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Volume 2 • Issue 20
September 7 - September 21

City Paper
Tours Disaster
2 Columbia citypaper September 7, 2005 Letters

Letters to the Reader columbia

Dear Woman who keeps escaping from
the old folks home on Devine St,
We really were trying to be helpful
when Nick and I tried to help you cross the
Dear Book Review readers,
Although Brian Ray wrote in our last
paper, “in no other book would you read
about a car crash caused by a cigarette ash
What the hell have you been doing
these past few months?
Columbia City Paper
citypaper
PUBLISHER
street. We weren’t going to rob you; we just siphoned into an oxygen tank,” he was mis- Joe Fotallate
wanted to see you make it back to the nut taken. In “The Smallest People Alive,” a Dear Gas stations in Columbia, joe@columbiacitypaper.com
house without having to be scooped up into collection of short stories by Keith Banner We filled up in New Orleans, Missis-
three separate garbage bags off Blossom. there appears a scene in which the driver of sippi, and Alabama this week. You’re gas EDITOR
Take the yellow pill, the car flicks his cigarette butt and a glowing prices are higher than all of them. What the Corey Hutchins
Columbia City Paper amber accidentally gets sucked into the oxy- f**k? corey@columbiacitypaper.com
gen tank of his elderly passenger, blowing Columbia City Paper
THE COLUMBIA BEET
the car to smithereens. Hardy Childers
Dear USC, We forgive you for missing our mistake hardy@columbiacitypaper.com
Thank you for raising your tuition again. and won’t test you like that again. Dear YOURMOMDOTCOM@AOL.
We know you’re still making payments to (Editor’s note: Don’t actually print this com, ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
George W. for his commencement speech in letter, just post it on the mini-fridge in the Thanks for the e-mail, we’re glad you EDITOR
2003 so we don’t hold it against you. It’s not office) liked the article. Nice e-mail address. Too Brian Ray
your fault you didn’t realize he messed up Columbia City Paper cute. brian@columbiacitypaper.com
the decimal point on the invoice. Columbia City Paper
...as our old files suddenly get pulled, INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER
Columbia City Paper Dear El Burrito, David Axe
david@columbiacitypaper.com
I can’t believe we left out the fact that Dear Dad,
you sell a bucket of beers for $5. You’ll see Sorry I called the day after your birth- GENERAL SALES MANAGER
Dear Google, us there more often. day, I had my days mixed up. Paul Blake
GoogleEarth? Best thing ever. The only El Cheapo City Paper Columbia City Paper paul@columbiacitypaper.com
other thing that ever kept us up for three 803.446.3458
days straight without leaving the house was
BLACKED OUT WITH Dear Andre Bauer, Dear Popped Collar, ACCOUNT EXECTUIVES
Thanks for the free BLACKED OUT You ranked higher on our “favorite pol- We are glad to see you are finally out. Hans Garfunkel
that time, Chris BLACKED OUT iticians” list when you were caught driving Columbia City Paper hans@columbiacitypaper.com
Columbia City Paper like an asshole, screaming at cops and get-
ting thrown out of bars. Crystal Faulkner
crystal@columbiacitypaper.com

Hardy Childers
Now accepting entries for the Send entries in DVD or VHS form to: hardy@columbiacitypaper.com

Columbia City Paper Film Crawl PRODUCTION MANAGER

1600 Park Circle #208 David Brent
brentmeister@columbiacitypaper.com
The nice thing about locally owned com- Columbia, SC 29201
munity papers is that we don’t have to PHOTOGRAPHER
Ed Goodwin
worry about making a profit when it Suggested limit is 45 mins, however all ed@columbiacitypaper.com
comes to supporting local arts. Some will be viewed. Details on the Columbia
LEGAL DEPARTMENT
big companies wouldn’t hold a festival if City Paper Film Crawl and selected en- zander@columbiacitypaper.com
it didn’t make a certain amount of mon- tries will be announced in the coming CONTRIBUTORS
ey. At Columbia City Paper, we’re look- weeks.
ing to support the local art scene. After WRITER
Lissey Schroeder
all, we are locally owned and care about Name ______________________________
CARTOONS
giving artists a voice. We could charge Max Cannon “Red Meat”
artists a submission fee, then charge Phone ______________________________ Ted Rall
the venue, and then also charge the at- COLUMNIST
tendees at the door. Instead, we will do E-mail _____________________________ Ted Rall
Dan Savage
none of the above.
Title of Movie ______________________ OFFICE MANAGER
Tammy Pon
tammy@columbiacitypaper.com
Best regards, Address ____________________________
Joe Fotallate
Publisher CCP ____________________________________
Cover Story Columbia citypaper September 7, 2005 3

Touring paper. But on the highway it felt like

we were a part of something and as
a story we were after, couldn’t we
just read every wire report published
fractured right angles. Stalled some-
where near the state border an old

