THE ALCHEMIST

BENJAMIN (BEN) JONSON

 DRAMATIS PERSONAE

Subtle, the Alchemist

Face, the Housekeeper

Dol Common, their Colleague

Dapper, a Lawyer S Clerk

Drugger, a Tobacco Man

Lovewit, Master of the House

Sir Epicure Mammon, a Knight

Pertinax Surly, a Gamester

Tribulation Wholesome, a Pastor of Amsterdam

Ananias, a Deacon there

Kastril, the angry Boy

Dame Pliant, his Sister, a Widow

Neighbours

Officers, Attendants, etc.

Scene: London.
THE ALCHEMIST TO THE LADY MOST DESERVING HER NAME AND
BLOOD: LADY MARY WROTH.

Madam,

In the age of sacrifices, the truth of religion was not in the greatness
and fat of the offerings, but in the devotion and zeal of the sacrificers:
else what could a handle of gums have done in the sight of a
hecatomb? or how might I appear at this altar, except with those
affections that no less love the light and witness, than they have the
conscience of your virtue? If what I offer bear an acceptable odour,
and hold the first strength, it is your value of it, which remembers
where, when, and to whom it was kindled. Otherwise, as the times are,
there comes rarely forth that thing so full of authority or example, but
by assiduity and custom grows less, and loses. This, yet, safe in your
judgment (which is a Sidney's) is forbidden to speak more, lest it talk
or look like one of the ambitious faces of the time, who, the more they
paint, are the less themselves.

Your ladyship's true honourer,

BEN JONSON
 To THE READER

If thou beet more, thou art an understander, and then I trust thee. If thou art
one that takest up, and but a pretender, beware of what hands thou receivest
thy commodity; for thou wert never more fair in the way to be cozened,
than in this age, in poetry, especially in plays: wherein, now the
concupiscence of dances and of antics so reigneth, as to run away from
nature, and be afraid of her, is the only point of art that tickles the
spectators. But how out of purpose, and place, do I name art? When the
professors are grown so obstinate contemners of it, and presumers on their
own naturals, as they are deriders of all diligence that way, and, by simple
mocking at the terms, when they understand not the things, think to get off
wittily with their ignorance. Nay, they are esteemed the more learned, and
sufficient for this, by the many, through their excellent vice of judgment.
For they commend writers, as they do fencers or wrestlers; who if they
come in robustuously, and put for it with a great deal of violence, are
received for the braver fellows: when many times their own rudeness is the
cause of their disgrace, and a little touch of their adversary gives all that
boisterous force the foil. I deny not, but that these men, who always seek to
do more than enough, may some time happen on some thing that is good,
and great; but very seldom; and when it comes it doth not recompense the
rest of their ill. It sticks out, perhaps, and is more eminent, because all is
sordid and vile about it: as lights are more discerned in a thick darkness,
than a faint shadow. I speak not this, out of a hope to do good to any man
against his will; for I know, if it were put to the question of theirs and mine,
the worse would find more suffrages: because the most favour common
errors. But I give thee this warning, that there is a great difference between
those, that, to gain the opinion of copy, utter all they can, however unfitly;
and those that use election and a mean. For it is only the disease of the
unskilful, to think rude things greater than polished; or scattered more
numerous than composed.
 ARGUMENT

T he sickness hot, a master quit, for fear,

H is house in town, and left one servant there;
E ase him corrupted, and gave means to know

A Cheater, and his punk; who now brought low, L eaving their
narrow practice, were become C ozeners at large; and only
wanting some H ouse to set up, with him they here contract, E
ach for a share, and all begin to act.
M uch company they draw, and much abuse, I n casting
figures, telling fortunes, news, S elling of flies, flat bawdry
with the stone, T ill it, and they, and all in fume are gone.
THE ALCHEMIST
 PROLOGUE

Fortune, that favours fools, these two short hours,

We wish away, both for your sakes and ours,
Judging spectators; and desire, in place,
To the author justice, to ourselves but grace.
Our scene is London, ’cause we would make known,
No country’s mirth is better than our own:
No clime breeds better matter for your whore,
Bawd, squire, impostor, many persons more,
Whose manners, now called humours, feed the stage; And which
have still been subject for the rage
Or spleen of comic writers. Though this pen
Did never aim to grieve, but better men;
Howe’er the age he lives in doth endure
The vices that she breeds, above their cure.
But when the wholesome remedies are sweet,
And in their working gain and profit meet,
He hopes to find no spirit so much diseased,
But will with such fair correctives be pleased:
For here he doth not fear who can apply.
If there be any that will sit so nigh
Unto the stream, to look what it doth run,
They shall find things, they’d think or wish were done;
They are so natural follies, but so shown,
As even the doers may see, and yet not own.
 ACT I

SCENE I

A room in LOVEWIT’S house.

FACE Believ’t, I will.
SUBTLE Thy worst. I fart at thee.

DOL COMMON Have you your wits? Why, gentlemen! For love—

FACE Sirrah, I’ll strip you—

SUBTLE What to do? Lick figs
Out at my—

FACE Rogue, rogue!—out of all your sleights.

DOL COMMON
Nay, look ye, sovereign, general, are you
madmen?
SUBTLE O, let the wild sheep loose. I’ll gum your silks
With good strong water, an you come.

DOL COMMON Will you have

The neighbours hear you? Will you betray all?
Hark! I hear somebody.

FACE Sirrah—
SUBTLE I shall mar
All that the tailor has made, if you approach.

FACE You most notorious whelp, you insolent slave, Dare you do
this?

SUBTLE
Yes, faith; yes, faith.

FACE
Why, who
Am I, my mongrel? Who am I?

I’ll tell you,

SUBTLE
Since you know not yourself.

Speak lower, rogue.

FACE
Yes, you were once (time’s not long past) the good, Honest,
SUBTLE plain, livery-three-pound-thrum, that kept Your master’s
worship’s house here in the Friars, For the vacations—

Will you be so loud?

FACE Since, by my means, translated Suburb-Captain.

SUBTLE By your means, Doctor Dog!

FACE Within man’s memory,

All this I speak of.
SUBTLE
Why, I pray you, have I
Been countenanced by you, or you by me?
FACE Do but collect, sir, where I met you first.

I do not hear well.

Not of this, I think it.

SUBTLE
But I shall put you in mind, sir;—at Pie-corner, Taking
FACE
your meal of steam in, from cooks’ stalls,
 Where, like the father of hunger, you did walk Piteously
costive, with your pinched-horn-nose, And your
complexion of the Roman wash,
Stuck full of black and melancholic worms, Like powder
corns shot at the artillery-yard.

SUBTLE I wish you could advance your voice a little.

FACE
When you went pinned up in the several rags
You had raked and picked from dunghills, before day; Your
feet in mouldy slippers, for your kibes;
A felt of rug, and a thin threaden cloak,
That scarce would cover your no buttocks—

SUBTLE
So, sir!

When all your alchemy, and your algebra,

FACE
Your minerals, vegetals, and animals,
Your conjuring, cozening, and your dozen of trades, Could
not relieve your corps with so much linen Would make you
tinder, but to see a fire;
I gave you countenance, credit for your coals, Your stills,
your glasses, your materials;
Built you a furnace, drew you customers, Advanced all
your black arts; lent you, beside, A house to practise in—

Your master’s house!

SUBTLE Where you have studied the more thriving skill Of bawdry
since.
FACE
Yes, in your master’s house.
You and the rats here kept possession.
SUBTLE Make it not strange. I know you were one could keep The
buttery-hatch still locked, and save the chippings, Sell the
dole beer to aqua-vitae men,
The which, together with your Christmas vails
 At post-and-pair, your letting out of counters, Made you a
pretty stock, some twenty marks, And gave you credit to
converse with cobwebs, Here, since your mistress' death
hath broke up house.

FACE You might talk softlier, rascal.

SUBTLE
No, you scarab, I'll thunder you in
pieces: I will teach you How to beware to tempt a Fury
again, That carries tempest in his hand and voice.

The place has made you valiant.

FACE
No, your clothes.— Thou vermin, have
I ta'en thee out of dung, So poor, so wretched, when no
SUBTLE
living thing Would keep thee company, but a spider, or
worse? Raised thee from brooms, and dust, and watering-
pots, Sublimed thee, and exalted thee, and fixed thee In the
third region, called our state of grace? Wrought thee to
spirit, to quintessence, with pains Would twice have won
me the philosopher's work? Put thee in words and fashion,
made thee fit For more than ordinary fellowships?
Given thee thy oaths, thy quarrelling dimensions, Thy rules
to cheat at horse-race, cock-pit, cards, Dice, or whatever
gallant tincture else?
Made thee a second in mine own great art? And have I this
for thanks! Do you rebel, Do you fly out in the projection?
Would you be gone now?

Gentlemen, what mean you?

Will you mar all?

Slave, thou hadst had no name—

DOL COMMON

SUBTLE
DOL COMMON Will you undo yourselves with civil war?

SUBTLE Never been known, past equi clibanum,

The heat of horse-dung, under ground, in cellars, Or an
alehouse darker than deaf John’s; been lost To all mankind,
but laundresses and tapsters, Had not I been.

Do you know who hears you, Sovereign?

DOL COMMON
Sirrah—
FACE
Nay, General, I thought you were civil.
DOL COMMON
I shall turn desperate, if you grow thus loud.
FACE And hang thyself, I care not.
SUBTLE Hang thee, collier,
And all thy pots, and pans, in picture, I will,
FACE
Since thou hast moved me—

O, this will o’erthrow all.

DOL COMMON Write thee up bawd in Paul’s, have all thy tricks Of
cozening with a hollow coal, dust, scrapings, Searching for
FACE things lost, with a sieve and sheers, Erecting figures in your
rows of houses, And taking in of shadows with a glass,
Told in red letters; and a face cut for thee, Worse than
Gamaliel Ratsey’s.

Are you sound?

Have you your senses, masters?

I will have
DOL COMMON
A book, but barely reckoning thy impostures, Shall prove a
true philosopher’s stone to printers.
FACE
 SUBTLE Away, you trencher-rascal!

FACE Out, you dog-leech!

The vomit of all prisons—

DOL COMMON Will you be

Your own destructions, gentlemen?

FACE Still spewed out

For lying too heavy on the basket.

SUBTLE
Cheater!

FACE
Bawd!

Cowherd!
SUBTLE

Conjurer!
FACE

Cutpurse!
SUBTLE
Witch!
FACE
O me!
DOL COMMON We are ruined, lost! Have you no more regard
To your reputations? Where's your judgment? 'Slight,
Have yet some care of me, of your republic—

Away, this brach! I'll bring thee, rogue, within

FACE The statute of sorcery, tricesimo tertio
Of Harry the Eighth: ay, and perhaps thy neck
Within a noose, for laundering gold and barbing it.

(Snatches FACE'S sword.)

DOL COMMON You'll bring your head within a cockscomb, will you? And
you, sir, with your menstrue—
(Dashes SUBTLE'S vial out of his hand.)
Gather it up.—
'Sdeath, you abominable pair of stinkards,
 Leave off your barking, and grow one again, Or, by the
light that shines, I’ll cut your throats. I’ll not be made a
prey unto the marshal, For ne’er a snarling dog-bolt of you
both. Have you together cozened all this while, And all the
world, and shall it now be said, You’ve made most
courteous shift to cozen yourselves? (To FACE.)
You will accuse him! You will “bring him in Within the
statute!” Who shall take your word? A whoreson, upstart,
apocryphal Captain, Whom not a Puritan in Blackfriars will
trust So much as for a feather:
(To SUBTLE.)
and you, too,
Will give the cause, forsooth! You will insult,
And claim a primacy in the divisions!
You must be chief! As if you only had
The powder to project with, and the work
Were not begun out of equality?
The venture tripartite? All things in common? Without
priority? ’Sdeath! You perpetual curs, Fall to your couples
again, and cozen kindly, And heartily, and lovingly, as you
should, And lose not the beginning of a term, Or, by this
hand, I shall grow factious too, And take my part, and quit
you.

FACE ’Tis his fault;

He ever murmurs, and objects his pains, And says, the
weight of all lies upon him.

DOL COMMON How does it? Do not we

SUBTLEWhy, so it does.
Sustain our parts?

SUBTLE Yes, but they are not equal.

DOL COMMON Why, if your part exceed today, I hope Ours may,
tomorrow match it.
SUBTLE Ay, they may.

DOL COMMON May, murmuring mastiff! Ay, and do. Death on me!
Help me to throttle him.

(Seizes SUBTLE by the throat.)

SUBTLE Dorothy! Mistress Dorothy!

’Ods precious, I’ll do anything. What do you mean?

DOL COMMON Because o’ your fermentation and cibation?

SUBTLE Not I, by heaven—

DOL COMMON Your Sol and Luna

(To FACE.)
—help me.

SUBTLE Would I were hanged then? I’ll conform myself.

DOL COMMON Will you, sir? Do so then, and quickly: swear.

SUBTLE What should I swear?

DOL COMMON To leave your faction, sir,

And labour kindly in the common work.

SUBTLE
Let me not breathe if I meant aught beside.
I only used those speeches as a spur To him.

DOL COMMON I hope we need no spurs, sir. Do we?

FACE ’Slid, prove today, who shall shark best.

 SUBTLE Agreed.

DOL COMMON Yes, and work close and friendly.

SUBTLE 'Slight, the knot

Shall grow the stronger for this breach, with me.

(They shake hands.)

Why, so, my good baboons! Shall we go make

DOL COMMON
A sort of sober, scurvy, precise neighbours,
That scarce have smiled twice since the king came in, A
feast of laughter at our follies? Rascals,
Would run themselves from breath, to see me ride, Or
you t' have but a hole to thrust your heads in, For which
you should pay ear-rent? No, agree.
And may Don Provost ride a feasting long,
In his old velvet jerkin and stained scarfs,
My noble Sovereign, and worthy General,
Ere we contribute a new crewel garter
To his most worsted worship.

SUBTLE Royal Dol!

Spoken like Claridiana, and thyself.

FACE For which at supper, thou shalt sit in triumph,

And not be styled Dol Common, but Dol Proper,
Dol Singular: the longest cut at night,
Shall draw thee for his Dol Particular.

(Bell rings without.)

SUBTLE Who's that? One rings. To the window, Dol:

(Exit DOL.)

—pray heaven,
The master do not trouble us this quarter.
 FACE O, fear not him. While there dies one a week
O' the plague, he's safe, from thinking toward London.
Beside, he's busy at his hop-yards now;
I had a letter from him. If he do,
He'll send such word, for airing of the house,
As you shall have sufficient time to quit it:
Though we break up a fortnight, 'tis no matter.

(Re-enter DOL.)

SUBTLE
Who is it, Dol?

A fine young quodling.

DOL COMMON

O,
FACE
My lawyer's clerk, I lighted on last night,
In Holborn, at the Dagger. He would have
(I told you of him) a familiar,
To rifle with at horses, and win cups.

O, let him in.

DOL COMMON

Stay. Who shall do't?

SUBTLE
Get you
FACE Your robes on: I will meet him as going out.

And what shall I do?

DOL COMMON
Not be seen; away!
FACE
(Exit DOL.)

Seem you very reserved.

Enough.
SUBTLE
(Exit.)
 FACE (Aloud and retiring.)
God be wi' you, sir,
I pray you let him know that I was here:
His name is Dapper. I would gladly have stayed, but—

DAPPER (Within.) Captain, I am here.

FACE
Who's that?—He's come, I think, Doctor.

(Enter DAPPER.)

Good faith, sir, I was going away.

In truth
DAPPER
I am very sorry, Captain.

But I thought
FACE Sure I should meet you.

Ay, I am very glad.

DAPPER I had a scurvy writ or two to make,
And I had lent my watch last night to one
That dines today at the sheriff's, and so was robbed Of
my past-time.

(Re-enter SUBTLE in his velvet cap and gown.)

Is this the cunning-man?

This is his worship.

FACE
Is he a Doctor?
DAPPER
Yes.
FACE
And have you broke with him, Captain?
DAPPER Ay.
FACE
DAPPER And how?

FACE Faith, he does make the matter, sir, so dainty

I know not what to say.

DAPPER
Not so, good Captain.

FACE
Would I were fairly rid of it, believe me.

Nay, now you grieve me, sir. Why should you wish so? I
DAPPER
dare assure you, I’ll not be ungrateful.

I cannot think you will, sir. But the law

FACE
Is such a thing—and then he says, Read’s matter Falling
so lately.

Read! He was an ass,

DAPPER
And dealt, sir, with a fool.

It was a clerk, sir.

FACE
A clerk!
DAPPER
Nay, hear me, sir. You know the law
FACE Better, I think—

I should, sir, and the danger:

DAPPER You know, I showed the statute to you.

You did so.

FACE
And will I tell then! By this hand of flesh,
DAPPER Would it might never write good court-hand more,
If I discover. What do you think of me,
That I am a chiaus?

What’s that?
FACE
The Turk was here.

DAPPER
 As one would say, do you think I am a Turk?

I’ll tell the Doctor so.

Do, good sweet Captain.

FACE

Come, noble Doctor, pray thee let’s prevail;

DAPPER
This is the gentleman, and he is no chiaus.
FACE Captain, I have returned you all my answer.
I would do much, sir, for your love—But this
I neither may, nor can.
SUBTLE

Tut, do not say so.

You deal now with a noble fellow, Doctor,
One that will thank you richly; and he is no chiaus: Let
FACE
that, sir, move you.

Pray you, forbear—

He has
SUBTLE Four angels here.

FACE You do me wrong, good sir.

Doctor, wherein? To tempt you with these spirits?

SUBTLE
To tempt my art and love, sir, to my peril.
FACE
Fore heaven, I scarce can think you are my friend, That
so would draw me to apparent danger.
SUBTLE
I draw you! A horse draw you, and a halter,
You, and your flies together—

Nay, good Captain.

FACE

That know no difference of men.

DAPPER

FACE

SUBTLE Good words, sir.

 FACE Good deeds, sir, Doctor Dogs-meat. 'Slight, I bring you
No cheating Clim o' the Cloughs or Claribels, That look
as big as five-and-fifty, and flush;
And spit out secrets like hot custard—

DAPPER Captain!

FACE Nor any melancholic under-scribe,

Shall tell the vicar; but a special gentle, That is the heir
to forty marks a year, Consorts with the small poets of
the time, Is the sole hope of his old grandmother;
That knows the law, and writes you six fair hands, Is a
fine clerk, and has his ciphering perfect.
Will take his oath o' the Greek Testament, If need be, in
his pocket; and can court His mistress out of Ovid.

DAPPER Nay, dear Captain—

FACE Did you not tell me so?

DAPPER Yes; but I'd have you

Use master Doctor with some more respect.

FACE Hang him, proud stag, with his broad velvet head!— But
for your sake, I'd choke, ere I would change An article
of breath with such a puckfist:
Come, let's be gone.

(Going.)

SUBTLE Pray you let me speak with you.

DAPPER His worship calls you, Captain.

FACE I am sorry
I e'er embarked myself in such a business.
 Nay, good sir; he did call you.
DAPPER
Will he take then?
FACE
First, hear me—
SUBTLE
Not a syllable, 'less you take.
FACE
Pray you, sir—
SUBTLE
Upon no terms but an assumpsit.
FACE
Your humour must be law.
SUBTLE (He takes the four angels.)

Why now, sir, talk.

FACE Now I dare hear you with mine honour. Speak. So may
this gentleman too.

Why, sir—
SUBTLE
(Offering to whisper FACE.)

No whispering.
FACE
Fore heaven, you do not apprehend the loss You do
yourself in this.
SUBTLE

Wherein? For what?

FACE Marry, to be so importunate for one,
That, when he has it, will undo you all:
SUBTLE
He’ll win up all the money in the town.

How!

FACE Yes, and blow up gamester after gamester, As they do

crackers in a puppet-play.
SUBTLE If I do give him a familiar,
 Give you him all you play for; never set him: For he will
have it.

FACE You are mistaken, Doctor.

Why he does ask one but for cups and horses, A rifling
fly; none of your great familiars.

DAPPER
Yes, Captain, I would have it for all games.

I told you so.

SUBTLE

(Taking DAPPER aside.)

FACE
'Slight, that is a new business!
I understood you, a tame bird, to fly
Twice in a term, or so, on Friday nights, When you had
left the office, for a nag Of forty or fifty shillings.

Ay, 'tis true, sir;

But I do think now I shall leave the law,
DAPPER And therefore—

Why, this changes quite the case. Do you

think that I dare move him?
FACE
If you please, sir;
All's one to him, I see.
DAPPER
What! For that money?
I cannot with my conscience; nor should you Make the
FACE request, methinks.

No, sir, I mean

To add consideration.
DAPPER
Why then, sir,
I'll try.—
FACE (Goes to SUBTLE.)
 Say that it were for all games, Doctor.

SUBTLE I say then, not a mouth shall eat for him

At any ordinary, but on the score, That is a gaming
mouth, conceive me.

FACE
Indeed!

He’ll draw you all the treasure of the realm, If it be set

SUBTLE
him.

Speak you this from art?

FACE

Ay, sir, and reason too, the ground of art.

SUBTLE
He is of the only best complexion,
The Queen of Fairy loves.

What! Is he?
FACE
Peace.
SUBTLE He’ll overhear you. Sir, should she but see him—

What?
FACE
Do not you tell him.
SUBTLE
Will he win at cards too?
FACE
The spirits of dead Holland, living Isaac, You’d swear,
SUBTLE were in him; such a vigorous luck As cannot be resisted.
’Slight, he’ll put Six of your gallants to a cloak, indeed.

A strange success, that some man shall be born to.

He hears you, man—

FACE

Sir, I’ll not be ingrateful.

SUBTLE

DAPPER
 FACE Faith, I have confidence in his good nature:
You hear, he says he will not be ingrateful.

SUBTLE Why, as you please; my venture follows yours.

FACE Troth, do it, Doctor; think him trusty, and make him. He
may make us both happy in an hour;
Win some five thousand pound, and send us two on’t.

DAPPER
Believe it, and I will, sir.

And you shall, sir.

FACE
(Takes him aside.)
You have heard all?

No, what was’t? Nothing, I, sir.

DAPPER

Nothing!
FACE
A little, sir.
DAPPER
Well, a rare star
FACE Reigned at your birth.

At mine, sir! No.

