Disenchanted Script

DISENCHANTED!
BOOK, MUSIC & LYRICS BY

DENNIS T. GIACINO
DEVELOPED WITH
FIELY MATIAS
SHOW PERUSAL
02/18/20
Disenchanted!
Copyright © 2006 - 2020 by Dennis T. Giacino
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
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Copyright Basics
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Disenchanted!
Vocal Ranges
nœ #œ #œ
SNOW WHITE CINDERELLA SLEEPING BEAUTY
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& & &
nœ nœ bœ
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nœ
BELLE HUA MULAN THE LITTLE MERMAID
#œ
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nœ
& & &
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nœ nœ
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nœ
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THE PRINCESS WHO
#œ
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POCAHONTAS RAPUNZEL KISSED THE FROG
#œ
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& & nœ &
nœ D
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nœ #œ
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PRINCESS
nœ
BADROULBADOUR
&
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‘DISENCHANTED!’
CAST BREAKDOWN
Women of all shapes, sizes and ethnicities. Ages may range from early 20s - late 60s+.
These women are not the Disney princesses! They are the women from the original fairy
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tales based on Grimm, Perrault, de Villeneuve, historic accounts, and legend with a
healthy dose of modern-day, strong, independent woman mixed in. No exploitative or
frilly Disney costumes.
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Chorus: You may not cast men in any of the 10 major roles in ‘Disenchanted!’ though a
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chorus of unnamed, non-speaking, non-specific princesses and princes may be added.
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The members of the chorus may only sing in group numbers and are not permitted to have
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dialogue nor sing solos. The chorus must be referred to as ‘The Royal Court’ in the
program and must not be based on any existing public domain or copyright-protected
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character from any medium (i.e., storybook, fairy tale, film, radio, television, internet, etc.).
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SNOW WHITE
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Brassy, sassy and self-assured. She is the leader of the Princess pack who likes to be in
control. Equal parts serious-minded and fun-loving. With her skin as white as snow and
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lips cherry red, she aspires to be perfect in all that she does, but soon realizes that being
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perfectly ‘you’ is more important.

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CINDERELLA
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Perky and quirky, slightly ditzy and impish. She is always enthusiastic, especially when it
comes to being a real-life princess. A happy-go-lucky girl who is about to discover that
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there’s more to being a princess than gowns and glass slippers. CINDERELLA is the
character who grows the most throughout the musical.
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SLEEPING BEAUTY
The perfect comic foil to Snow White’s perfect ‘straight-man.’ Always the cut-up, she
brings a flippant unpredictability to the evening’s festivities. She’s a comical bull in a china
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shop. Some would prefer she fit into the stereotype of a perfect princess, but she’d rather
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break the mold and be perfectly herself.

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BELLE
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A smart, witty French girl from classic lit who speaks and sings with an American accent.
She has been driven crazy by the misrepresentation of her image in today’s pop culture.
An insane woman who finds herself speaking with inanimate objects and cleaning up after
her beast of a husband.
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HUA MULAN
Asian, yet Americanized, gentle yet strong, shy yet out-going. She is respectful of her
culture, yet a walking dichotomy of masculinity and femininity seeking self-acceptance in
a world that would have her choose one or the other.
THE LITTLE MERMAID

An innocent, obedient young woman turned rebellious and jaded. She has given up
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everything--her father, her fin, even her voice--just to net a man. She can only move
forward with baby steps--one wobbly foot in front of the other.
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POCAHONTAS
The ultimate exploited girl who is a bizarre blend of the innocent little Powhatan tyke
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from history and the pin-up girl from today’s pop princess culture. Her journey takes her
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back to her authentic, historically significant self.
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THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG
Forgotten and left out of the kingdom for many years, this empowered African-American
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woman has now arrived on the scene as a feisty, fabulous storybook princess! She is the
ultimate supreme diva in the land and she’s ready to take the world by storm!
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RAPUNZEL
A strong German v’oman with a domineering personality, a big mole on her cheek, and a
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bushy unibrow! American capitalism won’t turn this Mel Brooksian, Wagnerian singing
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monster into a frail, sheltered damsel in distress. No, she is bent on getting her fair share.
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PRINCESS BADROULBADOUR
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The spunky princess from the Middle Eastern-South Asian Aladdin sagas. She’s had it up
to her veils with being secondary in her own tale. She is unhappy with the misogyny and
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oppression of women in her stories (and in today’s world) but getting even puts a little
‘swing’ in her step!
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CHARACTER TRACKS
It is suggested that a full cast of 10 women are used to portray the 10 different characters.
If not using a full cast, the show may be performed as written by a 6-woman cast with the
following tracks:
Track 1 - Snow White
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Track 2 - Cinderella
Track 3 - Sleeping Beauty
Track 4 - Belle, The Little Mermaid, Rapunzel
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Track 5 - Hua Mulan, Pocahontas, Princess Badroulbadour
Track 6 - The Princess Who Kissed The Frog
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‘Disenchanted!’ is written to celebrate and represent ethnic diversity (as well as diversity
in shape, size, age, etc.). Keep this in mind when casting.
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*The voice of the Announcer may be live or recorded and may be voiced by any gender.
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BAND
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The DISENCHANTED! band/combo consists of three instruments:

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Piano/Keyboard
Electric Bass
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Drum – Full kit w/SFX sampling pad

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*’Disenchanted!’ may be performed with piano only.

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INTERMISSION/INTERVAL
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‘DISENCHANTED!’ is performed with one fifteen-minute intermission/interval.

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DISENCHANTED! - AUTHOR’S NOTE
Welcome to the kingdom of ‘DISENCHANTED!’ princesses. These wonderfully

empowered and funny women have come together in a vaudeville-variety show to tell the
truth about living happily ever after. Together, with the brassy and all-powerful SNOW
WHITE at the lead, this band of royal renegades storm the proverbial castle, all the while
hilariously poking holes in the age-old tenets of The Princess Complex (The PC).
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The Princess Complex, as exemplified by CINDERELLA at the beginning of the show, is
that tired old notion that a woman is only valid and desirable if she is a ditzy, insecure,
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Bambi-like waif; a helpless damsel in distress who does nothing more than sit around and
wait for her prince to come. The PC is the antagonist of ‘DISENCHANTED!’ - the ‘big bad’
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that the women speak out against through song, dance and comedy skits in the hopes that
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they can dispel its power.
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CINDERELLA, a true believer in everything princessy, begins the show as a fun-loving yet
dim-bulb of a girl but as she listens to each princess’ story, finds the power to literally toss
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aside her glass slippers and grow independent of her prince (see ‘All I Wanna Do Is Eat’).
POCAHONTAS plays a little game on us in her 3-song arc. We first meet her as a baby-
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doll voiced, Marilyn Monroe type, silly and gamine, only to have her turn the tables on the
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audience, reminding them that, despite the sexploitation put forth in cinema, she was
actually a ten-year old tomboy who most likely never kissed John Smith.
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Beneath the comedy, slapstick, and broad farce that plays out in the ‘DISENCHANTED!’
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vaudeville, there is a very important conversation taking place between the princesses and
the audience throughout the show. There is no fourth wall as the princesses regale the
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crowd with their not-so-happily ever afters.

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The results, sadly, are not always salvation and freedom from The PC. The PC has caused
BELLE to go hysterically and yet irreparably ‘Insane’ and THE LITTLE MERMAID
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despairs after realizing she gave up everything she loved just to net a man.
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Many of the princesses fair better, of course: THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG
celebrates the arrival of the long-awaited, and terribly over-looked, princess of color while
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PRINCESS BADROULBADOUR bucks the misogynistic treatment of women overseas.

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HUA MULAN learns the power of self-acceptance while RAPUNZEL sings out against the
greed of Hollywood...and wins!
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SNOW WHITE (the perfect princess) and SLEEPING BEAUTY (seemingly not as princess-
like) tussle over the idea of being fairytale-princess acceptable.
They are all strong women who put forth the idea that a princess comes in many different
forms, and that loving who you are is truly living happily ever after. As SLEEPING
BEAUTY sings, “I’m perfect just the way that I am!”
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Always keep in mind that ‘DISENCHANTED!’ is a musical-comedy first. Play the
comedy on top and let the drama, the darker subtext in the show, speak for itself. The
show tackles big issues such as body image, racism, sexual identity, the rampant misogyny
in entertainment (the whole reason the show is played against the backdrop of a
vaudeville/variety show). It’s best to let these hot button topics catch the audience by
surprise. The messages in the show play more powerfully when discovered beneath the
comedy. This ain’t a drama, folks!
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Enjoy! Princesses unite!
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Dennis T. Giacino (Book, Music, Lyrics)
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’DISENCHANTED!’
Characters, Musical Numbers, and Pages
ACT I
#1 One More Happ’ly Ever After………………………………………………9
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(Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty)
#2 Insane!...............................................................................................................20
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(Belle, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty)
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#3 Cinderella’s Strut #1.......................................................................................25
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(Underscore)
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#4 Without The Guy............................................................................................26
(Hua Mulan)
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Perfect 1st Attempt.........................................................................................29
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(Underscore)
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#6 Two Legs..........................................................................................................30
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(The Little Mermaid, Cinderella, Snow White)

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#7 Pocahontas’s Theme.......................................................................................37
(Underscore)
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#8 Big Tits..............................................................................................................39
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(Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Pocahontas)

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#8 ALTERNATE For The Rest Of Our Lives..................................................46

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(Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Pocahontas)
#9 Honestly...........................................................................................................49
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(Pocahontas)
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#10 Perfect 2nd Attempt........................................................................................51

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(Underscore)
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#11 Finally................................................................................................................54
(Snow White, Cinderella, The Princess Who Kissed The Frog,
Hua Mulan, The Little Mermaid)
#12 Intermission......................................................................................................60
(Underscore)
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ACT II
#13 Entr’acte/Finally (Reprise)..........................................................................61

(Instrumental)
#14 Not Vone Red Cent.......................................................................................62

(Rapunzel, Snow White, Cinderella)
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#15 Secondary Princess........................................................................................72
(Princess Badroulbadour)
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#16 Cinderella’s Strut #2......................................................................................74
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(Underscore)
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#17 All I Wanna Do Is Eat....................................................................................75
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(Cinderella, Snow White, The Little Mermaid,
The Princess Who Kissed The Frog,
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Hua Mulan, Sleeping Beauty)
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#18 Cinderella & Hua Mulan...............................................................................83
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(Underscore)
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#19 A Happy Tune?...............................................................................................83

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(Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty)

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#20 Perfect................................................................................................................91
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(Sleeping Beauty, The Little Mermaid,

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Cinderella, Hua Mulan, Snow White)

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#20a OMFG/Snow White’s Rimshot.....................................................................95

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(Underscore)
#21 Once Upon A Time..........................................................................................96

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(Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella,

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The Little Mermaid, Hua Mulan)
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#22 Bows/One More Happ’ly Ever After (Reprise)..........................................99

(Company)
#23 Exit Music/Perfect (Reprise) .....................................................................100

(Instrumental)
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’DISENCHANTED!’
ACT I
SCENE--THIS THEATER
TIME--NOW (FOR THE NEXT 115 MINUTES)
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(at rise, houselights and stage pre-set...the stage is
adorned with all the trappings of a variety show...
woman-empowering pre-show music fills the
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theater...at curtain, the pre-show music fades)
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ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
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Welcome to the (name of theater). Before our show begins, we ask that you please silence all
cell phones and mobile devices. Photography and audio recording of any kind during the
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performance is strictly prohibited. And now...
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(drum roll; tremolo)
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From lands far, far away and long ago...live, on this stage, brought to you by The Princess
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Complex...here they are, your hosts for ‘DISENCHANTED!’ Please welcome Snow White,
Cinderella, and Sleeping Beauty!
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(THREE WOMEN are revealed, standing in fog...each of the WOMEN hold a book
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as if reading a story)
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#1 ONE MORE HAPP’LY EVER AFTER

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SNOW WHITE
(reading from a book with an apple on the cover)
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And with one kiss from the handsome prince, Snow White opened her eyes. She instantly
fell in love with the prince and soon after...
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(chord from the BAND)

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...they were married.

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CINDERELLA
(reading from a book with a glass slipper on the cover)
The prince placed a glass slipper on Cinderella’s foot. The slipper fit perfectly. She
instantly fell in love with the prince and soon after...
(chord from the BAND)
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CINDERELLA (CONT’D)
SLEEPING BEAUTY
(reading from a book with a spinning wheel on the cover)
Sleeping Beauty was kissed by a very handsome prince and she awoke from a hundred-
year sleep. She instantly fell in love with the prince and soon after...
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(a glazed, frightened look washes over her face)
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SNOW WHITE
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And they lived...
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ALL THREE
Happily ever after.
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SNOW WHITE
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Well...
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ALL THREE
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Not exactly.
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SNOW WHITE
(to BAND)
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Hit it!
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SKIN AS WHITE AS SNOW

LIPS CHERRY RED
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A MILLION DOLLAR CROWN WITH SHINY JEWELS

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SITS ON MY PRETTY, LITTLE HEAD
A CASTLE ON A HILL
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A HANDSOME PRINCE FOR KISSING

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THERE’S NOTHING THAT’S GONE MISSING

FROM THE FAIRY TALES YOU’VE READ
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(SNOW WHITE holds the note incredibly long...as SNOW WHITE

takes a breath, CINDERELLA attempts to sing…riffing)
READ
(one more vocal riff from SNOW WHITE interrupting

CINDERELLA’S attempt to begin her part of the song)
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SNOW WHITE (CONT’D)
READ
(CINDERELLA waits, not knowing if SNOW WHITE

is done riffing)
Go.
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CINDERELLA
I OWN BALL GOWNS MADE OF TAFFETA AND SILK
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HAIR, YELLOW AS THE DAFFODIL
SKIN, PURE AND SMOOTH AS MILK
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SLEEPING BEAUTY
I DREAM OF NEVER-ENDING YOUTH
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NO WRINKLES AND NO LINES
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Would you wake up?
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SNOW WHITE
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‘CAUSE IT’S TIME WE TOLD THE WORLD THE TRUTH
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ALL THREE
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THAT ALL THOSE FILMS AND FAIRY TALES

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ARE DRIVING US OUT OF OUR
FREAKIN’ PRINCESS MINDS
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SNOW WHITE
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AND...JUST
ONE MORE MOMENT LIVING HAPP’LY EVER AFTER SEEMS EXTREME
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ONE MORE WHISTLE WHILE I WORK AND I’M SIMPLY GONNA SCREAM
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CINDERELLA
ONE MORE PUMPKIN TURNED TO HORSE AND CARRIAGE
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SNOW WHITE
(indicating CINDERELLA)
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JUST ONE MORE CHERRY THAT’S INTACT ’TIL MARRIAGE

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SLEEPING BEAUTY
ONE MORE DAMSEL IN DISTRESS
ALL THREE
AND WE’RE GONNA CLIMB THOSE STAIRS UP TO THE TOWER
AND UPON THE MIDNIGHT HOUR
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ALL THREE (CONT’D)
WE’LL BREATHE IN OUR FINAL BREATHS
AND TAKE A SWAN DIVE TO OUR DEATHS
SNOW WHITE
NOW, SOME BELIEVE THAT ALL WE CRAVE IS DIAMOND RINGS
WELL, TONIGHT (TODAY) I’M HERE TO TELL YOU WE WANT MORE
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CINDERELLA
WE’D LIKE FEATURE FILMS AND FAIRY TALES
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SLEEPING BEAUTY
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To feature more than girls with veils
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SNOW WHITE
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WHO RIDE OFF WITH SOME GUY THEY MET ONE PAGE BEFORE
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WE’RE MORE THAN
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CINDERELLA & SLEEPING BEAUTY
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ALL THREE
LADIES-IN-WAITING
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WAITING FOR THE NEXT SOIREE

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CINDERELLA
OR GARDEN PARTY ON THE ROYAL LAWN
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SLEEPING BEAUTY
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What a yawn!
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SNOW WHITE
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ALL US CHICKS
CINDERELLA
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FROM PRINCESS FLICKS

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HAVE SOMETHING MORE TO SAY

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SNOW WHITE
Than “Help!”
SLEEPING BEAUTY
“Eek!”
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CINDERELLA
And “Where’s the ball?”
ALL THREE
WE’RE TIRED OF THAT OL’ TIRED CLICHE
SNOW WHITE
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AND...JUST
ONE MORE ONCE UPON A TIME
AND I SWEAR I’LL GO INSANE
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SLEEPING BEAUTY
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Atta girl!
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CINDERELLA
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ONE MORE SLIPPER MADE OF GLASS
AND I SWEAR I’LL POP A VEIN
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SNOW WHITE
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ONE MORE PRINCE WHO THINKS HE’S CUTE AND CHARMING
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SLEEPING BEAUTY
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WHO SLIPS ME THE TONGUE WHILE I’M ASLEEP

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...it’s alarming!
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CINDERELLA
ONE MORE GUY WITH PERFECT HAIR
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ALL THREE
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AND OFF WE GO OUT TO THE DRAWBRIDGE FOR A LEAP

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WHEN ALL THE GUARDS ARE FAST ASLEEP

AND SINCE WE CANNOT SWIM OR FLOAT
THEY’LL FIND US FACE DOWN IN THE MOAT
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(BAND - Vamp #1)

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SNOW WHITE
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Good evening (afternoon), everyone! I am Snow White! And me and the girls
here...Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty...

Hey!
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SNOW WHITE
...are so glad you could join us for our little musical tea party.

Uh-huh!
SNOW WHITE
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Of course, the tea may be slightly bitter this evening (afternoon).
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(mysteriously)
Ooooooooo...
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(BAND segues to Vamp #2...darker)
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SNOW WHITE
You see, we princesses from the original fairy tales are none too happy with the way all
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“realistic” theme park shows portray us.
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those “magical” storybooks and “classic” animated movies, not to mention all those
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SLEEPING BEAUTY
They make us look weak!
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CINDERELLA
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Like helpless damsels in distress!
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SNOW WHITE
Who do nothing more than sit around and wait for their prince to come.
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(she snaps her fingers...music stops)

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Look at me. Do I look like I need to wait for my prince...
(beat)
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...to come?
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(SNOW WHITE snaps her fingers...music returns...Vamp #3 begins)

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Needless to say, we couldn’t just sit on the shelves any longer and let our names continue
to be used worldwide to roll out this ...
ALL THREE
...evil message!
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SNOW WHITE
So, with the help of this one’s fairy godmother...
(CINDERELLA waves to the AUDIENCE)
...we decided to bippity-boppity bust out...
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(SNOW WHITE snaps her fingers...music stops)
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A little “princess show” of our own!
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(big downbeat #1...SNOW WHITE poses)
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SLEEPING BEAUTY
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A royal vaudeville, if you will!
TI
in
(big downbeats #2 and #3...she poses on both downbeats)
s
C
CINDERELLA
en
U
A spellbinding variety hour!
D
c
(big downbeats #4, #5, #6...she throws three poses—

Li
one on each downbeat)

O
SLEEPING BEAUTY
PR
ay
A musical extravaganza!
dw
(SLEEPING BEAUTY bumps and grinds wildly to the drumbeat)

R
SNOW WHITE
FO
oa
(growing impatient)
STOP IT!
Br
(SNOW WHITE smiles as she strikes a ‘perfect-princess-hands’

T
pose...she insists, with a glare, that SLEEPING BEAUTY imitate

her...SLEEPING BEAUTYdoes so, albeit uncomfortably)
O
N
As I was saying...
(SNOW WHITE snaps her fingers...music returns...Vamp #4 begins)
We’ve put together an all-star revue in which we princesses will actually tell you...the
truth. And we’re going to do it right here.
15
CINDERELLA
In this theater!
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Tonight! (Today!)
SNOW WHITE
l
sa
But time is short, my people. We only have until the clock strikes...
CINDERELLA
ru
Nine-twenty-five!
Pe
(*Note: The time reference here is 1:55 minutes after scheduled
N
curtain time. 7:30 pm=9:25 pm; 8:00 pm=9:55 pm; 2:00 pm
matinee curtain=3:55 pm; 3:00 pm matinee curtain=4:55 pm)
O
g
SNOW WHITE
TI
Nine-twenty-five? What happened to midnight?
s in
C
CINDERELLA
en
U
(Evening curtain) Well, nobody wants to sit here ’til midnight. So, I figured you could turn
this mother out in about an hour-and-a-half, which, by theatre law, requires one fifteen-
D
c
minute intermission, but I called in a favor and asked my fairy godmother to give you an
Li
extra ten on top of that...

