HELL..

Its over crowded

by

Barry John Terblanche

(+27) 079 6469 246 (South Africa)

scriptwriter.barryjohn@gmail.com
secondary email; opm7bjt@gmail.com

All rights reserved.

This screenplay/script may not be used or reproduced
for any purpose including educational purpose without
the expressed written permission of the author.
[Rev -1 June 2020]
FADE IN:

EXT. HELL - ALWAYS NIGHT

HELL. How best to describe it..? Night time with red clouds,
Mid-town L.A Chine-town in the 80's. Just a lot more
fucked-up and extremely over crowded with the walking dead
ZOMBIE like residents loathing around aimlessly.

SATAN. How best to describe him..? Take Donald Trump and

spray him red, give him goat horns and add a tail...

...His walking home, pushing and shoving his way through the
zombies. Pizza box held in one hand above his head.

INT. HOME

At home, entering, he slams the front door behind him with

his free hand. He's clearly upset. He tosses the pizza box
on to his kitchen table as he shouts out...

SATAN
SON!

Satan stares down a passage to the loud sound of music

playing... Collide, by Boys-2-Men.

SATAN (CONT'D)
SON... HELL-BOY! Get your ass here
now. And turn that shit off!

Hell-Boy, as we know him in the movie... here he is a 16

year old punk-kid... earing studs in his horns and all!

He comes walking up the passage. Bare foot, white shorts,

and a pink T-shirt that reads - CHOOSE LIFE. And a cap that
reads WHAM.

With him is his B.F, MICHAEL JACKSON that's dressed in his

infamous black suit, black hat, white socks and one white
glove.

Satan gives Hell-Boy a disgust look of disapproval.

HELL-BOY
Hay dad... What-up?

MICHAEL JACKSON
Hay MR S. Cool... you got pizza.
Satan is not impressed.

SATAN
YOU... FUCK-OFF!
 2.

Michael bolts for the door - GONE!

SATAN (CONT'D)
And you... SON. Please tell me you
never leave the house dressed like
that. You know I have a
reputatio...

...Frantic banging at the front door that's opened by a tall

skinny man dressed in a smart business suit. I-PAD in one
hand. He's quick to slam the door behind him.

He is the ACCOUNTANT. A real nerd. Satan's right hand man.

ACCOUNTANT
(Straightening his
attire)
Bloody hell... Where the fuck are
all these people coming from?

Satan gives him a stupid look.

ACCOUNTANT (CONT'D)
Yeah okay.... Stupid question.

SATAN
Speaking of... What's the numbers?

Accountant taps away on his I-PAD as he gives a glance at

the pizza box on the table.

SATAN (CONT'D)
There's eight in there. How many in
there?

Accountant tapping away on his I-PAD as he walks around the

large kitchen to then come to an abrupt halt.

ACCOUNTANT
You know your Wi-Fi really sucks in
here!
Population. 955, 870, 263, 528, 651
(Turns to the pizza box)
...And three in there.

Satan turns to see Hell-Boy stuffing his face with pizza.

SATAN
You little shit!

Hell-Boy bolts away.

 3.

ACCOUNTANT
Yeah... The population is becoming
a problem.. We at the edge of Hell
and we running out of land! At the
current rate of population, 32.26%
year-on-year we going to have to
figure out a way to kill the dead
and send them elsewhere.

SATAN
Mmm... What in GODS name is going
on up there? And I mean that
literally... Is God slacking down
in that there is more evil, than
good on earth?

ACCOUNTANT
That be cool... Then the balance
should soon shift in your favour.
You'll have majority souls and then
you will rule earth.

SATAN
Something don't seem right? I
gotta go up and have a look.

ACCOUNTANT
WHAT! You know you can't!

SATAN
Just a look-see... Short stay...
There must be something in the rule
book?

Accountant's finger swiping and tapping away on his I-PAD.

ACCOUNTANT
So there is... Chapter IIVIO,
Paragraph 632. Either God may give
the other a cross-over pass of 24
hours. In which instant they shall
occupy the body of a newly
deceases... and with no powers
whatsoever.

Satan and accountant stare each other...

ACCOUNTANT
He will never!

Satan extends is arm out to accountant. Accountant sways his

head in disapproval as he takes his cell phone out his
 4.

pocket. His finger swiping down it - taps it and gives it to

him as it rings on speaker phone. Satan holds it in his
palm.

