Sex Addiction 101: The Workbook

24 Proven Exercises to Guide Sex

Addiction Recovery

by

Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT-S

SEX ADDICTION 101: THE WORKBOOK
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Version 2016.06.17
 Table of Contents

Acknowledgments

Author’s Note

How to Get the Most Out of This Workbook

Section One: Getting Started

Exercise 1: Sexual Addiction Self-Screening Quiz

Exercise 2: Are You Really a Sex Addict?

Exercise 3: Powerlessness and Unmanageability

Exercise 4: Creating Your Sexual Sobriety Plan

Section Two: Understanding Your Addiction

Exercise 5: Denial

Exercise 6: Tolerance and Escalation

Exercise 7: Cross and Co-Occurring Addictions

Exercise 8: Triggers

Exercise 9: The Cycle of Sexual Addiction

Section Three: Relapse Prevention

Exercise 10: Basic Tools for Sexual Sobriety

Exercise 11: Recognizing and Managing Stress

Exercise 12: Creating Your Serenity Spot

Exercise 13: Your Personal Sobriety Reminder

Exercise 14: Your Emergency Exit Plan

Exercise 15: Creating Your Portable Toolkit

Section Four: Working On Your Underlying

Issues

Exercise 16: Understanding Your History

Exercise 17: Nature vs. Nurture

Exercise 18: Trauma (Understanding Victimization

and Abuse)

Exercise 19: Guilt, Shame, and Your Distorted

Sense of Self

Exercise 20: Understanding Your Dependency

Needs
Section Five: Living (and Enjoying) a Sexually
Healthy Life

Exercise 21: Defining Healthy Sexuality (for You)

Exercise 22: Developing Empathy

Exercise 23: For Singles—Your Plan for Healthy

Dating

Exercise 24: Moving from Shame to Grace

Afterword

Basic Resources for Sexual Addicts

About the Author

Other Books By Robert Weiss

 Acknowledgments

This workbook and the longer, more traditional book that

accompanies it, Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from
Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, are dedicated to the individuals who
pioneered and persevered in the early research and treatment of
addictive sexual disorders. If not for each one of you these books
would never have been written. In fact, is it likely that without all of
your shared wisdom and help I would not be here to have written
them. These books are a summation of your commitment to sound
ideas and solid research. Thus, they belong to all of you, as well as
to the readers.

You are the pioneering researchers, therapists, and writers who

risked your professional reputations and careers to help sex addicts
make sense of this shameful, hidden, emotional disorder. Even when
surrounded by professional (and media) arrogance, ignorance,
dismissal, and derision, you fearlessly beat back cultural prejudice
and fear. You constantly discussed the issues that no one else
wanted to discuss, even when it was uncomfortable or out of fashion.
By standing firm in your truth, you helped even the most shame-filled
sex addicts hold out hope that their lives might have genuine worth
and value. I know, because I am one of those people. Thus, I am in
your debt. As are the tens of thousands of other recovering people
whose lives are forever changed for the better.

In this regard I would like to acknowledge and thank: Patrick Carnes,

Ken Adams, Stefanie Carnes, Eli Coleman, Al Cooper, David
Delmonico, Ralph Earle, Martin Kafka, Charlotte Kasl, Mark Laaser,
Wendy Maltz, Jennifer Schneider, Michael Seto, and Brenda Shaffer.
Each of you has helped to make our world a better place.
I would also like to acknowledge and thank my friend Debra Kaplan
for her input and editorial suggestions. Her much appreciated effort
has made the exercises in this workbook even more effective and on
point. I also need to give a shout out to my editor and friend, Scott
Brassart, who helps me keep my writing fresh, organized, and
useful. Scott, I couldn’t do as much as I do without your help, so
thank you.
 Author’s Note

This workbook is not centered on morality, cultural beliefs, cultural

norms, or religion. It is not written as a challenge to those who enjoy
recreational sexuality or nontraditional sexuality, either casually or as
a lifestyle. As a mental health and addiction professional, it is not my
job to judge such behaviors in any way. Instead, I have written this
book to help people whose sexual fantasies and activities have run
amok to the point where they’ve become a driving life force,
overriding their personal goals, beliefs, and lifestyle. In other words,
this book is written for those whose involvement with objectified,
non-intimate sexuality consistently and persistently distracts them
from their larger personal goals.

Although there are many views about whether things like

pornography, virtual sex, casual/anonymous sex, and nontraditional
sex are right or wrong, good or bad, moral or immoral, it is not the
intent of this book to define or address these issues in any
meaningful way. I support every adult in his or her right to engage in
any solo or mutually consensual (and legal) sexual activity or
experience that provides pleasure, satisfaction, and fulfillment. I do
not believe that anyone, therapist or not, has the right to judge what
turns someone on or how a person pursues sexual activity, as long
as that person’s choices do not violate the intrinsic rights and safety
of self or others.

My primary goal here is to assist people who struggle with

compulsive and addictive sexual behaviors by helping them to
identify their problem as the chronic emotional disorder it is, and to
then understand that their problem can be put into remission with
proper care and direction—just like alcoholism, compulsive
gambling, eating disorders, and drug addiction. In a nutshell, I want
those who are suffering from sexual addiction to know that their
sexual concerns can be addressed without shame or
moral/cultural/religious bias. I also seek to offer direction and insight
to therapists who may be unfamiliar with the treatment of sexually
addicted clients. Most of all, I want to offer sex addicts hope, letting
them know that long-term change and healing are possible to
anyone willing to invest in the process of recovery.

—Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT-S

 How to Get the Most Out of This
Workbook

This workbook is built on research-based addiction treatment

methods and more than twenty years of professional experience as
a sex addiction treatment specialist. In other words, a whole lot of
scientific knowledge and clinical experience has gone into this
manual. In fact, over the years and in various forms the 24 updated
and highly refined exercises included herein have helped thousands
of men and women heal from sex, porn, and/or love addiction.

It is my hope that you will not use this workbook as a standalone

resource in your process of healing, as it is written and intended for
use in conjunction with my deeper and more informative full-length
book, Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Love,
and Porn Addiction. That more traditional book and this workbook
are meant complement one another. The traditional book provides in-
depth information about the nature, causes, and treatment of sexual
addiction, and I suggest that you read it first, as that is where you will
find the information, direction, and illustrative stories that underlie the
concrete exercises outlined in this workbook. Meanwhile, this
workbook provides tasks and reflective questions designed to help
you establish and maintain sexual sobriety, and to live a more serene
and fulfilling life.

NOTE: This workbook is available in both print and digital

editions. If you choose the print version, space is provided
in which you can complete the exercises. If you opt for an
eBook, you will need to have your laptop or a notebook
handy, as you will be doing a fair amount of writing. Neither
method is better than the other. Some people like to do
things the old-fashioned way; others are deeply digital in
 their methodology. Whatever format works best for you,
have at it.

To achieve an optimal outcome, I strongly advise you to share your

in-depth responses to the exercises in this workbook with others who
understand sexual addiction and support your recovery—therapists,
12-step sponsors, friends in recovery, trusted clergy, and the like—as
these individuals can provide you with a sounding board, feedback,
and emotional support. When you share your work with
knowledgeable, compassionate, and supportive people in this way,
you are much less likely to miss things and to remain in denial about
certain aspects of your addiction. More importantly, many of the
exercises are likely to create strong and very uncomfortable feelings
—dredging up the past has a way of doing that—and who better to
help you process these emotions (without acting out) than your
recovery support network? At the very least, these folks can reel you
in if/when you start to beat yourself up about your past.

If you are married or in some other committed long-term relationship,

I do not recommend sharing the work you do in this book with your
partner. The exercises in this workbook are meant to help you with
your sexual and emotional challenges. They are not focused on your
spouse or your relationship. Yes, there is a time and place for
transparency and disclosure as a part of relationship healing, but this
should not occur without guidance and support from an experienced
couple’s therapist, preferably one who is familiar with and trained to
handle sexual addiction issues. So don’t leave this workbook on your
desk, or the dining room table, or anyplace else where your
understandably curious partner might easily access it. And please
don’t spontaneously decide to share your work with your significant
other, even if you feel really good about the work you’re doing. No
matter how well intentioned you are, premature, unsupervised
disclosures nearly always cause more harm than healing.
That said, it is perfectly OK to let your spouse know that you have
purchased this workbook and you are actively completing the
exercises as part of your sexual recovery. But make it clear that this
workbook is designed to benefit you and your sexual sobriety, not
your mate or your relationship. If your significant other is curious and
really wants to know what you’re doing, the best thing you can do is
to suggest that he or she read this workbook’s companion volume,
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and
Love Addiction. You might also suggest that the two of you enter into
couples counseling, which lets you talk about your issues and the
work you are doing in a safe and controlled setting, where your and
your partner’s emotions can be healthfully processed and resolved.

For simplicity and clarity, the exercises in this workbook are divided
into five basic sections, each designed to walk you through a
different phase of healing.

• Section one gets you started on the pathway to recovery,

helping you develop a personalized definition of and plan for
sexual sobriety.
• Section two helps you better understand the various facets
and nuances of your addiction.
• Section three focuses on relapse prevention, in particular the
development of coping skills that can help you stay sober no
matter what.
• Section four starts you on the “next step” of healing by
identifying and addressing the underlying issues that drive
your addictive behavior.
• Section five addresses life in sobriety, including dating and
developing a happier, more well-rounded life.
Even though writing down some information in a workbook may
initially seem like a humdrum endeavor, I can assure you that in this
instance it is not. The issues you are writing about and the feelings
this work will evoke are deep and meaningful. As such, it is
imperative that you take breaks when needed—going for walks,
talking with supportive friends, taking naps, hitting the gym, and
doing whatever else it is that helps you feel less stressed (except for
sexual acting out). The goal is not to finish this workbook in record
time, it’s to engage in careful thought and analysis, taking time to
feel whatever it is that you need to feel. So take as much time as you
need. However, you should not procrastinate simply because the
exercises in this book and the emotions they evoke are not always
fun and uplifting.

NOTE: If you find that the exercises in this workbook cause

you to feel extreme stress, anxiety, or depression (perhaps
to the point of not wanting to live), put the book down and
seek professional assistance immediately. After all, this
book is meant to help you, not to punish you or make you
miserable. Hopefully, at a later date when your emotional
discomfort has passed, you’ll be able to return to these
exercises in a better frame of mind, resuming your recovery
from sexual addiction.

In closing, I strongly suggest, no matter where you are in your

personal healing journey, that you work the exercises in the order
presented. Even if you’ve already spent valuable time looking at your
past, you are likely to uncover new and important issues by
repeating this effort. And, once again, I encourage you to share your
work with others who understand sexual addiction and support your
recovery. You will get much more bang for your buck if you do, and
you will find it much easier to remain sexually sober.
 Section One: Getting Started
The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.
—Lao Tzu
 Exercise 1: Sexual Addiction Self-
Screening Quiz

If you are uncertain as to whether you might be a sex addict, the

following quiz is designed to give you some clarity. This test is similar
to the twenty-question quiz that Alcoholics Anonymous offers to help
people decide if they are alcoholic. A scoring key can be found at the
end of the test.

Please answer yes or no to the following 15 questions. In doing

so, you should consider your entire sexual history, not just
recent events. In other words, if you were abusing porn three
years ago but lately your issue has been hookup apps, you
should still take your past porn use into account.

