Diya Gautam

I have been in an extremely emotionally and physical abusive relationship for 25

years. Is there any point to leaving now? The damage is already done. My son's live
is destroyed because of it and I live in constant fear and sadness.

Introduction

Leaving an emotionally abusive relationship can be a difficult and scary decision, but it is an
important step towards reclaiming your happiness and well-being. An abusive marriage is a type
of domestic violence where one partner uses various forms of abusive behavior to control and
manipulate the other partner. Abusive behavior can take many different forms, including
physical, emotional, psychological, sexual, financial, and verbal abuse.

In an abusive marriage, the abused partner may feel trapped and unable to leave due to fear,
guilt, or a lack of resources. Abusive partners often use tactics such as isolation, threats, and
intimidation to maintain control and prevent their partner from seeking help or leaving the
relationship.

If you or someone you know is in an abusive marriage, it's important to seek help and support.
There are many resources available, including hotlines, shelters, counseling services, and legal
assistance. No one deserves to be abused, and there is help available to escape an abusive
relationship and rebuild a safe and healthy life.

In general, if you fear for you or your children’s safety because of your husband’s actions and
behaviors, you probably have a case for domestic violence. California accepts all of the
following as forms of domestic violence:

Physical abuse. Hitting, kicking, shoving, pulling hair, throwing things at you, and sexual assault
are all forms of physical abuse that violent partners may engage in.
Emotional abuse. Domestic abuse does not have to be physical. Humiliation, insults, criticism,
mind games, and guilt trips are forms of emotional abuse that can make a marriage unbearable.
Verbal threats. Threats of violence against you, your children, friends, family members, and even
pets that you believe your partner is capable of carrying out can also be considered a form of
domestic violence.
Controlling your freedom. Not allowing you to leave the house, get a job, access family income,
or see certain friends or family members are controlling behaviors that are often part of an
abuser’s pattern.

It can be very difficult to accept that your formerly happy marriage has become abusive. Still, it
is important to recognize it for what it is and to protect yourself and your children from further
abuse.

Review of Literature

In 1975, Straus and associates conducted the first epidemiological study to investigate the extent
of the problem, when they questioned 2,143 married couples in a national survey. Their researdh
instrument, the Conflict Tactics Scale, did not distinguith whether males or females initiated the
abuse, but the results suggested that either partner was likely to perpetrate aggression. They
found that 28% of coap.i.e.,7 reported at least one incident of physical assault in their
relationship. Sixteen percent reported that violence had occurred in the year prior to the study,
and, of these assaults, aver one third involved serious acts such as punching, hitting with an
Object, kidking, and using a knife or gun (Straus, Gelles, & Steinmetz, 1980). These results were
reaffirmed in 1985 when Straus and Gelles (1988) conducted a follow-up survey whidh found
that couples reported the same percentage of violent incidents had occurred during the year prior
to the study. Extrapolating from these figures, one can estimate that at least a million and a half
warren are assaulted by their partners eadh year.

Two commonly cited findings fram research appear to contradict each other: Violence between
family members can be found in all social classes" and "Family violence is more common in
lower class families." A more discriminating depiction of the correlates between social class and
family violence can be gained by examining separately social factors sudh as regional
differences, race, education, and income. These factors were often overlooked in early studies
due to the perception of family violence as a rare occurrence. Research of the 1960s and early
1970s was mainly based on cases that came almost exclusively fram police or medical records,
and their evidence supported the notion that marital violence occurred primarily among lower
class people. Straus et al. (1980) have suggested that this is due to the fact that the police are
more likely to detect family violence among the poor and disadvantaged, and to label it illegal.

Regional Differences

With respect to geographical distribution, earlier researdh on violence in the United States
indicated that same regions were more violent than others. For example, CzAstil (1971) reported,
based on homicide data, that Southerners from Georgia, Alabama, South Carolina, and Virginia
had a predisposition toward lethal violence. The South was also hypothesized to have a high
potential for violence due to their higher rates of gun ownership.

Racial Factors

Different cultural expectations and values concerning violence, as well as relative lack of income
and education, may account for the varying distribution rates of marital violence found among
different racial and ethnic groups. Straus et al. (1980) found that minority racial groups were
overrepresented as abusers campared to Anglo men. They concluded that these higher rates of
violence among minority members resulted from the greater discrimination and frustration they
endure, as they remain stymied in their attempts to attain the advantages offered by society to
privileged groups. They also hypothesized that African Americans, Hispanics, and people from
other cultures Where the macho male is highly valued, have a higher prevalence of Abuse
because the image of machismo condones and enccurages acts of physical and sexual aggression.

