UNIT 20 SOCIAL RELATIONSHIPS AND

Structure
20.1 Introduction
20.2 Developing Initiative
20.3 Self-concept
20.3.1 Origins of Self-concept
20.3.2 The Concept of Gender
20.4 Childl~earingPractices
20.4.1 Way: of Disciplining
20.4.2 Styles of Parental Behaviour
20.5 Providing Nurtur;olce and Fostering Independence
20.6 Re1atio::ship with Siblings
20.7 Aggression
20.7.1 Understanding Aggressive Behaviour
20.8 Empatby and Altruism
20.8.1 Fostering Altruism and Empathy
20.9 Friendship and Play
20.9.1 Why Friendships are Important
20.9.2 Children's Play
20.10 Summing Up
20.11 Glossary
20.12 ~ n s w e rto
i Check Your Progress Kxercises

20.1 INTRODUCTION

Before you read about the development of social relationships during the preschool years,
you may like to recollect your experiences with preschoolers and cohsolidale your thoughts.
In your interactions with them what aspect of their social developmentstruck you themost? ,

How did you find them to be different from toddlers or older children in this regard? Write A

about these aspects in the space provided below.

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Perhaps you noticed that the preschooler is becoming independent. She takes initiative and,
being more self-directed th'm the toddler, she is able to achieve more. Perhaps you n o t i d
that she interac&more with her peers. She likes to be with friends and cousins and she plays
with them co-operatively. You may have obser~edthat she plays more pretend games
compared to the toddler. You may, at times,have seen her reacting sensitively towardspbple in
disuess. Perhaps you fclt that the child was gowing more sure of herself, or more aggressiveor
more friendly, than in the earlier years. And though you never &ulally taught her, you
discover that she has some fairly strong ideas about-how girls and boys ought to behave!

During the preschool years the child adds more dimensions to her personality and also
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- - over time. Parents have a crucial
dcvclops behayiour patterns which will be fairly stable
The ChUd: Devdopmd
Daring P ~ o oYean
l

mle in shaping the child's pmonality in these formative years. It is ,aecaregivers'

socialization techniques and child-rearingpractices that determine, to a large extenl how
socially competent the child grows up to be. This Unit will focus upon these aspects.

As you are aware, this Course deals with the development of children up to six years pf age.
However, in this Unit we have, at certain places, uaced the development of social skills
beyond tbis period as well, in order to provide you a broader perspective. The Sections
about deveIopment in the Iater years of childhood have been enclosed in boxes. They are
optional reading; you may read them if you are interested.

Objectives
After teading this Unit, you should be able to:

explain the importance of fostering initiative in the preschool child and describe the
behaviour and attitudes of the caregivers that can help in this
describe the stages in the development of self-conceptand state the factors that help in
forming a self-concept
delineate the stages in the development of concept of gender and describe the role of the
caregivers in promoting desirable social values and discouraging sex-role stereotyping
compare the different ways of disciplining, with reference to their effect on the child's
personality
differentiate the various parenting styles and identify those best suited to raising children
identlfy the causes of aggression and explain how the parents can socialize the child's
aggressive behaviour
understand the nature of peer in&tions in this age group
understand that the child shows more empathy and prosocial behaviour during the
preschool period
 Social RcHloarhip and
20.2 DEVELOPING INITIATIVE Child-Re-

Preschoolers have many skills at their command and ak able to plan tbeii actions which
allows them to do more and to act effectively. Wigreater contidence encourages them to
take on challenges. Preschwlers like to take initiative. 'Ibey will to do the more
difficult tasks -jump over a bush, put together a jigsaw puzzle and venture into the park
alone. They are eager to accept the guidance of adults and to learn to make plans for their
activity. Now the caregiver canchannelize the child's energy, enthusiasm and initiative
towards more specific goals. When the child meets with success in her initiatives, she'
develops confidence and a sense of self-esteem. But there is a problem when in her wish to
do something, the child goes tao far. For example, the four year old having started painting,
not only paints all the papers given to her, but also her clothes and those of her infant brother
sitting beside her. This may be clearly too much from the parents' point of view and, in an
attempt to teach the ch?ld the limits of her behaviour, they may punish her or restrict her
activity. When parents frequently punish the child, she may develop a sense of guilt.
She may feel that her actions are always wrong and.displeasing. When parents restrict her
all the time, she loses initiative. She is then likely to do only what she is ordered to do,
rather than choosing activities on her own. Such an auitude would be negative for the
child's development.

some responbibility for her Actions, without curbing her initiative. The child must learn to
conrrol those actions which are socially undesirable. Parents can help the child in this task
by explaining why she must not do something, instead of merely restricting her.

When there is balance between parental control and the initiative taken by children, then
children are able to take pleasure in their abilities and are better able to take guidance from
adults. But when this balance does not emerge, then the child's desires come in conflict with
what others want her to do. Then, in an effort to-avoid guilt and be accepted by others
(which seems to be possible only by obeying them), she restricts and overcontrols her
behaviour. She may begin to resent those who ask her to control herself. If this conflict is
not resolved, the child may grow up to be one who does not take initiative and m y also feel
that the only way she can do what is right is to deny herself the things that she wants. To
avoid such a situation, the caregivers need to be sensitive and must help the child cope with
ae conflicting feelings of initiative and guilt.

7'
 . . .
IbeCUl&Derdap.Qt
~ming~odym 203 SELF-CONCEPT

The toddler,YOU m d d ~ k , a sense other physical self, ie., the

has acqaired
mdentanding that she is an individual. 'Ihe next step in famning a concept of self is
defining on& m terms of one's physical c l u m m z i s attitudes,
~ beliefs and personality
traits. This process starts frum the presch00l'~emanti continue8thmughout one's life. La
us read how the self-concept develops over the preschool years.

Once the child became8 aware of herself, it is obvious that the first things sbe will no& are
bea physical &mUte&ticS. 'Ihus, the process of defining amelf begins with n e m g one's
physical featma. F'reschoolm &fine themselve? first in termsof genQa (bay or girl) and
observe how they appear -how tall they are,whether their hair is curly and similar things.
You may have noticed that even while desaibing objects, pmchoolers state their wtward
appeamce fnst They are likely to say that this ball is red m colom rather than saying that it
is made of rubber. Similarly, the preschool child, in developing a selfeoncept dctines
herself in terms of her visible characteristics.

When asked to describe their ownselves, prescbooleas also say what they like to play with,
where they live and what they like. Tbey describe t h d v e s m teams of their fFeqnent
behavim or Eammite action, snch as "can ride a tricycle". A driking aspect d
children's self-cbnceptat this agc is that their deacriptians otthemelvea anabsolute
-they'refer to themselves as either big or small, old or young. They do not generally see
themselves in relation to others and so, while desaibing themselves they do not use words
like bigger or smaller, older or young& to samebody else. This is in w m g with the
cognitive abilities,about which you have read in the earlier Unit. To give you an example of
the serf-conceptof preschoolers, here is a serf-dcscriptwnby one of them He said the
fillowing sentences when asked to tell something about hime& Of course, he did not say
aU of this at once, but gradually with coaxing.
"My name is Ali. I have bhck eyes and bkrck hair. I am six years oliL I liAe to phy with
ball I have brothers and sisters. Z live in Narch. I go to school I have many marbles".
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While playing and mteracting with preschoolen, yon could ask them qaestim which king
following space to write a ~ o o l e r * s
out what they think of t h d v a . You ccm wltBCthe
de8aiption of h e r s e w .

