Inverclyde Times

A Magic Torch Production. Supported by Heritage Lottery Fund Winter 2005

AMAZING The forgotten history

that no one wants

INVERCLYDE!
you to know

Did you know Greenock was the birthplace

of the infamous Captain Kidd, the pirate
who inspired Treasure Island? Was he as
evil and dastardly as the history books
suggest, or was he simply a misunderstood
ship’s captain and businessman?And what
about the seventeenth century witch trials
of Inverkip village? Did a coven of witches
really try to curse ships on the Clyde?
Was the mysterious Auld Dunrod really a
warlock who flew across Greenock on his
broomstick casting evil spells and charms
on everyone below? Who was the strange
Bogle who lived on the moors between
Port Glasgow and Kilmacolm? How
many weary travellers disappeared on that
road if they failed to answer his riddles?

But the history of Inverclyde isn’t all monsters

and villains. Discover the heartbreaking
story of Robert Burns, Scotland’s national
poet and Highland Mary, the Greenock lass
he loved. See how Greenock born inventor
James Watt changed the world forever.
And how Inverclyde was at the forefront of
trade and exploration of “the new world”.

Read on for a history

lesson you won’t forget.
 SOLSTICE AT THE SERPENT
Town prepares for party of the year
500 BC
Patrons from the Sun Travellers Take Heed
How to Avoid Death this
Worship Association Summer While Travelling
are inviting all to their
annual Solstice Party Notice to all fishermen,
adventurers and seafaring types.
at the Serpent Mound. While travelling out and
about in these rough waters
This annual event is being held remember to take the necessary
in Skelmorlie, in honour of the precautions against sea sickness,
Sun god Baal, in thanks for the shipwreck, and certain death.
sun appearing the sky every
Before embarking on a journey one
day. should always take these steps to
ensure a safe and prosperous trip.
Big Chief Rottentotty from the
Association spoke briefly about One noisy onlooker responded 1. Go to the shore and heap
the new improved location for when asked about the Mound up a bucket full of sand.
2. Take this bucket of sand
this years festivities. He said “It is an amazing piece of
to our most beloved
“the mound was the result architecture and worth every landmark the Granny
of careful planning and a penny”. Kempock
range of fundraising activities 3. Walk round Granny
including druid racing and a Solstice party preparations Kempock seven times
sponsored celebrity wrestling were in full swing this morn still holding bucket of
sand.
match featuring ‘The Boulder’ with food and drink arriving
4. Remember to sing and
and ‘Irish Mac’. We also had a along with an array of livestock chant while still circling
bake sale.” and prisoners for the Solstice Granny Kempock with
sacrifice. Event organiser Sidix the aforementioned sand
“This allowed us to build Salmon promises the event to bucket.
the Mound to our own be ‘bigger and better then last 5. Finally you are ready
to hit the road/river in
specifications for our unique years” and encourages all to
search of adventure/fish
purpose. We got in a team of “come along have an ale, have with the full blessing of
experts who aligned the serpent a jig, and watch some quality our sacred stone.
shaped mound with the rising sacrifices”.
of sun on the Solstice. We Next week newlyweds and
had a state of the art altar fitted Festivities begin at sunrise on Granny Kempock
and even a paved platform the Solstice so come along early
installed for the sacrifices to to get a spot, this is one not be
sun god Baal.” missed even by Baal himself!
Romans - “We Was Robed!”
FINGAL 1 – ROMANS 0
200 AD
The local Roman auxiliaries were on their
knees once again yesterday after a crushing
defeat at the hands of Celtic hero Fingal and his
followers in a crucial battle for control of the
Clyde area. The atmosphere on Lurg Moor was
electric, and despite heavy downpours causing
marsh near the cow pens, and flooding on the
Roman road, the locals were out in force to
watch these two old rivals clash. Fingal and his
warriors were welcomed onto the battlefield
by chants of “the boys are back in town”,
while the Romans, scared off by the sight of
Fingalasaurus, were met with a verse of “In
your Roman Slums.”

