01 - The One Where Monica Gets a New Ross: I just feel like someone reached down my

Roommate (The Pilot-The Uncut Version) throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of
my mouth and tied it around my neck...
Written by: Marta Kauffman & David Crane Chandler: Cookie?
Transcribed by: guineapig Monica: (explaining to the others) Carol moved
Additional transcribing by: Eric Aasen her stuff out today.
(Note: The previously unseen parts of this episode Joey: Ohh.
are shown in blue text.) Monica: (to Ross) Let me get you some coffee.
Ross: Thanks.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Phoebe: Ooh! Oh! (She starts to pluck at the air
Monica are there.] just in front of Ross.)
Monica: There's nothing to tell! He's just some guy Ross: No, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No,
I work with! just leave my aura alone, okay?
Joey: C'mon, you're going out with the guy! Phoebe: Fine! Be murky!
There's gotta be something wrong with him! Ross: I'll be fine, alright? Really, everyone. I hope
Chandler: All right Joey, be nice. So does he have she'll be very happy.
a hump? A hump and a hairpiece? Monica: No you don't.
Phoebe: Wait, does he eat chalk? Ross: No I don't, to hell with her, she left me!
(They all stare, bemused.) Joey: And you never knew she was a lesbian...
Phoebe: Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through Ross: No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep
what I went through with Carl- oh! fixating on that? She didn't know, how should I
Monica: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a know?
date. It's just two people going out to dinner and- Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian...
not having sex. (They all stare at him.) Did I say that out loud?
Chandler: Sounds like a date to me. Ross: I told mom and dad last night, they seemed
[Time Lapse] to take it pretty well.
Chandler: Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm Monica: Oh really, so that hysterical phone call I
standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize got from a woman at sobbing 3:00 A.M., "I'll never
I am totally naked. have grandchildren, I'll never have grandchildren."
All: Oh, yeah. Had that dream. was what? A wrong number?
Chandler: Then I look down, and I realize there's a Ross: Sorry.
phone... there. Joey: Alright Ross, look. You're feeling a lot of
Joey: Instead of...? pain right now. You're angry. You're hurting. Can I
Chandler: That's right. tell you what the answer is?
Joey: Never had that dream. (Ross gestures his consent.)
Phoebe: No. Joey: Strip joint! C'mon, you're single! Have some
Chandler: All of a sudden, the phone starts to hormones!
ring. Now I don't know what to do, everybody Ross: I don't want to be single, okay? I just... I just-
starts looking at me. I just wanna be married again!
Monica: And they weren't looking at you before?! (Rachel enters in a wet wedding dress and starts to
Chandler: Finally, I figure I'd better answer it, and search the room.)
it turns out it's my mother, which is very-very Chandler: And I just want a million dollars! (He
weird, because- she never calls me! extends his hand hopefully.)
[Time Lapse, Ross has entered.] Monica: Rachel?!
Ross: (mortified) Hi. Rachel: Oh God Monica hi! Thank God! I just
Joey: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself. went to your building and you weren't there and
Monica: Are you okay, sweetie? then this guy with a big hammer said you might be
here and you are, you are!
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Waitress: Can I get you some coffee? Chandler: (re TV) Ooh, she should not be wearing
Monica: (pointing at Rachel) De-caff. (to All) those pants.
Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln Joey: I say push her down the stairs.
High survivor. (to Rachel) This is everybody, this is Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, and Joey: Push her
Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and- you down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! Push her
remember my brother Ross? down the stairs!
Rachel: Hi, sure! (She is pushed down the stairs and everyone
Ross: Hi. cheers.)