1. Do you find that sexual fantasy, seeking sex, and having sex
have become more important in your life than other things
that you need (and probably want) to focus on, such as work,
family, and non-sexual hobbies?
◯ Yes ◯ No
2. Do you ever regret amount of the time you spend fantasizing
about, searching for, and engaging in sex?
◯ Yes ◯ No
3. Have you promised yourself that you will stop visiting certain
sexual websites, using porn, using certain sexual apps, or
engaging in certain real world sexual activities, only to find
yourself back there again anyway?
◯ Yes ◯ No
4. If you are in a committed relationship, do you repeatedly find
yourself engaging in secretive sexual affairs or casual sexual
activities?
◯ Yes ◯ No
5. Do you find yourself habitually going online, looking for sex
and “losing yourself” for long periods of time, even when
your clear intention was to only be online for a few minutes?
◯ Yes ◯ No
6. Has your obsessive focus on finding and having sex reduced
your ability to focus on and “be present” with your romantic
partner, family, friends, spirituality, work, school, recreational
activities, and/or other important aspects of life?
◯ Yes ◯ No
7. Do you lie and keep secrets from those close to you about
your sexual and/or romantic pursuits and behaviors?
◯ Yes ◯ No
8. Has your obsessive focus on finding and having sex created
negative consequences in your life, such as ruined
relationships, trouble at work or in school, depression,
isolation, anxiety, loss of interest in previously enjoyable
activities, financial woes, legal issues, declining physical
health, etc.?
◯ Yes ◯ No
9. Do you cover up and hide aspects of your sexual life, hoping
to avoid consequences that might occur if you are
discovered or found out?
◯ Yes ◯ No
10. If you are in a committed relationship, would your partner say
(if he or she knew everything) that your sexual activity
 violates relationship boundaries and his or her trust?
◯ Yes ◯ No
11. Has your sexual and/or romantic behavior caused you to
lose anyone or anything important in your life—romantic
relationships, family, career, school, money, self-esteem,
community standing, etc.?
◯ Yes ◯ No
12. Have you ever been arrested, formally warned, or otherwise
reprimanded because of your sexual behavior?
◯ Yes ◯ No
13. Do you view, download, share, or distribute illegal sexual
imagery or engage in illegal sexual activity (exhibitionism,
voyeurism, prostitution, illegal pornography, etc.)?
◯ Yes ◯ No
14. Has your partner, your family, your employer, or a friend ever
complained or expressed concern about the nature and/or
the extent of your sexual activity?
◯ Yes ◯ No
15. Do you become defensive, angry, or extremely ashamed
when asked to look at, give up, or curtail your sexual
activities?
◯ Yes ◯ No

SCORING: If you did not answer yes to any of these questions, you
are probably not a sex addict. If you answered yes to one or two
questions, you are at risk for sexual addiction. If you answered yes
to three or more questions, there is a definite possibility that you are
sexually addicted.
NOTE: An affirmative answer to question 13, regarding
illegal sexual activity, is always a problem, even if you’re not
a sex addict. If you answered yes to that question, you
should absolutely seek confidential advice from a
professional counselor who is skilled in handling such
issues. However, if/when you do this, be aware of the fact
that licensed psychotherapists have mandated reporting
requirements (that vary from state to state) when it comes
to illegal sexual behaviors. You need to find out what these
requirements are before you talk in detail about your
behavior.
 Exercise 2: Are You Really a Sex
Addict?

Sex addicts, especially those new to the process of recovery, are

typically in denial about their problem, even after they’ve answered
yes to the majority of the questions in Exercise 1. They just find it
hard to accept that they truly are sexually addicted, and that they’re
going to have to make some major changes or things are going to
completely fall apart (even worse than they already have).

Generally speaking, there are three primary criteria for sexual

addiction:

1) Preoccupation to the point of obsession with sexual fantasies

and behaviors, with the preoccupation lasting six months or
longer
2) Loss of control over these sexual fantasies and behaviors,
typically evidenced by failed attempts to quit or cut back
3) Negative life consequences related to these out-of-control
sexual fantasies and behaviors—relationship trouble, issues
at work or in school, declining physical health, depression,
anxiety, diminished self-esteem, isolation, financial woes,
loss of interest in previously enjoyable activities, legal
trouble, etc.

Other common signs and symptoms of sexual addiction include:

consistent sexual objectification of self and/or others, tolerance and
escalation, withdrawal, and denial. However, these are not
necessary when assessing for and identifying sexual addiction.
The following exercise is designed to help you to see the true nature
of your addiction by looking at the three primary sex addiction
criteria.

List examples of your preoccupation/obsession with sex.

Example: Before I even get out of bed, I grab my iPhone and check
to see if anyone looked at or contacted me on one of my hookup app
profiles.

Write a few lines about how your preoccupation/obsession with

sex makes you feel (shameful, weak, hopeless, embarrassed,
etc.), and why.

List any attempts you’ve made to either quit or curtail your

sexual behaviors. Note the approximate length of your success.

Example: After getting in trouble at work for misusing my laptop, I

swore off of porn forever. Three days later I borrowed a friend’s
laptop to cruise for porn.

Why do you think you have been unable to successfully curtail

these sexual behaviors?
List any negative life consequences you’ve experienced related
to your sexual behaviors.

Example: A woman I loved and wanted to marry dumped me when

she found out I was hooking up with dozens of other women every
month.

Have these negative consequences affected your sexual

behavior patterns? If so, in what ways? And how do you feel
about that?
 Exercise 3: Powerlessness and
Unmanageability

Step 1 for 12-Step Sexual Recovery

“We admitted we were powerless over sex, and that our lives had
become unmanageable.”

In some ways, this exercise covers the same basic ground as

Exercises 1 and 2, but it does so in 12-step recovery program
language, where addiction is defined by “powerlessness” and
“unmanageability.” In fact, the initial work in all 12-step recovery
programs involves an admission that you are powerless over your
addiction and your addiction has caused your life to become
unmanageable.

• Powerless means you have lost control over your sexual

behaviors. You engage in these behaviors compulsively,
even when you say you don’t want to. And you have no
ability to stop your sexual behaviors once you’ve started (at
least not until after sex and orgasm). Put simply,
powerlessness means that despite the promises you’ve
made to yourself and/or others that you are going to stop
your sexual acting out, you find yourself right back at it.
• Unmanageable speaks primarily to the consequences of
your compulsive sexual behaviors, both direct (obviously
connected) and indirect (less obviously connected). Many
sex addicts have relationship troubles, STDs, reprimands at
work, and even arrests that are very obviously connected to
their out-of-control sexual behaviors. Less obvious
 consequences may include depression, anxiety, feeling worn
out, forgetting to pay bills, eating poorly, loss of interest in
previously enjoyable activities, etc. Any and all of these
issues, both direct and indirect, are examples of
unmanageability.

List examples of your powerlessness over your sexual

behaviors. Use the following format: “Even though I (list a
particular consequence), I continued to (list a particular
addictive sexual activity).”

Example: Even though I got a written warning at work for misusing

my company issued phone, I continued to use hookup apps on it.

List examples of unmanageability (problems and

consequences) related to your sexual behaviors.

Example: I was fired from my job for repeatedly taking long lunches,
mostly because I was getting erotic massages and lap dances.

Do you feel that you are powerless over some of your sexual
behaviors and, as a result, that parts of your life have become
unmanageable? If so, how do you feel about that?
 Exercise 4: Creating Your Sexual
Sobriety Plan

Many sex addicts who are new to the healing process worry that
sexual sobriety requires total and permanent sexual abstinence (as
with substance abuse recovery). Happily, that is not the case.
Instead, sex addicts create a personalized definition of sexual
sobriety by delineating the sexual behaviors that do and do not
compromise and/or destroy their values, life circumstances, and
relationships. Then they agree to avoid their problematic sexual
behaviors in the future. As long as their sexual behaviors do not
violate these highly individualized boundaries, they are sexually
sober.

Because the definition of sexual sobriety takes into account each

person’s values, beliefs, goals, and life history, sexual sobriety looks
different for every addict. For instance, sexual sobriety for a 22-year-
old unpartnered gay man will probably not match sexual sobriety for
a straight 47-year-old married father of three. The goal is not
conformity. Instead, the goal is a non-compulsive, non-secretive,
non-shaming sexual life.

Typically, the process of defining your sexual sobriety begins with a

list of goals. A few commonly stated goals are:

• I no longer want to cheat on or keep secrets from my

spouse.
• I don’t want to worry about catching and/or transmitting
STDs anymore.
• I want to date and feel connected and cared about, instead
of just getting off.
 I don’t want to “lose myself” to pornography and hookup
• apps anymore, forgetting about (or ignoring) other, more
important parts of my life.
• I don’t want to ever again get reprimanded, fired,
approached by security, or arrested regarding my sexual
behavior.
• I want an intimate, caring, honest, and emotionally engaged
relationship with my partner.

Many people will also list less tangible goals like “being a better
person” and “living my life with integrity,” and that is fine, as long as
concrete, sex-specific goals are also mentioned, such as quitting
problematic behaviors, mending broken relationships, and avoiding
future consequences.

Once your goals are clearly stated, you can move forward with the
creation of your personalized sexual boundary plan. These plans,
created to support your goals for recovery, are broken into inner,
middle, and outer boundaries as follows:

Kondisi Kondisi Ketergantungan seksual

Ini adalah kondisi ketergantungan seksual. Di bawah ini terdapat

daftar contoh perilaku seksual (bukan hanya pikiran atau fantasi)
yang menyebabkan masalah dalam hidupmu dan butuh untuk
dihentikan. Dengan kata lain, kondisi terberat dari ketergantungan
seksual dapat menyebabkan masalah dan merusak hidupmu.
Contoh perilaku dari kondisi ini diantaranya:

• Berhubungan seksual dengan pekerja seks dan atau pijat

seksual
• Berhubungan seks dengan orang dekat (misalnya: teman) dan
atau orang tidak dikenal, secara bebas (tanpa biaya).
• Melakukan sexual secara online
• Masturbasi atau onani
The Middle Boundary

Kondisi ini merupakan tanda atau situasi yang dapat membuatmu

kembali kepada kondisi ketergantungan seks. Kamu memiliki daftar
orang-orang, tempat, pikiran, fantasi, peristiwa, dan pengalaman
yang mungkin memicumu untuk kembali melakukan aktvitas
seksual. Sebagai contoh: penggunaan internet, dorongan untuk
pergi ke tempat prostitusi (atau tempat sejenisnya yang dapat
memicu untuk melakukan hubungan seksual), dan mengunduh
aplikasi seksual, perilaku – perilaku ini secara tidak langsung dapat
memicu hasrat seksualmu kembali. Ada banyak cara yang bisa
kamu lakukan untuk mencegahnya diantaranya : mengisi waktu
luangmu dengan bekerja atau beraktivitas, menjaga rahasia, dan
mulai memperhitungan keuangan. Di bawah ini terdapat beberapa
aktivitas yang masuk dalam middle boundary:

• Tidak datang pada sesi terapi

• Berbohong (tentang apapun itu), khususnya orang yang dicinta
• Rasa lapar, marah, cemas, kesepian, bosan, Lelah, dll
• Berantem dan atau berdebat dengan orang lain, khususnya
dengan orang yang dicinta dan atau sosok yang berkuasa
• Perasaan sendiri yang terus-menerus

The Outer Boundary

Ini adalah daftar perilaku dan aktivitas sehat yang bisa kamu lakukan
dan membantumu untuk kearah hidup yang lebih baik, meskipun
demikian tidak hanya terbatas pada kehidupan seks yang sehat dan
tidak merusak. Kenikmatan dari perilaku sehat ini dapat digunakan
sebagai pengganti untuk mengatasi perilaku ketergantungan
seksual. Aktivitas pada batas terluar ini lebih jelas dan pasti,
misalnya: melakukan aktivitas rumah (baik dalam waktu lama atau
pendek). Pada beberapa kasus, daftar tersebut harus mencerminkan
gabungan yang sehay antara bekerja, pemulihan, dan permainan. Di
bawah ini adalah perilaku yang mencerminkan batas terluar:
 Menghabiskan waktu bersama dengan keluarga
 Berkumpul bersama dengan teman-teman
 Melakukan kembali hobi atau mengembangkan kegiatan baru
yang disuka

 • Spend more time with my family, especially my kids.
• Reconnect with old friends.
• Rekindle an old hobby (or develop a new one).
• Get in shape, or at least engage in more physical activities.
• Do volunteer work and become more active in my
community.

