Copyright

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individuals are composites.

Copyright © 2019 by Phyllis Fagell

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CONTENTS

Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Foreword
Introduction

Chapter 1 WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL ABOUT MIDDLE SCHOOL?

VALUES AND INTEGRITY

“It’s easier to lie than deal with all the drama.”
Chapter 2 MAKING RESPONSIBLE, HEALTHY, AND ETHICAL DECISIONS
Chapter 3 FOSTERING HONESTY
Chapter 4 ENCOURAGING KINDNESS AND EMPATHY
Chapter 5 EMBRACING DIFFERENCE IN SELF AND OTHERS

SOCIAL SKILLS
“I feel judged and ignored.”
Chapter 6 MANAGING SHIFTING FRIENDSHIPS
Chapter 7 DEALING WITH BULLYING
Chapter 8 COPING WITH GOSSIP AND SOCIAL TURMOIL
Chapter 9 GROWING UP SEXUALLY HEALTHY
Chapter 10 PREPARING FOR LOVE
 LEARNING
“Everyone is getting A’s except for me.”
Chapter 11 ENCOURAGING BALANCE AND SETTING REASONABLE EXPECTATIONS
Chapter 12 TACKLING HOMEWORK
Chapter 13 INTERVENING WHEN SCHOOL IS A STRUGGLE

EMPOWERMENT AND RESILIENCE

“There are all sorts of people in the world, and we’ll all find our place.”
Chapter 14 CONNECTING WITH BOYS AND HELPING THEM CONNECT WITH
OTHERS
Chapter 15 RAISING STRONG, EMPOWERED GIRLS
Chapter 16 TAKING RISKS IN A WORLD OF NO’S
Chapter 17 MANAGING SETBACKS AND SHORING UP RESILIENCE
Chapter 18 PREPARING KIDS FOR A CHANGING WORLD
Conclusion MOVING FORWARD: “Make mistakes, model self-compassion, and grow
alongside your child.”

Acknowledgments
Discover More
About The Author
Praise for Middle School Matters
Parent Discussion Guide
Educator Discussion Guide
Resources
Index
FOR STEVE, BEN, EMILY, AND ALEX
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FOREWORD

I GIVE PRESENTATIONS TO THOUSANDS OF PARENTS AROUND THE world, and

their biggest concerns always revolve around middle school—everything
from shifting friendships to character development to learning and
preparing kids for an unknown, changing world. Parents may ask me how
they can help their kids recover from social rejection or bullying, or how
they can instill honesty, empathy, responsibility, and kindness. You may
wonder: When is the best time to give my child a phone, let them use social
media, or take public transportation alone? How much should I be helping
them with homework, monitoring their online behavior, or communicating
with their teachers? What are the signs that my child could have a learning
or attentional challenge? And just how much stress, moodiness, and anxiety
is normal for a middle schooler? You may have heard that focusing on
grades and test scores won’t create happy, successful, thriving kids, but it’s
a confusing message. You might be thinking, “Okay, but what am I
supposed to be doing instead?”
Well, take a deep breath and relax. What you have in your hands is
golden. Phyllis is the perfect person to address these questions and to write
this book. She’s an extraordinary middle school counselor with many years
of experience. I’ve watched her in action with students, and she has rapport,
competence, and compassion. She gives wonderful, profound, spot-on
advice to help kids solve whatever issues they’re facing. Because she’s in
the field working with children every day, she’s privy to thoughts the rest of
us don’t often hear, and she’s able to help you make sense of your child’s
feelings and behavior. She helps you see them through a different lens so
you can leverage their strengths and stay close. You may not be able to use
the same strategies that worked when your child was six or eight, but
Phyllis gives you all the tools you need to make the most of these make-or-
break years. This is a book that will allay any fears you have about your
power as a parent.
Phyllis not only has advised thousands of parents in her capacity as a
counselor, therapist, writer, and speaker, but she’s also the mother of three
children, including two teens and a tween. She’s steeped in the phase,
presenting at national conferences and schools and interviewing educators,
students, and parents across the world. As a result, she’s been able to
identify the most pressing, key issues for middle schoolers today. One thing
is clear: We’re not the only ones concerned about this age group, and
Phyllis’s advice applies to kids everywhere.
There are many reasons I’m delighted to be writing this foreword, and
many reasons why I think this is the best book out there on middle school.
For starters, Phyllis’s advice is not only practical and proven, but it’s
grounded in breaking new studies. She’s a constant reader, and I can
guarantee you that you’re reading the most cutting-edge research available.
She turns evidence-based ideas into common sense, reassuring, and
concrete advice. She’s always up to date, and she knows how to empower
middle school–age kids. She doesn’t just provide tips on how to deal with
issues such as bullying, cliques, or poor grades. Her writing is far more
nuanced, she digs deep to find the real issues at hand, and she
contextualizes information so she can offer targeted advice. For example,
she doesn’t force social media into its own category. Instead, she addresses
the topic anywhere it would crop up in a middle schooler’s life, including in
relation to sleep, self-regulation, homework completion, gossip, and
sexting.
What also sets Middle School Matters (MSM) apart is that it translates
kids’ needs and concerns into simple, direct, easy interventions that have a
big impact. Too often, we make parenting more complicated than it needs to
be. MSM offers everything—conversation starters, stories, examples,
statistics, resources, tips from experts, news stories, and anecdotes—so you
can handle all kinds of scenarios. It’s a road map for raising a healthy,
happy, resilient, and ethical child.
At the heart of the book are middle schoolers themselves. There’s an
accumulation of student voices throughout the book that lend authenticity.
Those voices are also a reality check. We read about kids’ worries, wins,
fears, insecurities, and dreams for the future. We hear glorious stories of
big-hearted, courageous kids making a difference, and get a glimpse into
what they want from us, their parents. We learn about possible gaps in their
knowledge, and we begin to grasp just how different their world is from the
one we remember. We also learn how to connect with our child without
violating their desire for privacy. The underlying message is clear: this isn’t
a phase to dread or the time to back off. In fact, these are years to cherish.
One of my favorite sections—and I bet it will be one of your favorites as
well—is the final chapter. The book shares the advice recent middle school
graduates would give themselves, their parents, and current middle
schoolers. One teen said, “Parents need to ask a lot of questions. Just sit
down and talk about life, about their social drama, about academics, about
whatever is on their mind, and let them know you hear them. Tell them you
get that it’s difficult, and maybe Mary Jo isn’t being the best friend right
now—but don’t just jump in and give advice.” The ideas they share parallel
what Phyllis has been saying all along, but we get to hear it from a different
set of voices.
Parenting is a work in progress; we’re all constantly trying to get better,
there’s no instruction manual, and guilt and shame have no place in advice.
MSM reaffirms this idea and encourages parents to help their child identify
and take pride in their hidden superpowers. Above all, MSM wants you to
be an unwavering source of support for your child and to stay optimistic
and open-minded through their inevitable ups and downs. If you take MSM
to heart, a couple of things will happen. You’ll be a better parent, and you
and your child will become kinder, better, more resourceful, inclusive,
ethical people. And isn’t that what we’re all trying to do? We all want to
raise a good, strong person who wants to improve the world and who can do
so because we’ve empowered them. This is the way to grow and evolve
alongside your child. After reading this book, I know you’ll be able to make
the most of these years, and I bet you’ll even enjoy them!

—DR. MICHELE BORBA, author of

UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids
Succeed in Our All-About-Me World
INTRODUCTION

MENTION THE WORDS “MIDDLE SCHOOL” AND MOST ADULTS groan. I get it.
Even if we handled the phase with grace, we’re wired to remember the bad
and downright awkward moments. I have my own mental catalogue:
succumbing to pressure to weigh myself at a sleepover. Getting tossed out
of classes for giggling uncontrollably and passing notes. Eking by with a D
in seventh-grade math. Creating a “slam book” with friends so we could
describe one another’s flaws in detail. That seemed like a perfectly
reasonable idea at the time, but the comments stuck. (It was thirty years
before I cut my bangs again.) At twelve, peer approval was everything.
Kids are navigating a different world today, but middle school is equally
memorable. No one gets out unchanged. Middle school is a stew of
simmering hormones, shifting relationships, and increased expectations.
Mere months separate elementary from middle school, but the shift is
seismic. Suddenly, kids are yanked out of childhood and tossed into
adolescence. They have to master locker combinations, multiple courses,
and new routines. There’s an influx of new students and greater academic
demands. All of this is exciting, but leaves them feeling unmoored when
they most want to belong and fit in.
This is why middle school can seem like an endless soap opera featuring
complicated characters, from the thirteen-year-old girl who takes pictures of
herself in provocative poses and shares them with complete strangers, to the
twelve-year-old boy who does his homework every night but refuses to turn
it in. A mature eighth-grade boy may baffle his parents by sticking his head
in a toilet for fun on social media. A once-easygoing fifth grader may lash
out at anyone who looks at her the wrong way in sixth grade. A seventh-
grade soccer player may shut down when he gets cut from the school team.
As painful as this is for them to experience, it can be even more
excruciating to witness. Your kids may seem unrecognizable to you and feel
like strangers to themselves.
Your child’s lack of life experience exacerbates already heightened
emotions. Adults tend to look back on that phase and remember only the
intensity, but kids can emerge from this vulnerable period feeling happy,
competent, and prepared for high school and adult life. Missteps are
inevitable and shouldn’t be seen as disasters. It feels counterintuitive, but
those slips actually build resilience. It’s tough to strike the right balance
between supporting kids and impeding their emerging autonomy.
When I graduated from junior high school in 1987, I never imagined that
someday I’d work in one. It took me a while to find my way back, but I’ve
now been through middle school three times: as a student, as a parent, and
now as a counselor. I started my career as a journalist writing about health
and science. After the birth of my second child, I decided to change careers,
becoming a licensed therapist and professional school counselor. Little did I
know that my oldest son would start middle school the same year I began
working in one! The following year, my daughter started sixth grade. (For
the record, as of this writing, that’s two kids down, one to go.) On top of
that, I was seeing middle school kids and their parents in private practice.
Not surprisingly, I’ve become a little obsessed with this age group.
Shortly after I started working as a middle school counselor, I began writing
for the Washington Post about the stuff that keeps me fired up at night:
busting myths, stereotypes, and outdated beliefs about learning, gender
differences, mental health, and communication. Rethinking how we foster
autonomy, teach self-regulation, and frame success. Instilling honesty,
kindness, and resilience. I’ve looked to other fields from character
education to technology for inspiration. I’ve spent the past few years
interviewing psychologists, teachers, writers, researchers, students,
physicians, parents, entrepreneurs, administrators, consultants, and maker
educators. Along the way, I’ve developed and honed my own approach.
One thing is clear: we need a new middle school mind-set.
As a counselor, I’ve vicariously experienced so much anxiety, but even
so, I’ve started to question the cliché about middle school as an unavoidable
period of misery that must be endured. After working with hundreds of kids
and parents, I believe we’ve got the paradigm all wrong. Yes, middle school
is messy, dramatic, and confusing at times, but it’s also the perfect time to
proactively build character and confidence.
I’ve seen this happen so many times. When I first started working with a
sixth-grade girl named Rebecca, she was obsessed with her grades. Every
night, she’d dissolve into tears, terrified that she had bombed a test. Her
parents and I worried that she’d buckle under the increased pressure of high
school. For the next two years, we worked together to teach Rebecca
relaxation strategies, encourage balance, and help her avoid catastrophizing.
By eighth grade, she was back on an even keel. The high school transition
ended up being a non-event.
Joey, an eighth-grade ringleader, took school in stride but felt little
empathy for classmates. He’d roll his eyes when someone got a wrong
answer. He’d whisper to friends about other kids’ lack of athleticism. When
the gym teacher would ask him to cut it out, Joey would say he wasn’t there
to make friends. One weekend, Joey started a group text chain, telling a
bunch of friends that a girl in their class had been hooking up with boys at
other schools. It wasn’t true, and when the girl’s parents found out, they
complained to school staff and other eighth-grade parents.
Joey was furious that adults were “badmouthing” him to one another
instead of addressing him directly. He accused them of acting more like
middle schoolers than grown-ups. He may not have seen the irony, but he
took on gossip as his personal cause. He led a gradewide discussion about
conflict resolution and respect. As a result, he improved the social dynamics
for everyone.
These types of wins are the reason I love kids this age. They’re flawed,
curious, impressionable, and receptive to new ideas. They’re sensitive to
injustice, empathetic, and attuned to one another’s needs. They’ll tell me if
a girl is cutting herself with a pair of nail scissors she’s carting around in
her pencil case. If a boy is skipping meals or his mood plummets abruptly,
I’m likely to hear about it. When kids are instructed to tell an adult, that
often means the school counselor. I frequently hear things that others don’t,
and I take that responsibility seriously.
As a counselor, I also hear from parents and guardians, who have asked
me all kinds of questions, from the practical to the philosophical. Should
they pay their children to get good grades? Should they make them stick
with activities they hate? Is there a way to ensure they make good
relationship choices? They question their instincts because this isn’t the
world they grew up in, when good grades and a slew of extracurricular
activities set students up for the “right” college and successful careers.
Parents are equally mystified by their kids’ online social lives. It’s a whole
new era with many unknowns, and that can feel scary.
Understandably, parents want to control whatever variables they can. It’s
discombobulating to realize how much is beyond their reach, from their
kids’ shifting friendships to their interests and passions. While there’s no
magical parent who holds the secret to connecting with teens or launching
them on the right path, no one should be throwing up their hands. The
parent of a tantrum-prone two-year-old doesn’t say, “You know, this kind of
sucks, so I’m just going to hang back. When he’s three, I’ll teach him how
to use his words.” Similarly, parents of middle schoolers can’t afford to sit
this phase out.
Middle schoolers are young enough to be unjaded, but old enough to
grasp sophisticated concepts. They can experiment, grow, and veer off
course while the stakes are low. It’s the ideal time to impart strategies, teach
social-emotional skills, and foster integrity and healthy risk-taking. Rather
than merely helping our kids to survive these years, we should look instead
to set them up to thrive. If we get it right, we’ll equip them to manage social
turmoil, maintain reasonable academic expectations, and make well-
considered decisions throughout their lives. Contrary to conventional
wisdom, kids can emerge from middle school stronger and wiser for their
struggles. Adults can and should play an active role in that process.
The good news is you aren’t helpless. You add value by sharing both
your positive and negative life experiences, offering unconditional love,
modeling critical thinking, and giving them tools to manage setbacks. I’ll
provide a road map and outline concrete strategies for a wide range of
scenarios, from “getting fired” by friends to managing a learning or
attention issue. I’ll also debunk many of the persistent myths about middle
schoolers. By the time you finish this book, I want you to feel empowered
to handle any middle school situation—and to see it as the once-in-a-
lifetime opportunity it is for your child.
CHAPTER 1

WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL ABOUT MIDDLE

SCHOOL?

“I’ve always loved middle school because kids are intellectually

growing so much and discovering what they’re passionate about,
but still young and not too obsessed with whether they’re cool.
You can still capture that little kid part of them, but they’re ready
to go intellectually. It’s that combination that’s magical.”
—SALLY SELBY, FORMER PRINCIPAL OF
SIDWELL FRIENDS MIDDLE SCHOOL

WHAT SETS MIDDLE SCHOOLERS APART? MIDDLE SCHOOL IS when life begins
to get more complicated for kids, but it’s not just the setting that makes it
different. The psychologist G. Stanley Hall first identified early adolescence
as a unique phase in 1904. By the 1950s, pioneering Swiss psychologist
Jean Piaget had built on Hall’s research and was working on developmental
stage theory. We now know much more about these unique years of early
adolescence—and why we should give them special attention.
These years are a time of incredible growth; the only other time in a
child’s life when they changed this rapidly was between birth and age two.
Your middle schooler is changing physically, intellectually, morally,
socially, and emotionally. Their prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that
handles executive functions and making decisions, is still developing.
Adolescent developmental pediatrician Ken Ginsburg explains, “Brain
development is occurring at a heightened pace; your ability to experience
and interpret emotions is very, very high; you’re beginning to imagine
yourself as an independent being; and you’re trying to figure out how you
fit in.” Ginsburg, the codirector of the Center for Parent and Teen
Communication at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia and the author of
Raising Kids to Thrive, wants parents to understand that adolescents’
fundamental questions are “Who am I?” “Am I normal?” and “Do I fit in?”
Kids are starting to think abstractly, engage in moral reasoning, and look
for meaning. They’re tuned into fairness and equity, and they’re starting to
solidify the beliefs and values they’ll hold for life. Social-emotional
maturity is still a work in progress, and sorting out relational drama is a
time-consuming task. Many are in the throes of puberty and becoming
moodier, more self-conscious, and less self-assured. The great paradox of
middle school is that kids can simultaneously feel judged and ignored. As
they toggle between wanting to form their own identity and fit in with
peers, they may withdraw or rebel.
Michael Gordon, a middle school principal for forty years, shared with
me that both the fun and the challenge of middle school is that on different
days, the same kid may present as thirteen going on thirty or thirteen going
on three. “It often seems that two distinct versions reside simultaneously
within the body of each student,” he told me. “One is a wide-eyed, open,
and happy child who will follow you anywhere with excitement and is
amazed by almost anything well-presented. The other is more emotional
and cerebral, capable of doing many things and synthesizing involved
concepts.”
When you consider what’s happening to their brains and bodies, it’s no
wonder that the shift from elementary to middle school can be bumpy. By
1966, educators started advancing the need for a separate middle school
model that could respond to the distinct characteristics of ten- to fifteen-
year-old children. Still, there’s reason to believe the traditional middle
school/junior high model isn’t ideal. In a study published in the American
Educational Research Journal, investigators looked at 90,000 sixth through
eighth graders in New York City and found that the social and academic
benefits of being “top dog” are strongest in sixth grade. Kids seem to learn
and achieve more in schools with longer grade spans, whether the school
serves grades K–8 or 6–12. In another study published in the Journal of
Early Adolescence, researchers tracked 6,000 students from kindergarten
through eighth grade. They concluded that starting a new school in sixth or
seventh grade negatively impacts kids’ motivation and feelings about their
academic ability.
There are many different iterations of middle school. High Rock School
in Needham, Massachusetts, for example, has a separate school that’s just
for sixth graders. The city’s public middle school serves the town’s seventh
and eighth graders, which mirrors my own junior high experience. By the
time I felt like I’d adjusted, it was time to leave. Other schools, such as
Sidwell Friends Middle School in Washington, DC, run from fifth through
eighth grade. That model allows the fifth and sixth grades to function as an
upper elementary program within the middle school. I met with the school’s
principal, Sally Selby, shortly before her retirement. “The sixth graders
benefit from the interdisciplinary nature of instruction, the homeroom
model, and the real connection to one adult,” she told me, adding that the
oldest students benefit, too. “There’s a refuge in having eighth grade in
middle school that allows them to keep baking. They don’t have to take on
the weight of the responsibility of high school—the seriousness of, ‘Oh my
god, grades count.’”
Some educators are innovating to help students make a smoother
transition to middle school. Robert Dodd, a principal in Maryland,
collaborated with Johns Hopkins University faculty to assess whether sixth
graders do better with less departmentalization. Dodd implemented the
program, called Project SUCCESS, in two middle schools in his district and
found that students have higher levels of achievement and social
engagement when they spend half of each school day with one teacher and
an intact peer group. It’s an approach that more closely resembles the kids’
elementary school experience. “The data is ridiculous,” he told me. “These
kids are more likely to feel that their teachers value and care about them
and their peers want to help them.”
I’ve been a counselor in both a huge, public 6–8 school and a small,
independent K–8 school with a separate middle school program. In my
experience, one school model might soften the journey more than another,
but the developmental phase seems to define the experience more than the
setting. Whether or not a student is “top dog,” children in early adolescence
require sensitive educators who can address their unique needs.
It can be a tough transition. Suddenly, kids are expected to act a lot older
than they were just a few months earlier. On top of juggling increased
academic demands, they’re navigating a more complex social world. The
expectations are higher academically, socially, and even athletically.
Students’ performance and motivation often slide during this transition, and
as the American Psychological Association notes, this can lead to self-
doubt. They’re also discovering their academic identity. This is when you
might hear a child start saying, “I’m not a math person,” or, “I’m terrible at
art.” We need to preserve their creativity and confidence, because middle
school is around the time when both take a nosedive. (This is especially true
for girls. A Ypulse study found that between their tween and teen years,
girls’ confidence that other people like them falls from 71 percent to 38
percent—a 46 percent drop.)
Middle school can leave the most self-assured parents full of self-doubt,
too. Your child may test your last nerve or pull away, but don’t be fooled.
They all crave acceptance. If you’re frustrated, baffled, or in need of an
empathy boost, remember what it felt like to be twelve. Try to appreciate
how exhausting it is for your child to manage supercharged emotions every
single day.

The Ten Key Skills Kids Need to Thrive in Middle School and
Beyond
No matter where your child is developmentally right now, my goal is to
ensure they emerge from this phase with the following ten key skills, which
range from the social and emotional to the logistical.
1. Make good friend choices. In middle school, shifting friendships
are a given. The ability to make good choices in friends comes on
the heels of making some questionable ones. Kids will figure out
quickly which friends instill a sense of belonging and which make
them feel uncomfortable. Some will still insist on hanging out with
the ones who make them feel terrible, and it can take a long time for
them to realize they’re sacrificing themselves. I’ll cover everything
from gossip to bullying, providing specific strategies to help kids
manage social turmoil.
2. Negotiate conflict. Kids this age must cope with increasingly
complex social interactions. They need to learn how to resolve
conflict, whether they choose to go several rounds in the ring with a
friend or walk away from a toxic relationship. They also must learn
how to work with peers. Not many students get through middle
school without feeling like they had to carry the load on at least one
group project. Teamwork provides a window into kids’ grit,
flexibility, self-awareness, and resiliency. They might be hampered
by clumsy social interactions or an inability to collaborate. I’ll
outline a range of ways to bolster their ability to work well with
others.
3. Manage a student-teacher mismatch. Kids can learn from a
teacher they don’t like. It’s a chance to practice working with
someone they find difficult. This is a life skill they’ll need in the
workplace, and it requires understanding themselves. I’ll offer
strategies to help kids manage these types of situations so they
won’t feel powerless.
4. Create homework and organization systems. Ideally, children, not
teachers or parents, take ownership of homework and grades. Kids
may say they don’t care, but they don’t have to be invested in a
particular outcome to change their behavior. After all, people who
hate exercise can still choose to lift weights. They need to be able to
create and tweak their organization systems and learn to monitor and
take responsibility for their own work. If you care about this more
than they do, why should they worry? They need to learn to carry
the burden and experience the connection between preparation and
performance. Conversely, if they’re perfectionists, they need to
know they can survive and manage the disappointment of a low
grade. I’ll give tips on raising independent, curious, motivated, and
resilient learners.
5. Consider others’ perspectives. If we want kids to accept their
uniqueness and embrace differences in others, they must build their
self-awareness. They also need to develop the ability to step into
 someone else’s shoes. I’ll describe how parents can build kids’
empathy, foster their positive self-concept, and help them cope with
setbacks by transcending the self.
6. Self-advocate. This is hard for adults, let alone kids, but it’s
imperative in a world full of people who’ll tell them “no.” By
middle school, kids should be mastering how to ask teachers for
help or clarification. To get them to a point where they can do that,
we need to encourage them to take risks and manage fear. I’ll
describe how parents can help them progress from meek to direct so
they don’t fall through the cracks.
7. Self-regulate emotions. Children often need assistance labeling
strong emotions before they can regulate them. It’s not easy for
middle schoolers to make connections between thoughts, feelings,
and behaviors. They may be stuck in all-or-nothing thinking or be
consistently self-critical. Unlike adults, they lack the benefit of life
experience or perspective. I’ll share how parents can help kids
manage their stress, whether they feel bad about themselves,
concerned about a specific situation, anxious about events in the
news, or worried about their own future.
8. Cultivate passions and recognize limitations. When children are
fired up about something, it’s important to let them run with it. Even
if their chosen interest doesn’t seem exciting to parents, they’re
identifying their strengths and figuring out what drives them.
They’re also discovering where they struggle. This is useful
information. No one needs to be good at everything, and school isn’t
one-size-fits-all. By honoring who they are and giving them
appropriate outlets for their talents, parents can position their kids to
feel competent and make a difference.
9. Make responsible, healthy, and ethical choices. Kids need to
know how to respect and take care of their bodies and make safe,
healthy decisions. It’s equally important that they understand how to
avoid putting others at risk. I’ll offer strategies to keep the lines of
communication open as you tackle issues such as sexting or self-
 harm.
10. Create and innovate. Our changing world needs imaginative
creators and divergent thinkers. When children think outside the
box, it builds their confidence. As your kids do their homework,
read required texts, and take standardized tests, they may not
understand that these benchmarks are not the only ways to measure
success. To be prepared for the innovation era, they’ll need to be
able to make connections across courses and to build, write, invent,
and experiment. When parents foster an inventor’s mentality, they
heighten their kid’s resourcefulness. For many adults, this requires a
mind shift, so I’ll offer specific tips.

If we want kids to master these ten crucial skills, we need to start with
the basics. If you use the strategies outlined in this book, you’ll set your
child up to thrive in high school and beyond. I’ll use a key at the beginning
of each chapter to illustrate how different strategies help kids acquire these
competencies. The book is divided into four domains: values and integrity,
social skills, learning, and empowerment and resilience. Let’s start from the
inside, with values and integrity. To morally and ethically negotiate
challenges, kids need a solid sense of self and empathy for others. Chapters
on smart decision-making, honesty, kindness, and embracing differences are
all about building kids’ character.
The second section covers social skills. Chapters on shifting friendships,
bullying, gossip, sex, and love will help you teach your kids to identify
healthy relationships and cope with social turmoil.
The third section focuses on learning. To help kids take responsibility
for their own learning, parents need to foster intrinsic motivation and set
reasonable expectations. In chapters on grades, homework, and learning
challenges, I’ll talk about how to capitalize on kids’ strengths and interests
and address their weaknesses.
The final section is on empowerment and resilience. Chapters on staying
connected to your sons and daughters and nudging them out of their
comfort zone will help you teach them to self-advocate, connect with
others, and communicate effectively. This section also offers techniques to
help kids manage setbacks, prepare for a changing world, and think flexibly
and outside the box. Of all the skills on my Top Ten list, this one might be
the most critical to their future career.
Parents’ primary job is to love and honor their children, and this is
especially important in middle school. The wider the gap between who kids
really are and who they think you need them to be, the more they’ll
struggle. If they learn to embrace what makes them unique at an age when
they most want to fit in, they’ll be more accepting of others. Even as they
establish boundaries, they need you now more than ever. You’re the role
model and safety net as they try on new identities and attitudes. I hope that
you’ll experiment with your kids, testing different approaches to academic,
social, and emotional issues while the risks are small and the rewards are
big.
 VALUES AND INTEGRITY

“It’s easier to lie than to deal with all the drama.”

CHAPTER 2

MAKING RESPONSIBLE, HEALTHY, AND

ETHICAL DECISIONS

KEY SKILLS

1—Make good friend choices

2—Negotiate conflict
5—Consider others’ perspectives
6—Self-advocate
7—Self-regulate emotions
9—Make responsible, healthy, and
ethical choices

“Is it safe to vape water? What about pot? How much alcohol is
too much?”
“I hate Katherine, so I got her Google password from her planner
and deleted the TV script she’d written.”
“I lost a bet, so I had to drink hot sauce. I got really sick.”

SHELBY, QUINN, AND SAMARA HAD BEEN POSTING VIDEOS ONLINE for months.
They’d carefully choose their outfits and songs, then spend hours crafting
elaborate routines. One Friday night, they decided to record a video while
dancing in bikinis. They set a timer so they could shoot the video hands-
free, ensuring that everyone would be visible. After they picked a filter,
they added the hashtag #sexy8thgradegirls and shared the video publicly.
Shelby’s mother, Maureen, recalls hearing the girls singing as she cooked
downstairs. She was glad they were having fun. She had no idea they were
about to get hundreds of creepy, unwanted propositions from middle-aged
men.
At first, Shelby, Quinn, and Samara thought the attention was kind of
funny, but the sheer volume of lewd comments started to scare them. They
decided to involve Maureen, who was shocked to discover their settings
were public. Ironically, they’d just attended an assembly at school about the
dangers of posting provocative images online. Maureen realized the
messages hadn’t sunk in. They had to experience the fallout firsthand to
really get it. The girls tried to minimize the damage by taking down the
video and deleting their accounts. Maureen also called the other girls’
parents, and they met to discuss privacy and safety. As the girls processed
with their parents, the #sexy8thgradegirls hashtag suddenly felt particularly
ill-conceived. Maureen says the talk was just a start. “If they can strip for
the world while I roast chicken downstairs, this clearly can’t be a one-and-
done conversation.”
“Parents often think their adolescents, who look like adults, are more
mature than they are,” says Dr. Joanna Cohen, associate professor of
pediatrics and emergency medicine at Children’s National Medical Center
in Washington, DC. Remember that underdeveloped prefrontal cortex?
Middle schoolers are prone to increased risk-taking and sensory overload
and may fail to think through consequences. Although they’re starting to
take a more sophisticated interest in moral and ethical decisions, they can
backslide into more childish behavior. It can be hard for middle schoolers to
push the “pause” button and delay their desire for immediate rewards,
especially when they think they have anonymity online.
This challenge can be easy for parents to forget. Kids at this age often
demonstrate great insight, particularly once they hit eighth grade. But while
kids make a big leap from sixth grade to eighth grade, there’s no such thing
as an average middle schooler. There can be vast differences even among
students in the same grade. One eighth grader might be worrying about
playing truth or dare, while his sexually active classmate is asking for
information about condoms. Life and family experiences also play an
important role. A seventh-grade boy who’d been sexually abused
throughout childhood and early adolescence shared with me that he feared
he might already be a father. Meanwhile, another boy the same age wanted
to know if it was legal to take a sip of his father’s beer.
Almost all middle schoolers have one thing in common. They’re getting
exposed to darker information than the high schoolers I counseled a decade
ago. Perhaps it’s not surprising, then, that they’re more anxious, too. On top
of academic and social pressure, they’re worried about how their choices
will impact their future.
Yet, developmentally they’re still middle schoolers. They need help
anticipating and interpreting events, and guidance making smart, ethical
decisions. The goal should be to teach your child these skills now, before
they find themselves (or put others) in confusing or dangerous situations.
High school will bring more pressure and greater exposure to drinking, sex,
drugs, and vaping.
Adolescents are “super learners,” pediatrician Ken Ginsburg explains.
“They’re wired to seek novelty and sensations, and the middle school years
are full of social disruptions and excitement.” He urges parents to talk
through peer negotiation strategies with their children that are aligned with
their values. This conversation helps kids navigate difficult circumstances
even when their peers make risky decisions.
To understand the decisions your child may have to confront now and in
high school, consider a few telling statistics from Monitoring the Future, an
ongoing study at the University of Michigan involving about 50,000
American students. In 2017, 8 percent of eighth graders reported nicotine
vaping, and about 9 percent of eighth graders said they smoked cigarettes.
It’s important to know if your child is trying e-cigs. Researchers from the
University of Pennsylvania and the University of Southern California found
that fourteen-year-olds who tried e-cigs were three times more likely to try
marijuana than students who hadn’t tried them.
None of those statistics include sixth and seventh graders, but no news
may be good news. Laurence Steinberg, a psychology professor at Temple
University and author of You and Your Adolescent, told me that while some
younger middle schoolers do try marijuana, he’d be surprised if many
experimented with more than alcohol.
The 2015 Youth Risk Behavior Survey found that anywhere from 5.2
percent to 12.6 percent of middle schoolers have had sexual intercourse.
When the researchers looked at risk-taking behaviors among older teens,
they found that 56.9 percent of sexually active high school students hadn’t
used a condom the last time they had sex, and 41.5 percent of high school
drivers had texted while on the road. In other words, now is the time to
teach your child how to anticipate and respond to various scenarios, before
they endanger themselves or anyone else.

Don’t assume your child can problem-solve like adults.

I invite my seventh graders to leave me notes whenever they have social
concerns. I once received the comment, “I’m so sick of everyone blaming
their undeveloped prefrontal cortex for their stupid decisions.” While I
empathized with that girl, it happens to be a valid excuse! The last parts of
the brain to connect are the frontal and prefrontal cortices, where insight,
empathy, and risk-taking are controlled. That doesn’t happen until around
age twenty-five.
This means that very smart kids may impulsively do stupid things. Add
in limited life experience and mood swings, and you begin to see why your
middle schooler still needs you to guide them and serve as their safety net.
Remind your child that their brain is still growing and they’re vulnerable to
poor judgment. They may know that cheating or shaming someone is
wrong, but then make an in-the-moment bad call. This is true even for
sweet, straight-A, even-keeled children.
Brain development aside, whether they’re fourteen or forty-four, smart
people can make stupid decisions. Research published in the journal
Thinking Skills and Creativity shows that critical thinking more strongly
predicts life events than intelligence. The good news is that these skills can
be taught. Expose your middle schooler to other people’s way of thinking
and expand their worldview. Encourage them to participate in activities that
require collecting and evaluating information, such as joining a debate team
or writing for their school paper. Pose thought-provoking questions, such
as, “Should school be year-round?” or, “Should eighteen-year-olds be
allowed to vote?” You also can pose more-general questions. “Would you
rather be considered kind or successful? Would you rather be the best
person on the worst team, or the worst person on the best team?” Ask them
to defend their belief, then switch and adopt the opposing viewpoint.
Don’t jump in to solve every dilemma, but debrief with your child once
they’ve tried. If they mention they got in a fight with an administrator, for
example, ask them how they intend to solve it. If they can’t come up with
any ideas, suggest good and bad options and ask them how they think
they’ll turn out. If they share that a student at another middle school got
suspended for drinking, flesh out the story. Ask, “Do you think the
punishment was reasonable?” Model flexibility in your own thinking.
Make a point of teaching media literacy skills, too. Kids are highly
attuned to the concept of “fake news,” but they don’t necessarily understand
how to determine whether a source is reliable. You can explain the
distinction among news, editorials, and advertising; between a peer-
reviewed study and anecdotal evidence; and between a national news
source and a personal blog.

Help them formulate a plan for tricky situations.

Over the years, my students have ranged from sheltered to precocious. One
might ask, “How will I know if it’s peer pressure?” Meanwhile, another
may wonder, “Is it safe to vape pot if I only do it a few times a week?”
They all like to anticipate situations. They’ve asked questions such as,
“How much alcohol is too much?” “If the police show up at a party, am I
better staying there or running away?” They admit to very little
experimentation, but they’ll readily share stories of middle schoolers at
neighboring schools who’ve been suspended for everything from bringing a
knife to school to having sex in a stairwell. They’re not always sure where
the truth ends and urban legend begins.
Come up with hypothetical scenarios. Ask, “What can you do if you feel
pressured to do something you don’t want to do?” My students have
brainstormed set phrases, including, “That stuff makes me sick”; “I’m not
into that, thanks”; and, “My parents would kill me if they found out.” It’s
not always intuitive to say “no.” Remind your child that they’re in charge of
their body and no one can make them drink or do drugs. Point out that they
should surround themselves with friends whose judgment they trust. Help
them formulate a plan for getting out of sticky situations. “Code Word” is
now part of popular culture, but Ginsburg originated the term. Come up
with a word, such as “reboot,” that only you and your child know. Then,
when they need you to extricate them from a bad situation, they can call or
text you the code word. Make sure they know you’ll rescue them with no
questions asked.
Debrief with your child after an incident. When my two older kids were
in middle school, I let them use a ride share service together a few times.
Once, a man tried to pick them up in a battered car with no license plate.
When my kids told the driver they felt uneasy about getting in, he screamed
at them to take the ride. That night, my husband and I asked our kids why
they didn’t walk away immediately, and we reminded them to always trust
their instincts. They may never find themselves in that specific situation
again, but I suspect they’ll never forget how scary it felt to ignore their gut.
It’s normal for adolescents to seek fun and novelty, and they’re going to
be exposed to negative choices in middle school. To help your child resist
unhealthy pressures, make sure they have opportunities to stretch,
experiment, and even experience safe thrills. That might mean inviting a
classmate to a dance, trying out for a team, or auditioning for a play.

IDEA FOR EDUCATORS

PRESENT ETHICAL DILEMMAS DURING ADVISORY

If you have advisories, morning meetings, or

homeroom periods, use that time to walk kids through
ethical dilemmas. What would they do if they knew a
classmate had cheated on a test, or if they witnessed a
friend steal makeup at the drugstore? If they knew a
classmate had created a website to rank classmates
based on their appearance, would they tell anyone?
Why or why not? If a classmate confessed to them that
they’d been cutting themselves, but made them
promise not to tell anyone, what would they do? Once
my eighth graders get the hang of this exercise, I let
them take over. They pair up to write and present their
 own ethical dilemmas.

Instill healthy sleep and self-care habits.

Self-care leads to better decision-making, so be sure your kids are getting
enough sleep, exercise, and good nutrition. According to pediatric
emergency physician and senior medical director at PM Pediatrics Christina
Johns, children between ages ten and twelve need nine to twelve hours of
sleep, while thirteen-, fourteen-, and fifteen-year-olds need eight to ten
hours each night. Sleep-deprived kids may have trouble making decisions,
solving problems, getting along with others, paying attention, or controlling
their emotions. The National Institutes of Health has reported that sleep
deficiency is also tied to depression, suicide, and risk-taking behavior.
Social media use can contribute to the problem. Aside from wreaking
havoc on sleep schedules, middle-of-the-night texting or Instagramming
sets kids up for trouble. Bored, irritable kids are more likely to overshare or
post something hostile at 2 a.m. than at 5 p.m. You can tell your child they
have to “check in” their electronics at a specific time, or forbid them from
using them in their bedroom. You can test ideas, too. Brendan Boyle, a
partner at IDEO and founder of its Toy Lab, once put his son’s cell phone in
a sealed envelope. “He could keep it, but he just couldn’t open it for a set
amount of time,” he told me, adding that running experiments can be more
effective than setting tons of rules.
Middle schoolers need whatever support you can give, including help
setting boundaries with peers. When a friend texts them late at night to the
point of annoyance, for example, they might feel rude dropping out mid-
conversation. Explain that their friends’ needs don’t trump their own, and
encourage them to block anyone problematic. You can’t shield them
entirely, so be a mentor. Teach them the skills and habits they need to
maintain balance. If you sense that your child is using social media to self-
soothe, help them identify relaxation strategies. Some kids like to listen to
music, while others need to break a sweat. When they know how to regulate
their emotions, they’ll be less likely to act impulsively, whether or not
they’re sleep-deprived.
Given the developmental stage, it’s not surprising that your child won’t
always make well-considered decisions. Christina Johns has seen the many
ways things can go wrong. Whether kids drink too much or make a suicide
attempt after cheating at school, she’s identified patterns. More often than
not, she told me, one or both parents had a hunch that things weren’t headed
in the right direction. Maybe their son had become increasingly brash and
obstinate, or their daughter had become more withdrawn. Follow your
instincts. If you notice an increase in risk-taking behaviors, declining
attention to schoolwork, or changes in sleeping and eating patterns, reach
out to a trained mental health professional. (For more signs that it’s time to
seek help, see Chapter 17.)

Start from a place of trust, but expect mistakes.

Be consistent and make sure your child understands that trust and freedom
are earned, and that their actions have natural and logical consequences.
When you’re known for consistent follow-through, your child will ponder
decisions with a little more care. That said, there’s never a reason to treat
them like a lesser being. When I spoke to Michael Gordon, who worked as
a middle school principal for forty years, he kept returning to this theme. “If
an eighth grader goes to a party and is supposed to be home at 11 p.m., and
they come in at midnight without calling, the first thing you do is hug them
and say, ‘I’m glad you’re safe.’ Tell them you’re going to talk about why
they didn’t call in the morning, after they’ve had a chance to think about it.
That gives everyone a chance to calm down.”
The next morning, discuss what happened and come up with a
consequence together. Your child may settle on a harsher punishment than
you do. In this case, one outcome might be that they can’t go to the next
party because they’ve demonstrated that they’re unable to handle the
responsibility. When kids participate in rule-generation, they’re more likely
to cooperate. Sarah Rottenberg, associate director of the Integrated Product
Design program at the University of Pennsylvania, thinks they often have
better ideas, too. When she got her twin sons cell phones this year, the
family brainstormed rules together. “They came up with no using the
phones after school on weekdays, which was much stricter than we would
have been,” she told me.
 Recognize the power of your expectations. If your child feels trusted,
they won’t want to let you down. That doesn’t mean you should bury your
head in the sand. As you’ll discover in the next chapter, middle schoolers
have all kinds of reasons for bending the truth. But you get what you give,
whether it’s trust or respect. Nothing will bug your child more than being
falsely accused of misbehavior. If you have a good sense of how they’re
spending their time, and they’re generally staying out of trouble, give them
the benefit of the doubt.
Plus, research has shown that trust can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. In a
study published in Child Development, participants were asked to judge
how trustworthy kids’ faces appeared to be. The more trustworthy they
looked, the more their peers accepted them, and the more those children
behaved in a kind, trustworthy manner. In other words, social expectations
may lead kids to become more trustworthy. You can’t control how strangers
will perceive your child, but you can send a clear message about your own
high expectations.
That said, acknowledge that it isn’t always easy to make the “right” call.
If your child stands up for someone who’s getting bullied, they could
become the target. If they report someone cheating, they could get a
reputation as a snitch. Validate their concerns and acknowledge that they
have something to lose. Then try to shift their perspective. Point out when
they’re overly focused on the downside. In a study in Biological Psychiatry,
researchers found that anxious kids in particular may struggle with
decisions that carry the potential for loss or social risk. As you walk your
child through scenarios, emphasize the benefits of making smart, ethical
choices. If they take a wrong turn anyway, do a post-mortem. Ask, “What
did you learn? Are there any unexpected upsides to the situation?” Whether
they got in a fight because they spread a rumor or failed a quiz because they
were caught cheating, encourage introspection.

Talk about real and hypothetical events.

There are many real-world examples parents can use to underscore the
importance of thinking before acting. For example, at least ten admitted
Harvard students in the class of 2021 had their offers rescinded after they
exchanged racist and sexually offensive Facebook messages. In another
case, a teen boy in Rhode Island faced criminal charges related to a sexting
case that involved dozens of girls, including some whose photos ended up
on a Russian pornography website.
When you share scandalous news items, create a safe space where your
child can voice questions. Pose your own questions, too, such as, “Does this
surprise you? What do you think might have prompted them to make that
choice? What danger signs do you think they missed?” Emphasize that
some problems are best solved with adult help.

Give them a sense of purpose.

Michael Gordon knows that kids who engage in meaningful activities stay
out of trouble. He asked me whether I’d ever watched the dog behaviorist
Cesar Millan’s TV show Dog Whisperer, then explained how Millan turns
disobedient dogs into pack mules, dressing them in special harnesses fitted
with water bottle holders. The dogs have a purpose; they’re serving their
owner. As soon as the harness goes on, the dogs are transformed and begin
to behave.
Gordon decided to try something similar with a group of twelve students
who frequently got into trouble. He created a technology squad, giving
them responsibility for the school’s expensive computerized lighting and
sound systems. He bought them black outfits emblazoned with the words
“Tech Squad” and their names spelled out in glow-in-the-dark letters. The
kids had no preexisting technology skills, but they learned how to use the
boards and move giant mechanical curtains.
“At my last graduation at the middle school, the tech teacher called in
sick,” Gordon recalled. “I called the Tech Squad, and this tiny, eleven-year-
old sixth grader said, ‘Don’t worry about a thing, Mr. Gordon, we’ve got
your back.’” His mother later came to the school in tears and shared that
after years of hating school, he now ate, slept, and dreamed about it. None
of the kids were referred to the main office after they joined the squad.
Gordon told me, “Their chests got bigger and they became heroes among
the kids instead of the class clowns.” Find that one thing that gives your
child a sense of purpose, whether it’s singing, running, volunteering, peer
mentoring, or creative writing. Kids who feel competent are more resistant
to peer pressure.

Share your own missteps.

Parents tend to gloss over their personal and career missteps, but this isn’t
necessarily protective. You may prevent your child from making a similar
error. You also normalize imperfection and make it safe for them to seek
help. While it’s helpful to confess that you ran a stoplight or planned poorly
for a work deadline, it’s even more powerful to share a big blunder. Perhaps
you got caught shoplifting or plagiarized a paper in high school. If you
think your child has the maturity to handle the information—or they’ve
made a similar mistake—tell them what went wrong, what you learned, and
how you regrouped. Maybe you succumbed to peer pressure, felt insecure,
wanted instant gratification—or didn’t think at all.
The reverse is true when you withhold information. Your child knows
more than you think. Several years ago, a student told me that his father
was cheating on his mother. He said, “I heard him talking to another
woman, saying things.” He hinted to his father that he had concerns, but his
dad denied it. When the boy grew increasingly anxious and started to fail a
few classes, he gave me permission to contact home. I met with his father,
who decided to come clean. They talked openly about how poor decisions
have consequences, and how hard it can be to do the right thing. The boy
was still angry, but his father’s admission helped him shift his focus back to
school. He also resolved to approach his own future relationships
differently.

Talk about the pros and cons of technology.

I spoke to Sameer Hinduja, professor of criminology at Florida Atlantic
University and codirector of the school’s cyberbullying research center,
about kids’ invincibility complex. “If they send a nude, they think
everything is going to work out,” he told me, adding that kids don’t have
the life experience to know that bad decisions can follow them for years.
Underscore that your child’s public and private lives should match, and
that they should be civil and ethical in both contexts—not because some
secret could be exposed or dog them forever, but because there’s a right and
wrong way to behave. Parents get overwhelmed by all the different apps,
but this is about raising decent human beings.
Kids are wired to be impulsive and may need help slowing down. Many
of the mistakes they make are because they don’t pause before they post.
Hinduja encourages children to stop and ask themselves two questions:
“Could this be screenshotted and come back to bite me?” and “Can it be
forwarded?” When he speaks at schools, he shares stories of students
messing up, but he also talks about kids using technology for good, whether
they raise money for causes using Kickstarter or blog about an issue that
matters to them. Children want to hear uplifting stories, not just get mired in
negativity. Focus on the importance of leaving a positive digital footprint.
We live in a world of snap judgments, and employers and admissions
officers are looking at applicants’ online presence.

TOP TIPS FOR PARENTS

Remember that middle schoolers can’t think like adults and need
guidance.
Encourage healthy sleep habits (and other forms of self-care).
Teach peer negotiation strategies before they’re in difficult
situations, such as using a code word to contact you for help.
Encourage them to develop critical thinking through activities such
as joining a debate team or writing for their school paper.
Teach media literacy and make distinctions between good and bad
news sources.
Model flexibility in your own thinking when discussing current
events.
Remind them they don’t need to do anything or go anywhere that
makes them uncomfortable.
Expect mistakes, but maintain high expectations.
Get them involved in activities that instill a sense of purpose.
Share times that you succumbed to peer pressure, along with how
you regrouped.
Tell them to pause and consider possible repercussions before
posting anything online.

CONVERSATION STARTERS

“How do you know that’s a reliable source?”

“What do you think would be a reasonable consequence for
breaking that rule?”
“If you want us to rescue you from an uncomfortable situation,
what’s a code word you could use?”
“What would you tell a friend who keeps pressuring you to do
something you don’t want to do?”
CHAPTER 3

FOSTERING HONESTY

KEY SKILLS

2—Negotiate conflict
5—Consider others’ perspectives
7—Self-regulate emotions
9—Make responsible, healthy, and
ethical choices

“Why do my parents need to know everything about everything?”

“My parents get mad when I hang out with Joe because he cuts
class a lot, so I just say I’m with someone else.”
“If I say that someone is being mean to me, my mother calls their
mother. It’s better to say nothing.”

MY FRIEND JESS STOPPED IN HER TRACKS OUTSIDE HER DAUGHTER’S bedroom

door. Anna was on the phone telling her eighth-grade classmate Julia that
she had spent the day with her boyfriend. Jess knew that Anna had been
with her, sorting through outgrown clothes and watching reruns of Modern
Family.
As she listened, she learned that Anna’s “boyfriend,” Evan, was a soccer
goalie, attended private school in Atlanta, and was in town for a family
wedding. Jess called me hoping that I could reassure her that Anna wasn’t a
pathological liar. “She’s so convincing,” Jess told me. “The details are
really specific.” She had no idea what to do next, and she felt that she had
failed as a parent.
I suggested that Jess state what she had accidentally overheard without
passing judgment. She’d get more traction if she approached Anna with an
attitude of curiosity and listened for the underlying motivation. As soon as
she shamed or embarrassed her, the conversation would shut down. If Anna
admitted she really wanted a boyfriend, Jess could say, “That makes sense
to me. If all my friends had boyfriends, I’d probably want one too.” Once
Anna felt heard, she’d be more open to a broader discussion about
behavioral expectations and the value of honesty.
After Jess and I talked, she calmly told Anna that she heard her mention
a boyfriend. “I just wanted to check in. Everything okay?” she asked. Anna
shared with her mother that Julia had been taunting her about spending
Saturday nights with her parents. She hadn’t wanted to subject herself to
more humiliation by admitting the truth.
After Anna opened up, she admitted that she hated working so hard to
keep one person off her back. Jess was sympathetic and said, “I’m sure it’s
been hard to keep all the details of your story straight, too.” As the
conversation continued, Jess emphasized that while she understood Anna’s
feelings, she did expect honesty at all times. The following week, Anna
simultaneously “broke up” with her imaginary boyfriend and pulled away
from Julia. She told her mother that no friendship was worth feeling like a
liar.
As kids go through elementary school and transition to sixth grade, their
reasons for lying change. In early elementary school, children don’t make a
big distinction between truth and fiction. They’re simply sharing a story.
The “lie” is either a manifestation of their creativity or a vehicle for wishful
thinking. If your six-year-old says she can’t eat breakfast because she’s
playing with her imaginary friend, she’s not trying to deceive you. My
coworker Melanie Auerbach, the director of Student Support at Sheridan
School, joked with me that her seven-year-old daughter “has been on the
lying shtick since she was three.” Last year, she told a physical education
(PE) teacher that her mother was pregnant. In kindergarten, she told the
front office staff that her grandmother had died. When condolences started
rolling in, Auerbach felt a jolt of confusion and panic.
To lie, children must be able to sell a false reality and then recall the
details of their lie. As Ashley Merryman, coauthor of NurtureShock: New
Thinking About Children, told me, “It’s a really big day when children
realize they can get away with it, and it changes their self-image.”
By middle school, children are attuned to the subtle nuances of
deception. I spoke to Mary Alice Silverman, a clinical psychologist in
Washington, DC, who often has to talk parents off the ledge. “It really
pushes parents’ buttons when children lie,” she said. Address your own
anxiety first so you’re able to rationally determine the reasons behind your
child’s dishonesty.
In contrast to very young children, middle schoolers have more-
complicated reasons for lying. One of my former students told her father
she’d enrolled in a cooking class to avoid revealing the truth—that she was
attending Gay Straight Alliance (GSA) meetings. The lie was protective—
she feared her homophobic father would punish her if he knew the truth.
When the parents of an eighth-grade boy discovered porn links in his
browser history, he vehemently denied that he had visited the sites. He
eventually admitted he’d lied because the truth was embarrassing and he
worried he’d lose his phone privileges.
Parents often ask me how to handle their child’s lies. What should they
do if their son claims his homework is completed when he hasn’t even
turned on his computer? How should they respond when their daughter
falsely denies cutting math class or sending derogatory texts to a friend?
Lies can range from small fibs to whoppers. Kids may say they brushed
their teeth when they didn’t. They may claim it’s too late to hand in an
assignment when the deadline hasn’t passed. They may download a
prohibited app in the morning, only to delete it each afternoon when they go
home. Parents may discover outlawed candy hidden under their child’s bed
or a cigarette butt in the toilet. (The father of that child carried the
additional worry that his son was “a dumb criminal.”)
Sometimes, the lies are higher stakes and involve academic dishonesty
or theft. A seventh-grade boy denied taking his friend’s new set of
mechanical pencils, then openly used them in class. A sixth-grade girl
plagiarized an essay from a website when she panicked about meeting the
deadline. An eighth-grade boy denied cheating even after his teacher caught
him looking at notes scribbled on his arm. In our increasingly tech-focused
world, the methods kids use to cheat aren’t always easy to spot. According
to a survey by McAfee, a computer security firm, 29 percent of students
admit to using tech devices to cheat in school. This finding mirrors a
Common Sense Media survey, in which researchers found that 35 percent
of teens with cell phones admitted to cheating with them at least once. Half
of those polled admitted to cheating using the Internet, while 38 percent had
copied text from websites and turned it in as their own work. Perhaps most
startlingly, many kids didn’t consider this cheating at all. Meanwhile, only 3
percent of parents said they thought their own child had used their cell
phone to cheat.
Elementary school students are most likely to cheat to win a competitive
game, but middle schoolers cheat in response to heightened academic
pressure. An Educational Testing Service survey showed that 90 percent of
twelve- to fourteen-year-olds reported cheating on exams and copying
homework. Regardless of the statistics, don’t accept the excuse that
everyone cheats. Reinforce that you’re focused on them and that you’re far
more interested in what they learn than the grade they earn.
Everyone twists the truth at times to protect someone’s feelings or to get
out of an awkward social situation. “We would kill each other if we were
honest all the time,” Pamela Meyer, the author of Liespotting, told me.
When your child’s friend asks them what they did last night, it’s okay for
them to say, “Not much. I was at the mall.” There’s no need to say they
were hanging out with a huge group of kids who didn’t want to include their
friend.
Meyer makes a distinction between offensive and defensive lies.
Offensive lies are used to create a positive impression, control information,
or obtain a reward that’s otherwise not easily obtainable. Your child might
cheat on a test, gossip to increase their popularity, or steal candy from the
drugstore. Kids lie defensively to avoid punishment, preserve personal
dignity, protect themselves from harm, maintain privacy, or keep a secret.
They may say, “I never saw your text,” or, “I left your birthday gift at
home.” Lying is not always a clear-cut matter of right and wrong, and you
need to convey that complexity if you want to promote a culture of honesty.
Here are several strategies to help you foster honest communication and
address the root cause of your child’s lies.
Help them take the long view.
Stay calm and nonreactive. “The best research about lying shows that it’s
not about the lying, it’s how you respond to the truth,” Merryman told me.
Children will pull away or omit more information if they sense that telling
the truth will invite drama or disappoint their parents. “Kids are testing you.
If you freak out because they didn’t do well on their quiz, you’re never
going to know why there’s a dent in a car,” she said. Be curious and ask
questions. “Why did you lie? What was going through your mind at the
time?”
Keep in mind that what appears to be a lie may not be deception at all.
Your child may legitimately believe that he handed in his homework, but
lost it somewhere along the way. It may be crumpled on the bottom of his
backpack next to that permission slip he also thought he handed in. (Don’t
be surprised to find dirty gym clothes in that backpack, too!) By staying
inquisitive, you’ll increase the likelihood of tackling the right problem.
Don’t be too hard on yourself, either. The lying isn’t evidence that you’re a
bad parent or that your child is a bad person.
Lying is often about short-term gratification, and you need to help your
child understand how it hampers their longer-term goals. Maybe they want
you to stop bugging them about their schoolwork, or to give them a later
curfew, or to stop monitoring their texts. You can underscore that trust is the
key to increased independence and privacy. For example, the parents of the
child who lied about viewing porn suddenly started monitoring his texts
more—an unwanted but logical consequence of breaching their trust. The
mother of the boy who cheated asked his teachers to position him directly in
front of them during tests—another logical, if humiliating, consequence for
a fourteen-year-old.
Teens live their lives in front of an invisible audience and are
hypersensitive to judgment and rejection, and you can use that to your
advantage. Point out that if their friends catch on to their lie, the situation
will become ten times worse. Talk about the idea of permanence, especially
if your child lies using technology. Cori, an eighth grader, attended a party
where kids were drinking beer, and a few of his friends were caught red-
handed by the adults supervising the teens. Cori thought he’d escaped
detection, and his parents believed him when he swore that he hadn’t been
drinking. But then they scrolled through his social media feed and came
across a photograph of him holding a beer can. Cori didn’t remember
anyone taking his picture, but his parents told him that was the point.
Anything he did could be beamed out to the world forever.

Consider the root cause.

I’ve explained that tweens and teens lie for a number of reasons—to avoid
judgment, get attention, protect someone, experience a thrill, or cope with
frustration or fear—but the vast majority are lies of omission. As Merryman
told me, “A child may ask if he can go to Sue’s house to study, but then not
mention that there will be 100 other people there partying.” If your child is
lying repetitively about a specific issue, dig deeper. They may be trying to
escape academic or family stress, or looking for a way to cope with
insecurity about their social status. In the case of the party, your child might
have been intrigued by a more precocious group of kids, or they might have
known that the boy or girl they liked would be there. Ask, “Who was at the
party? What did you fear would happen if you told me the truth?”
If they’re skipping class, zero in on any kids who join them, and inquire
about the content of the class they’re missing. Ask, “Is there something
about this course or this teacher that’s making you check out?” Similarly, if
they’re cheating, try to figure out the source of their insecurity. You might
say, “Why did you feel you couldn’t handle this on your own? Could you
have prepared differently?”
Teachers know that some parents can’t imagine their child is capable of
plagiarism or cheating. Others will readily accept the information, but feel
intense embarrassment or rage. Many educators dread calling home to share
that a student has been dishonest. Try to be open to that call, and recognize
that every middle schooler is going to lie at one point or another. As
Sheridan’s middle school principal, Jay Briar, told me, “I cross my fingers
and hope I’m dialing that super-realistic mom or dad who will understand
that this is a teachable moment, not a catastrophe.” Life lessons don’t have
to be life sentences.
 IDEA FOR EDUCATORS
TEACH PARENTS ABOUT THE DEVELOPMENTAL PHASE
At Back to School Night, address lying, plagiarizing,
and cheating directly. Warn parents that they may get a
call at some point during the middle school years
informing them that their child has made a mistake.
Ask them to view the situation as a teachable moment
and an opportunity to partner with the school, not
evidence that their child lacks character or that they’re
bad parents.

Insecurity can be a big driver for lying in general, particularly if there’s

a big gap between who your child is and who they want to be. If your child
is on social media at 3 a.m. every night, ask them who they’re talking to
and why they have such a hard time logging off. You might discover they
don’t want to blow it with an exciting new peer group, or that they need
help disengaging, or that they’re depressed and are drawn to other impaired
kids online.
For kids who have a tough time with self-acceptance, lying can be a
form of wishful thinking. They may want to feel like a star student, top
swimmer, or social success, so they spin a story. In these cases, respond
constructively. If your daughter falsely claims that she’s auditioning for a
movie, don’t cut her down to size by overemphasizing the lie or questioning
her acting chops. Instead, enroll her in a drama class.
Other kids may lie because they can’t handle delayed gratification and
lack impulse control. While this is common for many teens, it may be more
prevalent in kids with attentional issues. If your child is lying compulsively
or putting themselves at risk, consult a mental health professional. Until you
start inquiring, you won’t know what’s going on. And if you simply address
the lying, you won’t be able to mount an effective response. Once you’ve
gathered information, you’ll have a sense of whether you need to talk to the
school about a possible learning issue, take a closer look at their friends,
consider professional help, or enroll them in activities that will boost their
confidence.

Model honesty and provide a runway.

