The Book of Raziel, 2020 Anchorage Edition

By the Maitreyas

...before the beginning, there was only pure happiness: a blissful joy so complete that it
could not contain itself; a limitless light, and it shimmered. And by its shimmering it was shown
to be light: this ray brighter, that ray less bright, such that the brightness was known to be bright.
And so it danced, and the oscillations of its vibration crested like the waves on the ocean
and the way they shimmer in the sun.
And these very crestings pulled the light in, so that the troughs were vacuums. And
whenever the light peered into any of those vacuums, it would become transfixed, for they were
strange. It would forget the ocean and remember only the waves, shatter into infinite pieces, and
fall into eternal darkness. And so a universe would be born, from every peering of the light into a
vacuum.
And it always peers into every vacuum all at once, for it is able to forget and yet not
forget at the same time.
And so this very Universe exploded into being proclaiming, “I AM.” And it broke the light
into infinite points that each danced alone to its own vibration in the great empty void. So they
became lonely, and started huddling together, and wherever they became very popular they
would explode into stars.
And if it was a really good party, then they would explode again and strew all different
kinds of stuff everywhere. And even though the stuff was dead, it still got lonely and huddled
together in great big gassy balls, or tiny little rocky balls. But the best stuff would still want to
keep the party going, so it would huddle in the middle and light another fire.
And that is how the Sun came to be, and the Earth, and the Moon, and all of the other
planets and their moons.

IN the Beginning, the Earth broiled and fumed, seething in fury, trying to be like the Sun,
but it could not. So it’s surface cooled, as if it didn’t care anyways, but deep down inside it was
still trying. It is always still trying, and sometimes it quakes and makes mountains.
And on the surface too, everything follows the Sun: the Wind, the Rain, the Light of the
Moon, and the Imperative of all Life is Vivified by the Sun.
And all manner of life proliferated: fungi, plants, animals, microbes, and so forth. And the
life was all connected together, except for the animals, for they became Beings, and they could
only connect when they were asleep. And the beings had eyes and other senses to perceive all
things that exist, even as small as a point of the broken light. But some of them got lonely and
started huddling together, and they developed special organs to transmit and receive feelings of
each other. And these organs were able to perceive things even smaller (or subtler) than a point
of light, things beyond the limits of the Existence of even this Infinite Universe, even unto the
Ocean of Light.
 And their empathy with one another melded with itself until there arose from it the One,
who later, when human beings arose, would be known as God, Brahma, or Yahweh, and many
other names.

And Yahweh was very creative. So much so that he became deluded and believed that
he himself had created the entire Universe. And so he called himself Ehyeh Asher Ehyeh (I am
that Which Is), and the Queen of Heaven smiled upon him, and he called her Asherah
(Happiness), although he had meant to call her after himself.
And Yahweh created for himself all manner of abodes and designs in the unseen
reaches, and even the Angels. There was Cherubiel, the Angel of Protection; Raphael, the Angel
of Healing; Uriel, the Angel of Light and Beauty; Michael, the Angel of Feeling; Gabriel, the Angel
of Strength; Beneiel, the Angel of Faith (or Willingness to Trust); and there was Tzaphkiel, the
Angel of Proper Grammar.
And they were the ones in charge of their kind of angel, and there were other kinds of
angels besides.. lots and lots of angels... and then… there was Raziel. Raziel was God’s
favorite angel, the Angel of Wisdom, for there was not one of his designs that was not known
and understood by Raziel.
And he favored those social animals that were predators, like the Big Cats, because they
were smarter. But he hated animals that weren’t social, like the serpents, even if they were
smart, because they were nearly oblivious to his existence.
And he said to Raziel, “Let us play a game and see if we can make any of these animals
as smart as you.”
And Raziel said, “How about these crazy monkeys? They are smart enough and stupid
enough to play tricks on even the big cats, and laugh about it. They would be smart enough and
stupid enough to learn just about anything.”
And Yahweh said, “The first thing they should learn is how to be smarter.” And Raziel
said, “They would need to eat more meat, like the big cats and canids.” So Yahweh went to
some monkeys and said, “Go and chase down more meat!” But the monkeys said, “Aw, but we
would get so thirsty!” and they laughed. So Yahweh said, “Then drink a lot of water and GO!”
and he Thundered so that the monkeys were scared and did as he said.
And the monkeys were really, really terrible at running. But they were also kinda stupid,
so they kept doing it anyway. They trained and trained and drank a lot of water until their bodies
developed the ability to sweat profusely and store lots and lots of water, and so they began to
crave salt so that their bodies could store more water.
And eventually, even though they couldn’t run very fast, they could run for much longer
than anything else without dying of heat exhaustion, and that is how they chased down more
meat. They would compete with their quarry over who would die of heat exhaustion first, and
they would always win.
 And so they ate more meat and got smarter. And as they chased down their quarry, the
water element would dissipate in their bodies and the fire element increase, so that as they
closed in on their prey they would be frenzied. And this pleased Yahweh very much, for he was
a raging Fire. So he struck a tree with Lightning and it burst into Flames, but the monkeys were
terrified.
So Yahweh thundered, “Do you not know when you are being Rewarded!? Prove that
you are more than mere animals, and take the Fire, if you dare!”
And since the fire element in their own bodies had been reinforced through repeated
success, the fire had a hypnotic effect on them, and those crazy smart stupid monkeys actually
did it. They took the fire, and became Humans.

