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 FEARNE COTTON
HAPPY
TO JESSE, REX, HONEY, ARTHUR AND
LOLA, FOR ALL THE HAPPINESS YOU
BRING.

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 Contents
Title Page
A Little Note

Happy Not
Happy Balance
Happy Now
Happy Face
Happy Choices
Happy Mind
Happy Body
Happy Families
Happy Thanks
Happy Shared
Happy Heart
Happy

Copyright

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 A LITTLE NOTE
Happiness. I think we often assume it’s just around the corner, in the hands of
others, or only for a chosen category of people. The beautiful thing is, it’s
actually there for the taking, inside us all the time, bubbling away waiting to be
embraced.
I began my own exploration into the nebulous subject of happiness because
throughout my life I have had patches where I have felt quite the opposite of
‘happy’. Moments where I have stumbled into a darker territory – happy’s grey
and spiky sister: depression.
I have always been interested in looking at the world from various angles and
exploring different emotions and their boundaries, but perhaps, previously, in a
naive and reckless way. I wanted excitement; I wanted the rollercoaster; and I
wanted it all quick. I remember writing in an old diary that I was ‘prepared to
experience it all’. I sprinted into joy without care or fear, and climbed as high as
I could to get to it. Inevitably I would end up falling off a cliff edge on the other
side to compensate for such highs, but I would quickly dust myself down and
run at the next exciting hill. I admire my younger self for having such optimism
and so little regard for anything negative that came my way but, my god, it was
tiring.

I, like many people out there, assumed that once I had achieved certain
accolades, climbed up the career ladder and felt love from those around me, I
would feel ‘happy’. Yes, there was happiness along the way, but my fast-paced,
incautious way of living also led me to get hurt, feel empty at times and to live
from my head rather than my heart.
Depression. Many of you will have experienced it or know someone who has.
Maybe some of you have an inkling that you have dipped a toe into its murky
waters, but have never really talked about it. It’s an incredibly private
experience but one that it’s always better to share. I’ve never talked publicly
about my own brush with depression before, as I feared it would make it bigger
than it was, or that others would think I was being over-dramatic or attention-
seeking. But now I think it’s time for me to share my experiences, as being
honest with myself, and others, can only be a good thing and in turn might help
others, too.
Within these pages you’ll hear me talk about what depression feels like for
me, but you’ll also find lots of happiness. Each of us has our own perspective on
what it represents and how it feels. Wherever you currently are on the
happiness spectrum – whether you’re feeling down, okay or wonderful – I hope
you can use this book to slow down, reflect and really engage with what those
feelings are. For me, happiness and balance are about an open mind, an open
heart and discipline. Nowadays, I like the simple things. Just give me fresh air,
my kids’ laughter, a paintbrush, people to cook for, a clear sky and plenty of
sleep: these are my new cravings. I still get to feel excited and rocket-man high
about things, but I know what will really deliver that balance and bliss that I
have always craved. It’s inevitable that we will all trudge through tough times,
have to say goodbye to loved ones, beat ourselves up about things and make
mistakes. Acceptance of this is key, as is the knowledge that ‘happiness’ is not a
far-off destination that lives somewhere outside of YOU.
I’ve learned to get to grips with this, having spent so many years running far
away from myself in search of it. I watched the sunset in many countries,
climbed mountains, partied until the birds sang and did jobs that seemed so
much bigger than me. I feel so lucky to have experienced these moments in my
life, and fun and joy were definitely woven throughout them, but they weren’t
teleporting me to the island of happiness like I had hoped. Depression made
me step back, slow down and realise this in a rather harsh and devastating way.
Although painful to recall and write about now, I’m glad. I’m sort of grateful
that I had this turning point. These days, I’m still prone to this darkness, so I
have to be mindful about how I deal with everything around me.
Over time, I’ve learned a few simple things to help keep me in my version of
‘happy’. These will be different for each of us, but I feel grateful for my own
little list as it allows me to navigate back onto a smoother path when I find
myself shunted off it. For example, painting ignites my inner dreamer as I put
what’s in my head onto a canvas; cooking gives me a creative outlet that acts
like meditation.
These are some of the tools that together make a huge difference to my life
and outlook. This book will combine these elements and more to help quieten
your mind – through little exercises and visualisations – and hopefully drench
you in relaxation and calm. I believe writing things down can be a very powerful
tool to grab hold of; one that has helped me over the years and continues to
help me make sense of the chaos in my head and digest thoughts, fears and
dreams. Many of the exercises in the book involve just that, and I really hope
this tool can be helpful to you, too.
This book will share ways to release what’s going on inside your head and
keep you trekking towards the good stuff. The simple stuff. The stuff that’s
going to really hit up that happiness on a deep and nourishing level. Whether
you dip into these pages every now and then when you feel the need, or use
the book’s exercises for some daily positivity, I hope it brings you much relief,
joy and calm.

Amen to the pen.

Throughout this book you’ll come across some activity pages. If you’d like to
give them a go, you can download a printable PDF of them here.

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 ACTIVITY

As you are reading through this book, whenever you see this symbol refer back to
this page and mark a dot in the colour which represents how you are feeling. You can then
look back and see where your happiness setting has been for stretches of time. We don’t
always take the time to notice how we are feeling each day as we are rushing through the
tasks ahead. This reflection rainbow will help you to register where you are emotionally
over a period of time.

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 HAPPY NOT
I want to begin here because it’s ground zero: it explains why the subject of happiness is so important to
me, and I hope it speaks to those of you who are struggling to find happiness right now.
This is the chapter I’ve been most fearful of writing, as delving back into this period of my life – that I
can quite confidently describe as ‘the dark patch’ – makes me physically recoil. When I think of this
time, my chest feels heavy and my throat tightens so it’s hard to breathe. I have wanted to block it out
and pretend it didn’t happen, which isn’t conducive to accepting and making peace with it. As you’ll see
when you read on, I think acceptance is a big part of awakening that inner happiness. So that’s what I’ll
continue to strive for every day. I don’t want this dark patch to be part of my story, but it is, so I will try
to make friends with ‘acceptance’ and keep on trucking.

MY WALTZ WITH THE DARKNESS

Depression. The big D. Not a word I say out loud a lot. If I ignored that period
of my life and didn’t breathe life into it with words, then maybe it would just go
away; dissipate into dust that would float off into the ether. But pretending a
certain part of your story didn’t occur will only make it worse when something
else in life reminds you unexpectedly of that time. You suddenly have to deal
with all the emotional backlash without any warning or preparation. Making
peace with your own backstory, and accepting that not all of it is good, is vital.
Then, if you are dragged back into a memory or feeling from the past, your
reaction will come from a calm place where you know you can cope.
I’m not quite there yet, and that’s okay. I’m in no rush as I am confident that
I’m headed in the right direction no matter what speed I travel at. Maybe that’s
also one reason I’m writing this book. It’s certainly one of the reasons I’ve
decided to be honest about this part of my life. Writing down the truth may
breathe life into the subject, which is terrifying, but it also allows me to
understand it a lot more and not keep it all locked away like some gruesome,
eager monster.
Being honest isn’t always easy, as you are instantly opening yourself up to
judgement. It requires a certain amount of guts and, sometimes in life, that
feels like a big effort; another reason why, until now, I haven’t talked about any
of this. I haven’t had the energy to witness and process the array of possible
reactions.
But being honest also allows me to share my story, which I hope will help
some of you reading this and stop the subject of depression being such a taboo.
Maybe you have experienced a similar situation in your life. Maybe you will
simply enjoy jotting down your own notes and ideas on these pages. Maybe my
words will help you retrieve your own, and in turn help you find the courage to
share your own experience with others. That would feel like a really special
transaction.
 THE CLOUD
Depression has many faces and can creep in at any speed. For some it’s
hereditary and something they may have been warned about from a young age.
My mother and grandmother both suffered with it to varying degrees, so I
always knew how it could affect the joys of life. Sometimes depression will
swamp your life after an incident that leaves you feeling lost or out of control;
sometimes maybe there’s just no rhyme or reason. Mine was a whirlwind of all
of these and that frenetic concoction meant it came in thick and fast.
I wasn’t even sure what I was going through at the time – all I knew was that I
was walking through this thick mud that was making every step exhausting and
debilitating. It can be tricky to know when you’ve crossed the line from feeling
a bit blue to depression. Throughout my twenties, my blue moments were
mostly linked to what every other twenty-something would be going through:
break-ups, heartache, lack of confidence and generally feeling a bit lost. I had
no previous reference point to gauge whether I had dipped my toe into
depression’s treacle, or if I was merely feeling a bit down. In the end it was the
length of time I felt stuck that rang alarm bells, and the fact I felt there was no
hope of finding a way out.
Everyone’s physical and mental version of depression will differ but, for me, it
was a cloud. A dark, ominous mountain of a cloud that made my heart sink
when I looked at it. My inner light that used to shine so brightly had dimmed to
being barely visible. The optimistic sunshine in my eyes had been replaced by a
heaviness and my skin matched the drab grey of the giant cloud. I always used
to look forward to what lay ahead, even something as simple as my morning
coffee, but during this period nothing seemed hopeful.
It was hard to leave the house during this time but I was still needed at work
on a daily basis. Due to the nature of my job I would put on a fake smile, walk
out of the door, go into robot mode and get through what was needed. Most of
the time it was like an out-of-body experience. Someone else was pushing the
buttons and making things happen, as I certainly wasn’t capable of it. When my
work was done, I could lift off the mask and privately fall apart. The tears would
flow, followed by a feeling of complete numbness.

HELLO TO . . . MUM
Writing this book has allowed a dialogue to open up between me and my
mum. We have always been very close but for some reason hadn’t delved
into an honest discussion about depression before. This book made me
brave a chat about it that I had been subconsciously putting off, and
knowing that depression has woven its way through generations of my
family has allowed me to unpick my own experiences with more clarity and
understanding. Mum’s honesty has been a huge help. Over to her . . .

“ I think it was Churchill who called his depression ‘the black dog’. I would
call mine ‘the black pit’. This is what it feels like: being in a dark hole unable
to pull yourself out of it. It’s not just sadness, it’s more than that. There is
the feeling of worthlessness, the feeling of ‘what’s the point?’, being unable
to concentrate, negative thoughts spinning out of control, etc. My mother
had depression and anxiety and whether this is passed on through the
generations, I don’t know. But I do know that my triggers include reading
too much negative news – we hear bad news from all over the world
instantly and I suppose you feel bombarded and powerless to help; the
media seem to revel in reporting more bad stuff than good stuff. I spiral
downwards when I see man’s inhumanity to man. I spiral downwards when I
see how cruel humans are to defenseless animals – I support many animal
 charities and some of the stories I read are heartbreaking. I spiral
downwards when I see how our planet is being exploited – it could all be so
different. My defence mechanism is to shut myself off from it occasionally
and give my brain a rest. I don’t think we are designed to know and cope
with what is happening all over the world all the time. I try to be kind to
myself, get into nature, walk, sleep, eat well and keep life as simple as I can.
Trying to help others (humans and animals) also lifts me. I suppose I say to
myself: ‘You have been here before, it will pass . . . tomorrow is another
day.’ ”

NUMB
Whenever I experienced this numb feeling I knew I was trapped. Have you ever
noticed that the natural flow of life is to keep moving? We are always travelling
from one experience and emotion to the next. We cannot sustain pure
happiness or sorrow for huge lengths of time without the tiniest interval of
something else. So the numbness alerted me to the fact that I was stuck, and
stuck in a really shitty place, imprisoned in this thick fog with no way out. It was
like a bland and blank page of nothingness. Even my natural aptitude for
gathering happiness from nostalgia was sucked dry. Everything felt quite dead,
drained and shell-like. The only thing that would awaken me from this state was
the shocking feeling of panic. My heartbeat would quicken and bile would rush
to my throat. It was like waking up from a night’s sleep to find yourself running
a marathon. It was disorientating and scary.

WHAT DOES BLACK FEEL LIKE?

We’ve all felt BLUE at some point. It’s inevitable. It could start from a tiny seed
of worry or sorrow and snowball into a vast area of your life. It could be your
go-to emotion as it feels safe and comforting. How could anyone hurt you if
you’re already down? How could it get any worse? It’s far from the best
comfort zone to slip into, as I have learned many a time. You will only attract
more of that energy into this space as that’s the message you’re giving off to
others – and if susceptible, it could lead you into feeling BLACK.
In my experience, feeling ‘black’ has a close alliance with fear. Not the type
of fear that makes you alert and on guard, but the sort that can eradicate hope
in one gulp. It swallows it up and spits out the remains, your dreams and hopes,
in tatters.
The fear clingfilms your body and suffocates any confidence you had in
yourself. This fear has a partner in crime, a shouty voice booming: ‘You’re
ridiculous for believing you could fulfil your dreams! How selfish and arrogant
of you.’
This lethal combination extracts all the innocence from your dreaming and
stops you in your tracks. It has the power to draw up safely filed-away
memories that make you flinch to retrieve. Memories you had filed under
‘horrific’, ‘embarrassing’, ‘full of shame’. It draws them up, projects them onto
the forefront of your mind and illuminates them on a cinema-sized screen. This
fear makes you believe you are defined by these moments and won’t let you
forgive yourself for mistakes and dark times.
This black feeling is drenched in indifference and lethargy but has an inner
electric edge that won’t let you relax. You’re asleep in body, but wired in mind:
a toxic partnership that has no balance at all. You’re down the rabbit hole with
no instructions on how to get out or find the light again.
 HELLO TO . . . MIND
I have been aware of Mind’s fantastic work for a long time and visited their
head office a few years back. They are a fount of knowledge on mental
health and a sturdy support network for many. I’m very grateful for their
encouragement with my book and for this little chat I had with Paul
Farmer, the CEO.

“ F: If someone out there thinks they are experiencing depression what

should they be looking out for? What signs might point to a mental
health issue?

P: Well, many of us will feel down from time to time, but you may notice at
some stage in your life that you’ve actually been feeling low for a couple of
weeks or more, or that the low feeling returns over and over again, which
could mean that you’re potentially experiencing depression.
Symptoms of mental health problems vary from person to person, but
there are some common symptoms of depression to look out for. Someone
might feel restless, numb or helpless, lose interest in sex, sleep too much or
too little, and gain no pleasure from things they used to enjoy. Those
experiencing depression can often become disconnected from other
people, so may find themselves withdrawing from contact with friends or
family. At its most severe, someone may feel like there’s no point in the
future, or even – in some cases – think about suicide; so it’s really
important to recognise any symptoms as early as possible and seek out help
to try to avoid this.
F: What is the first thing they should do if they want help?

P: Seeking help is absolutely one of the most important things to do if you

feel like you’re experiencing a mental health problem. The first step is to
speak to someone – it could be a friend or family member you trust, or
speaking to your GP who can talk you through the support that’s available.
We know that talking to your GP might seem a little daunting for some –
an extra thing that you have to worry about – so Mind have produced a
guide on how to speak to your GP about your mental health, which you can
find on the Mind website mind.org.uk/findthewords.

F: How important is it to share your worries and fears with someone?

P: It’s really important to talk to the people close to you about how you’re
feeling as having support systems in place, like a friend or family member to
talk to, can be a huge help.
If you’ve talked through your mental health problems with someone in
the past, it also makes it easier for people to pick up on changes in your
behaviour and give you support should you need it again.
Talking about your worries, fears, or mental health is also the most
powerful tool in breaking down the stigma that sometimes still surrounds
mental health. Everyone has mental health, so it’s important for us to make
sure that problems aren’t seen as anything to be ashamed of. At Mind, we
strongly believe that this generation can be more open about mental health
problems than any generation before.

F: What do you as a charity offer up to people who feel they might be

going through a mental health issue?
P: Put simply, Mind provides both advice and support to empower anyone
experiencing a mental health problem. As a charity we believe everyone
experiencing a mental health problem should get both support and respect,
and therefore we offer a variety of services to people who feel they might
be going through a mental health issue.
There is the Mind Infoline (0300 123 3393), which provides information
on a range of topics, including types of mental health problems, where to
get help, medication and alternative treatments. Mind also has its network
of over 140 Local Minds, each offering unique services tailored to the
needs of their community. Services include talking therapies, peer support,
advocacy, crisis care, employment and housing support – so there should
be something on offer to suit everyone’s individual situation and
preference.
Mind also produces information booklets and runs an online forum for
people to discuss their problems and possible solutions with others who are
going through similar experiences called Elefriends (elefriends.org.uk).
We’d encourage everyone to look on our website (mind.org.uk) if you
want to find out more as it really does have a vast amount of information
and resources on it – including an A–Z of mental health and blog posts and
podcasts where you can listen to people describing their own experiences of
different mental health problems.

F: Why do you think some choose to shut off and not speak up when
they’re struggling?

P: The fear of being judged or isolated. The way that some people
potentially think and act about mental health can silence people at a time
when they need support the most. It’s important that everyone feels able
to talk about their mental health problems without fearing the attitudes of
others.
 There are things we can do as a society though to help change this. Mind
run a joint campaign with Rethink Mental Illness called ‘Time to Change’
that specifically works towards changing outlooks and behaviours, and have
subsequently encouraged 95,000 individuals and organisations to pledge
to end mental health stigma.
If someone you know doesn’t seem their normal selves and you’re
concerned about them, for example if they have started avoiding social
contact, it’s best to ask them how they’re feeling. It takes a lot for someone
to say “I need help”, but it doesn’t hurt to raise the subject yourself.
Sometimes you don’t have to explicitly talk about mental health to find out
how they’re doing – it can be as simple as texting them to let them know
you’re thinking of them, inviting them out for coffee or dinner or going for
a walk. It can often be the little things that actually make a big difference to
someone’s mental health. ”
Mind is a mental health charity that aims to help anyone experiencing a
mental health problem.
Website: mind.org.uk. Info line: 0300 123 3393 (open 9am to 6pm,
Monday to Friday – except for bank holidays). Email: info@mind.org.uk.
To support the charity, visit mind.org.uk/get-involved.

TALK. TALK. TALK.

I was too drenched in this circle of sorrow and panic to notice what was really
going on. A dear friend of mine suggested, quite insistently, that I see a doctor.
Realising others could see something wasn’t right, I silently got in her car and
met with the doctor who instantly saw what was up.
 It was almost a relief to give it a name – perhaps it wasn’t all me and my
thoughts; perhaps depression chose me and I had little choice in the matter.
That made things a tiny weeny bit easier. Giving it a name made it feel like I
was on loan to depression and I could now do whatever possible to get back to
feeling like myself again.
I am very lucky that I love communicating and always have done but weirdly,
at this point, the matter at hand felt too heavy to express. Deep down I knew it
would help ease the pain and shame of it all so eventually I braved it and
opened up about what I had been experiencing. A few very special people in my
life provided an incredible ear and helped me feel like there would be a time
when all of this would pass. Their belief in me and support made me feel safe
and that’s a great start.

My advice would be to pick carefully who you choose to talk to. Go with your
gut. I made the mistake at one point of choosing someone whose strength of
character and confidence seemed reassuring, but the person in question
instantly shut down a dialogue that I thought might be a way out for me. I felt
foolish for a long time, but I realise now that maybe I shouldn’t have burdened
someone I didn’t have a long-standing relationship with. Save the big chats and
honest words for people who you know have you in their hearts full-time.
Whether that be to a friend who can talk to you, or a professional who can
offer help. Speak up and be honest. Let them in and let them help you. Talking
to people, the right people, is a gift, and one to be used when you know you
need it. It’s integral to climbing this steep and treacherous mountain.

FIND YOUR TOOLS

For me, medication was advised as the next appropriate tool to help lift me out
of the pit I had sunk into. I didn’t stay on medication for long, but for the short
time I was taking it I managed to lift my head high enough to see the light
again. The numbness was still there but I could sense happiness on a small scale,
and smile and mean it. Once you get started, you can then find the
momentum to roll, and that’s exactly what I did.
Everyone will have a different opinion on how to live with depression and may
have their own personal preferences on how to deal with it. For me, medication
was a last resort and one I used only momentarily, but I’m thankful for the gear
change the medicine provided so I could then look with clarity for other
options for the long term. Whatever feels right to you is the best way. Follow
your gut.
Finding other methods to deal with what I feared in life, and how I
perceivedmy own story, was now my new mission. First, I looked around at my
life and worked out what needed to go. I had built up beliefs about myself,
about others around me and about how the world worked that weren’t
conducive to a healthy mental state long-term. This needed to change. This
switch-up took time and felt strange at first, but it has led me to a place where
I feel I can put my time and energy into the things I really care about. Being
surrounded by positive people and feel-good activities that make me feel alive
is very important to prevent my mind from wandering into any shadowy
territory.
I also learned to recognise ways of thinking that can lead me to feeling blue. I
now try to place far less importance on what everyone else thinks and says
around me and instead focus on what I believe to be the truth. Something I still
have to work on relentlessly. Sometimes I feel defined by my own story,
forgetting that I am the one writing it, and I can get swamped by wondering
how I fit into it all. Rather than just sitting happy in the NOW and knowing I’m
okay, I can lean more towards worrying about mistakes I’ve made in the past
and things I could have done differently. I have to deal with these ways of
thinking; I can’t fight them, as they will only grow stronger. I have to replace
them with new ways of viewing life.
Occasionally I’ll still jump off the high-board into the blue, and from there I
can see the darkness just across the water, but with my new ways of thinking in
place it’s much less likely that I’ll be dragged under the current. Learning what
your triggers and weaknesses are is important, as you can then try to avoid
certain situations or thought processes that you know lead you down a dark
and gloomy path.
 ESCAPING THE BLACK
When you’re in the black, it feels endless. How will this giant cloud ever pass,
and how will I not be affected by the memory of it? That’s where hard work and
discipline comes into play. As soon as I remember, in a tiny chink of light, that
everything has been okay before, and that I can experience happiness again, I
can start to heave myself out. It takes one thought, one second, one moment
or positive memory to act as a catalyst for the light to gradually seep in again.
Shapes change, moods shift, lungs fill, feet shuffle and clouds start to part.
Hope, joy, love and laughter: it’s all for the taking once you get your head in
the right space.
The next step is not running head on into another loaded emotion too
quickly. Sprinting full pelt into excitement or drama could be just as damaging,
so I try to remember to take it slowly and not numb the feeling of ‘black’ by
covering it with another heightened emotion. I let it flow naturally, however
long that might take, and use building blocks of things I love to help climb that
slippery flight of stairs.
 THERE’S ROOM FOR IT ALL
My friend, Gerad Kite, uses a wonderful theory of the ‘Pendulum’. Gerad is an
incredible acupuncturist who has studied Five Element acupuncture for over
twenty years. This theory leads you to notice your own natural swing of
emotions. Rather than swing with great force from one feeling to another, you
can sit above it all, on the top of the Pendulum, and observe it unfolding. But
neither should you try to stay in the middle of your pendulum and block out
extreme emotions. We can all feel scared of getting too happy, as it’s often
sidelined by the fear of that moment or good thing ceasing to exist. Fall into
good times feeling safe, but knowing of course that it will have a natural end.
The same with the darker times. All this too shall pass. If, like me, ‘blue’ or
‘black’ is one of your go-to states, let it come and pass naturally. Don’t get
stuck in it for too long and don’t feel desperate to block it out or numb it with
other feelings. There’s room for it all.

HELLO TO . . . GERAD

“ I have been working as a Five Element acupuncturist for almost thirty

years and I am in the business of of helping people find balance in their
lives. When we swing out of balance, symptoms – friendly messengers –
emerge to tell us we’ve lost our footing and that we are getting sick.
Throughout my career, I have noticed that no matter the physical symptom
a person brings into the room – unhappiness quickly follows too. From the
perspective of Five Element acupuncture all symptoms are indicators that
we have lost internal balance.
 When I originally trained as a psychotherapist, I was introduced to a
therapeutic tool called the ‘Pendulum’. This simple but powerful image was
given to help people find balance. Whenever we talk about finding balance
we typically compare one state to another. ‘Am I working too hard or am I
being lazy?’ ‘Am I partying too much or is my life as dull as dishwater?’ The
other option on the table is the midpoint or the balancing point, i.e.
working in moderation; leaving the party at 11pm to ensure a good night’s
sleep. But if we’re honest, that sounds less appealing than the extremes of
the pendulum swings.
But if we are to find real and lasting happiness in our lives we need to
abandon our obsession with hunting the highs and resisting the lows and
discover the hidden secrets of the ‘calm’.
The ‘calm’ is the natural balancing point of the pendulum swing. This
should be our natural state; the highs and lows of life are places we can visit
– but never remain. When we start to suffer or feel unhappy it is because
we are stuck in the highs or the lows or swinging madly between both. The
humble middle ground is the path to contentment and peace. Focus your
attention there and your mood and body will follow suit. ”

SUMMARY
TALK.
If you slip into the blue or indeed the black, don’t keep it in. Find someone you trust – friend or
professional – and tell them about it.

FIND YOUR TOOLS.

Work out what facilitates unhappiness in your life and look at how you could eradicate any
frameworks that allow it to creep in.
 THERE’S ROOM FOR IT ALL.
Don’t panic if you feel unhappy. Let it come and go. Remember: all this too shall pass.

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 ACTIVITY

NOTHING VENTURED, NOTHING GAINED

Before I crack on with my story and the little things that have helped – and
continue to help – me on my quest for happiness, take a look inside yourself
and really gather what’s going on with you right now. Don’t be afraid to be
honest. Take stock of how you’re feeling – only then can you understand
where it is you want to go.
OceanofPDF.com
 HAPPY BALANCE
For me, having a ‘happy balance’ is the cornerstone of contentment. Balance doesn’t make us instantly
think of beaming joy and elation, but to me HAPPINESS isn’t that at all. It’s not a saccharine sweet
thumbs-up, it’s a calm and considered, grounded peace.
Balance can be achieved by doing enough of what makes you tick. Life is full of responsibility and
potential stress, so it’s important we find a balance in it all.
I personally need to make sure I balance out being a mum, working, and quenching my creative thirst. I
can then feel I’m giving my all to my children, husband, work and myself in equal amounts. In turn, I can
enjoy it all, as I know there’s a balance and system that works for me.
Your own balance will be different from mine. It’s all about identifying YOUR balance and working
towards it.

PERSEVERE
Finding balance isn’t necessarily easy, and can be especially hard when you are
faced with unexpected adversity. Like many people, I have experienced loss,
bereavement, shock and trauma. Some of these experiences remain with me
and it takes work to turn down the negative and focus on life’s upsides,
especially as trauma can feel like it’s living in your every cell, attaching itself like
a leech and refusing to loosen its grip. Everyone deals with this differently, but
for me, creating balance in life is key. Allowing yourself time to stop and take
stock is how you will heal and repair, then that grip will start to loosen and you’ll
be able to see the sunshine again.
I’m an all-or-nothing person. If I fall in love, I free-fall without a parachute. If
I have a goal in sight, I become blind to much else of what lies around me. If I
feel an emotion, it tends to be at the extreme end of the spectrum. So
acquiring balance in my life doesn’t necessarily come naturally to me. It’s
something I have to work at and be vigilant about.
But I reckon it’s okay to not have cracked this one completely, as it takes
time and requires a fundamental change in how you think about life. You almost
have to rewrite what you thought you knew, and that’s never going to be quick.

OUR INNER ALARM CLOCK

Sometimes I exhaust myself with the pressure I’ve put myself under, of trying
to do so much at once and all to a certain standard. I constantly fret that I’m
not doing enough, or that I’m getting complacent in areas. I feel extremely
lucky as I love being a mum and I am insanely passionate about my job, so doing
too much is usually fun. Writing this book, for instance, is making me buzz and
burst with happiness, as I love having a goal and a project and writing honestly is
proving to be cathartic. After a day with the kids, or on a shoot, I write, write,
write until my eyes are blurry and my husband leads me to bed, where I will
have a shorter-than-ideal night’s sleep as our young children wake up early.
I like this way of life as I constantly remember ‘you only live once’. I want to
push myself, but inevitably I know that at some point the scales will begin to tip
and my body or my mind will scream out for some calm, and that will be my
inner alarm clock warning me to get the balance back.
In this day and age, it is very difficult to NOT burn out. There are so many
opportunities out there and so much pressure to do everything possible. Maybe
we want or need to work hard, or feel we should be working harder. Maybe we
love socialising and try to squeeze this into an already overflowing calendar.
Maybe we need to help others around us and forget to take a look at how we
ourselves are coping. It always seems that there are simply not enough hours in
the day, and we don’t have the energy to do all we need or want.