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.You may be intamted.in howing boar the coocept of self develops ww tba lata ytan, of
childhood, ahleacence and adulthod Tbe fnrtbea development io the concept of selfhas
been desribed in Box 20.1.
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BOX 20.1 : Self-concept in Later Years

Over the years, the child's self-concept becomes more elaborate. 4 her thinking
matures, she is able to think about herself. The older chid focuses less on external
characteristicsand more on internal 4ualities. She refers to her feelings and
thoughts while describing h a l f . Older children also begin to compare
themselves with others and they describe themselves using words like "less
smart", ''smarter than" and "not so good as". The following s e l f - m p t i o n of a
10-year-old brings out these aspects.
"My name is Am&. I am a girl I am tall I can't draw as well as Anita. I get
good marks in school I like toplay hop-scotch I have manyfriends".
The adolescent questions the norms, beliefs and attitudes of her society and
grapples with ideologies and values. She thinks of these things and her views on
these become a part of her self-concept.
Over the years, one's self-concept becomes broader and many dimensions are
add& to it. The self-concept is not static -it changes as the person changes her
opinions and beliefs.
It would be interesting for you to write 10 or 15 sentences about yourself which
you tbink describe you most closely. You could also ask your friend or a relative
to tell you what shehe thinks of you. You may find that in some aspects what you
think of yourself matches with what others t b i of you, and in others, your
pception of yourself is different from theirs.

20.3.1 Origins of Self-concept

How does one develop a self-concept? You read in Block 3 how the infant's explorations ot
her own body and interactions with others help her to develop a sense of physical self.
These very factors help her to develop her self-concept during childhood years. Let us now
read about this.

As the child's abilities develop, she achieves a feeling of competeuce. She recounts her
abilities saying, ''I can jump high", "I can cross the road myself ', ''I can get milk", ''I
carmot ride a bicycle" or "I can go to the market and buy vegetables". In this way she
learns about herself and these become a part of her concept of self. As she grows, her
self-descriptionsbecome more complex.

Interaction with others is the second factor that influences the child's selfconcept.
During everyday activities, parents and'others provide the child with information about
herself. When the parents make any odthe following kind of comments - "Why can't you
ever write properly?', "You are clumsy, always dropping things!", "You are smart", "We
know you can do this work'' or " You are a good child and we l i e you", the child begins to
believe these things about herself and makes them a part of her self-concept When parents
frequently give the child a positive feedback, the child develops a high selfesteem. When
parents constantly give the child a negative evaluation of her abilities, the child's self-esteem
will be low. Even when parents do not express their opinions, their beliefs about their chiid
get conveyed to her through indirect and subtle ways. Parents who believe that the chid is
not competent are not likely to give the child much responsibility. Their khaviour may lead
the child to fonn the opinion: "I am not competent to do anything". Then, in keeping with
this belief about herself, she is likely to behave in ways that bring out her incompetence, thus
reinforcing her low self-concept.

While it is important to give the child a positive evaluation of herself, it is equally

important that this feedback be a realistic picture of the child. False feedback which
makes the child believe that she has skills and abilities which in truth she does not possess,
may lead her to fonn an u~ealisticopinion about herself.

You would have interacted with children often and may also have played a major role in
Gauegiving. Some of you may be parents. Reflect upon your interactions with children.
is the type of feedback you give them? Do you usually praise their good behaviour or
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do you only give them a feedback about their incorrect behaviour? Above all, is your
feedback realistic? The next time you communicate witli children, just make a mental note
of the type of sentences you speak. If even for a day, you take care to see the type of
feelings you convey to children, you will be able to assess your own behavim. You may
like to note down a few comments about this here.
 Social R d a U d p a d
20.3.2 The Concept of Gender Child-Rearing
As you know the self-conceptalso includes one's concept of gender. Let us see how the
concepi of gender develops during the p~eschoolyears.

You have read that by the end of toddlerhood children can differentiate between men and
women on the basis of their external features, like hair length and clothing. They will also
be able to tell you whether they themselves are boys or girls.' This means that they have
acquired gender identity. But this does not mean that they have a complete understanding
of the concept of gender. One of the things they may not know is that gender remains
constant over time. They may believe that they, as well as others, can change their gender
by wearing the clothes and 'doing activities of the opposite sex.

Thus the next step in developing the concept of gender is the realization that one stays the.
same gender. This is called gender constancy and is achieved around four or five years of
a*. Preschoolers realize that they stay the same gender before they realize that this is true
for othm as well.

The constancy of gender is a little difficult for the preschooler to grasp, particularly since the
child's other physical attributes, and her appearance do change. This is not surprising after
you have read about the preschooler's difficulty in conserving. Conservation, you know,
involves the understanding that things remain the same even though they have changed
externally in some manner. The same is involved in gender constancy. Thus a complete
understanding of gender develops around five or six years of age, when the child is a little
less influenced by what she sees, be it the length of hair or the kind of clothes worn.

Another aspect of the concept of gender is acquiring sex-role behaviwr. This means
understanding what is appropriate femke and mdebehaviour. In our society, the notions
about these are fairly rigid and strong. Rigid ideas about what is masculine and what is
feminine behaviour are called sex-rolestereotypes. We think of men as competent, skilful,
assertive. aggressive, ambitious, strong and able to get things done. We think of women as
warm, expressive, more aware of other people's feelings, caring, quiet, gentle, dependent
.and submissive. However, with the changing values in society and with the spread of
education, these stereotypes have weakened. Women are taking up occupations earlier
considered to be male and are becoming more independent and self-reliant But though the
stereotypes are becoming blurred, they are nonetheless present and govern our behaviour to
a great extent You would have often heard parents say to their crying son. "Boys don't
cry"-. They buy different play materials for their daughters and sons. Children as young as
four years begn! to be influenced by these stereotypes. Let us see what ideas preschoolers
have about men and women

Three and four year olds have a remarkable amount ofinfcmnation about the social
expectations from the two sexes and have very defmite ideas about what boys and girls
ought to do. When asked, they may state that "girls ought to play with dolls" and "dress up
like women" and that "boys ought to play with trucks and play at being drivers and pilots"
By age five they also acquire stereotypes about personality traits and behaviour. The older
preschooler is more rigid in her notions of what is appmpriate male and female behaviour as
compared to the younger preschooler.

A study also brings out thispoint rather well. In this study of children between age four and
five, the researcher told them a story about a little boy who likes to play with dolls. In the
story the boy's parents tell him that only girlsplay with dolls and that boys^shouldnot. m y
buy him other toys but the boy still plays with dolls. 'Ilre children were then asked why the
boy was tqld not to play with dolls and whether it was right to.tell him so and what the boy
in the story should do.

Four year oldr thought that it was acceptable fpr the boy toplay with dolls, as there was no
ruk agaihst it. But six year oldrfelt that it was wrongfdr the boy to play with them

As children grow beyond the preschool years, they continue to develop their notions omow
males and females are expected to behave but they become less rigid about the stereotypes.
'Zbe nine and ten year olds recognize mare readily that one p n can combine masculine
and feminine behaviour. 'Zbey can accept'it mare easily if people do not display the
m e Chlld: Developlnmt stereotypical behaviour expected of them. In the above story, for examplk, most nine year
During P d o o l Years
olds replied that boys usually do not play with dolls but it was not 'wrong' for the boy in the
story to do so. One boy, for example, said, " You can play with dulls, but boys usually do
not".

An Alternative to Sex Role Stereotyping

It would be good if we were not rigid about correct male and female behaviour but rather
understood that masculine and feminine qualities are both necessary for every person and
inculcate such an understanding in children. A woman may be interested in repairing cars
and want to be assertive -traditionally defined as masculine traits in our society -and still
feel herself to be no less a woman than any other. A boy who can be gentle and kind
(tiaditionally seen as feminine qualities) will be better able to establish close relationships
than one who is unemotional and dominant.

It is desirable for a person to have both feminine and masculine qualities -to be
compassionate and independent, gentle and assertive. There is nothing wrong in
encouraging nunurance in boys and assertiveness in girls. It allows children a greater
variety of rbles, addlng a richness to their persoaality. Our interactions with children must
be guided with this in mind. When children raise questions about sex roles, we should
discuss them. We may draw attention to individual differences hmong people, rather than
only those based on gender. The aim behind such socialization is to help children reach their
potential instead of being limited by traditional models.

