"I've been on the bottom and I've been on top.

And I wholeheartedly agree

that being on top is much more fun !"
-Sherry A1:qo11, Author of National Bedt.1eL!er Why I/fen Lo11e Bitche.1

"Out of the box thinking that will take you on a spiritual journey of self-
fu lfillment, love and completeness. For women and men ready to revamp
their thinking about themselves in relationships and in our modern society."
- LindaAnder,!Otz, PreJWent, Elite Fitne<1c1, Murrieta, CA

"Barbara Wright Abernathy tells it like it is. So much truth given in such a
no-nonsense, factual way that men are sure to love it as much as women. And
anyone who quotes Doris Day and John Gray on the same page is tops."
- Minii Dona[Jc1on, l11lemaluJ1uz!fy-renowned dpeake1; co-author of
Negotiating For Dununiu

"Move over Betty Friedan ... Barbara Wright Abernathy's book is the long
awaited sequel to T he Feminine Mystique! This is required reading for all
women, young and old(er) ."
- Ellen Re(J, Book Shepherd, CA

"!lenuJ On Top edifies and encourages the driven, career oriented woman by
revealing to her that marriage, love and romance are possible in her li fe if she
can overcome traditional societal expectations by embracing her inner f'emale
power. Barbara Wright Abernathy intelligently and correctly reveaJs that the
aggressive, dominant woman is at the head of the curve of a growing societal
trend where women are in charge and men are their helpmates. l highly
recommend this book."
- Elide Sutton, author of Female Dominatw11: An Exploratwn into the
Male Dec1ire For Loving Fem.aleAuthorihJ

"This book is a 'must read ' for any guy who wants to understand today's
women. And for those men who find themselves attracted to dynamic,
successful women, this book may truly be the key to their happiness."
- Sinwn Menke..:1 C.P.A., Lo.1 A.11gele.1, CA
1

"Great book! VenUJ On Top fiJJs the gap for women w ho need to hear of
alternative ways to look at life. Things cha nge, including interpersonal
relationships and cultural mores, so thank you for letting women (and men)
know it's OK to not play the same roles as our mothers!"
- Kajira Djouma/;ma, author of The Trihal Bible
 ; · "}'

W~men Who Are.Borif To lead

.And The Men Who.l~v:e Them
Women Who Are Born To Lead
AnCI The Men Who Lo,ve·Them··"?,,·

Barbara Wright Abernathy·

First Edition

.
OA~H I LL
, .-
PRU-SS
Oakhill Press
Winchester, Virgmia
Copyright © 2005 by Barbara Wright Abernathy
All r·ights reserved.
Reproduction or translation of any part of this work beyond that permitted by Section l 07
or I 08 of tbe 1976 United States Copyright Act without the pe1mission of the copyright
owner is unlawful. Requests for permission or further information should be addressed to
the Permissions Department, Oakhill Press.
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regard to
the subject matter covered. It is sold wil'h the understanding that the publisher is not
engaged in rend ering legal, accounting, or other professional service. If legal advice or
other expert assistance is requfred, the services of a competent professional person should
be sought. From a Declaration of Pr1i1cip/e.1 jointly a'dopted by t1 cmrmultu. of the American Bar
AJ.iociation and a c1J111111illee ofpuhli.Jhcr~.
Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may
be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form
or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise) without
the prior written permission of the publisher of this book.
F'ive Steps to Peace located in Appendix B reprinted with the permission of' Atria, an imprint
of' Simon & Schuste r Adult Publishing Group from NEW REVELATIONS by Nea.le
Donald Walsch. Copyright© 2002 Millennium Legacies. Inc.

1098765432 I

Edited by Carolyn t\llcn

Jacket design by Kathi Dunn
Book design & produclion by Robbie Bos, Mountain Creative Services, Big Bear Lake, CA
Indexing by Michelle Graye

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Pu blication Data

Abernathy, Barbara Wright, 1947-

Venus on top : women who are born to lead and the men who love them I Barbara
Wright Abernathy. - lst ed.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 1-886939-66-7 (pbk : alk. paper)
I. Leadership in women. 2. \Vomen-Psychology. 3. Man-woman relationships.
4. Marriage. 5. Self-realization in women. 6. Femininity . I. Tide

HQ1233.A24 2005
306.7-d.c22
2004056839

Oakhill Press
1647 Cedar Grove Road
Winchester, VA 22603
800-32-books
Printed in the United States of Ame rica
 There's A Relationship Revolution Brewing ...
Which Side Will You Be On?

There are men who can accept nothing but the dominant role. They
need to attract women who prefer being led . Barbara Wright
Abernathy suggests t hat that arrangement is a hangover from the past.

There is a growing number of' take charge Star Women who have
broken through the glass ceilings at work, but when it comes to
romantic relationships they are inclined to submerge their authentic
selves, believing all men are uncomfortable with accomplished, pow-
erful women. Not true! Just as there a re more leadersh ip women
emerging, so are there more men willing to let their partners take the
helm. It's not a question of masculinity/femininity; it's a matter of
temperament.

Whi le some of you a re already there, most women are just begin-
ning the climb or wondering where they should start. This book will
help you make the most of w ho you are.

The author knows whereof s he speaks. You'll read about bow she
grad uated From The School of' Hard Knocks into the arms of a man
who celebrates her strengths. The revelations gained from this tran-
scendental journey inspired this breakthrough book.

El 7 ('.]
 Barbara IF/right Abemalhy

From Relationship Hell

To Relationship Heaven
Ten years ago Barbara Wright Abernathy was the last person y ou 'd
want to listen to about emotional equiJibrium. Hers has been an ardu-
ous journey from the depths of despair to the heights of happiness.

By any criteria, Ms. Abernathy deserves to be counted among that

emerging class of leadership women. After graduating from Syracuse
University and postgraduate studies at the \Vetterhoff Institute in
Finland, she parlayed six years in the fashion and retail industries
into a successful career designing commercial interiors, specializing
in optical interiors. Her business accomplishments have been
acknowledged with an array of awards as weU as financial success.

However, her entrepreneurial success d idn't translate into any-

thing 1·esembling a satisfactory personal life. By the time forty-five
came along, she had gone through three divorces and innumerable
false starts with men. "1 was destroyed on a1J fronts-physically, emo-
tionally, financially, and spiritually. And the hangover from these

E:3 8 D
Failures lasted for five long, dark years." During which time she went
in and out of one self.-help regime after another.

Now that she has emerged fro m that tunnel of discontent, and
found her soul mate waiting at the far end , Barbara fe lt s he could help
other Star Women avoid the pitfalls that tripped her up. The author
knows of what she speaks. While her accomp}jshments in the busi-
ness world gualified her early on as a powerful woman, three divorces
left her pretty much an emotional basket case.

And for those of you who may a lready be in the throes of confu-
sion and d iscontent, she provides ways and means to lift you out of
the depths of depression into a well -round ed and rewarding new life.

The proof is in the pudding, of course. But as Barbara discovered,

you first have to come to the table. So pull up a chair and sample her
recipe for renewal.

£3 9 0
Introduction . . . .. . ............ . .... ............ . .. .. ... ......... ..... .15

Section One: Undel'dtan'Jing Women ....... ......... . .. . . ..... . .. . 22

Chapter I. Totally Powerful and TotalJy Loved . ... ... .......... . . . . .. 25
Chapter 2. Embracing Your Feminine Power ...................... .. 39
Chapter 3. Star Women and Earth Mothers . ........................ 57
Chapter 4. Return of the Goddess . . .... . . ... ..................... . 76

Sectio1L T1Vo: UnJer.1tandi11g Mell .. . . .. ............. ... ........... 94

Chapter 5. Loving the Right Man ... . .. . . ...... .... . ... ........... 97
Cha pter 6. Men and Sex ......... ........ . . ........ . ....... ..... 130
Chapter 7. The Man's Perspective-Why She Leads ................. 155

Section Three: Creating A Better Life ........................... 164

Chapter 8. Tools for Transformation .... . . .. ............... .. . ... . 167
Chapter 9. The Vision and The Plan . . .. ...... . .... .. . ...... . . . . .. 192
Chapter 10. Training Your Man or
Why Real Women Don't Do Mousework . ............ .. ....... .. 237

Section Four: Forging Ahea:d ........ .. ......................... . . 260

Chapter 11. Maintaining Love and Respect For Your Man . . ........ . . 263
Chapter 12. Feminine Power and the Future of the World . . ...... .... 276

Bibliography . ..................... . .. . . .. ........ . .... ...... .. .. . . . 284

Appendix A - Men 'd I nterview<1 ........ . . . . ..... . . ............. ... 286

Appendix B - Five StepJ To Peace ........... .......... . . . .. . . ... 307

Appe11dix C - New Thought Re.iource.1 ........................... 308

lnoex ... . ... . ............................. . . .... ............... .. . . .. 311

 To Stephen Abernathy-
my husband, soul mate and best friend.
Without his constant love,
infinite patience, and complete support
this book could not have been written
or even conceived.

D 12 G
 My book shepherd, Ellen Reid, gets a very special thaokyou from
this first-time, but certainly not last-time author. She guided me gen-
tly but firmly through the unfamiliar wild forest oF possibilities and
pitfalls, which I had to navigate in order to produce this book.
Without her help I surely would have stumbled and lost my way.

No one could ask for a finer editor than Carolyn A.lien, whose
rctzor-sha1·p insights a.nd probing questions helped me shape my ideas
into a well-organized work, of which I am very proud.

lam especially grateful to Chandra (Sky Bear Weaves Her Path,

elder) Smith, .M.S.W, who first introduced me to the Native
American personality archetypes noted in this book at our annual
Women of Wisdom conference in Big Bear Lake, California. These
concepts were passed down to her from her elders in the Native
American oral tradition.

Many thanks to a ll the wonderful spiritual teachers who assisted

me a long the way in my personal spiritual journey, especially Rev.
J ean Sweet of the Bear Valley Church of Religious Science Center
for Spiritual Enrichment.

And, of cou rse, I am very grateful to my mother, Dorothy

Siracusa, my brother, Tom Campanelli, and the rest of our extended
family. They are always 100 percent behind me no matter w hat my
next madcap endeavor might be. Growing up with a ll your love was
truly a blessing for me. Thank you.

a 13 rLJ
"Women who Jeek to he eqlUll with men lack ambition."

- Tinwtby Leary
 Women have come a long way, baby, but we stm have a long way
to go. Too many women today are successful at work but curiously
u nsuccessful, unhappy, and dissatisfied in their relationships with
men. There is a reason for the problem a.nd there is a solution. It's all
laid out for you here in these pages. \Vomen are about to learn how
to find happiness in a new way of life at the leading edge of the rela-
tionship frontier.

No longer must women choose between being loved and being the
leader. No longer must women furtively manipulate their men in
order to have power. Men and women are forging a new kind of part-
nership where both partners make a conscious choice for the woman
to be the leader of the household . This is the wave of the future. Is it
right for you? Is this the missing ingredient in your otherwise satis-
fying life?

Some women will read this book just to learn how to get their man
to do the laundry. Others will recognize themselves and be enthralled
at the prospect of being totally in charge and totally loved for it. 1\'lore
and more couples every day are discarding the old model of male-
dominated marriage and embracing a new lifesty le.

"But I don't necessarily want to dominate my partner or be the

leader in our relationship," you may say. "1 just want to be equal."
'W e've been trying to be equal for decades and we're still not there.
Most men are not volunteering to "empower" us to be equal, are they?
I dislike that word empower. Nobody can "empower" anyone else.

We women need to rediscover and reclaim the feminine power that

we already have within us, and learn to express it and use it in mean-

a 15 C!J
ingful ways. Whining, playing the victim, and pleading for fairness
and equality haven't won us the results or respect we want. Feminine
power exercised with grace and strength elicits respect from men.
Men expect those with power to act powerful without asking permis-
sion. We are never going to be equal unless we first get on top! From
that position we can then create the kind of equality we want.

"She'cl the lea.der. ../'m like the 1nonlceiJ on the piano.

11
I do the jumping. She play.1 the tune.
- Ozzy 0.1houn1.e on. wife, Sharon

If your partner gave you this book, you owe it to yourself totem-
porarily suspend your judgment and read it all the way through. He 's
telling you that this "woman as leader" lifestyl e is what he wants. That
means you're way ahead of most women - y ou've already got the
right partner for a woman-led marriage! His job now is to back off
and let you gradually come into your power on you r own terms and
at your own pace.

If you pick up this book, prepare yourself for some startling

insights into your cultural heritage as a woman, and a new perspec-
tive on what our feminin e-led future can be. It's awesome!

All women are inhe rently powerful, but that power is expressed
differently through different personalities. Using the simple system of
personality archetypes I have refined for men and women will help
you identify your archetype, and understand which type of man is the
best match for you.

If you are single, you will learn which kind oF man is right for you
and how to evaluate the men you date for long-term compatibility. If
you are married you wi.11 I.earn how to teH if your man is worth keep-
ing, and how to improve your relationship if he i.s. If he's not a keep-
er you'll be able to develop the inner strength you need to shed your
partner - if necessary - and find a better one who is in harmony
with your needs, in support of your goals, and r espectful of y our fem-
mme power.
~ 16 Q
 Don't accept that poppycock about good men being scarce. There
are tons of good men out there who want to be in partnership with a
powerful woman, but there is a shortage of women who have accept-
ed and embraced their true feminine power.

When I finally discovered my real power, I was 54 years old with

three painful divorces behind me. I now have a tall, handsome, kind,
and loving husband who treats me like a queen and does all the
housework. I never need to be anything less than all that I am and my
husband loves me for it. I'm free to let my light shine brightly instead
of masking it for fear that l won't be loved. I'm happy at last and you
can be happy too!

For too many of us women the old models of relationships don't

work. When the old ways aren't working there are always a few
brave souls willing to open their minds and hearts and try a new way
of doing things. That's why a quiet revolution has been brewing on
the home front in America over the past decade.

Women are taking their place as head of the household. And, yes,
there are plenty of good men out there who want a powerful woman to
respect and love - stay-at-home dads are just the tip of the iceberg.

If you had known me back in 1994 and I told you that some day
I'd be writing a groundbreaking book on marriage and relationships,
you would have laughed yourself silly, and then had me thrown into
the loony bin. There I was at age 47, deep in the throes of menopause,
emotionally bruised, and reeling from divorce number three. I was
losing my home, my health, and my mind all at the same time.

Wouldn 't you think an intelligent woman should have learned how
to pick a good man and have a decent, stable relationship by this time
in her life? Instead, my life was shattered into a million pieces for the
third time, and I was faced with the daunting task of somehow put-
ting myself back together agai11 .

G 11 S
 There's another way, my sisters. l found it and I'm going to show
you how you can too. I'm writing this book because I remember how
hard it was and how long it took to learn what I needed to learn on
my own. I don't want you to spend decades in the dark like I did . I
trudged through years of frustration wondering why my relationships
with men always turned into a power struggle. I spent too much time
and money in therapy complaining, 'Tm successful at work, so why
am I not successful at love?"

Well, at last I'm out of the woods and into the light. Here in these
pages is the information about men, women, and relationships I wish
I'd known 30 years ago. You won't have to suffer as long as I did. I'm
giving you a relationship map to new territory that boldly goes way
beyond "Venus & Mars." You may be jolted a bit by what I tell you, but
the stories are all true examples from my life. These p rinciples work
and all you have to do is try them for yourself with an open mind.

"Challenging exuting <1ocia.L coae.1 take.1 a kin() of

hrillia.nce, a l.a.!er heam. J/icing through the o/.JJram.u of
reference to a new clarity about what u po<1<1ihle. "
-Sherry Ruth A11.der.:1on, Ph.D. and Paul H Ray, Ph.D.,
authoN of The Cultural Creati11e.:1

\Vant to see for yourself the impact feminine power can have on a
man's mind and soul? Read the poem on the next page, w ritten to me
by my future husband on the night we first met. Vlhen he allowed me
to read it several months later I was amazed and delighted and grate-
ful that the feminine qualities I had w orked so long and hard to bring
out in myself were so readily seen by him. He read the poem to me as
part of our wedding ceremony-a moment I will treasure forever!

You deserve to have a man whose greatest pleasure and main goal
in life is pleasing you. Now you're going to find out just how to make
that happen! Your new life is waiting for you. Just turn the page.

- Barbara Wright Abernathy

C:3 IS ()
 A Poem Ju.ff For You, Barbara

affU'M 731® eye1

By Stephen Abernathy

Not Emerald green, but the brightest blue:

They remind me of the Sea;
I could gaze, to see therein, get lost eternally;
\:Vindows clear, into your Soul, 1 wonder as I see;
I can't imagine any place that I would rather be!

They capture light and magnify, the depth I do behold;

The Sun pales in comparison, they surely are TOO bold!
The Moon, she hides behind the clouds, She REALLY is in envy!
For I have told HER (in so many words), your eyes have snared,
they hold me !
The stars above, have known my love, they sing a sweet refrain;
But even THOSE, above so high, know they love me now in vain!
My love for all these Celestial Ones, they surely know.and see;
They've been long forgotten now, there's no escape for me!

I enter in, and am amazed, the SIGHT that I now see;

Stretched before, in vast domain, another \VORLD does greet me!
Deep blue waters, cool and clear, wavelets wash my members;
Encompassed now, I dive so deep, COOL liquid, HOT as embers!

D eeply now, I do descend, HOT blue is getting COOLER;

I really could not be in here, if DECEIT was 'ere to fool HER.
So, knowing that my heart is PURE, intentions forth and upright;
V..fe've allowed our journey to BEGIN, I see we've gained some insight!

Deeper still, and diving smooth, I see that we can breathe here;
T he S ERENITY I sense so deep. the STILLNESS, total lack of fear!
Tells my ESSENCE, OH TO EXPERIENCE... noteworthy to surprise;
The totality of PEACE there in the bluest of blue eyes.

G 19 El
...
 Femilline Power
Some of the oldest prehistoric art known to mankind in spired the
graphic symbols designed by the author for Venus On Top. T he
inverted triangle symbolizes the feminine principle as embodied by
the womb. The spiral is the symbol for power exemplified by the coil-
ing of a snake. ln those times snakes sign ified life energy and were
thought to bring good fortune.

Star Wo11ta1t Earth Mother

These two basic archetypes of the fem ale personality are charac-
terized by how a woman relates to her world. Star Women are the
leaders and visionaries, whose energy is active a nd self-oriented.
Earth Mothers are the nurturers a nd caretakers, whose energy is
receptive and other oriented. The sign for femin in e power is at the
center of both sym bols because both types of women are equally
powerfuJ, each in her own way.