Disaster the lights of Atlanta dimmed in the

rearview I only first started justify-
ing why two reporters for a Colum-
by the lazy machine of the local jour-
nalism market?
Sure.
man just finishes boarding up a card-
board sign on the back of his pick up
that reads “NEED GAS/HELP.”
by Corey Hutchins bia weekly were headed down there. But if this is the story of a life- But people are too afraid to stop.
Maybe it was hearing the mayor time, the story that makes or breaks Every exit off the highway is
of New Orleans screaming on the the United States in the world poll a longer line for gas, and cars are
radio telling the federal government of opinion, then I wanted to be parked all the way up the on ramps.
to “get off their asses and do some- there. Who in history now wouldn’t In one town, police direct a quar-
thing.” Maybe it was hearing BBC want to say they stood on the shores ter-mile long winding line of traf-
describe the Gulf of Mexico’s coast- and watched Atlantis sink into the fic through a neighborhood of bro-
line like that of a poverty-stricken ocean? ken windows and sunken porches.
Third World nation. Or maybe it was As the mile markers and exits It takes forty minutes to fill half a
“You’ll need gas cans,” a reporter reports of officers outnumbered by signs ticked away in the breakdown tank. In Mississippi, the Hattiesburg
from Florida said over the telephone roving gangs of armed and starving lane, I started counting them like a town sign is slashed in half, giving it
when we told him we were going to lunatics, of crazed snipers on roof- countdown to human destruction. a more accurate description. At the
New Orleans. “And all communica- tops, gang rapes, murders, death and Really, this wasn’t an environmental pumps, people sweat and stand in
tions are down so you’ll need a satel- disease in the Louisiana Superdome. tragedy at all. It was a human one. line under swarms of mosquitoes
lite phone. A chainsaw too. And a .38 In an interview, Aaron Brous-
Special in the glove box. Loaded.” sard, the president of Jefferson Par-
We’re bringing everything ish, broke down in tears during
but the chainsaw. Hours before, we’d NBC’s Meet the Press, saying New
loaded five red gas cans in the trunk Orleans had been abandoned by its
of the car with enough gasoline to own country.
blow us to Canada if we were much “The aftermath of Hurricane
as tapped from behind. Katrina will go down as one of the
On I-20 from Columbia the worst abandonments of Americans
southbound lanes were deserted. To on American soil ever in US histo-
the left was an endless flood of head- ry,” he said. “It’s not just Katrina that
lights. Victims. Survivors. Evacuees. caused all these deaths in New Or-
Refugees. Whatever the papers were leans here... bureaucracy has com- The wait for gas can be up to an hour.
calling them today. We were seem- mitted murder. ” Photo by Corey Hutchins
ingly the only car on the road headed “Nobody is coming to get
toward the devastation. And sitting us,” Broussard continued choking Once across the Alabama line and the mid-day sun. Red gas cans
on 300 miles of liquid explosives, through tears in what is sure to be the reflective paint on the road dis- wave in the heat, while military po-
we felt more nervous than guilty. a moment in broadcast history that appears and the clock goes back an lice stand watch, their guns pointed
On the news, the streets of New will be televised in every journalism hour. In Birmingham they said the at the dusty ground.
Orleans were being compared to So- classroom for years. city was starting to fill with people It’s on a seemingly deserted
malia by their own law enforcement. “The secretary has promised. retreating from the damaged south- stretch of tree-lined roadway that we
We were hearing first hand reports of Everybody has promised...They’ve ern coast. But at five o’clock in the stop and fill our gas tank with two
babies floating in the floodwaters, of had press conferences... I’m sick morning the city was asleep, desert- extra barrels from the trunk. Passing
rat infestations, E. coli and venom- of the press conferences. For God’s ed. No story. cars slow as their passengers watch.
ous snakes. A news correspondent sake shut up and send us somebody,” Every mile outside Montgomery Our eyes go from the taillights to the
was advising everyone to stay away he sobbed before putting his head another car could be seen abandoned glove box that we hope we never
from all dogs. They’d gone rabid and on the desk while the news cameras on the side of the road. Often times have to open.
were crazy with hunger and stress. slowly faded out. the tires are missing, the vacant cars
Police officers started turning in So what were we doing in this pillaged, gutted. In one small truck
their badges; two already had taken car headed toward the disaster zone a man lay slumped over the steer-
their lives with their own guns. with our bottled water and lap top ing wheel as if he’d given up his last
We left Columbia at midnight. computers? Our digital cameras and hope on one more mile of gasoline.
For days, with newspapers and the electronic media gadgets. As the sun came up, the gulf
television news conferences, we’d Getting a story to move some coast gets closer and the sides of the
been checking the pulse of our na- newspapers? road look like lumberyards. Trees
tion’s worse natural disaster, but How altruistic. bend into the highway, painted splin-
somehow felt disconnected. From We could donate blood tomor- ters of smashed billboards scatter
so far away it was so easy to accept. row and save lives. We could give throughout the median and the high- Photo by Corey Hutchins
It was happening on TV, on broad- the money we’d spend on printing way signs twist on their metal legs or
band, in black and white on recycled this week to the Red Cross. If it was simply tear in half. All trees stand at continued on page 4
4 Columbia citypaper September 7, 2005
obviously dead.... It seems like he’s the bleachers ripped up and sent As we drive east past Biloxi
been here a long time.” through the air, piercing buildings and onto the highway that will take
With the cell phone towers burnt and fences. us home, the southbound lanes are
out and power lines jumping and This is the worst damage we’ll finally filled with traffic. An addi-
sparking and coiled on the roadways, see. Uprooted trees slammed into tional 30,000 guardsmen have just
the communications become primi- houses, whole strip malls ripped open been ordered to the relief, but many
tive. In one limb-scattered section of and gutted, their contents strewn hurricane victims feel it wasn’t fast
Slidell, La., a spray paint and par- across the leveled parking lots. Ev- enough. The news briefs, sound
ticleboard message wards off poten- ery house is somehow affected. Red bytes and quotes all echo one anoth-
tial looters with the threat of death. Cross and Salvation Army tents have er with the same sentiments. What
“Looters will be shot,” it reads in sprung up under the eaves of dev- was going on down there seems like
sloppy lettering. At the entrance gate astated businesses. Power lines sag something you hear about in wars.
to a once-affluent neighborhood, into the street and are either cut or And like most wartime coverage you
Photo by Paul Blake
orange spray paint tells residents to driven over. In front of us, a man only hear what someone else hears
boil all their water until further no- climbs atop his utility truck and tries until it becomes like the old school-
As we pass the state line, the tice, while the teeth of fifty chain- to fix a broken wire. If he can’t, he’ll yard game of telephone, one news-
Mississippi welcome center sign is saws sparkle in the sun from the side simply cut it in half. caster to another.
peeled down the center in the mirror of the road. There, a man sits under While getting a press pass to Leaving New Orleans, coastal
and we first see the wreckage that is a tent with a spray painted piece of photograph the coastline, a police Alabama and Mississippi behind we
the state of Louisiana. Red cones and plywood. “Generators and chain- sergeant tells us they’re about to de- watch as the Army trucks descend
roadblocks obstruct all entrances to saws,” it reads. clare it a biohazard site. down Route 10, Route 12, and I-
New Orleans. Gas stations are top- 20 as if they’re headed to Baghdad.
pled over, crushed into the pavement. Along the interstate, helicopters fly
“KEEP OUT” reads the boarded-up low over the trees while tractor-trail-
windows of a ravaged strip motel. ers, tour busses and flatbeds carry
Parking lots are scattered with the construction equipment and jockey
signs of previous businesses, tossed for position in the opposite lanes. On
trees and bricks. One carwash looks the radio they say they’ve had already
like what would happen if you put a begun to pump water out of the city
hand grenade in a microwave. Fast and let some people back into their
food signs are lodged in rooftops. homes to check on damage. Busses
Traffic lights are knotted up with are filling at the Superdome. People
frayed electrical wires. Transformer are being evacuated. On I-20 east, as
boxes lay on the ground, creating the sun sets, it seems like help is fi-
roadside bombs waiting to explode. nally on the way.
The police have set up tents at each When we arrive back in Co-
interstate on ramp toward the city Photo by Corey Hutchins lumbia, the former NAVY reserve
and the bridge. is being converted into a shelter
They don’t turn away any cars. Just across the toll bridge is “Trust me guys, you don’t even for evacuees from the hurricane.
Because there are none. ground zero for the people of New want to go near there,” he says. Chomping on a cigar, volunteer co-
On the Louisiana Public Broad- Orleans. At the checkpoint, police News reports claim that alliga- ordinator Sam Tenenbaum presides
cast System, at 1:30pm on Sunday, turn our car around. Not being able tors are feeding on the dead. over the operation. His mission is to
correspondent Corey Johnson says to go farther south, we head east to The National Guard had just set have enough volunteers to walk each
the French Quarter is almost entirely the coastal towns that took most of up camp and parking vehicles on the evacuee through this process person-
dry, though some parts of the city Katrina’s inland force. Just after the roadways that lead to the wrecked ally, and he wont stop until he’s ac-
still have water up to the eaves. He turnaround, a fire department truck and tattered beaches. With no idea complished it.
can’t wait to eat shrimp remoulade at idles on the side of the road with a exactly who is in charge, the young
his favorite seafood restaurant in the group of people standing and look- guardsmen look as confused as the
coming weeks he says. A few min- ing into a runoff stream and point- exhausted citizens they are here to
utes and a few blocks later, Johnson ing. Some speculate it’s a dead body, help.
has changed his tune. He’s seen his others an alligator. All it looks like “Are we letting the press in
first dead body. is filthy black water boiling in the there?” one of them asks. Another
“There’s a cart here,” he said, reeds. shrugs. As the car window rolls up,
“with a body in it, obviously left out We’ve been on the road 13 hours the terrible scene is reflected in the
here so someone will see it.” There is when we reach Gulfport, Mississip- guardsman’s sunglasses: Downed
no more talk of shrimp remoulade. pi. The small coastal city is flattened. tress, crumbled buildings and the sad
“There’s also a large black man... Words are ripped off water towers; faces of people carrying their only
with no shoes on... face down... in the University of Mississippi’s Long belongings to the curb outside their
the water here on the corner.... He’s Beach football stadium is shredded, shattered homes. Photo by Corey Hutchins
 Columbia citypaper September 7, 2005 5

Photo by Paul Blake

“I don’t want them waiting in budget no longer includes the needed

line,” he said. “They have already money,” Army Corps of Engineers
been waiting in line up to this point. project manager Al Naomi said of
If they want take a shower, let them the money New Orleans needed to
take a shower.” fix their levees in 2004.
A woman approaches Tenen- The president has said we must
baum and tells him she doesn’t have continue the war in Iraq to save
anything. She wants to know if he our people at home, but it seems as
can tell her where she can get some though when the time came to appro-
personal supplies. Tenenbaum gives priate the most needed money, he got
the woman his personal card. his gulfs mixed up.
“Call me personally,” he says. Some argue this is not the time
“I’ll get you the stuff.” for blame. Others argue that without
With so many military person- finding that blame we can’t fully take
Photo by Corey Hutchins
nel being rushed to New Orleans and care of what needs to be done right
the gulf coast, and so many evacu- now. With rising editorial attacks on
ees fleeing their own cities, the situ- FEMA, the president, and bureaucra-
ation has been described with words cy in general, it is certain that when
generally reserved for war zones. everything is over someone is going
Ironically, some say the money that to have to stand trial. If our current
was supposed to go to New Orleans war isn’t proof enough right now, the
in the first place, to defend the city United States has never been a na-
from such a natural disaster, actually tion to let disasters go unpunished,
went to its descriptive counterpart natural or not.
thousands of miles overseas for the “Whoever’s at the top of this to-
war over there. tem pole,” Broussard said before his
“The cost of the Iraq war forced breakdown on national news, “that
the Bush administration to order the totem pole needs to be chain sawed
New Orleans districts office not to off, and we’ve got to start with some
begin any new studies, and the 2005 new leadership.”