O
(Matinee curtain) Well, it’s a matinee. Nobody wants to sit here ’til midnight. So, I figured
PR
ay
you could turn this mother out in an about hour-and-a-half, which, by theatre law,
requires one fifteen-minute intermission, but I called in a favor and asked my fairy
dw
godmother to give you an extra ten on top of that...

R
(beat as SNOW WHITE glares at CINDERELLA...CINDERELLA,

FO
oa
with a big smile, to SNOW WHITE)
You’re welcome.
Br
(beat…she boops SNOW WHITE’s nose)

O
SNOW WHITE
N
(exasperated)
Okay, then. Nine-twenty-five it is.
(to AUDIENCE)
Well, I guess we better get right to telling you how happily ever after we really are.
Because...
16
(she cues a drum roll)
Let’s face it. Happily ever after...can be a royal pain in the ass!
(the song briefly turns into a bump-and-grind)
l
sa
AND...JUST
ONE MORE FRIENDLY WOODLAND CREA-CHAH
SMILES AT ME
ru
AND I’LL BE PISSED
Pe
N
AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
O
g
CINDERELLA
ONE MORE GROUP OF MICE WHO SEW AND IRON CLOTHES
TI
I’LL SLIT MY WRIST
s in
C
SNOW WHITE & SLEEPING BEAUTY
en
U
AND BLEED ALL OVER THE CASTLE
D
c
SNOW WHITE
Li
ONE MORE BANQUET IN THE HALL, I’M LEAVING

O
CINDERELLA
PR
ay
JUST ONE MORE WALTZ AROUND THE BALL, I’LL BE HEAVING

dw
SNOW WHITE
ONE MORE RIDE UPON HIS STEED
R
FO
oa

AH HA HA HA
Br
SLEEPING BEAUTY
T
ONE MORE
O
...prick
N
THAT MAKES ME BLEED
SNOW WHITE & CINDERELLA

AH HA HA HA
17
SNOW WHITE
ONE MORE DAY IS ALL WE
SNOW WHITE SLEEPING BEAUTY

NEED ONE MORE DAY IS ALL WE
SLEEPING BEAUTY CINDERELLA
l
sa
NEED ONE MORE DAY IS ALL WE
NEED
ru
ALL THREE
BEFORE THESE HAPPY EVER AFTERS
Pe
HAVE US SWINGING FROM THE RAFTERS
N
HOW MUCH MORE CAN WE GIRLS TAKE
BEFORE OUR NECKS WE GLADLY SNAP AND BREAK
O
g
SNOW WHITE
TI
OH
s in
(mocking a weak, damsel in distress)
C
en
U
ALL THREE
WHAT’S A GIRL TO DO?
D
c
Li
(SNOW WHITE gets an idea)

O
SNOW WHITE
PR
ay
WE’LL STEAL THE HORSES FROM THE STABLE

TROT AS FAST AS WE ARE ABLE
dw
CINDERELLA
R
THROUGH THE FOREST WITH THE NOTION

FO
oa
THAT WE’LL RIDE UP TO THE OCEAN
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Br
WHERE WE’LL TAKE OUR FINAL WHIFF

T
AS WE THREE GALLOP OFF A CLIFF

O
SNOW WHITE
N
AND AS WE PLUNGE INTO THE SEAS

WE’LL CHANNEL THELMA AND LOUISE
ALL THREE
THEN SURELY EV’RYONE WILL SEE
THAT WE’LL DIE EVER HAPPILY
KNOWING THAT
18
ALL THREE (CONT’D)
(all three, in unison, take a huge, comical, deep breath)
WE’LL
FINALLY
BE
l
sa
SNOW WHITE
(a la Effie in Dreamgirls)
FREE
ru
Pe
FREE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE
N
SLEEPING BEAUTY
O
g
FRE...
TI
in
(a big, sleepy yawn interrupts her note)
s
C
en
U
SOMEONE KILL ME, PLEASE
D
c
(final pose...SNOW WHITE dismisses SLEEPING

Li
BEAUTY and CINDERELLA…CINDERELLA exits.)

O
SNOW WHITE
PR
ay
Now, we’re not the only princesses who’ve got a bone to pick with, among others, our ol’
buddy Walt.
dw
(SLEEPING BEAUTY stops to listen to SNOW WHITE)

R
FO
oa
No, there’s a whole slew of us ready to go all Norma Rae on his ass!
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Br
Yaaaaaa! Norma Rae! All over his ass!

T
(continuing on)
O
We’re gonna rip Steamboat Willie a new one!

N
(beat)
I’m gonna go.
(she exits)
19
SNOW WHITE
And we’ve come together tonight (today) because...well, folks, let’s talk turkey, shall we?
We’ve all fallen prey to The Princess Complex. You know, that age-old idea in which
you’re only desirable and valid if you are a beauty-obsessed, ditzy, insecure, Bambi-like
waif.
CINDERELLA
l
sa
(popping her head in from offstage)
Hello!
ru
(she picks up the book she left behind...beat...pointing to the book)
Pe
Book.
N
(CINDERELLA giggles and exits)
O
g
SNOW WHITE
TI
Yes...The Princess Complex.
s in
C
(getting back on track)
en
U
Which, by the way, has some hella-terrible side effects. Take, for instance, my good friend,
Belle.
D
c
Li
O
#2 INSANE!
PR
ay
(BELLE appears on a throne, tied up in her apron strings...

her hair is mussed and her make-up is a mess, lipstick everywhere)
dw

Now, Belle here, hasn’t been feeling quite like herself lately...but she insisted on sharing
FO
oa
her happily-ever-after with all of you in the hopes that the truth will help her overcome
her tussle with The Princess Complex.
Br
BELLE
T
(with an American accent...all in one breath)

O
My name is Belle and I’m from a small provincial town in the north of France and yet I
speak with an American accent.
N
(beat)
And I don’t know why.
SNOW WHITE
(with great reservation)
Ladies and gentlemen...it’s Belle.
20
(SNOW WHITE exits...woodblock...the ticking sound
frightens BELLE)
BELLE
Do you hear that?
THAT’S THE CLOCK UPON THE MANTLE
l
sa
AND HE TALKS ABOUT TIMELY THINGS
I’VE A TEAPOT IN MY KITCHEN
WHO WHISTLES, AND WALKS, AND SINGS
ru
HAVE YOU MET MY CANDELABRA
Pe
WITH ALL HIS “LIBERACE-INGS"
N
THIS IS NOT THE WAY MY STORY USED TO BE
O
g
NOW EV’RYTHING AROUND ME CHATTERS
AND JUST LOVES TO CHEW THE FAT
TI
AND THAT LITTLE CHIPPED CUP
JUST WON’T SHUT UP
s in
C
HOW LOONEY TUNES IS THAT
en
U
D
c
AND SOME OF THEM SOUND BRIT

Li
AND SOME SPEAK EN FRANCAIS

O
I FIND THAT I’M TRAPPED IN A FAIRY TALE
DONE THE
PR
ay
(maniacal)
dw
DISNEY
R
(pretty again)
FO
oa
WAY
AND I CAN’T HELP BUT THINK

Br
THIS...IS...INSANE
T
What the hell?!

O
N
HAS MICKEY LOST HIS MIND

THIS IS SO LAME
THAT A MOUSE COULD BE
SO DAMN UNKIND
TO A GIRL FROM CLASSIC LIT
WHO BABBLES ON NOW LIKE A TWIT
21
BELLE (CONT’D)
WITH POTTERY, FURNITURE, CARPETING
GOD
...this is shit!
AND IT’S DRIVING ME INSANE
l
sa
(enter CINDERELLA, dressed as a giant fork and SLEEPING
BEAUTY, as a giant spoon, spoofing Broadway’s Beauty and
ru
The Beast)
Pe
N
INSANE
AH-AH-AH
O
g
BELLE
TI
THE FLATWARE OFTEN GREETS ME
LIKE SOME HEAVENLY KITCHEN CHOIR
s in
C
en
U
AHH-AHH
D
c
Li
BELLE
O
I JUST TOOK A STROLL
WITH THE CASSEROLE
PR
ay
HAD A CHAT WITH THE DEEP FAT FRYER

dw
BELLE CINDERELLA & SLEEPING BEAUTY

AND THE AHH
R
FORK AND SPOON LIKE OOO

FO
oa
TO DANCE AND CROON OOO OOO

‘ROUND THE DINING ROOM OOO OOO
I’M NO LIAR OOOOOO
Br
BELLE
I’D LIKE TO TAKE THAT MOVIE
O
AND SET IT ON FIRE

N
‘CAUSE IT’S DRIVING ME INSANE
Can’t you see?

This tale as old as time
WENT STRAIGHT DOWN THE DRA-AI-AI-AIN

NOW MY LIFE HAS NO REASON OR RHYME
22
BELLE (CONT’D)
WHEN I EAT
I GET STRESSED
I JUST SIT AT THE TABLE
I’M SO DEPRESSED
‘CAUSE I’M SCARED
THAT THE DISHES WILL BREAK INTO
l
sa
Be...Our...
ru
BELLE
Pe
(as if screaming in pain...cutting them off)
N
Aaaaaaaaa-aaand
O
g
IT’S DRIVING ME INSANE
TI
INSANE
s in
C
AH-AH-AH
en
U
BELLE
D
c
NOW I
Li
WANNA CRY
O
THIS IS SO WACKY
PR
ay

WACKY, WACKY
dw
BELLE
R
I HAVEN’T ALWAYS BEEN THIS WAY

FO
oa
(lilting...a la Skeeter Davis in End of the World)

Br
But then my tale went awry

T
And slightly off tracky

O

N
TRACKY, TRACKY
BELLE
WHEN I WENT FROM SMART, WITTY FRENCH GIRL
TO ONE WHO HAS DEEP CONVERSATIONS WITH HER BIDET
And trust me...talking to inanimate objects is the least of my worries!
23
BELLE (CONT’D)
LET’S TALK INSANE

CUCKOO
BELLE
l
sa
DOES ANYONE ELSE THINK IT’S STRANGE
THAT MY PAIN
ru
AH-AH-AH
Pe
N
BELLE
COMES FROM DATING A GUY
O
g
...who’s got mange?
TI
in
HERE’S THE DIRT, HERE’S THE SCOOP
s
C
I’M THE GIRL WHO PICKS UP HER HUSBAND’S POOP
en
U
(beat as CINDERELLA and SLEEPING BEAUTY react
D
c
to BELLE’s admission)
Li
O
HOW MUCH LOWER CAN THEY MAKE THIS CHARACTER STOOP
THIS IS DRIVING ME INSANE
PR
ay

dw
IN-INSANE
R
BELLE
FO
oa
I’VE GOTTA FACE REALITY

I’M INSANE
Br

T
IN-INSANE
O
BELLE
N
BEAUTY’S GONE BEASTIALITY

I’M INSANE

IN-INSANE
24
BELLE
OO-OO-OO-OO
I’M INSANE
SLEEPING BEAUTY
INSANE
l
sa
CINDERELLA
INSANE
ru
BELLE
OOOH
Pe
N
(final pose...CINDERELLA and SLEEPING BEAUTY exit)
O
g
(TAG: realizing that she’s been left alone on stage, BELLE
begins to roll herself off stage backwards a la a truck backing up)
TI
s in
BELLE
C
Beep, beep, beep...
en
U
(she exits)
D
c
Li
O
#3 CINDERELLA’S STRUT #1 (UNDERSCORE)
PR
ay
(CINDERELLA enters holding a placard with the words

“AND NOW” printed on it...she struts...she flips the placard
dw
and it reads, “MU”...it’s clear that she hasn’t finished the sign...
R
she has an idea...she pulls a magic marker out of her dress,

removes the cap, and, while continuing to display the placard to the
FO
oa
AUDIENCE, proceeds to finish MULAN’s name, muttering

each letter as she goes)
Br
CINDERELLA
T
L...A...
O
(beat...she hasn’t left room for the “N”...she thinks for a

moment and then squeezes in a tiny, lower case “n”)
N
n.
(with a sudden bit of mischief)
And a fortune cookie. (or “And a cricket.” or “And the Great Wall.”)
(she draws it around HUA MULAN’s name, still presenting

the placard to the AUDIENCE)
25
MOOOOOOOO - LAAAAAN!
(she smiles and struts offstage...hi-hat on CINDERELLA’s exit…

HUA MULAN is revealed...SLEEPING BEAUTY is standing
beside her, holding a small banged up gong with a stick...she hits
l
sa
the gong...HUA MULAN winces at the thin, tinny sound...
SLEEPING BEAUTY smiles…exits)
ru
#4 WITHOUT THE GUY
Pe
N
HUA MULAN
ASIAN GIRLS ARE PRETTY
O
g
WITH THOSE BLOSSOMS IN THEIR HAIR
TI
SO BEAUTIFUL AND DUTIFUL
AND VIRGINAL
s in
C
en
I swear.
U
SERVING UP A
D
c
‘NOTHER CUPPA
Li
TEA WITH LOVING CARE

O
DONE THAT, BEEN THERE
PR
BUT I AM NO ONE’S GEISHA

ay
‘Cause that’s Japanese.

dw
(beat)
FO
oa
I’M THE PAINTED WHORE

OF CHINESE LORE
WHO WENT TO WAR
Br
AND SAVED THE DAY

T
O
YES, I DITCHED MY FAN

DRESSED LIKE A MAN
N
WELL, THAT’S HOW I’M PORTRAYED
HEY
I WONDER WHY
I DIDN’T GET THE GUY
26
HUA MULAN (CONT’D)
THEN IT OCCURRED TO ME
THAT I JUST...MIGHT...BE
LESBIAN
I MIGHT BE LESBIAN
l
sa
I CUT MY BANGS
LIKE KD LANG’S
NOW I’M A FLANNEL SHIRT SHY
ru
OF BEING LESBIAN
LESBIAN
Pe
N
AND I’D BE TELLING A LIE, IF I HADN’T THOUGHT
THAT MAYBE THAT’S WHY
O
g
I’M THE ONLY PRINCESS HERE
WITHOUT THE GUY
TI
in
HISTORY AND FAIRY TALES WOULD HAVE YOU THINK
s
C
THERE’S ONLY ONE WAY FOR A PRINCESS TO GET BY
en
U
BE SUPER CUTE, EAT POISONED FRUIT, FALL COMATOSE
D
c
’TIL SOME MAN ON A WHITE HORSE

Li
HAPPENS TO HAPPEN BY
O
AND THEN YOU’RE FLYING HIGH
‘CAUSE YOU THINK YOU NEED A GUY
PR
ay
OR ELSE YOU MIGHT JUST DIE

dw
WELL, NOT EV’RY GIRL

IS GOWNS AND CURLS
R
GOD KNOWS WE’VE TRIED

FO
oa
FOR SOME OF US
THAT OL’ GRIMM BUS
JUST UP AND PASSED US BY
Br
BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN

WE DON’T HAVE DREAMS
O
OF DAMSELS IN DISTRESS
N
IT SIMPLY MEANS
THOSE SCREAMING GIRLS
GET SAVED BY SOMEONE IN A DRESS
(beat...she ponders a thought…then, matter-of-factly)
Yeah...I might be a lesbian.
27
HUA MULAN (CONT’D)
(beat)
I mean, I watch ESPN.
I WEAR FLATS
HAVE LOTS OF CATS
l
sa
NOW IT CAN’T BE SO WRONG
IF THIS DISNEY THESPIAN
WENT “DEGENERES-IAN”
ru
TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH
Pe
THOSE FABLES ARE SO LONG IN THE TOOTH
N
AND WHETHER A PRINCESS DECIDES
IF SHE’S GONNA BE THE GROOM OR THE BRIDE
O
g
I’M SURE THAT FAIRY TALES WILL BE FINE
WITH SOME GERTRUDE STEIN
TI
YEAH, I MIGHT BE LESBIAN
s in
C
AND WHAT’S WRONG WITH LESBIAN
en
U
I CAN RULE KINGDOMS
FROM D.C. TO SHANGHAI
D
c
Li
LET’S ALL BE LESBIAN

O
“NAVRATALOV-IAN”
AND LET’S SAY GOODBYE
PR
ay
TO THE SAME OL’ TIRED STANDBY

THAT OUR HAPPINESS DEPENDS
dw
ON GETTING THE GUY

R
GIVEN THE CHANCE

FO
oa
I’LL BE THE ONE WHO’S WEARING THE PANTS

THAT’S WHY I’M THE ONLY PRINCESS HERE
WITHOUT THE GUY
Br
(softer now)
ASIAN GIRLS ARE PRETTY
O
WITH THOSE BLOSSOMS IN THEIR HAIR

N
SO BEAUTIFUL AND DUTIFUL

DONE THAT--BEEN THERE
(lights fade slowly to black...HUA MULAN exits...lights up

on SNOW WHITE, who is holding a mirror...mark tree as
she waves her fingers at the mirror...”magic mirror”music)
28
#5 PERFECT—1ST ATTEMPT
SNOW WHITE
Mirror, mirror, in my hand
Why, who’s that I see
l
As I strike up the band?
sa
(a curtain opens revealing SLEEPING BEAUTY asleep in an
ru
awkward position on BELLE’s throne...BAND breaks down...
SLEEPING BEAUTY snores…then, with great dismay)
Pe
Why, it’s Sleeping Beauty.
N
(SLEEPING BEAUTY snores louder)
O
g
TI
Singing a song called...“Perfect.” s in
C
(even louder snoring)
en
U
That’s perfect.
D
c
(playful at first...sing-song)
Li
Sleeping.
O
PR
(more snoring…louder)
ay
Sleeping Beauty!
dw
(SNOW WHITE laughs nervously…then, to the AUDIENCE,

FO
oa
(thinking fast)
Well...it seems we’re having a few...technical difficulties.
Br
(yelling over her shoulder to backstage)

T
Close the curtain!

O
(the curtain closes…again, to the AUDIENCE)

N
Okay, we gotta keep this moving, folks. Nine-twenty-five, remember? Nine-twenty-five!

Cinderella! Introduce the next princess! Now!
(SNOW WHITE stomps off the stage...CINDERELLA soon

stumbles onto the stage, obviously pushed on by SNOW WHITE...
she’s a bit deer-in-the-headlights...she stares at the AUDIENCE...beat)
29
(shouting from offstage)
Right now!
CINDERELLA
(as if jolted awake)
Oh! Um...and now...
l
sa
(mimicking SNOW WHITE)
Right now!
ru
Pe
#6 TWO LEGS
N
O
g
All the way from Copenhagen, with her very own fish tale...here’s a girl who gave up her
TI
in
father...her fin...and even her voice...just to net a man. Please welcome...
s
C
(she can’t pass up a bad pun)
en
U
Just for the halibut...
D
c
(CINDERELLA laughs at her own joke)

Li
O
The one...the only...
PR
ay
(more bad puns)

dw
Singing chicken of the sea!

