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in: Transcripts, Shrek, Movies

Shrek (film)/Transcript
< Shrek (film)

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This is the transcript for the 2001 film, Shrek.

Transcript
(The DreamWorks Pictures logo plays out, with dreamy music
playing underneath. At the end of the logo, the S's in "DreamWorks"
and "SKG" turn green and grow out ogre ears, matching the film's
logo. Credits saying "DreamWorks Pictures Presents" and "A
PDI/DreamWorks Production" appear.)

(A ray of light shines down on a leather-bound storybook. The book

opens and a Scottish-accented voice begins reading its text)

Shrek: Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had
an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be
broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded
by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had
attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed.
She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest
tower. For her true love and true love's first kiss.

(Shrek chuckles and rips out a page of the book and closes it)

Shrek: Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of -

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

(We see an outhouse and hear the sound of a toilet flushing. Out
steps Shrek, an ogre, who tugs at his underwear and shakes his
foot of the page still stuck to his shoe. He looks lovingly at
the swamp he calls home, and goes about his daily routine. Which
is taking a mud shower, brushing his teeth with bugs, bathing in a
muddy pond, gathering giant slugs for dinner, and painting a
warning sign)
(In a nearby village, an angry mob gather up to go after Shrek. At
night they gather their torches and pitchforks and enter the swamp,
trampling over Shrek's warning signs. Shrek sees them after
investigating the commotion, rolling his eyes. The villagers stop
outside Shrek's home, unaware that Shrek is sneaking up behind
them)
NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S SWAMP

Villager 1: Think it's in there?

Villager 2: All right. Let's get it!

Villager 1: Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to
you?

Villager 3: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread.

(Shrek chuckles, revealing himself to be standing behind the mob)

Shrek: Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant.

(The mob gasps)

Shrek: Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from
your freshly peeled skin...

(Shrek slowly approaches as the villagers back away in fear)

Villager: No!

Shrek: They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!
Actually, it's quite good on toast.

Villager 1: Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

(The villager waves his torch in Shrek's face. Shrek casually licks
his fingers and pinches the flame, extinguishing the torch. The
villager drops it)

Villager 1: Right.

(Shrek terrifies the mob with a great frightening roar, his spit
extinguishing all the remaining torches. He wipes his mouth and
waits for the villagers to stop screaming)

Shrek: (whispering) This is the part where you run away.

Villagers: (gasping)

(Shrek laughs as the men drop their torches and pitchforks and run
away as fast they can)

Shrek: And stay out!

(He looks down and picks up a wanted poster dropped by one of the
villagers. He reads it aloud)

SHREK: "Wanted. Fairytale creatures"?

(He sighs and walks off. dropping the poster to the ground)

THE NEXT DAY - FOREST

Fairy tale creatures are put in chains and led into wagons by Duloc
Guards. The Captain of the Duloc Guards sits at a table paying a
line of people their rewards for turning in the fairytale creatures.
Those waiting in line include Peter Pan, who is
carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Geppetto who is
carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer carrying the Three Little Pigs.

Guard: All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come
on! Get up!

The Captain: Next!

Guard: (Taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days
are over. (breaks the broom in half)

The Captain: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

(The captain hands over the reward to the villager who turned the
witch in. The villager mutters to himself)

Villager: Lousy 20 pieces.

Guard: Get up! Come on!

(Waiting in line is Donkey on a leash and his owner. He looks in

horror at the witch and a group of dwarves being loaded into a
wagon)

Guard: Sit down there! Keep quiet!

Mama Bear and Papa Bear are locked inside giant cages,
with Little Bear in his own cage

Little Bear: (crying) This cage is too small.

Donkey: (To his owner) Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be
stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!
Old Woman: Oh, shut up. (smacks Donkey)

The Captain: Next! What have you got?

Geppetto: This little wooden puppet.

Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows)

The Captain: 5 shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

Pinocchio: Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me!

(Geppetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up
to the table)

The Captain: Next! What have you got?

Old Woman: Well, I've got a talking donkey.

The Captain: Right. Well, that's good for 10 shillings. If you can
prove it.

Old Woman: Oh, go ahead, little fella. (Donkey stays silent)

The Captain: Well?

Old Woman: Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really
quite a chatterbox. (Smacks Donkey again) Talk, you boneheaded
dolt, talk!

The Captain: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

Old Woman: No, no, he talks! He does. (Moving Donkey's lips) I can
talk. I love to talk. I'm the talking-est damn thing you ever saw.

The Captain: Get her out of my sight.

Old Woman: No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

(The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One
of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands,
and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy
dust and starts floating upwards)

Donkey: Hey! I can fly!

Peter Pan: He can fly!

3 Little Pigs: He can fly!

The Captain: He can talk!

Donkey: Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.
You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you
ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (The pixie dust's effects begin
to wear off) Uh-oh. (He drops out of the air and hits the ground with
a thud)

The Captain: Seize him!

(Donkey dodges the guards as they try to grab him and runs deeper
into the forest)

Guards: After him! He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn!

(Donkey escapes deeper into the forest and runs head first into
Shrek's backside. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him
and glares down at Donkey. Donkey looks scared of Shrek for a
moment, but he quickly hides behind him after seeing that the
guards have caught up to him)

The Captain: You there. Ogre!

Shrek: Aye?

The Captain: By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to

place you both under arrest and...(Shrek slowly approaches the
group of guards, the guards visibly frightened by him) transport you
to... a designated...resettlement...facility?

Shrek: Oh, really? You and what army? (smiles)

(The Captain looks behind himself and sees that all the other guards
have abandoned him. The Captain tucks tail and runs off. Shrek
shakes his head and starts walking back to his swamp. Donkey,
impressed by Shrek, follows him)

Donkey: Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really,
really somethin' back here. Incredible!
Shrek: Are you talking to...(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me?
(he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him) Whoa!

Donkey: Yes. I was talking to you. Can I tell you that you that you
was great back there? Man those guards! They thought they was all
of that. Then you showed up and bam! They was tripping over
themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good
to see that.

Shrek: (annoyed) Oh, that's great. Really.

Donkey: Man, it's good to be free.

Shrek: Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own
friends? Hmm?

Donkey: But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there
by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you.
You're a mean, green, fighting machine. Together we'll scare the
spit out of anybody that crosses us.

(Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before loudly roaring
in his face)

Donkey: Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me
saying, if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done,
'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your
breath stinks!

(Shrek walks off. Donkey reappears ahead of him, dangling from a

felled log)

Donkey: Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like
the time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk.
Shrek removes his hand) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had
strong gases leaking out of my butt that day.

Shrek: Why are you following me?

Donkey: I'll tell you why. (drops from the log. Singing) "'Cause I'm all
alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone,
There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have friends..."
Shrek: Stop singing! (picks up Donkey by his ears and tail) Well, it's
no wonder you don't have any friends (drops him)

Donkey: Wow. Only a true friend would be that truly honest.

Shrek: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

Donkey: (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh...really tall?

Shrek: No! I'm an ogre! You know, "Grab your torch and pitchforks."
Doesn't that bother you?

Donkey: (shakes his head) Nope.

Shrek: (surprised) Really?

Donkey: Really, really.

Shrek: (taken aback) Oh.

Donkey: Man, I like you. What's your name?

Shrek: Uh, Shrek.

Donkey: Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You
got that kind of "I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me" thing. I like
that. I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. (they come over a hill
overlooking Shrek's swamp) Woo, look at that! Who'd want to live in
place like that?

Shrek: (annoyed) That would be my home.

Donkey: Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite
a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest
budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. (looks at Shrek's
"keep out" signs) I guess you don't entertain much, do you?

Shrek: I like my privacy.

Donkey: You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in

common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You're
trying to give them a hint and they won't leave. And there's that big
awkward silence you know? (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?

Shrek: Uh, what?

Donkey: Can I stay with you, please?

Shrek: (sarcastically) Of course!

Donkey: Really?

Shrek: No.

Donkey: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what
it's like to be considered a freak. (Donkey pushes Shrek up against
the door) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick
together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

Shrek: Okay! Okay. But one night only.

Donkey: Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the hut)

Shrek: Ah! What are you...no! (Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No!

Donkey: This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swapping manly

stories, and in the morning... I'm making waffles.

Shrek: (growls in frustration)

Donkey: Where do, uh, I sleep?

Shrek: (irritated) Outside!

Donkey: Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and
you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go.
Good night. (Shrek slams the door, shutting Donkey outside) I mean,
I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be
sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm
all alone...there's no one here beside me...

SHREK'S HOME - NIGHT

(Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits down, lights a candle
made out of his own earwax, and begins eating. Donkey looks inside
from a window, and then lays down by the front door. Shrek is about
to take a bite when he hears a creaking noise. He stands up with a
huff)

Shrek: (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside!

Donkey: (from the window) I am outside!

(Shrek hears a noise from inside and turns to find the source. He
sees several shadows moving and looks around. He sees the 3
Blind Mice on his table)

Mouse 1: Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do
we have?

Mouse 2: It's not home, but it'll do just fine.

Gorder: (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.

Shrek: Got ya. (grabs Gorder, but he escapes and lands on his
shoulder)

Gorder: I found some cheese. (bites into Shrek's ear)

Shrek: Ow! (tries to grab him)

Gorder: Blah! Awful stuff. (jumps down to the table)

Blind Mouse: Is that you, Gorder?

Gorder: How did you know?

Shrek: Enough! (he grabs all 3 mice) What are you doing in my
house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice) Hey!

(Shrek turns around and sees that the 7 Dwarves have put Snow
White, sleeping in her glass coffin, on the table)
Shrek: Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table! (pushes the coffin
away)

Dwarf: Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

Shrek: (confused) Huh?

