Pickleball

PICKLEBALL
A Comedy by
Jeff Daniels
Copyright 2022
November 2, 2022
Licensed through the

Purple Rose Theatre Company
137 Park Street
Chelsea, MI 48118
info@purplerosetheatre.org
CHARACTERS
PERFECT, female, athletic.
BILLIE, female, somewhat athletic.
LARRY, male, not at all athletic.
SHELDON, male, athletic in a former life.
SPIKE, male, fit.
RALPH, older male.
ASSORTED RECORDED VOICES can be divided up amongst the actors

creating other offstage characters. Recorded or live into a
mic.
The play takes place in various places in and around a public

park in Royal Oak, Michigan. The time is the present.
UP THE MIDDLE SOLVES THE RIDDLE by Ben Daniels is included in

the licensing of the play. All other music is used through
ASCAP.
PICKLEBALL premiered at the Purple Rose Theatre Company on

October 7, 2022. The play was directed by Rhiannon Ragland.
PERFECT.....................Kate Thomsen
BILLIE......................Caitlin Cavannaugh
LARRY.......................Ryan Carlson
SHELDON.....................Lynch Travis
SPIKE.......................Jonathan West
PICKLEBALL 11.2.22 2.
As the last of the Audience is being seated, from one side of

the theatre we hear the sound of several pickleball games
being played. Half a dozen plastic pickleballs are being
thwacked. Occasional scores are called out. From the opposite
side of the theatre, a NEARBY RESIDENT opens her window.
EDNA
(recorded, o.s.)
Excuse me? Excuse me, I don’t mean
to bother you but can you people
take a break for a few minutes? I’m
trying to put a toddler down. Thank
you.
The window shuts. The thwacking continues. The window opens

again.
EDNA
(recorded, o.s.)
Five minutes, that’s all I ask.
Just stop playing for five minutes.
Thank you.
Window shuts. Thwacking. Window opens.
EDNA
(recorded, o.s.)
Hey! Hey, you!
From the other side of the theatre, ANGRY JOHN yells back.
ANGRY JOHN
(recorded, o.s.)
What!
EDNA
(recorded, o.s.)
Don’t you “what” me! You’re
violating my right to peace and
quiet!
ANGRY JOHN
(recorded, o.s.)
You’ve violating my right to peace
and quiet!
EDNA
(recorded, o.s.)
I’m not the one disturbin’ the
peace!
ANGRY JOHN
(recorded, o.s.)
You’re disturbin’ my peace! I’m
tryin’ to -
EDNA
(recorded, o.s.)
You’re a jerk, y’know that? You’re
the poster child for Why Women Hate
Men! You’re every man I’ve ever
known all rolled into one!
ANGRY JOHN
(recorded, o.s.)
- play Pickleball on a nice day in
a public park and now I got some
woman I don’t know talkin’ trash at
me! Bah-bye, I’m done with you,
hope I never see you again! Bah-
bye!
EDNA
(recorded, o.s.)
Asshole!
The sound of a window slamming shut. The thwacking fades into

the sound of an organ or piano playing the hymn, HOW GREAT
THOU ART.
Lights up on a funeral parlor. A Pickleball themed plastic

floral arrangement from the Lake Forest Country Club
Pickleball Association. Four pickleball bags are also preset.
Dressed in black with a black veil obscuring her face, a

WOMAN (PERFECT) enters with a pamphlet in one hand and a
black tote bag in the other. The Woman lifts her veil to
reveal orange tinted sportswear goggles.
WOMAN
(to the unseen casket)
How ya doin’.
(checks pamphlet)
Ralph, is it? Can I call you Ralph?
Look, I know I shouldn’t have come
but I had to because I just want
you to know how - well, I can’t say
how sorry I am because there’s no
sorry in Pickleball - how I wish
what happened to you hadn’t
happened to you, how’s that? And
even though we both signed the
waiver that absolves me of any and
all responsibility, this is my bad.
This is on me.
(MORE)
WOMAN (CONT'D)
To be fair, it’s on both of us. We
were competing, it was Championship
Point, we were mano a womano. That
aside, I wanted to pay my respects.
And to give you this.
The Woman reaches into her tote bag and takes out a trophy
with a Pickleball Player on top. Gold. Engraved.
WOMAN
This is the Championship Trophy
from the Windy City Mixed Doubles
Invitational. Even though I was
declared best in show and you were
pronounced dead at the scene,
you’re the one who’s leavin’ a
winner. Rest in peace.
The Woman sets the trophy next to the floral arrangement and
starts off. Turning back:
WOMAN
Oh. And when you get to Heaven,
don’t dink a cupcake to God’s
forehand the way you dinked it to
mine. I’m not the only one with a
Killer Return.
As the Woman hustles off, BILLIE and LARRY paddle dance their
way on to the music of SWAN LAKE or some magical, harp-heavy
equivalent.
“Paddle Dancing” consists of dance moves with a paddle.

Except for Sheldon, everyone paddle dances on and off. We
never acknowledge it.
Starring in a bad ballet, Larry tosses the plastic floral

arrangement off. Billie grabs the trophy and tosses that off
in another direction as a portable camp chair (Sheldon’s) is
tossed on, caught by Larry who tosses it to Billie, who
places it.
Billie and Larry are now outside the cyclone fencing of a

public multi-court Pickleball complex in Royal Oak, Michigan.
Like insects in the woods, there but in the distance, the
thwacking of pickleballs has returned, only now it’s coming
from everywhere. Billie and Larry chug from their water
bottles.
BILLIE
Good rally.
LARRY
That was a great rally.
BILLIE
Boy, that last return of yours...
LARRY
Well, he tried to hit a 3rd Shot
Drop, so I Aggro-Dinked him into a
Pop Up and then it was “Up the -
BILLIE
Up the middle solves the riddle.
LARRY
- middle solves the riddle, that’s
right.
BILLIE
Create the gap -
BILLIE AND LARRY

- see the gap, hit the gap.
BILLIE
Perfection.
LARRY
How long’d we play for, anyway.
BILLIE
Hour and a half, maybe?
LARRY
(phone)
Five hours.
BILLIE
We’ve been playin’ for five hours?
LARRY
I could play forever.
BILLIE
You and me both.
LARRY
God, I love this game.
BILLIE
Sport.
LARRY
Sport, sorry.
BILLIE
Hey. There’s no sorry -
LARRY
There’s no sorry -
BILLIE
- in Pickleball.
LARRY
- in Pickleball, I forgot! Not
sorry!
BILLIE
Not sorry! Right!
Water bottles.
BILLIE
I don’t know about you but ever
since I started playing Pickleball,
I’ve had the biggest smile on my
face. I’m not kiddin’. Look at me.
This is what I look like 24/7.
Couldn’t wipe it off if I tried.
LARRY
Do you mind if I give you a tip?
Two beats of OMINOUS MUSIC. Billie stares at Larry. Finally:
BILLIE
What?
LARRY
Do you mind if I give you a tip.
BILLIE
A tip?
LARRY
Do you mind?
BILLIE
(yes)
No.
LARRY
You hang back at the baseline too
long.
BILLIE
Do I.
LARRY
You gotta get to the kitchen, my
friend. If you hang back, I’ll drop
a dink shot on ya every time.
BILLIE
Wouldn’t want that.
LARRY
I overstepped.
BILLIE
Don’t be silly.
LARRY
Just a little tip.
BILLIE
Thank you for the little tip.
Water bottles.
LARRY
Also you rely too much on your
banger.
BILLIE
My banger.
LARRY
You rely too much on your banger.
BILLIE
That’s because I played tennis.
LARRY
Pickleball isn’t tennis.
BILLIE
In college.
LARRY
Still.
BILLIE
Where I lettered. As a sophomore.
LARRY
That may be, but Pickleball is a
game of finesse, my friend. It’s
not about strength and power.
Banging the ball back as hard as
you can isn’t gonna do it. Not in
this game.
BILLIE
That’s two tips.
LARRY
I hit a nerve.
BILLIE
No nerve, no nerve.
LARRY
Hey, we’re havin’ fun.
BILLIE
We’re havin’ fun.
LARRY
If we’re not havin’ fun...
BILLIE
Why are we here?
LARRY
Couldn’t have said it better
myself.
Water bottles.
BILLIE
Same Ominous Music. Larry stares at Billie. Finally:
LARRY
A tip?
BILLIE
I don’t want to overstep.
LARRY
(then don’t)
Not at all.
BILLIE
I just think whenever we play
together, we have a nice chemistry.
Something I don’t have with other
players, so anything we can do to
improve our on court
communication...
LARRY
Just like the pros do.
BILLIE
Just like the pros do.
LARRY
All for it. What’s the tip.
BILLIE
You spin your dink.
LARRY
I what?
BILLIE
You spin your dink.
LARRY
Are you sayin’ -
BILLIE
You’re a dink spinner. A good dink
is about placement. Create the gap,
see the gap -
LARRY
Create it, see it, hit it, got it.
BILLIE
As a former tennis player, I can
recognize whenever someone has too
much wrist action. Instead of this:
Billie demonstrates a dink shot with top spin wrist action.
BILLIE
It’s this.
Billie demonstrates a punch return dink shot.
BILLIE
Dink.
Larry.
LARRY
Dink.
Back to Billie.
BILLIE
Dink.
Back to Larry.
LARRY
Dink.
The rally’s pace picks up.
BILLIE
Dink.
LARRY
Dink.
BILLIE
Dink.
LARRY
Dink.
Billie and Larry are playing a real point with an imaginary

ball.
BILLIE
Dink.
LARRY
Dink.
BILLIE
Dink.
LARRY
Dink.
BILLIE
Dink.
LARRY
Dink.
BILLIE
Dink.
LARRY
Dink.
BILLIE
(forehand smash)
Banger!
In pain, Sheldon enters carrying his paddle and water bottle.