DAPPER
The Doctor
FACE Swears that you are—

Nay, Captain, you’ll tell all now.

SUBTLE
Allied to the Queen of Fairy.
FACE
Who! That I am?
DAPPER Believe it, no such matter—

Yes, and that

FACE
You were born with a cawl on your head.
DAPPER Who says so?

FACE Come, You know it well

enough, though you dissemble it.

DAPPER I’fac, I do not; you are mistaken.

FACE
How!
Swear by your fac, and in a thing so known Unto the
Doctor? How shall we, sir, trust you In the other matter?
Can we ever think, When you have won five or six
thousand pound, You’ll send us shares in’t, by this rate?

By Jove, sir,
I’ll win ten thousand pound, and send you half. I’fac’s
DAPPER
no oath.

No, no, he did but jest.

SUBTLE Go to. Go thank the Doctor: he’s your friend, To take it
so.
FACE
I thank his worship.

DAPPER So!
Another angel.
FACE
Must I?

DAPPER Must you! ’Slight,

What else is thanks? Will you be trivial?—Doctor,
FACE (DAPPER gives him the money.)
When must he come for his familiar?

Shall I not have it with me?

DAPPER
O, good sir!
There must a world of ceremonies pass;
SUBTLE
 You must be bathed and fumigated first: Besides the
Queen of Fairy does not rise Till it be noon.

Not, if she danced, tonight.

FACE
And she must bless it.
SUBTLE
Did you never see
FACE
Her royal Grace yet?

Whom?
DAPPER
Your aunt of Fairy?
FACE Not since she kissed him in the cradle, Captain; I can
resolve you that.
SUBTLE
Well, see her Grace,
Whate'er it cost you, for a thing that I know. It will be
FACE
somewhat hard to compass; but However, see her. You
are made, believe it, If you can see her. Her Grace is a
lone woman, And very rich; and if she take a fancy,
She will do strange things. See her, at any hand. 'Slid,
she may hap to leave you all she has: It is the Doctor's
fear.

How will't be done, then?

Let me alone, take you no thought. Do you But say to

DAPPER
me, Captain, I'll see her Grace.

FACE
“Captain, I'll see her Grace.”

Enough.
DAPPER
(Knocking within.)
FACE
 SUBTLE Who’s there?
Anon.
(Aside to FACE.)
—Conduct him forth by the back way.—
Sir, against one o’clock prepare yourself;
Till when you must be fasting; only take Three drops of
vinegar in at your nose, Two at your mouth, and one at
either ear;
Then bathe your fingers’ ends and wash your eyes, To
sharpen your five senses, and cry “hum”
Thrice, and then “buz” as often; and then come.

(Exit.)

FACE Can you remember this?

DAPPER I warrant you.

FACE Well then, away. It is but your bestowing

Some twenty nobles ’mong her Grace’s servants, And
put on a clean shirt: you do not know
What grace her Grace may do you in clean linen.

(Exeunt FACE and DAPPER.)

SUBTLE (Within.) Come in! Good wives, I pray you forbear me

now;
Troth I can do you no good till afternoon—

(Re-enters, followed by DRUGGER.)

What is your name, say you? Abel Drugger?

DRUGGER Yes, sir.

SUBTLE A seller of tobacco?

DRUGGER Yes, sir.

 SUBTLE Umph!
Free of the grocers?

DRUGGER Ay, and’t please you.

SUBTLE Well—
Your business, Abel?

DRUGGER
This, and’t please your worship;
I am a young beginner, and am building Of a new shop,
and’t like your worship, just At corner of a street:—Here
is the plot on’t— And I would know by art, sir, of your
worship, Which way I should make my door, by
necromancy, And where my shelves; and which should
be for boxes, And which for pots. I would be glad to
thrive, sir: And I was wished to your worship by a
gentleman, One Captain Face, that says you know men’s
planets, And their good angels, and their bad.

SUBTLE I do,
If I do see them—

(Re-enter FACE.)

FACE What! My honest Abel?

Though art well met here.

DRUGGER
Troth, sir, I was speaking,
Just as your worship came here, of your worship:
I pray you speak for me to Master Doctor.

FACE
He shall do anything.—Doctor, do you hear?
This is my friend, Abel, an honest fellow;
He lets me have good tobacco, and he does not
Sophisticate it with sack-lees or oil,
Nor washes it in muscadel and grains, Nor buries it in
gravel, under ground,
 Wrapped up in greasy leather, or pissed clouts: But
keeps it in fine lily pots, that, opened, Smell like
conserve of roses, or French beans.
He has his maple block, his silver tongs, Winchester
pipes, and fire of Juniper:
A neat, spruce, honest fellow, and no goldsmith.

SUBTLE He is a fortunate fellow, that I am sure on.

FACE
Already, sir, have you found it? Lo thee, Abel!

SUBTLE
And in right way toward riches—

Sir!
FACE

SUBTLE
This summer
He will be of the clothing of his company,
And next spring called to the scarlet; spend what he can.

What, and so little beard?

FACE

Sir, you must think,

SUBTLE
He may have a receipt to make hair come:
But he’ll be wise, preserve his youth, and fine for’t;
His fortune looks for him another way.

’Slid, Doctor, how canst thou know this so soon? I am

FACE
amused at that!

By a rule, Captain,
SUBTLE
In metoposcopy, which I do work by;
A certain star in the forehead, which you see not.
Your chestnut or your olive-coloured face Does never
fail: and your long ear doth promise.
I knew’t by certain spots, too, in his teeth, And on the
nail of his mercurial finger.

Which finger’s that?

FACE
 SUBTLE His little finger. Look.
You were born upon a Wednesday?

DRUGGER Yes, indeed, sir.

SUBTLE The thumb, in chiromancy, we give Venus;

The forefinger, to Jove; the midst, to Saturn;
The ring, to Sol; the least, to Mercury,
Who was the lord, sir, of his horoscope,
His house of life being Libra; which foreshowed, He
should be a merchant, and should trade with balance.

FACE Why, this is strange! Is it not, honest Nab?

SUBTLE There is a ship now, coming from Ormus,

That shall yield him such a commodity
Of drugs
(Pointing to the plan.)
—This is the west, and this the south?

DRUGGER Yes, sir.

SUBTLE And those are your two sides?

DRUGGER Ay, sir.

SUBTLE Make me your door, then, south; your broad side, west:
And on the east side of your shop, aloft,
Write Mathlai, Tarmiel, and Baraborat;
Upon the north part, Rael, Velel, Thiel.
They are the names of those mercurial spirits,
That do fright flies from boxes.

DRUGGER Yes, sir.

SUBTLE And
Beneath your threshold, bury me a loadstone To draw in
gallants that wear spurs: the rest,
 They’ll seem to follow.

FACE That’s a secret, Nab!

SUBTLE
And, on your stall, a puppet, with a vice
And a court-fucus to call city-dames:
You shall deal much with minerals.

Sir, I have.
DRUGGER
At home, already—

Ay, I know you have arsenic,

SUBTLE
Vitriol, sal-tartar, argaile, alkali,
Cinoper: I know all.—This fellow, Captain,
Will come, in time, to be a great distiller,
And give a say—I will not say directly,
But very fair—at the philosopher’s stone.

Why, how now, Abel! Is this true?

FACE
(Aside to FACE.)
DRUGGER Good Captain,
What must I give?

Nay, I’ll not counsel thee.

FACE Thou hear’st what wealth (he says, spend what thou canst,)
Thou’rt like to come to.

I would gi’ him a crown.

DRUGGER
A crown! And toward such a fortune? Heart,
FACE Thou shalt rather gi’ him thy shop. No gold about thee?

Yes, I have a portague, I have kept this half-year.

DRUGGER
Out on thee, Nab! ’Slight, there was such an offer— Shalt
FACE keep’t no longer, I’ll give’t him for thee. Doctor, Nab prays
your worship to drink this, and swears
 He will appear more grateful, as your skill Does raise him in the
world.

DRUGGER I would entreat

Another favour of his worship.

FACE
What is't, Nab?

But to look over, sir, my almanac,

DRUGGER
And cross out my ill-days, that I may neither Bargain, nor trust
upon them.

That he shall, Nab:

FACE
Leave it, it shall be done, 'gainst afternoon.

And a direction for his shelves.

SUBTLE
Now, Nab,
FACE Art thou well pleased, Nab?

'Thank, sir, both your worships.

DRUGGER
Away.
FACE
(Exit DRUGGER.)

Why, now, you smoaky persecutor of nature!

Now do you see, that something's to be done, Beside your
beech-coal, and your corsive waters, Your crosslets, crucibles,
and cucurbites?
You must have stuff brought home to you, to work on: And yet
you think, I am at no expense
In searching out these veins, then following them, Then trying
them out. 'Fore God, my intelligence Costs me more money,
than my share oft comes to, In these rare works.

SUBTLE You are pleasant,

sir.
 (Re-enter DOL.)
—How now!
What says my dainty Dolkin?
DOL COMMON Yonder fishwife
Will not away. And there's your giantess, The
bawd of Lambeth.
SUBTLE Heart, I cannot speak with them.

DOL COMMON Not afore night, I have told them in a voice,

Thorough the trunk, like one of your familiars.
But I have spied sir Epicure Mammon—

SUBTLE Where?

DOL COMMON Coming along, at far end of the lane, Slow of

his feet, but earnest of his tongue To one that's
with him.

SUBTLE Face, go you and shift.

(Exit FACE.)

Dol, you must presently make ready, too.

DOL COMMON Why, what's the matter?

SUBTLE O, I did look for him With the

sun's rising: 'marvel he could sleep, This is the
day I am to perfect for him The magisterium,
our great work, the stone; And yield it, made,
into his hands: of which He has, this month,
talked as he were possessed. And now he's
dealing pieces on't away.— Methinks I see him
entering ordinaries, Dispensing for the pox, and
plaguey houses,
Reaching his dose, walking Moorfields for lepers,
And offering citizens' wives pomander-bracelets,
As his preservative, made of the elixir;
Searching the spittal, to make old bawds young;
And the highways, for beggars, to make rich.
I see no end of his labours. He will make Nature
ashamed of her long sleep: when art, Who's but a
step-dame, shall do more than she, In her best
love to mankind, ever could: If his dream lasts,
he'll turn the age to gold.

(Exeunt.)
 ACT II

SCENE I

An outer room in LOVEWIT’S house.

(Enter SIR EPICURE MAMMON and SURLY.)

SIR EPICURE Come on, sir. Now, you set your foot on shore
MAMMON In Novo Orbe; here’s the rich Peru:
And there within, sir, are the golden mines, Great
Solomon’s Ophir! He was sailing to’t, Three years,
but we have reached it in ten months. This is the day,
wherein, to all my friends, I will pronounce the happy
word, Be Rich;
This day you shall be spectatissimi.
You shall no more deal with the hollow dye, Or the
frail card. No more be at charge of keeping The
livery-punk for the young heir, that must Seal, at all
hours, in his shirt: no more, If he deny, have him
beaten to’t, as he is That brings him the commodity.
No more Shall thirst of satin, or the covetous hunger
Of velvet entrails for a rude-spun cloak, To be
displayed at Madam Augusta’s, make The sons of
Sword and Hazard fall before The golden calf, and on
their knees, whole nights Commit idolatry with wine
and trumpets:
 Or go a feasting after drum and ensign.
No more of this. You shall start up young viceroys,
And have your punks, and punketees, my Surly. And
unto thee I speak it first, Be Rich.
Where is my Subtle, there? Within, ho!

FACE (Within.)
Sir,
He’ll come to you by and by.

SIR EPICURE
MAMMON
That is his firedrake,
His Lungs, his Zephyrus, he that puffs his coals, Till
he firk nature up, in her own centre.
You are not faithful, sir. This night, I’ll change
All that is metal, in my house, to gold:
And, early in the morning, will I send
To all the plumbers and the pewterers, And by their
tin and lead up; and to Lothbury For all the copper.

PERTINAX What, and turn that too?

SURLY

SIR EPICURE Yes, and I’ll purchase Devonshire and Cornwall, And
MAMMON make them perfect Indies! You admire now?

PERTINAX No, faith.

SURLY

SIR EPICURE But when you see th’ effects of the Great Medicine,
MAMMON Of which one part projected on a hundred Of
Mercury, or Venus, or the moon, Shall turn it to as
many of the sun;
Nay, to a thousand, so ad infinitum: You will believe
me.

PERTINAX Yes, when I see’t, I will.

SURLY But if my eyes do cozen me so, and I
 Giving them no occasion, sure I’ll have A whore,
shall piss them out next day.

SIR EPICURE
MAMMON
Ha! Why? Do you think I
fable with you? I assure you, He that has once the
flower of the sun, The perfect ruby, which we call
elixir, Not only can do that, but, by its virtue, Can
confer honour, love, respect, long life; Give safety,
valour, yea, and victory, To whom he will. In eight
and twenty days, I’ll make an old man of fourscore,
a child.

PERTINAX No doubt; he’s that already.

SURLY

SIR EPICURE
MAMMON
Nay, I mean, Restore his years,
renew him, like an eagle, To the fifth age; make
him get sons and daughters, Young giants; as our
philosophers have done, The ancient patriarchs,
afore the flood, But taking, once a week, on a
knife’s point, The quantity of a grain of mustard of
it; Become stout Marses, and beget young Cupids.

PERTINAX The decayed Vestals of Pict-hatch would thank

SURLY you, That keep the fire alive, there.

SIR EPICURE
MAMMON ’Tis the secret Of nature
naturised ’gainst all infections, Cures all diseases
coming of all causes; A month’s grief in a day, a
year’s in twelve; And, of what age soever, in a
month: Past all the doses of your drugging doctors.
I’ll undertake, withal, to fright the plague Out of
the kingdom in three months.

PERTINAX And I’ll

 SURLY Be bound, the players shall sing your praises, then,
Without their poets.

SIR EPICURE Sir, I’ll do’t. Meantime,

MAMMON I’ll give away so much unto my man, Shall serve
the whole city, with preservative Weekly; each
house his dose, and at the rate—

PERTINAX As he that built the waterwork, does with water?

SURLY

SIR EPICURE You are incredulous.

MAMMON

PERTINAX Faith I have a humour,

SURLY I would not willingly be gulled. Your stone
Cannot transmute me.

SIR EPICURE Pertinax, [my] Surly,

MAMMON Will you believe antiquity? Records?
I’ll show you a book where Moses and his sister,
And Solomon have written of the art;
Ay, and a treatise penned by Adam—

PERTINAX How!
SURLY

SIR EPICURE Of the philosopher’s stone, and in High Dutch.

MAMMON

PERTINAX Did Adam write, sir, in High Dutch?

SURLY

SIR EPICURE He did;

MAMMON Which proves it was the primitive tongue.

PERTINAX
SURLY What paper?
SIR EPICURE On cedar board.
MAMMON

PERTINAX O that, indeed, they say,

SURLY Will last 'gainst worms.

SIR EPICURE 'Tis like your Irish wood,

MAMMON 'Gainst cobwebs. I have a piece of Jason's fleece, too,
Which was no other than a book of alchemy, Writ in
large sheepskin, a good fat ram-vellum.
Such was Pythagoras' thigh, Pandora's tub,
And, all that fable of Medea's charms,
The manner of our work; the bulls, our furnace, Still
breathing fire; our argent-vive, the dragon: The
dragon's teeth, mercury sublimate,
That keeps the whiteness, hardness, and the biting;
And they are gathered into Jason's helm,
The alembic, and then sowed in Mars his field, And
thence sublimed so often, till they're fixed. Both this,
the Hesperian garden, Cadmus' story, Jove's shower,
the boon of Midas, Argus' eyes, Boccace his
Demogorgon, thousands more, All abstract riddles of
our stone.

(Enter FACE, as a servant.)

—How now!
Do we succeed? Is our day come? And holds it?

FACE The evening will set red upon you, sir;

You have colour for it, crimson: the red ferment Has
done his office; three hours hence prepare you To see
projection.

SIR EPICURE Pertinax, my Surly.

MAMMON Again I say to thee, aloud, Be rich.
This day, thou shalt have ingots; and tomorrow, Give
lords th' affront.—Is it, my Zephyrus, right?
 Blushes the bolt's head?

FACE Like a wench with child, sir,

That were but now discovered to her master.

SIR EPICURE
Excellent witty Lungs!—my only care Where to get
MAMMON stuff enough now, to project on;
This town will not half serve me.

FACE
No, sir! Buy
The covering off o' churches.

SIR EPICURE
That's true.
MAMMON

Yes.
FACE
Let them stand bare, as do their auditory;
Or cap them, new, with shingles.

No, good thatch:

SIR EPICURE
Thatch will lie light upon the rafters, Lungs.— Lungs,
MAMMON
I will manumit thee from the furnace;
I will restore thee thy complexion, Puffe, Lost in the
embers; and repair this brain, Hurt with the fume o' the
metals.

I have blown, sir,

FACE
Hard for your worship; thrown by many a coal, When
'twas not beech; weighed those I put in, just, To keep
your heat still even; these bleared eyes Have waked to
read your several colours, sir, Of the pale citron, the
green lion, the crow, The peacock's tail, the plumed
swan.

And, lastly,
SIR EPICURE Thou hast descryed the flower, the sanguis agni?
MAMMON
Yes, sir.
FACE
SIR EPICURE
MAMMON Where’s master?

FACE At his prayers, sir, he;

Good man, he’s doing his devotions For
the success.

SIR EPICURE Lungs, I will set a period

MAMMON To all thy labours; thou shalt be the master
Of my seraglio.

FACE Good, sir.

SIR EPICURE But do you hear?

MAMMON I’ll geld you, Lungs.

FACE Yes, sir.

SIR EPICURE For I do mean

MAMMON To have a list of wives and concubines,
Equal with Solomon, who had the stone
Alike with me; and I will make me a back
With the elixir, that shall be as tough As
Hercules, to encounter fifty a night.—
Thou’rt sure thou saw’st
Bothitblood
blood?and spirit, sir.
I will have all my beds blown up,
SIR EPICURE not stuffed; Down is too hard: and then, mine
MAMMON oval room Filled with such pictures as Tiberius
took From Elephantis, and dull Aretine But
coldly imitated. Then, my glasses Cut in more subtle angles,
to disperse And multiply the figures, as I walk Naked between
my succubae. My mists I’ll have of perfume, vapoured 'bout
the room, To lose ourselves in; and my baths, like pits

FACE
 To fall into; from whence we will come forth, And
roll us dry in gossamer and roses.— Is it arrived at
ruby?—Where I spy A wealthy citizen, or [a] rich
lawyer, Have a sublimed pure wife, unto that fellow
I’ll send a thousand pound to be my cuckold.

FACE And I shall carry it?

SIR EPICURE No. I’ll have no bawds, But fathers

MAMMON and mothers: they will do it best, Best of all others.
And my flatterers Shall be the pure and gravest of
divines, That I can get for money. My mere fools, Eloquent
burgesses, and then my poets The same that writ so subtly of
the fart, Whom I will entertain still for that subject. The few
that would give out themselves to be Court and town-stallions,
and, each-where, bely Ladies who are known most innocent
for them; Those will I beg, to make me eunuchs of: And they
shall fan me with ten ostrich tails Apiece, made in a plume to
gather wind.
We will be brave, Puffe, now we have the medicine.
My meat shall all come in, in Indian shells, Dishes of
agate set in gold, and studded With emeralds,
sapphires, hyacinths, and rubies. The tongues of
carps, dormice, and camels’ heels, Boiled in the spirit
of Sol, and dissolved pearl, Apicius’ diet, ’gainst the
epilepsy:
And I will eat these broths with spoons of amber,
Headed with diamond and carbuncle.
My footboy shall eat pheasants, calvered salmons,
Knots, godwits, lampreys: I myself will have The
beards of barbels served, instead of salads; Oiled
mushrooms; and the swelling unctuous paps Of a fat
pregnant sow, newly cut off,
 Dressed with an exquisite, and poignant sauce;
For which, I’ll say unto my cook, “There's gold,
Go forth, and be a knight.”

FACE Sir, I’ll go look A little,

how it heightens.

(Exit.)

SIR EPICURE Do.—My shirts

MAMMON I’ll have of taffeta-sarsnet, soft and light As
cobwebs; and for all my other raiment, It shall
be such as might provoke the Persian, Were he
to teach the world riot anew.
My gloves of fishes’ and birds’ skins, perfumed
With gums of paradise, and eastern air—

PERTINAX And do you think to have the stone with this?

SURLY

SIR EPICURE No, I do think t’ have all this with the stone.
MAMMON

PERTINAX Why, I have heard he must be homo frugi, A

SURLY pious, holy, and religious man,
One free from mortal sin, a very virgin.

SIR EPICURE
That makes it, sir; he is so: but I buy it; My
MAMMON venture brings it me. He, honest wretch, A
notable, superstitious, good soul,
Has worn his knees bare, and his slippers bald,
With prayer and fasting for it: and, sir, let him
Do it alone, for me, still. Here he comes.
Not a profane word afore him: ’tis poison.—

(Enter SUBTLE.)

Good morrow, Father.

 SUBTLE Gentle son, good morrow, And to
your friend there. What is he, is with you?

SIR EPICURE An heretic, that I did bring along,

MAMMON In hope, sir, to convert him.

SUBTLE Son, I doubt

You are covetous, that thus you meet your time In the
just point: prevent your day at morning. This argues
something, worthy of a fear Of importune and carnal
appetite.
Take heed you do not cause the blessing leave you,
With your ungoverned haste. I should be sorry To see
my labours, now even at perfection, Got by long
watching and large patience,
Not prosper where my love and zeal hath placed them.
Which (heaven I call to witness, with yourself, To
whom I have poured my thoughts) in all my ends,
Have looked no way, but unto public good, To pious
uses, and dear charity
Now grown a prodigy with men. Wherein If you, my
son, should now prevaricate, And, to your own
particular lusts employ So great and catholic a bliss,
be sure A curse will follow, yea, and overtake Your
subtle and most secret ways.

SIR EPICURE I know, sir;

MAMMON You shall not need to fear me; I but come, To have
you confute this gentleman.

PERTINAX Who is,

SURLY Indeed, sir, somewhat costive of belief Toward your
stone; would not be gulled.

