Mother’s Story: Family Court Destroyed My Family & Legally Kidnapped my Children

When we hear horrific stories of children being separated from their parents at the border,

my heart bleeds. We commend people for trying to feed and find relatives and family members

for the children in distress at our borders. We hear these stories every day. There is a lot of

attention given to the social injustice surrounding the children separated from their parents.

These heart-breaking stories immediately take me to my personal story. My children

were not taken away from me at the border. My children were taken away from me by the Saint

Louis Family Court and with absolutely no factual basis. I do not drink and am not an alcoholic.

I do not do drugs and am not a drug addict. I do not have a criminal record. I work seven days a

week. I pay my taxes. I volunteer at church. I donate to the food pantry. I help elderly who are

frail or who have no family members around to help them with daily necessities like translating

their letters from Russian to English, writing letters for them in English, taking them to a doctor,

calling a nurse for them, taking them to a grocery store, running to a pharmacy, or helping to fix

their internet or telephone issues. I volunteer for two nonprofits.

Up until my child custody proceedings, which I started in August 2017, I was fully

involved in the lives of my two children. My love for my children kept me going. It was a

motivator for me to work hard, to save for their college and extracurricular activities. I worked

hard to be a loving parent motivated by one goal which was for my children to be safe and to

have a better life than I had growing up in the former Soviet Union. All I ever wanted was to

protect them, to love them and to give them everything I could so that they could have a chance

at a safe and successful future.

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 I was not perfect, but I tried the best I could under my circumstances. I participated in

their school activities and parent associations. I organized their school events, attended their

concerts and sporting events. I cheered for them from the bleachers and at their music

competitions. I encouraged them to work and study and appreciate people in their lives. I

encouraged them to safeguard their boundaries because my boundaries were destroyed and

violated during the fourteen-year marriage to their father.

One day, when my life was in imminent danger thirteen years into my marriage, I fled

home and found help and support at Safe Connections, the Saint Louis nonprofit organization

which helps victims of domestic violence to survive and reclaim their lives. I was in

unimaginable pain. I was lost. At times I felt helpless and hopeless. I did not view myself as a

victim. I considered myself to be a survivor. When a Safe Connections therapist told me that I

was a victim of domestic violence, I did not believe her. I rejected her words. It took my

therapist, at Safe Connections, at least a year working with me before I accepted the fact that my

children and I were victims of domestic violence perpetrated by the children’s father and my

then husband. The realization came with pain, suffering and despair.

It was hard for me to admit that my children and I were abused. It was even harder for

me to fathom that I did not protect my children and instead of making a change in our lives, I

was clinging to the hope that things would get better. They never did. In fact, the abuse at home

kept getting worse. Both of my children suffered from physical and psychological abuse. Both

exhibited stressful behaviors. To make things even worse, my youngest child told me that his

father touched him. I refused to believe my son. I still loved the perpetrator. I did not protect

my son, and this is the pain and guilt I will carry with me for the rest of my life. Naively and

absurdly, I still loved and believed my ex over my children.

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 One day, the realization came that things would never get better. I became aware that as

long as I stay married, I would be discussing safety plans with my counselor, talk about my

suitcase and necessities that I would need to run to a shelter on a moment’s notice. Every

counseling session we started with the safety plan and where I would run when violence erupts.

Once I accepted the fact that things would never get better, I realized that I could no longer cling

to any hope for my marriage. Realizing it was excruciatingly painful, I also felt tremendous

relief. This excruciating pain became part of my life and I have a long way to let it go.

I knew that I needed to divorce the abuser so that my children could at least have peace

and be safe with me during my custody time. I was told that I could not seek full custody and

that the Saint Louis County Family Court would never agree to that. We got divorced in October

2016. My divorce was non contested and I agreed to fifty-fifty custody with my ex after he

promised me that he would never lay a finger on our sons again, he would not call them names

and he would share custody time with me fairly and with the best interests of our children in

mind. I did not fight for any assets. My ex took everything he wanted, and significantly more

than the law allowed. I did not care. I just wanted desperately out of the abusive marriage. I

wanted time with my children so that they could see that there is a different way of life, with no

gaslighting, blows, throws against the wall, intimidation, threats, insults, and daily shame and

humiliation.