c 21 r=J
 SECTION ONE:

~~~@ ~.,_,_·~
. , ~~~ ~·
UnderJtanding
Women
"It taku a kiniJ of geniuJ to nam.e a problem
that ha.; 1zo name, hecaU.Je if you do it bonutly
and ~f tbe timi11g iJ rigb~ million./ ofpeople
who have been Jtupifieo or lnJptWti.zed by that
prohlem will wake up. "

- Paul H. Ray and

SherrtJ Ruth AnderJon, Ph.D.
 Chapter I

10taUf PtJw~ut
Med
10taUf ttJvW

?:_"'tery woman has the potenrial within her to be totally power-

ful and totally loved. Just imagine for a moment what it
would be like to be respected and loved for your talents and your
intelligence by a man you respect and love.

Imagine being seen and known and accepted as your whole self,
with no need to hide your greatest gifts or your quirkiest quirks.
Imagine what might happen if you were given free rein to follow your
dreams with a partner who is your head cheerleader.

We women all know what it is like to be the head cheerleader for a

man. We've been playing that role for ages. What if you r man did that
for y ou as well? Imagine how wonderful your Life would be and what
great things you could accomplish. Imagine the kind of world we cou ld
create if all our dormant femal e power were unleashed to do good!
£) Venu.o011 Ttop _ _

This kind of relationship is no pipe

Imagine being Jeen and
dream. It is possible and it is an everyday
known and accepted a.J your reality for many w omen, including me. This
whole .re/f, with 1w need to can be your everyday reality, too.
hide your .9reate.Jt gift.1 or
your quirkie.1t quirk.1.
The Poweeful Woman
If you already think of yourself as a
strong and powerfu l wo man, but that exceptional relationship has so
far eluded you - take heart. It is indeed possibl e to create a reward-
ing relationship using the information in t his book.

'~JI/any 111omen ha11e more po111er than they recognize~

and they'r e 11ery he.1itant to Ll<le it, for they fear they
won 'L· be loved."
- Patricia Schroeder

ff you a re a woman w ho doesn't yet think of herself as strong and

powerfu l, who is afraid that becom ing powerfu l might make you less
attractive to men, let m e assure you - that old stereotype is no longer
t he case.

You may not have the type of personality that needs to be the
leader in you r marriage. However, if y ou ever hope to be in an equal
partnership where your op inions a nd desires hold just as much value
as the man's, you still need to develop y our feminine power in a pos-
itive way.

The great thing abou t being a woman who knows her power is that
you then have the tools to create a relationship that's right for y ou.
The power in your relationship can be properly balanced and both
partners will be free to work ou t the responsibilities according to indi-
vidual strengths and weaknesses. For example, if your husband is a
great money manager, the two of you can decide be will hand le the
b i.LL paying and checkbook balancing. However, you must make sure

D 26 D
 _ _ _Tt_at_nl(v P11Wa:f11/ mu} Tt1tal(v /Ai'tid fi]
t hat you have sufficie nt inAuence over how that money is spent. Your
feminin e power, when exercised correctly, wiU not only insure that
your influence is felt, but that it w iJI also be enjoyed and welcomed by
y our man.

What i..1 Fem.inine Power ?

The dictionary definition of power is: l. The ability, skill, or capac-
ity to do something, 2. Control and influence over other people and
thei r actions. A g reat many of us have been working too hard toward
the first definition while payi ng too little attention to the second. I
believe that the best way to wield power is to influence others and
their actions - this is the way of feminine power.

"True power com.e.1 f rom 111ithi11~ a nd it ha.1 a .1piritual

rather than a materialJoulldation. u
- Deepak Chopra

H ave you ever noticed t hat there a re some women w ho seem to

have a certain knack with men ? I've seen women who are not excep-
tionally beautiful but are treated like q ueens by their partners. T hey
have a q uiet, not boastful, self-con fid ence, and a kind a nd cheerful
manner. Genuine serenity seems to radiate from the center of their
being. This kind of woman is never rushed, driven, or stressed out.

Seei ng one of these women at a parly, l would initially think:

"What a weak little pushover she must be! l cou ld never be like that."
Then I'd see her attentive husband happily bringing her a drink and
asking if he could do anything else for her. "Hmmm," I'd grump to
myself, "What's she got- that 1 haven't got?"

T hen I'd try to rationalize my doubts away. "WeJl, she probably

just sits at home with the kids all day. She doesn't have to run a busi-
ness Like l do. I've gotta be toug h !"

c 27 (!)
 £3 Vtmu 011 Tup

l began to see that acting like a man was not v,rinning me the kind
of man I thought I wanted . However, I was still buying into the idea
that to make it in the business world, l 'd have to lead with the most
masculine traits I could find in myself, and
suppress those I thought too soft and Femi-
Feminine power i.J ahout nine. Back then I didn't understand that fem-
bei11,9: ma.1c1di11e power iJ inine power is abou t being; masculine power
ahout ooing. is about doing. Feminine power is inner
directed; masculine power is outer directed.

Nlost of our problems with men stem from the fact that we act too
mu ch like the old traditional male. We are caught between two
worlds. \Ve don't want to go back to the old world w here wom en
depended on men to bring home the bacon. Being financially se.lf-suf-
fi cient is a goal to which most modern women aspire. Certai nly we
don 't want to go back to the days when women weren't supposed to
work outside the home. Our mental picture of a powerfu l person is
based on what we know of powerful men. We think that the only way
to win is to beat men at their own game.

Good /Wen
Is it at all surprising that women have trouble creating a good rela-
tionsh ip these days? A w oman who is ambitious, smart, and compe-
tent al work does not want to be in a relationship that requires her to
stifle her talents at home, so thal the man in her life won't be upset or
feeJ infe rior.

The good news is that there are good men out there who want a
E30E3DC3DCDE3Dt30 powerfu l woman to love. And these men
aren 't weak or wimpy or losers. They are
The gooiJ ntmltl 1:1 that
there are good men out there men who have a deep and abiding respect for
who 111anl n. powetful women in general, and whose greatest pleas-
woman. to lm1e. ure in life is making t heir women bappy.

C 28 D
 _ _ _7i_
11t1_1l.o_
~I/ l'm1wf11/ m1iJ Totally Lovet) [ )

Any woman who sincerely wants to have a Fulfilling and support-

ive relationship with a good man can have it, providing she is willing
to make the changes needed within herself to attract and hold the
right man for her.

There are many reasons why your relationsh ips aren't bringing
you the satisfaction you seek. In the comi ng chapters I will shed light
on these problems and, more importantly, show you how to overcome
them. As I see it, these are the top three mistakes we make in rela-
tionships:

l . Expecting that having a perfect partner wiJI fix everything.

2. Getting entangled with a partner who is incapable of meeting
our needs.
3. Allo~ving resentments to build up and erode the respect we once
had for each other.

The number one mistake people (both men and women) make is
clinging to the idea that if you just had a perfect partner everything
would be great, all your problems would be solved, and you 'd finally
feel okay about yourself. I can assure you that it actually works just
the opposite way.

When you are happy w1th whom you are and your lif'e is good
and in balan ce that'.! when yo u'll attract (or maintain and enjoy) a
great partner. This is the Law of Attraction - one of the most Fun-
damental Universal Spiritual Principles in this physical world. The
people and things that you attract into you r
life are like a mirror of your consciousness.
You can only attract someone who is on 1'be people anu tbi119.1 that
your same level. If you are d esperate and you attract into your life are
like a mirror of your
fearfu l, t he man who is attracted to you is COllJcllllt.-1/lt!.IJ.
going to be desperate and fearfu'I, too.

0 29 0
£3 Ve1111J 011 Top

Howeve r, if you are emotionally healthy, kind , and loving (that iJ

the kind of man you want, isn't it?), then men who are emotionally
healthy, kind , and lov1ng w ill be attracted to you.

It's smart to put off' even 1·hinki ng a bout looking for a man until
you can hon estly say that you truly embody with i_n yourself the w hole
laundry list of qualities that you want in your man. First you need to
be the right person - to know what your values are and to live by
them. Next you need to understand your personality archetype and
the personality archetype of your most compatible mate, which w-e'll
cover in Chapter 3. Hyou know w hat to look for in a man y ou w ill be
able to attract th e right ma n for you.

Role f11odel.1
Tb ere are very few role models of women w h o are strong, cap able,
feminine, and successful both personally and professionally. High
p rofile women who make it to the top in poljtics or business, lik e
Margaret Thatcher, often appear to be even toug her than the men
they beat o ut to get th ere. Opra h \Viofrey is one of the most accom-
p lished and admired women in Am erica, but she d oesn't have a hus-
band or kids making d aily de ma nds on her.

For most of my life l labored u nder the belief that being femi nine
meant being weak . S how any sign of caring or compassion in a busi-
n ess deal and you'd be r un over by a man (or tough woman), w hose
on ly focus was getting to the bottom line a nd maklng sure their side
came out on top. In those days. tension and stress were my constant
compa nio ns. I even tried to use sex as a stress-reliever the way men
do. No matter how hard l worked o r hovv many wins I chalked up, I
still wasn't happy.

Like many women in my generation, l've been involved in numer-

ous short-term relationships. I'd meet someone new (or give an old
beau another go), be happy for some period of time and then w atch

t3 ;o D
 Totally Pori•erful and Totally Loved 6J
the relationship crumble. Yet I sometimes ran across women who
were happily married or in a satisfying long-term relationship. What
did they know that 1 didn't know? Was there some secret to having a
good relationship that no one was willing to share?

As much as I loved and respected my mother, I didn't want to be

like her. I dreamed of having my own business and knew I would
never be happy "just" being a mother and homemaker. My mother
had plenty of feminine power and strength, but as a child I did not
understand or appreciate those qualities. I saw a world where men
were in charge and thought women had to be aggressive to make it
different. None of the men (or women) in my family ran their own
businesses or even had a position of real leadership or authority at
work. We were blue-collar working class, salt of the earth sorts.

Where was the role model of a woman who was powerful, suc-
cessful, AND feminine? I couldn't look to my mother for my model.
A product of the Depression and World War II, she was a stay-at-
home Mom (for which I am very grateful - but, to be honest _,
I lacked respect for her quiet achievements of grace and family sur-
vival. But that's another story!). She genuinely enjoyed the domestic
arts of cooking, decorating, sewing, and gardening. Her skills as a
homemaker were outstanding. Her whole life centered on the family.

Not until my Dad became unable to work because of a heart con-

dition, did Mom go to work. He died when I was thirteen and my
mother kept the family going as a single working mom with a job as
a salesperson in a department store. I was the first in our family to go
to college, graduating from Syracuse University in 1969 at the height
of the Flower Child Era.

Back then we thought that we could slough off the old limiting
ideas about women as easily as a snake sheds its skin. We fully
expected to charge off into the adult world and make our dreams a

E3 Ji 0
D Ve1111J 011 Top

reality. The world of ''eq ual pay for equal work" was just around the
corner. We were free, weren't we?

But we d idn 't realize the stranglehold

t hat centuries of cul turnl cond ition ing sti ll
We dcd11't realize the
JtranglehoUJ that centurie.1 had on us. On the surface it looked like we
ofcultural conditionin.g were free, but we weren't.
Jtiff ha:J Oil u.J.
The vision of equality for women advocat-
ed by feminists in the last hal f of the 20th
Century is still far from the everyday reality of most American women.
We are now at the beginning of the 21st Century. We have entered a
new millennium, and yet the way that men and women relate to each
other is not significantly better than it was before.

After several decades of attempting to do it all and have it all, some

women are closer to being paid equitably. More women are in lead-
ership roles in business and politics. But most of us still have the same
problems and complaints about men. Only now t he men expect us to
work full time, bring in the money, take care of the kids, and run the
household too!

In the name of equality, we traded in the last vestiges of respect for

feminine sensibilities. We believed that the way to be equal was to act
like a traditional man.

The fem i"nist movement also affected men,

many of whom are deeply committed to the
!Ve beLi.e11e'J that the way to t raditional mentality, but a growi ng number
be equa.L U>a.1 to act like a
traditional man.
of men are "modern men," striving alongside
feminist women for a more egal itarian world.
And they have lost their way in the unknown
chaos of our changing society, just like women. Trying to do battle in
the workplace under men's rules does nothing but turn women into
tough, hard-boiled, stressed-out pseudo-men. Among other gains,
women are also having more heart attacks and suffering from increased
stress-related diseases.

Eve1ywhere you turn, the media presents images of abrasive

women, ready to cut down any man with a punch, a kick, or a verbal
slash. We've been acting this way for decades now in the mistaken
belief that the only way to get what we want in a male-dominated
society is to adopt male-style tactics of violence and aggression. This
"win or lose" mentality is unnatural for women. When left to our own
devices, we find ways to cooperate with each other and create "win-
win" solutions.

lVlost women who work in the business world competing with men
m traditionally structured hierarchical organizations believe they
have to play by the rules invented by men. The problem is that when
you 've been acting that way all day, it's difficult, if not impossible, to
shift gears in your personal life after work. We come home battle-
weary and exhausted to face the "second-shift" of childcare and
household duties. Have you ever wished you could have a wife?

"Some of LM a.re becomi11g tbe men we wante(} to marnJ."

- Gloria Steinem

ls it any surprise we're having trouble in

our relationships with men? We're trying to
Doing 1:t all ha.J ;i1.1t ahout
behave like them! But both traditional and done uJ in.
modern heterosexual men want to be with a
woman, not another man. They all want to
enjoy their woman's sensuous side. But who has time to relax enough
to feel sexy? Doing it all has just about done us in. Are y ou fed up
enough to consider doing it a different way?
 e Ven.1M On 1i1p

Our CoLlective RootJ

Back in the 1930's, psychoanalyst, Carl Jung, first proposed the
concept of t he "collective unconscious," which means that there is a
common field of human though t to which we a re all connected on a
deep subconscious level. T his co nsciousn ess holds all the stereotyped
beliefs and t houghts of the enti re human species. It influences the
ideas we accept to be true on a deep level. These u nconscious beliefs
are so powerful and pervad ing that we don't even realize they are
operating within us. We simply act on them as being "the truth."

Throughout the ages, human beings thought slavery was an

acceptable practice. The idea was so ingrained in the collective
unconscious that it never occurred to our freedom- loving forefathers
that slavery was wrong. We fi na lly abolished slavery, but the descen-
dants of those freed slaves sti ll suffer from the remnants of those
beliefs. It takes a lo ng time to impress a belief into the collectiv e
unconscious, and a long time to change it once it is established there.

On the surface women have made p rogress. We're able to work in

~GGCiJEU.!JElEltlGl~D just a bout any field we desire. We've made
some strides in getting paid on a more equal
JJ7e.1tem culture 1".I Jtill par with men that do the same work. But
JominateJ hy the 1•alue.1 of
the traJ1'.tio11al man. our Western culture is still dominated by the
val ues of the traditional man.

The Killer Woman

Now we see new images of women being thrust on us by the
media. These ideas are ju st as destructive as t he old ones. They are
simply at the other end of t he spectrum. \Ve've now gone from the
"female= weak and powerless" model to the "female= t ough and vio-
lent" model.

One of the earliest examples is Princess Leia in the very fust Star War<!
movie. She was always putting down the males with a wisecrack or a
 Totally Powe.1f11l an~ 1;,tal~v L<wed ('3
derisive look With her tough-cookie demeanor, she'd grab a weapon and
show the guys how it should be done. But her antics are kindergarten
level compared to what we see in movies and television today.

Later came Thelma and LowJe, the story of two w omen who are fed
up with being used and betrayed by men, and decide to get their
revenge. Their newly discovered power is expressed by robbing
stores and killing. On the run with nothing left to lose, they choose to
drive themselves over a cliff to their own destruction, rather than sur-
render to the pursuing lawmen.

Another kind of "Killer Woman" is the woman who uses her sex-
uality in a cold-blooded, calculating fashion as exemplified by Sharon
Stone's character in BaJtc ln.1tinct. Giving her interrogators a fleeting
glimpse of her private parts completely unnerved the men and thus
accomplished her goal.

In advertising, movies, and TV we see more references to the

leather-clad, stiletto-heeled dominatrix, an image of female sexual
dominance that many men find titillating. But all these concepts of
female power are cliched versions of women acting like men or
women dressing se:x.y for men. There is no pure feminine power there.

The original goal of feminism was to achieve gender equality. ln

his book Killer Woman Bl.ueJ, Benjamin DeMott says, "releasing the
sexes from imprisonment Ln fixed gender roles would mean richer,
more amply imagined lives for all." The way to accomplish this goal
is to accept that both sexes are capable of a full range of emotiona.I
and intellectual expressi.o n. Individuals have differing combinations
of traits and talents, a nd none are the exclusive property of either
men or women.

But our culture finds it too difficult, too challenging, or simply not
profitable enough to present us with images that support gender

E3 ]5 El
e Ven11._1 On Top

equality and flexibility. Instead De.M ott says that in the media "smart,
career-minded, theoretically liberated women are depicted as driven
by rage to scorn and humiliate men."

This may sound discouraging but there is some hope on the hori-
zon. The media has also begun to report on other trends that are hap-
pening now, which show promising signs of a shift in our culture.
About one third of top women executives and CEO's surveyed recent-
ly reported that they had stay-at-home spouses who handled domestic
duties, so they could manage the demands of their careers and stiJ I
have an intact family. ·women are outpacing men when it comes to col-
lege enrollments too. More and more colleges and universities are
finding that over 50 percent of their students are now women.

Chang.i ng our male-dominated culture is a slow process, but an

inevitable one that cannot be stopped. New definitions and models of
women, men, and relationships are being formed right now and you
can be part of this new world.

Which Relationship Fits You?

Single Women
Consider yow·self lucky if you are single right now. Single women
have an advantage because they will be able to magnetize the right
kind of man once they have completed the plan outlined in this book.
If you are already dating a man, you will be able to test him to see if
he is the right kind of man for you. And if he isn't, you 'll have the
courage and the confidence to move on. Do the work to become the
real feminine woman who resides in your heart, and you will attract a
man who has the desire and the a bility to make you deliriously happy.

Married Women
Married women may have a more difficult task ahead of them.
First, you need to determine whether the man you are married to is a

e S6 EJ
 Tatally Pow.:1jit! anJ Tt1taL£y Lt111.W m
keeper. If you love and respect your husband, but have a few issues
that bother you, you certainly don't need to break up your marriage.
If you have small children and your husband is a good father, you cer-
tainly don't want to break up your family. You may have to proceed
slowly i.n developing and exercising your power. One thing is for cer-
tain. If you are making changes within yourself, your relationship
cannot stay the same. And you will not stay the same.

''In oloen time.1 c1acrij'ice<1 were made at the alta1; a

c1utom which ii <1till continued. "
- Helen Rowland, Reflection<I of a Bachel.or Girl, 1909

Maybe your man is a keeper but your mar-

riage has lost that spark and you feel discon-
A woman who iJ
nected from him. Do not try to change your tuuhakahly centere'J
partner; that never works. Just work on in the power of her femininity
yourself. You may be pleasantly surprised at 1'.J a woman who w
irre.Jt".itible to a man.
what happens with your man when you begin
to believe and act differently. A woman who
is unshakably centered in the power of her femininity is a woman who
is irresistible to a man.

Ah1uive Relati0Juhipc1
If you or your children are being physically or verbally abused,
then do whatever it takes to get help and GET OUT! No matter how
bad y ou think being alone could be, you will survive. If you stay, it's
not going to get better; it's only going to get worse.

An abusive man is not worth the dirt under your heel. You will
never be able to build a healthy sense of self-esteem as long as you are
under his influence. Ask God for help and your prayer will be
answered. A better life is waiting for you, but it will not happen until
you make your escape.

El J7 c:J
ED Ve111M On J;ip - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - -- - -

I hope that reading this book wi ll help you find the courage to do
what you must do. There is a better way to live. I pray that you find the
strength to take that first step toward the light. I was physically threat-
ened and abused in one of my marriages and I know how difficult and
frightening it can be to make tbat break. I found the courage with the
help of professional counselors and friends, and I know you can too.

The Path to PoHJer and Love

Now is the time for women to come to the forefront . It's time for
us to discover our true potential and the enormous power we have to
inf1uence the people and the world around us. It's time to change the
balance of power between men and women, and the purpose of this
book is to show you the way.

We have outlined the basic individual problems and cultural influ-

ences that make it d ifficult for men and women to develop good rela-
tionships. Let's start learning how to overcome these difficulties and
develop satisf:ylng relationships. Before we look at a new way of
understanding men (which you'll find in Section Two), we first need
a new way of understanding ourselves as women . That's what Section
One is all about.

The next chapter explores how to find and embrace our fem inine
power. Are you ready to deepen your appreciation of your inborn
Feminine qualities and widen their expression in your life? That's just
what we're going to do next!

C J8 D
 Chapter 2

~mO~~~
P~Pow~

"The ,feat of a woman 'd power i.J ber relationJhip to

her own erotic nature.,,
- Regena Thonuu1ba.u er

~,/Jf. live in a culture that uses sexual images to seJI everything

, fl from music to automobiles. At first glance we appear to be
a sex ually liberated society but we Americans are very conflicted
about sex. We get mixed messages from everywhere. There's more
sex and nudity now on cable TV shows and in the movies than ever
before, a nd more teens are having sex at increasingly younger ages.
However, when it comes to feeling good about our sexual nature and
really enjoying its pleasures, we have a long way to go.

39
CDGc.:JGElCO
m Ve1111.1 011 Top

A Woman'd Power
Every woman has a power within her that no man can match- the
power to create and nourish a new human being with in her womb.
Our menstru<J cycle connects us to the rhythms of Nature, regularly
reminding us that a potential miracle lies within us every month - the
miracle of egg uniting with sperm to create a new life.

This unde niable fact that it is woman who births new life was most
likely the reason that at t he dawn of human history, God was thought
to be female. Our earliest human ancestors saw this miracle happen-
ing before th em and did not know how to explain it. It was natural
that they would want to worship the mysterious and unseen source of
power that was inherent in every female. And it was logical for them
to assume that the great and powerful unseen deity was fe ma le.

Wor.1hiping the Great GooO&M

During the thousands of years that the Great Goddess was wor-
shipped and revered, human beings, both male and female, had very
different attitudes toward sex and reproduction t han we do. Some of
the oldest works of art found on the walls of caves are symbolic of the
female vagina. In fact the very opening of the cave was itself a sym-
bol of the vagina, and going into the depths of the cave to perform
sacred rituals was, for those people, a way of entering into the mys-
tery of life itsel f.

Women had lots of power in those days, but the archaeological evi-
dence shows that they shared power ·with men . lVlost tribes ancl set-
tlements Lived peaceably. The women's power was usuaUy concen-
trated in the temples of the Great Goddess. Tbe temple priestesses
often controll ed much of the land and conducted the business of the
community. In some communities the head priestess or Queen chose
a male to be her main consort for a year or more. \\Then she wanted
a change she simply chose a new consort. The temple women were

D 40 0
free to do as they wished sexually. No one was concerned about who
the father of their children was. Every child was legitimate because
he or she was born of a woman, and property was inherited through
the mother only.

Sex ad R.eligioLU Experience

Rituals in the temples often included sex between the priestesses
and young, virile men as an expression of union with the Great
Goddess. It is hard for us to imagine that sex and pleasure could be
such an integral part of a religious experience. And yet, if we have
any hope of rescuing ourselves and our male-dominated culture &om
the damage that centuries of sexual repression and violence have
done, we must go beyond our cultural programming.

In the last 5,000 years nearly all cultures on earth became male-
dominated. Men used both politics and religion to gain control over
women. Women had to be virgins before marriage and were closely
controlled by their husbands and religious laws for their entire lives
for one basic reason. There was no other way a man could be sure of
the paternity of his sons. f\s all property and power were now hand-
ed down through the father, women were treated like chattel.
Women's power was so feared that the church had to control people's
sex lives with threats of banishment to everlasting hell should they
have sex for any reason other than to procreate. In Chapter 4 we will
explore more fully how male-dominated politics influenced religion to
help bring women under control.

It has taken them thousands of years and untold numbers of laws

and edicts to continue the effort to keep women down. That should be
proof enough for you that we are indeed powerful. Why would they be
so afraid of us if we weren 't! Are you starting to get some idea now of
how much our attitudes and beliefs have been formed by these thou-
sands of' years of oppression? I'm not telling you these things to make

ElJ 41 ('.)
 £D Vim11.1 On 1ilp

you angry or upset. You must understand that you have a lot of uncon-
scious thought to overcome if you are to step into your true power.

Feminine power is something we all have

Feminine power i.f within us simply by virtue of having been
.10111ething we all have within born female. What we need to do to reclaim
u,J Jimply by 11irtue of
it is to peel away the cultural conditioning
ha11i119 been bom female.
and find the truth at the core for ourselves.

Bo'iJylmage
The first obstacle we have to address is body image. Only a tiny
percentage of women come close to meeting the ridiculous standards
of beauty that are foisted on us by the media. The average woman in
the United States is a size 14, not a size 4. To show you how utterly
ridiculous and how insanely deep our disapproval of our own bodies
can go, let me use myself as an example.

In my younger days I was a size six, but always thought my

breasts were too small and my hips and tummy too big. After
menopause my body changed. My waist got thicker, my belly got
larger. I gained weig·ht and my whole body became softer and round-
er. What was happening to me was a perfectly natural and normal
process but I hated it. I am now a size eight and I think I'm fat. ls that
crazy or what? The only good thing I saw in it was that I finally had
some womanly breasts.

Most women who are over 50 like me would kill to be a size eight.
After doing all the research into human history and prehistory while
writing this book, I know better than most how brainwashed we are
about our bodies. And yet that brainwashing is still at work in me,
even though I see it for what it is.

m 42 o
_ _ _ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ _L_
\i1_
1h_
rm~~.IJ Ytmr f-(:111i11i11t; Power 8
Learnin.IJ to Love Your Belly
I knew that if I really wanted to own my feminine power I had to
find a way to stop criticizing my body. I wanted to accept myself as l
am and not try to fit myself into someone else's idea of beauty. The
part of my body that I criticized the most was my belly. I had long
been fascinated by belly dancing but never tried it. Dancing has
always been my favorite form of exercise; I took ballet, jazz, and tap
classes at various times. For years I studied ballroom dancing to the
extent that I even became a professional teacher of ballroom dance.
But now belly dancing beckoned me. I decided I would face square-
ly the part of my body that I had made my enemy and learn to love it.

I started taking belly dance classes and fell madly in love with the
dance. It is truly a womanly art, and it really looks best when the
dancer has some curves and some meat on her bones. This is no
dance for skinny bitches I There -were all sizes and shapes of women
in our class, and I was really impressed with how beautifully many
of them could dance. I went to a Middle Eastern dance convention
where lots of student troupes performed and got my first taste of a
totally new form of belly dance that transformed my life: American
Tribal Belly Dance.

American Trihal Belly Dance

This uniquely American dance form began in San Francisco in the
late 1980's with Carolena N ericcio and her "Fat Chance Belly Dance"
troupe. They developed a style of costuming and a movement vocab-
ulary that is a fusion of many styles from around the world. I bought
one of their videos and sat transfixed as I watched them for the first
time. Decked out in turbans and layers of antique jewelry and textiles
from exotic places like Afghanistan and Pakistan, their el.e gant and
sensuous movements riveted my attention. They danced in sy nchro-
nized mov ement as a group and were utterly mesmerizing to watch.
That did it for me. I went totally Tribal and never looked back.
 &I Jil.1111.1 On Top

The Dance for EvertJ Woman

The more I learned about Tribal, the more I loved it. One of the
best things about the style was that women of every age, shape, and
size could learn the movements and look great doing them. And the
same went for the costumes. Every dancer assembled her own
unique costume from the old and the new, and could adapt any of the
folkloric clothing styles that looked best on her. It is not even neces-
sary to show your belly in this style of dance unless you want to.
Your costume can show as much or as little skin as you are comfort-
able with . .Most of us Tribal babes start out with our torsos covered
and let our costumes evolve to show more as we become more con-
fident in our dance skills and learn to love and accept our womanly
bodies as they are.

American Tribal Belly Dance is not about being overtly sexy or

seductive in the way that we usually think of belly dancing. It is more
about dancing together as a group and making each other look good.
It is certainly sexy too, but in a way that is dignified, sensuous, and
respectful of all that is female. It is improvisational, not choreo-
graphed, so dancers can express themselves spontaneously with the
music. There is a leader whom everyone follows, but the leader role
is constantly changing so each dancer gets a chance to be the leader.

When I learned how it worked, I mar-

veled at what a perfect metaphor this dance
What a perfect metaphor
thiJ dance iJ for the way that is for the way that women naturally relate to
women naturally relate to each other and the w orld. In American
each other and the wor&. Triba.l style there are no individual "stars,"
no hierarchies, and no competitions. Subtle
gestures by the leader cue the dancers to which step comes next. The
leader voluntarily gives up the lead to the next dancer by traveling
smoothly out of the lead position, signaling the whole group to shift
positions as the new leader moves into the lead position. To the casu-
 Embrac1i1.l/ Ytmr Femciuire Power
··--·--·--- - · - · --- - ~
P:;1I

al observer it all seems like magic as if the dancers are reading each
other's minds. What a beautiful expression of teamwork in the femi-
nine style! Most men would fmd it difficult to cope in a group where
the leader role is always in flux, but women revel in it.

Non-competitive
Every other dance style appears to have numerous competitive
events and titles that dancers can aspire to such as "Belly Dancer of
the Universe." So far American Tribal Style has resisted the all-
American (and typically masculine) desire to start a contest to see
who is number one, the champion. There are a number oflarge Tribal
conventions around the country you can attend, but the program con-
sists of dance workshops, performances by Tribal troupes, and shop-
ping in a colorful exotic bazaar of Tribal clothing, jewelry, and music.
Tribal style belly dance teachers are known for their willingness to
freely share steps, patterns, and techniques, rather than jealously
guarding their trade secrets as other dance teachers often do.
Competing for trophies has no meaning for Tribal dancers, and 1 per-
sonally hope it never will.

Belly Power
I love watching women with round, womanly bodies dancing w-ith
such strength and power. Learning this dance has really transformed
my opinion of my body and especially my belly. For women the belly
is the center of our feminine power and when
you can really love and respect that part of
yourself you can then command that love and For ivo11w1 the belly
LJ the center of our j'emim:ne
respect from the rest of the world. In belly power anJ when you call
dancing you learn to isolate different muscles really Love anJ re.1pect that
and different parts of the body so they move part of your.1elj you call then
co11muz1id that Love lllW
independently of each other but always in re.1pect from the rut
rhythm with the music. It is so much fun to of the 1vor/J.
learn. As y ou gain more control over your

E3 45 D
m Vem1.J On 111p

body it gives you an awesome sense of power to be able to move what-

ever part you choose in time to the music and to look good doing it.

When a whole group of women is doing the same movement per-

fectly in sync w ith each other and the music, the dancers and the audi-
ence are transported to another realm. Like a flock of colorful exotic
birds we undulate, spin, and change directions together in perfect
rhythm. You really feel that you and your sister dancers are a tribe.
The music is primal and exotic with lots of drums, percussion, and
strange sounding instruments that make you believe you've been mag-
ically teleported back in time to some ancient nomad encampment.

Few things make you feel more like a Goddess than belly dancing.
Hyou have a secret wish to try it (and a great many women do), don't
wait any longer. Find yourself a class, a Tribal class if possible (but
any belly dance class will do), and get started. Your body will love
you for it and you will learn to love your body.

To stay fit and healthy we all need to mov e and use our bodies on a
regular basis. 1F dancing is .not your thing, maybe there is a sport you
enjoy. Even the simple habit of walking every day bri.ngs you great
benefits. Physical activity is absolutely necessary for every Godd ess,
and it is up to you to find something y ou enjoy and then make it one
of y our top priorities right up there with eating and sleeping.

Ac1king and Receiving

If there's anything that disturbs me about how women act these
days, it's when I see a woman refuse to let a man open a door for her.
How did we go so wrong in our thinking that we believe we shouldn't
allow men to help us? \Ve bave to teach our daughters and ourselves
that it is essential to be respected by men, and to give them every
opportunity to show tbeir respect in daily life. The good men of the
world love to show the i1· respect by helping and serving us. We do
them and ourselves a great disservice when we refuse to allow them

c 46 El
to make these gestures of respect. Allowing a man to open a door, pay
for your drink or di_nner, move a heavy box for you, and help y ou in
every way possible is enjoyable for him. You DBDBE;G9S~El£U.'.J
are not obligated to do anything in return but
How dw we go JO wrong
be polite and appreciative. That's enough for
i11 oar thinking that we
a good man. He loves feeling useful and your believe we .1hollldn't
gracious smile of appreciation is all the pay- allow men to help tW?
ment he needs.

When you allow a per fect stranger to do a little thing Like hold the
door open for you, it makes you feel respected as a representative of
the female gender. If men are not voluntarily offering these little
respectful gestures to you, then you need to adjust your attitude.
When you become connected to your feminine power and have a
deep knowing that you are worthy of respect just because you are a
woman, men pick up on your attitude on an unconscious level and
treat you with respect.

Woman~ Divine Purpo<1e

When yoll a.1k for help from
Asking for help is another thing many a 11u11i it doun't meall you
women are relucta nt to do. When you ask for are helplu.1. It mea1u you
help from a man it doesn't mean you are help- w1Jert1ta11J the mal.e need
to be helpful.
less. It means y ou understand the male need
to be helpful. We women have an advantage
over men in that we are born with a divine purpose w oven right into
our identity as a fe male. If we do nothing else in life but bear a child
and be a good mother to that child, we have fulfilled the divine prom-
ise of being born female.

A Man NeedcJ a Purpo<1e

The male is not so lucky. He does not have Jlllale.1 need femalu
the luxury of having such a n obvious destiny. to gi11e them a JellJe of
pllrpo.1e and direction.
He has to find a purpose for himself and fol-

a 41 8
 e Vmw 011 Top

fill it through his own efforts. Haven't y ou noticed how single males
often seem to be lost puppies without a direction in life and no idea of
how to get one? Males need females to give them a sense of purpose
and direction. They are so much happier when they have a woman to
please and are shown just how to p lease her. It sets up a cycle where
the man is able to feel successful. A man has all kinds of wonderful
talents and abilities, but without a woman to
help focus his energies toward worthwhile
A ma1z love.J having goals, he flounders .
a clearZv 'Jefinahle mw.1ion
to fulfill
So when you ask a man for help, y ou are
doing him a favor. You are giving him a spe-
cific task that he knows he can do. A man loves having a clearly defin-
able mission to fulfill. When it's done, he's a hero and all he craves in
return is your appreciation for his efforts.

If you haven't discovered this little secret

Feminine power
i.J all ahout heing able to yet, you have been working way too hard by
comnumicate an'J receive trying to do everything yourself. Let a man
ivbat yoIL want an'J neeJ from help you! Feminine power is all about being
a man, a.nu hut.owing your
.1u1cere appreciatwn on bim able to communicate and receive what you
in return. want and need from a man, and bestowing
your sincere appreciation on him in return.

Earth Mother.1 and Star Women

There are two basic female personality types. One is the Earth
Mother, the nurturer, who is predominantly focused on caring and
growing. The other is the Star Woman, the leader, who is predomi-
nantly focused on envisioning the future and inspiring others. They
have different strengths and weaknesses, which will be covered thor-
oughly in the next chapter.
Feminine Power for Earth Mother.J
Earth Mothers may have an easier time identifying with their fem-
inine power. They know they have the power to bring forth children
and to nurture and guide them into adulthood. They are often less
than thrilled when they find out that their adult husband needs simi-
lar nurturing and guidance too. I 'm sure y ou've heard y our women
friends complain that managing their husband is too much like hav-
ing another child in the family.

If a woman perceives her husband this way, he seems like a bur-

den. The t ruly wise and powerful woman sees her husband as a bun-
dle of energy and potential who just needs direction.

A woman of integrity who has a sense of purpose larger than her-

self can influence her man to direct his energy in ways that are good
for the family, the nation, and the planet. This is the challenge for
Earth Mothers. You may not want to take the reins of leadership in
your relationship as fully as a Star Woman might, but you should not
abdicate establishing the standards and values in your family and
insisting that everyone live up to them.

'/.! man J wife ha.1 more power a11er him than the
.1tate ha.t."
- Ralph Waldo Emer.1on

Your husband probably enjoys being the

family strategist and planning how and when
The truly wi.Je and poweiful
things are to be done. It's fine to let him do womall ,1ee.1 her lmJband a,1 a
that, but you must be sure that you have bwuHe of merf!lJ a11'd
exercised your influence in establishing the potential who ju.1t need.I
'direction.
goal for him in the first place. Does he put
too much energy and t ime into work whi.le
neglecting to spend enough energy and time on you and the children?
This is the kind of issue where your influence is critical. This is wben

c 49 s
 £D Ve11wU11 Top
you use your feminine power to steer him in the direction y ou know
is best for your family.

Be tbe Spiritual Compa.u

.Every woman has the right and the obligation to be the spiritual
compass fo1· her family. Problems arise when
QC]£312JQ8~GEM:l9G you start out a marriage without a clear idea
of what your values are or when your values
E11ery woman ba.J the
right and the obligatum change over time. A man who is used to y ou
to be the <1piritual comptLJJ just going along with his program is likely to
for her family. get upset w hen y ou develop a backbone and
a mind of your own.

Value.1 Count
It is so much easier if you wait long enough to really develop your
own personal sense of values and integrity before you get married.
When those values are fu-mly established in your mind and heart you
will attract a partner who has similar values. If you see that a potential
mate has values that are not a match for yours you will have the strength
to walk away from that relationship knowing that it cannot work.

l.t 's more difficult fo r a husba nd to adjust to the fact that you have
suddenly discovered your power; you now know what is important to
you and are no longer willing to blindly follow his lead. If he loves
you enough, he wal mal<.e the adjustment and start respecting your
opinions and accepting your influence. If he won't, you are faced with
a tough choice - stay and live with the tension and conflict, or leave
aod face the difficulties of breaking up your family and starting over.
N either one is a great choice, but finding our way through situations
like this is what makes us grow. One thing is for certain. When a
woman who has been too much of a doormat discovers and embraces
her power, her relationship with her man must inevitably change.

D 50 El
 Embracing J'lmr Pe1ni11ine Power Ea
Feminine Power/or Star Women
For Star Women the issue of finding our feminine power is a little
more complex. We are born to lead, but our role models for leader-
ship are mostly men (or women who act G.ke men) . We have to learn
to dig down and fLnd the female wisdom and ElDeDEIGElS!!c:JElt:
power at our core, the n develop ways of
expressing that power that allow us to be our Leader.1hip andJenuninity
are not nuttual~y e:xcfu4i11e
true feminine selves. Leadership and femi - qualitieJ.
ninity are not mutually exclusive qualities.

\Ve can and should put the male strategies we learned in the work-
place on the back burner, bringing them out only when absolutely
necessary. lt is much more effective to come from the quiet but enor-
mous reservoir of strength and wisdom that is at our center. When
you have your own set of values and priorities clearly established in
y our mind, the people around you tend to respect and abide by your
standards. You have to be like a rock rooted deeply in the earth.
Nothing can sway you from what you know is right, and you expect
proper conduct &om the people around you.

Let us stop Fighting and struggling to

crawl up the male hierarchies so prevalent in
ChangeJ in our .1ociety and
business and government. We can step away in the worUJ 111ill 11ot happen
from that battlefield a nd set up our own busi- /,y the power of might, but by
nesses and networks to accomplish the things the power of right thinking b),
e11.ough i11Jividuall.
that are important to us. Instead of trying to
capture the t itles and t he power all the men
are vying for, we simply need to use our feminine power and influence
on the men who hold the titles and the power. Changes in our socie-
ty and in the world will not happen by the power of might, but by the
power of right thinking by enough individuals.

c 51 []
 e v.~1111.1 On Ibp

Star Women need to pay more attention to being rather than doing
in their quest for feminine power. Let others, especially your man,
take care of the doing part. Let the intuitive, deep, spiritual wisdom
at your center radiate, and you will be truly
unstoppable. Let us be like the priestesses
Let the intuitive, deep, and queens of prehistoric times. Our wis-
.1pirit11al wiiiJom at your
dom and influence is what is needed in the
center raJiate, anJ you 1vill
be truly wutoppable. world right now. We have only to connect
with it on a deep level.

Star Women are usually self-confident people who are not afraid
to hold opinions that differ from the mainstream. They a.re able to
withstand disapproval from other people, and have developed the
strength to follow their own dreams. The danger for Star Women is
that if all th.is self-confidence is not tempered with compassion, it can
turn into arrogance. That is why it is so important for Star Women to
find and integrate their feminine power into their already powerful
personalities. When the yang (masculine) qualities of leadership and
vision are balanced with the yin (feminine) qualities of compassion
and nurturing, the result is a compelling combination that can truly
inspire others to action.

Nurture Your SetUtWIU Side

Both Star Women and Earth Mothers alike need to take time to nur-
ture themselves and enjoy the sensuous side of the feminine. Giving
ourselves the time and attention we need to look and feel beautiful is
not mere self-indulgence. It is a necessity in
order for us to stay grounded in our feminine
We have to finJ our 111ay hack
power. Sensual pleasure and sexual satisfac-
to the h(qhe.1t value.1 of our
ancient JuterJ, who.1e tion are meant to be as natural as breathing.
womallly bodie.1 and femi11uze We have to find our way back to the highest
po111er were re.1pected a11d
values of our ancient sisters, whose womanly
revered by all.
bodies and feminine power were respected

£3 52 El
 Em!m1C1il,tJ .Yl111r Fcn11iui1e Power B
and revered by all. I enjoy being the queen of my household and my
husband enjoys being the queen's consort. That's a much sexier role
than the conventional role of husband, don't you think?

A number of good books are available on the subject of getting in

touch with our feminine power, and my favorites are listed in the bib-
liography. I encourage you to explore your own feminine nature in
whatever way appeals to you. There are many avenues and approach-
es that can help you connect to your feminine power, but you need to
experiment to find the right way for you.

The Modern Godde&1

The Great Goddess may be an ancient echo in the collective
unconscious of the human race, but her legacy still lives in every
woman. Our goal is not to try to recapture the past, but to go for-
ward and create a new model for women - the "Modern Goddess."
The 20th century ushered in the modern era of more freedom and
more rights for women. Another big push came in the 1960's and
1970's with the "Women's Liberation" movement, which helped to
open up more opportunities for women to work in previously male-
dominated fields.

We focused so intently on getting money and position and things

that we lost sight of what it really means to be female. We forgot that
men are meant to serve us. We forgot how to be gracious and serene.
That is why, now that we have entered the 21st century and the next
millennium, it's time for us to take another leap forward and become
proud examples of the truly Modern Goddess. Cultivating the prop-
er Goddess attitude naturally attracts good into your life. Struggle
becomes a thing of the past. With the right attitude you can harness
the flow of good that is your God-given right and ride it gracefully
toward your desires.

E3 55 EJ
 m Ve1111.1 011 Top

''Life iJ a banquet, a/ld 11Wdt poor dttckeN are .Jtarving

to death"
-Auntie Mame

The Four Pillart1

The four pillars of the Modern Goddess are the foundation on
which your new life is built. .As you create and cultivate the four piJ-
lars in yourself, your life begins to move and change in magical and
mysterious ways. To be a woman is to be an earthbound vessel for the
EUUm@GtiJ~t;JEGSEl unseen power that is the true nature of our
reality. That power is meant to be honored
To be a woman 14 to he a11. and cherished, as is every woman on this
earthbound ve.1Jel for the
u11Jeett power that i..1 the true
planet. The Four Pillars give us some simple
nature of our reality. guidelines for remembering how beautiful
and special each one of us is.

Pillar I: Never Rush.

.A Goddess has ti.me for everything that is important to her. She
stays calm and relaxed. If you are stressed out and harried, stop and
take a deep breath. You always have aU the time you need if you
believe you do. Learn how to say no. Don't over-commit yourself
Live life at your own pace.

Pillar II: Never Worry.

.A Goddess knows that she always has everything she needs.
Worry is needlessly borrowing: trouble from the future. She knows
that things always have a way of working themselves out if we allow
them to. She has a deep and abiding faith that God is her source and
she always bas enough.

Pillar III: Receive Graciously.

A Goddess graciously receives all gifts and compliments with a
simple, "thank you." She never belittles or criticizes herself or her
accomplishments. When someone wants to give you something or

~ 54 0
 Emfmtcit~IJ l't111r feminine Power ~

help you, accept the gift with a smile. A Goddess always remembers
that allowing men to assist and serve her is the gift she gives to them.

Pillar IV: Appreciate Continually.

Accept and appreciate all the good that comes to you, especially the
little things. Whatever you appreciate increases. Make it a habit to say,
"how usual!" whenever something good happens to you. The more you
express your gratitude, the more good the universe sends your way.

Today these Four Pillars are the foundation of my everyday life.

They are all ingrained in me as habits of thinking and action. Not only
do they make daily living a joy, they also make it possible to attract a
great man who thinks the same way. It should be no surprise to you
that my husband has these very same habits and beliefs.

How U.mal
Most people react to something good happening to them as an out-
of-the-ordinary event. 1-Iow often have you said, "I don't believe it!"
or, "that's amazing!" when you receive a delightful surprise. Words
and thoughts have great power, so if your words convey to the uni-
verse that this is an unusual occurrence, it wi~U comply. Your subcon-
scious will make sure that "it's amazing" that anything good ever hap-
pens to you.

In our house we have adopted a more positive way of responding.

My husband and I love to exclaim (often in unison), "how usual!"
whenever something good happens to either of us whether it is a
parking spot, a good news phone caU, or a nice fat check in the mail.
Receiving good is "how usual" in our life because we are in the habit
of mentally creating it. Why not get into the "how usual!" habit your-
self. Let the universe know that receiving good is a regular, everyday
thing for you, too. "How usual!"

£30£3D£30£3El

E3 55 ('.)
m Ve1111t1 011 Top

The path to a happier life as a woman starts with discovering,

accepting, and embracing yow· own feminine power. Remember the
Four Pillars of the Modern Goddess and adopt those attitudes as
your own. Do that and you will begin to see changes in how you feel
about yourself and how others treat you .

The first step on this path is in the neA.'i: chapter where you will dis-
cover your personal identifying archetype. We begin by exploring the
two basic types of female personalities: Star Woman and Earth Mother.
Vlhich one are y ou and how does that affect your relationships?

9 56 t:::l
 Chapter 3

f2' •he Native American tribes of the Southwest treasure and hand
down many legends and stories about Corn Mother and
Rainbow Woman. Corn Mother symbolizes the nurturing aspect of
womanhood, the part that grows and cares for life. Corn was the sta-
ple of their diet-and it was a revered symbol of life. Rainbow
Woman symbolizes the leader, visionary, and idealist who inspires
others to action.

These beautiful and inspiring jroages of womanhood can help us

understand our own natures. Images like these are called archetypes,
which means they are an ideal example or model. In the psychologi-
cal theories of Carl Jung, an archetype is an inherited memory rep-
resented in the mind by a universal symbol and observed in dreams
and myths. To make these two concepts more easily understood in

57
~G)~~~tJ~El
IJ Venw 011 Tap
our contemporary Western culture, I shall call them Earth Mother
and Star Woman. We already hold t he image of Earth Mot her in our
race consciousness. The Native Americans who originated this con-
cept estimate that 80 percen t of American women would likely con-
sider themselves predominantly Earth Mothers, and have this nur-
turing imperative as the driving force in their personalities. The other
20 percent are the Star vVomen who are natural born leaders, who are
more d riven to set and accompLsh goals, a nd who persuade and
inspire others .

"Anyone who think.I women are the weaker t1e..i:. ha.1 1te11er
met my w~e. ,,
:~

~ Ozz y 0.1bourne

All women have both Earth Mother and Star Woman aspects in
their personalities in differing, not equal, amounts. One aspect is
always stronger than the other. The stronger part is the personality
type witb which we most identify. This is the face we present to the
world and this is how we approach everyd ay living; however, when
the situation requires it, we can call forth the other p art to help us.

Shifting Identitied
Some women retain their primary identity as an Earth Mother or
Star Woman for their entire lives. O thers shift their primary identity
from one to the other (and sometimes back again) according to their
circumstances and priorities during particular periods of their lives.
T hese days we increasingly hear about women who spend their
younger adult y ears avidly pursuing career goals until they have a
child. Then they realize that no corporate version of the "mommy
track" is going to be an acceptable alternative to raising th eir child
themselves during his or her formative years. They change their pri-
orities, t hrow off the Star Wom an mantle, and wholeheartedly
embrace the role of Earth Mother. Parenti ng t heir child becomes
m or e important than any outside-the-home career.

a 58 G
 Slnr IV<1111e11 an"J Earth Afo/'bet'J Ea
On the other hand, you probably know at least one woman who was
a devoted mother until her children grew up and left the nest. Then she
started a business, took up some artistic pursuit, or assumed a commu-
nity leadership posjtion with great energy and focus, surprising her
family and creating a whole new role for herself, in addition to her role
as mother. The female sex is outstanding in our ability to adapt to
changes in circumstances by being flexible in the roles we play.

The Earth Mother

For the Earth Mother woman, giving comes as easily and as natu-
rally as breathing. It is in her nature to give. She loves doing for oth-
ers, especially her husband and children. She's the one who brings the
most delicious casserole to the potluck. She's quick with a hug for a
crying child. She notices if you're feeling down and tries to cheer you
up. She loves being a mother and strives to be the best mother she can
be. She derives great satisfaction from selflessly serving and helping
other people, and usually doesn 't require that a great deal of fuss be
made over her contributions. The power and leadership abilities of
the Earth Mother are directed toward others, especially in service to
her immediate family. Thank goodness that a great majority of
women are strong Earth Mothers. We need the nurturing, sustainillg
energy these women bring to the world. They are the ones who grow,
attend to, and care for the people and environment around them, for
their families, and for their communities.

The Star Woman

In many Native American tribes, women leaders were called
Rainbow Women and were highly respected. They were recognized as
potential Rainbow Women early in their lives and groomed to be lead-
ers and shamans for their people. Our culture is less enlightened. We
seldom recognize or encourage the leadership gifts of our girls in the
same way. We have no respectful title like &uiibow ~mzan in our cul-
ture for female leaders, so let us crown her with one: Star Woman.
&I Venu.J On Top

The Star Woman is generally possessed of talents and skills that

desire interaction and recognition in the outer world. She tends to be
more oriented toward self and intent on finding ways to express her
gifts and gain approval or status. It is her nature to lead and inspire
others to follow her cause. She sees the big picture and wants to have
an effect on it. To others she can appear self-centered at times because
she is so focused on her goal

Star Women often fee l they are destined for greatness if they can
just find the right way to use their talent and leadership abilities.
They are ambitious dreamers who long to make their mark on the
world someday. While they can be excellent mothers, they also need
to find some success and applause in the world outside of the family,
in order to feel truly satisfied with their lives.

"In politic.1, if you want anything <1aiiJ, tUk a man; if

yoll want anything done, a.1k a woman."
- Margaret Thatcher

The Little Star ChiliJ

I always knew I was meant to be a visionary leader. In fact one of
my earliest memories is deciding, at age three, to lead a parade
around the block. I was playing in the backy ard alone at t he time and
wasn't allowed to go out of the yard, but I never let petty, little
details and stupid rules stop me (and still don't!). So I found a stick
and bad my parade all by myself, proudly strutting my stuff just like
Robert Preston in The JJ!fllJic !Wan. With cars honking and people
smiling and waving at me, I had a grand time and made it complete-
ly around the e ntire block without a mishap. My mother never knew
about tbi.s little adventure of mine (until she reads this!). Even as a
tiny child, my leadershi.p potential and Star Woman nature burst
forth into expression .

e 60 r:J
 _ _ _ _ __ _ _ __ _ _ __S1_ar lll't:•111.-11 t11uJ &1rth 111other.J [i]
Earth 11'/otber LeaJertJbip
Until quite recently in modern history, women's opporturutles
were culturally ljmited. So, unless she was prepared to flght against
prevailing customs, the best way that a woman cou Id express her Star
Woman aspect was to become the matriarch and leader of her family.
My feisty grandmother was one of these. She was the General, Drill
Sergeant, and CFO (Chief Financial O fficer) all roUed into one. In
her home her word was law. My ten aunts and uncles and my
Grandpa had to toe the line - or else! When things were going well,
she tended to be somewhat moody and unpredictable. H er hot tem-
per was legendary in the family. I think she was trying to cover up
and ignore an underlying sense of frustration at her lot in ]jfe.

During her childhood her immigrant family was so poor that she
was forced to quit school after 8th grade and go to work. She married
before she was 20 and started having babies. Being a good Catholic,
she kept on having babies. As a chjld she had dreamed of being a
nurse, but was never able to realize that dream.

S he was essentially an Earth Mother who concerned herself exclu-

sive ly with every aspect of family life. Witl1 ten children to raise dur-
ing the Great Depression of the 1930's, she bad plenty with which to
be concerned. My grandfather was a truck driver who was away
from home for long stretches at a time. Her heart was so big that not
only did she raise her own ten children, she also took in three foster
ch ildren! Running that household and feedjng all those children on a
shoestring budget required i.ncredible leadership, fortitude, and
stra.tegic planning skills that any military officer would admire.

When there was a big problem or crisis, my g randmother, Nonnie,

was at her best. She would organize her resources, rally the troops,
and sally forth to save the day. I remember when my little brother's
tonsils were removed. He came home from the hospital and seemed

~ 61 r::J
9 Ve11u.1 011 Top

to be recovering just fine on his first day at home. On the second day
he started hemorrhaging and we all panicked. My Mom called
Nonnie, who lived a block away. Nonnie ran straight through our
neighbor's yard and somehow hopped over their tall fence into our
backyard - flowered dress, apron, and all! She arrived at our house
in a flash and immediately took over. She always knew just what to
do, no matter what the problem. We always knew we could count on
her when the chips were down.

Nonnie was my hero. She pushed me to go to college and become

whatever I wanted to be. And she encouraged me to bypass having
children. My Nonnie could surely have been a great businesswoman
or community leader, in addition to caring for her family, if she had
had access to the education and opportunities (and birth control!)
women have today.

Female Per<101zality Wheel

The Female Personality Wheel on the next page organizes t he
characteristics of these two types of personalities. You will probably
easily recognize the archetype you most identify with. All four of the
archetypes within the wheel are present within every woman, but at
any given moment our actions and attitudes tend to reflect strongly
just one of the four.

Earth Mothers emphasize the traits that are thought of as feminine

in our society.

Star Women exhibit many traits t hat we thjnk of as masculine.

These opposite poles are called yill (feminine) and yang (mascu-
line) in Eastern t hought. The Star Woman has more yang in her than
the Earth Mother, and those yang qualities are not often appreciated
or encouraged in our modern women.

D 62 C!l
 Star fl7i1111e11 am) Earth !Yloth~r.1 fa

The Light Side

Earth Mother Star Woman
Nurturer Leader
Protector Visionary
Receptive Active
Comforting Inspiring
Soft Energy Hard Energy
Ym Yang

The Shadow Side

Volcano Woman. Craz.y lf701ruzn
Over-Controlling Out-Of-Control
Destructive Energy Scattered Energy

Female Personality 'Wheel

Each of the two basic female types has an opposing shadow side.
Native Americans characterize the shadow aspect of Earth Mother as
a destroyer. Volcano Woman is our name for this archetype. Volcano
energy is hidden beneath the Earth's surface until it is released to
cause destruction. Volcano Woman undermines growth; she can
destroy eve1}rt:hing that Earth Mother has created and nurtured.

If an Earth Mother is u naware or refuses to entertain the thought

that she could be anythjng but sweet and motherly, the Volcano
Woman shadow side is free to work in secret behind the scene. For
example, a woman can become an overprotective, smothering moth-
er who ruins her children under the guise of being loving. Volcano
 £3 llm11.1O_
n _Tt-tJP
'- _ _ _ _ - - - - -- -- -

Woman is the controll ing mother who will not let her children grow
up; the gossip who spreads rumors that hurt others; or the critical
wife w ho undermines her husband's masculinity. Volcano Woman is
protective energy taken to the extreme.

Crazy Wom an
The shadow side of Star Woman is Crazy Woman. She's out of con-
trol, her energy scattered, her emotions overblown. We all have seen
Crazy Woman in action. She's the one who creates all that insane
drama in your life. She can explode in anger from pent-up Frustrations
of which she is not even aware. If the Crazy Woman is repressed and
never allowed to be spontaneous, she is free to work in the background .
She will express herself ustng your everyday life as her canvas wit h d is-
astrous results. Crazy Woman is creative energy gone aw ry.

Separation and Integration

We live in a world of duality. We need the contrast of opposites in
order to distinguish d ifferences. We can't understand what light is
unless we compare it to dark. Our world is buil t on opposite poles: up
and down, right and left, male and female. The reaso n we experience
separateness is that we cannot appreciate togetherness unless we
know its opposite. So we a re born into an ex perience of being sepa-
rated - separate from God and separate from others.

O ur assignment here in earth school is to integrate the separate

parts of' us and regain awareness of our oneness with all lif'e. As you
comOE:3c:JCD£:3r:::Jmr:::J seek to become a whole person who k nows
all of him or herself - the shadow side and
Our tu,1~91wte11l here the light side - your task is to become a per-
iti earth Jchool 1:1 to i11tegrate
the <1eparate part.J of 1u and son w ho is not afraid to bring those aspects
regain awarenuJ of our out of the shadow and dan ce with them.
01un e..JJ with all life.

a 64 G
 Star Ui'o11u11 and &1rth il1othe1<1 [!]
When y ou choose to become conscious of
your shadow aspects, t hey can no longer hide lflhen. yoJL chooJe to become
and express themselves without your knowl- co11.1cto11..1 of your .1ha'Jow
edge. You no longer deny their existence. a.1pect.1, tbelJ can no l.onger
hiue and ~-cpre.1J them.1el11e.1
Make friends with your shadow side, and you without your k1w111!.edge.
can harness that energy selectively. You can
consciously choose to express the shadow
aspect when it is appropriate. For example, if someone thr eatens your
ch ildren, you call out Volcano Woman to defend them fiercely and, if
necessary, destroy the threat. If you want to be creative, you bring
Crazy Woman out to play, sing, dance, or paint, and to express your
feelings in a creative, constru ctive way.

You ar e a unique and w onderful combination of all four of these

feminine aspects. Get to know and work with all parts of you. When
y ou become conscious of the shadow aspects of you r personality, they
are exposed to the Light of your awareness, a nd you no longer expend
emotional energy t o keep them hidden and repressed. You become
more openly diverse and have more innate talents at your command.

We have few well-known models of women who are truly respect-

ed and admired for exhibiting all the positive qualities of the Star
Woman. Some men have an unconscious fear of Star Women, espe-
cially men who lack confidence in their own masculinity. To witness
a woman who is a better leader than he, can make that kind of man
even more insecure (we'll discuss types of men in a later chapter) .
Our modern culture bas n ever before had a positive name for this
kind of w oman, although we have a number of negative terms that
she is often called: bitch , ball-buster, battle-axe, etc.

"We .:1till think of a powetful man cu a leaiJer and a

po1Verful IVOman aJ an anomaly."
.-il!/ar_9aret Atwood

£'.3 65 0
 When I first learned about Rainbow Women, the w hole concept of
natural femin ine leadership resonated as trut h deep within my soul. I
recognized myself in her image and was delighted to have a positive