When crafting a sexual boundary plan, one potentially tricky area is

masturbation. For many sex addicts, masturbation is an integral part
of the addictive cycle, escalating the fantasies that produce the
“high” of sexual addiction. In such cases, masturbation is either a
slippery but still sober middle boundary behavior or a bottom line
inner boundary behavior. For other sex addicts, masturbation may
actually aid recovery, encouraging appropriate intimacy and
contributing to an overall sense of sexual health and wellbeing.
Given the confusion about masturbation and where to place it within
one’s sexual boundary plan, recovering sex addicts should always
discuss the issue with their therapist or some other accountability
partner, preferably erring on the side of caution.

Each sexual boundary plan starts with a listing of goals

(reasons you’re seeking change). Please list your goals for
sexual recovery.

Example: I don’t want to cheat on my spouse ever again.

Your inner boundary lists the bottom line sexual behaviors that
you need to stop. These are the activities (not thoughts) that are
causing problems in your life. Please list here all of the sexual
behaviors that drove you into recovery—the activities that you
need to stop and stop now.

Example: Looking at and masturbating to pornography (of any kind).

Your middle boundary lists warning signs and slippery

situations that might lead you back to inner boundary activities.
Please list here the people, places, thoughts, fantasies, events,
and experiences that might either directly or indirectly spark
your desire to act out sexually.

Example: Finding myself alone for long stretches of time with

nothing specific to do.

Your outer boundary lists healthy behaviors and activities that

can lead you toward your short and long-term life goals,
including but not even remotely limited to having a healthy,
nondestructive, and emotionally satisfying sex life. Please list
here the healthy behaviors you can turn to as a replacement for
your sexual acting out.

Example: I want to spend more time playing games and having fun
with friends and family, especially my kids.
 Section Two: Understanding Your
Addiction
Ignorance is the curse of God; knowledge is the wing wherewith we
fly to heaven.
—William Shakespeare
 Exercise 5: Denial

Unlike healthy people who use past mistakes and their feelings
about those mistakes to guide future decisions and behaviors, sex
addicts tend to deny and defend against the problematic nature of
their choices, rationalizing and justifying behaviors that pretty much
anyone else could and would readily identify as troubling,
compulsive, and maybe even dangerous. In short, sex addicts find
ways to ignore the seriousness of their sexual acting out so they can
continue with those behaviors. Unfortunately, this willful ignorance—
this denial—can go on for years.

With sexual addiction, denial can take many forms. The most
common are listed below.

Blame/Externalization

• My spouse never wants to try anything new in bed.

Otherwise, I wouldn’t be looking for satisfaction elsewhere.
• I can’t help it if other people come on to me.
• My partner has gained a lot of weight since we got married,
and that’s unattractive to me.

Entitlement

• I earn all the money for my family and nobody appreciates

that, so I look at porn for a few hours here and there as my
reward.
• I’m lonely and bored, and that’s just not the way that life is
supposed to be.
 • I deserve to have some fun.

Justification

• If I was in a relationship I’d be having sex all the time, so why

can’t I have sex all the time when I’m single?
• I need to do this to reduce my tension and anxiety.
• Everybody else can look at porn, so why can’t I?

Minimization

• I’ll only do this one more time.

• What my spouse doesn’t know can’t hurt him/her.
• All I’m doing is chatting on webcam. It’s not like I’m actually
cheating.

Rationalization

• I see prostitutes, but I’m nice to them. I pay them what they
want and even give them a little extra. I’m clean and a good
lover, too, and that’s a nice treat for them.
• Nobody will find out, so what I’m doing is not a big deal.
• Everybody looks at porn and plays around with hookup apps.
That’s just life in the modern world.

Victim Mentality

• I was sexually abused as a kid, so this behavior is expected.

• Everybody wants so much from me. I just feel overwhelmed
and at the mercy of everyone in my life. And my only relief,
 the only time I feel in control, is when I’m being sexual.
• Look how much I am giving to my family, my friends, my
work. What about me? When is it my turn?

As a sex addict, you almost certainly engage in extensive denial.

The following exercise will help you to see the ways in which your
denial facilitates your addiction.

List examples for each form of denial you’ve used to support

your sexual behaviors.

Blame/Externalization

Example: My mate ignores my sexual needs, so my cheating is

his/her fault, not mine.

Entitlement

Example: I work hard and I provide for my family, so I deserve a little

reward.

Justification

Example: My life is stressful, and a little bit of casual sex is a great

way to relax.
Minimization

Example: I’m only masturbating on webcams. It’s not like I’m having
sex with a real person.

Rationalization

Example: Some guys grab a couple of beers after work. I get a

massage. What’s the difference?

Victim Mentality

Example: My partner doesn’t love me or want to have sex with me.

So what am I supposed to do?

Write a few lines about the responses given above, specifically

addressing what you learned about your denial and how you
feel about this insight.

If you have a therapist, a 12-step sexual recovery sponsor, or

supportive friends in recovery, try reading your examples of
denial to one or more of them. If you are able to do this, what
did these rationalizations sound like out loud in the presence of
another person? What responses did you get?
 Exercise 6: Tolerance and Escalation

Addicts of all types experience an increasing tolerance to the mood-

altering effects of their behavior. As a result, they must, over time,
use more of or a more intense version of their addiction if they wish
to achieve and maintain the desired neurochemical high. As an
example, consider drug abuse. Almost nobody shoots heroin right
out of the gate. Instead, drug addicts ease into things by drinking
alcohol, smoking marijuana, or abusing a prescription medication.
Then, as time passes, their tolerance increases and, in response,
their habits escalate. Before they know it, they’re in a back alley with
a needle in their arm.

Sex addicts escalate their behavior in similar fashion. For instance,

occasionally viewing and masturbating to generic (i.e., vanilla) online
porn is typically regarded as an enjoyable and relatively innocuous
activity, akin to drinking a beer or inhaling a few puffs of marijuana.
For some people, however, harmless recreation escalates into an all-
consuming activity, pushing the user away from relationships, family,
work, hobbies, and other life-affirming activities. Hours and
sometimes even days are lost to digital sexual intensity. Eventually,
the user is looking at and being turned on by increasingly more
intense sexual imagery and/or engaging in other sexual activities
(webcam sex, casual sex, anonymous sex, etc.)

As mentioned above, there are two ways in which sexual addiction

escalates. One involves increased time devoted to the addiction. The
other involves increased intensity. It is likely that you experienced
both—losing immense amounts of time and engaging in behaviors
that would have seemed outrageous when you started. This exercise
will help you see the ways in which your addiction has escalated,
and how this has affected you.
List examples of time-related escalation you’ve experienced
with your addiction.

Example: In the beginning, I would use a hookup app once or twice

a week at most, usually on a Friday or a Saturday if/when I didn’t
have a date. Now I’m on multiple apps nonstop, 24/7/365. I even
check them in the middle of the night sometimes.

List examples of intensity-related escalation you’ve

experienced with your addiction.

Example: In the beginning, I was totally turned on by soft-core porn.

But as my addiction has progressed I’ve been looking at harder stuff,
including all sorts of kinky stuff that would have grossed me out
when I started.

Do you find yourself engaging in behaviors today that surprise

you or that violate your personal code of ethics? If so, what are
they, and how do you feel about that?
 Exercise 7: Cross and Co-Occurring
Addictions

Secondary addictions and compulsions are common among sex

addicts (and other types of addicts, too). In this exercise we are
focused on two types of secondary addictions: cross-addictions and
co-occurring addictions.

• Cross addiction occurs when addicts switch from one

problem behavior/substance to another. For example, when
a cross-addicted sex addict/alcoholic is not behaving in
sexually compulsive ways, he or she is probably drinking
alcoholically, and when the addict is not drinking, he or she
is probably acting out sexually.
• Co-occurring addiction occurs when addicts use multiple
addictive behaviors/substances simultaneously. For
example, many sex addicts are co-addicted to both sex and
stimulant drugs such as cocaine and methamphetamine. If
these individuals are getting high, they are almost certainly
chasing sex too, and if they are chasing sex, they are
probably also getting high.

Alcohol, used as both a disinhibitor and as a way to feel better about

tolerating uncomfortable sexual behavior choices, is among the most
common secondary drugs of choice for sex addicts. Stimulant drugs
(cocaine, meth) are also commonly abused in conjunction with sex.
Additionally, many of the men and women with a co-occurring sex
and stimulant addiction abuse benzodiazepines (Valium, Ativan,
Xanax, and the like), alcohol, and/or over-the-counter cold medicines
as a way to “come down” and get some sleep when the party is
finally over. Erection enhancers like Viagra, Levitra, and Cialis are
also commonly abused in conjunction with sexual addiction.

As my longtime friend and colleague Pat Carnes notes in his highly

regarded article, “Bargains with Chaos: Sex Addicts and Addiction
Interaction Disorder,” secondary addictions and compulsions
typically manifest in one of eleven basic ways:

1. Alternating Cycles: Switching back and forth from one

addiction to another, often for years on end (i.e., flipping
between binge drinking and sexual acting out)
2. Combining: Combining various addictive
substances/behaviors to create the perfect high (i.e., mixing
meth with porn and then cybersex)
3. Cross-Tolerance: Using one addiction as a way to tolerate
another (i.e., getting drunk or smoking cigarettes to self-
soothe shame about sexual behaviors)
4. Disinhibiting: Using one addiction to reduce inhibitions
related to a second addiction (i.e., getting high before having
sex with a stranger or a prostitute)
5. Fusing: Using one addiction to amplify another (i.e., using
cocaine or methamphetamine to heighten the pleasure of
orgasm)
6. Inhibiting: Viewing one addiction as the lesser of two evils
(i.e., smoking cigarettes instead of looking at porn all night)
7. Masking: Using one addiction to hide another (i.e., going to
AA for alcoholism but never looking at compulsive sexual
activity)
8. Numbing: Using one addiction to numb the shame of
another (i.e., getting drunk or high after cheating on your
spouse)
 Replacement: Replacing one addiction with another (i.e.,
9. cutting down on the use of hookup apps by gambling for
hours on end)
10. Rituals: Incorporating one addiction into the ritual phase of
another (i.e., buying cocaine or methamphetamine before
beginning the search for a prostitute)
11. Withdrawal Mediation: Using one addiction to stop another
(i.e., shopping compulsively as a way to stay out of sex
clubs)

List any and all potentially addictive substances that you have
used in your lifetime, noting how often you currently use them.
Highlight or otherwise note any substances that you have
consistently used in conjunction with sexual behaviors. (Do not
ignore prescription meds like Viagra, Xanax, and the like.)