Our fifty-fifty custody arrangement did not last long. In March 2017, four months after

the divorce, my ex-husband moved my older son to another county, one hour away, without

giving me or the court the notice of his relocation. My ex threw my other child outside of his

house during his custody time in February 2017. My ex told our youngest that he was no longer

welcomed in his home because he was his mother’s pawn. He threw my son’s clothes on the

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snow and shut the door. On the way from work I saw my younger son moving his belongings

and his little orange suitcase he got as a gift when he was a toddler. Tears were running on his

face. I was in pain seeing him like this. Every night when I close my eyes, I see his face covered

with tears and the little orange suitcase. I feel pain. I feel desperation. I feel hopeless.

I have not seen my older son since March 2017 because my ex would not allow me to see

him. In August 2017, I filed for custody modification. Elaine Pudlowski was appointed as the

Guardian ad Litem (GAL) in our case. She was supposed to act in the best interest of my sons;

to protect them. She never did. She was brought in the case by my ex. Unfortunately, I did not

object to her being my sons’ guardian because I naively believed that she would act in the best

interests of my children. I was so wrong.

My first meeting with Pudlowski was very strange. We spent five minutes talking about

my children and 55 minutes talking about my income, my pension plans, my 401Ks, and my

assets. I remember telling her that I am not seeking any money from the court and that I will be

able to support my children who desperately needed healthcare and counseling. Red flags were

popping in my head, but I kept telling myself that Pudlowski is probably concerned about my

children’s financial future.

She came to our home the next week and spent 5 minutes talking to my son and 55

minutes examining every room in my house. I thought it was strange that she cared so much

what was in my personal closet where she spent at least 10 minutes. Again, I was so naïve and

unwary. In hind sight, she was sizing my net worth for the future three-year litigation that she

would embroil me in with my ex which would put tens of thousands of dollars in her pocket as

well as tens of thousands of dollars in each of her team members pockets, not to mention

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hundreds of thousands in the attorneys’ pockets. I did not know that then, but now having been

in touch with dozens of Pudlowski’s victims it all makes perfect sense.

Pudlowski brought Dr. Reid into the case to evaluate mine, my ex’s, and our children’s

mental health. Allowing Reid into our case was another trap for the unwary. I remember my ex

coming up to me in court and whispering into my ear that I do not have a chance and it is all

taken care of as long as Pudlowski is our GAL. I thought he was bluffing. I thought it was

another attempt to intimidate me.

When I met with Reid for the first time, he placed me next to my abusive ex, to see if we

could stay in the room together, as he jokingly explained to us. It was not a joke to me. Sweat

was dripping on my back and during the entire meeting with Reid and my ex, I felt like I was

going to vomit. The four other meetings with Reid were even more disturbing. Reid called me a

drunk, an alcoholic, a drug addict, a liar, stupid, crazy and a manipulator. After one of those

meetings, I threw up in Reid’s bathroom. He mocked me when I answered his questions and he

laughed in my face calling me crazy, deceitful, and manipulative. I have never had such a

horrific experience with any professional, much less a mental health professional. He told me

that he was video and audio taping me and everyone else in my case. Each session he attacked

me verbally. My sons reported to Pudlowski and Reid that their father was physically, sexually,

and emotionally abusive. Neither Reid nor Pudlowski ever reported the abuse to Department of

Family Services, police, or the court.

At one meeting with Reid, he said that I deserted to the United States from a labor project

in Siberia. When I tried to tell him that I never had any labor assignments in Siberia, he called

me a liar. He never asked me or my sons about domestic abuse, although both of my sons

reported to Reid that their father was physically and verbally abusive. Reid issued his report in

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which he diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder, he said I was a narcissist and a

sociopath, and I was a danger to my children. None of these labels were true. When asked by the

court, Reid refused to provide his file and testing data “allegedly showing that I am narcissist and

sociopath.” Reid never produced his video files. The audio files he eventually produced were

altered. The court ordered Reid to produce the original video and audio recordings, but Reid

violated and never did comply with the court order.

