Chase This Light With Me

Posted originally on the Archive of Our Own at http://archiveofourown.org/works/48135400.

Rating: Explicit
Archive Warning: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Categories: F/M, M/M
Fandom: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Relationships: Remus Lupin/Severus Snape, Harry Potter & Severus Snape, Draco
Malfoy/Harry Potter, Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, Remus Lupin &
Nymphadora Tonks, Remus Lupin & Harry Potter, Remus Lupin &
Harry Potter & Severus Snape
Characters: Severus Snape, Harry Potter, Remus Lupin, Nymphadora Tonks, Draco
Malfoy, Ginny Weasley, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, Albus
Dumbledore, Tom Riddle | Voldemort, Fenrir Greyback, Original Male
Character(s), Arthur Weasley, Molly Weasley, Minerva McGonagall,
Poppy Pomfrey
Additional Tags: Rape/Non-con Elements, Blood and Violence, Aftermath of Torture,
Aftermath of Violence, Slow Build, Explicit Sexual Content, References
to Depression, Drinking, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Series: Part 2 of Already Home
Stats: Published: 2023-06-25 Words: 376,467 Chapters: 37/37
 Chase This Light With Me
by RJLupin19

Summary

The Sequel to Already Home! It's Harry's sixth year at Hogwarts! Harry wants to help Draco
come back to the light side, even if it appears as if the Slytherin does not want his help.
Ginny seems to have forgotten Harry and moved onto dating Dean Thomas. Ron and
Hermione constantly arguing. And Harry struggles with trying not to give in to his urges to
cut and relieve himself from all off his stress... A mysterious Potion's book in his
possession...the Half-Blood Prince... Severus is trying all he can to keep his relationship with
his son above water as they fight through darkness and secrets that will eventually lead to
ultimate betrayals. Remus struggles with the aftermath of Greyback torturing him, bringing
new problems for him as well... And unexplained nightmares of Remus chasing a mysterious
light... A cabin in the woods... Meanwhile, a friendship starts to form between Severus and
Remus....
 You're Not Listening
Chapter Summary

Thank you everyone for supporting Already Home and always making sure to leave
kudos and comments, I loved every one of them. You guys are the reason why I kept
going! And now, please check out Chase This Light With Me. I just posted the first
chapter this morning, and I'm so excited and proud of it. It has gone through so many
transformations haha. Thank you for being so patient as I tried to get this story together
enough to start posting it on Archive. I'm super excited to see what you guys all think
and to start a new fanfic journey with you guys! I love you all! - RJLupin19!

Chapter One – You're Not Listening

"Through a martyr's eyes I can see, I've seen the best of love, the best of hate, the best
reward is earned and I've paid for every single word I ever said." (Chase This Light -
Jimmy Eat World)

Summer was officially over and it was now the start of a new school year. The once quiet
castle was now bursting with the sounds of excited and happy students greeting one another
after being apart for a few months. Severus Snape watched them file into the Great Hall of
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Being careful to appear as nonchalant and as
grumpy and indifferent to the students as best as he could, because worried was what he was
really feeling as his eyes scanned over the crowd, trying to spot a certain Gryffindor with
messy black hair and green eyes behind round glasses.

And when he couldn't spot Harry James Potter, Severus forced himself to remain calm,
telling himself to stop acting like an overbearing mother. It was very possible that Harry was
still on his way to the castle with his annoying bunch of Gryffindor friends. What was it with
Gryffindors and their desire to always be surrounded by a bunch of people anyways? Severus
thought, purposely letting his mind wander a bit, only to distract himself from his escalating
worry and the fear of his son going missing again.

He quickly glanced down at the staff table. Albus was at the center of it, followed by the
heads of houses; Professors Flitwick and Sprout on the left, and to Albus' right was Professor
McGonagall and Severus, himself. Past Sprout and Flitwick was Remus Lupin, who was in a
deep conversation with Professor Vector.

Severus deeply regretted that they weren't able to sit together, and jealousy made his heart
thud against his chest. Severus tried to not let the sight of Remus chuckling at whatever
Vector was saying to him bother him, he wanted to be the one who was making Remus laugh
like that. And he didn't like how close Vector was leaning towards Remus, the way he was
looking at him and how Remus' cheeks seemed to blush a bit. Severus glared at Vector,
waiting, hoping the Arithmancy Professor would look up and see it, that way he could back
off. But then Severus drew his gaze away before that could happen, he reminded himself that
Remus could speak to whomever he likes. It was not as if he and Remus were anything…
They'd only agreed to take things very, very slowly, to become friends and co-parents to
Harry, and just see where that takes them. No promises, no expectations, but there was a bit
of hope.

Severus forced his glare away from them and down to his empty golden plate. His distorted
reflection glared back at him. He knew he didn't really have anything to worry about. It was
just harmless flirting. He knew what Remus felt about growing close to another person like
that. After what happened between him and Black and the trauma he'd gone through being
held as Greyback's prisoner, Remus wasn't ready for a relationship again. He had made that
quite clear to Severus. And Severus understood completely. Despite his feelings towards
Remus, he wasn't sure if he was ready for a relationship either.

The memory of last night was not forgotten however, despite them sitting apart during the
start of term feast.

That very morning before the students had even started boarding the train to Hogwarts,
Severus, with a cup of coffee in one hand and his scrolls of parchment, lesson plans and
schedules in the other, had found a saved seat next to Remus at the start of their first staff
meeting. Severus recalled the way his stomach had flipped over as soon as he walked in
through the doorway, their eyes instantly finding each other and Remus silently gestured at an
empty seat next to him, his brown threadbare robes hanging over the back of it, obviously
showing others that it was saved. Severus took the seat, shyly handing Remus back his robes.

Some of the staff members had looked questionably at them, immensely surprised to see
Severus and Remus wanting to sit together. Of course they had expected Severus to be sour
towards Remus, like he'd been for weeks.

It was very well known that Severus was after the DADA position amongst the staff,
especially because Severus had shown nothing but hatred towards every single new professor
Albus had hired for the position instead of him. Also, it was Remus Lupin, the Defense
Professor Severus had shown the most hatred towards out of all of the others. And some of
the older professors like McGonagall, Sprout and Flitwick still remembered the history
between them when Remus and Severus were school children together. It was common
knowledge among the staff, just how much Severus Snape despised Remus Lupin.

But those weren't the real reasons why Severus had appeared mean and cruel towards Remus
during the last few weeks. Remus and Severus had accidentally kissed at Grimmauld Place.
Then that kiss had turned into an ugly argument between them, leading to Severus reverting
back to his old behavior towards Remus again, and it seemed convenient enough to Severus
at the time to let the staff assume that his hatred over Remus was still for the very simple
reasons of him taking the DADA position and that Severus was still resentful over him of
their school years.

Severus and Remus had ignored the staff murmuring together and the gossip that was surely
spreading. They didn't really speak to each other much, they couldn't with so many eyes
watching them. They didn't want to add more fuel to the wildfire. It was enough to just be
near each other, confirming the new bond of friendship they had formed the night before in
Remus' office.

Pulling himself back to the present, Severus forced his glare back to the students, who were
all mostly seated at their assigned tables now. It wasn't until the large heavy doors of the
Great Hall were closed, then Severus realized that his son had yet to arrive. He glanced
quickly at Remus again, to see if he had noticed as well. The werewolf's eyes were fixed on
the doors, his eyebrows furrowed with worry, no longer listening to what Professor Vector
was saying to him.

Leaning forward to Albus, Severus immediately caught the old wizard's eyes. Albus gave
him a nod, signaling Severus his permission to leave and find Harry. Unlike anyone else,
Albus could see the state of worry Severus was in, and he knew why without any
explanation. Severus wasted no time in getting out of his seat and off the raised platform and
stormed out of the Great Hall, and so lost was he in his thoughts on his missing son, that he
did not feel the concerned hazel eyes watching his departure.

As Severus made his way out of the castle with the chatter from the Great Hall growing
softer with each step away from it, he couldn't help but look back on the past summer with
his newly-adopted son.

It seemed like an eternity when he'd found himself in Harry Potter's small bedroom all those
months ago. Hoping with annoyance, bitterness and hatred, that James Potter's son was only
throwing a tantrum to seek attention from Albus. What he'd found instead, Severus could
never have dreamed of. He had found Harry… A boy as lost, afraid and abused as Severus
was at that age.

Harry was ready to give up, ready to die and leave this world full of hate, war and darkness as
he had always known it to be… But Severus grabbed a hold of Harry and pulled him out,
showing him that besides the darkness, there was light. There was hope, love and family.
Severus showed Harry that there was no reason to give up. He had to keep fighting. And in
each other, they'd both found a family.

The Boy-Who-Lived was never who Severus had thought him to be. He had learned the true
person Harry was, making him realize how much he cared for the boy. Severus was so proud
of his new son. They still had stuff to work out, but they would figure it out within time.
Despite the time limit caused by the war, Severus still did not want to rush Harry… Those
thoughts then led to darker thoughts as Severus now stepped out of the castle, the chilly air
signifying the official start of Autumn. There would come a time when Harry might hate him,
believing that Severus betrayed him, but it was all for the war…for the greater good.

Severus thought of the terrible promise he'd made to Albus. According to that old coot, it was
the only chance Harry had to survive, and Severus trusted Albus that his plan would work.
That the light side would win and Harry would understand in the end, even if Severus himself
did not survive. It tore Severus up inside thinking about his promise to Albus. He hated
himself for it, but he had to fulfill the old wizard's wish.

A glowing bright light suddenly illuminated the darkness around him, pulling him out of his
brooding. Severus stopped walking, eyes fixed on the patronus heading his way. It was a
large dog-like creature. Upon closer inspection, he realized it was a wolf. Severus wondered
whose patronus this was, since the only person he knew who owned a wolf patronus was
sitting at the Great Hall, in the opposite direction.

Severus waved his wand, ordering the patronus to deliver its message.

"Hagrid, this is Tonks. I have Harry. We are outside the Hogwarts gates," the patronus spoke.
Deep relief went through Severus. His son was safe, although he still couldn't help but
wonder at Tonks' interesting patronus.

Once Severus reached the closed entrance gates, he could see his son taking off his
invisibility cloak, standing outside the gates with Tonks.

Thank Merlin, he's alright, Severus thought, remembering the raw fear he'd felt when his son
was taken by Greyback.

"You're late, Potter," Severus growled, glaring at Nymphadora Tonks who was sporting light-
brown hair that was almost golden when it caught the light. He hadn't failed to notice that her
patronus was a rather large dog. He hoped this had nothing to do with a certain werewolf.

"Sir, I…" Harry started, taken aback by Severus' tone.

"I don't want to hear it, Potter!" Severus snapped as he opened up the gates. "Get inside!" His
worry and fear was now turning into irritation at the boy's carelessness. Anything could've
happened! Why couldn't Harry just stay out of trouble for once?

Harry glared at him with bright-green eyes as he stepped inside the gates, mumbling a
goodbye to Tonks.

Severus completely ignored Tonks who was trying to make conversation with him as he shut
the gates. He was starting to realize that the witch might be harboring a crush on Remus, and
Severus was not liking it. He would have to warn the werewolf as soon as he'd get the
chance.

Severus and Harry then made their way back to the castle. Severus could feel Harry studying
him, perhaps trying to figure out if Severus was acting or really angry at him. Severus had to
admit he was torn, torn at being angry at Harry's foolishness of not being careful, and
concerned for why he was late and sporting a broken nose.

The walk to the castle was tense, tense like when they'd first started living together in
Severus' quarters. He glanced at Harry, whose eyes were now on the ground, blood still on
his face.

"What happened?" Severus finally asked, his anger now slowly ebbing away.
Harry scowled, "So I guess you're done acting the evil Potions Professor, then?"

"Do not take that tone with me, Harry!" Severus snapped. At his son's glare, he forced
himself to calm down, not wanting to start the beginning of this term with a bloody argument.

"I know I acted a bit brash back there with Tonks. You'll have to excuse me. I was overcome
with worry for your wellbeing, since you've failed to show up on time to the feast with your
annoying bunch of Gryffindor brats!"

"Don't insult my friends!" Harry scowled.

Severus glared at Harry, feeling an ugly argument starting to rise. For a brief moment, he
wondered what had happened to the sweet boy whom he called his son before Severus had
dropped him off at the Burrow yesterday. Suppressing an impatient sigh, Severus tried to
force his sharp words away. "We don't have time for this… Tell me what happened to cause
your delay from the train!"

"It was Draco!" Harry snapped back with exasperation in his voice

That stopped Severus in his tracks. The blonde Slytherin had spent several weeks with them
during the summer. Both Draco and Harry had fought a lot at the beginning, until Harry had
spent several days at the hospital wing for slicing open his wrist. After that, the boys had both
formed a truce which led to a close friendship. He knew Draco's departure was hard on both
of them, especially since they were both on different sides of the war. He couldn't believe that
Draco would hurt Harry physically, even if it was to cover himself from his Slytherin peers.

"What happened between you two on the train? I'm guessing you were fighting? It didn't take
long for you to become enemies again, did it?" Severus sneered. He couldn't help being an
asshole, it was in his blood, and the worst of him always came out when he was stressed out
or angry.

Harry didn't say anything, only glared at the castle in front of them. They continued walking
in silence. Severus was about to give up on an answer, until he heard Harry say, "We were
fighting, dad, it was as if nothing ever happened, like we were never friends…"

Severus could hear the hurt in his son's voice, and that was what freed him of his anger
completely. He pulled Harry into a one-armed hug, not saying anything else. Tensing at first
from the sudden contact, then letting his body relax, Harry quietly returned it, their harsh
words to each other momentarily forgotten.

Once they reached the stone steps of the castle, Severus stopped walking.

"Hang on a moment, son," Severus said, taking out his wand.

Harry flinched, stepping back. Severus gave him a questioning look.

"There is no need to fear me, Harry, despite my sharp words. I still care for you very much.
Let me heal your nose. I expect you must be in pain."
Harry looked at him, then looked away, running his hand through his messy hair. It was
something Severus soon learned was a habit of Harry's when unsure or nervous; completely
opposite of James Potter who'd mused up his hair with arrogance.

"For a moment back there, I couldn't figure out if you were acting or if you really despise
me," Harry said quietly as Severus lifted his chin. His heart broke at Harry's words, and
Severus wished for the millionth time that he could just take his son and go into hiding, let
the rest of the world fight out the war for them.

Their eyes met, and Severus wished Harry could see what he was feeling as he silently said in
his head, Episky!

Harry's nose snapped back into place, causing him to shout out in pain.

"I'm sorry, it's better when you don't expect it," Severus said, he then muttered another spell
to clean the blood off his face. Harry gingerly touched his nose.

"It's not crooked, is it?" Severus half-heartedly joked.

"Are you attempting a joke?" Harry smiled a bit shakily. "The world must be ending."

"Ah well, I tried…" Severus said, "And as for earlier, I am sorry. I know you don't like it
when I act my old-self towards you. Come down to my office tomorrow during your free
period and we'll figure this out. I'm afraid we won't have time for a conversation such as that
right now."

Harry nodded.

"Now, can you tell me what happened with Draco?"

"I followed him back to his compartment on the train, under my invisibility cloak."

Severus frowned. That was very foolish, but he did not say a word. He just let Harry continue
because, Merlin, he'd finally got the boy to speak!

"He's up to something, Severus! I told you yesterday I think Draco might have the dark mark!
On the train, he was talking about not returning to Hogwarts next year, that his mum said he
would have better and important things to do!"

Severus glared at him. "I thought I'd told you before to drop the notion of Draco being a
Death Eater. It is none of your concern."

"He's one of my best friends! Look, Sev, I know you don't want to believe it about the dark
mark… But, I'm trying to tell you, Draco's up to something for his task! Aren't you a bit
suspicious about what I said yesterday? Have you told Professor Dumbledore yet?"

"Harry…" Severus said slowly, frowning at the blood stains on Harry's shirt. "Some friend
Draco is to have given you a broken nose, even if he has to act like your enemy."

"He had to…" Harry shrugged.

Narrowing his eyes, Severus asked, "Were his friends with him?"

"No, they left…" Harry said meekly.

Severus sighed at that. "Look, kid… I know you still care for Draco. I know you're worried
about him falling into Lucius' footsteps, but Draco is no longer the boy you know. If he does
have the dark mark already, then that means he is on the Dark Lord's side and trapped by his
family and their expectations. Until this war is over, you must tread carefully around him. It
is safer for Draco and for yourself."

"I know…but please, trust me when I say that Draco is up to something, probably for
Voldemort's task! We need to figure it out before someone gets hurt or he hurts himself! Or
his task fails and Voldemort kills him!"

"Fucking hell! Stop saying the Dark Lord's name out loud!" Severus snapped, louder than he
attended it to. "I've told you so many times! You don't listen, kid! Did you forget everything I
told you yesterday?!"

Harry ignored him and continued, "I bet my broomstick Draco has the dark mark! How can I
not try to help him? I know he doesn't want this! If I can only get him alone, try to talk to
him…"

Finally having enough, Severus snapped, "Listen to me, Potter! If something is going on, and
I say IF! I will be there to watch him, and Albus knows everything going on in this castle.
Whatever Draco is up to, we will take care of it. Now stop worrying over this, and for
Merlin's sake! Just stay away from him! It's obvious he doesn't want your help right now!"

Harry shot him a hurt look. "Why won't you listen to me?"

"I have listened! You're the one not listening to my orders!" Severus snapped out. Anger was
already rising up in his chest. He forced himself to stop shouting. He forced himself to not
insult Harry like he would've in the past. It would only make things worse.

"I don't want orders, I want your help!"

"I am helping! You don't think I like seeing my godson go down the same path I had gone
down at that age?! I'm telling you to stay away from him right now! That is an order, Potter,
and I don't want to hear any more about how you want to help him! Leave it to the adults!"
Severus bit his tongue, refusing to shout anymore.

Severus didn't want to be angry at his son or his son to be angry at him either. He wanted
them to be okay, but was not sure how to fix this sudden growing rift between them. If only
Severus could speak the truth and tell Harry that Draco was part of a bigger plan than he
knew, but Severus couldn't because of Albus… And he was just so tired of the secrets and
lies and Unbreakable Vows and promised tasks and tests of loyalty….

Severus reached out to touch Harry's shoulder, meaning to apologize and call a truce between
them, but Harry stepped away. Severus was met by a hurt-filled and angry bright-green glare.
"Harry…" Severus said softly, guilt clawing up his insides.

Harry stepped away. "Fine," he muttered.

Severus could only watch as his son turned away from him, opening the castle doors and
taking off to the Great Hall.

As he watched his son go, Severus sighed heavily, guilt and hurt prickling inside him.

Lily, why is your son so fucking stubborn! Severus thought as he followed after Harry.

Filled with concern over a missing Harry, Remus broke off his half-hearted conversation with
Professor Vector as soon as Dumbledore began to prepare his speech. And right before
Remus could decide if he should go out and join Severus on his search, Remus noticed Harry
finally slipping inside through the doors, his face full of annoyance as he made his way to the
Gryffindor table, with all eyes on him. He wasn't even wearing his school robes, making him
stand out even more.

Remus let out a sigh of relief as Harry sat among his friends who were heatedly whispering at
him for an explanation. It seemed as if Remus and Severus weren't the only ones worried
about Harry's mysterious tardiness. And just as that thought passed through him, Remus
caught the scent of blood. Alarmed, he looked closely at his cub, until he could barely make
out the dark blood stain on his shirt.

Severus then came storming in, walking at his usual brisk pace with his black robes billowing
around him and with a menacing glare to any student who had the misfortune to accidentally
make eye contact with him. Once Severus sat down, Remus stole a glance at him, hoping
whatever was bothering him wasn't too serious. He tried catching his eye, but the Potions
Master only had eyes for his plate. Remus glanced again at Harry to see his cub in a similar
mood. He guessed they must have gotten into an argument.

Remus had to admit, when he'd first found out that Harry was under Severus' care, he had his
doubts. As time went on, he found that Severus was a perfect guardian for his cub. Harry
needed someone like Severus, a strong father-figure who loved him for who he was. Remus
felt bad to say that Sirius never saw Harry as just Harry, but as a reincarnation of James.

Once Dumbledore was done with his speech, (Remus receiving a loud applause from his
former students for his Defense Against the Dark Arts post), everyone began to file out of the
Great Hall.

Remus was the first one out of his seat among the professors, immediately catching up with
Harry through the crowd. It was easy to his relief, just outside the Great Hall, Harry and Ron
had been stopped by Hagrid. Hermione was grouping up the first years and shepherding them
towards the direction of Gryffindor tower.

Remus frowned at the passing Slytherins, they were obviously laughing at his cub and
reenacting someone getting hit in the nose as they passed to get to the dungeons. Draco
Malfoy was in the center of the group with the hood of his cloak over his head, looking as
miserable as ever with his hands in his pockets. He wasn't laughing like his peers and his gray
eyes were fixed on the path in front of him. It didn't take much for Remus to put two and two
together. He figured Harry got jumped by Slytherins or he and Draco had gotten into a fight
on the train.

Once Hagrid walked away, Remus took his chance. "Harry!" he called out. Harry looked up,
catching sight of Remus. He had an expression between a grimace of not wanting to talk to
Remus about his tardiness and the blood covering him, and surprise and relief to see Remus
healthy and awake and walking around. The last time Harry must've seen Remus was when
he was unconscious in the hospital wing, Remus realized.

"Harry, there is blood all over you," Remus said, as he pulled Harry to the side, away from
the dwindling crowd. Ron followed them. Remus knelt down and cleaned up the blood with a
wave of his wand. He lifted Harry's chin, expecting his nose.

"What happened?" he asked, his voice coming out a bit sharply.

Harry pulled away, his lip curling with annoyance.

"Malfoy," Ron said when Harry wouldn't answer.

"Harry, I thought Severus had made it clear to stay away from him."

Harry just scowled at the mention of his adoptive father.

Remus frowned at Harry's behavior. "You know, you can talk to me, right? It's such a relief to
see you back and safe after what happened with Greyback. How are you doing, cub?"

To say that Remus was overcome with relief to finally see his cub again after everything that
happened was an understatement. Remus wanted to pull him into his arms and never let go.
He was just so glad to see his cub safe again. The last time Remus had seen Harry, he was
unconscious in that cellar.

But judging by the quiet and sullen mood Harry was in, closing up and refusing eye contact,
there was no doubt about it that Harry and Severus had indeed gotten into an argument. And
it didn't help that another group of Slytherins passed them, clearly laughing at Harry.

Remus snapped his head towards them. "Enough! Get to your dormitory!"

"Blimey," Ron said.

Remus turned back towards Harry, finding that Harry was gazing at him with hurt and
gratitude and relief. "Thanks, Remus, but you don't need to do that…" he said quietly. "It's
nice to see you out of the hospital wing too. Severus floo-called me about it this morning
before I left with the Weasleys to King's Cross. I was worried you wouldn't ever wake up… I
didn't expect you to already be walking around."

"Madam Pomfrey let me out on good behavior," Remus joked, only to lighten the mood
between them.
Harry didn't even smile.

Remus sighed with defeat and shakily stood back up on his feet. "Go on, cub, get to your
dormitory. We'll talk some more later, you have lessons tomorrow."

Remus reached out to pull him into a hug, but Harry stiffened and Remus withdrew without
touching him, letting him go. Ron was watching all of this with concern. Harry turned away
and stormed up the stairs.

"Keep an eye on him," Remus whispered to Ron, who nodded and ran after his friend.

Once the boys were out of sight, Remus climbed up the stairs towards his living quarters. He
was starting to regret ditching his cane sometime after lunch. His leg that had the nasty bite
was starting to bother him from all the walking around. Madam Pomfrey had sent Remus her
best glare three times during dinner. And when she'd asked where his cane was, Remus said
he'd left it on top of the Astronomy tower, causing a laugh from Professor Vector. Poppy
scowled and turned away from him, wanting nothing to do with him anymore. Remus then
apologized and she ordered him to rest his leg right after dinner and she better see him using
the cane tomorrow or she was revoking his early release.

Remus was stopped several times from the crowds of Gryffindors and Ravenclaws still
happily congratulating him on his return to Hogwarts, so he'd decided to take one of his usual
shortcuts towards the Defense corridor.

Remus still couldn't believe his luck that he was teaching at Hogwarts once more. Memories
of the time he'd turned into a werewolf during Harry's third year and the angry letters he'd
received from parents afterward were still fresh, and Remus hoped that history wouldn't
repeat itself.

The lanterns of the corridor were dimmed, casting shadows, as he turned the last corner.
Remus noticed a black figure leaning against the wall of his portrait door that led into his
living quarters, and all his worries about Harry's behavior tonight and the possible dangers of
his new teaching position drifted away as Remus realized who it was.

"Hello, Severus," Remus greeted warmly with pleasant surprise as he reached his portrait
door. "I thought you were retiring to your quarters after the feast."

"I prefer your company this evening, that is, if you don't mind?" Severus replied in his deep
voice. Remus could see that whatever argument that'd happened between him and Harry had
soured his mood tonight, it was still resting heavily on his mind.

"Of course, I don't mind," Remus said, then muttered his password, "Blackbird." The portrait
door swung open, and he stepped inside. "Would you like some tea?"

Severus nodded, stepping in as well, looking around Remus' quarters.

And Remus realized that this was only the second time Severus was completely inside his
quarters. He mostly visited Remus in his office. Remus tried not to think about the messy
state it was currently in, books and parchment everywhere with empty mugs and a few empty
wine bottles. He even had a few cages of dark creatures that were to be used for his lesson
plans during the first few weeks. Remus had meant to move them in his office, but didn't
have the time.

He watched Severus head over to the creatures, examining them with a raised eyebrow.
"Interesting curriculum for the first few weeks."

"I like to keep my classes interesting. It wouldn't do for me if I wasn't the most favorite
professor in the school."

Severus snorted at that.

Remus spied his cane on the floor, part of it was under the sofa. He raised his hand over it
and it shot up to his hand. Remus gripped it tight and leaned his weight on it, feeling the
instant relief. He was tired of being injured, using the blasted thing. It made him feel old and
crippled.

"Please, sit…" Remus said over his shoulder, as he limped to the kitchen and placed the tea
kettle on the stove.

Once he was back in the living room, he found Severus standing near the mantle looking at
the few photographs Remus had of his family and friends. He picked one up of Remus
holding a baby Harry. He stepped closer with the cane towards Severus and chuckled at the
memory. It was Harry's first Christmas, and the five-month old baby could care less for the
toys the Marauders had given him, only interested in the stuffed-black dog Remus had given
him that year. He could see the baby Harry in the photo hugging it close. Sirius couldn't
believe that his godson hadn't taken any interest in his own godfather's awesome Christmas
present.

"How old was Harry in this photograph?" Severus asked, his eyes on his young son.

"Almost five months… I think…" Remus answered, looking at Severus' face, noticing the
deep lines of stress and worry. "It's hard for me to not see Harry as that young happy baby
that Lily carried everywhere with her… Sometimes, I can still see his innocence underneath
all his burdens," Remus said, still observing the wizard standing before his mantle. He could
see in Severus' demeanor how hopeless he was feeling right now, although he would never
admit it. Harry must've been difficult tonight, and Severus as a new father, must be feeling
overwhelmed.

"I wish you were given the chance to raise him after Lily..." Severus said, still lost in the
photograph.

"I do too… Every day I wish that, so then he wouldn't have suffered..." Remus laid his hand
on Severus' shoulder. "You're doing a great job. Without you, Harry would've been lost to
us."

"I just feel like I'm not doing enough, like I'm messing him up even more. No matter what I
say to him, he pushes me away!"
"You're doing your best!" Remus said, not mentioning the fact that he'd felt completely the
same way when speaking to Harry tonight.

Severus just shook his head in frustration. Remus wished he could see what was truly
troubling him. What was it that Severus couldn't say?

"Don't be so hard on yourself," Remus said gently. "Harry grew up without anyone taking
care of him, he might still feel like he has to care for himself. It's going to take time for him
to get used to the idea that now he has you… Just give him time, Severus."

Severus only nodded once, eyes still on the photograph.

"I've noticed Harry arriving to the feast late," Remus said, changing the subject a bit since
Severus wasn't revealing what he was hiding. "I tried talking to him just now, but he was
closed up and in a sour mood."

The Potions Master placed the frame back on the mantle, before turning to sit down on the
sofa. Remus sat down next to him, placing the cane against the armrest, waiting for Severus
to reply.

"He got into a fight with Draco, who gave him a broken nose."

Remus' frown of disapproval and concern didn't go unnoticed.

"Don't worry, I healed it," Severus said.

Remus knew that already, but he nodded anyway. "That explains the blood I smelled on him."

Severus gave him a wide-eyed look of surprise. "You could smell it from where you were
sitting?"

Remus nodded, suddenly feeling like that was something he shouldn't have said. He forgot
sometimes that he wasn't fully human. Thinking of himself as not human led to darker
memories of the past couple of months. Where Remus' world was only of a dark stinking
cellar and so much pain. The stench of blood and waste and sickness. The smell of burning
skin and a fiery pain on his chest, right above his heart. The howls of the werewolves and
blood-red eyes. The convincing oily voice telling him over and over he was nothing but a
filthy animal who betrayed its pack. And the death of a young girl… Remus forced himself to
breathe normally, forced himself to stay in the present. He did not want to lose it in front of
Severus. Speaking of the Potions Professor, Remus realized Severus was still talking. He
forced himself to calm down, pulling himself together so he could continue listening.

"...he seems to think Draco has become a Death Eater…"

Remus couldn't keep the shock out of his words. "Do you think Harry might be onto
something?"

"I believe so, no doubt it's Lucius' punishment for his mishap at the Ministry. Albus and I are
keeping a close eye on the situation. I tried steering Harry away from it, but he is stubborn
like his mother. He wants to talk to Draco, maybe try to help him come to our side, but what
he doesn't understand is that Draco is in too deep. If Draco is to come to our side, it will be
with careful planning on mine and Albus' part, not on some mediocre plan from a bunch of
teenagers."

"You got to have at least some faith in him," Remus said, feeling as though Severus wasn't
giving Harry enough credit.

Severus shook his head, not listening to a word Remus just said. "He can really be a stubborn
brat sometimes! I bet you my best cauldron he bloody hates me now!"

"Severus…" Remus frowned.

Severus' gaze landed back on the photograph on the mantel and he sighed with frustration. "I
know Harry has the best intentions. I know that whatever plan he comes up with to help
Draco may have potential, but for once, I just wish he can leave these problems for me and
Albus to solve. I don't want him to feel responsible for anyone but himself. I want him to be
the child he never got the chance to be. I know he feels like I'm not listening, I know I'm not
giving him enough credit, but I just want what is best for him. I want him to be safe, and
going after Lucius Malfoy's son is not what you call a walk in the park. It's bad enough Harry
already has to worry about the Dark Lord, but to be responsible for Draco Malfoy's betrayal
to the dark side… I just can't let him fall into that…"

"You're doing the best you can, Severus, I know you are. You have to talk to Harry, tell him
what you'd just told me. Let him know that you're listening, that you don't want him in
danger." Remus hoped his advice was right.

After a few moments, Severus finally tore his gaze away from the mantel and looked at
Remus. He could see the stress and worry in the Potions Master's black eyes. He was touched
that Severus Snape, who hid behind his mask, had decided to let Remus see a bit of the
person he truly was. Remus could still remember a time where not even he could make out
who Severus was underneath that mask, but as their friendship began to form, pieces were
breaking off each day. There would come a time where Severus' mask would be completely
broken. There would come a time where Severus would be able to tell him everything that
was eating away at him inside, but for now, Remus accepted the pieces Severus was showing
him, because he knew one day the mask would be gone, and there would only be Severus.

So lost in his thoughts, Remus did not realize how long he was staring at him. He found
himself swimming in black ebony eyes, surprised that they were not cold dark tunnels, but
comforting and warm, like a summer's night sky.

The sound of the tea kettle rang through Remus' quarters, causing them to both look away.

Once the evening began to grow into night and after two cups of tea, did Severus finally get
up to return to his quarters. Remus walked him to the door with his cane, looking up to see a
scowling Severus who said, "Do you know Tonks has a crush on you?"
Remus chuckled, "I do not, what makes you say that?"

"She was the one who dropped Harry off at the school gates." Severus gently tugged a lock of
Remus' hair. It caused Remus' heart to leap out of his chest, and he forced himself not to
blush like an idiot.

"Her hair was an interesting shade of color today, and her patronus has changed to a wolf
form… Peculiar…yes?"

Remus laughed out loud. "That doesn't mean she might have a crush on me! There are loads
of men with hair color like mine, with wolf patronuses!"

Severus shrugged. "Just be careful with the witch. I still remember her as my student several
years ago, she was a walking disaster!"

Remus chuckled. "Am I sensing jealousy from you, Severus?"

"Severus Snape, jealous of that clumsy witch? I shall think not!" The Potions Master snarled
in disgust.

Remus chuckled again. "Well, Severus Snape, you have me fooled," he said, gently laying his
hand on Severus' arm. "Goodnight, my friend," he said.

Severus' eyes softened. "Goodnight, wolf, I wish you luck on your first day back tomorrow.
And don't forget your bloody cane. I thought Poppy was going to murder you in front of
everyone during the feast."

Remus mischievously smiled at Severus, who then turned around and opened the portrait
door. He watched Severus walk down the hallway with black robes billowing around him,
until he was one with the darkness of the hallways. Remus sighed and closed the portrait door
behind him, hoping that Severus' words of luck were not needed, that he won't be greeted by
angry letters from parents about his furry problem in tomorrow's post, and all of his lessons
would go as well as he was hoping and that the cane wouldn't be a bloody nuisance and
Harry…he would be in a better mood tomorrow.
 I Don't Trust You
Chapter Summary

Happy Sunday! Enjoy chapter 2! I can't wait to hear what you guys think of it! And
thanks for all the lovely reviews for chapter one. It made me super happy to see you
guys as excited as I was to finally start this story. Next update will hopefully be up next
weekend.

Chapter Two – I Don't Trust You

Darkness surrounded him.

It was the kind of darkness where he couldn't see anything, not even a beetle flying past his
nose. It made his fur stand on end. The wolf bared his teeth. It was so dark, he had no idea if
his eyes were open or closed.

The wolf raised up his nose, taking in the scents, but all he could smell was fear. The scent
overwhelmed him. It seeped into his skin, clung onto his fur. It was all he could sense, all he
could feel. It rooted the wolf to the ground. With his legs shaking and his tail between his
legs, the wolf whined. He'd never felt such fear. He'd never given into fear. He was what prey
feared. He did not know what to do with this new emotion. The wolf's body shook. With his
ears flat against his head, he let out another soft whine, hoping someone would hear him and
pull him out of this strange darkness.

"Don't be afraid, little wolfie," a voice whispered in his ear.

The wolf turned his head, trying to find the source of the voice. It was too dark to see
anything, too dark to feel anything.

"Just open your eyes… I promise, it will only hurt a little."

The wolf whined again, his body shaking harder. Cold fear traveled through his body. This
voice promised pain. He did not want to hurt anymore. He was tired of this cruel existence, a
never-ending cycle of pain and fear. He wanted peace, but something as pure, simple and
innocent as that was not deserved. This voice only gave him the opposite, it made him believe
that darkness, fear and pain was what a wretched creature like him should only expect.

The wolf stood there for hours, trembling, braced for pain. Braced for the cruel voice to make
him believe how wretched a creature he was. And then something in him made him open his
eyes and look up. The wolf had no idea what compelled him to do it, to raise his head out of
the darkness, to embrace the fear as if someone else were with him, whispering words of love
and encouragement. He could almost feel soft hands petting him through his fur. When he
opened his amber eyes, he saw something that almost made him cry out in longing. A white
twinkling star. He couldn't remember its given name, only that it was known as the dog star.

It was twinkling so unusually bright, giving him a path of light. The wolf could see it through
a small window above his head, and right next to it was the glowing white full-moon. Its
power radiating, calling him, promising the call of the wild to him. Howls echoed in his head,
bringing forth an instinct to run and chase and hunt. The sounds of his pack began to wash
away his fear. This had once meant something to him, but he couldn't remember why. The
memory would not come to him. It was lost in the trundles of darkness that wove around
every inch of his body, seeping into his heart, taking hold of him.

"About time you've stopped dreaming," the voice growled again in his ear, and with that, the
light vanished. The darkness engulfed the wolf. He turned his head and his amber eyes
connected to icy-blue eyes that had a red tint to them.

The wolf looked directly at those cold eyes, unable to look away. Fear like he had never
known swept through him once more.

"You killed me," she whispered. "You're nothing but a monster. You killed me! You killed
children! You killed ME! You promised! You need to be punished!" she hissed, her blue eyes
still connected to his own.

It was an accident! The wolf thought. He tried to say those words, but they couldn't come out.
They were stuck in his throat. All that came out was a whimper, followed by a low whine.
Shame washed over him.

"You killed me!" the voice hissed again, and this time the light of the moon shone on the
owner of the icy-blue eyes and cold voice. And he could see the pale face of a young girl with
auburn hair.

"You promised, Remus, you promised to take me with you!"

I'm sorry! I tried!

The wolf tried to run, but his paws were glued to the ground. Blood began to drip onto her
face. Her blue eyes were so pale, he could barely see her irises.

The wolf struggled some more, fought with everything he had, and then out of the terrifying
darkness, came a name that made his heart constrict in pain. A name that made his chest feel
so heavy and tight, he could hardly hold himself up. The darkness released a bit of its hold on
the wolf, giving him a memory of a young girl. The memory flashed through his mind, quick
and painful. A vibrant young girl full of determination, bravery and suffering. Then followed
by the scents of blood and death, screams full of fear as they changed into the howls of a
young she-wolf.

And the wolf knew she was right.

He did not deserve anything but punishment, because what he'd done was unforgivable. He
was responsible for her death. He had killed her and he could barely remember her name!
The wolf bowed his head in submission and regret, waiting for his deserved punishment.

"I'm sorry..." The wolf tried to say. "Kaylie… I'm…"

Suddenly, there was a loud howl, a howl he'd never heard before. The silhouette of another
wolf was the last thing the wolf saw before closing his eyes tight, bracing himself for pain.
Suddenly, the trundles began to release him, slithering back into the shadows. The girl
growled and faded away.

Wake up!

The wolf snapped opened his eyes.

Remus found himself drenched in sweat. His blankets and sheets were twisted around him.
He could barely make out his room in the grey morning. Fear and guilt made his beating
heart ache. He wondered if it were possible to start taking Dreamless Sleep Potions, because
going to bed drunk on wine clearly hadn't stopped the nightmares. He couldn't go on like this.
The nightmares were growing worse each night and he was losing sleep. Anxiety began to fill
his entire body and he couldn't stop shaking. That girl was still on his mind. Even though in
the dream he could barely remember her name, he remembered it clearly now. The name left
a bitter taste in his mouth.

Kaylie… And she's right….

It was his fault she lost her life. He killed her. Remus did not deserve to live while that young
girl was buried underneath the ground. He felt like the monster she had claimed him to be in
his dream. Remus had promised her and he had failed her. And he failed Jonathan Porter.
Remus hated feeling so low of himself, but how could he not? When every night he relived
his darkest memories.

Every night Remus was reminded of Greyback, reminded of Kaylie's death. It was hard to
forget, especially when the brand of Werewolf: Classified Dark Creature was burned into his
skin forever. How could he move on? How could he forget and live and be happy? And he
was falling, falling so far down that Remus was sure no one would be able to pull him back
up.

Remus closed his eyes and stayed in bed for a few moments more, trying to find the will to
get up. He had to start the day, but how could he teach his students? Knowing deep down
inside that he was a monster, that he'd killed children their own age. What would they even
think of him if they knew?

Remus snuggled deeper into his blankets, trying to push all the fear of his nightmares away,
trying to push his anxiety and pain away. Trying not to give into his sudden desire to
suddenly just get up and pick up a half-empty wine bottle that he knew was still sitting on his
coffee table. The only thing that could numb everything, so Remus couldn't feel anymore. He
had left it there last night, after Severus had left his quarters. He was afraid to fall asleep last
night, the only solution he could think of. The darkness that was creeping into him, settling
around his heart, it was so heavy, he wasn't sure if he was strong enough to carry it through
the day.
Remus ran his hands over his face with a deep sigh. He had to stop thinking like that, he had
to for his students and for Harry. They were all counting on him. And so, Remus forced
himself out of bed and into the shower. When he left his quarters, he didn't dare chance a
glance at the wine bottle.

An hour or so later, Remus found himself at the Great Hall for breakfast. His cane was
propped up against the table. He had only brought it to keep Poppy and Severus off his back
about it. He was nursing a cup of strong hot coffee mixed with cream and sugar, hoping it
would take away his anxiety and up his mood a bit. Remus was feeling sleep deprived and
depressed from his nightmare. So lost in his thoughts, Remus did not notice Severus' arrival
until the dark-haired wizard in his black flowing robes sat next to him and poured himself a
cup of coffee as well, taking it black. His dark eyes spotted the cane with silent approval.

"Is it wise to sit so close to me in front of your Slytherins?" Remus asked in a very low
murmur, still looking down at his coffee, keeping his eyes averted. He didn't want Severus to
see the bags under his eyes or the haunted look in them. He did not want the Potions Master
to worry about him.

"Let them see," Severus shrugged. "We are merely two professors of this school sitting
alongside each other during breakfast, discussing lesson plans and nasty term papers."

Remus took another sip of his coffee, not feeling up to chuckling at Severus' small and rare
joke.

Severus waited for a reaction with a furrowed brow of concern, when Remus didn't say
anything more, Severus began to pile some eggs onto his plate. "You look like you've had
better mornings, Lupin," he only commented.

Remus could feel Severus' eyes scanning over him, taking in the deep bags under his eyes,
his pale face, and he could probably feel Remus' low spirit. Severus was intuitive, always
able to read people's energies, Remus was sure he was picking it all up from him… Noticing
the untouched plate of eggs and toast in front of him. Thinking about food was making
Remus feel sick. He just needed coffee.

Remus only sighed and sipped his coffee, thankfully catching sight of Harry arriving at the
Great Hall. His cub looked like he was in a foul mood with his two best friends, Ron and
Hermione. They were arguing on each side of him. That reminded Remus of how Sirius and
James used to argue with him like that in the middle.

"Harry doesn't seem happy…" Remus commented, hoping his observation would distract
Severus from asking him if he was okay… Remus wasn't sure how he would even be able to
answer that. It was the last thing he needed… To lie and say he was okay when in truth he
was just falling and falling and falling under the heaviness of his heart.
Severus scowled, glancing at his son before drinking his coffee. "Well, he better change that
attitude. I will not have him acting like a brat in my class today."

"You cannot let this argument come between you and Harry, Severus. You should talk to
him."

"And what do you suggest?" Severus slammed down his mug in irritation. "I tried talking to
him. He is just so stubborn like his mother! I used to believe that child was completely like
his father, I was wrong! Sometimes he acts like a carbon copy of Lily Evans!"

"And isn't that a good thing? You grew up with Lily, you knew her way before I or my
friends did. You were used to her stubbornness. I'm certain you can handle her son's
stubbornness as well."

"It's much more complicated than that, Remus. I know I compare Harry a lot to his parents.
He may seem exactly like his mother, but he is also his own person. If it were Lily in this
situation, she might've listened to me, unlike Harry… I know he can't trust adults. He can't
trust Dumbledore to handle this situation."

"Still, try to talk to him. Harry needs to know if he can't trust Dumbledore, then he can trust
you."

Severus' demeanor seemed to deflate at Remus' advice. "That's the problem…" he sighed.
"Harry says he does, but deep down…I don't think he…" Severus trailed off, then downed the
rest of his coffee, then said in a harsher tone, "If Harry really trusted me, then he wouldn't be
so angry at me right now!" Severus stood up. "I have to leave, I have potions that are
simmering."

Remus only nodded. He wasn't in the mood to make Severus stay to talk some more. He was
glad the Potions Master was leaving, in fact. Remus really just wanted to be left alone to get
his thoughts together before class.

He sipped his coffee, noticing Severus still lingering, frowning down at him.

"Don't think I don't know what you're trying to do, Remus..." he whispered.

Remus blushed, knowing what Severus meant behind those words.

"You look really tired," Severus murmured so softly, that only a person with werewolf
hearing could pick up.

Remus averted his eyes away. He wanted to tell Severus about his nightmares, he wanted to
take down his mental barriers and let him in. He wanted to show Severus how much of a
mess he was inside. He so much wanted to tell him, but he couldn't.

Remus thought about the kisses they had shared, the spark he was quite sure he'd felt, and he
knew he couldn't deny his feelings for Severus forever. But how could he open up to
someone, perhaps even fall in love with someone, when Remus could barely look at himself?
He was a mess, and Severus deserved better. Remus knew in his heart he wasn't ready,
especially not after the disastrous ending of he and Sirius.

"Remus?"

Remus kept his eyes on his coffee. He just couldn't look at Severus and pretend he was okay.
He was falling… It was so heavy… The darkness….

"Have tea with me tonight?"

He should say no. Remus knew he should push Severus away. It wasn't safe to start anything
right now. Remus was too broken, too dangerous. It wouldn't be right, yet he couldn't shut out
the tiny voice in his head: But what if you said yes, what if you did let him in? And his heart
leaped at the thought of saying yes and having tea with Severus, to be alone in his company
for a few hours.

And that's all it could be, nothing else, Remus bargained with himself.

Remus slowly met Severus' warm gaze and he couldn't help but nod once at the invitation,
despite the tirade of reasons why he should say no going on in his head.

Severus' gaze was so intense, causing Remus to blush again. And now Remus knew Severus
had sensed his negative energy this morning. Remus was sure he could see the depression in
his eyes. He could tell Severus wanted to say something, but was holding back since it was
too risky in the Great Hall.

The warm intensity of those dark eyes suddenly stopped Remus from feeling like he was
falling from the heavy weight in his heart. It anchored him for just a moment, it lifted the
heaviness just an inch, allowing Remus to finally be able to breathe. And he found himself
suddenly wanting Severus to stay, he wanted to continue feeling that warmth, that spark
between them, but he couldn't say anything to make Severus stay.

He just sat there, hating the coward he was, staring down at his coffee as Severus walked
away, taking all the warmth with him… And then Remus was falling once more…suffocating
under the heavy darkness….

Harry's day could not have started off any worse than it already had. He was hurt and upset
that Ron and Hermione didn't believe him about Draco. They were doubtful and did not seem
to care enough that Draco might be a Death Eater. Voldemort had his hold on the Slytherin,
pulling him deeper into the dark arts and Harry knew the evidence was on Draco's forearm.

Ron and Hermione both agreed that if Harry were right, then it just meant Draco getting what
he wanted. Harry couldn't agree with them. He knew Draco... Draco wanted to play Quidditch
professionally after Hogwarts or become a healer. He wanted nothing to do with the dark arts.

Harry thought Ron and Hermione had gotten over their anger towards Draco. Yeah, he knew
the Slytherin had been shitty to them in the past, but he'd changed. Draco wasn't like that
anymore. It was never the real Draco. Harry knew the real Draco deep down inside, hiding
behind that prickly interior of a mask. He was just a kid like Harry, screaming for help,
surrounded by people who couldn't understand him and the situation he was trapped in. It was
something Harry had gone through himself after Sirius died, and if it wasn't for Severus to
pull him out, Harry had no idea what would've happened to him at the Dursleys.

And speaking of Severus, Harry was still mad at him. The Potions Professor refused to listen
to him last night, treating him like a child. It was so frustrating. He was dreading the evening
when the time came for the talk Severus had promised him.

"Harry?"

Harry turned his head to the voice calling his name, his mind still cloudy with his thoughts.

"Isn't it risky to have Lupin come back to Hogwarts?" Hermione huffed in annoyance.

Harry looked at Ron. What is she on about this time? he thought, as Ron caught his eye,
sighing in exasperation.

"I'm just saying, everyone, parents, the Ministry, school board officials, all know that Remus
is a werewolf. I wonder how Dumbledore was able to pull this off. Any little complaint
against Remus and the school board can make Dumbledore fire him. Anything can go
wrong."

"Ahhh, Hermione, you worry too much. I'm sure Dumbledore has gotten everything taken
care of. He won't let Lupin get chucked out of Hogwarts!" Ron said.

"Yes, but you're not seeing the bigger picture here, Ronald!" Hermione stepped in front of
them, so they were both forced to stop in their tracks.

"Professor Dumbledore might be able to handle the angry responses from parents, but it won't
stop them from pulling their kids out of school. He doesn't have full power over Hogwarts. If
the parents and school board want him out, then he is out! Werewolves are not taken lightly.
It's only a matter of time before someone starts to say something about Remus being too
close to teenagers. And especially after what happened to him this summer, he is still in
danger from Death Eaters, werewolves and You-Know-Who. He needs to lay low, the
Prophet is no doubt going to be all over this as soon as word gets out that Remus is teaching
again. Professor Dumbledore won't be able to protect him from that, and one more thing!"
she said, stopping Ron from interrupting her during her tirade.

"Think about it, guys, Remus has the Dark Arts post again. Last I heard, that teaching post is
still cursed, which means…"

"He'll only be here for one year…" Harry realized. It dawned on him that something terrible
was going to happen at the end of the year to make Remus leave, just like in his third year,
and his heart felt heavy at the thought. Remus belonged here. Teaching was his element, and
it wasn't fair that Remus might be out of a job at the end of the school year because of this
bloody curse.
"I would bet on anything that something is going to happen to make Remus leave again,"
Harry finished, finally understanding why Hermione was so worried. He looked at Ron who
realized it too. His ears were red with worry for their favorite teacher.

"Blimey, Harry," Ron said. "Lupin has taken the post before. He's the only one who has ever
come back… Maybe he broke the curse? I mean, no one's ever come back."

Harry shook his head feeling worried and helpless. He knew nothing he could ever say to
Dumbledore, Severus or even Remus, would convince Remus to resign. It wouldn't change
anything, and there was no going back. They just had to watch out for their favorite teacher
so he wouldn't fall victim to the curse again.

Defense Against the Dark Arts was always Harry's favorite class, and a lesson with Remus
Lupin as the professor was always so fun and brilliant. Remus was a natural teacher. A
teacher who loved his subject and cared deeply for his students. He'd definitely forgotten how
great Remus' classes were.

Remus had ended the lesson and the three Gryffindors, along with their classmates, were
packing up their things, getting ready to go to their next lesson of the day. For Harry, Ron and
Hermione, it was Potions. Harry's stomach was a jumble of nerves. Severus was acting so
much like his old self last night. Would he regain the role during class again? Harry couldn't
stand Severus acting like that again to him, as if nothing ever happened. He knew it was
supposed to be an act, but it was just so real, it brought back too many past emotions… Not
to mention the argument they'd gotten into.

"Harry, may I speak with you for a moment?"

Harry looked up to see Remus standing in front of his desk. Harry hadn’t noticed Remus
approaching him. He was using his cane to lean on, during class Remus had left it leaning on
his desk, but now that the lesson was over, Harry guessed his injury was really bothering him
now.

"We'll wait for you outside, Harry," Hermione said. Remus nodded his thanks to her, and they
silently watched Harry's friends leave the classroom along with the last of the students.

"Will it take long? I have Potions next," Harry said.

"It won't take long. I certainly won't make you late to Severus' first Potions class of the
school term." The werewolf gave him a small smile, a mischievous gleam in his hazel eyes
that Harry hadn't seen since Sirius died.

"Yeah, you wouldn't want to be the subject of his murderous glare," Harry mocked.

"No, I wouldn't fancy that," Remus chuckled. "I just wanted to ask you if you were okay. I've
noticed you haven't been in the best of moods lately."
Harry shrugged, not liking where this conversation was going. Remembering how Remus
tried speaking to him last night, and how Harry was too triggered to speak to him from the
argument Harry had with Severus and the Slytherins making fun of him for Draco punching
him in the nose.

"Everything is fine," Harry mumbled.

Harry didn't want to talk about his argument with Severus last night. It hurt too much to think
that Severus couldn't listen to him, treating him like a child. It was unfair! He so much
wanted to help Draco. Then he realized, if Severus couldn't listen, then maybe Remus would.
He decided to ask the werewolf, hope filling his chest at the thought of Remus helping him.

Harry looked up at the werewolf, who waited patiently for Harry to confide in him.

"It's Draco… Severus won't listen to me. I think he's in danger. I think Voldemort might have
recruited him as a Death Eater. I told Severus that we must help him get away from
Voldemort and his family, but Severus wants to just leave things to Dumbledore. I don't trust
Dumbledore is going to do anything. Draco needs help right now! I can see it in Draco, he is
stressed and miserable, he needs our help! And, Severus won't listen!"

Remus frowned, deep in thought as he considered Harry's words. He suddenly looked to

Harry older than his years, his hair with graying stands and dark circles under his eyes. Harry
noticed how his robes hung onto his shoulders. And he realized how tired the werewolf
looked, instantly feeling bad for burdening Remus with his worries for Draco. Maybe he was
wrong to think Remus could help him with Draco.

"Harry…" Remus sighed, and Harry knew exactly what his answer was going to be. He
noticed how friendly Remus and Severus were suddenly becoming towards each other. Harry
could bet his Firebolt Severus had already talked to Remus about it, winning the werewolf's
side before Harry even had a chance.

That slimy git!

"You're on his side! Aren't you?!" Harry shouted, stepping away in disgust, anger and
betrayal.

"No, Harry, I'm taking no one's side! Listen, I understand why you might suspect Draco is a
Death Eater, this is a delicate situation. You must leave this to Dumbledore. I'm sure Severus
has not taken your words as lightly as you think. You must trust them!"

Trust them? As in trusting adults? Like how I was supposed to trust the Dursleys? No way!
Harry thought in disgust. This is bloody ridiculous! Does anyone in this school even care?!

"We can't just let him suffer!" Harry shouted, he was beyond frustrated. Thankfully they were
alone in the classroom. "He is trapped with them!"

"Severus is watching Draco, there is no need to act dramatically, Harry. Severus is doing the
best he can and so is Dumbledore. Trust them! I won't say it again!" Remus growled, his eyes
flashing.
Harry scowled in disgust. "I don't know why I even bothered!" He threw his back-pack over
his shoulder.

"Harry!"

Harry ignored Remus, storming out of the classroom with anger filling his chest. Why
wouldn't anyone listen? He had no one else to confide in…but fine… If they weren't going to
listen then Harry would have to find Draco himself and talk to him. He wasn't going to let
Draco go until he forced the truth out of him. Even though they were forced to pretend to be
enemies, it did not mean they really had to be. Draco was still his friend, even if he had
broken his nose unnecessarily on the train yesterday. Harry still wasn't going to let Draco fall
into darkness.

It wasn't until Potions class did Harry finally see Draco. He hadn't shown up for breakfast or
Defense or History of Magic. The blonde Slytherin looked pale and stressed with dark bags
under his eyes. His hair was mused up as if he'd been running his hands through it all
morning. That was all the proof Harry needed that something was indeed wrong.

Harry decided to try and get him alone after class. It wasn't wise to try and talk to Draco with
Severus breathing down his neck, so he opened his Potions book and began to follow the
instructions on how to brew a Draught of Living Death Potion.

It was then that he noticed the cramped handwriting in the margins. Some of the book's
instructions were crossed out, and advice was given instead on how to brew. Harry wondered
what student might have done this to his book, then instantly remembered why his newly
bought textbook had writing all over it. This was not his textbook, this was the Potions book
he found in Severus' classroom. He took it because he wanted to find out who the Half-Blood
Prince was. However, he hadn't meant to take this book to class with him, grabbing it instead
of his own by accident in his haste to talk to Ron and Hermione about Draco this morning.

Harry studied the instructions once more, wondering if he should just follow the book's or the
owner of the crammed and spiky handwriting that looked oddly familiar, yet he couldn't
figure out why.

Deciding it couldn't hurt to follow the mysterious writing, since half the book's instructions
were unreadable anyway, Harry began to follow the written instructions, praying his potion
would turn out okay and not explode.

The potion turned out to be very difficult. Hermione was having a hard time, her hair getting
frizzier each minute. Ron's potion was a dark, murky color as he stirred, trying to make it
right. Harry looked around to see Draco working on his potions with Severus suggesting
advice to him. The Potions Master looked up and caught Harry's eye, before making his way
towards him. Harry swiftly pushed Ron's book on top of his own, hiding the Half-Blood
Prince's book. He was sure Severus wouldn't approve of it.
"That vile liquid you call a potion is unsalvageable, Weasley!"

The professor waved his wand over Ron's cauldron, emptying it of its failed contents. Ron's
ears grew red as he held in all his insults at the Potions Master. Ernie Macmillan's potion
looked way worse than Ron's! Severus glanced at Hermione's potion and smirked at the dark
color, not even bothering to help her. Harry scowled, he hated it when Severus treated his
friends like crap.

Harry braced himself as Severus studied his potion with a furrowed brow, observing the color
that was turning a pale lilac shade. He didn't look at Harry as he muttered with confusion in
his voice, "See me after class…" And he moved on to the next table.

Harry let out a deep breath, still feeling Severus' suspicious glare at the back of his neck as he
continued stirring, and Hermione's own suspicious look. Of course, she noticed Harry's
potion coming out remarkably well, and the fact that he hid his textbook from Severus.

Tired of Hermione's glare, Harry finished up his potion, and said, "Yes, Hermione?"

"How did you get your potion that color? How are you doing it? Professor Snape didn't even
criticize you!"

"I guess I just got lucky," Harry shrugged.

"I don't believe that! Let me see your book," she whispered furiously, adding a few more
ingredients and stirring carefully, trying in vain to get her potion the exact same shade as
Harry's.

The bell rang. Harry was relieved. Making sure no one was watching, he shrunk the Half-
Blood Prince's book and hid it in his bag. "Ron, can I borrow your Potions book?"

"Sure, mate," Ron shrugged, not really paying attention as he cursed out Severus to Hermione
and Ernie Macmillan.

He could still feel Hermione seething with anger as he made his way to Severus' desk as the
rest of the students filed out of the classroom. Whatever Severus wanted, this better be quick.
He hoped to catch up to Draco after class.

"Those extra lessons during the summer helped wonders, I see. Your skills have improved
immensely in such a short amount of time… Some would probably agree with me that your
perfect brew should be quite impossible, extra lessons or not…" Severus drawled, as he
examined the phials of the students' potions. Harry's was the only one that had the pale lilac
color.

"Is that all you wanted to say?" Harry asked, he really had to go.

Severus put the phial down, his eyes traveling briefly to Ron's textbook Harry was holding in
his hand.

"Despite our argument yesterday, I just wanted to say that I'm here if you need anything. Just
because we argue doesn't mean I don't love you any less."
Harry nodded.

"Is there anything you want to tell me?"

Harry looked at him, wondering if he knew about the Half-Blood Prince's book. Harry
wondered if he should tell him about it, maybe Severus could help him find out who it was,
but something in him told him that maybe it wasn't a good idea. Harry had no idea why, but
he wanted to keep the Half-Blood Prince a secret for now.

"Answer me, Potter."

"No, sir, I have nothing to say," Harry said.

Severus considered Harry for a moment, before saying, "I want to remind you to come to our
quarters tonight after dinner. We must discuss what happened last night."

"Yes, sir," Harry replied, only so that Severus would dismiss him. He really needed to find
Draco. He didn't want to hear what Severus had to say at the moment. He was still angry at
him and hurt that Severus wouldn't help him with Draco or even listen.

"If you have nothing to say, then you're dismissed," Severus said, his attention going back to
the phials of failed potions.

Harry left the dungeons before Severus could call him back.

Since Potions was the last lesson for the day, instead of going back to Gryffindor tower,
Harry hid in a small alcove near the Slytherin dungeon, waiting for Draco to appear. As he
waited, he examined the Half-Blood Prince's Advanced Potion-Making book. The
handwriting itself was strange, yet familiar. He flipped it to the front cover page, and in the
small cramped handwriting, it read property of the Half-Blood Prince.

Who is the Half-Blood Prince? Can this person be anyone I might know?

The writing was just so familiar. He racked his brain, trying to remember where he'd seen it.

It wasn't long until Harry heard Draco's voice. He quickly put the book away, then peeked out
of the alcove, catching a glimpse of Draco walking down the hall with his usual group of
Slytherins by his side.

Shit! He isn't alone!

Harry never thought about the possibility of Draco not being alone. He had no plan on how to
get his attention, and so he watched with disappointment, as Draco disappeared behind the
portrait. He thought about waiting some more, but realized that could take hours before
Draco came out for dinner. And he would still be with his group of friends. He would have to
find another way to catch him alone, so with a heavy heart full of disappointment, Harry
made his way back to Gryffindor tower.

.
.

That evening, before dinner, was spent doing homework. Harry couldn't understand how he
got a pile of homework on their first day, and was trying not to get distracted by Ginny who
was doing her own homework a few tables away with a group of fifth years. Every now and
then they would make eye-contact, then look away, both blushing.

And just when Harry was summoning up the courage to just join Ginny at her table, he was
interrupted… "Harry, I have a note for you!" Harry looked up to see Jack Sloper coming
towards him handing him a roll of parchment.

Curious, Harry took it, and when Sloper left, he opened the note. He was greeted with slant
handwriting that was no other than Dumbledore's, telling him to come to his office on
Saturday at 8:00pm and that he enjoys acid pops. Harry wondered what this was about, and if
Severus knew anything about it. Then he remembered he was still angry at him.

"Dumbledore wants me to see him on Saturday at eight," Harry said to Ron and Hermione.
His two friends both looked over his shoulder, discussing the possibilities of what was
waiting in store for Harry.

After dinner, Harry found himself walking to Severus' quarters, wishing he was at Gryffindor
tower. He really did not want to have this conversation with his dad. What was said, was said,
and no talk was going to change it. Severus already made it clear that he was leaving the
Draco problem up to Dumbledore. Harry decided on Saturday he was going to ask
Dumbledore what his plans were for helping Draco. He was not going to let his friend
become a Death Eater.

Once he got there, Harry knocked on the portrait door, mentally bracing himself and trying to
calm his nervous stomach.

The portrait door opened, Harry stepped inside to see Severus brewing some hot tea in the
kitchen. Seeing that brought Harry back to the summer, where everything was easy and okay
between them, before this one argument tore them apart again. He hated fighting with
Severus. He missed his dad. He so much wanted to tell him about his first day at Hogwarts,
about his mysterious Potions book, his argument with Remus, and how worried he was about
the DADA curse. He wanted to tell him everything, but the hurt in him kept him from doing
just that. It left him cold, angry and closed up as he stood in the living room, waiting for
Severus to invite him to sit down.

"You can make yourself comfortable, Harry, this is still your home no matter how angry you
are with me."

Harry rolled his eyes as he chose his favorite spot on the sofa.

Severus handed him a hot cup of steaming tea before sitting down in his armchair.
"Before we get into things, do you want to tell me how your first day went?"

Harry shook his head, still sulking about last night's argument. He wasn't going to pretend
like nothing happened, like they weren't in the middle of an argument.

"Harry…"

"I have nothing to say to you!" he said, feeling beyond irritated, it made him say things he did
not mean.

"Stop being disrespectful!" Severus snapped.

Harry glared at the Potions Master. "Fine! I'll keep my mouth shut, then!"

Severus ran a hand through his hair, looking as if he was trying very hard to be patient.
"Bloody teenager," he muttered as he drank some of his tea.

"Look, Harry, I don't want to argue with you anymore. I want you to understand that I have
taken your accusations of Draco being a Death Eater into account. Professor Dumbledore has
me watching him. I will let you know if anything happens to him."

"So, you're just going to watch him?" Harry said. "Let him be a sitting duck for Voldemort
and his Death Eaters? We have to talk to him!"

"No, we cannot. We must not let him know what you are accusing him of. Dumbledore has a
plan, and you must trust him, if not, then trust me!"

Harry did not say anything. That was where the problem was. He couldn't trust adults yet. He
couldn't fully trust Severus as much as he wanted to… Not with this, not with something this
important, not when Draco's life was on the line.

"I can't trust you…" Harry whispered before he could stop himself. Now, Severus knew
Harry had lied to him about trusting him at the beach….

It was quiet, so quiet, Harry couldn't stand it. He kept his gaze on his shoes, ashamed to look
at Severus. He had not meant for those words to come out. But they did and they were heard,
and now Severus was most likely hurt by them.

"I understand your anger. I know you're worried for Draco, I understand why you cannot
fully trust me right now…"

Harry shook his head, "I'm sorry... I don't want to fight anymore," he said, feeling bad for
what he said, for how disrespectful he'd been acting towards Severus.

"Harry..."

Harry shook his head, he wanted so much to turn to Severus and confide in him, but he
couldn't. He was afraid. He couldn't fully trust him still even after everything they've been
through this summer. It was something that Harry would always struggle with, thanks to his
aunt and uncle who raised him with only fear and pain.
"I will handle this situation with Draco."

"But why did you treat me like a child last night? You wouldn't listen to me!"

"I just… I apologize. My excuse is that I'm tired of seeing you hurt, seeing you get into these
unnecessary, dangerous situations. I wanted to protect you. I want you to stay a teenager a
little longer. That is why I brushed you away last night, and I deeply apologize. I hope you
learn to trust me one day. Remember everything that I say or do is in your best interest, even
if it seems like it isn't. Remember you are my son now, we are family, and I love you very
much. Even when it seems like everything is falling apart, remember that, please, trust me."

Harry nodded, wondering why Severus' words sounded as if he were foreshadowing

something, but Harry decided not to ask. Maybe it meant nothing.

"Are we ok, now?"

Harry looked at his newly adoptive father. He could see that Severus was holding back. What
was he hiding? This was why he couldn't fully trust him. Severus still had secrets. Despite
him being his new dad, despite his words, Harry still couldn't fully trust him. If Severus was
going to hold secrets, then so be it. Harry was going to keep secrets too. Out of spite, he
decided to keep the Half-Blood Prince a secret and he decided to not tell Severus about
Dumbledore's note or even his own plan to talk to Draco.

"I'll try..." His heart hurt for lying. He felt so bad, but Severus was the one who started it. "I
know I've been acting like a git lately… I'm just scared for Draco."

"Don't be afraid, he is my godson. I won't let him fall," Severus said softly.

"You should adopt him," Harry said, "He can come home with us for the holidays, that way
he can be away from Voldemort and be safe with us."

"That isn't as easy as it sounds, Narcissa will never allow it."

"She will if it protects her only son!"

Severus looked as if he were going to argue, but decided to take into consideration what
Harry was saying. "I'll talk to her. Maybe she might let him stay with us during the holidays
to keep him safe."

Harry smiled a bit. "That makes me feel better."

"Just don't say anything to anyone yet. We don't know what's going to happen. I promise you,
I am keeping an eye out for Draco."

"Okay…"

"One more thing, Harry."

"Yes?"
"You're having issues with my acting? You don't like it when I pretend I still hate you?"

Harry nodded. "It's too hard. It messes with my emotions. Can we figure something else
out?"

"What do you suggest?"

"How about you give me a safe word, letting me know that you're just acting, that you don't
really mean anything you're saying? I know it sounds childish, but it reminds me too much of
my uncle and when you used to hate me. It traps me in the past. I need a que to remind me
that it isn't real anymore," Harry shrugged, his cheeks burning with embarrassment.

"Don't be ashamed, Harry, I understand perfectly."

"You do?" Harry looked at him in surprise, his anger at his dad seeping away. He really did
miss talking to him.

Severus nodded. "Any suggestions?"

Harry shrugged. "A wink, maybe?"

"I can do that."

Harry shrugged, still feeling embarrassed for acting like a scared child.

Severus leant over to him. "Hey, look at me, kid."

Harry slowly looked up at his guardian, his emotions turning from anger and hurt, to guilty
and sad. He was so tired, he just wanted to go to bed.

"I'm tired, Sev, can we finish this talk up later? I'm not mad at you anymore, okay? I just
want to go to bed."

Severus looked as if he wanted to say more, but held back. Harry wished Severus hadn't.
Despite his spiteful anger, a small part of Harry still wanted to confide in him about his plan
to talk to Draco and about the Half-Blood Prince, he just needed Severus to push him to do it.

"If that is your wish, we can continue tomorrow," Severus answered. "You should be getting
to bed, you have lessons tomorrow."

Harry stood up and Severus followed him to the portrait door.

"Hey, give me a hug, kid," Severus said.

Harry hugged his dad goodnight.

There was so much more he wanted to say to him, but he couldn't open up. There was so
much that Severus was holding back. Harry could see it in him. How did this happen? The
last day of summer break was so fun as they bonded. It was full of promises and excitement
for the future, and now there was a rift between them, keeping them apart with unspoken
words and mistrust.

That sense Harry had of Severus hiding something from him was growing stronger and he
couldn't shake it off. Harry left Severus' quarters, almost wishing that he had asked to spend
the night in his bedroom, but it just seemed so childish that he resolutely made his way to
Gryffindor tower, his mind racing on this evening's talk and his heart aching for the summer
that passed and the guilt he had for lying about his trust to his dad.
 Not All Hope Is Lost
Chapter Summary

It's a bit later than I planned, but please enjoy my new chapter! Next post will be on
Sunday!

Chapter Three – Not all Hope is Lost

As soon as Harry left his quarters, Severus helped himself to another cup of strong black tea,
not adding any cream or sugar, just the way he liked it. He sat at the kitchen table, feeling a
bit numb from the conversation he just had with Harry.