(They go to hug but Ross's umbrella opens. He sits Rachel: C'mon Daddy, listen to me! It's like, it's
back down defeated again. A moment of silence like, all of my life, everyone has always told me,
follows as Rachel sits and the others expect her to 'You're a shoe! You're a shoe, you're a shoe, you're
explain.) a shoe!'. And today I just stopped and I said, 'What
Monica: So you wanna tell us now, or are we if I don't wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a- a
waiting for four wet bridesmaids? purse, y'know? Or a- or a hat! No, I'm not saying I
Rachel: Oh God... well, it started about a half hour want you to buy me a hat, I'm saying I am a ha- It's
before the wedding. I was in the room where we a metaphor, Daddy!
were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at Ross: You can see where he'd have trouble.
this gravy boat. This really gorgeous Lamauge Rachel: Look Daddy, it's my life. Well maybe I'll
gravy boat. When all of a sudden- (to the waitress just stay here with Monica.
that brought her coffee)Sweet 'n' Lo?- I realized Monica: Well, I guess we've established who's
that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than staying here with Monica...
by Barry! And then I got really freaked out, and Rachel: Well, maybe that's my decision. Well,
that's when it hit me: how much Barry looks like maybe I don't need your money. Wait!! Wait, I said
Mr. Potato Head. Y'know, I mean, I always knew maybe!!
looked familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out [Time Lapse, Rachel is breating into a paper bag.]
of there, and I started wondering 'Why am I doing Monica: Just breathe, breathe.. that's it. Just try to
this, and who am I doing this for?'. (to Monica) So think of nice calm things...
anyway I just didn't know where to go, and I know Phoebe: (sings) Raindrops on roses and rabbits and
that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you're kittens, (Rachel and Monica turn to look at her.)
the only person I knew who lived here in the city. bluebells and sleighbells and- something with
Monica: Who wasn't invited to the wedding. mittens... La la la la...something and noodles with
Rachel: Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be string. These are a few...
an issue... [Scene: Monica's Apartment, everyone is Rachel: I'm all better now.
there and watching a Spanish Soap on TV and are Phoebe: (grins and walks to the kitchen and says to
trying to figure out what is going on.] Chandler and Joey.) I helped!
Monica: Now I'm guessing that he bought her the Monica: Okay, look, this is probably for the best,
big pipe organ, and she's really not happy about it. y'know? Independence. Taking control of your
Chandler: (imitating the characters) Tuna or egg life. The whole, 'hat' thing.
salad? Decide! Joey: (comforting her) And hey, you need
Ross: (in a deep voice) I'll have whatever Christine anything, you can always come to Joey. Me and
is having. Chandler live across the hall. And he's away a lot.
Rachel: (on phone) Daddy, I just... I can't marry Monica: Joey, stop hitting on her! It's her wedding
him! I'm sorry. I just don't love him. Well, it day!
matters to me! Joey: What, like there's a rule or something?
(The scene on TV has changed to show two (The door buzzer sounds and Chandler gets it.)
women, one is holding her hair.) Chandler: Please don't do that again, it's a horrible
Phoebe: If I let go of my hair, my head will fall sound.
off. Paul: (over the intercom) It's, uh, it's Paul.

2
Monica: Oh God, is it 6:30? Buzz him in! tonight, Joey and Chandler are coming over to help
Joey: Who's Paul? me put together my new furniture.
Ross: Paul the Wine Guy, Paul? Chandler: (deadpan) Yes, and we're very excited
Monica: Maybe. Joey: Wait. Your 'not a real date' about it.
tonight is with Paul the Wine Guy? Rachel: Well actually thanks, but I think I'm just
Ross: He finally asked you out? gonna hang out here tonight. It's been kinda a long
Monica: Yes! day.
Chandler: Ooh, this is a Dear Diary moment. Ross: Okay, sure.
Monica: Rach, wait, I can cancel... Joey: Hey Pheebs, you wanna help?
Rachel: Please, no, go, that'd be fine! Phoebe: Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to.
Monica: (to Ross) Are, are you okay? I mean, do Commercial Break
you want me to stay? [Scene: The Subway, Phoebe is singing for
Ross: (choked voice) That'd be good... change.]
Monica: (horrified) Really? Phoebe: (singing) Love is sweet as summer
Ross: (normal voice) No, go on! It's Paul the Wine showers, love is a wondrous work of art, but your
Guy! love oh your love, your love...is like a giant
Phoebe: What does that mean? Does he sell it, pigeon...crapping on my heart. La-la-la-la-la-
drink it, or just complain a lot? (Chandler doesn't (some guy gives her some change and to that guy)
know.) Thank you. (sings) La-la-la-la...ohhh!