Whenever you can demonstrate that you’re doing something honest, say it
out loud. Share when you’re tempted to take a shortcut, such as sneaking
into a long line or disobeying a traffic rule when you’re late. When you do
make a mistake, tell your child what you should have done differently.
Children take note when you lie, go back on your word, or punish them
after promising not to penalize them for telling the truth. If you find
yourself telling a white lie in front of your child, explain why. You can say,
“I know I just lied, but I couldn’t deal with talking to that telemarketer right
now.”
Encourage honest dialogue by acknowledging that it can be difficult to
tell the truth. Give your kid a way out to tell you what’s really going on so
you’re not just throwing it in their face, judging, or embarrassing them.
Kids often feel better unburdening themselves, but choose the right time
and place for the discussion. Talk to them alone, when siblings aren’t in the
vicinity and there are few distractions. You want them to feel comfortable
saying, “I wish I hadn’t said that—it was a total lie.” To encourage her own
fifth-grade daughter to own up to mistakes, Meyer told me she’s verbal
about when she screws up, feels embarrassed, or wishes she’d done
something differently. When your child steps up, praise them for taking
responsibility.
If you think your child will be tempted to lie, don’t pose questions you
can verify on your own. For example, avoid asking, “Did you turn in your
homework?” Instead, say, “Let’s look to see if your homework was checked
in online.” If honesty is a chronic issue, check in directly with teachers to
monitor work completion. Sheryl, whose daughter Melly is in seventh
grade, tries hard not to set her daughter up to lie. “It’s exhausting trying to
sort truth from fiction with her,” she told me. “We have a rule that she has
to put her phone ‘to bed’ in our electronics basket by 8:00 p.m., and she’ll
say it’s there when it’s obvious that it’s not. Then she’ll try to sneak it in
when my back is turned.”
Sheryl doesn’t want to reinforce Melly’s behavior, spur her to go to even
greater lengths to spin tales, or add to her own aggravation, so she’s stopped
trusting her to provide accurate information. “I just tell her to do things
instead of asking about them, and I focus on verifiable facts. I’ll be matter-
of-fact and say, ‘Your teacher posted that it’s due tomorrow, and she didn’t
mention any extensions, so you’ll have to finish it tonight,’” she explained.
When her daughter cheated on a test and earned a zero, Sheryl insisted she
go back and learn the material. She doesn’t want her to view cheating as an
easy way out.
I spoke to Rick Wormeli, an education consultant and the author of Fair
Isn’t Always Equal, who suggests that when kids cheat or plagiarize, they
should be made to write letters of apology to the class or teacher and their
families. They also can do service to the school as a form of restitution, and
they should repeat the whole learning and assessment process. Once kids
rebuild trust, however, they should be able to put the cheating behind them.
Remember, their brain isn’t fully developed until about age twenty-five, and
the prefrontal cortex is the part that’s responsible for planning and
inhibiting impulses. Reinforce that while you don’t expect perfection, you
do expect honesty.

Focus on values.
Move beyond simply telling kids about the personal consequences of lying.
Underscore how lying impacts others around them. In the 2012 Josephson
Report Card on the Ethics of American Youth, 57 percent of teens stated
that successful people do what they have to do to win, even if it involves
cheating. This thinking has a ripple effect and undermines the social
contract we have with one another. We tell kids not to cheat because it can
lead to negative consequences in their own life, but it also impacts other
students. It changes the curve, gives false status, changes what’s taught, and
undermines the whole culture of fairness in the classroom. Explain to your
child that lies strain relationships and hurt others. Watch the news together
and point out that the truth has a way of coming out.
Your child may be more likely to lie if they think the odds are unfairly
stacked against them. One student told me she cheated because “everyone
else was cheating.” She felt that she had no other option or she’d fall
behind. I once observed a seventh grader make questionable line calls
during a tennis match. As I watched, I realized her competitor was doing
the same thing. Middle school kids may have a finely tuned sense of
fairness, but that doesn’t always translate into doing the right thing. You can
capitalize on their quest for equity. If you’re trying to create a culture of
honesty at home, give all siblings the same rules and punishments, and
make sure you’re viewed as impartial.

Don’t be afraid to have it out.

The opposite of lying is arguing, Merryman explains, and it can be a
positive sign that your child respects you. When they’re debating an issue,
they’re sharing details of their life and trying to understand your point of
view. It may seem counterintuitive, but they consider it a productive
exchange. “Arguing is communicative, and kids appreciate knowing what
mysterious thing is going on in your head. Respect that they’re putting
something on the line and actually listen to them,” she said.
Teens are much less likely to lie and rebel if they think you’ve been fair
and care about their perspective. That means leaving room for negotiation
and considering whether you’re being unreasonable. Rules need to be
modified as your children mature. It doesn’t weaken your authority to make
an exception if your child presents a coherent and rational argument.
Don’t hesitate to address a lie. When your child claims to have forgotten
to do a chore, you can say, “It would make me really happy if you’d just say
you don’t want to empty the dishwasher.” You can then deal with the
shirked responsibility and explain that everyone in the family has to do their
part. Merryman tells parents to be clear about whether they’re punishing the
transgression or the cover-up, and to specifically address both wrongs.
“Don’t make them guess why you’re angry, and don’t collapse them into
one thing.”
Punishments should be logical, consistent, and fair. If your child lies
about using their phone at midnight, the consequence might be loss of
phone privileges. If they lie about where they are, the consequence might be
increased monitoring, and you can explain that it’s safety-related. My friend
Rona takes that approach with her fourteen-year-old daughter, who often
lies about her social plans. Whenever she attends a party, Rona calls the
host’s parents to make sure there’s supervision. As Merryman said, “When
it comes to safety, most teens think mom has a right to information, but if
they have a crush on a guy, mom doesn’t need to know the details.” You can
keep your child safe while still respecting their need for privacy.

TOP TIPS FOR PARENTS

Be nonreactive, calm, curious, and nonjudgmental. Otherwise, your

child may lie to avoid drama.
Try to discover the root cause of the lie so you can address it
effectively.
Don’t try to “catch” them in a lie. Give them a runway to tell the truth
instead.
To decrease the likelihood of cheating, tell your child you value what
they learn more than the grades they earn.
Tell them you expect honesty, but know they’ll make mistakes.
Remind them that life lessons don’t have to be life sentences.
Don’t let them off the hook, but treat the transgression and the lie as
separate issues. Use natural and logical consequences.
Be authentic and share when you’re resisting the temptation to lie.
Help them understand that the truth has a way of coming out.

CONVERSATION STARTERS

“I’d like to understand your perspective. Why did you feel

uncomfortable telling me the truth?”
“Tell me about the class where you were caught cheating. Is it
difficult for you? Were you unprepared? Did you feel uncomfortable
approaching the teacher for help?”
“What do you think you’d do differently if you found yourself in this
situation again?”
CHAPTER 4

ENCOURAGING KINDNESS AND EMPATHY

KEY SKILLS

1—Make good friend choices

2—Negotiate conflict
5—Consider others’ perspectives
7—Self-regulate emotions
9—Make responsible, healthy, and
ethical choices

“I try to avoid Mira. No matter what I say, she twists it and

someone gets mad at me.”
“When we play dodgeball, Sam throws the ball at my face. He
thinks it’s funny.”
“I hate talking in class because Joe and Max pretend to stutter
like me.”

SEVERAL KIDS HAD BEEN TARGETING BETH FOR WEEKS. BETH was sweet,
absentminded, easygoing, and resigned to being mistreated. Some of her
fellow eighth-grade students were using social media to call her fat and
stupid, and they’d drop dirty tissues on her head as they passed her desk. As
her school counselor, I wanted to help, but Beth would never call out the
bullies. She worried she’d make the situation worse, and she insisted she
was fine.
Beth’s classmate Jenna, however, was so disturbed by the mean behavior
that she brought me a handwritten list of the perpetrators and pleaded with
me to make them stop. Jenna—a confident, popular student—barely knew
Beth, but she couldn’t stand the cruelty. Her discomfort was the one
positive in a bad situation. The Jennas are rare; I can’t recall another recent
situation when a student so vehemently refused to be a bystander. I knew
that it would be difficult to change the kids’ behavior, and that quick
solutions, such as detentions and phone calls home, would only give Beth a
short-term reprieve.
In the end, Beth still didn’t want me to get involved, but she gave Jenna
permission to confront the kids who were bothering her. Beth’s instinct to
resist adult intervention had been on the mark. Jenna’s forceful and self-
assured approach stopped the tormentors. Beth felt enormously comforted
by having a supportive ally. She also shared that Jenna’s rare and generous
move had empowered her and made her more likely to stand up for herself
and others in the future. Jenna felt good about her role, too. It was satisfying
to know that she could right an injustice, and it reinforced her self-image as
someone strong enough to do the right thing.
Fostering kindness and empathy in kids goes much deeper than making
sure everyone has someone to sit with at lunch. There’s so much evidence
that kind kids lead richer lives; they tend to be happier, better-liked,
mentally healthier, and more accomplished. In Greater Good Magazine,
psychologist Sonya Lyubomirsky reflected on her research. She’s
discovered that students who do five acts of kindness in one day experience
a boost in happiness. “I believe that when you’re kind and generous to
others, you start to see yourself as a generous person, so it’s good for your
self-perception,” she explained.
In a longitudinal experiment in Vancouver, researchers found that
students who performed three purposeful kind acts a week were
significantly more popular. A study from Duke University and Penn State
found that kindergarteners who shared and helped others were more likely
to graduate from high school and have full-time jobs. And a study
commissioned by Lady Gaga’s Born This Way Foundation found that
young people who describe their environments as kind are more likely to be
mentally healthy.
On the other hand, when empathy goes down, narcissism, bullying, peer
cruelty, racism, hate, violence, and mental health needs go up. I spoke to
educator Michele Borba, author of UnSelfie, about why parents need to
prioritize compassion. “Thirty-six percent of our girls are suffering by age
seventeen from some kind of depression element,” she said. “We’re raising
them from the outside in, focusing on their dress size, when we should be
working from the inside out.”
Kids are born hard-wired for empathy, but some need help activating it,
or they may need the occasional reminder. Psychotherapist Katie Hurley,
the author of No More Mean Girls, worked with a fourteen-year-old girl and
her eleven-year-old sister. By eighth grade, the older sister had been
through her share of social struggles and knew how to be an upstander
when others were unkind. But when the younger sister entered sixth grade
and couldn’t find a peer group, her older sister wasn’t sympathetic. “She
had to revisit empathy and remember how it felt when you didn’t know who
to eat lunch with, or when someone criticized something you wore,” Hurley
told me.
No one sets out to raise an unkind child. But as middle schoolers try on
different identities and establish their place in the social pecking order,
they’re going to test limits, push boundaries, and occasionally horrify their
parents. They care deeply about peer approval, but they also care what you
think. You still have the power to instill integrity, kindness, and empathy.

Don’t ignore it when your child is being mean.

One of the worst parts of my job is telling parents that their kid is being
mean, but it’s worse to ignore it. My goal isn’t to shame parents, it’s to help
their child, and I focus on changing specific behaviors, not fixing character
deficits. It’s hard for parents to hear that their kid isn’t behaving kindly.
They may ask me what they can do with the information. One solution is to
partner with the school. Tell your child that their principal, teachers, and
counselor will be working with you, acting as your eyes and ears on the
ground. Let them know that if the school does call you with concerns,
you’ll take it seriously and hold them accountable.
 When you get a report from the school, initiate a conversation with your
child. Ask them why they chose to act that way, listening carefully for their
motivation. Then ask, “How would you feel if someone treated you that
way? How do you think that other child felt? How do you think the adults
and other students perceived your behavior? Do you think you were your
best self? How could you make amends?” Kids this age need to be taught
that a solid apology includes admitting what they did wrong, whether they
overreacted, spilled a secret, or made a false accusation. They should
reference the behavior without making justifications, then express remorse
and share what they plan to do differently going forward. Psychologist
Adam Grant has written that it’s much more powerful to say, “I’m sorry
for” than “I’m sorry if.” (We’ll explore this idea more in the chapters on
bullying and gossip.)
This stuff matters, and parents help set the tone. If you know your child
is being mean, try to identify and address any underlying insecurities. You
also can try to get a handle on peer group dynamics. Anyone who has spent
time in a toxic environment knows that behaviors such as gossip, jockeying
for power, and negativity spread rapidly. Being in a mean climate can alter
individual behavior. In one study, Harvard University researchers found that
emotional states can be transferred directly from one individual to another
through mimicry. Fortunately, that means that happiness also can spread
through a social network.
If the issue is more with the social environment than individual
behavior, the community needs to come together as a whole to address it.
To establish positive social norms, everyone needs to understand and target
systemic problems, such as anxiety or powerlessness. In the school setting,
educators and other staff members can identify “kindness catalysts,”
students who can model positive behavior and take on roles such as lunch
buddies or new student welcome ambassadors.
Coaches can play a role, too, making sure that no one displays cruelty on
the field. Consistency is important. A middle school football coach told me
about a time an opposing team’s players taunted one of his black players.
Every time they piled on top of him, they called him “boy.” The coach
quickly intervened, but he got no support from the other team’s coaches,
and there were no repercussions for anyone. At a different middle school,
soccer players yelled “Taco Bell” at one of the opposing team’s students as
he scored a goal. They thought the child was Latino, but he actually was
Lebanese, which added an extra layer to the players’ insensitivity. In this
case, every adult in attendance was on top of the situation and took it
seriously.

Remember that apples don’t fall far from trees.

Model compassion by treating friends, acquaintances, and colleagues with
kindness. When you expend energy on caring, reciprocal relationships, you
teach your child to prioritize friendship and positivity over popularity.
Children hovering at the periphery of “alpha” groups often struggle the
most. Constant maneuvering for position in the social hierarchy can lead to
insecurity, envy, anxiety, or competitiveness, all of which promote
meanness. Children with sensitive adult role models and gentle friends tend
to behave similarly.
Be intentional with your messaging, or your child might make
inaccurate assumptions about your values. When the Making Caring
Common project at Harvard’s Graduate School of Education surveyed
10,000 middle and high school students and asked them what mattered to
them, “achieving at a high level, happiness, or caring for others,” only 20
percent said that caring for others was their top priority. Eighty percent of
the students said their parents “are more concerned about achievement or
happiness than caring for others.”
Still, be authentic or you’ll damage your credibility with your child.
Kindness doesn’t require liking or speaking positively about everyone all of
the time. Validate your child’s feelings when they accurately point out that
someone has been mean-spirited. Take the opportunity to talk about why a
specific action was mean, and remind them that it’s possible to make bad
choices but still be a good person.
You don’t need to pretend that your child has to be friends with
everyone, but you can teach them to be respectful and polite and to avoid
burning bridges. Friendships often cycle in and out as kids change and
mature. Promote this social growth by praising them when they’re
considerate or altruistic, even as they outgrow some friendships and move
on to others. Make it a habit to share when you’ve done something nice or
when someone has been kind to you. Talk about examples of meanness, too.
Express how those actions made you feel, and ask them how they think the
other person may have felt. They may be surprised to realize that it feels
pretty bad to hurt someone else.
That’s what happened with Tim. Karl came to me to complain that every
time he chose the desk next to Tim, Tim would physically recoil. He’d
move his desk as far away from Karl as possible. Karl was socially
awkward, but he was perceptive. He knew that Tim didn’t want to be
associated with him. I told Karl that he had every right to feel rejected, and
that we’d make sure it didn’t happen again. When I spoke to Tim, he
admitted that even physical proximity felt risky. Tim had spent sixth grade
feeling lonely and isolated, but he’d made some friends and felt like he had
to protect his reputation. He viewed Karl as a social liability. With Tim’s
permission, we called his mother together. She reminded him how he had
felt when he was in Karl’s shoes. Tim was embarrassed. He said he’d
behaved instinctively and never meant to hurt Karl. He also apologized to
him. The teacher assigned seating to prevent future problems, but Tim made
a point of publicly acknowledging Karl whenever their paths crossed.
In middle school, kids may intellectually know how to behave, but fail
in the execution. I recently spoke to a friend, Jill, who was feeling left out at
work. Her colleagues would go out to lunch together, but they wouldn’t
invite her. They never insulted her, but they acted like she didn’t exist, and
Jill felt like she was back in middle school. Jill knew that her daughter Orly
wasn’t welcoming to outsiders who wanted to join her clique, and she used
the experience to build her empathy. She talked to Orly about how she felt
at work, and they dissected why the other women might be so standoffish.
Thirteen-year-old Orly ended up giving her mother advice. “Either invite
yourself or find some other friends to eat with,” she told her. “I don’t think
they’ll tell you to your face not to come, and maybe they’ll realize they’re
being rude.” For the next several weeks, Orly checked in with her mother
about her lunch situation. She also started to share examples of exclusion
she observed at school, and she developed a heightened sensitivity to kids
who seemed lonely. Jill recalls being surprised by Orly’s insight. Despite
her history of excluding classmates, she clearly had the capacity to be
thoughtful and compassionate.
Use these teachable moments to help your child rationally consider the
consequences of their harmful actions. Dacher Keltner, a psychology
professor at the University of California at Berkeley, notes that simply
telling your child what is right or wrong—or reacting with strong emotions
or physical punishment—produces people who are less likely to want to
alleviate others’ pain. You can’t make a kid be kind by shaming them or
screaming at them.
Consider the difference between authoritarian and authoritative
parenting. The authoritarian parent expects their child to display “no-
questions-asked” obedience to authority, whereas an authoritative parent
will explain rather than go straight to punishment. Authoritative parents use
positive discipline, inviting their child to explain why they did what they
did rather than trying to bend their will. A study published in the journal
Child Development found that this parenting style builds empathy. So coach
your child. If they’re mean, explain why their behavior is unacceptable.
Factor in their point of view, but tell them you know they can do better.
Don’t browbeat them until they cry. Their behavior might improve, but they
probably won’t internalize your values.

Help them view a situation from multiple angles.

Help your child understand the subtle differences among emotions such as
disappointed, frustrated, sad, and worried. Some middle schoolers are social
chameleons and astute observers who can read cues and adapt to any
audience, but most are still working on understanding themselves, let alone
others. They may overshare, then feel rejected when more-reserved friends
don’t respond in kind. They may take a scowl personally when someone is
simply hungry. Help them analyze issues from various perspectives, and
encourage them to write down their emotional reactions to interpersonal
experiences. As they begin to understand that feelings are complex and
layered, they’ll become more self-aware and perceptive.
I view this approach as a home version of Denmark’s “Klassen Time,”
which translates to “The Class’s Hour,” a core part of that country’s school
curriculum. In The Class’s Hour, teachers facilitate weekly problem-solving
sessions to foster empathy. Students bring in a traditional cake and spend an
hour listening carefully to one another and collaborating to solve sensitive
problems, such as a conflict between friends or something a student is
dealing with at home.
Your family could approximate this experience by holding a weekly
family meeting. Talk about anything from chore division to sibling issues.
At school, teachers could set aside time for the same purpose, tackling
whatever issues arise. At Sheridan, I do this with my seventh graders during
designated morning meetings. They choose the topic based on active
concerns, come up with three guiding questions in advance (which they
clear with me), and then lead the discussion. They might bring up that kids
are riffling through one another’s backpacks without permission, or that
students are pressuring one another to reveal their grades.
Teaching kids to be introspective and considerate is critical. A
University of Michigan study found that college students today are about 40
percent less empathetic than college students of the 1980s and 1990s. To
boost your child’s compassion, try sending them to fictional universes. As
they read and become invested in characters’ plights, they learn to put
themselves in other people’s shoes. In a study published in the Journal of
Applied Social Psychology, researchers found that children and adolescents
who read the Harry Potter stories developed a more positive attitude toward
immigrants, refugees, gay people, and individuals from disadvantaged
backgrounds. (We’ll discuss embracing differences in the next chapter, too.)

IDEA FOR EDUCATORS

TRY THE “SHADOW A STUDENT” CHALLENGE

If we expect students to be empathetic and able to

consider others’ perspectives, educators need to be
able to model that behavior. To boost empathy among
staff members, try the “Shadow a Student” exercise.
When we did this at Sheridan’s middle school, we all
spent a full day observing a student we didn’t know
very well. We interviewed them about what they did
and didn’t like about school and logged detailed notes
throughout the day. Our goal was to gather information
about the student we shadowed, as well as the overall
 school experience. It was eye-opening. For example,
eighth-grade teacher Eileen Hughes was surprised to
discover that a student who was convinced that
everyone hated him was clearly well-liked.

Address any jealousy.

In middle school in particular, the disparities among students socially,
physically, cognitively, and emotionally can breed jealousy. Britt Rathbone,
an adolescent social worker, told me how this idea can play into kids’
interactions. “Developmentally, they’re so focused on peer approval, and
the separation from home means they have to find another group to model
values,” he said. “Every one of these kids is insecure. I ran a group
counseling session the other night where one of the kid’s goals is to express
vulnerability and let people get to know him. Another kid in the group said,
‘Tell us something about you that you don’t like.’ He said, ‘I really hate my
body.’ This is a fit kid. It just made me realize the level of self-criticism that
80 percent of adolescents are walking around with, and they’re comparing
themselves to others who have their own insecurities.”
I spoke to consultant Jon Gordon, the author of The Power of a Positive
Team, about how parents can help a child who has a sense of lacking.
“Share the truth,” he advised. “Tell them there are always going to be
smarter, better looking, and more talented people, so they need to focus on
what they can control and let go of the rest.” He holds regular meetings
with his family so everyone can express gratitude for the positives in their
lives. Research shows that focusing on gratitude helps kids “want what they
have” instead of fixating on what’s missing.
You also can share examples from your own life that illustrate that not
everything has to be a competition. Are there specific times when you
helped someone else, or when someone you considered a competitor gave
you an assist? To remove the shame, share your own moments of jealousy.
Claire Shipman, the author of The Confidence Code for Girls, will say to
her daughter, “There was this woman who made me feel a little jealous
because she had so much energy, but this is how I got through it, and her
life doesn’t have any bearing on mine.” My friend Alicia shared with her
son that she struggled with jealousy in middle school. “If I didn’t want my
friend to have a boyfriend, I’d try to make him look bad so she’d lose
interest, or I’d make her feel insecure about herself,” she told me. “I’d say,
‘Are you sure you’re pretty or popular enough to go out with him?’”
When kids act mean-spirited, they may not realize that jealousy is
driving their behavior. Help them identify the feeling, then work on their
sense of self. I Skyped with Lea Waters, a psychology professor at the
University of Melbourne and author of The Strength Switch, who told me
that children go from “something is missing” to “I am enough” when you
point out their positive traits, whether it’s their knack for putting others at
ease, their sense of adventure, or their ability to stay cool under pressure.
Avoid comparing your child to anyone else, and encourage them to focus on
achieving their personal best. Help them get in the habit of elevating others,
even if that means acting “as if” until the behavior becomes ingrained. Over
time, they’ll discover how much better it feels to build someone up than to
tear them down.
You can even come up with a funny name for the jealousy to help your
child understand that it’s not who they are; it’s simply an uncomfortable but
fleeting emotion. Waters coaches parents to say, “Oh look, Jane the
Jealousy is back, but I’ve got my own strengths and can let her pass.” She
explained that the persona acts as a circuit-breaker in that micro-moment
when a child is most likely to do something that could hurt their reputation
or a friendship.
There’s no point in trying to vanquish the emotion altogether.
Psychologist Lisa Damour, author of Untangled, told me that scrubbing
away dark feelings actually endows them with more power. You may not be
able to legislate feelings, but you can draw a hard line around behavior,
starting with siblings. Damour recommends saying, “I’m sure your sister
makes you crazy, and you may think and feel that, but you can’t hurt her.”
Prompt your child to look inward and ask, “What is the feeling telling me?
How can I deal with it in a healthy way?” They may find it helps to confess
their jealousy. Rachel Simmons, author of Enough As She Is, told me she
encourages kids to say, “I really care about you, and I feel embarrassed
about being so jealous. I feel like if I don’t say something, it’s not going to
be good for our friendship.”
Instill compassion through mindfulness and movement.
Mindfulness—the ability to acknowledge and accept your thoughts and stay
rooted in the present moment—can enhance attention span and reduce
stress, but researchers have found that it also can foster empathy. In a study
at Northeastern University, participants took an eight-week meditation
course. When they were then faced with the option of giving up their chair
to a person in visible physical discomfort, they were far more likely than
control group subjects to act beneficently.
When Visitacion Valley School introduced a mindfulness program for
sixth, seventh, and eighth graders, they saw a 79 percent decrease in
suspensions. Administrators at the school, located in one of San Francisco’s
poorest and most violent neighborhoods, told NBC News they believe the
fifteen-minute, twice-daily meditations decrease conflict by making
students more conscious of their actions, calmer, and less angry. Enroll your
child in yoga, or teach them relaxation strategies such as deep breathing or
meditation. (I’ll offer many more mindfulness strategies in Chapter 17.)
Researcher Dacher Keltner has found that going out into nature and
experiencing “feelings of awe” also appears to heighten empathy. Those
feelings of awe cause people to behave less materialistically and more
altruistically, too, according to Stanford researcher Melanie Rudd. Margaret
Rietano has seen this phenomenon firsthand. When her four kids were
young, she often took them into the woods, and she noticed there were
never any other kids there. She knew how happy her children were outside,
and she wanted to bring that experience to others. She founded The
Elements, an outdoor enrichment program in Washington, DC.
“Especially in middle school, the stress level ramps up that much more,
they’re cognitively aware of the dark side of life and the world, and
suddenly the news is in their back pockets,” Rietano told me. “When you
have something as grand and majestic and terrifying as nature, the playing
field is equalized, and we’re made to realize how small we are in this big
world.” The parents of middle schoolers enrolled in her program tell her,
“My son is less anxious when he comes back,” or, “He’s always had low
confidence, and now he feels valued.”
If you don’t have easy access to the outdoors, encourage your child to
get in the habit of taking a walk around the block. If your school keeps
students indoors every time there’s bad weather, Rietano recommends
advocating for change. “Schools can get shovels and have students clear
their own blacktop—don’t leave it to building services. They can work
together and learn to become stewards of their spaces—it’s so satisfying to
play on the blacktop after putting in the sweat equity.”
Speaking of sweat equity, don’t underestimate the power of movement.
Researchers at the University of Michigan studied 709 public middle school
children and found that those who were more physically active (at least
thirty minutes a day)—or who were involved in team sports—scored
highest in leadership skills and empathy. Exercise also has a calming
influence. Whether your child plays a pickup game of four square or a more
organized sport, they’ll learn conflict resolution strategies, flexibility, and
cooperation.

Build awareness of community needs.

Meaningful volunteer engagement can widen children’s worldview, teach
them gratitude, and build their awareness of and sensitivity to others’
struggles. Placing kids in unfamiliar settings or uncomfortable situations
heightens their ability to empathize with anyone who feels like an outsider
or lacks a sense of belonging. It’s a powerful way for kids to see that
everyone has a story. Take advantage of their natural interest in activism
and service work. As University of California at Berkeley researchers wrote
in the journal PNAS, twelve- to fourteen-year-olds show greater activation
in brain regions responsible for self-perception and social cognition, which
may explain why they like to be at the forefront of social change. Still, it’s
not always easy to get middle schoolers involved in service work.
To help your child get started, identify their interests and talk about
problems they’ve observed. Perhaps they love soccer and could canvass
businesses to raise money to provide a local school with soccer equipment.
“In my community, there’s a home for young adults with disabilities, and
many love video games,” said Sheila Sjolseth, the president of Pennies of
Time, a nonprofit that supports families trying to improve their community.
Kids who love gaming offer companionship and share their skills.
If your kid chooses an outlet with a personal connection, they’ll feel
more invested. “You have to guide your child at this age, especially if they
haven’t been in charge of chores or acts of kindness before,” Sjolseth told
me. Face-to-face contact is more likely to build empathy than impersonal
activities like fund-raising. If you collect books for a high-poverty school or
holiday gifts for a homeless shelter, bring your child with you when you
drop off the items. To make the activity more attractive, combine efforts
with another parent. Your child may be more likely to stick with a project
they do with a friend. When my son Ben was in seventh grade, he wanted to
volunteer for the Special Olympics, but jumping in alone felt daunting. He
started volunteering with a classmate, but eventually branched out on his
own. He taught tennis to a sixth-grade girl with Down syndrome, and her
spunk and fearlessness left a big impression on him.
Don’t give up if your child is initially negative or indifferent. Try to get
them to stick with an activity long enough to make volunteering a habit.
Children don’t develop an empathetic mind-set from one-off acts of
kindness. Over time, the “why” will become ingrained. They’ll experience
the boost in self-confidence that comes from seeing they can change their
own or others’ circumstances. And don’t underestimate your child. As
Washington, DC, principal Alexandra Griffin told me, we need to give
middle schoolers more credit. “They’re often looked upon as self-centered,
which they are, and immature, which they can be. But they also can be
amazingly empathetic and kind.”

TOP TIPS FOR PARENTS

When your child is mean, address it directly. You can’t legislate

feelings, but you can set expectations around behavior.
Model kind behavior and surround yourself with kind friends. Don’t
spend time with people who mistreat you.
Encourage your child to focus on achieving their personal best.
Don’t compare them to others, and discourage them from
comparing themselves to peers.
Keep it real—kids don’t need to be friends with everyone, but they
do need to be empathetic, respectful, and polite.
Help your child engage in meaningful community service.
Talk about times you were mean, or when you personally
experienced unkindness. Share how it made you feel.
Label their feelings to broaden their emotional vocabulary and ability
to consider other perspectives.

CONVERSATION STARTERS

“Do you think some kids have a harder time than others being kind?
Why do you think that’s the case?”
“Is there a difference between saying something mean to someone
and leaving someone out?”
“How does it feel when you can tell you hurt someone’s feelings?”
CHAPTER 5

EMBRACING DIFFERENCE IN SELF AND

OTHERS

KEY SKILLS

1—Make good friend choices

5—Consider others’ perspectives
9—Make responsible, healthy, and
ethical choices

“I feel completely invisible.”

“How can I not feel fat?”
“Whenever I bring curry for lunch, Darren says, ‘Yuck, what’s
that? Diarrhea?’”

WHEN JESS WILSON’S THIRTEEN-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER, Brooke, was

younger, people would try to tamp down any behavior that made her stick
out, including any noncontextual noises. “In order to be a successful autistic
person, you’re supposed to look neurotypical,” says Wilson, the author of
the Diary of a Mom blog. She bristles at the goal of indistinguishability,
which puts the emphasis on making other people comfortable. “Brooke isn’t
hurting anyone, and her behavior helps her self-regulate, so let’s work on
society instead,” she told me over the phone. “Just because you don’t know
what’s funny doesn’t mean you have to stop her laughter.”
A behavioral analyst once discouraged Wilson from arranging playdates
with another autistic child. “She said, ‘Don’t do that, they act really autistic
together, and she’s a bad influence on Brooke.’ I decided I didn’t want to
play that game. My kid does stand out, but I want her to feel pride, not
shame.” There are strengths in differences—and even in disability itself. As
Wilson noted, “If you’re in a wheelchair, you have to get really creative
about approaching things that aren’t accessible. You end up taking pride in
finding a workaround. The deaf community is a perfect example. They’ve
created a culture around a community that’s a source of pride.”
To help build Brooke’s self-concept, Wilson seeks out adults who share
her profile. “We want to show her how cool this community of different
people are. I have a friend who’s a lesbian who grew up never knowing
anyone gay, and she said, ‘I can’t imagine the effect it would have had on
my life if I’d known even one gay couple as a kid, and seen that they’re
happy and well-adjusted.’” So far, the approach is working. “Brooke will
say, ‘Yay, I’m me! I love being autistic, it’s cool.’”
Instilling a positive self-concept is easier said than done. Kids can get
targeted for pretty much anything—including physical traits, clothing
choices, socioeconomic status, or family structure. Carlos had to deal with
questions about his immigration status throughout middle school despite the
fact that he’s not an immigrant. Kids teased Mark for wearing sneakers to
go sledding. His parents were out of work and couldn’t afford snow boots.
A girl was called out for wearing “Thuggs” from Target instead of brand-
name Uggs. Although middle schoolers are highly attuned to slights, that
doesn’t necessarily translate into sensitivity. I’ve often marveled at this
disconnect. A bunch of eighth graders taunted my friend Brian’s fourteen-
year-old son, Eben, about having two dads, and Eben’s coping strategy was
no better. He’d lash out at unathletic boys, calling them trannies and fags.
“My son has been bullied, but he’s also been the bully,” Brian told me. “It’s
his defense mechanism.”
Middle schoolers can be intolerant of any differences, including their
own. They’re trying to get a handle on any sort of “otherness.” That
essential question, “Who am I?” is complicated. There are endless ways to
feel like an outlier, and a corresponding need for reassurance. By explicitly
requiring your child to honor everyone’s humanity, you’ll reinforce the
message that they, too, deserve respect and inclusion. This has been a
harder message to transmit in recent years, when a divisive cultural climate
among adults has spilled over to schools, but that only makes your role
more critical. If you teach your children now to embrace difference in its
many forms, they’ll benefit for the rest of their lives. They’ll grow up to be
decent people with a strong sense of self who can thrive in an increasingly
diverse world. Here are some strategies.

Raise your child’s awareness.

I met with Rodney Glasgow, the chief diversity officer and head of middle
school at St. Andrew’s Episcopal School, after he led a diversity training
session for school counselors. “We’re seeing a rise in antisemitism, sexism,
and homophobia,” he told me, and children can take hateful behavior to the
extreme. “On the one hand, that’s great because if we don’t know it’s there,
we can’t address it, but it also puts the spotlight on certain kids in a negative
way.” He’s seen this manifest in many ways. “Black boys often feel
excluded by both classmates and educators. They might say, ‘I know my
teachers don’t like me and are afraid of me.’ Students who are part of the
DACA (Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals) program are saying, ‘I
was part of the country, and now it’s debatable whether I get to be part of
the country, let alone the school.’”
Kids who express unpopular political viewpoints also may feel
excluded. Be careful not to transmit the message that their voice is
unwelcome. If you do, their feelings may bubble over in ways that hurt their
peers. Instead, say, “I want to hear your opinion, but you can’t say anything
that will degrade someone else’s humanity.” Set that boundary and
challenge them from a standpoint of morality. Pretending that something
isn’t divisive won’t make it disappear, and most kids want a positive school
culture. Glasgow told me his students are asking, “How do I support my
friends of color, my gay friends, my friends who are immigrants? I don’t
want to make it worse for them.” For starters, they shouldn’t ignore their
classmates’ reality.
If a disturbing event is in the news, initiate a dialogue with your child.
You don’t need to have all the answers. Acknowledge what happened and
ask, “Would you like to talk about it?” Give them a chance to respond
before weighing in with your own opinion, and focus on listening, not
lecturing. In that first exchange, it’s okay to say, “I’m still trying to make
sense of this myself, but I think it’s important that we talk about it.” Your
job is to hold the space, not move your child from point A to point B. Raise
the issue again once you’ve had processing time. At that point, prompt them
to think about the incident more analytically. Ask them, “If that were to
happen here, how do you think it would impact your community?”
It’s equally important for educators to acknowledge what’s going on in
the world. As Lauren Mascareñaz wrote in Teaching Tolerance magazine,
“When we ignore or dismiss an important event, we show our students that
it isn’t worthy of our time. Say something, and show your students the
power of voice—yours and their own. Students want and need their parents
and school staff to help them make sense of troubling situations.”

Encourage authentic inclusion.

Laura Talmus’s daughter Lily was born with Apert syndrome and cranial
facial differences. Lily was always soulful and bright, but by seventh grade
she stopped wanting to go to school. “When Lily started a new middle
school in fifth grade, we knew it would probably get a little harder for her
socially, but we didn’t expect the bottom to fall out the way it did,” Talmus
told me. “She’d never been teased or bullied, but it was just as devastating
to be socially isolated.” She homeschooled her until Lily asked to try
boarding school. Shortly after Lily arrived at her new school, she died in
her sleep. When her mother delivered her eulogy, her former classmates
were shocked to learn that she’d left middle school because she felt so left
out. “I turned back to those early classmates and said, ‘If you want to honor
Lily, let’s start a conversation about this,’” Talmus said. She cofounded the
nonprofit Beyond Differences, and Lily’s former classmates started giving
presentations at local middle schools.
Seventeen-year-old Edyn Jensen is a member of the Beyond
Differences’ Teen Board and speaks at those assemblies. We talked over the
phone about her memories of Lily and her commitment to teaching kids
about social isolation. She advises parents to let their kids know that
everyone is welcome at their house, and to encourage them to notice
marginalized kids. “Let them know that if a kid comes to school with a
different pair of shoes than you, they might have a different backstory, but
they’re not less than,” she said. She shared a story about a middle school
girl who used a wheelchair and ate lunch every day with an adult aide. On
National No One Eats Alone Day, a Beyond Differences event designed to
foster inclusion, the child suddenly was surrounded by kids who wanted to
eat with her. “From that one meal, the kids learned her name and saw that
she was funny and sweet,” Jensen told me. “She’s now sitting around other
kids, not in the back with an aide.” The students needed help with the
introduction, but the face-to-face interaction took care of the rest.
True social engagement can’t be an act of charity. Avoid saying, “You
need to take care of those kids.” As Wilson pointed out, “It infantilizes the
other kid, and there’s never going to be inclusion if we’re not giving kids a
chance to be a real friend.” Ask yourself some tough questions. Who are my
friends? Who am I showing my child that I respect and want to befriend?
Some people don’t fit into our worlds easily, and inclusion takes effort.
All children benefit from inclusion, whether it’s social or academic.
According to researchers at the Harvard Graduate School of Education,
students with disabilities in inclusion classes are more engaged and develop
better communication skills than students in self-contained, segregated
classes, but kids without disabilities learn to more readily embrace
individual differences. The Maryland Coalition for Inclusion Education
released a report showing that they also experience a boost in self-esteem
and gain access to instructional methods that benefit all students. It’s win-
win.
Inclusion is also a way to challenge kids’ assumptions. For the first
thirteen years of his life, Matthew Lager, who has non-verbal autism, had
no way to communicate. In middle school, he learned to share his thoughts
by typing one letter at a time. He now advocates passionately for other kids
with autism. His mother, my friend Karen Lager, sent me a copy of the
speech he delivered in Atlanta in 2017 at TASH, an organization that
advocates for people with significant disabilities. Now sixteen and a
sophomore in high school, Matthew shared the difficulty of living in an
unreliable body, explaining, “I can easily be passed over as an obscure
scientific oddity.” But while much is out of his control, he told the TASH
audience that he’s felt joy that many believe those with his type of autism
aren’t able to experience.
Matthew has come a long way, and now teachers and therapists contact
him for guidance. They want to know how to show students with defiant
bodies the presumption of competence. Matthew tells them how to include
him in classroom conversation, assist with peer interaction, and engage him
by moving the curriculum along faster. His day-to-day challenges can still
be exhausting, including “putting on a brave coat of armor” to brace himself
for people’s reactions to him. He experienced verbal and physical bullying
last year that shook him. “Particularly upsetting was the notion that some
thought I wasn’t bothered about it because I didn’t have the expected motor
response and didn’t defend myself,” he said.
Make sure your child understands that bullying and exclusion hurt
everyone, regardless of how they seem to react. Matthew made this plea:
“When I make an unusual noise, look at me once rather than multiple times.
It’s not polite to stare at anyone, and I’m no exception. Realize I hear your
snickers and see your sneers.” Tell your child to talk to individuals with
differences the way they’d address any other human being. That means
using normal pronouns, sharing opinions, and even arguing. As Matthew
pointed out, he’s like every other teen; he wants to be seen as “cool,
intelligent, and attractive—and sometimes to not be seen at all.”

Provide windows and mirrors.

In a photograph of two-year-old Parker Curry that went viral, she’s staring
in complete awe at a large portrait of former First Lady Michelle Obama
hanging at the National Portrait Gallery in the Smithsonian museum.
Obama had hoped the portrait would elicit precisely that kind of “mirror
moment.” When it was unveiled, she said, “I’m thinking about all of the
young people, particularly girls of color, who, in years ahead, will come to
this place, and they’ll look up and see an image of someone who looks like
them hanging on the wall of this great American institution.”
It’s so important for children to see “mirrors,” or images of beauty,
power, and intelligence that look like them. At St. Andrew’s Episcopal
School, Glasgow brings in black women (and other minority) speakers. He
also makes a point of stopping and talking to black girls in particular. “They
feel literally invisible,” he told me. “They’re academically outshining
males, but these are the girls who often are socially excluded or don’t get
asked to the dance.”
Dena Simmons underscored this point when we chatted at Sheridan
School after she gave a presentation on culturally responsive practices.
Simmons, the assistant director at the Yale Center for Emotional
Intelligence, told me about her experiences as a black girl attending a
predominantly white boarding school in New England. Before then, she’d
attended a diverse school in the Bronx, and the change was seismic. “I was
fourteen, and it was the first time I understood visually what it felt like to be
a minority—and I was constantly reminded,” she said. She remembers
wishing she saw more people who looked like her, “Even one faculty
member who could have said it would be okay—that I was part of the
family.” She urges parents to work with their school to diversify the
curriculum and make sure everyone sees visual representations of
themselves.
Both fiction and nonfiction can provide windows and mirrors. Books
help kids understand themselves and the world around them, and may even
embolden them to write their own stories. Simmons likes using the writing
prompt, “I wish others knew.” Whether you form a parent-child book club
with neighbors or read a novel with your child, choose stories that broach
issues surrounding identity, inequity, privilege, and racial and cultural
differences.
Last year, my then fourteen-year-old daughter, Emily, and I read
Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s Purple Hibiscus together. The novel follows
the story of Kambili, a wealthy fifteen-year-old girl in Nigeria. Despite the
gap between their experiences, Emily was surprised to realize how much
she had in common with Kambili—the book provided a “window” into that
experience. She related to how much pressure the character puts on herself
to succeed. She also realized they both take friendship seriously and are
trying to sort out who they want to be. I was struck by how she internalized
their similarities far more than their differences.
 IDEA FOR EDUCATORS
MAKE GLOBAL CONNECTIONS

Many teachers have been using telecommunications

apps to help their students get out of their bubble and
envision different ways of living. Pernille Rip, a
seventh-grade English teacher in Wisconsin, has
connected more than 2,000,000 students in sixty
countries. She also reaches out to adults. A Canadian
Iraqi Skyped with her class to share insights about the
human side of the refugee crisis.
Ali Schilpp, a media specialist, teaches in a remote,
rural public school in Maryland. She introduces her
students to individuals throughout the world. “I want
them to see how they can use the Internet to learn
about people whose life experiences, backgrounds,
and customs may be different from their own,” she told
me. Her students also make meaningful online
connections with authors. When a student told
Gennifer Choldenko, author of Al Capone Does My
Shirts: A Tale from Alcatraz, that the character Natalie
reminded him of his brother with autism, Choldenko
told him the book was based on her own autistic sister.
Schilpp seeks out potential collaborators on Twitter
and through a group called EduMatch. Recently, she
launched a LEGO travel buddy program. Her students
create LEGO mini-figures and mail them to schools in
Hawaii, California, Australia, and China. Educators in
those schools post pictures on Twitter of the LEGO
figures accompanying students as they participate in
activities, giving them a glimpse into other worlds.

Bring fear and bias to the surface.

Many schools use discussion groups or community circles to provide staff
members, students, and parents with a space to talk about issues related to
equity and diversity. Parents can partner with existing school programs or
form their own. Either way, make sure you set ground rules around
confidentiality and respectful listening. These topics can trigger painful
emotions.
Incorporate conversations into daily life, too. Ask your child how it feels
to spend time at someone’s house who has a different racial or cultural
background. Encourage them to identify similarities and differences. If your
child volunteers for an organization like Special Olympics, ask them how
they feel interacting with kids who have special needs. Bring any fear to the
surface, and offer to answer questions. Your job isn’t to shield them from
discomfort; it’s to help them move from awkwardness to a place of
understanding.
No one is immune from bias—even educated, well-meaning people. A
2017 study in the Journal of Experimental Psychology found that people
with higher cognitive abilities are actually more likely to learn and hold
onto stereotypes. On the upside, those same individuals have an easier time
shedding stereotypes when they’re given information that challenges their
existing beliefs. When you acknowledge that you carry unconscious
attitudes and associations, you model that this work never ends.
If your child says something concerning, ask clarifying questions.
Rodney Glasgow brought his own bias to a recent encounter. “I was
hanging out with a white conservative student and other kids who were
complaining about lunch, and they didn’t like the milk,” he told me. “One
boy kept saying, ‘I don’t like this hood milk.’ I’m burning inside, because I
grew up as a fifth-grade boy with free lunch, and here’s this white rich kid
complaining about milk from the hood.” Finally, Glasgow asked the
student, “You keep saying ‘hood’ milk. Why?” The boy explained that
Hood is the brand name of the milk. That one question shifted the whole
conversation. “I had to figure out what he was saying and why, and then
decide how to respond,” he said. If your child says something at home that
seems bigoted, probe further. Say, “Tell me why you think that.”

Talk about the power of words.

Your child may behave in ways that seem benign, but are hurtful to peers.
You can tap different resources to help them understand the power of their
words and to challenge their assumptions. The Seattle Times created the
Under Our Skin Project to encourage this kind of reflection. They invited
eighteen people who represent a range of backgrounds and perspectives to
talk candidly on video about concepts such as diversity and white privilege.
In a series of short videos about micro-aggressions, participants talk about
the impact of careless, hurtful, and ignorant comments.
One student said that when someone called her articulate, she could tell
they meant “for a black girl.” A Muslim woman talked about how she’s sick
of people asking, “Wouldn’t you like to wear a bathing suit just once?” You
can share personal stories with your child, too, whether they’re childhood
memories or more recent experiences. Wendy Kiang-Spray, forty-three, a
Chinese American school counselor, tells her teen daughters about growing
up in Maryland. “My mother would pack Chinese beef jerky in my lunch,
and one time a girl said, ‘What’s that?’” she recalled. “When I said, ‘beef
jerky,’ she yelled down the table, ‘Wendy’s eating jerky treats!’”
Kiang-Spray also has told her kids about an upsetting experience she
had as a young middle school English teacher. An eighth-grade student
stood at the back of the classroom mocking her appearance. “She pulled her
eyes back in a way that kids used to do in my childhood. Racial slurs and
gestures like this cut you to the core in a way that no other insult can. I
think it’s because it reduces you to something you can’t help—that your
degree, your authority, your respectability—cannot mitigate. I was about
twenty-eight, and a thirteen-year-old did this to me.”
Kiang-Spray says her daughters, who are Caucasian and Asian, more
readily embrace their culture than she did growing up. She considers it a
positive sign that her seventh grader proudly calls herself a “Wasian.” “That
term to me means she has a sense of her own identity, and also that it’s
okay,” she said. Her daughters also call people out when they make
offensive comments, yelling, “That’s racist.” Kiang-Spray was more
inclined to let that stuff slide, noting, “I didn’t have the words, sense of
identity, or support to be able to defend myself.” Encourage your child to
tell an adult about offensive comments. When a seventh-grade boy told a
biracial classmate that she looked “Tasty, like a hush puppy—dark on the
outside and white on the inside,” everyone within earshot reported him.
Kids won’t learn from their mistakes if adults don’t address these situations
directly.
It’s not easy for adults, let alone kids, to step into someone else’s shoes.
You have to suspend your own reality to adopt another person’s reality. The
Virtual Human Interaction Lab at Stanford University has been
experimenting with immersive virtual reality (IVR) goggles to build
empathy. IVR lets users embody an avatar who encounters and must cope
with racism. Because we aren’t able to offer our kids magical empathy
goggles yet, act with intentionality.
As Michele Borba noted in one of our conversations, “Tell your child
you’re going to watch your own language. If you say something that’s not
inclusive, you want them to say, ‘Check that.’ You might say ‘all women,’
or ‘all blondes,’ or ‘all wealthy,’ and those ’isms create divisions. If your
husband says, ‘Those homeless people need a job,’ turn to him and say,
‘Check that, is that true for all homeless people?’”

Beware the danger of “a single story.”

Everyone has a story, but there’s always a risk that the outside world will
oversimplify it. In her famous TED Talk, “The Danger of a Single Story,”
Chimamanda Ngozie Adichie warns against the dangers of reducing
someone to a stereotype. The seventh graders at my school prepare and
present a mini TED Talk in which they talk about their own lives. They may
say they feel defined by the fact that they’re adopted, or that they have two
mothers, or that they need extra time on tests. Writing a mini TED Talk can
be emotional, but the process heightens students’ empathy for anyone who
feels defined by one strand of their narrative. When the seventh graders at
Sheridan do this assignment, they first watch portions of Adichie’s TED
Talk and read texts that draw from this same idea, such as Monica Harwell’s
StoryCorps narrative about being the first woman to climb electric utility
poles for ConEdison in New York.
Students then prepare and deliver three-minute talks to their peers that
focus on their own experience of being stereotyped or falsely represented.
After the students have delivered their speeches, they debrief as a group.
You can try a home version of this same assignment. Discuss videos and
narratives such as Adichie’s or Harwell’s, and initiate conversation about
how the idea of “a single story” applies to your family, to you as an
individual, and to your child. It’s particularly tough for kids to own their
identity when they feel judged for not conforming to someone else’s
stereotype. The comedian W. Kamau Bell explored this concept in a video
for The Atlantic magazine. He reflected on his childhood as a black kid who
wasn’t into the “right stuff,” saying, “I was the only black kid I knew who
was into superheroes or martial arts.” He felt like an outsider, and that sense
of alienation carried over into adulthood.
School principal Alexandra Griffin also recalls being acutely aware of
being different. In sixth grade, her school wanted to bus her from her
majority black school to a gifted and talented program, which was housed
in a school that was majority white. At first, her mother was reluctant, but
then she relented. Folarin to Griffin, who is black, started at the new school
and experienced intense culture shock. “I felt totally out of place, partly
because I was black, and partly because I hadn’t studied half the material
the other students had,” she told me. “I was smart, but behind. I was the
black girl who didn’t know the material. Stereotyped from the start.”
Folarin to Griffin her struggles because she knew her mother didn’t really
want her at the school in the first place, so for the first four months she
studied alone and tried to figure out what she didn’t know. She also asked
the school counselor for help. “By the end of the year, I was totally caught
up, and I didn’t feel like a living, breathing stereotype. I think my pride
made me not tell my mother and it made me seek help,” she said.
Doug Karr, the president and CEO of Character Dot Org, also recalls
standing out, but because of his health issues. He was an athlete with
asthma before inhalers were invented. “I enjoyed baseball, but I had to wear
a mask to go out in the spring in pollen season. It was white with a filter,
and I looked like something out of a movie. Kids would call me the boy in
the bubble.” As his teammates got to know him, they saw past the
difference, but he still draws on that experience today. He tells his fifteen-
year-old son, who’s 6’8” and often gets questioned about his height, that he
shouldn’t let any single trait define him.
When your kid gets caught up in one piece of their identity, help them
flesh out their whole story. Talk about your family’s culture or the origin of
their name. Highlight any meaningful rituals, whether you fast for a
religious holiday or visit the same relatives every Thanksgiving. When you
instill appreciation for their history and customs, kids learn to respect their
own and other families’ traditions, and they have an easier time
remembering that everyone has a backstory.
Encourage your child to think about the cultural identifiers that impact
them the most. That might be their race, ethnicity, gender, religion, sexual
orientation, family structure, socioeconomic status, or ability. That’s the
lens through which they see the world, and it can shift depending on
whether they’re at home or at school. Your child might not think about class
at the family dinner table, but be extremely attuned to it when they’re at the
mall with a friend who has her own credit card. Explain to your child that
they’re less likely to relate to someone else’s experience if it’s unfamiliar. If
they’re the one who has that credit card, for example, they may not realize
how hard it is for a friend whose family is struggling financially. Once they
tune in, they’ll be able to show more sensitivity, perhaps by suggesting a
sleepover rather than a shopping excursion. Adults often miss nuance, too.
Take some time to think about your own skewed perspective. If you’re a
thin parent, for example, you may not relate to your obese child’s struggle.
If you were always a stellar student, you might have to work harder to
understand your child’s learning differences.
Sanah Jivani, now twenty, uses her personal battle with self-acceptance
to help others. When she was twelve, she was diagnosed with alopecia, a
condition that causes hair loss. By eighth grade, she was bald and started
wearing wigs. She had low self-esteem and fought eating disorders and
depression. “From remembering the pain of waking up in seventh grade
with all of my hair on my pillow to thinking about the bullying, I needed
some way to cope,” Jivani wrote me. She took that hurt and got to work
helping others discover their self-worth. At age fifteen, she shed the wig,
stopped seeking validation from external sources, and founded Natural Day,
an international movement to end insecurity. Jivani purposely scheduled the
event for February thirteenth, the day before Valentine’s Day, because she
recognized that it’s important to love yourself before you can love others.
It’s not easy for anyone, let alone a fourteen-year-old, to embrace the
very things that make them stand out. By third or fourth grade, kids are
starting to feel self-conscious and want to fit in. By middle school, forget it.
Any sort of weirdness is suspect, whether you’ve lost your hair, have a
stutter, or can’t sit in a regular chair without tipping over. Tell your child
that every weakness comes with a strength. There are so many examples.
Chris Miller, a fourteen-year-old who was taunted for being autistic, used
his outside-the-box perspective to invent a superhero alter ego named
Captain Spectrum. Captain Spectrum’s motto is “defend and be a friend,”
and Miller has brought his creativity and antibullying message to comic
book conventions. Chris is making an impact because of his differences, not
in spite of them. And these efforts are needed. A 2014 Interactive Autism
Network survey revealed that 63 percent of children with autism spectrum
disorder have been bullied at some point in their lives.
As Dave Rendall, author of The Freak Factor, told me, “What makes
you weird makes you wonderful.” He was a hyperactive kid who talked
through class and was criticized endlessly, but he now gets paid to talk for a
living. There are plenty of other adult examples. Retired professional
baseball player David Eckstein told me he was picked on daily for his small
size and called an “overachieving Smurf.” “I was never the biggest person
or the most talented person,” he said, “but that made me learn how to
embrace failure, develop coping skills, and improve my mental game.” He
worked hard to prove his bullies wrong, and ended up playing Major
League Baseball for ten seasons. In 2006, he won the World Series Most
Valuable Player award.
Ultimately, whatever makes learning or social acceptance a challenge
now might be the exact qualities that bring kids success and happiness in
the future. Steer your child toward appropriate outlets for their strengths
and skills instead of squelching what makes them unique. And don’t be
afraid to model stepping outside the norm yourself.

TOP TIPS FOR PARENTS

Don’t shut down unpopular viewpoints. Engage in discussion, but

set a boundary—your child can’t say anything that degrades
someone’s humanity.
Don’t ignore disturbing events in the news involving racism,
homophobia, or other forms of hate. Create a space for discussion.
Talk about cultural identifiers and how they skew perspective.
Monitor your own biases. Family members can say “check that” to
one another when someone makes a generalization about a group.
Encourage authentic inclusion, not just a “hi” in the hall or a one-off
act of kindness.
Think about who your child sees you befriending and treating with
respect.
Provide “windows and mirrors”—role models and images of beauty
who look like them.
Encourage them to draw from their own experiences with feeling
different to help others.
Show examples of celebrities and successful professionals who
leveraged their so-called weaknesses into success.

CONVERSATION STARTERS

“What differences and similarities have you noticed when you hang
out with Michael?”
“What do you think it’s like to have to worry about that challenge?”
“Why do you think kids find it scary to approach people who are
different in some way?”
“Did you hear that news story? If that happened here, how do you
think kids at your school would react?”
 SOCIAL SKILLS

“I feel judged and ignored.”

CHAPTER 6

MANAGING SHIFTING FRIENDSHIPS

KEY SKILLS

1—Make good friend choices

2—Negotiate conflict
7—Self-regulate emotions
9—Make responsible, healthy, and
ethical choices

“We used to be best friends, but now Katy is one of the mean girls.
She doesn’t even look at me.”
“I’m so sick of Meghan. She thinks we should do everything
together just because we hung out last year.”
“August made the travel basketball team, so now he thinks he’s
better than everyone.”

JOEY WAS THROWN WHEN HIS BEST FRIEND DROPPED HIM. JOEY and Charlie
had spent the summer before sixth grade biking and playing video games
together, but that stopped on the first day of middle school. Charlie mostly
ignored him, though he’d occasionally body slam him when they passed
each other in the hall. Joey not only took Charlie’s abuse, he became
obsessed with winning him back. He kept tabs on Charlie’s new friends,
whom he referred to as the “popular” group. He knew when they got busted
for texting cartoons of naked girls or flinging hamburgers across the
cafeteria.
Joey’s mother, my friend Jen, couldn’t understand their appeal. She
cringed every time he set himself up for another round of rejection. She
tried to challenge his thinking. “Do you think someone that obnoxious is
worth your time? What do you like about Charlie and his friends anyway?”
When Joey told Jen that Charlie got suspended for yanking down a boy’s
pants in the locker room, she reached her breaking point. “Do you really
think this is going to turn out well for him?” she asked. She still got
nowhere.
“Oh my god, I can’t take it anymore,” she told me. “Please tell me how I
can get him to move on.” I told her that the best antidote to craving the
wrong friends is finding the right ones, but that takes time. Jen got to work.
Whenever Joey connected with a new classmate or teammate, she’d help
him deepen the tie. She’d offer to drive them to the movies or take them out
for ice cream. She told Joey that he seemed much more relaxed when he
hung out with kids who didn’t humiliate him. By the time he accepted that
Charlie was a lost cause, he had a small circle of new friends.
The leap from elementary to middle school is a vulnerable, tumultuous
time. Kids suddenly have a larger pool of friends to choose from, more
freedom, and less adult supervision. No one is assigning them a “buddy”
anymore. There’s a herd mentality as kids begin to care more about their
social standing than their role in their family. They start to place a bigger
premium on trust, and their friendships become more intense. Complicating
matters, this heavier investment in friendship is often accompanied by a
decrease in social stability. This combination can cause angst and insecurity.
Eileen Kennedy-Moore, a psychologist and coauthor of Growing
Friendships: A Kid’s Guide to Making and Keeping Friends, told me that
only 75 percent of middle schoolers’ friendships last from fall to spring.
The odds are pretty low that your child will maintain any of their seventh-
grade friendships over the long haul. In a study published in Psychological
Science, researchers tracked friendships formed in seventh grade and found
that only 1 percent were still intact by twelfth grade.
For some kids, middle school is a chance to branch out or reinvent
themselves. For others, it’s an opportunity to chase status. They’re
operating in a world where their friendships are both intense and fragile.
While girls pair off, boys move in packs and may be more likely to jockey
for position. Boys tend to focus on establishing superiority over kids who
are close to them in the social pecking order. I talked to Jamie Ostrov, a
developmental psychologist and professor at the University at Buffalo, State
University of New York, who said, “For boys, their social goal is hierarchy
and dominance.” Girls are more likely to value intimacy and two-person
relationships rather than group interactions.
While you might be tempted to dismiss popularity as fleeting and
superficial, don’t discount it entirely. Clinical psychologist Mitch Prinstein,
author of Popular: The Power of Likeability in a Status-Obsessed World,
told me he’s been surprised by how enduring the effects are thirty to forty
years later. Our early experiences can change the expression of our DNA,
our marriages, and even our children’s popularity. “We have a give and take
with our environment, and if you’re popular, you’re given more
opportunities to practice social skills or gain access to new information,” he
explained. Unpopular kids don’t get those same advantages, and it becomes
a vicious cycle. That said, all popularity isn’t created equal. When it comes
in the form of likeability and making others feel included, outcomes are
positive. Adolescents, however, are wired to seek the more aggressive,
status-seeking variety. But if they’re too focused on being visible and
influential, they may fail to develop more-nuanced social skills. They also
may continue to trade on status as adults, and Ostrov’s research has found
that these tendencies can lead to depression, anxiety, relationship
difficulties, or risky behavior.
While it’s normal to shift friends and experiment with social power in
middle school, your child may struggle to navigate the increasingly
complex terrain. Kids start going in different directions, and there’s no
longer a teacher at the front of the room saying, “We’re all friends in here.”
Your child may suddenly drop a close elementary school friend, and this
can be hard for parents to accept, especially if the two families have
bonded. Nevertheless, resist the urge to intervene. Let your child exercise
their autonomy and decide for themselves where they feel a sense of
belonging. View this as a time to expand your own social circle. That
doesn’t mean your hands are completely tied. Here are some steps you can
take to help your child manage the social churn.
Acknowledge your child’s desire for popularity.
If you want to help your child build social skills, develop resiliency, and
prioritize meaningful friendships over popularity, you have to understand
where they’re coming from. FOMO—the fear of missing out—is very real.
Psychologist Adam Pletter worked with one teen who was so preoccupied
with what she was missing, she used Instagram Live to talk all night to
friends having a sleepover. Pletter, who founded iParent 101, told me this
tactic backfired because she was trying too hard. “She was targeted in
subtle ways,” he said. The girls would go off camera, then say her name to
provoke her interest. When they had her attention, they’d talk about all the
fun they were planning—without her. To combat FOMO, have an ongoing
conversation with your child about their online and offline social lives, and
help them stay busy doing activities they enjoy rather than obsessing over
what everyone else is doing.
Make sure you’re modeling that same behavior. Sue Scheff, author of
Shame Nation, told me she has to remind parents to “Stop liking, liking,
liking, and counting their likes.” Prinstein’s research shows that kids will
take down a picture if it doesn’t get 100 likes in a certain amount of time,
and parents can inadvertently play into that insecurity. One mother admitted
to posting photos of puppies and kittens on her daughter’s Instagram
account to drum up more likes. She was succumbing to cultural pressure,
but that kind of “help” sent her daughter the clear message that visibility
matters.
Prinstein once saw a magazine that featured an instruction manual for
conquering loneliness by getting a million followers. Depending on external
validation will never lead to happiness. If we focus too much on ephemeral
popularity, we could end up with a generation of kids who know how to
curate their image but have no idea how to form meaningful connections.
As it is, most adolescent friendships are poor quality, defined not just by the
presence of aggression, but by the lack of reciprocity. I spoke to Robert
Faris, an associate professor at the University of California at Davis, who
researches social relationships. His data and large national studies show that
when kids are asked to name their five best friends, fewer than half of their
nominations are reciprocated. He’s also found that there’s a tremendous
amount of turnover in these unbalanced relationships, with kids’ best friend
lists changing over two-week intervals. That’s a significant finding because
children who maintain durable friendships are more anchored and less
likely to engage in status-seeking behavior.
Encourage your child to target high-quality friends with good character
and to expend effort deepening those bonds. Pose questions that help them
think critically about their friendships. Ask, “Does your friend make you
feel good? Is this someone you can count on in a crisis? Can you be silly
when you’re together?” When your child is unhappy with their place in the
pecking order, offer extra love, acknowledge their feelings, and share your
values. You can’t convince them not to care, but you can try to figure out
why this matters to them. Examine the reality of their social circle and
remind them what they’d lose if they sacrificed the great qualities in their
existing relationships to pursue popularity. As Faris told me, “If you’re
trying to move up the social ladder and the ladder is built on friendships,
you’re going to leave friends behind, and that’s a loss. Those friends are
going to feel betrayed too.”
You also can point out that the most popular kids may be disliked. Your
child might assume someone has it all, but they may lack trusting
friendships. Help them think more expansively about their peers’ lives. A
thin, well-dressed girl who seems perfect might be struggling with an eating
disorder. A popular athlete might have an unstable home life. Reassure your
kid that they’re not stuck in the same box forever, and they’ll have
opportunities for reinvention. They may be relieved to know that power-
hungry, empathy-deficient kids can evolve, too. According to a 2016 study
at the University of Texas at Austin, young adolescents cope better with
exclusion and other social stressors when they understand that people can
change.

