buns.
Bridge: Explain sir.
Freddie: I will.
(Lights fade. Music Plays.)

(Lights back up on main stage. Kimberly is sitting down reading a book. Sally Ann enters.)
Sally Ann: Hello Kimberly. Is there anything you would like?
Kimberly: No thank you.
Sally Ann: I could make you some coffee.
Kimberly: Honestly I’m fine.
Sally Ann: Tea?
Kimberly: Just some peace and quiet.
Sally Ann: Cake. I’ve got some cake.
Kimberly: Honestly. Don’t worry about me. If I need something I will shout.
Sally Ann: I look forward to your shout. (Exits through kitchen.)
(Freddie walks in from the front door. He tries to sneak past Kimberly.)
Kimberly: (Without looking) Hello Freddie.
Freddie: Kimberly. There you are. I was looking for you.
Kimberly: Liar.
Freddie: Have you seen my brother?
Kimberly: Which one?
Freddie: Andrew. Your husband.
Kimberly: No. Come and sit with me.
(Freddie sits.)
Kimberly: You look tense.
Freddie: Do I?
Kimberly: Yes. I haven’t seen you all morning. Anyone would think you were avoiding me.
Freddie: No of course not.
Kimberly: Has he told you yet?
Freddie: Told me what?
Kimberly: He suspects I’m having an affair.
Freddie: He has mentioned it.
Kimberly: Does he know it’s you?

Freddie: If he knew it was me do you think I’d still be here?
Kimberly: I have missed you Freddie.
Freddie: I’ve missed you too.
Kimberly: It’s all such a mess.
Freddie: You don’t know the half of it. Andrew’s done something stupid.
Sally Ann: (Poking her head out of the kitchen) What was that?
Kimberly: I didn’t say anything.
Sally Ann: Sorry, I thought you shouted. Hello Freddie. Would you like anything before the service?
Freddie: No thank you.
Sally Ann: Tea?
Freddie: No thank you.
Sally Ann: Coffee?
Freddie: No.
Sally Ann: Juice?
Freddie: Yes whatever.
Sally Ann: A little cake?
Freddie: No ta.
Sally Ann: I’ve got some Belgian buns.
(No response.)
Sally Ann: Okay just let me know. I’m here for you. (Exits.)
Kimberly: You were saying.
Freddie: Things are getting out of control. Andrew not only knows you are having an affair but
he’s…
Sally Ann: (Opens the kitchen door) Orange or apple?
Freddie: What?
Sally Ann: Your juice.
Freddie: Anything
Sally Ann: You decide.
Freddie: Orange.
Sally Ann: Not a problem. (Exits.)
Freddie: Andrew has…
Sally Ann: (Opens the kitchen door) With pulp or no pulp?
Freddie: For the love of…
Kimberly: What’s your name again?
Sally Ann: Sally, Sally Ann Downing.
Kimberly: Well Sally, Sally Ann Downing, get lost! We’re trying to have a conversation.
Sally Ann: Well I never. (Exits.)
Kimberly: What’s the problem?
Freddie: We can’t see each other anymore. It’s getting far too risky.
Kimberly: You’re breaking up with me?
Freddie: I’ve got to.
Kimberly: You can’t. You can’t just leave me. Have you any idea what it’s like living with Andrew?
You’re what keeps me going Freddie I’d rather die than stay in that marriage.
Freddie: Your wish may be granted. You’ve only been married a week.
Kimberly: You know as well as I do it wasn’t for love. What do you mean my wish may be granted?
Freddie: That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. Andrew won’t take this lying down.
(Andrew enters from the front door.)
Freddie: Andrew. Hello.
Andrew: Hello. Is everything alright?
Freddie: Perfect.
Andrew: Are you sure? Just thought you might ‘have that thing to do’.

Freddie: No I’m good here thank you. Why don’t you do that thing you were going to do… you
know, ring-ring?
Kimberly: I’m fed up with all this talk in code. Why don’t you just have a normal conversation for
once? I’ll see you later Freddie. (Storms out.)
Andrew: She seems upset. What have you said?
Freddie: Nothing.
Andrew: She’s upset for nothing?
Freddie: I haven’t said anything.
Andrew: I hope not.
Freddie: Have you managed to get hold of the assassin yet?
Andrew: No. Still can’t get hold of him.
Freddie: This is insane. In a few hours’ time a trained killer is going to burst through that door and
kill your wife.
Andrew: I know, I know.
(Sally Ann enters in a huff. Slams drink on table.)
Sally Ann: We’ve run out of orange, you’ll have to make do with Apple. Andrew would you like a…
Freddie: } (Together)
Andrew: } No!
(Exit Sally Ann in a bigger huff through Kitchen.)
Freddie: Does anyone else know?
Andrew: Of course not. If Colin knew he’d spill before you could say ‘snitch’. You’re not going to
say anything are you? You were, weren’t you!
Ester: (Entering from the kitchen) This is ridiculous.
Freddie: What is?
Ester: I’ve lost him again.
Freddie: I’m going out to get some air.
Andrew: Where?
Freddie: To get some air.
Andrew: Then I’ll come with you. There’s a million things we need to discuss.
(Freddie and Andrew exit front door.)
Ester: This is the last straw. You can’t hide forever.
(Opens the closet to reveal a petrified Colin.)
Ester: You can’t keep hiding from your brother in the closet… Colin, are you alright?
Colin: Not after what I’ve just heard. I might not ever be alright ever again!
(Lights out. All exit. Ester walks over to the interrogation chair.)
Scene 7 - Ester’s Interrogation:

(Spotlight on the interrogation. Bridge and Henderson sit with arms folded. Dawson is eating
popcorn.)
Ester: Well that’s how it was told to me anyway.
Dawson: It’s gripping isn’t it?
Bridge: So you honestly didn’t know what Colin heard?
Ester: Not at that time no. If I’d known I would have come straight to you people.
Bridge: However there are a few things that don’t quite add up.
Henderson: Don’t add up at all.
Ester: Like what?
Henderson: Why was your husband there?
Bridge: When did he come out of the closet?
Ester: Why, what have you heard?
Henderson: Well frankly…

Ester: Oh I might have guessed it was him spreading gossip.
Bridge: What?
Ester: Frank Lee. You don’t want to believe a word he says.
Dawson: Ester, don’t make things worse.
Bridge: Comedian are you? Well let’s see how funny it is when you’re charged with wasting police
time!
Ester: I’m not. I’ve answered every question as truthfully as I can.
Dawson: (Leans to Ester) Ooh I can see where this is going. Any second now… wait for it.
Bridge: So tell me, are you all in it together? Did you all conspire to kill?
Henderson: Or did you act alone?
Dawson: Oh, I thought they were going to let you go. Oops.
Bridge: We know you were involved somehow.
Henderson: And there’s no point denying it.
Bridge: So all we have to establish is how deeply you were involved. Were you a minor accessory
or were you much cleverer than that? Did you do it and are trying to pin it on Andrew?
Ester: Are you insinuating that I am the murderer?
Bridge: No, of course not… but now that you mention it.
Dawson: Objection!
Ester: I wouldn’t hurt a fly.
Bridge: Perhaps, but you would help someone pull off its wings wouldn’t you.
Dawson: This is all speculation. Surely before you leap to conclusions you should listen to what my
client has to say?
Bridge: So what did happen next Ester?
(Lights fade. Music Plays.)