So much was said, yet so little was revealed. And Severus asked himself for the millionth
time, how in one night, he and Harry were suddenly separated by a chasm of secrets and hurt
feelings. Severus could see how little Harry was revealing, how much he was hiding, and he
was sure that Harry could see that in Severus as well.

Severus thought Harry's theories on Draco bearing the dark mark carried potential but
Severus didn't want to encourage him. He wanted Harry to just stay away from Draco.
Severus and Albus had this situation handled, a situation too delicate for a teenage boy and
his friends to try and deal with on their own. Severus knew he was right to turn Harry away,
but he just wished his son could understand why, could just trust Severus and Albus on it, but
that was where the problem lay… Harry couldn't trust adults.

Severus recalled the last day of summer before term started, the words of trust that Harry had
told him on the beach… And with a sinking heart, Severus realized he was a fool to believe
Harry. A fool to believe that he had moved on from his past a bit to try and trust the adults in
his life, because Severus realized that after what happened tonight, no matter how much
Harry wanted to trust adults, he just couldn't.

The conversation they'd just shared, of Harry revealing his mistrust to Severus. It revealed the
consequences of the Dursleys abuse and neglect towards Harry, affecting that child to the
core, to the point where all trust was broken and Severus had a strong feeling that that was
the reason to why Harry blew up when Severus told him to trust him and Albus, to leave it to
the adults, because deep down, no matter how much Harry wanted to, he couldn't, at least not
yet.

Thinking about all of that, Severus realized it explained all of the dangerous situations Harry
had gotten himself into during his past few years at Hogwarts. Going after the philosopher's
stone by himself with only his two friends to help him, going inside the chamber of secrets
with only an incompetent teacher to rely on instead of going for actual help with an adult
who was way more capable, and going to the Ministry to save Sirius Black with also only his
friends. In every situation, it was the same pattern… Instead of going to adults, Harry only
trusted his friends and threw himself and them into danger.

Severus took a deep sigh and sipped at his tea. Harry just wasn't ready to fully trust him yet,
and he felt the ache of it in his heart and in his gut. Why didn't Severus see it that day on the
beach? Why did he accept Harry's answer so easily?

"I know… And it's something we have to continue working on together. You know it's going to
take time, and it's not going to be easy… We just need to be persistent about it. We will get
through this, do you trust me, Harry?"

"I… I trust you…" Harry choked out.

And looking back at that conversation, Severus realized the hesitation and the forcefulness of
Harry's answer. He was lying. He was lying and Severus ignored all of the signs. Clearly,
after all this time, Severus still had no idea what he was doing when it came to looking after a
traumatized and abused teenager.

Maybe, it's time to change that...

Severus continued sipping his tea with caution from the heat, blowing the hot steam away,
deep in thought with his stress quickly turning into anxiety about the whole terrible situation.
His heart was feeling as if cold dark hands were wrapping their spindly fingers around it,
squeezing it, piercing it with their sharp claws. Never letting go…tighter and tighter…until
his heart couldn't perform its normal rhythmic beating. And suddenly his chest felt tight, like
the hands were now wrapping themselves around his lungs and he couldn't breathe.

Severus put down the mug and placed his elbows on the table, laying his face in his hands,
rubbing at his eyes, trying to breathe. Trying not to let his anxiety get the best of him and
remain calm.

He thought of the best way to improve the Wolfsbane Potion. It was a project he wanted to
start working on, but yet hadn't found the time to actually start. Severus wanted to perfect it
for Remus. His hopes for his improvements were to make the change painless and to let
Remus keep his whole mind instead of about eighty percent of it… And once he
accomplished that…maybe it could lead to something better…a cure perhaps…an impossible
dream but could still perhaps happen.

Severus snorted into his hands with amusement and disbelief. It was funny how Severus was
sitting here, thinking up ways to make Remus Lupin more comfortable with his full-moon
changes to calm down his own anxiety, and the very fact that it was actually working.

Thinking of Remus Lupin…his friend now…was a bizarre thought as well. It was so hard for
Severus to recall his feelings of resentment, anger and hatred he'd once felt towards the
werewolf. It was as if those feelings belonged in a different world, a different universe where
they remained rivals forever. A universe in which Severus had never forgotten those feelings
and would never know the pull of those hazel-green eyes that always made Severus think of a
summer-warmed and bright wooded forest. Where he would never know the alluring and
comforting scents of tea, chocolate and old books all mixed together. He felt himself blush
with those thoughts of Remus Lupin. His heart was now free of the hands, beating fast and
free once again.

The flames in the fireplace suddenly roared from the living room that was also illuminated in
a green glow.

"Severus?" A familiar voice called out.

Severus' heart jumped into his throat, his legs suddenly feeling numb. There was only one
person in the world to make Severus react like that. He tore his face away from his hands,
straightening himself out. He didn't want Remus to see himself lost in an anxiety attack.

And with his internal mask back on, shielding away his anxiety and stress, Severus called
out, "In the kitchen!"

Remus entered the kitchen, and Severus couldn't help but notice how exhausted he looked,
but at least he seemed glad to be visiting Severus in his quarters. Severus took in his brown
rumpled and threadbare robes that were hanging off of his thin frame. His messy light-brown
hair that sometimes looked golden in the light was flat and hanging over his hazel eyes that
had dark circles underneath, and his face was so pale that the scars stood out more than usual.
And Severus realized that Remus was not coping very well with the aftermath of being held
captive by Greyback.

Severus stood up and began to prepare an herbal tea that was good for relaxation and sleep,
mixed with a very small dose of a Dreamless Sleep Potion. Remus looked like he needed one
nightmare-free night.

"Sit, Remus, you look dead on your feet. I'm making you a good cup of tea that should help
you rest tonight… And, I'm adding a bit of Dreamless Sleep, if you're okay with that?"

"There's no need for that, Severus. I wouldn't want to be a bother," Remus answered, still
standing at the doorway of the kitchen with his hands in the pockets of his robes.

"You are not a bother, Lupin," Severus sighed out with exasperation as he sat the tea kettle on
the stove. "Now sit, before I make you sit." He watched Remus, waiting for a reaction.

That caused a smile out of Remus and it filled Severus' stomach up with butterflies. He just
wanted to go over to Remus and brush the hair away from his face and kiss him, and Severus
had to remind himself that they were only friends.

"You're empty threats don't scare me," Remus said with a hoarse chuckle.

Pulling his gaze away from the werewolf in his kitchen to focus again on what he was doing,
Severus let out a mock scowl and drawled out, "Careful words, Lupin, don't forget I'm the
one brewing your tea."

Remus chuckled again. Merlin, Severus loved the sound of it but he forced himself not to
react to it. They were only friends and co-parents to Harry. They had both agreed on it…
Severus reminded himself of that repeatedly in his head.
Severus then heard the scrape of a chair being pulled out from the table and the rustle of
robes, and he knew Remus had taken a seat. They didn't say much anymore, only sharing
small talk about their day and the classes they had. Severus had suddenly found himself shy
with Remus sitting at his table and watching him with those hazel eyes causing him to be all
tongue-tied and shaky.

Once the tea was finally ready, Severus placed it in front of Remus who thanked him and
blew off the steam, taking careful sips and savoring the flavor. Severus took a seat across
from him, watching as the tea worked its magic on the werewolf who seemed to be visibly
relaxed now.

Severus finished up his own tea as he suddenly wondered yet again, how Harry had managed
to produce a perfect Draught of Living Death today, and why it seemed as if he were hiding
his textbook in class. Something strange was going on and Severus couldn't figure it out, and
he knew that was only because of the stress and anxiety that he'd been under. It was taking its
toll on him and he was sure that if it weren't for that, he would've perhaps figured out the
answer already. He was sure the bloody thing was staring at him in the face.

Suddenly, Remus' eyes were back on Severus. Severus felt them, he felt his cheeks blush a bit
and he hoped the werewolf wouldn't notice.

"I take it that your talk with Harry didn't go so well tonight?" Remus asked with concern.

How did he know that? How is it that Severus couldn't hide from him? His emotionless mask
was always impenetrable, but it seemed like Remus was the only one to see right through it.
Maybe, it's me, maybe I'm allowing him in without realizing it….

So then, what's the point of keeping it up if Remus could just see right through it? Severus
bravely took a few pieces of it off, and said, "You're right. I was hoping we could resolve
things tonight, but somehow we ended up further away than ever. How is that possible,
Remus? How could Harry and I be so close one day, and then the next day we're fighting?
The day I took him to the beach, he'd told me he trusted me and that he was going to try his
best to work on his self-harm, and now after one full day back at Hogwarts, he hates me
again.

Maybe, I just wanted to hear those words from him so badly that I quickly believed him,
ignoring the signs of hesitation…ignoring the signs that he really wasn't ready to trust me
yet… I just feel like we are right back where we started… I feel like I'm failing him…"
Severus felt his heart aching at his admittance and he knew it came out in his voice, making it
shake, and it felt so strange to let his emotions show like that. Severus felt naked from it,
vulnerable, but he trusted Remus.

"You're not a failure, Severus, Harry is just being…well…you know, Harry. The moment you
took him in, I bet you knew it was going to be hard, especially the history and resentment you
two shared for one another… Yet you still took him in, you still adopted him… That's gotta
mean something to Harry, don't you think so?"

As Remus spoke, Severus had his eyes casted down on his empty tea cup, he still kept them
there as he spoke, his voice cracking a bit with hurt. "Remus, he'd just admitted to me that he
doesn't trust me. Harry lied to me… I know he can be a lying brat sometimes…but I never
thought he would lie to me over something that important."

Remus leant over the table and placed his hand over Severus' own that was still gripping
tightly onto his mug. His hand was warm and soft and comforting, it grounded Severus from
his hurt and despair. He pulled his gaze up to meet Remus' own and was suddenly trapped in
the intensity and concern of those hazel-green depths.

"Don't give up, Severus. Right now, Harry is struggling with trust and I don't blame him after
everything he's been through. He may have lied to you, but deep down I know he wants to
trust you. The fact that he said it, only means that he wants to, yet he doesn't know how and
you have to show him how. You must teach him… Just like everything else…

Think of all the things you've helped him with already… You've got him to see that cutting
himself isn't a way to cope… You've helped him raise his self-esteem a bit… You've shown
him that he's not a freak, that he never deserved the Dursleys' abuse. You've done so much for
him and I'm sure he knows it. Hope is not lost with him. Harry is strong, he'll come around.
Just don't give up, you're doing a fantastic job."

Remus' words of encouragement almost made Severus want to cry. He couldn't believe the
effect they had on him. No one's ever been able to move him like that. What was it about this
werewolf that affected Severus this much? He could not understand it.

And as he was considering those wise words, considering Remus…and as always, thoroughly
enchanted by him, Severus suddenly found himself lost in beautiful forest-green and hazel
eyes.

Time just stopped.

Severus could feel his heart beating loudly against his rib-cage and he considered just
opening up completely to Remus, to tell him everything that's been bothering him…
Especially Albus' stupid and dangerous and selfish plan for Severus… The ugly betrayal that
Severus couldn't escape from, the noose around his neck, the secrets he was forced to keep,
the very fact that there would be a time where Severus wouldn't be able to be there for Harry
to guide him through the war. That Remus would have to do that alone.

And that killed Severus. It killed him when he thought of that every day. He didn't want to be
a part of Albus' great plan to save the greater good. Severus wanted it to work, but he didn't
want to be the martyr in it…but he had to be. There was no choice in the matter. His soul was
Albus' to do with it as he pleased and the headmaster had already tied the noose so tightly
around Severus' neck, who was now only waiting for the moment when the block would be
knocked out from under his feet.

Severus was just grateful that Remus was here offering him advice, grateful that Harry had
even bothered to show up tonight and talk, showing he still cared for their relationship,
despite him admitting that he'd lied… Remus was right, not all hope was lost…it wasn't…and
Severus just had to hold on to it. That was the only thing that kept him from breaking,
breaking into a million pieces right in front of Remus.
Remus just watched him from across the table, studying his face, most likely seeing how
Severus was holding back from talking, but he didn't ask for Severus to reveal the things he
was forbidden to bring up. And Severus was entirely grateful for that.

But unfortunately for Remus, Severus was a Slytherin and he wasn't very well known for
being so tactful and kind towards others… Recalling the way Remus was this morning, quiet
and looking as if he'd just been hit by the knight bus as he nursed a cup of coffee. And again,
noticing the way he looks now, sleep deprived and mentally exhausted, not just from lack of
sleep… Severus just had to ask him…

"Remus, thank you for that. I'll consider your advice the next time I speak to Harry… Remus,
I've noticed the way you've been handling your trauma with Greyback."

"My trauma? You're making me sound mad… I'm fine," Remus said, brushing away Severus'
concern. "Can we not talk about that tonight?"

Remus pulled his hand away from Severus, drinking the last of his tea. Refusing to look at
him anymore.

Severus understood why Remus was suddenly uncomfortable with the change of
conversation turning towards him and his time with Greyback. If the roles were switched and
Severus was in Remus' place and he was the one who had the misfortune to be tortured by
Greyback, he wouldn't want anyone asking him about what happened. He wouldn't want
anyone asking him why he wasn't sleeping, why he wasn't dealing with it…because who
could deal with something as horrific like that happening to them?

With what little Remus had revealed to Severus and the memories he was able to see when
he'd pulled Remus out of his wolf-state-of-mind, Severus had a taste of just how brutal
Greyback had been with Remus… But Severus had to ask, had to force the subject up
because he could see that Remus wasn't dealing with it. He was hiding in it, drowning in it.
There was so much quiet pain in his hazel eyes.

"You haven't been sleeping. You barely eat. You're easily distracted and not at all your usual
self… Especially today…" Severus said all of that in a low murmur, almost afraid to bring it
up, but he reminded himself again that he had to do it. "Are you sure you don't want to talk
about it?"

"No, I do not," Remus slammed his cup down. "I said drop it, Severus."

"No," Severus only said. "You can't keep going on like this, if you don't want to talk to me
about it, then find someone to…"

"There is no one else!" Remus suddenly shouted. "Who the fuck would even understand what
had happened to me?!"

Severus' heart sank. Remus stood up from his chair so quickly, it clattered to the floor. His
eyes were suddenly flecked with gold, his jaw was clenched with anger and fear. He was
triggered, Severus could see it in the way Remus was looking at him.
"Remus, why can't you talk to me about it, you were able to just days ago."

Severus was thrown off by this sudden angry reaction. In all the years he'd known Remus
since the age of eleven, Remus was always so gentle and quiet and kind and patient. He
always controlled his emotions, never letting his anger get the best of him like Severus was
always so famous for doing. This behavior was not like Remus at all.

"Remus…" Severus pleaded. "Sit down, please."

Remus was shaking, glaring at him with angry gold-flecked eyes. Severus could feel his
emotions coming off of him in waves. Gut-wrenching pain, anger, fear, humiliation and
shame all balled up together.

Remus shook his head. "I'm telling you I don't want to talk about it right now, I didn't come
here to be triggered by what happened to me… I came here to have a pleasant evening with
you and you won't respect my wishes to drop it… You're not listening to me!" Remus
snarled, then quickly turned around and left the kitchen.

In a flash, Severus was out of his seat and followed after him, grabbing Remus by the hand
and turning him around to face him. "Remus! Wait, don't go!"

Remus violently flinched and pulled himself away from Severus' grasp. "Let go of me!" he
snarled again, baring his teeth, the fear and anger in his voice rang out clearly in the room
and his werewolf strength was still there, no matter how mentally sick and sleep-deprived he
currently looked to Severus, Remus still managed to knock Severus almost to the floor, who
luckily grabbed the top of the sofa to regain his balance, preventing an embarrassing
accident.

And Severus knew Remus was losing himself to the past. He was being haunted by Greyback
and the death of that young girl. He wasn't seeing Severus' quarters any more, he was seeing
the cellar. He wasn't hearing Severus' pleas for him to stay and talk, he was hearing
Greyback's pleas to join his pack, his orders to reveal information about Albus and the Order
of the Phoenix. Severus had been too forceful in getting him to open up. He screwed up
again, just like with Harry, and Severus couldn't blame Remus for reacting like this.

"Remus!" Severus called out, but the werewolf didn't answer back this time. He wrenched
open the portrait door and slammed it shut behind him.

Severus cursed out loud every bad word he could think of.

The first week of Hogwarts flew by quickly. Harry found himself very busy with lessons and
keeping up with his homework that kept piling up. Sixth year was proving to be the toughest
year at Hogwarts he's had so far.

Late at night, when Harry found himself unable to sleep, he busied himself by looking
through the pages of the Half-Blood Prince's book. The writing was so familiar, he'd
definitely seen it before but he couldn't figure out where and it bothered him greatly. Harry
wondered who the Prince was, reading some improved instructions on how to brew a Wit-
Sharpening Potion.

In some of the corners of the pages, spells were written. Harry wondered if those were just
the Prince's favorite spells or if he had created them. Harry also wondered if this mysterious
Prince was even still alive. Was Prince a nickname or was it a last name?

And when Harry was not in class, doing homework or looking through the Potions book,
Harry was watching Draco and wondering about his task for Voldemort and contemplating if
he really bore the dark mark or not.

Draco was always accompanied by his friends Crabbe and Goyle. Several times Harry tried
to catch his eye when his friends weren't looking, but Draco would never meet his gaze.

The tension around Harry and Severus seemed to disappear for just a short time. They talked
again, just as Severus promised him, but nothing of what Severus was hiding from him or
news of Draco came from it. They were at a stand-still for a couple of days, being civil with
each other until Harry accidentally talked back to Severus during class yesterday. Bloody
Snape had deserved it too, he was being a git to Harry and his friends without even a wink to
show that he was acting, triggering Harry into acting out.

And even though he and Severus were having a hard time getting along, Harry still thought
about whether he should tell his dad about the Half-Blood Prince or not. After all, the book
was found in Severus' classroom, it was a big possibility of Severus knowing who the Prince
was. Before they started fighting again, Harry had almost done it once, after class after
everyone was gone, but he chickened out. What if Severus just got angry and took the book
away? Keeping more secrets… And with that thought, Harry had decided not to. Severus had
his secrets and so did Harry.

And with all of that going on, Harry had also managed to notice something weird going on
between Severus and Remus. In the beginning of the week, they seemed to be friendly
towards each other. Ever since Harry was rescued from Greyback's cellar, they seemed to
have resolved the argument they had before, but now… It looked like they were fighting
again. They didn't sit together anymore during meals in the Great Hall. Remus was now
always sitting at the end of the staff table with Professor Vector, the Arithmancy Professor.
Severus would be constantly shooting angry, yet concerned looks at the werewolf. And Harry
could see that Remus was trying his hardest to not glance over at Severus. Everytime Remus
would smile at something Professor Vector would say to him, it left Harry feeling more and
more disappointed. Severus and Remus seemed to be good together as friends. It was clear to
Harry that they had sorted out their old school differences and had become friends. They
needed each other, and now they were letting some stupid fight get between them.

Harry was currently sitting in the Great Hall eating breakfast as these thoughts swirled
around his head, and sure enough he was watching Remus and Severus at the staff table.
Remus sitting and conversing with Professor Vector, Severus scowling down at his plate, an
empty chair was next to him. Harry took another bite of his toast, wondering again what was
up with them, wondering what to do about Draco who wasn't even at breakfast this morning.
And especially since it seemed as if Severus and Remus had their own problems to deal with,
Harry knew he couldn't rely on them with his Draco problem, he would just have to find a
way to talk to Draco and help him himself.

"I have a letter for you, Harry Potter!"

The sudden voice startled Harry out of his thoughts and he turned around to see a third year
Slytherin girl handing him a letter with a neat small and spiky black handwriting on the
envelope, addressed to him.

"Oh, um, thank you," Harry said, taking the envelope.

The girl stood there for a moment. Harry looked up from the envelope with a frown. Ron and
Hermione had stopped their bickering long enough to notice the slight awkward pause.

"Can I help you?" Harry asked.

"Is it true that Draco Malfoy broke your nose on the train?" The girl giggled.

Harry scowled and turned his back to her.

"Oi, bugger off!" Ron shouted.

"No, Ron! Remember that you're a prefect! Just take some points away from her for her rude
behavior!" Hermione scolded, and at the mention of points being taken away, the girl ran off.

"Well, it's too late now!" Ron snapped at Hermione.

Hermione just rolled her eyes at Ron and spoke only to Harry, "Who is it from?" She leaned
close to Harry so that no one else could hear their conversation. Ron leaned in as well, their
argument now forgotten.

"Snape," Harry said, opening the letter and quickly reading it. "He wants me to meet him on
Saturday at eight o'clock at night for detention."

"But isn't that the same time as your lesson with Professor Dumbledore?" Hermione
worriedly asked.

Harry remembered again the cause of this detention with Severus, how yesterday Severus
was either just being a real git to him and his friends or just possibly getting carried away by
his role of pretending that he still hated Harry. He wasn't bloody winking like he'd promised
he would do and it resulted in Harry losing his temper and sticking up for himself and his
friends. Severus lashed back by giving Harry a bunch of hard questions on the potion they
were currently working on, which was the Wit-Sharpening Potion, the one Harry had luckily
studied while going over the Prince's book the night before. He answered almost every
question right with an air of defiance and cockiness that left Severus livid. He accused Harry
of cheating, embarrassing him in front of everyone, and it landed him in detention. It wasn't
fair! Severus was acting like the asshole in the situation, and Harry was the one getting
punished for it?! And ever since then, Severus was so icy with him now. He wasn't going to
his bloody detention that was for sure, and besides Dumbledore had scheduled his meeting
with Harry first. It was only fair that Harry should choose to go with the headmaster.
Harry pulled out Dumbledore's note from his book bag and reread the slanted writing.
Excitement began to rise up in him and chase away the annoyance of Severus' unfair
detention slip. He wondered what this meeting with the headmaster could be about. During
the summer, Harry recalled Dumbledore mentioning extra lessons once the school year
started. Could this be the first one?

"Snape will understand," Harry shrugged and gestured at Dumbledore's letter to his friends.
"This is way more important than some detention I could always just do another night."

"Yeah but this isn't just some detention, Harry… I don't think you should cancel it. I think
you should reschedule Dumbledore's lesson, even if it is important. You can always do that
another night as well," Hermione advised with a worried frown.

"Oh, give it a rest, Hermione!" Ron groaned out with annoyance. "How is detention with
Snape more important than a secret lesson with Dumbledore?!"

"Oh, let's see then!" Hermione suddenly snapped, finally having enough of the way Ron kept
speaking to her. "Snape is Harry's father, Ronald!" she whispered so angrily and low enough
that only Ron and Harry could hear her, yet it was still very scary as if she were shouting to
them at the top of her lungs. "And their relationship is hanging by a thread! A thread and a
very thin one as a matter of fact!"

Hermione then snapped her attention towards Harry who tried not to flinch.

"You should've seen Snape's face in class yesterday! He was livid with you, Harry! And you
deserved it! You know he has to keep up that act, I bet you he doesn't even like speaking to
you that way anymore than you do taking it! And you were so disrespectful to him! You don't
think that hurts his feelings? And to make matters even more worse, instead of going to
Snape's detention so you can apologize to him, you're planning on going off with
Dumbledore!"

"Hermione, this is Dumbledore we're talking about here," Harry whispered back. "It's
probably going to be about how I could defeat Voldemort!"

Ron flinched, dropping his orange juice all over his eggs. Hermione and Harry ignored him.

"This is the war we're talking about here, it's too important. Like I've said, Snape and I can
always apologize another night… Besides, I don't even think I have much of a choice here,
I'm sure Dumbledore is going to make Snape reschedule the detention once he finds out
about it."

"But Snape is your…dad!" Hermione said in a barely audible whisper. "That should be more
important than anything. I can see how distant you are with him right now, you need to fix it
right away. You two are both miserable, and maybe then he would lay off us in class! Acting
like a brat during Snape's lessons won't fix anything!"

Harry gaped at Hermione, shocked into silence for a few moments. He didn't think his friends
had noticed, but of course Hermione did. "Severus and I are going to be okay. We always
fight, don't worry about us, Hermione."
Hermione only sighed with defeat and annoyance, getting up and grabbing her books and
stuffing them into her bag. "Have you ever thought that maybe this fight could be different, it
could be the beginning of a permanent falling out? That maybe, Professor Snape really is hurt
by your behavior? Honestly, Harry! He's done so much for you and this is how you repay
him, acting like a brat?!"

Harry and Ron could only exchange shocked glances at each other, daring to not interrupt
her.

"Stop pretending like you and your father are okay! You're not fooling anyone, certainly not
me!" Hermione finished, then stormed out of the Great Hall, leaving Ron and Harry shocked
and silent for a few moments.

"How do you argue with her every day?" Harry asked Ron as they turned back to their
breakfast. Ron tried cleaning up the spilt orange juice with a charm. "That was bloody
frightening."

"Beats me," Ron shrugged, now serving himself another plate of bacon, eggs and buttered
toast. "But don't worry, Hermione's always mad at one of us, but then she just gets over it. I
bet she just went off to the library to do some research on who the Prince could be or even
what Dumbledore might teach you, like advanced spells or something, that way she can show
you and help you prepare later."

Suddenly, Harry remembered Hermione doing that exact thing during their fourth year, often
getting upset with him, yet still managing to help him prepare for the tasks for the Triwizard
Tournament.

"Yeah…you're right," Harry said, instantly feeling like a git.

Hermione was right by the way, every single thing she had said. Harry was worried about
him and Severus never making up, and that made his heart twinge a bit with loss. Hermione
was right, he had to fix this rift he had with Severus. He was indeed bloody miserable about
it, and so was Severus. Harry looked back to the staff table and with a jolt of his heart leaping
into his throat, Severus wasn't there anymore. He'd managed to leave without Harry noticing
as Hermione knocked sense into him.

"Let's face it," Ron said, pulling Harry out of his thoughts. "Without Hermione, we wouldn't
have made it to sixth year."

"Yeah, I know, we are helpless without her, and everything she'd just said, she was right… I
have to talk to Snape… I don't even know why Hermione even puts up with us, honestly!"
Harry said with a huff of guilt and frustration.

Ron nudged Harry, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Mate…"

Harry looked down, he was rubbing at his arms and Ron saw it. He blushed and pulled his
nails away from his skin. Thankfully Ron didn't mention it, he was probably as embarrassed
about it as Harry was. They were never good at exchanging feelings with each other.
Hermione was also the only one good for that.
"We are the only ones smart enough to be Hermione's best friends," Ron said, causing Harry
to smile.

Harry wished Ron could have said that while Hermione was around, then perhaps she could
stop being so mad at him all the time. Harry knew for a while that his best friends were
harboring crushes for each other and Harry wondered how long it was going to take them to
realize it. Hermione might be smart but when it came down to romance, just like Ron and
Harry, she was pretty much oblivious to the subject.

"Hey, Harry," Ginny sat down across from him.

Harry stashed the letter in his pocket, hoping Ginny hadn't seen them. He wasn't sure if he
could tell anyone else about his secret lessons with Dumbledore besides Ron and Hermione.

"Ginny," Harry stammered out. "Hi… What's up?" And Harry just wanted to sink to the
ground at how cringy and awkward he was sounding.

"I was just wondering if you knew anything about the new captain for the Gryffindor team
this year. I was so certain you would get the badge, but you didn't, nor did Katie or Alicia. It
had to be either of you three, you're the only ones left from the original team."

"That is peculiar…" Harry said, trying to fish out coherent words to say to her back. He hated
that Ginny could turn him into a mess like this, and hopefully Ron wasn't noticing.

"Hey! Maybe Dumbledore is planning on giving you your badge during your…! Ow!" Ron
never got the chance to finish his sentence because Harry gave him a swift and meaningful
kick from under the table.

Of course, Ginny didn't miss the look Harry gave her brother, she narrowed her eyes at them,
but was tactful enough to not say anything.

Harry's stomach was doing a bunch of cartwheels and flips. He didn't know what to say and
his hands were suddenly sweaty. He's never had this much trouble speaking to Ginny before,
even when they'd spent time at the Burrow and boarded the train to Hogwarts, but they had
Hermione and Ron with them constantly. They hadn't been alone together since his birthday.

The memory of that night made Harry blush, remembering how close she was to him in the
orchard, so close he could smell the flowery scent of her shampoo and the way she had
looked at him, her brown eyes soft and searching. It made Harry forget about his past with his
relatives, made him forget the freak he felt he was sometimes, the self-harm… Harry didn't
feel all messed up inside… Ginny somehow made him feel different, normal, whole….

Harry remembered how he felt when Ginny had admitted to him in the orchard that she
understood a bit of what he was going through, and Harry could see it in her. Ginny truly
meant what she said. And Harry could still remember the fireflies dancing around them, the
glow in Ginny's eyes as she gave him her birthday present to him and it was simple and yet, it
meant everything to Harry. He placed the frame on his bedside table in his room, the one in
Severus' quarters, the only place that felt like home enough for Harry to safely put it.
He wondered what would've happened if they had kissed, how her soft-looking lips would
have felt against his own if Severus hadn't interrupted them.

Ginny and Ron had started arguing about something, Harry wasn't sure of what. His eyes
were on Ginny's hand that was laying face down on the table. Harry wanted to reach out and
hold it, but he was too shy to do it, he felt his legs go numb at the thought.

"Let's get to class, Harry," Ron said, pulling him away from Ginny who gave him a departing
smile.

"See you later, then?" Ginny said.

"Yes… I'll find out who the captain is from Professor McGonagall and I'll let you know what
she says," Harry finally managed to say.

Ginny nodded and Harry wished he had the courage to just tell her what she meant to him, to
just have taken her hand, to have kissed that smile she gave him. But he was a mess inside…
Ginny deserved so much better than a freak like him.

Severus was livid, beyond livid! It was bad enough that he was having a horrid week of
Harry acting out and Remus no longer speaking to him! The last thing he needed was to have
his detention with Harry canceled!

How dare Albus still follow through with his lesson with Harry after he'd been assigned to
detention!

Severus' detention should've canceled the lesson due to discipline! Albus knew why Harry
had the detention, how disrespectful Harry was to Severus during lessons and chose to
overlook it, forcing Severus to reschedule the detention and rewarding Harry in the process,
encouraging his wayward behavior!

And Albus knew of the sudden strain on his and Harry's relationship. He knew Severus was
planning on giving Harry a good lecture, then hoping to repair what was broken between
them!

But, no!

Albus had to be fucking selfish! And it was no surprise at all to Severus, but he was still
fucking angry about the whole blasted thing!

Albus didn't even have the decency to let Severus know that his lesson was still going to
happen and not Severus' detention until ten minutes before Harry was expected to arrive, and
it was by a bloody letter! Severus had prepared a sink full of rusted cauldrons in his sixth
year classroom that were caked with grime of failed potions for the cheeky brat to scrub until
he began to feel sorry for himself.

Severus shouted out his password to his quarters and banged the portrait door shut behind
him, heading straight to the kitchen to pour himself a glass of red wine, all the while
muttering to himself about disrespectful teenagers and headmasters who didn't consider
anyone else's priorities but their own.

With his glass of wine and a load of work for the night under his arm, Severus then stormed
back out of his quarters and went to his office that wasn't far at all, just down the halls of the
dungeons near his classrooms.

He sat down at his desk, slamming down the load of student scrolls that had been waiting for
him all day to be graded, making his mood more foul and grumpier than ever before. He
really didn't feel like checking the essays over, but he did anyway, and his disappointment
grew even greater with each passing scroll.

Severus was just writing a big red D over Weasley's essay when he heard the roar of the
fireplace and the walls of his office glowed green. Severus wondered who could be paying
him a social call at this hour. He glanced at the clock, it was bloody late.

That better be Albus! Severus thought angrily to himself, and sure enough it was the
headmaster stepping out of his office fireplace.

"You have some nerve showing up after what you've just pulled!" Severus growled, not
looking up from his work.

"Ah, Severus," Albus chuckled. "The lesson went well, if you were wondering."

Severus snapped his head up at the audacity of the headmaster coming in here with his
blasted cheerful attitude! Yet, he swallowed his anger down because curiosity over what
Harry had done with the headmaster tonight won him over. Severus knew Harry wouldn't be
able to tell him about it. Asking Albus was his only chance.

"How did Harry do?"

"I can't tell you much yet, but he showed far more potential than I thought he would."

"Albus, just fucking tell me what you're doing with my son!"

"Not yet, Severus. We've been through this already. I'll tell you when the time is right. It's too
early to do so… It could be very dangerous."

"For fuck's sake, Albus," Severus groaned with great annoyance and exhaustion. "And what
if I don't want Harry to do this by himself?"

"I've told you so many times, it's the only way. This is what has to happen and Harry will
succeed. Just have faith in him," Albus answered back with a far greater patience that
Severus could never have himself.

Severus snorted at that, his eyes landing on Albus' hand, charred black and lifeless from the
curse Severus had managed to stop from killing the old fool swiftly. He was able to buy the
headmaster time that night. Harry would've tried asking Albus about his hand tonight.
Severus knew his son very well.
"Did he ask you about your hand," Severus asked.

Albus raised up his hand, examining it as he said, "Harry's indeed very curious… He did try
asking me about it, but I steered him to a different topic."

"He's not going to let it go so easily, he'll bring it up again until he gets an answer. Harry
doesn't like things hidden from him, especially things he deserves to know."

Albus only examined his hand once more and chuckled.

Severus scowled, already having quite enough of the headmaster being so fucking bloody
cheerful and smug in his office. "Is there anything else in particular that you came to tell me,
if not…"

"One more thing, your detention is rescheduled for any day of your choosing."

"Great," Severus muttered, looking back down at his work and saying dismissively, "Well if
that is all, I must get back to grading some very disappointing term papers."

Albus chuckled, "Don't mind me intruding any longer. I have another mission I must prepare
for. I won't be here for a few weeks, so please, watch over the students, Severus."

Worry prickled in Severus' chest. The old fool annoyed him to no end, but he had to face it,
without Albus the wizarding world didn't stand a chance. Harry would be lost without him.
And for Severus, well, he would be without the only mentor he'd ever known for the past
sixteen years. But Severus was never going to admit that to Albus, even after death.

"Don't be stupid this time, Albus, take care you don't curse your other hand," Severus
drawled out, still refusing to look at him.

The words were mean, but behind them, Severus hid his worry and fear for him, hid the fact
that he cared for the old man. And he was pretty sure Albus understood what he was hiding.

"I'll take care, Severus, there's too much at risk. I cannot afford to make anymore foolish
mistakes."

Severus didn't say anymore. He just continued to stare down at the essay he was grading, not
really comprehending what he was reading as a roar of green flames announced Albus'
departure.

As Severus buried himself into his work, his anger and annoyance directed towards Albus
began to disappear and instead, fear and worry took their place… Worry for Albus' safety on
his mysterious missions, fear and worry for his son who was destined to walk this mysterious
path alone to defeat the Dark Lord….

Severus knew Albus was doing all he could to protect Harry and guide him through it, even if
Severus didn't agree with his tactics. He knew Albus was doing what he thought to be right in
order to save the wizarding world. He knew this was Harry's destiny, but Severus wished for
a chance of Albus being wrong.
But Albus was hardly ever wrong… And Severus feared again for the moment when Harry
would find himself alone without Albus or Severus around to guide him.

At least he'll know that he has Remus on his side… The only thing that was holding Severus
together, and he found himself vowing that no matter what, no matter how much Harry might
hate him after the terrible promise was accomplished, Severus planned to do everything in his
power, even if he had to do it undercover, to help his son on his path to defeat the Dark Lord,
to help him with any tasks Albus was planning on leaving for him after his death, and insure
that Harry survives.

Even if Severus had to sacrifice his own life, because Severus had a feeling he may not make
it to see the outcome of the war, not with a role such as his. All the lies he'd been feeding to
the Dark Lord would surely catch up with him eventually. There was no hope for Severus, no
going back, and he'd accepted it long ago. But hope would never be lost for his son, because
in spirit and in life, Harry would always have Severus.
 Trust The Werewolf
Chapter Summary

Enjoy my new chapter! Next update will be next Sunday!

Chapter Four – Trust the Werewolf

It was the end of Harry's first lesson with Dumbledore, and he couldn't believe what the
Hogwarts headmaster had shown him tonight. It was about Voldemort's family, the start of his
past. It was strange to think that the dark wizard had a mother, it was hard to believe that
once he was just a kid. Did anyone know what Voldemort was destined to become? Wasn't
there anyone who bore a small hint or feeling when they'd interacted with him? Harry had
asked those questions to Dumbledore and the headmaster had told him no. But how does a
small innocent kid grow up to become something that evil?

What drove Tom Riddle to such a dark place? What made him want to become so evil
enough to kill anyone that wasn't worthy enough to carry magical blood? To go after two
innocent babies without a second thought about it, who were only inaccurately prophesied to
be his downfall. What made him so emotionless and cold? A monster? What does it take to
drive someone down such a dark and bloody path? Harry inwardly shuddered as he thought
about it…wondering if that could have easily been his future.

Dumbledore had told Harry that Tom Riddle had grown up in an orphanage without a soul to
love him. Just like how Harry grew up with no love from the Dursleys. Could that be the
result? Harry couldn't help but link Voldemort to himself. If Severus hadn't rescued Harry in
the summer, would that have been his fate if he stayed there? What would've happened to
him? Would he have starved to death or died at the hands of his uncle's cruel hands or would
he have eventually gotten carried away with cutting himself, accidentally dying from blood
loss? If Harry hadn't been taken out by any of those things, would he have turned out like
Voldemort?

Harry couldn't help but think of the things they had in common… Rotten childhoods… Both
growing up in the muggle world without knowing what they truly were… Both half-bloods if
that counted for anything… Similar looks…dark hair, long face and nose…same skin tone…
The only thing different was the eye color and that Harry wore glasses. And even though they
were in different Hogwarts houses, Harry couldn't ignore the fact that he was almost put into
Slytherin.

Maybe that was why the Dusleys hated Harry so much, maybe they had detected something
dark in him when he was little and that resorted to them beating the magic out of him. Maybe
they were right and Harry really was a freak, destined to become evil like Voldemort.
Burning pain began to flare up from his arm, ripping Harry out of his thoughts and he looked
down at his arm with shock. He'd been scratching himself again without realizing it. Harry
had been trying to stop, he'd even promised Severus he would try but it was hard, especially
with everything that has been going on… Arguing with his dad… Worrying over Draco…
The way he kept getting all tongue tied around Ginny… The mysterious Half-Blood Prince…
And now thinking about Voldemort as Tom Riddle and how similar they were… There was
too much building up inside him. And not helping at all was Aunt Petunia's voice just
echoing in his head… Freak! We had to beat all of the magic out of you!

Harry shook the voice away, refusing to listen but it stubbornly clung on and he tried not to
think how good cutting felt right about now… It would take everything away for just a little
while… A few precious moments of peace and relief from the voices in his head, the anxiety
rising up and building in his chest.

Harry also didn't like the way Dumbledore had dismissed him so easily after Harry had asked
him about that peculiar ring on his hand. It looked a lot like Marvolo Gaunt's ring. Harry
asked if it was the same one and the headmaster had practically kicked Harry out of the
office, just like the time Harry had that strange vision of Bellatrix and Voldemort planning
someone's murder. Harry hadn't had another one, just nightmares of it. He never got answers
to it either. Dumbledore had just taken the information and shoved him in the dark… And he
did the same thing tonight when Harry asked about the state of his hand, giving Harry a false
answer then purposely changing the subject… It annoyed Harry, and he decided right then
and there that he couldn't open up to Dumbledore about anything, especially about Draco.
These lessons were all just business in figuring out how to defeat Voldemort.

Only one good thing came out of the evening's lesson, Harry was now the official Gryffindor
quidditch captain. Dumbledore gave Harry the badge just before they'd dove into the
pensieve. Harry took out the red and gold badge, admiring it with disbelief. He really thought
it was going to be either Katie or Alicia or even Ginny, because she was that good on the
field. Also, Ginny was the only one who could help Harry pull Ron together before a big
game.

And thinking of his new title as quidditch captain, it made Harry very happy and excited
about it and he wanted to tell Severus about it, but he couldn't. He wanted to go to his dad
and just tell him everything that has been bothering him, but remembering the distrust he'd
admitted to Severus… Then the argument between them during their last lesson together, the
look on Severus' face… Hermione was right, Harry made everything much worse between
them by choosing Dumbledore's lesson over a chance to make up with Severus… And now
Harry really felt like he couldn't go to Severus more than ever before.

Instead, Harry shoved the badge back into his back pocket and forced himself to keep
walking to Gryffindor tower instead of downstairs to the dungeons.

Just as Harry reached the stairs, footsteps echoed from the next corridor, causing Harry to
stop in his tracks. Who was on the seventh floor this late at night? It had to be after curfew by
now. Harry pulled over his invisibility cloak and found a tapestry of trolls, leaning beside it
against the wall. The footsteps were coming closer. Harry slapped a hand to his mouth, that
way the owner of the footsteps wouldn't hear him breathing.
And it wasn't long until he could finally make out a dark figure approaching him, his face
hidden in the shadows. Harry stayed as still as possible, not daring to make a single sound.
Harry watched the figure walking closer and closer, the footsteps sounding louder and louder,
along with a swish of long school robes… Then from the light of the moon coming from one
of the long windows of the corridor, there was no mistaking that platinum blonde hair.

It was Draco!

Harry's heart skipped a beat. Maybe now that they were completely alone together, Draco
would talk to him as a friend again. Harry stepped away from the wall, pulling off the cloak
so that he appeared right besides the Slytherin like an apparition.

"Bloody hell! Potter?!" Draco, usually always so composed, jumped a foot in the air, his hand
over his heart with shock and fright. He glanced over at Harry with wide eyes, breathing hard
and noticing the invisibility cloak in his hands.

Harry had a hard time keeping himself from laughing. "Aren't Slytherins supposed to be
ready for any signs of possible danger? Not jumping about like us foolish Gryffindors?"
Harry teased, hoping with all of his heart that his friendly prank would make Draco drop the
act he's had on since the train and just be his friend again for one stolen moment.

Gray-blue eyes connected with Harry's own bright-green eyes. Harry could see a glimmer of
amusement and friendliness in those depths and sudden relief washed over him. His Draco
was still there… Then gray-blue eyes turned into hardened steel, and Harry's heart sank… He
spoke too soon….

"Nice new nose you've got there, Potter. Don't make me break it again. Get back to your
dormitory before you get yourself into more trouble. I'm sure your daddy wouldn't like that,"
Draco sneered, stepping away from him, raising his wand. "Go on, be a good little boy for
that greasy dungeon bat!"

Harry glared at him, tightening his hold on his own wand, ready to draw it out as soon as
Draco uttered his first spell. "Drop the act, Draco. No one's around."

"Drop what act, Potter? What are you even doing here, anyway? You better not be spying on
me again!"

"I wasn't spying! Draco, just stop for one moment. I have to talk to you about something…
about the mark on your arm…"

Draco glared at him, slapping his arm to his wrist.

Harry watched that with a raised eyebrow…wondering… Was he too late? Did Draco have it
already?

"You stupid git, didn't you get my message on the train? We were never friends! It was only a
truce to get me through those weeks. Summer is over, the truce is over! You don't know what
you're bloody talking about and stay the hell away from me!"
Draco then walked past Harry, carefully making sure to hit him in the side as hard as he could
with his shoulder.

He's lying… He doesn't mean any of that… He's only just trying to push me away… Harry
told himself, his heart aching at the possibility of him being wrong. True or not, Draco was a
very good actor. It made Harry forget how Draco once promised that he wouldn't mean any of
his future hostility… That once the war was all over… Draco would be there again on the
other side without the act…and they could be friends again….

"Draco," Harry said, before Draco could walk further away from him. "I know about your
task from Voldemort. What is he making you do? How can I help you?"

Draco whipped back around, facing him with a shock and stormy glare. "Shut your mouth,
Potter! You don't know what you're talking about! Are you fucking insane?! Leave!"

And Harry knew he hit Draco's mark, now Draco knew that Harry knew and there was no
hiding from it. Maybe now he could drop the charade for just one moment, just long enough
for Harry to see if he needed help.

"I do know what I'm talking about," Harry murmured, stepping closer to Draco who glanced
around for any possible night-time wanderers.

"After you left us, Severus told me you had a task, but he wouldn't tell me anymore than that.
I do know that your life's on the line, along with your parents'...Draco, you don't have to do
this… If you need help… Severus…"

Draco's act broke just a little, and Harry saw how his stormy eyes filled with pain, anger and
fear… Then the act went back up, the impenetrable mask that was so impossible for Harry to
break.

"What can Snape do to help me out, Potter? I don't need help! I'm fucking fine and dandy
here! This is what I've always wanted! Besides, I wouldn't be so quick to lay all of my trust
on Severus Snape. You do know he is the Dark Lord's most trusted and loyal servant, right?
He claims to be a spy for our side or is he really a spy for the light? Is he Dumbledore's man
or the Dark Lord's? I guess no one really knows but Severus Snape himself!" Draco spat out.

Harry flinched at that, but he refused to let Draco get to him. He shouted back, not giving a
shit if anyone was around to hear them. It was so late at night that it was very unlikely
anyways. "He is fighting for the light! He wants to help you, Draco. I want to help you!"

"No!" Draco shouted. "Open your eyes, Potter. There is nothing you can do! Nothing!
Everything is changing and it's better to be on the side destined to succeed. Just stay out of
my business and I'll stay out of yours," the Slytherin spat and as if it were an afterthought he
didn't mean to say, Draco added, "It's better this way. Everything that happened between us,
it's over. Forget everything I've promised. It was stupid to hope for it."

"Draco…" Harry choked out, his heart breaking. It's an act… It's an act… Maybe, it isn't….
"I'm serious, Potter. Stay away from me. I'm letting you off easy. Next time, I'm breaking
your fucking nose again."

Harry stepped back, not believing what Draco was saying to him. Not recognizing the
Slytherin standing in front of him, his best friend….

"So you're just giving up?" Harry argued back, he wasn't letting Draco push him away
without one last fight.

Draco only glared at him and walked away.

"I know you better than that!" Harry shouted. "Just show me your arm at least! That way I
know for sure at least the reason why you're suddenly so determined on giving your whole
life away to that bastard!"

Draco whirled around, eyes full of sparkling anger. "Flipendo!" he shouted.

Harry felt himself get knocked off his feet as if a giant had flicked him away. He flew into the
air and crashed into the wall with the hanging tapestry of trolls. The air was knocked out of
his windpipe and he gasped out in pain as he fell to the floor. He pulled himself up into a
sitting position with his bruised back leaning against the wall. Harry looked up just in time to
see Draco walking away, not even looking back to see if he was okay.

Harry couldn't breathe. He was fighting for air. He didn't move, couldn't move. The hurt he
was feeling at what Draco had said to him felt worse than being thrown into the wall.

And his mind drifted to the furthest corners of his brain where the dark thoughts were hidden.

Harry wondered if this whole time Draco was faking their friendship, waiting until he was
back with Voldemort to be his true self again. He couldn't help but replay that memory over
and over of Draco promising to meet Harry on the other side of the war. The real Draco
without his mask… The Draco who just wanted to be a quidditch player or a healer. The one
who laughed with Harry during chess games and exploding snap, chasing the practice snitch
around Severus' quarters and having pillow fights until Severus got mad at them. The Draco
who was too shy to play quidditch at the Burrow because he wasn't sure if he would be
welcomed by the Weasley children. The one who was there during Harry's panic attacks. The
one who told Harry they were best friends, that Harry was his only true friend who
understood him… Was that all a lie?

Was it all just a lie to get him through the summer? Or to possibly break Harry? Was the old
Draco, the bullying Slytherin, the real Draco this whole entire time? Harry felt so stupid, a
stupid fool to believe him and let his guard down around him. Dark thoughts emerged from
their shadowy corners and swirled around in Harry's mind. They reminded him of the
monsters in the shadows, the monsters Harry was so afraid of when he was a little kid,
sleeping in a dirty broom cupboard.

He suddenly felt it… That small longing that grew stronger and stronger until it took over
and it was all Harry could think about doing. His body started shaking uncontrollably hard.
That need was suddenly all that mattered, to cut into his skin and feel that burning and
satisfying pain. Cut deeper and deeper until crimson-red blood trailed along his pale and
scarred skin.

He couldn't control the situation Draco was in, couldn't force Draco to accept his offer of
help, but Harry could control the pain he was feeling inside. He had to physically feel it in his
flesh. He needed to cut… He needed to… He couldn't stand feeling so hurt inside
anymore….

And somewhere in the back of his mind that was full of shadowy creatures, Harry fought
with himself to not give into it, knowing how livid Severus would be if he found out Harry
had cut himself. He would already be upset if he saw Harry's scratched-up arm.

Then his thoughts switched back to Draco. He focused on him, fighting so hard with
himself… Don't… Don't… Harry told himself and he remembered the time they began to
form an actual friendship… This memory that meant so much to Harry…and how was it
possible that Draco was being so fake in it all along? There was no way it was all a lie….

Severus' last words rang in Harry's head: "I think it's more than just you being upset with me.
I think you were just starting to trust me and it scared you, now you're using the smallest
excuse to push me away!"

Harry slammed the door hard behind him, not caring that Severus might come in here after
him to yell at him for being disrespectful and slamming doors. Harry had enough of that
slimy Potions Professor who only lied to him about everything!

This whole situation was all just one big fat stinking lie! Severus never cared for him, it was
all just for duty, because he had to… And Harry had no idea why Severus kept trying to
explain himself. There was no use in even trying to fix it. By the end of the summer Harry
would be back to residing at Gryffindor tower, then this would all be over and they could just
forget everything that happened.

"What are you two fighting about now?" a voice drawled from Harry's desk. Harry turned to
see Malfoy sitting there, working on his summer homework.

"Like you care," Harry muttered with annoyance, then he kicked the door hard. He wanted to
cut. That was the worst part about it. He'd just been back from the hospital wing for a week
after almost killing himself from slicing open his wrist, and he still wanted to cut, and it
scared him, and he was angry at Severus, and also hurt for being lied to, for actually thinking
that there might've been an adult he could trust. But everything was all wrong, and Harry just
really wanted to cut but he couldn't because he had a bloody Slytherin in his room.

"Hey! Potter! Stop that!"

But Harry couldn't, he kicked the door again and again. His rage was seeping out through
his shouts. His hurt was coming out from warm tears slowly trailing down his cheeks. And his
need to cut was coming out in his suddenly trembling body and Harry just kept kicking and
kicking, hoping Severus would come in here so they could just fight! Why isn't Severus
coming in to yell at him?

Suddenly, Harry felt strong arms wrapping around his waist, pulling him away from the door.

Harry shouted out in protest, "What the hell, Malfoy! Let go of me!"

"Are you bloody mental?! What the fuck is wrong with you? Do you want Snape coming in
here for making all that ruckus? He's going to if you don't fucking stop hurting yourself!"
Draco shouted.

"So what! Why do you even care?! You'll probably love the show! Me hurting myself, acting
bloody insane with Snape yelling at me!" Harry shouted back, trying to fight out of Draco's
grasp.

"No, Potter! You're bloody wrong!"

Harry couldn't respond to that. He needed to cut! He needed to let out the hurt and anger
that was making him want to explode. And he just didn't want to be touched. He kept fighting
out of Draco's grasp.

Where the fuck was Severus?! Harry had left him in the kitchen where they had been arguing,
he was sure Severus could hear everything going on.

He's probably given up… He doesn't know what to do with me… I'm just a fucking freak he
has to deal with!

"Let go of me!" Harry roared out.

"Only if you promise to stop and listen to me!" Malfoy shouted, still keeping a tight hold on
him. They had fallen to the floor, Malfoy's back was against Harry's bed and Harry was
practically struggling in his lap now.

Harry didn't say anything more. He couldn't breathe and he hated human contact when he
was feeling this triggered, but Malfoy was resilient with his hold on Harry, not letting go,
even as Harry let out another shout of frustration and tried straightening out his body,
arching his back to get Malfoy to let him go. But it didn't work. Malfoy just held on and
Harry suddenly felt the anger seep out, more tears were streaming down his cheeks but he
wiped them away quickly. He didn't want Malfoy to see him cry anymore.

Harry let his body go soft, trying to take in deep breaths. "Okay, I'm calm!" he snapped.

"You don't sound calm," Malfoy stated, not shouting but just serious and very calm himself.

Harry took a deep breath with frustration and resignation, closing his eyes, trying to calm
himself down. He kept thinking of the stag in the meadow, the way its muzzle had felt as it
nuzzled it to Harry's cheek. And Harry remembered the talk Severus had given him that day,
of everyone having a different path, some had it darker and harder than others but there
would always be a light at the end…happiness... That memory made Harry's heart ache,
causing the anger to fade a little, at least enough for Malfoy to decide Harry was calm
enough to finally let him go.

"You have to lay off Snape, Potter… Bloody hell…" Malfoy said, sounding a bit out of breath
and his voice was full of exasperation as Harry crawled away from him, choosing to sit
beside him with his back against the bed like Malfoy.

Harry pulled his knees up to his chest, laying his face down on his lap. "You don't know
anything," he muttered. Harry wasn't sure if Malfoy was able to hear him. His voice was
muffled and he was trying to take in deep breaths, but he couldn't… He couldn't breathe… He
needed Severus and he instantly chased that thought away.

But Malfoy did. "Maybe not about everything but I know that you're lucky he's taken you in
for the summer…especially because he used to hate you. You should at least show him a bit of
respect even if you're mad at him."

Harry scoffed and lifted his head to look at Malfoy with disbelief. "You're talking about being
disrespectful?! After how you've treated Remus, Hagrid and anyone who wasn't pure-blood?
Hypocrite!"

"Fine, I'm a hypocrite! Call me out on it all you want, but you can't keep living with Snape
like this for the whole summer. You two are bloody driving me mad! You have to talk to him,
at least let him know why you're angry at him!"

Malfoy's words caught Harry off guard and all he could do was stare incredulously at him.
Who was he to lecture him on being disrespectful? How much of Harry's past does Malfoy
know? Did Severus tell him?

"How do you know I'm mad at him for something? What if I just can't stand living with him?"

Malfoy shrugged, "Before Snape arrived to pick us up from the Burrow you kept asking Mrs.
Weasley for him when you thought no one was paying attention. When your scar was hurting,
you'd only wanted him…only Severus could calm you down. Then suddenly you see me sitting
with him, talking to him and I come back with you and him, and then you hate Severus! Why,
Potter? Jealous I was taking all of his attention from you?"

"I'm not jealous! That isn't what this is about," Harry said tersely.

Malfoy looked at him and scoffed at his words, his blue-gray eyes dancing with amusement
and disbelief. "I think the only reason you would be jealous was if Severus took you in and
you two somehow worked out your differences with each other and then somehow grew
close… What is he now? Your new guardian?"

Malfoy paused so Harry could answer, but he didn't. Harry just kept his glare fixed on his
lap.

"Whatever… I figured the only explanations to your sudden fights are that you're upset that
I'm here or it's something he's done."
Harry didn't respond. He still kept his gaze down. The Slytherin was way more observant
than Harry thought.

"Just talk to me, Potter!" Malfoy sighed, pleading with impatience in his voice. "Why are you
so upset with Snape, how did you even end up with him?"

"Just because we've formed a truce doesn't mean I'm going to suddenly be your best friend,"
Harry muttered angrily. He was certainly not opening up with his ex arch-enemy.

Harry stayed quiet, not saying anymore. Not daring to chance a glance at Malfoy, trying to
focus on breathing slowly, taking in air then letting it out….

Why hasn't Severus come in yet? Maybe he's tired of me… I don't blame him….

Freak echoed in Harry's head.

Malfoy let out an exasperated sigh, Harry didn't have to look at him to know that he was
rolling his eyes. "You're impossible! Fine, be a prat. I'm going back to my homework." Malfoy
stood back up and sat back at the desk. Harry could hear him turning the pages of his
textbook.

There were several moments of silence, apart from the sounds of Malfoy scratching his quill
against his parchment, occasionally flipping through his textbook.

Harry stayed where he was on the floor, burying his head back into his lap. His breathing
was getting a bit easier now.

He wondered again why Severus hadn't come in yet to check on him, especially since he was
kicking the door really hard.

Does he even care, did he get tired of yelling at me? Why the fuck am I still here with him?
Severus doesn't want to take care of a freak like me, Harry contemplated to himself.

He really wouldn't blame Severus if he decided to kick Harry out and keep Malfoy instead.
The thought of his Gryffindor room changing into Slytherin green almost made Harry want to
cry again.

"I thought he cared about me," Harry suddenly said, lifting his head so that Malfoy could
hear him. He didn't know what made him start talking. The emotions of hurt and anger paired
with all of his negative thoughts were still swirling around him, causing his body to shake, he
wanted to cut, but he knew he couldn't and maybe talking a bit to Malfoy may help, after all,
it already calmed his breathing a bit.

Malfoy stopped writing, listening and waiting for Harry to continue.

"Severus rescued me from my aunt and uncle," Harry admitted, suddenly his breathing was
becoming heavy again, his throat closing up from anxiety. Why was this so hard?

He was suddenly nervous at the thought of talking to Malfoy, even though he'd felt like he
was ready just a second ago. The only one Harry was able to talk to about his relatives was
Severus, and it hurt so bad that he didn't have that anymore. But maybe he could have
someone else, Malfoy was already asking him about it anyway….

"He said they were abusing me…" Harry said so quietly, his cheeks growing very warm. And
an awkward silence followed. "Severus brought me here when he found out about my cutting,
then he found the bruises… He's been helping me with trying to stop and trying to get me to
see that I'm not a freak…"

Harry stopped, taking a deep breath before continuing, "Severus told me he cared for me,
that he wanted to help me get better, to stop cutting, but he lied… According to him, he only
took me in because he had to, he only helped me on Dumbledore's orders, so that means
everything he's told me… It was all lies… And when I had that vision, he said we were going
to talk to Dumbledore about it to find out what it means but he had let Dumbledore kick me
out of the office so they could talk about me and keep secrets… I was so stupid to even
consider trusting him. How can I when I don't even know what side he is on… Dumbledore's
or mine or possibly Voldemort's."

Malfoy finally put down his quill and turned around, looking down at Harry with a frown.
"Potter, I'm very certain Severus had said those things because I was there. He wasn't sure if
he could trust me knowing about you and him."

Harry figured that could've been true… But Severus still chose to follow Dumbledore's orders
then stick up for Harry…

How can I trust him if he doesn't completely have my back? He'll only end up betraying me
or hurting me. Just like everyone else… Those thoughts were so loud in Harry's head and he
couldn't ignore them. He stubbornly shook his head at what Malfoy had said to him.

"Fine," Malfoy said with annoyance. "Don't believe me, but I do know Snape really does care
for you."

Harry only stubbornly shook his head again, his eyes watering just a bit. He avoided
Malfoy's searching gaze so that he wouldn't notice. Harry was still sort of in shock for how
much he' revealed to his old arch-enemy.

"Is that why you cut? Because those muggles had hurt you?" Malfoy asked.

Harry tugged down his sleeve, trying to hide the bandage with the healing cuts beneath them.

"Remember the day we were in the hospital wing? We'd formed a truce and I told you about
my friend Blaise cutting himself…"

Harry nodded, wondering where Malfoy was going with this.

"He didn't want me to tell anyone about it, but one day he had cut himself up pretty badly. I
had no choice… I told Snape and he helped Blaise. He made sure Blaise received the help he
needed to not cut anymore, now Blaise is doing better. The last time I spoke to him, he told
me that if it weren't for me and Snape, he was sure he would've been dead by now. Cutting
really is no joke, it's serious and dangerous and Snape knows what he's doing. You can trust
him, Potter, to help you with that at least."

"I don't know if I can."

"Just try, Potter!" Malfoy insisted. "I don't want you to end up almost killing yourself again.
I've never seen Severus so upset as when you were unconscious in the hospital wing."

"No, he wasn't," Harry protested with disbelief. "He was probably just disappointed that I
didn't die. Remember, he was only doing all of this because it's his job!"

"Well, that doesn't mean that he can't care as well! Potter, I'm swearing to you that I think he
might have cried when no one was watching," Draco said with a bit of amusement.

Harry smiled at that. "You're not helping your case. I'm never going to believe that!"

Then Harry finally looked up at Malfoy and instantly caught his eye, and he was shocked to
see that for once Malfoy's eyes weren't full of malice or hatred or jealousy or from
amusement at Harry's expense… Those weren't the eyes of Harry's arch-enemy, but of a
friend… Full of concern and patience and with a bit of warmth and amusement for trying to
cheer Harry up.

Malfoy got out of the desk chair and sat next to Harry again on the floor, gently picking up
Harry's arm and taking off the bandage to reveal the angry red wounds that were quickly
turning into fresh scars. If it were anyone else who'd done that, Harry would have been so
angry, he would've pushed them away, closed himself off from people he couldn't trust. But
for some reason, he didn't feel any of that with Malfoy and he didn't know why. It was just
something about his touch and it was softer than he'd ever thought it would be.

"I know why you cut yourself," Malfoy said softly, his cheeks growing pink.

Harry only kept his eyes on him, wondering what his theory may be.

"It's the only way to escape what you're feeling, the only way to control the pain you're
feeling inside. I admit, Potter, and no one knows this, I've often thought about it… One time I
was very close but I couldn't go through with it. I've never managed to cross that line."

Harry scoffed at that, "Draco Malfoy wanting to cut himself? You're the richest kid in
Hogwarts."

"And destined to walk alongside the Dark Lord and his Death Eaters, expected to follow in
my father's footsteps even if it's not what I want."

"You don't?" Harry asked with surprise. "But that's all you gloat about."

Malfoy shook his head. "At first, it's what I've thought I wanted, well more like what I was
brainwashed into believing what I wanted, but then I began to realize it wasn't… Being a
Death Eater is not what I want my life to be. I want to do something normal but exciting, like
a healer or maybe a famous quidditch player… And that is what made me get so close to
cutting, because the thought of disappointing my parents like that… Now it's all really just for
appearances. I can't have Slytherins thinking I've gone soft, I'll be eaten alive for sure. That's
why I'm so mean to everyone at school, it's just to protect the real me."

"Who cares what they think! Malfoy, if you really don't want to be on Voldemort's side, if you
don't want to be a Death Eater, then don't do it! It doesn't matter what your parents would
think or the other Slytherins or even Voldemort! It's your life!"

Malfoy shook his head. "It's not as easy as it sounds, Potter. It would mean me betraying him,
my family, everyone and I could end up dead, even my parents. No one escapes that life.
You're either a Death Eater or you're dead."

"It doesn't mean you shouldn't try. Dumbledore and the Order can protect you. You can hang
out with me and my friends at school, we'll keep you safe from the Slytherins. You can even
have my room while I'm at Gryffindor tower, if it keeps you safe."

"You'll really give up your room to me?" Malfoy asked softly.

"Yeah… We're friends, aren't we?" Harry asked hesitantly.

Malfoy looked back down at Harry's exposed arm and wrapped the bandages back up, hiding
the wounds. "I think we are."

Harry smiled, "Does that mean you'll think about what I've said?"

Malfoy regretfully shook his head. "How do you expect me to go to Dumbledore for help
when you can't even fully trust him yourself or Severus for that matter?"

Malfoy had a point, and so Harry didn't even bother arguing further on the subject.

"So…" Harry said casually, nudging him gently in the shoulder. "This is the real Draco
Malfoy, huh? Who knew he was an okay bloke all along?"

Malfoy smiled at Harry and it reached his eyes. He'd never looked at Harry that way before,
it was so weird, yet Harry liked it. It was way better than the coldness and malice he'd gotten
used to over the years.

And then Harry realized that sometime during their conversation, his body stopped shaking,
he stopped closing up and he could breathe normally again. Talking to Malfoy had somehow
stopped Harry from feeling so triggered and upset. He wondered if Malfoy knew what he had
just done for him.

"Thanks for stopping me from kicking down the door… Snape would've chopped me up for
potion ingredients if I had managed it."

Malfoy bursted into laughter at that. "Imagine, Potter! He would've ground you for weeks,
then I could just take your Firebolt!" He reached up and grabbed a pillow from the bed and
whacked Harry in the face with it.

"Ow! Hey! Don't you dare touch my Firebolt! It's not for slimy Slytherins!" Harry retorted
back after he'd recovered from the surprise hit.
It was clear that Malfoy didn't want to talk anymore, so Harry decided to play along with
him. He climbed up on the bed, grabbing his other pillow and hitting Malfoy with it, causing
a full-on war.

They ended up knocking over Harry's lantern. The crashing sound finally brought Snape
coming in, snapping at them to stop and making them clean Harry's room. Once he'd left,
they both made eye-contact as they were cleaning up and both busted out laughing again….

That memory meant so much to Harry, he hadn't realized until that moment that it was one of
the first conversations they'd shared together that was real. It was the moment that had
brought their truce to a friendship… There was no way that was all a lie, there was no way
Draco was pretending to be that sincere and concerned for him… There was no way.

Harry remembered when Severus first told him that Voldemort had a task for Draco. Is that
really why Draco was branded the mark, to ensure that he goes through with it? Draco had
slapped his hand to his forearm. Harry saw it with his own eyes. It was there, it had to be!
Was that why Draco was so stubborn in allowing Harry to get close? Now that he had the
dark mark, did Draco lose all hope, accepting his unwanted fate?

Harry wondered if Severus knew about Draco possibly being branded and was just lying to
Harry. It would explain why he wouldn't listen to Harry or even wanted to talk about it. He
hated that Severus was lying to him, telling him not to worry about anything…but how could
he believe that? When Draco was looking beyond stressed.

Severus was hiding something. Harry had known it for a while. There were moments during
the summer when Harry would catch him lost in his thoughts, worry and fear clouding his
gaze. And when Harry would ask him about it, Severus would reply with distant and vague
answers or would intentionally change the subject.

Harry just wanted Severus to tell him the truth. He was tired of being left in the dark about
anything that had to do with the war. Harry was the chosen one. In the end, it was going to be
him fighting Voldemort. His life was the one on the line and Harry felt like he had no control
at all because of it. Just Dumbledore's puppet… Harry wanted Severus to protect him from
that, to protect Draco from ruining his own life… But it was clear Severus was on
Dumbledore's side… This was why Harry couldn't trust adults… Harry never had control for
his own life around them… Harry needed control. He needed to cut to gain that control…
Just a bit….

And Harry continued scratching his arm hard… At least he was able to control the pain he
felt inside, turning it into a physical feeling….

Voices suddenly filled the corridor…

“We’ve been walking all over the castle all night, how’s your leg doing?”
“It’s great, good as new! I haven’t found myself needing the blasted cane for a few days
now.”

“Are you sure, Remus, you look like you're trying not to limp.”

“I’m fine, Tonks! Hey, do you want to go out with me and Vector to the Three Broomsticks
for drinks? It’s been a long time since I’ve had a good drink from Madam Rosmerta.”

“That sounds fun, count me in! ... Vector? Remus? Is that the Arithmancy Professor?”

“It’s not like that…”

“Harry?!” One of the voices rang loudly in the corridor, interrupting him from his thoughts,
pulling him from his trance. He looked up to see Remus with Tonks just behind him, their
wands out and lighting up the corridor.

"What are you doing here so late? Are you alright?" Remus asked with concern etched along
his face.

No… I'm not… Harry wanted to say, but he suddenly couldn't speak. He was looking down at
his scratched-up, bleeding arm in shock. When did he do this?! And guilt washed over him
and he couldn't look at Remus.

"Harry?" Tonks called out to him.

Harry flinched at the sound of her voice, and he just kept staring at his arm, the world felt
like it was suddenly slowing down. Now Tonks knew he was a freak. He didn't want her or
anyone to see him a mess like this.

"Remus, what's wrong with him?"

Remus was now kneeling down in front of Harry, his hazel eyes traveling from his face down
towards his scratched-up arm that Harry was covering with his hand, the blood underneath
making his fingers feel tacky. Remus kept his eyes there for several moments, as if he were
processing what he was seeing.

"Tonks, can you go and give our report to Dumbledore without me?"

"Are you sure? You don't need help?"

"Yeah, go on ahead. Dumbledore's expecting us now. And please, don't mention this to him."

Harry felt himself coming out of his shock. He was grateful for Remus saying that to
Tonks… The last thing he needed was Dumbledore knowing too and thinking Harry couldn't
handle the secret lessons. It wasn't even about that at all. And Harry was so embarrassed for
being found like this, he began to close himself up from Remus, mentally hiding behind his
brick wall. Safe and sound where adults couldn't pry.

And once Tonks' footsteps were no longer echoing in the corridor, did Remus finally speak
again.
"Cub, let's go to my quarters," Remus coaxed softly. His eyes were back on Harry's face. "We
can make some hot chocolate or tea if you like."

Harry didn't speak to him, his eyes still focused down on his scratched-up and bleeding arm.
He knew what Remus was doing. He was trying to find out why Harry was hurting himself,
and he just wanted to shout at him to leave him alone! Harry wanted to push Remus away
because it wasn't his business. It was no one's business! And he wished Severus and Remus
and even Draco never knew about his bad habit of self-harm, that way he could be left alone
in peace to cut…it was the only thing that helped.

But the warmth of hot chocolate in Remus' quarters sounded really great right now, like the
time they used to practice the Patronus Charm in his third year and talk about Harry's parents
after. Harry really did enjoy that time spent with Remus and he couldn't help but wish for it
back, when a simple Patronus Charm could solve all of his problems.