SUBTLE Well, son,

All that I can convince him in, is this,
The work is done, bright Sol is in his robe.
 We have a medicine of the triple soul, The glorified
spirit. Thanks be to heaven, And make us worthy of it!
—Ulen Spiegel!

FACE (Within.) Anon, sir.

SUBTLE
Look well to the register. And
let your heat still lessen by degrees, To
the aludels.

FACE
(Within.) Yes, sir.

Did you look On the bolt's head

SUBTLE
yet?

(Within.) Which? On D, sir?

FACE
Ay; What's the complexion?
SUBTLE
(Within.) Whitish.

FACE Infuse vinegar, To draw his

volatile substance and his tincture: And let the water in
SUBTLE glass E be filtered, And put into the gripe's egg. Lute
him well; And leave him closed in balneo.

(Within.) I will, sir.

What a brave language here is! Next to canting.

FACE

I have another work, you never saw, son, That three

PERTINAX
SURLY
days since past the philosopher's wheel, In the lent
heat of Athanor; and's become Sulphur of Nature.
SUBTLE

SIR EPICURE But 'tis for me?

 MAMMON
SUBTLE What need you?
You have enough in that is perfect.

SIR EPICURE O but—

MAMMON

SUBTLE Why, this is covetise!

SIR EPICURE No, I assure you,

MAMMON I shall employ it all in pious uses, Founding
of colleges and grammar schools, Marrying
young virgins, building hospitals, And now
and then a church.

(Re-enter FACE.)

SUBTLE How now!

FACE Sir, please you,

Shall I not change the filter?

SUBTLE Marry, yes;

And bring me the complexion of glass B.

(Exit FACE.)

SIR EPICURE Have you another?

MAMMON

SUBTLE Yes, son; were I assured—

Your piety were firm, we would not want The
means to glorify it: but I hope the best.— I
mean to tinct C in sand-heat tomorrow, And
give him imbibition.

SIR EPICURE Of white oil?

MAMMON
 No, sir, of red. F is come over the helm too,
SUBTLE I thank my Maker, in St. Mary’s bath,
And shows lac virginis. Blessed be heaven!
I sent you of his faeces there calcined:
Out of that calx, I have won the salt of mercury.

By pouring on your rectified water?

SIR EPICURE
MAMMON
Yes, and reverberating in Athanor.
SUBTLE
(Re-enter FACE.)

How now! What colour says it?

The ground black, sir.

FACE
That’s your crow’s head?
SIR EPICURE
MAMMON
Your cockscomb’s, is it not?
PERTINAX
SURLY
No, ’tis not perfect. Would it were the crow!
That work wants something.
SUBTLE

(Aside.) O, I looked for this.

The hay’s a pitching.
PERTINAX
SURLY Are you sure you loosed them
In their own menstrue?
SUBTLE
Yes, sir, and then married them,
And put them in a bolt’s head nipped to digestion,
FACE
According as you bade me, when I set
The liquor of Mars to circulation
In the same heat.
 SUBTLE The process then was right.

FACE Yes, by the token, sir, the retort brake, And what was
saved was put into the pelican, And signed with Hermes'
seal.

SUBTLE
I think 'twas so. We should have a new
amalgama.

PERTINAX
(Aside.) O, this ferret Is rank as any
SURLY
polecat.

But I care not:

SUBTLE
Let him e'en die; we have enough beside, In embrion. H
has his white shirt on?

Yes, sir, He's ripe for inceration,

FACE
he stands warm, In his ash-fire. I would not you should let
Any die now, if I might counsel, sir, For luck's sake to the
rest: it is not good.

He says right.
SIR EPICURE
MAMMON (Aside.) Ay, are you bolted?
PERTINAX
SURLY Nay, I know't, sir,
I have seen the ill fortune. What is some three ounces Of
FACE fresh materials?

Is't no more?

SIR EPICURE
MAMMON No more, sir.
Of gold, t'amalgam with some six of mercury.
FACE
SIR EPICURE Away, here's money. What will serve?
MAMMON

FACE Ask him, sir.

SIR EPICURE How much?

MAMMON

SUBTLE Give him nine pound:—you may give him ten.

PERTINAX
Yes, twenty, and be cozened, do.
SURLY

SIR EPICURE
There 'tis.
MAMMON
(Gives FACE the money.)

SUBTLE
This needs not; but that you will have it so,
To see conclusions of all: for two
Of our inferior works are at fixation,
A third is in ascension. Go your ways.
Have you set the oil of luna in kemia?

Yes, sir.
FACE

And the philosopher's vinegar?

SUBTLE

Ay.
FACE
(Exit.)

We shall have a salad!

PERTINAX
SURLY
When do you make projection?
SIR EPICURE
MAMMON
Son, be not hasty, I exalt our medicine, By hanging him
SUBTLE in balneo vaporoso, And giving him solution; then
congeal him;
 And then dissolve him; then again congeal him; For
look, how oft I iterate the work,
So many times I add unto his virtue. As, if at first
one ounce convert a hundred, After his second loose,
he’ll turn a thousand; His third solution, ten; his
fourth, a hundred: After his fifth, a thousand
thousand ounces Of any imperfect metal, into pure
Silver or gold, in all examinations, As good as any of
the natural mine.
Get you your stuff here against afternoon, Your
brass, your pewter, and your andirons.

Not those of iron?

SIR EPICURE
MAMMON
Yes, you may bring them too: We’ll
SUBTLE
change all metals.

I believe you in that.

PERTINAX
SURLY
Then I may send my spits?
SIR EPICURE
MAMMON
Yes, and your racks.
SUBTLE
And dripping-pans, and pot-hangers, and hooks?
Shall he not?
PERTINAX
SURLY If he please.
SUBTLE —To be an ass.
PERTINAX
SURLY How, sir!
SUBTLE This gentleman you must bear withal:

SIR EPICURE
 MAMMON I told you he had no faith.

PERTINAX And little hope, sir;

SURLY But much less charity, should I gull myself.

SUBTLE Why, what have you observed, sir, in our art,

Seems so impossible?

PERTINAX But your whole work, no more.

SURLY That you should hatch gold in a furnace, sir,
As they do eggs in Egypt!

SUBTLE Sir, do you

Believe that eggs are hatched so?

PERTINAX If I should?
SURLY

SUBTLE Why, I think that the greater miracle. No egg

but differs from a chicken more Than metals
in themselves.

PERTINAX That cannot be.

SURLY The egg's ordained by nature to that end, And
is a chicken in potentia.

SUBTLE The same we say of lead and other metals,

Which would be gold, if they had time.

SIR EPICURE And that Our art

MAMMON doth further.

SUBTLE Ay, for 'twere absurb

To think that nature in the earth bred gold
Perfect in the instant: something went before.
There must be remote matter.

PERTINAX Ay, what is that?

 SURLY
SUBTLE Marry, we say—

SIR EPICURE Ay, now it heats: stand, Father, Pound

MAMMON him to dust.

SUBTLE It is, of the one part, A humid

exhalation, which we call Materia liquida, or the
unctuous water; On the other part, a certain crass and vicious
Portion of earth; both which, concorporate, Do make the
elementary matter of gold; Which is not yet propria materia, But
common to all metals and all stones; For, where it is forsaken of
that moisture, And hath more dryness, it becomes a stone: Where it
retains more of the humid fatness, It turns to sulphur, or to
quicksilver, Who are the parents of all other metals. Nor can this
remote matter suddenly Progress so from extreme unto extreme, As
to grow gold, and leap o'er all the means. Nature doth first beget
the imperfect, then Proceeds she to the perfect. Of that airy And
oily water, mercury is engendered; Sulphur of the fat and earthy
part; the one, Which is the last, supplying the place of male, The
other of the female, in all metals. Some do believe hermaphrodeity,
That both do act and suffer. But these two Make the rest ductile,
malleable, extensive. And even in gold they are; for we do find
Seeds of them, by our fire, and gold in them; And can produce the
species of each metal More perfect thence, than nature doth in
earth. Beside, who doth not see in daily practice
 Art can beget bees, hornets, beetles, wasps, Out of
the carcases and dung of creatures;
Yea, scorpions of an herb, being rightly placed? And
these are living creatures, far more perfect And
excellent than metals.

SIR EPICURE Well said, Father!

MAMMON Nay, if he take you in hand, sir, with an argument,
He’ll bray you in a mortar.

PERTINAX Pray you, sir, stay.

SURLY Rather than I’ll be brayed, sir, I’ll believe That
Alchemy is a pretty kind of game, Somewhat like
tricks o’ the cards, to cheat a man With charming.

Sir?
SUBTLE What else are all your terms, Whereon
no one of your writers ’grees with other? Of your
PERTINAX
elixir, your lac virginis,
SURLY
Your stone, your medicine, and your chrysosperm,
Your sal, your sulphur, and your mercury,
Your oil of height, your tree of life, your blood,
Your marcasite, your tutie, your magnesia,
Your toad, your crow, your dragon, and your panther;
Your sun, your moon, your firmament, your adrop,
Your lato, azoch, zernich, chibrit, heautarit, And then
your red man, and your white woman, With all your
broths, your menstrues, and materials, Of piss and
eggshells, women’s terms, man’s blood, Hair o’ the
head, burnt clouts, chalk, merds, and clay, Powder of
bones, scalings of iron, glass, And worlds of other
strange ingredients,
Would burst a man to name?

And all these named, Intending

but one thing; which art our writers
SUBTLE
 Used to obscure their art.
SIR EPICURE Sir, so I told him—
MAMMON Because the simple idiot should not learn it, And
make it vulgar.

SUBTLE Was not all the knowledge

Of the Egyptians writ in mystic symbols?
Speak not the scriptures oft in parables?
Are not the choicest fables of the poets,
That were the fountains and first springs of wisdom,
Wrapped in perplexed allegories?

SIR EPICURE I urged that,

MAMMON And cleared to him, that Sisyphus was damned To
roll the ceaseless stone, only because He would
have made Ours common.

DOL COMMON (Appears at the door.)—

Who is this?

SUBTLE 'Sprecious!—What do you mean? Go in, good lady,

Let me entreat you.

(DOL retires.)

—Where's this varlet?

(Re-enter FACE.)

FACE Sir.

SUBTLE You very knave! Do you use me thus?

FACE Wherein, sir?

SUBTLE Go in and see, you traitor. Go!

(Exit FACE.)
SIR EPICURE Who is it, sir?
MAMMON

SUBTLE Nothing, sir; nothing.

SIR EPICURE What's the matter, good sir?

MAMMON I have not seen you thus distempered: who is't?

SUBTLE All arts have still had, sir, their adversaries; But
ours the most ignorant.—

(Re-enter FACE.)

What now?

'Twas not my fault, sir; she would speak with you.

FACE
Would she, sir! Follow me.
SUBTLE
(Exit.)

(Stoppinghim.) Stay, Lungs.

SIR EPICURE
MAMMON
I dare not, sir.
FACE
Stay, man; what is she?
SIR EPICURE
MAMMON
A lord's sister, sir.
FACE
How! Pray thee, stay.
SIR EPICURE
MAMMON
She's mad, sir, and sent hither—
FACE
He'll be mad too.—
SIR EPICURE I warrant thee.—
 MAMMON Why sent hither?

FACE Sir, to be cured.

SUBTLE
(Within.) Why, rascal!

FACE
Lo you!—Here, sir!

(Exit.)

'Fore God, a Bradamante, a brave piece.

SIR EPICURE
MAMMON
Heart, this is a bawdyhouse! I will be burnt else.
PERTINAX
SURLY
O, by this light, no: do not wrong him. He's Too
SIR EPICURE scrupulous that way: it is his vice.
MAMMON
No, he's a rare physician, do him right,
An excellent Paracelsian, and has done
Strange cures with mineral physic. He deals all With
spirits, he; he will not hear a word
Of Galen; or his tedious recipes.—

(Re-enter FACE.)

How now, Lungs!

Softly, sir; speak softly. I meant

FACE
To have told your worship all. This must not hear.

No, he will not be “gulled;” let him alone.

SIR EPICURE
MAMMON
You are very right, sir, she is a most rare scholar, And
is gone mad with studying Broughton's works. If you
FACE
but name a word touching the Hebrew,
She falls into her fit, and will discourse So learnedly of
genealogies,
 As you would run mad too, to hear her, sir.
SIR EPICURE How might one do t’ have conference with her, Lungs?
MAMMON

FACE
O divers have run mad upon the conference: I do not
know, sir. I am sent in haste, To fetch a vial.

PERTINAX Be not gulled, Sir Mammon.

SURLY

SIR EPICURE Wherein? Pray ye, be patient.

MAMMON

PERTINAX Yes, as you are,

SURLY And trust confederate knaves and bawds and whores.

SIR EPICURE You are too foul, believe it.—Come here, Ulen, One
MAMMON word.

FACE I dare not, in good faith.

(Going.)

SIR EPICURE Stay, knave.

MAMMON

FACE He is extreme angry that you saw her, sir.

SIR EPICURE Drink that. (Gives him money.)

MAMMON What is she when she’s out of her fit?

FACE O, the most affablest creature, sir! So merry!

So pleasant! She’ll mount you up, like quicksilver,
Over the helm; and circulate like oil,
A very vegetal: discourse of state,
Of mathematics, bawdry, anything—

SIR EPICURE Is she no way accessible? No means,

 MAMMON No trick to give a man a taste of her—wit— Or so?

SUBTLE (Within.) Ulen!

FACE I’ll come to you again, sir.

(Exit.)

SIR EPICURE Surly, I did not think one of your breeding Would
MAMMON traduce personages of worth.
PERTINAX
SURLY
Sir Epicure, Your friend
to use; yet still loth to be gulled: I do not like your
philosophical bawds. Their stone is letchery
enough to pay for, Without this bait.

SIR EPICURE ’Heart, you abuse yourself.

MAMMON I know the lady, and her friends, and means, The
original of this disaster. Her brother Has told me
all.

PERTINAX And yet you never saw her

SURLY Till now!

SIR EPICURE O yes, but I forgot. I have, believe it, One of the
MAMMON treacherousest memories, I do think, Of all
mankind.

PERTINAX What call you her brother?

SURLY

SIR EPICURE
My lord—
MAMMON
He will not have his name known, now I think
on’t.
PERTINAX A very treacherous memory!
SURLY
SIR EPICURE On my faith—
MAMMON

Tut,
PERTINAX if you have it not about you, pass it,
SURLY Till we meet next.

SIR EPICURE Nay, by this hand, ’tis true.

MAMMON He’s one I honour, and my noble friend;
And I respect his house.

PERTINAX Heart! Can it be,

SURLY That a grave sir, a rich, that has no need,
A wise sir, too, at other times, should thus,
With his own oaths, and arguments, make hard means To gull
himself? An this be your elixir,
Your lapis mineralis, and your lunary,
Give me your honest trick yet at primero,
Or gleek; and take your lutum sapientis,
Your menstruum simplex! I’ll have gold before you, And with less
danger of the quicksilver,
Or the hot sulphur.

(Re-enter FACE.)

FACE Here’s one from Captain Face, sir,

(To SURLY.)
Desires you meet him in the Temple-church, Some half-hour hence,
and upon earnest business. (Whispers to MAMMON.)
Sir, if you please to quit us, now; and come
Again within two hours, you shall have
My master busy examining o’ the works;
And I will steal you in, unto the party,
That you may see her converse.—Sir, shall I say, You’ll meet the
Captain’s worship?

PERTINAX Sir, I will.—

SURLY (Walks aside.)
 But, by attorney, and to a second purpose.
Now, I am sure it is a bawdyhouse;
I’ll swear it, were the Marshal here to thank me:
The naming this Commander doth confirm it.
Don Face! Why, he’s the most authentic dealer
In these commodities, the superintendant
To all the quainter traffickers in town!
He is the visitor, and does appoint,
Who lies with whom, and at what hour; what price; Which
gown, and in what smock; what fall; what tire. Him will I prove,
by a third person, to find
The subtleties of this dark labyrinth:
Which if I do discover, dear Sir Mammon,
You’ll give your poor friend leave, though no philosopher, To
laugh: for you that are, ’tis thought, shall weep.

FACE Sir, he does pray, you’ll not forget.

PERTINAX
I will not, sir.
SURLY Sir Epicure, I shall leave you.

(Exit.)

I follow you, straight.

SIR EPICURE
MAMMON

But do so, good sir, to avoid suspicion.

FACE
This gentleman has a parlous head.

But wilt thou Ulen,

SIR EPICURE Be constant to thy promise?
MAMMON
As my life, sir.
FACE
And wilt thou insinuate what I am, and praise me,
SIR EPICURE And say, I am a noble fellow?
MAMMON
O, what else, sir?
FACE
 And that you’ll make her royal with the stone,
An empress; and yourself, King of Bantam.

SIR EPICURE Wilt thou do this?

MAMMON

FACE Will I, sir!

SIR EPICURE Lungs, my Lungs!

MAMMON I love thee.

FACE Send your stuff, sir, that my master

May busy himself about projection.

SIR EPICURE Thou hast witched me, rogue: take, go. (Gives
MAMMON him money.)

FACE Your jack, and all, sir.

SIR EPICURE Thou art a villain—I will send my jack,

MAMMON And the weights too. Slave, I could bite thine
ear. Away, thou dost not care for me.
FACE Not I, sir!

SIR EPICURE Come, I was born to make thee, my good weasel,

MAMMON Set thee on a bench, and have thee twirl a chain
With the best lord’s vermin of ’em all.

FACE Away, sir.

SIR EPICURE A count, nay, a count palatine—

MAMMON

FACE Good, sir, go.

SIR EPICURE Shall not advance thee better: no, nor faster.
MAMMON
 (Exit.)

(Re-enter SUBTLE and DOL.)

SUBTLE
Has he bit? Has he bit?

And swallowed, too, my Subtle. I have given him

FACE
line, and now he plays, i’faith.

And shall we twitch him?

SUBTLE

Thorough both the gills.

FACE
A wench is a rare bait, with which a man
No sooner’s taken, but he straight firks mad.

Dol, my Lord What’ts’hums sister, you must now Bear yourself

SUBTLE statelich.

O let me alone.
DOL COMMON I’ll not forget my race, I warrant you.
I’ll keep my distance, laugh and talk aloud;
Have all the tricks of a proud scurvy lady,
And be as rude as her woman.

Well said, sanguine!

FACE
But will he send his andirons?
SUBTLE
His jack too,
FACE And’s iron shoeing-horn; I have spoke to him. Well, I must not
lose my wary gamester yonder.

O Monsieur Caution, that will not be gulled?

SUBTLE
Ay,
FACE If I can strike a fine hook into him, now!
The Temple-church, there I have cast mine angle. Well, pray for
me. I’ll about it.
(Knocking without.)
 SUBTLE What, more gudgeons!
Dol, scout, scout!
(DOL goes to the window.)
Stay, Face, you must go to the door,
'Pray God it be my Anabaptist—Who is't, Dol?

DOL COMMON I know him not: he looks like a gold-endman.

SUBTLE Ods so! 'Tis he, he said he would send what call you him? The
sanctified elder, that should deal
For Mammon's jack and andirons. Let him in.
Stay, help me off, first, with my gown.

(Exit FACE with the gown.)

Away,
Madam, to your withdrawing chamber.

(Exit DOL.)

Now,
In a new tune, new gesture, but old language.— This fellow is sent
from one negotiates with me About the stone too, for the holy
Brethren Of Amsterdam, the exiled saints, that hope To raise their
discipline by it. I must use him
In some strange fashion, now, to make him admire me.—

(Enter ANANIAS.)

(Aloud.)
Where is my drudge?

(Re-enter FACE.)

FACE Sir!

SUBTL Take away the recipient,

E
 And rectify your menstrue from the phlegma. Then pour it on the
Sol, in the cucurbite, And let them macerate together.

Yes, sir.
FACE And save the ground?

No: Terra damnata

SUBTLE
Must not have entrance in the work.—Who are you?

A faithful brother, if it please you.

ANANIAS What's that?
A Lullianist? A Ripley? Filius artis?
SUBTLE
Can you sublime and dulcify? Calcine?
Know you the sapor pontic? Sapor stiptic?
Or what is homogene, or heterogene?

I understand no heathen language, truly.

ANANIAS Heathen! You Knipper-doling? Is Ars sacra,
Or chrysopoeia, or spagyrica,
SUBTLE Or the pamphysic, or panarchic knowledge,
A heathen language?

Heathen Greek, I take it.

ANANIAS How! Heathen Greek?

SUBTLE All's heathen but the Hebrew.

ANANIAS Sirrah, my varlet, stand you forth and speak to him, Like a
philosopher: answer in the language.
SUBTLE Name the vexations, and the martyrisations Of metals in the
work.

Sir, putrefaction,
Solution, ablution, sublimation,
FACE
 Cohobation, calcination, ceration, and Fixation.

This is heathen Greek to you, now!—

SUBTLE And when comes vivification?

After mortification.
FACE
What's cohobation?
SUBTLE
'Tis the pouring on
Your aqua regis, and then drawing him off,
FACE
To the trine circle of the seven spheres.

What's the proper passion of metals?

SUBTLE Malleation.
FACE What's your ultimum supplicium auri?

SUBTLE Antimonium.

FACE This is heathen Greek to you!—And what's your mercury?

SUBTLE A very fugitive, he will be gone, sir.

FACE How know you him?

SUBTLE
By his viscosity,
His oleosity, and his suscitability.
FACE
How do you sublime him?

With the calce of eggshells,

SUBTLE
White marble, talc.
FACE
Your magisterium now,
What's that?
SUBTLE
 FACE Shifting, sir, your elements,
Dry into cold, cold into moist, moist into hot, Hot into dry.

This is heathen Greek to you still! Your lapis

SUBTLE philosophicus?

'Tis a stone,
FACE
And not a stone; a spirit, a soul, and a body: Which if you
do dissolve, it is dissolved; If you coagulate, it is
coagulated;
If you make it to fly, it flieth.

Enough.
SUBTLE
(Exit FACE.)

This is heathen Greek to you! What are you, sir?

Please you, a servant of the exiled Brethren, That deal with

widows' and with orphans' goods, And make a just account
ANANIAS unto the Saints: A Deacon.

O, you are sent from master Wholesome, Your

teacher?

SUBTLE From Tribulation Wholesome,

Our very zealous pastor.

ANANIAS Good! I have

Some orphans' goods to come here.

SUBTLE
Of what kind, sir?

