What Does Contempt Look Like? What Does Contempt Look Like?

PSYCHOLOGY AND RELATIONSHIPS
Here's the No. 1 thing that

'destroys' relationships,
say researchers who
studied couples for 50
years
Published Fri, Mar 3 2023 10∶17 AM EST
Updated Fri, Mar 3 2023 10∶32 AM EST
Dr. Jessica Griffin, Contributor

@THEDRJESSICA
Dr. Pepper Schwartz, Contributor

@ P E P P E R S C H WA RT Z
Share
Malte Mueller | Getty Images
As a psychologist and sexologist, we've been

studying relationships for more than 50 years
combined, and we've found that no matter
how you slice it, most of them fail because of
poor communication.
In his book "What Predicts Divorce?",

psychologist Dr. John Gottman identifies the
four most problematic types of
communication in relationships, based on his
studies of 40,000 couples:
1. Contempt: Expressing a lack of respect

for our partners (e.g., name-calling, eye-
rolling, ridiculing).
2. Criticism: Attacking a partner's
character.
3. Defensiveness: Protecting from criticism
by using excuses or shifting blame.
4. Stonewalling: Withdrawing from
communication by ignoring, zoning out or
acting busy.
Of these four, Gottman says, the biggest

predictor of a failed relationship is contempt.
What does contempt look like?

Contempt is more than criticism or saying
something negative. It's when one partner
asserts that they are smarter, have better
morals, or are simply a better human being
than the other.
The partner on the receiving end feels

unworthy and unloved.
For example, continually interrupting the other

person is disrespectful. But it turns into
contempt when the interruption is not an
overeager desire to talk, but rather a
statement that the partner has nothing
interesting or important to say.
It could be as obvious as a spouse saying, "Oh,

he's not worth listening to. He couldn't tell a
story to save his life."
When this type of behavior becomes more

than rare — and when it is either
unrecognized or delivered with intent — any
relationship, much less a marriage, is in
trouble.
How contempt destroys

relationships
Contempt makes it impossible for partners to
feel like they have each other's back. Instead
of "it's you and me against the problem,"
partners are now the opponents. They never
know when they might be attacked or
undermined.
This often stems from individuals feeling that

they are standing up for themselves, which is
usually a healthy thing to do. But the problem
is that they are standing up for themselves
against their partner, trying to raise
themselves up while tearing their partner
down.
Contempt isn't just bad for relationships — it's

also bad for our health. We need one another
to survive. Contempt cuts off or threatens
those ties to other people..
Research has shown that individuals who use

contempt in their communication have higher
rates of disease, including cancer, heart
disease, and other illnesses such as colds or
the flu.
How to eliminate contempt in your

relationship
1. Identify and share negative

feelings.
When we don't know how to name or talk

about negative feelings, it's tempting to take
them out on others.
For example: "I can't believe you are canceling

our date night to meet with your friends. You're
a selfish jerk. You never think about my
feelings!"
To avoid contemptuous communication, use

this formula instead:
1. State what you're feeling

feeling: "I feel
annoyed and sad because I was looking
forward to spending time together."
2. Add a request
request: "I'd like to avoid this
happening in the future by talking about it
first before changing plans."
3. Invite your partner to the
conversation
conversation: "Do you think we can do
that?"
2. Create a culture of appreciation.
Expressing appreciation helps us notice more

of our partner's positive qualities rather than
the negatives.
Ideally, we want our positive statements and

gestures to outweigh the negative ones — the
magic ratio is at least five positive statements
or feelings to one negative one.
Track your communication patterns over a

week. How often are you engaging in negative
interactions (e.g., nagging, criticizing, ignoring,
eye-rolling) versus positive ones (e.g., praising,
complementing, doing something nice for the
other partner)?
The following week, interact with your partner

using the magic ratio. Do you feel differently?
You can also try each making a list of 20

things you love about each other. Read them
out loud, and challenge yourselves by adding
to the list over time.
Jessica Griffin
Griffin, PsyD, is a professor of psy‐
chiatry and pediatrics at the University of
Massachusetts Chan Medical School. She is
also the co-author of "Relationship Rx:
Prescriptions for Lasting Love and Deeper
Connection." Follow Jessica on Twitter and
Instagram.
Pepper Schwartz
Schwartz, PhD, is a sexuality expert
and co-author of "Relationship Rx:
Prescriptions for Lasting Love and Deeper
Connection." She is a professor of sociology at
the University of Washington in Seattle, where
she created the Pepper Schwartz Fellowship
on Intimate Relationships and Sexuality.
Follow Pepper on Twitter and Instagram.
Don't miss:
• Harvard-trained psychologist: If you use

any of these 8 toxic phrases, ‘your
relationship is in trouble’
• I’ve spent 20 years setting people up
with millionaires—here are my 7 rules
for dating and marrying rich
• Here’s the No. 1 phrase used in
successful relationships, say
psychologists who studied 40,000
couples
We bought an apartment in a 400-ye…
We bought an apartment in a 400-year-old buildin…

10∶47
Sign up now: Get smarter about your

money and career with our weekly
newsletter
*This is an adapted excerpt from "Relationship

Rx: Prescriptions for Lasting Love and Deeper
Connection" by Jessica Griffin and Pepper
Schwartz, published by Rowman & Littlefield
Publishers. Copyright © 2023 by Jessica Griffin
and Pepper Schwartz.
FROM THE WEB
Cardiologist: Too Much Belly Fat? Do