ACTIVITY
Here is your inner alarm clock. Mark a cross where you feel you are at today. Particularly if
you are in ‘Stressed’, close to the alarm bells, physically draw yourself away from there into
the quarter you’d like to be in. What small change can you make in this moment to help
you get there?
 ‘SHOULD DO’ AND ‘WANT TO’
Whenever I get into this exhausted mindset I try to distinguish between the
things I feel I should be doing and the things I want to be doing. Usually even
the dullest ‘SHOULD DO’ has an underlying element of ‘WANT TO’ when
you bear in mind the goal you are trying to achieve. ‘I SHOULD go to the gym’
could mean ‘I WANT to feel good’, for example. If it’s coming from a place
where you know inner happiness lies and can be achieved at the end of it, then
run with it. If the WANT is coming from a place of fear and low self-esteem,
and is making you feel rubbish, then it’s time to ditch that aim and work out
what really makes you tick.
 Getting balance in your life has to be a personal project. I really believe that
you cannot compare your life with others. You must decide how to devote your
own time and energy, and not be swayed by what others do. It has to feel good
to you. You may have a colleague who works much harder than you. If it doesn’t
feel right to you to have that much time taken up by work, then don’t try to
match what your friend is doing. Work out your own needs and what makes you
feel really good.
To give you my own example, I rarely go out socialising these days. That’s
because top of the ladder in terms of what makes me feel good are spending
time with my kids and husband, and working. The next rung down is for friends
and activities that fall into daytime hours. Going out at night, like I did in my
twenties, has fallen off the priority ladder altogether. I haven’t the energy for it.
Or, should I say, I have CHOSEN not to give the energy I have to it. This may
change again later in my life but for now it feels like the best way of preserving
energy for my priorities.
I have made that choice, and very happily. Occasionally I’ll get FOMO, but
much less regularly these days as I get so much balance and enjoyment from
the chosen activities of my day-to-day life. It’s a challenge, but if you listen to
your inner voice you’ll know what you really want, so hopefully you can start
saying goodbye to some SHOULDs.
 WHAT DOES IMBALANCE FEEL LIKE?
So you have your list of WANT TOs and they feel great. How are you supposed
to know when you’ve reached the road sign that states TOO MUCH?
I think most people get out of balance because they have a fear of what might
happen if they change their habits – or they don’t realise how much damage a
habit is doing to them. Some people are out of balance physically, as I myself
was earlier in life. I ate on the run, didn’t mind what fuel I ran on and let lack of
sleep and little rest run my body down. Some people might over-eat or under-
eat to feel in control, overlooking that the outcome won’t lead to balance or
happiness. Some people are imbalanced with their time, working too much or
focusing on just one thing, and therefore missing out on something else they
might enjoy.
If I feel my balance tip in life and my basket getting too full, I shriek and wail
that it’s all too much and I can’t cope, as I’m sure we all do at times. I am
learning to take a step back while remembering I have the power to change my
situation and how I react to it all.
 LISTEN TO YOUR GUT
All we can truly do is be aware of our own inner barometer (see the next page!).
This will be different for everyone but it’s essentially a case of listening to your
gut and what you want to be doing with your time. It’s so much easier said than
done, but once you get more in tune with it, it gets easier and easier.
Growing up, I chased excitement and adventure and pushed everything else
aside. I had little respect or regard for rest or peace, so stomped through
situations with clompy shoes and my eyes closed. I would work until I lost sight
of that fact that I had chosen to do so and would complain that I was too tired
or overworked. I had chosen to live at that speed and hadn’t created room for
any other pace. Now I realise there is another way.

TAKING TIME TO STOP

What we all forget at times is self-preservation. When we forget to make sure
we are doing okay, we can’t then give our best to the people we care about.
Finding time for this can sometimes seem impossible, but it is integral to
achieving that much-needed balance in life.
My husband and I have weird schedules and little routine which makes
planning anything tricky, but we do try to have the odd date night where we’ll
get a babysitter. If we can’t even manage this, we just try to make time to talk.
To sit, without phones or screens, and just talk. It’s always interesting to just
chat and have fun rather than talk about who has washed the school uniforms
and packed lunches. Every couple has good times and bad times but we feel it’s
important for us, and our kids, that we remain strong by making little moments
like this count.
 My husband regularly tells me to get off my laptop in the evenings when the
kids are in bed and orders me to have a bath. My reply is always a stroppy: ‘I
haven’t got time for a bath!’ Okay, so I may have thirty emails to write and
three birthday presents I need to buy online for family members, but maybe
having a bath for thirty minutes to ground myself and stop my brain ticking will
refresh me for all that lies ahead. Maybe I could find thirty minutes tomorrow
to finish up emails when I’ve rested properly. Our days are short but there is
usually some room for movement if you’re willing to sacrifice a little of
something else. Rest and stopping has to take a priority where it can. I’m
reiterating this as I’m useless at it!

ACTIVITY
Here is my own barometer of happiness. It’s powerful to write down what makes you tick
and how you can return to this, or at least try, when things get tough. You then have a
constant gauge on where you are at happiness wise and know what to do and go back to if
you’re not feeling so great. Complete your own barometer on the next page.
 THE SECRET OF SLOWING DOWN
I know that when I get closely involved in a project I’m excited about, it’s partly
to do with the fact I love to feel busy and useful, but it’s also to do with the fear
of stopping. What if I truly stopped? How would I feel? Would my demons
creep back up and shout in my face? Would I be able to handle what arises? My
inner compass will always spin towards the route of exhaustion and boundary-
pushing, but I now try to reprogramme my mindset to take a little time to stop,
get centred and look around me. I tend to favour the kind of ‘stopping’ that
allows me to trick my mind into thinking I’m still ‘doing’. Yoga, painting, running
or cooking – with these types of activities, my mind stops but a slight blissful
ticking remains. This suits my overactive brain – and probably quells my
underlying fear of truly letting go! Learning to slow down and stop once in a
while is a tricky change to make, and you have to be prepared for where your
mind might go once you’ve stopped trying to distract it with other things. For
example, you may have memories or worries that you need to come to terms
with. I think facing these things is a better option than battling on and covering
your troubles by keeping busy.

FIVE TINY WAYS TO STOP.

We may feel like we have no time in the day, but these small changes in our lives can allow
us to morph time to our own liking . . .

1. Take time when you eat. Make sure you can sit and enjoy every mouthful of what is in
front of you.

2. Turn your phone off at night. Choose a time that feels right for you and don’t allow
yourself to text or send emails past this moment. Mine usually goes off at 9pm and
doesn’t go back on until after breakfast the next day.

3. Go and stand outside for five minutes come rain or shine. Stepping outside of your
usual environment for a short time will give you the head space you need to crack on
with the rest of the day. It’s like smoking without the smoking!
 4. Doodle. Rather than scouring the internet after work or before bed, why not get back to
basics – get a pen and paper and doodle away. You don’t have to be any good at drawing,
it’s more the motion and focus needed that’s great for your brain.

5. Take a real look around you. You can be in the busiest of environments but still feel
you’re in a calm place by just stopping and observing the scene. See others, listen to the
sounds around you, feel the quality of air, sense the clothes on your skin, be aware of
your breath leaving each nostril. Stopping without actually stopping just requires a bit
of awareness.

HELLO TO . . . TOM
I have known Tom Fletcher for many years, but had no clue what was going
on in his personal life until he opened up so eloquently in the 2012 McFly
autobiography, Unsaid Things, about his bipolar disorder. I found this truly
inspiring and courageous and have enjoyed many chats since with Tom on
the subject. He knows his honest approach can help others, so he’s always
willing to share his thoughts and talk about how he views life since his
diagnosis. I was intrigued to hear his thoughts on happiness when I began
writing this book, so had a chat with him about how bipolar disorder affects
his daily barometer of joy.

“ F: Hey Tom, how are you today?

T: I’m great. Really great. I’m on another level of tiredness right now
because of the kids and work, but things are great.

F: Thanks so much for talking to me about, as you described it to me, your

‘wonky brain’. It takes guts to be honest and show your vulnerabilities.
What made you first want to speak out about it all?

T: Well, I only realised that I wasn’t the only one with this sort of ‘wonky
brain’ by seeing someone else speak openly about it. I was having a
particularly tough time and by chance caught Stephen Fry’s documentary
about bipolar on TV [The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive, BBC One,
2006] and it was a really emotional moment, because it was like listening to
someone describe my own life. That was the start of me discovering how my
‘wonky brain’ works.
When it came to writing the McFly autobiography we agreed that we
would be completely open about everything, so it felt wrong to leave it out
– I thought that if writing about my own experience could help just one
person then that is surely worth it.

F: When did you first notice that something might not feel quite right
with your mental health?

T: I think I experienced some sort of heightened emotions from a very

young age, perhaps ten or eleven. I can trace regular patterns of highs and
lows back to the start of McFly and that was in 2003, but when I think back
to how I felt and reacted to situations at a younger age I think I can spot
certain signs of it in my childhood.

F: You were diagnosed with bipolar. When you’ve hit one of those lows,
what does depression feel like to you?

T: My diagnosis itself was actually quite a complicated experience. I went to

different doctors, psychiatrists and psychologists, all with different opinions.
Some with a more black-and-white ‘you have bipolar’ diagnosis, and others
who were a little more vague. That in itself is confusing when you’re going
through a bad time and really need some answers, but I learnt a lot about
myself during that process and eventually got the right treatment and help.

Back to your question though . . . the lows suck. They suck more than
anything else I can think of. They made me the worst version of me that I
can be in every way, but I think the weirdest part of my lows (and the
hardest part to explain) isn’t that there is no light at the end of the tunnel,
but that you don’t want there to be. It’s like you’re committed to being in
this low and won’t even look for the way out.

F: What does bipolar mean to you? How does it feel and how do you
visualise it?

T: I guess the difficult thing I found with my bipolar is that I felt that it had
become so much a part of who I am that I was scared about getting rid of it.
I felt that the high points, the ‘ups’, made me extremely creative and full of
positive energy that made anything seem possible. I was very worried about
losing that. I guess I was associating any talent I might have with these ‘ups’
and was worried that, by starting to take medication to control the lows, I
might lose my creativity.

F: How did this affect those around you?

T: When I told the guys in the band I think it was a big collective, ‘Oh, that’s
what it is . . . so you’re not just a dick’. Haha. I put them through a lot over
the years during my down times and I know I was extremely difficult to live
with and work with. They put up with a lot. Although no one put up with
more than my wife, Gi. She would call it my ‘period’ when I was in one of my
lows and that was long before we knew anything about depression or bipolar.

F: How do you feel on a daily basis now that you take medication?

T: I’ve actually stopped taking it now. I was taking it daily for four years and
had wanted to stop for a while. The doctor said: ‘Why stop when it’s
working?’, but it was around the time that we were thinking of starting a
family: I didn’t want to be dependent on medication for the rest of my life. I
felt that it had helped me find a balance again.
I actually then came off the medication by accident. We went away on
tour and I forgot to get a new prescription. We were in the middle of
nowhere when I ran out and I had to go for a week without them. This is
totally dangerous and I don’t recommend it. Don’t do this! I had a really
dodgy couple of days but then suddenly felt okay. By the time I got home
I’d gone for a couple of weeks without it and felt great, so I decided to see
how it went staying off it. That was over two years ago now and I’ve never
needed to go back. I’ve felt the best I have mentally felt in my whole life!

F: What do you do daily that keeps you in check and stops you from going
down a slippery slope?

T: I eat pretty healthily now. That was a big change in my life. I’d struggled
with weight a bit through the early years of the band and I think that added
to the ups and downs. Once I got that in check and started looking after my
body I found my mind felt much better, too.
The BIGGEST change though was sleep. I’d been terrified of aliens . . .
yes, I know that sounds proper crazy… but it’s true. It kept me awake
EVERY night for the majority of my life and it was only when I got help for
bipolar that I began getting help sleeping at the same time. Once I started
getting proper sleep I found it much easier to deal with things that might
trigger a low.

F: So your physical wellbeing seems to play a big part in your mental

health?

T: Absolutely. If I’m feeling physically fit and healthy then my mind feels
the same. I do a little ten-minute workout every morning on the bathroom
floor before I shower and that is enough to get my heart racing and make
me feel energised and ready for a good day. On the flipside, when I was
feeling low I would purposely not look after my body. I’d eat rubbish, wear
clothes I looked awful in, not shave, like I was physically turning into the way
my brain was behaving.

F: Are there triggers that can bring on feelings of depression or bipolar

highs?
T: Definitely. Whenever I’m writing or feeling really passionately creative I
can feel myself getting caught up in a mild high period. This can last for a
day, a week, a month. My ‘ups’ are very mild in comparison to what other
people experience and, if I’m honest, I actually enjoy them – the hardest
part is watching out for the lows.
These can be triggered by all sorts of things, although in my life they are
usually set off by the disappointment of not achieving the impossible goal
the ‘high’ me was trying to achieve. So, during the cycle of writing,
recording and then releasing an album, I could quite easily trace my own
cycle of ups and downs that followed the pattern of a yearly cycle of band
life.

F: What does happiness mean to you? How do you access that inner joy
these days?

T: It means everything to me because it’s how I want my kids to see me.

They are my joy and they are the reason I have to be the best version of me
that I can be. I never want them to see me the way I’ve been in the past.
They were totally the inspiration for me to sort my ‘wonky brain’ out and get
my act together. I know it’s not as simple as that for many people but by
that I mean that I went and got help and spoke to people. Talking about
feelings and emotions can be difficult, but I think my life changed the
second I started being more open and honest about it.

F: Thanks for chatting with me today, lovely Tom. I really appreciate your
honesty and time! You’re one top bloke.

T: Aw, thanks! You ain’t so bad yourself! ”

 MENTAL VACATION
Giving yourself a mental vacation is a healing process whether we’ve had tough
times or not. I often find that it’s when I’m on holiday that I have those
breakthrough moments. I either have good ideas for the future or epiphanies
that lead to big change. These moments happen much less frequently at home
when I’m constantly on the go with life and work. Extracting ourselves from our
everyday routines and mental hamster wheel gives us space to think outside the
box and perhaps be a little courageous.
So, how do we get to that place without the luxury of sitting by a pool with
nothing to do? It’s all about finding those short periods of time where you allow
yourself space to breathe, time to heal, recharge and be still. These periods of
time don’t have to be lengthy or anything out of the ordinary. It’s just about
getting used to allowing yourself to BE and not DO. After all, we are human
BEINGS not human DOINGS.

SEEK OUT PATIENCE

Having patience is another wonderful and overlooked tool that can help us in
our quest for a happy balance. I’m sure we can all be honest: we are a
generation of fast-living and demanding people who want an internet
connection that’s fast, shopping delivered quickly, trains to run on time and
adverts fast forwarded, because we simply can’t wait. We seem to have lost the
ability, which means we’re often aggravated.
I do it all the time. I’ll be watching something in real time on TV and when the
adverts hit I’ll reach for my phone for a three-minute whirl of Instagram
stimulation as my impatient mind spins at the idea of having to wait. But having
the discipline to wait for things is a huge gift as the end result always feels
better. It’s that bit sweeter because we have to take the time to understand the
work put in. We also absorb that much more from the experience due to the
diligence needed to trust in the route taken.
I still feel I have many goals to accomplish and places I would like to go with
my working life, but none of it has happened too quickly. It has taken me
twenty years of work to get to where I am today, sitting here typing, and I’m
thankful for every moment. I’ve lost jobs, been told I’m not good enough and
lost all confidence and faith in myself at times. I’m sure at some point you’ve
experienced this in life, too. My approach now is to have faith and trust in the
goal that feels good to me. Wait it out, practice patience and reap rewards in
ways I hadn’t expected.

ACTIVITY
We all place more importance on certain aspects of life, putting more energy into some
over others. Here’s your chance to address that balance.

Divide the first cherry up into the different areas of your life, be that work, school, family,
exercise etc. Give each area the amount of space it currently takes up in your life, like a pie
chart. Then divide the second cherry to your desired balance. What changes can you make
to get your first cherry looking like the second?
 A great example for me was my pregnancy with our second child, Honey
Krissy. It was a treacherous nine-month wait, as I felt excruciatingly sick every
single second of every day. I woke up every morning to a hybrid of seasickness
and food poisoning that was debilitating and all-encompassing.
Reaching my due date and then going over it by three days felt like agony as I
tossed and turned in the night, waves of queasiness drenching my every inch.
But I managed to get out and about by thinking of each day as it came, rather
than a never-ending road of gut-churning minutes and days stretching out
before me.
Having Honey was the most beautiful experience, and I can now look back
and feel a huge sense of wonder that mentally and physically we got through it
together. It has made me appreciate having regular good health and simply
feeling ‘normal’. Understanding that I needed to develop the art of patience –
and still do – was definitely a steep learning curve. But by looking at the bigger
picture, the end game, patience can help us see our way through fears and
pressures in life.
 YOUR ‘PEACEFUL’ PERSON
Another very helpful hand comes in the form of your ‘peaceful’ person. Is there
someone who instantly springs to mind who can calm your negativity in one fell
swoop?
If you don’t instantly recognise this person in your life, then maybe it’s time
to seek one out! They’ll be there waiting for you.
Sometimes you might rather call the person you know will tip your imbalance
further. I am guilty of this for sure. If I’m in a tetchy mood and feeling dramatic,
I know certain people I can call or meet up with who will send me spiralling off
further. But instead I try to turn to people who will bombard me with level-
headed common sense and balance. One particular friend who I’m happy to
mention is my mate Clare. She is a friend who approaches my own personal
dramas with level, peaceful thoughts and truthful, balanced words. She sticks
her head high above my own clouded vision and sees it all with a clarity I’ve lost
along the way. I feel lucky to have her and others in my life who have become
my go-to people when I need a little help. I appreciate these voices in my life
very much, and hope at times I can offer them the same kind of support when
they need it.

ACTIVITY
Life can feel messy and unbalanced at times. Unravel your life imbalances and make peace
with situations you cannot change by writing answers to the questions on the string.
 SAY GOODBYE TO DRAMA
Avoiding drama is also essential on our pilgrimage to the land of balance. At
times I adore a bit of drama; the sort I can dip my toe into – gossip about
people I vaguely know or public figures. But this is very rocky ground to tread.
Before you know it you’ve been sucked in completely and involved yourself in a
story that you had little connection to in the first place but is now making you
unnecessarily agitated or – if you know the people directly – that you now have
to get yourself out of.
It’s ironic, because we waste precious energy commenting on others’ mishaps,
forgetting that we’ve had many of our own. I’ve found surface-level judgement
only attracts the same back, so now I try to remember my own tough times and
mistakes and not judge other people’s. I still fall into the trap of letting others’
stories consume me when I really shouldn’t, but mostly I’m very happy dealing
with my own goings-on and those I love around me. If you want balance, say
goodbye to drama you don’t need.
Then, of course, there is the sort of drama that arrives in your life unbidden
and unexpectedly, and when it happens all you can do is try to navigate your
way out of it with the least possible damage to yourself and your heart. I have
had drama lumped on me at times when I was looking the other way and wasn’t
ready. I don’t react well in these situations and these are likely to be the times
when the big D creeps up behind me and wraps its claws around my mind,
whispering poisonous words in my ear. If depression is on your personal radar,
you’ll know moments like this will shortcut you to a place you hoped you
wouldn’t revisit in a hurry. It was after my particularly dark patch had lightened
and cleared that I knew I needed to say goodbye to self-inflicted drama forever.
Balance: an equation of patience, self confidence and discipline. We’ll
naturally sway off of it at times, but if we know the route back, we’ll be okay.
 SUMMARY
TUNE INTO YOU.
Don’t compare your wants or your time with other people’s. Do what you want to do and make
peace with FOMO.

YOUR INNER BAROMETER.

Listen to your gut. Understand your needs and breaking points and be aware of them.

TAKE TIME TO STOP.

Look around you. Try to be patient. Make space for the good stuff.

OceanofPDF.com
 ACTIVITY

WHAT DOES HAPPY BALANCE LOOK LIKE

TO YOU?
Write one word or draw a picture here that sums it up

OceanofPDF.com
 HAPPY NOW
What is it like to actually BE in the NOW? How does it feel you to you? Without looking forward to
something, regretting the past, covering tracks or thinking ahead, how do you actually feel? What can
you hear, smell and see? How does your body feel? Being in the NOW brings you back inside your body,
rather than continuously projecting forwards or backwards. The NOW is very powerful and allows you to
invite all of those emotions and sensations in, rather than dulling them and ignoring them because your
head is elsewhere.

RIGHT NOW . . .
I’m currently enjoying a full tummy from eating my dinner, my nose is taking in
all of those foodie smells that make me feel at home and my body feels like it
has done a lot over the past few days. It feels like it has had adventures and now
needs a bit of rest. I’m happily writing away which sends my creative flow off in
a nice rhythm that makes me feel calm.
As soon as I start to veer off and think ahead and beyond I can feel a slight
anxiety fill my bones as I have a lot of work on tomorrow as well as caring for
the kids and getting my house to look less like a jumble sale. This all feels
chaotic and slightly overwhelming. I find bringing it back to the NOW is the
key to calming those nerves and enjoying life in real time. Time feels as if it
almost slows down as I savour every inhale and exhale.
Living in the moment doesn’t necessarily feel that natural to us in this fast-
paced day and age, does it? The future might seem tempting and limitless –
where change is possible and dreams can manifest – or scary and chaotic as the
unknown road ahead looks bleak and empty. Likewise, the past can bring us so
much joy as we recall rose-tinted memories of blissful times where worries
didn’t exist and the sun shone constantly; but it can also be a place full of terror
and regret that shouts so loudly you feel compelled to look back. But the
NOW is neutral. It holds no overwhelming emotion or concern, and I feel its
importance and significance is often overlooked.

THE PROS AND CONS OF NOSTALGIA

For example, I don’t know about you, but I’m terribly nostalgic. Good times I’ve
had play out like a grainy movie with a delicious, harmonious soundtrack. A
more relaxed me wafts through these scenes in a carefree manner, laughing
and falling in love with everything around me. Sunsets were watched, drinks
were drunk, adventure was ripe and the focus was soft.
 I love reminiscing about certain points of my life that make me remember
the carefree parts of my makeup that I can still easily access but sometimes
get lost in the fog of family organising and work schedules. It’s unlikely I’ll pluck
a memory of me booking train tickets or choosing a loaf of bread in the
supermarket if I feel nostalgic, so my natural setting for reminiscing is to log
into a seemingly ‘better time’.
Dipping into a previous slice of your life is a joy, and is harmless as long as
you remember that the version of you then is no better or worse than the one
now. You have the capabilities and strength to be in control of your happiness
NOW, just like you did back then. Don’t compare your past to your NOW.
Comparing always drains you. You’ll tie yourself in knots as your sepia-tone
memories outshine the possibilities of the NOW.

ACTIVITY
We all have memories or situations that feel traumatic to recall. We bury them deep and
try to forget, only for them to then jump out from the dark when we least expect. Here is
the chance to acknowledge, accept and make peace with them.

What memory or thought brings discomfort to you?

Which one word describes how this makes you feel?

 ..............................

And what one thing, even if very tiny, do you feel you’ve learned from that experience:

When this feeling or memory creeps up again try and shortcut to the lesson. That is the
bit you can take away with your head held high. We can’t make bad times disappear but
we can twist our perspective to look at the tiny silver lining if we choose.

These feel-good scenes can also easily be pushed to one side by my own
inner horror movie. This is the handful of memories that creep up when I’m
feeling low or have a lack of confidence. They’re there to tell me that I’m not
good enough, that I’ve made bad decisions and that I don’t deserve what I have.
Like most people, I have a list of regrets and moments I would have played very
differently today. Remembering them brings on a physical reaction that sees
my skin redden, my shoulder muscles tighten and my throat contract.
Sometimes even the smallest regret can have this effect, as I worry and
replay a mistake I’ve made at work until it becomes ten times bigger. This
thought then dominates my confidence and self-belief as all positivity
evaporates in a second. These mistakes swallow past work achievements and
accolades in one sloppy bite.
 Most of us have moments, no matter how big or tiny, that affect us greatly in
life. It’s inevitable that we will all make mistakes and experience things that we
wish we hadn’t. These good and bad memories will always live and breathe in
our minds but it’s how much we let them affect our everyday lives that is
important. Do we let these thoughts and stories define us? Or can we see
them for what they are: moments. Slices of time that occurred, had a
directional purpose in our lives, then moved and changed into a new moment.
How do we stop bad memories from affecting our experience of TODAY? I
think the answer lies in simplicity. One deep breath, one moment where you
notice how things feel, smell and look around you, one positive thought to
combat the negative story and one second where you remember that right
now, in this moment, everything is just fine.

DON’T LET THE PAST RULE YOUR

DECISIONS
I think it’s important to aim to make decisions and react to those around us
from the NOW rather than the past. For example, maybe there’s someone in
your life who has constantly rubbed you up the wrong way and made you feel
angry and agitated. When you see them and they say something that grates,
you might be falling into your pattern of reacting in a negative way, as you’re
making that decision based on a past memory.
Maybe you worry too much in life. You are scared of flying or terrified you’ll
get ill. These fears often have their roots in the past. Maybe you had a
frightening moment in the air, or saw those around you ill and scared
somewhere along the way.
All of these past moments make up a pattern that you easily fall into as they
become ‘your ways’. ‘I’m Fearne and I get overwhelmed when things seem
chaotic. I get anxious when people judge me and am scared of picking up the
phone when it rings as I expect it’s bad news.’ All of these characteristics feel
bespoke to and part of me, whereas in fact they are all patterns I’ve picked up
from past events. I grew up in a very ordered home where my mum kept the
house neat and tidy which I guess felt safe and comforting to me, so now I have
a need for order and to feel in control. I get anxious about people judging me
because of years of being in the public eye and hearing many home truths as
well as misinformed tales. I have had several devastating phone calls that have
made me feel like the world was spinning in slow motion. This is why I hate to
pick up my loudly ringing phone. My friends know to text or email me for a
quick and happy response.
These aren’t truths about who I am, they’re patterns I’ve picked up from the
past. If I can actually sit in the NOW and be in the moment by remembering
that they aren’t in control of me – I am in control of them – I know deep down
it doesn’t matter if the house is a bit of a mess, I know that people’s opinions of
me actually have no bearing on my life and self-worth, I know that the phone
call could be from a happy friend who wants to say ‘hi’.
The wonderful thing is, finding that awareness in a moment of panic, fear or
worry could just be enough to start breaking these personal habits and
patterns.

ACTIVITY

So long as we remember they are not more powerful than the now, recalling memories
which fill you with joy is wonderful.

What five memories make you beam to recall?

1)

2)

3)

4)
 5)

LOOKING AHEAD
Like many people out there, I get very caught up in ‘the me of the future’. This
version of me is carefree, more relaxed, laughing, mortgage-free, self-doubt
free and living in a hot country.
It’s fun and exciting to have these dreams and aspirations but I try not to let
them define who I am today. Aiming high and having goals is exciting and buzzy
as long as you know that the you of the future is no different from the person
you are now. You may attain all you dreamed of, but there are no guarantees of
happiness afterwards. You may achieve great success, own a home, complete a
degree, get a job promotion – but still not feel any happier inside. We all get
caught up in the fantasy of the future and how we will feel but this is the
unknown – daily happiness has to come from the NOW. What we do doesn’t
make us who we are: it’s very much how you do it, and the enjoyment you get
from it daily. Reaching the end of the rainbow doesn’t mean you’ll be met by a
better version of yourself, whereas getting happy NOW means you’ll enjoy the
whole journey a lot more!
If the future is a scary prospect to you then even more reason anchoring
yourself in the present moment will be positive for you. If thinking ahead
makes you feel as if a vast expanse of life lies in front of you without a plot, try
sitting in the now. Let the fear dissipate and leave room for other emotions and
energy. Again, it’s about taking that brief moment to look around you, smell
the coffee in the cup next to you, feel the clothes against your skin, look out of
the window at the birds flying in the sky and be in the NOW.
 WHEN YOU DON’T WANT TO BE IN
THE ‘NOW’
When we are going through tough times, being in the moment can be beyond
uncomfortable, as all we want to do is escape our current mental location. This
is when we reach for a numbing tool: food, alcohol, spending, gossiping, self-
sabotage, judgement of others. They’re all an attempt to get out of the now. If
I feel edgy in the now, I want to eat snacks to numb my mind, I want to drink
coffee to feel buzzy and I want to run to feel I’m moving out of the space I
currently occupy. These are the things I turn to when I have this agitated
sensation. Yet what I probably need in these moments is human connection.
Sharing worries or a hug to release the tension. There’s much more on this in
the HAPPY SHARED chapter.