Pewter and brass, andirons and kitchenware, Metals, that

ANANIAS
we must use our medicine on: Wherein the Brethren may
have a pennyworth
SUBTLE
 For ready money.
ANANIAS Were the orphans' parents
Sincere professors?

SUBTLE Why do you ask?

ANANIAS Because
We then are to deal justly, and give, in truth, Their
utmost value.

SUBTLE 'Slid, you'd cozen else,

And if their parents were not of the faithful!— I will
not trust you, now I think on it,
'Till I have talked with your pastor. Have you brought
money
To buy more coals?

ANANIAS No, surely.

SUBTLE No! How so?

ANANIAS
The Brethren bid me say unto you, sir, Surely, they will
not venture any more, Till they may see projection.

SUBTLE How!

ANANIAS You have had, For the

instruments, as bricks, and loam, and glasses, Already
thirty pound; and for materials, They say, some ninety
more: and they have heard since, That one at
Heidelberg, made it of an egg, And a small paper of
pin-dust.

SUBTLE What's your name?

ANANIAS My name is Ananias.

SUBTLE Out, the varlet
That cozened the Apostles! Hence, away! Flee,
 mischief! Had your holy Consistory No name to send
me, of another sound, Than wicked Ananias? Send
your elders Hither to make atonement for you quickly,
And give me satisfaction; or out goes The fire; and
down th’ alembics, and the furnace, Piger Henricus,
or whatnot. Thou wretch! Both sericon and bufo shall
be lost, Tell them. All hope of rooting out the Bishops,
Or the antichristian hierarchy, shall perish, If they stay
threescore minutes: the aqueity, Terreity, and
sulphureity Shall run together again, and all be
annulled, Thou wicked Ananias!

(Exit ANANIAS.)

This will fetch ’em,

And make them haste towards their gulling more. A
man must deal like a rough nurse, and fright Those
that are froward, to an appetite.

(Re-enter FACE, in his uniform, followed by

DRUGGER.)

FACE He is busy with his spirits, but we’ll upon him.

SUBTLE How now! What mates, what Baiards have we here?

FACE I told you, he would be furious.—Sir, here’s Nab, Has

brought you another piece of gold to look on: —We
must appease him. Give it me—and prays you, You
would devise—what is it, Nab?

DRUGGER A sign, sir.

FACE Ay, a good lucky one, a thriving sign, Doctor.

 SUBTLE I was devising now.

FACE 'Slight, do not say so,

He will repent he gave you any more— What say you
to his constellation, Doctor, The Balance?

No, that way is stale, and common.

SUBTLE A townsman born in Taurus, gives the bull, Or the
bull's-head: in Aries, the ram,
A poor device! No, I will have his name
Formed in some mystic character; whose radii, Striking
the senses of the passers by,
Shall, by a virtual influence, breed affections,
That may result upon the party owns it: As thus—

Nab!

He shall have “a bell,” that's “Abel;”

FACE
And by it standing one whose name is “Dee,”
In a “rug” gown, there's “D,” and “Rug,” that's “drug:”
SUBTLE
And right anenst him a dog snarling “er;”
There's “Drugger,” Abel Drugger. That's his sign. And
here's now mystery and hieroglyphic!

Abel, thou art made.

Sir, I do thank his worship.

FACE
Six o' thy legs more will not do it, Nab. He has brought
DRUGGER you a pipe of tobacco, Doctor.

FACE Yes, sir;

I have another thing I would impart—

DRUGGER

FACE Out with it, Nab.

DRUGGER Sir, there is lodged, hard by me,
A rich young widow—

FACE Good! A bona roba?

DRUGGER But nineteen, at the most.

FACE
Very good, Abel.

Marry, she's not in fashion yet; she wears

DRUGGER
A hood, but it stands a cop.

No matter, Abel.
FACE

And I do now and then give her a fucus—

DRUGGER
What! Dost thou deal, Nab?
FACE
I did tell you, Captain.
SUBTLE
And physic too, sometime, sir; for which she trusts me
DRUGGER With all her mind. She's come up here of purpose To
learn the fashion.

Good (his match too!)—On, Nab.

FACE
And she does strangely long to know her fortune.
DRUGGER
Ods lid, Nab, send her to the Doctor, hither.
FACE
Yes, I have spoke to her of his worship already;
DRUGGER But she's afraid it will be blown abroad,
And hurt her marriage.

Hurt it! 'Tis the way

FACE To heal it, if 'twere hurt; to make it more
Followed and sought: Nab, thou shalt tell her this.
She'll be more known, more talked of; and your widows
Are ne'er of any price till they be famous;
 Their honour is their multitude of suitors.
Send her, it may be thy good fortune. What! Thou dost
not know.

DRUGGER No, sir, she’ll never marry

Under a knight: her brother has made a vow.

FACE
What! And dost thou despair, my little Nab, Knowing
what the Doctor has set down for thee, And seeing so
many of the city dubbed?
One glass o’ thy water, with a Madam I know,
Will have it done, Nab: what’s her brother, a knight?

No, sir, a gentleman newly warm in his land, sir, Scarce

DRUGGER
cold in his one and twenty, that does govern His sister
here; and is a man himself
Of some three thousand a year, and is come up To learn
to quarrel, and to live by his wits, And will go down
again, and die in the country.

How! To quarrel?
FACE
Yes, sir, to carry quarrels, As gallants do;
DRUGGER
to manage them by line.

’Slid, Nab, the Doctor is the only man

FACE In Christendom for him. He has made a table, With
mathematical demonstrations,
Touching the art of quarrels: he will give him An
instrument to quarrel by. Go, bring them both, Him and
his sister. And, for thee, with her The Doctor haply may
persuade. Go to: ’Shalt give his worship a new damask
suit Upon the premises.

O, good Captain!

SUBTLE He shall;

FACE
 He is the honestest fellow, Doctor.—Stay not, No
offers; bring the damask, and the parties.

DRUGGER I’ll try my power, sir.

FACE
And thy will too, Nab.

SUBTLE
’Tis good tobacco, this! What is’t an ounce?

He’ll send you a pound, Doctor.

FACE

O no.
SUBTLE

He will do’t.
FACE
It is the goodest soul!—Abel, about it.
Thou shalt know more anon. Away, be gone.

(Exit DRUGGER.)

A miserable rogue, and lives with cheese,

And has the worms. That was the cause, indeed, Why he
came now: he dealt with me in private, To get a
medicine for them.

And shall, sir. This works.

SUBTLE
A wife, a wife for one on us, my dear Subtle!
FACE We’ll e’en draw lots, and he that fails, shall have The
more in goods, the other has in tail.

Rather the less: for she may be so light

SUBTLE
She may want grains.

Ay, or be such a burden,

A man would scarce endure her for the whole.
FACE

Faith, best let’s see her first, and then determine.

SUBTLE FACE Content: but Dol must have no breath on’t.
 Mum.
SUBTLE
Away you, to your Surly yonder, catch him. 'Pray God I

have not stayed too long.

FACE

I fear it.
SUBTLE

(Exeunt.)
 ACT III

SCENE I

The lane before LOVEWIT’S house.

(Enter TRIBULATION WHOLESOME and

ANANIAS.)
TRIBULATION These chastisements are common to the saints,
WHOLESOME And such rebukes, we of the separation
Must bear with willing shoulders, as the trials
Sent forth to tempt our frailties.

ANANIAS In pure zeal,

I do not like the man; he is a heathen, And
speaks the language of Canaan, truly.

TRIBULATION I think him a profane person indeed.

WHOLESOME

ANANIAS He bears
The visible mark of the beast in his forehead.
And for his stone, it is a work of darkness, And
with philosophy blinds the eyes of man.

TRIBULATION Good brother, we must bend unto all means,

WHOLESOME That may give furtherance to the holy cause.

ANANIAS Which his cannot: the sanctified cause

 Should have a sanctified course.

TRIBULATION Not always necessary:

WHOLESOME The children of perdition are ofttimes Made
instruments even of the greatest works: Beside, we
should give somewhat to man’s nature, The place he
lives in, still about the fire, And fume of metals, that
intoxicate
The brain of man, and make him prone to passion.
Where have you greater atheists than your cooks? Or
more profane, or choleric, than your glass-men? More
antichristian than your bell-founders? What makes the
Devil so devilish, I would ask you, Satan, our common
enemy, but his being Perpetually about the fire, and
boiling Brimstone and arsenic? We must give, I say,
Unto the motives, and the stirrers up Of humours in the
blood. It may be so, When as the work is done, the
stone is made, This heat of his may turn into a zeal,
And stand up for the beauteous discipline, Against the
menstruous cloth and rag of Rome. We must await his
calling, and the coming Of the good spirit. You did
fault, t’ upbraid him With the Brethren’s blessing of
Heidelberg, weighing What need we have to hasten on
the work, For the restoring of the silenced saints,
Which ne’er will be, but by the philosopher’s stone.
And so a learned elder, one of Scotland,
Assured me; aurum potabile being
The only medicine, for the civil magistrate, T’ incline
him to a feeling of the cause; And must be daily used
in the disease.

I have not edified more, truly, by man; Not since the

beautiful light first shone on me: And I am sad my zeal
hath so offended.
ANANIAS
TRIBULATION Let us call on him then.
WHOLESOME

ANANIAS
The motion’s good, And of the spirit; I
will knock first. (Knocks.) Peace be within!

(The door is opened, and they enter.)

SCENE II

A room in LOVEWIT’S house.

(Enter SUBTLE, followed by TRIBULATION and
ANANIAS.)
SUBTLE O, are you come? ’Twas time. Your threescore
minutes Were at last thread, you see: and down had
gone Furnus acediae, turris circulatorius:
Lembec, bolt’s head, retort and pelican
Had all been cinders.—Wicked Ananias!
Art thou returned? Nay then, it goes down yet.

TRIBULATION
WHOLESOME
Sir, be appeased; he is come to humble Himself in
spirit, and to ask your patience, If too much zeal hath
carried him aside From the due path.

SUBTLE Why, this doth qualify!

TRIBULATION The Brethren had no purpose, verily,

WHOLESOME To give you the least grievance; but are ready To lend
their willing hands to any project The spirit and you
direct.
 This qualifies more!
SUBTLE

And for the orphans' goods, let them be valued, Or what is

TRIBULATION
needful else to the holy work, It shall be numbered; here,
WHOLESOME
by me, the Saints, Throw down their purse before you.

This qualifies most!

Why, thus it should be, now you understand. Have I
SUBTLE
discoursed so unto you of our stone, And of the good that it
shall bring your cause? Showed you (beside the main of
hiring forces Abroad, drawing the Hollanders, your friends,
From the Indies, to serve you, with all their fleet) That
even the medicinal use shall make you a faction, And party
in the realm? As, put the case, That some great man in
state, he have the gout, Why, you but send three drops of
your elixir, You help him straight: there you have made a
friend. Another has the palsy or the dropsy, He takes of
your incombustible stuff,
He's young again: there you have made a friend, A lady
that is past the feat of body,
Though not of mind, and hath her face decayed Beyond all
cure of paintings, you restore,
With the oil of talc: there you have made a friend; And all
her friends. A lord that is a leper, A knight that has the
bone-ache, or a squire That hath both these, you make
them smooth and sound, With a bare fricace of your
medicine: still
You increase your friends.

Ay, it is very pregnant.

And then the turning of this lawyer's pewter To plate at

TRIBULATION Christmas.—
WHOLESOME

SUBTLE
 SUBTLE Yet, Ananias!
ANANIAS I have done.

SUBTLE Or changing
His parcel gilt to massy gold. You cannot But
raise you friends. Withal, to be of power To pay
an army in the field, to buy
The King of France out of his realms, or Spain
Out of his Indies. What can you not do Against
lords spiritual or temporal, That shall oppone
you?

TRIBULATION Verily, 'tis true.

WHOLESOME We may be temporal lords ourselves, I take it.

SUBTLE You may be anything, and leave off to make

Long-winded exercises; or suck up
Your “ha!” and “hum!” in a tune. I not deny,
But such as are not graced in a state,
May, for their ends, be adverse in religion,
And get a tune to call the flock together:
For, to say sooth, a tune does much with women,
And other phlegmatic people; it is your bell.

ANANIAS Bells are profane; a tune may be religious.

SUBTLE No warning with you! Then farewell my patience.

'Slight, it shall down: I will not be thus tortured.

TRIBULATION
I pray you, sir.
WHOLESOME

SUBTLE All shall perish. I have spoken it.

TRIBULATION Let me find grace, sir, in your eyes; the man

ANANIAS Christ-tide, I pray you.
WHOLESOME He stands corrected: neither did his zeal, But as yourself,
allow a tune somewhere. Which now, being toward the
stone, we shall not need.

SUBTLE No, nor your holy vizard, to win widows To give you
legacies; or make zealous wives To rob their husbands
for the common cause: Nor take the start of bonds broke
but one day, And say, they were forfeited by providence.
Nor shall you need o'er night to eat huge meals, To
celebrate your next day's fast the better; The whilst the
Brethren and the Sisters humbled, Abate the stiffness of
the flesh. Nor cast Before your hungry hearers scrupulous
bones; As whether a Christian may hawk or hunt, Or
whether matrons of the holy assembly May lay their hair
out, or wear doublets, Or have that idol starch about their
linen.

It is indeed an idol.

Mind him not, sir.

ANANIAS
I do command thee, spirit of zeal, but trouble, To peace
within him! Pray you, sir, go on.
TRIBULATION
WHOLESOME
Nor shall you need to libel 'gainst the prelates, And
shorten so your ears against the hearing Of the next wire-
drawn grace. Nor of necessity Rail against plays, to
SUBTLE
please the alderman Whose daily custard you devour; nor
lie With zealous rage till you are hoarse. Not one Of
these so singular arts. Nor call yourselves By names of Tribulation,
Persecution, Restraint, Long-patience, and suchlike, affected By the
whole family or wood of you, Only for glory, and to catch the ear Of
the disciple.
TRIBULATION Truly, sir, they are
WHOLESOME Ways that the godly Brethren have invented, For
propagation of the glorious cause,
As very notable means, and whereby also
Themselves grow soon, and profitably, famous.

SUBTLE O, but the stone, all's idle to it! Nothing! The art
of angels' nature's miracle,
The divine secret that doth fly in clouds From
east to west: and whose tradition Is not from
men, but spirits.

ANANIAS I hate traditions;

I do not trust them—

TRIBULATION Peace!
WHOLESOME

ANANIAS They are popish all.

I will not peace: I will not—

TRIBULATION Ananias!
WHOLESOME

ANANIAS Please the profane, to grieve the godly; I may not.

SUBTLE Well, Ananias, thou shalt overcome.

TRIBULATION It is an ignorant zeal that haunts him, sir; But

WHOLESOME truly, else, a very faithful Brother, A botcher, and
a man, by revelation, That hath a competent
knowledge of the truth.

SUBTLE Has he a competent sum there in the bag

To buy the goods within? I am made guardian,
And must, for charity, and conscience sake, Now
see the most be made for my poor orphan;
Though I desire the Brethren too good gainers:
 There they are within. When you have viewed and bought
’em,
And ta’en the inventory of what they are,
They are ready for projection; there’s no more
To do: cast on the medicine, so much silver
As there is tin there, so much gold as brass,
I’ll give’t you in by weight.

TRIBULATION But how long time,

WHOLESOME Sir, must the saints expect yet?
SUBTLE Let me see,
How’s the moon now? Eight, nine, ten days hence, He
will be silver potate; then three days Before he citronise:
Some fifteen days,
The magisterium will be perfected.
ANANIAS About the second day of the third week, In the ninth
month?

SUBTLE Yes, my good Ananias.

TRIBULATION What will the orphan’s goods arise to, think you?
WHOLESOME

SUBTLE Some hundred marks, as much as filled three cars,

Unladed now: you’ll make six millions of them.— But I
must have more coals laid in.

TRIBULATION How?
WHOLESOME

SUBTLE Another load,

And then we have finished. We must now increase
Our fire to ignis ardens; we are past
Fimus equinus, balnei, cineris,
And all those lenter heats. If the holy purse
Should with this draught fall low, and that the saints
 Do need a present sum, I have a trick
To melt the pewter, you shall buy now, instantly,
And with a tincture make you as good Dutch dollars
As any are in Holland.

TRIBULATION Can you so?

WHOLESOME

SUBTLE Ay, and shall 'bide the third examination.

ANANIAS It will be joyful tidings to the Brethren.

SUBTLE But you must carry it secret.

TRIBULATION Ay; but stay,

WHOLESOME This act of coining, is it lawful?

ANANIAS Lawful!
We know no magistrate; or, if we did, This is
foreign coin.
SUBTLE It is no coining, sir.
It is but casting.

TRIBULATION Ha! You distinguish well: Casting of

WHOLESOME money may be lawful.

ANANIAS 'Tis, sir.

TRIBULATION Truly, I take it so.

WHOLESOME

SUBTLE There is no scruple,

Sir, to be made of it; believe Ananias: This case of
conscience he is studied in.

TRIBULATION I'll make a question of it to the Brethren.

WHOLESOME
ANANIAS The Brethren shall approve it lawful, doubt not. Where shall it be
done?

(Knocking without.)

SUBTLE
For that we'll talk anon.
There's some to speak with me. Go in, I pray you, And
view the parcels. That's the inventory.
I'll come to you straight.

(Exeunt TRIBULATION and ANANIAS.)

Who is it?—Face! Appear.

(Enter FACE in his uniform.)

How now! Good prize?

Good pox! Yond' costive cheater

FACE Never came on.

How then?
SUBTLE
I have walked the round
FACE Till now, and no such thing.

And have you quit him?

SUBTLE
Quit him! An hell would quit him too, he were happy.
FACE
'Slight! Would you have me stalk like a mill-jade, All day,
for one that will not yield us grains?
I know him of old.

O, but to have gulled him,

SUBTLE
Had been a mastery.

Let him go, black boy!

And turn thee, that some fresh news may possess thee. A
FACE
noble count, a don of Spain, my dear
 Delicious compeer, and my party-bawd, Who is come hither
private for his conscience, And brought munition with him, six
great slops, Bigger than three Dutch hoys, beside round trunks,
Furnished with pistolets, and pieces of eight, Will straight be
here, my rogue, to have thy bath, (That is the colour,) and to
make his battery Upon our Dol, our castle, our Cinque-Port, Our
Dover pier, our what thou wilt. Where is she? She must prepare
perfumes, delicate linen, The bath in chief, a banquet, and her
wit, For she must milk his epididimis.
Where is the doxy?

I’ll send her to thee:

And but despatch my brace of little John Leydens, And come again
myself.
SUBTLE
Are they within then?

Numbering the sum.

FACE How much?
SUBTLE A hundred marks, boy.

FACE (Exit.)

SUBTLE Why, this is a lucky day. Ten pounds of Mammon! Three of

my clerk! A portague of my grocer! This of the Brethren!
Beside reversions, And states to come in the widow, and my
count! My share today will not be bought for forty—
FACE
(Enter DOL.)

What?

DOL COMMON
 FACE Pounds, dainty Dorothy! Art thou so near?

DOL COMMON Yes; say, lord General, how fares our camp?

FACE
As with the few that had entrenched themselves Safe, by
their discipline, against a world, Dol, And laughed within
those trenches, and grew fat With thinking on the booties,
Dol, brought in Daily by their small parties. This dear
hour, A doughty don is taken with my Dol;
And thou mayst make his ransom what thou wilt, My
Dousabel; he shall be brought here fettered With thy fair
looks, before he sees thee; and thrown In a down-bed, as
dark as any dungeon;
Where thou shalt keep him waking with thy drum; Thy
drum, my Dol, thy drum; till he be tame As the poor
blackbirds were in the great frost, Or bees are with a
bason; and so hive him In the swanskin coverlid, and
cambric sheets, Till he work honey and wax, my little
God's-gift.

What is he, General?

DOL COMMON An adalantado,
A grandee, girl. Was not my Dapper here yet?
FACE

No.
DOL COMMON Nor my Drugger?
FACE Neither.

DOL COMMON A pox on 'em,

They are so long a furnishing! Such stinkards Would not
FACE be seen upon these festival days.—

(Re-enter SUBTLE.)

How now! Have you done?

SUBTLE Done. They are gone: the sum

 Is here in bank, my Face. I would we knew Another
chapman now would buy 'em outright.

FACE 'Slid, Nab shall do't against he have the widow, To furnish
household.

SUBTLE Excellent, well thought on:

Pray God he come!

FACE I pray he keep away

Till our new business be o'erpast.

SUBTLE But, Face,

How cam'st thou by this secret don?

FACE A spirit
Brought me th' intelligence in a paper here, As I was
conjuring yonder in my circle For Surly; I have my flies
abroad. Your bath Is famous, Subtle, by my means. Sweet
Dol, You must go tune your virginal, no losing O' the
least time: and, do you hear? Good action. Firk, like a
flounder; kiss, like a scallop, close; And tickle him with
thy mother tongue. His great Verdugoship has not a jot of
language; So much the easier to be cozened, my Dolly.
He will come here in a hired coach, obscure, And our
own coachman, whom I have sent as guide, No creature
else.
(Knocking without.)
Who's that?

(Exit DOL.)

SUBTLE It is not he?

 FACE
O no, not yet this hour.

(Re-enter DOL.)

Who is't?
SUBTLE

Dapper,
DOL COMMON
Your clerk.

God's will then, Queen of Fairy,

FACE On with your tire; and, Doctor, with your robes.

(Exit DOL.)

Let's dispatch him for God's sake.

'Twill be long.
SUBTLE
I warrant you, take but the cues I give you, It shall be
FACE brief enough.
(Goes to the window.)
'Slight, here are more!
Abel, and I think the angry boy, the heir, That fain
would quarrel.

And the widow?

SUBTLE
No,
Not that I see. Away!
FACE

(Exit SUBTLE.)

(Enter DAPPER.)

O sir, you are welcome.

The Doctor is within a moving for you;
I have had the most ado to win him to it!—
He swears you'll be the darling of the dice:
 He never heard her Highness dote till now.
Your aunt has given you the most gracious words That
can be thought on.

DAPPER Shall I see her Grace?

FACE
See her, and kiss her too.—

(Enter DRUGGER, followed by KASTRIL.)

What, honest Nab!

Hast brought the damask?

No, sir; here's tobacco.