(Lights back up at the house. Ester and Kimberly are near the front door talking. Andrew stands on
his own looking at the portrait. Jasper Jr. and Sally Ann enter from the kitchen. Jasper is holding a
tray of drinks.)
Jasper: May I have your attention please?
Sally Ann: It was the last wish of the late, great, and sometimes irate Francesca Bloom who met her fate
in this room at noon that we would all have a small drink before her funeral service.
(All take a drink. Freddie enters from kitchen and walks over to Andrew.)
Andrew: Did you tell Colin we were ready to go?
Freddie: Yes. I passed him in the kitchen. He was acting very…
Andrew: (on edge) Very what?
Freddie: Very…
Andrew: Very what? Peculiar?
Freddie: I was going to say hungry, but now you mention it, he was acting very peculiar.
Andrew: In what way?
Freddie: He was making a sandwich.
Andrew: Forget the hunger bit. In what way was he acting peculiar?
Freddie: He was giving me a look.
Andrew: What look?
Freddie: A look.
Andrew: Yes, but of what kind?
Freddie: A peculiar look.
Andrew: (Exasperated) What kind of peculiar look?
Freddie: It’s hard to explain.
Andrew: Then show me.

Freddie: I can’t.
Andrew: Show me.
(Reluctantly, Freddie gives a bizarre raised eyebrow look.)
Freddie: Is that what you needed to know?
Andrew: Colin doesn’t look like that.
Freddie: Well of course not. I’m Freddie. I take after Dad’s side.
Andrew: Did it look more like this? (Gives a sinister look.)
Freddie: Yes that’s it.
Kimberly: (Walking over to the boys) Are we ready yet?
(Freddie walks over to Ester.)
Andrew: Colin is on his way. What’s going on?
Kimberly: About what?
Andrew: Freddie just totally ignored you.
Kimberly: No he didn’t.
Andrew: It looked like he did. You two have always seemed so close.
(Colin enters from the kitchen and takes a drink.)
Andrew: Hi Colin.
Colin: (Scared) Hello.
Kimberly: What’s wrong? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.
Colin: Not yet I haven’t. Not yet. (Moves to the other side of the room.)
Kimberly: Is he alright?
Andrew: He’s never alright. If he took an IQ test it would come back negative. (Looks at Colin)
You are right though. You can almost hear the gears moving in his little head.
Jasper: Perhaps somebody could say a few words. (Pause.) Anybody?
Freddie: Colin?
Colin: I don’t want to.
Freddie: Come on. You’re the clever one.
Ester: Come on dear, don’t be shy.
(Colin takes a step forward and puts his drink on the mantelpiece.)
Colin: What can I say about Aunt Francesca? She was a… a… woman. (Pause.) Yes, she was a
woman who no-one would dare cross. She was erratic and eccentric, terrifying and let’s face it
sometimes plain evil… but one thing you can always say about Aunt Francesca, she always told you the
truth. She said what she thought of you and I respected that. Sometimes some of us are not totally
truthful and we are not always what we seem. (Looking at Freddie) Sometimes our secrets can be
little white lies, but usually in this family they are dark, twisted, awfulf lies. Lies that hurt people.
Sometimes we have secrets that could hurt people mentally, emotionally and physically…
(Freddie interrupts the speech. He puts his drink down on the top of the mantelpiece. He puts his
arm around Colin.)
Freddie: … Beautiful speech. Inspiring. Really reflected how we all feel at this dark time. (Starts a
round of applause before quietly taking Colin to one side) Do you know something?
Colin: Of course I know something.
Freddie: What do you know?
Colin: I know you and Kimberly are an item.
Freddie: Sshh. We’re not an item. It’s over.
Jasper: (To Andrew) If that is all sir. There is something I need to attend to.
(Jasper exits through the front door. Sally Ann is watching Colin and Freddie.)
Colin: What are you worried about? What do you think Andrew will do? And what about the hit
man coming later?
Ester: What are you two talking about?
Freddie: Football. You know what us boys are like.
Ester: Come on. Drink your drinks and we’ll go to the service.

Colin: I’m leaving. I’m not having anything to do with this. I’m going home.
Freddie: What about the funeral?
Colin: Which one? Francesca’s or the one to follow?
Sally Ann: (Over to Colin) Hello. Hope you’re having a good day. Wait, damn it’s a funeral. My
condolences. You’re not leaving are you?
Freddie: Of course he’s not. Are you Colin? Not yet anyway.
Ester: Colin, what’s going on?
Sally Ann: Oh I’m sorry. I just presumed, assumed, exhumed…one of the first two I think. It just
sounded like you were going to leave. Oh you must go to the service. As my mother said, always go to
other people’s funerals, or they won’t come to yours. (Sally Ann exits to kitchen.)
Ester: Have you two had words? For Francesca’s sake, just for one afternoon, could we try to get
on?
Kimberly: We are all getting on aren’t we darling?
Andrew: Yes, of course. Everybody is happy.
Kimberly: Ecstatic.
Freddie: Quite elated.
Andrew: By funeral standards of course.
Kimberly: Oh yes, naturally.
Andrew: I suppose we’d better get going.
Kimberly: I suppose we should. Shall we hold hands my love?
Andrew: What a lovely idea.
Colin: Can you just stop for a moment? I can’t take it anymore.
Ester: Colin?
Freddie: The grief is too much.
Colin: You’d like that wouldn’t you! I can’t hold it in any longer.
Ester: Then hurry up Colin, why you couldn’t have gone earlier I don’t know.
Colin: Ester, this is serious. Andrew and Kimberly have got a few surprises lined up for each other.
Ester: Surprises?
Colin: Yes. And I for one don’t like it. I don’t like it one bit. Tell them Freddie.
Freddie: Tell them?
Colin: Yes. Tell Ester everything.
Jasper: (Entering from the front door) Ladies and Gentlemen there has been a slight change to
today’s proceedings.
Colin: From now on there will be no more surprises. I heard everything.
Francesca: (Entering from the front door) And so did I!
(They all stand in amazement as she walks to the front.)
Ester: It can’t be!
Colin: Aunt Francesca?
Francesca: (Sitting down) Of course. Who else would I be?
Freddie: Hello Auntie. You’re looking well, considering.
Francesca: So come on then Colin. Spill! Tell us everything.
Andrew: What the… f…
(Lights instantly switch to black and curtains close.)
Act 2
Scene 1 - Inspector Talk/Friday 11:15am:
(Spotlight on Bridge and Henderson at their desk drinking from Duncan Donuts cups.)
Bridge: What a day.
Henderson: Tell me about it.

