King.

  Look at it from the suitor’s point of view. If a

Guided Reading
girl is beautiful, it is easy to assume that she has,
Question 3 
tucked away inside her, an equally beautiful character.
Why is the
But it is impossible to assume that an unattractive girl,
chancellor worried?
however elevated in character, has, tucked away inside
Click to answer
her, an equally beautiful face. That is, so to speak, not
where you want it—tucked away.

Chancellor.  Quite so, Your Majesty.

King.  This doesn’t, of course, alter the fact that the

Princess Camilla is quite the nicest person in the
Kingdom.

Chancellor.  (Enthusiastically) She is indeed, Your

Majesty. (Hurriedly) With the exception, I need hardly
say, of Your Majesty—and Her Majesty.

King.  Your exceptions are tolerated for their loyalty

and condemned for their extreme fatuity.7 

Chancellor.  Thank you, Your Majesty.

King.  As an adjective for your King, the word “nice” is

ill-chosen. As an adjective for Her Majesty, it is—ill-
chosen. (At which moment HER MAJESTY comes in.
The KING rises. The CHANCELLOR puts himself at right
angles.)

Queen.  (Briskly) Ah. Talking about Camilla? (She sits

down.)

King.  (Returning to his throne) As always, my dear,

you are right.

Queen.  (To CHANCELLOR ) This fellow, Simon—What’s

he like?

Chancellor.  Nobody has seen him, Your Majesty.

Queen.  How old is he?

Chancellor.  Five-and-twenty, I understand.
Queen.  In twenty-five years he must have been seen
by somebody.

King.  (To the CHANCELLOR ) Just a fleeting glimpse.

Chancellor.  I meant, Your Majesty, that no detailed
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report of him has reached this country, save that he has
Question 4 
the usual personal advantages and qualities expected of
What do people
a Prince, and has been traveling in distant and
know about the
dangerous lands.
prince?
Click to answer
Queen.  Ah! Nothing gone wrong with his eyes?
Sunstroke or anything?

Chancellor.  Not that I am aware of, Your Majesty. At

the same time, as I was venturing to say to His
Majesty, Her Royal Highness’s character and disposition
are so outstandingly—

Queen.  Stuff and nonsense. You remember what

happened when we had the Tournament of Love last
year.

Chancellor.  I was not myself present, Your Majesty. I

had not then the honor of—I was abroad, and never
heard the full story.

Queen.  No; it was the other fool. They all rode up to

Camilla to pay their homage—it was the first time they
had seen her. The heralds blew their trumpets, and
announced that she would marry whichever Prince was
left master of the field when all but one had
been unhorsed.8 The trumpets were blown again, they
charged enthusiastically into the fight, and—
(The KING looks nonchalantly at the ceiling and
whistles a few bars.)—don’t do that.
King.  I’m sorry, my dear.
Guided Reading
Question 5 
Queen.  (To CHANCELLOR ) And what happened? They
What was the
all simultaneously fell off their horses and assumed a
purpose of the
posture of defeat.
Tournament of
Love? What
King.  One of them was not quite so quick as the
happened at the
others. I was very quick. I proclaimed him the victor.
Tournament of
Queen.  At the Feast of Betrothal9 held that night—
Love?
Click to answer
King.  We were all very quick.

Queen.  The Chancellor announced that by the laws of

the country the successful suitor had to pass a further
test. He had to give the correct answer to a riddle.

Chancellor.  Such undoubtedly is the fact, Your

Majesty.

King.  There are times for announcing facts, and times

for looking at things in a broad-minded way. Please
remember that, Chancellor.

Chancellor.  Yes, Your Majesty.

Queen.  I invented the riddle myself. Quite an easy

one. What is it which has four legs and barks like a dog?
The answer is, “A dog.”

King.  (To CHANCELLOR) You see that?

Chancellor.  Yes, Your Majesty.

King.  It isn’t difficult.

Queen.  He, however, seemed to find it so. He said an

eagle. Then he said a serpent; a very high mountain
with slippery sides; two peacocks; a moonlight night;
the day after tomorrow—

King.  Nobody could accuse him of not trying.

Queen.  I did. 

King.  I should have said that nobody could fail to

recognize in his attitude an appearance
of doggedness.

Queen.  Finally he said “Death.” I nudged the King—

King.  Accepting the word “nudge” for the moment, I

rubbed my ankle with one hand, clapped him on the
shoulder with the other, and congratulated him on the
correct answer. He disappeared under the table, and,
personally, I never saw him again.

Queen.  His body was found in the moat10 next morning.

Chancellor.  But what was he doing in the moat, Your

Majesty?

King.  Bobbing about. Try not to ask needless

questions.

Chancellor.  It all seems so strange. 

Queen.  What does?

Chancellor.  That Her Royal Highness, alone of all the

Princesses one has ever heard of, should lack
that invariable attribute of Royalty, supreme beauty.

Queen.  (To the KING) That was your Great-Aunt

Malkin. She came to the christening. You know what
she said.