way to refe r to myself. When I talk to w omen friends about this siln-
ple concept, everyone can immediately identil)r with either Earth
l\tlot her or Star Woman as their dominant personality archetype.

This book is written for both Star Women and Earth Mothers who
are balancing their innate talents with their roles in life. Strong women
no longer have to think of themselves as
GGmoaGDc=Jec:JElO
anomalies (something that deviates from the
We can c1top pretenJi119 norm, something strange and difficult to clas-
to he l.ec1c1 than our true c1elve.1
sil)r). We can stop try ing to hide our gifts. We
anfJ be proud of all that we
reaLly are. can stop pretending to be less than our true
selves and be proud of all that w e really are.

Strong Star Women archetypes are in the minority among the gen-
eral population. Only about one in five women are Star Woman lead-
ers and th.is is probably a good balance. We a re all leaders in specific
spheres of life, and we need people to fo llow us I

S tar Women need to identil)r themselves as such and accept the

fa.ct tbat they may be a little short in t he nurturing and empathy
departments. T hey have to make an effort to develop their Earth
Mother talents . A large part of the Star Woman's energy is masculine
and action-oriented, and without some softer, more receptive femi-
nine energy to balance it, this talented, energetic woman can come
across as cold or standoffish.

A woman who projects this kind of persona is often mystified by

her lack of success with men. She will complain, "Men just don't
know how to handle a strong woman." An emotioncJly mature man is
attracted to a woman's softer, more feminine qualities such as kind-

e3 66 D
 St,1r Women an"J Earth 1/tfother.• m
ness and compassion. WhiJe he may admire and initially be attracted
to her intelligence, toughness, or talent, those qualities don't make a
connection to his heart. He is looking for that heart connection and a
woman who has lost or rejected her connection to her own heart can-
not connect with his. That is why it is so important that a Star
Woman find the Earth Mother part of herself. When her personality
is better balanced, she can let her softer side show, and thus become
attractive to the kind of man she wants to attract.

Conversely, a woman who is heavily identiEed with the Earth

Mother, but out of touch with her Star Woman is in danger of becom-
ing too much of a people pleaser. Constantly looking outside herself
for approval from others makes her seem weak and insecure. Often
she has trouble saying, "no" to others' unreasonable requests because
she is afraid of their disapproval. She is easy prey for a domineering
man wbo is more than happy to run her life for her. This woman
needs to develop her Star Woman aspect to give her the ability to
stand up for herself. As she becomes better balanced, she can protect
herself from those who would take advantage of her generous and
giving nature.

Maternal? Not me!

My mother used to worry about me when I was growing up
beca use I had no interest in chi ldren or motherhood, and little appar-
ent talent for nurturing. My favorite toys were building blocks, not
dolls. Nly lack in these areas was especially evident when we visited
my Dad's Italian side of the family on Sundays. Family was the most
important thing to them. Every son and daughter (all ten of them)
was expected to bring their spouse and children every single Sunday
to Grandma and Grandpa's house to check in and show their
respects. Serious illness and death were about the only acceptable
excuses for not showing up.
E Ven11.1 011 T11p

In such a big family, one or more of my aunties was always preg-

nant and a baby was always on the scene. I was the oldest female
grandchild, but my younger cousins had much more interest in babies
than me. They would be t hrilled when an aunt handed t hem her lat-
est bundle of joy, and let them hold and cuddle the baby . My aunts
would push the baby into my arms. I'd hold it awkwardly out in fro nt
of me, hoping and praying that I wouldn't drop the lit tle creature. I
had no idea what to do with a baby and no interest in finding out.
Cuddling was not in my vocabulary. I'd just hand the baby off to one
of my cousins and run out to play. I know this embarrassed my par-
ents. What kind of Italian girl doesn't love babies? The Star Woman
kind, that's who!

I was repulsed by the idea of having ch ildren . It looked like way

too much drudgery and responsibility to me. My Nonnie (grand-
mother on my mother's side) sometimes took me on her neighborhood
rounds w hen she w ould help young mothers w ho were struggling
with thei r 1.ittle ones. They all seemed so miserable and worn out. She
would charge in there, change diapers, clean up their kids and their
kitchens, and get their laundry going. By the time Nonnie was done,
those women had regained some hope of making it through another
day. They were so grateful for my grandmother 's visits.

This is a great example of how an Earth Mother uses her power

and leadership abilities. She sees a need (especially where chjldren
are concerned) and takes the initiative to change the situation.
Nonnie's strength and energy were a shining example to t hose y oung
mothers. She was a model of how to combine heartfelt caring with a
no-nonsense, practical way of helping others. She never belittled
them for t heir failings. She simply lent t hem her strength and showed
them t he way.

E9 68 0
 Star lli't111u11 and Earth 1lfother,1 [!']
One day we went to see a woman who had four kjds all under five
years old. The smell of dirty diapers in that house was unbelievable.
It was a scene right out of a Victor Hugo novel - crying babies, dirty
diapers, messy house, and that poor mother just sitting in despair on
the floor in the middle of it all, shell-shocked and unable to move.
That picture of motherhood was burned into my psyche forever. I
decided I would never let myself end up like that.

As a young adult, my relationships with men were volatile and

unstable, mostly because I was so self-centered. I knew that if 1 mar-
ried and had kids, I was going to end up divorced and struggling to
rear those kids on my own. So I chose not to have children. My moth-
er would have liked grandchildren, but it was not to be.

Looking for Earth Mother

When 1 was in my late thirties, I started doing some soul-search-
ing and realized that I needed to find the softer, nurturing side of
myself. Now I understand that I was looking for the Earth Mother
part of me.

I volunteered to be a Big Sister and that was a great experience. I

was matched up with a beautiful, smart little seven-year-old girl and
we got together every week. Sometimes we would go to a museum or
a play. Other times we would just hang out at my home and do arts
and crafts projects or dance. I really enjoyed being with her and giv-
ing her experiences that expanded her horizons.

My mother came out to visit me in California and met my little sis-

ter. She was so relieved to see that I did have mothering instincts after
all, and she was proud of the way I nurtured and doted on that little
girl. Although my dominant personality is definitely that of a Star
Woman, acknowledging and expressing the Earth Mother in me
helped me develop into a much better balanced, more loving, and
more lovable person.

E3 69 G
 e llen11.1 011 Top

If you identify primarily with the Earth M other image, it means

your dominant energy is different from that of a Star Woman. You
may not want or need to be as much of an outspoken leader in your
marriage as a Star \Voman might. However,
~c:J~[J~DDt::lDr:JEU:l you r Star Woman qualities can undoubted ly
Every wonuui help you exert a tremendous influence over
needJ to uJe ea.eh facet y our family. Every woman is a unique com-
of her per.Jona.lily in an
bination of all the feminine archetypes we
appropr1:a te way to achie1•e
the level of leaoerJhip are discussing here. And every woman needs
that Jhe ouireJ in to use each facet of her personality in an
her houJehold.
appropriate way to achieve the level of lead-
ership that she desires in her household.

Wome n have endless opportunities to affect the integrity, aware-

ness, and val.ues held by their hu sband and children. To do that with
integrity a nd effectiveness requires th at you develop your con scious-
ness and awaken to y our feminine power. Consciousness is w h at
changes th e world . Earth Mothers are every bit as powerful as their
sister Star Women. The world needs Earth Mothers' power as weU as
that of Star Women, to help shape a balanced culture that both cares
and achieves.

A Star ·w oman is a natural leader who usually ends up being t he

leader in her home as well as in her community. Until she learns how
to lead her man gently and graceC:ully, she may just attempt to run
roughshod over him and end up in a power struggle. She needs to
learn how to handle her man ·with more compassion and sensitivity, so
he will be happy and eager to provide the support she needs from him .

Because an Earth Mother often prefers not to engage in head-to-

head battles with her partner, she may Find herself giving i_n on impor-
tant issues just to keep the peace. Sbe needs to find her inner center
of power so she will have the will a nd emotional strength to see that
her partner takes her needs and opi nions seriously.

G 70 t:l
 St_m_· IW0111(11 1/f/J &rth llft'lber«
- - - - - -- -- - - - - _ _ _ __ _ D
A Balancing Act
A great many of us are born with a strong proclivity to either the
Earth Mother or Star Woman archetype, and remain predominantly
that type throughout the years. Others shift the emphasis in response
to the ups and downs of life. As part of the maturing process, a
woman usuaUy discovers and accepts all parts of her nature and finds
a comfortable balance suited to her personality. P ri ncess Diana is a
great example of this grov.ring and balancing process. As her Life was
played out on the public stage, she underwent a fascinating transfor-
mation from all Earth Mother to an intelligently and deliberately bal-
anced combination of both Earth Mother and Star Woman right
before our eyes.

Princ~JJ Diana Fi11dt1 Balance

Who can forget the sweet, innocent face and shy smile of Diana on
her wedding day? She was all Earth Mother to Prince Charles in the
early years of their marriage, bearing his heirs and trying valiantly to
fit into the royal family and learn her duties as Princess. Then she was
plunged into despair when the Prince's infidelities made the papers
and she could no Longer pretend everyth ing was rosy at the castle.
The tabloids informed us that she a lternated between fits of anger and
fits of depression. C razy Woman and Volcano Woman were
unleashed and sometimes raging out of control. Her innocence gone,
she went through a dark period in her life before she found her foot-
ing again. By using her Earth Mother strengths, she put together a
new life for herself and her sons. lt was not easy fo r her to go through
such a painful time in her life in the glare of the public eye, but she
bravely carried on and developed. herself into a sophisticated, strong
woman. For Diana developing her Star Woman side is probably what
saved her.

Toward the end of her life, Diana had completely turned the tables
on the press, whose constant attention had made her life a living helJ

c 71 8
for a good portion of her adult life. Calling on her Star Woman qual-
ities, she learned how to use her fame and popularity in the service of
causes in which she believed. Of course, her Earth Mother traits
were the impetus that set her sights on improving the lives of children
the world over.

I remember seeing a television interview with her in which she

described - with great satisfaction - how she had directed her staff to
set up photo opportunities in places where landmines left from
wartime were killing and maiming children. She wanted to bring
world attention to the prohlem. The press would ordinarily ignore
such issues; they would rather try to catch her scurrying out of some
nightclub with her latest beau. But now, if they wanted to photograph
her, they had to do it on her terms and report on the issues she val-
ued. She was reaUy in the driver's seat of her own life . Before her
tragic and untimely death, she had learned how to be a first-class Star
Woman when in pursuit of her world-class goals.

No matter which type of womanly traits you stress (at this moment),
you need to leam how to choose a good man and how to lead him to
your shared vision of a qualit3r life together, once he is yours.

Initiating Change
A leader is a person who inspires and influences. Because we are
not yet living in a tru ly egalitarian society and because both sexes
have much cultural conditioning to overcome, women need to be the
leaders and initiators of this change in the power balance.

Those who are primarily Earth Mothers need to exercise some

leadership in their relationships with men, in order to achieve equal-
ity with their partners. Those who are primarily Star Women need to
partner with men who appreciate their leadership abiliti.es and sup-
port the full exercise of those abilities both in and out of the home.

C i2 G
 Stm· W'tmu1111111) Earth 11/otherJ [!]
All of us need to strive for the right balance between these arche-
types for our own individual personality and current Lifestyle. Some
of the ideas and strategies for dealing with men in the pages ahead
may seem extreme to you. Just keep these concepts in your back
pocket and remember them. You can modify these ideas to suit your
own style. But when your "old way" doesn't work, you ca n call on
your new understanding of your four powerful inner a rchetypes to
get the job done!

Obt1er vatio flcf on Balance

Here are a few observations about some well-known women and
how the balance of Earth .l.\ fother and Star Woman appears in their
life. Although without knowing any of them personally (yet), I can
only go on what is generally known about their public images. Yet, it
is valuable to look at those public images and see the evidence of the
archetypes expressed in their lives.

E n tertainment PercJ01zalitie.J
Oprah Winfrey - An accomplished, high-achieving Star Woman
nicely tempered with Earth Mother-type caring treatment of her
guests. She uses her power and wealth in a selfless way to influence
people to improve and change their lives.

Ma.donna - A gung-ho Star Woman who never lets anything get

in her way. Looks like she finally found the right kind of man in her
current husband, Guy Ritchie, and motherhood has helped her get
into better balance with her Earth Mother side.

Barbra Streu and - An extremely gifted Star Woman who

focused on developing her enormous talents, but who was neverthe-
less shy and nervous about performing. She seems to have found the
perfect partner in James Brolin, and is softer and more relaxed
(Earth l\llother qualities) now than she ever was in her younger days.

0 7; t:J
E3 10 111J 011 7i1p
SbaJ·on Oc1hourne - Undou btedly, pure Star Woman when it
comes to managing the career of her rock star husband, Ozzie. She
commands great respect (some say fear) in the music business, yet
there is no doubting t he Eartb Mother love and concern she showers
on her husband and children (and pets!).

1Jfw.J PiggtJ - The J\liuppet character (created by a man, inciden-

tally) that personifies the extreme far end of the Star Woman spec-
trum in hilarious fash io n. We love to laugh at her totally self-
absorbed arrogant ways a.nd her blatant manipulations of hapless
Kermit the Frog. No real woman could be so completely lacking in
Earth Mother sensibili ties ... could she?

Bu.1i1i.e<1.1 Leader.I
Carly Fiorina - As the CEO of Hew lett-Packard she is widely
respected a nd admired by both men and w omen for her leadership
and business acumen . In television interviews her intelligence,
warmth and femininity shine through in equal measure, making her
an excellent example of a perfect Star Woman/Earth Mother combi-
natio n- powerful, successful a nd gracious.

A nita Ro()Jick - Found er of The Body Shop, a large chain of

cosmetic stores, this Star \Voman was one of the first to create a busi-
ness that is as concerned with the ethics of the p roducts it sells as its
customers are. She showed the b usiness world that a company could
act with Earth Mother-like caring to the environment and people of
th e countrjes w here the products are made and make a profit as well.

Vi°Jionarie.1 and Spiritual Lea'iJerd

.JcanHOLuto11 - A Star Woman of imposing intellect and far-Au ng
vision who is also a humorous, highly entertaining speaker and a lov-
ing wife and mother. She uses her Star Woman abilities to influence
world leaders for the ulti mate Earth Mother goal: saving our planet.

c 74 [!)
 St_n,_· l~~~men anJ Earth 1J1"ther.1
- - -- -- -- - · - - - - [!']
Marianne TPilliam.Jon - Former leader of a New Thought church
with thousands of members, this Star Woman is known for her pas-
sionate and persuasive speaking and writing. Her books chronicle her
own inner journey as a woman, urging us to embrace our Earth
.Mother natu res and pursue both spiritual transformation and politi-
cal activism as she herself does.

Mother Tere.Ja - The supreme Earth Mother whose simple goal of

loving and serving the poorest and the most needy resulted in her
becoming a global icon of pure love and selfless service. Yet she was
shrewd enough to use her Star Woman aspect during public appear-
ances with world leaders to get media attention and monetary sup-
port for her life 's work.

Armed with the knowledge of your predominant personality type

Earth Mother or Star Woman - you have a new way to better
understand yourself, as well as other women. Perhaps you have a
daughter who is a budding Star Woman. The concepts in this chap-
ter will help you to help her understand who she is.

For the next step on our joumey we'll take a trip into the distant
past of humankind to see how w omen's lives and roles in society were
once very different from ours. Here is the surprising and disturbing
story of how the power women once owned was lost and how we are
now regaining it.

a 75 cu
 Chapter4

Finally we learn the iJ1y.1tertJ - that unle.1c1 we find the

Godde.Jc! witht'.n our.1elvu we will never fin'iJ Her without. She
i.J both internal and external; ac1 JolUJ ac1 a rock~ ac1
changeable ac1 our own t'.ntemal image of Her. She i.-J
man.iju t within each of UJ - JO where eUe Jboul'iJ we look?"
- Starbawk~ author of The Spiral Dance:
A Reht'.rth of the Ancient Religion
of the Great Godde.Id

~Aodern women have been busy trying to emulate the worst

, , f traits of the ma le of the species (bullying, coercion, one-
upmanship, winning at all costs, climbing to the top, etc.) because we
thought it would make us more powerful and more in control. The
problem is that these are the traits of the powerful as defined by males.

Our society does little to help women discover the true power of
being female. So if you ·re feeling angry, frustrated, and worn out from

76
CGE3SCt:l~8
- - - -- _ _ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ __ _ _Rc/111'/l 4 The Gadde.J,I m
the battle of the sexes, you've got lots of company. For the last 5,000
years or so, our mainstream Western culture has treated women as
inferior beings whose main purpose in life is to bear children and tend
to domestic duties. But wait - it w asn't always like that!

Early Ancutor.;
Scholars of prehistory generally agree that our ancestors, the first
Homo sapiens, appeared around 40,000 BCE (Before the Common
Era) . Take a look at the following timeline:

,Ji) - -~~II~ ·, :-:f ;

Cuj,{!ff.(.le1~'!J~~!~l!i;' •• ~/igio11
1.,
l
1!,er4/J
40,000 BCE • Pirst appearance of Homo Sapiens Unknown

30,000 BCE •Widespread distribution of goddess figurines &images Great Goddess

20,000 BCE •Possible predominance of matriarchal cultures Great Goddess

10,000 BCE •Cave paintings in Europe Great Goddess

•End of I he Ice Age
• Domestication of plants and animals, beginnings of agriculture

7,000-3,500 •Continued development of agriculture Great Goddess

BCE

3.500-2,000 •Sumcrians settle Mesopotamia Male-centered mythologies

BCE •lndo-European invasions begin begin to clominate
•Invention of writing (c.3,000 BCE) Fragmentation of'
•Minoan culture develops on Crete (c.3000 BCE) goddess worship
•First pyramids built in Egypt (c.2,650 BCE) Great Goddess supreme
•Stonehenge built in England (c. 2,000 BCE) in Crete

2,000-1,700 •Large-scale invasions of patriarchal peoples from the East into Great Goddess supreme
BCE Greece in Crete

1,700-1.100 • Peak of Minoan civilization Male-centered mythologies

BCE •Cataclysm in Eastern Mediterranean and destruction of begin to dominat·c
Minoan culture on Crete (c.l,470 BCE) in Greece
•Hebrews begin conquest of Canaan (1250-1200 BCE)

1.100-1 BCE •High Classical Period in Greece (480-323 BCE) l'v\ale-centcred my1 ho logics
•Roman Empire begins (31 BCE) dominate Europe
•The Buddha (564-483 BCE)

1-2,000+CE •Jesus Christ (5-30 CE) Patriarchal religions

•End of slavery (1861) dominate the Western
•Women's Suffrage ( 1920) world

El 77 8
 m Vimw 011 Top

For about 35,000 y ears or more, humans lived in small groups

and tribes w here both w omen and men were shaman and leaders.
The earliest k n own scu lptures such as the Vewlo:J of WiLLenJ0tj'
(around 25, 000-30,0 00 BCE) are thought to be depictions of the
"Great Goddess."

The mysterious power of women as the

vessels of new life was worshiped throughout
The my.1terimu power of
women aJ the 1•e.Mef,1 of new prehistoric times. In fact for ma ny thousands
life wa.1 wor.1hiped throughout of years women were respected as impo1-tant
prehi.1toric time.J.
members of their communities, as pr.i estesses
and shaman in cu]tures all over the world.

JVoman a.1 the Great Godde<1.1

In t he earliest of these societies the cause and effect relations hip of
sex to the birth of children was not understood . It seemed utterly
magical that women brought forth the children. Women were seen as
hav ing powers of creation equal to nature itself. They were respected
for theic power and the center of their pow er resided in their wom bs.
The earliest works of art depict w oman as the Great Goddess a nd a re
full of symbols of nature and creation. These works are devoid of the
battle scenes o f later periods when males dominated the culture.

Minoan Culture on Crete

The last great civilization m which women participated in all
aspects of society on a n equal footing with men was the Minoan cul-
ture on the island of Crete in the Mediterranean. From 3,500 BCE to
about 1.400 BCE the lVlinoans developed a way of life where art and
physical sports flourished for all people. 1Vlen and women alike took
part in the dangerous but thrilling game of bull riding. Women
proudly showed off their bare breasts in the popular fashio ns of this
island culture.
___ ,,_ ...., ...... ---·--- - - -

On Crete the Great Goddess was worshiped in the form of a snake

goddess. From the beginnings of the Great Goddess religion, coiled
and winding snakes represented power. The snake symbolized life
energy and regeneration. It was a positive force, often expressed in
abstract form as a spiral.

"I think of women who gain a <1en<1e of their own power

and authority M 'reclaiming the power of the <1nake,'
which wa<1 lo.Jt by feminine deitiu and human women
1vhen the patriarchal religi.on<1 <1tripped the .<JOdJe<1<1e.1 tif
their power anJ inflwmce, ca<1t the <1nake a.J the e11il
ekme11t in the Garden of E'den, an'() maiJe women the
k<1<1er .Jex.,,
...- Jean ShinoJa Bolen, M.D.

Some archeologists believe that a great earthquake shook the

island of Crete around 1470 BCE, destroying many buildings and
homes. Others think a volcanic eruption destroying a nearby island
was the beginning of the end for the Minoans. Whatever the real
cause, invaders soon conquered and destroyed what was left. By this
time, male-centered mythologies dominated Europe and the Middle
East. The one Great Goddess was fractured
into many goddesses who came to represent
individua.l aspects of the feminine in many The one Great Go3de.M
wa.1 fracture'() into mally
different cultures. The female goddesses
go'{}()e,1,1e.1 wh" came to
were the wives, daughters, and lovers of the repre.1e11.t indi1•idual a.Jpect.I
dominant male gods. If they ruled, they of thefeminine ill many
rarely ruled alone. More lil(ely, they ruled as 'different culture.I.
a w1fe or queen of a male god.

Decline of the Great Goddedd

The Great Goddess still survived - even during the rise of the male
gods. For centuries, pockets of pagan worshipers kept the cult of the
Great Goddess alive outside the pantheons of first the Greek gods, and
e Vil1111J On T(lp

later the Romans. The early Christian Church did everything it could
to stamp out the old Pagan rites and belief in the Great Goddess.

The dates of many Christian holidays were set to coincide with

Pagan holidays so people could still celebrate at the same time of year.
Christmas was declared to be December 25th so it would faU right in
the middle of the pagan Winter Solstice celebration - a drunken bac-
chanal that could go on for eight days. The Church would not be seen
as the religious authority over people if this kind of behavior was
allowed to continue. To establish its authority over every aspect of peo-
ple's lives, especially the sexual aspect, the church and its priests posi-
tioned themselves as intermediaries between God and human beings.
People could not be allowed to think for themselves, have direct knowl-
edge of God, or believe that sexual pleasure could be sacred.

People who are in the habit of experiencing pleasure, love, and

peace are very diffi.cult to control. They will resist attempts to make
them feel bad or guilty about feeling good. By keeping people in
poverty and declaring carnal pleasure a sin, upper class lords, ruling
noblemen, and church leaders did a thorough job of keeping people
miserable, powerless, and therefore, controllable. When toiling in the
nobleman's fields was the only means of survival people considered
themselves lucky to receive a pittance and a share of the grain. They
had little chance of changing their destiny and fear ruled their lives.
Church leaders eventually succeeded in replacing most of the impor-
tant holidays of the old Goddess religion with their own, and the
Great Goddess beliefs faded from the memories of the majority.

How Can We Know the Truth?

The science of archaeology is only about 100 years old and until
quite recently, was relegated completely to men. Their interpretations
of their findings were, of course, filtered through t heir cultural back-
grounds as men in a male dominated society.

~ so CTI
 - - - -··-········-········- - - - -..·· .f!"_t11rn of The Co()ded,t l?J
Archaeological evidence is dependent on knowing the precise loca-
tion where each bone or pottery fragment was found. The meaning of
symbols and images, the uses of objects, and how they came to be at
the site are all open to conjecture and influenced by individual bias.
Once a site is disturbed, unless careful photographic records are
made and each object accurately tagged, a great deal of factual evi-
dence is lost forever. So many, if not all, of the early archeological
finds are of little use for us today.

One of the first and most influential female archeologists, Marija

Gimbutas, collected evidence of the earth-centered Great Goddess
beliefs in Europe and the Middle East, and reported that these soci-
eties were remarkably peaceful. Little evidence of warlike behavior
was found unti l Inda-European invaders swept in from the East
around 3,500 BCE bringing their male "sky gods" with them.

We are all products of the culture in which we live. The beliefs we

have absorbed from our Western race consciousness about how to be
a woman are not necessarily the only way to live. They are just ideas
and traditions. Studying ancient and prehis-
008BHGE3G~GE3G
toric societies shows us that these ideas
promulgated by a male-dominated culture The time 111bett
have been around for a mere 5,000 years or women were re.Jpected and
con..1idereiJ equal with men,
so. The time w hen women were respected when all people wor.Jbiped
and considered equal with men, when all feminine qualitie.1 and
people worshiped feminine gualities and fem- feminille power, iJ a period
of Jome 55,000 yearJ-ahout
inine power, is a period of some 35,000 deven timed longer!
years-about seven times longer!

Back to the Great Godde.Id?

Does this mean we should go back to worshiping the Great
Mother Goddess? \Vell, some women (and men) are doing just that.

E3 81 8
 m Ven11J 1 1i
o._,_ _o_p_ _ __

I believe that what we really need is to understand that God is not

ex clusively male nor exclusively female, but one power that embod-
ies both. A concept of God as the one source
GGGQGEJDG~OCD
of creative intelligence and energy that cre-
L11ale and female are Jim.ply ates our physical w orld would serve us all
iJifjerent expreJJionJ of the
better. Male and female are simply different
Jame divine ener.fJY·
expressions of the same divine energy.

W omen can and should e>...-plore Goddess mythology and use

Goddess stories, symbols, and images to regain our connection with the
divine femininity thatlives withi n each of us. To this end, many w omen
are joining informal groups that meet regularly to talk and share, dance
and drum - and of course - eat and drink. Magic happens w hen
women gather i.n a group to support and encourage one another.

H01wr Your Tf/oman.hood

\Vhether you aspire to be in a woman-led marriage or an egalitarian
partnership, you must learn to respect your uniquely feminine qualities
and allow them t heir full.est expression. You cannot expect your man to
~:mlr.:1t:le3GEiH:il~t:JGD honor your womanhood if y ou do not honor
it yourself. This does not give us license to
You cannot expect become arrogant and bitchy. It does mean
your mall to honor your
that we have to develop a sol.id sense of self-
womanhood if you do not
honor it yourJelj. respect and we have to expect, develop, and
require respectfu l behavior from all men.

"In my ballet.1~ woman ii firt1t. 11feu are c01z.1ort.1. God

made men to .1ing the praile.J of women. They are rwt
equal to men: ThelJ are better.,,
~ George Balanchine

111/an M Con.Jort
Women wiU benefit ri chly fro m c ult ivating a d ifferent attitude
about our r elationships with men. Think of a man as y our consort,

E:3 82 8
- - -·-··--······- - - - - - -

your chosen companion, just as the priestesses and Goddesses of the

old religions did. It was a privilege for a man to be selected as con-
sort to a powerfuJ w oman, a privilege that could be revoked with
swift and terrible punishment, should he displease bis Goddess. The
story of "lnanna's Descent" is a great inspiration for the aspiring
Modern Goddess.

lnanna d Ducent
One of the oldest stories we humans have is that of the Goddess
lnanna from ancient Sumeria, w hich is our present day Iraq. Her story
has the power to reach across th e millennia and speak to women of all
ages. Here is the story of Inanna's descent into the underworld and her
return as told by Patrice Hawkwood Schanck, edited and repr inted
with permission from Caravan Trail..1, A Journal/or TrwaL BeLLyJance

lnanna, later known as Astarte a nd Ishtar (among other names),

was not just a fertil ity goddess. She was Queen of Heaven and
Earth. She was the source of life and ordering principle. lnanna
presided over all aspects of life, from beer making to lovemaking;
from the art of war to the art of poetry; fro m the ordering of a
household to the ordering of the cosmos. We know about Tnanna
partly through hymns, w hich tell her stories, which were written
dow n around 5,000 yea.rs ago. However, her stories and worship
had been told for thousands of years before that.

The hymn of lnanna's descent begins when the goddess is in the

prime of her life. At this point in her story, I nanna has conquered
her fears, gained power and knowledg·e, become queen, and been
initiated sexually. She is married to her consort, Oumuzi, a shep-
herd, whom she wed after a sensual courtship. Their union has
made the land fruitful and content.

Yet in the midst of her power a nd fulfillment, Inan na "hears the

call of the great below:" She is called to visit the underwor ld. From
the depths of the earth she hea rs the calJ in the depths of her soul.

t3 SJ D
E3 Vmu._• 1_
0_1_ 1iJ-'-
'P _ _ ________ _ _ __ _ __ _ _ __

S he prepares for her journey and arrays herself in finery. S he is

adorned as the goddess of love and power that she is, and she is
ready. S he does one more thing. lnanna summons Ninshubar, her
faithful servant, who has d ivine and magical powers in her own
right. lnanna tells Ninshubar to wait by the gate in the un derworld
for three day s. lf Inanna does not return in that time, Ninshubar
must seek help from the gods.

Inanna's twi n sister. Erishkagal, rules the underworld. While

Inanna rules the lovely uppervvorld of light and life, her twin sister
Erishkagal rules the u nderworld of darkness and deadi. As such, her
main task is to "eat the dead'' so that the cycle of life may continue.
lnanna passes through seven gates and at each one she is required to
surrender a piece of clothing or jewelry, which carries her magical
powers. The original text says that when lnanna finally reaches the
court of Erishkagal, she is brought in "naked and low."

Without a word of gr eeting, Erish.kagal commands Inanna to be

judged as all who come to tbe underworld are judged. And then
Erishkagal touches lnanna . In an instant, lnanna is transformed
in to a corpse hanging on a hook on the wall.

After three days pass, and lnanna does not return to the world of'
lifo, Ninshubar goes First to one god, then another for aid i.n rescuing
lna.nna. They are deaf to Ninshubar's pleas for help. Finally the third
god who hears Ninshubar's appeal, the god oF wisdom, tells her that
he will help; he cannot let the b right and beautiful lnanna languish
in the underworld. The god of wisdom summons two beings, neither
male nor female in form. H e gives them the shape of flies, some mag-
ical tools, and instruction on how to save Ioanna. The little beings do
not go through the seven gates to the underworld ; instead they
descend discreetly through the cracks in the earth.

When they arrive at E r1shkagal's court, the goddess of the

underworld ljes on the Aoor. "writhing like a woman in labor.'' She
is naked and her hair is uncombed, coil.ing out from her head "ljke
leeks." She is moaning in terrible pain. The little beings begin to
comfort Er1shkagal. When she moans, "O , my back," the li ttle Ay
beings say to her, "O , you r back." When Erishkagal says "O. my

a 84 t:.J
front," they say, "O, your front." When the dark goddess moans,
"O, my liver," the beings reply, "O, your liver."

After strnggling alone in the dark with her pain, Erishkagal is

comforted by this sympathetic chorus. Now calmed and soothed by
the little beings, Erishkagal sits up and asks them, "Who are you,
what boon can I give you in return for your great service?" She
offers them many treasures, all of which are refused. The little
beings point to the rotting corpse and say, "We'll take that."

lnanna's corpse is taken down off the wall and laid before the
beings. They sprinkle the Water of Life and the Food of Life into
lnanna's lips and she is revived. lnanna goes back up through the
gates, emerging into the light in all her royal glory, clothing, jewels,
and magical powers restored. Yet she does not come back alone.
Accompanying lnanna are two demons from the underworld . They
are grim balance keepers, immune to bribery, appeal, or appease-
ment. Someone has left the realm of the underworld; someone must
take Inanna's p lace.

The demons accompany Inanna on her journey back home and

first attempt to tal~e Ninshubar, then Inanna's two sons who have
been grieving deeply for their mother, but lnanna stays the demons.
Lastly, they come to Dumuzi, Inanna's consort, a nd where is he?
Has he too been weeping, throwing dust on his hair, rending his
clothes in grieHor his goddess and wife? No. Instead, lnanna finds
Dumuzi on her throne, in all his finery, ruling in her stead.

Inanna,points at Dumuzi, fixes him with her eye, and says to the
demons, "Take him.'' The demons lay their hands on Dumuzi, but
before he can be taken to the underworld, he escapes. Exhausted,
he lays down to rest and has a terrible dream. In this dream, the
milk buckets are overturned and broken. The sheepfold is empty;
the land is sterile and withered.

Dumuzi's sister, Geshtinanna finds her brother. He tells her his

clream and she te lls him the dream means that he must accept his
fate. There is no escape; his life on earth has ended. So Dumuzi goes
to the unden-vorld, taking Inanna's place.

tt3 85 [:)
 After a time, Inanna begins to miss Dumuzi; she grieves for him.
Geshtinanna comes to lnanna and offers to take Dumuzi's place in
the underworld. They decide she will go for half the year, allowing
Dumuzi to return to the world of life and Tnanna. Then after sLx
months, Geshtinanna will return to the land of the living, and
Dumuzi will go back to the underworld. Thus the world does not
return to the way it was before l nanna made her descent, but a new
balance is achieved and the cycle of li fe continues.

Similaritie.-1
This story is the earliest of many myths from different cultures that
attempt to explain the changing of the seasons. Many elements of the
story are like our famil iar fairy tales: a gueen with magical powers, a
dangerous journey, an imprisoned heroine, obstacles to overcome,
and a brave rescue.

The description of lnanna being turned into a corpse and hung

up on the wall is rather gruesome, b u t it is a fitting act for an angry,
jealous, underworld Goddess to inflict upon her more fortunate
upperworld-dwelling s·ister. Any armchair psychologist would rec-
ognize sibling rivalry at work in this ancient tale -just like in our
Cinderella story.

DijJ'erem:u
However, other elements highlight the differences between this
peaceful woman-friend ly culture and our own. All of the main char-
acters in the story are women - not a king or warrior prince in sight.
Inanna's faithful servant turns to the male gods for help, but their aid
comes in a d ecidedly non-violent form. They create lnanna's little sav-
iors as neuter-beings, neither male nor female. lnanna is saved by the
compassionate attentions of the fly creatures to Erishkagal's pain, and
not by any kind of fighting or killing, which is so common in our cul-
ture's myths and stories.

e 86 o
 The relationship of lnanna and Dumuzi is nothing W\.e any of the
fairy tales we grew up with. Here the man is chosen by the queen to
be her consort. A consort does not have quite the same status as a
husband, even though she marries him. The marriage does not make
him Icing or give him ruling power over her. He is simply her com-
panion and lover.

When Inanna finds that her consort has overstepped his bounds
and overtaken he1· throne, she does not hesitate to send him to the
underworld. Can you imagine Snow ·white or Cinderella giving their
prince the bum's rush if he misbehaved? Even the Little Mermaid,
plucky as she was, would probably have difficulty banishing her pre-
cious prince, no matter what he did to offend her.

However Inanna is not laclcing in mercy. After a cooling off peri-

od she is able to forgive Dumuzi enough to allow him to come back
for half the year. This shows that lnanna not only bas the strength
and fortitude to make a decision, but also the compassion and flex-
ibility to amend that decision. Her abi.lity to see and use both the
masculine and feminine viewpoint on issues made her a highly
respected leader.

Di.1torti11g the Godde.u

As the earliest Goddess-worshiping civilizations were taken over
by ludo-E uropean invaders from the North and East, societies
became male-dominated. These societies proceeded to stamp out the
old Great Goddess religion and replace her with their male deities.
The Great Goddess was renamed and reduced to the role of wife of
the male deity. New myths were created which cast women as the evil
seductress, witch, or sorceress who was to be feared and destroyed.

In the ear.liest Hebrew writings, Lilith was the first female created
by God to be with Adam in the Garden of Eden. She had a mind of
her own and considered herself equal to Adam because God made her

E:3 87 0
a lk1111.1 On 7bp

from the same dust as Adam. When Adam tried to force her to lie
with him in the male-above female-below missionary position, she
became enraged and fled from the garden. 1 Subsequently God made
Eve from Adam's rib. Eve was more compliant, but she still made
trouble for Adam by convincing him to eat the forbidden fruit.

Most of the old symbols of' the Great Goddess, such as the serpent
and the horns of' the bull, were transformed into symbols of evil in the
new stories. The serpent tempted Eve to disobey. The bullhorns
became the devil's horns. Lilith was turned into the Destroyer, a
treacherous woman whose capacity for evil knew no bounds.

Controllin.'l Women Through Religion

Slowly but surely, the Goddess religions retreated before the
onslaught of the male-dominated new social order. New religions
were established to put women in a position where they could be
intimidated and controlled. Most of the major religions in the world
today (Christianity, lslam, Hinduism, Buddhism, Judaism) began
during the next few thousand years - all started by men . It was men
who conceived both of God as a superior male, and of women as
being inferior. It was men who received "divine inspiration'' directly
from their male God, and who wrote down the scriptures that put
women in their place.

Religion served a human master and that master was the power and
property-hungry male sex. Males had to find a way to insure that their
sons were legitimate so they could pass on the family wealth to a son.
And in order to do so they had to control a woman's sexuality and free -
dom. They used brute force and fear to accomplish their aims.

1
Hebreu1A1yth.J by Robert Graves and Raphael Patai (New York:
Doubleday, 1964), pp 65-69

[3 88 ()
 Return of The GaJJuJ m
"Tbe relation.1hip between men anJ women i1 a
relatioMhip het111ee11 a ••ictorio1u and a JefeateJ group. "
- Erich Fromm

When the first Hebrews conquered the land of Canaan, it was a

peaceful place where the people worshiped the Great Goddess. The
Hebrews slaughtered nearly the entire population. Only young virgin
girls were spared and given to the males to take as brides. After see-
ing their families slain before their eyes, those poor girls were com-
pletely at the mercy of their captors. Their fear was most likely
enough to dissuade them from ever attempting to practice the religion
of their mothers. 2 One after another, the temples and cities of the
Great Goddess were either destroyed or forgotten.

The Go'()ou.1 Gou Uridergrouno

The Great Goddess went underground, but was such a strong
archetype in the collective unconscious of the human race that this
powerful woman-image emerged in altered form within the new
patriarchal religions. In the Catholic faith she is venerated as the
Virgin Mary. In some Latin American countries she is called the
Virgin of Guadalupe and the people pray to her more often than to
Jesus himself. In Spain she is known as the Black Madonna.

The church had to make sex sinful and guilt-ridden. The old ideas
about sex being a sacrament and women being revered as carriers of
the mystical powers of creation just had to go. How else could they
get control of the masses, but to make anything pleasurable into a
sin? This is the legacy we were all born into. We find it nearly impos-
sible to put the words "sacred" and "pleasurable" together in the
same sentence.

2
When Go'd WaJ A Woman by Merlin Stone (Orlando, Florida: Harcourt,
Brace & Co. 1976), pp 171-172
 m Ve1111.1 011 Top

Sacred Plea.lure
Our ancient and prehistoric ancestors did not separate the sacred
from the pleasurable. They worshiped the Great Goddess as the cre-
ator and destroyer of life, and believed that she was responsible for
both the ferti lity and the destructiveness of nature. Priestesses acted
as representatives of the Great Goddess in sexual rites centered in
their temples, which they performed vvith men selected by them for
fa[3)mm£lrncrntn.~."l£''.3GJ that purpose. To them the pleasure of sex
was a natural way to connect to the Great
There waJ a time - Goddess and the mystery of creation.
a long time - when men ()[{)
not dom1'.11a.te the 1vorllJ and
i& culture.I, when women '.I When I learned about how different life
power of creation waJ was for women for the first 35,000 years of
honored, whe11 Jemini11e our ancestors' evolution, I was first shocked
value.1 were rupected.
and then outraged. There was a time - a long
time -when men did not dominate the world
and its cultures, when women's power of creation was honored, w hen
feminine val ues were respected.

The following table compares various attributes of cultures that

are female-centered (matriarchal) to those that are male-centered
(patriarchal). It's easy to recognize all the main attitudes of Western
~SeG&.3GJ 9 Gt:3GlF.:-U:!J culture in the column under patriarchy.
What would our world and our lives be like
What wo1d{) our world if the attitudes of both patriarchy and matri-
mz{) our liveJ he Likeif the archy were given equal weight?
attit11Je.1 1uwer both
patriarchy a11d matriarchy
were given equal weight?

m 90 El
 Re111m of The GoJ'du.1 ES]

Aspect Matriarchy Patriarchy

Orientation Being Doing

Attitude Receptive Aggressive

Love Unconditional love, given l'reely Conditional love, must be earned

Thought Process Jntuitive Logical

Organization Egalitarian, less structured Hierarchical, more structured

Communication Networking Chain of command

Social Order Compassion, cooperation Manmade laws of State and Nation

Inheritance Through mother Through father

Legitimacy Through mother all children are Through marriage only; a child
legitimate; there is no such thing as a born out of wedlock is considered
bastard. illegitimate, a bastard

Legal System Mercy Justice

lvlaterial Resources Universal, shared by all Restrictive, controlled by fow

Highest Values Emotional and spiritual Fulfillment of duty and success

Fulfil lment

This comparison should help you to see how the deck has been
stacked against women for t housands of years. When farming became
a major source of food, the group that gained control and stayed in
control of fertile land was the group that prospered. The concept of
territory and ownership developed and men gained power through
physical dominance and fear. But, times they are a changin'.

Today the collection, control, and dissemination of information are

becoming the basis of our economy. Brute force is less important.
Intelligence, edu cation, management skills, a nd c reativity are impor-
tant and these qualities women possess in abundance.

G !JI G
!I ~nw On Top
"KnowleiJge - not land, not capital not machi11e.1 - now
determine.; the core ,,a/ue of every kind of enterpri.te, ad
the capacil:IJ to innova.te hecomeJ the primary
".) •
uetermtnant o1./! <1ucce<1<1. ,,
- Sally He/gum

We need to learn the complete story of human development, not

just the sto1y of the last 5,000 years, not just the story created and
told by men. Let us learn the story of the other 35,000 years and use
it as a foundation from which to be inspired and to grow. I am sad-
dened when I think of how much human potential of the female kind
has been repressed and destroyed in those 5,000 years.

However, I choose not to be angry wi.th men just because they

belong to the sex that did it to us. Physical dominance is what worked
in the past and men, being the efficiency-minded creatures they are,
simply did what worked. The old ways no longer work, and every day
more men - and women - are coming to that realization.

I hope the information in this chapter helps you to see how most,
if not all, of your beliefs and assumptions about w ho you are and how
you should live have been shaped by male-centered ideas. These same
ideas restrict and negatively affect men, too. Have compassion for
them and don't let anger at the male sex, however justified it may
seem, rule your thoughts. Our past does not determine our future.

If you want to learn more about the Great

Goddess religion and life in prehistoric
Our pMt dou not
det:er1ru'ne our fllture. times, there are a number of good books on
the subject listed in the bibliography.

a 92 El
 Retum of The Goddt:.1.1 f!]
You can see how the history and heritage of women has been con-
veniently presented to us as an incomplete picture. Through the
efforts of pioneering women archaeologists like Marija Gimbutas the
full picture is at last emerging. Never forget that for the hrst 35,000
years of human existence the power of women was a recognized
essential force in daily life. Men have dominated society for a mere
5,000 years and now the balance of power is shifting yet again.

We can make the shift happen sooner by coming to a new under-

standing of men and a different way of relating to them which is all
coming up in the next section, Under,Jtandin.tJ Jl1en.

I will show you how to choose the right type of man to love for
your personality type, how to handle men and sex, and why the three
Platinum Rules for great sex are the foundation for a happy marriage.
 _,
;<<!- ~
,,, '.~-

~
SBCTf ON TWO:

W£"f7£~£~&~~~- ~
(.:.
 Chapter 5

d fyou are single you need to learn bow to choose the right type of
\J man for your personality type. I f y ou are already married, you
need to learn abou t different types of men and their character traits,
so y ou can accurately gauge the best way to strengthen the loving
r elationship with y our partner.

The Right Dating Attitude

Most of us were never taught how to date productively. The more
sure you are of your ability to take care of yourself, the more objec-
tive you can be about the men you meet and date. The better you
know you rself, the easier it is to determine if a man has the pot entia.l
to make you happy. T he best dating attitude is to be an observer.
Watch for the signs and clues that a man Cc:JEU:JE30E3t:lGCJCEl
g ives out continually that reveal his charac-
ter. Your job is to refrain from falling madly Tbe but 'Jating attitude i,1 to
be a11 ob.1erver.
in love until you are sure that he is a good
match for you.
 You will be so much more attractive and intriguing to the men you
date if you keep things Light for as long as you possibly can. Dating is
not about y ou trying to p lease him; it's about
Dt!lDG£U:lDc:JE3GE3G letting him try to please you. Let him audi-
Dating tJ not ahout yoa tion for the plum role of co-starring with you
trying to plea.1e him; it'd in your li fe.
aho1Lt felling him try to
plea.1e you.
Never act aggressively toward a man to
whom you are attracted, especially if you
don't know him very well. He must be attracted enough to you to
make the first move. All you need do in any social setting is give off
some signal that you wou ld be receptive to him. If you simply catch
him tooking at you and smile, that tells him he is welcome to approach
you. If he doesn't come to you, the attraction is not strong enough.

There must be enough chemistry between the two of you to make

him want to pursue you . This may require some restraint for a Star
Woman. We are accustomed t·o going after what we want in our
working world, bul this kind oF behav1or is counterproductive when
it comes to romance. You may run after a man and seduce him into a
romantic relationsh ip with you - but your chances of ending up with
a man who is a user are very high.

You need to look for a man's motivation and willingness to please

you. You cannot do this if you are focused on winning him over and
pleasing him.

So give up the cute pick-up lines, the little notes, the intrigue with his
E3r:JDG£U::lOr:JCE1Elr::l friends, and any other elaborate games you
dream up to get his attention. Give him a smile
You CJe.1erve a man who iJ and act receptive. That's all. If he doesn't
ahJol1Ltely thrilled at the
pro.1pect of conrting you.
respond to y our receptiveness, just assume
that there is not enough of a spark between

c 98 a
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _l_
.r11•1i~9 The Righi 111an m
you to start a 6re, and move on. Keep your dignity at all times. You
deserve a roan who is absolutely thrilled at the prospect of courtiogyou.

Just watch a few of those nature programs on television showing

the mating habits of animals. A f'emale peahen has hig·her standards
than most human females these days. She makes th ose peacocks put
on a show, strutting around with their tail feathers spread wide. She
lets them fight it out over her and then picks the one who best meets
her criteria for a mate. She wouldn't dream of chasing a male. They
have to prove their worth to her and then she makes her choice. You
should be at least as choosey as a peahen.

Deal-]{ilier.J - Your AB CJ
Mal<e up y our mind firmly about which traits or habits are deal-
killers for you. A deal-killer is something that you absolutely cannot
tolerate a nd could not live with. l'vly deal-killers were simple and
practical. Any man who exhibited any of the following was out of the
game immedjately (or never reached tbe starting line):

A. Smoking or addictive behavior of any kind

B. Poor health habits

C. Incompatible religious or spiri tual beliefs

A. A3uiction.J
This list of the three ABCs is a good basic starting place for any
woman. Addictions are listed first as Item A because no o ne can have
a good relationship wi th someo11e who is addicted. Their substance of
choice will always be more important than their partner, and who
wants to contend with that? lf you don't smoke, don't even consider
going out witb a man who does.

Other kinds of addictions can be hidden from you r view when you
fi rst start dating. It's fairly easy fo r him to concea l heavy drinking or
£3 ll,,mt.t On Top

dr-ug use when you a re only spending a few hours at a time with a
ma n. When you start spending more time with him and get to know
him better, keep your eyes a nd ears open for cl ues. IF a man has
addictions, they wi ll show up over time. D on't ignore your intu ition
in this area either. rf something fee ls wrong to you about a man, there
is a reason for it.

B. Poor Hea/J:b Hahi&

I take care of my health because I intend to live a healthy, active
life for a long time. My goal was to many a man who had good
prospects of being vvith me for many years. So a man who had
a llowed himself to go downhill p hysically was not a good match for
me. A man w ho is overweight, o ut of shape, and doesn't take care of
bis health exhibits a lack of self-discipline that is a turn-off for me.
Both items A and B can often be determin ed before you even accept
a fi rst date, unless it's a blind date.

C. Spiritual Compatihilil:tJ
I learned through bitter experience that Item C was extremely
important to me. Husband number th ree was a fundamentalist
Christian. I was interested in metaphysical philosophy. How I ever
thought we could make a marriage work is beyond me. Can you pic-
t u1·e what it is like being married to a man who believes y ou are going
straight to hell? And all the whi le, you don't even be li eve there is such
a place as hell. What insanity!

If your spiritual li fe is important to you, then y our man should

have a similar philosophy toward life. His belief's must be at least
compatible and on t he same page as yours, or you will be missing the
opportunity to have real spir itua l depth in your relationship.

I enjoy being in volved in my church; my husband only comes to

church occasionally. However, we both agree on the basic spiritu al

c 100 0
principles t hat we live by. We speak the same spiritual language and
look at life the same way. \J\fe can talk about things that happen and
how we feel. \Ve can open up to each other completely on any subject
without fear of being rejected or ridiculed. l never had this level of
spiritual compatibility with any of my otber spouses.

When I look back with t he knowledge I now have, I know that none
of those other marriages ever stood a chance of succeeding. None of
those men met even two out of three of the very basic ABC criteria for
dating- much less marr:ying! But w hen y ou are desperate for a rela-
tionship - as I was in those days -you don't make good choices.

Weed Them. Out

Armed with y our relationsh ip deal-kiUer list, you can weed out a
lot of men on the first date or two. It's easy to refuse any fu rther dates
when you know this is not the kind of man you want.

However, once you get past that point, you need to understand the
two types of good men and w hich type is best for you.

For our purposes, we need a clear and simple set of criteria by

which to evaluate potential partners. One of the reasons that women
have trouble in relation ships is that we get involved with men who
just don't possess the necessary ingredients in their character to be
successful partners for our personality type.

First we must know what to look for in a man, a nd then we must

know how to test him to make sure he is truly compatible for us.
Otherwise, we date - or worse, marry - men who don't have what it
ta kes to make us happy and never will. Once you are a rmed with a
pract ical way to choose a compatible mate for yourself, there is no
reason for you to end up hurt and disappointed ever again.

C IOI [!]
m Ve1111J 011 Top

Dark Start1 (Bail Gu.y.1)

This kind of male operates from a very low state of consciousness
and a big, fearful ego. He is basically selfish and uncaring. At first he
can be a real charmer. He seduces you with promises and romantic ges-
tures until you fall for him. Once he knows you're hooked, he counts
on your kindness and sympathy, as he plays you for all you're worth.

This is the true bad guy who uses and abuses women and then
drops them without a thought. Or he tells you he loves you and then
hurts you over and over. Or he is addicted to someth ing: alcohol,
drugs, gambling, or other women. Or he physically or verbally abus-
es people, then apologizes and promises never to do it again. And, of
course, he always does it again.

If a man you have just met seems utterly dashing and romantic, a
yellow warning flag should be waving furiously in your head. If he
oozes with charm and tries to sweep you off your feet, keep them
firmly planted on the floo r. You might be one of the few lucky women
whose romantic and charming guy is also a good man. But there's a
very high probability that the oozing charm is a mere fa9ade.

Only time will tell if a charmer has real heart and substance beneath
the attractive exterior. This man's "best foot forward" is easy to observe,
but it is important to also watch carefully for signs that he might be "all
hat and no cattle" as a smart sister from Texas would put it.

Dark Stars should be simply wiped off your radar screen and
never even given a chance to get near you. If you don't yet have
enough self-respect to boot this kind oF man unceremoniously out of
your life the minute you discover his defects, then you need more help
than any book can provide.

t3 102 0
 Please do yourself a favor, get away from a bad guy and heal those
destructive patterns before you even think of trying to meet someone
new. Bad G uys have no place in your life, ever!

lf you are married to a Bad G uy, y ou must get away from him
before you can even begin to thin k clearly. Once you heal the emo-
tional issues that are attracting these Bad Guys to you, then you'll be
able to attract a Good Man.

Tbe Gooo Man

What is our definition of a good man, meaning a man who is a
good prospect for a long-term relationship? Here a re the key points
tbat define a good man:

1. He respects women in general and his partner in particular

2. Hjs primary goal in t he relationship i s to please nis woman

3. He allows his woman to influence him

4. He s upports her dreams

Re.1pect<1 You
Respect is the bottom-line bedrock of any good relationship. If a
man doesn't have fundamental respect for you as a woman, nothing
else he may have w1U make up fo r it.

'1'J.1k a what be think.I of bi.1 nwthet; a1UJ be will

mall
Jbow you how be treat.:1 bi<1 wife. "
- Carl G. Jung

Look at his relationship with his mother. If he is respectful and

polite to her - chances are he will be the same w1th you. I have run
into some exceptional men whose mothers were poor parents, yet
they were able to overcome that handicap. They gave respect to their
partners and developed a good relationship despite their childhoods.

e !OJ ('.)
£3 llw11,1 011 7_1'''P-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- -

Respect is a ground floor, basic, foundational element on which ther e

is no compromise, because all positive relationships depend upon it.

'1.'Pbat women want LJ what men want.

They want rupect. ,,
- Marilyn Jlod Savant

You a nd you r man wi ll likely have a few personality quirks that

an noy each other. You may have some issues that you w ill never agree
upon. [f' you keep your respect for each other, you can tolerate each
other's quirks and ag ree to disagree. But if you lose respect for y our
partner, it's a warning sign that your relationship is on shaky ground.
People w ho love each other respect each ot her as well.

De.Jir~ to Plea.!e You

The right man for you must have a real desire to please you. His
main goal in life should be to make you happy. \Vh en the woman of
the house is happy. the whole household is happy. W hen the woman
of the house is unhappy, nobody is happy. The smar t ma n knows this
and makes it his business to please his woman. H e either has the
pleasing gene embedded in his personality or he doesn 't. If he doesn't
a lready have this attitude, no amount of begging, cryi ng, or pleading
on your part can create it in him. Pleasing his woman must be his
prime d irective or he is not worth your time.

Accept.J Your Influence

The ability and wil lingness of a man to accept your influence is
utterly crucial for y our fu ture happiness. Women have been taught to
accept the influ ence of men. 1\!lost w omen have little 1·esistance to lis-
ten ing to our partner's opinions and considering them when we make
a decision. A man who cannot - or will not - do the sa me fo r y ou is
not a good bet for marriage. A Star Woman will never be happy if she
can not infl uence her mate. An Earth Moth er may bear the situation

El 104 Q
more patiently, but she too will be much happier in the long r un with
a man who is considerate of her opin ions.

'1Pe have Jound that. .. men who allnw their wi11e,1 to

influence them have happier 111.arriage.1 and are /,e.M
likely to divorce than m el'l who re.Ji.ft their 111ive.1'
illfluence. StatiJtically .1peaking, whell. a man iJ not
willing to Jhare power with hi<1 partner, there tJ a.iz 81
percent chance that hiJ marriage will Jelj-de.1truct. "
-Dr. John Gottnuuz

Suppor& Your Dream.<1

It isn't necessary that yo ur man has the same dreams as you , but
he does need to be supportive of you reaching your dreams. If the two
of you have dreams that are not compatible, it means somebody may
have to give up their dream to keep the relationship going. And that
damages your chances for a long-term marriage.

ff your most cherished dream is to have chi ldren and he waffles

around when you bring up the s ubject - yellow flag! If he wants to
risk everything on starting a business and you can't stand the thought
of not having a regular paycheck coming in -yell ow flag! Get these
things out in the open and discuss them before makjng a commitment.
The partner whose dream goes unsupported is likely to build up a
case of resentment, often irreparably damagi ng the relationship.

''For any woman to Jucceed in Americall life .1he muJt

fir.;t do two thi1~9.1: Prepare hert1eljfor a p ro/eMion'J
anu marry a man who wantd her to Jucceed ac1 much a.J
t1he 'Joe,1.,,
- Cathleen Dougla.1

What A bout Jl/onetJ?

Money is a t ouchy subject between men and women these days. A
responsible woman normally wants to develop the ski lls to be finan-

c 105 (]
~ ~1111.• 011 Top

c1ally self-sufficient, even if she intends to spend some years making

child-rearing her main focus. Yet most of us still cling to the Prince
Charming fantasy, hoping that once we find the Prince he will take
care of us financially forevermore. So a man is still likely to be judged
by his occupation and its moneymaking potential. You must learn to
accept the fact that the Prince is not coming (even if yo u look like
Cinderella) !

Many good men are never given a chance by women, because they
do not meet our financial expectations. As a woman earns more
money, she may get a taste of what men have been suffering for years.
She wonders if he loves her for herself or for her money. Some high-
earning women insist that their partner must make as much as she
does. This attitude can greatly limit your chance for happiness. If this
high-earning woman is a Star Woman she does not realize that a man
who is just as hard driving as she is may not be the best match for her.
She would be happier with a man who is more playful and can help
her relax and enjoy li fe with him.

It is fair and reasonable to expect that your man is responsible

with money and has the means to support himself'. Money is impor-
tant to the point that you need enough to be comfortable-whatever
that means to you. For some it might mean a little house in the sub-
urbs, two kids. and two cars. For others it might mean a co-op apart-
ment in a city high rise and a weekend place in the cou n try. Once you
have enough money to meet you r definition of comfortable, more
money does not necessarily in crease happiness.

Be as flexible as possible when it comes to a man's financial situation

and you will widen the playing Geld of potential partners considerably.

£3 106 D
 Loving Tb( Right Mafl m
Wbat A.bout KUJJ and Ex-Wive.1?
Some well-known relationship experts flatly discourage people
from dating and remarrying when they have children to raise from a
previous marriage. l f you start dating a man who is divorced with
children you need to take a good long hard look at w hat your life will
be like if you marry him. Does he have a vindictive ex-wife who will
make things difficult for you whenever she gets the chance? Don't
start auditioning for the role of step-mom too soon. It's a painful
adjustment for children to see their Dad with another woman. Some
kids never Lose their resentment no matter how hard you try.

"Look before you leap" has to be your motto in this situation. Give
it plenty of time before you consider getting marr ied. If y ou want to
have babies with this man, it can cause even more hurt and resent-
ment to his other children. Living in the midst of this emotional stew
proves to be much more difficul t than most women want to believe.
Be careful of getting involved in this kind of relationship unless you
are sure y ou have the emotional maturity and strength to deal with
the complexities of a "blended fami ly. "

If you are the one with kids, the same cautions apply. Take plenty
of time to know a man's character and to gauge whether he is a good
match for you and your kids. If he paints a picture of his former life
with his ex-wife as though she were the wicked witch and he the
long-suffering innocent victi m-yellow flag! Any man who cannot
admit his part i_n t he problems of a past relationship is Likely to be too
immature or dense or stubborn to create a better relationship this
time around. However, if his ex-wife is a difficult person to deal with,
but he exercises a good deal of restraint and patience in the process,
you might well have a winner I

c 107 8
m Vm1w 011 Top

At1teroi.Jc1
ALI men start out in the Asteroid Belt. They travel in a pack in an
endless circle, hanging out with their buddy asteroids, making the
rounds but going nowhere. They have no direction untiJ they meet a
woman who puts a fire under them. T hen they leave their comfortable
routine and get motivated to pursue the woman that attracts them.

'1:1. man in love iJ incomplete unlil be ba.1 married.

Tbe11 he'cl fuiiJhe.iJ."
-Zia Zia Gabor

Some men catch fire for a short w hile - until they win you over -
and t hen they get lazy and reh1 rn to their old asteroid belt routine.
Th ese men are not Bad Guys, but they don't have a very strong desire
to please you . They won't deliberately hurt you or treat you badly,
but they are lazy and will take the easy way out of most situations.
Some foolish women take on a guy like this and make a project out of
him. Trying to make this lump into something worthwhile is an exer-
cise in futility.

When it comes to men -what you see is what you get. If you don't
like what you see or what you're getti ng, cut your losses and move on !

Does t his all sound too cold and calculating for you? All I'm advo-
cating here is that you engage your brain before you open your heart.
This is how a woman of power conducts herself.

Power Dating
A woman who respects and values herself does not waste time on
a man who will not be able to meet her needs. She uses her head to
look at the facts about a man's character and
behavior. When all signals are a go, then she
Engage your hrain he/ore
you open your beart
al lows her heart to open and lead the way-
in vesting her life in their life together.

c /()8 ('.)
 Loving Tiu Right 11'/an [t]
The wise woman also understands how critical it is to refrain from
sexual involvement until you know a man well enough to objectively
evaluate his potential for you.

I'm not against sexual pleasure - far from

Refrain from Je.-.:ual
it. However, if you have sex with a man, all involvement untti you k11ow
your objectivity vanishes and you can't help a man weLLenough to
forming an attachment to him. You become objecti.vely evaluate hi.I
pot.entiaL for you.
infatuated and start falling in love too soon.
This clouds your judgment and makes it eas-
ier for y ou to igno re warning signs about his behavior that y ou would
have noticed had y ou kept a clear head.

When you take a stand of absti nence in the early stages of your
dating life, your chances of meeting the rig ht man shoot way up.