DRUGGER
'Tis well done, Nab; thou'lt bring the damask too?
FACE
Yes: here's the gentleman, Captain, master Kastril, I
DRUGGER have brought to see the Doctor.

Where's the widow?

FACE
Sir, as he likes, his sister, he says, shall come.
DRUGGER
O, is it so? Good time. Is your name Kastril, sir?
FACE
Ay, and the best of the Kastrils, I'd be sorry else, By
KASTRIL fifteen hundred a year. Where is the Doctor? My mad
tobacco-boy, here, tells me of one That can do things:
has he any skill?

Wherein, sir?
FACE
To carry a business, manage a quarrel fairly, Upon fit
KASTRIL
terms.

It seems, sir, you are but young

About the town, that can make that a question.
FACE
KASTRIL Sir, not so young, but I have heard some speech Of the
angry boys, and seen them take tobacco; And in his
shop; and I can take it too.
And I would fain be one of 'em, and go down And
practise in the country.

FACE Sir, for the duello, The Doctor, I

assure you, shall inform you, To the least shadow of a
hair; and show you An instrument he has of his own
making, Wherewith no sooner shall you make report
Of any quarrel, but he will take the height on’t Most
instantly, and tell in what degree Of safety it lies in, or
mortality.
And how it may be borne, whether in a right line, Or a
half circle; or may else be cast Into an angle blunt, if
not acute:
And this he will demonstrate. And then, rules To give
and take the lie by.

How! To take it?

KASTRIL
Yes, in oblique he’ll show you, or in circle; But never
in diameter. The whole town Study his theorems, and
FACE
dispute them ordinarily At the eating academies.

But does he teach

Living by the wits too?
KASTRIL Anything whatever.
You cannot think that subtlety, but he reads it. He
made me a Captain. I was a stark pimp, Just of your
FACE
standing, 'fore I met with him; It is not two months
since. I’ll tell you his method: First, he will enter you at
some ordinary.

No, I’ll not come there: you shall pardon me.

KASTRIL
 For why, sir?
FACE
There's gaming there, and tricks.
KASTRIL
Why, would you be
FACE A gallant, and not game?

Ay, 'twill spend a man.

KASTRIL
Spend you! It will repair you when you are spent: How
FACE do they live by their wits there, that have vented Six
times your fortunes?

What, three thousand a-year!

KASTRIL
Ay, forty thousand.
FACE
Are there such?
KASTRIL
Ay, sir,
FACE And gallants yet. Here's a young gentleman
(Points to DAPPER.)
Is born to nothing—forty marks a year, Which I count
nothing:—he is to be initiated, And have a fly of the
Doctor. He will win you, By unresistible luck, within this
fortnight, Enough to buy a barony. They will set him
Upmost, at the Groom porter's, all the Christmas: And for
the whole year through, at every place, Where there is
play, present him with the chair; The best attendance, the
best drink; sometimes Two glasses of Canary, and pay
nothing;
The purest linen, and the sharpest knife, The partridge next
his trencher: and somewhere The dainty bed, in private,
with the dainty.
You shall have your ordinaries bid for him, As playhouses
for a poet; and the master Pray him aloud to name what
dish he affects,
 Which must be buttered shrimps: and those that drink To
no mouth else, will drink to his, as being The goodly
president mouth of all the board.

KASTRIL Do you not gull one?

FACE
’Ods my life! Do you think it?
You shall have a cast commander, (can but get
In credit with a glover, or a spurrier,
For some two pair of either’s ware aforehand,) Will, by
most swift posts, dealing with him, Arrive at competent
means to keep himself, His punk and naked boy, in
excellent fashion, And be admired for’t.

Will the Doctor teach this?

KASTRIL He will do more, sir: when your land is gone, As men of
spirit hate to keep earth long, In a vacation, when small
FACE
money is stirring, And ordinaries suspended till the term,
He’ll show a perspective, where on one side You shall
behold the faces and the persons Of all sufficient young
heirs in town, Whose bonds are current for commodity;
On th’ other side, the merchants’ forms, and others, That
without help of any second broker,
Who would expect a share, will trust such parcels: In the
third square, the very street and sign Where the
commodity dwells, and does but wait To be delivered,
be it pepper, soap,
Hops, or tobacco, oatmeal, woad, or cheeses.
All which you may so handle, to enjoy To your own use,
and never stand obliged.

I’faith! Is he such a fellow?

Why, Nab here knows him.

KASTRIL

FACE
 And then for making matches for rich widows,
Young gentlewomen, heirs, the fortunat'st man!
He's sent to, far and near, all over England,
To have his counsel, and to know their fortunes.

KASTRIL God's will, my sister shall see him.

FACE
I'll tell you, sir,
What he did tell me of Nab. It's a strange thing:—
By the way, you must eat no cheese, Nab, it breeds
melancholy,
And that same melancholy breeds worms; but pass it:— He
told me, honest Nab here was ne'er at tavern
But once in's life!

Truth, and no more I was not.

DRUGGER

And then he was so sick—

FACE

Could he tell you that too?

DRUGGER
How should I know it?
FACE
In troth we had been a-shooting,
DRUGGER And had a piece of fat ram-mutton to supper,
That lay so heavy o' my stomach—

And he has no head

FACE To bear any wine; for what with the noise of the fiddlers,
And care of his shop, for he dares keep no servants—

My head did so ache—

DRUGGER
And he was fain to be brought home,
FACE The Doctor told me: and then a good old woman—

Yes, faith, she dwells in Sea-coal Lane—did cure me, With

DRUGGER sodden ale, and pellitory of the wall;
 Cost me but twopence. I had another sickness Was worse than
that.

FACE Ay, that was with the grief

Thou took’st for being 'sessed at eighteen-pence, For the
water-work.

DRUGGER
In truth, and it was like
T' have cost me almost my life.

FACE
Thy hair went off?

Yes, sir; 'twas done for spite.

DRUGGER

Nay, so says the Doctor.

FACE

Pray thee, tobacco-boy, go fetch my sister; I'll see this

KASTRIL
learned boy before I go;
And so shall she.

Sir, he is busy now:

FACE But if you have a sister to fetch hither, Perhaps your own
pains may command her sooner; And he by that time will
be free.

I go.
KASTRIL
(Exit.)

Drugger, she's thine: the damask!—

FACE
(Exit DRUGGER.)

Subtle and I
Must wrestle for her.
(Aside.)
—Come on, master Dapper,
You see how I turn clients here away, To give your cause
dispatch; have you performed
 The ceremonies were enjoined you?

DAPPER Yes, of the vinegar,

And the clean shirt.

FACE
'Tis well: that shirt may do you
More worship than you think. Your aunt's afire,
But that she will not show it, t' have a sight of you.
Have you provided for her Grace's servants?

Yes, here are six score Edward shillings.

DAPPER

Good!
FACE

And an old Harry's sovereign.

DAPPER
Very good!
FACE
And three James shillings, and an Elizabeth groat,
DAPPER Just twenty nobles.

O, you are too just.

FACE I would you had had the other noble in Marys.

I have some Philip and Marys.

DAPPER
Ay, those same
FACE Are best of all: where are they? Hark, the Doctor.

(Enter SUBTLE, disguised like a priest of Fairy, with a stripe of

cloth.)

(In a feigned voice.) Is yet her grace's cousin come?

SUBTLE
He is come.
FACE
And is he fasting?
SUBTLE
Yes.

FACE
 And hath cried hum?
SUBTLE

Thrice, you must answer.

FACE
Thrice.
DAPPER
And as oft buz?
SUBTLE
If you have, say.
FACE
I have.
DAPPER
Then, to her cuz,
SUBTLE Hoping that he hath vinegared his senses, As he was bid, the
Fairy Queen dispenses, By me, this robe, the petticoat of
fortune;
Which that he straight put on, she doth importune. And though
to fortune near be her petticoat, Yet nearer is her smock, the
Queen doth note: And therefore, ev’n of that a piece she hath
sent Which, being a child, to wrap him in was rent; And prays
him for a scarf he now will wear it, With as much love as then
her Grace did tear it, About his eyes, to show he is fortunate.
(They blind him with the rag.)
And, trusting unto her to make his state, He’ll throw away all
worldly pelf about him; Which that he will perform, she doth
not doubt him.

She need not doubt him, sir. Alas, he has nothing, But what he
will part withal as willingly, Upon her Grace’s word—throw
away your purse— As she would ask it;—handkerchiefs and
FACE
all— (He throws away, as they bid him.)
She cannot bid that thing, but he’ll obey.— If you have a
ring about you, cast it off, Or a silver seal at your wrist; her
Grace will send Her fairies here to search you, therefore deal
 Directly with her highness: if they find
That you conceal a mite, you are undone.

DAPPER Truly, there's all.

FACE
All what?

DAPPER
My money; truly.

Keep nothing that is transitory about you.

FACE
(Aside to SUBTLE.)
Bid Dol play music.—
(DOLplays on the cittern within.)
Look, the elves are come.
To pinch you, if you tell not truth. Advise you.

(Theypinch him.)

O! I have a paper with a spur-rial in't.

DAPPER
Ti, ti.
FACE They knew't, they say.

Ti, ti, ti, ti. He has more yet.

SUBTLE
Ti, ti-ti-ti.
FACE (Aside to SUBTLE.)
In the other pocket.

Titi, titi, titi, titi, titi.

SUBTLE They must pinch him or he will never confess, they say.

(Theypinch him again.)

O, O!
DAPPER
Nay, pray you, hold: he is her Grace's nephew,
Ti, ti, ti? What care you? Good faith, you shall care.— Deal
FACE
plainly, sir, and shame the fairies. Show
 You are innocent.

DAPPER By this good light, I have nothing.

SUBTLE
Ti, ti, ti, ti, to, ta. He does equivocate she says:
Ti, ti do ti, ti ti do, ti da;
and swears by the Light when he is blinded.

By this good Dark, I have nothing but a half-crown

DAPPER
Of gold about my wrist, that my love gave me;
And a leaden heart I wore since she forsook me.

I thought 'twas something. And would you incur

FACE
Your aunt's displeasure for these trifles? Come,
I had rather you had thrown away twenty half-crowns.
(Takes it off.)
You may wear your leaden heart still.—

(Enter DOL hastily.)

How now!

What news, Dol?

SUBTLE
Yonder's your knight, Sir Mammon.
DOL COMMON
'Ods lid, we never thought of him till now!
FACE Where is he?

Here hard by: he is at the door.

DOL COMMON
And you are not ready now! Dol, get his suit.
SUBTLE
(Exit DOL.)

He must not be sent back.

O, by no means.
What shall we do with this same puffin here,
FACE
 Now he's on the spit?

SUBTLE Why, lay him back awhile,

With some device.

(Re-enter DOL, with FACE’S clothes.)

—Ti, ti, ti, ti, ti, ti, Would her Grace speak
with me?
I come.—Help, Dol!

(Knocking without.)

FACE (Speaks through the keyhole.)

Who’s there? Sir Epicure,
My master’s in the way. Please you to walk Three or four
turns, but till his back be turned, And I am for you.—
Quickly, Dol!

SUBTLE Her Grace

Commends her kindly to you, master Dapper.

DAPPER I long to see her Grace.

SUBTLE She now is set

At dinner in her bed, and she has sent you From her own
private trencher, a dead mouse, And a piece of
gingerbread, to be merry withal, And stay your stomach,
lest you faint with fasting: Yet if you could hold out till
she saw you, she says, It would be better for you.

FACE Sir, he shall

Hold out, an 'twere this two hours, for her highness;
I can assure you that. We will not lose
All we have done.—

SUBTLE He must not see, nor speak

 To anybody, till then.

FACE For that we'll put, sir,

A stay in's mouth.

SUBTLE
Of what?

FACE
Of gingerbread.
Make you it fit. He that hath pleased her Grace Thus far,
shall not now crinkle for a little.— Gape, sir, and let him
fit you.

(They thrust a gag of gingerbread in his mouth.)

Where shall we now

SUBTLE Bestow him?

In the privy.
DOL COMMON
Come along, sir,
SUBTLE I now must show you Fortune's privy lodgings.

Are they perfumed, and his bath ready?

FACE
All:
SUBTLE Only the fumigation's somewhat strong.

(Speaking through the keyhole.)

FACE Sir Epicure, I am yours, sir, by and by.

(Exeunt with DAPPER.)

 ACT IV

SCENE I

A room in LOVEWIT’S house.

(Enter FACE and MAMMON.)
FACE O sir, you’re come in the only finest time.—

SIR EPICURE Where’s master?

MAMMON

FACE
Now preparing for projection,
sir.
Your stuff will be all changed shortly.
SIR EPICURE Into gold?
MAMMON

FACE To gold and silver, sir.

SIR EPICURE Silver I care not for.

MAMMON

FACE Yes, sir, a little to give beggars.

SIR EPICURE Where’s the lady?

MAMMON
 FACE At hand here. I have told her such brave things of you,
Touching your bounty, and your noble spirit—

SIR EPICURE Hast thou?

MAMMON

FACE As she is almost in her fit to see you.

But, good sir, no divinity in your conference,
For fear of putting her in rage.—

SIR EPICURE
I warrant thee.
MAMMON

FACE
Six men [sir] will not hold her down: and then,
If the old man should hear or see you—

Fear not.
SIR EPICURE
MAMMON

The very house, sir, would run mad. You know it, How
FACE
scrupulous he is, and violent,
'Gainst the least act of sin. Physic, or mathematics,
Poetry, state, or bawdry, as I told you,
She will endure, and never startle; but
No word of controversy.

I am schooled, good Ulen.

SIR EPICURE
MAMMON
And you must praise her house, remember that,
FACE And her nobility.

Let me alone:
SIR EPICURE No herald, no, nor antiquary, Lungs,
MAMMON Shall do it better. Go.

(Aside.) Why, this is yet

FACE A kind of modern happiness, to have
 Dol Common for a great lady.

(Exit.)

SIR EPICURE
Now, Epicure, Heighten thyself,
MAMMON
talk to her all in gold; Rain her as many showers as
Jove did drops Unto his Danae; show the god a miser,
Compared with Mammon. What! The stone will do't.
She shall feel gold, taste gold, hear gold, sleep gold;
Nay, we will concumbere gold: I will be puissant, And
mighty in my talk to her.—

(Re-enter FACE, with DOL richly dressed.)

Here she comes.

To him, Dol, suckle him.—This is the noble knight, I

told your ladyship—
FACE
Madam, with your pardon,
I kiss your vesture.
SIR EPICURE
MAMMON Sir, I were uncivil
If I would suffer that; my lip to you, sir.
DOL COMMON
I hope my lord your brother be in health, lady.

SIR EPICURE
MAMMON My lord, my brother is, though I no lady, sir.

DOL COMMON (Aside.) Well said, my Guinea bird.

FACE
Right noble madam—

SIR EPICURE
MAMMON
(Aside.) O, we shall have most fierce idolatry.

'Tis your prerogative.

FACE

SIR EPICURE
 MAMMON
DOL COMMON Rather your courtesy.

SIR EPICURE
Were there nought else to enlarge your virtues to
MAMMON
me, These answers speak your breeding and your
blood.
DOL COMMON Blood we boast none, sir, a poor baron’s daughter.

SIR EPICURE Poor! And gat you? Profane not. Had your father
MAMMON Slept all the happy remnant of his life
After that act, lien but there still, and panted, He had
done enough to make himself, his issue, And his
posterity noble.

DOL COMMON Sir, although

We may be said to want the gilt and trappings, The
dress of honour, yet we strive to keep The seeds and
the materials.

SIR EPICURE I do see

MAMMON The old ingredient, virtue, was not lost, Nor the drug
money used to make your compound. There is a
strange nobility in your eye,
This lip, that chin! Methinks you do resemble One
of the Austriac princes.

FACE Very like!

(Aside.)
Her father was an Irish costermonger.

SIR EPICURE
MAMMON
The house of Valois just had such a nose, And such
a forehead yet the Medici Of Florence boast.

DOL COMMON Troth, and I have been likened To all

these princes.
 SIR EPICURE
MAMMON I know not how! It is not anyone,
But e’en the very choice of all their features.
FACE (Aside.) I’ll in, and laugh.

(Exit.)

SIR EPICURE A certain touch, or air,

MAMMON That sparkles a divinity, beyond An earthly
beauty!

DOL COMMON O, you play the courtier.

SIR EPICURE Good lady, give me leave—

MAMMON

DOL COMMON In faith, I may not,

To mock me, sir.

SIR EPICURE To burn in this sweet flame;

MAMMON The phoenix never knew a nobler death.

DOL COMMON Nay, now you court the courtier, and destroy What
you would build. This art, sir, in your words, Calls
your whole faith in question.

SIR EPICURE By my soul—

MAMMON

DOL COMMON Nay, oaths are made of the same air, sir.

SIR EPICURE Nature

MAMMON Never bestowed upon mortality
A more unblamed, a more harmonious feature;
She played the stepdame in all faces else:
Sweet Madam, let me be particular—
FACE (Aside.) I’ll be sworn, I heard it.
DOL COMMON Particular, sir! I pray you know your distance.

SIR EPICURE In no ill sense, sweet lady; but to ask

MAMMON How your fair graces pass the hours? I see You are
lodged here, in the house of a rare man, An
excellent artist; but what's that to you?

DOL COMMON Yes, sir; I study here the mathematics, And

distillation.

SIR EPICURE
MAMMON
O, I cry your pardon.
He's a divine instructor! Can extract
The souls of all things by his art; call all The
virtues, and the miracles of the sun, Into a
temperate furnace; teach dull nature What her own
forces are. A man, the emperor Has courted above
Kelly; sent his medals And chains, to invite him.

DOL COMMON Ay, and for his physic, sir—

SIR EPICURE Above the art of Aesculapius,

MAMMON That drew the envy of the thunderer! I know all
this, and more.

DOL COMMON Troth, I am taken, sir,

Whole with these studies, that contemplate nature.

SIR EPICURE It is a noble humour; but this form

MAMMON Was not intended to so dark a use.
Had you been crooked, foul, of some coarse mould
A cloister had done well; but such a feature
That might stand up the glory of a kingdom,
To live recluse! Is a mere soloecism, Though in a
nunnery. It must not be.
I muse, my lord your brother will permit it:
You should spend half my land first, were I he.
Does not this diamond better on my finger,
 Than in the quarry?

DOL COMMON Yes.

SIR EPICURE Why, you are like it.

MAMMON You were created, lady, for the light.
Here, you shall wear it; take it, the first pledge
Of what I speak, to bind you to believe me.

DOL COMMON In chains of adamant?

SIR EPICURE Yes, the strongest bands.

MAMMON And take a secret too—here, by your side, Doth
stand this hour, the happiest man in Europe.

DOL COMMON You are contended, sir!

SIR EPICURE Nay, in true being,

MAMMON The envy of princes and the fear of states.

DOL COMMON Say you so, Sir Epicure?

SIR EPICURE Yes, and thou shalt prove it,

MAMMON Daughter of honour. I have cast mine eye Upon
thy form, and I will rear this beauty Above all
styles.

DOL COMMON You mean no treason, sir?

SIR EPICURE No, I will take away that jealousy.

MAMMON I am the lord of the philosopher’s stone, And
thou the lady.

DOL COMMON How, sir! Have you that?

SIR EPICURE I am the master of the mystery.

MAMMON This day the good old wretch here o’ the house
Has made it for us: now he’s at projection.
Think therefore thy first wish now, let me hear it;
 And it shall rain into thy lap, no shower, But floods of gold,
whole cataracts, a deluge, To get a nation on thee.

DOL COMMON You are pleased, sir, To work on the

ambition of our sex.

I am pleased the glory of her sex should know, This nook,

SIR EPICURE
MAMMON here, of the Friars is no climate For her to live obscurely
in, to learn Physic and surgery, for the constable’s wife Of
some odd hundred in Essex; but come forth, And taste the
air of palaces; eat, drink The toils of empirics, and their
boasted practice; Tincture of pearl, and coral, gold, and
amber; Be seen at feasts and triumphs; have it asked, What
miracle she is; set all the eyes Of court afire, like a burning
glass, And work them into cinders, when the jewels Of
twenty states adorn thee, and the light Strikes out the stars!
That when thy name is mentioned, Queens may look pale;
and we but showing our love, Nero’s Poppaea may be lost in
story!
Thus will we have it.

DOL COMMON I could well consent, sir.

But, in a monarchy, how will this be?
The prince will soon take notice, and both seize You and
your stone, it being a wealth unfit For any private subject.

If he knew it.
SIR EPICURE
MAMMON
Yourself do boast it, sir.
DOL COMMON
SIR EPICURE To thee, my life.
MAMMON
DOL COMMON O, but beware, sir! You may come to end The remnants of
your days in a loathed prison, By speaking of it.

SIR EPICURE 'Tis no idle fear.

MAMMON We'll therefore go withal, my girl, and live In a free state,
where we will eat our mullets, Soused in high-country
wines, sup pheasants' eggs, And have our cockles boiled in
silver shells;
Our shrimps to swim again, as when they lived,
In a rare butter made of dolphins' milk,
Whose cream does look like opals; and with these Delicate
meats set ourselves high for pleasure,
And take us down again, and then renew
Our youth and strength with drinking the elixir,
And so enjoy a perpetuity
Of life and lust! And thou shalt have thy wardrobe Richer
than nature's, still to change thyself,
And vary oftener, for thy pride, than she, Or art, her wise
and almost-equal servant.

(Re-enter FACE.)

FACE Sir, you are too loud. I hear you every word
Into the laboratory. Some fitter place;
The garden, or great chamber above. How like you her?

SIR EPICURE Excellent! Lungs. There's for thee.

MAMMON

(Gives him money.)

FACE But do you hear?

Good sir, beware, no mention of the Rabbins.

SIR EPICURE We think not on 'em.

MAMMON
 (Exeunt MAMMON and DOL.)

FACE O, it is well, sir.—Subtle!

(Enter SUBTLE.)

Dost thou not laugh?

Yes; are they gone?

SUBTLE

All’s clear.
FACE
The widow is come.
SUBTLE
And your quarrelling disciple?
FACE
Ay.
SUBTLE
I must to my captainship again then.
FACE
Stay, bring them in first.
SUBTLE
So I meant. What is she?
FACE A bonnibel?

I know not.
SUBTLE
We’ll draw lots:
FACE
You’ll stand to that?

