Premarital Counselling

Introduction;

Premarital counselling is very important to the minister. He seeks to establish Christian homes and good
working relationships with the people of his parish for the years to come through premarital counselling.
Thus it could be said that premarital counselling is closely related to Christian education and evangelism.
The minister must recognise this vital place of premarital counselling in his pastoral work. He must also
understand the need for it, the approach to it, the method to use, and some of the problems with which he
must deal.

Premarital counselling is a therapy which helps to prepare the couples mentally for marriage. The
counselling helps to make sure that you and your spouse can have a strong and healthy relationship
throughout your life. Premarital counselling helps to improve a couple’s relationship before marriage.
Following topics are discussed during the premarital counselling:

◼ Finances
◼ Communication
◼ Beliefs and values
◼ Roles in marriage
◼ Affection and sex
◼ Children and parenting
◼ Family relationships
◼ Decision making
◼ Dealing with anger
◼ Time spent together

The need:

The great need for premarital counselling is evidenced in the following reasons,
1) Many couples who approach could never establish a Christian home without the help of a minister
because they have never experienced Christian living in childhood.
2) Others approach marriage unaware of childish personality traits still with them. Personality traits affect
all aspect of marriage and are delicately adjusted.
3) Patterns of behaviour in childhood, whether good or bad, that deal with frustration continue throughout
life.
4) Some couples face unresolved problems of jealousy and emotional immaturity, as well as other points
of friction and areas of adjustment.
5) Since there is an increase in unhappy marriage, divorce, illegitimacy and criminal abortion, there is need
for a for a preventive therapy.

This is accomplished through the two functions of pastoral care guiding and reconciling. Premarital
counselling can help couples form marriages out of which will issue mentally heal thy children who will
be capable of developing wholesome, creative relationships with others and thereby help build the Kingdom
of God.

Approach:

According to J., Kenneth Morris, Couples who come for premarital counselling fall into four groups:
1) emotionally mature individuals,
2) the mismatched,
3) the physically sick and handicapped, and
4) the neurotic
Premarital counselling may often start early in the courtship period and continue throughout the
engagement. It involves both counselling and instruction to prepare young couples for marriage by giving
special attention to their religious, social, cultural, and economic backgrounds and other specific needs;
such as, homemaking responsibilities, a workable budget, and sex. Premarital counselling provides an
opportunity for the couple to talk out and ventilate their feelings about themselves, their families, and their
Sweethearts.

Premarital counselling will aid in the solution of problems and difficult areas of adjustment before marriage
and prevent many problems from arising after marriage.

Types of Premarital Counseling

According to Romanoff, there are different types of couples therapy, and many of them can be universally
applied to couples at any stage of their relationship, including premarital counseling.

“Many clinicians will be integrative in their approach to couples therapy and will draw from several
therapies, depending on the unique needs of their patients,” says Romanoff.

These are some of the types of therapy a premarital counselor may use.

◼ Gottman Method

The Gottman Method, developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, involves conducting a detailed
assessment of you and your partner and then using a therapeutic framework to address areas of conflict.

This form of therapy aims to improve the quality of friendship between you and your partner, increase
intimacy, and equip you with problem-solving skills that can help you build a stronger relationship.1

◼ Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

Emotionally focused therapy, developed by Drs. Sue Johnson and Les Greenberg, is a form of short-term
therapy. It aims to improve the attachment and bond between you and your partner, leading to better
communication and a stronger relationship.

◼ Psychodynamic Couples Therapy

Psychodynamic couples therapy examines the underlying issues that motivate interaction cycles.
Identifying and addressing factors like your hopes for closeness, love, and appreciation and fears of
abandonment and disapproval can help you and your partner better understand and accept each other.

Goals of premarital counselling:

The prime goal of premarital counselling is to help the couple evaluate their relationship in view of their
approaching marriage and to help them build foundation for a happy, successful, Christian marriage.

Dr. Clyde M. Narramore suggests four main objectives of premarriage counselling:

◼ To help the couple to better understand themselves.

◼ To help them better understand their future mate
◼ To help the couple learn before marriage to communicate about all aspects of marriage and its
problems.
◼ To help them know Christ as personal saviour if they do not and to help them grow spiritually.

Dr. Charles William Stewart says about the five goals of premarital counselling:
 ◼ The minister sets in order the procedural details in relation to the wedding ceremony; such as the
rehearsal time and place of the wedding and also informs them of the blood test, license, and waiting
period.
◼ The interview is used to make an appraisal of the couple, especially with reference to emotional
maturity and compatibility.
◼ The minister furnishes the couple with specific information regarding the physical economic,
psychosocial, and religious phases of marriage.
◼ The minister endeavors to relate the couple to Christian living.
◼ The minister should open up areas of interpersonal interaction beb1een the couple which may
explored before marriage.