R
(THE LITTLE MERMAID stumbles onto the stage...she is the

FO
oa
epitome of a down-on-her-luck lush...tattoos, unkempt hair,

too much make-up...she clutches a beer bottle in her hand)
Br
THE LITTLE MERMAID

T
Ya, ya, ya...they get it! I’m the freakin’ Little Mermaid!
O
(BAND breaks down…The Little Mermaid toasts with

N
her beer bottle)
Little Mermaid...wooooooooo!
(she takes a swig of beer)
30
CINDERELLA
(continuing on with the hokey jokes)
And she’s just ready to...dive in...and be a part of your worl-
THE LITTLE MERMAID

Get. Out!
l
sa
(CINDERELLA exits quickly, mid-sentence…The Little Mermaid,
to the BAND)
ru
I’m gonna need a vamp.
Pe
N
(BAND vamps...THE LITTLE MERMAID exits and soon returns
with a colorful grotto in tow…to the AUDIENCE)
O
g
Okay, so...I’ve been quiet a long time. But now I gotta lotta say. I gotta lotta say.
TI
LONG AGO
s in
C
WHEN I WAS JUST A GLIMMER IN MY PARENTS’ EYES
en
U
GIRLS LIKE ME NEVER DARED STEP OUT OF LINE
D
c
THEN I CAME ALONG

Li
THIS TEENAGE BOY-CRAZED SWIMMER WITH THE FLIRTY EYES

O
A SPOILED PROBLEM CHILD, A HEADSTRONG BRINE
PR
ay
THEN ONE NIGHT, A STORMY SEA

TOSSED A SHIP ABOUT
dw
A HANDSOME PRINCE FELL OVERBOARD

AND I GAVE HIM MOUTH-TO-MOUTH
R
FO
oa
FROM THEN ON I WAS HOOKED

AND I KNEW THIS REBELLIOUS DAUGHTER
WOULD WALK AMONG THE WORLD UP THERE
Br
A RED-HEADED, BI-“PEE”-DAL FISH OUT OF WATER

T
UH—OH
O
TWO LEGS TOO MANY

N
I’D GLADLY DUMP MY SIX-INCH HEELS

TO JUMP BACK IN WITH THE MORAY EELS
TOO LATE
TO TURN BACK NOW
I CAN’T BELIEVE I SWAPPED THE SEVEN SEAS
FOR A PRINCE AND A PAIR OF THESE
31
(she rips the bottom part of her skirt away to reveal her legs covered
with band-aids)
THE LITTLE MERMAID (CONT’D)

NOW, DON’T GET ME WRONG
I LOVE MY HUSBAND DEARLY
WITH ALL MY HEART
l
sa
I’M JUST WOND’RIN’ IF I MADE A FOOLISH TRADE
(two clam puppets enter, one operated by CINDERELLA and the
ru
other by SNOW WHITE)
Pe
CINDERELLA & SNOW WHITE
N
OH
O
g
THE LITTLE MERMAID CINDERELLA & SNOW WHITE
HANDING IN MY MERMAID FIN OOOOH
TI
WAS CLEARLY
s in
C
en
U
NOT ALL THAT SMART
D
c
THE LITTLE MERMAID

Li
‘CAUSE NOW I GOTTA SPREAD THESE TO GET LAID

O
PR
ay
OH, HER LEGS

dw
THE LITTLE MERMAID

ARE INCONVENIENT
R
GOTTA SHAVE ‘EM TWICE A WEEK

FO
oa
AND I FIND I HAVE TO CROSS ‘EM

OR ELSE I’LL
Br
ALL
T
GIVE THE BOYS A PEEK

O

N
AND HER FEET
THE LITTLE MERMAID

REQUIRE TENDING
‘CAUSE THEY BLISTER UP AND CRACK
I WISHED TO DANCE AND BICYCLE
32
THE LITTLE MERMAID (CONT’D)
BUT AFTER BOTH MY ARCHES FELL
I WISH HE’D THROWN ME BACK
UH-OH
TWO LEGS
l
sa
TWO LEGS
THE LITTLE MERMAID
ru
TOO MANY
Pe
N
UH-OH
O
g
THE LITTLE MERMAID
I’D HAPP’LY DITCH THESE NICKS AND SCABS
TI
TOO LATE
s in
TO SPEND MY LIFE WITH THE HORSESHOE CRABS
C
en
U
TOO LATE
D
c
Li
ALL
O
TO TURN BACK NOW
PR
ay
THE LITTLE MERMAID

dw

NOW, I DESPISE HAVING FLABBY THIGHS
R
AND I’D GIVE ‘EM UP WITH GLEE

FO
oa
IF I KNEW I COULD GO BACK TO

TWENTY-THOUSAND GODDAMNED LEAGUES
UNDERNEATH THE SEA
Br
UH-OH
O

N
UH-OH
THE LITTLE MERMAID

UH-OH
ALL
UH-OH
33
THE LITTLE MERMAID
(crying out)
Two legs!

TWO LEGS
l
sa
THE LITTLE MERMAID
TOO MANY
ru
UH-OH
Pe
N
THE LITTLE MERMAID
I’D FREELY TRADE MY BATHROOM SCALE
O
g
TO DIVE AND BREACH WITH THE HUMPBACK WHALE
TOO LATE
TI
in
s
C
TOO LATE
en
U
ALL
D
c
TO TURN BACK NOW

Li
O
THE LITTLE MERMAID
I’D EAS’LY JUNK THESE PANTYHOSE
PR
ay
FOR THE SMELL OF FLOTSAM IN MY NOSE

TOO LATE
dw

R
TOO LATE
FO
oa
ALL
TO TURN BACK NOW
Br
THE LITTLE MERMAID

O

N
THE LITTLE MERMAID CINDERELLA & SNOW WHITE

NOW I’M DOWN ON KNOBBY KNEES AH
(she drops to her knees in despair)
34
THE LITTLE MERMAID
Ouch.
(she collects herself)
I PRAY SOMEDAY THAT I’LL SWAP THESE

AND RETURN TO THE SEVEN SEAS
l
sa
ALL
SEVEN SEAS
ru
(Final pose)
Pe
(Tag: SNOW WHITE and CINDERELLA exit, leaving THE
N
LITTLE MERMAID alone on stage...SNOW WHITE reenters...
THE LITTLE MERMAID grabs her grotto and exits)
O
g
SNOW WHITE
TI
Well...that went well.
s in
C
(switching gears)
en
U
Okay, getting back on track now...here she is...from the pretty pine...
D
c
Li
(SLEEPING BEAUTY, wearing antlers and bleating away on a

O
deer call, dances onto the stage...she makes like a deer and struts
around the stage...before long, SLEEPING BEAUTY spins out
PR
ay
of control into a Lion-King-esque/Julie Taymor dramatic modern

dance as she continues to toot on the deer call)
dw
Stop it!
R
(SLEEPING BEAUTY stops dancing…then, indicating SLEEPING

FO
oa
BEAUTY’S antlers)
So...you woke up just for that?

Br
SLEEPING BEAUTY
I thought I’d surprise you.
O
N
SNOW WHITE
Oh, I’m surprised all right. What is this? What are you supposed to be anyway?
SLEEPING BEAUTY
(serious)
I’m a doe.
(beat)
35
SLEEPING BEAUTY (CONT’D)
A deer.
(beat…then, having fun with the Sound of Music reference…

spoken, not sung)
A female dee…
l
sa
SNOW WHITE
Alright, I get it! Look, that is probably one the most ridiculous, nonsensical, harebrained
ru
things I’ve ever seen.
Pe
CINDERELLA
N
(bursting onto the stage)
Hello!
O
g
(CINDERELLA is dressed in a ridiculous forest headdress made up of
TI
in
glittery trees...it looks like a summer camp arts and crafts project...she
also carries a papier-mâché hummingbird attached to a stick with
s
C
string and wears a raccoon puppet on her hand...she twirls the bird
en
U
above her head)
D
c
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Li
It’s a hummingbird! Can you see the forest? And the raccoon?
O
(beat as SNOW WHITE glares at the two)
PR
ay
No? Okay.
dw
(SLEEPING BEAUTY attempts to stop CINDERELLA)

R

FO
oa
Cinderella. Cinderella! Stop it!
(CINDERELLA stops...SLEEPING BEAUTY glares at her and

Br
points her off the stage...CINDERELLA, sad now, exits…SLEEPING

T
BEAUTY, turning to SNOW WHITE)

O
Can I sing my song now?

N
(SNOW WHITE points SLEEPING BEAUTY off the stage)
Good idea. We should do it later.
(SLEEPING BEAUTY exits)
36
SNOW WHITE
(to the AUDIENCE)
Take two. Now here she is, from the pretty pinewoods of Appalachia, in another patently
percipient, parody-pushing parade of pantomime protest proffering pep and poignancy, a
personable, pint-sized, eye-peeling pixie from the past that we pray will please and propel
you to passionately put your palms parallel for the pulchritudinous and possessingly
l
sa
appealing, yet presently peeved and pissed off, Powhatan princess...Boom!
(she revels in her victory over the alliterative introduction)
ru
Say it with me, my people...Pocahontas! Perfect.
Pe
N
(she exits...POCAHONTAS enters wearing a tight Native
American-themed mini-dress and strikes a pose...she suddenly
O
g
tosses a handful of colorful, fake leaves into the air)
TI
s in
#7 POCAHONTAS’S THEME (UNDERSCORE)
C
en
U
POCAHONTAS
(high, squeaky, over-the-top Marilyn Monroe voice)
D
c
Li
O
And now...a word from our ssssssssponsor. The Princess Complex!
PR
(CINDERELLA, SLEEPING BEAUTY, and SNOW WHITE enter...

ay
each holds a large perfume atomizer...they sigh as they pose, helpless

damsels in distress; a la melodramatic Calvin Klein perfume ad)
dw
SNOW WHITE
The Princess Complex.
FO
oa
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Br
CINDERELLA
O

N
POCAHONTAS
SNOW WHITE
The Princess Complex. A new fragrance brewed up by the friendly folks who brought you
Toddlers and Tiaras.
37
(beat)
A show that ran six seasons.
(beat)
l
sa
On TLC.
(beat...then, in disbelief)
ru
The Learning Channel!
Pe
POCAHONTAS
N
O
g
CINDERELLA
(pronounced as written: toilet)
TI
A parfum du ‘toilet.’
s in
C
SLEEPING BEAUTY
en
U
A delicate feminine scent.
D
c
CINDERELLA
Li
A cologne for the discerning lady designed to make you absolutely reek with the smell of
O
fear and insecurity.
PR
ay
POCAHONTAS
dw
SNOW WHITE
R
Just a dab behind each ear and you too can look forward to spending a lifetime as a
FO
oa
damsel in distress.
POCAHONTAS
Br
(whispering like a sex kitten)

T
The Princess Complex. Rawr!

O
SLEEPING BEAUTY
N
One spray on the wrist and you’ll be pining away for your knight in shining armor.
CINDERELLA
A handsome, dashing stranger who will swoop in and rescue you from your lonely,
pathetic, useless existence.
38
POCAHONTAS
SNOW WHITE
A specially concocted potion that guarantees despair...
SLEEPING BEAUTY
l
sa
Prolonged crying spells...
POCAHONTAS
ru
And starvation resulting in a waistline smaller than your own neck.
Pe
**See pp.45-49 for alternate dialogue and song for the following section**
N
O
g
SNOW WHITE
TI
in
The Princess Complex. May also result in bad decision-making...
s
C
POCAHONTAS
en
U
And swollen glands.
D
c
Li
#8 BIG TITS
O
PR
POCAHONTAS & SNOW WHITE

ay
Swollen glands.
dw
ALL FOUR
R
Big...milky...swollen...glands!
FO
oa
(the PRINCESSES immediately shift from damsels in distress

to strong, empowered women)
Br
SNOW WHITE
T
BIG TITS
O
I CAN NEVER FIND A BLOUSE THAT FITS

N
CINDERELLA
I GOT A SILHOUETTE THAT NEVER QUITS
POCAHONTAS & SLEEPING BEAUTY

ANOTHER PRETTY PEACH WITH MAMMOTH PITS
39
ALL
I GOT A BACKACHE ‘CAUSE
THOSE MEN WHO MADE ME UP
MADE SURE I’D RUNNETH AT THE CUP
SNOW WHITE
You think I’m popular because I’m sweet and have a good personality?
l
sa
(SLEEPING BEAUTY breaks into uncontrollable laughter)
ru
SLEEPING BEAUTY
No.
Pe
N
(SNOW WHITE poses with ‘perfect-princess-hands’ and indicates
that SLEEPING BEAUTY should imitate her...SLEEPING BEAUTY
O
g
attempts to do so, begrudgingly)
TI
Truth is...
s in
SNOW WHITE
C
en
U
I GOT A TRUST FUND AND A BENTLEY
AND A CONDO AT THE RITZ
D
c
AND IT’S BECAUSE I

Li
O
ALL
FIND MYSELF WITH BIG TITS
PR
ay
SLEEPING BEAUTY
dw
(to SNOW WHITE a la Groucho Marx)

I’m looking at ‘em right now, sister!
R
FO
oa
POCAHONTAS
(indicating her chest)
Ya! Check out these blue corn moons!
Br
SNOW WHITE
GIGANTIC JUGS
O
THE KIND WHERE IT’S A CHORE TO GIVE CLOSE HUGS

N
SLEEPING BEAUTY
(a la Arnold Schwarzenegger)
YOU’D THINK I’D USED
PERFORMANCE-ENHANCING DRUGS
40
POCAHONTAS & CINDERELLA
OR STUFFED MY BRA
WITH TWO VERY LARGE ROLLED UP RUGS
ALL
AND YOU KNOW THAT YOU WERE
WRITTEN BY A GUY
l
sa
WHEN YOUR CHEST POKES OUT SOMEONE’S EYE
SNOW WHITE
ru
Oh, sure...
Pe
I GOT A ROLLS, I GOT A YACHT
N
I GOT SOME BEACHFRONT IN ST. KITTS
BUT IT’S BECAUSE I FIND MYSELF
O
g
YES, SOMETIMES I BLIND MYSELF
I FEEL BEHIND MYSELF
TI
I’M OUTTA MY WITS
s in
C
en
U
AND IT’S BECAUSE WE’VE GOT
D
c
ALL
Li
BIG TITS
O
MELONS ABOUND
PR
ay

MEN WORSHIP THE GROUND
dw

R
The ground!
FO
oa

UPON WHICH OUR SHADOWS LOOM
Br
ALL
LO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OOM
O
N
POCAHONTAS
AND IN ALL MY FILMS
And dolls...
THERE’S CLEAVAGE GALORE
41
SNOW WHITE
Wanna know why?
POCAHONTAS
Why?
SNOW WHITE
l
sa
‘CAUSE MEN ADORE MORE
OF WHAT’S BEFORE YOUR
EV’RY ENTRANCE TO A ROOM
ru
(a dream-like ‘BIG TITS’ ballet, if you will, with POCAHONTAS
Pe
at its comical center)
N
BIG TITS
O
g
TI
SO GINORMOUS, IT’S
s in
C
SNOW WHITE, CINDERELLA & SLEEPING BEAUTY
en
U
HARD TO FIND SOMETHING TO WEAR
D
c
SNOW WHITE
Li
BIG TITS
O
PR
ay
THEY’RE SO MASSIVE, IT’S

dw

EV’RY PRINCESS’S WAKING COSTUME NIGHTMARE
R
FO
oa
SNOW WHITE
BIG TITS
Br

T
MONUMENTAL TITS
O
SNOW WHITE
N
PERKY AND FULL
CINDERELLA, SLEEPING BEAUTY & POCAHONTAS

AHH
SNOW WHITE
DEFYING GRAVITY’S PULL
42
ALL
AND WE’VE GOT THEM BECAUSE
EV’RY ONE OF US WAS
SNOW WHITE
DRAWN BY A MAN
A SEX’LLY FRUSTRATED MAN
l
sa
THAT’S WHY OUR STORYLINES SPAN
MOUNTAINS AND VALLEYS
FROM THE ISLE OF MANHATTAN
ru
TO THE WOODS OF SPOKAN’
Pe
ALL
N
GUYS MAKING FILMS WITH THEIR FLIES
SO IT’S NO SMALL SURPRISE
O
g
THAT OUR BACKSIDES ARE TINY
AND OUR FRONTS SEEM TO BE SUPER-SIZED
TI
SNOW WHITE
s in
C
TEACHING LITTLE GIRLS THAT ALL YOU REALLY NEED
en
U
ALL OTHERS
D
c
THAT ALL YOU REALLY NEED

Li
O
CINDERELLA
IS A PRINCE
PR
ay
SLEEPING BEAUTY
dw
And a moat!
R
SNOW WHITE
FO
oa
(indicating her chest)
AND A PAIR OF THESE TO SUCCEED

Br
POCAHONTAS
Now, pay attention, kiddies. If you want to get ahead in life
O
N
ALL YOU REQUIRE
ALL
ARE ENORMOUS TITTIES
COLOSSAL CANS
THEY’RE JUST SITTING THERE
LIKE TWO EXTRA LARGE PIZZA PANS
43
SNOW WHITE
THEY JUST HAD TO GO
AND OVER-INFLATE ALL MY GLANDS
POCAHONTAS
(grabbing herself just beneath her chest)
l
sa
If I hold myself like this then you can’t see my hands!
ALL
ru
IT’S NO LIE THAT EV’RY SEQUEL THEY CREATE
OUR KNOCKERS TEND TO ESCALATE
Pe
N
THAT’S WHY WE FIND OURSELVES
O
g
TI
WITH BEAN BAGS AND BOULDERS
s in
C
en
U
WE’VE RESIGNED OURSELVES
D
c

Li
TO HUNCHED-OVER SHOULDERS
O
PR
ay

THEY’VE REALIGNED OUR SHELVES
dw
NOW NOTHING FITS

BECAUSE WE FIND
R
FO
oa
ALL
WE FIND OURSELVES
WITH
Br
(tremolo and drum roll...the PRINCESSES disappear backstage to

collect breastplates that spoof items referring to women’s chests…
O
after a few moments, POCAHONTAS reappears)

N
POCAHONTAS
BIG
ALL OTHERS
HEADLIGHTS
FUNBAGS
44
ALL OTHERS (CONT’D)
HONKERS
BLINKERS
KNOCKERS
YABOS
BAZOOMIES
l
sa
TATAS
WONKERS
BANGERS
ru
KAHUNAS
BAZONGAS
Pe
N
ALL
BIG TITS
O
g
(final pose)
TI
in
(TAG: all dance offstage...SNOW WHITE soon reenters)
s
C
en
U
**Alternate dialogue and song begin at this point**
D
c
SNOW WHITE
Li
O
Just a dab behind each ear and you too can look forward to spending a lifetime as a
damsel in distress.
PR
ay
POCAHONTAS
A damsel in distress?
dw
SNOW WHITE
FO
oa
A lifetime...as a damsel in distress.

