Samuel Beckett - Texts For Nothing No. 4

Samuel Beckett – Texts for
Nothing, #4
!
Where would I go, if I could go, who would I be, if I could be, what would I say, if
I had a voice, who says this, saying it’s me? Answer simply, someone answer
simply. It’s the same old stranger as ever, for whom alone accusative I exist, in the
pit of my inexistence, of his, of ours, there’s a simple answer. It’s not with thinking
he’ll find me, but what is he to do, living and bewildered, yes, living, say what he
may. Forget me, know me not, yes, that would be the wisest, none better able than
he. Why this sudden affability after such desertion, it’s easy to understand, that’s
what he says, but he doesn’t understand. I’m not in his head, nowhere in his old
body, and yet I’m there, for him I’m there, with him, hence all the confusion. That
should have been enough for him, to have found me absent, but it’s not, he wants
me there, with a form and a world, like him, in spite of him, me who am
everything, like him who is nothing. And when he feels me void of existence it’s
of his he would have me void, and vice versa, mad, mad, he’s mad. The truth is
he’s looking for me to kill me, to have me dead like him, dead like the living. He
knows all that, but it’s no help his knowing it, I don’t know it, I know nothing. He
protests he doesn’t reason and does nothing but reason, crooked, as if that could
improve matters. He thinks words fail him, he thinks because words fail him he’s
on his way to my speechlessness, to being speechless with my speechlessness, he
would like it to be my fault that words fail him, of course words fail him. He tells
his story every five minutes, saying it is not his, there’s cleverness for you. He
would like it to be my fault that he has no story, of course he has no story, that’s no
reason for trying to foist one on me. That’s how he reasons, wide of the mark, but
wide of what mark, answer us that. He has me say things saying it’s not me,
there’s profundity for you, he has me who say nothing say it’s not me. All that is
truly crass. If at least he would dignify me with the third person, like his other
figments, not he, he’ll be satisfied with nothing less than me, for his me. When he
had me, when he was me, he couldn’t get rid of me quick enough, I didn’t exist, he
couldn’t have that, that was no kind of life, of course I didn’t exist, any more than
he did, of course it was no kind of life, now he has it, his kind of life, let him lose
it, if he wants to be in peace, with a bit of luck. His life, what a mine, what a life,
he can’t have that, you can’t fool him, ergo it’s not his, it’s not him, what a
thought, treat him like that, like a vulgar Molloy, a common Malone, those mere
mortals, happy mortals, have a heart, land him in that shit, who never stirred, who
is none but me, all things considered, and what things, and how considered, he had
only to keep out of it. That’s how he speaks, this evening, how he has me speak,
how he speaks to himself, how I speak, there is only me, this evening, here, on
earth, and a voice that makes no sound because it goes towards none, and a head
strewn with arms laid down and corpses fighting fresh, and a body, I nearly forgot.
This evening, I say this evening, perhaps it’s morning. And all these things, what
things, all about me, I won’t deny them any more, there’s no sense in that any
more. If it’s nature perhaps it’s trees and birds, they go together, water and air, so
that all may go on, I don t need to know the details, perhaps I’m sitting under a
palm. Or it’s a room, with furniture, all that’s required to make life comfortable,
dark, because of the wall outside the window. What am I doing, talking, having
my figments talk, it can only be me. Spells of silence too, when I listen, and hear
the local sounds, the world sounds, see what an effort I make, to be reasonable.
There’s my life, why not, it is one, if you like, if you must, I don’t say no, this
evening. There has to be one, it seems, once there is speech, no need of a story, a
story is not compulsory, just a life, that’s the mistake I made, one of the mistakes,
to have wanted a story for myself, whereas life alone is enough. I’m making
progress, it was time, I’ll learn to keep my foul mouth shut before I’m done, if
nothing foreseen crops up. But he who somehow comes and goes, unaided from
place to place, even though nothing happens to him, true, what of him? I stay here,
sitting, if I’m sitting, often I feel sitting, sometimes standing, it’s one or the other,
or lying down, there’s another possibility, often I feel lying down, it’s one of the
three, or kneeling. What counts is to be in the world, the posture is immaterial, so
long as one is on earth. To breathe is all that is required, there is no obligation to
ramble, or receive company, you may even believe yourself dead on condition you
make no bones about it, what more liberal regimen could be imagined, I don’t
know, I don’t imagine. No pomt under such circumstances in saying I am
somewhere else, someone else, such as I am I have all I need to hand, for to do
what, I don’t know, all I have to do, there I am on my own again at last, what a
relief that must be. Yes, there are moments, like this moment, when I seem almost
restored to the feasible. Then it goes, all goes, and I’m far again, with a far story
again, I wait for me afar for my story to begin, to end, and again this voice cannot
be mine. That’s where I’d go, if I could go, that’s who I’d be, if I could be.

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