The singular thought I try to focus on in these times of discomfort is that this
moment will expire. Like the cycle of day turning into night, or the circular
motion of an inhale and exhale, this moment will come to a natural end. That’s
where change begins and something new is born. This thought somehow takes
the pressure off and lets me relax in the knowledge that things change and bad
times pass.
The tricky part of this is accepting the same with the good times. I have
trouble letting go of those magical moments, as I want to hold on to them and
keep them captive forever. But I like to think of those snippets of time as a
perfume. Its delicious and intoxicating smell fades gradually until you can’t
detect its notes at all. It was beautiful and all-encompassing and then it faded.
That’s why these good times ARE so special – it’s because they have an
expiration date. They can’t last forever and they remain dreamlike because
they come to an end. When we try to squeeze the life out of a good moment
we hinder its ability to breathe and drift in and out of our lives naturally. We
must have faith that more of these divine love bubbles will float into our lives
again. Be ready for the good and bad times with open arms, knowing they’ll
exist and then expire. In the meantime, all we can do is be in the NOW and
take that big look around us.

ACTIVITY

Dreading future plans or situations can heap anxiety and fear right into your lap. If there’s
something that’s worrying you, share it here.
 What can you do or change to help diminish this fear?

Great – do it! If you can’t make any changes, accept that, but know you DO have the
strength and determination to get through what is ahead. Colour in the rising sunshine to
add a bit of joy to your upcoming scenario.

DON’T RUSH AHEAD

At some point, we all rush ahead thinking: when that scary exam is over next
week, ‘I’ll be okay’ when that difficult impending conversation I need to have is
done with, ‘I’ll be okay’. We speed through life wishing time and moments
away, expecting to reach a happy, safe place. We are speeding up our own lives
with this way of thinking. Do you remember the summer holidays when you
were a kid? Six whole weeks off from school, which felt like six months?
Endless days of sunshine and hanging with mates with the start of the next
school year seeming so far off in the distance? That’s because kids live in the
moment, enjoying each fun pastime then moving onto the next one. Now time
seems to whizz by because we are constantly looking ahead.
We can slow down our own experience and savour what life has to offer if we
just sit in the now a little more often. In the present, our minds are clearer and
not crammed tight with past and future anxieties. We can make decisions from
a place of clarity and feel calm even when things seem chaotic around us.
Stress is reduced and the feeling of being overwhelmed fades into the
background. To me, that feels like a happy place to be.
 ACTIVITY
Stop worrying about the past and fearing the future and get in to the NOW! Don’t over-
think these answers. Write down what instinctively comes to mind in this very moment:

Pick one thing you can see around you . . .

What can you smell . . .

How does your body feel . . .

What’s positive about this very moment . . .

HELLO TO . . . KRIS
Every now and then in life, you stumble across someone who becomes very
important in your story, and changes your outlook. Meeting Kris Hallenga
was one of those golden moments for me. I had been on a Breast Cancer
Care trek across Peru with a group of incredible cancer survivors, and one
particular fellow trekking lady I got chatting to told me about the great
support she had received from Kris and her charity, CoppaFeel! Kris was
diagnosed with breast cancer in her twenties after initial misdiagnoses, and
now makes it her life mission to get young women to know and check their
breasts regularly. Her tireless work has helped thousands of women – and
men – avoid going through what she herself had to endure.
After meeting Kris and witnessing her determination, tenacity and angel-
like energy, I not only became a patron for CoppaFeel! but also gained a
great friend. Kris and I have had many wonderful afternoons drinking coffee
and chatting about life (cake makes an appearance quite a lot, too), we’ve
danced wildly at my wedding, brainstormed ideas and future fantasies, and
laughed a lot. Each time I hang out with Kris she inspires me in so many
ways and breathes optimism and hope to all corners of the conversation.
She faces problems, fears and nightmares head-on with courage, thought
and grace.
We run events with Coppafeel! throughout the year but my favourite
event is our annual music festival, Festifeel. Each year it grows and gains
bigger headliners, more support from strangers and more smiles from the
dancing revellers – and it all started as a single idea in Kris’s head. It blows
my mind each time I see these huge, love-filled CoppaFeel! events taking
place. What a beauty she is and how lucky I am to have her as my friend.

“ KRIS: At twenty-two I was pretty miserable. Okay, maybe that’s rather a

strong word, but I certainly wouldn’t have called myself ‘happy’ at the time.
I was in a horrible relationship with a manipulative boy who made me feel
worthless, I wanted a career in travel but just didn’t know how to go about
it, and my twin sister was a hotshot garden designer in a happy relationship.
In short: I thought my life sucked. I guess I couldn’t call myself happy back
then, because I really didn’t know what that word meant. I had been a
happy child and a happy teenager, but when I hit twenty life became more
of a pressure and, really, I couldn’t stand to grow up.
 At twenty-three I was diagnosed with incurable advanced breast cancer,
and suddenly life and LIVING took on a whole new meaning. It shone a
bright light on my mortality and what I still had to achieve while I was alive.
I was no longer with my boyfriend and no longer felt I needed a man to
make me happy– with cancer in tow, I had to start thinking about ME, how
I could stay well, how I could fill my days with fun, good people and things
that made me happy.
I started a charity called CoppaFeel! to ultimately ensure no one was
dealt the same cards as me: being told they couldn’t be cured because their
cancer was found so late. I ploughed all my energy and time into the charity
just two months after I was diagnosed and the buzz I felt when we got
charity status is still the buzz I have today: it’s the exhilaration that I believe
has kept me alive this long (I’m now thirty, FYI). With cancer and running a
charity I woke up every morning (okay, not EVERY morning) with a very
good reason to get up. I lost a boob and the chance of a long life, but found
a purpose. I have surrounded myself with wonderful people – because less
than wonderful just won’t do any more. I can steer my way to happiness
much more clearly now than I could before cancer. I am more confident,
which I would have liked to think has something to do with getting older,
but I am content with my cyclops-boob body, my life, my mortality. But
you know what? It shouldn’t take cancer or in fact any shitty disease to
make you realise how precious and wonderful life is; how being happy
matters; how all the small meaningless shit doesn’t.
But I would say I am the happiest I have ever been now, and although I
don’t recommend you all get cancer (it really is not fun, despite the hype) I
truly hope you too can find happiness before, during and after whatever life
throws at you. And check your boobs while you’re at it. ”
 SUMMARY
THE PAST.
Enjoy your memories but don’t let them rule you.

THE FUTURE.
Dream as you will but know happiness starts here, not there.

THE PRESENT.
Breathe it in and see what it has to offer. Enjoy its clarity, space and calm.

OceanofPDF.com
 ACTIVITY

WHAT DOES HAPPY NOW LOOK LIKE TO

YOU?
Write one word or draw a picture here that sums it up

OceanofPDF.com
 HAPPY FACE
Although happiness will always be found on the inside, our exterior has to be looked at, too. Our exterior
is our projection. It’s how we want to be perceived and can give a lot or little away. This chapter is not
about make-up or vanity, but instead takes a step into the home of self-expression. It explores how we
choose to display our true colours, or false ones, when needed. A lot of this, of course, lies in the mirror-
laden underworld, more commonly known as social media . . .

HAPPY ‘YOU’
How we look and dress can cause judgement on first sight. It can be a red
herring that leads people to assume one thing about you while being distracted
from another. Deciding how we want to look can be fun, but it can also be
stressful and take up too much of our brain space.
When I was in my twenties I had a huge crisis of character. I felt I was too
boring and too square to be desirable or fun, so felt the need to create a ‘look’
that made me seem more daring and adventurous than I truly felt. The first
step was getting tattoos. It felt rebellious and exciting and, I thought, would
surely make me look more that way inclined. I love most of my tattoos, as they
remind me of particular chapters of my life and the people I’ve met, but some
came from that place of wanting to feel more ‘interesting’. Others later down
the line came from a more considered place, and are much more a marker of a
moment. I smile every time I look at those ones.
At this time of tattoos and rebellious behaviour I made friends with a group
of cool kids and acted the part, although most of the time I secretly desired to
be in bed with a book. I’ve had a lot of fun over the years but going out to clubs
and bars has not necessarily felt that natural to me. I did it a lot in my twenties,
but it never felt carefree and comfortable. It felt much more like something I
should do to fit in, or be ‘normal’ (whatever that is).
I then dyed my hair every possible colour, imagining that I would then feel
like a different person: someone who was fun and kooky and not so unnerved
by the nighttime. It’s only now that I write these words for the first time that I
realise how much I don’t like the nighttime. I love going to bed, and sleeping
and relaxing, but going out at night never feels comfortable to me. The daytime
feels fresh and new and full of opportunity, whereas the nighttime can feel
tiring and a bit scary, although I can’t put my finger on why. Pushing against
this wariness of nighttime in my late teens and twenties makes me realise now
how far from my own truth I was. I dressed, acted, and even started to think
like someone else.
 I view this decade, from our teens to our mid-twenties, as an experimental
era. One where we are working out how we fit into the world, and how the
world works around us. It’s part of the adventure; finding out what makes you
tick and what feels right to you. I just wish I had had the courage to be a bit
more . . . well . . . ME! Most people find their way out of it sooner or later, but
if you’re stuck in a similar place now and have a desire to act in a more natural
way to you, then go for it. If your actions are coming from a desire to please
those around you or to simply fit in, work out how your life would change if you
just did things your way. How scary is it to just be you?

FIND YOUR OWN PEACOCK FEATHERS

I still love to experiment with hair colour, clothes and make-up, but now I’m
not hoping it’ll make me feel like someone else, I’m doing it all for fun: the fun
of showing my peacock feathers and what I want others to see. On days when I
feel confident, I’ll dress in bright colours and clashing prints. On days where I
have a nerve-wracking job, I may dress in an outfit that makes me feel strong
and empowered. On days when I’m feeling blue or overwhelmed, I’ll blend into
the backdrop of life in black and baggy clothes that I can disappear into. I love
that as humans we can be chameleons with the image we project, and how
adapting that image can make us behave differently, too.
My heroes of popular culture, past and present, are all mavericks; individuals
who don’t (or didn’t) give a hoot about what others think. David Bowie, Debbie
Harry, Grace Jones, John Lennon, Jimi Hendrix, Vivienne Westwood, Beth
Ditto, Tilda Swinton and Pam Hogg. They dress and present themselves in a
unique way that causes reaction at every turn. Their style and confidence is
admired and copied, and gossiped about and judged. They do this without fear
and have no regard for the rest of the crowd. What a personally powerful place
they must be in. My heroes walk through crowds, head held high and with an
inner confidence, all honest and clearly enjoying every minute. Amen to that. I
care much less what people think of me these days, but I would be lying if I said
I was fearless. I like the visually quirkier side of life, but do feel I should tone
things down sometimes so as not to be judged or berated. One friend of mine,
who is the most adventurous and charismatic dresser, admitted recently that
she – like me – sometimes tones it down at parties so as to prevent people
staring and making judgements. To me, she seems fearless and full of fun, but
she still has doubts and boundaries caused by what others might think. So, if
that sounds like you, you’re not alone!

ACTIVITY
Write down who your hero is. Someone who encourages you to release your inner
maverick. Someone who goes against the grain for the good of themselves and others.
Someone who shines no matter what.
 FIND YOUR INNER FREAK
So get to know your own inner freak and invite them out to play. It takes balls
to be unapologetically ‘you’ and project yourself from a truthful place: you
need immense courage to speak your mind, go against the grain and present
yourself in your own, bespoke way. But it also makes you feel very alive.
I fear that in this day and age we are all pushed and bullied into feeling like
we have to act and look a certain way to ‘fit in’ or not be pulled apart by others.
Welcome to the not so great part of social media.

THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY

OF SOCIAL MEDIA
I am forever thankful that I started my career when I was fifteen, before the
age of social media. I would go to work, have loads of fun, be happy if the show
went well (or slightly disgruntled for a short while if it didn’t), then I would get
on with my day. In those days, if someone was watching TV or listening to the
radio, they would – I’m sure – have had just as many opinions about what they
were watching or listening to, but these thoughts would remain in their head,
or maybe spoken aloud to a friend then forgotten. These days, if someone is
watching TV or listening to music, those reactions are frequently expressed
online for all to see. They remain, and they have staying – and even spreading
– power. Once written and shared, words seem to intensify, strenghtening
their meaning and intent.
Today, everyone is on show. We have Facebook, Instagram, Twitter,
Snapchat, blogs and vlogs, and even if YOU don’t engage with these social
media platforms you’ll probably end up on someone else’s at some point. We
are a culture of sharers. There’s something lovely about this sharing – it’s
exciting and explorative – but its evil twin sister, judgement, looms large, too.
We compare, scrutinise and see a small snapshot as something so much more.
I love whizzing through people’s profiles, catching up with gossip on Twitter
and generally procrastinating and escaping from my own reality. I enjoy looking
at people’s lives, getting inspired by clothing, drooling over food people have
cooked and laughing at funny photos people have posted. I also love sharing
parts of my own life online too. I enjoy having that control over how people
view me and what I chose to portray. Instead of my life and stories being
second-hand news from others’ whispers, I can put my own opinions and ideas
out there without the middle man’s misinterpretation. There is something very
powerful about having a community of people you haven’t met all having a
conversation about subjects you chose to put out there. It’s interesting and
engaging and I love that side of social media.
But sometimes I fall into the trap; I know the rules, I know the superficial
truth of it, yet somehow I slip down that treacherous slope and get sucked into
its fantasy world. And that’s exactly what it is – a fantasy. When we watch a
film at the cinema we can clearly distinguish between reality and fantasy. We
know that the really hot lead actor is making us feel all gooey inside but equally
we know we don’t stand a chance with him and that’s okay. We can fall
hopelessly into a storyline, then leave the cinema and go back to our normal
lives without taking that fantasy world with us.
With social media we all seem awfully confused, viewing what we see on the
screen as hard fact. I’ve done it so many times: I’ll be in bed early on a Friday
night after a long and lovely day with my young children. I’ll feel happy yet
exhausted and so ready for a night of sleep in my old T-shirt and big pants. Just
one look at Instagram won’t hurt . . . will it? A constant supply of gorgeous
people, dressed immaculately, looking so carefree and like they’re having so
much fun, while I’m in bed at 9.30pm and haven’t even bothered to put proper
pyjamas on. Therein lies the deathly vacuum of comparison and self-loathing.
The little voice starts off quietly:
‘I never bother going out any more, I am no fun at all. Look at my awful
pyjamas that aren’t even pyjamas. Everyone else is out there having a blast and
they have the energy to do it. I am pathetic, here in bed at nine thirty on a
Friday night.’
You scroll down further and see a famous face looking incredible in a bikini on
a beach, eating a burger. The voice starts again . . .
‘AS IF SHE IS EATING A BURGER! She has abs like corrugated iron. And .
. . oh dear . . . look at my mum-gut. It looks like a deflated balloon the day after
a party. I really should have gone to the gym tonight instead of reading Vogue.
This weather is so awful too, why don’t I live in a sunny climate where I can
wear kaftans rather than duffle coats for ten months of the year . . .
unbearable.’ You are thrown between comparison and judgement, self-
destructively swinging from one to the other.
Why don’t we all look at these moments of other people’s lives and see them
as fantasy, like we do when we watch a film at the cinema? Plus, those
gorgeous people at the party may just have had the most awful day. They may
be clutching that rather large cocktail for dear life as they wash away their
inner turmoil; they may really not like the person they are cuddling in the shot,
and wish they had not worn those really tight trousers as their period has just
started and they feel really bloated. Hot famous face on the beach with her
burger may feel incredibly insecure, as she is judged solely by her looks. She
tucks into her burger, wishing others would look beneath the skin to see who
she really is. She might be on holiday, soul-searching as she had some bad news
before she left, and actually the sun is rather too hot and has given her an
excruciating headache. Who knows . . . it was a moment. It passed and it should
hold no other significance other than: it happened.
 You may have seen photos on my own social media channels that have made
you think I have it all sorted. Well, let me reiterate that I most certainly do not.
As I write this book I’m still learning to live in this way. I’m learning to take a
step back, to look at what’s really going on and to react accordingly. There may
be a photo or two of me on social media that I’ve posted where I’m in a lovely
frock and happen to be smiling in a flattering way. I guarantee you that an hour
before those shots were taken I was struggling to get my three-year-old to eat
dinner while my daughter smeared her pasta-sauce-covered hands up the wall,
while I simultaneously tried to take a quick urgent work call and also
desperately needed a wee. That was the reality of my day, not the shot of me in
a nice dress. It’s all completely misleading if taken seriously. With social media
we can portray ourselves and our lives however we wish, underplaying or
exaggerating what we wish, for all to believe.

DANCE TO YOUR OWN BEAT

Alongside this self-comparison and judgement comes the fear of dancing to
our own beat. We get scared to be different. It’s like being back at school where
you’re very aware of everyone around you and how they’re acting. Selfies
should be taken at a certain angle, anything remotely imperfect should be
hidden, and clothing should be a certain way so that the LIKE icon is pressed as
many times as possible.
This element of social media drives me mad. Firstly, I worry that younger
generations, who have been born in the era of social media, will base their own
self-worth on how many LIKEs they receive. This new currency is dangerous:
we should all want to do things because they feel meaningful and in tune with
our hearts rather than because everyone else likes it.
 Secondly, I worry that anything ‘different’ or ‘unique’ is viewed as negative.
But why on earth would we all want to be the same as each other? We should
celebrate our unique features and show the world how great they are.
I sometimes wonder if we’ve forgotten that beauty is subjective. When did
the lines blur so much that beauty now seems to be one particular thing, a list
of requirements that has to be met? If we all shared the same opinion of what
beauty is, then we would all be desperately fighting for the same life partners,
friends, and stuff. Beauty is of course a word we define personally: our own
instincts push us towards people and things that have a magic around them
that can’t be explained. I worry that the way we are using social media will
eventually make this theory extinct. It holds up one type of acceptable beauty,
whether that be a person’s face, a collection of objects, an outfit or an idea.
Anyone who dares to show their own version of beauty is criticised, and told
they don’t fit in. Everyone is entitled to an opinion but, on social media,
comments are often written as definitive facts: ‘that’s not beautiful’, ‘that’s
ugly’, ‘that’s horrible’. But beauty is subjective; someone out there will think
the subject at hand IS beautiful.

I have relatively unattractive feet, which doesn’t hinder me or bother me in

any way, but if I ever post a photo of them, to show off a luscious pair of shoes,
I get several comments about the state of my feet. Now, I’m very proud of my
feet. They’ve kept me walking for thirty-four years so far and allow me to run,
dance, do yoga, oh . . . and wear those dreamy shoes. But apparently, because
my feet don’t resemble those in a nail varnish advert, they’re labeled as ‘bad’.
Luckily, I’m old enough and have been through enough real trauma in life not
to worry about people’s judgement of my slightly squished and bulbous little
toe, but I’d be lying if I said other general comments don’t bother me. If people
view my social media and write a comment that I feel doesn’t correlate with
either the story I was trying to tell or the actual truth, I feel hurt and out of
control. If someone says I’m bad at my job, I feel dented and my ego speaks up
in an angry, pained voice. I am affected by it but after a while, once I’ve had a
chance to process it, I find myself able to locate where that hurt is coming
from. I now know that it’s not about the person that threw their own fears my
way, it’s coming from a deeper, tucked away corner of my mind where I share
those same thoughts and feelings about myself. We are all our own worst
critics, and I can recognise this and work through that acute fear and move on
a lot quicker than I used to.
I know some people are affected more severely by these sorts of comments
online, however, so I believe understanding these weird stereotypes and rules
set by social media is crucial. If we know that modern-day stereotypes are just
that, and that we don’t have to conform to them – well I think that is liberating
and freeing. Remember to go with those moments when you FEEL beautiful,
when you FEEL happy and glowing from the inside: these moments are the
ones worth celebrating and sharing.
Be brave, be bold, be you, and dance to your own beat.

ACTIVITY
Judgement and unkind words towards us is tricky terrain to navigate. Working out where
those words came from, and why they were spoken, helps to dilute these negative feelings
and move on from it all.

How did you feel the last time someone said something negative about you?
 What do you think made them say it? (Hint . . . it’ll be more about them than it is about
you )

DIGITAL DETOX
I don’t know about you, but I think most of us spend too much time on our
phones, or looking at screens. We use them to communicate, procrastinate,
shop, search, view. It can be a lot of fun, but can also have a negative effect on
our lives, not just because of all the comparisons we make with all our Insta-
friends, but also because it makes it tricky to concentrate on being in the
NOW. It’s non-stop, so knowing when to put those screens away is vital.
Having kids makes this much easier, as when I’m looking after them both it’s
near impossible to have a free hand or eye to look at my phone. But, at other
times, I often need to be reminded to put my phone down. Before bed I try to
not look at social media, as I know it’ll spark my thoughts off in several
directions when it should be headed down a calm, one-way street to sleep land.

ACTIVITY
Choose a time that feels right to step away from your phone. Physically place your phone
over the outline on this page and don’t touch it for a whole hour. See how you feel, what
thoughts arose and how much you saw around you without your phone. A good old daily
digital detox does us all the world of good. We switch off from a world of media and see
what’s going on around us with clarity. Give it a try!

I also think phones and mealtimes shouldn’t go together. When you’re having
dinner with your family or friends, the phone needs to take a back seat, so that
you can communicate with your companions and read their faces as well as
hear their words. I also think it’s good to go cold turkey for certain periods of
time, just to see if it changes your mindset. One year, when my husband Jesse
and I were on holiday, we had our phones stolen. This happened on the first
night, so for over a week we had no access to social media, no cameras and
limited communication tools. It felt horrible and disconcerting at first, but
after about three days I felt so much calmer and much more in the moment.
We have no photos of this trip, but instead I have vivid, sun-kissed memories
and I love that having no photos to share makes the holiday almost feel secret.
Those memories are for us to reminisce about and not for the consumption of
anyone else. I love sharing photos, but that unexpected (and unwanted)
experiment had many surprising upsides. Perhaps you know you’re on your
phone too much and are intrigued about what it would feel like to experience
spans of time without a flurry of communication and thumb ache. If so, give
the digital detox above a go.

ACTIVITY
What’s perfect got to do with it?
I’m flawed. I make mistakes. I have hurt people. I sometimes judge others. I say stupid
things. I go red easily. I have been naive. I have regrets (and a couple of regrettable
tattoos). I often don’t like how I look in photos. I’ve been drunk for the wrong reasons. I
can be impatient. I lose perspective at times.
Who doesn’t?
This is me.
Now write your own list here . . .

Then celebrate them!

YOUR TRUE COLOURS

Have you noticed how young children have no filters or concerns as to what’s
going on around them? They splash in puddles, shout when they want
something, dress in loud colours, speak honestly and openly, and don’t think
ahead. There’s much we can learn from this. I watch my own children and
stepchildren and admire how their minds work as they move from one fun
moment to the next, constantly seeking joy and fun without inhibitions.
Showing our true colours, in whatever way we can, is vital to being authentic
and deep-down happy. Doing things your own way and braving it is thrilling and
exciting. Friends of mine that have this courageous streak are my most
inspiring heroes in life: friends who have been honest about and proud of their
sexuality; friends who have fought illness with courage and sent out strong,
loud messages for others to take note of; and friends who have gone against
the grain and followed their heart, whether that’s taken them abroad or to
areas of work that seem less stable or comfortable.
 Personally, I’ve always been drawn to doing things a bit differently, as it
encompasses a sense of freedom and liberation I can’t find elsewhere. I like to
surprise people, and even myself, by going with my gut and doing things my
way. When I was just seventeen I saved and saved until I could afford a flight to
go and meet my cousins in America that we, as a family, had lost touch with. I’d
only ever corresponded by letter with my cousin who is the same age as me,
and had no idea how the whole experience would play out (having never met
them before). Neither I nor my parents had left Europe, so the whole idea
seemed slightly bonkers at the time. I only panicked once, when the plane was
landing in Los Angeles, but I’m so glad I followed my gut and sense of
adventure, as I’m now great friends with that side of the family and have been
out to visit my cousin several times since. That trip remains treasured in my
memory bank: the teenage me sitting in an old-school American diner sipping
cherry cola while eating fried zucchini, just one of many new and strange
experiences that felt thrilling and expansive. I can reminisce fondly and
remember how exciting life can be when you embrace your true colours.
But when I look back, I know there are lots of times when I haven’t: I’ve
taken on certain jobs because I felt everyone else would think it looked good.
I’ve bitched about people to feel accepted in certain circles. I’ve gone along
with others’ opinions so as not to rock the boat. I’ve been sucked into obsessing
about what I should be achieving and doing, and then felt the inevitable self-
loathing as I realise I don’t match up to others. I’ve spoken words that weren’t
from the heart; said things that I thought were right but that were not real or
true. These are all moments I look back at with a crippling cringe. They bring
out a physical reaction in me, as I know I wasn’t being true to myself. Even
writing this book has brought on huge sweats of panic, as I lose my way and fall
into a well of self-doubt and fear. My mind has whirred with worries that others
will mock me for my efforts or rubbish my stories and ways of thinking. When I
get back on track I remember that fundamentally this is all coming from the
heart so, whether it’s viewed positively or negatively, it has felt very right to
me.

That’s all you can do in life. Follow what you believe to be true and it will always
lead you back to that place of happiness and light.
I will never be one of those people who has no regrets, but I will hopefully,
one day, get to a place where I can make peace with all of them. I will be able to
see them as precarious stepping stones that have led me to where I need to be.
They’ve fast-tracked a lesson I needed to learn and made me stop and digest
what’s going on around me. I’m not quite there yet, as some of these
inauthentic moments still cause me to flush when I recall them. Maybe this
place of acceptance comes in time, with age, experience, and life laundry. We
grow, learn and accept so that we can move through life with ease and
precision and can make the most of this precious time we have here on planet
Earth. I look forward to when I can look back and accept it all: the good, the
bad and the inauthentic.

SPEAK UP AND LIVE FEARLESSLY

Lastly, the tricky bit. If we don’t want people to make snap judgements about
us, then we shouldn’t make snap judgements about them. When people are
acting differently to how you deem appropriate it is hard not to cast them as
the villain in your story. Unfortunately, there will always be people out there
who are not acting from the heart and will cause others pain and suffering by
their actions; someone you don’t know or people that feature in your own
personal narrative. Maybe you don’t agree with a family member’s way of
thinking, or a friend’s behaviour or means of expression. Rather than view what
they are doing as wrong, I think it’s better to try and see it from their
viewpoint. Why have their decisions felt right to them? Are they acting from
an authentic place, driven by love? If not, then why not? What are they scared
of? Asking these questions has helped me to understand others better and not
vilify them.
We all get a slight kick from pointing out other people’s mistakes in life,
probably because it makes our own less prominent. Unfortunately, it doesn’t
work like that at all. It doesn’t make our own mistakes vanish, nor does it make
us any better as individuals. If you can recognise mistakes or cracks in other
people’s lives, surely it’s far better to think back to your own, and acknowledge
why you made those choices at that time. You might then find peace with your
own miscalculations in life.
I endeavour to act from the heart. If you feel doing the same will bring joy
and happiness into your life, why not give it a go, too. Why not speak up and
say your heart-felt bit when people in your friendship circle talk negatively of
others? Why not do things that make you happy, even if they’re not the norm?
Why not wear what you really want to, so that you can show how you’re feeling
inside? Why not live life fearlessly? I’m certainly going to keep on trying.

ACTIVITY
THE MOST AUTHENTIC YOU
Doing what truly floats your boat will always allow you to be the most authentic version of
YOU and in turn feel a lot happier in life. Write down a wish or hope on the stepping
stones, no matter how big or tiny, and know that they’ll get you that bit closer to the
authentic you who is led by the heart.

SUMMARY
SHOW YOUR PEACOCK FEATHERS.
Work out what feels right to you, and don’t be afraid to show it.

UNDERSTAND SOCIAL MEDIA.

Recognise it’s not a reflection of real life; it’s just a snapshot.