(There's a knock on the door and it's Paul.) [Scene: Ross's Apartment, the guys are there
assembling furniture.]
Monica: Hi, come in! Paul, this is.. (They are all
lined up next to the door.)... everybody, everybody, Ross: (squatting and reading the instructions) I'm
this is Paul. supposed to attach a brackety thing to the side
things, using a bunch of these little worm guys. I
All: Hey! Paul! Hi! The Wine Guy! Hey!
have no brackety thing, I see no whim guys
Chandler: I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name.
whatsoever and- I cannot feel my legs.
Paul, was it?
(Joey and Chandler are finishing assembling the
Monica: Okay, umm-umm, I'll just--I'll be right
bookcase.)
back, I just gotta go ah, go ah...
Joey: I'm thinking we've got a bookcase here.
Ross: A wandering?
Chandler: It's a beautiful thing.
Monica: Change! Okay, sit down. (Shows Paul in)
Joey: (picking up a leftover part) What's this?
Two seconds.
Chandler: I would have to say that is an 'L'-shaped
Phoebe: Ooh, I just pulled out four eyelashes. That
bracket.
can't be good.
Joey: Which goes where?
(Monica goes to change.)
Joey: Hey, Paul! Chandler: I have no idea.
(Joey checks that Ross is not looking and dumps it
Paul: Yeah?
in a plant.)
Joey: Here's a little tip, she really likes it when you
Joey: Done with the bookcase!
rub her neck in the same spot over and over and
over again until it starts to get a little red. Chandler: All finished!
Monica: (yelling from the bedroom) Shut up, Joey! Ross: (clutching a beer can and sniffing) This was
Carol's favorite beer. She always drank it out of the
Ross: So Rachel, what're you, uh... what're you up
can, I should have known.
to tonight?
Joey: Hey-hey-hey-hey, if you're gonna start with
Rachel: Well, I was kinda supposed to be headed
that stuff we're outta here.
for Aruba on my honeymoon, so nothing!
Chandler: Yes, please don't spoil all this fun.
Ross: Right, you're not even getting your
honeymoon, God.. No, no, although, Aruba, this Joey: Ross, let me ask you a question. She got the
time of year... talk about your- (thinks) -big furniture, the stereo, the good TV- what did you
lizards... Anyway, if you don't feel like being alone get?

3
Ross: You guys. ripped your heart out, and that is why we don't do
Chandler: Oh, God. it! I don't think that was my point!
Joey: You got screwed. Ross: You know what the scariest part is? What if
Chandler: Oh my God! there's only one woman for everybody, y'know? I
[Scene: A Restaurant, Monica and Paul are eating.] mean what if you get one woman- and that's it?
Monica: Oh my God! Unfortunately in my case, there was only one
Paul: I know, I know, I'm such an idiot. I guess I woman- for her...
should have caught on when she started going to Joey: What are you talking about? 'One woman'?
the dentist four and five times a week. I mean, how That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice
clean can teeth get? cream for you. Lemme tell you something, Ross.
Monica: My brother's going through that right There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky
now, he's such a mess. How did you get through it? Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing! Cherry
Vanilla. You could get 'em with Jimmies, or nuts,
Paul: Well, you might try accidentally breaking
or whipped cream! This is the best thing that ever
something valuable of hers, say her-
happened to you! You got married, you were, like,
Monica: -leg?
what, eight? Welcome back to the world! Grab a
Paul: (laughing) That's one way! Me, I- I went for
spoon!
the watch.
Ross: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.
Monica: You actually broke her
Chandler: Stay out of my freezer! [Scene: A
watch? Wow! The worst thing I ever did was, I-I
Restaurant, Monica and Paul are still eating.]
shredded by boyfriend's favorite bath towel.
Paul: Ever since she walked out on me, I, uh...
Paul: Ooh, steer clear of you.
Monica: What?..... What, you wanna spell it out
Monica: That's right. [Scene: Monica's Apartment,
with noodles?