That's because you are not spending precious time getting entang led
with the wrong man. Instead, you are available when Mr. Right
shows up. You must have the patience, strength of character, and
consciousness to keep you rself open for the right man.

D ating two or three men at the same time Df!JEDt=:JD0DGDGeO

is an excellent way to keep your self-confi- Ke.ep your .1elf-conji()mce
dence high an d your rational mjnd at the bigb and your rational mind
al the forefront.
forefront. You are unlikely to get involved
with any one of them too guickly . You'll
derive a great deal of enjoyment in comparing and contrasting their
behavior and sharpening your skil ls of observation.

If you've learned to be a gracious receiver, you'll no doubt experi-

ence an especially d elicious little thrill when one of y our suitors
comes to pick you up for a date and notices that gorgeous bouquet of
flowers given to you by a nother man. Men thrive on a hint of com-
petition. Don 't feel guilty! Remember the peacock and the peahen!

£3 109 G
e Vem1J 011 Top

Two Typec1 of Goo'iJ Men

There are two kinds of good men. Both Star Women and Earth
Mothers can have a good ma rriage with either type, but if you want
to have a really great marriage, one type is a better match for you
than the other.

Meteor Men
The first and more plentifu l of the two is the Meteor Man. This is
a good man who is capa ble of being influenced and inspired by his
woman - but only so far. He heads toward Earth because he wants to
come home and put his feet up. H is concept of marriage is one where
the man is supposed to be in charge. He is apt to be a loyal partner
with a single-minded devotion to his woman once he aims himself in
her direction.

Meteor Man a11{) Star Woman

With proper handling, a Meteor Man can be developed into a
good partner for an Earth Mother, but he is not as good a match for
a Star Woman.

The Meteor Man may be initially fascinated by a Star Woman's

sparkle, but over the long run they a re likely to find themselves in a
power struggle. He wan ts things his way and she wants things her
way. He is too much work for her and she is too demanding for him.

Meteor Man and Earth Mother

The Meteor Man prefers to be the leader in his marriage and is
genera lly a kind and fair-minded fellow who likes to see his partner
happy. Earth Mothers are comfortable with this kind of man as
leader, as long as their opinions are respected and incorporated into
family decisions. The woman needs to be alert for signs of her man
backsliding into macho attitudes or lazy relationship habits. If he
becomes overbearing or inattentive to her, she bas to nip that in t he
bud. As long as she is vigilant about being considered a full partner

&! 110 (:)

 .&wing The Right. lf1n11 l!J
in the marriage at all times, her chances of having a long and satisfy-
ing relationshi p with a Meteor Man are good.

'7n my houJe I'm the ho.M, my wife iJ1iut tbe 'iJecuion

11u1.lcer. "
- Woo{)y A lletL

Comet Men
The Comet Man is an ideal partner for the Star Woman. Her ener-
gy and zeal light his fire a nd propel him in her direction. H e wiJJ fo l-
low her just about anywhere. He does not merely accept her influ-
ence, but welcomes it. He is not intimidated or threatened by her
leadership abili ties. He is secure in his own masculinity and truly
admires a nd values her strength a nd competence.

"The n w.1t altractt'.11e thing a wonuui call do for a man i.1

to give him a way to .1eri1e btm "
- Regena Tboma.Jhaaer

Comet Man and Star TVoman

The Comet Man enjoys being a Star Woman's best friend and bead
cheer.leader-and delights in her accomplishments as much as his
own. He is wiJJing to go the extra mile for b.er. She i.s his own personal
goddess whom he enjoys serving. He is a m aster at consideration and
cooperation. The only problem she might have in the relationship is
seeing out how much love a nd admira tion she is capable of accepting
from this man. And learning how to relax into her role as leader in the
marnage.

D oes this sound too good to be true? I assure you it is not. As a

matter of fact there are more Comet l\llen out there than y ou would
th.ink. Some ot them are quite powerful and successful in t he outside
world - lawyers, senators, CEO 's, and the like. Some Comet M en are
blue-collar men who are the picture ot sexy masculine charm - con-
structi.o n workers, poli.ceme n, and firemen.

t3 /// Q
 e V.:11w 011 Top

The Comet Man bas a deep desire to surrender himself to a

woman. It brings him joy to leave his workday role behind and pam-
per y ou instead.

A smart Star Woman who is savvy and sel f-confiden t enough to let
her dominant side shine can easily capture the heart of a Comet Man.
You must be strong and determined enough to overcome the old ideas
ingrained in your subconscious about how women are supposed to be.
You must be willing to discard the need for anyone else's approval.

Being y ou r outrageously wonderful true self with a ma n who loves

you as you really are is a Star Woman's well-deserved reward. When
a Comet ]\fan finds a Star Woman who gives him ample opportunity

e 0 D Q El c:J El r.:J 0 c:J C El to serve her needs, he feels that he has hi t

the jackpot in the game of love.
Be your 011trageo11.1Ly
11101UJerful true .JeLJ.

Comet Man anu Earth ff/other

The pairing of an Earth Mother with a Comet Man is not as good
a match for either of them. The woman in this case "viii always be
hoping that be will take the reins of leadership because she doesn't
always want to.

Meanwhile he will always be hoping that she will be more aggres-

sive and more willing to exercise control. The leadership role in this
marriage can be like a hot potato tossed back and fort h causing dis-
appointment for both pa1·tners.

"iJtlan ba.1 hi.J will - hut cvoman hcu ber way."

~Oliver Wen()e/l Holme<1, S1: (1809-94)

D 112 O
 If you are an Earth Mother who is al ready married to a Comet
Man that y ou want to keep, you can improve your relationship by
developing your inner Star Woman and taking charge in more
areas. [f you're willing to be adventurous sexua lly, you can use the
sexua l techniques in the next chapter to motivate your Comet l\!lan
to be more of a leader for you, just because it pleases you when he
does so. You cannot turn a Com et into a ,Meteo r, but you can help
him develop a broader range of relationship skills wit h the right
training a nd motivation.

Te.Jti11g Him
As l mentioned earlier, there is a way to test a man's potential for
making you happy. This is a simple way to see if' pleasing you is real-
ly important to him.

No matter how wonderful he seems when you first start dating,

before you let yourself fall in love, and certainly before you have sex
with him, y ou must give him the Venus On Top Litmus Test of
Pleasuring Potential - the Toilet Seat Test.

In my house, the toilet seat is always down. Oh, I'm physically

capable of putting it down if it was left up, but practicality is not the
point here. The point is that it honors me that my man makes the
effort to leave the toilet seat dow n for me just because it p leases me.
It makes me feel respected and cared for. It is dai ly proof that he is
considerate of me. Ifyou think I'm being silly or petty about this, here
is t he opinion of one of ow· foremost relationship experts:

"For many women. a rai:leu toilet Jeat t'J .tymbolic of

the male'.! Je1t.te of entitlenumt. So a man call dcor e
major point.; with hw wife jtut by putting the .1eat iJown.
The wi.1e hu..1ba1td t1mile.1 at how dntart he td a,1 he 'iJropc1
the liJ."
- Dr. John Gottm.an.

a 11; o
 £a Ve1111.1 011 T(lp

The Toilet Seat Tut

This is the kind of simple, daily behavior on which to test your
man's Long term potential as a mate. If he is not willing to make it his
sworn duty and dai ly habit to always put the toi let seat down for y ou,
then he is probably too selfish and stubborn to warrant any more of
your attention. Never, ever marry a man who won't put the toilet seat
down for you! Flush that lump out of your life immediately!

The issue here is that women can instill

respectful treatment by drawing the line and
Never, ever marry a man
who won't put the toikt .teat insisting upon it. If you are insistent on
0011111 for you! being treated with respect you stand a good
chance of winning them over-as long as
you treat men with respect and good humor
in the process. If a man refuses to make small gestures of respect for
you, then you need to choose a better type of man!

In my guest bathroom, l keep a little sign to remind male guests of

my Number One House Rule: "Gentlemen: Please leave the toilet seat
CGDC'.JElt::JCDDt:.l£.3D down! The Goddess thanks you!"

"Ge11tlemem P/eaJe During the early dati ng period, men are

fea11e the toilet .teat down/
on their best behavior, trying to win your
The Go'diJeJ,1 thank.1 yo11/"
love and a pproval. You must date a man long
enough to get past the initial in fatuation to
see his true character. Start early- the initial dating period is the time
to start testing a man's willingness to please you. Don't wait until you
are engaged. By then you r head is fu ll of wedding fantasi es and your
ability to be objective is out the window.

'7 married he11eath m e. All women uo. "

~ LadtJ Nancy A.1tor (18 79-1964)J
Ellgli.1h politic£anJ
Jir.1tfemale mem.ber of the Briti.Jh Parlianient

C If.I 0
 L011ing Tht Right 1/lan m
The Toilet Seat Test is a must for every woman to administer to
any man she dates on a regular basis. If he passes this first, most basic
test, you shou ld devise more of y our own tests to check your com-
patibility and his motivation to please y ou.

You are looking for a demonstration of his sincere desire to

please you, even if your request makes no sense to him. He will be
eager to do practical things for you, like fix your car or weed your
garden. You should come up with a few off-the-wall requests to
really test his mettle.

'Women are made to be loved, not un3ert1tooiJ."

.....-0.Jcar Wi/Je

Man on aMi.1t1ion
For example, when I was decorating my house I found some cute
red plaid stadjum blankets on sale at the local K-Mart, the lone
department store on our mountain. I used them to create curtains for
my living room, but I needed two more to complete all the windows.
I asked the man I was dating at the time, who lived down the moun-
tain, if he would stop by his local K-l'vlart store and see if they had
any left. Well, he went to not just one, but <1i..-i: different stores in order
to find two of those blankets just for me!

You know how men hate shopping. Yet he went charging forth
with the determination of Sir Lancelot to succeed in his quest or die
tiying. Wow, did he ever earn bonus points from me on that one! I
was du ly impressed and I marveled at his dedication and persever-
ance. I also made s ure to tell everyone at my housewarming party the
story of his brave and successful quest. The only thing that pleases a
man more than you telling him in private how grateful you are is you
telling the story of his p rowess to all your friends in public. (P.S. I still
didn't go to bed w ith him!)

0 115 0
 Star Women, especially, need a man with a high level of desi.re and
willingness to please. Without a large dose of this motivation in her
mate, a Star Woman's marriage is doomed from the start. And she
needs a finely tuned reward system to make a man feel it's worth his
investment. All women need to get into the habit of noticing when a
man does someth ing to please her, and being lavish with praise for
him in private and in public. Men love being our heroes!

The Mother-in-law Man3ate

You may be dating a man who passes your initial tests with flying
colors . He appears to be a man who loves to please women. Yet some
oF these men have a fatal flaw that you must watch out for. They
learned to respect a nd love women from their mothers. H owever, if
their m other is a Volcano Woman at heart, she does not want to ever
let her little boy go. IF he is too attached to her, he wilJ never be able
to make you the number one woman in his life. Be on the lookout for
signs that his mother's opinions are too influential over him.

A woman who marries a man who is still a Mamma's boy is practi-

cally guaranteed a life of misery. Both ofyou will be at war over lover
boy, and he will always play the innocent vic-
t3DtaEl~BE3El~ElCCi.l ti.in. You will be incensed when he fo llows his
A woman who marrie.1 a mother's recommendations instead of' yours.
man nrho u .1till a /Jfamma'.J You can never win against such a strong
hqy u practically guanmteeJ
a life of mi.1ery. hold; so don't even try.

For some months I dated a man w ho was

as macho as you can get on the outside. He had quite a high- ra nking
position in law enforcement, a well-muscled body, and a comfortable
retirement package waiti ng for him. He appeared to be a great catch.
We talked about my movillg in with him and getting engaged. He had
an ugly, old flowered sofa in his living room and I had a nicer, newer
one. He refused to let me put my sofa in his house I After a se ries of

c 116 r:::J
quarrels about the subject, I finally got the truth out of him. That old
sofa once belonged to his now deceased grandmother. It had a lot of
sentimental value to his mother and she would be devastated if he
tried to get rid of it. He was so afraid of displeasing her that be would
rather displease me!

I did not marry that man, thank Goddess! He was not a bad man.
He was actually a very decent guy, kind and generous. He even put
t he toilet seat down. But I thought about what my life would be like
with a Volcano Woman for a mother-in-law and knew I had to bail
out. He retired a few years ago and built a beautiful custom home not
far from where I live. The old flowered sofa was moved in to the liv-
ing room of the new house. He later got married to a very nice
woman. I went over and peeked in the front window one day when
they weren't home. The sofa was still there. Good luck, sister!

For Married Women

If you are married, I hope your husband meets the four basic
requirements for marital happiness and passes the Toilet Seat Test.

If you are a Star Woman and you know your husband is a Meteor
Man, you can still have a reasonably happy marriage. If you use some
or all of the sexual techniques outlined in the next chapte1~ you stand
a very good chance of increasing your husband's desire to please you
and willingness to accept your influence. It will just take more work
on your part to develop and train h.im to be a good husband to you.
If you really love him and want to stay with him, you can be even
happier than you already are.

If your current relationship is not satisfying, only y ou can decide if

it's worth working on, or if you would be better off without this man.

a J11 8
 E3 lli:1111.1 011 Top

A man is usually not worth keeping as your mate unless he meets

at the very least, the first three basic requirem ents of the good man:

• He respects women in general and his partner in pa rti.cu lar

• H is primary goal in the relationship is to please h:is woman

• He allows his woman to infl.uence him

A man wUJually not worth Working on your own character and

kuping wzlu.1 be mutJ, at issues ·will certainly help, but if your man
the 11ery leaJt, the Jir.1t three
ba.1ic requiremerttJ of the will not make any effort to improve your
goou man. relatio nship, you may ha.ve to face the situa-
tion you d read most: being single again.

OhJ NoJ Si119le Again!

When I separated from husband number three, I was 47 years old
and plenty scared that I would never 6nd a good man to love. I read
all those stories about how a woman over 40 has a better chance of
CDE3DDEJE3t:)£3c.:.Jtit:.J being hit by lightning than getting married
again. It's all nonsense. Your life is deter-
l'fntr life ,~, uetcrnu'.neu hy the mined by the state of you r conscio usness .
•1tatc of you.r co11<1ci o1u1te.t.1.
When you end an unhappy c hapter of
y our life, it means y ou've got some soul-searching and spiritual work
to do. If you are willing to do the work required to heal your emo-
tional hurts and resentments, you can write a new chap ter w ith a
very different ending. I w ent t hrough a real "Dark Night of the
Soul" fo l.lowing my third divorce, but I had such a big, stubborn ego
that the only way I w as going to learn the lessons I needed to learn
was to be completely humbled.

I didn't really find my ow n spiritu al tru th until I lost eve1ything

else. It took some time, but I eventually turned my life around com-
pletely on every front-health, finances, work, and relationships.

~ 118 D
- - - - - - - - - - - ,_ __ _ _ __ __ Lo
_,_
'ii'!!....!.fae W9bt 111a11

Po.1ter Chi!J for New Thought

I was so motivated to get out of all the pain I was in that I absorbed
information like a sponge. I studied a spiritual principle in the
evening and put it to work the next day..My minister dubbed me her
"Poster Child for New Thought" because of the way I was able to
soak up truth and then use my new expanded state of consciousness
to demonstrate incredible changes in my life with amazing speed.

I don't claim that my life is perfect now or that I no longer have

any problems. Elevating your consciousness does not guarantee you
a problem-free life. However, it does help you cope a whole lot better
when life throws you a curve ball. I can honestly say that I'm satis-
fied and content with the state of my life these days. I have regained
my health, cleaned up my finances, expanded my business - and most
important of all - married a good man who is a perfect match for me.
None of that seemed remotely possible back in the dark days. I made
it through to the other side an d so can you.

''Love an() re.1pect woma11. Look to her 1wt only for

comfort, but alc10 for Jtrengtb and inc1piration atw the
doubling of your intellectual and moral po111erc1. Blot out
from your min() any iuea of .1uperiorihJ; you have none."
- Guueppe Mazzini (J 805-72).

If you are a Star Woman who is thinking about getting out of a

relationship with a man who is wrong for you, your Future is brighter
than you think. Star \Vomen who are willing to let themselves be the
strong, take-charge women they were born to be are precious gems.
There are lots of men out there who are dreaming of a woman like
you, and you don't have to be y oung, thin, or pretty to attract them.
These men want a woman who is not afraid to take control. The
world is y ours. You just don't know it yet.

~ 119 D
 - - -- - - - - - - - -- - - - · · · · · - -
Finoing Yollr Man
There are so many good books and articles written on how to meet
men that we don't need to cover that subject in-depth here. However,
I do want to tell you about how I met my current bus band - through
the Internet!

As you get older, it becomes more difficult to meet eligible men.

More and more people of every age are using the Internet to find
their special someone. My story should give you lots of confidence
that you can meet the right man for you, no matter what your age or
geographical location.

If anyone had a good reason to complain about how hard it was to

meet a good man, it was me. I was over 50, living in a very small
mountain town where most people in my age group were married
couples. It's a community of pickup trucks and blue jeans. The local
joke is: "If you find a guy in Big Bear who is still single, he's either in
recovery or on parole." lo nearly three years of living here I met a few
single men, but no one that I wanted to date. Most of them flunked
all three of my ABC standards so they never even made it to the start-
ing gate! 1Vly prospects were looking mighty dim. But the solution
was never outside of myself.

The Secret to Meeting Yollr Match

Most of us put lots of time and attention into making a list of aU
the wonderful qualities we want in our ideal soul mate. The secret is
to BECOME that person yourself. Relationships are a mirror.

You can only attract a person who is on the same level of spiritual
BElmr!lEiUl9ClEU:lEIO development as you are. So, if you want a
great man, you've got to be an equally great
{f you 111a.11t a ,9reat man,
yml'iie .IJol lo he an equally woman. Developing yourself spiritually - so
great 111oma.n. you have total faith and trust in God or a
Higher Power - is the best thing you can do

a 120 0
 Lt"'ii1g Tht Right nlan CiJ
for yourself in this situation. It takes that kind of fai th to get you
through those seemingly endless stretches of months or even years
w hen your soul mate is nowhere in sight. Use that time to develop
y ourself into a woman of strength.

I studied, and meditated, and prayed-and grew stronger emo-

tionally. Although the relationship door of my life seemed to be closed
to me for the time being, other doors opened easily, so I walked
through them. Success in work, making new friends, becoming part
of a supportive spiritual commu nity - all these situations blossomed
in my life - but the longed-for love relationship still eluded me.

At some point I realized that putting so much of my attention on

w hat I perceived was m issing, was actually creating more oF the same
lack. l knew I was ready to be a g reat partner, but I had absolutely
no control over how or when it would happen for me. Tsurrendered
all my ideas about how I thought my life was supposed to be. I
accepted the idea that only God knew how and when l would meet
tbe right man for me.

In those days my surrender process was a lot more emotionally

charged than it is today. I decided I had to get my attention off what
appeared to be a lack in my ljfe.

Demanding Your Good

I was at the end of my rope over the situa tion and on one of my
daily hikes I held a shouting match with God right there in the forest.
"OK, so you 're not ready to send my soul mate right now, God. I
accept that. But I demand that you send me someone to just date and
have fun with. I'm ready for some kind of relationship NOW. So send
me someone NOW! ,, I screamed and cajoled and demanded. I had
been reading some spiritual books that said it was okay to demand
that the universe bring forth your good.

G 121 ~
 ED 110111•• 011 Top

T hese spiritual authors said that passion-

PaJJLonately demn.nding
ately demanding your good will make it
your ,9000 will ma.Ice it manifest itself sooner in your life, so I decid-
ma11ije.1t it.1elj .1001zer in ed to put this theory into action for myself.
your life.
Sure enough, within a week I met a man
who was interesting enough to date. He lived some distance away, so
we d idn 't see each other very often. But seeing him once or twice a
month and having someone of the opposite sex to talk to in between,
was enough to eradicate my sense of lack. We enjoyed each other's
company and had fun together, and I felt satisfied that my demand
had been answered. No longer did I fee l there was something missing
in my li fe .

.My minister came to my home one day to drop off a church project
and I invited her in. \\then she saw my crowded little apartment and
ti ny bedroom with my Spartan single bed, she commented, "Barbara,
you've been doing all this work to attract your soul mate, but look at
this place; there's no space for bim in your life. To manifest our dreams
we need to make space for them before they can appear."

I had to admit she was right. l thought I was all mentally and spir-
itually prepared for a great new relationship, but I certainly wasn't
prepared physically. If my life was truly going to expand, I had to
E3CJE3CJE3CJE!c:JC3t!lEU:l demonstrate my faith and bel ief by expand-
ing my physical environmen t. I was ready
To ma11ife.1t our drea11L:1 eve and able to pull it off financially.
11eeu to make ,1µnce for them
before they ean nppea1:
I put all my attention and energy into
building a new house so I could move out of
my cramped quarters into a home that would be comfortable for two
people. I kept my loving energy Howing into family a nd friends and
work. J put my trust in God to guide a nd direct me and concentrated
on being the kind of person I wanted to attract.

El 122 D
 Ltwing The Right 111011 [!;]
I moved into my new home and had a wonderful time decorating it
just t he way l wanted. I bought a whole bedroom set with a rea l bed
for the first time in my adult life. It was not just a mattress and spring
perched atop one of those cheap metal frames. I now had a beautiful
sturdy queen-size pine sleigh bed just like I always wanted. I was sur-
prised at how different it felt sleeping in that bed. It felt solid, secure,
and permanent. l never realized how insecure and temporary my other
bed felt. I was very proud of my new house and furniture. I felt like a
real adult at last, instead of a scared child pretending to be an adult.

i11eeting My Soul i11ate

Two weeks after my housewarming party I met my soul mate. It all
started severa.I months before, when a woman I knew showed up at
church one Sunday with a nice looking, neatly dressed guy in tow. ln
a sport coat and slacks, not blu e jeans - w ow I

"He's not from around here, is he?" I asked, "Where did you
meet him? ''

"On the Internet!" she replied.

"Are you serious?" I gasped! She told me there were lots of nice
men in our age group on Internet dating sites and encouraged me to
try the one where they met.

I put my profile and picture on the website and a whole new world
opened up to me. Quite a few men contacted me, and this gave me the
opportunity to practice and hone my skills at determining whether
t hey were worth the time and trouble to actually meet in person. I
was very specific about my basic requirements in my profile and it
amazed me to see how many g uys seemed to just ignore what they
read. I stated that I did not want a long distance relationship. He
m.ust live close enough geographically so we could see each other at
least twice a week. I'd get e-mails from New York, Florida, Texas.

O 125 G
 EJ Venu,1 On Tt1p

I stated flatly "no smokers. " Then I'd find out in a phone conversation
that the guy smoked! What were they thinking? Couldn't they read?

I did meet several good men and dated them for a period of weeks
or months, but no one really clicked with me. That was all right. It was
fun checking the In ternet site to see who contacted me, then writing
and talking to lots of d iffe rent men. Sure, a few were losers or idiots,
but most were just decent men who wanted to meet their special
woman and fall in love. The w hole experience restored my faith in the
male of the species. J saw that most men want someone to love just as
much as we women do. They touched my
E:3r:JDODDDt::lDEJCt::)
heart and strengthened my resolve to k eep
.i1fo,1l' men want Jomeone t he faith. T believed with all my heart that my
to love1iwt a.J much a,1 ll'e soul mate was out there looking for me and
women do.
wanting me as much as I wanted him.

read some of the success stories posted on the site and not iced
that in many cases, the woman had made the initial contact. It gave
me the confidence to try my own search instead of just responding to
those w ho contacted me. I wondered if there might be any one in ter-
esting who lived anywhere nearby. My search turned up dozens of
men who lived within an hour's drive.

Something immediately drew me to Stephen's profi le. He Lved in

a nearby town right at the bottom of the mountai n. His face was blur-
ry in his photo bu t he was wea1;ng a sleeveless tee shirt, w hich
revealed his mu scular upper arms. I'm a sucker for a great pair of
biceps, so I contacted him by e-mai l. In his profile he said he liked to
write poetry so in the subject line I w rote: "Your mu,1e await.1. "

He was intrigued by my message. He wasn't quite sure w hat a

muse was and had to look it up in the dictionary. (A muse is someone
who is an inspiration to an a1·tist, especially a poet). He told me later
that my clever, romantic line made his day.

0 12-1 D
 Lo,,ing The Right 11/1111 [!]
We wrote back and forth a few times, and then talked on the
phone for several weeks. He sounded rather casual on the phone and
I wasn't sure I wanted to meet him. He was persistent though, and
convinced me to meet him at a coffee house called Grow1d.J for
Enjoyment - little did I know how prophetic that would turn out to be!

I still didn 't know what his face looked like. Oh, but there was no
mistake about those biceps! I assumed his looks would be nothing spe-
cial because of the blurry photo. I kept my expectations low and my
mind open, so I wouldn't be disappointed, no matter what happened.

I was waiting outside when b.e pulled up in his purple Explorer.

He got out and walked toward me and my heart nearly stopped! He
was tall, slim, and extremely good looking, half-ltalian with dark hair
and eyes, an aqu iline nose, and strong jaw line. He was wearing a
black leather jacket that immediately reminded me of my old high
school swains back in New Jersey.

We said hello, and then he impulsively gave me a hug. It caught

me off guard but I [jked it, and it was okay with me that he did it.

We bit it off immediately. We talked for hours that first night and
before I drove back up the mountain I told him that he felt Like fam-
ily to me. He reminded me so much of my Italian family back east.
Being with him was easy and comfortable.

We dated, got engaged, and then married a year and three months
later. Needless to say, he is the quintessential Comet Man. So, of
course, he wanted a woman who was gutsy enough to make the ini-
tial contact. I understand that completely now.

If I had not do ne all that spiritual work before I met him, none of
thi.s would have come to be. H e is so grateful to have a woman in his
life who enjoys being in charge. And I am so grateful to have a man

El 125 Q
E3 Ve111tJ On Top
in my life who accepts and loves me for being t he complete Star
Woman that I am.

Great relationships are created through

your consciousness (as is everything else in
Great relationJhipJ are
created through your you r life). That's what 1 know to be true
conJcio1une.J.J, through my own experi.ence. Great love is
possible for every one of us, so don't give up l

This marriage has really challenged me to live the spiritual p rinci-

ples I profess to be lieve in. Like not judging other people no matter
how different they seem to be. Like totally accepting and loving
another human being exactly as he is.
What's important 1s to love and accept each
1fl hatJ importa.1it iJ to love other unconditionally.
anJ accept each other
wiconiJitin11ally.
When I envisioned my soul mate, I asked
God to send me the right man to love, the
rig ht man to help me g row spiritually. I d idn 't have any preconceived
ideas of what he looked like or what ki nd of work he did.

I realized that l really didn't know '"bat I needed, so I left it com-

pletely in God's hands. I didn't know alJ the information about men
a nd relationships I am sharing w ith you now. My new understanding
and e.A'Perience were hard-won and ['m happy to be able to share it
with you, so you won't have to make all the mistakes I made!

From Relation.1hip Ile[[ to R elation.Jhi'p Heaven

Now there's one last piece oF this puzzl.e that 1 want to tell you
about. It is about the process of going from relationship hell to rela-
tionship heaven. It was a very long and painful journey for me, but it
doesn't have to be that bad for you!

0 126 0
 Li1Pi11g The Right il1an £.a
These are my personal observations about the process. Being
raised Catholic I cannot resist the temptation to use some of my child-
hood religious terminology to describe the stages of the process. How
much time you spend in each stage is a very individual matter. It
depends totally on your consciousness and God's will. Here are the
stages as I see them:

I. Relationship Hell

Il. Relationship Purgatory

III. Relationship Limbo

rv. Relationship Heaven
I. Relationship Hell
The Time of Ignorance: This is the time period when you do not
know how to have a good relationship with a man. Your ego is run-
ning your life and you suffer through disappointments and disasters
in your attempts to love and be loved. If you don't learn your les-
sons through mildly painful experiences, you progress to more and
mo:re painful experiences. When you are finally willing to do what-
ever it takes to change your ways and change your life, you move
on to purgatory.

II. Relationship Purgatory

The Time of Healing: Your time in Purgatory is spent cleansing
and healing the emotional hurts that created your Hell. Here you
develop your spiritual philosophy and your personal connection to
your God or Higher Power. You educate yourself to understand how
the universe works. You learn the laws and principles that you can
use to better your life. You learn forgiveness and compassion. You
graduate from Purgatory armed with the basic tools and a new way
of thinking, which you need to attract y our good and create the life
you desire.

a 121 0
 9 Vm11.1 On Top

III. Relationship Limbo

The Time of Surrender: Limbo is a state of suspension, a time of
waiting, when you must learn to be patient. You know what you want
to create in your life now. You have healed your old hurts. You have
let go of the past. Yet your desired new mate has not yet appeared.

You can create your desired result in your mind in an instant, but
it can take days, weeks, or even years for it to appear in physical
~r:1£1Ge3l'.:J E'l~G G
9 9 form. There is no way to rush God. This is
when you learn to surrender your will to
.Ytmr .1oul mate appearJ God's will and let go of your expectations.
accoroi11g to Goo:1 timetable,
Your soul mate appears according to God 's
not your.1.
timetable, not y ours.

In some ways, Limbo is the most difficult period. In Hell there is lots
of act.ion and drama to occupy you. In Purgatory there is new knowl-
edge and skills to acquire, and changes to institute. In Limbo your life
settles into a relatively qui.et, less exciting routine that can lead to frus-
tration because things aren't happening fast enough for you. It can feel
like an endless trek through a parched desert. You must have faith and
live out your time in Limbo ·with grace and equanimity.

As I went through these four stages, I found the Limbo stage was
the hardest because the excitement of making big breakthroughs in
thought and dramatic changes in my life had passed. For protracted
periods of time_, life sailed along smoothly without any big problems.
I wasn't used to this !

Frankly, this stage seemed a bit dull to me, but it did make me
learn to surrender my will to God's. It was either surrender or drive
my friends and myself crazy with my complaints about not yet hav-
ing the right man in my life.

O 128 G
 During this time I listened to Caroline Myss's audiotape of a work-
shop she d id called Spti·itual i11adne.:/J. Her message convinced me that
s urrender was the only thing I could do, so surrender I did. And even-
tually I made it out of Limbo into the wonderful marriage I now have.

Iv. Relationship Heaven

The Time of GratituiJe: Your long-awaited soul mate appears at
last. Now it's time for you to learn how to love him and how to create
a relationship that fulfills both your needs. Learning this is a joyful
experience and you are continually thankfu l to God for sending you
the right person to love. This is the time to appreciate daily all the
good you are receiving.

''For one human being to W'1e another: that wperhaptl

the mo.;t difficult of our ta.:1k.J; the ultimate, the la.Jt tut
and proof, the work for which all other work it1 hut
preparation. "
-Rainer Maria Rilke

Now you know how to choose the rjght kind of man for your per-
sonality type. You will never look at men and dating the same way
once you have absorbed the material in this chapter. You also know
what to expect as y ou progress from Relationship Hell to
Relationship Heaven. You should be reeling a lot more confident that
you can attract a good man, then observe a nd test him to make sure
he 's t he right man for y ou.

The next question is: how do you treat him once he is yours? We
wi!J now delve into the secrets of how to create a great satis.fying sex
life with your man.

s 129 El
 Chapter 6

"God ga11e tt.1 all a penic1 and a brain hut only enough
blood to rttn one at a time."
~Robin. U'/iflia11w

r'J/J fomen have known for eons that sex to a man is like candy to
, fl a baby. He wants it, and he wants it right now. You know
that already. So men should not be in charge of sex. That's like put-
ting the cookie monster in charge of the cookies!

Don't get me wrong. I absolutely love men and I find the differences
between the sexes fascinating and delightful. lvlen are blessed with a
natural aptitude for focusing on one thing at a time and achieving
their goal. When he is focused on sex (which any man will tell you is
a good deal of the time) he can 't think about anything else. We've
already established how much men need our guidance in many areas
of life and sex is one of those areas.

!JO
£'1l!l9!Cl ~El~ t:1
 .... 1111:11 And Se., fil
If you have the guts to take charge of sex in y our relationship, your
life will be so pleasant and satisfying, you'll wonder why you ever
lived any other way. What I am about to teJl you in this chapter goes
against how "nice girls" are supposed to behave. But you've tried
being the nice girl and it hasn't gotten y ou what you want, has it?

If you want great romance and sex - plus a way to get y our man
to do his share of the domestic chores (or all of them -why not?), this
chapter is required reading.

If' you are a true Star \Voman, you are a visionary who is able to
look toward th e future and see the big p icture. You are more likely to
b e open to new ideas and 'villing to try new things. That is just what
l'm asking you to do now with r egard to y our sex life.

I don't eA.'Pect y ou to put the entire program into action in one fell
swoop. Just try whatever intrigues y ou and w hatever feels most com-
fortable right now. As y ou begin to try the techniques described and
see that they work, you'll gain confidence and get bolder. Star
Women always do!

Ifyou are an Earth 1\tlother you may not want to use these techniques
all the time, but you need to activate your Star Woman aspect now and
then to take charge of sex with your man. It is the best way to insure a
good balance of power in all areas of y ow· part-
nership. Your man needs to see and feel you r DDt3t:JG@GG.JOE19El
feminine power unleashed on his body to Your man needJ
remind him w hy he loves you and why his top to Jee and feel your
feminine power wzlea..1be'J
priority is to please you. on bi.1 hodiJ to remind him
why be l.ove.1 you a.110
So when I speak to S tar Women in this why bi.1 top priority
chapter I'm speaking to the S tar Woman in tJ to pleaJe you.
every woman.
Who ShouliJ Be i11 Charge?
This new sexual model of Venus On Top -- the woman in charge
- could well be the missing ingredient of the relationship recipe for
your romantic life.

Being a follower at the workplace would eventually frustrate and

bore the natu ral leader - the Star Woman. Why would the bedroom
be any different? Leaders are more assertive in general than the aver-
age person . We are likely to be more assertive - or even aggressive -
in the bedroom, too. Being in the "clutches" of such a woman is some-
thing most men only dream about. Does that surprise you?

One of the major complaints of married men is that they wish their
partners would initiate sex more. If you have a pretty high sex drive
already, your partner no doubt appreciates it. If your interest in sex
has waned over the years, these techniques may be just the ticket to
kick you back into high gear.

'7/
love an;J dex are .JUch natural phenonzeno1u, how
come there are Jo many book..i on how to?"
-Bette Mi()fer

Congratulations to all the Earth Mothers who are still with us!
You've got an adventurous spirit that I admire. Don't get discouraged
if some of this information seems too extreme for you at first. Just try
some of the milder ideas on your partner. And don't be surprised if he
asks for more!

The Slippery SliiJing Scale

Before we discuss the Venus on Top approach to sex, there's some-
thing we need to clear up. Despite the so-called sexual revolution,
and despite the proliferation of sexual images in the media, most
Americans are still very uptight about sex. If you want to have a
woman-led marriage - or to experiment with woman-led lovemalcing

s u2 m
-you've got to get past those old puritan attitudes about sex in which
only certain practices are considered proper.

Each of us has our own slippery sliding scale of what's acceptable

for us. I call it the slippery sliding scale because that's just what it is.
The "OK" marker keeps sliding further down the line as you go along
in ]ife. What was unacceptable yesterday becomes acceptable today
for society in genera] - and for individuals in particular.

Remember when you first learned there was such a thing as

French kissing? As a pubescent girl you probably thought it was
"yucky" - something you wouldn't be caught dead doing. Yet sooner
or later you found yourself French kissing some boy and enjoying it.
You started down your very own slippery s liding scale.

There is no such thing as absolute right and wrong. Even the Pope
takes a slide down the scale now and then. Remember when
Catholics were not allowed to eat meat on Fridays and Catholic
women had to cover their heads in church? Both of those rules are
ancient history now. Times change, people cbange- and we each
need to consciously choose and adopt our own set of values about
what is acceptable for us.

uvanilla n Sex
The typical marriage consists of a basic diet of vanilla sex. This is
the kind of sexual activity (like intercourse and oral sex) that the
majority of people in our culture believe is acceptable "normal" sexu-
al behavior between husband and wife. The man initiates (or begs, or
whines, or makes you feel guilty) and you give in to keep the peace.
The man makes love to the woman, so you feel like sex is something
that is done to you. The man is always satisfied - the woman is some-
times satisfied.

e u; El
 E3 Ve1111.• 011 Tc1p

I t is rare when you can really communicate to each other about

what turns you on, how you like to be touched, or what your deepest,
darkest fantasies are. Maybe you spice things up now and then and
get adventurous with videos, sex toys, or bondage g·ames.

If' you're lucky and manage to keep the spark of your early
romance alive, you sometimes have great sex with your long-term
partner. But, most likely, you settle down into a routine and accept it
because "that's how it is when you're married."

It doesn't have to be like t hat. In a

woman-led marriage, the woman can lead in
The woman can leaJ
in the bedroom, too. And it t'.1 the bedroom, too. And it is actually better
actually helter when Jhe 'JoeJ. when s he does.

Star Women like to be in control most of

the time. Being in control in the bedroom is a great way to give free
rein to all your diva fantasies. Be your most haughty, demanding self.
Let the bitch in you come out to play. Push your man down on the
bed, get on top, and tell him he is now in your power and you mean
to have your way with him. This is nearly every man's secret fantasy
and he will absolutely love it.

The Three Platinum. Rule<1 for Satufying Se..~

Remember that sex to a man is like candy to a baby. He wants it,
and he wants it right now. You know that. What you don't know is
that it is your privilege, your right, and yes, your duty, to take control
of the sex in your relationship.
~OCc::JCDHD~moo

It 1~1 your pri11i/.ege, your You will of course need to first talk over
r~qht, and ye.J, your duty, to these rules with your man and get his agree-
take control of the Jex in
ment on them. Men like clear-cut rules. They
your re/atignJhip.
like to know where they stand and exactly

t3 JJ4 El
 ;Tl/en A11J Se.x 5J
what is eh.-pected of them. Here are the th ree simple rules for sex
guaranteed to keep y ou and y our man happy:

The Three Platinum Rules

Rule #1. The primary goal of sex is t he woman's pleasure.

Rule #2. The woman decides if, when, where, and how.

Rule #3. \.Vhen you forget Rule #2, refer to Rule # 1.

Rule #I should be ironclad in any marr iage. Rule #2 is an individ -

ual preference. Some couples make it their every day style with an
occasional exception when the woman is in a particularly magnani-
m ous mood. Some couples make it a sometime, or most-of-the-time,
thing. You need to experiment to find the right amount of control for
you and your partner. This is your relations hip so have it y our way.

These rules are really very simple. You may be a little shocked
because you've never heard of anything so outrageous as these three
little rules. I was shocked, too, when I first discovered them.

Powerful w omen like Cleopatra and priestesses of the Great

Goddess have used these rules throughout the ages to keep their men
intrig ued, enthralled , and hungering for more.

I was curious enough and brave enough to give these audacious,

ti me-tested rules a try and they are now the cornerstones of my mar-
riage. My husband is as happy with these rul.es as I am. Trust me.
They wodc

Rule #1: The primary goal of sex is the woman's pleasure.

Women are very sensitive to their surroundings and circumstances
- especially when making love. Most like having a relaxing physical
setting a nd plenty of uninterrupted time available for that special
time. Women require more romance, more foreplay, more stimula-

a 155 8
ma Vc!1111J 011 Jhp

tion, and more time to reach orgasm than men. Women need to be "in
the mood" to have a really good sexual experience.

Rarely does a man have a problem reaching orgasm. When isn't he

"in the mood?" A man can have sex at the drop of a hat, and r each a
climax before it hits the floor if he's not careful.

We women just don't operate like that. So it makes logical sense

that the one with the special needs should be the one calling the shots.

"If it'd true that men are auch hea.1&, tbL4 11uut account
for the fact that nwat women are animal lovel'd.,,
~DorL'.f Day

Men Are SfutJ

Let's face it. Men are sluts. They will do practically anything for
you i.f they think it means getting laid. This is a good thing for us. It
gives us lots of leverage. Don't forget we're talking about th e good
men here - the ones who sincerely want to please us. The other ones
are sl uts, too, but they don't have the desire to please. We don't give
those types the privilege of our company.

We stick with the good guys who want to give us pleasure and
total satisfaction in bed, but they don't always know how. A good
man feels successful and proud of himself when he has done some-
thing that pleases his woman.

If you don't believe me, then li sten to someone who is an expert on

relationships, the best-selling author of the Venus and Mars series,
and a happily married man:

'When a man fovea a woma.ll bia primary goal u to

make her happy. "
-John Gray

c 156 El
 Making his woman happy is a good man's
p rime directive, his reason for living and lov- A good man /eek Jucce.JJjuL
ing. A man who truly loves you and wants to alld proud of hi11uelj' when he
make y ou happy will have no problem w ith ha.J done .1omethi11g that
plea.Ju bi.I woman.
this rule.

No Gue.Ming For Him

When you tell your man that sex is now first and foremost initiat-
ed/managed by you for your pleasure and his responsibility is sec-
onda1y, he will be relieved. Up to this point he's been guessing and
hoping that he's pleasing you sexually . When you take charge it
means no guessing for him. H e will be happy to give you carte
blanche to do whatever pleases you in bed, because it takes the per-
formance pressure off h im.

As a woman of power you take responsibility for everything in your

life. That includes your sexual pleasure. You are responsible only for
yours, not his. You must wipe any thought or concern about his p leas-
ure out of your mind entirely. He will have his pleasure easily enough
without any extra effort on your part. You
come fi rst (literally!).
A.t a womaJZ ofpower
I bet no one ever told you this before! you take reJpOJZJihi!ity for
Now you see why learning to receive is so everything in your life.
That inclu.'Je.t your
important. Putting your own pleasure before
Je.-c,ual p/eaJ1u·e.
your man's goes against everything w e were
taught about how a woman is supposed to
behave.

The fi rst time you put your pleasuse first, it may feel a little
strange, but don't worry, y ou will learn to really enjoy it. And y ou will
see the wisdom of this method. It frees you to focus on doing what
gives you pleasure. Your man wants you to have that pleasure! He is

a 1;1 0
ED Vmu~ 011 Top
your consort - eager to please his exotic goddess. It gives him untold
pleasure seeing you enjoy yourself. When you are happy his prime
directive is fulfilled and then he's happy.

''When I'm goo'iJ I'm very, 11ery good hilt when I'm. had
I'm hetter.,,
-Mae Wec:1t

Treat Him Like Your Sex Toy

Be totally selfish when you make love to your man. Men love to be
used, so use him for all he's worth. Show him or tell him in graphic
terms what you want him to do. Time has no meaning when you are
making love this way. Be ruthless a nd don't give a single thought to
how long it may take you to reach a climax. Treat him like your sex
toy. Don't aHow him to climax until you are satisfied. An aroused -
but unsatisfied - man is highly motivated to pleasure you. Once he
has an orgasm, that high level of enthusiasm can disappear.

Some of you ,ivill. talk about these ideas with your man and get a
positive reaction immediately. Perhaps your man even gave you this
book. In that case you don't even need to ask what he thinks - you
already know. What are you waiting for, girl? Go for it!

A.1k.ing PermiMion
On ce you and your partner agree on Rule # 1 (the primary goal of
sex is the woman's pleasure) you will see that there is a natural corol-
lary to this rule:

Corollary to Rule # 1: The man must always ask permission

from the woman to climax.

Men who are exceptionally sensitive to a woman's feelings and

eager to please her may well have developed this gallant habit on
their own. They wouldn't dream of taking their pleasure unless they

c:3 158 c:J

 1/fe11 AJ1J Se.r. ltJ
are sure it is alright with tbeir woman. And the only way for them
to be really sure is to ask. Some men find it exquisitely arousing to
give control of their orgasm to their woman. For this kind of man it
can actually turn him on more if you tell him he may not come until
you say so.

If your man isn't asking perm ission from you already but agrees
that your pleasure comes first, then it shouldn't be difficult to get him
in the habit of asking y ou. Nearly all women experience times when
sexual activity has been very pleasurable, but for one reason or
another she's not sure she really needs or wants to have an orgasm.
At times like these when a man asks penn.ission it gives you an oppor-
tunity to assess y our feelings and make a clear decision about whether
you want to keep going or not.

Because you are the one making the decision you will have no
resentment if you allow him to climax while you do not. And your
man will have no reason to feel guilty about it because you have told
him straight out that this is your choice. If a man thinks he has not
done his job of' pleasing you unless you have an orgasm, he will feel
like a failure when you do not climax. When asking permission
becomes a normal part of sex for him, he will be happy to do it
because he won't have to guess about it or feel bad or guilty ever
again. And y ou won't have to fake it ever again!

Premature F/aculatwn
Only a man who has learned some self-control can be successful at
asking permission and following your desire. Many men are able to
learn to delay their orgasm on their own, but many are not. If your
man ejaculates prematurely encow·age him (or insist, if necessary) to
educate himself in techniques that enable him to control or at least
delay his climax.

E'.3 159 CJ
m Vmw On Tt!p

The ancients knew these techniques and today you can learn them
through the many sex educational videos, books, and classes avail-
able. This problem can easily cause anger and resentment to build up
in you over time - but it is entirely avoidable. Your man will be so
happy and proud of himself when he uses his new self-control skills
to produce more pleasure for you .

J1ut For Tonigh~ Honey

If you're unsure and not ready to talk about the rules yet, there's a
slower approach you can use. You take one baby step at a time and
then see how you both fee l about it before taking another. I call it the
Just For Tonight, Honey method. You tell him you want to try some-
thing a little different in bed. All he has to do is what he is told to do.
You want to be in charge but it's just for tonight. That way there is no
pressure on either of you. It's just for tonight and if one of you does-
n't like it, no one is under any obligation to do it ever again.

l\ll.ost men will fall all over themselves saying yes! to this. Have
him lie on his back with you on top. Kiss, touch, and do whatever else
feels good to get yourself very aroused before you have intercourse.
Take your time. Don't worry about him because whatever you do for
yourself' will get him aroused, too.

Put Him. in the "Zonen

Then, sometime during intercourse, take his hands in yours and
hold them down firmly over his head as you keep going until you cli-
max. This will give you both a little taste of sex with the woman in
charge. Tell him his job is to hold off climaxing untiJ you are through
with him.

Have a little p ity on him; take a break and stop moving if he gets
too close to orgasm. If you are not too far gone yourself by this time,

c 140 [!]
open your eyes and look into his. If you see a glazed look in hi s eyes
and he seems to be off into another dimension and can't even speak,
you have sent him into the zone.

A man who reacts this way to your small gesture of control is a

man who has a submissive streak that you may utilize to your mutu-
al benefit. Being under your control and in the zone is such an incred-
ibly p leasurable sensation to him that he will crave it more and more.
As he learns that pleasing you outside t he bedroom can put you in the
mood to put him in the zone, he becomes more eager to please. It's a
lovely pattern of behavior to create.

Ifyou enjoy it, you can play more of these kinds of games with him
from time to time. He will probably ask for more if he enjoyed being
put in the zone.

Don't feel obligated to do anything for

him unless you want to and you enjoy it.
A.1 be l£a.mJ tba.t
Personally, I get a kick out of putting my man pluuing yoll oal.11'Je tbe
into the zone. It gives me a feeling of power bedroom. can pul yotL in tbe
nwod to put him in the zone,
and control that's just a natural high for a
he becom.e.1 nwre eager to
Star Woman. plea.1e. It'd a lovely pattern
of behavior to create.
Once you see how fun and fulfilling it is
for you to be in control, you can talk about
putting Rule #1 into place permanently. Or you can make it your pre-
rogative to invoke Rule #1 only when you are in the mood for it and
have vanilla sex when you're not. If your man has a fairly deep sub-
missive streak, he may welcome the structure of having all three rules
in place even sooner than you will.
Rule #2: The woman decides if, when, where, and how.
This rule probably seems even more preposterous than Rule #1.
But let me remind you that as a Star Woman leader and visionary,
you have quite a dominant personality. Chances are, the man who
loves you has a submissive streak in him. You are attracted to each
other because you balance each other out. This is exactly the right
kind of man for women like us. He enjoys your dominant personality
and likes it w hen you take control. You know that you enjoy being in
control, so why fight it?

If you are a Star Woman like me you don 't like anyone telling you
what to do in the bedroom, the boardroom, or anywhere else. So
relax, accept, and love yourself the way you are. Your man sure does.

'1'm tough, I'm amhitiou.1, and I know exactly what

I want. If tbat m.ake.J me a hitch, okay."
-MtUJ011na

Rule #2 works only if you really love your man. When he agrees
to this rule he is really putting his fate in your hands. He is trusting
that you have such a high level of integrity that you will see that his
need for sex is met. Yes, we know that men are sluts and will do any-
thing for sex. The hunger for sex is hard-wired into his brain and you
can 't change it, so you might as well accept and enjoy it.

'7magine what will happen to thu nation if large

numhert1 ofAnzericall 111011u11. .1tart UJing the Wonderhra.
It will he cata.Jtrophic. The male half of the population
will he nothing hut 11ziniJle<1<1 drooling Zombie.1 of Lu.1t.
Granted, thi.1 t'.I al.10 true non" hut it will be even worJe."
-Dave Barry

Men are very driven by their hormones to attempt to propagate

the species every chance they get. But we have to understand that
men, especially the good ones, have a tender place in them as well. To

El 142 c:'J
 1/tlen And Se.i: m
him, your attention to his sexual needs is evidence of your love for
him. Your man needs sex Llke a p)ant needs water. His love for you
won't survive without it. Physical closeness and sexual activity with
you are his way of being close and intimate
eu:!le3 CS'1 ~ ~ mramtE!em
with you. If he doesn't get some at least now
and then he may well conclude that you don't 11> him, your attention
to hi..1 Je.-r.ual need.I ii evidence
love him anymore. of your lo11e for him.

This doesn't mean that you give him all

the sex he wants whenever he wants it. That would be foolish and
take up way too much time. No, the key is to keep him on low boil
most of the time with occasional full-blown sexual escapades that end
with one or more orgasms for you and sometimes (but not always)
one for him.

When you are in control of if, when, where, and how the sexual
activities happen, you are never bored with sex and neither is he. I
only make love when I feel like it. However, when my husband and
I do make love he gets a woman who is totally in the moment with
him. He knows I'm enjoying myself (remember Rule #1 ?) and he
knows that I really want to do this with him (or to him as the case
may be).

I can be my naturally whimsical and capricious self and it works

to the advantage of our relationship. He is often off-balance wonder-
ing what's coming next and when. He never knows when I'll be in the
mood. Frankly, neither do I! I'm free to be myself and express myself
sexually exactly as I choose, when I choose.

Rule #3: ff you forget Rule #2, refer to Rule # 1.

This last rule is important, especially for couples that do not use
Rule #2 all the time. Even though the man may be allowed to initiate
or ask for sex, he must never be allowed to forget Rule # l.
 If you let him slide on this, your whole relationship will slide
downhill, too. Before you know it, his burning desire to please you
wi ll deteriorate into a feeble flicker. He may start to get the unholy
idea that his pleasure is more important than yours. You must never
allow this to happen.

I think you will see that once Rule # l is in place, you will have lit-
tle problem putting Rule #2 a nd Rule #3 in place. Do it and your
romantic happiness is secured.

Since I am well past menopause, my level of sexual desire is not as

high a s it used to be. I have to pay more attention to myself and mal(e
sure my sensuous side doesn't get neglected or lost in the shuffle of
everyday routine. My husband is always doing nice things to entice
that part of me out to play, like making candleLlt dinners for us and
having a drink and a spotless house ready for me when I come home.
We are always very affectionate to each other every day.

Because I love him, I want to meet his needs for sex. But those
needs can be met any number of ways. Sex doesn't always have to
mean intercourse. Some men find it a real turn on if you order them
to masturbate for y ou, or if you do it for them. You being in control
of his orgasm can be a really fun experience and a terrific turn-on for
both of you. Seeing your man utterly vul-
GUlrc3t:JSt::JBl'1lmBGG) nerable and helpless with pleasure in front
Seeing your man utle1·ly of you is so gratifying a nd amusing. If you
vulnerahte and helplu.1 with have never done this to your man, you are
pleaJure i11 front of you id Jo
gratifying and a11uui11g. missing a great experience. It's time to start!

There are endless ways to be creative in

the exercise of Rule #2. Here are just a few to get you started. I'm sure
you' re ve1y creative and ·will come up with other ideas that are just per-
fect for you and your partne r. We'U break it down into creative ideas
for each of the four parts of Ru1e #2 (i.e., If, When, Where, and How).

£l.1 144 t::l

If
Making your man guess about whether he
is going to get some is about the oldest Never u11lJerutimate
woman's game in the world. Never underes- the power of tbe tea..1e.
timate the power of the tease.

Never feel guilty about arousing him into a rock hard erection, and
then telljng him you have to go make a phone call. He'll live.

Wbe/l
Tease him with a promise of things to come (maybe). Start think-
ing of an orgasm as a "treat" for him and tell him you might give him
a treat tonight. Call him at work and tell him you have a treat wait-
ing for him after work today . Don't get into the habit of having sex at
the same time of the day. Wake him up in the m orning and give him
a treat before work. Keep shifting the times around so neither of you
gets into a rut.

ll7bere
For women like me who work at home, home can seem like a very
unsexy place. Home is where I work, so I tend to th ink a great deal
about w ork when I'm at home. Many days I'm home all day and the
only time I go out is to walk the dog.

Get me away from my workplace into a different environment and

1 perk right up and start thinking about other things! Weekend get-
aways to anywhere are great. Don't forget the great outdoors either.
Some people find that a setting with some danger of being caught
makes them as horny as a high schooler. At the very least, don 't
always make love in your bedroom.

How
Sex can be anything that gives you pleasure. It doesn't have to
always end in orgasm for one or both partners. 1\llassage each other,
ED V.'1111« On Top

feed each other, play with vibrators, and other sex toys, try something
a li ttle bit kinky. Your man would probably go bonkers if you t ied him
to a chair and teased him unmercifully, or if you made him watch you
masturbate.

Yo u w ere probably a big tease in high school. I know I was. Bring

that mischievous girl back and give her free rein to drive y our man
crazy! He will love it .

But What if He id Really KinktJ?

T he kind of man who is attracted to a powerful woman may have
a submissive streak in him. Submissive in t his context does not mean
weak or wimpy; it means that he finds it se)cually arousing to give up
control to a woman . But what if he is really kinky? Women need to
be aware of the fact that we might well attract a man whose sexual
desires are considered extreme or outside the norm.

Your soul mate may want y ou to do more than lead or guide; he

may want y ou to actually dominate him in bed and out. He may have
a fetish for high heels and nylons, leather, or rubber. He might be
masochistic and want you to spank or whip him or humiliate him ver-
bally. .H e might want to b e tied up and gagged or be "forced" to wear
fe min ine articles of clothi ng.

T his all sounds rather s hocking, but there are some people w ho
make these activities a regular part of their sex lives. A great many
look just like the coup le next door and lead lives no different than the
average except for their sexual activi ties.

''I truly feel that there are a..1 marLy wayc1 of loving ac1
there are people in the world afld a.1 there are day.J in the
livM of thoc1e p eople. ''
-A1anJ Steichen Ca/;)erolle

t'3 146 D
 111en 1l11r) Stx EJ
About 5 percent to LO percent of the general population are turned
on by these kinds of things and are what we would consider "kinky."
Every woman needs to discover whether her man falls into this cate-
gory well before she ever considers marrying him.

Many a man hides his kinkiness from his girlfriends and later, his
wife . Then years later, he decides he can't Lie about it anymore or she
discovers his little secret. This is potentially a OCil&@EiSSc::letzJSIEl
terrible blow when they have already created
a family together. Most women would feel Yo1t duer11e to k11mv exactly
what you are .J~qning OIL for
like they had been betrayed or had been liv-
before you tie the knot.
ing a lie. You deserve to know exactly what
you are signing on for before you tie the knot.

Star Women are usually pretty sexually adventurous. You might

find that you enjoy indulging your lover in his fantasies now and then.
Some women discover that they have a sadistic streak and enjoy play-
acting at being cruel and inflicting a little bit of pain on this more than
willing victim - within reason, of course. Before you try any kind of
sexual activities involving possible pain for either partner, you must
educate yourself about how to do these activities safely. See the bib-
liography for the best books on this subject for beginners!

Role-playing fantasies can be a lot of fun. You can be the Amazon

Queen and he, your captive sex slave (most men would jump at the
chance to be a sex slave!). It's a way of letting
ar:Ja0ac:Ja0ar::icr::J
your shadow side out to play and some peo-
ple find this liberating. People who have People who ha1•e <1tro11g
dominance/<1uh11u:Mi011
strong dominance/submission fantasies and
fmtta.Jie.1 and oe.1irec1 a.re
desires are never completely satisfied with a !lever completely <1a.t1:,jied
steady diet of vanilla sex. with a .Jteady uiet of
vanilla .Je.1:.

9 147 El
m !le111M 011 Top

uz
''You don't appreciate a lot of Jtujf .1chool until you
get older. Little tbi119.1 like heillfl <1panlc.ed ePery day hy a
middle aged woman: Stu.ff you pay good nwnetJ for in
later lije. "
__,E11w Philip.:1

Responsible people who regularly participate in these kinds of

activities advocate a simple motto: "Safe, Sane, and Consensual." This
means partners discuss beforehand which activities are acceptable for
each one and which are not. No one initiates an activity unless their
partner has consented to it in advance. Partners agree to a "safe word"
so they can immediately bait the action or "scene" by saying that word.
Responsible partners do not engage in an
unsafe or dangerous practice ev en if their
Re.1pon.1ible partner.1 Jo not partner desires it. If you want to explore this
engage in an muafe or subject more, there are good, informative
Jangerou.1 practice e11en {f
their partner de.1ire,1 it. books listed in the bibliography.

I feel that it is my responsibility to

include the subject of non-traditional sexual behaviors because, if
your future mate has these tendencies, you vvill want to know soon-
er, rather than later. You don't want to find out after you've had a
couple of children that he's going to a professional dominatrix or i.s
addicted to kinky porn sites or magazines.

[f a man has a deep need for things Like bondage, physical disci-
p line, humiliation, or cross-dressing, it will not go away no matter
how hard he tries to deny it. Earn his trust and get i.t out in the open
fairly early on in the relationship.

Do some research and reading so you understand what it is that he

wants and needs. Kinky men are rarely molesters or rapists. They
simply become highly sexually aroused by objects or activities that
other people do not find arousing in the same way.

~ 148 G
 Men AJl() St::i: Ci]
No matter how much you thin k you love him, if you cannot accept
a man's kinkiness, don't marry him.

You cannot have a relations hip of true intimacy if y ou cannot be

honest with each other about sex. Lots of couples experiment with
kinky sex activities as an added turn-on or for &3EJf!C!l~U~.leSGEJ&.3 0
variety, but on]y as a prelude to the usual
forms of vanilla sex. This might be something You ca11not have a
relati0tubip of true intimacy
that arouses your curiosity. There is nothing if you camwt be bone.ft with
wrong with experimenting to experience it for each other about Jea;.
yourself and to enrich your romantic life
together.

The vast majority of women who enjoy kinky sex are first intro-
duced to it by their partner and find that they like it. Some men r eport
that it can be like opening Pandora's box - they pry open the lid for
her and then end up with more than they bargained for! Now they've
got a woman who is kinkier than they are, although I doubt any of
them are really complaining about this!

But if kinky activities ar e not your thing, don't try to pretend they
are just to keep your man. Do him and y ourself a favor by ending the
relationship if you know you don't want to ecuEtt2JWGJ&!GE!@Eal'a
engage in these activities. Never forget Rule
#1 - y our pleasure comes first. You are not You are 1wt obligated to
do anything for hint that
obligated to do anything for him that you you don't want to do.
don't want to do.

Be a woman of integrity. If your man trusts you enough to tell you

about his most secret sexual fantasies, that information is not to be
shared with anyone without his consent. Be happy that he thinks that
you are compassionate enough that he can open up to you. Don't
judge him or punish him for being honest with you. Be a woman of
integrity.

~ 149 El
 El VerulJ On Top
Ca11 I Live With Thu?
.M ake your own determination: "Can I live with this?" If you can't
live with it, your relationship has no future. It is best for both of you
to recognize that fact and part amicably.

Men often have trouble talking about these things because they
fear being judged and they fear losing you. As a powerful woman who
is now aware of these possibilities, you must insist on getting the
whole truth before you commit yourself to him. If you suspect his
submissive streak is as deep as a canyon, tie him up and interrogate
him like a strict schoolmistress - I guarantee he'll confess!

If you are married and among those wives whose husband has
finally confessed his little secret to you, I hope you will find it in your
heart to have compassion for him. He has probably tried every way
he can to bury and deny that part of him. He