(Shrek walks over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain.
The Big Bad Wolf is laying in the bed)

Big Bad Wolf: What?

(Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to
the front door)

Shrek: I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What

do I have to do get a little privacy?

(He opens the front door and throws Big Bad Wolf out. He sees that
a horde of fairytale creatures have set up camp in his swamp)

Shrek: Oh, no. Oh, no. No! No! (he dodges out the way of a group of
witches flying on broomsticks)

(Papa Bear and Little Bear sit around the fire, the Pied Piper is
playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are
directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land)

Shrek: WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY SWAMP?!!

(Shrek's voice echoes throughout the camp and everyone falls

silent. Gasps are heard all around. The 3 Good Fairies hide inside a
tent)

Shrek: All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's
go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

Dwarves: Quickly. Come on!

(More dwarves run inside the house and shut the door behind them)
Shrek: No, no! No, no. Not there! Not there!

(Shrek fiddles with the door handle, unable to open the door. He
gives Donkey an annoyed look)

Donkey: Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

Pinocchio: Well gosh, no one invited us.

Shrek: What?!

Pinocchio: We were forced to come here!

Shrek: By who?!

Little Pig: Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an

eviction notice.

Shrek: (sighs) Alright. Who knows where this... "Farquaad" guy is?

(The crowd gasps at the mention of Lord Farquaad. No one answers)

Donkey: Oh, I do. I know where he is!

Shrek: Does anyone else know where to find him?

(Little Bear raises his hand but Papa Bear quickly puts his hand
down. Big Bad Wolf and a wizard point at each other)

Shrek: Anyone at all?

Donkey: Me! Me!

Shrek: Anyone?

Donkey: (jumping up and down) Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know!
Me, me!

SHREK: (sighs) Okay, fine. Attention all...fairy tale things. Do not get
comfortable! Your welcome is officially worn out! In fact, I'm gonna
see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and
back where you came from!

(After a brief silence, the crowd erupts into cheering and applause.
This was not Shrek's intention. A group of birds drapes a cloak
made of flowers around Shrek's shoulders, much to his annoyance)

Shrek: Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're coming with me.

(Shrek brushes the cloak onto the ground, while the birds come
back to place a wreath of flowers on Donkey's head. They make
their through the crowd)

Donkey: All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey,
2 stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

Donkey: (singing) "On the road again...", sing it with me, Shrek!

(as they walk away from the crowd Shrek grabs the torch from a
dwarf cheering them on, who refuses to let go. Shrek shakes the
torch until the dwarf falls into a pond)

Donkey: "I can't wait to get on the road again."

Shrek: What did I say about singing? (yanks the wreath off Donkey's
head)

Donkey: Can I whistle?

Shrek: No.

Donkey: Well, can I hum it?

Shrek: (annoyed) All right, hum it.

(Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'. The pair walk off into
the night with Shrek's torch lighting the way)

DULOC - DUNGEON
(A masked man is pouring a glass of milk. Another man is shown
walking down the hallway towards a set of doors. As he is let into
the room by two guards, we can see that the man is abnormally
short. The masked man is dunking what looks to be a small person
into the glass of milk)

Lord Farquaad: (stepping forward) That's enough. He's ready to talk.

Gingy is pulled out of the milk by Thelonious and is slammed down

onto a cookie sheet. Lord Farquaad laughs evilly as he walks over to
the table. When he reaches the table we see that he is too short to
see above it. He clears his throat and the table is lowered

Lord Farquaad: (he picks up the Gingy's severed legs and plays with
them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the
gingerbread man!

Gingy: You're a monster!

Lord Farquaad: I'm not the monster here, you are. (throws one leg at
Gingy) You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect
world (crumbles his other leg into dust) Now, tell me! Where are the
others?!

Gingy: Eat me! (spits at Lord Farquaad)

Lord Farquaad: Ugh! I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my

patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...(he grabs one of
Gingy's gumdrop buttons)

Gingy: No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons!

Lord Farquaad: All right then. Who's hiding them?

Gingy: Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

Lord Farquaad: The muffin man?

Gingy: The muffin man.

Lord Farquaad: Yes, I know the muffin man. Who lives on Drury
Lane?
Gingy: Well, she's married to the muffin man.

Lord Farquaad: (Shocked) The muffin man?

Gingy: The muffin man!

Lord Farquaad: She's married to the muffin man.

(A door opens and the Captain of the Duloc Guards steps in)

The Captain: My lord! We've found it.

Lord Farquaad: Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in!

(More guards enter carrying an object covered by a sheet. They

mount it on the wall and the Captain removes the sheet. It is
the Magic Mirror. Everyone stands in awe)

Gingy: Ohhhh...

Lord Farquaad: Magic mirror...

Gingy: Don't tell him anything! (Lord Farquaad smacks him off the
table and into a trash can) No!

Lord Farquaad: Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall, is this not the
most perfect kingdom of them all?

Magic Mirror: Well, technically you're not a king.

Lord Farquaad: Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and

smashes it with his fist) You were saying?

Magic Mirror: What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can
become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.

Lord Farquaad: Go on.

Magic Mirror: (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my
lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible
bachelorettes. And...here they are!
(Bouncy gameshow music begins to play. Using himself as a screen,
the Magic Mirror reveals three shadowy portraits of princesses. Lord
Farquaad seems confused but watches on silently)

Magic Mirror: Bachelorette number 1 is a mentally abused shut-in

from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing
anytime! Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her 2 evil
sisters. Please welcome...Cinderella!

(An image of Cinderella doing housework flips to a portrait of

Cinderella in her ball gown putting on the glass slipper. Lord
Farquaad looks at her approvingly and the Captain claps)

Magic Mirror: Bachelorette number 2 is a cape-wearing girl from the

land of fancy. Although she lives with 7 other men, she's not easy.

(An image of the 7 Dwarves flashes on the screen. The guards laugh
at the Mirror's joke)

Magic Mirror: Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live
wire she is. Come on, give it up for Snow White!

(The mirror shows a portrait of Snow White in her slumber. Lord

Farquaad seems even more pleased, and everyone else claps this
time)

Magic Mirror: And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number 3
is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot
boiling lava!

(The mirror shows an image of a giant dragon besides a tower and

then of a giant castle surrounded by lava. A bright fire shines on the
screen and Lord Farquaad covers his eyes. This doesn't seem to
deter his interest)

Magic Mirror: But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol
who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the
rescuing, Princess Fiona!

(The mirror shows a portrait of Princess Fiona leaning on the

window of her tower. Once again everyone else claps)
Magic Mirror: So, will it be: bachelorette number 1, bachelorette
number 2, or bachelorette number 3?

(The mirrors flips through each princesses' portrait. The guards

shout out different numbers while Lord Farquaad frantically tries to
decide)

Guards: 2! 2! 3! 3! 2! 2! 3!

Lord Farquaad: (to himself) 2? 3? 1? 3?

Thelonius: 3! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number 3, my lord!

Lord Farquaad: Okay, okay, uh... number 3!

Magic Mirror: Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.

(Wild applause erupts from the guards. Lord Farquaad is captivated

by the portrait of Fiona)

Lord Farquaad: Princess...Fiona...she's perfect. All I have to do is

just find someone who can go...

Magic Mirror: But I probably should mention the little thing that
happens at night.

(Lord Farquaad doesn't listen to the mirror at all, too busy

formulating a plan)

Lord Farquaad: I'll do it.

Magic Mirror: Yes, but after sunset...

Lord Farquaad: Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen,

and Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your
finest men. We're going to have a tournament! (grins evilly)
DULOC KINGDOM - EXTERIOR

(Shrek and Donkey come out of the field just outside the Duloc
parking lot)
Donkey: But that's it. That's it right there. That's Duloc. I told ya I'd
find it.

(The 2 gaze up at Duloc Castle, a building that towers over the rest
of the kingdom)

Shrek: So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

Donkey: Uh-huh. That's the place.

Shrek: Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

(Shrek laughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. He
continues walking through the parking lot)

Donkey: Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

Man: Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry!

(A man and woman run through the castle's entrance. In front of the
gate is a series of ropes hung in a maze for crowd control. A
mascot wearing a giant head resembling Lord Farquaad stands at
the end of the line. Shrek and Donkey exchange looks)

Shrek: Hey, you!

(The mascot screams at the sight of Shrek and begins running

through the roped path to get to the front gate)

Shrek: Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just-- I just --

(Shrek sighs in frustration and then begins pushing his way through
the ropes. The mascot runs into a wall and knocks himself out.
Shrek pushes through the entrance's turnstile, but Donkey gets
caught in it and lands on the ground with a thud. Donkey sheepishly
smiles and Shrek sighs in annoyance)

DULOC - INTERIOR

(Shrek and Donkey look around the square, which is deserted. The
trees and grass are neatly cut and the rows of houses all looked
exactly the same. Chirpy music quietly plays from a set of
loudspeakers)

Shrek: It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?

Donkey: Hey, look at this!

(Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked
'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up.
There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing)

Wooden People: Welcome to Duloc such a perfect town / Here we

have some rules let us lay them down / Don't make waves, stay in
line and we'll get along fine / Duloc is perfect place / Please keep off
of the grass / Shine your shoes, wipe your... face / Duloc is, Duloc is /
Duloc is perfect place.

(Suddenly a camera takes Shrek and Donkey's picture, both of

which are dumbfounded)

Donkey: Wow! Let's do that again!

(Donkey makes ready to run over and pull the lever again but Shrek
quickly grabs him by the tail)

Shrek: No! No! No, no, no! (whispers) No.

(They hear a trumpet fanfare from afar and head over to investigate.
A voice sounds from the distance)

Lord Farquaad: Brave knights! You are the best and brightest in all
the land, and today one of you shall prove himself better and
brighter than all the rest.