STRIVE FOR THE AUTHENTIC YOU.

Learn from the past, steer away from negativity and be fearless.

OceanofPDF.com
 ACTIVITY

WHAT DOES HAPPY FACE LOOK LIKE TO

YOU?
Write one word or draw a picture here that sums it up

OceanofPDF.com
 HAPPY CHOICES
Being free to make choices is what makes life exciting. We are able to change our lives, head off in a new
direction and change our state of mind if we wish. A millisecond. That’s all it takes. A fraction of time
where you stop and make a choice, commit to it and feel at peace with it. If we even start to be aware of
the power of this small dot of time, it can be a huge game-changer.

THE POWER OF CHOICE

Having choice is the ultimate freedom, but sometimes we forget we have it,
especially when life is tough and change and choice seem to go out of the
window. When you don’t like something in life, are you the sort of person who
feels like change is impossible and uncomfortable? Or do you go about making
changes to see where that takes you? It’s not always easy, and sometimes we
are trapped in situations which can take a long slog to untangle ourselves from.
But when I’ve managed to take control of a bad situation and initiate change,
even if it’s a tiny one, I’ve felt safer, more balanced and happier; you don’t have
to think too big on this one. Just remember you have the freedom to make
changes and have every right to enjoy the power of those moments freely.
One amazing example of the power of choice is recognizing that we can
choose HOW to react to situations. We react to what is going on around us all
the time. We react if someone is mean about us, we react if something
tempting swims in our direction, we react when our ego is dented. It’s
something we’ve grown up seeing our parents do, it’s part of being a small child,
it’s in films we watch and songs we listen to. But the great thing is, the way we
react to any given situation may feel subconscious or like a reflex, but in fact
we can choose how to react: in a positive way, a negative way, or not at all.
Although I’m a relatively calm person at this point in my life, I still struggle
with anger. I can feel a rush of bright red to my face, followed by a tingling in
my chest and a tension in my hands. The rage is palpable and in those moments
feels like it has taken over. I’ve lost control, my brain is on fire and all normality
ceases to exist around me.
There are several reasons I will get swallowed up by this red-hot lava, but
luckily I’m now at a point where I can quickly locate the truth of the situation.
I like to be in control. I feel safe and comfortable when things around me
look how I expect them to look, and I find it easier to navigate through terrain I
understand and view clearly. As soon as there’s a tremor in this fragile
landscape I easily lose my footing and my head spins, sending a tension through
my body as I try to grasp control of the situation. This affects me both on a
large and tiny scale. If my house is a mess I feel disorientated and OUT of
control. I will feel a small rage flaming up when I know I haven’t the time to sort
it out immediately as my regular safety settings seem off and treacherous.
If someone says something untrue about me, I spiral into an inner anger,
ranting and puffing knowing there’s nothing I can do. Obviously, in the job that
I do, this is a regular occurrence, but is one I still don’t deal with very well. And
if I see or hear of people being treated unfairly, I rant for hours about the
injustice and ignorance, and let this rage physically wind me up until I’m
exhausted.

TAKE BACK CONTROL

In these moments I’ve forgotten that I have a choice. I can backtrack and work
out where this rage is truly located and I can step outside the fire pit, and react
differently. This doesn’t mean I can extinguish the fury immediately, but I’m
getting there.
I see now that getting angry is my choice, so when I can, I choose not to let it
rule me. That, ironically, is the ultimate control. I get angry when I feel OUT of
control, whereas I could choose not to feel the anger and be instantly IN
control.
If you have an emotion or trait that makes you feel out of control, then you
can give this a go, too. Your go-to reaction could be jealousy, fear, low self-
esteem, aggression. Even though these overriding feelings may seem like
they’re running the show, if you make changes, you can learn to live with your
natural Achilles heel without letting them take over.

RECOGNISE THE ROOTS

So how do you choose not to react? I think the first step is working out WHY
you jump to that reaction. So with me, for example, if my house is a mess, what
I’m worried about is that everything looks as messy as it sometimes feels in my
head. This visible mess seems to heighten the jumbled thoughts in my brain
which reach fever pitch. So now I try to use that millisecond to stop and
CHOOSE – rather than feel rage, I’ll take a moment to notice that actually, I
feel internally a bit all over the shop. The kitchen sink can wait and I can try to
sit with those uncomfortable feelings of inner turmoil. That’s the tough bit we
all struggle with . . . sitting with it. More on this in a moment.
When someone says something untrue or mean about me I can again choose
to use that millisecond of time to delve back to where this is really hurting. I’m
taking it personally rather than seeing that the person who is judging me is
perhaps just lashing out due to their own issues. I doubt they’re really that
invested in my life story; they’re merely projecting their own worries onto me,
as it’s much easier than sorting their own situation out.
Rather than use precious energy on firing up the anger engine I can use that
millisecond to let go and know that it truly doesn’t matter how others view me.
I still find this one very tricky but I’m aware of it all, which is a great starting
block for progress. In that moment I can try to send that person love instead of
anger as they’re obviously hurting, too.

SIT WITH YOUR EMOTIONS

If I’ve made the decision to not react with anger when someone is unkind to me
and opted instead for a compassionate and empathetic mindset, I now have to
examine WHY their comments affected me so much. Does my ego feel
dented? Do I believe some of what was said to be true? We all deal with ‘sitting’
with mountains of emotional upheaval in different ways. Do you reach for a
glass of wine to numb the pain? Raid the biscuit tin to fill an emotional hole?
Hit the gym to run away from it? Go shopping to distract yourself and bring
something new to the situation? There are so many physical reactions that we
habitually gravitate towards when we are faced with the undercurrent of
emotions running the show.
I’m not, of course, saying don’t ever eat a biscuit again! There is a big
difference in choosing to do these things from a place of discomfort rather
than from a place of joy. But if you are hitting up these habits from a place of
discomfort, ask yourself how bad would it be if you just sat with those feelings
and made peace with them, or at least tried to, instead? How would we feel if
we didn’t numb what we know is there in front of us with our ‘go-to’ habits?
Maybe it wouldn’t be as bad as we all subconsciously imagine. Maybe when
we have sat with that discomfort and let it come and go naturally, we can then
start to really understand how we feel about certain fears and worries – and
then we can begin to make decisions that will dilute them in the future. These
milliseconds almost defy how we see the clock ticking, as such huge changes
can occur in these tiny nuggets of time. Remembering we are in control of our
reactions and that we are responsible for how we deal with the outcome can be
a huge help to us all. We are awoken to the fact that we can mould our own
story if we choose.

SWITCHING IT UP
Is there something in life that doesn’t feel quite right at the moment? Is it a
job, a partner, a location, a friendship? It might feel immovable and stuck, but
there is always a choice. A change that can take place, to take you off in
another direction. This could be a big life change or just a change of mindset. If
there is a situation in your life you cannot change, the switch-up will come
from you accepting this, rather than butting your head against a wall
constantly hoping for something new.
 ACTIVITY
Write within this outline anything that is making you feel uncomfortable in life. Rather
than numbing or burying that feeling or situation, sit with it. Get to know it better,
understand it better, and make peace with it.
 If you know there is room for change, then what is stopping you? Fear of the
unknown? Other people’s opinions? Lack of confidence? If you know making a
change will lead you to unlocking your inner happiness then GO FOR IT.
When I left Radio 1, I had so many people tell me I was bonkers. I knew it was
a brilliant and prestigious job, and I knew it was a safety net for me, but I also
knew deep down that I craved change. It wasn’t coming from a negative place
where I needed to get out; I simply wanted something new, and believed I had
the choice to go where these desires were pushing me. When I made the jump
after ten years there I was petrified and it felt very odd, but now I’m doing so
many new and different things that have expanded my mind and led me to
meet new people.
I’ve also had people in my life who have seemed problematic. Individuals who
haven’t brought out the best in me, and who presented me with many reasons
to act from a non-authentic place. Some I have been able to move away from
naturally and without too much trauma. Others, who I can’t remove from my
story, I deal with from a distance and from a detached mindset. I try not to get
emotionally hooked in, as I know it’s dangerous territory. In both
circumstances, I have acknowledged the place those individuals have in my life
and have then CHOSEN to do something about it.
 If you’re feeling the potential for a big life change on the horizon but still
can’t quite take your first step off the diving board then, for now, take small
considered steps. You don’t have to make great leaps from the get-go. Work
out what you feel needs to change and make your choices around that. Decide
which tiny stepping stones can set you in the right direction, but won’t feel like
a shock to the system. If you know your inner happiness will improve with
change, grab those choices by the horns and breathe in the unknown.

ASSESS YOUR CHOICES

When I was in my twenties, I had one goal, and that was to be as successful
career-wise as I could be. I don’t think I took a second to work out why I
wanted this. Much later down the line, I can put the pieces together and work
out what was really going on.
It wasn’t about affluence and fame, as I grew up in a working-class family
where that sort of lifestyle wasn’t on my radar. I had a happy childhood with
everything I needed: family love, food, the odd camping holiday and a few
after-school hobbies.
Instead, I think it was that the younger, wrinkle-free me wanted to feel like I
was living every moment to the max. At first I dreamed of making it in the
entertainment industry as I had a need for excitement and this line of work
seemed to tick all the boxes. Once I had a foot in the door, my perspective
changed. I was having new and exciting experiences but still felt they lacked
something. Now it was all about feeling, deep down, how I imagined everyone
else in the industry felt. Powerful, confident and like they belonged. I felt so
out of place, and often like I had fallen into the television screen, surrounded
by people I watched who were all aware of how alien it all felt to me.
 I now know what I’m searching for and why, but back then I was scrambling
to find that place where I felt comfortable and in control. I thought by reaching
for the biggest shows, scariest jobs or an amount of work that allowed no rest, I
would feel complete. It was loads of fun and brilliantly bonkers but I became
jaded at times, as I dulled my own inner light and excitement by not always
following my gut.

Now, I am a happy mum and have experienced a vast array of weird and
wonderful broadcasting work, and I know what my goal is. My dreams now lie in
the hands of creative flow and feel-good actions. I want to be part of a
movement of people that feels good and joyful. This can come in many forms,
from just simply being with my family, TV shows that have a great cast and
crew bond, a radio job where I can hope to transport some good energy
through the airwaves, or a creative project like this book where I can connect
with lots of other people. Being part of something and using my mind in this
way feels good. So I’m sticking with it.

ACTIVITY
Are you finding it hard to make a decision in life? It could be a huge life decision that is
causing you sleepless nights or something trivial that is bugging you. No matter of its
size write it down here:

. . . and fill out the Pros and Cons to see which list gains more traction!

PROS CONS
 CHOOSE POSITIVITY

Seeing others get hurt or be mistreated is tough to deal with, particularly as

this strange ball we are floating on seems to have endless conflict and pain
doused all over it. We are reminded daily of the horrors faced by some on this
planet due to war or lack of basic neccessities.
What we need to remember is that there are equal measures of magical and
wonderful things happening, but we tend to hear more about the negative.
When I hear these stories, instead of ranting and getting myself physically
worked up, I can stop, and send a prayer, a good thought, or a wish for those
who truly need it. Anger is a waste of time and serves no one. Putting weighty
mind-power to good use is a much healthier option and a great choice in those
moments when we feel drawn in by the seduction of ranting or gossip.
 ACTIVITY
Grab a pencil and spin it over the wheel of joy. Then go about making this positive
happen in your life! Putting a positive spin on what’s going on in our lives is a quick way
to inject a bit of happiness.

ACTIVITY
Writing down a list of positives will always lead you to happiness. It gives you time to
recognise the good things in life, which in turn attracts more of those things as you
concentrate and focus on what makes you feel great. It’s win-win!

Your positive list . . . GO!

 1)

2)

3)

4)

5)

6)

7)

8)

9)

10)

Being notified of others’ pain of course makes all of us stop and ask WHY? It
seems so very unfair and unjust. But if we are fuelled by a particular story, we
can make a positive choice to DO something, using that frustration and energy
to do good. I feel very lucky that my line of work has allowed me many
experiences where I have been able to use that sorrow for injustice to do some
good. I have met some of the most incredible people through my job who have
been hit by poverty, illness or loss, and I have gained monumentally from them,
too. I’ve learned so much, stripped back my own fears and been witness to
hugely inspiring megawatt strength. These transactions of goodwill could be a
small gesture, such as sending a letter to someone in hospital that’ll make them
smile and feel loved in that moment. It could be a charity run or fundraiser. You
could even just call someone who you know is lonely. Far better to get up and
do something about all the injustice on this planet, rather than just ranting
about it.
Helping, of course, feels so good, too. That’s the other magical part of
reaching out. You are making a change to someone else’s life but you’re also
making changes to yours. The satisfaction you feel from these acts is
unbeatable.
There are so many kind and thoughtful people out there who make huge
changes to others’ lives and these wondrous humans are some of the happiest I
know and they will forever inspire me. And – don’t forget – change is
incredibly powerful when we all get together. More people thinking in a certain
way and wanting change can move mountains.

FIND YOUR POSITIVE OUTLOOK

Being positive isn’t always easy. It’s sometimes the harder route, the one that
requires more energy, thought and commitment. Personal patterns of self-
deprecation, sorrow and anger are easier to slip into. When these negative
thoughts are swimming around, we can’t join the dots and see why things aren’t
going well, because we are so focused on what is lacking and depleted.
In today’s culture, you almost have to go against the grain to think positively.
We are constantly reminded of what we are ‘lacking’, through advertising and
the need to compare ourselves to others. This leads us down a negative path of
seeing only what’s missing. We forget to look for the positives, we don’t fully
open our eyes to the good that is in front of us. I believe that focusing on the
positives, and learning to accept the parts of life you can’t change, is the road
that will lead you to a happier life. Getting your mind working in a positive way
allows you to be a lot calmer and make decisions from a solid place.
I do sometimes struggle with this and can find myself in a state of panic when
things feel like they’re not going how I imagined they would. I beat myself up
and forget that it’s okay to make mistakes or to go off on a tangent in life.
When I’m feeling like this, speaking to those who have seemingly cracked this
mindset helps massively. My husband is one of those people. He can calm my
chaotic anxiety in minutes with his broadened outlook on life and love. I need
anchoring like this, so feel forever grateful I have that person so close to me.
He pulls my spinning kite out of the storm and roots me again. That’s the
feeling I like. Grounded, sturdy and balanced.
I feel lucky to have a lot of people in my life who choose to have a positive
outlook and an open mind, from whom I can constantly learn.

HELLO TO . . . CRAIG
One of the most positive people I know is my friend, Craig David. I have
known him through various stages of his career, personal life and fame, but
one thing that has remained constant and solid is his outlook. He hasn’t
compromised his vision or ethics to shortcut his route to happiness and
doesn’t care what anyone else thinks or says. That takes guts and self-
acceptance in great doses. I had a chat with Craig to hear what really makes
him tick and what keeps him on this path.

“ F: I’ve known you for many years now, Craig, and you’ve always been
one of the most positive people I know. What keeps your head in this
space and can it be difficult at times?

C: I feel the same about you, Fearne. Over the years I’ve been able to see
that the things that really make me happy are so simple, yet sometimes we
tend to overlook them. I’m just grateful to wake up in the morning and be
healthy, surrounded by my friends and family, have a roof over my head,
food on my table and clothes on my back. Add the fact that I’m so blessed
to be able to express myself through music every day and touch so many
people’s lives – it’s hard to not be buzzing off life.

F: You’ve got great self-belief and that has allowed you to be patient in
your approach to your own creativity. How do you hold your nerve when
everyone else around you thinks differently?

C: I’ve found it’s really about being comfortable with leaning into the
unknown where most would find it uncomfortable. Yes, it can be a little
scary, but it’s where all the magic happens. As for holding my nerve, I’ve
come to learn that no one really knows what you’re striving for deep down
except you, so by following your intuition and surrounding yourself with
positive people that support you and your vision you create the right
environment for ideas to manifest.
F: How do you personally block out the noise of negativity around you or
do you digest it and use it in a beneficial way to your own life?

C: Putting my headphones on and turning the music up LOUD seems to

work . . . it blocks everything out. LOL! What I’ve come to understand is
that we will always experience negative people and situations, but the key is
to be able to see what can be learnt from them and to be aware and brave
enough to remove what is causing the negativity from your life. I know it’s
easier said than done, but what I found extremely helpful was to be able to
look at the negative situation and then see what I could change in myself
that would make the external circumstances better. What is the key to
your own personal happiness?

F: Sharing what I have. Loving those around me. Receiving love back.
Being creative and letting light shine through me. Learning and
unfolding as I go has to be the biggest adventure that awakens that
happiness. ”

ACTIVITY
Has something little irritated you today? If yes, what was it?

Now choose to see that situation in a different light. Make the choice to find a positive,
whether that’s a learning about yourself or a consequence of the situation.
 SUMMARY
TAKE THE MILLISECOND.
Give yourself a chance to make the choice about how to react to a situation.

TINY STEPS.
If you’re itching to make a change, make tiny steps in its direction!

FIND POSITIVITY.
Make the choice to see the positive rather than the negative in situations.

OceanofPDF.com
 ACTIVITY

WHAT DOES HAPPY CHOICES LOOK LIKE

TO YOU?
Write one word or draw a picture here that sums it up

OceanofPDF.com
 HAPPY MIND
A happy mind, to me, is a breeding ground for opportunity and positivity. It is a place where positive
options outweigh the negative. It is a muscle that has the ability to mould your life into one of
contentment and joy. The mind can be so wonderful with its ability to dream, invent, create and imagine.
A hub, continuously growing and facilitating change, revolution and action. When we use our minds in a
positive way we can dream, act and create with ease.

CREATING A HAPPY MIND

A lot of the time we forget the mind is something we have an element of
control over. It’s easy to feel it’s running the show, and it sometimes escapes
from its leash and gallivants off into unwanted territory. We either feel unable
to tame the mind’s unruly nature or we believe certain patterns and ways in
which it works are set in stone, because ‘that’s just how we are’.
As I touched on earlier, what we forget is that we made up the rules. We
learn as kids the difference between right and wrong and what we deem
suitable but the rest is up to us. We can create our own story, and it doesn’t
have to go in just one direction.
We have learned that we have certain traits and hold on to those labels
tightly. For example, we may be sensitive to criticism, or perhaps we feel
overwhelmed when faced with certain tasks. These are all traits we have told
ourselves we own: they’re ours. Our ways of thinking are somehow etched into
our very core. We tend to forget that we can shake up our own internal system
to something different whenever we please.
As we all know, it’s impossible to be fully in control of life, as we wake to the
uncertain every day. The world is spinning with us sitting on its surface, waiting
to see what it will throw our way. It could be adventure, opportunity, a fateful
meeting, a loss . . . we just don’t know. We have to be able to adapt to what is
taking shape around us. We can start to feel control over our own destinies
when our minds are not working single-handedly, but as part of our whole body
and soul.
Making decisions, feeling emotions, speaking the truth, loving wholly, acting
authentically, all come from using the WHOLE of you. Your mind, body, and
that extra bit of magic you can’t quite put your finger on. We have to align all
these parts of us in order to make the decisions we know deep down will benefit
us.
 TRAIN YOUR BRAIN
Using your mind in this way requires a bit of dedication and discipline as you
learn to train it to work in a positive way. When I’m feeling negative I know that
by habit I tend to seek out more negative. I forget that I can switch this up
whenever I choose. I can smile rather than scowl, and I can look for the beauty
in what is going on around me, rather than seeing just the darkness.
This will in turn attract more happiness and positivity, as you’re seeing it
everywhere. Light attracts light.

BACK IN THE DRIVING SEAT

Getting your mind into good healthy habits, like we do physically with our
bodies, is integral. We go to the gym to get toned, but rarely think about
mental upkeep. We assume our minds are jogging along just fine. We forget
that every bit of information we are taking in each second of the day is
affecting the way our minds work and how efficiently they run.
Maybe you spend hours on social media every day although you know deep
down that it makes you feel a bit shit. Here is a classic example of how we can
get confused as to who is running the show. The whole body, mind and magic
may feel dulled and diluted with this activity, but we tell ourselves: ‘This is just
what you do every day, get over it.’ Make a change. Stop looking at something
that makes you feel bad. Put the phone down. Get your mind and body feeling
good. Tell that brain what to do.
Maybe you’re in a relationship that is unfulfilling. Your whole self feels
slightly downtrodden and like you’re coasting, but your mind is telling you that
you probably won’t find anyone else. It whispers to you that this is just how
your life is and that you don’t deserve any better. It will come up with
thousands of reasons why you should stay so you ignore that whole body, mind
and inner gut sensation of wanting out. Get back in the driving seat. Tell your
mind to think with clarity. Ask it to work with your body and soul to source out
the best it can and to allow you to know what you want and feel you truly
deserve. Don’t let your mind’s worry and fear take over.

REST YOUR MIND

Getting your head in good shape requires daily practice. You can flex that
muscle in whichever way feels good, as it has to feel right for you. The hurdle is
getting your mind to stop. To give it rest outside of when you’re sleeping. It
needs to recharge and go blank for some much-needed breathing space and
clarity. We cannot make good decisions when all the cogs are turning with
thousands of ideas, thoughts and concerns. It needs to deflate and bliss out for
a bit so it can then work to its optimum when you really need it to.
Yoga works well for me (have a flick through the Happy Body section of this
book), as it makes my mind concentrate only on what my body is doing. It goes
with the breath and I relax into each pose without thought or judgement. After
I’ve done yoga I often have clear ideas and thoughts that make a difference to
my day.
Meditation is another excellent way of achieving that brain Zen. I find this
much more difficult and often procrastinate while trying to follow this well-
trodden and celebrated path. I know it works, but I still don’t do it enough to
really benefit me. The one time I was very disciplined about it was when I was
pregnant. I found I was much kinder to myself and more pragmatic when I was
pregnant, as I was focusing more on the baby. Meditating made me feel that I
could truly rest my mind and body, so the baby would feel calm and at peace
with the whole process. I meditated every day before bed and it helped me
have a relaxed pregnancy first time around, and also helped with my severe
sickness the second time around. If the thought of sitting cross-legged on the
floor while attempting to battle hundreds of thoughts that keep creeping into
your mind does not appeal, there is a guided meditation coming up from my
friend Hollie.

HELLO TO . . . HOLLIE
Hollie is another amazing person who I was lucky enough to have met
through friends. A mate of mine, Giovanna, had experienced a calm and
relaxed birth, which fascinated me as my first birth with my son Rex was
long, intense and not relaxing in the slightest. I couldn’t believe it was
possible and quizzed her further.
Giovanna had met with Hollie De Cruz, a hypnobirthing expert, to learn
the magic of her theories. When I found out I was pregnant with my second
child, Honey, I knew I had to give it a try. The first time I met with Hollie
she took me through some guided meditations to help me through the
extreme nine-month-long morning sickness I was plodding through. Her
visualisations gave me a chance to escape the twenty-four-hour sickness on
some level, as my mind was taken to other places. At this point I could see
how powerful this hypnotherapy could be and how I could use it in labour.
When I applied Hollie’s mediations and visualisations during the birth of
Honey, I felt so much calmer than I had with my son, Rex. Hollie emailed
me some guided meditations that I listened to most nights while pregnant
and then when I was giving birth to Honey. My mind felt stronger and gave
my body the confidence to get through it without fear. My labour was
calm, mostly relaxed and incredible, as I realised what my body was capable
of.
I still use Hollie’s MP3’s to help get to sleep at night or to take five
minutes out if I’m on the train to work. The power of visualisation is a
game-changer. You can use it to get your mind on track to wherever you
want to be.
The guided meditation that follows is a great form of escapism if you’re
feeling overwhelmed or stressed. Read it over a couple of times so you
roughly know the story of it in your head. If you’re lucky, you could even
ask your partner or friend to read it aloud whilst you close your eyes and
shut off. Then relax and go through the suggested places and sensations.
Focus on your breath and the pictures in your imagination, and give your
mind a break.

“ HOLLIE: So just close your eyes, and before you begin to relax, take a
moment to make yourself comfortable, and feel free to change position at
any time if you need to. Begin now to tune in with your own breath, and on
an exhale that feels good for you, let your shoulders soften and give
yourself permission to relax.

Breathe fully, and breathe deeply. Inhaling peace, and exhaling tension.
Let the breath flow all the way down through your chest and your stomach.
Let it drift all the way down your legs until you feel the soft tingling of
relaxation reach the soles of your feet.

Return your attention now to your eyes – feel how comfortable they
have become, and feel now that relaxation spread all across your forehead
and your temples. Feel all the little worry lines just fade and disappear, and
if you are holding a frown, just easily release it and notice how good that
feels. And now feel that wonderful deep relaxation spread on down over
your nose and your cheeks, all the way down to your mouth and your jaw.
Take a moment to place your tongue behind your upper teeth, and allow
your lower jaw to recede, as you drift deeper, and still deeper into this
wonderful state of calm relaxation.

With every breath, you allow yourself to relax even more deeply, and on
your next exhale, just let your shoulders gently sink into the frame of your
body, and feel how relaxed and limp they have become. Your body feels
entirely relaxed and at ease, and you feel all tension and worry just drifting
away.
 And now in your mind’s eye, and your imagination, I want you to visualise
a beautiful blue sky, and take yourself to your favourite spot in nature. This
could be a place from your childhood, a spot that you are fond of now, or
perhaps even a place that only exists in your imagination. See yourself here.
This is a place where you feel totally safe and secure. A place where there is
no tension or worry. A place where you can enjoy the wonderful feeling of
being yourself. So safe and secure.

Look around you, take in all of the things around you. Notice what you
are standing on – perhaps it is dry grass, or maybe warm sand – notice what
this feels like on your bare feet. Be aware of the sounds around you too.
Maybe you can hear birds singing, or trees blowing gently in the breeze, or
maybe the sound of water trickling down a stream, or the sea gently lapping
up against the shore. These sounds make you feel calm, connected and at
peace. They make you feel safe. I want you to notice now what the warmth
of the sun feels like on your skin. Maybe you can feel its warm golden glow
just softly soothing every part of you.

And now, as you visualise the numbers from ten down to one, I want you
to feel that warmth just gradually drifting down your body, allowing you to
go deeper and deeper into this wonderful state of calmness and relaxation.

So beginning to count now. Ten . . . you can feel that warmth wash down
over your head and face, nine… feeling the light spread into your neck and
your shoulders as they gently relax, eight . . . and all the way down your
arms, allowing your elbows to feel relaxed and limp, seven . . . feeling this
calming energy flow into your hands, and all the way into your fingertips as
they gently rest in your lap or by your sides, six . . . letting that golden light
down through your chest and your stomach, five . . . breathing light and
love down to your very core, four . . . feeling the warmth softly relax your
pelvis and all around your hips, releasing all tension, three . . . light travelling
down the tops of your legs and all around your knees, two . . . feeling that
soft tingling sensation of relaxation reaching the soles of your feet and the
tips of your toes, and one . . . feeling completely and wonderfully relaxed,
free of all cares and worries, happy and peaceful.

You may continue to rest here, enjoying the wonderful sense of

relaxation that softly penetrates every part of you, and knowing that you
can access this place of quiet whenever you need to.

Remember that all you need to do to achieve this sense of peace and
calmness is to make yourself comfortable and tune in to your own breath –
inhaling peace and exhaling tension. As you do, you’ll begin to let go and
continue to drift into this place of deep relaxation. Each time you practise,
it becomes easier and easier to reach this deeply relaxed state.

So now, continue to rest, to breathe, to relax – allowing your mind and

your body to take the break they deserve. Know that right now, nobody
wants anything – nobody needs anything – there is absolutely nothing to
do but relax and let go.