Sheldon doesn’t walk, he waddles. As in, if Charlie Chaplin
and Donald Duck had a baby, it would waddle like Sheldon. For
the entire play.
LARRY
You all right there, Sheldon?
BILLIE
Same knee?
LARRY
Not the one you replaced?
SHELDON
That’s my hip. For cryin’ out loud,
Larry, you came to see me in the
hospital. You brought ice cream.
BILLIE
I brought ice cream. Larry brought
cigars.
LARRY
He loves cigars.
SHELDON
Not in front of my doctor, I don’t.
He was standin’ right there at the
end of my bed!
While Larry and Billie watch, Sheldon positions his buttocks

over his portable camp chair, steadies himself, and then ever
so gently lowers his backside downward until he’s sitting.
SHELDON
The eagle has landed.
LARRY
So if it’s not your knee and it’s
not your hip...
SHELDON
I blew out both of my butt muscles.
LARRY
You did what?
SHELDON
Blew out both of my butt muscles.
Blew ‘em out on that last point.
BILLIE
I thought you were just trying to
do the splits.
SHELDON
You hit that return up the middle
and Spike made a move like he was
gonna poach it, only this time he
did one of these -
(shimmies his shoulders)
- so I stop, then he stops, so I go
for it and just like that I blow
out both of my butt muscles.
LARRY
We have butt muscles?
BILLIE
(whips phone out)
Googling.
SHELDON
(through excruciating
pain)
CRAMP!
LARRY
Shell?
SHELDON
CRAMP!
LARRY
Stand on it! Can you stand on it?
Sometimes if you stand on it!
BILLIE
(re: google)
Is it your gluteus maximus, medius
or minimus?
SHELDON
YES!
LARRY
Bet that’s where that expression
came from.
BILLIE
“He’s got muscles he -
BILLIE AND LARRY

- didn’t know he had.”
LARRY
Great minds.
BILLIE
Just like the pros.
SHELDON
My ass is not where that expression
came from!
ANGRY JOHN
(recorded, o.s.)
Hit the ball!
Somewhere nearby, ANGRY JOHN, heard earlier in the Pre-Show,

is on a rant. Heard but never seen, Angry John’s competitive
streak triggers an uncontrollable hatred for mankind.
ANGRY JOHN
(recorded, o.s.)
How hard is that? How hard is it to
hit a ball over a net? C’mon, man!
SHELDON
Angry John’s angry again.
LARRY
Whenever I see his paddle’s up for
next game, I pretend I have to tie
my shoes.
BILLIE
Last week, he came up to me and
said, “Why is it every time I play
with you I lose?”
SHELDON
You’re kiddin’.
BILLIE
No.
LARRY
What’d you say.
BILLIE
I told him it was an honor to play
on the same court with him. Then I
ran to my car.
SPIKE paddles on.
SPIKE
Sheldon, can I have a word?
SHELDON
About what.
SPIKE
In private.
(to Billie and Larry)
No offense.
SHELDON
I just docked the Queen Mary.
SPIKE
I don’t want to embarrass you.
SHELDON
Then stop poachin’.
SPIKE
You’re upset you lost.
SHELDON
We lost. We lost, Spike.
SPIKE
You’re right. And I’m sorry if
there was -
SHELDON, LARRY AND BILLIE

There’s no sorry in Pickleball.
SPIKE
- anything I did, okay fine. I’m
offended by your language.
SHELDON
My what?
SPIKE
Earlier you said something you
shouldn’t have and I wanted to
bring it to your attention because
it’s offensive.
SHELDON
(to Larry and BILLIE)
I can barely sit on my own ass and
now I’m offensive.
SPIKE
“Stop playing like a schmuck.”
SHELDON
What d’you say to me?
SPIKE
No, that’s what you said. You said,
“Stop playing like a schmuck.”
SHELDON
Who did.
BILLIE
You did.
LARRY
I heard it, too.
SPIKE
So did the Steinbergs over on the
next court. They gave us some
pretty dirty looks so, if ya don’t
mind.
SHELDON
I was talkin’ to me.
SPIKE
Doesn’t matter.
LARRY
Doesn’t matter.
BILLIE
Doesn’t matter.
SHELDON
I had just returned Billie’s
cupcake of a serve into the net.
SPIKE
That’s not the point.
SHELDON
I lost the point!
LARRY
That’s a different point.
BILLIE
Must not’ve been a cupcake if you
couldn’t return it.
SPIKE
You can’t say that anymore.
LARRY
Cupcake?
SPIKE AND BILLIE

Schmuck.
SHELDON
Why not?
SPIKE
It’s Yiddish for penis. Granted,
it’s in another language, but
still...
SHELDON
Are you sayin’ I can’t tell myself
to stop playing like a schmuck
because it’s Yiddish for penis?
SPIKE
If you don’t mind.
SHELDON
Says who?
LARRY
Well, for starters, other Yiddish
penises.
BILLIE
It’s a new world, Sheldon.
During the following, Sheldon works hard to rise out of his

chair.
SPIKE
My soon to be ex-wife told me I had
to turn over a new leaf, so that’s
what -
LARRY
Aw, Spike.
BILLIE
No.
SPIKE
- I’m tryin’ to, yeah, I’m afraid
so.
LARRY
(sorry)
I’m not sorry to hear that.
BILLIE
(sorry)
I’m not sorry, either.
SPIKE
I don’t want to talk about it.
Okay, I will. She hates Pickleball.
LARRY
No.
SPIKE
With every fiber of her being. She
accused me of loving the game more
than I loved her.
BILLIE
The old ultimatum.
SPIKE
Yup.
BILLIE
D’ya ask her if she wanted to play?
Because I know with me all it took
was the one time and I was hooked.
SPIKE
She said she’d rather drink paint.
Sheldon is now standing.
SHELDON
Lemme get this straight. You fake a
poach, I blow my butt out, and now
I can’t call myself a Yiddish
penis? Is there anything else I
need to know ‘cause I’ve just about
had it up to - CRAMP!
Clutching his butt cheeks, Sheldon tries to waddle his cramps

away. Staggering forward, he crashes face first into the
cyclone fence. Larry, Billie and Spike watch him for a few
beats. Then:
SPIKE
Great rally on that last point,
fellas.
BILLIE
You, too, Spike.
SHELDON
(with an edge)
Yeah. You, too, Spike.
LARRY
Billie and I were just too much for
you, I guess.
SPIKE
Whaddayasay, Sheldon? You wanna
give ‘em a rematch?
SHELDON
I’m injured.
SPIKE
I’m sorry to hear that.
SHELDON, BILLIE AND LARRY

SPIKE
I regret to hear that.
SHELDON
You know why I’m injured?
SPIKE
You lack agility?
SHELDON
I have agility.
SPIKE
Court awareness? Hand eye
coordination?
SHELDON
What I lack is a partner who stays
on his side of the court, that’s
what I lack.
SPIKE
That was your ball.
SHELDON
I know it was my ball but you made
a move like you were gonna poach it
and the next thing I know pop pop
there goes my butt.
SPIKE
I thought you were tryin’ to do the
splits.
BILLIE
That’s what I said.
SHELDON
Do I look like someone who would
try to do the splits?
SPIKE
It was on your forehand side.
SHELDON
I know it was on my forehand side.
SPIKE
So that’s your ball.
SHELDON
I know it’s my ball but you did one
these:
(shimmies his shoulders)
Next thing I know, “I’ve fallen and
I can’t get up”.
BILLIE
My Grandmother fell but she popped
right back up.
Staggering forward, Sheldon crashes face first into the

cyclone fence. The other three watch in silence. Then:
SPIKE
So I was in the pharmacy the other
day picking up some sock splints.
BILLIE
Plantar fasciitis?
SPIKE
You got it.
LARRY
D’you get it in both feet?
SPIKE
Just the right.
LARRY
I got it in both.
SPIKE
Thanks for sharing.
LARRY
How bout you.
BILLIE
My feet are fine but I got a little
tendinitis in the elbow.
LARRY
Me, too.
BILLIE
Plus last week I tripped and did a
face plant.
SPIKE
Ouch.
BILLIE
Went down hard. Ate it bigtime. I
can still taste the asphalt.
SHELDON
CRAMP!
Crippled by the pain, Sheldon has a death grip on the cyclone

fencing. The Other Three watch Sheldon for a bit, then turn
back to continue their conversation.
SPIKE
I gotta bad back.
LARRY
Surgery?
SPIKE
Two.
BILLIE
Spine?
SPIKE
Just some vertebrate that keep...
On a march, the WOMAN FROM EARLIER storms through with a

paddle. Dressed in professional pickleball attire, the Woman
never looks at the Foursome. The Foursome watches her go.
LARRY
Who was that?
SPIKE
Never seen her before.
LARRY
I wonder if she’s single.
ANGRY JOHN
(recorded, o.s.)
Get to the kitchen!
Spike, Billie and Larry listen to Angry John. Sheldon is

clutching and waddling back to his chair. Mind over matter
now.
ANGRY JOHN
(recorded, o.s.)
When I go back, you move up! We’re
teammates! Play like it!
ANGRY WOMAN
(recorded, o.s.)
Who died and made you King of the
Court?
ANGRY JOHN
Do me a favor and go home!
ANGRY WOMAN
(recorded, o.s.)
You go home!
ANGRY JOHN
No, you go home!
(recorded, o.s.)
2-10-2!
LARRY
He was my partner in Open Play last
week? Got all over me ‘cause I
didn’t know the score. 1-2-1, 6-5-
2, 8-9-6, half the time I don’t
even know what I’m sayin’. So I
made the mistake of askin’ what the
score was and he says, “Can’t you
count?”
BILLIE
He was questioning your math
skills.
Sheldon is re-lowering himself into his chair.
SHELDON
I didn’t know you had math skills.
LARRY
I don’t.
SPIKE
Maybe that’s why you can’t keep
score.
LARRY
I know how to keep score, Spike,
it’s just that sometimes I can’t
remember what it is.
SHELDON
Can you count to eleven?
BILLIE
Sheldon.
LARRY
Of course, I can count to eleven.
Especially, when I play you.
Billie and Spike shoot glances at Sheldon.
SHELDON
You wanna play me?
Through his pain, up comes Sheldon. Spike and Billie step

between them.
LARRY
Right now?
SHELDON
Get your paddle.
LARRY
I thought you were hurt.
Sheldon is up. Spike and Billie step in between them.
BILLIE
Shell, c’mon.
SPIKE
Larry, that’s enough.
LARRY
He insulted my intelligence.
SHELDON
What intelligence?
BILLIE
Stop it! The both of you! Sheldon,
sit down! Larry, you, too!
LARRY
I am sitting.
BILLIE
I don’t know what the two of you
think you’re doin’ but I’ll tell ya
right now, you should be ashamed of
yourselves. Sheldon, I don’t care
what you say in private but on the
court it’s Pickleball and
Pickleball is supposed to be played
so that everyone can enjoy
themselves including those who
don’t want to hear you referring to
yourself as a Yiddish penis. Larry,
of course you can count to eleven
but if you can’t keep score it’s
annoying for the rest of us to have
to keep reminding you. And Spike,
when a ball from the next court
bounces onto ours, it’s not okay to
pick it up and whack it all the way
to Windsor.
SPIKE
I’d just foot-faulted.
BILLIE
It’s called Etiquette, people!
Maybe we could all use a little
brush up. Remind ourselves why we
play this goddamn game.
LARRY
Sport.
BILLIE
Shut up.
Awkward silence.
SPIKE
Billie’s right.
BILLIE
It’s not about being right. It’s
about having fun. We gotta find the
fun, people!
More awkward silence.
SPIKE
Why do we play?
BILLIE
What?
SPIKE
Of all the things we could be doing
with our time, why do we spend it
playing Pickleball.
LARRY
To meet women.
SPIKE
I’m stunned.
LARRY
Pickleball is the singles bar of
sports, my friend. Everywhere you
look are widows...
Larry gestures to Billie who lowers her head and raises her
hand.
LARRY
...divorcees. Not to mention the
married women who wouldn’t mind
bein’ a widow or a divorcee.
BILLIE
What about cardio?
LARRY
You can’t get cardio playin’
Pickleball.
BILLIE
You can if you stay on the balls of
your feet. I like to bounce up and
down, keep movin’.
LARRY
How ‘bout you, Shell?
SHELDON
Me and my butt are gonna have to
get back to you on that.
SPIKE
I’m in it for the endorphins. After
a couple rallies, I can feel ‘em
rushin’ through my body like a
freight train full of feel good.
It’s like heroin only healthier.
Angry John.
ANGRY JOHN
(recorded, o.s.)
Line!
ANGRY WOMAN
(recorded, o.s.)
It was in by a foot and a half!
ANGRY JOHN
(recorded, o.s.)
It’s my call! 8-5-1!
ANGRY WOMAN
(recorded, o.s.)
I’ll show you! Look!
ANGRY JOHN
(recorded, o.s.)
Get back on your side of the net!
Spike’s line, “Yesterday, I was just sittin’ there...” begins

here. Angry John and the Angry Woman continue underneath the
following:
ANGRY WOMAN
(recorded, o.s.)
Right there! There it is! See it?
ANGRY JOHN
(recorded, o.s.)
This is me serving!
ANGRY WOMAN
(recorded, o.s.)
Look at where I’m pointing!
ANGRY JOHN
(recorded, o.s.)
You’re on the wrong side of the
net!
ANGRY WOMAN
(recorded, o.s.)
Look! See?
ANGRY JOHN
(recorded, o.s.)
Now serving! 8-5-1!
ANGRY WOMAN
(recorded, o.s.)
Wait!
SFX: DOINK.
SPIKE
Yesterday, I was just sittin’
there, waitin’ my turn and Angry
John walks right up to me and says,
“Which paddle is yours?”
LARRY
In front of everybody?
SPIKE
In front of everybody.
LARRY
Did you tell him?
SPIKE
What was I gonna do, lie?
BILLIE, LARRY AND SHELDON