Photo by Corey Hutchins Photo by Corey Hutchins

6 Columbia citypaper September 7, 2005

Riding made sure than when we started we both

knew where it was going to end. We were

the ‘Cock
glad to be in this together.
It was a beautiful Wednesday morning
when I woke up for my 8am class. I smiled
by Lissey Schroeder at Ryan and he smiled back. He took my
Contributing Writer hand in his... and I got on.
That was a long time ago it seems. Win-
I remember the first time I ever rode the ter blew by with its dusting of snow, and
‘Cock. It was with my best friend Ryan dur- spring came around with wild daisies on
ing the second week of college. Normally the Horseshoe. With the new seasons and
it wouldn’t have taken this long, but I think new semesters, new class schedules and a
we were both pretty nervous to jump right change of majors, I stopped riding on Ryan’s
into that sort of thing. We were both new to ‘Cock.
the college and if you’re going to ride the It’s not the saddest story. We still see
‘Cock you should always make sure you’re each other in some classes and at the din-
doing it with someone you know and make ing hall. I tell Ryan about how I ride the
sure you know you’re riding the right one. red ‘Cock now, the bigger one that I always
There’s nothing worse than getting your used to envy when I saw it on campus last
‘Cocks mixed up and finding out you’re on year. He laughs and tells me he doesn’t even
the wrong one. ride at all anymore. He bought something
It was the over the sum-
early morning mer that makes
when we both riding the ‘Cock
decided we unnecessary. It
were going to says it gets him
do it. I had an where he needs
early class and to go faster and
so did Ryan he doesn’t have
and I remember to wait around
asking him if as long. He says
he thought we it’s always there
were doing the for him when
right thing. I he needs it and
know a lot of girls on campus don’t like to even on the weekends.
ride the ‘Cock and I thought maybe it might I still ride the ‘Cock once in a while
be weird the first time. Maybe a little dan- and I really advocate any college student to
gerous even. Why weren’t so many other do the same. Give it a try if you haven’t al-
girls out there doing it? And why did I feel ready.
like I wanted to? I didn’t know, but I was The USC Shuttle Cock is a very con-
ready to find out. venient service for Carolina students and I
We took all the necessary precautions, encourage everybody to take advantage of
Ryan and I. We read all the booklets and it. I wouldn’t be the woman I am today with-
pamphlets they had for us in the Russell out it.
House about riding the ‘Cock. We both

Girls: Order your “I Rode the Cock at USC” Shirt today! For $20, you can
be the hottest girl in Patterson, E-mail joe@columbiacitypaper.com to place
you order.
Personal Finance Columbia citypaper September 7, 2005 7

Kiplinger Not only does she toss spare change

into jars, but she also tosses dollar bills into
a drawer. “Then you can grab a few singles
No Gas, ly essential.
I was surprised to discover that I hardly
missed food. On the other hand, thirst turns
Dr. Tightwad:
Saving Tricks
to pay for takeout instead of breaking a big-
ger bill, which is the road to disaster,” says No Food, people mean within hours. Water, orange
cola and a rusty case of mid-’90s Qatari
Koplitz.
When she was a waitress, Koplitz would
keep her first $50 a night in tips as spending
No Lodging Pepsi got me through for over a week. The
lack of electricity, conversely, proved incon-
venient in unexpected ways. Laptops and
money. After that, she’d save half of every- even satellite phones--essential technology
thing she made. She still has an automatic
by Ted Rall whether writing from a war zone or organiz-
savings plan, only now she tells her accoun- ing rescue operations in a flooded American
tants to stash 5 percent of her income in an city--rely on rechargeable batteries. Gen-
account that’s available if she needs it. “My erators are expensive and cumbersome, and
mother always told me, ‘that’s your getaway they run on gas. But without electricity you
money,”’ she says. can’t pump out the fuel.
DEAR READERS: I’m often asked to To control her credit card debt, Koplitz Shelter took a back seat to hygiene. Ab-
reprise a column I did a couple of years ago once resorted to freezing her cards in a bowl sent rain (a safe bet in Afghanistan), I would
that gave twentysomethings a list of tricks of water. Now she carries just two cards - have picked a hot shower over housing. That
they could play on themselves to spend less - one is American Express, which she must had to go double for the newly homeless
and save more. I’m happy to do it, with new pay off each month -- and keeps the rest with SAN FRANCISCO--Taps run dry. who have been wading through filthy flood-
and invaluable advice from Lynne Koplitz, a her accountants. “If I want to use one, they Food rots when the power goes out. Toilets waters in New Orleans. Whether for drink-
young woman who’s establishing a career as can ask if I really want to spend the money,” overflow with waste. Looters strip homes, ing or bathing, clean water comes first.
a comedienne in New York City. says Koplitz. businesses and public buildings. Armed American politicians and bureaucrats
Koplitz does standup comedy for a liv- Don’t have an accountant? Have a bandits run wild in the streets. Fires rage neither know life without the basics nor talk
ing, but before she got her big break she friend hold on to your cards so you’re not out of control. Terrified policemen abandon to those who do, which is why they failed to
waited tables. With so much of her income tempted to use them, advises Koplitz. their posts. Flies buzz over bloated corpses. respond coherently to the humanitarian cri-
in tips, she developed a repertoire of sim- To keep down entertainment costs, she People wave signs at passing helicopters. sis caused by Hurricane Katrina. Airlifting
ple yet effective ways to manage her cash takes guests out to breakfast rather than din- “Please help us,” they read. bottled water ought to have been FEMA’s
-- habits that still help make her money last ner “because it’s cheaper and you get more.” “Help is on the way,” their head of state first priority. Refugee centers ought to have
between gigs. And when you’re out with a group, never assures them. But the government sends sol- featured rows of portable showers. It is inex-
Each month, for example, Koplitz di- pay with a credit card and collect cash from diers instead of relief workers. The troops cusable that hospitals weren’t outfitted with
vides her expenses into categories -- for everyone else. Says Koplitz: “You’re prob- treat the victims, who are taxpayers and backup generators and fuel reserves to run
clothes, for fun, even for her dog -- and puts ably going to come up short on the bill, and citizens, as if they were prisoners. Aiming them. Police, firefighters and other first-re-
money for each into an envelope so that she when it’s time to pay up, the cash will be weapons at the sick sponders ought to
doesn’t overspend. gone.” and dying, they be equipped with
herd thousands into satellite phones