"Come on, Harry," Remus said again with a soft and patient voice.

Harry slowly raised his eyes to meet Remus who looked so worried for him, causing Harry to
feel bad for what he was thinking, for wanting to be left alone in peace to cut. Why was he
like this? So weak, giving into his bad habit… Aunt Petunia was right about him being
strange… No wonder the Dursleys hated him.

"Harry, come on, before anyone else passes by. I know you wouldn't feel comfortable with
that."

And that brought Harry back to his senses. Rumors spreaded around Hogwarts like wildfire.
The last thing he needed was the whole school knowing he was a freak that cuts himself.
Harry nodded, slowly standing back up, his back protesting his every move from being
slammed against the wall.

Remus led him back to his quarters, Harry didn't say a word the entire time. He just followed
the werewolf, feeling so lowly of himself, feeling so hurt with what Draco had told him,
feeling sick of Severus and Dumbledore and their secrets. Harry was just sick and tired of it
all. He began to rub at his arms again, pressing his nails hard against his skin, the burning
pain from his wounds soothed his anxieties a bit and he felt so bad for giving into it,
especially after he'd promised Severus that he was going to try and stop, but how could he
ever think of not hurting himself anymore when it was the only thing that helped, that
grounded him, that he could control?

Harry dug his nails deeper into his skin, he couldn't stop, even with Remus walking right in
front of him. Blood welled up from his deep scratches again, trailing down along his arms.

Then suddenly Remus stopped, as if he'd caught the scent of blood. He whipped around and
hands were suddenly pulling Harry's nails away from his skin. "Harry!"

Harry flinched violently away. "Don't touch me!" His body was shaking hard. He couldn't
stand being touched right now. He couldn't help but remember the pain from Uncle Vernon's
punishments… The pain of Aunt Petunia always smacking him in the head or the face
whenever he annoyed her… The pain of Dudley and his gang bullying Harry when no one
was looking.

But Remus held onto Harry's hands tightly. He was stronger than Severus due to his werewolf
strength and Harry couldn't pull himself away from him.

"Harry, stop! I'm not letting you go. Try pushing me away all you want, but I'm not letting
you hurt yourself in the middle of the corridor!"

"Let go of me!" Harry cried, not listening to a word Remus had said to him, twisting himself
away from Remus, trying his hardest to escape the werewolf's grasp.

He began to feel his chest starting to tighten, his breaths coming out heavy and short. A panic
attack was coming and Harry just wanted Severus…he wanted his dad…but they were still
fighting. Harry couldn't trust Severus and it broke him deep inside over and over again every
time he thought about it, everytime he wanted to go to Severus but felt like he couldn't,
making Harry feel so angry in that moment, that before he could stop himself, he started
hitting Remus in the chest, trying to push him away...clawing at his hands and arms, his nails
digging into Remus' skin to get him to let go.

"Let go of me!" Harry shouted again, his voice echoing in the empty dark corridor.

Remus didn't say anything more, just held him until Harry grew tired of fighting. He held him
until Harry broke down into gut-wrenching sobs and buried his face into Remus' robes,
feeling Remus' fast heartbeat thumping in his chest. The rhythm began to calm Harry down
until there were no more tears and he was able to take a deep breath.

"It's alright, cub, it's okay… I'm here… I'm here… I'm sorry for grabbing you like that… I'm
sorry. It's okay you are safe," Remus kept whispering to him repeatedly. Harry only clung
onto Remus, his heartbeat making him feel safe.

"Come on, my quarters are just down the hall…"

Once they were inside Remus' quarters, Remus had Harry sit down on the sofa in the living
room. Harry was silent and he kept his eyes away from the werewolf, feeling more ashamed
and a freak more than ever before.

Remus disappeared to the kitchen, then came back out with a steaming mug of hot chocolate
topped with marshmallows. Harry took the cup in his hands, breathing in the chocolatey
aroma before setting it down gently on the coffee table.

"Let me see your arm," Remus said as he sat on the coffee table, careful of the mug, facing
Harry.

Harry shook his head and pulled his bleeding arm close to his chest, not wanting Remus to
heal it and erase away the only thing that was making him feel better.

"Harry," Remus said his name with a stern voice. "I could call Severus, would you want me
to?"
Harry sighed with annoyance and defeat and thrusted out his arm to him.

Remus summoned a first-aid kit, almost like the one Severus kept in his quarters. He took
Harry's arm in one hand and began to clean up the blood and disinfect the wounds. He then
pointed the tip of his wand to each deep scratch and muttered a healing spell. With
disappointment, Harry watched the deep scratches close up until there was nothing left.

"What happened, cub?" Remus asked, his eyes and his voice filled with concern as he finally
let go of Harry who drew his arm quickly back, holding it protectively to his chest. "Come
on, look at me… It's just you and me here."

Harry stubbornly kept his eyes away.

"If you need some time to come out behind that wall of yours, then that's fine. We can sit here
all night if you need to…" Remus leaned his elbows onto his knees, leaning forward, making
himself a bit more comfortable.

After a long moment, Harry finally snuck a quick glance at Remus then looked back down at
his lap. Remus didn't look good. Harry noticed the bags under his eyes, the paleness of his
skin and how thin his frame was underneath his worn-out robes. Remus looked tired, as if he
hadn't been eating or sleeping lately.

Harry wondered if this was because of what he went through during the summer, and he
realized that Remus had his own stuff that he was going through right now, and probably had
better things to do than sit here all night with him. Harry instantly felt bad for hitting him, for
acting crazy and disrespectful towards Remus who was only trying to help him.

And with that thought, Harry finally found the courage to pull himself out of his wall and
whisper with a shaking voice, "I'm sorry, Remus… I'm sorry for acting bloody insane and
hitting you and for being so messed up, for being a freak… I'm sorry…"

Harry could feel Remus looking at his face, trying to catch his eye.

"No, don't apologize for any of that. You're not a freak, you're not mad, you're okay…"

Harry closed up again, still looking down, his cheeks red from embarrassment, still clutching
his arm tightly to his chest…his body was still trembling…and he wished for it to stop.

"Look at me, cub… Can you please look at me."

Harry slowly lifted his gaze, his eyes finally meeting Remus'. Harry had expected to see
disappointment, but no, there was only love and concern. It was always weird to see someone
showing those emotions towards him, he could never get used to it. It was a look that Harry
had never known as a child, growing up with the Dursleys. And it just made him feel more
terrible and ashamed for acting out, for hurting Remus when he was only trying to help.

"Harry, you are not a freak, you are not mad, you aren't some messed-up, good for nothing
teenager. You are a wonderful person who is brave and good and talented in quidditch and in
Defense. You have a good heart, Harry, who would do anything for your friends and the
people you love… You are good, Harry. Don't ever think so lowly of yourself, you're more
than what you think of yourself. I just wish you could see that."

Harry only shook his head. He doesn't understand! And he suddenly had to tell Remus why
he was feeling so wretched.

"Severus is bloody pissed at me! I was so rude to him in class," Harry finally bursted out.
"He's keeping secrets from me and he keeps telling me to not worry about Draco, but how
can I not? Draco needs help, and Severus and Dumbledore won't tell me what is going on. I'm
just always left in the dark and I don't even know if I can trust Severus anymore and that just
fucking hurts, Remus!"

"You know Severus is doing the best he can. It's not up to him to reveal information without
Dumbledore's approval. We're in the middle of war, don't forget that… I know it's hard, but
you have to try and trust him."

"Do you trust him?" Harry couldn't help but ask, the fear and the doubt that Draco had said to
him about Severus had planted itself into his mind, and he hated that Draco was the one who
had buried it there. "He said he is a spy for our side, but what if he isn't? What if he's
deceiving us all?"

"I do trust him," Remus said. "And if you can't trust Severus, then trust me."

Harry suddenly sniffed, feeling his eyes sting a bit, but he didn't let himself cry.

"Everything is going to be okay. Right now, everything seems uncertain. You're just lost right
now, cub…unsure of who to trust, but don't you worry…everything will soon come clear to
you in the end. This war can't last, and I know we'll win, we just have to have faith."

Harry didn't say anything, just thought about what Remus had said.

"Harry?"

Harry looked at Remus whose calm voice and sincere manner was calming Harry down. He
couldn't help but feel the sparks of trust for Remus began to bloom, even though every
instinct inside him was telling him not to.

"Can you tell me what you were doing out in the corridor by yourself?"

Harry shook his head.

"Tell me, please," Remus sternly insisted.

"I was trying to talk to Draco," Harry sighed, leaving out that he was really returning from
Dumbledore's office and had unintentionally run into the Slytherin.

"What happened?"

"Over the summer, we'd formed a truce and then we just became friends somehow. Then he
had to go back to his mother. He promised we'll still be friends, no matter what…even if he
had to act like his old self around me… Then I found Draco in the corridor and he was so
different… We were alone, he could've dropped the act, but he didn't. I think he was really
telling me to leave him alone, that our friendship was really over… I think Draco was doing
it to push me away because he has the dark mark now."

"Why do you believe Draco Malfoy has the dark mark?" Remus asked.

"In Diagon Alley, he was mad at Madam Malkin for touching his arm. I also confronted him
about it just now and he slapped his hand to that same arm! I know he has a task to complete
for Voldemort and I think something happened to him after he left us… I think he was
branded the mark. And I've been trying to figure it out…trying to see if he was just acting the
part or he was being real on the train…he wouldn't talk to me… And before you came, we
ended up arguing again and he knocked me into the wall."

"And that is the second time Malfoy hurts you," Remus observed.

Harry only shrugged.

"This has to stop. You have to stay away from him. Like I've said before, I know you can't
completely trust Severus and Dumbledore on this, but you've gotta try. They know what
they're doing."

Harry sighed with frustration. Why did he even bother? He kept getting the same unwanted
answer from Remus… But after what happened tonight between him and Draco, maybe
Remus was right… All Harry had done was push Draco further away.

"Aside from the dark mark, have you thought about any other reasons why Draco might be
pushing you away?" Remus asked.

"I think it's made him give up. I think he wasn't expecting to be branded until after his task so
he probably still had hope that it wouldn't happen, that he could find a way out of it. But
receiving the mark now, I bet it trapped Draco into it. He told me that once you're branded
there’s never getting out of Voldemort's circle. I think Draco lost all hope and he's given up,
accepting his future to be a Death Eater. That's why I'm fighting so hard to help him, to give
him back hope that it's not over yet. I know him, Remus, this isn't what he wants."

"That may be a factor, I think you are on to something, Harry, and the best you can do is just
tell that to Severus and let him handle the rest."

Harry scowled at that. "You're taking his side."

"No, I am not. I'm only giving you my best advice."

Remus leaned a bit forward and lifted Harry's chin up, forcing his gaze back on him. Harry
flinched a bit, but Remus didn't acknowledge it.

"Listen to me, Harry, please… Draco might be pushing you away to protect you as well.
From what you've told me, how close you two were, it sounds like he's giving it his all to
push you away because he knows you won't back down without a fight. He must think that
the only way to protect you is to revert back to his old treatment of you. Don't worry, the
Draco you know is still there… But you must step back, give him space, you're not the only
one watching him. That's why I keep telling you to trust us. Trust Dumbledore, trust
Severus…and if you can't, then trust me."

Remus then drew his hand away, his hazel eyes observing Harry on how he was processing
his advice.

"Remus… I can't just sit back and watch him go down that path without doing anything to
help!"

"That's the most essential thing you can do for us. You can track his whereabouts, see who
he's hanging out with. You have the map, Harry, use it. Watch him and if there's trouble,
come to me right away and I will help you in any way I can."

Harry nodded, sort of liking the sound of that. It was way better than no help at all.

"Just remember, don't spend every waking moment watching him. I don't want you to forget
to live, don't forget your lessons, and if there is anything strange going on, don't do anything
without telling me first."

Harry hesitated on that, but eventually relented. "Okay," he agreed.

He finally released his arm from his chest, stretching a bit then leant forward to pick up his
cooled hot chocolate. "This is delicious!" Harry praised with delight, the warmth and flavor
instantly making him feel a hundred times better.

Remus smiled at that, watching Harry enjoy his drink.

"What were you and Tonks doing in the corridor anyway?"

"Guard duty. Dumbledore's orders to have extra protection now. Tonight was mine and Tonks'
night. We were heading to Dumbledore to give our report when we came across you."

"Oh, I would've thought maybe you and Severus would partner up… Aren't you two friends
now? Or were? What's going on with you guys?"

Remus' smile instantly vanished. "We are still friends… We just had a disagreement of
sorts…" he said quietly, not giving away anything else and Harry noticed a hint of a blush
creeping up on Remus' cheeks.

"Well, you should make things right, he's been in a bloody temper lately. Maybe if you two
are on speaking terms again then he'll lay off us during lessons."

Remus raised an eyebrow. "I'll talk to him if you also do the same."

Harry groaned, "Do I have to?"

Remus only continued staring at him with a pointed look.

"Okay, fine…" Harry groaned again.

"Now that's settled, it's getting late. I'll walk you to your dormitory." The werewolf suddenly
stood up and made his way to the door.

Harry finished his hot chocolate and followed Remus out of his office. He felt better now, the
talk they had and the warm chocolate really lifted his mood and brought him back to his
senses. He couldn't believe he scratched up his arm again, he didn't want to think about what
would've happened if Remus hadn't shown up.

Not much was said as they walked through the corridors of the castle. Harry didn't mind it, it
gave him a chance to go over what Remus told him.

Slightly limping, Remus seemed to be lost in thought as well. The werewolf turned his gaze
on Harry. "You know, I'm obligated to tell Severus what happened tonight, as he's your
guardian."

"I understand," Harry muttered, his stomach clenching with dread as he thought about the
lecture he was sure to get. "He's going to be mad."

"He's always grumpy about something, aren't you used to his temper by now?" Remus
chuckled, causing Harry to laugh softly as well, making him feel a little better.

Once they'd reached the portrait of the fat lady, Remus put a hand on Harry's shoulder and
turned him around.

Harry stiffened at the touch, but forced himself to relax. It was only Remus.

"Can I trust you not to hurt yourself again tonight?"

Harry met his concerned hazel gaze, feeling so bad for the way he had acted, yet grateful
Remus was there to help him, and for that, Harry knew he'll be okay tonight.

"Yeah, I'm fine now."

"Good, can I give you a hug?"

Harry nodded.

Remus pulled him into a bear hug. "I love you, cub. Remember, if you feel like you must hurt
yourself again, come to me. I don't care if I'm busy or in the middle of a lesson or a meeting
with Dumbledore, just come to me. I will drop everything for you."

Harry didn't respond, he only hugged the werewolf tighter, breathing in the scent of hot
chocolate on his robes, instantly bringing Harry comfort. And trust washed over him,
surprising him… Whatever misgivings Harry previously had against Remus disappeared. He
suddenly realized how much Remus meant to him, how much he would feel if he would ever
lose him. Maybe…as much as a parent would mean to him…maybe just like what Harry felt
with Severus… And that meant so much to Harry, and he knew that the next time he would
find himself hurting himself that dramatically again, that he would definitely go to Remus for
help.

"Goodnight, Remus, thank you for everything," he said softly, stepping away.

"Goodnight, cub."

Harry stepped through the portrait door with the sounds of Remus' footsteps fading away.
 Memories
Chapter Summary

Thank you everyone for still reading! And happy Sunday! next update will be by next
Sunday!

Chapter Five - Memories

As soon as the portrait door of the fat lady shut behind Harry, Remus turned and left towards
the direction of the dungeons. His leg was starting to ache from over use during the day,
especially after his tussle with Harry in the corridor. Maybe he should've brought his cane,
but it was too late now. He was already determined to get to the only person that could help
his cub.

Just as Remus reached the dungeons, the air instantly turned icy-cold and the lighting from
the sconces on the walls were way dimmer from the upper floors of the castle.

Remus wondered if Tonks was able to successfully give their report to Dumbledore. There
wasn't much to give. Everything had been quiet tonight, except for when they found Harry on
the seventh floor corridor, alone and shaking and scratching himself. He couldn't help but
wonder what would've happened if they hadn't found Harry... It was very lucky that it was
their night to guard the castle, if it had been anyone else… Remus pushed those thoughts
away.

He finally reached the portrait door to Severus' quarters. This late at night, he was sure
Severus was already in bed and he wondered if Severus would welcome Remus' sudden
intrusion. Remus suddenly felt himself consumed by nerves, causing his hands to shake and
he stuffed them into the pockets of his threadbare earthy-brown robes. He felt himself
blushing, his cheeks burning as he remembered the last time he was here. The way he'd
pushed Severus away and how he'd been avoiding him ever since. Severus didn't even try to
seek him out either, just sent him a couple of glares across the staff table everytime he would
find Remus sitting next to Professor Vector during meal times.

Remus really did not blame Severus if he started hating him again, after all he knew Severus
had just been trying to help him that night, trying to encourage him to talk about the
depression Remus was currently going through. And Remus had behaved like a fool, pushing
Severus away mentally and physically in his own quarters. They were supposed to be friends,
that was what they both agreed on and friends talked about personal stuff like that. Severus
was just trying to be his friend and Remus couldn't open up to him. Severus really did have a
right to be angry at him. If the roles were switched, Remus knew his feelings would be hurt
as well.
Remus took a deep breath and knocked to alert his presence, then said the password. He had
to suck up his embarrassment and pride and end this stupid argument for Harry's sake.

The portrait door opened and Remus entered Severus' quarters, thoroughly feeling like he
was going to be sick, thoroughly fighting himself from just turning around and leaving before
Severus saw him.

All of the lanterns were dimmed and the fireplace was roaring, giving warmth to the chilly
dungeons. The sitting room was empty and so was the kitchen. Remus felt his stomach
clench tighter with nerves, wondering again if he should be doing this. If Severus casted him
away, he would just die inside with humiliation. He wondered where Severus even was, then
he noticed his bedroom door slightly ajar. Maybe he should come back another time… He
didn't want to disturb Severus if he were sleeping. The Potions Master was known for a quick
and fierce temper with little to no patience…and it was so late. Remus crept towards the door,
placing his hand on the door handle, still very unsure of what he should do until he saw the
red handprints and scratches Harry had left on him from their skirmish, instantly reminding
Remus why he was here.

Remus knocked, calling Severus' name but there was no answer and so he opened the door
and to his surprise, the bedroom was empty. Remus looked around the room, at the carefully
made bed, the shelves aligned with potions, books and jars. The desk was piled with
parchment and more books. The door to the connecting bathroom was open and the room
inside was dark. Near the window there was another slightly opened door, curious at what it
may lead to, Remus crossed the room in a few strides and pushed it open.

The room was dark except for a bright-green glow and the air was thick and heavy with
smoke. Within the shadows of the room, Remus could see the silhouette of the man he was
trying to find… Severus Snape, who was carefully throwing ingredients inside a steaming
cauldron, the flames underneath were tinted green. Thick smoke was swirling around Severus
as he softly chanted a spell. Remus, unnoticed by him, decided not to say anything and just
watch him for a while. Potions was always Remus' most difficult class when he had attended
Hogwarts as a student, and he was full of wonder as he watched Severus brew so easily as if
this art was a part of his soul. It was something he was meant to do, like teaching was Remus'
own path.

It wasn't long until Severus stopped chanting. He then waved his wand in a complicated-
looking manner then stirred the potion one last time before lowering the flames, leaving the
potion to a simmer. He then finally and slowly turned his gaze to Remus who was still
standing by the door. Severus didn't seem startled by Remus' sudden appearance or annoyed,
his obsidian eyes were only soft with concern as he looked at him.

"Would you care for a cup of tea?" Severus said in a soft and friendly voice.

It was far different from what Remus was expecting before he had found him. There was no
trace of anger or annoyance, only warmth and concern for a friend, and that made Remus feel
even more guilty for pushing Severus away that night.

"I would love one," Remus said softly, suddenly very shy to meet Severus' dark gaze.
Severus was suddenly very close to him, causing Remus' heart rate to speed up. He could
suddenly smell the herbs that were just used in the potion he'd finished brewing. Remus
swallowed, still looking down, loss for words, his hands shaking… They had agreed to be
friends… Remus had to remind himself of that because suddenly he wanted to meet Severus'
eyes and kiss those soft-looking lips. His cheeks blushed again when he remembered what it
felt like to be kissed by them… We're only friends…nothing more… Remus pushed all of
those thoughts on kissing out of his mind before he ended up doing anything stupid.

Without warning, Severus' hand closed over his own, causing Remus to stiffen with surprise.
He finally found the courage to look up and instantly met Severus' eyes. No words were
exchanged as they stared at each other for a couple of seconds, trapped in each other's gazes.

"We have a lot to talk about," Severus finally said.

And with those words, Remus was instantly reminded of what had happened with Harry just
moments ago. He snapped out of his daze and replied, "Yes, I believe we do."

They found themselves in the kitchen, sitting at the table. The kettle was on the stove heating
up the water for their tea.

"Severus, before we start talking about other things, I need to tell you about what just
happened with Harry, it's why I'm here so late, I hope you forgive me for this sudden
intrusion," Remus said.

Severus' eyes widened at the sudden mention of his adopted son. "What happened?"

Remus explained to Severus how he and Tonks were finishing up their rounds and heading to
Dumbledore's office to give their report when they found Harry hiding in the corridor, clearly
upset and scratching at his arm. How Remus asked Tonks to leave him with Harry and to not
say a word about this to anyone, especially Dumbledore. How he and Harry were walking to
his quarters and the skirmish they ended up having until Remus managed to calm Harry
down, followed by the talk they shared.

Severus had listened to all of this with horror and as soon as Remus was done, he stood out of
his chair, leaving the kitchen and grabbing the floo powder from the mantel.

"Severus?!" Remus said with alarm. "Where are you going?" Remus followed after him, his
leg had stiffened up while he was sitting, forcing him to limp after Severus.

"Severus, stop!" Remus shouted.

Severus turned around and grabbed Remus' wrist, noticing for the first time his scratched-up
skin from Harry trying to break loose from Remus' grasp.

"Did Harry do this to you?" he asked with alarm.

Remus pulled his arm away. "Yes but, Severus, it's fine!"

"Gryffindor tower!" Severus shouted, and before Remus could stop him Severus disappeared
into the green flames.

Remus cursed under his breath, praying the Gryffindors were all asleep at this late hour as he
followed after Severus.

Remus found him in front of the sixth year's dormitory door.

"Severus," Remus whispered. "This is a bad idea."

"I just have to see him," Severus whispered. He held up Remus' scratched-up arm again.
"And this is unacceptable!"

Remus tugged his arm away, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "It was an accident. Harry
didn't realize what he was doing. Severus, I told you I've talked to him, he's okay for the
night."

Severus frowned, "I just need to see for myself that he's okay."

Remus sighed in defeat and nodded his chin towards the door. "Fine, go on then, open the
door, but if those boys are awake you're on your own with explaining yourself."

Severus opened the door gently, luckily everyone was sound asleep. Remus leaned against
the doorway watching as Severus sat down on Harry's bed. He watched the sleeping teenager
for a few moments before brushing the hair out of Harry's closed eyes. They fluttered open,
staring at Severus with sleepy green eyes.

"I'm sorry, dad," Harry whispered as Severus examined his scarred-up arm.

"Shh, it's okay kid, we'll talk about it in the morning. I just wanted to see if you were okay."

"I'm okay," Harry whispered, his eyes closing again.

Severus responded with only a small close-lipped smile filled with concern.

Remus quietly walked over to him, placing a hand on his shoulder. Harry was fast asleep
again.

"Let's go before we wake anyone," Remus whispered.

Severus nodded before getting up and following Remus out of Gryffindor tower.

This time they walked back instead of using the floo. It was so quiet between them, but not in
a tense or awkward way. Remus could see Severus was lost in his thoughts. Remus reached
out and grabbed his hand to show his support. Severus quickly glanced at him, tightening his
grip, then settled his gaze straight ahead again as they kept walking.

"We'll help Harry through this," Remus said. "He's not as alone as he thinks he is. He has us."
It was like a perfect fit. Severus' hand felt cool and soft intertwined with Remus' fingers. He
tried to focus on their conversation and not on how good it felt to be holding Severus' hand.

"You're the only one I trust with Harry," Severus answered. "I want you to take care of him if
anything happens to me, take him, don't let the Ministry take control of Harry."

Remus looked at Severus with concern and confusion at his strange plea. "You're so sure
something is going to happen to you…"

Severus turned his focus back on Remus and snapped with impatience, "I'm not sure of
anything these days, I just want to be prepared!"

After that, Severus kept his eyes straight ahead again, away from Remus' searching gaze. He
wouldn't reveal anymore and it seemed as if he just wanted the subject to drop. Severus'
words were final, if anything should happen to him, Remus was next in line to take care of
Harry.

Remus frowned, turning his gaze away from Severus, wondering if Harry was right to
mistrust him. Was he hiding something about the war he couldn't reveal? Whatever it was,
Remus hoped it was in the best interest to protect Harry and nothing more. And he decided to
not press on any further for answers he knew he wasn't going to receive, so Remus continued
walking besides Severus in silence, focusing on hiding his limp and trying not to think how
holding hands wasn't what friends do.

They made it back to his quarters without any mishaps. The walk through the castle had
calmed Severus down. The anger mixed with concern and fear for Harry losing control on his
self-harm tonight and hurting Remus had faded away. Severus knew Harry couldn't help it, he
knew Harry hadn't meant to hurt Remus. Severus knew his kid has been under a lot of stress
lately, he could see it. The boy was tired, and the fact that he had his first secret lesson with
Albus, that Severus and Harry hadn't been speaking to each other lately, had probably set his
anxiety over the edge. It was time to change things between them, because Severus knew this
situation tonight could've been much worse. They were lucky Remus was walking the castle
corridors tonight and had found Harry.

Once the door shut behind them, Severus regretfully tore his hand away from Remus' and
went straight to the kitchen and removed the whistling kettle from the burner, shutting off the
flames. He then walked back to Remus who was still standing in front of the portrait door. He
gently held Remus' arm again, examining the bruised fingerprints and scratches.

Trying not to think how Remus grabbed his hand during their walk back to his quarters,
slender and cold fingers intertwining with his, making his breath hitch a bit and how he could
barely even focus on the brief conversation they had. Friends don't hold hands. Severus was
sure of it but when Remus did it, it helped his worries for Harry fade a bit. And Severus knew
that was all Remus was trying to do, to show his support and it worked, but it was at the
expense of Severus' heart speeding up and wanting to just melt into a puddle.

"I apologize for Harry's actions towards you tonight," Severus managed to say, shoving all
thoughts away on what it was like to hold Remus' hand. He examined Remus' other
scratched-up and bruised arm as well.

Remus was frowning at his slight injuries. "There's no need, Harry was hurting. I'm just glad
I was able to be there for him tonight."

"That's no excuse to be hurting others. I'm going to talk to him about this. Stay here, wolf,"
Severus muttered as he went into Harry's bathroom to retrieve the first-aid kit.

Severus returned to find an empty living room.

"Where the hell is that blasted werewolf? I was only gone for a moment…" Severus muttered
under his breath.

He checked the kitchen. No sign of Remus anywhere. He then checked his bedroom and
found the wolf in front of his bookcase reading the titles of his books. Severus stepped inside,
annoyed that Remus had just intruded into his private rooms without permission. Severus bit
back a stinging comment, he didn't want to start another fight between them.

He stood in the doorway, not wanting to alert Remus of his presence yet. Severus wanted to
try and see his room through Remus' eyes. He wondered what Remus was seeing, what he
was thinking? It was strange how Severus used to hate this man standing before him and now
here they were, in Severus' bedroom. And Remus was here, looking at his things, reading the
titles of the books on his bookcases.

Severus cleared his throat. "Most of those books were my mother's. They are a bit outdated
I'm afraid."

Remus glanced at him with a close-lipped smile but he didn't say anything, he just continued
to examine the books. Then looked at Severus' desk, the shelves with potions and jars and
various items. He then headed towards Severus' bed, and Severus noticed him favoring his
bad leg. Severus frowned at that but didn't say a word about it. Just watched Remus as he sat
on the bed, looking around the room. Remus didn't speak, just kept looking at Severus with
those eyes that made his legs go numb and his stomach to twinge a bit. Remus then turned his
attention to Severus' books on the nightstand.

"May I?"

Severus nodded and watched as Remus lifted a book, carefully flipping through the pages.

"I forgot how much of a book nerd you were when we were at school," Severus said,
wondering why he was feeling so nervous with Remus sitting on his bed, looking at his
things, touching his books. No one has ever been in here before, not even Harry. It was as if
Remus was searching for clues to who Severus really was. He wondered what Remus would
find, and if he would like it.

"I used to hide behind them…" Remus said softly. He closed the book and gently placed it
back on the nightstand. Severus watched as he picked up another one, reading the pages that
were marked.
"I barely remember the boy I was before getting bit. It is like my life was split in two that
very moment Greyback's fangs sunk into my flesh. The boy I was before and the boy I
became after."

Severus didn't say anything, he let Remus continue.

"And the thing that attached itself to my soul, it was the only thing my father saw in me."
Remus looked at the first-aid kit in Severus' hands.

"I don't need you to treat the scratches Harry gave me, they'll heal on their own soon enough.
That should be enough proof that I'm not like you or Harry. You shouldn't leave him in my
care. I'm a werewolf, that's all they see, and that will be enough for them to keep him away
from me."

"You're not just a werewolf," Severus said.

Remus shook his head. "That's all I am, Severus, that's all they see," he said. "You've seen me
in my wolf form more than once. The first time, I've almost killed you. The second time, you
saw me lose control and fight like the monster I am. You stopped me from killing Greyback. I
hate to think what might've happened if you weren't there. You've seen the destruction I can
do. Why are you not afraid of me? How can you trust me with your son?"

"Because he is like a son to you too. You're the only one that sees Harry for who he is, not
just some pawn in this war, not just a famous name. You see Harry and you care for him as if
he were your own. He is part of your pack. The wolf will never hurt him."

"How could you be so sure of that?" The words came out in a soft whisper.

Remus stared down at the book, his eyes suddenly clouding a bit with self-hatred and doubt.
Severus closed the short distance between them until he was standing in front of him and
tugged the book out of his hands, placing it back on the nightstand.

"He should've gone to you after they died. He should've gone to you," Severus said softly.

"And what if he did? A werewolf raising an infant?" Remus shook his head with disgust.

Severus placed the first-aid kit on the night stand and opened a salve, taking Remus'
scratched but already healing arms into his hands and rubbed the salve into them.

"Just to keep it clean," he said at Remus' exasperated look.

When Severus was done, he put the salve away, wiping his hands clean with a hand towel.

"Come, we have tea waiting for us."

"Severus...it's getting late. Maybe I should head back to my quarters."

"I'm not taking no for an answer," Severus snapped and left the room, hoping the wolf would
follow him.
.

They found themselves in the living room this time, sipping at the steaming herbal tea. The
warm flames dancing in the fireplace was the only sound in the room until Remus finally
broke their sudden awkward silence by speaking first.

"Forgive me, Severus, the way I walked out of here last time, there is no excuse. I knew you
were only trying to help, and I was so rude…" Remus said, looking down at his tea and
taking a tentative sip.

"I accept your apology," Severus replied. "And I'm also apologizing for pushing you when
you clearly told me you didn't want to talk about it. I just wanted to help you… You're
walking around looking completely exhausted, you haven't been sleeping… You're tired,
Remus, don't deny it and everytime I or anyone else speaks to you, it mostly seems as if your
mind is somewhere else these days… I know it's from what happened over the summer.
You've told me pieces of it, moments, but it isn't enough… You can't bottle it all inside and
forget about it… Talk to me about it, maybe it can help you… We're friends, are we not?"

Remus looked at Severus as he spoke, and it seemed as if his hazel eyes were searching for
something in Severus that he couldn't begin to guess at. It made him grow a bit bashful, his
hands starting to sweat a bit from being under the scrutiny of those enchanting eyes.

Remus didn't know, but Severus had seen some of his memories. He had seen images of what
Greyback had done, what he'd made Remus do. Remus didn't remember how Severus had to
pull him out of his memories, and he didn't want to reveal it now. Severus wanted Remus to
find the courage to talk to him himself.

And so Severus waited, but it seemed as if Remus wasn't able to speak anymore without
more encouragement. He glanced at Remus who now had his eyes focused on the dancing
flames. Severus wondered what he was thinking about…and so he continued…hoping to find
out… "You've asked me why I wasn't afraid of you. I used to be. That's why I hated you so
much after that night I found out the truth about you. I was afraid because I didn't understand
you. People are afraid of what they don't understand. They only believe what they want to
believe and that is werewolves being monsters. Just because you're a wolf during every full-
moon, doesn't make you a monster."

"Severus, I had nothing to do with that prank, it was all Sirius."

Finally, Severus got Remus to start speaking.

"I know, Remus, I know you had nothing to do with it. I've grown a lot since that night and
I've learned to accept the truth I refused to see for years. Any guilt you have towards that
night, I want you to let it go. The only one guilty was Black. You were a victim just as much
as I, do you understand?"

Remus nodded, sipping his tea.

"I want you to see that you were also a victim to Greyback this summer. What had happened
to you wasn't your fault. Whatever he made you do, you had no control over it. He hurt you,
he made you believe you were just like him, but you are not. You are not a monster."

Remus didn't respond to that, he just seemed so far away… Severus could see the raw pain on
Remus' face, the depression he was quietly suffering with. And it hurt Severus to see Remus
so broken like this. He wished he could just reach out to Remus and hold him close, but he
couldn't… He was sure it would just make things awkward between them.

Severus did not say anymore, he waited patiently as he sipped his own tea, only to do
something with his hands. He wanted Remus to be the one to say something next. He wanted
him to talk without Severus prompting him towards a subject this time, because doing that
didn't really work. He was only able to get one sentence out of Remus.

And just when Severus was about to call it quits and come up with another subject to discuss,
Remus placed his mug on the table and he turned himself towards Severus who suddenly
couldn't escape his eyes.

Remus nervously swallowed, then spoke with a shaky small voice, "I know I've told you a
little about what I've gone through with Greyback, you know a bit of what they've done to
me, how I tried to fight back but I wasn't strong enough. There were days when I thought it
was the end. Just lying there in that cellar, hoping someone would find me, trying so hard to
hold on to that hope. I used to repeat to myself that someone was coming, over and over until
it became harder each day to say it…" Remus' voice was cracking with raw pain as he spoke.
"Until I couldn't anymore, until I couldn't even believe it anymore. One day I woke up and I
couldn't recognize myself… It felt like I was trapped in this world where nothing before that
time mattered or even existed, the life I lived, the school I went to, the friends I had, even
Harry didn't seem to exist… It was only that cellar, the pain, the smell and that desperate
thirst for water…and Kaylie…"

And Remus stopped, suddenly leaning forward and covering his face in his hands. His body
was shaking harder than ever. And Severus knew he couldn't go on anymore, it was hurting
too much. He decided to reassure Remus, to keep the conversation going.

"The young girl that was brought here with you? Her death… It wasn't your fault…" but his
words were lost on the werewolf who shook his head, refusing to believe Severus'
reassurances.

"They made me do it," Remus' voice broke. "I had no choice. I wasn't strong enough to fight
back… They made me do it… You must understand…"

Remus suddenly lifted his head, moving his hands away from his face. His hazel eyes were
now flecked with gold. His face tinged with green as if he were about to be sick.

"It's hard to describe what I'm talking about... I need you to see, so you can understand..."

"Remus, I prefer you just telling me. I don't want to intrude on memories that are personal to
you," Severus said with hesitation.
"No, Severus, I need you to see, so you understand that I didn't have a choice. I didn't want to
hurt them. I need you to see!"

Remus' eyes were now blazing with amber, they were stubborn and swirling with an
overwhelming amount of pain and desperation as they connected with Severus' own and he
knew what Remus couldn't bring himself to say.

"You don't need to convince me that you are not a monster…" Severus said.

"Just let me show you," Remus pleaded. "You said you wanted to help me, this is it,
Severus…"

Severus sighed in defeat. Blasted, stubborn werewolf, he thought.

"Okay, just look at me. Think of only what you want to show me. I'm going to use
Legilimency on you. Is that okay?"

Remus nodded.

"Are you ready?"

Remus kept his eye contact with Severus, his voice filled with determination, "Yes."

Severus held out his wand and he whispered, "Legilimens."

And Severus was pulled into the memory of the day Remus had lost all hope, when he lost
the assurance that he was more than a werewolf, that he was human. Severus watched as they
drugged Remus and forced him to fight and kill werewolf children… Severus watched
Remus fighting the young girl, Kaylie… Severus could feel the hurt, pain and guilt that
Remus felt towards her death, and the memories suddenly switched to nightmares of a forest
filled with fear and darkness and loss and desperation to find a source of light, of the ghost of
Kaylie whispering to Remus, haunting his dreams… No wonder Remus couldn't sleep these
days.

Once Severus had enough, he pulled himself out of Remus' memories. He stared at those
amber-flecked eyes. The wolf was showing itself in Remus' eyes and this time Severus was
not afraid of the wolf. The wolf wasn't a monster, just a part of Remus, and Severus wished
so very much that Remus could see that. Severus hated what Greyback did to him, he hated
what Remus had been forced to do and the way he sees himself now.

Suddenly, Remus' eyes began to well up and with a small pained cry, he quickly covered his
face again with his hands, trying to hide the fact that he was crying. His shoulders shuddered
with each silent sob and Severus didn't know what to do to comfort him, if he should touch
him….

Severus decided to just say calmly, "Their deaths were not your fault, you had no control.
They drugged you. And Kaylie's death was certainly not your fault. I was there when you
were found. I was the one who brought you and Kaylie to Hogwarts. I was there when they
tried to save her, they did everything they could, but it was too late."
"Have you ever wondered how she acquired those injuries?" Remus suddenly snapped,
finally looking up again, shocking Severus. His eyes were bloodshot as he angrily wiped
away the last of his fallen tears. It was so unlike Remus to snap like that, to lose patience.

"She died by my hand!" Remus insisted. "I was the one who hurt her! They threw her in that
cellar and chained us during the night of the full-moon. We changed and I killed her! That is
why I haven't been sleeping, because every time I close my eyes I see her. I see her pale eyes
and her pale face and she whispers to me that I killed her, I broke my promise! I've let her
down! I was supposed to get her out and I failed and now she haunts my dreams and I
deserve it because Greyback turned me into a fucking murderer! That's what I am, a fucking
murderer! I don't deserve this second chance! I didn't deserve to be saved! Kaylie did, she
deserved everything and I took it all from her!"

The pain Remus was in was so raw, Severus could feel it seeping out in every word Remus
shouted at him.

"Remus, it wasn't your fault," Severus said. He wanted to touch him, to hold his hand or pull
him into a hug, just to comfort him. But Remus was shaking so hard and Severus was afraid
of triggering him. "It wasn't your fault that she was in that cellar with you. You didn't choose
to kill her, it was Greyback. He was the one that killed her, not you."

Remus had closed his eyes as he spoke, wiping away a few more silent tears.

"Then why do I feel so bad about this? Why is she haunting my dreams? Why can't I let her
go?" Remus said with frustration.

"You have survivor's guilt," Severus said. "You survived and she didn't. You feel guilty for
living instead of her."

"She deserves life more than me, I promised to get her out, I promised and I failed. It
should've been me that died."

"No... Remus..." but Severus was cut off.

"You weren't there, Severus!" Remus had snapped open his eyes. "You weren't there in that
cellar, you didn't live with that smell of rot and death and human waste. You didn't lie on that
floor in so much pain, you didn't dare move! You didn't kill innocent children, you didn't
promise that girl that you'll get her out!"

"Yes, I was not there, however, Remus, I'll tell you again it wasn't your fault. You promised
to get her out but you couldn't, it was something out of your control, it's just the way it is. We
can't change the past, only move forward. You need to learn to live with this."

"You don't understand," Remus said, his voice shaking with frustration and pain and anger.

"I do… Much more than you know..." Severus said sincerely.

At that, Remus stopped, looking at Severus to go on.

"I was the cause of the Potter's death," Severus choked out. He had never thought he'd admit
this to anyone, least of all to Remus Lupin who Severus used to fear and hate.

"Severus?" Remus said with confusion.

"I heard the prophecy. The prophecy that led him straight to them. I told it to the Dark Lord,
resulting in their deaths…" Severus had said that so low, so full of shame that at first he
wasn't even sure Remus heard him, but he did…he did and now Severus was preparing
himself for Remus to leave and never speak to him again, and Severus would let him because
he would completely understand.

"Severus… You… You couldn't have known…" Remus gasped at the sudden news.

This time it was Severus avoiding those hazel eyes. He couldn't bear to see the hatred and
anger for what he'd done.

Severus forced himself to continue, now he was the one shaking with shame… "Exactly, I
didn't mean for the Dark Lord to go to the Potters that night and kill them. I didn't want that
to happen, but it did, and now I must live with that mistake. No one knows except you and
Albus…"

Remus only continued to look at him with shock, waiting for Severus to go on.

"Don't you think it's hard to look at Harry every day, knowing I was the cause of his parent's
death? It's hard, Remus, but I can't change what I've done all those years ago, I must live with
it. And when the time is right, after this war is over, I will tell Harry and if he hates me for it,
then so be it. I see a day where I wouldn't have to hide so many secrets of my past from him.
I see it, Remus… Just like a day where you will not feel so broken over Kaylie's death. She
saved you, she gave her life for you and you should cherish that life not waste it with guilt."

Remus frowned at those words, then sighed with exhaustion. "You're right, you're right,
Severus, but it's just so hard… That Kaylie in my dreams…she's…it's not who she used to be.
She haunts me every night."

"It's not her, it never was, just your guilty conscience. Kaylie is in a better place, she is with
her father, not here with this war hanging over her. Her death wasn't your fault, I wish that
you could realize that. We did everything we could."

Severus stopped himself from saying it was Kaylie's time, because it wasn't. She was too
young, she lost her life when she was bitten only to die at thirteen. It was tragic and Severus
couldn't bear to say those words because those words were bullshit. It wasn't her time. She
didn't deserve to die the way she did, but it happened, there was no changing it and he
desperately wanted Remus to see that.

"I don't blame you for their deaths, Severus," Remus said gently. "You were young, lost…
You loved her. I know you wouldn't have done anything to put Lily in danger."

So, Remus wasn't going to end their new friendship over this… Severus felt so touched at
this that his eyes stung a bit but he blinked, chasing away any tears that might escape,
although the pain he had over it and his relief of Remus staying, carried out in his voice as he
said, "I know… I didn't mean for that to happen, but it did, and I can't change it. The only
thing I can do now is look after her son and one of her best friends."

Remus smiled sadly at his words. "Lily was the only one I could study with at school and
actually get things done, the only one that I could talk to about being gay and crushing on
Sirius. She hardly mentioned you after you two stopped speaking but I know it changed her,
she became quieter, withdrawn for a long time until she fell in love with James and had
Harry, but I could always tell that something was missing in Lily and it was you, your
friendship. She died still loving you, Severus."

Severus looked at the wolf, giving him a small pained smile at those words, unable to say
anything more.

And the conversation began to cease as they finished their cooling tea. Severus watched
Remus gazing at the flames crackling merrily in the fireplace again, lost in his thoughts.
Watching him, Severus suddenly didn't want Remus to go. His quarters suddenly felt big and
empty. He didn't want to be alone tonight. And he hoped Remus didn't want to be alone
either, so he broke the silence.

"You can sleep in Harry's bedroom tonight if you don't want to be alone. I'll be in my room if
you need anything… Besides, I've noticed you limping. Did you lose your cane again?"

Remus frowned, not reacting to Severus teasing him about his cane, concerning Severus
greatly. Remus never turned away from good-humored teasing.

"Thank you, Severus, maybe it will help me sleep, knowing you're nearby…"

At least he took the invitation.

Severus couldn't sleep that night. The things that Remus said, seeing Kaylie in his dreams,
believing he was responsible for that girls' death. This was no doubt a consequence to what
the wolf went through during the summer. Severus climbed out of bed. He couldn't take the
tossing and turning, the restlessness in his legs, staring at the walls, especially the one that
separated him and Remus. Maybe some research would help him calm his mind….

To his great disappointment, Remus was already gone when Severus woke up that morning.
He had hoped to see how Remus was faring after their talk last night. Things had grown
pretty intense, Severus remembered the raw emotion and pain in Remus' voice as he spoke,
the haunted look in his eyes and how they had turned golden. Severus knew what Remus was
going through. Severus went through the same thing after Lily died, always blaming himself,
seeing her in his dreams….

Remus would be okay… He just had a long treacherous path to walk, but he'll be okay,
Severus thought as he fixed himself a cup of coffee. He was exhausted from staying up those
late hours, but it was all worth it to help his friend.

He continued his research from last night, researching P.T.S.D symptoms and how to help the
person going through it. Remus had some of the symptoms…lack of sleep, refusing to talk
about his trauma, mood swings, nightmares and blaming himself for Kaylie's death. The way
Remus would function normally but then had moments where the trauma he'd experienced
showed through his walls…

After a few more hours of researching, Severus glanced at the clock, it was almost eight in
the morning. He was usually at breakfast at this time, so he decided to end the research for
now and start heading up to the Great Hall.

Once he was showered and dressed with another cup of black coffee in his hands, Severus
went over to his desk in his bedroom, setting his mug on his pile of books. He dipped his
quill into a pot of ink and began to write on some parchment:

Harry,

Come to my quarters after dinner. There are some matters we need to discuss.

- S. Snape

"Dobby!" Severus called Harry's favorite house-elf.

Instantly, Dobby appeared with a loud crack.

"Professor Snape, sir, what can Dobby do for you?" the elf squeaked, bowing down, his large
nose sweeping the carpet.

Severus always felt uncomfortable whenever a house-elf or any creature or human bowed
down to him like that.

"Deliver this message to Mister Potter, make sure he reads it."

"Of course, sir." Dobby took the message and bowed to him once more before disappearing
with another loud crack.

"Professor?" Harry called out with annoyance.

What was the point of inviting him for dinner if Severus wasn't going to be here?

Harry checked the kitchen, the professor wasn't there. He figured Severus might be brewing
in his lab and has forgotten the time… Harry noticed Severus' bedroom door open and pushed
it open. The room was empty. Harry crossed the room to the door that was Severus' private
potions lab. It was empty also. He then went into Severus' connecting office. He wasn't
there….

Defeated, Harry was about to leave when he noticed something glowing in a nearby cabinet.
Harry knew the all too familiar glow, remembering the last time he came across a pensieve in
Severus' office. He had never been more afraid for his life when Severus had caught him, and
he didn't want to relive that moment again, but Harry thought about what it might be hiding
in its swirling glowing liquid.

Maybe what Severus was hiding was kept inside that pensieve, safe and hidden. Maybe it had
the answers Harry was looking for that Severus was too stubborn to reveal, maybe it would
show Harry that Severus wasn't hiding anything and that he could trust him. Besides, even if
Severus did catch him inside that pensieve, they were at a better place than they were a year
ago. This time, Harry wasn't in his fifth year being forced to take Occlumency by an equally
reluctant Severus Snape.

Feeling like his reasons were justified enough, Harry opened the cabinet, revealing the
pensieve he'd once entered almost a year ago. He couldn't believe he was dumb enough to be
doing this again, but he had to do it. He wanted to trust Severus again.

Harry dipped his face inside and he felt himself being pulled in and then falling through a
swirl of colors and voices. After a few moments, Harry landed with a soft thud on his butt.
His hands felt grass and a windy breeze played with his hair. He looked around and saw two
children sitting in a meadow behind a row of houses. The sun was setting behind a young girl
with bright-red hair, the sun's rays turning her hair to flames. He crept closer until he could
hear the murmuring voices of children, realizing she wasn't alone. A small skinny boy
wearing a large coat and long black hair was beside her.

"Mom… Sev..." Harry whispered, realizing who they were.

"They are fighting again aren't they, Severus?" It was his mom's voice, her voice, even if she
was a little girl. Harry couldn't help but move to a spot where he could take in her whole face.
Despite his being here to figure out what Severus was hiding, he couldn't help but let himself
have this small ounce of pleasure to just see his mom.

The young Severus nodded, "I don't want to go back home. I'm tired of seeing him hurt her."

"I'll wait with you, Sev."

"What if your parents worry about you? I don't want to get you in trouble, Lily."

"And if I do, it doesn't matter. I'm your friend, that's what friends do, we are there for each
other no matter what."

Harry then noticed the loud voices coming from a house not too far away, the voices rang
through the evening air until it faded, followed by a slamming door.

"If you could be anywhere you wanted in this world right now, where would it be?" Lily
asked, trying to distract her friend from the sound of his fighting parents.

Severus was now laying on his back looking up at the pink and orange clouds, as the sun
continued its journey down.
"I want to go camping with you and your parents, even Tuney… And we could… I don't
know, be a family…and have a tent deep in the forest away from people so we won't have to
hide our magic. And there are no dads that hit, only yours that will teach us how to fish and
skip rocks. And no moms that cry, only yours that will cook us delicious food and kiss us
goodnight. And our only worry is to deal with Tuney who would probably just complain
about us and sulk. And I could show your mum all the herbs that are useful in the forest and
the ones to stay away from. And we could all go hiking and swimming. Just a big family trip
with no fighting or hitting or crying, no one bleeding…unless someone fell and scraped their
knees. But it would be okay, cus your parents will patch us right up."

Lily then laid down next to her friend, taking in every word he said as the memory began to
fade, the voices echoing around Harry as it changed into another memory and he wondered
why Severus would try to hide that one.

Now, Harry was standing in a dark room. There was nothing much but an old bed frame, a
wardrobe with broken doors and an old nightstand that looked ready to topple over any
moment. The wardrobe had a few articles of tattered clothing, broken toys and old books that
looked well-read. Arguing disrupted the silence, a hall light was suddenly on, creating
shadows and illuminating a path on the floor to the bed.

And for the first time, Harry noticed a young Severus laying in his bed under the covers,
looking at an old children's picture book of Hogwarts, his flashlight shining on the old
pictures. The book, like all magical books and portraits, had moving illustrations. It was old
and worn with gold pages. Severus' eyes were filled with longing as he studied the pictures.
A big thump followed by a scream, a drunk man's shouting caused Severus to flinch,
dropping the flashlight to the floor. Another loud thump followed, louder than the last one,
causing Harry to turn around to glare at the door. The walls were paper thin, allowing
Severus to hear everything that was happening on the other side.

The sound of feet hitting the floor and a window opening pulled Harry's attention back to
Severus. He was surprised to see the young boy climbing out.

Without a moment to waste, Harry followed him out, curious to see where Severus was
going. He followed him away from the row of houses, past an old park, through a small bout
of trees and into a small middle-class neighborhood.

It wasn't long until Severus stopped walking, sneaking behind the back of a house and started
throwing pebbles at a second story window. Harry then saw a small face and long red hair as
Lily opened the window and looked down. Severus then began to climb up the vines. And
Harry realized this was a nightly routine, hardly any words were spoken between the two.
Harry followed Severus up, finding the two young kids sitting in a makeshift fort with sheets,
pillows and twinkling fairy lights. Severus was laying against the pillows, clutching the book
to his chest.

"I left before my dad grew tired of hitting her and came to me," Severus was muttering.

"You'll be safe here… What is that you've got there, Severus?" Lily asked.
Severus gave her the book. "It was my mum's when she was my age. I found it in the attic.
She doesn't know I have it. Can I keep it safe here? If he found it…it'll be burned in the
fireplace."

Lily nodded, looking through the book.

"That is the world I want to be in, Lily, with our own kind, where we don't have to fear doing
magic, where there are others like us…"

The memory started to grow fuzzy again, making the voices blend together and the colors
merged. And Harry wasn't prepared for the quick flashes of memories. Memories so dark and
full of fear, of pain, of Severus constantly hiding while his parents fought. Memories of
Severus being hit by his dad and the mistrust in his eyes that grew stronger with each passing
memory, of hopelessness and pain. Harry was starting to feel triggered by those memories,
they were so much like his own, so much like his own childhood. The memories finally
began to slow down until it was just Lily and Severus again, this time on the Astronomy
tower, a vast sky of stars scattered above them.

"Promise me, Severus," Lily was saying. "That you try to stay away from those Slytherin
goons of Malfoy's. Promise me you'll try… I'm your friend too, Severus, you don't need
them. You have me."

Severus didn't say anything, only looking at the sky and the stars reflected in his obsidian
black eyes.

Then once again, the memory changed, and now Harry was standing in a white room. A baby
was crying as a young woman with red hair and green eyes was singing softly to a newborn
baby in her arms. A knock on the door made Harry turn around to see Severus who looked as
if he were barely twenty.

"Severus…" Lily said, looking at him with surprise.

Severus stood by the doorway, his hesitant eyes on Lily, uncertain of what to say and his
hands hidden underneath his dark robes.

Lily chuckled, "Come in, Sev, I promise I won't hex you."

Severus didn't say anything. Still looking nervous, he sat himself down on the armchair near
Lily's bed.

"I heard you're going into hiding."

"Dumbledore reckons it's the best shot we got in keeping him safe," Lily replied.

At those words, Severus' eyes traveled down to the small baby.

Suddenly strong hands grabbed Harry by the shoulders and turned him around, until he found
himself facing a much older Severus Snape.

"Professor!" Harry gasped.

Severus' black eyes were swirling with emotions Harry couldn't read, causing him to lose
control and let fear take over, he was sure he was going to get punished by this. Flashbacks of
how angry Severus was the first time Harry was caught in his pensieve invaded his mind, the
anger in his eyes and his voice as he shouted at Harry to get out of his office. His chest
started to feel tight, his vision growing foggy, trying to calm down, Harry closed his eyes and
held his head in his hands trying to breathe, but it was hopeless. Gasping for air, he felt his
arms being tugged away from his head and held close to his sides.

"Harry, breathe slowly, remember in, out, in out."

Harry felt his hand being placed firmly on a warm chest, he could feel a beating heart. The
rhythm began to calm him as he followed the rise and fall of Severus' chest. After a while his
vision began to come back, and Harry stopped gasping for air.

Severus was on his knees, one hand holding onto Harry's arm, the other holding Harry's hand
to his chest. Harry could still feel Severus' heartbeat, bringing him back to reality.

"I'm not going to hurt you, Harry, believe me, you are loved, very loved, and I will never
punish you the way your uncle did."

Harry only shook his head.

"If you cannot believe me, turn around," Severus said, letting him go and standing up.

Harry turned around to see Lily placing Harry in Severus' arms for the first time.

Harry watched Severus’ nervousness grow as Lily directed him into the right position, and
once the baby was settled safely in his arms, Severus looked down at him, eyes growing soft.
He carefully moved aside the tuff of jet-black hair. Baby Harry yawned and held on to
Severus' pinky finger in his chubby fists, causing Severus to laugh until tears were
threatening to spill.

Lily looked on, smiling at her best friend holding her son, and Harry knew at that moment,
their friendship had rekindled, and everything bad that had happened between them now was
forgotten.

"Sev, if anything should happen to me and James and his friends, I want you to be the one to
look after him."

Severus didn't take his eyes off the baby.

"I will do everything in my power to protect him," Severus said, "Even if it costs my own
life."

Severus placed a hand on Harry's shoulder. "It's time we go," he muttered, pulling Harry out
of the pensieve, away from the memory and back into Severus' office.
 It Falls On Me
Chapter Summary

Enjoy Ch.6! Next update is next weekend!

Chapter Six - It Falls On Me

As soon as Harry came out of the pensieve he stepped back as Severus returned. He was
ready for the scolding. He knew he deserved it for prying into the professor's memories once
again.

"Sir, I didn't mean to look inside your pensieve! I was waiting for you and it was just there!"

The professor didn't say a word, his obsidian black eyes were cold and void of any emotion
as he stalked towards the desk and grabbed the pensieve.

Harry hated when Severus shut down his emotions to him like that, it was scary not knowing
how he was going to act. He waited in tensed silence, wondering if the professor would have
an angry outburst that Harry experienced the first time he'd jumped into Severus' memories.

Once the pensieve was locked away in its cabinet, Severus finally faced Harry and said in a
calm voice, "This is not the first time I've found you in my thoughts."

Harry examined Severus' face, and again he saw it. It was a look Harry couldn't quite
understand. He knew the professor was holding back, Severus was hiding something. Harry
averted his eyes away from him. He didn't want to see it again. He didn't want to be reminded
of the familial relationship they had and the fact that it was cracked down the middle,
possibly beyond repair. That thought made Harry's heart beat faster than usual, it was so fast
that he felt his anxiety start to rise.

Things had been so complicated lately with Severus. It was hard to imagine how close they
were during the end of summer, hard to believe that Severus Snape was beginning to be like a
father figure to Harry.

Why was everything so hard? Nothing was ever easy. It always had to be complicated. His
parents, Sirius and now Severus!

And the thing that was making it hard for Harry to breathe, was the fact that he didn't know
what to make of Severus' calm tone. Harry was expecting a Dursley-like punishment or
maybe to get things thrown at him like last time this happened, and Harry preferred it, only to
get it over with. Beatings and chores were normal for him, not a professor who was supposed
to be a father figure with unreadable emotions. He wanted to trust Severus. If he could, then
perhaps things could be better. When he told Severus on that last day of summer at the beach
that he trusted him, Harry lied, or maybe it was only half the truth. Harry left out the word
wish, I wish I can trust you, and he left out the word try, I'm going to try to trust you. All he
said that day was I trust you. But it was a lie. He couldn't trust Severus, but Harry wanted to,
he wanted to so much it hurt.

And as if it were never there, the look was gone and Severus' eyes were cold and unreadable
once more. Severus stayed in front of the closed cabinet that hid the pensieve right behind his
desk. Harry had backed away so that the desk was separating them, that way he had closer
access to the door, just in case.

"Take a seat, Harry, if you are worried about me throwing things at you, then you have
nothing to fear. I'm not mad at you. In fact, I left that open for you to see those memories."

Taken aback, Harry ran his hand through his hair. He kept his gaze down on the floor. He
wasn't sure if he should be mad at the manipulation or feel relieved that he wasn't in trouble.

"You left it out on purpose, knowing I wouldn't resist looking inside?" Harry choked out.
"You could've just told me to look inside instead of tricking me!"

Severus sat down at his desk. "Would you have listened?"

"Yeah… I might have…" Harry muttered, sitting down at the chair across from Severus, the
large stone desk separating them.

He felt his muscles loosening, feeling less tense now that the possibility of getting punished
had passed. Trying to calm himself down, Harry gazed around the office. It wasn't so long
ago when he'd first arrived here last summer, beaten and broken. So much has changed since
then, yet this office was still the same. The desk was cluttered with stacks of student scrolls
and books. A jar of quills sat at the corner next to a few opened pots of black and red ink. All
around the walls, shelves hung with jars of things, green glowing things. He was too afraid to
ask what they were. The fire was blazing softly in its grate, its orange and yellow flames
dancing….

Harry pulled his gaze back to the desk, refusing to look at Severus, just in case he saw that
look again, just in case there was another sign that Severus was hiding something. Severus
didn't say any more. The silence was heavy in the air. Harry knew Severus didn't believe him.

Harry sighed, "Okay, maybe not." He couldn't take the silence anymore. He just wanted to go
back to Gryffindor tower and lay in his bed, where he could be alone and away from the
Potions Professor who didn't understand.

"I wanted you to see…" Severus began.

Harry scowled. Not this again! he thought. His anxiety rose higher. He began to rub at his
arm under his robes, out of sight. The burning pain from his nails scratching his skin seemed
to help.

"How your mother was there for me… She entrusted me…"
"I don't want to talk!" Harry interrupted. The growing anxiety was causing him to act
disrespectfully, but he didn't care at the moment. He just wanted to leave. "I'd rather just
serve that detention I owe you. That is why I'm here, isn't it?"

Severus frowned at his words. "I was planning on you doing your detention another night,
however, if that is your wish…"

Harry could feel the professor studying him with his dark gaze. It irritated Harry to no end.
He was tired of Severus looking at him like that, always seeming as if he were trying to
figure Harry out. There was nothing to figure out!

"Can you stop looking at me like that!" Harry snapped. "I've already made it clear, I don't
want to talk. There is no point to it. I already know you won't help me with Draco. And I
know you're hiding something but you won't admit it!" He continued to dig his nails into his
skin.

Harry didn't need to look at the professor to know that his body went rigid. He could just tell.
Severus Snape may be known for being a master at hiding emotions, but he still had his slip-
ups. Harry knew him well enough by now to catch those rare moments.

Severus composed himself once more, his voice calm, controlled, as he said, "And what
makes you say that?"

"I just do," Harry muttered, still purposely keeping his eyes away from Severus.

"Harry, you need to learn to be more respectful towards me, I will not tolerate this behavior
any longer. I think another detention will do until you learn to control yourself! And take
your arms out of your robes! I'm not as dim-witted as you think!"

"Professor! Another detention?!"

"Arms out now, Potter!" Severus snapped, all manner of control and patience was out the
window, just like Harry, Severus had a short fuse.

This was so unfair! He was being treated like a little kid! Harry couldn't believe he had
another detention. Now he had to spend another night with Severus Snape forcing him to talk
about things he didn't want to talk about!

"I'm waiting!" Severus snapped.

Harry glared at the professor as he took his arms out of his robes.

Severus scowled at the sight of his red skin. "I will keep assigning more detentions until you
learn to lose that attitude! I know you don't want to talk. I know you still can't trust me!
However, I'm not going to allow you to push me away! I know this started with the issue of
Draco. I've told you, he is not going to be left to fend for himself. Albus and I are handling
it!"

Harry shook his head, his hands on the desk started to fidget with one of Severus' quills. The
anxiety was getting worse. He needed to cut. He really needed to feel the pain he was feeling
deep inside. He didn't fail to notice that Severus skirted around Harry's accusation of him, it
proved he was hiding something. And it hurt that Harry couldn't trust his new dad, no matter
how hard he tried, he just couldn't… It was pulling them apart.

Severus took the quill out of Harry's hand. "I'm rather fond of that quill, if you don't mind."

"Sorry, sir," Harry muttered.

As if Severus were reading Harry's mind, he asked, "Why can't you trust me on this?"

"I just feel like Draco's going to be sacrificed for the greater good. Whatever is going on, I
know he's a Death Eater. What if Dumbledore uses that and then Draco's stuck on the wrong
side, just like you. I can't trust you when you say he's going to be okay because I know the
danger he's in, I don't see a way out for him."

"You need to have faith, Harry, in me and Professor Dumbledore. You forget Draco is my
godson, whatever happens to him, I'll be there to protect him. You have my word."

Harry didn't know what else to say, he was tired, tired of arguing with his dad. He wanted to
trust him on this so much, it hurt him deeply to know that he couldn't. This was the
repercussion of growing up with the Dursleys, they stripped all trust away from him as they
raised him with nothing but abuse and neglect. He loved Severus as a father, he really did, but
trust was a whole different matter. It was going to take more time, a long time for Harry to
fully trust the adult figures in his life.

"I really want to trust you, dad, I really do but it's hard," Harry muttered. "I'm not even mad
at you anymore. I'm sorry for being ungrateful and rude…" Harry felt shame redden his face.
Looking back on his behavior, Severus was right to put him in more detention… He could
never control his emotions.

Severus picked up a quill from his desk. Harry watched him tap it with his wand, making the
sharp point of the quill become round and smooth. He then reached over and handed it to
Harry.

"I don't care for this one, you can fidget with it as much as you like. I'd rather have you fidget
than scratching yourself."

Harry took the black quill. It was old, a little bent and missing a few feathers. The point was
smooth so he couldn't hurt himself with it.

"I know it's hard after what you've been through," Severus said. "You need to remember what
you learned this summer. Do you remember that day on the beach? You told me you trusted
me. Despite those words not being true, I know you wanted them to be, so I need you to at
least try. I can't have you pushing me away and then end up resorting back to your old
habits."

The anxiety inside Harry began to grow once more. He just needed to cut… He began to
fidget with the quill. It wasn't a good alternative but at least it gave his hands something to do
other than scratching.
"You are not here for detention, you are here because I wanted to show you those memories
in my pensieve. I wanted to show you how I grew up with barely an ounce of love, just like
you. I know the pain, I understand it, I've lived with it. I know it's hard trusting the adults
around you when you grew up not being able to trust the ones that raised you. I wanted to
show you what Lily and I meant to each other and how she wanted me to guide you, to
protect you. She trusted me to you, her son, and so you can trust me."

"Sev…" Harry began, but Severus held up his hand.

"No, I'm not finished. Remus told me about last night. I thought I told you to stay away from
Draco."

Harry shook his head, fidgeting with the quill in his hands. "It was nothing. We just ran into
each other." He avoided Severus' disapproving gaze. Harry forced himself to not roll his eyes,
as he said, "I can't avoid him forever! He is in some of my classes."

"I know you were following him! I also saw the scratches you left on Remus' arms."

Harry scowled, "It was an accident! I didn't realize what I was doing. I lost control."

"Be that as it may," Severus drawled. "I need you to try and get your emotions under control.
What you did to Remus was unacceptable! You need to apologize to him and thank him for
taking care of you as soon as possible! And I will not allow you to be following Draco
around, not when it will just end in you two dueling in the corridors! Stay away from him, do
I make myself clear?"

Harry looked down at the now broken quill, "Yes, sir," he said.

Severus reached over with his wand. Harry flinched a little and hoped Severus didn't notice.

"Reparo."

Harry watched as the quill repaired itself.

"Care to explain what happened last night?" the professor asked.

"I don't want to talk about it," Harry muttered, he really didn't want to have this conversation.
He was already embarrassed of how Remus saw him yesterday. He just wanted to forget what
happened last night.

"Do I need to keep repeating myself for you to get the message, Potter? I need you to make
an effort or this is never going to work!" Severus snapped.

Harry looked taken aback. "So what, you'll take back the adoption?"

"No!" Severus shouted, causing Harry to flinch again.

Harry finally looked at the professor, who had his face in his hands. It was a few moments of
silence until Severus finally put his hands down and looked at Harry, who averted his eyes
away once more. He kept his eyes on the quill in his hands. He couldn't look at Severus. He
didn't want to see the secrecy and anger in his eyes.

"Harry, I didn't mean for you to take it like that. That's not what I meant. You're my son and
that's never going to change no matter what happens. You can be angry with me as much as
you want, to the point where you won't speak to me… You will still be a son to me and I will
still love you."

Harry didn't reply, just kept his eyes on the quill, trying so hard to believe his dad but ugly
thoughts swirled in his head… You have a secret... I cannot trust you… What if you are lying
right now? Those thoughts made Harry feel so guilty and ashamed that he held his tongue,
not saying a word.

"I want you to look at me."

Severus reached over and pulled the quill out of Harry's hands, setting it down on the desk.
He then lifted Harry's chin so their eyes connected.

"Do you understand?"

Harry searched his dad's eyes for any sign of secrecy that Harry had lately seemed to always
find. But this time, there was none, only sincerity, love and concern.

"And don't you think I haven't noticed you flinching. Remember that I am not your uncle. I
am never going to hurt you the way he did to you. I just meant you need to try on trusting me
if we are ever going to be happy. If you don't, you are just going to push me away and we'll
constantly be fighting. Do you really want that sort of relationship for us?"

Harry pulled his face away from Severus' hold, feeling hot tears behind his eyes. Severus was
right. He finally had a family and he was just messing it up.

"Don't push me away, kid, just tell me what happened," Severus said softly.

Harry sighed in defeat, Severus was right, he had to try…

"I wasn't following Draco. I was going back to Gryffindor tower after my lesson with
Dumbledore. I ran into him in the corridor. I tried to talk to him, but he was acting like his
old bastard-self."

"Language!" Severus sighed exhaustedly.

"Sorry, Professor," Harry said quickly before continuing with his story. He didn't want to stop
now that he was finally telling Severus what happened.

"He wouldn't listen to me. We argued and he attacked me. I just wanted us to talk to each
other like we used to during the summer, but he wouldn't drop the act. After Draco left, I
think I had an anxiety attack that caused me to black out, because next thing I knew, I'm in
Remus' office," Harry finished.

"Remus told me he found you hiding in the corridor, you were scratching yourself up."
Harry felt his cheeks blush in shame for what he did to Remus. "I remember him talking to
me, I don't remember attacking him. I just remember him calming me down. I feel bad for
hurting him. I lost control…"

"Remus knows you didn't mean to hurt him. He's very worried for you. Don't begrudge him
for telling me what happened. I know you would've preferred me not knowing, but Remus
thought this was best. Harry, even if we are fighting you need to still come to me when
something like this happens and if you feel like you can't, then go to Remus or even your
friends. I don't want this to happen again. What if Remus had not been there? What if
someone else found you?"

"I know..." Harry said.

"Tell me what triggered your anxiety last night."

"I already..." Harry started, but Severus interrupted him before he could finish.

"I want you to tell me exactly what you were feeling that caused you to black out. I'm looking
for what triggered you."

"I was upset after Draco left, my plan to talk to him failed. He didn't want to talk or have
anything to do with me. I know he's in danger and he's feeling alone. He's pushing me away
because of it, I can't let that happen. It was the pain I felt from him turning away from me, I
kept remembering the first time we became friends and it just triggered it."

"Harry," Severus said. "It's not that Draco doesn't want to be friends with you anymore. He's
stuck in this situation where if he fails, his family is on the line. He feels like he has no
choice. Dumbledore and I are watching him. We will not let him succeed in the Dark Lord's
task."