EXT. HEAVEN - GODS OFFICE - ALWAYS DAY

HEAVEN. How best to describe it...? Open air - blue sky -

fluffy white clouds.

On one of these fluffy white clouds is a large wooden desk.

Scatter of office stationary on it and two file trays that
read; PRE-APPROVED and DENIED. Also, A RED TELEPHONE, the
old ring finger turn dial kind.

ZOOM IN - On red telephone as it rings..

GOD (O.S)
(Startled)
What the fuc... FUDGE!

Back ground sounds - like someone flipping backwards off

their chair in fright.

..Telephone still ringing. A white man's hand removes the

phone from its cradle. Ringing stops.

INT. HELL - SATAN'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Satan puts the cell phone down on the kitchen table (on
speaker)...

GOD (O.S)
...Hello?

SATAN
(Cheerful)
HELLO! - H.E.L.L.O... Remove the O
and you get?

GOD (O.S)
(Grumpy)
What the HELL do you want! Excuse
the pun.

SATAN
Chill man... What's it been? About
a thousand years..?
 5.

GOD (O.S)
Not long enough... What do you
want!

SATAN
Say, I need a favour.

GOD (O.S)
Not gonna happen.

SATAN
You haven't even heard me out
yet...

GOD (O.S)
Not gonna happen.

SATAN
The rule book. Chapter IIVIO,
Paragraph 632.

GOD (O.S)
Not gonna happen.

SATAN
HAY. You owe me... These pedophile
catholic priest I'm housing for
you! You want me to send them back
up?

GOD (O.S)
GONNA HAPPEN!
...What do you want?

SATAN
BETTER... Good! As per the rules, I
need to go up... Stretch the legs a
bit you know.

GOD (O.S)
Mmm... Okay. But no prospecting!

SATAN
Right... As per the rules, put your
consent in writing and E-mail it to
me; devel.1@hell.com
 6.

GOD (O.S)
(Confused)
E-MAIL..?

SATAN
REALLY NOW! Fax...?

GOD (O.S)
A what..?

SATAN
You know what... I'll just take
your word for it.

GOD (O.S)
Your 24 hours starts tomorrow
sunrise.

SATAN
SUNRISE! Like the fucken sun shines
down here?

GOD (O.S)
Ye... Didn't think that one
through. Well then your time starts
NOW!

CLICK.

SATAN
Geez... Someone's in a shitty mood.

Accountant gives Satan a look...

ACCOUNTANT
You got the part of... Your powers
will not work up there, right?

SATAN
Not that I'll need them. They just
a bunch of harmless humans doing
bad shit.. Or good.

ACCOUNTANT
HARMLESS!? Have you had a good look
at your tenants of late? They
pretty fucked-up!
 7.

SATAN
Sticks and stones.

ACCOUNTANT
Yeah... Maybe a good few years ago
when you were last up there. That
was HITLERS funeral if I'm not
mistaken?

...Look at young JIMMY that works

down here at the Burger King, his
head half blown away. He tells me
his school teacher pulled a SHOTGUN
on him. --Whatever that is?

SATAN
I'll let you know if I see one...
Now find me a fresh one. And not
some fat whore.

Accountant on his I-PAD.

ACCOUNTANT
I got a stock broker that's just
jumped?

SATAN (O.S)
Lame...

ACCOUNTANT
Donald Trumps has just been
assonated.

SATAN (O.S)
Hell no! SHIT..! Don't tell me his
on our list?

ACCOUNTANT
Durrr... ITS DONALD!
Here's one you'll like. A gangster
has just been shot.

SATAN (V.O)
I'll take it.

ACCOUNTANT
Right... I'll tap it in and see you
in 24 hours.

Accountant taps his I-PAD. Satan vanishes.

 8.

EXT. LOS ANGELES - DAY - CONTINUOUS

Busy street corner. Satan appears as a young black man

wearing baggie jeans and a white vest. He instantly shades
his hand over his eyes...

SATAN (V.O)
FUCK - DAY - SUN! Been in the dark
for too long.

He squints his eyes open as he removes his hand. A blur, but

he can see a figure before him. The figure clears to reveal
a black man holding a SHOTGUN by his hip. Satan looks at
this "thing" that's now pointed to him. From it he sees a
bright FLASH to the sound of BANG.

INT. HELL - SATAN'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Satan appears as the gangster. A bloody hole in his chest. A

much bigger hole in his back. Blood dripping down onto the
floor. Accountant taps his I-PAD.