Focus on what they can control.

In every community, there are things that make a child popular. It could be
anything from their athletic ability to their family’s wealth. You can teach
skills that make a child more likeable, but helping them attain status is
trickier. The good news is that if you can attribute your child’s lack of
conventional popularity to external factors, they’ll be less likely to suffer
from depression or conclude they’re not worthy. Encourage them to focus
on what they can control, such as being kind.
This messaging is particularly useful when kids suffer a social setback.
My neighbor Andrew called me for advice about his daughter Rachel, who
felt punished for being considerate. A boy named Micah had transferred to
her school in the middle of seventh grade, and Rachel was the only one who
befriended him. A few months after he arrived, he sent out invitations to his
bar mitzvah. Rachel was stunned she didn’t make the cut. She was even
more upset when she heard who Micah had invited—a bunch of popular
kids who never spoke to him.
I encouraged Andrew to focus on Rachel’s warm, inclusive nature rather
than Micah’s insensitivity. He reassured his daughter that kindness typically
does lead to real friendship, and he tried to help her regain a sense of
agency. They brainstormed her options, including ending the friendship,
confronting Micah, or pretending nothing had happened. Rachel decided
she felt too raw to continue the one-sided relationship, but she told her dad
she had no regrets about being welcoming.
There’s a primal social impulse to be part of the pack, but kids thrive
when they think less about themselves and more about others. If your child
says that no one likes them, turn the tables. Help them focus on how they
can help others, whether they sit with a new student at lunch or carry a
backpack for a classmate on crutches. Engaging in something bigger than
themselves will help them stop ruminating about unreturned texts,
unrequited invitations, and other perceived slights.

IDEA FOR EDUCATORS

THINK CREATIVELY ABOUT LUNCHTIME

For many middle schoolers, the cafeteria is a stressful

minefield. By periodically assigning seating, you can
alleviate that angst and expand students’ social
networks. Mix grades so older kids have an opportunity
to assist lonely younger kids. You can designate one
table for students who want to play cards or board
games while they eat. This will ensure that students
 always have somewhere safe and welcoming to sit.
Lunch also is a time when counselors can facilitate
friendship groups, or teachers and administrators can
host kids in their classroom or office. Educators can
ask kind kids with social capital to invite peers who lack
a sense of belonging.

Cultivate good matches.

Middle schoolers understand that they’re supposed to interact with the
people closest to them in the social hierarchy. The culture may value
physical attractiveness or athletic ability, but your child may thrive in a
setting that values academic achievement or community service. Look for
activities that play to their strengths and draw kids with similar interests.
All children need to find “right fit” friends, but this is especially critical for
kids who’ve been mistreated. (I’ll revisit this idea in Chapter 7, which deals
with bullying.)
If your child is having trouble finding a peer group, their teachers and
counselor can suggest good friend matches, invite them to group lunches,
pair them on projects, and reinforce social skills (see Ideas for Educators).
Stay proactive and involved, and don’t outsource everything. Talk to your
child, get to know their friends, and connect with other parents. Be
strategic, too. If they want to go to a high school soccer game, for example,
suggest they invite one friend rather than two. Two kids might walk away
together, but one friend probably won’t abandon them. If your child is
socially awkward, suggest structured activities that require less talking,
such as movies or bowling. Seize opportunities where you can give an
assist. That might mean taking your son and a couple of his teammates out
to lunch after a game, or organizing a potluck dinner with families who
have kids the same age.
Prinstein noted that 50 to 75 percent of kids should be able to identify a
best friend, with that same person identifying them back. That friendship
may get downgraded over the course of a year, but most kids need at least
one good friend at any given point. Friendless children tend to have long-
term difficulties, but not all kids have the skills to develop strong ties with
even one peer. If your child has difficulty with social cues, focus less on
deep friendship and more on helping them interact comfortably with a
broad range of kids.
At the same time, help them acquire the social skills they need to be
likeable, such as showing curiosity by asking questions. You want them to
focus on connecting, not impressing. Eileen Kennedy-Moore uses a simple
visual to teach kids how to identify common ground. She’ll draw two
overlapping circles, color the middle, and explain, “This is where friendship
begins.” If your child talks about something that pertains only to them, it
won’t help their cause. Tell them to look for hooks. Is a potential friend
wearing a shirt from a music group they like? Did they watch the same
football game? Some kids may not know how to join a conversation.
Demonstrate how to slide into action without interrupting, and teach your
child to match the emotional tone of the group. “If everyone is complaining
about the social studies test and one girl says it was easy, it’s like a sour
note in the melody of the conversation,” Kennedy-Moore explained.
“Deceit is not a path toward friendship, but a kid can say, ‘Yeah, I can’t
believe there were five short answers.’”
Children who know how to make others feel valued do better socially.
I’ve written about how gratitude can combat kids’ sense of lacking, but
here’s another twist. In the journal Emotion, researchers wrote that keeping
a gratitude journal teaches kids how to show appreciation, a skill that
facilitates the initiation of new friendships. As Prinstein pointed out, “When
we look at videos of kids who end up being the most liked, they listen to
others and try to build on and shape what they’re doing instead of saying,
‘No, that’s stupid, let’s do it this way.’” Whether your child’s friends are
devising new spike ball rules or choosing which game to play, encourage
them to think about their primary goal. Ask, “What do you think the
outcome will be if you insist on doing everything your way? How can you
make your point without discounting others’ ideas?”
Flexibility is key, a concept that military kids seem to understand more
readily than others. School counselor Rebecca Best, who runs groups for
military children, points out that they may move seven or eight times before
they hit middle school. Other students can learn from their openness. These
kids may be more likely to approach a stranger in a crowded cafeteria or to
prioritize positivity over status.
 If your child has been in the same school since kindergarten, they may
think more rigidly about whom they hang out with and where they belong.
Point out the value in bringing new people into their world, particularly if
their existing friendships are unsatisfying. Boost their social receptivity by
exposing them to new people and situations. That might mean attending an
overnight camp or participating in a travel sport where they won’t know
their teammates in advance. The burden of popularity is lifted when the
goal is simply to befriend nice people. As Best told me, “Military kids have
figured out what works for them and are clued into their strengths. They’re
not trying to find a forever friend or a best friend. There’s a freedom to take
risks on new friendships when you live in the moment.”
Kind kids with social capital can help classmates who are struggling. If
your child falls into this category, give them concrete suggestions to include
others, such as inviting a struggling peer to join their after-school club.
School professionals can help with this. One of my students had to travel a
great distance to school, and after-school playdates were logistically
difficult. When the seventh graders started to have bar and bat mitzvahs, I
enlisted a few caring girls to invite her to weekend sleepovers so she could
attend the evening parties. As a result, she felt less isolated and more
connected to classmates. The girls who helped felt better about themselves,
too.
There are reserved kids who don’t need much in the way of social
interaction, and parents sometimes ask me whether they should be
concerned. Former middle school principal Jennifer Webster (now a
director in Montgomery County Public Schools in Maryland) suggests
thinking more expansively. “I’d ask, how is he with the family? Does he
participate when you do game night? He might not be comfortable with a
big group of friends, but does he enjoy hanging out with you?”
Contact your child’s teachers to assess how they’re operating in more-
structured settings. Look at their performance in a range of classes, from
English to PE to art. How are their interactions with classmates? Are they
able to work in groups? This is a better way to gauge how they’re doing
than taking a tally of their friends. “As a parent, I’d feel comfortable if they
say he’s doing what we ask in a developmentally appropriate way, and he’s
engaged and comfortable,” Webster told me.
You can ask your child similar questions. Say, “How do you feel in
Spanish class, or in English? Do you feel comfortable answering questions,
or talking to the teacher?” If they say they don’t want to talk to anyone in
class and they don’t have any friends, take a closer look at their social
world. Tempting as it may be to move a lonely or awkward child to a new
environment, that probably won’t help if you don’t address the underlying
social-skill deficits. Kids take themselves wherever they go, and they’re
likely to find themselves in the same situation if the only thing you do is
change their setting.

Give them a path forward.

Sometimes, parents know their child is acting mean but have no idea how to
help them change course. Help them play out the consequences. Ask,
“What does it mean if people want to be friends with you because they’re
scared of you, and not because they like your personality?” Challenge them
when they rationalize their behavior with statements like, “But everybody
hates her!”
Middle schoolers are experimenting with social power, and their
empathy muscle isn’t fully developed. That can lead to meanness, but you
won’t help them by focusing on their badness. The key is to help them get
back on track to being a “good kid” as quickly as possible. Guilt can be
constructive, but shame isn’t helpful. Kennedy-Moore uses a three-step
process. Step one involves giving your child an excuse. Say, “I get that you
were trying to get some space, or make a point, or hurt someone who
wounded you.” Step two is the “but.” This is when you try to open their
eyes to the impact of their actions. “But you really betrayed her trust when
you told everyone her secret.” Step three is about taking action. Ask, “What
can you do to help her feel better?” and, “What can you do to prevent this
from happening again?” Change is more meaningful when your child
comes up with solutions.
It can take time for kids to dig themselves out of a hole, especially if
they’re in emotional pain themselves. One of my seventh graders, Sean,
was ostracized by every one of his classmates. He had to hit rock bottom
before he was willing to make amends. He knew he’d made some bad
choices, such as picking fights and using racist language, and he felt
depressed and confused by his out-of-control behavior. He decided he
wanted to apologize to his entire grade at once. I wasn’t sure this was a
good idea, so we discussed what that might look and sound like, from what
he’d say to the time of day when he’d say it. I told him I’d moderate to
ensure the tone stayed respectful, but said he might not get the desired
result. He still wanted to apologize publicly.
When Sean addressed his classmates, he spoke between tears while they
listened, frozen and wide-eyed. After he spoke, I held my breath, hoping
they’d meet his courage with compassion. After a long pause, they took
turns praising his bravery. They told him that everyone makes mistakes and
deserves a second chance. A few students admitted they hadn’t been so nice
themselves. His teacher and I both had red eyes by the fourth or fifth kind
comment. Some kids learn only from painful mistakes, but that’s okay. For
better and for worse, those experiences will be seared into their memory.
Raising a middle schooler can have some rough moments, and it helps to
tap extra support. Julia Guillen Williams, a pupil personnel worker and
former middle school counselor, tells parents to designate backup adults,
such as aunts, older cousins, or close friends. They can help impart
friendship advice. “I’m Colombian, and everyone is Tía or Tío something,”
she told me. “These are not blood relationships, but my son understands
that these are people we trust.” When Guillen Williams was in middle
school, she dealt with abuse. “I found family in my friends’ families, and I
relied on other moms for mothering and resilience,” she said. Your child
may be more receptive to life lessons from individuals who aren’t their
parents, and other adults can add credibility to your messaging. These
stand-ins also can offer support when you can’t. Your kid may go through a
phase when they don’t want to confide in you, or they don’t want to burden
you because you’re not at your peak.
Middle schoolers need all the help they can get. When they feel slighted,
they can read too much into someone’s behavior. When this happens, try
asking a series of “maybe” questions. Maybe that friend thought you’d
appreciate it; maybe it was an accident; maybe they didn’t realize it was
private information. There are so many possibilities, and you can help your
child assume positive intent. Maybe the friend didn’t include them in
weekend plans, but only because they wanted one-on-one time with a new
classmate. Perhaps your child wasn’t tagged in a group photo, but the
omission was unintentional. Encourage them to shift away from, “Why
me?” to the more solution-oriented, “What if I?” and, “How can I?”
questions. When there’s no denying they’ve been insulted, empower them
to speak up for themselves. That can be as simple as saying, “That was
mean,” and walking away.
There is such a thing as too much melodrama. As Prinstein says,
“Seventh grade is this daily conflict resolution camp.” (When I shared his
observation with a seventh-grade girl who was struggling socially, she said,
“Well, he’s totally right—other than the resolution part.”) While some
children are conflict-averse and will tell everyone they’re upset except for
the person who offended them, others get an adrenaline rush from playing a
central role in soap operas. It can be difficult to convince these kids that
disengaging is the best long-term strategy. If your child shares details about
their own or someone else’s friendship conflicts, help them identify and
engage solely with the core players. Ask, “Is this something you need to be
involved in, or are you just curious about what happened? Who do you need
to talk to in order to resolve this problem?” If your child is drawn to chaos-
craving friends, ask, “What’s the downside of interacting with kids who like
to get everyone riled up?” Some middle schoolers enjoy throwing a grenade
into every conversation.
Keep in mind, however, that good friendships aren’t necessarily higher
in positive experiences. Kids may only be willing to have it out with close
friends. You may be surprised to discover that your child has no interest in
repairing a friendship. Instead, they may be looking to you for permission
to move on, or for help creating a more comfortable but distant
interpersonal dynamic.
If your child can’t see the big picture, try visual imagery. Invite them on
an imaginary hot air balloon ride. From this new vantage point above the
fray, can they see the problem more clearly? Can they identify possible
solutions? Even the best parents will struggle at times to keep their cool. “I
teach this and I’m trained in it, but I still had to do a lot of work to come
from a healthy place and avoid being reactive with my own teen daughters,”
Sacramento Waldorf School teacher Megan Sullivan told me. Maintain your
sense of humor without dismissing their concerns. You’ll fare better, too, if
you can find lightness in those dark moments.
 TOP TIPS FOR PARENTS

If your child has social deficits, work on skills such as seamlessly

entering a conversation or asking questions rather than trying to
impress.
Point out what they’d sacrifice if they gave up their friends to gain
acceptance from a different clique.
Don’t place a premium on “likes and follows.”
Focus on what they can control, such as reaching out to someone
else who is struggling.
Give them a path forward when they hurt a friend.
Tap backup adults to help reinforce your messages.
Use visual imagery to help them gain some distance and
perspective.

CONVERSATION STARTERS

“Help me understand what you like about David.”

“What do you think would change if you were part of Chloe’s
clique?”
“What would you give up if you dropped your friends to spend more
time with Maddie and her friends?”
“What does it mean if people want to be friends with you because
they’re scared of you, and not because they like your personality?”
“Does Mark make you feel good? Is he someone you can count on
in a crisis? Is he kind to others?”
“What do you see as the ideal resolution? Do you want to repair the
friendship or disengage for a while?”
CHAPTER 7

DEALING WITH BULLYING

KEY SKILLS

1—Make good friend choices

2—Learn to Negotiate conflict
6—Self-advocate
7—Self-regulate emotions

“I know I’m fat. I don’t need everyone to remind me every day.”

“I try to avoid the second-floor bathroom. That’s where Carl and
Tim hang out, and they think it’s funny to pants me whenever I
pass them.”
“Shari and Dana stuck tampons in my back pocket when I wasn’t
looking, then yanked them out in front of everyone.”

WHENEVER JESSIE HUNG OUT WITH HER BEST FRIENDS, CHLOE and Meg,
they’d whisper about another seventh grader named Kate. Jessie didn’t
know Kate, and it didn’t sound like she was missing out. Chloe and Meg
said that Kate was clingy, told boring stories, and smelled like acne wash.
Whenever Jessie would ask questions about this mystery girl, her friends
would giggle and shoot each other knowing glances. This went on for
weeks until a boy in her class told Jessie the truth—Kate was their code
name for her.
Jessie looked to other friends for support, but they started falling like
dominoes. Chloe and Meg had all the social capital, and no one wanted to
risk alienating them. Every night, she cried herself to sleep. Her mother, my
friend Naomi, called me for advice. Her voice caught as she asked me,
“How can I help her? She’s in so much pain.”
Naomi’s own experience with bullying magnified her panic and anguish.
In eighth grade, kids regularly humiliated her. They forged her signature on
love letters and left them in a popular athlete’s locker. They tugged on her
arm hair and called her monkey, and they invited her to nonexistent parties.
Naomi suffered from depression throughout high school, and she wanted a
better outcome for Jessie. She knew that Jessie loved to write, so she
enrolled her in a creative writing class where she could make friends and
process her emotions. For one assignment, Jessie wrote about a tormented
heroine who dusts herself off and helps other kids. In both her real and
imaginary worlds, she was learning that she could change her narrative. It
took time, but she eventually realized that the bullying was just one chapter
of her story, a lesson that resonated for Naomi, too.
Bullying strips kids of their dignity and leaves scars, and emotional
recovery can be complicated. Some children bounce back while others sink
like a stone. There’s no one-size-fits-all intervention, but here are several
ways you can build children’s resiliency. I’ll also offer tips to help the kids
who are doing the bullying.

Find alignment situations and come up with practical

strategies.
When kids have been traumatized by their peers, they need a safe space to
regain their footing. Parents can steer them toward activities they enjoy
where they’re likely to make friends. It doesn’t matter whether it’s organic
gardening, guitar, volleyball, a book club, or fencing. When children are
young, they find friends based on proximity. As they get older, they find
friends based on similarity. That transition is one of the fundamental
challenges of middle school, whether or not your child has been the target
of bullying.
 Seek out sports where your child has the highest chance of success, or
art classes, or debate club, then talk to them about what they like, where
they excel, and when they’re happiest. You can find these opportunities
through less-competitive recreational sports leagues, or at local museums or
makerspaces (collaborative work spaces where kids can learn to use tools
and materials, create projects, and solve problems). Some kids join religious
youth groups, or take coding or cooking classes through local universities.
Consider signing your child up for summer camp, and help them maintain
any new friendships during the year, even if they communicate primarily
through text. Having just one strong friendship is protective and will build
their resiliency.
Parents are understandably worried about how their kids are faring, but
don’t “interview for pain.” Rosalind Wiseman, author of Owning Up and
cofounder of Cultures of Dignity, says this practice is counterproductive
and will produce anxiety for your child. “Don’t start off asking, ‘Were the
kids mean to you at school today?’ If they say yes, they have to deal with
your emotional response, but if they say no, they may have lost their
opportunity,” she explained. Instead, ask open-ended questions, such as,
“How was school today?”
Children need to feel that the adults in their lives believe them and
believe in them. Acknowledge that what was done to them is absolutely
unacceptable, and that you know they’ve been wounded. Then point out
their earned, deserved strengths to counterbalance all the negative
messages. When kids are systematically bullied, they start to believe they’re
losers and can assume a victim mentality. Remind them that they should
never let anyone else define them.
Work with your child to develop problem-solving skills, too. This may
include brainstorming comeback lines, practicing looking unfazed,
reflecting on past interactions, or looking for humor in bleak situations. You
can help your child be more assertive by showing them how to use eye
contact, strong posture, and firm language to establish boundaries. Figure
out when they’re physically or emotionally vulnerable, down to mapping
hallways and avoiding hot spots. There may be one class with poor
management, or your child may need to avoid sitting in the back of the bus.
UnSelfie author Michele Borba told me that 43 percent of American kids
are afraid to use school bathrooms, but added that many middle schoolers
love the media center because librarians tend to be strict and watchful. Help
them identify everything they can do to keep themselves safe, including
limiting the frequency and duration of interactions with problematic kids.
When they must engage, they should stay calm and composed.
Principals want parents to understand the definition of bullying, because
parents tend to overreport it. As Borba told me, “It’s cold-blooded, one-
sided, intentional cruelty that’s usually repeated. One kid has his head in the
toilet, and the other one is holding it there.” But sometimes, the problem
isn’t actually bullying—it’s two kids who need to work out a problem, but
they’re on equal footing, and each can hold their own. The one
commonality among targets is that they tend to stand out as different in
some way. People are more likely to stick up for individuals who resemble
themselves. Embracing diversity is an important message, but it flies in the
face of our wiring.
It’s worth taking the time to get the school’s perspective. The counselor,
teachers, or administrators may be able to offer some good insights or
suggest good friendship matches. That friend piece is critical, especially
when it’s “friends” who are doing the bullying. Kids may settle for intimacy
with peers who are respectful 20 percent of the time, tolerating
mistreatment the rest of the time. Your child has to process the fact that a
once-trusted friend has turned on them, and realize that they’re sacrificing
themselves. To help them get there, talk about the qualities they seek in a
friend. If they don’t connect the dots, they’ll make the same mistakes in the
future.
Power dynamics can shift frequently, so parents and educators need to
carefully investigate all complaints. It’s not always what you expect. In a
new twist, bullied kids may be more likely to target themselves online.
Cyberbullying experts Sameer Hinduja and Justin Patchin coauthored a
study in the Journal of Adolescent Health that found that 7.1 percent of
boys and 5.3 percent of girls have posted something mean about
themselves, such as, “You’re ugly and nobody likes you,” or, “You should
just kill yourself.” When fourteen-year-old Hannah Smith committed
suicide in England in 2013 after months of cyberbullying, investigators
discovered that she had sent 98 percent of the abusive messages to herself.
Parents might consider this form of self-harm bizarre, but it’s a plea for help
that must be addressed. In 2016, French researchers did a systematic review
of sixty-four articles and concluded that 70 percent of young adults with a
history of self-harming behavior attempt suicide at least once. There may be
a similar link between online self-harm and suicide attempts.

Change the narrative.

Parents can help bullied kids understand that they’re the main character of
their story, and bullying is just one trial along the way. Matt Langdon, an
Australian bullying expert and president of the Hero Construction
Company, urges adults to use the hero’s journey model. “Every hero story
that’s been written has the same steps on the path,” he told me over the
phone. “The hero starts out knowing the rules of the place, then they’re
taken to a different world with new rules, and they go on a journey and
change.”
Framed within that, it’s better to avoid overdramatizing the bullying
experience. You’ll do a disservice to your child if you make that the focus.
You can use a series such as Harry Potter to discuss tactics for dealing with
bullying and to underscore that heroes can emerge stronger for their
struggles. You also can watch the latest superhero movie or young adult
romance with your child and note any parallels or lessons. Share elevating
images from the real world, too. Visit websites such as DoSomething.org,
or watch an uplifting video about a bullied child who’s making a difference
in the world. Look for articles about celebrities who talk openly about being
bullied, especially ones they admire. Children are comforted when they
realize they’re not alone. Langdon—who offers a self-led parenting
curriculum on his website, Heroconstruction.org—gets frustrated when
people focus on toughening up bullying targets. “It’s just so wrong-headed
to ask people who’ve been wronged to change themselves,” he told me.
Instead, change the narrative.
Another way to change the story is to reframe perceived weaknesses as
strengths in disguise, a technique I use with my students. When they focus
on their deficits, I ask them to identify two good things about each so-called
flaw. The Freak Factor author Dave Rendall draws on his own life to give
kids hope. “I was bullied for so many things,” he told me. “I was
grotesquely skinny and called Twiggy, after the first skinny model. No 13-
year-old boy wants to have his body compared to that. But that’s why I can
do Ironman Triathlons.”
Convince your child that the kids tormenting them are short-sighted and
off-base, and help them feel pride instead of shame. As Rendall noted, “At
what point does that nerdy kid become an inventor? At what point does the
kid who dresses weird get praised because he’s a fashion designer?” In
middle school, any kind of deviance will generate tremendous pressure to
conform, and that makes it especially hard for targeted kids to envision a
bright future.
I talked about middle schoolers’ intense desire to fit in with parenting
expert Annie Fox, a teen advice columnist and author of the Middle School
Confidential series. She urges parents to emphasize that different doesn’t
mean broken, noting, “Middle school kids either twist themselves into a
pretzel to smooth down the edges of whatever makes them different, or they
wear the mask of not caring.” When your child stops trying to be something
they’re not, they’re likely to attract a different kind of friend.

Consult advisors and use mantras to limit rumination.

When kids are bullied, they often feel alone. To combat that sense of
isolation, Langdon recommends that parents help their child identify a
group of real and fictional advisors who can serve as companions on their
journey. He frames it as King Arthur’s Round Table.
“They can ask their kid to think about the different roles people can play
in their story, whether it’s sidekick, mentor, or cheerleader,” he explained.
Your child can then ask their advisory board questions. “If this kid is giving
me trouble at school every day, what should I do? How can I stop thinking
about what happened to me all the time?” They can have imaginary
conversations with fictional, famous, and historical figures, while also
talking to their real-life friends and family. Encourage them to fill their
advisory board with a range of people they admire, whether it’s Harriet
Tubman or Selena Gomez. This exercise reinforces the importance of
reaching out to others, and helps them understand that everyone hits bumps
in the road.
If your child can’t stop ruminating about their bullying, they may need a
mantra or music lyric to help them manage intrusive thoughts. Ruminating
magnifies pain and slows recovery, and it raises the risk that they’ll think
their tormentors are right about them. When something is happening, that
song can pop into their head. Rosalind Wiseman urges kids to try this
exercise as many times as it takes to make it a habit. The mantra can be any
statement that affirms their right to exist in the world, such as “I don’t
deserve this,” but let your child choose it. Tell them that although you can’t
magically make the bullying disappear, you’ll always be there to offer
strategies and support.
Here’s the upside: targets of bullying tend to develop a greater capacity
for empathy and derive meaning from sparing others the same type of pain.
When they do help others, their confidence goes up and their stress levels
go down. Michele Borba shared a story with me about a teen who
immigrated from Haiti a few years ago. At first, no one would look at him
or eat with him, but after he made the football team and gained acceptance,
he remembered what it felt like to be excluded. He mobilized other
students, including his entire football team, to sit with kids who were eating
alone. Similarly, sixteen-year-old Natalie Hampton created the Sit with Us
app. At her last school, she’d been completely ostracized. She remembered
those feelings of shame and isolation, and she wanted to reach out to others
in the same situation.

Manage your own anxiety—and know when to shift gears.

There are times when parents should change their child’s school, especially
if there are safety concerns. Be alert for excessive crying, changes in
sleeping and eating habits, social withdrawal, school refusal, or drops in
academic performance. If you notice your kid spiraling downward, take
them to a therapist trained to work with bullied children.
“A girl from Texas wrote me a few years ago,” Annie Fox told me.
“During swim class, someone stole her bra from her locker. She’s large-
breasted and had to go to her next class without it.” The girl was videotaped
in the hall, and she was so humiliated she wanted to kill herself. Fox
contacted her father, who set up a meeting with the principal, the school
counselor, and the parents of the girls who stole the bra.
 “When she shared in this supposedly safe place how it felt to go to her
locker and then walk through the halls, the other girls’ moms laughed,” Fox
said. The principal said he couldn’t ensure the girl’s safety, and he blew it
off. She switched to another school, where she thrived.
Your child needs to feel safe in order to learn, and if the school isn’t
rectifying a situation, you need to be their advocate. Don’t promise you
won’t tell, and save any evidence. You may even have to call the police.
That said, give schools time to investigate and identify the right
perpetrators. Parents tend to move really fast. As Wiseman said, “If you’re
in a self-righteous temper tantrum kind of place, the only thing that’s going
to happen is you’re going to make the situation worse.” If your child comes
home feeling wounded, it’s normal to hurt for them and feel angry, but start
by collecting data. Is it a passing complaint or a constant source of misery?
Are they consistently targeted by the same child? Are they able to manage
without your interference? Have they tried getting adult help at school, or
filled out a bullying report form?
There’s no need to wait before contacting a counselor or teacher for
context or advice, but take that step before you storm the building
demanding consequences. You might discover your child instigated the
situation, or toggles between being the aggressor and the target. Keep an
open mind and recognize that you may not have the full picture. You don’t
want the right solution for the wrong problem. Trust that educators want to
nip bullying behavior, too. Most of us weren’t the alpha types ourselves,
and we have no interest in tolerating peer cruelty. Plus, one aggressive child
can wreak havoc on the entire climate.

IDEA FOR EDUCATORS

BE THOUGHTFUL ABOUT CONFLICT RESOLUTION

Do some legwork before bringing an aggressor and

their target together. If you force a quick truce, you
might inadvertently reinforce the power of the
perpetrator and retraumatize the other child. Make sure
both students are ready to meet before you do
anything. Talk to the aggressor to confirm they’re ready
 to deliver a sincere apology, and make sure the other
child feels comfortable with the plan. After you’ve dealt
with the situation, continue to monitor the targeted
child’s well-being. The effects of bullying can linger for
a long time.

Travel in time to the future.

Researchers at the University of California at Berkeley found that when
people are able to imagine how they’ll interpret an upsetting event in the
distant future, they experience less anxiety, sadness, hurt, and anger. Ask
your child, “How do you think you’ll look back on this ten years from
now?” Robert Sutton, a professor at Stanford University and the author of
The Asshole Survival Guide, wrote about this kind of mental time travel in
the Wall Street Journal. He explained that it’s a variation on the aphorism,
“This too shall pass.” He told the story of a US Air Force Academy cadet
who was hazed by upperclassmen during his freshman year. The cadet
imagined it was a few years later, he was flying a plane, and the temporary
torment was a small price to pay for accomplishing his goal of becoming a
pilot.
Sutton also suggests creating emotional distance from the perpetrator.
He wrote about a university administrator who copes with bullies by
pretending to be a doctor who specializes in diagnosing rare and extreme
cases of “jerkism.” Instead of stewing in negative feelings, the man tells
himself how lucky he is to find such a “fascinating case.”

Bullies need help, too.

If your child is exhibiting bullying behaviors, it’s just as important to
intervene, whether it’s the first or twentieth time they’ve hurt someone.
There’s good reason to sweat the small stuff. Kids who bully not only
damage others, but their aggression comes at a personal cost. As researcher
Robert Faris told me, “A lot of the behaviors we think of as adolescent in
nature are really the products of the environment. School isn’t like a
workplace where people have jobs, bosses, and subordinates.”
Without a status structure, kids have to work it out for themselves.
Aggressive children may accrue social capital, but there are psychic costs.
Faris pointed out that these individuals have higher rates of depressive
symptoms in high school, and probably in middle school as well. There also
are long-term negative consequences. As Prinstein notes in his book
Popular, kids who focus more on status than likeability and kindness tend to
have higher rates of addiction, hatred, and despair later in life. (I’ll come
back to this idea in Chapter 8.)
Nip the behavior early, don’t let your child make excuses for
pathological behavior, and don’t make the mistake of thinking it’s a phase.
As Borba told me, “Each time the behavior is repeated, it starts to wreak
havoc with their moral compass.” They depersonalize their target, their
empathy levels go down, and they start to view the bullying as acceptable.
None of this will serve them well in the adult world. I exchanged emails
with Kathy Noll, author of Taking the Bully by the Horns, who recommends
asking the following questions: “What did you do? Why was that a bad
thing to do? Who did you hurt? What were you trying to accomplish? Next
time you have that goal, how will you meet it without hurting anybody?
How will you help the person you hurt?” These questions will help them
acknowledge their actions and the consequences of their behavior.
You also can gather evidence and information that points to where,
when, and why your child is being cruel. Do they want social power? Are
peers egging them on? Have they learned the behavior from observing it in
other children or adults? Do they lack the empathy to understand the impact
on others? Do they have anger or jealousy issues? What does the behavior
look like? What are the coaches, counselors, teachers, and other adults in
their life observing? Bullying peaks in middle school, and some children
may view it as a normal way to get their needs met.
If the school contacts you about an incident or pattern of behavior, take
it seriously and work together to brainstorm effective interventions. Does
your child need to be separated from certain kids? Should they join a social
skills group, or watch videos and read books about bullied children?
Perhaps they have a poor self-concept and would benefit from engaging in
meaningful service work. Ideally, any school consequences will involve
making amends, because restorative justice is more impactful than
suspensions. As soon as you’re aware that there’s a problem, start
monitoring your child’s progress. Ask for regular updates from the adults in
their life, then hold them accountable for their actions. You can be loving
and empathetic, yet still firm about your expectations.
Don’t be afraid to intervene when you overhear your child talking with
friends about mean behavior. And don’t count out boys when it comes to
relational aggression. Contrary to gender stereotypes, boys form alliances,
gossip, and make derogatory comments, too. As Faris noted, “Most kids
want to be kind people, but meanwhile they’re waging this coordinated
campaign of ostracism and harassment on social media, and they’re
torturing someone.” Your child might believe the person did something to
deserve that kind of treatment, and you need to explain that it’s never
acceptable or justified. Talk about what it means to be an upstander, and
say, “That’s not what a good person would do.” There’s tremendous power
in the disappointment of a parent, especially if it’s because of a lapse in
character.
Parents may not worry about their child’s behavior because they do well
in school and have plenty of friends, but look deeper. What is the quality of
those friends? Faris told me, “I’d be concerned if my child were super
popular, because it brings a lot of risks, and parents can be complacent.”
For his research, he followed children from sixth through twelfth grade and
found that as they got closer to the dense core of a social network, they
were more likely to bully their peers to achieve status. When they reached
the top, however, they no longer acted aggressively.
“This was an important finding, because it suggests it’s not just sadistic
behavior,” Faris explained. “It’s consistent with the idea that they’re using
aggressive behavior to climb the social ladder.” When they get there, they
no longer need to behave that way. He was shocked by the fact that kids are
far more likely to act aggressively toward their friends than non-friends.
They get the biggest status boost when their targets are high status, or
aggressive themselves, or in their own friendship circle. As a result, your
aggressive child probably lacks close, loyal friends. They can be popular,
mean, and wildly disliked. By definition, they’re occupying a position near
the top and probably have more frenemies than friends.
In the same way that you’d help a bullied child branch out socially,
aggressors need to expand their friend group. When kids feel rooted, they’re
less likely to social-climb or prioritize toxic friendships. You can emphasize
that engaging in behavior for status is ephemeral, but the scars from
bullying last forever. Your child is likely to encounter some meanness
throughout their life, whether it’s in the workplace or in their personal life.
Teach them now that no one benefits from acting like a bully, and no one
deserves to be bullied.

TOP TIPS FOR PARENTS

Never promise your child you won’t tell—they need you as their
advocate.
Don’t interview for pain, and try to manage your own anxiety.
Document everything and understand your school’s bullying
policies. There may be forms to complete. Work with the school.
Find alignment situations that play to your child’s strengths.
Brainstorm a list of real and imaginary advisors your child can
consult in difficult situations.
Highlight celebrities who talk openly about being bullied.
Have kids list their idiosyncrasies and the upside of each trait.
Show how body language can establish boundaries. Identify
problem spots, whether it’s the cafeteria or online.
Help them choose a song lyric or personal mantra they can repeat
to avoid ruminating, such as, “I don’t deserve to be treated like this.”
Don’t assume your aggressive child is fine because they have lots
of friends. Kids who bully pay a price, too.
Intervene whenever you overhear kids planning to do something
mean or talking negatively about a classmate.

CONVERSATION STARTERS

“I can’t ignore what’s happening to you, but we can figure out

together what you’d like me to say to your school.”
“When and where do you feel unsafe at school?”
“Let’s come up with some strategies for when you can’t avoid that
person who’s giving you trouble.”
“I know you feel bad about this part of yourself, but here’s why I
think it’s a strength in disguise.”
CHAPTER 8

COPING WITH GOSSIP AND SOCIAL

TURMOIL

KEY SKILLS

1—Make good friend choices

2—Negotiate conflict
9—Make responsible, healthy, and
ethical choices

“This girl keeps telling everyone I stole her North Face jacket
from her locker. It’s such a lie!”
“I wouldn’t go out with William, so now he’s telling his friends I’m
a lesbian.”
“Everyone is saying I got arrested for shoplifting.”

STEPHANIE CALLAS, A SCHOOL COUNSELOR IN TEXAS, WAS shocked by the

uptick in drama when she switched her job from an elementary to a middle
school. One of her new students, Gina, had been well-liked until seventh
grade. That’s when her classmate Caitlin accused her of hooking up with
Caitlin’s ex-boyfriend. It wasn’t true, but it didn’t matter. Caitlin and her
friends started writing nasty comments about Gina on the bathroom wall.
“They called her a ho and a bitch,” Callas told me. “She was so upset she
started to have thoughts of self-harm.” The more Gina fell apart, the more
attention she got.
Callas told Gina to stop feeding the negativity by dragging friends to the
bathroom to look for new insults. She told the other girls to stop posting
pictures of the graffiti on social media. Gina’s friends kept giving her up-to-
the-minute updates, which made it nearly impossible to end the cycle. “The
mean girls and ringleaders would lie about doing it when I confronted
them,” Callas said. “I felt like I was spinning my wheels.”
Middle school kids are acutely aware of the imaginary audience and
believe they’re being watched constantly. To them, gossip is hard evidence
that they’re being judged. They may feel wrongly characterized, angry, hurt,
or powerless, then isolate themselves socially or refuse to go to school.
Adults can feel as helpless as their child. Parents will ask me, “Should we
get the school involved or would that make it worse? Should we call the
other kid’s parents? How can we protect our child’s reputation?”
Gossip and bullying are both painful forms of relational aggression that
can destroy a child’s confidence and self-esteem, but gossip poses some
unique challenges. There may be multiple parties involved, from the person
who starts the gossip, to the object of the gossip, to the children debating
whether to spread the gossip. Kids’ futures and reputations are at stake
when lies are spread online. When it’s underhanded, a target may be
completely unaware they’re being trashed. Gossip gets altered and
exaggerated as it spreads, and it can be used for any number of reasons. A
child might resort to gossiping to fit in, impress someone, hurt a romantic
rival, boost their own self-esteem, or get attention.
Containing gossip is like squeezing a tube of toothpaste, then trying to
put it back inside. Or like emptying a pillowcase full of feathers on a windy
day, then expecting to retrieve each one. It’s impossible. But parents can
help kids shake off embarrassment, compartmentalize negative social
interactions, and shift to a gentler social group. Here are concrete ways to
minimize drama and get them back on their feet.

Help your child regain a sense of normalcy.

It’s not easy to extinguish gossip, especially when social media stokes the
fire. Former middle school counselor Julia Guillen Williams shared a
hypothetical situation with me, imagining herself as a middle schooler
today. If she liked a boy, and she thought he liked her, too, she might send
him a picture of her topless. He might like her too, she continued, but he’s
thirteen and impulsive, so he pulls out his phone to show the photograph to
his friends at lunch. When they see it, they ask him to forward it to them.
“Even if he’s a straight-up guy, he might feel the pressure,” Guillen
Williams explained.
In a matter of seconds, everything changes for Julia. “I’m suddenly a
whore for sending the picture, it’s everywhere, and maybe it’s been
doctored so now I have someone’s penis in my mouth. And my parents
know, and everyone is gossiping about me, and that’s not even the picture I
sent. It’s so hard because we can’t get it back.” Even adults may not know
how to fix the mess; if they tried to collect all the kids’ phones, the image
could still crop back up on social media. Complicating matters further, the
students may have violated statutes related to the transmission of illicit
images. Most twelve-year-olds are living in the moment and have no idea
about legalities.
Students in Julia’s position may need help returning to school, especially
if they stayed home for one or more days after the incident. Meet with your
child, their school counselor, and an administrator to come up with a dry,
boring statement they can repeat until everyone loses interest. “She can
decide what she wants to say to the first fifteen girls who call her a slut or
say they saw her photo,” Guillen Williams said. “We encourage kids to say,
‘That was a mistake and it’s in the past,’ or, ‘I don’t want to talk about it,’
or, ‘I’m not allowed to talk about it because someone will get suspended.’”
When kids stay in a heightened emotional state, they keep the story alive.
Recognize how painful this is for your child, offer unconditional love
and acceptance, and remind them that no one can take their dignity without
their permission. Consider sharing your own traumatic experiences, too.
That’s what Dara did when kids spread mean gossip about her fourteen-
year-old daughter, Lindsay. “These two girls knew she was recovering from
bulimia, and they kept saying her hands had vomit on them,” Dara told me.
Lindsay retreated to her room to cry for hours at a stretch. Dara told her
daughter that when she was thirteen, kids taunted her at overnight camp. At
dances, her bunkmates would tell the boys that she never flushed the toilet.
“I still remember the boys yelling ‘Yuck’ and running away from me,” Dara
said. “At the time, I thought I’d die, but I got through it. I told Lindsay that
it hurt, but I’m okay, and I know she’ll be okay too.”
Children fare better when they understand that their social status isn’t
fixed. Emily Bazelon, author of Sticks and Stones, shared a personal
experience with me to underscore that point. “I can joke about my friends
‘firing me’ in eighth grade because I’m fine. It’s a painful moment, not the
rest of your life. I wish I had believed that in middle school, because it
would have made the whole thing a lot less loaded.”
When your child comes home feeling raw, don’t criticize or lob
accusations. Give them a hug and listen. When they’re able to engage in
discussion, acknowledge their feelings. Say, “I can understand why that
made you feel terrible.” Then shift to problem-solving mode. Ask, “What
do you want to try?” Let them take the lead, but help them generate a list of
options and don’t back off completely. Tell them not to engage with anyone
who isn’t directly involved in the drama. If they’re angry, hurt, and plotting
revenge, discourage retaliation. Ask, “How do you think that person will
respond if you do that?” As difficult as it is to imagine in the rawness of the
moment, your child might want to resume the friendship at a later date.
Help them keep that door open by suggesting they “take a break” rather
than write the person off forever. Then fight the urge to contact the other
child’s parent. You can’t force another kid to be kind, and the conflict could
get blown out of proportion.
Be mindful that you bring your own issues to the table. Jessica
Donovan, head of Sheridan School, tells parents about the time her best
friend, Jennifer Hale, dumped her in sixth grade. “Out of some miracle from
heaven, the popular group decided that she could be part of their group. I
wasn’t invited and was devastated,” Donovan told me. When she was forty,
she forwarded an email to her father from a realtor coincidentally named
Jennifer Hale. He wrote her back immediately. “Jennifer Hale, that bitch—
we’re not talking to her, are we?” She had healed, but her father still
remembered her old wound. “It’s important for parents to know their kids
can get through these things, and we need to let them let it go,” she said.
Send the consistent message that time will help, and that you believe your
child can and will rise above the drama.
Beyond platitudes, point out to kids that they can’t control how others
perceive them. Teach them to let go of the need to defend themselves or to
restore their reputation. Although they can and should contradict a rumor at
the outset, they can make it worse by persistently and widely denying it.
Ask, “If someone accused you of being an alien from outer space, would
you feel the need to contradict such an absurd statement?” Encourage them
to discredit gossip by moving on to other topics of conversation. As
cyberbullying expert Sameer Hinduja said to me, “Kids talk smack. How
much does it really matter in the scheme of things? People are always going
to hate on you.” He suggests that parents use examples from pop culture,
politics, and sports to illustrate that people who have tons of fans also have
plenty of haters. He’ll reference the singer Taylor Swift. “Look at her body
of work, which is so good. If we’re okay with our decisions and the
difference we make, we have to let people squawk.”
You also can point out that this is a struggle for adults, too. Child and
adolescent psychotherapist Katie Hurley explains, “We’re in murky waters,
trying to cope with political turmoil and ‘fake news.’ We turn to magazines
like Us Weekly and say, ‘Did you hear what happened to Gwen Stefani?’ We
have this feeling in America that it’s our right to talk about celebrities and
comment on what’s going on in athletes’ and musicians’ personal lives.” If
you’re in the drugstore, point out inconsistencies among magazines. One
might claim a celebrity is having a baby, while a second claims she’s
divorcing, and a third says she’s struggling with infertility. As Hurley noted,
“One probably isn’t true, and two aren’t very nice.” She’ll ask her daughter
how that celebrity might feel if she were trying to have a baby, walked to
Rite-Aid, and saw the article. Break down why it’s harmful.

Don’t spread the meanness.

Kids don’t always know how to respond to gossip. Give them the language
to leave a conversation that’s making them uncomfortable. They can act
dubious and poke holes in a snippet of gossip by saying, “That doesn’t
sound true.” Or they can offer a more positive perspective. For example, if
their friend says, “Gina steals makeup from Walmart,” your child can say,
“That doesn’t sound right—Gina has always been really honest.” If they ask
enough questions, the gossiper eventually will lose interest, get flustered, or
run out of lies. A non-assertive child can still send a powerful message by
refusing to engage, even if they have to bury their nose in a book.
In reality, kids often get drawn in because it’s a tantalizing story or
because they don’t want to be left out of the conversation—or cast aside
altogether. One seventh-grade girl told Hurley that the worst part of lunch is
that “the best story” wins. It might be the most hurtful story, or a self-
inflating story designed to elicit sympathy or attention. For that child, lunch
always ended up being an exercise in one-upmanship, so she opted out
entirely. “I tell kids, ‘Think of the iceberg; what you see at the top is only
the part that’s sticking out,” Hurley said. “If you go under the water and put
on that scuba suit, you can think about what’s driving them.” Maybe the
gossiper is lonely, or not getting enough attention at home.
Once kids have heard the gossip, they may not know what to do with the
information. When the gossip is about a friend, it can feel disloyal to keep
them in the dark. Explain that if they don’t want to spread the meanness,
they have to let the rumor die with them. When kids don’t know what was
said about them, they can’t internalize the message. Plus, what others think
about them is none of their business. Eileen Kennedy-Moore told me she
tells parents, “You don’t want your kids devoting their life to tracking down
what anybody ever said about them. Kids will say, ‘But it’s about me, I
have to know.’ No, you don’t.”

IDEA FOR EDUCATORS

FACILITATE STUDENT-LED DISCUSSIONS

Ask students to lead a discussion in homeroom or

advisory about gossip. They can consider a range of
questions: “What’s the difference between benign and
mean-spirited gossip? What can someone do to
squelch gossip, or to change the tone of a
conversation? How can a person disengage when they
feel uncomfortable? Why do people gossip in the first
place? What conclusions do you draw about
classmates who regularly spread gossip? How does
gossip erode the school climate for everyone?” The
 students also can brainstorm their own questions.
Afterward, have them create and sign a social contract
laying out their expectations for one another.

Protect their reputation.

When it’s destructive gossip, social media can magnify a rumor and give it
staying power. Use headlines to help kids understand the potential
consequences. There are so many stories, including one that came out of the
white supremacist rallies in Charlottesville, Virginia. Civil rights activists
identified people they thought had marched, but they misidentified Kyle
Quinn, a professor at the University of Arkansas. Quinn’s life was totally
upended. Strangers threatened him and people pressured the university to
fire him. He told NPR it felt like being chased by a mob.
If your child is portrayed online in a negative light, it can have a lasting
personal and professional impact. According to a CareerBuilder survey, 70
percent of employers look at an applicant’s online presence, and 37 percent
look to see what others have posted about a job candidate. I spoke to Shame
Nation author Sue Scheff about how social media has magnified shaming
and gossip. She advises parents to look at the memes and comments their
kids post, because everything is public, and their online friends reflect their
character. Even if other people post crude comments on their Facebook
page, they can be read. As Scheff noted, “It’s hard to teach that to eleven-
and twelve-year-olds.” To help your child understand the line between
acceptable and inappropriate, go online with them. Point out comments you
think are mean, stay involved, and use any mistakes as teaching moments.
To minimize reputational damage, remind your child not to friend or
follow people they don’t know, or to interact with anyone who pressures
them to share sexual images or disclose private information. Tell them not
to respond to online comments that make them feel belittled, ashamed, or
uncomfortable, and to seek adult help when they’re unsure how to proceed.
“I’m a big fan of blocking,” Hinduja told me. “If someone is a jerk, cut
them out of your life. Kids are hesitant to block or unfollow and unfriend,
but they should just protect themselves. Then report. Social media
companies will get the content down.”
 Parents and schools also can contact officials at companies such as
Instagram, and they’ll remove posts that violate the terms of use. Do
whatever you can to help your child preserve propriety, including
discouraging oversharing. Children are spontaneous, and they chase likes,
comments, and laughs. Remind them that anyone could use something they
say or post to harm them. You can’t count on your child to initiate
conversation with you when they’re in over their head, so talk often and
keep that door open. “Years ago, we had the sex talk, and now we have to
add the text talk,” Scheff told me. You don’t have to monitor every single
text and post (and you probably don’t want to), but spot check them
periodically to make sure your child is making safe and responsible choices.
Ask them to teach you the latest technology as a way to encourage dialogue
about their online life.
The decisions they make online can have repercussions that leak into
their school life. Julia Guillen Williams recalled one student, Jon, who
enjoyed gaming on a public forum with strangers. “One of the players,
‘Boogie Man 5,’ teased Jon about liking this girl Catherine. Boogie Man 5
wouldn’t reveal his identity, and Jon had no idea who he was,” she told me.
Jon worried it was a classmate who’d tell everyone about his crush, and the
possibility of exposure made him too anxious to focus or talk to anybody at
school. In cases like this, enlist the help of counselors and administrators.
Some kids worry they’ll be exposed as a snitch if they seek help, but
reassure them that schools can claim they obtained the information from
“someone in the community.”
Technology makes everything more challenging, but it’s hard to rein in
kids’ social media consumption. According to the Pew Research Center
report Teens, Social Media & Technology 2018, 95 percent of thirteen- to
seventeen-year-olds have access to a smartphone, and 45 percent of teens
say they’re online “almost constantly.” That’s nearly double the number of
kids who admitted that much use in the last Pew report. Meanwhile, the
news is full of stories about pernicious gossip, Internet addiction, increased
suicide risk, early exposure to porn, and wrecked reputations. It’s no
wonder parents are unsure what to do. They may ask whether they should
instruct their child to avoid social media altogether, delay giving them a
smartphone, forbid certain apps, use blocking software, or monitor
everything they do online. They may not feel their child has the maturity to
handle having a computer in their pocket, but worry they’ll isolate them
socially.
There are no easy answers. Regardless of when you give your child a
phone, they’ll be exposed to social media at friends’ houses or at school.
Every child needs to learn how to navigate sticky situations. Present your
child with hypothetical scenarios before they get online. What would they
do if they became embroiled in a malicious text chain, or a friend
threatened self-harm, or they saw doctored photos on social media? The
apps du jour will keep shifting, so teach your child how to behave across
platforms. Emphasize that your family values civility and kindness in all
contexts, and that there’s no such thing as true privacy or secrecy online.
Some parents are mobilizing to delay smartphone use. In Westport,
Connecticut, the “Wait Until 8th” pledge empowers parents to put off
giving their children a smartphone until at least eighth grade. They hope
that by banding together, they’ll decrease the pressure felt by both kids and
parents. Emily Bazelon believes we’ve made a mistake culturally in giving
iPhones to eleven-year-olds. “The danger isn’t stranger danger, it’s the harm
they cause people because they’re not getting the empathy cues you get
from face-to-face contact,” she explained. “If parents can collectively delay,
that’s better.”
Researcher Jean Twenge has studied the connection between cell phones
and teen mental health. She’s written that between 2010 and 2015, the
number of US teens who reported that they felt joyless surged by 33
percent. Teen suicide attempts increased by 23 percent, and the number of
thirteen- to eighteen-year-olds who committed suicide jumped 31 percent.
She has found that the generation of teens she calls “iGen”—those born
after 1995—is much more likely to experience mental health issues than
millennials.
After looking at several large surveys, Twenge concluded that one
possibility for the shift is teens’ use of smartphones and their accompanying
increase in social isolation. By 2015, 73 percent of teens had access to a
smartphone, and those who spent five or more hours a day online were 71
percent more likely than those who spent only one hour a day online to
have at least one suicide risk factor. These risk factors rose significantly
after more than two hours of use a day, and increases were more
pronounced among girls.
 Among eighth graders in particular, those who spent ten or more hours a
week on social media were 56 percent more likely to say they were
unhappy than those who devoted less time to social media. As Twenge
noted in an article in The Atlantic, “Have Smartphones Destroyed a
Generation?,” the reverse is also true. Kids who spend an above-average
amount of time with peers in person are 20 percent less likely to say they’re
unhappy than those who hang out with friends for a below-average amount
of time.
That said, Devorah Heitner, author of Screenwise, says that “thoughtful,
sensible mentorship and staying observant about your child’s mental health
will lead to a better understanding than simply reading headlines and
growing concerned.” When Twenge discussed her study in The Atlantic, she
“stirred something of a panic among parents,” Heitner told me. “It garnered
so much media attention that it seems like more than one study, but the
research cited is far from conclusive. We don’t know that devices and time
spent on them makes kids depressed, but we do know that if kids are not
getting enough sleep, it can wreck their physical and mental health.”
National Institutes of Health researchers are conducting a study to
collect more information, using MRI machines to scan the brains of 11,000
kids at twenty-one testing sites across the country. Early results show that
more than seven hours a day of screen time changes how adolescents’
brains develop, and more than two hours a day lowers their scores on
language and thinking tests.
While scientists collect data, I recommend that parents limit their child’s
non-school-related technology use to less than two hours a day, and lay
down the law when it’s time to power down electronics and go to sleep.
Stay present in your child’s online and offline life, and be attuned to their
emotional state. Make sure they’re engaging with people, whether they play
a sport, join a chess club, or participate in a religious youth group. If
they’ve been the subject of mean gossip, help them reach out to old, trusted
friends. And remind them that face-to-face adult support is always
available. Kids who spend excessive time online may need it the most, but
could be least likely to reach out in person. I’ve started asking all of my
students to silently identify the adult they’d go to in a crisis. Many don’t
understand that peers are ill-equipped to handle big problems. By asking
this simple question at home, you’ll normalize seeking help.
 The silver lining is that targets of gossip often develop skills and insights
that foster resiliency. They may become more adept at choosing a
supportive peer group. The experience also may heighten their empathy or
hone their ability to accept criticism. They may develop a more nuanced
grasp of human behavior and the role of emotions such as jealousy or
insecurity. They may also begin to understand that the person spreading
malicious gossip is probably trying to make themselves feel better because
they either have low self-esteem or want to rise in the social hierarchy. In
other words, the behavior reveals much more about the gossiper than the
target.
Your child also can learn from their own mistakes. Although nothing
excuses relational aggression, self-reflection is never a bad idea. Maybe
they wouldn’t have sent that text or used that app. Perhaps they would have
enlisted an adult’s help before the situation got out of control, or spotted the
brewing problem earlier in the game. If they can take an objective,
unflinching look at their own role, they may avoid a similar situation in the
future. Debrief with them and ask, “What have you learned about yourself,
or about protecting your reputation?” This might be small comfort in the
moment, but they might fare better than the gossiper in the long run. As
researcher Jamie Ostrov told me, “It’s a little counterintuitive, but we know
from longitudinal studies that relational aggression is associated with
substance abuse, relationship troubles in general, eating pathology, and
personality disorders.”

TOP TIPS FOR PARENTS

Help your child flesh out a dry, boring story they can repeat to
decrease interest in gossip about them.
Share personal stories that normalize their experience and show
you can come out on the other side.
If your child shares details about their own or someone else’s
friendship conflicts, help them identify and engage solely with the
core players. Discourage retaliation.
Consider therapy if your child refuses to attend school, can’t stop
ruminating, withdraws socially, cries frequently, loses interest in
once-loved activities, or exhibits changes in eating or sleeping
habits.
Instruct them to let any gossip they hear die with them so they don’t
spread the meanness.
Get online with them and point out comments you think are mean or
gossipy. Stay involved and use any missteps as teaching moments.
Talk about the apps they like and make social media part of your
normal discussions. Limit their use of technology.
Give them lines they can use when someone else gossips, such as,
“Well, she seems to like you,” or, “I wonder if that’s even true.”
Remind your child not to reply to comments that make them feel
belittled or ashamed.
Instruct them to unfollow, unfriend, or block people as needed.
Contact officials at social media companies if you need them to take
something down that violates their terms of service.

CONVERSATION STARTERS

“When you’re ready to talk, I’m here to listen. I’m so sorry this
happened.”
“I can understand why you’re upset. Is there anything you’d like to
try that you think might improve the situation?”
“How would you handle a situation in which someone spread mean
gossip?”
“If someone tried to gossip with you, how could you change the
topic?”
CHAPTER 9

GROWING UP SEXUALLY HEALTHY

KEY SKILLS

1—Make good friend choices

6—Self-advocate
9—Make responsible, healthy, and
ethical choices

“What happens if I put the tampon in the wrong hole?”

“If I ask the same girl out, like, ten times, is that sexual
harassment?”
“I hate the way I look. I don’t like my hair, my skin, my body, my
clothes, really pretty much anything.”

“I DO KNOW HOW BABIES ARE MADE,” MY THEN NINE-YEAR-OLD son, Alex,

told his thirteen-year-old sister, Emily. She ignored him. “Mom, he really
doesn’t,” she told me from the back seat of the car. “You better tell him
before he goes to camp and hears it from older kids.” She was right. I’d
talked to him about love for years, but I must have glossed over the
mechanical piece. I was late to the game. As sex educator and author
Deborah Roffman told me, “If we’re not deliberately reaching out to kids
by third grade, almost everything they learn after that is going to be
remedial.” You can explain sexual intercourse in the service of reproduction
to six-year-olds.
The statistics underscore the importance of talking about sexuality.
According to the results of the 2009 Youth Risk Behavior Survey, up to 20
percent of sixth graders, up to 33 percent of seventh graders, and up to 42
percent of eighth graders have engaged in sexual intercourse, depending on
the geographic location. For many parents, the entire topic feels
overwhelming. By middle school, there are so many components to cover,
including dating, sexual orientation, gender identity, consent, harassment,
and pregnancy prevention. Throw in information about puberty, body
image, self-care, and safety, and it’s no wonder we miss a few details along
the way.
Not long after I got my son up to speed, I taught middle school health
and wellness for the first time. No amount of parenting readies you for a
roomful of curious thirteen-year-olds in varying stages of maturity. To
prepare me, my principal showed me questions kids had asked
anonymously in the past. “How many times can you ask a girl out before
it’s considered harassment? Is it possible for a boy to put his penis in the
wrong hole? What does ‘giving head’ mean?” Well, okay, then. I could do
this. I took a deep breath and dove in.
Since then, I’ve come to understand that middle schoolers want to know
about much more than just the mechanics of sex. They’re also curious about
relationship issues and body image. They’ve asked me questions including,
“How can you convince someone to like you as more than a friend? What if
my crush lives on my street and I’m too nervous to go outside?” A male
student asked me if it’s okay for boys to diet, and a group of girls once
came to see me to make a plea: “Can you PLEASE tell the boys that it’s not
okay to ask girls to take off their clothes?”
Alas, unlike school counselors and sex educators, parents can’t offer
their child anonymity. It’s not always easy for kids to ask questions and
share concerns. And with so much factual ground to cover, you can get
stuck in the weeds and fail to connect with them. To avoid overloading
them with information, consider the broader framework. As Roffman
explains to parents, kids have five core needs when it comes to sexuality.
They need affirmation and unconditional love; information about healthy
and unhealthy behaviors; clarity about values such as respect and integrity;
appropriate boundaries and limits; and guidance about making responsible,
safe choices. At an age when the body tends to mature faster than the mind,
kids want to know what’s normal and what’s next. It can take some courage
to tell them.

Admit discomfort, stay calm, and fill in gaps.

