Dot Con The Art of Scamming A Scammer (James Veitch)

Contents
Title Page
Introduction
The Poem
The Gold
The Snail Farm
The Blurb
Tell No One
The Honey Trap
Mary Gary Gary Mary
Safety First
Devil Wife
Sweet Rose
The Sheriff and the Vacuum Cleaner
Princess Mina
The Toaster
Winnie
Keith
China Jewellery Corporation
Hong Kong
The Meta-Scam
Coda
Acknowledgements
Copyright Page
Introduction
It was an email, received first thing in the morning from my friend Alex
(unexpected trip, mugging), that sowed the seeds of what’s become
Dot.Con. It didn’t take me long to realise it wasn’t Alex (Western Union,
alarm bells) and, I reasoned, this gave me the upper hand. I was sitting up in
bed now, finger poised over DELETE on my iPhone when this question
came quite unbidden: ‘What would happen if I replied?’
The marooned friend is one of the best known scams, principally because
it’s the one that dodges the spam filter most frequently. It comes from
someone you know but, often, only tangentially. It’s since become – hands
down – one of my favourite scams. The scammer is pretending to be
someone whom you know; they don’t know how you know them, though,
which means you can just make it up as you go along.
I pecked out a reply.
‘What??????… Alex, but how on earth did this happen?’
And the game was afoot.
The correspondence lasted a day and forms the first section of this book. I
had so much fun that it got me thinking: what would happen if I began
replying to every scam email I received? And that’s what I’ve been doing –
for the past two years – on your behalf.
I’ve been inducted into the FBI, won the Peruvian lottery (twice), been
buttered up by kings, princes and pirates. I have offshore accounts,
consignments of gold and a serious girlfriend in Moscow (we’re giving it
until spring 2017 and then one of us is going to move).
Do try this at home; it’s the only defence we have. But set up a
pseudonymous email account and use that to reply. Initially, I was using my
own account and, consequently, I think I was put on some sort of ‘list of
suckers’. I’d wake up to discover 400 new emails about penis enlargements,
only one of which was a legitimate offer.
Don’t get me wrong – I don’t want to be mean to the scammers. There are
lots of people online who do that. I’m content merely having fun inventing
and I figure any time they’re spending with me is time in which they’re not
scamming vulnerable adults out of their savings.
Incidentally, if you think you don’t get spam, you do; you just have a very
good spam filter. If you want to see what’s been netted pre-inbox, open your
spam folder – there be dragons… But also, I believe, opportunities. I think
of the spam folder not as Pandora’s box, but as a costume shop in which
you can play and play at being whoever and whatever you wish. If only for
a time. Last week, I was a bank robber, a pilot and the one-time confidant of
a beautiful Arabian princess – and that was just Monday.
It’s worth mentioning that for every one of the emails in the book, there
were ten or twenty that didn’t make the cut. Conversation would end
abruptly when the scammer rumbled me as a time-waster, or an email
would bounce, the scammer’s email address having been confiscated and
destroyed by their provider. More often than not, the scammer would refuse
to go off-script, giving me just generic, pasted responses. But, on rare
occasions, with enough coaxing… well, you’ll see.
James Veitch
24 March 2015
Manila, Philippines
(stranded following an unexpected trip)
The Poem
From: Alexandra K
To: James Veitch
Subject: Hi Date: 15 December 08:19
Hi, sorry to bother you but I made a trip early this week to London,
UK and had my bag stolen with my passport and credit cards in it.
The embassy is letting me fly without my passport, I just have to
pay for a ticket and settle Hotel bills. I was thinking of asking you to
lend me some funds. I need to be on the next available flight.
Alex
From: James Veitch
To: Alexandra K
Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 09:56
What??????
From: Alexandra K
To: James Veitch
Thanks for your response i need $2000 to pay hotel bills and cover
my expenses, let me know what you can come up with. I made
inquires and was told western union would be the best option.
From: James Veitch
To: Alexandra K
Alex,
But how on earth did this happen? I had no idea you were even in
London? And two GRAND on hotel bills? How on earth did you
manage that? You could have stayed at mine for free! I’m working
on getting you the cash.
James
From: Alexandra K
To: James Veitch
Thanks alot James i promise to pay back as soon as i get back. here
are the details you will need in sending the funds via western union
Alexandra K,
Charing Cross Road,
London,
WC2H 0QU
From: James Veitch
To: Alexandra K
To be honest, I’m a bit annoyed you’ve spent the past week in the
lap of luxury and haven’t contacted me at all. I thought we were
close; what happened? Also, what’s your room like? I’ll talk to the
bank tomorrow.
From: Alexandra K
To: James Veitch
Dont be please you know my head was filled and i was a bit
confused but now you promised to help my mind is at rest cant you
be able to get the funds by today please i really need to get on the
next avaiable flight let me know.
From: James Veitch
To: Alexandra K
I know how you feel. If I’m paying the bill though do you think you
could at least steal me some towels?
From: Alexandra K
To: James Veitch
James try and get back to me with update let me know if you have
sent the funds
From: James Veitch
To: Alexandra K
Alex, before I do this, and I want to, but before I do this, just tell me
one thing: how was I, as a lover? I’ve been wanting to know this for
ages but haven’t ever had the courage to ask.
From: Alexandra K
To: James Veitch
James dont start am in a mess right now and my head aches please
just get me out of this mess and we will discuss this when i get
home okay,
Thanks and waiting to hear from you soon

From: James Veitch
To: Alexandra K
If that’s the way you’re going to behave then maybe you can just dig
yourself out of this mess. Remember Tuscany? Those huge waves?
All I want to know is whether you still love me. Tell me you still
love me?
From: Alexandra K
To: James Veitch
Okay James i still remember the old times we spent together and i
wish we could do it once more if we had the chance to okay i will
never forget the good times we both spent together please just get
me out of this mess
From: James Veitch
To: Alexandra K
But do you love me???

From: Alexandra K
To: James Veitch
yes i do love you James and i will meet you at the airport once all
this is clear okay so just get to a WU and wire the funds so we can
meet and spend time together alright. Keep me posted
Love you
From: James Veitch
To: Alexandra K
Hi Alex,
Sorry, I’ve been busy all day today. I did manage to call my bank to
make sure I had enough money to cover the hotel bills. The guy I
spoke to said that Western Union isn’t safe. Don’t you think it’s
better that we meet in person? On the way home I decided to ask
you to write me a poem. Nothing large; just a simple one, just for
me. Something about Tuscany. I remember writing you one all those
many years ago and you never replied to me. It would mean a lot to
me.
Yours, James
From: Alexandra K
To: James Veitch
Western union is 100% safe okay all else you dont want to wire the
funds to me cause i made inquires and was told Western union is the
best way to receive funds fast and easier okay so if are still willing
to help me out of this just let know
From: James Veitch
To: Alexandra K
And the poem?
From: Alexandra K
To: James Veitch
I will write you the poem that is no problem but i need to get things
straight first okay? wire the funds so i can get everything done and
we can meet. do you still need the info’s or you still have them
From: James Veitch
To: Alexandra K
I’m not doing anything until I get a poem!
From: Alexandra K
To: James Veitch
Fine i can see you are not helping matters thanks for your time
From: James Veitch
To: Alexandra K
We’ll always have Tuscany.

The Gold
From: Solomon Oddonkoh
To: James Veitch
Subject: (no subject) Date: 15 October 13:34
Hello Mr Veitch, How are you doing? Hope all is well with you. I
have an interesting business proposal I want to share with you. I
await your reply so that we can commence.
Regards, Solomon
From: James Veitch
To: Solomon Oddonkoh
Subject: Re: (no subject) Date: 15 October 19:54
Solomon,
Your email intrigues me.
Go on. Go on.
Jim
To: James Veitch
Hello James Veitch,
In which country are you located, let me hear from you soon, so that
I will see if you can be able to work with us.
Regards, Solomon
From: James Veitch
Hey there, I’m currently stationed in London. Is London on the list

of countries you work with?
To: James Veitch
Dear James Veitch,
You can be able to work with us in London as receiving agent?
We shall be shipping Gold and Rough Diamonds to you to distribute

to buyers on our behalf, and you will earn10% in cash worth of any
goods you distribute.
I await your reply as soon as possible.
Regards, Solomon
From: James Veitch
Of course.
How much are they worth?

To: James Veitch
We will start with smaller quantity of 25kgs of Gold as trial

shipment.
The worth should be about $2.5million.
From: James Veitch
Solomon, If we’re going to do it. Let’s go big. I can handle it.
How much gold and diamonds do you have?

To: James Veitch
It is not matter of how much gold and diamonds that I have, what
matters is your capability of handling.
We can start with 50kgs as trial shipment.
What do you do for a living?
From: James Veitch
50kg? You’ve got to be kidding me. There’s no point doing this at

all unless we’re shipping at least a metric tonne.
I’m a hedge fund executive bank manager so I know about these

things.This isn’t the first time I’ve shipped bullion my friend, no no.
Now. Where are you based? I don’t know about you but I think, if
we’re going Royal Mail, it ought to be signed for – no?
To: James Veitch
It will not be easy to convince my company to do larger quantity

shipment. We usually start with smaller quantity as trial shipment,
I am currently in Ghana. But we have mines all South America and

Africa. Here is our www.katagoldd.web.com
From: James Veitch
Solomon, I’m completely with you on this one. We need to go into

the meeting together and convince them that we need to ship three
tonnes of gold.
I’m not talking about Spandau Ballet either.
Your website is down. Is that the right link?
I’m putting together a visual for you to take into the board meeting.
Hold tight.
From: James Veitch
Solomon,
Attached to this email you’ll find a helpful chart.
I had one of my assistants run the numbers and I’ve discovered an

undeniable correlation between the amount of gold you and I have
and our wealth.
For this reason, I think it’s clear that we should be shipping as much
gold as possible.
Let me know what your thinking is. See if you can get this by the
board. Probably best you print out the attachment and take it in with
you.
Images are powerful.
All best, James

To: James Veitch
Okay Then you will have to call our marketing manager. And
convince him about that.
From: James Veitch
No problem; I can call him in the morning. But I won’t have the
picture to show him. Could you be there so we can do a conference
call? Sort of hit him with all the angles. You go in slow; I’ll come in
fast and heavy about the gold.
You’re totally right about getting in touch with the manager of

course. Here at the bank we, too, leave almost all major decisions to
the marketing team.
How much room do you think the gold will take up?
There’s not much room where I live. I can bin the microwave but
that only frees up about two square feet.
Still trying to get on to your website; have you had your IT guys
look at it?
To: James Veitch
If you can call him in the morning that will be great. I will get more
details regarding the website from the manager in the morning.
I will be so much happy if the deal goes well, because I am going to

get a very good commission as well.
From: James Veitch
Superb. What’s your cut if you don’t mind my asking? Are you
planning on spending it already? I want to get a new microwave.
What’s this guy’s number?
James
To: James Veitch
I will make $1000 commission per each kilo.

His phone numbers is +233-541370970. Name Wilson.
From: James Veitch
Wow. See? We’re both going to do alright out of this.
I’ll call Wilson tomorrow morning.
What are you going to spend your cut on?
To: James Veitch
On RealEstate, what about you?

From: James Veitch
One word: hummus. It’s going places.
I was in Sainsbury’s the other day and there were about 30 different
varieties.
Also, you can cut up carrots and dip them. Have you ever done that
Solomon?
And peppers. The other day I got peppers of all different colours
and cut them up and dipped them in hummus. Delicious. I’ve been
eating a lot of cold food since the microwave packed in. Do you like
microwaves? Will you have one in your new house?
To: James Veitch
I have to go bed now. Till morrow. Have sweet dream.

From: James Veitch
Bonsoir my golden nugget, bonsoir.
From: James Veitch
Solomon,
I had several meetings this morning and was unable to call the
marketing manager.
Meanwhile, I’m concerned about security. The news tells us that the
authorities are watching our every move. The other day I picked up
my telephone and heard a crackle as I brought it to my ear. Then, as
I was talking, there was a popping sound. Finally, when I put the
receiver down, I heard a loud snap. The thought that someone could
have been listening in put me right off my cereal.
To: James Veitch
All I need from you is to follow my instructions and I promise you

we shall both smile at the end.
From: James Veitch
Subject: Security! Date: 18 October 13:55
Solomon,
Re. security: I think when we email each other, we should use some
sort of code. Would that be alright? Say ok and I’ll send you the
code I’ve been working on.
James
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Security! Date: 18 October 15:43
I agree totally that we should use a Code. Am sure from the coming
week the Lawyer would have finished with the legal documents and
we shall proceed with the claim process.
From: James Veitch
Excellent. I spent all night coming up with this code; can we use it
in all further communications please.
Bank: Creme Egg
Lawyer: Gummy Bear
Legal: Fizzy Cola Bottle
Claim: Peanut M&Ms
Documents: Jelly Beans
Western Union: A Giant Gummy Lizard
Please call me KitKat in all further correspondence.
The best thing to do is write the email and then go through it and
replace all the terms with the ones I’ve provided. It would put my
mind at rest and I think it would expedite the whole process.
Looking forward to doing business with you!
KitKat
From: James Veitch
Solomon,
Is the deal still on?
KitKat
To: James Veitch
The Business is on and I am trying to raise the balance for the

lawyer so that he can submit all the needed legal documents the
bank for the claim process to start. Can you assist with some funds?
Send to my name £1,500.00 via Western Union
From: James Veitch
Solomon,
I certainly can. I can send funds tomorrow. But I’m very concerned
about privacy. For instance in your email, ‘claim’ should have been
Peanut M&Ms and ‘documents’ should have been Jelly Beans.
To: James Veitch
The business is on. I am trying to raise the balance for the Gummy
Bear so he can submit all the needed Fizzy Cola Bottle Jelly Beans
to the Creme Egg for the Peanut M&Ms process to start. Can you
assist with the funds? Send £1,500.00 via A Giant Gummy Lizard.
Solomon
From: James Veitch
:)
The Snail Farm
Oramaeze Maxwell
@mormaeze
@veitchtweets I need an investor to invest 300000$ in farming that

will yield profit of 6000000$ in eight months
29/09 13.04
James Veitch
@veitchtweets
@moramaeze what sort of farming are we talking about? Will I

need to milk a cow?
29/09 13.38
Oramaeze Maxwell
@mormaeze
@veitchtweets no cow business but snail farm only
29/09 14.04
James Veitch
@veitchtweets
@moramaeze how are we supposed to get milk from snails? have

you thought this through?
29/09 14.16
Oramaeze Maxwell
@mormaeze
@veitchtweets no i don’t mean we milk snail but farm it so that all

that eats snail can afford to buy snail
29/09 16.01
James Veitch
@veitchtweets
@moramaeze how confident are you that we can’t milk snails?