Br
#8 (ALTERNATE) FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES

T
O
(SNOW WHITE spritzes herself with The Princess Complex perfume

and becomes a vacant, ditzy damsel in distress)
N
LOOK AT ME, I’M SWEET
(SLEEPING BEAUTY spritzes herself and becomes a vacuous maiden)
SLEEPING BEAUTY
LOOK AT ME, I’M SHY
45
(CINDERELLA spritzes herself and heightens her sense of innocent
bubble-headedness)
CINDERELLA
ME
I’M BRAIN-FREE
WITHOUT A CLUE AS TO WHY
l
sa
WE ARE SO DITZY
ru
WE’RE HELPLESSLY FRAIL
BUT WE’RE HAPPY AS LONG AS
Pe
A PRINCE SAVES OUR TAIL
N
SO, WE’LL BE OBEDIENT WIVES
FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES
O
g
POCAHONTAS
TI
in
The rest of our lives? Isn’t that like a really long time?
s
C
SNOW WHITE
en
U
Why, yes! Because happily ever after...
D
c
(pointed...sober for a moment)

Li
...is forever.
O
(SNOW WHITE spritzes CINDERELLA)
PR
ay
CINDERELLA
dw
(damsel in distress again)

R
I’M OBSESSED WITH MY LOOKS

FO
oa
(SNOW WHITE spritzes SLEEPING BEAUTY)

Br
SLEEPING BEAUTY
T

O
I’M OBSESSED WITH MY HAIR

N
(SLEEPING BEAUTY and CINDERELLA spritz SNOW WHITE)
SNOW WHITE
46
AND WHEN
SEVEN MEN
NEED A MAID
I’m so there!
l
sa
WE ARE SO DELICATE
WEAK, THROUGH AND THROUGH
ru
JUST WAITING FOR CHARMING
TO RIDE INTO VIEW
Pe
AND THAT’S HOW A PRINCESS SURVIVES
N
FOR THE REST OF OUR
O
g
SNOW WHITE
LONG, LONG AGO
TI
in
s
C
(echoing)
en
U
LONG, LONG AGO
D
c

Li
WHEN MAN FIRST CREATED THE PRIN-IN-CESS

O
SNOW WHITE
PR
ay
HOW, HOW COULD WE KNOW

dw

R
(echoing)
FO
oa
HOW COULD WE KNOW

Br
THAT THOSE GUYS WOULD COME UP WITH THIS

T
(SNOW WHITE mocks a damsel in distress pose)

O
N
CINDERELLA
(mocking a damsel in distress pose)
And this!
SLEEPING BEAUTY
(mocking a damsel in distress pose)
And this!
47
POCAHONTAS
(following suit...mocking a damsel in distress pose)
And this?
SNOW WHITE
TEACHING LITTLE GIRLS
THAT ALL YOU REALLY NEED
l
sa
Is a prince and a castle
ru
(pointing to their chests)
Pe
N
And these to succeed!
POCAHONTAS
O
g
(pointing to her chest)
These?!
TI
s in
SLEEPING BEAUTY
C
Indeed!
en
U
SNOW WHITE
D
c
One spritz...proceed!
Li
O
(SNOW WHITE spritzes POCAHONTAS with The Princess Complex
perfume...POCAHONTAS heightens her ditzy damsel in distress
PR
ay
personality)
dw
POCAHONTAS
(getting it now)
R
LOOK AT ME, I’M CUTE

FO
oa
LOOK AT ME, I’M SPRY
(pointing to her head)

Br
AND I’M
T
ONE SLICE SHORT

OF A FULL PIZZA PIE
O
N
ALL FOUR
WE ARE SO FRAGILE
WE’RE SO DAMN CLICHE
BUT AS LONG AS A MAN
AND A MOAT COME OUR WAY
48
ALL FOUR (CONT’D)
WE’LL HAPPILY WAIT ’TIL THE BABY ARRIVES
FOR THE REST OF OUR
REST OF OUR
BEST OF OUR
SATINY, PERMANENT-PRESSED OF OUR
MESSED OF OUR
l
sa
(playing with their hair)
TRESSED OF OUR
ru
CRAMMED AND JAMMED
IN THIS DRESSED OF OUR
Pe
STRESSED OF OUR
N
(indicating their cleavage)
O
g
CHEST OF OUR
GOD-BLESSED DAMSEL IN DISTRESSED OF OUR
TI
REST OF
OUR LIVES
s in
C
en
U
(they each take one last spritz of the perfume, strike mocking
damsel in distress poses and sigh)
D
c
Li
Ahh...
O
(ALL exit)
PR
ay
**Alternate dialogue and song end at this point**

dw
(SNOW WHITE reenters, solemn now)

FO
oa
SNOW WHITE
I now give you Pocahontas...in her own words.
Br
(SNOW WHITE exits...POCAHONTAS enters...she begins

the song with a slight, squeaky Marilyn Monroe sound
O
remaining in her voice)

N
#9 HONESTLY
POCAHONTAS
SOME LOVE HISTORY
AND SOME MAKE IT THEIR OWN
49
POCAHONTAS (CONT’D)
THAT’S HOW IT GOES
I SUPPOSE
AND SOME CAN TAKE WHAT’S REAL

AND MAKE IT NOT...SO REAL
AND I WONDER WHY
l
sa
WE JUST STAND BY
(POCAHONTAS’s voice completely transitions to the actor’s full,
ru
real voice)
Pe
THE TRUTH IS I WAS
N
JUST A CHILD
AND IF YOU SAW ME
O
g
I REALLY ONLY STOOD THIS TALL
TI
in
(she raises her hand to about waist-high)
s
C
AND EV’RY PROBLEM SEEMED SO SMALL
en
U
’TIL HOLLYWOOD CAME CALLIN’
D
c
AND THAT’S WHEN

Li
LOOK AT ME, NOW

O
MY DEERSKIN IS CUT WAY ABOVE MY KNEE, NOW
THERE’S TOO MUCH TO SEE, NOW
PR
ay
WHEN DID I GET BLUSHED

dw
IT LOOKS LIKE MY MAKEOVER

WAS COMPLETELY RUSHED
R
MY HAIR IS JUST WAY OVER-BRUSHED

FO
oa
LOOK AT HOW IT SWIRLS ‘ROUND IN THE WIND

ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND
AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT THIS OFFENDS
Br
HONESTLY
O
DOES ANYONE BELIEVE

N
MY GRANDMA’S IN THAT TREE

OR THAT I KISSED JOHN SMITH
THAT’S JUST NOT HISTORY
WHY WASN’T MY STORY TOLD

HONESTLY
50
POCAHONTAS (CONT’D)
THERE WAS A FOREST
I REMEMBER THE RIVER
I CAN STILL SEE THE MOON RISE
FROM LAND TO SKY
NOW, CENTURIES LATER
l
sa
ALL THE COLORS ARE DIFF’RENT
I LOOK LIKE A PORN STAR
AND I ASK WHY
ru
CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHY
Pe
I’M FORCED TO ROW AROUND THAT RIVERBEND
N
JUST AROUND THE RIVERBEND
O
g
AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS
THIS IS PRETEND
TI
AND HONESTLY
s in
C
I WAS ONLY TEN
en
U
BUT NOW I’M DOUBLE-D
CAN ANYONE EXPLAIN
D
c
WHY LEAVES KEEP FOLLOWING ME

Li
AND WHY MY STORY CAN’T BE TOLD

O
HONESTLY
PR
ay
HONESTLY
LOOK AT ME, NOW
dw
(POCAHONTAS exits...SNOW WHITE enters, mirror in hand)

R
FO
oa
SNOW WHITE
Okay. I am prepared to try this again.
Br
#10 PERFECT—2ND ATTEMPT

O
(she waves her hand at the mirror...mark tree...“magic mirror” music)

N
Mirror, mirror in my hand

Why, who’s that I see
(a curtain opens revealing SLEEPING BEAUTY...BAND breaks down...

SLEEPING BEAUTY is asleep, snoring)
51
Well, that’s not surprising. Okay...
(calling offstage)
Cinderella!
(more princessy and sing-songy)
l
sa
Cinderella!
(CINDERELLA pops onto the stage holding her wooden-handled
ru
straw broom)
Pe
CINDERELLA
N
Hello!
O
g
SNOW WHITE
Look, it’s getting late and this is the last chance for Princess Ambien over there to sing her
TI
song. Wake her up.
s in
C
CINDERELLA
en
U
Wake her up?
D
c
SNOW WHITE
Li
Ya, y’know...give her a little nudge and wake...

O
CINDERELLA
PR
ay
(cutting SNOW WHITE off…she’s got this)

Shhhh!
dw
SNOW WHITE
I just...
R
FO
oa
CINDERELLA
Shhhh!
Br
SNOW WHITE
T
Oooookay.
O
(CINDERELLA, thinking hard, steps off the stage and tiptoes across
N
the front of the AUDIENCE to the other side of the stage where SLEEPING
BEAUTY is situated…CINDERELLA has an idea…she hums to herself
as she passes by a woman in the front row)
CINDERELLA
(to WOMAN)
Those shoes look comfortable.
52
(CINDERELLA returns to humming, climbs back up onto the stage,
and disappears backstage near SLEEPING BEAUTY...silence...after
a few moments, the wooden broom handle slowly appears from behind
the curtain near SLEEPING BEAUTY...the broom handle nudges
SLEEPING BEAUTY and she mumbles softly as she shifts her position...
finally, the broom handle moves slowly to SLEEPING BEAUTY’s
cheek and pokes her in the face)
l
sa
SLEEPING BEAUTY
(still asleep...slightly playful)
ru
Pinocchio, no.
Pe
(the broom handle pulls back and then finally goes in for one last try,
N
poking SLEEPING BEAUTY in the face again)
O
g
(still dreaming a naughty dream)
Pinocchio...no means no.
TI
s in
SNOW WHITE
C
Curtain...curtain! Close the curtain!
en
U
(the curtain closes...SNOW WHITE, embarrassed, tries to laugh
D
c
it off)
Li
O
That’s not right.
PR
ay
(beat…trying to make light of the situation)

dw
You’re not gonna see that on Disney Plus.

R
(she laughs uncomfortably and then gets an idea)

FO
oa
Oooookay...next princess! Yes, next princess! We’re jumping ahead to the next princess!
Br
(CINDERELLA runs frantically over to the BAND making

T
page-turning motions with her hands)

O
CINDERELLA
N
Next princess! Next princess! Look alive, maestro! You heard the lady...jump ahead to the
next princess!!
(The BAND fumbles with their scores, turning to the next song
as CINDERELLA exits to ready the princesses)
Next princess, next princess! Next prin...
53
(CINDERELLA screams as she takes a tumble backstage)
[SFX: Crashing sounds]
(beat, silence)
l
sa
CINDERELLA (CONT’D))
Ooooow.
ru
(Soon, CINDERELLA hobbles onto the stage, one glass slipper
missing...she loses her patience with the remaining slipper, stops,
Pe
rips it from her foot and, with a primal scream, throws the shoe
N
angrily off the stage)
O
g
[SFX: Glass breaking offstage]
TI
Glass slipper.
s in
(beat…in a stage whisper, aside to SNOW WHITE)
C
en
U
SNOW WHITE
I know.
D
c
Li
(beat...SNOW WHITE is about to speak)

O
CINDERELLA
PR
ay
(cutting her off)

Momma’s gonna need a new pair of shoes.
dw
SNOW WHITE
R
Momma’s gonna need you to focus!

FO
oa
(SNOW WHITE snaps her fingers...BAND starts to play the

intro to ‘FINALLY’…SNOW WHITE and CINDERELLA strike their
Br
opening pose to ‘FINALLY’...smiling suddenly)

T
O
#11 FINALLY
N

IT’S SO KEEN
IT’S DOWNRIGHT SWELL
THAT SHE’S STANDING HERE
54
CINDERELLA
WITH CINDERELL

IT’S A WELL-TOLD TALE
THAT WE’D LIKE TO TELL
AND IT STARS
l
sa
(THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG enters dressed
in a beautifully ornate princess gown)
ru
Pe
ME
N
SNOW WHITE
O
g
YES, IT’S
TI
TAKEN TIME
s in
C
TO SEE THE LIGHT
en
U
OF A MOVIE SCREEN
SO BIG AND BRIGHT
D
c
Li

O
AND EVEN THOUGH
I STILL SOUND WHITE
PR
ay
(her smile turns to a sarcastic, knowing look to the AUDIENCE)

dw

R
SHE’S FREE
FO
oa
FREE TO BE PART OF THE ROYAL MENAGERIE
SNOW WHITE
Br
Please help us welcome...The Princess Who Kissed The Frog.

T
(SNOW WHITE and CINDERELLA exit)

O
N

WHEN I WAS A GIRL
ALL I EVER WANTED TO BE
WAS A STORYBOOK PRINCESS
WHEN I WAS A BABY

I HOPED AND PRAYED MAYBE I’D BE
55
THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG (CONT’D)
A STORYBOOK PRINCESS
I HAD A DREAM
TO BE PART OF THAT TEAM
AND BETTER LATE THAN NEVER, THAT’S A FACT
l
sa
AND NOW
I AM THAT STORYBOOK PRINCESS
THAT’S FIN’LLY GONE BLACK
ru
That’s right! I made it!
Pe
N
(a la Wendy Williams)
How you doin’?
O
g
You know what I’m talkin’ about! Now, let’s bring this house down! Check it out!
TI
IT’S ABOUT TIME
s in
C
THAT THEY LET THIS GIRL RHYME
en
U
SO I COULD BE A STORYBOOK PRINCESS
D
c
WHY’D IT TAKE ‘EM SO LONG

Li
TO GIVE A SISTAH A SONG

O
LOOK AT ME!
I’M A STORYBOOK PRINCESS
PR
ay
IT’S BEEN HUNDREDS OF YEARS

dw
BUT, AT LAST, IT APPEARS

THERE’S A NEW GIRL IN TOWN
R
AND BABY’S GOT BACK

FO
oa
‘CUZ I AM THAT STORYBOOK PRINCESS

Br
YEAH
O
THEY MADE MOVIES WITH TOYS

N
BUGS, AND CARS, AND THAT ANNOYS
Me! Where was my storybook princess?
I’VE BEEN WAITING AROUND

AND NOW I’VE BROKEN NEW GROUND
56
THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG (CONT’D)
Holla!
I’M A STORYBOOK PRINCESS!
I WENT FROM BOOK TO THEME PARK

AND NOW I’M MAKING MY MARK
l
sa
And child, there’s no turning back!
ru
Pe
N
YEAH
O
g
NOW I’M SURE IT TOOK PERSUASION
TO DRAW ME DARKER THAN CAUCASIAN
TI
I’m not dense. It’s dollars and cents!
s in
C
en
U
MY PLUSH DOLLS WOULDN’T HIT THE RACK
UNLESS IT MADE GOOD BUS’NESS TO BET ON BLACK
D
c
Li
(SNOW WHITE, CINDERELLA, HUA MULAN, and THE

O
LITTLE MERMAID pop onto the stage as THE PRINCESS
WHO KISSED THE FROG exits for quick costume change)
PR
ay
PRINCESSES
dw
BET ON BLACK
YEAH
R
FO
oa
(the PRINCESSES launch into a fun-loving, diva-licious

dance segment)
Br
SNOW WHITE
T
Hey!
O
SNOW WHITE & THE LITTLE MERMAID

N
Gurl!
SNOW WHITE, THE LITTLE MERMAID & CINDERELLA

Werk!
SNOW WHITE, THE LITTLE MERMAID, CINDERELLA & HUA MULAN

Yasss!
57
ALL FOUR PRINCESSES
IT’S BEEN A HUNDRED-YEAR STROLL
TO GET A SNOW WHITE WITH SOUL
Check her out!
(THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG reenters in a flashier,
l
sa
more modern outfit)
ru
I’M THAT STORYBOOK PRINCESS
NOW I’M PAINTIN’ THE TOWN
Pe
A FAIRY TALE
N
Jackie Brown! Watch out!
O
g
ALL
TI
SHE’S THAT STORYBOOK PRINCESS
s in
(except THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG)
C
en
U
THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG ALL OTHERS
NOW, I’M UP
D
c
ON THAT SCREEN OOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Li
O
ALL
THE FIRST NUBIAN QUEEN
PR
ay

dw
AND THOUGH GETTIN’ WITH A FROG IS KINDA WACK

R
ALL OTHERS
FO
oa
Wack-a-wack!

Br
I AM THAT STORYBOOK PRINCESS

T
THAT’S FIN’LLY
NOW, THIS GIRL FROM THE ‘HOOD
O
MOVED ON UP, SHE DONE GOOD

N
HUA MULAN
(carried away)
And this Roberta ain’t takin’ no ‘Flack.’
58
(to HUA MULAN, with attitude)
I got this.

THAT’S FINALLY
l
sa
ALL
GETTIN’ A MOAT
WITH A DRAWBRIDGE AND BOAT
ru
Pe
BUT I’M KEEPIN’ MY PINK CADILLAC
N
ALL
O
g
Hey...
TI
I AM THAT STORYBOOK
s in
C
en
U
ALL
(except THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG)
D
c
SHE IS THAT STORYBOOK

Li
O
THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG ALL OTHERS
YES, I AM THAT STORYBOOK SHE IS
PR
ay
PRINCESS PRIN-CESS
dw
ALL OTHERS
R

FO
oa
ALL
THAT’S FIN’LLY GONE BLAAAAAAACK
Br
(THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG holds one

long, final riff)
O
N

(riffing)
YEAH!
You’re welcome!
(final pose)
59
(TAG: the PRINCESSES exit…SLEEPING BEAUTY cues the
DRUMMER and enters holding a stack of three placards)
#12 INTERMISSION/SLEEPING BEAUTY’S STRUT

(UNDERSCORE)
l
sa
(SLEEPING BEAUTY struts across the stage mimicking
ru
CINDERELLA’s placard bit from earlier in the show...SLEEPING
BEAUTY’s top placard has the words “AND NOW” printed on it...
she stops and faces front to the AUDIENCE with a percussion bump...
Pe
she tosses away the top placard revealing a second placard that reads
N
“INTERMISSION”...she smiles and then tosses that placard to the floor
O
revealing a final placard that has the words “GO PEE” printed on it...
g
a final percussion beat, BAND plays SLEEPING BEAUTY off as she
TI
exits...BLACKOUT) s in
C
- END ACT I -
en
U
D
c
Li
O
PR
ay
dw
R
FO
oa
Br
T
O
N
60
ACT II
SCENE--STILL THIS THEATER

TIME--15 MINUTES LATER
l
sa
#13 ENTR’ACTE/FINALLY (REPRISE—INSTRUMENTAL)
ru
(on the final beat of the “ENTR’ACTE,” SNOW WHITE
and CINDERELLA are revealed wearing German beer
wench aprons)
Pe
N
SNOW WHITE
O
We’re back!
TI
in
(CINDERELLA makes a breathy “Aaaaah!” sound with
jazz hands...SNOW WHITE snaps her back into place)
s
C
en
Now...many of us princesses originally hail from the German motherland. First, of course,
U
was me...everybody’s favorite...Snow White! Better known as...
D
c
(with a ridiculous German accent)

Li
O
Schneewittchen! (SHNEE - VIT - CHEN)
PR
ay
(she throws a stiff upright pose--stern face)

dw
CINDERELLA
R
The Brothers Grimm also popularized other German princesses like Cinderella...also
known as...
FO
oa
(with an even more ridiculous German accent)

Br
Ash-ten-pooch-tall! (AH-SHEN-POO-TILL)
T
O
SNOW WHITE
(losing patience)
N
Yeah, something like that. Now...to sell cinema tickets and plush dolls to the masses, we
German princesses had to be Americanized.
CINDERELLA
Commercialized.
61
SNOW WHITE
Merchandized.
CINDERELLA
Advertised.
(beat)
l
sa
Right before our eyes...ized!
ru
SNOW WHITE
I told you not to do that.
Pe
N
(beat...SNOW WHITE begins to speak again)
O
g
CINDERELLA
(cutting off SNOW WHITE)
TI
I apologiiiiize.
s in
C
en
U
(beat...SNOW WHITE glares at her)
D
c
SNOW WHITE
Li
What we’re trying to say here is that there is one German princess who refuses to give in to
O
the capitalism and greed of Hollywood. And she’s here with us tonight (today)!
PR
ay

Ladies und gentlemen, please willkommen...Rapunzel!
dw
(they exit)
R
FO
oa
#14 NOT VONE RED CENT

Br
(RAPUNZEL enters...she is a monstrosity...a voman with a big

T
mole on her cheek and a bushy unibrow on her forehead...she

O
speaks with an over-the-top German accent)

N
RAPUNZEL
Und now...I sing!
(extremely Wagnerian and Weilly)
MINE IS A TALE OF PAIN AND VOE

A DEEP, DARK TRAGEDY
62
RAPUNZEL (CONT’D)
UND I’VE GOT A STORY
IT’S A VELL-TOLD ALLEGORY
NO LIES, NO FIBS, NO COCK
(beat)
l
sa
NO COCK UND BULL
(loud, guttural and drawn out)
ru
Nein!
Pe
I’VE GOT A YARN ZAT I VILL SPIN FOR YOU
N
UND IT’S A VOPPER
O
g
Of a catastrophe!
TI
SEE, IT’S ABOUT ZE VAY
ZAT I’M DISPLAYED
s in
C
ONLINE ON ZE VORLD VIDE VEB
en
U
AND ON SALE AT ZE LOCAL DOLLAR TREE
D
c
(loud...Brunhild-esque)
Li
O
I FIND MYSELF
ON EV’RY VALMART SHELF
PR
ay
Und dis Valt Disney has pimped me out!

dw
TO ZE SUITS ON OLD VALL STREET

R
FO
oa
NOW...I’M...ON
T-SHIRTS
I’M ON TEA SETS
Br
HELL, I’M EVEN ON YOUR VATCH

T
UND I’VE SEEN MY FACE

O
MOST EV’RY PLACE

N
I’M ON PAMPERS
NEAR ZE BABY’S CROTCH
YOU CAN EVEN FIND MY KISSER

ON YOUR TUBE OF PEPSODENT
UND VHAT’VE I GOT TO SHOW FOR IT
NOT VONE RED CENT
63
RAPUNZEL (CONT’D)
Und you vouldn’t believe ze cockamamie merchandise zey put us poor princesses on...
(SNOW WHITE and CINDERELLA enter, both wearing unibrows)
SNOW WHITE
I’M ON SVEATPANTS
l
sa
I’M ON SVIMTRUNKS
I’M ON GIRLIES’ UNDERVEAR
ru
RAPUNZEL
Hey!
Pe
N
YOU’VE TATTOOED MY PUSS
ON YOUR CABUSS
O
g
Don’t lie. You know it’s there!
TI
in
SNOW WHITE
s
C
Hey!
en
U
CINDERELLA
D
c
YOU CAN EVEN FIND DIS FRÄULEIN’S MUG

Li
ON LAUNDRY DETERGENT
O
ALL THREE
PR
ay
Hey! Hey! Hey!

dw
UND VHAT’VE VE GOT TO SHOW FOR IT

NOT VONE RED CENT
R
FO
oa
RAPUNZEL
NOT VONE RED CENT
Br

T
NOT VONE RED CENT

O
RAPUNZEL
N
NOT VONE RED CENT

NOT VONE RED CENT
(HUA MULAN enters and stands; deadpan)
64
RAPUNZEL
As long as zat’s her daily pay, she’s stuck in Orient!
(HUA MULAN exits)
NOT VONE RED CENT
l
sa
NOT VONE RED CENT
ru
RAPUNZEL
NOT VONE RED CENT
Pe
N
NOT VONE RED CENT
O
g
ALL THREE
TI
HOW MUCH DO VE GET
FROM EV’RY DOLLAR ZAT IS SCHPENT
s in
C
NOT VONE RED CENT
en
U
D
c
VONE, VONE, VONE

Li
VONE, VONE, VONE, VONE

O
RAPUNZEL
PR
ay
Now, ve add in ze ow-di-ence!

dw

Zat’s you!
R
FO
oa
(houselights up)
RAPUNZEL
Br
Und now...ve all sing!