9r:JGt:JEJE:l9B~tn~8
would prefer to be "normal" if he had a
Real love i.J being willing choice, but he does not have a choice. That
to accept another perJon with is the way he is made.
all their virtue.1 aJ well
a.1 all their fault.1.
If you are confronted with this situation
you will have to search within yourself for the
true definition of love. Real love is being willing to accept another per-
son with all their virtues as well as all their faults.

It is easy to love the good parts of anyone.

The real test comes when we see something
It u ea.1y to love
the .'Jllbd part.I of anyone. in our beloved that we cannot understand.
The real te.1t come.1 whm we The true meaning of love is to find it in your
Jee ,1omething in our heart to accept your partner's sexual nature,
beloved that we can1i11t
unJer.1tanu. no matter how strange it may seem to y ou.

S l.'iO 8
----------- ~
111en And Se.-1: r...

"I love you not only for 111hat you are, but for 111hat I am
when I am with you. I love you not only for what you
have made of yotm1elj, hut for what you are making of
me. I love Y"tt for the part of nu that you bring out. ,,
-Elizaheth Barrett Browning

The following is a beautiful message found on an Internet discus-

sion group, reprinted anonymously with the author's permission. It
was posted in response to a man's question about how he could get
his wife to accept his submissive desires. What an eloquent, deep
expression of this woman's love and compassion for her husband.

To: DOMestic
Subject line: Looking for help
From: John A.
Can anyone advise me how I can get my wife to be more domi-
nant? She refuses to try even the most mild things like giving me a
light spanking. I love my wife but my fantasies and desires just
won't go away, and seem to be getting stronger.

To: DOMestic
Subject line: Responding to your request for help
From: Anonymous
My husband has a submissive side which I was not expecting to
see.• nor was l experienced or familiar with it at a ll. At first I was
even frightened and alarmed by what he was sharing with me.
At times f was annoyed, really, for one example, lam not turned
on seeing people get spanked or by receiving spankings (it pisses me
off) or giving them-to me this is not sexua l at all. But time has
passed and I am learning and growing in this area because I LOVE
MY HUSBAND. I ACCEPT HIM-ALL OF HIM-WITHOUT
RESERVATION.
Everyone has a secret place in their mind they go to when reach-
ing orgasm. l have a place, you have a place, my husband has a
place. l\tly place, the place that seems most erotic and naughty to me
and always sends me over the edge is not as intricate, or highly

£:3 151 0
ED V.:1111J On Top

developed or even physically as practiced as the place my husband

has. But it is the same essential concept.
The place where he experiences fulfillm ent is not HIM. It is the
"place" just like the "place" I use or you use or the man down the
street uses.
My husband is the most wonderful perso n in the world. He is
separate and different from that place he uses to climax sexually.
Just as me, the mother, employee, grandmother, volunteer, daugh-
ter, sister am different fro m the place I visit to climax sexually.
My sexual place is a small part of my life. 1-lis sexual place 1s but
one facet of his life a nd activity. His p lace is different than mine. [,
at times, do not relate to his place. M.ost of the time, his place and
the way he uses it, wou ld not serve as a sexual turn on for me.
I love that my husband trusts me to even know of this- he sh ares
this with me and it makes us very close. 1 love that my husband
wants me with him in his place and needs me there. I love t hat h e
shares my place with me because he loves me and I think he loves
that I share his place with him because I love him.
I have discovered there are facets of his place that I can enter
into that do serve to turn me on and we both now can enjoy, at
times, w hat it is that he needs.
1 have discovered there are facets of his place that I cannot relate
to, that do not t urn me on and that annoy me actually. Those pa rts
or times a re times when I participate or just be with him because I
love him and he deserves to have w hat he perceives as pleasure in
his life whether I perce ive this as pleasure or not or even understand
it or n ot-it doesn't matter-it works for him and he deserves to have
something that wo1-ks for him.
My husband is responsible, manly, capable, a good crbzen, a
most excellent father, a nd he is the b est husband 1 could ever hope
to find in every way. However, his place would be perceived by the
ma instream as odd and gay or fem or weird. I value my husband
and 1 value his honesty a nd l value his trust of me and I value that
he desires to share as much of b.is heart a nd life with me as is possi-
ble and he desires to be real with me.

&a 152 0
 111.:n And Se.-c EJ
I hope y our wife, even if she feels stupid participating and even
if she thinks it is stupid of you to have these ideas, begins to try and
find a way to join you in your place-if just for your occasional pleas-
ure alone-or hopefully for mutual satisfaction some day.
I hope she recognizes the courage, tbe faith, the trust, the hope,
you have placed in her and her love for y ou by sharing what is true
and real for you. J hope she learns to value you and accept you-all
of y ou-not just the public you or the readjly understandable you.
1\'1y heart would just break, to know my husband was so sad. I
would stand on my head-do almost w hatever-to help him. She
needs to stop rejecting y ou in my opinion. You need and deserve to
be accepted by your wi fe .
Of all the people in the world she should be your closest and best
fri end and truly a part of you-and in my opinion if she truly
LOVES Y O U she wi ll accept you-all sides of you-both interesting
a nd not so interesting Facets of y ou, both the sides she understands
and relates to and the sides of you she doesn't.
If she loves you she will make the effort. If she does not love you
1 don 't think she w ill care enough about you to do so.
1 hope you work it out-Life is short.
-Anony mous

If that message is not a perfect example of unconditional love in

action, t hen I don't know what is.

But what about Ru le #1, you're asking? I thought that my p1eas-

ure comes first and I don't have to do anything that doesn't please me.
Yes, that is the rule. B ut consider this: this woman 's husband is a good
husband and father and she truly loves him and values having him in
her life. She wants to give him pleasure. She sometimes participates
in things with h er husband that she doesn't understand or really
enjoy. This she does consciously and willingly because s he wants to
meet his needs. Thi s is the ultimate gift of love - to care as mu ch
about your partner's needs as y our own .

D 153 El
 &J fle1111J On Top

"Thi.1 id the miracle that happen.1 every time to tboJe

who really l.ove; the nwre they .11i11e~ the nwre thetJ
ptMJeJJ.,, -Rainer l11aria Rilke

Having an intimate, loving relationship with that special person is

something all of u s desire deep in our hearts. We give lip service to
how much we want to love and be loved, but
mrn mm era e t:J mC:J a 0 achieving true intimacy requires courage
Achievillg true intimacy and commitment. The big rewards go to
require.t courage and
grown-ups who are willing to see and be
comnzibnen t.
seen from the gnmge to the glory and every-
thing in between.

The information and insights about men and sex you've learned
here take most w ome n decades to discover. Some of us stumble onto
this lmowledge one little piece at a time. Some of us never discover
any of it and just keep on suffering. You now have the tools and tech-
niques to take as much control as you need to have a satisfying and
romantic sex life with y our man.

You may b e wondering how a real life Comet Man th inks and feels
about being married to a Star Woman . In the next chapter you'll find
out as I give you the highlights of my interviews w ith some estimable
Comet M en who love and adore their powerful Star Women part-
ners, and wouldn't have it any other way.

a 154 G
 Chapter 7

7'!te 111Mt~ P~p~

WAy$~teadd

"The brave.1t thing that men do iJ love women."

-Mort Sahl

e1' •his chapter reveals the inner workings of the minds of three
men who are proud partners in women-led marriages. I inter-
viewed each of them to give you some insight and tangible proof that
there are, indeed, men out there who enjoy being married to a pow-
erful woman.

I deliberately chose not to interview any stay-at-home dads

because many of them have been pushed into that choice by econom-
ic factors. The men I interviewed all have grown children from their
first marriage and no children in their current marriage. I wanted to
speak with men whose only motivation to be in a woman-led marriage
is that they are happy and satisfied in it.

155
er:Je0~0Eacu
e Ven11..1 On Top

One, of course, is my own husband, Stephen, a musician. We a lso

have Robert, a graphic design consultant whose wife is an editor. And
Alex, a retired electrician who is now his minister wife's right hand
man. All three men are in second marriages now after being divorced
from long-term (average 20+ years) first marriages. The complete
text of the interviews can be found in Appendix A. Here I'll summa-
rize my findings about the male viewpoint from these three formal
interviews and from informal conversations I have had with other
Comet Men who are married to Star Women.

Before I met my husband I had been living in the little mountain

town of Big Bear Lake for about three years. As I got acquainted with
more of the people in my community I came to be friends with many
more married couples than I had ever social ized with when I lived in
Los Angeles. I began to notice that many of the strong dynamic
women who were business owners and leaders in local organizations
had really great husbands. I observed these couples and made them
my mental models for the kind of relationship I wanted to have.

The h usbands of these women intrigued me because each and

every one of them exhibited such a respectful, proud, almost wor-
shipful attitude whenever he ta.Heed about his wife. He openly
admired her talents and accomplishments and was happy to do what-
ever was needed to support her with her work or with the family.
These relationships seemed to be quite harmonious - without com-
petitiveness or power struggles.

Yet these admi rable husbands were not weak, wimpy, or depend-
ent men. They were strong and masculine, yet kind and caring at the
same time.

These were solid, enduring pa1-tnerships between people who

obviously loved each other. Rather than being jealous and resentful

c 156 O
 Thi! Afan:, P..r.•pu li1•( - !Why She Lead.1 c:J
that I didn 't have that kind of marriage yet, I looked at them and said,
"That's the club 1 want to join!"

A Different Form of Partnert1hip

l believe the initial idea for this book was born out of my observa-
tions of' this different form of partnership - although it took a few
more years for me to attract my partner and develop that kind of rela-
tionship for myself.

So who are these men a nd how do they

think? Are they reaJly a n unusual and rare Are they .Jimply human
type of pe1·sonality, or are they simply human hei119J 111h" happen to he
beings w ho happen to be male, but have male, hut have refiwed to
buy into the cullLLral
refused to buy into the cultural stereotype of .Jtereotype of bow a man iJ
how a man is supposed to behave? .mppoJed to behave?

Unaware of Their NeeiJt1

One of the main insights I gained after talking to these men was
that they had not been fully aware that a strong leader-type woman
was the perfect partner for them. None of them made a conscious
choice to look for this kind of woman for a partner. They were pow-
erfully drawn to a strong woman- and the roles of leader and fol-
lower emerged gradually as t he relationsh ip developed..Most likely
this is because, until now, we have not had a positive model for a
woman-led marriage, or compl1mentary rather tha n derogatory
names for the personality types suited to this kind of marriage.

Until now, t he typical reference our culture had For this kind of
marriage was something lili.e the snide remark, "She wears the pants
in that family.'' People assumed that if the woman had the upper hand,
the ma n was weak and deserved the epithet of "henpecked" or worse,
"pussy-whipped." No man would ever say, "Oh, yes, I want to many
a ball-buster of a woman and be henpecked for the rest of my Life!"

~ 157 [3
 In t he past if a man an d woman developed a woman-led marriage
and found that both partners were happy that way, they couldn't
admit it to anyone else - maybe not even to themselves. There have
probably been many women-led marriages that were concealed from
public view by both partners to avoid social disapproval.

Thank Goddess things are changing! Still, it takes a man who is

strong, self-confident - and maybe a bit of a rebel - to stand up
against society's prescribed formulas for acceptable masculine and
feminine behavior.

There are probably more men than we think who would be happy
in a woman-led marriage. They often don't discover the truth about
themselves until they find a woman w ho brings it out in them ... which
is one of t he powerful secret techniques of Star-womanhood shared
in this book.

The old rigid definitions of what is mascu-

line and what is feminin e are slowly crum-
The ol'iJ rigiu 'iJefinitio1u tif
what i.1 11uuculille attd what bling. We can speed up the process by living
i.1 feminine are t1lo111ly openly and proudly in a woman-led marriage,
crw11hl.i119.
and by respecting and celebrating the fine
men w ho make these partnerships possible.

Attraction
A woman's self-confidence is an important factor in her attractive-
ness to these men. Her intelligence and leadership abilities also
attracted them. The men in these successful marriages were all
notably non-competitive when it came to their partner's accomplish-
ments, and had no concern that their wives might "outshine" them.
On the contrary, they were proud of the fact that such outstanding
women were attracted to them.

0 158 Q
 _e_r.1prcli1•e - lf¥hy She Lead.1
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ T._'be_ ,_1l_an_ :_1 P. [!J
"Men~1 mi.ndJ are raided to the level of the women wiJ:h
whom they aJ<1ociate. "
-Ale.~andre Dunuu

CompatibilittJ
In interviewing three of these happy men, I found that in all three
relationships the men are easy and comfortable within their marriages
because the partners are e:x.'tremely compatible with each other. They
don't necessarily have the same interests or hobbies as their partner -
but w hen it comes to living everyday life, the men felt there were no
big differences in opinion or huge obstacles that could cause difficul-
ties between them.

'1t~1 Not a Problem"

These Comet Men are very aware that they are in the minority in
the kind of marriage they have in common. When asked how they feel
about the woman being the leader, taking care of the finances, or mak-
ing aJJ the plans, they all had a similar response: "It's not a problem for
me," which implies that for other men it could or wou ld be a problem.
However, these men bave found real happ.iness with their Star
Women, and they accept living outside the norm with apparent ease.

Fina11ce.1
AJJ three men responded very positively when asked about who
handled the finances in their marriages-"She does and I'm fine with
that I" Two readily admitted that financial matters were not their strong
su it. One said he was capable in that area, but thought his wife was
more capable so he was glad to let her handle those responsibilities.

All three men said they discussed financiaJ matters with their part-
ners, so the men's ideas and opinions were heard and considered, but
they left the details to the women, and were happy to do so.

a !5!J m
 E3 Ve1111,1 0_11_ Tt.
_,,''P- _ __

Elt:J Elc.:l £38£3 8 CG Elc:J Deci.Jion~

The 111omen. are collaborative All three men said that decision making
leaderJ, not dictatorJ. was a mutual process, and that their wives
always discussed any major decisions with
them; the women are collaborative leaders, not dictators. The men all
placed high value on their partners' ability to think carefully and
weigh all factors when a decision must be made. They all respected
and admired their woman's brainpower.

They all re.Jpecteo a110 Handling ConfU"ct

a'()1111:reu their 11101111m'J All the men maintain ed that there was
brai11p<Jwe1~
very little conflict in their relationshi.ps. And
when it did happen, they all claimed that the
great majority oF the fau lt was theirs. Now these guys may or may not
be telling the truth on this subject, but their responses show that they
a re all very astute about how to get along with a woman!

HotUelVork
None of the men thought that housework was inherently a
woman's job. They saw it as a set of regular, common tasks that need-
ed to be done for the family. One has outside help with houseclean-
ing, but all of them talce care of many household jobs and consider it
part of their responsibility in the partnership.

A{)vantageJ
When asked about the advantages of being married to a powerful
woman, the men enthusiastically reported that they were living a
better lifestyle than they would be able to attain if they were stil.I sin-
gle. They were doing more interesting things, going to more places,
and living in a nicer home because of their wives' financial manage-
ment and planning abilities. Another advantage they mentioned was
that they didn't have the pressure of a spouse who was overly
dependent on them. They thought it was great to have a self-suffi-
cient woman as a partner.

a 160 o
 Tiu 111an :, PerJpecti11e - Why She Le.flJ,1 ~

D uaJvantage.1
The men found few or no disadvantages to being married to a
power ful woman. They all had attitudes similar to Robert, who said ,
"Well, if I go to a party I can't say that I'm the man of the house - big
deal. Who cares ?"

Concludwn
None of t he men felt their manhood was threatened because t heir
woman was the leader or because they did housework.

T hese men are comfortable being who

they a re and confident within themselves.
The<1e men are comfortable
They do not subscribe to the old standards heing who they are and
for themselves or their women. They are conft'.'Je111: within them.Jelvu
reapin.g the benefits of loving and living with
a powerful, successful woman partner who
loves them for being who they really are. They feel appreciated and
validated for their supportive qua li ties. They are not a strange breed.
They are merely another expression of what a man can be.

Every human being is a unique personality with an individual

combination of talents, abilit ies, strengths, and weaknesses, as well as
a unique balance of what are termed feminine and masculine quali-
ties. 'W hen a society approves of only certain models of b ehavior and
disparages all others, it creates unnecessary suffering for those who
can't fit into the few favored m.odels. And it loses the productive con-
tributions that the "misfits" n ever make because of the arbitrary lim -
itations p laced on them.

A woman who recognizes that she is a Star \Voman can stop try-
ing to fit into the old standard relationship mold that will never work
for her. What she needs is a Corr:_e t Man who appreciates her leader-
ship, supports her vision, and harmonizes with her personality.

G 161 0
 We need to help the Comet Men of the

A woman wbo recog11izeJ

world recognize who they are and help them
that .1be 1~1 a Star Woma.11 realize that Star Women are stimulating, sat-
can ,1top tnJing to fit i11to isfying partners for them.
the of() JtanJaru relationJhip
1110/() that wiff ne11er
work for her.
Star Women and Comet 1Vlen may always
be minority percentages of the human popu-
la6on, but w hen both groups are recognized,
respected, and accepted as they really are, they are free to create
happy and fulfilling relationships in their unique ways. As that hap-
pens, a tremendous amount of positive energy is released to do good
on our planet.

At this point in our exploration of the woman-led marriage, you

have been introduced to some new and expanded understandings
about men and women. You have a good idea of whether you are
stronger as an Earth Mother or a Star Woman, and you know what
kind of man (Meteor l\tlan or Comet lYlan) is a good match for you.

The next section of the book gives you the tools you need to trans-
form your life into a strong springboard for attaining your dreams,
and a step-by-step plan for becoming a woman of power. You will
also learn how to train your man to please you both inside and out-
side t he bedroom! Sound exciting?

CJ 162 rn
SECTION THIIBE.·
 Chapter 8

"Breakthrouglu come 1wt primarily lnJ changing what

we do, hut by changing Jirc1t and Jore11wc1t how we think
about what we do.,,
-Jim Collin.1, author of Good to Great

d n Chapter 9 we will outline a vision and a plan to take you from

\J your current life to the life you want to live. The plan r equires
that you challenge and change some of your fundamental beliefs
about life and about being a woman.

In order to identify and meet those challenges, you need the b asic
tools for transformation provided in this chapter. This is information
about how the universe works, and about the spiritual laws and prin-
ciples that you can use to make the changes you desire. If this infor-
mation is new to you, you will need to read and absorb this chapter
carefully. Think of it as a mini Spiritual Quick.1tart Cour.Je to give you a

167
Cc:J&lSi30£3Q
£:3 v~1111.1 011 Top

very basic understanding of how to effect change in your life. If you

are already familiar with these principles, you can skim over this
chapter and consider it a spiritual refresher course.

These principles ai-e not something I arbitrarily made up. They

have been known and used for thousands of years by people of many
different faiths and traditions. They are found in sacred scripture and
teachings all over the world. This wisdom has survived for one sim-
ple reason: it works.

The definition of a spiritual truth is a

A t1piritual truth w principle that works the same way every
a principle that 111orkt1 the time for anyone who uses it. Some of these
Jarne way every time for
anyone who Ude./ it.
principles may seem contrary to the reli-
gious faith in which you grew up.

Remember what we learned earlier about the Great Goddess reli-

gion and how it was obliterated for political reasons so one group
could gain power over another? Every one of our current major reli-
gions has its roots in those times and events. Every religion has been
distorted through the ages to serve the purposes of those in power.
Yet every religious t radition retains kernels of truth, love, and com-
passion within it - along with some untruths.

Science is now confirming what the sages have been trying to tell
us all along: we are all one. Our planet and indeed our whole universe
is a single living system, and everything in it
is composed of energy vibrating at different
We are all one. frequencies. Our universe is constantly cre-
ating itself and everything in it.

Th e unseen source of our world - and life itself - is a limitless cre-

ative intelligent energy which is called by many names: God, Allah,
J ehovah, Buddl1a, The Force, The Tao, Spirit, Higher Power, etc.

rr.3 168 [jJ

 _ _ __ _ __ __ 7iwli For Trnn.iformntion m
The vast majority of people on earth believe in some kind of God,
often thought of as a superior being separate from human beings.
Today more and more people are coming to believe that we are not
separate from God. They are looking within themselves to find God.

If you are willing to consider the possibility that there is a spark of

the Divine at the core of your being, then you are no longer at the
mercy of what some human so-called "authority" tries to make you
believe about your true nature and about God.

Six BaJic Spiritual Principlu

You can have your own personal relationship with God, and you
can decide what is true based on your own personal experience.
Truth and spiritual principle can be tested and proven in your life. If
you are ready to try this grand experiment, here are six basic spiritu-
al principles to use for transforming your beliefs. Of course, there are
more principles beyond these six. You will learn about others later on,
but just knowing and using these six will take you a long way down
the road to a better life.

1. You Are Spirit

You are a spiritual being having a human experience. You are an
eternal being, a part of the Divine Intelligence that created you. You
are not your body or even your mind. These are the vehicles we use
to navigate our way through the physical world. The thing that is you
does not die with the body. You are a child of a loving Creator that
does not punish or condemn anyone. There is no hell and no heaven
except for the hell or heaven that you create for yourself in your life
right here on earth.

2. God is Your Source

God takes care of your needs. Everything you need comes from
God in sometimes mysterious and sometimes miraculous ways. The
good of God can flow to you like a big, wide river or a tiny trickle. It

£; 169 0
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all depends on the state of your consciousness. I remember when

1 was working on my money consciousness-I would affirm daily,
"A mighty Mississippi River of cash flows into my life easily and
effortlessly." And indeed more casb did start flov.ri.ng to me as repeti-
tion etched this thought permanently into my brain. Today cash does
come to me easily and effortlessly. I a lways have more than enough.
This is an abundant universe and there is more than enoug h of every-
thing for all of us.

3. Thought Creates
Cod - the universal life energy is m , around, and through
everything in our world . This is a holographic universe where the
physical objects that we perceive as soJid actually have more space
betwee n their bits of matter than matter itself. Everything that we
detect w ith our senses started as a thought in the universal mind. Our
though ts actually create our reality. If we don't like what we perceive
to be our reality, we can change it by changing our thinking.

'1f you do 11.ot learn to control yoLLr thought, thought will

control you. "
-ErneJt Holme.11 founder of ReligiouJ Science

4. You Don't Need to Know the "How"

This concept of "not needing to know the how" amazed me when I first
heard it. l was used to trying to figu re out everything and do every-
thing my own way. It was difficult to believe that l didn't have to
know exactly how to accomplish my goals or fulfill my desires. Yet I
found it to be true.

l learned to quit worrying about how anything would come to pass.

Jf you focus on the "what" and believe you can have it, God takes care
of th e "how," often in ways that you never would have imagined.

D no 8
 _ _ _ _ __ _ _1_a_nl_,, F11r Tr1w.iformatio11 ~

5. Conceive, Believe, Receive

Th is is the natural cycle of creation that we use every day whether
we know it or not. Everything sta.r ts as an idea in our mind, and then
it is filtered through our belief system. Our b eliefs create a kind of
mental mold for the idea. Suppose the thought is "I wa nt to pass this
test." [f we believe we have the ability and knowledge to pass, the
mold reads, "Pass." If we believe we are not smart enough and can't
do it, the mold reads, "Fail." Although we wanted very much to pass,
if we don't really believe we can, then that belief is what determines
th e final result.

The subconscious mind works in the background to create what

we are thinking according to w hat we believe. It pours energy into
ou1· mental molds until the thing or situation ma nifests into the phys-
ical world. It has no judgment about what we give it to create. It goes
about the business of creation in a rather
E3DEU'..JE3DE3DE38t30
mechanical fas hion; it simply fo llows instruc-
tions blindly. What we receive in the process The Juhcon.tciou.J nu·no work.J
in the hackgrowzJ to crea/;e
is a manifestation created by o ur thoughts what we are thinking
through the subconscious. accoroi11.9 to what we believe.

6. The Law of Cause and Effect

To change the results we are getting in our life, it does no good to
merely wish and hope for something different to happen. We have to
find the cause of that result and change it.

The cause is always rooted in our belief - not necessarily our

actio ns - about the desire or thought. To change the result, change
the belief This entails being willing to look at what we believe to see
if it really serves us, or if it limits us and keeps us from at"tain.ing our
desires. What we see happening in the physical world is the effect of
our beliefs. Beliefs are always the cause.

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- - -- - -- · - -
Think a New Thought
Ernest Holmes, author of The Science of Mind, was fond of saying,
"Change your th.inking, change your life." He, along with a number
of other scholars and philosophers like Ralph Waldo Emerson and
Thomas Troward, studied the great scriptures and literature of the
world's religions for years. Looking for the common denominators in
the collected wisdom of humankind, they found that nearly all of the
great spiritual masters taught that what we think and believe has a
direct effect on us and the physical world we inhabit.
11
'11..1 thou ba.1t believed, .10 be it done u.nto thee.
-Jullcl of Nazareth (Matthew 8:15)

These th.inkers were interested in metaphysics (study of the ulti-

mate nature of existence, reality, and experience) and how to put the
power of the mind to practical use in daily living. Today there are
many spiritual communities and religious organizations that are in
agreement about the power of the mind and our ability to use that
power. We can change the circumstances and direction of our lives by
learning how to think a new thought. Thus these groups are known
as the "New Thought" movement.

Carl Jung, a very influential 20th Century psychoanalyst, theo-

rized that the power of our mind is not limited to the individual, but
also extends to agreat collective mind of humankind, which he called
the "collective unconscious." This mind holds the images and sym-
bols, which we all know on a subconscious level. Holmes refined this
idea further as "race consciousness," which holds generalized human
ideas that are passed from one generation to the next. Th ese ideas are
believed to be the truth and are not easily changed.

For example, in the early 1600's Galileo narrowly escaped impris-

onment when he claimed that the earth revolved around the sun.
Everyone believed that the sun revolved around the earth, and this

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idea was so imbedded in the "race consciousness" of that era that it
took many years before GaJileo 's theory was finally accepted. Today
we know that the earth is not the center of the universe and we send
telescopes out in unmanned spacecraft to photograph distant galax-
ies. Only four hundred years ago you might have lost your life for
merely suggesting such a thing was possible.

The human race is made up of individuals

who have the free will to choose bow and
I ndi11iduai.J can cboo.Je to
what they think. As more and more people change their 111ay of thinking
begin to think a different way, the thoughts and chall.91! 111hat bappen.1 i11
co ntained in our race consciousness are their live.J relatively quick(y.
affected and changed slowly and gradually.
Individuals can choose to change their way of thinking and change
what happens in their lives relatively quickly. They only need the
cou rage and the awareness to question the ideas that have been hand-
ed down to them through the race consciousness.

The ideas and beliefs of any culture are tra nsm itted and handed
down from one generation to the next through songs, stories, and
poems called myths: Before the invention of writing this oral tradition
was the only way that knowledge could be kept and passed on. Myths
are powerful because they portray in grand, fanciful, and memorable
imagery the ideals, beliefs, and fears upon which the people of that
cu lture base their lives.

The Power of Myth

Myths are not merely fairy tales or amusing children's stories. Our
cultural myths are rooted deeply in the subconscious mind of every
individual. They are rooted so deeply that we don't even recognize
these beliefs as myths that were handed down to us. We think they
are truth. Some might be true; many are not.

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l{ w1._

Your mother, father. and other family members planted these

beliefs deep in your mind. They were then solidified by the media and
the cu lture i.n which we live. We have all been led to assume that
there is s uch a t hing as "race" because we are in the habit of judging
people by t heir appearance. Now scientists who study DNA are star-
tl ing the world with their discovery tlult "race" is an erroneous con-
cept. 'They can show that people who appear to be very different in
skin color ca n actually b e very much alike genetically.

P rofessor Brian Sykes, a leading world authority on DNA and

human evolution, conducted extensive studies tracing our human
ancestors back in time through DNA evidence. He produced a com-
pl ete maternal genealogy for the whole of humanity, which con.verged
on a single woman in Africa some one hundred and fifty thousand years
ago. In his fascinating book The Se11en Daughter.1 of Eve he says, "She lies
at the root of all the maternal ancestries of every one of the six biUion
people in the world. We are all her direct maternal descendants.''

We now have scientific evidence that

th ere is only one race: t~e human race. Our
We now have .1cientific
evidence that there iJ only differences in appearance are only superfi-
one race: the human race. cia l. But id eas about racial superiority and
inferiority are stiU quite deeply imbedded in
the coll ective unconscious of mankind.
Some people w ill have a very diffi cu lt ti.me with t hese new ideas
about race; it may take generations before this new truth is accepted
by most of the world. Some wi ll cling to their old "truth" despite the
evide nce that proves it wrong.

Th is new way of viewing our world can be as significant as the

transforming vision that changed perception of the world as Oat into
one of a globe!

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We didn't make a conscious decision to believe these old, estab-

lished ideas, but we've been made to feel that they are true. If we
bring them out into the light of our conscious mind, we can make a
choice about whether these precepts serve us and are worth keeping.
So let's examine some of our Western culture's commonly held beliefs
about relationships between men and women.

You may protest that many of these myths have been dismantled
and are no longer held to be the truth. We have laws in place that
directly oppose some of these ideas, but that doesn't make the ideas
go away. Instead, we live in conflict.

We know that an idea like "A woman needs a man to take care of
her" is not true in our world, but that doesn't stop us from wishing
that some knight in a white BMW would sweep us away from our
mundane lifo and solve all our problems.

'1t'.I ea.dier to live life throagh .1omeo11.e el!e than to

become complete your.1elj. ''
-Betty Friedan

Look Deeply
If you are willing to look deeply and be honest with yourself, how
many of the following ideas can you find lurking down in the dusty
basement of your mind?

• The man should be the head of the household.

• A woman needs a man to take care of her.

• Women are not good at math or managing money.

• A woman should learn how to please her man.

• Men should initiate sex.

• Men give love to get sex, women give sex to get love.

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• Women should get married and have babies.

• Wome n s hould take care of the children.

• M.e n should work and bring home the money.

I'm sure you could add many more to this list. The point here is to
encourage you to dig up these beliefs and bring them out into the light
of your awareness. When you are aware of an old belief starting to
raise your anxiety or anger, you have the ability to stop that thought
and choose a different response.

Looking deeply within yourself to bring all your limiting beliefs

into the light of awareness is a good first step. But it is not enough to
merely become aware of the unconscious beliefs that are running
your li fe. In order to change a belief you must replace it with a d iffer-
ent and better one.

Changing a Belief
If you just say, "I w on 't believe that anymore," y our subconscious
mind will only pay attention to the "believe that " part of the sentence.
Your instructions to your subconscious are
most effective when worded in positive terms
In order to change a belief - not negatives - because your subconscious
you 11wJt replace it with a will go right on believing and acting on the
'Jij}'erent and better one.
thing you want to get rid of. Why? Because
y ou're giving your attention to it.

In some ways the mind is like a computer program. You can hit the
delete key and words disappear from the screen-but un til your com-
puter actually writes over those words, they remain embedded on
your hard d isk. Your mind wi ll keep carrying out the actions caused
by a belief until y ou overwrite and replace it.

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 Does this make it sound like there's some work ahead of you? Yes.
But isn't it wonder ful to know that you do not have to be stuck with
your old programming for y our entire li fe!

We are free to change what we t hink and what we believe. There

are lots of ways to accomplish this and lots of people who can help
you w ben you want to make changes in your life. But it is up to you
to find what works for you.

Of(} B elief l1tto New Belief

H ere is a simple, effective technique that has worked for me. I caU
it the "Old Belief Into New Belief" method.

Ge t a notebook and divide several pages in to two columns. Label

the first one "Old Belief" and the second one "New Belief." Write
down one of your beliefs about relationships in the fi rst column. Then
imagine for a moment that you are now the highest version of your
best self whose life is centered in the Divine and whose faith is
unshakeable. Let your Higher Self speak and compose a new belief
that serves you better in the second column.

lf7ordd Are Pocve1ful

Your words have power whether written or spoken. Writing down
your words this way i.s a clear, unmistakable directive to the universe
that you are ready and willing to change you r life for good.

'1f/riting i.1 m.dJicine.. .It tJ an appropriate companion

for any uifficult change. . . Writing allocv<1 LI.cf to rewrite
ow· li11e,1."
- Julia Cameron

W hen you give the universe clear instructions and put the emo-
tional power of your desire behind those instructions, it must respond
to you . Tha.t t4 a pro11en JpirituaL Law. You don't have to understand how

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the change happens. Everythjng is created

E11erytl.1ing i.1 created
on the mental plane first. T hen it appears on
01z the m.e ntaf plane fir.1t. the physical plane.
Then it appea/'.J on the
phy.1icaL plane. Your life will not ch ange just because you
wish it to. You must work with y our mind to
change what you think and believe before the r esults of your effort
appear in physical form.

You must pol i.c e both your thoughts and your spoken w ords.
Changing your beliefs requires mental vigilance a nd may seem like a
lot of work at first. Every time you catch
y ourself thinking or saying something that
You nuut police both you don't want to see in your }jfe anymore,
your thought.t and your
you must stop and replace it with a positive .
.1poken. word.I.

For example, if you are in the habit of

thinking and saying, "There's never enough time. I'm always late,"
your subconscious will go right to work for you to keep you in the
habit of being late. To change that belief and that condition in your life
you must affirm instead, "There's always enough time for me and I am
always on time."

Statements to the uillverse that begin w ith

"I am" are the most powerful statements y ou
Statemenl.1 to the wziver.Je
that begin with '1 am" are can make. You have to stop giving your energy
the mo.Jt powerful .1tatement.J and attention to anything you don't want, and
you can make. start affirming to yourself that you are now
believing and receiving what you do want.

These new positive, affirming statements must be precise and must

be in the present tense, not in the future. If you say, "I will get better
about being on time," your directions to youx subconscious are vague

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(what does "get better" mean?) and off in the future ("I will"). For the
subconscious this statement means nothing and has no effect because it
can only create in the moment. It knows only "now" not past or future.

''You. have to believe it he/ore you Jee it."

,_,Wayne Dyer

You have to make a leap of faith to consistently affirm something

that has not yet appeared in the physica l world, but that is the only
way to effect real change.

Four Step.t to Affirming a Ne"' Life

You can change your life with this simple four-step procedure:

1. Become aware of the old belief

2. Be sincerely willing to change the old belief

3. Create and write down a new belief to replace the old

4. Continually affirm the new belief

Sam.pie Li.tt
I wrote the following list of beliefs and affirmations a few years ago
when 1 was single. These are some of my old beliefs about relation-
ships that ran my life and kept me miserable for decades. Alongside
the old are the new beliefs that I created to replace them. Some of the
new beliefs took root and bore fruit in the physical world more quick-
ly and easi ly than others. Today, however, I can read down the New
Belief list with complete conviction that these are my truths.

The ones I selected to include here are those that are typical for
many women. Some will hit home for you, others will not. This is a
just a sample list to give you an idea of' how to do your own.

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I gave myself a goal of writing down 100 beliefs that were holding
me back from being happy with my life and myself. It took me about
a month to accomplish my goal. Some days I wrote just one or two;
some days, none. O ther days I wrote a dozen or more.

You don't have to be that ambitious. Take it at your own pace, but
DO IT! Read over your list and add to it on a regular basis (daiJy is
best if you can manage it) . Lock up y our fear-filled ego in the trunk
and imagine your higher self in the driver's seat cruising down the
road of life, knowing that t hese new beliefs are absolutely true for
you. Let yourself feel what it is Like to be relaxed, optimistic, and full
of self-confidence.

·when you first start this process you may only be able to get into
that higher fee li ng state for a few minutes at a time before y our ego
breaks out and tricks your mind back into its old worry and fear rou-
tines. I sometimes felt like I was in the middle of an old Disney car-
toon with an angel o n one shoulder and a devil on the other fighting
for control of my mind. I was determined to change my thinking
habits and all those old beliefs that had made me unhappy for so
many years.

Many times I wou ld just rewrite my list of new beliefs because the
physical action of wTiting them out over and over helps to anchor
these ideas in your consciousness. Gradually but steadily I literally
overwrote the old mental programming, and now my higher self is
firmly planted in the driver's seat of my life.

When I read over this list now some years after writing it, I am so
grateful for the way my life is today. My old unsatisfactory life creat-
ed by those old beliefs seems lik e a distant bad dream. Do you want
to live a h.appier life? Toss out those old hand-me-down beliefs and
think a better though t!

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Belief.1 About B eing Singk

Let's start with some of my old beliefs about being single. With the
vision I created with my beliefs about what it is like to be a single per-
son, it's no wonder I felt so unhappy being single. With every belief I
had reinforced the idea that "married is better," and that being single
was an inferior way of life. I certainly don't believe that anymore!

OILJ Belief New Belief

If I get too comfortable with This is insane thinking!
being single, I'll never get It's no problem for me to adjust
married again. to being married again.
People feel sorry for single people. Self-pity has no place in my
life. I release these thoughts
and rejoice in the fact that I'm
alive. No one needs to feel
sorry for me!
Nobody is really happy being Happiness comes from within
single. me and does not require any
particular set of outward
appearances.
Single people are sad cases. I am footloose and carefree
when I am single.

Since I am a strong woman Strong men who are secure

only weak men are attracted within themselves love to be
to me. Who wants a wimp! with women like me . I now
have the patience to discover a
man's character before I get
too involved with him.

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Belief.1 of the Ego

My ego certainly held some rigid and arrogant beliefs. The con-
flicts between how my ego thought about me and what my Higher
Self knew was the truth is very evident in these statements. No won-
der I cou ldn't seem to get anywhere with my
~8CDEU::lOGEl1'2lmr!l life until I got rid of all the demands on God
Once y1J11 leartz to control and the attempts to control everything and
the eg1J, there i.J llO need to everyone else but me! Now I know that
control anything eue.
once you learn to control the ego, there is no
need to control anything else.

Of;) Belief New Belief

Life is supposed to proceed in Life is what happens while I'm
an orderly fashion according busy making plans. God's plan
to my plan. for me is always bigger, better,
and more wonderful than any
thing my puny ego can conceive.
Freedom is one of my highest I now release all these useless,
values. [ love being free to do false ideas and declare that I'm
·what I want to do. free from them. I'm free to live
in whatever way suits me best.
I am open-minded. I cannot claim to be open-
minded when I hold all these
rigid ideas about what relation
s hips are supposed to be. I now
release the hold these false
beliefs had on me.
I can influence my family I have no conh·o.l over other
members to be the way I think people. l release them from my
they should be. expectations and accept them
just as they are.
I've got to understand why my I may never understand the
ego's demands are not being met why of my life and it is not
and figure out how to fix it. important that I do. l simply
accept my life as it is.

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Beli.ef.1 Ahout Feeli.ng.1
For much of my adult life, I was hostage to my feelings. They
seemed to have the upper hand and I wasn't able to put them in their
proper place until I developed my spiritual side. Being constantly
overwhelmed by feelings is a difficult way to live. Now I know that
my identity does not depend on my feelings. Feelings come and go. I
stay anchored in my spiritual center.

Of;) Belt'.ej New Belief

When l'm disappointed, I get \Vhen I'm disappointed, I'm
depressed. just disappointed. I do not get
depressed.
If I were just prettier, thinner, I'm fine just as I am. The kind
and/or younger, I'd have no of man that is attracted to me is
problem attracting m en . attracted by my character and
my soul, not my body.
l am what I feel and I have My feelings do not dictate who
no control over my feelings. I am. Feelings are temporary
and aJways changing. I can
choose a different emotional
response to a ny situation.
Certain situations and certain Reacting to a situation the
people always trigger bad same way every time is just a
feelings in me so I have to b e bad habit, one that I can
careful to stay away from them. change by choosing to respond
differently.
I'm worried about my future. God is my source of supply, so
I do not worry about my
future. All the love and all the
money I need are alw ays there
for me. I only have to be aware
of it and be grateful for it.

C 18J D
Belief.:1 Ahout Happine~u
Oh, how elusive happiness becomes when you make it your goal
and then set up all kinds of restrictions and conditions that must be
met in order for you to be happy. Happiness is a natural by-product
of living a good life, being your authe ntic self, and fulfilling your
highest purpose.

Old Belief New Belief

I missed out on having children Motherhood is not required for
and I'll never know the joy of my happiness. I enjoy and love
being a mother. all children. I don't need to
have my own.
I can't be completely happy My happiness has nothing to
unless I'm married. do with whether or not ] 'm
married.
If I'm not happy every minute I don't need to be happy every
something is wrong. minute. I accept that I experi
ence a full range of emotions.
Emotions come and go, but 1
am not my emotions! 1 have no
need to be happy every
moment. I release that childish
thinlcing and replace it w ith
acceptance.
I'll never be happy if I don't Life does not have to meet my
g·et what I want. expectations for me to be
happy and content.

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Complaining Ahout Life
One of the quickest ways to make yourself unhappy is to refuse to
accept your life the way it is right now. Whining about the conditions
of your life only ser ves to create more of what you don't want because
you are giving your attention to it. The more you resist, the more it
persists.

Learning to accept life as it is was a big step for me. I stopped

whining and complaining and surprise! - Life got better! One of the
mysterious paradoxes of life is that you have to accept circumstances
as they are, while at the same time mentally envisioning and creating
something better.

Old Belief New Belief

Life is boring without a boyfriend. Life is whatever I make it.
I have to understand w hy my I don't need to understand
life is the way it is. everything about my life ~just
be gratefu l for it.
It's not fair that other people Life is not fair and I accept
have what I want and I don't. that.
My life was not supposed to My life is perfect the way it is.
be like this. 1 should be rich, lt does not have to be any par-
successful, and married. ticular way for me to be happy.
It will be a miracle if I ever Miracles are everyday occur-
get married again. rences. They happen to me all
the time and there's no reason
for me not to meet a good man,
fall in love and get married.
I'll feel that my life has been If I never have that experience
wasted if I never experience it simply means that it was not
what it's like to have a in God's plan for me. My task
good marriage. is to be loving and to stay cen-
tered in God no matter what
is going on in my life. No life
1s a waste.

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BeliejJ About Loneline.J<J

Being alone and being lonely are two different states of mind.
Lonely can be a passing feeling or you can bang on to it and keep
yourself in a state of constant misery. We have to feel our feelings and
not deny them. But we don't have to be a prisoner to them. Here
again acceptance is the key to attaining some serenity and peace.
Focusing on what we think we are missing only prolongs the pain.

Looking for what is good in our life and appreciating it gets us off the
pity-pot and into a better frame of mind. An easy cure for loneliness is
to 6nd someone who could use a kind word or a helping hand an.cl give
it to them. Stop thinking about the love that you believe you are miss-
ing. Reverse the flow and give some love instead. Works every time!

OliJ Belief New Belief

It's just my fate and my bad I accept a life full of love, joy,
luck to be isolated and lonely. and belonging. My fate is what
I create.
I can't stand being alone without It would be nice to have a
somebody to love. lover, but I don't need a lover
or anything else. I always have
whatever it is that is perfect
for me.
If I go out by myself no one I go out by myself with a
will talk to me. friendly smile and a receptive
attitude and the nicest people
talk to me.
Living alone is terrible. I 've Living alone is peaceful and
done this long enough. serene. I could do this forever.
I'm afraid of being alone. I'm There is nothing to fear. I am
afraid there will be no one to not alone. God is always with
care for me when I get old. me. When l allow God to
direct my life and love to lead
it, I always have more than
enough of everything I need.

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 Toof,, For Tmn.iforma1inn [!]
Belief.1 About Love
My beliefs about love were mostly concerned with w hy I didn't
have it and how things should be when I did. I was so concerned with
what 1 wanted to get that I had barely any idea about what I could
give! Focusing on givi.ng was the antidote to these empty complaints
and demands.

Of() Belief New Belief

I don't feel loved and my life God always loves me and I can
isn't as good w hen I'm without always feel love by giving love.
a partner. Life is good ¥-rith or without a
partner.
I'm afraid of facing the rest of I may never have a life that
my life without ever knowing looks like what my ego wants,
what it's like to really love a but I can give and receive love
decent man. from other people in endJess
ways.
Love has to look and feel the I release my expectations about
way I imagine it. love. Love is whatever it is.
Love is too hard and too Love is easy when it's given
much work. with no strings attached.
Love means giving up who The right kind of man loves me
I rea.lly am so I can get a man for who I am. He supports me
to stay with me. in becoming all that I can be,
and I do the same for him.
Life seems empty without Empty is a perception. I choose
someone to love. to perceive a different idea. My
life is full of people to love. I
love whoever appears in my life!
If I tell my partner the truth, If l tell my partner the truth
he will leave. and he leaves, then he is not
the right partner for me, and
I'm glad l'm finding out now
instead of later.
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Beliefd About Marriage

Having a good marriage was a goal like winning the Relationship
Super-Bowl to me. I wanted it but I had no idea how to get there from
where I was. \Vhen I hon estly looked at my old beliefs about mar-
riage, I had to admit that my attitude really needed reworking. It was
a re lief to expose these immature and fruitless ideas to the light of my
growing awareness.

I let my Higher Self write the new beliefs and then just prayed for
acceptance of what 1 knew was the real truth. I had to accept the pos-
sibil-ity that I might never have the great marriage that seemed so nec-
essary to me. Surrendering the whole situation to the will of God was
the only answer that gave me peace.

Of() Belief New Belief

Married is better. Nonsense. Married is just one
way to live out of many ways.
No one way is better than
another.
Being around happily married I choose to soak up the
people makes me envious and consciousness of a loving
uncomfortable. partnership when I am around
married people. I love being
around people who are good
at relationships.

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BeliejJ About Marriage (continued)
Of() Belief Nelfl Belief
My ideas about marriage are so Mom used to tell me that all
deep-rooted they must be true. she wanted was to see me
Mom believes them and so do I. happily married. She doesn't
even want that for herself any
more! Just because a belief is
old and deep doesn't mean I
can't replace it "'nth a belief
that serves me better.
If I stop believing that I have to Exactly - and what a good
be married, I have no concept thing this is. My life doesn't
for what my life should be. have to be any particular way.
I can focus on "being" and let
my life f1ow from my highest
self instead of from the ego .
.Marriage is a trap in which you I have experienced marriage as
lose your freedom and yourself. a trap because of my own igno-
rance and immaturity. I now
view marriage as an adventure
and an opportunity to love
and grow.
Being in a relationship brings Being in a good relationship is
emotional upheaval and struggle relaxing and comfortable.
a1l the time. Occasional instances of emo-
tional upset happen in order to
bring up old hurts to be
released and healed with the
help of your partner's love.

~ 189 G
m l&11u.1 011 Top

Belie/t1 About Men

My beliefs about men were mainly about getting one and keeping
him, with no thought given about how to love him! No wonder I was
having trouble! Men are not the enemy - they need love just as much
as women do. As 1 grew spiritually, my relationships with men
became interesting adventures instead of heartbreaking stTuggles. I
knew I was on the r ight track when I began to think more about what
I cou ld give to a man instead of only what 1 could get.

OlJBelief New Belief

I'm too much of a challenge - There are lots of good men
that's why no man is interested who are interested in women
111 me. like me, and who are not afraid
of the challenge.
If l don't find a man right away, My well-being does not depend
I'll never be able to find one and on having a man now or ever.
I'll end up a lonely embittered I can be alone without being
old crone. lonely.
AH the good ones are already There are many good single
taken. men available. All the good
ones are not taken.
The best way to experience love There is no one best way to
is with a man. experience love. I experience
love in endless, limitless ways.
There's nobody out there who There are lots of good men
is a suitable match for me. who are a per fect match for
me. I will meet one if and when
it's right for me.
But I need a man NOW. I I have no control over when I
don't want to wait any longer. meet anyone. I can live the rest
of my life without a roan if
that's what God plans for me.

E':3 190 El
 Tool• For 1h111.ifmmaJ1{111 [1'J
Spring Cleaning for the Soul
Whew! What a list! It may seem ljke l did a lot of work here, but
the process felt like spring-cleanjng for the soul. Yes, it's work while
you are doing it, but when it's done you feel great and it was worth
every bit of effort. I cleared out and eradicated the old ideas that were
holding me back. When I started dating again I looked at men and
relationships with a clarity of mind that I never had before.

I encourage you to do your own soul level spring-cleaning and

enjoy the benefits as I did. You'll then have a clear field from which
you can easily progress. The method of replacing an old belief with a
new one that your learned in this chapter is something you can use
again and again any time you feel stuck.

It is also a method you can use as you work your way th rough the
Eight Steps To Power that you'll find in the next chapter, which takes
you step by step through the process of developing yourself into a real
woman of power.

G 191 8
 Chapter 9

"If you. want to accompli.!1:1 the goa/J of your life, you.

ha'1e to hegin with the Spirit."
,_,Oprah WinfretJ

e' •0 create a plan to accomplish anything, you must first create a

vision of the end result you desire. Everything is created first in
the mind - as thought - before it can take form in the physical world.
So, before you can become a total woman of power you need a clear
picture of what that looks like. Once your vision is clear, you can
begin taking the first step toward it.

The Vi°Jio11
I believe a woman of power is a woman who is:
• A whole person, a person who know s her strengths and weak-
nesses, who stands on her own two feet and takes responsibility
for her life.

192
~ EJ a r.:J £':3 t2l e e
 The Vi11im an() The Plw1 [!]
• A woman who has great respect for herself and always treats
both herself and others with respect.
• A woman who has a spiritual foundation, who knows her values
and lives according to them.
• A woman who is in touch with her erotic nature, who is just as
good at receiving love as she is at giving it.
• A woman who knows who she really is and whose life is
anchored in love, not fear.

This list may seem like a tall order at first. And some of these
phrases may already describe you as you are today. Give yourself
credit for the character you have already developed. Take the time to
think about who you would be as a woman of power. If all your lim-
itations dropped away and you could live without fear, what would
you be like?

Write out a description of your own personal ideal and leave room
to add to it as more ideas come to you. Make it very personal and
make it yours alone.

Now you have a vision of the powerful woman you are a lready
becoming. Simply writing down your vision has power to start mov-
ing you into your future. You have made the commitment to yourself
to step into your power. No more will you look to anyone else to res-
cue you or protect you. You have everything you need within you.

'1 declare to you that womall muJt 1wt depend upon the
protection of man~ but 11Uklt he taught to protect ber.1e/f,
and there I take my <1tand. "
-S1uan B. Anthony (1820-1906)

c JJJJ 0
m V.:1111.i On Top

The E~qht Stepti tn Power Plan

Here's the eight-step plan that will help you develop the attitudes
and beliefs that will magnetize the right man to you. Once you have
completed the work to heal and change attitudes and beliefs that are
limiting you, your life will change in delightful and surprising ways.

The Eight Steps to Power

1. Be open and willing to change
2. Create a spiritual foundation for your life
3. Accept total responsibility for your life
4. Release anger and resentment
5. Stop judging and stop blaming
6. Clean up your finances
7. Live a balanced, healthy life
8. G ive and receive graciously

The first three steps must be completed before you undertake any
of the others. These three steps are essential because they help you
create a strong foundation from which to work. Steps Four through
Eight can be completed in any order· that makes sense to you. Some
people find that getting their finances in order becomes the last step
because other issues need to be handled and healed before they feel
capable of cleaning up their finances.

Some steps will be easier for you than others, but be aware that
you can't skip or gloss over one or two. To truly be a woman of power,
every one of these issues must be explored and healed, if necessary.
The principles must be learned and held securely in your conscious
awareness so you can put them to work in your daily life.

Whatever work it takes to complete the steps is well worth the

effort. Your life will begin to change as soon as you start. As you

El 194 Q
 _ _ __ _ _ __ _ _7_/J,_• _
Vi.11~111 m~~!}e Plan 6]
make progress on each step, you will feel more confident and more
ser ene. And you will be better prepared to experience a marriage or
partnership with a man w ho will make y ou happy.

Step I . Be Open and Willing to Change

AJJ the following steps rest on a foundation of willingness to
change. This wi llingness is a decision y ou must mak e for yourself. No
amou nt of spiritual o r psychological work is enough, in itself, to make
a difference. You must be willing to be uncom fortable for some time
while your old thinking· and habits drop off and are replaced with
new ones.

1\ilany of us become open to change only

w hen the pain of remaining the same
Many of u.J become open
becomes greater than the pain of changing. to change only whell the pa ill
Why are we so afraid of change? It's our ego of remaining the Jame
becomu .11reater tban the
wanting to protect us and keep us safe in a
pa.ill of changing.
familiar environment even if that reguires
b eing unhappy.

I believe that everything in this w orld is temporary, except for our

souls. Everything is always changing and there's nothing we can do
to stop cha nge except waste a Jot of energy on trying to hold it back.

"Change e.xcite.1 me. I am fifty year.:1 otJ. lt~1 when the

mind catche<1 up with the hodtJ."
-Raquel TPeLch

Embrace Change
So consider embracing change and welcoming it. It's going to hap-
pen anyway! The wise woman never forgets that whatever appears in
her life, whether it be a physical object, a situation, or a relationship,
is only temporary.

~ 195 D
 e ~111t.1 011 Top

When you combine acceptance of change

Jfli!Lt:119nc.1J i.J a magical with a sincere willingness to change, the uni-
and nece.JJary ingredient for verse goes to work on your behalf. Willingness is
man~futing your drea11u. a magical and necessary ingredient for manifest-

ing your dreams. Willingness allows you to influ-

ence positive changes to happen for yourself.

Step 2. Create a Spiritual Foundation for Your Life

Life is so much easier when you develop a personal connection with
your Creator, whether you call it God, Great Spirit, Great Mother,
Allah, Jehovah, Higher Power, or any one of the thousand names we
human beings have given to the Divine Intelligence who gives us life.
Without a spiritual philosophy and faith in something beyond the
Ut:lt3t:!l~EIE'.Jt:Jt3Gmt:J material world, y ou are living life the hard
way, trying to do it all by yourself. This is not
There are many, necessary. There are many, many paths to
many pathJ to Gou hecaJue
we are all inuivtuual1 with
God because w e are all individuals with dif-
Jijferent wayJ of perceiving ferent ways of perceiving and learning. If
and Leaming. y ou become a sincere seeker, you will find
the right path for y ou.

"It i.m't until you come to a dpiritual un'der.1tanding

of who you are - llOt /lecu.;arily a religwu<1 feeli119,
hat deep down, the .1pirit withill - that you call begin to
take control."
- Oprah Winfrey

Quutioru and An.1wer.1

We have al l wondered why we are here. If you believe in God y ou
have asked, "Why did God make me? " God knows all. sees all and is
All. God is eternal and infinite. God is the O neness that can never be
separated from Itself.

a 196 El
 The llt~ion an() The Plan (t1
Now think for a moment. If you were God, might you not get a lit-
tle bored? After all, you know everything and have everything. You
are all-powerful. You are everything. There is nothing that is not you .
So what are you going to do with yourself?

I've been asking those deep questions and trying to understand the
nature of existence ever since I was a child. No organized religion
ever provided an answer that satisfied me. Through fifty-plus years
on the planet, lots of searching, studying, observing, and meditating;
I've been blessed with some experiences, which gave me an immedi-
ate intuitive understanding about who we are and why we are here.

When I began Living in the mountains, I developed the habit of

hiking and exploring the forest every day with my dog. There were
few t rails in the area I hiked, but lots of rock formations. It was
intriguing how some of the rocks looked liked sculptures of familiar
things, so I gave them names like Beluga Whale, J\11egalith, Balcony
Rock, Table Rock, etc. I used them as landmarks to guide me.

No two rocks, trees, or leaves were the same. The beauty of the
places I discovered was so breathtaking that at times I would just stop
and exclaim out loud, "Great job, God!" My appreciation for the end-
less creativity of God so evident in the natural world grew and grew.

Ordinary everyday experiences can often be the best way to find

answers that make sense. Being aware and observant of my own life
gives me all the faith and wisdom I need.

The Value of1!'01:9etti11g

Another everyday insight happened when I was driving through
the city of Los Angeles on an errand, and happened to pass a store I
had designed a few years earlier. I decided to stop and check out the
place since I did not have an opportunity to see the result of my
design project when it was first completed.

E3 197 0
 e Venw On T11p

I have been a professional interior designer for nearly twenty

years, specializing in commercial design. When I design a shop or
office, I start with an empty space and I envision just how it is going
to look before drawing up a plan on paper. The design is fully formed
in my mind, and then put on paper with all the information the con-
tractor needs to build it.

This tangible design is created in my mind first, just like every-

thing else in my life. Once the plans are completed I move on to the
next project. I didn't remember much of anything about this store
design since it had been completed quite some time before.

I walked io the door, and just stood and stared. The colors were
stunning, the lighting sparkled, and the whole effect was a visual
treat. "Wow, this is great!" I said to myself, "Did I do this?" The
delight I experienced and the wonderful sense of surprise and appre-
ciation was such a joyful experience. The intensity of the experience
was caused by not remembering what I had designed in this particu-
lar case. It was new to me. It was as if someone else had created it. I
could not have experienced these same feelings if I had remembered
what I created. Forgetting gave me the opportunity to experience the
joy of discovery, and to appreciate the gift of my own creativity in a
way I had never felt before.

The Delight of Dwcovery

We are hom in a .1tate of The next time I went hiking I had one of
forgetfu.lnu.J about whorn we
those "Aha" experiences that was so intense
real(y are, into a world and a
that I had to sit down and process it. I scram-
l~fe that mak.e.1 it- appear that
ive are ,1eparate from Goo
bled to the top of a huge boulder and there
and each other.
was a gorgeous view of the lake below. I was
/1
about to give God another "Way to go! cheer,
when, in a sudden flash of insight, I understood why we are here and
why we are made the way we are. We are born in a state of forget-

c; 198 G
- -·-···· · - - - - - · - - - - - - -- ·...·..· - -··
The Vi.11011 and Th,~ Plan l!J
fulness about whom we really are, into a world and a life that makes it