What else?
SUBTLE
O, for a suit,
To fall now like a curtain, flap!
FACE

To the door, man.

SUBTLE FACE You’ll have the first kiss, ’cause I am not ready.
 (Exit.)

SUBTLE Yes, and perhaps hit you through both the nostrils.

FACE
(Within.) Who would you speak with?

KASTRIL
(Within.) Where's the Captain?

(Within.) Gone, sir,

FACE
About some business.

(Within.) Gone!
KASTRIL

(Within.) He'll return straight. But

FACE
Master Doctor, his lieutenant, is here.

(Enter KASTRIL, followed by DAME PLIANT.)

Come near, my worshipful boy, my terrae fili, That is,

SUBTLE my boy of land; make thy approaches: Welcome; I
know thy lusts, and thy desires, And I will serve and
satisfy them. Begin, Charge me from thence, or
thence, or in this line; Here is my centre: ground thy
quarrel.

You lie.
KASTRIL
How, child of wrath and anger! The loud lie?
SUBTLE For what, my sudden boy?

Nay, that look you to,

KASTRIL
I am aforehand.

O, this is no true grammar,

And as ill logic! You must render causes, child, Your
SUBTLE
first and second intentions, know your canons
And your divisions, moods, degrees, and
differences, Your predicaments, substance, and
accident, Series, extern and intern, with their causes,
 Efficient, material, formal, final, And have
your elements perfect.

KASTRIL (Aside.) What is this?

The angry tongue he talks in?

SUBTLE That false precept,

Of being aforehand, has deceived a number,
And made them enter quarrels, oftentimes,
Before they were aware; and afterward,
Against their wills.
KASTRIL How must I do then, sir?

SUBTLE I cry this lady mercy: she should first Have

been saluted.
(Kisses her.)
I do call you lady,
Because you are to be one, ere't be long, My
soft and buxom widow.

KASTRIL Is she, i'faith?

SUBTLE Yes, or my art is an egregious liar.

KASTRIL How know you?

SUBTLE By inspection on her forehead,

And subtlety of her lip, which must be tasted
Often to make a judgment.
(Kisses her again.)
'Slight, she melts Like a
myrobolane:—here is yet a line, In rivo
frontis, tells me he is no knight.

DAME PLIANT What is he then, sir?

SUBTLE Let me see your hand.

 O, your linea fortunae makes it plain;
And stella here in monte Veneris.
But, most of all, junctura annularis.
He is a soldier, or a man of art, lady,
But shall have some great honour shortly.

DAME PLIANT Brother,

He's a rare man, believe me!

(Re-enter FACE, in his uniform.)

Hold your peace.

KASTRIL
Here comes the t'other rare man.—'Save you, Captain.

Good master Kastril! Is this your sister?

FACE

Ay, sir.
KASTRIL
Please you to kiss her, and be proud to know her.

I shall be proud to know you, lady.

FACE
(Kisses her.)

Brother,
DAME PLIANT He calls me lady too.

Ay, peace: I heard it.

KASTRIL
(Takes her aside.)

The count is come.

FACE
Where is he?
SUBTLE
At the door.
FACE
Why, you must entertain him.
SUBTLE What will you do

FACE
 With these the while?

SUBTLE Why, have them up, and show them Some fustian book, or
the dark glass.

FACE 'Fore God,

She is a delicate dabchick! I must have her.

(Exit.)

SUBTLE
Must you! Ay, if your fortune will, you must.— Come, sir,
the Captain will come to us presently: I'll have you to my
chamber of demonstrations, Where I will show you both the
grammar and logic, And rhetoric of quarrelling; my whole
method Drawn out in tables; and my instrument, That hath
the several scales upon't, shall make you Able to quarrel at a
straw's-breadth by moonlight. And, lady, I'll have you look
in a glass, Some half an hour, but to clear your eyesight,
Against you see your fortune; which is greater, Than I may
judge upon the sudden, trust me.

(Exit, followed by KASTRIL and DAME PLIANT.)

(Re-enter FACE.)

FACE Where are you, Doctor?

SUBTLE (Within.) I'll come to you presently.

FACE I will have this same widow, now I have seen her, On any
composition.

(Re-enter SUBTLE.)

SUBTLE
What do you say?

Have you disposed of them?

FACE
 SUBTLE I have sent them up.

FACE Subtle, in troth, I needs must have this widow.

SUBTLE Is that the matter?

FACE
Nay, but hear me.

SUBTLE
Go to.
If you rebel once, Dol shall know it all: Therefore be quiet,
and obey your chance.

Nay, thou art so violent now—Do but conceive, Thou art

FACE
old, and canst not serve—

Who cannot? I?
SUBTLE
'Slight, I will serve her with thee, for a—

Nay,
FACE But understand: I'll give you composition.

I will not treat with thee; what! Sell my fortune? 'Tis better
SUBTLE than my birthright. Do not murmur: Win her, and carry
her. If you grumble, Dol Knows it directly.

Well, sir, I am silent.

Will you go help to fetch in Don in state?
FACE
(Exit.)

I follow you, sir. We must keep Face in awe, Or he will

overlook us like a tyrant.
SUBTLE
(Re-enter FACE, introducing SURLY disguised as
a Spaniard.)

Brain of a tailor! Who comes here? Don John! PERTINAX

Senores, beso las manos a vuestras mercedes.
SURLY

SUBTLE Would you had stooped a little, and kissed our anos! FACE
 Peace, Subtle.

SUBTLE Stab me; I shall never hold, man.

He looks in that deep ruff like a head in a platter,

Served in by a short cloak upon two trestles.

FACE Or, what do you say to a collar of brawn, cut down Beneath
the souse, and wriggled with a knife?

SUBTLE 'Slud, he does look too fat to be a Spaniard.

FACE Perhaps some Fleming or some Hollander got him In

d’Alva’s time; Count Egmont's bastard.

SUBTLE Don,
Your scurvy, yellow, Madrid face is welcome. PERTINAX

Gratia.
SURLY

SUBTLE He speaks out of a fortification.

Pray God he have no squibs in those deep sets.

PERTINAX Por dios, senores, muy linda casa!

SURLY

SUBTLE What says he?

FACE Praises the house, I think;

I know no more but’s action.

SUBTLE Yes, the casa,

My precious Diego, will prove fair enough
 To cozen you in. Do you mark? You shall Be cozened,
Diego.

FACE Cozened, do you see,

My worthy Donzel, cozened.

PERTINAX
Entiendo.
SURLY

SUBTLE
Do you intend it? So do we, dear Don. Have you
brought pistolets, or portagues, My solemn Don?—Dost
thou feel any?

(Feels his pockets.) Full.

FACE

You shall be emptied, Don, pumped and drawn Dry, as

SUBTLE
they say.

Milked, in troth, sweet Don.

FACE
See all the monsters; the great lion of all, Don.
SUBTLE
Con licencia, sepuede ver a esta sehora?
PERTINAX
SURLY
What talks he now?
SUBTLE
Of the Senora.
FACE
O, Don, This is the lioness,
SUBTLE which you shall see Also, my Don.

'Slid, Subtle, how shall we do?

FACE
For what?

SUBTLE
Why Dol's employed, you know.

FACE
 SUBTLE That's true.
'Fore heaven, I know not: he must stay, that's all.

FACE Stay! That he must not by no means.

SUBTLE No! Why?

FACE
Unless you'll mar all. 'Slight, he will suspect it: And then he
will not pay, not half so well.
This is a travelled punk-master, and does know All the
delays; a notable hot rascal,
And looks already rampant.

'Sdeath, and Mammon

SUBTLE
Must not be troubled.

Mammon! In no case.
FACE

What shall we do then?

SUBTLE
Think: you must be sudden.
FACE
Entiendo que la senora es tan hermosa, que codicio tan
PERTINAX verla, como la bien aventuranza de mi vida.
SURLY
Mi vida! ’Slid, Subtle, he puts me in mind of the widow.
FACE What dost thou say to draw her to it, ha!
And tell her 'tis her fortune? All our venture Now lies
upon't. It is but one man more, Which of us chance to have
her: and beside, There is no maidenhead to be feared or lost.
What dost thou think on't, Subtle?

Who? I? Why—

The credit of our house too is engaged.

SUBTLE

You made me an offer for my share erewhile. What wilt

FACE
thou give me, i'faith?
SUBTLE
 O, by that light
FACE I’ll not buy now: You know your doom to me.
E’en take your lot, obey your chance, sir; win her, And
wear her out, for me.

’Slight, I’ll not work her then.

SUBTLE
It is the common cause; therefore bethink you. Dol else
FACE must know it, as you said.

I care not.
SUBTLE
Senores, porque se tarda tanto?
PERTINAX

SURLY
Faith, I am not fit, I am old.

That’s now no reason, sir.

SUBTLE

Puede ser de hazer burla de mi amor?

FACE

PERTINAX You hear the Don too? By this air, I call,

And loose the hinges: Dol!
SURLY
A plague of hell—
FACE
Will you then do?

SUBTLE You are a terrible rogue!

I’ll think of this: will you, sir, call the widow?
FACE
Yes, and I’ll take her too with all her faults,
SUBTLE Now I do think on’t better.

With all my heart, sir;

FACE Am I discharged o’ the lot?
 FACE As you please.

SUBTLE Hands.

(They take hands.)

FACE
Remember now, that upon any change,
You never claim her.

Much good joy, and health to you, sir,

SUBTLE
Marry a whore! Fate, let me wed a witch first.

Por estas honradas barbas—

PERTINAX
SURLY

He swears by his beard.

SUBTLE
Dispatch, and call the brother too.

(Exit FACE.)

Tengo duda, senores,

PERTINAX que no me hagan alguna traycion.
SURLY
How, issue on? Yes, praesto, sennor. Please you
SUBTLE Enthratha the chambrata, worthy Don:
Where if you please the fates, in your bathada,
You shall be soaked, and stroked, and tubbed and rubbed,
And scrubbed, and fubbed, dear Don, before you go.
You shall in faith, my scurvy baboon Don,
Be curried, clawed, and flawed, and tawed, indeed.
I will the heartlier go about it now,
And make the widow a punk so much the sooner,
To be revenged on this impetuous Face:
The quickly doing of it is the grace.

(Exeunt SUBTLE and SURLY.)

 SCENE II

Another room in the same.

(Enter FACE, KASTRIL, and DAME PLIANT.)

FACE Come, lady: I knew the Doctor would not leave, Till he
had found the very nick of her fortune.

KASTRIL To be a countess, say you, a Spanish countess, sir?

DAME PLIANT Why, is that better than an English countess?

FACE Better! 'Slight, make you that a question, lady? KASTRIL

Nay, she is a fool, Captain, you must pardon her.

FACE Ask from your courtier, to your inns-of-court-man, To

your mere milliner; they will tell you all, Your Spanish
jennet is the best horse; your Spanish Stoop is the best
garb; your Spanish beard Is the best cut; your Spanish
ruffs are the best Wear; your Spanish pavan the best
dance;
Your Spanish titillation in a glove
The best perfume: and for your Spanish pike, And
Spanish blade, let your poor Captain speak— Here
comes the Doctor.

(Enter SUBTLE, with a paper.)

SUBTLE My most honoured lady,

For so I am now to style you, having found By this my
scheme, you are to undergo An honourable fortune,
very shortly. What will you say now, if some—
 FACE I have told her all, sir,
And her right worshipful brother here, that she shall be
A countess; do not delay them, sir; a Spanish countess.

SUBTLE Still, my scarce-worshipful Captain, you can keep No

secret! Well, since he has told you, madam, Do you
forgive him, and I do.

KASTRIL She shall do that, sir;

I’ll look to it, ’tis my charge.

SUBTLE Well then: nought rests

But that she fit her love now to her fortune.

DAME PLIANT Truly I shall never brook a Spaniard.

SUBTLE No!

DAME PLIANT Never since eighty-eight could I abide them,

And that was some three year afore I was born, in truth.
SUBTLE Come, you must love him, or be miserable, Choose
which you will.

FACE By this good rush, persuade her,

She will cry strawberries else within this twelvemonth.

SUBTLE Nay, shads and mackerel, which is worse.

FACE Indeed, sir!

KASTRIL Od’s lid, you shall love him, or I’ll kick you.

DAME PLIANT Why,

I’ll do as you will have me, brother.

KASTRIL Do, Or by this hand I’ll maul

you.
 FACE Nay, good sir,
Be not so fierce.

SUBTLE No, my enraged child;

She will be ruled. What, when she comes to taste The
pleasures of a countess! To be courted—

FACE And kissed, and ruffled!

SUBTLE Ay, behind the hangings.

FACE
And then come forth in pomp!

SUBTLE
And know her state!

Of keeping all the idolaters of the chamber Barer to

FACE
her, than at their prayers!

Is served
SUBTLE
Upon the knee!

And has her pages, ushers,

FACE
Footmen, and coaches—

Her six mares—

SUBTLE
Nay, eight!
FACE
To hurry her through London, to the Exchange,
SUBTLE Bedlam, the china-houses—

Yes, and have

The FACE citizens gape at her, and praise her tires, And my
lord's goose-turd bands, that ride with her!

Most brave! By this hand, you are not my sister, If

you KASTRIL refuse.

I will not refuse, brother.

DAME PLIANT
 (Enter SURLY.)

Que es esto, senores, que no venga?

PERTINAX
Esta tardanza me mata!
SURLY

It is the Count come:

FACE
The Doctor knew he would be here, by his art.

En gallanta madama, Don! Gallantissima!

SUBTLE
Por todos los dioses, la mas acabada hermosura,
PERTINAX que he visto en mi vida!
SURLY Is't not a gallant language that they speak?

FACE An admirable language! Is't not French?

KASTRIL No, Spanish, sir.

FACE It goes like law-French,

And that, they say, is the courtliest language.
KASTRIL
List, sir.

El sol ha perdido su lumbre, con el

FACE
Esplandor que trae esta dama! Valgame Dios!
PERTINAX
He admires your sister.
SURLY Must not she make curtsey?
FACE 'Ods will, she must go to him, man, and kiss him! It
is the Spanish fashion, for the women To make first
KASTRIL
court.
SUBTLE 'Tis true he tells you, sir:
His art knows all.

Porque no se acude?
FACE
 SURLY
KASTRIL He speaks to her, I think.
FACE That he does, sir.

PERTINAX Por el amor de Dios, que es esto que se tarda?

SURLY

KASTRIL Nay, see: she will not understand him! Gull,

Noddy.

DAME PLIANT What say you, brother?

KASTRIL Ass, my sister.

Go kiss him, as the cunning man would have you;
I’ll thrust a pin in your buttocks else.

FACE O no, sir.

PERTINAX Senora mia, mi persona esta muy indigna de

SURLY Allegara tanta hermosura.

FACE Does he not use her bravely?

KASTRIL Bravely, i’faith!

FACE Nay, he will use her better.

KASTRIL Do you think so?

PERTINAX Senora, si sera servida, entremonos.

SURLY

(Exit With DAME PLIANT.)

KASTRIL Where does he carry her?

FACE
Into the garden, sir;
 Take you no thought: I must interpret for her.

SUBTLE Give Dol the word.

(Aside to FACE, who goes out.)
—Come, my fierce child, advance,
We'll to our quarrelling lesson again.

KASTRIL Agreed.
I love a Spanish boy with all my heart.

SUBTLE Nay, and by this means, sir, you shall be brother

To a great count.

KASTRIL Ay, I knew that at first,

This match will advance the house of the Kastrils.

SUBTLE 'Pray God your sister prove but pliant!

KASTRIL Why,
Her name is so, by her other husband.
SUBTLE How!

KASTRIL The widow Pliant. Knew you not that?

SUBTLE No, faith, sir;

Yet, by erection of her figure, I guessed it. Come,
let's go practise.

KASTRIL Yes, but do you think, Doctor, I

e'er shall quarrel well?

SUBTLE I warrant you.

(Exeunt.)

SCENE III
 Another room in the same.
(Enter DOL in her fit of raving, followed by
MAMMON.)
DOL COMMON “For after Alexander’s death”—

SIR EPICURE Good lady—

MAMMON

DOL COMMON “That Perdiccas and Antigonus, were slain, The two
that stood, Seleuc’, and Ptolomee”—

SIR EPICURE Madam—

MAMMON

DOL COMMON “Made up the two legs, and the fourth beast, That
was Gog-north, and Egypt-south: which after Was
called Gog-iron-leg and South-iron-leg”—

SIR EPICURE Lady—

MAMMON

DOL COMMON “And then Gog-horned. So was Egypt, too: Then

Egypt-clay-leg, and Gog-clay-leg”—

SIR EPICURE Sweet madam—

MAMMON

DOL COMMON “And last Gog-dust, and Egypt-dust, which fall In the
last link of the fourth chain. And these Be stars in
story, which none see, or look at”—

SIR EPICURE What shall I do?

MAMMON

DOL COMMON “For,” as he says, “except

We call the Rabbins, and the heathen Greeks”—

SIR EPICURE Dear lady—

 MAMMON
DOL COMMON “To come from Salem, and from Athens, And
teach the people of Great Britain”—

(Enter FACE, hastily, in his servant’s dress.)

FACE What's the matter, sir?

DOL COMMON “To speak the tongue of Eber, and Javan”—

SIR EPICURE O,
MAMMON She's in her fit.

DOL COMMON “We shall know nothing”—

FACE Death, sir, We are

undone!

DOL COMMON “Where then a learned linguist

Shall see the ancient used communion Of vowels
and consonants”—

FACE My master will hear!

DOL COMMON “A wisdom, which Pythagoras held most high”—

SIR EPICURE Sweet honourable lady!

MAMMON

DOL COMMON “To comprise

All sounds of voices, in few marks of letters”—

FACE Nay, you must never hope to lay her now.

(They all speak together.)

DOL COMMON “And so we may arrive by Talmud skill, And

profane Greek, to raise the building up
 Of Helen’s house against the Ismaelite, King of
Thogarma, and his habergions Brimstony, blue, and
fiery; and the force Of king Abaddon, and the beast of
Cittim: Which rabbi David Kimchi, Onkelos, And Aben
Ezra do interpret Rome.”

How did you put her into’t?

FACE
Alas, I talked
SIR EPICURE Of a fifth monarchy I would erect,
MAMMON With the philosopher’s stone, by chance, and she Falls
on the other four straight.

Out of Broughton!
FACE
I told you so. ’Slid, stop her mouth.

Is’t best?
SIR EPICURE
MAMMON
She’ll never leave else. If the old man hear her, We are
but faeces, ashes.
FACE

(Within.) What’s to do there?

SUBTLE O, we are lost! Now she hears him, she is quiet.
FACE (Enter SUBTLE, they run different ways.)

Where shall I hide me!

SIR EPICURE
MAMMON How! What sight is here?
Close deeds of darkness, and that shun the light! Bring
SUBTLE him again. Who is he? What, my son!
O, I have lived too long.

Nay, good, dear Father,

There was no unchaste purpose.
SIR EPICURE
MAMMON
SIR EPICURE
Not? And flee me
MAMMON That was my error.

SUBTLE Error?
Guilt, guilt, my son: give it the right name. No marvel,
If I found check in our great work within,
When such affairs as these were managing!

SIR EPICURE Why, have you so?

MAMMON

SUBTLE
It has stood still this half hour: And all
the rest of our less works gone back. Where is the
instrument of wickedness, My lewd false drudge?

SIR EPICURE Nay, good sir, blame not him; Believe

MAMMON me, 'twas against his will or knowledge: I saw her by
chance.

SUBTLE Will you commit more sin,

To excuse a varlet?

SIR EPICURE By my hope, 'tis true, sir.

MAMMON

SUBTLE Nay, then I wonder less, if you, for whom

The blessing was prepared, would so tempt heaven,
And lose your fortunes.

SIR EPICURE Why, sir?

MAMMON

SUBTLE This will retard The work a

month at least.
SUBTLE
When I come in?
SIR EPICURE Why, if it do,
MAMMON What remedy? But think it not, good Father:
Our purposes were honest.

SUBTLE As they were,

So the reward will prove.
(A loud explosion within.)
—How now! Ah me!
God, and all saints be good to us.—

(Re-enter FACE.)

What's that?

FACE O, sir, we are defeated! All the works

Are flown in fumo, every glass is burst;
Furnace, and all rent down, as if a bolt
Of thunder had been driven through the house. Retorts,
receivers, pelicans, bolt-heads, All struck in shivers!
(SUBTLE falls down as in a swoon.)
Help, good sir! Alas,
Coldness and death invades him. Nay, Sir Mammon,
Do the fair offices of a man! You stand,
As you were readier to depart than he.
(Knocking within.)
Who's there? My lord her brother is come.

SIR EPICURE Ha, Lungs!

MAMMON

FACE His coach is at the door. Avoid his sight,

For he's as furious as his sister's mad.

SIR EPICURE Alas!

MAMMON
 FACE My brain is quite undone with the fume, sir,
I ne’er must hope to be mine own man again.

SIR EPICURE Is all lost, Lungs? Will nothing be preserved

MAMMON Of all our cost?

FACE Faith, very little, sir;

A peck of coals or so, which is cold comfort, sir.

SIR EPICURE
O, my voluptuous mind! I am justly punished.
MAMMON

FACE
And so am I, sir.

Cast from all my hopes—

SIR EPICURE
MAMMON

Nay, certainties, sir.

FACE

By mine own base affections.

SIR EPICURE
MAMMON

(Seeming to come to himself.) O, the curst fruits of

SUBTLE
vice and lust!

Good Father, It was my sin.

SIR EPICURE Forgive it.
MAMMON
Hangs my roof
SUBTLE Over us still, and will not fall, O justice, Upon us, for
this wicked man!

Nay, look, sir,

FACE You grieve him now with staying in his sight:
Good sir, the nobleman will come too, and take you,
And that may breed a tragedy.

SIR EPICURE I’ll go.

MAMMON
 Ay, and repent at home, sir. It may be,
FACE For some good penance you may have it yet;
A hundred pound to the box at Bedlam—

Yes.
SIR EPICURE
MAMMON
For the restoring such as—have their wits.
FACE
I’ll do’t.
SIR EPICURE
MAMMON
I’ll send one to you to receive it.
FACE
Do.
SIR EPICURE Is no projection left?
MAMMON
All flown, or stinks, sir.
FACE
Will nought be saved that’s good for medicine, think’st
SIR EPICURE
thou?
MAMMON
I cannot tell, sir. There will be perhaps,
FACE
Something about the scraping of the shards,
Will cure the itch—though not your itch of mind, sir.
(Aside.)
It shall be saved for you, and sent home. Good sir, This
way, for fear the lord should meet you.