"What is the task?" Harry asked.

"I cannot say, you know that."

"Yeah…"

It was worth a try. Things would be so much easier if Harry wasn't left in the dark. He knew
it was not Severus' choice, but Dumbledore's. He was the one in charge, the one keeping
Harry in the dark. He wished the old headmaster would have more faith in Harry and tell him
what was going on.

The quill broke in half once more. Hot tears started to pour down Harry's face. He wiped
them away, hating that he was starting to cry. He tried to hold it in, but it was just too much
he was feeling inside.

All the bad feelings that triggered Harry last night started to resurface…

Memories of him and Draco talking in Harry's bedroom… Playing Quidditch at the
Burrow… Doing chores together… Laughing at the kitchen table and doing homework
together….
Harry had found a best friend in Draco that summer and now it was gone, as if the bond they
had developed was nothing. And what hurt so bad was the fact that if it wasn't for this war,
they would've been best friends from the start. They were divided because Draco was forced
onto the beliefs of his parents and now he was stuck on the wrong side of the war. Harry
really could not see any way out for his friend, just like he couldn't see a way out for himself.
He knew in the end it was going to come down to him and Voldemort. Harry's and Draco's
friendship was doomed from the start.

Harry hoped Severus and Dumbledore had a plan. At this point, he was starting not to care if
they left him in the dark about it. What was the point of all this anyway? There was no
guarantee that Harry might survive the last battle and somehow he was okay with that,
because in the end Draco was what mattered to Harry. Draco's life along with the people he
loved.

As long as they survived this war.

Perhaps he should stop punishing Severus for his secrecy… Harry just wanted his dad and
him to be okay again and to do that, he had to take that first step and accept that Severus was
forced to have secrets and Harry had to trust him.

"Harry, come on, son, I'm here…" Severus got up from his chair and leant down to eye level
to Harry. He pulled Harry's hands apart.

Harry didn't realize he was scratching himself again. His chest was tight with the pressure of
not breathing. Am I having another attack? What is wrong with me! Harry felt more tears run
down his face.

"Look at me, son," Severus said gently. He placed one of Harry's hands on his chest. Harry
felt his dad's beating heart. It began to calm him down as Severus then instructed Harry to
breathe.

After a while the pressure began to release and Harry let out a deep breath. He then flung
himself at Severus, hugging his dad hard, burrowing his face into his chest where he could
feel the soft robes against his cheeks and smell the scent of herbs used for potions. It began to
calm him and he stopped crying. Severus hugged him back until Harry began to pull away,
rubbing his eyes.

"I'm sorry," Harry's voice cracked, his throat was on fire.

"There is no need to apologize." Severus got up and sat on the chair next to Harry's instead of
his usual place behind his desk. "Give me your arm."

Harry did what he was told and watched as Severus lifted his sleeves and healed the scratch
marks and red skin until there was no sign of Harry's most recent breakdown.

Severus then took Harry's hand and did an unfamiliar wand movement, then tapped his hand
gently. Harry watched his nails glow bright pink, brighter than usual. After a few moments
when the glow began to diminish, Severus performed the same spell on his other hand.
Harry pulled his hand away and watched the fading pink glow, then looked at Severus in
confusion. "Sir?"

"I've been doing research over the spell for weeks. Last night I finally perfected the change I
created in the movement to make it stronger, hopefully it can withstand your accidental
magic when you get emotional."

"You spent weeks researching for me?"

Severus nodded, "I needed to find a way to help you with this habit of yours. Your accidental
magic is uncommonly strong and unfortunately tied to your emotions. All the stress lately
from the war is making you regress; I will not allow that."

Harry nodded.

"You understand you are on probation again for hurting yourself last night, that means
restriction of your wand," Severus said.

"Professor, I need my wand!"

"I'm sorry, kid, but you broke your word," Severus said. "You promised me you'll try to stop
and that you will go to me or Remus if needed."

"I know…" Harry stopped himself from saying anything more. He knew the professor was
right. Harry had promised and he broke his word. Severus warned him of the consequences.

"Now, I've worked out a plan," Severus explained. "Remus will oversee your wand to prevent
any suspicion from the Slytherin students about me going soft on you. You will have access
to your wand during school hours. You are not allowed to go off alone with or without your
wand. If you need to step out of class, you leave your wand with your professor and make
sure you always have one of your Gryffindor friends with you. At the end of your last class,
you will take your wand back to Remus. If you need to do homework with your wand, you'll
join study hall so that way you are in everyone's line of sight.

This castle is large and I won't be able to watch you every second with our course schedules.
It is important that you follow the rules and that you come to me, Remus or even your friends
when you're having trouble. Is that clear?"

"This seems like too much trouble, I don't want to be a bother to you or Remus," Harry said.

Severus stared at Harry and said so sincerely, "You're not a bother to us. You are important,
your safety is what matters most to us and we'll do anything we can to help you."

Harry stared down at his hands and nodded, he could feel his cheeks burning red. He'll never
get used to people caring for him.

"Dobby!" Severus suddenly called. The house-elf appeared less than a second with a loud
crack.

Harry looked at Severus then back at Dobby, wondering what this was about.
"Yes, Master Snape, sir? And Harry Potter!" The house-elf squeaked, turning around and
catching sight of Harry. His eyes grew wide and his lips turned into a huge smile.

"Hi, Dobby," Harry grinned.

"It's good to see you, Harry Potter!" The house-elf greeted, bowing at Harry.

"There's no need to do that…" Harry started feeling embarrassed with his dad watching.

"Dobby, gather up Potter's belongings in his trunk and bring them to me," Severus ordered.

"Yes, Professor Snape, sir," Dobby disappeared and was back within minutes with Harry's
heavy trunk.

"That will be all, Dobby." Severus stood up and opened the trunk.

Dobby bowed low to the ground and was gone with another loud crack.

"Professor, do you really have to do this again?" Harry groaned. He didn't want his things to
be sorted through again.

"Harry, like I've said before, you broke your word. I've warned you of the consequences!
What would've happened if Remus hadn't found you?"

Severus rifled through his belongings, confiscating the items that could be used for self-harm.

"This time, I'm leaving you your cloak on Dumbledore's orders."

"He wants me to keep my cloak?"

"He fears you might have need of it for protection and I agree. I don't want you to be
defenseless, keep it with you at all times, especially when you don't have access to your
wand. If you use that cloak to hide while you hurt yourself, I will know!" Severus added with
a scowl.

Harry sighed in exasperation, "Yes, sir."

Once Severus was done taking certain items out, he vanished them to a locked cabinet then
sent Harry's trunk back up with Dobby.

"Are we done now? Can I go to bed?"

"One moment…" Severus said. "Hand me your wand."

Harry held on tight to it. He just got it back and now he had to give it away again.

"Harry…" Severus glared at him, holding out his hand.

"Fine," he muttered and gave it to Severus, feeling a sense of loss without it. At least this
time he'll have access to it during lessons and study hall.
Harry then stood up, walking towards the door. He didn't want to watch Severus store his
beloved holly and phoenix feather wand away.

"And one more thing," Severus said before Harry could place his hand on the door. "Before
you go, I want you to think carefully of what you saw in the pensieve tonight. Your mother
entrusted me to watch over you, your father entrusted Remus to watch over you. If you
cannot trust me or Remus, then trust your parent's judgment. Remember, everything I do is in
your best interest and for Dumbledore and his plan for the outcome of this war, which is to be
successful. Do you understand?"

"My mum...when she died…were you friends again at that time?"

"We were…sort of…but not as close as we once were."

"And she still wanted you to protect me if anything happened?"

"She never once had doubts. She was certain of her choice to trust me to you, and your dad
always entrusted Remus to you if anything should happen to Black. I'm sorry that things
didn't turn out as they had wished. We just had no say against Dumbledore's plans for you
after they died."

"You and Remus should've fought against him. I would've been much safer with you guys
than the Dursleys. You let me go to them, you didn't keep me safe," Harry regretted saying it
but it was true, and he saw the pain in Severus' eyes as the words were spoken.

"I know, Harry, believe me, that's one of our greatest mistakes, but now I'm trying to make up
for that."

"I know and that's why I'm trying to trust you."

"I know you are and I'll be here waiting for however long it takes."

Harry nodded, still at the door and for once at a loss of words. He was moved by what his dad
had said to him.

"Have a goodnight, son."

"Goodnight, Sev."

Harry opened the door and left the office, feeling a little bit better than he had in days.
Severus was right, he was just pushing him away instead of trying to trust him. He made a
promise to himself that he would try, and he would also follow Remus' advice and keep an
eye on Draco through the map. If anything suspicious happens, then he would let his dad or
Remus know, because he had to trust them, he had no other option.

And true to his word, Harry stayed up half the night watching the map, tracking down Draco
but he couldn't find him. It was so strange. Perhaps it was a glitch in the map, but the map
never had problems before. It was a legacy left behind by the Marauders, it was flawless. No
it couldn't be a glitch… Draco was up to something. And he made it a point to tell Remus
about this as soon as he could tomorrow before falling asleep with the map in his hands.
Harry may have forgotten to do what Severus instructed, to think about the memories that
were shown to him in the pensieve, yet his conscious refused to let those memories go.
Dreams of Lily holding a newly born Harry and placing him in the arms of a young and
hesitant Severus, swirled around in a foggy haze before everything began to go dark. And
now Harry was standing alone in a dark circular room that looked vaguely familiar with a
winding staircase. Draco was there, standing next to him, eyes wide in fear as a shrill laugh
came from somewhere above of which Harry couldn't see.

"Draco!" Harry shouted, but his friend never gave a hint or sign that he knew Harry was there
standing besides him. Draco began to fade away, leaving him alone and screaming, causing
the Harry in the waking world to toss and turn in his sleep as he dreamed of Draco fading
away, out of reach where Harry couldn't find him, leaving him alone.

A couple of weeks went by and Harry found himself weighed down by a heavy weight of
stress on his shoulders and he was exhausted. With Ron's help to activate the map with his
wand, Harry had spent every night watching Draco, trying to figure out why he kept
disappearing off the map. And when he did finally fall asleep, he kept having dreams of
Draco fading away, of being left alone in the unfamiliar dark circular room.

Harry hadn't had a chance to speak to Remus about the map due to problems like having to
complete all of Severus' detentions of scrubbing cauldrons. Hagrid being mad at him, Ron
and Hermione for dropping his Care of Magical Creatures class. Starting up the Gryffindor
Quidditch team again. Ginny and Ron were ecstatic when they'd learned Harry was to be
captain. And not to mention the difficulty of his classes.

Remus' Defense Against the Dark Arts class was one of the hardest, just below
Transfiguration. Remus had intensified the course work for the sixth years, teaching them the
most advanced spells and how to defeat the darkest creatures he could find and bring to his
classroom. Remus' office and classroom was starting to resemble a magical zoo. Hagrid was
often found there, assisting Remus with them. Harry, Ron and Hermione always made it a
point to say hi to the half-giant, not giving up until he ended his icy silence with them. And
because of the amount of homework Remus had been giving his students, it made it difficult
for Harry to talk to him alone after class with so many of his classmates taking up Remus'
time.

Severus' Potions class was tough as well, but with the help of the Prince, Harry was
managing to keep up with the coursework, although he never missed the suspicious glances
Severus sent Harry every time he inspected one of his well-completed potions.

And suddenly to everyone's surprise and to Severus' dismay, Dumbledore had hired a second
Potions Professor to take over the younger students' Potions classes. Severus wouldn't give
up his 5-7th years with exams coming up.

Harry had never seen Severus in such a foul mood.

Remus had managed to tell Harry, Ron and Hermione that Severus had taken this second
Potions Master as an insult. That Dumbledore had claimed Severus could take a load of
coursework off so he could be more useful to the Order of the Phoenix. Severus was of
course thoroughly offended but nothing could be done about it.

All the students made sure they stayed out of Severus' way in the corridors. Harry learned
quickly that he didn't like Professor Slughorn. He seemed to be a collector of famous people
and contacts. He even formed this new Slug Club. Harry, who now spent some of his time
trying to avoid him, could see why Severus was always in a foul mood around Slughorn.

Right now, Defense Against the Dark Arts was almost at an end.

"That's enough for today," Remus said.

The spells stopped and the students quieted down as Remus began to explain the homework.

Once they were finally dismissed, Harry hung back to give Remus back his wand. Severus'
plan had been successful. Remus oversaw Harry's wand and made sure it was where it was
always supposed to be. And he noticed for the first time in weeks, no one stayed back to ask
Remus questions about the lesson. It was finally a chance to talk to Remus about the map.

Harry stayed at his desk until the last of the students left the classroom. Ron and Hermione
agreed to wait outside of class. On Severus' orders they weren't allowed to leave Harry alone.
Once they received that order, Harry was forced to tell them what happened. Hermione tried
her best to not cry and Ron's face was set in determination to make sure that it didn't happen
again. They were also upset that Harry kept his self-harm from them and his following
around Draco schemes.

Pushing his friends' disappointed and worried faces out of his mind, Harry watched Remus
pack away his books and notes. He couldn't help but notice once more how tired and thin the
werewolf looked. His hair was grayer, the bags under his eyes were deep and dark. Remus
really has been extremely busy lately… As if he were trying to prove to everyone that just
because he was a werewolf, it didn't make him an incompetent professor, that he was just as
good as all the other professors or maybe to just teach his students everything he knew before
the war broke.

Remus suddenly looked up and smiled. "Harry, how did you like the lesson?"

Harry could see his smile didn't reach his hazel eyes. They didn't bear their usual warmth.
They were haunted, and Harry wondered if it was due to Remus being kept awake by
nightmares like himself. He never did really discuss his time of captivity with Grayback.

"It was brilliant, Professor," Harry said, suddenly feeling a bit hesitant with what he wanted
to say, Remus already had enough on his plate.

"Thank you," Remus said, leaning against the desk. "You'll find the spells I'm teaching useful
if the need of them arises. The Ministry may disapprove of my curriculum, but I want you
and the students to be prepared. I don't want to shield you, but rather give you a fighting
chance with what is out there."
"Is that why you're so hard on us now? You want us to learn these spells because…"

"They might save your life," Remus finished, walking towards him. "Now, Harry, what is it
that you need to tell me, I can tell there is more on your mind than my lessons."

Remus stood in front of him, patiently waiting for him to answer.

"I've been doing what you've told me," Harry said, taking the map out of the pockets of his
robes. "I've been watching Draco. Has the map ever had a glitch or made mistakes before?"

"No, that's not possible. I spent years perfecting that map. There's no way for it to make
mistakes. Why do you ask?"

"It's just when I'm watching Draco on the map, sometimes I can't find him."

"That's very peculiar, do you mind if I take a look?"

Harry handed him the map.

Remus took it, opening it up and spreading it out on Harry's desk.

"I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good," he muttered.

Harry watched as he examined the map, muttering a few spells and tapping at it with his
wand every few minutes. Harry could see some of the moving dots on the page. Ron and
Hermione were just outside waiting for him. Severus was in his office. He then searched for
Draco until he found his dot moving in one of the corridors.

After a while Remus closed it up and handed it back to Harry. "It appears to be okay. That's
very strange, it's never made a mistake before unless he's leaving the grounds, that's all I can
think of. When he disappears, is it the same time everyday?"

"No, it's very random. It mainly happens at night, sometimes it's during the day, always at
different times."

"Keep watching, Harry, something is bound to pop up. The map doesn't make mistakes, that
means it's something Draco is doing. I'll inform Severus of this so he knows what is going
on."

Harry nodded, trying not to feel hopeless. He really hoped Remus might have more helpful
answers to this mystery that kept him up at night and if he did, he wasn't telling him. At least
he had gotten one theory that made sense, but it brought more questions with it. How on earth
was Draco leaving the grounds so often without getting caught?

Harry picked up his bag, making sure the map was hidden in his robes next to his invisibility
cloak and handed Remus his wand. They were just saying their goodbyes when suddenly
they were interrupted by a witch with mousy-brown hair.

It was Tonks but she seemed sad, not her usual vibrant self.
"Remus…" she greeted then stopped at the sight of Harry. "Wotcher, Harry."

"Hello, Tonks," Harry greeted. "How's Mad-Eye?"

"Paranoid as usual," she said, glancing at Remus. Her cheeks grew a bit pink, matching her
now pink hair color.

Harry watched as their eyes met. "Harry, why don't you go on and catch up to your friends. I
need a word with Tonks," Remus said, clearly dismissing him.

"Okay…"

Harry eyed them suspiciously and then left the room wondering why Tonks was acting all
weird with Remus. They had nothing in common and were in no way connected. It was weird
she was needing Remus' company. He wondered if Severus knew about this sudden
friendship. Was it even a friendship that was going on? Harry knew Severus and Remus were
fighting recently and he hoped it wasn't because Tonks was coming between them, was his
last thought before joining his best friends for lunch at the Great Hall.

The afternoon passed quickly for Severus, especially since he didn't have his first year class
after lunch. Trying not to get worked up again over Albus handing over half his classes to
Slughorn, Severus decided to visit Remus who should also be done with lessons for the day.
He tapped at the portrait door of the werewolf's office and heard a soft "enter".

Severus stepped into the office, finding Remus at his desk sorting through an alarmingly high
pile of student scrolls. He quickly glanced around the office, noting a few cages of magical
dark creatures, defense books stacked on top of each other everywhere, Black's guitar was on
the windowsill with a battered muggle notebook and a few empty wine bottles beside it.
Severus frowned at them, then spied Remus' cane tucked away in the corner; he hadn't had to
use it since he was declared one hundred percent recovered by Poppy just days ago. Remus
had joked about burning the cane, but Severus knew that Remus knew of the high possibility
of using it again.

"I see you've fallen behind on paperwork."

Severus wiped his sweaty hands on his pants. It had been a while since they were alone
together. The first few weeks of term had kept them both very busy, the only time they had to
talk were during meal times in the Great Hall; Severus' favorite time of the day.

Remus chuckled, "I've over reached a bit with homework this week and I want to get all the
grading done before the full-moon next week. It scares me to think how big the pile will be if
I don't finish these this weekend."

"Oh, I thought you might want to have a chat over tea, but if you need help you need only to
ask, especially now that I'm only teaching the fifth, sixth and seventh years."

Remus kept his eyes on the scroll he was correcting and chuckled at Severus again. "I take it
you're still angry about Slughorn?"
Severus scowled at the reminder. He came here to forget about it, not discuss it. Yet since
Slughorn had arrived, they've both been busy with lessons and the issues with Harry's recent
breakdown and detentions, he hadn't yet to hear Remus' thoughts on the matter. Now that the
chance had arrived, he became rather interested. So he held his tongue, restraining himself
from snapping out a remark and forced his voice down to a calmer tone than he originally
intended. "Yes, I am, you've never told me what you thought about this nonsense."

"I doubt it is only to give you more time for the Order. You've never had a problem keeping
up with your duties before. I figure it has to be due to Harry's lessons with Albus. Albus must
want something from Slughorn and the only way to get it is through Harry. You know how
Slughorn is, we've had him as a professor during our time here. Slughorn loves to surround
himself with students that have potential to become something great. No doubt he'll try
everything he can to get Harry in his Slug Club, and Albus may use that to his advantage. I
wouldn't be surprised if Harry finds himself having to work to get into Slughorn's good
graces very soon on Albus' orders."

"You should've been in Ravenclaw," Severus said, mulling over what Remus said. "How did
you come up with this theory?"

Remus shrugged as he continued to write on the scroll he was working on.

Severus kept his eyes on him, noting the exhaustion on his face. Was it due to nightmares still
or just being overworked? He then glanced at the wine bottles, then quickly back to Remus.
Could it be possible Remus has been spending his nights drinking?

Unaware of Severus' thoughts, Remus said, "It's the only reason I can think of that makes
sense. I mean why else would Albus pull Slughorn out of retirement?"

Severus sat down on the squishy and threadbare armchair in front of Remus' desk, mulling
over what the werewolf said. It did sound like Albus to have some brilliant scheme up his
sleeve.

"Now did you come here only to discuss matters on Albus and Slughorn or do you care for a
cup of tea?" Remus asked, putting away the scroll and placing it on the small pile of graded
assignments.

"I would care for a cup of tea with you, Remus, only if you let me help you with your work."

Remus pulled out his wand and with a quick wave, the kettle was placed in the fireplace with
boiling water.

"As long as your corrections are reasonable."

"I am reasonable! You're just too soft on these kids," Severus snapped as he grabbed a scroll,
a deep red ink bottle and a raggedy and bent looking quill.

Time began to pass and the pile of student work began to grow smaller than the pile of the
graded scrolls. Remus suddenly stopped and stretched then refilled their tea cups. Severus put
down his quill and rolled up Dean Thomas' paper which he gave a respectable A, it was really
a D, but he kept true to his word to Remus that he'll be reasonable.

"Harry spoke to me today," Remus said.

"How is he doing in your class?"

"Excellent as always. He told me Draco has been acting oddly on the Marauder's Map."

"I still don't like that you encouraged him to watch Draco… I can tell Harry is losing sleep
over it."

"I did it to give him something to do, to keep him busy and feel a part of your and Albus'
plan. And to keep him from feeling left out and doing something drastic."

"You might be onto something," Severus said. They made eye contact for a second, holding
each other's gaze for a couple of moments before Severus, growing suddenly shy and feeling
his heart leaping into his throat, looked away. "What did Harry say to you?"

"Draco's been disappearing on the map. That map is perfect and never mistakes anyone's
location. That means…"

"Draco is leaving the school grounds," Severus finished for him.

Remus nodded.

Severus scowled, "I'll corner the boy as soon as I can and get the truth out of him!"

"Slytherins," Remus chuckled, tossing a scroll at him. "Always resorting to drastic measures,
just don't traumatize the boy, Severus, you're scary enough with that scowl of yours."

That laugh of Remus' gave Severus butterflies and he laughed in return, he couldn't help it. It
was rare to see Remus act like the Marauder he used to be, playful and a jokester. He used to
have the childish air of the Weasley twins. It was sad to see that spirit gone, but worth
everything to see it spark once in a while in those eyes and in that mischievous smile.
Severus couldn't help but notice how Remus glowed in the half light of the dying candles.

And before he knew it, Severus was saying, "I've been wanting to ask you if you wanted to
go down to the Hogshead pub Saturday night after dinner for a drink. The pub is a bit run-
down and usually empty, we shouldn't be bothered there."

Am I asking him out on a date? Severus realized in horror. Please say yes… He would surely
die of embarrassment if rejected. He wasn't used to asking someone out. He wasn't used to
showing someone this side of him.

"Severus, I'm touched," Remus looked at him, his eyes full of earnestness and guilt. Severus'
stomach churned in horror as Remus continued, his voice sounding very far away.

"I'm sorry, Severus, I cannot. You see, Tonks and I have made plans to have dinner at the
Three Broomsticks tomorrow night… It's possible Professor Vector may join us as well
later… You can come join us if you want."

Severus came back to reality, trying to ignore the sick feeling in his stomach of rejection.
"No," Severus snapped.

Remus looked taken aback, his face setting into a stern expression. "No?"

"Why are you going out with her?" Severus hated himself for saying those words. Why did
he always get so nasty at times like this? The worst of Severus always showed when he was
hurt.

"We are friends and she asked, plus she's having trouble with coming to terms with Sirius'
death. She wants to talk about it and well, I'm the only one left that was close to him besides
Harry. It'll be good for both of us."

So he's ditching me to be with a girl that likes him so they can talk about his dead ex!

"That's hogwash and you know it! It's just an excuse to talk to you, she barely knew Black.
It's obvious she likes you!"

"Severus, don't say that!" Remus shot back, glaring hazel-green eyes didn't erase the rage
growing inside Severus.

His hands were shaking, Severus stood up. He wasn't gonna do this, if Remus wanted to hang
around with that love-struck clumsy witch then so be it!

"Enjoy your date, I'll be at the Hogshead tomorrow night waiting for you to come to your
senses."

He knew he was being childish, but he couldn't stand that witch going after Remus! Why did
she have to choose his werewolf out of any other eligible bachelor? It had to be Remus! He
left the office before Remus could say another word, he just didn't want to hear it or be
around the werewolf at the moment. He didn't want Remus to see how deeply affected
Severus was by this.

Saturday evening was finally here and still no sign of Remus coming to apologize and accept
his invitation. That meant Remus chose the witch over him. Severus had spent the whole day
grading and lesson planning. His brain felt like a pile of mush and the quiet corridors were
now growing noisy from over excited students returning from a day at the Hogsmeade
village.

Harry was returning among them with his friends. Severus had given him some pocket
money that morning after breakfast for butterbeer, sugary treats and products from Zonkos, a
popular joke shop of the Hogwarts students. He usually disapproved of spending his money
on wasteful teenage things, but he had done it in hopes that his son would let loose for the
day and act like a care-free teen. Severus couldn't help but remember how Harry had blushed
and refused the coins at first, then accepted it when Severus scowled in annoyance. Harry
stammered his thanks, then gave him a quick hug before joining his friends. A hug that took
Severus by surprise. Harry never initiated any sort of affectionate contact like that and so
Severus always tried to appreciate those rare moments.

Severus pulled his attention back to grading essays. Ronald Weasley's was next. He ran his
hands through his hair in frustration at Weasley's stupid, bullshit of an essay. His thoughts
wandered to Remus and how he could make Severus blush with one glance of those hazel-
green eyes. He wasn't at all surprised that Remus hadn't yet to show himself. Severus
deserved his absence for the way he acted last night. He couldn't contain his jealousy over the
witch and it made him look like a fool. Maybe Remus was better off with her tonight.

Severus stretched and rubbed his face at his embarrassment of his actions. Yes, he was a prat
yesterday but there was still hope. He glanced at the clock, there was still time for Remus to
come by, and so Severus pulled himself together, focusing his attention back on the essay.

Once he couldn't bear to read and grade anymore, he decided that he had given the blasted
wolf enough time… He isn't coming!

Severus lit his path by the tip of his wand as he walked to Hogsmeade. With a night as quiet
and peaceful as this one, it was hard to believe that the wizarding world was going through a
war. That outside these walls, there were people dealing with death, people living in fear. It
was easy to pretend that things were normal when one can bury themselves with school work,
but the war would always find its way through the castle walls, it made itself known each
morning through the Daily Prophet.

This morning it was the death of Hannah Abbot's mother. She was murdered by Death Eaters
and Severus hated himself for not being able to save her. He had no idea that she was
targeted. It has been a while since he was called into service by the Dark Lord. A good
couple of weeks of not being in mortal danger and he should be grateful, relieved even, but it
terrified him. The Dark Lord's silence was something to be afraid of. And for the thousandth
time, Severus wished to his very core that he could just take Harry and go into hiding. Just
wait it out until the war has ended. Then reality brought him back to his senses and he knew
those wishes were foolish and far-fetched. Due to his dreadful connection with the Dark
Lord, Severus could never escape the war and neither could his son. He hated that Harry was
at the center of it without a choice. Severus had a choice and he made it and so he had to pay
for it.

Lost in his brooding thoughts about the war, they started to lead him to the terrible promise
he must full-fill for Albus, of which he immediately shut them down, refusing to get lost in
that. In doing so, Severus suddenly found himself in front of the Hogshead pub. He pulled up
the hood of his cloak, not wishing to be seen or bothered by anyone before entering the worn
down building. He ignored the strange and few occupants in the pub as he sat himself down
at the furthest and darkest booth.

After Severus finished his first goblet of dark red wine, he had completely given up waiting
for Remus to show himself. He didn't know why Remus suddenly needed the company of
Nymphadora Tonks, wasn't Severus enough? She could never understand the trauma Remus
had gone through during the past summer, how he fought against everyone, including himself
for his life. She could never understand, and yet, Remus chose her company over him.
Severus finished his goblet of wine at that thought, as if it would numb the gut-wrenching
pain he felt from it.

As Severus started his second goblet of wine, a glass of honey mead suddenly appeared in
front of him.

"Are you alright, Severus? You're looking a bit peaky."

Severus slammed his goblet down hard on the wooden and worn table.

"What are you doing here!" he snapped.

"Is it a crime to join you for a drink, Severus? I've just returned from the Ministry concerning
Mrs. Abbot's death. Pomona, as Hufflepuff head of house, accompanied Hannah home."

"I couldn't save her, Albus," Severus sighed, staring into his goblet of wine. He didn't want to
see pity or disappointment in those piercing blue eyes he sometimes hated.

"I know, it's not your fault, Severus. No matter how hard we try, there are always going to be
casualties."

"I haven't had a call in weeks, since that night…"

"That night you refused to take Harry to him?"

"I was punished greatly that night, I might still be getting punished for it. He may have
believed me but there is still room for doubt. Why else would he be so distant to me?"
Severus said, finally looking up at the old wizard who's cheerful manner evaporated from the
melancholy conversation.

"I don't think he doubts you, Severus, I believe he is lying low in hope to spread fear among
us. Abbot's death may just be the work of Death Eaters out of control and not under his
orders."

Severus just shook his head and drank some more wine. Albus suddenly put a gentle hand on
his shoulder, leaning closer to Severus, so he was forced to make eye contact with him.
Severus was relieved to find only sorrow and compassion as Albus said, "Just be vigilant as
always. As long as we follow the plan, things can go our way for this war and it will be all
because of you and Harry."

At the mention of his son, Severus felt his heart squeeze in fear for him as they held eye
contact for another moment before Severus looked away to sip his wine. He didn't need to
raid Albus' brain to know what he was thinking, because in the end, it was going to come
down to Albus, Severus, and then it would be Harry.

"You should be proud of your son," Albus said, taking a few sips of his mead.

"I'm always proud of him," Severus said. "And even if he chose to go into hiding instead of
fighting, I'll go with him and I'll still be proud."
"Severus…you know that will never be a possibility, you know Harry better than anyone,
he'll never run."

"I know! I just can't help but wish he wasn't too much like his bloody Gryffindor parents!
Things would be very different if he was a Slytherin."

"Yes, different indeed…" Albus said, sipping his mead as they sat in silence for a few
moments, then the old wizard added, "Alas, wishes won't save this war, Severus. It is up to us
and what we are willing to sacrifice. You need to be prepared to do what you promised, no
matter how painful it's going to be. Harry is strong. He'll get through it and I promise to you
that he'll know in the end, you did it for him."

"That's all I ask, Albus. I made my promise to you, and I always keep my word. You have
nothing to fear of me betraying you. I'm loyal to you until the end because I know you'll get
us through this war, but I can't deny that it's tearing me up inside. I know very soon I'm going
to have to fulfill it and it kills me to think of Harry and how it will affect him, especially after
everything we went through that led to us becoming a family. It tears my soul to pieces to
know I have to hurt my son this way."

Severus stopped to finish up his wine, he didn't know why he was suddenly revealing all of
what was bothering him, maybe he should lay off the wine.

Albus stayed silent, watching him with that same sorrowful and compassionate look.

It was better than pity, so Severus felt comfortable enough to continue, "It pains me to admit
this, Albus, tell no one or I'll look you in the eye and completely deny it. The promise I must
do for you, it falls on me. The outcome of the war, it falls on me, and that scares me,
especially to do it alone once you're…once you're gone. And I know this is what you want,
this is your choice. I cannot see the future but because you believe it must go this way, I
know it will be okay, I know it's going to be bright…sometimes it's just hard to remember
that…"

"I shall never reveal the fears you carry, Severus." Albus finished his mead and clasped
Severus on the shoulder once more. "Don't you worry, my son, don't be afraid, we will do this
together. I couldn't have had a better person to do this with, to fight for the light with me."

And they sat together for a third round of drinks, no longer speaking about war or fear or
betrayals and chasing the light, they were just two colleagues enjoying each other's company
before heading back to Hogwarts.
 I See You
Chapter Summary

I apologize for not posting this last weekend like I was supposed to! I was at the Taylor
Swift Eras concert in L.A.! And then I was too exhausted to work on this haha. To make
up for that, I may post another chapter by tomorrow.

Chapter Seven - I See You

The days passed with Severus avoiding Remus everytime he had the misfortune to pass the
werewolf in the corridors, Severus always made sure to look away, avoiding that hazel-green
gaze. Everytime Severus felt those eyes on him he would lose all feeling in his legs, his heart
would threaten to beat out of his chest, and it always took Severus everything he had to keep
moving and not just go to Remus.

Severus wanted to apologize to Remus for his behavior, but he couldn't do it. His pride would
always stop him and he knew he was being a stubborn fool. Prideful, stubbornness, a bloody
quick temper… Those were always his flaws and they always got in the way.

And what was worse than Severus seeing Remus in the corridors and not being able to see
those eyes land on him, to not see a friendly smile from him, to not just go to him and
apologize, held back by his own stubbornness and pride, were the nights that Remus and
Tonks would patrol the corridors together. The witch was always besides Remus who was
always making her laugh whenever he caught sight of them walking together, jealousley
wishing he was the one in Tonks' place, laughing from Remus' Marauderish behavior. That
was so rare to see these days…except with her… Severus noticed how Tonks was bringing
that playful side out of Remus again. He hated it, yet he was grateful for her to do that…
Remus really did look happier around her… It seemed to help his depression a bit, but
Severus still hated the witch.

It should be me! Severus would think whenever he walked the corridors at night and had the
rotten luck to spot them walking by, sneaking a glance and catching Remus' smile that would
brighten up the cool and dark corridors of the castle.

Why couldn't I have that effect on him? What does he see in that blasted clumsy witch? And
Severus felt like this was a Lily and James Potter situation all over again. The person most
dear to him falling for another, and Severus was forced to watch in the shadows, forgotten….

Severus spent several sleepless nights such as this one, tossing and turning in bed, berating
himself for being jealous, foolish, prideful and a coward… Why couldn't he just be brave and
admit he was wrong and apologize?
It was just so fucking hard to go through the days without a single smile across the room
from Remus. It was hard to think that he once hated the wolf with a passion when now he'll
give anything for that smile…

Severus turned on his back, staring up at the ceiling and wondering if Remus was awake
several floors above, if Remus was thinking of Severus like he was thinking of him,
desperately trying to figure out how to apologize and most of all, would Remus forgive him?

He only managed to sleep a couple of hours before his alarm forced him awake. Feeling like
death, he dressed in his usual black robes, ate breakfast alone in his quarters this time because
he couldn't bear the sight of Remus yet or feel the loneliness from the absence of a smile. He
was feeling grumpy from the lack of sleep this morning and that was the last thing he could
take.

This morning there was to be a staff meeting with the Order before classes started and
Severus was dreading it, it would force him and Remus in the same room together. He just
wanted to skive it off but he would certainly hear it from Albus.

Moments later, Severus arrived at the staff room where most of the staff and Order members
were already congregating amongst each other. Thankfully, Remus hadn't arrived yet,
allowing Severus a chance to settle down and get ready for the meeting in peace.

With his arms loaded down with books and scrolls for his classes today, he made his way to
the far right corner to his favorite armchair and placed his stuff on the side table. Before
sitting down, Severus decided to grab a cup of coffee from the coffee/tea bar. He was pouring
black coffee into a mug when Minerva McGonagall made her way over to Severus who
sighed inwardly, he really wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone.

"Severus, it's nice to see you out and about this morning, where have you been hiding lately?"

"Minerva, pleasure as always to see you as well. I've been rather busy keeping up with the
higher division coursework. I'm so glad Albus decided to take the load of the younger
students off me, if he hadn't, I most likely wouldn't be faring as well." His voice dripped with
sarcasm that Minerva didn't miss, causing her to smile.

"Oh, Severus, Albus has his reasons, you know that. He doesn't think you're an incompetent
teacher."

Severus just shook his head and gestured to the empty armchairs. "Care to sit with me?" he
asked. Maybe her company wasn't all bad. He always did prefer Minerva's presence more
than his other coworkers.

"I'll love to, Severus," she poured herself some tea, and together they made their way to their
seats.

Once they were settled, Severus asked, "Now, Minerva, what is it that made you seek my
company this morning?"
Minerva frowned at the question, her lips so thin in her grimace, that Severus knew whatever
was bothering her couldn't be good. "It's about Draco Malfoy," she said, the frustration she
felt with the boy was heard in every word of that sentence.

Severus felt his stomach churn over in frustration of that kid, he could guess where this
conversation was heading, he also was having problems with him during lessons. He hadn't
even had a chance to talk to Draco either because he was always avoiding him.

"He hasn't been turning in his assignments and he's not paying attention in class. He is
distracted, tired, unfocused and more ruder than usual, and I'm sure he's been acting out in his
other classes as well," Minerva continued.

As the formidable witch spoke, out of the corner of his eye, Severus noticed Remus enter the
staff room with Tonks and Professor Vector beside him.

And it took everything in him to not react.

It took everything in Severus to keep his gaze on Minerva. He was glad he was holding a cup
of coffee, it prevented his hands from shaking from nervousness.

When Minerva paused, he realized she was waiting for an answer, and so he cleared his
throat, forcing his voice to sound strong and collected, "Yes, he's been like that in mine as
well. I've noticed his behavior."

"Good, then maybe you can talk sense into that boy," Minerva said as she took a tentative sip
of her hot tea. Severus sipped his coffee as well, barely tasting it as he regained his
composure, hiding his feelings under his mask.

"Now, I know Malfoy has always been difficult to deal with," Minerva continued. "However,
he's never let his grades slip. That is why I always gave him the benefit of the doubt to not
suspend him for his past antics, because he was always serious about his studies. I've talked
to the other professors and they all say he is falling behind due to missing assignments. Now,
don't feel like I'm berating you, Severus, but this behavior has gone on long enough. We all
would hate to see him lose his way like this. I'm really hoping you can talk sense into Malfoy
and get him back on track, before it's too late for him to catch up."

"I hear you, Minerva, and I will talk to him. I don't care what is going on with him, this
behavior is no excuse. I shall assign him detention until he catches up. In those detentions
he'll complete all of his missing assignments. I'll talk to him as soon as possible."

Severus knew exactly what was going on with Draco, but he didn't voice it to Minerva.
Draco's task sounded like it wasn't going well. That meant Severus' time was running out to
stop Draco from doing something stupid, and so he made it a point to talk to the boy by the
end of the day.

"Thank you, Severus, I'm sorry to burden you this morning."

"Don't apologize, Minerva, thank you for telling me all of this. I'll make it a point to talk to
Malfoy by the end of the day."
Minerva nodded her thanks, and together they enjoyed each other's company by talking about
their lessons and the students. Severus always loved receiving advice from the formidable
and wise witch, whose teaching experience was something Severus always respected. He was
glad of the chit-chat, it allowed Severus to regain his composure and not lose it in front of the
entire staff and Order members. He couldn't bear the thought of them seeing him blush over
Remus Lupin.

Remus, Tonks and Professor Vector took seats at the opposite side of the room amongst the
Order members. Severus felt a rush of anger and annoyance, Vector wasn't even a Order
member. The only reason he was sitting there was because of Remus. He could feel Remus'
eyes on him, but Severus kept his attention on Minerva, never once backing down, even
when he could see in his peripheral vision everytime Vector leaned close, whispering to
Remus, making him smile, tearing his attention away from Severus. Tonks said something to
them that Severus couldn't hear, causing all three of them to laugh.

And seeing that, his jealousy and rage that started this argument resurfaced, reminding
Severus why he was angry at the wolf. He knew he was being petty and childish, but Severus
had dealt with rejection all his life, until he grew close to Remus, who welcomed him in with
open arms, giving him a comfortable friendship that allowed Severus to open up and show
his true self underneath the hard iron mask he always wore, only for Remus to crush it at the
first witch who took an interest in him.

"Thank you for meeting me all here today…" Albus began.

Severus let Albus continue on about himself having to leave during certain periods
throughout the school year, no one bothered to ask why, they knew it was important
information that couldn't be revealed. Extra patrols and guards needed to be stationed during
his absences, as if all of them didn't have enough to do already, especially the Hogwarts
professors.

Albus' words were soon lost on Severus. He couldn't pay attention. It wasn't like him to
neglect his duties and act like a love-struck teenager, but he couldn't help it. Remus Lupin
would one day be the death of him.

And how could one simple conversation between them on a Saturday evening turn into this?
How did it lead to them not speaking to each other? There were a million different ways how
that evening could've ended, a million different ways on how Severus could have reacted to
Remus going out with Tonks, but he chose to act out aggressively on his jealousy and pride.

Now in this full room of professors and Order members, Severus was sitting not next to
Remus, but with Minerva. He imagined a different reality where Severus acted better that
night. Remus could've been sitting here in this chair, passing whispered conversations and
jokes, or sharing the advice and conversations about students and lessons with Severus and
Minerva. And Tonks was beside Alastor Moody where she belonged. Vector was sitting alone
with the professors, both far away from Remus. Severus so much wanted to be in that reality.
Why couldn't he just gain the courage to apologize and admit that whatever was going on
between them, was more than friendship? They have kissed twice in the past, that must mean
something….
And it was killing Severus to think about that, killing him slowly as he wondered what was
going on in Remus' head. Was he hurting as well or was he happy with them? He didn't want
to know the answer to that question. Maybe it was for the best that he chose the company of
Vector and Tonks, after all Severus couldn't offer a future for Remus because of Albus… He
then chased away the thoughts of Albus and his task. He didn't want to dwell on that
hopelessness.

Albus soon ended the meeting to Severus' relief. He picked up his scrolls and books for his
lessons, said his goodbyes to Minerva and was out of that room before anyone else had the
chance to speak to him.

Severus trudged on through his morning lessons, really feeling the effects of the sleep he's
been losing and the stress from the disastrous meeting. It took all he could to push back his
feelings on seeing Remus with Tonks and Vector to the back of his mind, just so he could
focus on his lessons and get through the day. He made sure his emotions were in check, his
mask on, because he didn't want any of his students to notice something going on with him.
That was the last thing he needed. He worked hard to be the scary, intimidating Potions
Professor, and Merlin, he wasn't ready to lose that title, even for Remus bloody Lupin!

It was the last lesson of the day, sixth year Potions with the Gryffindors and Slytherins. At a
last moment decision, he decided to change the lesson he planned, which was to have the
students brew Amortentia, the strongest love potion in the world. It was known to give off a
smell that reminded you of the person you loved.

Severus had spent yesterday evening brewing a batch for this class and was sick of smelling
chocolate and dusty book smell, parchment and ink, and a forestry-wild kind of fresh scent he
couldn't figure out. He knew that scent was Remus Lupin. It reminded him of their evenings
drinking tea in the wolf's office. He knew he had feelings for him, knew the wolf made him
feel things he hadn't in a long time, but he wouldn't go as far as to call it love. That possibility
scared him. Falling in love was something he didn't want to think about, especially since he
couldn't have that future. It just pained him, the scent teasing him with something he could
never have.

And so, he couldn't bear to smell that addicting scent again. It would just cause another
sleepless night. So Severus decided to have the sixth years practice brewing any potion
they've covered in the last weeks, anything they've had trouble with.

Over at the Gryffindor table, Harry was sitting among his friends. Severus decided to stroll
by them to see how they were faring on their potions. He paused by Granger's potion, which
was almost acceptable but not quite there yet. He stirred the ladle and muttered advice to her.
She nodded and began to work on improving her potion. He passed by Weasley and rolled his
eyes at the mess. It was supposed to be a simple Wit-Sharpening Potion, they just covered
that last week. Instead of the bright yellow it was supposed to turn into, it was a very murky
and ugly dark green, there was no saving it now.
He made the potion disappear. "Try again. Have Granger help you," was all he said. He did
promise Harry he'll act more civil towards his friends during lessons, but it wouldn't stop him
from letting them know their potions were rubbish!

He then went to Harry's cauldron. "You're brewing Veritaserum?"

Harry nodded. "Yes, Professor."

Severus bent over the cauldron and stirred it once. To his surprise, it was turning out well.
Which meant Harry did every step perfectly. And this wasn't as easy as the Wit-Sharpening
Potion, even Severus had to modify the instructions for Veritaserum a bit when he was a
student. Severus gave Harry a suspicious glance. How was he so good at Potions all of a
sudden?

"Weasley! On second thought, you should ask Potter for help since suddenly he's a genius at
Potions." His eyes met Harry's as he said those words. The boy just looked away, his cheeks
red.

He's up to something.

"See me after class and bring me your Potions book."

It was strange that Harry, who was always so abysmal in Potions, (Severus had to tutor him
during the summer), was suddenly producing better brews than Granger and Draco, the two
smart kids in his sixth year lessons. No amount of tutoring would ever had brought Harry up
their level in a short amount of time

He then moved his way to the Slytherin tables, where he found a sleeping Draco; his
cauldron not even on. He picked up the boy's closed Potions book and slammed it hard
against the table, causing a loud noise that silenced the room, startling the Slytherin awake.

"Hey!" Draco shouted.

"Office! Now!" Severus snapped, everyone stopped what they were doing, watching the
scene in silence, no one dared to mess around or fall asleep in Professor Snape's lessons.

"Here we go…" Draco muttered as he stood up.

Hearing the muttered cheek from the boy, Severus grabbed him by the scruff of his robes and
dragged him to his office.

"Ow! Hey! Get your bloody hands off me!" Draco shouted.

"Nobody moves!" Severus shouted. "Continue working on your potions. If any of you leave
this classroom, detention for the rest of term! Parkinson as Head Girl of Slytherin House,
you're in charge!"

"Ow! Professor, let me go!"

"Get inside!" Severus shouted, shoving him in his office and slamming the door shut. He took
care putting up a Silencing Charm, knowing how sneaky and nosy his son and his friends
could be.

"Skipping class, not doing your homework, missing assignments, your foul attitude, and now
sleeping in class! What's gotten into you?!"

"It's none of your business! Besides, I don't think I'm cut out for this school thing anymore. I
have bigger and far more important things to do than sit here brewing stupid potions!" Draco
shouted. His eyes were bloodshot, his blonde hair always carefully styled was disheveled;
looking a bit like Harry's.

"I don't care what the Dark Lord has you doing, it's not an excuse to be goofing off at
school!"

"What's the point! Soon there probably won't even be a school to graduate from!"

"Detention, Malfoy! I don't want to hear anymore of these excuses! You're going to spend
three days out of the week with me and your professors for an hour or two making up all the
assignments you've missed. Until you're caught up, your detentions will end!"

"Fine!" Malfoy scowled. "If that's it then, I need to get back to my potion!"

"What potion? You insolent brat! You haven't even started yet! And that's the first thing
you're going to be doing when you spend detention with me!" Severus shouted.

"Fine! Can I go start it then?"

The boy glared at him with tired blue eyes. Severus could see the circles under the boy's eyes.
He hasn't been sleeping, his skin pale and he did look thin, which meant he hasn't been
eating. Maybe he was wrong to be so harsh on him. Severus shook his head, feeling his
frustration at the Slytherin fade away.

"Draco, I know of your task. Tell me how I can help you, you don't have to do this alone."

Draco only scoffed at his words.

"Just so you can steal all the glory and prove to the Dark Lord your loyalties? No this is my
time, don't take it away from me, it's the only way!"

"That's not my intention!"

Malfoy shoved his way past the door.

"Look, Professor, I'll do the detentions, I'll turn in my assignments, only so you and my
professors can get off my back. Don't worry about me, I have a plan. I don't need your help, I
can do this. And tell your bloody son to keep away from me!"

"Draco!"
But the teen left and the bell rang, signaling the end of lessons.

"Fuck!" Severus shouted.

That conversation didn't go as well as he hoped it would. It went so disastrously wrong due to
his bloody temper, he lost any chance he had in helping him. It just ended up with Draco
pushing him away even more. Although that didn't mean that Severus was going to stop, he
wasn't going to give up on his godson. He gave himself time to calm down before heading
back to the class, he heard the students packing away and cleaning up their cauldrons.

"Bloody teenagers!" he muttered, having enough of being in their company.

"Pass up your phials and go!" he ordered, standing at his desk. Students scurried up to his
desk, leaving their potions.

"Potter! Your book!" he snapped out when he caught Harry and his friends placing their
potions on his desk.

"We'll wait for you outside," Granger said. "Come on, Ron!"

"Are we really going to leave him with that…"

Severus raised an eyebrow, daring Weasley to continue.

Granger looked at Ron then at Severus. "Ron! Come on!" She grabbed his arm and pulled
him away. Harry stood by the desk, looking down, clenching a Potions book to his chest.

"Leave!" Severus snapped to the last of the students, once the door was shut Severus
snapped, "Your book!"

Harry pulled his gaze away from the floor, glaring at him. For once Severus didn't care if this
led to an argument. He was angry enough and was tired of walking on eggshells with this
boy. Harry was up to something and he was going to find out what it was! There's no way he
was suddenly a genius in Potions, no bloody way! Harry handed Severus the book, keeping
his glare on him as Severus flipped it open, revealing its clean pages. Severus checked the
front cover finding a name written inside.

Roonil Wazlib

"So this is your copy of Advanced Potion-Making, Potter?"

"Yes," Harry said.

"The very one that I purchased for you at Flourish and Blotts, that very copy?"

"Yes!"

"And you are quite sure that this book here in my hand…" He raised the book up in the air.
"Is that copy?"
"Yes!"

"Then why does it have Roonil Waslib inside the front cover?! Tell me, Potter, is that
supposed to be you?"

"Yes! It's my nickname!" Harry shouted with conviction. Severus for once couldn't tell if he
was lying and he certainly wasn't backing down if he were.

"Your nickname? Funny, I've never seemed to hear anyone call you that…" Severus flipped
through the book once more before slamming it shut.

"Well it is," Harry retorted, not batting an eye.

"Do you really think I'm stupid enough to believe that? If I find out you're lying…"

"I'm not lying!" Harry interrupted. "As it is my book, so I don't know what you're looking for.
What's gotten into you anyway, you're in such a rotten mood!"

"Stay out of it, Potter! Now tell me, why are you suddenly a Potions genius!"

"I don't know…I guess you did a great job tutoring me this summer."

Severus noticed Harry didn't look him in the eye.

He's fucking lying!

He didn't need to try Legilimency on the boy to find out he was a bad liar.

"If I find out you're lying or doing something you shouldn't be doing, something stupid, you
and I are going to have words! And then you'll be stuck in detention from now until you
graduate, Potter!"

"I'm not doing anything!" Harry shouted.

"Get out of here!" Severus snapped, tossing the book back at Harry. "I'm expecting you at my
quarters for dinner this evening, we have Occlumency tonight, plus there is something I want
to talk to you and your friends about, so bring them."

"Ron and Hermione? I'm not sure if they would even want to come after today."

"Just do as I say!"

"Okay okay, I'll tell them!"

"A little respect would be nice, kid!"

"Yeah, well it's hard when you're snapping and being foul! How am I supposed to respect you
when you're not respecting me?"

Severus sighed, "Look, I'm sorry, okay, it's been a rough day and I didn't mean to be harsh
about your sudden talent for Potions."
"You just can't accept the fact that I may be good at it."

"Don't push it!"

They stared at each other and Severus tousled up Harry's messy black hair, erasing some of
the tension. "I love you, son, no matter how much of a git I acted today."

"I know, Severus."

"Go on, join your friends, they are waiting for you."

Harry handed him his wand and left the classroom.

Severus spent the rest of the afternoon completing the Wolfsbane Potion for tonight's full-
moon. The Wolfsbane was meant for Remus to keep his mind during his time as a wolf. A
few years ago when Remus first taught here, he was able to change in his quarters behind
closed doors, curled up in his bed as a wolf to sleep the night away. This time at the request
of parents and the school board, Remus had to do his changes in the Shrieking Shack; far
away from Hogwarts.

Severus hated that Remus had to go back there every month. He wondered if the werewolf
was reminded of his friends, reminded of the last time he changed there three years ago. Just
as Severus was reminded of it every time he went down there to aid Madam Pomfrey in
caring for the injured werewolf on the morning after every full-moon.

Severus remembered clearly that night at the Shrieking Shack, of confronting Sirius Black
and Remus, then getting knocked out and waking up to a werewolf ready to attack before it
was led away by another howl. That night Severus lost control of himself in his rage over the
Marauders. He forced the embarrassing memory away, trying not to dwell on it. It was
humiliating and painful and never again would he lose control like that. Black always
brought that side out of him. Severus had to repeat to himself that it wasn't Remus' fault, it
was Black, it was always him and now he was dead. Black, always so reckless and cruel, got
what was coming to him; something he'll never reveal to Harry or Remus.

Lost in his bitter thoughts on Black and his terrible memories of the Shrieking Shack,
Severus lost track of time. He hadn't realized how much time he spent brewing before he
realized it was time for dinner, which meant Harry was due to arrive soon. It also meant his
time of avoiding Remus was coming to an end… They would be forced to confront each
other when Severus had to give him the Wolfsbane Potion tonight.

Severus stirred the potion a few more times before pouring it carefully inside the phial and
corking it. He was just placing it on his desk beside a letter; to retrieve later for Remus, when
he heard the portrait door in the living area open and the voices of Harry and his friends
broke the silence of his quarters.
"So this is where he lives?" Weasley said. "It's bloody cozy, mate."

"Ron…" Granger sighed in exasperation. "He might hear you. He was about ready to hex you
after class from your stupid remarks!"

"Yeah, he's not gonna yell at us again, is he? Cus, I'm leaving if he does," Weasley said.

Harry laughed, "I told you it wasn't a dungeon and don't worry, he acts all scary and tough
but he's really harmless."

Bloody teenagers… Severus thought as he made his way to the living room to see that Harry
had left his book bag and robes on the floor by the door. The three were standing in the living
room, Granger and Weasley looking around the room. Granger's eyes on his bookcases.

"Bags and robes in your room, Harry," Severus said.

"Okay…come on, guys, I'll show you my room!" Harry said as he picked up his things and
went to his room.

Severus noticed the pride in his voice as he said it. And realized this was probably the first
time for Harry to have friends over and a room to show off.

"And hang it all up!" Severus called after him.

After several long moments, Severus figured the boy had enough time to show his friends his
room and hang up their stuff. "Come join me at the table!" he called out.

Harry sat at his usual seat at the kitchen table, Ron and Hermione choosing their seats.
Today's dinner was chicken pot pie, courtesy of the Hogwarts house-elves. Severus and Harry
decided to have Friday dinners every other week. Harry always had a choice to either return
to his dorm after or spend the weekend at Severus' quarters, that way Harry was taught
Occlumency and Severus was able to do a mental health check on him.

Today Severus had asked Harry to bring his friends, he wanted to discuss with them the
seriousness of Harry's self-harm and what to do to help him. Harry needed all the support he
could get. Severus didn't want what happened a few weeks ago to happen again, where Harry
had a panic attack and Remus found him alone cutting. He wanted Harry's friends to be there
for him, to help him when Severus and Remus weren't there, especially in the future after
Severus completed Albus' task. Harry would need his friends more than ever once that
happens.

"Thank you for inviting us today, Professor Snape," Granger said as Ron and Harry began to
dig into their food.

Severus nodded in response as he took a bite of his own pie. He watched his son for a few
moments, he was glad Harry was starting to show more interest in food lately. It was a
mission to get him to eat something when he'd first arrived.

The conversation soon turned towards Quidditch. Harry was made captain recently by Albus
and today was his first day of tryouts. The three teens all told him about the potential
Gryffindor candidates for the team, but were careful not to reveal too much, after all Severus
was the one who oversaw the Slytherin team. Severus didn't say much. He just listened as
Harry and Weasley complained about McLaggen making a fool of himself on the Quidditch
field. He also noticed how easily Granger and Weasley would start arguing and Harry would
roll his eyes and distract them with something else to talk about.

How long has that been going on? Severus thought as he quietly finished his food.

Once they were done with dinner, Severus had enough of listening to the banter between the
Gryffindors.

"Come on, Hermione! Admit it, McLaggen likes you! And I mean, you are into brainless
Quidditch types…"

"Shut up, Ron!"

"I'm surprised he was even able to block almost every quaffle; he kept looking at you,
Hermione!" Harry laughed.

"Okay enough!" Severus snapped, all three teens stopped and looked at him. Harry's face was
growing red. "Let's all go sit in the living room, I have something important to discuss with
you two concerning Potter and his self-harm."

"Professor!" Harry gasped.

"Potter!" Severus silenced him.

Harry crossed his arms to his chest but didn't say anything more, Severus knew this was
going to cause an argument later. He could see Harry was closing up. He was looking down
at his lap, his cheeks burning in embarrassment.

"Sir, I'm so glad we are doing this, even if you don't like it, Harry!" Granger said, casting him
a worried look.

"Yeah, mate, we want to help you," Weasley said, although he was looking as uncomfortable
as Harry.

Harry didn't say anything, still avoiding eye contact and looking down.

Severus sighed, he had a feeling this might happen. This conversation was going to be hard,
but he had to do this.

"Go sit down, both of you, Harry and I will be there in a moment."

Granger and Weasley nodded, casting concerned glances at their friend, before following
orders.

Bloody Gryffindors!

Once they were gone Severus stood up in silence, watching Harry who barely moved.
"Look at me, son."

Harry shook his head.

"Potter!"

Harry slowly looked up. Green glaring eyes finally meeting Severus' own.

"Sir, this is embarrassing! I can't do this! I can't talk to them about it. We barely do and when
we do, it's usually because Hermione pushes it, and it gets all awkward… They don't
understand."

"That's why we're having this conversation. So that they do understand and that you can rely
on them as friends to get you through this."

Harry shook his head. "I'm fine!"

"No, you're not fine! Listen, I know it's going to be hard! It's going to be humiliating, but it
has to be done! And you're going to go in there and sit with us! We are having this
conversation! We have to, just in case Remus and I are not with you…" Severus stopped, he
had to reign in his temper before they both started yelling their heads off at each other.

At that thought, Harry's body loosened from the tension and his glare softened. "Just in case
you guys aren't around because of the war…"

Severus nodded.

"Fine…" Harry muttered and got up from the chair and walked to the living room with a
determined air of just getting this conversation over with. Severus was just glad he got the
kid to cooperate.

"Okay, so you two know about his habit and his wand privileges being taken away. First
things first, I know I already have you two watching him, and I thank you for taking on the
responsibility. Now, I had Harry bring you here tonight so I can talk to you about what to do
if he has a panic attack or if you catch him cutting."

The Gryffindors nodded, listening attentively. They were both sitting on the sofa. Harry was
sitting on the armchair while Severus sat on the other. Harry had taken off his shoes, so he
could pull his feet up, wrapping his arms around his knees and resting his chin on his lap,
avoiding eye contact with everyone, his face blushing.

"If Harry starts to have a panic attack which you'll know by the faraway look in his eyes,
clammy and pale skin, and him not being able to breathe…"

He stopped because Weasley's face was starting to turn red. Granger was now the only one
listening attentively.
"Weasley!"

Weasley flinched, startled at being singled out, glancing at Harry then at Severus when
Granger elbowed him.

"I think you've seen it, so listen closely! I want you to tell your parents this if Harry should
ever stay at your place."

"Yes, sir," he muttered.

Harry just hid his face in his lap, his face beet red as Weasley's.

"Now, when Harry has a panic attack, reassure him that you're there for him, you're not going
anywhere and he is safe, keep saying that, tell him how much he means to you. And keep
talking in a low and calm voice so you don't startle him. He may fight you or flinch away but
try to keep contact with him, stay calm, and he likes it when you put his hand over your heart,
the beating of your heart is what calms him down and guides him to breathe by saying in and
out."

"Sev, please stop… This is so embarrassing!" Harry whined, his voice was muffled from his
covered face.

Severus glanced a warning look at him. "I apologize for embarrassing you but this is
necessary for your own safety. I've already written a full letter of this for Lupin."

Harry just sighed in defeat.

The letter was on the desk, next to the Wolfsbane Potion. Severus couldn't bring himself to
tell the wolf this after their argument. After that lonely night in the Hogshead pub, he couldn't
sleep and he kept thinking of Albus and his conversation. He'd realized once he completed
the task, Harry was going to be alone without him, and more than ever he'll need Remus and
his friends to get him through it. Severus wanted to make sure they were all prepared to help
Harry through the aftermath of his fake betrayal to Albus. He wasn't going to leave Harry
truly in the dark, he was going to guide him as much as possible before that terrible future.

"And now for the cutting, if you catch him cutting or he says he wants to cut or shows any
signs of it, you need to distract him or give him other alternatives for instance…"

He passed out pamphlets with a whole list of ideas, courtesy from Madam Pomfrey. Every
staff member of Hogwarts had basic training on mental health and child abuse and what to do
since they've dealt with over a hundred students from different types of backgrounds. Severus
had continued his extensive research on the subject despite the basic training he already had.
He had started during the beginning of summer, but was then forced to stop when things
started to pile up. For instance: The camping trip, Draco staying over, finding Remus and
helping Madam Pomfrey with his recovery, the weakness of his magical core, and the
situation with Greyback; his books were left forgotten on his desk in his office.

After his talk with Albus in the Hogshead, Severus couldn't sleep, couldn't shut his mind off.
He was so worried for the state his son might be in after Severus performed the terrible task.
He was afraid it would trigger him greatly. And he was tired of not knowing how to handle
this, of being ignorant to Harry's situation. It was time he did something about it, so he started
spending all hours of the night reading and researching cases on child abuse. He started going
over Hogwarts records on students who had a history in cutting and mental health problems.
Severus realized the steps he was doing wrong and what to work on, for instance instead of
forcing Harry to stop cutting himself, he had to find other alternatives to distract him. Now he
was passing on this knowledge to Harry's friends, and later to Remus when the time came.

"Severus! Pamphlets?!" Harry said in horror, finally showing his face again.

"Harry…" Severus only said, and when Harry didn't say anymore he continued, "Now about
the cutting, if he says he feels like cutting or shows signs of needing to, then you need to
distract him, help him create a happy place in his mind, or exercise: like Quidditch, running,
swimming, dancing and music can help a lot. Malfoy's favorite was a pillow fight. Also
creative art can help and if none of those tactics work, then you can resort to minimizing the
harm: having him snap a rubber band against his skin, pinching, holding ice, screaming in a
pillow or punching one… It's all there, so just look through those and let me know if you ever
have any questions."

The Gryffindors looked through the pamphlets, Granger asking questions as Severus
continued the conversation. Weasley didn't say much, just flipped through the pamphlet.
Harry had barely moved, keeping his face hidden in his lap once more, hugging his knees
tightly to his chest.

Once the conversation ceased and Granger had no more questions, Severus stood up and
knelt down in front of the boy. He gently put his hand on Harry's head, his fingers running
through the messy black hair. Harry flinched, shrugging him off.

"It's just me, son, relax please," he said softly, aware of the gazes of Granger and Weasley on
him. He was slightly embarrassed for letting them see this side of him but Harry needed him
more.

Harry slowly looked up, his face still red. His green eyes wide and bright with humiliation.

"I have something for you to make up for this horrifying conversation about you."

"Nothing could ever make up for this!"

"Well I'm your dad now so it's my job to embarrass you!"

Weasley laughed, "He's right about that, mate, my mum does this to me all the time."

"It's part of the parent-package-deal," Granger smiled. "Come on, Harry," she said. "It wasn't
that bad."

Harry untangled himself, running his hand nervously through his hair. Severus stood up and
handed Harry his wand and that changed his son's mood instantly.

"Sev!"
"I can't keep your wand forever and I hope this shows you that I'm willing to do whatever it
takes to help you with this. I know you need this for lessons and to protect yourself, I feel
better now that your friends are now knowledgeable to watch and help you for me when
Lupin and I cannot."

"Yes, sir," Harry held his wand tightly before putting it away.

"I have one more thing to say before you guys can go hang out in your room. Harry, what are
your thoughts on restarting the D.A Club?"

"I don't know, I haven't thought about it, I mean the purpose of it was to rebel against
Umbridge's teaching methods. There's no point in starting it now that we got Remus back."

"I think you should reinstate the club. It will be good for you and your peers with extra
practice," Severus said, he had to admit that the club was very useful last year. It kept some
of the students from falling behind last year due to Umbridge. Plus the boy was a natural
teacher, just like Remus. He had a gift of making things easier for a student to understand.
Severus didn't want to say out loud that it was for the best to practice their dueling skills for
the war that was coming closer each day.

Harry ran his hand nervously through his hair again, he didn't seem to share the same views
as Severus. "Can I think about it, Sev? It's a lot, especially how hard lessons are right now,"
he said dismissively.

Severus only nodded. "I understand, son, just let me know what you've decided. You three are
all excused."

"Thank Merlin, it's over!" Harry muttered, getting up from the chair and picking up his shoes.

"You could've fried an egg on your face!" Weasley said as he and Granger both stood up as
well and all three headed to Harry's room, where they hung out for a few hours. Once
Weasley and Granger headed up to Gryffindor tower. Harry stayed behind to practice
Occlumency with Severus.

At the end of the lesson they'd decided there was enough time for a game of wizard's chess
before Severus had to leave to hand over Remus the Wolfsbane and the letter. He had been
dreading that part all evening.

"You did well today during your Occlumency lesson. You're approving slightly," Severus said
as he then directed a pawn forward.

"Just slightly?" Harry asked, observing the chess board.

"Not everyone is a natural, it's a hard subject to learn. My goal is to teach you the most basic
protection against the Dark Lord's mind."
Harry nodded, ordering one of his pawns forward, ignoring its tiny protests. One of Severus'
pawns immediately attacked it, smashing it to pieces.

"What was with you and Draco today?" he asked, frowning at his smashed pawn.

"I caught him sleeping in class," Severus rolled his eyes at the audacity.

"He always looks exhausted," Harry said. "Is the task not going well?"

Severus sighed, "Harry, let's not talk about this tonight." He didn't want to bring up that
conversation, not when the evening was calm and they were for once enjoying their time
together.

Harry rolled his eyes, and before any of them could say anything else, there was a knock on
the portrait door. They both looked at each other. Severus wasn't expecting any more
company tonight. He stood up and went over to the portrait door and opened it.

"Lupin," he said in surprise. It was indeed the werewolf, with his hands in his threadbare
robes. Dark circles under his eyes and looking pale as ever, causing his scars to stand out. His
eyes were no longer the hazel-green from this morning, but completely golden. And Severus
knew the wolf was feeling pain and restlessness from the upcoming change.

"Good evening, Severus, I've come for the Wolfsbane Potion," he said curtly.

"Come in then," Severus stepped aside and let him through, closing the portrait door behind
him.

Harry stood up. "Remus!" he said in greeting.

Severus left for his office to retrieve the letter and potion. He uncorked the phial and
carefully poured it into a goblet, his hands shaking at the thought of Remus here in his
quarters. The moment he'd been dreading all day had finally arrived and he didn't feel ready,
nor knew what to say. He came back to the room to hear Harry apologizing to Remus about
scratching him, and thanking him for taking care of him that night Remus found him in the
corridors after his fight with Draco.

"It's okay, cub, you don't need to apologize, I'm just glad I was able to be there to help you,"
Remus smiled gently at the boy.

"Harry, can you excuse us for a moment, I have something to discuss with Remus," Severus
said, keeping his voice from shaking. He hated that the wolf could have this effect on him,
that he could turn him into an anxiety-ridden mess.

Harry nodded. "Goodnight, Remus. I'll visit you after, okay?"

"I'll be looking forward to your company," Remus hugged him.

Severus just watched in surprise as his son followed his orders without complaint, which was
rare of him. Although, he didn't miss the look his son gave him before heading to his room
and closing the door.
A tense silence suddenly filled the room where neither of them could look at each other. Once
Severus couldn't bear it anymore, he cleared his throat and said, "You know you didn't have
to come all the way down here for the potion, I was going to bring it to you."

"Fancied a walk in the dungeons this evening…" Remus shrugged, not looking him in the
eye, hands back in his pockets. "Can I just have the potion? And I'll be on my way."

Severus thought about keeping it from him, just to make him stay and talk to him but he
knew that would be childish, foolish… He handed the wolf his bloody potion.

Remus took the goblet-filled potion, their fingers touched briefly and eyes met. Severus
found himself lost in those golden eyes before quickly looking away. He watched the
werewolf drink the potion in one gulp and grimaced from the bitter flavor before handing
him back the now empty goblet.

"I guess I'll get going then…" Remus said softly.

"Here, take this," Severus said, offering him the letter, another excuse to make him stay.

"What's this?" the werewolf asked, taking the letter.

"I had a chat with Harry's friends discussing how to take care of him if he should have a
panic attack or how to distract him from cutting, just in case. This is a copy of the
information I told them for you."

"You think I'm not capable of handling Harry without you?" Remus looked up at him, his
golden eyes taking Severus' breath away.

"I didn't say that!" Severus snapped as he pulled himself together. It was so hard to not just
pull him close.

Remus shook his head with a frown. "Thank you," he muttered, storing the letter in the
pockets of his robes.

"I'm off then…" He seemed to be biting back words he wanted to say but that's always been
typical of Remus Lupin, avoiding confrontation whenever he could.

Severus watched him go to the portrait door, fighting with himself to tell the werewolf not to
go. To stay; don't ignore the argument brewing underneath unsaid words.

Don't sweep me under your rug. I won't let you….

And with that thought, Severus found himself shouting, "Remus! Wait, don't go just yet, you
still have time to talk."

Remus was about to open the door, then stopped, sighing deeply and said, "There's nothing to
talk about, Severus. It's okay… I'm giving you a pass."

"A pass? No. I'm not going to let you ignore this argument, like you always do to avoid
confrontation!" Severus shouted as Remus turned around facing him, his back to the portrait
door. "I can see you haven't changed from school. You still don't speak out to others. You
hold it all in; let them do whatever they want because it doesn't matter if you are hurt, as long
as they still like you, right? Even if you weren't the only one hurt, but others as well?"