Example: Marijuana. I started when I was 14. I get high several

times per week, if not daily. Before I head out to have sex with
someone I’ve met on a hookup app, I smoke some dope to relax.

List any (nonsexual) addictive/compulsive behaviors (binge

eating, compulsive gambling, compulsive spending, etc.) you
have used in your lifetime, noting how often you currently
engage in these behaviors. Highlight or otherwise note any
behaviors you have consistently used in conjunction with
sexual behaviors (including use as a way to avoid feeling
shame about your sex life).
Example: Binge eating. This started in my late teens. I almost
always do this after I act out sexually. For instance, after I see a
prostitute I’ll buy a half-gallon of ice cream and eat the whole thing,
trying to make myself feel better.

Do you feel that you might have (or that you could eventually
develop) a cross or co-occurring addiction? If so, what is it, and
what makes you think it might be a problem? And how do you
feel about this revelation?

What, if anything, are you willing to do to address this

secondary issue (i.e., go to therapy, attend a 12-step group, talk
to a friend or family member, etc.)?
 Exercise 8: Triggers

Sex addiction triggers are thoughts and feelings that induce the
strong desire—the craving—to engage in addictive sexual fantasies
and behaviors. There are two primary types of triggers: internal and
external.

• Internal triggers typically involve some type of emotional

discomfort—depression, shame, anxiety, anger, fear, guilt,
remorse, boredom, etc. For instance, if/when a married sex
addict’s spouse is away for a few days (or even a few hours),
he or she might feel lonely, and this emotional discomfort
might trigger a desire to act out sexually.
• External triggers are people, places, things, and/or events.
For instance, if/when a sex addict sees an old affair partner;
he or she might be triggered to act out sexually.

Sex addicts must also deal with intertwined triggers (triggers that are
both internal and external). For instance, if/when a sex addict argues
with his or her spouse or has a bad day at work (an external trigger)
he or she is likely to experience emotional discomfort (an internal
trigger), with both triggers causing a desire to act out sexually. And
this desire may be exacerbated by visual triggers that remind the
addict of his or her addiction (such as driving past strip clubs and
prostitutes).

NOTE: Not all triggers are negative in nature. For example,

material successes and positive emotions will often evoke a
desire to celebrate, and thus a desire to act out sexually.
In truth, almost anything can be a trigger. Even past memories can
be triggers. For instance, if your boss looks at one of your co-
workers crossly, this might remind you of your alcoholic father and
the way he used to hit and yell at your brother, thereby creating
various forms of emotional discomfort for you in the current moment
—fear, anger, shame, etc. This emotional discomfort can then
become a trigger for your sexual addiction, even though your boss’s
cross expression has nothing at all to do with you.

A few of the more common internal triggers for sexual acting out are:

• Unresolved resentments and anger

• Loneliness
• Boredom
• Fear
• Anxiety
• Frustration
• Low self-esteem
• Shame (feeling useless, worthless, and/or unlovable)
• Stress
• Feeling unappreciated
• Sadness or grief
• An unmet need for validation and/or affection
• A few of the more common external triggers for sexual acting
out are:
• Unstructured time alone
• Travel (especially when traveling alone)
• Relationship strain and/or breakups
• Unexpected life changes (job, finances, tragedies, etc.)
• Highly stimulating positive experiences (like buying a home
or getting a new job)
• Drug and/or alcohol use/abuse
 • Unexpected exposure to sexual stimuli (a lingerie catalog, a
sexy billboard, encountering an attractive person, etc.)
• Arguments (especially with loved ones and authority figures)
• Reprimands
• Financial insecurity
• Trouble within the family (like a child struggling at school)
• An emotionally or physically unavailable spouse

The following exercise is designed to help you identify your primary

triggers toward addiction.

List internal triggers for your sexual behavior. After you

complete your list, place an asterisk (*) next to the triggers that
you struggle with the most.

Example: Feeling depressed and alone.

List external triggers for your sexual behavior. After you

complete your list, place an asterisk (*) next to the ones that
you struggle with the most.

Example: Driving past a strip club.

Based on the previous two questions, create a list of your top

five most powerful triggers.
For each of your top five triggers, list a healthy activity you can
turn to instead of your addiction.

Example: I am triggered when I feel lonely. Instead of acting out, I

can call my 12-step sexual recovery sponsor and tell him/her how
I’m feeling.
 Exercise 9: The Cycle of Sexual
Addiction

Sexual addiction is cyclical in nature, with no clear beginning or end

and one stage of the cycle leading to the next (and then the next).
Today, most sex addiction treatment specialists divide the cycle of
sexual addiction into six distinct stages.

• Stage One—Triggers: As discussed in Exercise 8, triggers

are catalysts that create a need/desire to act out sexually.
Triggers can be internal or external in nature. If triggers are
not dealt with in a healthy way (dissipated via a healthy, non-
addictive coping mechanism like talking to supportive
friends, family members, or a therapist), then the cycle
inevitably slides forward into stage two.
• Stage Two—Fantasy: After being triggered, you
automatically turn to your primary coping mechanism (sexual
fantasy). In short, you start thinking about how much you
enjoyed past sexual encounters and how much you would
enjoy a sexual encounter either right now or in the near
future. These fantasies do not involve memories of bad
experiences or unwanted consequences. Once you are
mired in fantasy, it is very difficult to stop the addictive cycle.
• Stage Three—Ritualization: Ritualization is where fantasy
moves toward reality. For example, you log on to the
computer and go to your favorite porn site, or you hop in the
car and drive to a place where sex workers congregate, or
you begin the process of booking an out-of-town business
trip on which you can act out sexually without restraint, or
whatever. This stage of the cycle is also known as the
 bubble or the trance because you lose touch with reality in it.
This stage of the addiction, rather than actually having sex,
provides the escapist neurochemical high that you seek.
• Stage Four—Acting Out: Most non-sex addicts think that
this stage, rather than stage three, is the ultimate goal of
sexual addiction, because this is where actual sex and
orgasm takes place (either solo or with another person or
people). However, as stated above, the fantasy-fueled
escape and dissociation of stage three is your real objective.
In fact, if you’re like most sex addicts, you try to postpone
this stage for as long as you can because orgasm ends your
escapist high.
• Stage Five—Distancing/Numbing: After you act out
sexually, you try to distance yourself emotionally from what
you’ve just done. Basically, your thinking is now focused on
“damage control,” and you engage in various forms of denial
—blaming, justifying, rationalizing, etc. You do this in an
attempt to protect yourself from stage six of the cycle.
• Stage Six—Despair (Shame/Anxiety/Depression): Over
time, distancing/numbing fades and becomes less effective.
And when it does, you start to feel shame and remorse about
your secret sexual life. Exacerbating these unwanted
emotions is the fact that you feel powerless over your
addiction. Plus, whatever reality you were trying to escape in
the first place returns, bringing with it the same emotional
discomfort you were feeling before. And, as you may recall,
emotional discomfort is exactly what triggered your addiction
in the first place. In other words, stage six spins the self-
perpetuating cycle right back to stage one.
The following exercise is designed to help you understand your
addictive cycle by examining the events and feelings that occur
before, during, and after you sexually act out. The ultimate goal in
understanding your cycle is finding ways to stop the cycle before you
engage in an addictive behavior.

List your top five triggers toward sexual acting out (from
Exercise 8). For any external triggers, attach one or more
feelings to that trigger.

Example: Driving past a strip club. I feel curious, excited, and

agitated.

Briefly describe, in non-graphic terms, five sexual fantasies that

you commonly engage in after you are triggered toward sexual
addiction.

Example: I think about having sex with my assistant or some other

younger female, and how hot that will be.

Briefly describe, in non-graphic terms, five rituals that precede

your addictive sexual behaviors. Rituals are often (but not
always) related to the fantasies described above. Note how long
you typically intend to engage in this activity, and how long you
typically do engage in this activity.
Example: I go online and look at porn, thinking I will only do so for a
few minutes, but then I end up doing it for several hours, constantly
searching for a better, hotter video.

List, in non-graphic, non-sexualized language, five ways in

which you sexually act out. Sexual acting out is usually (but not
always) a direct extension (logical conclusion) of the rituals
described above.

Example: I hire a prostitute, paying for oral sex.

List five ways in which you distance yourself from your

behavior after you act out—blaming, justifying, minimizing,
rationalizing, etc.

Example: I tell myself that this time wasn’t as bad as the time before.

List five examples of the despair that eventually kicks in after

you’ve acted out.

Example: I feel as if I will never be able to stop these horrible

behaviors.
What have you learned about your sex addiction cycle? How do
you feel after completing this exercise?
Section Three: Relapse Prevention
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
—Benjamin Franklin
 Exercise 10: Basic Tools for Sexual
Sobriety

Unfortunately, triggers for sexual addiction are unavoidable. There

will always be an attractive person walking by, a billboard that gets
your attention, or an unexpectedly sexy scene in a movie. Such is
life. You will encounter triggers on a regular basis no matter what you
do. Recognizing this, it is helpful to have a set of easily utilized in-
the-moment tools you can turn to when triggered (or think that you
might be triggered). A few tools you may wish to develop and
implement include:

• Bookending: You can arrange to “bookend” potentially

triggering events with phone calls to a supportive friend in
recovery. During the “before” call you commit to sobriety, and
you may even discuss plans to avoid relapse. The “after” call
provides an opportunity to discuss what happened, what
feelings came up, and what you might need to do differently
next time.
• Gratitude: A great way to combat “stinking thinking” is to
create a gratitude list. Writing a ten-item gratitude list nearly
always counteracts almost any trigger and halts the addictive
cycle.
• HALT (an acronym for Hungry, Angry/Anxious, Lonely,
and Tired): As a sex addict, you must learn to ask yourself:
When is the last time I ate? Did I get enough sleep last
night? Is there some conflict in my life that I need to resolve?
Would a few minutes spent talking with someone who
understands me help me to feel better? More often than not,
 a catnap, a candy bar, or a five minute phone conversation
will greatly diminish your desire to sexually act out.
• Rubber Banding: With this, you place a rubber band around
your wrist, and whenever you recognize an addictive sexual
thought or fantasy you pull the rubber band and release it so
it snaps against your arm—ouch!—as a way to distract
yourself.
• The Three-Second Rule: As a sex addict, you cannot
control the thoughts you have or the fact that you feel
triggered. You can, however, control what you do with those
thoughts and feelings. For instance, after spotting an
attractive person, you can acknowledge that you are human
and it is normal to feel an attraction. However, as a sex
addict, you need to turn away from the triggering individual
within three seconds. Then, without turning back for another
look, you should think about the other person as someone’s
wife/daughter/sister or father/son/brother, wishing that
individual and his or her family all the best. In short, when
you catch yourself objectifying another person, you
immediately turn away and try to humanize that person.
• Turning It Over: This is a variation of the three-second rule
described above. Essentially, after recognizing an addictive
sexual thought or fantasy, you give yourself a maximum of
three seconds to turn away from it and focus on something
else—the score of last night’s game, what you need from the
grocery store, how much you love your spouse, the trouble
your kid is having with algebra, etc. Of course, during difficult
periods unwanted sexual thoughts may pop into your head
almost constantly; one unwanted fantasy is banished and
 moments later another arrives. When this occurs, the three-
second rule and turning it over can be used repeatedly.

