How Do I Get My Dog To Love Me?: by Jake Buvala

Download as pdf or txt
Download as pdf or txt
You are on page 1of 10

By Jake Buvala

3LostDogs.com

H O W D O I G E T M Y D O G T O

L O V E M E ?

More tips for bonding with a dog


The following tale is adapted from a
3 Lost Dogs newsletter I sent out in
June 2019. It’s about what happened
when I met my wife’s dog, Bear, for
the first time. How did this dog and I
go from being total strangers to best
friends in the space of about a
month? Read on to find out.

Jake

3LOSTDOGS.COM
MEET BEAR

I recently returned to the US after


spending some time in Australia. I’ve
been readjusting to things like driving on
the right side of the road and tipping at
restaurants.

Why was I in Australia? I was visiting my


other dog, Bear, who lives in Melbourne.

Okay - it wasn’t JUST for Bear. I was also


there to marry his human! But mostly for
Bear. I mean, LOOK at that dog.

43 kilos (that’s 95 lbs) of cuddly muscle.

A former pig dog who was abandoned


because he preferred playing with
people over hunting pigs, he ended up in
a shelter, where my wife, Erin, found him.

And then he ate an entire couch. But


that’s a story for another day. Suffice it
to say, Erin and Bear had a rough
adjustment period.

3LOSTDOGS.COM
I’ve known Bear from a distance for a long time, but this trip was the
first time I got to meet him in person. I loved him already, but to him,
I was a stranger suddenly living in his house and stealing a lot of his
mom’s attention.

Bear’s feelings about strangers are… nuanced. He’s friendly, but


careful. Erin describes him best:

"Bear is superficially very happy to see new people and accept love.
But looking at him a little longer, you can tell that it’s a sort of
desperate, fear-infused happiness. He wants people to love him
because if they love him, they probably wont hurt him."

"How do I get my new dog to love me?"

I have this article that you may have seen:

14 Ways to Get Your New Dog to Trust, Love, and Respect You

It does well in the Google rankings, so one of the top searches


people use to find 3 Lost Dogs is “how to get your dog to love you.”

Ah yes, that is the question.

Many a dog expert has waxed poetic on the great Dog-Human


Relationship question. It can indeed be an intangible and
philosophical subject, and if you want to go in that direction, a good
book is Suzanne Clothier’s classic Bones Would Rain From the Sky:
Deepening Our Relationships with Dogs. Damn it, SUCH pretty words
that make me cry every time.

3LOSTDOGS.COM
But, I mean, there are also practical things you can do.

Basically:

Be patient and respectful, and do lots of fun


things together.
I get this a lot: “Animals love you, you must have a natural gift!” Aw
shucks, but I don’t have a natural gift, I’ve just learned a few key
ingredients. One of which is: ask before you touch, and listen if they
say no.

“Hi Mr. Cat/Dog, can I pet you? No? Cool. I’ll be over here, you can
come to me when you’re ready.”

3LOSTDOGS.COM
Does your dog want to be petted?

Sometimes, even a dog who loves you very much won’t want to be petted. Like
humans, some dogs enjoy their personal space from time to time. And -also
like humans- many dogs don’t really enjoy being touched by people they’re not
familiar with. My dog Merlin is kind of like that; he’ll tolerate strangers petting
him, but it’s not his most favoritest thing in the world.

Listening when a dog says “no, don’t touch me please” will go a long way
toward building their trust in you. It'll probably help you bond faster.

How do you know if a dog is uncomfortable with petting? Watch for these
signs:

Subtly stiffening up or freezing in place when you go to touch them


Leaning away from you
Turning their head away
Looking at you with their face turned slightly away, enough that you can see
the whites of their eyes
Yawning (yawning is a stress signal in dogs)

Try this simple test:

Pet the dog for a few seconds, and then stop petting. What does the dog do?
Does she walk away, lean away, or seem to ignore you? She’s saying “thanks
but no thanks.” But if she leans toward you, nudges your hand, gets up in your
face or tries to climb on you? She’s saying “more petting!”

3LOSTDOGS.COM
While getting acquainted with Bear in person, I didn’t fawn over him
nearly as much as I felt like. He probably would’ve let me; he was
excited to meet me, too.

But beneath the surface of his bubbly enthusiasm, I could see him
asking the question. It was in the look in his eyes as he studied me,
and in the way he flinched whenever I moved too quickly:

“You’re not going to hurt me, are you?”

I wasn’t entitled to Bear’s trust and affection. I had


to earn it.

For the first few days, I made it as low-pressure for him as possible.

I kept my body language polite according to dog standards


(approach from the side, no leaning over him, no doing that well-
intentioned but vaguely menacing thing where people reach toward a
dog while insisting “it’s okay, I’m nice, see?!”), and let him initiate all
petting sessions.

As the weeks went by, we did all his favorite things. Frisbee and tug
of war, tricks for treats, and long walks, just the two of us while Erin
was at work. I gradually assumed an authority role, doing things like
reminding him to be nice to the cat when he got too rough.

3LOSTDOGS.COM
How to walk your dog to build your bond

Don’t worry about hurrying from point A to point


B. Travel in a relaxed manner, letting the dog stop
and sniff all the fascinating smells on your path.
This is fun and fulfilling for a dog, and they’ll learn
to associate you with fun and fulfilling things. It’s
also a great way for a stressed-out newly-adopted
dog to de-stress.

Bring a container of delicious soft treats (crunchy


biscuits usually aren’t exciting enough to keep a
dog’s attention on a walk). Notice any time the
dog chooses to check in with you, and reward
with praise and a treat.

A simple way to make walks more enriching and


tiring-in-a-good-way for dogs:

Go to an area where it's safe to do so, like a park,


field, or forest, and put 'em on a long-line (a
training leash at least 6m/20ft long). The long-
line gives them more freedom to run back and
forth and sniff to their heart's content. It's a much
more natural and relaxing way of moving for a
dog, as opposed to being stuck on a short lead.

It also creates opportunities for connection. You


might notice that your dog begins to choose to
keep an eye on you, or check in with you on their
own. My Belgian malinois, River, and I have a
game: I stop moving. She looks up at me. I turn
and run in the opposite direction. Chase me!

3LOSTDOGS.COM
Bear learned that I was safe, fun,
and the source of good things. He
also learned to understand my
heavy American accent. We were
best buddies by the time I went
home.

Erin reports that he only recently


stopped searching the house for
me.

(Pffft it’s fine. I’m FINE. I’m not


broken-hearted AT ALL)

My relationship with Bear remains a


long-distance one - for now. Don’t
worry, Bear, I’ll be back soon.

If you’d like more dog tips, advice,


and stories, you can follow the
adventures of my dogs (both the
ones who live with me and the long-
distance ones) on Instagram:

@ThreeLostDogs

3LOSTDOGS.COM
ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Hi! I’m Jake Buvala, a dog trainer and writer. I created 3LostDogs.com in 2009.

I got started in dog training as a teenager, competing in agility with my dogs. I


have a total of eleven years experience volunteering in animal shelters: over the
years, I held the titles of litter box scrubber, dog walker, dog trainer, people
trainer, and adoption counselor. (I'm taking a break from shelter work. The
burnout is real)

To continue my professional education, I attend seminars and conferences like


Clicker Expo, and keep up with the current scientifical understanding of dog
behavior. Sifting through the endless sea of information so you don’t have to.

I live in Arizona with my dogs Merlin the border collie, River the Belgian Malinois,
and Hazel the lab/pit bull mix. (And sometimes I live in Melbourne with my dog
Bear)

3LOSTDOGS.COM

You might also like