Don’t you think it’s worth trying? This could be a good secondary
income.
29/09 19.06
Oramaeze Maxwell
@mormaeze
@veitchtweets snail contains little fat. it is the best food for

Africans in order to reduce risk of cholesterol.don’t joke look divine
29/09 22.34
James Veitch
@veitchtweets
@moramaeze amazing. How easy are they to catch?
30/09 12.56
Oramaeze Maxwell
@mormaeze
@veitchtweets it is being hunt in the night because they move only

in the night for food.
30/09 13.04
James Veitch
@veitchtweets
@moramaeze gotcha. How fast do we have to be though? When I

was younger I tried to catch a rabbit and it was very very hard.
30/09 13.07
Oramaeze Maxwell
@mormaeze
@veitchtweets snail moves slowly
30/09 13.10
James Veitch
@veitchtweets
@moramaeze how slowly?
30/09 13.13
Oramaeze Maxwell
@mormaeze
@veitchtweets one of the most slow moving creature
30/09 13.32
James Veitch
@veitchtweets
@moramaeze In principle, I’m in. How would you feel about

coming in with me on a cheetah farm I’m planning?
03/10 17.58
Oramaeze Maxwell
@mormaeze
@veitchtweets what next is to sign the contract legally and start

construction of the farm.
03/10 19.16
James Veitch
@veitchtweets
@moramaeze Question, how do we stop the snails escaping? could

we organise some sort of ride around the farm or ‘park’ for tourists?
03/10 19.32
Oramaeze Maxwell
@mormaeze
@veitchtweets i have no fund for that.such farm better 4 western

world
03/10 20.44
James Veitch
@veitchtweets
@moramaeze not 100% sure Camden Council would grant planning

permission for a snail farm. I had enough trouble getting resident’s
parking.
03/10 20.50
James Veitch
@veitchtweets
@moramaeze Islington?
03/10 20.51
Oramaeze Maxwell
@mormaeze
@veitchtweets snails will be controlled by a construction with wire

gauge.hence no atom of risk involve.
03/10 23.17
James Veitch
@veitchtweets
@moramaeze This wire gauge sounds perfect. Can we electrify it,

too?
03/10 23.33
Oramaeze Maxwell
@mormaeze
@veitchtweets no need
03/10 23.50
James Veitch
@veitchtweets
@moramaeze Can we prevent a breakout though? What if

something happens to the fences? What if the snails learn how to
open doors?
04/10 07.41
Oramaeze Maxwell
@mormaeze
@veitchtweets security for all properties are my government first

priority there is security provision in my proposal to you. no cause 4
fear
04/10 09.12
James Veitch
@veitchtweets
@moramaeze You say that but if we have a snail breakout it’s not
going to be as easy as when the Pirates of the Caribbean ride breaks
down.
04/10 09.20
Oramaeze Maxwell
@mormaeze
@veitchtweets there is cause for alarm
04/10 13.18
James Veitch
@veitchtweets
@moramaeze Exactly. We clocked the S African Snail going 32mm

per hour.
04/10 13.44
Oramaeze Maxwell
@mormaeze
@veitchtweets no escape
04/10 13.47
James Veitch
@veitchtweets
@moramaeze What are we talking here? How many snails does £15
get me?
04/10 13.56
Oramaeze Maxwell
@mormaeze
@veitchtweets i know the business very well as you know comedy

very well
04/10 16.05
James Veitch
@veitchtweets
@moramaeze If you know the snail racket half as well as I know

callbacks, we’ll be milking ’til kingdom come.
04/10 16.06
Oramaeze Maxwell
@mormaeze
@veitchtweets the ball is in your court
04/10 16.07
James Veitch
@veitchtweets
@moramaeze but the snails are in yours.
04/10 16.08
The Blurb
From: Robert Fortnum
To: James Veitch
Subject: Need your help... Date: 27 October 17:05
Hello,
This message may be coming to you as a surprise but I need your

help.Few days back my family and I made an unannounced vacation
trip to Manila,Philippines. Everything was going fine until last night
when we were mugged on our way back to the hotel. They Stole all
our cash,credit cards and cellphone but thank God we still have our
lives and passports safe.The hotel manager has been unhelpful to us
for reasons i don’t know.I’m writing you from a local library.
I’ve reported to the police and after writing down some statements
that’s the last i had from them.i contacted the consulate and all i
keep hearing is they will get back to me. Our return flight leaves
soon…I need you to help me out with a fast loan to settle our bills
here so we can get back home i’ll refund the money as soon as we
get back.
Thanks, ROBERT
From: James Veitch
To: Robert Fortnum
Subject: Re: Need your help... Date: 27 October 21:32
Robert,
This is NO TIME to visit the library. Who’s this hotel manager and
This is NO TIME to visit the library. Who s this hotel manager and
why is he being so unhelpful?
Of course I’ll loan you the money. What do you need? Shall I
contact the consulate on your behalf?
How’s Daphne?
James
To: James Veitch
Daphne’s fine.
We are having such a frustrating ordeal here. I have nothing left on

me except my passport which i could use as verification purpose at
the Western Union outlet.
I’d really appreciate if you can loan me the cash. All i need now is
$2,500 USD but will appreciate whatsoever you can afford to wired
right now. You can send it via Western Union money transfer. I can
receive the cash within minutes after it’s sent using my International
passport as identification.
Here is the information you need :

Name – ROBERT FORTNUM
Location: 54B Hilton Road, Makati City, Manila, Philippines
amount: $2500
Email me the transaction confirmation number as soon as it’s sent. I

promise to refund as soon as I arrive home.
From: James Veitch
To: Robert Fortnum
Of course Rob; you know I’d do anything for you and Daphne and
the twins.
Let me check and see whether there’s one of those Western Union
thingies close by.
How soon do you need it?
James
To: James Veitch
Thanks for your helping hand, i need the money urgently because i
will need sort my bills, you can have the money wired online Via
westernunion.com.
Let me know how much they charge in sending fee’s so I can add to
reimbursement.
Thanks, ROBERT
From: James Veitch
To: Robert Fortnum
Ok, ok.
I’m trying to get the cash out today but it’s a Sunday so it’s tricky.
Doing my best for you buddy.
You haven’t even asked how my writing is going!
James
To: James Veitch
OH,sorry i almost forgot to ask you how is your writing? i got lot
thinking right now, i want to have the money wired to me online via
westernunion.com if you can’t locate any local store or WU outlet
near you because i think having it done online would be more easier
and faster.
Await your responds.

From: James Veitch
To: Robert Fortnum
Thanks so much for asking, Robert. Just knowing you’re out there –
albeit in Manila – means a lot to me.
Actually I just checked online and there is a WU in central London

that is open 24 hours so if I can convince my bank to let me get that
much cash out, I’ll go there this afternoon.
But did you end up finishing my novel? Last time we spoke you’d
read half but not finished it. What did you think?
Tell Daphne we say hi.
To: James Veitch
Ok cool. Thank you for the help and we talk more once i arrive
home. Keep me posted with the transaction confirmation number.
From: James Veitch
To: Robert Fortnum
Of course. But what did you think of the first 12 chapters of my

novel? You know how important your feedback is to me.
To: James Veitch
Well i appreciate every bit of what i read.
But i must let you know that am not in the mood for this now
because we are really having such a frustrating ordeal here so it’s
not making me think well at all,so until i get home.
Hope you understand.

From: James Veitch
To: Robert Fortnum
Look Robbie, you’re asking me for $2.5k but you can’t even tell me
what you thought of my novel? Take a moment, breathe a little and
tell me your considered opinion.
I’m beginning to think you just don’t care at all.
To: James Veitch
Yes i know it’s been ages since we have a proper chat and i don’t
want you to think i don’t care about your novel or maybe am feeling
unconcerned about your novel but it’s just we are a very bad and
frustrating trip.
Just to let you to know that i really appreciate every bit of the
wordings written on the novel. But the least i could say about the
novel is that it’s very passionate and sensitive.
From: James Veitch
To: Robert Fortnum
Robster!
Thank you so much. I called my bank and they’re making a one-

time exception and allowing me to withdraw £2000. I need to tie up
some business here and I may use your quotation for the back of the
book; would that be alright?
One final question. How did you feel about the way it started? What
did you think of the main character? And what was your favourite
bit?
Please just tell me this and I’ll go make the payment straight away.
Yours, James
To: James Veitch
OMG What a million questions!!!
It’s lovely and make’s more meaning to someone life and i really
love the way it started and what i think about the main
character,lovely Passionate and Sensitive,
My favorite bit is just knowing that the novel has a lot and add alot
to someone’s life.
Please let me know what going on.
From: James Veitch
To: Robert Fortnum
Subject: Mock-up Date: 28 October 17:54
So sorry about all the questions. It means such a lot to me. I love
that you described it that way.
I’ve attached a mock-up of the book that my publisher just sent me;
I hope you don’t mind but we used your quotation. What do you
think? :) :)
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Mock-up Date: 28 October 18:06
Wow this look good.
I will like you to go get the money sent now so i don’t get frustrated.
From: James Veitch
To: Robert Fortnum
I know, right?
Could you give me one more quotation for the back cover though,
as my publisher is going nuts trying to get it out.
Just 30 words about the main plot twist and the bit with the robots
and the milkmaid.
I just need to get this email sent off to her with the final changes and
then I’ll go to the WU to send your cash.
Cheers, James
P.S. Excited!!
To: James Veitch
Tired of your cunning.
OMG What a million questions!!! why you asking me this as at

moment ?? Is this just because i asked you of help.. why have you
decided to treat me like this, i want you to know that we’re meant to
help each other. I knew this is unusual but are the only person i
could reach at this point and i’m doing everything i can so we can
work our way out of here peacefully.
My flight leaves in hours from now and I really need your help to
sort out the hotel bills. Kindly let me know if you’re willing to help
us out of this mess ok.
From: James Veitch
To: Robert Fortnum
Subject: Sensitive Passion: a novel Date: 28 October 18:16
Of COURSE I am. But you’ve got to see it from my point of view; I

haven’t spoken to you in years, you email me out of the blue and
ask for money. I’ve spent all day trying to get this money out of the
bank (they even tried to tell me it was some sort of ‘scam’) and now
you tell me not only have you read my book but you LOVED it and
you’re willing to write me a blurb for the back cover.
Now my publisher is going nuts trying to get this 30 words and I’m
just asking you for 30 words about the plot twist and the robots and
the milkmaid before I head out the door. I swear I will get you this
money within the hour. Just write me the blurb so I can shut my
publisher up. You’re the most respected Doctor of Philosophy in the
country and I need your help, too.
Please, just gimme 30 words on Sensitive Passion and I’ll send you
the money.
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Sensitive Passion: a novel Date: 28 October 18:30
OMG!!! why are you being so paranoid about this situation. I would
never ask you to wire money to my name if i wasn’t myself.
I never expected you could doubt me after explaining the horrible

experience i went through,am seriously freaked out at the moment
and need urgent help to get back home on time.
I’ll be hanging on here to read from you soon.
From: James Veitch
To: Robert Fortnum
OMG!! I can imagine. This is just how the milkmaid feels when she
meets the robots in chapter 3.
I literally have the cash with me in crisp £10 notes. I just need to get
to that Western Union but my publisher AND agent are now asking
me for this blurb. Can you send now and then I will order a taxi to
take me to the WU?
To: James Veitch
This novel is anincredible novel. The main character the milkmade

is passionate and lovely and sensitive and the plot twist with the
robots is good too.
This novel adds to peoples lives anyone who reads the book will be
surprised by the twist. I also loved the way it started
ROBERT
From: James Veitch
To: Robert Fortnum
Rob, this is beautiful. My publisher will be over the moon. I’m

going to send you the money just as soon as the first royalty cheque
comes in.
In the meantime, hang out in the library. It’s a good place to be.
Tell No One
From: Juan Carlos
To: James Veitch
Subject: ATTENTION! Date: 21 May 03:42
Greetings? Firstly, i must apologies for barge into your mailbox. i

seek a decision maker to grab 50% of $128 million. Yours free
Have i got your attention?
My question to you is do you want to be a millionaire? all you need
do is assist me on what is Required you get $64 million dollars
I require UN undertaking that you will not run of with the money.
Driven by greed. call it winnings or compensation is your choice.
From: James Veitch
To: Juan Carlos
Subject: Re: ATTENTION! Date: 22 May 08:05
Sorry, can you repeat that? I wasn’t paying attention.

From: Juan Carlos
To: James Veitch
???
From: James Veitch
To: Juan Carlos
Ok, I reread it and yes, in principle, I’m in. Very excited. Who am I
allowed to tell about this?
From: Juan Carlos
To: James Veitch
This transaction is a deal which you do no allowed to tell anybody.