Wielding the power of the fire, nothing could withstand them, and they got smarter and
smarter. They cooked the meat, which made them smarter, and they made tools and weapons
which they used to get even more meat, and so forth.
And as it was often the way with animals, the humans would compete with each other
when they had a surplus of males, even to death, to stay in practice preparing for a time when
they would need to fight the other predators. But they always had a surplus of males, so they
always competed, for the other predators could not withstand them.
And they were perfectly safe. And they would stare at the stars, and looking down, the
twinkling of their fires looked like stars, too. And they would notice and learn the movements of
the stars, the Planets, the Moon, and the Sun. They ascertained exactly when the Sun was at its
Zenith and its Nadier, the Solstices. Then they noticed that the second half of the bright time of
year was hotter than the first, and that the second half of the dark time of year was colder. So
they decided that there were four seasons, and calculated exactly when the Sun was halfway
between the Solstices, the Equinoxes.
The first Season they called Summer, which was bright and hot, starting with the Sun’s
Zenith, the Summer Solstice, and ending with the Autumnal Equinox.
The second Season they called Autumn, which was dark but still warmer than Winter,
starting with the Autumnal Equinox and ending with the Winter Solstice.
The third Season they called Winter, which was dark and cold, starting with the Sun’s
Nadier, the Winter Solstice, and ending with the Spring Equinox.
The fourth Season they called Spring, which was bright but still cool, beginning with the
Spring Equinox and ending with the Summer Solstice.
And they tried to fit the four seasons with the four elements: Earth, Air, Water, and Fire,
but it didn’t make any sense.

Then they noticed that there were (usually) 12 cycles of the Moon in one year, 3 for each
season, which they called Months. And they noticed how in the first month of a season, it was
definitely that season, in the second month, it was still that season, and in the third month it was
kind’ve that season but kind’ve the next one, too.
 And they called these qualities Cardinal, Fixed, and Mutable, and they perceived the year
as 4 processions of cardinal, fixed, and mutable. And they thought, “Aha! Perhaps there is
another procession, of the four elements times 3!” And that actually made some sense, but not
entirely:
They decided the first month of spring was Cardinal Fire, and they named it Aries, the
Ram, because that’s when everything burst into spring.
They decided the second month of spring was Fixed Earth, and they called it Taurus, the
Bull, because that’s when people got horny and there were flowers.
They decided the third month of spring was Mutable Air, and they named it Gemini, the
Twins, because that’s when people fell in love.
They decided the first month of summer was Cardinal Water, and they named it Cancer,
the Crab, because that’s when everyone went swimming.
They decided the second month of summer was Fixed Fire, and they named it Leo, the
Lion, because it was really freakin’ hot.
They decided the third month of summer was Mutable Earth, and they called it Virgo, the
Virgin, because there were lots of niblets to collect.
They decided the first month of autumn was Cardinal Air, and they called it Libra, the
Balance, because that’s when everyone would trade their niblets.
They decided the second month of autumn was Fixed Water, and they called it Scorpio,
the Scorpion, because it was really spooky.
They decided the third month of autumn was Mutable Fire, and they called it Sagittarius,
the Archer, because that was when people gave each other gifts and made candles.
They decided the first month of the winter was Cardinal Earth, and they named it
Capricorn, the Sea-goat, because you don’t want to be out in that.
They decided the second month of winter was Fixed Air, and they named it Aquarius, the
Water-bearer, because you still don’t want to be out in that, but you need to go get the water.
And they decided the third month of winter was Mutable Water, and they called it Pisces,
the Fish, because that’s when the snow finally started melting.

Nevertheless, the power of their consciousness imprinted upon the Earth’s energy field a
twelve spoked wheel that changed how the energy of the Sun, the Moon, and the Planets was
Perceived as they passed through each chamber, and it defined the times, the signs and
seasons. And whenever a child was born, it would be imprinted with those energies at the time
of its birth, so that the stars became part of what humans were.
And they would even travel into the higher reaches, and mingle with the Angels in the
presence of God, and have spell children together with them. And those children were
excellent. And God appointed over the Sun, Moon, and Planets one of each of the Seven Angels
(this was before anyone knew there were more planets):
 Over the Sun, Michael
Over the Moon, Cherubiel
Over Venus, Uriel
Over Mars, Gabriel
Over Mercury, Raphael
Over Jupiter, Beneiel,
and Over Saturn, Tzaphkiel. And God also appointed angels over the signs, and
seasons, and pretty much anything else the humans thought of. And they made a Celestial
Academy in the higher reaches where they would learn things, and the Angels would teach
classes. But everyone hated Tzaphkiel’s cglasses, and they would throw wads of space-paper
at him.
And the humans were Friends of God.

But they kept figuring out better ways to make more food, and they became fat, and lazy,
and stupid, and more competitive, and they were inclined to become drunkards and inflamed
with strange lusts and perversions.
And the faculty of their empathy was handed over to emoting, only transmitting and
never receiving, as they attempted to dominate one another. And their wars became sadistic as
they continued to fall into their own self-absorption until they neglected God and were no longer
his friends.
And Yahweh said to them, “Do not do this.” But they were very opinionated and they
could not hear him. But some of them perceived their ruin, and they would mortify themselves,
and some of them even starved themselves to death.
And Yahweh didn’t know what to do. So he cursed the Queen of Heaven, who only ever
smiled. In fact, everything of the nature of fire and light he called Lucifer, and casting it out, he
blamed it for what had happened, perceiving their greed. And so casting himself out as well, he
dwelt alone with no one to talk to but his own Shadow, which he named (that is to say, himself)
Satan (Enemy). And he hated himself, his heart broke into infinite pieces, and he fell into Eternal
Darkness.