ACCOUNTANT
(Sarcastic)
57 SECONDS! So... Much changed up
there over the years?

Satan looking at the hole in his chest. Sticking his hand in

in amusement...

SATAN
SHOTGUN! There's your answer.
Accountant looking on in WOW, as he walks around inspecting
the big hole in Satan's back. Looking through it...

ACCOUNTANT
WICKED!

SATAN
Right, let's try that again.
Next...

Accountant on his I-PAD.

ACCOUNTANT
Got a catholic priest doing it with
a young bo...
 9.

SATAN
...NO THANKS! And just what the
hell is with them and young boys!

ACCOUNTANT (V.O)
Ye... Ask your son!

ACCOUNTANT
Mmm... This looks safe. A police
officer. Just hit a wall off a high
speed pursuit.

Accountant has his finger twitching above his I-PAD.

SATAN
Sounds safe... SEND.

EXT. NEW YORK - CENTRAL - DAY - CONTINUOUS

Satan appears as the police officer. Strapped in his patrol

car that's on its roof in a busy street. His (P.O.V) upside
down seeing a black S.U.V pull up to a screeching halt. A
man steps out placing an R.P.G on his shoulder, aiming it at
him. It fires...

INT. HELL - SATAN'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Satan appears as the police officer - what's left of him.

His arm falls off to the floor.
Accountant taps his I-PAD.

ACCOUNTANT
1 minute, 38 seconds.

INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

Satan as a young women tied to a chair. Three guys pour fuel

over her and throw a lit zippo at her. She burst into
flames.

INT. HELL - SATAN'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Satan appears as the char burnt women.

Accountant eating pizza. He taps his I-PAD.

 10.

ACCOUNTANT
1 minute, 14 seconds.

EXT. PALM BEACH - DAY - CONTINUOUS

Satan as a ten year old white boy. He's with two other same
age boys busy buying drugs from a uniformed police lady.
This, in plain site on a street corner...

An old Chev drives up past them as it mows them down in good

old drive-by style.

INT. HELL - SATAN'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Satan appears as the ten year old boy, ripped with bullet
holes.

Accountant taps his I-PAD.

ACCOUNTANT
2 minute, 47 seconds. Your best
time yet boss. I must sa...

SATAN
..ZIP IT! And change me back to me.

Accountant taps on his I-PAD, SATAN reappears. Accountant

looks down at the pool of blood Satan is standing in. Satan
looks down too...

SATAN (CONT'D)
...The wife is going be pissed!

ACCOUNTANT
Mmm... Five visits and you still
have 23 hours 53 minutes 40 seconds
left. I see this is going take a
while.

SATAN
They ruthless.. Fucking animals!
Natural born killers.

ACCOUNTANT
Yeah... As its written. Every man
is born in sin.
 11.

SATAN
Yeah... But they supposed to grow
out of it! Go to school...
church... I mean what the fuck, I'm
a ten year old buying Meth from a
police officer. I'm shot to pieces
in a drive-by!

ACCOUNTANT
What you moaning about boss? It's
good for business. More numbers
right. You'd be so lucky if the ten
year old kid was scoring for his
five year old sister...

SATAN
...Probably was. Listen... I gotta
go back up and stay there for a
while. You think you can find me
someone that's not going to get
killed in under an hour... At
least! And maybe somewhere quite,
like France?

ACCOUNTANT
FRANCE! You'd shoot yourself!

Accountant tapping away on his I-PAD.

SATAN (V.O)
Greenland?

ACCOUNTANT
You clearly don't surf the web.
Here... I got a Nun, heart attack.

Satan gives him a raised eyebrow worried look. Accountant

gets the look, as he taps away...

ACCOUNTANT
...No. She's clean! She's not doing
any little boys. Or girls.

SATAN
SEND.
WAIT... A Nun? Hello... I'm the
Devil remember. You don't think
it's going to piss God off?

Accountant smiles.
 12.

SATAN
Fuck ye..! SEND!

INT. CHURCH - DAY - CONTINUOUS

Satan appears as the Nun, 30's, white, sexy. She's standing

at the back of the church looking on to a near empty church,
a PRIEST, 60's, white, fat. His on the stage in sermon...

PRIEST
(Loud)
...you must believe and have faith
in God. Fear not how cruel, painful
and sadistic your death may be. As
it's written in the bible; If your
enemy slaps you, turn the other
cheek.