Remus flinched at those words, and Severus knew he hit a nerve. He said all of that to rile
him up. He wanted Remus to stop being so passive aggressive and just say what he wanted to
say.

"You'll never let me forget that, will you? After all this time, even if you say it's all forgiven,
you'll always throw it against me!" Remus suddenly shouted, stepping closer to Severus who
was still standing by the sofas. "Look, I've apologized to you for letting my friends bully you,
Severus! I'm sorry about that pranking disaster Sirius did, I'm sorry for nearly attacking you
three years ago in the Shrieking Shack! I'm sorry for every hex, jink, and prank that you
endured from us! We were stupid kids! What else do you want from me?" Remus' golden
eyes flashing with anger. "And you never let me forget how I was the worst one because I
just ignored it, doing nothing to stop it. I've apologized to you and I will keep saying it a
thousand times over until you forgive me!"

"I'll forgive you when you stop acting like a fucking wolf cub with its tail between its legs!
You're in Gryffindor, Lupin! Where's your bravery? Don't let anyone walk all over you; speak
up for yourself! Tell me why you came here, what were you really meaning to say to me?!"
Severus stepped closer to him, this time there was nothing between them. They were so close
that Severus could see Remus shaking.

The shadow of the wolf could be seen in his face with his alluring golden eyes, teeth sharper
than usual, and he knew with the full-moon being so close, Remus was fighting hard to reign
in the wolf spirit inside of him. Perhaps the night of the full-moon was the wrong night to
pick a fight with him.

"Fine, Severus, if you want me to talk, then fine! You can't act like my friend and then be
judgmental on my choices of who else I hang out with other than you. You have no say about
who I can be friends with! And you cannot start an argument and just leave without even
listening to me first! There's two sides to every argument and your's isn't the only one that
matters. You tell me to stop avoiding confrontation, well fine… I'll work on that! But you
have to admit that you let your emotions get the best of you and you draw your own
conclusions. You don't listen to me," Remus said, keeping in control of his emotions.

His golden eyes were glaring into Severus. There was something about them that fascinated
him. To see them so captivatingly golden, glowing almost, hiding the beautiful forest green.
He had to admit the eyes of the wolf were just as beautiful, yet they instilled fear. They gave
off a raw beastly and wild power. Severus had seen Remus give into that power only a few
times. And he knew the wolf was in those eyes. He fought down his sudden fear of the wolf's
spirit being seen, he didn't want Remus to sense it. It would make him think he was a
monster, something that he had been struggling with since his rescue from Greyback.

How could his eyes be so beautiful, yet frightening at the same time?

"I didn't mean to make you feel like that!" Severus scowled, forcing his gaze away from the
wolf. "I was just annoyed that you rejected me for that witch!"
Remus shook his head in disappointment, his lips in a deep frown. "No, just stop. I don't want
to hear you make yourself sound like the victim in this. Maybe this isn't working, maybe it's
better we keep our distance."

"Remus, I wasn't going to make myself sound like a victim! If you'll just listen and let me
finish!" Severus shouted, panic now rising in his chest, chasing away the irrational fear he
had been feeling.

"I am listening!" Remus shouted, suddenly stepping away. "It's you, Severus! You don't listen
to me, you just left that evening! So I'm doing to you what you did to me, I'm leaving!"

"Remus, wait!" Severus shouted but the werewolf turned around, creating the distance
between them. He slung open the door and took off, slamming it shut behind him.

Severus found himself alone in the living room, with the echoes of their argument in his ears.
That was not how he wanted that conversation to go.

"Fuck!" Severus shouted, just realizing that Harry was in his room and most likely heard
everything. He had forgotten to put up a fucking silencing ward!

Harry opened his bedroom door. Standing in his pajamas, black hair a mess and his Quidditch
Through the Ages book in his hands. "Severus, you have to go after him!"

"For once, Potter, can you not stick your nose in other people's business!" he shouted, he just
wanted to slam himself shut in his room and scream out every thought of the fucking
werewolf he ever had out of his head and into his pillow!

I don't listen? He doesn't fucking listen!

Suddenly a sofa pillow whacked him on the head. "Severus, go!" Harry shouted, standing
next to him, preparing for another attack. "Or I'll hit you again, I swear, even if it costs me
being in detention forever!"

Those green eyes snapped Severus out of his anger, those green eyes that were also Lily's,
reminding him of why he liked Remus Lupin. He wanted another chance to be happy and
only Remus understood that. He remembered the talk they had after he heard Remus singing
about letting go of Sirius Black, playing on that old guitar… and because of him… Severus
found strength to let go of Lily. They needed each other, even if they had to fight for it. He
wasn't going to let go of the blasted wolf over this stupid argument!

Harry whacked him again with the pillow.

"Okay, I'm going!" he snapped, "And go to bed!"

He dashed out of his quarters not waiting to hear a reply from the meddling boy. He sped
down the corridors of the dungeons to Remus who was walking ahead at a fast pace.

"Lupin!" Severus called out to him, knowing the werewolf could hear him with his strong
sense of hearing.
"Remus, wait!" he shouted again, praying no one else was walking in the corridors. He
caught up, placing a hand on the wolf's shoulder, forcing him to turn around. "I don't want
this conversation to end like this!"

"Severus, no!" Remus shook his hand off his shoulder, his voice heavy with emotion. "You
don't understand what it's like to be me. I can't just say everything I feel or show anger
without restraint like you can with no consequences at all. Growing up, I wasn't allowed to
give into my emotions. I couldn't show it when I was angry or sad or frustrated, just in case
the wolf showed itself in my eyes, in my face. I always had to control the wolf inside me. My
father was always afraid that I'd slip up and someone would see. I don't blame him, it
happened a few times resulting in us having to move. That meant I couldn't have friends, I
wasn't allowed to. And when I met the Marauders at school, they were my first true friends
I've ever had and I couldn't lose them. They were all I had, do you understand that?"

Severus only nodded. "I do understand, Remus! I understand what it's like to have a father
who's always disappointed in you no matter what you do. I understand why you tolerated that
bunch of delinquent Gryffindors, but if you could just listen to why I got upset with you
about Tonks!"

"You're not listening!" Remus snapped. "And what you're doing, getting angry because I'm
hanging out with Tonks, you're doing what my father did! Not allowing me to have friends!
So am I only allowed to be friends with the people you approve of? That isn't a friendship!
James hated you and he never forbade Lily to be friends with you, he never did!"

"No, I didn't mean for you to feel like that, you dunderhead! I just can't stand the thought of
you hanging out with that bimbo! She's a bloody kid and she likes you! What if she starts to
think you have feelings for her?"

"Then I will handle that! It's got nothing to do with you!" Remus turned as if he were going
to continue walking away.

Don't go! Severus grabbed his hand, holding on tight. Remus stared at their hands, his golden
eyes wide as he then slowly looked up at Severus who said softly, "Then tell me, I'm listening
to you, Remus, tell me why her?"

Remus took a deep breath, pulling his hand away. "You've always been among friends,
Severus. Like I've said you don't know what it's like to be me. The world has always been
open at your feet and I've always had limitations because of what I am. Having something as
simple as a friend is something you take for granted."

"Remus, I was fucking bullied everyday of my life! Aside from Lily, I had no real friends at
school. My childhood was rotten and I lost my only friend! How are we so different?"

"You have a choice to be close to others. You have a choice and you choose to be alone. You
take it for granted."

"I don't have a fucking choice!" Severus snapped. What was he on about? Taking the choice
of having friends for granted? Severus didn't have a choice! Not with this war and his
position! If only he could tell this stubborn werewolf that, but he couldn't.
Remus sighed, "All I'm trying to say is that I'm going to be friends with Tonks whether you
like it or not. It's easy being with her. She doesn't care for what I am or has any grudges
against me like you do. She sees me, not the monster."

And that was like a blow to the stomach…no, more like a punch in the heart.

"Remus…" I see you… Severus wanted to say but the words got caught in his throat. His
heart was throbbing in his chest, causing him so much pain. He was choosing her… Why am
I not enough?

Remus shook his head, misunderstanding the unsaid words Severus left hanging.

"I know you're sorry, Severus, and you're right, but it's okay. I know I'm being a fool for ever
thinking a girl like her can be my friend but I'm going to do it even if it ends in disaster. It's
my choice, not your's nor anyone else's. I've said what I've had to say, let's not fight about it
anymore. I'll see you tomorrow morning."

And the wolf walked away, leaving Severus standing alone in the corridors of the dungeons.

Remus was sitting on the floor of the bedroom in the Shrieking Shack. He had taken off his
clothes and they were folded neatly in the broken wardrobe, hidden and out of reach, along
with his wand. He sat with his knees pulled up to his chest, his arms around them as he
watched the full-moon rise through the window, casting its light on his naked body.

He couldn't stop thinking of his fight with Severus. The whole time they'd fought, Remus just
wanted to take the words back. He felt bad saying that stuff, even if it were true. Severus'
dark eyes were all he could see, dark eyes full of hurt and guilt. He didn't want to push the
dark wizard away. There was something about him that made Remus feel things he hadn't felt
in so long. Like being wanted for instance, like maybe he was worth something. That maybe
he was more than just a werewolf, a monster, he was a human being worthy of love. But that
scared him, it scared him so deeply. Only Sirius had that effect on him and it didn't end well.
Remus was scared to let himself believe that he could ever be loved again. Maybe saying
those things to Severus was for the best. Whatever was happening between them, couldn't
happen.

Suddenly, intense pain enveloped Remus, sharp and burning. He started to breathe heavily,
feeling his heart pumping fast. He closed his eyes tight. His muscles began to spasm, his
bones began to move and break. He felt his teeth growing, and he opened his glowing amber
eyes and screamed himself hoarse. Remus screamed until his screams turned into howling,
until the pain of the change began to cease and now he was a large gray wolf. He whined out
in loneliness, wishing for his pack. Thanks to the Wolfsbane Potion, Remus' mind was still
there, infused with the wolf's, preventing the wolf from leaving the shack.

The wolf jumped on the bed, circling around until he curled up among the dirty ragged
blankets. The emotions he was feeling before his change were still on his mind. As a wolf, it
was hard for him to understand why he felt such guilt and hopelessness. He couldn't process
the human emotions, he just wanted to run and feel the night breeze in his pelt. He wanted to
feel the moon's soft power in his soul. Remus' presence in the mind of the wolf made him
stay on the bed. He began to gnaw on his leg, giving him comfort from the endless
restlessness, from the pain of complex human emotions he couldn't understand, from missing
his pack and not understanding where they'd gone. He gnawed and gnawed until the painful
comfort of it began to lull him to sleep.

The next morning Remus opened his eyes, he had no idea where he was. His vision was
slightly blurry from sleep. He closed his eyes again due to a throbbing headache. His leg felt
heavy, stiff and numb. It reminded him of the endless gnawing he did to himself. Last night
was bad, the emotions from his fight with Severus and the wolf missing his pack took a toll.
He heard voices of people muttering softly, felt a gentle hand slide underneath his head and
lift him up, pouring something down his throat.

I must be in the hospital wing….

Remus fell back to sleep, the pain becoming numb as he fell into dreams of himself as a wolf
running through the woods, howling for his lost pack and of a girl whispering his name:
Remus Lupin, you promised… And of attentive dark eyes watching him, always watching….
 So Much Alike
Chapter Summary

Another Chapter! Please, let me know your thoughts! Thanks for still reading lol

I do not own Moonshadows from Cat Stevens

Warning: Mentions of self-harm and mental health

Chapter Eight - So Much Alike

After what felt like an eternity being stuck in dreams of himself running as a wolf in a dark
and cold forest with no light, and of girls with red eyes calling his name, Remus finally found
the sun. He followed its rays, his eyes blinking in its strong light, feeling the warmth on his
pelt that washed away the icy cold fear. And he saw a silhouette of a black wolf before he
opened his eyes slowly, the hospital wing coming into focus.

His eyes landed on Severus Snape and Madam Pomfrey who were standing at the foot of his
bed. The Potions Master was handing over a small wooden box of potions to the medic witch.
Remus didn't voice himself to them, only watched the early afternoon sun-rays falling on
Severus, illuminating his dark hair and pale skin.

The lingering fear from his nightmares washed away, leaving him a throbbing headache.
Remus closed his eyes and took a deep breath. The gentle murmuring of Severus' voice gave
him a warm comfort as he tuned in with this body, mentally scanning himself and feeling the
areas that hurt. His muscles were sore, one side of his face felt tight, and he realized how
heavy and stiff his leg felt. He tried to move it a little but was greeted with pain, causing him
to open his eyes as he gasped, alerting himself to Severus and Madam Pomfrey.

"Lupin, you're awake," Severus suddenly said.

"How do you feel?" Madam Pomfrey asked, as she began to check his vitals.

"I'm fine, just sore," Remus groaned.

"Of course you're sore, you did a number on yourself last night. I told Albus not to pile too
much on you. Stress always makes the wolf more restless, resulting in you having more
injuries."

"It's nothing I can't handle, Poppy," Remus said, trying to sound light. He didn't want her to
fuss over him, he wanted to show that he was strong, that he was used to pain.

"Well, your vitals seem good and everything is healing nicely," she said. "Do you feel any
pain?"
Remus shook his head, the sudden pain from his movement had passed, leaving a dull ache
behind. He could feel Severus watching him as Madam Pomfrey fussed over him. Feeling
slightly embarrassed from the medi-witch’s fussing, Remus didn't meet his eyes.

"Poppy, can I take over? I need to speak to Lupin," Severus asked politely.

"Certainly, Severus." She handed him a small jar. "If you don't mind helping him with this.
It's to minimize the new scarring on his face. And he may be in pain once he starts to move
around, if you need to give him a dose of this, you may."

Severus took the jars and nodded. Remus watched him pull up a chair beside his bed and took
a seat. For a few moments it was silent. Remus let Severus gather his thoughts while he tried
to sit up to a more comfortable position. He wanted to inspect his leg and figure out why it
was so stiff and heavy. He tried not to grunt out in pain as he pulled himself up, slowly
moving his leg.

"Here! Let me help you," Severus suddenly said, realizing what Remus was doing.

"No, I'm fine!" Remus shouted without meaning to. He was already embarrassed enough.

Once Remus pulled himself up, propped up with pillows, he took the chance to inspect his
leg. Just below his knee all the way down to his calf muscles were heavily bandaged.

"How bad is it," Remus asked, frowning at the sight. His leg was now hurting from the
movement as Poppy had predicted.

"It's going to take a while to heal on its own, not as fast as your usual wounds. Here, take
this, it's to help with the pain," Severus handed him a small phial.

Remus took the phial, studying it curiously for it looked familiar…exactly as the ones that
were forced down his throat…and suddenly he was insulted with the memory…

Greyback's voice was suddenly in his head, causing Remus to flinch in fear, dropping the
phial.

"Go get some basic pain potions. I need the wolf to be able to stand at least today," Greyback
growled. "You disgust me, Remus. You're so weak and pampered by that fool you call a
headmaster, look where that's got you!"

And Remus was suddenly there, as if he never left…

"No, I can't…" he stammered out.

He was seeing the cabin and the wooden fence. The sounds of the crunching feet of
werewolves walking on a dirt floor and the sounds of the forest that hid him from the world
was loud. Bright and hot sun burned his skin, as kids leaning on the fence watched the Death
Eaters hold Remus down. He could feel their tight iron grip as he fought against them. Rough
hands pulled his mouth open, and Pain Potion after Pain Potion was forced down his throat.
Remus fought until everything was numb, until he lost his sense of who he was, until he
couldn't fight anymore.
"Remus…"

Remus flinched at the unknown voice calling his name. Greyback was still loud in his head.

"Don't you look worse for wear? It hardly seems fair to let the cubs fight you in this pitiful
condition, doesn't it? But you know, son, war…is…never…fair… Crucio!"

And pain, so much pain… Remus writhed from it, trying to escape it, screaming in agony.

A dark skinned boy was suddenly circling him, amber eyes glowing…

"You killed him, Remus Lupin," her voice whispered, a voice that haunted him only in
dreams, and Remus wondered when he fell asleep. Could it be possible Kaylie was haunting
him in the waking world as well? The boy jumped on Remus with a growl, tearing into his
shoulder. The scent of dirt and blooded invaded his senses. He felt the spirit of the wolf begin
to grow angry.

"No!" he shouted.

"Remus, it's okay," the unknown voice sounded again from the distance, warm and calm. It
chased away the others. "Remus, you're here with me… It's Severus, your…your friend…"

Severus?

"You're just having a flashback. It isn't real. You're here in the hospital wing at Hogwarts.
You are not at that camp anymore. You are not in danger, you are safe with me," the voice
said, becoming louder and stronger.

Remus grasped on to that voice, letting it guide him back to his sanity. I'm going crazy, he
thought as he gasped for air.

I can't breathe…

"What's wrong with me? I'm crazy… I'm a monster. She's right, I killed them all, I killed
them all!" He didn't mean to say that, it just spilled out, he was losing control. He could feel
the wolf at his surface, whimpering in pain, longing to be free.

"No, Remus, you are not any of those things. Breathe for me, please, come on, Remus. This
is Severus, I need you to breathe."

The voice was louder than all the others, the one guiding him out. "Open your eyes, Remus,
tell me where you're at."

Remus shook his head. "I can't…"

"You can trust me, you're safe here at the hospital wing of Hogwarts. No one can hurt you."

Remus opened his eyes, his vision slightly blurry.

"Can you breathe? Come on, in and out." The voice was warm, gentle, it began to calm
Remus down and he found that mirroring the breathing of..Severus…it was Severus…made it
easier to breathe.

Remus' vision soon cleared, and he was pulled into dark obsidian eyes, bringing him back to
reality.

"Tell me your surroundings, tell me where you are," Severus said softly.

"I'm with you, Severus," Remus tore his gaze away from his eyes and looked around the
room he was in. "In this room with white walls, beds and the curtains. It smells like herbs and
medicinal potions. Large windows letting in the sun, showing us the grounds of Hogwarts."

"Yes that's good, can I touch you?"

Remus nodded as he gained control of his breathing. His vision became clear and he forced
himself not to cry as he hid his face in his hands. He was so embarrassed Severus saw him
like that. How a tiny potion bottle could set him off, he didn't understand….

"What is wrong with me?" Remus asked, cold hands gently tugging his own hands away
from his face, holding them gently.

"There is nothing wrong with you."

Remus just shook his head. "I can't stop seeing her, Severus, I can't stop."

"You've once shown me a memory of Greyback ordering the Death Eaters to drug you…is
that where you went? Those were of my own brews. I'm so sorry, Remus, I didn't know…"

Remus shook his head. "It's not your fault you were only following orders. You wouldn't
have known the potions they demanded were for me at the time."

"You're not crazy, Remus, you're not a monster. You are just a person who had terrible things
happen to you. You were tortured, and now your mind and body are trying to recover from it.
You are suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. That girl you're seeing is a symptom
of that. She isn't real, it's not her actual spirit haunting you. Kaylie doesn't hate you. She is at
peace with her father. Her death wasn't your fault."

As Severus spoke, Remus stared at their joined hands. The feel of the Potions Master's skin
on his own grounded him, keeping him from falling apart again. He held on tighter. He could
still feel the wolf inside of him howling in pain, Remus felt like doing the same. He felt like
he was going insane and just wanted to cry but he couldn't. He had to keep his emotions in
check because of his father, whose voice was forever in his head telling him to reign them in.
Don't lose control. Don't cry. Don't be angry or the wolf will show. The wolf was always tied
to his emotions and he hated it. He needed something to distract himself with, he was sure the
wolf was showing in his eyes. He didn't want to scare Severus away.

He moved his gaze to his bandaged leg. Ptsd, is that what he had? Was that the cause of his
sleepless nights and of Kaylie's spirit haunting him? She felt so real…her eyes and her voice,
it was real to him. He thought of what Severus said and couldn't accept it. The Potions Master
didn't have to see her every time he closed his eyes, he couldn't possibly understand.

"I'm here if you ever want to talk. I won't force you this time, just know that I'm here for
you," Severus said, breaking the silence.

"Can I see my wound?" Remus asked. He didn't acknowledge Severus' words, purposely
changing the subject. It was making him uncomfortable. It was weird that Severus Snape was
acting like this towards him after years of dislike and bullying, even after several months of
friendship from each other.

"I don't think you'll want to see it," Severus frowned, his dark gaze searching Remus.

Can he see the wolf in my eyes?

Remus forced his gaze to meet the obsidian black eyes of Severus Snape. And he felt that
familiar pull every time they made eye contact. It scared him, yet warmed him, making him
feel safe. It was confusing. What was it about those eyes that made him feel like that? Why
did he want to lean into him, yet push him away at the same time?

"I need to," Remus said softly.

He could see that Severus was hesitant. "Severus, please, I want to see what I did to myself."

"Okay, just keep in mind it looks way worse than it seems. Poppy checked it before you woke
and said it's healing nicely."

Remus watched him undo the bandages until he could see the damage he'd done to himself.
His leg from the calf muscles up to just below the knee was severely chewed. The flesh was
raw yet looked as if it had been healing for a couple of days.

Remus sighed with frustration, he had just begun walking normally again without the blasted
cane from the last injury he had. It was time to start over again.

"Will I be able to walk normally once it heals?"

"Only time will tell. Poppy has been putting drops of potion to regrow the missing flesh and
muscles you've lost. Since the injury is severe it may still cause permanent damage,
especially since it was done by the wolf. You're going to have scarring and you might have a
limp for a while."

Remus nodded as he watched him rewrap his leg, hiding the hideous flesh. The wolf inside
him was calming down, leaving Remus to feel more like himself again.

"Did you want to talk about last night?" Remus asked, once they were both settled again.

"We can talk about it later if you want."

"No, I think we should..."

Severus nodded.

"I just want to apologize for being so harsh last night, your feelings were valid. I'm sorry it
seemed like I was leading you on and then suddenly turned to Tonks," Remus confessed. "I
didn't mean to make you feel like I was dumping you as a friend, your friendship means a lot
to me."

"Your friendship means a lot too, wolf," Severus said. "I don't like you being friends with that
witch, but I'll bear it for you. She makes you happy, I can see that, and I don't want to keep
that from you."

"It's easy being around her. She doesn't know much about my past, it's like starting new with
her, but it doesn't mean that I don't want to be friends with you. She may be a new start, but
she isn't you."

Severus smiled. He didn't smile a lot, only when he was around Harry and it warmed Remus
to be the cause of it this time. Remus' eyes landed on the small jar on the night table. Severus
watched where his eyes landed and picked it up.

"May I?" he asked.

Remus nodded once.

Severus unscrewed the lid and leaned forward to gently dab the balm onto Remus' face, his
fingers felt cold and calloused from working with potions. The scent of herbs and his
shampoo enveloped Remus' senses as he watched Severus' face, his eyes full of gentle
concentration. He suddenly wanted to kiss him, but he didn't give in to that impulse, he
couldn't, he just couldn't do it. It would mess up the friendship they finally reestablished.

"This should make most of the scarring go away," Severus said, pulling Remus out of those
dangerous thoughts. They leaned away from each other, reestablishing their personal space as
Severus put away the jar and wiped his hands on a cloth.

"More scars on my face, that's exactly what I need."

"It gives you character."

"I look frightful."

"Remus…"

"What changed, Severus?"

"What are you on about?"

"What changed? You've hated me for years since we first met, and now you want to be my
friend? When did I stop being a monster in your eyes?"

"Remus Lupin, you're not a monster."

"But you used to believe that of me."

Severus shook his head. "I hated you because I didn't understand, causing me to fear you. It
wasn't fair to you. I apologize for ever thinking of you as a dangerous creature."

"And then what changed your mind?" Remus pushed, he wanted to know how Severus saw
him. What made him see him as more than a dangerous werewolf?

"It was seeing your pain, Remus, after you were rescued. I watched you struggle with the
girl's death. I still hated you, still carried my grudges against you, blamed the torture I
endured from your friends on you. Then when we fought against Greyback to rescue Harry,
you were willing to give your life for him. Harry is the world to me, my son, and you feel the
same way, how could I ignore that? How could I see you as a monster after that? You are just
like me, with flaws and mistakes in our past that costed lives, and now we are trying all we
can to redeem ourselves by giving everything for Harry and for the war."

"Then you understand my grief for Kaylie and the werewolf children?"

"Of course I do. I hate that I'm responsible for lost lives such as Abbot's death. There are so
many cases like her's, lives that I couldn't save because it would've blown my cover," Severus
said, his voice suddenly cracking.

Remus tentatively took his hand, providing a warm and quiet comfort, encouraging him to go
on.

"I see them all the time in my dreams. Don't you think I struggle as you? I'm the monster for
letting them die, for choosing myself over them. I'm a Death Eater and that's all people see,
they don't know I've changed. They only see the mark on my arm and they run, they pull their
children away and the fear in their eyes says it all. And I shouldn't expect anything more, it's
the consequences of my choices. You were right last night, wolf, I once had my freedom. I
had doors opened for me once I finished Hogwarts, but I chose the Dark Lord. I gave away
my freedom. I took that for granted and paid for it. I lost Lily and I found myself alone, until
I grew close to you and I guess that is why I was so upset about you becoming friends with
Tonks. I was afraid of losing you. You're the only one who understands what it's like to be
me."

"I know that all too well…" Remus said softly, thinking over Severus' words.

He knew of the look people gave him out on the streets, when they discovered what he was, a
werewolf, the fear in their eyes, and how he could never escape that. The brand on his chest
was permanent, a forever reminder of the monster he was. No matter what Severus said, no
matter how much they relate… No one could ever erase it, not when it was burned onto his
skin over his heart.

Remus pulled his hand away from Severus, covering his face. He wanted to say all what he
felt to the wizard next to him, who just opened up to him, but he couldn't do it. He was so
used to holding everything inside, he was trained to push people away.
"Remus," Severus said. "Do you remember the last time we kissed? I don't mean to upset you
or pressure you with anything you're not ready for, I just want you to remember the
conversation we had after that kiss, you promised me something."

At the memory of that kiss, Remus felt his cheeks grow warm. He pulled his hands away
from his face, brushing his hair out of his eyes. "And what was that?" he asked.

"You promised me you wouldn't push me away anymore. You need to let me in, tell me how
you feel. You don't have to close yourself off from me. We are friends, you can trust me,"
Severus said, his eyes searching Remus who stared back at him, considering what he was
saying.

"You're right, Severus, I did promise. It's just hard after growing up with…" Remus stopped,
it hurt too much at the moment to bring up his father.

"I understand…"

Remus sighed, trying to find the right words. "I just…you keep giving me reasons why I
shouldn't call myself a monster." He suddenly unbuttoned his nightshirt, just enough for
Severus to see the ugly brand. "But how can I not see myself as one when this is burned into
my skin? How could I not think of myself as dangerous? It's a forever reminder of me being a
dark creature."

Severus pulled up his sleeve, revealing the dark mark. "And this is forever branded into me,
but does it still make me a Death Eater? Even now that I've changed, do I still deserve to be
called a monster? Just because these marks are branded into us, doesn't make us what we
are."

"But you're using your dark mark for good by spying for Dumbledore. You have to be
cunning and clever to survive every meeting with Voldemort. No one else can do what you
do. It shows that you're strong and you've changed, willing to risk your life. You're not the
same boy you once were who was obsessed with the dark arts. You aren't bad, Severus, not a
monster at all."

"And there you have it, you don't see me as a monster and I don't see you as a monster. There
are no monsters here. It wasn't your fault you were bit by a werewolf. Your father was wrong
to make you believe you were any different from the boy you were before the incident.
Greyback was wrong for feeding off your insecurities and branding that lie onto your chest.
You are a human being, who I happen to have a lot in common with. We've both grown up
with parents that never tried to understand us. We've both struggled when we were young to
fit in. We both are discriminated against, me as a Death Eater, you as a werewolf. We've both
made wrong choices that we wish we could change. We've both lost people we loved. We've
both been through things no other could understand…and here we are, still trying to live, still
fighting for the light to win. And well, you're the only one besides me that is there for Harry.
You're the only one who understands and could give me parenting advice. They were wrong,
Remus. Try to forget everything they've said to you and believe me as your friend, that you
are very much human."
It was the end of the week, classes were finally over for the day for Harry and his friends.
This time Hermione was not speaking to both Ron and Harry. This morning Ron had told her
the spell Harry had used to wake him up, Levicorpus. Hermione didn't find it as funny as Ron
did, harassing Harry with questions if he'd got it from the Half-Blood Prince's book. She
made her arguments clear about it sounding sketchy and could be seen as dark magic. Harry
didn't admit it to her, but he did get it from the book. He had been spending the mornings
looking through it, reading the messy and spiky writing. It frustrated him that he couldn't
figure out where he had seen the writing before. Harry disagreed that it could be used for
dark magic, this person was a genius! Hermione didn't understand that, she was just jealous
of Harry being better than her at Potions now. And besides, the spell he learned this morning
seemed like a harmless laugh, something his father, James Potter and the Marauders would've
used.

Did that make his father a bad person using a spell like that? He did once see James use it on
Severus in the pensieve last year. Maybe this was another creation of theirs, like the
Marauder's Map, which was definitely not a dark object. James Potter was not into dark
magic, was he? He hated that Hermione had instilled that sense of doubt in him and there was
no way he could ask Severus about it. Sev hated Harry's biological father, he would most
likely agree with Hermione and take the book away. Those thoughts the argument had
created, had left him in a bad mood throughout the rest of the day. And what made it worse
was right after that argument, Ginny had come up to Harry with a note from Dumbledore.

Harry hadn't failed to notice his absences from the past few days. During dinner when the
headmaster's seat was empty, Harry, Ron and Hermione would talk about where he might be,
why he was leaving, what he was doing. He even talked to Severus about the headmaster's
strange absences, but his dad wouldn't tell him. The three teens then concluded it had to be
linked to Harry's private lessons with Dumbledore. Harry was surprised that he received a
note for the next lesson, he hadn't realized that the headmaster was back.

When Ginny had handed Harry the note, he realized that he hadn't had a chance to hang out
with her. Although they've been spending a lot of time goofing around and training together
with the Quidditch team, they hadn't found time to be alone and Harry felt like it was his
fault. He wasn't good at talking to girls, at least with Ginny it was easier and less awkward
than it was with Cho. So in hoping to salvage their once-growing relationship, Harry asked
her if she wanted to join him and his friends at Hogsmeade the next day, but she turned him
down for Dean Thomas.

Harry thought of the few times he and Ginny were alone. He had thought there was
something growing between them. Maybe he was wrong. He wanted to talk to his friends
about it, but he couldn't. Ron would flip if he found out that Harry had feelings for his sister
and Hermione was too upset with him about the Prince. Harry knew this was his fault. He
had been dealing with so much lately, he should've tried harder to hang out with Ginny. She
probably assumed he wasn't interested in her, and now he was getting friend-zoned.

This day couldn't get any worse.

And it did….
Lessons were tough, and the sixth year Gryffindors finally left their last class of the day,
which was Transfiguration, with a huge pile of homework to be due on Monday.

The only good thing that cheered Harry up was the bit of news he’d received from Severus
who was covering Remus' Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson. Remus had been in the
hospital wing for a few weeks now since the full-moon. Before Harry left for his next lesson
that morning, Severus informed him that Remus was being released today and he could
finally pay him a visit.

Now that lessons were over and the weekend was starting, Harry found himself with free
time until dinner. Hermione had walked on ahead, muttering to them that she was going to
the library to get started on homework, leaving just Harry and Ron together walking in the
corridor towards Gryffindor tower.

Stress and anxiety was building up inside Harry. He wanted to be alone, but then he'll be
alone with his thoughts. He was tired of thinking of the mysterious Prince and who he might
be. Tired of the questions that bothered him all day like if James Potter was into dark magic,
if the spell was dark magic? If Hermione was right? And what the next lesson with
Dumbledore would be about? And Ginny… When would he ever understand girls? When did
it get easier? Maybe visiting Remus right now would be a good distraction. He was afraid if
he went off alone, he might end up choosing to soothe his anxiety and stress by cutting.

"I'm going to visit Remus," Harry suddenly announced to Ron, stopping him in his tracks.

"Okay, I'll walk you there, mate," Ron said.

"You don't have to do that," Harry said, knowing the motive behind his friend's request. "I'm
not a complete mental case. I can be on my own."

Suddenly Harry and Ron were shoved aside. As Harry regained his balance, he looked up to
see that it was Draco who shoved past them, walking at a fast speed to the staircase.

"Oi! What's your bloody problem!" Ron shouted, but the Slytherin kept walking.

"Why is he in such a hurry?" Harry asked, he was itching to follow him, but he knew he
couldn't with Ron. Also, he promised his dad and Remus he wouldn't do anything stupid and
keep out of trouble.

It was still tempting….

"Beats me," Ron said. "Did you know he tried to smuggle in his Hand of Glory?"

"What?"

"Yeah, they searched all of us when we arrived at the beginning of term for dark objects.
They made him stay behind as they went through his trunk."

"Draco tried to sneak in a dark object? I wonder why… Do you think it's got to do with him
being a Death Eater?"
Maybe with his task? Harry thought to himself. Is it his task to sneak something in?

Maybe it was the answer to why Draco was always disappearing off the map. Harry had been
spending night after night watching him, trying to figure it out. Could it be a dark object he
was using to make himself disappear?

"Harry, I don't think it's got anything to do with that. Death Eater or not, he's just a slimy
Slytherin trying to mess with us. It was dumb of us to believe that he changed, he's just a
prat."

Ron's words were lost on Harry.

Draco is trying to sneak in dark objects! It has to be for his task! It's how he's disappearing
off the map! He has something that's making him leave the castle!

Harry's mind was going a mile per minute. He wondered if Remus might agree with him.
Suddenly, he had to see his Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor! Maybe he'll know of
dark objects that could make people disappear or even leave Hogwarts! And maybe he could
clear Harry's stress on James Potter using dark spells.

"Well, if you insist on being alone, then see ya at dinner?" Ron asked.

"Yeah," Harry answered, his thoughts still on Draco and his task and dark objects. "See ya,
Ron."

Harry turned the opposite corridors that lead him to the Defense Against the Dark Arts
classroom with Remus' office and quarters next door. Before entering, he quickly pulled out
his map to check on Draco.

"I solemnly swear that I am up to no good," he whispered.

He scanned the map for Draco, but he wasn't there. Harry wished he had taken the chance to
follow him and find out where he was going and how he was doing it.

"Mischief managed," Harry said in disappointment, knowing he'd lost his only chance to
figure out Draco. He closed the map, putting it away before knocking on the door of Remus'
quarters.

After a couple of weeks of being stuck in the hospital wing, Remus was finally released. He
had spent his time in bed reading, planning his lessons and grading papers. Severus was
constantly visiting him and bringing him anything he needed. Flitwick, McGonagall and
Severus all took turns covering Remus' classes. He was grateful for their help. This was the
longest he'd ever spent at the hospital wing after a full-moon change. Madam Pomfrey said it
was due to his age and stress. Severus told him he felt responsible for the severe injury,
thinking it was due to their fight the night before and spent all he could in making sure
Remus' classes didn't fall behind. Remus also refused to let his students and even Harry visit
him. He missed his cub, but he didn't want the teens to see him like that with his leg all
bandaged up, especially that he did it to himself. They would certainly think of him as a dark
creature.

It was Friday, just after lunch. Students were back in their lessons, leaving Remus in peace to
limp heavily with his cane through the empty corridors. He passed the closed doors of the
Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom to get to the door of his quarters. He could hear
Severus' voice along with his students.

As quietly as he could so they wouldn't hear him, he entered his quarters, immediately
opening up the curtains, letting in light and starting a fire to warm up the cold rooms. He then
sat down on the sofa, lifting up his leg to rest on the coffee table. It was now completely
healed, leaving fresh scars and a throbbing pain when he over used it. A pain that would soon
go away with time according to Madam Pomfrey, who treated his wound to her very best by
applying potion after potion to grow back the muscles he'd lost.

Remus closed his eyes, concentrating on the voices in the classroom several walls down.
With his strong werewolf hearing he could still hear Severus lecturing the students. The fire
flickering in his quarters made him feel warm, causing his eyes to grow heavy. He closed
them, letting Severus' murmuring voice wash over him until he fell into a deep slumber.

This time he didn't dream of dark forests and haunting spirits, he dreamed of dark obsidian
eyes. He dreamed of the warmth of the sun on his skin and a murmuring voice he couldn't
see, until a small knock on the door startled him awake.

Remus sighed, wondering who could it be to wake him from such a peaceful nap. A blanket
fell off him and he noticed a stack of student scrolls on the coffee table. Severus must've
stopped by while Remus was asleep. He smiled at the thought of the Potions Master here as
he then forced himself up and hopped without his cane to the door and opened it. The sight of
Harry standing at the doorway made him smile even more.

"It's nice to see you, cub," Remus greeted.

Harry smiled shyly at him, his jet-black hair messy from the day, his Gryffindor tie hanging
loosely from his neck and his school robes hanging on his bag. Lessons must be over for the
day.

"Hi, Remus, I just wanted to check on you. Madam Pomfrey and Severus wouldn't let me see
you in the hospital wing, and today I heard you were released. It was a bad change wasn't it?"

"It gets worse with age," Remus said, not wanting to tell him it was also due to stress, his
Ptsd and the fight he had with Severus. "Can I have a hug?"

"Yeah of course!" Harry gave him a quick hug. "I'm so glad you're doing okay. I missed you."

"I missed you too, cub, do you want hot chocolate?"

"Yes, that sounds brilliant!"

Remus stepped aside to let him in. Harry looked around his quarters, standing by the door.
"Make yourself at home," Remus said as he picked up his cane and limped to the kitchen.

"Your place looks almost like Severus', but different colors and way more books and cooler
stuff."

"Less gross looking things in jars?" Remus joked.

"Yeah, exactly! And you have actual windows, not enchanted ones," Harry laughed as he sat
down on one of the armchairs. "And no Slytherin colors."

Remus chuckled as he got started on the chocolate. It was his mom's recipe and every time he
drank it, it left him feeling warm and happy. It could always be relied on to soothe anxiety
and stress. It could make any bad day better and he hoped it would have the same effect for
Harry.

Purposely forgetting about the cane, Remus hobbled back to the living area with the hot
chocolates floating in front of him, guiding them onto the coffee table.

Harry picked up his cup and took a tentative sip of the hot drink. "Your hot chocolate is
always amazing. How do you make this?" he asked.

"It was my mother's recipe, known to cure you of all your anxieties."

"Well it's working… How is your leg doing? Where is your cane?" Harry then laughed when
he spotted it on the floor. "Remus, you have to use it. It won't do you any good when it's left
there like that."

Remus shrugged Harry's gentle scolding away with a small smile. "I'm getting on perfectly
fine without it, don't you worry. It's healed, just hard to walk on. I'll be back in shape before
you know it."

Harry nodded, blowing at his hot chocolate and then taking another sip. Remus could see
there was something troubling him.

"Is there something on your mind, cub?"

Harry shrugged, "I just had a bad day, this chocolate is helping a lot."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Harry sighed, "It's about my dad, not Severus, my biological dad James. Did he ever do dark
magic?"

Remus wasn't prepared for this question. He did notice how his cub looked put out when he
came in, that's why he offered the chocolate, hoping whatever was stressing him out, it would
soothe his mind. His green eyes tore away from Remus as he asked the question, now looking
down at his steaming mug.

Whatever gave him that idea? Remus thought. He could see it had been bothering Harry for a
while. James Potter was the very opposite of evil and he wanted to make sure Harry
understood that.

"Harry, look at me," he said gently. Harry pulled his gaze back to Remus, the stress now clear
in the green depths.

"During school, James Potter may have been a bit of a toad, pig-headed and a show-off at
times," Remus smiled softly at the memory of his friend. "And yes, he bullied Severus…not
everyone is perfect, even your parents. They had their flaws just like us. I just want you to
understand that James as much as he acted like an arrogant prick, he made up for it by being
the best friend and brother to me. I trusted him with my life and that man never had an ounce
of evil in him. He never showed any interest in the dark arts, he despised them, and that is
why he hated Severus who was wrapped up in them at the time."

Harry frowned, as he considered Remus' words. "It's just…well…the spell he once used on
Severus, Levicorpus, wasn't that a dark spell? Hermione said that spell was used by Death
Eaters."

"That spell was normally used by all of us before the Death Eaters started using it. Believe
me, after James used that spell on Severus, he never used it again. Then once he got with
your mother, he changed. He was no longer the stupid kid you saw in that memory, just as
Sirius and I have told you before. James Potter would've been proud of you if he were still
here, Harry. Trust me when I say that he hadn't an ounce of evil in his soul. He was the most
Gryffindor you could get."

Harry finally nodded, looking a bit relieved. "I guess my mom wouldn't have chosen my dad
if he were evil, huh?"

"Exactly," Remus said, relieved that he got through to Harry. "Now what has gotten you
worked up over your dad using dark magic?"

"Oh, uh…it's nothing," Harry said, shrugging his shoulders.

Remus could tell Harry was holding back, but decided not to push him. He had learned his
lesson on that during the summer, when he and Harry had to get reacquainted. He had pushed
Harry to talk to him about his self-harm and it resulted in Harry shouting and locking himself
in his room until Severus returned.

"Since we're on the subject of dark magic, I have a theory on Draco disappearing on the map.
Do you want to hear it?" Harry asked.

Remus listened as Harry told him about Draco's trunk getting searched for dark objects. How
he might be using one to leave the castle grounds, explaining the strange disappearances on
the map. Remus gave Harry his input about it, finding some flaws in the theory, for instance
the castle was heavily warded and there was no way Draco could sneak something in, plus all
the tunnels were blocked off.

"I'm sorry, cub, your theory sounds promising, it really does, but we can't ignore the flaws in
it. Remember, we just need to trust Severus. I think it would help him to share your theory so
he can keep a lookout just in case."
Harry looking a bit put off by the end of his theory, only nodded, not saying anymore on the
subject. Remus watched him glance around the room until his eyes suddenly landed on Sirius'
old guitar sitting on the windowsill ledge.

"Can you teach me more of playing Sirius' guitar?"

"You really like that thing do you? Accio, guitar!" The guitar zoomed its way towards Remus
who reached up and caught it.

"Yeah, it's really cool that he was into music. I didn't know that about him, I wish he'd told
me."

"There were a lot of things he wanted to tell you, but didn't get the chance to," Remus said, as
he tuned the guitar. He didn't miss the way Harry's eyes grew dark at his words. Remus began
to play softly, hoping this song would cheer him up. He didn't mean to remind him of the
time Sirius and Harry had lost.

"Yes, I'm being followed by a moonshadow

Moonshadow, moonshadow

Leaping and hopping on a moonshadow

Moonshadow, moonshadow

And if I ever lose my hands

Lose my plow, lose my land

Oh, if I ever lose my hands

Oh, if, I won't have to work no more

And if I ever lose my eyes

If my colours all run dry

Yes, if I ever lose my eyes

Oh, if, I won't have to cry no more

Yes, I'm being followed by a moonshadow

Moonshadow, moonshadow

Leaping and hopping on a moonshadow

Moonshadow, moonshadow…"

And the memory of Sirius' blue-grey eyes, full of laughter and love, was all he could see as
Remus remembered his voice singing the exact song to him so long ago in the hospital wing.
When everything seemed easier than and they had each other.

Did it take long to find me?

I ask the faithful light

Oh, did it take long to find me?

And, are you gonna stay the night?

I'm being followed by a moonshadow

Moonshadow, moonshadow

Leaping and hopping on a moonshadow

Moonshadow, moonshadow

The memory made him hurt too much to keep playing. He stopped, remembering Sirius'
voice was like a stake through the heart. He took a deep breath and looked up at Harry, and
the way Harry was looking at him, he knew his cub understood.

"This was the song he used to teach me to play. Sirius used to sing it to me around the time of
my changes. Especially when I was stuck in the hospital wing for days. He said it was about
finding peace in your darkest moments. My darkest moment was changing and the wounds I
suffered from, he always found a way to remind me I had him and our friends. I just want you
to think of that song when you're missing Sirius. He would want you to be happy, cub. You
have me and Severus, just think of how much we love you." Remus then handed him the
guitar. "Come on, show me the chords I taught you last time."

And that was how they spent the rest of the day, playing the guitar and drinking too much hot
chocolate. Harry finally opened up to Remus, becoming more talkative about his day. Remus
did his best to give Harry advice on what he needed to do about his fighting friends and
where he went wrong with Ginny.

"I'm sorry, Harry, I was never good with girls… I think you should just tell her how you feel."

Harry was laying on the windowsill ledge with his third cup of hot chocolate. "I don't
know…girls are so complicated. Remus, can I ask you something?"

"Yes of course."

"Do you remember that night? When Severus got called by Voldemort and I went off at you
because you were pushing me to talk about my cutting?"

"Yeah and I apologize, Harry, it was wrong of me to push you when you clearly didn't want
to talk."

"No it's okay, I…I was upset. You just wanted me to talk to you and I couldn't. I'm just
bringing this up because at the time, I was afraid you'll see me as a freak, just like how the
Dursleys did. That's why I got angry."

"Cub, you are not a freak." Remus stated, anger rising in him at the thought of those muggles.
One day, he would know exactly what happened to Harry during their care. One day, Harry
would trust him enough to tell him.

"It's okay, Remus, I don't believe it as much anymore as I used to, thanks to Severus, but
sometimes it still pops up. Like for this, I think I've sabotaged myself with Ginny because
deep down, I was afraid she'll see me as the freak the Dursleys saw me as."

"I don't think she'll ever see you as a freak. I certainly don't and neither do Ron and
Hermione, they've stuck by you for so long, Harry. That has to mean something to you."

"I know, I know…" Harry said softly, running his hand through his messy hair, blushing at
Remus' next words.

"Harry, you are not a freak, please believe me, okay? I wish you could see yourself as how I
see you, a strong and kind-hearted kid."

Remus, still stuck on the sofa with his leg propped up, wished he could make Harry see that.

Me and you are so alike... Remus thought, thinking of his own insecurities of seeing himself
as a monster, just as Harry saw himself as a freak.

"I think I should get going," Harry suddenly said, getting up and stretching before collecting
his robes. "I told Ron I'll see him at dinner. Are you coming, Remus?"

"No, I'll stay here," Remus slowly got up and hopped over to Harry.

"Thanks for opening up to me, kid, I've missed you, you know that?"

"I did too, Remus, I missed talking to you. It was just hard for a while…I'm sorry for telling
you I don't trust you. I'm trying…"

"I know, I understand, and please believe me that you're not a freak. Ginny will never see that
of you, so just tell her how you feel, don't let the Dursleys get to you."

Harry only nodded as he lifted his bag to his shoulder. He then smiled and said, "Should we
talk about what's going on with you and Severus next time we hang out?"

Remus, taken aback by those words, shook his head, "Harry, there is nothing going on."

"Okay," Harry said, his voice teasing.

"Go on, get out of here," Remus said in exasperation.

Harry only laughed as he then walked down the corridor, on his way to the Great Hall.

.
.

The Three Broomsticks was crowded with shoppers and students on a cold Saturday
morning. Remus was waiting for Tonks just outside the pub, leaning on his cane. Madam
Pomfrey would throw a fit if she saw him out here so soon and he hoped he didn't run into
her. She was lucky he had brought the cane. Remus was tired of being cooped up in the
castle. He also missed hanging out with Tonks. He hadn't seen her in weeks since before the
last full-moon. Today, he and Tonks had planned to meet for a warm drink at the pub, since
Remus couldn't really walk around the village due to his injured leg. Vector was invited but
ended up having to stay at the castle for tutoring sessions. Arithmancy was always a tough
subject for the students.

Remus hadn't really expected to make another friend, but he did. Vector was easy and fun to
be around, just like Tonks. Vector had spent an evening with them at the pub and he
unexpectedly fit right in, becoming a part of their small group.

"Blimey, it's only October and already it's snowing, we are in for a hell of a winter," Tonks
said, surprising Remus. He hadn't noticed her coming up to him among the crowd.

Remus smiled, "It's nice to see you again, Tonks, let's get inside and warm up."

"Yes, please! I can't feel my face!" she laughed as they stepped inside the warm pub.

Tonks was right, the day was cold, colder than it usually was in October. Winter had started
early. Remus could feel his face and hands defrosting. He didn't have any gloves on, only his
old tan muggle coat and Gryffindor scarf that was older than his students.

"Where's Vector?"

"Oh, he couldn't make it, tutoring sessions," Remus said.

Tonks winced with sympathy. "I don't envy him. I guess it's just you and me, then?"

Tonks shook the snow off her shoulders and then reached up and brushed the snow out of
Remus' hair, she laughed as he shook his head, splattering snow everywhere. She was dressed
today in a warm dark-purple muggle coat. Her mousy-brown hair was done in two short
braids. Her eyes were a bright sky-blue color, matching the beanie she was wearing.

"I'll get us some drinks, you can find a table," Tonks decided. "You need to get off that leg, I
feel bad making you come down all this way."

"I needed the exercise," Remus shrugged. "Just don't tell Poppy I was here. She'll come down
here herself and drag me back to the hospital wing if she knew."

"Yikes, I've spent a lot of my time there as well due to my clumsiness. Don't worry your
secret is safe with me," she laughed, then turned towards the bar. "Morning, Rosmerta, a hot
cider and a hot chocolate would be lovely, both spiked with whiskey, of course!"

Remus limped his way to one of the last empty booths, leaning his cane against the wall. He
hoped the whiskey would help numb the aching pain from the walk down here. It was foolish
of him to attempt this journey so soon after being released from the hospital wing, but he
needed air. He also wasn't going to deny Tonks' invitation, they were becoming closer every
time they hung out. It was just something about her that sparked something inside Remus. He
felt young around her, they never ran out of things to talk about and she was always making
him laugh. He felt carefree around her and she was cute. Remus had never really shown
much interest in women. His dating history was only Marlene McKinnon for a week of hand
holding in third year and then Sirius. He didn't even want to think about what was going on
with him and Severus. Tonks was just easy to be with. He didn't know if he liked her, but for
now, he was just enjoying her friendship.

Tonks soon joined him with their drinks. "Bottoms up," she smiled, sitting across from him.

They clinked their glasses together. "Cheers," Remus said, before drinking the spiked
chocolate, it warmed him instantly. He pulled off his coat, revealing a darker-brown
buttoned-up sweater underneath.

"Extra strong, in courtesy of Rosmerta," Tonks cheered. "Vector is bloody missing this!"

Their conversation turned to Vector, making fun of their friend's antics the last time they
drank together. Then it turned to Tonks' job as an Auror and what she'd been up to with Mad-
Eye lately, then to their school days at Hogwarts, Remus' adventures in the werewolf
colonies, to his teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts. Now they were talking about music,
along with starting a second round of drinks.

"So you were in the Hogwarts choir?" Remus asked. "I once thought about joining, but I had
too much going on with my furry problem. I learned to sing from Sirius, I have his guitar."

"His guitar? I think I remember it… My mum was the one who gave it to him. I helped pick
it out. He was the only one of my mum's family that I was able to see."

"Sirius and Andromeda were the only ones who were normal in that family."

"Now, I wouldn't call my cousin normal!" Tonks laughed.

"Yeah, you're right, Sirius was a nutcase," Remus laughed.

"I've never heard him play," Tonks sighed, sipping her cider.

"That was because of Azkaban. I don't think he even knew how to play anymore once he
returned. His passion for so many things were gone. He was a different person before he
died," Remus said, finishing the last of his chocolate. The buzz of the alcohol was making
him feel light and warm, more willing to talk.

"I would've loved to hear him play."

"Yeah…his voice was beautiful," Remus said wistfully.

Tonks suddenly looked at her watch. "Bloody hell, it's already almost noon! I promised Mad-
Eye I'll stop by the office. I'm sorry, Remus. This was fun, we need to hang out again."
"Yes, of course!" Remus agreed, putting on his coat.

"How about next time we have a go on that guitar? If you don't mind, that is? I'd like to show
off my voice, and I'm curious about what you can do."

"That sounds perfect," Remus said. "I should also be getting back to the castle. I'll walk out
with you." Remus picked up his cane and carefully stood up, limping after Tonks and saying
goodbye to Madam Rosmerta before stepping into the freezing air outside.

"Harry!"

Remus and Tonks, startled at the sudden scream, glanced at each other, then looked towards
the direction of Hermione's voice. Just a few steps away, he could see Harry pinning
Mundungus Fletcher against the wall with a hand around his neck and his wand pointing at
him, ready to attack. His face was full of anger.

"You took that from Sirius' house!" Harry shouted. "That had the Black family crest on it!"

"Harry!" Remus shouted, trying to get to the angry teen. A large crowd of shoppers had
decided to enter the pub, cutting him and Tonks off from Harry and his friends. He could
barely see Mundungus' blue face between the crowds of passing people.

"Harry, you mustn't!" Hermione shrieked.

A loud bang suddenly sounded, shaking the ground and causing people to scream and move
aside, finally allowing Remus and Tonks to get through. A loud crack followed, alerting
Mundungus' departure.

"Come back you thieving…!" Harry shouted, as Remus limped towards him as fast as he
could, hearing the colorful choice of swear words out of the boy's mouth. Remus was sure he
picked up some of those from Severus.

"Harry!" Tonks had gotten to him and his friends first. "There's no point in yelling in the
middle of the street. He has to be in London by now."

"Harry!" Remus finally reached him, grabbing him by his upper arm and pulling him away
from the others. "Why are you attacking Mundungus?!" he shouted.

"He was nicking Sirius' stuff, Remus, nicking it! That's my stuff! And it's yours! He's stealing
from us!"

"Harry, you need to calm down. Tonks is right, Mundungus is long gone. Besides, you know
Sirius didn't care for that stuff and neither do you, don't get upset over it."

"But we have to do something! He can't get away with this!"

"I know, I'll inform Dumbledore about this, that way he can place wards against Mundungus
from entering the house again."

"Okay good! But doesn't this bother you, Remus? That was Sirius' stuff! He had no right!"
"Believe me, it bothers me too, but it's just stuff. You've told Severus before that you didn't
want any of it."

Harry huffed out in frustration, "Yeah, but still!"

"Come on, cub, reign in that temper of yours," Remus said gently, his hand still holding on to
Harry's upper arm. "Just let that stuff go. I'm going back to Hogwarts. Do you want to walk
back with me? Or do you want to stay with your friends?"

He wondered if this was going to trigger Harry to cut. Remus couldn't blame him for being
upset. He had half a mind right now to track Mundungus down and curse him for his thievery
because it did bother him, but not as much as it was bothering Harry. Sirius really didn't care
for that stuff, plus Remus had to stay in control for his cub.

Harry took a deep breath. Remus looked earnestly back at him in concern. Hoping he was
going to be okay. He didn't want to leave him if he was too triggered.

"I think I'll be okay, I want to stay with my friends," Harry finally said as he ran his hand
through his messy black hair.

"Are you sure? Just please find me or your dad, if anything, do you promise?" Remus said,
squeezing his arm and making direct eye contact.

"I promise I'll be okay," Harry muttered, his bright-green eyes meeting Remus' own, full of
sincerity at the words.

"Alright, go on then."

Remus let go of his arm and watched as Harry walked back towards Tonks and his friends,
exchanging a few words with her before the teens went inside the pub.

Tonks was now by Remus' side as they walked down the street.

"Wow, that was intense," she said.

"He's just upset. He's had a hard time dealing with Sirius' death and then seeing Mundungus
stealing his godfather's stuff was a bit triggering."

"I don't blame him, I would've been pissed as well. What about you, Remus? Are you okay?"

Remus shrugged. "Sirius hated that place and everything in it. I already have the guitar, the
only thing worth saving."

"I'm glad it's safe with you," Tonks said, smiling softly at him. "I should really get going.
We'll jam out on that guitar next time we see each other, yeah?"

Remus nodded as they hugged each other, then with a crack she was gone, leaving Remus
alone to limp slowly back to Hogwarts in the falling snow.

Remus was halfway to the castle when a voice suddenly shouted his name.
"Lupin!"

He turned around to see a hooded figure catching up to him, white snowflakes contrasted
against the dark fabric. It was Severus. Remus felt his heart speed up at the sight of the
Potions Master in the snow, wearing dark winter robes, gloves and a Slytherin scarf.

"You know Poppy will have kittens if she sees you out here. How is your leg handling this
hike?"

"It's numb from the cold," Remus said sheepishly, his teeth chattering a bit. Even with the
layers and his thin tan coat, Remus was still feeling the frost seeping through.

Severus looked at his cold hand holding on to the cane, the other in his pockets. "Your hand
is red, here take my gloves."

Before Remus could refuse, Severus took off his gloves and handed them to him.

"Thank you," Remus blushed, putting them on, his fingers suddenly defrosting in the warmth
of the soft gloves. "There's a heating charm on them?"

Severus nodded. "Come on, wolf, it's bloody freezing out here. We'll have a cup of tea and I
can give you something for the pain in my quarters."

"That would be nice, Severus."

Severus suddenly reached up and brushed the snow out of Remus' hair. His closed lips were
turned upward in a small and shy smile. Remus met his eyes, his stomach doing somersaults.
They were standing so close, he could see the pinkness of Severus' cheeks from the icy air.
The fog of their breaths intermingling together. Remus' heart was threatening to beat out of
his chest as he forced himself to pull away, walking ahead of Severus. The crunching sound
of his footsteps was loud between them.

Remus tried to ignore his internal reaction of being so close to this man walking besides him.
He tried to ignore the very fact that he didn't have the same reaction this morning when Tonks
did the same thing, brushing the snow off of him as they entered the pub. Remus really liked
Tonks, he had fun with her today. She was cute, funny and good company. Any wizard or
witch would be lucky to be with her and Remus just didn't feel it.

He didn't get lost in her eyes, his heart didn't go haywire at the sound of her voice, his legs
didn't want to give out at the sight of her, but Remus felt all of that with Severus, and he was
afraid. Afraid this could be the start of something big, deep and true just like with what he
had with Sirius….

And what if Remus gave himself and Severus a chance? What if he just said fuck it and let
himself be happy for once? And what if he did just that and ended up hurt and alone? Just
like how it ended with Sirius. Remus just couldn't do it…he wasn't brave enough. He couldn't
deal with heartbreak just now, not on top of everything else.
Remus broke out of his thoughts and glanced at Severus who was walking beside him, snow
was falling lightly, landing on the hood of his cloak that covered his long dark hair and green
Slytherin scarf. Remus quickly thought of something to say, only to break the sudden heavy
silence that was filled with only the sound of their crunching footsteps in the snow.

"I just ran into Harry as I was leaving the pub."

Remus then explained Harry's confrontation with Mundungus. "You're going to have to talk
to him. I hope I was right in leaving him with his friends, I just didn't want to embarrass him
in the middle of the village."

"No, you were right, Remus," Severus said in his deep voice. "Harry is in good hands with
his friends. I'll make sure to talk to him once he returns, just to check up on him, it may still
trigger him later. Blasted Mundungus!"

"That was a colorful mouth he had, I wonder who he learned it from?" Remus laughed.

"Who? Mundungus?" Severus asked, turning his head slightly to look at Remus.

"No, silly, your son," Remus smiled mischievously.

"Are you insinuating he learned that language from me?" Severus asked, sounding insulted.

Remus couldn't help but laugh, shrugging his shoulders. "You said it, not me."

Severus only rolled his eyes, causing Remus to laugh even more as he walked on ahead. A
snowball suddenly hit him in the back.

"Hey!" Remus laughed, bending down slowly to pick up some snow to retaliate. He threw his
snowball at Severus, but since he was still feeling the effects of his whiskey-spiked drinks, he
missed and began to slip on the icy path.

Severus caught him just before he hit the ground, standing him upright "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine, it's hard walking in this snow." His heart beating fast at Severus' touch,
Remus forced himself to ignore it, to stop thinking they could ever be more than friends. If
only Severus knew the effect he had on Remus.

"You shouldn't have come out here. Just lean on me, I'll help you the rest of the way. We
aren't too far now."

Severus took the cane and had Remus lean against him, pulling him close and wrapping an
arm around his waist. Remus threw an arm around Severus' shoulders, leaning half his weight
on him. And despite of his heart beating against his chest at being so close once again,
Remus just let it happen.

Fuck it... Remus thought. He needed help. His leg was really hurting now, making it hard to
walk.
They then journeyed on slowly up to Hogwarts to have a cup of warm tea, not knowing that
soon they would be interrupted by an attack on Katie Bell.
 I Saw It All, I Felt It All
Chapter Summary

Enjoy! Next post will be next weekend!

Chapter Nine - I Saw It All, I Felt It All

Severus was walking swiftly through the corridors to Minerva's office. He and Remus were
enjoying warm bowls of soup in the Hogwarts kitchens after battling the snow from
Hogsmead when they were interrupted by a summons from Madam Pomfrey to come to the
hospital wing as soon as possible. Hagrid was on his way with Katie Bell who had been
cursed. Later, as Severus and Remus examined the dark magic radiating from the
unconscious girl in the hospital wing, Filch arrived with a cursed necklace wrapped in
Harry's scarf.

"Professor McGonagall has the Potter boy and his friends with her in her office, I bet they
had something to do with it. She wants you to come by, let me know if you need the chains, I
have them nice and polished in my office," Filch had said too gleefully to Severus' distaste.
He had to hold back from hexing the man for talking that way about his son.

Severus had taken the necklace carefully, shutting the door in the man's face. What made
Albus choose to hire him as the caretaker, Severus would never know. And of course Harry
and his friends were caught up in this. They were always in the thick of things, meddling
Gryffindors... Severus gently laid the necklace on Madam Pomfrey's desk.

"Lupin, come look at this," he said, waving his wand over it. The dark magic radiating from it
was making him sick. Remus seemed to have felt the same because his face grew a little
green as he studied it alongside Severus. After a while they finally discovered what counter
curse could be used to keep the curse from spreading in Bell. Once they were about done,
Severus left it to Remus to finish so he could attend to his son who was still stuck in
Minerva's office.

Severus arrived at the office swift and silent as Minerva was by the portrait door telling the
teens off.

"There is no way it could've been Draco Malfoy. He was doing detention with me this
afternoon, catching up on all the assignments he has missed. Thank you for telling me your
suspicions, Potter, now if you excuse me," she turned around, noticing Severus by the door.
"Your father is here. You can discuss this with him. I need to check on Katie Bell."

Minerva nodded to him. They both stepped out into the hallway. Now that she was out of
sight from the teens, she began to reveal how worried she really was of the situation.
"Severus, I'm glad you're here. Did you and Remus get a chance to look at that necklace?
How is Katie doing?"

"She's stable," Severus answered. "It was dark and advanced magic. Remus is just finishing
up with the counter curse now. Contact me if anything changes."

"That poor girl… She is lucky to have you and Remus here," Minerva said quietly, shaking
her head. She then glanced at Harry quickly. "Potter thinks the culprit was Malfoy. There's no
way he's right, is he? You've said it yourself, this is advanced dark magic that we're dealing
with."

Severus sighed impatiently. "Of course he thinks it's Malfoy. I'll talk to him. It doesn't hurt to
explore this theory even if it is far-fetched. Thank you for holding him here."

Minerva nodded and not waiting another second, left for the hospital wing. Severus watched
the witch hurry down the corridor before entering the office. He found his son pacing, his two
friends sitting down in the student chairs in front of Minerva's desk. They were all looking
flushed from the cold and frustrated with each other as they talked about the possibilities of it
being Draco. Granger and Weasley grew quiet once they saw Severus.

"Can you two wait outside, please," Severus said as politely as he could, only for Harry.

They both nodded, casting weary glances at Harry before standing up, closing the door softly
behind them. Severus looked at Harry who finally stopped pacing.

"Sev!" Harry blurted out. "I…you have to believe me."

"Hold up," Severus replied, his voice full of authority, giving Harry a hint to stop and listen.
"First of all, I want to know if you're okay?"

Harry shrugged, muttering, "Yeah, I'm fine."

"Okay. Tell me what happened with Bell, then we'll get to your Draco theory."

Severus listened to Harry as he began to explain how he and his friends were walking back to
Hogwarts from The Three Broomsticks. Katie and Leanne were in front of them arguing
about the necklace when suddenly Katie rose into the air with her arms stretched out and her
face expressionless. Before they were able to pull her down, she started screaming as if she
were in pain. Luckily, Harry was able to find Hagrid to help them, who rushed Katie back to
the hospital wing. Harry found the necklace in the snow, wrapped it up in his scarf and gave
it to Professor McGonagall once they met her at the steps of the castle.

"Harry, what you did was right. You got help as soon as you could. You had the sense to not
touch the necklace and bring it to us…"

"Is Katie okay?" Harry asked, not letting Severus finish.

"Remus and I stabilized her. Madam Pomfrey and Professor McGonagall are looking after
her now."
Harry met Severus' gaze in earnest. "Sev, I think it was Draco. He has to be behind this. You
did tell me he was given a task from Voldemort!"

"Professor McGonagall told you he was here the whole time doing detention," Severus
answered.

Harry started pacing again. "Well, that's the perfect alibi, isn't it? Someone has to be working
with him. Possibly a girl since Leanne said Katie went to the girl's bathroom and came back
out with the necklace."

"Harry, I am listening to you. Your theory does have potential, but even if you're right, task or
no task, you don't have proof," Severus said, still standing by the portrait door, watching his
son fuming over Draco. He really hoped the teen would've dropped this by now.
Unfortunately it looked like Bell's incident had brought up all of Harry's suspicions of Draco
bearing the dark mark back from beneath the surface. He really wished Harry could just let it
be, mind his own business, focus on school but this was Harry, famous for his hero complex.
He was a Gryffindor through and through, just like his parents. Severus was a fool to think
Harry would drop this.

"Yeah, I know, McGonagall told me the same thing but I know he's up to something!" Harry
argued back. "Do you remember when we went to Diagon Alley before I got taken by
Greyback? Ron, Hermione and I followed Draco to Borgin and Burkes. It seemed like he was
trying to get something fixed! It has to be the necklace he was talking about! Maybe his task
is to bring a dark object in? Or maybe to hurt someone by using dark objects? My friends and
I were thinking about Slughorn or Dumbledore. Slughorn knows a lot of the bad crowd,
maybe Voldemort is out to get him…"

"Okay, son, that's enough."

His voice was low, commanding authority once more. He needed the boy to calm down, the
pacing was triggering a headache in him.

"Dad!" Harry shouted in frustration at Severus' tone. "I feel like this is right! Don't you
believe me?"

Severus kept a steady gaze at the teen who had finally stopped pacing. His hands balled into
tight fists. Severus stepped closer to him so that Harry was looking up at him with green eyes
full of hurt and frustration to be heard. Severus suddenly grabbed his hands, ignoring the
flinch as he made Harry unclenched his fists, revealing crescent-shaped marks on his palms.
"You're hurting yourself. I need you to calm down now," Severus said. "Sit, please."

Sitting down in one of the student chairs, Harry blinked in shock at his palms, as if he just
realized what he was doing. He then sighed, running his hand through his messy black hair.
Severus knew it was a nervous tic of his.

"I do believe you are on to something. Like I've said, your theory doesn't sound completely
impossible, however, you have to realize there are a lot of flaws. It could've been anyone who
gave the necklace to Bell. Dumbledore has a lot of enemies and so does Slughorn. That
necklace still could've been for anyone either than them. Now I am planning on speaking to
Draco about this, I'm not going to ignore this possibility. Just please leave it to me. I don't
want you getting into any more fights with him. I need you to trust me on this."

Harry was sitting with his arms crossed, eyes on his lap. His body stiffened at the words:
Trust me on this.

Severus sighed and he knelt down in front of Harry. He realized he was going to have to be at
eye level to make Harry see, to make him understand the importance of his trust. He lifted his
hand gently, so that Harry could see Severus' intentions so he wouldn't flinch in fear again.
He placed his hands over Harry's own.

"Harry, please, I know what I'm asking. I know it's hard for you. I know you're trying. I want
you to understand that I'm not going to let Draco fall into dark magic. Trust me."

Harry stared at Severus, his eyes dark with grief for his friend. "Severus, I want to." A tear
fell down his cheek and Severus wiped it away with a calloused thumb.

"I know you do, kid, just please try for me. Leave this to me. Trust me," he softly said again.

Harry nodded slowly. His green eyes were bright as he suddenly threw himself forward,
hugging Severus tight.

"Everyone thinks I'm crazy about this but I know I'm right. They've made Draco into a Death
Eater. I know he doesn't want that, he doesn't want to do this task. I'm scared for him, dad."

Severus held his son tighter at those words to show that he was here and listening. It was so
rare for Harry to call him dad, to express any sort of affection due to his past abuse. This boy
was always so afraid of taking initiative with showing affection and so Severus always
appreciated these rare moments. He just wished Harry could trust him enough to protect
Draco.

Suddenly, the dark thoughts that were always on the edge of Severus' mind broke through his
wall of protection. Thoughts of Harry starting to trust him, the journey it took him to get
there, all of that would soon be shattered because of Albus and his plans. Severus closed his
eyes tight, his heart beating in pain at the thought. Harry finally let go of him. And Severus
mentally chased away those thoughts and emotions, making sure his face was passive, hoping
Harry wouldn't see the pain in his eyes.