(As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena,
Donkey hums the Duloc theme song)

Shrek: All right, you're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

Donkey: Sorry about that.

ARENA
(In the center of a stadium-like arena, Duloc Knights are gathered
as a large crowd of citizens watches on from the stands. Horses,
kegs of beer, arrow targets, and other equipment are scattered
about. Farquaad is atop a high up balcony, flanked by two guards,
addressing the crowd. Shrek and Donkey step out onto the arena
but don't seem to be noticed)

Lord Farquaad: That champion shall have the honor-- no, no -- the
privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the
fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is
unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place. And so on and
so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to
make.

(The crowd cheers and applauds. Shrek looks around, noticing a

man holding up a cue card up to the crowd that reads "APPLAUSE")

Lord Farquaad: Let the tournament begin!

(Shrek marches through the Duloc Knights, who back away in

disgust upon noticing him)

Lord Farquaad: Oh! What is that? It's hideous!

(The crowd gasps and goes quiet)

Shrek: Ah, that's not very nice (looks at Donkey and then back at
Lord Farquaad) It's just a donkey.

(Donkey looks confused, the joke is once again lost on him)

Lord Farquaad: Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the
ogre will be named champion! Have at him!

(Lord Farquaad points at Shrek. The Duloc Knights draw their

weapons and slowly approach Shrek as he backs up, the crowd
cheering them on)

Crowd: Get him!

Shrek: Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (He bumps into a table,
noticing mugs of ale)
Crowd: Go ahead! Get him!

Shrek: (holds up a mug of ale) Can't we just settle this over a pint?

Crowd: Kill the beast!

Shrek: No? All right then. (drinks the ale in one gulp) Come on!

(Shrek takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel of
ale behind him. The ale comes rushing out, knocking the knights
down and wetting the ground into mud. Shrek slides past the
knights and uses a spear like a hockey stick to knock one off his
feet. Donkey hops up onto one of the larger beer barrels. It breaks
free of its ropes and begins to roll. Donkey manages to squish 2
knights into the mud and rolls over another group of knights running
after Shrek. Shrek hops over a set of ropes that appears to make up
a wrestling ring. Shrek uses the ropes to launch himself at 2
knights, knocking them over with his arms. The crowd boos. Shrek
jump kicks a knight, and then body slams another. A knight comes
from behind Shrek with his spear ready to attack. The crowd gasps,
but before he can make a move Shrek puts him in a full-nelson hold)

Donkey: Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!

(Shrek brings the knight over to Donkey, who leans on the ropes and
headbutts the knight. Shrek gets up on the ropes and interacts with
the crowd, who have now begun to cheer for Shrek and Donkey.
Shrek stands on top of the ropes and beckons on the crowd's
cheers)

Shrek: Yeah!

(A knight tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but he turns in time to

sees him and jumps on him)

Woman: The chair! Give him the chair!

(Shrek uses a folding chair to smack the knight lying on the ground.
Shrek dispatches a few more knights with ease. Shrek picks up the
last knight, spinning him over his head and then throwing him
against the post of the wrestling ring. Donkey kicks his helmet, and
the ding sounds the end of the match. Finally all the knights are
down. The audience goes wild)

Shrek: Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here
till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)

(Lord Farquaad motions to the guards, who aim their crossbows at

Shrek and Donkey. The crowd gasps and goes silent. Shrek stops
laughing)

Guard: Shall I give the order, sir?

Lord Farquaad: No, I have a better idea. People of Duloc! I give you
our champion!

(The crowd cheers and a fanfare plays)

Shrek: What?

Lord Farquaad: Congratulations, ogre. You've won the honor of

embarking on a great and noble quest.

Shrek: Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp

back.

Lord Farquaad: Your swamp?

Shrek: Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale
creatures!

Lord Farquaad: Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on
this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

Shrek: Exactly the way it was?

Lord Farquaad: Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

Shrek: And the squatters?

Lord Farquaad: As good as gone.

(Shrek glances at the soldiers still aiming their crossbows and then
turns back to Lord Farquaad)

Shrek: What kind of quest?

DULOC - EXTERIOR

(Shrek and Donkey are now walking through the fields heading away
from Duloc. Shrek is munching on an onion)

Donkey: Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and
rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp
which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the
first place. Is that about right?

Shrek: You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't

talk.

Donkey: I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff
on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to
make your bread, the whole ogre trip.

Shrek: Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire

village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their
spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

Donkey: Uh, no, not really, no.

Shrek: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people
think.

Donkey: Example?

Shrek: Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. (he holds out his
onion)

Donkey: (sniffs the onion) They stink?

Shrek: Yes - - No!

Donkey: They make you cry?

Shrek: No!

Donkey: Oh, you leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start
sproutin' little white hairs.

Shrek: No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions
have layers. You get it? We both have layers. (he throws away the
onion and walks off)

Donkey: (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {sniffs}
You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves
cakes! Cakes have layers.

Shrek: I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes.
(walks passed Donkey)

Donkey: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you
ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell
no, I don't like no parfaits"? Parfaits are delicious.

Shrek: (Yelling) NO! You bad, irritating, miniature piece of garbage!

Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. (whispers) See you
later.

Donkey: Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn
planet.

Shrek: You know, I think I preferred your humming.

Donkey: Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess.

Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering.

(They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through

a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek burns his
foot trying to stomp out the campfire, so Donkey urinates on the fire
to put it out. They arrive at the outskirts of a giant volcano and
begin to make their way up)

Donkey: (sniffs) Whew! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn
somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and
everything.
Shrek: Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's
brimstone. We must be getting close.

Donkey: Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the

brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't
come off no stone neither.

(They reach the top of the climb and hoist themselves up and over
the ridge)

DRAGON'S KEEP - EXTERIOR

(Shrek and Donkey gaze out into the crater. The Dragon's Keep
towered before them, a dilapidated castle, burned and blackened.
Perched on a rock pinnacle, it was surrounded by a terrifying lake of
molten lava. A single light shines in the window of the tallest tower.
Dark clouds block out the blue sky above them. Thunder strikes and
crows circling the castle can be heard. It's all very ominous)

Shrek: Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. (laughs)

(Shrek jumps over and approaches the bridge, with Donkey joining
in behind him)

Donkey: (chuckes along nervously) Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when

you said that ogres have layers?

Shrek: Oh, aye.

Donkey: Well, I have a bit of a confession to make (gasps, seeing

the skeleton of a horse). Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our
fear right out there on our sleeves.

Shrek: Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.

Donkey: You know what I mean.

Shrek: Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

Donkey: No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety

bridge over a boiling lake of lava!
Shrek: Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For
emotional support. We'll just tackle this thing together one little
baby step at a time.

Donkey: Really?

Shrek: Really, really.

Donkey: Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

Shrek: Just keep moving. And don't look down.

Donkey: (nervously to himself) Okay, don't look down. Don't look

down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.

(Donkey accidentally steps through a rotting board, which falls

down into the fiery lava below)

Donkey: Shrek! I'm lookin' down! (screams) Oh, God, I can't do this!
Just let me off, please!

Shrek: But you're already halfway.

Donkey: But I know that half is safe!

Shrek: Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

(Shrek tries to press on while Donkey tries to make his way back
under Shrek)

Donkey: Shrek, no! Wait!

Shrek: Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall we? (bounces
and sways the bridge)

Donkey: Don't do that!

Shrek: Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces the bridge again)

Donkey: Yes, that!

Shrek: Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to bounce and sway as he
backs Donkey across the bridge)

Donkey: No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

Shrek: You said do it! I'm doing it.

Donkey: I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. (steps
onto solid ground) Oh!

Shrek: That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks towards the castle)

Donkey: Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck

anyway?

Shrek: Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. (chuckles)

Donkey: I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

DRAGON'S KEEP - INTERIOR

(The pair start making their way through the hallways of the
dragon's dark and spooky keep. Shrek is wary, while Donkey is
downright terrified. Only an occasional torch lights the way. The
passages are littered with bones, armor, and weapons, presumably
belonging to the many unsuccessful knights who tried to rescue
the princess)

Donkey: You afraid?

Shrek: No. But...SHHHHHH. (shushes Donkey)

Donkey: Oh, good. Me neither. (Get spooked and gasps) 'Cause

there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Fear's a sensible response
to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might
add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes
fire. It sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I
sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.

(Donkey crashes into a pile of knight remains, knocking over a

skeleton whose helmet lands on Donkey's head. The skeleton head
falls off and Donkey gasps)
Shrek: Donkey, 2 things, okay? Shut. Up. Now go over there and see
if you can find any stairs (grabs the helmet and puts it on)

Donkey: Stairs? I thought we was looking for the princess.

Shrek: (picking up pieces of armor) The princess will be up the

stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.

Donkey: What makes you think she'll be there?

Shrek: I read it in a book once. (walks off)

Donkey: Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find
those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which
way they're going.

(Shrek, now disguised as a knight in shining armor walks off further

into the castle. Donkey wanders off in the opposite direction, still
talking to himself, and pushes his way through a giant set of doors)

Donkey: I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't
mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I
had a step right here. I'd step all over it.

(Behind a broken wall, a giant eye opens to see an unaware Donkey.

Elsewhere, Shrek spots a light in the window of a tower)

Shrek: Well, at least we know where the princess is. But where's
the...

Donkey: Dragon!

(Donkey screams and takes off running, narrowly dodging the

dragon's fiery breath. The dragon chases after Donkey, stomping on
the pile of knight remains in her way. Shrek turns around to see
Donkey barreling towards him with the dragon close behind him)

Shrek: Donkey, look out!

(Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon
breathes another fireball. Donkey drops to the floor to avoid another
fireball, which manages to singe the tuft of his tail. The dragon is
just about to eat Donkey when Shrek grabs ahold of her tail)

Shrek: Got ya!