Check Your Progress Exercise 1

1) R e d the following statements carefully and indicate,.by ticking ( J )in the appropriate
box, whether you agree or disagree with them. In case of statements you disagree with,
mention in the place provided at the end of the exercise, why you disagree.

a) Preschoolers like to take initiative and face challenges, but if their actions are
frequently punished and restrictions placed on them, they may develop feelings of
guilt
I 1 Agree T I Disagee

b) Caregivers must help the child learn the limits of what she can do and control her
undesirable actions by curbing her initiative.
T I Agree 1-1 Disagree

c) 'Ihe preschool child has to find a balance between doing things as she wants and
doing what is socially acceptable.
T I Awe )) Disagree

d) Preschoolers acquire the concept of gender constancy around five years of age.

T I Awe a Disagree

k) e)e younger preschooler is not so rigid about s e x d e stereotypes as the older

preschooler.
T I A~ne Disagree

f) The different child-rearing practices that most parents employ with girls and boys is
one of the factors that promotes sex-role stereotypes.
Agree T I Dimsne
g)
It would be more fruitful to inculcate desirable traits and behavim in children
without worrying about whether they are traditionally masc~llineor feminine.

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2) Observe a preschooler for some time as she plays with other children, interacts with
adults, co-opexates with the caregivex in eating, bathing and diessing and in any othex
day-today situation. List five situations in which tbe child shows initiative and a
willingness to try out things herself. You rnay even write Liom your memory of such
interactions.

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3) After the child a q u h a sense of physical self, what is the next stage in the development
of selfconcept? -be briefly.

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20.4 CHILD-REARING.PRACTICES

Sunil was playing with some marbles in the room His nine month old brother was sitting on
the bedplaying with a doll. During hisplay,'the doll fell down on thefloor. The infant
crawled to the edge of the bed and peered over to look at the doll. He started to whimper.
Sunil, engrossed in his play, did not hear his brother. After sbme time, the.infant started . ,

crying in earnest. Startled now, Sunil looked upfrom his play. On seeing the doll he picked
it up, handed it to the infant, pattd him and playad with him for a while. Sunil's mother,
Who had come in on hearing the child cry, had k e n observing this interactionfromthe &or.
When the infant had stopped cjing, she came up to them, hugged Swi4 went to the infant
tind said playfully, "What happened! The doll fell down! See, Bhaiya is so good He gme
The Cbild: bovdagment and Ihen started stamping on them His elder brother, 15 years oU was returningporn the
Du*PrcsfhdYc~rs
m a r h . Shockf to see Ramu doing this, he caught his a m and moved him awayfmm the
ants. He spok angrib to him "What are you doing.? It is bad to kill anything. Don't do ir
ever agaid' '

In both these inl;tanq the chilclren are being brought up td show desirable social bebaviour.
In the first instance, the mother praises the child far helpful behaviour and, in the second, the
brother scolds thc child for being md to living creatures. The children are being socialized

Socializatioqas you how, is the process by which c h i h acquire 'Pehavioms, skills,

values, beliefs and standards that are cdamcteristic, appropriate and desirable in their cultnre.
Most parents have an idea-aboutwhat their children should be like. These are the goals of
socializationand they vary from one coltme to another and even from cme family to another
within a ad-. 'Ibe child acquires appropriate behaviour though the direct teaching of
parents, siblings, peers and teachers as well as indirectly as she watches people and imitates
their behaviour. S e x - W t e behaviour, traits like altruism and respect for other
people's rights are acquired in this manner.

The socializatian process begins frominfancy, as you would have gathered from the earlier
Units. The chid of the preschool age is more aware of herself, she is able to use speech and
can comprehend events. She is now able to miexstand what is demanded of her. The
parents now become more concerned about socializing her.

While the parents, teacheas, peers, radio, telexision and magazines influence the child's
personality m significant ways, the family is the single most important factor that shapes the
child. This is particularly true during the childhood years because the child spends a large
part of her time with the family members, The values, beliefs and norms of the culture are
imbibed thmugh the family.

In this Section, we will concentrate upon the methods used by parents to socialize the child
towards appropriate behaviour and away from inappropriate behaviour. 'Ihese methods can
be called the child-rearing practices. Parents differ widely in the type of child-rearing
practices they use. It is particularly important to discuss these, since they influence the
child's personality and attitudes. One of the major reasons for differences among the
children is the socialization they have experienced. Cextain tjpesof family environments
and experiences may be detrimental to the child, while gome may enhance the child's
potential.

One aspect of the child-rearingpractices is the type of disciplinary techniques employed by

parents. Another aspect is the parenting style. Let us first read about disciplinary techniques
and their consequences in the following sub-section. In the next sub-section we will read
about the parenting styles.

20.4.1 Wags of Disciplining

'
When a child does something which is unacceptable to the parents, they will try to stop that
action. Broadly speaking, they respond in one of the following two ways.

Some parents point out the consequences of the chiid's action to her, reason with her and
appeal to her sense of responsibility and concern for others in order to prevent her from
doing the same thing again. When disciplining the chid they are likely to say, "Don't hit
F'inkoo. It hurts her! '' or ''If you don't pick up your toys, I will have to do this later' '.
Such statements draw the child's attention to the feelings and motives of other people,
encourage her to reflect on her own behaviour, help her to understand the rules and know the
reasons for these rules. These parents are firm in their disciplining, yet they are affectionare
and gentle with the child. Tbey convey to the child that a cemh actionJbehaviour is wrong
without condemning the child. They say, ''Whatyou did was bad'' instead of saying, "You
are a bad girl". Such a method of disciplining is affection-oriented and is very effective in
socializing the child.

On the other hand, some parents mainly use commands to stop the child from a particular
behaviour. They say, "Don't do that!", "I tell you stop that at once!", without giving the
child a reason for why they want her to stop that behaviour. In this case, the parents use
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their authority and power to discipline without reasoning with the child. They may also
threaten the child and withhold privileges - "If you do not do this, I won't let you go to the
park''. They may also use physical punishment This technique is the power-oriented
technique of disciplining.

Most of us use both the abovementioned styles while disciplining children, as you will be
able to say from your personal experience. When the child is doing something which may
hurt her or others, most of us would resort to power-orienteddisciplining, for there is no
time to be lost in reasoning witb the child. Sometimes no other method but.power-oriented
technique works. Even after repeated explanations when the child does not stop the
undesirable behaGour, parents will resort to threats and,reprimands. The age of the child
also makes a difference. It is easier to reason with older children, while witb tbe younger
preschoolers parents may need to use power-assertion m more situations. Tbus, the type of
disciplining technique the parent employes is determined by the situation, tbe temperament
of parent and the child's own personality. But despite these, one can see that some parents
primarily use affktion-oriented disciplining, while others rely mainly on power-assertion to
socialize tbe child.

The affection-oriented way of disciplining is more effective in socializing the child. It

enhances the child's sense of moral values and behaviour and promotes a sense of personal
responsibility. The child accepts tbe parents' rules asher own and they become a part of her.
The child feels guilt and sbame when she does something undesirable. Such disciplining
style fosters an attitude of being responsible for-one's actions.

Thefollowing research study will make the above discussion clear to you. In this study, nine
bnd fen year old children werefirst allowed to play with some attractive toysfor about ten
minutes. Then they were told that these would be put aside and they would have to work
with an uninteresting pulley mechunism The children were then divided into three groups.
One group of children were simply t o 4 "Don't look at those toys again until I tell you".
Here power-oriented technique was u ~ e dto control behaviour. With the second group of
children a self-orientedtechnique was used i.e., one thatfocused on children's ownfeelings
- "Zfyou don't work hard on the pulley mechanism, you will have to do some of this work
later and you will have little time toplay with the good toys". The third group received
afection-oriented disciplining i.e., the one which.focused on thefeeling$ of another person
- "You will make me unhappy ifyou look at the toys now" and "Zfyou don't work hard
enough, I will have to ab some of this work later and I will have little,lime to do what I want
to do ". It was seen that the latter group of children worked the hardest with the
uninreresting toy and spent much kss time gazing at theforbidden toys, than the other two
groups of children. Thusfocusing on the other person's feelings and explaining the
consequences was the most eflective in persuading the children to do as told.