appear that we are separate from God and each other. The longing we
feel for connection is our longing to get back to the Oneness from
which we came.

God is already whole, complete, perfect, and totally aware of

everything past, present, and future. So the only way God can expe-
rience the delight of discovery is to create offspring whose knowledge
of the Oneness is veiled and hidden. In a way, we're like little bits of
God playing a private game of hide-and-seek. m3r:JDD~Dm(:)Cr:JEU'.J
Our forgotten memory of our Divine nature
is the very thing that makes our existence a God can't uiJcover
anytbill.IJ - but we can!
joy and an adventure. God can't discover
anything - but we can!

Now, when I walk through the forest in awe and wonder at the
beauty of it, I understand that God is having that experience through
me. When I delight over discovering something new or inspiring, I
realize God is experiencing that delight with me. When I create some-
thing or express myself through music or dance, my joy is God's joy.
Our Higher Power cannot e:i-.rperience these things in its natural all-
knowing state, so it created us in a form that can have those wonder-
ful "aha" experiences.

God created us as an individualized expression of Itself, with a

unique set of personality traits and talents. When we express our-
selves creatively and when we appreciate our experiences on earth,
we are fulfilling our highest purpose. We are not here to suffer. We
are here to enjoy! We are here to explore,
discover, experience, develop, and grow. Our
Creator cannot have those experiences or Tfle are wt here l:o ,mjfer.
We are here l:o enjoy!
feel the joy of them without us.

Ci 199 [!J
 ~ Vi:1111.1 On Top

When we reconnect with our source, we can experience our whole-

DGl~~~GmS&3GE;3l'.!J ness again and learn how to use the power of
our own mind to consciously create what we
Havillg f aitb alld desire. \Ve learn to have faith in our God,
having a .1pirl'.lual
phiw.1opby that i<I forge() and do not have to look outside ourselves to
through your own effort feel content. Having faith and having a spir-
and e:rperimce .1;ive.1 you. itual phiJosophy that is forged through your
the fow1Jation for a hapf'Y
and .mccudjul lije. own effort and experience gives you the
foundation for a happy and successful life.

Step 3. Accept Total Responsibility for Your Life

'i'l.1 one goe.1 through life one learn.I that if you don't
paddle your own canoe, you don't move."
-Katharine Hephurn

As you develop a spiritual foundation, you discover that you must

confront a common concept that makes many of us uncomfortable. It
is that little word, re.:1p01uibility. For fun loving, free spirits like me that
word can feel like a ball and chain. 1\tlany of us are afraid of that word
because it sounds like a lot of work, a lot of stress and pressure. But
the truth is that it merely means to haPe the ability to re.:tpond.

Re.:1pond or React
Life is all about the willingness to respond in a conscious, thought-
ful way to situations rather than blindly reacting and creating a vor-
tex of emotional drama.

"The willingnu.1 to accept ruponc1ihility for one'ci own

life i.1 tbe dource from wbi.ch .1elf-re.1pect c1pringc1."
-Joan Didion

When something happens, or someone says something to provoke

us, we typically allow our ego to react before we think - unless we
have learned how to respond. The key to responding instead of react-

a 200 G
 Th,· Vi:nrm and The Plan m
ing is to recognize that split-second of awareness before the reaction
occurs and take control in that moment. Take a breath, hold yourself
back, and use those next few seconds to think mc:J£30909c:JEE1E!G
before you do or say anyth.ing. To respond or
to react - that is the question ! Until you learn to re.1ponJ
in.itea:d of reacl; yow·
per.lo11a.l power 1".! limited.
With determination and practice you can
train y ourself to automatically reject that ini-
tial reaction impulse from the ego. Reacting is the way of uncon-
sciousness and immaturity. Responding is the way of consciousness
and maturity. Until you learn to respond instead of react, your per-
sonal power is limited.

Responding rather than reacting is a quality that your friends and

family really appreciate. A little experience I had over a birthday cake
is a perfect example. I went to a board meet-
ElElElc:JElElEIElEISGEJ
ing at my church one evening and our minis-
ter led me to the kitchen where she proudly Reacting i..i the way of
u11.co11.1cio11.me.J.J aJZd
displayed a lovely birthday cake and a card
immaturity. Re.t1po11ding id
for all of us to sign for our treasurer, whose the way o.f co1L.1cimu1ze<1J
birthday was that week. It was to be a sur- attd maturity.
prise for her during our meeting break.

My birthday was just a few day s before our treasurer's birthday.

What do you think my initial reaction was when l realized that my
birthday had been ignored or overlooked? I was hurt, of course! I felt
just as left out and sad as a five-year-old child would. But did I
express those feelings to anyone or even let my disappointment show
on my face? - NO! 1 had the presence of mind to keep those feelings
to myself because I knew that they were coming from my ego, which
can be very sensitive to any hint of rejection.

I signed the card with a smile and retreated to the meeting area to
sort out my feelings and give my higher self a chance to decide what
 13 V':'..~1-~ 011 111p - -- - -- - - -
to do. Did anyone intentionally do this to hurt me? I know these peo-
ple; they are my friends and colleagues. They would never do any -
thing to hurt me intentionally. Would it help the situation for me to
point out that they had forgotten my birthday? That would just make
them all foe) bad. So I decided in the space of just a few seconds that
l would say nothing and just let it go.

When we surprised our treasurer with the cake at break time, she
was delighted and bappy. Then she said, "But isn't it Barbara's birth-
day this week too?" She remembered! I was touched. They all apol-
ogized to me and said they hadn't r ealized it was my birthday. I just
brushed it off as "not a big deal" and the birthday girl insisted that I
help her blow out the candles, which I did. And that was that.

Now I could have sulked and stayed hurt and made everyone feel
guilty, but I chose a better way. And believe me they all appreciated
it. Silly little incidents lil<.e this can turn into resentments, which can
undermine your relationships with the peo-
DDE'JGDCJEIBEIGGt:l ple with whom you Live and work.
Learning to rein in the
reaction, even though we're It takes a person who is highly evolved
feeling had, L~I a huge Jlep i11
spiritually to have an ego so tamed that reac-
the right 'directum.
tions W<.e this don't even happen in the fi rst
place. For the rest of us, learning to rein in
the reaction, even though we're feeling bad, is a huge step in the right
direction, one that brings big benefits to our daily life.

Here is the bad news and good news about responsibility:

The bad news is that you are totally responsible for your life.
Your decisions and choices have brought y ou to this point in your life
- exactly as it is today. AU your experien ces were necessary to get you
here. There's no way to live your life "wrong."

E3 202 D
 Tiu Vt;ti1111 111u) The Pinn G
And the good news is t hat you are totally responsible for y our
life! That means you do not need to look to anyone else to change
your life. Look only to yourself. The more awareness and spir-itual
maturity you exercise in making decisions and choices, the better
your life will be. The more gracefully you accept responsibili ty for
your lif'e, the freer you are. Your future is not constrained by anyone
else; you determine it.

"Ne11er gro111 a wic1hho11e, da1'9hter, where a hackhone

ought to be.11

-Cfemenli.1U! Pad'dleford

1 used to think that being responsible meant living a dull, boring

life. I wanted to make somebody else responsible when thi ngs went
wrong. If you think you can be powerful, but avoid responsibility and
put the blame on someone else, you are very mistaken.

Rupon.:1ihil.£ty Create.:1 FreeiJom

Responsibility doesn't create limitations; it creates freedo m. When
you open your eyes and realize that y ou had a part in everything that
has ever happened to you, you start to accept responsibility for your-
self and you r actions. You see that y our response to any situation is a
choice you make.

'The price ofgrealneJJ i J rupo1wihiLil:y. "

- Wi11.ato11 Churchill

The Price of Power

1 say the price of power is responsibility. If
you truly accept responsibility for what you
WillUzg11.e.1J to be
do and say, it means that you don't expect re.Jp01wihle. for our cboicu
any one to rescue you from your own choices. iJ the fowidalioll of
Willingness to be responsible for our choices per.1011al po111er.

is the foundation of personal power.

s 2(}J 8
Choice.1 and Re.JultJ
Accepting responsibility makes you more aware and more careful
abou t the choices you make, because y ou know the buck stop s right
here with y ou. This is what gives you tremendou s Freedom to take
calcu lated risks and reap the results and rewards.

Wi llingness to accept responsibility for your own li fe is powerful

in and of itself. It is a necessary step y ou must take before you can
s uccessfu lly make the changes you desire.

Step 4. Release Anger and Resentment

When w e hold onto negative emotions like anger and resentment,
they become toxic and poisonous to us. When something or someone
hurts you, the immediate reaction of your ego is to get angry and
fight back. [f we can just do that much and then let it go, it might not
create long-term damage. But we don't let it go. We replay it over
and over again in our mind, adding the more devastating remarks we
wish we could have thought to say at the time. 'Ne build an ironclad
case around the other person's fault and our own innocence. Soon a
big patch of resentment takes root and begins to fester in our emo-
tion al body.

Enwtiollal CwgJ
l f you've got this kind of anger and resentment pl ayi ng on y our
mind and emotions, it acts just like a bad dog in a water pipe. The
water can not Aow freely as long as the clog remains in p lace. In the
same w ay, the good things that God wants to send you cannot flow
free ly to you when negative emotions are in your spiritual pipeline,
stopping up the works. Healing and releasing negative beliefs is just
like pouring sp iritua l Dranorn clog remover down the pipe. Dissolve
the clog and good things start flowing y our way.

0 204 El
 The Jli.1iim anJ Tbt Pion m
It is essential to admit it to yourself when you are carrying around
old hurts. "But he (she, they) d id me wrong," you're saying. "My
anger is completely justified." Your anger may well be completely jus-
tified and no one is trying to make a wrong into a right. However, the
longer you hold onto resentment, the bigger it grows. The bigger it
grows, the more it prevents good from coming into y our ljfe.

Letting anger and resentment churn within you is like digging

yourself into a pit. The original hurt might have been equivalent to
digging a foot-deep h ole. Reliving the emotional feelings of that expe-
rience digs you in another foot deeper every time you ru n your men-
tal instant replay. The only way out is to make a decision to stop this
downward spiral and release your need for justice or revenge.

Un0er.1tmUJing Enwtioll.J
Our emotions are Like waves on the surface of the ocean. T he sur-
face can be turbulent and wild at times, but the storm always passes.
While the surface is always changing, down at the depths the ocean
is u ndisturbed by what goes on above. When you are not in touch
w ith that deep reservoir of calm at y our center, you become too tied
into your emotions.

You are not y our emotions. Emotions are powerfu l energies that
can either carry you toward your dreams or send you down a dead
end road. This is why it is so important to have a spiritual connection
and to take responsibility for your actions and reactions.

Because we are these creative, complex, growing humans we can't

avoid having fee lings and reacting emotionaUy to people and event s
in our lives - nor should we. Emotions are like traffic signals. Positive
emotions like love and joy give us the green light that says, "Go!" We
know we are on the right road and it feels good. Negative emotions
a re like a yellow or red light. They are t elling us, "Slow down, pay
attention here !" or "Stop!" The more centered we a re spiritually, the

El 205 0
El ll.•1111.• 011 1bp

easter it is to become the observer of our

The nwre centered we emotions. If we step back and observe wh.at

arc t1pirit1111l(y, the etZJier it is going on within ourselves. we can stop
i.1 lo hec()me the ob.Jen1cr <!f ourselves from saying things that escalate a
Otir e11wtio11.1.
bad s ituation, or doing things t hat hurt our-
selves or others.

Emotional Self-'di.JcipLine
This self-monitoring d iscipline is an extremely important skilJ to
develop in dealing wit h people. Once a hurtful remark has come out
of your mouth, there is no way t·o take it back. A wise woman uses
her emotions as an early warning system and rarely allows them to
run wi ldly out of control.

lt~1 Not Pert101uzL

A person with a strong spiritual center is less likely to react uncon-
scious ly when hurtful remarks are directed her way . You learn to not
take anything like that as a personal attack. J\ll ost of the time hurtful
comm unication comes from the scared and fearfu l ego of the other
person projecting their own pain or confusion onto you. If you accept
th eir a liack as real, you star t firing back and things can get ugly real
fast. If you can identify the source of the problem a nd maintain y our
awareness that this is their stuff, y ou can diffuse the situation instead
of making it worse. You ca n feel the waves of y our emotions, observe
t hem, and let them pass.

To:xic Anger
No one knows better than J the destructive co nseq uences of hold-
ing onto anger. My divorce from husband number three was precipi-
tat·ed by his gambling addiction. As it w as we w ere not doing well
fin a ncially. Then he began stayi ng out until all hours a nd making up
lame excuses about where he was. 1 thought he was probably having
an affair, but he was really at the local casino playing blackjack - and

El 2()6 0
 _ _ _ The ViJw11 a11iJ Tbe Plan [}J
losing. By the time I discovered what was goiJ1g on, all our cash was
gone. After a period of tears and anguish I kicked him out and filed
for divorce.

For three or four years I barely managed to survive financially in

the hope that I'd get half of an insurance settlement from my hus-
band 's auto accident inju ry case, and be able to pay everything off. I
paid our creditors just enough to keep them from taking legal action .
When the accident case was Finally settled, all the settlement money
was given to my ex-husband even though 1 had been awarded half of
it in the divorce decree.

Oh, did I ever seethe with my totally justifiable anger. He skipped

out with all the money, leaving me with all the bills. I decided my only
hope of getting some of that money back was to sue both my divorce
attorney and the personal injury attorney. Since the daim was only
$5,000, it was too small to interest any other lawyer in taking my case.
I had to go to Small Claim.s Court. I won't bore you with the details
of the misery I went through trying to maneuver through Small
Claims Court by myself.

At the first hearing the judge sympathetically told me that I must

get another attorney as an expert w itness to testify about the incom-
petence of the two lawyers l was suing. Do yo u have any idea how
hard it is to get any lawyer to testify against another lawyer? I spent
hours on the phone trying to find just one lawyer with enough integri-
ty and guts to help me. It was making me crazy. My flow of good
slowed to a mere trickle.

I made enough money to survive, but not enough to really thrive.

Since much of my mental and emotional energies were focused on
thoughts of loss and lack, that is what I created for myself..My anger
and resentment ebbed and flowed like an emotional undercurrent
that never let me feel peaceful and positive for long. The times when

a 201 o
I was able to notice the good things 1 had and be grateful for them
were in the minority.

I went to my mjnister, ranting and raving about the unfairness of it

all. I was li.vid. How could God let people do this to me and get away
with i.t? She had to tell me over and over again about the spirituaJ prin-
ciples at work in this s ituation. Here in a nutshell is what I heard:

• God is your source. The court is not your source, nor the
lawyers, nor the ex-husband, nor even your business. AH good
comes from God and you simply need to have faith that all your
needs will be supplied with the right things at the right time.
• Surrender the outcome to God. You must be willing to give up
the idea that you must win this money in court, and that you
must get revenge for the wrong that was done to you. All the
attention and the emotional energy you are putting into this is
keeping you in a state of lack and limitation. If what you really
want is peace, then surrender the whole situation to God and
detach yourself from the outcome. Let God take care of it.
• Be grateful for what you have. Gratitude increases our good, so
be grateful that you have enough of everything you need right now.

I finally reached the point of giving up.

How much longer did I want to make myself suffer? Yes, my ex

was a creep and those two lawyers were idiots, but I was making
myself more miserable than any of them ever knew or cared. I decid-
ed to ad mit my own part in creati ng this mess:

With the state my consciousness was in at tbe time, these were t~e
kind of people I attracted into my life.
Could 1 forgive myself for my ignorance?
Could I find some way to forgive them as well?

£3 208 0
- - -- - - -- -- - - -- - ·- - - -- -Tix Vid1011 rwJ The Plan ra
Forgivi11g Mean.1 Letting Go
Forgiveness does not mean that we condone the actions of those
who hurt us. It means releasing their hold on our consciousness and
choosing peace instead. I weighed my choices - insist that I must
have justice and the $5, 000 and stay miserable, OR let it go and make
peace with myself.

The thought of peace started to feel like a viable and appealing

alternative to me.

H ow do you actually get to forgiveness? I

didn't know how, but I remembered that
To reach f orgi11e11e.:1t1
when we really want something, we can ask I believe that Jincere
God for help. We don't need to know how - 111illi.11gneJJ 0 1i yotu· part
iJ all it t:ake.1 /or Gou tq <1tep
God takes care of that in mysterious, some-
in anJ take you the re.Jl
times unfathomable ways. So I didn't worry of the 111ay.
about how. To reach forgiven ess I believe
that sincere willingness on your part is all it
takes for God to step in and take you the rest of the way. I had to turn
the situation over and over in my mind until I got myself to a state of
mind in which I was truly willing to forgjve - to let go of all the emo-
tional turmoil and accept whatever the outcome would be.

Show Me, Go'dl

The process of getting to that place of willingness w as neither pret-
ty nor peaceful. As I drove up the mountain to my home one day, my
frustration at being unable to find anyone to help boiled over and
spewed out. I shouted, cried, and screamed at God. I could n't take it
anymore. "Show me a sign, Goddammit! " I screamed as I pounded
the steering wheel. "Either send me the right person to help me or
show me that I should give it up - I Jwear I will pay attention. I sur-
render! JUST SHOW ME, GOD!"

E3 209 s
El ~1111.1 011 Top

At the time I didn't know that one of the most powerful prayers
you can send out is a "show me" prayer. By the time I got home I was
completely exhausted emotionally, but a strange feeling slowly rose to
the surface of my awareness. An unfamiliar sense of calm and peace
came over me. I went to bed and slept for 14 hours straight.

Two days later, I received a call from a lawyer who listened to my

story and said he was willing to appear as an expert witness for me.
One of the dozens of lawyers 1 called had discussed my situation with
him and given him my phone number. He called me! Thank you, Codi

Re/.ea.<1ing ReJen.tmenu
l was extremely grateful, even hopeful, that I might win after all;
but I knew better than to go back to my old thinking. I stayed calm
and worked on remaining detached from the outcome. I had my day
in court and did the best I could. 1 got the satisfaction of making both
of those incompetent jerks sit in front of the judge and squirm
because they knew they had screwed up. I was awarded enough
money to pay my expert witness with just a small amount for me. By
that time, the money didn't mean anything to me. I was so happy to
let go of all those poisonous resentments and instead, focus on direct-
ing my energy in to positive pursuits.

1 learned th at lesson. These days 1 don't allow myself to build up

big blobs of resentment. I enjoy having good flowing to me freely and
easily. The ocean of my emotions has its ups and downs, but the
storms blow over quickly . Rarely am 1 disconnected for long from the
peace of God that is at my center.

Are you holding onto anger and resentment from the past? Unless
you find a way to release yourself from these blocks, you'll have a
very difficult time hav1ng a good relationship with a man. A man
worth having j g smart enough to back away from a woman with left-

c 210 0
 The Vi1um and Tiu Plan ['.!]
over anger infecting her mind and soul. When you're free of it, you
can handle upsets and disagreements with your partner in a way that
doesn't inflict fatal injuries on your relationship.

The Magic of Detachme11.1:

To improve your relations hips with the people close to you (and
people in general) one of the best qualities to develop in yourself is
detachment. D etachment does n't mean that you don't care. It means
that you don't take things personalJy. Many of us are emotionally
thin-skinned and super-sensitive when another person does or says
something that seems hurtful. This super-sensitivity can usually be
traced to old emotional hurts that have never
DOEJt::JEJBDr.!JE:3800
been healed. A s mall word or gesture from
another can trigger an automatic reaction as Detaclmwit Joun't mean
that you 'Jon 't care. It l1UaJU
if that person unwittingly reopened that old that you 'Jon't take thi11g.1
wound. We jump to conclusions, overreact, perJ011ally.
and get upset.

When you heal those hurts, you develop a thicker emotional skin.
Now, those same words and gestures bounce off y ou. You are able to
use your rational mind to observe what is going on and realize that
the other person 's upset probably has little or not hing to do with you
and everything to do with them. This abi lity to stop yourself from
having an emotional reaction a nd detach yourself from getting entan-
gled in the other person's emotions is dif ficult, if not impossible, to
practice when you are full of your own anger and resentment.

In our most intimate relationships, exercis.i ng the skill of detach-

ment has huge benefits. It allows y ou to sideste p or shorten the time
y ou and your partner spend quarreling about the little stuff. It gives
y ou the courage and compassion to repair the hurts y ou may inflict
on each other before they turn into deep emotional wounds.

Cl 2 11 0
 El Vt11114 On Top

Even on our best days, both Earth Mothers and Star Women can
be impatient and sharp-tongued when things upset us. Don't let old
hurts lessen your chances for happiness. No matter how bad it feels
right now, those emotional potholes can be healed and sealed.

Remember, you don't have to know how to do it or even who

should help y ou. Send a prayer of sincere willingness out into the uni-
verse, then pay attention and watch for signs. You will be Led to what-
ever and whomever you need to help you heal. Your present (or
future) partner '"'rill be thankful that you did.

Step 5. Stop Judging and Stop Blaming

We human beings have this thing called the ego, which loves to be
right. It enjoys pointing out other people's flaws and foibles and
telling them how wrong they are. It gets ail puffed up with self-right-
eousness and is quick to place the blame on anyone but us.

You can almost laugh off this one-sided behavior when you see it
in children, but it is most unattractive in an adult. Not only is it unat-
tractive, it is also very destructive when it co.mes to relationships.
Jesus himself cautioned against it in no uncertain terms: "Judge not,
that ye be not judged." (Matthew 7:2)

The error we make when we are judg-

mental is that, as mere human beings, we
The error we ma.ke
when 1ve are1iUJ.911tental id can never know the whole truth about any
that, M mere human beingJ, situation. Only God knows that. Your mis-
we can ne11er know the whole sion on earth is not to be the judge and jury
truth ahout ally Jitaation.
of eve.r yone else's business. You have quite
enough to occupy your mind if you just stick
to your own business.

~ 212 0
 The llt:11011 anu The Plan m
A Tough Le.JJoti A hout Judgment
I learned a very tough lesson about being j udgmental within my
own family. My mother's brother, Uncle Fred, was married to Aunt
Dot for many years. She was never a terribly sociable person and
usually spent family gatherings sitting quietly, chain-smoking in a
corner. She became more withdrawn as the years w ent on and then
started having mental problems serious enough to land her in the hos-
pital. She would stabilize temporarily for weeks or months, then get
worse again and return to th e hospital. Sometimes my aunts babysat
her while my uncle was at work, because she couldn't be trusted to
care for herselF.

As the years dragged on, many family members became increas-

ingly irritated with the situation. We'd make fun of her and wonder
why my uncle didn't just put her in the hospital permanently and make
a new life for himself. Uncle Fred never complained. H e just kept on
taking care of her as best he could. The doctors never figured out
exactJy what was wrong with her. They kept trying different drugs
and treatments without any great improvement in her condition.

Fina1ly she passed away and we were all relieved. Uncle Fred
allowed the doctors to do an autopsy to see if they could find the
cause of her illness. It tu rned out that there was a tumor deep in her
brai n that was intermittently pressing on blood vessels. Lack of oxy-
gen to her brain for random periods of rime caused her aberrant
behavior.

When I learned this, 1 fe lt sick to my stomach. I had been making

snide comments about my aunt and uncle for years. No one knew the
w hole story until after she died. My uncle didn't judge her. He prom-
ised to love and cherish her "in sickness and in health" and that's just
what he did all those years.

c 2 /J 0
 E:'3 Vm11o1 On TtJp

JJ1ental Self-'ducipline ii a MUJt

Judging and blaming are just ba.d mental ha bi ts t hat we need to
change. It takes mental self-discip line to hold your tong ue when one
Oc:J£:38£30E!D&aOGD of those thoughts begs to be expressed, but
your relationsh ips with other people are so
Ju~9i119 a11J blaming are
much more pleasant when you refrain. You
;iut ba:J mental babit.1 that
we need to change. can learn to express you r displeasure or dis-
appointment 'withou t being accusatory.

CourteJy or Contempt?
Men are especially gratefu l w hen y ou overlook something they
know they did wrong. It hurts them deeply when we criticize them
(especially in front of others) a nd t heir hurt is often expressed as
anger. Some of us are more polite w hen we talk to our empl oyees than
our mates.

Marriage expert, Dr. John Cottman, says he can predict with

great accuracy w hether a couple is headed fo r divorce by simply
observing whether they treat each othe r with contempt or courtesy.

Harmony u the Reward

Giving up the ego's habi t of judging and blaming is a small price to
pay for harmony. Whenever I'm tempted to blame someone or some-
thing outsid e of myself, I make myself stop
and thin k about what my part is in the situ-
Giving up the ation. Were my expectations unclear to this
ego'.:! habit ofjuugin.IJ anu pe rson? ls this situation simply not within
hiami11g iJ a J11uzLI price to my control? 1 find the lesson to be learned,
pay for harnwny.
cl ean up or change whatever was my part in
it, a nd let the rest go.

Cl 214 ['.)
 ''Freedom ... i<.1 the outgrowth of our willinglleJ<I to make
co1ucioa.J choicu of our own free will and to live through
the con<1eque11ce.1 of our choicu without blame, t1hame,
or guilt. "
-lyanla Vanzant

Serenity id Alluring
Make up your mind to stop wasting your emotional energy on judg-
ment and blame. Life is too short for that nonsense. Once you are well
on your way to mastering Steps Four and Five, you wiJI have an incred-
ible advantage over other women on the dating scene, or you will begin
to experience a whole new level of harmony and joy in your married life.

Do you know how difficult it is for single men to Find a woman

who is responsible, compassionate, and non-judgmental-who is
quick to forgive and slow to criticize? You are a rare and desirable
treasure, indeed!

Can you appreciate how grateful your husband will be if you hold
your tongue instead of firing off one of your devastatingly clever crit-
ical remarks next t ime he messes up? A merciful wife is a precious
jewel to her man.

Step 6. Clean Up Your Finances

Fear of taking responsibility for their
finances can actually stop some women cold The 1zu11WerJ in that
in their journey to power. This fear must be checkbook of yourJ are not
faced and conquered if y ou are ever to be the your enemy.
powerful woman you want to be. The num-
bers in that checkbook of yours are not your
enemy. They are just numbers.

G 215 Q
 a ~m1.1 On Top

Mon~J and Con.Jciou.me.J.J

Money is a very emotional issue for everyone. The way we use (or
misuse) money is a reflection of our consciousness. If you are over-
spending and mismanaging your money, superficial fixes like "mak-
ing a budget" don't work. The place to do the work is in your con-
sciousness. What beliefs do you have that are operating in the back-
ground and causing you to put yourself in a place of scarcity and
lack? What beliefs do you have about yourself that cause you to
accept a job that doesn't pay enough, or hold you back from starti ng
that business you dream about?

Star Women and Money

Star Women are visionaries and leaders. Most don't like to get
bogged down in gritty financial details. Star Women often run their
own businesses or are self-employed because
they like to be free t o do things their own
If 111e 'don't develop way. They are constantly envisioning the big
enough .1elj-owcipli11e to
11ui1Ulf)e our 11wney
picture and may not pay careful enough
rupo11.1ibly, 1uuty .1arpn4e.t attention to the details of their financial pic-
and 11w11ey dtdaJterJ plague ture. If we don't develop enough self-disci-
our li11u mzJ iJrain
our energy.
pline to manage our money responsibly, nasty
surprises and money disasters plague our
lives and drain our energy.

Star \Vomen are often in a position to attract lots of money

because they can be so results-oriented. They shine in fields like sales
where aggressiveness is rewarded, but they can easily get caught up
in overspending on luxuries and status symbols. When they learn to
rei11 in their impulsiveness and exercise patience and prudence, Star
Women can enjoy keeping and growing their money as much as
spending it.

El3 216 m
 The Vt',,1011 an'{) The Plan

Earth l11other.; an.d MonetJ

Earth Mothers can be excellent stewards of money by using their
aptitude for nurturing and growth if they are emotionally well bal-
anced and mature. However, Earth l\llothers can also be plagued v.rith
an ap parent inability to manage their money and a tendency to over-
spend and create debt, if they allow emotional issues to affect their
money consciousness. Some Earth Mothers marry and expect their
husbands to take care of all the finances. Then they receive a rude
wake-up call when divorce or death makes them realize that their
ignoran ce of the family fi nances has left them in a precarious position.

Money R.edpon<1ibility
Every w oman, no ma tter what her personality type, must learn to
handle money responsibly and learn the basics of personal finance,
whether her man is a pauper or a prince. Most financial experts will
tell you that it is not the amount of money you earn, but what you do
with that money that makes the difference. Since women so often out-
live their husbands, it is foolish and shortsighted to assume that a hus-
band will always be there to take care of you and your money.

And don't think that if and when you have a large amount of
money, you can simply hand it over to that nice man or woman at the
big· i.ovestment firm and they will take care of it for you. How many
horror stories have you heard about people who did just that and lost
their entire life savings by trusting someone with their money who
turned out to be unscrupulous o r just plain
ascoaa~Gar.!Jtao
incompetent? No one will ever look out for
your money as well as you do. Learn to do it No one wiLL ever
look out for your nwney
y ourself and no one wi ll have the power or
aJ weLL (lJ you Jo.
the opportunity to destroy you financially.

c 217 [.'.)
 mVe1~w 011 Top

Your attitude
If you have the attitude "I hate dealing
ahout money ii juA like the with money," then guess what? Money runs
poJitive and 1ugative polu of away from you I Money is not bad or evil,
a mag1ut: it can. attract
or it can repu./.;e.
but it doesn't like to hang around where it
isn't appreciated. Your att itude about
money is just like the positive and negative
poles of a magnet: it can attract or it can repulse. I've been on both
sides and, believe me, attraction is better.

In my younger days, my money consciousness was so negative that

I had to declare bankruptcy not once, but twice. In fact, it would have
been three times except that when husband number two declared
bankruptcy during our separation before the divorce, I found out that
legally I could not do it. It was too soon after my first bankruptcy l
Imagine how scared I was that his creditors would come after me.

But even that wasn't enough to make me change my ways. Some

of us have extremely strong, wily egos and mine was a real monster.
I didn't learn my lesson after husband number two, so of course, I got
into trouble again. Husband number three became a gambling addict
and wrecked our finances. That was the end of that marriage and the
start of divorce number three. After d ivorce number three came
bankruptcy number two. I was in a big mess for a long time before I
actually filed for bankruptcy again. I kept hoping l could make
enough money to pay back all the creditors, but with the bad state I
was in emotionally it was impossible for me to earn that much extra
money beyond my living expenses. So I suffered and struggled along.

Finally, with the help of a wise and compassionate spiritual coun-

selor, I was able to make the decision to declare bankruptcy for the
second time. She told me that debt is a way of punishing yourself, and

G 21s r::J
- - - - -- ··-··

asked me if I was ready to stop punishing myself and get on with my

life. I was and I did.

Starting from ground zero financially at Debt,-., a way of

age 47 like I had to do is not something I'd pum".!hi11g your.1elf.
wish on anyone.

Changing Money Karma

I knew I had to change my rotten money karma and through deep
spiritual work, I learned that it was my consciousness and my belief
systems that needed to be changed. I read books on prosperity, went
to classes and workshops, and asked for individual counseling from
my minister. (My favorite books on the subject are listed in the
Bibliography).

It took dedicated work to dig out those old beliefs and it took time
for the new beliefs to take root, but gradually my financial situation
improved. It's like sailing one of those old wooden sea schooners. A
small change in the position of the rudder doesn't seem Like much as
you are doing it, but the result is that you end up at a completely dif-
ferent destination.

Operating under my old beliefs I hated opening the mail because

I knew there was not enough money coming in to pay all the bills. I
avoided balancing my checkbook because I didn't want to know how
much (or how little) money I really had. The thought of writing
checks to pay bills gave me a stomachache.

Now it's a whole different story! I'm happy to pay my bills because
I always have more than enough. I love looking at my checklng
accounts, knowing to the penny how much money they contain. Once
in a great while I make a mistake, but l don't panic. I look those fig-
ures squarely in the eye and calmly figure out what to do. I shift
money around, as I need to.

~ 219 0
e Ve11.11.1 On. Top

Taking Care of Bt.Uine.1.:J

I take care of business and it is no longer a big problem. I am able
to deal comfortably with larger and larger sums of money. My will-
ingness to be responsible with money means more and more money is
attracted to me. It knows it has a very good home in my hands. I have
always dreamed of being a millionaire and I am now on my way.

Being self-employed and a natural-born risk-taker, my cash flow

can fluctuate greatly from one month to the next. For example, last
year I bought some land and used a large part of my cash cushion for
the down payment of $8,000. In just over a year, that land went up in
value so much that it is now worth $18,000 more than I paid for it. I
more than doubled my investment in less than a year, but I had to
take a calculated risk to do so. And I had to live with the conse-
quences of having less cash on hand than I usually work with. I had
to keep closer tabs on my cash flow and also make the paymen ts on
this investment. I have no complaint about the extra attention that
was requjred of me. I made money on that deal and I stayed solvent
doing it. This is a far cry from the old me.

Income Tax? I Lo,,e It!

I even changed my attitude about paying taxes. In the past, I
resented paying taxes and I believe that attitude was part of the rea-
son I wasn't making much money. The subconscious mind works on
automatic pilot and makes no value judgments about our instructions
to it. My mind was thinking, "I don 't want to pay thousands of dol-
lars in taxes. I hate paying ta.-xes ! " So the subconscious created what
I wanted. It kept my money magnet set on negative. I attracted very
little money, and therefore paid very little in taxes during those years.
I got just what I asked for!

N ow I'm actually proud of paying taxes because it means I'm real-

ly making money. Of course I have a great accountant who makes

a 220 8
sure I take every deduction legally allowed so I don't pay more than
I need to. But it makes me feel really good when I sign those checks
to the IRS for thousands of dollars every quarter. How wonderful
(and how usual) that I have enough money to pay my taxes with plen-
ty left for me. How fabulous it is to do what I enjoy (writing, speak-
ing, designing) and make a good profit from my work.

'1 very finearfy {<1icj WWb you wou/.iJ exert yourc1e/f .JO
a<1to keep all your matteN in order your<1elf without
iJepeniJing on other.I a.I that i<1 the only way to he happy
- to have all your h1uinu.1 in your own handJ."
-Martha Wa<1hington

Every person needs to develop a healthy personal money conscious-

ness and come to the realization that nothing outside of us is the source
of our good and abundance. It all flows from
flOaGCr:JE3r:JflGE3r!l
God directly to us and it is up to us to be a
good steward of our abundance-money and E11ery perJon need.I
all. Your financial situation is a reflection of tQ de11elop a healthy perJonaL
11zo1zey con.1cwu.1rre.1J and
your consciousness. Changing it or improving come to the realizatwn that
it is an inside job. Martha Washington's advice nothing outJide of u.1 iJ
the Jottru of our good
is right on target for us today: "Hm'e al! your
and ahttndance.
bwineatJ 1.n yow· own handJ. "

Tithillg
No discussion of financial responsibility and success is complete
without the principle of tithing. This is the practice of giving away a
part of your income to a person or organization where you receive
spiritual nourishment or perceive good work is done . Tithing is an
ancient principle taught by many religious traditions. The magic of
tithing is that it keeps us firmly implanted in the cycle of giving and
receiving. It shows us that when we give, we ;;Jways receive.

Ej 221 El
 e Ve1111.1 011 Top

A good rule of thumb is to tithe 10 percent of your income. When

we believe that all good comes from God it makes p erfect sense to
take the fi rst l 0 percent of what we receive and send it back into cir-
culation to do good. This may seem like a lot to give away if you have
been living in the consciousness oflack. You can start w ith just 2 per-
cent or 3 percent i.f you need to. The impor-
COEl8C8E3DD8E3c::J
tant thing is to start giving and make it a reg-
The actum of tithi11.9 ular practice. The action of tithing sends a
.1e11'J.1 a me.Mage to the
message to the universe that you know you
w1iver.1e that you. hww you
a.lwa:y,1 hm•e more always have more than enough . Your will-
than e1w11.9h. ingness to give opens up the channel for you
to receive.

Since my income can fluctuate I have a different strategy for my

ti.thing. I tithe the same amount of money every week to my church
no matter what's in my bank account. I have developed a strong inner
knowing that l always have more than enough and my tith ing prac-
tice proves it to me. At the beginning of every year I give God a raise
because I know that means I am getting one too !

The Joy of Being in Control

You will derive great satisfaction and a feeling of real. accomplish-
ment when you bring your finances under control and you a re no
longer ruled by fear. Your ability to see a man's character clearly w ill
not be clouded by his financial assets (or lack thereof). Lack of
money is a terrible energy drain that no woman need suffer. Money
is a wonderful tool when a woman of power wields it with integrity.

Step 7. Live a Balanced, Healthy Life

It is very easy and tempting for a woman with a strong Star Woman
profile to become a workaholic. We are hell-bent on accomplishing ou r
goals and woe to anyone who tries to slow us down. The danger that
w e risk is becoming so stressed and burned-out that we aren't effective

El 222 r:J
 Tbe Vi:flim and Tbe Plan ~

or happy at work or at home. Our loved ones don't get the attention
they deserve and we become too emotionally exhausted to care.

Earth Mothers can just as easily slide into the workaholtc lifestyle
as they focus on doing for eve1yone else and ignore their own needs.
They can be caught in a terrible bind because staying at home to raise
the children receives little appreciation in our culture. An artistic
Earth Mother friend told me that people make the cruelest remarks
to her Hke, "Gee, you're so talented. Too bad you wasted y our life just
being a mother." But a mother who goes out to work is then criticized
for not being there for her family.

The Way Out De1•el.op Y"ur Jem.i1zine

The way out of this bind is to develop your power and a.le it to equaliu
feminine power and use it to equalize the bal- the balance of power in
your bouJeho/J.
ance of power in your household. If we wait
for the men to volunteer, it may never hap-
pen! Being a martyr and getting burned out with stress and overwork
is a shameful waste of the talents and energy of women .

A woman thrives when she is mindful to nurtur e herself, to

recharge her batteries so there is always enough energy for all her
many interests and responsibilities. This is
E3 t:.l El t:l D r:J C C!l E:3 G E:3 t:.l
the time to call on your "Volcano Woman"
aspect to stand up for your right to live a bal- A wlJ11za11 tbriveJ
anced life and to help you find ingenious whm ,1he t'.! minJJul to
1wrlllre he1ve/f.
ways to accomplish it.

If your life is so harried and stressful that you don't have time for
friends and family, only you can choose to make positive changes.
Struggling is not necessary. God does not award bonus points for suf-
fering and struggling. But ]twill respond when you ask for help in
reordering your priorities to attain balance. Llfe is meant to flow in

~ 22J 0
 e 1&1111.• 011 1op

harmony and balance. Look at the world of nature around us.

Everything works in an orderly rhythm~the growing cycles, the sea-
sons, the waxing and waning of the moon. Mother Nature never
rushes anything and neither should we.

When you align yourself and your pur-

pose to your Higher Power, whatever you
When you align
yourJe/f aJW your purpo.Je need comes to you when you need it. When
to your Higher Power, you have complete faith that God's plan is
wha.te11er you /leed co11w to
always better than your plan, you don't
you. when you neeJ it.
wony and fret when things don't go accord-
ing to your plan. It just means there's anoth-
er, better plan in play. When you trust in the Divine, the occasional
bout of chaos and disorder in your life is only annoying, not disastrous.

Reclaiming Sere11.il:tJ
Women can be very intense in the pursuit of thei r goals. We ben-
efit from training ourselves to just stop sometimes and smell the roses.
You are not attractive when you are tense and worried. This is when
it is so important to have a solid spiritual foundation. The faith and
tn1st you develop over tlme reduces worry significantly. Your being
becomes grounded in peace and serenity. A
serene woman has a mysterious air about
A Jerene woman haJ a her that is fascinating to men. They see so
my.1teri.ouJ air about her that many "killer women," aggressive and com-
tJ Ja.1ci11atin.g to men.
bative, ready for a fight. A serene woman is
a refreshing and welcome rarity.

Our feminine power is not based on accomplishments in the out-

side world the way masculine power is. lt comes from whom we are
inside. We are born with it, but in our culture that personal power is
easiJy lost. So we must rediscover and reclaim our unique power cen-
ter. Living our life in balance helps us do just that.

a 224 GJ
 I believe that living a balanced li fe begins witb choosing a nd con-
sciously placing your fundamental values in order. My personal pri-
ority list looks like this:

1. God -My li fe is bui lt on a solid spiritual foundation. When I take

the time to connect with God daily everything else falls into place.
2. Self- My physical a nd men tal well-being are essential. \Vithout
good phy sical and mental health I can't accomplish anything else,
so I take good care of my body and my mind. I make sure I get
enoug h renewal and relaxation time every week.
3. Husband -My partner is t he most important person in my file
before other family members. Giving him th e love and attention he
needs keeps our relationship strong and allows him to give me what
I need.
4 . Family- If I had children th ey would be next on th e list, but
since I don't I put my immediate fam ily next. Relationships with
parents and siblings must be nurtured with regular communica-
tion and visits.
5. Everything Else -Work is qui te important to me because I enjoy
it and because it brings income, but rarely do l allow it to come
before my higher priorities. When l' m working on a special project
and want to push through to t he Finish I may put it in #2 o r #3 posi-
tion, but only tempora rily.

Our lives a re so busy and there are so many activities and distrac-
tions vying for our time. Without a clear definition of y our priorities
to guide you it is all too easy to spend your £'30COUt:JElc:lc:3QDG
time being pushed and pu lled in all directions
by other people's demands. Some will look at If you don't take eare
of your own rzeed.1 you will
this list and think it seems selfish to put your- 00011 have nothing left
self above your husband and fam ily. The to give other.J.
problem is that if you don't take care of y our

c 225 0
e l~1111J On Top

own needs you wiU soon have nothing left to give others. For this rea-
son the airline crew always tells us that if the oxygen masks drop
down in an emergency situation you should put on your own mask
first, then help your child with his or hers. The same principle applies
to your everyday life.

Once you decide what your priorities are it is much easier to make
decisions about the best use of your time. Instead of automatically
saying yes to everyone's wants, you can stop and consider where
they flt in to your list. Make sure that the top priorities and people
get the time and attention they need from you first. Learn to say no
to things that interfere with your top priorities. You may feel guilty
when you begin to do this, especially when you get a disapproving
or even angry reaction from someone who has always expected you
to be compliant.

There are only 24 hours in a day and once time passes we have no
way to get it back or do it over. No one on his or her deathbed ever
says, "I wish I had put in more hours at work." We all believe that
relationships are precious, yet too often the people we love are r ele-
gated to the bottom of our "To Do" list! Balance is a necessary ingre-
dient in a well-lived life. Only you can decide what your exact per-
sonal requirements for balance are, but the following guidelines are a
good start:

• Take the time to take care of yourself physically, mentally, and

spiritually.
• Be clear on what you value and say no to activities, invitations,
and commitments that don't align with your values.
• If you value your family spend enough time with them-don't
work late every night and most of the weekend.
• If you value your health eat right and get enough exercise to
stay fit.

g 226 8
 • If your spiritual self is important to you, do what helps you con-
tinue growing and learning-activities like classes, yoga, medita-
tion , volunteer work, etc.

Workaholi.'c No J11ore
You 're probably not surprised to learn that I once was a world-
class workaholic, are you? Oh, yes, I used to believe that Lhe only
way to get a head was to work hard and long. I barely had ti me for
friends and a social l.ifo. Sometimes I didn't even leave my a ll-impor-
tant business in California to visit my mother in New J ersey for two
or three years at a stretch. l actually thought my struggles with my
work were more important. It's painful to admit how out of bala nce I
was and how shallow my values were.

It wasn't unti l I moved to the mountains in Big Bear Lake that I

started to li ve a life that had some balance to it. l was careful to keep
my living expenses as low as possible so I wouldn't have to freak out
if I had a slow month in my design business. I adopted a dog and
started hiking every day. 1 joined a local theater group, Found a
church that l liked, started making friends. One day it dawned on me:
I was no longer a workaholic. I had a balanced life with lots of peo-
ple and pleasures in it. Work was just one part of life now, not the
large majority, as it once was.

Life l1t Balance

I'm getting better and better at this thing called "balance."

Now I have people help w ith my design business so l can concen-

trate on doing the things I'm best at. Last year I took in more money
in design fees than ever before, and worked less hours! I have time to
enjoy being with my husband, as well as travel. 1 dance. I write. I'm
very involved with my church, where I'm studying to become a prac-
titioner. I have fun playing keyboard in our church band, "High
S pirits." Li Fe Ts Good l

G 227 Q
e Venw 011 Top

Don't try to tell me your situation is dif-

No ivorthwhi/e man 111a11t.1
ferent and impossible to change. If you keep
a .Jtre.ued-out worryivart for living a life of too much stress and not
a gir(frieno or a uiife. enough pleasure, it will be very difficult for
you to atiTact a good man or to k eep the one
you have. No worthwhile man wants a stressed-out wonywart for a
girlfriend or a vlife. And what woman wants to be that unhappy?

If this is you, the answer is not to buy a bigger, better day planner
or get up an hour earlier. It's in your consciousness. You knew I was
going to say that by now, didn't you? (t'syour beliefs about work and
worry that have kept you on that miserable treadmill to nowhere.
Choose to take the steps that will ferret out that old mental garbage
and grow a beautiful, balanced garden of positive be}jefs in your
mind, instead.

PletUure i.:1 a MJMt

Taking ti.me for relaxation and pleasure is not a luxury - it's a must
for every woman. T he world will not stop turning if you sit down and
read a romance novel, get a pedicure or massage, play some music, or
engage in whatever your favorite pleasure may be. When we're in
struggle mode, that old Protestant work ethic that's etched into our
American consciousness makes us feel smug, self-r ighteous, and jus-
tified in our suffering. Stop killing yourself this instant!

Since you haven't yet given yourself permission to live differently,

I V'.rill do it fo r you, so pay attention.

I hereby give you, gentle, tired reader, complete permission

and total approval to live a balanced, healthy life, to make
choices that nourish your soul and your body, to establish
peace and serenity as the center of your being.

Now get out there and loaf! Don't DO anything. Just BE.

t3 228 D
 Tbe Vi1wn a11J Tbr Plt1J1 m
Being is where we need to live. Being· is it. Believe it. Let your life
come into balance now. Everything you need is supplied to you. You
are becoming the woman you were meant to
£3DDODOCOa8CD
be. Imagine how good it feels to be powerfu l,
passionate and peaceful - all at the same Nothing ca11 .!top
a. woman whoJe power an'd
time. Nothing can stop a woman whose paJJion are expreJJW from
power and passion are expressed &om her her Jtrong, Jpirit-fille'J,
strong, spirit·-filled, calm, confident, peaceful calm, confUJent,
peaceful cenfl!I:
center.

Nothing.

Step 8. Give and Receive Graciously

Some women are fortunate enough to have a large giving nature
and a small ego, but I'm not one of them. l was blessed with a big,
tough, demanding ego that wanted to go out and conquer the world.

Unlike some wise Native American tribes, our society makes no

provisions for identifying, grooming, and educating its future Star
Women. As a child I was smart and sassy and naturally assumed a
leadership role in almost any group in which I participated.

And too often ] delighted in using my powers of persuasion to

serve the dark side and inflate my ego. I always had a knack for
dreaming up some mischief and getting other kids to carry out my
plans. In school other girls labeled me "pushy." I was often exasper-
ated with their relative passiveness and sometimes expressed it force-
fully with li ttle regard for thei r feelings. Had I been more fortunate,
1 would have been born into a tribe that knew how to shape and focus
the energy of their Star Girls in a direction that would benefit both
the tribe and the girl.

m 229 D
~ Va111.1 On Top

Learning to Give
lt wasn't until reaching my thirties that I began to appreciate the
virtues of giving and nurturing. I realized that I was never going to
have the kind of love I wanted unless I put down my sword and
shield, and let the loving, lovable part of myself shine in the light of
day. I had a sincere desire to become softer and more approachable
instead of brittle and standoffish.

I launched a mental archeological dig to find those lost parts of

myself buried under calcified layers of hurt and disappointment. My
ego had done such a brilliant and thorough job of building my defenses
that I wouldn't let any man (or even friend) get close to me.

Getti11.g Off tbe GILLu i11owitain

Why would any sensible, warm, kind, loving man want to even try
to get close to a woman with a chip on her shoulder, a woman who
was much more concerned with what she was goi ng to get than what
she could give? I was living a fairytale life; only my fairytale was the
one about the princess on the glass mountain. One suitor after another
tried and failed to scale that cold, slippery mountain of glass. I didn't
want to play that game any longer. I had to get off the glass mountain
and turn myself into a w hole human being whose We would no longer
be run by the fears of my ego.

I worked with several therapists, but rehas hing the past didn't do
much good. When I began e:>..t>loring the philosophy of Reiigious
Science, I found a practical set of spiritual principles that made sense to
me. I learned about the ego and the Higher SeU: and decided to put my
ego in the back seat and my Higher Self in t he driver's seat of my life.

1 was in that place where the pain of staying the same was worse
than the pain of changing. I wasn't a bad person. I was just dragging
around a lot of emotional hurt and pain that had never healed. I didn't

E3 250 0
 Th,· Vilwn mu] Tht Plan CtJ
even know that what I needed was emotional healing. As I did my
spiritual work and study, the healing began to happen for me. How it
happened is still a mystery that I don't fully understand, but I am
grateful beyond belief for it, because the kind, loving, giving me was
able to emerge and blossom.

The Black Hole

In my darker days, I held an image of myself as a person with a
gaping black hole just b~l ow my solar plexus. I tried to fill that hole
with all kinds of things; g uys, drugs, alcohol, spending sprees, food,
you name it. What I looked for was that feeling of love that I thought
was lacking.

As the old emotional pain healed and I grew spiritually, a new

understanding came and a new visual image too. As I came to know
and believe that I was enoug h, that everything I need is within me,
love started flowing out from inside me - out of that black hole, out
to other people, out to the world. It began as a trickle and progressed
into a free-flowing spring.

Rever.1e the Flow

The black hole healed completely when I let go of my fea r and just
gave without any concern about getting anything back. There was
that love a nd that good fee l.ing I was searching for, within me all the
time. All I had to do was reverse the flow. That was a life-changing
revelation - a turning point for me. Giving is
easy for me now.
Learn how tu give - to love -
I sincerely hope that you are not as tough tZJW your life ope11J up to flew
a case as I was. What a stubborn ego I had depthJ and real happinuJ.
(all the better to protect you with, my dear!).
Star Women can be real tough cookies. But until we learn how to
freely express our loving, kind, giving side, great love with a great

El 2JJ t::)
 EJ ~nu.• 011 Top
man remains elusive. Learn how to give - to love - and your life
opens up to new depths and real happiness. To love is a verb. It's not
a thing you get or keep; it's a process and an attitude.

Learning to Receive
Women (even us tough cookies) have a much easier time giving
than receiving. Learning to receive graciously is a long lost art, except
maybe for Southern belles. Those ladies seem to have the knack for
it. To be receptive is the very essence of
being female. V·/e have so many negative
To he recepti.11e iJ the thoughts f1oating around in our cultural con-
11ery e.1.1e11ce <if being female.
sciousness about receiving. Here are a few
of my favorites:

• I mustn't b e greedy.
• I mustn't be selfish.
• It's better to give than to receive.
• I shouldn't act ungrateful for this food that l don't like when there
a re people starving in (pick one): a. Africa, b. India, or c. China.
• Rich people are unhappy, selfish snobs.
• The meek shall inherit the earth.
• Blessed are the poor.
D eveloping a healthy attitude toward receiving means unlearning
all the negative, shaming attitudes and ideas that we grew up with.
DDCGDOCc:JElc:.JDG God doesn't put us here to suffer from lack
of anything. There is enough food, air, water,
De11ewpi.n9 a healthy and shelter for every human being on earth.
aJ:titude toward receiving
me11.11J unlearning all the
But if we believe we are not deserving of
negative, ohami119 attitude.J h.aving enough, our subconscious goes right
and idea.1 that we to work on that belief a nd makes sure that
grew up with.
lack is w hat we experience.

a 2;2 a
- - - - - - -- - ____ ______Th" Vi.11'n11111") The Plcm a
"God dou not pwz.iib uJ. lPe pwtiih our.1elve.1 with guilt,
t1hame, and fear whe12 we choot1e 1wl to a ct i11 concert 1vitb
our i1Zhere12tly divine 1Zature."
-lyanla Vanzant

What do you say when someone gives you a compliment like, "What
a nice sweater that is." Do you say something like, "Oh, this old thing?
It's nothing special." Can you instead just say, "Thank you" and simply
receive the compliment without diminishing it? ff not, you might want
to give yourself the assignment to practice saying "Thank you" and
nothing else, any time a nyone says somethi.ng nice about you.

1\ilost of our parents were brought up in families in w hich children

were to be seen and not heard . They were afraid that if they praised
us loo much we would grow up "spoiled" and selfish. They did not
know how to give a chiJd a healthy sense of self-estee m and self-
respect balanced with humi.lity for self and respect for others. As
adults we can choose not to accept old childhood beliefs that we are
not good enough or deserving enough.

I grew up with a classic case of w hat I call "New J ersey

Syndrome." When you live in New Jersey, you FeeJ tha:t you'll never
measure up to New York. You're always second best. Any New
Yorker you meet is happy to reinforce your feelings of inferiority by
pointing out the inadequacies of Jersey d rivers and lhe incomparable
cu ltural advant.ages of the Big Apple. I had to overcome a long histo-
ry of feeling "not good enough," but I persevered and changed that
belief' by doing the work necessary to change my conscio usness at a
deep leve l.

The Raffle Queen

1 knew I was making real progress when I started winning raffles
all around town. Big Bear is very big on holding raffles for fundrai.s-
ers. I never used to win anything when I'd buy raffle tickets, but sud-

D 2J.i t:J
9 Ve111t.1 011 Top

denly I was winning! It was almost like witchcraft. I'd see a gift cer-
tificate for ski li ft tickets on tbe rafA e table, picture myself up on the
slopes and next thing you know, they're calling my name as the win-
ner. J once won four prizes in one night! Sometimes T'd leave the
event early and get a phone call the next day, ''You won again! Come
get you r prize!"

People started calling me "The Raffle Queen" and I proudly

accepted that moniker ! l was no longer second best or not good
enough. 1 was a winner! I believed it and saw the proof in the physi-
cal world. This experience might seem silly or superficial to some, but
for me it was a milestone io my spiritual growth. Once I truly
believed I was good enough and deserved to be successful, my life
improved by leaps and bounds. Having good things happen to me
and receiving and accepting those things without reservation is now
my normal way of life.

Devel.oping N ew Beliefi1
To have a good and happy life, you must first believe that it's okay for
you to have it. So if you are harboring any old beliefs that you are unde-
serving or not good enough, they've got to go!
Replace them with the truth. You deserve to
You de.Jerve to he happy
be happy and you a.re good enough. You are
and you are good enough.
the beloved creation of the Divine!

Once we have dissolved the old negative stuff, the fun really starts.
Then you can begin playing a game with God called "How M.uch
Good Can I Accept"? No matter how much good, joy, pleasure, and
happiness you believe you can handle, God never runs out of more to
give you. The only limitation is how much love or money or fun you
believe you can have. Continually expanding your capacity to rece ive
is a delightful way to spend the rest of your life.

c 2J.I 0
Learning to Recei,1e More
Most of us don't have the consciousness to go from being dead
broke one day to being a millionaire the next. Witness the stories of
lotto w inners who manage to lose all their w i.nnings in a few years (in
some cases just a few months !). Their consciousness could not sup-
port the idea of accepting and handling the amount of money that
they won. They end up right back where they started, bewildered and
dismayed, wondering how it happened.

That's why it's better to expand y our capacity to receive gradual-

ly, one small step at a time. It wasn't that long ago that keeping a four
figure ba lance in my checkbook for one solid month was a thrilling
accomplishment. A few years ago I built a sroaU house for myself and
was very proud and delighted that I was able to come up with about
$ 17, 000 in cash toward the down payment. That was a very big deal
fo r me at the time, especially considering that bankrupt was once my
middle name. It was a stretch for me to accept having a checkbook
balance that was five figures instead of three or four.

Now here it is, just two-and-a-half y ears later, and my husband

and I are building another house on speculation to sell for a nice prof-
it. I needed a construction loan for a project of this size, so l diligent-
ly did all my research on the costs involved and put together my cash
requirements spreadsheet. At the high point in the project I will owe
about $300,000. 1 will be paying not one but two mortgages until the
"spec" house is sold. This does not scare me. It doesn't seem like a lot
of money to me now. I've grown into being perfectly comfortable
being responsible for SL"X figu re sums. My capacity for accepting
money increases and e11..-pands step by step. 1 push myself to go
beyond my comfort zone - so with each new adventure, I make sure
the project is a stretch, but not too big of a leap. I have no doubt that
I will reach my goal of being a mi llionaire.

ta 255 EJ
£:3 Venw 011 1:i1p

Receiving i.1 Pun!

Learning to receive is one of the roost fun parts of the process of
spir:itual growth. Facing your tears and your old Limiting belief pat-
terns and changi.ng them takes dedication and work, but it's a pre-
requisite to reaping the rewards of receiving. To keep your receiver
open wide, do as 1 do at least once a week: Close your eyes, spread
your arms out Wl.de, an d say out 1oud : "I'm open, open, open. I'm
ready to receive. Thank you, God!"

May all the good of God pour into you r li fe in a never-ending

stream every day! J\!1ay you always be open, open, open to receive it!

"Change doe.1 11ot occur 111ben we trtJ to beconie

not, hut tiute.aiJ 111be11 we become more of
.;01neq11e we are
who we are. "
-Jacqueline Sm.all

Once you have worked your way through the Eight Steps to
Power, you should be feeling really good about yourself'. L-:lealing old
hurts, replacing old beliefs, getting your life in good order, and learn-
ing to receive - are all necessary steps to your goal. It's as if' you have
plowed the field of your life, gotten rid of anything that did not serve
you, and prepared rich, f'ertile soil. Now you can plant the seeds that
will grow into a new and happier life for you.

With your newly found (or newly expanded) sense of' self-confi-
dence and strength you are ready to tackle the next chapter - Trainin_r;
Your llfan or Why Real Women Don't Do Hout1ework. Putting the tech-
niques in the next chapter to work requires guts and determination,
but that's al l in a day's work for a woman of power like you!

G 2J6 El
 Chapter 10

r~~ta~Mt
Oll ~ ft?eat w~
l:)OH't l:)o f6U1~~

"D oll't cook. Don't clean. No man wilL ever make love to
a woman heca.1,i.fe t1he wa..'l:ed the lino/eu,m- "My God~ the
jloor~I t'.mmaculate. L ie down~ you hot ht'.t ch."
-Joan RiverJ

a t last we reach the chapter many of you have been waiting for.
This is the chapter that answers the burning question women
have been asking for decades: "How can I get my husband to do his
share of the housework?" The answer is simple: you train him to do it.

T his may be simp le, but it ]s not necessari ly easy. It requires your
time, effort, and attention. However, the rewards are great. Learn
how to train him and you can mold him into a man who knows exact-
ly how to make you happy.

257
G Ge El E:3 c:J EU:J
El ~nu.i 011 Top
Tfl 'h y MMt I Train Him?
Before you start protesting that you don 't want to - and shouldn 't
have to - train the man of your dreams, let me ask y ou something.
Have you ever seen a child running around, out of control - w hose
mother makes a half-hearted attempt to stop him and then just gives
up ? Don 't you wish she had made some effort to train that chjjd to
behave better? You set standards for y our child's b ehavior and then
reward him when he behaves the way you want - and punish him
w hen he doesn't. If you don 't, you will have a selfish child who doesn't
respect you and who only obeys y ou when he feels Like it.

And my experience indicates that if y ou have been lackadaisical in

rearing a child, you vvill need to change your ways w hen it comes to
training your man .

"A good man 'doun't;iut happen. They have to be

crea.teu by llJ 1vornen. A guy ii a lump like a doughnut.,,
- Roc1ea1uu. Barr

If y ou 're still having trouble accepting the idea that you must train
your man, let's look at it another way. If you have two friends who
both have dogs, which home do you enjoy visiting more? The one
where the dog jumps up on you the minute you step inside and makes
a nuisance of himself begging for food at the dinner table? Or the
home where the dog sits down promptly at the owner's command and
waits for you to pet him when y ou come in ? In this home the dog
stays on his bed while you have dinner. Of course you prefer to be
around the well-behaved dog.

"Wait a minute," you're saying, "a man is not a dog !" You're won-
dering how you can keep your love and respect for your lover if you
have to train him like a child or a dog.

D 258 CJ
 _ _ _1_ra_1i_
11i1.fJ l1mr 111011 - Or W'h.Y R~11! ll7011u~. Dnn '1 Do Ho11Jework m
Is it easier to love an undisciplined child w ho runs wild and caus-
es you problems, or a ch il d w ho is generally well behaved and makes
you proud?

Which dog do y ou love more ? The one who messes up the house,
constantly pulls on the leash, and won't come when you call him - or
the one who comes when you call and heels
E38t38t3DE30t30t3t:J
