POST-ITS

(NOTES ON A MARRIAGE)
Cast of Characters
ACTOR
ACTRESS

Author’s Note
If each Post-it is attached to another Post-it on the back (upsidedown) they
will stick together as one Post-it, no longer sticky when handled.

Acknowledgments
Post-Its (Notes on a Marriage) premiered at a benefit performance for the
Gilda Radner Cancer Fund in 1998 with the following cast:

ACTOR ...............................................................Paul Dooley

ACTRESS......................................................Winnie Holzman
POST-ITS
(NOTES ON A MARRIAGE)
by Paul Dooley and Winnie Holzman

(There is a chair with a small table and a glass of water on either side
of the stage a la A.R. Gurney’s “Love Letters.” The ACTOR and
ACTRESS enter simultaneously from either wing somewhat formally.

They are dressed simply. Each grasps a handful of post-its as

if it were a script. Each of them stands beside a chair. The ACTOR
realizes that the ACTRESS is waiting for something. Slightly annoyed, he goes
to her, pulls out her chair, and seats her. He returns to his chair, stands waiting;
she realizes he is waiting to be seated also. Long-suffering, she goes to him
and repeats the chair business. She then returns to her chair and sits. The
ACTOR lifts his first post-it, to begin…and reads.)

(Every line is read from a post-it—held aloft.)

ACTOR. Had an early meeting, couldn’t bear to wake you. Close front door
hard or it won’t lock. PS: Last night was incredible.

ACTRESS. Helped myself to breakfast. You need milk. PS: Next time, wake me.

ACTOR. Hey, sleepy head. Tried to wake you. Not easy. Left you some coffee,
hope you like it black.

ACTRESS. Thought I should spend at least one night this week at my place.
Picked up some milk; you don’t have to pay me back.

ACTOR. Off to work, extra set of keys on hall table.

ACTRESS. Darling: Went jogging with Lila. If you go out, we need milk. Wow. I
can’t believe we’re a “we!”

ACTOR. Hon: If you have time, could you pick up my shirts?

Ticket on hall table. Thanks. PS: Milk.

ACTRESS. Shirts are in your closet. Your mother called. She

seemed surprised to hear my voice. You obviously never mentioned me.
(Icy:) Your shirts came to fourteen fifty.

ACTOR. Gone to florist. Back soon. Hope you liked the chocolates.

ACTRESS. Darling— don’t go in the den.

ACTOR. Sweetheart. I understand how much it means to you, but at this stage
of our relationship I’m just not ready…to have a dog.

ACTRESS. (After a beat:) We need Milk-Bones. (Next post-it:) Your mother

called; call her. (Next post-it:) Did you call your mother? (Next post-it:) Went
to lunch with your mother. Back soon.

ACTOR. Your new best friend, my mother, called. Call her.

ACTRESS. We need milk. Also, your mom mentioned how much you hate
Eugene. I don’t think Eugene’s so bad. You should hear my middle name.
Thank God my mother’s dead!

ACTOR. Please do not mention the name Eugene to me ever again. Thank
you.
ACTRESS. Shopping list: Pistachio ice cream. Sardines. Those tiny little cheeses
that come in that cute little net bag…they’re so adorable, they make me cry.

ACTOR. Darling: I understand how much it means to you, but at this stage of
our relationship I’m just not ready—

ACTRESS. We need pampers. And baby wipes. And we need to get married.

ACTOR. Meet me City Hall, six sharp. You bring old and borrowed; I’ll do new
and blue. Mom will stay with Eugenia.

ACTRESS. Note to self: Find breast pump.

ACTOR. Take cold shower.

ACTRESS. Lose forty pounds.

ACTOR. Re-direct sex drive into career. (Next post-it:) Home late. Don’t wait
up.

ACTRESS. Hey stranger, if you’re not too busy, could you call
Eugenia tonight, around bedtime? Just to see if she recognizes your voice?

ACTOR. Hon: Sorry about your birthday. PS: I got the raise!

ACTRESS. To the new vice president in charge of marketing. We need milk.

Please advise.

ACTOR. Hon: I think we’re out of milk. (Next post-it:) Still no milk!

ACTRESS. If you want it so bad, get it yourself. The milk train

doesn’t stop here anymore.
ACTOR. If you can’t even manage to get to the store—get some
household help!

ACTRESS. (Icy:) Have gone to bed. Dinner is in fridge. If there is something in

particular you wish for dinner tomorrow night, please leave note to that
effect, and I will have Ursula, or Carla, or Jose, if it’s heavy, pick it up. (Beat.) I
can’t take this anymore! We barely—(Turns post-it over.)—communicate!
There’s got to be more to this marriage than a few hastily scribbled words on
a small square of pastel paper! (Beat.) By the way, we’re out of post-its.

ACTOR. You think I want to spend every night at the office? You have
absolutely no concept of how a business is run.