Start by acknowledging your discomfort, then tell your child you’re going
to talk about it anyway. You’ll normalize the dialogue and create a safe
space for them to ask questions. If they say something that shocks you, give
yourself time to process. That may mean talking to a friend or partner first,
or coming up with an excuse to leave the room and collect yourself. Be
authentic and tell them if you need time to reflect. Do your best to stay
nonjudgmental.
The payoff is that your child will turn to you when they need you most.
One of my former students, Nicole, grew up openly discussing sex and
other sensitive topics with her parents. One afternoon in eighth grade, she
engaged in a sexually provocative online conversation with someone who
claimed to be a local teen boy. She told him personal details, including
where she lived. When he asked her to meet him at the mall, Nicole decided
to go, but she told her parents she was meeting a girlfriend. At the last
minute, Nicole got cold feet and confessed her plan. Her mother called the
police, but they never figured out whether the person was a fourteen-year-
old boy or a fifty-year-old man.
Nicole’s mother didn’t overreact, but she explained to Nicole that she
could have put herself in grave danger. She alerted the school to be on the
safe side, and she talked to her daughter about exchanging personal
information and sexual innuendo with a complete stranger. Nicole cried
because she was scared and embarrassed, but she was receptive to the
advice.
While some kids are open books, others are intensely private. They
bring their own issues to the table, whether they’re uncomfortable with their
developing sexuality or have secret fears. One of my students, Carla,
believed she’d get a disease every single time she had sexual intercourse, so
she planned to stay celibate forever. Her parents tried to talk to her about
her worries, but Carla shut them down. When that happens, don’t force the
issue. Give your child space and say, “I can see you’re really uneasy, and
that’s okay. We don’t need to talk right now, but let’s figure out the best way
to get you the information you need.”
In Carla’s case, her parents gave her developmentally appropriate,
factually accurate books about sex, gender, and reproduction to read on her
own time. It’s a method I’ve used as both a parent and an educator. I keep
several books on sex and puberty visible on my counseling office
bookshelves. On more than one occasion, I’ve returned to find giggly kids
racing out. When that happens, I know I’m going to find several books
scattered across my floor. Provide online resources, too, such as the website
AMAZE (amaze.org), which is geared toward ten- to fourteen-year-olds and
features animated videos about sexual development.
Don’t make assumptions about what your child knows. Kids can make
incredible leaps in logic and come to outlandish conclusions. One of my
friend’s daughters believed that horseback riding and bicycling would
endanger her fertility. A sixth-grade student worried that tampons could
travel up through her body. One morning at work, I found three eleven-
year-old girls waiting for me. They wanted to discuss their fears about
getting their period, so we set up a time to talk. They returned with six more
friends. All nine girls crammed into my small office and started rattling off
questions. I really felt for them. They worried that others would know when
they got their period for the first time, and that they wouldn’t know how to
find tampons or pads if it happened at school. They wondered what they
should do if they got their period during a sleepover, or while wearing white
pants. One girl asked, “Exactly how much blood and pain are we talking
about here?” Only two had discussed menstruation with their parents.
This is a conversation you want to have long before your daughter turns
eleven. You can allay her anxiety by talking through different scenarios. For
many girls, it’s reassuring to know they can keep a pad in their backpack
just in case.
Boys also need you to debunk myths and misconceptions. Some are
concerning. A sex educator told me he taught a boy who believed that if he
cleaned his genitals with a medical disinfectant after sex, he wouldn’t get a
sexually transmitted disease. A father once told me his eighth-grade son
was using a stain remover stick to masturbate. “Doesn’t he realize that stuff
is full of chemicals?” he asked me. “I’d never think to spell that out for him,
but seriously? Anything else in his bathroom would have been a better
choice.”
Parents often incorrectly assume their child will make logical inferences.
One mother gave her son detailed information about intercourse, but later
discovered he had no idea what he was supposed to do with the condom
after sex. “It didn’t occur to him that he should take it off before it leaks,”
she said. She realized she needed to break down sex the same way his
teachers broke down big assignments.

Talk about your family’s values.

When Roffman talks to parents, she asks them to list at least five values
they want their children to bring to every sexual situation they encounter
over the course of their lives. Help your child internalize the importance of
compassion, integrity, and respect. Talk about the concept of personal space
and what it means to respect your own and others’ boundaries. Emphasize
self-determination, safety, and honesty, too, because these are the kinds of
values that are violated in a sexual assault. If you don’t share your values
with your children, they’ll draw their own conclusions. It’s a developmental
imperative. As Roffman says, “Adolescence is a time of pushing and
pulling against parents, so you have to know what your parents believe. If
you don’t, you’ll make it up.”
As with any topic, you can share your own experiences with your child,
but think deeply about why you’re doing it. Will the anecdote teach them
how to assess a situation or make smart decisions? Don’t hesitate to draw a
line if your child asks you intrusive questions. You’ll be modeling that it’s
important to be judicious with self-disclosure. You want your child to
recognize the risks of oversharing. If they spell out every detail of their first
heartbreak in a group text, for example, they might end up feeling exposed.
Consider your child’s developmental readiness, too. For example, it
would be inappropriate to share your past drug use with an eleven-year-old
who can’t contextualize the information. That doesn’t mean you can’t talk
about how drinking beer or using marijuana could adversely impact their
ability to make good decisions. Similarly, you can emphasize that sexual
situations should feel comfortable and unpressured without having to
discuss your own sex life.

Take steps to prevent sexual harassment.

When Roffman’s eighth graders wanted to teach fifth graders about consent,
they showed them an image of the prince kissing Sleeping Beauty. They
also showed them nonsexual examples of consent. By the end of the
presentation, the students understood why Sleeping Beauty was incapable
of agreeing to the kiss. Roffman often will weave in metaphors to make a
point. She likes to walk around her classroom, take valuable objects from
kids’ desks, then walk out of the room with them. When she returns, she’ll
ask, “How was I supposed to know that I shouldn’t take it?” Her students
learn that it’s not about the absence of no, it’s about the presence of yes.
The news is full of adult examples of sexual harassment, but middle
schoolers aren’t immune. A 2014 University of Florida survey of 1,300
middle school students found that 25 percent had experienced verbal and
physical sexual harassment. The statistics don’t improve as they enter their
later teens. As part of the Making Caring Common project, Harvard
Graduate School of Education researchers interviewed more than 3,000
young adults and high school students nationally and found that 87 percent
of the female respondents reported experiencing some form of sexual
harassment, but 76 percent of survey respondents had never had a talk with
their parents about how to avoid sexually harassing others.
As a school counselor, I often see kids test out inappropriate behavior. A
few male students once invented “Hump Tag,” a game that’s exactly what it
sounds like. They only got to play that game once. Students also will make
comments about one another’s bodies. One boy kept referring to a
classmate’s breasts as “double eggs.” (He didn’t quite have the terminology
down.)
Every few years, girls will complain to me about boys snapping their
bras. The first time this came up, I had a middle school flashback. In
seventh grade, “Darren” demanded to know my cup size. We were at a pool
party and I was wearing a bathing suit, which only added to my discomfort.
At school, he’d snap my bra, using a ruler for extra leverage. I’d spin
around and slug him, but it never occurred to me to tell an adult. In contrast,
my twenty-first century students are much more sophisticated. A few of my
female eighth-grade students invented a prototype for a “Shock Bra”
designed to electrically stun anyone who touched them against their will.
They were surprised to discover that a twenty-four-year-old female
aeronautical engineer in India had already invented this product in 2014.
Manisha Mohan, the creator, called it “SHE,” an acronym for Society
Harnessing Equipment.
Social media is creating new avenues for harassment. Girls Leadership
founder Rachel Simmons wrote in HuffPost about a fourteen-year-old girl
who pulled out her phone in class to find a Snapchat from a boy asking if
she wanted to measure the size of his penis. And a therapist in Toronto told
Simmons that a male student texted her fourteen-year-old client during class
to ask her to perform oral sex on him in the bathroom. These types of
incidents are not rare. A seventh grader once told me that a male classmate
couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t take off her clothes if he was willing
to do the same thing. “How many times do I need to tell him no? Can you
tell him I don’t even want to see him naked?” she asked me. (I worked with
an administrator to put an end to that.)
When I teach students about consent, they often get bogged down in
legalities. They’ll ask, “Will you get arrested if you’re the one sending the
photo of yourself?” Or, “If you date someone a lot younger, can you go to
jail?” I could spend hours answering these kinds of questions, but it’s more
preventive to teach kids how to step into someone else’s shoes. Jelena
Kecmanovic, a psychologist in Arlington, Virginia, who writes about
consent, explained to me that perspective-taking and increasing empathy
are the best safeguards against sexual harassment. Ask your child, “How
would you feel if someone treated you like that? How do you think your
friend would feel? Or your sister?” Point out the distinction between
emotions, which can’t be controlled, and behaviors, which can be. No
matter how they feel, they can choose to behave respectfully.
As you discuss sexual harassment and consent with your child, don’t
neglect to discuss pornography, which can contribute to unhealthy attitudes
and beliefs about sex, even among middle schoolers. Parents often tell me
there’s no way their child has seen porn, but statistics suggest they may be
naive. In one study, researchers at the University of New Hampshire found
that 42 percent of a sample of 1,500 Internet users ages ten to seventeen had
seen porn in the prior year, with two-thirds reporting only unwanted
exposure. According to the organization Break the Cycle, the average age
of first exposure to pornography is now around eleven. I shared this number
while at dinner with a friend whose son is eleven, and she was dubious. The
next day, however, she sent me this text: “So, you were 1000 percent
correct. A. admitted that he’s seen pornography! Now what am I supposed
to do?!”
In a 2018 New York Times Magazine article, writer Maggie Jones
reported that increasing numbers of teens are using porn as a “how-to”
guide. As a result, teen boys in particular are confused and asking, “Do girls
really like rough or violent sex, or does porn misrepresent their desires?
How could their own performance possibly measure up to what they’re
seeing online?” One teen boy told Jones that he wonders whether girls will
like him if he doesn’t do it like the guys in porn. Several of my male
students were exposed to porn in elementary school when a classmate
shared a link to an X-rated website. Those boys are all in middle school
now, but they were nine at the time. One of them told me, “I really wish I
hadn’t seen it then. I didn’t understand what I was seeing, and it really upset
me.”
After the New York Times article was published, I was deluged with calls
from parents. A few knew their kids were frequenting porn sites, and others
just wanted to be proactive, but they all had the same question as my friend:
“How should we address this issue?” I facilitated a group conversation with
interested parents, and one mentioned that she had set up a firewall to block
access to sites. “When can I stop policing him?” she wanted to know.
“When will he just know not to do that? I know I won’t be able to prevent
his access forever.”
I had to break it to her that she couldn’t prevent his access even then. No
firewall will protect against friends with phones or older siblings. Never
underestimate a thirteen-year-old’s curiosity. And that makes education and
modeling that much more important. Focus on teaching critical thinking
skills rather than steering behavior, and help your child think through their
choices and the potential outcome of their actions.
That means talking openly with them about the differences between
healthy, unhealthy, and abusive behaviors in relationships. (We’ll return to
this idea in Chapter 10.) Initiate a two-way conversation about porn that
doesn’t involve judgment or blame, especially if you know they’ve already
viewed it. Acknowledge that it’s a difficult but important topic. Use these
conversations to emphasize that both partners should agree beforehand to
any sexual activity, and that manipulation and coercion are never okay.
Share how pornography perpetuates misconceptions about sexual
intercourse. Though it seems obvious to us as adults, kids need us to point
out things like, “It’s not realistic that the moment a woman and man meet
they can immediately have penetrative sex for thirty minutes.” Author and
sex educator Yuri Ohlrichs, who teaches at Rutgers Netherlands, told me he
also urges parents to point out that porn tends to portray a one-sided,
stereotypical, heteronormative picture of sex.
As parents, we simply can’t afford to ignore the topic. As Break the
Cycle reports on its website, “Both violent and nonviolent pornography can
make users more likely to support violence against women and to believe
that women enjoy being raped. Worse yet, studies show these beliefs are
predictive of a person being sexually aggressive in real life.”

Address stereotypes and gender differences.

Try to maintain a positive approach to both male and female sexuality.
While it’s necessary to cover issues such as unwanted pregnancy, disease,
and sexual harassment, that’s not the whole story. You also want to address
stereotypes and emphasize that sex should be pleasurable. As Ohlrichs told
me, “Not all boys or men are going out there to have sex as much as they
can. We have to make sure that boys understand that you’re just as much a
man if you’re not experienced sexually as if you are.”
Boys may struggle to admit they’re not an expert, or that they feel
pressured to achieve a certain body ideal. When we think of body image,
we tend to think about girls, but researchers reported in the Journal of Early
Adolescence that middle school boys are suffering just as much—and the
more time they spend on social media apps, the worse they feel about their
appearance. As one seventh-grade boy told me, “The stuff I see on social
media makes it seem like I should be able to get abs in five minutes, but it’s
not so easy.” Tell your son that taking a break from social media can
preserve his confidence. If you provide openings to talk about his
insecurities, you may even prevent problems from ballooning. As
researchers reported in the journal JAMA Pediatrics, parents who neglect
these kinds of concerns raise boys who are more likely to engage in high-
risk behavior.
Address stereotypes about female sexuality, too. Girls throughout the
world internalize the conservative idea that they need to protect their
reputation, conceal excitement, and avoid taking initiative. The Making
Caring Common survey supports this idea. The report revealed that 32
percent of male and 22 percent of female respondents think that men should
be dominant in romantic relationships, whereas only 14 percent of males
and 10 percent of females think that women should be dominant.
Underscore that in the healthiest relationships, partners treat each other as
equals.
Although there are no hard-and-fast distinctions, males and females
might approach sexual scenarios differently. “Boys don’t always understand
that a girl might stop kissing because she’s focused on what’s going on
around them. They might be all green lights and responsive to visual
stimulants, but if a girl hears someone in the house or the boy says
something that reminds her of a negative experience, it’s over,” Ohlrichs
explained. Tell your child that in cases like this, the couple needs to work
together to make it comfortable. You also can explain that if someone is
giggling or nervous, it might not be a positive situation for them.
Girls may put someone else’s needs in front of their own, have trouble
expressing their limits, or second-guess themselves, Girls & Sex author
Peggy Orenstein told me. They may think, “I don’t want to be here, this is
bad, but maybe it’s not as bad as I think.” Prompt your child to think about
the signals that indicate someone isn’t into the behavior. Orenstein often
shares sexuality educator Al Vernacchio’s pizza metaphor. “Sex is like pizza
—you want the other person to like it; it’s a shared experience; and you
negotiate your toppings. If you don’t negotiate your toppings, you’ll end up
with green pepper, and no one wants green pepper.”
It’s not enough to give girls a sense of agency; boys also must learn their
part. Parents need to tell their sons that it’s not okay to pressure girls for any
reason, including to solicit nude digital photographs. One analysis found
that more than two-thirds of girls had been pressured to send explicit
images. As psychologist Lisa Damour wrote in a New York Times column,
“That our focus has been so preponderantly on the sending, not requesting,
of sexts underscores the exact problem we need to address. We accept and
perpetuate the boys-play-offense and girls-play-defense framework because
it is so atmospheric as to be invisible.” If we don’t talk about mutuality and
reciprocity, and not just consent, then we’re abdicating that responsibility to
the media and the Internet.
As we share those messages, be aware that boys are grappling with the
idea that they could be viewed as sexual harassers. They’re asking how they
can avoid crossing the line, and wondering whether it’s just what they say
and do, or if it’s possible to simply look at someone the wrong way. When a
boy at middle school head Rodney Glasgow’s school announced, “I can
look as much as I want,” a girl called him “a future harasser.” Another girl
said, “Well, it depends on what you’re looking at, and in what way.” As
Glasgow told me, “There’s no space for them to process what it feels like to
live on high alert, to be held accountable in a way that they’ve never been
held accountable.”
Make a point of having a serious conversation with your child about
what constitutes sexual harassment. Ask them what they know about
catcalling and related behaviors. Let them know that both girls and boys can
commit an offense, and that even comments intended as jokes can offend or
scare someone. Role-play scenarios, such as how to get help if they’re
being harassed or see someone else getting targeted.
Even if you’re thoughtful at home, schools may reinforce gender
stereotypes. In 2017, a father in New South Wales was outraged when sixth-
grade girls at his daughter’s school were sent to get their hair done while
their male classmates visited a hardware store and went out for a barbecue
lunch. His letter to the principal made international news. He wrote, “When
Ruby left for school yesterday, it was 2017, but when she returned home in
the afternoon it was from 1968. Are you able to search the school buildings
for a rip in the space-time continuum?” He wondered if there was perhaps a
“faulty Flux Capacitor” hidden in the bathroom, adding, “I look forward to
the school being returned to this millennium where school activities are not
divided sharply along gender lines.”
Then there’s the issue of dress codes, which can be lopsided. When sex
educator and writer Karen Rayne’s daughter was in eighth grade, one
teacher repeatedly tried to dress-code her because her straps were too
narrow. “The epitome of creepy is a male middle school teacher telling a
middle school student that her clothing is sexy,” she told me, adding that
blaming girls for their male classmates’ inability to pay attention is equally
offensive to boys. “We send the message that boys can’t control themselves,
so girls have to restrict their identity and movement in ways that are counter
to their identities. Often what they’re wearing isn’t sexual to them—it’s the
school seeing it as sexual.”
In an indirect way, Catherine Pearlman’s thirteen-year-old daughter,
Casey, an eighth grader in Southern California, changed her entire district’s
dress code policy. Pearlman, founder of The Family Coach and author of
Ignore It, said the school dress-coded Casey two days in a row because her
fingers didn’t reach the end of her shorts. Casey had to change into boys’
mesh basketball shorts before returning to class totally humiliated. “If she
wasn’t a distraction before, she definitely was now. Everyone was saying,
‘Oooh, Casey was dress-coded.’” Pearlman already was annoyed by the
double standard. A gym teacher had told the parents at Back to School
Night that girls couldn’t wear yoga pants to PE because “The boys could
get turned on and get erections, and that would embarrass them.”
Casey wrote to the principal, arguing that it was an unfair policy that
disproportionately affected girls, but the principal responded that she had to
adhere to district rules. Pearlman then wrote the principal a tongue-in-cheek
letter inviting her to take her daughter shopping so she could experience the
challenge of her “ridiculously long arms.” She posted the letter on The
Today Show website for parents, and it went viral. “Fifty percent thanked
me, and 50 percent shamed me as a mother, saying I was raising a 12-year-
old skank, or that a better mother would sew her daughter appropriate
clothes,” she told me, adding that not long after that, the district changed
the policy. “They can no longer bring attention to girls’ bodies in ways that
make them uncomfortable. Before, they’d have the girls kneel and call them
distracting.”

Suspend judgment when it comes to gender or sexual

identity.
In the past several years, my students have become more comfortable
identifying as LGBTQ+, and more likely to use the expanded vocabulary
available to them. Fewer middle schoolers are telling me, “I think I might
be gay.” More often, they’ll tell me they’re pansexual, bisexual, or bi-
curious. The New Oxford American Dictionary describes pansexual as “not
limited in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender, or gender
identity,” meaning a pansexual just sees the person as a whole. Bisexual
means they’re attracted to both boys and girls, and bi-curious means they’re
interested in having a sexual experience with a person of the same sex. My
friend Kerri, the mother of an eighth-grade girl, tells me her daughter is
constantly scolding her for using the wrong terminology. She admitted, “It’s
so hard for us parents to keep up.”
But even seemingly sophisticated kids who talk fluidly about gender and
sexuality can be impressionable. A bunch of sixth-grade girls once stopped
by my office to tell me they were lesbians. “You’re all lesbians?” I asked.
One of the girls nodded solemnly. “Yes. We took an online quiz.” This was
a new one. “What were the questions on the quiz?” I asked. There were
only a few, including, “What’s your favorite color?” and, “Do you smile
when you see a pretty girl?” I told them that no quiz could determine their
sexuality. That seemed to satisfy them and they headed to class. One girl,
however, lingered behind. “What if I really am a lesbian?” Kate asked me.
“Like, what if I want to kiss girls?” I asked Kate if she’d shared this
information with her parents, and she said she was thinking about it.
The next morning, Kate stopped by my office. “I told my mom, and she
didn’t freak out at all,” she said. I wasn’t surprised, but I also knew she was
lucky. Some parents may be shocked and struggle to remain calm, or they
may insist their middle schooler is too young to know their sexual
orientation. Try to imagine how you’d react if your child made this kind of
disclosure. You want to be able to respond constructively in the moment. As
Alisa Bowman, coauthor of Raising the Transgender Child and the parent
of a thirteen-year-old transgender boy, told me, “Parents may think that if
they make their child’s life miserable, they’ll somehow turn their child into
something they’re not, but that backfires in so many ways.” If kids don’t
have their parents’ acceptance, their self-confidence erodes and they can
become easy targets.
One of Bowman’s son’s seventh-grade friends doesn’t fit into traditional
masculine ideals, and he shared with her that other students had been telling
him to kill himself. “I said, ‘That’s completely unacceptable. If I were your
mom, I’d be in that school and talking to your teachers and those other
students’ parents.’” The boy was surprised by her reaction. He hadn’t even
told his parents about the mistreatment because he knew they’d be
dismissive. As Bowman said, “As soon as you think who you are is wrong,
you think, ‘Wow, maybe I deserve to be bullied.’”
At the other end of the spectrum, I’ve had some parents tell me they’re
sure their kid is gay and wonder when they’ll figure it out. Alex Myers, the
first openly transgender student at both Phillips Exeter Academy and
Harvard University, met with me in my office at Sheridan School after he
presented to our parent community. He suggests that parents open the door
but don’t push them through it. “Don’t tell your kid they’re transgender or
that they might be gay—let them come to that.” He does recommend
providing an opening. You can say something like, “I heard from the middle
school that a sixth grader came out as transgender. What do you think about
that?” Give them the language, and show them you’re open and positive.
Even supportive parents will make mistakes. It’s important to do some self-
reflection and information-gathering to get to an accepting place. You can’t
expect your child to help you work through it, so join a PFLAG support
group or share your feelings with a friend.
Seek support from the school, too. Your child can connect with an
understanding teacher or counselor or join a GSA (see Idea for Educators).
GSAs provide kids with a safe space to explore their identity. According to
a GLSEN school climate survey, in middle schools with GSAs, students
hear 20 percent fewer homophobic remarks, feel 29 percent safer, and are
48 percent less likely to fall victim to bullying. GSAs also improve school
culture by fostering inclusion and acceptance for everyone, not just those
who identify as LGBTQ+.
Unfortunately, GSAs are still somewhat uncommon in middle schools.
When my former principal, Chris Nardi, and I helped students start one in
2015 at Pyle Middle School in Montgomery County, Maryland, we were
told that only one other middle school in the large district had one. I
recently reconnected with teacher David Peake, the club’s first faculty
advisor. He said, “The chemistry reminded me of the most successful high
school lacrosse team that I coached. It’s a feeling of total trust, shared
purpose, and togetherness.” (I’ll share the student founder’s perspective in
Chapter 16.)
Last year, Sheridan’s middle school principal, Jay Briar, and I realized
that we needed to supplement our school’s GSA with an affinity group.
Several students, including a few who were questioning their sexual
identity, had been asking both of us for a way to connect with other “non-
straight” kids. Briar brought the entire middle school together for a morning
meeting, then sat on a stool at the front of the room. “I’ve only half-planned
what I want to say,” he told them, “but I realized it’s been a while since I
told my personal story. Most of you know I’m gay—after all, I’m married
to a male teacher in this school. But I want to share a personal story that
might help some of you.”
Briar told them he met his spouse at an organized get-together for gay
men in their twenties. “By that point, I’d been out for ten years and was old
enough to have some confidence, but I was still so anxious,” he said. When
he arrived at the church where the meeting was held, he asked a stranger to
pretend they were friends so he wouldn’t have to walk in alone. The point
of his story was clear—he understood how scary it could feel to show up
for an LGBTQ+ affinity meeting. He reassured the students that he
wouldn’t need to ask for parent permission. He also said he’d do his best to
be discreet about meeting times, “Not because it’s a bad thing, but because
it’s a private thing. There will be no announcement saying, ‘Hey everyone,
the gay affinity group will be meeting at noon at table 10 for gay cupcakes.”
Four students approached him right after the meeting to ask if they could
join the group “if I think I might be gay.” As I watched the scene unfold, I
was once again reminded of the importance of mirrors and windows (see
here).

IDEA FOR EDUCATORS

FORM A GENDER AND SEXUALITY ALLIANCE

If your school doesn’t already have one, form a GSA.

Keep in mind that when straight allies participate, clubs
may spend more time on advocacy than on supporting
one another. To address this gap, consider offering
 LGBTQ+ students a designated meeting every month
to talk about more intimate, personal concerns.
Alternatively, create two separate clubs: a GSA and an
LGBTQ+ affinity group. Make sure there are multiple
avenues for sustained support, including the ability to
refer to outside groups, in-school counselors, and other
educators who can sensitively address these issues.

Weave the topic into regular conversations.

Even if you find the whole topic of sexuality awkward, the good news is
that so much in life can be connected to human sexuality. You can find
natural segues in everything from music to sports to romantic comedies, or
draw inspiration from websites with adult-moderated dialogue boards for
teens. At the dinner table, you don’t have to say, “Sit down, I’m going to
teach you about birth control tonight.” You can get to the same place by
discussing health-care policy, contraception co-pays, or news stories about
the changing hookup culture. You also can use the news to pose indirect
questions. If there’s a story about inappropriate locker-room talk, you can
ask, “Why do you think the men were talking this way?” Know that your
son or daughter may be worrying about anything from their physical
appearance to whether their fantasies are normal.
As you lean into the discussion, remember that different ages pose
different challenges. As Deborah Roffman pointed out, “Parents will say,
‘My child used to talk to me all the time and now they’ve stopped, what am
I doing wrong?’” In her experience, more often than not the child in
question is an eleven-year-old girl. “Girls that age can be self-conscious
about their changing or not-changing bodies and pull in. They’re not adults.
They need us, but they’re also looking for increasing independence.” To
earn that privilege, parents can explain to kids that they need to be willing
to engage in conversation when they start new behaviors, such as dating.
Just because your child possesses factual data doesn’t mean they
comprehend it. When they pull information off the Internet, they may think
they’re experts. But even if they’ve spent hours on sites reading about
gender identity or sexuality, they’re still processing like middle schoolers.
They don’t know what they don’t know. Use clear terminology and
recognize that they’re just as interested in the social piece. They may want
to know the normal frequency for masturbation or sex, but they also want to
explore their emotions and insecurities. Your most important task is to stay
present, unfazed, and open to discussion.

TOP TIPS FOR PARENTS

Make sure your child has accurate information. Debunk myths,

whether they relate to sexual experience, consent, or ideas about
what constitutes “normal.” Get a sense of their current knowledge
base.
Talk about your core family values, such as responsibility,
respecting personal boundaries, honor, courage, safety, or
kindness.
If your child says something shocking, take a moment to process
with a partner or friend before reacting. It’s okay to admit your
discomfort.
Have a conversation about pornography, which most kids will have
purposely or inadvertently seen by age eleven.
Recognize that you may misinterpret your child’s comments. Stay
calm and ask for clarification.
Suspend judgment when your child talks about issues related to
gender and sexual identity.
Find ways to raise issues in a way that creates some personal
distance.

CONVERSATION STARTERS

“What are some stereotypes about girls and boys when it comes to
sex and dating? Are there any that bug you? Are there ones that
you agree with?”
“Does your school teach you about sexuality? Do they give kids a
chance to ask questions? Have any of the other students’ questions
really surprised you?”
“Do you think I have a good sense of what you know about sex?”
“If someone touched you inappropriately or commented on your
body parts, how would you feel? What could you do? If someone
did that to someone else, how do you think that person would feel?”
CHAPTER 10

PREPARING FOR LOVE

KEY SKILLS

1—Make good friend choices

2—Negotiate conflict
7—Self-regulate emotions
9—Make responsible, healthy, and
ethical choices

“I think Ari is going to break up with me. Should I dump him

first?”
“If my parents were just going to fight all the time, why did they
bother getting married?”
“My best friend’s bat mitzvah and my boyfriend’s bar mitzvah are
on the same day. I’ve been crying all day because I don’t know
which one I should attend.”

MELISSA, FOURTEEN, HAD JUST BROKEN UP WITH HER BOYFRIEND, and she
couldn’t understand why he had lost interest. I was her school counselor at
the time, and she tearfully asked me what she had done wrong. Had she
texted him too much? Did she embarrass him when she decorated his
locker?
 Whether my middle school students have a crush or need help coping
with their parents’ divorce, they often ask relationship questions. “How do
you know whether someone likes you? Is it possible to escape the ‘friend
zone’ and convince someone to date you?” I grew up on romantic comedies
like Sixteen Candles, in which a love-struck girl rides off into the sunset
with a handsome older boy (who barely knows her name). I absorbed a
skewed version of romance rooted in the idea that lasting love is nearly
instantaneous. I had no idea that love can stealthily grow out of friendship.
The media influences may be different today, but the results are similar.
If we don’t teach our children about love, the outside world will do it for us.
As child psychologist Richard Weissbourd told me, “We spend an enormous
amount of time preparing people for work, but do nothing to prepare them
for love. We’ve created this vacuum that TV, film, and video have filled,
and there are a lot of immature ideas about love.”
When kids learn to have healthy relationships, the impact is far-
reaching. Kids who can navigate interpersonal minefields are more engaged
and productive in school and life. There’s no blueprint for this difficult,
amorphous topic, but the answer isn’t to avoid it altogether. According to
Harvard’s Making Caring Common project, 70 percent of teens want more
information from their parents about the emotional aspects of romantic
relationships, and 65 percent want more information from their schools. As
one student in the report noted, “I think lots of middle schoolers and high
schoolers experience trauma at their first and failed attempts at
relationships, and this needs to be a focus.”
In our culture, we have only one word, love, to describe a continuum of
emotional states and experiences, and we’re equally likely to apply that
word to a middle schooler’s first heartbreak or a couple’s fiftieth
anniversary. Weissbourd told me he thinks that’s confusing and limiting.
“When I said, ‘I love you’ to my wife on my wedding day, it meant
something different than it does now. I may not be vibrantly excited about
her every single day, but it’s dazzling in a quiet way.” If we want our kids to
enjoy the full extent of that gift, we need to teach them how to take those
first giddy, tentative steps toward love. Here are several ways to get the
conversation started.
Give them what you’ve got.
Many parents have wisdom about love but feel insecure about their ability
to advise their child. It’s easiest to model a healthy relationship when you’re
in one, but you can draw on what you’ve learned from good and bad
experiences. Whether you’re divorced, married your first love, or have a
history of choosing the wrong partners, you bring a valuable perspective to
the table. Families and relationships take many forms, and everyone’s
journey will be different. This isn’t about how happily coupled people can
teach their children about love. Think about your relationships that
floundered. Were there warning signs? What distinguished the ones that
made you feel hopeful and happy? Share these observations with your child
so they can begin to understand that meaningful relationships require
empathy, focus, and mutual respect.
As you start to have these conversations, reflect on your middle school
self. What did it feel like to have a crush? Do you recall being shy?
Excited? Embarrassed? I shared my middle school “dating” memories with
my then fourteen-year-old son and thirteen-year-old daughter, and they
were appalled. When a seventh-grade classmate invited me to see a movie, I
was taken off guard. I awkwardly answered the phone, told him I had seen
the movie already, and hung up. The following year, a boy asked me to the
eighth-grade dance, and I didn’t do much better. I initially was okay with
the idea, but then I panicked. When he called to arrange a time to pick me
up, I bailed. My behavior reflected my immaturity, not any intent to be
mean. I clearly wasn’t ready to date anyone. (By today’s standards, I was
unusual. According to an RTI International study, 75 percent of middle
schoolers say they’ve had or currently have a boyfriend or girlfriend.)
Whether or not your child is interested in dating, double down on
teaching friendship skills. Like love, friendship requires kindness,
tenderness, and considering someone else’s perspective. To negotiate
friendship, you need to be able to communicate effectively, regulate your
emotions, resolve conflict, and recognize someone’s strengths and
weaknesses. It’s great practice for future relationships. Help them identify
the traits that make someone an attractive or unappealing friend. Ask, “How
does it make you feel when your friend doesn’t want you to hang out with
anyone else?” Or, “I can tell you really like spending time with her. Why do
you think you feel so at ease when you’re together?” From there, pose
questions that address kids’ ethical obligations to one another. “What would
you do if your best friend was cheating on her boyfriend? Do you think it’s
kind to break up with someone over text?”
You might be surprised by what you learn. An eighth-grade girl, Cora,
once came to see me about a boy who kept trying to get her alone. She
knew he wanted to kiss her, and she did not want to kiss him. She told me
her solution was to carry an apple in her pocket at all times. Every time he
leaned toward her, she took a bite and started chewing. He must have
thought she really liked apples! Cora was proud of her ingenuity and
pleased she didn’t have to hurt his feelings. I was a bit alarmed that she
didn’t realize it was okay to just be honest. Role-play scenarios so your
child can practice potential responses in advance.

Talk about online manipulation.

Emphasize that you expect your child to behave ethically online and offline
with romantic interests. “Kids are falling into relationships way too young
and may practice emotional manipulation in the way they post, share, or
invade digital privacy,” cyberbullying expert Sameer Hinduja told me.
“Even among twelve- to seventeen-year-olds, there’s digital dating abuse
and extortion. Someone can get something compromising from your phone
and use it against you, whether they want more sexual content or money.” A
study published in the journal Computers in Human Behavior found that
nearly a third of middle schoolers reported being a victim of electronic
dating aggression, and nearly one-fifth reported being a perpetrator. The
study also found a positive correlation between electronic dating aggression
and physical dating violence.
Explain to your child that love shouldn’t involve shaming, controlling,
humiliating, or embarrassing anyone. Make sure they understand that online
manipulation can take many forms. It might involve uploading sexual
images of a partner, checking their text messages without permission,
texting multiple times an hour to keep tabs on them, or putting them down
online. Someone might demand that they “unfriend” former boyfriends or
girlfriends, pressure them over social media to engage in undesired sexual
acts, or leave threatening cell phone messages. Urge your child to seek adult
help if they’re victimized in any of these ways. If they’re drawn to someone
who mistreats them, help them talk through any confusing or intense
feelings. Most middle schoolers don’t yet have the tools to tell the
difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships.
At the same time, give them information in a way that honors their
intelligence. They’re making the shift from thinking concretely to thinking
abstractly, and lecturing won’t work. When you engage them in dialogue
instead of talking “at” them, they’ll own their conclusions and be less likely
to rebel against the content. Tell them how you fell in love with your
partner. What were the qualities that you admired? Then ask your child
what love means to them. Thomas Lickona, a developmental psychologist
and professor emeritus at State University of New York College at
Cortland, told me he recommends using relationship advice columns to spur
conversation. Read the question together, but ask your child to share the
advice they’d give before either of you looks at the answer. Don’t be afraid
to debate them, but don’t dismiss their ideas as wrong.

Don’t ignore outside influences.

The media can be detrimental, but parents can use it to their advantage. If
you watch romantic comedies with your child, you can broach relationship
issues without delving into the deeply personal. A misogynistic song or a
young adult novel can prompt a discussion about love and respect. (If
you’re looking for suggestions, the Dibble Institute, which helps teens learn
healthy relationship skills, provides parents with guided questions to
encourage critical thinking about a number of popular teen movies; you can
find them online at dibbleinstitute.org/movie-guides.)
Media literacy is an important skill. Lickona knows one teacher who had
students watch a sitcom and log the number of insults. Afterward, the kids
discussed how the interactions might impact the characters’ relationships. I
often use this strategy at home. My teens love the dating show The
Bachelor, but the whole premise bothers me. A single man starts out with a
pool of about twenty-five beautiful women, sleeps with an assortment of
them, then eliminates contestants in each episode. At the end of the season,
he picks a bride and proposes marriage. When my kids watch The Bachelor,
I yell judgmental comments at the TV. My son will tease me and say, “But
Mom, it’s true love!” As much as I’d like to ban shows like this forever, I
won’t. They kick off too many productive conversations.
Schools can support parents’ efforts by looking for natural segues in the
curriculum to introduce the idea of healthy relationships (see Idea for
Educators). Educators don’t have to wade into controversial territory by
dictating what students should value or by divulging details about their
personal lives. They do need to build their empathy and their comfort with
the topic. I spoke to Julie Frugo, head of Premier Charter School in St.
Louis, about how important it is for teachers to understand what’s going on
cognitively, socially, and emotionally with kids this age. As she explained,
“Yes, they may be twelve-year-olds breaking up with their boyfriends, but
it’s real, in-the-moment heartbreak for them.”
Frugo’s school offers elective courses that dive deeper into relationships
than traditional health and wellness or sex education courses. Students
break down common issues in relationships, such as how to handle a
controlling boyfriend who constantly demands to see them. Teachers can
use games to teach these concepts. Alexander Chan, a 4-H educator in
Maryland, has kids play red flag, white flag. He told NPR that he’ll
describe a romantic scenario to the students, then ask them to hold up a red
flag if they think the partners should break up, and a white flag if they think
the situation can be remedied. Teaching these skills may even lead to
calmer classrooms. As Lickona noted, “Ask any teacher—the disruptions in
the class are never related to the lesson plan. If we can help young people
navigate the minefields of relationships, their engagement and productivity
in school and as adults will be better.”

IDEA FOR EDUCATORS

LOOK FOR TIE-INS IN ALL SUBJECTS

Assign work that encourages critical thinking about

healthy relationships. Don’t limit the topic to health and
wellness or sex education classes. In English class,
students could act out a scene from a play like Romeo
 and Juliet and talk about where things went awry, or
rewrite a scene to produce a happier ending, or
discuss how the romance might have played out
differently in contemporary times. In history class,
students could analyze the role of relationships in a
conflict they’re studying. In science, they could talk
about brain chemicals, hormones, and impulsivity. (As
for math, I’m stumped. If any readers have ideas,
please share them with me!)

The sex talk is important, but it’s not everything.

The last chapter focused on teaching kids about sexuality, but parents need
to prepare kids for the emotional risks, too. Tell your child that heartbreak is
painful, but failed relationships serve a purpose. They can help them
identify what they need from a partner and what they offer a partner.
They’ll also discover that powerful chemistry doesn’t necessarily translate
into good relationships. As Ginsburg says: “Lovemaking might include sex
and heighten the experience, but healthy sexuality begins with simply
caring about someone.” When you talk about love this way, you give your
child permission to feel sexual a very long time before they consider
actually having sex. “They can feel as if they’re growing up just by holding
hands or noticing someone across the room,” he explained.

TOP TIPS FOR PARENTS

Tell your child that you love them and they deserve to be in a
mutually supportive relationship.
If you have a partner, model mutual respect, kindness, integrity, and
generosity at home.
Role-play tricky or ethically murky scenarios.
Use teen or adult dating advice columns, movies, music, and shows
to trigger conversation.
Share your good and bad relationship experiences, highlighting
what you learned.
Explain that heartbreak is a possibility and relationships require
emotional vulnerability.
Remind them not to tease or gossip about a friend who discloses a
crush.
Talk about the importance of basic friendship skills such as
reciprocity, reflective listening, turn-taking, and sharing.

CONVERSATION STARTERS

“If your boyfriend wants to hang out, but you’re busy doing
something else, how could you respond?”
“What would you do if your best friend was cheating on their
boyfriend?”
“Is it appropriate for an eighth grader to date a sixth grader?”
“Is it ever acceptable to lie to a partner?”
“How could you help a friend whose boyfriend or girlfriend is
mistreating them?”
“If you ask a girl out and she says no, is it okay to keep asking?”
“What’s the difference between physical attraction, a crush, and
love?”
“Why might someone be interested in someone who plays hard to
get?”
“What are your friends’ relationships like?”
“What do you like and respect about yourself? How can you respect
yourself in a relationship?”
 LEARNING

“Everyone is getting A’s except for me.”

CHAPTER 11

ENCOURAGING BALANCE AND SETTING

REASONABLE EXPECTATIONS

KEY SKILLS

2—Negotiate conflict
3—Manage a student-teacher mismatch
4—Create homework and organization
systems
6—Self-advocate
7—Self-regulate emotions
8—Cultivate passions and recognize
limitations

“If I don’t get all A’s, I’ll go to a shi**y college, get a shi**y job,
and have a shi**y life.”
“My parents are constantly on me to do this, do that. They want
me to be like Matt or Beckett, but they’re total geniuses.”
“I don’t mind getting an A-minus sometimes, but a B-plus would
kill me. I’m not kidding.”

REBECCA WAS DIFFERENT FROM HER SIXTH-GRADE FRIENDS. She didn’t care
about social status or social media or fashion. She cared about grades, and
she cared about them a lot. By the end of the first semester, she’d become
so obsessed that her mother contacted me, her school counselor. “She can’t
sleep, can’t think about anything else,” she told me. “Every night, she
sleeps on our floor drowning in tears. There’s no way she can sustain this
stress.” Her mother tried to shift her daughter’s focus away from grades, but
the anxiety only intensified.
When I met with Rebecca, she was adamant that everyone got straight
A’s, and that she would, too. She’d come to my office crying on the rare
occasions when she earned a B-plus. This was middle school, and I worried
that the higher stakes in high school would send her into a tailspin.
Rebecca’s parents and I wanted her to keep an even keel, but they lacked a
framework for talking about grades at home. They felt disingenuous
denying that grades carried significance, but they also didn’t want to pile on
the pressure.
Fortunately, Rebecca had time on her side. Using approaches like the
ones I’ll discuss in this chapter, her parents, the school staff, and I helped
her recognize when she was off-kilter and needed to utilize coping
strategies. She now devotes more time to sports, downtime, and spending
time with friends and family. Grades no longer keep her awake at night, and
she knows she can survive the disappointment of earning an imperfect
grade. Although she lives in a community that overwhelmingly emphasizes
achievement, she’s determined to maintain her equilibrium.
Alan Goodwin, who recently retired as principal of Walt Whitman High
School in Bethesda, Maryland, is familiar with students like Rebecca. He
also has seen other iterations, including kids who struggle academically and
parents who worry disproportionately about their kids’ school performance.
Many students start feeling the pressure in middle school, so he’d always
meet with ninth-grade parents right away to encourage perspective.
“Usually, this is the group that’s most concerned about report cards,”
Goodwin told me in his office at the school. He’d tell parents it can be an
adjustment when their child earns their first B, particularly when peer
pressure is involved. Even when parents try to back off, kids may compare
grades, test scores, and numbers of AP classes.
To encourage balance, Goodwin also would try to debunk the myth that
perfect grades are common. At graduation, he’d ask groups of students to
stand, honoring everyone from athletes to musicians. He’d deliberately save
the straight-A students for last. “In twelve graduations, I never had more
than a handful, maybe five students stand up,” he told me. Despite this
message, some kids still worried excessively about grades, and he’d try to
mitigate their stress. Between final exams, they could play dodge ball,
practice mindfulness or yoga, engage in art activities, or snuggle with
borrowed puppies. But even if your principal isn’t like Goodwin, you as a
parent can help your child gain the right perspective about grades, and it’s
critical to set the stage for an easy high school transition when your child is
still in middle school.
Here’s the reality: not everyone is getting straight A’s. Even those who
do won’t necessarily end up at Harvard; there are too many other factors.
As the college admissions process has grown more competitive, parents
have become increasingly concerned about academic performance. Even in
middle school, I’ve observed more parents pushing for higher grades when
their child earns less than a B. They may be worried they’ll fall off an
advanced course trajectory, or that they’ll grow accustomed to earning low
marks. But grades are subjective, and they can be deceptive. Teachers may
inflate grades. A student who takes an easy course load may get higher
scores than a student taking advanced classes. Some teachers may be
exceptionally harsh graders. By acknowledging these inconsistencies and
limitations, you can help your child focus on more important goals, such as
accruing knowledge, determining strengths and interests, and developing a
love of learning.
In fact, hundreds of middle schools are doing away with grades
altogether. Instead, students are encouraged to focus on learning the
material, master a set of grade-level skills, and work at their own pace.
Along the way, they receive regular feedback on their progress. The
approach has its detractors, but the New York Times reported that increasing
numbers of schools are implementing pilot programs.
Even college admissions committees are making it clear they’re
interested in more than grades. Richard Weissbourd, a faculty member at
Harvard’s Graduate School of Education, issued a report that calls on
colleges to change their admissions criteria to emphasize caring for others
and meaningful ethical engagement over laundry lists of accomplishments.
More than fifty admissions deans have endorsed his report, including the
entire Ivy League. Schools still want to see academic rigor, but not at the
expense of students leading balanced lives. We want kids to work hard, do
their best, and learn without buckling under the pressure. It’s tough to strike
that balance. The following strategies will help your child set realistic
expectations and resist perfectionist tendencies.

Foster autonomy and ease performance pressure.

Encourage independence and let your child fight their own battles. Give
them autonomy and the freedom to experiment, problem-solve, self-
advocate, and make mistakes.
Hovering over your kid might help them do better in middle and even
high school, but college could end up being a disaster. They may have
difficulty talking to professors or handling disappointment. Jessica Lahey,
who taught middle school before writing The Gift of Failure, says that it’s a
vital time to begin allowing kids to make mistakes if you haven’t already
started doing so. “They should be starting to take the reins on
communicating with adults about their questions and concerns, advocating
for their rights and their needs, and letting their peers and the adults around
them know what they need in order to be successful, happy, and safe,” she
told me.
At a time when kids are hitting more difficult material and more
challenging social situations, they need opportunities to safely stumble,
knowing their parents will help them do better the next time. “When kids
know mistakes will result in ridicule, unreasonable punishment, or censure,
they’ll be much less likely to talk to the adults in their lives about those
mistakes,” Lahey added. They’ll hide them, deny them, or blame them on
someone else. A study published in the Merrill-Palmer Quarterly supports
this theory—the investigators found that controlling parents create self-
doubting children who hold themselves back.
“What we’re seeing is the same kids who are getting these perfect
grades through school are the ones who are getting undone by anxiety,” said
Ned Johnson, the president of Prep Matters and coauthor of The Self-Driven
Child. He notes that when we tell kids they have to be in the top 10 percent,
we’re basically terrorizing everybody. “Ninety percent can’t be the top 10
percent, and the top 10 percent will be insanely driven and afraid of making
mistakes. Or kids might say, ‘I’m already a C student and have screwed up
my life, so why even bother?’”
If it helps, I’ve never seen a student do better on a test because they
were told the stakes were high. Praise your child for creatively solving a
problem, not for getting a 97 on a math exam. Tell them you’re proud of
how well they collaborated on a group project instead of focusing on the
end result. Pose open-ended questions about their learning process, such as,
“What are you talking about in history?” Or, “Has it gotten easier to share
your ideas in front of the class?” If school is a struggle, point out their
strengths and urge them to look beyond academics for a sense of
accomplishment. Maybe they find science difficult, but they’re unusually
compassionate or resilient. Denise Pope, a senior lecturer at Stanford
University and founder of Challenge Success, has written, “We short-
change these components of a successful life when we overemphasize
grades, test scores, and rote answers. Success is measured over the course
of a lifetime, not at the end of a semester.”
If school is causing extreme frustration, you may need to intervene,
which I’ll cover in more depth in Chapter 13. If there’s no underlying issue,
however, figure out what your child can comfortably handle. Resist the urge
to compare them to their friends, classmates, siblings, or even yourself. One
mother pushed her sixth-grade son to take advanced math against the
school’s recommendation. His older sister had followed that pathway, but
she was a stronger math student. As a result, her son devoted excessive time
to staying afloat in that one class, and the ability mismatch led to constant
stress.
Former middle school principal Sally Selby advises parents to “grow the
tree you’ve got. Be willing for your child to not be in the most advanced
classes in every subject. Show excitement about B’s, not just A’s. Don’t get
caught up in that drive to be top-notch. It’s damaging and driven by fear,
and kids catch that anxiety.” It’s not easy to go against the grain, especially
in achievement-oriented communities.
Wendy Kiang-Spray understands that tension. She feels strongly as both
a mother and school counselor that an overbearing parenting style backfires,
but even she questioned her relaxed approach when she worked in a high-
pressure school. “When parents knew about the paper due next week,
they’d push and push their kids,” she told me. “I was like, ‘Wait a minute,
maybe my kids are going to be mediocre unless I push them.’” She
eventually regained perspective, but that kind of systemic pressure can be
tough for everyone.
Like-minded adults can band together. Psychologist Mary Alvord, the
author fo Conquer Negative Thinking, recalls relying on fellow parents who
shared her philosophy. “My son was a competitive diver and made the
Junior Olympics,” she told me. “The coaches wanted him to practice three
hours a day, five days a week. I said, ‘That’s insanity. He wants to play
lacrosse and do other things.’” She leaned on the parents of other divers for
support. “We had similar philosophies, so we could reinforce the
importance of balance with each other’s children.”
She recognizes that it’s a delicate dance. Everyone wants their child to
do well, but the resilience literature shows that relationships are the most
important aspect of life. Make a point of telling your child that academic
brilliance alone won’t lead to happiness, and be mindful of the messages
you send about your priorities. According to a study in the Journal of Youth
and Adolescence, kids who place too high a premium on academic success
may end up feeling disengaged from school, which makes them more
vulnerable to stress. (I’ll address mental health in Chapter 17.)
Middle schoolers need to refuel as much as you do. Help your child
recognize the signs that their plate is full. Are they irritable or getting
headaches? Do they have time to spend with friends and family, and maybe
take the occasional nap? Help them understand that there’s always fallout
when someone devotes excessive time to any one area. Maybe that kid with
the straight A’s worries about disappointing his parents, or had to give up
sports to achieve at that level. Your child needs downtime and tools to relax,
and that gets harder in middle school. (Suddenly, there are new
extracurriculars to try, homework goes up, and recess often becomes a thing
of the past.)
Give your child some leeway. They may have played soccer for seven
years, but let them drop it if it’s making them miserable. Ask questions that
gauge their level of interest and commitment. You can encourage them to
finish the season before switching gears, but middle school is the perfect
time to explore. You can step in and help them make adjustments if they’re
overscheduled, and remind them that their lives are more than doing
homework.
 IDEA FOR EDUCATORS
CELEBRATE “FAILURE WEEK”
Ivanhoe Girls’ Grammar School in Melbourne,
Australia, has an annual tradition: “Failure Week.” The
teachers all write down their biggest blunders, such as
failing a course in their teaching program. At the start
of the week, the school projects the teachers’ failures
onto a screen in every classroom. The school spends
the rest of the week teaching students new skills,
including juggling, painting, dancing, and reciting
medieval poetry. Then it’s the kids’ turn to risk looking
foolish. The students perform their newly acquired
skills in front of hundreds of classmates in a packed
auditorium. Making mistakes gets normalized, and the
kids grow more comfortable with failing publicly.
Schools can try this exercise, or simply devote a few
minutes of class time each week to share and
celebrate one another’s failures.

Combat perfectionist tendencies.

Even if parents are low-key and encourage balance, some kids pile the
pressure on themselves. Mira, one of my former eighth-grade students, fell
into this category. Even though she was one of the strongest writers in her
English class, she couldn’t get started on the simplest in-class assignments.
When I spoke to her, she told me she was worried she’d get it wrong or
disappoint everyone. Not surprisingly, this was playing out at home, too.
Her mother, Maggie, contacted me because they were battling it out daily.
Mira would erase her work until she left holes in her papers. She wouldn’t
power down her computer until after midnight. As a result, she was
chronically tired and irritable, and Maggie was desperate.
To discourage perfectionism, tell your child you love them for who they
are, not for anything they do. De-emphasize performance and achievement
and focus on them as an individual. Be careful about the language you use.
Are you overly self-critical? When you model self-acceptance, they’ll be
more likely to forgive their own failures. Don’t be subtle about it. If you
forget to fax your boss a document, miss a meeting, or screw up a sales call,
tell them. They need to know you’re a fallible human being and can recover
from setbacks. Say, “I made a mistake, but I’ll do it differently next time,”
or, “I totally lost my place during my presentation, but that happens.”
“I always tell kids to ask parents to tell them their biggest failures,”
child and adolescent psychotherapist Katie Hurley told me. “Tell them
when you got in trouble, when you were most disappointed, about your
worst grade. Hiding that stuff is a big mistake. My kids know my first book
was rejected by thirteen publishers and never got published.” It’s not always
easy for parents to practice what they preach. A few years ago, a father
asked to meet with me. He was alarmed because his eighth-grade son was
waking up at 4 a.m. regularly to do homework. The father, a reporter,
confessed that he often worked in the middle of the night, too. When he
connected the dots, he realized they both needed a reboot and resolved to
set a healthier example. As Jessica Lahey points out, “Parents must model
the same intellectual and emotional bravery they expect of kids.”
At its core, perfectionism is about fear. It’s hard for perfectionist kids to
approach scary tasks with excitement rather than anxiety, so start with baby
steps. Learn a new skill together, such as yoga, and react with humor if
either of you tips over. Have your child purposely misspell a word, then sit
with the discomfort. Small exposures build their tolerance. Your child also
can read biographies about their heroes. They’ll discover that everyone hits
bumps in the road before achieving success. Combat the notion that
anyone’s life is perfect, and emphasize that they need to be tolerant of their
own humanity.
Perfectionist kids need help setting attainable standards. Ask your child
what they’d like to achieve and discuss whether it’s realistic. They may be
so busy shooting for the moon that they don’t give themselves credit for
smaller triumphs. Model that good can be good enough. You can say,
“There’s no way I can finish all my work tonight, but that’s okay, I can
review it tomorrow.” If your child can’t disengage, dictate a homework
cutoff time that gives them time to wind down. Expect resistance and be
patient. Perfectionist behaviors are tough to change because they’re
protective. They help kids cope with uncertainty and give them a sense of
control. It’s easier to hide behind perfectionism than to admit weakness.
If your child catastrophizes, don’t tell them to stop thinking about it.
That can make it worse. Instead, bring their fears to the surface. Have them
close their eyes and visualize studying hard and still getting a C on a
science test. Ask them what it feels like, what they think will happen, and
encourage them to replace negative thoughts with a more helpful
perspective, such as, “No one gets everything right all of the time.” They
may believe perfectionism is the only way to achieve a goal, or that their
teacher will think less of them if they hand in one imperfect assignment.
Ask, “What’s the evidence to support your belief? How would you advise a
friend who felt the same way?” Build their awareness of when they’re
thinking in extremes so they can pull their thoughts back to the middle.
Mary Alvord has kids shoot arrows at a dartboard to demonstrate the
concept. She tells them it’s okay to miss the bull’s eye, but they don’t want
to be off the board entirely. If your kid can’t stop perseverating, try setting
aside a specific “worry time,” such as ten minutes twice a week after dinner.
Consider short-term cognitive-behavioral therapy, too. A therapist can teach
your child skills and help them make connections between their thoughts,
emotions, behavior, and physiological feelings.

TOP TIPS FOR PARENTS

Challenge perfectionist tendencies, and don’t compare your child to

their peers, siblings, or even yourself.
Don’t just celebrate their A’s; emphasize that no one is a perfect
student.
Band together with other parents who share your philosophy, and
reinforce the importance of balance and relationships when talking
to one another’s kids.
Model practicing good self-care, and help your child recognize the
signs that they’re out of whack.
Tell your child when you screw up (or about past failures).
Give them small exposures to failure, whether they purposely
misspell a word or leave a typo in a paper.
Demonstrate that there’s humor in imperfection by laughing when
you tip over in yoga class or show up for the wrong work meeting.

CONVERSATION STARTERS

“Do you feel like you have enough downtime to see your friends and
have fun?”
“Close your eyes and visualize studying hard for a math test and still
getting a C. How does that feel? What do you think might happen?”
“What’s the worst that could happen if you hand in an imperfect
assignment? What’s your evidence that that would happen?”
CHAPTER 12

TACKLING HOMEWORK

KEY SKILLS

3—Manage a student-teacher mismatch

4—Create homework and organization
systems
6—Self-advocate
8—Cultivate passions and recognize
limitations

“I do my homework; I just forget to hand it in.”

“I know I should see my teacher for help at lunch, but I just want
ten minutes with my friends.”
“I can’t memorize anything. It’s like there’s a hole in my brain
where everything falls out.”

MY FRIEND NIKKI WAS FRUSTRATED. HER DAUGHTER KIRSTEN, a rising

eighth grader, had just finished her summer reading requirement. She
needed to summarize the novel, and Nikki urged her to write the paper
while the details were still fresh. “It’s June, Mom,” Kirsten said. “School
starts after Labor Day. I can get to it later.” Nikki wondered whether she
should push the issue. “I want her to develop good study habits, but she’s so
lazy,” she told me.
Peg Dawson, a psychologist and author of Smart but Scattered, told me
she often has to reassure parents that it’s way too early to worry about their
child’s work ethic. “Task initiation is the hardest skill to master, and future
orientation doesn’t kick in until tenth or eleventh grade,” she explained.
“For parents, it seems simple, but a thirteen-year-old brain is thinking, ‘I
don’t have to do it now, so why should I?’” Children deal in the now.
Nikki and Kirsten agreed to conduct an experiment instead of battling it
out. On a scrap of paper, Nikki scribbled what she thought would happen if
Kirsten waited until August to write her essay. She predicted that Kirsten’s
work quality would be low, that she’d struggle to recall the novel, and that
she’d wish she’d done the work earlier. Her predictions weren’t that far off.
Kirsten admitted she was foggy on the plot, but said she felt okay handing
in imperfect work. “I had a good summer with my friends, and I didn’t
spend it obsessing over some dumb paper.” Parents may have an agenda,
but middle schoolers do, too. As Dawson told me, “They’re navigating a
much more complicated social world, and from a human development
perspective, that’s probably as important as any academic task.”
Beyond the social piece, there can be any number of reasons that kids
are homework avoidant. They may shut down because they’re discouraged,
fail to see the relevance to their life, feel paralyzed by pressure, or prefer
gaming or texting. Some kids may struggle with comprehension, reading,
organization, or motivation. Others may be trying to get attention from busy
parents, or are tired because they’re on social media when they should be
sleeping. All of this can lead to epic battles at home, complete with
screaming and slamming doors.
One parent told me her sixth-grade son prefers the “duck and hide
method.” When she asks him to do his homework, he slides under the
couch. “It’s his go-to response,” she said. “It’s his way of asserting, ‘I don’t
hear you or see you, so this isn’t happening.’ When he does that, I know it’s
going to be a rough night.”
Homework is about control. As education consultant Rick Wormeli told
me, “Kids this age want a voice, and many would rather have the reputation
of being forgetful or irresponsible than actually admit they don’t know what
they’re doing. It’s a form of self-preservation in terms of ego, dignity, and
energy.” It’s not easy to foster kids’ autonomy and lower their frustration
while preserving the parent-child relationship. You need to be patient and
willing to experiment. While there’s no one-size-fits-all solution, here are
several strategies you can test.

Give kids a sense of agency, but help them set routines.