(The dragon begins to swing her tail back and forth with Shrek still
holding on, then launches him into the air. Shrek crashes through
the roof of the tallest tower and into Fiona's room. Fiona wakes up
and looks at him lying on the floor unconscious. The dragon now
focuses her attention on Donkey, breathing fire at him and forcing
him onto a stone bridge. The dragon knocks down portions of the
bridge until Donkey is left staying on a lone pillar)

Donkey: No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon growls) Oh, what large teeth
you have! (the dragon roars) I mean white, sparkling teeth!

(The dragon pauses, looks at him inquisitively, and then smiles.

Donkey might just flatter his way out of becoming dragon food)

Donkey: I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but
you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do
I detect a hint of minty freshness?

(The dragon appears to be flattered by Donkey's compliments)

Donkey: And you know what else? You know what else? You're--
You're--

(The dragon leans forward and gazes at Donkey, revealing its long
eyelashes and lipsticked mouth. Suddenly it was all clear to
Donkey)

Donkey: --a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl
dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

(The dragon flutters her eyes at him)

Donkey: What's the matter with you? You got something in your
eye?

(Dragon blows a heart-shaped smoke ring at Donkey)

Donkey: Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm,
uh...(coughs) I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if
you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Shrek!

(Dragon picks him up by the tail in her mouth and happily carries
him off)

Donkey: No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

FIONA'S TOWER - INTERIOR

(Shrek groans as he regains consciousness. His back is to a

Princess Fiona, laying upright on the bed near the window. Though a
bit startled, she is ecstatic to see her knight-in-shining armor. She
straightens her dress, lays back down, and then quickly reaches
over for bouquet of flowers off the side table. She lays back down
and pretends to be asleep, clutching the bouquet to her breast.
Shrek turns, takes note of the princess and walks across the room
over to her. He bends down over to Fiona and she puckers her lips.
Shrek takes her by the shoulders and forcefully shakes her)

Fiona: Wha...Wha...

Shrek: Wake up!

Fiona: What?!

Shrek: Are you Princess Fiona?

Fiona: I am... (smiling) awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.

Shrek: Ah, that's nice. Now let's go!

(Shrek turns to leave and Fiona quickly sits upright)

Fiona: But wait, Sir Knight! This be-ith our first meeting. Should it
not be a wonderful, romantic moment?

(she tosses the bouquet and lays back down, swooning)

Shrek: Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

(Shrek walks back, yanks Fiona's arm. and hauls her out of bed and
towards the door)

Fiona: Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep
me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant
steed.

(Shrek yanks on the door handle only for it to snap off)

Shrek: You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

Fiona: Mm-hmm.

(Fiona screams as Shrek suddenly smashes the door down with his
shoulder, still holding onto her arm. He rushes down the tower's
staircase with Fiona in tow and grabs a torch)

Fiona: But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic
poem for me.

DRAGON'S KEEP - INTERIOR

(Shrek and Fiona cross the bridge connecting the tallest tower to
the rest of the castle)

Fiona: A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

(Fiona pulls her arm from Shrek's grip. They stop for a moment as
Shrek figures out which direction to go)

Shrek: I don't think so.

Fiona: Well, can I at least know the name of my champion?

Shrek: Uh, Shrek.

Fiona: Sir Shrek.

(she smiles, clears her throat, and holds out a handkerchief)

Fiona: I pray that you take this favour as a token of my gratitude.

Shrek: Thanks!

(Shrek regards the handkerchief curiously and wipes his sooty face
with it, blackening it. He hands it back to an appalled Fiona, but
before she can react, they are startled by the dragon's roar and she
drops it to the floor)

Fiona: You didn't slay the dragon?!

Shrek: It's on my to-do list, now come on!

(Shrek grabs Fiona once again and takes off running towards the
direction of the dragon's roar)

Fiona: But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword
drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did!

Shrek: Yeah, right before they burst into flames!

(He gestures at the skeleton of a knight laying against the wall, a

charred outline of a man burned into the stone behind it)

Fiona: That's not the point! Ugh!

(Fiona pulls her arm free from Shrek and stops running. Shrek
pauses to look around and heads for a set of wooden doors)

Fiona: Wait, where are you going? The exit's over there!

(she points her arm to her left and Shrek turns around)

Shrek: Well, I have to save my ass.

Fiona: What kind of knight are you?

Shrek: One of a kind.

THRONE ROOM

(Shrek quietly pushes open the doors, stepping out onto a balcony
of large spacious room. In the center of the room, Dragon has
Donkey wrapped up on her tail. Dragon sits on a floor littered with a
horde of gold coins and jewels)

Donkey: Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. Look I believe it's
healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just,
just call me old-fashioned. I don't want to rush into a... a physical
relationship. I'm not...not emotionally ready for a commitment of,
uh, this, uh - - "magnitude" really is the word I'm looking for.
Magnitude.

(Dragon gently caresses Donkey with a single claw)

Donkey: Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you
doing?

(Dragon looks up at the chandelier hanging above them and gently

lights its candles with her fire breath)

Donkey: Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one
step at a time. I mean we really should get to know each other first,
you know, as friends or maybe even pen pals. Y'know cause I'm on
the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards to read --

(Shrek jumps off the balcony, grabbing a chain connected to the

chandelier. The chain does not hang low enough for him to be able
to grab Donkey and he swings over Dragon. The chain swings back
and he is left dangling above her)

Donkey: Oh y'know I'd, I'd really love to stay, but -- (Dragon tugs at
Donkey's tail with her mouth)

Donkey: Hey. hey don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal

tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission to-- hey! What
are you gonna do with that?

(Dragon purses her lips and gets ready to kiss Donkey. Shrek looks
up and spots that the chain is jammed above him. He starts shaking
it to try and relapse it from the pulley. Suddenly the pulley comes
loose and Shrek starts falling)

Donkey: Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!
(Shrek lands on Donkey and bumps him out of Dragon's grasp just as
she is about to kiss him, and she instead kisses Shrek's butt. She
opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the
chandelier falls onto her head, which acts as a collar around her
neck. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey take off running. They
dodge a blast of fire from Dragon. Shrek grabs Donkey in one arm
and then grabs Princess Fiona, who has wandered into the room,
with the other arm as he runs past her)

Donkey: Hi, Princess!

Fiona: It talks!

Shrek: Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

(They all gasp as Shrek suddenly stops, having reached the end of
the balcony Shrek spots a fallen column that has formed a sort of
slide. He jumps on it just as Dragon tries to bite them and slides
down it. Unfortunately there is a crack in the stone and it hits Shrek
right in the crotch. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of
the slide, he groans and stumbles off. Dragon chases after them, the
chain of the chandelier still unraveling. They are chased by Dragon
through a large hall, her chain looping itself around multiple stone
pillars as Shrek zigzags around them. Dragon ends up in front of
them and breathes fire. Shrek dodges the fire and runs away,
leaping over several rows of chains. He comes to a halt)

Shrek: Okay, you 2, head for the exit! (setting down Donkey and
Fiona) I'll take care of the dragon.

(Shrek grabs a sword lodged in the floor and sticks it through a link
in the chain and deep into the floor. Shrek catches up with Donkey
and Fiona, who are waiting near the exit)

Shrek: Run!

(They sprint as fast as they can out of the castle and onto the
rickety bridge as Dragon breathes a huge fireball behind them. As
they reach the middle of the bridge the fire burns the bridge and it
snaps in half. They hang onto the bridge as they are swung to the
other side. Donkey, unable to grab on, falls off but Shrek catches
him by the leg. Fiona screams in horror as Dragon flies over the
boiling lava to get them. Suddenly the chandelier pulls Dragon back,
the sword having lodged itself into a stone column and getting the
chain stuck. The group quickly climbs up to safety. Dragon lets out
a defeated roar, then gives a sad whimper)

VOLCANO - EXTERIOR

(The first to climb out, Fiona gracefully slides down to the bottom of
the volcano hill)

Fiona: You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing.

Behind her Donkey tumbles his way down the hill.

Fiona: You're -- you're wonderful. You're...

(she turns to see Shrek slide down the hill and crash into Donkey)

Fiona: A little unorthodox I'll admit. But...thy deed is great, and thine
heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt.

Donkey: Ahem...

Fiona: And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?

(she reaches down, squeezing Donkey's face)

Donkey: I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She
thinks I'm a steed.

(Donkey blushes, causing Fiona to chuckle and Shrek to roll his

eyes)

Fiona: The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir
Knight.

(Donkey gasps and makes eye contact with Shrek)

Shrek: Uh, no.

Fiona: Why not?

Shrek: I...I have helmet hair.

Fiona: Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

Shrek: Oh, no, you wouldn't -- st.

Fiona: But, how will you kiss me?

Shrek: What?

(Shrek backs away and bumps into a wall)

Shrek: (to Donkey) That wasn't in the job description.

Donkey: Maybe it's a perk! (suggestively raises his eyebrows)

Fiona: No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes: A princess
locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave
knight, and then they share true love's first kiss.

(They both give Fiona a wide-eyed look)

Donkey: Hmm? With Shrek? You think --who, whoa, wait a sec. You
think that Shrek is your true love?

Fiona: Well... yes.

(Fiona sheepishly smiles at Shrek. Shrek and Donkey turn to each

other and burst out laughing)

Donkey: You think Shrek is your true love!

Fiona: (annoyed) What is so funny?

Shrek: Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?

Fiona: Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now--now remove your

helmet.

Shrek: Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.

Fiona: Just take off the helmet.

Shrek: I'm not going to.

Fiona: Take it off.

Shrek: No!

Fiona: NOW!

Shrek: Okay! Easy! As you command, Your Highness.