However, provide your personal information
From: James Veitch
To: Juan Carlos
Ok. I’ll be sending you my information in the next email.
Am I ok to tell my mother? She would be very excited to know that

I was in such a lucrative business deal.
From: Juan Carlos
To: James Veitch
Hello Mr Veitch.
Yes, you can proceed and discuss this transaction with your mom so
that she can partner with you and receive this $64 million.
i will be waiting for your information for we to start the transaction.
Mr Jaun Carlos
From: James Veitch
To: Juan Carlos
Wonderful. I’ve told my mother and she’s very, very excited. She’s
asked me whether she can tell my uncle John about it. Is that ok? He
might be coming in with us on the deal. I think we’ll need help
anyway because I don’t work Mondays for obvious reasons.
From: Juan Carlos
To: James Veitch
If you want to work with me and receive this money. let me know so
that i can tell you more detail and procedures by which you have to
follow.You can tell your uncle but no more.
From: James Veitch
To: Juan Carlos
Subject: Small prob Date: 22 May 19:27
So my Aunty Norma was in the room when I told Uncle John about
the $128 million. I remembered what you said and I told her not to
tell anyone but she must have forgotten because she told Patrick
who texted Aunt Molly and Uncle Nigel who conference-called Sue
and Uncle Mark, Uncle Paul and Cousin Siobhan. Siobhan told
Alan and Alan told Hannah and Hannah blabbed to Dan. Jeremy
and Lorna know, too; I think Paul’s to blame. And now they all want
in. About the only person who doesn’t know is Jonathan and that’s
only because he’s in a different time zone.
The only good news is that Grandma’s been told at least three times
but still has no idea what we’re on about.
Anyway, sorry for the hassle. I hope this doesn’t affect the deal.
From: Juan Carlos
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Small prob Date: 23 May 04:22
You are warned to disregard other contact or any communication

you have with other people from now henceforth.
From: James Veitch
To: Juan Carlos
Subject: Jonathan Date: 23 May 11:14
Jonathan knows. I don’t know how, but he knows.
Genuinely really sorry about this.
From: Juan Carlos
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Jonathan Date: 23 May 13:40
I contacted you based on Trust and confidentiality that you will

keep this transaction as top secret and private.
From: James Veitch
To: Juan Carlos
Subject: Re: Jonathan Date: 23 May 13:56
I don’t see what the problem is. Thus far the only people who know
are Mark, Paul, Siobhan, Grandma (sometimes), Patrick, Molly,
Nigel, John, Norma, Jonathan, Hannah, Daniel, Jeremy, Lorna, Paul,
Ma, Alan and me.
If poss, I’d like to keep this on the DL, so please don’t tell anyone.
The Honey Trap
From: Elena
To: James Veitch
Subject: How did I find you? Date: 14 February 08:35
Don’t wait far too long

tell someone how much you love,
and how much you care.
From: James Veitch
To: Elena
Subject: Re: How did I find you? Date: 14 February 18:21
HAIKU!!! Send more.

From: Elena
To: James Veitch
My name is Elena.
i am searching for an understanding person who see love as the only

way of trust and care.
i have something important to tell you
From: James Veitch
To: Elena
Elena,
That’s SO weird. I was searching for an understanding person who

see love as the only way of trust and care right when you emailed.
What’s this important thing you have to tell me?
I hate it when people do that because you could have just used the
space you used to say ‘I have something important to tell you’ to
say the important thing itself.
James Veitch
From: Elena
To: James Veitch
Subject: About me Date: 17 February 13:21
Dear James,
I am 24 years old, 5.6ft tall, never married before.
i am a girl who loves to give people happiness always despite what

the circumstance might look like. Most of my hobbies are, reading
novels, jogging, listening to music, cooking, listen to music, tv and
movies.
I like honest, real, sincere and trustworthy people. But i hate

dishonest, cheaters, and irresponsible peoples.
I have a cat. His name is Homka.
Elena
From: James Veitch
To: Elena
Subject: Re: About me Date: 17 February 19:16
Let me introduce myself, too. I am Mr James Veitch (rhymes with

‘peach’), 5’10” tall. I, too, have never married though my mother
keeps asking probing questions about whether I’ve ‘met someone’.
It’s really nice to make your acquaintance. I, too, love movies and
hate dishonest people! It’s exciting to meet someone who shares the
same esoteric range of likes and dislikes as I do.
I can’t help noticing that you listed listening to music twice in your
hobbies. Was this an oversight or are you just very passionate about
listening to music?
My hobbies are playing piano and guitar, pining for girls, worrying
about climate change, pining for girls and the poetry of John Keats.
From: Elena
To: James Veitch
Subject: My life Date: 18 February 13:49
Dearest James
I wish to let you know that sincerely is the best way in life. though
we might be thousands of miles away from each other but it does
not matter,what really matters in life is love not distance or color. I
want to love and be loved.
Elena
From: James Veitch
To: Elena
Subject: Re: My life Date: 18 February 14:41
Elena,
That’s actually fairly beautiful. I think I read Fiona Apple said

something like this recently. I’ll try and fish out the quotation for
you. Do you like the Beatles?
P.S. That’s all I’ve ever wanted: to love and be loved.

From: Elena
To: James Veitch
Subject: Feelings Date: 19 February 06:23
I believe you are good and nice man. You are very Attractive Man.
I am excited and my head is like any big station with a lot of voice!
From: James Veitch
To: Elena
Subject: Re: Feelings Date: 19 February 13:49
How long have you been hearing voices?
P.S. ‘Love is love, and there will never be too much.’
Fiona Apple, Letter to a Fan

From: Elena
To: James Veitch
I like blue and red colors? What colors do you like?
If you don’t mind to meet me please tell me the name of your city
and nearest international airport! I will book my flight from
Moscow.
I think you are interested that I don’t have a boyfriend, because all
men here look on my visual aspect and I want somebody who will
look inside me.
From: James Veitch
To: Elena
I’m so sorry you haven’t found anyone to look inside you yet. Come
to London – I’ll sort you out with an Oyster card.
In answer to your question, the nearest international airport is

Heathrow. There’s Gatwick, too but, to be honest, it’s a pain in the
ass. Don’t ever get me started on Stansted. I’m quite excited to see
you. But so soon? Do you normally fly out to meet someone you’ve
just met??
James (call me Jimbo, please)

From: Elena
To: James Veitch
My honey Jimbo!!!!!!
I am glad that we have got acquainted in this big world of Internet

and we can communicate here easyly now.
You are very attractive man.

From: James Veitch
To: Elena
Subject: Attractive man Date: 22 February 09:26
Thanks so much for calling me Jimbo. It really makes me feel like

we’re becoming intimate. Albeit over the internet.
I’m just here in London. I live in a huge house but have it all to
myself*. I have no family and am genuinely concerned about what
will happen to all of my property when I shuffle off this mortal coil.
You’ll have to be careful with me because I’m very forgetful and a

bit eccentric. In essence, I’ve made a lot of money but have no one
to spend it on. It just sits in a Swiss account earning interest. How
boring! Don’t go thinking I’m some sort of business mogul. I’m not;
I’ve just made a few shrewd investments along the way (I bought
hummus back in ‘93 when everyone was like ‘what’s hummus?’)
and, as I say, I’ve had no one to share my wealth with.
So there; you’ve heard the good things about me. Here are some
embarrassing things! I’m quite naïve and tremendously gullible.
Really! My trusting nature has landed me in a pickle or two, I can
tell you! I’m whimsical and spontaneous. I make rash decisions and
I don’t think about the consequences until afterwards.
I hope none of this puts you off :( Tell me more about you. Who is
your favourite Beatle? Mine’s John. I am a very attractive man.
From: Elena
To: James Veitch

Subject: Re: Attractive man Date: 22 February 22:42
Hello my honey Jimbo! I already started my trip to you!
I still cannot believe I’ve done it!!!!!!!!!!!!! Every my cell shouts

about how it wants to see you. I do not want even to breath without
you! I need you as an air.
I think that when a man and woman take the bath together it is very
romantic. Would you like to take bath with me?
From: James Veitch
To: Elena
Subject: Bath Date: 22 February 23:55
So glad to see your sweet name in my inbox once again. Every my

cell shouts too! I wish you were here. I wish I had someone to share
my life and wealth with; something to keep me from those bi-
weekly money bonfires I have for tax purposes. I feel so alive!
But, Elena, the two-person bath isn’t what they promise it’s going to
be. The only reason Julia Roberts and the guy could do it is because
they were in a jacuzzi. Right from the start, they’re a pain to
coordinate and, once you’re in, there’s no space, hardly any water
and your bum makes un-sexy squeaking noises as it rubs on the
acrylic. And then you lie there waiting for one of you to admit that it
isn’t fun until the water gets cold. That said, if you want to have a
bath with me, who am I to argue.
Your Jimbo, X
From: Elena
To: James Veitch
Subject: Picture Date: 23 February 19:20
I am attaching a picture of me:
From: James Veitch
To: Elena
Subject: Re: Picture Date: 23 February 19:44
Amazing! Which one are you?

From: Elena
To: James Veitch
Subject: Tickets Date: 24 February 00:15
I didn’t guess that tickets costs so much. May be you could borrow
some money?! You may send it by Western Union. It is pretty easy
to use.
Here is a picture with your email address to show that I am real.
From: James Veitch
To: Elena
Subject: Re: Tickets Date: 24 February 12:23
Love the picture. See attached! Will you bring Homka with you?
From: Elena
To: James Veitch
Subject: So sorry Date: 24 February 20:38
Without your help I will not be able to fly to you. But I do not want
to be lonely again. I want you to warm your hands up in the back
pockets of my jeans. I want you to love me.
I do no know homka. Who is homka?

From: James Veitch
To: Elena
Subject: Re: So sorry Date: 24 February 21:11
Homka is your cat and, frankly, if you can forget about Homka so
easily, what’s to stop you forgetting about me?
But I want to see you, too. Not only do I want to warm my hands in
the back pocket of your jeans but I get the distinct impression you
would like to dip your hands into my back pocket, too.
Much love, James
P.S. I improved your photo for you. See attached.

P.P.S. Somewhere, in Moscow, there is a hungry cat.
From: Elena
To: James Veitch
Subject: Bad day :-(( Date: 24 February 23:44
I do not wish to give you a words of good bye! If you cannot lend
me money then I can not pay for a ticket. My last hope is you and
only your kind and understanding heart.
From: James Veitch
To: Elena
Subject: Re: Bad day :-(( Date: 25 February 09:57
Thoughts?
From: Elena
To: James Veitch
Subject: Broken dreams Date: 25 February 14:36
My Love! I have not understood your last letter! All my dreams is

broken now. If i will not have money I should go home. I am crying
everyday. I am ready to do everything to come to you and to see
you. Please respond to my massage.
From: James Veitch
To: Elena
Subject: Re: Broken dreams Date: 25 February 16:46
I loved your massage. But could we make a date further down the
line? Perhaps September might suit? It all feels so rushed.
From: Elena
To: James Veitch
Subject: Passport Date: 26 February 05:11
This is me and my passport.

From: James Veitch
To: Elena
Subject: Back at ya! Date: 26 February 11:59
This is really fun. Send me something else too! xxx

Mary Gary Gary Mary
From: Mary Gary
To: James Veitch
Subject: Secret Date: 27 December 09:45
I am contacting you based on Trust and confidentiality that you will

keep this as top secret.
From: James Veitch
To: Mary Gary
Subject: Re: Secret Date: 27 December 12:02
I didn’t read further than ‘trust’ and ‘confidentiality’.
I’m in.
From: Mary Gary
To: James Veitch
Subject: My story Date: 27 December 13:20
During a routine patrol by my unit sometime ago, I discovered a

safe buried in a destroyed building. I inspect the safe and found it
contained the sum of $15,000,000
But can I trust you? You take 40 percent and keep my 50 percent
and donate 10 percent to charity organizations so that our good Lord
will assist and bless us in future. I believe this is fair enough.
Your role is to find a safe place where it can be sent to. Can you
handle these? We need to build trust. Do not let me down.
Mary Gary
From: James Veitch
To: Mary Gary
Subject: Re: My story Date: 27 December 13:50
Dear Gary,
I shan’t let you down!

From: Mary Gary
To: James Veitch
My name is Mary Gary, feel free to call me Mary.
You must provide the following information: complete Names,

Delivery Address, Occupation, Country.
I shall await your response. I am sending my Identification to you
M. Gary
From: James Veitch
To: Mary Gary
Gary, please find the info you need below.

Name: James Veitch
Address: Acacia Road W1 42S
Occupation: Fruit Consultant
Country: United Kingdom
From: Mary Gary
To: James Veitch
It is Mary. my name is Mary Gary. There is no Gary unless it is my

second name.
From: James Veitch
To: Mary Gary
Ok. But if you’re Mary, then who’s this Gary? Are you sure we
should involve a third person in this? Seems risky to me.
From: Mary Gary
To: James Veitch
It is only Mary. No Gary.
From: James Veitch
To: Mary Gary
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. Gotcha.
From: Mary Gary
To: James Veitch
Good.
From: James Veitch
To: Mary Gary
Dear Mary and Gary,
Can you 100% confirm that this is real? I’m worried about scams.
All that Mary/Gary stuff got me a bit worried.
From: Mary Gary
To: James Veitch
This project is real, this transaction is no joke and such opportunity

comes once in a life time. As stated in my last email to you, my
name is Mary and Gary is my second name. Please remember.
Once again thank you and God bless America

From: James Veitch
To: Mary Gary
What’s next?
From: Mary Gary
To: James Veitch
I must tell you about me. I love my husband and kids with great
passion, but I lost them at the 9/11 bomb blast. I have given you my
military id and like to see a picture of you too if you don’t mind.
From: James Veitch
To: Mary Gary
I’m so sad to hear you lost your family during the 9/11 bomb blast. I
lost many of my relatives during the bombing of the Titanic.
I don’t have any photographs of me to hand but I’m attaching a

portrait of me standing in front of my house. Do not be alarmed; this
is not to scale:
From: Mary Gary
To: James Veitch
Subject: Shipment Date: 31 December 18:30
I must confess that I really appreciate your kind of person. I’ll do all
my possible best to make sure everything go smooth out here
The shipment will be tagged Ancient Graphic Art Materials and will
be in Trunk Boxes. With this, it will not be checked at any port of
entry by country customs or airport securities. So, it will be just you
and me that is aware of its original content.
I trust in you, so please do not fail me or steal the money when it

gets to you.
From: James Veitch
To: Mary Gary
Subject: Re: Shipment Date: 31 December 19:30
Ok. How much are these Ancient Graphic Art Materials worth?
From: Mary Gary
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Shipment Date: 1 January 08:54
Please try to understand my previous message. The trunk boxes

contains the sum of $15,000,000
From: James Veitch
To: Mary Gary
But you just said they would contain Ancient Graphic Art.
From: Mary Gary
To: James Veitch
The shipping company was told the trunk contains ancient graphic
art, the company does not know the real content of the consignment,
only you and i know that the trunk contains cash.
From: James Veitch
To: Mary Gary
Gary, I just don’t understand how ancient graphic art can be worth
15 million dollars. What am I meant to do with it?
From: Mary Gary
To: James Veitch
Do you read my mails very well, if you do you would understand

everything.
Listen my friend, the trunk boxes contains cash and not ancient
graphic art okay.
From: James Veitch
To: Mary Gary
Why didn’t you say that before? This makes perfect sense now. I’m
excited!
From: Mary Gary
To: James Veitch
Subject: Blessings Date: 5 January 09:51
May the almighty God continue to guide and protect us in all our
doings, I demand that, truth, honesty, sincererity and confidentiality
should be our CODE WORD in this transaction.
From: James Veitch
To: Mary Gary
Subject: Re: Blessings Date: 5 January 10:53
That’s four code words. Which are we using?
May God Almighty help manifest a speedy transaction.