You won’t win if you engage in power struggles, but that doesn’t mean you
should back off entirely. You can give your child choices, encourage self-
advocacy, and set expectations. Options can be simple. Allow them to
choose whether they want to work before or after dinner, or if they prefer to
contact a teacher through email or meet in person. Kim Campbell, an
eighth-grade global studies teacher and educational consultant for the
Association of Middle Level Educators, told me she urges parents to
“inspect what you expect.” If your child promises to connect with a teacher
on their own, they need to know what will happen if they don’t follow
through. You can say, “I’m going to contact the teacher if you don’t go in
for extra help by the end of the week.”
If you do nothing else, try to prevent the formation of bad habits. Kids
may not do homework at all, inefficiently bounce between social media and
studying, or start their work at midnight. This might mean working together
to devise an after-school homework schedule with built-in breaks,
prohibiting them from keeping their cell phone in the bedroom, or ensuring
they get adequate rest. Developmentally, middle schoolers need help with
planning, organization, and time management. While each child is unique,
most can’t break down complex multistep homework assignments or
anticipate how today’s work product will impact long-term goals.
The transition to high school can be a little smoother than the transition
to middle school, because your child has started to figure out how they
work best. At eleven, it’s all new and they may not know how to handle the
academic demands. That said, every middle schooler is different. One child
might need to complete their homework in the kitchen with a parent nearby,
while another can work independently in her bedroom. Some kids can
remember tasks such as packing a lunch or bringing in gym clothes, while
others need to consult checklists. One kid might have a squeaky-clean
backpack, while another needs help purging old papers and last week’s
lunch bag.
Despite their differences, all kids thrive on routine. “I tell parents that
the perfect intervention is something that only takes five minutes a day, but
you’re willing to do it every day,” Dawson told me. “With my kid, I’d say,
‘You have ten algebra questions, how long do you think it will take?’” Over
time, her son learned to independently run through a daily mental checklist.
Learning how to get help from a teacher is a process. Some kids are
comfortable popping in for help during homeroom or homework club, while
others need their parent to send a note to teachers requesting a check-in.
Some kids will independently send an email asking for clarification, while
others need help with the task. You can help your child develop self-
advocacy skills by modeling how to do it, then incrementally pulling away
support.
If you need to send the email yourself, have your child sit with you and
watch you write it. A sixth grader may need help with email etiquette. If
they’re used to texting with friends, they may not see the value in saying
“thank you” or including a salutation. By eighth grade, children should be
able to send a respectful note on their own. To facilitate that progression,
don’t go to bat for them unless there’s no other option. Let them take
ownership of problem-solving, whether they need extra time on an
assignment or help preparing for a test. As your child takes on more
responsibility, back away. You boost their confidence by communicating, “I
believe you can do this on your own.”
While they’re working on building independence, monitor their
technology use. Remove their phone while they study, whether you have
them check it into a basket, seal it in an envelope, or place it on a high
shelf. Research supports this approach. A study in the journal Social
Psychology showed that when people had their phones in view, they made
more errors on two demanding tests of attention and cognition than subjects
whose phones were not in view, even when they were turned off. Another
study in Applied Cognitive Psychology found that students who didn’t bring
phones to class scored a full letter grade higher than those who had phones
on hand. The students scored equally poorly whether or not they actually
used their phones.
In 2010, researchers examined the effect of interrupting students while
they studied. They sent one group of students a series of instant messages
while they read a chapter and prepared for an exam. Those students not
only took longer to complete the reading, but they also experienced more
stress. As the researchers reported in the journal Computers and Education,
“Students who are managing busy lives may think they’re accomplishing
more by multitasking, but our findings suggest they’ll actually need more
time to achieve the same level of performance on an academic task.”
Technology does offer some advantages, and there may be times it
makes sense to connect the phone to learning, such as when they want to
study with friends online. They can use apps to make flash cards, break up
units into simpler exercises, brainstorm ideas for essays and stories, practice
math problems, design planners, or learn languages.

Spruce up the study experience.

Kids see studying as dull, but parents can enhance the experience. Let your
child pick out their own colorful notebooks and decorate them. Ana
Jovanovic, a psychologist and coach at Nobel Coaching, an online tutoring
service, told me she has kids name their planner to make it harder to reject.
It also injects a little fun and silliness into the process. They’ll say, “What
do I have to do today? I should ask Jake.” Keep the study space well-
equipped, but make sure it isn’t visually distracting.
Your child might want to choose special study attire to set the mood for
studying, such as a “learning hat” or a pair of glasses. Have them wear the
designated item for homework, but remove it when they take a break.
Researchers at Northwestern University found this technique works for
adults, too. When subjects in white lab coats were told they were wearing
doctors’ coats, they were more focused than those who were told they were
wearing painters’ coats. Similarly, in a study published in the journal Child
Development, researchers found that young children persevered longer at a
task when they pretended to be a superhero.
Rewards incentivize many kids, but middle schoolers work best when
they’re immediate. “You earn them when you do your homework for a
week, not a quarter,” Kim Campbell said. “Some parents say you have to
get all As for the semester, but long-term goals don’t work.” The payoff can
take many forms, from point systems to stickers to going out for ice cream.
Kids should choose something small and meaningful. Even adults like to
work on a reward system. I spoke to Jennifer Goodstein, a sixth-grade
teacher and executive functioning coach, who said, “At Weight Watchers, if
you go to eleven out of thirteen meetings, they give you a sticker and an
extra charm. If adults are still being incentivized by stickers and charms,
you can do it with an eleven-year-old.”
One parent asked me if it was appropriate to offer $500 for straight A’s. I
discourage the practice. This may lead to a small initial surge in
performance, but it’s not a good long-term strategy. Your child won’t feel
responsible for their own learning, will likely lose enthusiasm for
academics, and may start to expect regular payouts. And, as we discussed in
Chapter 11, straight A’s aren’t always an ideal or healthy goal in their own
right. Instead, focus on their perseverance and good habits.

Let school be the bad guy.

When homework becomes adversarial, parents may need to walk away and
contact the child’s teacher, counselor, or another trusted adult in the school.
Goodstein told me she tells parents that if their child is melting down, they
should stop immediately and write her an email. “We can be the bad guys
and say, ‘Okay, Brendan, you were fighting with your mother, so you’re
going to do the work here at school.’” She’ll create a schedule so the child
can get help from teachers.
Many middle schools also offer after-school homework support, which
can be a good option if things get toxic. If your child resists homework
club, you can use it as a negotiating tool and say, “Fine, if you complete 85
percent of your homework without a fight, then you can study at home
again.” There’s a fine line between supporting kids and hindering their
autonomy. Goodstein faces this challenge with her eleven-year-old son,
Justin, who’s easily frustrated. “I’ll quiz him or help him understand
directions,” she said. If he doesn’t understand a concept, however, she’ll tell
his teacher he needs more examples. She doesn’t micromanage the quality
of his work. “If he writes two sentences when I think he should write five,
and he says that’s all the teacher wants, that’s her job to pull that from him.”
Remember that teachers know what’s typical output for a middle
schooler. You may think your child’s book report is superficial or too short,
but it may be completely age-appropriate. Let the school deal with quality
control and accountability. I get that this can be tough. It’s challenging to
keep the big picture in mind, but at some point, your child will need to
know how to follow through, manage their time, take ownership of their
work, and clarify expectations. These skills are as important as any grade
they’ll earn.

IDEA FOR EDUCATORS

HOLD A TEAM MEETING

When a student isn’t coming to class prepared,

convene a meeting with their teachers and parents.
You may discover that one teacher is taking a different,
more effective approach, or that issues at home are
impeding concentration. I once learned at a team
meeting that a child lived with a parrot that talked
nonstop while he tried to work. Brainstorm solutions as
a group. For example, teachers may need to check the
student’s planner at the end of each class, or parents
may need to find the child a quieter place to study. If
there’s a high level of conflict over homework at home,
teachers can take the lead. Put systems in place, such
as setting up regular times when the child meets with
all of their teachers. The team also might decide to
mandate homework club or a supervised study hall.

Evaluate and modify homework.

When a student expresses disdain for homework, it may not be appropriate,
interesting, or sufficiently complex. If it covers material that wasn’t covered
in class or doesn’t further understanding, parents may need to touch base
with the teacher. “My older son was assigned a diorama, and he wasn’t
good with fine motor skills, so we battled,” Rick Wormeli recalled. He
realized the assignment had more to do with suspending things from the
ceiling of a shoebox than science, so he contacted the school. “Parents have
every right to say to a teacher, I’m not seeing the connection between
practice and subsequent understanding,” he told me.
Children won’t engage or improve when homework is drudgery.
Wormeli tells parents, “Trust that your child wants to find purpose,
meaning, and connection. When all three of those are happening, homework
isn’t a big deal. Ninety-five percent of all the input that goes into the young
adult brain goes to emotional response centers first, not cognitive storage.”
To increase relevance, you can modify homework, often with a teacher’s
blessing. You can say to the teacher, “I took the math assignment and
related it to baseball statistics, or election debates,” or anything else that
resonates for your child. Kids are interest-based learners, so help them
make connections by going on field trips, visiting museums, watching
documentaries, or doing related experiments.
You also may need to ask the teacher to break down the homework into
smaller pieces, or chunk it yourself. If your child struggles with directions,
try building their confidence by letting them take the lead on fun online
projects with multistep instructions. Then, when they complain that
homework is too hard, you can remind them that they were able to build a
robot or fold an origami giraffe. If they still hit a wall, it’s time to get up
and move. When Campbell sees that kids are falling asleep in class, she’ll
have them do twenty jumping jacks or pretend they’re in the ocean and
need to swim away from sharks as fast as they can.
Movement also is valuable before starting homework, whether your
child attends sports practice or goes on a bike ride. If they need a mental
break while working, try a simple mindfulness activity, such as blowing
bubbles using controlled breathing. Whatever you do, don’t do the work for
them. Teachers know when parents have taken over. Plus, as Wormeli says,
“What’s the greater gift we can give our kids, that they learn it and it goes
into long-term memory, or that they get a false sense of competency?”

Name the negative voices and make it safe to stumble.

Your child might feel incompetent in one area and successful in another.
Train them to notice and name any defeatist voices. For example, if they
feel confident about their athleticism but insecure about their math abilities,
have them name the negative and positive voices. Maybe they become
Mike and Jon. Ana Jovanovic tells parents to then say, “It’s not you, it’s
Mike causing you problems.” Ask them a series of questions: “What does
Mike need to feel more comfortable? How would Jon advise Mike? Can
you bring Jon the next time Mike is having trouble with homework?”
By depersonalizing the struggle, your child can focus on solutions. They
might realize that Mike needs to see a teacher after school. Role models can
perform a similar function. Have your child list several people they relate to
and admire, whether it’s a professional athlete, musician, or inspirational
fictional character. Later, when the child is having trouble, you can ask,
“What do you think LeBron James would do?”
Don’t let your child off the hook too easily. Make it safe to stumble, but
challenge them if they say they can’t do something before they’ve even
tried. Say, “Convince me that you can’t do it. Give me two examples where
you failed at this. What would have to be different for you to be able to do
the task?” If your child truly is struggling, say, “So what?” and talk about
the value of learning through trial and error. You can use movies to make
this point. In Meet the Robinsons, one character is brilliant but feels stuck in
failure. By the end, he realizes that every mistake he’s made has led him to
the life he wants to live. The movie Inside Out talks about the importance of
appreciating negative emotions. For example, sadness might motivate a
child to reach out for help.
When parents teach kids to manage uncomfortable emotions, it helps
them develop grit, a character trait they need to stick with difficult tasks.
Grit also can help your child maintain a growth mind-set, Stanford
psychologist Carol Dweck’s idea that intelligence isn’t fixed and people
aren’t born “smart or dumb.” Kids with a growth mind-set believe they can
learn more or become smarter if they work hard. To foster that attitude,
focus on effort more than results.
It’s hard for kids to work through obstacles such as bombing a test, not
clicking with a teacher, or deciphering a difficult assignment. Look for
telltale signs of dejection. A teacher may say they filled in a worksheet with
gibberish, or your child may tell you her homework is stupid, or that the
teacher never shares her projects because “Everyone else is so much
smarter.” Children have many different ways of expressing, “This is hard. I
feel like giving up.” It can feel safer and even sensible to goof off or check
out. When your child hits a low, take a break, lighten the mood, and remind
them that they simply haven’t mastered something yet.

TOP TIPS FOR PARENTS

Try to figure out what’s at the root of the homework problem. Does it
feel irrelevant? Is your child disorganized? A perfectionist? Do they
struggle with task initiation? Spend too much time online?
Figure out where they’re most efficient. For some kids, that will be
by your side at the kitchen table, while others can disappear to their
room.
Spruce up the study experience. Have them wear “learning attire”
that sets the mood, and ask them to name and decorate their
planner. Clear the study space of distractions.
Build in breaks, whether they do a mindfulness exercise or go for a
bike ride.
If homework time is high-conflict, let the school intervene.
Teach your child to self-advocate by providing scaffolding.
Small, meaningful rewards are okay, but don’t pay kids for earning
good grades.
Choose one five-minute ritual you can do consistently to reinforce
good habits.
Instill a growth mind-set by reminding them that they simply haven’t
mastered a skill yet.

CONVERSATION STARTERS

“You seem stuck. How can I help?”

“Let’s figure out a homework schedule. What do you think would
work best for you?”
“I can see you’re frustrated. Why don’t you plan to ask your teacher
for help. Do you want to email her or go in to see her tomorrow
morning?”
“You’re too upset to concentrate at the moment. Do you want to take
a break?”
CHAPTER 13

INTERVENING WHEN SCHOOL IS A

STRUGGLE

KEY SKILLS

2—Negotiate conflict
4—Create homework and organization
systems
6—Self-advocate
8—Cultivate passions and recognize
limitations

“My teacher says I ask too many questions, but I have no idea
what she wants us to do.”
“Math tests make me freak out and forget everything.”
“I’ve tried chewing gum, playing with mind putty, and doodling,
but nothing works. I just can’t sit still.”

BRIAN AND DANIEL RACED DOWN THE SIXTH-GRADE HALLWAY scribbling on

anyone they could ambush with Sharpies. By the time they got hauled into
the main office, they were covered in ink. The principal let them have it,
then paused to answer his phone. That was when Brian noticed the stamp.
By the time the call was over, Brian had branded Daniel’s forehead with the
words, “From the Desk of Principal Brent.”
Brian had been impulsive in elementary school, but sixth grade brought
bigger challenges. He buckled under the pressure of multiple classes,
increased homework, and no recess. Within months, a school psychologist
diagnosed him with attention deficit disorder, and the special education
team gave him a Section 504 Plan (a civil rights statute) to help him meet
academic and behavioral expectations. His formal accommodations
mandated that teachers break down his assignments, check his planner, and
build in movement breaks. Brian’s parents, who called their son “a ping
pong ball on nitroglycerine,” were relieved to have a plan. That was several
years ago. Brian is now in college, and there’s little evidence of the twelve-
year-old boy who ambushed classmates with pens and left his homework in
the freezer. He’s figured out how to address his weaknesses, from setting
calendar reminders to using checklists.
Parents often meet with me when their child is struggling academically,
behaviorally, or emotionally. They have questions that range from the
logistical to the personal. “Should they consult with a professional or give it
time? How can they know if their expectations are realistic? Would a
diagnosis kill their child’s self-esteem?”
Trust your instincts and intervene when your child’s grades decline, they
resist going to school, their eating or sleeping patterns change, or their
friends ditch them. Don’t wait for problems to balloon. Research shows that
identifying learning, attention, or emotional issues early can improve a
child’s outcome, says Dr. Howard Bennett, a pediatrician in Washington,
DC, and the author of The Fantastic Body. That said, children grow and
develop at different rates, and there’s no one right time to intervene. There
may be no set rules, but there’s an art to supporting your kid sensitively and
partnering productively with their school. As you embark on the journey to
identify and address issues, here’s how you can support and empower your
child.

Treat your child as the expert, but interview others.

“Most questions delivered to kids are really accusations with a question
mark at the end,” educator Ned Johnson told me. It’s more effective to act
like a calm, curious observer than to ask, “Why did you do that?” Say, “Do
you think this is harder for you than other students? Are you the last one
done on a test?” Debrief at the end of each day, and ask what went well and
what went poorly with a specific class or assignment.
Keep a log so you can identify patterns, and speak to more than one
person at the school, such as a counselor and a teacher. Coaches, neighbors,
and partners also can help you determine how concerned you should be.
Parents might discover that symptoms or behaviors change depending on
the classroom setup, the skills required in a specific class, or the teacher’s
behavior management skills. Melanie Auerbach, director of Student
Support at Sheridan School, points out that the teacher-child relationship
also can play a big role. “If the teacher is highly distractible and the student
likes to rap his desk with his knuckles, that’s not going to be a good
combination. Testing makes sense when there’s been a persistent and
chronic issue across settings, as opposed to situational behavior.”
Partner with the school, and be as specific as possible so the team can do
a thorough and accurate record review. Amanda Morin, author of The
Everything Parent’s Guide to Special Education, recommends saying, “My
child isn’t reading at grade level, he’s struggling to assimilate information,
and English causes more outbursts than math.” Provide work samples, any
diagnostic information, and relevant historical data.
Parents can play the role of facilitator. Morin’s son got an IEP
(individualized education plan) for self-regulation issues when he was nine,
but his struggles escalated when he hit middle school. “He had difficulty
with different teacher personalities,” she told me. She shared insights about
her son with the school, then helped her son understand his teachers’
expectations. A parent may need to explain, “Mrs. Smith isn’t mad at you,
she’s mad near you.” The teacher might be upset about the overall
classroom dynamic, but a sensitive child might assume that the teacher
doesn’t like them.
Building empathy and understanding is more productive than firing off
accusations or making demands. Ann Dolin, founder of Educational
Connections Tutoring, suggests that parents use “I” messages, such as
saying, “I’ve noticed that even with my help, Jimmy is spending four hours
on homework,” rather than, “You’re giving Jimmy assignments that are too
hard.” (“I’ve noticed” is a particularly helpful phrase.)
 Be deliberate in how you communicate. Middle school principal Chris
Nardi tells parents and educators to pick up the phone or meet in person
whenever an email exceeds a paragraph. He recently emailed his son’s
teacher with a concern. When her response was terse, he knew there was a
disconnect. “I said, ‘Can we go offline and talk, because I think we’re
misinterpreting our tones?’”
“Everyone wants to do what’s best for your child, so just call a teacher
or counselor and share your concerns,” he told me. “Ask, ‘Can you help me
understand? This is what my child told me; is it accurate? Should he be
spending three hours on homework?’” He gives the same advice to staff. “I
had a teacher once hand me a six-paragraph email he planned to send to a
parent. I told him, ‘This is a great guide for you to use during your phone
call.’”
Go to any meeting with an open mind. Educators see hundreds of kids,
so they have a different perspective about what may or may not be
problematic. Always schedule a follow-up to the initial conversation to
assess your child’s progress. At every step of the way, make sure you
understand the special education process and your rights. Section 504 and
IEPs are legally binding, and parents are equal participants on the team by
law. The forms are living, breathing documents that need to be reassessed
and updated regularly. Parents who feel overwhelmed or alone can find
resources and an online community at www.understood.org. Parent Center
Hub (www.parentcenterhub.org) will connect parents with local, in-person
support groups.
Informed, proactive parents can make all the difference. One in five
children has a learning or attention issue, but only a small subset receives
specialized instruction or accommodations. This may reflect educators’
uncertainty about the identification process. Understood, a nonprofit
initiative dedicated to supporting parents of kids with learning and attention
issues, commissioned a poll of classroom teachers in 2014. The
organization found that 61 percent were somewhat or not very confident
recommending that a child be evaluated for special education for learning
issues.
 IDEA FOR EDUCATORS
BE DELIBERATE WHEN IT COMES TO ACCOMMODATIONS
When an educational team writes a 504 Plan or IEP, or
implements informal accommodations, team members need
to regularly assess whether the supports are working. They
need to spend an equal amount of time determining whether
the supports are overkill. As students make progress, tweak
the accommodations to bolster their emerging independence.
For example, if a student with test-taking anxiety starts out
taking exams in a separate room, the long-term goal should
be that they take tests in class with their peers. Consider
incremental steps, such as having them take the test in the
same room, but positioned in a way that makes them less
aware of other kids flipping pages. Slowly expose them to
the stressor and build their sense of competency. There’s no
need to wait for an annual review—educational plans are
living documents that can be updated at any time.

Identify the right issues.

Kids with specific learning disabilities can have attention issues, and
children with attention issues can have anxiety. Issues can overlap and co-
occur, and answers aren’t always obvious. Parents might think their child is
anxious because math is a struggle, but math might be hard because of their
anxiety. Ella Tager, a seventh grader who was diagnosed with dyslexia in
first grade, notes that she has symptoms that are typical of someone with
attention deficit disorder. “Sometimes I need to move to process the
frustration of not knowing what’s going on,” she told me. “It gives me time
to get unstuck.” The right strategies and interventions will vary by child and
change over time.
Children with learning issues may struggle with peers. “If your child has
poor impulse control and says whatever is on his mind, it doesn’t take much
to imagine the social implications,” says Bob Cunningham, head of Robert
Louis Stevenson School in Manhattan. If he’s late or disruptive, a teacher
may punish the entire class. If he doesn’t pull his weight on a group project,
his social standing will take a hit. You can role-play scenarios at home, such
as forgetting to meet a friend. “Help her say, ‘Jenny, I know that was a
problem for you when I was late. I didn’t mean to be disrespectful to you—
that’s something I’m struggling with and working on,’” Cunningham told
me, adding, “A fourteen-year-old girl is going to accept that explanation
and think better of your child.”
Professionals often emphasize the importance of having one or two
close friends, but that may be a mistake for kids with social difficulties.
Deep friendship can be hard for the target friend. As Cunningham noted,
“Kids with social anxiety, social reciprocity, or social awareness issues will
have significantly improved lives if the goal is more comfortable
interactions with a broader range of classmates or teammates.”

Address the needs of gifted and twice-exceptional learners.

If you suspect your child is gifted or twice-exceptional—a student who is
gifted and also has a learning or attention issue—get them assessed.
Investigate whether your school has an appropriate educational program.
You may need to tap outside resources to meet their needs, such as the
National Association for Gifted Children or Supporting the Emotional
Needs of the Gifted. Be your child’s advocate and meet with their teachers.
This may be an uphill battle. Researchers have found that current practices
mirror where we were twenty years ago, and one study found that more
than 40 percent of middle schools do not use any particular approach
supported in the gifted education literature.
Susan Rakow, a counselor at a K–8 school in Cleveland for gifted
students, wrote in AMLE Magazine that “Once advanced students meet the
minimum standards of their grade level, it’s easy for teachers to ignore them
and focus on ‘the bubble kids’ and others who are not achieving where
others believe they could or should be.” Part of the challenge is that their
asynchronicity can make them hard to teach. As educator Laurel Blackmon,
the founder of LCB Consulting and the mother of a twice-exceptional son,
told me, “You’ll have a student reading a college calculus textbook who
can’t write a paragraph. There’s an intensity; it’s not just being smart, it’s
taking in the world at an incredible pace.” Blackmon recalls someone
telling her to focus on her child’s strengths 80 percent of the time. “It was
excellent advice. Otherwise, he’ll say, ‘Why bother?’ In the real world,
you’re going to choose to spend most of your day on your strengths and
work in an area where you can excel.”

Change what you do first.

Start by looking at what you can change to make things better. If your child
isn’t able to get ready for school on time and you turn it into a daily battle,
you’ll damage the relationship without fixing the problem. Consider getting
up earlier, or monitor your child more carefully. You may need to confirm
that they’re actually getting dressed before you head downstairs. It’s not
about lowering expectations, it’s about recognizing that your child may
need more support than kids without learning or attention issues.
Don’t try to address everything at once. Test one new approach at a time
and stick with it for three weeks to see if it gets traction. Maybe your child
has a separate alarm that reminds them it’s time to pack up, or uses lists to
help them prioritize their “must do’s,” “should do’s,” and “could do’s.” The
lab due tomorrow is a must do. The teacher’s recommended reading is a
should do.
Make sure teachers know where your child excels, too. If a child is
strong socially but has weak reading and writing skills, teachers can set
them up for success by assigning collaborative work. Teachers also can give
kids leadership roles that highlight their skills, build their confidence, and
influence the way adults and other students view them. Cunningham tells
teachers, “Think of the thing that’s most challenging for you, and now think
about doing that seven hours all day every day in front of the people whose
opinion you care about most.”
Children’s specific challenges often come with built-in strengths. When
Blackmon’s son was diagnosed with a learning disability, she told him that
kids with dyslexia can have special abilities, such as making connections
across big ideas. Children with ADHD often bring energy and dynamism to
a classroom, and when teachers draw on their strengths and interests, they
build their capacity to sustain attention. So if your child loves astronomy,
start a dialogue with the teacher about designing an assignment around
space exploration.
When you stick up for your child, you model how they can help
themselves. Miriam Tager, Ella’s mother and an assistant professor of early
childhood education at Westfield State University, told me her daughter
knew how to ask teachers if they had read her IEP by the time she was in
fifth grade. “We were always advocating for her, so she learned from us,”
Tager said. Ella added, “I figured out young how to talk to teachers
respectfully and sensibly. I used teacherly language, because I found that
teachers take you more seriously when they see that you understand and
want to learn.”
For Ella, sixth grade was a turning point. “The school gave me
headphones so I could listen to stories and stay along with the class, and my
science teacher gave the whole class a sheet asking us how we learn,” she
told me. She felt comfortable telling him when she needed something read
out loud or wanted to demonstrate her knowledge orally. She also started
implementing her own strategies. “I used my study hall to watch a video on
evolution and cells, and when they came up in the text, the visual popped
into my head and I was able to get through the lesson.” There are so many
things you can try in a school, Tager noted. “Ella is allowed to doodle.
Some people don’t like this, but it helps her process the information. She
does well with assisted technology and lots of visuals and movement. Every
year, we found something else that would help her.”
Supports should be removed as kids learn skills. As Donna Volpitta,
founder of the Center for Resilient Leadership, told me, “Is your goal to
make sure they’re getting everything right, or is your goal to teach them
how to do it independently next time?” Take an “I do, we do, you do”
approach. You can contact the school for your child, then guide them as
they write their teacher an email, then step back when they can do it on
their own. Don’t overcompensate, especially if the struggle is unrelated to
the disability. “I know I’m doing too much when I’m making three trips to
the school to bring sneakers and a textbook, and it’s interfering with the rest
of the family’s functioning,” Morin said.
If you do the work for them, they also won’t develop confidence in their
skills, says Scott Murphy, a director in Montgomery County Public Schools.
“When I was a middle school principal, I experienced that something
happens between grades six and eight. Students start deciding for
themselves what they’re good at and what they’re not, and sometimes what
they decide they’re not good at is untrue,” he told me. “We need to make
sure we don’t reinforce that or shut anything down, that we continue the
mathematical mind-set and stem exposures and allow that productive
struggle.”

Be direct but sensitive.

When school is a struggle, it can take a toll on kids’ self-esteem, but
withholding information about how they learn isn’t the answer. “If you’ve
been sick for two weeks and someone says you have a sinus infection, now
you can address it,” Ann Dolin explained. “My experience is when you tell
a child they meet the criteria for dysgraphia, they’re like, ‘Oh, this is why
it’s been so hard for so long, this makes sense.’” Psychiatrist Edward
Hallowell tells kids with ADHD, “You have a Ferrari engine for a brain, but
you’ve got bicycle breaks. If you don’t strengthen your brakes, you’re
going to spin out and crash.” He advises parents and educators to emphasize
kids’ strengths—and to moderate the fender benders.
Ella told me she had a mix of emotions when she first got the diagnosis,
but she felt better when she understood why she wasn’t learning the same
way as other students. A professional can debrief with your child in a
nonjudgmental, developmentally appropriate way. “A psychologist is
different than a teacher or a parent who carries value to a child,” Melanie
Auerbach explained. “They can say, ‘This is how your brain works. Know
why it’s so easy for you to memorize those math facts? Because you have
really good long-term memory. But you know how you have a hard time
remembering six plus seven when you’re solving a word problem? That’s
because your working memory is not as strong.’”
As you share information and strategies, remember that your child is
looking to you for reassurance. If you find you’re unable to accept your
child’s limitations or you’re overly invested in their success, you may need
counseling to work out your own issues. Your child is incredibly sensitive
to your reaction, and it’s crucial that you can remain calm and empathetic.
My friend Mary, whose seventh grader, Zoe, has attention deficit disorder,
sought therapy when she couldn’t deal with her daughter’s impulsivity.
Mary’s psychologist helped her come to terms with the fact that kids with
ADHD are consistently inconsistent. “Zoe is like a nine-year-old who
doesn’t recognize the boundaries of privacy—she’ll ask people intrusive
questions about their sex lives,” Mary told me, adding that she found it
liberating to let go of expectations that were setting them both up for
failure.
The good news is that children who face challenges tend to be resilient,
know their limits, are good with people, and can advocate for themselves.
With the right supports, even the most impulsive, struggling child can
explode in development. It may not always be easy to take the long view,
but Ella hopes parents will embrace her attitude. “Disability stands for
something you can’t do,” she told me. “I can read and learn, just differently.
When I grow up, I plan to be a rocket scientist or an astrophysicist.”

TOP TIPS FOR PARENTS

Listen to your instincts.

Keep a log and talk to teachers, counselors, and other adults who
know your child to identify patterns.
Share your child’s strengths, interests, and history with the school.
Revisit 504 Plans or IEPs regularly.
Help your child understand why they’re struggling.
If your child is twice-exceptional, you may need to tap outside
resources.
Remove supports as they acquire skills.
Role-play potentially difficult social scenarios.
Seek support for yourself when needed.
Know at least as much as your child about their specific challenges.
Be curious, not accusatory. Don’t lead with, “Why did you do that?”

CONVERSATION STARTERS

“Do you think this is harder for you than other students?”
“Were you the last one done on the math test?”
“What went well in English today?”
“What made the history assignment so challenging?”
“What would you like your teacher to know about how you learn?”
“What do you think your teacher would say is hardest for you?”
“When do you feel most confident at school?”
“Do you find that your challenges get in the way of your
friendships?”
 EMPOWERMENT AND RESILIENCE

“There are all sorts of people in the world, and

we’ll all find our place.”
CHAPTER 14

CONNECTING WITH BOYS AND HELPING

THEM CONNECT WITH OTHERS

KEY SKILLS

1—Make good friend choices

2—Negotiate conflict
5—Consider others’ perspectives
7—Self-regulate emotions
9—Make responsible, healthy, and
ethical choices

“My mom keeps asking me the same question 1,000 different

ways. I just need time to think.”
“It’s not that I don’t care, I just don’t want to get into it.”
“If I was like, ‘Hey, can I tell you about something you did that
really bothered me,’ my friends would be like, ‘Huh?’ We mostly
just joke around.”

MY FRIEND LIZ WAS WORRIED THAT HER FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLD son, Andy, was
traumatized. While on a ski trip, he’d seen a child fall off the chairlift. Andy
was sitting in close range, and he saw the paramedics airlift the boy to a
hospital. Liz tried to process the accident with Andy, but he wouldn’t show
any reaction. She made a few more attempts at conversation before letting it
go.

Although this book includes separate chapters for boys

and girls, I recognize that doesn’t capture the full
spectrum of gender identity. For more information on
raising children who identify as transgender, gender
fluid, bigender, or agender, here are some additional
resources:
GLSEN (www.glsen.org)
PFLAG (www.pflag.org)
GLAAD (www.glaad.org)
National Center for Transgender Equality
(transequality.org)
GENDERSPECTRUM (www.genderspectrum.org)
The annual Gender Odyssey conference
Books: Jennifer Boylan’s She’s Not There
Diane Ehrensaft’s The Gender Creative Child
Arin Andrew’s memoir, Some Assembly Required:
The Not-So-Secret Life of a Transgender Teen

The following weekend, Andy, an avid skier, refused to return to the

mountain. Liz quickly connected the dots. She called me and asked me to
put on my school counselor hat. How could she know whether he needed
support, she wondered, if she couldn’t get him to talk about it? I reassured
her that her instinct to hang back and give him space was fine. Liz and her
husband made sure they had unstructured time together, and they told him
they were available whenever he wanted to talk.
When that led nowhere, they tried a different approach. About a month
after the ski-lift accident, they persuaded Andy to give skiing another try.
The drive to the mountain was tense. When they arrived, Andy’s father
wordlessly coaxed him onto the chairlift, and they went through the
motions together. His dad’s calm, quiet presence gave him courage. On the
drive home, Andy finally shared his sadness and asked about the injured
boy. Liz told me the experience has changed how they communicate. She
no longer pushes Andy to talk, keenly aware that he’s most expressive when
she leaves room for silence.
Teen boys have powerful feelings, but parents often mistakenly assume
their silence means they prefer to be disengaged. “That’s the mythology we
have to fight against,” adolescent developmental pediatrician Kenneth
Ginsburg told me. “Don’t assume silence is absence of thought. Boys
sometimes feign being deaf or exhausted to create a space they can retreat
into, but it’s anything but an empty space. Boys have rich inner lives, and
they care deeply about loyalty, friendship, and protecting the people they
love.” Boys can buy into the mythology as much as their parents. As a
result, they may suppress emotions with both parents and peers.
Niobe Way, professor of developmental psychology at New York
University, is trying to change that paradigm. I spoke to her about her work
as principal investigator of The Listening Project, which teaches boys
interviewing and listening skills to help them build their capacity for
relationships. She shared that when she spoke to seventh-grade boys at
George Jackson Academy in New York City about a teen who loved his
best friend “beyond words,” they all snickered. When she asked them what
was so funny, a student said, “The dude sounds gay.”
Way was ready to challenge that stereotype. “What would you say if I
told you that approximately 85 percent of boys feel this way about a friend
during their teen years?” she asked them. One boy said, “For real?” She
said, “Yes, for real, boys want close friendships where they can share their
secrets.” Within ten seconds, two boys shared that they had “broken up”
after a fight. “They talked about it in front of the class,” Way told me. “All I
did was give them permission. They didn’t know it was normal.”
Boys this age are starting to get pummeled with masculine expectations.
Seventh grader Khalab told me he finds the messages confusing. He’s been
a calm, mature contributor to the middle school boys’ group I cofacilitate
with a male teacher, and he’s been clear from the start that he has little use
for stereotypes. “They’re limiting who we can be as we grow up, and it’s
hard to be something you can’t see,” he explained. He plans to chart a
different path—one that’s consistent with his desire to rely on and support
his friends. “If an unathletic boy doesn’t want to play a game, I’ll tell him
he doesn’t have to. If another boy wants to share his feelings, I’ll tell him
I’m there for him.”
 Andrew Reiner, a teacher and writer who researches teen boys and
vulnerability, came to observe my boys’ group several times, and afterward
we’d talk about how we’re living in a hinge era. “First and foremost, middle
school boys want the approval and acceptance of other guys; that’s
paramount,” Reiner told me. “But there are boys who are ahead of the
curve, boys who’ve been raised to be more self-possessed, more self-aware
at a younger age, and they want that connection. There’s a growing
minority of kids in this generation who get frustrated and scared by the
bullying treatment of other boys who won’t allow this and feel threatened
by this kind of self-awareness.”
I spoke to Swarthmore College assistant professor Joseph Derrick
Nelson, who researches how gender stereotypes influence boys’ identity
development. He urges parents to teach their sons how to express feelings
beyond anger, frustration, and empathy when they’re young. If boys don’t
learn how to attain emotional intimacy, he told me, “We may be setting
them up for relationship difficulties, addiction, violence, or risky behavior
down the road.”
You can take steps to prevent that outcome, starting with your own
relationship with your son. Preserving and strengthening that bond in the
tween and teen years is more about embracing a philosophy than
completing a checklist, Ginsburg explained. “If you stay present, really
believe in the kid, treat him like the expert in his life, and talk at the pace
he’s able to listen, then the details will work themselves out.” Some boys do
become more silent as they enter adolescence, but that just means that you
need to communicate with them differently. Here are several ways you can
continue to connect with your middle school son, while also helping him
connect intimately with others.

Focus on loving, high-yield interactions.

If you consistently show that your love is constant and your presence is
unconditional, you’ll create a safe space for boys to share feelings. When
my son, Ben, was in middle school, he’d want to unload immediately if he
thought he bombed a test. He’d open the car door when I picked him up
from school, then blurt out the news before his body was fully in the seat.
“There’s no way I passed the math test; I couldn’t answer half the
questions,” he’d tell me. He knew how I’d react, but he still needed to hear
it. I’d say, “That’s annoying, I know you studied a lot. But it’s going to be
okay, and it’s a history test now. Anything else happen at school?”
I could have taken a different tack and suggested that he swap study
methods or seek extra help, but that would have backfired. I’d have sent the
message that I was disappointed in him and cared more about his grades
than his feelings. In that moment, he already felt defeated and simply
wanted reassurance. Besides, we had better things to talk about. Ben always
shared great stories during those rides home from school, and his anecdotes
revealed what he found funny, irritating, or inspiring. Those were the high-
yield conversations—not the ones about his grades.
The relationship will take a hit if you fixate on deficits instead of
celebrating your son’s strengths. Figure out what drives him, and find ways
to acknowledge his special talents and interests. I know one father who
makes a point of commenting on the elaborate mazes his son enjoys
creating. Praise him for making an incredible omelet, or for being known as
“Switzerland” at school because he’s a natural mediator. Adopting a
strengths-based approach is especially important in middle school, when
most kids are full of self-doubt.
I’ve witnessed this in action. Cameron, an introverted, sensitive eighth
grader, had a combative relationship with his father, Todd. They couldn’t
have been more different. Cameron sketched cartoons from the time he
woke until he went to sleep. He’d come to my office to recharge, often
using his math protractor to carve a ball of clay into a flower or a dog.
Cameron’s idea of hell was the school’s annual 5K run, and he hated
lacrosse even more.
Todd, on the other hand, was a former Division 1 lacrosse player with a
blunt personality. He not only insisted that Cameron play lacrosse, but also
coached his team. He’d force Cameron to do extra drills at home, then ride
him for not working hard enough. In his quest to mold Cameron into an
elite athlete, he was wrecking their relationship. He also was failing to
appreciate his son’s many other gifts. The dynamic created a paradox.
Cameron felt both attacked and invisible, and he took no pride in his
impressive artistic creations.
As Ginsburg often reminds parents, “The themes of adolescence include:
are my parents proud of me, do I fit in with my peers, am I capable at
school, do I have any idea what I can do with my life, am I comfortable
with my developing sexuality, and, most basically, am I good enough? If
you put all of those questions together, you can begin to see why it matters
so much that a parent loves a child for who they are.” That’s the foundation
that offers the security for a middle school boy to answer all of those
profoundly challenging questions.

Show interest in his life and create shared experiences.

When you demonstrate genuine curiosity about your son’s passions, you’re
more likely to establish a strong connection. Attend his class play or soccer
game, and know what he’s studying in school. The more you know about
his life, the more topics you’ll have to discuss. Find activities that are
natural extensions of his interests, whether it’s a sports event, movie, or
museum. Know the kids he hangs out with and how he likes to unwind.
This doesn’t mean overstepping boundaries. You can show authentic
interest without violating your son’s need for privacy and autonomy.
Try creating shared experiences you’d both enjoy. If that seems
complicated, try this exercise. Take out two scraps of paper. First, write
down three activities your child would love and you’d be willing to do.
Then give a piece of paper to your son and ask him to write down three
things he’d like to do—and that he knows you’d be willing to do. You’ll
end up with six potential bonding activities.
Once you’re alone together, facilitate dialogue by asking concrete
questions. “Ask them the best or worst thing that happened in school, or
whether things went better with the math teacher,” says Michael Thompson,
a clinical psychologist and the author of Raising Cain: Protecting the
Emotional Life of Boys. Otherwise, “They’re thinking, ‘Where is this
leading, and why does my mom need to know this?’” You may find it
difficult to tolerate your son’s long stretches of silence, but don’t push too
hard. If you stay patient, present, and involved, he’ll start to share more
about his life.
That said, you may need to get creative. Writing notes back and forth
can be a less intrusive way to communicate. Buy a notebook for the kitchen
or front hall table, leave your son notes, and invite him to respond. You can
start with simple questions, such as, “How was your day?” Even if the
exchanges are initially superficial, he may gather the courage to share that
he’s anxious about fitting in, or that he’s more upset than you realized about
getting cut from the soccer team.
The car also is a natural place to connect with your son. Eye contact is
optional, and boys may find talking less intimidating in that setting. A car
ride can be a prime time to talk about uncomfortable topics, but be willing
to initiate those conversations. Whether you’re discussing sex or another
difficult topic, be careful not to overreact to a comment when your son
wades into sensitive territory. You may be misinterpreting what he said, and
the conversation is more likely to continue if you stay neutral. If the talk
does devolve into an argument, don’t halt the conversation. As I explained
in the chapter on lying, kids consider arguing a productive exchange and a
way to better understand your perspective. Fighting is a good sign that they
respect your opinion.
Video games, like cars, provide a way to connect without eye contact.
Aziz Abdur-Ra’oof, a former professional football player and educational
consultant who mentors teen boys, suggests that parents ask their son to
teach them how to play a game they like. He also recommends establishing
a consistent time when your son expects to talk, then provide conversation
starters and be really present. “That means the TV is off,” Abdur-Ra’oof
told me. “If you take a phone call mid-conversation with them, they’ll think
you don’t care.”
To enhance the time you spend together, limit your child’s distractions,
too. Create a contract with rules regarding technology. Within that, for
example, you might specify that the family will have device-free dinners
together three nights a week. You can do the same when technology is
impeding your son’s time with peers during sleepovers, hangouts, carpools,
and other social scenarios. It’s never too late to set clear expectations.
As baffling as it may seem, boys can feel intimately connected to people
they only know from gaming and chat rooms. They may not recognize that
they’re missing out on more authentic face-to-face time. Online interactions
do hit on some basic friendship-building skills, but at the expense of others.
As psychologist Adam Pletter told me, “They’re sharing, compromising,
negotiating, and feeling connected and validated, but eye contact and body
language are completely eliminated when you’re typing.” If you try all of
these strategies and continue to hit a brick wall, cut yourself some slack. As
Michael Thompson told me, there’s no magic parent who holds the secret to
getting a middle school boy to open up.

Tackle stereotypes about masculinity.

When Ben was fourteen, I started getting all of his texts on my iPad. It was
a glitch, and I came clean right away, expecting him to be freaked out. “It’s
fine,” he told me. “Whatever.” I paused. The texts were popping up rapid-
fire as I tried to work, and some were pretty graphic. I was certain his
friends would not appreciate my reading them and suggested he fix the
problem, but he insisted it was no big deal. His openness ran counter to
common wisdom about teen boys, who tend to be portrayed as intensely
private. And that’s the point. Stereotypes won’t tell you anything about your
own son.
That doesn’t mean that stereotypes about what it means to be a man
aren’t impacting him, or that you shouldn’t address them. Fathers,
especially, need to model how to deal constructively with difficult
emotions. Do you call a friend when you’re stressed, or do you suppress
your feelings? Make sure your son observes you utilizing healthy coping
strategies. This isn’t to discount the importance of mothers or other women
in boys’ lives. As Khalab told me, “My dad tells me I can be whatever I
want without any backlash, but I mostly talk to my mom.” He debriefs with
her every night at 9 p.m., just before bed. “Even though she’s a woman, she
offers insight into how I should interact with the opposite gender, and she
assures me that I should feel comfortable talking to her even when I make
mistakes,” he said.
Talk about what it means to be a boy. As Joseph Nelson says, “They’re
getting the message, ‘Stand up for yourself, be tough, don’t let anyone
disrespect you, don’t act like a girl, don’t pick a girlfriend over your friends,
don’t show sadness. Particularly for low-income black and Latino boys, so
much of their physical safety is dependent on whether they’re perceived as
weak. I’ve spoken to black fathers who tell their boys, ‘It’s okay for you to
cry at home, but not at the park. At home, you’re loved, you’re safe.’”
Make a point of telling your son, “You may be getting different messages
on the outside, but it’s okay to be upset.”
You may need to examine your own beliefs, especially if you’re clinging
to gender stereotypes, such as “all girls are dramatic” or “all boys don’t
talk.” As psychotherapist Katie Hurley told me, “Boys can cook, girls can
do kickboxing. Let’s open the box and let them be who they want to be.” At
the same time, acknowledge that it can be hard to push back against
masculine expectations.
Many of my students, like Khalab, do want to push back. In one session
of my boys’ group, I asked them to fill a “man box” with words that reflect
cultural ideas about masculinity. Competitive, aggressive, tough, and sporty
all went into the box. Then I asked them to characterize themselves. The
boys determined that many of the words and phrases they used to describe
themselves—including thoughtful, self-aware, smart, and likes to read and
write—couldn’t go into the man box. Another time, I read them a list of
words including suffering, tenderness, shyness, shame, trust, joy,
excitement, insecurity, sadness, and anger. They decided that a few of the
words were neutral, but only anger truly belonged in the “man box.” I was
taken aback and asked if they could recall a time when they didn’t think
twice about showing pure joy. They said it was probably back in second or
third grade.
“You’re not supposed to care about grades or whether you can be
yourself with friends,” one boy told the group. “I think we all feel those
things are important, but no one wants to risk getting a bad reaction.”
Another student added, “I couldn’t just walk up to my friend and say, ‘Hey,
Joe, do you have the same complicated emotions that I have?’ The most I’ll
say outside the boys’ group to someone who upsets me is, ‘I didn’t
appreciate that,’ instead of saying, ‘That got me down and kind of ruined
my day.’”
When Reiner interviewed a few of my students for an article he wrote
about the boys’ group for the New York Times, seventh grader Harrison
Goodweather told him, “This is the one place where I feel safe. I leave the
group feeling better about being in school because I know that I’m not so
alone about the things that bother me.” Harrison and the other boys have
resolved to mentor younger boys in the school, and to set a positive,
“preventive” example.
 Fortunately, more male adults are challenging some of these cultural
norms, too—including professional athletes. NBA player Kevin Love wrote
in The Players Tribune that growing up, he followed the “be a man”
playbook. He handled tough experiences on his own so he wouldn’t appear
weak. At age twenty-nine, however, he started having panic attacks and
realized that he needed help. He now talks publicly about the need for boys
to show vulnerability, noting, “We’re all carrying around things that hurt—
and they can hurt us if we keep them buried inside.”
Fathers can help by bucking norms themselves. This may be especially
important for kids who don’t identify with the sex they were assigned at
birth. Alexis Lewis, an eighteen-year-old college student, didn’t come out
as transgender until she was fifteen. “I didn’t know that I didn’t have to be
overly masculine,” she told me. “I needed to hear that from my dad, and I
needed him to act as a role model.” She also believes that parents shouldn’t
force their sons to play a sport they hate, particularly if they’ll have to
engage with “toxically masculine” boys.
On the flip side, Alisa Bowman thinks her thirteen-year-old transgender
son had a fairly easy time coming out in fifth grade because he fit so many
masculine stereotypes. “There are some boys who are really feminine and
they’re not necessarily gay, and that’s something to be celebrated too,” she
said. “They don’t have a place to call home because society doesn’t
consider that okay yet.”
Parents also can defy gender expectations by demonstrating the power
of touch. William Parker, the executive director of the Oklahoma Middle
Level Association, told me he makes a point of being physically
demonstrative. “I hug my twelve-year-old son, Jack, just like I hug my girls,
but I also show him that it’s okay to put your arm around someone. I hug
the guys I know; it’s cultural where I live in Oklahoma. I want my son to
grow up knowing that you can have deep affectionate friendships that don’t
have to be about romance.”

IDEA FOR EDUCATORS

DO THE “MAN BOX” ACTIVITY

Do the Man Box activity to get boys thinking about

 masculine norms. First, ask them to independently
come up with words they believe describe a “real man.”
Then have them share their list with the group. You
also can talk about the derogatory names boys are
called when they don’t conform to societal
expectations. After that exercise, ask the boys to work
alone again to list words that describe themselves.
Have them write their answers anonymously on sticky
notes, then collect the notes and read off each
descriptor. For each one, ask the group whether they
think it belongs in the Man Box. The students will
discover that every boy has interests and character
traits that don’t meet the “manly ideal.”

Normalize emotional intimacy by drawing parallels.

Many moments of intimacy are accepted in the sports context, and these
examples can be good teaching moments if your son is interested in sports.
When boys watch a football game, Joseph Nelson pointed out, “There’s lots
of sideways hugging and sitting close, but it’s not seen as inappropriate.”
The same is true for athletes. “When someone tells his teammate, ‘That was
a really great catch,’ it’s an expression of vulnerability, but I don’t think
boys know it,” Abdur-Ra’oof said. “They just do it because they’ve
dropped or caught a pass and know what that’s like.” He tells parents to say,
“When your teammate didn’t perform well during the basketball game, it
was great how you went up to him and helped him.” He told me that parents
can generalize the concept by saying, “Jon, remember how you didn’t like
James when you first played basketball together, but then you realized he
was a good guy and supportive teammate? When you approach people at
school, think about that experience and how it can take time to get to know
someone.”
Teach them how to repair rifts, too. Boys are more likely than girls to
walk away when there’s a hiccup in a friendship, and that can leak to their
romantic life later. “Their girlfriend may do something, and the only
solution they can think of is to leave,” Niobe Way explained. Parents can
model that rectifying situations takes work and vulnerability. A father might
say, “I was really angry with my friend and had to take time to think about
my part. Once I calmed down, I called him to apologize for my behavior.”
You also can work to prevent conflicts, particularly physical ones. “All
the norms around masculinity for boys are about physical toughness,”
Nelson said. “You’re not going to disrespect me; I’m going to shove you to
show you that you can’t do that again.” If an altercation escalates, debrief
after the incident. Ask your son to explain the sequence of events. What did
the other student do and how did he respond? Then help him address the
“why.” You can say, “You pushed him and he fell—what was that about?”
To create some distance, Way will discuss her daughter’s or her own
friendship struggles in her son’s presence and ask for his advice. “It’s too
touchy feely for him to have these conversations about his own
friendships.”
Heighten your son’s sensitivity by talking about his friends’ boundaries.
“Boys love banter and trash talking, and this is really the root of a lot of boy
issues, because there are different tolerance levels for sarcasm,” middle
school counselor Ricky Stakem told me. “If a boy sees someone with a
black eye and says, ‘Your face is messed up,’ that kid’s feelings might get
hurt even if the first kid isn’t trying to be mean.” Explain that if a friend
looks wounded or stops engaging, it’s time to back down.
Boys can have wildly varying limits. Jeff, a physical education teacher
and soccer coach, told me that his middle school athletes send each other
Snapchats of their private parts in a completely nonsexual way for shock
value. One boy sent a photo of his penis to his best friend, and the other one
sent one back to be goofy. He added that boys can take these pranks too far.
“Some boys are almost desensitized, but others take it personally. And
parents don’t get it at all. When that kid’s mom saw his friend’s penis on his
camera roll, she was like, ‘What is this?’ I have to have a lot of
conversations with my team about dialing it back,” he said.
Physical interactions can be off-putting to many boys, but it’s hard to
avoid them. Middle school boys are constantly jumping on one another’s
backs, and boys who don’t like roughhousing might internalize their
discomfort. Encourage sensitivity by asking your son if he’d like it if his
friends tied his shoelaces together on the bus, or yanked on his backpack
until he fell over. Middle school educators can help by facilitating
interactive schoolwide advisory lessons on respecting classmates’
boundaries, running structured groups for boys, and closely monitoring
hallway interactions. Coaches can be influential, too, by modeling open
communication, transparency, and healthy competition. In boys’ contact
sports, coaches may even become surrogate fathers. Reiner noted that they
may be more respected than other men in a boy’s life because they represent
that masculine ideal.

Nurture the art of curiosity and bolster boys’ emotional

vocabulary.
If we want kids to have trusting, meaningful relationships, we need to give
them practical skills. Way asks The Listening Project participants to reflect
on what’s happening in their own friendships, then pick someone to
interview whom they love but don’t know much about. Interestingly, she
told me, almost all the boys pick their mothers. The boys become the people
exploring friendships, asking questions such as, “Who do you trust the most
and why?” They learn how to be good listeners and follow up with deeper
questions. People place a premium on empathy, but curiosity is just as
important in a friendship, and parents can nurture that trait. With her own
children, Way will say, “I’m doing a project that asks people what they fear
the most. What would you say?”
To further boost your son’s emotional vocabulary, help him describe his
relationships. Ask, “What do you like the most or least about your
friendship with Nate?” Point out how a good friend treats him. Maybe he’s
willing to lend him his favorite video game, or he calls to check up on him
when he’s home sick for a few days. To tap into his emotions, your son may
need to work backwards. If he seems upset, ask, “What’s the physical
symptom in your body? Where are you experiencing it?” Teach him that
sensations can provide clues to his emotional state. By the time boys reach
middle school, they’re accustomed to ignoring deeper feelings. “All the
messages they get from TV, social media, and pop culture are about being
badass and hardcore,” Reiner told me. “Action heroes are not guys who ask
for help or show hesitation or self-doubt.”
The ultimate clue, of course, is crying. A parent once asked Reiner
whether she should be concerned that her son cries frequently. “I said,
‘Crying is a window into us at our most vulnerable, and one of the few
times you can sit down without pumping him full of questions about what
he’s feeling. He’s clearly feeling sadness.’” Capitalize on those moments
and say, “You’re clearly feeling a strong emotion right now. What’s beneath
the tears? If you’re ready to talk, I’m here.” At the very least, you’ll bear
witness and let your son know that he’s not alone.

TOP TIPS FOR PARENTS

Love and honor your son for who he is, and focus on his strengths.
Prioritize “high-yield conversations,” not ones about grades or
controlling behavior.
Be strategic about when and how you connect.
Don’t assume his silence means he wants to be disengaged.
Place a notepad on the kitchen or front hall table and leave each
other notes.
Cut yourself some slack—no parent has all the answers to
communicating with a twelve- or thirteen-year-old boy.
Address stereotypes and model healthy coping strategies.
Don’t ask leading questions—be concrete or he’ll wonder where the
conversation is headed.
Hug your son and show him physical affection.
Point out when a friend is treating him well or clearly trusts him, and
remind him that it takes time to get to know someone.

CONVERSATION STARTERS

“Who do you trust the most and why?”

“What do you fear most?”
“What do you like about your friendship with Nate?”
“Do you think the main character in the movie is a good friend?
Would you choose to act differently?”
“I can see you’re upset. If you want to talk, I’m here.”
“What do you think people tend to misunderstand about boys?”
CHAPTER 15

RAISING STRONG, EMPOWERED GIRLS

KEY SKILLS

2—Negotiate conflict
5—Consider others’ perspectives
6—Self-advocate
7—Self-regulate emotions
8—Cultivate passions and recognize
limitations
9—Make responsible, healthy, and
ethical choices

“I hate playing goalie. Every time the other team scores, it’s my
fault.”
“The teacher forgot it was my turn to lead advisory, but it’s not
worth making it into a big deal.”
“My skin has totally broken out, so there’s no way I’m going to the
dance.”

AT AGE FOURTEEN, I WAITED TABLES AT BRIGHAM’S, AN ICE cream and

sandwich shop. The manager threw me in with no training and it showed.
I’d remember the hamburger but not the ketchup, or the ice cream but not
the spoon. By the third day, I started to get the hang of it, but that wasn’t
fast enough for the manager. He pulled me aside at the end of the week.
“You’re not going to come back, are you?” he snapped at me. “Because
you’re really, really bad at this. I had no idea anyone could be this slow.” I
looked at my feet nervously and apologized. I also didn’t return—not even
to collect my paycheck. Despite the fact that I had spent the week mopping
floors, serving endless grilled cheese sandwiches, and scooping ice cream, I
didn’t think I deserved to be paid. As an adult, I shake my head at my
meekness. I may have been an imperfect waitress, but I had worked hard
and earned that money.
When my girlfriends and I share stories about our first jobs as teens and
young adults, timidity is a common theme. Susan worked in Paris after her
college graduation, and she can still vividly recall her boss. “She’d fly off
the handle at the smallest things, screaming, ‘Vous êtes nul!’—you’re
nothing!” Susan would retreat to the bathroom to cry. “I didn’t have the
confidence to fix it or leave,” she told me. My friend Shari felt that
paralysis when she was working at a magazine in New York and forgot to
fax her editorial director a document. “He waited until everyone left, then
locked the door and told me he was deeply disappointed in me,” she
recalled. She didn’t know how to handle his overreaction, explaining that it
felt complicated to stick up for herself when she knew she had made a
mistake.
Susan and Shari wish they’d learned to self-advocate and respond to
feedback before they started working, when the stakes were much lower.
They want their own teen daughters to have an easier time, but they’re
unsure how to impart such complex lessons. If anything, it seems as though
their middle school daughters have suddenly become more apprehensive
about taking risks or making waves.
Research bears this theory out. In a Ypulse study, researchers found that
girls’ confidence levels drop by 30 percent between ages eight and fourteen,
and they’re also 18 percent less likely than boys to describe themselves as
confident. In addition, more than half of the girls reported feeling the
pressure to be perfect. Nearly 80 percent of them said they want to feel
more confident. All of these data points make middle school the ideal time
to double down on giving your daughter the skills and courage to navigate
tough situations. Here are several ways you can help her keep her
confidence at a time when she feels most vulnerable. If you’re successful,
she’ll be much more likely to develop and retain the skills she’ll need for
the workplace and relationships.

Don’t breed the expectation of perfection.

As we seek to empower girls, we need to be careful not to layer on a new
set of unattainable expectations. “I worry we almost box girls in,” says
author Peggy Orenstein. “Now, not only do they have to be friendly and
nice and thin and pretty, but they also have to be brave and empowered and
smart.” Her fourteen-year-old daughter will say, “If one more person tells
me girls need to be brave, I’m just going to go off on them.” She’ll mock it
after a while, roll her eyes, and say, “Enough!” “We want girls to be
resilient in the world, but we almost over-freight the idea of empowered so
it becomes a source of anxiety for them,” Orenstein added.
Girls’ desire to please can magnify anxiety and backfire. Rachel
Simmons, cofounder of the organization Girls Leadership, explains that
when girls focus on winning approval, they shy away from risks. “If you’re
a quintessential good girl, you experience failing as letting someone down.
Instead of saying, ‘I missed that goal in the soccer game,’ it’s that everyone
will hate me.” She urges parents to help girls focus on how they performed
rather than how they’re perceived, and to help them avoid ruminating,
which amplifies the impact of the setback.
Girls also may be more likely to attribute failure to their own lack of
ability, while research shows that boys tend to blame external factors, such
as not studying. Parents can counteract this mind-set by focusing more on
progress than results. Girls also may be more prone to self-doubt than boys.
“If you ask a child after each question on a test, ‘How confident are you
that you got that right?’ boys do better and girls do worse,” says
psychotherapist Amy Morin, author of 13 Things Mentally Strong Women
Don’t Do. “They change their answer because they doubt themselves.
Confidence is key, so teach girls to take note of what they’re thinking and
how those thoughts affect their behavior.”
For Claire Shipman, coauthor of The Confidence Code for Girls and the
mother of an eleven-year-old girl, understanding that failure helps kids
develop resilience was liberating. “Instead of obsessing, I’m able to quickly
say, ‘Okay, life lesson,’ and focus on helping her move forward.” Recently,
her daughter didn’t make a soccer team, and Shipman worried she’d drop
the sport. “I told her there were other tryouts, and another team ended up
really wanting her. It was a hellish twenty-four hours, but I was so glad she
decided to keep trying.”
To help girls maintain reasonable expectations, challenge unattainable
ideals. Find and share realistic images so your daughter isn’t just seeing
images of women that have been Photoshopped and filtered. Shipman and
her coauthor, Katty Kay, launched the #CaptureConfidence campaign to
give girls a way to show that imperfection and confidence are not mutually
exclusive. Girls are using the hashtag to do everything from challenge
stereotypes about dancers’ bodies to help black girls feel proud of their
natural hair.
Teach your daughter to critique the culture as a whole, too. When
Orenstein’s daughter was twelve, they passed a line of Supergirl and Batgirl
dolls in Target. She asked what her daughter thought of the dolls, and was
proud to hear her repeating one of Orenstein’s common critiques—that the
dolls’ eyes were bigger than their wrists. Her daughter, who is biracial
(Asian and white), also will comment on how the cosmetic industry doesn’t
acknowledge that people come in a vast variety of skin tones. “She’ll say
that when they do, it tends to be black and white,” Orenstein told me,
adding that this can affect a girl’s self-image.

Be mindful of your messaging.