(Shrek shakes his head and takes off his helmet and reveals his
ogre self. Fiona looks at him blankly, confused but not frightened.
Shrek awkwardly grins)

Fiona: You're...an ogre.

Shrek: Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming?

Fiona: Well --yes, actually! Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not
supposed to be an ogre! (walks off)

Shrek : (sighs) Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad,

okay? He's the one who wants to marry you.

(the mention of this Lord Farquaad prompts Fiona to turn around in

surprise)

Fiona: Well then why didn't he come rescue me?

Shrek: Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.

(Shrek turns and mocks Fiona while removing what little armor is
still left attached to him)

Fiona: But I have to be rescued by my true love! Not by some ogre

and hi...hi...his pet.

Donkey: Well, so much for a noble steed.

Shrek: Look, princess, you're not making my job any easier.

Fiona: Well, I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell
Lord "Farquaad" that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be
waiting for him right here.

(Fiona sits down determinedly on a nearby rock)

Shrek: Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? (Advancing

toward her) I'm a delivery boy.

Fiona: You wouldn't dare.

(Shrek picks Fiona up and puts her over his shoulder)

Fiona: (screams) Put me down!

Shrek: You coming, Donkey?

Donkey: Oh, yep! I'm right behind ya.

(Fiona is now kicking and screaming)

Fiona: Put me down or you will suffer the consequences! This is not
dignified! Put me down!

(Fiona smacks Shrek on the back of the head and screams in

frustration)

WOODS

(Hours have passed and Fiona has calmed down. She hangs limply
while Shrek carries her and Donkey walks behind them)

Donkey: Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that

digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you
let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get
burned to a crisp and eaten? How do you do that?

Fiona: You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows
what happens when you find your...
(Shrek cuts her off with a deliberate, bouncing readjustment)

Fiona: Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc the better.

Donkey: Oh you're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!

Fiona: And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?

Shrek: Well, let me put it this way, princess.

(Shrek dumps Fiona to the ground unceremoniously and heads to a

nearby pond to wash up)

Shrek: Men of Farquaad's stature are in..."short" supply.

(he chuckles and Donkey joins in)

Donkey: I don't know, Shrek. There are those who think..."little" of

him.

(They laugh even harder)

Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous that you can
never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.

Shrek: Yeah, well, maybe you're right, princess. But I'll let you do
the..."measuring"...when you see him tomorrow.

Fiona: Tomorrow?

(Panic-stricken, Fiona looks back fearfully at the setting sun)

Fiona: It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?

Shrek: No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.

Fiona: But there's....robbers in the woods.

Donkey: Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is definitely starting to sound

good.
Shrek: Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in
this forest.

(Fiona jumps in front of Shrek, blocking him)

Fiona: I NEED TO FIND SOMEWHERE TO CAMP NOW!!

(Both Shrek and Donkey's ears lower, taken aback by her outburst)

CLIFFSIDE

(A few minutes later, Shrek is rolling a large boulder away from the
mouth of a cave)

Shrek: Hey! Over here!

Donkey: Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for
a princess.

(Fiona turns her attention away from the setting sun)

Fiona: No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.

Shrek: Homey touches? Like what?

(He hears a huge ripping sound and looks over at Fiona, who has
torn the bark off of a tree with her bare hands)

Fiona: A door. Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.

(She enters the cave and puts the bark door up behind her)

Donkey: You want me to come in there and read you a bedtime

story? 'Cause I will.

Fiona: I said good night!

(Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then reaches to move the
boulder back in front of the entrance)

Donkey: Shrek, what are you doing?!

Shrek: (laughs) I just--you know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.

CLIFFSIDE - NIGHT

(Later that night Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire.
They gaze up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star
constellations to Donkey)

Shrek: And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever
spit over three wheat fields.

Donkey: Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?

Shrek: The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories.
Look, there's Bloodnut the Flatulent. You can guess what he's
famous for. (chuckles)

Donkey: Alright now I know you're making this up.

Shrek: No, look.

(Shrek traces the constellation with his finger)

Shrek: There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away
from his stench.

Donkey: Man, that ain't nothing but a bunch of little dots.

Shrek: You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they
appear. Hmm?

(Shrek glances over to see if Donkey understands him, but is met

with a blank look)

Shrek: Forget it.

Donkey: Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp

anyway?

Shrek: Our swamp?

Donkey: You know, when we're through rescuing the princess and
all that stuff.

Shrek: We? Donkey, there's no we. There's no our. There's just me

and my swamp. And the first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot
wall around my land.

(He turns his back on Donkey)

Donkey: You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now.

(Donkey walks over to face Shrek)

Donkey: You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just
a way to keep somebody out.

Shrek: No, do ya think?

(Shrek turns away again)

Donkey: Are you hidin' something?

Shrek: Never mind, Donkey.

(He lies on his back. Donkey leans over him)

Donkey: Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?

Shrek: No, this is one of those "drop it and leave it alone" things!

Donkey: Why don't you want to talk about it?

Shrek: Why do you want to talk about it? (turns)

Donkey: Why are you blocking?

Shrek: I'm not blocking! (turns)

Donkey: Oh, yes, you are.

Shrek: Donkey, I'm warning you...

Donkey: Who you trying to keep out?

(Shrek gets on his feet and faces Donkey)

Shrek: Everyone! Okay?!

Donkey: Oh, now we're getting somewhere.

(Unseen by either of them, Fiona was peeking around the cave door,
eavesdropping on the conversation)

Shrek: Oh! For the love of Pete!

(Shrek walks over to the edge of the cliff and sits down)

Donkey: Hey what's your problem Shrek? What you got against the
whole world anyway, huh?

Shrek: Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world
that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me
and go "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me
before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.

(Hidden in the shadows of the cave, Fiona's eyes were sympathetic.

She closes the door. Donkey stares silently at Shrek for a moment
and then sits down beside him)

Donkey: You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a
big, stupid, ugly ogre.

Shrek: Yeah, I know.

Donkey: So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

Shrek: Well, there's, um, Gabby...the Small...and Annoying.

Donkey: Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there.
That one there?

Shrek: That's the moon.

Donkey: Oh, okay.

DULOC - LORD FARQUAAD'S BEDROOM

(Lord Farquaad's room is is filled with items prepared for his

wedding, including crowns and wedding outfits for him and Fiona.
Mama Bear is now a taxidermized rug. Soft music plays in the
background. Lord Farquaad lays in bed with the Magic Mirror set up
at the foot of the bed)

Lord Farquaad: Again, show me again.

We hear the sound of tape rewinding.

Lord Farquaad: Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the

princess.

Magic Mirror: (uncomfortably) Hmm.

(The Mirror reluctantly rewinds and begins to play again from the
beginning, displaying the image of Fiona waiting in her tower)

Lord Farquaad: Ah...perfect.

Lord Farquaad looks down and pulls the sheet up to cover himself
as the covers rise.

CLIFFSIDE - MORNING
(Fiona walks out of the cave and glances at Shrek and Donkey who
are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods, marveling at the
nature, and begins to sing. A bluebird flies over to join in her song.
She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles to keep up
with her. Fiona hits a high, horrible note that causes the bird to
explode. Fiona looks guilty, but she eyes the eggs that the bird left
behind. A little later, Fiona is now frying the eggs over the campfire
using a rock skillet. Shrek wakes up, smells the food, and takes
note of Fiona. Donkey is talking to himself in his sleep)

Donkey: Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. Come on, baby. I
said I like it...

Shrek: Donkey, wake up. (shakes him)

Donkey: Huh? What?

Shrek: Wake up.

Donkey: What? (stretches and yawns)

Fiona: Good morning. Uhmm... how do you like your eggs?

Donkey: Oh, good morning, Princess!

Shrek: What's all this about?

Fiona: You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday and I
wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.

(Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them)

Shrek: Uh, thanks.

(Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips)

Fiona: Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.

(Fiona walks off, seemingly in a better mood than yesterday. Shrek

and Donkey look at each other)

SHERWOOD FOREST

(The 3 continue their journey back to Duloc though the woods.

Shrek lets out a loud belch)

Donkey: Shrek!

Shrek: What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say.
(laughs)

Donkey: Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess!

(Fiona belches, stopping Shrek and Donkey in their tracks)

Fiona: Thanks.
Donkey: She's as nasty as you are.

Shrek: (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly what I expected.

Fiona: Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to
know them.

(She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly

from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona away)

Monsieur Hood: La liberte! Hey!

SHREK: Princess!

(Fiona and the unknown man land on a limb high above in the trees.
It is none other than Monsieur Hood, also known as Robin Hood.
Fiona breaks away from Monsieur Hood, who has his hand around
her waist)

Fiona: Oh! Wait wait--what are you doing?!

Monsieur Hood: Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am

rescuing you from this green...

(Monsieur Hood brings Fiona's hand to his chest, and then carpets
Fiona's arms with kisses as she pulls back in disgust)

Monsieur Hood: ...beast.

(His smile is only met with annoyance, which confuses him)

Shrek: Hey! That's my princess! Go find you own!

Monsieur Hood: Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy
here?

(Fiona gives Monsieur Hood a one-handed push and jams her finger
into his chest)

Fiona: Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!
Monsieur Hood: Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me
introduce myself.

He cups his hand and calls into the woods

Monsieur Hood: Oh, Merry Men! (laughs)

(Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merrymen pop out

from the bushes. They begin to sing along with Monsieur Hood)

Merrymen: Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

Monsieur Hood: I steal from the rich and give to the needy.

Merryman: He takes a wee percentage,

Monsieur Hood: But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels, man,
I'm good.

Merrymen: What a guy, Monsieur Hood.

Monsieur Hood: Break it down. I like an honest fight and a saucy

little maid...