Kiplinger was receiving Social Security survivor ben-

efits. But those benefits have now been cut.
Please advise.
sports arenas where
they receive neither
water, nor food, nor
powered by dis-
posable batteries.
Of course, the
A: Tell the financial aid office that safe harbor. While government’s big-
Kids and Money: her income has been reduced. Schools are indifferent soldiers gest mistake was its
Ask Dr. Tightwad willing to renegotiate financial aid packages man checkpoints decision to priva-
when a family’s circumstances change. I to prevent the de- tize the evacuation.
DEAR Dr. T: I’m told that people need can’t guarantee that you’ll get more aid, but tainees from leav- Those who owned
to save 10 percent of their money. But I love it’s worth a try. ing, babies starve, cars fled. 100,000
the Japanese way of saving 18 percent to 20 the elderly die from poor people, who
percent. So I have my own way of saving DEAR Dr. T: My 15-year-old earned lack of medicine ride New Orleans’
money. I put my dimes, pennies and nickels close to $3,000 at his job this summer. He and children are raped and murdered. They streetcar system, were left behind to die.
in a piggy bank. My state quarters go into wants to use the money to buy a car next set up checkpoints to prevent anyone from Greyhound’s nearly 2,000 buses could have
an NYPD mug. My bicentennial quarters go year, but I would like him to invest the mon- leaving. gotten them all out--but commandeering pri-
into a coin wrapper, and my wheat pennies ey and make it grow until then. Any sugges- Reuters reports from inside a conven- vate property is the act of a civilized nation,
go somewhere else. I also save the Lewis tions? tion-center-cum-refugee camp: not the leaner, meaner, tough-break United
and Clark coins as collectibles. I save all A: Because your son wants to use his “Sitting with her daughter and other States. Similarly, storeowners should have
my crispy bills and spend the “junk” bills. money in the next year or so, he should keep relatives, Trolkyn Joseph, 37, said men had distributed water and other emergency sup-
Is there a right and a wrong way to save it someplace safe and easily accessible. wandered the cavernous convention center plies under a FEMA guarantee of reimburse-
money? A bank savings account would do the in recent nights raping and murdering chil- ment.
A: Any way that works for you is trick, but interest rates are still relatively dren. She said she found a dead 14-year old It only took a few days for New Orleans
the right way to save, and I’d say that you low. To earn a higher return, your son might girl at 5 a.m. on Friday morning, four hours to descend into anarchy, for the survivors of
are doing just fine. You’re already learning consider opening an account with an online after the young girl went missing from her Katrina to lose hope, for disgusted Ameri-
a lesson that many adults haven’t figured bank, such as ING Direct ( www.ingdirect. parents inside the convention center. ‘She cans to conclude that their leaders are too
out: The best way to save large amounts of com). was raped for four hours until she was dead,’ staggeringly stupid, incompetent and uncar-
money is to start young, start small and start ING was recently paying 3.3 percent Joseph said through tears. ‘Another child, ing to protect them from bad weather, much
simple. on its Orange Savings Account, with no a seven-year old boy was found raped and less a terrorist attack. Now think about this:
Once you’ve built up a stack of crispy minimum deposit or fees, and 4.15 percent murdered in the kitchen freezer last night.’” the citizens of cities under U.S. occupation
bills, ask your parents to help you open a on a one-year certificate of deposit (com- The horror of the aftermath is so ex- in Iraq and Afghanistan have been suffering
savings account at a bank or credit union so pared with an average of 2.92 percent). treme that it nearly erases the memory of the under similar conditions, exacerbated by an
you can earn interest on your money. Because your son is under 18, he’d initial disaster. identical lack of planning by the same U.S.
have to open a custodial account, with you Water, food, housing, electricity: in the officials, for nearly 900 days. New Orleans
DEAR Dr. T: My daughter just began listed as the primary accountholder. modern era, society collapses without them. is Baghdad plus water minus two and a half
attending university this fall. She did not However, as I found while reporting on the years.
qualify for much financial aid because she invasion of Afghanistan, they are not equal- Still wondering why they hate us?
8 Columbia citypaper September 7, 2005 Crime Watch

Mr. 29061
Feeling Lucky! A 22-year old man got

Meaner’s
caught stealing a whole bunch of “$100 Mil-
lion Cash Bonanza” lottery tickets and scan-
ning them to see if they were winners. Sorry,
dude, you are not a winner. We recommend
you not trying Russian roulette, 8000 block
Garners Ferry Road

29078
During a physical altercation a 22-year old
man picked up a glass bottle and smashed it
across the face of the 25-year old other guy
at Club Tropical. What would Jimmy Buffet

CRIME
Do? 700 block Garner’s Ferry Road

29201

WATCH College is in session! Someone threw a beer

bottle out of a car window smashing it on
the head of the 39-year old man walking on
This stuff doesn’t come out of no- the sidewalk. Did you get that on your mo-
where, it’s reported and recorded bile? Are you sending it to Jackass? Are you
straight from the local police de- a jackass? 2700 block Millwood.
partments by our editor. Though
this is a police blotter, the people 29201
Cops find two guys poking around a car
involved in these incidents are in-
that doesn’t belong to them. Oh yeah! And
nocent until proven guilty...well,
they’re both drunk! They get arrested for
maybe not under certain parts of both! 1100 block Kinard Court
the Patriot Act, but that’s not up to
us to decide. What we get comes 29201
directly from the signed account of Someone calls the 5-0 because they find an
the reporting officer(s). Either way, unknown man sleeping on their patio. When
we aren’t judges. cops get there they find him to be passed out
drunk and can’t get a name out of him. He’s
29210 got on a white shirt, blue jeans, his hair in
Guy has his windshield broken and finds a a ponytail and work boots. They book him
brick in the yard while doing yard work. He under the name “John Doe.” Columbia City
thinks someone threw it at his car. His name Paper Exclusive: Robert Downy Jr., can you
is not Sherlock Holmes, 800 block North- tell us where you were that night? 600 block
wood Street Arrowwod Road

29002 29201
You’ll be seeing more of this I’m sure - Two dudes get caught smoking dope in a
Someone pumped $47.00 worth of gas in parked car. We’re wondering why they’re
the car and drive off. Call your congressman doing it in the car, but we just remembered
if you’re pissed about gas prices. Or just you can play Tony Hawk 2 in SUVs nowa- reported to the location. A woman told them block North Main Street
move out of Columbia, 1300 block Dutch days too, 2200 block Devine Street a bullet had entered her bedroom while she
Fork Road was in bed. Sweet dreams tonight, 900 block 29203
29201 Colleton Street While sitting on her porch talking on the
29045 Alcohol and firearms: Cops catch a guy who phone, all of a sudden a woman says her
A man says he went to pick up his child matches a description and it turns out he not 29203 neighbor started “screaming in a loud and
from his estranged wife and she gave him a only has a gun on him but also some booze. Relationship in hot water: After a separation nasty voice,” at her. Stranger things have
bloody nose. We told the principal, 00 block We call that the “Columbia Combo,” 2000 from his girl this guy comes back to pick up happened I guess, 1700 block Cody Street
Scottsdale Road block Greene Street some personal stuff. The woman puts a pot
of water on the stove and tells him to leave 29203
29061 29201 or she’ll throw it on him. Any guesses on Officers find a man passed out drunk on the
After a short chase, cops catch the guy Fight in 5-Points: The fuzz on patrol find a what happened? That’s right folks, the bloke ground. Charles Bukowski wants his life
they’re after. He’s stooping down by a wood- guy in a fight with several other guys who got soaked, 2400 block Bently Court back, 4700 block Norman Street
en shed in a back yard and taking something run like girls when the lights go on. Show’s
out of his tennis shoes then tossing it. The over, back to Bates House, 700 block Hard- 29203 29203
officers found what it was. Any guesses? en Street While making a nightly deposit, a woman While conducting a safety checkpoint, of-
Come on it’s Columbia, this is easy. It was had a gun put to her side by a man in a gold ficers noticed a car totally disobeying the
CRACK! Mmmmm that’s good stuff, 1800 29203 striped shirt, black pants and brown hair. He checkpoint and nearly hitting an officer.
block Oceola Street After hearing several shots fired, officers got away with 16 grand that night, 6800 After pulling over the car the officers find
Crime Watch Columbia citypaper September 7, 2005 9
known man came in and robbed the store of the mall when another man came up and
of a whopping $50.00, 700 block Harden shot him one time in the left foot, 400 block
Street Bush River Road