Stray comments can leave deep wounds. If you want your daughter to be
self-accepting, you may need to check yourself. One seventh-grade girl told
me she didn’t ask the boy she liked to a dance because she was “too fat.”
She said she first became self-conscious about her weight when her father
off-handedly suggested she skip the mashed potatoes at dinner. He hadn’t
meant to hurt her, but the comment had stuck. She’d been upset and
obsessing about her weight for months. An eighth-grade girl shared a
similar story. While eating brunch at a local pancake house, she poured
syrup on her waffles. When she reached for the butter, her mother grabbed
her wrist. “Don’t use syrup and butter!” she said. “That’s how you get a
belly.”
“It can be excruciatingly difficult to keep your mouth closed when
you’re watching your child do something you think is self-destructive—
especially if you have your own baggage about weight,” Simmons told me.
Parents need to understand that criticism intended to be helpful is rarely
heard by a child that way. “Girls are famously prone to hearing a critical
voice as yelling, and that same sensitivity kicks in when it comes to their
bodies,” she said. “At some point, feedback goes from being constructive to
corrosive. ‘Are you really going to eat that?’ means, ‘You can’t afford to eat
that much and still look good.’” Instead, focus on what your daughter’s
body needs to be strong and healthy. Simmons urges parents to ask
themselves, “Have I said this before? Am I saying it to help my child, or to
release myself from my own anxiety? If so, is there a better way to manage
my own emotions?”
It’s hard to show restraint when you think you’re helping your daughter.
Sue Ashford, a professor at the University of Michigan’s Ross School of
Business who studies feedback, recalls falling into that trap when her
daughter was in middle school. “I study feedback-seeking for a reason—I
tend to be overly cognizant of it,” she told me. “I wish I’d criticized my
daughter less, had just supported her and told her, ‘You’re great,’ but I
didn’t always do that because I worried about what others thought, about
whether she’d have friends and fit in.”
When Orenstein knows her personal baggage will get in the way, she
puts her husband in charge. “I had to fake the whole idea of modeling less
negative body image, and he doesn’t have those issues. Let the person who
has normality around food get in there. He’s able to give her something that
I can’t.” People tend to think about mothers when it comes to raising strong
daughters, but fathers might be better-positioned to teach some skills. We
often short-shrift them, and fathers tend to pull back when girls hit puberty.
This approach is misguided. Daughters need their fathers just as much, if
not more, when they hit middle school. Linda Nielsen, who teaches a course
at Wake Forest University on strengthening father-daughter relationships,
has found that when fathers maintain healthy relationships with their middle
school–aged daughters, the girls tend to be more self-reliant, self-confident,
and successful, and less likely to develop eating disorders.
 While parents need to be careful about what they say to their daughters,
they also need to be mindful of their unspoken messages. When certified
financial planner Nancy Anderson was twelve, she desperately hoped she’d
receive 200 shares of stock, the same gift her brother got when he turned
twelve the year before. “I was so excited, I spent that whole year wondering
what kind of stock they’d give me,” she wrote in an email. “I wondered,
would it be the same company or a different one? Would my name be on the
certificate?” Then her birthday rolled around and she didn’t get any shares.
“The underlying message I learned at that young age was, ‘investing is for
boys.’”
To send your daughter a different message about her capacity for
business, help her develop negotiation skills. “Teach her in a low-stress
environment, such as hitting a yard sale or flea market,” Anderson suggests.
“Tell her to start by asking for more than she wants so she can come down
in price. Pick something that’s not important to her that she can then give to
charity. This way, it’s a fun game, and she can enjoy asking and deal-
making.” Similarly, Simmons told me she plans to encourage her daughter
to negotiate her babysitting fees. “I think that learning to negotiate your
salary is important, and a lot of young women don’t have that skill.”
Janine Shelffo, the mother of a fourteen-year-old girl and cohead of
technology, media, and telecommunications at UBS Investment Bank,
frequently tells stories from her work to illustrate basic financial concepts
for her daughter, such as the relationship between risk and reward, the time
value of money, and the pitfalls of excessive leverage. She hopes this
understanding will provide a strong foundation for making good decisions
down the road about saving for the future and investing wisely.

Help her build comfort with the word “leader.”

We need to do a better job valuing leadership skills in girls. Ashford’s
research shows that women tend to avoid leading because they worry,
“What if I step on someone’s toes or damage a friendship?” She’s found
that those who do lead feel comfortable with the word “leader.” Parents and
educators need to work together to help girls self-identify as leaders, and
that may mean examining their own attitudes. “When school systems see
leadership skills in girls, they give negative feedback subtly and directly
both to girls and their parents, in the hopes that parents will stamp it out,”
she explained.
Children internalize these messages. As researchers from the Making
Caring Common project found in a survey of nearly 20,000 students, many
teen boys and girls—along with their parents—are biased against female
leaders, whether they’re kids or adults. The school environment makes a
difference. When Ashford’s daughter was entering sixth grade, she
transferred to a new school. She’d been labeled as strong-willed in
elementary school, so Ashford decided to meet with the counselor ahead of
time to ease the transition.
“The counselor said to me, ‘What’s your daughter like?’ I said, she’s
always enthusiastic and trying to help, but she sometimes rubs people the
wrong way.’ The counselor said, ‘What I’d like is for you to send her to us
exactly as she is, and I’ll prepare the school to receive her and accept her as
she is.’”
Ashford cried for five minutes because it was the first time someone
said to her, “Have you considered that those others have been wrong, and
that she’s fine as she is?”
The school recognized and encouraged her daughter’s natural leadership
qualities. She acted in the play, was elected a class officer, and was a finalist
for her school’s Contribution to the Culture Award as a senior. When she
went to college, she had the skills to lead a major organization within her
large university.
Be careful not to define leadership too narrowly or to discount quieter
girls. When my daughter Emily was eleven, she attended a question-and-
answer session with Hillary Clinton, who had recently ended her tenure as
secretary of state. Emily isn’t shy, but she’s on the introverted side, and she
used to wonder whether she was capable of being a leader. After Clinton
spoke, Emily raised her hand. “Do you have to be in a position of
leadership to make a positive change in the world?” she asked. Clinton
didn’t hesitate. “Not at all—teachers are leaders, nurses are leaders,” she
told her. “You don’t have to be an elected official or the president of a
corporation to make a difference. In fact, some people who hold positions
of power don’t use their influence to help others.”
It’s a message I wish I’d heard in junior high. I was too shy to speak in
eighth-grade social studies, but I loved history. That was the year I first
heard Sting’s song “Russians” and started reading about Mutual Assured
Destruction, a doctrine that terrified me. Without telling anyone, I wrote an
op-ed about my view on nuclear buildup and mailed it to the Boston Globe.
I still remember my father’s—and my teacher’s—shock when my article
ran in the paper a few months later. It never occurred to me then that
writing and sharing ideas could be a form of leadership. To my fourteen-
year-old self, the “real” leaders were the soccer team captains and student
council presidents.
When I talk to quieter girls now, I try to cultivate their interests and help
them think beyond conventional leadership roles. As Susan Cain, the author
of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, and
founder of Quiet Revolution, told me, “A lot of the places students’ talents
take them naturally are not considered ‘leadership’ in the constricted sense,
but leadership is when you’re making an impact and taking action that
shapes the lives of other people in a positive way.”
Cain shared a story with me about a middle school girl who faked
extroversion and “twisted herself into a pretzel” so she’d be picked to be a
peer mentor. She excelled, but was kicked out by an extroverted teacher
who felt she wasn’t outgoing enough for the role. “She was absolutely
devastated, but then she realized that what she really liked was science, not
being a mentor,” Cain said. The girl started working after school with her
biology teacher, who appreciated her strengths, and she ended up publishing
her first scientific paper at age seventeen.
Instead of giving girls the message to go out and take the world by
storm, we should be telling them to go out, be themselves, and dream big.
As Cain noted, “We need to make sure the role models we give our girls
don’t all look like Sheryl Sandberg, who I love, and who’s an amazing role
model for a certain type of girl. We also need to showcase girls and women
who have a more understated style, so they understand there are a lot of
ways to be successful, happy, and contributing to the world.”

Identify mentors and role models.

Encourage your daughter to get in the habit of connecting with mentors she
respects, whether they’re teachers, coaches, or supervisors at an after-school
job. This is a deceptively simple task that requires judgment, and it will be a
critical skill in the workplace. Mentors also can provide a space where girls
feel heard and validated. Girls often are unable to be authentic with peers
because they worry they’ll be judged or criticized. Mentors can help by
encouraging girls to embrace their differences as strengths instead of
failures. This isn’t about forcing an inorganic relationship, but rather
teaching kids to notice when they connect with a kindred spirit.
“When I was in seventh grade, I had a teacher, Mr. Ruud, who told me
that I was a leader and I should take his leadership class,” Sheridan School
head Jessica Donovan told me as we chatted in her office. “One time we
were on the bus on a field trip, and he told me my thoughts were important
and I should keep a journal,” she said. “He was the first person to make me
feel important, and it really struck me. I became a middle school teacher
because Mr. Ruud was one, and I became a leader because he told me that I
was one.”
Shelffo says she benefited from role models early in her career who had
the confidence to embrace their own idiosyncrasies. They reinforced for her
that there was no single blueprint for career success. Mentors don’t have to
be the same gender, she noted, adding that men with daughters have been
some of her most impactful mentors. They often have greater appreciation
for the subtle obstacles to female success in the workplace.
Just as with boys, girls can’t be what they can’t see. “Girls can do just as
much as anyone else, and we need to give them role models of the same
gender and ethnicity,” says Alexis Lewis, now eighteen, who started
winning invention contests in middle school. Books such as Rachel
Ignotofsky’s Women in Science: 50 Fearless Pioneers Who Changed the
World offer a glimpse into the lives of women ranging from primatologist
Jane Goodall to Katherine Johnson, the African American physicist and
mathematician who calculated the trajectory of the 1969 Apollo 11 mission
to the moon. Whenever you can, introduce your daughter to real women
working in fields where they’re the minority, such as STEM (science,
technology, engineering, and mathematics) or investment banking.
Donna Orender—the author of Wowsdom: The Girl’s Guide to the
Positive and the Possible; the former president of the Women’s National
Basketball Association; and a retired professional basketball player—
regularly organizes formal mentor walks for middle school girls. The girls
wear a specific color to indicate the field they’re interested in, such as
medicine or technology, then pair off with women working in that field
(who wear the same color). They walk along a nature path and share their
hopes and dreams.
One time, Orender paired all the girls with women who were sixty-five
and older. After the walk, the older women read “letters to my younger
self,” and the girls read “letters to my older self.” “It was such a powerful
way to show the girls that they’re not alone, and that intergenerational
connection is a two-way street,” she told me. At the end of every walk, she
reminds the girls that their mentor will always take their calls, and she urges
them to continue to reach out for help.

IDEA FOR EDUCATORS

BRING IN WOMEN TO SPEAK AT CAREER LUNCHES

Start a practice of holding regular career lunches, and

bring in women who work in a variety of professions,
including those in which women are underrepresented.
The women could be mothers of students in the school
or visitors from the greater community. Encourage the
speakers to share both the victories and challenges
they’ve encountered on their journeys. They can
underscore that girls shouldn’t let setbacks deter them
from pursuing their goals. If they’re willing, they could
adopt a mentor role and maintain ongoing relationships
with interested girls.

Own her success.

It’s important that parents encourage girls to take credit for their work. Girls
are more likely than boys to be self-deprecating or to attribute their success
to luck or other people. Shipman noted that girls worry about coming across
as arrogant or boastful and just want to fit in, but the problem is that they
start to believe their own rhetoric and experience self-doubt. “When I was a
foreign correspondent in Moscow, people would ask me how I ended up
there, and I’d feel kind of embarrassed and say I didn’t know,” she told me.
She went on to cover the White House, a transition that terrified her. “It
would have been a useful and powerful message to say to myself, ‘Look at
what I accomplished in Moscow,’ rather than believing I just fell into it.”
You can reassure your daughter that it’s not immodest to have
confidence and to know your own worth. Convey that nice, kind girls also
can be competitive, ambitious, and goal-oriented. When she lacks
confidence, teach her to “act as if,” and remind her that everyone feels like
an impostor at times.
It might help to teach your daughter how to use expansive body
language. Social psychologist Amy Cuddy, the author of Presence:
Bringing Your Boldest Self to Your Biggest Challenges, told me that when
girls are young, they stand with their feet apart and their chest out, but by
the time they hit middle school, they start to display shrinking behavior. “If
anything, boys start to take up more space and girls pull long sleeves over
their hands, wrap themselves up, slouch more, and want to make
themselves small,” she said. Tell your daughter that she deserves to take up
space, and that poor posture will affect her mood and sense of self-efficacy.
Ask, “How do you feel when you’re sitting like that?” Cuddy explains,
“Feeling powerful activates what we call the behavioral approach system
and makes us more optimistic, generally happier, and more confident and
willing to take risks.”

Teach girls to invest in one another’s success.

Encourage your daughter to celebrate other girls, especially in middle
school, a time when girls are particularly prone to competitive feelings.
Help her focus on doing her best rather than beating someone else. The
organization Girls on the Run takes this approach, and Allie Riley, the
organization’s senior vice president of programming and evaluation, says it
works. “At the 5K, the whole team will run in with a struggling girl, or
you’ll see two girls trying to cross the finish line together.” At home,
encourage your daughter to articulate a specific goal, then ask, “Did you
run more laps today than yesterday?” This is healthier than fixating on
whether she ran more laps than everyone else.
When girls are part of a group with a shared goal, they learn to set their
egos aside. They also may be more likely to support other women when
they enter the work world. “Unfortunately, it’s been communicated to us
over the years that there are fewer spots for women—a limited inventory,”
Orender noted, and team sports teach girls to invest in others’ success. Girls
who aren’t interested in sports can join another group with a shared vision.
Consultant Jon Gordon, author of The Power of a Positive Team,
recommends activities such as drama or marching band. “In theatre, you
have to make it about what’s best for the performance, and in a marching
band you have to trust that the person next to you won’t hit or step on you,”
he told me. “It’s all about being better for each other—no one achieves
greatness in isolation.”
Caroline Miller, a positive psychology expert and author of Getting Grit,
wants middle school girls to grow up understanding that it’s
counterproductive to undermine one another—either now or when they’re
adults. When I spoke to her, she had just returned from presenting to
women leaders in Québec. She asked them, “Does anyone feel like one of
the biggest challenges we face at work is women shooting each other from
inside the tent?” Every single woman raised their hand. She started the
#Share222 movement after hearing that complaint repeatedly. The moment
a woman hears about another woman’s achievement, Miller wants her to
post the news on two social media outlets. You can model that kind of
supportive behavior for your daughter, and also coach her to behave the
same way. Instead of posting a party pic or selfie, encourage her to share
news about a girlfriend who achieved a meaningful personal goal. This
practice kicks off a positive cycle. Girls want to reciprocate, and they learn
to focus more on friendship and tenacity than popularity or appearance.
In addition to teaching your daughter to celebrate other girls’ successes,
you can look for conferences that unite and empower girls. Ashley
Eckstein, founder of Her Universe and the voice of Ahsoka Tano in Star
Wars, recently brought her thirteen-year-old niece to the Girl Up Leadership
Summit in Washington, DC. She wanted her to experience what it felt like
to be around hundreds of girls celebrating one another. One of the speakers
was sixteen-year-old Chanice Lee, editor in chief of the Melanin Diary, a
popular online global platform for black teens. “When I introduced
Chanice, the cheers from the audience of just other girls literally gave me
goosebumps,” Eckstein told me. “Something very right was happening in
that room.”

Learn to navigate conflict and articulate feelings.

Parents can coach girls to solve problems on their own, whether they need
academic support or want more responsibility at an internship. Urge your
daughter to use her voice, whether she actively contributes to class
discussions, writes for the school paper, or champions a cause. Recently,
Shipman’s daughter was upset that a school activity was offered only to
boys, and she summoned the courage to ask administrators to revisit the
policy. Although she didn’t love the initial result, she felt good about
representing all girls. It was a learning experience for Shipman, too.
“Halfway through, I realized the outcome didn’t matter, because it was such
a valuable experience for her to advocate for herself.”
Mothers can make a point of speaking up in front of their daughters.
“When I was little, my mother would complain at Roy Rogers that her
french fries weren’t hot,” Simmons told me. “I was dying at the time, but
when I was about thirty I found myself doing the same thing.” You may not
know what will make an impact, but your daughter is watching and
listening. Orenstein notes that it may be hard for some mothers to express
their feelings, ideas, limits, and wants. “Boys have issues around being
allowed only happiness and anger, but girls need practice articulating
disagreement or boundaries,” she explained. “We don’t give girls a lot of
language, because it feels like you’re not being nice. When my daughter
was in preschool and needed to be more assertive, my husband would
practice with her and say, ‘This is what you say, and this is what you do.’ I
watched and was like, ‘Wow, I wouldn’t know what to do.’”

Don’t let anyone else define her goals.

If you want your daughter to dream big, underscore the importance of a
support network, whether it’s family, peers, or future colleagues. No one
can be successful at everything, so encourage her to stay optimistic and to
believe in her intrinsic value even when she stumbles. If she doesn’t
experience failure or disappointment, she may never discover her inner
strength or realize she can triumph after a string of setbacks.
At every step of the way, ask your daughter questions to help her
formulate a plan. What does she hope to accomplish? What does she need
to do to get there? How can she move forward when things don’t go as
planned? Whether she follows a choreographed path or takes unexpected
detours, her journey will be smoother if she feels confident in the driver’s
seat.

TOP TIPS FOR PARENTS

Don’t be overly critical of your daughter (or yourself).

Encourage her to take credit for her work and to seek mentors.
Define leadership as making a difference.
Treat your sons and daughters the same. If you teach your son
about the stock market, for instance, teach your daughter, too. Boys
and girls also should be assigned the same chores and follow the
same rules.
Talk about your personal experiences as a woman, and times you
persevered through obstacles (share these with your son, too).
Encourage your daughter to celebrate other girls’ meaningful
accomplishments.
Urge your daughter to use her voice, whether she’s ordering a meal
in a restaurant, protesting a school policy, or participating in a
march.

CONVERSATION STARTERS

“Do you think others are as hard on you as you are on yourself?”
“What does being a leader mean to you? What are the different
ways someone can be a leader?”
“What helps you recover after a setback?”
“What are some ways that girls benefit when they build one another
up rather than tear one another down?”
“Is there anything you’d do differently if you thought no one would
judge you?”
“Can you think of a time when you realized that you were stronger
than you thought?”
CHAPTER 16

TAKING RISKS IN A WORLD OF NO’S

KEY SKILLS

6—Self-advocate
7—Self-regulate emotions
8—Cultivate passions and recognize
limitations
9—Make responsible, healthy, and
ethical choices
10—Create and innovate

“Why would I try out when there’s no way I’ll ever get cast in the
play?”
“Elliot will get all the votes because he has way more friends.”
“I don’t know anyone on my new team, so I’m done with soccer.”

“THERE’S NO WAY I’M SPENDING SUMMER VACATION TRYING out for tennis,”
my daughter Emily told me. “I doubt I’ll make the team.” She was fourteen
and hadn’t started high school yet, but the coaches ran junior varsity tryouts
during the summer after eighth grade.
“Do you want to be on the team?” I asked her.
“I do, but I’m going to get cut.” Her brother Ben, then fifteen, looked up
from his phone. “Well, you definitely won’t make the team if you don’t try
out.”
As a little girl, Emily had loved to sing songs for strangers and share
stories she “wrote” by stringing random letters together. But like many kids,
by the time she hit middle school, she had started to become more cautious
and less willing to make mistakes. We encouraged her to take risks, own her
goals, and learn that she could bounce back from disappointment.
I tried to frame the tryout in a positive light, but I really hoped she’d
reach a decision on her own. We were still going in circles several days
later when her brother had an epiphany. “You know, you should try out for
the varsity team,” he told her. This turned out to be a highly inflammatory
suggestion.
“Are you out of your mind?” Emily asked. “If I’m worried about making
JV, why would I try out for varsity?”
Ben explained that kids who are cut from varsity start out higher on the
ladder for JV tryouts. “I wish I’d done that,” he told her. “I still would have
ended up on JV, but it’s a smart strategy.” Somehow, he convinced her to
tell the coach that she might try out for varsity.
The night before varsity tryouts, the coach emailed the players.
Apparently, he had missed the critical word “might” in Emily’s email. She
was listed on his roster and expected to show up the following morning.
The coach explained the process. Each day, he wrote, the girls could
challenge the person directly above them on the ladder. At the end of the
week, the top twelve players would make the team. Emily came downstairs
to show me the email, highlighting one data point in particular. “I told you,”
she said. “I really am ranked the lowest. Number twenty-five out of twenty-
five players!”
“Look on the bright side,” I said. “You’ve got nowhere to go but up.” I
finally got a laugh.
The next morning, I drove her to the school courts and headed to work.
She sent her brother a text after she arrived. “Just so you know, I’m going to
get crushed,” she wrote. “Go down fighting,” he told her. And then we
heard nothing.
When I picked Emily up that afternoon, she was noticeably calmer. “I
beat number twenty-four,” she said. Over the course of the week, she
continued to challenge up. The following day she beat number twenty-
three, then number twenty-two. She beat everyone she played, ultimately
landing at number nineteen. When I picked her up on the last day, the coach
pulled me aside. “She had no business beating the other players,” he said.
“They’re all technically better, but she fought for every ball. If you keep
signing her up for lessons, she won’t have to work so hard.”
Later that day, he cut Emily from varsity, but she didn’t care. She had
overcome her fear, accomplished more than she expected, and discovered
she was pretty scrappy. She transitioned to junior varsity tryouts and landed
the third singles spot. That’s when I finally exhaled. As a parent, it may be
harder to push our kids out of their comfort zone than to take risks
ourselves.
As it is, the world tells children, “No, you can’t,” in endless ways. They
hear it from adults, peers, and, as Emily learned, even from themselves. It’s
so easy for kids to get derailed, to succumb to negativity and internal
defeatist voices. At times, I catch myself discouraging my children from
chasing ill-fated goals, but I’m doing them no favors. My advice may seem
loving, protective, and even sound, but it’s equally likely to be premature,
misguided, or limiting. I try to check myself, to remember that children are
perpetually learning and maturing.
Setbacks build resilience and are a necessary part of that journey. We
need to teach kids how to take risks and move forward with optimism. This
is a tough task for anyone, but it’s especially challenging when you’re
twelve or thirteen and feel like everyone is watching you. Here are several
ways to help your middle schooler summon the courage to fail.

Identify why something feels risky.

Your child may not understand why they fear an activity. Do they worry
about being judged? Are they afraid of making a mistake? Does it feel too
high-stakes? Sue Ashford, who conducts research on why people avoid
leadership roles, explains that there are three categories of risk. “There’s
image risk. Will I look stupid by stepping up when I see a need? There’s
interpersonal risk. I could step up and lead, but maybe my friend wanted to
lead and it would hurt our relationship.” There’s also instrumental risk,
which relates to real consequences. If a child leads a project and it goes
well, they get credit for being the anchor. But if it doesn’t go well, they
could get blamed.
Instead of offering a generic, “It’ll be fine,” help your child identify
what’s giving them pause and validate their concerns. Then work
backwards—ask them to envision the end goal, and encourage them to
make the attempt. As my son pointed out, you won’t win any contests you
don’t enter, so remind them to let others do the rejecting. If they don’t get
cast in the play, or they get cut from the baseball team, there’s no rule that
they can’t try out again. It still may not work out in their favor, but they get
to decide how many attempts they can tolerate.
You can point out that even Kobe Bryant had to deal with negativity. His
school counselor told him his dream of being an NBA player was
unrealistic and he should choose something else. Although that may be
solid advice for 99.9 percent of kids, someone will grow up to be a Kobe
Bryant. No one can predict the future, and your child should do what
inspires them. Tell them that although they can’t control anyone else’s
thoughts or behavior, they can count on their own perseverance. They
should bet on themselves and expect success, not because they know more
than others, but because they care deeply, and they can trust themselves to
put in both the time and effort.

Recognize that quitting can feel risky.

Quitting can require bravery, too. A child may stay the course because
they’ve been told they’re gifted and shouldn’t squander their potential. Or
they may be afraid to admit they’re miserable because their parents have
sunk so much time and money into their pursuit. It can be hard for an adult
to shift direction, let alone a middle schooler. Your child may need explicit
permission.
Persistence and grit are important, but walking away might help kids
lead happier, healthier lives. Several studies, including one by Canadian
researchers Gregory Miller and Carsten Wrorsch, have shown that people
who let go of unattainable or unwanted goals enjoy better well-being and
experience fewer illnesses. Help your child figure out what drives them,
what they truly love to do, and what they hope to accomplish. As author
and educator Alfie Kohn wrote in the Washington Post, “Even if you don’t
crash and burn by staying the course, you may not fare nearly as well as if
you’d stopped, reassessed, and tried something else.”
Still, quitting can feel counterintuitive. If your child (or you) needs
reassurance, consider the many examples of well-known people who let go
of one goal in favor of another. Business Insider ran an article on famous
career changers. Vera Wang pivoted from professional figure skater to
fashion designer. Astronaut John Glenn became a US senator in Ohio.
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson was a backup linebacker for the Canadian
Football League before he crossed over to TV and movies.
Your child may know they’re done with one activity, but don’t know
what they’d like to try instead. Create a list of possibilities together and tell
your child to pick one. If they can’t decide, tell them you’ll pick something
for them, but reassure them that if they don’t like it, they can make a
different choice the next time. To maximize the chance of a good match,
build the risk-taking around their interests. If your child fears new social
situations but loves to draw, an art class might be a good stretch.

Help your child get an accurate read on feedback.

Kids can walk down the hall and get tons of feedback, both good and bad.
For a child prone to self-doubt, an incorrect read might stop them in their
tracks. It’s terrifying to give a presentation or try out for a play in front of a
group of peers you believe are judging you. I counseled one sixth-grade
student, Summer, who was convinced her teacher had a favorite student—
and that it wasn’t her. Her mother told me it was interfering with her
willingness to contribute to class discussions. She also told me she
suspected her daughter was oversensitive and off base.
Some kids are too attentive—someone looks at them funny and they feel
belittled. Kids with low self-esteem tend to interpret messages in ways that
align with their self-concept. Your child may need to take a step back to
gain perspective. Help them look for patterns and question whether they’re
accurately decoding others’ reactions. In Summer’s case, I told her I’d
observe the classroom dynamic. When I told her that I hadn’t seen any
evidence of favoritism, she conceded that it was possible her insecurity
might be unfounded. We talked about how she could continue to raise her
hand, regardless of whether or not she was the “teacher’s pet.”

Start with small exposures.

Claire Shipman explains to parents that risk-taking and confidence-building
are transferrable, and their child can build those muscles by taking “starter
risks.” If they’re trying to summon the courage to try out for the basketball
team, but they’re terrible, start with a smaller gamble. They could try
making an omelet, or introduce themselves to a potential new friend. Those
more comfortable actions will put them in the mind-set of taking bigger
risks. All anxieties respond to exposure, which is why many kids seem to
outgrow their shyness.
Shipman took this gradual approach with her daughter. “She recently
wanted to hang out with a new seventh-grade girl, but she was worried
about asking her directly,” she told me. “She developed this slow strategy
of talking to her about weekends and things she might do, then decided to
ask her indirectly by saying, ‘Do you want to hang out sometime?’” When
that went okay, she texted the girl to say, “Do you want to come over this
weekend?” “At each step of the way, she actually applauded herself a bit,
and I could see that her confidence was building. I didn’t understand how
big a thing this was, but social interactions are hard.”
Small exposures work in the school setting, too. On more than one
occasion, I’ve discovered a seventh-grade girl crying in the bathroom right
before her mini TED Talk, a videotaped speech about an important aspect
of her identity (an assignment I explain in more detail in Chapter 5). For
some students, public speaking is terrifying. When this happens, I scaffold
the risk-taking. The student might read the speech to me alone, or to me and
a few friends they trust will support them. I’ve had kids practice by
presenting with their back to the crowd. One boy asked me if he could read
it really fast without glancing up. A girl wanted to build up to the big
moment by literally reading the speech from inside the bathroom stall.
Different approaches work for different students, and I’ll do whatever I can
to keep them from backing out completely.
In a situation like this, ask your child to rate their anxiety on a one-to-ten
scale, then talk about what would constitute a risk in the four-through-seven
range so you can customize the risk-taking. Look for any motivating factors
and come up with contingency plans. If they don’t meet with success, don’t
be overly reactive. Instead, suggest they take a break or try a different
strategy. As Quiet Revolution founder Susan Cain told me, “When you
imagine the normal fears people have, they’re amplified immeasurably in
middle school. The boy you have a crush on or the girl who shut you out of
her clique might be in the audience, and it’s easy for parents to forget how
all-consuming those dynamics can be.”
It’s important to get it right now, while your child is malleable. If you
force kids out of their comfort zone during their formative years and they
have a traumatic experience but never a successful one, the fear could linger
for decades. “For the rest of their life, their amygdala will send the signal,
‘Get the hell out of there, don’t do this.’ It gets encoded, and their brain
doesn’t move on,” Cain explained. At the same time, some discomfort is
okay. No one ever died from having a feeling, and you don’t want your
child to believe they shouldn’t do something because it feels scary. That
may be adaptive if you’re talking about crossing a busy highway at rush
hour, but it’s less helpful when their fear prevents them from trying out for
the school play.
Demonstrate bravery in your own life, too. Talk about your fears and let
them see you try to conquer them. If you’re afraid of heights, tell them
when you braved the balcony of a high-rise. If you’re afraid of public
speaking, share when you summoned the courage to present to a group.
Parents may inadvertently send the opposite message. If you say, “I don’t
want to invite the neighbor over because the house is a disaster,” for
example, your child’s takeaway will be that you avoid social risks.
There are some kids who have the opposite problem; they go overboard
and endanger themselves. Your child will be less inclined to put themselves
in harm’s way if they have a wide repertoire of strategies to manage stress.
(I’ll offer tips in Chapter 17.) Sometimes, a child simply has a higher
threshold for risk than their parents. When my friend Alison Pion’s son was
fourteen, he participated in an outdoor program that tracked wolves for
weeks at a time, with no cell phone or ability to communicate with the
outside world. When he’d head into the wilderness, Pion had to take more
than a few deep breaths. “I want him to take reasonable risks, but that
means I have to put aside my worries and need to be in control of the
situation,” she told me. “I have to weigh these opposing responsibilities. I
want to keep him safe, but also raise someone who can do things in life and
be independent. I feel that’s a gift I can give him.”
It’s hard not to send mixed messages. “Parents will say, ‘Take risks,’ but
at the same time they’ll say, ‘What were you thinking when you rode that
electric scooter across town?’” When I spoke to psychotherapist Amy
Morin, she pointed out that children’s risk-taking becomes uneven in
middle school. “A kid may do a physical stunt without batting an eye, but
won’t make a presentation. You might gain some street credibility if you
take that dare, but if you mess up a science experiment you might fall down
a few notches, and for middle schoolers that can feel like the worst thing in
the world.”
To avoid confusion, help your child understand the difference between a
healthy risk and an unsafe risk. Kenneth Ginsburg suggests thinking of your
child’s behavior as a puzzle with 1,000 pieces. The edges symbolize the
power of discipline and modeling. You want your child to understand your
boundaries, because that’s about their safety. Once you have those edges in
place, it’s time to consult the cover of the box to get a sense of what the
puzzle should look like. You’re that cover image, and it’s your job to model
what it means to take safe risks. At the end, you’re left with the irregular
pieces in the middle, which represent your child’s role. Their job is to fail
and recover within those boundaries you’ve established. Be a consistent
presence through their ups and downs, and remember that almost
everything that happens within the context of school is a safe risk.
When your child wants to take smart risks, positive reinforcement is key.
You may need to challenge a bias toward negativity, in them or in yourself.
Rick Hanson, a neuropsychologist who wrote Resilient: How to Grow an
Unshakeable Core of Calm, Strength, and Happiness, has done research
that shows our brains are hard-wired to pay more attention to bad
experiences than to good ones, and negative self-talk can get in the way. Be
sure to reflect on your child’s progress and note any success, no matter how
small.
 IDEA FOR EDUCATORS
SCAFFOLD RISK-TAKING FOR STUDENTS WHO FEAR PUBLIC
SPEAKING
Before presentations, acknowledge to students that
public speaking can feel scary. Invite any students with
specific concerns to meet with you in advance. Have
them rate their anxiety level on a one-to-ten scale, and
ask them what would constitute a risk in the four-
through-seven range. They may respond that they’d
feel better if they presented to a smaller group first, or
delivered a shortened version of their presentation. If
you push a student too far too fast, it can backfire, and
they may develop an even bigger phobia. It’s better to
offer gradual exposure and praise any incremental
improvement. The idea is to scaffold the risk-taking, not
allow them to opt out completely.

Look outward instead of inward.

Instead of being reactive to their environment, help your child focus on
what they’re hoping to create in the world. Middle schoolers have an easier
time shedding fear and rising above negativity when they look beyond
themselves to the needs of their community. Pose the question, “What
might help everyone have a better experience together?”
I’ve seen how powerful and affirming this outreach can be for students.
My former student Emily Axelrod was in eighth grade when she wanted to
start a GSA at Pyle Middle School. It would be the school’s first student-
run club, and its first and only affinity group. I caught up with Axelrod
when she was in high school to get her thoughts on the experience a few
years removed. “It was unclear what it would look like, if it would be
allowed, and if we’d have resistance,” Axelrod told me. “Until then, clubs
were something your parents signed you up for, and this was something
parents wouldn’t even necessarily know about. We had to be under the
radar.”
She met with the principal, Chris Nardi, and me to talk about her idea.
She had written a detailed proposal with the club’s cofounder that addressed
everything from advertising to safety. She also met with me separately to
discuss confidentiality, students’ well-being, and a few personal concerns.
“Part of it was that I knew I could tell people I was the straight part of the
GSA, and other founders didn’t have that privilege,” she recalled. As one of
the students setting up the space, she felt responsible for making sure no
participants were negatively impacted. She frequently had to defend the
club to students who insisted there were no gay people in the school and,
therefore, no need for a GSA.
Although she had moments of discomfort, Axelrod told me her closeted
and questioning peers were the brave ones. “There were quite a few kids
who hadn’t come out to their parents, and they had to trust that the kids in
the club would maintain confidentiality.” They had reason to be wary, she
added, because some students were not accepting. “Kids would use slurs,
call each other gay as an insult, and make fun of the kids with dyed hair
who dressed androgynously. I think we brought some of that to the
surface,” she added. Three years later, Axelrod says she’s most proud of the
fact that the GSA is still going strong. “We were worried it would only last
a year because most of the vocal members were eighth graders, but it’s still
thriving. The fact that we started it was a huge step forward.”
When kids look outward, they’re also less likely to fixate on perceived
physical imperfections. Middle schoolers tend to see themselves in a
different, and often harsher, light than how others see them. Explain that a
negative self-perception may stop them from putting themselves out there,
whether they want to reach out to a new friend or audition for a play, and no
one is as focused on them as they think they are.

Let them challenge rules.

Let your child see you question or disobey ridiculous rules, or advocate for
a group that’s being treated unfairly. My kids know that I’ll ignore a “No
Trespassing” sign on a deserted beach. At times, it’s better to seek
forgiveness instead of permission. Whether your child wants to defy an
overly restrictive dress code or petition for recess, don’t negate their
concerns. Middle school is the perfect time to emphasize that if you ask
enough people, there’ll always be someone whose job is to say “no.”
If your child’s pursuit is worthwhile, ethical, and safe, urge them to take
a chance. It’s a lot easier to stop something than to create something, so
encourage them to make naysayers work hard to put on the brakes. Then
have their back. It’s okay to be honest about your concerns, but don’t let
your own discomfort get in their way. If your child’s venture goes awry,
swing into debrief mode. Ask, “What do you think you’d do differently next
time? Do you feel like you made any positive change? How did it feel to
take that risk?”
If your child feels they’ve been treated unfairly or dismissively, be a
sounding board and help them maintain their sense of purpose. The world is
full of kind, good, and generous people. Let them know, however, that some
may treat them with judgment or contempt, especially if they try to change
the status quo. Remind them that this has nothing to do with them.
Encourage them to take the high road and stay positive.
My friend Genie’s eighth-grade daughter and her friends decided to take
on a school policy they disliked. The girls were upset that bikinis were
forbidden at a school-sponsored pool party. When they asked an
administrator for an explanation, they were told it was a long-standing rule.
“They kept getting vague answers and grew increasingly frustrated,” Genie
told me. She didn’t direct her daughter, but she listened, validated that kids
could challenge an adult’s decision, and referenced history. “Not just laws
around gender, but ones related to race and sexuality. A rule can be in play
for so long, we don’t question it, but we need to shake things up
sometimes.”
The girls wrote a letter in petition format arguing that it was an unfair
policy. “They protested on the grounds that it was biased, and explained
that it’s one thing to say you want to have everyone’s stomach covered, but
to focus on girls’ bellies and suggest it’s highly sexualized and would tempt
boys is sexist to both sides,” Genie said. The school decided to change the
policy, only mandating “appropriate and comfortable attire.” “I think it was
key that I said her grievances were legitimate, but the actions and choices
came from her. I did stress respect and taking the time to think through the
issues.”
 TOP TIPS FOR PARENTS

Ask your child to rate their fear on a one-to-ten scale and help them
shoot for risks in the four-through-seven range.
Give positive reinforcement and don’t let your own anxiety get in
their way.
Let your child question ridiculous rules or policies.
Encourage them to go for what they want and let others do the
rejecting.
For kids who push the envelope, set clear boundaries regarding
safety and morality.
For risks that don’t fall into those two categories, allow room for trial,
error, and recovery.
Let them see you take risks.

CONVERSATION STARTERS

“You know how public speaking makes me nervous? Well, today I

gave a presentation in front of my practice group.”
“Here’s a list of new activities I think you might like. Which ones look
good? You have to try something, but I want it to be something that
appeals to you.”
“I know you’re not where you want to be yet, but I’m really proud of
the progress you’ve made.”
“If you don’t like that rule, is there anything you could do to change
it?”
CHAPTER 17

MANAGING SETBACKS AND SHORING UP

RESILIENCE

KEY SKILLS

6—Self-advocate
7—Self-regulate emotions
9—Make responsible, healthy, and
ethical choices

“My parents say they hope my generation will clean up the mess
they’ve made. That’s a whole lot of pressure.”
“Middle school can be kind of a mess—there’s romantic drama,
friend drama, and pressure to figure out who you are. Everyone’s
pretending to know exactly what they’re doing, but no one does.”
“Everyone thought I was an overachiever and maybe worked a
little too hard, but I looked happy, so no one was too concerned
until my anxiety went through the roof.”

IN EIGHTH GRADE, SOFIA, NOW FIFTEEN, WAS INSANELY BUSY performing in the
musical, captaining the handbell choir, prepping for regionals in debate,
competing on the math team, singing in chorus, playing the harp, and
getting straight A’s. On the outside, she looked happy, but internally she
was falling apart. Middle school had all the elements of a perfect storm. “It
was a build-up where I never realized how anxious I’d been all my life,”
she told me. “I had trouble focusing on schoolwork, felt my friends’ stress
on top of my own, and I didn’t know how to handle an awkward dating
relationship.” Still, everyone thought she was happy. “A lot of the time I
was, but I was very good at smiling and hiding my stress, even from the
people closest to me.”
Sofia finally sat her mother down and said she thought she might be
depressed. “Since it was so incongruous with how I acted, it took my
parents a few weeks to understand,” she said. She started meeting with her
school counselor and seeing a psychologist, and she learned coping
strategies, including mindfulness and self-validation. When she went to
high school, the first few months were rough, but she was able to worry a
lot less. “I got a seventy-five on a math quiz and I was able to stop thinking
about it in two minutes. One math quiz isn’t going to determine my future,
or whether I go to college, or who’s going to be friends with me or like me.
I’ve realized that I’m fifteen, I can’t change the world, I can’t get 100
percent on every assessment, everyone I like won’t like me back, and I have
to be okay with that.”
Identifying depression or anxiety in middle schoolers isn’t always
straightforward. They don’t always recognize when their behavior has
changed or when they need support, and they can appear silly and light in
the midst of crushing stress. Between sessions at a middle school
conference in Philadelphia, educator William Parker and I talked about how
parents are conditioned to expect a fair amount of moodiness from kids this
age. As a result, Parker, a father of four, didn’t realize his thirteen-year-old
daughter was struggling with depression until she admitted she was
checking out websites on self-harm. “If she hadn’t come to us, I’m not sure
I would have noticed anything was wrong, which is scary,” he told me.
The National Institutes of Health reported that nearly a third of all
adolescents ages thirteen to eighteen will experience an anxiety disorder
during their lifetime, with the incidence among girls (38.0 percent) far
outpacing that among boys (26.1 percent). According to the Journal of
Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics, more than one in twenty kids had
current anxiety or depression in 2011–2012. To help spot problems, the
American Academy of Pediatrics has issued updated guidelines that call for
universal screening for depression for kids age twelve and up. Only about
50 percent of adolescents with depression get diagnosed, and as many as
two in three depressed teens don’t get treatment.
This finding doesn’t surprise me. Every time I give a lesson on anxiety
and depression and offer support, at least one student comes to see me right
away. Often, they had no idea until I broached the topic that feeling
unbearable sadness or anxiety is a valid reason to seek help. I’ve started
encouraging all teachers to self-identify as a safe person to approach for
assistance with emotional issues. Every kid needs an adult, and student-
counselor ratios are absurdly high. Plus, students may connect more readily
with someone other than their school counselor.
For educator Ned Johnson, that person was one of his seventh-grade
teachers. He spent three months in a psychiatric hospital when he was
thirteen, after walking around for years as a perfectionist, thinking he
should kill himself. He’d always assumed his teachers loved him because
he got perfect grades. “When I came back from the hospital, I was afraid I’d
run a gauntlet of kids saying, ‘Here’s the crazy kid,’ and the teachers
saying, ‘How could you let us down?’” Ms. Greenberg was his favorite
teacher, and he thought she’d ask, “Where are all your assignments?” “But
when I poked my head in like a little rat afraid to get its head taken off by a
hawk, her face lit up,” Johnson recalled. “She said, ‘Ned, how are you?’ I
thought, ‘Oh thank god, I can relax.’”
Kids need that kind of support. The American Psychological
Association surveyed more than 1,000 teens who said their stress level
during the school year far exceeds what they believe to be healthy. In a
survey of 22,000 high schoolers conducted by the Yale Center for
Emotional Intelligence and Lady Gaga’s Born This Way Foundation, 29
percent of students reported feeling stressed. Meanwhile, according to the
Centers for Disease Control, the suicide rate among ten- to fourteen-year-
olds doubled in the United States from 2007 to 2014. In 2011, for the first
time in more than twenty years, more teenagers died from suicide than
homicide.
This is not to say we should eliminate every stressor. We’ve become
anxiety phobic—if something feels scary, kids think they shouldn’t do it.
That “fight or flight” reflex was adaptive when we were cavemen who
needed to run from a lion, but it’s less helpful today. As I pointed out in the
chapter on taking risks, exposure to some anxiety can be good for kids and
teach them how to adapt and rebound. Your child is going to face problems
they can’t readily solve. In those moments, they need to know how to
conserve their energy, take care of themselves, and focus on what they can
control. Here are several strategies that will help them shore up their
resilience so they can navigate the ups and downs of middle school and
beyond.

Understand your child’s world and help them process

troubling events.
Every middle schooler today was born after September 11, 2001, when the
world changed in an instant. Ben, my oldest child, was born that summer,
and I never would have predicted that in time I’d become wary of exposing
him to unfiltered current events, or that I’d largely lose that battle once he
got a cell phone and 24-7 news alerts. I never envisioned that in my role as
a middle school counselor, I’d need to reassure students concerned about
jihadists and school shootings.
Over time, access to new technologies has magnified each new tragedy,
repeatedly exposing kids to deeply troubling images. As adolescent social
worker Britt Rathbone told me, “They’re seeing all kinds of disturbing stuff
on the Internet that they don’t want to admit they saw, so they can’t ask for
help. They’re finding videos of people getting their heads cut off, and
sexual stuff that can be quite unusual.” And the more unusual, the more
they talk about it. If that information comes from a fellow eighth grader,
there’s no easy avenue for getting support.
Even without the constant exposure to terrible news, middle schoolers
are already a simmering stew of emotions, and for many, fear has been
added to the pot. Some of my students have memorized procedures from
school emergency handbooks. They know how to shelter in place if there’s
a chemical or biological attack, and how to lock down their classroom and
hide in a closet if a crazed shooter storms the school. This is their normal.
One of my eighth graders told me her parents hope her generation will fix
the mess they’ve made. To her, that feels like one more source of pressure.
While recent events have turned some kids into activists, others are stuck in
a perpetual state of heightened vigilance. From a neurological and
physiological perspective, all this fear and anxiety isn’t good for them. It
hinders their ability to focus and learn, to feel empathy and self-
compassion, and to manage their feelings.
To help your child digest the constant stream of information, make sure
they know how to sort fact from misinformation. Listen to their fears
without minimizing them, and try to discern what they need. Is it
information? Context? Perspective? Reassurance? Comfort? Remind them
of the helpers doing good, and of the school officials and law enforcement
professionals working to keep them safe. While there’s no such thing as an
“average” middle schooler, most children under age twelve won’t be able to
handle violent footage. Do your best to limit younger middle schoolers’
exposure to upsetting images by monitoring screen time and online
exploration, but continue to answer their questions and help them process
events. This can be tough for parents, especially when you’re asked to
explain something you can’t make sense of yourself.

Loosen control, but be there to help them recover.

To ensure your child can experience a challenge, recover, and grow from it,
make it clear you’re there for them and have their back. Michael Meaney’s
classic rat study on resiliency shows how this works. His researchers would
stress out rat pups by reaching into the cage and picking them up with latex
gloves. Then they’d return the rat pups to their mother, who would lick and
groom them. “Like Teflon, the cortisol would slide right out of their
system,” Ned Johnson explains, adding, “It’s this back and forth of, ‘Oh my
goodness, thank god, oh my goodness, thank god.” The rat pups’ nervous
systems became wired to know that in the presence of a stressor, they could
handle it, and that turned them into adventurous, “California laid-back rats.”
Unlike more typical rats, who hide in corners to avoid predators, these rats
would venture out to the middle of the cage for treats or to play.
Recently, Johnson’s eighth-grade daughter, Katie, got a fifty-two on a
test. He made a point of staying calm and poking fun at the situation. That
was his way of “licking and grooming.” He asked her if she was surprised,
and she said, “I’m really mad. I did well on the long answers, but terrible on
the multiple choice.” Katie also admitted she had studied the wrong
material. A few days later, Johnson asked her if he could make a
suggestion, and they talked about how she could prepare differently for the
next test, including making sure she had the right handouts. In the end,
Katie learned that she could fail a test, survive, and move forward. “It’s that
sense of control that she doesn’t have to be a fifty-two student,” Johnson
explained. “I’m saying it’s hilarious, and that I’m not more upset than she is
—that’s licking and grooming. Yes, she bombed something, but she’s still
super bright, the sun will still come up, and Dad still loves her.”
To understand how important it is for kids to feel a sense of agency,
consider researcher Sonia Lupien’s N.U.T.S. model of stress. For something
to be stressful, it has to contain novelty and unpredictability, pose a threat to
the ego, and undermine one’s sense of control. When children understand
that the actions they take help determine the outcome, they feel less
anxious. After the school shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High
School, for example, middle schoolers across the country raised funds,
lobbied for better gun control, and helped organize events, including the
March for Our Lives. Encourage your child to acknowledge when they’ve
made these kinds of positive contributions. While it never hurts to count
your blessings, researchers Adam Grant and Jane Dutton found that
focusing on the good you do can be even more powerful and less passive
than adopting an attitude of gratitude.
It’s not easy to hand over the reins to your child. When women give
birth, their brains literally change to help them be more alert to their baby’s
needs, and it can be hard to let go of that hypervigilance. You don’t want to
protect your child from all adversity—you want to be there when they
experience it. Maybe their boyfriend or girlfriend broke up with them, or
their friend lost interest in them, or they didn’t make the travel softball
team. Once your child has taken steps to recover, ask, “Are you happy with
how you handled the situation? Would you do anything differently next
time?” Praise them for making the effort to get through a rough patch.
Keep in mind that loosening control doesn’t mean handing over all
decision-making. Questions such as, “Should Mom or Dad take that new
job?” are inappropriate for middle schoolers and give them too much
power. They can’t figure the big stuff out, and you’ll only heighten their
anxiety. Instead, say, “We care about your opinion, but we’ll be making the
final call.”

Model healthy coping strategies and emotion regulation.

Middle school may be the perfect time to model self-care. Your child is old
enough to absorb lessons about healthy habits, but young enough to be
watching your every move.
Teach stress-management strategies, such as exercising, reading a book,
or listening to music. Make sure they express their emotions, whether that’s
through crying, laughing, talking, praying, writing, or any other artistic
expression. They can experiment to find what works for them, and you can
share strategies that work for you. You may discover you’d benefit from
meditating yourself, or from taking things off your own plate. Do what you
need to do to be a non-anxious presence.
I’ve found mindfulness to be particularly effective with middle
schoolers. Mindfulness—which is simply being aware of your negative
thoughts and feelings without judging them—is a form of self-compassion.
At an age when kids tend to be mercilessly self-critical, it can help them
accept that no one is perfect, and that they’re allowed to make mistakes.
That mind-set can ward off anxiety. A study in Health Psychology Open
found that individuals who can respond to their failures with a more
forgiving attitude are less stressed and less likely to engage in unhealthy
perfectionism or behaviors such as overeating.
Sofia told me that mindfulness has been critical for her. “Especially in
the digital age. I can just listen, or sit and watch, and be present in the
moment and not feel like I’m procrastinating,” she told me. I’ve tried a
number of different methods with students over the years, most of which
you can try at home. I’ve worked in big and small groups, from facilitating
large drop-in yoga classes during homeroom, to drinking hot chocolate
mindfully with one or two students at a time. They might smell the drink on
the inhale, then focus on cooling it off on the exhale. Sometimes, students
place stuffed animals on their chests and observe them rise and fall as they
practice deep breathing. I also have kids blow bubbles and ask them, “How
is your breathing different when you’re trying to make lots of little bubbles
as opposed to a few big ones?” Or, I’ll tell them to imagine blowing their
anxiety or anger into the bubbles.
I toss balls with kids to demonstrate that thoughts are transient, or
simply to help them calm down and feel rooted in the moment. Many kids
find it meditative to count as we throw the ball (and the more competitive
kids like to have two balls in play at once, and often come back to beat their
own record). My students create and shake jars of glitter and picture their
feelings settling along with the glitter pooling at the bottom. They write
their concerns in Sharpies on balloons and bat them back and forth, a
physical reminder that they can neutrally observe their thoughts and return
their focus to the task at hand. I’ve done mindful eating exercises with
everything from raisins to Pop Rocks. I’ll have students hold melting ice
cubes to demonstrate that they can sit with discomfort. I often ask students
to rate their distress on a scale of one to ten before and after an activity.
Invariably, they report that the simple acts of playing, moving, and having
fun help them feel better.
At home, you can spend fifteen minutes talking in a technology-free
zone. If your child seems upset, settle your own thoughts before engaging
in discussion. Some kids find it helpful to pretend they have a special
remote control that can change the channel on unpleasant thoughts. If
they’re too frustrated or irritable to concentrate on homework, don’t force
the issue. Instead, take a walk together or do something meditative, such as
playing Jenga or kneading pizza dough. They’ll be more productive after a
brief break. No matter what you do, your child will benefit from having
your undivided attention.
I’ve found that my students do better when I pair mindfulness strategies
with skill-building (see Idea for Educators). When kids feel competent, they
gain confidence and feel better-equipped to handle stressful situations. So if
you’re a baker, teach your child how to make a cake. If you’re an amateur
carpenter, let them help you with a project. If you like to knit, teach them
how to make a scarf.

IDEA FOR EDUCATORS

PAIR MINDFULNESS WITH SKILL-BUILDING
If you run mindfulness groups or classes for students,
 consider simultaneously teaching them a valuable life
skill. When kids feel competent, their confidence goes
up and their anxiety goes down. Several years ago, I
realized that while the students in my mindfulness
groups all benefited from learning relaxation strategies,
the kids who struggled academically didn’t fare as well
as the others. I wondered if they’d feel less anxious
and more confident if they learned CPR, a life-saving
skill that would set them apart from the typical middle
schooler.
I decided to test this theory with a new group of
students. My principal at the time, Chris Nardi, got
certified as a first aid and CPR instructor and trained
the kids. I taught them mindfulness while a counseling
colleague, Rebecca Best, taught mindfulness
strategies to a second group of students who didn’t get
any CPR training.
Georgetown University clinical health psychologist
and professor Ken Tercyak helped us design our
protocol. We could only collect data informally, but
based on students’ pre- and post-assessments, the
combined approach seemed to be more effective at
reducing anxiety than mindfulness training alone. I
attribute this thesis to a couple of factors. One is that
middle schoolers—whether or not they’re anxious—
benefit from believing they have a special strength. The
second is related to relationship-building. It’s powerful
when your principal chooses to invest in you. The
students’ takeaway was twofold: “My principal cares
about me, and he thinks we can learn this stuff.”

Teach them not to fear emotions.

You don’t want your child to fear big emotions. Mindfulness is one
approach, but I’m all for mixing and matching strategies. Amy Morin uses
the “Friend or Enemy” exercise to help kids understand how to wield
emotions constructively. For example, anger might be a friend if you stand
up to someone mean, but an enemy if you swear at your mother. To stop
rumination, she recommends the “White Bear” activity. First, instruct your
child to think about white bears for sixty seconds. For the next minute, tell
them they can think about anything they want except for white bears. (Of
course, they all think about white bears.) Then hand them a deck of cards
and instruct them to find all the twos. After they do that, ask them, “How
often did you think about white bears while you were searching for the
twos?” Most children will say they didn’t think about bears at all. Kids
learn they have the ability to redirect their attention and stop obsessing.
Middle schoolers often want to rehash an upsetting situation with a
friend, but that can keep them stuck in a bad place. They’re usually better
off doing something physical, like going for a run or cleaning their room.
Your child also can write their worries on index cards, then literally and
metaphorically put them aside. Some parents find it helps to put a “worry
box” in their kid’s bedroom where they can “put the worries to bed.” As I
mentioned in Chapter 11, you can even set aside short periods of “worry
time” when you talk exclusively about their fears and concerns. The rest of
the time, encourage your child to practice setting aside intrusive thoughts.
You’re not dismissing them; you’re just not letting them crowd out
everything else.
I tell my students I want them to have a “toolbox” of strategies they can
access on their own at any time. I might have them write their favorite
aphorisms or mantras on “coping cards” they can leave in their desk or
binder. They come up with statements like, “Just because my heart is racing
doesn’t mean I’m in danger,” or, “I can handle feeling stressed.” If your
child always imagines the doomsday scenario, play it out. Ask, “What’s the
evidence that’s true? If you’re right, how bad would it really be? Is there
any evidence that it’s not true? If a friend said that, how would you advise
them?”
If the catastrophizing relates to something performance-related, try to
reframe their anxiety as excitement. A Harvard study found that people who
viewed stress as a way to improve performance managed their stress better
than those who ignored it. Help them view the situation as an opportunity to
become stronger. If all else fails, remind them that emotions are fleeting and
no bad feeling lasts at the same magnitude forever.
In other chapters, I’ve written about the benefits of journaling to
understand different perspectives, raise self-awareness, and even come up
with new inventions, but expressive writing also helps kids feel better,
especially if they journal about difficult experiences. Researchers who
asked participants to journal found that those who wrote about upsetting
incidents had better psychological outcomes than those who wrote about
neutral topics.
Accepting negative emotions, period, is associated with greater
psychological health. Researchers wrote in the Journal of Personality and
Social Psychology that acceptance may keep someone from being overly
reactive.
The goal isn’t to make sure your child is happy all the time. That’s not
realistic, or even protective. Studies have shown that having a diversity of
emotions may actually prevent specific harmful ones, such as stress or
anger, from overwhelming a person. Whether your child writes it out, cries
it out, or screams it from the rooftop, let them release their feelings. There
are no shortcuts. Emotions are like trains traveling through a tunnel. The
only way out is to go all the way through.

Know when to seek therapy.

In the years since I first became a school counselor, I’ve noticed an
increasing openness to therapy. It’s a positive shift. More parents are telling
their child that they deserve to feel better and can feel better. Pediatrician
Ken Ginsburg, who provides extensive information about depression and
anxiety on the website for the Center for Parent and Teen Communication
(parentandteen.com), suggests that parents reassure their child that therapy
doesn’t “take away” emotions.
“Emotions are good things; the key is to learn to manage this blessing of
having emotions in a way that makes you a better person instead of making
you miserable,” he explained. When one of his patients is in deep emotional
distress, he’ll tell their parents, “Congratulations for having a child who is
sensitive and feels things deeply. We need to get them through this time, but
in the long run this will serve them very well.”
 The key is to make sure your child gets the mental health support they
need. As Morin pointed out, “You take your child to the dentist to take care
of their teeth; why wouldn’t you put that effort into taking care of their
mind?” I recognize that for some parents, the decision can feel loaded. One
parent told me she worried her daughter would become dependent on the
therapist. Another parent feared their child would be labeled or medicated.
Cost can be a concern, too. Many mental health–care providers don’t accept
insurance, but most communities have a crisis center that will conduct a
free assessment and provide the names of low-cost professionals.
The decision to seek therapy is clear-cut when a child is cutting
themselves or purging after meals, but more often, parents just have a gut
sense that something isn’t right. Maybe their kid’s grades are declining, or
they’re expressing dark thoughts to strangers on social media, or their
friend group has shifted dramatically. That’s an important clue—their peer
group reflects how they see themselves.
When in doubt, have a professional conduct an evaluation. They can do
an assessment without your emotions. Your child might be more likely to be
truthful, too. Some kids withhold information because they want to spare
their parents pain. In fact, researchers recently reported in the journal
Pediatrics that while 50 percent of parents are unaware that their eleven- to
seventeen-year-old is having suicidal thoughts, younger teens are more
likely than older teens to deny they’re in distress. “When talking about
adolescent suicide, half the time we’re talking about kids who are
depressed, and half the time we’re talking about kids who are impulsive,”
pediatrician Ken Ginsburg explained over the phone. “Kids this age can’t
articulate their pain as clearly as older teens, their peers are less mature and
don’t know how to recognize the signs, and they don’t want to snitch.” Put
this all together, and it’s easy to see why parents can be the last to know
their child is suffering. Some educators are trying to plug that gap. Cristina
Conolly, director of psychological services for Montgomery County Public
Schools, implemented the SOS Suicide Prevention Program in every middle
school in her district this year. Students learn to recognize the signs of
depression, care for struggling friends, and report concerns to adults.
Often, mental health treatment can be done briefly and focus on skill-
building. Britt Rathbone shared a typical situation involving a sixth-grade
boy who struggles with sleepovers and friend issues. “I may work with him
and get it under control in six to eight meetings,” he told me. “Then I may
ask, ‘Do you want to take a break? Do you want to do check-ins?’
Sometimes the family will call us back in tenth grade, and then you know
them.”

SOME WARNING SIGNS: TAKE NOTE WHEN YOUR CHILD

Loses interest in once-pleasurable activities
Becomes excessively angry or irritable
Cries for no reason
Experiences intense sadness or feelings of worthlessness or guilt
Has chronic anxiety
Has difficulty thinking or concentrating
Exhibits changes in eating or sleeping behaviors
Needs excessive reassurance
Fixates on weight or body image
Thinks often about death or dying/makes suicidal statements
Abuses substances
Self-harms
Retreats inward
Can’t get offline (addicted to gaming, social media, etc.)

Help them retain optimism, and validate their feelings.

Your middle schooler is prone to big emotions and needs to be taught to
challenge extreme or inaccurate thoughts that don’t serve them. But it’s
equally important that they recognize when they’re experiencing joy, awe,
or contentment, and hold onto those pleasant feelings as long as possible!
As psychologist Mary Alvord told me, “Optimistic kids see things as
temporary and specific—they failed the math test, they didn’t fail life.
Pessimistic kids, on the other hand, globalize that to, ‘I’m stupid and can’t
do anything well.’”
Validate your child’s feelings even if they make no sense to you. Don’t
ever say, “Why are you freaking out?” If they tell you, “Kids in school hate
me and I’m a loser,” you’re going to want to respond, “Of course you’re not
a loser!” Resist that temptation. It won’t make them feel better, and it may
even hinder their ability to rebound. Validating doesn’t mean you agree. It
simply communicates, “I can imagine feeling that way.” If your son is upset
that his teacher embarrassed him in class, for example, you could say, “I’d
be mad, too, if my teacher made fun of me.” After he’s had a chance to
calm down, you can then ask, “Do you think he meant it personally?” Sofia
has learned how to validate herself, and she says her parents also have
worked hard on this skill. She told me it’s made a big difference. “When I
feel heard, I can get to the real problem-solving without the quintessential
teenage moment, ‘Mom, you just don’t get it.’”

TOP TIPS FOR PARENTS

Teach your child to talk back to the worry. They can say, “This isn’t
helpful, so I’m going to ignore you,” or, “This will be over soon.”
Help them process troubling events.
Be there to help them recover from a setback.
Validate their feelings.
Help them connect to times they’ve been successful in the past.
Create coping cards with their favorite strategies.
Come up with mantras such as, “I can handle feeling anxious.”
Set aside short periods of designated “worry time,” or put a “worry
box” in their bedroom where they can “put their fears to bed.”
Model taking a deep breath when you’re stressed—and when you
do, announce it out loud. Draw on other mindfulness strategies as
needed.
Look for signs that it’s time to consider therapy.

CONVERSATION STARTERS

“What are some situations that make you feel anxious?”