Yes.
SPIKE
I pointed to my paddle and said,
“That one.” And then, in front of
all the people waiting to play, he
goes over moves their paddles to
the side and slides his right in
next to mine.
LARRY
He’s stalking you.
BILLIE
D’you play with him?
SPIKE
I suddenly remembered I had an
appointment.
SHELDON
CRAMP!
As Sheldon tries to work the cramp out with the heel of his
hand, the Others are at a loss as to how to help him.
SPIKE
That man needs some serious pain
meds.
BILLIE
You got any?
SPIKE
At home.
LARRY
I got some Tums.
BILLIE
Shell, how ‘bout I run you over to
Urgent Care? Have a doctor check ya
out, whaddayasay?
From somewhere deep inside himself, Sheldon groans.
SHELDON
Aaaaaaagh...
Holding his head in his hands, Sheldon’s groans go inward as

he awaits the inevitable incoming cramp.
SHELDON
Aaaaaaagh...
Unable to help, the Other Three can only sit and watch.
Finally:
BILLIE
(to Sheldon)
You had a good forehand today.
Don’t you think Sheldon had a good
forehand today?
SPIKE
Outstanding forehand.
LARRY
It was perfect.
SPIKE
Best ever.
Groan.
BILLIE
And how ‘bout that backhand down
the line?
LARRY
Spectacular.
SPIKE
I wish I had a video of it so I
could watch it at home.
With a herculean effort, Sheldon raises his head.

SHELDON
(up and over the pain)
I did have a good forehand today.
And my backhand wasn’t bad, either.
CRAMP!
Sheldon grabs his buttocks.
SPIKE
Sheldon, you’re right. I’m a
poacher and I know it and now
you’ve gotta broken butt and I
can’t help but think that I’m
partly to blame.
SHELDON
You are.
SPIKE
Regardless, I hope you can find it
in yourself to forgive me even
though I can’t apologize because
it’s Pickleball.
SHELDON
You still owe me fifteen bucks from
that time we went to Cracker
Barrel.
SPIKE
I’ll get it to ya today. I promise.
SHELDON
(giving in)
Fine.
SPIKE
You mean it?
SHELDON
Non-apology accepted.
SPIKE
Thank you.
BILLIE
Well done.
LARRY
Nice goin’, Shell.
SHELDON
(waves it off)
Hey. What would Jesus do.
SPIKE
Same Ominous Music. Sheldon stares at Spike.
BILLIE
Spike.
SPIKE
If you took the time to get a USAPA
Skill Rating, you wouldn’t be hurt.
SHELDON
I don’t believe in ratings.
SPIKE
I know you don’t but getting rated
would give you a chance to brush up
on your foot work, get you into the
proper body positions and prevent
you from doing the splits.
BILLIE
He’s gotta point, Shell.
LARRY
I’m a 2.5.
BILLIE
Me, too.
SPIKE
I’m a 3.0.
BILLIE
You’re a 3.0?
SPIKE
Got certified last week.
BILLIE AND LARRY

Wow.
SPIKE
And you know what? Maybe someday
I’ll get my rating up to a 3.5. And
once I’m a 3.5 I may as well go for
a 4.0 so I can play with the Big
Boys on Court Five. Don’t you want
to play with the Big Boys on Court
Five, Sheldon?
From the opposite direction, the WOMAN FROM EARLIER marches

through with a paddle.
Just before she exits, however, she stops, turns, pivots into
a backhand and then, with lightning speed, executes an upper
body, over torqued, face contorting forehand (i.e., The
Killer Return).
Led by a THWACK, we hear the distorted sound of a SONIC BOOM

BUSTING, AIR SCORCHING FIGHTER JET FLY BY. At Perfect’s
finish, it cuts out. Frozen in her follow through.
WOMAN
PERFECT!
Perfect spins and paddles off.
BILLIE
Might be time to look into joining
a private club.
SPIKE
Not a bad idea.
SHELDON
I know her.
LARRY
How do you know her and can you
introduce me.
SHELDON
I think she killed somebody.
LARRY
Still.
BILLIE
She what?
SPIKE
Seriously?
SHELDON
She was on YouTube talkin’ about
some shot she hit in some
tournament. The Killer Return.
That’s what they called it. She’s
the one who hit the Killer Return.
The Foursome all turn to where the Woman From Earlier

disappeared.
SPIKE
She should play -
SPIKE, LARRY, BILLIE AND SHELDON

Angry John.
SPIKE
So I was in the pharmacy.
BILLIE
Pickin’ up sock splints.
SPIKE
I’m waiting in line and there’s a
woman behind me, so I turn to her -
LARRY
Was she single?
SPIKE
Why is it every time a woman is
mentioned you ask if she’s single?
LARRY
That’s a Yes.
SPIKE
So I turn to her and I’m like,
“Why’s Beyonce standing in line at
a Walgreen’s?”
BILLIE
Pharmacy in town’s got sock splints
for half off.
SPIKE
I was in Ohio on business.
BILLIE
You did a drive by?
SPIKE
A what?
BILLIE
You drive by a drugstore, you know
you need sock splints, boom, in ya
go.
SPIKE
It’s like you were there.
BILLIE
I spend a lot of time in
pharmacies.
LARRY
What’s the one place that’s got
everything you need?
BILLIE AND LARRY

A pharmacy.
BILLIE
Great minds.
LARRY
Just like the pros.
SPIKE
SO I TURN TO HER...and I make a
gesture for her to go ahead of me,
y’know, bein’ a gentleman, and I
couldn’t help but notice she had a
pickleball bag slung over her
shoulder.
LARRY
Game on.
SPIKE
So I asked, “Do you play?” And she
gives me the old up and down if you
know what I mean.
LARRY
I don’t but keep goin’.
SPIKE
And then she looks at me and says,
“What’s your rating.”
LARRY AND BILLIE

What’s your rating?
SPIKE
“What’s your rating.”
LARRY
Wow.
BILLIE
Having a number that defines who
you are really does matter.
LARRY
What’d you say.
SPIKE
I said, “I’m a 3.0.”
LARRY
What’d she say.
SPIKE
Let’s just say someone you know is
goin’ to Ohio for the weekend.
LARRY
Get out.
SPIKE
And when I say for the weekend, I
mean for the weekend.
LARRY
That’s what I’m talkin’ about!
SPIKE
I need to up my game asap. Who
wants to do some drills?
BILLIE
I could do some dinkin’.
LARRY
Let’s GOOOO!
SPIKE
Sheldon?
SHELDON
I’m bleeding internally.
SPIKE
Dinking’s where the -
LARRY AND BILLIE

Where the game is won or lost.
SPIKE
- game is won or lost, that’s
right.
LARRY
Billie could use the practice.
BILLIE
I’m a banger.
LARRY
She also hangs back on the baseline
too long.
BILLIE
I played tennis in college.
SPIKE AND SHELDON

Pickleball isn’t tennis.
BILLIE
I know.
LARRY
I already told her.
BILLIE
I grew up watchin’ Maria Sharapova
just stand behind that baseline and
bang it back as hard as he could.
SHELDON
Nothin’ you do says Maria
Sharapova.
LARRY
You’re more like Steffi Graf.
Everyone shoots a look at Larry.
BILLIE
...Steffi Graf?
LARRY
Because of the way she used to
grunt. On every shot. “Huh. Huh.
Huh.” You do that. Sometimes. All
the time.
BILLIE
Do you know why I do that?
LARRY
She was a great player, wasn’t she?
Wasn’t Steffi Graf a great player?
SPIKE
Great player.
SHELDON
Great player.
BILLIE
Someone had just hit a Cross Court
Angle Drop to my wife’s backhand.
She lunged for the return, fully
extending herself.
(MORE)
BILLIE (CONT'D)
Little did I know that would be the
last dink she’d ever dink.
(dink shot)
Dink. And then, just like that, she
was gone. Her body falling forward,
folding over the net, hanging
there, swaying in the wind like
someone else’s laundry. But she
wasn’t someone else’s laundry, was
she? Was she?
LARRY, SPIKE AND SHELDON

No.
BILLIE
That’s why, every time I swing this
paddle, I swing it in her honor.
(emotional, hitting
imaginary shots)
“Betsy!” “Betsy!” “Betsy!”
SHELDON
She was as fine a woman as there
ever was, Billie.
LARRY
On court and off.
BILLIE
The love of my life and the best
drill partner I ever had. What
could be more perfect than that?
Suddenly, the theatre is filled with the Intro Music for

Michael Jordan’s 1990s Chicago Bulls (also known as the song
SIRIUS by the Alan Parsons Project).
The music is soaring, majestic and loud.
At the first chord, Spike, Billie, and Larry hurl themselves

out of harm’s way. Billie is on the ground doing a “duck and
cover”, Spike is trying to hide behind his paddle, and Larry
is in the fetal position. Sheldon hasn’t moved from his
chair.
Upstage Center, the WOMAN FROM EARLIER rises out of the floor
in a plexiglass cage full of haze. Backlit, the Woman From
Earlier is holding a Pickleball paddle. As the music swells
and the platform reaches floor level, the Woman opens the
door and steps out following the cloud of haze, fanning it
away so she can see, before shutting the door behind her.
Far too athletically, the Woman strides forward. In a series

of samurai Pickleball moves, the Woman cuts the air with her
paddle. With one final sweep of her paddle, the music goes
out. In the silence:
PERFECT
My name is Perfect. Why am I
Perfect? Because I am who you want
to be, the player of your dreams,
your fantasy fulfilled if, if, and
only if you subscribe to my YouTube
Channel by clicking the little red
button. Don’t, and one day you may
look up and see someone on the
other side of that net who plays to
win. No matter what.
(primal)
LINE!
What?
PERFECT
On your knees, Losers.
Spike, Billie, and Larry all scramble onto their knees.
PERFECT
This past weekend, I played in the
Finals of the Mixed Doubles Windy
City Invitational. Our cross court
opponents had yet to win a single
point. Unlike you, these were good
players. Certified 4.0s. Which is -
(dumb midwesterner)
- pretty daggum good if ya ain’t
nuthin’ but a country clubber from
Lake Forest -
(back to Perfect)
- but it ain’t worth a plug nickel
when you’re playin’ me. I call out
the score.
(too loud)
Ten-Zero-One!
(hushed voice)
I drop the ball, up comes my
paddle, and over the net goes my
three quarter spinner rotating at a
twenty two degree angle heading
straight for quadrant three.
LARRY
I don’t know what she just said.
BILLIE
Ssh.
Perfect mimes a fundamentally perfect serving stroke.
PERFECT
And do you know what my opponent
did?
Spike, Billie and Larry wait in fear of saying the wrong

thing.
SPIKE
Returned your serve?
PERFECT
And that would be what.
BILLIE
Their first mistake?
PERFECT
Kiss the ring.
BILLIE
What?
PERFECT
Kiss the ring.
Perfect is extending her ringless hand. Billie crawls over

and gives it a quick peck.
PERFECT
Not only did they make the fatal
mistake of returning my serve, they
hit it where.
Perfect points at them for an answer.
LARRY, SPIKE AND BILLIE