T

O
(guttural...angry now)
N
Und you vill like it!
RAPUNZEL
(a tempo)
Vhen I say “Not vone red cent!”, you say “Not vone red cent!” Ready? Let’s give it a try!
(starting off the call-and-response bit)
65
RAPUNZEL (CONT’D)
NOT VONE RED CENT
SNOW WHITE, CINDERELLA & AUDIENCE

NOT VONE RED CENT
RAPUNZEL
l
sa
NOT VONE RED CENT
ru
NOT VONE RED CENT
Pe
RAPUNZEL
N
ZAT’S HOW MUCH VE GET FROM EV’RY
DOLLAR ZAT IS SCHPENT
O
g
NOT VONE RED CENT
TI
NOT VONE RED CENT
s in
C
en
U
(beat)
D
c
RAPUNZEL
Li
Zat vas ow-ful!

O
SNOW WHITE
PR
ay
But my side vuz gud!

dw
CINDERELLA
My side vuz bettah!
R
FO
oa
RAPUNZEL
Uh no!
Br
(cutting the BAND off)

T
Ve have discrepancy! Der is only vone vay to solve dis!

O
SNOW WHITE
N
(no accent)
There is?
(catching herself)
I mean...
(back to terrible German accent)
Der is?!
66
RAPUNZEL
Uh-huh. Vith a sing off!
(BAND plays fanfare)
Now, ve vill schplit ze ow-di-ence!
l
sa
(BAND returns to the vamp…to SNOW WHITE)
Schneewittchen!
ru
SNOW WHITE
Pe
Ya?
N
RAPUNZEL
O
g
You vill have from dis seat all ze vay to zat seat and all ze vay back and up!
TI
(happy with her team)
s in
SNOW WHITE
C
Ya!
en
U
RAPUNZEL
D
c
Zat means, Aschenputtel, zat you vill have...

Li
O
(she points to two unsuspecting AUDIENCE MEMBERS in
the front row...BAND stops…low and guttural)
PR
ay
Them.
dw
(beat)
R
CINDERELLA
FO
oa
(no German accent…complaining)

But I don’t think that’s...
Br
RAPUNZEL
T
Dis is fair!
O
(BAND returns to the vamp)

N
Now...ve practice! Schneewittchen! You are first!
NOT VONE RED CENT
(SNOW WHITE leads her AUDIENCE in the chant)
67
SNOW WHITE & AUDIENCE
NOT VONE RED CENT
RAPUNZEL
NOT VONE RED CENT
l
sa
NOT VONE RED CENT
RAPUNZEL
ru
Pe
NOT VONE RED CENT
N
O
g
NOT VONE RED CENT
TI
Not so bad.
s in
RAPUNZEL
C
en
U
(sarcastic...thrown away)
D
c
You understand ze concept of ze echo.

Li
O
(RAPUNZEL approaches CINDERELLA)
PR
ay
Und now, it is time for...

dw
(she indicates the SELECTED AUDIENCE MEMBERS with

disgust...BAND stops)
R
You.
FO
oa
(beat)
Und...
Br
(BAND returns to the vamp as CINDERELLA leads her team

T
in the chant, though she doesn’t sing with them)

O
NOT VONE RED CENT

N
SELECTED AUDIENCE MEMBERS

(with CINDERELLA encouraging them, but not singing along)
NOT VONE RED CENT
68
RAPUNZEL
NOT VONE RED CENT

NOT VONE RED CENT
l
sa
RAPUNZEL
ru
Pe
CINDERELLA
N
(jumping the gun)
Not vone red cent!
O
g
RAPUNZEL
TI
Furchtbar!
s in
C
(BAND breakdown…to CINDERELLA)
en
U
Embarrassing.
D
c
Li
(to SELECTED AUDIENCE MEMBERS)

O
You fail.
PR
ay
(she moves on)

dw
Now...it is time for ze sing off!

R
(BAND returns to the vamp)

FO
oa
Remember to follow your leader.

Br
SNOW WHITE
T
Ve’re first!
O
CINDERELLA
N
(no German accent…not having fun)

And we’re last.
RAPUNZEL
Okay, zen...here ve go. On ze count of drei! Eins! Zwei! Drei!
69
ALL THREE
NOT...VONE...RED...CENT

NOT VONE RED CENT
RAPUNZEL
l
sa
NOT VONE RED CENT
ru
Pe
NOT VONE RED CENT
N
SNOW WHITE
O
g
YOU CAN FIND MY FACE ON PACK
OF MINTY FRESH TRIDENT
TI
s in
RAPUNZEL
C
NOT VONE RED CENT
en
U
D
c
NOT VONE RED CENT

Li
O
RAPUNZEL
NOT VONE RED CENT
PR
ay

dw

R
NOT VONE RED CENT

FO
oa
CINDERELLA
I’m on box of Vheaties, but it don’t change my bank schtatement!
Br
RAPUNZEL
NOT VONE RED CENT
O
N

NOT VONE RED CENT
RAPUNZEL
NOT VONE RED CENT
70
NOT VONE RED CENT
ALL THREE
VE CAN’T PAY ZE RENT
l
sa
‘COS VE’VE SEEN
NOT
VONE
ru
SCHTINKING
RED CENT
Pe
N
RAPUNZEL
(stepping forward; deliberate and drawn out)
O
g
VE’VE SEEN
TI
NOT
VONE
s in
C
RED
en
U
(the final note is clearly too low for RAPUNZEL, but she reaches
D
c
for it anyway...very low...not pretty)

Li
O
CENT
PR
ay
(she holds the note uncomfortably long)

dw
Und...
R
ALL THREE
FO
oa
VE’VE SEEN NOT VONE RED CENT
Hey!
Br
(final pose)
O
(TAG: “NOT VONE RED CENT”...RAPUNZEL

N
exits)

VE’VE SEEN NOT VONE RED CENT
Hey!
71
(CINDERELLA and SNOW WHITE exit)
#15 SECONDARY PRINCESS
(PRINCESS BADROULBADOUR enters on a magic carpet…
l
whether it be a costume piece or prop/set piece, she’s riding it...and it
sa
looks purposefully ridiculous)
ru
PRINCESS BADROULBADOUR
(sarcastic...feigning wonderment)
Pe
Oooooo...look at me! I’m flying! Ooooooooooo! Here I am, coming in for a
N
landing...ooooooooooo...ooooooooooo... yaaaaaaaaaa...ooooooooooo!
O
g
(she simply walks to her spot)
TI
And I’m here. Okay, let’s do this.
s in
C
en
(proud)
U
Now...you may know me as Princess Badroulbadour!
D
c
Li
O
(she looks to the AUDIENCE…no reaction)
PR
You don’t. Well, I was in a book called One Thousand and One Nights.
ay
(very little reaction from the AUDIENCE)

dw
One reader, two readers...home-schooled? Okay, great. Let’s make this easy for the rest of
you...
FO
oa
(like teaching a kindergarten class)

Br
I was also in a children’s book, The Story of Aladdin.

T
O
(beat as the AUDIENCE cheers…then sarcastic to AUDIENCE)

N
Okay, okay...so...in the movies, they like to call me...
(in beat with the jazzy riff)
Princess...Jaaaazz-mine!
(back to sarcasm)
72
PRINCESS BADROULBADOUR (CONT’D)
Well, that’s not me! Truth of the matter is that the Aladdin stories actually took place in
South Asia.
(BAND plays Chinese music...a Chopsticks variation)
l
sa
Well...that’s just culturally insensitive.
(moving on)
ru
Don’t’cha just love it when a big family entertainment company takes a classic story and
Pe
spins it into a whole new world? Shining…Shimmering…Splendid…
N
Hashtag…
O
g
(PRINCESS BADROULBADOUR stops the BAND)
TI
AreYouKiddingMe?!
s in
C
en
U
(then…referring to her flying carpet)
D
c
I literally just got the right to drive this thing. Look. No matter how you slice it...we still
Li
got a ‘Ja-far’ way to go. See what I did there? Try the hummus.
O
(cues the BAND back in)
PR
ay
Y’see…all they really wanna do is make sure that...

dw
(in time with the beat now)

R
FO
oa
I’m...a...
SECONDARY PRINCESS
Br
IN A SECONDARY ROLE
T
THE SPOTLIGHT’S ON THE GUY

WHO RUBS THE LAMP
O
N
MY FATHER IS A SULTAN
AND MY BOYFRIEND’S REALLY CUTE
BUT MY COSTUME MAKES ME LOOK LIKE
I’M A SECONDARY TRAMP
I DON’T DO MUCH
OF WORK AND SUCH
73
PRINCESS BADROULBADOUR (CONT’D)
I’M SIMPLY STORY-FREE
I’M THE POSTER CHILD FOR
MIDDLE EASTERN MISO-GY-NY
I’M A SECONDARY PRINCESS

LIVING A SECONDARY LIFE
l
sa
IN A STORY WHERE
THE MEN HAVE ALL THE FUN
ru
I’M TOLD THAT ALL I’LL EVER NEED
IS TO MARRY AND TO BREED
Pe
POPPING OUT A HAREM OF KIDS
N
ONE BY ONE
O
g
BUT BEFORE YOU PLACE YOUR BET
THAT I’M THE GIRL YOU’LL SOON FORGET
TI
A SECONDARY PRINCESS
ANOTHER BLAND CARTOON COQUETTE
s in
C
en
U
(beat)
D
c
Keep in mind that...

Li
O
NOW THAT I CAN DRIVE A CAR
I’LL DRIVE IT STRAIGHT UP
PR
ay
THE ASS OF OL’ JAFAR

AND THEN THIS WOMAN’S WORK
dw
IS FIN’LLY DONE
R
THAT’S WHEN THIS SECONDARY PRINCESS

FO
oa
WITH THE SECONDARY PLOT LINE

WILL HAVE SECONDARY BILLING
TO...NO...ONE
Br
(PRINCESS BADROULBADOUR holds the final note a long time)

O
And now my song is done.

N
(final pose)
(TAG: she exits)
#16 CINDERELLA’S STRUT #2 (UNDERSCORE)
74
(CINDERELLA enters and struts into place)
CINDERELLA
Snack time!
(CINDERELLA pulls a candy bar out of her cleavage...she takes

a big, giant, long whiff of the candy bar as if it were a fine cigar...
l
sa
once she inhales the chocolate, she lets out a contented sigh)
Now that was filling.
ru
(CINDERELLA places the Butterfinger candy bar back in her
Pe
cleavage)
N
Princess Complex Rule Number 323. Always remember, girls...we’re princesses.
O
g
(her smile slowly disintegrates)
TI
We never eat.
s in
C
en
U
#17 ALL I WANNA DO IS EAT
D
c
Li
O
I RUN TEN MILES A DAY
PR
ay
SNOW WHITE
(entering)
dw
I’VE NEVER TASTED A MILKY WAY

FO
oa
CINDERELLA
I HAD SOME RIBS
Br
(THE LITTLE MERMAID, THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED

T
THE FROG, HUA MULAN, and SLEEPING BEAUTY enter,

O
gasping at CINDERELLA’s admission…CINDERELLA explains)

N
REMOVED LAST WEEK
(the PRINCESSES sigh in relief)
AND I SKIP EV’RY BREAKFAST BUFFET
75
THE LITTLE MERMAID
I BREASTSTROKE TO AFRICA
And back!
THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG & HUA MULAN

WE TAKE HOT YOGA JUST TO SWEAT OUT EACH SNACK
l
sa
CINDERELLA
AND I HAVEN’T EATEN SINCE YESTERDAY
ru
‘CAUSE I’M TOLD TO KEEP MY WAISTLINE SHRINKIN’
Pe
N
TOLD TO KEEP THAT WEIGH-IN NUMBER SINKIN’
O
g
ALL
BUT I JUST CAN’T STOP THINKIN’ THAT
TI
s in
CINDERELLA
C
ALL I WANNA DO IS EAT
en
U
THE LITTLE MERMAID
D
c
A BURGER
Li
O
CINDERELLA
PR
ay
SLEEPING BEAUTY
dw
Hot pockets!
R
CINDERELLA
FO
oa
EVEN THOUGH PRINCESSES ARE TOLD

TO STAY LIGHT ON THEIR FEET
THAT DOESN’T KEEP ME FROM THINKIN’
Br
ALL I WANNA DO IS CHEAT

T
ALL
O

N
SNOW WHITE
I GO TO ZUMBA DANCE
HUA MULAN
(dancing up on SNOW WHITE)
AND I’VE CROSSED THE GOBI JUST TO FIT IN THESE PANTS
76
SNOW WHITE
(confused by HUA MULAN’s advances)
What are you doing?
HUA MULAN
(backing off SNOW WHITE, matter-of-factly)
I dunno.
l
sa
CINDERELLA
AND I SUCKED DOWN A BOTTLE OF
ru
Lipozene
Pe
N
JUST LAST WEEK
‘CAUSE WE’RE TOLD TO KEEP
O
g
OUR METABOLISM POPPIN’
TI
in
TOLD TO KEEP THOSE EXTRA POUNDS A-DROPPIN’
s
C
en
U
ALL
BUT I JUST CAN’T HELP STOPPIN’ TO THINK
D
c
Li
CINDERELLA
O
THAT ALL I WANNA DO IS EAT
PR
ay

A PIZZA
dw
CINDERELLA
R

FO
oa
HUA MULAN
Little Debbie’s!
Br
ALL
O
THEY GOTTA HAVE A TINY, TIGHT SEAT

N
CINDERELLA
THAT A SINGLE FRENCH FRY
WOULD MORE THAN SATISFY
THIS HUNGER DEEP INSIDE ME
77
BUT IN OUR FILMS AND BOOKS
IT’S ALL ABOUT OUR LOOKS
SO US HUNGRY GIRLS KEEP CRAVIN’

CRASH DIETING, POUND SHAVIN’
l
sa
ALL
UNTIL WE’RE GOING STARK-RAVING MAD
ru
CINDERELLA
Pe
N
SLEEPING BEAUTY
O
g
HÄAGEN DAZS
TI
s in
CINDERELLA
C
en
U
ALL
HÄAGEN DAZS
D
c
Li
(singing like angels now, they reach for an imaginary pint of

O
Häagen Dazs)
PR
ay
CINDERELLA
(breaking the pose)
dw
EVEN THOUGH
R
FO
oa
ALL
PRINCESSES ARE TAUGHT
TO RUN FROM ANYTHING SWEET
Br
CINDERELLA
(starting to lose control)
O
N
SWEET, SWEET, SWEET
ALL
78
CINDERELLA SNOW WHITE
THAT A HUNK OF STRING CHEESE
BRINGS MOMMA TO HER KNEES STRING CHEESE
SHE’S HUNGRY
AND FILLS FEED THAT BITCH
ME LIKE NO OTHER AWW
l
sa
ALL OTHERS
OTHER
ru
CINDERELLA ALL OTHERS
BUT IN A
Pe
FAIRY TALE AHH
N
ONLY SKINNY BITCHES PREVAIL AHH
O
g
CINDERELLA
SO WE GOTTA KEEP OUR HEART RATES PUMPIN’
TI
(they all do a quick grunt)
s in
C
en
U
JENNY-CRAIGING AND ROPE-JUMPIN’
D
c
Li
ALL
O
JUST TO KEEP FROM GETTING PLUMP AN’ YET
PR
ay
CINDERELLA
ALL I WANT
dw
THE LITTLE MERMAID, SNOW WHITE, HUA MULAN

R
& THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG

FO
oa
TO DO IS EAT
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Br
A Twinkie!
T
CINDERELLA
O
ALL I WANT
N
THE LITTLE MERMAID, SNOW WHITE, HUA MULAN

& SLEEPING BEAUTY
TO DO IS EAT

Meatballs!
79
CINDERELLA, SNOW WHITE, THE LITTLE MERMAID
& SLEEPING BEAUTY
(admonishing THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG)

TO CUT BACK ON RED MEAT
l
sa
HUA MULAN
(pulling the chopsticks from her hair...poised to eat)
ru
MEAT
Pe
(ALL PRINCESSES throw ‘side-eye’ to HUA MULAN)
N
CINDERELLA
O
g
TI
in
THE LITTLE MERMAID
s
C
A CHEETO
en
U
CINDERELLA
D
c
EAT
Li
O
SNOW WHITE
A DORITO
PR
ay
CINDERELLA
dw
EAT
R
HUA MULAN, SLEEPING BEAUTY

FO
oa
& THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG

A BURRITO
Br
CINDERELLA
T
EAT, EAT
O
N
SNOW WHITE
SOMETHIN’ FINGER-LICKIN’
CINDERELLA
EAT
80
HUA MULAN
LIKE A BUCKET OF CHICKEN
CINDERELLA
EAT
l
sa
A HOT DOG ON A STICK AN’
CINDERELLA
ru
EAT, EAT
I’M SO HUNGRY I’M GONNA EAT
Pe
N
SNOW WHITE
A QUARTER POUNDER
O
g
CINDERELLA
TI
GONNA EAT
s in
C
ALL
en
U
’TIL I’M ROUNDER
D
c
CINDERELLA
Li
GONNA EAT
O
THE LITTLE MERMAID
PR
ay
MY FRIEND FLOUNDER
MY FRIEND FLOUNDER
dw
EAT SUSHI
ALL I WANNA DO IS
R
FO
oa
(BAND breaks down...THE LITTLE MERMAID riffs on all the ways

she will cook and eat her friend Flounder...she suddenly realizes that
she has gone too far...the other PRINCESSES look at her with disgust...beat)
Br
It’s fish.
O
CINDERELLA
N
(scolding…throwing extreme Christian guilt)
He is your best friend.
THE LITTLE MERMAID

I’m starving!
81
(one by one, each of the PRINCESSES turn their backs on
THE LITTLE MERMAID...soon THE LITTLE MERMAID
looks to HUA MULAN)
HUA MULAN
I’d eat it.
l
sa
(SNOW WHITE snaps HUA MULAN into place... HUA MULAN
turns her back on THE LITTLE MERMAID, embarrassed, exits in
shame...CINDERELLA collects herself and continues)
ru
CINDERELLA
Pe
ALL I WANNA DO
N
ALL I WANNA DO
O
g
(she becomes caught up in the passion of finally eating after all
these years)
TI
ALL I WANNA DO
s in
C
OOOOO...OOOOOOOH...YA
en
U
(she pulls the Butterfinger candy bar out of her dress...she’s ready to
D
c
eat it but then fights with herself...she finally throws the candy bar
Li
offstage where THE LITTLE MERMAID just exited...CINDERELLA

O
collects herself)
PR
ay
IS EAT
dw
ALL
(except THE LITTLE MERMAID)
R
EAT
FO
oa
(THE LITTLE MERMAID reenters carrying the Butterfinger candy

bar...opened...she offers CINDERELLA a bite of the candy bar...after
Br
reveling in its aroma and a bit of hesitation, CINDERELLA takes a

T
big bite out of the candy bar)

O
ALL
N
(living vicariously through her...melting)

Oh!
(lights fade slowly to black...all exit except CINDERELLA and

HUA MULAN)
82
#18 CINDERELLA & HUA MULAN (UNDERSCORE)
(as the lights come up, CINDERELLA and HUA MULAN are discovered
on stage...they clean the stage floor...their hands inadvertently touch...
they make eye contact and have a moment...HUA MULAN stands and
offers a hand to help CINDERELLA up...CINDERELLA takes HUA
l
MULAN’s hand and stands...they run off the stage together hand in hand)
sa
ru
#19 A HAPPY TUNE?
Pe
(drum roll and tremolo)
N
SNOW WHITE
O
(from behind the curtain)
TI
in
And now...please welcome back to the stage...the one, the only...
s
C
(SNOW WHITE enters with a fake bluebird on her finger)
en
U
Me.
D
c
[SFX: Bird whistling]

Li
O
(mocking her Disney portrayal)
PR
ay
Why, what’s that you say?

dw

R
Oh, goodness. You’re right. We haven’t talked about them yet...so, since time is running
FO
oa
short...I’d like to dedicate this next ‘happy tune’ to all our Prince Charmings without
whom, we princesses wouldn’t be...
Br
(sarcastic now)
O
...where we are today.