Bridge: If you’d told me two days ago I’d be sat here interrogating Andrew Butler. Well I’d have
bet against it.
Henderson: Do you believe any of it so far?
Bridge: I don’t know what to believe. All their stories match up no matter how farfetched.
Henderson: A little more than farfetched don’t you think?
Bridge: Until we know who was intended to be the first victim, finding the guilty party might prove
to be impossible. My money is on Colin at the moment. It’s the quiet ones you need to watch.
Henderson: No, I still think its Andrew. He’s admitted he’d got someone in to kill his wife.
Bridge: But without a body it’s hard to prove a crime has actually taken place.
Henderson: Without a body? There’s loads of them. Granted Kimberly might not be one of them but
don’t forget the others.
Bridge: It’s the Francesca bit I’m stuck on. They all agree she made an appearance at her own
funeral and that’s when everything changed.
(Lights fade up on main stage. The curtains open with the characters paused just before Francesca
entered.)
Henderson: You’re right. Whatever happened when she walked through the door kick-started the day’s
events and resulted in the deaths of several people. Let’s just re-examine the scene for a second.
(Henderson and Bridge enter the room and walk around.)
Bridge: It is approx. eleven-fifteen am yesterday (Walks over to Colin) and if we believe the
testimony, Colin is about to confess all. He’ll tell Kimberly about the assassin.
Henderson: (Next to Freddie) Not to mention the affair between Kimberly and Freddie.
Bridge: If I wanted to shut someone up permanently in this room it would be Colin.
Henderson: And so perhaps he was meant to be the first victim.
Bridge: (Walks over to Ester) Meanwhile, Ester is confused.
Henderson: She’s not the only one.
Bridge: She is unaware of what Colin heard in the closet so at this moment she knows nothing,
therefore at the moment must be presumed innocent.
Henderson: I wouldn’t rule her out quite yet Bridge. Although at eleven-fifteen she may be completely
innocent, by the afternoon she’s in it as deep as anyone else.
Bridge: You’re right. We can’t rule out her involvement altogether.
Henderson: But I’m thinking about this man. (Puts his hand on Freddie’s shoulder) There’s a million
pounds hidden in this house. He needs that money and he needs it fast. He may have been capable of
killing for it.
Bridge: No. He’s not a killer. He’s an idiot. He’s a guy in a mess involved with the wrong sort of
people but he needs his family. He needs someone to look after him.
Henderson: But as we know money and fear can be powerful motives.
Bridge: True. So he can’t be ruled out either. (Walks over to Kimberly) And then there’s
Kimberly. She’s no saint. A gold-digger at least. But a cold blooded murderer? We know she never
signed a prenuptial agreement. She managed to convince Andrew that her love would last forever. But
perhaps she couldn’t get her hands on his money fast enough.
Henderson: As I said, without certainty over the intended victim, the waters become very murky. Maybe
she wanted revenge on Freddie for breaking it off.
Bridge: Or a life insurance claim on Andrew’s death. She would also be in line for a significant
inheritance.
Henderson: (Moves in to Andrew) And then there’s Andrew. The man of the moment. Everything
points to this man here. Anger, jealousy, betrayal, resentment. It wouldn’t be the first time these have
pushed a man over the edge. (Moves back to the desk with Bridge) I’m sure there is still a lot we
don’t know about that day. Let’s continue shall we?
(The Characters spring back to life. Spotlight on interrogation room fades.)
Colin: You’d like that wouldn’t you! I can’t hold it in any longer.
Ester: Then hurry up Colin, why you couldn’t have gone earlier I don’t know.

Colin: Ester, this is serious. Andrew and Kimberly have got a few surprises lined up for each other.
Ester: Surprises?
Colin: Yes. And I for one don’t like it. I don’t like it one bit. Tell them Freddie.
Freddie: Tell them?
Colin: Yes. Tell Ester everything.
Jasper: (Entering from the front door) Ladies and Gentlemen there has been a slight change to
today’s proceedings.
Colin: From now on there will be no more surprises. I heard everything.
Francesca: (Entering from the front door) And so did I!
(They all stand in amazement as she walks to the front.)
Ester: It can’t be!
Colin: Aunt Francesca?
Francesca: (Sitting down) Of course. Who else would I be?
Freddie: Hello Auntie. You’re looking well, considering.
Francesca: So come on then Colin. Spill! Tell us everything.
Andrew: What the… Francesca? (Puts his drink on the mantelpiece.)
(Colin faints.)
Francesca: Well that’s not very constructive.
Ester: (Rushing to his aid) Colin! Someone help me. (Puts her drink on the mantelpiece.)
Andrew: I would but I’ve been told not to lift heavy objects.
Ester: He isn’t heavy. He’s your brother!
Sally Ann: (Entering) Would anyone like a piece of cake before we set off? (Seeing Francesca) Oh
hello. You made it then.
Francesca: Of course I damn well made it Sally. Do you think I’d be late for my own cremation?
Sally Ann: Actually it’s a burial. Got you a lovely spot near your favourite oak tree.
Francesca: Can’t you do anything right? I asked to be cremated.
Jasper: May I suggest the guests sit down before any others collapse?
Andrew: There’s something… just something I need to say… No I can’t think of any other way to
say it… What in god’s name is going on?
Kimberly: She’s returned to us. It’s a miracle.
Freddie: It’s a nightmare. Surely you can’t have been thrown out of hell already?
Francesca: Is it really you? Do my eyes deceive me? It’s little Freddie Butler. The last time I saw you,
you were crying because you’d wet the bed.
Kimberly: Aaah! How old was he? Two? Three? Four?
Francesca: Twenty-eight. He was drunk.
Ester: Can someone fetch me some water?
Francesca: Oh be quiet Ester. He’ll be alright. He’s just being dramatic.
Andrew: He’s being dramatic? I think he’ll find your entrance a tough act to outdo.
Francesca: Ah yes. Andrew, the success story.
Freddie: Now you’ve had your fun. Tell us, what are you doing here?
Francesca: I live here. What a stupid question. (Turns to Sally Ann and Jasper) Well what are you
two still doing here? Get on with some work!
(Sally Ann and Jasper exit to the kitchen.)
Andrew: You know perfectly well what I’m talking about. Why have you gone to so much trouble to
stage this charade?
Francesca: ‘Cause you bastards never come to visit. (Sits on the sofa.)
Kimberly: You staged your own death just to get the family together?
Francesca: Yes. (Takes the TV remote) Ooh it’s time for my program now.
(Freddie snatches it off her.)
Francesca: Don’t get snotty with me.
Freddie: Snotty? I haven’t even started yet.

Colin: (Regaining consciousness and standing up) What happened?
Freddie: The second coming, again. Evil reincarnate.
Francesca: (Waving at Colin) Hiya.
Colin: What the…?
Francesca: Ah Colin. Well done for standing up. There was me thinking you hadn’t got a backbone.
Kimberly: (Puts her drink on the mantelpiece) This is crazy.
Francesca: What is? I wanted to see you all, was that such a crime?
Freddie: No, but I think faking your own death may be.
Francesca: Who’s going to know? I get to see you all. And looking on the bright side, no more bills or
cold callers. It’s a win win.
Kimberly: Hang on a minute. Who’s in the coffin?
Francesca: Alexia.
Kimberly: Who’s Alexia?
Colin: Not your Labrador?
Francesca: It’s what she would have wanted.
Ester: Colin was right. You’re more twisted than I thought.
Francesca: (Standing) Me twisted? To want to see my nephews and their wives? How long have you
been married Andrew? A week? Two weeks? I had to find out from the paper. I wasn’t invited. That
hurt, that really hurt to know that you couldn’t stand to have your own flesh and blood at the most
important day of your life. I mean, what have I done for you to be so ashamed of me? What is it that
makes you hate me so much?
Ester: I’m guessing it’s things like this. (Puts her drink on the mantelpiece.)
Francesca: It just proves the desperate lengths I have to go through to get to see you all. I guessed the
sniff of a will reading might bring the family running. So come on then Colin. Now you’re back with
us, what was it that you were about to blurt out?
Freddie: It was nothing really was it Colin? You’re right Auntie. Perhaps we have been neglecting
you a little. Put your feet up, relax, I’ll get you a drink.
Francesca: Why would I want a drink?
Freddie: You’ve had an emotional day.
Francesca: Do you know anything about me at all?
Freddie: Yes of course.
Francesca: Has anything ever got in my way?
Freddie: No Auntie.
Francesca: Then it doesn’t matter how many distractions you come up with. I want to know what Colin
was on about. I could hear him from half way up the driveway. Come on spit it out boy.
Colin: Well… the thing is… the point I was trying to…
Francesca: Oh will you grow a pair. Look at you Colin. You’re how old? Say what you need to say.
(Turns to the others) Why doesn’t he just speak?
(Freddie picks up a drink from the mantelpiece but does not drink it.)
Colin: I’m trying to, Auntie.
Francesca: Well what is it? We are all waiting.
Colin: We were talking about the way that… um… well we were…
Francesca: You really are a snivelling, weedy waste of oxygen aren’t you, Colin. I don’t know what’s
worse. Andrew with his whole superior attitude looking down on us, thinking because he can pretend
to be someone else once in a while that automatically makes him better than us all. Or Freddie with his
head in the clouds, staring at the stars, yet not knowing the difference between his Mars and his Uranus.
Or is it Kimberly, craving the celebrity lifestyle? (Turns to Andrew) Well, it’s not like she married
you for your looks. Or Colin and Ester, irrelevant, irritating, whining, moaning, drivelling little worms
at the bottom of the food chain. Oh Colin when are you going to stand up for yourself?
Colin: Drop dead you spiteful old cow!
(Everyone gasps.)