ACTRESS. To Whom It May Concern: Regarding your post-it of June the tenth,
allow me to clarify my position—up yours. Eugenia and I will be at your
mother’s. PS: You need milk.
(The ACTOR glances over at the ACTRESS, she sips her water,
coolly avoids his gaze. Finally—)

ACTOR. Call her at my mother’s. (Next post-it:) Must call her. (Next post-it:)
Reminder: Take out garbage. Call her. (Next post-it:) People to call: Her.

(The ACTOR looks over again at the ACTRESS. She continues to

ignore him.)

ACTOR. Shopping list: Small loaf bread. Half pint milk. Soup for one. (Next
post-it:) Scotch for one. (Next post-it:) Inflatable doll. (Next post-it:) Scotch for
two.

(The ACTRESS looks at him. He catches her eye. Caught, she hastily
looks away.)

ACTOR. Things to tell her. That I’m sorry. That I miss her. That all I want—all I
ever wanted—is for her to be happy.

(The ACTRESS turns to him, touched by this. Then…takes the next

post-it. Reads.)

ACTRESS. We need milk.

ACTOR. Dearest—have gone down to the end of the driveway to get the
paper. Back soon.

ACTRESS. Honey, that therapist called back. He can see you Monday.

ACTOR. Sweetie—Your therapist says your Tuesday is now Friday.

ACTRESS. What a session! Dr. K. believes that part of me is locked in
unconscious competition with you, and envious of your masculine role. By the
way, we need cucumbers, sausages and a really big zucchini.

ACTOR. At last—a breakthrough today with Dr. G. It all became crystal clear.
My mother. My father. His mother. You. Your mother. (Turns post-it over,
continues:) I see our entire marriage in a new light! I must free myself from the
past so we can truly have a future. This changes everything.

ACTRESS. Hon: A diet coke exploded all over that note you left. Hope it
wasn’t important. (He stares at her. Oblivious to his reaction, she reads the
next postit.)Took Eugenia to Brownies. Back soon.

ACTOR. Took Eugenia to kick-boxing. Back soon.

ACTRESS. Took Eugenia to therapy. Could be a while.

ACTOR. Someone named Olaf called. Needs your resume. What resume?

ACTRESS. I landed the job! I start Monday! (Next post-it:) Last

minute meeting. I’ll try to call. (Next post-it:) I’ll be working late, don’t wait up.
(Next post-it:) I’m glad you waited. Last night was incredible.

ACTOR. Drove Eugenia to DMV. Hope she doesn’t drive me home.

ACTRESS. Eugenia called. Loves college. Mentioned someone

named Tyrone. Doesn’t miss us at all.

ACTOR. Pick up travel brochures.

ACTRESS. Eugenia called. When can we meet Tyrone?

ACTOR. Schedule trip to campus when we get back.

ACTRESS. Sweetheart: Travel agent called. Cruise is confirmed! The

honeymoon we never had! A time for us to leave all this behind and enjoy
ten glorious days of total togetherness. (A long, silent beat. Very long. Very
silent. They both look straight ahead. Finally, he lifts the next post-it…)

ACTOR. (With great relief:) God it’s good to be home! (Next post-it:) Dinner
Wednesday with Eugenia and what’s his name.

ACTRESS. Tyrone called—it’s a boy. Kareem Eugene.

ACTOR. Eugenia called. Loves being a mom.

ACTRESS. Off to throw pots! Back soon! (Next post-it:) Don’t forget—we’re
bird-watching Thursday! (Next post-it:) What night is good for square-
dancing?

ACTOR. Any night you want—we’re free! Nothing to tie us down.

ACTOR. Eugenia called. Could we take Kareem for the weekend.

ACTRESS. Tyrone called. Could we take Kareem for spring break.

ACTOR. Kareem called. Could he spend the summer with us.

Again. (Next post-it:) Took Kareem to DMV.

ACTRESS. Honey—last night was incredible. I couldn’t believe

how long it went on. You’ve got to do something about your snoring.

ACTOR. Shopping list: Ben Gay. Dentucreme. Viagra.

ACTRESS. Wrinkles Away. I-Can’t-Believe-It’s-Support-Hose. Estrogen in a Drum.

ACTOR. We need milk of magnesia.

ACTRESS. Call Medicare

ACTOR. Hon: you left your keys in the door again?

ACTRESS. Do you have my keys?

ACTOR. I can’t find my glasses.

ACTRESS. Have you seen my Cain?

ACTOR. How can I see your Cain if I can’t see my own glasses!

ACTRESS. Gone for walk!

ACTOR. Where are you? Next time you go out leave me a note!

ACTRESS. Sweetheart, dinner in oven, taking nap. Love you!

(Lights fade on ACTRESS)

ACTOR. Called Emily, also cousin Ruby. Send note to Farther McKay, There
service was lovely, everyone said so. (Next post-it:) Thank everyone who sent
flowers.
ACTOR. I was looking through your things, for that locket you said Eugenia
should have, could hardly believe what I found, you had saved every post it, I
had ever wrote you. I wish I had saved yours. I could be reading them right
now. (Next post-it:)Back soon, going to the store we need milk.

(LIGHTS OUT)

END.