N
(she giggles and is back to mocking the Snow White of the

animated movies)
BACK IN THE OLDEN DAYS

WHEN I HAD A CHORE TO DO
I’D WHISTLE THROUGH THE DAILY GRIND
UNTIL MY FACE TURNED BLUE
83

(strong, empowered SNOW WHITE now)
NOW, THE CENTURIES HAVE PASSED
l
sa
AND I PRAY THINGS CHANGE REAL SOON
‘CAUSE HERE I AM STILL WHISTLING
WHILE I’M DUSTING
ru
WHILE I’M BISSELING
Pe
AND AS A WOMAN
N
THAT GETS ME...BRISTLING
SO IT’S TIME
O
g
I CHANGED...THE TUNE
TI
(drum roll and tremolo)
s in
C
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back to the stage my very good friends...Cinderella
en
U
and Sleeping Beauty!
D
c
(they enter and pose...CINDERELLA holds a triangle and SLEEPING

Li
BEAUTY carries a duck call...they will censor the expletives in the

O
song as marked)
PR
ay
NOW, IF HE WANTS ME TO DO DISHES

THEN TO THAT I SAY (duck call) YOU
dw
AND IF HE WISHES I WOULD MOP THE FLOOR

R
WELL, HE CAN (triangle) THAT, TOO

FO
oa
HE THINKS I’LL CLEAN HIS HOUSE

THEN JUST SIT QUIET ON THE SHELF
Br
WELL, IF THAT’S THE FAIRY TALE HE WANTS

T
THEN HE CAN GO (duck call and triangle) HIMSELF

O
SNOW WHITE CINDERELLA & SLEEPING BEAUTY

N
FOR YEARS
FOR YEARS
WE’VE MADE THE BED
WE’VE MADE THE BED
AND WHISTLED SENSELESSLY
WHILE WE STAYED MUTE
WHILE WE STAYED MU...
84
SNOW WHITE
(cutting them off)
BUT NOW
WE MUST GROW SOME BRASS
AND STOP THIS MINDLESS WHISTLING
SNOW WHITE CINDERELLA & SLEEPING BEAUTY
l
sa
AND TELL
AND TELL
THAT PRINCE
ru
THAT PRINCE
TO TAKE HIS OUT-OF-DATE DEMANDS
Pe
AND STICK THEM UP HIS CHARMING
N
(duck call & triangle…the cacophony continues until SNOW
O
g
WHITE stops it)
TI
SO, WHEN HE
s in
SNOW WHITE
C
TELLS YOU TO DO LAUNDRY
en
U
CINDERELLA
D
c
I’D LIKE TO SEE HIM TRY

Li
O
SNOW WHITE
AND WHEN HE WANTS THE BATHROOM CLEANED
PR
ay
WELL, HE CAN EAT (triangle)

dw
SLEEPING BEAUTY
And die!
R
FO
oa
SNOW WHITE
AND IF HE DOESN’T SHAPE UP
HE CAN KISS MY (duck call) GOODBYE
Br
‘CAUSE I’LL WHISTLE STRAIGHT OUT

T
THAT FRONT DOOR

O
SLEEPING BEAUTY
N
AND THE GUY CAN MOP HIS OWN (triangle—2 hits) FLOOR
CINDERELLA
‘CAUSE I AIN’T GONNA TAKE IT UP THE
( loooong duck call…beat…then, innocently)
NO MORE
85
SNOW WHITE
(to AUDIENCE MEMBER)
That hit a little close to home, didn’t it?
NOW, WE’VE ONE LAST THING TO DO

AND THAT’S TO SAY I LOVE YOU DEARLY
BUT IF THINGS DON’T CHANGE
l
sa
THEN I’LL SIMPLY SAY
(they break into three-part harmony)
ru
SNOW WHITE
Pe
FUCK
N
SLEEPING BEAUTY
O
g
FUCK
TI
FUCK
s in
CINDERELLA
C
en
U
ALL THREE
(forcefully…not pretty)
D
c
YOU
Li
O
(CINDERELLA does “Shave and a Haircut” on the triangle...
SLEEPING BEAUTY does two last toots on the duck call...they pose,
PR
ay
empowered…SNOW WHITE waves CINDERELLA and SLEEPING

BEAUTY off...CINDERELLA exits...SLEEPING BEAUTY stays...
dw
she seems to have something on her mind)

R
SNOW WHITE
FO
oa
(to the AUDIENCE)

Okay, we’re running short on time, so we’re jumping to the finale!
Br
SLEEPING BEAUTY
T
(clearing her throat)

Excuse me, but uh...aren’t we forgetting a little something here?
O
N
SNOW WHITE
(through a smile…humoring SLEEPING BEAUTY)
No, Sleepy. We’re almost out of time, so we’re jumping to the finale.
SLEEPING BEAUTY
But I’m awake now and I’m ready to sing my song.
86
SNOW WHITE
(slightly stronger now)
Finale.
SLEEPING BEAUTY
(laughing now as she backs up to the curtains...through a forced
smile)
l
sa
Can we have a meeting?
ru
(she snaps her fingers…the curtains open)
Pe
SNOW WHITE
N
(feeling awkward)
O
g
Uh...okay. Sure.
TI
in
(SNOW WHITE, smiling to the AUDIENCE uncomfortably, begins
a slow walk backward, upstage, and steps behind the open curtain…
s
C
SLEEPING BEAUTY joins her...the curtains close)
en
U
SLEEPING BEAUTY
D
c
(behind the curtain)

Li
O
Why can’t I sing my song?
PR
ay
SNOW WHITE
dw
You’ve already had two chances, both of which you slept through--one in which you even
had an embarrassingly awkward moment with Cinderella’s broom! Really, Sleepy, I don’t
R
think I can stand one more idiotic, dimwitted assault on my intelligence!

FO
oa
CINDERELLA
Br
Hello!
T
SNOW WHITE
O
Oh, God.
N
(SNOW WHITE peeks her head out through the curtain...to the
AUDIENCE)
We’ll be right with you, folks. We’re having a few more technical difficulties...
(SNOW WHITE’s head gets pulled back through the curtain)
87
SLEEPING BEAUTY
(poking her head out through the curtain)
Hi. Um, no, there are no technical difficulties. I just don’t understand why I can’t sing my
song.
(SLEEPING BEAUTY’S head gets yanked back behind the curtain)
l
sa
SNOW WHITE
ru
And I don’t understand why she doesn’t understand that there’s no time...
Pe
N
(SNOW WHITE’s head gets pulled back through the curtain)
O
g
CINDERELLA
TI
in
And I don’t understand why, when the prince came looking for the girl who fit the glass
s
C
slipper, that I was the only one in the kingdom with a size seven. C’mon, girls, there are a
en
U
lot of size sevens out there—
D
c
(CINDERELLA gets pulled back through the curtain, mid-sentence)

Li
O
SLEEPING BEAUTY
PR
ay
Why can’t we just fit me in?

dw
SNOW WHITE
R

FO
oa
Because you just don’t fit in!

Br
(SLEEPING BEAUTY and CINDERELLA gasp at SNOW WHITE’s

T
statement...SLEEPING BEAUTY enters through the curtains, hurt

and angry...SNOW WHITE and CINDERELLA follow her onto the stage)
O
N
Okay, that’s not what I meant. You know what I meant.
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Oh, I know what you meant. I totally get it. I’m not the perfect princess with the perfect
hair and the perfect make-up and the perfect...
88
(she mimics the ‘perfect-princess-hands’ pose)
This! I thought tonight (today) wasn’t about being like...
l
sa
This. I thought maybe tonight (today) was about being like...
(she does a fun-loving pose)
ru
This. Or like...
Pe
N
(she does another fun-loving pose)
O
g
This. Or you can even try...
TI
in
(she does the biggest fun-loving pose of all)
s
C
This one on for size! But...
en
U
D
c
Li
This...
O
PR
ay
This.
dw

R
This...just isn’t me.

FO
oa
(beat)
Br
SNOW WHITE
T
(posing with ‘perfect-princess-hands’)

O
Oh, c’mon, Sleepy. That’s not fair. I didn’t mean that you had to be like this...
N
(still posing with ‘perfect-princess-hands)
I was just trying to keep the show moving. I wanted to get our message out...
(SNOW WHITE looks down at her hands and realizes that she’s been
forcing The Princess Complex on everyone)
89
Oh. I get it.
(beat…lowering her hands)
And you know what? I actually think your song would fit perfectly right here.
So...shouldn’t you go get ready?
l
sa
SLEEPING BEAUTY
(suddenly excited)
ru
Yes! Yes, I should.
Pe
(SLEEPING BEAUTY hugs SNOW WHITE and exits...
N
CINDERELLA throws her arms around SNOW WHITE)
O
g
SNOW WHITE
Okay, okay, okay...so I can be nice. Let it go.
TI
in
(both SNOW WHITE and CINDERELLA stiffen up, realizing the
s
C
nod to the popular song)
en
U
D
c
(carried away in the moment, they sing)

Li
O
CAN’T HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE
PR
ay
SNOW WHITE
(interrupting, mortified)
dw
We are not doing this right now! Go get ready.

R
FO
oa
(CINDERELLA begins to exit)

Br
(turning to each other)

T
THE COLD NEVER BOTHERED ME ANYWAY

O
N
(CINDERELLA exits)
SNOW WHITE
Okay, I’m going to need that mirror.
(she grabs the mirror from offstage and waves her hand magically at it)
90
And...
#20 PERFECT
l
(mark tree and “magic mirror” music)
sa
Mirror, mirror, in my hand
ru
Why who’s that I see
Pe
(the curtain opens...SLEEPING BEAUTY enters...SNOW WHITE
N
hands the mirror to her)
O
g
Go get ‘em.
TI
(SNOW WHITE exits)
s in
C
en
SLEEPING BEAUTY
U
I DON’T HAVE PERFECT LIPS
I DON’T HAVE PERFECT HAIR
D
c
MY SKIN IS SO
Li
O
NOT WHITE AS SNOW
NO
PR
I’VE GOT FRECKLES EVERYWHERE

ay
They’re just everywhere.

dw
AND I OFTEN FALL ASLEEP

ON THE THRONE AND ON THE FLOOR
FO
oa
SOMETIMES I EVEN SNORE

BUT LET ME SHARE
Br
THAT WHEN I SLEEP, I DREAM I’M PERFECT

T
A DAINTY LITTLE PRINCESS IN A MAGIC WOOD

O
WHERE I FLIT AROUND WITH GLEE

IN A GOWN THAT’S MADE BY GIVENCHY
N
‘CAUSE THAT’S THE GIRL I’M TOLD TO BE

IN MAGAZINES, ON MTV
AT THEME PARKS AND ON ABC
BUT THAT KIND OF GIRL
Scares the hell outta me! ‘Cause when I look in my mirror-mirror on the wall...
91
I REALLY, TRULY LIKE
THE GIRL I SEE
‘CAUSE I’M PERFECT

I’M PERFECTLY PERFECT
I LIKE THE SIZE OF MY NOSE
l
sa
I’m in love from my head to my toes
ru
I’M PERFECT JUST THE WAY THAT I AM
Pe
WHAT’S NOT TO LOVE ABOUT ME
N
NOW, THERE ARE THOSE WHO WILL TELL YOU
O
g
TO CORSET IT, SQUEEZE IT, AND CINCH
PINCH EV’RY INCH YOU CAN PINCH
TI
IT’S INSANITY
s in
C
WHY CAN’T WE SEE
en
U
THAT WHEN THIS GIRDLING, BELTING, AND
STRAPPING DEFINES WHO WE ARE
D
c
IT’S GONE TOO FAR

Li
O
And kids,
PR
ay
THAT’S NOT FOR ME

dw
I’VE GOT A BETTER IDEOLOGY

AND HERE’S WHAT MY MIRROR-MIRROR’S TELLING ME
R
FO
oa
I’M PERFECT
WHAT’S NOT TO LOVE ABOUT
Br
I’M HOT
T
I’LL STAND UP AND SHOUT IT OUT

O
I’VE GOT
N
THAT CERTAIN JE NE SAIS QUOI-LITY

PERFECTLY
Me!
92
Me!
HUA MULAN & FROG PRINCESS

Me!
THE LITTLE MERMAID
l
sa
Me!
PRINCESSES
ru
(except FOR SLEEPING BEAUTY)
Me and me and me...
Pe
N
SLEEPING BEAUTY
And me!
O
g
(dance break)
TI
C’mon girls, let’s take it home!
s in
C
en
U
ALL
Five, six, seven...
D
c
Li
I’M PERFECT
O
I’M PERFECTLY PERFECT
PR
ay
SLEEPING BEAUTY
THIS WOMAN HAS FOUND HER NICHE
dw
Who needs Abercrombie and Fitch?!

R
FO
oa
ALL
I’M PERFECT
Br
WHAT’S NOT TO LOVE ABOUT

T
I’M HOT
I’LL STAND UP AND SHOUT IT OUT
O
N
SLEEPING BEAUTY
GUESS WHAT
I’M PERFECTLY WILD ABOUT ME
ALL
LET’S AGREE THAT
WE OUGHT
93
ALL (CONT’D)
NEVER HAVE HAD A DOUBT
NOR THOUGHT
THAT WE COULDN’T TURN IT OUT
WE’VE GOT THAT CERTAIN JE NE SAIS QUOI-LITY!

‘CAUSE WE’RE PERFECT
l
sa
SNOW WHITE
PERFECT
ru
HUA MULAN
Pe
PERFECT
N
SLEEPING BEAUTY
O
g
I’M PERFECT
TI
PERFECT
s inALL
C
PERFECT, YOU SEE
en
U
D
c
Li
CINDERELLA, THE LITTLE MERMAID,

O
HUA MULAN & THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG
SHE’S PERFECT
PR
ay
SNOW WHITE
dw
PERFECT
R
HUA MULAN, SNOW WHITE, CINDERELLA,

FO
oa
THE LITTLE MERMAID & THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG
PERFECT
Br
SLEEPING BEAUTY
T
I’M PERFECTLY
I AM PERFECTLY
O
I’M PERFECTLY, PERFECTLY, PERFECTLY

N
(she slides up the octave into goofy head voice…Al Jolson-like big ending)
ME
x
I’m perfect just the way that I am!
(final pose...a church clock chimes)
94
CINDERELLA
O - M - F - G!
(the PRINCESSES gasp...did CINDERELLA just use profanity…

explaining)
Oh, My Fairy Godmother.
l
sa
(they are relieved)
ru
It must be getting close to nine-twenty-five! It’s almost nine-twenty-five! Nine-twenty-five!
You know what that means?
Pe
N
SLEEPING BEAUTY
That you finally learned to tell time?
O
g
CINDERELLA
TI
No. It means the show is almost over!
s in
C
SNOW WHITE
en
U
Well, in that case...we’d like to thank you for coming out tonight (today)...Mulan.
D
c
#20A OMFG/SNOW WHITE’S RIMSHOT

Li
O
(rimshot...HUA MULAN is caught off guard but takes the joke in stride)
PR
ay
CINDERELLA
Stop it! Look, we gotta hightail it outta here ‘cause we all know what happens when you
dw
hear that sound!

R
(the PRINCESSES have all heard this before from CINDERELLA)

FO
oa
The clock begins to chime, and then there’s all sorts of running down stairs and screaming,
and glass slippers flying everywhere and your coach turns into a pumpkin and the
Br
footmen become rats, and sure, at first they seem like they’re nice little rodents but, in
T
reality, rats and mice are vermin and they’re dirty and they carry diseases! And you can’t
O
trust them because they have those beady little eyes that hypnotize you into thinking that
they’re cute and fuzzy and furry and friendly but the truth of the matter is that all they
N
want to do is multiply and take over the world and before you know it, they’re
everywhere! They’re in Tokyo...and Hong Kong...and Shanghai...and Paris...and cruise
ships to the Caribbean...and they’re even on Main Street USA, taking pictures with your
children and signing autographs!
(beat)
95
SNOW WHITE
Hakuna Matata, Cinderella.
(beat…change of heart)
You know what? You’re right.
l
sa
CINDERELLA
I am?
ru
(with more confidence now)
I am!
Pe
N
SNOW WHITE
Yes, you are. I mean, The Princess Complex is everywhere. But tonight (today), we stood
O
g
up against it.
TI
And we did it together!
s in
SLEEPING BEAUTY
C
en
U
SNOW WHITE
Yes, we did. And now it’s time.
D
c
Li
O
#21 ONCE UPON A TIME
PR
ay

It’s time we took those well-worn fairy tales and movies with their misguided messages,
dw
and make them what they really ought to be. Nothing more than just once upon a time.
R
ONCE UPON A TIME

FO
oa
A PRINCESS ATE AN APPLE

POOR GIRL DROPPED DEAD
RIGHT THERE ON THE SPOT
Br
SLEEPING BEAUTY
O
ONCE UPON A TIME

A PRINCESS PRICKED HER FINGER
N
AND AFTER THAT, THAT PRINCESS SLEPT
An awful lot.
CINDERELLA
ONCE UPON A TIME
A PRINCESS IN GLASS SLIPPERS
96
WENT TO THE BALL
SO SHE COULD LEAVE HER BROOM BEHIND
SNOW WHITE, SLEEPING BEAUTY & CINDERELLA

NO MATTER THE STORY
WE WERE CONVINCED
l
sa
THAT HAPP’LY EVER AFTER
MEANT BEING SAVED BY A PRINCE
ru
(with empowerment and determination now)
Pe
WELL, THAT WAS ONCE UPON A TIME
N
ALL
O
g
THAT WAS ONCE UPON A TIME
TI
ONCE UPON A TIME
s in
C
A PRINCESS GOT SOME COLOR
en
U
JUST TO MAKE A STUDIO SOME LOOT
D
c
THE LITTLE MERMAID

Li
ONCE UPON A TIME

O
A PRINCESS FROM THE OCEAN
GAVE UP EV’RYTHING SHE HAD
PR
ay
FOR A GUY SHE THOUGHT WAS CUTE

dw
HUA MULAN
ONCE UPON A TIME
R
PRINCESSES WOULD DIE FOR

FO
oa
A HANDSOME STRANGER
TO BRING THEM BACK TO LIFE
Br
(she winks at CINDERELLA)