Of course, the half-dozen tools listed above are hardly the full
arsenal. Other in-the-moment sobriety tools that you may want to
think about include:

• Journaling
• Attending an online support group or meeting
• Prayer and/or meditation
• Reading recovery related literature
• Written 12-step work
• 12-step sponsorship (and similar forms of ongoing outreach
to other recovering sex addicts)
• Any activity listed in the outer boundary of your sexual
sobriety plan

Create a list of in-the-moment sobriety tools that you think will

work for you. Write a sentence about why you believe each of
these tools will be effective. Describe a way to create something
physical (or digital) that will help you to implement each of
these tools.

Example: Bookending. I have lots of work-related social events, and

I know that I may be triggered at them. If I commit to sobriety before
each event and check in afterward, I will have an extra layer of
protection against my addiction. I can add numbers of friends in
recovery to my phone, making it easy to call someone and bookend
a potentially problematic event.

Tool 1:
Tool 2:

Tool 3:

Tool 4:

Tool 5:
 Exercise 11: Recognizing and
Managing Stress

Stress is a primary trigger toward relapse for most recovering sex

addicts. As such, it is important to understand the various areas of
your life that cause you to feel stress, and to develop at least a few
effective stress management techniques. For most of us, stress
centers around work, school, finances, romance, sex, and/or family.
Other potential stressors include self-care (food, exercise, sleep,
etc.), physical health (illness, injury, aging, etc.), losses (death,
moving, job change, etc.), social life, hobbies, and
religion/spirituality.

There are countless ways to manage stress. For ideas, take a look
at the outer boundary of your sexual sobriety plan. Beyond what you
have listed in your outer boundary, you might consider the following:

• Journaling
• Meditating
• Doing fun things (games, outings, movies, and the like) with
your spouse, kids, friends, etc.
• Exercising, especially on a team or with others
• Developing a new hobby or enjoying an old one
• Being emotionally intimate with your spouse
• Reading recovery oriented literature
• Going to 12-step meetings, therapy, and/or faith-based
support groups
• Taking a class for fun or to further your professional life
• Gardening
• Sprucing up the house
• Caring for a pet
 • Taking a warm, relaxing bath
• Music—playing it or listening to it
• Going for a hike or walk or otherwise spending time in nature

List areas of your life that cause you stress, either regularly or
sporadically. Note the frequency with which stress arises in
each area, and the severity of that stress.

Example: Finances. I worry about money constantly. The stress is

ongoing. Depending on my bank account, my anxiety ranges from
moderate to severe.

Based on the above list, pick your three most common/severe

areas for stress, and list the specific ways in which that stress
manifests.

Example: Money: I feel anxious when we’re planning for vacations,

and I can’t relax when we’re on those vacations because I’m worried
that we can’t afford whatever it is we’re doing. I get irritable and
tense when I should be enjoying myself. I get short-tempered with
my family because they’re having fun while I’m feeling stressed out.

Stressor Number One:

Stressor Number Two:

Stressor Number Three:

What, if any, are your most effective stress management

techniques?

Example: When I feel stressed, I take three deep breaths, and then I
tell myself that everything will be OK.

List activities you are willing to commit to on a regular basis in

order to become a more calm and centered person. These
should be action items, preferably engaged in with other
people.

Example: I am committed to attending a weekly meditation and yoga

class.
 Exercise 12: Creating Your Serenity
Spot

In Exercise 11, meditation was suggested as a potential stress

management technique. However, most recovering sex addicts,
especially those new to the process, find it incredibly difficult to “sit
quietly and empty their minds.” In fact, when they try to meditate in
this way they typically find themselves either obsessing about the
past or future tripping (worrying about things that might happen in
the future). If that is the case for you, developing a peaceful and safe
serenity spot that you can visit when meditating may be extremely
helpful.

NOTE: This is a visualization exercise. You may want to

record the instructions below on your smartphone or some
other digital device, and then you can listen to the
instructions as you close your eyes and visualize.

Instructions for creating your serenity spot are as follows:

• Find a quiet, comfortable space.

• Turn off your TV, radio, phone, and anything else that makes
noise or that might interrupt you.
• When you are ready, sit with both of your feet on the floor
and your hands placed lightly above your knees.
• Close your eyes and take some deep, slow, relaxing breaths.
• As you relax and breathe, let your mind wander with the idea
of finding your serenity spot.
• Your serenity spot should be secluded, meaning you are
protected from intruders, attacks, and interruptions.
• Your serenity spot can be a place you have been to. It can
also be a place you have seen on TV or in a movie, or that
you’ve read about in a book. Or it can be totally imaginary,
original to you and you alone. It can be in nature, your home,
or any other relaxing environment.
• Give yourself as much time as you need, allowing your
serenity spot to materialize instead of forcing it to appear.
There is no rush. If you can’t find your serenity spot today,
that’s OK. You can try this exercise again tomorrow.
• Once you locate your serenity spot, notice everything that
you see in all directions. Turn around and take a 360 degree
look.
• Is it day or night in your space? What is the quality of the
light? What colors do you see? Can you see the sun (or the
moon, if it’s nighttime)?
• Now feel the ground beneath your feet. What is it like? Is it
dry, moist, grainy, fine, smooth, rough, or something else? Is
it soft? Can you run it through your fingers?
• What do you hear? Are there birds and animals? Is there
water nearby—perhaps a stream or even the ocean? Is the
wind rustling through the trees?
• What does the air feel like? Is it dry, moist, or something in
between? Is it warm or cool? Does it feel heavy on your skin,
or light?
• What can you smell? Are there flowers nearby? If so, what
kind? Can you smell trees and grass, the mossy earth, or the
ocean? Can you taste any of the odors?
• Now let yourself relax and enjoy your serenity spot for as
long as you wish.
 • Eventually, when you feel ready, let yourself return from your
serenity spot, knowing you can visit it again any time you’d
like, for as long as you’d like.

After you have returned from your serenity spot, describe it

below as thoroughly as you can. Be sure to cover all of your
five senses—sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch. Try to also
describe the sensation of comfort and safety that your serenity
spot gives you.
 Exercise 13: Your Personal Sobriety
Reminder

Imagine that a dear friend or loved one has written a letter for you to
read just before you start to act out. What could that person say to
you to keep you from it? Perhaps the letter would read as follows:

Dear XXXXX:

If you’re reading this note, it’s probably because you are feeling
triggered and you’re thinking about violating your sexual boundary
plan. Maybe you just saw some incredibly hot person and now
you’re thinking about sex. More likely, however, you are feeling
lonely, anxious, depressed, ashamed, or bored, and you don’t want
to feel this way. So you’re thinking about the excitement of illicit sex
because you know that will take you away from your emotional
discomfort.

It is possible that you’re thinking about calling an old sex partner,

looking at porn, checking out a hookup app, or hiring a prostitute.
Any and all of these actions would violate your sexual boundary
plan. You may be thinking about these things even though you know
that once you get started with addictive sexual behaviors, you can’t
seem to stop.

If you give in to these urges, you’ll find yourself right back in the
cycle of sexual addiction, and your life will start to fall apart just like it
did before. You’ll waste incredible amounts of time and money. You’ll
lose focus. You’ll put yourself at risk for STDs. You’ll feel ashamed
about your behavior and your inability to keep the commitments
you’ve made to yourself and your family. You’ll start lying and
keeping secrets as a way to cover up your bad behavior. You’ll
ruin
your marriage. You’ll put your career and your standing in the
community at risk. You might even get arrested. Worst of all, you will
feel incredibly depressed and anxious—maybe even suicidal.

I know you don’t want those things. You’ve been there before and it
was awful. So instead of acting out and ruining your sobriety, call
your wife just to hear her voice. Play a game with your kids. Walk
the dog. Get started on that big project at work. Read a book. Call a
friend in recovery. Paint the house. Take a nap. Plan a family
vacation. Eat a candy bar. Go to the gym. Volunteer at the local
soup kitchen. Do whatever it is that you have to do to break the
cycle of your addiction, and do it right now. Because the sooner you
stop the cycle, the better off you will be.

When you are not acting out sexually, your life is better. You know
this. And the longer you are sexually sober, the better it gets. You
feel more connected to other people, you are more focused at work,
and you are more present with your family. Your finances are better.
You enjoy the company of other people, and they enjoy you in
return. You no longer need to compartmentalize, hide, and lie about
huge chunks of your life. You are happy.

If you are still unsure what to do right now, ask yourself: If my wife
and kids could see what I was thinking about doing, how would I feel
about that? If you would feel good, then proceed. Otherwise, think
about doing something else. And no matter what, remember that
even though you may be feeling worthless and unlovable right now,
you’re not. You are lovable and worthwhile, and you deserve a
happy, healthy, emotionally fulfilling life. Sex addiction will not bring
you that. Sexual sobriety will.

Sincerely,
XXXXX
Would you like to have a sobriety reminder like the one above that
you could turn to in times of need? If so, you can. In fact, you’re
going to write that reminder now.

Address your reminder letter to you, from you, and be sure to

include the following:

• What might be happening that would cause you to reach

for this letter
• What you might be thinking about doing that would
violate your sexual boundary plan
• What will happen if you act out in this (or some other)
way
• What you can do that will stop the cycle of your sexual
addiction
• What your life can/will look like if you don’t act out
 Exercise 14: Your Emergency Exit
Plan

As a recovering sex addict, you will be triggered to act out sexually.

It’s going to happen, and that’s a fact, and there is nothing you can
do to stop it. Recognizing this, it is helpful to have an emergency exit
plan in place, and to practice the concrete steps of this plan until
your ability to step away from the cycle of your addiction becomes
ingrained and automatic.

As with any emergency exit plan, from tornado drills in grammar

school to earthquake drills in your office high-rise, there are three
essential elements:

• An obvious and unmistakable alarm signal

• A straightforward plan for escape
• A way to practice this plan so that, when needed, you can
exit automatically

If you’re like most recovering sex addicts you have both obvious and
discreet alarms. Obvious alarms would be engaging in any middle
boundary activity—arguing with your partner, skipping therapy or a
12-step meeting, driving through an iffy neighborhood for no reason,
etc. Less obvious alarms tend to involve emotional discomfort—
depression, anxiety, shame, boredom, anger, loneliness, etc. In
short, pretty much anything in your middle boundary or your list of
triggers qualifies as an alarm.

The steps you can take in response to an alarm also tend to be

straightforward. You can call your sponsor or a friend in recovery, go
to a meeting, pray, meditate, exercise, spend time with your kids,
etc. In fact, anything in your outer circle will likely work.

As for a routine way to learn these steps? You do this the same way
you learned about fire and earthquake safety—practice, practice,
practice. And you don’t need to be in crisis to practice. For instance,
if one of your healthy responses to an alarm signal is calling a friend
in recovery, you can practice when you’re feeling good by calling to
check in and to ask how that person is doing. You might even
suggest that the two of you do something fun and social—see a
movie, go bowling, have lunch, etc. Over time, using the phone when
you don’t need help makes it a lot easier to use the phone when you
actually do need assistance.