Colin: I mean… (To Ester) did I just say that out loud?
Francesca: Well. At least you’ve made your feelings known.
Ester: He has, and about time too. For years he’s put up with your cruelty. We all have. I never
thought I could feel like this, but when I heard you’d died I thought good. No more guilt trips. You’re
just a vile bully.
(Pause.)
Francesca: Do you all feel like this?
Andrew: (Picking a drink up from the mantelpiece) Pretty much.
Francesca: Well. How sad. How very sad you feel this way.
Kimberly: (Picking a drink up from the mantelpiece) I think everyone has spoken.
Francesca: If my George was still alive to hear this.
Colin: I didn’t mean to be rude.
Francesca: Well. I suggest you all leave. You’ll not get a penny from me when I do finally go.
Freddie: Hang on, I still love you Auntie.
Francesca: Add transparent on to my list of your attributes.
Freddie: Worth a try.
Francesca: Well what are you waiting for? (Shouts) Jasper! Jasper! (To the others) Go on. Pack your
bags and go. There’s nothing for you here.
Jasper: (Entering) Yes?
Francesca: There has been another change of plan. It appears the family won’t be staying after all. I
doubt they will be back anytime soon.
(All exit apart from Ester who looks sad.)
Francesca: What are you gawking at?
Ester: (Taking a drink on the mantelpiece) You should know we were about to drink to you.
Jasper said it was your last wish. No-one mentioned your money. We all got together to drink to you
and pay our last respects. (She puts it on the table in front of her) This was a very cruel trick to play
on us. I certainly don’t want to drink to you now. (Goes to exit.)
Francesca: Perhaps you’d prefer to drink to good health and family unity.
Ester: Or that you get payback for the lives you’ve ruined. (Exits.)
(Francesca shrugs, picks up the drink and sips it. Kimberly and Andrew enter. Suddenly a moment
of panic appears on Francesca’s face before slumping into her chair.)
Andrew: I’m glad to be leaving. We’ll be out of your hair for good.
Kimberly: Bye then. Have a good life.
Andrew: So don’t call me Auntie. I’ll call you. Come on let’s go.
Kimberly: Ignoring us. When I didn’t think she could get any ruder.
Andrew: Let her. She can’t damage our lives anymore.
(Pause.)
Kimberly: Is she alright?
Andrew: She’s fine! (Shouts over) Just sulking. Things not gone your way Auntie?
Kimberly: She’s not moving.
(Colin and Freddie enter.)
Andrew: We’re going now. Won’t spend another minute here.
Freddie: I won’t be far behind.
(Kimberly walks over to Francesca.)
Kimberly: Francesca?… Francesca?
Andrew: Leave her.
(Kimberly takes her pulse.)
Kimberly: I think she’s dead.
(All crowd around Francesca.)
Kimberly: I do, I think she’s dead!
Freddie: She can’t be.

Andrew: Auntie can you hear me? Come on now you’ve made your point.
Colin: I’ll get J.J and Sally. (Goes to exit as Ester enters.)
Ester: What are you doing?
Freddie: She’s snuffed it.
Ester: Oh no not again! I’ve only just recovered from the last time.
Kimberly: She’s dead for real this time.
Colin: She was up and bullying only a minute ago.
Kimberly: Then what happened? Ester you were the last to see her.
Ester: I refused to drink to her good health and left.
Kimberly: Wait, she has a glass in her hand.
Colin: Who else has drunk the wine?
Kimberly: I didn’t drink any.
Colin: Nor me.
Freddie: I didn’t.
Andrew: No.
Ester: I didn’t get the chance.
Colin: So the last thing she did was drink the wine. The wine that no-one else drank.
Freddie: Are you thinking it was poisoned?
Colin: I’m sure of it.
Freddie: Somebody killed her?
Andrew: Who gave her the glass?
Ester: I did.
(All look at her.)
Ester: You don’t think I would poison her do you?
Freddie: Someone must have.
Sally Ann: (Entering) Would anyone like a cup of tea?
Andrew: No, we are fine thank you.
Sally Ann: It’s no trouble.
Freddie: Honestly we’re fine!
(Sally Ann exits.)
Colin: Ester where did you get that glass from?
Ester: Above the fireplace.
Colin: Nobody poured Francesca a drink. She must have drunk someone else’s. (Panicking) It
was for me. I put my drink on the mantelpiece.
Ester: Who would want to kill you?
Kimberly: No you’re mistaken. Mine was on the mantelpiece.
Freddie: Oh shit! It must be the assassin!
Kimberly: The what?
Andrew: Private joke. (He glares at Freddie.)
Ester: I’m sure I put mine on the mantelpiece. Okay who else did? I’m losing count.
(All put their hands up.)
Ester: Then that drink could have been for any of us.
All: (Except Ester) But who’d want to kill me?
Kimberly: We’ve got other things to worry about. Aren’t we meant to be at a funeral?
Colin: So?
Ester: A funeral for Francesca Bloom, who currently sits slumped on a sofa in her own lounge
having partaken of a dodgy glass of vino. What are we going to do with her? We can’t really stop the
funeral and say she was feeling better, went for a walk, but took a turn for the worse again.
Kimberly: Or that she was murdered in her lounge.
Freddie: If she was murdered. She could have died of natural causes. For all we know that drink
could be fine.

Andrew: You drink it then. There’s some left in the bottom.
Freddie: Piss off! Wait! Is it you Andrew? Have you been trying to bump me off?
Andrew: Of course not. I’m not a killer.
Freddie: You sure about that?
Kimberly: This can wait. All of us wanted her dead! When the police get involved they’ll be asking
some big questions of all of us.
Colin: Not me.
Ester: You did shout at her just before she died.
Colin: But that doesn’t mean I killed her.
Kimberly: Will the police see it like that? She pushed you pretty hard.
Colin: You all hated her too. You can’t pin this on me.
Freddie: Nobody is trying to pin anything on anyone. For all we know it could be J.J and Sally. They
did give us the drinks.
Andrew: That’s true.
Kimberly: The way I see it. We are five of the only seven people alive who know she wasn’t already
dead. Legally she died last week. We have two choices. Phone the police and tell them one of us
murdered her, or hide the body.
Colin: Do what?
Kimberly: Think about it. If we get rid of her, make excuses to Sally and Jasper that she’s gone away
for a few days nobody will know.
Freddie: We’ll know.
Kimberly: Whereas if we keep her here one of us will go down for it. I wouldn’t be surprised if they
tried to pin it on you Freddie. You’ve got a shady past.
Freddie: A few dodgy dealings. Not murder.
Kimberly: We’ve got to make a decision quick and fast. A murder enquiry or living with a guilty
secret.
(All look at each other. Lights fade. Colin takes his place in the interrogation chair.)
Scene 2 - Colin’s Interrogation:

(Spotlight on interrogation room. Dawson types a text.)
Colin: I didn’t hide the body. I kept out of it as much as I could.
Henderson: Your name is Colin Butler. (looks through his files) and your interview starts now
(Bridge starts the tape.)
Henderson: What was your reaction to the second death of Francesca?
Colin: Shock and horror.
Henderson: Correct. Who was present in the house at the time?
Colin: Myself, my wife, my two brothers, my sister in law, Sally Ann and Jasper Jr.
Henderson: Correct. What time was this?
Colin: About eleven-twenty-five.
Henderson: Was this before or after you heard about Freddie’s affair with Kimberly?
Colin: After.
Henderson: Who knew about the assassin?
Colin: Andrew, Freddie and me of course. I did try to tell the others.
Henderson: Francesca entered?
Colin: True.
Henderson: And you kept it to yourself?
Colin: True.
Henderson: Before handing her a glass of wine which had been poisoned?
Colin: False!
Henderson: Who was the drink intended for that killed her?