He held Harry at arm's length, searching his face for any sign of emotional stress that may
resort to cutting. "Are you truly okay, son? Remus told me what happened with Mundungus
earlier today. He said you were very upset and attacked him in the middle of the street. Harry,
you need to control that temper of yours. Besides, you've told me yourself you didn't want
that stuff."

"I'm okay," Harry answered, his voice a bit choked up. "And yeah, that was Sirius' stuff! He
left it to me and Remus. Mundungus had no right!"

"You shouldn't have attacked him in the middle of the street," Severus reprimanded as he let
the boy go. He pulled himself up to sit on the other chair besides Harry.
Harry shrugged and muttered, "He deserved it, bloody git."

"Watch your language. Mundungus isn't worth the stress. Remus said the only thing worth
keeping was the guitar and it's safe with him. Dumbledore will know about it."

"McGonagall said he's not back until Monday. Where is he going?"

"It's Professor McGonagall," Severus berated.

Harry scowled in frustration but didn't say anything.

"Listen!" Severus snapped. "The headmaster is a busy man. He is taking care of business for
the Order, you know I cannot tell you."

"Fine," Harry scowled again. "I'm just tired of all these secrets. You talk a big game of me
needing to trust you and Professor Dumbledore, yet you don't trust me enough to handle
knowing the truth. I'm the one Voldemort wants, I have every right!"

"I know, Harry, I know you do," Severus said softly. "Believe me, I wish I can tell you, but
it's his decision."

Harry sighed, "I just want to be more useful to the war. Instead, I'm just stuck here in school."

"There's one way you could help out."

"And what is that?"

"Restart the D.A. Club."

"I don't know, Sev, with Quidditch and everything else…" Harry shook his head.

"This time Remus will be here to facilitate the club, so it won't all be on you and Granger.
You won't be alone this time, Harry. Just think how much this could help you and your peers,
by preparing them to fight. One day you and all of them may be forced to join the war, you'll
want them to be prepared. Starting this club is as good as saving their lives, just think how
much they were improving last year."

"Yeah, you're right," Harry said as he thought about Severus' reasons. "Okay, fine, I'll start it
again as long as Remus helps me."

Severus smiled softly at him. "You know I don't bring up your actual dad James much, he and
Black would've been proud of you."

Harry grinned, giving him a funny look.

"What?" Severus asked, suddenly feeling a bit self-conscious.

"Was that the first time you've called James by his first name and said something nice about
him and Sirius? It sounded sort of weird when you said that."
"I think it was," Severus admitted. "Don't worry, I still hate them."

"And all is right in the world again," Harry teased, causing Severus to roll his eyes with
annoyance.

It was the next day, Katie Bell was stabilized. Severus and Remus had managed to stop the
curse from spreading. She was quickly sent to St. Mungo's for further treatment. Severus left
a letter on Albus' desk explaining the events of Katie Bell, Harry's suspicions on Draco,
Mundungus raiding Grimmauld Place and Harry reinstating the D.A. Club, for Albus to find
once he returned.

Severus was just coming back from the headmaster's office when he ran into Remus walking
back and forth in front of the Room of Requirement, still limping heavily from overworking
his leg yesterday. His cane was, of course, nowhere to be seen, Severus inwardly sighed at
the wolf's stubbornness and carelessness of his injury.

"What are you up to, wolf?" Severus asked, pausing in his fast stride to watch Remus pace.

"Since I'm the facilitator of Harry's club, I'm finding a place to practice. It would be nice to
see if I can get the same room as last year." Remus paused in his pacing, staring up at the
wall. "The door isn't opening," he frowned with confusion and frustration.

Remus began to pace again, well hobble more like it, Severus observed with a shake of his
head. He was about to raise his wand and summon the blasted cane when suddenly, Remus
bumped into a young first year girl that neither of them had yet to notice up until that
moment, causing Remus to almost topple over. Severus was luckily nearby to hold him
steady by the shoulder.

"Watch it!" Severus viciously snapped, causing the young girl to drop a set of scales she was
carrying and run off.

"Severus, don't be so nasty! Hey, you dropped your scales!" Remus called after the girl, but
she was gone as fast as she had appeared.

"That was strange…" Severus said, eyeing the hall the girl ran down. "How did we not notice
her?"

"Never mind that," Remus said, putting his hand on the wall. "Shouldn't the room have
appeared by now?"

Severus tore his gaze away from the empty corridor.

"Here, let me try."

Remus stepped aside as Severus walked back and forth, thinking: I need a room for a large
group of students to practice dueling. He did it several times, thinking different ways he
needed the room for…and nothing... He even tried thinking he needed the loo, and still, it
didn't appear.

"That's strange, maybe someone is inside?" Severus said, giving up after all of his failed
attempts. "Little girls randomly appearing and a room that isn't working as it should?" He
turned to Remus, who was staring quizzically at Severus.

"Let's get out of here, Lupin, we can set up a dueling space in one of the empty classrooms in
the Defense corridor. We don't need the Room of Requirement. Harry doesn't have to keep
the club a secret any longer."

They found an empty classroom in the Defense corridor. It was perfect since it was close to
Remus' classroom, office, and quarters; so that he was always nearby to check on the students
and help Harry if he needed anything.

They spent the whole day cleaning out the furniture, creating a big open space and replacing
them with soft blue matts and various types of beanbags. Remus stocked the shelves with his
favorite books on defensive spells and dueling. They had even found a boggart that put up
quite a fight. They've managed to transport it into a cupboard in the DADA classroom so
Remus could use it for his third years, after he promised Severus several times he wouldn't
use it to make fun of him like the last time.

"Not too shabby," Remus said, looking around the finished room. They were sitting on the
matts, exhausted. Severus was very much sure that Remus' leg was bothering him greatly
now, he had refused Severus' offer to get him his cane and Severus, with great annoyance, let
him have his way.

"Are you sure this added responsibility won't be too much?"

"No, it's a good distraction. I'll be able to spend more time with Harry," Remus answered.
"Did I tell you he stopped by my quarters on Friday? He opened up to me, Severus, not
completely but he did. You know he's changed since the summer. He's a bit more open, not so
closed up and quiet. He even asked me about girls," Remus laughed.

Severus sitting cross-legged beside him, snapped his head to look at the werewolf. "What did
you say to him?"

"Not much," Remus shrugged, he laid down flat on his back, crossing his arms under his head
as a cushion. His grey and golden hair splayed out on the blue mats. "I couldn't help him. My
experiences of dating girls is laughable and I don't think I should count Marlene McKinnon. I
was only ever with Sirius."

"More than me I suppose…" Severus cleared his throat, suddenly embarrassed.

Remus raised his head slightly at the subtle confession, looking at Severus with his wide
hazel eyes. "You've never been with anyone?"

"Well, you know I had a big crush on Lily and I was caught up with the dark arts. Then I
became Albus' Death Eater spy. That's not exactly boyfriend material to anyone," Severus
defended, his cheeks turning red.

"That's understandable, Severus, but at school, besides Lily, you had no other crushes?"

Severus rolled his eyes. "Don't laugh. I might've had a crush on Narcissa for a while."

Remus smiled, "Every Slytherin did."

"Yeah…well, she never noticed me."

"What about boys?" Remus had now propped himself up by the elbows. He blushed at his
bold question, pulling his gaze away. "Forgive me for asking. You don't have to answer."

"No, it's okay, wolf. I don't know. I've never thought much about being interested in boys.
You're the first boy I've ever kissed. I don't know if that means I'm only into boys or I'm still
interested in girls."

Severus could feel his face blushing immensely at his confessions. He didn't even know why
he was revealing so much, as if someone had slipped a truth potion into his morning tea.
Gazing at the earnest and warm gaze of Remus Lupin, eyes hazel and green like a wooded
forest in summer time, Severus realized it wasn't a truth potion that was making him spill his
guts out.

It was Remus.

Only Remus could make him talk like this. Make him admit things about himself that he
hadn't given much thought yet, things like his own sexuality. For some reason it was barely
just hitting him that kissing Remus twice in the past, that being interested in this man besides
him, craving his company, his scent, touch, and voice might mean that Severus might indeed
be into men.

Or maybe only him….

Severus then realized he hadn't said anything else in a while and only shrugged to let Remus
know he was done.

Remus gave him a sympathetic smile, "You don't have to figure it out all in one day."

"Have you always been into men?"

Remus nodded. "It took a while for me to realize it. I went through a whole identity crisis
back in school, and it made a lot of sense why Marlene and I didn't work."

"You were rather popular with the girls," Severus said, remembering Lily, Marlene and their
friends always being around Remus, the only Marauder they had invited into their friend
circle. "I've always wondered why you never went out with them. When you and Black
started going out, it made sense."

"That I'm a gay werewolf?" Remus gave him a mischievous and wolfish grin.
Severus shoved him gently and laughed. "You said it, not me!"

Remus shoved him back gently, joining in Severus' laughter. Once their laughter subsided,
Remus sat up.

"How did you even know Sirius and I were dating back in school? We've kept it hidden, you
know how strict it was back in those days for the queer."

"I realized it while I was…" Severus shrugged in embarrassment. He didn't want to mention
the obsession he once had in finding out if Remus Lupin was a werewolf. How he would
always watch him for any sign of proof. "It was just the way you two looked at each other,
the way you spoke, like no one else was in the room."

"Things were easier back then," Remus scoffed. "We were young. Come on, let's go sit in my
quarters."

Severus stood up and helped Remus by offering an arm for him to grab onto, pulling him up
and allowing Remus to use his arm as a cane, not saying a word about Remus' grimace of
pain.

But despite the pain Remus' leg was causing him, Severus couldn't help but notice how cute
and carefree Remus seemed right now, wishing he was like this all the time. He was enjoying
the easy banter between them. The urge to pull him close and kiss him suddenly took over as
he watched Remus pat the dust from his robes with his free hand. His hazel-green eyes still
bright with mischief as he looked up at Severus, silently signaling that he was ready to go.
Their eyes connected, causing the most intense feelings of butterflies in Severus' stomach that
he'd ever felt. He forced himself to look away quickly, also remembering to breathe. Trying
not to think of that hand clenched onto his arm still.

Severus led the way out of the room with Remus limping beside him. He somehow felt like
he was missing his chance to tell Remus that he did have another crush besides Lily and
Narcissa. It was a fleeting moment. If Remus felt the same way, Severus had no clue. He
wasn't ready to find that out yet, Remus never talked about the two kisses they've shared.
Leading Severus to believe that he might not feel the same way. So he cowardly let the
moment pass, deciding he would rather keep him close as a friend than nothing at all.

Once they were in the living room of Remus' quarters, Remus sat down beside him on the
sofa with a sigh of relief, resting his leg on the coffee table.

"You need to stay off that leg."

"I'm too busy to rest," Remus said, closing his eyes.

"The pain won't go away."

"I'm used to pain."

"At least use the cane."

"What cane?"

Severus shook his head with exasperation at the stubborn werewolf. Their knees were almost
touching. He thought about moving his knee away, but Severus couldn't when the warmth of
Remus beside him was making his heart beat fast against his chest. The butterflies in his
stomach were still madly fluttering around. And they were close enough that Severus could
inhale Remus' scent. It was a hundred times better than Amortentia.

A silence had suddenly settled between them. Severus glanced at Remus who was staring
into the fireplace. The flames were crackling steadily in the quiet room, spreading its warmth
over them, chasing away the cold they felt from the drafty halls.

Remus' hazel eyes were far away as he stared at the dancing orange and yellow flames, eyes
clouded with pain and a deep sadness. Severus wondered what he was thinking about, what
he was remembering. He realized how thin Remus had grown, how the bags under his eyes
were deep and dark, his hair had grown more grayer, giving him a more raggedy appearance
than ever before. And Severus knew it was due to the depression Remus was lost in.

Finding a spurt of bravery, Severus gently picked up Remus' hand, his fingers going over the
shiny and smooth scar around his wrist.

Remus tore his eyes away from the flames and down at Severus' hand around his own.
"Silver chains. They burned like hell," Remus said softly, his eyes suddenly becoming dark
and his face growing pale with the painful memory. "I can still remember the smell of my
burning flesh."

"I'm sorry you had to go through that," Severus said softly. "Where did you go just now?"

Remus sighed, pulling his hand away from Severus. "I was thinking about a recent dream I've
had. It was different from the usual nightmares."

Severus turned himself towards Remus, so that he could fully see him sitting next to him. His
hazel-green eyes were now flecked with gold, lost in the crackling fire once again. Severus
could see him plummeting into his depression. It was like a darkness in him that dimmed the
light in his eyes, taking away Remus' Marauderish, mischievous and intelligent personality,
leaving just this shell of his former self. Remus was lost in his own darkness, with not even
the light of the fire in front of them to light his way out. It hurt Severus to see him like this,
so lost and in pain. The dark circles under his eyes were evidence of his sleepless nights.

"I'm here to listen, Remus, you can tell me about your nightmares," Severus said in a voice he
hoped that sounded encouraging.

Remus didn't say anything, eyes still fixed away from him. Severus wasn't sure if he heard
him, so he gently put his hand on the wolf's face, turning him slowly so he could look at
Severus.

"Just look at me, Remus, I'm right here with you."

Tired and dimmed golden-flecked hazel eyes met Severus' own searching onyx eyes.

"I'm sorry, I just feel like I'm falling into this darkness with no one to pull me out, no one to
catch me. I want to find the way out, but how can I? When I can't even see a light."

"You don't need to apologize. How could you ever be the same after what you've gone
through. I know you're lost, Remus, I can see you falling everyday. Just know that I'm here
for you. Fall on me. I will help you. You have to let me help you."

"I don't know how."

"Start by telling me about your dream."

Severus pulled his hands away from his face, letting Remus gather his thoughts who sighed
and finally began to talk.

"My nightmares are often memories of my time with Greyback. Most of the time it's me
running as the wolf and the voice of Kaylie haunting me. I'm always lost in this darkness. But
this morning it was different…" Remus looked at Severus with a bashful expression. "You're
going to think I'm crazy, Severus."

"I'm not going to think you're crazy."

"I…I dreamed of you."

Remus' face was now bright-red from his confessions. Severus felt like his heart leaped out of
his chest, shocked at what he said... Remus Lupin dreamed of him?

"I was running towards this light. It was new in my dreams, there's never been a light only
darkness…and I felt like I had to keep running towards it because there's something there…
Then suddenly the whole dream changed and I saw a black wolf but it was so fast, only a
flash… And then there was this grassy clearing and I wasn't in my wolf form anymore. We
were sitting among the tall grass, me and you, watching the wolf play with its pack and you
were talking to me. What do you think that means?"

Severus felt his stomach clench in nervousness and shock. Remus' dream was more than just
a dream, it was a memory. It was time to tell Remus how Severus had brought him back out
of his wolf-state-of-mind by using Legilimency, going through memories that were personal
to find him.

"I have a confession to make."

Remus stared at him, waiting, clearly in pain and confused at what Severus was trying to say.
Severus shouldn't have waited so long to tell him… It was just never the right time to bring
up such a subject.

"After you were rescued, you were trapped in your wolf-state-of-mind. I had to use
Legilimency to pull you out, you were a danger to others and yourself. It was the only way to
help you, do you understand? I didn't mean to invade your mind and see those memories. I
had to... I had to find you and pull you out. That dream of us in the meadow, of me talking to
you, that wasn't an ordinary dream. You're remembering me talking sense into you. You were
giving up, you didn't want to come back. I had to remind you of the worth of living."

"You went into my memories? You saw what they did to me, besides what I've chosen to
share with you?"

Severus nodded in guilt. "It was the only way."

"So the dream, it's real, I'm not crazy?"

"You're not crazy, only remembering."

"What did you see? Why didn't you tell me this sooner? I had asked you in the courtyard, you
lied to me?"

"I didn’t do it out of spite, I’m sorry, Remus, I lied because I didn't want to embarrass you, I
knew it was intimate to go into your mind like that, but it was the only way to help you. You
weren't yourself, Remus, you were giving up and I couldn't let that happen. I saw your
memories of the way your father treated you. I saw his reaction when you were accepted into
Hogwarts. I saw you as the wolf running with your pack. I saw what Greyback did to you. I
saw him burning that brand into you and the way you fought against him. I saw you with
Kaylie and the promise you made to her. I saw you lying in that cellar after you were forced
to fight the kids, after they had drugged you. I saw you losing yourself. And I felt your pain. I
felt the revulsion and shock you had after attacking those kids. I felt your grief. I felt the loss
of not only yourself, but of the deaths of Black and Kaylie. I felt the love you had for Black,
for your friends and Harry. I felt your loneliness, the way the wolf mourns for its pack during
the full-moons. I saw it all, I felt it all, Remus."

Remus was shaking hard at Severus' confession. "I feel like I should be upset at your
intrusion, but your intentions were good. You saved me. I think it's better this way. That way,
you understand…" Remus suddenly stopped, unable to speak anymore. He covered his face
with his hands.

Severus pulled the wolf close to him, holding him against his chest. Remus let him without
any protest, shaking hard against him.

"It's okay, Remus, I see you. You don't have to say anymore."

And with those words, he felt the wolf shudder softly, tears falling down his cheeks, letting
out a gut-wrenching sob. Severus could hear his pain and grief and only held Remus tighter
as if to show that he was bearing the pain with him.

Harry was excused from Dumbledore's office, closing the door just as Severus was arriving
up the stairs. Harry didn't notice him at first. His mood was still stuck on what transpired in
the meeting. He'd told Dumbledore everything about Draco. The headmaster refused to give
him a proper answer, only brushed him aside in a hurry to start the lessons.
Why can't Dumbledore just tell me what's going on? What's with all the secrecy? Is he even
planning on helping Draco?

Harry's stomach sank at those thoughts, it left him feeling hollow. He so much wanted to help
his friend. He knew Draco didn't want to be a Death Eater, he was trapped on the wrong side
of the war. Dumbledore was Harry's only hope and he brushed him aside. But why was Harry
even surprised? Why did this hurt so much? It wasn't unknown for Albus Dumbledore to
have secrets. Secrets that were apparently too important to trust onto Harry, yet expecting
Harry to blindly trust him.

Not only was he disappointed by the result of the Draco conversation with the headmaster,
but the memories that were shown to Harry, including the mysterious disappearance of the
cracked ring left a lot for him to think about. Dumbledore had done nothing but left him with
more unanswered questions, more secrets, leaving Harry as frustrated and tired as ever.

"Hey, kid."

Harry flinched, just realizing Severus was there. He pulled his gaze onto his dad. "I didn't see
you," he muttered in embarrassment. His anxiety was high, causing his hands to tremble. He
didn't want Severus to see, so he shoved them into his pockets, out of sight.

Severus gave him a look, as if he could see right through him. "Did your lesson with
Professor Dumbledore go well?"

Harry scowled in annoyance. Why did the professor always have to be so nosey? Why
couldn't he just let him be? "It was fine."

Taken aback, Severus flashed him a warning look. "I have to speak to the headmaster." He
frowned at Harry. "Wait for me here."

Harry didn't say anything, only nodded as Severus entered the office, closing the door behind
him. Harry forced himself to breathe quietly, pressing his ear to the door. He couldn't hear
anything. Severus of course had put up a silencing spell. He wondered what his dad and
Dumbledore were talking about, he hoped it was about Draco. Of course Severus would get
better answers than Harry did, and of course they weren't going to tell him anything. They
wanted him to trust them blindly on this, yet they didn't trust him. Harry was tired of being
left out on this, Draco was his friend. Harry was part of this war. How could Dumbledore
trust him with memories of Voldemort's past but not trust him on their plans for Draco?

He suddenly felt his arm burn. Looking down, he realized he started scratching himself. He
pulled his hand away from his skin, ashamed of what he was doing. Harry sighed in defeat,
sitting on the steps, waiting for Severus to come out.

The door suddenly opened, Harry stood up. He could see Severus was frustrated at whatever
they had talked about. He wanted to ask but knew there was no point.

"Come on," Severus said, walking past him at a fast pace down the circular stairs. Harry
followed behind him.
Once they were well away from Dumbledore's office, Harry finally dared to ask, "Did you
talk to Dumbledore about Draco?"

"Yes I did," Severus said shortly, offering no further information.

"Well, what did he say?"

"The headmaster knows your suspicions and is taking them into account of the investigation.
That's all I'm allowed to tell you. Don't worry about Draco. We are watching over him."

But not doing anything to keep him away from Voldemort….

Harry didn't voice those words out loud. He knew if he did, it would only result in them
arguing. Harry did not have the strength for another one. They've been on good terms for a
while now and he didn't want to break that streak. Plus, he promised to try to trust Severus,
he had to keep reminding himself that.

"Are we going back to your quarters?" Harry asked.

"No, Remus and I have something to show you."

"Oh?" Harry looked at him in surprise. He wasn't expecting that.

They made their way to the Defense corridor. Severus glanced at Harry walking beside him.
He had run into him in front of Albus' office looking lost in his thoughts. He didn't fail to
notice the boy quickly shoving his hands into his pockets. Severus knew Harry was stressed,
knew he was close to giving into his anxiety, in danger of being triggered to cut himself.
Whatever that had transpired between Harry and the headmaster tonight, had left the boy
filled with anxiety. Severus could see it in his eyes. The way he looked at Severus, quiet and
defensive. Severus had decided not to call him out, but to distract him, making this evening a
bit better by showing him the classroom for the D.A. Club.

They stopped at the portrait door of Remus' quarters.

"Stay out here, I'll get Lupin."

"I don't really care for surprises."

Severus rolled his eyes, "Remus wanted to surprise you."

Harry leaned against the wall, finally pulling his hands out of his pockets, crossing his arms
and not saying anything else.

"Blackbird," Severus muttered.

The portrait door opened. "Lupin?" Severus called out softly, just in case the werewolf was
sleeping. It was late, yet Remus made Severus promise to call him when Severus decided to
show Harry the classroom. No matter the time of day or night.
"Remus?" Severus called again. He found the werewolf curled up in an armchair in front of
the fireplace, looking warm and sleepy. A book in his hands, his eyes half closed.

"Severus?" Remus mumbled sleepily, stretching his arms, arching his back.

Severus couldn't help but stare. The messy golden hair, rumpled robes and a small smile on
his lips. He suddenly just wanted to join him. To sit besides him, pull him close and nuzzle
his neck, getting lost in his scent….

Realizing his thoughts were leading him astray from his purpose, Severus cleared his throat
and said, "I'm showing Harry the classroom, if you want to join us?"

At those words, Remus opened his eyes fully and sat up, suddenly looking at Severus with a
raised eyebrow. Severus realized he was still staring. Blushing slightly, he looked away.

"Harry and I are waiting out in the hall," he muttered bashfully and left to join his son.

Harry was still leaning against the wall, waiting, when Severus joined him. Remus followed
behind, looking more alert and excited.

"Hey, cub! Ready to see your surprise?" Remus grinned, eyes shining mischievously.

Severus couldn't help but look away, still feeling bashful and awkward from being caught
staring.

"Why can't you guys just tell me?" Harry asked, he was still in a mood.

Remus curiously gave Severus a glance, noticing it. Severus shook his head a bit and Remus
understood.

Severus didn't like that Harry had come out of Albus' lessons like this. Full of anxiety, moody
and triggered to cut. He promised to himself to keep an eye on Harry after each lesson. He
angrily tried asking the headmaster what they were about, but of course he received no
answers, causing Severus to argue with Albus. It was necessary to get his point across on
how he felt about the lessons, reminding Albus that Severus had the power to stop them if
they continued to upset Harry like that again.

"Then it wouldn't be a surprise!" Remus chuckled, throwing an arm around Harry, who
stiffened slightly, then melted against the werewolf, leaning into his touch.

Severus always had to make sure Harry knew Severus was going to place a hand on him to
prevent him from flinching away. He guessed only Remus could get away with such sudden
familiarity.

Severus took the lead ahead of them, letting them have their time together. The wolf's
presence seemed to calm Harry down. Severus noted that Harry's hands were no longer
trembling. He stopped at the classroom door, opening it to let them in first.

"You want to restart the D.A. Club," Severus said, as he watched Harry look around the room
in amazement. "It doesn't have to be in secret anymore, so we set up this classroom for you. I
talked to Professor Dumbledore and he made it an official school club. Lupin will be your
facilitator since it's part of his subject. You and Granger can go to him for any questions."

Harry continued looking around, not saying anything yet.

"Do you like it, cub?" Remus asked, smiling broadly at Harry's reaction. Severus kept his
gaze away, trying to ignore the butterflies in his stomach that were caused by that smile.

Harry turned around, finally facing them. "It's perfect!" he said. "I can't wait to show Ron and
Hermione!"

"It's just missing one more thing," Remus said, searching his pockets. He pulled out a folded
photograph and passed it to Harry.

Harry took it, his eyes staring hungrily at the picture. Severus looked over him to see that it
was a photo of the original Order. His gaze landed on a young Remus Lupin, not yet deeply
touched by the war. His hair had more color, his eyes were bright with happiness and hope.
And there was that beautiful smile as he stood besides Black whose arm was draped around
Remus' thin frame. Lily and James were beside them. Everyone in that photo seemed
hopeful, not knowing the fates that awaited them. And oh Severus wished things had turned
out differently...

A dark thought suddenly made itself known, shaking Severus slightly. He hid it well from
Remus and Harry, Severus was the master of hiding his emotions.

In an alternate reality, what if Lily and James Potter survived? It was the danger he caused
them to be in. It was their deaths, Lily's death, that had made Severus see the wrong of his
actions. And if they’d survived, then Severus would've never gone to Albus for forgiveness.
If they had survived, would he not have been given the chance to see the wrong of his actions
and repent? Was that the purpose of the Potter’s deaths? Set up by some cruel, sick joke from
the universe, that they died so Severus could change, so Harry could end up having a rotten
childhood, only so they could end up here, at this very moment. Father and son. Severus
shook his head of those thoughts, stepping forward, making himself look busy as he sorted
some leftover books onto the shelves as Remus and Harry talked.

"Remus? I thought this was lost."

Remus shook his head. "Just know that we're all proud of you, your generation is going to
achieve what we failed to do."

"You really think so?"

"I feel it in my bones."

Harry smiled, suddenly standing next to Severus as he pinned the photograph on the bulletin
board above the bookcases. Severus watched the determination in his son's face, the
resolution to win this war for the original Order. His fighting spirit that lay dormant for
months was finally back.
And no matter how much it scared Severus to think of a world where he never changed his
life, where he never sought Albus for help, for repentance, he would've given it all up for
Harry's parents to still be alive, to save him from the rotten childhood. To spare him the pain
and depression. He would do anything for Harry, even sacrifice his own happiness.

And for the first time, Severus understood the reasons behind Albus' request for Severus to
full-fill his promise. He never thought about how much it might hurt the old man to do this to
Harry and Severus, to make himself out as heartless. To allow Severus and Harry to bond,
then take it all away by making Severus do the unspeakable. Forcing him to make the
ultimate betrayal that would cut through Harry, shattering everything they'd worked for…

Albus knew what he was doing. He was doing it so Harry could have a fighting chance.
Severus and Albus were the sacrifices to ensure Harry's success. Albus had so much faith in
Harry, that he would remain strong after the fulfilled promise. That Harry would eventually
forgive Severus; if he had the luck to still be alive when it was all over. And maybe Severus
had to be strong like Albus. Accept the sacrifice, accept the fate it would lead them to,
because it was the only way to make sure the light chased away the darkness.
 Actions Speak Louder Than Words
Chapter Summary

Huge Trigger Warning: on Depression and Self-Harm

Chapter Ten - Actions Speak Louder Than Words

A long howl broke the silence of the dark forest. Remus, in his wolf form, ran as fast as he
could, trying to find a way out. The wolf spirit inside of him wanted to turn and fight the
unseen enemy. It growled and howled to be let out, but Remus did not give in. He didn't want
to be lost in the darkness. Another howl sounded through the trees. A howl that filled Remus
with hope, and he followed it, letting out his own mournful howls.

Remus Lupin, she whispered. You promised, you promised…

The whisper had seemed to come from among the darkness of the trees of no particular spot.
Remus ran faster than he ever did in his life. He kept going, ignoring the wolf's growls inside
him, ignoring her whispers and trying not to think of red eyes as he followed the howl that
soon led him to a light.

A small black wolf was waiting for him at the end of the path. Behind the wolf, Remus could
see a lit clearing. It was a place he knew that she could never follow. He'll be free from her
whispers, free from the guilt. It was the edge of the dark forest that he'd never knew existed. It
was a way out and he was almost there!

Suddenly, Remus awoke. He was laying naked, shivering on a hard wooden and splintered
floor. The pre-dawn light was seeping through boarded up windows. The full-moon of
November had set, his change was completed. He opened his eyes, his vision blurry, he
closed them again. He was alone in the Shrieking Shack. The memory of his dream began to
fade away. That wasn't the first time he dreamed of the black wolf. He knew it wasn't
Padfoot.

What could it mean? Is it supposed to be Severus?

He started seeing the black wolf in his dreams when the memory of Severus pulling him out
of his wolf-state-of-mind months ago had resurfaced in his memory.

Remus knew deep in his soul that it was Severus. But why would he be a wolf? His patronus
was known to be a doe. Did it mean he was becoming part of his pack? Those were questions
Remus didn't know the answer to, giving him a headache as he mulled them over and over in
his head, still laying on the floor. His muscles ached, especially the damaged muscles of his
leg injury from the last full-moon.
"Accio wand," Remus choked out. His wand flew straight to his hand. Remus closed his
fingers tight around it. His hand trembling, he summoned the tattered blanket from the bed to
cover himself, almost passing out from the exertion.

Not long after, the door opened, and entered the footsteps and scents of Madam Pomfrey and
Severus. When Remus was a boy, it was always Madam Pomfrey who collected him from the
shack. Now that Remus was a grown man and Poppy was not as young as she used to be, she
always required Severus' help to get Remus back to the castle. Remus refused to ever be on
an enchanted stretcher. He'll rather make the long and painful journey, limping back to the
castle with his dignity intact.

A warm comforting scent of herbs and a familiar scented-shampoo enveloped Remus,

causing his body to relax. He felt a hand on his face, soft and warm. He opened his eyes once
more with the memory of the black wolf still on his mind and the face of Severus came into
focus.

Was that really you?

"Remus," Severus whispered, his voice sounding relieved. His dark eyes were boring into
Remus, looking for any sign that he may be hurt. Despite of the strange dreams, Remus felt
quite fine. No open wounds this time, no broken bones, no blood, no new scars. Just sore
muscles and the pain from his old injury.

"Were you worried for me?" Remus croaked, his voice hoarse and scratchy from howling all
night.

"Me, worried for you?" Severus scoffed. His eyes dancing with amusement from their
sarcastic banter.

"Yeah, you're right. What was I thinking?" Remus smiled softly.

"Silly werewolf."

Remus turned his head slightly to see Poppy running diagnostic spells on him.

"Everything looks good, Remus," she said. "Can you stand?"

"Yeah…" Remus' breath hitched from the pain in his leg as he tried to move.

"What hurts?" Severus asked, the playful light in his eyes disappearing, replaced with
concern.

"My leg."

"I'm not surprised. That injury is going to keep coming back if you don't rest it. I'll help you
up. Just lean on me," Severus said as he offered an arm for Remus to pull himself up.

"Sure, just let me tell the wolf to go easy on my leg during the next change," Remus said
sarcastically, as he pulled himself to his feet, leaning on Severus with his bad leg off the
ground.
"You know what I mean," Severus said in exasperation, holding Remus up against him and
then sitting him down on the bed. He handed Remus his clothes from the night before.

Remus quickly dressed himself under the tattered blanket. Severus and Madam Pomfrey
tactfully looked away.

"It would be easier if we could just put you on a stretcher," Poppy frowned, once he was done
and Severus helped him up again.

"No," Remus simply stated. Anything but that!

The three made their way slowly to the castle. Madam Pomfrey insisted for Remus to rest in
the hospital wing, but he only wanted to be in his bed.

Once they were finally at his quarters, Remus changed into fresh pajamas and sunk into his
bed, burrowing himself under his covers. No bed ever felt more comfortable than this one
right here.

"Lay on your back, Remus," Madam Pomfrey said, entering the room. "I need to wrap up that
leg."

Remus sighed, he was moments from sleep but still did as he was told. She worked,
muttering spells to soothe the pain, relaxing the muscles and bringing down the swelling,
then wrapping it up for support. Remus kept his eyes closed, listening to the soft sounds of
Severus making some tea in the kitchen. The boiling of water in the kettle, the clinking sound
of the teacups, the swish of his robes, his heart beating against his chest. And he thought
about those dark eyes boring down at him, moments ago as he laid on that floor. The black
wolf howling in his dreams and the bright light coming from behind it.

Once Severus returned, Madam Pomfrey had Remus' wrapped up leg on a pillow. She placed
a couple of potions on his nightstand to make sure he took for strength once he awoke. Once
she was gone, Remus was already drifting off.

"Hey, don't fall asleep yet, wolf," Severus scolded softly. "I need you to drink this."

Remus opened his eyes. Severus was standing over him, a steaming mug of tea in his hands.

"What is it?" He forced himself to sit up carefully to not disturb his resting leg. The usual
scent of tea was laced with something.

"I spiked the tea with Pain Potion to help you sleep. I didn't want to trigger you as the last
time."

Remus smiled at the thought. "Thank you, Severus." He took the mug and drank a couple of
sips. The warm earthy drink was the best tea he'd ever tasted. He drank half of it before he
felt his eyes growing heavy. He put the mug down on the side table.

"Get some sleep," Severus said as he closed the curtains, blocking out the rising sun. "I'll be
back after lunch with some food for you..."
Filled with the warm soothing tea and wrapped up in his blankets, Remus drifted off to sleep
before Severus could finish his sentence.

It was late afternoon once Remus awoke again from a nightmare-plagued sleep that wasn't of
him as the wolf running, but of vivid memories of his captured time at the werewolf camp.
Those types of nightmares always left Remus drenched in sweat and finding himself in
immense pain.

Fear from the dream still lingered, making his heart thud against his chest. He drank the rest
of the tea that Severus had given him; that seemed like ages ago. Quickly feeling the effects,
he laid back down, staring at the ceiling.

Since his capture with Greyback, it wasn't the first time Remus had woken up from a
nightmare-ridden sleep like that. Always drenched in sweat, gasping in fear, that soon always
led to him feeling so exhausted, like he was falling into a pit of gloom, sucking out all of his
energy. The changes of the full-moon always seemed to trigger those episodes.

Suddenly, there was a soft knock on the bedroom door. "Remus?"

Remus turned over onto his side, facing towards the window, his back to the door. He didn't
want Severus to know he was awake. He didn't want to see anyone or do simple things that
right now seemed impossible; things like getting out of bed, talking, eating, pretending he
was okay.

"I wanted to check on you. I brought lunch. It's on your kitchen table."

Remus closed his eyes, not opening them, even long after the footsteps were gone, along with
a closing door. Remus kept them closed and fell back into the heavy darkness of sleep.

It was the late evening when Remus finally climbed out of bed. He got up slowly, stretching
out his sore and stiff muscles. He drank one of the strengthening potions Poppy had left him,
chasing it down with huge gulps of water. He felt terrible, sleeping most of the day made no
difference. He brushed his teeth and rinsed his face, avoiding his reflection in the mirror, then
limped heavily to the kitchen. A cup of hot tea and chocolate sounded nice.

Remus noticed the food on the table left by Severus. It was under a stasis spell, keeping it
warm and fresh for him. The smell of the food made his stomach queasy. Suddenly wanting
nothing, Remus picked up a stored bottle of fire whiskey in his cabinet and went to the living
room, sitting down on the window ledge.

And that's where he stayed, watching the sunset, then staying there long after. The fire
whiskey numbed the fear and pain, took away the heavy weight of darkness inside him,
quieting the wolf. And the moon shone brightly in the darkness of his quarters, casting
shadows.
Unlike the bright moonlight shining its light through the windows of the castle, the corridors
of the dungeons were dark and cold. The flames of the torches caused the shadows to dance,
barely lighting the way for Harry as he made his way to Severus' quarters.

Underneath his invisibility cloak, he held his arm close to his chest. It was wrapped with a t-
shirt, blood was streaming out of it and around his arm, dripping onto the floor. Harry hated
himself for being so weak, for giving into cutting for simply having a bad night. Despite him
scratching himself, it had been months since he'd actually cut himself up. His deep loathing
of himself washed over him as he thought of how Severus might react. What would he say
once he saw what Harry had done?

Today had started normally, like any other day. Breakfast with his friends, Ron and Hermione
arguing as they talked about the Slug Club and Professor Slughorn's Christmas party in
December. He wanted to invite Ginny, but she was most likely going with Dean. Lessons
were long and exhausting with Ron and Hermione barely speaking to each other. Harry was
looking forward to Quidditch practice. Flying seemed like a perfect distraction, yet, it was
ruined by Harry having to replace Katie Bell with Dean Thomas. As much as it annoyed
Harry, he had no other choice. It was only fair since Dean was the next best chaser after Katie
during the tryouts.

After an hour and a half of practice, the early November sky was growing darker. The cold
air stung their cheeks and noses, and tensions were high out on the field. Harry, feeling like
he was frozen on his broom, called an end to practice. He and Ron were the last ones to leave
the locker room as they were discussing Harry's plans on the D.A. Club restarting and how to
get in touch with old members. A small part of Harry wanted to keep it from Dean Thomas.
Last thing he needed was Dean impressing Ginny with spells that Harry taught him.

As soon as Harry and Ron stepped into the castle, they had caught Ginny and Dean snogging
at the foot of the staircase. Consumed with anger and hurt, fighting with himself to not attack
Dean, Harry only watched as Ron and Ginny fought before she stormed off. And Harry
couldn't follow her, because Ron was his best friend, he was scared that Ron might not
understand. As much as Harry liked Ginny, he didn't want to lose Ron.

After that, Ron was in a rotten mood for the rest of the night, taking it out on Hermione who
couldn't take it anymore and stormed up to her dormitory. That annoyed Harry immensely
because she and Harry were planning the first lessons of the D.A. Club and making a list of
who to contact. Harry stormed up to his room not long after, fed up by Ron's foul mood.

And he didn't plan to do it. Yes, he was shaken by seeing Dean and Ginny kiss and the
terrible argument between her and Ron. As he stood there in shock, he wanted to attack Dean,
and he hated that part inside of him. But still, it wasn't an excuse to break an almost four-
month streak he worked so hard on. The last time he'd cut had been before his birthday.

As Harry brushed his teeth, he stared at himself in the mirror, wondering what Dean had that
Harry didn't? The dark thoughts he had during the day resurfaced, and he hated himself for
thinking them. The jealousy, the annoyance of Dean for just simply being there, not wanting
him on the Quidditch team or part of the D.A. Club. Wanting to hex Dean every time he so
much as looked at Ginny. Harry squashed those thoughts down. Dean wasn't doing anything
wrong. Ginny chose him.
What was so special about Dean Thomas? Harry wondered again, putting his toothbrush
away and turning off the faucet. His reflection showed him his messy hair, bright-green eyes
looking tired behind round glasses.

Why didn't she choose me? We had several moments, didn't we?

Harry was the chosen one, according to the Daily Prophet. He was Quidditch captain and
leader of the D.A. Club. He was the Boy-Who-Lived. He was her brother's best friend for
Merlin's sake, who visited the Burrow every summer. What did Dean Thomas have compared
to all that?

He isn't a freak! A voice at the back of his mind sneered. Who would want you with those
scars on your arms? Who would want someone with problems like that? You're not strong like
Dean. You couldn't even handle punishments that you deserved from your aunt and uncle.

His body shaking hard, Harry looked down at his arm, at the scars. Some of them were small,
thin and white. Some of them were raised, darker and longer. Harry always made sure they
were hidden under long-sleeved shirts. Never once had he revealed them to Ron or
Hermione, despite them knowing. If he couldn't show them, then how on earth could he ever
show Ginny, let alone tell her? He was ashamed of the evidence of his terrible tactic to cope
with his emotions, his depression, his grief for Sirius and the pain of his childhood. Ginny
wouldn't want this. Harry was sure she'd freak out if she saw the scars. Maybe she was better
off with Dean Thomas, who was normal, with no scars on his arm.

This wasn't planned. It just happened. Looking at the scars, feeling rejected and more of a
freak than ever before, Harry suddenly wanted to cut. He needed to. He had to feel the pain
inside and control it. He had to control it, he had to… His body was shaking hard, and the
familiar sense of auto-pilot that he hadn't felt in months, took over.

He looked around the bathroom for something sharp. He couldn't find anything. He quickly
went to Ron's trunk, pulling out his Potions kit and took out the small compact cutting-knife
for potion ingredients. He wiped the blade clean with the sleeve of his pajamas. Harry's own
knife had long ago been taken by Severus.

Harry climbed onto his bed, closing the curtains around it so anyone coming in would think
he was asleep. Breathing heavily, he gently pressed the blade to his skin, making a small thin
cut. Blood began to well up, followed by a burning pain, but it didn't hurt enough to match
the pain he felt inside. It didn't soothe his feelings of jealousy, rejection, self-loathing; the
freak he felt like he was.

He made another cut, followed by another, and another; each bigger and deeper than the one
before. He was staring at four straight lines of his marred skin, blood streaming out and
flowing onto his bed.

When the door suddenly opened, it snapped Harry back into reality. He dropped the knife
onto his blankets and covered his mouth with his hand, staring at his bloody arm as tears
began to fall, warm and heavy down his cheeks.

What have I done?

Harry stayed as still as possible. Listening to whoever it was that came in as they grabbed
things out of their trunk, then heading into the bathroom. The shower went on.

Harry didn't waste another second. He grabbed an old t-shirt that was once Dudley's and
wrapped it around his bleeding arm. He muttered a spell to clean Ron's knife, putting it back
where it belonged. He then cleaned the blood off his sheets, and wrote a note to Ron that he
was with Severus. Knowing his friend might come looking for him, worried he might be
doing what Harry had already done. He then threw the invisibility cloak over himself so no
one would see him leave Gryffindor tower.

Harry knew Severus was going to be mad, but he still wanted him. He wanted the soothing,
comforting words of his dad. He wanted to feel like he had a place to belong, to be accepted
after what he'd done. He needed his dad.

Finally reaching his destination, he whispered, "Draught of Living Death." The portrait door
opened, and he was immediately hit by the warm and comfortable feeling of home.

"Severus?" Harry called, letting the cloak fall onto the floor. The living area and kitchen were
empty. The lanterns were all lit on a low setting.

"Dad!" Harry called louder. The panic and hurt he was feeling was prominent in his voice.
Harry started shaking once more as he heard footsteps from Severus' room.

"Harry!" Severus ran to him, grabbing him by the shoulders. His eyes landed on the shirt
wrapped around his bloody arm. "What happened?!"

He gently tore the shirt off his arm, examining the deep cuts Harry had done to himself.

"Dad, I'm sorry," Harry choked, his vision blurry with tears. He's disappointed in me!

Severus didn't answer. He moved in an urgent speed as he rewrapped the shirt tighter on his
arm, applying pressure, before leading Harry to his room and into the connecting bathroom.

He sat Harry on the toilet.

"Here," he said, grabbing Harry's hand and placing it on his wrapped arm. "Hold this tight,
we need to stop the bleeding."

Harry did as he was told, shock taking over, as he watched his dad pull out an emergency kit
from the bathroom cabinet.

Severus knelt down, grabbing Harry's arm and removed the bloodied shirt. More blood
welled from the deepest of cuts. Severus pressed a wad of gauze on it, applying pressure for
several moments and then checking it, repeating the process over and over.

The whole time Harry's body was shaking tremendously as he cried, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

Once the bleeding finally stopped, Severus began to clean the wounds before closing them up
with magic until not even a scar was left behind, leaving no trace of his relapse.
"You're okay, son," Severus kept saying as he worked. "You're going to be okay. Look, the
scars are even gone. It's going to be fine."

Harry couldn't say anything, only cried harder. He was so ashamed and embarrassed.

"Harry…"

Severus leaned forward holding Harry steady by his shoulders and rested his forehead onto
his own.

"Close your eyes," his dad muttered. "Come on, do as I say." He picked up Harry's hand and
placed it onto his chest so that Harry could feel his beating heart. "Take deep breaths with
me."

Harry closed his eyes. They took deep breaths together until he began to feel better, breathing
normally.

Harry couldn't believe what he'd done. What was wrong with him? Why did he have to give
in to this terrible habit? Why couldn't he be strong? It had been months since the last time
he'd cut, and he threw it all away. Just because he was feeling bad over Dean and Ginny. It
was pathetic!

"Dad, I'm so sorry," he choked out.

"Shh. It's okay, you're okay, son. Don't be sorry. I've got you here with me. Come on, let's get
you into bed."

They both stood up. Harry climbed into bed as Severus cleaned up the bathroom. Severus
then came in and covered Harry with his Gryffindor-colored comforter, making sure he was
comfortable.

"Dad?" Harry hated how his voice sounded, strained from all the crying. "Don't leave. I'm
scared I might do it again."

Severus' gaze softened as he looked at Harry. And Harry could imagine how pathetic he
sounded, how childish he looked, asking for his dad to lay with him.

"I'll stay with you until you fall asleep," Severus said. He took off his outer robes, hanging
them over Harry's desk chair, kicked off his shoes, and in his black trousers and white, long-
sleeved shirt, climbed into Harry's bed.

"Budge up, kid," Severus muttered. "Make some room."

Harry scooted over. Once they were settled, Harry laid on his back, staring up at the ceiling.

"Dad, it's been over three months. I almost made it to four months without cutting myself.
That was my longest streak. I'm such a mental nutcase. Why can't I stop?"

Severus was laying on his side, staring at Harry, silently considering his words.
"Don't talk about yourself like that, Harry. You're not mental. This is something we just need
to work hard on. Recovery is never easy. It takes time."

"It's hard. I feel like I'm failing, no matter how hard I try or how long I go without doing it."

"I know…but you have me…you have Remus and your friends. You have a support system.
We will not let you fall, Harry. We are here for you, even on your bad days. You're not alone,
not anymore."

"You're right, I feel so stupid."

"Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm just glad you came to me right after you realized what
you've done. I think that's progress from the Harry I knew before the summer. Back then,
would you've tried to hide it instead?"

"Yeah, you're right… I would've definitely hid it."

Fresh tears started coming down his cheeks. Harry sighed. He thought he was done with the
waterworks.

"You're not mad are you? Are you going to take my wand away?"

"No, I'm not. I'll explain why once we talk about what happened."

"Do I have to tell you now?"

More tears were coming down, his throat closing up. Harry wiped them away angrily. He
took his glasses off and placed them on his bedside table. Everything around him, including
Severus, was a blurry mess, but Harry didn't mind.

"Hey, kid, it's okay. We can talk about this another time, when you're ready. Just try and get
some sleep. I'm right here if you need anything."

Severus pulled Harry close against his chest. And he cried until he fell asleep, surrounded by
the warmth and the scents that were only his dad.

Severus waited long until Harry stopped crying and his breathing deepened into soft snores,
before carefully prying himself away and out of the bed. He made sure Harry was
comfortable, pulling the blanket over him. Then affectionately running a hand through the
boy's messy black hair, brushing away his fringe out of his face. Severus sighed, staring
down at his sleeping son before grabbing his shoes and his robes. He left the door open just a
crack, just in case Harry should wake and might need him.

Tossing his things into his own room, Severus then went to the fireplace, "Remus Lupin," he
stated as quietly as possible, throwing floo powder into the flames. Despite of it being late
and Remus might being asleep, he needed him here. Harry needed him here.

Severus knelt down on his hands and knees on the cobbled-stone floor and stuck his head in
the fireplace. Right away he spotted Remus sitting on the ledge of his window, with a bottle
of fire whiskey in his hands.

His eyes widened at the sight of Severus.

"Severus?"

"I apologize for bothering you so late. It's about Harry, can you come through to my
quarters?"

Remus nodded, getting up and grabbing floo powder as Severus pulled himself out of the
fireplace, stepping back to make room for him.

The flames grew green and out-stepped the werewolf covered in soot. Severus was glad he
left the bottle of fire whiskey behind. He needed Remus sober tonight. He could have brought
his cane at least, wondering how Remus' old injury was faring after a day of rest.

"Severus? What happened?" Remus said, after muttering a spell to get rid of all the soot.

Severus put a finger to his lips and indicated Harry's open bedroom door. "He's asleep, come,
we'll talk in the kitchen."

Moments later, Severus and Remus were both sitting at the table, steaming mugs of tea in
front of them as Severus explained everything that happened.

"How is he doing?" Remus asked, face pale with shock, flecks of amber were becoming
prominent in his hazel-green eyes.

"He's sleeping now. I just wanted you here to be here when he awakens, or hopefully decides
to talk about it. That way he sees how much parental support he has."

"Parental support? Severus? Why, I'm touched for you to think of me as another parental
figure to Harry."

"Yeah, well," Severus shrugged, sipping his tea. "You calm him down, Remus. He's somehow
grown closer to you within the last month. He's starting to trust you, and I want to encourage
that. He's going to need you more than ever someday…" He stopped, realizing he spoke too
much. What was it with this werewolf and making Severus feel comfortable enough to spill
all of his secrets to him?

"What do you mean by that?"

Severus shook his head. "I can't… Albus."

Remus sighed, knowing that he truly couldn't reveal anything. Severus knew he understood
Dumbledore and his plans for the war, the secrets, the missions.

They drank their tea in silence for a few moments.

Then Remus said, "Sometimes I can see it in your eyes or the way you drift off from others in
the room, silent, brooding, and I know you're thinking about it… I know you're hiding
something, and I know you cannot tell me. I trust that it's for the best, everyday the war
looms over us closer and closer. Whatever happens, Harry has me, even if you can't be
around anymore."

Unable to speak, Severus only nodded. He didn't want to think about his terrible promise, the
terrible fate that awaited him and Albus, sending Harry on his path to fight the Dark Lord. He
hated it within every inch of his soul, and wished so dearly he could just take Harry and go
into hiding. But that could never be an option, Harry's fate was too wrapped up with the Dark
Lord.

The only thing that kept Severus sane in that very moment was the reassurance of Remus'
words. No matter what happens, Severus knew Harry would be okay with him. He wasn't
going to leave Harry alone, he'll have Remus to pull him through Severus' fake betrayal.

And he remembered the state Harry was in only hours before. The tears, the shock, the blood
and the repeated apologies. Severus wondered what triggered him. Was it the lessons from
Albus? Was it a dream he had? Or did he have a flashback of the abuse he'd suffered as a
child.

It could've been anything, Severus realized, he was just going to have to wait until Harry was
ready to talk.

Severus sighed, worry over his son consumed him. He hid his face underneath his hands. He
suddenly didn't care that Remus was there to witness him break like this. Only he could
understand when it came to Harry, the worry and pain this ordeal had brought to Severus.

"Severus, this isn't your fault," Remus said softly. "You're doing all that you can to help him.
The important thing is that he went to you right after. You know that must've been hard for
him. It shows that he trusts you." Remus leaned over and gently pried one of his hands away
from his face, his golden-flecked hazel eyes meeting Severus' own dark eyes. "Actions speak
louder than words."

Remus was right of course. Harry's actions tonight spoke volumes of the trust he had for
Severus. If this would've happened during the summer, when Harry was first brought into
Severus' care, there was no way Harry would've gone to him after cutting himself. Severus
remembered the times he found the boy sitting on the couch, early in the morning, after a
long night of restless sleep and nightmares, never once coming to Severus.

Actions speak louder than words… Remus' words rang true in Severus' head as he recalled
Harry immediately going to him with fresh deep cuts on his arm. He'd never said a word of
protest as Severus patched him up. He thought of the way the boy clung onto him for
comfort, apologizing over and over for what he'd done. Severus realized Harry must've been
scared that he would be upset, but Harry still went to him. Severus was deeply touched.
Remus was right, Harry's actions spoke trust. And his actions showed how strong Harry was,
to do what seemed hardest at a moment of crisis, to admit that he needed help.

"You're right, Remus, actions do speak louder than words," Severus said softly, mulling his
thoughts over in his head.
"Why don't you get some sleep?" Remus suggested. "I'll just kip out on the sofa tonight, that
way I'm close by in case Harry wakes and needs one of us."

Severus sighed, "Are you sure? You should be the one resting. You had your change last
night. How are you doing by the way? I came to check on you after lunch. You didn't answer,
I assumed you were still asleep."

Remus briefly looked away before saying, "I'm fine, I've slept most of the day. Go rest,
Severus. I'll call you if anything."

Remus was insistent that he was okay, yet, Severus could see the circles under his eyes. And
he remembered the bottle he found Remus drinking earlier, he wasn't okay.

But tonight, he'll let him be.

Severus nodded, getting up and placing his mug in the sink.

"Goodnight, Remus."

"Goodnight," Remus said softly at him before Severus left the kitchen.

He checked on his sleeping son, who was curled up in a ball inside a cocoon of his comforter.
He wished to the heavens that Harry could just catch a break. He just wanted him to be
happy. Seeing him in tears, so broken and ashamed was hard. Severus had almost cried
himself after he healed Harry's arm, guiding him to breathe, to calm him. But he forced
himself to remain calm, he had to for his son.

Severus then placed some extra blankets and pillows on the sofa for Remus and went into his
own bedroom. He took a long hot shower, feeling the warm water wash away the stress and
soothe his tensed muscles. Dressed in his pajamas, he slipped into bed, still trying to get his
son's whispered apologies out of his mind as he fell into a restless sleep.

Even though Remus promised Severus, he'll sleep on the sofa, he wasn't ready to turn in just
yet. He wasn't tired. He didn't want to fall back into nightmares. His tolerance for alcohol was
higher than the normal range for wizards, most likely due to him being a werewolf. Remus
had barely drunk himself into a good buzz when Severus had contacted him. The tea he was
given, paired with sudden fear and concern for Harry and Severus' melancholy mood, had
sobered him up.

He quietly stood up and made his way to Harry's bedroom with a slight limp, sitting down on
the desk chair.

I'll watch over him before turning in. Just for a little while… Remus thought.

He hadn't meant to fall into a dreamless sleep on the chair. And it was how Harry found him
the next morning. Remus woke up to see Harry laying on his side, green eyes meeting his
own.
"Good morning, cub," Remus yawned, stretching out the kinks in his muscles from sleeping
uncomfortably for so long. His leg was aching from the position and he stretched it out
carefully.

"Severus told you?" Harry asked.

Remus nodded. "Don't be upset with him. He was worried for you."

"I'm not. I'm glad you're here."

Remus smiled, "Breakfast?"

They crept silently out of Harry's room, the living area and kitchen were empty. Harry
silently opened Severus' door a crack, peeking in and then shutting the door softly.

"He's still asleep."

Suddenly Remus had an idea. "Do you want to surprise him with pancakes?"

Harry smiled, "Yes!" he whispered. "And coffee, he's gonna want a lot of coffee. He has sixth
year Potions today."

"In that case, we should get started," Remus grimaced in sympathy.

As they made the pancakes together, Harry working on the mix and Remus flipping them on
the pan, they talked a bit about the D.A. Club and Harry's and Hermione's plans for it. Remus
gave him advice on what spells to teach, and jinks and hexes that certain students needed
help on.

It was an easy conversation. Remus could tell Harry was carefully avoiding the topic of what
happened last night. Remus decided to be patient, to wait till Harry wanted to talk about it.
Yet he wanted Harry to know that he was also there, willing to listen. He wasn't going to just
let this go without any acknowledgment.

"You know, cub, whenever you're ready to talk about last night, just know I'm here to listen.
I'm not pressuring you to start right now, just to let you know that I'm here. And you can talk
about it when you want to."

"Thanks, Remus," Harry said gratefully, as he started on the coffee.

"What's going on here?" Severus suddenly asked, his voice sleepy and sounding immensely
grumpy. He was already dressed for a day of teaching in his usual black robes. Harry and
Remus were still cladded in their pajamas. Harry's hair was as messy as ever.

Remus laughed. Of course Severus Snape wasn't a morning person. He suddenly found that
very funny.

"We made pancakes!" Harry announced.

"I see that. What's so funny, Lupin?" Severus shot him a glare.
Remus cleared his throat. "Um, nothing." He winked at Harry who gave him a small smile in
return.

"You shouldn't be standing so long on that leg of your's," Severus pointed out.

Harry suddenly handed Severus a huge cup of steaming black coffee, guiding him to take a
seat. And instantly Severus' mood changed after he took his first sip.

"What?" he asked, at Harry and Remus who exchanged bemused glances.

Harry was smirking at him. Remus began to clean up and serve the pancakes onto three
plates.

"Severus, I think you have an addiction to coffee!" Remus laughed. "Seems like Harry is the
only one that's noticed it."

Severus only rolled his eyes at their antics.

"Thanks, wolf," he muttered as Remus placed a plate in front of him.

Remus and Harry took their seats.

"This is a nice surprise. I appreciate the pancakes, and this is very good coffee, thank you,
son."

Harry blushed, "I used to make coffee all the time for my aunt and uncle."

Severus raised an eyebrow at Harry's words, caught off guard by the new information. Remus
meanwhile had realized how hungry he was. The last time he ate was well before the full-
moon. He began to uncharacteristically scarf down his pancakes. He was famished. After
Remus cleaned off his plate, he looked up to see father and son staring at him with wide eyes.

"Sorry, I was starving."

"Bloody hell, Remus, you can give Ron a run for his money!" Harry smirked.

"Sorry, it's the full-moon."

"You didn't eat the food I left you?" Severus asked, eyes glowering.

"You know, Harry, I think I'll try your famous coffee!"

Remus stood up, rinsed his plate and poured himself a cup of coffee in a Slytherin-styled
mug. Severus only scowled at Remus' antics, but didn't say anything.

"I think I should go and get ready, I have early lessons today," Remus said, before Severus
started asking him more questions. As he prepared to head out, Severus called out to him…

"Wait, Remus," Severus said. He looked down at Harry. "Do you want to come here for
dinner after lessons? It's Friday."
Harry nodded, playing with the food on his plate and taking small bites.

"Remus, join us tonight?" Severus asked.

"Of course," Remus agreed, then he flooed back to his office with a hand covering his coffee
from any soot getting into it.

"He took your Slytherin mug, sir."

"I've noticed," Severus sighed.

Annoyed as he was at Remus' antics, he enjoyed the wolf's playfulness. It was like parts of
the old Remus were still there, like tiny pinpricks of light showing through the dark bleakness
of his depression.

"Is he going to be okay?" Harry asked.

Severus looked down at his son, he hadn't realized Harry might've noticed the change in the
wolf. Remus was almost as good as Severus when it came to hiding emotions behind a strong
mental mask.

"He'll get there," Severus said.

Harry didn't say anything else, only continued to push his pancakes around with his fork.

"Harry, eat your food."

"I'm not very hungry."

"Just half then, you'll need your energy. You still have lessons today."

"Okay."

"You know you do better when distracted."

"I know…"

"We'll talk about it tonight, okay?"

Harry only nodded as he slowly began to eat his breakfast, and Severus was glad even for
that small win. Harry always had trouble eating when he was stressed out or when the self-
harm got really bad. He could see the signs that Harry was falling back into depression. He
was regressing back to the behavior he had when he first arrived during the summer, closed
off, unable to eat, always on defensive mode. And Severus wanted to pull him out of it before
he fell too far down again. Maybe getting Harry out of this castle may help. Ever since term
started, their relationship had grown faulty. Maybe it would be best if they had some sort of
weekend family getaway to fix the cracks between them.
Once breakfast was done, Severus, deep in thought for plans this weekend, decided to talk to
Remus during lunch for ideas as he made his way to his sixth year Potions lessons with Harry
trailing far behind him in a deep sulk. The students were all lined up against the walls. One
side Slytherin and the other Gryffindor. He suddenly caught the eyes of Draco Malfoy who
then glanced at Harry; who joined his friends. They immediately started whispering amongst
each other as Severus unlocked the classroom door, inviting the students to go in and take
their seats.

They were working on Felix Felices today, a very complex potion to brew. It was known for
its golden color, granting luck for one full day from just one small sip. Severus, feeling
uncharacteristically nice today, told his class that whoever brewed a perfect potion, could
keep a small phial of their work. However, the potion was so complex, he doubted any of
them would be able to. It was nice to see the dunderheads actually working hard and paying
attention to instructions for once. Severus made his way around the class several times,
making sure to favor his Slytherins. He rolled his eyes at Draco's mess. It was unlike him to
do horribly at Potions, and knew this was due to the task he was having trouble
accomplishing. He couldn't help but notice the small glances the blonde Slytherin kept
shooting at Harry.

At the end of the lesson, Harry was the only one able to create a perfect brew. Severus really
had no words, again he couldn't figure out why Harry was a sudden Potions genius. He was
up to something, bloody kid, there was no way he could be suddenly that good in a short
amount of time and especially after the night he had. And it looked like Granger was just as
frustrated as Severus was about it. She kept trying to figure out where she went wrong, her
hair getting bigger and bigger each moment. Severus had to hold back a sharp comment for
her to calm down. He made no move to help her, he privately thought this failure was good
for her.

With the lesson over and all the potion phials were placed on Severus' desk; minus Harry's,
Severus began to work on the grades when he suddenly sensed a presence in the room. He
looked up to see Draco standing by the door.

"Mr. Malfoy?" Severus said in surprise. "Do you need something?"

Severus was indeed curious about this. He'd been meaning to talk to Draco about the
necklace, but was waiting for the perfect moment. Maybe now was as good a time as any.

Draco was standing by the door, his robes hanging on his bag, shirt sleeves rolled up and tie
almost undone. His hair was messy and mused up, looking a bit like Harry's black fringe.
Dark-purple circles were like bruised shadows underneath his eyes. He wasn't doing well,
Severus could see that, and he wished he could do something to help, but Draco wanted
nothing to do with him. He avoided Severus as if he had Dragon Pox. He was always the first
one out of the classroom as soon as lessons were over. During detentions, if he bothered to
show up, he did his work, barely speaking and not answering any questions Severus would
ask him.

Severus didn't know it was possible to find someone more stubborn than Harry, but he did.
Harry may have had a brick wall protecting his emotions, but Draco's wall was made of steel.
Never breaking, hiding behind it where Severus couldn't reach him. And this was why
Severus was so caught off guard to see Draco standing there.

"I just want to know if Harry's okay," Draco asked, his voice hesitant, no longer as confident
as he once was.

"Why? You're not going to break his nose again, are you?" Severus eyed him with suspicion.
He didn't know what to make of this sudden change, his sudden concern for Harry after
attacking him twice this term.

"No, professor…" Draco shook his head, he seemed to have trouble with saying what was on
his mind. "I overhead his friends worrying over his absence…then I saw him trailing behind
you this morning when you arrived. He looked well…downhearted… I was just wondering…
did he cut himself?"

"Draco…"

"This doesn't change anything." Draco averted his eyes away from him, his steel-blue gaze
landing somewhere over Severus' shoulder. "I just want to know if he's okay."

"Why don't you ask him yourself? You know he's been worried about you too. And you
pushing Harry away, acting like a bullying little prick isn't helping."

"I know, but you know Harry, it's the only way… I care about him too much to continue as
friends and then…" Draco stopped, still searching for the words going on in his head that
Severus wished he could just use Legilimency to find them, but he knew it would be an insult
to intrude like that. "It's better we break off this friendship now, before it grows stronger. It's
the only way I could go on with this task."

"I understand…you have to do what you have to do, no matter the consequences, the people
you push away… I get it, Draco. That is why I'm trying to help you… If you would just let
me…"

Draco scoffed. "I don't need your help!"

"You don't have to do the task, we'll figure something out!"

Draco turned at Severus' words, ready to leave, and Severus could only think of one thing to
say to make him stay.

"You're right about Harry, he cut up his arm last night."

Draco stopped at those words, hand on the door knob, turning around slowly. "I do still care
for him," he said, eyes finally meeting Severus' own, and he could see the pain caused by him
pushing Harry away.

"I know you do."

"But he can't know."

"I won't tell him. He's not doing great right now, but he'll be okay. He's strong. And you don't
have to push him away, there's still time…"

Draco shook his head. "No…"

"Fine, I won't say anymore. One more thing before you go, Draco, I know you don't want my
help, but just take this piece of advice. The necklace… You need to be careful. Harry is on to
you. Don't try anything else as stupid as that. I know you're not a fool…"

Draco didn't even let Severus finish. He scowled at his words, slamming the door open before
stepping out into the hallway, the door slamming shut behind him.

Later that day, Severus found Remus in the staff room, lounging on the armchair with his leg
propped up on the matching ottoman and going over his lesson plans.

Severus sat at the armchair nearest to him with a sigh.

"Long morning?" Remus asked.

Severus nodded.

"Where's the bloody cane, Lupin."

"Don't need it," Remus shrugged.

"What's with you and this feud against it?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Merlin, well at least you had the good sense to prop it up."

Remus chuckled, "Oh, I have good sense? I'll always remember this rare compliment from
you."

"Merlin…" Severus closed his eyes and there was a comfortable silence between them as
Severus rested, lost in his thoughts on what he was going to do with Harry as Remus
continued to work.

"Remus, I have an idea…" Severus suddenly said.

And he told Remus all about his plans on taking Harry away this weekend. How he needed a
place somewhere remote, safe, easy to put up safety wards.

Remus happily suggested his parents' cabin, hidden deep in the woods. It was the last place
they had moved to when Remus was about eleven. They were able to hide his full-moon
changes there, with no neighbors around to hear the howls. And so Remus' lesson plans were
forgotten as they began to plan a weekend trip to the cabin, preparing to leave that evening.

Lessons were finally over, to Harry's relief. He was tired of sitting through lessons he could
barely concentrate on, his mind kept replaying the events of last night like an old muggle
movie reel. He kept seeing the blood, the blade, Severus' eyes, and the pain... He could
remember the pain and how it felt. And Harry would close his eyes tight, trying to get
himself to stop seeing those images. He didn't eat at all today, food made him queasy. And
Harry was tired of the concerned looks Ron and Hermione kept shooting towards him all
morning. He'd barely said a word over his disappearance last night, once they were reunited
in Potions that morning.

After lunch during D.A.D.A, Remus called Ron and Hermione to his office. Harry wondered
briefly what that was about, but didn't care much because it gave him a break from their
unspoken concern, the questions he knew were on the tips of their tongues, but didn't ask.
They were walking on eggshells around him.

They came back to their seats, their eyes glancing at one another, silently communicating to
each other. Harry scowled at them, snapping at them whenever they spoke to him. Why
couldn't they just leave him alone? He was just so tired. All Harry wanted was to be alone in
his room, in Severus' quarters. He wanted to be in his bed and just sleep the days away until
he felt normal again. He felt hollow today, everything seemed meaningless, and he hated
himself. Harry couldn't stand being in his own skin for what he'd done to himself last night.

I'm so stupid. Harry kept saying it over and over throughout the day. I'm so weak and pathetic
for giving into cutting. I was doing so good, what happened? Severus probably wants nothing
to do with me. I'm such a freak!

After the last lesson of the day which was Transfiguration, Harry gathered up his things,
walking behind his friends.

"Guys, I'm going down to the dungeons. Severus wants me to join him and Remus for
dinner."

"Okay, Harry, we'll walk you there," Hermione nodded.

"No, I can go on my own," Harry scowled in annoyance.

"Harry, don't be silly!" Hermione snapped back.

Harry rolled his eyes and continued on ahead. If they wanted to follow him and watch over
him like a baby, then fine! His mood was becoming darker by the minute. He just wanted this
day to be over.

No one spoke until they reached the portrait door.

Hermione suddenly hugged Harry. "I know you won't tell us what happened last night, but
Harry, we love you. Just know we're here for you, okay? Have a fantastic weekend!"
Harry only nodded, not understanding what she meant by that. At Hermione's words of
affection, he realized how mean he'd acted all day. He hugged her tight, burying his face into
her soft hair that smelled like her apple-scented shampoo. He didn't deserve good friends like
her and Ron, especially how they were only trying to help. Ron patted Harry on the shoulder,
his blue gaze intense with concern.

"She's right, mate," Ron said. "Don't push us away. Whatever happened, we'll help you get
through it. And don't forget to bring me back a souvenir!"

"Ron!" Hermione scolded.

Ron only grinned. "Doesn't hurt to ask, Hermione. He'll bring you one too, won't you,
Harry?"

"What are you guys on about?" Harry asked, his gaze traveling back and forth between them.

"Don't listen to Ron, he's just being stupid. You'll see Harry," Hermione smiled, her
chocolate-brown eyes suddenly bright with tears.

Guilt made his stomach clench as Harry realized again how horrible he was today, yet they
were still there by his side. Harry couldn't have asked for better mates, he didn't deserve
them. He was rotten, Aunt Petunia was right….

"Thanks, guys. I'm sorry for being a git all day. I promise I'll try to be better… I'm just… I…"
Harry didn't know what to say, how to explain what he was feeling inside…his words were
lost.

"It's okay, Harry, you don't have to explain. We understand," Hermione said, and Ron nodded
his agreement.

They all hugged once more. And wondering what their cryptic words were about, Harry left
them behind as he stepped through the portrait door.

He was greeted by Severus and Remus who were in the living room. Severus standing by the
fireplace, and Remus sitting down in one of the armchairs with his cane in his hand. Next to
them were packed bags, along with Harry's rucksack.

"Um, what's going on?" he asked.

Remus stood up strapping his guitar over his back and began shrinking the bags and placing
them into his pocket. Severus came over to him, kneeling down to eye level.