Create your personalized emergency exit plan below, with ten

alarms, ten healthy responses, and ten practice techniques. Be
as specific as possible. When your emergency exit plan is
completed, practice your healthy responses, one (or more) per
day until you have been through your list at least three times.

Example:
Alarm Signal—Feeling anxiety and wanting to escape that feeling
with pornography
Healthy Response—Call my sponsor or a friend in recovery to talk
about what I am feeling
Practice Technique—Call that person just to say hi and to see how
they are doing

Alarm Signal 1:

Healthy Response:

Practice Technique:
Alarm Signal 2:

Healthy Response:

Practice Technique:

Alarm Signal 3:

Healthy Response:

Practice Technique:

Alarm Signal 4:

Healthy Response:

Practice Technique:

Alarm Signal 5:

Healthy Response:

Practice Technique:

Alarm Signal 6:

Healthy Response:

Practice Technique:

Alarm Signal 7:

Healthy Response:

Practice Technique:

Alarm Signal 8:
 Healthy Response:

Practice Technique:

Alarm Signal 9:

Healthy Response:

Practice Technique:

Alarm Signal 10:

Healthy Response:

Practice Technique:
 Exercise 15: Creating Your Portable
Toolkit

The time has come for you to create an actual toolkit, packed with
tools for sexual sobriety, that you can carry around with you at all
times, opening it up when you are triggered and grabbing whatever
tool is needed. Consider purchasing a briefcase, messenger bag,
portfolio, or some other bag to house your tools. Do not jumble your
tools into a case that you also use for work or some other purpose.
Your sexual sobriety toolkit needs to be discrete and easily
assessable, and you should not have to search through other stuff to
locate the tools within it.

Items you might want in your toolkit include:

• A printed version of your sexual boundary plan (Exercise 4)

• A printed list of helpful phone numbers—therapist, 12-step
sponsor, friends in recovery, etc.
• 12-step meeting lists (and meeting lists for any other support
groups you attend)
• Photos of your spouse and kids
• Rubber bands
• Candy bars (or a healthier snack)
• A list of things for which you are grateful
• A list of effective stress management techniques (Exercise
11)
• Meditation aids, including a description of your serenity spot
(Exercise 12)
• Your written reminder about the importance of sobriety
(Exercise 13)
 • Your emergency exit plan (Exercise 14)
• Recovery related literature
• Your recovery journal
• Etc.

Many sex addicts also like to keep digitized versions of these items
(if they can be digitized, and almost all of them can) on their
smartphones, tablets, laptops, and other digital devices.

List the items that you want in your portable toolkit, with a brief
statement about when and how each particular item might help
you.

Now create your portable toolkit. After you have done so, write
a few sentences about how your portable toolkit makes you feel
(safe, protected, prepared, etc.)
 Section Four: Working On Your
Underlying Issues
We fear violence less than our own feelings. Personal, private,
solitary pain is more terrifying than what anyone else can inflict.
—Jim Morrison
 Exercise 16: Understanding Your
History

For the most part, sex addicts engage in compulsive sexual

behaviors as a way to self-medicate emotional discomfort. Much of
the time this emotional discomfort is more about their life history than
current events. Knowing this, it is important for you to fully examine
your life, in particular your sexual history, your substance use history,
your relationship/intimacy history, your school/work history, and other
critical life events. Doing this lends perspective to your addiction,
revealing connections between the past and the present, helping you
understand more about when, where, why, and how your addiction
started. At the same time, this exercise helps you understand the
impact of your sexually compulsive behaviors.

NOTE: To complete this exercise, you will need a roll of

butcher paper or several individual sheets of paper taped
together, plus five different colored pens or fine-point
markers.

To begin, you need to identify key early-life events (age 0 to 10)

in your sexual history—strong memories, traumatic events,
events that evoke strong feelings, sexual abuse, etc. First list
your age, then list the event.

Example: Age 7, I walked in on my older sister when she was

masturbating.
Now, using the same age/incident format, identify key
adolescent events (age 10 to 18) in your sexual history—strong
memories, traumatic events, events that evoke strong feelings,
sexual abuse, etc.

Example: Age 13, I looked at porn on the Internet for the first time.

Now, using the same age/incident format, identify key young

adult events (age 18 to 25) in your sexual history—strong
memories, traumatic events, events that evoke strong feelings,
sexual abuse, etc.

Example: Age 19, I got pregnant during my freshman year of college

and had an abortion.

Now, using the same age/incident format, identify key adult

events (age 25 and up) in your sexual history—strong
memories, traumatic events, events that evoke strong feelings,
sexual abuse, etc.

Example: Age 32, I was physically assaulted and robbed by a man I

met online and invited over for sex.

Now, using the same age/incident format, identify key events in

your substance use/abuse history—first use, escalation,
consequences, events that evoke strong feelings, etc.

Example: Age 16, I drank so much that I had to go to the emergency

room for alcohol poisoning.

Now, using the same age/incident format, identify key events in

your relationship history—first dates, important relationships,
breakups, marriages, divorces, etc.

Example: Age 20, Marie and I got married (mostly because she was
pregnant).

Now, using the same age/incident format, identify key events in

your school/work history—successes, failures, awards,
reprimands, etc.

Example: Age 18, I graduated from high school with honors.

Now, using the same age/incident format, identify key critical

life events (unrelated to sex, substance use/abuse, romance, or
work/school)—births, deaths, military service, moving across
the country, fights with important friends, etc.

Example: Age 29, my grandmother, who’d always been my go-to

person for advice, passed away.
Using your roll of butcher paper or your taped-together sheets
of paper, draw a long horizontal line from one end to the other.
(Most sex addicts find they need a line that is at least five or six
feet long.) Now divide the line into decades—0 to 10, 10 to 20,
etc., up to your current age. Using a red pen, add all of your key
sexual events to the timeline, writing your age above the line
and a brief notation of the event below the line. Using a blue
pen, add all of your key substance use/abuse events to the
timeline. Next, do the same with your key relationship events
(purple pen), school/work events (black pen), and other critical
life events (green pen).

Example:

… 13 18 20
16 (blue) 19 (red) 29 (green)…
(red) (black) (purple)
First ER for HS First Got Grandma
Porn Booze Grad Prostitute Married Died

Briefly describe any patterns that you now see in your life, in
particular the ways in which your addiction relates to other life
events and experiences.

Looking at your timeline, what have been the ten worst

moments in your life, sexual or otherwise?
Of your ten worst moments, pick one that seems significant and
describe the ways in which you think it has impacted your
sexual addiction.
 Exercise 17: Nature vs. Nurture

Sex addicts often want to know why they are sexually addicted.
Sometimes they struggle to move forward with recovery until they
have an answer. If that is the case for you, this exercise can help.

Generally speaking, there are two main causes of addiction (all

types): nature (genetics) and nurture (environment). Genetic
influences are most easily evidenced by a family history of addiction
and/or mental illness. Environmental factors typically center on
unresolved trauma, early exposure to an addictive substance or
behavior, and social stimuli. Most sex addicts report a combination of
genetic and environmental influences. This exercise looks at both
issues.

List any family members who’ve struggled with a mental illness,

noting whether they’ve been formally diagnosed and treated.

Example: My mother suffers from depression and periods of manic

behavior. She has consistently refused to see any kind of
psychiatrist or mental health counselor, so she is undiagnosed and
untreated.

List any family members who’ve struggled with addiction,

noting whether they’ve been formally diagnosed and if they’re
in recovery.

Example: My father is an alcoholic. He has been going to AA since I

was 17.
List traumatic events that may have affected your sexual
outlook. (Trauma will be covered more thoroughly in Exercise
18. For now, just do your best.)

Example: I found my dad’s stash of BDSM magazines and videos

when I was ten, and it really freaked me out.

How do you feel about your family history and your trauma
history? Do you feel that your addiction is the fault of others, or
do you think that you are responsible for the choices you’ve
made?

If none of the information above feels like it relates to your

sexual addiction, how and why do you think you became
sexually addicted?
 Exercise 18: Trauma (Understanding
Victimization and Abuse)

Generally speaking, trauma (victimization and abuse) is defined as

any event or experience (including witnessing) that is physically
and/or psychologically overwhelming in the moment and/or later,
when the event is remembered. Trauma is highly subjective,
meaning incidents that are highly traumatic to one person might not
be traumatic for another. For instance, a fender-bender might be
much more distressing for a new mother with her baby in the car
than for a professional racecar driver.

Early-life trauma typically occurs in one or more of the following

forms:

• Threatening Behavior: any action or spoken threat to hurt

another person physically, psychologically, emotionally, or
sexually
• Psychological Abuse: emotional abuse (mind games)
intended to cause fear and/or confusion in the victim
• Physical Abuse: any forceful or violent physical action
designed to intimidate or to make another person do
something against his or her will
• Sexual Abuse: any non-consenting sexual act or behavior,
including behaviors “consented to” by minors, adults who are
inebriated, and mentally handicapped people

People who were traumatized (victimized and abused) as children

are at high risk for addiction and other psychological disorders. In
fact, research shows that survivors of multiple instances of childhood
trauma are seven times more likely to become alcoholic and eleven
times more likely to use intravenous drugs. They are also much
more likely to become sexually addicted. In particular, childhood
sexual abuse (both overt and covert) is linked to sexual addiction.
That said, sex abuse is by no means a prerequisite for sexual
addiction.

Sadly, victims of abuse (of any type) tend to perpetuate the behavior,
becoming abusers themselves. In other words, being abused and
becoming an abuser seem to go hand in hand.

As a recovering sex addict, it can be very helpful to unravel strands

of your trauma history, looking at the ways in which you were
victimized and abused, and also the ways in which you have
victimized and abused others. In doing so, you will hopefully gain a
better understanding of how you developed certain behavior patterns
and locked into your addictive cycle.

NOTE: Formalized treatment of trauma is a difficult and

unpleasant process. Nevertheless, many recovering sex
addicts find this work worthwhile, as it addresses a major
underlying issue driving their addictive behaviors. That said,
extensive trauma work should not be attempted until sexual
sobriety is firmly established. Otherwise, the emotional pain
of trauma therapy could easily trigger a relapse.

List important instances in your life in which you may have

been abused/victimized. Briefly note your age, the category of
abuse, the perpetrator, and how it occurred.

Example: Age 11 to 15. Physical abuse. My older brother. He would

hit me when nobody else was around.
List important instances in your life in which you feel that you
may have victimized others. Briefly note the category of abuse,
your victim, and what you did.

Example: Psychological abuse. My wife. After I cheated, I blamed it

on her, calling her frigid and ugly.

Do you see any connections between your history of being

traumatized and your history of hurting others? If so, describe
those links?

Have you previously addressed trauma issues in your life? If

so, in what ways, with whom, and do you feel this work was
successful? If not, do you think that once you’ve established a
modicum of sexual sobriety you will want to embark on this
emotionally painful process? If so, why? If not, why not?
 Exercise 19: Guilt, Shame, and Your
Distorted Sense of Self

Guilt and shame are not the same thing. Guilt is a healthy and
necessary sense that you have violated your moral code, values,
and standards, or that you have stepped on someone else’s rights.
Shame is a sense of being a failure as a person, of not being good
enough, of feeling doubt about yourself at your very core. If you feel
shame, you feel as if there is something fundamentally wrong with
you as a person.