Up The Middle?
PERFECT
Kiss it.
Clumsily, Spike, Billie and Larry take turns kneeing their

way over to kiss her ringless hand.
PERFECT
And with what, pray tell, did I
choose to answer?
BILLIE
A 3rd Shot Drop?
PERFECT
(maniacal laugh)
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
PERFECT
(with herself, recorded,
o.s.)
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
PERFECT
A substandard strategy favored by
the ordinary, no, instead, I rifled
my lethally rated forehand over the
net, on a line, straight for my
opponent’s face. Because my Killer
Return is faster than the Speed Of
Sound, my opponent cannot react,
cannot get out of the way, cannot
run from what he cannot see until
it’s right between his eyes.
Holding a pickleball inches from her face, Perfect’s own eyes

are crossing.
PERFECT
Game over, blood on the court, call
the paramedics.
BILLIE
Paramedics?
Perfect whips out some pamphlets.
PERFECT
One week from today, on these very
courts, I will be sponsoring the
Perfect Pickleball Gold Medal
Classic! Who wants to be better?
SPIKE
(re: pamphlet)
It says for 3.0 Players Only.
BILLIE
(re: herself and Larry)
We’re only 2.5s.
PERFECT
I just threw up in my mouth.
SPIKE
I’m a 3.0.
PERFECT
What’s your name, Player.
SPIKE
Spike.
PERFECT
Mike, are you satisfied?
SPIKE
No.
PERFECT
You sure?
SPIKE
Never.
LARRY
Are you single?
Perfect’s head snap turns to Larry. Slowly, Perfect walks

towards Larry, who cowers. Standing over him:
PERFECT
Squat.
Larry hustles into a squat.
PERFECT
Not bad. Not bad at all. THIS,
people! THIS is the Ready Position
for a Baseline Return by a 2.5er!
To get to 3.0, we will need a
little more flex in our knees!
From behind Larry, Perfect whacks the back of Larry’s left

knee which buckles. Larry is lopsided. Another whack on the
back of his right knee and that knee also buckles, squaring
him up.
PERFECT
We now have 3.0 Knee Flex!
With our dominant leg back back
back...
Perfect tap tap taps Larry’s right kneecap back three inches,
inch by inch by inch.
PERFECT
Our paddle in the neutral
position...
Perfect uses her paddle to move Larry’s hands and paddle into
the proper position.
PERFECT
And our weight slightly forward.
Perfect backhands Larry on the ass, thrusting his weight

forward onto the balls of his feet.
PERFECT
We are now ready to become a 3.0!
What’s your name, Player?
LARRY
Larry.
PERFECT
How ‘bout we give Laurie a nice
round of applause?
Billie and Spike applaud. Sheldon does not. Perfect notices.
PERFECT
What’re we poutin’ about, Pouty
Pants?
BILLIE
Shell.
LARRY
Don’t do it.
SPIKE
(under his breath, to
Larry)
I’d kinda like to see what happens.
PERFECT
What’s your name, Player.
SHELDON
Sheldon.
PERFECT
Rating?
SHELDON
I don’t believe in ratings.
BILLIE
He’s a 2.5.
SPIKE
Really?
BILLIE
No?
SPIKE
I’d say he’s more like a 2.0.
LARRY
1.5. No offense, Shell.
SHELDON
I’m injured.
BILLIE
He did the splits.
SPIKE
I might’ve had something to do with
it.
SHELDON
He blew out both of my butt
muscles.
SPIKE
Yes and no.
PERFECT
Elton?
SHELDON
Sheldon.
PERFECT
I don’t have to tell you an injury
like that could put your paddle
down for a good month. Maybe
longer.
Carrying his paddle, water bottle and camp chair, Sheldon is

going off.
SHELDON
If you want me, I’ll be layin’ down
somewhere.
PERFECT
Injuries occur because of poor
technique, bad form, and sloppy
execution. I can fix that.
SHELDON
You wanna fix somethin’, teach him
not to poach.
Gone.
SPIKE
Sheldon? Sheldon!
BILLIE
He’ll come back.
SPIKE
No, he won’t.
LARRY
I’ll go get him.
PERFECT
Stay in your stance, Stubby. What
Sherman fails to understand is that
he thinks he’s the only one in pain
but we’re all hurtin’. That’s why
we play, isn’t it. We’re all just
tryin’ to run from the pain.
SPIKE
He’s actually hurt.
BILLIE
He can barely walk.
LARRY
He waddles.
PERFECT
Then he’ll never be a 3.0.
BILLIE
My wife died on a Pickleball court.
PERFECT
Did you sign the waiver?
BILLIE
Waiver?
PERFECT
The Standard Liability Waiver that
protects you in case during the
Finals of the Windy City
Invitational you put one between
the eyes of some guy from Lake
Forest may he rest in peace.
BILLIE
Her name was Betsy. We met right
here on these courts. Played almost
every day ever since.
PERFECT
I’m not sorry.
BILLIE
Thank you.
PERFECT
What was her rating?
BILLIE
3.0.
PERFECT
And you’re...
BILLIE
I’m a 2.5.
PERFECT
Millie.
BILLIE
Billie.
PERFECT
Did Betty -
BILLIE
Betsy.
PERFECT
Did your wife ever look at you,
wishing you were more than what you
are?
BILLIE
No, she loved me more than -
Perfect doinks Billie on the head with her paddle.

BILLIE
- all the time.
PERFECT
I can make that happen. All I have
to do..
Doink.
PERFECT
Is untap...
Doink.
PERFECT
Your potential.
Before Perfect’s paddle can doink her for a fourth time,

Billie covers her head with her hands. Just before her exit,
Perfect turns back. All in one:
PERFECT
If you let me, I’ll teach all of ya
individually in person how to leave
a winner. I offer a three lesson
package at a hundred twenty five
and my Six Pack Special for two
fifty. Sign up online at
perfectpickleball.com, Visa &
MasterCard only. And don’t forget
to hit me up on Twitter, Instagram
or Tik Tok. Yo. Peace out.
And Perfect is gone.
SPIKE
What just happened?
BILLIE
I don’t know but now I can’t see
out of my right eye.
SPIKE
She’s not right.
BILLIE
Clearly.
LARRY
I didn’t see a ring on her finger.
SPIKE
Larry.
LARRY
Why not?
BILLIE
Because someone in Chicago is dead
that’s why not.
SPIKE
I gotta get to Sheldon. You think
he’s done?
Billie and Larry are on their phones.
BILLIE
Playing Pickleball? He loves it as
much as we do.
LARRY
His career as a gymnast is over but
not Pickleball.
ANGRY JOHN
(recorded, o.s.)
You have no hand eye coordination,
you move like a side of beef, and
what about your backhand! Wait!
What backhand? You -
BILLIE
Who’s he yellin’ at now?
SPIKE
Himself.
ANGRY JOHN
- don’t have a backhand! You don’t
have a forehand! You can’t dink!
You know what you are? You’re a -
Walking away, Angry John’s rant fades.
SPIKE
Now he’s yelling at his pickleball
bag. Now he’s kicking his
pickleball bag down the street.
ANGRY JOHN
- friggin’ joke, that’s what you
are. Next time, I’m leavin’ you at
home! See how you like THAT!
BILLIE
Y’know, off the court, he’s as cool
as a cucumber...
SPIKE
That’s how they all are. And then
they snap.
LARRY
(phone)
Oh, no.
SPIKE
What.
LARRY
Angry John signed up for a Six Pack
Special.
SPIKE
Oh, god.
BILLIE
And her tournament.
LARRY
And he put down as his partner -
Larry and Billie turn to Spike.
LARRY AND BILLIE

“To Be Determined.”
SPIKE
Sheldon!
Spike paddles off.
SPIKE
SHELDON!
Billie and Larry.
BILLIE
Hey, we should take lessons
together.
LARRY
Together?
BILLIE
Don’t ya think? I mean, if -
Perfect appears. Larry sees her.

BILLIE
- we’re gonna be partners come
tournament time, what better way to
get in sync than to train together.
LARRY
Three’s a crowd, Billie.
BILLIE
Three’s a what?
LARRY
A crowd.
BILLIE
I’m still in mourning.
LARRY
And I’m still a red blooded,
sexually deprived, hunk o’ here I
come. I’m going to make that woman
mine if it’s the last thing I do.
The sound of a cascading harp. As Larry and Billie paddle

off, the lights swirl. Perfect paddles on wearing a night
time blindfold. In her own ballet, she blindly spins round
and round until she’s stops, leans to one side, and rests her
head on her paddle as if sleeping. The harp suspends and is
over taken by a crash of thunder and flash of lightning. The
sound of an ambulance. Voices. Perfect’s Nightmare.
PARAMEDIC #1
(recorded)
Move to the side!
PARAMEDIC #2
(recorded)
Sir, can you hear me?
PARAMEDIC #1
(recorded)
What happened?
PARAMEDIC #2
(recorded)
Tell us what happened!
PLAYER #1
(recorded)
He got hit in the head with a
pickleball!
PARAMEDIC #1
(recorded)
A what?
SEVERAL PLAYERS
(recorded)
A PICKLEBALL!
More thunder and lightning. Directly upstage appears the