From: Mary Gary
To: James Veitch
Subject: Shipment dispatched Date: 5 January 21:11
This is to inform you that the trunk boxes were dispatched some
hours ago.
The shipping company charged $10,350 for diplomatic shipment. I

had to remove the sum of $10,350 to complete payment for the
charges. The total amount available in the trunk boxes after this
deduction is now $14,989,650
The shipping company will contact you with the details
M. Gary
From: James Veitch
To: Mary Gary
Subject: Honesty Date: 5 January 22:42
Sorry to be a dummy but I went for a cup of tea and when I got back
to the computer I had forgotten what was in the trunk. Are you
sending me a mix of money and graphic art or is the graphic art
actually money or ancient money?
From: Mary Gary
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Honesty Date: 6 January 03:45
The consignment contains money and not ancient graphic art.
I had to lie to the shipping company so that they would believe the
consignment contains ancient graphic art
From: AIRRA SHIPPING
To: James Veitch
Subject: SHIPMENT RECEIVED Date: 6 January 03:47
This is to inform you that we have received a shipment of two trunk

boxes and presently waiting for onward shipment to you.
From: James Veitch
To: Mary Gary
Subject: Truth Date: 6 January 09:16
Thanks Gaz.
I was really worried about the ancient graphic art. I’ve got a small
apartment and nowhere really to display it. Unless I got rid of the
toaster. But, it matters not because I’ve received an email from Airra
Shipping.
Question. Do we need to give Mary a cut of the money too?
From: Mary Gary
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Truth Date: 6 January 09:51
If at any time you are asked, just tell the shipping company the
trunk boxes is full of ancient graphic art materials as indicated on
the air way bill.
From: James Veitch
To: AIRRA SHIPPING
Subject: Re: SHIPMENT RECEIVED Date: 6 January 10:55
Please don’t open the trunk boxes. There’s no reason to. The trunk
boxes is full of ancient graphic art materials as indicated on the air
way bill.
To: James Veitch
We have received approval for your Non-Inspection Certificate at a

cost of: $1085
From: James Veitch
To: AIRRA SHIPPING
No, there is nothing of interest for you inside the trunk boxes.
Being a dealer in Ancient Art and whatnot, I am accustomed to

large shipments of this nature. There’s nothing suspicious about
that.
Ancient Graphic Art. That’s my racket. And don’t let anyone tell
you otherwise.
To: James Veitch
You are required to immediately send the balance payment of $1085

for the The Non Inspection Certificate Fee This will enable the
subsequent delivery of your trunk boxes to you.
From: James Veitch
To: AIRRA SHIPPING
These aren’t the trunk boxes you’re looking for.
You won’t find anything anyway – apart from Ancient Art that’s
Graphic in nature.
To: James Veitch
If you cannot meet up with the payment today, then the shipment
will have to be delayed.
From: James Veitch
To: AIRRA SHIPPING
DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES LOOK INSIDE THE

TRUNK BOXES. I FORBID IT.
From: James Veitch
To: Mary Gary
Subject: Panic Date: 7 January 15:06
Mary, how long do I need to keep up this ruse? I’m acting super
natural but I think they know something’s up.
From: Mary Gary
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Panic Date: 7 January 15:36
You should pay the fee they are asking for.
From: James Veitch
To: Mary Gary
Subject: Sincerity Date: 7 January 20:51
I’ve been thinking about the percentages a lot. Could we do 40% for
me, 50% for you, but also give 20% to charity? I don’t feel like
we’re giving them enough in the current split.
From: Mary Gary
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Sincerity Date: 8 January 15:22
i do not mind increasing the percentage to see the success of this,
From: James Veitch
To: Mary Gary
Subject: Confidentiality Date: 8 January 16:20
This is fantastic. And I was also thinking that we should increase

mine a bit too. Can we agree 40% for you, 65% for me and 20% to
charity. Would that be ok?
From: Mary Gary
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Confidentiality Date: 8 January 17:15
There is no problem my dear, am really worried about the

consignment because of the much delay.
From: James Veitch
To: Mary Gary
Subject: Charley Date: 8 January 17:48
If poss, I’d like to give my friend Charley one-fifth; he did Ancient

Greek at uni. Might come in handy with translating the Graphic Art.
From: Mary Gary
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Charley Date: 9 January 12:38
Who is your friend you talk about and do you trust him?
From: James Veitch
To: Mary Gary
Subject: Final breakdown Date: 9 January 19:36
FINAL BREAKDOWN
MARY: 40%
JAMES: 70%
CHARITY: 20%
CHARLEY: 1/5th
JAMES: 20%
and a further 35% for Gary?
From: Mary Gary
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Final breakdown Date: 9 January 20:03
You have put your compensation two times.
From: James Veitch
To: Mary Gary
Damn, you’re good.
From: Mary Gary
To: James Veitch
THe trunks are waiting for your payment. Do not delay.

From: James Veitch
To: Mary Gary
Subject: Question Date: 11 January 16:19
Do we know what’s in them yet?
From: Mary Gary
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Question Date: 12 January 14:59
Do you think am kidding
From: James Veitch
To: Mary Gary
Subject: Re: Question Date: 12 January 15:00
Do not think you’re kidding.
Unless you are. Are you kidding?

Safety First
From: Tom Beedham
To: James Veitch
Subject: Reply ASAP.................Tom Beedham Date: 14 November 16:57
Sorry for any inconveniences, but I’m in a terrible situation. I came

down here to Manila,Philippines. Last night I was robbed at
gunpoint, my wallet and other valuables were stolen off me, leaving
only my passport and life safe. My luggage is still in custody of the
hotel management pending when I make payment on outstanding
bills.
I need you to help me with a loan I will reimburse you soon as I get
back Home.
All hopes on you.
Tom Beedham
From: James Veitch
To: Tom Beedham
Subject: Re: Reply ASAP.................Tom Beedham Date: 14 November 18:43
Again??!! Noooo problem, Tom. What do you need this time?

From: Tom Beedham
To: James Veitch
Glad you replied. As soon as i get back home tomorrow i will

definitely refund the money. All i need is £2,150 sent through
western union to my information below.
Receivers Name: Tom Beedham
Location: Vicente Cruz Street 908, Espana, Near 7-Eleven
Manila City, 1000, Metro Manila
As soon as it is done, kindly get back to me with the western union

confirmation number
From: James Veitch
To: Tom Beedham
Wow. That is a lot of money. Let me see what I can pull together.
We may have to unplug Granny but I reckon it’s doable :)
From: Tom Beedham
To: James Veitch
OK, Kindly go to the nearest Western Union Shop as soon as it is

open tomorrow.
Keep me posted.
From: James Veitch
To: Tom Beedham
Hey Buddy,
Just woke up. Had an awful nightmare about your gun mugging. I’m
a bit nervous about sending this much money abroad. Can I just
send it straight to your hotel?
From: Tom Beedham
To: James Veitch
Hi,
The Hotel Management does not allow payment online only cash in
person.Kindly send via western union to my name and send me the
Money Transfer Control Number from western union(MTCN)#
Kindly do this and email me the transfer code ASAP.
From: James Veitch
To: Tom Beedham
Boom! I sent the money and they gave me that confirmation MTCN
number you were on about.
From: Tom Beedham
To: James Veitch
Send me the number please so I can pick up the money.
From: James Veitch
To: Tom Beedham
Is it ok if I send the number to you in bits? It’s a lot of money and I

heard from a friend that emails can sometimes get hacked! Though,
to be frank, that sounds far-fetched.
From: Tom Beedham
To: James Veitch
Yes. Send in bits. Please quick.

From: James Veitch
To: Tom Beedham
Ok, I’m really glad you agree about that. Incidentally, Lucy has had
a baby. Can you believe it?! When did you guys break up again?
Anyway, don’t worry about that now. The first digit of the MTCN
number to collect your cash is ‘1’.
Reply back for the next bit. The baby has curly hair. Just like you.
From: Tom Beedham
To: James Veitch
Send the number as whole number. This takes too long.

From: James Veitch
To: Tom Beedham
No, no no, we can’t have this money going astray. Better safe than
sorry. To be honest, that’s a good rule of thumb generally. Re: Lucy,
let me know if you need me to do a cheek swab.
Are you ready for the second number?
From: Tom Beedham
To: James Veitch
Yes please send more numbers though
From: James Veitch
To: Tom Beedham
Ok, I’ll send two numbers this time to speed things up.
The next part is ‘23’.

From: Tom Beedham
To: James Veitch
How many numbers altogether?
From: James Veitch
To: Tom Beedham
32
From: James Veitch
To: Tom Beedham
Tom?
From: Tom Beedham
To: James Veitch
Please give more numbers.
From: James Veitch
To: Tom Beedham
No can do. Security, Tom.
Are you ready for the fourth digit in the sequence?
From: Tom Beedham
To: James Veitch
Yes. I am ready.
From: James Veitch
To: Tom Beedham
Ok, but just so I know it’s still you, can you repeat back to me the
numbers I’ve given you so far.
From: Tom Beedham
To: James Veitch
You have given me 123
From: James Veitch
To: Tom Beedham
CORRECT!
Ok. The next number is ‘4’.

From: Tom Beedham
To: James Veitch
Goodbye
From: James Veitch
To: Tom Beedham
Ok. Let me know when you’re ready for the other 28.
Devil Wife
From: John Kelly
To: James Veitch
Subject: John Kelly Date: 4 July 12:15
I need your help.
From: James Veitch
To: John Kelly
Subject: Re: John Kelly Date: 4 July 20:24
John! Why? Who are you?

From: John Kelly
To: James Veitch
Subject: Dear friend Date: 4 July 22:29
Dear friend, My name is John Kelly. I am 59 years old man.
I am in a hospital in Dubai. Recently, my Doctor told me that I

would not last for the next six months due to my cancer problem
(cancer of the lever)
I am giving my money away because of my health condition and the

fact that my second wife is a terrifying woman to deal with,
marrying her was the only mistake I made in my life.
She’s currently managing my company here, but, I know what she’s

capable of, she has sold her soul to the devil and I do not want her to
come near my money.
Regards, John Kelly

From: James Veitch
To: John Kelly
Subject: Re: Dear friend Date: 4 July 22:32
John,
I’m so sorry to hear of this. Cancer of the lever can be deadly.
Your second wife sounds awful. How did she sell her soul to the
devil?
Are you sure it’s your lever and not your second wife poisoning
you? Make sure you check your food before you eat it.
James
From: John Kelly
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Dear friend Date: 5 July 07:04
Dear. James Veitch,
I am delighted to read your email. I must trust in you base on the

information from you. My wife is a very wicked woman who want
me death so that she can inherit my wealth.I am praying to God to
extend my life.
John Kelly
From: James Veitch
To: John Kelly
Subject: Idea! Date: 5 July 13:55
John,
I had an idea while I was in the bath this morning. When you sit
down to dinner, say ‘look over there’ or something and when she’s
looking the other direction, switch plates with her. That way if she’s
poisoned your food, she’ll be eating it.
James Veitch
From: John Kelly
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Idea! Date: 5 July 16:25
I feel sad when ever I talk about her. I need you sincere assistant to
help me to move and invest the sum of nine million dollars.
Our business discussion must remain strictly confidential and my

wife can never know about it.
From: James Veitch
To: John Kelly
Subject: Update Date: 6 July 11:51
John,
Forget what I said before. Don’t do the plate switcheroo. She’s

crafty. She might have anticipated the plate switching and already
switched them. So don’t switch the plates.
James Veitch
From: John Kelly
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Update Date: 6 July 13:09
Dear James Veitch,
Thank you for your kind advice. But I will also wish to remind you
that I can only allow for 10 minutes by the doctor to check my
email.
The funds are currently deposited with a private security company,

your duty is to contact the company as my representative, arrange
with them and finalize the funds into your account.
John Kelly
From: James Veitch
To: John Kelly
Subject: Ignore last email Date: 7 July 11:25
I’ve had another bath and I think you should switch the plates. Hear
me out: I think that she will have anticipated our anticipation and
will give you the poison. Of course, it’s quite possible that she
might anticipate this though. Basically, I’m confused.
From: John Kelly
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Ignore last email Date: 7 July 12:19
James Veitch you must inform me your readiness to allow me

introduce you officially to the company as my financial investment
representative
I wait for your approval

From: James Veitch
To: John Kelly
Subject: Re: Ignore last email Date: 7 July 23:24
Of course, happy to help. Let me know the deets.
Meanwhile, my wife has been acting very strangely the last few
months. I’m concerned she might be wanting me death too. It could
be she’s annoyed at the number of baths I’ve been taking. What are
your top ten signs that your wife has become evil and wants your
wealth?
From: John Kelly
To: James Veitch
Subject: Surgery Date: 8 July 10:38
James Veitch, I am going on a cancer surgery operation today.
Contact my lawyer with libbertylawfirm@hotmail.co.uk Tell him

that I have willed 9.2M to you for the good work of the God, There
might be a small processing fee
From: James Veitch
To: Libberty Law
Subject: (no subject) Date: 8 July 12:15
Dear Libberty Law,
John’s having the op’ today. Just in case things go pear-shaped, he’s
willed 9.2M to me to spend ‘as frivolously as possible’.
Can you get in touch and let me know how I can best receive the
money? I’ve run up a sizeable water bill that I need to pay off asap.
All best, James

