Dear Dad

Dear Dad,
Every day I watch movies, TV shows, and yes even in real life, fathers always there for their children,
never wanting to let them down. I watch them take their daughters and sons to school, teach them how
to tie their shoes, play basketball with their sons, help their children study, be there for them; not only
as a mentor through this wicked cold world but as a friend we will never find anywhere else but within
you. What I think breaks my heart the most is you never were, and never will be, that person for me.
When I was little, I always stood up for you, even if everyone else knew you were in the wrong as a
father. As a child all we want from our parents is love. Growing up and really starting to connect and
understand the world around me, I began to see that there is so much more to being a parent then love.
Yes, love is very important, but as a father, you not only love, you tough love, you teach, you don't leave
when things get hard and return when it doesn't involve your wallet. You stay and you love your
children and you do everything you can for them or you learn how to use a condom.
My whole life I watched you let me down as I stood in the shadows letting you. I watched you not pay
child support, not buy birthday gifts or Christmas presents. I watched you disappear from me, and leave
me and return to my life normally; like you were not in the wrong and like everything was okay. I
watched you hurt me and think you had the right not to apologize to me. I watched you do this and I let
you.
As I got older I learned that parent or not, I couldn't let you do this to me, but every time I'd explain to
you how I felt, it was my fault, it was a teaching lesson that people were always going to let me down, I
was a cry baby who needed to grow up, I didn't understand that you were "trying", I didn't understand
your past life and wasn't giving you a break, I was holding on to grudges, I needed to be the one to make
a step if I wanted to have a relationship with you, my fault, I am in the wrong, you are always right, it's
me, it's them...
It's not you.

As a child, you didn't have it good. You'd tell my siblings and me stories that compare to ours. You've
been hurt, but it isn't about you anymore it's about wanting better for your kids, something you never
did for us. When becoming a parent, the main focus in your life is your kids. It's all about getting them
ready for the world, teaching them right from wrong, and helping find who they are, and where they fit
in this world.
I am now 20 years old. For 20 years now I've watched you fail me, leave me, blame me and cheat me.
You've had your chances with me, it's not about my childhood anymore, it's about my future now you
bitch.
So these are my words to you. You will never get to give me back all those years you missed; being able
to watch me grow into the woman my grandmother taught me to be. You'll never get to teach me how
to dance and sing, tie my shoes, play badminton and basketball with me, paint my toenails, hug me and
threaten the one boy who broke my heart, watch me go from middle school to high school, listen to
petty high school drama, get to drive with me around and jam to musical tunes, or the top 50's with me.
You will never get to move me into college for my first year. You can't get those years back, you've
missed them; not just with me but with my big brother. You have a chance to do better with the
younger ones. Don't mess it up, be a better dad, grow up, learn that they are not just one of your friends
but your kids. Learn that you are not always right nor are you always the victim.
I wish you could have been the father I wanted you to be. I wish you could have loved me like all other
fathers did their young ones. I wish I had a dad, but from the way things have gone over 20 years, I
never will. I'll be the bigger person to say though that I will always love you.
Love,
The Son You'll Never Get To Know.

To my one and only absent father....
Dear father or rather to the man who simply donated DNA. I'm not sure if I can call you "Dad" anymore
because a father is someone who is always there for their children no matter what. You shouldn't have
to be forced to talk to your children, you should talk to them because you want to, not because you
have to or because of child support payments. Do you know what you did to your kids? Or your family?
The one you left behind because you aren't feeling it anymore. You flung your kids into a battlefield
between you and our mother. A war we never asked to be involved in. It was literal hell watching my
first role models, become something other than human-monsters who wanted nothing but to destroy
one another. Your children grew frightened. We didn't know where to turn, who would help, who would
care? Because who would care if your parents even wouldn't turn to check on you?
Now, I'll admit, the monstrous days are gone. But you still have a long, long way to go. You're trying to
talk to me, I notice. I act like I don't care, but I notice. It means the world when you actually try. I'll never
trust people again. I'll never think I'm good enough again. I'll pretend- sure, but deep down your voice
will ring out in my ear reminding me of that day when I was too much young and you couldn't handle it-
you didn't want to. I know you're a changed man but I will never stop seeing the man who I loved,
trusted, and wanted to be just like turn from me- turn from his family and leave us stranded out in the
wilderness. I don't say this to discourage your efforts. No, I say this because I want to strengthen you so
that you will keep trying when I don't respond, because it takes effort to break out of my shell and show
some compassion when everything in me is screaming to never trust my dad ever again. To never trust
anyone ever again. I need to do better too.
Absent father, everyday you're becoming more and more present in my life. Don't stop trying.
Love,
The Abandoned One

Dear Dad

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Dear Dad,

It's not you.

The Son You'll Never Get To Know.

The Abandoned One

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