The battle result was a forgone conclusion, with

Fingal trying out some new tactics, pushing
Gaul up front and moving Toscar into a more
defensive position, replacing the currently
injured Ossian, who simply sat on the bench
and took notes.
Druids Fear Saint Influx
Local leaders met early today to discuss
Afterwards, Fingal was asked how he thought the religious divides currently affecting
the battle had gone, answering: the community, following further clashes
“It was a battle of two halves, and we dominated between Pagans and Christians at a local
them both. We were all over them, proving once night spot.
and for all that it takes more than big spears and
stupid hats to win a battle.” Elders are critical of the new religion, saying
“it will never catch on.”
Fingal declined to discuss his future plans for
the Romans, though his new armour does sport Followers of Saint Blaine and Saint Fillan
the motto “Romans go home.” dismissed the elders as “godless”, yet Fillan
himself is modest about his achievements thus
Roman manager Idious Maximus was far, and keen to extend the hand of friendship
unavailable for comment, but one can’t help to local religions. Blaine in particular is
wonder whether he and his team will still be looking into establishing a church in the
on the Clyde next season if they continue to Greenock town centre area.
produce results like this.
DUMBARTON ROCKS!
Town shaken by
sudden arrival
of 200 angry
Vikings!
21st September 870
In a defiant display of “barelegged”
cheek, Olaf the White brought his Norse
Powered siege machine to the Clyde
yesterday in the form of 200 Viking Ships.

Trouble had been brewing between the

Artgal, King of the Britons exhausted
Kingdom of Strathclyde and the Norse
the last of the citadels water supplies by
for sometime, and many observers
running yet another particularly deep
commented that it was only a matter of
morning bath. In response to mounting
time before the Vikings made a move
criticism over this irresponsible habit,
on the ancient capital, Dumbarton.
the King angrily responded “you try
wearing chain mail 12 hours a day
Olaf, whose family rules both Dublin
and see how stiff your muscles are.”
and the Outer Hebrides, has been
Onlookers confirmed it had been
raiding the lands of the Strathclyde
a very long day at the siege.
Britons for some years now, but with
the support of his comrade Ivar the
One thing’s for sure, if this siege
Boneless, he now seems intent of taking
goes on for much longer, King
“the rock of the clyde” for himself.
Artgal will continue to find himself
in hot water, in more ways than one.
Yesterday our reporter revealed that
things inside the fortress weren’t looking
Inside - get to grips with Norse
good, with food supplies running out
and morale at an all time low. Today Code in our special 4 page
things took a turn for the worse when Rune pullout!
 Rourke, Joyce & Marr
Estate Agents

Newark
This impressive four floor Castle has been recently refurbished and
is in good decorative order with views beyond surrounding borough
to the River Clyde. Apartments comprise: Entrance Hallway, bay
windowed hall, well with murky water, 2 doubles Bedroom with en-
suite bucket. Ample nooks and crannies. Partially glazed. Wall and
portcullis proved adequate security. Internal viewing advised.

Ardgowan
An opportunity to purchase a 1/2 share of this stylish TOP FLOOR TOR
which is in good decorative order and lies convenient for transport facilities
including a stables with regular weekly horses to Glasgow. This impressive
starter castle comprises: massive banquet hall for all your feasting needs,
dank cellar/ kitchen, master bedroom and refuse pit. Candles and fireplaces
throughout.

Easter Greenock
Offered to the market in walk through condition, the property requires
some modernisation, including new walls to meet current siege
regulations. Sure to appeal to a wide variety of lairds, the property
is ideally located for a host of amenities, including blacksmiths and
piggeries. Enjoys aspects beyond surrounding property to open hillside
and bog.

Duchal
This charming ruin offers ideal opportunites for those looking
to invest. Lying exposed in a remote rural location, this dank
fortification would make a perfect development project for the
Knight with extra time on his hands. Accommodation comprises;
three walls open plan living space, no drawbridge, evil haunting
monk
 That Auld Black Magic