King.  It was cryptic. Great-Aunt Malkin’s besetting

weakness. She came to my christening—she was one
hundred and one then, and that was fifty-one years
ago. (To CHANCELLOR) How old would that make her?

Chancellor.  One hundred and fifty-two, Your Majesty.

King.  (After thought) About that, yes. She promised

me that when I grew up I should have all the happiness
which my wife deserved. It struck me at the time—well,
when I say “at the time,” I was only a week old—but it
did strike me as soon as anything could strike me—I
mean of that nature—well, work it out for yourself,
Chancellor. It opens up a most interesting field of
speculation. Though naturally I have not liked to go into
it at all deeply with Her Majesty.

Queen.  I never heard anything less cryptic. She was

wishing you extreme happiness.
King.  I don’t think she was wishing me anything.
However.

Chancellor.  (To the QUEEN) But what, Your Majesty,

did she wish Her Royal Highness?

Queen.  Her other godmother—on my side—had

promised her the dazzling beauty for which all the
women in my family are famous—(She pauses, and
the KING snaps his fingers surreptitiously in the
direction of the chancellor.)

Chancellor.  (Hurriedly) Indeed, yes, Your Majesty.

(The KING relaxes.)

Queen.  And Great-Aunt Malkin said—(To the KING)—

what were the words?

King.  I give you with this kiss 

A wedding-day surprise. 
Where ignorance is bliss 
’Tis folly to be wise.
I thought the last two lines rather neat. But what
it meant—
Queen.  We can all see what it meant. She was given beauty
Guided Reading
—and where is it? Great-Aunt Malkin took it away from her.
Question 6 
The wedding-day surprise is that there will never be a
What does the
wedding day.
queen believe is
Camilla’s “wedding-
King.  Young men being what they are, my dear, it would be
much more surprising if there were a wedding day. So how—
day surprise”?
(The PRINCESS  comes in. She is young, happy, healthy, but
Click to answer
not beautiful. Or let us say that by some trick of make-up or
arrangement of hair she seems plain to us: unlike
the  PRINCESS of the storybooks.)

Princess.  (To the KING) Hallo, darling! (Seeing the others)

Oh, I say! Affairs of state? Sorry.

King.  (Holding out his hand) Don’t go, Camilla. (She takes

his hand.)

Chancellor.  Shall I withdraw, Your Majesty?

Queen.  You are aware, Camilla, that Prince Simon arrives
today?
Princess.  He has arrived. They’re just letting down the
Guided Reading
drawbridge.
Question 7 
Who has arrived?
King.  (Jumping up) Arrived! I must—
How does the king
react to this news?
Princess.  Darling, you know what the drawbridge is like. It
takes at least half an hour to let it down.
Click to answer

King.  (Sitting down) It wants oil. (To the CHANCELLOR)

Have you been grudging it oil?

Princess.  It wants a new drawbridge, darling.

Chancellor.  Have I Your Majesty’s permission—

King.  Yes, yes. (The CHANCELLOR bows and goes out.)

Queen.  You’ve told him, of course? It’s the only chance.

King.  Er—no. I was just going to, when—

Queen.  Then I’d better. (She goes to the door.) You can

explain to the girl; I’ll have her sent to you. You’ve told
Camilla?

King.  Er—no. I was just going to, when—

Queen.  Then you’d better tell her now.

King.  My dear, are you sure—

Queen.  It’s the only chance left. (Dramatically to heaven)

My daughter! (She goes out. There is a little silence when
she is gone.)

King.  Camilla, I want to talk seriously to you about

Guided Reading
marriage.
Question 8 
About what does
Princess.  Yes, father.
the king want to
have a serious talk?
King.  It is time that you learnt some of the facts of
Click to answer
life.

Princess.  Yes, father.

King.  Now the great fact about marriage is that once

you’re married you live happy ever after. All our history
books affirm this.

Princess.  And your own experience too, darling.

King.  (With dignity) Let us confine ourselves to history

for the moment.

Princess.  Yes, father.

King.  Of course, there may be an exception here and

there, which, as it were, proves the rule; just as—oh,
well, never mind.

Princess.  (Smiling) Go on, darling. You were going to

say that an exception here and there proves the rule
that all princesses are beautiful.

King.  Well—leave that for the moment. The point is

that it doesn’t matter how you marry, or who you
marry, as long as you get married. Because you’ll be
happy ever after in any case. Do you follow me so far?

Princess.  Yes, father.

King.  Well, your mother and I have a little plan— 

Princess.  Was that it, going out of the door just now?

King.  Er—yes. It concerns your waitingmaid.11

Princess.  Darling, I have several.

King.  Only one that leaps to the eye, so to speak. The

one with the—well, with everything.