From: Libberty Law
To: James Veitch
Subject: Our Ref: L1311C/07 Date: 8 July 22:11
LibbertyLaw Chambers,
Sr. Corporate Legal Services
Malvern Terrace
London, UK
RE: BENEFICIARY FOR MR. JOHN KELLY ESTATE
Our client Mr.John Kelly has asked that we provide legal services
on your behalf as his beneficiary in respect of funds ($9.2 Million)
We will require your personal information to prepare the required

documents
Please send to this office the following details:
FULL NAMES, CONTACT ADDRESS, OCCUPATION,

MONTHLY SALARY/INCOME, MARITAL STATUS, TEL/FAX
NO, MOBILE PHONE NO.
I await your reply.
Regards, Barr.Libberty Moore

For: Libberty Chambers & Co
From: James Veitch
To: Libberty Law
Subject: Re: Our Ref: L1311C/07 Date: 9 July 10:16
Dear Libberty Law,
YES. I am to be the beneficiary for John’s estate.
Here are the details you asked for:

FULL NAMES: Alastair James Veitch
OCCUPATION: Hedge Fund Manager
MONTHLY SALARY/INCOME: ~ £40K
MOBILE PHONE NO: I don’t trust the damn things.
How can I get this money? I’m so anxious to get a hold of it I might
just do something rash.
James
From: Libberty Law
To: James Veitch
Dear James Veitch,
We could not respond to your email yesterday because of the news

of John Kelly’s death that reached us yesterday from Dubai
Mortality and Death Records Agency.
John Kelly passed out in the early hours of yesterday and his
remains have been deposited in a mortuary and will be burried on
the Monday next week in Dubai.
Get back to me so that I can instruct you on how you can send the
900 USD to the court, for them to issue you the above required
documents for submission to the ING Bank for the release of the
funds to you. The bible made us to understand that blessed is the
hand that gives.
Barr.Libberty Moore
From: James Veitch
To: Libberty Law
Dear Libberty Moore,
I am so sorry to hear that John Kelly has passed out. Do you mind
my asking whether it was peaceful? It seems like I was talking to
him only yesterday.
It’s a shocking and entirely unexpected development. Begin with the

wife. If you ask me there’s something not quite right about her.
Meanwhile, I’m ready to receive the $9.2 million. I am so happy to

do this. I am reminded of Psalms 13: 3–4 where the Lord says:
‘bring unto me the nine point two million in non sequential bills’.
Please begin the transfer as soon as possible as I’m a bit

impecunious just this minute.
James
From: Libberty Law
To: James Veitch
Dear James Veitch,
He died of complications resulting from the operation. May his

gentle soul rest in peace.
You can send the payment for them to release of the funds to you.
From: James Veitch
To: Libberty Law
This must be hitting you hard then. How are you holding up?
I’ve been thinking it over and I couldn’t, in all honesty, accept this
money without knowing a bit more about John Kelly. Where is his
funeral going to take place? I’m thinking of going.
J
From: Libberty Law
To: James Veitch
We categorically stated that his remains would be buried on Monday

in Dubai, which is today.
Thank you very much for your concern about my personal well
being and how are you and your family doing? I hope great? May
John Kelly’s gentle soul rest in peace.
Yes, of a truth, his death is hitting me hard, and I am being able to

hold up because of the actualization of his dreams that is near
completion due to your kindness to assist him.
From: James Veitch
To: Libberty Law
Thank you and I’m sorry for missing that. I think I was in a state of
shock when I read the email. Can you tell me a bit more about Dr
John Kelly – his life, his loves? Where were you when you found
out about his passing out?
From: Libberty Law
To: James Veitch
I knew him very well as I was his company’s lawyer here in the UK
when he was operating a super-market and a juice firm before he
sold them out and migrated to Dubai and ever since then, I have
been his personal lawyer.
Sequel to your second question, I have contacted the court and I was
told that the payment of 900 USD can only be effected via the
following stipulated and approved mode: International Money
Transfer Agency
Once this has been paid the $9.2 million will be released to you.
I await your reply.
Regards, Barr.Libberty Moore

From: James Veitch
To: Libberty Law
Sorry I haven’t gotten back to you; I’ve been in business meetings. I

wanted to tell you about a dream I had last night. You were in it and
John was in it, too. We were all there. You had 9.2 million sheaves
of corn that you were going to give me if only I gave you a paltry
900 sheaves of corn. I handed you over my sheaves of corn and,
sipping his carton of supermarket orange juice, John smiled at us in
that sentimental, dewy-eyed way he always did. But when I turned
to look for you and your 9.2 million sheaves of corn, you had
vanished. I turned back to John but he merely shrugged his
shoulders and passed out again. Do you think it means anything?
Have you ever had dreams of this nature?
I’ll go to Western Union in a few hours once I hear back from you.
Yours, James
From: Libberty Law
To: James Veitch
I wish to inform you that dreams often times are reflections of one’s
imaginations. Hence, I want to let you know that your dream is a
mere reflection. Moreso, everything is in comformity with the laws
and regulations of the judicial syetems here in the UK, so you do
not have any cause to worry.
I await the payment immediately
Regards,
Barr.Libberty Moore
From: James Veitch
To: Libberty Law
I hear what you’re saying about dreams. You’re so right. Anyway,

as long as it’s in conformity with the syetems then I’m on board.
One thing, though. I live in London you see, so I thought I’d just
pop round and give you the $900 in person. Be good to meet up
anyway and chew the fat. I stopped by your corporate offices in
North London only I couldn’t find an office there. Just a cul de sac.
What’s the deal?
All best, James

Sweet Rose
From: Godwin C
To: James Veitch
Subject: iPhone 4S 16GB Factory Unlocked Date: 4 April 23:41
hello good day, how are you today? i saw the iPhone you put up for
sale and i am interested in it, is it in good condition?
So tell me how much would it go for? You should come down a

little bit on the prize,
I realy need this phone for my wife, and i can make payment as
soon as possible.
From: James Veitch
To: Godwin C
Subject: Re: iPhone 4S 16GB Factory Unlocked Date: 5 April 09:23
The prize is £375.

From: Godwin C
To: James Veitch
What matters now is that i told my wife and she like the phone
Ok, now i would like you to send it to my wife abroad she is a nurse
and works with unicef, how is the cost of shipping?
God bless.
From: James Veitch
To: Godwin C
That depends. What country would you like it shipped to?
From: Godwin C
To: James Veitch
Sorry for the delay i was at a meeting,, She is currently stationed in

akure, ondo state, nigeria… How soon can you do that for me?
From: James Veitch
To: Godwin C
Immediately, my friend. Hope the meeting was ok.
From: Godwin C
To: James Veitch
Yes my friend the meeting was fine, thanks alot for asking, so i’ll be
expecting to hear from you soon, thank you…
From: James Veitch
To: Godwin C
No problem. Just wing the PayPal over to this email and I’ll send it
out to your wife who is currently stationed in Nigeria.
Bless you.
From: Godwin C
To: James Veitch
My friend i’m still with you ok, i am of to get your money ready ok,
From: James Veitch
To: Godwin C
Good to know, Godwin. I’m still with you, too. Let’s do lunch.
We’ll have shrimp.
From: Paypal
To: James Veitch
Subject: (no subject) Date: 7 April 14:28
From: Godwin C
To: James Veitch
My friend good evening, i have processed your paypal* so let me

give you the actual address you will be sending it to. The manager
of the hotel where my wife stays will receive it for her…
Name: Mr Godfrey C
address: akarale road, akure, ondo state, nigeria
thank you and have a wonderful evening….

From: James Veitch
To: Godwin C
Godwin, 100% I’m with you on this one. I’m going to get this baby
packaged up. Once I’ve done that, I’ll ship it off to Nigeria.
What’s your wife’s name? How did you meet her?
From: Godwin C
To: James Veitch
My wife’s name is Rose, but i fondly call her sweet rose because
she is very pretty, i met her in 2008 when i went for my sister
wedding ceremony in aberdeen.
From: James Veitch
To: Godwin C
Aberdeen, Scotland? No WAY!
Godwin, lemme ask you a question. How do you show a girl you
like her and are interested without scaring her away? What’s your
secret? I bet with Sweet Rose you behaved all nonchalant at first
and that made her want you more. What’s the secret, Godwin?
(iPhone is packaged.)
From: Godwin C
To: James Veitch
James every lady likes a man that is bold, and goes directly for what
he wants,
Do not worry so much over ladies. You will find a sweet rose of
your own.
But you must scan and email me the shipping documents

immediately.
From: James Veitch
To: Godwin C
Absolutely. I’m all over this, Godwin. You wouldn’t believe how
much I’m looking forward to sending my phone to you. I was
thinking about what you said about girls and boldness all night. I
think maybe the thing to do is to focus on other things and be
independent; not *need* a lover. Then perhaps one will come along
when I least expect it.
What’s your favourite Beatles song and why?
From: Godwin C
To: James Veitch
Mr James, realy i am not the type for music as it’s not among my
hobbies, i only come across the songs once in a while and i dont pay
them attention… When do you intend to make the shipment?
From: James Veitch
To: Godwin C
Hey Godwin,
I packaged it all up yesterday, ready to go. You’re not going to

believe this but when I checked on it this morning, I discovered, to
my dismay, that I didn’t have an iPhone at all. What I actually had
was just an old remote control for the television. God knows how I
got it into my head that it was an iPhone 4. Does Sweet Rose need a
remote control? If so, I can send it to you anyway.
James
The Sheriff and the Vacuum Cleaner
From: Darrell K
To: James Veitch
Subject: Date: 2 April 14:30
When you see vacuum cleaner around sheriff, it means that hand
related to gets stinking drunk.
From: James Veitch
To: Darrell K
Subject: Re: Date: 2 April 14:31
Darrell,
It’s poetry, there’s no doubt in my mind. But it needs formatting

thus:
When you see vacuum cleaner around sheriff,

it means
that hand related to gets
stinking
drunk.
See? Far more accessible.
Send me some more of your stuff.
James.
Princess Mina
From: Princess Mina
To: James Veitch
Subject: how are you Date: 13 November 19:59
hello how are you doing. I saw your email contact when i was
searching for a friend in the internet.i will like to be your frined, I
am in good health conditions and my body is healthy and no
diseases in my body
my name is Princess Mina please i know you might not know me

but i have a very important issue to discuss with you and i believe
you can handle it
From: James Veitch
To: Princess Mina
Subject: Re: how are you Date: 9 January 19:37
I’d love to be frineds with you. Where are you a Princess of?
You’re right, I can handle it.
What is it though?
From: Princess Mina
To: James Veitch
Hello James,
Thanks for responding to my message and how is weather over

there in your country?
I am the only single daughter of my late Father who was

Zimbabwe’s main political power broker. My late father was
imprisoned by Defense Minister Emmerson Mnangagwa, who is
known as “the Crocodile.” My late father is now dead.
Miss Princess Mina

From: James Veitch
To: Princess Mina
Princess Mina,
I’m so sorry to hear about your late father but I’m sure your late
father would be proud of you for raising the flag for your father who
is late.
I have to tell you, I don’t like the sound of this crocodile one bit. We
must fight corruption wherever we find it! For example, I was at the
optician’s yesterday and the glasses weren’t too pricey but then they
tried to up-sell me on the thin lenses, reflective coating, Pentax
anamorphic stuff. I know it’s not quite the same, but I’m just trying
to say that I get it, Princess Mina.
Question. Do you ever get tired of living in the palace? What’s your
day-to-day like? Do you have servants and a tiger?
Weather is fine.
James
From: Princess Mina
To: James Veitch
Oh James,
It is my pleasure to hear from you back! Life is hard for me here.

My uncle was the one who have made every evil arrangement to kill
my father. After my late father died, my uncle called a meeting on
how to divert all my fathers investment. My uncle have asked my
mother to hand him over all my late father’s property document
which include his industry called PAPER MILL INDUSTRY.
From: James Veitch
To: Princess Mina
Princess Mina,
This sounds awful. Oddly, I know a guy who was in a similar

position and what he did was put a play on in front of his uncle. I
know, I know – hear me out. You make the play about your uncle
murdering your father. Your uncle will freak out when he sees it!
I’m sorry life is hard. What do you do to unwind? Do you have any
pictures of you in royal attire?
P.S. One more thing: you might want to look into your mother’s
relationship with your uncle. No reason.
From: Princess Mina
To: James Veitch
James, thank you for your words. The only thing i inherit from my
father is the money. No one knows the existence of this deposit only
the Reverend father and i will plead the man of God to release his
personal phone number for me to pass it across to you…
From: James Veitch
To: Princess Mina
You have God’s personal phone number? Question. Is it 0870? I

don’t care who he is; that’s a very expensive call. Lots to chew on
here. What does PAPER MILL INDUSTRY produce?
From: Princess Mina
To: James Veitch
hello dear, the PAPER MILL industry belongs to my late father they
produce stationary and toilet tissue papers but my wicked uncle took
over everything after master minding the death of my parents and
my brother. I know that he is behind all those calamities that befall
on my family.
From: James Veitch
To: Princess Mina
Princess Mina, your story fills me with sadness. Have you tried
talking to your uncle? Sometimes that helps. Maybe if you told him
how upset you are that he masterminded the deaths of your parents
and brother it might clear the air. How is the loo roll business
going? Is he doing a good job of running that company?
From: Princess Mina
To: James Veitch
my uncle is a very wicked and mean man, everybody fears him

whosoever that tries to stop him will pay with his or her life
From: James Veitch
To: Princess Mina
Princess Mina, I would never betray you like your uncle has. But
think about it from his perspective; he probably feels he has to live
up to this image of him that you all have. He probably doesn’t
actually want to make people pay with their lives; he’s just afraid of
what would happen if, instead of executing them, he let them into
his heart.
It’s hard with family. I know this because I played Monopoly with
mine at Christmas.
From: Princess Mina
To: James Veitch
Before his death my father deposited a sum of 3.7 Million Dollars in

leading bank in Europe with a strick instruction that the money will
not be release unless;
1. I attain the age of 30 years or 2. I am married to a man who is

willing to love me 3. I get a trusted partner or company. But right
now i have not met any of these
From: James Veitch
To: Princess Mina
Have you thought about number 2? I could be willing to love you. I

can’t promise anything of course but you tick all the boxes.
Together we can overthrow your tyrannical uncle and take over the
family business. That is if he hasn’t already flushed it down the
toilet. Are you on Tinder?
From: Princess Mina
To: James Veitch
I will accept that if you promise never to betray me. But first we
must become business partners.
From: James Veitch
To: Princess Mina
Wonderful news! I can’t believe I’m getting married! Do you think

we should invite your uncle to the wedding or is he persona non
grata? Maybe we invite him to the dancing but tell him we’re tight
on numbers for the dinner and ceremony? That’s a slap in the face.
From: Princess Mina
To: James Veitch
I am excited too my love. In this regard i will like you to contact the
bank immediately and tell them that you are my foreign partner
From: James Veitch
To: Princess Mina
Subject: Some news Date: 3 March 15:42
Oh Princess, there’s no easy way to say this. I’ve met someone else.
She’s a bit all over the shop but falling, yes I am falling. Know that
I’ll always remember those first heady days when you were ‘in good
health conditions and my body is healthy and no diseases in my
body’, and that rocky patch in January when we jilted your crazy
uncle. James
The Toaster
From: Mrs Debra Whitman
To: James Veitch
Subject: 45.3 million Pounds Date: 15 December 18:19
Greetings to you in the Name of Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ,
My late husband deposited the sum of £45.3 million Poundswith a