Why is it that the affection-oriented technique bas such positive and long lasting
consequences? One of the reasons is that when parents use this style of disciplining, they
help the child to focus on the feelings of others and Fis evokes concern. They appeal to the
child's emotions. Along with this, when the parents explain the rule, it gives the child
information against which she can judge her own actions and use it to guide her future
behaviour.

Ideally, the rnetbod bf disciplining should be such that it leads the child to internalise the
behaviour. This is the ultimate test of good soc5alization. When a child acts good only when
others are watching, she is doing so simply to please them or to avoid punishment Of
course, in the early years the factor that operates in the child's mind is, "What will my
m0tberJteacher say when I do this"? But as tbe child grows older, this reliance upon
external factors to control one's behaviour must shift to internal control, so that the child
herself feels a &sire to behave in acceptable ways.

Before you read further you might like to reflect upon your own behaviour to see what type
of technique you usually use with children. Do you use different techniques in different
situations? Do you discipline a five year old child in the same way as you discipline a 10
year old? Or are there differences? Would you like' to change your style of disciplining?
You may llke to h t e your thoughts in the space provided below.
We have spoken briefly about prmisbmeot m Block 3 as well as in the p c d h g paragqh.
You kaow by IDW that pun- can take d . m tfarms:
physical penishwnt slapping and spanking
verbal punishment: mlding, swearing, threatenmg
withhokling material things like eatables, toys or clothes

Let us read in some m m detail about this aspect of ~ ~as each onegof us has ,
widely d i f f i t views on this.
If punishment becames a reg* method bf dealing with the child's misbehaviour then it can
have many negative tmwquences, pa~WuIarly&he0parents do not explain the reason for
the punishment. Therefore, punishment must be used cautiously. One of the negative
effects, about which you have read m the preceding Section, is that the child fa&.to
internalize the rules. Excessive punishment may give the child a feeling that sbe never does
aoytbbg right, which is likely to lower her self-esteem TEe child usually becomes less
'compliant with adults and peers. When punishr6ent is used often, it leaves the child feeling
resentful and angry with the parent. She may begin to avoid the parent Seven punishment
may generate so much anxiety in the child that she does not learn the intended lesson.
These negative effects of punishment are increasedif parents often use physical punishment.
Besides,there is another undesirable long-lasting effect of physical punishment and that is
-parents who regularly use physical punishment serve as models of aggression.Watching
adults use aggression (punishment) t6 control situations, the child too begins to behave .
aggressively. Many research studies have suppcgted this fact. In one research study,
preschoolers were shown videotapes of psrent-child conflicts and asked what they would do
if they were the parenb In repay, the mentioned those methods of disciplining
which their own parents used with them. It can be said that parents who use severe
pu.nkbmeM are unknowingly mining their children to use punishment-oriented techniques
later on. It is possible thatpatents who use physical p u & h e n t we= themselves disciplined
in that way as children.
Fmm this discussion, what can we conclude about the role of punishment? Does it meam
that one sb6uld never purusb children? Whether punishlog the child will lead to such
negative consequences or not depends on how parents use punishment. If we use
punishment in acc&ce with some principles, it can pmmote self-controlwithout harming
the chiid's personality. Let us study these principles.
Punishments or prohibitions will have their greatest impact if the adult gives the reason for
the punishment. Do you remember having read about this aspect in the earlier Section on
affection-orieotedtechniques? 'IEii is the most important aspect of disciplining. Tbe
explanation, howevet, must be at the child's level of understanding. Naturally, for the yolmg
child the explqtion should be brief and specific.
The timing of the punishment is important P u n i i e n r i s most effective when it
immediately follows the misbehaviour. Ttre best time to stop an act is when it isjust about
to occur or as it is beginning. When the child snatches the toy for the first that is whar
the parent must step m, rather tban waiting foi the fiftb time wben the child does i t If this is
done,the need for physical punishment will not arise. If there is no other choice but to delay
the^llnirrhment, then later while punishing the child, the parent must state clearly why the
child is being punished.
An important aspect that determines how the child reacts to punishment by the parent is the Social Relatlon~hijm
anb
emotional relationship they share. Punishment from a nurturant ap affectionateparent is Chiid-Rearing
more l i l y to be effective than punishment firm a cold and withdrawn or hostile parent.
This is because when an affectionate parent punishes the child, the child loses the parent's
affection temporarily, which hurts her. So she stops the undesirable behaviour in order to
regain the parent's affection. On the other hand, when the parent is hostile and cold, the
punishment is not something very different from the parent's usual behaviour. So the child
does not lose much emotionally when she gets punished and khe makes little effort to correct
her behaviour.

One must be consistent in disciplining. It should not be that one punishes the undesirable
act one day, ignores it another day and praises it yet another day. Neither should the
undesirable behaviour be punished by one parent and let off by the other. This inconsistency
in actions confuses the child and consequently, undesirable behaviour persurs.

The punishment given for a certain action must be fair and mild. However, mild
punishment may not always have an effect. While the punishment may be just moderate, ~t
must not be severe because while that makes the child obedient, it also generates resentment
and fear.

One of the fonns of punishment used by many parents is making the child sit by herself,
away tiom others, for a short period of time. During this time everybody ignorcq the child.
After the punishment is over, everybody behaves nelmally with the child. The child must be
given an explanation for the punishment. Such a method is not generally physically or
emotionally hannfvl to the chid.

The child's role in punishment- It may seem strange if you have not thought about it, but
the chid's own personality and behaviour influence the type of punishment she gets. It has
been seen that children who are aggressive are punished more sp-ictly than those who are not
aggressive. Aggressive and non-aggressive children react differently to ponishment, which
in turn inf uences the parents' behaviour. Non-aggressive children when pun;$hed stop the
undesirable behaviour, while aggressive children usually increase their undesirable
behaviour, particularly if the power-oriented technique is being used. Seeing the child
det-mt, the parents become more punitive. Thus a cycle is set-up -the child misbehaves,
the parent punishes her, the child defies the parent, the parent uses more punishment and the
level of the child's aggression goes up. It becomes very difficult to break this chain of
events. It seems as if the parent and the child are caught in a trap. It remains then for the
parent to bring about a change in the situation.
Y

Thus, we saw that just as the parents' child rearing practices intluence the child's
personality, the child's temperament influences the type of rearing practices .of parents.

A few more examples will make it clear how parents and children influence each other's
behaviour. A child who remains irritable for most of the time is likely to be frustrating to the
parents. ~ e may y then react impatiently which in turn increases the child's irritability.
Parents who feel that their children are difficult, interact less with them and respond less
sensitively t their cries than other parents.

Check Your Progress Exercise 2

Answer the following questions briefly in the space provided below.

1) When parents use the affection-orientedtechniques of disciplining, what is their
behaviour towards the child?
I
P
The Cl~ild:Developmmt 2) What are the characteristics of power-oriented disciplining style?
During Preschool Years

3) If punishment is used to discipline the child, w M rn the aspects the caregiver should
keep in mind?
.................................................................................................................................................
.................................................................................................................................................

4) What are the negative effects of punishing the child frequently, particularly physically?

20.4.2 Styles of Parental Behaviour

Disciplinary techniques are just one aspect of parent-child relationships. There are many
other dimensions of parents' behaviour that influence the c h i s personality. Each parent
bas a distinct parenting style. Some parents are loving and affectionate while some are
hostile and rejecting and yet others, indifferent Some parents are finn about rules, some are
lax and others are strict about them. ?bere are many other aspects of parental behaviour. By
and large, the parenting style adopted by a parent is fairly stable over time and across
situations. But this does not mean that the parent is inflexible. A parent who is usually strict
about enforcing rules may, in some cases, allow the child considerable flexibility. The style
of writing has a long-lasting effect on the chid's personality. Therefore, parents need to
decide very carefully which parenting style they would like to adopt.