There were scenes of mayhem and and his many charges were read out. When
devilment in the Auld Kirk today as reputed confronted with the allegation that he had
local warlock Alexander Lindsay of Dunrod “milkit the laird o’Kellys kye” and “gat far
was finally brought before the session to mair milk than wad mak’ a gabbert sim”,
answer crimes against his neighbours. A the warlock merely stroked his beard and
blanket was draped over the self styled gave a sinister chuckle.
witchlord’s head as he was escorted
into the kirk in order to avoid any local The Kirk was told of the dramatic broomstick
pressmen making woodcuts of his face. chase which lead to the witchlord’s arrest.
Refusing to allow members of the Kirk to
Many people of Inverclyde will be question him, Auld Dunrod he muntit his
well aware of Dunrod’s many deeds; stick - his broomstick muntit he - and he
in particular his habit of stealing cows flew three times about, and through the air
milk by some devious fashion has made did flee. Determined to catch their man,
him the enemy of many farmers of members of the Kirk pursued Dunrod awa’
the area. Mr Archie McArthur told us: by auld Greenock tower, And by the Newark
“Aye, he’s ayways aboot wi’ his boutrie ha’. The Warlock was finally cornered after
pin, sticking it in the wa’ and such, and he lost control of his broomstick and collided
dryin up a’ ma guid kyes milk. Tha’ man with local lore stone, the Bogle Stane.
a ghoustie carl.” This paper would very
much like to hear from any readers who The trial continues
can decypher Mr McArthurs statement. P
Pagans concerned by sharp rise
in number of Witchcraft trials.
Being questioned by the Rev V Joyless, Government claims it is due to a
Dunrod was seen to smile evily as he change in the way incidents are
was stood before the session at the Kirk recorded.
Lamont Confesses!
March 8th 1662
Inverkip villagers have been
shocked and stunned by the
claims of Miss Mary Lamont,
a local girl long suspected of
involvement in witchcraft.
Miss Lamont (18) came to
trial yesterday. In a lengthy
confession, Lamont detailed five
years of dark deeds and black
magic, including stealing milk,
dancing, and being rude to a
local minister.
“I’m not in the least bit surprised”
said local farmer John McElwee.
“There was always something
about her. I couldn’t put my
finger on it. But it must have
been that she was in league with
Satan.”

Cheese

Victims of Lamont’s evil magic

are pleased that she will at last be
brought to justice.
“Well I would see her out on
misty mornings...muttering.” weeks ago, we met at the back Gourock. “We met at the
Said Agnes Lochrie “And then gate of Ardgowan Estate, and Kempock Stone. We wanted to
I’d go out to milk the cows the devil was with us. He told us push the stone into the river to
and there would be nothing! to fetch sand from the shore and destroy boats and ships. We also
Absolutely nothing! Yet she cast it about the gates. After we danced there, and the devil kissed
would have plenty of milk and had done this, the devil turned us us when we went away.”
butter. At one point there was into cats.”
actually talk of her opening a Gourock Community Council
cheese shop because she had so Cats are not impressed by the witches.
much milk. It just wasn’t right.” “Well the last thing Gourock
Local folk are particularly needs is black magic and
Party horrified by this claim. “The vandalism.” Said May McIntosh
devil turned them into cats! Can “They never really had a chance
Lamont claims she was first you believe that?” said Michael at shifting that stone though. It’s
introduced to the devil at a party Docherty “I mean, I quite like really heavy. I don’t know what
in Katherine Scott’s house. It cats. But I certainly won’t be they were thinking.”
was around this time that the nice to them in future. You never
devil asked her to join his service know who you might be letting Lamont’s sentence has yet to be
and gave her a new nickname into your house.” passed, but as she has confessed
“Clowts”. Her most damning to being a witch she will most
confessions related to the recent Lamont also detailed the Inverkip probably be burned at the stake.
events at Ardgowan Estate. “Five Coven’s recent activities in If she’s lucky.
 NO KIDDING
STOP PRESS.....KIDD HANGED!
There were sensational scenes today
at Execution Dock, as Captain
William Kidd was finally hanged for
treason and murder. A drunken Kidd
On the eve of his trial, we talk to infamous pirate staggered to the gallows and spent his
Captain William Kidd. Is he really all that bad? final moments cursing everyone he
ever knew before rather optimistically
asking God to forgive him. At the first
23rd May 1701 in a bit of a temper and threw it at attempt, the hangmans rope snapped,
Captain Kidd, how are preparations him.
going for the trial? but the pirate was simply strung up and
The ship’s doctor suggests he died hanged again.
In a word…can I swear? later as a result of this blow to the
head.
No
It was just a wee bump! Anyway what
Right. Well, not great. A lot of the papers does the doctor know? Liked his rum
that would prove my innocence just that Bradinham. Plus, Gunner Moore
seem to have mysteriously disappeared. had been feeling dodgy for weeks. He
Know what I mean? “Disappeared” as was on his way out the moment he
in stolen by the British Admiralty to stepped aboard the Adventure Galley.
stitch me up like a kipper. Total waste of space.
That’s a bold claim sir. Let’s talk about your early days.
You’re from Dundee originally…
Just one of the many surprises I’ve got
in store for the jury tomorrow. And I’ve No. No who said that?
a whole team of star witnesses who’ll
help get me off. Somebody from Dundee told me that
you were….
Can you tell us about any of them?
No chance. I’m frae Greenock. Mighty
There’s Hugh Parrot, Darby Mullins, mighty Greenock. And proud of it. I
Richard Barlicorn… don’t live there right enough. I’ve got
a nice big house in New York.
Aren’t they members of your crew And it was while in New York that
who are also on trial for piracy? you were approached by Lord Bel-
lamont? Kidd - available for public viewing.
Aye, well, beggars can’t be choosers.
Plus, they’re basically good guys. They
Big Ballad
He’s another one him. It’s him that’s
wouldnae do ye a bad turn. Unless you got all the papers that would prove I
were on a ship full of gold. Then there was allowed to raid French ships. The
might be bother… British government asked me to raid A new broadside ballad which details
French ships. So all this nonsense about the lurid exploits of Captain Kidd has
You are accused of murdering William me being a pirate… become a massive hit across London’s
“Gunner” Moore by striking him
with a bucket… It’s not true then? East End. The jaunty sea shanty is
Well…bits of it are true. Nobody’s loosely based on an apparent “final
I just chucked it at him! I never actually perfect. But there’s nothing in the world confession” given by Kidd before he
hit him with it. He’d been threatening that could make it appear I was guilty of took to the gallows. “The punters just
mutiny, calling me all sorts of rude piracy. For my part I am the innocentest
names. And I just picked up the bucket person of them all. can’t get enough” says John Wilson, a
printer. “And it’s taken on a life of its
own, people keep adding in new verses
all the time…I can’t keep up. I’m sure
most of it’s true. I’m not sure about
some of the newer verses though, I don’t
honestly know if he actually fed his
own gran to a killer whale, or if he sent
a giant squid to attack His Majesty’s
Navy. I suppose he might have. He’s a
nasty piece of work.”

