Jokes On Accountants

77 JOKES FOR
ACCOUNTANTS
Courtesy of Email Stopwatch www.emailstopwatch.com

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How does an accountant stay out of
debt? He learns to act his wage.
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Did you hear about the blonde Management Accountant? She went to see
her fitness trainer to talk about stretch targets. 
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t? Depreciation. 
Why do economists exist?  
So accountants have someone to laugh at.
There are just two rules for creating a
successful accountancy business:  
1. Don't tell them everything you know.  
2. [Redacted]
What does an accountant say when you ask him the
time? It's 9.18 am and 12 seconds; no wait 13
seconds, no wait 14 seconds, no wait...... 
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Why was the accountant so excited that he
completed a jigsaw puzzle in only 59 weeks?
Because on the box it said 8-12 Years. 
What's an extroverted accountant?  
One who looks at your shoes while he's
talking to you instead of his own.
What does an accountant say when boarding
a train? 'Mind the GAAP'. 
It's 4:04. Do you know where your auditor is? 
What is the definition of "accountant"?
Someone who solves a problem you didn’t
know you had in a way you don’t understand. 
How do you know when an accountant is on holiday?
He doesn't wear a tie and comes in after 8am! 
What's grey and not there? An accountant on
vacation.
When does a person decide to become an
accountant? When he realizes he doesn't have
the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures
Be audit you can be.
What do actuaries do to liven up their
office party? Invite an accountant.
What is the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him. 
An accountant goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner
shows him three parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left
costs $500."  
"Why does that parrot cost so much?" asks the accountant.  
"Well," replies the owner, "it knows how to do complex audits."  
"How much does the middle parrot cost?" asks the accountant.”  
"That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the first one can do,
plus it knows how to prepare financial forecasts."  
The startled accountant asks about the third parrot, to be told it costs
$4,000.  
Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?" to which the
owner replies "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the
other two call him Senior Partner."
A woman went to the doctor who told her she only had 6 months to live. 
 
"Oh my God!" said the woman. "What shall I do?" 
 
"Marry an accountant," suggested the doctor. 
 
"Why?" asked the woman. "Will that make me live longer?" 
 
"No," replied the doctor. "But it will SEEM longer." 
Why did the cannibal accountant get
disciplined? For buttering up her clients. 
Why don’t accountants read novels? Because
the only numbers in them are page numbers.
It's accrual world.
What's the difference between an
accountant and a lawyer?  
The accountant knows he's boring.
Did you hear about the fraudulent Irish Finance Director?
He burned his office down trying to cook the books. 
What's an accountant's favourite book? 50
Shades of Grey.
What music is played at a financial accountant's
funeral? The Last Post.
What do you call an accountant who always
works through lunch, takes two days holiday every
two years, is in the office every weekend, and
leaves every night after 10 p.m.? Lazy.
Why do some accountants decide to become
actuaries? They find bookkeeping too exciting.
Did you hear about the cannibal CPA? She
charges an arm and a leg.
Have you heard the joke about the interesting
accountant? No. Me neither.
What do you call an accountant who says he's
posted a one-sided journal? A liar!!
Did you hear about the constipated CFO?
He couldn't budget with his calculator so he had to
work it out with a pencil and paper. 
What do you call an accountant without a
spreadsheet? Lost.
How do you drive an accountant completely
insane? Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him
and fold a road map the wrong way. 
Where do homeless accountants live? In a tax
shelter.
Why are accountants always so calm, composed,
and methodical? They have strong internal controls. 
Why do accountants get excited on weekends?
Because they can wear casual clothes to work. 
Why don't old accountants die? They just lose
their balance!
Why did the accountant stare at his glass of orange juice
for three hours? Because on the box it said Concentrate. 
What's an actuary? An accountant without the
sense of humour.
What do accountants do for fun? Add the
telephone book!
If an accountant's wife cannot sleep, what does she
say? "Darling, could you tell me about your work." 
Why was the accountant in rehab?
Solvency abuse.
What's grey on the inside and red on the outside?
An accountant turned inside out.
How do accountants make a bold fashion statement?
Wear their dark grey socks instead of the light grey. 
How does an accountant trash her hotel room?
By refusing to fill in the Guest Comment Card. 
There are 3 types of accountants.  
Those who can count and those who can't.
What's grey has 6 legs, 2 arms and is twenty feet
tall? An accountant riding an elephant. 
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for
doing well.
What do you call an accountant without a
calculator? Lonely.
How was copper wire invented? 2 accountants
were arguing over a penny.
An accountancy student asks a partner to explain ethics in
accountancy.  
 