Merrymen: What he's basically saying is he likes to get...

Monsieur Hood: Paid! So...When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by

the tush. That's bad.

Merrymen: That's bad. That's bad. That's bad!

Monsieur Hood: When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully

mad!

Merrymen: He's mad, he's really, really mad!

(Fiona, still up in the tree, looks down. Her expression changes from
confusion to horror as Monsieur Hood sings the last line)

Monsieur Hood: I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart,
keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start...
(Fiona swings down from the tree limb and kicks Monsieur Hood in
the head, knocking him unconscious. She lands with a back flip in
front of Shrek and Donkey)

Fiona: Man, that was annoying!

(Shrek looks at her in admiration)

Merryman: Oh, you little--

(The Merry Man shoots an arrow at Fiona but she ducks out of the
way. The arrow flies past her and towards Donkey, who jumps into
Shrek's arms to get out of the way. Fiona demonstrates her martial
arts skills and easily defeats up every last Merryman. The Merrymen
are left on lying on the ground and Fiona walks away. Fiona looks a
little embarrassed as she smoothes out her dress and regains her
composure)

Fiona: Uh, shall we?

Shrek: Hold the phone.

(Taken aback, Shrek drops Donkey and begins walking after Fiona)

Shrek: Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come
from?

Fiona: What?

Shrek: That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn
that?

(Fiona blushes)

FIONA: Well...(laughs) when one lives alone, uh, one has to learn
these things in case there's a...there's an arrow in your butt!

(Fiona points downwards at a small arrow jutting out of Shrek's

butt)

Shrek: What? Oh, would you look at that?

Fiona: Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.

(Shrek lightly tugs at the arrow but stops, wincing in pain. Donkey
catches up to them)

Donkey: Why? What's wrong?

Fiona: Shrek's hurt.

Donkey: Shrek's hurt! Shrek's hurt?!

(Donkey frantically begins to scamper around)

Donkey: Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die!

Shrek: Donkey, I'm okay.

Donkey: You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die!
Keep your legs elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anyone
know the Heimlich?!

(Fiona grabs Donkey's head and pulls it down to her)

Fiona: Donkey! Calm down! If you want to help Shrek, run into the
woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.

Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red
thorns. Don't die Shrek.

(Donkey begins to head in a random direction into the forest.)

Donkey: And if you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!

Shrek and Fiona: Donkey!

Donkey: Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red
thorns...

(Donkey marches off, still chanting, until he is out of earshot)

Shrek: What are the flowers for?

Fiona: For getting rid of Donkey.

Shrek: Ah...

(Shrek's confused look turns into a big grin)

Fiona: Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.

Fiona grabs hold of the arrow and begins to pull. Shrek winces and
jumps away.

Shrek: Ow! Hey! Easy with the yanking!

Fiona: Well, I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

Shrek: No, it's tender.

(As they continue to talk Fiona keeps grabbing after the arrow as
Shrek dodges her attempts)

Fiona: Now, hold still.

Shrek: What you're doing is the opposite of help.

Fiona: Don't move.

Shrek: Look, time out.

(Shrek puts his entire hand over Fiona's face, stopping her in her
tracks)

Fiona: Would you...

(She takes Shrek's hand off her face)

Fiona: Okay. What do you propose we do?

SHERWOOD FOREST - ELSEWHERE

(Deeper in the woods, Donkey is hurriedly searching for the flower)

Donkey: Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue
flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-
blind! Blue flower, red thorns.

(Suddenly he hears a far out yell from Shrek)

Shrek: Owww!

Donkey: Hold on, Shrek! I'm coming!

(Donkey rips a flower off a nearby bush, which happens to be a blue

flower with red thorns, and takes off running)

SHERWOOD FOREST - CLEARING

(Back in the clearing, Shrek is laying on the ground facedown, while

Fiona stands over him, using both hands to try to remove the arrow)

Shrek: Ow! Not good.

Fiona: Okay. N--Okay. I can nearly see it...It's just about...

Shrek: Ow! Ohh!

(He rolls over, knocking Fiona off her feet and causing her to land on
top of him. For a moment they stare into each other's eyes)

Donkey: Ahem.

(They are both startled by Donkey's interruption. Donkey, with the

flower dropped at his feet, gives them a suggestive look)

Shrek: Nothing happened.

(Shrek pushes Fiona off him and rolls over to face Donkey)

Shrek: We were just, uh...

Donkey: Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask,
okay?
Shrek: Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess
here was just--

(Fiona quickly pulls the arrow out of Shrek's butt with one great
pull)

SHREK: Uggghhh!

(He turns to look at Fiona, who playfully shakes the arrow back and
forth with a coy smile)

Shrek: Ow!

Donkey: Hey, what's that? (chuckling) That's...is that blood?

(Donkey faints and falls into a pile of leaves. Shrek picks him up and
throws him over his shoulder, and the three continue on their
journey. There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to
Duloc)

(The group comes to a river with no path across, though it is clearly

shallow enough to walk over. Shrek climbs to the top of a tree,
using his weight to cause the tree to bend over the river and form a
bridge. Fiona crosses first and lays a hand on Shrek's back when
she gets to the other side. Shrek grins and gets up while Donkey is
still crossing, launching him back to the other side. In a field, Shrek
swats away at a swarm of flies following him. Fiona grabs a nearby
spiderweb from a tree branch and runs through the field, swinging it
around to catch the bugs. She spins the branch to form a sort of
cotton candy, and hands it to Shrek as a treat. As he walks off
biting it, she licks her fingers. Shrek catches a frog and blows it up
like a balloon to give to Fiona. Fiona catches a snake, blows into its
mouth, fashions it into a balloon animal and presents it to Shrek.
Fiona starts a playful shoving match with Shrek, with Shrek
ultimately flinging her into the bushes. She throws a twig at him as
they both laugh, letting go of their balloons. Donkey jumps after
them)

WINDMILL - EXTERIOR
(After breaking out of the forest, the group arrives onto a small rise
where an old, ruined windmill stands. The fields of Duloc stretch out
before before, and further in the distance stands the Duloc Castle)

Shrek: There it is, princess. Your future awaits you.

Fiona: That's Duloc?

(Fiona stands with her arm on Shrek's, but Donkey butts in-between
them. They both shrug at each other)

Donkey: Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's

compensating for something, which I think means he has a really...

(Shrek interrupts Donkey by stepping on his foot, causing him to fall

to the ground in pain. Fiona gives Shrek a suspicious look)

Donkey: Oww!

Shrek: Um, I, uh-- I guess we better move on.

Fiona: Sure. But, Shrek? I'm-- I'm worried about Donkey.

Shrek: What?

Fiona: I mean, look at him. He, he doesn't look so good.

(Nothing seems to be wrong with Donkey. Shrek smiles knowingly at

Fiona)

Donkey: What are you talking about? I'm fine.

(Fiona kneels down and takes Donkey's head in her arms)

Fiona: Well that's what they always say and then...then...then the
next thing you know, you're on your back. Dead.

Shrek: You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit
down?

Fiona: Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

Donkey: I didn't want to say nothing, but I got this twinge in my
neck, and when I turn my head like this, look.

(Donkey sharply leans his head to the side, letting out a loud crack)

Donkey: Ow! See?

(Shrek and Fiona give each happy looks, having made up an excuse
to stall for time)

Shrek: Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

Fiona: I'll get the firewood.

(Shrek and Fiona both walk off in separate directions)

Donkey: Hey, where you going? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! (looks
down) I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug.

WINDMILL - EXTERIOR - EVENING

Shrek has built a fire and is cooking something on a spit while Fiona
eats.

Fiona: Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?

Shrek: Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.

Fiona: No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

Shrek: Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag,
but I make a mean weed rat stew.

(Fiona smiles, but it quickly fades as she looks off at Duloc in the
distance)

Fiona: I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.

Shrek: Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll
cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare --
you name it.
(Fiona is now intently looking at Shrek, smiling)

Fiona: Hmmm, I'd like that.

(They gaze into each other's eyes longingly)

Shrek: Um...princess?

FIONA: Yes...Shrek?

Shrek: I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs) Are you gonna eat

that?

(Shrek points to her last piece of food. Fiona, expecting a different

question, removes the weedrat while Shrek is annoyed by the words
that couldn't come out. Fiona hands it to Shrek and he grabs onto
her hand. The two slowly lean towards each other. Donkey
interrupts the moment)

Donkey: Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.

(Shrek and Fiona are both startled out of their moment. Fiona's
mood changes and she sits up to abruptly face the sunset)

Fiona: Sunset?! Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.

(She begins backing up toward the windmill)

Shrek: What?

Donkey: Wait a minute. I see what's going on here.

(Fiona looks at Donkey and freezes with panic)

Donkey: You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?

Fiona: Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go
inside.

(She smiles as she turns around to walk up the windmill's steps. She
breathes a sigh of relief)
Donkey: Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too,
until -- Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

(Shrek groans and Fiona chuckles)

Fiona: Good night.

Shrek: Good night.

(Fiona goes inside the windmill, gives Shrek a look, and closes the
door. Donkey looks at Shrek with a new eye)

Donkey: Ohh! Now I really see what's going on here.

Shrek: Oh, what are you talkin' about?'

(Donkey trots over to Shrek as he kneels by the fire and fiddles with
one of the spits)

Donkey: I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got
instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could
feel it.

Shrek: You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.

Donkey: Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones.
Just go on in and tell her how you feel.

Shrek: I--there's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that,
well, you know-- and I'm not sayin' I do, 'cause I don't -- she's a
princess, and I'm...

Donkey: An ogre?

Shrek: Yeah. An ogre.

(Shrek tosses the spit aside and trudges away)

Donkey: Hey, where you going?

Shrek: To get...more firewood.