Bank in India. I do not know when my time will be up, it might be
shorter than the doctors said or more if God willing.
I saw your profile on Microsoft EMAIL owners list and picked

youbecause i know in my heart you can be trusted. I am Mrs. Debra
Whitman a 82 years old woman, married to a citizen who till his
death was a reputable business man in Isle of Man.
Isle of Man, is otherwise known simply as Mann, is a selfgoverning

British Crown Dependency, located in the Irish Sea. The head of
state is Queen Elizabeth II, who holds the title of Lord of Mann.
Best Regards, Debra Whitman
From: James Veitch
To: Mrs Debra Whitman
Subject: Re: 45.3 million Pounds Date: 15 December 20:24
Greetings to you too.
Honestly, being on that Microsoft EMAIL owners list has been such
a blessing. I’m so glad I signed up for it.
Tell me more about this Isle of Man or ‘Mann’, as you call it.
Of course I am happy to help. How can you get the money to me?
It’s a huge amount of money; I’m concerned about it going into my
bank account.
James
To: James Veitch
Hello James
The Isle of Man is more or less as England is in the UK, just that
England is the Capital. There is Scotland and Ireland too.
I want you to use the fund to setup an orphanage with 70% of the
total funds and the rest 30% keep that for yourself. My preliminary
thoughts are to focus on children, the elderly and homelessness.
It was Google email owner list I got your email from actually.
Debra Whitman.
From: James Veitch
Ah. I am on both lists, so that makes sense. Tell me more of the Isle
of Man. Where does Guernsey fit in?
I’m with you 100% on this orphanage home. Where is it going to be

and what shall we call it? I’m going to brainstorm this afternoon.
You do it, too and let me know what you come up with.
You say that your preliminary thoughts are on the children, the
elderly and homelessness. That’s a fairly broad scope, Deb, and I
really think we should focus on just one of those to start with.
Otherwise we risk spreading ourselves too thin. Also, what if we
take in a homeless child or a homeless old person or even an old,
homeless child? Do they get triple the attention? We really need to
think about these things.
Jim
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: 45.3 million Pounds Date: 16 December 11.45
Dear JAMES. The capital of Guernsey is Saint Peter Port, while the
capital of Isle of Man is Douglas. Scotland capital is Edinburgh.
The location and name of the home is your responsibility. The bank
will request Activation fee for new account. I will wait for you
email.
Debra Whitman
From: James Veitch
Debbie, of course I can make contact with the bank today and set up
a new account. There’s an offer of a free toaster on at the moment
and I’ve got my heart set on it.
Your geography is superb btw.

To: James Veitch
Hi James, very good to know you can contact the bank immediately.
I do not understand what you meant by “There’s an offer of a free

toaster on at the moment and I’ve got my heart set on it” can you
explain?
please get back, thanks, Debra.
From: James Veitch
Defo. Basically the whole toaster thing works like this: the bank
gives me a free toaster as a ‘thank you’ for starting an account.
Would you want the toaster or could I keep it?

To: James Veitch
Don’t worry about getting a toaster.
Please contact info@royalbs.co.in don’t delay. My health is not too

good now. I don’t have much days here on Earth.
From: James Veitch
D, it’s all very well for you to say ‘don’t worry about getting a
toaster’, but how am I supposed to warm my bread?
So sorry to hear about your health. It sounds like you are not long
for this mortal coil. On the plus side, though, you couldn’t be
handing over your £45.3 million to a more trustworthy individual.
Sure, I have a penchant for fast cars and gold tiaras, but I’m also all
about the little things – like the toaster.
When are you leaving Earth??

To: James Veitch
dont let the time I’m leaving earth be of more concern to you,..
From: James Veitch
Debra, I’m worried that we’ll be in business together and then one
day you’ll just up and leave Earth without giving me any notice.
Is this not a valid concern?
To: James Veitch
if you no longer read from me then it has happened.

From: James Veitch
Will you tell me before the countdown begins?
To: James Veitch
I have not seen anybody that is more unserious as you are.
Even if I will die soon, do you have to mock me with it? just go
ahead and get the funds to the bank
Debra.
From: James Veitch
Debra, I had no idea we were talking about your death!
Meanwhile, have you given any thought to the name of the

orphanage? I was thinking we could call it:
James and Deb’s home for needy old homeless children
Or is that not catchy enough? What are your thoughts?
To: James Veitch
What were you thinking I was talking about when I said I will be
leaving this earth, am I going to Mass?
From: James Veitch
Where’s Mass? Is that where the toaster is?
To: James Veitch
Sorry I mean Mars one of the planet of the Nine planets of the solar
system.
From: James Veitch
Are we counting Pluto, then? If so, are you sitting down? I have
some news.
From: James Veitch
To: info@royalbs.co.in
Subject: Hi Date: 20 December 10:55
Dear Royal Bank of Scotland*, I’m writing to you about some

money Debbie Whitman is leaving me. She mentioned something
about a free toaster. Can you confirm?
From: © Royal Bank of Scotland ®
To: James Veitch
Please fill in the account opening form. There is no free toaster.
Raj.
Head of costumer care, Royal Bank of Scotland
From: James Veitch
To: © Royal Bank of Scotland ®
Dear Costumer care, are you sure? I heard I was getting a free gift
for opening the account. Also, what sort of costumes do you do?
I’ve always wanted a proper Bananaman one.
To: James Veitch
No Sir, there is no bonaza going on.
From: James Veitch
And there was I thinking you were having a bonanza over there.
Serious question. Have you ever had a bonanza at the bank or am I

barking up the wrong tree?
To: James Veitch
No we had not, and even if we had there will be conditions applied.
James or whatever your name may be, stop playing with us This
bank has every good reason to believe you are a scam, trying to lure
Mrs Debra Whitman into giving you her inheritance
From: James Veitch
“There is no free toaster.”

Then how do you explain this??
To: James Veitch
that do not include Royal bank of Scotland Group Worldwide I’m

sorry you are disappointed not getting a free Toaster.
From: James Veitch
That’s ok. I understand. What can you provide instead of a toaster? I

could do with a new kettle.
To: James Veitch
Sir, please be informed that there is no give away gift of any kind.
This bank have not done bonanza of any kind for a long time. We
will appreciate it if you do not bring up any issue regarding this gift
thing again because you won’t get any.
From: James Veitch
Ok. I shan’t bring it up again. But just to be clear: are you saying
that if I bring it up again I won’t get any and that if I don’t bring it
up again I will? Or are you just saying that I won’t get any at all?
To: James Veitch
Please stop talking of a free toaster.
From: James Veitch
I am so sorry about all this malarkey with the toaster. I shan’t

mention the toaster again. You have my word.
To: James Veitch
What we want from you is to do the right things, and print out the
form, fill it and sign and after filling send us a scanned copy of the
form, and your ID.
From: James Veitch
I’ve done some research and I think the one we should go for is the
DeLonghi 4-slicer in black.
Winnie
From: Winnie Mandela
To: James Veitch
Subject: (no subject) Date: 1 March 21:31
I AM WINNIE MANDELA. I AM THE SECOND WIFE OF

NELSON MANDELA THE FORMER SOUTH AFRICAN
PRESIDENT. HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
I AM IN POSSESSION OF US$45 MILLION DOLLARS. I NEED

TO TRANSFER IT OUT OF THE COUNTRY BECAUSE OF MY
HUSBAND MR NELSON MANDELA’S HEALTH CONDITION.
IF ALSO HAVE A GOOD BUSINESS IDEAS ON ANY

LUCRATIVE INVESTMENTS, I WILL MAKE YOU
INVESTMENTS MANAGER.
ONE LOVE
YOURS TRUELY, MRS WINNIE MADIKIZELA MANDELA

From: James Veitch
To: Winnie Mandela
Subject: Re: (no subject) Date: 3 March 22:20
So sorry to hear of this. Given that Nelson died three months ago I’d
describe his health condition as fairly serious.
Nevertheless, I have some great ideas for investments :)
Tell me a story about Nelson? What did he like for breakfast?
James
To: James Veitch
Nelson is now a history.
We will speak on investing my money afterwards. Kindly comply

with my banker for the transfer to be done smoothly.
From: James Veitch
To: Winnie Mandela
Not Cheerios then? Can you just tell me if it’s Cheerios? I’d like to
eat the same thing as him.
To: James Veitch
The bank needs transfer fee of us$3800 dollars for the transfer to be
made to your account.
From: James Veitch
To: Winnie Mandela
I’m going to assume it’s Cheerios.
To: James Veitch
dont ask me stupid questions.
if you are here for jokes stop further communicating with me here
because i dont have time for this foolishness.
From: James Veitch
To: Winnie Mandela
I don’t like the way you’re talking to me one bit. Is this how you
used to talk to Nelson?
To: James Veitch
Remember i will offer you 25% of the fund
ONE LOVE
From: James Veitch
To: Winnie Mandela
Awesome.
NO WOMAN NO CRY
To: James Veitch
This is 11.3 Million Dollars
ONE LOVE
From: James Veitch
To: Winnie Mandela
Amazing!
I SHOT THE SHERIFF

(But I did not shoot the deputy)
To: James Veitch
And I will make you my investment manager if you have a good

idea for investments
From: James Veitch
To: Winnie Mandela
I would LOVE to be your investments manager. I haven’t done

much of it before but I’ve got some rock-solid ideas I think you’d
love to hear. Many of them involve the chickpea.
To: James Veitch
I am praying that the transaction will be smoothly accomplished.

Please assure me you will not betray me in this transaction.
From: James Veitch
To: Winnie Mandela
Winnie (may I call you that?), I agree. The transaction should be

done smoothly. On that note, I’ve actually been making smoothies
in the mornings – crushing up cashew nuts and almonds and adding
oats and banana etc. – the sort of thing Nelson always liked for
breakfast. They’re so delicious and healthy. Essentially, what I’m
saying, Winnie, is that you and I could do worse than to consider
getting into the smoothie business.
We could call it Winnie & James’s Smoothies.
Also, hummus; it’s going places.

To: James Veitch
But i told you to send me your identifications which you promised

to send today. why haven’t you done so?
From: James Veitch
To: Winnie Mandela
Winnie, there’re loads of things to take care of before I do that. I

want to know more about you. I can’t very well take so much
money off you and become your investment manager without
becoming friends first.
To: James Veitch
do you jump in the air to know more about me when i am known all
over the world. have you not heard of me being the second wife of
my late husband nelson Mandela ?
i told you to send me your photo to help me recognize you during

my visiting you. what is knowing some one better than meeting with
the person one on one ?
From: James Veitch
To: Winnie Mandela
When do you want to meet? I can’t do this weekend, unfortunately.

I’m seeing a show then going dancing. Unless you wanted to come.
What are your thoughts?
To: James Veitch
what do you mean by seeing a show then going dancing ?
From: James Veitch
To: Winnie Mandela
Would you prefer something more low-key like roller-disco? I’ve

literally always wanted to do that.
To: James Veitch
EXPLAIN MORE BETTER TO ME ON WHAT YOU

ACTUALLY IMPLYING HERE: low-key like roller-disco?
From: James Veitch
To: Winnie Mandela
I don’t know, Winnie. I’m playing jazz! Also, marketing idea below.
Thoughts? Just say what you think.
To: James Veitch
i can only visit you when the transfer is completed.

From: James Veitch
To: Winnie Mandela
I’ll make the transfer this evening on my way home. But Winnie, do
you ever feel like we should do something more with our lives? Not
just this ramshackleness and chasing girls.
In the middle of the night do you ever turn the pillow over, feel its
coolness on your cheek and think, ‘it’s the little things’?
To: James Veitch
i am the formal first lady to my late husband nelson Mandela. how

could you be asking me such a foolish queries.
From: James Veitch
To: Winnie Mandela
W, I don’t think this is working out. I can’t find any houses in our
price range. London is so expensive. Moreover, I went to the bank
to see about getting a mortgage and I had a number in my head and
the mortgage guy had another number in his head and, as it turns
out, those were different numbers. His was actually a minus number.
In these situations I often ask myself, ‘what would Nelson do?’ and
the answer is, almost always, move slightly further outside London
for cheaper prices.
You knew him best. Would he consider Aylesbury?

Keith
From: Catherine Hetherington
To: James Veitch
Subject: (no subject) Date: 17 December 17:22
Dear James.
I could not inform anyone about our trip, because it was impromptu.
we had to be in Manila, Philippines for a program. Our journey has
turned sour. we misplaced our wallet, passport and cell phone.
I will be indeed very grateful if i can get a loan of 1,800 Euro from
you. I promise to refund it in full as soon as I return
Catherine
From: James Veitch
To: Catherine Hetherington
Subject: Re: (no subject) Date: 17 December 18:12
Catherine,
Of course I can help you out. What happened? Is everything ok?

How’s Keith doing?
To: James Veitch
James!
Am so glad you replied back….. Let me know if you are heading to

the Western Union outlet now...
From: James Veitch
Of course. Don’t worry. How’s Keith though?