Learning to relax like this will manifest into your ordinary everyday life,
and you will enjoy this wonderful new sense of calmness and confidence.
You will find it so easy to cope with the stresses and strains of everyday life,
because you now know how to relax, and you can access your new skill
whenever you need to.
 Now I want you to count from one up to five. When you reach five you
will open your eyes and bring your awareness back to the room, feeling
mentally alert, physically energised, and emotionally calm and confident. ”

FIND A CREATIVE RITUAL

If meditation doesn’t do it for you, maybe you know an activity that allows your
brain to have that vacation moment. Whatever your chosen activity, make it
something in your life that allows you to have mental space where you shut off.
Even walking and focusing on your every footstep rather than looking at your
phone for the whole journey can help you zone out.
Art, for me, has always been a go-to extra-curricular way to get the balance
back. It takes me home, makes me remember what I’m really about and calms
every cell in my body. Each time, it’s a journey that takes me through many
emotions subconsciously. I start feeling nervous that the painting won’t turn
out how I want and then excited as it takes shape. I then go off on tangents of
feeling thrilled and buzzed, to feeling annoyed if mistakes are made. The end
result, however, always remains the same. Sheer bliss. It’s a calm that settles
after I’ve signed my name at the bottom of the canvas. I’ve created something.
Whether others appreciate what I’ve made or have emotions attached to my
work is irrelevant at this point. The process and magical flow that I experienced,
for those minutes or hours, is what has nourished my soul.
I don’t think you have to be good at painting to grab hold of this feeling.
Putting pen or brush to paper releases all sorts of hypnotic qualities that leap
forward once you open your mind. The freedom of art is to be explored and
taken advantage of.
 NO RULES
I paint what I see with exaggerated touches that feel important to me. If I’m
painting faces (my favourite subject), I often enlarge the eyes as I feel they’re
the doorway to our souls. They tell stories even though a silent painting can’t,
and show how the person in the frame is really feeling. I may accentuate bright
gleaming light on the hair and forehead and leave thick brush strokes on
purpose to draw your attention to how the light fell that day. I may create
harsher angles than needed if the person I’m painting feels more masculine
than feminine.
A great friend of mine, Mr Gok Wan, who is equally passionate about
painting, has a completely different style. He flexes his artistic muscles by
smearing colourful globs of Japanese ink over a bright white canvas with plastic
paddles. It creates a delicious scene of chaos and colour with a hidden message
and story. It’s there for you to find in your own time. There are no rules. Your
own emotional state and frame of mind will set the scene for how your pictures
should take place and then your ideas around the piece can be explained or left
as a mystery when finished.
One of my favourite artists is Jonathan Yeo, who keeps parts of his giant
canvases sketchy and worn so chunks of his very accurate and delicate work on
a face will fade to the unknown. His visions of certain well-known faces are left
slightly unfinished so you can make up the rest of the story yourself – like we
all do when we meet someone in real life. This for me says so much, as we never
really know a person 100 per cent, even when we think we do.
When I’m mid-painting, and I’ve managed to push through the initial desire
to procrastinate, I feel numb. Not the kind of numb where you feel lifeless and
grey but the sort where time is suspended, physical wants dissipate into the
canvas and thoughts halt for endless ticking seconds. BLISS! I feel lucky to
have found my creative flow and that it lives at the end of a paint brush.
 ACTIVITY
When I was pregnant, Hollie told me to visualise a coloured balloon when in labour. She
asked me to pick a colour and I instinctively said purple. All through my labour, I
visualised this balloon with clarity – recognising its shape, texture and colour. This visual
helped me massively in more intense moments and gave me a clear focus. I love to use
colours for visualisations.

Write down a situation that is causing you stress or sadness:

Pick a colour that seems to represent this

situation. Colour in this box with that
colour.

Now pick a colour that represents happy to

you, and colour this box in with that colour.
 Imagine breathing in great sweeps of your happy colour and let it swamp your lungs. Now
breathe out the colour that represents your stress and pain. Exhale a huge stream of this
colour and watch it leave your body and drift away. Then repeat by inhaling your beautiful
happy tone and exhale the negative colour. Do this for as long as you need. It’ll help to get
your heart rate down and allows you to release some of the physical tension that you’ve
built up.

SOME CREATIVE IDEAS

Creative flow is so important and doesn’t have to be too planned or over-

thought. I haven’t had much time to paint since my children were born so I’ve
channeled my creative flow into baking and cooking. This sort of creative flow
has the added benefit of edible results for all to enjoy! Cooking can be a
practical hobby that requires little fanfare but gives huge amounts of head
space and joy during and after. There’s something so cathartic about grating a
carrot or whisking an egg, a simple physical action that triggers the brain to
quieten down and remain static while this polite ritual occurs. Concentrating
on timings, temperatures, textures and the alchemy of flavour combination all
create this dream-like physical and mental state for me. I feel lucky to have
stumbled across this hobby along the way.
My husband says playing the guitar for him opens up this same portal of
good vibes and allows him to escape previously held-onto worries that then
bleed into insignificance while the chords flow. Being skilled at playing an
instrument is a creative outlet that takes time and practice, but once you nail it
you can switch off mentally and enjoy what your muscles and mind have
retained through repetition. I envy this skill my husband so naturally has.
 Simple moments in life can be injected with a shot of grandeur and importance by turning
them into rituals. For me this is making my morning coffee. I love this daily ritual and take
my time in enjoying each step of making it. I sip each inch of the hot rich liquid and am
grateful for the flavour and warmth. It’s a non-moveable daily practice that gives me vast
amounts of joy. These tiny moments can become important, as you to take the time to
notice the wonder around you. Maybe its your walk to work in the morning, or getting
dressed and ready for the day.
Write down a ritual for yourself here. Take time daily to love every millisecond of its
magic

My ritual is:

I love it because:

Even doodling can have a great effect on the mind, as you subconsciously
pour your inner thoughts onto a scrap of paper and let those thoughts live and
breathe outside your mind. It can be therapeutic and joyful, as you let go and
create something new at the same time. It’s such a simple way of switching off
while simultaneously getting in touch with what is really going on inside.
Whatever your creative outlet is, do it often, do it with joy and feel the bliss.
 ACTIVITY
Here’s some space to doodle . . .

A COUPLE OF HAPPY RECIPES

I love to cook and even if I’m in a rush (with the kids hungrily running
around the kitchen), I try to note its importance and ritualistic
tendencies. Grating, chopping, stirring and arranging. Each step of the
process quietens my brain and brings a peaceful air to the general
chaos of life. If you haven’t found a ritual yet, then borrow mine! Here
are two healthy recipes for you to try. They involve grating and
chopping, which should allow you some time and space away from the
madness to zone out, and then enjoy.

CHOPPED SALAD
This is a crisp, light and fresh salad that offers up a load of flavour and crunch. I
find it’s a quick yet therapeutic recipe to make. I love the process of chopping
all the veg and apple and then combining all of those crisp flavours. The
dressing is creamy and luxurious but still light and easy to digest. A year-round
salad champ.
2 apples, cored and roughly chopped
100g radishes, roughly chopped
150g cucumber, roughly chopped
150g cooked quinoa
150g lettuce, chopped
200g feta, crumbled
80g goji berries
Small handful of fresh flat-leaf parsley leaves, roughly chopped
Small handful of fresh mint leaves, roughly chopped
100g walnuts, roasted
1 tsp sumac, for sprinkling (optional)

FOR THE YOGHURT DRESSING:

100g yoghurt (Greek, soy or coconut)
1 garlic clove, crushed
Grated zest of 1 lemon, and juice of half
3 tbsp extra-virgin olive oil
Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper

SERVES 4
For the dressing, combine the yoghurt, garlic, lemon zest, and most of the
lemon juice and olive oil in a bowl. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Cover
and set aside.

For the salad, combine the chopped apples, radishes, cucumber, cooked
quinoa, lettuce and most of the feta, goji berries, herbs and walnuts in a bowl.
Drizzle over the remaining lemon juice and olive oil, season with a little salt,
pepper and sumac (if using) and toss to combine.

Plate up the salad on a large serving dish, drizzle over the yoghurt dressing,
then scatter over the remaining feta, goji berries, herbs and walnuts.
 COURGETTE AND CARROT FRITTERS
For some reason I get great pleasure from grating. Any monotonous actions
during cooking send my head into a clearer and more rested place. This is a
wonderfully quick dinner that looks impressive but takes very little time to
prepare. Cook up a batch if you have friends over for dinner and serve on a
sharing plate, or fry up as many as desired and store the rest of the mixture in
the fridge for up to a couple of days. They’re full of flavour and feel very hearty
as they’re packed with veg. These are a firm favourite in our house.
250g courgettes, coarsely grated
200g carrots, peeled and coarsely grated
3 spring onions, very finely chopped
2 garlic cloves, crushed
50g buckwheat or spelt flour
2 eggs, beaten
50g Parmesan cheese, finely grated
Grated zest of 1 lemon
Small handful each of fresh mint and flat-leaf parsley leaves, finely chopped
1 tsp ground cumin
1 tbsp sunflower oil
Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
Yoghurt (Greek, coconut or soy), to serve
Green salad, to serve

MAKES 16 SMALL FRITTERS, TO SERVE 4–6

Spread the grated courgettes and carrots out on a board, and sprinkle over a
teaspoon of salt. Set aside for ten minutes.

Meanwhile, combine the spring onions, garlic, flour, eggs, Parmesan, lemon
zest, most of the herbs and the cumin in a large bowl.

Place the courgettes and carrots in a clean tea towel and squeeze out as much
liquid as possible. Add the vegetables to the bowl and mix together until
thoroughly combined.

Heat the sunflower oil in a deep frying pan over a medium heat. Once hot,
place one heaped tablespoon of the courgette mix for each fritter, flattening
out gently to form a rough round shape. I can usually get about four in at one
time. Fry for 2–3 minutes on each side until crisp and golden. Transfer to a
plate and keep warm while you continue with the rest.
To serve, plate up the fritters with the remaining herbs scattered over. Serve
immediately with a dollop of yoghurt and a green salad.

ANXIETY AND THE RULEBOOK

Now I’m going to talk about something that seems to be affecting more and
more people lately: anxiety. Anxiety is my most frequent kill joy. That lurking
feeling that something is not quite right, that snowballs quickly into panic. The
lines between feeling a bit anxious and having anxiety proper can be blurred,
but there is definitely a difference. My own experience of anxiety has luckily
never reached the extremes where it’s been a huge problem but is something I
know I still need to work on. Having severe anxiety issues is of course a weighty
matter that can hinder you in everyday life. When worry and fear are
frequently in the driving seat and your life feels like a series of huge and scary
hurdles each and every second, then make sure you look for help. The Mind
website has a lot of information on this subject and even a helpline to call.
Small drops of anxiety first made an appearance on the scene when I started
to venture outside of the small and comfy world I had grown up in. As I moved
away from the things, places and people I knew, I started to experience anxiety
about how others saw me. Had I unintentionally upset someone, or said
something that made someone wince? Or misjudged a scenario? My brain
would spin out as I dissected moments and conversations gone by. I still have
this creeping dread socially from time to time, but the older I get and the more
comfortable I am in my own skin, the less I worry about it all. I’m not sure if
this just comes with time or is strengthened through the experiences life
throws your way. I think when you get into the groove of knowing it’s okay just
to be YOU, things get easier.
 These days my anxiety stems from breaking those rules I have created for
myself. It could be a moment I’m worried about in the future, a past event that
still has its claws in me or something tiny that has the potential to grow into a
monster. For instance, I may be out with my young children and realise it’s
edging towards their bedtime. I can hear the clock ticking quickly and loudly as
I feel anxiety swirl around my chest. What will happen if I don’t get them back
in time? Absolutely nothing. But because I’ve created a set of rules that feel
comfy, I get a very edgy feeling that something might go ‘wrong’, and feel
discomfort about this abnormal territory and the fear of the unknown. If I can
stop the process in time and remind myself that the fast-approaching bedtime
is just a marker I have created, then I can get back to a place of calm.
Sometimes I will feel anxious stepping into a very busy environment, as again
I’ve created a rule that states I prefer the calm. This gets in the way of me
experiencing something new with an open mind. I get caught up in my own
story and can’t melt into the moment with fresh eyes; instead I bring along my
date for the night, anxiety. My antisocial date clings onto my arm, morphing
my body language into a stiffened state, and stops my mouth from moving in
the desired way.
In my bespoke rulebook, I’ve also set standards and expectations that I
expect myself to rise to. If I don’t meet these goals I find myself gathering that
anxious momentum yet again.
Many times I have looked around me at others who are seemingly in control
and not led by fear and their own rules. They seem so carefree and relaxed in
their own achievements, or lack of. I too have many glorious sunny times where
I relax into what’s going on around me with abandon and it feels great, but I
find it tough to harness that bliss all of the time. Anxiety is the main
perpetrator in defeating this joy. The edgy, lurking feeling that something isn’t
quite right even when you look around and can’t see any danger at all.
 It’s not until I remember to tear up my own rulebook that I can let go and
welcome new and exciting possibilities. I can move the goalposts and I can
create my own boundaries to work with. That in itself makes future anxiety that
bit easier to dilute.
If I do begin to panic in situations such as these, then I try to remember that
it can be extinguished if I act from a calm place. This is much easier said than
done at times, but I think having the awareness that you know you feel a little
freaked out is a great start. Then you can take some deep breaths and get back
to knowing that you’ll be okay if you slow that heart rate down and act from a
place of calm.

NEVER BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP

When I know I have slipped into the abyss of anxiety, I have to speak to
someone. Just as it is one of my key tools when I find myself in the black,
talking is my way out. If I’m feeling down I know I can go for a walk, listen to
music, paint or watch something joyful to help lift me but anxiety, for me,
cannot be tamed alone. I need a calm and strong-minded outside source to talk
me out of where I’ve ended up.
I feel lucky to have great friends and family members I can call upon in these
times, whose softly spoken words and grounded philosophies will douse the
anxiety with a bucket full of calm. I also have many friends who will come to me
to have their own anxieties tamed and calmed. Sharing is key.
 Asking for help used to be excruciating but now I take great comfort in using
someone else’s words and theories to climb out of a ditch. Seeking support can
make you feel vulnerable, but people who love you will only meet that
openness with love and empathy. I now get great pleasure in calling a dear
friend, spilling out my panic in a speedy torrent and feeling an instant relief as
it’s out of my head and cradled by another. Never be afraid to ask for help. It’s
the gateway to new ways of thinking and new paths, as energies shift.
Anxiety is so much more prevalent these days, as there’s so much pressure
on us all to be everything. We don’t give ourselves a break and we leave no
room for mistakes. I’m a classic case of someone who hates to let mistakes in. I
see mistakes as failures that leave me a lesser version of myself, and somehow
‘damaged goods’. Instead, we all need to understand what we can learn from
those moments where everything is seemingly going ‘wrong’.
If we can all learn to knock down the high expectations we have of ourselves
and give ourselves a break, this anxiety has less to feed off. If we can take a step
back from our own rulebooks and the way we think things should be, there’s
more space in our minds and lives, and we achieve an expanded vision of
everything going on around us.
 ACTIVITY

BEDTIME DIARY
I find it hard to get enough sleep with an irregular work schedule and young children.
After nights I’ve worked late, my kids seem to hone into this sleep deprivation and wake
even earlier the next day. I’m never on the ball when I’m deprived of sleep and have a
shorter temper and less empathy for others. It’s hard to take naps in the day with so much
going on but I’ll always endeavour to get more sleep the following night if I can. Keep a
log of how many hours you’re getting per night; if it’s less than eight, see if you can pull it
back by the end of the week. Good Luck!

MON

TUE

WED

THU

FRI

SAT

SUN

ACTIVITY
 Writing proves massively cathartic for me. I love to let my mind wander, which in turn
leads to releasing all sorts of undiscovered emotions and feelings. See what happens when
you give yourself a blank page and a pen. Let your mind wander by finishing off this short
story.

The night was dark and the stars were bright . . .

ACCEPT YOURSELF, WARTS AND ALL

Luckily I have many anxiety-free, joyful moments, where I look back and view
the more frantic and panicky times like they were happening to someone else.
When the storm of worry has passed, my perspective seems much clearer and
more grounded. Sometimes I look back and feel embarrassed or even
concerned as to how I got myself in such a state about something so small.
Sometimes I can almost laugh, but not quite, as I know at the time the anxiety
had control over me and that’s something that makes me feel a bit sad. I feel
I’ve wasted possible golden moments in life by travelling so far from what I
actually believe. I have got so lost, away from ‘home’; that place that is real and
that I know to be true.
What I need to do is learn to view these moments as knots in a piece of
wood. Twisted, possibly unattractive and uncomfortable, but a part of me. I’ve
spoken about it a lot already, but I guess acceptance is the key. I need to look
back and accept that I am not a perfect human being who always thinks
positively and acts from a happy place and that’s okay. There is room for it all.

EMBRACE THE GOOD TIMES

Enjoying the great times is crucial. There lies the balance of life.
Acknowledging and accepting that there will always be good and bad, and that
it’s how we deal with it all that counts. When anxiety is nowhere to be seen I
feel very in the moment, something I’ve improved at over the years. I can sit
and zone out by looking at a breathtaking view or beautiful sky for several
minutes, soaking up every delicious second. It’s one of my favourite things to
do. I truly know in these snatches of time that I am okay and that I am viewing
and absorbing all the beauty around me. Gratitude seeps subconsciously from
every pore during these timeless moments and anxiety has no room to breathe.
Recently I lay on the patio in the garden and looked up at the stars twinkling
in the black velvet sky above. Just stopping for half an hour to take a proper
look at the constellations – and their constant reminder of how small we are –
was enough to get me feeling in the moment and truly in wonder at everything
around me. I look out of the window most nights, but never bother to stop and
take it all in. This patio session shifted my whole perspective on tiny worries and
concerns, as I felt like a small speck of dust floating about among these giant
balls of light.
Laughter is the next easily glugged tonic for me. It snaps me back into my
body and dulls the anxiety to a much quieter and more distant hum. Just
recently I fell into a fit of giggles in a yoga class when my husband performed
the most glorious clumsy fall. Knowing those around me were in their own
bubble of serenity only tipped me further into a body-shaking episode of
laughter. BLISS! Naughty, as the timing was bad, but so so fun. Listening to a
funny podcast or watching a brilliant film can be equally powerful, as you step
away from that lurking feeling of dread and focus on letting go with roars of
laughter.
Music is one of the most powerful game-changers in my life. It can throw me
back to another time in a split second, as I recall smells, tastes and emotions
from another chunk of my life. New music has an equally intoxicating quality,
as your ears pull out sounds that lull you into a safe place of harmonies and
lyrics that mean something to you, even though you’ve never heard them
before.
Music for me will always be a go-to for moving through situations and
grabbing hold of the next chapter. Sometimes these songs will be relaxing as
my mind craves static, chilled-out songs that will soothe my exhausted head
into a hazy state of calm. At other times I’ll need upbeat, soaring tunes that
feel like they’re pushing the anxiety away. The sheer force of their brilliance
and beats will move the pain and stress to another realm as my body and mind
start to work with other emotions connected to the music. There are no rules;
the songs will find you.
Whatever your feel-good needs are, make sure you find them and go with it.
Be in the moment, lean in to the good times and stare at the stars.

THINK POSITIVE
As I talked about in HAPPY CHOICES, when we are met with a situation in
life, fundamentally we choose to either act from a place of fear or a place of
love. A positive or a negative. When we’re making a decision from a positive
place, our whole body reacts before our mind gets a chance to interfere with its
judgement, worry and doubt.
As I know how delicate my own mind can be, I try to steer away from
unnecessary negativity when I can. I don’t watch scary or violent films and I
don’t go on websites that only feature negative gossip. It doesn’t make me feel
all-round good. It will spark something in my head that could send me off in a
direction I don’t want. I need to be fuelled by positivity whenever possible.
Inevitably, negative stories or situations will crop up, but if I can control the
ones in my day-to-day life on a smaller level, then I will do that. I like to read
books that feel inspiring, watch films that feed my brain with either laughter or
stories I can learn from. I want to surround myself with people who talk from
the heart and are as willing to share their story as I am mine. These are the
parts of my life I feel I have control over and the ones I can make a choice
about. They are all changeable parts of your life, too.

Here is my happy playlist. These songs all boost my mood, have the power to move
negative energy on and give me a twinkle in my eye. I have this list on my Spotify account
fearnecottonofficial, so if you like these songs come give it a listen!

HAPPY PLAYLIST
‘ROCKET MAN’ – Elton John
This song, from start to finish, makes every cell in my body come alive. It takes me back to
a bar in a tent at Glastonbury where my husband and I sang loudly; it takes me back to my
labours, as it was on my birthing playlist – and both labours, although intense, were the
most euphoric moments of my existence. It takes me back to late and very funny nights in
Las Vegas with a group of great mates.
There’s something about how the verse builds and then explodes into this harmonious
chorus. Spine tingling!

‘ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE’ – The Beatles

The best feel-good sing-along song ever. It’s near impossible to keep yourself from
mouthing these lyrics very passionately. Just one listen lightens the load and makes your
eyes sparkle. At the end of the day, it is all about love!

‘RAMBLE ON’ – Led Zeppelin

This track moves stuff on. It has the rhythm and power to shift energy and get you
through tough times. Robert Plant sings these lyrics with such urgency that you can tell
how much of a release it is for him. You can only draw on this and expel your own
negativity. Play this loud!

‘FANS’ – Kings of Leon

As soon as this song starts, the sun starts to shine somewhere. I’ve spent many a rainy
London afternoon listening to this, letting it take my head to a far-off sunny place. It gets
your feet tapping, your head nodding and the corners of your mouth lifting!

‘10,000 EMERALD POOLS’ – Børns

This song mellows your whole body and soul in one swoop. Its laid-back tempo and
angelic vocals are like a cool summer breeze. I always start moving at half the speed when
this is playing, and I switch from racing around to swaying with a smile. Blissful.

‘40 DAY DREAM’ – Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

This band are the masters of creating a party atmosphere at their gigs, where everyone
sings and dances and gets to know their neighbour. This song is a perfect example of how
they go about their business. It’s one big happy family singalong.

‘TRENCH TOWN ROCK’ – Bob Marley

Telling the story of the power of music so perfectly. This atmospheric song says it all!

‘MYKONOS’ – Fleet Foxes

The musical equivalent of a mojito, this song makes me sink into my chair and breathe a
sigh of relief. It’s joyful and relaxing and an all-round ball of bliss.
‘PHENOMENAL WOMAN’ – Laura Mvula
Everything about this lady’s voice is the dream. She is my all-encompassing female power
hero. This song is high-energy happiness.

‘I GOT U’ – Duke Dumont

Even if you didn’t hear this on holiday, you will feel nostalgic for the last beach you visited
when this songs plays. It makes me feel hopeful and excited for what lies ahead.

‘LOUD PLACES’ – Jamie XX

This song is more of an atmosphere than anything else. It makes everything around you
come alive and has such a happy cinematic quality. It’s soft but upbeat at the same time,
which is the perfect balance.

‘OOH LA LA’ – The Faces

This is a request by my stepchildren, who adore this song. Seeing them sing along to it
with huge smiles is enough to make me beam from ear to ear.

‘MMMBOP’ – Hanson
This throws me straight back to being a teenager without a care in the world. The
summers seemed longer and hotter and are most definitely rose-tinted, but that’s the
beauty of being transported back in time with music.

‘SIGNED, SEALED, DELIVERED’ – Stevie Wonder

Any note Stevie sings is pumped and fuelled with joy. You can tell he is smiling when he
is singing this, which only makes it that bit more infectious. Happiness, note by note.

‘COOL’ – Le Youth
This is another summer-coated song that makes me feel warmer from the second it starts.
Most songs that remind me of the summer infuse me with feel-good vibes; this is most
definitely one of them.

‘9 TO 5’ – Dolly Parton
I had to included this, as I adore Dolly, and it’s impossible not to dance to this song. It’s an
all-round crowd-pleaser when I DJ and I will never ever get bored of it.
 It’s strange that the negative is usually so much louder than the positive. It
shouts from above in a gravelly, alarming tone and seems much bigger than any
positive nearby. Positivity seems to have a gentle whisper that can get
overlooked or taken for granted. But that’s because it doesn’t need to shout or
stomp about. It is self-assured and grounded.

YOUR MIND CAN CHANGE

We know the brain has the capacity to change as we look back on our own lives.
We can adapt and change our habits and thought processes, whenever we want
to – a liberating epiphany that I regularly stumble upon. Aha! I can change.
Freedom!
Once we recognise this, we can start to steer our lives in whatever direction
we desire. We all fundamentally want joy and happiness in our lives, so if that’s
the foundation of all of our life choices then it makes decision-making that bit
easier. We can use our minds to seek out the positive and joyful in each
moment and to gravitate towards people and activities that feel good.
I have found that when I get into a habit of thinking in this way, I naturally
see more positivity. It seems to spring up out of the blue and is much more
prevalent all round. If you go to the gym for a few months, you’ll find that the
exercises you found tough on week one are now much easier and feel more
natural to you. It’s the same with how we train our brains to think. After a
while, grabbing hold of the plusses in life doesn’t feel like such an effort, and
you seem to seek them out more frequently and with ease.

THE RIPPLES OF YOUR HAPPY MIND

Keeping in good mental shape is a necessity, not only for me but for my family.
I want to be in the best headspace possible for my children and my husband, so
we can continue having fun and raising our kids in a way that feels good to us.
When I’m in a good space mentally, I can spread my own good feelings to
others and let it ripple out to unknown places. I’ll smile at a stranger on the
street, and maybe this will give them a little positive boost that they then pass
on through their actions to those around them. This will in turn ripple out to all
the people’s lives around THEM and help to keep those feel-good vibrations
moving on across the planet. It doesn’t take much. Just one little moment or
gesture. It all helps the bigger picture. So get your mind in good shape,
remember it’s a daily exercise, and let your own feel-good magic spread as far
as it can.

SUMMARY
TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR MIND.
You’re in control of it. Don’t let your habits or fears run the show.

REST YOUR MIND.

Give it space to breathe and find creative outlets to help slow down the cogs.

YOU CAN CHANGE.

Freedom! You’re writing your own story – don’t ever feel confined.

OceanofPDF.com
 ACTIVITY

WHAT DOES HAPPY MIND LOOK LIKE TO

YOU?
Write one word or draw a picture here that sums it up

OceanofPDF.com
 HAPPY BODY
This chapter is not about weight loss, toned abs or faddy diets. It’s about love, respect and gratitude. My
relationship with my own body has changed massively over the years and has morphed from one of
anguish, destruction and abuse to one of love, comfort and thanks – a much happier place to be.
I LOVE my body. I’m not talking about an aesthetic love where I spend hours adoring my calves in a
mirror, I’m talking about viewing my body as a miraculous machine that can self-heal, create and move.
A happy body to me is one that feels comfortable. One that is fuelled in a balanced way, rested when
possible and one that is enjoyed rather than criticised.

HAPPY BODY = HAPPY MIND

It may seem obvious to mention that our bodies and minds work together and
have a vital and strong alliance, but I think stopping to take note of this makes
us feel slightly more in control. With the gargantuan power our minds have the
ability to apply, combined with the strength of the human body, we can do so
much, or very little. And it goes both ways, by looking after our bodies, our
minds can feel the equilibrium so essential to feeling happy and calm.
 Our bodies have to work in tandem with our minds and I think we might have
slightly lost this connection over the years. These days we see our bodies as a
separate and tangible portion of our makeup, while our minds fling about
elsewhere, unrelated and without consequence. We exercise in the gym to get
a better body and eat food to fuel it; while we go to school to flex our brain,
and watch TV or read books to zone out. Rarely do we think of the two as a
vital partnership that needs to run at the same speed and with the same goal in
mind.
In my twenties my goal used to be to achieve: run at a faster speed, work
more, feel excited and to push my own boundaries. My old ways and thoughts
seem a vast canyon away from today’s priorities. In that huge space lie a lot of
mistakes and mental and physical upheaval but, on the upside, all that took
place in that time has led me to my new set of life rules and tools.