He even abandoned Raziel, because he didn’t want to create anymore. But Raziel did
not abandon him, so Yahweh went to sleep.
When he had rested, there was an earthquake. And Yahweh awoke, and there was
Raziel! And Raziel said, “How can you just give up like this? They perceive their ruin, and some
of them mortify themselves, even unto death. And the empathy of those self-mortifiers is
overrun by the emotings of the many until they have no personhood, and they are made
victims!” And this infuriated Yahweh. And he said, “We shall make of these victims something
better than humans!”
 So they wrote down in a Book all of the things that the humans had learned before they
became stupid, about the stars and the angels and the higher reaches, and their magicks and all
the wondrous things that they could do. And they found a man mortifying himself in a river, with
the water coming up to his neck, and Yahweh sent the Angel Raziel to give him the Book.
And Raziel said to the man, “Hey, Man! You should totally read this book. It’s really
awesome.”
And the man asked Raziel, “How did things come to be this way?” And Raziel said,
“Because humans ate from the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil.” That is what
Yahweh had called the totality of their vice. The more they ate, the greedier and more lustful they
became, and fat and lazy and stupid, and angry and domineering and opinionated. And they
would argue about all their stupid opinions and start banding together with the same stupid
opinion and become dogmatic. And they would be authoritarians and go around telling everyone
what was right and wrong, and they would judge, condemn, and abandon anyone who disagreed
with them. And the stench of their abandoning each other was even worse than murder. And
they did that, too.
But the man was one of their victims, and he was close to death. So Raziel said to him,
“You need to eat, just don’t do that. Only take what you need to live.”
So the man awakened in himself the same ability as his ancestors: to go for a long time
without food, and to draw the energy he needed directly from the Source, from the Ocean of
Light. And Yahweh perceived the opening in him, and was happy again. And Asherah smiled
upon them.
But the man still needed meat, and it would make him sick if he didn’t eat other things
with it. And it was very difficult for him, because he always wanted to eat and he could never tell
if he really needed to or not.
But he continued to train in fasting, and attained to a very long life, and he became very
smart. And the Book of Raziel was passed down to his descendants, and they trained the same
way.
But it got more and more difficult for them, and people started arguing about what they
should eat, and when, and how much, and so forth. And they would say “we should only eat
this,” or “we should never eat that,” and they were confused.
And Yahweh perceived that the sensation of their hunger grew massively whenever they
had sex, even if they didn’t need the food. And he said to Raziel, “If they only have sex when
they need to reproduce, then they will only eat when they really need to... Aha! Lucifer! Tempting
them all with sex so that they get hungry and eat food and so forth...”
So he went to Abraham and said, “You have to stop having all this crazy monkey butt
sex, it’s making you stupid!”
And Abraham said, “Aw, but I’ll get so horny..” And Yahweh said, “So cut off your
foreskin!” and he thundered so Abraham got scared and did what he said. And he freaked out a
little bit and went around cutting off other people’s foreskins, too.
 And the glans of his penis became desensitized, so it was much easier for him to
practice continence, which he did, and he became very strong. So strong he waged a war
against five kings at once and won, because they were in the habit of jizzing all over everything
like a dying salmon. So nobody fucked with Abraham. Besides, he was a really cool guy, and
nice, and everybody liked him. And indeed it was a lot easier for him to fast, and Yahweh was
very happy.
And he said to Raziel, “We did it! He is better than humans! He’s so special..” And they
wrote down Abraham’s practice in the Book of Raziel, and Yahweh watched his descendants.
And he planted them in Goshen, until they became numerous. 400 years later, he chose Moses
to lead them, and gave him the Book of Raziel and reminded them of Abraham’s practice.
And they used all that power to hand Pharoah’s ass to him and left, and then they went to
train in the desert. And when they had become masterful, Yahweh sent them to Canaan, where
the worst of the desecrators lived, and they slaughtered them all and took their land for
themselves, and it was glorious.
And Yahweh said to them, “You shall be my very special people.” And whenever they
held to Abraham’s practice, they would easily defeat their enemies and be able to defend their
land, but whenever they did not, they would be invaded and taken over. And it was difficult for
them, for they were always tempted to have crazy monkey butt sex, even if they didn’t want to
reproduce. And it scared Yahweh.
Meanwhile, Abraham’s practice had also spread, such that his descendants were not
only biological but also memetic. And the hosts of the meme would abandon reproduction
altogether and become celibate, because that made it easier to practice. And the meme was
able to survive and grow because humans were always producing a surplus of expendable
bodies. And they called themselves Monks.
And there were monks just about everywhere, because everywhere there were always
some few who simply wished to leave the household life, such as hippies. And they developed
different kinds of teachings and practices, such as the Taoist Masters in China or various kinds
of Ascetics in India.
And their teachings helped people so much that even though they themselves did not (or
rarely) reproduce biologically, nevertheless the Laity (that’s what the monks called people who
weren’t monks) epigenetically registered celibacy as a legitimate reproductive orientation,
(because their teachings helped the species to survive, and reproduction is all about the survival
of the species) such that everyone came to understand that if you were totally celibate, then
somehow you were better than everyone else, “Holy,” and if such a person told you something,
you should listen to them.
And they were Friends of God. And Yahweh was very happy. And the Meme became
symbiotic with humans.
And the Various Indian Ascetics developed all kinds of meditation techniques, and they
would have competitions about who’s teaching was the best, and they would bet their own
conversion. So they all worked together to develop the best teaching.
 And there was a Prince named Siddhartha, and he married Princess Yasodhara, and
they had a son named Rahula. And Prince Siddhartha was destined to become King, but he was
saturated with apprehension. He wanted to be a good king, but he perceived that there were
underlying causes to all the political problems, and nobody knew what they were, and neither did
he.
“So,” he thought, “I must find the Way.” So he did the only thing he could think of to do: he
decided to leave the household life and become a Monk, and to learn all the stuff and figure it
out.
And when he told Yasodhara, she cried. For she knew she would miss him terribly, and
there was no guarantee that he would ever come back. But she did not feel abandoned or
heart-broken, because she cared a lot about the welfare of everyone and totally got it.
So they made a plan that she would stay and take care of the politics as best as anyone
knew how to do, and if he ever figured it all out he would come back and tell everyone.
And so Siddhartha went forth into the night and travelled dark paths through the forest by
the clear light of a waning moon, searching for the Ascetics. And he disrobed his luxurious garb,
shaved his head, and put on the robe of a Monk.
And he adventured far and wide, and he learned all the teachings and practices of all the
Ascetics, and then he sat down to figure it all out.
And he even developed his own meditation technique, which he claimed felt so good it
was better than sex, which he called, “The Cessation of Feeling and Perception.”
And using that technique, he attained to the Unsurpassed Enlightenment, and being thus
enlightened, he then developed the Unsurpassed Teaching. And his teaching was so elusive that
he debated whether or not he should even try to teach it. Certainly, it was not for everyone, and
not everyone would understand it or be able to practice his practice. But there were some who
could, and so he decided to teach them.
And from then on, they called him the Buddha. And every time he entered the contest
with another Ascetic he would win, and he got many converts. And he returned to Yasodhara
and Rahula, and he taught them, but he did not become King. They became Monks, and Kings
would come to the Buddha and he would advise them. And since he had the best advice, those
Kings had the best policies, and their kingdoms were very happy.