To: James Veitch
James, Keith is Fine please let me know. He’s having a meeting

with the british embassy now to get replacement passports. Please
go to the western union. I owe you A lot…
Catherine
From: James Veitch
Cat, I’ll pop along first thing tomorrow.
I must say though, Keith seems remarkably capable for a Yorkshire

terrier. Last I remember he could roll over and woof for a treat; now
you say he’s taking meetings at the British embassy? What are you
feeding him???
China Jewellery Corporation
From: China Jewellery Corporation
To: James Veitch
Subject: Your registration request received Date: 20 November 17:38
Greetings Dear Candidate,
I found your CV in the Internet, and after reviewing it, we would

like to offer you a Regional Manager position with our recently
formed European department. There is no formal Interview process
for this position and most of communication is done on-line.
Here is the position summary:
Position: Regional Manager

Base Remuneration: 2,950 EUR per month plus bonuses
Available in: UK, Portugal, Denmark
This is a home-based position, which means that you will be

working remotely, online. Let us know when you can start.
Sorry for using Gmail address for communication, the company e-

mail address will be provided in further communications.
Sincerely, Dominic Farnham
HR department
From: James Veitch
To: China Jewellery Corporation
Subject: I’m in! Date: 26 November 15:44
Dominic,
Sorry it took so long to get back to you. For some bizarre reason,
your legitimate job offer ended up in my spam folder!
Great news about my C.V. I’m really glad I slapped that bad boy on
the internet. What sort of job is it? I’m quite handy with a spanner.
I must confess, I like the cut of China Jewellery Corporation’s jib.

Most other ‘companies’ I’ve applied to make you jump through all
sorts of hoops: references, interviews, applications etc. Most even
demand you meet face to face. Ridiculous, right?
Anyway, full disclosure: Denmark is off the cards for me for

obvious reasons.
The salary is quite sufficient but it would be churlish not to haggle.

I’ll take 2985 EUR per month and not a penny less. And I don’t
work Tuesdays for obvious reasons. Are we agreed?
Yours, James Veitch

Regional Manager CHINA JEWELLERY CORPORATION
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: I’m in! Date: 27 November 11:57

James
We will be transferring money into your bank account. Your main

job will be withdrawing the funds from your bank and transferring
them using Western Union.
Best Regards, Dominic Farnham

HR Coordinator
From: James Veitch
Subject: Your newest employee! Date: 27 November 16:11
Dominic,
This sounds like a great position!
I’m currently between jobs right now so I think I can make it work.
One thing: I don’t work Wednesdays for obvious reasons.
Best Regards, James Veitch

Regional Manager CHINA JEWELLERY CORPORATION
P.S. Does it matter that I have a criminal record?

To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Your newest employee! Date: 27 November 16:12
Your crime was what
From: James Veitch
Embezzlement from a jewellery firm.
To: James Veitch
Not matter
From: James Veitch
Excellent! All in the past anyway*.
This sounds like the sort of gig I can really get my teeth into. On
that note, question: do you provide any form of dental insurance?
Jim
*fairly recently
To: James Veitch
No, unfortunately we don’t provide dental insurance.

From: James Veitch
Subject: Secretary Date: 27 November 17:29
Not a dealbreaker. I’ll just have to brush more :)
I’ll obviously need a secretary. Is it ok if we hire my sister, Louise?

She’s a hard worker.
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Secretary Date: 28 November 14:17
You can hire any body you want to be your secretary at your own
expense.
From: James Veitch
Good to know, Dom. I’ve gone ahead and hired Louise. She wants
to know whether there’s a dental plan. I told her there wasn’t one
but can you please just reiterate to me that there is no dental plan?
Louise: ‘I can’t believe there’s no dental plan.’
To: James Veitch
THERE IS NO DENTAL
From: James Veitch
Gotcha. Thing is, Dom, Louise is actually quite hard to work with.
We may have made a mistake hiring her in the first place.
I’ll keep you posted.
JV
To: James Veitch
You must send us your ID proving your identity, preferably a copy

of valid Passport or DL. We require this for background check.
Sincerely, Dominic Farnham

From: James Veitch
Subject: A few minor concerns Date: 30 November 15:16
Domanac,
This whole Louise thing isn’t working out. She takes a two-hour
lunch break and, frankly, I can’t stand staring at her crooked teeth
all day.
If only we had supplied dental. Is it ok to give her the boot? I’m

going to hire my friend Thelma instead. She has nicer teeth and is,
on the whole, more reliable.
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: A few minor concerns Date: 30 November 15:20
Mr Veitch,
You can hire any one you want but you must send us your passport
before we can pay your salary. Please be serious with us.
From: James Veitch
Subject: Not good news Date: 1 December 11:40
Bad news, Domonoc. Louise has gone on strike over the lack of
dental and Thema’s useless.
I asked her to make a scan of my passport and send it to you a few

days ago and I’m nearly 100% certain she didn’t do it. I’m thinking
of forgetting about this whole secretary business altogether.
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Not good news Date: 1 December 11:45
We have not received passport. Please be serious with us.

We have many other candidates for the position at CHINA
JEWELLERY CORPORATION. You must do as we say.
From: James Veitch
Subject: Resignation Date: 3 December 17:34
We’re in bad shape here, Dom.
We needed some fresh blood so I hired Nigel as the new secretary.

But this really pissed off Thelma and Louise who began picketing
the offices over the absence of dental insurance. Now they’ve gone
off on some sort of crazy road trip.
I hereby tender my resignation. It’s been a blast. Nigel’s doing his

best but he’s only 12 years old so he finds it a bit overwhelming.
James Veitch
Former Regional Manager
CHINA JEWELLERY CORPORATION
Hong Kong
From: Cho Mak
To: James Veitch
Subject: Mrs. Cho Mak Date: 5 January 12:04
I am Mrs. Cho Mak, a staff of Dahsong Bank Hong Kong. I would

like to intimate you with certain facts that I believe would be of
interest to you.
From: James Veitch
To: Cho Mak
Subject: Re: Mrs. Cho Mak Date: 5 January 13:01
Intimate away!
From: Cho Mak
To: James Veitch
Thank you for giving me your time, Let me start by introducing

myself, I am Mrs. Cho Mak, a staff of Dahsong Bank Hong Kong.
A client deposited 13.9 million dollars in an account at the Dahsong

bank. I was the officer assigned to his case; a few months later he
was apparently dead and he listed no next of kin.
My proposal; I will nominate you as the next of kin and have them
release the deposit to you. Upon receipt of the deposit, we share the
proceeds 50/50.
Yours Sincerely, Mrs. Cho Mak.
From: James Veitch
To: Cho Mak
Intimate no more. I am your man.
But Cho (may I call you Cho?), how can I pass for your client?
What’s his name?
Question. Will I need to grow a moustache?

From: Cho Mak
To: James Veitch
Call me Cho. I am very glad to note that you are a noble, matured,
and trustworthy person. I will do everything legally required to
ensure that the project goes smoothly.
You do not need to grow a moustache.
Mrs. Cho Mak.
From: James Veitch
To: Cho Mak
I’m going to try and grow one anyway. One can never be too
careful, Cho.
Meanwhile, do you think I should come to Hong Kong? How long

does the transaction last? Will I have time to take in some of the
sights? If so, what do you recommend? Bear in mind I get bored
really easily.
From: Cho Mak
To: James Veitch
Dear James Veitch,
Coming to hong kong is not the problem, but first this task must be
completed before planing to come to hong kong, and when this task
is completed i will be glad to welcome you to hong kong. Please do
you know that this is a laudable transaction we are into,
From: James Veitch
To: Cho Mak
Cho, I’ve looked at tickets and they’re pretty pricey. Cheeky

question, but could I stay with you so I don’t have to get a hotel?
Happy with sofa.
From: Cho Mak
To: James Veitch
There is no need to come to Hong Kong. i do not mean you should

come and see me I was expecting to receive a scan copy of your
identity
From: James Veitch
To: Cho Mak
I’m not terribly good at computers, so I’ve been having some

difficulty getting you a scanned copy of my ID. But I bought a
laudable scanner on the internet and it should arrive soon.
The good news is that I’m pretty much packed. Can you confirm
that they have KitKats over there? I’m partial to them and if they
don’t, I’m going to have to bring my own.
From: Cho Mak
To: James Veitch
Dear James Veitch,
Thank you for your prompt response, you are free to bring
whatsoever you want to bring, there are kit kats,
Please can you send me all the information on your international

passport or drivers license. You do not have to travel to anywhere
for any reason. I shall await for your Update.
From: James Veitch
To: Cho Mak
Wonderful news about the KitKats. Here is my info as requested:
Name: Alastair James Bruce Veitch

Sex: Not for a while
Date of Birth: 01/04/1980
Nationality: British
From: Cho Mak
To: James Veitch
Dear James Veitch,
I have got your information, and I will be sending them all to the
lawyer. I will further update you later on the bank where you are to
open a new bank account in your name
From: James Veitch
To: Cho Mak
One can never have enough bank accounts – that’s what I say. I just
wanted to check that it’s still ok to stay at yours? Just FYI I’ll be
bringing three small dogs.
From: Cho Mak
To: James Veitch
PLEASE DO NOT COME TO HONG KONG

From: James Veitch
To: Cho Mak
Subject: Big news! Date: 16 January 17:05
I’m here! In Hong Kong! Arrived today and having the time of my
life. Wow, it’s big here! Where’s the best place to meet?
Got to go; I thought this was an internet café but it’s just someone’s
house.
Excited!
From: James Veitch
To: Cho Mak
Subject: Small problem Date: 17 January 09:31
Having some difficulty finding you. It transpires that Cho isn’t as

uncommon a name as I believed it to be. I’m going to pop into the
Dahsong Bank HQ and see if they can page you.
Sayonara!!!!
From: Cho Mak
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Small problem Date: 17 January 11:42
I am not in HongKong. I have travelled for the western part of the

world as part of my bank work I will not be there for two weeks. I
told you not to come to Hong Kong. And you have not contacted the
bank.. James Veitch why are you herre?
From: James Veitch
To: Cho Mak
Must have just missed you!
Should I wait? I’ve made a load of friends so I could probably hold

out for a while until you’re back from the western part of the world.
From: Cho Mak
To: James Veitch
Do not wait for me. i have spent thousands of hong kong dollars on
this transaction. Please try as much as you can to set up this account
as soon as possible, so we could finalise this this week:
Mr. Charles Frankfort / csu@i-santander.co.uk

General Director of Operations, i-Santander Bank
From: James Veitch
To: Cho Mak i-Santander Bank
Subject: Phew! Date: 22 January 11:38
Back now. Exhausted. But thanks for the info; so glad to be opening
an account with good old i-Santander. I’ll get in touch with them
right now.
From: James Veitch
To: i-Santander Bank
Subject: Bank account Date: 25 January 11:40
Dear i-Santander,
I’d love to open an account, please. I’m going to be investing a

considerable sum very soon.
From: i-Santander Bank
To: James Veitch
Subject: Internal Office Memo Date: 26 January 06:37
WELCOME TO I-SANTANDER BANK 24/7 ONLINE SERVICE
Internal Office Memo
Dear Customer,
Sequel to your correspondence please endeavor to state clearly the
exact type of account you desire
1. Savings Plus Reserve Account:
Account features; *Requires Account Opening/Setup Deposit of 650.00
Great British ponds (GBP) *24/7 Online Banking Direct Access
*Maximum transfer: 1,000,000.00 GBP monthly.
2. Current Plus Reserve Account:

Account features; *Requires Account Opening/Setup Deposit of 1,600.00
*Maximum transfer: 2,000,000.00 GBP monthly.
3. Advantage Gold Reserve Account:

*Maximum transfer: 3,000,000.00 monthly.
4. Diamond Reserve Account:

Great British ponds (GBP) *24/7 Online Banking Direct Access *No maximum
transfer limits. (This means you can Transfer Any Possible Amount at Once)
From: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Internal Office Memo Date: 29 January 11:43

Great to hear from you. I don’t ask much in a bank, but I do view
the sharing of internal office memos with customers as an absolute
prerequisite.
Anyway, sequel to that, I’d like to go for the Savings Plus Reserve
Account. Pond for Pond, it seems like the best bang for my buck.
To: James Veitch
Subject: Internal Office Memo Date: 30 January 08:47

Congratulations on choosing the Savings Plus Reserve Account!
Please make the payment of £650 required for the activation of your
Savings Plus Reserve Account
Mr. Charles Frankfort

From: James Veitch
Subject: Re: Internal Office Memo Date: 2 February 13:48
I’ve changed my mind. I’d like to go with the Current Plus

Reserve Account. The 1 million GBP limit of the Savings Plus
Reserve Account is a real bottleneck for me.
Can we commence this as soon as possible, please? I don’t have

much days here on Earth.
To: James Veitch
Subject: Internal Office Memo Date: 3 February 07:14

Congratulations on choosing the Current Plus Reserve Account!
Please make the payment of £1600 required for the activation of
your Current Plus Reserve Account
From: James Veitch
Charles, I’ve been doing some serious thinking and the Current
Plus isn’t going to cut the mustard. May I please have the
Advantage Gold Reserve Account?
How many great british ponds do I need to send you as the opening
balance? My last bank gave me a free toaster when I applied. Will
you be doing the same?
To: James Veitch

Congratulations on choosing the Advantage Gold Reserve Account!
Please make the payment of £3800 required for the activation of
your Advantage Gold Reserve Account
From: James Veitch
Final decision. Diamond Reserve Account. (Sorry)
To: James Veitch

Congratulations Please immediately pay £5200 required for the
activation of your Diamond Reserve Account
From: James Veitch
Chaz, you think I should have stuck with the Current Plus Reserve
Account, don’t you? Be honest. I think I need another internal office
memo.
To: James Veitch
Dear Customer,
Sequel to our last correspondence, to complete your application,

please kindly fill and return to us the online application form send to
you previously.
Please send the account activation deposit fee of 5,200.00 GBP.
We Remain, Mr. Charles Frankfort

( General Director of operations)
From: James Veitch
Charles,
How high do the tiers really go? Don’t mess with me here. If there’s
something higher than the Diamond Reserve Account, then I want
to know about it. Ideally it’d be a Current Advantage Plus
Diamond Reserve. But I’d settle for a Current Plus Diamond. I
really think you’re restricting yourself with just these four tiers. Is
there someone I can speak to about this?
To: James Veitch
These are the account features. Please remit the opening charges.
Diamond Reserve Account:

Account features; *Requires Account Opening/Setup Deposit of
6,500.00 Great British ponds(GBP) *24/7 Online Banking Direct
Access*7% *No maximum transfer limits. (This means you can
Transfer Any Possible Amount at Once).
From: James Veitch
What is no maximum transfer limits? Could I transfer £400?
To: James Veitch
Yes and more. You can Transfer Any Possible Amount at Once
From: James Veitch
Wow. Could I transfer £100 immediately after the initial £400?