(Donkey looks suspiciously over at the large pile of firewood already
piled up. Shrek sits on the hill and gazes out at Duloc until nightfall)

WINDMILL - EXTERIOR - NIGHT

(Donkey opens the door to the windmill and steps in. The abandoned
windmill is filed with shadows and cobwebs. All is quiet and Fiona is
nowhere to be seen)

Donkey: Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?

A group of birds flocks out the top of the roof, startling Donkey. He
continues on.

Donkey: Princess?

(A hand grips the rungs of a ladder)

Donkey: It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.

(Fiona looks at Donkey, cloaked in shadows, from up above on a

platform. She tries to sneak away, but a wood plank breaks and she
falls down with a crash. She screams and lands on a sack of flour,
launching a cloud of flour into the air. Donkey is frozen with fear,
unable to tell who the figure is)

Donkey: Aah!

Fiona: No, no!

Donkey: No, help!

Fiona: Shh!

(An ogress emerges from the cloud of flour, approaching Donkey)

Donkey: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

Fiona: No, it's okay! It's okay!

Donkey: What did you do with the princess?!

Fiona: Donkey, shh! I'm the princess.

Donkey: Aah!

Fiona: It's me, in this body.

Donkey: Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to her stomach) Can you
hear me?

Fiona: Donkey!

Donkey: (still aimed at her stomach) Listen, keep breathing! I'll get
you out of there!

Fiona: No!

Donkey: Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!

Fiona: (Covering Donkey's mouth) Shh.

Donkey: (Muffled) Shrek!

Fiona: This is me.

(Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he calms
down)

Donkey: Princess...? What happened to you? You're,

uh...uh...eh...different.

Fiona: I'm ugly, okay?

Donkey: Well, yeah! Well was it something you ate? 'Cause I told
Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now--

Fiona: No! I -- I've been this way as long as I can remember.

Donkey: What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this
before.

Fiona: It only happens when sun goes down.

(Fiona leans over a barrel filled with water, looking at her reflection)

Fiona: "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm...
until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."

Donkey: Aww, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.

Fiona: It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell
on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast!

(Fiona smacks her reflection in the water, which splashes water

onto Donkey)

Fiona: I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would
rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow
before the sun sets and he sees me...like this.

(She holds her head and begins to cry)

Donkey: All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're
not that ugly. Well, ok, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only
look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7.

Fiona: But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is
meant to look.

Donkey: Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?

Fiona: I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.

Donkey: But, you know, um...you're kind of an ogre. And

Shrek...well...you got a lot in common.

Fiona: Shrek?

WINDMILL EXTERIOR

(Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his hand,

talking to himself)
Shrek: Princess, I-- Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good
for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because
it's pretty and-- well, I don't really like it but I thought you might like
it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd-- uh, uh...(sighs) I'm
in trouble. Okay, here we go.

(He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey
and Fiona talking)

Fiona: I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me,
Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and
ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't
stay here with Shrek.

(Shrek steps back in shock, misunderstanding the conversation's

meaning)

Fiona: My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true

love. Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be.

(Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks
away angrily)

WINDMILL INTERIOR

Fiona: It's the only way to break the spell.

Donkey: Well you at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.

(Donkey walks over to the door)

Fiona: No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.

Donkey: What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep
secrets?

Fiona: Promise you won't tell. Promise!

Donkey: All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should.

(Donkey steps outside and talks to himself)

Donkey: I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot
of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitching.

(Fiona opens the door and watches him walk away. She looks down
and spots the sunflower left by the door. She picks it up and looks
around, then heads back inside and closes the door. Donkey falls
asleep by the fire outside)

WINDMILL INTERIOR - MORNING

(Donkey is asleep. Fiona is still awake, plucking at petals from the

sunflower)

Fiona: I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not...

(Fiona picks the last petal off the sunflower, smiling)

Fiona: I tell him! Shrek!

(She opens the door and steps outside)

Fiona: Shrek! There's something I want...

(Fiona looks around for Shrek only to see Donkey sleeping. She sees
the rising sun, and as the sun crests the sky, she turns back into a
human. She looks up again to see Shrek stomping towards her. She
hurries over to him)

Fiona: Shrek! Are you all right?

(She puts her hand on his arm, but he nudges it away and walks
past her)

Shrek: Perfect! Never been better.

Fiona: I...I don't...there's something I have to tell you.

Shrek: You don't have to tell me anything, princess. I heard enough

last night.

Fiona: You heard what I said?

Shrek: Every word.

(Shrek sits down on the steps of the windmill and faces Fiona)

Fiona: I thought you'd understand.

Shrek: Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous,
ugly beast?"

Fiona: But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.

Shrek: Yeah? Well, it does.

(Fiona looks at him in shock, tears welling in her eyes. Shrek looks
past her and spots a group approaching)

Shrek: Ah, right on time. Princess, I've brought you a little

something.

(Shrek gestures towards the group and Fiona stands with her mouth
wide. Lord Farquaad arrives on horseback, appearing taller than
usual, along with an escort of guards. Donkey wakes up with a yawn
as the guards march by)

Donkey: What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

(One of the guards looms over him and he begins to scurry away,
muttering to himself)

Donkey: Who said that? Couldn't have been the donkey.

(Lord Farquaad stops his horse in front of Fiona)

Lord Farquaad: Princess Fiona.

Shrek: As promised. Now hand it over.

Lord Farquaad: Very well, ogre. The deed to your swamp, cleared
out, as agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind.
(Shrek snatches the deed out of the hands of a guard and walks
away. Fiona is put off by this exchange. She reverts her attention
back to the long-awaited Lord Farquaad)

Lord Farquaad: Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you
startled me--for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I
am Lord Farquaad.

Fiona: Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. Forgive me, my lord, for I was just
saying a short...

(Lord Farquaad snaps his finger and is lifted off his horse by his
guards. Left behind on the horse is a large set of gauntlets and a
pair of leg extenders that reached down to the stirrups, which made
him look so tall on the saddle. and set down in front of her. Standing
at the height of four and a half feet, he is much shorter than Fiona.
Her look turns from nervousness to bemusement, and she
awkwardly smiles)

Fiona: ...farewell.

Lord Farquaad: Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good
manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings.

Fiona: No, you're right. It doesn't.

(Shrek, still standing nearby with his back turned, is hurt by the
comment. Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his
face)

Lord Farquaad: Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask

your hand in marriage.

(Lord Farquaad gets down on one knee and takes Fiona's hand,
pulling her down sharply)

Lord Farquaad: Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?

(Fiona makes eye contact with Shrek before he turns away. Her sad
look turns to bitterness)

Fiona: Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make--

Lord Farquaad: Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

Fiona: No!

(Shrek spins back around with a hopeful look on his face while
Fiona tries to regain her composure)

Fiona: I mean--ah, why wait? Let's get married today. Before sunset.

(Shrek glares and turns away)

Lord Farquaad: Oh, anxious, are we? You're right. The sooner, the
better. There's so much to do!

(Lord Farquaad snaps his fingers and is lifted onto his horse by his
guard. The guard offers Fiona assistance, but she looks up onto the
saddle on her own)

Lord Farquaad: There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest
list. Captain, round up some guests!

(Fiona, Lord Farquaad, and his guards set off towards Duloc. Fiona
gives Shrek one last spiteful look)

Fiona: Fare thee well, ogre.

(Donkey catches up to Shrek as he his walking away)

Donkey: Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away!

Shrek: Yeah? So what?

Donkey: Shrek there's something about her you don't know. Look, I--
I talked to her last night... She's --

Shrek: Yeah I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals,
aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you
follow her home?!

Donkey: But Shrek, I-- I wanna go with you.

Shrek: Hey I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I
live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody!
ESPECIALLY USELESS, PATHETIC, ANNOYING, TALKING DONKEYS!

Donkey: But, I thought...

Shrek: Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! (storms off)

Donkey: (sadly) Shrek.

(Montage of different scenes. Shrek arrives back home. The swamp

is a mess but the fairytale creatures are gone. Fiona is being fitted
for her wedding dress. Shrek throws a sunflower into the fireplace.
Lord Farquaad proudly tries on his crown. Fiona stares at her
wedding cake, pushing down a figure of Lord Farquaad to show his
actual height. She notices a suit of armor that reminds her of Shrek.
Donkey stops by a river where he finds Dragon crying, both of them
happy to see each other. Shrek and Fiona both try to eat dinner but
start crying)

SHREK'S SWAMP

(Shrek is sitting at the dinner table when he hears a sound outside.

He goes outside to investigate, and sees Donkey assembling a line
of branches and small rocks)

Shrek: Donkey? What are you doing?

Donkey: I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall

when you see one.

Shrek: Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp,

not through it.

Donkey: It is, around your half. See that's your half, and this is my
half.

Shrek: Oh! Your half? Hmm.

Donkey: Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the
work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one
that looks like your head.
(Shrek starts pulling down the wall and picks up a large branch.
Donkey butts his head against it and the 2 struggle over it)

Shrek: Back off!

Donkey: No, you back off.

Shrek: This is my swamp!

Donkey: Our swamp!

Shrek: Let go, Donkey!

Donkey: You let go!

Shrek: Stubborn jackass!

Donkey: Smelly ogre.

Shrek: Fine!

(Shrek suddenly lets go of the branch, tripping Donkey over, and he

walks away)

Donkey: Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.

Shrek: Well, I'm through with you!

(Donkey starts following him)

Donkey: Uh-uh! You know, with you it's always "me, me, me!" Well,
guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention!

(Just as Shrek nears the door to his home, Donkey jumps in front of
him. Shrek walks in another direction)

Donkey: You are mean to me! You insult me and you don't
appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or
pushing me away.
Shrek: Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came
back?

Donkey: Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!