“If you were in a crisis, who could you go to for help?”
“What are some coping strategies you can use when you feel
stressed or anxious?”
“I know that experience was unsettling. Do you want to talk about
it?”
“On a scale of one to ten, how big is this worry? What would make it
more manageable?”
CHAPTER 18

PREPARING KIDS FOR A CHANGING WORLD

KEY SKILLS

2—Negotiate conflict
5—Consider others’ perspectives
6—Self-advocate
8—Cultivate passions and recognize
limitations
10—Create and innovate

“I hate group projects because I’m the only one who ever does
anything. If I just said, ‘Forget it,’ we’d get an F.”
“I have no idea what I want to do. I’m not really good at
anything.”
“My parents want me to keep playing violin, but I hate it. They’re
like, ‘If you quit violin, you’ll just use that time to draw cartoons.’
Well, I might, but it’s my life.”

IN MIDDLE SCHOOL, KATIE BARRY STRUGGLED TO CONTROL THE heap of

tangled papers and books in her locker. She could buy a locker shelf, but
they were rigid, expensive, and not very durable. They also couldn’t be
reused, because lockers varied in size from grade to grade. This was a
problem for her classmates, too, and in eighth grade, she decided to design
“Katie’s Locker Hammock.” Her solution—an inexpensive, flexible shelf
constructed out of fabric, grommets, and suction cups—won Stanley Black
and Decker’s 2017 Most Innovative award.
With half of all US jobs at high risk of being automated within the next
two years, creative problem solvers like Barry will have an edge, says
Roxanne Moore, a research engineer on the faculty at Georgia Tech and
director of the K–12 InVenture Challenge. Soft skills such as agility and
inventiveness may predict success more than grades, scores, or core
knowledge.
Fostering these traits is especially important in middle school because
that’s when they tend to wane. In his famous Creativity Test in 1968,
George Land found that creativity drops from 30 percent to 12 percent
between ages ten and fifteen. I spoke to Jeanine Esposito, managing
director of Innovation Builders in Westport, Connecticut, who told me she’s
spent her whole career teaching people how to think the way they did when
they were little kids. “Literally 90 percent of four- to five-year-olds are
using innovation-type tools to solve a problem—iteration of ideas, no self-
censoring, understanding it from a totally different perspective,” she said.
That drops to 30 percent by age ten and to 2 percent in adulthood. We need
to catch kids in middle school and help them retain what they already know
how to do.
As these concerns trickle down to schools, they’re incorporating more
experiential learning. This isn’t about dismissing the importance of
foundational skills. As Scott Murphy, a director in Montgomery County
Public Schools, told me, “You can’t interpret information in different
contexts if you don’t know how to read. Kids can google anything, but they
still have to be able to filter what they find for credibility and meaning. The
job of schooling and the job of parents isn’t just preparing kids for college.
College isn’t a career.”
Executives at cutting-edge companies agree. Novelist Tope Folarin told
me that when he worked at Google, his boss let him use 20 percent of his
time on creative interests. “They found that their most successful projects
came from those moments when engineers and other employees were
playing around with concepts and not necessarily trying to complete an
assigned task,” he said. Laszlo Bock, the former senior vice president of
People Operations at Google, Inc., has publicly stated that he doesn’t think
grade point averages and test scores predict much, and that the best hires
like “figuring out stuff where there’s no obvious answer.” He also has
pointed out that top students rarely experience failure, so they don’t learn
how to learn from failure. More than a dozen companies, including Google,
Apple, and IBM, are no longer requiring applicants to have college degrees
at all.
These messages are confusing. “People my age with teenage kids walk
around saying, ‘What do we tell our kids to do?’ We don’t know,” business
school professor Sue Ashford told me. “It used to be easy. We’d say, get a
business or a law degree if you want to be safe, but no one knows what’s
safe anymore.” Your child’s future job may not even exist yet.
Understandably, parents are struggling to adapt to the velocity of
change. There’s no instruction manual for raising innovative kids who can
tolerate ambiguity. To gather clues, I spoke to engineers, artists, doctors,
educators, innovators, writers, entrepreneurs, and consultants. While there’s
no one path to success, here are strategies that will help prepare your child
for a rapidly changing work world.

Teach them to innovate.

When she was thirteen, Alexis Lewis invented the Rescue Travois, a
wheeled cart that could carry at least two children. “I got the idea from
reading about the Somalian famine of 2011,” she told me. “Families were
forced to walk for weeks, and parents had to leave kids who were too weak
to walk by the roadside to die.” Her lifesaving, patented product could be
air-dropped and easily assembled.
Now eighteen and a student at the University of North Carolina, Lewis
told me her family raised her to be curious and to have a sense of agency.
Her grandfather, a rocket scientist, encouraged inquiry and questions. “He
worked on the Apollo Missions, but he looked at STEM as learning about
the world around you, not as super complicated math. You don’t have to be
conventionally smart to solve a problem and make something really cool,”
she said.
Researchers have found that exposure to innovation during childhood
greatly increases the chance that a child will grow up to be an inventor.
Introduce your child to real-life inventors; visit science museums; browse
websites such as Wired, Popular Science, and New Scientist; check out
educational YouTube channels; or design rockets using the online Kerbal
Space Program. Your child can enter science competitions, such as the
Annual Global Invent It Challenge, or read about other kids’ winning
entries. IDEO’s Innovator page for DIY.org gives kids badges for
completing projects such as improving an existing product, redesigning
their neighborhood, or making a pitch to their local community. Kids also
can use the SCAMPER checklist to think about how they could improve or
replace a product or service. The technique uses idea-spurring questions,
such as, “What would happen if you combined this product with something
else? How could you make it more fun?”
Use language carefully to free your child’s ideas. If they self-censor,
Jeanine Esposito suggests turning their negativity around by posing the
question, “How might we?” or, “What would have to be true for this to
work?” If they’re trying to define a problem, encourage them to preface it
with the words, “I wish,” or, “It would be amazing if.” Avoid binary “yes or
no” questions, which tend to shut down conversation; say “Yes, and”
instead of “Yes, but”; and try responding with the simple question, “Why?”
Don’t interrupt with preemptive conclusions.
Esposito also likes doing the “worst idea” exercise with middle
schoolers because they enjoy playing with rules. First, have your child
identify the worst idea possible, then ask them to state two good things
about that idea. Original ideas come from identifying the best parts of bad
ideas. After they come up with a plan, they can test their ideas.

Look for experiential programs at their school.

Identify any experiential learning opportunities at school, too. Montgomery
County Public Schools, for example, partnered with KID Museum for the
Invent the Future Challenge. Teams of students from every middle school in
the district build prototypes to address an environmental sustainability
issue. “It’s not just about doing STEM or having a hands-on maker
experience,” Murphy explained. “We’re asking students to become global
citizens who can solve global problems.”
Middle schools in the West Windsor−Plainsboro Regional School
District in New Jersey dedicate a week to solving a real-world action plan,
such as global health, education, or gender equality. The district modeled
the program on the Harvard Kennedy School Spring Exercise. The
Soundings program in the Radnor Township School District challenges
eighth graders to work as a class to explore student-selected global issues
for an entire year.

Schedule hands-on, “no mistakes time.”

To build confidence in creative thinking, Olan Quattro, a painter and art
teacher at Sheridan School, recommends that parents keep a “rainy day
drawer” full of materials. She’ll throw recyclables, bottle caps, paper, glue,
popsicle sticks, clay, and yarn on the table, and say to her eleven-year-old
son, “What can you make with this?” Emphasize that it’s “no mistakes
time,” she said, noting that middle school is when kids start feeling like art
needs to be perfect. “Around fifth grade, there’s this developmental desire
to make their art look realistic, and if their idea doesn’t match what they can
do, they say, ‘I can’t do that, I’m not creative, I’m not an artist.’”
For her son’s birthday, Quattro bought him a subscription to a monthly
maker kit. The first one came with supplies to build a catapult, but he could
build it in different ways. Maker learning, which emphasizes hands-on, self-
guided projects, builds kids’ technical skills and confidence through
tinkering and designing. This was true for Juan Carlos, for whom school
had always been a struggle. In sixth grade, his mother, Virginia, a single
mother of four, regularly found him asleep with homework in his lap. In
seventh grade, however, he was invited to participate in a partnership
between Parkland Middle School in Rockville, Maryland, and the KID
Museum’s Invention Studio. He learned to code, use a 3-D printer, and
create something of his own design. Cara Lesser, the museum’s founder,
explains to parents that maker programming feeds the sense of agency that
is missing in many traditional school settings.
At the Invention Studio, Juan Carlos was able to experiment and take
risks in ways that didn’t always feel as safe at school. “I discovered what
interests me,” he said. “I may have trouble paying attention in school, but
these programs have so many other components, from designing to
understanding how things work.” He participated in GEMS, an army-
sponsored summer STEM enrichment program, joined the Design
Apprenticeship Program at the National Building Museum, and returned to
the KID Museum to mentor the new group of seventh graders going
through the program. He still finds school challenging, but he knows he has
the motivation and intellect to become an engineer. As an added bonus, his
mother told me she no longer needs to keep pushing him.
Tony Wagner, author of Creating Innovators: The Making of Young
People Who Will Change the World, told me that children like Juan Carlos
often feel penalized for their mistakes. With maker learning, he said, “We
encourage kids—especially those who are not good traditional students—to
love learning and to value the process of trial and error rather than fearing
it.” Lesser has seen this principle play out many times. Invention Studio
instructors worked on-site with the lowest-performing students at three
public middle schools, helping them build their own boom boxes. “They
had to wire speakers and amplifiers and connect the boxes to their cell
phones,” she told me. “One seventh-grade girl started crying when she saw
it working, and the instructor started crying, too. It was such a powerful
experience for this girl who hadn’t been successful in school.”
Maker learning is also a way to deepen accelerated learners’
understanding of material. Ari Mindell, who taught programming at KID
Museum in high school, told me that two of his advanced young students
created a humidity, temperature, and smoke sensor designed to detect house
fires. They, too, thrived on the freedom to design something substantive
almost entirely on their own.

Develop their curiosity and powers of observation.

Here’s more good news about journaling: it builds self-understanding and
the ability to consider others’ perspectives. As Tope Folarin told me, “It
enables you to be genuine and to understand that everyone has this teeming
inner life.” When he was growing up, he’d feel angry, but he wouldn’t
investigate the source of his anger. “Something missing in my childhood
was constant engagement with what was happening inside.”
Quattro uses art to achieve the same goal. She suggests that parents take
sketch books and colored pencils with them to museums, then tell their
child to pick a work of art to draw. “My eleven-year-old son will sit in front
of a piece for twenty minutes instead of zooming through,” she told me.
Ask your child to reflect on their emotional reaction and to imagine the
thoughts of both the artist and subject.
To cultivate intellectual humility and curiosity, teach them that no one
person has all the answers. Pediatrician Ken Ginsburg tells kids, “If I think
red, and I’m with someone who thinks blue, together we can think purple.”
Model how to listen to someone nonjudgmentally. If your child comes
home upset about a perceived offense, ask, “Why do you think they did
that? Where do you think they were coming from?” Help them understand
that people are multifaceted and they can learn to engage with people who
view the world differently.
If your child can do that, they’ll have an easier time understanding the
unwritten survival rules of their environment, whether it’s middle school or
work. When your child comes home with critical feedback, ask, “What can
you learn from that?” Teach them to observe others’ reactions to them so
they can get back on track. They can consult with counselors, teachers,
other adults, and friends to make sure they’re eliciting the desired response.
When they bring up a group project, ask targeted questions. “What did the
group do well together? How do you think being part of a group helped the
end result? What could have gone better?”
Practice these skills at home, too. If your middle schooler fights with
their sibling, encourage them to reflect on how they could have avoided the
argument. Point out when they’ve used a successful strategy, such as taking
turns. When I’d drive my two older kids to middle school, they’d fight over
who got to sit shotgun. When they tired of the tension, they came up with a
complicated but equitable system. Now, when they disagree over whose
turn it is to take out the trash or empty the dishwasher, I tell them I know
they can figure it out.

IDEA FOR EDUCATORS

 THINK DIFFERENTLY ABOUT GROUP PROJECTS
Be thoughtful about group projects to ensure that every
student is engaged and working on their individual
growth edges. We tend to worry about students who
don’t pull their weight, but kids who dominate groups
lose out, too. They may be overly invested in the end
result, or struggle to embrace others’ ideas. Ask
students to discuss what different personality types
bring to the table and what they might need in a group
member to balance themselves out. Then have them
pair with people who aren’t just like them.
Make sure everyone feels like they can contribute.
Instead of dismissing a teammate’s idea, instruct
students to ask, “What would have to be true for that to
work?” As the project gets underway, use informal peer
evaluations at different checkpoints. That way, students
have a chance to shift gears if they’re acting too
domineering or too hands-off. Make fairly evaluating
each other part of the grading process, and encourage
them to keep a journal. “What bugged them? When
and why did they clash with teammates? What
strengths and weaknesses did the other students bring
to the project? What tendencies did they identify in
themselves? Where did they fail? How did they regroup
after a setback?”
Consider a hybrid approach to meet the needs of
both introverts and extroverts. Before students start
collaborating, build in time for individual brainstorming.
Then have students exchange ideas in groups of two
before sharing their thoughts with the group.

Instill a sense of purpose and cultivate “big likings”

Purpose doesn’t have to come from a grand passion. As Susan Cain told
me, “A big liking can become a deep source of meaning.” As your child
explores new interests, they may even pick up some networking skills.
“When you become obsessed with a topic, you want to talk about it with
other like-minded people, you start to seek those people out, you share what
you know with them, and you become valuable to the network you
created,” Cain explained.
Even a simple project can infuse kids with purpose. Sandy Speicher,
partner and managing director of IDEO San Francisco, told me about the
time a group of her students were tasked with designing name tags. “I
thought, “‘Oh man, a name tag feels so small,’” she recalled. But then she
interviewed one of the student designers. Andrew, fourteen, said, “I learned
to see myself as a leader who could create something that brings joy to
others.” When she asked him how else he could imagine using those skills,
he paused, then said, “I think the state economy of Michigan could use
help, and also the school cafeteria.” After your child completes a project,
ask them what made the experience meaningful, and validate that they
made a difference.
Nick Morgan, the president of Public Words and author of Can You
Hear Me?, recommends asking your child to list their ten most meaningful
experiences. Help them make connections so they begin to understand what
motivates them. “They might notice that, ‘Every time something cool
happened to me, I was working on a team,’ or, ‘I was alone and really
competitive,’” he said, adding, “The idea is to identify the elements that
need to be in place for them to be awesome.” Have this conversation
regularly—their answers will keep changing.

Coach rather than control.

Kids can get conflicting messages in middle school. “On the one hand,
you’re allowed to exhibit autonomy and bike to school, but then you get to
school and are micromanaged,” Roxanne Moore told me. “There can be a
lot of no’s and mistrust.” The structure of school and activities can make it
hard to find ways to give your child freedom. Anne Dickerson, the founder
of media training group 15 Minutes, told me she wants her kids to feel
confident that they can navigate the world independently, but noted,
“Sometimes the best I can do is offer a little more free range.” On a recent
visit to New York City, she let her eighth-grade daughter take public
transportation by herself. When she went the wrong way on the subway, her
daughter learned to find the right way by herself.
“Everyone is so overscheduled,” The Elements founder Margaret
Rietano told me. “Monday is chess, Tuesday is Kumon, Wednesday is
soccer, Thursday is violin.” To counteract that pressure, she tells her
instructors to let kids run with their imagination. They may make a stone
bridge, build a fort, or play in the creek. “In the simplest terms, we’re
getting kids outside and grounded, regulating emotions and stimulating
creativity,” she explained.
“Children are almost like prisoners today—they’re more or less confined
to where they’re being monitored,” notes Peter Gray, a research professor at
Boston College and author of Free to Learn: Unleashing the Instinct to
Play Will Make Our Children Happier, More Self-Reliant, and Better
Students for Life. Parents aren’t sending their kids out to play unsupervised
the way they did in the past, partly because it seems non-normative and
partly because of their fears. To bring unstructured play back into children’s
lives, Gray founded the Let Grow Foundation with Lenore Skenazy.
Michael Hynes, the superintendent of the Patchogue Medford School
District in New York, runs one of the first districts to implement the Let
Grow Project. Students at three of his district’s middle schools can now
engage in one hour of self-directed play before school. “The closest thing to
a silver bullet I’ve ever seen in my twenty-plus years serving children in
education is to allow them multiple opportunities every day for free play, a
place where adults get out of the way,” Hynes told me. “The return on this
investment is significant: less anxious, depressed, and upset children.” Gray
adds that these kids also develop a greater sense of agency. “When children
have more control over their play, they learn to create their own agendas,
negotiate with other children as equals, and feel less like victims of fate,” he
told me. You may not be able to influence how much recess your child gets
at school, but you can give them time and space to explore on their own,
whether they take the Metro to a museum or go for a hike in the woods.
Your child can handle more than you think. When my son Ben was in
eighth grade, he went to China on a school trip. After a long day of
sightseeing, he fell asleep on the bus. No one noticed when he didn’t get off
the bus at the hotel. When he woke up, he found himself alone in the middle
of the night on a locked bus somewhere in Beijing. He had no phone or
money, and he didn’t know Mandarin. He yelled and banged on a window
until a man finally heard him and called the police. Ben waited for officers
to arrive, then cracked open a window so he could tumble out the side of
the bus. The police took him to the Beijing police station, where he told
them the name of his hotel. As it turned out, it was part of a chain with
many locations, so police had to make several calls before they could
reunite him with his group. The experience wasn’t fun, but he got through
it, and he learned that he’s resourceful and resilient. Meanwhile, we learned
that we could grant him more freedom. (That said, we implemented a new
rule: no sleeping on moving vehicles!)
A couple of years ago, I met with a group of middle school parents
about cell phones. Several liked that phones made it easy for them to keep
tabs on their child’s whereabouts. They could text them to make sure they’d
arrived safely at their destination, or to remind them what time they needed
to be home for a music lesson. The ability to check in alleviated their
anxiety. I completely understood their perspective, but I asked them to
consider whether they might inadvertently be transmitting the message, “I
don’t think you can manage on your own.” Be reflective and try to
recognize when anxiety is driving your behavior, whether it relates to
giving your child more freedom or letting them solve problems on their
own.
Children need practice making decisions, cleaning up mistakes, and
handling unpredictability. Scott Murphy admits that while he spends his
days making sure students know how to address global challenges, home is
another story. “I’m guilty of trying to solve my kids’ problems quickly,
whether they can’t find their socks or don’t know the time of the basketball
game,” he told me. “My wife stops me in my tracks and makes me let them
figure it out.”
Allow that discomfort, says Emily Bianchi, assistant professor of
organization and management at Emory University’s Goizueta School of
Business. Her research on forced periods of uncertainty, such as starting
work in a recession, has shown that adversity can lead to increased
flexibility, gratitude, and satisfaction later in life. Bianchi has three
children, and like most parents, her instinct is to shield them from
disappointment and keep their lives as predictable and consistent as
possible. Instead, she told me, she “tries to let periods of unpredictability in
their lives linger a little longer than I otherwise would.” Take the long view,
and imagine your child as an adult facing obstacles and setbacks.

TOP TIPS FOR PARENTS

Be careful not to shut down their ideas.

Cultivate “big likings” rather than passions.
Make trips to museums, and ask your child to tell you what they
think the artist or subject might have been thinking.
If they fight with a sibling, ask them how they could have avoided
the argument.
Have them keep track of products or experiences that irritate them
and think about ways they could improve them.
Take field trips to local makerspaces to pique your child’s interest in
hands-on learning and innovation.
Look for in-school experiential learning opportunities.
Encourage kids to use different tools for classroom assignments,
and provide materials for “no mistakes” creative time at home.
Visit online do-it-yourself and coding websites with your child.
Give them the time and space to explore, and don’t solve problems
for them.

CONVERSATION STARTERS

“What have you failed at this week?”

“What experiences have been the most meaningful to you?”
“How do you think we could improve this product or experience?”
“What worked—or didn’t work—when you did that group project?
What did you learn about yourself?”
“What are some possible ways to solve your problem?”
CONCLUSION

MOVING FORWARD
“Make mistakes, model self-compassion, and grow alongside
your child.”

ONE OF MY FAVORITE PARTS OF WRITING THIS BOOK WAS THE conversations it

generated. Whenever I wrote in public, at least one teen or young adult
would ask me about the topic. At the words “middle school,” they’d have
an immediate visceral reaction. David, for example, was a college student
working as a supervisor in the Starbucks where I often wrote, and his
reaction startled me. He yelled to another barista to cover for him, dragged
over a chair, and sat down. “Oh my god,” he said. “Do you want stories?
Worst years of my life.”
When David, now twenty, was in middle school, his friend Max handed
him a Red Bull and told him to drink it. “As soon as I did, he told me he
had peed in the can,” he said. For the rest of middle school, David’s
classmates called him “Piss Drinker.” Not long after that, a teacher tapped
him to be the lead in the play. “We performed for the school, and as I
walked out, a boy called me a faggot and punched me hard. I was called gay
a lot—that seems to be a thing in middle school—and I was made fun of for
being Serbian.”
David didn’t tell any adults about the bullying. “My father was raising
me alone, and I didn’t want him to worry,” he told me. “I thought that
school administrators might overreact, so I masked it. I turned to video
games and comic books, but I wish I had told someone.”
As a school counselor, I know that he’s just one of many students with
stories like this—and that parents rarely get the full picture. Early
adolescence is a time of inner turmoil and social churn, and many kids shut
down when they most need support. It’s hard for them to articulate what
they need when they’re in the thick of it. They’re too busy coping with
everything from getting dumped by friends to adjusting to their new bodies.
But if you take nothing else away from this book, I want you to realize
this: middle school doesn’t have to be the worst years of anyone’s life. I
wrote this book to change that paradigm. Yes, it can be a difficult phase, but
you can use the steps I’ve outlined in chapters on everything from kindness
to resiliency to ensure your child emerges more confident, self-aware,
accepting, and innovative than when they started. Maybe even more self-
directed and organized!
While I’ve shared my own professional experience and the collective
wisdom of middle schoolers, their parents, and experts across diverse fields,
I’m including one last set of voices. Relatively recent middle school
graduates are young enough to vividly remember their middle school highs
and lows, but old enough to have some perspective. After a while, I started
asking permission to share these impromptu “coffee shop conversations,”
because their unique lens makes them perfect middle school tour guides for
parents. Here’s what they wish their own parents had known, along with
their advice for you and your middle schooler.

The social stuff is hard for all of us.

“In middle school, I was embarrassed about being associated with the mean
girls,” law student Hannah told me as she drank an iced tea. Still, she
wanted to be in their social circle and didn’t challenge their behavior. “They
were gossipy and catty, but I stayed silent.” She believes that if she’d shared
more with her parents, they would have encouraged her to take a stand.
Then there’s Anna, whose classmates alternated between calling her a
whale, bulldozer, slut, and whore. I caught up with her during her senior
year in high school. She shared that she went through all of eighth grade
with just one friend, a girl who is still an important part of her life. She
urges parents to tell their middle schoolers, “One good friend can be better
than trying to be friends with everyone.”
Kelly, a high school junior, leaned over to add her perspective. “Know
what I’d tell my middle school self? Popularity is total bullshit. It doesn’t
matter at all, so stop trying to be something you’re not.”
The social stuff is hard for everyone, but high schooler Sofia notes that it
can be even harder for kids who are LGBTQ+. She advises parents and
middle schoolers to adopt an accepting, optimistic attitude. “I have plenty
of friends who are out as transgender or LGBTQ+ who are managing it,”
she said. “There are all sorts of people in the world, and you’ll find your
place. My friends who are LGBTQ+ had a harder time on the whole, but
plenty of straight cisgender kids also have a hard time in middle school.”
When I spoke to Elysia, a twenty-two-year-old law student from New
York, she said, “Bullying is a huge thing. I was bullied for my weight
because I was a little bigger in middle school. If my parents had asked me
about my day or got more involved in my school, I might have told them
more.”
“Parents need to ask a lot of questions,” David added. He wishes he had
more perspective back then. “I’d tell kids that just because everyone hates
you in middle school, it doesn’t mean everyone will hate you when you
grow up. I can make friends with anyone. The old me wouldn’t talk to
anyone, but the new me will sit down and tell you my whole life story.” He
also wants parents to understand how important it is to nip bullying early,
explaining that a few years after he was taunted, “I became what I hate.”
When he asked his boss at Starbucks for a promotion, the answer was a
resounding no. “He sat me down and said, ‘You can’t get promoted if no
one wants to work with you. Stop being a dick to everyone.’” David didn’t
even realize he was being mean. “I was acting out what I had experienced. I
had to train myself to be nice, and that conversation set the gears in
motion.”

You may think it’s “just” middle school, but the academic
stress is real.
Even though she was a strong student, Elysia worried about grades in
middle school. “I wasn’t a great test taker, so I’d get especially anxious
about that. I don’t think my dad realized just how stressed I was.” She
suggests that parents acknowledge their child’s desire to do well, but tamp
down the pressure. “Tell your kid one test won’t make you or break you.
Reiterate that you’ll be proud of them no matter what, and you won’t think
less of them if they do poorly.” Sofia adds, “It’s really important for parents
to let kids know it’s normal to be stressed out, and it’s okay to ask for help
—it’s, ‘Congratulations, you’re a middle schooler, you’re a human being.’”

We’re not embarrassed by you, we’re embarrassed to be

with you.
When Hannah was in seventh grade, she got invited to a high school
football game. “Other parents dropped their kids off, and my parents were
like, ‘Oh, it would be so fun to go to that together,’” she said. “I was
hanging out on this big hill with all the eighth graders, and when my parents
tried to say hi, I brushed them off. My dad was so disappointed in me for
acting too good for them and ignoring them.”
They got into a huge argument, and her father couldn’t grasp that her
behavior had nothing to do with him. “I’m at a high school game around
older kids, and I didn’t want to look young,” she explained. “I love them,
but I wanted to feel independent and was embarrassed.” She thinks they
could have avoided a blow-up if her father had calmly said, “Even if you’re
embarrassed, you always need to say hi.”

I may not share much, but talk to me anyway.

“Kids won’t talk if they think they’ll get in trouble,” Elysia told me.
“They’ll just sneak out or won’t tell you anything.” She recommends that
parents say, “If I know you’re safe, and you tell me what’s going on, you
won’t get in trouble.”
That said, Sofia doesn’t think parents should force their child to tell
them everything. “Just sit down and talk about life, about their social
drama, about academics, about whatever is on their mind, and let them
know you hear them. Tell them you get that it’s difficult, and maybe Mary
Jo isn’t being the best friend right now—but don’t just jump in and give
advice.” When all else fails, Hannah wants parents to know that,
“Eventually, you’ll be friends with your child again. I talk to my dad at least
three times a week, and my mother every day.”
The good news is that everyone I spoke to is now in a good place. They
learned and grew from their middle school experiences. They know how to
choose a good friend and be a good friend. They’re self-aware and resilient.
These skills may not have come easily, but that’s okay. Middle schoolers are
supposed to make mistakes. That’s how they learn and grow. Your job is to
love and support your child unconditionally—to offer wisdom, perspective,
and boatloads of strategies.
As of this writing, Alex, my youngest child, is just starting middle
school. My older two kids are in high school. It’s hard to believe. Like
many parents, I approach each new developmental phase with a mix of
apprehension and nostalgia. It seems like only yesterday that my oldest
child graduated from preschool. On that day, I startled myself by bursting
into tears in a hallway lined with crayon drawings. A teacher with grown
kids stopped to comfort me. From here on out, she noted wistfully, time
would fly. I knew my child would transition just fine to kindergarten, but I
wasn’t so sure about myself.
When I meet with parents whose kids are in transition, I’ve learned to
expect the occasional tears. As I hand over tissues, they often share how
surprised they are by their emotional response, believing they left that
rawness behind in the baby phase. I get it. It’s a feeling that strikes at
unexpected times. Like when we bump into a mom from a long-ago baby
play group. Or that moment we realize our child is able to avert danger
without our help, or suddenly needs to lean down to hug us. Or when we
stumble across our child’s favorite old pair of Superman overalls in the
basement.
As parents, it can seem like we’re perpetually readying our child for
life’s next challenge. We keep a phone next to our bed during that first
sleepover. We casually lurk by the school playground to see whether they
join the four-square game. We hold our breath at class plays when they
pause a bit too long before reciting their lines. When they get knocked
down on the soccer field, we resist the urge to instantly run to their side.
When they don’t receive an invitation or a spot on a sports team, we stand
ready to reassure them, knowing we wield little power to shield them from
pain. Our ability to protect wanes as they age, but the urge doesn’t diminish.
Parenting your child through middle school involves those same familiar
feelings, from optimism and pride to protectiveness and fear. Your child
wants and needs you now more than ever—even when they say they don’t.
The constancy of your love and the consistency of your presence will
ground them during a phase defined by flux. Your role is to emphasize and
demonstrate the importance of empathy, honesty, inclusivity, self-care, and
safe, ethical behavior. But for everything else—from homework to house
rules—I urge you to adopt an innovator’s mind-set. Tinker with strategies
and approaches. Make mistakes and model risk-taking, curiosity, self-
compassion, collaboration, and creativity. Grow and evolve alongside your
child.
Transitions can be hard, but here’s the good news. When it comes to
coping with change, your child is your best teacher. Their job is to march
through life’s phases, and they often do it unquestioningly and without a
backwards glance. If there’s a swimming pool, they’re going to jump in—
they don’t care whether the water is cold. If you follow their lead and just
do what’s next, the rest will fall into place.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

THE POWER OF GRATITUDE IS A RECURRENT THEME IN THIS book and in my

life. I have so many people to thank, starting with my family. A huge thank
you to Steve, the most supportive husband on the planet; and to my kids,
Ben, Emily, and Alex, who are my best teachers. I’m grateful to my parents,
David and Sharon Steinberg, lifelong learners who taught me to look for the
good in everyone. I also want to thank my siblings and in-laws: Michael,
Daniel, Jane, Tammy, Adam, and Jacqueline. You’ve been incredible
cheerleaders!
There are so many people to thank, especially Amy Joyce, my talented
and kind editor at the Washington Post. Amy was the first to take a chance
on me—and the first to suggest that I expand my ideas into a book. Thank
you to my amazing Middle School Matters editors—Miriam Riad, Dan
Ambrosio, and Claire Schulz—and to the rest of my fabulous team at
Hachette Book Group and Da Capo Press, including Michael Giarratano,
Lissa Warren, Cisca Schreefel, and Anna Hall. They all believe that middle
school really does matter.
I’m fortunate to have a fantastic literary agent, Jill Marsal, who makes
everything joyful and easy. And I’ve been lucky to have Jessica Lahey,
Michele Borba, and Claire Shipman as wise and generous guides on this
journey. I’ve written here about raising girls who support and celebrate one
another, and that’s exactly what these three incredible women do. I’m also
grateful to my wonderful school counseling mentor and friend Gloria
Silverberg. She’s been an important part of my life since my days as her
intern.
Thank you to Josh Starr, the CEO of PDK International and my former
superintendent, for continuing to bet on me. I’ve worked with many great
organizations and editors, including Rafael Heller at PDK; April Tibbles at
the Association for Middle Level Educators; and Sharon Holbrook and
Susan Borison at Your Teen Magazine. My lovely friend, the writer Alison
Pion, belongs in this category. She’s been my trusted “first reader” for
years. I also want to express my gratitude to everyone at Character dot Org;
Nick Morgan, Emma Wyatt, and the team at Public Words; and my close
friend and colleague Judy Liss at the Chrysalis Group. A special thank-you
to the many Montgomery County Public Schools students, parents, and
former colleagues who shared their reflections, ideas, and stories with me.
And to my Sheridan School family—thank you for inspiring me! I’m so
lucky I get to collaborate with caring, passionate, innovative educators
every day.
I can’t thank my friends enough for always being there for me, and for
being willing to talk about their personal and parenting middle school
experiences at dinner, over coffee, while jogging, on the phone, in the
carpool line, at sports events—even while bowling! Thank you, too, to the
hundreds of students, parents, teachers, psychologists, writers, principals,
physicians, researchers, and other experts I interviewed for this book.
You’re my King Arthur’s Round Table.
 Discover Your Next Great Read

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

PHYLLIS L. FAGELL, LCPC, is the counselor at Sheridan School, a

psychotherapist at The Chrysalis Group, and a frequent contributor to The
Washington Post and other national publications. She is also a regular
columnist for the Association for Middle Level Education and Kappan
magazines, and she consults and speaks throughout the country. Phyllis
graduated with honors from Dartmouth College and received a master’s
degree in journalism from the Medill School at Northwestern University.
She began her career as a magazine editor before earning her master’s
degree in counseling from Johns Hopkins University. Phyllis lives in
Bethesda, Maryland with her husband and three children.
 Praise for

MIDDLE SCHOOL MATTERS

“No one captures the magic, delight, struggle, and triumphs to be

found in middle school like Phyllis Fagell. She knows middle school
inside and out, and her advice is some of the best available for
students, parents, and teachers.”
—JESSICA LAHEY, author of The Gift of Failure

“I love, love Middle School Matters! Phyllis Fagell has done a

stupendous job! Middle School Matters gives parents of middle
school boys and girls an essential guide to walk alongside their
children as they go through middle school. The book is filled with
just the right combination of research and common sense strategies
that only a middle school counselor in the trenches could deliver.
With this book, parents don’t need to dread the middle school years.
Instead they can be prepared and informed so they can do best by
their kids. I wish I had had this book when my boys were in middle
school!”
—ROSALIND WISEMAN, author of Queen Bees and
Wannabes and founder of Cultures of Dignity

“Middle school parents: help is finally here! This is the book parents
have been waiting for since… forever. Parents have long been
socialized to fear the middle school years as a time of great turmoil
and never-ending drama, but Phyllis Fagell opens our eyes to the
modern middle school student by sharing a powerful combination of
current research, anecdotes from actual middle schoolers, and her
own expertise as a middle school counselor. Middle School Matters
is packed with helpful tips and actionable strategies to help your
middle school student thrive instead of simply survive.”
—KATIE HURLEY, LCSW, author of No More Mean
Girls and The Happy Kid Handbook

“Middle school does matter! And, parents matter during these

years… as much as you ever have, maybe more. As young people
strive to answer, ‘Who am I?’ they need you to stand solidly in their
corner reminding them that they are perfect just as they are. Phyllis
Fagell has created a masterpiece here—an actionable guide filled
with the skill sets you’ll need to support your child through these
critical life-shaping years.”
—KEN GINSBURG, MD, MS Ed, author of Raising
Kids to Thrive and Building Resilience in Children
and Teens, Parentandteen.com

“Middle School Matters is a must-read for parents, educators and

anyone else seeking guidance through the transitions of this critical
developmental period, with all its psychological, physical, social and
academic challenges. Fagell writes clearly and concisely, offering
practical suggestions and engaging anecdotes to illustrate her points.
The conversation starters are excellent!”
—MARY K. ALVORD, PhD, psychologist and
coauthor Conquer Negative Thinking for Teens,
and Resilience Builder Program for Children and
Adolescence.

“As a lifelong educator and the parent of two teens and a tween, I
cannot recommend this book enough! I just wish Middle School
Matters had been written when I was a superintendent and led a
middle school transformation effort, as the ideas, advice, and
practical guidance are invaluable. Phyllis Fagell has done us all a
great service by breaking down the middle school years into easily
understood concepts that parents and educators can use to work with
early adolescents in any setting. Phyllis presents simple strategies
and approaches to help students—and adults—navigate an amazingly
complex and exciting time in their lives. I highly encourage teachers,
principals, parents, policy makers, and anyone interested in using the
middle school years to lay the foundation for success in the teenage
years and beyond to read and apply the lessons of this book now!”
—JOSHUA P. STARR, EdD, Chief Executive Officer,
PDK International

“Parents of middle schoolers, rejoice! In Phyllis Fagell you get a

triple threat: a veteran counselor who’s seen it all, a wise parent, and
an excellent writer who knows her research and has talked with every
expert you don’t have the time to read. This book is your middle
school wingman, a clear, smart read you can pick up whenever you
need it, to guide you through whatever curveball your child decides
to throw your way.”
—RACHEL SIMMONS, author of Odd Girl Out and
Enough As She Is

“This book is an indispensable tool for anyone who parents or works

with middle schoolers. It’s extremely well-researched, smart,
readable and empathetic. The chapters on healthy sexuality,
preparing for love and helping boys connect with others give these
critical, often-overlooked, topics the lip service they—and young
adolescents—desperately need.”
—ANDREW REINER, educator, writer, and
masculinity researcher

“This brilliant book will make you rethink everything you imagined
about the middle school years Phyllis Fagell’s love for this
tween/teen breed abounds as she convinces us that emotions and
drama may be high, but the growth and change happening is actually
wildly exciting. We need to see it as an opportunity, and enjoy it a
bit. These kids aren’t a mess—they are open, sponges. Sure they fail,
but they are learning resilience. The best part of this book is, instead
of simply identifying and analyzing what’s happening, Fagell gives
parents really practical, specific tips on everything from meltdowns
to bullying to social media. The hardest part of being a parent is we
need a script! We can read book after book and understand what’s
going on in those mushrooming teen brains, to some extent, but when
faced with a kid writhing on the floor about a perceived slight, we
need some actual language in the moment. Fagell hands the script
over, and it’s laced with humor and wisdom. She makes getting
through these years seem not only possible, but full of some joy as
well!”
—CLAIRE SHIPMAN, journalist and author of
Confidence Code and Confidence Code for Girls
PARENT DISCUSSION GUIDE

INTRODUCTION

RELIVING YOUR OWN MEMORIES. The book starts with this line:
“Mention the words ‘middle school’ and most adults groan.” What
memories do you bring to the table, and how have they impacted how you
feel about your child going through middle school?
DRAWING FROM EXPERIENCE. Do you think you’ll give your child
specific advice or parent them differently because of your personal
experience?
ANTICIPATING THE PHASE. What are your biggest hopes and fears
for your child?

CHAPTER 1: WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL ABOUT MIDDLE SCHOOL?

FOSTERING CREATIVITY AND CONFIDENCE. Kids’ confidence

can start to plummet in middle school. Why do you think that happens?
What do you think parents can do to prevent that nosedive?
THINKING ABOUT THE TEN KEY SKILLS. Which of the ten skills
do you think your child lacks? Which strengths do they already possess?
Which skills do you think have been most essential in your own life? Is
there a specific skill on this list that you wish you had developed when you
were your child’s age?

PART I: Values and Integrity

CHAPTER 2: MAKING RESPONSIBLE, HEALTHY, AND ETHICAL DECISIONS

PROBLEM-SOLVING. Research shows that critical thinking more

strongly predicts life events than intelligence. Why do you think critical
thinking is so important? How can you teach your child to solve problems
on their own?
DEALING WITH TRICKY SITUATIONS. Middle schoolers (and teens
in general) are wired to seek novelty. How can you provide your child with
fun, safe opportunities to stretch, experiment, and grow?
STARTING WITH TRUST. How can you balance your child’s desire for
privacy with their need for teaching, coaching, and support? How can you
know when to pull back and when to increase your involvement? When
your middle schooler breaches your trust, how can you get them back on
the right path without damaging your relationship?
INSTILLING PURPOSE. Kids who engage in personally meaningful
activities are less likely to make unhealthy or unsafe choices. How can you
help your child identify pursuits that matter to them? What gave you
purpose as a tween and teen?
SLOWING DOWN. How can you set your child up for success so they’re
less likely to make impulsive choices? What elements do you think need to
be in place to set the stage for good decision-making?

CHAPTER 3: FOSTERING HONESTY

STAYING CALM. Why is it so challenging to stay calm and nonreactive

when your child lies? What makes dishonesty such a button pusher?
DETERMINING THE ROOT CAUSE. What are some of the reasons
kids lie? Why does the root cause matter? How can you figure out what’s
going on with your child?
PROVIDING A RUNWAY. How can you make it easier for your child to
admit the truth? How can you model honesty? What’s the difference
between an offensive lie and a defensive lie? Do you remember lying to
your parents when you were your child’s age?
HAVING IT OUT. It’s counterintuitive, but arguing is communicative.
What do you think kids are trying to accomplish when they fight with you?
Why is it so important to them to know what you’re thinking?
TREATING THE LIE & THE TRANSGRESSION SEPARATELY.
Experts advise imposing different consequences for a lie and the
problematic behavior. Why is it important to separate the two?

CHAPTER 4: ENCOURAGING KINDNESS AND EMPATHY

PRIORITIZING COMPASSION. How can you reinforce your child’s

image as someone strong enough to do the right thing?
KEEPING IT REAL. How can you underscore the importance of
kindness, yet still acknowledge that your child won’t like everyone? Why is
it so important to be authentic when having these conversations?
ROLE MODELING. How can you model kindness in your own life?
What can you do as a family to instill this value? Can you identify any
growth areas for yourself? Sometimes your child has strengths that you
don’t have. What do you admire about how your child treats others?
IDENTIFYING THE CAUSE. What are some of the reasons that kids
lash out at peers? What are some strategies to help them cope with negative
feelings—such as jealousy or anger—that may be preventing them from
being their best selves?
SETTING EXPECTATIONS AROUND BEHAVIOR. You can’t
legislate feelings, but you can be firm about behavior. Why is shaming a
child ineffective? Why is it important that they view themselves as a good
person?

CHAPTER 5: EMBRACING DIFFERENCE IN SELF AND OTHERS

ENCOURAGING AUTHENTIC INCLUSION. What’s the difference

between true social engagement and acts of charity? How can you model
inclusion in your own life? What can you do to help kids move beyond fear
to understanding?
PROVIDING WINDOWS AND MIRRORS. Why is it important for kids
to see visual representations of themselves? How can you expand their
worldview?
EXAMINING BIAS. No one is immune from bias. Do you think it’s
important for parents to acknowledge their own attitudes and associations?
If so, why? How can you help your child put themselves in other people’s
shoes?
EXPLORING IDENTITY. Why is it important to talk about your family’s
traditions and their identity? How does building your child’s sense of self
help them accept their own and others’ uniqueness? What is most
significant to you about your own identity?

CHAPTER 6: MANAGING SHIFTING FRIENDSHIPS

CHASING POPULARITY. When your child desperately wants to be

popular, how can you redirect their energy elsewhere? What’s the downside
to chasing “likes” and “follows” on social media? What questions can you
ask your child to get them thinking about the difference between ephemeral
popularity and enduring friendship? Was popularity important to you in
middle school? How has your attitude toward friendship evolved over the
years?
CULTIVATING GOOD MATCHES. How can you leverage your child’s
strengths and interests to help them find right-fit friends? Why is it
protective to have friends from settings other than school? How can you
give your kid an assist if they’re struggling to make friends? Can you recall
a time in middle school when you felt insecure about your place in the
pecking order?
GIVING THEM A PATH FORWARD. If your child is acting mean, how
can you break that pattern? Why is it important to criticize their behavior as
opposed to their character?
TAMPING DOWN MELODRAMA. It can be tough for kids to extract
themselves from social drama. How can you teach them to disengage when
they’re not a core player?

CHAPTER 7: DEALING WITH BULLYING

STAYING SAFE. How can you help your child stay safe and stand up for
themselves? How can you gather information about what’s happening at
school? When should you betray your child’s confidence, and how can you
explain your reasoning to them?
REGAINING FOOTING. How can you help your child recover
emotionally when they’ve been bullied? How can you change the narrative
so they don’t let the bullying experience define them? How can you help
your child stop intrusive thoughts from getting in their way? When should
you seek outside professional help for them?
DEFINING BULLYING. What’s the difference between a kid who’s
acting mean and a kid who’s bullying someone? Why is that distinction
important? What could happen if a parent moves too fast to demand
consequences? Why should schools tread carefully before bringing a bullied
child and their aggressor together?
HELPING THE CHILD DOING THE BULLYING. What are the
potential long-term negative consequences for the aggressive child? How
do you think you’d react if the school told you your child was targeting a
classmate?
BEING AN UPSTANDER. Not every child feels comfortable standing up
to a bully. What are some other steps they can take to support a classmate
who’s been wounded? Why do you think it’s so hard for kids to simply say,
“That’s wrong,” or, “That’s mean?”

CHAPTER 8: COPING WITH GOSSIP AND SOCIAL TURMOIL

CONTAINING GOSSIP. What makes gossip such a hard-to-remedy and

painful form of relational aggression? How is it different from other forms
of bullying?
FEELING RAW. How can you help your child when they come home
devastated that people are gossiping about them?
ADDRESSING YOUR OWN ANXIETY. What personal issues do you
bring to the table? Do you think gossip is different today than when you
were growing up?
SPREADING THE MEANNESS. Why do you think many kids feel
compelled to tell their friends about mean comments others make about
them? What do you think they should be doing with the information? How
can a child avoid engaging in gossip in the first place?
PROTECTING THEIR REPUTATION. How can you mitigate the
damage once a rumor has been spread? If you went through a similar
experience, what were the takeaways for you?

CHAPTER 9: GROWING UP SEXUALLY HEALTHY

ADMITTING DISCOMFORT. What do you think makes it difficult for

some parents to broach sexuality with their child? How can you move
beyond that awkwardness? Do you think you have a good sense of what
your child knows about sex? How much information (or misinformation)
did you have at their age?
TALKING ABOUT VALUES. How does articulating your family’s values
provide a framework for talking about sexuality and relationships? If you
had to name your family’s top five values, what would they be? How does
each one relate to healthy sexuality?
EXPLAINING CONSENT AND SEXUAL HARASSMENT. Given
what you know about middle schoolers, how might they approach issues
such as consent or harassment differently than adults? How can parents
broach this topic?
ADDRESSING STEREOTYPES AND GENDER DIFFERENCES.
What gender stereotypes do you think your child has internalized? What are
the different norms and expectations for boys and girls? How can parents
avoid perpetuating stereotypes?

CHAPTER 10: PREPARING FOR LOVE

SHARING YOUR WISDOM. What life lessons have you learned from
both good and bad relationships that you’d like to share with your child?
What are your own memories of middle school crushes or first dating
experiences?
FACTORING IN OUTSIDE INFLUENCES. How can you use the media
to bring up love? What realistic and unrealistic portrayals of love do you
think your child has picked up from the media? What was your attitude
toward dating or relationships when you were a teen?
PREPARING KIDS FOR EMOTIONAL RISKS. What do you want
your child to understand about heartbreak and emotional vulnerability?
IMPARTING THE NUANCES. Do you think your child knows the
difference between a crush, physical attraction, and enduring love? What do
you wish you had known growing up that you’d like to share with them?

CHAPTER 11: ENCOURAGING BALANCE AND SETTING REASONABLE

EXPECTATIONS

ENCOURAGING BALANCE. What makes it difficult for a middle

schooler today to lead a balanced life? How can you help your child
recognize when their plate is full? Do you think you struggle with balance
in your life?
EASING PERFORMANCE PRESSURE. One middle school principal
recommends that you “grow the tree you’ve got.” What does that mean to
you in regard to your child? Do you think your expectations are clear and
reasonable? Did you prioritize pleasing your parents when you were your
child’s age?
COMBATING PERFECTIONISM. How can you help your child set
realistic, attainable goals? How can you keep the mood light when tensions
run high? Are you hard on yourself? How can you model self-compassion?

CHAPTER 12: TACKLING HOMEWORK

DEALING WITH AVOIDANCE. What are some of the reasons a middle

schooler might avoid homework?
GIVING KIDS AGENCY. How can you avoid a power struggle with your
child? What kinds of choices can you give them so they feel a sense of
control?
ENGAGING WITH SCHOOL. When should you get the school
involved? Why is the school better equipped to deal with quality control
and accountability?
NAMING NEGATIVE VOICES. How can you depersonalize the struggle
so kids stay positive and maintain a growth mind-set? Was homework a
struggle for you?

CHAPTER 13: INTERVENING WHEN SCHOOL IS A STRUGGLE

QUESTIONING VERSUS ACCUSING. One educator is quoted as

saying, “Most questions are really accusations with a question mark at the
end.” What does that statement mean to you? What are some questions you
can ask that get at the root of your child’s struggle and also treat them as the
expert in their own lives?
PARTNERING WITH THE SCHOOL. What are some effective
strategies for working with the school? How can educators help you
identify the underlying issues? Did any learning, attentional, or emotional
issues get in your way when you were a student?
COPING WITH SOCIAL REPERCUSSIONS. A learning or attentional
issue can impact a child’s friendships. How can parents help kids explain or
compensate for their social difficulties?
LEVERAGING STRENGTHS. How can teachers help a struggling child
maintain their reputation in the classroom? What’s the upside to spending
more time focusing on a child’s strengths instead of their deficits?

CHAPTER 14: CONNECTING WITH BOYS AND HELPING THEM CONNECT WITH
OTHERS

CHALLENGING MASCULINE EXPECTATIONS. What are some of

the pressures boys face today? Do you think the middle school environment
makes it easier or harder for boys to buck stereotypes? Do you think it’s
important to challenge these norms? What role can fathers play? What are
some myths about boys that you think society perpetuates?
ACCEPTING YOUR CHILD FOR WHO THEY ARE. Why is a
parent’s acceptance and unwavering love so critical during this
developmental phase? What are “high-yield” conversations, and how do
they give boys a sense of security?
CONNECTING AND CONVERSING. What are some tips and tricks for
initiating meaningful dialogue with your son, especially if he’s reserved?
NORMALIZING EMOTIONAL INTIMACY. One expert notes that
boys are quicker to walk away when there’s a hiccup in a relationship. Do
you think that’s true? How can you teach your son to repair a rift in a
friendship?
NURTURING CURIOSITY. How can you teach your son the art of
listening and asking questions? How does curiosity help boys forge
relationships?

CHAPTER 15: RAISING STRONG, EMPOWERED GIRLS

BUILDING CONFIDENCE. Surveys show that girls take a bigger hit to

their confidence than boys during the middle school years. How can you
help your daughter continue to take risks and maintain her sense of self?
When we tell girls to be strong and brave, are we layering on yet another set
of expectations?
STRENGTHENING FATHER-DAUGHTER BONDS. Why do you
think fathers tend to pull back when girls enter puberty? Research shows
that might be when they need them most. What’s different or unique about
the father-daughter relationship?
DEFINING LEADERSHIP. Many teen boys and girls (along with their
parents) are biased against female leaders. How can we define leadership
more broadly so both extroverted and introverted girls feel they can make a
difference?
IDENTIFYING SOURCES OF SUPPORT. What role can mentors play
in your daughter’s life? Have mentors been impactful in your life?
DREAMING BIG. Do you think girls are less likely to take credit for their
work? If so, how can parents encourage them to own their success? How
can parents convey that nice, kind girls also can be competitive, ambitious,
and goal-oriented?

CHAPTER 16: TAKING RISKS IN A WORLD OF NO’S

DEALING WITH SETBACKS. Recovering from failure is hard for
anyone, but it’s especially hard at twelve or thirteen when you feel like the
world is watching you. How can you help your child move forward with
optimism after hitting a bump in the road? What makes middle school the
perfect time to develop resilience?
QUITTING REQUIRES BRAVERY. Why is quitting often viewed in a
negative light? Are there times when quitting makes sense? Why do some
parents have a hard time letting their child drop an activity? What have you
quit in your own life, and how do you feel about those choices now?
INTERPRETING FEEDBACK. What might make a middle schooler
more likely to misread feedback? How can you help your child accurately
interpret social cues?
SCAFFOLDING RISK. You and your child might have very different
ideas about what constitutes a risk. How can you help your child tackle a
fear, and how can you model risk-taking in your own life?

CHAPTER 17: MANAGING SETBACKS AND SHORING UP RESILIENCE

IDENTIFYING DEPRESSION OR ANXIETY. Do you think you’d

know if your child were struggling emotionally? How can parents
maximize the chance their child will reach out for help if they’re suffering?
PROCESSING EVENTS IN THE NEWS. From school shootings to
terrorism, kids are barraged with the 24-7 news cycle. How can you help
your child process upsetting events, particularly those you may be having
difficulty making sense of yourself?
LOOSENING CONTROL. How much freedom do you feel comfortable
giving your middle schooler? What are the signs that your child is ready for
more autonomy? How much freedom did you have at their age? How is the
world different today?
REGULATING EMOTIONS. Middle schoolers can have intense highs
and lows. How can you help your child build a “toolbox” of coping
strategies? What approaches have worked for them in the past, and what
works best for you?
CHAPTER 18: PREPARING KIDS FOR A CHANGING WORLD

CREATING INNOVATORS. How can you expose your child to

innovation and give them opportunities to practice creative problem-
solving?
CULTIVATING “BIG LIKINGS.” What’s the benefit of fanning the
flames on “big likings” rather than focusing on passions?
DEVELOPING CURIOSITY. It can be hard to know how to prepare kids
for such a rapidly changing and uncertain world. What skills do you think
your child will need most?
COACHING VERSUS CONTROLLING. What’s the difference between
the two parenting approaches? Why is coaching more likely to produce kids
who can resolve conflict or solve problems? What style do you use most
often?

CONCLUSION

ADAPTING TO CHANGE. Is change hard for you? What have you

learned from watching your child adapt to new routines, expectations, and
friend groups?
EDUCATOR DISCUSSION GUIDE

INTRODUCTION

DRAWING FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE. The book starts with

this line: “Mention the words ‘middle school’ and most adults groan.” What
memories do you bring to the table, and how do they impact your teaching?
What do you think makes this phase unique?
ENGAGING WITH KIDS. Do you think you engage with students
differently because of your own experience? What initially drew you to
work with this age group?
ADDRESSING CHALLENGES. What are middle schoolers’ biggest
social and academic challenges? How can educators ease students’
transition to middle school?

CHAPTER 1: WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL ABOUT MIDDLE SCHOOL?

PRESERVING CREATIVITY AND CONFIDENCE. Surveys show that

kids’ confidence can plummet in middle school. Have you seen any
evidence that this is true? Have you observed differences in confidence
between male and female students? How does this impact your teaching?
ACQUIRING THE TEN KEY SKILLS. Which of the ten skills do you
think students most need in middle school? Which ones do you think will
be most critical to their success and happiness? Which of these skills do you
think have been most essential in your own life?

CHAPTER 2: MAKING RESPONSIBLE, HEALTHY, AND ETHICAL DECISIONS

PROBLEM-SOLVING. Research shows that critical thinking more

strongly predicts life events than intelligence. How can teachers impart
problem-solving skills?
HELPING STUDENTS STRETCH. Middle schoolers (and teens in
general) are wired to seek novelty. How can educators help students feel
grounded and purposeful? What are ways students can stretch, experiment,
and grow at school?
STARTING WITH TRUST. How can teachers build a trusting
relationship with students who break rules or push the envelope? How can
they get them back on the right track without damaging their relationship?
What is your school’s approach to discipline, and do you think it’s
effective? When do you think it’s helpful to share your own mistakes with
students?

CHAPTER 3: FOSTERING HONESTY

STAYING CALM. What’s your approach when students lie or plagiarize?

What do you wish parents understood about this age group when it comes
to making mistakes?
DETERMINING THE ROOT CAUSE. What are some of the reasons
your students lie? Why does the root cause matter?

CHAPTER 4: ENCOURAGING KINDNESS AND EMPATHY

KEEPING IT REAL. How can you build a positive school climate? How
can you encourage kindness while acknowledging that middle schoolers
will choose their own friends and won’t like everyone?
ROLE MODELING. Like parents, teachers are role models. How can you
set a positive example? What are effective ways to respond when you notice
that a child is targeting others?
SETTING EXPECTATIONS AROUND BEHAVIOR. You can’t
legislate feelings, but you can be firm about behavior. Why is shaming a
student ineffective? How can you use homeroom or advisory time to build
understanding among classmates, or to solve sensitive interpersonal issues?
BUILDING EMPATHY. The book mentions the Shadow a Student
exercise, which is designed to help educators understand students’
experience. Why is it so important for educators to have empathy for their
students? What does having empathy look like in the classroom? Can you
recall a time when you made an incorrect assumption about a student?

CHAPTER 5: EMBRACING DIFFERENCE IN SELF AND OTHERS

ENCOURAGING AUTHENTIC INCLUSION. What’s the difference

between true social engagement and acts of charity? How can educators
help children move beyond fear to understanding? What can they do to
promote inclusion everywhere from the classroom to the cafeteria?
PROVIDING WINDOWS AND MIRRORS. Why is it important for kids
to see visual representations of themselves? Does your curriculum expand
students’ worldview? How can teachers help kids take pride in their
identity?
EXAMINING BIAS. No one is immune to bias. As an educator, how often
do you think about your own biases? What steps do you take to address
them?

CHAPTER 6: MANAGING SHIFTING FRIENDSHIPS

FINDING THEIR PLACE. How can educators give an assist to students

who are struggling to find their place in the social hierarchy?
CULTIVATING GOOD MATCHES. What should teachers consider
when forming groups or assigning team projects? What role can teachers
play in clique busting or disrupting negative social dynamics?

CHAPTER 7: DEALING WITH BULLYING

EXAMINING SCHOOL CLIMATE. Is bullying a problem in your

school? How does your school approach the issue? How can educators help
a student who has been targeted?
RESOLVING CONFLICT. Why is it so important that administrators
tread lightly before bringing an aggressor and target together?
DEFINING BULLYING. Do you think parents understand the difference
between a child who’s acting mean and one who’s bullying someone? Why
is that distinction important?

CHAPTER 8: COPING WITH GOSSIP AND SOCIAL TURMOIL

CONTAINING GOSSIP. What makes gossip such a hard-to-remedy and

painful form of relational aggression, and how can it leak into the school
setting? What role can schools play when it comes to putting a stop to it or
helping students return to normalcy?
ADDING SOCIAL MEDIA TO THE MIX. How has social media
changed your job? Why do you think students feel so powerless when
they’re the subject of gossip? Have you had to deal with any relational
aggression in your own life? If so, how has that experience informed your
teaching and the way you relate to middle schoolers?

CHAPTER 9: GROWING UP SEXUALLY HEALTHY

GIVING OUT INFORMATION. Does your school offer sex education or

health and wellness classes? Do you think students are getting the
information they need to make good choices? What do you see as the
school’s role, and what do you see as the parents’ role?
EXPLAINING CONSENT AND SEXUAL HARASSMENT. Does it
surprise you that middle schoolers struggle with many of the same issues
surrounding consent and harassment as adults? Are you seeing any
evidence of this in your school?
ADDRESSING STEREOTYPES AND GENDER DIFFERENCES.
When you were growing up, what ideas did you absorb about gender
expectations? Do you think societal norms are different today? How can
educators avoid perpetuating stereotypes in the school setting?

CHAPTER 10: PREPARING FOR LOVE

SHARING YOUR WISDOM. Do students ever ask you for romantic

advice or pose questions about your own relationships? What are their
biggest concerns? What do you think is appropriate to disclose about
yourself? What are your own memories of middle school crushes or first
dating experiences?
INCORPORATING RELATIONSHIP TENETS INTO THE
CURRICULUM. Do you think teachers should be talking about healthy
relationships with students? If so, how can you find natural extensions in
the curriculum?

CHAPTER 11: ENCOURAGING BALANCE AND SETTING REASONABLE

EXPECTATIONS

SEEKING BALANCE. What factors make it difficult for students to lead

balanced lives? How can you help students manage perfectionist
tendencies? In your community, what are the norms around achievement?
Do you think they need to be reexamined? How can educators keep the
mood light?
MANAGING EXPECTATIONS. How can educators help students set
reasonable, attainable goals? How does your own temperament influence
how you advise students?

CHAPTER 12: TACKLING HOMEWORK

GIVING KIDS AGENCY. How can teachers work with students who
avoid homework? How can they depersonalize the struggle so kids stay
positive and solution-oriented?
ENGAGING WITH PARENTS. What do you do when your student is
battling their parents over homework? What do you think are parents’
biggest misconceptions about homework?

CHAPTER 13: INTERVENING WHEN SCHOOL IS A STRUGGLE

IDENTIFYING THE RIGHT ISSUES. What are some questions you can
ask to get at the root of a student’s difficulties? What do you think it means
to treat kids as the expert in their own lives?
PARTNERING WITH PARENTS. What’s the role of the school in
addressing learning issues, and what’s the role of parents? What factors
might strain that parent/school partnership?
GIVING STRUGGLING STUDENTS A BOOST. How can teachers
leverage struggling students’ strengths, especially when their classmates
grow impatient with them?