Colin: Um… pass.
Henderson: What state was the deceased in at the time?
Colin: She was dead.
Henderson: What was your reaction to her arrival?
Colin: Pass.
Henderson: Finish the phrase, ‘Drop dead…’
Colin: ‘You spiteful old cow’
Henderson: And who is that a quote by?
Colin: Me. But I was…
Henderson: That was one of the last words spoken to her. True or false?
Colin: True but…
Henderson: Describe in detail…
(Dawson text ringtone. Dawson starts messing with his phone.)
Henderson: I’ve started so I’ll finish. Describe in detail the events of the next two hours.
Colin: Oh it was terrible. About a quarter of an hour after she was poisoned things went from bad
to worse.
(Light fades. Music plays.)
Scene 3 - Friday 11:45pm:

(Lights up. Colin and Ester enter from the kitchen. Simultaneously, Kimberly enters through the
front door…)
Colin: Where is she?
Kimberly: Don’t worry. She hasn’t wandered off. I put her in the boot of my car. Thank you for
helping by the way.
Ester: There’s no way I was moving her.
Kimberly: Someone had to.
Ester: Well it was your idea.
Kimberly: Don’t forget I’m saving your skin here Ester.
Colin: Where are Andrew and Freddie?
Kimberly: Talking to the staff. They’ve missed Francesca.
Colin: We’re not going to get away with this. We should have rung the police.
Kimberly: Or to get the same result we could have locked ourselves in the closet for twenty years with
just a bucket to pee in.
Colin: I’m still not convinced that the poison was meant for her.
Ester: Who do you think it was meant for then?
Colin: I don’t know, but which of us knew Aunt Francesca wasn’t already dead?
(Jasper enters with Andrew and Freddie from kitchen.)
Jasper: Ah Kimberly. I do hope you’re feeling better?
Kimberly: Better?
Jasper: Yes. Andrew said you needed some fresh air due to ill health.
(Freddie and Andrew nod at Kimberly behind Jasper’s back.)
Kimberly: (Cottoning on) Oh yes. I’m feeling much better. It was a little stuffy in here.
Jasper: Mister Andrew and Mister Freddie were telling me about Francesca.
Kimberly: They were? I mean, were they?
Jasper: Yes. I wonder when she’ll get back.
Kimberly: I’m not sure.
Jasper: Oh my memory. Where was it she was going again Kimberly?
Kimberly: She’s still at um…
(Freddie and Andrew manically sign driving at her. She tries to work out what they are doing.)
Kimberly: She’s driving…

(Freddie holds two fingers up.)
Kimberly: To… um…
(Andrew mimics using oars frantically.)
Kimberly: The brothel!
(Freddie despairs and takes over.)
Kimberly: I mean… rowing… boat…
(Freddie pretends to be a caveman and hits Andrew over the head.)
Kimberly: Beat… stick… club… (Getting it) She’s driving to the boating club.
(Jasper turns and looks at Freddie and Andrew who are now acting casually.)
Jasper: Ah yes. That’s it! I remember now. That is what Freddie said. Seems a little strange. Why
would she insist on you all being here if she was going off on her own to watch the boats? She’s meant
to be here enjoying her passing over. Come to think of it, what will happen if someone sees her? I
don’t like this. I don’t like it at all. Didn’t anyone try and stop her leaving? Wait a minute! Of course!
The Beggars Alms! It’s a bar about a mile away. She thinks if she says she is off to the boat club I
won’t worry. Then a few hours later, I get a phone call from the landlord and have to go and bring her
back home. I should go and get her before she gets to the talkative stage. We don’t want her inviting
all and sundry back to the wake do we? Things are complicated enough already. (Exits front door.)
Colin: (To himself) You don’t know the half of it.
Andrew: (To Kimberly) To the brothel?
Kimberly: (To Andrew mimicking his oars) What else could I get from that?
Ester: What do we do now?
Kimberly: We need to distract Sally Ann and Jasper until we can dispose of the body.
Andrew: Or we could grab our things and get out of here as quickly as possible.
Colin: I’m all for that. Come on.
(All exit into the kitchen arguing amongst themselves. Sally Ann enters from the front door.)
Sally Ann: (Takes her headphones out but doesn’t start the music) Right, let’s get physical.
Jasper: (Re-enters) I’m telling you, there’s something strange going on.
Sally Ann: Not my problem Jasper. On a break.
Jasper: For Francesca to suddenly disappe…
Sally Ann: Break! (She puts head phones on starts to do stretches.)
(Jasper Jnr exits through the kitchen. A moment later Jasper is heard yelling and enters with a
kitchen knife in his chest. He clutches and staggers around unbeknown to Sally Ann who continues
with her workout. Freddie enters. Jasper reaches out and falls into his arms.)
Freddie: J.J! What’s happened?
Jasper: I’ve been slain Master Freddie… Lights… fading… getting… colder… talking… slow…
for dramatic… effect… Master Freddie.
Freddie: Who did this?
Jasper: It was… it was…
Freddie: Yes?
Jasper: It was… it was…
Freddie: Who was it J.J?
Jasper: If you’d stop interrupting I’ll tell you… it… was… (Dies.)
Freddie: Oh crap! (Shouts Offstage) Andrew! Andrew! (He drags Jasper Offstage to the
kitchen.)
(Music plays.)

(Sally Ann is still doing her stretches. A few seconds pass and Freddie enters looking flustered. He
stands and looks at Sally Ann. She notices him and takes out her earphones. Music stops.)
Sally Ann: Oh Hello.

Freddie: Hello.
Sally Ann: Can I help you?
Freddie: I just wondered if you were going to be here for long.
Sally Ann: Well it depends. I did wonder whether Francesca may stay on here with her being legally
dead and all. After everything that has happened she may decide to move.
Freddie: No. I mean here. Right here. Are you going to be sat here for long?
Sally Ann: I’m on a break. Now don’t you start. After all the running around I’ve done over the past
few days I’ve earned my break. A fake funeral doesn’t organise itself you know. Not that I approve
mind, but she is my employer and when all is said and done she pays for my supper so to speak.
Freddie: Would you like a walk in the garden?
Sally Ann: Oh Mr Freddie, are you suggesting…
Freddie: No. Not with me, on your own. Get some fresh air.
Sally Ann: Are you trying to get rid of me?
Freddie: Of course not.
Sally Ann: Then I’m quite happy sat here listening to my music.
(Sally sits down puts earphones in and picks up a magazine. Freddie runs over to the kitchen door
and calls Andrew in.)
Andrew: What is it?
Freddie: She won’t move.
Andrew: We can’t leave J.J here.
Freddie: I don’t know what to do.
Andrew: You are going to have to think of something. We’ve got to get him outside.
Freddie: It’s too risky.
Andrew: It’s even more risky to leave him in the kitchen.
Freddie: What do I say?
Andrew: Improvise. (Exits.)
Freddie: (Walks back to Sally Ann again) Hello. It’s me again.
Sally Ann: (Sally takes out earphones)Yes. I can see that.
Freddie: I like your hair.
Sally Ann: Thank you.
Freddie: It’s very nice. I noticed it when I came in. I thought now there’s someone who blows and
dies.
(Ester, Andrew, Colin and Kimberly enter dragging Jasper Jr. slowly across the room. Sally Ann is
oblivious but this is happening in full view of Freddie.)
Sally Ann: I do like to make an effort.
Freddie: It shows. You seem to get younger every time I see you.
Sally Ann: Oh stop it.
(Ester, Andrew, Colin, and Kimberly get about half way across the stage with Jasper Jr. It’s getting
tiring and they swap positions trying to move the body. Jasper’s hand is on top of Colin’s head with
his hand swaying back and forth in front of Colin’s face. Ester has got a leg. Kimberly has the other
leg and Andrew has got the shoulders. They progress slowly during the conversation and eventually
reach the front door.)
Freddie: I mean it. You look like a girl of half your age.
Sally Ann: I like to keep fit. (Stands) I think I will take that walk in the garden after all.
Freddie: (Sitting her back down) No. I don’t think you should.
Sally Ann: Why ever not?
Freddie: Because.
Sally Ann: Because?
Freddie: Yes.
Sally Ann: I don’t understand. Because what?
Freddie: Because, Jasper is outside watering the roses. He won’t want to be interrupted.