SILHOUETTE OF A FIGURE wearing a hooded, floor length robe.
Perfect lifts her night time blindfold.
PERFECT
Ralph?
RALPH
Murderer!
PERFECT
It was championship point!
The Figure rips back the hood, revealing RALPH’s grotesquely

made up face. An orange pickleball is implanted in the middle
of the his forehead.
RALPH
There is but one word I wish to
hear fall from your remorseless
lips.
PERFECT
Please.
RALPH
That’s not it.
PERFECT
I’m begging you!
RALPH
It starts with an “S”.
PERFECT
Anything but that!
RALPH
I want you to know how sssssss -
PERFECT
No!
RALPH
- ssssay it! I want you to know how
sssss -
PERFECT
Ssssssssss...
RALPH
Ssssssssss...
PERFECT
Ssssssssss...
RALPH
RrrrRrrr...
PERFECT
RrrrRrrrRrrrRrrr...
RALPH
Yee-yee-yee...
PERFECT
Yeeyeeyeeyeeyee...
RALPH
How sorry you are?
PERFECT
That!
Wailing, Perfect collapses into a heap on the floor. More

thunder and lightning. His feet hidden by the floor length
robe, Ralph seems to float over to Perfect.
RALPH
Do you seek redemption for your
malicious misdeed?
PERFECT
I do, I do! I do I do I do!
RALPH
Then your only hope is to devote
your remaining time on Earth to
helping others.
PERFECT
I am! I have my own YouTube
Channel, I sponsor tournaments, I
give lessons -
RALPH
As people.
PERFECT
People?
RALPH
Find out what they want. Then give
them what they need.
PERFECT
I’m not really a people person.
RALPH
Complete that task and I won’t
haunt you for the rest of your
days.
PERFECT
Copy that.
RALPH
One more thing.
PERFECT
I promise to never use the Killer
Return again.
RALPH
No. Promise me you will.
Ralph floats away.
PERFECT
Are you saying what I think you’re
saying?
RALPH
(turning back)
Are you single?
PERFECT
Am I what?
RALPH
Are you single? Are you single? Are
you - (continues)
Ralph is joined by his own voice recorded.
RALPH
(recorded)
you single?...
Ralph’s Voices are joined by Larry who has paddled on:
LARRY
you single?...
As well as Larry’s Recorded Voice:
LARRY
(recorded)
you single?...
Two live voices and several Ralphs and Larrys create a

cacophony of sound. The lights swirl around Perfect, her face
contorting in terror.
Suddenly, the largest crash of thunder. Lightning. As Ralph

floats upstage into the darkness and the Ralphs and Larrys
fade, the lights change, leaving us with Larry standing there
with his paddle.
LARRY
Are you single?
PERFECT
Am I...
LARRY
I didn’t see a ring.
PERFECT
No.
LARRY
Are you sure?
PERFECT
Positive.
LARRY
There’s no...
PERFECT
None.
LARRY
And that’s your -
PERFECT
That’s my final answer. Spread your
legs.
LARRY
What?
PERFECT
Squat.
Larry squats. Perfect circles him, surveying his stance,

poking his body with her paddle to move him into a better
position.
PERFECT
Besides walking from the Barco-
lounger to the fridge, what
exercise does this body get?
LARRY
Walking from the fridge back to the
barco-lounger?
PERFECT
Do you hear me laughing?
LARRY
No.
PERFECT
In order to build confidence in a
lesser player, I use a drill I call
HOW GREAT THOU ART. To unlock
greatness, a lesser player needs to
look up to that which he wishes to
be, which is why when we speak of
ourselves as Pickleball Players, we
must do so in the third person.
Understood?
LARRY
Got it.
PERFECT
What is Larry’s purpose in being
here today.
LARRY
Larry signed up for a lesson so
Larry can become a 3.0 Player and
qualify for your tournament and
meet women not necessarily in that
order.
PERFECT
And Larry thinks using Pickleball
to hook up with a random stranger
will squelch the festering flaws in
Larry’s character?
LARRY
Larry thinks it would help.
PERFECT
Answer me this. When you look
across the net, what do you see.
LARRY
Spike. Sheldon. Sometimes, Billie.
And then there’s Angry John -
PERFECT
You see an opponent.
LARRY
Opponent. Yes. I see my opponent.
PERFECT
Larry’s opponent.
LARRY
Larry’s opponent.
PERFECT
Larry sees...
LARRY
Larry sees Larry’s opponent.
PERFECT
And what would Larry see if Larry’s
opponent were a woman?
LARRY
Larry would see Larry’s opponent
who is a woman.
PERFECT
Would Larry see Larry’s opponent
who is a woman as someone Larry
could imagine giving herself to
Larry for no other reason other
than to satisfy Larry’s despicably
disgusting and out of date desires?
Larry looks at Perfect. Nothing.
PERFECT
Shall I repeat -
LARRY
I’m thinking.
PERFECT
Or is Larry capable of seeing
Larry’s opponent who is a woman as
someone else?
(MORE)
PERFECT (CONT'D)
Say, someone waiting to be taken
just as far as Larry’s love can
take her. Someone who wants what
Larry wants. Needs what Larry
needs. Even if Larry is oblivious
to what that might be.
LARRY
When does Larry start banging?
PERFECT
Not yet.
Under the following, we hear sultry jazz. Perfect circles

Larry.
PERFECT
Like a rising sun through a dying
dawn -
Perfect uses her paddles to trace an imaginary incision down

Larry’s chest.
PERFECT
- Larry must play with an open
heart, brightening the world with
Larry’s kinder, gentler side so
that when Larry’s opponent returns
Larry’s ball back to Larry, she
does so with the same love and
affection in which it was served.
And when Larry returns her return
with even more love and affection
Larry is now enticing Larry’s
opponent with understanding and
warmth and now their love is a
volley, their dinks their desires
until at last they are thwhacking
and thwhacking and thwhacking until
both of you toss your paddles to
the sky and say, “Enough! Enough!”
Collapsing into your portable camp
chairs, basking in the after glow
of your flaming infatuation,
feeling for the first time that to
live life without love is to live
in a state of perpetual loneliness
until one day you find yourself
clinging to the trophy you won at
the Windy City Invitational,
staring with hollow eyes into a
night so dark it will be all you
can do not to let yourself drown in
a deluge of despair.
LARRY
Sheldon mentioned you might’ve
killed someone.
PERFECT
I signed the waiver.
LARRY
Still.
PERFECT
Still. Lennie?
LARRY
Larry.
PERFECT
How badly do you want to be a 3.0.
LARRY
More than anything.
PERFECT
Then heed my words: may your dink
be a kiss, may your volley be a
caress, and may you always hit your
return with love.
Perfect paddles off. As the jazz continues, Billie and Spike

paddle on. Larry is staring off.
SPIKE
How’d it go?
BILLIE
Are you a 3.0?
LARRY
Larry is more than a 3.0.
BILLIE
(to Spike)
Larry’s more than a 3.0.
(to Larry)
Why are you talking like that?
LARRY
Larry untapped Larry’s potential.
SPIKE
Larry doesn’t have any potential
now I’m talking like that.
BILLIE
Let me do it.
(to Larry)
Larry, what do you mean Larry
untapped Larry’s potential now I’m
doing it.
LARRY
From now on, when Larry looks
across the net at Larry’s opponent
Larry will not see someone Larry
can only imagine having
unforgettable mutually agreed upon
sex with at the soonest
opportunity. No, from this day
forward, when Larry looks into the
eyes of Larry’s opponent our souls
will join and our hearts will beat
in perfect time to the same rhythm -
thump thump, thump thump, thump
thump - and for the first time in
Larry’s life, Larry will know what
it means to be in love.
SPIKE
That was some lesson.
LARRY
My friends, there is more to life
than spinnin’ your dink.
Larry paddles off. Billie grabs her paddle.
SPIKE
Where you goin’.
BILLIE
That woman’s a miracle worker! And
if I don’t make some changes, I’ll
never be more than I am. Besides,
it’s what Betsy always wanted, even
though she never came out and said
it.
BETSY
(recorded, from heaven,
reverb)
Yes, I did.
Spike paddles off.
BILLIE
Betsy?
BETSY
I’m right here.
BILLIE
You can hear me!
BETSY
Every time you swing your paddle, a
little bell goes off and there you
are.
BILLIE
So there is a heaven?
BETSY
More or less. Listen, while I’ve
got you, lemme ask you this.
BILLIE
Anything! Ask me anything at all,
my love!
BETSY
And I’m going to be very specific.
BILLIE
Fire away!
BETSY
Does your forehand still lack
directional intent?
BILLIE
Yes, but I’m -
BETSY
Is your backhand still
inconsistent?
BILLIE
Yes, but I’m -
BETSY
And your serve still lacks depth?
BILLIE
Yes, but I’m -
BETSY
What were my last words to you, my
love?
(MORE)
BETSY (CONT'D)
As I hung over that portable net,
my head dangling, my arms akimbo,
my legs splayed out like a drunk
flamingo, I looked up at you and I
said what.
BILLIE
You were gurgling so it was hard to
tell.
BETSY
I said, “You’ll never meet anyone
as good as me if you’re just a
2.5.”
BILLIE
My love, there will never be anyone
as good as you.
BETSY
At Pickleball.
BILLIE
Sorry.
BETSY
There’s no -
BILLIE
I know.
BETSY
- sorry in Pickleball!
(hard whisper)
Sssh! Someone’s coming!
BILLIE
Is it God?
BETSY
(hard whisper)
Be better, Billie!
Perfect appears.
BILLIE
I will, my love! I will! And I’m
gonna do it all for you!
(big forehand swing)
Betsy!
PERFECT
Someone played tennis.
Billie jumps a foot.
BILLIE
Aah! Yes. Hi. In college. I
lettered as a sophomore. And before
you say it, I know it’s a different
game with different techniques and
strategies -
PERFECT
Did Barbie leave a winner?
BILLIE
Betsy. Yes, she did leave a winner.
Won the point. And the game.
PERFECT
She saw it coming, didn’t she.
BILLIE
Someone had just hit a Cross Court
Angle Drop to my wife’s backhand...
PERFECT
And instead of running away, she
ran towards it. With a courage only
found in the most heroic of heroes,
she chose to face her ultimate
fate. Head on. Unafraid.
BILLIE
She was just dinkin’ a dink, but
sure. We actually talked about it
once. If you could choose your own
death, what would you choose. She
said she wanted to go out with a
paddle in her hand.
PERFECT
That’s the most beautiful thing
I’ve ever heard.
Knighting her, Perfect places a hand on Billie’s shoulder,

pushing her down until she’s kneeling.
PERFECT
How badly do you want to be a 3.0.
BILLIE
It’s all I have left to live for,
Your Majesty.
PERFECT
You just keep sayin’ her name. If
you do that, you’ll leave a winner,
too.
Perfect paddle dances off.
BILLIE
Am I a 3.0?
PERFECT
You’re a 3.0!
Larry paddle dances on.
LARRY
You’re a 3.0?
BILLIE
I’m a 3.0!
LARRY
I gotta partner!
BILLIE
You gotta partner!
From everywhere, we hear the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and

Orchestra at Temple Square perform the HALLELUJAH CHORUS FROM
THE MESSIAH, composed by George Frederic Handel. Larry joins
in full voice. Larry is not a singer.
:06
CHOIR LARRY
(recorded) (singing)
Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Halle-lujah!... Halle-lujah!...
Like a fawning disciple, Larry paddle dances around Billie

who stands like a statue, looking off into the distance, her
hands on her hips, her jaw thrust out as far as it will go.
LARRY AND CHOIR

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Hal-le-lujah!...
Larry sings a salute. Keeping the beat with her head, Billie
nods along.
LARRY AND CHOIR

For the Lord God
Omnipotent reigneth
Larry paddle ballets around Billie.
LARRY AND CHOIR

Larry kneels. Billie sings in full voice.
BILLIE AND CHOIR

(singing)
For the Lord God
Omnipotent reigneth
BILLIE, LARRY AND CHOIR

As the Mormon Tabernacle Choir splits into a round between

the Men and Women, Billie and Larry sing and dance together
in a synchronized paddle ballet.
:45
LARRY AND WOMEN BILLIE AND MEN

For the Lord God Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Omnipotent reigneth Hallelujah! Hallelujah!
Hal-le-lujah...
Still dancing together, they switch parts:

Hallelujah! Hallelujah! For the Lord God
Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Omnipotent reigneth
Hal-le-lujah...
1:00
Call and response:
BILLIE AND MEN

Hallelujah!
LARRY AND WOMEN

Hallelujah!
BILLIE AND MEN

Hallelujah!
LARRY AND WOMEN

Hallelujah!
Paddle balleting, on comes Spike.
SPIKE
Sheldon!