Shrek: Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you...for stabbing me

in the back!

(Shrek enters the outhouse and slams the door behind him)

Donkey: Ohhhhh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're

afraid of your own feelings.

Shrek: Go away!

Donkey: See! There you are, doing it again just like you did to Fiona.
And all she ever do was like you, maybe even love you.

Shrek: Love me? She said I was ugly! A hideous creature! I heard
the two of you talking.

Donkey: She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin'

about...uh...somebody else.

(After a brief silence, Shrek comes up of the outhouse)

Shrek: She wasn't talking about me? Well then who was she talking
about?

(Donkey turns his back to Shrek)

Donkey: Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna

listen to me. Right? Right?

Shrek: Donkey!

Donkey: No!

Shrek: Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?

(Donkey turns his head back to raise his eyebrow, and then looks
away again. Shrek sighs)

Shrek: I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid...ugly ogre. Can you
forgive me?

Donkey: Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

Shrek: Right. Friends?

Donkey: Friends.

(Shrek and Donkey shake on it)

Shrek: So, um, what did Fiona say about me?

Donkey: What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?

Shrek: The wedding! We'll never make it in time.

Donkey: Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way
and I have a way.

(Donkey whistles loudly, and Shrek looks up to see Dragon flying

overhead)

Shrek: Donkey?!

Donkey: I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

Shrek: (laughs) Aw, come here, you.

(Shrek gives Donkey a noogie)

Donkey: All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss
ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to
install the seat belts yet.

(Shrek climbs up the chain still slung around Dragon's neck. Dragon
lifts Donkey up with her hand. They take off, soaring through the
clouds and to Duloc)
DULOC CATHEDRAL - INTERIOR

(The church is packed with citizens. Fiona and Farquaad are

standing at the altar as the priest conducts the ceremony.
Thelonius stands nearby, golding a pillow on which rests the two
wedding rings. Men with prompter cards hold up cards that says
'Revered Silence')

Bishop: People of Duloc, we gather here today to bear witness to

the union....

(Fiona glances nervously at the window, noticing the sun slowly

dropping toward the horizon)

Fiona: Um-

Bishop: ...of our new king...

Fiona: Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?

(Lord Farquaad chuckles then motions to the bishop to indulge

Fiona)

Lord Farquaad: Go on.

DULOC CATHEDRAL - EXTERIOR

(A large group of guards stand outside the cathedral on watch.

Suddenly Dragon lands nearby and the guards flee in terror. Dragon
looks back at Donkey after him and Shrek climb off of her back)

Donkey: Go ahead, have some fun. If we need you, I'll whistle. How
about that?

(Dragon smiles, and nods, and takes off towards the town streets.
Shrek runs for the cathedral doors but Donkey hurries to get in his
way)

Donkey: Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right,
don't you?

Shrek: What are you talking about?

Donkey: There's a line, there's a line you gotta wait for. The priest is
gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." And that's when
you say, "I object!"

Shrek: Oh, I don't have time for this!

Donkey: Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me!

(Shrek pushes past him but Donkey pins him against the door)

Donkey: Look, you love this woman, don't you?

Shrek: Yes.

Donkey: You wanna hold her?

Shrek: Yes.

Donkey: Please her?

Shrek: Yes!

Donkey: (singing) "Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness".
(talking) The chicks love that romantic crap!

Shrek: All right! Cut it out! When does this guy say the line?

Donkey: We gotta check it out.

INTERIOR

As the bishop talks we see Donkey through one of the windows as

Shrek tosses him up so he can see.

Bishop: And so, by the power vested in me...

EXTERIOR

Shrek: What do you see?!

Donkey: The whole town's in there.

Bishop: I now pronounce you husband and wife...

Donkey: They're at the altar!

Bishop: ...king and queen.

Donkey: Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

Shrek: Oh, for the love of Pete!

(Shrek runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground
hard)

INTERIOR

(Fiona and Lord Farquaad are leaning in to kiss, but are interrupted
when Shrek bursts through the doors. They both turn to see him
running down the aisle)

Shrek: I object!

Fiona: Shrek?

(Fiona initially looks happily surprised to see him, but quickly

becomes upset. The bishop gasps, shuts his book, and quietly slinks
off)

Lord Farquaad: Oh, now what does he want?

(The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek walk ahead

towards the altar. They respond positively to him and begin to do
"the wave")

Shrek: Hi, everyone. Having a good time, are ya? I love Duloc, first
of all. Very clean.

Fiona: What are you doing here?

Lord Farquaad: Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one
wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding...
(Shrek initially seems taken aback by Farquaad's unnessarily harsh
comment, but he quickly brushes it off and turns his attention
towards Fiona)

Shrek: Fiona! I need to talk to you.

Fiona: Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll
excuse me--

(She leans over to kiss Farquaad but Shrek pulls her away by the
hand)

Shrek: But you can't marry him!

(She frees her hand from his grip)

Fiona: And why not?

Shrek: Because--because he's just marrying you so he can be king!

(The crowd gasps)

Lord Farquaad: Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him--

Shrek: He's not your true love.

FIONA: And what do you know about true love?!

Shrek: Well, I--uh--I mean...

(Fiona is taken aback by this)

Lord Farquaad: Oh, this is precious. (laughs) The ogre has fallen in
love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. (laughs)

(Lord Farquaad gestures to the man with the prompter card holds up
a card that says 'Laugh'. The whole congregation laughs)

Lord Farquaad: An ogre and a princess! (laughs)

(Shrek looks back at the laughing crowd and then down at the floor,
dejected)

Fiona: Shrek, is this true?

Lord Farquaad : Who cares?! It's preposterous! Fiona, my love,

we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me!

(Lord Farquaad holds Fiona's hand, puckers his lips, and leans
toward her. She looks down at him with disgust, and then averts her
attention to the window. The sun is just about to set)

Fiona: "By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you
before.

(Fiona backs up and gives Shrek a sheepish smile. As the sun sets,
she changes into her ogre self. The crowd gasps and one person
faints. Shrek stares at Fiona in astonishment, and then grins)

Shrek: Well, uh, that explains a lot!

(Fiona locks eyes with Shrek and smiles)

Lord Farquaad : Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to

get them out of my sight now!

(A large amount of guards run in and grab ahold of Shrek and Fiona)

Lord Farquaad : Get them! Get them both!

Fiona: No, no! Shrek!

(Shrek and Fiona try to grab each other's arms but are pulled away
from each other. Lord Farquaad grabs ahold of his crown and puts it
on)

Lord Farquaad: This hocus-pocus alters nothing! This marriage is

binding, and that makes me king! See?! See?!

Fiona: No, let go of me! Shrek!

Shrek: No!

Lord Farquaad : Don't just stand there, you morons!

Shrek: Get out of my way! Fiona!

Lord Farquaad: Kill him if you have to--but get him!

(Shrek angrily fights back and knocks out a few of the guards, but
they are able to subdue him through sheer numbers)

Lord Farquaad: Beast, I'll make you regret the day we met! I'll see
you drawn and quartered! You'll beg for death to save you!

Fiona: No, Shrek!

Lord Farquaad : And as for you, my wife!

(Lord Farquaad pulls out a dagger and holds it to Fiona's throat)

Shrek: Fiona!

Lord Farquaad: I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of
your days! I am king!

(Shrek manages to pulls his arm free and he whistles loudly)

Lord Farquaad: I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have--

Suddenly Dragon, with Donkey atop her head, crashes through a

large window behind him. Lord Farquaad drops his weapon and
looks up.

Lord Farquaad: (Screaming)

Dragon swoops down and swallows him up in one gulp. The guards
either run away or step back.

Donkey: All right! Nobody move! I got a dragon here, and I'm not
afraid to use it.
(Dragon roars, causing most of the guards to away in fear. The
remaining guards let go of Shrek and Fiona, backing away)

Donkey: I'm a donkey on the edge!

(Dragon belches and Lord Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth
and falls to the ground)

Donkey: Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

(The congregation laughs and cheers)

Donkey: Go ahead, Shrek.

Shrek: Uh, Fiona?

Fiona: Yes, Shrek?

Shrek: I -- I love you.

Fiona: Really?

Shrek: Really, really.

Fiona: I love you too.

(Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes
'Awwww' on the back and shows it to the congregation. Suddenly
the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted up into the air
and she hovers while the magic works around her. Fiona's voice is
heard although she isn't moving her lips)

Fiona: "Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true
form. Take love's true form. Take love's true form."

(Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide and light up. The force of the spell
blows against the crowd and all the windows. All except for one
with an image of Farquaad on it, which Dragon breaks with her fist.
Fiona is lowered to the ground and Shrek runs up to her)

Shrek: Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?

(Fiona slowly stands up, still an ogress)

Fiona: Well, yes...but I don't understand. I'm supposed to be

beautiful.

Shrek: But you are beautiful.

(They smile at each other)

Donkey: I was hoping this would be a happy ending.

(Shrek and Fiona)

THE SWAMP
Shrek and Fiona are now joined in matrimony in Shrek's swamp.
Among the attendees are the fairytale creatures once banished to
the swamp, as well as a few Duloc Guards. Shrek and Fiona walk
down the aisle to their awaiting carriage, which is made of a giant
onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet which both Cinderella and Snow
White try to catch. They end get into a cat fight and Dragon catches
the bouquet instead. Donkey looks nervous, but Shrek and Fiona
give him reassuring looks. Gingy has been mended somewhat and
now has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane.

Gingy: God bless us, every one.

The guests party and dance as Donkey takes over singing The
Monkees song. Shrek and Fiona ride away in their carriage. Cut to a
storybook that reads "And they lived ugly ever after...THE END".

Donkey: (as he's done singing and we fade to black) Oh, that's
funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
THE END
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