Sally Ann: Roses?
Freddie: Yes.
Sally Ann: This doesn’t make any sense. Something strange is going on. Where’s Ms Bloom?
Freddie: Who?
Sally Ann: Francesca. Your aunt.
Freddie: Yes my aunt. She’s outside too.
Sally Ann: Watering the roses?
Freddie: Yes. I suppose watching them bloom.
Sally Ann: Bloom? (Getting the joke and laughing) Very funny Freddie. Very good.
(They prop Jasper up next to the door. Andrew tries to open it. Unable to, he turns to the others.)
Andrew: The stupid door’s locked. Where’s the key?
(Ester and Kimberly exit through the kitchen to find the key.)
Sally Ann: I know what’s going on.
Freddie: You do?
Sally Ann: I’ve seen the way you look at me. Are you are trying to seduce me?
Freddie: No of course not.
Sally Ann: You want me to stay here with you don’t you? The two of us alone on the couch. I’m
flattered I must say. (She turns to see Jasper in the corner) Oh there you are Jasper. I was just telling
Freddie here that Francesca wouldn’t be seen dead watering roses.
(Colin and Andrew give a small forced laugh out. She turns back to Freddie as Jasper slowly slides
down the wall. Andrew and Colin pick him back up and hold on to him.)
Sally Ann: It’s slightly awkward with them here isn’t it?
Freddie: Awkward? No I don’t feel awkward at all.
Sally Ann: Don’t you.
Freddie: No. There’s nothing to feel awkward about.
(Ester and Kimberly re-enter with a key.)
Sally Ann: Well, I have read about these things you know. The rich folk carrying on without any
inhibitions at all.
Freddie: No. I mean, I’m inhibited, I mean, oh what the heck…
(Freddie takes hold of Sally Ann and kisses her. He turns her away from the front door as they
unlock the door and carry Jasper out. As they shut the door, Freddie pushes her slightly back
leaving the two of them alone in the room.)
Freddie: I’m terribly sorry. I don’t know what came over…
(Sally Ann grabs hold of Freddie and continues to kiss him who now struggles to release himself from
Sally Ann’s embrace. Andrew, Colin, Ester and Kimberly re-enter and stand amazed. Sally Ann
stops and looks at the four.)
Sally Ann: Oh you rich folk and your strange ways. (Exits kitchen with a smile.)
Colin: Holly crap. What did you do?
Kimberly: Looks like you got to taste her Belgian buns after all.
Freddie: Don’t tell me murder hasn’t got its ugly side! Where did you put him?
Kimberly: In the shed.
Andrew: Then we bury J.J and Aunt Francesca when it gets dark.
Colin: You can. I’m leaving. Come on Ester let’s get our bags.
Andrew: You can’t leave. We are all in this together.
Colin: Ester and I have done our bit and a bit more. We helped you move the bodies. This is over
for us. (Exits to the kitchen followed by Ester.)
Andrew: He’s going to lose it Freddie. I can see it coming.
Freddie: Let him go. He won’t say anything.
(Andrew exits through the kitchen followed by Kimberly and Freddie. Lights fade. Music plays.)

(Lights up. The front door is slowly opened. The Assassin is dressed in black with a balaclava on.
He holds two knives. He cautiously walks through the room when a noise is heard from the kitchen.
He hides behind the drinks cabinet as Colin enters with his suitcase followed by Ester.)
Colin: I warned you what would happen didn’t I! I said my family were nothing but trouble.
Ester: Yes, but I hardly think anyone could have predicted this.
Colin: Someone must have planned at least part of it. Auntie Fran may not have been the intended
victim but now there’s J.J. No, the sooner we get out of here the better. Oh damn.
Ester: What?
Colin: I forgot my wallet.
Ester: I’ll get it for you.
Colin: Thanks dear.
(Ester exits. Colin looks out of the window. The Assassin stands. On hearing another noise from the
kitchen he leaps onto the sofa, still clutching his knives.)
Ester: (Offstage) Did you leave it upstairs?
Colin: Yes dear.
Andrew: (Enters from the kitchen) You’re still going then?
Colin: Yes.
Andrew: Let me walk you to the car.
Colin: No it’s fine Andrew.
Andrew: Don’t you trust me?
Colin: Now look here Andrew. (Puts his suitcase down on the Assassin lying on the sofa.)
(Assassin gives out a small groan.)
Colin: I’m finding it hard to trust anyone at present.
Andrew: Surely you can’t think I’m the killer.
Colin: I don’t know what to think.
Andrew: You are as much a suspect as anyone.
Colin: The difference is I know I didn’t kill anyone.
Andrew: And so do I. There’s only one possible way out of this. We all leave tonight. We stick
together and wave and smile as we leave. If we keep to the same story, they can’t prove anything about
any of us.
Colin: But there’s still a murderer somewhere. Be honest, you’re panicking as much as I am.
Andrew: Of course I’m freakin’ panicking. (A moment. Gasps) Ah…
Colin: What?
Andrew: In all the excitement I forgot. He’ll be on his way by now.
Colin: Who will?
(Andrew makes a phone call. A phone starts ringing. They dive behind the sofa and slowly raise
their heads above it. Andrew signals that the ringing is coming from the sofa. They pick up the
suitcase and look at the motionless body on the sofa.)
Colin: Who is it?
Andrew: The hit man!
Colin: The hit man? Shouldn’t he be…
Andrew: … Killing?
Colin: Yes.
Andrew: He would have been, if you hadn’t killed him first.
Colin: Me?
Andrew: You put the suitcase on him.
Colin: That wouldn’t have killed him
Andrew: But you put the suitcase on the knives that were clutched to his chest.
Freddie: (Enters from front door out of breath) Andrew.

Andrew: What is it?
Freddie: There’s a car outside in the lane. It might be…
Andrew: … The hit man I know. It’s alright, Colin killed him.
Freddie: Oh not another one. Can’t we just go five minutes without killing someone?
Colin: It was an accident.
Andrew: Or was the accident the fact that you were caught this time?
Colin: I’m not a murderer.
Andrew: Despite evidence to the contrary. What was it you said a few minutes ago… ah yes. It’s
hard to know who to trust isn’t it?
Colin: But it’s me! Colin!
Andrew: It’s always the one you would least suspect.
(Ester enters from the kitchen.)
Freddie: You’d better get this body out of here and fast. If Kimberly sees him she’s going to want to
know who he is and then… game over for you Andy old boy.
Andrew: Colin, Ester, we’ve got another body to move.
Ester: Oh what, my back hasn’t recovered from the last one.
Freddie: (Looking out the window) I don’t mean to alarm anyone but Kimberly is walking up the
driveway with two police officers.
Andrew: She’s what? (Runs over to the window) Oh crapping hell!
Freddie: My thoughts exactly.
Andrew: Put him in the closet quick.
(Ester, Andrew and Freddie pick up the Assassin. They walk to the closet. Colin opens the closet
door to see Sally Ann in there. She slumps forward with a knife in her back. Colin catches her.)
Freddie: Already occupied!
Andrew: Colin, put her back in. The rest of us get the assassin into the kitchen.
Freddie: But what happens if Kimberly goes in there?
Andrew: Just put him in the damn kitchen!
(Andrew, Ester and Freddie drag the body into the kitchen. Colin closes the closet door. Kimberly
enters with Bridge and Henderson.)
Kimberly: As I said, I think he’s gone for his afternoon walk.
Bridge: Then we’ll wait.
Kimberly: Hello Colin. (To the Inspectors) This is my brother-in-law Colin.
Henderson: Pleased to meet you.
(Freddie, Ester and Andrew enter and stop in their tracks when they see the Inspectors.)
Kimberly: Hello. Officers, this is Andrew my husband, my brother-in-law Freddie and Colin’s wife.
Bridge: Good afternoon.
Ester: } (Together. Way too friendly)
Andrew: }
Freddie: } Good afternoon. (They all sit on the sofa.)
Henderson: I’m sorry to disturb you all. We were looking for a Mr. Jasper King Junior.
Kimberly: They’ve come about his unpaid speeding tickets.
Ester: Oh I see.
Kimberly: I was saying to the nice officers that he has gone for his afternoon walk.
Freddie: Yes. His walk. Old J.J loves his afternoon walk.
Bridge: I see.
Kimberly: Let me take your coats.
Henderson: How very kind.
(They start to take their coats off.)
Colin: } (Together)
Andrew: }
Ester: }