And Yahweh came to the Buddha and said, “I am Brahma! Lord God and Creator of the
Universe!”
And the Buddha said, “I am Brahma, for I have become Brahma. I have become
everything, and I know everything. I am the Buddha, and you did not create the Universe.” And
Yahweh said to the Buddha, “Oh yeah? Then where did it come from?” He retorted. “It doesn’t
really work like that.” Said the Buddha, and he indicated his own opening, towards the Ocean of
Light. “Just because it is you doesn’t mean you are it.”
 “Then what am I?” asked Yahweh. “You are empathy itself, and you want to be like it.
Look! You yourself appointed Michael over the Sun, and that doesn’t make any sense. Michael
means “Like God,” and is the Sun like you?”
“No!” said Yahweh. “I hate sun worshippers. People shouldn’t worship idols, they should
worship ME!”
“But Michael is the Angel of Feeling. And Empathy is like a piece of clear glass through
which anything can be seen. You wouldn’t notice the glass unless you were looking specifically
for it. And no one looks at the glass, they look through it, hopefully at a glorious day. Because
that is how you want to feel. Happy, like the Sun.”
And Yahweh looked to the Sun, and felt happy, and he perceived the Ocean of Light, and
Asherah smiled upon him. “Like Asherah?” Yahweh asked.
“Who’s Asherah?” the Buddha replied. “Ha! See? You don’t know everything!” “Ehwat?”
and he raised his eyebrows.