It's also written.. God is on your

side. So I say fuck-it! You fight
back with all you have and you
don't stop till your last breath is
sucked out of you... Your lost drop
of blood sprays from your body...

Nun stands listening wide eyed - jaw dropped.

NUN (V.O)
HOLY SHIT!

PRIEST
Amen.

CONGRIGATION (O.S)
Amen.

PRIEST
Before you leave... Those that are
low on ammo come see me at the
back. I only have for those
carrying 9mm Para and 45's, for the
rest of you I have plenty of switch
blades donated by the youth church.

NUN (V.O)
FUCK ME!
Everyone, all seven of the church follow the priest to the
back.
 13.

INT. BACK OF CHURCH - CONTINUED

Nun walks in passing the congregation as they walking out

reloading their hand guns. She comes to stand by the priest
who's packing R.P.G's into a crate. Priest looks up at
her...

PRIEST
Ah... Sister Mary. You looking
ravishing as always. Give me a
moment and I'll see you in my room
shortly.

She maintains a pose the "past nun" would have.

NUN (V.O)
WOW... One that's not into little
boys.

PRIEST
Wait... no, don't worry. I forgot
it's Sunday, TOMMY will be here
shortly for his private bible
study.

NUN (V.O)
Yeah... right. Thought it was too
good to be true.

Priest takes out a video camcorder and a tri-pod stand from

a duffel bag.

NUN (V.O)
You sick pedophile! Even I'm not
that fucked-up. I'm definitely
bunking you with big Bubba when you
come down under.

PRIEST
Oh... And Sister don't forget to
bolt the doors and arm the security
system when you leave.

NUN
Yes Father. Father, a question if I
may. All that's happening on
earth... The violence and killing?
...We overcome by evil. Does God
not rule this world? Where is our
God?
 14.

Priest gives her a genuine sincere look.

PRIEST
Gone...?
Given up...?
Wouldn't you after years and years
of pleading with people to be good.

Nun having that look of thought.

NUN (V.O)
God given up..?
HAS HE?

Priest removes a 45' from behind his back and places it on

the table before walking out...

PRIEST
Father John will be here soon...
Gives that to him please.

Nun picks it up as she sticks the barrel between her eyes.

BANG.

INT. HELL - SATAN'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Satan appears as the Nun. Bullet hole between her eyes and a
LARGE HOLE at the back of her head. Accountant stares at
her. Then down to the floor, to the fresh pool of blood
forming around the dry blood from all the other past
arrivals.
Nun looks down, then back up to meet accountants disapproval
glee.

ACCOUNTANT
Yeah... thought I'd wait till you
all done. You know... Mop the floor
just once.

He taps his I-PAD. Satan appears as himself.

ACCOUNTANT (CONT'D)
Not bad... 28 Minutes, 4 seconds.

Satan in deep thought.

ACCOUNTANT (CONT'D)
Boss?
 15.

SATAN
I think God has given up.

ACCOUNTANT
Say what..?

SATAN
FREE WILL... Do with it as you
will.

ACCOUNTANT
Cool...

SATAN
BUT WHY?

ACCOUNTANT
Maybe his pozzie is even more over
crowded than ours?

Satan is troubled in thought.

SATAN
Send me back!

ACCOUNTANT
Ahh... Nun has a real big fucken
hole in her head!?

SATAN
Send ME back... As I am, THE DEVIL
I AM.

ACCOUNTANT
Are you mad! You'll turn to ash in
an instant - GONE... DEAD! Leaving
your old lady to rule.

(BEAT)
FUCK!

SATAN
And send me back to that same
church. I got a horn to pick with a
Priest.
 16.

ACCOUNTANT
You really think you have the
numbers boss..? Don't you wanna
play safe... Send up a probe - your
son?

SATAN
Just where is that little shit
anyway?

ACCOUNTANT
No Idea.
(V.O)
Probably at the gay bar.

SATAN
If I don't return, clean up this
mess and tell the bitch I'm real
disappointed in how she brought up
our son.

Accountant on his I-PAD, scrolling... He taps it. Satan

disappears.

INT. CHURCH - DAY - CONTINUOUS

SATAN appears. Walks down to a young boy (Tommy) sitting

under a Jesus crucifix statue, his head hung down, a blood
stained knife in his hand. Satan sees the bloody Priest
laying dead on the ground...

SATAN
Tommy... Right?