Princess.  Dulcibella?
King.  That’s the one. It is our little plan that at the first
Guided Reading
meeting she should pass herself off as the Princess—a
harmless ruse, of which you will find frequent record in the
Question 9 
history books—and allure Prince Simon to his—that is to say,
Who is Dulcibella?
bring him up to the—in other words, the wedding will take
Click to answer
place immediately afterwards, and as quietly as possible—
well, naturally in view of the fact that your Aunt Malkin is one
Guided Reading
hundred and fifty-two; and since you will be wearing the
Question 10 
family bridal veil—which is no doubt how the custom arose—
What is the plan of
the surprise after the ceremony will be his. Are you following
the king and
me at all? Your attention seems to be wandering.
queen? 
Princess.  I was wondering why you needed to tell me.
Click to answer

King.  Just a precautionary measure, in case you happened

to meet the Prince or his attendant before the ceremony; in
which case, of course, you would pass yourself off as the
maid— 

Princess.  A harmless ruse, of which, also, you will find

frequent record in the history books.

King.  Exactly. But the occasion need not arise.

A Voice.  (Announcing) The woman Dulcibella!

King.  Ah! (To the PRINCESS) Now, Camilla, if you will

just retire to your own apartments, I will come to you there
when we are ready for the actual ceremony. (He leads her
out as he is talking; and as he returns calls out.) Come in,
my dear! (DULCIBELLA comes in. She is beautiful, but
dumb.) Now don’t be frightened, there is nothing to be
frightened about. Has Her Majesty told you what you have to
do?

Dulcibella.  Y-yes, Your Majesty.

King.  Well now, let’s see how well you can do it. You
Guided Reading
are sitting here, we will say. (He leads her to a seat.)
Question 11 
Now imagine that I am Prince Simon. (He curls his
What does the king
moustache and puts his stomach in. She giggles.) You
ask Dulcibella to
are the beautiful Princess Camilla whom he has never
pretend?
seen. (She giggles again.) This is a serious moment in
Click to answer
your life, and you will find that a giggle will not be
helpful. (He goes to the door.) I am announced: “His
Royal Highness Prince Simon!” That’s me being
announced. Remember what I said about giggling. You
should have a far-away look upon the face.

King:(She does her best.) Farther away than that. (She

tries again.) No, that’s too far. You are sitting there,
thinking beautiful thoughts—in maiden meditation,
fancy-free, as I remember saying to Her Majesty
once . . . speaking of somebody else . . . fancy-free, but
with the mouth definitely shut—that’s better.

King:I advance and fall upon one knee. (He does so.)
You extend your hand graciously—graciously; you’re not
trying to push him in the face—that’s better, and I raise
it to my lips—so—and I kiss it—(He kisses it warmly.)—
no, perhaps not so ardently as that, more like this (He
kisses it again.), and I say, “Your Royal Highness, this is
the most—er—Your Royal Highness, I shall ever be—no
—Your Royal Highness, it is the proudest—” Well, the
point is that he will say it, and it will be something
complimentary, and then he will take your hand in both
of his, and press it to his heart. (He does so.) And then
—what do you say?

Dulcibella.  Coo! 

King.  No, not Coo.

Dulcibella.  Never had anyone do that to me before. 

King.  That also strikes the wrong note. What you want

to say is, “Oh, Prince Simon!” . . . Say it.

Dulcibella.  (Loudly) Oh, Prince Simon!

King.  No, no. You don’t need to shout until he has said

“What?” two or three times. Always consider the
possibility that he isn’t deaf. Softly, and giving the
words a dying fall, letting them play around his head
like a flight of doves.
Dulcibella.  (Still a little overloud) O-o-o-o-h,
Prinsimon!

King.  Keep the idea in your mind of a flight

of doves rather than a flight of panic-stricken elephants,
and you will be all right. Now I’m going to get up and
you must, as it were, waft me into a seat by your side.
(She starts wafting.) Not rescuing a drowning man,
that’s another idea altogether, useful at times, but at
the moment inappropriate. Wafting. Prince Simon will
put the necessary muscles into play—all you require to
do is to indicate by a gracious movement of the hand
the seat you require him to take. Now! (He gets up, a
little stiffly, and sits next to her.) That was better. Well,
here we are. Now, I think you give me a look:
something, let us say, half-way between a worshipful
attitude and wild abandonment, with an undertone of
regal dignity, touched, as it were, with good
comradeship. Now try that. (She gives him a vacant
look of bewilderment.) Frankly, that didn’t quite get it.
There was just a little something missing. An absence,
as it were, of all the qualities I asked for, and in their
place an odd resemblance to an unsatisfied fish. Let us
try to get at it another way. Dulcibella, have you a
young man of your own?
Dulcibella.  (Eagerly, seizing his hand) Oo, yes, he’s
ever so smart, he’s an archer, well not as you might say
a real archer, he works in the armory, but old
Bottlenose, you know who I mean, the Captain of the
Guard, says the very next man they ever has to shoot,
my Eg shall take his place, knowing Father and how it is
with Eg and me, and me being maid to Her Royal
Highness and can’t marry me till he’s a real soldier, but
ever so loving, and funny like, the things he says, I said
to him once, “Eg,” I said—

King.  (Getting up) I rather fancy, Dulcibella, that if you

think of Eg all the time, say as little as possible, and,
when thinking of Eg, see that the mouth is not more
than partially open, you will do very well. I will show
you where you are to sit and wait for His Royal
Highness. (He leads her out. On the way he is saying)
Now remember—waft—waft—not hoick.12