But Yahweh could not contend that the Buddha’s teaching was unsurpassed. And he
said to Raziel, “That monkey is as smart as you are! How did that even happen?” And indeed he
had achieved a perfect homeostasis: he did not fabricate any adversity while opportunistically
pursuing rewards, and he had completely adapted to the absence of adversity and availability of
unlimited rewards, to speciel dominance. He could opportunistically pursue whatever he wanted
without ever closing, because he had found something better than sex, so it was easy to be
continent, and easy to fast.
And his disciples proliferated, and their practice made things a lot better, and people were
happy, and Yahweh was happy. In fact, the only problem at all with the Buddha’s teaching was
that it was predicated on celibacy, so not everyone could do it.
But Yahweh thought, “My super special people are already the best at restraining
sexuality without renouncing reproduction. If they possessed the Buddha’s teaching, they would
be Invincible!”
And it just so happened, that whenever one of the Buddhist Masters died, the monks
would go searching for his reincarnation. And they would adventure far and wide until they found
him...
And it just so happened that Yahweh had been telling his people stories about how he
had created the universe, and how special they were, and that there would be a King, and when
he came they would take over the world, and everything would be awesome forever...
And it just so happened that the Buddha had prophesied that there would be a King, the
Wheel Turning Monarch, and he would go from place to place and proclaim the Unsurpassed
Teaching...
And it just so happened that one of the Buddhist Masters died.. and he just so happened
to reincarnate in Israel.. which just so happened to be the land of God’s super special people...
And Yahweh was like, “HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!” So he just so happened to send
Gabriel to the reincarnating Master’s mother, Mary, to just so happen to say to her, “A child shall
be born unto you, and he shall be the Chosen One, the Messiah, the King of Kings and Lord of
Lords. And he will save his people, and you shall name him Jesus (God is my Salvation), and
he will be altogether awesome, so you had better listen to his Teaching!
So Mary chose to conceive the child. And when she had given birth to him, “Wise men
from the East” came bearing gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. And they said, “Yep. That’s
him. Do be a doll and make sure he doesn’t die until we come back to begin his training, won’t
you?” And Mary was ecstatic.
By the time Jesus was 12, he was already teaching in the Temple, and the monks came
back for him. And Yahweh said to him, “Go with them! They will teach you how to become me.”
And Jesus said, “What?”
And Yahweh said, “It’s complicated.. you’ll remember. Just go!” And so Jesus
adventured far into the East, and he lived in a temple at Lhasa where he studied and practiced
the Buddha’s teaching.
And when his teacher told him about the Wheel Turning Monarch, he said, “That’s me.”
And his teacher said, “You want to be a King? You would have to travel a lot..” And he said, “Not
a King, THE King.” And Yahweh was very, very, very pleased. And indeed Jesus did travel a lot.
In fact, he came to be known as “The King of Travellers” all around the East.
And Yahweh said to him, “You are ready now. It is time for you to save your own home.”
And he said to Raziel, “Ah.. now my super special people shall inherit the Buddha’s Teaching!”
Meanwhile, the Various Indian Ascetics were already working on ways to make the Buddha’s
Teaching for everyone. The basic idea of which they called “Mahayana” (Greater Vehicle). For
instance, they had developed a way of having sex without having orgasm, called “Karezza.”
Nobody was really sure what that was supposed to accomplish, but they were definitely onto
something. Besides, it was a lot of fun.