Educational Differences

On a common view is that men who batter their partners have lawer levels of education. To some
extent, this view is supported by researdh. Most conjugal violence does occur in families where
the husband's education is relatively low (Gelles, 1972). Survey results, hewever, challenge
conventional beliefs of a too simple relationehip between education and family violence. The
least violent males were found at opposite poles: those who attended only the lower grades of
school and those who were well-educated (i.e., same college). The most violent husbands and
fathers were those who had either dropped out before campleting high sdhool or did not go on to
college after graduation (Straus et al., 1980). From this, one nay conclude that it is more stressful
to have a moderate amount of sdhooling than to have a little or a lot.

Effects of Physical Abuse on Child Development

Despite mounting concern over the increase in child abuse incidents, relatively few studies have
concentrated on the innediate and long-lasting psychological effects of physical abuse. Past
studies have focussed primarily on the behavioral and cognitive effects of abuse, including
lowered school achievement (Friedrich & Einbender, 1983; Hoffman-Plotkin & Twentyman
1984; Newberger, Newberger, & Hampton, 1983; Toro, 1982); increased aggressive behavior
and delinquency (Erikson, Egeland, & Pianta, 1989; George & Main, 1979; Haskett & Eistner,
1990; Kinard, 1980, 1982); tantrums, hyperactivity, avoidance of peers (George & Main, 1979;
Martin & Beezley, 1976, 1977); and peer rejection (iaskett & Eistner, 1990).

In the last ten years, child abuse research has shifted fram an emphasis on overt behaviors to the
study of the underlying depressive symptoms, such as helpaessness, sadness, and low self-
esteem, which may perpetuate these actions. In addition, contemporary research has also focused
more closely on motherinfant interaction styles and attachment patterns in physically abused
children. This literature emphasizes the contribution of the nother5 and the infant to the social
context of development. It questions whether such variables as maternal unresponsiveness and
difficult infant temperament may provoke or maintain the abuse.

This section will review research investigating the effects of physical maltreatment in infancy,
preschool, and early grammar school--including behavioral problems, cognitive deficits, and
negative patterns of social interaction. It will also address abused children's feelings of self-
worth, their explanatory styles for actions and events, the degree to which they believe they have
control over their environment, and prevalence of depressive symptoms. This research will be
interpreted in relation to the reformulated learned helplessness theory of depression (Abramson,
Seligman, & Teasdale, 1978)

Battered wife syndrome

According to Bukusi (2002) this is a post trauma symptom associated with victimization,
specially including re-experiencing the violence through intrusive thoughts or dreams and
mumbling or reduced expression of effect.

“Learned helplessness” results from repeated abuse. Depression and a sense of lack of control of
the environment are often artifacts of the learned helplessness, but it does not necessarily result
in passivity on the part of the victim .A lot of battered women have lost their lives or have had
adverse physical bodily harm. Some of them have had serious bleeding injuries, especially to the
head and face. Internal injuries, convulsions, perforated lungs, damaged internal organs, like
spleen, kidneys, severe bruising, eye injuries, and strangulation on the neck, broken or cracked
jaws, arms pelvis, ribs, collarbone and legs. Hair pulled out and injured knees, bums, limb
injuries and twisted necks.

The objectives

● To evaluate the role of counseling intervention in rehabilitating women, experiencing

domestic violence and other forms of abuse.
● To analyze the perception that women have of the role of counseling in rehabilitating
women undergoing Domestic Violence
● To find out whether women who access counseling services are rehabilitated

Target Audience
She should be a female over the age of 30 who has been in an abusive relationship for at least ten
years. Although her family is not wealthy, her spouse has a good income. They also have a child
that is experiencing this abuse. Her spouse abuses her physically and emotionally, and his family
doesn't object. They advise Wife to maintain her composure and make peace with her family's
financial situation because they are impoverished.