Rachel is talking on the phone and pacing.]
Paul: No, it's, it's more of a fifth date kinda
Rachel: Barry, I'm sorry... I am so sorry... I know
revelation.
you probably think that this is all about what I said
Monica: Oh, so there is gonna be a fifth date?
the other day about you making love with your
socks on, but it isn't... it isn't, it's about me, and I ju- Paul: Isn't there?
(She stops talking and dials the phone.) Hi, Monica: Yeah... yeah, I think there is. -What were
machine cut me off again... anyway...look, look, I you gonna say?
know that some girl is going to be incredibly lucky Paul: Well, ever-ev-... ever since she left me, um, I
to become Mrs. Barry Finkel, but it isn't me, it's not haven't been able to, uh, perform. (Monica takes a
me. And not that I have any idea who me is right sip of her drink.) ...Sexually.
now, but you just have to give me a chance too... Monica: (spitting out her drink in shock) Oh God,
(The maching cuts her off again and she redials.) oh God, I am sorry... I am so sorry...
[Scene: Ross's Apartment; Ross is pacing while Paul: It's okay...
Joey and Chandler are working on some more Monica: I know being spit on is probably not what
furniture.] you need right now. Um... how long?
Ross: I'm divorced! I'm only 26 and I'm divorced! Paul: Two years.
Joey: Shut up! Monica: Wow! I'm-I'm-I'm glad you smashed her
Chandler: You must stop! (Chandler hits what he watch!
is working on with a hammer and it collapses.) Paul: So you still think you, um... might want that
Ross: That only took me an hour. fifth date?
Chandler: Look, Ross, you gotta understand, Monica: (pause)...Yeah. Yeah, I do.
between us we haven't had a relationship that has [Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is
lasted longer than a Mento. You, however have watching Joanne Loves Chaci.]
had the love of a woman for four years. Four years Priest on TV: We are gathered here today to join
of closeness and sharing at the end of which she Joanne Louise Cunningham and Charles, Chachi-

4
Chachi-Chachi, Arcola in the bound of holy Paul: No, I'm telling you last night was like umm,
matrimony. all my birthdays, both graduations, plus the barn
Rachel: Oh...see... but Joanne loved Chachi! That's raising scene in Witness.
the difference! Monica: We'll talk later.
[Scene: Ross's Apartment, they're all sitting around Paul: Yeah. (They kiss) Thank you. (Exits)
and talking.] Joey: That wasn't a real date?! What the hell do
Ross: (scornful) Grab a spoon. Do you know how you do on a real date?
long it's been since I've grabbed a spoon? Do the Monica: Shut up, and put my table back.
words 'Billy, don't be a hero' mean anything to you? All: Okayyy! (They do so.)
Joey: Great story! But, I uh, I gotta go, I got a date Chandler: All right, kids, I gotta get to work. If I
with Andrea--Angela--Andrea... Oh man, (looks to don't input those numbers,... it doesn't make much
Chandler) of a difference...
Chandler: Angela's the screamer, Andrea has cats. Rachel: So, like, you guys all have jobs?
Joey: Right. Thanks. It's June. I'm outta here. Monica: Yeah, we all have jobs. See, that's how we
(Exits.) buy stuff.
Ross: Y'know, here's the thing. Even if I could get Joey: Yeah, I'm an actor.
it together enough to- to ask a woman out,... who Rachel: Wow! Would I have seen you in anything?
am I gonna ask? (He gazes out of the window.) Joey: I doubt it. Mostly regional work.
[Cut to Rachel staring out of her window.] Monica: Oh wait, wait, unless you happened to
Commercial Break catch the Reruns' production of Pinocchio, at the
[Scene: Monica's Apartment, Rachel is making little theater in the park.
coffee for Joey and Chandler.] Joey: Look, it was a job all right?
Rachel: Isn't this amazing? I mean, I have never Chandler: 'Look, Gippetto, I'm a real live boy.'
made coffee before in my entire life. Joey: I will not take this abuse. (Walks to the door
Chandler: That is amazing. and opens it to leave.)