29205 29210
23-year old dude say she lost his ID at Oh, the old sugar in the gas tank trick. Yes it
Sharkys. The kid says it was a Maryland WILL mess up a car as this poor guy found
ID but he says HE’S from New York. Yeah, out, 3300 block Harden Street
do the math on that one, 600 block Harden
Street 29210
Cops say a woman drove a vehicle into a
29205 building and that building’s ICE machine,
College kids with pot, alcohol and drugs? 800 block Bush River Road
Nahhh. But sure as hell the cops make a big
deal out of it. They probably would have 29210
been okay but the police could see the pot After hearing shots fired in a strip-mall park-
through the window and smell the smoke. ing lot, cops find several people loitering in
Next time try blowing through some dryer the parking lot. After spotting a spent bullet
sheets or...I mean no, no, don’t smoke at all, shell in the ground behind a car, the officer
you might someday grow up to be the Pope, searched the guy finding marijuana. Mari-
1800 block Greene Street juana and guns, don’t you remember that
commercial, 300 block Powell Drive
29205
Someone gets caught keying a car, gets 29210
in trouble, it’s big news, 7000 block Two A woman tried giving a funny twenty to
Notch Road a car hop at a Sonic Drive Thru but was
foiled. She took off before the cops showed
29206 up, 3000 block Broad River Road
Funny Money: A guy tries to purchase some
stuff with a fake $20 but says he really 29223
didn’t know it was bogus. Cops say all his Victim complains that she’s received over
other bills look good so they just take the 75 phone calls that she doesn’t like. Most
Monopoly money and let him on his way, of them are hang ups, but there have been a
5400 block Forest Drive few who “speak negative about her charac-
ter,” 300 block Ross Road
29206
A 26-year old man says he found his dog 29223
dead and then got a phone call by some- This guy says a girl just wont stop calling
one asking if he’d found the dog dead yet. him. Cops told her to knock it ff but she said
“That’s not all that’s going to die,” the caller his mom “better get ready to bury him,”
told him. After all that the man says the val- yikes, 1800 block Barbara Drive
ue of his dog was $50. Hell of a best friend
Old Yeller must have been, 900 block Arca- 29223
dia Lakes Someone vandalized a car by spraying “un-
known chemicals” all over the windshield.
29209 Cops say it was an “oily film.” Interesting,
drugs and guns. Yo, some rapper write a 29204 A man in his mid thirties walked into the 6300 block Stachford Road
song about it, 1000 block Charlton Street Guy says he heard knocking at his back door Sunoco and jacked eight 18-Packs of Bud
and when he opened it he got punched in the Light. Guess what though, you were on 29223
29203 face. We hope the real story doesn’t sound camera, 7200 block Garner’s Ferry Road. After someone broke some windows in a
How would YOU like 22.9 grams of cocaine anything like the one our intern always house he was only scared off when the po-
valued at $2,290.00? Well, Probably not too tells that starts “Yo, this one time, I was on 29209 lice dogs showed up, 100 block Stonegate
much if you got caught with it like this blow shrooms...” 2200 block Laurel Street A 51-year old man says five black men Drive
head did, 1100 block Charlton Street came through his yard cursing and kicking
29205 his fence. One of them took a piece of the 29223
29204 A 19-year old woman’s bike was stolen from fence and threw it through his window, 3600 Someone started a house fire by burning
A patient comes into the hospital emergency her apartment but she swears she locked it block Trowler Lane some tall grass in the back yard, 600 block
room complaining of chest pains and when up. Either way cops describe the bike like Brickyard Road
she’s told she has to wait she gets angry. Af- this: “Handlebars have extra handlebars 29210
ter she’s told to take a seat, she says she’s above the handlebars,” so if you do see MURDER: Officers responded to Mildred 29229
going to “blow up the hospital.” Take a this mutant bike, let them know, 600 block Street to find two people dead at the loca- Someone busted out every window of a 20-
wrong turn at the psych ward? 5 Medical Meadow Street tion, 4200 block Mildred Street year old man’s car with a lug wrench. He
Dark Drive has no idea who would have done this, 200
29205 29210 block Fure Ave.
The clerk at Strictly Running says an un- Dance! A 24-year old man was walking out
10 Columbia citypaper September 7, 2005 Food Review

Eating on potato. Wendy’s offers a nice variety of

choices if you are that cheap bastard your ex
girlfriend told her mother you are.
Donald’s dollar side salad. This side salad
actually includes field greens and is the
highest quality of the fast food chains. A
an old Wendy’s cup off the floorboard and
walk in with your shoulders up while you
fill at their fountain or in their high traffic

the Cheap Wendy’s created and owned the 99-

cent menu market. Now that other fast food
chains have imitated
nice compliment is the double cheeseburger
for 99 cents, and if you are diet conscious
this combo is actu-
fast food john.
Burger King’s side salad was all ice-
berg and wasn’t that fresh. It is nothing to
by Joe Fotallate her, she has gotten a ally in the Barry write home about, and certainly no walk in
little greedy. Don’t Sear’s Zone diet. the park. If you are going cheap with BK
let that red hair and M c D o n a l d ’s you are better off listening for Bob Brandi’s
ribbon fool you. Be- parfait is also worth latest deals on Pit Stop Radio.
hind that freckled a mention, but you In short, you can fulfill most of your 99-
face is a sordid mask might want to avoid cent needs at Wendy’s if you can settle for
of greed and blood- all that sugar, fat the cheeseburger and can forget how good
thirsty capitalist cor- ass. Also avoid the the junior bacon cheeseburger was. Or you
ruption. That’s not deep-fired McChi- can just shell out another 30 cents. McDon-
ketchup running out cken, two pies, soft alds will help you mix it up and still offers
Are all value menus truly the same? of her mouth. The drink, and fries. great meals for two bucks. Save Burger King
Columbia City Paper publisher Joe Fotalatte junior bacon cheese- Burger King for the days you have a fast food partner and
takes an in depth look at extra value menus, burger is now $1.29. isn’t even trying to utilize their promotions. For Columbia City
plain value menus and dollar menus. Here It still includes card- compete when it Paper, I’m Joseph Fotalatte.
you’ll find the best meals and tips for eating board crunchy ba- comes to feeding
under three bucks. (and half-way healthy at con with generous your broke ass for
that) portions of lettuce two bucks. Their
In the mood for a grilled chicken ranch and tomato. Still, the extra value menu
salad? price increase rubbed me the wrong way, so started as a test run in 1999 in New Orleans,
Swing by Wendy’s and order the 99- I blamed Uncle Sam and then went on to try and we all know how that turned out. (Sorry,
cent chicken nuggets and 99-cent side salad. the competition in the dollar meal world. too soon.)
Now take a moment to break up the chicken As it turns out the Wendy’s side salad The junior whopper would be a fine
and sprinkle on some reduced fat ranch, and isn’t the best side salad in town. Wendy’s meal on its own, but when ordering water
your two dollar fried chicken ranch salad was mostly iceberg lettuce even though they often sneak the bottled kind on your
meal is complete. Wendy’s is also the most the carrot shreds, tomatoes and cucumbers tab for some extra coinage. There are two
accommodating in supplying the compli- seem to always be fresh but still stick in ways to deal with this. If they refuse to fill
mentary cup of ice water. Other nice 99- your teeth. up a cup, either drive off after you order and
cent matches include a side chili and baked The best side salad in town is the Mc- screw up the whole line behind you, or grab

Why Wait for the

New Year
to Get in Shape?

Make the most of your summer with

transferable credit and low tuition.
College Students- Save money and earn
your degree faster by taking summer
courses at Midlands Technical College.
Ask your advisor about transferring
MTC credits to your four-year institution.

Visit midlandstech.edu for a

complete list of summer courses.
Advice Column Columbia citypaper September 7, 2005 11

Savage There’s asexuality and then there’s being re-

pulsed by sex, also known as “sexual aver-
want him to get in trouble. Plus it’s embar-
rassing for the both of us.