at your side when you walk him? Come to
think of it , wbich dog is happier? Good heha11ior ha.1 to he
created; it i.1 11ot inherent i1z
people or allUnaU.
Good behavior has to be created; it is not
inherent in people or animals. You will love
and respect you r man even more when you train him to do things that
please you. You will be proud of him a nd his new skills when you
start reaping the benefits, like having a clean house alJ the time.

"Tbe male i.1 a Jonuwtic animal wbicb, if treateJ

with /irnuUJ.J an:iJ kindn.e.u, can be traindJ to Jo
11WJt thing.I.,,
-Jilly Cooper

If you have chosen your man w ell, be has the desire a nd the will-
ingness to make you happy. What he doesn't have is the detailed a nd
specific knowledge of how to do t hat. H e can't read your mind. His
approach to life is very d ifferent than yours. The male mind works
best when given a specific task to accomplish
E3BCQEU:.JE30E3Dt38
or goal to reach. He is natu rally wired to fu l-
fill his mission in the most efficient way pos- The male minu uiork.1 he.1t
sible. He is focused on the end result. when giiien a .1pecific ta.lie to
acwmpli.Jh or goal to reach.

We must understand how a man's mind

works in order to train a man successfully. Ifyou do the training right,
be won't even mind being trained, because he will be learning exactly
how to please you. Nothing pleases him more than pleasing you!
 £3 Ve1111J On Top

Training
Training is the process of helping a person learn a skill or a job.
You must teach your man how to make you happy. That's his job and
08£3Q9QDODOE3c:J doing his job well makes him happy.

You nuut teach yotLr man Training is accomplished by using a sys-

how to make .lfOtl happy.
tem of positive and negative rei nforcements.
The ultimate positive reinforcement for a
man is giving him sex and the ultimate negative reinforcement is tak-
ing it away. However, we don't have to dangle the possibility of sex in
front of him like a carrot. That would be way too blatant and obvious.

V/hat we want him to work for is the pos-

Hi1 real reu•ard i.I ha11i11g a sibility that we'll be 1i1 the mood for sex. If we
111oma11 who whappy hecau.1e gave h_im sex every time be made an attempt
he uid Jomethi11g that made to please us, we'd be exhausted. No, his real
her happy.
reward is having a woman who is happy
because be did something that made her
happy. When his woman is happy she is mucb more likely to want to
have sex with hi.rn.

Let's give our men some credit here. A good part of the time, your
man will do things for you just because he gets a great deal of satis-
faction out of it. Most of the time your immediate appreciation of his
efforts is enough of a reward. Whatever you
£38£38DSE30DOCEJ
appreciate, appreciates. So doo 't underesti-
So don't tlndere.Jtimate the mate the power of your gratitude in rein-
power of your gra.titaiJe in
forcing the behavior you desire in your man.
reuiforcutg the heha11wr you
'Juire in your man.
It is imperative that you discard your old
ideas about having him "help around the
house." He is not helping you with your work. \.Vhen you train him to
do a task, Lt becomes hid work, not yoarJ. Do not be grateful that he is

£3 2-10 0
 Training Your 1111111 - Or I17by &al ll:tomm Don't Do H1111,1ework [1J
helping y ou. Do be g rateful when he is doing his job well. H ow many
tasks he does is up to y ou and depends mainly on your leadership and
training skills.

!1Ztermitte11t POJitive Rein/orcem e1it

N ow that y ou have the basic idea about posi tive reinforcement,
there is an important principle to learn when applying it; it's called
tiztermil:tenl: poc1ili11e ri.tti~forcement. Tra ining is much more effective wben
you reward desired behavior only some of the time, not every time. ff
you reward it every time, the reward system
gets repetitive, boring, and ineffective.
011e of the traiL<J thou,1;ht to
Motivation to perform the desired activity he Jtereolljpically female i.1
remains high if the reward is unpredictable. the very thing that maku l l.J
naturally great trainer.J.
T his has been tested scientifically and proven
true. Isn't it ironic that one of the traits
thought to be stereotypically Female is the very thing that makes us
naturally great trainers? So, be as capricious and unpredictable as you
like with your rewa rds.

N egative Reinf orcement

Next, we need to understand how and
w hen to use negative rei11/orceme11t or punish-
The oppOJite of l.Olle i.1 not
ment. First, understand that the opposite of hate, but indifference.
love is not hate, bu t indifference. For a man,
your attention - especially your physical atten-
tion - is an important demonstrable sign ofyour love for him. And when
he has committed a serious offense, the worst punishment you can inflict
on him is withdrawal of y our attention and affection.

''Men grow up being dwciplined an o mu·tured lnJ wonien.

Deep i1u tde they Jt£ll need a1ul de.1ire th/J. "
- E L14e S utton

El 241 El
 You must not overuse this technique because withdrawal that lasts
too long can damage your relationship. For normal everyday li fe, an
expression of your disapproval of hi s behavior can be quite enough.
Some women master the technique of "the look". Say absolu tely noth-
ing, but give him "the look" and h e knows he's in trouble. A short
period of the cold shoulder treatment is another good way to motivate
him to find a way to scramble back into your good graces.

"U.1i11g di,1cipline 011 your man id Like 'iJe..fi·a,9gi11g a

cmnpu.ter or p1Ltti1tg Meach in with the white.1. It;iut
work.t better when yolL do. v
- Litia

Your man knows full well that when he

makes you unhappy, his chances for physicaJ
Your man knoiv.1 jtdl well
that when be makeJ you.. affection and sex are close to zero. If you are
unhappy hiJ cha11a!.I for ex'tremely angry - give yourself a cool down
pby.tica! affection a!lU Je.i: period before you say or do anything. You
are c!oJe to zero.
don 't ·w ant to say something that is so hurtful
that it will seriously harm y our relationship.

Not a Good Candidate

We are talking here about dealing with men whose prin1e directive
is pleasing you. lf pleasing you is not right at the top of your man's
p riorities, then he is not a good cand idate for training.

You can try these techn iques to see if they might wal<e up a dor-
mant desire to please that still lives somewh ere d eep in him. Bu t don't
expect miracles to happen. On the wrong kind of man, t hese tech-
niques don't work because he j ust doesn't care enough about making
you happy. (So why in the world are you sti ll with this guy?) On the
right kind of man for y ou - they work wonders.

E3 212 D
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _1_m_in_in
- "!!]_Yt
_o_u r ll!flll - Or rivby Rm ! IW0111e11 Don't Do Ho11.1ework G
Show Him
Let's say you want your man to do the
laundry. He will make up some lame excuse
H1~1real/ear i.J that
for why he can't. His real fear is that he does- he doe.in't kn.0111 how to do it
n't know how to do it the way you want, so the way you 111a11t, Jo he'.!
he's a&aid to try. T he last thing he wants is to afr1110 to try.

suffer your disapproval if he does it wrong.

You have to take him by the hand, show him just what to do, and
explain why it's done that way. Men always feel more comfortable if
they know how a thing is supposed to work and why. My preferred
training method is to allow him to do most or all of the physical
motions involved as I supervise. Coach him through it, step-by-step,
explaining as you go. Don't do the work your-
self while he watches you. He doesn't learn E3t:1CS900DE30CO
anything that way. We all learn best by doing. U7e all Learn hut hy doing.

Sorting laundry right is something that

takes some experience, so make it clear to him that, when in doubt,
he is to ask you for your opinion. Be sure to praise him for a job well
done and let him know how proud you are of him for doing so well
his first time.

Some skills are complex enough that they require you to demon-
strate correct techniques before allowing him to try. Suppose I'm
teaching my husband how to cut up a bell pepper. I will do one as an
example, then hand him the knife and let him do it as I coach from
the sidelines.

Any household skill can be taught this way and you both can have
fun in the learning process. Don 't be surprised if his respect for you
goes up another few notches once you start trai ning him. You know
much more about how to clean, cook, and run a household t han you
e l~nu,• On Top

ever realized. Your man will be duly impressed as you impart your
know ledge to him, and he will have a whole new level of admiration
for how much knowledge and skiU it takes to do it wel l.

The Right Way to Correct

Men (especially the good ones) are sensitive creatures deep inside,
and don't like to be criticized in a way tbat feels like a personal attack.
Th ey particularly hate being made to feel incompeten t. If y ou make
him feel bad about hlinself, he'll be resentful and won't be .listening as
you try to correct him.

Watch Your Tone of Voice

When something isn 't tbe way you want it, don't say, "You put
these red socks in with the whites and now my panties are p ink instead
of white I" The belittling tone of voice that usually accompanies a state-
ment like this is even more hurtful than the words themselves. Instead,
say in a nice even tone of voice, "Oops! These red socks must have
gotten mixed up with the whites. See what happened to these white
panties? The dye in dark colors tends to bleed in hot w ater. That's why
we have to be careful not to put darks in with the whites."

Keep your language objective and throw in a logical expla.natjon

for the why. The more scientific t he explanation, the better he will
fee l. Now it's just the two of you calmly discussing how to improve on
the result next time. No accusations, no impli ed blame. Make it like a
militacy debriefing. "Just the facts, ma'am."

Don't overwhelm him with too many tasks at once. Just let him
focus on learning to do one task weU at a time. When he sees how
happy it makes you and hears how much you appreciate what he has
done-he will be motivated to do more .

a 244 D
 Training Thur 1Tfa11 - Or Why &al !Women Don't Do l/011.u11•ork G
The Art and Scunce of Fo/3ing
When he first takes over the laundry, don't get too picky about
how he folds things. He will no doubt give everything the ugly uni-
versal male fold - fold it in half, then fo ld it in half again and he thinks
he's done. You may have to grit your teetb at the state of your linen
closet when he does this to the towels, but do ODE:3DE:3DE:3DGEJCD
not criticize. Be happy that he's folding any-
thing, no matter how pathetic it looks when Be bappy that
be'.! foliJi11g a1tythi11g,
he's done. When he's doing well with the no matter bow pathetic it
sorting, washing, and drying, then you tack- lookJ 1vbe11 he'.! done.
le the folding.

When I first tried to teach my husband the more elegant a nd styl-

ish female folding method (fold in thirds) he could not understand it.
His efficiency-minded male brain could not comprehend why you
would fold something Ln thirds when folding it in half was less w ork
and took less time. I had to reframe the goal for him. I showed him
how folding in thirds makes everything look nice and neat because no
crinkled, raw edges are showing.

"I love how organized and beautiful the linen closet looks when the
towels are all folded this way," I said, "It makes me so happy when I
see it like that." Then to satisfY his need for logic, I showed him how
easy and efficient it was to partially unfold a properly folded towel
and hang it on a towel holder, still folded in thirds with no edges
showing.

"Tbere ii .Jomething 'deeply <1ati.ifying ahout a nice~

clean, foldeu towel. "
-Margaret A t wood

El 245 0
EJ Jlm11J On Top

Now he underst·ood. The desired end result was not to get the tow-
els folded as fast as possible. It was to make our linen closet orderly
a nd aesthetically pleasing to me, and to extend that bea uty and order
to the way the towels are hung on the towel bars. He got it. I now
have the best looking linen closet tn town and towels arranged as
beautifully on the bars as many model home.

lam fortuna te that my husband has higher standards of cleanliness

than the typical male a nd is an outstanding organizer to boot. When
he and I first started living together he got double bonus points from
me when he volun teered to clean and reorganize the shed in our back-
yard. f-Ie did a masterful job of it, and l am t hankfu l for i.t to this day.

If your husband's motivation for doing housework is not yet up to

the level that you wou ld like, just show him the follow ing quote from
the book The Se11m Principled Jor ll!fak1i1.'l IJ!farri.age IPwk by John M.
Cottman, Ph.D. I did not make this up. Dr. Gottm~tn spent years
studying couples lo discover the principles that m.ake for a happy
marriage and this is one of them:

"LJ!layhe thiJ little f act will Jparlc a DUJhandJ

enthu.1ia.mifor domutic chore.1: Tl7omenfind a manJ
will£11gne.JJ to do hoLMe111ork. e..-v.tr emely eroti.c. lVhen
the huc1ba11d doe.-1 hu c1hare to mai'.ntai'.n the home, both
he and hi.J wife report a more .1ati,tfiJi'.ng c1e.x Life than in
ma.rri'.age.1 where the 111ije believe.J her hu<1hand iJ 1wt
'doing hi.J .dmre. . . The key i.J not the actual amount be
iJou hut hiJ 111ij'e'd c:1ubj'ective view of whether it'c! enough."
- .Johni11. Gottma.11, Pb.D

A/jectionate R ein/orceme1tl:
lt's good to give your m an positive rei nforcement now and then as
he is doing his chores. Combine the physical with you r verbal appre-
ciation to show him how much h·is efforts mean to you.

c 246 0
 1g Your Aft/Fl - Or li::'by &al W'om(ll Da11 ~ D11 Hou.1ework
_ _ _ _ __ __ _ 7i_ra_u_11i..:::.. c:J
Praising him for doing a good job is nice, but giving h.im a little
smack on the butt and telling hjm how cute and sexy he looks when
he's doing his chores, is even more effective.

Get him to wear a special outfit that shows off his physique when
he works around the house, like clingy knit shorts if he's got good legs
or a tank top if he's got a great chest or arms.

Men love to receive compliments on their

physical attractiveness. Don't be above grab-
fl!len love to receive
bing him and giving his private parts an compliment.1 on their
affectionate squeeze or two as he goes about pbyJical altractivelle.ftf,
his duties. This helps to connect doing house-
work with sexual arousal in his mind. That
connection keeps him going in the direction you want him to go.

As you progress in your training program, continue adding chores

one at a time. Every time you talk to him about taking over another
chore, make sure you emphasize how much pleasu re you'll derive
from being relieved of this task. If there's any domestic chore that I
tru ly despise, it is mopping the kitchen floor. The day my husband
took over that job was one of the happiest days of my life. Now, of
course, I have to suffer his displeasure if the dog or I track muddy
footprints onto his nice clean floor. We try very hard not to mess it up
for him - it's such a small price to pay for domestic tranquility!

Talk to Him at the Right Time

Timing is critical in choosing when to talk about housework issues
with your husband. Choose a time when things are good between
you. Don't try to talk things out when you are feelin g angry or resent-
ful because he hasn 't done "his share." Chances are he has no clue
what "his share" is supposed to be. You are the one who determines
how much he does. He needs to do enough so that you feel good
about it.

c 247 [!]
 a l"<-1111,, On Tt>p

So me women are pleased if their men just take care of the things
disliked the most - like the bathrooms and the floors. This wi ll secure
her satisFaction and ha ppiness.

''Nature ahhorJ a vacmun. And .10 do I. "

-Amie Gi.bbonJ

1
Real Women Do1L t Do H0tueworlc
When I ran across the phrase Rea! If/omen Don't Do J{owework o n
the In ternet I adopted it as my personal motto. I have always hated
housework oF any kind. If you hate housework as much as I do, you
may decide to go for the gold, the ultimate achievement in domestic
management for women. That's when "his share" means he 's doing it
n!I. This is en tirely possible, especiaJly iF y ou 've got a Comet Man
who takes to traini ng like a duck to water. Don 't be afraid to train
your man to do as much of the housework as you like.

Even if you hire domestic help, a professional won't always do

everything just as you like it. Whether y our man is a heavy hitting
lawyer, deputy sheriff, factory worker, or computer geek, it doesn't
matter. Pick out the tasks that make you feel really good when they
are done perfectly and train the love of'your life to do those for you.

The truth is that a man who has submissive

tendencies fllanf,1 to do domestic tasks for his
The truth LJ
that a man cubo bnJ woman, even if he can afford to pay someone
Ju/111ziJ.fi11e te11dencie.1 wants else to do them! He enjoys perhaps even more
f(I Q() dome.1tic ta.Jk.J fiu· hi.1
doing the tasks that a personal maid might do,
1110111a1t, ec•en if he can afj'or'{)
to pay .1omeo11e cl1e like preparing her bubble bath, giving her a
to do them! foot massage, etc. The point of the man doing
things like this is for him to personally per-
fo rm some task that brings her pleasure. It

c 248 0
 Training l~wr 111a11 - Or lflhy &al If/omen Don 'I Do Hou.1l!work ~

doesn't matter if he's a CEO or a security guard. The kind of man we're
talking about derives pleasure from and finds it a sexual turn on to do
things like this for his woman.

As long as you are willing to put in the time and effort, there is no
end to the things you can train your man to do for you. Train him to
do whatever you can think of to make your life more pleasant, easier,
and smoother. You will both be happy that you did!

The Magic Formula

Getting your man to do his part of the housework can be a fun and
rewarding process for both of you. It is easy as long as y ou remember
the magic formula:

Clean House= Hot Sex

Messy House = No Sex

Nagging, whining, and criticizing don't work, but the promise of

sex always does. Make sure that when your man completes a task
successfully, you always notice it and praise him. Combine your
praise with some physical affection and he will beam with pride. Give
him an occasional reward of great sex - but only when the house is
up to your standard of cleanliness.

Never have sex with him when you are

dissatisfied with the state of your home. Say
Ne1 er have Je.x with bim
1

something like, "Sweetheart, it's just impossi- when you are ui<1<1atiefie'J
ble for me to feel sexy when the bathroom with the Jtate of your home.
isn't clean and the house needs vacuuming. I
feel much more relaxed and in the mood
when the house is clean." Then be true to your word.

a 249 ra
 ml lle1111,1On Top
l never fail to appreciate the way my husband takes care of our
home, inside and out. It makes me feel so loved that he willingly does
alJ those domestic tasks that I dislike, and moreover, I don't have to
nag him to do it. \\Then the house is freshly cleaned and in order, my
heart goes pitter-pat and my desire to make
EJQE:Jc::JCJEJEJDDc::JDD love to him just naturally starts to grow! My
Nothing turn.; me 011 husband knows that giving me flowers,
like a clean buu.;e!
sweet words, or a kiss is nice but nothing
turns me on like a clean house.

Lead him to connect the clean house with the high probability of
sex. Keep that connection solid by holding fast to the magic formula
and watch how easy and pleasant your life becomes.

Beoroom Training
All the principles and techniques of training that we have outlined
above, apply in your sexual relationship just as much - if not more.
1\llost women will want to get their feet wet by first training their man
in the domestic arts. When you see you are getting the results you
want in that area, it will be much easier for you to apply your train-
ing techniques to sex.

It's possible that your man is in agreement with Platinum Rule #1

(.1ex iJ primarily for the woman:1 plea,fllre, ht'a Ld <1econdary), but he hasn't
yet seen tbe wisdom of Platinum Rule #2 (the woman deci2e<1 if, when,
where, and how) .

You must s how him that it is in his best interest to agree to Rule
#2. You do that by using positive and negative reinforcement. When
your man tries to initiate sex with you, act disinterested and bored.
You might decide to be magnanimous and allow him to have inter-
course with you, but he won't enjoy it all that much without any
enthusiasm on your part.

El 250 El
 Iimi1h~q Y,11tr J/lfan - Or Why Real llr.1me11 Don't Do Ho11.1eu1ork f'5l
A Talk ano a Treat
At another time, you initiate sex and take control of him and every-
thing that happens. Enjoy yourself and have as many orgasms as pos-
sible. When you are thoroughly satisfied, rest for as long as you'd
like, but strol(e his erect member w ith your hand to keep his interest
level up. He is now highly a roused - and this is the time when he is
most suggestible and receptive to your desires.

Keep stimulating him just enough to keep him o n a medium boil.

Point out to him how much better it is for him when you are in charge
- how much more you enjoy yourself when you pick the time and
place. Get him to agree with you . He'll agree to just about anything
at this point. Once you have gotten his agreement, tell him he has
made you very happy so you are going to give him a treat. Then give
him a tremendous orgasm. You know him weU enough to know what
turns him on and w hat particular position or technique is a sure-fire
mind-blower for him. This is the Granddaddy of positive reinforce-
ment - so only use this special reward sporadjcally, and for really
important issues.

"If you've got them by the hal/.J, their hear& anJ mill'().!
will follow."
-John Wayne

This Talk aniJ Treat procedure can be used any time y ou want to
ramp up your influence on your man. If your man has trouble really
opening up and talking to you in the intimate way you would like, this
procedure has the potential to change all that. It's especially good for
extracting promises about future b ehavior. Don't forget the always-
important principle of intermittent positive reinforcement. He doesn't
always need to get the treat at the end. It's your choice.

El 251 0
e lle1111J 011 Top

You can use a variation of this procedure when you are just snug-
gling in bed, sharing pillow talk before you go to sleep or when you
wake up in the morning.

Get him all nice and relaxed and receptive

with some lazy stroking. Your pillow talk will
Your pillo1v talk will be
rememhered and acteiJ upoll be remembered and acted upon if you com-
if you comhine it with bine it with physical pleasure for him. Don't
pby.1ical plea.mre for him. take it above a low boil unless you have fin-
ished talking and decide you want to give
yourself a treat (and maybe him, too).

If y ou want your man to feel really loved, then once in a while just
stroke him like this and tell him how happy he makes you. Tell him in
detail just what he did and how it made you feel. Don't make him do
anything for you. Let him just drink in your words of appreciation
and love, while you pleasure him at the same time.

Vary the sensations he's receiving in whatever creative ways you

like. Teasing him with light strokes that barely touch the skin is
exquisitely effective. Then stop talking and just torture him with
pleasure. Keep it up long enough and he could have one of the most
incredible orgasms he's ever experienced. You will enjoy the feeling
of power you get from giving him such an experience. He will start
thinking of you as his Goddess if he doesn't already. It's good to be
the Goddess!

'Tbe art of love... i.J largely tbe art ofperc1i.Jtence. "

~Alhert Elli.J

~ 252 0
 ~
1i·11ill/it.1J Your ilflU1 - Or lf/hy Real ll711111m D1111 't Do Ho11Jew11rk w

Intimate Talk
Training a man to please y ou in bed is, in theory, no different than
training him to do the laundry, but it is likely to be a more emotion-
ally charged issue for you. You will have to overcome any personal
reluctance to talk about your most inti.mate sexual likes and dislikes.

If y ou are just dating or living with y our m an, y ou both need to

build enough trust in each other to be able to talk about sex in a way
that deepens your relationship. When y ou are in a long·-term, com-
mitted relationship like marriage, it should be easier. I say, "should"
because we Americans haven't yet shed all the shame, guilt, and puri-
tanical attitudes that our forefathers placed in ou r cultural conscious-
ness about sex.

Men usually have less of a problem than women in ex.r pressing

their sexual preferences. Haven't you noticed that, if you let him, he
will happily slip into the role of director when
y ou are making love? "]\'love here, turn over,
do it this way." .l\tlen have little inhibition t11en have little inhibition
when it comes to directing the action in bed. udmi it co111£J to directing the
action in he'd. We need to
We need to drop our hesitancy and learn to drop ou.r be.1ita11cy and
do the same. leam to do the .lame.

What really helps us in this area is to first

talk about it with him and get his agreement that it is good fo r you to
do some or all of the directing. As explained earlier, most men will
welcome the opportuni ty because, unless he is told or shown w hat
y ou like, all he can do is guess. If you are a little shy about showing
him, his .reassurance that he really wants you to s how him can help
you tal<.e y our first steps in this direction.

El 255 G
£D Venw On Top
Tigrud in the Bedroom
Bedroom training requires boldness. This is no place for the com-
pliant, eager-to-please, sweet side of femininity. We can also be fierce,
free, and uninhibited when making love. Whether y ou are an Earth
Mother or Star Woman, there is a sexy, wild tigress within you, and
if you let her out to play, your man will love it. When he is making
love to you and he starts doing something that really rings your
chimes, you must teJI him in no uncertain terms bow much you love
it. Men are not stupid. If whatever he just did really pleased you, he
will remember it and give you even more of it next time.

The hardest part of this process for a

woman is learning how to simply open her
The bardeat part of tbi.J
proceJ.J for a woman i.:1 mouth and ask for what she wants. Even Star
learning bow to ,n'mply open Women, as mouthy and brash as we can be in
her 11wutb and a.1k for the outside world, often get tongue-tied and
what Jhe want.I.
reluctant to tell our men what we really want
in bed. This is why the Three Platinum Rules
of sex are so important in a relationship. It establishes in your mind -
and his - that your pleasure is the primaiy goal. When your man open-
ly agrees to this, there is no reason for you to hang back. He gallantly
opens the door to the Pleasure Palace for you, but you are the one who
has to step through it.

No one would ever accuse me of a lack of boldness, courage, or

f'ei.stiness, yet I was taken aback the first time my husband (then
boyfriend) told me he wanted my pleasure to come first. It took some
time for it to really sink into my awareness that this was not just okay
with him - it was what he really wanted. No other man had ever
g iven me this outspoken, total freedom to just enjoy myself and not
wony about his pleasure. Ifl was n't already in love with him by then,
that did it. I decided that this man was a keeper.

G 254 D
 .Tm1i11i1g Your Alan - Or Wb.v Real lflomm Don 'I Do Hou.1~work ~

It didn't take long for me to get over my amazement and shock,

and start having some real fun. It was like being released from an
invisible cage. [ didn't even know I was in that cage until my man
pulled me out of there! We have been so conditioned to be more con-
cerned about a man's pleasure than ours, that when we are offered a
different approach, it is a shock to us.

Accepting Pf&uure Let UJ knrn to receive

Let us learn to receive and accept pleasure and accept pkaJure witb aJ
with as much ease and delight as we receive rnuch eaJe a.Jld 'fJeligbt a.J we
recei11e nwney.
money. Few people feel ashamed or guilty
when good fortune flows into their life and
they earn or receive money. If the receiving station Ln your con-
sciousness is set to open, and no harm has been caused in geii:ing the
money, there is no guih involved in receiving it. Why can't we have
the same attitude about pleasure?

Practicing Plea.Jure We a/Jo fleW to train

Not only do we need to train our men in ottr.1ell•e.1 tn feel duerving
ofplea.JUn.
how to pleasure us, we also need to train our-
selves to feel deserving of pleasure. To get
you started, here is a nice, non-threatening exercise you can practice
with your man to increase your ability to receive pleasure.

Choose something sensuous for him to do for you that you partic-
ularly enjoy. Some possibilities are a bubble bath, body massage, or
Foot massage. It must involve him touching part or all of your body,
but it should not involve sexual activity.

Having your man give you a bath is a particularly good choice.

You must, of course, direct him in what to do and how to do it. You
can even have him shave you1· legs (slowly and carefully!). He will
have a whole new appreciation for all that you do to make yourself
beautiful for him.

~ 255 G
E3 V.,.1111J 011 1ilp

As he attends to each part of your body, you may feel uncomfort-

able when his attention is on a part that you don't like. Your assign-
ment is to relax and send some love to the part of you that you treat
like an orphan. He loves that part of you more than you do at the
moment. Just breathe and imagine how it would feel to accept and
care about that part of you. Let him pamper you as if you were the
Queen of Sheba and he, your lowly bath slave. All ow your belief in
how mucb pleasure y ou deserve, to expand and grow.

Just as training your man in the art of pleasuring you will take
time, so will increasing your ability to receive that pleasure and
accept it as your birthright. The two of y ou will grow in this process
together.

You may find that w hen you make love, sometimes one ofyou will
be in t he mood to be the more active one - let the other just receive
and enjoy their climax. Being held close after he pleasures you in this
way- knowing that he wants nothing in return - makes a woman feel
so loved and treasured . This is a wonderfuJ gift to give your partner
now and then, and a wonderful gift to receive as well.

In a woman-led marriage, you never get bored with sex. The

romance is kept alive because your man i.s always courting you by
doing things for you and making your happiness his priority. The lit-
tle things can mean more than the big ones.

Little Thing.1 Mean a Lot

lVly husband prepares the coffeemaker every evening and sets the
timer so there will be fresh coffee ready for me when I get up. I'm
usually awake at the crack of dawn, eager to get to work on my lat-
est project. He's a night-owl musician who's up late most nights and
whose natunJ wake-up time is more like tbe crack of noon. When 1
come out into the kitchen and find my coffee ready and waiting, it

a 256 s
 _ _ _ _ Tr<11i1in.1J >lmr 11fa11 - Or lfJhy &al lf/om(ll Don't DtJ Hmt.1ttwork m
feels )jke a little caress to me. He thinks of my needs and shows me
with his deeds. That's real love.

Most men don't understand bow much little things like that mean
to lheir women. That's why you have to educate your man in very
specific ways, on what you like both inside and outside the bedroom.

A man who attends to th ose little things to

make her Li.fe easier, makes his woman feel A 11uw who attenJ.1 to tho.1e
loved on a daily basis. That keeps your heart little tbingJ that make her
fife ea.Ji.et; maku bu u•oman
open to him. And a woman who feels loved, feel fm•ed on a daily ba.Ji.f.
nal'urally wants to make Jove to her man.

Are you starting to see how brilliant those Three Platinum Rules
really are? I can't take credit for inventing them. Some women have
known about them and used them ever since the prehistoric days of
Goddess worship.

M en have always bad a n in born desire to pursue goals. They real-

ly enjoy focusing their energy on accomplishing a goal. The pursuit
and the striving for the g·oal are what they love. If you don't believe
it, just think about the last time you saw a group of guys watching
footba ll. When t hat baU is in play, they are totally fo cused on it and
are in their full glory.

[(eep Hinz on Hi..! Toe.1!

The Platinum Rules set up your relationship so your man is always
striving to please you. When he does something that makes you
happy - be knows he's moving toward the goal li ne. When he does
something that invokes y our displeasure, he knows he's moving in the
wrong direction aw ay from the goal. The fact that you are in control
of when he scores, serves to make the game that much more interest-
ing. He is never sure of when you will be Liz the mood, so it keeps him
on his toes!

E3 257 El
E.3 Vm11,1On Top

As y ou become more confident and less inhibited , y ou will feel free

to explore new avenues of sexual p leasure that in terest y ou. The pos-
sibilities are e ndless. You don't waste your energy on power strug-
gles, as so many couples do. Instead it's a team effort to see just bow
happy the two of you can be.

Happy training!

You now know the secrets of how to create a happy life of domes-
tic bliss \.vith a man who knows how to please you both in the bed-
room and out. It's easy once y ou know how. And isn't it wonderful to
realize that you can be y our own serene, gracious, seA-J' self as you
accomplish you r goal. Your man is happy living in a home w here the
rules are clear a nd he knows what works and w hat doesn't.

Our journey is nearing the end. In tbe fin al section of this book we
take a look a t the all-important subject of how to ma intain love and
respect in y our relationship. And last but not least I 'II give y ou t his
Star Woman 's vision of how the rise of femin in e power impacts the
future of the world.

c 258 Q
 . ').; .;

. '1J;.,.
SECTION F()UR.·

Forging
Ahead
 Chapter 11

'lrl~ love Med ~M!Jed

Ptn ~ta 'lrl(t/f/

"To love <1omeone deeply give.-1 you <1trength. B eing l.oved

by .Jomeone deeply giveJ you. courage."
-Lau Tzu

i= 79or any k ind of marriage, maintallllng respect and love for your
partner is an absolute essen tia l. For the woman -led marriage, it
is essential - but even more challe nging - because our lifestyle is ou t-
side today's norm. If your sense of self-worth depends on other p eo-
ple's opinions, your attempt at this klnd of relationship is likely to fail.
Both partners need to be strong enough and mature enough to forego
mainstream society's approval. The only thing that counts is what you
th ink of each oth er.

26J
C0COCOGO
 E2 """"·' 011 Top
Accepting Your Role A.1 Leauer
The biggest problem most women have in accepting their role as
leader in their marriage is the Fear that they can't respect a man w ho
EJD£3DCD£3DE3DDD allows them to lead. The woman-led mar-
riage has a different balance of power than
The woman-led
we are conditioned to bel ieve we should
ma.rriage ha.1a 'different
halaJU:e of power thall we are want. It's much like ballroom. dancing. On
co1Zditio11ed to believe we the dance floor the man is the leader.
t1hould want.
However, he cannot lead unless the woman
agrees to follow.

Jf both people are trying to lead, the result is a disaster and neither
pa rtner enjoys the dance. Bu t if the woman graciously takes the role
of follo\ver and allows t he man to lead, she has a wonderful time. Of
course, she must 6rst choose a partner who is a good leader - a part-
ner she deems worthy of being given the power to lead her.

If she chooses well and then willingly allows a good leader to lead,
dancing together is a joy and a pleasure to experience. All she needs
to do is respond to his lead. I n fact, on the dance floor, a woman who
is a great fo llower can make a man who is
just an average dancer lool< good. The fo l-
The leader cannot lead lower has a lot of power to affect the end
1vithoul the jollo111er~1
COJlJciotu COil.Jent.
result. The leader cannot lead without the
fo llower's conscious consent.

What does this p rinciple have to do with the woman- led marriage?
Everything! The reason I respect my husband is because he gives h is
conscious consent to my leadership. Without hi s w illingness to foUow,
I cannot lead. He recognizes that I am very competent at directing
most aspects of our partnership. With the g ift of his consent and
cooperation, our life is mostly smooth and harm onious.

E3 264 0
Hanuling Conflict
Does this mean that everything is always perfectly peaceful in our
household? Of course not! We are both only human and we still have
a lot to learn. We still experience occasional little quarrels, disagree-
ments, and emotional upsets. The difference is that one or the other
of us cools down the emotion al fire with a humorous comment, a cool-
ing off period, or an expression of understanding for the other's feel -
ings, before it explodes into a destructive raging inferno.

Making Repair.1
We have learned to own up and apologize to each other for our
part in t he upset, as we regain co ntrol of our emotions and start think-
ing calmly again . This w illi ngness of both partners to "make repairs, "
as Dr. John Cottman describes it, is another of the keys to a success-
ful long-term relationship. Discovering how to confront difficulties
head-on and get back on a good footing with one another is a skill
that most happy couples develop. Having that skill means you repair
the hurts before they have a chance to grow into deep resentments
that threaten the survival of the relations hip. You learn to do what it
takes to maintain respect on both sides. And there are a lways plenty
of opportunities for learning!

Mininzizing the Mayhem

We have a n agreement in our household that sounds silly bu t is real-
ly very effective in keeping anger and emotional upsets to a minimum:

Only one partner is allow ed to go crazy at a time.

No one ca n be calm and even-tempered 24 hours a day, except

perhaps the Dalai Llama. l bet even he would admit that he has his
moments of anger now and then. So it is unrealistic to think you can
completely eljminate those moments in life.

c 265 B
 Better to accept that your partner will be cranky, upset, or in a bad
mood now and then . If you both have a sufficient level of maturi ty
and some self-control , y ou can make a n agreement w ith y our partner
th at allow s you to exp r ess and release those emotions ·without cr eat-
ing major hurt fo r either of you .

To apply this technique successfully you both must have som e

experience in stepping out of the situation and b ecoming the obser-
ver of y our emotions. When you have learned how to detach from
you r own out-of-control emotions and are in the habit of being the
o bserver, you will have a much easier time doing so when there a re
two sets of emotions in the mix.

When only one pa rtner is allow ed to go crazy at a time, it's up to

the other one to stay sane and cen tered. Whoever notices the crazi-
ness of em otions going out of control fi rst
has a sacred obligation to exercise self-con-
trol and stop reacting to ii'. Suppose I'm hav-
Whoever notice.1 the
craz ine.1r1 of emotiJJ11,1going ing a b ad d ay and I make a s nippy remark to
out of control/ int ba.t a my husba nd. I f he's having a bad day t oo he
JacreiJ obligatum to e.w rcir1e
might ftre a verbal v olley back.
r1e/f-control a11{) .Jlf)p
reacting to it.
Within the space of the next few minutes
one of us realizes that some craziness is
goi ng on. The one w ho sees it fi rst must do something to interrupt the
p rocess that has gotten started in the other. We do that by simply
going silent and not responding to the remarks, or calmly withd raw-
ing from the room. Sometimes all it takes is a humorous remark like,
"Da mmit, now y ou get to have all the fun b ecause I just reali zed
w hat's happ ening so I have to stay sane, but you d on 't! "

c 266 0
 Aiainta.U1u1.r1 ur<' anJ R.:.1ptct Pt1r Your 11lt111 t:]
Obviously if one partner is continually going out of control and the
other is constantly trying to stay cool, the relationship has serious
problems and may require some professional help. However, for the
average couple this little technique can be very effective for keeping
little upsets from turning into big hurtful ones.

ill/one:y /JI/atter.:1
Disagreements abou t money are the number one cause of most
mari tal strife. We don't fight about money. I manage a ll our money,
pay the bills, and decide on investments. My husband, Stephen,
knows I a m responsjble and fair. He trusts my judgmen t.

I don't make major decisions without

telling my partner. I talk it over with him and Why 11101dd you not
explai n w hy I want to take each financial rupect a man whoJe attitude
co11tribute.1 .10 greatly to the
step. ff he has questions, I answer them. I hamwny and peace of your
take his opinions and feelings into considera- hoU.Jeho{i)?
tion a nd then make a final decision that will
work best for both of us. There is nothing to fight about. 1 am grate-
ful and appreciative that my husband respects my ability to handle
money . Stephen's willingness to do that makes him worthy of my
respect. Why would you not respect a man whose attitud e contributes
so greatly to the harmony and peace of your household?

This is a refreshing and welcome change from the money troubles

that plagued my three previous marriages. After experiencing the
t1·auma of having to rebuild my finances and my life - not just once,
but three times -you can imagine bow reluctant I was to put myself
in a vulnerable financial position again. My husband understood and
respected my feelings about money. He had no probl.em signing a
prenuptial agreement that effectively allows me to decide which
assets will become community property and which will be my sepa-
rate property

c 267 0
£3 I/mu.• 011 Top

.M y husband is not irresponsible w ith money. He doesn't spend

money on foolish male toys and is quite frugal in his ways. H e's a low
maintenance kind of guy. In his previous marriage, he was the sole sup-
port of his wife and two children for a large majority of the 21 years of
the marriage. He was a professional musician for some y ears before he
married, bu t in his late twenties he was burned out by the loneliness of
being on the road . He decided that he wanted to have a family and be
able to spend enough time at home in order to enjoy them. So he mar-
ried and became a plumbing contractor so he cou ld support his family
and be a good father. I caU that being very responsible.

He never gave up his music completely. He continued to play

drums and do one-nig ht and occasional weekend gigs to keep bi s
hand in it. When his children were grown, he wanted to go back into
music full-time, but his wife would not support him in pursuing what
he loved. T hey divorced and I met him a couple of years later.

l am blessed that my husband is an emotional ly stable, secure per-

son who has no preconceived notions about the man being in control
oF the money. For the last ten yea rs of his marriage Stephen ran his
own plumbing business, supervised s.ix employees, and managed both
his business and home finances. He was the main breadwinner for all
2 J years of' his first marriage.

When I met him he bad shed the financial pressures of maintain -

ing his previous lifestyle. Gone was the big house on five acres, the
boats, the motorcycles, and the trucks. After the divorce he closed the
business and lived a simple, fin ancialJy uncompli cated life in a small
a pa rtment, glad to be out from under the burden of making eno ugh
money to support all the "things." He found a dream job for himself
that involved one of his other loves: propell er-d riven aircraft. He
worked for a company bui lding full -size working reproductions of
J 930's era racing aircraft for national air shows.

E:3 268 0
 There is no question about Stephen's competence at making and
managing money. He chose to live a simpler life without the pressure.
He was perfectly happy to turn the money management over to me
when we married because he saw that I am not only ve1:y capable of
doing it, but also enjoy doing it and feel more comfortable being in
control of our money.

Money a.1UJ Enwti'on<1

My husband's calm acceptance of our financial structure doesn 't
mean that emotional issues don't sometimes arise regarding finances.
For example, I bought my car some years ago with cash, so I would
have no car payment. My husband came into our marriage with a nice
SUV that required a monthly car payment. I began using his car for
business instead of mine, so 1 suggested putting the SUV in my name
so my corporation would make the payment and I would get the ben-
efit of depreciating it. This seemed like a simple, rational business
decision, right? But after he signed his car over, he had an emotional
reaction that surprised both of us.

Being a kind and generous person, he gave his wife nearly every-
thing when they d.ivorced. He was left with just enough cash to lease
an apartment and buy a car - and start over. He also was paying
alimony and child support until his youngest child turned 18. He did
not shirk his responsibilities or resent t hem . This is how a good man
behaves and I was impressed that he navigated his divorce with a
minimum of strife - and without the typical childish fights over inci-
dentals such as furni ture.

Because he had closed his p lumbing business d ue to a back injury

that made it very painful for him to continue with the hard physical
labor - signing that car over to me meant that he now literally owned
nothing but his clothing and his drums.

Cl 269 G
 £i Jt,,/lllJ On Top

Stephen was starting back into the music business from ground
zero - having to make a ll new contacts like an unknown twenty year
old - except for the reality that he was 50. It was not easy. He had
some promising opportunities on the horizon, but no money coming
in. His career start-up struggles plus giving up ownership of his car
was a big deal for him - but he did it because he loved me. Men in
our cu lture are judged by the s ize of their wallets, and it takes a
strong man to go against that standard. lVly
Cr:JClt:lDQDElDQCCJ
love's pride may have been w ounded, but he
11/e11 in our culture are1i1Jgeo did not react to those feelings by drinking,
by the Jtze of their 0>allet11
drugging, or picking fights the way a man of'
and it take.J a .1frm1.IJ man f(1
.IJO againJt tbat Jtandard. lesser character might have done. He kept
his cool and stayed the course.

A Tough Fi11ancial Te.it

This long-term financial situation became an equally tough test for
me. I was bringing in all the mon ey and supporting us both. I wanted
control of t he finances, but the old tapes were sti ll playing in my head:

• The man should be making the money.

• A man who doesn't make mon ey is a bum who is taking advan-
tage oF t he woman .
• A ·woman should not have l'o worry her pretty little head about
money.

Without our faith in God and knowledge of spiritual principles, this

situation could have wrecked our relationship. If I had let my old beliefs
about money take over, 1 would have lost respect for my man. It's very
difficult, if not impossible, to love a man if you don't respect him.

Our belief that God is our source of supply and that It supplies all
our needs including money was vitallyimportant during this phase of
our relationsh ip .
 !lla1i1tnimi1g &11•( and & .1pal f;,,. }our ;lftm ~

When y ou believe that your job, your business, your spouse, or

your parents are the source of your money, you are setting yourself
up for disappointment. So this was my test of faith. Am r going to
judge my mate, find him lacking, and thereby
lose my respect for him? Is bis true worth to ~09QDQDQ9QEJl.J
me dependent on how much money he [JbiJ true worth to me
makes? Is my love that shallow? dependent 0 11 ho111 much
molley he makeJ? /J my love
tbal Jhallow?
l thought about what would happen if the
situation were reversed. Wbat if I was mak-
ing no money and he was making a lot? Would he be having the same
tough struggle? No, he would easily and generously give me every
dime he made with no judgment and no strings attached. He knew
how to be a real partner better than I did.

I was still stuck in thinking, "I worked for it, so t he money is 11ui1e."
That kind of selfish, immature thinking threatened to destroy the best
relationship I ever had.

I had to meditate and ask for guidance on this one. I needed to see
that money flowed in to the partnership - not just to me . .My role was
to be a good steward of that money for both of us.

Our income was coming to us through my business, but he was

definitely making an important contribution by taking care o f all the
domestic chores which I hated doing. For the first time in my life I
had the kind of support I needed from a partner. Never had any other
man supported me this way. My mind was free to focus on my work.
This is how traditional, successful men have always succeeded at
their careers.

The vast majority of CEOs and top executives are married men.
Their success is a result of the work of both partners, not just his
work. Without his wife to run the home and family, entertain business

c 271 (i)
£3 ~1111.1 On Top

associates, and take care of living arrangements while he's away on

business, he would not be as successfu l as he is.

No longer did I have to worry about those dreaded household

chores. I had time to go to dance classes, work out at the gym, play
keyboard for my ch urch band, study to be a Religious Science prac-
titioner, and go on weekend getaways. The only ways l balanced the
work and joy in my life before living with my partner was to hire a
housekeeper. I no longer needed to pay a housekeeper - and our life
together was so much richer than single life.

And as I meditated on all the benefits brought into my life by my

husband, the list grew quite long. Going on any kind of trip had
always been traumatic for me. I hated packing and would always
leave it to the last minute. Then I would become frantic because 1
knew I'd forget sometlUng. Rarely did I depart for the airport on
time, so I was stressed before I got on the plane. Now all I have to do
is lay out my clothes. My master organizer, Stephen, packs the suit-
cases, attends to all the details, and makes sure we leave for the air-
port in plenty of time. What a difference! I have a balanced life that
runs easily and smooth ly because J have a great partner.

The only thiJ1g that could stop me from enjoying and appreciating
my new life was my old belief system about marriage and money.

I sat myself down and worked through another "Old Belief Into
New Belief" exercise about the situation. From time to time, I'd
review what I'd w ritten and add to it. W ith time and repetition, the
old tapes faded and were replaced with ideas that serve me better.

For years I prayed for God to send me the right partner who
would help rne to grow spiritually . When he showed up, he was quite
different than what I had expected.

C3 272 0
 klaintaimi1.fJ lt1t1e mu) Rt.•p.:ct F11r Yimr il1tlll [!]
I hadn 't a clue there was such a thing as a woman-led marriage,
nor did I know that it was the kind of marriage I needed - God's plan
for us is always better than our own. Being
with my husband has made me grow in ways
God'.! plan for 11.1 14
I cou ldn't have imagined. alwayJ better than our own.

Attitude Adjil.Jlment.1
Now his music career has begun to t ake off. Stephen will be on
tour a nd I will have to learn to live without him for several months at
a time! When I attend his performances no one kn ows or cares that
I'm a semi-famous author. L'm just the rock and roll wife or groupie
girlfriend to people in the rock music scene. As be makes more and
more money, I will need to make some more attitude adjustments. Do
I detect th.e seeds of some resentment and jealousy d eep in my psyche
when I consider that he might make more than I do or become more
famou s? H ow about my own sense of self-worth? If it is built on how
much money I make or how many people think I'm great, I will need
to start looking at whether that's just my ego trying to run the show.

When thoughts like this come up I am so grateful that 1 now have

enough awareness and maturity to observe wh.at is going on within
myself instead of blaming my partner. I contemplate, meditate, and
write in my journal to clari l)r the situation for myself. I also use the
"Old Belief into New Belief" procedure when needed.

Never a Boring Monu.nt

Being confronted with soul-searching questions like these makes
living on the edge of the relationship frontier an exciting adventure. I
got bored in my previous relationships. In DDDDElDCOt!Gt3D
this partnership, I know [ will never be
bored. There is always more to discover, There t'.i alwnyJ 11wre to
ducover; more to look at, a1UJ
more to look at, and more ways to grow. more wayJ to grow.

El 275 Q
 When I tell friends that this book went from creation and idea
stage Lo completed rough draft in less t han four month s~they are
astounded. I kept my design business going during those months as
well. Without my husband's help, I cou ld not have done it. Some days
I was writing for twelve or fourteen hours with just a few eati ng and
dog-walking breaks. On days like that he brought me lunch and din-
ner without my even asking. He wasn't getting as much emotional or
physical attention from me as he would have liked while I was
wrapped up in the writing, but he didn't complain. H e really was "the
wind beneath my w ings" on this project, and for that I am eternally
grateful to him.

What ki_nd of creative and wonderful things could you accomplish

with a partner like that?

Blazing JVew TrailJ

A smart woman does not judge her man by society's standards. The
only standard that matters is if he makes you happy. If you have suf-
fered through a stri.ng of bad relationships as
C8Ct:lD8EU:.JE3ElllO I have, it shouldn't be that difficult for you to
A amart woman doe.I not ignore what other people mig ht think or say.
ju~9e her man hy .Jocieti;'.J Their rigid, old-fashioned ideas will never
.1tandard.1. The 011/y
.Jfandard tbat nuzller.1 iJ work for women like us. We were born to be
if be makea you. happy. trail blazers and this new form of relationship
is one heck of a fascinating trail to blaze!

The key to y our happiness as either a Star Woman or a n Earth

l\llother is to choose the right kind of man for you as y our partner.
Thi s is something that neither your mother nor your shrink could pre-
pare you for. This is a matter of directing your own destiny I

Q 274 G
 A!fwi1truiung f,up~ l/IU) Re.iptd F11r Your t11r111 [3
The tips in this book come From a woman
who's been through it all, found some
The key to your
answers, and succeeded in climbing a little happine.1.1 a.J eilher a
furth er up the trail. l hope I have been able Star Tf7<1111111z (Jr an. Earth
!Ifother iJ to choo.1e the right
to opeo your mind to new possibilities t hat
kin'J a/man for yoa
will make your life a positive adven ture, and a.J your partner.
get you thinking in new directions about
yourself, men, and marriage.

"Do 11otfoll.ow where the path may lead. Go in;1teau

where there tJ no path a nd lea11e a trail."
- Ralph W'aluo E m er.-1011

You can be a strong, powerful woman and have a great relation-

ship wilh a man you love and respect. If I can do it, you can do it!

l believe that by sharing my experiences and the hard-won wis-

dom that I earned through t hem I have open ed up a path to happi-
ness for y ou. Use the tools, tips, and techniques in these pages to cre-
ate and maintain a beautiful relationship for you and your partner.

So, my sisters, we come to the next and final chapter. f am wrap-

ping up our journey w ith a vision of the future, a Future that you can
help to create. This Star Woman calls to the Star Woman in you. Let's
release ourselves from the old thinking and the o ld ways that no longer
work for us, and go forward as the Modern Goddesses that we are.

Now, get ready! I'm stepping up onto my soapbox and I'm hold-
ing nothing back!

c 275 t:l
 Chapter 12

p~ PtiW~ am:/
7M P~ o! tk Wotld

'1/ yoLL <Jon't like tbe way the wor{i) ii, yoLL change it.
You have an obligation to change it. Youjiut <Jo it 011e
Jtep at a time.,,
-Marian Wright E<Jel11um

a fter taking this journey to become a true woman of power, y ou

can understand tbat the prnblems you 've had relating to men
are deeply rooted in thousands of years of cultural conditioning. If
you are not in a sufficiently loving a nd supportive relationship, it does
not mean you are neurotic, inadequate, or unlovable. You a re enough
and now you know what you need to do. If you are truly wi lling the
path opens before you and you are led to the right people, places, and
activities to help you Free your femin ine power. You radiate strength
and confidence from a calm, solid center. You are a magnet that
attracts the right par-tner, friends, a nd associates. You align y ourself
wit h the power of Spirit and you proceed toward your heart's desire.

276
Elc:JGQCCJEBG
 Feminine Power anJ The Future of du 117orld m
I firmly believe that the hope of the world
lies V\rithin the hearts and souls of women.
Tbe hope of the wor/J
There is a great imbalance in our world and liu within the heartJ alld
we are the only ones who can fix it. .10111.f of women.

We can no longer let the world be domi-

nated by the masculine. Every woman needs to develop her own fem-
inine power, and learn how to use it to first better her individual life,
then that of her family, her community, and ~E2Gt::li3GE!BE:U:.l~f:l
ultimately, the world.
Every woman 11eedJ to
A New Social Order devel.op her own feminine
power, alld learn how to uJe it
We can forge a whole new social order to fir.1t helter her itzoiviJual
based on the acceptance and celebration of life, then that of her family,
differences, not on one group dominating her communiti;, a11J
ullimately, the ivortJ.
another. The rise of the fem.inine does not
mean the demise of the ma.1ctdti1e. It means
creating a way of life that includes and honors both principles. It
means creating a society where individuals are free to express their
gifts and talents without being limited by gender, age, or race.

On the surface, women in America appear

to have a lot of freedom and few limitations,
The ri.1e of the feminine
compared to most other countries and c ul- doeJ twl mean the demi4e of
tures. We are still far from living in true lhe masculine.
equality, but we have definitely started a cul-
tural transformation that cannot be stopped.
Many of the diJficulties we face in our relationships are a reflection of
the underlying patterns of a patriarchal, male-dominated society in
the process of change. If we can make the transition to a new society
that acce pts and blends the best qualities of the masculine and the
feminine, w e "vill ush er in a new Golden Age for the human race. If
w e don't make this transition in time, we may very well damage our

£» 277 8
 £3 flu111.1 011 Top

p lanet and our civilization to the point where we slide backwards and
cause the demise of the human race.

''JP-hen you are trying to change the o/;J culture, you

nw.;t not accept the .;o[u.tio1u Jupplied lnJ that culture.
You. have to duco11er or in11erit your own. "
- Sherry Ruth .1.4nder.1on1 Ph.D.
a/lo Paul H. Ray,, Ph.D.

To create momentum fo r this transition, women need to push their

feminine power to the forefront. O vercoming thousands of years of
conditioning calls for those of LI S at the spearhead of the movement to
exert our power most fully r ig ht now at the 6egi1111i11g. That's w hy this
book is titled VentM on Top a nd not Venua on the Same Level. G etting to a
point of balance and eq uilibrium is a pendulum-like process. The pen-
dulum has swung too far to the masculine side. The only way we will
get to t he goal of being equal is if we swing it hard to the feminine side
DElt!ElGO~DCElEU::J first. If you want to be equal, fi rst you've got
to get on top! Why continue at a slow craw l
If you 1va1Zt to be equal, toward t he middle when you can get there
jir.Jt you've got to get on top!
faster by getting on top!

This does not require marching in the streets, strident rabble-rous-

ing speeches, or br a burning. I t simply requires you to do your part
w ithin your own personal sphere of influence - w hether that includes
just one man, or one child, or a large family.

The N ew Sexual Revolution

The Three Platinum Rules herald the start of a new sexual and
Cu ltural Revolution. The so-called sexual revolu tion of th e sixties
was nothing compared to this. All that revolution gave us was the
freedom to be used by men because it freed women to have casual
sex. It gave us the freedom to have sex the way males have always

c 278 c::J
 Fm11i11i1t P,1wer and The Future of the 117orld CiJ
enjoyed sex - lots of partners w1th little commitment. If we w ere
lucky, a guy would be decent enough to have some concern for
whether we were satisfied, but that revolution didn't go far enough.

The Three Platinum Rules bave started another sexual revolution

- one that will truly benefit women. Imagine what ·wiU happen w hen
we only date and mate with men who believe in and practice the
Three Platinum Rules!

Imagine if we teach our sons to respect and revere all females and
the values we hold dear.

Imagine if we teacb our daughters t o respect themselves and to

spurn any male wh o does not treat them with the highest respect.

In just a few generations the Bad Guys wiU have died out because
no women will have their babies. The pleasuring gene will become
dominant in the majority of the male population. Relationships
between men and women will be partnerships in the purest and best
sense of the word. These couples w ill teach their children to respect
and care for a11 people a nd for ou r .Mother E arth . Next thing y ou
know, peace will have broken out all over the world!

Suppose we all choose to vote with our considerable spending

power and only support those businesses that use our natural
resources responsibly. More women reaching top positions in the
halls of government a nd the towers of corporate America will cer-
t·ainly help. But the average ind iv id ual woman can make a tremen-
dous difference by making sure that there is a new balance of power
within her own household, and that she exercises her power in serv-
ice of her highest valu es.

a 279 o
£3 ll..•1111.1_0_11_Ii.--'op_ _ __ __ _ _ __ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ _ __ _ _ _

"All honafide revolutionJ a re of nece<1<1il:y revolutionJ of

the .:1pirit. ,,
-Sonia Joh11..1on

T he women's movem e nt began as a reac-

tion of righteous outrage to injustice, but now
The new revol.ution
i.J rooteo in love, llOt anger. we are moving into a more visionary and spir-
itual time w h ere women are redefining the
j'cmimi1e and rediscovering their power. The
new revolution is rooted in love, not anger. The attempts of those in
p ower to r ule throug h fear cannot w ithstand a growing cadre of
won1en and men who believe that gender does not determine our fate.

\Jve exercise our power in the service of values t hat a re natural for
women: caring for the well-being of our families. our fellow human
beings, and our planet.

"Women really do rule the worliJ. They ju<Jt ba ven 't

figured it out yet. W'heri tl:u..'Y do, and they wil~ we're all
i11 big, big trouble. "
- "Doctor" L eon

Men are not the e nemy. They just need

our love, guidance, and direction . As we
11/en are not the enemy.
They jtu t need ow· l.ove, direct more male e nergy a nd talent toward
guiuance, anu 'Jirection. humane goals, the tide must turn .

You now have the blu epri nt and the t ools,

my sisters. F irsttake care of"you r ow n life. Create a great partn ership
for yourself an d train that man to make you happy. Then turn y our
attention to the outside world. It's so m uch easier to save t he world
when you don't have to worry about who is going to do the dishes or
pic k up the kids.

C3 280 D
 h111i11i11e. Pm1•er 1111J The Future of the W'orld [a
One of the b est things women can do for the future of the planet
is to raise children who respect each other and the earth. As we use
our influ ence to bring the.feminine and niadcu!ine into baJance, we will
reverse the shameful devaluation of child-
rearing in our socie~y. A woman who makes
caring for children her main focus will com- Olle of the be.1t thing.:1
mand r espect equal to any other career choice. women can do for tbe future
of the planet id to rai.le
dJi!dren who rupect each
T he process of this great change has
other and the earth.
aJready begun in the most highly developed
nations like the United States, Canada, and
much of Europe. It is up to us women to accelerate the pace of change
by taking charge of our individual lives. Every woman who educates
h erself to become economicaJ ly self-sufficient hammers one more nail
in to the coffin of the old patriarchal order. Every woma n w ho refus-
es to allow anyone to mistreat her or her children plants another
healthy seed that grows our new society. Every woman who appreci-
ates and respects men for their character, instead of their bank
accounts, breaks the chains of bondage to the rigid cookie-cutter
hand-me-down roles that limit the potential of men and women alike.

T he only way that a happy future for our species is assured is if we

create it- one woman and one mind at a time. Tbe future is in y our
capable hands.

"We are vo!catWe.f. When we women offer our e:x:perience

a<J our truth, ad human truth, alt the ma.pd change.
There are new rnountai11c1. "
,. . . ., Ur.1ula K Le Guin

E:l 281 0
£3 ~nu,• 011 Top

H ow has this book changed your life? How has it helped you to
find your soul mate or improve your relationship or marriage? Send
me your success story (no more than three typewritten pages) a.nd
your story could be included tn my next book. Be sure to include al.I
your contact information (name, address, phone, e. mail). Your real
name will not be used without y our permission.

Preferred submission format is within an e.mail message - no

attachments, please.

Send your e.mai l to: godde.:J.J@11enwontop.com

Barbara Wright Abernathy

1521 N. J antzen Ave., Su ite 379
Portland, OR 972 17

Toil-free (888) 22 VENUS (888-228-3687)

Fax (503) 289-7598

e. mail: goJJeJcJ@11enwontop.cmn
Website: www. TlenuJOnTop.com

C 282 D
 E11,9ag,; fhe lluthor E)

Let Barbara Wright Abernathy entertain, educate and inspire

your group with her witty and provocat ive insights about men,
women and relationships and perhaps a bit of belly danci11g1 too!
Inquire about how Barbara can custom tailor a presentation for
your group.

For information on speaking, seminars and workshops, contact

Barbara at:

Barbara W right Abernathy

1521 N. J a ntzen Ave., Suite 379
Portland, OR 97217

Toll-free: (888) 22-VENUS (888-228-3687)

Website: www.BarbaraTVrightAbernathy.com
e.mail: i1~fo@BarharaWt·~(;htAbernathy.com

~ 283 s
m Ve1wJ On 1i1p

Belly Dance
Al-Rawi, Rosin-Fawzia B. Grand111other:1Secretc1: the !111c1i'11/' Riluaf.t n.nJ Heal1i1g Power of Bel(y
Da11c1i1.1J. Brooklyn, NY: Interlink Books, 1999
Djoumahna, Kajira. The Trihn.L Bihle. Santa Rosa, CA, Black Sheep Belly Dance, 2003

Culture and Transformation

DeJ\'\ott, Benjamin. Killer lf70111a11 i3l11eJ: U7hy Amerci:mtJ Can 't Think Stm~qht 1Jht111t Geni)er a11J
Pt1111e1: New York: Houghton Mifflin Co., 2000
Douglas, Susan J. llfhm Lhe Girl.1 !Ire: Gror11in.9 Up Female !With the Af11.1J 111a)ia. New York:
Three Rivers Press, 1994
Eisler, Riane. The Chalice and the Blaue. New York: Harper Collins, 1987
Gladwell, Malcolm. Tiu Tipp1i1g Point: How LiJtlt Thin.tJ•I Can tlfake a Big Dijfa-ence. N ew York:
Little, Brown & Co., 2000
Ray, Paul H and Sherry Ruth Anderson. The Cullum/ Creafil'u: Hmr 501/fi/linn People Are
1

Changing The llrcwfc). New York: Harmony Books, 2000

Small, Jacqueline. 11-an.iformer.J: Thl !lrti.JlJ nf Selj~Creolcim. Marina Del Rey, CA:
DeVorss & Co. 1997
Sykes, Brian. The Se11en Dau_qhterJ oj'Er•e. New York: W.W. Norton & Co., Joe., 2001

Feminine Power
Argov, Sherry. lf;-"hy 111en Love BitcheJ. Avon, MA: Adams Media Corp .. 2000
Bolen, Jean Shinoda. Gt1JJeJ.J<.J /11 E11e1y Woman: A Neu• PJychology of Women. New York:
Harper & Row, 1984
Borysenko, Joan. /j UY.n11aJ1:1 Jm11·1u.v h1God: Fi11J1i1g the Feminine Path. New York:
Penguin Putnam Inc., 1999
Herron, Elizabeth. The Fierce Beauty C/11/1: Gir/friend.1 D1:1ml'erti1g Pow(.r and Celehratcii.IJ Bt1Jy
and S1111L Boston: Element Books, Inc., 2000
Thomashauer, Regena. 1/1ama Gena;, School of Wt1m1111(y ArtJ: {hing the Pillcw· of Ple11.J11re to
Hare 1~mr U7ay ir~·1h the WorlJ. New York: Simon & Schuster, 2002

Goddess History
CampbeU, Joseph and Charles Muses. In All Her Name.1: £ypft1ra1u111J of ihc Feminine 1i1
Di111i1ity. New York: Harper Collins, 1991
Gimbutas, Marija. The La.11.1111age Of The God'Ju.1: Unmrthi1w The Hi'JJen SymholJ Of U7e.1tern
Ciflilizati1111. New York: Harper Collins. 1995
Gordon, Elinor \V. The Once and Fulure Gt1lJeJJ. New York: Harper & Row, 1989
Starhawk. The Sp1i·ol Dll11ce: A Rebirth of the Ancimt Rel~f;1011 of the Gmzt Gn()JeJ,1,
20th An11i1Yr.Jary Edition. San Francisco: Harper, 1999

£l 2S4 ~
 _ _ _ _ __ __ __ _ __ __B_w_li'o_,9_raphy 111u) S1~4gtJ..•te0 RenJi11,t; m

Srone, Merlin. 117hm God lfln.1 n W'.1man. Orlando, FL: Harcourt Brace, 1976

Money
Dominguez, Joe and Vickie Robin. Your 1J!lo11t'!J tll' l~111r Life: Tm11Jj'or111i11g Your Relatio11.1hip
ll'ith Money(////) Arhitving Fina1wiil !11dtpmdt1u·e. New York: Penguin, 1992
Hansen. Mark Vicror and Robert G. Allen. The One 1Hin11te '1fillio11nirc The E11~ghtma} tl7ny
TFlca/Jh. New York: Harmony Books, 2002
lo
Nemeth, Maria. The Energy oj'//11111ry: A Spiritual G111ih: to Pi11a11ci11/ a11d Per,1(111al FuljiLL111e11t.
New York: Ballantine, 1997
Wilde. Stuart. Thc 1i·ick to 1Ho11ey ,;, Hm•ing Some! Carlsbad, CA: Hay House, 1995

Relationships
Cottman, John a nd Nan Silver. The Se1•1:n Pni1t1ii!l'.I;;,,. 11lak1il!J 1J1nrnn.17i: Work. New York:
Three Rivers Press, 1999
Gray, John. /Um Art From tlfar.•, IY"1men Are FrtJm llc1111J. New York: Harper Collins, 1992