(Exit MAMMON.)

(Raising his head.) Face!

SUBTLE Ay.

FACE
Is he gone?
FACE Yes, and as heavily
SUBTLE
 As all the gold he hoped for were in’s blood.
Let us be light though.

SUBTLE (Leaping up.) Ay, as balls, and bound

And hit our heads against the roof for joy: There’s so
much of our care now cast away.

FACE
Now to our Don.

SUBTLE
Yes, your young widow by this time Is made a
countess, Face; she has been in travail Of a young heir for
you.

Good sir.
FACE

Off with your case,

SUBTLE
And greet her kindly, as a bridegroom should,
After these common hazards.

Very well, sir.

FACE
Will you go fetch Don Diego off, the while?

And fetch him over too, if you’ll be pleased, sir: Would

SUBTLE Dol were in her place, to pick his pockets now!

Why, you can do’t as well, if you would set to’t.

FACE I pray you prove your virtue.

For your sake sir.

SUBTLE
(Exeunt.)

SCENE IV
 Another room in the same.

(Enter SURLY and DAME PLIANT.)

PERTINAX Lady, you see into what hands you are fallen;
SURLY 'Mongst what a nest of villains! And how near Your
honour was t' have catched a certain clap, Through your
credulity, had I but been So punctually forward, as place,
time, And other circumstances would have made a man;
For you're a handsome woman: would you were wise too!
I am a gentleman come here disguised, Only to find the
knaveries of this citadel;
And where I might have wronged your honour, and have
not,
I claim some interest in your love. You are, They say, a
widow, rich: and I'm a bachelor, Worth nought: your
fortunes may make me a man, As mine have preserved
you a woman. Think upon it, And whether I have
deserved you or no.

DAME PLIANT I will, sir.

PERTINAX And for these household-rogues, let me alone SURLY To

treat with them.

(Enter SUBTLE.)

SUBTLE How doth my noble Diego,

And my dear madam Countess? Hath the Count Been
courteous, lady? Liberal, and open? Donzel, methinks you
look melancholic, After your coitum, and scurvy: truly, I
do not like the dullness of your eye; It hath a heavy cast,
'tis upsee Dutch, And says you are a lumpish
whoremaster. Be lighter, and I will make your pockets so.
(Attempts to pick them.)
 (Throws open his cloak.) Will you, don bawd and
PERTINAX
pickpurse?
SURLY
(Strikes him down.)
How now! Reel you?
Stand up, sir, you shall find, since I am so heavy, I’ll give
you equal weight.

Help! Murder!
SUBTLE
No, sir,
PERTINAX There’s no such thing intended: a good cart, And a clean
SURLY whip shall ease you of that fear.
I am the Spanish Don “that should be cozened, Do you see,
cozened?” Where’s your Captain Face, That parcel broker,
and whole-bawd, all rascal!

(Enter FACE, in his uniform.)

How, Surly!
FACE
O, make your approach, good Captain.
PERTINAX I have found from whence your copper rings and spoons
SURLY Come, now, wherewith you cheat abroad in taverns. ’Twas
here you learned t’ anoint your boot with brimstone, Then
rub men’s gold on’t for a kind of touch, And say ’twas naught, when
you had changed the colour, That you might have’t for nothing. And
this Doctor, Your sooty, smoky-bearded compeer, he Will close you
so much gold, in a bolt’s head, And, on a turn, convey in the stead
another
With sublimed mercury, that shall burst in the heat, And
fly out all infumo! Then weeps Mammon;
Then swoons his worship.

(FACE slips out.)

Or, he is the Faustus,

 That casteth figures and can conjure, cures Plagues, piles,
and pox, by the ephemerides,
And holds intelligence with all the bawds
And midwives of three shires: while you send in—
Captain!—what! Is he gone?—damsels with child, Wives
that are barren, or the waiting-maid With the green
sickness.
(Seizes SUBTLE as he is retiring.)
—Nay, sir, you must tarry,
Though he be 'scaped; and answer by the ears, sir.

(Re-enter FACE, with KASTRIL.)

FACE
Why, now's the time, if ever you will quarrel
Well, as they say, and be a true-born child:
The Doctor and your sister both are abused.

Where is he? Which is he? He is a slave, Whate'er he is,

KASTRIL
and the son of a whore.—Are you The man, sir, I would
know?

I should be loath, sir,

PERTINAX
To confess so much.
SURLY

Then you lie in your throat.

KASTRIL

How!
PERTINAX
SURLY
(To KASTRIL.) A very errant rogue, sir, and a cheater,
FACE
Employed here by another conjurer
That does not love the Doctor, and would cross him, If he
knew how.

Sir, you are abused.

PERTINAX
SURLY
You lie:
KASTRIL
 And 'tis no matter.

FACE Well said, sir! He is

The impudent'st rascal—

PERTINAX
You are indeed: Will you hear me, sir?
SURLY

By no means: bid him be gone.

FACE

Begone, sir, quickly.

KASTRIL

This 's strange!—Lady, do you inform your brother.

PERTINAX

SURLY There is not such a foist in all the town,

The Doctor had him presently; and finds yet,
FACE
The Spanish Count will come here.
(Aside.)
—Bear up, Subtle.

Yes, sir, he must appear within this hour.

SUBTLE And yet this rogue would come in a disguise,

By the temptation of another spirit,
FACE To trouble our art, though he could not hurt it!

Ay,
I know—
KASTRIL (To his sister.)
Away, you talk like a foolish mauther.

Sir, all is truth she says.

PERTINAX
SURLY
Do not believe him, sir.
He is the lying'st swabber! Come your ways, sir.
FACE
You are valiant out of company!

PERTINAX
 SURLY Yes, how then, sir?

KASTRIL (Enter DRUGGER, with a piece of damask.)

Nay, here's an honest fellow, too, that knows him,

And all his tricks. Make good what I say, Abel,
FACE (Aside to DRUGGER.)
This cheater would have cozened thee o' the widow.—
He owes this honest Drugger here, seven pound,
He has had on him, in twopenny 'orths of tobacco.

Yes, sir. And he has damned himself three terms to pay me.

And what does he owe for lotium?

DRUGGER

Thirty shillings, sir;

FACE
And for six syringes.
DRUGGER Hydra of villainy!

PERTINAX Nay, sir, you must quarrel him out o' the house.
SURLY
I will:
FACE —Sir, if you get not out of doors, you lie;
And you are a pimp.
KASTRIL
Why, this is madness, sir,
Not valour in you; I must laugh at this.

PERTINAX It is my humour: you are a pimp and a trig,

SURLY And an Amadis de Gaul, or a Don Quixote.

KASTRIL Or a knight o' the curious coxcomb, do you see?

(Enter ANANIAS.)
DRUGGER
 ANANIAS Peace to the household!
KASTRIL I’ll keep peace for no man.
ANANIAS Casting of dollars is concluded lawful.

KASTRIL Is he the constable?

SUBTLE Peace, Ananias.

FACE No, sir.

KASTRIL Then you are an otter, and a shad, a whit, A very

tim.

PERTINAX You’ll hear me, sir?

SURLY

KASTRIL I will not.

ANANIAS What is the motive?

SUBTLE Zeal in the young gentleman,

Against his Spanish slops.

ANANIAS They are profane,

Lewd, superstitious, and idolatrous breeches.

PERTINAX New rascals!

SURLY

KASTRIL Will you begone, sir?

ANANIAS Avoid, Satan!

Thou art not of the light: That ruff of pride
About thy neck, betrays thee; and is the same
With that which the unclean birds, in seventy-seven,
Were seen to prank it with on divers coasts:
Thou look’st like Antichrist, in that lewd hat.
PERTINAX I must give way.
SURLY

KASTRIL Be gone, sir.

PERTINAX But I’ll take A course

SURLY with you—

ANANIAS Depart, proud Spanish fiend!

PERTINAX Captain and Doctor.

SURLY

ANANIAS Child of perdition!

KASTRIL Hence, sir!—

(Exit SURLY.)

Did I not quarrel bravely?

FACE Yes, indeed, sir.

KASTRIL Nay, an I give my mind to’t, I shall do’t.

FACE O, you must follow, sir, and threaten him tame:

He’ll turn again else.

KASTRIL I’ll return him then.

(Exit.)

(SUBTLE takes ANANIAS aside.)

FACE
Drugger, this rogue prevented us for thee:
We had determined that thou should’st have
come In a Spanish suit, and have carried her so;
and he, A brokerly slave! Goes, puts it on
himself.
Hast brought the damask?
DRUGGER Yes, sir.

FACE Thou must borrow

A Spanish suit. Hast thou no credit with the players?

DRUGGER Yes, sir; did you never see me play the Fool?

FACE I know not, Nab: (Aside.)—Thou shalt, if I can help it.—

Hieronimo's old cloak, ruff, and hat will serve;
I’ll tell thee more when thou bring'st 'em.

(Exit DRUGGER.)

ANANIAS
Sir, I know
The Spaniard hates the Brethren, and hath spies
Upon their actions: and that this was one
I make no scruple.—But the holy Synod
Have been in prayer and meditation for it;
And 'tis revealed no less to them than me, That casting of money is
most lawful.

SUBTLE True.
But here I cannot do it: if the house
Should chance to be suspected, all would out,
And we be locked up in the Tower forever,
To make gold there for the state, never come out;
And then are you defeated.

ANANIAS I will tell

This to the Elders and the weaker Brethren,
That the whole company of the separation May join in humble
prayer again.

SUBTLE And fasting.

ANANIAS Yea, for some fitter place. The peace of mind

Rest with these walls!
 (Exit.)

SUBTLE Thanks, courteous Ananias.

FACE What did he come for?

SUBTLE
About casting dollars,
Presently out of hand. And so I told him,
A Spanish minister came here to spy, Against the
faithful—

I conceive. Come, Subtle,

FACE
Thou art so down upon the least disaster!
How wouldst thou ha' done, if I had not help't thee out?

I thank thee, Face, for the angry boy, i'faith.

SUBTLE

Who would have looked it should have been that rascal,

FACE
Surly? He had dyed his beard and all. Well, sir.
Here's damask come to make you a suit.

Where's Drugger?
SUBTLE
He is gone to borrow me a Spanish habit;
FACE I'll be the count, now.

But where's the widow?

SUBTLE
Within, with my lord's sister; Madam Dol
FACE Is entertaining her.

By your favour, Face,

SUBTLE Now she is honest, I will stand again.

You will not offer it.

FACE
Why?
SUBTLE
Stand to your word,
FACE
 Or—here comes Dol, she knows—
SUBTLE You are tyrannous still.

(Enter DOL, hastily.)

FACE Strict for my right.—How now, Dol!

Hast [thou] told her,
The Spanish count will come?

DOL COMMON Yes; but another is come, You little

looked for!

FACE Who's that?

DOL COMMON Your master; The master of

the house.

SUBTLE How, Dol!

FACE
She lies,
This is some trick. Come, leave your quiblins,
Dorothy.
DOL COMMON Look out, and see.

(FACE goes to the window.)

SUBTLE Art thou in earnest?

DOL COMMON 'Slight,

Forty of the neighbours are about him, talking.

FACE 'Tis he, by this good day.

DOL COMMON 'Twill prove ill day For some on

us.

FACE We are undone, and taken.

DOL COMMON Lost, I’m afraid.

SUBTLE You said he would not come,

While there died one a week within the liberties.

FACE No: ’twas within the walls.

SUBTLE
Was’t so! Cry you mercy.
I thought the liberties. What shall we do now, Face?

FACE
Be silent: not a word, if he call or knock. I’ll into mine
old shape again and meet him, Of Jeremy, the butler. In
the meantime, Do you two pack up all the goods and
purchase, That we can carry in the two trunks. I’ll keep
him Off for today, if I cannot longer: and then At night,
I’ll ship you both away to Ratcliff, Where we will meet
tomorrow, and there we’ll share. Let Mammon’s brass
and pewter keep the cellar; We’ll have another time for
that. But, Dol, Prithee go heat a little water quickly;
Subtle must shave me: all my Captain’s beard Must off,
to make me appear smooth Jeremy. You’ll do it?

Yes, I’ll shave you, as well as I can.

And not cut my throat, but trim me?

SUBTLE You shall see, sir.

FACE (Exeunt.)

SUBTLE
 ACT V

SCENE I

Before LOVEWIT’S door.

(Enter LOVEWIT, with several of the
NEIGHBOURS.)
LOVEWIT Has there been such resort, say you?

1 NEIGHBOUR Daily, sir.

2 NEIGHBOUR And nightly, too.

3 NEIGHBOUR Ay, some as brave as lords.

4 NEIGHBOUR Ladies and gentlewomen.

5 NEIGHBOUR Citizens’ wives.

1 NEIGHBOUR And knights.

6 NEIGHBOUR In coaches.

2 NEIGHBOUR Yes, and oyster women.

1 NEIGHBOUR Beside other gallants.

3 NEIGHBOUR
Sailors’ wives.
5 NEIGHBOUR Another Pimlico!
LOVEWIT What should my knave advance,
To draw this company? He hung out no banners Of
a strange calf with five legs to be seen, Or a huge
lobster with six claws?

6 NEIGHBOUR No, sir.

3 NEIGHBOUR We had gone in then, sir.

LOVEWIT He has no gift

Of teaching in the nose that e'er I knew of. You
saw no bills set up that promised cure Of agues, or
the toothache?

2 NEIGHBOUR No such thing, sir!

LOVEWIT Nor heard a drum struck for baboons or puppets?

5 NEIGHBOUR Neither, sir.

LOVEWIT
What device should he bring forth now?
I love a teeming wit as I love my nourishment:
'Pray God he have not kept such open house, That
he hath sold my hangings, and my bedding! I left
him nothing else. If he have eat them, A plague o'
the moth, say I! Sure he has got Some bawdy
pictures to call all this ging! The friar and the nun;
or the new motion Of the knight's courser covering
the parson's mare; Or 't may be, he has the fleas
that run at tilt Upon a table, or some dog to dance.
When saw you him?

1 NEIGHBOUR Who, sir, Jeremy?

4 NEIGHBOUR Tobacco men.
2 NEIGHBOUR Jeremy butler?
We saw him not this month.

LOVEWIT How!

4 NEIGHBOUR Not these five weeks, sir.

6 NEIGHBOUR These six weeks at the least.

LOVEWIT You amaze me, neighbours!

5 NEIGHBOUR
Sure, if your worship know not where he is, He's slipt
away.

6 NEIGHBOUR Pray God, he be not made away.

LOVEWIT Ha! It's no time to question, then.

(Knocks at the door.)

6 NEIGHBOUR
About
Some three weeks since, I heard a doleful cry, As I sat
up a mending my wife's stockings.

LOVEWIT 'Tis strange that none will answer! Didst thou hear A
cry, sayst thou?
6 NEIGHBOUR
Yes, sir, like unto a man
That had been strangled an hour, and could not speak.
2 NEIGHBOUR
I heard it too, just this day three weeks, at two o'clock
Next morning.

LOVEWIT These be miracles, or you make them so!

A man an hour strangled, and could not speak, And
both you heard him cry?

Yes, downward,
3 NEIGHBOUR sir.
 LOVEWIT Thou art a wise fellow. Give me thy hand, I pray
thee. What trade art thou on?

3 NEIGHBOUR A smith, and't please your worship.

LOVEWIT A smith! Then lend me thy help to get this door open.
3 NEIGHBOUR That I will presently, sir, but fetch my tools—

(Exit.)

1 NEIGHBOUR Sir, best to knock again, afore you break it.

LOVEWIT I will. (Knocks again.)

(Enter FACE, in his butler S livery.)

FACE What mean you, sir?

1, 2, 4 O, here's Jeremy!
NEIGHBOUR

FACE Good sir, come from the door.

LOVEWIT Why, what's the matter?

FACE Yet farther, you are too near yet.

LOVEWIT In the name of wonder, What

means the fellow!

FACE The house, sir, has been visited.

LOVEWIT What, with the plague? Stand thou then farther.

FACE
No, sir, I had it not.

LOVEWIT Who had it then? I left

 None else but thee in the house.

FACE Yes, sir, my fellow,

The cat that kept the buttery, had it on her A week before I
spied it; but I got her Conveyed away in the night: and so I
shut The house up for a month—

How!
LOVEWIT
Purposing then, sir, To have burnt
FACE
rose-vinegar, treacle, and tar, And have made it sweet, that
you should ne'er have known it;
Because I knew the news would but afflict you, sir.

Breathe less, and farther off! Why this is stranger: The

neighbours tell me all here that the doors Have still been
open—
LOVEWIT

How, sir!

Gallants, men and women, And of all

FACE sorts, tag-rag, been seen to flock here In threaves, these ten
weeks, as to a second Hogsden, In days of Pimlico and Eye-
LOVEWIT
bright.

Sir, Their wisdoms will not say so.

Today they speak

FACE Of coaches and gallants; one in a French hood Went in, they
tell me; and another was seen In a velvet gown at the
window: divers more Pass in and out.
LOVEWIT
They did pass through the doors then,
Or walls, I assure their eyesights, and their spectacles;

FACE
 For here, sir, are the keys, and here have been, In this
my pocket, now above twenty days: And for before, I
kept the fort alone there. But that 'tis yet not deep in
the afternoon, I should believe my neighbours had
seen double Through the black pot, and made these
apparitions! For, on my faith to your worship, for these
three weeks And upwards the door has not been
opened.

LOVEWIT Strange!

1 NEIGHBOUR Good faith, I think I saw a coach.

2 NEIGHBOUR
And I too, I'd have been sworn.

LOVEWIT Do you but think it now?

And but one coach?
4 NEIGHBOUR
We cannot tell, sir: Jeremy Is a very
honest fellow.

FACE Did you see me at all?

1 NEIGHBOUR No; that we are sure on.

2 NEIGHBOUR I'll be sworn o' that.

LOVEWIT Fine rogues to have your testimonies built on!

(Re-enter 3 NEIGHBOUR, with his tools.)

3 NEIGHBOUR Is Jeremy come!

1 NEIGHBOUR
O yes; you may leave your tools;
We were deceived, he says.

2 NEIGHBOUR He has had the keys;

And the door has been shut these three weeks.
3 NEIGHBOUR Like enough.
LOVEWIT Peace, and get hence, you changelings.

(Enter SURLY and MAMMON.)

FACE (Aside.) Surly come!

And Mammon made acquainted! They’ll tell all.
How shall I beat them off? What shall I do? Nothing’s
more wretched than a guilty conscience.

PERTINAX No, sir, he was a great physician. This, It was no

SURLY bawdyhouse, but a mere chancel! You knew the lord and
his sister.

SIR EPICURE Nay, good Surly.—

MAMMON

PERTINAX The happy word, Be Rich—

SURLY

SIR EPICURE Play not the tyrant.—

MAMMON

PERTINAX “Should be today pronounced to all your friends.” And

SURLY where be your andirons now? And your brass pots, That
should have been golden flagons, and great wedges?

SIR EPICURE Let me but breathe. What, they have shut their doors,
MAMMON Methinks!

PERTINAX Ay, now ’tis holiday with them.

SURLY

SIR EPICURE
MAMMON Rogues, (He and SURLY knock.)
Cozeners, imposters, bawds!
SIR EPICURE
MAMMON To enter if we can.

FACE Another man’s house!

Here is the owner, sir: turn you to him, And
speak your business.

SIR EPICURE Are you, sir, the owner?

MAMMON

LOVEWIT Yes, sir.

SIR EPICURE And are those knaves within your

MAMMON cheaters!

LOVEWIT What knaves, what cheaters?

SIR EPICURE Subtle and his Lungs.

MAMMON
FACE What mean you, sir?
FACE The gentleman is distracted, sir! No lungs,
Nor lights have been seen here these three weeks, sir,
Within these doors, upon my word.

PERTINAX Your word, Groom

SURLY arrogant!

FACE Yes, sir, I am the housekeeper,

And know the keys have not been out of my hands.

PERTINAX This is a new Face.

SURLY

FACE You do mistake the house, sir:

What sign was’t at?

PERTINAX You rascal! This is one

 SURLY Of the confederacy. Come, let's get officers, And force the
door.

LOVEWIT 'Pray you stay, gentlemen.

PERTINAX No, sir, we'll come with warrant.

SURLY

SIR EPICURE
Ay, and then
MAMMON
We shall have your doors open.

(Exeunt MAMMON and SURLY.)

What means this?

LOVEWIT

I cannot tell, sir.

FACE
These are two of the gallants
1 NEIGHBOUR That we do think we saw.

Two of the fools!

FACE
Your talk as idly as they. Good faith, sir,
I think the moon has crazed 'em all.—
(Aside.)
O me,

(Enter KASTRIL.)

The angry boy come too! He'll make a noise, And ne'er away
till he have betrayed us all.

(Knocking.)
KASTRIL
What rogues, bawds, slaves, you'll open the door, anon!
Punk, cockatrice, my sister! By this light
I'll fetch the marshal to you. You are a whore To keep your
castle—

Who would you speak with, sir?

FACE
 KASTRIL The bawdy Doctor, and the cozening Captain,
And puss my sister.

LOVEWIT This is something, sure.

FACE Upon my trust, the doors were never open, sir.

KASTRIL I have heard all their tricks told me twice over,
By the fat knight and the lean gentleman.

LOVEWIT Here comes another.

(Enter ANANIAS and TRIBULATION.)

FACE Ananias too!

And his pastor!

TRIBULATION (Beating at the door.)

WHOLESOME The doors are shut against us.

ANANIAS Come forth, you seed of sulphur, sons of fire!

Your stench it is broke forth; abomination Is in
the house.

KASTRIL Ay, my sister’s there.

ANANIAS The place,

It is become a cage of unclean birds.

KASTRIL
Yes, I will fetch the scavenger, and the
constable.
TRIBULATION You shall do well.
WHOLESOME

ANANIAS We’ll join to weed them out.

KASTRIL You will not come then, punk devise, my sister!

ANANIAS Call her not sister; she’s a harlot verily.