Hallelujah! Hallelujah! For the Lord God
Hallelujah! Hal-le-lujah! Omnipotent reigneth
SPIKE
Sheldon!
BILLIE, LARRY AND CHOIR

Hal-le-lujah!
1:10
Like a sword, Spike slashes his paddle and out goes the
Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
SPIKE
SHELDON!
Billie and Larry paddle dance off as Sheldon waddles on.
SPIKE
Sheldon, please, I’m begging you. I
know I’ve done you wrong but for
the love of God, please don’t make
me play with Angry John!
SHELDON
Spike.
SPIKE
He’s stalkin’ me, I tell ya!
Everywhere I go, there he is!
ANGRY JOHN
(recorded, o.s.)
Is it because you hate me? Or is it
because I hate myself?
SPIKE
See?
SHELDON
Spike.
SPIKE
You’re the only one left!
SHELDON
I waddle.
SPIKE
And if I wasn’t such a poacher it
never would have happened.
SHELDON
Bingo.
SPIKE
That said.
SHELDON
Don’t say it.
SPIKE
With your permission.
SHELDON
Spike.
SPIKE
Just for the weekend and then I’ll
never poach on you again for as
long as I live, I promise!
SHELDON
No.
SPIKE
These are special circumstances!
SHELDON
The only thing special about this
is you don’t wanna play with Angry
John.
SPIKE
It’s not that. Okay, it’s that.
SHELDON
Skip the tournament.
SPIKE
I can’t! Don’t ya see? It’s got me!
It’s got me by the throat, I tell
ya!
SHELDON
Who’s got you by the throat.
SPIKE
Pickleball! It’s in my blood, it’s
in my dreams, it cost me my
marriage, and you know what? I
don’t care!
(MORE)
SPIKE (CONT'D)
I don’t care because I can’t live
without it. And neither can you.
SHELDON
Spike, even if I wanted to, I’ll
never be a 3.0. And that’s with a
good ass. I’m sorry.
SPIKE
SHELDON
Yeah well, there is in Life.
SPIKE
Bring it in, Picklers!
Billie and Larry paddle dance on.
SHELDON
What the hell is this?
BILLIE
How ya doin’, Shell.
LARRY
Hey, Sheldon.
SHELDON
What’re you doin’ here?
SPIKE
We just want to talk to you.
BILLIE
We can’t let you quit.
LARRY
No quitting allowed, my friend.
SHELDON
Is this what I think it is?
SPIKE
Just hear what we have to say.
SHELDON
I don’t care what you have to say.
SPIKE
Larry?
Larry reads from a piece of paper.

LARRY
(reading)
“Dear Sheldon. I don’t know you
very well because we only see each
other at Pickleball but sometimes
afterwards we sit and talk about
things that are going on in our
lives that are going on.” I forgot
to cut that.
SPIKE
Get to the...
LARRY
Right.
(reading)
“I know there’s no sorry in
Pickleball but I would be if you
didn’t play in the tournament
because then Spike would have to
play with Angry John and I fear for
his safety. Signed, Larry.”
SPIKE
Thank you, Larry.
LARRY
Was I supposed to read that last
part?
SPIKE
Stop talking.
LARRY
Gotchya.
SPIKE
Billie?
Billie pulls out a piece of paper.
BILLIE
(reading)
“Dear Sheldon. As I sat down to
write this letter, I realized that
I didn’t know your last name. In my
phone, you’re listed as Sheldon
Pickleball.”
LARRY
Yup.
SPIKE
Me, too.
BILLIE
(reading)
“Despite that, I just want you to
know that - and this comes from the
bottom of my heart - the real
reason I want you to play in the
the tournament is so I can KICK
YOUR ASS!”
Sheldon, Spike and Larry stare back at Billie.
SHELDON
Was that meant to scare me?
BILLIE
Dammit.
LARRY
Told ya.
SPIKE
Get to the part about...
BILLIE
Sheldon, how would you like to go
to South Carolina?
SHELDON
Why would I wanna go to South
Carolina.
Larry extends a pamphlet towards Sheldon.
LARRY
(re: pamphlet)
SILVER DILL HILLS.
BILLIE
It’s a rehab center in Dill Spear,
South Carolina. Sponsored by the
Gherkin Institute. Now, before you
say no, can I share something with
you I’ve never told anyone?
SHELDON
No.
BILLIE
A year ago last winter, I made a
remark that Betsy overheard. I
said, “I miss my life before
Pickleball.”
SHELDON
So do I.
BILLIE
You just think you do.
SHELDON
No, I know I do. Fact, I remember
that time of my life very well
because my butt wasn’t on fire.
BILLIE
Before I could say where the heck
are we going, Betsy had me on a
plane and on my way to South
Carolina. One week later, I was
cured.
SHELDON
Of what.
BILLIE
Of thinkin’ I could live without
it.
SHELDON
Without Pickleball.
BILLIE, LARRY AND SPIKE

Yes.
SHELDON
You people don’t have lives, do ya.
BILLIE
Yes, we do, Shell.
(re: paddle)
And they’re right here in our
hands.
Billie, Larry and Spike hold up their paddles.
SPIKE
Everything’s paid for. All you have
to do is get on the plane.
LARRY
C’mon, Shell.
BILLIE
Do it for us.
SPIKE
Please.
Then:
SHELDON
I’m takin’ up golf.
SPIKE
No!
BILLIE
Oh, god!
SPIKE
You can’t do that!
LARRY
That’s worse than Pickleball!
SHELDON
I gotta 10am tee time on Saturday.
More simultaneous overreaction.
SPIKE
I don’t believe it!
LARRY
I can’t even!
BILLIE
No, no, no!
SHELDON
And guess who I’m playin’ with?
Somebody who’s never heard of
Pickleball.
LARRY, SPIKE AND BILLIE

There’s someone who hasn’t heard of
Pickleball?!
SHELDON
I told him if my injury prevents me
from swinging a paddle, it sure as
hell won’t let me swing a golf club
and you know what he said to me? He
said, “Sheldon, you just bring your
putter.”
SPIKE
Your putter?
SHELDON
“And when we get up to the green,
all you gotta do is get out of the
cart, drop a ball anywhere you
want, and putt it into the hole.”
And I said, “You mean, you’re not
going to putt it for me?” “No,” he
said, “That would be against the
rules. The only one who gets to
putt your putt is you.”
(to Spike)
Think twice about poachin’ on Angry
John. I hear he’s gotta temper.
Sheldon waddles off as Perfect appears.
LARRY
(sorry)
I’m not sorry, Spike.
BILLIE
(sorry)
I’m not sorry, either.
SPIKE
Hey, maybe this is God’s way of
telling me to make new friends.
PERFECT
Angry John’s lookin’ for ya.
SPIKE
Oh god.
Spike takes a knee. Billie and Larry paddle dance off.
PERFECT
Keeps sayin’, “Where’s my partner?”
Spike is now down on all fours.
SPIKE
You couldn’t hold him back?
PERFECT
Passed with flying colors.
As Perfect watches, Spike gives himself a pep talk.
SPIKE
Okay, Spike, you can do this, okay,
you can do this. On three. One,
two, and I’m -
(MORE)
SPIKE (CONT'D)
(upright)
- up, I am up and I am here and I
am doing this, even though I am
already a 3.0, here is my ratings
card -
(re: flashes card)
- my entry fee is paid, I signed
the waiver and I am ready, willing
and able to take a lesson I don’t
need and more importantly to be
Angry John’s partner because I can
do this.
PERFECT
You’re addicted, aren’t you.
SPIKE
I’m jonesin’ like a junkie.
PERFECT
Mike.
SPIKE
Spike.
PERFECT
You remind me of the Dalai Lama.
SPIKE
The Dalai Lama’s a junkie?
PERFECT
For Pickleball. Hit me up on
Instagram, says, “Come to Tibet.”
Doubled my fee, all expenses paid.
How could I say no? So I catch the
first flight to Indonesia. Soon as
I get there he takes me out behind
the monastery. Wants to show off
his own personal pickleball court.
Lights. Juice bar. Four monks
playin’ doubles.
SPIKE
The Dalai Lama plays Pickleball?
PERFECT
He’s obsessed. Next thing I knew,
there were hundreds of monks
circling the court. Money came out.
Bets were placed.
SPIKE
(again)
The Dalai Lama plays Pickleball?
PERFECT
I was up 10-9. He returned serve
and I answered with a low stinger
to his forehand. Strangely, he
didn’t move his paddle. Ball hit
just inside the line. I win. After
the game, I said, “That was Game
Point. Why’d you let it go?” He
smiled. “I want to give you a
gift,” he said. And I’m thinkin’
y’know, some kind of trinket from
the gift shop. “No,” he said, “I’m
going to teach you how to hit The
Killer Return.”
SPIKE
The Dalai Lama...
PERFECT
He’s living in exile. Apparently,
he needs all the weapons he can
get. Ten minutes later, I had all
the scorching power, lightning
speed and deadly accuracy anyone
could ever want. And then he said,
“Now you must promise me that you
will never use this gift. Because
if you do, you will have succumbed
to temptation. You will have tapped
into the darkness that lives inside
all of us.”
SPIKE
And now someone in Chicago is dead.
PERFECT
Lake Forest, but yeah.
Spike grabs Perfect by the shoulders. Every movie in the

‘30s.
SPIKE
Teach me the Killer Return.
PERFECT
No!
SPIKE
You must!
PERFECT
Why, so you can break your promise,
as I did, only to leave yourself in
the agonizing anguish of having to
face the terrible truth that you’re
not...that I’m not...
SPIKE
Perfect?
PERFECT
HOLD THY TONGUE FOR I AM NOT WORTHY
OF THY NAME!
SPIKE
Make me worthy!
PERFECT
(a wail)
Aaah!
SPIKE
Give me the gift!
PERFECT
(another wail)
Aaah!
SPIKE
With the Killer Return in my
quiver, its mere existence will put
the fear of God into those who dare
to dink in my direction!
PERFECT
You’ll succumb!
SPIKE
I won’t!
PERFECT
But you will! And then, where will
we be? Drowning in a deadly
despair! Knowing we have given in
to the worst in ourselves! To the
evil that lies within all of us!
SPIKE
Perfect.
PERFECT
Banish thy name from thy lips!
SPIKE
I can’t!
PERFECT
You must! ‘Tis thy name that is my
enemy! O, be some other name!
Spike turns her face to his own.
SPIKE
No matter whoeth, no matter
whateth, no matter whyeth wheneth
or whereth, I will keep thy gifteth
in thy hearteth where it shalleth
stayeth forevereth.
PERFECT
Ike.
SPIKE
Spike.
Spike takes his 3.0 Ready Position.
SPIKE
Please. Untap my potential.
Perfect softens.
PERFECT
On one condition.
SPIKE
I promise to never use it.
PERFECT
No. Promise me you will.
Perfect paddles off and Spike paddles in a circle as Billie

and Larry, wearing matching color coordinated pickleball
outfits, paddle on. Billie and Larry’s movements are
completely in sync with each other. As at the top of the
play, we hear the sound of pickleballs being thwacked. The
tournament has begun. Players are warming up.
BILLIE
Keep it on the court!
LARRY
Let others make mistakes!
BILLIE
Use your partner!
LARRY AND BILLIE