General guidelines for effective counseling

● These are some practical guidelines for those without counseiling training who find
themselves in a situation where counselling is required:
● Listen attentively Give your clients time to say what they need Be patient. Help them
express their feelings and emotions and show warmth and care
● Treat your clients and their tamiles with respect Be reliable and consistent. Accept people
as they are and avoid moralistic judgements
● Avoid giving advice; rather help clients work through issues and to make their own
decisions with your help
● Help your clients tocus on issues where they can achieve positive changes, rather than
being overwhelrned by their problems. Help them identify others they can rely on and
receive heip from.
● Do not pretend to have skills, knowledge, or resources you do not have. Know when to
refer clients for more specialised help and where to refer them.
● Do not minimise you clients problems. Do not judge how big or how small their
problems are. Do not try to prioritise their concerns.

Therapeutic Relationship

As a counsellor, one of your main objectives in helping a survivor of domestic violence is to

empower her. These are some guidelines on how to do this.

Believe her story.

This may be difficuit, especially if the perpetrator is a public figure or has a high status in the
community. Remember people behave differently in public than they do in their private lives.
Even pastors, doctors, lawyers, and politicians may assault their wives. Listen to what the
survivor is telling you. Ask non-leading questions. For instance, ask, "what happened next?"
instead of "did he beat you again?" Avoid making judgements and giving advice.

Build on her strengths.

Help her identify her achievements and compliment her on these. For instance seeking help is an
important step and an achievement for most survivors. She may also have taken steps to save
herself and her children from further abuse. Compliment her on her coping strategies and
problem solving skills. Even if some of her efforts have not been completely successful, help her
build on these strengths.

Do not assign blame.

Some survivors feel that they carry Some blame for being assaulted and abUsed by their
partners. It is important to reinforce to the survivor that the abuse is not her fault-the perpetrator
is to blame and it is his problem and responsibility. However, be careful and resist the temptation
to "bad mouth" or criticise him. If you do, she may come to his defence because of a reflex to
defend her family against outsiders, e.g "but he is a very good father" or "he is a good provider".
Focus on the abuse and on the behaviour of the abuser and not on his personality.

Take her fears seriously.

Listen to the survivor's fears and worries with sympathy. Take them seriously. It is not for you to
judge how selous a problem is. Discuss options to overcome these fears and worries

Offer Help
Offer appropriate and specific forms of help and information. You could refer her for HIV
testing and counselling if she is worried about her HIV status. You could refer her to a lawyer for
legal advice if she is worried that she might lose her children or her property. Be careful not to
make false promises that you may not be able to meet.

Help her plan for her safety.

If you are concerned about her safety, express your concern without judgement. You could say,
"your situation right now sounds dangerous and I am concerned about your safety". This gives
her an opportunity to discuss her safety plans with you. Remember that risk of HIV infection is
also a safety issue and needs to be discussed. The key to safety planning is to identify each
problem or threat, consider the full range of available options, analyse the risks and benefits of
each option, and identify ways to reduce the risks. Be prepared to offer ideas, information, and
referrals, but always encourage the survivor to take full responsibility for her safety and for the
safety of her children.

Theoretical framework
Different theories have been propounded to explain human behavior. In this study the following
theories will be used:
● Liberal feminism
● Social feminism
● Client-centered theory
● Behavioral counseling
● Group Therapy

● Liberal feminism theory

Liberal feminism theory is relevant to this study in that domestic violence is sometimes as a
result of stereotyped social roles, which make the victim act contrary to his feelings as an
individual. If the society can accept that a man can just be as vulnerable as a woman or a woman
can be as a man, may be there would be less violence the in society.

According to Wellstonecrast (2000) who was a liberal feminist learning and socialization are
responsible for the formation of Education (social learning). Wellastonecrast says that blind
submission to authority not only limits social and political freedom but also inhibits the
developmental reasoning. The individual freedom is inhibited. Similarly the individual thinks in
terms of what the society expects of them and not in terms of himself. Liberal feminist
emphasizes gender differences, thereby assuming that changes in socializations practices and the
re-education of the public result in more liberated and egalitarian gender relations.

This theory is based on the simple preposition that all people are created equal.. It is based on the
belief that men and women have the same natural faculties. Feminists argue that if men and
women are naturally similar in mental capacities therefore the rights of men should be extended
to women and vice versa.

● Social Feminist Theory

Social feminist theory believes that the inferior position of women leads them to be oppressed
and in the process violated. This is because Of the kind of the work that they do-unpaid
household labour. Women are intentionally economically dependent and men retain complete
power over the women and leads them to stagnate .A man improves his career, his education and
his status in society at the expense of his wife. This makes a woman to be more dependent, less
educated, have less or no opportunities and does not measure up to the status of her husband
hence making her prone to violation.

