Introduction

Hello,my name is Mali Alek,and all I am asking of you is 5

minutes of your time to read some short stories.

The stories in here are based on real life situations and most of them
are my way to finding myself and who I actually am...

"How I Lost Myself" is more than just a book—it is a mirror,

reflecting back the complexities of the human experience and offering
solace to those who have ever felt lost in the labyrinth of their own
existence. It is a testament to the power of storytelling, the resilience of
the human spirit, and the transformative potential of embracing one's
truth. So, dear reader, embark on this journey with an open heart and
an open mind, for within these pages, you may just find a piece of
yourself waiting to be discovered.
 1.

As I walk the dark streets, midnight has long

passed. I walk and think about what
prevents me from ending all these things
that are disastrous for me and ending the
destiny of this sad life. People leave a bad
influence on me, and make me feel
unaccepted in this world. Maybe all this is
just a bad dream from which I can't wake up,
as if something is preventing me from
getting out of that illusion and moving on.
But it's not that simple, I became numb and
desperate for something positive. My breath
is getting heavier and my heart is getting
restless while my brain is boiling with the
negative energy of the people I know.
The only salvation would be that boundary that
I cannot cross, which would separate me from
life in the illusion of such people. The worst
part of it all is that I changed myself because
of them. I became aggressive, increased the
use of bad words and changed my set of
behaviors. I simply became like them, but I still
see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel
and it's not all so black. I throw everything into
oblivion and finally get rid of the grip that is
holding me back. I wake up and start with a
new plan of my life. Abandoned by others, I
travel alone through the torn pages of the past.
It's just like that, many people move on while
some go back, trying to correct the past. I
close the book of the past and move on with
the knowledge of all the mistakes that I don't
want to repeat.
 2.
I think I'm in love, her presence causes some
restlessness in me, but somehow I'm aware of
my thoughts and I can easily control them. But
again somehow I realize that I am enough for
myself. I simply don't need anyone whose
validation would be irrelevant to me. It's easy
for me to forget, but I feel sorry for such people
because hardly any of them realize true love in
the end. Where there is no emotion and where
everything is just for entertainment, then there
is no place for me. No one is perfect enough
and consistent enough to be on my level.
I'm not the one who condemns, but their actions
and actions that I don't like. I make mistakes too,
but at the end of the day, my mistakes are nothing
compared to theirs. Mostly these are things that
bother me and I don't like them, but I don't want to
tell them so as not to hurt them, because it's them,
and unfortunately many of them have a false
image of me. Everyone knows about the
pseudonym they heard in the school hall and
identifies me with it, but unfortunately no one
knows the real me. That's why if I'm ever again
with someone who is average, I want to give
myself the worst punishment I can think of. Now
that I've touched on mediocrity, I could talk a little
about that.
I'm not afraid of average people, I'm even
okay with people being average, but people
who destroy their potential and fall to very low
levels, where they lose themselves. Such
people build a false image of themselves and
live in an illusion, they reduce all their limits to
a minimum and become very vulnerable and
susceptible to manipulation and exploitation.
It's heartbreaking to witness someone
squander their talents and opportunities,
succumbing to mediocrity when they're
capable of so much more. It's not about
achieving extraordinary feats, but about
realizing one's full potential and living
authentically. We should strive to uplift and
support each other to reach greater heights,
rather than settling for the comfort of
complacency.
 3.
Stormy night, the heart once again got that depth
that I have been trying to cover since December.
Simply, that scar on the left side is something
that will be with me for the rest of my life. The
emotions in my head fell apart and the only kind
of happiness I can get is from writing these kind
of thoughts because when I read them tomorrow
I want to be different, and play games where the
possibilities are too great. What is it that makes
me cry, to be sad and the tears never come out,
what is it that prevents me from finishing and
jumping. My happiness was never real and all I
feel right now is pain and suffering for something
that never existed, as if I didn't exist. But when
the time comes, whatever I do, I know it won't
make a difference, whether I was there or not, it
doesn't matter.
And now that I know what love is, I'm sure
that it's not you, because you always choose
something bad. Love is about caring,
nurturing, and uplifting, not causing harm or
pain. It's about selflessness, not selfishness.
It's about building each other up, not tearing
each other down. So, I realize now that you
don't embody love, because your actions
consistently reflect choices that hurt rather
than heal. I think that I am on the edge, that it