Great minds!
Billie and Larry tap paddles.
SPIKE
Who’s your first opponent?
BILLIE
I counted four knee braces.
LARRY
I’m shakin’ like a leaf!
BILLIE
Don’t worry, we’ve got Betsy on our
side! Maybe even God Herself!
BETSY
(recorded, in heaven)
No, just me.
SPIKE
Play well out there.
LARRY
No luck with Sheldon?
SPIKE
No, it’s gonna be me and Angry
John. I need get over myself, reach
out. Y’know, part of turning over a
new leaf is being open to new
experiences with new people.
LARRY
You’re a brave man, Spike.
BILLIE
‘Cause he was askin’ for you over
at the Registration Desk.
SPIKE
He’s looking at me. Right now he’s
looking at me. I can’t move. I’m
not moving.
LARRY
Tie your shoes.
BILLIE
Get down.
SPIKE
Now he’s waving. What should I do?
Tell me what to do?
LARRY
Wave back and then go down!
Spike waves.
BILLIE AND LARRY

Down down down down down down down.
Spike dives down to join Billie and Larry. All three are
tying their shoes. Eyes into the floor. Fingers and shoelaces
flying.
SPIKE
I can’t do this. You gotta help me.
BILLIE
What do you want us to do?
SPIKE
Think of somethin’!
LARRY
You gotta bad back, right?
SPIKE
What?
LARRY
Tell him you gotta bad back.
BILLIE
Really bad.
LARRY
Like Hunchback of Notre Dame bad.
SPIKE
Quasimodo?
LARRY AND BILLIE

Quasimodo!
SPIKE
I love it!
All Three refocus on their shoelaces. Unseen by them, Sheldon

waddles on carrying his paddle.
SPIKE
“Hey, John, good to see ya. Great
day for a tournament, don’t you
think? What’s that? Oh, gosh, I
wish I could but unfortunately, as
you can see, one of my vertebrate
just broke loose. Ow! There goes
another one!
Billie sees Sheldon. Then Larry sees him. Slowly, they both
stand.
SPIKE
I’m afraid I’m not gonna be able to
play today and trust me, nobody’s
more disappointed than I am but you
know as well as I do that you’re
not gonna win anything playing with
a partner who’s hunchin’ over like
The Hunchback Of...
Spike sees Sheldon.
From everywhere, we hear music we might hear under a romantic

love scene from some old time movie soundtrack.
SHELDON
Turns out I gotta ruptured rectum.
Doc said it would’ve killed a
normal man.
SPIKE
But instead, here you are.
SHELDON
Here I am.
Spike runs and hugs Sheldon.
SPIKE
Oh, Sheldon!
SHELDON
One little problem.
Perfect appears. As does the same Ominous Music.
PERFECT
‘sup, Pouty Pants.
SPIKE
Look, what he can’t get to, I can!
SHELDON
Just for the weekend.
SPIKE
Just for the weekend, I promise!
PERFECT
I gotta certified 3.0 waitin’ in
the wings. Granted, he just ate a
towel but his entry fee’s paid,
he’s good to go, and so am I. Find
your courts, Players!
Perfect starts off.
SHELDON
I love these people.
Perfect turns back.
SHELDON
And that’s sayin’ somethin’ because
generally speakin’ I don’t like
other people but these three,
they’re the only ones who don’t
judge me when I make a mishit, who
don’t target me when they need to
win a big point, and when they hit
it my way, they usually hit it in a
place where I can hit it back. They
make me better by including me. In
their rallies. In their lives.
They’re the friends I never would
have had. And that’s why I can not
and why I will not let my poacher
of a partner play with the only
person in this town who’s a bigger
Yiddish Penis than I am.
ANGRY JOHN
(recorded, o.s.)
I heard that!
PERFECT
Can you walk?
SHELDON
Like a penguin with hemorrhoids.
PERFECT
Lucky for you, this tournament is
all-inclusive. And that includes
penguins with hemorrhoids.
SHELDON
I’m a 3.0?
PERFECT
Soon as you pay the entry fee.
SPIKE
I already paid it.
Sheldon and Spike look at each other. Spike and Sheldon

run/waddle towards each other into a hug. Then comes Billie.
Then Larry. The Four group hug it out. And then, for the
world to hear:
SHELDON
I’m a 3.0 and don’t you forget it!
Suddenly, the romantic music is CUT OFF by a pounding rap

beat and guitar. Instantly, the Four become rappers with
paddles. Perfect steps forward:
PERFECT
(”Let’s get ready to
ruuuumble!”)
And now it’s time for the Perfect
Pickleball Gold Medal Classic!
Perfect paddles off. Complete with the latest hip hop moves,
all Four go into a full blown rap song.
“UP THE MIDDLE SOLVES THE RIDDLE” (written by Ben Daniels).
SHELDON
my paddle’s ready
first serve is off the nettie
does a dinker
playin' safe and steady
LARRY
backhand
BILLIE
flabjack
SPIKE
yea endorphins heavy
SHELDON
slice after slice
like a human machete
LARRY
now i’m cookin' to win
in the kitchen with the backspin
(MORE)
LARRY (CONT'D)
drop shots got the crowd
nearly gaspin'
SPIKE, SHELDON, BILLIE AND LARRY

(gasp and with added
recorded voices)
Aah!
SPIKE
fancy footwork
half of the time
lob shot to the backcourt

(live and with added
recorded voices)
line!
SHELDON
hit the sweet spot
up the middle solves the riddle
LARRY
make the knees knock
BILLIE
no apologies in pickle
SPIKE
he’s got the thick paddle
i prefer the thinner one
BILLIE
smash with the fiberglass
call me mister pickle gun

recorded voices)
rally rally rally rally rally
round the mid court
SHELDON
fightin' for our lives
LARRY
and forgettin' it's a sport
BILLIE
but i’ll meet you at the net
when it's all said and done
SPIKE
shaking hands touchin' paddles
holdin’

recorded voices)
trophies we won
BILLIE
ate my wheaties this mornin
feelin’ like michael jordan
SPIKE
pickle ball is life
the life that I was born in
SHELDON
the best of the best
and I'll dink with anybody
LARRY
you’ll be put to the test thinkin'
you can take the gold from me
SPIKE
it's a fight to the top
got the cream of the crop
eye to eye why do i
need a reason to mop
the floor at the final four
gonna run up the score
BILLIE, LARRY AND SPIKE

i can't take it no more
SHELDON
don't let the door hit your ass
if it's sore
LARRY
now we’re living the dream
on the pickle ball scene
there’s no “i” in team
but there's a “me” in scheme
and i'm schemin' to win
a little blood on the chin
SPIKE, BILLIE AND SHELDON

recorded voices)
Hyah! Hyah!
LARRY
innit to winnit so let’s begin
SPIKE
in defiance of the gods
and insurmountable odds
we dropped our facades
so we could stop being clods
BILLIE AND SPIKE

we changed our reality
Defied the laws of gravity
Mended our mentalities
Beat up our banalities
SHELDON, BILLIE AND SPIKE

and if you want it
you flaunt it but
Don’t dare dilletante it
after every point you taunt it
like an idiot savante it
LARRY, SHELDON, BILLIE AND SPIKE

you’re a winner a sinner
you’re a dink spinnin’ spinner
you forgot to eat your dinner
I think I’m gettin’ thinner
LARRY, SHELDON, BILLIE AND SPIKE

recorded voices)
but if you wanna take the title,
you gotta conquer all your rivals
and survive your own survival
you’re announcin’ your arrival
you’re the new American Idol
be sure to check your vitals
LARRY
‘cause what?
As at the end of the play, all Four swing a synchronized

forehand. The Music cuts out.
SPIKE, LARRY, BILLIE AND SHELDON

(spoken)
‘cause now we’re in the Finals.
In perfect follow throughs, all Four freeze in place. Game

faces.
SPIKE
We were
SHELDON
Playing
BILLIE AND LARRY

Each other.
SHELDON
Winner.
BILLIE
Take.
SPIKE
All.
LARRY, SPIKE, BILLIE AND SHELDON

Let’s GOOOO!
Larry and Billie go upstage. Sheldon and Spike, downstage.
BILLIE
Great minds!
LARRY
Just like the pros!
SHELDON
If I can’t get to it -
SPIKE
I got ya covered!
Both teams touch paddles with their partners.
SHELDON, SPIKE, LARRY & BILLIE

Partners!
With a Wimbledon Final intensity in their eyes, in unison all

four players fall into their 3.0 Baseline position.
Spike holds up an imaginary ball.
SPIKE
0-0-START!
With the SFX: THWACK of Spike’s serve, instantly we hear the

chase music from a Keystone Cop Silent Movie. With the first
note of the music, all Four turn into Keystone Cops Who Play
Pickleball. Their Final Match is a thirty four second fast
forward silent movie.
(www.youtube.com/watch?v=nSnKkuInBhg). :34 seconds long.

Video Example of Keystone Cops:

(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hwyUezj9cks).
POSSIBLE SHOTS:
Billie hits a backhand.
Spike poaches in front of Sheldon.
Larry spins a dink.
Sheldon dinks a shot from behind his back.
Spike executes a picture perfect forehand and then poses as

if watching himself in a mirror.
When Larry holds up an imaginary ball, the MUSIC & KEYSTONING

CUTS OUT. All are back into the Wimbledon intensity. Spike,
Sheldon, and Billie are in their 3.0 Baseline stances.
LARRY
Championship Point!
BILLIE
You and me, Partner.
SPIKE
Sheldon?
SHELDON
I’m ready.
LARRY
10-9-1!
At normal speed, Larry serves an imaginary ball.
SFX: DOINK.
Sheldon turns in place and backhands a return over the net.
SFX: DOINK.
Billie is back at the baseline.
LARRY
Billie! Get to the kitchen!
Billie stays back.
LARRY
Billie?
BILLIE
BANGER!
Billie unloads a BANGER.
SFX: BANGER DOINK.
As the imaginary ball sails between them, Spike and Sheldon

both look at each other, “shimmie their shoulders” and stay
in place. Thinking the other would go for it, Spike and
Sheldon both watch the imaginary ball hit just inside the
baseline.
Game over.
LARRY
We won!
BILLIE
We won?
LARRY
We won!
As Larry and Billie celebrate, Sheldon and Spike pat each

other on the back and move to the net.
LARRY BILLIE
We did it! We did it, We won! I can’t believe it!
partner! We did it! I’m a winner! I’m finally a *
winner!
All four come to the net for the traditional touching of

paddles.
SHELDON, SPIKE, LARRY AND BILLIE

Good game, good game, good game...
Billie looks up.
BILLIE
(to heaven)
Did ya see that, Betsy?
BETSY
(recorded, o.s.)
Nice shot, my love!
Suddenly, there it is again. The Intro Music for Michael