You can hear a recording of the ballad

on the “Downriver” cd or at www.
Kidd in court. Yesterday. downriver.org.uk
 WATT A GREAT IDEA!
Scotland Goes Loco as Inventor Boils Kettle
October 14th 1764 cottage, Greenock, and had noticed
The Industrial Revolution came with great interest the steam rising
to the boil last night as Greenock from the mouth of the kettle.
born engineer James Watt finally
broke his silence about the origin Little did he realise that his obser-
of his revolutionary invention – the vations would spark a revolution
Steam Engine. which would change the world
forever, and make him an interna-
Steamy Secrets tional star.

Pressure had been building on the “Yeah – its pretty good” admitted
young inventor and last night the Watt, “but fame has its downsides.
press turned up the heat with the I can’t even get on a train anymore
revelation of Watts “steamy secret” without being noticed.”
that while he may have made one
of the greatest inventions if our Watt, who is currently working at
time, he had in fact only set out to the University of Glasgow, is hop-
make a cup of tea! ing to go into buisness for him-
self. With his latest invention, this
“Its true” confessed the 28 year old we’re sure he can do WATT-ever
steamer. “I was only trying to make he wants!
the tea – not start a revolution.”
It seems that at a young age, Watt Don’t miss tomorrows 4 page
had sat by the fire in his mother’s special steam pullout. James “Jimmy” Watt. Yesterday.