Discussing Important Issues

Premarital counseling offers an opportunity to discuss several important aspects of a marriage, including:

• Finances: Money can be a stressful and contentious issue for married couples, so deciding how to
manage your finances in advance can help prevent problems down the road.
• Beliefs, values, and religion: Sharing your beliefs, values, and religious sentiments with your
partner can help foster better understanding and respect. You can also discuss the implications of
these aspects on your daily life.
• Roles in the marriage: It’s important to discuss the roles you expect yourself and your partner to
play in your marriage to prevent conflicts later on.
• Activities and time spent together: You and your partner can discuss how you plan to spend time
together and what activities you enjoy doing together.
• Children: Couples sometimes realize after getting married that they are not on the same page about
whether or not they want to have children. Deciding in advance whether or not you want to have
kids and how you want to raise them is important.
• Family relationships: Premarital counseling can offer you a chance to be honest about your
relationships with your own family as well as any concerns you have about your partner’s family.
• Understanding your partner: Premarital counseling can help you develop a better understanding
of your partner. In particular, it can help you understand your partner’s beliefs, values, expectations,
motivations, priorities, and routine.
• Setting realistic expectations: This form of counseling allows you to discuss all the important
aspects of married life with your partner so that you both know what to expect. It also helps identify
your strengths and weaknesses as individuals and as a couple.
• Planning for the future: Much like you and your partner would meet with a wedding planner to
plan your big day, seeing a premarital counselor can help you plan your marriage and your life
together.
Benefits of Premarital Counseling

Premarital counseling is designed to equip you and your partner with tools to navigate married life together.
These are some of the benefits this therapy can offer:

• Learn constructive communication: A core aspect of premarital counseling is communication, as

“partners learn to convey their positions clearly without attacking or arming the other,” says
Romanoff.
• Develop conflict resolution skills: Premarital counseling also teaches you and your partner
problem-solving and conflict-resolution skills. “Initially, communication often leads to conflict, but
with time, couples can have more constructive discussions,” says Romanoff.
• Focus on the positive aspects: Premarital counseling can help you and your partner focus on the
positive aspects of your relationship rather than the negative.
 • Eliminate dysfunctional behavior: Premarital counseling can identify unhealthy behaviors and
patterns in a relationship and help you correct them.
• Build decision-making processes: Premarital counseling can help you and your partner develop
healthy and equitable decision-making processes.
• Alleviate fears related to marriage: If you or your partner are anxious about what married life
will entail, premarital counseling can help you discuss important issues and give you some clarity.

Essentials of a Good Pastor counsellor:

There are certain principles and essentials of good counselling that apply to pastors in premarital, marital
or family counselling. The list of essentials is as follow:

1) Be an accessible person
2) Create a counselling atmosphere by being relaxed but alert and attentive.
3) Be a good listener.
4) Be wary of giving advice.
5) Judge not.
6) Keep confidences.
7) Keep in touch.
8) Always be looking for deeper problems and hidden reasons.
9) Keep constantly in mind the aim of counselling which is to get persons adjusted to themselves, to
others and to God.

Ways of conducting:

The forms of conducting premarital counselling range from an hour’s interview on the day before the
wedding to a series of sessions beginning several weeks or months prior to the wedding.

1) Dr. Charles W. Stewart

◼ The first interview is a time of getting acquainted and centers around the romance of the
couple. He sees each one separately and then jointly.
◼ The second interview they discuss a budget, family planning and important values in life.
◼ The third interview is a joint interview in which they discuss their interests, how to resolve
conflicts, adjusting to difficulties and the religious role of marriage.

2) Dr. Clyde M. Narramore

There are eight major areas which should be considered in these six sessions. The eight major areas are:

◼ Personality needs
◼ Extra family members
◼ Finance in the home
◼ Children in the Christian home
◼ Sexual problem
◼ Spiritual factors
◼ Ethics in marriage
◼ Crises in marriage

3) Harold L. Rutledge

He stresses the importance of giving the opportunity for self-understanding rather than impartation of
knowledge in early interviews. The interviews are as follows:
 ◼ informal discussion or the beginning and development of the romance, family backgrounds,
personality traits, cultural and educational differences, and parent-Child conflicts, closing with a
personality test;
◼ discussion of previous test and consideration of religious matters-personal and family;
◼ general discussion of physical aspects of marriage, loaning the couple two books The doctor talks
with the bride and groom by Dr. Lena Levine and sex without fear by Lewin and Gilmore, and
suggesting that the couple see a physician before the next interview
◼ recapitulation, pointing out insights for the future;
◼ with the woman alone to talk of previous or personal matters; and
◼ with the man alone for previous or personal matters.