This Before Bed
Healthy Guru | Sponsored

Don't Borrow From The Bank If You

Own a Home, Do This Instead (It's
Genius)
Lendgo | Sponsored
The 5 Books to Read to Transform

Your Life in 2023
Blinkist Magazine | Sponsored Read More
MORE FROM MAKE IT
A child psychologist shares the 5

signs you've raised a 'highly
spoiled' kid—and how parents
can 'undo' it
Michele Borba
A psychology expert shares the 7 toxic signs

of 'highly insecure' people—and how to
deal with them
Harvard-trained psychologist: 3 tips for

rejecting someone with kindness—
avoidance 'might hurt them worse'
Introverts, stop acting like extroverts to be

successful—do this instead, experts say
Esther Wojcicki raised 2 successful CEOs

and a doctor—here's why she thinks good
grades don't matter
The Horrifying Truth About CBD

Tommy Chong's CBD | Sponsored Shop Now

Buying ED Meds Online Legal in 47

States, But Big Pharma Hides It
ED Treatments | Sponsored
Man Who Predicted Lehman Crash

Makes New Warning for 2023
Investing Outlook | Sponsored
MORE FROM MAKE IT
Psychologist shares the nightly

routine she uses to make new
habits stick: ‘It really helps me
keep going’
Natasha Piñon
'It's not about being a perfect parent':

Stanford sociologist shares 3 ways to
succeed at work while raising kids
Yale expert: This is how you build 1 trait

highly successful people share
‘I have regrets’: 4 hard life lessons this 45-

year-old mom learned from losing her
husband and child
I spent 5 years interviewing 233 millionaires

—here's the No. 1 career move that made
them rich
Trending Now
1 Here's the No. 1 thing that 'destroys'

relationships, say researchers who
studied couples for 50 years
2 I’m a nutritionist from Japan, home to

the world's longest-living people—
here are 5 foods we eat every day
3 A psychology expert shares the 7 toxic

signs of 'highly insecure' people—and
how to deal with them
4 Billionaire Warren Buffett still lives in

the same home he bought for $31,500
more than 60 years ago
5 26-year-old pays $0 to live in a 'luxury

tiny home' she built for $35,000 in her
backyard—look inside
View the full site
Data is a real time snapshot *Data is delayed at least

15 minutes.
Global Business and Financial News, Stocks, Quotes,

and Market Data and Analysis.
Data also provided by
© 2023 CNBC LLC. All Rights Reserved.

A Division of NBCUniversal
Privacy Policy
Do Not Sell My Personal Information
CA Notice
Terms of Service

What Does Contempt Look Like? What Does Contempt Look Like?

Uploaded by

Copyright:

Available Formats

What Does Contempt Look Like? What Does Contempt Look Like?

Uploaded by

Document Information

Original Title

Copyright

Available Formats

Share this document

Share or Embed Document

Sharing Options

Did you find this document useful?

Is this content inappropriate?

Copyright:

Available Formats

What Does Contempt Look Like? What Does Contempt Look Like?

Uploaded by

Copyright:

Available Formats

PSYCHOLOGY AND RELATIONSHIPS

Here's the No. 1 thing that

Dr. Jessica Griffin, Contributor

Dr. Pepper Schwartz, Contributor

Malte Mueller | Getty Images

As a psychologist and sexologist, we've been

In his book "What Predicts Divorce?",

1. Contempt: Expressing a lack of respect

Of these four, Gottman says, the biggest

What does contempt look like?

The partner on the receiving end feels

For example, continually interrupting the other

It could be as obvious as a spouse saying, "Oh,

When this type of behavior becomes more

How contempt destroys

This often stems from individuals feeling that

Contempt isn't just bad for relationships — it's

Research has shown that individuals who use

How to eliminate contempt in your

1. Identify and share negative

When we don't know how to name or talk

For example: "I can't believe you are canceling

To avoid contemptuous communication, use

1. State what you're feeling

2. Create a culture of appreciation.

Expressing appreciation helps us notice more

Ideally, we want our positive statements and

Track your communication patterns over a

The following week, interact with your partner

You can also try each making a list of 20

• Harvard-trained psychologist: If you use

We bought an apartment in a 400-ye…

We bought an apartment in a 400-year-old buildin…

Sign up now: Get smarter about your

*This is an adapted excerpt from "Relationship

FROM THE WEB

Cardiologist: Too Much Belly Fat? Do

Don't Borrow From The Bank If You

The 5 Books to Read to Transform

MORE FROM MAKE IT

A child psychologist shares the 5

A psychology expert shares the 7 toxic signs

Harvard-trained psychologist: 3 tips for

Introverts, stop acting like extroverts to be

Esther Wojcicki raised 2 successful CEOs

The Horrifying Truth About CBD

Buying ED Meds Online Legal in 47

Man Who Predicted Lehman Crash

MORE FROM MAKE IT

Psychologist shares the nightly

'It's not about being a perfect parent':

Yale expert: This is how you build 1 trait

‘I have regrets’: 4 hard life lessons this 45-

I spent 5 years interviewing 233 millionaires

1 Here's the No. 1 thing that 'destroys'

2 I’m a nutritionist from Japan, home to

3 A psychology expert shares the 7 toxic

4 Billionaire Warren Buffett still lives in

5 26-year-old pays $0 to live in a 'luxury