Reid never properly administered the psychological tests which he gave me, my ex and

our children. Reid did not account for my having been born and raised in the former Soviet

Union. He did not account for the fact that I was going through the child custody proceedings.

Even then, the test results showed the exact opposition of what Reid reported to the court about

me.

The court entered an order to release Reid’s report to Pudlowski and the parties’ attorneys

only. After Pudlowski received the Reid’s report, she distributed it to two therapists, Erica

Ottolini LPC and Jennifer Webbe Van Luven, LCSW who she brought into the case to conduct

family “reunification therapy.” The court order appointing the therapists stated that they were to

reunite our sons who were separated by their father and to reunify the children with their

mother. Pudlowski’s release of the Reid report to these therapists was in violation of the court

order. Armed with the Reid report, and without their own independent investigation, both

therapists engaged in “child alienation therapy” and they did everything they could to alienate

my children from me. There was no reunification but pure and systemic alienation of my sons

from me. Every time we went to court, Pudlowski told the court that our family needed more

therapy. Several times Pudlowski asked the court to order me and my younger son to stop our

counseling at Safe Connections. The court denied Pudlowski’s requests. Because of Pudlowski’s

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continuous requests for more therapy with Van Luven and Ottolini, the court never heard my

case and instead continued it for three long and painful years.

Therapist Van Luven, during her court ordered family “reunification therapy,” called my

oldest son “an asshole,” “a jerk,” and “a dick.” She told my youngest son that he was “not

normal” and “fricken difficult.” She kept yelling at him to start acting “normal.” She said it was

not a big deal to call a sibling “a bitch” or “an asshole.” Van Luven talked to my sons about the

Reid report and my diagnoses. Each session, Van Luven told my sons that I am not normal and

that I would never know how to act as a normal person. Van Luven told my sons that I abused

them and violated their boundaries. None of this was true. Ottolini did not mind when my ex

suggested to read the Reid report to my youngest son during the “reunification therapy.” My son

and not Ottolini refused to participate in the reading of the Reid report. During the reunification

therapy my sons reported physical, sexual, and emotional abuse by their father. Neither Van

Luven nor Ottolini ever reported child abuse to the Department of Family Services, police, or the

court. Instead they invalidated and discarded my sons’ feelings and pain.

After the “alienation therapy,” my younger son moved out of my home to live with his

father. I spent three years in court, and almost one year in court ordered therapy during which

my sons and I were abused. I tried to talk to Pudlowski, but she never had time for me or my

children. Every attempt I made to talk to her or any time I tried to ask her a question, she told

me that I am a noncooperating parent and that if I continue bothering her, I would lose custody

of my children. My children did not get any help and, instead, they were permanently damaged

by this horrific process. While my custody proceedings were pending, Pudlowski told me to

engage in lifetime therapy recommended by Reid and threatened that if I do not follow her

advice, I would lose custody of my children. Pudlowski petitioned the court to order me to stop

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my therapy at Safe Connections and instead start therapy with the therapist of Pudlowski’s

choosing. Pudlowski’s recommendations were contrary to my treatment plan at Safe

Connections. Because of Pudlowski’s actions, our family never got to the court. We never got a

hearing. Pudlowski made sure of that by continuously moving our court hearing until my older

son became 18. My younger son is almost 17 now.

While I was in court fighting to get help for my children, Pudlowski told me that I cannot

go to school and see my children’s games and concerts. I was not allowed to go to parent-teacher

conferences. I was not allowed to attend my son’s sporting events. I was told that if I do attend

school, concerts, or sporting events, I will lose custody of my children. I was forced to settle my

case in December 2019. Two months later my youngest son moved out and informed me of his

decision to live with his father by text.

I now have no contact with my children. Pudlowski, Van Luven, Reid and Ottolini made

lots of money at my expense. They damaged my children and destroyed my relationship with

them. My whole life has been about my children. Pudlowski, Van Luven, Reid and Ottolini took

my life away from me. The only thing I have left are pictures of my children and my memories

of being with them. The court system turned to be a minefield for me. It perpetrated and enabled

domestic violence to continue. My children were commodities and a source of income for the

unethical, greedy, and callous GAL, psychological evaluator and two therapists. These people

betrayed my children.

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