 KASTRIL I’ll raise the street.
LOVEWIT Good gentlemen, a word.

ANANIAS Satan avoid, and hinder not our zeal!

(Exeunt ANANIAS, TRIBULATION, and KASTRIL.)

LOVEWIT The world’s turned Bedlam.

FACE These are all broke loose,

Out of St. Katherine’s, where they use to keep
The better sort of mad-folks.
1 NEIGHBOUR
All these persons
We saw go in and out here.

2 NEIGHBOUR Yes, indeed, sir.

3 NEIGHBOUR These were the parties.

FACE Peace, you drunkards! Sir,

I wonder at it: please you to give me leave
To touch the door, I’ll try an the lock be changed.

LOVEWIT It mazes me!

FACE
(Goes to the door.) Good faith, sir, I believe There’s
no such thing: ’tis all deceptio visus.— (Aside.)
Would I could get him away.

DAPPER
(Within.) Master Captain! Master
Doctor!
LOVEWIT Who’s that?

FACE
(Aside.) Our clerk within, that I forgot! I know not, sir.
 DAPPER (Within.) For God's sake, when will her Grace be at leisure?

Ha!
FACE Illusions, some spirit o' the air—
(Aside.) His gag is melted,
And now he sets out the throat.

(Within.) I am almost stifled—

DAPPER
(Aside.) Would you were altogether.
FACE
'Tis in the house.
Ha! List.
LOVEWIT

Believe it, sir, in the air.

FACE Peace, you.
LOVEWIT (Within.) Mine aunt's Grace does not use me well.
DAPPER (Within.) You fool,
Peace, you'll mar all.
SUBTLE
(Speaks through the keyhole, while LOVEWIT advances to the
door unobserved.)
FACE Or you will else, you rogue.

O, is it so? Then you converse with spirits!— Come, sir. No

more of your tricks, good Jeremy. The truth, the shortest
LOVEWIT way.

Dismiss this rabble, sir.—

(Aside.) What shall I do? I am catched.
FACE
Good neighbours,
I thank you all. You may depart.
LOVEWIT
(Exeunt NEIGHBOURS.)

—Come, sir, You know that I am an

indulgent master; And therefore conceal nothing. What’s your
 medicine, To draw so many several sorts of wild fowl?

FACE Sir, you were wont to affect mirth and wit— But here’s no
place to talk on’t in the street. Give me but leave to make the
best of my fortune, And only pardon me the abuse of your
house: It’s all I beg. I’ll help you to a widow, In recompence,
that you shall give me thanks for, Will make you seven years
younger, and a rich one. ’Tis but your putting on a Spanish
cloak: I have her within. You need not fear the house; It was
not visited.

LOVEWIT But by me, who came

Sooner than you expected.

FACE It is true, sir.

’Pray you forgive me.

LOVEWIT Well: let’s see your widow.

(Exeunt.)

SCENE II

A room in the same.

(Enter SUBTLE, leading in DAPPER, with his eyes bound as

before.)
SUBTLE How! You have eaten your gag?

DAPPER Yes faith, it crumbled

Away in my mouth.

SUBTLE
You have spoiled all then.

No!
DAPPER
I hope my aunt of Fairy will forgive me.

Your aunt's a gracious lady; but in troth You were to

SUBTLE
blame.

The fume did overcome me,

DAPPER
And I did do't to stay my stomach. 'Pray you So satisfy
her Grace.

(Enter FACE, in his uniform.)

Here comes the Captain.

How now! Is his mouth down?

FACE
Ay, he has spoken!
SUBTLE
A pox, I heard him, and you too.—He's undone then.— I
FACE have been fain to say, the house is haunted With spirits, to
keep churl back.

And hast thou done it?

SUBTLE
Sure, for this night.
FACE
Why, then triumph and sing
Of Face so famous, the precious king
SUBTLE
Of present wits.

Did you not hear the coil

About the door?
FACE
 FACE Show him his aunt, and let him be dispatched: I’ll
send her to you.
(Exit FACE.)

SUBTLE Well, sir, your aunt her Grace

Will give you audience presently, on my suit, And
the Captain’s word that you did not eat your gag In
any contempt of her Highness.

(Unbinds his eyes.)

DAPPER Not I, in troth, sir.

(Enter DOL, like the Queen of Fairy.)

SUBTLE Here she is come. Down o’ your knees and wriggle:

She has a stately presence.
(DAPPER kneels, and shuffles towards her.)
Good! Yet nearer,
And bid, God save you!

DAPPER Madam!

SUBTLE And your aunt.

DAPPER And my most gracious aunt, God save your Grace.

DOL COMMON Nephew, we thought to have been angry with you;

But that sweet face of yours hath turned the tide,
And made it flow with joy, that ebbed of love. Arise,
and touch our velvet gown.

SUBTLE The skirts, And kiss ’em.

So!
SUBTLE Yes, and I dwindled with it.
DOL COMMON Let me now stroke that head.
“Much, nephew, shalt thou win, much shalt thou spend,
Much shalt thou give away, much shalt thou lend.”

SUBTLE (Aside.) Ay, much! Indeed.—Why do you not thank

her Grace?

DAPPER I cannot speak for joy.

SUBTLE See, the kind wretch!

Your Grace's kinsman right.

DOL COMMON Give me the bird.

Here is your fly in a purse, about your neck, cousin;
Wear it, and feed it about this day sev'n-night, On your
right wrist—

SUBTLE
Open a vein with a pin, And let it suck
but once a week; till then, You must not look on't.

DOL COMMON No: and kinsman,

Bear yourself worthy of the blood you come on.

SUBTLE Her Grace would have you eat no more Woolsack pies,
Nor Dagger frumety.

DOL COMMON Nor break his fast

In Heaven and Hell.

SUBTLE She's with you everywhere!

Nor play with costermongers, at mum-chance, tray-trip,
God make you rich; (when as your aunt has done it);
But keep
The gallantest company, and the best games—

Yes,
DAPPER sir.
 SUBTLE Gleek and primero; and what you get, be true to us.

DAPPER By this hand, I will.

SUBTLE You may bring’s a thousand pound

Before tomorrow night, if but three thousand Be
stirring, an you will.

DAPPER
I swear I will then.

SUBTLE
Your fly will learn you all games.

(Within.) Have you done there?

FACE

Your Grace will command him no more duties?

SUBTLE

No:
DOL COMMON
But come, and see me often. I may chance
To leave him three or four hundred chests of treasure,
And some twelve thousand acres of Fairyland, If he
game well and comely with good gamesters.

There’s a kind aunt! Kiss her departing part.— But

SUBTLE you must sell your forty mark a year, now.

Ay, sir, I mean.

DAPPER
Or, give’t away; pox on’t!
SUBTLE
I’ll give’t mine aunt. I’ll go and fetch the writings.
DAPPER
(Exit.)

’Tis well—away!
SUBTLE
(Re-enter FACE.)

FAC Where’s Subtle?

E
 SUBTLE Here: what news?

FACE Drugger is at the door, go take his suit,

And bid him fetch a parson, presently;
Say, he shall marry the widow. Thou shalt spend
A hundred pound by the service!

(Exit SUBTLE.)

Now, queen Dol,

Have you packed up all?

Yes.
DOL COMMON
And how do you like
FACE
The lady Pliant?

A good dull innocent.

DOL COMMON
(Re-enter SUBTLE.)

Here's your Hieronimo's cloak and hat.

SUBTLE
Give me them.
FACE
And the ruff too?
SUBTLE
Yes; I'll come to you presently.
FACE
(Exit.)

Now he is gone about his project, Dol,

I told you of, for the widow.
SUBTLE

'Tis direct
Against our articles.
DOL COMMON

Well, we will fit him, wench.

Hast thou gulled her of her jewels or her bracelets?
SUBTLE
 DOL COMMON No; but I will do't.

SUBTLE Soon at night, my Dolly, When we are

shipped, and all our goods aboard, Eastward for Ratcliff,
we will turn our course To Brainford, westward, if thou
sayst the word, And take our leaves of this o'er-weening
rascal, This peremptory Face.

Content, I'm weary of him.

DOL COMMON
Thou'st cause, when the slave will run a wiving, Dol,
SUBTLE
Against the instrument that was drawn between us.

I'll pluck his bird as bare as I can.

DOL COMMON
Yes, tell her,
She must by any means address some present To the
SUBTLE
cunning man, make him amends for wronging His art with
her suspicion; send a ring, Or chain of pearl; she will be
tortured else Extremely in her sleep, say, and have strange
things Come to her. Wilt thou?

Yes.

My fine flitter-mouse,
DOL COMMON My bird o' the night! We'll tickle it at the Pigeons, When
we have all, and may unlock the trunks, And say, this's
SUBTLE mine, and thine; and thine, and mine.

(They kiss.)

(Re-enter FACE.)

What now! A billing?

Yes, a little exalted

FACE

SUBTLE
 In the good passage of our stock-affairs.

FACE Drugger has brought his parson; take him in, Subtle, And
send Nab back again to wash his face.

SUBTLE I will: and shave himself?

(Exit.)

FACE If you can get him.

DOL COMMON You are hot upon it, Face, whate'er it is!

FACE A trick that Dol shall spend ten pound a month by.

(Re-enter SUBTLE.)

Is he gone?

SUBTLE The chaplain waits you in the hall, sir.

FACE I'll go bestow him.

(Exit.)

DOL COMMON He'll now marry her, instantly.

SUBTLE
He cannot yet, he is not ready. Dear Dol, Cozen her of all
thou canst. To deceive him Is no deceit, but justice, that
would break Such an inextricable tie as ours was.

DOL COMMON Let me alone to fit him.

(Re-enter FACE.)
Come, my venturers,
FACE
You have packed up all? Where be the trunks? Bring
forth.
 SUBTLE Here.

FACE Let us see them. Where's the money?

SUBTLE Here,
In this.

FACE
Mammon's ten pound; eight score before:
The Brethren's money, this. Drugger's and Dapper's.
What paper's that?

The jewel of the waiting maid's,

DOL COMMON
That stole it from her lady, to know certain—

If she should have precedence of her mistress?

FACE

Yes.
DOL COMMON
What box is that?
FACE
The fishwives' rings, I think,
SUBTLE And the alewives' single money. Is't not, Dol?

Yes; and the whistle that the sailor's wife

DOL COMMON Brought you to know an her husband were with Ward.

We'll wet it tomorrow; and our silver-beakers And

FACE tavern cups. Where be the French petticoats, And
girdles and hangers?

Here, in the trunk,

SUBTLE And the bolts of lawn.

Is Drugger's damask there,

FACE And the tobacco?

Yes.
SUBTLE
Give me the keys.

FACE
DOL COMMON Why you the keys?

SUBTLE No matter, Dol; because

We shall not open them before he comes.

FACE 'Tis true, you shall not open them, indeed;

Nor have them forth, do you see? Not forth, Dol.

DOL COMMON
No!

No, my smock rampant. The right is, my master Knows

FACE
all, has pardoned me, and he will keep them; Doctor, 'tis
true—you look—for all your figures: I sent for him,
indeed. Wherefore, good partners, Both he and she be
satisfied; for here
Determines the indenture tripartite
'Twixt Subtle, Dol, and Face. All I can do Is to help you
over the wall, o' the backside, Or lend you a sheet to save
your velvet gown, Dol. Here will be officers presently,
bethink you Of some course suddenly to 'scape the dock:
For thither you will come else.
(Loud knocking.)
Hark you, thunder.

You are a precious fiend!

SUBTLE (Without.) Open the door.

OFFICER Dol, I am sorry for thee i'faith; but hear'st thou? It shall
go hard but I will place thee somewhere: Thou shalt have
FACE my letter to mistress Amo—

Hang you!

DOL COMMON Or madam Caesarean.

FACE Pox upon you, rogue,

DOL COMMON
Would I had but time to beat thee!
 FACE Subtle,
Let's know where you set up next; I will send you A
customer now and then, for old acquaintance: What new
course have you?

SUBTLE Rogue, I'll hang myself;

That I may walk a greater devil than thou,
And haunt thee in the flock-bed and the buttery.

(Exeunt.)

SCENE III

An outer room in the same.

(Enter LOVEWIT in the Spanish dress, with the PARSON.
Loud knocking at the door.)
LOVEWIT What do you mean, my masters?

SIR EPICURE (Without.) Open your door, Cheaters,

MAMMON bawds, conjurers.

OFFICER (Without.) Or we will break it open.

LOVEWIT What warrant have you?

OFFICER (Without.) Warrant enough, sir, doubt

not, If you'll not open it.

LOVEWIT Is there an officer, there?

 OFFICER (Without.) Yes, two or three for failing.

LOVEWIT Have but patience, And I will

open it straight.

(Enter FACE, as butler.)

FACE Sir, have you done?

Is it a marriage? Perfect?

LOVEWIT Yes, my brain.

FACE Off with your ruff and cloak then; be yourself, sir.

PERTINAX (Without.) Down with the door.

SURLY

KASTRIL (Without.) 'Slight, ding it open.

LOVEWIT (Opening the door.) Hold, Hold,

gentlemen, what means this violence?

(MAMMON, SURLY, KASTRIL, ANANIAS, TRIBULATION, and

OFFICERS, rush in.)

SIR EPICURE Where is this collier?

MAMMON

PERTINAX And my Captain Face?

SURLY

SIR EPICURE These day owls.

MAMMON

PERTINAX That are birding in men's purses.

SURLY

SIR EPICURE Madam Suppository.

MAMMON
 KASTRIL Doxy, my sister.

ANANIAS Locusts
Of the foul pit.

TRIBULATION Profane as Bel and the dragon.

WHOLESOME

ANANIAS Worse than the grasshoppers, or the lice of Egypt.

LOVEWIT
Good gentlemen, hear me. Are you officers, And
cannot stay this violence?

1 OFFICER Keep the peace.

Gentlemen, what is the matter? Whom do you seek?

LOVEWIT

The chemical cozener.

SIR EPICURE
MAMMON

And the Captain pander.

PERTINAX
SURLY

The nun my sister.

KASTRIL
Madam Rabbi.
SIR EPICURE
MAMMON
Scorpions,
ANANIAS And caterpillars.

Fewer at once, I pray you.

LOVEWIT
One after another, gentlemen, I charge you,
2 OFFICER By virtue of my staff.

They are the vessels

ANANIAS Of pride, lust, and the cart.
 LOVEWIT Good zeal, lie still
A little while.

TRIBULATION Peace, deacon Ananias.

WHOLESOME

LOVEWIT The house is mine here, and the doors are open; If there
be any such persons as you seek for, Use your authority,
search on o' God's name. I am but newly come to town,
and finding This tumult 'bout my door, to tell you true, It
somewhat mazed me; till my man, here, fearing My more
displeasure, told me he had done Somewhat an insolent
part, let out my house (Belike, presuming on my known
aversion From any air o' the town while there was
sickness,) To a Doctor and a Captain: who, what they are
Or where they be, he knows not.

SIR EPICURE Are they gone?

MAMMON

LOVEWIT You may go in and search, sir.

(MAMMON, ANANIAS, and TRIBULATION go in.)

Here, I find
The empty walls worse than I left them, smoked, A few
cracked pots, and glasses, and a furnace: The ceiling
filled with poesies of the candle, And madam with a
dildo writ o' the walls: Only one gentlewoman, I met
here, That is within, that said she was a widow—

KASTRIL Ay, that's my sister; I'll go thump her. Where is she?

(Goes in.)
 LOVEWIT And should have married a Spanish Count, but he,
When he came to't, neglected her so grossly,
That I, a widower, am gone through with her.

PERTINAX How! Have I lost her then?

SURLY

LOVEWIT Were you the Don, sir?

Good faith, now, she does blame you extremely, and says
You swore, and told her you had taken the pains
To dye your beard, and umber o'er your face,
Borrowed a suit, and ruff, all for her love;
And then did nothing. What an oversight,
And want of putting forward, sir, was this!
Well fare an old harquebuzier, yet,
Could prime his powder, and give fire, and hit, All in a
twinkling!

(Re-enter MAMMON.)

The whole nest are fled!

SIR EPICURE
MAMMON

What sort of birds were they?

LOVEWIT
A kind of choughs,
SIR EPICURE Or thievish daws, sir, that have picked my purse
MAMMON
Of eight score and ten pounds within these five weeks,
Beside my first materials; and my goods,
That lie in the cellar, which I am glad they have left, I
may have home yet.

Think you so, sir?

LOVEWIT
Ay.
SIR EPICURE
MAMMON
By order of law, sir, but not otherwise.
LOVEWIT
SIR EPICURE Not mine own stuff!
MAMMON

LOVEWIT Sir, I can take no knowledge

That they are yours, but by public means.
If you can bring certificate that you were gulled of them,
Or any formal writ out of a court,
That you did cozen yourself, I will not hold them.

SIR EPICURE I’ll rather lose them.

MAMMON

LOVEWIT That you shall not, sir,

By me, in troth: upon these terms, they are yours. What!
Should they have been, sir, turned into gold, all?

SIR EPICURE No,

MAMMON I cannot tell—It may be they should.—What then?

LOVEWIT What a great loss in hope have you sustained!

SIR EPICURE Not I, the Commonwealth has.

MAMMON

FACE Ay, he would have built

The city new; and made a ditch about it
Of silver, should have run with cream from Hogsden;
That every Sunday, in Moorfields, the younkers, And
tits and tomboys should have fed on, gratis.

SIR EPICURE I will go mount a turnip-cart, and preach

MAMMON The end of the world, within these two months. Surly,
What! In a dream?

PERTINAX Must I needs cheat myself,

SURLY With that same foolish vice of honesty! Come, let us go
and hearken out the rogues: That Face I’ll mark for
mine, if e’er I meet him.
 FACE If I can hear of him, sir, I’ll bring you word, Unto
your lodging; for in troth, they were strangers To me,
I thought them honest as myself, sir.

(Exeunt MAMMON and SURLY.)

(Re-enter ANANIAS and TRIBULATION.)

’Tis well, the saints shall not lose all yet. Go, And get
TRIBULATION
WHOLESOME
some carts—

For what, my zealous friends?

LOVEWIT

To bear away the portion of the righteous Out of this

ANANIAS
den of thieves.

What is that portion?

LOVEWIT
The goods sometimes the orphan’s, that the Brethren
ANANIAS
Bought with their silver pence.

What, those in the cellar, The knight

LOVEWIT Sir Mammon claims?

I do defy The wicked

ANANIAS Mammon, so do all the Brethren, Thou profane man!
I ask thee with what conscience Thou canst advance
that idol against us, That have the seal? Were not the
shillings numbered, That made the pounds; were not
the pounds told out, Upon the second day of the
fourth week, In the eighth month, upon the table
dormant, The year of the last patience of the saints,
Six hundred and ten?

Mine earnest vehement botcher, And

deacon also, I cannot dispute with you: But if you get
LOVEWIT you not away the sooner,
 I shall confute you with a cudgel.

ANANIAS Sir!

TRIBULATION Be patient, Ananias.

WHOLESOME

ANANIAS I am strong, And will stand up,

well girt, against an host That threaten Gad in exile.

I shall send you

LOVEWIT
To Amsterdam, to your cellar.

I will pray there,

ANANIAS
Against thy house: may dogs defile thy walls, And
wasps and hornets breed beneath thy roof, This seat
of falsehood, and this cave of cozenage!

(Exeunt ANANIAS and TRIBULATION.)

(Enter DRUGGER.)

Another too?

LOVEWIT Not I, sir, I am no Brother.

DRUGGER (Beats him.) Away, you Harry Nicholas! Do you talk?

LOVEWIT
(Exit DRUGGER.)

No, this was Abel Drugger. Good sir, go,

(To the PARSON.)

FACE

And satisfy him; tell him all is done: He stayed too

long a washing of his face.
The Doctor, he shall hear of him at Westchester;
And of the Captain, tell him, at Yarmouth, or
 Some good port town else, lying for a wind.

(Exit PARSON.)

If you can get off the angry child, now, sir—

(Enter KASTRIL, dragging in his sister.)

Come on, you ewe, you have matched most sweetly,

KASTRIL
have you not?
Did not I say, I would never have you tupped
But by a dubbed boy, to make you a lady tom? 'Slight,
you are a mammet! O, I could touse you, now. Death,
mun' you marry, with a pox!

You lie, boy;

LOVEWIT As sound as you; and I'm aforehand with you.

Anon!
KASTRIL
Come, will you quarrel? I will feize you, sirrah;
LOVEWIT Why do you not buckle to your tools?

Od's light,
KASTRIL This is a fine old boy as e'er I saw!

What, do you change your copy now? Proceed;

LOVEWIT Here stands my dove: stoop at her, if you dare.

'Slight, I must love him! I cannot choose, i'faith, An I

KASTRIL should be hanged for't! Sister, I protest,
I honour thee for this match.

O, do you so, sir?

LOVEWIT
Yes, an thou canst take tobacco and drink, old boy, I'll
KASTRIL give her five hundred pound more to her marriage, Than
her own state.

LOVEWIT Fill a pipe full, Jeremy.

 FACE Yes; but go in and take it, sir.

LOVEWIT We will—
I will be ruled by thee in anything, Jeremy.

KASTRIL 'Slight, thou art not hidebound, thou art a jovy boy! Come,
let us in, I pray thee, and take our whiffs.

LOVEWIT Whiff in with your sister, brother boy.

(Exeunt KASTRIL and DAME PLIANT.)

That master
That had received such happiness by a servant, In such a
widow, and with so much wealth, Were very ungrateful,
if he would not be A little indulgent to that servant's wit,
And help his fortune, though with some small strain Of
his own candour.
(Advancing.)
—“Therefore, gentlemen, And kind
spectators, if I have outstript An old man's gravity, or
strict canon, think What a young wife and a good brain
may do; Stretch age's truth sometimes, and crack it too.
Speak for thyself, knave.”

FACE “So I will, sir.”

(Advancing to the front of the stage.)

“Gentlemen, My part a little

fell in this last scene, Yet 'twas decorum. And though I
am clean Got off from Subtle, Surly, Mammon, Dol, Hot
Ananias, Dapper, Drugger, all

With whom I traded: yet I put myself On you, that are

my country: and this pelf Which I have got, if you do
quit me, rests To feast you often, and invite new
guests.”
 The Alchemist
was published in 1612 by
BEN JONSON.