Love
sion disorder,” and that’s a horse-f*cker of
a different color. So, yeah, I would describe She Who Needs Sleep
you as fucked up and order you to get your
sorry butt into therapy. Stop worrying about protecting your
by Dan Savage For a second opinion we turn now to Da- brother and start worrying about protect-
vid Jay: ing yourself. He’s sexually assaulting you,
“Show me anyone, sexual or asexual, SWNS, and he’s using your fear of embar-
who isn’t in some way f*cked up and I’ll rassment to keep you silent! You’re being
gag,” says Jay. “The question she should be manipulated and abused--get angry! Tell
asking herself is not, ‘Am I fucked up?’ but, your parents what’s going on, buy a lock
‘Do I need sex to be happy?’ It doesn’t sound for your door, and if your brother somehow
like she does, but the question is probably manages to get into your room despite the
Ser ving the Vista Since 2000
worth exploring with a best friend and a six- lock, scream your f*cking head off.
pack. If she concludes that she needs sex in Your brother needs help--not because
How can I tell if I’m asexual? Is it a le- her life, then there’s an industry that will be he’s a foot fetishist, SWNS, there’s nothing FREE
gitimate orientation or am I just a seething more than happy to serve her.” wrong with that. He needs help because he’s
ball of neuroses?
Sex does nothing for me. I can’t orgasm
But if you conclude that sex just isn’t for
you, Jay would advise you to take stock of
obviously developed--through absolutely
no fault of yours--a thing for abusing, ma-
Darts
(even when I attempt masturbation), so my your situation from a nonsexual standpoint. nipulating, and terrorizing women. Your
husband doesn’t go there. That’s fine by me. “You’ve got what sounds like a great hus- continued silence in the face of this abuse
I HATE my people-parts; I find them utterly
icky. At any rate, I apparently perform good
band who you love and great friends. Instead
of focusing your energy on worrying about
isn’t helping you or your brother, SWNS,
but making it more likely that he will at-
FREE
fellatio, so the no-intercourse thing isn’t sex (which up to now has been nothing tempt this with other women one day. If
such an issue. My marriage seems fine; we but boring), focus on further exploring the your brother doesn’t get help NOW he’s ei- Shuffle Board
laugh and share the same lefty values and things that you actually find pleasurable.” ther going to wind up in jail or dead on the
cuddle on the couch. When he has needs he And your husband’s needs? bedroom floor of a woman who sleeps with
fondles my breasts and nuzzles me; this in- “I wouldn’t be that worried about your a gun under her pillow.
dicates “go down on me now, please.” So I
do. However, I feel nothing.
husband,” Jay says. “If he had some over-
whelming need to have more sex he prob- Kudos to you for your love of the Dres-
Pool
Is that normal? I’m well-adjusted oth- ably would have mentioned it by now.” den Dolls. But check them out live if you get
erwise, a productive member of society and Hmm, I respectfully dissent. While it’s the chance! There’s nothing more enjoyable
possible that your husband is content with
all that. I am cheerful, good-humored, and
pretty, too. Are some people simply not wired the odd perfunctory blowjob, it’s more likely
than hearing the lyrics in “Coin-Operated
Boy” change from “I can even take him in PGA Tour Golf
to be into sex? I’m certainly into love. I feel that he doesn’t press the matter because he the bath” to “I can even f*ck him in the ass”
very passionate about my husband and my loves you. But he probably misses women’s during the live show. Brilliant!
friends, but it’s completely cerebral. If it’s of people-parts, Lisa, and one day the opportu-
any use, I’m 31 and I dislike pooping, too. nity to fuck the shit out of another woman’s Nick Mega Touch
Basically: Am I f’d up? Is it okay to not people-parts is going to present itself and
be sexual? Should my sorry butt be in ther- he’ll seize it. And this, I think, will be the ul- Thanks for the heads up, Nick, but I
apy? timate test of your asexual cred. If you don’t discovered that the Dresden Dolls change

Lisa
think sex is important, then it shouldn’t mat-
ter to you if your husband does this hugely
“I can even take him in the bath” to “I can
even fuck him in the ass” during their live
Open
unimportant thing with someone else every shows all on my own. I love them so much
After the results of a study on asexual- once in a while. I bought their live CD, which I took home Mon - Fri
ity were published in the Journal of Sex and listened to while my 7-year-old son was
Research in August 2004, a new sexual mi- Hi. I’m a 16-year-old girl whose 20- in the room. This resulted in me having to 4pm - Until
nority group began taking its turn up on the year-old brother has a foot fetish. Normally, explain to him what “f*ck him in the ass”
wicked stage. Everyone from the BBC to this wouldn’t bother me. However, he comes meant 18 years earlier than I had planned.
Salon to the New Scientist weighed in on into my room at 2:00 in the morning and (Where’s Tipper Gore when you need her?)
the 1 percent of the population that, accord-
ing to U.K. researchers, “had never felt sex-
slips his hands under the covers to touch my
feet. The other night I woke up and he was
Still, I love the Dresden Dolls, and anyone
who wants to see the Dresden Dolls change
Sat and Sun
ually attracted to anyone at all.” The go-to
guy for quotes and insights into asexuality
licking my foot. Sometimes he’ll rub his pe-
nis between my toes. I love my brother, but
that lyric live should check out their website,
www.dresdendolls.com, for their upcoming
4pm-2am
was David Jay, a 23-year-old asexual from this makes me uncomfortable. He comes in tour dates in the U.S. and Canada.
St. Louis, Missouri, and the founder of the almost every night, and when he wakes me Finally, a lot of readers--smokers and
Asexual Visibility and Education Network up, I can’t get back to sleep for at least an nonsmokers alike--took exception to my
(www.asexuality.org). hour. I’m so tired in the morning, and my advice for the woman whose boyfriend has $1 Natural
We’ll get to Jay’s insights into your case mom blames me saying I stay up too late. a smoking fetish. Go to link.thestranger.
in a second, Lisa, but first I have to say that
asexuality, as I understand it, is an indif-
What should I do? I’ve tried confronting my
brother (sometimes when he wakes me up
com/1155 to read their feedback. Lights
ference to sex. Reading your letter, Lisa, I
didn’t sense indifference, just disgust--with
I’ll tell him to get out of my room). He has to
be really dense to think I don’t know. I don’t
Dan Savage’s new book, The Commit-
ment: Love, Sex, Marriage, and My Family,
All the Time!
people-parts, with pooping, with blowjobs. want to tell my mom or dad because I don’t goes on sale September 22.
12 Columbia citypaper September 7, 2005 The Columbia Beet

The Ever been to The Boiler Room? Ever

even heard of it? Well you heard it first
HERE and now you have no excuse. Colum- The Columbia Beet
Columbia bia’s newest Do It Yourself venue opened its
doors just a couple months ago and has since
brought many bands from all over to the city
Music Calendar
Beet of Columbia. Located on Gadsden Street,
behind the recently closed Meritage, they
run a no smoking or drinking establishment.
Thursday • September 8
Art Bar
Tuesday • September 13
New Brookland Tavern
by Hardy Childers Don’t worry too much though, they carry
plenty of Jones Soda and you can always Roni Zagoria and the Whole Lotta Man Cory Branan
smoke outside (just pretend you’re in New Band Rob Lindsey
York or California). On Wednesday, Sep- Ellipsis Zach Fowler
tember 14th they’ll bring The Manchester 8:30pm 8:00pm
Orchestra in town to headline their indie
dream pop, while O, Captain! will pluck New Brookland Tavern
their way into your eardrums with their in-
die folk. Local Brave Horatious will amaze Soilent Green Wednesday • September 14
with his crafted, homespun songs and lets Into the Moat
hope for his cover of The Misfits’ “Astro Quickfuse The Boiler Room
If you didn’t go out this weekend you Zombies” which will make you fall in love In My Trunk Manchester Orchestra
missed out big. Two all day music festivals, and cry until you realize he’s singing about 7:00pm O, Captain!
hundreds of underage kids dressed up in sending zombies out to exterminate the hu- Brave Horatious
pirate outfits, and thirty-one bands played. man race. Minglewood 8:00pm
Even one air band. But chill out, the next Papa String Band
two weeks will offer its own blend of musi- Headliners
cal surprises; so don’t beat yourself up too
bad. You’ll be able to redeem your cheap or Will Hoge
lazy ways by getting out of the house and Friday • September 9 Missy Higgins
supporting Columbia, which after all, is “a 8:00pm
capital place to be.” Minglewood
Bellyful Minglewood
Rudy Rodriquez Group