Importance of Pre-marital counselling

◼ Premarital counselling helps to improve the communications between the partners and set realistic
goals for marriage. It also helps to develop conflict-resolution skills. A positive attitude is
established between the couples with the help of premarital counselling.
◼ The primary step of premarital counselling is to prepare would-be bride and groom to understand
the significance of marriage. Such counselling helps them develop the mentality of changing
themselves and adjust with their partners in their spaces.
◼ When bride or groom is mentally prepared for the marriage, the next step is the selection of the
suitable partner. Compatibility between the partners is assessed instead of assessing the individual
merits. This is a difficult job because at this time each partner tries to hide their negative characters
and put their best in front. It is also difficult to predict the way partners will relate with each other
whether love or an arranged or an arranged-cum-love marriage. Inter-caste, inter-religious or
marriage with a foreigner are some critical situations which might cause a problem in future if not
paid attention before marriage.
◼ During counselling, each partner is asked separate questions to answer in written format to assess
their perspectives about each other and their marital relationship. Various issues including gender
equality, liberalisation & opening up of society, women adopting equal responsibility as
breadwinner, nuclear families, demanding lifestyle, extremely cut throat competitive world, and
stresses & strains of day-to-day life are discussed during the session.
◼ It is also important to rule out certain diseases including thalassaemia, haemophilia, sickle-cell
anaemia, and certain strains of Hepatitis, HIV/AIDS, and others before marriage.

Premarital preparation:

Dr. Paul Giblin’s article entitled Premarital Preparation: Three Approaches.

1. An awareness of personal and couple relationship dynamics

2. Feedback on personal and behavioral skills
3. Cognitive change or belief restructuring
4. Skills training
5. Increasing couple relationship stability and satisfaction
6. Enhancing couple communication
7. Normalizing differences to help promote acceptance and learning
8. Relation of marriage to faith experience and beliefs

Goals are necessary to determine the direction of the program as well as a future guide to assess program
effectiveness. Dr. Paul Giblin, professor at Loyola University of Chicago, states, “Psychologically and
spiritually informed goal setting is as important to premarital preparation as it is to marriage.” The goals of
premarital are the basis upon which all the other facets of premarital training build.

Benefits of Effective Premarital Training:

Here is a list of some of the benefits of premarital training with brief explanation.

1. A decrease in the odds of having to go through a divorce. Research indicates that couples which complete
premarital training have a 30% increased chance of avoiding divorce.
2. Higher levels of marital happiness and satisfaction.
3. Gains in communication skills.
4. Increased ability to problem-solve.
5. Increased awareness into the strengths and weaknesses of the relationship.
6. Learn ways to achieve and maintain higher levels of marital satisfaction.
7. Understanding in the areas of commitment, acceptance, forgiveness, and sacrifice which correlate with
healthy relationships.
8. Understanding of gender differences and how they impact couple relationships.
9. Supports that can be called upon in time of crisis or need for direction.
10. Understanding that the marriage may be best if it is delayed or abandoned. In some cases the greatest
benefit is for the couple to realize that they should not marry at that time or at all.

Conclusion:

Premarital counselling may differ by therapist. Some therapists may choose to see each partner
individually for a session or two, while others may work with the couple as a unit throughout the
length of therapy. These individual sessions offer the therapist the chance to work with each partner
to identify and address any concerns, strengths, and weaknesses in the relationship. Doing so
individually in the beginning may help each partner be able to speak more realistically and openly
about their goals for their partnership.

Reference:

teland Foster Wood and Robert Latou Dickinson, Harmony in marriage (New York: Round Table Preas,
Inc., 19:39) 11 P 51.
Judson T. and Mary G. Landis, Building a successful marriage (Third edition. Englewood Cliffs, New
Jersey: Prentice-Hall, Inc., 1958) P 356.
Granger Westberg, Premarital counselling (New York: National council of the churches of christ in the
U.S.A., 1958) p. 20
Charles William Steward, The Minister as Marriage Counsellor, (Nashville: Abingdon Press, 1961), p
51,52.
Quotation from seminar lecture, Dr. Clyde M. Narramore, "Seminar: Premarriage Counselling," Hinson
Memorial Baptist Church, Portland, Oregon, February 27, 1967 ..