Bell causes alarm But Bell hasn’t let his lack of

maritime expertise get in the way.
He’s hired young Port Glasgow
A ship without sails that could go
engineer John Wood to help him
where it pleased regardless of the
build his boat. Speaking at his yard
weather? It may sound ridiculous,
in the Port yesterday, Wood (23)
but if Helenburgh based “inventor”
said; “It’s mental. This thing can
Henry Bell has his way, this could
really clock up the speed – I’ve
soon become a reality.
souped her right up so that noo she
can dae nearly five miles an hour
Bell (45), came up with the idea
to Glasgow in less than 6 hours! against the head wind. It’s pure
while in the bath. “I was splashing
mad.”
away with my little model sail boat,
and I suddenly thought – what if Until recently Bell was regarded
as something of a crank by the Bell and Wood hope to launch
you made a boat without sails.
majority of folk. Even his wife their ship later this month, making
What would that be like? Pretty
wondered if her husband had taken it the first commercial steam ship
good I thought.”
leave of his senses: “I just don’t in Europe. By September the ship
know what he’s prattling on about. will be making regular trips to
According to the inventor, his ship,
I thought he was talking about Oban in four days. Overcoming
named the “Comet”, after the great
a model boat, I didn’t realise he the strength of winds on the open
comet of 1811, will allow people
was going to build a real one. He sea may seem like one step too
“to sail by the power of air, wind,
doesn’t know the first thing about far for science, but we reckon this
and steam.” Not only that, Bell says
boats – he can’t even swim. ” Comet is certainly one to watch.
it will make the trip up the Clyde
 BARD GETS
A NEW BIRD
WHILE THE
OLD ONE FLIES
THE COOP!
19th October 1786 relations to avoid scandal. Fortunately this
Local love rat and poet Robert Burns is did not work as local gossips contacted the
at it again according to sources. This time press. It has been widely known that Jean’s
Burns has apparently set his sights on local parents were no great fans of Burns and
Dunoon lass Mary Campbell or Highland severely disapproved of his relationship with
Mary as she is know to her friends. The their daughter, and indeed Jean’s father was
couple have embarked in a whirlwind affair, reported to have fainted on hearing of his
reputedly sharing more than ae fond kiss or daughter’s predicament and had to be revived
two, and today we can exclusively reveal by his wife’s cordial.
that two have married in a secret wedding
ceremony in the country. Sources close to the JAMAICA
newlyweds claim the two took part in a secret
ceremony by the banks of the Fail declaring Burns and Mary seem the picture of wedded
their love and devotion to one another. bliss and have mentioned that they may be
soon leaving our fine shores for the sunnier
ARMOUR climate of Jamaica. Mary has recently gone
into hiding with family in Greenock, and
These latest revelations will no doubt shock while Burns has left behind him a string of
and infuriate the bards ex girlfriend who is broken hearts and fatherless children perhaps
at this moment in time pregnant with his she will be the one to finally tame the playboy
child in Paisley. The girl, Jean Armour was poet. Or perhaps not. Both parties declined to
reportedly whisked off to live with distant comment.
 Life After Death!
Hear messages from beyond the ether! See
apparitions! Touch unearthly ectoplasm!*
MISS ABBY McGHEE using her MOST
REMARKABLE SKILLS as a MEDIUM
will contact all DEARLY DEPARTED fam-
ily members and pets.
Pass on INTIMATIONS OF GOODWILL.
Discover the whereabouts of LOST LEGA-
The west coast’s PREMIER seaside CIES. Be reassured that your loved ones are
holiday resort. safe and well in the hereafter.
The place QUEEN VICTORIA Miss McGhee will be LEADING A
called “BETTER THAN LARGS” SÉANCE on the 27 th November in the Marvellous New Invention!
GAMBLE HALLS in Gourock. Come one, Steam powered trousers. For the
BATHE in the soothing waters of come all.
the glorious Clyde – believed by gentleman on the go. Inspired
many to be a CURE for all manner by the REVOLUTIONARY
of AILMENTS. IDEAS of Greenock’s most
ENJOY the bracing river air on a
stroll along the romantic promenade.
famous son, these STEAM
PLAY bowls or croquet on our hill- PROPELLED PANTALOONS
side lawns! VISIT the mysterious will make short work of any
“Granny Kempock Stone”. journey. No more need for cabs
New CRAZY GOLF opening soon. and carriages! VULCANISED
Hilarity guaranteed. INTERIOR CHASSIS to avoid
scalding. Be the envy of friends
and family, leave elderly rela-
tives in your wake.
*appearance of ectoplasm not guaranteed

Gentlemen warned
after disagreement
Two Greenock gentlemen were
yesterday thrown out of the “White
Hart Inn” following a disagreement
over a ladyfriend. Mr David Buchanan
questioned the good manners of Mr
Ronald Campbell’s companion, a
mutual acquaintance. Buchanan is
reported to have replied “You sir,
are a tumshie! Please be quiet.”
Campbell took tremendous offence
at this, apparently proclaiming
“How dare you sir! I must insist
that you join me outside. You are
getting it.” A slightly inebriated
Buchanan then rose to the bait,
saying “Indeed! Come ahead!” Both
gentlemen tumbled into the town
square and fisticuffs commenced.
The constabulary arrived shortly
thereafter. Both gentleman have
received a warning, a small fine and
are barred from the White Hart Inn
Artists impression of the stramash or stooshie. for a period of four days.