Freddie: } (Leaping up) No!
Andrew: I mean, we’ll take them.
Bridge: (With suspicion) Thank you.
(Andrew and Freddie take their coats. Unbeknown to the Inspectors, they throw their coats out of
the window.)
Henderson: Do you know how long he will be?
Ester: No. But I would expect him to be a long time.
Andrew: A very long time.
Freddie: All afternoon I would have thought.
Ester: Maybe into the evening.
Bridge: Really?
Freddie: Yes. Possibly into the night. He’s a very slow walker.
Henderson: And yet a very fast driver.
Freddie: Ironic isn’t it?
(The closet door starts to open. Colin sees this, runs over and closes it. He rests his back on it.)
Ester: I’m so sorry to have wasted your time, Officers.
Henderson: It’s quite alright. It’s good to get out of the office to be honest.
(Pause.)
Kimberly: Would you like a cup of tea?
Bridge: Yes please.
Henderson: Two sugars.
Andrew: No Kimberly you can’t…
Kimberly: Why not?
Freddie: The kettle’s broken.
Kimberly: Nonsense. I used it this morning.
Ester: Colin, why don’t you make the tea?
Colin: (He tries to move but feels the door opening and slams his back into it again) No, I’m
fine here thanks.
Andrew: I’ll go.
Freddie: (Aside to Andrew) What are you going to do?
Andrew: There’s only one thing for it. I’ll have to climb out the kitchen window with him.
Bridge: (To Freddie and Andrew) Sorry, what was that?
Freddie: Nothing. He was just telling me the tea is on the window ledge.
(Andrew exits to the kitchen.)
Henderson: (To Colin) Are you alright sir?
Colin: Yes. Perfectly thank you. Just back spasms.
Bridge: My cousin has back problems. Can you bend down and touch your toes?
Colin: Not at the moment.
Bridge: You know what I find works well… (Goes and stands next to Colin) Now just do exactly
what I do.
(As Bridge shows exercises for a bad back, Colin copies to the best of his ability whilst still keeping
the closet door closed. Whilst Bridge is squatting and stretching, Andrew goes past the window
dragging the Assassin behind him. He looks through the window and realises he can be seen. He
tries to duck slightly but is still visible. He passes the window, without the body, on his way back to
the kitchen. Bridge returns to the sofa. Andrew re-enters through the kitchen and sits on the sofa.)
Kimberly: Have you forgotten anything?
Andrew: Don’t think so.
Kimberly: Where’s the tea?
Andrew: The tea? Oh the tea! (Jumps up) Ha! Silly me. I’d forget my head if it wasn’t screwed on.
(Re-exits.)
(Pause.)

Henderson: I recognise your husband Mrs Butler.
Kimberly: Yes, quite a few people do.
Henderson: It’ll come to me in a minute… of course he’s Doctor Bungledoor.
Kimberly: Andrew Butler.
Bridge: I thought he looked familiar. What was that film I saw him in… ‘Through The Window’ or
something?
Kimberly: Yes, he was in that one.
Bridge: (To Colin) You really should try and sit down. Come on I’ll help you.
Ester: He’s fine. He’s seeing the chiropractor tomorrow.
(Andrew enters with tea and a smile.)
Henderson: Ah thank you.
Bridge: Me and my colleague couldn’t work it out at first, but then it came to us.
Andrew: Yes?
Henderson: We saw ‘Through The Window’
Andrew: (Panicking) What did you see? Honestly he was like that when I got here.
Henderson: Who was like what when you got here?
Kimberly: The officers were just admiring your work in the film dear.
Andrew: (His face drops before a fake laugh) Of course. Thank you.
Kimberly: Would you like another cup of tea?
Henderson: We haven’t drunk these yet? Is everything alright?
Colin: Of course.
Ester: Couldn’t be better.
Bridge: (Finishing his tea and standing) Oh well. Duty calls. Tell Mr King we’ll be back in the
morning.
Colin: Of course. We’ll tell him as soon as he returns from his walk.
Henderson: (Standing and walking to Colin) So… could we have our coats please?
Colin: You didn’t bring any coats.
Bridge: Yes we did. You took them from us.
Colin: I don’t think I did.
Ester: Are you sure?
Henderson: Yes. I know I brought one. (Going to the closet) You put them in there didn’t you?
Colin: No I didn’t.
Henderson: You are behaving very oddly. (Trying to get into the closet.)
Andrew: I didn’t give them to Colin.
Bridge: Then where the devil are they? (Seeing outside the window) Is that my…? What is my
coat doing on the lawn next to your car?
Freddie: That’s because um…
Ester: We threw them out the window.
Henderson: Why would you do that?
Ester: They needed airing. Is one of you a smoker?
Bridge: I’m going to get them.
Kimberly: Oh no is that the time? The Salvation Army closes soon and there is a lot of old junk in my
car. Come on Andrew, we need to go. (She winks.)
Andrew: What?
Kimberly: That “junk” in my car. I need to get to the “Salvation Army” before it closes. It’s in the
trunk, remember?
Andrew: Ah yes. Why don’t you do that while I fetch the detectives’ coats?
Kimberly: Splendid idea! (Takes her car keys from her pocket. Exits front door.)
Bridge: I’ve had enough of this. Something is going on here.
Freddie: I don’t know what you’re talking about?

Bridge: Obviously there is something you don’t want us to see in the boot of the car. (Opens the
front door to exit.)
Andrew: No, it’s not what it looks like.
(A massive explosion is heard outside and smoke comes in from the window. Everyone rushes to the
window apart from Henderson who catches Sally Ann as she falls out of the closet.)
Andrew: Kimberly!
Freddie: You killed her! You actually killed her!
(The lights fade.)
Scene 6 - Some Time Later:

(In the darkness a voiceover recording is heard similar to the prologue.)
Reporter: Good afternoon and here is the news. The trial of Andrew Butler, famous for his roles in
such hit films as ‘Dances With Tools’ and ‘Gone Down With The Breeze’, is expected to conclude
today. The actor and several members of his family are accused of homicide. Back to the studio.
(Ester, Colin, Freddie and Andrew stand in a spotlight at the front of the stage.)
Voiceover: (Offstage) All rise.
Judge: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury have you reached a verdict on which you are all agreed?
Head Juror: We have.
Judge: Do you find Ester Butler guilty or not guilty of conspiracy to murder?
Head Juror: Not guilty.
Judge: Do you find Freddie Butler guilty or not guilty of conspiracy to murder?
Judge: Do you find Colin Butler guilty or not guilty of conspiracy to murder?
Judge: Do you find Andrew Butler guilty or not guilty of murder?
Head Juror: Guilty
Andrew: No. I didn’t kill them! I didn’t kill them I tell you!
(The lights fade. Sound of jail doors slamming shut and being locked. Lights fade back on the empty
house. Freddie enters. He takes a drink before making a phone call.)
Freddie: No, I don’t know if the money is still here, the police have been crawling all over this house
for months. Don’t you read the newspapers? Then you know what I’ve been through. I’m doing the
best I can… three hours! You’re giving me three hours to find the one million pounds. I’ll do my best.
(Kimberly enters with a case from kitchen and is startled to see Freddie) I’m going to have to call
you back. (Hangs up) Kimberly. I see you’re in one piece after all. You know they’ve charged
Andrew with your murder I suppose.
Kimberly: He hired a hit man to kill me in this very room. Do you think I’m going to feel sorry for
him? He had to pay. (Holding up the case) He hid it very safe you know. They dug up the garden,
dusted every room but they couldn’t find it. But these old houses are good at hiding secrets. Of course
it wasn’t where Andrew originally hid it. I couldn’t risk him getting off and taking it could I? Don’t
expect me to feel bad. I’m just upset you all didn’t go down for it. When I heard you were acquitted I
knew I had to get here before you did. I knew this would be the first place you’d come. I was just
hoping our paths wouldn’t cross. But what does it matter? If they didn’t believe what happened that
day, they’re not going to believe I’m alive now. So if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a plane to catch.
Freddie: (Standing in front of the door) I’m not letting you go with my money.
Kimberly: I’ve come too far to stop now.
Freddie: What are you going to do? Kill me?
Kimberly: I’ve always cared about you Freddie, but if I have to I will.
Freddie: Just one question Kimberly. Why?
Kimberly: He didn’t love me. I knew that. I didn’t love him.

Freddie: So you framed him for murder. You killed Aunt Francesca, I guess that poison was meant
for him. You killed the staff, the only people outside the family to know she was still alive and then
faked your own death to give you the perfect alibi. Meanwhile, the rest of the family are convicted of
murder. Well nearly Kimberly, but not quite.
Kimberly: Good job, Freddie. You’ve got it all worked out except, you just got one important detail
wrong. Think about it, how could I have done all this on my own?
(Francesca enters from the kitchen.)
Freddie: Aunt?
Kimberly: Death just doesn’t keep her down does it!
Freddie: You killed them? You killed your staff?
Kimberly: No. I did that. We’ve planned this for some time.
Francesca: It was trickier than I thought. How to get you all in the same room together? That was
practically impossible. If I couldn’t even get an invite to a wedding how was I going to bring the Butler
family to its knees? I knew what I had to do. A funeral. With this ‘old bag’ dead, I was sure you’d all
come to my funeral. Jasper and Sally Ann agreed to arrange the funeral for me. Loyal to the end. On
your arrival I walked in and was murdered again. You really should have checked I was dead rather
than relying on Kimberly. At least I could rely on her. A couple of murders later and there you all
were, untrusting, panicking and wondering which one of the brothers could have done such a thing.
Kimberly: The original plan was to frame Andrew for the murders and put him behind bars. But then
Freddie, you broke my heart. So one thing led to another and why stop at two suspects? I decided you
each needed to pay, and so I made the identity of the murderer a little more obscure. You know what, it
was fun. It was a great game wasn’t it?
Freddie: You’ll pay for this.
Kimberly: Not me. I’m dead.
Francesca: And I’m doubly dead. Now as Kimberly said, we’ve got a plane to catch. Our false
passports are almost as good as my fake death certificate. Jasper Jnr never lost the old skills. He and
my husband were quite a team back in the day.
Freddie: (Picking up the metal candlestick) But what if I killed you? After all I can’t be done for
killing dead people can I? I’ve already been acquitted of your murders.
Kimberly: You’re not a killer. You’re a scallywag. A bit of a crook with some dodgy dealings. You’re
not a murderer.
Francesca: Move out of the way of the door.
Freddie: No. Are you sure someone as desperate as I am isn’t capable of anything? Now pass me my
money and we’ll call it quits.
Kimberly: Not a chance.
Freddie: Then stalemate.
(Pause.)
Kimberly: Or join us.
Freddie: What?
Kimberly: Three possibilities face you at the moment. We walk out with the money and you’re a dead
man walking when your loan shark comes after you. You kill the two of us and take the money, pay off
the sharks and start over again penniless with no credit and no-one to bail you out this time.
Freddie: What’s the third option?
Kimberly: We go together, run away to Brazil and live a happy life with over three hundred thousand
each. It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life for us.
Francesca: Well Freddie? Everybody gets what they deserve in the end.
Kimberly: Your choice.
(Freddie thinks for a moment.)
Freddie: What time’s the flight?
Kimberly: Four hours’ time. This time tomorrow we’ll be in Rio.
(Freddie puts the candlestick down.)

Francesca: Do we have a deal?
Freddie: What stops you killing me on the way to the airport?
Francesca: If we wanted to kill you, we’d have done it when we had the chance.
(He walks over to Kimberly and shakes her hand.)
Kimberly: A new life for the two of us? The way it should have been.
Francesca: You are making the right decision Freddie.
(They all smile at each other.)
Freddie: Brazil here we come!
Francesca: Right. Let’s go before we’re discovered.
(Freddie, Kimberly, and Francesca exit through the front door. There is a pause for a few seconds
and then a car is heard driving away. After a couple of seconds Ester appears outside the window.)
Ester: Colin? Colin? Where are you? (She disappears to enter through the front door a couple
of seconds later. She walks over to the closet and knocks on the door) Colin? It’s alright they’ve
gone.
(Ester opens the closet door. Colin smiles holding another case. He steps out.)
Colin: Are you sure they’ve gone?
Ester: Positive. The switch worked like a charm.
Colin: (Opens up the case to reveal money) They get your underwear and my collection of
accountancy magazines we get one million dollars. I’ve got to tell you something, Ester.
Ester: What’s that?
Colin: Aunt Francesca’s funeral is the best I’ve ever been too. Things are looking up, Ester.
Things are finally looking up!
(He throws the money up in the air and laughs uncontrollably as the curtains close lights fade.)

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Butler Did It!

Andrew Butler - A movie star with a shady secret.

Kimberly Butler - Andrew’s new wife.

Freddie Butler - Andrew’s brother. A compulsive gambler.

Colin Butler - Andrew’s brother; a nervous wreck.

Ester Butler - Colin’s Wife.

Sally Ann Downing - An eccentric confused maid.

Jasper King Jnr - A 104-year-old Butler.

Francesca Bloom – the Butler brothers’ aunt

Detective Bridge - A weary detective.

Detective Henderson - An enthusiastic detective.

Dawson - A temporary laywer assigned to the case.

Published by Lazy Bee Scripts

© 2013 by Robert Scott Page 1 www.lazybeescripts.co.uk

Scene 2 - Friday 8:00am:

© 2013 by Robert Scott Page 2 www.lazybeescripts.co.uk

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Scene 3 - Friday 8:50am:

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Scene 4 - Friday 9:45am:

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Scene 5 - Freddie’s Interrogation:

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Scene 6 - Friday 10:25am:

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© 2013 by Robert Scott Page 13 www.lazybeescripts.co.uk

Scene 7 - Ester’s Interrogation:

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Scene 8 - Friday 11:05am:

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Scene 2 - Colin’s Interrogation:

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Scene 3 - Friday 11:45pm:

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Scene 4 - Friday 12:15pm:

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© 2013 by Robert Scott Page 26 www.lazybeescripts.co.uk

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Scene 6 - Some Time Later:

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© 2013 by Robert Scott Page 33 www.lazybeescripts.co.uk

© 2013 by Robert Scott Page 34 www.lazybeescripts.co.uk