The partner thinks for a moment and relates the following. 
 
'Mr Jones, one of our clients, came to see me last week and paid
me his bill of $1,000 in cash. As he left I counted the notes and they
came to $1,100.’ 
 
The student said, ‘I see. The ethics question is do I tell the client?' 
 
'Wrong answer!  
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The question is do I tell my partner' jokes on Twitter
Welcome to the accounting department,
where everybody counts. 
What do you call an accountant who is seen
talking to someone? Popular
How can you tell when the chief accountant is
getting soft?  
When he actually listens to marketing before saying
no. 
An economist is someone who didn't have
enough personality to become an accountant. 
Why did the auditor get run over crossing the road?  
 
Auditors never do the risk assessment well until after
the accident. 
Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers,
others line the customers, including the accountants, up against
a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. 
 
While this is going on accountant number one jams something
in accountant number two's hand.  
 
Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What
is this?" 
 
Accountant number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you." 
How many accountants does it take to change a
light bulb? How much money do you have?
What does CPA stand for? Can't Pass Again. 
How does Santa's accountant value his sleigh?
Net Present Value.
What do you call a trial balance that doesn't
balance? A late night.
An accountant is having a hard time
sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"  
"That's the problem I make a mistake and
then spend three hours trying to find it."
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says,
"Want to hear an accountant joke?"  
 
The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you
should know that I'm 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I'm an
accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 225
pounds, and he's an accountant. Now, do you still want to tell
that joke?"  
 
The first guy says, "No, I don't want to have to explain it two
times."
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Budget: An orderly system for living beyond your
means.
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary
people don't? Depreciation.
What did the accountant say when he got a blank
check on pay day?
My deductions have finally caught up with my salary. 
Did you hear about the shy and retiring accountant?
He’s $1 million shy and hence retiring.
A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately
searching for an accountant.  
 
Her friend asks, "Didn't your company hire an accountant a short
while ago?"  
 
The business owner replies, "That's the accountant I've been
searching for." 
Accounting for Dummies. What's the big deal? Cr.
Cash Dr. Dummies. Simple.
Accountants don’t die, they get derecognized.
Four Laws of Accounting: 
 
1. Trial balances don't. 
2. Bank reconciliations never do. 
3. Working capital does not. 
4. Return on investments never will. 
An accountant is reading nursery rhymes to her
young child. When she is finished, she answers
her son’s question: "No, son. When Little Bo Peep
lost her sheep that wouldn't be tax deductible —
but I like your thinking.” 

Why did the accountant start smoking?
So he can deduct cigarettes from his
income tax. Called it loss by fire. 
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one
evening which read: "Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the
time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my
beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary." 
 
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him
that read as follows: "Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and
by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel
with my eighteen year old boy toy. Because you are an
accountant, you will surely appreciate that l8 goes into 54 many
more times than 54 goes into 18." 
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An accountant visited the Natural History museum. While
standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor: "This
dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old". 
 
"Where did you get this exact information?" 
 
"I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that
the dinosaur is two billion years old.” 
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Contact Us
Email Stopwatch
Laura Berthiaume
647.909.9501
laura@emailstopwatch.com

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77 JOKES FOR

Courtesy of Email Stopwatch www.emailstopwatch.com

• Go to http://emailstopwatch.com to learn more

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