I now aim, both mentally and physically, for a lack of adrenalin, a peace and a
balance that I would have previously found ‘boring’. Personally, what works for
me is having calm in my mind and my body so it can grow and function and
heal as needed. It means that I now sleep deeper and can deal with lack of sleep
(due to my gorgeous children!) a lot better. I have much more energy as I pay
attention to what goes into my body, and feel much happier in my own skin.
Mentally I am boosted and deal with stress a lot better if I’m in a calm place. I
also don’t feel led by my mind as much anymore, as my thoughts and stress
levels aren’t steering the ship so often. Some days, I can calm my physical side
with good thoughts and a positive mindset but equally I can quieten my mind
with slow and considered physical movements. Body and mind can work
alongside each other and also help each other out.
 LISTEN TO YOUR BODY
I constantly think back to my teens and twenties, when I had little regard for
my body and all that it was miraculously doing. I would work on many filming
projects at the same time, rushing from location to location, at times flying in
and out of time zones with no days off to rest. I didn’t see the point, as those
rest periods seemed like obstacles in this race to get me to where I wanted to
be. I would eat on the run and not care if the food was good fuel (I’m talking a
bag of sweets and a strong coffee for breakfast), and would work and move
until I was physically exhausted. I made choices that I simply would not make
now. During this time I partied until late without much sleep and I put little
energy into thinking about what fuel my body needed. Mentally, I chased
emotional highs and was always seeking adventure regardless of the outcome.
I made these decisions and my body suffered as a result. I was constantly
exhausted, had a greyish tinge to my skin and felt slightly on edge a lot of the
time. Although I think that naturally I would have grown tired of this fast-
paced way of living, this chapter ended more suddenly, in an implosion of
depression and physical stress that eventually led me down this wonderful new
path of seeking happiness.
 Being a teenager or twenty-something is a great time for pushing
boundaries, experimenting with what works for you and having immense fun, as
long as you listen to your inner compass telling you when you’ve pushed it too
far. I don’t regret the lack of sleep, or feeling overwhelmed when I worked too
much, I just wish I had listened to my instincts a bit more during this decade, as
this could have saved me a lot of stress. I could have eaten better and helped
my energy levels, and also respected my body’s strength and health a lot more
than I did. However, these are all lessons I learned in good time. One life
chapter has to come to a close for a new one to begin. This shift could be a slow
realisation that things might need to change or, like in my case, a quick cold
shock, but whichever way it happens, you’ll learn as you go and find new
comfort in where you end up.
I still seek physical and mental adventure these days, but from a place of
calm. I can feel the spectrum of all-round emotion but from a place where I’m
aware of the outcome it will have on my whole being.

BEST MATES

I now crave calm, peace and balance throughout. My mind and body have to be
mates, BEST mates, that work alongside each other and warn each other if one
side feels slightly weaker than the other. I can’t expect to have a great night’s
sleep physically if my mind is racing at 100 miles per hour. I can’t expect to get
out of a dark hole emotionally if I’ve been drinking lots of gin and not eating
properly. Why do we expect so much of our bodies without regard to what’s
going on upstairs? I often lie in bed at night after I’ve finished a long exciting
evening of filming and am met by a hard wall of insomnia. I have experienced
this for the past twenty years of my career, but still get wound up and irritated
that I can’t sleep. Recently I’ve tried listening to peaceful music on my way
home from work or a guided meditation (see here) to try to take the edge off
the adrenalin. If I don’t do this, I’ll have a shitty night’s sleep, wake early with
the kids and most definitely feel slightly bedraggled the next day. I have to put
that bit more effort into moving from exciting work mode back to grounded
ready-for-bed mode.
Let’s face it, strain is unavoidable in life. Many people have physically
demanding jobs which can take their toll. Even being a parent is demanding on
the body, from pregnancy through to carrying babies on hips, rushing around
after everyone but yourself and eating quickly and irregularly. Maybe your job
involves a lot of sitting, like my shifts at Radio 1 – I always felt stiff and
physically lifeless after a long day in my radio chair, and felt like I needed to
walk for miles to inject some energy back into my joints. Life can never be
plotted out in a dream sequence but there are ways we can give ourselves a
helping hand . . .

BE NICE TO YOURSELF
It all starts with gratitude for our bodies, something I had very little of growing
up. Now I am in awe of the human body. It is an incredible machine that is
unrivalled by any invention. It can self-heal, grow, change, move and create,
but we have to love it first.
There is a sweet experiment I saw online, started by Nikki Owen, where a
mum and her young son put two apples on two separate dishes, and each day
they would go to Apple A and say something like: ‘You are a wonderful apple,
look at your shiny green skin and beautiful spherical shape. Oh we love you
darling apple.’
Then they would walk to Apple B and say something like: ‘AND look at you!
So ugly and bulbous. You are the worst apple I’ve ever laid eyes on. How dare
you call yourself an apple, you gross monster of a fruit.’
Apple A remained a beautifully shiny green fruit for some weeks, whereas
Apple B crinkled and rotted more quickly than you would believe.
 What we can draw from this is that everything around us picks up on our
energy, good or bad. Our words and thoughts are powerful and not to be
underestimated. Used in the right way, words can do wonders. How do you talk
to your body? Is it Apple A or B? We’ve all been known to slam ourselves and
attach shame to our physical form, but if you start with humble gratitude for
its abilities, you’re heading in the right direction. Think great thoughts about
that amazing body, dream of what it can do and thank it for all it has given.
It may seem slightly odd to talk to yourself in the mirror each day but, hey, if
it helps, WHY NOT? Try giving yourself a pep-talk every day to boost your
confidence and to make you stop and realise how bloody brilliant you are. My
mum once gave me an affirmation necklace that said ‘YOU’RE AWESOME’
on it. Not ‘awesome’ in a 1990s surf way, but in a grateful, awe-inspiring way.
At first I cringed when I looked at the words and applied them to me, but once
I got my head around the meaning, I realised how powerful these sorts of
phrases can be.
If we constantly tell ourselves that we are useless at something, we will of
course end up being awful at it. If we give ourselves a little pep-talk or have a
phrase we say aloud to ourselves each morning, think of the possibilities. If I
have a big job ahead that I’m nervous about, I will often come up with a little
mantra that I will repeat in my head before going ahead with what is needed. It
could be: ‘I am strong and capable and will spread happiness with my words’, or
as simple as ‘loving kindness’, so that I remember to be kind to myself. I think
planting these thoughts in your subconscious really makes a difference to our
actions.

ACTIVITY
Dear Body,

Firstly, I would like to say sorry. Sorry that I haven’t always had the love and respect for
you that you so massively deserve. I used to take you for granted and give you little
thought and for that I can only apologise.
My mind used to trick me into believing that you were invincible. I thought I could
dash about on little sleep, erratic fuel and talk badly about you and that you wouldn’t
mind. I assumed you would tick along just fine and ignore my criticisms. I used to think
you weren’t good enough as you didn’t match up to the images I saw in magazines. You
were changing and maturing but I still mentally felt like a teenager so I felt trapped in you
and uncomfortable. I didn’t know how to dress you or move naturally with you and often
felt like running from you at a great speed. I took for granted the energy you allowed me
to use and the places you got me to.
I’m very sorry I occasionally smoked in my twenties. What a horrid and disrespectful
way to treat you. I’m sorry there were times when I drank too much and ate too little. I
knew deep down that wasn’t working for you as you showed me regular signs that you
needed more balance. I’m sorry I still occasionally stare at you in the mirror and talk
disrespectfully to you. Sometimes I just forget the good stuff.
 Now on to the huge and much needed THANK YOUs.
Thank you for growing two beautiful babies. I still don’t quite understand how you did
it without me having to use my mind in any way at all. Thank you for stretching and
expanding and changing my perspective on what you’re capable of. I could have done
without the severe morning sickness bit but, hey, we all have our faults. I guess that was
your own way of making me slow down to a different and necessary pace.
Thank you for working together with my babies to get them out. Again, my head can’t
fathom how you did this, but it remains the biggest game-changing moment for our
relationship. I was and still am in awe of you. You now have slightly saggier skin in areas
and fine ghostly white marks to remind me of your ability to stretch and change when
needed. I can now even look at those so-called imperfections and feel lucky and proud.
Thank you so much for getting me up Mount Kilimanjaro in my twenties. Such a great
adventure that I know was difficult and testing for you but in equal measures euphoric.
You kept moving and striving and didn’t give up even when hit with altitude sickness.
Thanks for all those nights on the dance floor where you swung about without care or
concern as blood pumped and music worked its way into your every cell. SO much fun!
Thanks for taking that delicious food I enjoy so much and converting it into energy so I
can get all of the ideas out of my head and make them a reality. Thank you for
withstanding heartache, sorrow, over-excitement and for overcoming illness and
exhaustion. You are a very clever machine that I now love and respect so much more.
Thank you, dear body. I accept you with all your quirks and characteristics and vow to do
so for as long as I can.

Thanks,
Fearne

We all abuse and neglect our bodies at some point in ours lives and all make conscious
efforts to be kind to it at others. Here is your chance to reflect on what your body has been
through in life so far and show thanks and respect to it. Write your own ‘Dear Body’ letter
on the next page . . .

Dear Body,
 BODY LANGUAGE

Stance can be applied in the same way. When I was about to have my daughter,
Honey, a relative of mine, Jane Cotton, told me that she had watched a gorilla
giving birth on film and noticed that the female primate stood with her chest
arched to the sky, arms held out wide and head thrown back as she powerfully
birthed her offspring. When Jane went into labour herself, she mimicked this
movement and had an amazing experience with a huge lack of fear and a lot of
power behind it all. I took this on board and tried it out in my own labour. I
visualised that incredible gorilla and allowed my body to stretch up and outward
to take up space and feel empowered.
If we walk into a room and inside we are feeling quite vulnerable and nervous
our body language often seems small and inward. If we trick our minds by
letting our bodies tell a different story, others pick up on these signals and will
be drawn to our perceived confidence and presence in the room. Maybe when
you were younger you managed to blag your way into a club by physically
holding yourself in a confident and empowering way? It is a powerful tool that
you can use, and eventually your mindset will catch up with your body and be
on-board with this new-found confidence.

MOVEMENT
Being active makes me feel alive. It can shift mental struggles while
simultaneously charging my body with strength and energy. I’m sure many of
you work in an office where you feel numb from sitting at your desk all day. You
might be full-time parents with no time to stop and think about your own
needs. Some of you might feel you’re coping just fine without any exercise in
your daily lives, but I really believe that a bit of movement doesn’t have to cost
an arm and a leg and there are clever ways to fit it around what you do daily.

WALKING’S CHEAP
Sometimes, when I’m cooking for the kids, I’ll put some fun music on and we’ll
all dance about, just to get our bodies on the move. I also love nothing more
than just going for a walk come rain or shine. Walking. The simplest of
movements that gets overlooked for expensive gym memberships and
unflattering Lycra leggings.
I’m having a huge love affair with walking and find it an amazing remedy for
many hurdles in life. Walking in the rain, sunshine, gales; in the city, in the
park, on my own or with loved ones . . . it is bliss. Rex is at an age where he will
walk a short distance before getting tired out so I’ll let him switch from walking
alongside me to the ride-on board on the back of of Honey’s buggy. We will go
on adventures looking for worms and slugs and get out of the house to get
those legs going.
Walking is the easiest and cheapest form of exercise that gets your heart rate
up and lungs expanding. Remembering that the aim is to feel good and get
your mind full of positivity which is a much stronger incentive than expecting
to look like Gisele by the end of the year. As soon as we give ourselves visual
goals of what we want out of exercise, we start to feel let down if things don’t
go our way. I just want the feel-good bit out of it and always have that in mind
if I’m feeling sluggish and low on energy. Moving our bodies will always benefit
our minds.
You can make it a part of your day no matter how busy you are. Walking to
work rather than driving, taking a walk at lunchtime, walking with your kids,
walking after dinner to get some fresh air. It can be done literally anywhere and
at any time.
I could walk for hours and at times have. I’ve done a few treks now that have
proved to be some of the best experiences of my life. There’s a clarity that
sweeps in during these lengthy walks. You’re geographically travelling, and
therefore your mind moves with you, shifting perspective and gathering new
thoughts.

Me and my dear friend Kye have always hit the pavements when we feel
troubled. We’ve walked for hours through parks, high streets, and fields all with
much to say and much willingness to listen. We’ll walk and talk until we have no
words left and blisters on our heels. So much ground can be covered physically
and mentally when you’re on the move, so much more than if you’re static in a
café nattering away in hushed tones.
 When I had Honey, a friend who’d recently had a baby would meet me at our
local park each week and we’d go for a long, slow hour-long walk and chat
about life. We were getting our postnatal bodies moving to help with that
healing process and were able to have a much-needed natter, too. Why not
arrange to meet up for a weekly walk with a friend to walk and talk together?
I also love to go walking on my own to get ideas. My brain is able to become
clear in a much shorter time span when I’m out walking. I don’t get distracted
by my creature comforts at home or tasks that need doing, I can simply focus
on my steps and my breath, leaving my head open to new ideas.
To me, walking is a total joy that gives me something new each time. Ditch
the heels, grab a mate and hit the pavement.

WHAT DOES IT FOR ME: YOGA

I have tried most physical workouts over the years. I’ve climbed a big mountain,
I’ve extensively cycled, run the odd half marathon and danced until my toes
bled at dance school. I have taken so much from all of these wonderful and
exciting physical adventures but these days what works for me exercise-wise is
the odd run and yoga.
I know lots of people can feel a bit apprehensive about yoga, but it’s honestly
the one activity that navigates me to that blissful territory where my mind and
body work in tandem and can be both calm and grow stronger simultaneously.
Sometimes in a busy week that one hour of yoga can be the only time I feel
truly sane and balanced in this crazy world we live in. Its slow and considered
flow allows my body to reach its own potential without striving for a goal or
adrenalin rush. It allows my muscles to strengthen without stress and creates a
flexibility that raises my energy levels and opens my heart. The cogs stop
churning in my overactive mind and a silent bliss blankets the usual noise.
 Since taking up yoga I feel physically the best I have ever felt. After Rex was
born, my energy levels hit rock bottom and I felt weak from being heavy and
pregnant for what felt like forever. My muscles had repositioned themselves in
alien territory and new skin folded around my sore bones that hadn’t been
there before. The thought of the gym felt overwhelming and even imagining a
pair of sporty Lycra leggings made my toes curl.
My first yoga class felt strange. I was nervous, and felt like it was the first day
of school when I headed to my first lesson. Each position was new and
unnatural to my postnatal form and I sweated just moving into a downward dog
pose. At first, the physical side of it was all-consuming, so my thoughts
naturally drifted to a back pocket of my brain while I concentrated on not
falling over or farting.
After about six months I started to understand how my body should feel in
each posture, and I found I could go that little bit further with each move. I
could explore my own potential and sit on the edge of those boundaries
comfortably, but with effort applied. My mind started to open to the
undercurrent of spirituality which cements the yogic foundations and I had
that lightbulb moment: yoga classes are challenging but not stressful. They’re
restorative with great results and work perfectly in unison with the mind.
As you can tell, I have a deep love of yoga and all it brings. As soon as I hit
that mat it all unravels. If I’ve had a good day, my head will clear quickly to a
new-found clarity, and if I’ve had a bad day the fog will start to lift gradually
and I feel I can breathe properly again.
I go to a local yoga class when I can fit it around the children and work, but
mostly I do some simple moves at home in my kitchen. This is the joy of yoga.
It goes where you go.
Time can be tight in this day and age, so I’ve enlisted the help of my dear
friend and yoga queen Zephyr Wildman to come up with a restorative
sequence that you can do before bed, in your lunch break, or while the baby is
napping. It will only take a short amount of time, but will enhance the other
twenty-three and a half-odd hours of your day.

A YOGA CLASS FROM ZEPHYR

I went along to a local yoga centre with a mate from Radio 1 about five-
and a-half years ago to see what all the fuss was about. The first class I
stepped into was led by the incredible Zephyr. I was instantly struck by
her calm and grounded words that flowed alongside the movement. She
had recently lost her husband to cancer, and was looking after her two
young daughters while still teaching her yoga classes. She talked openly
to us about her tough time and how yoga was her daily grounding during
this period of grieving. Her strength and attitude drew me in instantly.
After this serendipitous moment I became a Vinyasa yoga devotee, and
loved getting to Zephyr’s classes whenever I could. Over the years we
have become close friends and I love our friendship very much.
Zephyr has kindly made this calming sequence – which would be
perfect before bedtime – that I hope you’ll enjoy greatly. The breaths
should move with the poses, so each move signals an inhale or exhale. You
can, of course, hold the poses if you want a really good stretch, or to slow
right down mentally, but if you prefer a bit of flow then move through
these moves with grace and ease and with deep, long breaths that
complete each pose.
 Remember to make each movement count. Make sure energy is
rushing through to your toes and fingertips as you stretch up and out as
much as you can. Keep your muscles active and strong throughout to
help with strength and balance. Work at a pace that feels good to you.
Keep your mind focused on the breath and its importance, and this will
help to clear your mind.

1) Start off with your legs crossed. Breathe in as you stretch your arms out in front of you,
so that your forehead travels towards the floor, feeling your hips open and your spine
lengthening. Hold here. Still with your arms outstretched, gently take your arms across the
floor to the right of you, bending at the hips. Hold and then repeat this to the left hand
side.

2) Slowly return to your cross legged seated posture. Place your right hand on the floor at
a right angle to your body, bending your elbow. Then reach your left hand up above your
head and over to the right side, creating a straight line from your fingertips down to your
hip. Hold the pose, and then repeat on the other side.
3) Bring your arms back down. Place your left hand on your right knee and gently twist at
the hips so that your right arm travels behind you and your finger tips or hand presses
against the floor, ensuring that your back remains straight. Breathe in to feel the
lengthening of your spine and hold. Exhale and then repeat to the other side. This is a
wonderful twist!

4) Come back to seated posture. Extend your arms in front of you, with your left arm
slightly below your right. Then bend both your elbows and wrap your right forearm over
your left. Press your palms together if you can. With your arms in this position, bend at
the base of the spine so that you’re looking up. Then slowly curve your spine the other
way so that you are looking down. Repeat with your left forearm on top. Release your arms
and come back to your crosslegged posture. Place your hands flat on the floor behind you.
Arch your back and feel the stretch of your spine.

5) Now come to all fours. Arch your back, push your belly down and your bum up. Power
energy through your arms and look to the sky.
6) Then tuck your bum in, arch your back up and continue to keep your arms energised
and strong, with your head tucked under.

7) Come back to all fours. Extend your right leg behind you so your toes are flexed and
pushing into the floor, keeping your leg strong and straight. Place your right palm flat on
the ground in line with your left toes. Your left knee should be directly over your left foot.
Take your left arm straight up, turning your torso slightly to the left for a nice stretch.

8) Bring your left hand back to your knee, then take your forearm down onto the ground,
and bring your right forearm down to join it. Keep your right leg strong and straight
behind you and make sure your left knee is still directly over your left foot.

9) Now take your weight onto your right knee so that your left leg can straighten and
stretch out in front of you. Outstretch your arms so that your hands are either side of your
foot to assist with this stretch. Repeat the last three moves with the other leg.
10) Come to all fours then stretch up with straight arms and legs so that your bum is in
the air and your palms are flat on the floor with your fingers splayed. Imagine a straight
line from your hands to your bum, and your bum down to your feet. Don’t worry if your
heels aren’t fully flat on the floor.

11) Float your left leg upwards and bend at the knee. Hold the pose, ensuring that your
breath continues to flow and your shoulders remain square to the floor.

12) Float your leg that is in the air through your arms so that it is now bent and flat on the
floor in front of you. Extend your right leg out straight behind you. Keep your palms on
the floor firmly in front of you to ensure your back remains straight. Make sure your sit
bones are planted firmly on the floor. Then stretch both hands out to the right of you, with
your head down, to feel a nice stretch along the left of your body.

13) Bring your right leg forward and lean over it, holding the pose. Then place your right
hand on your left knee and turn at the base of the spine so your left hand travels behind
you. Come back to position 10 and repeat steps 11–13 with the other leg.

14) Now come to a sitting posture where both legs are outstretched, your hands are on the
floor at your sides and your chest is lifted whilst you hold your belly firmly in. Imagine a
piece of string pulling the crown of your head towards the sky. Hold the pose and breathe
deeply.

15) Come down to lying position with your back on the ground and your arms either side
of you. Bend your knees and tuck your feet close to your bum.

16) Take your arms above your head and use your feet to push your hips as high into the
air as possible. Hold the pose breathing into all those areas that feel tight. Release.

17) Now bend your knees and take your legs to the left of you, with your right arm
stretched out the other way and your face turned to that direction. Hold the pose, then
turn the other way.

18) Bring your legs back to the centre and turn your knees outward with your feet pressed
together, and your hands resting on your lower abdomen. Breathe in and out deeply and
recognise how the whole of your body feels.
 BREATHING
To round off this chapter I’m going to hit on BREATHING! This is a huge part
of yoga, and a huge tool in your arsenal. How simple is breathing? Well, not
very, it seems. I realised through yoga that as soon as I feel unnerved or
anxious, I hold my breath at the top of its inhale. My chest puffs out and
solidifies with a spiky fear until I’m forced to quickly pant and exhale. I hate this
feeling. Yoga is helping me to keep a steady fluid breath that will help my mind
and physically get things working as they should inside.
Breath is so powerful. It can calm our physical and mental state very quickly
indeed. ‘Take a deep breath’... how many times have we had that advice forced
down our throats at a seemingly inappropriate tense moment? But it does
work. Long, deep and steady breaths level out our nervous systems and calm
our every cell while pulling the mind back to a gentle wave of consciousness.
This is my happy place!!! And I hope it can be yours, too.

SUMMARY
HAPPY BODY = HAPPY MIND.
Look after your body and it will work beautifully together with your mind.

BE NICE TO YOURSELF.
Thank your body and see the good in it, every day.

GET MOVING.
However small or simple the activity, get moving and let the endorphins flow.

OceanofPDF.com
 ACTIVITY

WHAT DOES HAPPY BODY LOOK LIKE TO

YOU?
Write one word or draw a picture here that sums it up

OceanofPDF.com
 HAPPY FAMILIES
Family: a clan, a gang, a related community. A deep-rooted love that always brings me back home. It
makes me instantly remember what I truly care about, and the morals I base my life upon. Those family
foundations in life where blood or deep love connects us can be so very powerful and beautiful.
I love that feeling of belonging in my family. Whether it be my direct family who are my world, my
extended family who I can fall comfortably in line with, or ‘friend’ families who offer comfort and
familiarity, they’re the people that connect the dots between your past, present and future.

MAKE THE MOST OF FAMILY

I didn’t give family life much thought growing up. What’s going on around you
as a kid is your ‘normal’ and you expect everyone else is having similar
experiences elsewhere.
 It’s only when I became a parent myself that I truly understood family life and
recognised its importance. Others may have made this discovery much earlier
in life, and without having children of their own, but for me it was a
breakthrough moment. I had taken for granted many aspects of the family set-
up before this epiphany and also hadn’t realised that the dynamic of a family is
constantly shifting, so is therefore a very delicate structure: babies are being
born, older relatives are passing on, children are growing up and forming their
own ideas, some family members may move away or get lost in a tangle of
disagreement. The relationships and bonds in a family are forever evolving,
morphing to fit around life’s natural progression.
Growing up, I was lucky enough to have two strong, yet very different,
parental figures that guided me through my childhood and my teenage years.
My mum is a very tenacious female figure in my life who has bold ideas and puts
a lot of force behind them. She has always given me that extra boost of
determination when needed. My dad is the calm anchor to the family, always
offering unbiased and grounded advice when asked. I’m forever grateful for the
support and freedom they gave me as I was growing up and working so young.

When I was growing up, my family was of an average size, with a gang of
cousins who we holidayed with and four grandparents that lived until I was in my
twenties. I am lucky enough to be able to take myself back down memory lane
to scenes of us all camping in the summer and gorging on fresh baguettes.
Growing up in the 1980s in a working-class suburb of London, with this gang
around me, felt pretty good. We would gather at Christmas, birthdays and for
summer barbecues and enjoy the simple pleasures of laughter and food.
Now that I’m older and find myself in my own new tribe, I am getting to grips
with the detailed inner workings of our gang and how we can be at our strongest
for each other. I feel fortunate that my husband and I have a strong union and
friendship that allows us to work together and share the same vision for how we
want to raise our children.
There is an inexplicable strength that lies within a family, and that can be an
incredibly powerful force. Barriers are broken down quickly, and courageous and
selfless acts take place in a heartbeat. I’ve experienced this first-hand from
many lovely people in my family when times have been tough. Being on the
receiving end of these selfless, loving gestures has been unexpected and game-
changing for me. When I had a terribly black time a while ago, before I had seen
a doctor or even considered it might be depression, my aunty and mum came
over to my house with veggie sausage rolls and coffee, for a gentle, kind chat.
Their advice and words, and simple offering of food, helped to steer me in the
right direction to seek help. I didn’t feel judged or pressured because a true,
deep-rooted love was being given to me with open arms. Family love at its best.
Another surprising moment was at my nan’s funeral. She was our last
grandparent to leave planet Earth and we all felt rather anxious and tearful
about the funeral. The ceremony itself was emotional and heavy, but as soon as
we all congregated at the local pub for a drink and reminisced, the love in that
room sent us all into fits of laughter as we recalled funny stories and
acknowledged that common theme that linked us all to the core. We
reconnected with my nan’s ninety-two-year-old brother Haydn too. He is my
connection to Nan and carries that family resemblance, thought process and
history that I sometimes forget to give thanks for.
When you feel lost in life, or like something is missing, try and give thanks for
those close to you. They seem so permanent and obvious in their position in
your life that they can get overlooked at times. I’m part of a gang and, whether
it all runs smoothly or not, I’m privileged to have people around me that can see
past any quarrel and will forever hold me in their hearts.

HELLO TO . . . HAYDN
As I get older I feel much more in tune with what makes me happy, and
much more courageous in sourcing that inner well of goodness. I can let go
of the past that bit easier and not feel too scared for the future, either.
When my dear nan, Ruby, passed away, I felt a deep, nostalgic sadness. At
her funeral I reconnected with her brother Haydn who was the life and soul
of the occasion. Even though he had just lost his only sibling, he managed to
keep up the morale by telling wonderful stories and making us all laugh.
Walking away I felt so inspired, and realised that a greater sense of
perspective must be reached as years pass us by. I email Haydn most weeks
now and love hearing his views on life. Here follows his own thoughts on
happiness after an almighty and glorious ninety-two years on Earth. What
an insight. Thank you, Uncle Haydn.

“ HAYDN: Have I cracked happiness? I am sure I was never an unhappy

person. I lived for people to laugh with me, and always tried to find the
amusing side of life. I never sold doom and gloom – it was never part of my
ethos. When faced with adversity, I’ve alway managed to stay positive. I
always try to think ‘what’s the point of being miserable?’ Only by looking on
the bright side will things improve.
 My first memory of feeling happy was when I was four and a half. It was
Christmas, 1928. That time of year was joyful, despite the fact that money
was very scarce: it meant paper chains which we stuck together and used to
decorate the rooms downstairs – all great fun for my sister Ruby and me.
Perhaps my first memory of snow was at that time, and it fell thick and
heavy. The following year, I was allowed to roll about in it despite the
discomfort that followed – the wet overcoat and much more. It was a
wonderful experience and remained in my memory as a very happy
occasion. Really, it was a selfish act and caused extra work for my loving
mother who had to dry me out, but I thoroughly enjoyed the experience.
I was never more at ease than when I was with others, regardless of who
they were: family, friends or strangers. Sadly, I lacked a formal education,
but I learned to be interested in what people had to say – listen carefully,
you will learn something every time. I also learned never to speak over other
folk talking to me.
Presently, happiness is being able to look after Pamela, the mother of our
children, who has no memory of yesterday and only spasmodic glimpses of
our past life together. We overcome this by looking at photos – fortunately I
always took masses of pictures, and I am blessed with patience, which helps
no end. My other passion, which gives me much happiness, is my
commitment to leaving a legacy to our children which will help them and, in
turn, support our grandchildren in higher education and assist them onto the
first rung of the property ladder. We are so fortunate to have loving
children.
In my younger days my ‘happiness modes’ came from enjoyment just for
me, a self-centred attitude which I overcame after one of my advisers at
work told me, ‘Whatever you do, just be sure you give the credit for your
achievements to your staff’. I found that gave me more pleasure and
happiness than anything I had experienced before.
 Do these happy moments stand out? Absolutely! I never look back at
unhappiness. Learn a lesson from it, by all means, but don’t dwell on it. It
serves no useful purpose. ”

‘UNCONVENTIONAL’ FAMILIES
However small, big, loud, shy, retiring, or ever-growing your family is, they’re
yours and you are part of it. The shape and size of your family doesn’t matter,
it’s the feeling of belonging which does.
Our set-up has never been conventional but it works for us and feels fun and
bustling, which is how we like it. When I met my husband he already had two
children. Being a stepmother is an honour and something I take great care in
trying to get right. I’m not trying to be their mum as they have that role model
in their life already. I’m around to give support, love and stability when they
need it and to have a clear and honest relationship with them. My husband and I
have been very open with my stepchildren from the moment we met – I think
communication is key to making everyone feel safe and comfortable. If all
involved understand what is going on around them, and what changes may take
place, then you can all go on a journey together that isn’t scary or a shock.
When we got pregnant with our first child, Rex, we told my stepchildren,
Arthur and Lola, before anyone else. They then became a vital part of that
pregnancy and life experience. They eagerly helped welcome Rex into our
family home and became doting older siblings, excited by their new team
member. When we decided to get married, again the kids were the first to know.
They helped pick our wedding cake flavours and music for the big day and had a
role that felt exciting and uniting. Our second child, Honey, is now the
youngest member of our family unit and, again, the older siblings are so helpful
and adorable with her as they knew what was going on every step of the way.
 ACTIVITY
Families are such a wonderful mixture of joy, safety and irritation! Each family member will
offer you something whether it be from a positive or negative place.
Without too much thought, quickly write down the first word that springs to mind when
you think of each family member. After you’ve written this list go back and work out what
can be gained from embracing each of these words and what they offer you in life, whether
that’s support or a learning.