Joey: Congratulations. Chandler: You're right, I'm sorry. (Burst into song
Rachel: Y'know, I figure if I can make coffee, and dances out of the door.) "Once I was a wooden
there isn't anything I can't do. boy, a little wooden boy..."
Chandler: If can invade Poland, there isn't Joey: You should both know, that he's a dead
anything I can't do. man. Oh, Chandler? (Starts after Chandler.)
Joey: Listen, while you're on a roll, if you feel like Monica: So how you doing today? Did you sleep
you gotta make like a Western omelet or okay? Talk to Barry? I can't stop smiling.
something... (Joey and Chandler taste the coffee, Rachel: I can see that. You look like you slept with
grimace, and pour it into a plant pot.) Although a hanger in your mouth.
actually I'm really not that hungry... Monica: I know, he's just so, so... Do you
Monica: (entering, to herself) Oh good, Lenny and remember you and Tony DeMarco?
Squigy are here. Rachel: Oh, yeah.
All: Morning. Good morning. Monica: Well, it's like that. With feelings.
Paul: (entering from Monica's room) Morning. Rachel: Oh wow. Are you in trouble.
Joey: Morning, Paul. Monica: Big time!
Rachel: Hello, Paul. Rachel: Want a wedding dress? Hardly used.
Chandler: Hi, Paul, is it? Monica: I think we are getting a little ahead of
(Monica and Paul walk to the door and talk in a low selves here. Okay. Okay. I am just going to get up,
voice so the others can't hear. The others move go to work and not think about him all day. Or else
Monica's table closer to the door so that they can.) I'm just gonna get up and go to work.
Paul: Thank you! Thank you so much! Rachel: Oh, look, wish me luck!
Monica: Stop! Monica: What for?

5
Rachel: I'm gonna go get one of those (Thinks) job Chandler: Oh, how well you know me...
things. Rachel: They're my new 'I don't need a job, I don't
(Monica exits.) need my parents, I've got great boots' boots!
[Scene: Iridium, Monica is working as Frannie Monica: How'd you pay for them?
enters.] Rachel: Uh, credit card.
Frannie: Hey, Monica! Monica: And who pays for that?
Monica: Hey Frannie, welcome back! How was Rachel: Um... my... father.
Florida? [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is sitting
Frannie: You had sex, didn't you? around the kitchen table. Rachel's credit cards are
Monica: How do you do that? spread out on the table along with a pair of
Frannie: Oh, I hate you, I'm pushing my Aunt Roz scissors.]
through Parrot Jungle and you're having sex! So? Rachel: Oh God, come on you guys, is this really
Who? necessary? I mean, I can stop charging anytime I
Monica: You know Paul? want.
Frannie: Paul the Wine Guy? Oh yeah, I know Monica: C'mon, you can't live off your parents
Paul. your whole life.
Monica: You mean you know Paul like I know Rachel: I know that. That's why I was getting
Paul? married.
Frannie: Are you kidding? I take credit for Paul. Phoebe: Give her a break, it's hard being on your
Y'know before me, there was no snap in his turtle own for the first time.
for two years. Rachel: Thank you.
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Rachel is there.] Phoebe: You're welcome. I remember when I first
Joey: (sitting on the arm of the couch)Of course it came to this city. I was fourteen. My mom had just
was a line! killed herself and my step-dad was back in prison,
Monica: Why?! Why? Why, why would anybody and I got here, and I didn't know anybody. And I
do something like that? ended up living with this albino guy who was, like,
Ross: I assume we're looking for an answer more cleaning windshields outside port authority, and
sophisticated than 'to get you into bed'. then he killed himself, and then I found
Monica: I hate men! I hate men! aromatherapy. So believe me, I know exactly how
Phoebe: Oh no, don't hate, you don't want to put you feel.
that out into the universe. (Pause)
Monica: Is it me? Is it like I have some sort of Ross: The word you're looking for is 'Anyway'...
beacon that only dogs and men with severe Monica: All right, you ready?
emotional problems can hear? Rachel: No. No, no, I'm not ready! How can I be
Phoebe: All right, c'mere, gimme your feet. (She ready? "Hey, Rach! You ready to jump out the
starts massaging them.) airplane without your parachute?" Come on, I can't
Monica: I just thought he was nice, y'know? do this!