Hundred Year Storm Saturday • September 10 New Brookland Tavern

Columbia City Exclusive: There will be
a new DIY venue in town called The Hang- Art Bar
er which will be debuting Thursday, Sep- The Woggles
tember 15th, with Hundred Year Storm The Spooges
from Austin, Texas and supporting act, local Hocky Night
The Woggles musician Greeneggy who’s turned his home
recordings into a full band. Hundred Year New Brookland Tavern
This Saturday, September 10th at the Storm plays atmospheric post-rock over del- Testing Ground
Art Bar will be a special night for rock ‘n icate and not so delicate soundscapes while Quench
roll fans with appearances by The Woggles Greeneggy writes quirky but poppy bed- Beam Nashville Pussy
and The Spooges. The Woggles will blend room written anthems. House venues have
a rambunctious 50’s and 60’s rock ‘n roll been known to fold very quickly so make The Hottness The AKAs
with a high energy stage show and matching sure you jump on the chance to say you’ve 9:00pm Gorilla Mask
suits. The last time they played Columbia been to this one. For directions and more in- 8:00pm
the audience was having so much fun they formation email eggstinguish@yahoo.com.
were banging and breaking their beer bottles Sunday • September 11
together and demanding a THIRD encore. Thursday • September 15
Expect the same enthusiasm from both the The Boiler Room
band and the audience this time around too. Tom Conlin Art Bar
Opening for The Woggles is Columbia’s Andy Zipf Boxing Day
premier Iggy Pop and The Stooges cover
band, The Spooges. Judging from past 8:00pm Mean Wiener
shows there will be a frenzied audience of 8:30pm
Stooges fans up front jumping over each New Brookland Tavern
other to scream their favorite songs into the The Letter Red Headliners
microphone. This show will be intents. Stretch Arm Strong Minus Memories Rehab
The New Brookland Tavern has lined The Hollowpoint Story 9:00pm
up a kick-ass night of alt-country/indie rock Columbia’s own Stretch Armstrong Goodnight Providence
on Monday, September 12th. The Glass who have been playing for thirteen years 7:00pm Minglewood
from Memphis will rock hard with a sense and have been recently signed as the flag- Absylom Rising
of melancholic urgency while Chris Mills ship band on the Syndicate Management
and the New Miserable Bastards from (home to Thursday and Shadows Fall) la-
Chicago will evoke Wilco and The Flam- bel imprint We Put Out Records. They will Monday • September 12 New Brookland Tavern
ing Lips while turning it into something all be releasing their album, “Free At Last”, on MMS Battle of the Bands
their own. Local Rallo Johnson, who self September 13th and will be playing a home- New Brookland Tavern Mind Your Head
describes his music as “a whisper from your town release show on Saturday, Septem- The Glass Xemir
whiskey, and a scream from your past”, will ber 17th at the newly reopened Headliners Chris Mills and the New Miserable Bas- The Autumn Overcast
bring his own blend of country and blues venue in the Vista. If you live in Columbia, tards 8:00pm
porch music with a full band adding that ex- like hardcore, and haven’t seen Stretch yet, Rallo Johnson
tra edge. Stay afterwards for Rock ‘n Roll put down this magazine and go choke on a The Magazines
Night and sip or shoot their $1.75 house li- dildo.
quors. 7:00pm
The Columbia Beet Columbia citypaper September 7, 2005 13

Friday • September 16 Marian Carter

5:00pm
So Close which Fiennes takes a deep sea exploration
of pregnant Tessa in the bathtub, using a we
cam, while he affects a French accent. It’s

it Hurts
Headliners
certainly a testament to the actor’s talent.
Monday • September 19 Nobody hurled a soda at the screen, which is
surprising, since everyone knows how sour
New Brookland Tavern A Review of The moments like these can go. Remember the
Escape This infamous animal cracker fiasco in the movie
Endwell Constant Gardener about the big meteor? Imagine Ben Affleck
Diemona in a tub with Liv Tyler and a webcam. Grue-
Red Letter Suicide by Brian Ray some.
7:00pm To Gardener’s detriment, Mairelles
The Blue Dogs British diplomat Justin Quayle (Ralph tends to diffuse and pacify the inherent ten-
9:00pm Fiennes) hunts down the evil profit mongers sion between his lovers. Whatever tussles
Tuesday • September 20 who blew up his wife—an activist who’d that do occur between them never last lon-
Minglewood followed him to Africa out of love and other, ger than a day. By nightfall they’re trading
The Red Belly Band The Boiler Room politically-motivated reasons. Back story: tongues, each time leaving viewers in ques-
Blacklisted Once in Africa, Tessa Quayle stumbled onto tion of why Tessa doesn’t just follow her pas-
New Brookland Tavern Down to Nothing the plans of a drug company to make mil- sion instead of arguing, and in some cases,
Cast Aside lions off the sales of a still-dangerous medi- begging like she does for “independence.”
Where It Ends cation for Tuberculosis. It turns up later in the film that Tessa is just
Brain Freeze Sounds like a dozen other plots. Man 24 years-old. That might explain why she’s
7:00pm meets girl. Sex. Murder. Revenge. But this is a tough and courageous activist one minute
an intellectual film sans shootouts and chase and a scared little girl the next. But this alley
New Brookland Tavern scenes that manages, still, to keep viewers of characterization needs a spotlight, not a
Man Alive in their seats. Not only that, but Brazilian flashlight.
The Evan Anthem director Fernando Meirelles (City of God) Once she’s been blown up by henchmen,
7:00pm possesses a gift for soaking his films with Tessa returns several times in ghostly imag-
The Juliana Theory the local color and culture, making audienc- ery to, apparently, club the audience over
Lovedrug es inhabit his the head with
The Goodwill Wednesday • September 21 world. an emotional
All Good Citizens Critics are mallet. Her
5:00pm Headliners already call- image floats
Sam Fisher ing it “one of on screen, so
9:00pm the year’s best to speak, at the
Saturday • September 17 films.” May- precise mo-
Minglewood be. While it’s ments when
Art Bar Rudy Rodriquez Group worth the price it should be
The Last Dance of admission Fiennes alone.
New Brookland Tavern and an hour’s He needs
Headliners The Supervillians worth of con- space—and
Stretch Armstrong Samwise versation after- time—to
Testing Ground The Maladroit Mafia ward, this one mourn and
Hopes Fall 8:00pm seems to lack the fairy dust that would pro- weep without the assistance of flashbacks
Burns Out Bright pel it into the world of Crash, Downfall, or and other technical fireworks. Fiennes is
The Varsity Broken Flowers. As a political protest film, strangled by such gimmicks. The best move
6:00pm Thursday • September 22 suspense thriller, and potshot at pharmaceu- with an actor this strong is to let him do his
tical companies, Gardner wins. But as a love job. This especially becomes problematic in
Minglewood Art Bar story, it falls far short. the film’s closing minutes, as Justin speaks
Almost Jason Cooter Scooters As an aloof government official who’d to his dead wife. The moment would’ve
Yukos the Crude rather plant flowers than fight social injus- stung like hornets had he pronounced his
New Brookland Tavern Minx Flux tice, Fiennes fills his role well. As a young love to thin air instead of Tessa’s ghost, her
Guitar Show 9:00pm mover-and-shaker with a fire in her gut, image, or her whatever, which sits right be-
Midnight Train Rachel Weisz delivers a convincing perfor- side him. In any case, the acting is superb.
Another Castle Minglewood mance. The tension between these two is The dialogue is sharp. The cinematography
Flashbulb Memories Green Light captivating. Especially riveting, is their first is evocative and the script, adapted from the
6:00pm encounter. At a press conference where he novel by John le Carre, serves up an engag-
New Brookland Tavern supposedly speaks for Britain. Justin ends ing, affecting story.
MMS Battle of the Bands up defending a tenacious activists when While many critics are no doubt very
Sunday • September 18 If All Else Fails her outbursts of opinion cause everyone to excited to write about a movie that “takes
TBA leave. Justin stays to apologize for the unfair on” pharmaceutical companies, the con-
New Brookland Tavern 8pm words and they hit it off, throw back a few spiracy at hand seems simply to drive the
New Music Night at a bar, and then go to his place. You know murder mystery. While we all love to hate
Deleveled what that means. big corporations and uncaring governments,
Tentacles of the Octopus But the love scenes that populate the rest this story just can’t give us the kindling for
High School Speeding of the film smack of sap. All throughout, social commentary in the sense that “Hotel
Mercury Radio Theater Maurielles dumps one cheese-laced mo- Rwada” does. Gardner might aspire to do
Brian Kenney Fresno ment onto another when he simply ought this, but it seems happily wrapped up with
Teen Pop Sensation to allow the audience to fill in the blanks its espionage and intrigue.
Just R Luck of the bedroom. Case in point: a scene in
14 Columbia citypaper September 7, 2005 Cartoons and Horoscopes