It would be difficult to describe all the styles of parental behaviour. For ease of discussion,
we will p u p parents into four broad categories and see how each style influences the
child's personality.

r '.n and Affectionate Parenting: These parents are warm, loving and supportive of the
chilC's efforts and accomflishments. They often praise the child. They show enthusiasm in
the child's activities, respond sensitively to her feelings and show empathy and compassion.
They betlally put the child's needs over their own. They enderstand their CL Id's personality
clwxteristics a d points of view.
 Social Relatiwarhip and
, Chiid-Rearing

p"
11

Such parents are t-min blsciplining. They lay down simple rules and make it clear to the
child that these have to be obeyed and what may be the consequences of disobeying. At the
same time, they explain the reasons for the rules. In other words, they limit the child's
behaviour but within these limits they encourage independence. They allow enough
tlexibility for the child to act independently within the rules. Before formulatingrules and
arriving at decisions, they often ask children about their views and encourage discussion.
They listen to children's objections. Listening means more than nodding one's head when
the ch~ldis speaking. It means considering what the child is saying and responding to it.
This will give the child the feeling that she is saying something that is worthwhile ind that
her opinions are importank -Such an atmosphere refleck a high level of wannth and a good
communication between the parents and the child. The child feels that it is easy for her to
express her true feelings to her parents.

Parents who demand and expect mature behaviour from the child set high standards of
achievement fbr her. But along with this, their demands from the child are reasonable and in
keeping with her abilities. When the parents' expectations of the child are reasonable, the
child is able to meet the parents' standards and derives a sense bf competence from this.
This feeling of confidence carries over to other situations. It is important to restate one point
here. The key concept is realistic expectations. Unrealistic demands will lower the child's
self-esteem as she can nwer fulfil them.

Such a parenting style -affsctionate, firm and yet flexible -fosters independence and
self-reliance in children. Children show mature behaviow earlier, have higher self-esteem,
show more generosity, are sensitive towards others and are less aggressive. They are
friendly and get along well with peers. They'are more willing to try out new things and
explore -a trait that is associated with creativity. They are more planful and perform bettc~
in school compared to other children.
 he child: I ) ~ V ~ I W C J I ~ Rigid and Inflexible Parenting: The foremost c h a r a c d t i c of th& parents is that they use
Durlng Preschool Yesrs
very little reasoning to discipline the child. Rather, they use power-oriented techniques to
inculcate desirable social behaviour. They view themselves as those who are in authority.
They set the rules and demand that the children obey them unquestioningly. They are rigid
about the rules they have set They do not communicate the reason for their rules and
decisions to the child and do nQt encourage her to have a viewpoint They value obedience
and discourage independent behaviour, questioning and exploration. They are highly
conbrollmg of the child's behaviour. The child is not allowed to think and act on her own.
These parents are also less warm and affectionate. They seldom praise the child. Some of
them may even be openly hostile and rejecting.

It has been seen that children belonging to tach families are generally discontented,
disuustful and withdrawn. Tbey may also have d~IBcultyin forming relations with peers qnd
do not get along well with them. Since the children are seldom encouraged to try out things,
they have a lower self-esteem compared to other children. In response to the parents'
bebaviour, some of these children may become subdued and timid while others may react to
the parents' behaviour by showing a higb level of aggression. As teenagers. these chiibn
do less well in school since they had no early opportunity to act spontaneously.

Permissive Parenting: These parents are lax in disciplining. They give children all the
freedom to do as they want. There are almost no rules for children and the parents do not
expect much from them. In fact, children tend to make their own rules. Parents rarely
demand that the child behave in a mature manner. Children in these families have the
freedom to do as they want and have few responsibilities. Parents express their warmth and
love to the children liberally.

Children of such parents have been found to be the least mature or self-&tiant. They are not
l i l y to take on responsibility and may be immature in their behaviour with peers. They are
not independent and they show high levels of aggression, since the parents do not make
efforts t9 control the child's aggression.

Neglect in Parenting: These are parents who neglect their children. They are not interested
in their children and do not bother about them. They do not show much warmth and love.
They do not control the child's behaviour or expect mature behaviour.

This sort of parenting style is associated with the most negative intluence on children's
personality. Children of such parents show disturbances in their relationship with peers,
both in childhood and adulthood. They lack social skills of relating to others and do not
display leadership skills. In fact, they may show anti-social behaviour in adolescence and
adulthood. They are also not highly motivated to achieve and do not try hard fw success.

While we have stated that aparticular parerlting style leads to certain specific personality
characteristics in children, it must be remembered that we have only mentioned generalities.
The outcomes we have described with each parenting style are the mostly likely outcomes,
but they are not the only ones. The behaviour of the parents is just one of the many factors
that affects the child's behaviour. The child is aLw influenced by the people she meets
outside the family. If the parents are hostile but others are supportive and warm, the chid's
per-wnality may develop positively. It is also possible that each of the paren.ts uses a
different parenting style. If one of the parents is restrictive and the other is flexible, it will
have a different impact on the child than when both the parents are restrictive.

20.5 PROVIDING NURTURANCE AND FOSTERING

INDEPENDENCE

You know that as the child grows, she is able to do many tasks by herself. The preschooler
q? 70 longer as dependent on the parents as the toddler. As she enters the mkidle chilclhood
year and adolescence, she will become more independent. It is important to encourage the
child's desire to do things on her own because this promotes self-confidence. This is also
related to how the child deals with situations in life and to what extent she believes that she
has p~ntrol over things.
How indepenaent a child will be in the childhood years, and later in adulthod, depends Soda1Relathshlps a d
upon how the parents handle the child's early dependency. Parents want to protect their child-~c~rhrg
children as well as prepare them to face danger and 6rustration. One of the greatest
challengerof parenting is achieving a balance between too much and too little protectiveness
towards c6ilben. Let us read about this briefly.

Dependent behaviour of children takes two forms:

Affectionmeking: Children want to be loved. When they are praised and

noticed, they feel loved. When the child says, "Look at me!", she is expressing a
desire to be praised and reassured of the parents' love.

Helpseeking: When facea wltb a task that the child finds dmcult, she asks for
help, Besides enabling her to do the task, the adult's help also reassures her that
they care for her.

How should the parents respond to the preschooler's dependent behaviour? It may seem
paradoxical but when the parents respond to the child's dependent behaviour positively, it
makes the child gOw up to be more independent than when they punish her for dependent
behaviour. A child who asks for affection and gets it from the parents is likely to grow up to
be an emotionally secure, independent adult. To put it in other words, children who are not
provided nurturance when they need it, may continue to seek it as they grow older. As
adults they may feel emotionally insecure and this can lead to dependent behaviour and
excessive reliance on others. If the major factor in one's relatioflships as an adult is the need
for love and security, then it can be very handicapping. It can curtail independent
functioning to a great extent. An example from preschool years will make this clear. The
child who clings to the parents when they leave her at the preschool and does not lei them
go, is likely to be the one whose dependent behaviour ha not been sufficiently responded to
by the parents. So she finds it difficult to be separated from the parents for some time each
day., In the school this child maygeek excessive attention from the teachers. On the other
hand, the child who adjusts to the new school environment without much of a problem and
makks friends is the one whose parents have provided nurturance. She is thus able to act
independently.

On the other extreme are overly protective parents who encourage dependent behaviour and
respond anxiously when the child asks for help, instead of encouraging her to try herself.
They can make the child anxious as well. The child then does not learn ways of handling
problems on her own and, as an adult, may rely excessively on others.

How can one foster independence in the chid? It is often a case of each parent finding a
balance between indulging the child and being firm and between helping the child at the
slightest difficulty and asking her to do everything on her own.