T
ALL
O
AND NO MATTER THE STORY

N
WE WERE CONVINCED

THAT PRINCESSES IN CASTLES
97
ALL
WEARING BALL GOWNS WITH TASSELS
ARE THE ONLY WOMEN
LIVING HAPP’LY EVER AFTER SINCE
WELL, THAT WAS ONCE UPON A TIME
HUA MULAN
l
sa
NOW, THERE’S MUCH MORE TO THE STORY
ALL
ru
WE’RE SO OVER
SONGS THAT RHYME
Pe
N
AND MOVIES THAT IGNORED ME
O
g
YAH
TI
AND WE PAY THE PRICE
s inALL
C
en
U
SNOW WHITE
WHILE THEY SELL US OUT ON STAGE AND ICE
D
c
Li
CINDERELLA
O
I THOUGHT TALKING MICE WERE SUBLIME
BUT THAT WAS ONCE UPON A
PR
ay
ALL
dw
TIME
R
HUA MULAN
FO
oa
WHEN GIRLS WERE SECONDARY
ALL
Br
ONCE UPON A TIME

T
WHEN OUR ONLY GOAL WAS TO GET MARRIED

WE’RE SO BEYOND
O
EV’RY CHEESY SEQUEL WE HAVE SPAWNED

N
WE USED TO LIKE...ANAHEIM
BUT THAT WAS ONCE UPON A TIME

AH-AH
98
(the PRINCESSES strike an empowered pose...BLACKOUT...
they disappear)
#22 BOWS—ONE MORE HAPP’LY EVER AFTER (REPRISE)
l
(after the PRINCESSES have returned and taken their bows)
sa
SNOW WHITE
ru
WE’LL STEAL THE
HORSES FROM THE STABLE
Pe
N
TROT AS FAST AS WE ARE ABLE
O
g
CINDERELLA
TI
THROUGH THE FOREST, WITH THE NOTION
s in
C
THE LITTLE MERMAID
en
THAT WE’LL RIDE UP TO THE OCEAN
U
SLEEPING BEAUTY
D
c
WHERE WE’LL TAKE OUR FINAL WHIFF

Li
O
HUA MULAN
PR
AS WE ALL GALLOP OFF A CLIFF

ay
SNOW WHITE
dw
AND AS WE PLUNGE INTO THOSE SEAS

R
SLEEPING BEAUTY & CINDERELLA

FO
oa
WE’LL CHANNEL THELMA AND LOUISE
ALL
Br
THEN SURELY EVERYONE WILL SEE

T
THAT WE’LL DIE EVER HAPPILY

O
KNOWING THAT
N
(all, in unison, take a huge, comical, deep breath)
WE’LL
FI-NAL-LY
BE
99
SNOW WHITE
(holding up CINDERELLA’s broom a la Elphaba from Wicked)
FREE - EE - EE - EEEEEE
ALL OTHERS
FREE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE
l
sa
CINDERELLA
Free!
ru
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Pe
Free!
N
ALL
O
g
WE FINALLY ARE FREE
TI
(final pose...BLACKOUT)
s in
C
en
U
#23 EXIT MUSIC—PERFECT (INSTRUMENTAL)
D
c
Li
O
THE END
PR
ay
dw
R
FO
oa
Br
T
O
N
100
DISENCHANTED!
l
sa
ru
BOOK, MUSIC & LYRICS BY
Pe
DENNIS T. GIACINO
N
O
g
TI
DEVELOPED WITH in
s
C
FIELY MATIAS
en
U
D
c
Li
O
PR
ay
dw
R
FO
oa
Br
SCORE SAMPLE
T
O
N
02/18/20
Br
oa
dw
N ay
O
T Li
FO cen
R s in
PR g
O Pe
D ru
U
C sa
TI l
O
N
NO. 1.
ONE MORE HAPP'LY EVER AFTER
(Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty) Dennis T. Giacino
ANNOUNCER:
"And now...
[MUSIC]... (SW reads from book)
from lands far, [MUSIC]
far away..."
œ œ œ. œœ˙ œ œ ˙
l
"...and Sleeping (follow dialogue) +Tri.
# œœœ œ
sa
œ.
Beauty!" [MUSIC OUT]
& c ∑ Ó Œ
P
ru
rubato
?# c U
Piano
∑ œ œ
œœ œœ œœœ œœœ ˙˙˙ œœœ
Pe
œœœ
æ &
ßp w
N
w
>
O
g
TI
SW: "...and soon after...[CHORD]
they were married." [GO ON]
s in
C
U
œœ œ
+B. tree
w œ. œ œ œ. œ
en
# www œ œ œ œ œ œ œ. œ
U
J
6
&
D
c
Li
O
# U
Pno.
œ œ œ
œ
& ww œ œ œ œ ˙˙˙ ˙˙˙ ˙˙
˙
PR
œ œ
ay
dw
SB: "...and soon after...[CHORD]

FO
oa
C: "...and soon after...[CHORD] they were married." [GO ON] ALL: "Not exactly."
U
they were married." [GO ON]
U
SW: "Hit it!"
w œ ˙
# www œ œ œ œœ œœ œ œ˙˙ œ œ œœ œœ œ œ˙ œ ˙˙˙
[GO ON]
U
œœœœ œœœœ Œ "
Br
a tempo
∑
10
& œ œ ˙ œœœœ
T
Ó
O
F
# U œ œœ œ U U œœ œœ œ "
Pno.
œ œ œ œ œ œ œœ .
N
& w
?
œ œ œ ˙ ∑ .
J œ
fl
Copyright© 2006-2020 by Dennis T. Giacino

All Rights Reserved
ONE MORE HAPP'LY EVER AFTER
2
Uœ U
(long)
# œ œ œ Uœ œ œ " œ
SNOW WHITE:
colla voce
œ j
16
& œ œ œ œ œ
3
œ œœœ œ. œ œ. œ œ œ œ
Skin as white as snow. Lips cher - ry red e ed. A
U U
# U "Œ
˙˙˙ Œ Ó ˙˙ œœ œœ ˙˙ ..
16
& œœœ œœœ ˙

œ œ
P U
l
j
rubato
sa
U̇ ‰ œ ˙ ˙.
Pno.
? # œœ .. œ ˙ U "Œ
œ Œ Ó w.
J u
ru
Pe
# U
N
faster
œ œ œ œ . œ ‰ œj
19
& œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
œ œ
O
g
TI
19
&
#
in
mil - lion dol - lar crown with shi - ny jewels sits on my pret - ty, lit - tle head. A
U
cas - tle on a hill,
œœœ ˙
A
œœ œœ œœ œœ œ œœ ˙˙
s
˙˙˙
C
œœ œœ
en
U
j j Uœ .
Pno.
? # œj œ j œ j œ
faster rubato
œ œJ œ j
œ œ D œ œ. œ #œ
c
J œ nœ
Li
O
PR
ay
# U
œ œ
& œ œ œ œ œ ‰ œ œ œ ‰
22
œ œ œ
dw
œ œ
R
FO
hand - some prince for kiss - ing. There’s noth - ing that’s gone miss - ing From the
oa
# U
& œ˙˙ œ œ œ œœ Œ ˙˙˙
22
œ ˙˙
‰ ˙
Br
œ ˙
J
T
Œ
O
Pno.
?# ˙ œ nœ œ
œ œ ˙
˙ nœ u ˙
Ó
N
(CINDERELLA steps forward ONE MORE HAPP'LY EVER AFTER
3
U
to sing but SW isn't quite finished yet)
"
(riff)
# œ œ œ œœœ œ œ œ œ œ œ œœœ œ œ œ œ œ " œ œœœ œ œ œ œ œ

24
& œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
fai - ry tales you’ve read. read. read.
# U" U" U"

˙˙ ˙˙ ˙˙
24
& ˙˙ ˙˙ ˙˙ ˙˙
˙
U˙ " U˙ " U˙ "
l
sa
œ
Pno.
?# œ ˙ ˙ ˙
œ
ru
U
# ~œ "
Allegretto q=100
SW: "Go."
Pe
Œ Œ ‰ j
CINDERELLA:
œ
26
& œ œ œ œ œ œ
œ œ œ ˙. œ
N
O
I own ball gowns made of taf - fe - ta and silk. Hair;
# Ó"
g
Œ Œ œ œœ œœ œœ
26
& œœ œ œœ œœ ˙˙
TI
in
œ
˙˙
s
poco rit.
j œ. œ. œ œ
C
Pno.
?# Ó "
dolce
Œ Œ œ œ œ
en
U
D
c
# U
"
SLEEPING BEAUTY:
œ œ œ œ œ ‰ œj œ
Li
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
29
& œ œ œ œ œ œ
O
PR
ay
yel - low as the daf - fo - dil, skin; pure and smooth as milk. I dream of nev - er - end - ing youth, no
U œ U
# œœ n œœœ
a tempo
˙ œœ Œ Œ
a tempo rit.
œœ
29
& œœ œ œœ # ˙˙
dw
œœ
R
. œ Uœ œ œ œ n œœ U
? # œj œ . œ œ œœ Œ
Pno.
#œ œ
FO
oa
Œ
J
Br
SW: "Would you SW/

T
# U
wake up?!" C/
‰ "
SB:
œ œ
32 SW:
& œ œ œ œ œ œ
O
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
N
œ
wrink - les and no lines. 'Cause it's time we told the world the truth that
# ˙ U " ‰
& ˙ œ Œ
32
œœ œ œ œ œ.
œ
˙˙ œ
œ U
Pno.
?# Œ œ œ œ Œ"
œ œ
NO. 11. FINALLY Dennis T. Giacino
(The Princess Who Kissed The Frog, Snow White,

Cinderella, The Little Mermaid, Hua Mulan)
Cue: SW: “Momma's gonna need you to focus!"

(SW & C pose)
Excitedly dainty q=116
l
# 2
sa
& # 4 .. ∑ ∑ .. œ œ # œ . œ
SW/C: accel.
œ œ #œ œ œ #œ œ
C:
œ œ
ru
It’s so keen, it's down - right swell that she’s stand - ing here with
. . . œ. œ. # œ-
# # 2 . œœ. œ # œœ œœ. œ œœ . œœ. œ # œœ- œœ. œ œœ.
Pe
& 4 . . œ œ
N
p
O
g
#
Piano accel.
& # 42 .. œ œ. œ . œ œ œ. œ
œ. . œ . . œ. . œ .
œ œ. œ œ. œ œ
TI
.
s in œ. œ. œ. .
C
en
U
U
# D ˙ œ Œ
c
FROG PRINCESS:
& # Ó ∑ Ó ∑
6
Li
O
PR
Me!
## U
Œ ‰"œ # œ
ay
œ nœ œ
œ œ œ œ œ œ nœ œ œ œ œ nœ
SW/C: rit. SW:
& œ ∑
dw
U U
Cin - der - ell... It's a well - told tale that we'd like to tell. And it stars... Yes, it’s
. - . n œ. œ- .œ n œ. œ- n œœ- œœœ- # ˙˙˙

# # œœ. œ œœ œ
nœ œ nœ œ nœ ∑"
FO
oa
~~~~
&
Br
## U U
rit.
˙
Pno.
œ "
T
& œ œ n œ n œ. œ . œ
n œ. n œ. œ n n œœ- œ- ˙˙ ?
œ Œ
œ. . œ . .
~~~
O
œ.
N

All Rights Reserved
FINALLY
2
# r
œ . œ 44
(Operatically)
& # ∑ Ó ∑ Œ ‰ ≈ œ œ nœ
12 a tempo FP:
##
And e - ven though I
4
œ œ # œ . œ œ œ œ œ# œ œ œ # œ œ œ ‰ Ó
SW/C:
& œ œ J 4
ta - ken time to see the light of a mo - vie screen so big and bright
## 44
œœ œ. # œœ œ. œœ œœ œ. # œœ œœ œ. œ n œœ. n œ. œœ
12
l
& œœ
sa
. - . - . - . œ- -
. .
? # # œ. œ œ . œ œ. œ. . œ . œ. œ . œ . œ. œ n œ. n œ œ. œ 4
ru
Pno. a tempo
œ œ œ œ. 4
Pe
N
# # 4 rit. n œ ˙" Œ ∑ ###
& 4 œ ∑ ∑
17
O
g ˙ " œ j" j U U # #
TI
#
& # 44 Ó
still sound white.
C:
Œ "œ ˙w
in j
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ #
œ J J œ œ
SW:
s
C
en
U
U U
She's free... Free to be part of the roy - al men -a - ge -
" ˙ " œ #
## 4 n œ ˙ # œœœ œ œ ˙˙ œœ œ œ œœœ œ œ œ j"‰ œœ # #
rit.
Œ D
c
& 4 n œœ œœ # ˙˙ œœœ
17
œœ œ œ
Li
O
. ˙ " œ. fl
nœ ˙" œ œ . Uœ Uœ # #
œ ˙
Pno.
? ## 4 n œ œ ‰. " ‰
PR
Œ œ
ay
4 J J J œ
- #
dw
SW: “Please help us welcome...

R
The Princess
Who Kissed The Frog." Slower (Quasi Recitative)
###
42
FO
∑ .. ∑ .. ‰ . r Œ
FP:
oa
21 a tempo Safety
& œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
œ œ œ œ
Br
### ˙ .. .. 42
T
When I was a girl, all I e - ver want -ed to be
& ˙ Ó ∑ ∑ ∑
O
###
rie.
N
j
.. .. œœœœ ˙˙˙˙ 42
21
& œ œ œ œ ggg www œœ ..

œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œ.
P
? ### œ .
Pno. colla voce
. œ œ œ œ .. ww œœ . œ ˙ 42
a tempo
˙ œ œ . J
FINALLY
3
### 2 3 ‰ j 44
3
& 4 ‰ œ œœ œ
25
4
3 3
œ œ œœ œ œ œ œ œ
œ œœ œ œ œ œ œ œ
### 2
was a sto - ry - book prin -cess. When I was a ba - by, I hoped and prayed may - be I’d
& 4 ˙˙˙˙ 43 œœœ œ ˙˙˙˙ 44

25
œ gg ˙˙˙ ˙˙
g ˙
? ### 2 ˙
Pno.
3 4 ˙
4 ˙. ˙
l
4 4 ˙
sa
˙
###
ru
j
(Lilting, sweet)
‰œ œ œ œ 3 6 œ œ œœ œ œ œ œ œ œ
˙ 4 œ œ ˙
28
& 8 œ œ.
œ
Pe
N
### j
be a sto - ry book prin -cess. I had a dream to be part of that team and
43 œ˙˙ . œ œ œ œ 68 œœ j œœ œœœ œœœ œj

28
&
O
w‰w ˙ . œ œœœ .. ‰ œ
g
œ
œ
œ ˙. ˙ .. ‰ œ . œ.
J
TI
Pno.
? ###
in
w 43 ˙ . 68 ˙ . ˙.
s
C
en
U
### U U A Little faster
4
n œ œ œ . œj œ œ j
32
& œ œ. œ œ œ œ. œ œ 4 ˙ D
c
œ. œ œ œ
Li
O
bet - ter late than ne - ver, that's a fact. And now I am that sto - ry book
U
PR
ay
### œ . 44 œ œ gg n # ˙˙˙
œœ .. n œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ
32
& œ œ œ Œ. œ œ œ ggg ˙˙ œ
nœ œ œœ œ
dw
? ### ˙ .
Pno.
44 w w w
FO
oa
Br
q=144
### Œ Ó ∑ ∑
T
36 "Motown-esque" FP: “That's right! I made it!”
& ˙. œ œ œ œ œ ˙
O
œ
N
¨
prin -cess that's fin - ‘lly gone black!
###
œœœ œ œœ ˙˙ œœœ Œ Ó
36
& œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œ n œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ n œœœ
f
? # # # ‰w œ . ˙ œœ̈ Œ
Pno.
Ó œ œ œ œ œ œ
œ œ œ œ œ œ
NO. 14. NOT VONE RED CENT Dennis T. Giacino
(Rapunzel, Snow White, Cinderella, Hua Mulan)
SW/C:
"Ladies *und gentlemen, please **willkomen...Rapunzel!" [MUSIC]
*(exaggerate "und" to sound like "ooont.")
**(pronounced "villkommen")
RAPUNZEL:
"Und now...I sing!"
Weilly unt Wagnery
b 2 U
l
&b 4 ∑ ∑ ∑ Ó
(RAPUNZEL enters) RAPUNZEL:
œ œ œ œ œ
sa
œ œ œ. œ
ru
˙˙˙ ˘œ U
Mine is a tale of pain and voe; A
? b b 42 b ˙˙˙˙˙ ˙ œœ
œœ
b œœ n œœ œœœ ‰ Œ
b œœ n œœ ˙˙ j
Pe
&
J ˙˙ œ. œœ
# œœ .. œ.
N
f > >
F
colla voce
j ‰ UŒ
Piano
O
? b b 42 j j
g
œœ . œœ œœ . œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ ˙ j
. . #œ. œ.
TI
s in
fl
> >
C
b ‰ ≈ r œ œ œ œj œ j
en
&b œ œ ‰ œ œœ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ‰œ
7
U
œ œ œ
D
c
deep, dark tra-ge - dy! Und I've got a sto - ry, it's a vell - told al - le - go - ry. No lies, no
Li
b ‰ œj œj ‰ j j j
O
& b œœ œœ œ œœœ ‰ ‰ œœœ Œ
7
œœ œœ œœœ ... œœœ œœœ # œœœ œœœ

œ. œ. # œœ # œœœ
PR
. fl > >
ay
Pno. fl fl
? bb ‰ œj œj ‰
dw
. j j‰ ‰ j Œ
R
œ. œ. œ fl œ. œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
fl > > œ
FO
oa
fl
U
(Loud, guttural,
U U U
bb
a tempo
Br
Œ Œ "Œ ‰ j
drawn out)
‰ j Œ œ œ ¿ Œ
13
& œ œ œ œ œ #œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
T
~~~
O
œ. " U U
fibs, no cock no cock und bull. Nein! I’ve got a yarn zat I vill
b œ ‰ Œ Œ UŒ U
& b Œ #œ Œ œ bœ œ Œ Œ
N
?
13
& J # ˙˙æ˙ ˙˙æ˙ œœ

œœ
œœ
œœ
# œœ fl ˙ ˙ œ
fl U
~~~~
U U ‰
Pno.
? bb Œ "∑
a tempo
Œ Œ Œ ˙æ ˙æ j‰ Œ j
~~~~
œ œ ˙ ˙ œ œ œ
~~~~
œ œ œ ˙
~
fl fl fl
All Rights Reserved
NOT VONE RED CENT
2
RAPUNZEL:
b j ≈ r
&b œ œ‰ Œ Œ ≈
21 "Of a catastrophe!"
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
. j
spin for you und it's a vop - per See, it’s a - bout ze vay zat
b j j ‰ ‰ j
& b # ˙˙˙ ‰ n œœ ‰
21
œ b œœ œœ
˙ Óœœ œ œœ n œœ
œœ
œ.
œœ
œ.
fl fl
l
‰
Pno.
j ‰ ‰ j
sa
? b
colla voce
b j œ œ ‰ j ‰ œ œ
#œ œ
œ œ œ œ œ j œ. œ.
#˙ . fl œ
ru
fl
Pe
b
&b œ j ‰ ‰
25
N
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
O
g
I’m dis - played on - line on ze Vorld Vide Veb and on sale at ze lo - cal
b
& b œj ‰ j
TI
‰ j ‰ in ‰ j j ‰ ‰ j
25
œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ ˙
. œ. # œ. œ. # œ. œ. # ˙˙
s
C
en
Pno.
j j j j
U
? b b œj ‰ j
decrescendo poco a poco
‰ œ œ ‰ ‰ œ œ ‰ ‰ œ ˙
œ. œ. Dœ. œ. ˙
c
œ. œ.
Li
O
PR
ay
Brunhildesque (LOUD!)
b U j
&b ~ ‰
œ # œ œ ~~~~~ œ # œ œ . j j ‰ ≈ œ œ œ œ. j j ‰ ≈¿ ¿ ¿
29
dw
œ œ œ œ
R
fl fl fl fl
FO
oa
Dol - lar Tree. I find my - self On ev - ’ry Val - mart shelf und dis Valt
U
bb
a tempo
œ Œ ‰ Œ ≈ œœ œœ œœ ˙ Œ
œ˙˙ # œ œ
29
& œœœ ... œœ œœ œœ œœ

Br
œœ œ. œ œ œ ˙˙ œ- œ œ œ
T
f
O
Pno.
π
? bb U j j j j
Œ œ. œ œ ‰ œ œ ‰
N
˙ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ. œ œ œ- œ œ œ
> fl fl
NOT VONE RED CENT
3
b U U UU
&b ¿ ¿ ¿ Œ ‰ œ œ #œ œ œ œ ˙ j j œ
35
¿ ¿ ¿
˙ ~~~~~~~~ œ œ œ
Dis-ney has pimped me out to ze suits on ol’ Vall Street. Now I’m on...
bb U ‰ ¿ UŒ j U U U
˙ œ ‰Œ ‰ ‰ ‰ ‰
35
& œœ ... #˙œ˙ #œ nœ

œ ˙˙ œœ
TRI fl
U
Pno.
l
? b U U U U
sa
b ‰ ∑ j‰ Œ ‰ ‰ ‰ ‰
œ. ˙ ˙ œ
œ
ru
fl
Pe
Very slowly, teasing q=50
j
N
b
accel. poco a poco
&b ‰ œ "‰ ‰ ≈ r
œ œ œj œ
41
œ œ #œ œ œ œ #œ œ œ œ #œ œ #œ œ
O
g
TI
t - shirts, I’m on
s in
tea sets, hell, I’m e - ven on your vatch! Und I’ve seen my face most
C
(pretend you're playing
. . . .
an accordion at Oktoberfest)
j
en
b . . œœ ‰ "Œ
&b ‰ j
U
41
œ #œ œ œ
œœ œœœ œœœ œ œœœ œœœ # œœœ œ œ œ #œ œ œ œ #œ œ
œ œ œ œ fl # œ. œ. œ.
D
c
Li
O
Pno. accel. poco a poco
? bb ‰ j ‰ "Œ
œ ‰ œ ‰ œ ‰ œ ‰ œ ‰ ‰ œ ‰
PR
œ œ œ œ
ay
œ œ fl œ
œ
dw
b > "
R
& œ œ œ # œ œ œ œ # œ œ œ œ . œJ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ‰ ‰ œ œ
b
46
FO
oa
ev - ’ry place, I’m on Pam - pers near ze ba - by's crotch! You can e - ven find my kis - ser on your
b . . . j ‰ œj " ‰ ‰ œj ‰ œj
Br
& b ‰ œj
46
œœ œœ # œœ œ œœ œœ
œ œœœ œœœ œœ
# œ. # œœ.
œœ
T
œ. œ œ œ œ > . . . # œœ. œœ. œœ.