Tommy looks up to him. His morbid look is quick to change to

a grin like smile.

TOMMY
Yes...
(He looks over his
shoulder to the Priest)
You here for him?

SATAN
HELL YE!

TOMMY
Nice of you to come in person Mr
Devil.
 17.

SATAN
Yeah... Hay, nice job by the way.
Say, you got a phone on you I can
borrow?

Tommy takes out a cell phone from his pocked giving to him.
Satan dials 0800 666 and puts the phone to his ear...

INTERCUT BETWEEN SATAN AND ACCOUNTANT

ACCOUNTANT (O.S)
Hell. H.R Department.

SATAN
Get God on the line. I'm gonna
hold.

ACCOUNTANT (O.S)
That you Boss..?

SATAN
YES... Now phone him!

ACCOUNTANT (O.S)
(Excited)
YOU MADE IT! Hell yeah. You the new
ruler of earth and all it's
degenerates... Can I come up?

SATAN
NO! Now shut-up and get him on the
fucking line.

ACCOUNTANT (O.S)
Okay boss. Putting you on hold.

(BEAT)

ACCOUNTANT (O.S)
Boss. No answer, I left a voice
mail for him to call me back.

SATAN
You got this number I'm calling you
from right.

ACCOUNTANT (O.S)
Yes, I'll give you a cal...
 18.

Satan ends the call. Holding onto the phone.

SATAN
Say... Tommy, you a good kid right?
You know... Behaved, don't do
drugs, say your prays every night?

Tommy looks over his shoulder.

SATAN (CONT'D)
Besides that. That's a good thing.

TOMMY
Yes Mr... I'm a child of God.

SATAN
That's good to hear. Now look kid,
I got a favour to ask of you. When
you get to heaven I need you to ask
the big man to give me call.

TOMMY
Sure. Ahh... I don't understa...

Satan points a finger at him. In that instant, Tommy

explodes into a fog of ash.

Satan stares up to the Jesus statue...

SATAN
WELL PLAYED... Really well played.
You've always been the BRIGHT one.
No pun intended.

Satan pushes redial on the phone and puts it to his ear...

ACCOUNTANT (O.S)
(Scared voice)
Boss hold on...

Satan moves the phone from his ear, to the loud shouting of
an hysterical woman (SATAN'S WIFE) screaming in the back
ground...

SATAN'S WIFE (O.S)

Is that him!? Give me the phone...
Give me the fucken phone now.

Accountant makes a run for it as he taps away on his I-PAD.

 19.

ACCOUNTANT (O.S)
Fuck this shit boss... I'm coming
up.

Accountant appears by Satan's side. His clearly scared

shitless as he drops to his knees breathing heavy.

Satan stares at him. Phone still by his ear.

ACCOUNTANT
FUCK..! Hell have no fury like that
woman that lives there.

Satan switches off his phone.

SATAN
I told you to clean up the blood on
the floor. But no...

ACCOUNTANT
I was busy with it. Till your Sons
buddy comes walking in... WALKING
IN the blood all over the floor.

SATAN
That shit Michael Jackson?

ACCOUNTANT
No. The other Michael --Mmm --Goer
--Wham --Make it bit --Choose life.

SATAN
GOERGE MICHAEL!

ACCOUNTANT
YEAH. Him.
(Starts to sing)
Wake me up before you go go. Wake
me up before you go...

Out of nowhere a church bench smacks accountant straight

across his face that sends him flying across the church.

Satan throws down the bench...

SATAN
ACCOUNTANT! Get your ass back here.

Accountant at the back of the church. Staggers-up... stands,

pulling himself together as he walks back up to Satan.
 20.

ACCOUNTANT
Sorry boss... Real catchy song
that.

Accountant looks around. Touching himself... Hand over his

mouth felling his breath. Then it hits him...

ACCOUNTANT (CONT'D)
We made it.. I.. I'm not ash. I'm
breathing. BOSS! Ruler of earth...
MY KING.

Accountants phone rings. He looks at the screen...

ACCOUNTANT (CONT'D)
Boss.. It's NUMBER #2 upstairs
(He chuckles)

SATAN
Put it on speaker.

GOD (O.S)
Yeah what do you want..? Young
Tommy says you looking for me.

SATAN
Well played... You played me well!
So now what..?

GOD (O.S)
So now what..? Now you can bloody
well do what you want too!

FADE TO BLACK

- THE END -