Joey: (bursts out laughing again) I can't believe you Monica: You can, I know you can!
didn't know it was a line! Rachel: I don't think so.
(Monica pushes him off of the sofa as Rachel enters Ross: Come on, you made coffee! You can do
with a shopping bag.) anything! (Chandler slowly tries to hide the now
Rachel: Guess what? dead plant from that morning when he and Joey
Ross: You got a job? poured their coffee into it.)
Rachel: Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I Ross: C'mon, cut. Cut, cut, cut,...
was laughed out of twelve interviews today. All: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut... (She cuts one
Chandler: And yet you're surprisingly upbeat. of them and they cheer.)
Rachel: You would be too if you found John and Rachel: Y'know what? I think we can just leave it
David boots on sale, fifty percent off! at that. It's kinda like a symbolic gesture...

6
Monica: Rachel! That was a library card! Monica: See ya.... Waitwait, what's with you?
All: Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.. Ross: I just grabbed a spoon. (Ross exits and
Chandler: (as Rachel is cutting up her cards) Monica has no idea what that means.)
Y'know, if you listen closely, you can hear a Closing Credits
thousand retailers scream. [Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there.]
(She finishes cutting them up and they all cheer.) Joey: I can't believe what I'm hearing here.
Monica: Welcome to the real world! It sucks. Phoebe: (sings) I can't believe what I'm hearing
You're gonna love it! here...
[Time Lapse, Rachel and Ross are watching a TV Monica: What? I-I said you had a-
channel finishes it's broadcast day by playing the Phoebe: (sings) What I said you had...
national anthem.] Monica: (to Phoebe) Would you stop?
Monica: Well, that's it (To Ross) You gonna crash Phoebe: Oh, was I doing it again?
on the couch? All: Yes!
Ross: No. No, I gotta go home sometime. Monica: I said that you had a nice butt, it's just not
Monica: You be okay? a great butt.
Ross: Yeah. Joey: Oh, you wouldn't know a great butt if it came
Rachel: Hey Mon, look what I just found on the up and bit ya.
floor. (Monica smiles.) What? Ross: There's an image.
Monica: That's Paul's watch. You just put it back Rachel: (walks up with a pot of coffee) Would
where you found it. Oh boy. Alright. Goodnight, anybody like more coffee?
everybody. Chandler: Did you make it, or are you just serving
Ross and Rachel: Goodnight. it?
(Monica stomps on Paul's watch and goes into her Rachel: I'm just serving it.
room.) All: Yeah. Yeah, I'll have a cup of coffee.
Ross: Mmm. (They both reach for the last cookie) Chandler: Kids, new dream... I'm in Las
Oh, no- Vegas. (Rachel sits down to hear Chandler's
Rachel: Sorry- dream.)
Ross: No no no, go- Customer: (To Rachel) Ahh, miss? More coffee?
Rachel: No, you have it, really, I don't want it- Rachel: Ugh. (To another customer that's leaving.)
Ross: Split it? Excuse me, could you give this to that guy over
Rachel: Okay. there? (Hands him the coffee pot.) Go ahead. (He
Ross: Okay. (They split it.) You know you does so.) Thank you. (To the gang.) Sorry. Okay,
probably didn't know this, but back in high school, Las Vegas.
I had a, um, major crush on you. Chandler: Okay, so, I'm in Las Vegas... I'm Liza
Rachel: I knew. Minelli-
Ross: You did! Oh.... I always figured you just End
thought I was Monica's geeky older brother.
Rachel: I did.
Ross: Oh. Listen, do you think- and try not to let
my intense vulnerability become any kind of a
factor here- but do you think it would be okay if I
asked you out? Sometime? Maybe?
Rachel: Yeah, maybe...
Ross: Okay... okay, maybe I will...
Rachel: Goodnight.
Ross: Goodnight.
(Rachel goes into her room and Monica enters the
living room as Ross is leaving.)
7