O
Pno.
? b ‰ ‰ Œ " œ ‰ œ ‰ œ ‰ œ‰
N
b ‰ œ œ ‰ œ œ
œ œ œ œ œ
œ œ œ
NO. 21.
ONCE UPON A TIME Dennis T. Giacino
(Company)
SNOW WHITE:
"Yes, we did. And now it's time." [MUSIC]
"It’s time we took those well-worn fairy tales and
Andante moderato q=90 movies with their misguided messages, and make them
what they really ought to be. Nothing more than just once upon a time."
4 œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œœ œ œ œ œ œ ˙˙
legato
b œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙˙
rit.
& 4 œ œ
l
sa
P
4
Piano
&b 4 œ œ
?
œœ œ œ ˙˙ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙˙
ru
œ œ œ œ œ
Pe
‰ œj œ
N
&b
SNOW WHITE:
j
5
œ œ œ œ œ œ œœ œ
3
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ. œ œ œ œ œ œ
O
g
One u - pon a time a prin -cess ate an ap - ple, Poor girl dropped dead right there on the
TI
5
& b ˙˙˙ ˙˙˙

s
˙˙˙
˙
in œœœ œœ
˙˙˙ œœœ œœ
C
p œ œ
en
?b œ œ œœ œ œ œ œœ œ œ
œœ œ œ œœ
U
œ œ
Pno.
œ
D
c
Li
O
SLEEPING BEAUTY:
& b j‰ Œ Ó j
8
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ. œ œ
PR
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
ay
spot. One u - pon a time a princ - cess pricked her fin - ger,
dw
&b ˙˙˙ œœ œœ œœ œœ ˙˙˙ ˙˙

8
˙ ˙˙ œœœœ ... j ˙˙˙

R
˙ . œ
FO
oa
? b œ œ œ œœ œœœ œ œ
Pno.
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
œ œ œ œ
Br
&b ‰ j œ œ œ ≈¿ ¿ ¿ j ‰ Œ 42 ∑ 44
11
œ œ
O
œ œ œ ¿
N
And af - ter that, that prin - cess slept an aw - ful lot.
& b œœœ œœœ œœ œœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ 42 œœ œœ œœ œœ 44

11
œ œ œ œ œ œ
. œœ ..
? b œœ . œœ j œœ .. œœ 24 œœœ œœ
Pno.
œ 44
J œ œ œ œ. œ
J
œ

All Rights Reserved
ONCE UPON A TIME
2
4
CINDERELLA:
& b 4 œ œ œ œ œ œ œ. j œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ‰œ œ œ œ œœ œ œ œ
14
œ J œ
Once u - pon a time a prin -cess in glass slip - pers Went to the ball so she could leave
4
& b 4 œœœ œ œœ
œœ œ œœ œ œœœ œ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœ
œœ œœ
14
œœ œœ œœ œ œœ
# œœœ œœ
? b 44 œœ .. œœ j œœ j j
Pno.
œ . œ ˙˙ œ œ œ #œ. œ
l
œ. œ œ. œ ˙ œ.
sa
J
ru
2 r
j 44
SW/SB/C:
&b œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙ œ œ œœ œ œ œ œ ‰ . œ
17
4 œ. œ œ œ œ œ
Pe
N
her broom be - hind. No mat - ter the sto - ry, we were con - vinced That
2 4
O
& b œœ œœ œœ ˙˙
œœœ .. œœj 4 œœ œ œ œ 4 œœœ œ œœ œœ
17
g
œ n œœœ . œ œœ œ œ œ œ ˙
TI
in
œ œ œ œ œ œœ
Pno.
?b œ œ . œœ 42 œ œ
œ œ 44 œ
s
C
nœ œ œ œ œ
en
U
D
c
&b œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ Œ ≈ œ
(with empowerment)
œœ œ ˙ œ œ œ. œ. œ
21
œ
Li
O
œ
PR
ay
happ - ’ly e - ver af - ter meant being saved by a prince. Well, that was once up - on a
œ
j ˙˙˙˙
& b b œœœ œœ œœœ œœ œœœ œœ œœ œ œœœœ œœœœ œœœœ œ œ œ œœœ ‰ Œ
21
œ œœœ
dw
J‰ Œ
R
œœ œœ œœ œœ j
Pno.
?b bœ œ œ œ œ œ œœœ œ ‰Œ Ó
FO
œ œ œ
oa
bœ œ œ œ
Br
Ó #
T
&b w Œ ‰ œ œ œ . œ œ . œ ww˙ # ˙˙˙

24 ALL:
˙
O
N
time.
#
That was once up - on a time.
& b œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œ œ

24
œ- œ- œ- œœœœ œ- œ- œ- œ- # œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œ
- - - - - -
.
j œœœ .. œœœ œœœ œœœ #
Pno.
?b j j j œ œ j
œ. œ œ. œ œ. œ œ. œ œ. œ J
ONCE UPON A TIME
3
# ≈ ‰œ œ œ œ œ œœ œ œ
FROG PRINCESS:
œ œ
28
& œ œ œ œ œ œ œ . œr œ œ œ œ œ
Once u - pon a time a prin-cess got some co - lor Just to make a stu -di -o some
#
œœ ... # œr œœœ œœœ n œœ œ œ œœ
28
& œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ
œ
œœ
œ œ
œœ œœ œœ
œ- œ- œ œ œ œ œ œ
p
j j
Pno. sim.
?# . œ. œ #œ œ. œ œ œ œ.
b œ n œ œ œ bœ nœ. œ
l
œ. œ
sa
œ. œ bœ nœ. œ œ. œ #œ œ. œ œ œ œ. œ bœ nœ. œ
ru
#
œ Œ Ó ≈ r
LITTLE MERMAID:
œ œ
31
& œ œ œ œ œ œ œ.
Pe
œ œ œ œ. œœ
N
loot. Once u - pon a time a prin - cess from the o - cean
#
O
œœ œœœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œ œ
œ œ œœœ œœœ œœœœ
31
& œœ œj œœ
g
œ œ œœ œ œœ œœ œœ œœ
.
TI
Pno.
in j
? # œ. j
s
œ #œ œ. œ œ œ œ. j œ œ.
C
œ œ. œ œ. œ œ œ
en
œ. œ #œ œ. œ œ œ
U
D
c
# œ œ œ. œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
& ‰ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ 42
Li
34
œ œ œ
O
PR
ay
Gave up ev - ’ry - thing she had for a guy she thought was cute.
# œ œœœ œœœ
œ œ œ œ œ œ œœ œœ 42
34
& œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
dw
œ œ œ œ œ œ
R
œœ œœ œœ ..
Pno.
?# œ œœ 2
FO
œ œ. œ
oa
œ œ œ œ J 4
Br
#
HUA MULAN:
œ 44 œ . œ œ
& 42 œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
36
œ ˙
O
N
Once up-on a time prin - ces - ses would die for

#
& 42 œœœ
44 œœ œœ œœ œœ
œœœ œœœ
36
œœ œœ œœœ œœœ œœ œœ œœ
œ
? # 42 œœœ œœ j
œœ œœ .. œ
Pno.
œ 44 œ .. œœ œœ .. œœ œœ . œ
œ J .
J J
NO. 8. (ALTERNATE) FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES Dennis T. Giacino
(Optional replacement for NO. 8.)
(Snow White, Pocahontas, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty)
Waltz in 1 (Ó.= 65)

bb 3
& b b 4 œœ œœ œ
œœ
œ
œœ
œ œ œ œ œ
œœ Œ Œ ∑
l
œ œ n œœ œœ œœ œœ
sa
f > > > > > > > > >
E b5 B b/F E b/G F
ru
Piano
? bb 3 œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ Œ Œ
bb 4 œ œ œ
Pe
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ > œ œ
> > > > > > > > œ œ
N
œ
O
g
5
bbbb
TI
&
SNOW WHITE:
œ œ œ œ œ Œ Œ
s
œ œ œ œ
in
SLEEPING BEAUTY:
œ
Œ Œ
CINDERELLA:
œ œ œ œ
‰ j
œ œ œ
C
en
Look at me, I’m sweet Look at me, I’m shy Me– I’m brain - free with -out a
b
& b bb Œ
U
Œ œ œ Œ Œ œ œ Œ œœ œ Œ œœ œœ
5
œœ œœ œ œ. œœ œœ œ œ. œ. .
. D
c
Ab D b (add 2)
Li
O
Fm
? bb b Œ Œ
b œ œ Œ Œ œ
Œ Œ
œ
Œ Œ œ Œ Œ œ Œ Œ
PR
œ œ
ay
œ œ œ œ
dw
bbbb
R
Œ Œ
11 SW/C/SB:
& œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙ œ œ œ œ œ
œ
FO
oa
clue as to why We are so dit - zy, we’re help -less - ly frail but we’re hap - py as
œ œ
Br
Œ
bbb œ œ œ ˙ œ œ b .
b Œ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ b œœ œœ ˙˙˙˙ ... œ˙ . œ œ
T
11
& b œ œ œ b ˙ ..
O
D bm7 A b (add 9) E b/G E bm/G b B bm

N
Fm7
? bb b œ ˙
b œ ˙. ˙. b˙. ˙. ˙.
œ œ ˙. ˙.
˙. b˙. ˙.

All Rights Reserved
2
bb
&bb œ œ œ ˙. œ œ œ
18
œ œ œ ˙ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
long as a prince saves our tail, so we’ll be o - be - di - ent wives for the
bb ˙˙ .. ˙ œ ˙˙ ..
& b b œ˙ . œ œ œ˙ . œ œ ˙ œ ˙˙ œœ œœ œ Œ Œ
18
˙. .
˙˙ œœ Œ̇ œ œ œœ
B bm/A B bm/A b B bm/G A b (add 9) A b/G
.
l
Fm7
sa
? bb b œ Œ Œ
b n˙. b˙. ˙. ˙. ˙. ˙. œ.
n˙. b˙. ˙. ˙. ˙. ˙.
ru
Pe
N
b
& b bb ˙ .
POCAHONTAS: "The rest of our lives? Isn’t that like a really long time?"
œ œ œ ˙. ˙. ∑ ∑ ∑ ∑
25
O
g
TI
rest of our lives!
œœ. œœ.
in œœ. . .
b œ œ œœ œœ. Œ œœ œœ. Œ œ˙ œ Œ œ˙ œ
s
& b b b ˙˙˙
C
œœœ œœœ ˙˙˙ Œ œ Œ œ˙ œ
25
en
U
Db D b/E b Ab
p A. b Db D b/E b
œ œ Œ Œ D
c
? bb b œ ˙ œ Œ Œ
Fm
œ œ Œ Œ ˙. ˙
b œ ˙ ˙ œ œ
Li
œ œ. ˙ œ
O
œ. ˙.
œ
PR
ay
SNOW WHITE:
dw
"Why, yes! Because happily

R
ever after… …is forever." [GO ON] 35

b
& b bb ∑ Œ Œ
33 CINDERELLA: SLEEPING BEAUTY: SNOW WHITE:
œ œ œ œ œ ˙ œ
FO
œ œ œ œ ˙
oa
œ
b b b œœ Œ Œ "
I’m ob - sessed with my looks I’m ob - sessed with my hair And
œœœ œœœ œœ œœœ œœ œœ œœœ œœœ œœ œœœ œœ œœœ
Br
b ∑ œ
33
& œ œ
T
O
light and delicately

Ab
F œœ œœ
Fm
N
? bb b " œ
b œ Œ Œ œ œ œ œ Œ œ Œ œ œ
Œ
œ œ œ
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
3
bb
&bb œ
SW/C/SB:
œ bœ œ b˙
39
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
when sev - en men need a maid, I'm so there! We are so del - i - cate,
bb œ œ b œ œ œ œ Œ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ
& b b œœœ œœœ œ ˙ œ
39
˙˙˙ b˙ œ
œ ˙.
D b (add 2) D bm7 A b (add 9) E b/G
? b b ˙. ˙ ˙. ˙
l
bb ˙. ˙.
sa
˙. œ ˙. œ ˙. ˙.
ru
bb
&bb œ
45
œ œ ˙ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙ œ
Pe
N
>˙ .
weak, through and through just wait - ing for Charm - ing to ride in - to view and
b œ ˙˙˙˙ ... œœ. œœ. œœ. œœ. œœ. œœ. œœ. œœ. œœ. œœ. œœ. œœ. œœ. œœ.
& b b b œœœ b œœ ˙.
O
45
œ .
TI
? bb b
E bm/G b Fm7
s in (fanfare!)
B bm B bm/A
3
B bm/A b
3
B bm/G
œ œœ œ
C
b b˙. ˙. ˙ œ n˙ œ ˙ œ
en
b˙. ˙. ˙ œ n˙ œ ˙ œ œ œ
U
b
& b bb œ D ˙. œ
c
˙. œ œ œ œ œ
51
œ œ œ œ
Li
œ
O
˙˙ ..
PR
that’s how a prin - cess sur - vives for the rest of our…
ay
b ˙˙ œœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œ œ œœ

& b b b ˙˙ œ œ œœ œœ
51
.
˙ œœ ˙ œ Œ̇ œ œ œ œœœ œœœ œœœ œ
dw
A b (add 9) A b/G Db D b/E b

R
Fm7
? bb b œ œ œ ˙ œ œ œ
b ˙. ˙.
FO
˙. œ. œ œ œ
oa
˙. ˙ œ
˙. ˙. œ
Br
57
b
& b bb ˙ . œ œ œ
˙œ. œ œ ˙˙
œ œ œ œ œ Œ Œ
SNOW WHITE: C/SB: SW/C/SB:
œ œ œ
T
œ ˙
O
œœ.
Long, long a - go when man first cre - at - ed the prin - cess.
N
œœ ˙˙˙ œœ j
Long,long a - go Choke cym
b ˙ œ
œ ˙˙ œ œ ˙˙ œ ˙˙ .
& b bb ˙ œ œœ ˙˙ œ ‰‰‰
57
œ œ œœ ˙ ˙ ..
~~~~~
Ab A b/D b B bm7 D b/E b Ab

~~~~~~
? bb b Œ ˙
Œ ˙ œ Œ
Cm7 Fm7
b ˙. ˙. œ œ œ œ ˙ ˙
˙. ∑
œ
~~~~~~
˙. ˙. œ œ ˙. ˙
Br
oa
dw
N ay
O
T Li
FO cen
R s in
PR g
O Pe
D ru
U
C sa
TI l
O
N
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DISENCHANTED!

BOOK, MUSIC & LYRICS BY

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Produced by special arrangement with Broadway Licensing

Licensing collects these required payments on behalf of the author.

infringer under United States and international law. Broadway Licensing

attorneys’ fees. A court may impose statutory damages of up to $150,000

when in doubt, ask us.

toll-free phone: 1-866-NEW-PLAY

perfectly ‘you’ is more important.

break the mold and be perfectly herself.

THE LITTLE MERMAID

Track 1 - Snow White

The DISENCHANTED! band/combo consists of three instruments:

Drum – Full kit w/SFX sampling pad

*’Disenchanted!’ may be performed with piano only.

‘DISENCHANTED!’ is performed with one fifteen-minute intermission/interval.

Welcome to the kingdom of ‘DISENCHANTED!’ princesses. These wonderfully

crowd with their not-so-happily ever afters.

PRINCESS BADROULBADOUR bucks the misogynistic treatment of women overseas.

#1 One More Happ’ly Ever After………………………………………………9

(The Little Mermaid, Cinderella, Snow White)

(Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Pocahontas)

#8 ALTERNATE For The Rest Of Our Lives..................................................46

(Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Pocahontas)

#10 Perfect 2nd Attempt........................................................................................51

#13 Entr’acte/Finally (Reprise)..........................................................................61

#14 Not Vone Red Cent.......................................................................................62

#19 A Happy Tune?...............................................................................................83

(Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty)

(Sleeping Beauty, The Little Mermaid,

Cinderella, Hua Mulan, Snow White)

#20a OMFG/Snow White’s Rimshot.....................................................................95

#21 Once Upon A Time..........................................................................................96

(Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella,

The Princess Who Kissed The Frog,

#22 Bows/One More Happ’ly Ever After (Reprise)..........................................99

#23 Exit Music/Perfect (Reprise) .....................................................................100

#1 ONE MORE HAPP’LY EVER AFTER

(chord from the BAND)

...they were married.

(chord from the BAND)

SKIN AS WHITE AS SNOW

A MILLION DOLLAR CROWN WITH SHINY JEWELS

SITS ON MY PRETTY, LITTLE HEAD

A HANDSOME PRINCE FOR KISSING

THERE’S NOTHING THAT’S GONE MISSING

(SNOW WHITE holds the note incredibly long...as SNOW WHITE

(one more vocal riff from SNOW WHITE interrupting

(CINDERELLA waits, not knowing if SNOW WHITE

THAT ALL THOSE FILMS AND FAIRY TALES

JUST ONE MORE CHERRY THAT’S INTACT ’TIL MARRIAGE

WAITING FOR THE NEXT SOIREE

FROM PRINCESS FLICKS

HAVE SOMETHING MORE TO SAY

WHO SLIPS ME THE TONGUE WHILE I’M ASLEEP

AND OFF WE GO OUT TO THE DRAWBRIDGE FOR A LEAP

WHEN ALL THE GUARDS ARE FAST ASLEEP

(BAND - Vamp #1)

CINDERELLA & SLEEPING BEAUTY