Social feminine theory therefore argues that capitalism interacts w ith patriarchy to create
women’s oppression. According to these theorists capitalism has an interest in maintaining
gender identities and relations that guarantee a low paid expendable female workforce in
manufacturing and service industry.

These theorists argue that this benefits men since it gives them privilege assess to better paid jobs
public life and leisure outside work. This argument can be used to explain why men are more
economically empowered as compared to women. Men, it argues fear giving women equal
opportunities as them because this interfere with the status quo that men would like to maintain

● Client -Centered Theory

Carl Rogers who is a disciple of Sigmud Frued has pioneered in modem counseling. His theory
is based upon self treatment, client centered therapy where the counselor will help the client to
realize his problem, for according to Rogers he emphasizes the enhancing of client to realize and
perceive his problem and creates the atmosphere in which the self evolves and makes him realize
the inherent potential in himself.

Rogers (1967) believes that man who is able to determine his own destiny and that he has the
capacity to regulate, guide and control himself. He also argues that an individual is always in a
state of progress towards self-actualization as a positive goal, and develop a positive constructive
self regard. Therefore a counselor who offers emphatic understanding of the client is in a
position to empathize and create the relationship with the client.

According to Rogers (1967), the uniqueness of the theory, that is “here and now situation
emphasizes the client’s feelings, where the client is supposed to interpret and make decisions. A
counselor treats the client as a “person of worth and as an equal and as a person capable of
making appropriate decisions for herself. The underlying aim of the therapy is to produce a
climate conducive to Helping the client become a folly functional person. The client centered
therapy stresses for a therapist to produce positive outcomes, he is required to feel demonstrate
unconditional positive regard and genuineness.

The therapist must show accurate empathy and reflection of feelings, hence he should actively
listen, enter and understand the client’s world so that he can understand his feelings and thus
accurately validate their emotions. The theory emphasizes that the counselor is to provide and
create a conducive atmosphere in which the self evolves. Therefore if the counselor facilitates
the environment by ensuring that the physical factors which would hinder the conducive
environment are not at play, then the client will be able to do to self searching leading to self
actualization.

● Behavioral Counseling
According to Stone (1966:142) the goal of counseling is to effect change in behavior, which in
turn will permit the recipient lo live a more productive and self satisfying life
According to George and Christiani (1990:109) theories by definition arc formulations of the
relationships or the underlying principles of phenomena that have been observed and verified to
some degree the theory therefore provides a systematic way of dealing with a problem. The
problem of trauma due to domestic violence can be addressed through various therapies. Myers
(1995:555) outlines the main psychotherapies as psychoanalytic, humanistic behavioral group
and cognitive perspective. In counseling one may use either one or a combination of many
therapies depending on the client’s issues.

Behavior therapy attempts to help clients to alter maladaptive behavior and prevent problems by
strengthening desirable behavior. This is done by assessing the nature and extent of the problem,
specifying counseling goals and choosing the most appropriate counseling strategies and
periodically re-evaluating client progress to determine if the counseling has been success full.
Thus behavioral counseling is essentially a process that focuses on changing the clients behavior
by helping him to unlearn inappropriate behavior and replace with more desirable ones.
Behavioral therapists begin treatment by finding out as much as they can about the clients
problem and the circumstances surrounding it. They do not infer causes or look for hidden
things, rather they focus on observable and measurable behavior. Therapists may use a number
of specific techniques to alter behavior. These techniques include relaxation training, systematic
desensitization, exposure and response prevention, aversive conditioning and social skills
training.

● Group Therapies
In Group Therapies, a number of people gather together to discuss problems under the guidance
of a therapist. By sharing their feelings and experiences with other group members they Icam
their problems are not unique and receive emotional support and I can ways to cope with them.
Psychodrama is a type of group therapy in which participants act out emotional conflicts, often
on stage, with the goals of increasing their understanding of their behaviors and resolving
conflicts. Group therapy generally costs less per person than individual therapy.

George and Christiani (1990:20) use the definition of George and Dustin (1988) who say that
group counseling involves the use of group interaction to facilitate self understanding as well as
individual behavior change. George and Christiani (1990:204) point out that the counseling
group act as a micro representative ol the society and provide an opportunity for the individual to
experience social influence and conformity as part of the group counseling experience.