Examples of Guilt:

• I made a mistake.
• I did a bad thing.
• My behavior was hurtful.

Examples of Shame:

• I am a mistake.
• I am a bad person.
• I am defective and unlovable.

Guilt is a healthy human emotion that tells us we have done

something wrong and we need to correct or amend our behavior.
Shame, on the other hand, is an internal feeling of “badness” that
consistently flares up, especially if/when we are acting out sexually.
Guilt implies: “I did something regrettable and I feel badly (i.e., guilty)
about my actions.” Shame implies: “I did something regrettable
because I am a bad person, and there is nothing at all that I can do
about that.” Guilt is a positive force in terms of changing behavior,
while shame is quite the opposite.

Shame also leads to a distorted self-image—negative beliefs that

inaccurately color the way we see ourselves and the world. For sex
addicts, a distorted (mostly negative) self-image can be highly
destructive. Consider the following belief, held by many sex addicts:
I am a bad person, unworthy of love and true connection. A distorted
view of self like that can and often does lead to the following
thoughts, feelings, and behaviors:

• I can’t tell anyone about my acting out, or they’ll know how

awful I am.
• I will pretend to be “normal,” smiling and acting as if
everything is OK no matter how miserable and depressed I
get.
• I will “get mine” as revenge for being shorted in life, acting
out whenever and wherever I feel like it without regard for
others.

Sadly, sex addicts often feel shame more than guilt, with shame
creating a distorted and mostly negative self-image. In other words,
sex addicts often feel as if something within themselves is the cause
and crux of their problem, as if they are flawed in some deeply
meaningful way and therefore doomed to a life of misery, isolation,
and regrettable behaviors. Often, they need a great deal of time
before they even begin to understand that they are not inherently
defective, that it was their maladaptive choices and not their true
selves that caused their addiction and its related negative
consequences.
The good news is that once you finally begin to understand that you
are a good person who has behaved badly rather than a bad person
who was just doing what bad people do, your process of healing can
truly begin.

The most effective way to combat shame and a distorted self-image

is by stating affirmations to the contrary. Affirmations are powerful
messages that confirm your worth, reminding you that who you are
today is okay and enough. Affirmations validate that you are not
defined by past behaviors, no matter how bad they were.
Affirmations are stated aloud daily, often several times per day, as a
way to replace your shame-distorted sense of self with self-esteem.

Many recovering sex addicts, especially those new to the healing

process, struggle to come up with positive affirmations. If that is the
case for you, the following list may help:

• I am working my recovery.
• I am an imperfect yet worthwhile person.
• I have value and worth.
• I can love myself and accept my past.
• I am a worthwhile person, exactly as God intended me to be.
• I am finding my integrity one day at a time.
• I am worthy of love and acceptance, exactly as I am.
• Today, I choose to live in the moment.
• My past actions do not define me in the present.
• I am able to give and receive love.
• I respect the boundaries of others.
• I am recovering with the help of others.
• I have done bad things, but I am not a bad person.
• It is OK for me to talk to others about what I am thinking and
feeling.
 • I let go of my shame.
• I am fully present today.
• I can heal and forgive myself for the harms I have caused.
• I am a better person today than I was yesterday.
• I am able to ask for and accept help when I need it, without
feeling ashamed.
• Today, I choose to reach out to others before I act out.

List the things that you feel the most shame about. In all
likelihood, these are secrets that you were planning to take to
the grave.

Example: I gave my wife an STD, and then I accused her of cheating

on me.

Pick the five most shameful (emotionally painful) items from list
above. For each of these, describe how shame has distorted
your self-image, and then list three contrary affirmations.

Example:
Shame—I gave my wife an STD, and then I accused her of cheating
on me.
Distorted Self-Image—I am a bad person, and I don’t deserve to be
loved.
Contrary Affirmations—I am not defined by the mistakes I have
made; I can love myself and accept my past; I am recovering with
the help and love of others.

Shame:
Distorted Self-Image:

Contrary Affirmations:

Shame:

Distorted Self-Image:

Contrary Affirmations:

Shame:

Distorted Self-Image:

Contrary Affirmations:

Shame:

Distorted Self-Image:

Contrary Affirmations:

Shame:
Distorted Self-Image:

Contrary Affirmations:
 Exercise 20: Understanding Your
Dependency Needs

As infants, all human beings have the three primary needs—food

and water (sustenance), shelter, and emotional connection (love and
stimulation). Infants are dependent on others for all three needs.
Without the first two, they will die. Without the third, they become
depressed and they fail to develop and thrive.

These three basic needs do not go away as we grow older. We still

need sustenance, shelter, and emotional connection as adults. And
the consequences of going without are exactly the same, including
depression and a failure to thrive when our basic need for emotional
support is not met. Admittedly, this need looks different and is met in
different ways during our adult years, but it does not disappear.

Examples of healthy adult emotional dependency needs are as

follows:

• When I’m angry and I tell someone how angry I am, I

want/need them to validate what I am feeling (to support,
agree with, or at least acknowledge my anger).
• When I’m sad and I express my sadness to others, I
want/need them to support, empathize with, and soothe me.
• When I’m joyous and I express this to others, I want/need
them to validate, mirror, and cheer for me.

The simple truth is that emotionally healthy people naturally reach

out to others—spouses, family members, longtime friends, lovers,
therapists, clergy, support groups, and the like—when they have
strong emotions, good or bad, that they need to regulate and
process. But addicts, usually because they were not properly
nurtured as infants (and therefore learned that others could not be
trusted to meet their emotional dependency needs), find it very
difficult to reach out to others for support. Instead, they turn to
alcohol, drugs, sex, food, or some other addictive substance or
behavior, using that as a way to temporarily numb out and not feel
their emotions.

Below is a list of emotional dependency needs created by the Center

for Nonviolent Communication. The list is neither exhaustive nor
definitive. It is simply a starting point from which you can begin the
process of identifying the unmet needs that drive your behavior. As
you examine this list, think hard about which items do and do not
seem important to you, remembering that every person is unique, so
every person has his or her own set of dependency needs. In other
words, there are no right or wrong dependency needs.

NOTE: This exercise may create feelings of frustration and

disappointment because you’ve identified needs that are
not being met and feel that, because of your sexual
addiction, you don’t deserve to have them met. For
example, you may find it difficult to ask your rightfully angry
spouse to be more loving. If so, you may want to initially
focus your healing process on people you haven’t wounded
so deeply, like friends, clergy, siblings, and the like.
 EMOTIONAL DEPENDENCY NEEDS

Pick five significant emotional dependency needs that would

help you feel loved and connected. Each person has different
needs, so don’t worry about picking “the right five.” Just pick
five that seem important to you. Explain how you would know if
each of these needs is being met, and what you might do in the
future to get each need met in healthy ways.

Example: Nurturing. I would know I was being nurtured if I felt like

my ideas and beliefs were being thoughtfully considered and given
full weight. To feel nurtured, I will need to be more open about what I
am thinking and feeling, especially with people I trust (like my
spouse). I might even need to tell those people that I’m feeling
vulnerable and I really need them to “hear” what I’m saying.
Need 1:

Need 2:

Need 3:

Need 4:

Need 5:

List the five most important people in your life and write a
sentence about how they do and do not meet your emotional
dependency needs. If they are not meeting your needs, do you
think they are capable of doing so? If so, how might you
facilitate that?

Example: My husband. I do not feel that my husband meets my need

to feel included. I do, however, believe that he does love me, and
that he is capable of giving me what I need emotionally. To make
this happen, I will need to tell him that I sometimes feel left out. And
when I feel left out I will need to remind him of my emotional need,
asking him to “bring me in.”

Person 1:

Person 2:

Person 3:
Person 4:

Person 5:
Section Five: Living (and Enjoying) a
Sexually Healthy Life
Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to
dance in the rain.
—Vivian Greene
 Exercise 21: Defining Healthy
Sexuality (for You)

Healthy (non-addicted) people innately know that there is more to

sex than sex. They know that sex can be as much if not more about
emotional intimacy as pure physical pleasure and intensity. Sex
addicts, however, have been misusing sexual fantasy and behavior
for so long (as a means of self-soothing rather than as a means of
connecting) that they can hardly fathom other dimensions of
sexuality.

Generally speaking, there are seven dimensions to sex, and, as a

recovering sex addict, you’ll need to develop your understanding and
practice of all seven as part of a healthy, meaningful, and hot sex
life. These seven dimensions are as follows:

• Self-nurture—the process of taking care of yourself and

feeling better about yourself
• Sensuousness—developing body awareness and learning to
stimulate all of the senses
• Relationship intimacy (general)—enjoying the company of
others without being sexual
• Partner intimacy—enjoying the company of your significant
other without being sexual
• Non-genital sexual touch—giving and feeling physical
pleasure without genital contact
• Genital sexuality—enhancing, sustaining, and enriching
genital sexuality
• Spiritual intimacy—adding meaning to the above
dimensions, and turning sex into an expression of your
feelings, values, and sense of connection
List activities, environments, and experiences that you can rely
upon for self-nurture, preferably things that involve healthy
interactions with other people.

Example: Taking a boxing class at my gym helps me to feel better

physically, to feel better about how I look, and to socialize in a
healthy way.

List activities, environments, and experiences that can help you

develop sensuousness (a greater connection to your physical
self and the world around you). Think about colors, sounds,
smells, textures, tastes, etc.

Example: Keeping fragrant cut flowers in the house creates pleasure

through smell.

List activities, environments, and experiences that can help you

develop general nonsexual relationship intimacy. Think about
how you can enjoy the company of others and feel connected to
them without being sexual.

Example: Asking my friends about their lives helps me to know them

better and to care more about them.
List activities, environments, and experiences that can help you
develop nonsexual partner intimacy. Think about how you can
enjoy the company of your significant other and feel connected
to him/her without being sexual.

Example: Sharing with my spouse about what I am feeling, and not

being rejected because of that, helps me to trust and rely upon
him/her in new ways.

List ways you and an intimate partner can experience and enjoy
non-genital sexual touch. Think about back rubs, showering
together, dressing one another, kissing, and the like.

Example: When I watch TV with my partner we can hold hands and

snuggle.

List ways you and an intimate partner can experience and enjoy
emotionally connected genital sexuality. Think about ways you
can develop emotional intimacy during sex.

Example: I can look into my partner’s eyes and talk about how much
I love him/her while we make love.

List activities, environments, and experiences that can help you

develop spiritual intimacy. Think about being honest with your
thoughts, feelings, desires, beliefs, moral code, and life
priorities.

Example: I can view my spouse as a child of God with important

thoughts and feelings.
 Exercise 22: Developing Empathy

As an active sex addict, you almost certainly damaged important

relationships, primarily because, while acting out sexually, you didn’t
think about the ways in which your behaviors were impacting other
people. In addition to damaging your romantic relationships, you may
have damaged your connections with family members, employers
and coworkers, kids, sexual partners, and even yourself. As part of
your recovery, it is important that you fully understand the nature and
extent of the destruction you have caused, and that you develop
empathy (the ability to understand and experience what another
person is feeling) for those you have directly and indirectly wounded.

An effective way to do this is to write an empathy letter, which may or

may not eventually be read to the person you have harmed. If you
have harmed multiple people, you might need to write multiple
empathy letters. For instance, if you are single and mostly acted out
with anonymous strangers, you can write one letter to yourself and a
second letter to the sexual partners you objectified.