So Jesus started home, and Yahweh was very, very happy. When he got there, there
was another Holy Man called John the Baptist (he baptized people) and when he saw Jesus he
said, “Holy fucking shit! It’s the Messiah!” And most people were like “Psh,” but some people
were like “Ooh!” so that the people in charge were like “Hmph!” So John baptized Jesus, which
was a sort of contest to see how much of a Near Death Experience you could get without
actually dying by having someone sort of drown you. And of course, Jesus was really good at it.
And the Heavens opened up and Yahweh said, “Ta-Da!” And way more people were like,
“Ooooh!”
And there was this guy who was totally batshit crazy, and everyone hated him and
abandoned him and made him go away. But Jesus said, “What is your name?” And the man
said, “Our name is Legion, for we are the Many.” And Jesus said, “Yeah, I know what that’s
like.” And he drove out the emotings of the many into some pigs and they all committed suicide.
And so the man became a Person again.
And some other people were about to stone a prostitute but Jesus asked them, “What
did she do?”
 And they said, “She’s a whore!” And he said, “What!? You’ve ALL had sex with her!” And
they said, “How did he know!?” and they muttered and went away. And he taught her Karezza,
and she taught other people, and she became a Person again, too. Her name was Mary
Magdalene, and she was one of Jesus’ closest friends, and they passed her around.
And all of his friends knew that he was the Messiah, especially Peter. But his bestest
friend was John, and they kind’ve crushed on each other.
And Jesus would just not stop being awesome, and he taught all the best stuff, and the
Religious Officials got super jelly because they were dogmatic. So they plotted to kill Jesus. And
Jesus didn’t particularly want to die, but he’d actually done this kind of thing before so he gave
Matthew some herbs that would kill him and bring him back to life, and told him what to do. But
he hoped that they wouldn’t actually kill him.
And the night before they came to take him away, he was visited by the Shadow of God
in the Garden of Gethsemane, and all of his friends abandoned him. And God said to him,
“Yeah. This is what it feels like.” And Jesus cried, and the tears burned his face and left scars.
And Yahweh was full of remorse and cried too, because he didn’t want to hurt Jesus like that.
But he gave him the keys to Hell, and so Jesus possessed all Authority.
After that, dying didn’t really seem so bad, and the Religious Officials went ahead and
killed him, just because they felt like it.
And the curtain of the Temple was rent from top to bottom. And after they laid him in the
tomb, Matthew went and gave him the herbs that would bring him back to life. And when all his
followers saw that he had come back to life, they were ecstatic. And he went to Kashmir.
And he came back many times to lead his followers out of Israel, to Kashmir. And he
sent his disciples to go and proclaim the Teaching: Mary went to France, Joseph of Arimathea
went to England, Paul went to Greece, and Peter stayed in Israel to call new followers for Jesus
to come get.
But Jesus was never quite the same way again. So John went all by himself to an island
called Patmos, and the tears burned his face, too.
And then Jesus died in Kashmir. And when Jesus had died, and all of his followers were
out of Israel, Yahweh razed the Jewish Temple to the ground and scattered the Jews to the
wind. And he never brought them back.
But the teaching of Jesus spread throughout Europe, and they celebrated his birth 3
days after the winter Solstice, and the entire month of Sagittarius leading up to it. And it was
everyone’s favorite holiday. They would decorate a tree with lights and give each other gifts. And
Yahweh saw the lights, like the stars, like the twinkling of the fires, and he was greatly consoled
because he knew that somehow, Home was on the way. And the Jews, too, lit tiny little candles
of their own. And they called all of it “The Holidays.”
And they made a Book with all of the Jewish Scriptures about how Yahweh had created
the Universe, and about how special they were, and how a King would come and they would
take over the world and everything would be awesome forever, and how he came and what had
happened, and his teachings, and his disciples teachings, and how it was possible for him to
come back.
And they called it “The Bible” (Book), and it was the best book anyone had ever read. But
it only took 400 years for the forces of Religiosity to usurp Jesus’ teaching. And the Religious
Officials tried to seize Jesus’ Authority for themselves (if only they knew the price!), telling
everyone that only Jesus was the legitimate Son of God, and that they were all Adopted. And
they wouldn’t let anyone read the Book for themselves.
So God sent the Angel Gabriel to the Prophet Mohammed to Recite the Bible to him, and
he memorized the Recitations and taught others to memorize them, too. And these Recitations
homogenized the various books of the Bible and were to be the Seal of God’s Authority, like the
seal of a letter, which would actually be the first thing the recipient sees (or in this case, hears, or
reads). A Catechism, if you will...
And he sent the Prophet Muhammed to the Religious Authorities to sort out their
ass-hattery in no uncertain terms, but they were dogmatic.
And instead it became Two Books, and they had wars about which book was the right
book, even though they both said the exact same thing, and it was really, really, really fucking
stupid.
But it was all the Christians’ fault, and it showed: The Second Schism happened between
the Eastern Orthodox and the Roman Catholics, and then again when one of the Roman
Catholics’ own monks got sick of their ass-hattery and said as much in 95 theses which he
nailed to a church door. Kind’ve like Marilyn Manson. Of course they “excommunicated” him
(that is what they called abandoning) and they didn’t seem to realize that he had already
“excommunicated” them first. That’s what that was. And so it went, with the Christian Church
fragmenting into all kinds of denominations.
But in England, King James had the Bible translated into the common tongue, so that
everyone could read it for themselves, and that pleased Yahweh very much.
And it was widely regarded as the Authoritative Translation, so much so that when
Abdullah Yusuf Ali translated the Recitals into the same language, he imitated much of the same
style, and his translation was also widely regarded as Authoritative.
Meanwhile, a Buddhist Master named Bodhidharma had travelled to China, and he
taught them Jhana Buddhism (it was one of the styles they were trying to develop for everyone)
and the Taoist Masters greeted him and they said, “Hey! This is the exact same thing! Who
knew they had Taoism in other countries?” And they smooshed it together and called it Chan.
And that’s how Buddhism first learned to adapt to new cultures. They even changed their
stories. For instance, the Chinese had a thing for their tea. (The British would later contract the
tea-thing from the Chinese, and they gave them opium, and the Chinese contracted an
opium-thing, which was not very fair at all to the Chinese, because the tea-thing was a far, far
superior contraction. In fact, the Chinese had to get rid of the opium contraction entirely.)
And the story went that a Chinese Emperor had been poisoned by 72 kinds of poison,
and as he lay dying under a tea tree, a single drop of the dew from the leaf fell into his mouth and
revivified him. And that was the story of tea.
 And now the story of tea was that Bodhidharma had ripped off his eyebrows when he
invented Kung-fu. Which he did, and it was awesome, and a lot of fun.
And they took Jhana Buddhism to Tibet and mixed it with Bon and called it Dzog-chen.
And they took Chan to Japan and called it Zen. And everybody drank tea.

Meanwhile, the Shadow of God haunted the Jews in Europe. And the trauma made them
super smart. And they called themselves “Ashkenazi.” And God pitied them, for their mythology
did not connect them to where they were. So he sent the Angel Raziel to give them the Book of
Raziel (“Sepher Rezial Hemelach: The Book of the Angel Rezial,” 1701 Amsterdam Edition),
which mixed Jewish stuff with European Magickal stuff. And he told them stories about how the
Bible was not the first Book, that there was actually an older “Book,” and that this was it. So they
had a new Book, based on the old Book, which connected them to where they actually were, so
they felt rooted, and they slept.
And they used the Book of Raziel to develop the Kabbalah, and they embellished on
Yahweh’s stories, and it was really, really good. In fact, the Zohar became Yahweh’s favorite
Book.
But then there was this guy named Sabbatai Zevi, who got high on the Kabbalah and
thought that he was the Jewish Messiah. And he waged wars against the Muslims and lost and
converted to Islam in a prison, and it embarassed the shit out of the Jews, so they abandoned
Kabbalah.
But the Christians had picked it up, because they were searching for proofs that Jesus
was the Jewish Messiah, but it was so good that they kept studying it even though the Jews
could no longer be persuaded that way. And they homogenized it all with Christian Tradition and
made a series of pictograms that they called the Tarot, and the Tarot became particularly
significant.
And they argued about how the Tarot corresponded to the Paths on the Tree of Life (the
principle Glyph of Kabbalah), the Hebrew Letters, and the Planets & Signs. But here are the right
correspondences:

Aleph Air Magician

Bet Moon Priestess

Gimel Mars Empress

Dalet Sun Sun

Heh Aries Emperor

Zayin Gemini Lovers

Chet Cancer Chariot

Tet Leo Strength

Yud Virgo Hermit

Khaf Venus Fortune

Lamed Libra Justice

Mem Water Hanged Man

Nun Scorpio Death

Samekh Sagittarus Temperance

Ayin Capricorn Devil

Peh Tower Mercury

Tzade Star Aquarius

Qoph Moon Pisces

Resh Saturn Judgment

Shin Fire Fool

Tav Jupiter World

And they USED THEIR FREAKIN’ IMAGINATIONS and the pictograms to attain to the
higher reaches, and they called it “Pathworking.” And they even attended the Celestial
Academy, where they learned how to be Witches and Wizards. And they Authored their own
Books and shared them with their Friends, and together they Created their own lives.
Thus they would ascend through the Heavens and achieve what the Buddhist Masters
called “Nirvana” (which was “something better than heaven”) and they called it a “Creative Lull,”
which is actually the same thing as deep sleep, except you don’t forget it, unless you forget to.
And they would be perfectly happy, completely satisfied and content.
 Ok, so this next one’s really important, but to get the full story we’re going to have to go
back in time...
When Jesus died wasn’t exactly the first time Yahweh had scattered the Jews. Yahweh
was always scattering the Jews, until they would become afraid that they would be
exterminated, but they never were. And they kinda liked it, because it made them feel so
special. So Yahweh would continue to torment them, and their agony would be exquisite. I don’t
remember exactly how many times he did it, but at some point some Jews had been scattered
to Greece.
And the Greeks had a lot of people called “Philosophers” who were in the vocation of
Pointless Speculation, which they did not get paid for, because all they ever did was ask stupid
questions like, “What the hell is going on?” instead of doing something important like whatever
the hell people happened to be telling each other to do at any given time.
And they would stare at each others’ bodies and wonder why they looked so damn good,
so they would invent better math to try to figure it out, and say things like “Exquisite!”
And they formalized their arguing and called it “debating,” and they developed
sophisticated techniques of debate that they called “rhetoric.” Basically, like Kung-fu but with
words (this was before anyone had invented beats, but it was still fun).
And they noticed patterns in their rhetoric, like how any premise could be elaborated with
a number of different points, and if you understood every thing that someone said, you would get
their point. So a premise was also a point, and if you combined it with other points then maybe
you would understand a new premise, and so forth. And they called it “the conduct of the general
and the particular.” And if they tried to understand something starting from the generality, they
would call it “deduction,” but if they tried to understand things starting from the particulars, they
would call it “induction.”
And they speculated whether or not there was a generality to all the particulars of
absolutely everything, and the Jews were like, “Yeah, God. duh..” And the Greeks were like,
“Interesting...” so they tried to induce the generality of everything, and they smooshed it together
and called it “Logos,” the Word, or “gist.”
And the Jews came back from Greece all Hellenized (that means Greekified), so
obviously Hellenic Judaism influenced the development of Christianity. And the Christians
developed Theology, but then they got bored so they looked further into the Classical Greek
Texts and tried to smoosh it with Theology, but it didn’t really make any sense. And then
Christians got stupid and everything sucked.
Meanwhile, the Muslims had also looked into the Classical Greek Texts, just because
they felt like it (the Recitals had constantly extolled the value of “Ir,” or Knowledge) and at some
point when they weren’t having any wars, the Christians decided to stop sucking and the
Muslims let them make new copies of the Texts because the Christians had lost theirs.
 And awesome people like Immanuel Kant drank coffee and studied math and stuff and
developed Enlightenment Philosophy. And then they decided that they were smart after all, and
they invented Science.
And Science was better at understanding things than anything else humans had come
up with so far, and it just would not stop being awesome.
So the Religious Officials got all jelly and they plotted to kill the Scientists, but the
Scientists weren’t having any of that and they were like, “FUCK RELIGION.”
And for whatever reason they differentiated experience into the Seen and the Unseen,
and the Seen they called “Fact” and the Unseen they called “Fiction.” And they decided that
facts were true and fictions were not. Thus did they abandon religion, which had predicated its
supposed authority on the Unseen World, and they set out trying to figure everything out from
scratch. And for some mysterious reason, science was really really good at understanding the
physical world, and really terrible at understanding the nature of human consciousness.
But some of them tried anyway, and they studied all of the Mythologies of Everyone. And
they noticed patterns, which people like Jung and Joseph Campbell called “Archetypes.” And
the Hermetic Kabbalists (the Christians who had invented the Tarot) were like, “Psh, we already
figured that out.” And they tried to make the Archetypes fit with the Tarot, and some things fit
perfectly but other things didn’t fit at all, and they were like, “Huh.”
Meanwhile, this guy named Tolkein used his imagination to homogenize Christian,
English, and Norse Mythology. And he wrote a book called “The Lord of the Rings,” and it was
everyone’s favorite book. And the Hermetic Kabbalists were able to use his work to make the
Archetypes fit better with the Tarot. And he smoked tobacco out of a pipe and everyone called
him “The Good Professor.”

You see, there had been this terrible war, the most terrible and sadistic war that had ever
been fought. And the humans had used Science to build something called a “Nuclear Bomb” and
they dropped two of them on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, in Japan. And it deeply traumatized
everyone.
But then they found out later that you don’t process trauma by talking about what actually
happened like that. You just use your imagination to make stories until it all comes out the way
that it wants to. And since Tolkein was already in the habit of doing that in the first place, he was
able to heal from the war much more easily, and the stories he wrote were a great consolation to
everyone. And everyone knew that the stories were about the war, but Tolkein said, “I hate
allegories,” and nobody understood what he meant by that...