"Harry, do you trust us?" was all he asked.

Harry stared into the obsidian-black eyes of his father. Then glanced at Remus who nodded,
his own hazel-green eyes full of warmth and encouragement.

And he knew the answer deep inside.

After everything that happened, Harry finally began to feel that spark in him. The blooming
feelings of trust. And he wanted to grasp them, to hold on to them, because that was what he
wanted the most.

"I think so…" Harry said.

Remus suddenly brought out an old muggle knitting magazine.

"Courtesy of Dumbledore," he said. "Go on, Harry, it activates in less than five seconds."

Harry stared into his eyes and he knew whatever they were up to, he would find out in five
seconds. Curiosity got the better of Harry, so he did what he was told, placing his finger onto
the magazine with Severus mirroring his actions and they were suddenly all pulled away into
swirls of dizzying color.
 The Cellar Door
Chapter Summary

I've decided to surprise you all!

A/N: Trigger warnings on conversations on depression, self-harm and suicide.

Next update will of course be next weekend still! =)

Chapter Eleven - The Cellar Door

They were lost in a swirl of color until Severus landed gracefully beside Remus in front of a
wooden cabin surrounded by woods.

"Ow! I hate traveling by portkey!" Harry shouted, losing his balance and falling hard on his
butt.

As Remus helped Harry up, Severus turned around to admire the lake in front of the cabin. It
was completely frozen over and the forest around them was covered in white fluffy snow.

"It's okay, Harry, it took me a while to get the hang of traveling by portkey, come now, up you
get."

Severus turned back around to see Harry accepting Remus' arm, pulling himself up, his green
eyes on the cabin.

"Where are we?" Harry asked as he dusted the snow off his school robes. Severus and Remus
had spared no time in explaining their plans before their departure.

Severus could hear the wistfulness in his voice as Remus answered, "This is my parent's
cabin. We moved here when I was eleven."

"I didn't know you had a place to go… I thought…" Harry stopped, his cheeks blushing with
embarrassment.

"I was homeless?" Remus finished, tearing his gaze away from the cabin to shoot an amused
glance at Harry. "I don't blame you for thinking that. I've avoided this place for so long, no
one knows its existence besides Dumbledore, making this place as safe as Hogwarts and the
Burrow."

A harsh and cold wind suddenly blew over them, ruffling their hair and robes.

"Come on, let's get inside," Severus suggested, leading the way up the large wooden deck.
On the right side of the deck, in front of a large closed up window, was a swinging bench and
side table. Severus could imagine a young Remus doing his homework on that bench during
the summer holidays, in front of the peaceful lake or perhaps just reading a book, and he
wondered how it was like to grow up here in the middle of the woods.

The cabin was dusty and cold when they entered, it was obvious no one had stepped inside it
for at least a decade or two. Severus could see the potential of it once being a warm and
loving home. He wondered why Remus avoided this place, especially the times when he had
nowhere else to go. All the times he'd seen the wolf miserably residing in Grimmauld place
with Black, why didn't he come back here to escape that dark house? And what happened to
Remus' parents? Those were questions he'd never thought to ask the wolf, now Severus
suddenly wanted to know. He wanted to know every detail about Remus Lupin.

Once the fireplace was lit, the rooms were cleared of dust, Remus gave them the tour. Besides
the three bedrooms and small bathroom, the cabin had a large open living area and kitchen.
There was also a locked door in the kitchen that Remus purposely didn't show them and they
didn't ask why.

The living area was large with two sofas laden with a bunch of pillows, a wooden coffee table
and carpets all around and baskets full of blankets, setting off a cozy vibe to the room. In the
corners of the room were bookshelves full of books and muggle board games. There was also
an old television in the corner near the fireplace.

"This is brilliant, Remus!" Harry exclaimed. He was looking at the shelves full of the old
muggle board games. "We have to play some of these!"

Remus laughed at Harry's excitement. "What do you think, Severus?"

"It's quaint," Severus commented. "And a bit odd, you could tell this home was shared by a
wizard and a muggle." He observed the mixture of moving and still photographs, the books
on magical theories, books on magical creatures and werewolves, also a fairly large
collection of muggle literature. He also noticed the muggle appliances in the kitchen and the
television. "It's sort of like Spinner's End, my parents house, but by far nicer and welcoming."

"I know your mom was brilliant at Potions in her time, so it was your father who was a
muggle?" Remus asked.

Harry was listening curiously to their conversation. "Your dad was a muggle? I thought he
was a wizard," he said to Severus.

Severus shrugged, suddenly shy of his half-blood status being the subject of conversation.
"Should we get started on dinner?"

Throughout the whole process of making dinner, which was just a simple bangers and mash,
Severus argued with Remus over the sleeping arrangements as they cooked together. Harry
sat at the kitchen table, having changed out of his school robes and into his usual muggle
clothes, drinking a bottle of cold butterbeer.
There were three rooms. Remus' old childhood bedroom which Harry was to reside in.
Severus had looked in it briefly, curious to see the room Remus had grown up in, again,
trying to imagine a young Remus in the room full of old wooden furniture and books and
muggle items on every shelf. The other two rooms were the Lupin's bedroom and Lyall
Lupin's study.

Remus was insisting that Severus take his parents' room while Remus took the cot in the
study. Severus argued with Remus about it. He preferred Remus to take his parents' bedroom,
but the wolf's stubbornness was as strong as Severus' own. He had met his match. Remus
wouldn't give in, leaving Severus to slam things around, muttering to himself about stubborn
werewolves. His mood only brightened up when Harry joked that if Severus didn't stop being
so bitter, then the food was going to come out as terrible as his mood, causing Remus and
Severus to stop their arguments and agree with Remus' original plan.

Now dinner was done and they were all relaxing on the sofas in the living room, planning
their weekend.

Remus was telling Harry about his favorite pastime during the winter months, which was
snow sledding. They were planning their trip for tomorrow to Remus' favorite hill. Harry was
very excited since he never had a chance to go sledding before, mentioning that he was
always left behind when his aunt and uncle took his cousin. Severus decided to opt out of it
and let them have a day together.

Then seeing the way Remus was resting his leg with a pillow conspicuously underneath it,
Severus stopped their conversation.

"Lupin, how the bloody hell are you going sledding tomorrow with that injury?"

"Don't worry about that, Severus, I'm fine. It really doesn't hurt as much as it did yesterday."

"Then what's with the pillow? Take your cane at least, just in case you have trouble walking
back."

Remus guiltily looked away. Harry gave him a sympathetic and amused smile.

Severus then realized he hadn't seen Remus arrive with it, even though he made sure the
werewolf had the cane in his hand before Harry arrived at his quarters.

"For Merlin's sake, Lupin, where the bloody hell is your cane?"

"Oh, I might've forgotten to make sure it was attached to me when I activated the portkey,"
Remus said nonchalantly.

Severus slapped his hand to his face with annoyance and exasperation. "Ugh, you're hopeless,
wolf, I give up."

Remus smirked, "Good, now I can be at peace."

Severus scowled at him then turned his attention to Harry.

"Harry, before you go to bed, do you want to talk about last night?"

And instantly the comfortable vibe in the room changed.

Severus saw Harry's smile falter. The light of excitement of a promising weekend and his
amusement from Severus' and Remus' small spat, dimmed out in his eyes. He wrapped his
arms around himself tightly, muscles tensed, sitting in the middle of the sofa besides Remus.

Based on the boy's body language, Severus knew he was closing up and was unsure how to
go from there without starting an argument between them. He felt immense guilt at bringing
it up because Harry seemed to be enjoying the evening after a long day that was no doubt,
mentally exhausting for him. But Severus had to bring it up, if he didn't take the initiative to
talk about it Harry would avoid it as long as possible.

With all signs of his mischievous attitude gone, replaced by a serious and concerned look on
his face, Remus placed a gentle hand on Harry's shoulder, who flinched at his touch.

Quickly removing his hand with a raised eyebrow, Remus glanced at Severus. It had been a
while since Harry had flinched from Remus' touch. Their relationship had started to improve
lately, and this seemed like a setback.

"Cub, don't close up from us. There's no reason to be ashamed or embarrassed for what
happened last night. You can talk to us. We just want to make sure you're okay, we love you,"
Remus said, his persistent hazel eyes on Harry, whose own green gaze was trained on his lap
and not at all reacting to Remus' words. "It's just us here…"

"Son, remember our last conversation we had about you closing up?" Severus asked, his
voice heavy and deep with concern. "We don't want a relationship where we're always
arguing and pushing each other away. We need to trust each other. You said you'll try…"

At their pleading, Harry slowly looked up and finally his eyes connected with Severus' own.
He could tell Harry was remembering that conversation in Severus' office, after Severus
showed him some of his memories in his pensieve.

"I did promise to try to trust you…" Harry muttered. "I'm so sorry, Severus, you trusted me to
try and stop, to go to someone if I ever felt like I had to cut…and at that moment... I couldn't
do it. I was so pathetic last night. I'm so embarrassed..."

Severus frowned at his words and said in return, "Before we start this conversation, just know
that I am proud of you, no matter how low you are feeling of yourself right now. I am proud,
Harry. You still came to me immediately after you've cut yourself. That's all I wanted from
you, to come to me, to trust me. Your actions showed just that last night, it shows that you're
trying… Now tell us, what happened?"

Harry considered his words for a while, then took a deep breath.

"It was for a stupid reason. I was so stupid… I hate myself for doing it," Harry muttered, his
face red with shame and he couldn't make eye contact with them any longer. "This is so
embarrassing…"
"Whatever you have to say is between us and we won't judge you. We are here to listen,"
Remus said gently.

Harry sighed in defeat, "I have a crush on Ginny Weasley, I've had it for a while… I ran into
Ginny and Dean Thomas snogging in the hall after Quidditch practice. I was feeling… I don't
know…out of place… Also, my friends were fighting and I was annoyed and tired so I went
to bed. I was in the bathroom, looking at my reflection in the mirror and I just started
wondering what Ginny saw in Dean that I didn't have, and I realized the answer… He isn't
some messed-up freak like I am. And how could I ever show her my scars, ever tell her about
my past? It's better she chose him and not me…"

Remus and Severus exchanged glances, they both seemed to be remembering their
conversation in the classroom of the D.A. Club, when Remus told Severus about Harry
asking him for advice on girls. Remus' cheeks blushed a bit, his eyes full of guilt for giving
Harry such bad advice. Severus wanted to tell Remus it wasn't his fault. He wouldn't have
known it would lead to this, that it was a hint to something bigger.

If anything, Severus was grateful that Remus was here to help him with this talk. He could
see clearly how much Harry trusted the wolf. Severus wished so dearly that his son could
have the same easy trust for him but he knew it was complicated. Their relationship was
complicated with their past. And despite of it all, he wasn't jealous because he knew in the
end Remus was the one who was going to be there to pick up the pieces after Severus
fulfilled his daunting task. His heart squeezed in pain at the thought, and so he closed his
mind off from the touchy subject.

"Then before I knew it," Harry continued, unaware of the silent exchange between Severus
and Remus. "I was cutting… It was like someone just flipped a switch inside me. Once I
snapped out of the trance, I hated myself so much for what I've done…and I didn't know
what to do… I just knew that I needed you, Sev, even though we've been fighting a lot. I'm so
sorry for acting like a git towards you, especially during lessons, and on the Draco thing…for
not trusting you…"

"Your reasons for being triggered to cut are not at all stupid, they are understandable. Your
feelings are valid and you are not a freak. You have just as much worth as Dean Thomas and
everyone else. And I know Ginny Weasley will say the same thing to you. I hate to say this
about that annoying bunch of red-haired Gryffindors, but she's a Weasley, Harry, don't you
forget the good family she comes from." Severus sat up as he spoke, trying to catch Harry's
gaze once more, but the boy was stubborn, looking down at his lap. "Son, look at me…"

Harry did as he was told. There was a world full of shame and hurt in those green depths.

"There's no need to apologize about your behavior. You're the child and I'm the adult. I
should be the one apologizing to you for always letting my temper get the best of me, for not
being patient enough with you."

Harry looked taken aback, but didn't say anything, letting Severus continue…

"I've started to realize how I've dealt with your mental health in the past. Instead of forcing
you to stop, I should've tried to understand more. I should've asked you what makes you
comfortable. I shouldn't have reprimanded you by threatening to take your wand away… It
was the wrong way… My actions only pushed you further away."

"Dad…neither of us knew what we were doing. You did the best you could this summer.
You've done more than anyone cared to try, you and Remus."

Touched, Severus nodded at his words. "I've noticed distracting you when you're about to cut
or when you're scratching yourself, then talking about it later when you're not triggered
anymore seems to work with you. Do you want to continue that?"

Harry nodded. "Yeah, that does help. That way it doesn't leave me feeling so ashamed and
feeling like a freak. Does this mean I get to keep my wand this time? I'm not on probation
again?"

"No, you're not on probation, and yes, you can keep your wand. I'm going to trust you, son. I
trust that you will go to me or Remus or your friends. I know you can't just stop. It's going to
be something you're going to struggle with, but we'll be here to support you and help you no
matter what. I'm not here to reprimand you for something you can't help. I'm not going to do
any of those things, I'm going to just trust you."

Harry looked at Severus, then at Remus, who nodded his agreement to Severus' words.

"But freaks don't deserve a family…" Harry whispered.

"Harry?" Remus asked with concern

Harry fixed his gaze on Remus. "Severus already knows about this, Remus. I think I was
triggered by Aunt Petunia. She used to make me stand in front of the bathroom mirror when I
was a kid and force me to shout at my reflection for hours, until she felt like I was thoroughly
punished. She used to make me say things like… Freaks don't deserve a family. Freaks don't
deserve new clothes, freaks deserve to sleep in a broom cupboard under the stairs. Freaks
don't deserve to have a mommy or daddy…" Harry choked out, close to tears.

Seeing that his son was on the verge of a panic attack, Severus got up and sat next to him,
leaving Harry sandwiched between him and Remus.

"And when I was standing in front of that mirror last night, I was doing what she taught me. I
was calling myself a freak. Telling myself I didn't deserve a girl like Ginny. She deserves
someone much better, who doesn't have scars, who isn't a freak!"

"Son, you are loved very much by us. You are not a freak. I'm willing to say that a thousand
times over just to remind you how much of a good kid you are. I hope one day you will
believe us," Severus said, gently.

Harry was now in tears, beginning to hyperventilate. Severus gently picked up Harry's hand,
who flinched at the sudden touch, and placed it over Remus' heart. Severus wanted Remus to
see, to learn how to calm Harry down by the steady beating of a heart. He wanted Harry to
feel safe with Remus because he was the one who was going to pick up the pieces of Harry
that Severus would be forced to shatter. They both had similar pain, he wanted them to see
that. They needed each other. And Severus' silent gesture to the wolf, of handing Harry over
to him, was hurting Severus beyond any unimaginable pain.

Remus' eyes locked onto Severus, full of hurt for his cub and understanding of what Severus
was doing, yet he didn't ask any questions. Severus knew he wouldn't. Remus knew Severus
wouldn't be able to give him any answers, and that was why Severus admired him so
strongly.

"Take it from here," Severus whispered to the wolf.

Remus didn't need telling twice, he gathered Harry in his arms, pressing his hand over his
beating heart. Muttering softly to Harry to keep breathing, that he wasn't alone and he was
much more than what he thought of himself. They sat that way for a while, until Harry began
to come around, collapsing with tears into Remus' chest. Severus only watched, not
interfering, with his heart full of pain.

It's for the best… Severus kept saying to himself.

Severus thought back to the first conversation about the mirror when they were hiking back
from the waterfall, that morning Severus had woken up to an empty tent with no sign of
Harry. He thought briefly that maybe he should cast the mirror again, to make Harry see that
he wasn't a freak. His low self-esteem caused by abuse was the underlying problem of it all,
the root to what made Harry cut himself. Ginny Weasley choosing Dean Thomas over him
was the trigger last night, but this was not the Weasley girl's fault nor the Thomas boy's. They
didn't know, only merely doing what typical teenagers do. No, the only ones at fault were the
Dursleys.

"Harry, I understand what you're going through. I see why you had to cut yourself last night.
You see yourself as worthless, a freak. It was drilled into your head and no matter how hard
you fight against the voice, it's still there. I know you cut yourself to regain control, to choose
the way you feel pain… I understand, cub…"

Severus was pulled out of his thoughts, by what Remus was saying.

Harry leaned away from Remus, wiping his face and regaining his composure. "Remus,
how...?" he choked out, his voice raspy.

"I'm not saying your pain is completely like mine, we are all different, yet I have pain similar
to your own. It gives me a clue to what you're going through. I've been dealing with
depression. Sometimes I wake up and I see myself as nothing more than a dark creature that
doesn't deserve to live. I hear my father's voice in my head, to never show the beast inside
me. I hear Greyback in my dreams, telling me I'm a monster like him. Some days it's so bad I
can't get out of bed. I understand the power this has on you, how it can make you feel
isolated, cut off from everyone else. I understand, cub, how it feels like you're falling apart
from the inside and you're doing everything you can just to keep yourself afloat, to seem
normal for everyone else, to just get through the day… I know what it's like…"

Harry suddenly threw himself in another hug with Remus. Remus held him tight, rubbing his
back in comfort. Once Harry let go, he glanced at Severus then back at Remus. His green
eyes were dark and raw with emotion.

"Remus, when Severus and I were camping during the summer… I…" Harry took a deep
breath. "I had a nightmare and I left without telling Severus. I hiked up to the waterfall and I
tried to jump, I tried to kill myself, but I couldn't do it. I kept thinking of Sirius and how
disappointed he would've been if he knew the state I was in. And I was scared for you at the
time, I thought you were dead. Severus and I were barely getting along, I felt so alone…"

Remus' eyes were bright with unshed tears, at the information Harry had finally revealed to
him on his own. "You're not alone, cub, not anymore, thank you for trusting me with that, for
telling me…"

It was much later in the night. Severus had gone to check on Harry, making sure he was
settled in bed before turning in himself. He entered the living room, finding Remus standing
by the mantle of the fireplace, looking at the framed family photos of his past.

"Are you okay, wolf?" Severus asked. "I know that was intense…"

"He tried to kill himself and I wasn't there, no wonder he was so angry at me."

"You're here now, that's what matters. And you were great with him today, it's clear he trusts
you."

"You're hiding something from me, Severus," Remus whispered.

Severus stepped closely behind him. He wanted to tell Remus everything that was going
on… Albus' task for him… His worry for Harry during Albus' secret lessons, sharing
information with his son that he would never reveal to Severus. He wanted to tell Remus
about his sleepless nights, how Severus worried constantly how this would all affect Harry in
the end. The hurt and betrayal he would be forced to cause to both of them. The thought of
someone else sharing his burdens, lifting the heavy weight off of him felt like a breath of
fresh air after being held underwater for so long, but he couldn't… Severus' loyalty to Albus
stopped him.

The silence was heavy between them. He looked over Remus' shoulder at the family photos
on the mantle. All in various frames, some were moving, some were captured moments
forever frozen in time. The family in the pictures looked happy for the most part, although
some of Lyall's moving portraits were casting cold glares at Remus.

"Why haven't you mentioned this cabin before?" Severus asked. He didn't know what to say
in response to Remus' accusation. The best way he could think of was to just change the
subject. "Like Harry, I assumed you had nowhere else to go besides Grimmauld place."

"During the first war, after I lost my parents, I couldn't bring myself to come back here."

"What happened to them, if you don't mind me asking?"

Remus picked up his parents' wedding photo.

"My mother grew sick around my seventh year and died a few months after I graduated from
Hogwarts. My father died not long after. I guess there was no one else for him to stick around
for."

Severus' stomach clenched at the news. His mother had also passed away during that time, a
bit earlier… He felt the old familiar pain of it, preventing him from speaking about it.

"But he had you," was all he could say.

Remus sighed, placing the photo back on the mantle.

"We never had the best relationship. I was always a disappointment to him."

Severus observed the moving wedding photo. Hope Lupin was gazing at Remus with love
and adoration in her chocolate-brown eyes. Lyall Lupin only stared at Remus with hard and
distant hazel eyes. Remus had those eyes, but they were softer, kinder, like his mother's.

"He never saw me the same way after I was bitten. In his eyes, his son died that night, and I
was as good as an imposter."

"I'm sorry…"

Remus shook his head. "Don't be, it's all in the past."

And quite suddenly, Remus turned around so quickly. He must not have known Severus was
standing so close behind him.

Without thinking, Severus wrapped his arms around his waist, pulling him close. Their
foreheads leaned against each other and Severus was entranced in hazel-green eyes. And
suddenly, all of his worries, all of his stress over the future, went away. And the only thing
that mattered was the feel of Remus so close to him. His warmth and his intoxicating scent of
earth, the pages of a book, chocolate and a good cup of tea, was all that surrounded Severus.

Remus held him by the shoulders, squeezing him firmly in place, their heavy breaths
intermingling together and those hazel eyes trailed down to Severus' lips. Severus wanted to
kiss him. Their lips were so close, all he had to do was go for it. He desperately wanted to
show the wolf how much he thought about him, of all the sleepless nights, wondering if
Remus felt the same way as he did, but fear of rejection kept him frozen.

"Severus…"

The way his name sounded from Remus, it sent butterflies through Severus. It caused his
heart to leap in his chest and he couldn't breathe.

And as quickly as it happened, it was over. Remus pulled himself away from him. And
Severus felt cold from the absence of such warmth.
"I'm going to turn in," Remus only said, running a hand through his golden hair, avoiding
Severus' eyes.

Severus didn't say anything, he didn't know what to say. He wasn't even sure what just
happened, and so he let Remus go without a single word.

At the sound of the door to the study closing shut, Severus wished he wasn't such a coward.
Why couldn't he stop Remus and just tell him how he felt. That the very sight of Remus made
his body tremble, that his voice stopped Severus' breath everytime he spoke. He'd never felt
this way about anyone, even his feelings for Lily were not as strong as this.

Is this turning into love? Severus asked himself. He wouldn't know. He'd never felt his body
react to someone like this before, and he wondered if Remus might feel the same way.
Severus closed his eyes, savoring the memory, he knew Remus didn't want to push him away.
He held onto Severus for a moment…there was a moment. Severus knew it was there and it
was true. He saw it in those hazel eyes, felt it in his touch.

Severus knew Remus was afraid. He had felt love once and was hurt deeply by it. They
weren't unaware of the growing infatuation between them, Remus said he needed time and
Severus was okay with that. But it was getting harder with every moment they spent together.

And so Severus went to bed, tossing and turning in the Lupins' bed with dreams of summer
woods and a warm voice whispering his name.

The next morning Severus surprised Harry with pancakes for breakfast. He had noticed last
night that Harry barely touched his dinner. He had a feeling his son hadn't eaten since his
relapse. Leaning against the kitchen counter, drinking a cup of coffee and under his watchful
gaze, Harry was at the table slowly eating and dressed in Remus' old snow gear. Despite
Severus' voiced concerns about Remus' injured leg last night, Harry and Remus were still
going snow sledding after breakfast.

Remus came in wearing a light-blue winter jacket with a fur-lined hood. It was different from
the earth-toned robes and muggle clothing Remus usually wore, and Severus couldn't help
but keep his gaze on him for a moment before quickly looking away.

"Pancakes? Severus, you're amazing!" Remus said, fixing himself a plate.

Severus' heart just fell out of his chest at the unexpected praise, yet he managed to
successfully keep his composure, sipping his coffee with a raised eyebrow.

"Are you sure snow sledding is a good idea with that leg?" Severus asked in his best drawling
voice as Remus sat beside Harry with his coffee and breakfast.

"I'll be okay. I'm not even limping this morning and it's feeling a lot better. Remember, I heal
faster than normal wizards do."
"Harry, as soon as you see Lupin limping, you are to come straight back home!" Severus
snapped, not believing Remus at all.

"Yes, sir," Harry said, glancing at Remus with quiet amusement.

Remus winked at him.

Severus sighed in exasperation… Bloody Gryffindors!

Once they were gone, Severus spent the morning grading and lesson planning. When he was
done with his work, he didn't know what to do with himself so he walked absentmindedly
around the cabin. Only to keep his thoughts from traveling to the embarrassment of last night,
he distracted himself by imagining what it would've been like to grow up in a cabin out in the
middle of the woods such as this one, where the worlds of muggles and wizards collided.
Sure, Remus' father was distant from him, but he wasn't abusive and it seemed by the adoring
eyes of Mrs. Lupin on the mantle that her love for her son was twice as strong, possibly to
make up for a distant father.

Severus found himself in Remus' childhood bedroom. He sat on the twin-sized bed looking
around at the shelves on the walls with various old muggle and magical child playthings that
had gathered dust. There was a large wooden bookcase mixed with muggle and magical book
titles, just like the ones in the living room. And in front of the window was a matching
wooden desk full of Remus' old textbooks and school work. His guitar was leaning against
the desk. He could see the opened closet door filled with old clothes and school robes.

He reached over and picked up a stuffed teddy that was sitting on the night table besides a
stack of muggle books for teens. It was missing an eye, the ears were threadbare and looked
as if it had been chewed. He put it back in its place, wondering what on earth Remus had
done to this poor bear.

This room, like the muggle photos on the mantle, was frozen in time. Severus wondered how
Remus felt, to step back into this cabin all these years later, to step into his childhood room,
frozen and covered in dust. Maybe he should ask Remus later when he returned and Severus'
heart fluttered at the thought of seeing Remus again.

And finally, he let himself remember last night. The way Remus felt so close against him,
craving to feel that warmth again. He remembered the way he got lost in those beautiful
hazel-green eyes and how Remus fixated on his lips. Severus sighed in frustration with
himself. He should've just kissed him, but fear stopped Severus and fear was what probably
made Remus pull himself away. It was strange to fear something that Severus knew could
make them so happy, if only they were brave enough to give each other a chance.

The sun was lower in the sky as Remus and Harry hiked up the hill one more time to have a
last slide down before heading back to the cabin.

They were walking side by side with Remus dragging the sled behind them, laughing about
their previous rounds down the hill.
"Remus? Can I ask you something?" Harry suddenly asked, his tone suddenly serious.

Remus turned to his cub. Harry was dressed in Remus' old green snow jacket and snow pants.
His cheeks were red from the cold and his dark hair was sticking out underneath his
Gryffindor-colored beanie. They were both thoroughly covered in snow.

"You can ask me anything," Remus answered, wondering what this could be about, thinking
back to the information Harry had finally revealed to him last night.

"You have to tell me the truth," Harry demanded, his green eyes locking on Remus.

"Cub, what is this about?"

"I was truthful with you yesterday, I'm just asking for the same in return."

"Truly a Marauder of course… Go on, ask away."

"Is something going on between you and Severus?"

Remus looked at Harry, taken aback by such a bold question. "There's nothing going on
between us," he shrugged. It was the truth. They weren't anything.

"Do you fancy him?"

Remus wasn't sure how to answer that. He wanted to be truthful to Harry, who deserved it.
Especially since he'd opened up last night, despite of it being hard for him to do. Remus
sighed in defeat at those persistent green eyes.

"Yes, but please, keep it between us."

Harry grinned at his admittance. "Do you know if he fancies you back?"

At the question, Remus allowed himself to think about last night. How suddenly Severus was
pulling him close and all Remus could see were his dark eyes, searching and persistent. How
Remus wanted to lean in and kiss him, but fear stopped him because he wasn't sure if he was
ready to fall in love again. He was still so broken inside, yet his heart yearned at Severus'
touch. It was so hard to pull himself away last night.

"I want to believe so…" Remus said, after realizing Harry was waiting for an answer.

"Are you going to do something about it?"

"I don't know, cub," Remus sighed, walking on ahead. The sound of crunching snow was all
that was heard between them for several minutes.

"What's holding you back?" Harry suddenly asked.

"It's… It's complicated… You know how much I loved Sirius, how much his death affected
me…"
Remus thought hard with what he was trying to say. He didn't want to reveal to Harry how
much Sirius changed after Azkaban, how he drank away his demons and verbally took it out
on Remus. He didn't want Harry to ever know that side of his godfather. It was so hard to
watch Sirius go down that path when he still loved him so much, yet he wasn't the same
Sirius. There was a rift between them that couldn't be mended, and the fact that Remus broke
up with him right before he died... It killed Remus inside to think that Sirius died thinking
Remus didn't love him anymore, it killed him…and because of that, along with the
depression and P.T.S.D from his time with Greyback, Remus didn't know if he could ever fall
in love again. Not when he was so broken inside, not when he felt like a monster.

"I'm just not ready to fall in love again, especially when I'm a mess right now… What's with
the questions?" Remus asked, slightly out of breath from the hill they were climbing. He kept
walking, despite his leg aching from overuse.

"I just think you two are good for each other…" Harry shrugged. "But I understand your
reasons… I know why you're scared. I feel the same way with Ginny, she deserves better than
me and my problems."

"You shouldn't underestimate Ginny. Remember what Severus said, she's a Weasley. I wish
you can give her a chance."

Harry only shook his head.

"I know it's complicated, cub, we just have to be brave. We're more than Gryffindors, we're
Marauders."

"You know it isn't that easy, Remus! Like I've told Ron once in my fourth year, I'd rather take
on the dragon again than ask a girl out!"

Remus bursted out laughing at his words as they climbed the last few steps up the hill. Once
they'd finally reached the top, they stopped, catching their breaths and enjoying the scenery
of the snowy forest.

"My father taught me to stay away from others," Remus suddenly said, his breath coming out
in an icy fog.

He stared straight ahead, past the tree tops, to the cabin in the distance.

"He was ashamed of what I was. He didn't like it when I showed the wolf in my eyes, so I
had to learn to close my emotions off. I also wasn't allowed to grow close with others, not
allowed to have friends. And when I failed him, it always resulted in moving. This cabin was
the last place we moved to once I started Hogwarts."

Harry followed Remus' line of sight, to the wooden cabin in the distance, where Severus was
waiting for them. He didn't say anything in return, letting Remus continue.

"That is why I'm afraid to let Severus in, cub. I constantly hear my father in the back of my
head to not let the wolf show, don't grow close to others or they'll see the monster inside.
Greyback said I was a monster like him. What if Severus sees that in me?"
"That's how I feel with Ginny. I keep hearing freak in my head, my aunt telling me I don't
deserve anything, and sometimes I believe her. It makes me afraid to start anything with
Ginny. What if she sees that in me? I feel like it's my fault she went off with Dean. I didn't try
to hang out with her, she got tired of waiting."

"You have to tell her, Harry, I know she'll understand."

"And you have to take a chance with Severus."

"You are not a freak."

"And you aren't a monster." Harry then sighed, "We're as bad as Ron and Hermione."

"Ron and Hermione?" Remus tore his gaze away from the view and onto Harry.

"Yeah, it's hard hanging around with them now," Harry grimaced.

"Interesting… It makes sense," Remus shrugged, he then nudged Harry gently. "Come on!
One more go down the hill!"

An hour later as Harry and Remus walked into the cabin feeling frozen from being out all
day, they felt the warmth washing over them. Remus tried not to show his limp, but Severus
met him with a glare.

"Your tea with Pain Potion is on the counter!" he scowled. "Harry, you were supposed to
make sure he didn't over exert himself!"

"He said he was fine," Harry shrugged.

Severus rolled his eyes."Why do I even bother? Come on, dinner is ready."

They had spent the rest of the evening playing board games and drinking hot butterbeer.
Harry taught Remus how to roast marshmallows in the fireplace for s'mores.

"Remus, your marshmallow is catching on fire! Blow it out!" Harry exclaimed, bursting into
laughter as Remus blew out the flames.

He had never known about this muggle snack food of gooey chocolate and marshmallow
before. His mom never showed it to him, and Remus found out he loved it as much as Harry
did.

Severus just rolled his eyes at their antics. "Harry, it's your turn to go," he said.

"Oh right…" Harry's attention was now back on the game. He grabbed the dice and began to
roll.
"Severus, are you sure you wouldn't like one? These are quite delicious," Remus said, as
Harry moved his pawn forward.

They were playing Monopoly, luckily, they were all familiar with the muggle game. Severus
had said that he used to play with Lily and Petunia when they were children. He had told
them about the fights it had caused, due to Petunia being a sore loser. Remus had played with
the Marauders the summer they were here. Harry laughed at his stories of Sirius flipping the
board when things wouldn't go his way and Peter giving into all of James' tactics until he
went bankrupt. Harry revealed that he was never really allowed to play, and when he was
allowed on the rare occasion, he always had to let Dudley win.

"No, I don't understand why you two are so obsessed with that!"

"Come on, just a bite," Remus said, handing him his plate.

Their eyes met, Remus knew Severus was remembering last night, just like him. His stomach
twinged at the thought of Severus' arms around his waist, pulling him close. Remus felt the
blush on his cheeks and quickly looked away. They hadn't had a moment alone to talk about
it yet.

"Fine!" Severus took Remus' plate, picking up the s'more and biting into it. Severus then
immediately handed it back to him. "Just as I thought, it's disgustingly sweet!"

Once the evening grew into night and Harry went off to bed, Severus and Remus found
themselves alone for the first time since last night. And Remus again remembered the sudden
pull against Severus' body, how he felt warm and sturdy against him. How his heart was
beating fast against his chest and how he was lost in obsidian-black eyes.

Suddenly the air was thick between them. And Remus didn't know what to say. He was at a
loss for words.

Remus thought about his conversation with Harry earlier. The words Remus had spoken were
true. He did have feelings for Severus but he was afraid. He was too broken, Severus
wouldn't want him, he deserved better. And Remus was enjoying their friendship, he didn't
want that to change. Maybe he should apologize…maybe things didn't have to be awkward
between them….

"I'm sorry…"

"Remus, about…"

They both spoke at the same time. Remus blushed, running a hand through his hair.

"You can go ahead, Severus."

"I just wanted to apologize for my behavior last night. I didn't mean to, well... I don't
usually…"

"It's okay, it was just in the moment," Remus said. He realized he didn't need an explanation.
Severus was already forgiven.
"I know you're not ready…"

Remus nodded in response. "I'm sorry, Severus, I don't know what's wrong with me, but I am
enjoying your company."

"I'm enjoying your company too," Severus whispered and their eyes connected.

Remus felt like he was falling into those dark eyes. He wanted to just let go of his fears and
let Severus in. To take a chance and let Severus see how broken and monstrous Remus was
inside and let him decide if he still wanted him. Remus wasn't sure if he could handle
Severus' rejection…he was still hurting...and so Remus stayed silent.

"There is nothing wrong with you," Severus said. "After everything that's happened, it's okay
to be cautious."

Remus tore his eyes away, landing on the soft cackling flames in the fireplace.

"That door in the kitchen…" Severus asked softly.

"It's where I did my changes," Remus said, and he didn't know what made him say it. Maybe
he was feeling brave at the moment or maybe he just wanted to make up for his rejection last
night. "Would you like to see it?" Or maybe he wanted to see Severus' reaction, see if he
could accept the monstrous part of him.

"Only if it's okay with you."

"I want to show you."

They climbed down the stairs together. Severus just behind Remus. They lit their way with
the light from their wands, chasing away the pitch black. It was a big empty cellar with only a
large metal cage at its center. There was no window, no source of light. Only the darkness
and that cage.

"Remus…" Severus could only say. The room was horrid. His wand light illuminated the
claw and teeth marks and old stains that could only be blood.

"This is where I've changed every month… My father built this room like a muggle panic
room. It was the safest place to keep me."

Severus could imagine a young Remus sitting alone in the dark, waiting for his change. He
must've felt so alone. And he realized this was no different than the Shrieking Shack, except
this time Remus was able to keep his mind, able to remember the wild thoughts of the wolf
and the loneliness and pain. He didn't want Remus to feel alone anymore. He had to do
something.

Severus had been working hard to improve the Wolfsbane Potion during his free time, but the
task was proving to be immensely difficult and could eventually take years. Severus didn't
have years….
Suddenly, he couldn't stand to be there any longer. The darkness was too much, he could
practically hear the screams and howling that must've gone on in this room. Without thinking,
he reached out for Remus' hand. Slender fingers wrapped around his own as Severus led him
back up the stairs.

He didn't let go of Remus' hand until the cellar door was locked. They then made their way
back to their spots on each sofa.

Remus was staring at him with wide eyes, and Severus realized his sudden flight out of the
cellar might've freaked him out.

"Remus, I promise you, seeing that cage doesn't change anything between us. I still see you,
just you, not a monster. I'm going to help you so you won't be alone during your full-moon
changes. I'm going to figure something out."

Those words seemed to have taken away the awkward tension between them. Remus' eyes
brightened and he smiled shyly. Severus realized that was Remus' way of letting him in, by
showing him that cage… And somehow, Severus had said the right thing. He felt like he had
passed some sort of test or mental barrier... Maybe there was a possibility of them being
something more soon.…

And with the tension finally gone and the familiar ease of their friendship reestablished, they
stayed up talking until the late hours of the night.

"Remus, what's with that old teddy in your bedroom?"

"Teddy? What's wrong with him?"

"Well, he looks like he's been trampled by a herd of centaurs."

"He's the oldest thing I have, my father bought it for me when I was born. Do you have
something from your parents that you can't part with?"

"My mum's old children's picture book of Hogwarts. The pages are dog-eared and yellow.
Lily and I used to spend hours looking at the pictures, imagining ourselves at Hogwarts."

"I'm sorry Hogwarts didn't turn out so well for you as you probably once imagined. My
friends made it difficult for you."

"It's the past, wolf, I've moved on, besides I wasn't exactly a saint."

"Does that mean you've forgiven Sirius?"

"No, he's a special case."

"Hmm..."

"Are you ever going to forgive him?" Severus asked, knowing Remus was still hurting over
that mutt. There was no reply, he assumed Remus was thinking of his answer.
"Remus?" The sound of heavy breathing filled the air. Severus turned his head to the sofa
Remus was laying down in, covered in blankets.

The wolf was sound asleep. Severus would have to ask him his question some other time. He
stayed where he was, too tired and comfy to move. He observed the dimly-lit living room.
The fire was starting to go out and all he could hear were the soft sounds of Remus sleeping.

Suddenly an old tapestry hanging on the wall caught his eye. It was in the corner of the room
with the bookshelves. The tapestry was beautiful. It had an embroidered black wolf standing
near a larger grey wolf. They both had deep amber eyes, and suddenly an answer to Severus'
problem clicked. He wanted to help Remus, something that would help him through his full-
moon changes, something that was easier and less time consuming than improving the
Wolfsbane Potion.

Severus soon began to fall asleep as plans of becoming an unregistered animagus invaded his
dreams, of two wolves racing side by side in the wild snowy forest. One a beautiful grey
large wolf, and another smaller wolf as dark as the night.
 I Love You
Chapter Summary

Trigger Warnings: Talk about Suicide, Self-Harm, Child Abuse, Negative Thoughts,
Low Self-Esteem…
Next Update is next weekend! Enjoy my new chapter and thanks for reading!

Chapter Twelve - I Love You

Harry was plagued by nightmares all night.

Nightmares of him as a little kid standing in front of that mirror with his image distorted. He
was yelling freak over and over, and he didn't know why. He wanted to stop, but Aunt
Petunia's reflection was standing behind him. Her glaring eyes told him that if he stopped, a
worse punishment would follow.

The mirror suddenly changed.

Harry was handing Aunt Petunia a drawing he'd made at school. It was of Privet Drive with
stick figures of Harry and the Dursleys. My house was written in blue crayon. Harry could
feel his pride in that drawing. He had worked so hard on it at school. He really wanted Aunt
Petunia to like it and hang it over her fridge, just like she did with Dudley's artwork. She took
the drawing and blanched at it in disgust, then ripped it up, causing Harry to cry.

"You're not a part of this family, she shouted. You're a freak! You don't belong here!"

And then Harry was locked in his cupboard, in the dark, and alone. Counting the spiders on
the ceiling, listening to the creeks of the house settling in for the night. Then suddenly he
heard the sounds of his uncle returning home. Fear took over Harry as he hid himself under
his thin and ragged blanket.

Maybe the monster wouldn't find him under here… "Aunt Petunia… Help… Don't let the
monster get me!" he whispered, but she was upstairs asleep and unaware of the terror Harry
was feeling; the danger he was in.

The door of his cupboard slammed open. And in the darkness, Harry peeked out from his
blanket and could see the large figure in the shadows, could smell the alcohol wafting from
its breath and the glowing red eyes. Harry backed away from that reaching, large hand, but
he couldn't scoot back far enough. The hand grabbed him by his arm and yanked. A loud
popping noise, followed by Harry's agonizing scream, caused the monster to drop him onto
the floor.
The pain was intense, it took Harry's breath away. He tried to move, but he was frozen. And
somehow through the fear and pain, Harry knew these memories were only dreams and he
willed himself to wake up. He tried to scream for help, for Severus or Remus to come wake
him. Harry tried to move his limbs, screaming at the top of his lungs in hope that his body
gave any sign that he was trapped in his nightmares.

Then suddenly, Harry opened his eyes. He was covered in a cold sweat and his shoulder was
throbbing. The fear he felt caused by his nightmares was strong, making his heart beat fast
against his chest.

Taking deep breaths to prevent a panic attack, Harry looked out the bedroom window and he
saw the rising sun. It was just a dream, he was safe and far away from the Dursleys. It was
just a dream, he repeated to himself over and over, trying to calm down, trying to stop
shaking.

And he knew with a heavy heart that the only thing that could possibly help him was to cut.
He wanted to cut, but this time he felt strong. Harry refused to give in to the longing, he knew
he had to distract himself. He got out of bed, quickly used the restroom and brushed his teeth;
the whole time avoiding his reflection in the bathroom mirror.

The cabin was cold and silent as Harry walked into the living room, finding the sleeping
forms of Remus, who was covered in a pile of blankets, and Severus, on the sofas. The sight
of them calmed Harry down a bit, they gave him more reason to stay strong.

Harry remembered how he'd felt after his relapse, the self-hatred he had for himself for being
so weak, giving into his negative thoughts and emotions by cutting himself. It made Harry
sick to the stomach thinking how messed up he was that night. And he knew, if he gave into
his longing to feel that satisfying pain right now, Harry would feel those emotions ten times
stronger when he was done.

And that made him realize, cutting himself up wasn't going to take away his fear caused by
the nightmares. It was only a temporary fix that would only leave Harry feeling worse than
before. And seeing his two dads sleeping in the cabin they've brought him to, to help him, to
show him how much they loved him, reminded Harry that he wasn't alone. He was strong and
he could get through his momentary fear and pain without having to cut.

Not wanting to wake them, Harry silently picked up one of the many blankets on top of
Remus and made his way outside to the porch. Harry made himself comfy on the swinging
bench, the blanket smelling faintly of Remus provided him with warmth against the morning
chill.

As Harry stared out into the frozen lake and the snowy woods around it, his thoughts landed
on Remus and what he told Harry the other night. About his own depression, the demons he'd
been battling with inside of him. His confession had shown Harry how much he and Remus
had in common, how much Remus cared enough for Harry to tell him something that must've
been so hard and painful.

They had almost the same pain, and Remus understood Harry's. That had knocked fractures
into Harry's brick wall, allowing him to trust Remus like he would a parent. Harry was
starting to see Remus as another dad. That realization caused Harry to suddenly feel safe
enough to tell him about his darkest morning during the summer, when he'd almost jumped
into that waterfall.

Harry couldn't believe the state he was in all those months ago, ready to just kill himself and
end it all. He could still remember the feelings of hopelessness and darkness weighing him
down. Harry had let the weight of the prophecy, his grief for Sirius, and for Remus who was
missing at the time, had let the pain he carried deep inside caused by the Dursleys, succumb
him deeper into the darkness, but not this time. Harry was tired of feeling that way. He
wanted to get better, to be happy, to be stronger. He wanted to live and to do that, he had to
stop giving in to his fear and pain, into the addiction of cutting himself.

And Harry realized as he watched the sun climb higher into the sky, that despite of the
prophecy hanging over him, there was still hope that he could defeat Voldemort, and when he
did, Harry was going to live and enjoy it.

So no more cutting… Harry thought to himself, then began to make a list of things he wanted
to do. They seemed impossible at the moment, but he'll give it his all to try. He wasn't going
to let the Dursleys win. Harry was going to be strong. He owed that much to Severus and
Remus for taking care of him during his worst moments. No more feeling sorry for yourself…
Give Ginny a chance… Stop believing you're a freak… Trust Severus and Remus, let them
in… Stop lying to your friends… Stop hiding behind the wall, open up more….

Suddenly the door opened and out stepped Severus, wearing a dark-grey bathrobe over his
pajamas with the Slytherin crest on the front corner. He held his wand up, levitating two
steaming mugs and a stack of toast on a plate.

"Can I join you out here, son?"

Harry nodded, switching his gaze out onto the frozen lake. The sight of his dad, joining him
out here with tea and breakfast…made Harry feel loved… It was such a strange thing to
experience, even after all these months of being officially adopted to the professor. Small
gestures like that still surprised Harry at times.

"This place is beautiful, secluded and off the radar. Perfect, if you should ever need to go into
hiding," Severus observed. He handed Harry hot tea and placed the plate of toast between
them.

"Do you think the war would get to that point? Where I might need to go into hiding?"

Harry held the mug with both of his hands, bringing back warmth into his fingers. The scent
of herbal tea wafting towards him calmed him down, chasing away the lingering fear from
his nightmares.

"I can't tell you where the war will take us, but it's best to be prepared," Severus answered
with his gaze on the rising sun over the frozen lake. "Just remember your safe places, like
here or the Forest of Dean. Places no one would think to look for you, and remember what
I've taught you during our camping trip, just in case you can't rely on magic."
"I won't forget," Harry said, then after a small pause as he sipped his tea and Severus helped
himself to toast, then Harry said, "You're right about this place, it's peaceful, making it easy
to forget the war right now."

"We could all use the break." Severus sipped his coffee. "It's bloody freezing out here. Aren't
you cold?"

Harry shrugged, then watched as Severus casted the Bluebell Charm into a nearby dusty jar.
The blue flames provided heat for them, taking away the freezing cold Harry didn't realize he
was sitting in, until now.

And again Harry realized how lucky he was to have two great father figures in his life right
now, especially after everything he'd lost. He wasn't alone anymore, and suddenly he felt
ready to finally tell Severus more about his childhood. This time he wasn't going to let
himself close up. Harry wanted to tell his dad why he was sitting out here so early in the
morning, in the freezing cold.

"Severus…" Harry turned to face his father. He wanted to trust him. He wanted to let him in.
He was ready to give Severus a chance. He no longer wanted to push him away.

"Harry?" Severus studied him with his earnest dark eyes, waiting for him to continue.

"I'm out here because… I had nightmares last night…and I…" Harry stopped, taking a deep
breath. Why was this so hard? He willed himself to continue, remembering his thoughts on
wanting to live and be happy, and the list of goals he'd set for himself.

Stop closing up! You can do this! Harry inwardly berated himself.

"I… I woke up wanting to cut. I came out here to distract myself," Harry finally stuttered out.

Severus' gaze was full of warmth and concern, as he said, "I'm here, Harry, if you want to talk
about them."

"I do…but remember our deal? I tell you something and you tell me something," Harry said,
his body shaking and his stomach churning with nerves.

Severus nodded at his words. "Of course, Harry. Whatever makes it easier for you. Do you
want to go first or should I?"

"I'll go," Harry replied, trying to stop his body from shaking. It was so embarrassing for
Severus to see him falling apart over some silly nightmares. He probably looked like a
pathetic little kid to him. He turned his gaze back to Severus, who was frowning at him, as if
he knew what Harry was thinking. Forcing himself to stop thinking so low of himself, Harry
gathered up the words he wanted to say.

"When I was five, in kindergarten, Aunt Petunia always made it a big deal when Dudley
came home with artwork. She'll put them on her fridge as if they were university degrees. She
was always so proud of Dudley. I wanted that. It made me jealous of him.
So one day in school, we had an assignment to draw our family. Instead of drawing my
parents and how I thought they would've looked like, I drew Privet Drive and the Dursleys. I
thought it was my chance to make Aunt Petunia proud. I worked really hard on that drawing
and was super excited to give it to her…"

Harry felt the familiar pain of rejection squeezing his heart. His eyes began to burn and he
rubbed them, refusing to cry.

"When I gave her my drawing after school, she hated it. She ripped it up…called me a
freak…and told me I wasn't part of her family. I cried really hard… I think I threw a
tantrum…" Harry choked out. "I don't really remember but she ended up sending Uncle
Vernon to punish me. It's one of the first beatings I remember that was really bad."

Harry stopped talking, his whole body shaking harder than ever. And he felt himself closing
up again, unable to speak and he hated himself for it. Harry wanted to keep going, but it was
so hard. Harry's relatives had conditioned him to never speak up about his feelings. And a
phantom pain suddenly shot through his shoulder from the old injury. Harry clasped his hand
against it in shock. He'd never felt pain there before until now. Harry gasped out from the
sharp pain. What was happening to him?

"Harry!" Severus exclaimed at his sudden show of pain. His eyes were wide with shock and
horror from the story Harry revealed to him.

"Do you remember the proximity exercise you tried to do with me?" Harry continued,
rubbing at his shoulder, massaging out the pain and not letting Severus speak. He didn't want
to lose his courage to speak about his childhood.

When Remus had told Harry about his depression, leading Harry to admit that he'd tried
committing suicide, it caused fractures in Harry's brick wall. That brick wall was his mental
shield that he imagined, keeping all of his pain and childhood memories safely behind it. It
was where Harry imagined himself hiding when he felt himself closing up, whenever Severus
or anyone tried to talk to him about his feelings or when the Dursleys had hurt him. It was his
coping mechanism through the years.

And maybe those fractures in Harry's wall were the reason why he was plagued by
nightmares last night, why Harry suddenly wanted to tell Severus about them. Those
nightmares were based on painful childhood memories Harry had long ago buried, maybe
they had slipped through the cracks...

Remus may have caused the fractures, but Severus had crushed his wall with a
sledgehammer, by simply coming out to check on Harry, bringing him tea and making sure
he was warm, listening to him talk... The Dursleys never cared to think of Harry. He
remembered the last beating he received from Uncle Vernon, how he laid on that floor and no
one bothered to check on him. They never cared for Harry like parents should've, but Severus
did.

And at that realization, Harry's once strong but now fractured brick wall was crumbling
down, causing everything deep inside him to spill out, making him realize he could truly and
deeply trust Severus and Remus as parents. And that is what gave him the strength to not
close up, to keep talking….

As Severus nodded at his remembrance of the proximity exercise, tears began to fall down
Harry's cheeks, but he wiped them away. He couldn't cry yet. He had to tell his dad about his
nightmares, why he woke up wanting to cut and how he wanted to stop and be happy and
have a life, accomplish his goals…and this was the first step of getting there.

"I was so frustrated with that exercise, because it triggered this memory of the nightly
punishments I've told you about, and the monster that hid in the shadows… It was how I saw
my uncle when I was little." Harry took a deep breath, then said in a shaking voice, "I was
four years old… Uncle Vernon, he came home late after work, drunk and in an angry mood.
He grabbed me out of the cupboard by my arm. I was terrified…I was a little kid...and like
I've said, I thought he was a monster. I tried to get away from him. He yanked me out so
hard…he…"

More tears were coming out. Harry stopped, wiping them away in frustration. He didn't want
to cry. A steady hand suddenly rubbed his back, Harry for once, didn't flinch away, he leaned
into the touch.

"Go on, Harry, you're doing great," Severus encouraged. He didn't say anymore, just silently
waited for Harry to pull himself together.

Once Harry regained control of his breathing, he choked out, "He pulled my arm out of the
socket. I still remember the noise it made. I remember the pain and how loud I screamed.
When he realized what he'd done, he dropped me to the floor and left. The next morning,
Aunt Petunia popped it back into place, but she didn't talk to me about it. She didn't even ask
if I was okay….and whenever Uncle Vernon stood an arm-length away, he would grab me
into a beating, just like that night. That's why I got so triggered with that exercise. I wanted to
tell you this during the camping trip, I really did, Severus, but it was so hard…I was so angry
with you for pushing me!"

Harry didn't say anymore. His body was shaking so hard, yet he was glad that he hadn't
bursted out sobbing.

"Harry, the first thing I want to say is that I was wrong to push you with something that made
you uncomfortable. I apologize for ever making you feel that way. And I want you to
understand that you didn't deserve to be hurt. None of it was your fault. Your aunt and uncle
should've been locked away for the abuse they've put you through!"

Flinching at the word abuse, Harry's gaze went down to the tea he was holding in his hands.
The steam wafting off of it was visible in the cold air.

Severus must've seen the flinch, he gently pulled the mug out of Harry's shaking hands,
placing it on the small side table near his own steaming mug of black coffee and the bluebell
jar.

"I really want you to see that those were not punishments. They abused you, Harry."
They've had this lecture so many times already, and Harry knew Severus was speaking the
truth. Harry wasn't in denial anymore. Now it was the acceptance of being abused that was
causing him so much pain and turmoil inside.

"I know… I know they did. It was just easier to believe that I deserved the beatings as
punishments from something I did. Then simply being beaten because they just hated me and
didn't care if I was hurting. Severus, I… I…was abused," Harry made himself say, and once
the words were out, he felt sort of free. Like an inch of his childhood pain was soothed as he
verbally admitted that he was abused, that he was finally talking about it. That feeling gave
him the strength to go on talking to his father.

"I was abused, and Aunt Petunia, she let it happen! She didn't care enough to protect me, she
was supposed to protect me. What's wrong with me?"

"My son, there is nothing wrong with you," Severus' voice choked, causing Harry to look up,
shocked to see his dad's dark eyes bright with unshed tears.

"What those muggles did to you, it was unspeakable. There is nothing wrong with you,
nothing you could've done to prevent them from raising you like that. It was their choice, and
not all your fault. You deserved to have your artwork to be hung up on that fridge. You
deserved the most loving family. They are the true monsters, the freaks for what they've done,
not you!"

Harry pulled his gaze back towards the frozen lake at Severus' words, feeling a bit self-
conscious. He'd never thought of himself as someone who deserved to have a loving family.
It always seemed like a privilege that a freak like him could never have.

"Look at me…" Severus said gently. Harry slowly raised his gaze back to the professor's dark
eyes, which were still bright with tears, reflecting the sorrow and pain that was heard in his
voice as he spoke. "I know you're thinking that you didn't deserve to have loving parents as a
child. I know you're thinking of yourself as a freak, that you might've deserved to be abused.
Don't let them win by believing those lies, that you don't deserve anything but hate and pain.
You deserve much more than that."

"Dad…" Harry could only say, his voice raw with pain.

"Harry, I love you very much. Nothing makes me happier than having you as my son. The
Dursleys missed out on knowing you, that is the real punishment for their crimes. It's what
prevents me from going right now to Privet Drive to punch the living daylights out of your
uncle for what he's done to you. It breaks my heart to learn the pain he'd put you through, the
emotional neglect your aunt did to you. They will never know the kind-hearted kid you are
now, and the strong young man you're growing into. They are missing out on having you as
their son, and I feel sorry for them."

"Severus, I…"

I love you, too... Harry desperately wanted to say, but those simple words, full of meaning,
were trapped inside him. And so he could only say, "I'm sorry, it seems like I don't appreciate
you…it's just hard…like, I don't even call you dad as often as I should. I'm not used to having
someone care for me like a son…but I want to get better, I want to be strong and stop cutting.
I want to enjoy my life, I'm ready to fight for it, dad."

Why is it so hard for me to say I love you back? Harry silently thought.

It wasn't as if he hadn't said it before. Harry had managed to say it once during the summer,
after Severus depleted his magical core to pull Remus out of his wolf-state-of-mind. Harry
remembered the fear at the thought of losing Severus, especially because during that time, he
was just starting to feel safe with him, accepting him as his guardian. And Harry realized he
didn't want to feel that again, the fear of losing Severus without ever telling him how much
he loved him.

And Harry mentally added, Tell Severus I love him, to his list.

"Hey, there's no need to apologize. Take all the time you need, I'm here. I'm not going
anywhere." Tears finally escaped Severus' eyes and he pulled Harry into a tight hug. "Just
remember that, kid, I love you, no matter what happens…"

"Dad…" Harry said as he hugged Severus back. He was shocked to see him cry and Harry
tried to say it again, in hopes to make his dad feel better… I love you, too…but it was another
chance Harry couldn't take.

And Harry wondered what Severus was thinking to make him break, to finally let himself cry
in front of Harry. And he suddenly thought over what Severus had just said…no matter what
happens… Did this have something to do with that strange look in the professor's eyes that
Harry would often see?

"You know something about the war," Harry blurted out.

At those words, Severus pulled out of the hug, staring directly into Harry's eyes. The pain in
his dark eyes was strong. And Harry knew his suspicions of Severus bearing a secret was
confirmed.

"One day, you will understand. Just please remember what I've said to you, remember this
moment. Trust me."

And without a heartbeat, Harry replied, "I trust you."

He knew Severus had his reasons for why he couldn't tell him. It was because of the war,
most likely on Dumbledore's orders. And just Severus admitting there was something he was
hiding, yet couldn't reveal it to him, was all Harry needed. This time, no fighting, no
arguments, he was just going to accept the fact that Severus had secrets. He was just going to
trust him.

"The nightmares you had, were they about these memories you've told me?" Severus asked,
as he handed Harry back his tea.

Harry drank the warm tea, soothing the nerves in his stomach, just enough to pick up a piece
of toast and nibble on it. It had been a while since he'd properly eaten. He didn't notice the
small smile flash across his dad's face at the sight of him eating.

"Whenever you're ready you may continue," Severus said, drinking his own coffee and
helping himself to another piece of toast.

Once they've both eaten and finished their warm drinks, did Harry begin to describe the
nightmares centered around those memories. How he was paralyzed in his nightmares,
screaming for help. Until Harry awoke in the early dawn hours in fear and triggered to cut.
How he couldn't look in the mirror at his own reflection, afraid to see the freak that Aunt
Petunia shouted at him in his dreams. When Harry mentioned the pain in his shoulder,
Severus stopped him.

"You woke up and it was hurting?"

Harry nodded.

"How often does that happen?"

"This is the first time it's happened…when I dreamed about it."

"The pain can just be psychological. Do you mind if Madam Pomfrey does a scan on you
later? To see if there was any damage, just in case."

"No, I don't mind," Harry shrugged.

"You've mentioned the mirror a few times in your nightmares, can we talk about that?"

Harry only shrugged, thinking how he could barely look at his reflection the past few days,
ever since his relapse. His self-esteem had plummeted down again to how it was during the
past summer. His Aunt Petunia's words Freak whispering in his mind every time he caught
his reflection.

"I know you're going to say I'm not a freak. It's just sometimes, it's hard to believe you…and
sometimes I can. This past weekend I could barely look at myself. I think my relapse affected
my self-esteem. I think that's why I dreamed of the bathroom mirror last night."

"I think so too…" Severus said. "Can you close your eyes for me? I want you to remember
when I conjured up the mirror for you, during our camping trip. Do you know what I'm
talking about?"

Harry remembered that day. It was the morning when he failed to jump, Severus had found
him. They were walking back to camp when he stopped their walk to conjure up the mirror,
making Harry see his reflection. Making him find the lost child Harry used to be before Aunt
Petunia forced him to believe that he was a freak.

Harry closed his eyes, focusing on that memory. Remembering his reflection that day.

"Yes, I remember."
"Do you mind if I conjure the mirror up again? I simply want to remind you who you are,
son, the person Remus and I see, not the freak Petunia Dursley has made you believe."

"I'm okay with it," Harry said, a bit uncertain.

"Speculo!" Severus said. "You may open your eyes now."

Harry slowly opened his eyes, and was met by his reflection. And to him, it looked distorted.
He looked like a freak, a weak kid who couldn't handle his depression and resorted to cutting
himself. He hated what he saw, and he desperately tried to cling onto the positive thoughts of
wanting to stop cutting, of having a life and the things he wanted to do, but it was hard being
faced with his distorted reflection, reminding him how he'd lost control that evening.

"Severus…" Harry's voice shook.

"I'm here, son. Now tell me, what do you see?"

Harry suddenly remembered himself as that little kid, long ago, before the mirror. When he
was younger, he used to fight against Aunt Petunia's disdain for him. He used to try ways to
get her to love him. Like drawing her pictures, following her around and helping her with
chores. He'd always tried to see the good in his aunt, no matter how much she hated him.
Then one morning, after Harry's first real sign of accidental magic, she forced him to stand in
front of the mirror, forcing him to call himself a freak. Harry flinched at the memory, seeing
what Aunt Petunia saw, a reflection of the freak he was.

"I see myself as a freak, just like she said. A weak and pathetic kid who cuts himself. Messy
hair and green eyes, too skinny, and with scars on his arms. I can't…" Harry choked out.

"Harry, look deeper. Do you know what I see?"

Harry shook his head.

"I don't see a freak. I only see you. Find yourself, son."

And just like the first time when Severus made Harry look at his reflection in the mirror,
Harry examined his reflection even closer, trying to find that lost child that he had once
gotten a glimpse of. The small boy that still fought against his aunt's mental abuse, the one
that still tried to see the good in her. It was hard, what Aunt Petunia did to him that day was
worse than any beating Uncle Vernon had ever given him. And anger began to rise in him,
making his stomach queasy.

"Severus, I can't find… I… I…" Harry didn't know what to say.

He wanted to say that he couldn't find himself, that he couldn't find the boy he once was, but
he sounded crazy! Harry felt like he was going mad with these thoughts in his head, and it
was all her fault!

"I hate her for doing this to me!" Harry snapped out. "I hate her for forcing me into believing
I'm a freak! I'm not a freak! I'm not, I'm not bad! I just wanted her to love me!"
And the sudden anger turned into hurt, into the rejection that Harry refused to let himself feel
for so long. It came out of his crumbled down brick wall, raw and powerful. Harry, feeling
the strong emotions, bursted into tears, letting out a strangled sob. He finally let himself cry.

Severus pulled Harry close against him. Wrapping him into a tight hug, his dad whispered
words of comfort to him until the pain began to cease and he felt numb with grief for what
Petunia had done to him.

And when Harry finally looked back at the mirror, still floating in front of them, Harry
realized his reflection no longer looked distorted. He was finally seeing the lost child he once
was, the one who used to believe in the good in everyone, who saw the good in his aunt, no
matter how horribly she treated him.

"I see me," Harry whispered, causing Severus to hug him tighter for a brief moment before
waving the mirror away.

"I see you too," Severus whispered back, then said in a louder voice, "I'm so proud of you,
Harry, thank you for finally trusting me enough to talk to me. And forgive me for conjuring
up that mirror and forcing your reflection on you. I just wanted you to express the emotions
you've been holding inside, from all the pain you've endured from your relatives. It's the only
way to take care of these nightmares. They are the result of you closing yourself up. And
whenever you have more nightmares, Remus and I will always be around to help you through
them."

Harry nodded. "You're right… I don't even feel like cutting anymore."

Those words were true, Harry had finally stopped shaking. His stomach, feeling tight from
nerves and hunger, was finally feeling better and full from the tea and toast. He was so glad
he didn't cut himself up. He was glad he talked to Severus…this feeling was so much better
than the relief of a blade….

Then Harry gave Severus an expectant look. "It's your turn now."

"You're right," Severus replied, thinking for a few moments, then began to tell his story.

"My dad was a muggle, and my mom, she hid the magical side of her until after I was born,
after I experienced my first signs of early magic. She waited so long, because she was afraid
he'll leave her," Severus began.

"When I was seven, I wanted my dad to play with me, but he was busy. He was reading, and
he told me to be patient, to wait until he was done. I got angry and my accidental magic
caused his book to fly across the room. It freaked my dad out. He was shocked, afraid, and he
grabbed me by the arm and locked me in the bathroom. I cried for him to let me out." Severus
stopped, taking a deep breath before continuing.

Harry could see how tense Severus was, that it was hard for him to talk about his childhood,
just like how it was hard for Harry to talk about his nightmares.
"I wasn't let out until my mom came home that night. My dad had drunk the whole afternoon.
He was drunk by the time she'd come home. They were fighting when she slammed open the
door, hugged me, and made me go to my room. I could hear their argument through the walls.
That was the first night he'd hit her."

Severus stopped, his eyes glazed over as he was lost in the memory.

"He was never the same after that. The dad I knew has been gone since that terrible day."

Severus suddenly looked at Harry, his dark eyes full of grief and hurt.

"I used to blame myself, Harry, just like how you blame yourself for being bad and believing
you were receiving punishments rather than being abused. Do you see the similarities?"

Harry only nodded.

And Severus continued. "For the longest time, I had blamed myself for my dad becoming an
alcoholic, abusive and angry towards my mom and I… I used to think if I'd controlled my
emotions a bit better that day, if I'd only done what he said, then that wouldn't have happened.
Overtime, I grew to learn that it wasn't my fault at all. It was his own choices that had caused
my father to lose himself, not me. He could've handled the truth better, but he chose to drink
away his life. Just like it isn't your fault that the Dursleys hated you for simply being magical.
It was their choices on how they had handled you.

Harry, this is me saying to you that I understand the impact the Dursleys' blame and hatred
had on you as you grew up."

Harry found his gaze locked onto Severus' dark eyes as the professor spoke, and for the first
time, Harry was able to maintain eye contact for a good while without feeling uncomfortable.

"I understand the childhood pain, the rejection and longing to be loved by those who were
supposed to care for you. I understand, just like how Remus said he understood your
depression. And I'm so proud that you told him about your attempted suicide. You don't know
how amazing you are, son, by having the courage to talk about one of your darkest moments.
I just wish you could see that."

Taking in the words his dad was saying to him, Harry indeed felt seen and understood. He felt
loved. It was everything that he had craved for as a kid. He finally found it in Severus and in
Remus as well. And that moment was what made Harry hold on tightly to his resolutions, to
try his very best to not cut anymore, to try and see himself better; as not a freak. He wanted to
be strong, ready to fight Voldemort so he could live a happy life with his two dads.

And Harry was going to try to say those three words again… I love you…when a gentle
knock on the door interrupted their conversation and Harry lost his brief courage.

Remus stepped out onto the porch, wrapped in a blanket, his graying golden hair a mess.

"So this is where you two are hiding. It's freezing out here."
Harry quickly turned to see Severus' face expression softened at the sight of the sleepy
werewolf. He didn't miss the way his dad's eyes lingered on Remus for a moment, before
shyly looking away. It caused Harry to smile.

"Why don't we warm up inside, Harry?" Severus suggested, his dark eyes warm with
affection, gazing down at him.

And seeing that made Harry feel very happy, happier than he'd felt in a long time.

And he really wanted to say those three words to both of the men on that porch with him, but
instead…

"Yeah, can we have a movie day before we go back to Hogwarts?" Harry asked, mentally
berating himself for being too afraid to say it.

What is wrong with me?

"Cub, you were just reading my mind. Have you seen Back to the Future?" Remus asked.

"Only parts of it. I wasn't really allowed to hang out with Dudley and his friends when they
watched it."

"I don't watch muggle pictures," Severus frowned.

"Oh, Severus," Remus sighed. "I can't be friends with you if you've never seen Back to the
Future." Causing Severus to scowl out loud in annoyance and Harry to laugh.

After spending nearly the whole day watching three muggle movies called Back to the
Future, which Severus found a bit entertaining, yet couldn't help rolling his eyes at the
obsession Harry and Remus seemed to share for them, they were back at Hogwarts.

He was in the kitchen, making dinner for Harry who was catching up on his weekend
homework in his room, and for Remus who was sitting at the kitchen table, softly playing his
guitar and stopping every few moments to write something down. Severus had invited Remus
to stay for dinner before returning to his own quarters. It was nice having the werewolf
constantly around, and Severus wasn't ready to say goodbye just yet.

As Severus cooked, he thought again about Remus' and Harry's enthusiasm with the muggle
movies that he couldn't share. Perhaps, because it was a bit hard for Severus to understand,
which he'll never admit to them. Watching the muggle movies made Severus realize that he
was growing out of touch with the muggle world and their technology.

Severus then lost himself in thoughts of Harry and the emotional and long conversation they
had shared that morning. When Severus awoke, he spotted Harry sitting outside on the porch
swing through the window, lost in thought. At first, Severus was afraid Harry might've hurt
himself again, but was then surprised at how determined he was to tell Severus why he was
out there, and the progress his son had suddenly made. It seemed like the weekend getaway
was exactly what Harry needed. Severus also felt like Harry's relapse had sort of snapped him
out of it, preventing him from succumbing deeper into his depression and giving him the
strength to hold on and the will to try to stop his self-harm.

Severus turned to take something out of the icebox and found himself staring at the bare
closed door. With Harry in mind and the stories of his childhood he revealed, suddenly
Severus had an idea. He lowered the flames of the stove and turned to Remus.

"Can you watch this for a minute? I have to get something."

Remus nodded. Severus watched as the wolf put down his guitar, standing up and making his
way to the stove, before heading quickly to his bedroom.

Severus riffled quickly through his research notes and books, looking for the drawings until
he found them wedged in one of his research books on child abuse.

Severus studied the pictures. He hadn't looked at them in months. Harry didn't even know
they were in his possession. One of them was a drawing of a small Harry holding hands
between Lily and James Potter. The word My Family was scribbled in blue crayon. The
clouds and sun symbolized that the stick figures were all spirits.