DO NOT SHARE YOUR EMPATHY LETTER WITH THE PERSON

TO WHOM IT’S ADDRESSED unless you have discussed the letter
at length with your therapist, your 12-step sponsor, and others who
understand and support your recovery. These are the people who
will point out the flaws and weaknesses in your letter, preventing you
from sharing it before it is ready and inadvertently causing more
harm. Often, your first draft of an empathy letter, no matter how well-
intentioned you think you are, will be filled with efforts at
manipulation and unwarranted pleas for forgiveness. An empathy
letter like that is ineffective at best, counterproductive at worst.
Empathy letters are relatively short (one or two pages at most). In
these letters you do the following:

1) Describe exactly what you did (in general, non-graphic

terms).
2) Give an apology (without asking the other person to forgive
you).
3) Explain that the person you are writing this letter to is in no
way at fault, nor did he/she influence your decision to act out
at any time.
4) State that you and you alone are responsible for your
actions.
5) Describe the ways in which you have blamed or put down
the person you are writing this letter to, perhaps causing that
person to doubt his/her perception of reality as a way to hide
and/or justify what you were doing.
6) Acknowledge the reality of the other person’s thoughts and
feelings, which may include hate, disgust, anger, betrayal,
rejection, etc. Acknowledge that you would feel the same
way if the circumstances were reversed.
7) Accept responsibility for family dysfunction, emotional
distancing, and other relationship issues your behavior has
created.
8) Accept responsibility for the emotional, financial, and other
burdens and losses your behavior has created.
9) Describe what you have learned from your behaviors.
10)Describe what your commitments are in terms of changing
those behaviors.

Write an empathy letter to your significant other. If you are not

in a serious romantic relationship, address your letter to the
person (or people) you have hurt the most. (It is possible you
will address this letter to yourself.) As mentioned above, if you
have harmed multiple people, you may need to write several of
these letters.
 Exercise 23: For Singles—Your Plan
for Healthy Dating

NOTE: If you are already married or in a committed

partnership, feel free to skip this exercise, as it is designed
for single people who are interested in healthy dating and
healthy sexuality. If you are single, you will likely find this
exercise highly enlightening and useful.

Most single sex addicts find, after a year or so of solid sexual

recovery, that they are ready to think about healthy romance. If this
is the case for you, you should develop a workable plan for dating
before you begin the process. As with sexual sobriety plans, dating
plans can help you understand your goals and what your healthy
boundaries are. Once a written plan for healthy dating is in place,
you are much less likely to encounter problems (especially problems
that might eventually lead to a slip or relapse) in the dating world.

Most recovering sex addicts find the simple “traffic signals dating
plan” suggested below to be quite helpful. As you might expect, red
lights are characteristics that are unacceptable in anyone you might
date. You should agree to not date or to immediately stop dating
anyone who displays even one red light trait. Yellow lights are
characteristics that should cause you to proceed with caution. Green
lights, obviously, are traits that are healthy and desirable in another
person.

Each dating plan starts with a list of goals. Write down goals
that you have for dating and future relationships.
Example: I want to be in a monogamous relationship, and to
eventually get married.

List “red light” characteristics that are unacceptable in anyone

that you might date. If a person displays even one of these
traits, you should immediately stop dating that person.

Example: I will not date anyone who is already in a long-term

romantic relationship.

List “yellow light” characteristics that would cause you to

exercise caution in a particular relationship.

Example: I will be cautious about a person who is habitually late,

especially if that person doesn’t call to inform me and apologize.

List “green light” characteristics that you find desirable in a

person you might date.

Example: I will happily date a person who has lots of different

interests, some of which are shared by me.
 Exercise 24: Moving from Shame to
Grace

Many recovering sex addicts become so focused on the work of

recovery that they forget to have fun. Usually this is because their
only real goal early in the process is staying sexually sober. While
this is an admirable objective, it doesn’t exactly provide them with
direction and meaning. Because of this, when the shiny new
adventure of recovery inevitably loses its luster, shame creeps back
in and they have nowhere to turn for motivation.

If this is the case for you, it may be time to ask yourself: “What are
my goals beyond sexual sobriety?” Do you want to start dating? Do
you want to join a softball team? Do you want to go on an exciting
vacation? Do you want to write a bestselling novel? And if you want
those things (or anything else that seems fun but not directly related
to recovery), it might be time to expand your outer boundary.

Put another way, there is more to healing from sexual addiction than
simply stopping your problem sexual behaviors. You must replace
those behaviors with something worthwhile. In the beginning, it may
be OK to fill your suddenly available free time with nothing but
therapy and meetings, but eventually that gets boring and maybe
even depressing. So you must learn to care for yourself in ways that
cultivate not only your sobriety but your sense of fun and your
enjoyment of life. Interestingly, this process can feel so foreign to
some recovering sex addicts that it ends up being the hardest part of
the healing process.

A few general esteem building (shame reducing) outer boundary

suggestions are as follows:
 • Attend to nonsexual friendships
• Spend time in nature
• Do fun things with other people (movies, ballgames,
cookouts, and the like)
• Create a “home” at home
• Adopt and care for a pet
• Date
• Find a new hobby
• Exercise
• Develop your spiritual life
• Go on an amazing vacation
• Go to fellowship (coffee or dinner) after 12-step and other
support group meetings
• Volunteer for causes you believe in

This list could go on indefinitely. The important thing is for you to

continually expand and improve your sober life. If you do this, you
will find that life in recovery can be incredibly enjoyable and
rewarding. Yes, you may occasionally miss the intense dopamine
rush of sexual acting out, but in time you will learn to truly appreciate
the “slow dopamine drip” of healthy pleasures—socializing with
friends, providing real support to people you care about, developing
a hobby, etc. Rather than compulsively seeking an addictive life filled
with gigantic ups and downs, you will find yourself enjoying the
relative peace and serenity that your sexual sobriety provides. You
will move from shame to grace.

Now is a great time to review the outer boundary of your sexual

sobriety plan (Exercise 4), adding more activities that you enjoy
to the list of mostly recovery-oriented items that you’ve likely
got. To get started, list five new goals for your life in sexual
sobriety.

Example: I want to have friends that I enjoy being around, who enjoy
being around me in return.

Now, based on the above goals, list five new outer boundary
activities, and then add them to your sexual sobriety plan.

Example: I will go to lunch or dinner with a friend at least once per

week.
 Afterword

Hopefully, the exercises in this workbook have given you an in-depth

understanding of your addictive process, including the behaviors you
need to eliminate, what your underlying issues are, how to avoid
relapse, and how to live a happier and healthier life. If you gave
honest answers to the exercises herein and fully performed the
assigned tasks—in particular the creation of your sexual boundary
plan and your portable toolkit—then you have made a great start on
lasting recovery and ongoing sexual health.

My sincere hope is that as you completed the exercises you were

able to share your work with people who understand sexual
addiction and support your recovery—therapists, 12-step sponsors,
friends in recovery, trusted clergy, and the like—and that these
individuals were able to provide you with a sounding board,
feedback, and emotional support when needed. If you have kept
your work entirely (or mostly) to yourself, I urge you to rethink this
tactic. In the sexual addiction treatment field we have a saying:
“Nobody recovers alone.” So please reach out to others and ask for
help.

Of course, your healing journey is not over simply because you

completed this workbook and shared your work with others. In fact, it
is only getting started. And that is a wonderful thing. Life in recovery
is an adventure, and when you’re not actively acting out in your
sexual addiction the adventure can be incredibly fun and rewarding.
As you move forward with your life, always remember that hope is
like the sun, which, as we journey toward it, casts the shadow of our
burden behind us.

Live hopeful, live sober, live without shame.

—Robert Weiss LCSW, CSAT-S
 Basic Resources for Sexual Addicts

Twelve-Step Groups
• Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA), 800-477-8191; 713-869-
4902, saa-recovery.org/
• Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA), 210-828-7900,
slaafws.org/
• Sexaholics Anonymous (SA), 866-424-8777, sa.org/
• Sexual Compulsives Anonymous (SCA), 800-977-HEAL,
sca-recovery.org/
• Sexual Recovery Anonymous (SRA), sexualrecovery.org/

General Information
• The American Association of Sexuality Educators,
Counselors, and Therapists website (aasect.org) offers a
great deal of useful information for cybersex addicts.
• The Association for the Treatment of Sexual Abusers
website (atsa.com) offers useful information about sexual
abuse.
• The Ben Franklin Institute offers, live, online and DVD
trainings that can be accessed via their website
(bfisummit.com). Much of author Rob Weiss’s material has
been recorded by them and is available for purchase.
• The International Institute for Trauma & Addiction
Professionals (iitap.com) has contact information for
therapists, listed by state, who are certified as CSATs
(Certified Sex Addiction Therapists).
• Robert Weiss’s website (robertweissmsw.com) has
extensive information about dealing with and healing from
sexual
 addiction, love addiction, and other intimacy disorders.
• The Safer Society Foundation website (safersociety.org)
offers useful information on sexual abuse.
• Dr. Patrick Carnes’ website (sexhelp.com) offers a great deal
of useful information for sex addicts.
• The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health website
(sash.net) provides contact information for knowledgeable
therapists, listed by city and state, as well as information
about upcoming sex addiction conferences and training
events.

Books
• Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex,
Porn, and Love Addiction by Robert Weiss
• Always Turned On: Sex Addiction in the Digital Age by
Robert Weiss and Dr. Jennifer Schneider
• Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men
(2nd edition) by Robert Weiss
• Answers in the Heart: Daily Meditations for Men and Women
Recovering from Sex Addiction (Anonymous)
• Sex Addicts Anonymous (Anonymous)
• Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (Anonymous)
• Contrary to Love: Helping the Sexual Addict by Dr. Patrick
Carnes
• Don’t Call It Love: Recovery from Sex Addiction by Dr.
Patrick Carnes
• Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sex Addiction by Dr.
Patrick Carnes
• Breaking the Cycle: Free Yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn
Obsession, and Shame by George Collins and Andrew
 Adelman
• No Stones: Women Redeemed from Sexual Addiction by
Marnie Ferree
• Understanding and Treating Sex Addiction: A
Comprehensive Guide for People Who Struggle With Sex
Addiction and Those Who Want to Help Them by Paula Hall
 About the Author

Robert Weiss is Senior Vice President of National Clinical

Development for Elements Behavioral Health, creating and
overseeing addiction and mental health treatment programs for more
than a dozen high-end treatment facilities, including Promises
Treatment Centers in Malibu, The Ranch in rural Tennessee, and
The Right Step in Texas. An internationally acknowledged clinician,
he has served as a subject expert on the intersection of human
intimacy and digital technology for multiple media outlets including
The Oprah Winfrey Network, The New York Times, The Los Angeles
Times, The Daily Beast, and CNN, among many others. He is the
author of several highly regarded books, including Sex Addiction
101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Love, and Porn Addiction,
and Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men. He is
also a co-author, with Dr. Jennifer Schneider, of Closer Together,
Further Apart and Always Turned On: Sex Addiction in the Digital
Age. He writes regularly for Psychology Today, Huffington Post,
Psych Central, Counselor Magazine, I Love Recovery Café, Mind
Body Green, and Addiction.com, among others. For more
information please visit his website, robertweissmsw.com, or follow
him on Twitter, @RobWeissMSW.
Other Books by Robert Weiss