To: James Veitch
Yes any amount with the diamond reserve. Please transfer the fee.
From: James Veitch
Shut up! Let me get this straight. I can transfer any amount?
To: James Veitch
This is true.
From: James Veitch
Could I transfer nine and a half pennies?
To: James Veitch
Yes, is possible with the diamond reserve account.
From: James Veitch
How about 5 million fifty pence pieces? Could I transfer that?

To: James Veitch
YOU CAN TRANSFER ANY AMOUNT
From: James Veitch
Ok. And 24/7 online banking. This sounds useful. What is it?
To: James Veitch
You can access online banking all day and night

From: James Veitch
All day and all night??
To: James Veitch
Yes.
From: James Veitch
I can check my bank account at 3am?

To: James Veitch
yes.
From: James Veitch
Impossible! How about at 3:04am almost directly after checking at

3am?
To: James Veitch
Go away
From: James Veitch
Sold!
The Meta-Scam
From: Henry McLurkin
To: James Veitch
Subject: COMPENSATION Date: 25 September 15:10
BRITISH HIGH COMMISSION

Henrygote House,
Aguyi Ironsi Street,
Maitama District Lagos, Nigeria.
Dear Scam Victim.
I am Henry McLurkin am a legal practitioner and human rights

activist. It was brought to our notice that some people here engage
themselves in email scams, hereby extorting money from innocent
people online in pretense of Winnings and so on.Your name was
among those scammed as listed by the Nigeria Financial Intelligent
Unit. Your compensation is Three Million United States Dollars. I
know this may sound strange and unbelievable to you but it is true.
From: James Veitch
To: Henry McLurkin
Subject: Re: COMPENSATION Date: 25 September 17:28
Henry, you’re 100% right. I was a scam victim. I ended up sending

money to people all over the place and nothing ended up coming of
it. We never made an investment and, as I predicted, hummus sky-
rocketed circa 2011. Question. Is there any way we can hunt down
these rascals? I’m willing to travel.
It does sound strange and unbelievable, you’re right, but then again,
so did Tamagotchis and they were a goer.
so did Tamagotchis and they were a goer.
To: James Veitch
Dear Scam Victim, Please forward your telephone number, address

and other relevant information for comparison with the information
we have here to enable us release your fund immediately without
delay. Be advised that you should stop further contacts with all the
fake lawyers and security companies who in collaboration scammed
you.
Henry McLurkin
Legal Practitioner
From: James Veitch
To: Henry McLurkin
I’m SO sick of all those fake lawyers, Henry. Telephone: (020) 7774
1000 Address: 16 Ringdonut St, W1 42SFGS
But oh, Henry! First there was my friend Alex and then Godwin and
then Mary and Gary and then, well, I can’t remember them all but
Elena was the latest. Elena was wonderful, Henry; wonderful in a
way I can’t describe (mostly because we’d never met). But she had
that insouciance and selfless disarming charm that we’re all after,
aren’t we Henry?
Anyway, you know they say ‘’tis better to have loved and lost than
never to have loved at all’? Well, whoever said that had clearly not
met Elena either. Because it’s killing me. I spend whole days in my
room listening to 10cc’s I’m Not in Love and that Feist song Secret
Heart which is actually better than the original.
I digress. Send me the 3 million. It will be easier to forget her if I

have a few houses.
James
To: James Veitch
I called the number you gave me few minutes ago but the lady on
the phone could not understand me.
From: James Veitch
To: Henry McLurkin
Why could she not understand you? Project!

Sent from my iPhone 4
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: COMPENSATION Date: 1 October 18:15
James, I have called you several times and I always get a woman on
the phone. What is delaying you? You are required to pay a
precessing and documentation fee of $390 through Paypal to
Jeremiah Williams.
From: James Veitch
To: Henry McLurkin
Great. Who’s Jeremiah though?

To: James Veitch
That is my name,
From: James Veitch
To: Henry McLurkin
But who’s Henry McLurkin then?

Sent from my Motorola Razor
To: James Veitch
I uses thia eamil for my work ok
From: James Veitch
To: Henry McLurkin
I see what you mean, Jeremiah. It’s always best to use a completely
different identity for work.
How quickly does this PayPal thing work?

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy S4
To: James Veitch
I called the number you gave me today and the woman said there is
nobody like James Veitch.
From: James Veitch
To: Henry McLurkin
Are you sure you are phoning the right number?

To: James Veitch
She said it was the switchboard of Goldman Sachs bank.
From: James Veitch
To: Henry McLurkin
That’s the one!

Sent from my Nokia 5210
To: James Veitch
She said she has checked around and there is no such person there.
From: James Veitch
To: Henry McLurkin
How odd because I 100% definitely work there. That’s not the sort
of thing you make a mistake about. I will have one of my assistants
look into this. Are you pronouncing my name right? It’s a silent H,
T and V.
Sent from my Gameboy Advance
To: James Veitch
It will interest you to know that nobody is persuading or forcing you

to claim your fund.
If you want the fund you must send the documentation fee of $390
through Paypal to Jeremiah Williams.
From: James Veitch
To: Henry McLurkin
How quickly does this PayPal thing work?
To: James Veitch
Is very easy and fast paye online You can log on at

www.paypal.com and get your account is very easy to create and
safe ok.
From: James Veitch
To: Henry McLurkin
It just says this when I try to email: ‘The following address is not
valid: “www.paypal.com”’
To: James Veitch
It is not email address is an website ok. Website is diffrent from

email address just register with them ok
From: James Veitch
To: Henry McLurkin
Just so you know, you’re blowing my mind right now. It’s asking me
all sorts of questions like what my mother’s maiden name is and I
don’t know it. Is it ok to call her, do you think?
To: James Veitch
Just put one ok.
From: James Veitch
To: Henry McLurkin
But ‘One’ wasn’t her maiden name. Or was it? It could have been
actually. It would be really weird if you’d just guessed her last
name. Have you ever done this sort of thing before? How many
fingers am I holding up right now?
To: James Veitch
Don’t know?
From: James Veitch
To: Henry McLurkin
I wasn’t holding any up! I was typing! Which is why you didn’t
know. You have THE GIFT, Jeremiah. But will you use it for good
or ill?
From: James Veitch
To: Henry McLurkin
Have you ever felt like you knew what someone is about to say
before they...
To: James Veitch
What
From: James Veitch
To: Henry McLurkin
Exactly. ‘Have you ever felt like you knew what someone is about
to say before they What.’
To: James Veitch
Live me alone go away fuck off man you are just wasting my time
From: James Veitch
To: Henry McLurkin
What? I finally register for PayPal and this is how you treat me?
To: James Veitch
Okay let me have the email use to register wth them?
From: James Veitch
To: Henry McLurkin
ronaldmcdonald@bingbong.co.uk
To: James Veitch
You are sick
From: James Veitch
To: Henry McLurkin
You might be right tbh. Remember when you phoned Goldman

Sachs and the switchboard operator hadn’t heard of me and I said
that I definitely work there and followed up with ‘that’s not the sort
of thing you make a mistake about’. Well, as it turns out, Henry, I
was mistaken about it!
I did wonder why I hadn’t been paid a salary in the 14 years I’d
worked there. I was very close to making a formal complaint.
In light of this news, as you can imagine, I’ve had to make a number
of small changes to my lifestyle. One of them is that I can no longer
send money to people I’ve met on the internet. Even if they are legal
practitioners.
James Veitch
Coda
From: James Veitch
Subject: (no subject) Date: 30 January 17:44
Solomon, I expect you’ve sussed out that I’ve known from the start
that you’re a scammer. And you know that I know that you know.
So I was wondering whether you’d be willing to do an interview
with me about what it’s like to be a scammer?
To: James Veitch
Subject: Re: (no subject) Date: 30 January 22:13
i cannot believe i have been wasting my precious airtime with a mad

man like you. What a waste is this?
You are a total disgrace to manhood.
Go fuck yourself..
fuck you asshole.

Acknowledgements
For Ma, Alan & Hannah

I’m grateful to a ton of people who’ve made this happen. So, thanks (in the
order people come to mind – make of that what you will) to David Pogue
for finding it funny enough for the New York Times, Catherine Hetherington
for reading and re-reading and re-reading and still laughing, Jo Hayes for
being a lovely and talented agent, Rachael Chadwick who inspired me and
turned me on to Jo in the first place, Jane Sturrock for Monmouth coffee
and solid advice, Carrie Kania for being so generous with her time, Charley
Elliott and Max Shapira for the title, the French House, ramen and
friendship, Gemma Corby because I miss her, Juliet Mushens and Sarah
Manning for their support and help, Rebecca Soboti, Annabelle Berizzi,
Claudia Laing, Lucia Brizzi, Fran Bushe and Lynsey-Anne Moffat for
boundless enthusiasm, Christina Wilkins and Eleanor Rosenberg for pitch-
perfect advice, Tom Lamont for laughter, encouragement, advice and
believing in it and me, Harry Hill for his generosity and support, Ed
Griffiths and Lucinda Nicholson for being amazing, Joel Parsons for being
insanely great, Robert Forknall for being marooned and Hannah Boyde for
letting me know. Alex Kern, of course, whose hacked email account
inadvertently began everything. Thanks to Matt Lamont for being there at
gigs and breakfast chats. Thanks to Matt Harvey for taking me on and being
an exceptional agent, Paul Baker for the same, Karen Koren for taking a
chance, Charley Base for just being fucking fantastic, Winnie Mandela for
stirring it up, Carla and Sofia Oddy for their art, my father for his support
and encouragement, Adam Barnard for suggesting I go to print, Patrick
Cadell for finding my best light, and whoever mans the switchboard at
Goldman Sachs for enduring God knows what. Big, massive thanks are due
to the wonderful Céline Hughes at Quadrille who has been a superb partner
in crime throughout this venture; I couldn’t have asked for a more dedicated
editor. And, indeed, thanks to everyone at Quadrille for working so hard to
make this happen. Thanks to Nikki Ellis for laying out the whole thing,
creating icons, pictures and generally, being patient when I made ridiculous
requests. Thanks to CB for having made my heart beat a little faster. Thanks
to Jim Nolan for being a massive part of the endeavour and the kindest
person I’ve ever met. Finally, thank you Solomon. Corresponding with you
was a treat.
Publishing Director: Sarah Lavelle
Creative Director: Helen Lewis
Senior Editor: Céline Hughes
Designer: Nicola Ellis
Production: Emily Noto and Vincent Smith
First published in 2015 by Quadrille Publishing
Quadrille is an imprint of Hardie Grant www.hardiegrant.com.au
Quadrille Publishing
Pentagon House
52–54 Southwark Street
London SE1 1UN
www.quadrille.co.uk
Text © 2015 James Veitch

Design and layout © 2015 Quadrille Publishing
Picture credits
Inside back cover photograph © Patrick Cadell
Pages 14, 35, 51 inset, 52 inset, 53 inset, 58, 61, 111, 121 artwork by James Veitch; pages 49, 50, 51,
52, 53, 54, 114 images emailed to James Veitch; page 113 © Steve McCabe; page 114 inset © David
Turnley/Corbis
All exchanges set out in the book are genuine correspondence. The names of the scammers have been
altered and any resemblance to real persons or companies is unintended and purely coincidental.
Some of the exchanges have also been edited and/or abridged. Where the scammers have posed as
well known individuals or as employees or customers of real companies, the names have not been
altered. This is for the purpose of exposing the methods by which the scammers operate. The
publisher apologises for any offence caused to real persons or companies wrongly implicated in the
scams.
The rights of the author have been asserted. All rights reserved. No part of this book shall be
reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means – electronic, mechanical,
photocopying, recording, or otherwise – without written permission from the publisher.
Cataloguing in Publication Data: a catalogue record for this book is available from the British
Library.
ISBN: 978-1-84949-735-0
*Elena is dangling in front of me everything she thinks I want. Which
makes me wonder whether I can return the favour. Who does Elena want?
What’s her ideal mark?
*Godwin has sent me a phoney PayPal payment. The PayPal email looks
legit until you look at the domain it’s been sent from (top left) –
@mail2online.com, which is definitely not PayPal.com. Godwin is betting
on me not checking my PayPal account before I ship the phone. Which
explains the urgency…
*In 1996, someone wrote a tiny piece of software to generate (and then
email) random, meaningless sentences. It’s been running ever since.
*These guys are masquerading as the Royal Bank of Scotland. What I love
is that their email address is info@royalBS

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Contents

I pecked out a reply.

‘What??????… Alex, but how on earth did this happen?’

And the game was afoot.

To: James Veitch

Subject: Hi Date: 15 December 08:19

From: James Veitch

Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 09:56

To: James Veitch

Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 10:33

From: James Veitch

Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 15:54

To: James Veitch

Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 15:59

From: James Veitch

Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 16:00

To: James Veitch

Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 16:05

From: James Veitch

Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 16:08

To: James Veitch

Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 16:48

Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 16:53

To: James Veitch

Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 18:12

Thanks and waiting to hear from you soon

Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 18:16

To: James Veitch

Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 18:24

From: James Veitch

Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 18:31

But do you love me???

To: James Veitch

Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 18:43

From: James Veitch

Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 21:07

To: James Veitch

Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 21:09

From: James Veitch

Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 21:12

And the poem?

To: James Veitch

Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 21:30

Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 22:31

I’m not doing anything until I get a poem!

To: James Veitch

Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 22:58

From: James Veitch

Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 23:06

We’ll always have Tuscany.

To: James Veitch

Subject: (no subject) Date: 15 October 13:34

From: James Veitch

To: Solomon Oddonkoh

Subject: Re: (no subject) Date: 15 October 19:54

Your email intrigues me.

To: James Veitch

Subject: Re: (no subject) Date: 16 October 06:02

Hello James Veitch,