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HOROSCOPES Cancer
June 22 - July 22
Close the door behind you. The air-condi-
Sagittarius
November 22 - December 21
Every minute counts today, especially if
by Gov. Sanford* tioning is on. you’re a stockholder.

Aries
March 21 - April 19
Watch out for old debts and create new ones Leo Capricorn
without looking. July 23 - August 22 December 22 - January 19
The goals of you life are non-existent and Run away from your problems and don’t
that’s probably why you’re reading these. look back, or just walk backwards quickly.

Taurus
April 20 - May 20 Virgo Aquarius
Do not judge others. Unless of course you August 23 - September 22 January 20 - February 18
work in a courtroom or are a clerk at Circle- A family figure will come in contact with You feel uncomfortable in your desk chair
k checking IDs. you and you will want them to go away. because you realize if your ansestors hadn’t
killed all the indians; you probably wouldn’t
be sitting there.

Libra
Gemini September 23 - October 22
May 21 - June 21 The past is catching up with you. purchase a Pisces
Don’t be afraid to make conversation today, enw pair of tennis shoes. February 19 - March 20
people like you. Also, try to be everywhere You should stay with your husband, he hits
at once. you because he loves you. When he throws
bread at you, he really wants to hug you, he
Scorpio just doesn’t know how to express it.
*DISCLAIMER: October 23 - November 21
Gov. Sanford does not actually write these horoscopes, Libra is prominent and so is someone with
we just think he is a man of vision. Since he is a public the initials A, D or F, or letters H through
figure, we have decided to PhotoShop him blue, com-
Q.
ing out of a genie’s bottle.
 Cartoons and Crossword Puzzle Columbia citypaper September 7, 2005 15

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Edited by Will Shortz No. 0722 their best.
ACROSS 36 Whence some 62 “Wow!” 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14
1 It’s seen in the leather 63 Fanned
middle of a 39 Overweening 64 Paper’s space
15 16
Every paper has
quarter one available for 17 18
9 Name of many 40 They’re closed stories as their own “Best
Jesuit schools on rainy days opposed to ads 19 20 21

15 Goes for 42 Having to report

of Awards,”
22 23
16 Program with to DOWN and they are often
steps 43 Providers of
1 Handle 24 25 26 27
17 Figureheads empty calories
2 Prefix with
just blowing
46 E-mail status 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35
18 Put up
elsewhere 47 Klatsch
industry smoke up their
3 ___ Hubbard 36 37 38 39
19 Huge number 53 Two-bit
4 Slough
advertisers ass.
40 41 42
20 Frick collection 54 Answer to a
judge 5 “I’m with you”
21 More like fudge 43 44 45 46
55 Where operators 6 Heavy metal Here’s your
22 Words of may be standing 7 Title role for a 47 48 49 50 51 52
warning
24 Opéra part
by: Abbr. tenor
53 54 55 56 57
chance to be
58 Land 8 Preventing spills
27 Fabric pattern 59 It’s south of the 9 Ostrich’s 58 59 60
honest in a place
28 Faulkner’s “___ Bass Strait production
Thirteen” 61 Actress Golonka 10 Spreads 61 62
where your vote
30 X-ray for Rex, of “Mayberry 11 Philistine 63 64
actually counts.
say R.F.D.”
12 Kind of We wil have
personality Puzzle by Elizabeth C. Gorski
ANSWER TO PREVIOUS PUZZLE 34 Currently has 44 Lit 52 “Delirious” ballots in our next
tu
13 Troglodyte
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H O L E W E N E DS S I M
the stage co-star, 1991
26 T
M U S T A N G C A T C A L L 14 Swearing left 45 Experience
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A Z E D A M I N EE L R A
21 P
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and right 35 Packing info: highs and lows 55 Automaker issue, and you will
S T R A I N S S T R I P E S Abbr. 47 “Out!” Ferrari
A
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22 ___-no be able to vote on
sc
S I M P L E C I P H E R
T S E F Z E O OM H C S
37 Wrapped tightly 48 Enfant ___ 56 Cambodian
at
A D O T R A S M E N T O R 23 Imported (pampered capital our website.
14 P S E N T S A O L C
French wheel? 38 End of many
L Y N N P I S A R O E child)
B E L O W F S R O O N U S
L. Frank Baum 57 “Maureen”
Ut
E A U N O T A R I Z E 24 Balance 49 Elevators?
E G O T I S T O O C C R O M
titles singer
13 Bi
Z P V C S P L F U I F D P E F
I G L A T I N P S E E H T providers, for
50 Drones, e.g.
12 Fi
B U C K A R O O
R E O I
C T A
E M T C A short 41 Began a day
late 51 Editorialize
60 Sound from an
exam room
Best regards,
b
A R R
B E S O R R Y
I N R E
L L Y O U
S P A M 25 Hua’s
11 S
R E S E W S
G O O I E R
I R A S
L S O I
O V O
N O T predecessor in Joe Fotallate
China For answers, call 1-900-285-5656, $1.20 a minute; or, with a
b S H I F T A L E T T E R
R E H A N G E N N T M O R F
26 Shore sight credit card, 1-800-814-5554.
Publisher of
R O U T I N E S I N A T R A
10 It A L A N O N T O E E S R G A
im A R R A N G E
L O Y O L A O N
E N D L E S S 29 Friendly
F M O L A H Annual subscriptions are available for the best of Sunday
crosswords from the last 50 years: 1-888-7-ACROSS.
Locally Owned
9 Ta T E N S E S T D E S I R E S opener?
CCP
ANSWER TO PREVIOUS PUZZLE
31 Court ploy Online subscriptions: Today's puzzle and more than 2,000
Note: Shifting each letter in 38-Across one past puzzles, nytimes.com/crosswords ($34.95 a year).
8 Pl ANWSWERS TO PUZZLE
letter earlier in the alphabet produces the 32 Treaty topic Share tips: nytimes.com/puzzleforum. Crosswords for young
of some blocks
30 Do some lifting
7P message YOU BROKE THE CODE.
lines? 53 Makeup of
33 Game piece solvers: nytimes.com/learning/xwords.
28 Place for private 52 Shoot down
se
6H store section 51 Experiences
16 Columbia citypaper September 7, 2005

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