MUM:
DAD:
STEPMUM:
STEPDAD:
BROTHER:
SISTER:
BROTHER:
SISTER:
BROTHER:
SISTER:
GRANDMA:
GRANDAD:
GRANDMA:
GRANDAD:
AUNTY:
AUNTY:
 UNCLE:
UNCLE:
COUSIN:
COUSIN:
COUSIN:
COUSIN:

Blended families are much more prevalent in recent years, but there’s still a
newness and uncertainty around how it should all work. We don’t give it much
thought these days as this just IS our family set-up. We know no different and
we have made it work for us.

PARENTS AND CHILDREN

Being a parent can be particularly overwhelming, but I wouldn’t change it for
the world. I can’t speak for dads, but being a mum is EVERYTHING: it’s
extreme joy, extreme exhaustion, extreme frustration, extreme elation, extreme
pride, extreme worry and everything else in between.
I never take being a mum for granted but I do find some aspects of parenting
tricky, as it’s so overwhelming seeing these two creatures I grew in my belly
navigate their way through this weird old life, with me as one of their main
guides.

ACTIVITY
 Draw a family portrait or stick in your favourite family photo here.

I’ve been broody since I can remember, but motherhood certainly turned out
to be very different to how I had imagined. The love I feel is a love I couldn’t
have envisaged before giving birth. I love my husband to the soul but it’s a
different kind of love with my children. No more or less, just different. This love
feels so huge at times that it gets wound up in frustration or worry and makes
me doubt if I’m doing a good enough job. This love makes me care so much that
I, like many other mothers, feel I’m not doing my best. This part of motherhood
I did not expect. I thought I’d feel carefree and laid back, but that is very rarely
the case. This is a realisation that happens overnight. One minute you’re
pregnant and full of anticipation and excitement, the next you’ve had the baby
and are heaped with worry and self-doubt. Luckily, these new and unfamiliar
feelings are compacted with a pure love so strong that the worrying wafts in and
out of the scene.
I clearly remember how I felt when we first took Rex home, and how I
couldn’t quite believe that there would be no midwife to give me round-the-
clock advice. How on earth would I keep this small human alive and still manage
to clean my own teeth and take the odd shower? That first step into the
unknown territory of parenting felt strange but time helps you settle into your
groove of having a family. I’m at a stage now where we all know our role within
our close family unit, and have a clear idea of what will and won’t work. We have
plenty of blissful times seeped in laughter and family joy, and while there are
moments of chaos, I know that underneath the pile of dishes in the sink, and
beneath that peanut butter-smeared Lego on the floor, is a thick layer of that
family love that I am so blessed to have.
I still get overwhelmed with the love I feel for my kids and the love they give
me. I feel like the luckiest person on earth when I look at their faces. I love being
a mum and having this magical dynamic with my kids and stepkids. It has
brought so much energy and soul to my life and for that I am full of the deepest
thanks.
For those whose life agenda doesn’t include becoming a parent, that same
love is, of course, still there for the taking from the people around you, whether
that’s parents and siblings, or nieces and nephews. Stop and take note of it; feel
the layer of love underneath all the mayhem and let yourself feel full on it.
 ACTIVITY

Seeing things from another angle sometimes helps

us walk down that road to happiness. See if this
approach can help you with any family tensions you
 currently have – and if you have some pencils
handy, why not colour the family tree here in?!

MUM GUILT
Running a family and being a working woman throws up many new challenges
that I hadn’t even imagined.
I grew up in a working-class family, and lived a comfortable life due to my
parents’ constant hard work and organisational skills. I paid little attention to
this as it was our ‘normal’ and I was too busy being a kid. Mum worked up to
three jobs at a time, as an orthodontist nurse, cleaner, and clothing company
delivery driver, while my dad was, and still is, a busy sign writer. This work ethic
rubbed off on me in a huge way, and is at the root of how I run my life.
I want to work, and I love my job very much, so have to find a balance that
works for me and my children and stepchildren. This causes me much grief as
I’m never sure I’m doing my best at any of it. I often wish there were at least
four more hours in the day where I could do all the stuff I have on my ever-
growing checklist. Mum guilt is an element of parenthood that I’m still working
on. I find talking to other working mums really helps, as they can offer up great
advice and their own personal stories. There will always be pros and cons to
working, or choosing not to. Knowing you’ve made a decision for the right
reason, for YOU, should really be enough, but I have to constantly remind
myself of this.
I feel very fortunate that after all these years of working I now work partly
from home and can choose to put my full attentive energy into projects I really
adore. I feel very lucky to have got to this point in my career, and hope that by
going to work and thoroughly enjoying it, I’m demonstrating to my kids that it is
possible, and that they can work hard and achieve their desired goals. You have
to grasp the positives from your own situation and remember how that choice
will affect your kids in a positive way, whether you’re out working or not.

TRICKY FAMILIES
The network of family outside of our little home units will always be expanding
and complex, and it’s almost a dead certainty that you’ll not see eye-to-eye
with certain members of your extended family at some point.
I was aware of struggles and tensions in parts of my family when I was growing
up, but understood little about them. There were some family members that
wouldn’t speak to others, and hushed tones in certain situations. But I don’t
think this is unusual in any family tribe – families are made up of very different
minds and spirits who, after all, just happen to be blood-related.
I have had complicated relationships with some members of my family that I
regularly mull over and get anxious about, and I’m not sure that side of it is ever
easy. But, like with anything, it offers something to learn from. These tribes
we’ve created or have fallen into are a constant reminder of what we personally
need to work on or develop. Families are complicated, but I think if we all get to
know what our own roles are within them, then we can start to unravel
behavioural patterns and be slightly more aware of the needs of those around
us. What do you feel your role is in your own family unit? Are you the
organiser? The troublemaker? The boundary pusher? The mediator? The
listener? Do you feel comfortable in that role, or do you feel pressured into it
by others? If you feel like you’re carrying more weight than you should, or are in
a role you don’t want any more, is there potential for this to change? Is there a
way you could delegate what feels like too much for you? Or, maybe, do you
see those around you struggling? Is there a way you can help unburden them?
Only you will know these delicate situations and how much change is possible.
It might sound slightly grating, but the people that cause us to constantly
react are usually the ones who are teaching us the most. They’re the ones
making us dig deeper and take a look at our own actions and feelings around
family life. It’s how we deal with those situations that counts. I love my family
and extended family very much, so to be totally honest, I don’t feel comfortable
writing about the intricacies of our own inner workings and dynamics. But what I
will say is this: in any family there are easy relationships and ones which require
more work. We all face these challenges in life. I’ve been part of and witness to
family feuds and tension on occasions and have reacted differently and from
different perspectives. I always strive to react from a place of love and with an
open heart but I do get dragged into the drama and the past. I know over the
years I’ve lashed out and hurled loaded words out of frustration and resentment,
rather than looking at the bigger picture and keeping my heart and mind open.
All we can do is strive to unburden ourselves of anger and frustration and
embrace a more positive perspective. It can only lead to more peace and,
ultimately, happiness.

ACTIVITY
Who is the person you are concerned about seeing at your next family gathering?

..............................

What do they do that causes you to react in a negative way?

How does it make you feel?

How do you react to this behavioural pattern?

 How would you like the next family gathering to play out?

How you would like to react if tension arises?

How would it feel to say goodbye to the old patterns and stories you’ve experienced? Be as
honest as you can, as sometimes it’s a tough tie to let go of.

I mentally go through this checklist when I know I’m facing a similar situation, and it helps
me clear my mind of expectations. Freedom! You’re in control. Get visualising.

VISUALISE THE GOOD

If you know a family get-together is looming and there could be rumblings of
tension or an ongoing negative situation, why not try and run though a positive
scenario in your head en route? Firstly, try to let go of your preconceptions. If
we assume certain scenarios will take place and particular words will be spoken,
then we are already setting ourselves up for a fall. We have pre-conceived ideas
of what’s going to happen, so they’ll more than likely be met with what we are
expecting. Instead, why not try to do the exact opposite? Travel there with an
open mind, knowing that there may be uncomfortable moments, but that you’ll
be okay and that you are in control of your reactions. Whatever you are met
with, you can then digest and react to it in a controlled way. Remember that no
one has power over you, even if it feels like it. This is easier said than done but,
like most things in life, with a little practise it gets much easier. Think of it as an
experiment for the day. Think to yourself: ‘What would happen if I reacted in a
totally different way to the way I normally do?’
 Perhaps your aunty always brings up something embarrassing from your past
and you react with anger and passive aggressive tones, before leaving abruptly
for a journey home loaded with rage-fuelled rants. What if, when these
moments occur, you take her to one side and in a loving way explain to her how
uncomfortable this makes you feel and that you are hoping for a family get-
together filled with laughter and love. This may be a completely unnatural thing
to do, but it might just break the chain of behaviour that’s been continuing for
years.
Maybe your sister always acts like a baby when she is with your parents, which
in turn makes them dote on her in a way they don’t you. Your usual instinct and
reaction might be to close down and shut off your own communication with
them. You create a ripple effect that sends them deeper into this dynamic, and
you feel alienated and annoyed. You could instead try to view where your sister
is at in life before you react. Perhaps she needs more attention and love from
others than you do. This is her own personal weakness and it doesn’t have to
affect you and your own happiness. You could either openly ask your sister why
her behaviour changes in these moments, as she may not have even noticed it
herself, or you could just let it play out each time you’re all together, but step
back and not let it affect how you interact with them.

If you do have family turmoil, then why not use your journey to these
gatherings to visualise it all going exactly as you wish? Imagine a reality you
want. Think of it as a fun experiment. It might not work right away, but it will
alter your mindset enough to embrace whatever lies ahead.
Sometimes we can all be guilty of enjoying the drama. It gives us topics to talk
about on the way home, allows us to release some inner rage, or simply feels
natural, as it has become a pattern in your life. If you are happy jogging along
like this then do what feels right, but if you really want change and are tired of
any repetitive hurt and angst, then start visualising what you want to see in
front of you and make it happen.

GIVE THANKS
The most important thing to remember is that there will always be tough
moments within family life, but they are not exclusive to my family or your
family – we all experience them sometimes. I think as long as everyone
communicates honestly and approaches situations of potential conflict from a
place of love, peace can be found. Don’t be afraid to break habits of the past;
don’t accept awkwardness or tension because it has always been there. Try to
solve it, and if you can’t – learn from it.
Above all, give thanks to the gang you’re in. Whether this be blood family or a
tribe you’ve chosen to be part of, give thanks to the ones that make you laugh,
the ones that challenge you the most, and to the power that your combined
love can offer. Know that no matter what is going on in your clan, LOVE
cements the foundations. Each member of your family was born from love and
has it pumping through their veins, whether they show it or not. Lean in to that
love, encourage that love and give it right back.
 SUMMARY
MAKE THE MOST OF FAMILY.
Take time to remember the things they have done for you and acknowledge the happiness their
support can bring.

STEER AWAY FROM ‘MUM GUILT’.

There’s no right or wrong so don’t beat yourself up. Whether you need or choose to work, or
you’re a stay-at-home mum, your kids will gain from your ethics and love no matter what.

VISUALISE THE GOOD.

Don’t assume family drama before it happens; approach it with an open heart and mind.

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 ACTIVITY

WHAT DOES HAPPY FAMILIES LOOK LIKE

TO YOU?
Write one word or draw a picture here that sums it up

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 HAPPY THANKS
Saying thank you is such an easily exercised gesture that, sometimes, we forget its meaning. We say it
when someone makes us a cup of tea. We breathe it when the sun shines. We growl it when really we
mean the opposite. We snarl it sarcastically to get a response. We shout it aloud to the skies when a long-
awaited moment arrives. We hear it all day long spoken in these different contexts but not often
understanding its sometimes throwaway facade. But when those words are spoken and meant sincerely,
tectonic plates in your own world move and your horizon expands.
 A HABIT TO LEARN
Learning to live with gratitude is a habit and one worth practising. I guess it’s
like remembering to drink lots of water in the day so you feel hydrated and
energised. It doesn’t always naturally slip into your life, but once it’s part of
your day, you don’t have to think about it so much.
Saying ‘thank you’ is a habit we weave into our everyday lives from a young
age. We were all taught it to sound polite in conversation, but it’s as adults that
we can really unearth the power of those words and feelings. Feeling gratitude
– real, whole gratitude – comes in spontaneous waves when you’re on the edge
of sheer bliss, where it feels only right to smile and beam a big THANK YOU
for the simple things that lie in front of you. Saying it and really meaning it can
massively awaken your senses and perspective to what there is in life to feel
thanks for.
I love to say thanks in many ways. Letters, cards, flowers, hugs, kisses. I’ve
been brought up to say thank you in the most obvious way you can, with
meaning backing it up. I squirm at the thought of forgetting to use its full force
appropriately, and hope that those who have helped me in any way over the
years know how much I deeply appreciate it. I’ve always been bad at asking for
help or for favours, so when someone does something genuinely lovely off their
own back, I’m blown away. I instantly remember how gorgeous humans can be
and the power of that interaction. Equally, when others show their thanks, it’s
heart-pumpingly divine. You know that you’ve aided that person in some way
and that it meant something to them. This could be intentional or
unintentional, but it will still feel dreamy.

FEELING LUCKY
When we are feeling blue, or even worse, black, our main focus is on what we
feel is lacking in our lives. We lose sight of the precious and dear things right in
front of us, and have pin-sharp focus on what we DON’T have. Practising
gratitude enables you to look through a magnifying glass at the things you
know you feel lucky and happy to have, pulling out of focus the ‘lacking’ and
‘want’ and boosting the comfort and contentment you have in your current
life.
The wheels of our economy are spun by the feeling that we don’t quite have
enough. That one super-shiny pair of life-changing loafers might just be the
thing that makes you feel complete. That new turbo-charged, sexy sports car
might just fill the void you’re feeling. That new marshmallow-cosy couch could
just set your front room off perfectly and make you feel more in control of life.
Not everyone is caught up in this constant cycle of want, but most of us are on
some level. I have been witness to quite a few people who are completely
trapped in its grasp. Some of them unknowingly and some very openly. One
dear friend is very honest about their complete love of splurging on clothes and
furniture and they do get joy from it – as we all do when we buy or attain
something we are passionate about – but it’s never going to provide the
wholesome, long-term contentment, that we all seek from within.

ACTIVITY
 At times, buying into the fantasy of having stuff and needing stuff helps us
avoid looking at what is really going on in our lives on a deeper level. Being
thankful for what we already have – whether material or otherwise – is always a
good starting point.

WHY GRATITUDE IS GREAT

If you feel you haven’t achieved enough, you haven’t lived enough, you
AREN’T enough, then you’re only looking at a tiny piece of the puzzle that
makes up the intricate and unique person that is you. You’re illuminating the
lack of certain moments and qualities in your life rather than scoping out the
bigger picture. I do this all the time! So let’s say hello to our new best mate:
GRATITUDE. Along he comes on his white stallion with his shield in hand. He
is here to ward off the self-attack and make you see what is really going on.
Probably some pretty good stuff.
Gratitude, when truly meant and practiced, allows us to highlight those basic
things we may have overlooked that can be powerful enough to lift you out of a
pretty blue place. I try and do this when things get tough. When I hit my big
patch of depression, it felt very hard to cling onto anything. I knew I was
grateful, and I mean truly grateful, for my family but with that came a feeling
of guilt that I wasn’t doing my best to be there for them. My gratitude was
soaked through with this darkness, so I would turn even that tiny positive into a
negative.
Getting out of this pit required a combination of time, energy, people and
thought processes, but once I started to climb that rickety ladder I could truly
breathe life into that gratitude and magnify what I knew I had. I could peek one
eye out of my dark sunglasses and see I had many people around me that loved
me: my family and dear and special mates that I could talk to when I felt the
time was right.
Then the fact that I could paint or go for a run if I chose to came into focus. I
had that freedom, and remembering that brought a lighter shade of blue to the
forefront. I could listen to music and let that wash through my muddled head.
Noticing that felt good, clear, lighter. Reminiscing about glorious summer
holidays spent with dear friends, memories which no one could take away from
me. I could take long walks by the river and let my eyes focus on tiny ripples of
water and feel the breeze on my cheeks. This was possible, too. There were
other options that I could focus on and ultimately give thanks for. True thanks
that this was all around me and could be a greater part of my story once my
perspective shifted further. Even when you feel you have nothing in life, there
will be something near you or something you have experienced that you can
push your gratitude towards. It may seem tiny and insignificant but it will be so
worth it. It could just be the seed that grows and grows into a mighty tree.

A CLOSE-TO-HOME EXAMPLE
Like many of you, I have encountered some incredible people in my life who,
when faced with extreme adversity, have found that spark of something that
makes them feel alive and they have grabbed it by the heart and pummelled it
with gratitude. They set life and love alight, even when both seemed scarce and
desperate, and they started down a new path of thinking towards more positive
territory. This sort of mindset and way of life is constantly inspiring to me, and I
can only draw on these special individuals’ stories to get better at it myself.

ACTIVITY
With so much negativity in the world it is important for us to show a bit of positivity, no
matter how small, whenever we can. Write down or draw something that makes you smile
here.
 Now take a photo of this page and post it on social media! Happiness shared!

I’m particularly lucky that someone very close to me has this exact attitude,
and that is the person I’m married to. My husband Jesse lost his mum out of
the blue when life seemed to be rocketing along just fine. One minute he had a
mum, the next he didn’t. This devastating new hole in his life seemed
completely unfair and discombobulating. His compass spun out wildly as he
tried to grab onto anything that could help. A pretty shitty time. They were
very close indeed. Krissy had instilled in him beautiful social skills and a lust for
adventure and gave him sturdy support when he really needed it. Without her,
his world didn’t make sense.
He tried the numbing method to some extent, but more recently in life he
has taken a step further into it all and got to know how it really felt to be
without her. It has been painful and confusing at times, but he is constant in
one notion, and that is gratitude. He talks so fondly of her and his memories
are loaded with laughter and eye-rolls as he recalls moments of love and
hilarity. He is grateful for every moment she spent in his life and has mountains
of thanks for her strength and tenacity when he was growing up. He has turned
his loss and sorrow into a new story of memories and inspiration by being
thankful for her existence at all times. I find this truly inspiring and a firm
reminder of how powerful gratitude can be.

THE LITTLE THINGS

We don’t just have to be thankful for the momentous occasions, either – the
little things deserve a shower of gratitude, too. This is how we can get gratitude
in our lives every day. And if we can feel true thanks for the stuff we normally
overlook, it can make us much more aware of what’s really going on, too. For
instance, right now I’m sat in my kitchen on a bar stool typing on my laptop.
That could be my one sentence about what is going on for me right now, but if
I really use gratitude to work its magic, I can actually start to feel the night-
time summer breeze wafting through the nearby window; I can hear the call of
crows on the church wall nearby; I can feel thankful for the sweet cup of tea I
just drank; and whisper a soft thanks for the peaceful calm floating around my
house because my dreamy babies are asleep in their beds. This little non-
spectacular moment just switched up to be pretty special. It’s taking the focus
away from the negatives that could make an appearance in your script, by
covering everything else with gratitude.

THE TRICKY (BUT REWARDING) BIT

Now comes the really tricky part. Being thankful for the bad stuff. I don’t deal
well with this one so even writing about it is making my hands slightly stiffen
and my mouth curl at the thought. Why should we be grateful for the
downright unfair and awful? Why should we say thanks to people who have
done us wrong and bruised us deeply? Well, you certainly don’t have to, but it
helps to make that moment, and the fear that surrounds it, even smaller.
For example, I have talked a lot in this book about times when I’ve felt
overcome with sadness and anger and confusion. During those times I wasn’t
able to see through any of that thick and dirty murk. Even now, to actually feel
gratitude for these moments seems impossible, but when I manage to feel just
a drop of it, the load feels lighter. So, here goes.
I do know that from these times of darkness have evolved pure light. Would I
be writing this book – Happy – now if I hadn’t experienced the extreme other
side of the coin? Probably not. So thanks for that. Would I have the same
empathy if I hadn’t felt so low myself? Maybe not. So, thank you dark times.
Would I have met the great people in my life if I hadn’t been so desperately
climbing over the hurdles of unhappiness? Most definitely not.

Even moments that feel like tragic mistakes can be thrown some gratitude as
they would have taught you at least one new thing about yourself. Maybe
those moments have taught you to not judge others so much. Maybe they’ve
shown you how strong you can be when needed. Maybe they’ve introduced
you to a whole new side of life. When you’re in the epicentre of these times,
nothing seems possible, but when the storm passes, there, among a lot of
rubble and ash, will lie a few little moments to be grateful for. Those small
acorns might grow into mighty oak trees that you had never even imagined. It
won’t make those terrible times disappear, but this thanks might just make
living with them that bit more bearable.
I still struggle with the concept of showing gratitude for the unwanted bits in
life, but it’s getting much easier with time and practise.
 LITTLE THINGS
If you’re stuck for ideas, then getting down with nature is a really good, instant
way to throw a bit of thanks around. Nature is a majestic artwork that is
constantly changing and surprising us. There is always something new to see
and appreciate in nature, even if you’re not quite ready to put that focus on
your personal life just yet.
Just walk out of your front door and take a stroll for five minutes, take a few
deep breaths and look at the sky around you while opening your ears to the
nearby sounds. You might hear some birds, see a waft of pink in the evening sky
or feel some light rain on your eyelids: all tiny magical wonders to be grateful
for.
Start small by making those tiny things really count and work your way up to
what is going on inside further down the line. There will be a little magic out
there somewhere if you look hard enough.
Every now and again, I write down my gratitude list, as putting pen to paper
seems to help me focus even more acutely on the thanks I want to show. This is
one really easy way to get gratitude woven into your thinking, so you can use it
as a handy tool whenever it’s needed. Even if nothing particularly eventful
happened in your day, look for the magic that was perhaps going on around
you.
Write down a list of things that made you feel alive, or happy for that brief
moment. These can be big, wonderful ‘thank yous’ for the extraordinary or
they can be teeny tiny nuggets that felt significant to you.
 ACTIVITY
Being grateful is easy if you start small. Give thanks for the teeny-tiny things in life and
watch the power of that gratitude build into something great. These tiny building blocks
give all of us a better perspective on what is going on around us and let us view the
positives in tougher times. Write down small things you are grateful for in each box and
watch the heart fill up.
 HERE ARE MINE FOR TODAY:
• Thank you for my children’s laughter that seems to rattle through every
bone in my body, awakening my soul each time.
• Thank you for the sunshine that hit my cheeks when I was in the garden
earlier.
• Thanks to the few new people I met at work today, who were charismatic
and engaging. Always inspiring.
• I feel hugely grateful for every mouthful of food that went into my system
today, giving me energy I didn’t think I had.
• Thank you for that big old moon in the sky tonight. Beautiful.
• I feel grateful for the tricky relationships I have with some people in my life
as they continue to drive me to take a closer look at myself and how I can
react better.
• Thanks for my warm bed I’m about to slip into. The best feeling.
• I feel hugely grateful for all of those I love and those who love me. Such
comfort.

ACTIVITY

Write down your own gratitude list here.

Today I am thankful for:

 ACTIVITY
How are you feeling today?

HAPPY
ENERGISED
EXCITED
JOYFUL
FRUITY
LOVING
SCARED
SAD
LOW
BOUNCY
DRENCHED
HEAVY
 CONFUSED
BUBBLY
SPARKY
OVERWHELMED
NUMB
PRICKLY
STUCK
TIRED
FRAGILE

SUMMARY
USE GRATITUDE.
If you’re feeling down, noticing what you’re thankful for can help you recognise the good in the
world.

SEEK OUT LITTLE THINGS.

Look for small things to appreciate each day, not just momentous occasions.

THANK THE BAD STUFF.

Try to see the lesson, and be thankful for this stuff, too.

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s

ACTIVITY

WHAT DOES HAPPY THANKS LOOK LIKE TO

YOU?
Write one word or draw a picture here that sums it up

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 HAPPY SHARED
This might just be the most important part of the book. It’s about human connection, the magic that
happens when people work together, give and share; it’s the most powerful exchange of energy, where
inexplicable events can take place. From the hug I receive every morning from my three-year-old, Rex,
to the happy hellos at my local coffee shop, these are small moments that make being human bloody
lovely.
And when those mountains need to be climbed, they can be climbed with the support of great friends.
I feel very lucky to have a bevy of mates who I can offload to, and they can do the same with me. Even
just picking up the phone to my mate, Lolly, for a quick chat can be enough to change my mindset on a
worry or drama. Listening ears, empathetic reasoning and love felt, or honest words; these offer the
biggest help there is.

PART OF A PACK
I believe we’ve all learned to think as independent humans. We strive for what
each of us believes we need, and get competitive and single-minded about
pursuing our vision. We have forgotten that we are all part of one moving,
vibrating energy that ripples across the surface of the earth, an intricate
structure of energy that is completely connected. Somewhere down the line,
we have let this way of thinking slip, and when this happens we can get trapped
in loneliness and isolation and find ourselves at war with others, viewing them
as enemies or reasons to feel fear. This doesn’t have to be the case. Strangers
or people who think completely differently to us can sometimes offer so much
to our own lives. New thought processes, a fresh perspective or a new avenue
to walk down. Connection is the key to opening your heart and mind, which of
course, in turn, leads to happiness.
Being part of a pack, a gang, a team, a squad, a community, helps solidify
your foundations for a happy life. Human connection creates love, positive
revolutions, multiplied power and a web of courage and strength. What a joy it
is to stumble across wonderful beings that understand you and LOVE you, and
what a blessing it is to be able to love and understand others in this life, too.
Loneliness is a huge problem on this planet – it causes so much heartache
and desperation. No one should have to feel lonely; every one of us deserves to
have that unbreakable forcefield of friendship and love around them. If you feel
lonely reach out for support, it could be nearer than you think. If you see
someone that seems lonely, open your world up to them and help them see
how important that connection can be.
I have always been on the lookout for a gang. I love the sensation of
belonging, where inhibitions and barriers dissipate in seconds as you all revert
to your own pack lingo and stories. I’m extremely fortunate to have a very
tight-knit and beautiful friendship with five girls I went to school with. We grew
up in the same suburban town, all went on to have very different careers, and
now most of us have kids, so are experiencing motherhood together, too.
Whatever is going on in our lives, or however many months it has been since
we have all sat nattering together, we click back into our patterns and habits
and laugh about old times with the warmth of nearly thirty years of friendship
behind us. This is a group of individuals that I constantly feel lucky to have in
my life. No matter how lost I feel, I know I belong in this team of women. In
your own moments of feeling lost or down, draw on your own team and lean in
to them; depend on them and let them flex their friendship muscles.

ACTIVITY

We all have packs and groups we fit into in life. It could be mates, family, work colleagues.
A gang that you feel proud to be part of. Write down any packs you feel you belong in and
what you can turn to them for, whether that’s laughter, understanding or comfort, and
know when times are tough you can gain strength from these people in your life.
 PART OF A MOVEMENT
New packs are equally as exciting and important in life. Some friendships of
mine have been short-lived connections that worked at a particular period in
my life, others are structurally integral to keeping me in a happy place. Some
of these collectives are not personal relationships, but instead are a movement
I fit into. We can all feel part of something by expressing our own passions and
attracting the right people. You might love football, so have a gang of fellow
footie fans you feel a sense of belonging with. You may love a certain band and
find some like-minded souls who dance in tune with you. We all fall into a wave
of thinking with others at some point in our lives, whether consciously or not.
In my early twenties I started working in the music industry via my TV and
radio work and loved it. This was a new culture to be submerged in, and I felt
part of an extended gang of people who all loved watching live music and
hearing anything that made the hairs on the back of their necks stand on end. I
felt as if the whole music world was moving and breathing as one, and I would
constantly bump into the same faces at different shows and work events. There
was a constant, exciting dialogue that you could pick up at any point with any
person. This sort of pack didn’t necessarily provide me with a deep and
nourishing support network, but I had the feeling of belonging. I still do.