Jordan’s 1990s Chicago Bulls. Soaring, majestic and loud. All
Four Men “duck and cover”.
As before Perfect appears, rising up out of floor for a

second time. Out of the plexiglass cage she comes.
After clearing the haze, she slices the air with her paddle,
CUTTING OUT the Alan Parsons Project.
PERFECT
Now you get to play me.
BILLIE
You?
PERFECT
All four of you versus the one of
me! And! I will spot you ten
points!
BILLIE
Somebody’s gonna get hurt.
SHELDON
Again.
SPIKE
Perfect, please.
PERFECT
Your only chance is to hope I
taught you well. May the best
team...survive.
(too loud)
0-10-1!
Perfect prepares to serve.
LARRY
I love you!
Perfect freezes.
LARRY
I said I love you.
Poised to serve, Perfect stares back at Larry. Their chins

are quivering. Their knees are starting to wobble. Their
bodies are convulsing with emotion.
LARRY
(sotto voce, to others)
Say it.
SHELDON
Say what?
LARRY
Tell her you love her.
BILLIE
Why?
LARRY
Just do it!
All Four, all at once:
SHELDON
I love you!
BILLIE
I love you, too! I love you so
much...
SPIKE
I love you the most! Out of all of
us, I’m the one who loves you the
most of all!
LARRY
I loved you first! Remember? I was
the one who loved you first!
SHELDON
Love you so much! Love, love, love,
just pourin’ outa my heart, from me
to you!
Larry, Billie and Spike continue to say variations of “I love

you” until Perfect shuts them up by holding up the ball.
PERFECT
(up and over her own
emotion)
0-10-1!
During the following, Spike, Sheldon, Larry and Billie retell

what happened to each other as they play out the re-
enactment.
SPIKE
And then...
SHELDON
I still get nightmares.
LARRY
Bad ones.
Perfect serves an imaginary ball. THWACK.
BILLIE
She served.
SHELDON
To me.
The imaginary ball goes to Sheldon who waddles his body into
position for a forehand.
BILLIE
Sheldon returned her serve.
Sheldon hits a forehand. THWACK.
SPIKE
A cupcake.
SHELDON
I dinked it.
BILLIE
Put it right on a platter for her.
BILLIE
We all braced ourselves.
LARRY
I almost ran for cover.
SHELDON
I thought I was a dead man.
SPIKE
But no...
Perfect goes to hit a massive top spin winner.
SPIKE
...instead of hitting what I was
sure would be her Killer Return.
BILLIE
The banger of all bangers.
SPIKE
She drops a dink just over the net.
Perfect drops a dink shot to Spike. Dink.
SFX: DINK.
SPIKE
(to himself)
One bounce and up it came.
Spike points to the imaginary ball on an imaginary tee out in

front of him, waist high.
SPIKE
Landing right in the perfect
spot...for me to hit a -
SPIKE, BILLIE, LARRY AND SHELDON

Killer Return.
PERFECT
Nobody’s perfect.
SPIKE
She was daring me to hit it.
PERFECT
Nobody’s perfect.
BILLIE
Right at her.
PERFECT
Nobody’s perfect.
LARRY
Full kamikazi.
PERFECT
Nobody’s perfect.
SHELDON
Thelma & Louise.
PERFECT
Nobody’s perfect.
SPIKE
I had no choice.
PERFECT
Nobody’s perfect.
LARRY
She charged forward.
PERFECT
Nobody’s perfect.
BILLIE
Ran towards the Kitchen.
PERFECT
Nobody’s perfect.
SHELDON
With a look on her face...
PERFECT
Nobody’s perfect.
Crazed, Perfect lands in the Kitchen Position.
SPIKE
And then she said...
PERFECT
Hit it, Schmuck.
In slo-motion and strobe lighting, Spike unleashes the Dalai

Lama’s Killer Return. Off Spike’s paddle, a LOUD THWACK.
The imaginary ball travels towards Perfect, accompanied by

the same SONIC BOOM BUSTING, AIR SCORCHING FIGHTER JET FLY
BY.
Sheldon, Larry and Billie’s heads turn in slow motion as they

watch the imaginary ball travel across the net until the
imaginary ball hits Perfect right between the eyes.
SFX: DOINK.
In the silence, Perfect reels about, staggering, until she

drops to the ground.
Dead.
Like disciples, the Four silently gather round her body. A

piano is heard playing the popular funeral hymn, HOW GREAT
THOU ART by Carl Boberg in 1886. (Piano Only Link:
https://gccsatx.com/hymns/how-great-thou-art/).
The Four circle her corpse. Spike kneels over her body. All
Four sing with great solemnity:

(to recorded piano)
(:11) O Lord my God
In awesome wonder
Consider all the works
Thy hands have made
I see the stars
I hear the rolling thunder
Thy pow’r thru-out
The universe displayed
As Spike holds Perfect’s limp body in his arms, all Four face
front. Perfect pops her head up and, in full voices, all five
sing the Chorus:
LARRY, SPIKE, BILLIE, SHELDON AND

PERFECT
(with recorded piano)
Then sings my soul
My Savior God to Thee
How great Thou art
How great Thou art!
Perfect’s head drops, dead again. Spike sings as he carries

her off.

(with recorded piano)
Then sings my soul
My Savior God to Thee
How great Thou art
How great Thou art!
As the piano continues:
SHELDON
The police came out.
SHELDON
When they asked us how she died we
told them, “Exactly how she wanted
to.”
BILLIE
Just like Betsy.
LARRY
And that we’d all signed the
liability waiver.
SHELDON
Plus, there was a court available
and a couple of the cops wanted to
get in a quick game, so...
BILLIE
They held a memorial for her out in
Palm Springs, California. Honored
her with a moment of silence before
the National Championships. The
Gherkin Institute even named a
disorder after her.
SHELDON
Despite her tendency to kill
people, she was beloved.
LARRY
Then about a week after she died,
the Dalai Lama put out a video.
Went viral. He was surrounded by a
bunch of monks, all holding
pickleball paddles, chanting:
LARRY, BILLIE AND SHELDON

“Nobody’s perfect, nobody’s
perfect, nobody’s perfect.”
BILLIE
I was so upset I didn’t play for a
month.
SHELDON
Me, neither.
LARRY
Same here.
Spike paddle on.
SPIKE
I played later that same afternoon.
With a swipe of his paddle, the church music cuts out.
SPIKE
“Hi. My name is Spike and I’m a
Pickler.”
SHELDON, LARRY AND BILLIE

Hi, Spike.
SFX: The thwacking of distant pickleballs returns.
LARRY
We started reserving a court on
Thursday Afternoons just for the
four of us.
SPIKE
Not because we don’t like other
people.
SHELDON
Well, partly because we -
LARRY/BILLIE
Party, yes./Partly, it was.
SPIKE
Partly because of that, fine, but
mostly it was so we could just
play.
LARRY
Just play.
BILLIE
Just play.
BILLIE
Which is when it happened.
SPIKE
It wasn’t anything anybody said.
LARRY
Nobody needed to say a word.
SHELDON
We just did it.
SPIKE
And before we knew it, we were
doing it on every shot.
In sync, the Four hit a forehand. The thwacking of

pickleballs is replaced by the sound of their FINAL THWACK.

(swinging)
Perfect!
The cascading harp from earlier is heard. The lights swirl,

as Larry, Billie, Spike, and Sheldon paddle about like
butterflies over a flower until a crescendo in the music
simultaneously sends them all off in different directions.
Perfect paddles onstage wearing a pair of oversized angel
wings. She floats around and around as her recorded voice
circles around the audience. The harp continues under the
following:
PERFECT
(recorded)
Nobody’s perfect, nobody’s perfect,
nobody’s perfect...
The lights fade into a heavenly blue.
PERFECT
Nobody’s perfect, nobody’s...where
am I?
Appearing upstage is Ralph wearing an all white robe and a

plastic halo. The orange pickleball is still lodged in the
middle of his forehead. Sprouting out of both sides of his
back are a pair of oversized angel wings.
PERFECT
Am I in...?
RALPH
Not yet.
PERFECT
Ralph?
RALPH
You have to call me O Holy Angel Of
Lake Forest. It’s a thing up here.
PERFECT
I did what you asked. I helped a
sex starved womanizer open his
heart to love, I granted a dead
wife’s last wish to a recovering
tennis player, I looked the other
way so I could give a 3.0 to a 1.5
with a ruptured rectum!
RALPH
And?
PERFECT
And I taught the Killer Return to
someone just so they’d use it on me
the way I used it on you! That’s
what you wanted, right?
RALPH
And?
PERFECT
And?
RALPH
Sssssss...
PERFECT
SORRY! I’m sorry! Wait. I just said
it. I can say it! I am so so so
sorry! Can you ever forgive me, O
Holy Angel Of Lake Forest?
Off somewhere on some other cloud we hear the thwacking of a

single pickleball. Perfect and Ralph turn to listen.
PERFECT
What is...? Is that...?
RALPH
That would be Mathew and Mark
taking on Luke and John.
From the other direction, another pickleball being thwacked.
PERFECT
And over there?
RALPH
Joseph and Mary versus Adam and
Eve.
PERFECT
This really is Heaven.
RALPH
It is if you like Pickleball.
Ralph extends his arm towards Perfect. In his hand, a paddle.
RALPH
Wanna play?
Perfect rises, goes to Ralph and takes the paddle.
PERFECT
Forever.
Together, they turn and head upstage towards a heavenly

sunset. As the harp resolves, the shadow of a pickleball net
appears across the bottom of the entire horizon.
FADE OUT.
Curtain Call/Walk Out Music: UP THE MIDDLE SOLVES THE RIDDLE

as recorded by Ben Daniels.

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PICKLEBALL

Licensed through the

PERFECT, female, athletic.

BILLIE, female, somewhat athletic.

LARRY, male, not at all athletic.

SHELDON, male, athletic in a former life.

SPIKE, male, fit.

RALPH, older male.

ASSORTED RECORDED VOICES can be divided up amongst the actors

The play takes place in various places in and around a public

UP THE MIDDLE SOLVES THE RIDDLE by Ben Daniels is included in

PICKLEBALL premiered at the Purple Rose Theatre Company on

As the last of the Audience is being seated, from one side of

The window shuts. The thwacking continues. The window opens

Window shuts. Thwacking. Window opens.

The sound of a window slamming shut. The thwacking fades into

Lights up on a funeral parlor. A Pickleball themed plastic

Dressed in black with a black veil obscuring her face, a

“Paddle Dancing” consists of dance moves with a paddle.

Starring in a bad ballet, Larry tosses the plastic floral

Billie and Larry are now outside the cyclone fencing of a

BILLIE AND LARRY

Two beats of OMINOUS MUSIC. Billie stares at Larry. Finally:

Same Ominous Music. Larry stares at Billie. Finally:

Billie demonstrates a dink shot with top spin wrist action.

Billie demonstrates a punch return dink shot.

The rally’s pace picks up.

Billie and Larry are playing a real point with an imaginary

In pain, Sheldon enters carrying his paddle and water bottle.

While Larry and Billie watch, Sheldon positions his buttocks

BILLIE AND LARRY

Somewhere nearby, ANGRY JOHN, heard earlier in the Pre-Show,

SPIKE paddles on.

SHELDON, LARRY AND BILLIE

SPIKE AND BILLIE

During the following, Sheldon works hard to rise out of his

Sheldon is now standing.

Clutching his butt cheeks, Sheldon tries to waddle his cramps

SHELDON, BILLIE AND LARRY

Staggering forward, Sheldon crashes face first into the

Crippled by the pain, Sheldon has a death grip on the cyclone

On a march, the WOMAN FROM EARLIER storms through with a

Spike, Billie and Larry listen to Angry John. Sheldon is

Sheldon is re-lowering himself into his chair.

Billie and Spike shoot glances at Sheldon.

Through his pain, up comes Sheldon. Spike and Billie step

Sheldon is up. Spike and Billie step in between them.

More awkward silence.

Spike’s line, “Yesterday, I was just sittin’ there...” begins

BILLIE, LARRY AND SHELDON

From somewhere deep inside himself, Sheldon groans.

Holding his head in his hands, Sheldon’s groans go inward as

With a herculean effort, Sheldon raises his head.

Sheldon grabs his buttocks.

Same Ominous Music. Sheldon stares at Spike.

BILLIE AND LARRY

From the opposite direction, the WOMAN FROM EARLIER marches

Led by a THWACK, we hear the distorted sound of a SONIC BOOM

Perfect spins and paddles off.

The Foursome all turn to where the Woman From Earlier