20.6 RELATIONSHIP WITH SIBLINGS

Most families in our country have more than one child. Interacting with siblings is as much
a part of h e child's life as interacting with parents. In fact, in many families where the older
child looks after the younger ones when the parents go out to work, more time is spent with
siblings than with parents. Siblings thus are sibmiticant agents of socialization.

There is one markcd difference in the child's relationship with siblings as compared to her
relationship with paten%. Can you think what it may bc? Siblings are nearer in age to txcb
other and the relationship between them is more equal, friendly and democratic than with
parents. Howsoever flexible and childcentred parents may be, they are sbll perceived as
authority Agures by the child.

-
Siblings provide the child emotional security. In stressful and confusing situations, they are
sources of support and advice. They can be confded in. There are many childhood secrets
that only siblings can share. Older siblings set standards of behaviour. You would have
noticed how the younger child tries to imitate the older one. Codes of loyalty, helpfulness
and protection are very strong between brotheq and sisters.

While on one band, the relations between siblings may be egalitarian, on the other hand the=
may be conflict, domination and competition. Rivalry and jealousy between siblings is not
uncommon and,m tbese cases, parents must deal with tbe situation sensitively. The b i d of a
second child can upset tbe older child, particularly if the parentr begin neglecting the older one.
Check Your h.ogress Exercise 3 * 4, S o d r l R d s t i ~ p s s n d
6
~ - R ~
1) You have rrad that each pamting style fosters Certain specifii personality charactesistia %

in children. List these in the spaceprovided below:

PARENTING STYLE PERSONALITY CHARACTRUSTICSOF CHILDREN

a) Rigid and Inflexible ................................................

..................................................
.................................................
................................................
b) F m and Affecthate ................................................
................................................
.................................................
.................................................
C)PefmiSSivem t i n g ................................................
................................................
................................................
................................................
d) Neglect in Parating ................................................
................................................
................................................
..................................................

2) In Column 1are listed the four styles of parental bebaviour. In Column 2 are the various
characteristics of such parents. Match them.
COLUMN 1 COLUMN 2
1) Firm and affectionateparenting a) warm, loving and,praise the child's
efforts
2) Rigid and inflexibleparenting b) rigidity in rules; expect children to
obey unquestioningly
3) Pemisivepting c) use little reasoning to discipline
4) Neglect in parenting d) not interested in chiidten
el flexibility within rules; explain
reasons for rules
do not show much love add warmth
lax in disciplining; almost no rule8
childrenarenotexpe&dtoshow
matm behaviow, they & as they want
discourage independeat thinking and
behsviom
less wann and nurturant; seldom
.praise the child; some may be openly
hostile and rejecting
make realistic demands on the child
listen u,children and encourage
discussion
The Chlld: Devdopasent
DO~PrerhodYc~v(~ 20.7 AGGRESSION

In Block 3 we talked about some of the reasons for aggressive behaviom among children.
Wben toddlers are upset or f r u s m , they may express their emotion by behaving
aggressively. .They may throw things and kick others. Preschoolers, beside displaying
physical aggression, also begin to use verbal aggression such as calling names and taunting
It is during the preschool years-thatparents start to deal with aggression more strictly. Let us
now read what inay be the causes of aggressive behaviour among preschoolers and how the
parents can socialize the child away fiom it,

mere are many situations in which the preschool child may feel frustrated and, therefore,
behave aggressively. .Shemay have been punished, she may not be getting the attention of
parents, she cannot get the toy she wants to play with or has been left out of the playgroup.
When preschoolers play together, some frustration is bound to result, as they fail to considm
each other's point of view. Such situations can lead to temper tantrums, screaming and
physical aggression. But there are wide individual differences in the way children deal with
or react to frustrations, as well as in the amount of frustmtion each child can tolerate. Of two
preschoolen who are unable to get what they want (i.e. when they are frustrated),one may
begin to play with something else (a non-aggressiveresponse), while the other may begin to
kick the things lying around ( an aggressive response). These individual differences will be
noticeable if you were to watch a group of children playing together. Since ag-ion is
neither a desirable nor a fruitful way of dealing with situations, it is important for the
caregives to socialize the child away £mm aggressive behaviour. One way this can be done
is to understand Ghat causes children to behave aggmsively and then remove those causes
, so that the child's behaviour changes.

20.7.1 Understanding Aggressive Behaviour

The reasons, as for most other traits, are t be founain both heredity and environment.
There are inborn temperamental differences among children which cause differences in the
1
amount of aggession shown by ea~h.However, these biological factors only give rhe child
apredisposition to behave -they do not actually cause aggressive behaviour. It is the
experiences the child bas with the people around her that will facilitate or restrain the
expression of these aggressive tendencies. Thus,aggression is, to a great extent, learnt fiom
'others. The family setting, the relationship of the child with her parents and the parent's
own behaviour determine whether the child behaves aggressively or not Let us see what
aspects in the family setting can promote aggressive bebaviour. 1
Family Setting and Aggression
You know that one of the ways in which childten learn to behave aggressively is by
watching others. Parents who are aggressive themselves serve as models for aggression
and their children are likely to imitate thein aggressive behaviour. One research study
showed conclusively that aggressive behaviour is learnt through imitation. In that sthdy,
children between three andfive years of age were divided into three groups. One of the
groups watched afilm where an adult punished, threw, kicked and sat on a rubber doll.
Another group watched afilm in which a cartoonfigure hit the doll and third group saw the
adult sit quiet@ near the doll, paying no attention to it at all. After watching thefifm,
children were allowed to play with their toys and a doll similar to the one in thefilm Most
~f the children who had seen the doll being hit by the adult, hit the doll themselves and man)
of them imitated the adult's actions blow by blow. Most of the childten in the third group
played with the doll, without kicking it or behuving aggressively towards it.

Inconsistency between the taregiver's words and actions is another factor that increases
aggressive behaviour in children. When parents verbally dmpprove of aggressive behaviour
but, in practice, use aggression towards others, the child shows higher levels of aggression.
As in the case of learning to be altruistic, it is not enough to say "Do what I say". One has to
set an example.

Parents behavim towards the child may cause the child to behave aggressively. Parents
who are hostile and rejecting towards their child are increasing the chances of their child
behaving aggressively. The child uses aggression as a means of atuacung the parents soda1 RelaPomhlps and
Chlld-Rearing
attention.

You have read that confused and disordered parenting, when parents do rtot enforce any code
of behaviour, is referred to as permissiveness. This also.encourages aggression in the child.
These parents are lax about disciplining and such an atmosphere gives the child the freedom
to do as she wants. She meets with little resistance to her aggressive behaviour.

You know that when parents use physical punishment inconsistentlyand arbitrarily, i.e.
as and when they feel like it, it usually leads to aggression in the child But again there are
individual differences. Some children suppress their hostile responses if they
. .are punished,
but others persist, and some even increase their aggressive behaviour.

It has been seen that there is a difference in the way aggressive and non-aggressive children
interpret other people's behaviour. Aggressive children are more likely to think that there are
hostile intentions on the part of people even when none exist. When the situation is not
clear, such as being hit by a ball while playing, aggressive children are more likely to think
that they were hit on purpose. Consequently, they retaliate, the other child hits back and a
quarrel begins.

Aggressive parents and aggressive children tend to reinforce each other. 'Ibe parents set a
~ l ethe
, child reacts defiantly and the parent, in turn, gives a stronger punishment and uses
stronger threats. The child responds to this by increasing aggression. Thus, such an
interaction serves to maintain aggression. This once again highlights the fact that it is not
only socialization that influences the child's personality, but also the child's temperament
that influences her socialization.