CHAPTER 14: CONNECTING WITH BOYS AND HELPING THEM CONNECT WITH
OTHERS

CHALLENGING MASCULINE EXPECTATIONS. What are some of

the pressures middle school boys face today? Do you think the school
environment makes it easier or harder for them to buck stereotypes? How
can educators tackle stereotypes about masculinity?
SETTING BOUNDARIES. Middle school boys can be physical or
flippant, and not every boy enjoys those kinds of interactions. How can
educators help boys recognize and respect their classmates’ boundaries?
NURTURING CURIOSITY. Researchers have found that teaching boys
interviewing skills helps them forge relationships. How does showing
curiosity help boys connect with others more intimately? How can you
foster that trait in the classroom?

CHAPTER 15: RAISING STRONG, EMPOWERED GIRLS

BUILDING CONFIDENCE. Why do you think girls take a bigger hit to

their confidence than boys during middle school? How can educators help
them maintain a strong sense of self?
DEFINING LEADERSHIP. Many teen boys and girls are biased against
female leaders. How can schools encourage girls to take on leadership
roles? How can they convey that leaders come in many different forms, and
that reserved girls can make a difference too?
DREAMING BIG. How can educators encourage girls to take credit for
their work and to own their success? How can they convey that nice, kind
girls also can be ambitious, competitive, and goal-oriented?

CHAPTER 16: TAKING RISKS IN A WORLD OF NO’S

TAKING RISKS. Recovering from failure is hard for anyone, but it’s
especially hard at twelve or thirteen when you feel like the world is
watching you. What makes middle school such a prime time to develop
resilience?
SCAFFOLDING RISK. How can teachers help students tackle fears?
How can they make it safe to take risks in the classroom?

CHAPTER 17: MANAGING SETBACKS AND SHORING UP RESILIENCE

IDENTIFYING DEPRESSION OR ANXIETY. How can educators

normalize help-seeking behavior so students don’t suffer in silence? Do you
feel equipped to support students who present as anxious or depressed?
Does your school have enough resources to address students’ mental health
needs? How do students’ emotional challenges impact their performance or
behavior at school?
BUILDING COMMUNITY. How can schools establish a caring
community in which students look out for one another? How can educators
incorporate social-emotional learning into the curriculum?
REGULATING EMOTIONS. Middle schoolers can have intense highs
and lows. How can teachers help students identify and utilize positive
coping strategies?

CHAPTER 18: PREPARING KIDS FOR A CHANGING WORLD

CREATING INNOVATORS. How can middle schools give students

opportunities to solve problems and engage in experiential learning? How
can teachers encourage kids to be inventive?
TEACHING COLLABORATION. When it comes to group projects, loud
voices can drown out quieter contributors. What can teachers do to make
sure that everyone plays a role and has the chance to work on skills such as
teamwork and conflict resolution?

CONCLUSION

ADAPTING TO CHANGE. Is change hard for you personally? What

have you learned from watching your students adapt to new routines,
expectations, and friend groups?
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Kindness
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CHAPTER 5

Awareness
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Wilson, Wendy. “Little Girl in Awe of Michelle Obama’s Portrait Goes
Viral.” TheGrio. March 05, 2018. https://thegrio.com/2018/03/05/little-
girl-awe-michelle-obamas-portrait-goes-viral/.

CHAPTER 6
Transitioning Friendships
Hartl, Amy C., Brett Laursen, and Antonius H. N. Cillessen. “A Survival
Analysis of Adolescent Friendships.” Psychological Science 26, no. 8
(2015): 1304–315. doi:10.1177/0956797615588751.
Kamper, Kimberly E., and Jamie M. Ostrov. “Relational Aggression in
Middle Childhood Predicting Adolescent Social-Psychological
Adjustment: The Role of Friendship Quality.” Journal of Clinical Child
& Adolescent Psychology 42, no. 6 (2013): 855–62.
doi:10.1080/15374416.2013.844595.
Ostrov, Jamie M., Stephanie A. Godleski, Kimberly E. Kamper-Demarco,
Sarah J. Blakely-Mcclure, and Lauren Celenza. “Replication and
Extension of the Early Childhood Friendship Project: Effects on
Physical and Relational Bullying.” School Psychology Review 44, no. 4
(2015): 445–63. doi:10.17105/spr-15-0048.1.
Robb, Alice. “The Enduring Influence of Your Middle-School Best Friend.”
The Cut. October 24, 2017. https://www.thecut.com/2017/10/the-
enduring-influence-of-your-Middle-school-best-friend.html.
Coping Mechanisms
Williams, Lisa A., and Monica Y. Bartlett. “Warm Thanks: Gratitude
Expression Facilitates Social Affiliation in New Relationships via
Perceived Warmth.” Emotion 15, no. 1 (2015): 1-5.
doi:10.1037/emo0000017.
Yeager, David S., Hae Yeon Lee, and Jeremy P. Jamieson. “How to Improve
Adolescent Stress Responses.” Psychological Science 27, no. 8 (2016):
1078–091. doi:10.1177/0956797616649604.

CHAPTER 7

Self-Bullying
Grandclerc, Salome, Diane De Labrouhe, Michel Spodenkiewicz, Jonathan
Lachal, and Marie-Rose Moro. “Relations Between Nonsuicidal Self-
Injury and Suicidal Behavior in Adolescence: A Systematic Review.”
Plos One 11, no. 4 (2016). doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0153760.
Patchin, Justin W., and Sameer Hinduja. “Digital Self-Harm Among
Adolescents.” Journal of Adolescent Health 61, no. 6 (2017): 761–66.
 doi:10.1016/j.jadohealth.2017.06.012.
Roos, David. “Startling Number of Teens Cyberbully Themselves.”
HowStuff Works. November 13, 2017.
https://lifestyle.howstuffworks.com/family/parenting/tween-teens.
Coping Mechanisms
Bruehlman-Senecal, Emma L. “This Too Shall Pass: Temporal Distance and
the Regulation of Emotional Distress.” PhD diss., University of
California, Berkeley, 2015. Spring 2015.
http://digitalassets.lib.berkeley.edu/etd/ucb/text/BruehlmanSenecal_berk
eley_0028E_15071.pdf.
Sutton, Robert. “How to Survive a Jerk at Work.” The Wall Street Journal.
August 10, 2017. https://www.wsj.com/articles/how-to-survive-a-jerk-
at-work-1502373529.

CHAPTER 8

Cyberbullying
Hurley, Katie. “Helping Kids Navigate a Virtual World Where
Cyberbullying Is Common.” U.S. News & World Report. October 13,
2017. Accessed August 13, 2018.
https://health.usnews.com/wellness/for-parents/articles/2017-10-
13/helping-kids-navigate-a-virtual-world-where-cyberbullying-is-
common.
“New National Bullying and Cyberbullying Statistics.” Cyberbullying
Research Center. July 31, 2017. https://cyberbullying.org/new-national-
bullying-cyberbullying-data.
Sydell, Laura. “Kyle Quinn Hid at a Friend’s House After Being
Misidentified on Twitter as a Racist.” NPR. August 17, 2017.
https://www.npr.org/sections/alltechconsidered/2017/08/17/543980653/
kyle-quinn-hid-at-a-friend-s-house-after-being-misidentified-on-twitter-
as-a-rac?
utm_term=nprnews&utm_content=bufferdca42&utm_medium=social&
utm_source=twitter.com&utm_campaign=buffer.
Technology and Social Media
Anderson, Monica, and Jingjing Jiang. “Teens, Social Media & Technology
 2018.” Pew Research Center: Internet, Science & Tech. May 31, 2018.
http://www.pewinternet.org/2018/05/31/teens-social-media-technology-
2018/.
Salm, Lauren. “70% of Employers Are Snooping Candidates’ Social Media
Profiles.” CareerBuilder. June 15, 2017.
https://www.careerbuilder.com/advice/social-media-survey-2017.
“The ‘Wait Until 8th’ Pledge—Let Kids Be Kids a Little Longer…”
Westport Moms.com. August 1, 2017. https://westportmoms.com/wait-
until-8th-pledge-let-kids-be-kids-a-little-longer/.
Twenge, Jean M. “Have Smartphones Destroyed a Generation?” The
Atlantic. March 19, 2018.
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2017/09/has-the-
smartphone-destroyed-a-generation/534198/.
Twenge, Jean M. “Perspective | Teenage Depression and Suicide Are Way
up—and so Is Smartphone Use.” The Washington Post. November 19,
2017. https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-
science/teenage-depression-and-suicide-are-way-up—and-so-is-
smartphone-use/2017/11/17/624641ea-ca13-11e7-8321-
481fd63f174d_story.html?utm_term=.91ccb165b6fc.
Twenge, Jean M., Thomas E. Joiner, Megan L. Rogers, and Gabrielle N.
Martin. “Increases in Depressive Symptoms, Suicide-Related
Outcomes, and Suicide Rates Among U.S. Adolescents After 2010 and
Links to Increased New Media Screen Time.” Clinical Psychological
Science 6, no. 1 (2017): 3–17. doi:10.1177/2167702617723376.

CHAPTER 9

Youth Sex Statistics

“SIECUS Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United
States.” SIECUS—Home. https://siecus.org/.
“Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance—United States, 2009.” PsycEXTRA
Dataset, 2010. doi:10.1037/e661322010-001.
Sexual Harassment
Espelage, Dorothy L., Jun Sung Hong, Sarah Rinehart, and Namrata Doshi.
“Understanding Types, Locations, & Perpetrators of Peer-to-Peer
 Sexual Harassment in U.S. Middle Schools: A Focus on Sex, Racial,
and Grade Differences.” Children and Youth Services Review 71
(December 2016): 174–83. doi:10.1016/j.childyouth.2016.11.010.
Johnston, Abby. “Meet India’s Electric Shock Anti-Rape Bra.” Bustle. April
25, 2018. https://www.bustle.com/articles/29655-indias-electric-shock-
anti-rape-bra-society-harnessing-equipment-is-terrifying-and-necessary.
Simmons, Rachel. “When Middle Schoolers Say #MeToo.” The Huffington
Post. December 15, 2017.
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/sexual-harassment-in-
schools_us_5a32b145e4b00dbbcb5bb530.
Weissbourd, Richard, Trish Ross Anderson, Alison Cashin, and Joe
McIntyre. “The Talk: How Adults Can Promote Young People’s
Healthy Relationships and Prevent Misogyny and Sexual Harassment.”
Making Caring Common. 2017. https://mcc.gse.harvard.edu/thetalk.
Pornography
Damour, Lisa. “Teenagers, Stop Asking for Nude Photos.” New York Times.
January 02, 2018.
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/02/well/family/teenagers-stop-
asking-for-nude-photos.html.
Jones, Maggie. “What Teenagers Are Learning from Online Porn.” New
York Times. February 07, 2018.
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/02/07/magazine/Teenagers-learning-
online-porn-literacy-sex-education.html.
“Pornography Is the Public Health Crisis of the Digital Age.” Culture
Reframed. Accessed August 13, 2018.
https://www.culturereframed.org/.
“Talking to Your Child About Pornography.” Break the Cycle. April 27,
2017. https://www.breakthecycle.org/talking-your-child-about-
pornography-0.
Thomas, Sara E. “‘What Should I Do?’: Young Women’s Reported
Dilemmas with Nude Photographs.” Sexuality Research and Social
Policy 15, no. 2 (2017): 192–207. doi:10.1007/s13178-017-0310-0.
Wolak, J., K. Mitchell, and D. Finkelhor. “Unwanted and Wanted Exposure
to Online Pornography in a National Sample of Youth Internet Users.”
Pediatrics 119, no. 2 (2007): 247–57. doi:10.1542/peds.2006-1891.
Technology and Self-Esteem/Body Image
Field, Alison E., Kendrin R. Sonneville, Ross D. Crosby, Sonja A.
Swanson, Kamryn T. Eddy, Carlos A. Camargo, Nicholas J. Horton, and
Nadia Micali. “Prospective Associations of Concerns About Physique
and the Development of Obesity, Binge Drinking, and Drug Use Among
Adolescent Boys and Young Adult Men.” JAMA Pediatrics 168, no. 1
(2014): 34. doi:10.1001/jamapediatrics.2013.2915.
Mujezinovic, Damir. “‘The Selfie Generation’ Study Explores the Effects of
Social Media on Adolescent Body Image.” The Inquisitr. May 30, 2018.
https://www.inquisitr.com/4920082/the-selfie-generation-study-
explores-the-effects-of-social-media-on-adolescent-body-image/.
Salomon, Ilyssa, and Christia Spears Brown. “The Selfie Generation:
Examining the Relationship Between Social Media Use and Early
Adolescent Body Image.” The Journal of Early Adolescence, 2018,
027243161877080. doi:10.1177/0272431618770809.
Weissbourd, Richard, Trish Ross Anderson, Alison Cashin, and Joe
McIntyre. “The Talk: How Adults Can Promote Young People’s
Healthy Relationships and Prevent Misogyny and Sexual Harassment.”
Making Caring Common. 2017. https://mcc.gse.harvard.edu/thetalk.
LGBTQ+
K., Joseph G., Emily A. G., Noreen M. G., Christian V., and David D. “The
2015 National School Climate Survey: The Experiences of Lesbian,
Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, and Queer Youth in Our Nation’s Schools.”
GLSEN. 2016. https://www.glsen.org/article/2015-national-school-
climate-survey.
“Pansexual | Definition of Pansexual in English by Oxford Dictionaries.”
Oxford Dictionaries | English. Accessed August 20, 2017.
https://en.oxford dictionaries.com/definition/pansexual.

CHAPTER 10

Youth Want More Emotional Information

Weissbourd, Richard, Trish Ross Anderson, Alison Cashin, and Joe
McIntyre. “The Talk: How Adults Can Promote Young People’s
Healthy Relationships and Prevent Misogyny and Sexual Harassment.”
 Making Caring Common. 2017. https://mcc.gse.harvard.edu/thetalk.
Online Manipulation
Cutbush, S. L., Williams, J., Miller, S., Gibbs, D., & Clinton-Sherrod, M.
(2012, October). Electronic Dating Aggression Among Middle School
Students: Demographic Correlates and Associations with Other Types
of Violence. Presented at APHA 2012, San Francisco;
https://www.rti.org/publication/electronic-dating-aggression-among-
middle-school-students-demographic-correlates-and.
Healthy Relationship Skills
“10 Tips on Talking About Healthy Relationships with Teens.” Futures
Without Violence. 2015. https://s3.amazonaws.com/fwvcorp/wp-
content/uploads/20160121110131/10Tips_healthyrelationships2.pdf.
Lattimore, Kayla. “4-H Is Helping Kids Plant the Seeds for Healthy
Relationships.” NPR. August 11, 2017.
https://www.npr.org/sections/ed/2017/08/11/540618626/4-h-is-helping-
kids-plant-the-seeds-for-healthy-relationships?
utm_campaign=storyshare&utm_source=twitter.com&utm_medium=so
cial.
The Dibble Institute. Accessed January 12, 2017.
https://www.dibbleinstitute.org/.

CHAPTER 11

Academic Pressure and Stress

Conner, Jerusha O., and Denise C. Pope. “Not Just Robo-Students: Why
Full Engagement Matters and How Schools Can Promote It.” Journal of
Youth and Adolescence 42, no. 9 (2013): 1426–442.
doi:10.1007/s10964-013-9948-y.
“Kids and Stress, How Do They Handle It?” KidsHealth KidsPoll, October
12, 2005. National Association of Health Education Center.
https://kidshealth.org/media/kidspoll/worry.html.
“Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report (MMWR).” Centers for Disease
Control and Prevention. August 17,
2017.https://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/volumes/65/wr/mm6543a8.htm?
s_cid=#suggestedcitation.
Soenens, Bart, Koen Luyckx, Maarten Vansteenkiste, Bart Duriez, and Luc
Goossens. “Clarifying the Link Between Parental Psychological Control
and Adolescents’ Depressive Symptoms: Reciprocal Versus
Unidirectional Models.” Merrill-Palmer Quarterly, 2nd ser., 54, no. 4
(2008). https://digital commons.wayne.edu/mpq/vol54/iss4/2/.
Spencer, Kyle. “A New Kind of Classroom: No Grades, No Failing, No
Hurry.” New York Times. August 11, 2017.
https://www.nytimes.com/2017/08/11/nyregion/mastery-based-learning-
no-grades.html.
“The Children We Mean to Raise.” Making Caring Common. 2014.
https://mcc.gse.harvard.edu/the-children-we-mean-to-raise.
It’s OK to Fail
Cook, Henrietta. “The School Teaching Students That It’s OK to Fail.”
Brisbane Times. August 28, 2017.
https://www.brisbanetimes.com.au/national/victoria/the-school-
teaching-students-that-its-ok-to-fail-20170827-gy4zo1.html.
Warrell, Margie. “Have You Learnt How to Fail Forward? The Lesson We
Can’t Learn Soon Enough.” Forbes. September 11, 2017.
https://www.forbes.com/sites/margiewarrell/2017/08/31/why-schools-
are-teaching-kids-to-fail/#586ff6d11645.

CHAPTER 12

Homework and Technology

Bowman, Laura L., Laura E. Levine, Bradley M. Waite, and Michael
Gendron. “Can Students Really Multitask? An Experimental Study of
Instant Messaging While Reading.” Computers & Education 54, no. 4
(2010): 927–31. doi:10.1016/j.compedu.2009.09.024.
Lee, Seungyeon, Myeong W. Kim, Ian M. Mcdonough, Jessica S. Mendoza,
and Min Sung Kim. “The Effects of Cell Phone Use and Emotion-
Regulation Style on College Students Learning.” Applied Cognitive
Psychology 31, no. 3 (2017): 360–66. doi:10.1002/acp.3323.
Thornton, Bill, Alyson Faires, Maija Robbins, and Eric Rollins. “The Mere
Presence of a Cell Phone May Be Distracting.” Social Psychology 45,
no. 6 (2014): 479–88. doi:10.1027/1864-9335/a000216.
Take a Break
Adam, Hajo, and Adam D. Galinsky. “Enclothed Cognition.” Journal of
Experimental Social Psychology 48, no. 4 (2012): 918–25.
doi:10.1016/j.jesp.2012.02.008.
“Five Ways to Shift Teaching Practice So Students Feel Less Math
Anxious.” KQED. April 05, 2017.
https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/47907/five-ways-to-shift-teaching-
practice-so-students-feel-less-math-anxious.
White, Rachel E., Emily O. Prager, Catherine Schaefer, Ethan Kross,
Angela L. Duckworth, and Stephanie M. Carlson. “The ‘Batman
Effect’: Improving Perseverance in Young Children.” Child
Development 88, no. 5 (2016): 1563-571. doi:10.1111/cdev.12695.

CHAPTER 13

Gifted Children
Callahan, Carolyn M., Tonya R. Moon, and Sarah Oh. “Describing the
Status of Programs for the Gifted.” Journal for the Education of the
Gifted 40, no. 1 (2017): 20–49. doi:10.1177/0162353216686215.
“National Association for Gifted Children.” What It Means to Teach Gifted
Learners Well | National Association for Gifted Children.
http://www.nagc.org/.
Rakow, Susan. “That Was Then, This Is Now: Gifted in the Middle.” AMLE
Magazine, August 2017, 34.
“Rethinking Giftedness Film.” YouCubed, November 7, 2017,
www.youcubed.org/rethinking-giftedness-film/.
“Students Share the Downside of Being Labeled ‘Gifted’.” KQED, 13 Nov.
2017, www.kqed.org/mindshift/49653.
“Supporting the Emotional Needs of the Gifted.” SENG.
http://sengifted.org/.
Attention Disorders
Hallowell, Edward. “ADHD: Ferrari Engine for a Brain, with Bicycle
Brakes—Dr Hallowell ADHD and Mental and Cognitive Health.”
Drhallowell.com. February 20, 2018. http://www.drhallowell.com/adhd-
ferrari-engine-for-a-brain-with-bicycle-brakes/.
O’neill, Meaghan. “Eight Things I Wish Teachers Knew About My Child
with ADHD—The Boston Globe.” BostonGlobe.com. August 09, 2018.
https://www.bostonglobe.com/magazine/2018/08/09/eight-things-wish-
teachers-knew-about-kid-with-
adhd/X0f6MF2yVldZ12ZK3nQ2AO/story.html?s_campaign=8315.
“The State of LD: Understanding Learning and Attention Issues.” National
Center for Learning Disabilities. Accessed March 29, 2018.
https://www.ncld.org/understanding-learning-and-attention-issues.

CHAPTER 14

Communication and Boys

Aznar, Ana, and Harriet R. Tenenbaum. “Spanish Parents Emotion Talk and
Their Children’s Understanding of Emotion.” Frontiers in Psychology 4
(2013). doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2013.00670.
Borelli, Jessica L., Leslie Ho, and Lane Epps. “School-Aged Children’s
Psychobiological Divergence as a Prospective Predictor of Health Risk
Behaviors in Adolescence.” Journal of Child and Family Studies 27, no.
1 (2017): 47–58. doi:10.1007/s10826-017-0870-x.
“NYU Steinhardt Receives Spencer Foundation Grant to Address Societal
Divisions in NYC Middle Schools.” NYU, November 02, 2017.
www.nyu.edu/about/news-publications/news/2017/november/nyu-
steinhardt-receives-spencer-foundation-grant-to-address-soci.html.
Reiner, Andrew. “Boy Talk: Breaking Masculine Stereotypes,” New York
Times. October 24, 2018.
Reiner, Andrew. “Teaching Men to Be Emotionally Honest.” New York
Times. April 04, 2016.
https://www.nytimes.com/2016/04/10/education/edlife/teaching-men-to-
be-emotionally-honest.html.
Reiner, Andrew. “Talking to Boys the Way We Talk to Girls.” New York
Times. June 15, 2017.
https://www.nytimes.com/2017/06/15/well/family/talking-to-boys-the-
way-we-talk-to-girls.html?
mtrref=www.google.com&gwh=6E9778C3EA6E6D2909FD6C6852C3
1292&gwt=pay.
Danger of Stereotypes
Bennett, Jessica. “A Master’s Degree in… Masculinity?” New York Times.
August 08, 2015.
https://www.nytimes.com/2015/08/09/fashion/masculinities-studies-
stonybrook-michael-kimmel.html.
Love, Kevin. “Everyone Is Going Through Something | By Kevin Love.”
The Players’ Tribune. March 6, 2018.
https://www.theplayerstribune.com/en-us/articles/kevin-love-everyone-
is-going-through-something.

CHAPTER 15

Girls and Confidence

Cain, Susan. “Unlocking the Power of Introverts.” Quiet Revolution.
https://www.quietrev.com/.
“How Girls Can Develop ‘Critical’ Confidence.” Good Morning America.
March 30, 2018.
https://www.goodmorningamerica.com/family/story/captureconfidence-
girls-develop-critical-confidence-metoo-era-54106629.
Nielsen, Leslie. “Strengthening Father-Daughter Relationships.” Our
Children. March 2005. http://users.wfu.edu/nielsen/PTA.pdf.
“Poll | The Confidence Code for Girls.” The Confidence Code for Girls
with YPulse. 2018. https://www.confidencecodegirls.com/poll.
Leadership and Empowerment
“2018 Leadership Summit.” Girl Up. https://www.girlup.org/leadership-
summit/#sthash.bhKFMFLt.dpbs.
Marshall, Ava, Chanice Lee, Nateya Taylor, and Alexia Morrison. “The
Melanin Diary.” The Melanin Diary. http://www.themelanindiary.com/.
Walsh, Bari. “Confronting Gender Bias at School.” Harvard Graduate
School of Education. September 8, 2015.
https://www.gse.harvard.edu/news/uk/15/09/confronting-gender-bias-
school.

CHAPTER 16

Letting Go
Gillett, Rachel, and Richard Feloni. “19 Highly Successful People Who
 Prove It’s Never Too Late to Change Careers.” Business Insider. April
16, 2016. http://www.businessinsider.com/successful-people-who-
made-a-big-career-change-2016-4/#long-before-ronald-reagan-became-
the-40th-president-of-the-united-states-at-69-he-was-a-young-up-and-
coming-hollywood-actor-in-film-and-tv-8.
Kohn, Alfie. “The Downside of ‘Grit’ (Commentary).” Alfie Kohn.
November 30, 2014. https://www.alfiekohn.org/article/downside-grit/.
Wells, Jane. “Someone Told Kobe Bryant He Shouldn’t Play Basketball.”
CNBC. March 31, 2016. https://www.cnbc.com/2016/03/30/someone-
told-kobe-bryant-he-shouldnt-Play-basketball.html.
Wrosch, Carsten, Michael F. Scheier, Gregory E. Miller, Richard Schulz,
and Charles S. Carver. “Adaptive Self-Regulation of Unattainable
Goals: Goal Disengagement, Goal Reengagement, and Subjective Well-
Being.” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 29, no. 12 (2003):
1494–508. doi:10.1177/0146167203256921.
Wrosch, Carsten, Gregory E. Miller, Michael F. Scheier, and Stephanie
Brun De Pontet. “Giving Up on Unattainable Goals: Benefits for
Health?” Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 33, no. 2 (2007):
251–65. doi:10.1177/0146167206294905.

CHAPTER 17

Anxiety and Depression

“Anxiety Disorders.” National Institute of Mental Health.
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/anxiety-disorders/index.shtml.
Aubrey, Allison. “Pediatricians Call for Universal Depression Screening for
Teens.” NPR. February 26, 2018.https://www.npr.org/sections/health-
shots/2018/02/26/588334959/pediatrians-
Call-for-universal-depression-screening-for-teens.
Bitsko, Rebecca H., Joseph R. Holbrook, Reem M. Ghandour, Stephen J.
Blumberg, Susanna N. Visser, Ruth Perou, and John T. Walkup.
“Epidemiology and Impact of Health Care Provider–Diagnosed Anxiety
and Depression Among US Children.” Journal of Developmental &
Behavioral Pediatrics 39, no. 5 (2018): 395–403.
doi:10.1097/dbp.0000000000000571.
Morin, Amy. “10 Reasons Teens Have So Much Anxiety Today.”
 Psychology Today. November 03, 2017. https://www-psychologytoday-
com.cdn.ampproject.org/c/s/www.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-
mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201711/10-reasons-why-todays-
teenagers-are-so-anxious?amp.
Nutt, Amy Ellis. “Why Kids and Teens May Face Far More Anxiety These
Days.” The Washington Post. May 10, 2018.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/to-your-
health/wp/2018/05/10/why-kids-and-teens-may-face-far-more-anxiety-
these-days/?utm_term=.b1d719e890cc.
Schwarz, Nicole. “13 Powerful Phrases Proven to Help an Anxious Child
Calm Down.” Lemon Lime Adventures. December 11, 2017.
http://lemonlime adventures.com/what-to-say-to-calm-an-anxious-
child/.
Zuckerbrot, R. A., A. H. Cheung, P. S. Jensen, R. E. K. Stein, and D.
Laraque. “Guidelines for Adolescent Depression in Primary Care
(GLAD-PC): I. Identification, Assessment, and Initial Management.”
Pediatrics 120, no. 5 (2007): E1299–1312. doi:10.1542/peds.2007-
1144.
Stress
“#EmotionRevolution Summit and Survey.” Born This Way Foundation.
https://bornthisway.foundation/emotionrevolution/summit/.
Jamieson, Jeremy P., Matthew K. Nock, and Wendy Berry Mendes. “Mind
over Matter: Reappraising Arousal Improves Cardiovascular and
Cognitive Responses to Stress.” Journal of Experimental Psychology:
General 141, no. 3 (2012): 417–22. doi:10.1037/a0025719.
National Survey of Children’s Health—Data Resource Center for Child and
Adolescent Health. http://childhealthdata.org/learn/NSCH.
“N.U.T.S.—Understanding Stress.” Heart-Mind Online. January 14, 2015.
https://heartmindonline.org/resources/nuts-understanding-stress.
“Stress in America 2009.” American Psychological Association. 2009.
http://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/stress/2009/stress-exec-
summary.pdf.
Toppo, Greg. “Our High School Kids: Tired, Stressed and Bored.” USA
Today. October 23, 2015.
https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2015/10/23/survey-
 students-tired-stressed-bored/74412782/.
Suicide
Carroll, Aaron E. “Preventing Teen Suicide: What the Evidence Shows.”
New York Times. August 17, 2017.
https://www.nytimes.com/2017/08/17/upshot/preventing-teen-suicide-
what-the-evidence-shows.html.
“QuickStats: Suicide Rates* for Teens Aged 15–19 Years, by Sex—United
States, 1975–2015.” MMWR. Morbidity and Mortality Weekly Report
66, no. 30 (2017): 816. doi:10.15585/mmwr.mm6630a6.
Encouraging Resiliency
Bridges, Frances. “5 Ways to Build Resilience, from Sheryl Sandberg and
Adam Grant’s New Book ‘Option B’.” Forbes. May 30,
2017.https://www.forbes.com/sites/francesbridges/2017/05/27/5-ways-
to-build-resilience-from-sheryl-sandberg-and-adam-grants-new-book-
option-b/.
Hoekzema, Elseline, Erika Barba-Müller, Cristina Pozzobon, Marisol
Picado, Florencio Lucco, David García-García, Juan Carlos Soliva,
Adolf Tobeña, Manuel Desco, Eveline A. Crone, Agustín Ballesteros,
Susanna Carmona, and Oscar Vilarroya. “Pregnancy Leads to Long-
Lasting Changes in Human Brain Structure.” Nature Neuroscience 20,
no. 2 (2016): 287–96. doi:10.1038/nn.4458.
Leckman, James F. “Nurturing Resilient Children.” Revista Brasileira De
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Coping Strategies and Emotion Regulation
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Fostering Diverse Emotions
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CHAPTER 18

Creativity
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Experiential Learning
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Gottfried, Adele Eskeles, Kathleen Suzanne Johnson Preston, Allen W.
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Kaufman, Scott Barry. “Schools Are Missing What Matters About
Learning.” The Atlantic. July 26, 2017.
 https://www.theatlantic.com/education/archive/2017/07/the-underrated-
gift-of-curiosity/534573/.
Leibowitz, Glenn. “If Robots Are Going to Take Our Jobs, Do Grades Still
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Miller, Claire Cain. “Tech’s Damaging Myth of the Loner Genius Nerd.”
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https://www.nytimes.com/2017/08/12/upshot/techs-damaging-myth-of-
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Miller, Claire Cain, and Quoctrung Bui. “Switching Careers Doesn’t Have
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“Radnor Township School District.” Radnor Township SD Homepage.
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Vander Ark, “Proposal for an Innovation Diploma.” Getting Smart. August
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innovation-diploma/.
WW-P Middle School Challenge.
http://markwise8.wixsite.com/globalchallenge.

WEBSITES

Amaze. Amaze.org
“Beyond Differences.” Beyond Differences.
https://www.beyonddifferences.org/.
Center for Parent and Teen Communication. https://parentandteen.com
“Character.org.” Character.org. http://character.org/.
Choose2Matter. http://www.choose2matter.org/.
Design for Change USA. http://www.designforchange.us/pages/aboutus.
DIY. https://diy.org/.
Kerbal Space Program. https://www.kerbalspaceprogram.com/en/?
page_id=7.
Mind Tools. “SCAMPERImproving Products and Services.” From
MindTools.com. April 04, 2018.
 https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newCT_02.htm.
“National Invention Convention and Entrepreneurship Expo (NICEE).”
STEMIE Coalition. http://stemie.org/nicee/.
Quiet Revolution. https://www.quietrev.com/.
The Jigsaw Classroom. http://www.jigsaw.org/.
Veritasium. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/user/1veritasium/featured.
Vsauce. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/user/Vsauce/featured.
Young Scientist Lab. https://www.youngscientistlab.com/challenge.

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INDEX

Abdur-Ra’oof, Aziz, 171, 175

academic achievement
autonomy, 134–136
balance and expectations, 4, 131–140
cognitive-behavioral therapy, 139
college admissions, 133
conversation starters, 140
grades, 131–133, 134–136
ideas for educators–celebrate “Failure Week,” 137
perfectionism, 137–139
sharing experiences, 138
tips for parents, 139
academic identity, 4
Adichie, Chimamanda Ngozi, 55, 59
Al Capone Does My Shirts: A Tale from Alcatraz (Choldenko), 56
alcohol, 13, 17–18
Alvord, Mary, 136, 139, 217
American Educational Research Journal, 2
AMLE Magazine, 156
Anderson, Nancy, 183–184
Apert syndrome, 52–53
Applied Cognitive Psychology, 144
Ashford, Sue, 183, 184, 185, 195, 221
The Asshole Survival Guide (Sutton), 87
The Atlantic magazine, 59, 100
attention deficit disorder (ADD), 151–152, 159
attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), 157, 159
Auerbach, Melanie, 25, 153, 159
authentic inclusion, 52–54
autism, 49–50, 53–54, 61–62
automation, 220
autonomy, 134–136
Axelrod, Emily, 201–202

The Bachelor (TV show), 124–125

Barry, Katie, 219–220
Bazelon, Emily, 94, 99
Bell, W. Kamau, 59–60
Bennett, Howard, 152
Best, Rebecca, 73
Beyond Differences, 52
Bianchi, Emily, 229
bias, 56–57
“big likings,” 226–227
Biological Psychiatry, 19
Blackmon, Laurel, 156, 157
Bock, Laszlo, 220–221
body image, 111–112, 182–183
Borba, Michele, 36–37, 59, 81, 82, 85, 88
The Boston Globe, 185–186
boundaries, your own and others’, 107, 176–177
Bowman, Alisa, 115–116, 174
Boyle, Brendan, 17
boys
art of curiosity, 177
bullying, 167
classmates’ boundaries, 176–177
connecting with, 165–179
conversation starters, 178
conversations in cars, 171
crying, 177–178
emotional intimacy, 167–168, 175–177
emotional vocabulary, 177–178
friendships, 175
 grades, 173
ideas for educators–“man box” activity, 173, 174–175
loving interactions, 168–170
masculinity, 167, 172–174
myths regarding, 166
physical conflicts, 175–176
physical interactions, 176–177
self-awareness, 167
sensations and emotional state, 178
shared experiences with, 170–171
showing interest in, 170
silence and, leaving room for, 165–166, 168
Snapchats of private parts, 176
stereotypes about, 166–167, 172–174
tips for parents, 178
transgender, 174
video games and, 171
brain development, 1–2, 13
online time/electronics and, 100
bravery, 199
Break the Cycle reports, 110, 111
Briar, Jay, 29–30, 117
Bryant, Kobe, 196
bullying, 35–37, 54, 61–62, 79–90, 92, 167, 231–233
anxiety and, 85–86
boys and girls, 88–89
bullies, 35, 50, 62, 87–89
changing the narrative, 80, 83–84
consulting advisors, real and fictional, 84
conversation starters, 90
creating emotional distance, 87
cyberbullying, 82, 95, 123
emotional recovery, 80
ideas for educators–conflict resolution, 86
imagining the future after, 87
practical strategies to deal with, 80–83
 problem-solving skills and, 81–82
rumination and mantras, 84–85
safety and changing schools, 86
self-harming behavior and, 82–83
social status and, 89
tips for parents, 90
Business Insider, 197

Cain, Susan, 186, 199

Campbell, Kim, 143, 145, 148
Can You Hear Me? (Morgan), 227
CaptureConfidence campaign, 182
CareerBuilder survey, 97
caring for others, 126. See also Making Caring Common Project
Carlos, Juan, 223–224
Carlos, Virginia, 223
cell phones, 229
in the classroom, 144
grades and, 144
homework and, 144–145
mental health and, 99–100
See also technology
Centers for Disease Control, 207
Chan, Alexander, 125
changing world, preparing kids for, 219–230
coaching vs. controlling and, 227–229
college degrees, 220, 221
conversation starters, 230
creative thinking, 219–220, 223–224, 226, 227–228
curiosity, 224–225
empowerment and resilience, 219–230
experiential learning programs, 220, 222–223
ideas for educators–thinking differently about group projects, 225–226
innovation and invention, 219–220, 221–222, 223–224, 236
powers of observation, 224–225
problem-solving, 219–220, 221–222, 229
 sense of purpose and “big likings,” 226–227
tips for parents, 229–230
Child Development, 19, 41, 145
Choldenko, Gennifer, 56
cigarettes/e-cigs, 13
“The Class’s Hour,” 41
Clinton, Hillary, 185
coaching vs. controlling, 227–229
code words, 16
Cohen, Joanna, 12
college admissions
grades and, 133
Making Caring Common Project, 39, 108, 112, 121, 133, 184–185
college degrees, 220, 221
Common Sense Media survey, 27
community, 38
service work, 46–47
Computers and Education, 145
Computers in Human Behavior, 123
confidence, 4, 180, 181–182, 188–189
The Confidence Code for Girls (Shipman), 43, 181–182
conflict negotiation, 5
Conolly, Cristina, 216
Conquer Negative Thinking, 136
consent, sexual harassment and, 108–109
consulting advisors, real and fictional, 84
controlling vs.coaching, 227–229
conversations in cars, 171
cranial facial differences, 52–53
Creating Innovators: The Making of Young People Who Will Change the
World (Wagner), 224
creativity/creative thinking, 4, 6–7, 219–220, 223–224, 226, 227–228
critical thinking. See problem-solving/critical thinking
Cuddy, Amy, 189
cultural differences, 56, 58, 60–61
Cunningham, Bob, 155–156, 157
curiosity, 177, 224–225
Curry, Parker, 54
cyberbullying. See under bullying

DACA. See Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals, 51

Damour, Lisa, 44, 112–113
“The Danger of a Single Story” (Adichie), 59
Dawson, Peg, 141–142, 143–144
Debrief, 101
deep breathing, 45
Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals (DACA), 51
depression, 17, 37, 68, 70, 80, 87–88, 100, 205–208, 215, 216. See also
mental health
Design Apprenticeship Program of the National Building Museum, 223–
224
Diary of a Mom blog (Wilson), 49
Dickerson, Anne, 227
difference in self and others, 49–63
authentic inclusion, 52–54
awareness, 51–52
bullying, 50
conversation starters, 63
fear and bias, 56–57
global connections, 56
ideas for educators–global connections, 56
intolerance, 50–51
power of words, 57–59
self-concept, 50
“single story” danger, 59–62
tips for parents, 62–63
windows and mirrors, 54–55
Dodd, Robert, 3
Dog Whisperer (TV show), 20
Dolin, Ann, 153, 159
Donovan, Jessica, 94, 187
dress codes, 113–114
drugs, 13
Duke University study, 36
Dutton, Jane, 210
Dweck, Carol, 149
dysgraphia, 159
dyslexia, 155, 157–158, 159, 160

early adolescence, 1–2

Eckstein, Ashley, 190
Eckstein, David, 62
Educational Testing Service survey, 27
educators, ideas for
academic achievement: balance and expectations–celebrate “Failure
Week,” 137
boys, connecting with–“man box” activity, 173, 174–175
bullying–conflict resolution, 86
difference in self and others–global connections, 56
ethical decisions–ethical dilemmas during advisory, 16
friendships–creative lunch time, 71
girls, strong, empowered–speakers at career lunches, 188
gossip–student-led discussions, 96–97
homework–team meetings, 147
honesty–teaching parents about developmental phase, 30
intervention for learning challenges–accommodations, 154–155
kindness and empathy–“Shadow a Student” challenge, 42
love–tie-ins in all subjects, 125–126
preparing kids for changing world–thinking differently about group
projects, 225–226
risk-taking–scaffold risk-taking and public speaking, 198–199, 201
setbacks and resilience–mindfulness and skill-building, 212–213
sexual health–Gender and Sexuality Alliance, 117–118
emotional intimacy, 167–168, 175–177
emotional regulation strategies, 6, 211–215
empathy. See kindness and empathy
empowerment and resilience, 165–230
boys, connecting with, 165–179
 girls, strong, empowered, 179–192
preparing kids for a changing world, 219–230
risk-taking, 193–204
See also resilience; setbacks and resilience
endangerment, 199–200
Enough As She Is (Simmons), 44
Esposito, Jeanine, 222
ethical decisions, 6, 11–23
conversation starters, 23
hypothetical and real-world examples, 19–20
ideas for educators–present ethical dilemmas during advisory, 16
plans for tricky situations, 15–16
problem-solving/critical thinking, 13–14
risky behavior, 11–14
sense of purpose, 20
sharing missteps, 21
sleep habits and self-care habits, 17–18
technology and, 21–22
tips for parents, 22
trust and expectations, 18–19
The Everything Parent’s Guide to Special Education (Morin), 153
expansive body language, 189
experiential learning programs, 220, 222–223

Facebook, 19, 97. See also technology

Fair Isn’t Always Equal (Wormeli), 32
family values, 107
The Fantastic Body (Bennett), 152
Faris, Robert, 69, 70, 87, 88
father-daughter relationship, 183
fear, 56–57, 193–195, 195–196, 208–209
flexibility, 73
Folarin, Tope, 220, 224
FOMO (fear of missing out), 69
Fox, Annie, 84, 85–86
The Freak Factor (Rendall), 62, 83
Free to Learn: Unleashing the Instinct to Play Will Make Our Children
Happier, More Self-Reliant, and Better Students (Gray), 228
“Friend or Enemy” exercise, 213
friendships, 4–5, 39, 66–78
boys, 175
conversation starters, 78
focusing on what can be control, 70–71
ideas for educators–creative lunch time, 71
love and, 122
meanness and path forward, 75–77
peer group match, 72–75
popularity and, 68–70, 70–71, 73–74
tips for parents, 78
unbalanced relationships, 69
Frugo, Julie, 125

Gay Straight Alliance (GSA), 26, 116–117, 117–118, 201–202. See also
gender identity
GEMS, 223–224
gender differences
dress codes, 113–114
stereotypes, 111–114
gender identity, 114–117
resources, 168
support, 115–117
See also Gay Straight Alliance; LGBTQ+; transgender
Getting Grit (Miller), 190
The Gift of Failure (Lahey), 134
gifted learners, 156
Ginsburg, Kenneth, 1–2, 13, 16, 126, 166, 168, 169, 200, 215, 216, 225
girls
articulating feelings, 191
body image, 182–183
celebrating other girls’ successes, 189–190
confidence, 4, 180, 181–182, 188–189
conversation starters, 192
 criticism and, 182–183
defining goals, 191
expansive body language, 189
father-daughter relationship, 183
ideas for educators–speakers at career lunches, 188
leadership skills, 184–186
mentors and role models, 186–188
messaging and, 183–184, 184–185
owning success, 188–189
perfection, 181–182
self-advocacy, 180, 190–191
strong, empowered, 179–192
support network, 191
timidity, 179–180
tips for parents, 192
Girls & Sex (Orenstein), 112
Girls on the Run, 189
Glasgow, Rodney, 51–52, 55, 57, 113
Glenn, John, 197
global connections, 56
GLSEN school climate survey, 116
Gomez, Selena, 84
Goodall, Jane, 187
Goodstein, Jennifer, 145–146
Goodwin, Alan, 132–133
Gordon, Jon, 43, 189–190
Gordon, Michael, 2, 18, 20
gossip, 91–102
conservation starters, 102
countering meanness, 95–96
ideas for educators–student-led discussions, 96–97
regaining normalcy, 92–95
reputational damage, 97–101
resilience and, 101
seeking help, 100–101
self-reflection, 101
 Smartphones and, 98–100
social media and, 92–93, 97–101
tips for parents, 101–102
grades, 146, 233–234
balance and expectations, 131–133, 134–136
boys, 173
cell phones and, 144
college admissions, 133
inconsistencies and limitations, 133
myths regarding, 132–133
Grant, Adam, 38, 210
gratitude journal, 73. See also journaling
Gray, Peter, 227–228
Greater Good Magazine, 36
Growing Friendships: A Kid’s Guide to Making and Keeping Friends
(Kennedy-Moore), 67
GSA. See Gay Straight Alliance (GSA)
Guillen Williams, Julia, 92–93, 98
gun control, 210

Hall, G. Stanley, 1
Hallowell, Edward, 159
Hampton, Natalie, 85
Hanson, Rick, 200
Harry Potter series, 42, 83
Harvard Graduate School of Education study, 53. See also Making Caring
Common Project
Harvard Kennedy School Spring Exercise, 223
Harvard study, 38, 214
Harwell, Monica, 59
“Have Smartphones Destroyed a Generation?” (The Atlantic), 100
Health Psychology Open study, 211
Heitner, Devorah, 100
Hinduja, Sameer, 21, 22, 82, 95, 97, 123
homework, 5, 141–150
after-school support, 146
 avoidance, 141–142
cell phones and, 144–145
conversation starters, 150
evaluate and modify, 147–148
ideas for educators–team meetings, 147
independence and, 144
negative voices and, 148–149
physical movement and, 148
reward system, 145–146
routines, 143–144
school as the bad guy, 146–147
self-advocacy skills, 144
sense of agency and, 143–145
study experience, 145–146
task initiation, 141–142
tips for parents, 150
uncomfortable emotions and, 149
honesty, 24–34
conversation starters, 34
ideas for educators–teach parents about developmental phase, 30
lying and, 24–34
modeling, 31–32
tips for parents, 34
values and, 32–33
See also lying
honor, 7–8
Hughes, Eileen, 42
Hurley, Katie, 37, 95, 96, 138, 172–173
Hynes, Michael, 228

IEP (individualized education plan), 153, 154, 157–158

iGen, 99
Ignore It (Pearlman), 114
Ignotofsky, Rachel, 187
immersive virtual reality (IVR) goggles, 58–59
immigrants, 51
inclusion. See authentic inclusion
innovation and invention, 6–7, 219–220, 223–224, 236
resources, 221–222
Inside Out (movie), 149
integrity. See values and integrity
Interactive Autism Network survey, 62
Internet, 27, 208, 209
online and offline social life, 69
online manipulation, love and, 123–124
online time/electronics, 100
pornography, 110
See also technology
intervention for learning challenges, 151–161
attention deficit disorder, 151–152, 159
attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, 157, 159
change for the better, 157–158
child as expert, 152–153
consulting with professionals, 152
conversation starters, 160–161
directness and sensitivity, 159–160
dysgraphia, 159
dyslexia, 155, 157–158, 159, 160
gifted and twice-exceptional learners, 156
ideas for educators–accommodations, 154–155
IEP (individualized education plan), 153, 154, 157–158
independence, 158
learning disabilities, 155–156
school support, 153–154
Section 504 Plan, 152, 154
sharing information and strategies, 159
tips for parents, 160
invention. See innovation and invention

JAMA Pediatrics, 112

Jensen, Edyn, 52–53
Jivani, Sanah, 61
Johns, Christina, 17–18
Johnson, Dwayne, 197
Johnson, Katherine, 187
Johnson, Ned, 134, 152, 207, 209–210
Jones, Maggie, 110
Josephson Institute study, 32
Journal of Adolescent Health, 82
Journal of Applied Social Psychology, 42
Journal of Development & Behavioral Pediatrics, 206
Journal of Early Adolescence, 3, 111
Journal of Experimental Psychology, 57
Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 215
Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 136
journaling, 13, 73, 214, 224
Jovanovic, Ana, 145, 148–149

Karr, Doug, 60
Kay, Katty, 182
Kecmanovic, Jelena, 109
Keltner, Dacher, 40–41, 45
Kennedy-Moore, Eileen, 67, 72–73, 96
Kiang-Spray, Wendy, 58, 135–136
KID Museum, 222, 223, 224
kindness and empathy, 4, 14, 35–48, 70–71, 75, 85, 109
acts of kindness, 35–37
community service work, 46–47
conversation starters, 48
ideas for educators–“Shadow a Student” challenge, 42
jealousy and, 43–44
meanness and, 37–38, 43–44
mindfulness and, 44–46
modeling, 39–41
movement and, 46
perspectives, 41–42
tips for parents, 47
Kohn, Alfie, 197
Lady Gaga, 36, 207
Lager, Karen, 53–54
Lahey, Jessica, 134, 138
Land, George, 220
Langdon, Matt, 83, 84
leadership skills, 184–186
learning, 131–161
academic achievement: balance and expectations, 131–140
challenges, intervention for, 151–161
homework and, 141–150
learning disabilities, 155–156
Lee, Chanice, 190
Lesser, Cara, 223, 224
Let Grow Project, Patchogue Medford School District, New York, 228
Lewis, Alexis, 174, 187, 221
LGBTQ+, 114–115, 116–117, 117–118, 233. See also gender identity
Lickona, Thomas, 124, 125
LieSpotting (Meyer), 27
The Listening Project, New York University, 166, 177
love, 7–8, 120–127, 168–170, 236
caring for others, 126
conversation starters, 127
emotional risks, 126
friendships and, 122
heartbreak and, 120–121, 126
ideas for educators–tie-ins in all subjects, 125–126
media literacy, 124–125
online manipulation, 123–124
outside influences, 124–125
sexual health, 126
sharing experiences, 121–123
tips for parents, 126
Love, Kevin, 173–174
Lupien, Sonia, 210
lying, 24–34
arguing and, 33–34
 the long view, 28–29
offensive vs. defensive, 27
punishment for, 33–34
root cause and reasons for, 25, 29–30
See also honesty
Lyubomirsky, Sonya, 36

maker learning, 223, 224

Making Caring Common Project, Harvard Graduate School of Education,
39, 108, 112, 121, 133, 184–185
mantras, 84–85
marijuana, 13
Maryland Coalition for Inclusion Education report, 53
Mascareñaz, Lauren, 52
masturbation, 106
Meaney, Michael, 209
meanness, 37–38, 43–44
countering, and gossip, 95–96
friendship and, 75–77
See also kindness and empathy
Meet the Robinsons (movie), 149
menstruation, 106
mental health, 99–100. See also depression; suicide; therapy
Merrill-Palmer Quarterly, 134
Merryman, Ashley, 25–26, 28, 29, 33–34
messaging, 183–184, 184–185
Meyer, Pamela, 27, 31
Middle School Confidential series (Fox), 84
middle school models, 2–4
military children, 73, 74
Millan, Cesar, 20
millennials, 99
Miller, Caroline, 190
Miller, Chris, 61–62
Miller, Gregory, 196
Mindell, Ari, 224
mindfulness, 44–46
strategies, 45, 211–213
Mohan, Manisha, 109
Montgomery County Public Schools, Maryland, program, 222
Moore, Roxanne, 220, 227
Morgan, Nick, 227
Morin, Amanda, 153, 158
Morin, Amy, 181, 200, 213, 215
Murphy, Scott, 158, 220, 229
mutuality and reciprocity, 112–113
Myers, Alex, 116

Nardi, Chris, 116, 153–154, 213

National Institutes of Health study, 100, 206
Nelson, Joseph Derrick, 167, 172, 175–176
New York Times, 112–113, 133, 173
The New York Times Magazine, 110
Nielson, Linda, 183
No More Mean Girls (Hurley), 37
Noll, Kathy, 88
Northeastern University study, 45
Northwestern University study, 145
NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children, 25–26
N.U.T.S. model of stress, 210

Obama, Michelle, 54
Ohlrichs, Yuri, 111, 112
Orender, Donna, 187–188, 189
Orenstein, Peggy, 112, 181, 182, 183, 191
Ostrov, Jamie, 67–68, 101
Owning Up (Wiseman), 81

parents
academic achievement: balance and expectations tips for parents, 139
authoritarian vs. authoritative, 41
bullying tips for, 90
 difference tips for, 62–63
embarrassed by you vs. to be with you, 234
ethical-decision tips for, 22
friendship tips for, 78
gossip tips for, 101–102
homework tips for, 150
honesty tips for, 34
honor and, 7–8
intervention for learning challenges tips, 160
kindness and empathy tips for, 47
love and, 7–8, 236
love tips for, 126
parenting through middle school, 234–236
primary job of, 7–8
as safety net, 8
sexual health tips, 119
sharing missteps, 21
Parker, Jack, 174
Parker, William, 174, 206
Patchin, Justin, 82
Peake, David, 116
Pearlman, Casey, 114
Pearlman, Catherine, 114
peer group match, 72–75
Penn State study, 36
Pennies of Time, 46
perfectionism, 137–139, 181–182
Pew Research Center report, 98
Piaget, Jean, 1
Pion, Alison, 199–200
The Players Tribune (Love), 173
Pletter, Adam, 171
PNAS, 46
Pope, Denise, 135
Popular: The Power of Likeability in a Status-Obsessed World (Prinstein),
68
Popular (Prinstein), 87–88
popularity, 68–70, 70–71, 73–74
pornography, 109–111
The Power of a Positive Team (Gordon), 43, 189
power of words, 57–59
powers of observation, 224–225
Presence: Bringing Your Boldest Self to Your Biggest Challenges (Cuddy),
189
Prinstein, Mitch, 68, 69, 72, 73, 77, 87–88
problem-solving/critical thinking, 13–14, 41, 81–82, 94, 134, 135, 144,
219–220, 221–222, 229
Project SUCCESS, 3
Psychological Science, 67
public speaking, 198–199, 201
Purple Hibiscus (Adichie), 55

Quattro, Olan, 223, 224–225

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking (Cain),
186
Quinn, Kyle, 97
quitting, 196–197

race, 51, 54–55, 56, 58–59, 59–60

Radnor Township School District Soundings program, 223
Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys (Thompson), 170
Raising Kids (Ginsburg), 2
Raising the Transgender Child (Bowman), 115
Rakow, Susan, 156
Rathbone, Britt, 43, 208, 216
Rayne, Karen, 113–114
reciprocity and mutuality, 112–113
Reiner, Andrew, 167, 173, 177
Rendall, Dave, 62, 83–84
Report Card on the Ethics of American Youth study (Josephson Institute),
32
reputational damage, 97–101
Rescue Travois, 221
resilience, 101, 209. See also empowerment and resilience; setbacks and
resilience
Resilient: How to Grow an Unshakeable Core of Calm, Strength, and
Happiness (Hanson), 200
Rietano, Margaret, 45–46, 227
Riley, Allie, 189
Rip, Pernille, 56
risk-taking, 193–204
categories of risk, 195
challenging rules, 202–203
confidence-building, 198
conversation starters, 204
demonstrating bravery, 199
endangerment, 199–200
fear and self-doubt, 193–195
feedback, 197–198
gradual exposure, 198–200
healthy vs. unsafe, 200
ideas for educators–scaffold risk-taking and public speaking, 198–199,
201
looking outward, 201–202
mixed messages, 200
positive reinforcement, 200
quitting, 196–197
tips for parents, 204
understanding fear of an activity, 195–196
risky behavior, 11–14
Roffman, Deborah, 103, 104, 107, 108, 118
Rottenberg, Sarah, 18
RTI International study, 122
Rudd, Melanie, 45
rule-generation, 18
rumination, 84–85, 213, 214

safety, schools and, 86

safety net, 8
Sandberg, Sheryl, 186
Scheff, Sue, 69, 97, 98
Schilpp, Ali, 56
schools, safety and, 86
Screenwise (Heitner), 100
The Seattle Times, 57
Section 504 Plan, 152, 154
Selby, Sally, 3, 135
self-advocacy, 6, 143, 144, 180, 190–191
The Self-Driven Child (Johnson), 134
self-fulfilling prophecy, 19
self-harming behavior, 82–83
sense of agency, 71, 112–113, 143–145, 209–210, 221, 223, 228
sense of purpose, 20, 226–227
sense of self, 7, 44, 51
setbacks and resilience, 195, 205–218
anxiety, 206–208, 215
conversation starters, 218
coping strategies, 211–212
depression, 205–208, 215
emotional distress warning signs and when to seek therapy, 215–217
emotional regulation strategies, 211–215
fear, 208–209
ideas for educators–mindfulness and skill-building, 212–213
loosening control, 210
mindfulness strategies, 211–213
optimism, 217–218
self-compassion, 211
sense of agency, 209–210
stress-management strategies, 211
suicide, 207, 216
technology-free zone, 212
tips for parents, 218
troubling events, processing, 208–209
validating feelings, 217–218
 See also empowerment and resilience; resilience
sexism, 51
sexts, 112–113
sexual harassment, 108–111, 113
sexual health, 103–119
body image, 111–112
books and online resources, 105–106
conversations/conversation starters, 118–119
discussions about sex, 103–104, 105–107
family values, 107
gender identity and sexual identity, 114–117
ideas for educators–Gender and Sexuality Alliance, 117–118
love, 126
masturbation, 106
menstruation, 106
mutuality and reciprocity, 112–113
myths, 106
sexts, 112–113
sexual activity, 13–14
sexual harassment, 108–111, 113
sexual intercourse, 13–14, 103, 104
sharing experiences, 107
stereotypes and gender differences, 111–114
tips for parents, 119
sexual identity, 114–117
Shame Nation (Scheff), 69, 97
“SHE” (Society Harnessing Equipment), 109
Shelffo, Janine, 184, 187
Shipman, Claire, 43, 181–182, 188, 191, 198
“Shock Bra,” 109
Silverman, Mary Alice, 26
Simmons, Dena, 55
Simmons, Rachel, 44, 181, 182–183, 184, 191
“single story” danger, 59–62
Sit with Us app, 85
Sixteen Candles (movie), 120–121
Sjolseth, Sheila, 46
sleep habits, 17–18
Smart but Scattered (Dawson), 141
Smartphones, 98–100. See also technology
Smith, Hannah, 82
social isolation, 99
social life, online and offline, 69
social media
block, unfollow, unfriend, 97–98
consumption, 98–100
gossip, 92–93, 97–101
sexual harassment, 109
sleep habits, 17
Social Psychology, 144
social skills, 66–127
bullying, 79–90
friendships, 66–78
gossip, 91–102
love, 120–127
sexual health, 103–119
SOS Suicide Prevention Program, 216
Special Olympics, 57
Speicher, Sandy, 226–227
Stakem, Ricky, 176
Stefani, Gwen, 95
Steinberg, Laurence, 13
STEM (science, technology, engineering, and mathematics), 187, 221, 222,
223–224
Sticks and Stones (Bazelon), 94
StoryCorps, 59
The Strength Switch (Waters), 44
stress, academic, 233–234
stress-management strategies, 211
student-teacher mismatch, 5
suicide, 17–18, 82–83, 98–100, 207, 216. See also mental health
Sullivan, Megan, 77
Supporting the Emotional Needs of the Gifted, 156
Sutton, Robert, 87
Swift, Taylor, 95

Tager, Ella, 155, 157–158, 159, 160

Tager, Miriam, 157–158
Taking the Bully by the Horns (Noll), 88
Talmus, Laura, 52
Talmus, Lily, 52
TASH, 53–54
teacher-student mismatch, 5
Teaching Tolerance magazine, 52
technology, 21–22, 171. See also cell phones; Facebook; Internet;
Smartphones
technology-free zone, 212
TED Talk, 59
Tercyak, Ken, 213
terrorist attack, September 11, 2001, 208
texting while driving, 14
therapy
cognitive-behavioral therapy, 139
when to seek, 215–216
See also mental health
Thinking Skills and Creativity, 13
13 Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do (Morin), 181
Thompson, Michael, 170, 171
thrive, skills needed to, 4–8
transgender, 115–116, 168, 233. See also gender identity
Tubman, Harriet, 84
Twenge, Jean, 99, 100
twice-exceptional learners, 156

Under Our Skin Project, 57

University of California at Berkeley study, 46, 87
University of Florida survey, 108
University of Michigan study, 13, 42, 45
University of New Hampshire study, 109–110
University of Pennsylvania program, 18
University of Pennsylvania study, 13
University of Southern California study, 13
University of Texas at Austin study, 70
UnSelfie (Borba), 36–37, 81
Untangled (Damour), 44
US Weekly, 95

values and integrity, 9–63

differences in self and others, 49–63
ethical decisions, 11–23
focus on values, 32–33
honesty, 24–34
kindness and empathy, 35–48
Vernacchio, Al, 112
Virtual Human Interaction Lab, Stanford University, 58
Visitacion Valley School mindfulness program, 45
Volpitta, Donna, 158

Wagner, Tony, 224

“Wait Until 8th” pledge, 99
The Wall Street Journal, 87
Wang, Vera, 197
The Washington Post, 197
Waters, Lea, 44
Way, Niobe, 166–167, 175, 177
Webster, Jennifer, 74
Weissbourd, Richard, 121, 133
West Windsor Plainsboro Regional School District, New Jersey, real-world
action plan, 222–223
“White Bear” activity, 213–214
white supremacist rallies, Charlottesville, Virginia, 97
Williams, Julia Guillen, 76
Wilson, Brooke, 49–50
Wilson, Jess, 49–50, 53
Wiseman, Rosalind, 81, 85, 86
Women in Science: 50 Fearless Pioneers Who Changed the World
(Ignotofsky), 187
Wormeli, Rick, 32, 142, 147–148
Wowsdom: The Girls Guide to the Positive and the Possible (Orender),
187–188
Wrorsch, Carsten, 196

Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence survey, 207

You and Your Adolescent (Steinberg), 13
Youth Risk Behavior Survey, 13–14, 103–104
YPulse study, 4, 180