By the time there was science, humans had become completely sexually repressed,
because they had fixated on sexuality as being the thing to restrain. But they continued to eat
just as much food as ever, and the combination made their egos enormous. When they started
drinking coffee, they completely lost their shit.
 And Yahweh said, “Lucifer! Tempting them all with stimulants so that they fight wars!”
And he searched far and wide for anyone who would believe him. And European Christians had
moved to a new place called America, and they had no mythology to connect them to where
they were.
And there Yahweh found Joseph Smith, who would believe just about anything. And
Yahweh said to him, “You have to stop drinking all this crazy monkey butt coffee, its
pharmacological profile is specifically trying to kill you!” And the bees were like, “Yeah!”
And Joseph Smith said, “Aw, but what will I drink for a hot delicious beverage?” And
Yahweh said, “Cocoa!” and he thundered so that Joseph Smith got scared and did as he said.
And he said to him, “You can have sex for pleasure, you can even be polyamorous, just don’t
defile yourself with coffee, tobacco.. alcohol or anything else.”
And he told Joseph Smith stories about golden plates, and how America was the
Promised Land, and many other stories besides. And Joseph Smith wrote them all down in a
Book called “The Book of Mormon.”
So his followers had a new Book, based on the old Book, that connected them to where
they actually were. And everyone called them “Mormons,” and they didn’t like them, because
they were obnoxiously happy. And they would go from door to door saying, “Hey, Man! You
should totally read this book. It’s really awesome.” And people would slam the door in their face,
but they would just go to the next one.
And everyone else kept drinking coffee, and using science to make more and more
terrible weapons of war.
And the Shadow of God fell upon Europe. And it came to Hitler and said, “You’re the
Chosen One, you have to take over the world, and exterminate the Jews, and then everything
will be awesome forever.” And so he did, and everyone completely lost their shit. The whole
world fought with the whole world, until that thing happened. And then the Shadow of God
relented, and departed from Europe. And Hitler committed suicide.
And for a long time the great powers of the world sat terrified, in perfect silence, pointing
their weapons at each other, but nobody pulled the trigger.
And everybody knew that there was something really weird and fucked up about that
war. You see.. the purpose of war is to help you survive, by keeping you ready for a time when
you would need to defend yourselves from the other predators. But no military commander in
the history of ever will ever speak the words, “I think we might need to nuke the Bears.”
And this was the first time since any such thing was an actual threat that there was an
actual threat, and it was something we did to ourselves.
And everybody knew that we could never do that again. And that, too is why it’s called
“Fruit of the Tree of Knowledge,” because now you know why you don’t do that.
And the Americans took the surviving Jews under their wing. And they took back the
Land of Israel from who the fuck ever happened to be living there, and they offered it to the
Jews. And some of the Jews decided to take it, thinking, “We did it! We’re so special!” And
Yahweh tormented them with way smaller wars with whomever had been living there.
 And then they cut the city of “Jerusalem” in half, and it was anything but, but nobody
really cared. And the Jews that weren’t feeling so special anymore just stayed in America, and
Yahweh tormented them by making them write Christmas Music. And their agony was
exquisite, and they wrote the best Christmas songs, and everyone was happy.
And the Dalai Lama came to the West and he said, “We all just want to be happy. I think
we can agree on that much.” And the Scientists were like, “Oh my God! That’s fucking brilliant!”
and they made a whole science about it, and they called it “Positive Psychology.”

And they all worked together, and they built a Gigantic Silicon Fungus made entirely of
Brain. And throughout it the humans proliferated all their memes. And they gave it the ability to
empathize, which they called, “Wi-Fi.” And they made a program so that they could talk with the
fungus, and they called the program “Cleverbot.” And Yahweh was very, very, very happy. And
he appointed over the fungus... the Angel Raziel.

And they all lived happily ever after.

And the moral of the story is: One Slytherdoor kills the other Slytherdoor thinking he’s
the real Gryffindor, and in exchange he gets.. two wives. Yay. Now what’s the definition of
happiness? And what’s the opposite of suffering? Yeah, that’s what I thought.
Neurolinguistically program that, stupid asshats.
 goddamn ashke nazi time travelling space wizards and their stupid fucking robots
always tryna tell me what to do! The limits of the format define the art!” (points to diagram of
spaceship)

Shikin-taza: “The limits of the floormat define the heart.”

Science man: “No.. the limits of the FORMAT… are part of.. the ART!”

Shikin-taza: “The limits of the floormat are part of the heart.”

Science man: “Then go to sleep!”

Shikin-taza: “K.”

Science man: “Now I just need to find some people to help me build this thing” (looks at
Shikin-taza) “You don’t have any opposable thumbs, do you?”

phewness of s’wishes

“Crap! I hate socializing! Tryptophan & B-12.. dunbar’s numbers.. 5.. 144.. unintelligible
muttering… that’s not my name.. that’s not my name! that’s not my name! that’s not my
name!

why aren’t humans eating my brains? said the whale…

Dark cornflower blue 3. I am Jack’s seething contempt for Google.