Socializing Aggression
How does then one break into this cycle of aggression? It is important to do so because the
trait of aggression is, by and large, fairly stable over time. Studies have shown that
aggressive children generally behave agiressively as adults. One of the foremost thing's is
that the adults must modify their behaviour. Another way to reduce the child's aggression is
to help her understand that there are other ways of expressing anger, besides being
aggressive. When parents punish the child for behaving aggressively, they have given the
child the message about what she cannot do, but they have not told her what she can do.
Consequently, the child again repeats what she knows best i.e. she behaves aggressively.
Therefore, it is important to teach the child alternate ways of dealing with frustration and
anger. Some of the ways could be talking things over, expressing anger verbally, asking for
help, trying harder or abandoning the task for a while and coming back to it later.

Reflect &n the interaction pattern of kyfamily that you know closely. Would you say -
that there are high or low levels of aggression in this family? Do you feel that their
behaviour could be moditied in some way?

......................................................................................................................................................
......................................................................................................................................................
......................................................................................................................................................
.....................................................................................................................................................
......................................................................................................................................................
......................................................................................................................................................

20.8 EMPATfiY AND ALTRUISM

You have read about empathy and altruism in the last Block. You have read how some
toddlers will hug or kiss a person who is looking distressed, in an effortto help. That they 89
 -
The Chlld: Development can infer the emotional state of another person means that they can recall their own earlier
Dudng Preschool Yeam
emotional experiences and understand how the other person must be feeling. They are,
however, still limited to their own perspective in deciding what would be most comfoqing
for the distressed person. During preschool years, as the child's ability to see things from
another person's perspective develops further, she responds by doing what the distressed
person would l i e . The following incident brings out how well five year old Salma
understands her mother's feelings and how sensitively she deals with them.

Sulmu's mother was not feeling well and was resting in bed. Salmu, who had been playing
outside, came in to find her mother looking ilL Salmu went up to her, placed her hand on
herforehead and s a d "Are you ill? Should I tell Papa? We will call the doctor. O.K. ", and
ran out of the room to look for her father in the neighbouring house.

But, of course, preschool children do not display such understanding every time. There are
many instances when they behave as if others must be feeling just as they do. They believe
that others would be sad and happy at the same happenings as they themselves. Others
would be sad if "she lost her toy", and bappy "if she hit the ball on target". Learning to take
another's viewpoint is a slow and gradual process. As you know, it is towards the end of
preschool years that children become less egocentric. They then realize that others would
feel sad and happy for different reasons. . ,

BOX 20.2 : Development of Empathy in Later Years

Gradually, over the middle childhood years, the child is able to empathize with
several contradictory emotions at once, as the following example will show. Ramu
and Suresh chullenged Ali to climb the tree growing near the pond in the village.
Ali took up the challenge a& the three of them went towards the tree. Ali began to
climb, but he hudjust climbed a little w- fell down Suresh began to clap and
jump in glee on having been proved right, bu? Ramu began to move fbnvard to he$
him and then stopped abruptly. On being asked later why he did not go to Ali's
help, Ramu said he knew Ali was hurt but Ali was also feeling embarrassed and
would not have liked it if someone came to his help.
Over the middle childhood years the amount of baring, helping and cooperation
increases. Gradually, children a q u h a more complete understanding of others'
emotions and their responses become subtle. With tlle touch of a hand or a glance
they convey that they understand what the person is feeling. An adolescent is able
to infer what another person may be feeling even though the person may not show
that emotion.

20.8.1 Fostering Altruism and Empathy .

Just as in the case of aggression, children differ markedly in the extent to which rbey show
prosocial behaviour. And the trait of prosocial bebaviour is, by and large, stable over time.
As in the case of most persondty traits, the social experiences in the family determihe the
child's empathetic responses to a great extent One of the factors is the attachment bond
with the caregivers, developed in the fust year of life. Children who form a secure
attachment in the fust year of lie, show greater cpncern and sympathy with peers in
childhood years.

Disciplinary techniques and the child-rearing practices used by the caregivers also influence
the extent of empathy show by preschoolers. Affection-orienteddisciplining helps to
develop empathy, as it helps the child to understand how the other person is feeling. Once
the child feels empathy, she is more inclined to behave in prosocial ways. You must have
seen this in y o u interactions as well, The child who recalls how difficult it is to shift a table
alone, moves in to help a child. In contrast, power-oriented techniques, where the parent
uses statements like, "Don't do so! I am telling you!" or "Stop that!", do not give the child
any clue about how the other parson is feeling or whiit is wrong. This does not help develop
empathy.

As the child interacts with more and more people, she gets an oppoItunity to take into
account viewpoints. This bring$ about increased empathy.
 Swi-4Relidionshilw, and
20.9 FRIENDSHIP AND PLAY child-~earing

Friends and agemates are an important part of one's life and have a great influenceon one's /I

personality. Many of us have lasting friendships with the peers we came to know in
childhood.

Play is a strong motivation to make friends. Playing with others begins after two years of
age. Toddlers begin interacting with each other. They will touch each other, smile, squeal,
utter soundsand play with each other's clothes or feet. If one of them has a toy, their
interaction may continue for a longer period. They may play with the toy, taking turns with
it. These early 'hendships' are not stable and may not carry over even to the neG day,
unlike the friendships of a later period.

During the pieschool years, interactions between children increase and become more
positive. Older preschoolers play with each other, cooperating and taking turns. They begin
to make friends. They prefer to spend time with and be close to some peers, and not with
others. They may express sadness and unhappiness when separated from them. Preschool
children usually select playmates of the same sex. They engage in pretend play with their
friends, are more agreeable with them, comply to their demands, offer sympathy and
assistance to them and ask about their experiences.

W i l e interactions with peers become more social than in toddlerhood, preschoolers do not
I make lasting friendships. Friendships of this period have been described as "Momentary
playmateship". They are quickly formed and terminated. To the five and seven year olds, a
friend is someone whom they are playing with at that time. This view of friendship comes
through if you ask them how people make friends. In response they are likely to say, "they
play together". Playmatesfor the child are usually neighbours or schoolmates.

Towards the end of pseschool years children begin to understand that it is m m o n interests
and feelings, and not just things, that keep friends together, But they take into account only
the immediate events. So one hears statements such as. "She is not my friend any more
because she didn't do what I wanted her to", "You like a friend if he does what you want".
During middle childhood years trusting each other, responding to each other's needs, .
presence of desirable attributes such as kindness and considerateness in the friend are critical
teatures of friendship. Friends help each other. In adolescence the meaning of friendship
becomes deeper. Friends understand each other and share each other's innermost thoughts
' aad feelings.
a t a n 1Devdopmcat 209.1 Why Friendships are Important
DIuhgPrtadbdYm
Friends sene many important functions for the preschooler. Foremost, friends give the child
emotional security. The child feels accepted by people who are like her. Secondly, friends
like to do just the things the child does. No adult will have the patience to crawl under a
chair, then climb on to a table, then jump from it and then stand on one leg and repeat this
activity five times in order to please the "demon of the mountain who has threatened to drop
huge rocks". They do things which would not be half as much fun doing alone. Thirdly,
friends learn many skills from each other. Fourthly, friends set standards agaimt whjch
the child can judge herself. A sense of healthy compehtion that is generated, spun the
child to develop many skills. Friends also provide the child with information about herself
and her abilities. All this helps the child to form a self-concept.

Fifthly, interactions with peers foster cognitive and social development. While playing
with and tallring to peen, children begin to look at things from another's perspective.
Repeatedencounters of this nature help the child to move away from egocentric thinking.
Taking another person's pempective, you know, is basic to many cognitive ta& and a
crucial element of successful social interactions with people.

20.9.2 Children's Play

As children grow older, there is a change in the nature of their play in keeping with their
growing social and cognitive abilities. Let us first see how the nature of play changes
cognitively.'Till about two years of age, the child's play activity is mostly sensori-motor,
such as running, stacking objects, rattling beads, pshing things, throwing a ball and so forth.
Once children are a0le to think symbolically, they engage in make-believe play. This, you
know, accurs around two years of age.
You know that over the years these pretend games increase in complexity. It is not as if in S*dRdafi-nod
the preschool years sensori-motor play doesnot occur at all. It does, but in combination with thud-~dg
other kinds.