Vanzant, lyanla. Jn the t11ea11t1i11c: Finding YourJcl/ ad the UJl'e You lF-11111. New York:
Simon & Schuster, Inc., 1998
Vedral. Joyce L. Get RilJ of flii11. Warner Books. l993

Sexuality
Bodansky, Steve a nd Vera Bodansky. E\·tmde1) A/11,1Ji11e OrgaJm: H1111• i'tm Can Girt! and Rw:i1•r.
lniellJe &rnal Plm.mre. Alameda, CA: Hunter House, 2000
Easton, Dossie and Catherine A. Liszt. rJ7hen S111111:11m· J'tm Lo11e !.1 !(inky. Greenery Press,
2000
Eisler, Riane. Samd Plea,11/J'i!: Sr.\·, 11/yth, and tbr P11/it1rJ of the &Jy. New York:
Harper Collins, 1995
fV\istress Lorelei. The llli.itre.1,1 !lf111wal: The GotJJ Gir/:1Gatdc to Female Dominance.
Erne1yviUe, CA: Greenery Press, 2000

Spirituality
Anderson, Sherry Ruth and Patricia Hopkins. The &mi.i1uu: Face of G11IJ. New York:
Bantam Books, 1992
Dyer, Way ne. //1anifeJt lour Dt'Jtiny: The Nuze Spiritual Pri.i1cipk.1 J(ll' Gdting E1•uytlnizg l't111
ll7nnt. New York: Harper Collins, 1997
Ford, Debbie. The Dark SiJc of the u:qht CbaJt1:1. New York: Penguin Putnam, 1998
Holmes, Ernest. Thi.i Thing Called lo11. New York: Jeremy P. Tarcher!Putnam, 1997
Myss, Caroline. .':i/J1i·it11al 11'/adfl(-.1.J. (AulJio, Unalmi~qe<) Et)ition) Sounds True, 2002
Walsch, Neale Donald. Com•malt~11w ll'ith GtJJ (Sm(.t). Cbarlonesville, VA: Hampton Roads,
1995

e 2s5 C!'l
e 11.mw On Top

Interviews for Chapter 7: The Man's Perspective-Why She Leads

Chapter 7 summarizes the insights 1 gained from tnterviewing three men
who are proud partners in a woman-led marriage. T hese a re the interviews
in Fu lJ. This is not a large or scientifically selected group. but l believe you
will fi nd it enlightening to hear how these men feel about their marriages
a nd their partners in their own words. Their names have been changed to
protect their privacy.

First is Robert, a graphic design consultant whose wife is an editor and

writer. Second is Alex, a retired electrician whose wife is a minister. And
third is my own husband, Stephen, a musician.

Interview 1: Robert
B: Do yo1L con.1ider youue/f a Comet Man or a Meteor l/llan anu why?
Robert: After reading some of your book I guess I'm going to say that I'm a
Comet Man. And it's not that it really described what a Comet Man is, but
more that it said that a Comet .Man is an i.deal partner for a Star
Woman ... that her energy and zeal lig hts my fire.

B: Ano you identify with tbat?

Robert: Yeah, I really do. I'd have to describe myself as one of those people
who doesn't get up and go and do thi ngs unless somebody's making it hap-
pen for me. I have dreams of going places and doing things, but somebody
else has to plan it out and make it happen. My wife, Karen, is that p erfect
person.

B: So it .tOunUJ like you are the perfect .lllpport perJ01z?

Robert: Yes, I think so.

B: S o wo1& you charactereu Karen a.1 a S tar Woman?

Robert: I would definitely put Karen in the Star Woman category, but [
know she's got the other Earth Mother influences in her too.

a 286 o
13: All wtmU!n uo ha11e both, hut t1011ie "/ UJ are more hea11ily weighte() towar()
being a Star JP'oman - the majority of women are maillly Earth Mother.J, with
.Jome Star lVom.an characteric1tic.1 too. That wou/i) be my gu.uJ about Karen
ac1 well - .10 )/Ott 're the peefect match for her being a Comet Man.
Robert: It's a good match. It really is a great match .

B: U7hat l'"e been doi11_9 in writing thi.,,1 book ic1 .Jtuuyuig what maku a great
match for a .1tro11g woman aniJ why. Now he/ore yotL met J(aren, what were you.
looking for i11 a woman?
Roherl: T he list is incredible, but basically someone who w as just down to
earth, normal, no weirdnesses and I don't know if that comes from upbring-
ing or good parenti ng or w hat, but someone w ho didn't have any strange-
nesses about them, w ho was fun, childlike, who .loved to get out and p lay.
Those were some of the most important qualities.

B: Both of you haiJ grown chilore11/rom previoll.J nuzrri.agu before you met?
Rohe.rt: Yes, they were all finishing high school or older.

B: Wa.1 thi.1 aL111ay.1 the kind of qualitt'.e.1 you looke() for in a woman or hac1
that cha11geo ji·om your younger ()ay,1 J
Robert: No, I think that's what I always wanted. And it's a tough find. 1 real-
ly found that out. I was married 22 years and being single again bad its
issues or un happiness. I met a lot of' women and dated quite a bit. And 1 just
couldn't find a woma n that had those qualities. 1 wanted a woman who was
exciting and not strange and very easy to get along wi th. It took a w hile for
Karen to fin ally look in my direction. It was hard t:o find a match.

B: What were the qualitt'.e.1 i1z the women that you iJi() meet that tur11e() yoLL off?
Robe.rt: J ealousy was one. T hen there were the little weirdnesses, like on the
Seinfeld episode where Evelyn dances really fu nny and stomps her feet. I
found myself hav1ng an issue like that. There was one girl I dated w ho
always wore boots an d when she danced she'd jusf· stomp the bejeebies out
of the floor. And it was one of those things w here you say, 'I don't know if
l can live w ith thi s the rest of my liJe.' l t was kind of bizarre and weird.

B: So they ha() quirk.J that youju.Jt couldn't li11e with?

Robert: Yeah, things that r just w asn't happy w ith. W hether it w as clinging
on, hanging on tight, or just strange weirdnesses about their personalities,
or jealousy.

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E3 ~"'"' 011 Top
B: Sound.1 Like .Jome of it wad emotional in.1ec1u·itie.1 a110 immaturity.
Robert: Yeah, that's how I'd describe it. And that's why l go back to that nor-
mal t hing - wanting someone· who is confident in herself, who's fun, who's
excited, who doesn't have to worry about getting jealous, who knows that
I'm there and I'm not going to go out and play around. l guess it's all about
confidence and having a good strong feeling about themselves.

B: Do I u11'Jerc1/:an'd t•()rrectly it to"k a little while/or ymt t<J //el: Karen '.! atten-
tiofl, hut you were 11ery per.1t'.1tent?
Robert: Yes l was!

B: Becau.1e.. . ?
!Wbert: Because something sparked me about her, there was this inner feel-
ing. This woman walked with confidence, she was a.l ways smiling and
happy and l guess I looked for that, too. I want somebody who is happy all
the time. She definitely had a spark that just had my attention. It's funny
because I didn't really know her personality that well; just from what I saw
of her through che freelance work I was doing for her company. There was
just something about her.

B: Once you uiiJ get lt1gether an() uateiJ an'd .1tarteiJ Lhi11ki11g about marriage,
what were your ohjectivu and c1trategie.J for the long-term .mccu.J of your rela-
tio1Mhip?
Robert: Wow, you know I never even thought about that one. Strategies?
Long-term? Tguess it just boils down to - hate the word fate, but- knowing
this is the right person. You know when you date somebody for a year or
two; you pretty much know that there are no problems, no issues, no
strangenesses. Eve1ything just flowed so smoothly. You're happy all the time.
You know people always say that marriage takes work. My whole life I
always thought, ll'hy 11101& marriagt! take work? It's almost like being with your
best friend, where you just get along so we ll and everything rolls along nice
and smooth and easy. That doesn't take work. That just kind of happens. If
you think back on a.II y our friend s and relationships that you really got along
with well - once in a wh ile maybe you bumped heads in your y ounger years,
but as adults I think it just flowed along so smoothly. And I guess that's what
I always pictured a good marriage to be - that you just got a.long so won-
derfully that there was never any work or never any thought of, "Oh, I bet-
ter do this to improve or I better do this to make the ot her person happy.''

C 288 D
 1lppmJi.\- A m
B: So it Jotuu).1 lilce you Jiun 't ha11e to have any ptU·ticular objecti11e.1; youJiwt
.uuv that there wad thiJ great compatibility.
Robert: That's somethjng I've always looked for, thinking that's what a great
relationshjp is all about. It's beautiful companionship and compatibility, and
I just assumed in my first marriage that's w hat was going to happen . You
think that's always forever. M aybe that's what I was looking For, that was the
missing link in all my other relationships - that it didn't fl ow so perfectly all
the time. There were Jjttle fl aws, there were just things that weren't right.

B: Dt"J that deem lilce too nwch work?

Robert: Not even too much work. l just don't want to do nny world It's like
life; you just want it to go so beautifully and wonderfully. That's what I
expected, that's what I wanted and fortunately that's w hat l Found \\rith
Karen. It just w orks beautifu lly.

B: Wou!lJ you .1ay that Karen i.1 the leader in your marriage?
Robert: I would say y es, absolutely. She's got a good strong personality, she's
articulate, she knows what she wants, and she's a great planner. She's think-
ing way ahead. And I'm your basic kind of guy - I eat, drink, and maybe
think about what am I going to do tomorrow. I don't plan a lot of things out
ahead of time. Sol think that's what works very well for us. She's a planner
and l'm not. I love to be the doer, to go out and p lay, and have ftrn, and do
l'rips a nd travel. Karen makes that all happen. She plans it, puts the budget
aside for it, and we do it.

B: .Do you think being in uifferent phaJe.1 of life woullJ make it more or le<1<1
likely that a woman woullJ {~() in a marriage, or do you think it'.! nwre per-
Jona.lity?
Robert: My Jife experience has shown me that as people get o lder they get
more set in their ways. Men tend to be grumpier and they want to have their
specilic things their way. And f 've seen so many women aU my life just go
with that flow, because that's the guy they married . In our day a nd age right
now seems like women are sayi ng, "No, 1 want to make me happy. I don't
want to be the tagalong in this relationship, the maid, the servant, the sex
partner, the w ifo in the relationship. I want eq ua l status. 1 know where I'm
going. r have a direction and I want to go that way."
So it could be just that women have a lot more of that power these days. It's
a wonderful time to be a woman. But I think that's what life is all about.
Why should anybody be the slave? You 've got to be able to go after what
you want, and you've got to have a supportive spouse to go a lo ng with it.

O 289 G
£3 v~1111.1 _0 1_1 _To..;..'P_ _ __ _ _ _ _ _ __ __ _ _ _ _ _ _ __

B: How uoeJ the deci.Jion making proce.1J work uz your marr1:age, Like m.ak.i11g
major financial 'deci.n'orw?
Robert: l think that's pretty much a 5 0/50. We p retty much talk about what
we're going to do, where we're goi ng to go with it, a nd w hat the goal and
d1e objectives are with the money. Like purchasing a ca1~ w hen the best time
is and getting the money lined up for our nex"t car.

B: l .1 one of you the financial manager or do you. t1hare that?

Rob.:rl: Karen absolutely loves doing bills. She pays the bills, she looks at
them and says," Oh, boy, look w hat I've got left!" When I pay bills, I'm
going, "Darn, I hate them taking all my money!" So we look at it complete-
ly different - it's the glass half full, glass half empty thing. T herefore, Karen
is thrilled to do the fin ancial paperwork because all it does is depress me.
S he is thrilled to hand le the bills a nd the money and I'm perf'ectly okay with
that. 1 have no problem with that because it saves me a lot of grief, a lot of
headaches, and a lot of disappointment that my money is going other places
instead of in my own pocket. It works out really good. So, yes, she is the
money woman.

B: Do you feel your viewpoint i.J hearu when there are 'deci.Jion.1 to be niade?
Robert: Oh , absolutely. I think Karen considers very carefully everything
that goes in. I think she has a mu ch better thinking process than I do in
those categories.

B: ll7hat ui() you envi.Jion in tbi.J marriage aJ far aJ affecti.011, and .Je,'I: go?
Robert: G reat sex. That is important. It was lacking in the past. And again
that's part of that good partnership you're looking for when you're dating.
I didn't want any weirdness. I wanted somebody who was free and hands
on a nd willing to try all kinds of things. Just a wonderful good warm
healthy relationship and that's hard to find, too, sometimes.

B: Do you think Karen ba.J traine.Q you .JO tbat yotL know wha.t pl.ea.Ju her and
what doe,m 't, or ha11e y ou kind of trained each other?
Robert: For us I don't think there was any traini ng involved . For me, I'm
pretty open and happy with who l am and what I'm capable of doing. 1 just
"""anted equal rime for myself. .Maybe that's a ljttle selfish on my part, say-
ing I know what I want and 1 lrnow what l need. As far as Karen goes, I
don't think it was any real training. I think for her it was having a great
partner who doesn't laugh or mock when you bring up a new subject or
want to t1y something new. I'm righ t there to back her up and say, sure, let's

a 290 Gl
 Appcndi.>.: I I rn
give it a try. So I think she's able now to experience and just totally be free
without anybody saying, "What's wrong with you? " It's just, let's play and
have fun. 1 th ink that's pretty healthy. I think I'm pretty aware of what she
likes a nd she's aware of what J like and it all fell into place.

B: lltJw about when it co11iet1 to .1haring the hotueho/J cbore,1?

Robert: That one is interesting. That one just kind of happens. IF I know the
floor needs to be vacuumed. 1'11 just get up and do it. If Karen cooks the meal,
I'll do the dishes. If I'm cooking, she'll say, "Hey, I'll do the dishes." I think
there's a real easy balance there. There's no saying, "Okay, here's the man's
list, here's the woman's list." No "my chores, her chores." We just kind of
jump on whatever needs to be done. Some things I'm definitely better at; some
things Karen is de6.nitely better at. Again, it just fell into place wonderfully.

B: It "muiu.1 like whe1t you. .1ee .10methi11g neeiJr1 uoing and you k.110111 how to 'do
it, you.jtMl .90 aheaiJ anu take re.1po11.1ibility for doing it. She doe.tn't ha11e to
nag you.
R<Jbt!rl: No, not at all. Well, maybe on a few things. But for the most part, no
- for example, if I get up in the morning and she's already at work in the
office. I make the bed. And for dishes, if something's lying there, one of us
w1JI just take care of it. There's no real nagging. She might have to remind
me o nce in a while, like "This computer's been sitting out here on the table
For a few weeks; it's probably time to move it soon." Those are nice little
hints, but certainly not nagging.

B: Would you <1ay that one of y()ur major g()aU in life i.1 to .1ee that <1he i.1
plen.1e()?
Ro/Jeri: Absolutely. But I th ink that's the same with anybody you love, like
your fam11y. You never want to hurt them; you want to make sure that
they've got a good, happy life. With your children, there's a difference
between spoiling and pleasing. You don't want to spoil them too much,
which I have a tendency to do with my children. But yes, you want your
partner to be happy, so pleasing is definitely in the best interest. I mentioned
before about expecting a wife to be a slave and cook the meals, do the dish-
es, make s ure the bed is made, and I've got clean socks in my drawer. That's
not what a relationship is about. You want to have a good time. You want a
lot of love, a lot of laughter; you want to enjoy your time together. For me,
that's the bottom line with anybody. So, yeah, I want to make sure she's
happy and pleased.

c 291 El
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B: When there ii confl.i.ct how i.1 it baJUJko?

Robert: I don 't think we ever have conflict. I don't think we've bumped into
anythi ng like that.

B: 110111 !011;9 ha11e you heen together?

Rober/': Ob, about 3 or 4 years now.

B: A11u you never uuagree ahoat anything?

Robert: Only minor little things really. Once in a while one of us might do
something that bugs the o ther one, b ut we just say. "Please don't do that
again." So they don't do it again and that's it. \Ve 've been very fortunate.

B: So '{}q you think it'.J a fiuzctio11 of the fact tha.t yoJL evere Jo compatihle at the
out.let that you don't ba1•e n rea.1 where there aJ•e aJly major uilagreement.J?
Robert: That's probably it and I th ink that's a rarity. But that's what I've
a lways looked for. I always thought this is the way it's supposed to be.
I think I've finally got what I think a marriage is supposed to be all about.
r feel very fortunate there.
B: Since you readily reco.9mze that Karen t".! a leaiJer-Lype a1zu Jhe'.J more the
leader in your marrt'.a ge, '()i'd it take you Jome tim e to realize that tbw cvaJ the
r~9ht kind of woman for you? Did you mayhe not under.Jta.nd tha.t about your-
.1elf i.rt your younger uayJ?
Robi!rl: I think what I've always understood is that I want to go p laces, l want
to do thi ngs, 1want to explore Ii Fe, different places in the world, biking, camp-
ing, traveling, seeing, eA.-periencing. All that is very strong inside of me b ut I
d idn't have the planning ability to go out and get it done. Quite a few things
happened for me, but not to the d egree that I thoug ht I sbould be experienc-
ing life. So, if I stop and think about it, I'd say, yeah, I realized that about
myself. that I probably needed more that leader kind oF partner. But T never
even thought about it like that's what I should be looking for. 1 never even
looked at i.t until just now when you were asking me this. That should have
been an issue. That should have been o.n the list of things I was looking fo r.

B: Ynu Jee, tbi.; ii the rea.um why I'm writing tbu hook, beca1.1<1e tbe kind of
relati01uhip you. have alld the l:tjpeJ of per.101u1litie.J that yoLL an 'd Karen are,
aJld Stephen anlJ I are - we have no nwdeU for thi.J. I t'.; llOt u.p there 011 the
radar Jcreen for relati.011.,hip.1. A1UJ peopl.e that are ottr perJonality l:ljpeJ don 't
realize tha.t we 1Zeed a differen t lcilld of partner than Ct'.n derell.a. or Pri,11ce
Cha mu.Ilg.

c 292 0
Robert: You have to study, take a test and pass it to get a driver's license and
drive a car. You can't drive a car without a driver's license. You have to go
to school and get a degree to be a professor or doctor. You have to do all
these things to get somewhere, but any person can make children and have
a relationship, probably the t:wo most important things in the world.

IJ: !Jut nowhere <Jo we have to 'iJemo11.1trate any competen cy, i.1 that 1'.t?
Robert: Yeah, y ou can go out and look for classes on childrearing and rela-
tionships or read books, but it's not a mandatory requirement and it should
be. There should be books and information that are mandatory in school that
show here's how to have a good relationship, here's how to treat people prop-
erly, here's how to raise child ren properly and so on. But· nowhere do we
have to learn anything before we marry, make babies, a nd raise them. I'm
a mazed at this. It's incredible.

B: What wou!J you Jay to other m e11 111ho might think tha.t heillg itz thiJ kbw
of rela.Ho11c1hip woaUJ Jetractfrom their ma.nhoo'J?
RcJbert: It doesn't at all fo r me, but maybe that's because f'm comfortable
with who l am and who Karen is. Other men might not be. There are men
who want to be in charge, who want to be the boss, who want to handle the
finances. Now whether t hey're good at it or not in any of those areas is a dif-
ferent story. l think Karen is very easygoing, but I know t hat she's bumped
heads in past relationships and maybe it is because of her personality - that
scares them. They think, well !'i>e got to be the man; l'11e ,1;11t lo be the tcJu,qb gay.
That's all bull. Those are just ego problems that a lot of men have.

B: So when you Jon't have that ego p rohlem, it freu you to ao

what'd rightfor
you and to have the ki.n;J of refuri'.on.1hi'p that'd right for you?
Rober/: Yes, which is the relationship I wish everybody had. Just have a
great time with it. Be comfortable with who you are. And as long as you get
to be you and your partner does too, then life is wonderful. There's no hold-
back for anybody.

IJ: Jf,'hat wo1t..IJ you Jay are the a.' J11a.11lnget1 and the iN.1au11anl'a,_9 e,1 ofhaving a
powerf11/ woman a.; your wife?
Robert: D isadvantages'? Absolutely none. W ell, I guess iF l go to a party, I
can't say I'm the man of the house - big deal! Who cares? T he advantages
are that l have done more in my life since knowing Karen than I ever did in
the 22 years I was married before. I have gone more places, seen more
things, and e>cperienced so much more of the world than I ever have before

£3 295 s
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just in the short time we've been together. Because she plans things and gets
things done and off we go. For me that's incredible. She has just opened the
doors to a lot of avenues that I never would have done myself.

B: Do you Like the fa.ct that t1he ,Jta.nQd on her OIV/l two feet ano i4 not uepend-
ent on yoa?
Robert : I'm proud of that fact. I think it's excit-
ing. When she's talking or telling stories or
hanging out with fri ends or going wherever she 's
I catch my.tel/ con.l/:ll.l1tly
looking at her, ju<1t thinkillg, going. 1 catch myself constantly looking at her,
'T'm .to prou2 of thiJ just thinking, 'Tm so proud of this woman !" It's
woman!" unbelievable the way she smiles, the way she
talks, the way she articulates, t he way she stands
on her own two feet. I'm impressed l

B: So her accomplit1lmr.e11.1:c1 oon 't nuzlce yoa feel le.1.-1 than?

Ro6ert: No, it doesn 't affect me at all. I'm thrilled for her.

B: In c!o.1in.'J, i.1 there anything you'() Like to aay to the re.it of the male popu-
lation out there?
Ro6ert: To the average man out there I think the bottom line is, just get off
the ego trip, get off the male I'm in charge thing and just go have fun. My
gosh, once you get rid of all of that "I want to be the boss, I have to be in
charge, I'm going to go buy this sports car without any permission from my
partner" stuff you'll see you've lost so much. Just have a great time in life
sharing it with your partner and treating them special. You're going to get
it back very easily when you stop being a dominating son of a gun, w hich 1
think most guys are. They want to be the boss, be in charge, and have con-
trol. Get off the ego trip. Take off your pants and shu t up, and y ou 're going
to have a blast!

c 294 (]
- - - - -- - - - - - - - -- - -
Interview 2: Alex

B: How long ha11e you. and Rev. Joanne known each other?
Ale•.:: We've known each other for 18 years and we've been married for 10
years.

B: How 'JU) you. meet?

Ille•.:: We both worked for the local school district. I was an electrician a11d
she was a landscape maintenance supervisor. I actually met her coming out
of a bush! Back in those days she dressed down in bib overalls and a Aan-
nel shirt, hair in two little short p)gtails, one went one way and one went the
other. I thought that was a little weird but after I talked to her for a while,
she said she did that on purpose because nobody paid any attention to her
when she dressed down. She sometimes had to be in a kind of rough part of
town so I understood w hy she did it.
We got to know each other through the staff parties they used to have on
Fridays, a TGIF kind of thing. That's how we actually got together to talk
and it just went from there.

B: What were you looking for in a worn.an?

Ale:\:: I wasn't actually looking for a woman at all. I had just come out of a
difficult marriage. 1 thank Joanne for coming into my life because if she
hadn't, I probably would have drunk myself to death. I was in a bad situa-
tion, having a hard time just coping with the whole idea of being divorced
from my first wife who I'd been married to for a long time. Joanne really
helped me out a lot and it just kind of worked from there. We became very
good friends and buddies actually. She'd show up on my doorstep at some
of the weirdest times, but it was kind of a godsend because it was like, she
knew I was in trouble and she just showed up. It worked that way.

B: What attracted you to her?

Ale:'!.:: Joanne is a very smart person. She's got a really outstanding memory.
I think it was the fact that she was very soft with me and helped me work
out of my problems. That's what really attracted me to her. Just the friend-
ship part of it was the start of the whole thing and it just went on from there.
We really enjoyed each other's company and it progressed from there.

~ 295 8
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B: So you. were friend.1 and then dated for .wme 7 or 8 year.1?

JJ/e.1:: Well, I got into a financial bind. I was making a lot of money, making
more overtime money than regular money, but l was spending it because I
was by myself. She said, "You've got to stop doing this. You've got to put
some money away." So she got me into a 401K, got me to put money in a
savings account, got me a checking account, and even taught me how to buy
groceries. I'd just go through the grocery store - I didn't know how to buy
groceries. I was living by myself at the time. Like buying bananas - you
don't buy six ripe bananas, you buy five unripe bananas a11d one ripe
banana. And things like that. She really helped me out financially. I don't
mean she helped me financially-she helped me get myself fin ancially
straight.

B: How did marriage come into the picture?

Ale,.:: Well, we started dating, I mean seriously dating. We decided to live
together. I'm 20 y ears older than Joanne a nd I clidn't know if that was going
to work, so we lived together for a while to see how it was going to work.
And it worked out pretty good, so we d ecided to get married. l started going
to J oanne's church . Before we even started going together, Joanne said she
wanted to be a minister and I kind of laughed, because Joanne worked with
a crew of a t least 21 guys and they were tough. And she was tough on them.
In fact. l used to tell her that if she w ere the only person in the world to
work for, I wouldn't have a job. But we decided to get married and it has
worked for 10 years now. Nothiog's perfect; it's not a perfect world but
we're striving to get it there.

B: Dio you both make a. co11.1cioLU choice that Joanne wo1tUJ he nwre of the
leader uz the marriage?
Ale..:: J would say yes to that. Joanne helped me get myself out of debt and
get me financially straight. Joanne's very good with money - saving it and
putting it out. She makes it possible for us l:o go off for a couple days vaca-
tion p retty often. She makes it possible for us to stay at some really nice
hotels. We've been to Europe, we've been to
E:38DGDO£JC!:lt:'3r:JDD Alaska and it's all because Joanne knows how to
handle the money to pay for different things. We
She'.J a .90001
don't have a ny outstanding debts. We pay our
good money ma1ia,9er.
credit cards off every month. She's a good, good
money manager.

!I 296 t:J
 AppenJi.:1: 11 rn
B: So you're happy to let her ba110Le tbefin.ance.1?
I am. And she shows me what's going on so I know. In my first mar-
Afe.i::
riage, 1 just handed my paycheck to my wife and s he handled it. Well, t hat's
one reason why we're not married anymore, because she wound up giving
all the money away to our grown children, which I didn't th ink was right.
But Joanne and I work together with the money and i.f I overstep she lets
me know about it. Some things 1 buy that I shouldn't, and s he says, "Don't
do that anymore. Let's talk about it 6rst."

B : Hou1doe.J the deciJion making proce.JJ work in your marriage?

The decision process is between the two of us. If we decide we want
Afe.;;:
to do something or go someplace, we talk abou t it.

B: What 'do you thi1tk your compatibility iJ baae'd on?

Ale..•: We just get along. We love each other. We laugh a lot together. We have
a good time together. So I think that's half of living together.

B: Do you feel that your viewpoint icJ heard on 'decicJion4?

Al.e.x: Yes, I really do.

B: Do you tlJink that Joann~ bacJ ba0 to train you in c1ome area<1, or ao you
think you.'11e traine() each other?
I was p retty much set in my ways because of my age and Joanne kin d
Ale.i::
of taught me that what I believe isn't always right. I'd sit back and look at
that and go, "You know, she's r ight." This is a diffe rent life than I had before
so things have to change. We talked about that. It's a mutual thing with us.
Yeah, if y ou want to say she's trained me, I'd go along with that. She bas
shown me the way.

B: WacJ there a lea..1tfavorite training pr"ce.1<1?

Alex: I d id have a little problem with her teUing me what to do with my
money, but when I sat back and looked at the big picture ... well, I'm 20
years older and I was getting ready to retire. I have a good reti.rement pack-
age, but yet I was spending money so fast, I need ed to put something away
just so we could have fun on top of my retirement. Again, Joanne taught me
how to do that and it worked in to the picture quite w ell.

EJ 297 8
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To~'P_ _ __

B : JJ7hen there i.J conflict between you, how ir1 that han'dle'd?
Ale.-r.: We've bad a few words; I think everybody does. I don't bear well and
sometimes I don't hear what she's said. Or I hear it wrong. I wear hearing
aids and I don't ljke wearing them, but I have to because otherwise I can't
hear right. So we get into arguments about things that she 's said that ·1 don't
hear right. We might yell a bit, but l realize that 90 percent of it is me and
nor her, because she's trying to direct roe in the right ilirection. I know that's
what she's doing. She doesn't play games with me. W hen we have talks it's
serious stuH: and w hen we play, it's play stuff. So the problem co.mes when
l don't hear ber; maybe I should learo to read li ps!

B: What about the path that le{) you to he in thi.; kinJ of marriage? D iiJ you
realize that tht'.i i11vha t you wanteiJ or 'iJUJ itj11c1t happen?
Afe.,-.· J didn't really want to get married. I didn't want to settle down ,vjth
anybody after my divorce. I just figured I'd live alone forever. I asked
Joanne out a couple times just to have a drink because I liked the way she
talked. It was the seriousness about her in the things that 1 was doing. I
liked t hat. T liked what she was saying to me. After the talks we had and
w hat she had done for me, I decided that she was p robably the more dom-
inan t of the two of us. l didn't have a problem with it because we both talk
over everything that we do when we do something serious. So it's still a
mutual thi ng with us.

B: Now that'.J very 'differmtfrom 1110<1t men in your generation.

Ale...:: Yes it is. Most men my age want to be the dominant one. I know most
of my frie nds do. But I'm willing to let Joanne lead because she's such a
good leader. 1 decided that I could live with that. l could be with tbjs woman
and live with her being a good leader, and leading me, w hjch she has done
a lot of. l think it's kind of an 80/20 situation with Joanne and I -and I nave
no problem with that. She supports me in doing a lot of things. Like if I
want to go and see my frie nds, she has no p roblem with that. She doesn't
say, well, you can do this but y ou can't do that. It's always worked well.

B: What woulJ you r1ay to other nwi who might feel that thi.J kill() of rela-
tum,1hip woul() 'Jetractfrom their ma11hood?
Ale.-r.: Well, you've got to look at the big picture. If you don't want to give in
to any of that stuff, then y ou won 't. But if you want to have a good rela-
tionsh ip w ith a partne r in this day and age, you should do that. I w ill ad mit
that Joanne was very macho w hen I met her. probably more macho than

E3 298 E)
 Appem)i.x A ('.J
any woman I've ever been with. I would say to the guys, tbaL if' you have
gotten into a relationship where you think the woman is more dominant
than you, then you should talk about it. See bow it works out. l'rn much
older than Joanne; in fact, she could be one of my children, but l have no
problem witb her being dominan t because look what we have! 'vVe have a
lot of things that I would have never had if I hadn't gotten w ith this lady. I
have a nice house, a new car. and new furniture that are aU. paid fo r! 1 would
have never gotten here i[ jt hadn 't been for Joanne.
If you 're looking at the opposite sex and thinking, hey, this isn't going to
work because I'm the dominant male, you had better look at both sides of'
the pic1urc. Because the side I'm looking at, l really like!

B: What are the aLJvmztage.1 an'd the oila'dvantage.1 of bavin.9 a powerful

won1a11. ad your wife?
Alex: Well, the disadvantage could be J'm a male a nd a woman shouldn't be
telling me what to do. But that's old school thinking - J <loo 't have a prob-
lem with it. The plus part about it with my lady is the things we get to do
and the places we get to go a nd the compatibility that we have. I don 't see
any disadvantage at all, really.

B: So you prefer baving a woman who call Jtand 011 ber own two feet?
Afe.x: Oh, you betcha! l don't have to push her along. I don't have to follow
her around or pick up after her at a U!

B: Tell me a Li.ttLe about how you ,mpport Joamze uz her career a.1 a nunilter.
I know that you .mpport ber lnJ 'doing nwch of the background work that'.1
needed for church Jervice to run J1twothLy.
A/e.y: I'm reti.red. If I bad a job, it might be a differe nt situation because I'd
be tied up doing other things. When Joanne told me she wanted to be a
minister I had some doubts about it at fir·st. But she put herself through
ministerial school while she was still working. Then she was offered the job
at this church and I was happy to move to this beautiful place. I rather enjoy
supporting her in her career. I have the time to do it and so it's fun for me.

B: lPhe11 you got married were ymL aware that .Jhe wanted thi.1 for her career?
Ale:x: I was because she was already going to school for it. In fact there was
a tim e that we thought she might have to go to school over 80 miles away,
so we were going to buy a motor home so that when she got off work Tcould
drive her to the school that was a couple hours away. Then w hen class was

E3 29!) c.::J
 £3 llem1J_0_11_ 1i
_o;,_
'P _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ __ _ __ _ _ _ _ __ _

over she cou ld sleep all the way home a nd we'd park at her jobsite so she'd
be right there for work in the morning. That's how l was going to support
her with that, but it ended up that she was able to do her training near our
home after all.

B: I.I there anything that you() Like to tell the rut of the male population?
Ale~-c: If you ever get a chance to marry a young minister, it's a fun thing. I
get to go to all the weddings a nd all the rest. Marrying a younger woman
doesn't hurt. S he sure has kept me going. 1 get
COaOCOCDCDCO up every morning with a smile o n my face. It's
great being married to a powerful woman.
I get up every morning
cvilb a Jnu"/.e on my / au.
[t'.J great being mar ried to a
powerful woman.

~ JOO [:J
 lppen&1:\' /J
_ _ _ _1-'- G'J
Interview 3: Stephen Abernathy
I asked Stephen to pretend I was a reporter who was trying to under-
stand why and how a man could fee l comfortable living with a strong and
powerful woman at the helm . So in his answers he speaks oF me in the third
person.

B: TP'h at were yo1L l.oolcing for in a ivoma n?

Stephtin: I wanted to find an intelligent, mature, responsible woman that I
could relate with, that was from my generation. I wasn't looking for youth. I
had 21years of a good marriage with some ups and downs like any marriage.
I wanted to find a woman who was mature in her ideas. Spirituality played
a big part in it, but not any kind of organized religion. I wanted a woman
w ho was adventurous, som eone I could go camping with, hiking, flying, any
kind of activity like that. l a lso wanted someone who would be interested in
my music and my career because my ex would never come to any of my gigs.

B: f.f/ hat characten'.!tiCJ ha() to grow in yoLL uz order to appreciate Jucb a w1mzaJi?
Stephm: I think they w ere a lways there but they were repressed in my last
marriage. When I came out to California in the early 70's I found more
enlighten ment in the women in general. After my marriage, I just had to
learn to look for t hings in a pe rson that I d·id n't want ro conti nue the second
time around . 1 didn't really plan on getting married again. After the divorce
I just wanted to date other women, have fun, and see what was out there.
Barbi, to me, is the epitome of a woman unleashed, the new woman - ide-
alistic in one sense but so ethereal and mysterious at the same time. l want-
ed to get to know her better when I first met her. T he 6rst time I met her I
gave her a hug. There was an aura about her.
When we sat next to each other at the coffee shop on our first date ... she had
these leggings on w ith little mountain boots, a cute little blonde. I felt very
comfortable with Barbi. Then when I found out she was from New Jersey,
T said, "Uh, o h! " l thought she was going to be one these typical East
Coasters 1ke I used to date back in the 70's w hen f lived there, bu t lo and
behold, she came out to California and got enlightened.
J EEZ! She was fro m Jersey, Italian, lots of fami ly back there. Me, from
Brooklyn. Italian, lots of Family bade there! Imagine, meeting in California !
Then we discovered that our fami lies back there lived thirty minu tes away
from each other. And on and on it went.

9 JOI Q
£3 flen11<1 011 1i1p_ _ _

My god, we talked for hours and then the night was over. Long story
s hort ... our next date was ] 3 hours, an all day affair, and then we started
seeing each other seriously.

B. Once you ()i{) Jtart thinking about marriage, what were your "~J'ecti11e.J a11u
c1trategie.1 for long-term Jtu:c.eJJ?
Stephen: \.Vhen we were dating f wasn't thinking abour marriage and I don't
remember when the issue came up. \Vhen I moved in with her - then the
goal was ma rriage. Let's see if we can live together first. There was no real
strategy involved.

B. Do you thillk the <Jifferent pha.JeJ of Life make it more or le.JJ Likely that a
cvo11uin 1vouliJ lead in the marriage?
Stephen: I think a woman-led marrtage could happen in any phase or Jife. lt
depends on who is the more qualified of the two. Since I was more qualified
to handle the Finances in my household fo r 21 years, I did it. I would say that
the most qualified person of the two should be the one to ha ndle the finances.
And whoever handles the finances doesn't make it a woma n or man-led mar-
riage; it just means that the financial head is the person more capable.
But as far as making decisions and things, I think that a man should be more
open-minded in the way he perceives a woman and her abilities, because of
the way women have been pushed down for so long. Although I'm not a pro-
ponent of the women 's lib movement per se, they did start out good. They
just ended up putting women in men's suits with padded shoulders, y ou
know, and tried to make men out of them when that really wasn't the goal.
The goal was for a woman to have her freethinking spirit open up and blos-
som like a flower. And it was to h ave men understand that a ll a woman
wants is to be listened to. And if be gives her that right, that respect, that he
can sit and listen to her and understand where she's coming from, whether
he leads the marriage financially or not, that's the key. T he understanding is
that men and women are not rhat different, but in some ways we are that
different. Wo men don't necessarily want us to solve their problems; they
just want to be listened to. Then they'll do the solving themselves.

B: How 'Joe.1 the deci.Jion maki1tg procc.M work in your marriage?

Stc:phen: Barbi comes up with a n idea, and then she discusses it with me, or
vice versa.

El J02 0
 AppmlJ1:-c A Q
B: Do yo1L feel that your w"ewpoint i.I heard?
St-ephen: Well, certainly. ff I didn't, I wouldn't be here.

B: What do you want in your marriage aJ far aJ affectwn anfJ Jex goe.1?
Stephen: Umm .... As much as possible. Especially from her. She's the mis-
tress of the bedroom, takes very good care of me.

B: Do you feel that Barbi ba.J ma.inly trained you, or do youfeel that you have
in a way trained eacb other?
Stephen: Probably. trained each other. When we came into this relationship
it was a new concept. That's maybe why we were a little jittery. 1 knew it
was an open-ended thing. I was going to come up to the mountain and we
were going to see if it would work. It was a new revelation to me that, hey,
there is a woman out there who will cater to my needs and my wants and at
the same ti.me l can cater to her needs and her wants, w hile both of us are
on a learning curve, in a learning experience of trying something new.
This relationsh ip of ours is very different from my last relationship. I pret-
ty much leave all the financial matters to her - after discussion with her
because I figure she's got the noggin' for it. She 's better at it than me!

B: JP hat Wa.J your lea.1t favorite training proce.JJ?

Stephen: Learning to dust before I vacuum. I used to go straight for the vac-
u um cleaner. l had years of experience with my kids. so housework to me
was nothing new. l'd been doing it for a long time for my kids. I thought l
knew how to be Mr. Mom.

B: Bu.t it JowzoJ like Barbi dtd flee() to train you bow .1he liku thing<1 'do11c,
wbat Jbe thillkJ i.J the proper way to do it?
Stephen: \Veil, certainly . And I respected that. And it's a good thing. 'Cause
the house stays cleaner!
But she learned how to accept a man's adaptability. I think that she thought,
with her other marriages, that men w ere too rigid, t hat there's no flexibility
in manhood. I showed her a different route. I call men like me sensi-
tives . .. we're se nsitive to women's needs and wants and I'm sure there are
other men out there that are like me, that think men and women are equal.
Io fact l think women are superior because they have the ability to focus on
many different subjects, w here we are just like a horse with blinders.

El JOJ D
 £; ~..,,u,, a,_
, _1;_,11_ _ _ _

We see one thing at a time. You know, like, go to the store, get the item, and
come home. That's the way we think - like a soldier - achieve your objec-
tive and get back as guide as possible.
There are guys like me out there who believe that women have a moral obli-
gation, really, to teach us a few things. I am
t30tlt:.JCG£30CGCO aware of the fact that my wife is more powerful
than I am. Many women are more powerful than
"Jlany women are nwre
men when fully released to their ambitions. It's a
po111erful than men when fully
changing world out there. Ifs a new century and
relea.1ed ttJ their amhitionJ."
a lot of thinking has to be changed all around,
From political down to domestic and personal.

B: 1J7ben there i.J conflict, how wit han:OleiJ?

Slephen: I don't think there is any conflict. l can't think of any real conflicts
that we've had. 1\ilaybe me being aggravated and saying something and
w alking away.

B: What ahoal emotional upJet.J?

Stephen: Depends on the outburst. If it's al the compu ter, which is about 90
percent of the time, then l just lei- it lie. r figure she's totally capable of tak-
ing care of her computer needs, and even though she's cussing a blue srreak,
it's not my involvement, so I just keep on doing what J'm doing.

B: So you.feel colljlict 1'.J pretty rare in your relati.onJhip?

Stephen: Yeah, pretly rare. You know, we see eye to eye on a lot of different
things, I'd say 98 percent of everything. And if there is a conflict, it's usual-
ly something that's real asinine, mostly on my part. What we have to remem-
ber is that if one person is going crazy, the other
CG~('.]E!c:JC09DHD one has to stay sane and centered. And that's a
rule that she taught me.
u ••• If one per.Jon wgoing

crazy, the other one haJ t11 B: So only 011e perJon can .110 crazy at a t1:me?
.Jtay Jalle and centered."
Stephen: Yeah, that was a valuable lesson that l
learned from her.

B: So when. you .1ee your partner Jfarting to go crazy then that'.! the time when
you mo.1t need to Jtay centered and not participate u1the crazitze.1<1?
Stephen: It depends on who is driving the car when it happens (!t11~9hJ) .

£l J04 D
B: lPhat cotL!d you. day about the path that !eJ yotL l:o being in a wonuw-leo
marriage and made yoLL realize that~! what you wanted to be iJZ?
Stephen: I never thought that the man had to be the leader, even back w hen
I got out of college in the early 70's. Like I said before, whoever is the more
capable of the two should handle the finances. Just because y ou handle the
fi na nces, that doesn't mean y ou' re the boss. Really to me, in a relationship,
there should be no boss. If y ou ' re going to be boss, you should both be arm
in arm boss over the kids.

B: So you don't/eel lt"ke Barbi cd yo1tr bod.1?

Stephen: N o. Except when I do some office w ork for her, like sending out
books. But boss doesn't really come into it. The word has no meaning for
me. L \>Vas always pretty much my own boss, even w hen 1 w orked for some-
one else; I had a lot of responsibility. That's why I was in business for myself
for years and years.

B: Jr/bat woulQ you Jay to other men wbo nught feel that tbid kinfi of rela-
tiondbip coul() detract from. tbe1'.r nuuihood?
Stephen: l don't fee l that way ... there are a lot of Mr. Mom's in this coun try.
And to me that's good training. We a re all both male a nd female. Men have
a male and fem a le side, and women have a male and female side. That's what
this book is about. So I don't think that there's any risk to my masculini ty
just because I take care of the house a nd do the things l need to do around
here to keep the place clean, run errands and all. 1 also work on my own
career and get a lot of supporl with that. Barbi does support me in my
career and I really respect and appreciate that because r didn't have that in
my last marriage, and that's something that's important to me.
Nobody can sa.y he's more of ct rnan or less of a DOD@E.3DGOC3DD@
man because he does a lot of the domestic w ork.
l think chat's just a natural part of being human. Nobody can Jay
l d id it when I had my apartment by myself. 1 had he:1 more of a man or le.1.-1 of
to wash the dishes, clean the tub. sweep, vacuum. a man becau,1e he Joe.1 a /Qt
Those things are a normal part of li fe, so for a of the Jomutic work.
man to feel tha t that hinders his masculinity does-
n't make any sense to me. I think there are a lot
of good man-iages out there where the man helps the woman, they pitch in,
and they dean together. I think that 's more the norm than not. I am rela..xed
abou t my masculinity. l don't have a problem with a ny of it.

C ;05 G
e Vc111_
1J_0_11_Tt
_op,___ _ _

B: Whal a.re the M11anl:age.1 alld dtJad11antage<1 of ha11ing a powerful woman

a.1 your UJije?

Stephm: (don't think there are any disadvantages. [ thjnk they're a ll advan-
tages. This is the 21st century and things are changing. 1 don't see any
d eficit at a ll in my relationship with my w ife. One of the best advantages is
peace of mind - knowing that someone is fully capable of taking care of
whatever needs to be taken care of, and I don't have to worry about it at all.
I know that she's fully capable. And if she does have any problems and she
needs my assistance, she comes to me and we hammer it out. I think that's
a good thing. I think men and women should work together like that. To me
that's normal. And because I did live another way for 20 plus years, it just
gave me an insight into the other side. So I have both perspectives.

B: So yotL prefer ha1•i1Zg a woman who can .1ta11d on her own two f eet and 1:f not
dependent 011 you?
Stephen: l know that every man wants a great helpmate and every woman
wants a great helpmate, so it's a hand-in-hand type of thing. That's w hy the
figure eight is a symbol of eternity. There's that communication between the
two spirits and it's a closed link. When you have a man and a woman that
are linked together that way it's a give and take relationship that's on a par.
T he equ ilibrium in the marriage is like a gyroscope. Tt just stays centered
and that's a good thing. I think men sho uld want to be associated w ith pow-
erful women. I think it's even gla morous to a lot of guys. I dated a lot of pro-
fessional women and I was always delighted with their company.

B: In clot1ing, iJ there a1rything that you'd Like to tell the re.1t of the m ale pop-
ulation out there?
Stephen: Get with it, guys. Learn to recognize a powerful woman when y ou
see her. A lot of us are stubborn and set in our ways, but if we open our-
selves up a little bit we can see t h at there are women out there who a re capa-
ble of doing our job or doing it even better tha n we do. Let's have more
respect for women, and really see them as the wonderfu l and delightful
creatures they are.

G :;06 O
 Appenil1:• B GJ

Five Steps to Peace

In his book called The Ne111 &velntio11<1, Neale D ona ld Walscb offers pow-
erf'u l answers to the spiritua l questions that have plagued the human race
from our beginnings. He shows us that questioning the old beliefs and
replacing them with the truth of your own ex'Perience is the way out. Every
individual who chooses to awaken to their own divine nature is contribut-
ing toward changing their own future and the future of our planet. The fo1 -
lowi ng is an excerpt reprinted with permission from The New Re11e/atimu.

T here are five things you can choose now i.f chang.ing the world, and the
self-destructive direction in which it is moving is what you wish to achieve.

1. You can choose to acknowledge that some of your old beliefs about God
and about Life are no longer working.
2. You can choose to acknowledge that there is something you do not under-
stand about God and about Life, the uoderstandjng of which will change
everything.
3. You can choose to be wi lli ng for a new understanding of God and Life to
na'vv be brought forth, an understanding that could produce a new way of
li fe on our planet.
4. You can choose to be courageous enough to explore and examine this
new understanding, and, if it aligns with your inner truth and knowing,
to enlarge your belief system to include it.
5. You can choose to live your life as demonstrations of your highest and
g randest beliefs, rather than as denials of them.

T hese are the five steps to Peace, and if you take them, you can shift
everything on our planet.

£3 507 El
New Thought Resources

Affil iated New Thought Network (A.NTN)

3505 Camino Del Rio South, Suite # 160
San Diego, CA 92108
Phone: (619) 640-0826
w11111•.11ewthougbt.orgl

United C hw-ch of Religious Science

325 I West Sixth StTeet
Los Angeles, California 90020
Phone: (21. 3) 388-2 I8 1
"'"'"'· religto11.1Jcte11ce. 01:r;I
Religious Science lnternatiooal
P.O. Box 2 152
Spokane, WA 99210-2152
Phone: (509) 624-7000
(800) 662- I 348
11111•111.1<Jintl.orgl

Association of Unity Churches

PO Box 610
Lee's Summit, MO 64063
Phone: (81.6) 524-7414 or (8 16) 524-7750
www. unity. or_q/

Association for Global New Thought (AGNT)

1815 Garden Street
San ta Barbara, CA 931 0 I
Phone: (805) 563-7343
11 11 w.ag11t.org/
1 1

Institute of Noetic Sciences

I 0 l San Antonio Road
Petaluma, CA 94952 USA
Phone: (707) 775-3500
11•11 11 .11oetic.m:9!
1 1

C JOii Q
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ __ _ _ _ _ llc11u,1 011 Top c::l
Help the men in your Life remember their duty.
Clip thecJe J L:t]llJ and po.1t them in your bathroom.J.

C JO!J 0
 beliefs
A changing, I 76-177
Abernathy, Sttpban (husband of author) looking at old ones. liS-176, 23'1
interview with, 301-306 turning old l.eliefs into new ones, 179-190
poem wrinen by. 19 being single. 181
abusi\•e relationships. 37-38 complaining aboul life. 185
nclclictions. men with, 99-100. 102 controll.iog the ego, 182
allinnations. f>O$itive finding happiness. 184
sample list, 179-190 hostage to your feelings. 183
being single, 181 loneliness. 186
compbining nbom life. 185 love, 187
control ego, 182 marriage, 188- 189
finding happiness. 184 men, 190
loneliness, 186 belly dancing, 43-46, 284
love, 187 American Tribal Belly Dance, 43-46, 83
marriage, 188-189 bibliogrnphy, 284-285 .
men, 190 belly dancing, 284
not hcing hosinge to feelings, 183 feminine power, 284
twning old belief's i1110 new beliefs, 177-179 Gcxldess history, 284-285
anger 1111d rcsentmmr. 204-2 12 money, 285
derachmern, magic of, 211-212 relationships. 285
emot·ionol dogs, 204-205 sexuality, 285
cmotionnl self-discipline, 206 Bia.ck Madonflil, 89
emotions, understanding, 205-206 body image, women ba"ing negarivc, 42-4.)
forgiveness. 209-210
hurtful remarks, not taking personally. 206
lcn ing go of, 208- 2I I c
toxic anger, lening go of, 206-208 Caravan Trails: A Journal for Tribal Oellydancc, 83
archarologicnl evidence, and Great Goddess. 80-81 Carbolic faith and the Virgin Mary, 89
archet)'J>CS ofremalc personality. 21. 57-58 change. being open and willing 10, 195-196
Native American tribes and, 57-58 channing men (Dark Stars). caution regarding, 102-103
shifting nnture of. 58-59 collective unconscious, 34
Volcano Woman nnd. 63 Carl Jung 1111d the. 34. 172
Asteroids (dirwionless men). I08 Comet l\·\en (good men)
author (Barbara Wright i\bernnthy), contncring. 283 characteristics of. l03-1 OS
Azure Blue Eyes (poem). 19 accept inBuence of wornan, 104-105
desire to please. I04
respectful. I 03- 104
B or
supportive partner"s dreams, 105
balnnl'ed and healthy life. living :i, 222-229 dating. 110-.11 3
deciding on priorities. 225-227 housework, helping with, 160
developing feminine power. 223-224 maniage and. 154
Earth Mothers, 223 why drawn to strong women, 157- 161
reclaiming scrcnity, 224-227 >dvanrages nncl disadvantages of'. 160- 161
relaxation and pleasure, finding time for, 228-229 compatibility, 159
Srar Women. 222-223 conflict is low, 160
workaholic, avoiding becoming a, 227 clccision-m;iking is a mutual process, 160
open to women handling finances, 159
complaining about life, changing old beliefs about, 185
consort, viewing inan as, 82-83

c JI/ [!)
£3 llmu,• On 7;'P

D F
Dark Stars (bad guys), caution regarding, 102-103 feelings. being hostage 10. I83
dating. See also rekuionships; marriage. women-let! ferninine power. 289. See also Earth Mothers; Siar Women
absiinencc in early stages of, I 09 celebrity women finding a balance, 73.74
afrer your di\'orce, I 18 defined. 27-28
aitirudc. having the righ1. 97.99 finding a b.tlance, 7J.72. 223-224
Come! 1\>\en, 110-113 future of the world nnd. 276-281
deal-killers, 99-101 in 1he workplace, 51-53
addic11ons, 99- 100 new sexual revolution, 278·28 I
poor fieahh l1'1bit.:;, l 00 new social ol'dcr, 277-278
spiriiual incompatibili1y. 100-101 powerful women. 26.27
developingyoursdr spiri1ually. 120-123 symbol for, 21
lnteme1, meeting pOICOt~1I p.irtners on 1he. 120, 123-125 fcminis1 movemen1, 32-33
kids :incl ex-wives. impac1 of. IOi original goal of. 35
Mamma$ boy, ~u1ion regarding. I 16-1 Ii linances, 285
Metc,0r Men, I 10-110 a11irude about , 218-219
power daring, 108 Eanh Mothers and, 217
1csting men as po1en1ial mnic~. 115-116 cmoiional issue of, 216. 269-270
dclnchmcnl, magic ol', 211-2 I2 inrnme 1axcs, paying. 220.22 1
discovery. dcligb1 of, 198-200 marr·iage and. 267-273
divine purpose money-karma, changing, 219, 235
of being born female. 47 self-employed. 220
of men, 47-48 Siar Women and. 216
ti1hing. 221-222
women raking responsibility for, 215-222
E riorinll, Carly (business lc11dcr). 74
l~ar1h Mot hers. See also Star Women forgening, value of. 197- I 98
considcrnte partner·, wanting u. 105 forgiveness, 209-210
daring Comet Men (good men}. 110-112
feminine powers of, 48--19
finances and, 21i
G
giving n:iture of. 59-60, 67 Galileo. 172-173
initia1ing change, i2-i3 Gimbu1as, ,\larija (archeologi~1), on Great Goddess
leadership and, 61 -62, 68 beliefs. 81. 93
light side of, 63 gi"ing na1ure, leaniing how 10 h•ve a. 229-236
living n balanced, healthy life, 225 dtveloping new beliefs. 234
Native American tribes and, 67-58 lcnrni ng 10 give. 230-232
pcrsona.li1y trai l$ or, 62-68 learning 10 receive, 232-236
se~ and, 131 Cod
shil'ting identities nnJ, 5S-!i9 basic belief in, 168-171
shadow side (Volcano Woman) of. 63-64 connecting wi1h, 196-200
•nd Star Women, 69-70 le3ming to rccci"c by acccp1ing new beliefs abou1. 234. 2.)6
symbol for, 2 J spiritual principles. I69-172
ego using lo release ange.r aml resenlment, 208-210
:1cccp1ing responsibiliry for. 200-202 good men. Sec Comet ,\'\en
beliefs nbout, 182 graritutlc, accep1i11g, 55
hnving large. 229 Creal Goddess
nor being judgmental. 212. 21 ~ bibliograph_v. 284
Emerson, R.'tlph Waldo. 172 curTcnt interest in. S 1-82
emotions decline of, 79-80. 168
emotional dogs, 204-205 l'arl" societies and. 78
emotional self-discipline, 206 Goddess lnanna, 83-87
undersrnnding. 205-206 male dciries replacing, 87-88

El 312 0
 Modern GodJcss
four pillars of, 53-56 L
sexual rites centering on, 90 Law of Attraction (Universal Spiritual Principle), 29-30
mythology of. 82 leadership
names for, 89 accepting role of leader in marriage, 264
new religions controlling women, 88-89 farth Mothers and, 61-62
return of, i6-93 faar Women and. 59-60, 65
sacred pleasul'C and, 90 Lilith (first female crcillcd by Cod), 87-88
timelinc, 77-80 loneliness, changing old beliefs about, 186
wor>hipping, 40-41 love, changing old beliefs about, 187
sn:1ke goddess, 79

H M
l\'ladonna (pop singer), 73, 142
h:ippiness, beliefs about, 184 J\'\amma's boy, caution 1·cgarding mari·ying one, 116-1 Ii
healthy lifo. See balanced and healthy lile marriage, women-led, 155-162. Sec also dating: relation·
help. women asking men for, 4i-48 ships
housewol'k, getting men to share in 1he, 237-250 accepting role of !racier, 26·1
hiring someone lo do, 248-249 assessing 1·elationship, 117- 118
laundry, the arl of folding, 245-246 au imcle adjustments, 273-274
men can learn 10 enjoy. 248 belief's about-. turning old inlo Dew, 188-189
sex as positive reinforcement, 240-242, 246-247, 249-250 conllict, handling, 265
1alking ab-OUI housework issues, 24i-248 emotional upsets kept to a minimum, 265-267
training, 240-248 love and respect for each other, 263-275
men that arcn'1eood candidates for. 242 male point of view on, 156-159
positive and negative reinforcement, 240-242. 246- money mailers
247, 249-250. emotional issue of, 269-270
showing the task, 243-245 financial rest for couples, 270-273
using nice tone of' voice when, 244 taking charge oC 267-269
why necessary to lrain. 238-239 relationship. women having role in defining, 36-37
Houston, Jean, 74 spiri1ual compass, women having role of. 50
trail-blazers, 274-275
values, women developing and bringing, 50
I woman helping husband est·ablish goals, 49-50
lnanna (Goddess), &1-87 mat riarchal society, 90-91
income taxes, paying, 220-221 media images of strong women, 34-36
lnternel. meeting potenlial partners on, 120, 123-125 men. See also Comet Men
interviews with men Asteroids (dirmionlcss men), 108
Alex, 295-300 D;u·k Stars (bad men), l 02-103
Robert. 286-294 deal-kille1·s when d;iting, 99-100
Stephen Abernathy, 301-306 divine purpose of, 47--13
evaluating potential 1>artners, I 01 -108
housework, doing their share of, 237-258
J-K Mc1eor Men, 110-1 11
and sex, 130-154
judgmental. stop being, 212-215
kinky. 150-153
courtesy vs. contempt in dealing with mate, 214 prema111rc ejacularion, 139-J40
menta.1 discipline, using to, 214 submissive streak in, 142. 146, 150- 153, 248-249
price or ltarmony, 214 understanding a man's mind, 239
scrcni1y is alluring, 215
1v\etcor Men, dating, 110-1 11
Jung, Carl (psycho;malyst) mind. power of the, Ii2-l 73
archetypes, 57.58 undcl'Slanding a man's mtnd, 239
collective unconscious, concept· oC 34. 172 Minoan culture, on Cr¢te, i8-79
on l'cspectful men, I 03
Miss Piggy (Mupf"'t}, 74
Killer Woman Blues (DeMott), 35-36 money. See finances
Mothc1· Teresa (spiritual leader). 75
mylhs, power of, li3-175

~ 5 13 0
m Vmu.i 011 Top

Day, Doris (on loving men). 136

N-0 Didion. Joan (on responsibility). 200
Doctor Leon (on women ruling the world). 280
No.ti"e t\mericrul tribes
Douglas, Ca1hlcen (on success), I05
female archetypes and. 57
Dumas, 1\le.xandre. 159
leaders (Rainbow Women). 57, 59, 66
Dyer. Wayne, li9
Srar Women and. 229
Edelman. Marian Wrigh1 (on chn.nging ihc world), 276
Nericcio. Carolyn (presidenl of belly dlnce troupe), 43
Ellis, Alben (on art of lo1·e), 252
orgasms, 138-1 39, 251. See also sex
Emerson. Ralph Wn.ldo
Osbourne. Sharon (wife of Oi:ty Osbourne). 74
on being a 1railbluer, 275
on power of wife. 49
p Friedan. Beuy (on becoming complete). 175
Fromm, Eo-ic (on male/female rcbtionships), 89
patri11rd1al socic1y, 90-91 Gabor, Zsa. Zsa (on marriage), I08
peace. live steps 10. 307 Gibbons. Anne (on housework). 248
personaliry types Gortman, Dr. John
basic types of women. 49-53, 62-69 on co\lrtesy. 214
Female Personality Wheel. 62-63 on hou~work. 246
pleasure, caking time for, 228-229 on successful rdarionship~. 265
sensuous pka.~ure, 255-2S6 on ioilct seal lest. 113-11 5
power plan. seeps 10 develop positive auitude, 19-1-236 on women having influence, I05
anger and resentment, releasing, 204-212 Cray, Dr. John (on men). 136
balanced and healthy life. living a, 222-229 Hepburn. Kaiharine (on responsibili1y). 200
change. be open and willing 10, 195-196 Holmes, Emes1(on though!l), 170. 172
gi'•ing and receiving graciously, 229-236 Holmes Sr.. Oliver Wendell, 112
judgmental. stop being, 212-215 Jesus of Nouareth, 172
responsibility, accepting, 200-204 John.son, Sonia, 280
spirinial foundation, crea1ing a. 196-200 Lao Tzu (on lo\'e), 263
powerful women, 26-27. 40 Leary. Timothy, 14
sexual nature and, 39 Le Guin. Ursula K.. 281
premature ejaculation. 139-1 -10 Llria (on discipline). 242
Princess Diana, ii -72 Madonna (on being tough), 142
priori1ics. deciding on. 225-227 Milllini. Giuseppe (on respecting women). 119
Midler, Berte (on se~). 132
Osbourne, Ozzy (on women), 68
Q Paddldord, Clemenrint (on mponsibili1y). 203
Quotes Philips. Emo (on sexual fantasy). 148
Allen, Woody (l,ln women being in charge), 111 Ray. P:iul 1-L (on changing culture), 278
Anderson, Sheny Ruth (on changing culrure). 278 Rilke. Rainer i\\aria (on lo,·e). 129, 154
Amhony, Susan B. (on being a woman), 193 Rivers, Joan (on housework), 237
As1or, Lidy Nnocy (on marriage). 11 4 Rowland. Helen, 37
Atwood, Margaret Sahl, Mon (on love). 155
on folding laundry, 246 Schroeder, Patricia, 26
on leaders. 65 Small, Jncqueline (on change). 2.56
Aun1ie Mnmc, 54 Steinem. Cloria, 33
Bal:mchine, George. 82 Sutton , Elise, 241
Bnrr, Roseanne (on •good man). 238 Thatcher, Margarer (on leadership). 60
Barry. Dave (on lusting nfrer women), 142 Thomoshauer, Regena. 39. 111
Oolcn. Jean Shinoda (on power of snake). 79 Vanzani, lyanla
Browning, Elizabc1h Barret1 (on love), 151 on freedom, 215
C\ldcrooe. i'v\ary S1cichen (on sex). 146 on guilt, 233
or
C\meron, Julia (power writing). 177 Vos Sa,•anr. Marilyn (on resprct). 104
Chopra, Dcepak (on femin ine power), 26 Washington, Mnr1hn (con1rolling your business), 221
ChurchiU, Winston (on responsibility). 203 Wayne. John. 251
Collin>. Jim (on tr.UUformation), 167 Welch, Raquel (on change). 195
Cooper, Jilly (on training ;1 man) , 239 West, 1'vlne. 138

El 514 0
 _______ 1_n..r:. .1~.\·
:. .:. D
\Wdc, OSClr (on women), 115 prtmatul'\' ejaculation, 139-140
Williams, RrJbin (on sex), 130 pulling rn11n in 1hc "zone", 140-141
Winfrey. Oprah (beginning with Spirii). 192. 196 rules for h..ing s:ui,fying su life, 13-1-149, 250
submissi'-e gexual fantasies of pnrmer, 150-155
R taking charge rhe first 1imc. 1-10-Hl
training men "ith positi\'e and negari\•c r~nforetrnent,
Real Women Don't Do Housework 248 250-253
relationships wi1h men, 285. Sec also d:uing; marriage. treat man like your srx toy. 158
women-led vanilla su, 13.3-134
deal-killers, being linn about, 99-101 woman accepting pleu ul'\', 135-141, 265
fin1111t>ial si111nrio11 n11cl, 10/i- IOCi woman being a rigreu in bed room, 25•1-255
fmding a m;ue, 120-12.i sexual nature
~ids nnd ex-wives. cau1ion rtgarcling, 107 Am•rican's uptight altitude about sex, 132-133
poicntial partners. evalunting. IOl-108 modern culture ,,nd, 39
rel.itrOtUhip hell to rdanonship hu•-. 126-129 new sexual l'\'\'olunon. 278-281
relationship heaven, 129 nurturing sensuous 1ide. 52-53
rel:11ionship hell. 127 sex as religious experience. .j I..f2
relationship limbo. 128-129 woman's power and, 40
relationship purg:itory. 127 single women
soul malc.111rractingyour, 121-126 lwving role in clcfining relationships. 36
spirimally preparing for, 121-123 I urning old belief$ into new beliefs, 181
top 1hree problems women make in, 29-30 snake goddess, 79
n:ligions. Sec also Cn:at CodJess soul mate, n1tmcring your. f 21-126
on• relig;o.-.s con1rolliog nomcn. 88-89 or.
spirit.W truth, principl.. 168-169
spiri1ual rru1h, principle of, 168-169 conceive, belin·e, ~>-e, 171
rcs.nunent. &e anger and rescntmcm Cod isyoursource, 169-170
resoun:u on new though1, 308 law of cause and effcc1, 171
respect. imponancc in a relationship. 103"10-I not """ding 10 know the "how", 170
men showing, 46-47 think a now thought, In. 308
rtsponsibility. accepting. 200-204 thought creates, 170
bemg more conlldent about choices made. 204 you are Spirit, 169
pril'C or power, 20J spirituality, 285
Roddick, Aniu (business le•dcr), 7-l c~ciog spiritual foundanon for your life, 196-200
role models, 30.34 d..'elopi"8 before llnding a male, 120-123
mo1hcr, 31 sc" ilS a rdigious CXp<!ricnce. 41-42
spirimal compatibility when dating, I00-10 I

s ti1hing a.~ way 10 e•prcss, 221-2'..!2

women inking on role ol' spiri111ru compns.s. 50
sacred pl~un:, and the CrcM Co<l<lcst, 90 worshipping the Crent Goddess. 40-41
meni1y. red.Umin~. 22-1-227 Star Women. Sre also Earth Mothers
having a priori; list, 225·227 archetypes of. 57-58, 66-67
fCX. 13().1S.f. 285 Comet Men and, 110.112, 154, 157-161
absuncnce in early stagea of daung. I09 datill!< a1ritude of. 98
church making sinful, 89 nod Eanh Mothers, 69-70
Cl'\'ali,·e lovemaking ideas. 144-1-16 feminine powers of, 51-5.3
decicli ng what's acceptable, I32- 133 i111riacing change, 72-73
fan1asy/role playing during. 147-148 leadership an<l, 59-60, 66
intim~te talk. 2S3 le;irning to give, 230-232
keep )'Our man on his roe~. 257-258 lc.1rning to rocciw. 232-234
kink\'. 146-149 light side of. 63
0

1ittle thinp do m•an a lot. 256-257 fi"i''ll a balanml. hcahhv life, 222-223
maint.iining control of $C~ual l'\'la1ionship. 143-H6 marria.!!c and, 117 '
new scxunl revolu1inn, 278-281 mat•m~I instinct• of, 67-iO
orgasms nml tnoncy. 216
men and. 251 Jl"fSOoality trait5 of. 62-68
woman climn..cs first, 138- 139 m11lsex, 131. 147
shndow side (Cra1,y Woman) of, 63, G4

C ;15 D
la fl.mw 011 T11p

shil'1 ing identities, 58-59

Scar Girls, 229 U-V
symbol for. 21 Univcrs~I Spiritual Principles (Law of 1\uraction), 29-50
inkc charge a1tirudc of. 119 values, women establishing. 50
in the bcclroom, 132, 13•1. 142 Venus on Top (Abernn1hy), order form • .i l7
wanting intluence with partner, L04 VU'gin of Guadalupe, 89
wha1 they need in a man. 115 vision, creacing a, 192-193
Starhawk (au1hor), <>n the C11udess within, 76 \lolc~no Won11111
Strcis11nd. Barbra, 73-74 1>ncl balanced life, 223
success stories, submiuins:, 282 and Earth 1\\01hers, 63-64
Syke" Brian (profcssor),-srudics on human uncesiors, 174 as mother-in-law, caution regarding, 116-117
symbols of feminine principk·s. 21

W-X-Y
T walking, benefit8 of, 46
1es1ing men as po1cn ti~ males Walsch. Ne<1ic Donald, on five steps to peace, 307
shopping mission, I 15-116 \Ves1em cultures
1oile1se<111<'$1, 113-115 mn1rinrchal vs. p.11riarcbal societies. 90-91
Tha1cher, illari,we1, (role model). 30 Williamson. Marianne, 75
quote on lcadersl1ip, 60 Winfrny, Oprnh (role model), 30
timcline of Wcs1em culture, 77-80 accomplishing goals. 192
decline of 1hc Great Goddess, i9-80 b.,lance of E.inh Woman nnd Siar Woman, 73
distorting 1hc Goddess, 87-88 1111dcrsrandi11g 1hc importnncc of Spirit, 196
early anCCSIOI'$, 77-78 womanhood. honoring. 82
Cocldess goc-s undcrgrounJ, 89 wor.ls, power of, 177-179
mn1riarclial vs. p.-itriarchal centered socic1ics, 90.91 chonging ~ha,~or through po.-im"' nffirmarions. 177-1 i9
Minoan culture on Cre1c, 78-79 workaholic lifcsivle, 222-223, 227
si:icnce of ;irch3cology. 80-81 workpl.1ce, fomi~ine powers in 1he, 51-53
woman as cite Great Goddess. 78 yin .ud yang of feminine power, 52, 62
tithing. 221-222
1oile1seat 1cs1, 113-1 15, .309
traMf'ormarion, tools for, 167-191
bi.sic spirilual principles. 169-171
changing olJ beliefs in10 new beliefs, 177
looking al beliefs held , 176-176
spiritual truth, principles of'. l68- 169
U$ing words 10 make posi1ive changes. 177-ISO
Trow.ird. Thomo.s (philosopher). 172

a ;16 a
 WOMEN IN THE DRIVER'S SEAT:
REVOLUTIONARY OR EVOLUTIONARY?

-nee Upon a Time male dominance was necessary for survival.

0 Meo led, women followed. There are men who can accept nothing
but the dominant role. Likewise there are women equipped by
temperament and accomplishments to take the leadership role. And they
need to find male partners who wiU give up the helm without feeling
compromised. Too many powerful women fail to discriminate and end up
with partnei:s who insist on steering. Predictably, the relationship is soon
on the rocks. Why this happens and how to avoid shipwrecking your next
romantic voyage is the subject of Venus On Top.

Venus On Top de~s with the nitty-gritty issues that leave so many women
betwixt and between. Barbara Wright Abernathy presents convincing
evidence 1hat there is no lack of good men who are quite content to enter
into a woman-led relationship without feeling compromised. How does the
powerft.U woman attract such a soul mate? The answer is in your hands.

The fact that Barbara Wright Abernathy finally graduated into the arms of
a man who celebrates her strengths provides the inspiration for this book
and provides a roadmap to speed you on your way.

If that isn't enough, Venus On Top also answers these questions:

• rs strength a weakness for single women?
• Can Mars ever be aligned with Venus'?
• Are you a Star Woman or an Earth Mother?
• Ts a woman-led marriage a sign of tJ1e limes?
• Do powerful women make better sex partners?

ISBN 1-886939-66-7

A. OAKHlLL PRESS
~ Winchester, Virginia
0-...-K,-m-1l'Rl!Sl
- -s www:oakh i I Ipress.corn
JH~HJ~ll l~ 11~1~1~1ilf1