is time for something to break. I feel like my
mind is slowly disappearing, and if I continue
like this I know I won't get out of it, all
because of you.
 4.
That's how, while I'm slowly turning into a bigger
dust of oblivion, I'm starting my biggest battle so
far. A battle with yourself. That imaginary
character talking inside my head is becoming my
pain and I want to kick it out and take control of
myself again. It's time to face that creation of
mine, that monster that has no feelings for itself
or others. That alter ego has eaten me up inside
where I feel lifeless. The heart has been in the
cramp for a long time, but he is squeezing it even
more and does not allow it to function normally.
All that anger that gathers in me cannot be
measured, It's like a tempest raging within, fierce
and unyielding. It brews with each injustice, each
betrayal, each disappointment. It's a force that
threatens to consume, to overwhelm every fiber
of my being. Alek simply has to disappear
because he has become an obstacle to some
bigger things, and I am too much of a hindrance.
 5.
I want to kill myself, that my existence
becomes oblivion, since that is what hurts me
the most. Every day my desire is growing, the
desire for non-existence. Why do I exist at all,
when I no longer have the opportunity to cry
and feel the pain of being hurt. Why do others
think that I have no feelings? I have them, I
just hide them in the depths of myself so as
not to hurt others. While in that process I
inflict the greatest pain on myself. Maybe I'm
too good for this cruel world, where someone
like me is the target of condemnation every
day. They make fun of me with the same
name I hear every day ("gay"). I'm trying to
live with it again, but I can't anymore.
With that one word, even those I thought I
loved the most hurt me. I just can't do it like
this anymore. The pain caused by betrayal is
greater than any other, and that betrayal is
most often from the circle of best friends and
family. My world slowly withers and yearns
along with me. All I have left is a deep void. A
void in me that cannot be filled, because a
little bit of love and happiness pass quickly,
but that scar of betrayal and insult remains
forever. Every day has become a new scar
that pulls me closer and closer to the end. I'm
sad, but I can't cry. It's like my tears have
dried up, leaving behind an empty ache that
weighs heavy in my chest. The pain is
there,but the tears refuse to flow.
 6.
In a dark night where I have no peace, I hear a
story about a guy that lost his spirit and feelings
because he loved someone more than himself.
How could she be so cruel to him. Why did she
make a fool of him, if she knew how much he
loved her. I sighed and approached the young
couple on the park bench who were talking about
it, I wanted to hear the whole story. I got a
strange look of warmth, as if I already knew
them. In him I saw myself, and in her, the ghost
of my past. I settled down next to them, and felt
that familiar energy. That was me, that young
boy who will soon realize that love is woven from
too much pain and the only positive emotion is
the happiness he will find in small things. I
listened to them carefully, a tear in my eye, a
lump in my throat.
That feeling that followed me in those days, that
anger that was immeasurable, all those syvars
that fingered me led me to an emotional
breakdown where I lost myself. I believed in
better days, I was looking for my happiness.
When I lost all the people around me, I knew that
I could only succeed alone in this unpromising
world. But over time some people appeared who
were different from others, we had similar stories
and experiences. We started to think about a
better tomorrow, we had plans that were
impossible in the eyes of others. And as we
journey towards our goals, we'll continue to defy
expectations, proving that with passion and
resilience, even the loftiest dreams can become
reality.
 7.
Left alone again, I sat down and set off on the
path of my dreams. And this sadness carried
by the wind flew to me again. I felt the
loneliness of the wind, the roar of silence. He
was telling me something, but I couldn't hear
him because the voices in my head were much
louder. Loneliness was very loud, I heard her
in the distance but I didn't see her, maybe she
is just a part of my thoughts, maybe she is also
a part of this never-ending dream...
I resisted my voices and heard the sound of
the wind, a sound that carried lies. What is the
cost of a lie? It's not that we will mistakenly
replace it with the truth, but when we hear
enough lies, we won't be able to recognize the
real truth.
These are just the words that go through my
mind every day. Where all the events became
like dreams, as if it wasn't me anymore. And
maybe I'm not actually...
As I wander the streets of the past on tireless
nights, I realized that the sound of silence...
became crystal clear. I heard the truth and
looked her in the eye. I found enough strength
not to shed a tear because the words of
broken peace in the depths of my soul hurt a
lot, as if the wounds and scars of the past had
opened. I was alone with the desire to cry, but
I forgot that too, everything hurt. Scar on the
heart was restless, as if every evil I feared had
overtaken me. Maybe I made a mistake,
maybe I'm not good enough, what should I do
next in order not to be afraid of such
situations. My head is restless, and I don't
know if I will be able to sleep tonight...
Thank
you!!