The nature of play also changes from a social point of view. Toddlers generally play alone
because playing games with rules requires greater cognitive ability and social.skills. Children
are not able to play these till later. Preschoolers can participate in simple group games but
participation in games with more abstract rules is seen in the middle childhood years.

Check Your Progress Exercise 4

Answer the following questions briefly in the space provided below.

1) What are the factors in the family that promote aggression in the child?
..............................................................................................................................................
..............................................................................................................................................
.................................................................................... ...........................................................

2) HOW can parents-fosterthe development of empathy and prosocial behaviour in children?

..............................................................................................................................................

3) Briefly describe the nature of friendship dduring the preschool years.

..............................................................................................................................................

4) What role do friends play for the preschoolers?

The Child: DeJctop~~lr~d
~ u r i n gPreschool Years 20.10 SUMMING UP

In this Unit, you have read about the salient aspects of social development in the preschool
years. Preschool years are a time when the child is developing initiative. In an attempt to
"matlage" the child and teach her the limits of her behaviour, caregivers may place many
restrictions on her and punish her. This may cause a feeling of guilt in the child about her
actions. Caregivers must channelize the child's initiative towards constructive ends, which
will help her to develop self-confidence. During pr&chool years the concept of self
broadens. The preschooler begins to define herself in terms of her physical characteristics,
attitudes, beliefs, likes and dislikes.' The self-conceptdevelops as others tell the child about
herself and as she herself finds out about her abilities. By five years of age, the child is clear
.about his or her own gender. Sex-role stereotypes are learnt early in the childhood years and
this is not surprising since aduld behave differently towards boys and girls. They expect
different personality characteristics in boys anbgirls. However, it would be more useful if
caregivers inculcate desirable social values, without being overly concerned about whether
the values are conventionally masculine or feminine.

The disciplinary techniques used by parents to socialize the child have a strong impact on,
her personality. Affection-orientedtechniques, which rely on reasoning with the child to
foster the desired behaviour and appeal to the child's sense of responsibility, have a
beneficial impact, while power-oriented techniques, which rely on threatening the child or
withholding privileges without explanation, can be harmful. The former techniques promote
internalization of moral values and enhance the child's sense of personal responsibility.

Of all the fonns of punishment, physical punishment is often the most hannful to the child.
When the parent does not explain the reason for the punishment or is inconsistent, then the
child may begin to resent the parent. She does not internalize the rules. Excessive
punishment can lower the child's self-esteem and generate anxiety. If punishment is used
judiciously, it can lead the child away from undesirable behaviour. Besides the disciplinary
techniques, the parenting style influences the child's personality. One can broadly speak
about four styles of parenting -f i and affectionate parenting, rigid and inflexible
parenting, permissive parenting and neglect in parenting. F i and flexible parenting
techniques fosters the most positive combination of skills in the child.

Socializing the child away from aggressive behaviour is an important task of the parents.
Children who are more than ncxmally aggressive usually grow up to be aggressive adults.
Aggression is, to a great extent, learnt by watching others use aggression as a means of
dealing with problems. Parents who are hostile and unloving towards the child promote
aggression. Inconsistentdkipliiing is another factor. Parents must modify their own
behaviour and must teach the child non-aggressive ways of dealing with frustration:

Childien show empathy and altruism frequently during the preschool years. As they are
better able to see another's point of view, they respond to the person's distress suitably.
Affection-oriented techniques of disciplining foster the development of empathy and
prosocial behaviour. Like aggression, these are traits that are fairly stable over time.

The interactions with peers become more meaningful during the preschool years.
Preschoolers begin making friends. Playmates for the child are peers whom she sees most
frequently and friendship involves sharing toys and play material. During the preschool
years, the natnre of play changes from both the qgnitive and thesocial point of view. As
the child's social and cognitive skills mature, she spends more time in co-operative play and
less in solitary play.

20.11 GLOSSARY

Anti-social behaviour: Behav3our that is harmful to the functioning of a group or a society.

-
Arbitrarily: Based on opinion, accident or sudden decis'lon only; not on reason.
94 Creativity: The mental process that leads to solutions or ideas that are unique and novel.
Defiantly: Showing disobedience.
Feedback: Any information about oneself that leads one to modify one's behaviour and
action.
Realistic pictnre: A true picture.

20.12 ANSWERS TO CHECK YOUR PROGRESS

EXERCISES

Check Yonr Progress Exetcise 1

1) a) A p e
b) Disagree. ?he caregivers have to teach the child self-control and limits of her
behaviour but they have to do so without curbing her initiative. If something must not
be done, they must explain to the child why it is so, instead of simply restricting her
actions.
c) A p e
d) Agree
e) A m
0 A m
8) Agree
2) There will be many situations where the child wants to do things by herself -suc! as
wanting to bathe herself, initiating conversation or a play activity. All these are
examples of showing initiative.
3) In the next stage of the development of self-concept,preschoolers begin to define.
themselves m terms of their physical characteristics. They talk about what they like and
do not like, what they are good or bad at doing and where they live. As yet, they do not
see themsklves m relation to others.

Cbeck Ymr Progress Exercise 2

1) The parents reason with the chid about the rules. Tbey are firm and gentle. They .
correct the child's behaviour without ridiculing her.
2) When parents use power-oriented techniques, they use commands to stop the behaviour.
They do not explain the reason for their commands.
3) The following aspects must be h e in mind:
i) The reason for the punishment should be explained.
ii) It should be given consistently.
iii) Punishment should immediately follow undesirable behaviour.
iv) It should be mild or moderate in severity.
v) Punishment from a loving parent is more effective than one from a hostile p m t .
4) - It may leave the child resentful.. Feeling thatpaknts are unfair, she may avoid tbea
- The child may fail to internalize the standards.
- It may lower the child's self-esteem and create feelings of shame and doubt.
- It may inculcate aggressive behaviour m children.
The Child: Dtvdopmmt Cheek Your ProgressExercise 3
Doling PrcsehQOlYears
1) COLUMN I . COLUMN 11
Parenting Style Personality Characteristicsof Children
a) ~ i g i and
d Infleible discontented, distrustful, withdrawn, diff~cultym pea
relations, lower self-esteem,do less well m school,
same may become aggressive and others timid,
moderately self-reliant .
b) E m and Affectionate Independent, self-reliant, higher self-esteem, get along
with peers,do be- in school, planful,
achievement-oriented high on empathy and pro-social
behaviour, more confident, willing to try out new
things, mature
c) P-ve Parenting least mature or self-reliant or controlled, least likely to
take on responsibility, likely to be thoughtless of
others, may show high levels of aggression
d) Neglect in Parenting lack social skills,'no leadership skills, disturbed
relations with peers and adults, possibly anti-social
behaviour in adolescence.

Check Your ProgressExercise 4

1) The family dynamics can promote aggression in the following ways:
- parenls may serve as models for aggressive behaviour
- mconsistent disciplining of aggressive behaviour shown by the child
- use of physical punishment in disciplining the child
- hostile and rejecting attitude of the parents towards the child
2) Parents can foster empatby and prosocial behaviour in the child by:
- providing warmth and being caring towards the child
- modelling prosocial behaviour
- &g affection-cniehted method of disciplining
- being frrrh and affectionate in parenting
3) Friendships of p&ml age are "momentary playmatesbip". To preschoolers a fiend
is sameone you play with at that time. Preschoolers are not concecned about lasting
friendships. Older prescbooleas realize that feelings keep friends together, but they only
think about their needs.
4) i) Friendsptcvide emotionat security.
ii) From them the child learns many skills.
iii) They serve as standards against whom the child evaluates herself.
iv) I'nteractionSwith friends fosfer cognitive and social development.
v) Friendsenjoy doing the same things as the child herself.