POCKETS OF PEOPLE
I have found that as you get older your friendship circles naturally tend to
shrink as you know who truly brings you that freeing joy. I used to have house
parties full of people I knew, kind of knew and really didn’t know at all. That was
all part of the fun and thrill of it all; having a great time with an eclectic mix of
strangers who had a loose common thread of sort-of knowing me. What could
go wrong? Well, many light fixtures and loo seats were accidentally broken, but
it was fun and again I felt like I was with a group of people that wanted to have
a great time.
Now, I have different categories of packs. Aside from my old school chums,
I’m lucky enough to have a diamond-strength pack called ‘My Family’. My
husband and kids are the ultimate gang – they bring me just the right amount
of joy, support, laughter, troubles and irritation to keep me topped up with love
and learning at the same time. I have the Cottons and the Woods, who are an
eclectic mix of characters and personalities. Being part of these two gangs
makes me feel very safe.
I also have a wonderful new gaggle of people I adore and have stumbled
across slightly later in life, all of whom I can be 100 per cent myself with,
relaxing into familiar conversation. I will crowd my dining room table with these
extraordinary people, who all come from different walks of life, and chat it out.
This is one of my favourite things to do. In these moments I feel anything could
happen: an idea could spring up and bounce around the room; a piece of advice
could settle a worry or doubt, sending instant calm through the air; a story
could be told which pushes out rumbles of laughter from the pits of our bellies.
Conversation sparks, love is circulating and energies change all around.
I feel exceptionally lucky to have these pockets of people that give me a
feeling of belonging. That doesn’t mean everyone gets on all of the time, but it
means when we’re not, we all know it’ll be okay in the end anyway. You have a
shorthand and a backstory, so problems can be worked through as a greater
love is supporting you all.
 ACTIVITY

THE SMILE CHART

Keep a record today of every time you smile by writing what made you happy on the faces.
KEEP SMILING! It’s such a beautiful sight for others to see and also a great way of
getting your brain to catch up with what’s going on physically!

A PROBLEM SHARED IS A PROBLEM

HALVED
Having good friends is one of the simplest yet most powerful gifts we can
experience. Give me coffee with a great mate over a new pair of shoes any day.
When you are with someone who understands and truly knows you, it gives you
the privilege to open up and talk, and also allows you to properly listen, offering
a chance to learn. You have the opportunity to be passionate and enthusiastic,
knowing that what you say won’t be met with any judgement. It gives you the
breathing space to talk about concerns that have been magnified by time and
mental solitude. When I have a problem or a worry I have certain go-to friends
that I know will instantly help ease that acute brain pain. I will share a story or
concern I’ve had festering for days, and once the words have tumbled out of
my mouth in an anxious flurry, I’ll already feel like the problem is much, much
smaller. Having that human connection and another mind on the case is the
best tonic out there.
Storing worries up inside is so pointless. Sometimes we think we have to be
tough and deal with situations on our own. Other times we may feel too
ashamed or too scared to say the words out loud. Shame is a dangerous feeling
that blocks us from being able to share. It’s debilitating and unnecessary. A
great friend will sit and listen to your story and put that fire of shame out in a
single moment; they will squash that suffocating feeling and lighten your load.
I have, time and time again, experienced the power of this transaction, where
two humans connect and change the direction of the wind. Allowing another to
hear your story might change your perspective and the journey of your
thoughts. This can be a game changer. Talk, talk, talk and always listen. Both
will lead you to clarity and understanding that is waiting to unfold.

THE PRIVILEGE OF PAYING IT

FORWARD
I feel massively privileged to have friends who have come to me needing advice
and help. I feel honoured that they feel relaxed enough with me that they can
open up and be vulnerable, as they know I won’t judge them. Helping a friend
in need is a joy and often one of the most feel-good transactions you can be
part of. That’s the selfish part of being selfless! You do something for another
without expecting any gain, but ultimately it’ll make you feel so good
simultaneously.
Helping a stranger has the same heart-filling qualities, but with an extra buzz
attached. You feel like you’ve broken an unspoken rule, or stepped out of your
own life for a few moments. It’s a chance for you to be vulnerable by offering
your own strengths to another without knowing how that gesture will be met.
You could pay for a stranger’s coffee, help someone who has broken down at
the side of the road, or even just hold the door open for someone, with a smile.
You’re sending out ripples of happiness and it’s boomeranging straight back to
you, too. What’s not to love?!

LEARN FROM YOUR FRIENDS

When we feel down it is easy to shut off, curl into a ball and hide from the
world and others around you. You sever the ties that hold you close to your
loved ones and go it alone as it’s too painful to include others in your downward
spiral. I do this at times. Sometimes, I have to let myself pass through this
negative patch naturally and know that it will subside in time. When the storm
has settled I can then reach out for that much-needed help and re-connect
once again.
 As you are now aware, I am useless at relaxing. It doesn’t come naturally to
me as I feel like I need to be constantly achieving, even on the smallest level.
Just this week, I was with my friend, Bonny, who is brilliantly wise and open.
Now in her seventies, she has had a curious life of travelling, loving and being,
and I learn so much from her when we sit and chat. She is the master of
stillness and when we are together she is the yin to my yang. She could sense I
was feeling on edge, as I was worrying about the kids and hadn’t managed to
switch off from the day. She physically moved my body into a relaxed position
on the sofa and stretched my legs out in front of me. She said, in her low,
gravelly, knowing voice ‘RELAAAAAX’, and I instantly felt the concerns
evaporate. My muscles loosened and I hooked into her way of thinking and
being for the evening. We sat and talked about life and love, and she took me
into a space I wouldn’t have even bothered visiting without her presence; a
much needed space where I let the adrenalin dissipate and my mind stop
whirring. Our connection allowed me to have this moment and to remember
the importance of just BEING. Learning from friends and seeing the world
from their point of view, if only for a moment, could be the change you need.
 OPEN YOUR MIND
We may also isolate ourselves from others at times to avoid taking a closer look
at ourselves. If we have convinced ourselves of certain theories that aid us in
getting what we think we want or need, it is hard to hear other opinions if they
differ from our own. Perhaps you believe you only amount to what you achieve,
so are constantly working yourself into the ground. Friends and those that love
you may try to persuade you there’s another way but listening to them and
having that connection means you have to change your whole set-up. It seems
easier to shut off and carry on just as you are.
Maybe you’re in a toxic relationship but are too scared to leave. Your pack
around you whisper softly that you might be better off parting ways but you
can’t hear their words as it’s too hard to acknowledge. Cutting yourself off
from those who love you is easier than making that huge change in life. We
have all done this at some point, to protect ourselves from what we know is
true deep down.
Listening to those around you doesn’t mean you have to do what everyone
else thinks you should do all the time, but if you’re open and willing to do so
then this will help you feel like you’re not in it alone, and may show you a
happier path.

MAGIC CONNECTIONS
How lucky we are as humans to experience love; that magic and energy that
comes when you meet another in life who you spark with. You may have
experienced this when you met your partner in life, a friend or your own child.
The air around you is full of frenetic crackles that can’t be seen but are felt in
every cell of your body, a magic that weaves its way into every corner of your
being and redirects your path in life.

Human connections have shaped who I am, the choices I make, and how I see
the world. Even if everything else around me seems to be falling apart, I can
take stock and feel gratitude for those people in my life who continuously bring
me the magic.
Never underestimate human touch, kind words and small gestures. Connect
with others, remember we are all in it together, and share what you need to,
when you need to.

SUMMARY
DEPEND ON YOUR PACK.
Whoever they are, laugh with them and lean on them.

PAY IT FORWARD.
Smile at a stranger and share the happiness.

LEARN FROM YOUR FRIENDS.

Listen to their different points of view and see if they will take you on a new path.

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 ACTIVITY

WHAT DOES HAPPY SHARED LOOK LIKE TO

YOU?
Write one word or draw a picture here that sums it up

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 HAPPY HEART
When I fall in love, I fall deep, fast and intensely. It could be with a person, a song, or a place. I get
intoxicated and can think of little else. Wonderful! Most era-defining music has been written about love.
Films study and depict its heart-pounding magic. People move across continents, lose sleep and can’t eat
because of it. Love. The untouchable elation born in the heart.

A LOVE OF MY OWN
I met my husband in Ibiza in 2011. That incredibly magical island is one of those
places that has my ‘LOVE’ stamp all over it. It’s a place where anything can
happen. Meeting Jesse there made it even more special to me, on that balmy
June evening.
Love can turn up in many ways, and at varying speeds. It’s not always instant,
but with my husband it was. We were introduced by mutual friends, spookily on
the anniversary of his mum’s passing. Time seemed to cease and the loud music
playing seemed insignificant. It’s hard to describe the feelings that surrounded
that night and the following months, where we got to know each other and
worked out how we would intertwine in each other’s lives, but it was definitely
magic: otherworldly feelings took over my whole body and mind. Moments like
these make me realise how out of control we are in life, and that that can be a
good thing – something can suddenly happen to change your world forever.
This magic changed my perspective about everything.
If you’ve fallen in love you’ll know how all-consuming and dreamlike this
magic is. You can’t see it, touch it, or bottle it. It’s simply buzzing in the energy
all around, as two people meet and instantly connect in a deep way. I feel
incredibly lucky to have experienced this in my lifetime, as it makes me feel so
alive and changed the whole story of my life.
Once that initial frantic, urgent and frenetic new love settles, that magic
morphs into a new form of love; a steady and comfortable warmth that allows
you to feel supported and safe wherever you are. It’s still exciting and fun, but
the adrenalin expires and leaves you with all the good bits soaked in. I am so
grateful that the foundations of my life are now solidified with this kind of love.
I feel lucky that I am in a partnership that allows me to make mistakes and
show my scars and vulnerabilities, as it’s held together by the heart. Out of this
love have come our two beautiful babies and my amazing stepchildren.
 KIDS
I feel truly blessed that I got to experience being a stepmum before I had my
own kids. My stepchildren welcomed me into their lives without judgement or
fear and for that I’m eternally grateful. I love them both a lot and adore the
fact that my ever-changing life and dynamic is fenced in by such wonderful
humans.
I had no idea how it would actually feel to be a mum until my first-born
sprung into the world on a snowy February morning. The love I felt during my
long and intense labour was already more overwhelming than I could have
imagined. It was the power that got me through the acute surges, which were
also a shock! I saw rainbows as the contractions peaked and for the first time
noticed how closely linked extreme pain can be to sheer joy. A contraction
would climb and climb, then tip over from mind-combusting sensations to
white-noise joy. It all felt astounding. Again, there was that magic, that
inexplicable energy taking over the show!
I ended up having an epidural after twenty-odd hours of labour, as I wasn’t
progressing as quickly as I should have been. But, when I first got to hold Rex in
my arms and looked into his knowing eyes, I was struck by a wonder and
happiness that I hadn’t experienced before. It wasn’t like the rushing and dizzy
love when I first set eyes on my husband, and it wasn’t like the love I have for
my parents. It was a new shape of love I had no idea existed.
My labour with Honey was a different experience, as I had decided, after a
long, drawn-out labour first time round, that I would try hypno-birthing.
Through it I experienced even more life-changing feelings. Firstly, I had no idea
how powerful my mind could be, working in tandem with my physically
exhausted body. They worked together, along with Honey, to create a much
swifter and calmer birth. I put zero pressure on myself as I didn’t mind how the
labour itself went as long as the baby was delivered safely, but I’m so grateful I
got to enjoy that powerful experience, again doused in that ethereal magic.
Honey floated up to the surface of the water in the birthing pool with a mop
of red hair and a serene glow, and it was love at first sight again. I had no idea
there was more love to give, but as soon as I held her in my arms it came
crashing out in huge waves. I buzzed for days afterwards and this magical
energy whirled around the sleepless nights and stream of visitors, giving me
strength I had no idea existed. Once again, that invisible magic has the power
to change how you do things and boost your life in unimaginable ways. If you
have children of your own, you’ll know how fierce that love is: it is a shield that
you will use to protect them, to care for them, to learn with them. Even when
your kids are pushing boundaries and causing chaos, you deal with it all with an
undercurrent of love.

ACTIVITY

What ten people or things in your life equal pure love?

..............................
 ..............................

..............................

..............................

..............................

FRIENDSHIP
Meeting a wonderful person and forming a strong bond of friendship is another
event saturated in love. I feel extremely lucky to have some incredible humans
in my life whom I truly love with all my heart. Falling in love with friends is an
ecstasy that keeps on giving. Friendships can last a lifetime and just keep
getting stronger. Recently, I was at a wedding with my close school friends and
we danced and sang and laughed all night. I felt giddy with love by the end of it
all. These friends are friends that bear no judgement, and see you in the best
light. You are in their hearts always and they are in yours.

FEEL THE LOVE

So, look around you. How much love can you feel? I can find it in my family
and my friends, and I urge you to find it, see it and feel it, too. Don’t be
complacent and forget its beauty and importance. It’s all that really matters
amid all the drama we stage around our lives. Watch out for its signs, listen to
its voice and hold it lightly, knowing it comes and goes in different forms.
We can’t capture love or take it prisoner. We have to let it breathe and run its
course naturally. This could be for an eternity, or maybe minutes. If I fall in love
with a song I will be tempted to play it on repeat, each time hoping to hear
something new, desiring a higher high from its harmonies and soaring chorus at
each play. I’ll do this until I notice the feelings dulling – the notes feeling less
full-bodied and the words not jumping out and attaching to my own story in
quite the same way. I’ve overdone it. I tried to cage that feeling and fast-
tracked its exit from my life. We are all capable of doing this with songs,
people, jobs, places and ways of thinking. Learning to let things take their
natural course is tough, but it’s so necessary if we want to truly experience
their glory.

LOVE LOSS
Break-ups are shit. Even if your own heart has closed off from your partner and
you want out, it’s still a tough change that is hard to make. I have been on the
receiving end of this rejection far more times than the other way round, and it
is soul-wrenching. If you’ve been in a long-term relationship that comes to an
end, you feel lost. Every familiar element of your life looks different and seems
distorted. That magic has vanished and left huge holes dotted around your life
that you’re not sure how to fill. I’ve dealt with this loss in many different ways
over the years and, from my experience, filling those barren chasms in your
world with fun is the best way of coping.
I used to go through a period of mourning where I dived straight into a sea of
sad songs and lonely nights in ugly pyjamas, but once this became overly
isolating I took a step outside my comfort zone and looked for fun. It feels like
you’re faking it at first, but soon your mind catches up with your smile and
you’re en route to a happier existence, without that person. This fun could be
dancing with friends until your feet hurt. Moving your body and letting off
steam to music is so therapeutic. I always find that when you’re in a post-
relationship headspace, you care far less what others think of you as you feel
you have nothing to lose. This is the perfect time to go and dance! Be wild, be
your alter ego for the night. Or do something you have always wanted to do
but haven’t had the guts to. Dye your hair a new colour, go on a trek with a
friend to a place you’ve never been to before. Camp under the stars. Try a new
hobby. Just do something that is detached from your past relationship and
what that meant to you – something new, inspiring, and exhilarating. Fun can
take the place of that love until the magic arrives on your doorstep again.

ACTIVITY
 Write a positive thing about yourself on each finger. Every time you look down at your
own hands or wash them, remember these positives you have committed to. The power of
self-love!

When I was twenty-nine I found myself single and lost. I had imagined I
would be married with kids at this point so felt like a failure for a long while.
Once I had dug myself out of this hole I leaned in to a new frame of mind,
accepting that maybe I just wouldn’t meet anyone in life. I switched off my
hopes to meet someone and found a new rhythm in life that felt good. This is
the exact moment I met my husband. Because I had stopped worrying about
finding THE ONE and started thinking outside the box, I think I was open to
receiving new forms of love in new ways. I had no clue I would meet my
husband while I was on a girls’ holiday in Ibiza. It was the last thing on my mind.
I was happy feeding off the love from my wonderful mates who had arranged
the trip. Never give up hope if you haven’t yet found your love. Have the
confidence that you’ll find it or it’ll find you, and be open to it arriving in a
different form to what you may have in mind.
Losing a relative or friend you love seems to make no sense. Nearly all of us
will have lost friends or family members to illness, old age or tragedy and it
always feels unjust and mind-boggling. This sort of love-loss void is
incomparable and excruciating, as you learn to trek on without these special
people around. I’m not sure if anyone knows truly how to deal with this sort of
trauma, other than to surround yourself with good people to take care of you.
Let yourself feel the sorrow for as long as feels natural to you. Don’t rush it or
numb it, as it’ll come back again at full strength when you’re least expecting it.
Let the loss digest, and deal with it in the gentlest way possible, with self-love
and care. These tragic losses always make you assess your own life and how you
live it, which again shows the power of love even when you think it’s gone. It
lives on, breathes on and weaves into your life in new, unexpected ways.

LOVING AGAIN
When you’ve been hurt in a relationship, it can be difficult to lean in to love
afterwards, as that vulnerability feels too treacherous. Falling in love is one of
the most vulnerable things you can do: you are falling head first into someone
else’s world without knowing which direction it’ll spin you in. When you’ve
experienced love-loss after taking such a gamble it’s hard to trust again. You
create barriers that protect you from what you’ve been through. You view
others with a more judgmental eye and you can’t quite visualise it all going well.
This is when we get into patterns of behaviour that can be destructive. You
don’t act from that fiery pit of love but instead act on past trauma and fear.
Once you’ve spotted those patterns and roles you slip into, you can start to
unpick them. Leaning in to love is terrifying when you’ve had your heart
broken, but strengthening your own hope, trust and ability to be vulnerable will
get you there, and once you do it’s so worth it.

DESTRUCTIVE LOVE
How can such a soft, luxurious emotion ever lead you down a negative road?
With a destructive dynamic in play, love can lead you down a lonely path. If
you feel you are being leaned on too heavily, are treated badly by someone, or
can see how your relationship is changing your life for the worse, it might be
time to reassess this love and see if it still fits into your plans. Being in a
relationship will always have its ups and downs and will require work and
compromise, but if the negatives outweigh the positives, this love might not be
worth the fight.

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 ACTIVITY

Who doesn’t love receiving snail mail that isn’t a bill?! Write a loved one a
love letter, telling them all the things you love about them. Then cut out
this page to post off to them today!

SELF - LOVE
It sounds cheesy and very un-British to be anywhere near self-love, but really
it’s the guts of it all. If you can truly love and accept yourself and your
mistakes, letting in love is much, much easier. If you can accept and learn to
love all your quirks and individual traits alongside your past and how that has
made you feel, then it is easy to let someone love you. There is nothing to hide
or shy away from, so others can fully embrace you as you are. I’m not quite
there with this one yet, as I know I get defensive in certain situations because I
don’t love and accept parts of myself: I don’t love that I get overly enthusiastic
and urgent about things, as it makes me feel like a giddy teenager; I don’t like
to fully accept the fact that I didn’t do that brilliantly at school, so always feel
paranoid around very educated people; I don’t love my need to feel in control
and have everything in order all the time; and I long to be more carefree and
relaxed about things. All of these (and more) make me act out if they are
stimulated in conversation. I pounce like a cat and hiss and shout until I’ve
forgotten it’s actually me who has the problem with these traits and no one
else. But I’ll keep striving to accept how I am and the strengths that are formed
because of these personal quirks.
When you don’t love yourself much, you tend to push away those that love
you. You feel unlovable so can’t even look these people in the eye. Their love
feels like a pressure heaped with expectations, which is a burden when you
don’t love yourself. It’s such an important foundation to strengthen, so you can
let in as much love as you deserve. Please don’t confuse self-love with
arrogance. When the ego takes over and makes someone think they’re
invincible there is actually usually a big dose of deep self-love needed. Real
self-love is all about acceptance and acting from that place. So love yourself,
then let others love you, too.
Love . . . you thrilling, spine tingling, intoxicating, life-changing, awakening
feeling. I’m ready for you, always!

SUMMARY
 FEEL THE LOVE.
Recognise where it is in your life, notice it and let it wash over you.

DON’T LET LOVE GO.

Draw good memories from those you’ve lost; they’re there with you always.

SELF-LOVE.
The key to it all. Let’s strive to love ourselves so everyone else can, too.

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 ACTIVITY

WHAT DOES HAPPY HEART LOOK LIKE TO

YOU?
Write one word or draw a picture here that sums it up

OceanofPDF.com
 HAPPY

SOME SMALL THINGS THAT MAKE ME

HAPPY . . .
My son’s dimples
My daughter’s bright red hair
My husband’s jokes
Watching my kids and stepkids all play together
The colour light pink
New underwear (doesn’t happen enough)
A new cookbook
Vinyl
Mist over my local park
A good coffee
Watching a Disney short called La Luna
Getting a parking space at the supermarket
Walking in the rain
Cleaning my kitchen surfaces
Looking at photos from a trip to Ibiza with my girlfriends
A pair of pink sandals I got from a small market in Ibiza
Ibiza in general
The first sip of a gin and tonic
Stepping off a plane into heat
Getting stuck into a new book in bed
Lying on the grass looking at the sky
Stirring cake mixture
Buying people birthday gifts
Dark chocolate, sucked not chewed
Lying in a hammock
Getting under the covers at night
Freshly painted toenails
Hearing the ocean
Garlic in everything
Thinking about the jam and salty butter on brown bread my nan used to give
me.
Looking at kitchens on Pinterest
Assembling cakes
Rearranging furniture
Giving stuff to the charity shop

Happiness, you gorgeous warm ray of sunshine. I love it when you spring up out
of nowhere and take me by surprise and how you can make clouds part and
corners of mouths lift.
I love that you have been there in so many special moments in my life and
for that I’m beyond grateful. I love that you still attach yourself to certain
memories I can recall in an instant. I have a box stored of these times that
seem magical and cinematic to recall. How lucky I feel to have basked in your
rays during these moments.
I know that to truly welcome you into my life I have to work with you daily
and not let you get drowned out by life’s circus. I have to sink into your arms
and then let you go when other important emotions need to pass through. I
need to remember that you’ll always come back looking for me if my eyes are
wide enough and my heart is open. That’s a choice I can make daily so I
endeavour to keep this firmly in mind.
Thank you for leaving my life at times to allow me to experience your vast
contrast. These moments have felt hollow and cold but were true reminders of
how sweet life is with you in it. They’ve also given me insights into other parts
of my mind I hadn’t previously accessed. Although tough, I can see the value in
your disappearance and distance. At times I may have thought I’d lost you for
good but now know with clarity that you’ll always be nearby, waiting to make a
return.
I love how you appear in many different forms and at the oddest of times and
will forever look forward to you popping up when my eyes have been diverted
the other way. I will always trust in your covert movements and keep my heart
open for you. I will then send you off in many different directions for others to
share too.
That’s the beauty of you, Happiness: you just keep on travelling . . .

HAPPY THANK YOUS

Here’s where I get to say those much needed thank yous and truly mean it. I
want to start with you. Thank you for seeing this book in a shop or online and
thinking that it might add something to your life. That is what I was hoping for,
so I’m glad that the cover leapt out at you and sparked interest. I was nervous
about writing this book so the fact that you decided to give it a read means a
lot to me. I hope this book has helped you to take a look at the happiness in
your life and how best you can access it. THANK YOU.
A gargantuan thank you to Amanda and Emily at Orion who once again let
me muse, ponder and type freely, with such beautiful guidance and
reassurance in moments of apprehension. Your support and belief in the
project gave it sturdy roots to grow from and for that I’m very grateful.
Thanks to Rowan at Furniss Lawton for keeping me on track with this in-
depth project and for encouraging me when needed. Thanks to Rachel, Sarah,
Claire and Mary at James Grant. My very own golden girls who constantly
cheerlead me from the side/give me pep talks/tell me to shut up. Your honesty,
love and friendship means the world to me. True sisterhood.
One human who needs a massive dollop of thanks is my darling husband, who
has watched me sit typing at a laptop for almost a year. You have replenished
me with hot tea and the odd shoulder massage and have been an incredible
sounding board for my general worries and concerns. You also helped me
stagger through my dark patch with deep love wrapped in a layer of calm.
Thank you Jesse. Soulmate stuff!
Thank you to my children and stepchildren for simply being YOU. Each of
you teach me so much about life and love every day and that has helped fuel
this writing process on a deeper level. I love you.
Thank you to all of my wonderful family and friends who have given me
advice and love over the years. Your words and wisdom have made such an
impact on my life and these pages.
Thanks Jessie May for providing such beautiful illustrations for the book to
go alongside my own. Your friendship and understanding of this subject meant
you were the perfect artist for the job!
Thank you to Zephyr for teaching me the ways of yoga and how it can
enhance your life. I adore your classes and have drawn so much from your deep
understanding of life and love. Thank you for supplying such wonderful yoga
sequences for this book.
Gerad AKA Gezza, I’m so grateful for your friendship and grounding words.
Your theories and kind words always get me thinking outside the box. You have
taught me so much over the years so I’m over the moon you could contribute
to Happy, too.
Tom Fletcher. I think one of the reasons I’ve been able to be so honest in this
book, is due to witnessing your own, open approach to life. Thanks for sharing
once again, in my book.
Thank you Hollie De Cruz for conjuring up such a beautiful mediation. I can
almost hear your calming tones float off the pages!
Thanks, Craig David. Your positivity and optimism have always inspired me,
so thanks for taking the time to chat as part of this project.
Thanks Kris for being a great mate, inspiring me and thousands of others, and
for letting me design the tattoo you now proudly wear on your chest. You rock!
 Thank you Liam Arthur for snapping the photos for the book! Fun music-
filled shoots always equal happiness.
Thank you Ben Gardiner for getting the design of this book spot on. I feel
lucky I got to work with this wonderful group of people.
Uncle Hadyn, thank you. I’m so glad we recently reconnected and have
started such a wonderful flow of communication over email. Your news always
brightens my week. Thank you for telling your story here, too.
Thanks and many happy times to you all.

Fx

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OceanofPDF.com
 My 15-week-old daughter giggling when I say “avocado”
@timetobeanadult

Finding that happy medium; work/play, exercise/relaxation,

adventure/peace
@emw_01

Travelling to new places and getting that wanderlust feeling

@victoriaconnie

Seeing the smile on my Dad’s face

@RichBiscuit21

Hearing ‘Space Cowboy’ on the radio

@clairlevie

Running in the rain, family time, homemade Sunday dinners

@kazamcj

The smell of a new book!!

@gailshez

The smell of coffee on a lazy Saturday morning <3

@jlanika

Singing ridiculously loudly in the car with my sister!

@sarahrache

A cheeky afternoon nap

@natharrison8
Many thanks to everyone who contributed to my #whatmakesmehappy
competition!
These quotes were just a few of my favourites. Fearne x

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 Copyright
AN ORION EBOOK

First published in Great Britain in 2017 by Orion Spring, This eBook edition first publishing in
Great Britain in 2017 by Orion Spring, an imprint of the Orion Publishing Group Ltd
Carmelite House
50 Victoria Embankment
London EC4Y 0DZ
An Hachette UK Company

ISBN: 9781409169420

Text © Fearne Cotton 2017

The right of Fearne Cotton to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in
accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or
transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or
otherwise, without the prior permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher.

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

Photography (with the exception of here): Liam Arthur

Design: Ben Gardiner
Illustrations on pages pic 1, pic 2, pic 3, pic 4, pic 5, pic 6, pic 7, pic 8, pic 9, pic 10, pic 11, pic 12,
pic 13, pic 14, pic 15, pic 16, pic 17, pic 18, pic 19, pic 20: Fearne Cotton
Grey practical page illustrations: Abi Hartshorne
Yoga illustrations: Emanuel Santon
Rainbow self-reflection symbol: Shutterstock
Chapter and all other illustrations: Jessica May Underwood
Props: Rebecca Newport
Recipe tester: Jordan Bourke
Food styling: Iona Blackshaw
The Big Apple Experiment™ (here) was first pioneered by Nikki Owen in 2009 Printed and bound
in Germany
www.orionbooks.co.uk

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