When Severus had first laid eyes on this drawing months ago, he had felt like it was a sign of
suicide or childhood depression. He still felt that way, studying the drawing a second time. A
child drawing himself with his dead parents in the sky, wasn't a normal thing for a child to
draw.

Severus frowned, flipping the picture underneath the next one.

The second drawing in his possession was just as dark. Severus observed it carefully. It was
of a young Harry sleeping in his cupboard, dreaming of green light. Black crayon resembled
the dark hallway filled with monsters that resembled Vernon Dursley.

The monster in the shadows…

Severus had forgotten how dark he thought this drawing was. How the signs of abuse were
clearly drawn into it. Now knowing more about Harry's past and the nightly punishments,
Severus felt like he understood even more about the pain a young Harry must've been in as he
drew this.

Did you draw this before or after it happened?

And with his gaze still on the drawing, Severus remembered the story Harry told him, about
his arm being pulled out of the socket, and for a moment he could hear the young Harry's
screams in his head. Severus felt tears well up from behind his eyes.

Severus sighed, these drawings wouldn't do. He didn't want to trigger Harry every time he
wanted to get something out of the ice box. He put the drawings back inside the book. He'll
have to pay a quick visit to the Dursleys.

Severus made his way back to the kitchen.

"Remus, can you take over the cooking and watch Harry for me? Just for an hour at the most.
There's something I need to do."

"Certainly, Severus, this will be ready by the time you return."

Severus didn't waste another minute. He left his quarters and walked quickly out of the castle
with his black robes billowing behind him to the Apparition point. He hoped this sudden
journey to Privet Drive wasn't for nothing and he was successful in his search for more of
Harry's old childhood artwork.

Within seconds, Severus appeared right in front of Privet Drive with a loud pop, causing the
alarms of the muggle vehicles to go off. Severus waved his wand, silencing the blaring noise.
He quickly tapped roughly against the door of the Dursley's home, but all the lights were off
and there was no answer. It looked like no one was home on an early Sunday night; Severus
couldn't believe his luck.

"Alohomora," he whispered, then quickly slipped inside and relocked the door.

"Lumos," Severus whispered again, the tip of his wand casting light in the dark hallways as
he quickly went to the cupboard.

Severus opened the small door and pulled on the string that lit up a dim and flickering light
bulb. He'd forgotten how small this cupboard was. Refusing to imagine a small Harry laying
on the broken cot, afraid and alone in the dark and cramped space, Severus wasted no time.

He quickly began looking through the shelves that were full of cleaning chemicals, rags and
broken toys, until he found a shoebox. He opened it and it revealed old stumpy and broken
crayons and a few drawings. Severus stored the box in his robes, glancing around for
anything else he might've missed, before deciding to make his departure as quickly as
possible.

Severus didn't return to his quarters right away. He sat on the steps of the castle, going
through the drawings. They were old, some of Harry's drawings were on bits of old paper.
Most of them were as dark as the other two in his possession. Except for one. It wasn't as old
as the others, the paper was still in good condition. The drawing was neater. As if Harry was
much older when he drew this. It was quite good actually, Severus never suspected that Harry
was good at art.

It was a flying motorcycle over the village with Harry on it.

Why a flying motorcycle? Severus wondered. The boy never showed much interest in muggle
transportation. Then Severus remembered how years ago, Hagrid had taken Harry to Privet
Drive on Black's old motorcycle. Could this drawing be based on a dream or a memory?
There was no way Harry would have remembered that, he was only a baby. Severus shrunk
the shoebox, stuffing it inside his pocket as he made his way back to his quarters, with the
peculiar drawing of the motorcycle in his hand.

Moments later, Severus had returned and was sticking the drawing on the door of the ice box.
Remus was standing at the stove, stirring food in a pot. Earlier that day, Harry had told
Remus about his nightmares and the conversation he and Severus had shared. So luckily,
Severus didn't have to explain the full backstory of what he was doing.

"Is that Harry's artwork as a kid?" Remus asked, stopping what he was doing for a moment to
observe the drawing of the motorcycle. "It's quite good for a child's drawing. Is that why you
left? To retrieve it?"

Severus nodded as he took over the cooking. "Luck was on the Dursley's side to choose to go
out tonight. They weren't home. I went into Harry's cupboard to find out if he had any
artwork. I found a box full of them."

"Does this have anything to do with what he'd told you this morning, about what his aunt did
to him?"

Severus nodded, and said, "During our talk this morning, I could hear the pain in his voice
when Harry told me that story. It's something he really wanted as a child. That conversation
we had…it was…I don't know…something broke in him. Harry opened up to me completely.
He's had his moments of opening up in the past, then closing back up again, but this time, I
think it's different. Harry was able to talk to me, able to look at me, he called me dad a lot. I
think I got through to him, I mean we, Remus, I think we got through to Harry. I really think
Harry's relapse made him see that he was drowning in his pain, and by me and you being
there during his darkest moment, it made him see that he could trust us. And I just wanted to
do this for him, grant him this one simple wish he had as a child… I don't know, maybe it's
stupid," Severus shrugged, hoping he made sense.

"No, Severus, I think this is a great idea."

Remus' eyes suddenly sparked with mischief. "Let's not tell Harry right away. Let's see if he
notices it."

Remus suddenly picked up the pitcher of pumpkin juice from the counter and placed it back
into the ice box. "When he comes in, we'll tell him to grab the pumpkin juice."

"Careful, Remus, your Marauder side is showing," Severus chuckled. "This is about ready,
you did a nice job. I'm curious to try your cooking."

"Don't expect much, I'm no cook," Remus said as he placed dinner dishes on the table and
then started clearing up his muggle notebook and pens.

"What were you writing?" Severus asked him as he placed a salad bowl on the table.

"Um, a song I've been working on for a while. I don't have much, just a tune and a chorus,"
Remus blushed.

"Can I hear it?" Severus asked. "I didn't know you were a songwriter."

"Not really… It's sort of stupid."

"I won't think it's stupid. Everything you do is brilliant, except maybe Potions."
"Yeah, I suck at Potions and maybe cooking."

Their eyes met, and Severus realized that if the universe allowed it, he could stare into those
hazel-green depths forever. And he genuinely wanted to know what Remus was working on,
he didn't realize music was so important to Remus. Severus thought the werewolf carried the
guitar around because it reminded him of Black. Then he'd witnessed Remus working hard
on his guitar before Severus took his quick trip to Privet Drive. And he realized…that song
he had once heard Remus singing alone in his office…did Remus write that for Black?

Say something, I'm giving up on you

I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you

Anywhere I would've followed you

Say something, I'm giving up on you

And Severus remembered the raw pain and emotions that were heard in Remus' voice that
night, the emotions that were triggered in Severus as well. That song was gut-wrenchingly
beautiful. Severus wondered if one day Remus would ever feel as strongly towards him as he
once did for Black, enough to write something like that for him.

With each passing day, Severus was falling more and more for this werewolf standing in his
kitchen, with his guitar and messy golden and grey hair, with his mischievous hazel-green
eyes that sometimes shone golden. And the fact that he was indeed brilliant in everything he
did, perfect, yet complicated and beautiful with flaws that Severus could relate to. Remus
Lupin, who had this magic about him, in which Severus always found it natural to be himself
around him.

And thinking about the lyrics of that song, Severus understood the pain and grief Remus held
inside himself, hindering him from considering giving Severus a chance. Severus understood
that Remus wasn't ready to fall in love again, and was trying his best to respect that decision
by resigning to the fact that he'll spend the rest of the year pining after the werewolf in
miserable silence. And strangely, Severus was okay with that. Especially since there was no
use starting anything with Remus, when Albus' task was hanging over Severus' head.

Severus was used to crushing hard on people who couldn't love him back... Story of my life,
Severus thought to himself, thinking briefly of Lily and the old feelings he once had for her.

But it was so hard with the presence of Remus being around. It was easy for Severus to forget
all of his reasons to be cautious.

Remus sighed in defeat at Severus' gaze. "Okay… Just don't laugh."

"I would never."

Remus picked up his guitar, playing the melody Severus had been hearing him work on. It
was beautiful, soothing, heartbreaking and hopeful all at the same time.
And then Remus began to sing. Severus hadn't heard his voice in a while. He had forgotten
how beautiful and entrancing it was.

"Fall on me

With open arms

Fall on me

From where you are Fall on me

With all your light with all your light

With all your light…"

And Remus stopped singing, only playing the guitar softly for a few moments. Before gazing
into Severus' eyes, waiting for a response.

"That was beautiful, Remus. Is that…?" Severus, unable to finish his sentence, suddenly
couldn't breathe. Those lyrics…they sounded familiar.

"They are based on what you've told me when we were sitting in my quarters and I told you
about the dreams I was having of you, that turned out to be memories. Your phrase fall on me
just stuck in my mind, and that night, after you know…"

Remus' cheeks blushed, and Severus knew the night he was talking about. It was that first
night at the cabin, after Harry went to bed, and Severus and Remus were by the mantle
talking, when Severus had slipped up and accidentally pulled Remus close to him.

"That night I couldn't sleep. And for some reason that phrase was in my head. I kept turning
it over and over until I began to write this…" Remus picked up his notebook.

Severus could see Remus was really shy talking about the inspiration of his songwriting, and
it touched him deeply for Remus to confide in him.

"I'm not much of a songwriter or expect anything to come out of it… It just distracts me
sometimes from my depression…"

"Well, that sounded fantastic to me. I'm curious to see how it'll turn out," Severus only
managed to say, hating how stupid he was sounding. Why can't I say something more
meaningful?

"Thank you, Severus," Remus smiled.

Severus wished he could say more, like how beautiful he thought Remus' voice was and how
those lyrics, just a few simple words spoke to him deep inside. They had so much meaning in
them that only Severus and Remus could understand…they came from one of their deep
conversations. Severus was so touched that Remus decided to write a song based on
something he'd said.
What does he mean by writing that? Does this mean Remus is thinking about giving me a
chance? Is it a sign that he's ready? Do I mean something to him, just as much as he means
to me? And remembering how it felt when Severus was pulling Remus close that night, he
remembered those eyes on Severus' lips. Did he want to kiss me that night? Should I just kiss
him now and see if he kisses me back?

And Severus, lost in his thoughts, realized that he hadn't said anything in return.

Remus was still waiting, holding his notebook close to his chest, his eyes tinged with gold
and his cheeks blushing from their conversation. Severus' stomach was suddenly feeling as if
there were a million butterflies fluttering as fast as his beating heart, causing his legs to go
numb. And he didn't know what to say to Remus. He didn't want to say or do something
again that would make the werewolf feel uncomfortable.

Like kissing you….

And at the right moment, Harry came out of his room, taking away the sudden and awkward
tension between them.

"Hey, kid, dinner is about ready, why don't you get us the pitcher of pumpkin juice in the ice
box?" Severus said, pushing away his emotions, putting his mask back on. He couldn't let
Harry or Remus see how much he was inwardly shaking at the thought of Remus and his
lyrics. At the thought of what might've happened if he had just kissed him.

Remus smiled at Severus, the shyness in his eyes now replaced with mischief.

Harry nodded, opening the ice box door and grabbing the pitcher of pumpkin juice. The door
closed. Severus watched him staring at the picture, waiting to see how he'd react.

"Dad…"

Severus walked silently towards the boy, stopping right behind him and Harry suddenly
turned around and hugged him so tight. And Severus caught off guard for a second, couldn't
breathe.

"I love you," Harry whispered, and those words meant the world to Severus as he hugged his
son tightly.
 A Starry Night
Chapter Summary

🥹
I was too excited to wait next weekend to post this chapter, please let me know your
thoughts

Chapter Thirteen - A Starry Night

The sky was a pale-blue with a frosty chill and hardly a cloud in the sky as Remus, dressed in
his old threadbare brown robes and Gryffindor scarf, cheered on the Gryffindor Quidditch
team as they assembled out to their names being called. Severus was sitting besides Remus,
wearing his usual black robes and his Slytherin scarf. Sitting together on the very back of the
stands, on the top row, they had a very good vantage point of the skies.

"Without Draco Malfoy as Seeker, this game should be quick and easy," Minerva
McGonagall winked at Severus. She was just passing by them on the way down to her seat
next to Zacharias Smith, who was commentating today's match.

Severus scowled, "I didn't boot him off the team for your benefit, Minerva!" But she didn't
answer as she took her seat. Then Severus said to Remus, "That trophy needs to come back to
my office, if Minerva gets it another year…"

"The captains are about to shake hands! Look at our kid, Severus!" Remus whispered proudly
out of earshot, only for Severus to hear. Remus was hoping to pull Severus out of the grumpy
mood he'd been in during the past week, since he was forced to replace Malfoy's Seeker
position on the Slytherin team.

"I know, I see him," Severus whispered back, his eyes on Harry stepping forward ahead of his
team, dressed in his Gryffindor Quidditch robes and holding onto his Firebolt. "Slytherin
could really use Harry on their team. I mean he's sort of an honorary Slytherin now that he
lives with me in the dungeons."

"No, you're not taking our captain!" Remus laughed as they watched Harry shake hands with
the new Slytherin Captain, Urquhart. "You'll have to get past me and Minerva!"

"Everyone, mount your brooms! The game's about to start!" Madam Hooch commanded
under the Amplifying Charm. "Now, take off on my whistle…three…two…one!"

The shrill sound of the whistle split the excitement-filled air, followed by louder cheering
from the spectators on the stands. Blurs of red and green shot up into the air.

"Come on, Harry, show those Slytherin slimeballs what your team is made of!" Remus called
out, watching Harry soaring up fast through the frosty air and zooming around the Quidditch
field, no doubt in search of the golden snitch already. For a brief second, Remus couldn't help
but feel like he was back in the past, watching James flying around the field like that as a
Chaser.

Harry suddenly zoomed past the faculty stands, followed by the Slytherin Seeker, ruffling the
hair and loose articles of clothing of the Professors and staff.

"Come on, son, go easy on my team," Severus muttered. His voice was so low against the
cheers of the faculty, that Remus was the only one able to hear him.

Ignoring Zacharias Smith's biased commentary of Harry on his choice of having Ron as
Keeper, Remus turned his gaze onto the quaffle, just in time to see Ron saving Gryffindor
from a Slytherin score. The quaffle was then taken by Dean Thomas, flying his way through
the Slytherin Chasers, dodging a bludger aimed at his head just in time and passing the
quaffle along to Ginny. She scored so fast, the Slytherin Keeper barely had any time to react.

Remus cheered along with the Gryffindor supporters at the sound of the score bell. Severus
scowled at the Slytherin team.

Remus laughed and nudged his shoulder with his own. "How about we make a bet?"

"No, my team is already getting slammed!" Severus scowled again at the bell ringing for
another Gryffindor score.

"It'll be in your favor," Remus laughed. "Whoever's team wins, has to buy the loser a drink."

Severus tore his eyes away from the game, gazing at Remus who grinned mischievously.

Severus shook his head in exasperation, "Fine, Lupin. If you're so confident about Slytherin
losing, then you're on!"

"Let's shake on it," Remus chuckled, holding out his hand.

"Is that really necessary?"

"Yes."

"Merlin, your hand is cold!" Severus suddenly held onto Remus' hands, rubbing them for
warmth. "Why are you always cold?"

Remus for a moment, couldn't answer. His heart just leaped out of his chest. He could only
stare at Severus, lost in a daze.

Suddenly another sound of the score bell for Gryffindor rang loudly, pulling Remus back to
reality. He pulled his hands away, shoving them in the pockets of his robes as Remus turned
his attention back to the game.

Remus spotted Harry flying around the pitch. It had been a week since Harry's last relapse
and the weekend trip to the cabin. Severus was right. Harry needed to get out of the castle. As
soon as Monday morning arrived, Harry had thrown himself into Quidditch practice
schedules, spending every evening preparing for this game.

A half hour had passed, and it seemed like Gryffindor was going to have an easy win. They
were sixty points to zero. Ginny was a force to be reckoned with on that broom, making her a
target to Smith's biased commentary. Ron was doing fantastic as well, even joining in on the
singing Gryffindor supporters: "Weasley is Our King!"

"He thinks he's something special today, doesn't he?"Remus heard the voice, just as he saw
Harper, the Slytherin Seeker almost knocked Harry off his broom.

"Your blood traitor pal…" Harper suddenly flew ahead.

Remus suppressed a growl deep in his chest at Harper being vile towards his cub. Among the
angry protests of Gryffindor supporters, Remus shouted out, "Get him, Harry, knock him off
his broom! Don't let him talk to you that way!" Remus' eyes glued on Harry flying after
Harper.

"And you say I'm a bad influence." Severus gently nudged Remus' shoulder, his eyes on his
son.

"Did you hear what Harper just said to him? That nasty little bugger!"

And then suddenly, the stands went quiet. Harper and Harry were racing after the snitch, but
Harper was too close. There was no way Harry would catch up in time.

"Oi! Harper!" Remus heard Harry yell out in desperation. "How much did Malfoy pay you to
replace him?"

"That's right, cub! Fight dirty! Give Harper a taste of his old medicine!" Remus shouted.

Harry's jeer distracted Harper, causing him to let the snitch get away from him. Harry took
his chance, swiping the golden snitch out of the air.

"Yes!" Harry shouted, followed by the screams coming from the stands around him.

Remus cringed at the loud noise hitting against his sensitive werewolf eardrums, but the pain
was worth it to see his cub so full of excitement for his team's win. No one deserved this
more than Harry and his strong hard-working team.

"Ginny, where are you going?!" Remus heard Harry yell.

Remus turned his attention on Ginny, who was flying fast towards the faculty stands where
Smith was sitting.

"Look out!" Remus shouted. The faculty around Smith screamed, dodging out of the way as
she crashed into him.

Harry and the rest of the Gryffindor team joined her on the stands as she was getting scolded
by Minerva. Harry briefly hugged Ginny, laughing at what she'd done. Remus turned towards
Severus to see him watching as well.

"It's nice to see him happy," Severus muttered, leaning over, his breath warm against Remus'
ear.

Remus tore his eyes away from Harry and his friends, and towards Severus. His face inches
away from Severus', close enough to kiss if Remus dared to. "Are you coming to terms with
your sad defeat?" he asked innocently.

Severus rolled his eyes. "I need to leave. Seeing Gryffindors this happy is making me sick."

Remus laughed. "Okay, I see you're still being a sore loser… I'll come with you. How about
we get some drinks in the village? I owe you one, remember?"

"That sounds wonderful." Severus reached over, pulling gently on the ends of Remus' tattered
Gryffindor scarf. "Maybe, I should get you a Slytherin scarf to replace this old thing?"

"Oh no you don't," Remus laughed. "I only accept Gryffindor colors, thank you very much."
He then stood up. "Just let me go say congrats to Harry before we leave."

"Can you tell him I'm proud of him? There's too many people around for me to tell him
myself. I'm supposed to hate him still," Severus said as he stood up as well.

"Of course I will."

"Thank you, wolf."

Remus could hear in Severus' voice that he was downhearted at the fact that he couldn't
congratulate his own son himself. As Remus made his way down the stairs towards the
commentator's box, where Harry and his teammates were standing, Remus hoped that
perhaps after the war, Severus and Harry wouldn't have to act like enemies out in public any
longer.

After congratulating the Weasleys and the rest of the team, Remus pulled Harry into a big
bear hug, the ones Sirius used to give. And maybe it was because of the excitement of
winning the game or he was among people who loved him, Harry didn't flinch away. He
accepted the hug with one in return for Remus.

"That was a James Potter/Sirius Black move, if I've ever seen one!" Remus praised his cub.

Harry grinned sheepishly. "I was desperate!"

"I'm proud of you and your teammates, Harry, congrats! You guys really deserve this win."

Harry laughed, "Thanks, Remus."

Remus pulled Harry away from the others, casually pointing Severus out of the moving
crowd. He was standing at the stairwell ready to leave.
"Severus wanted to tell you himself that he's proud of you. He just couldn't with everyone
around."

"I understand." Harry looked up, catching Severus' eye, who gave him a quick and small
smile.

"Is he upset about Slytherin losing?" Harry asked, switching his attention back to Remus.

"You bet!" Remus laughed. "Go, have fun with your friends tonight. You deserve it, cub. I'll
take care of the old man, take him down to the village for a drink or two. We'll see you later."

"That was some game!" Remus exclaimed as he and Severus walked down the path towards
Hogsmeade. The sun provided them with minimal warmth as Remus and Severus walked far
ahead of the celebrating Hogwarts professors who had the same idea as them.

"Did you see Ron saving those goals? And Ginny! She could really join a professional team
one day if she wanted to. She had the Slytherin Chasers scared out of their wits. And Harper,
that slimy Slytherin! I'm glad Harry had to resort to playing dirty to catch the snitch, gave
Harper a taste of his old medicine!"

"Are you done?" Severus snapped.

"You're just being a sore loser," Remus huffed.

Severus only rolled his eyes. "Merlin…" he muttered. "I thought book nerds like you didn't
care for Quidditch."

"I only care for it when my cub is on the team," Remus grinned. "But you have to admit,
Severus, Harry really pulled his team together. Especially with Ron being a mess during his
first game. And what Harry has told me, what he's like during practice… I guess Ron had
some sort of confidence boost today. And replacing Katie Bell with Dean Thomas, that boy is
another talented one in the air. I understand now why Harry felt threatened by Thomas…"

"Yeah, I see your point. I'm proud of Harry, especially after everything that's happened. He
really does deserve the win, I just wish it wasn't against Slytherin. If only Draco would've
pulled his act together in time and completed his missing assignments, showed up for
detention for once, and stop sleeping in class, then maybe Slytherin could've had a chance!"

"Malfoy sounds like he isn't doing so well…"

"It's the task…he won't let me help him. He keeps pushing me away. I'm so close to just
giving up, letting him fuck it up… And then he could see how stupid he's being!"

Remus was the only Order member who knew of the task, but not knowing what it was like
Harry. Without Albus' knowledge Severus had told him about it very briefly, not giving much
away, and again, Remus didn't ask questions. He knew Severus had no choice, he knew
Severus wasn't allowed to reveal that information. It frustrated Remus sometimes to know
that Severus had secrets from him. Everyday Remus was opening up more to Severus.
Severus knew a lot about him, yet Remus didn't know much about him.

"Severus…"

"I don't know what to do, Remus."

"Just don't give up on him."

"I'm trying not to."

The village was covered in snow when Severus and Remus arrived, the crowd of Hogwarts
professors behind them turned their direction to the Three Broomsticks. Remus and Severus
searching for a quieter place, headed towards the Hogshead. The village wasn't as full as it
should've been for a Saturday, Remus guessed with the war growing closer each day, more
people just stayed at home these days, only going out when necessary.

"Drinks on me, Slytherin loser," Remus teased.

They spent the afternoon eating lunch and drinking spiked butterbeer in honor of Harry's win,
lost in easy conversation about their work week.

Once they were done, they decided to go to the bookshop. Severus had immediately
disappeared, talking about searching for new books from one of his favorite Potions Masters.

Remus wandered through the aisles of dusty books, finding himself in the used-book section
filled with fictional books meant for teens. Remus loved reading them when he was in
school. When he wasn't reading books on his favorite subjects, he was lost in these. No one
knew of his guilty pleasure in fantasy and adventure fiction, except for the other Marauders.
They used to tease Remus relentlessly for it.

Carefully fingering the spines, Remus suddenly found a dark-blue book with a black wolf
under a silver moon sewn onto the spine. It reminded Remus of his recent recurring dreams
of himself as Moony, running after a small black wolf that was always leading him out of the
dark forest, chasing a light ahead of the path, yet never reaching it. Remus pulled the book
out, flipping over the pages, the scent of old and dusty books invading his senses. Remus
found a spot on the windowsill and soon lost himself in the story.

It was almost like a fairytale, a wolf destined to be the next alpha of his pack, falls in love
with a human princess. He desperately wanted to become human in order to meet her. He
didn't want the path set out for him, he wanted to choose his own destiny. And encountering
an old hag who was the guardian of the moon in disguise, the wolf made a deal. He gave up
his soul to the moon, so that he could become human. As long as he turned back into a wolf
every full-moon.

Remus was so entranced by the story, that he didn't realize how much time had passed.
Severus found him, carrying a stack of wrapped-up books in his hands.
"There you are… What book have you lost yourself in?" Severus eyed the shelves around
them. "Is this the teen section?"

"It's nothing…" Remus quickly said, feeling embarrassed for reading a fantasy book meant
for teenagers. Remus stood up, stretching his sore limbs, then placed the book back on the
bookshelf. "Ready to go?"

"Almost…" Severus said, eyeing the book Remus left behind, but not asking anything about
it. "I'll meet you outside, I have one more question to ask the clerk."

They walked back towards Hogwarts in a comfortable silence. The air was growing colder,
the sky becoming darker as they climbed up the hill. Once they were at the top, they were
met with a distant view of the Shrieking Shack. Remus suddenly stopped, leaning on the
wooden fence, staring out at the shack.

"It's strange to see it from the outside sometimes," Remus admitted as Severus leaned on the
fence beside him. "At least in there, I have some light… The cage my father built in the cellar
was completely dark."

"I wish there was a better way to handle your changes. I see no reason to just have you do it
in the Room of Requirement. It can accommodate the wolf by turning into a forest. Also, the
Wolfsbane Potion allows you to keep most of your mind."

"You know that can't happen. The school board wants me in the shack. I'm lucky that they're
even still allowing me to teach, better not push it."

Severus turned towards Remus, his dark eyes suddenly shy. "Remus, I bought you this," he
said softly, handing Remus a wrapped-up book.

"Severus, you didn't have to do that!" Surprised, Remus turned his body towards Severus, his
eyes on the wrapped parcel.

Severus shrugged, "The way you were lost in it, I think I did." He handed it out to Remus.
"Please, take it."

Remus nodded, still in shock of Severus buying him a book. He took the parcel and opened
it. It was the blue book with the sewn wolf on its spine.

"Severus, thank you...for thinking of me..." Remus stuttered out.

"You know you don't have to hide anything from me," Severus said, his dark eyes reading
Remus' reaction.

"And I should say the same for you," Remus said, before he could stop himself.

"You know why I can't… I'm bound to Albus Dumbledore, bound by the Dark Lord,"
Severus frowned, his eyes back on the Shrieking Shack. "And I know you think I'm brave to
do what I do, Remus, there are terrible crimes that I've done in my past, with possibly more
to follow just so I don't lose my cover. If you knew…if you knew what I've done…would you
look at me the same way? Would you turn away from me? You see yourself as a monster, but
compared to me, you're just a puppy. You didn't choose to be a werewolf or to hurt those kids.
My choices led me to this situation I'm in, and there's no escaping it. If it were my choice, I
wouldn't be doing this for the war. I wouldn't be keeping secrets from you. You'll know
everything about me… But like I said, I'm bounded to them, to their war… I'm so sorry that
you feel like I'm hiding things from you."

"I understand, Severus, that's why I'm not holding it against you, but…" and Remus stopped
speaking, trying to figure out what he wanted to say.

Severus turned his gaze to Remus, his eyes were dark against his pale skin, reading Remus as
he spoke. Severus' dark hair framed his face, with a few strands blowing in the gentle breeze.
And Remus was able to see a glimpse of Severus without hiding his emotions behind that
mental mask. Remus could see the pain and fear he carried inside of him. And in those eyes,
Remus could see the longing in Severus to open up and tell Remus all of his flaws, his past
crimes, and the things he was forced to see and do as a Death Eater. Severus was so much
like Remus. They were both flawed and broken together, because of lost love, because of the
war.

And seeing all of that in those dark eyes, Remus couldn't help but notice how beautiful
Severus looked to him in that very moment, with his green Slytherin scarf against his black
robes, leaning on the fence. Remus knew the things Severus was hiding were dark, horrid,
but he still wanted to know. Remus wanted to know everything about Severus Snape or at
least what he was allowed to. He'll take what he could get. Remus understood…the war…it
took a lot out of them, even the chance of a normal relationship.

And wondering what it would be like to run his hand through that dark hair, to cup Severus'
cheek, and kiss those lips that looked so warm and inviting, Remus said softly, "I want to
know you, Severus, like you know me."

"You may not like me if you knew… I've been meaning to ask… Do you still ever see me as
Snivellus…the way you and your friends used to?"

Remus shook his head. "No, I don't ever see you as that kid anymore. You are different now,
Severus. And I want to learn the person you've become, the person you hide behind that mask
of yours."

"My mask?"

"Yes, you only take it down in front of Harry, and sometimes me…"

Severus smiled, "You're making me sound mad, like I'm two different people."

Remus laughed, "Join the club, Severus, why do you think Peeves calls me Loony Lupin?"

"Because you're mad?"

Remus shrugged. Severus only continued to smile at Remus, with his dark gaze shyly
meeting his eyes, filling Remus' stomach with butterflies.
"Are you sure you want to know everything about me? Think about what you're asking,
Remus, I've done unspeakable things in my past."

"Wasn't it your words, Severus? You said we both have flaws, we've both done things we
wish we could change. You once said you saw the person I was. I want to see you too. And if
you're afraid of me changing my mind, of not liking who you are based on what you've done
in the past when you were a dumb kid or because you've had no choice as a Death Eater, I
think I'm the best person to understand. You are so different from the kid I knew at school,
you've gone through major character growth."

"You've been reading too many fictional novels," Severus muttered. "What is your book
about anyways?"

"It's a fairy tale, it starts off with a pack of wolves. They have their own society, their own
beliefs and customs. This young wolf, son of the Alpha, falls in love with a human princess.
And so he howls and howls to the moon, pleading to turn him human for one night just so he
could meet the princess. That's all I've gotten to… It's a fantasy novel that loosely explains
the myth of werewolves, I think…"

"I never knew you to be into those types of books. Although, I did see your collection at the
cabin."

"My mom used to like reading them with me when I was a kid. A lot of these books always
involve some kind of curse that needs to be broken, characters that always go on some type
of journey that changes them and sometimes that journey leads them to not only change in
their lives, or answers about their past, or serious character growth, it leads them to love. A
lot of these books talk about true love breaking any curse.

When I was no older than eight or nine, I used to believe that might happen to me, that a true
love's kiss would break the curse I was in. This is so embarrassing to admit this, Severus,
you'll really think I'm loony…" Remus stopped, thinking if he should tell him or not. Severus'
eyes were already dancing with laughter, not saying a word as he listened to Remus ramble
on about fairy tales.

Remus was suddenly filled with embarrassment. "No… Never mind… I don't think I can tell
you. Not even my friends knew this."

"Wait, not even Black or Potter knew about this? Remus!" Severus suddenly grabbed him by
the shoulders, his face close to Remus, their eyes connecting as Severus said, "You have to
tell me! I'll tell you anything you want, if you do. Anything reasonable that is…you know I'm
limited."

"Severus, who would've thought you were so easy to blackmail," Remus laughed.

"Remus, do you want me to open up to you or not?" Severus scowled.

"Okay, fine. We have a deal!" Remus laughed. Once he was able to speak again, he
continued, "So I was just a kid, maybe eight or nine, whose head was filled with these types
of fairy tales," Remus indicated the blue book in his hands. "This is the most embarrassing
thing I've kept to myself, Severus, I'm trusting you to not tell anyone."

"Remus, you are basically my only friend. Who am I going to tell? Stop prolonging this and
just tell me!"

Remus smirked, Severus Snape was pretty cute when heated like this. Severus' hands were
warm on Remus' shoulders, his grip tight, causing Remus' heart to skip beats.

"Okay…okay…fine… I was just a kid…a very imaginative kid. Remember that before you
start making fun of me. I...I used to run around with a homemade cape my mom made me. I
even had a cool cardboard sword wrapped in foil, pretending I was a hero on an adventure to
break the curse I was in."

Severus, still holding onto Remus, suddenly started laughing at Remus' confession. He was
laughing so hard, he was wheezing for air. Remus had never seen Severus laugh like that. It
wasn't a cruel laugh, it was a real belly laugh that caused Remus to laugh along with him.

"I'm sorry, Remus, just picturing you running around with a cape and sword as a little kid!
That is so fucking adorable! Okay, you've earned it. I'll finally tell you anything you want to
know!"

"You think I'm cute?" Remus smirked.

Severus was suddenly quiet, gazing at Remus. "What if I said yes?" he said softly.

Severus reached up, gently brushing Remus' hair away from his eyes. His hand cupping his
cheek, then sliding down to rest on the nape of Remus' neck. Severus' skin against his own
was like an electric current. It sent sparks though Remus' heart, making it stop beating for
that brief moment. Remus suddenly felt frozen, lost in those obsidian black eyes.

And suddenly the world around them was non-existent, except for those eyes, those dark eyes
still dancing with laughter. And Remus just didn't think about it. Before he knew it, he was
leaning in, closing his eyes and pressing his lips against Severus' own, kissing him softly.
Severus slowly kissed him back, his lips, warm, soft and cautious. Remus felt his heart
soaring, felt his soul reaching out, longing to be closer. He couldn't even feel the spirit of his
wolf inside him, it was lost in the heated moment. Then they finally broke apart, for a
moment Remus and Severus couldn't speak, all they could do was look into each other's eyes.

"Well, that laugh of yours was cute…" Remus finally said in a breathless whisper. He could
feel Severus' hand still resting tightly on the nape of his neck, as if he were holding on to
Remus for balance.

And suddenly, they were kissing again. Remus didn't even know who started it. This time
they kissed deeper, more desperately. Severus' hand was now in Remus' hair, the other tightly
holding onto his waist. Remus' hands were clinging onto Severus' robes with a stomach full
of butterflies, his legs numb and his heart beating fast. And Remus suddenly needed to feel
Severus as close against him as possible. It was as if Severus suddenly knew what Remus
was thinking, he roughly pulled Remus close against him with no space in between and his
tongue shoving its way into Remus' mouth. Then suddenly they pulled apart, breathless with
red lips and messy hair.

"I think I'm falling in love with you…" Severus blurted out, out of breath and in shock.

Those words shocked Remus to his core, he stepped away from Severus. Reality was
crashing down on him, snapping him out of his daze from the make-out session they'd just
shared. What was he doing? He couldn't do this again! He couldn't fall in love! He was too
broken! Remus had blood on his hands, and the deep rooted pain that Remus held inside from
the loss of Sirius was still there inside his heart. He couldn't start anything with Severus, not
when he was still holding on to that pain and fear. He had to let it go…he had to go…

I have to get out of here! was all Remus could think of now. He backed away, not really
seeing anything in front of him, not really hearing what Severus was saying to him as he
Disapperated, leaving Severus alone on that snowy path.

Remus found himself in front of Number 12 Grimmauld Place, but he couldn't go inside.
Sirius hated this place, Remus hated this place. It was where their relationship deteriorated.
The nastiest fights they've ever had happened here. He didn't even know why he came here,
he didn't know where he was going. The only thing Remus knew was that he had to get
himself far away from Severus and those dark eyes, and his whispered… I think I'm falling in
love with you…

Chasing those whispered words out of his head, Remus Disapperated once more and
appeared into a muggle alleyway somewhere in muggle London. Without thinking, Remus
quickly walked to the nearest pub.

He spent the rest of the evening in a lonely booth in the back of a pub. The hood of his robes
was up, hiding his face. Remus didn't want to be found or bothered by anyone. He just
wanted to be left alone as he drank away his heartache and fear of falling in love again, drank
away the monstrous and broken parts of him. Remus kept repeating to himself all of the
reasons why he couldn't fall in love again. He kept reminding himself how bad things got
with Sirius in the end, and how it left Remus so broken… He didn't think he could ever be the
same again. And Remus just wanted to drink until he couldn't remember any of it, until he
couldn't feel anymore, until he was so flat out drunk, he didn't even know who he was
anymore.

But this was Severus… A small voice in the back of Remus' mind said. Severus who had
saved his life countless times now. Severus who had seen all the bad parts of Remus. Who
also had bad parts inside of him, who was just as broken as Remus, and Severus was still
falling in love with him. They were the same, their souls needed each other to heal their
broken parts. Remus knew that deep down inside, that this was meant to happen. It was
written in the stars as soon as Severus had saved Remus in that cellar all those months ago.
And as Remus put his drink back down onto the table, he thought of those dark eyes, the
sound of Severus' laugh, his deep voice, and how warm and sturdy Severus' body felt pressed
against him. Remus thought of the electric charge he felt when Severus touched him,
brushing aside the hair from his face and his hand at the back of his neck, and how the world
seemed to stop spinning when they kissed.

Remus thought of the time they've been spending together, the deep conversations they've
had over tea. The love they both share for Harry, their kid… The very fact that Severus was
willing to open up to Remus about his own mysterious past, his mask finally breaking into
pieces for just Remus and no one else. Thinking about all of that, and thinking about their
first two kisses, and how Remus cowardly pushed Severus away…denying the sparks
growing between them… Remus knew he couldn't run from his feelings anymore. The fear
he held deep inside had to go, his feelings for Severus wasn't just a fleeting infatuation.
Remus was falling in love too…and that scared him so deeply and painfully.

Falling in love. Being in love. Fighting for that love to remain strong, just to end up losing
that love to death had burned Remus so bad. It left scorch marks on his heart. Remus knew he
was never going to recover from the loss of Sirius and he accepted that. The pain was always
going to be there. He could live with that, but the fear. Remus had to let it go. He had to stop
walking around like a ghost in the corridors, afraid to love, afraid to live and be happy.
Severus deserved a chance, he had proved it over and over again, and now it was time for
Remus to be brave. Because he knew this thing between them was never going to go away,
and the only way to fix this situation was for Remus to let go of his fear, let go of the memory
of Sirius, and start over with Severus. There was no way he and Severus could be just merely
friends now, not after that kiss, not after those breathless words, and Remus wasn't willing to
let Severus go. He was choosing Severus…he was letting himself fall in love with Severus…
and he was going to be brave.

And as Remus let himself forget all of his reasons to not fall in love, he realized, if he did
this, if he let himself fall for Severus, then the love between him and Sirius would be forever
over. They'll never be able to reunite in the after life, because Remus was choosing Severus.
And Remus had to let that promise for Sirius go. And that thought was so painful, Remus felt
tears well up from the inside of his eyes. Tears sliding down his cheeks, Remus hurriedly
wiped them away, making sure his face was still covered in the shadows of his hood. Sirius
was the past, part of his boyhood, first love that changed him forever. Now, Severus was a
new start that molded better to the person Remus was today.

What would Sirius think about Remus choosing Severus? Falling in love with the one person
Sirius hated the most? Sirius must be rolling over in his grave at the thought, probably
thinking Remus had betrayed him! And Remus realized he was okay with that. If Sirius hated
his choice… It didn't mean anything, because they were over. Their relationship was forever
lost in the past, never to be recovered again. And at that thought, Remus drank and drank,
until he began to feel the dizzying effects of too much alcohol. Then Remus forced himself to
return back to Hogwarts so he could pass out in his bed.

Remus was dreaming. He knew he was dreaming, but why was this place so familiar? He was
sitting on a bench, with a red steam train in front of him. This was different from his usual
dreams and nightmares, yet it was so familiar. Then Remus turned around and Sirius was
there next to him, speaking to him, and Remus was speaking in return without any control of
what he was saying or feeling, as if he were watching a scene play out through the eyes of a
past version of himself.

"Don't be afraid to let your heart...love another…"

"Sirius? No…" Remus felt his heart breaking into pieces at those words.

"Moony... I'm serious..." Sirius insisted, hugging him tighter, as if he hated what he was
saying, hated that he had to let go. Pain tore at Remus' shattered heart. He wished so much
that Sirius would stop, not finish what he was trying to say...

"Sirius..."

"I want you to be happy. So if you do find another, don't be afraid of what I might think. Don't
be afraid if you have to let me go. Just know that I'll always love you, no matter what, even if
you decide to give your heart to someone else."

Then suddenly Remus was awake, breathing heavily in the darkness. That dream…it wasn't a
normal dream. It was a memory… And Sirius had given Remus his blessing long ago.
Feeling the effects of his body coming down from the alcohol, with the walls around him
swaying, Remus whispered the hardest thing he ever had to say. "It's over, Padfoot. We've
been over for a long time…"

The week had dragged on. Remus avoided Severus. He was too embarrassed to explain away
his sudden departure after being the one to initiate the first kiss. And it seemed like Severus
was doing the same. The few times Remus braved it out of his quarters to eat his meals at the
Great Hall, Severus was hardly there. And when he was, he was always leaving when he saw
Remus entering, never looking at him, and Remus completely understood Severus' behavior.
This thing growing between them was strong, they both knew it, and they both had their slip-
ups. Severus had apologized for that night in the cabin when he pulled Remus close to him in
front of the fireplace, and Remus couldn't be brave enough to do the same.

Remus knew Severus would accept his apology, like Remus had accepted his. There was no
reason to be afraid, but Remus couldn't bring himself to do it. Their friendship was
completely changed now, there was no coming back from that cold evening on the hill with
the Shrieking Shack in the distance. Now they had to address the feelings that have been
brewing between them lately, the unspoken tension whenever they were together, and Remus
couldn't even deny the flirting between them. Once he willed himself to speak to Severus,
Remus knew he was going to fall for him hard. He knew deep down he was ready for it, to
fall so deep into love again, to risk the possibility of getting hurt again, to risk never being the
same again… All of it... He was ready to take the chance, only with Severus… Merlin…he
wanted Severus…but Remus was having trouble taking that very last leap to finally bring
them together.
It was the weekend again, and Remus was laying on his side on the sofa in the living room of
his quarters. Staring into the fireplace with his muggle notebook in his hands. The page it was
open to had nothing but crossed-out sentences from Remus trying to find the words to
describe that he was ready to accept what love had to offer, the good and the bad, but
everything kept coming out stupid. And so, Remus just ended up moping about in his
quarters with his thoughts constantly on Severus and the kiss they shared, the whispered
words: I think I'm falling in love with you…

"Remus?"

Tonks' voice ripped Remus out of his thoughts and he was crashing back down to reality,
followed by a knock on his portrait door. Remus sat up quickly, his notebook falling to the
floor.

"Just hang on a second!" Remus called out, rushing to his bedroom and throwing on some
robes over his muggle jeans and t-shirt. Remus hadn't left his quarters at all today, since
Friday in fact, and he didn't have the energy to fully dress into wizard attire. He looked into
his bathroom mirror, rinsing his face and smoothing out his messy light-brown hair until he
felt decent enough to let Tonks in.

Remus opened the portrait door to find Tonks standing out in the corridor, wearing a dark-
green winter coat, black skinny jeans and boots. Her long hair was purple and wavy, flowing
down her back. Like Remus sometimes, Tonks was never one to settle for just wizard attire.
Remus kinda felt silly for throwing his robes on now.

"Wotcher, Remus, did you forget about our jam session today?"

"I could never forget you, Tonks," Remus grinned.

"Right…" Tonks narrowed her eyes at him. "Are you okay? You look like you haven't left
your quarters all weekend. What's with the five o'clock shadow?"

Remus shrugged her questions off by giving her a quick hug. "Do you plan on standing out
here all day? Come on, we have a jam session, remember? Want anything to drink? I think I
have wine."

"Yes, that sounds lovely!"

Remus went into the kitchen to pour two glasses. "Take a seat!" he called out, trying to pull
himself together and stop thinking about Severus.

Tonks sat down, looking at the mess of paperwork and empty tea mugs covering his coffee
table. "What are you working on?" she asked.

"I'm doing some cross-referencing on the Dark Arts and Potions. It's for some Potions
assignment for Slughorn's third years. He's going to stop by and pick it up later. I've just
finished it, so we're free to jam out now."

"Good, because you know how much I really hate Potions."

"I know you do." Remus appeared, handing a glass of wine to Tonks.

"Thank you, sweetie," she winked.

Remus blushed.

"I don't mean to snoop, but is this something you're writing?" Tonks picked up Remus'
notebook off from the floor, showing him the page it was open to.

"Yeah…it's…" Remus shrugged, suddenly feeling embarrassed and slightly annoyed at her
for reading the small chorus that he wrote. It was private. He hadn't meant to leave it out for
Tonks to see. That was the song he was working on for Severus. Remus had no idea where he
was going with it. And ever since they had kissed, Remus was hit with writer's block. He had
been spending lonely evenings staring at his notebook, trying to figure out how to describe
the torrent of emotions inside of him. Things he wanted to say to Severus, but didn't know
how… Suddenly fed up with the frustration of himself being blocked, Remus realized, maybe
he could use Tonks' help.

"It's this song I'm writing, but I have major writer's block. I'm stuck… Maybe I could use
your help."

Remus watched Tonks read the lyrics again. "These are very deep, Remus, I can see this
turning into something good! Of course I'll help you!" Tonks then looked up at Remus, her
blue eyes turning into a hazel color. "Is this for someone special?" she asked.

Remus didn't answer that question. He picked up his guitar, strumming the strings, showing
her the beat of the chorus. "Show me what you got, Tonks."

"It's for someone special, isn't it? You prat! Why won't you tell me who the lucky girl is?"

"Are we doing our jam session or not?" Remus laughed.

And her voice was powerful. Remus wasn't prepared for it. He was in awe. And it convinced
him even more to let Tonks help him write this song, even though the small voice in the back
of his mind was telling him how much Severus disliked her. And Remus remembered the
argument he and Severus once had over Tonks. Severus can't choose my friends!

And for a good couple of hours, they worked together on the song. Tonks made Remus drink
enough wine to help him dish out everything he'd been feeling for his mystery crush, until
they finally had a good set of lines.

Fall on me

With open arms

Fall on me

From where you are

Fall on me
With all your light

With all your light

With all your light

Sooner or later it all comes apart

The walls are all shattered, I'm back at the start

And I'm willing to follow this

Wherever it goes

The heart has its reasons that nobody knows

They were both singing the lyrics together, trying to find the right beat on the guitar, when
suddenly they were interrupted by a knock on the door.

"Remus, my boy!" It was Slughorn, letting himself in.

"Horace!" Remus greeted, putting down his guitar. Then standing up, picking up the scrolls
the Potions Professor had come for.

"No, no, don't you two stop on the account of me. I didn't know you two were such good
singers," Slughorn said, standing by the portrait door.

"We were actually just about wrapping this up. I should get going, we'll work on this again,
next weekend?" Tonks asked Remus as she stood up, putting on her green coat.

"Yeah," Remus agreed, really liking the new set of lyrics they had created together.

"Wait, wait, Tonks, don't go just yet. I'm planning a Christmas party before term ends, one of
my entertainments fell through. Would you two like to play that song to fill in that missing
spot? It's really something. I think that song's exactly what I'm missing."

"I don't…I don't know, Horace," Remus muttered, his face blushing in embarrassment at the
thought of singing this in front of everyone.

"Remus, is she going to be there? The girl you're writing the song for, is she going to be at
the party?" Tonks asked.

"I don't know, there's a possibility…" Remus muttered, hating that Slughorn was listening to
their conversation about his crush, especially that the walrus-sized man was a known
gossiper. The last thing Remus needed were rumors about him crushing on someone
spreading around the school like wildfire. Then Severus would certainly never speak to him
again.
Remus didn't even bother to correct Tonks when she kept assuming his crush was a girl. He
didn't want to give anything away. He couldn't let her know who this song really was for. And
Remus was sure that Severus would be at Slughorn's party, just like how all the other staff
members and Slug Club students would be.

"Remus, if there is even the slightest chance that she'll be there, you have to do it."

"No, Tonks! Excuse me, Horace, just let me and Tonks talk about this in the kitchen before
we agree to anything, okay?" Remus grabbed Tonks by the shoulders, pulling her to the
kitchen with him.

"Tonks!" Remus said once they were out of earshot from Horace. "I can't do it! This song…
it's too special. I can't play it in front of everyone!"

"Yes, Remus, it is special! And it needs to be heard, just imagine our voices together, imagine
her watching you sing this, think of what could happen? This could change things between
you two, what if this is what pulls you two together? And what if you don't do this? And you
guys never get the chance, and you end up alone with your unheard, unfinished song like
some crazy reclusive writer. Remus, do you really want that for yourself? Do you really want
to be a crazy old man, alone? And wondering what could've happened if you would've just
shown her?!"

"Tonks!"

"Remus! This song needs to be finished! It needs to be sung for the person you're writing it
for! You're right, it's too special! Too special to be kept away half-written in a notebook,
forgotten and unheard!"

Remus sighed, glaring at Tonks. He thought of Severus and how badly Remus just wanted to
go to him, how the past week of not speaking to Severus tortured him. And the nights were
the worst. Remus couldn't sleep, always just laying in the darkness of his room, replaying the
kiss over and over in his head, wondering if Severus was awake like him. Why couldn't he
just go to Severus and tell him how he felt? Why was this so hard? Why couldn't he just be
brave? And the thought of speaking to Severus made Remus' stomach feel queasy. Suddenly
he was feeling a bit dizzy, chasing away those dark eyes out of his mind, Remus realized
maybe he had too much wine. And maybe Tonks was right, maybe this song could tell
Severus everything that Remus was afraid to say.

Remus sighed in defeat, his eyes staring into Tonks' stubborn hazel eyes. She was so insistent
on this to happen. She was so much like Sirius…stubborn, strong-willed, never backing down
when she wanted something. Maybe that's why Remus enjoyed her friendship, Sirius' spirit
lived on in her.

"Okay, fine! But you are singing it with me! There's no way I'm doing this on my own! And
you're doing most of it! I'll just mainly be the man playing the guitar!"

"Yes!" Tonks screamed jumping up and down. "Yes! Yes! I'm so excited! Okay, we have only
weeks to get this together! That means I'm coming here almost every weekend, until this
thing is finished and perfect. Is that okay with you?"
"Yes!" Remus laughed as she hugged him tight. "Why am I getting the feeling that I'll never
be able to say no to you?"

"Horace, we're doing it!" Tonks called out, rushing back to the living room to tell Slughorn
the good news.

What did I get myself into? Remus thought as he poured himself another glass of wine. But
Remus knew for Severus, it was all worth it.

With the weekend over and a new week beginning, Remus found himself with little energy
and in a deep depressive mood as he made his way through his lessons and office hours.
Skipping dinner, Remus was sitting in his office, grading the essays on boggarts from his
third years, which led Remus to remembering how he and Severus found the boggart in the
D.A Club classroom, the one his third years were going to practice on later during the week.
Remus sighed, remembering their conversations that day, the easy friendship before
everything got so messed up.

After a couple of hours, Remus put down his quill, suddenly feeling too restless to grade
another essay. Stretching and checking his pocket watch, he realized it was time to look in on
how the D.A Club was doing before they finished up in twenty minutes. Remus hadn't had a
chance to see Harry during the weekend, and thought maybe seeing his cub would pull him
out of his dark and restless mood.

He entered the classroom to see the students all paired up and practicing jinxes and hexes.
Harry was walking around, giving advice to a few of the groups. Quietly, Remus snuck in and
sat down on top of one the desks that were pushed to the back, watching his cub proudly.
Harry suddenly turned and caught his eye, raising an eyebrow at Remus' sudden appearance,
probably wondering where he'd been for the past three days.

Remus could tell Harry was itching to talk to him, but he couldn't tear himself away from his
club members. Remus also noticed that Hermione wasn't around this time, she was usually
the one helping Harry out. He did notice Ron was here and peculiarly attached at the hip with
Lavender Brown. Remus wondered when and how that had happened, realizing he must've
missed a lot of drama as a consequence of hiding in his quarters so much. Realizing Harry
might need help since Hermione was not around, he stood up and began walking around the
room, offering advice but not interfering very much. Once the time came for the students to
leave, and everyone departed to their common rooms, then Harry was finally able to speak to
Remus as they began to straighten up the room a little.

"Where have you been, Remus?" Harry asked as he straightened up the books on the shelves
and Remus started to move the mats and beanbags back to their respectful places with a flick
of his wand.

"Just busy with grading, lesson planning…you know…" Remus answered.

Once they were done, Harry picked up his school bag, turning his green eyes to Remus. "Did
something happen with you and Severus?"

Remus only shrugged as an answer, not really knowing what to say, not really wanting to tell
Harry what happened. "Come on, cub, I'll walk you back to Gryffindor tower."

They left the classroom, walking in silence for a while until Remus finally asked, "Has
Severus said anything to you?"

"No, he won't tell me. And he's been in a foul mood lately, especially during Potions," Harry
answered, walking besides Remus. "Remus, I know you two are fighting. It's not hard to
guess. I've noticed you two avoiding each other, you guys barely look at each other. You
know it sucks that I have to deal with my best friends fighting right now, with me being stuck
in the middle. And now I have to deal with my dads doing the same thing… Can you just fix
whatever's going on? I'm going mad here!"

Remus glanced at Harry, knowing he was right. He and Severus had to stop this cold war
between them. And the only way how was for Remus to go and apologize. He had to talk to
Severus, but not yet…not tonight… Remus wasn't ready just yet.

"I'm sorry, cub, I'll fix this. I promise."

Harry only nodded in response. Remus nudged his shoulder gently with his own, causing
Harry to look up at him. "You see me as your dad?"

Harry shrugged, his cheeks slightly blushing. "Yeah… Is that okay?"

Remus smiled, and for the first time in a week, he felt a twinge of happiness. "Of course,
Harry! You know I love you, right? And I apologize that you're feeling caught in the middle
between me and Severus. I'm going to talk to him."

"I… I love you too, Remus," Harry whispered, stopping for a moment, his green eyes down
at the floor.

Remus' moment of surprise that Harry actually answered him back this time, went away,
replaced by concern in the hurt and worry that was being shown in Harry's demeanor. "Hey…
hey, cub… Severus and I are going to be okay. Don't worry about it."

"I had so much fun with you guys at that cabin, and then knowing you guys were there
together in the stands watching me play Quidditch. I have a family, you guys are my family. I
don't want it to break."

"We are not going to break. I promise you that. Whatever happens between me and Severus,
you're always going to be our first priority."

Harry only nodded, running his hand through his messy hair as he continued walking.

"Do you want to update me on the Ron and Hermione drama? I've noticed Hermione missing
and Lavender Brown being very close to Ron."
Harry sighed in exasperation at the thought of his best friends, then told Remus everything
about what happened after the Quidditch match. How Ron and Lavender Brown kissed in the
middle of the common room, and how Hermione saw and ran off. Then Harry found her
sitting alone, letting her cry on his shoulder when Ron and Lavender walked in, looking for a
place to snog. Hermione had sent a jink at Ron who now thought Hermione was crazy. Now
Ron and Hermione were barely speaking to each other, leaving Harry caught in the middle.
Remus could suddenly better understand why Harry was so upset with Remus and Severus
fighting.

After Remus walked Harry to Gryffindor tower, Remus realized he didn't want to return to
his quarters just yet. So he detoured his way towards the Astronomy tower, climbing up the
winding steps, out of breath, until he finally reached the top. Remus immediately felt the
freezing cold on his face stinging his cheeks, his breath coming out in a fog, and the stars
were so bright and cold, twinkling thousands of miles above him. Not caring that the air was
below freezing and the ground was icy, the fact that he wasn't wearing robes warm enough
for a cold winter night so close to December, Remus climbed up the wall of the ledge, sitting
down with his legs hanging down over the open space. He hadn't sat out here in such a long
time, the last time was when he was a student himself, just sitting here, gazing at the stars and
thinking about life after school or his feelings of Sirius or whatever problems he was going
through at that time. Harry was right, Remus had to fix this thing between him and Severus.
And Remus made himself a promise to try and talk to him tomorrow.

But how do I apologize? What should I say to Severus after kissing him then leaving him
alone on that hill, then avoiding him for a week… And when I do talk to him, am I really
ready to let myself fall for him? Can I do this again? Am I strong enough? How could those
three words change everything between us in just a whispered moment?

There was no moon tonight, only the vast starry sky, and the wolf inside him was silent for
once. Remus almost wished it was there to distract himself from his thoughts. He was
mentally exhausted from trying to figure out what he should say to Severus, to fix this wedge
he'd created between them. Mentally exhausted from berating himself to stop being such a
coward, Remus knew part of the reason why he kept prolonging his apology was the deep
hole of depression he was in. The depression that was causing Remus to hide in his quarters,
spending half the day in bed during weekends, and forcing himself up during the school
week, barely eating, obsessively keeping busy with his work, the nightmares… And Remus'
evenings were spent drinking while staring at the fire cackling in his fireplace, with his
notebook on the coffee table, with his stupid song that would be forever unfinished.

Shivering in the cold night air, suddenly Remus heard soft footsteps climbing up the steps to
the tower. He took a deep breath, inhaling the scents of a certain shampoo, herbs, potion
fumes, coffee and a certain scent that was only described as Severus….

It was Severus climbing up the winding stairs of the Astronomy tower. Remus didn't move,
he stayed where he was, his gaze on the stars as he mentally tried to prepare himself for the
sudden confrontation. How did he find me? How did he know I was here alone? What were
the odds of them running into each other on the Astronomy tower this late at night?
Suddenly the footsteps stopped, and Remus could feel Severus' gaze right behind him,
burning into him. His breath suddenly quickened, his heart beating fast, skipping beats. And
he thought he was ready, he really thought he was ready to fall in love again, but Remus was
overtaken with panic… And everything he wanted to say was gone. He didn't know what to
do, all he could feel was the heavy darkness inside himself, and how he craved Severus'
light….

"It's nice to see you out of your quarters for once…nice to see you're alive," Severus snapped.

Remus took a deep breath, trying to calm his fast-beating heart, knowing he deserved that. He
finally found it in himself to turn around slowly, sliding off the wall with his feet hitting the
icy-stone floor. Remus shoved his frozen hands into his pockets, staying where he was with
his back against the wall of the ledge. And Merlin, Severus was just standing there in his
warm-looking black winter robes, with his dark eyes reflecting the icy stars. Remus just
wanted to pull him close and kiss him and apologize over and over for being so stupid and
cowardly, for leaving him on that hill after those three words that must've been very hard for
Severus to admit.

"Severus…"

"Do you regret kissing me?"

"No!"

"Then why did you run off?"

"I just freaked… I didn't plan on kissing you, it just happened… And Severus, I'm sorry if
I've made you feel like I regretted that kiss. I don't regret kissing you, it's not that at all. I
just…don't know…if…I'm ready…I want to…I don't know," Remus stammered out, then
suddenly stopped.

"You don't know what you want?"

Remus shook his head, looking down at the ground. Trying to figure out what to say. But it
was so hard with those dark eyes staring at him, waiting for an answer. This was his chance
to talk to Severus, to make things right, and Remus was blowing it.

"You may not know what you want, but I do…" And Severus was suddenly in front of
Remus, gently cupping his face, caressing his cheek, forcing Remus to look up at Severus.
And Remus was lost in those dark eyes reflecting the night sky.

"You're always cold," Severus muttered softly, as if it were just a passing thought in his mind.
Severus took off his winter robes and put it over Remus' shoulders, then suddenly he pulled
the robes forward, bringing Remus closer to him. Severus kissed Remus so deeply without
warning, it caught him off guard. Remus kissed him back, doing everything he could to keep
himself standing. Still holding onto the robes, Severus pulled away, ending the sudden kiss
that left Remus' stomach queasy with butterflies and lost in those obsidian eyes.
"I know what I want, Remus," Severus whispered, the icy fog of their breaths intermingling.
"What I want is right here in front of me." Severus clenched the fabric of the black winter
robes in his fists, emphasizing what he meant. "Are my feelings one sided? Did I read you
wrong? Isn't this what you want as well? I really need to know, no more running off, talk to
me, Remus. Because I really thought I could do this, I really thought I could be your friend
without being anything more, never voicing my feelings towards you and just suffer in
silence like I did with Lily… I'm not as young anymore nor naive. I can't do that anymore,
especially when what I feel for you is a thousand times stronger than what I've ever felt for
Lily."

Severus let go of the robes, now holding Remus firmly by the shoulders, looking him straight
in the eye, as he said, "Remus, you mean so much more to me, do you understand that? And
I've tried giving you your space, but you can't just play with me like that, kiss me, and then
freak out and leave. Especially when I know you feel the same way… I understand what I've
said might've scared you, but it's what I feel, it's the truth."

Still shivering in the icy cold, despite the warmth of Severus' winter robes on him, Remus
could only listen to Severus as he spoke. Severus stared into his eyes, waiting for him to say
something, but Remus couldn't. He didn't know what to say, he was feeling blocked. He
wasn't ready for this confrontation. And what Severus was saying, that he meant so much
more to Severus than Lily ever did, he knew this was going to be big, the unspoken love
brewing between them, and this was what made him so afraid. Was he really ready to do this
again? To fall in love so hard, to risk the chance of getting hurt again so badly? Remus
wanted to be ready, he wanted Severus. He had to trust his heart to Severus, but was he brave
enough, strong enough, to do this again?

"Severus…" Remus could only say. He was so ashamed of himself, he tore his eyes away, not
able to bear seeing the hurt in Severus' eyes that was caused by him. "I'm sorry," he choked
out, tears welling up and streaming down his cheeks. Why couldn't he just tell Severus how
he felt?

"Look at me," Severus whispered, wiping the tears off Remus' cheeks with his fingers.

"I can see it in your eyes, you're falling deep into your depression. I know you feel too
broken, I know you've been hurt, and if you feel like you're not in a good place to start
anything, then I'm okay with that. Just don't turn away from me, don't let yourself fall. I'm
right here if you need to talk. Remus, you have to let me know what you want, either we are
just friends and I will back off, or we are something more. I can't have these games… And
before you make your decision, just please consider if I'm worth another chance at love,
please consider choosing me," Severus' voice cracked under the pain he must be feeling to
say those words, Remus was breaking his heart.

"Severus, I can't decide right now," Remus choked out, feeling guilty, a coward and broken
more than ever.

"Then I'll give you your space. Just know that we don't have a lot of time with this war, we
have to enjoy every moment we have. Even if that means we may get hurt. It'll all be worth it,
won't it? To have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?"
And then Severus was gone, leaving Remus alone under the starry sky, in the frosty night.
Yet, warm in the winter robes Severus left on him.
 Hanging On By A Thread
Chapter Summary

Thank you AnnaOnTheMoon and whateverr05 for your reviews! I'm glad your enjoying
my fic!

Chapter Fourteen - Hanging On By A Thread

Before Severus knew it, it was mid-December. The final month of the year had brought the
students and the staff of Hogwarts its icy snow storms, along with final assignments and
exams due before the fall term ended, keeping everyone busy and confined inside the castle
walls for the past few weeks.

Severus found himself with barely any time these days. Not only did he have a huge never-
ending pile of essays on top of his desk, along with crates full of student potions that needed
grading, Severus was also spending his time, mostly nights, gathering specific items he
needed for a personal project he was working on. Severus barely had enough time to give
Harry Occlumency lessons and his mental health checks every other Friday evening. Also, he
was dealing with the stress of trying to get a hold of Draco, which was now impossible, the
Slytherin had stopped coming to Severus' lessons, detentions and was ignoring all of Severus'
office summons.

And even though Severus was constantly busy and there were a million things that always
had to be done, Severus was glad of the distraction and chaos of the last few weeks before the
winter holidays. It kept his thoughts from wandering to Remus and feeling the ache in his
heart every time Severus remembered their last meeting together on top of the Astronomy
tower.

Severus had managed to set some time aside to finish brewing December's batch of
Wolfsbane Potion for Remus' full-moon change near the end of the month. It was the reason
why after weeks of keeping himself busy, of not dwelling on the fact that Remus hadn't come
to him with an answer yet, that Severus was finally letting himself think of that night of the
way Remus locked his hazel-green eyes that were flecked with gold and full of unspoken
words, onto Severus' own.

He finally allowed himself to remember the sudden longing he had felt, to just pull Remus
close against him, not caring at all for an explanation for Remus' avoidance. Severus didn't
care for the reasons, he just wanted this strange thing between them to be over. Severus
remembered how sick to his stomach he felt, full of nerves as he gave in to his longing,
pulling the werewolf forward and meeting him in a deep kiss. And how Remus looked warm
in his winter robes, Severus left them on him, he looked better in them than Severus did.
Sighing deeply, as he slowly began stirring his potion counter-clockwise, Severus thought
back to that night in his office and how he was just beginning to feel almost glad that
Slughorn had taken half his classes, but he would never admit that to anyone. That night,
with his muscles sore from sitting so long at his desk, Severus just felt like he needed a walk.
No matter how hard Severus tried to focus on his work, his mind kept returning to Remus on
that hill, with the Shrieking Shack in the distance, leaning on that wooden fence and the wind
blowing Remus' hair into his eyes and the ends of his old Gryffindor scarf. That night,
Severus kept thinking about the way Remus made him laugh so hard with that silly childhood
story of his. Then suddenly those hazel-green eyes were shining with mischief. Remus was
smiling shyly at Severus, asking him, "You think I'm cute?" His smile turned into a shy smirk.
And it blew Severus away, that smirk and those eyes, and Severus couldn't help but flirt back,
"What if I said yes?"

And maybe it was Severus' fault that the kiss happened. What if Severus was the one that led
Remus on? He was the one who brushed Remus' hair aside out of his eyes. Not being able to
pull his hand away, touching Remus' face, placing his hand on the back of his neck. Trying
everything in his power to just not pull Remus forward and kiss him.

Severus knew he had crossed a boundary of their friendship that Remus wasn't ready for. But
then Remus surprised Severus by leaning in and kissing him. Remus kissed him, so it wasn't
entirely Severus' fault. Remus was the one who started flirting on that hill, yet they were
always flirting with one another, always finding excuses to touch each other. It wasn't just
Severus' fault that kiss happened. It was Remus' fault too.

And yes, Severus might've scared Remus away by saying those words, "I think I'm falling in
love with you…" Severus didn't mean to say them. He was just caught up in the moment, and
before Severus knew it, they had slipped out. And everything changed so fast. The look in
Remus' eyes crashing back down to reality as he took in what Severus had whispered to him.
Then suddenly Disapparating, leaving Severus alone on that hill.

I scared him away…he isn't ready. Why did I say that? But it's what I feel… Severus
remembered thinking, as he walked through the dark corridors that night, not realizing his
feet were taking him to the winding staircase of the Astronomy tower.

And in a way, Severus was glad that kiss happened, leading Severus to admit his growing
infatuation to Remus. Severus couldn't help that he was falling in love. It was what he felt,
and now it was out there, and Severus didn't have to suffer in silence any longer. It didn't
have to be like back when Severus was a teenager, crushing hard on Lily in silence and
hoping every day she would see Severus like how he saw her. Severus really thought he
could do that again, but after that kiss, Severus knew that was impossible.

Still stirring the cauldron of Wolfsbane counter-clock wise, Severus recalled how he was out
of breath from the long climb up the stairs. He remembered his breath suddenly coming out
as a fog and how the cold air stung his face. He wasn't expecting to find Remus up there,
sitting on the ledge, shivering in the icy-cold air with his head pointed towards the twinkling
stars. Severus had barely seen Remus in a little bit over a week. The sight of him sitting
there, so close, yet Severus felt so far from him, it took his breath away. And for a moment,
Severus didn't know what to do or what to say. Everything was changed between them. Their
easy friendship was now a thing of the past. And for one brief moment, despite of him not
regretting anything, Severus almost wished that their kiss hadn't happened, that Severus never
let those words slip. And Remus could just turn around and smile at him, inviting Severus to
sit next to him.

He remembered how cold Remus felt, his body shivering and his breath coming out in a fog
just like Severus' own. Their breaths intermingled as Severus wrapped Remus in his winter
robes. The look Remus gave him, Severus could see that the werewolf felt the same way as
he did. Remus was falling in love too. Severus was rather good at reading people, and
sometimes Remus was an open and closed book. And on that icy-cold night, on top of the
Astronomy tower, Severus could see the pain in Remus' eyes, the uncertainty, the longing, the
fear. Severus could see it all in the tears that ran down Remus' cheeks. Remus didn't have to
explain himself for disappearing. Severus understood what was going on, what Remus
couldn't say. That understanding led Severus to give Remus the ultimatum to make things
easier for him, to give him that gentle push, hoping Remus would choose him.

As Severus added more ingredients to the Wolfsbane, he pushed all thoughts of Remus out
his mind, that was all he could take. Thinking about that night only left Severus with his heart
aching, making it hard for him to concentrate on what he was doing, which was dangerous.
Severus couldn't afford to mess up this batch, not so close to the full-moon.

Suddenly, the sound of Severus' portrait door opened, followed by Harry's voice. Before
meeting his son, Severus lowered the flames, setting a timer to come back and check on the
simmering potion in a couple of hours.

It was an early Friday evening, the day before Slughorn's Christmas party. Lessons had ended
in the early afternoon, officially ending the fall term. While Severus spent his new freedom in
his lab, Remus had braved the winter weather and taken Harry out to Hogsmeade for hot
butterbeer at the Three Broomsticks, and to pick up Harry's dress robes for Slughorn's
Christmas party. It was something Severus wished he could've done himself, but it would've
looked suspicious if he and Harry were seen out in the village together.

Harry was found standing by the portrait door with a large, wrapped-up parcel in his hands.
Remus was by his side, also carrying a parcel similar to Harry's. They were both red in the
cheeks, snow was caught in their hair, and both were wearing warm robes thick enough for
winter weather. Remus' eyes were shy as usual, not meeting Severus at all as they greeted one
another. It pained Severus to see that Remus still wouldn't look at him, reminding Severus the
delicate thread their friendship was hanging on.

And despite the hurt Severus felt, he was just glad the werewolf wasn't isolating himself
anymore. Things were slightly better now between them than the first week after Remus
kissed him. The morning after that night on top of the Astronomy tower, Severus was in the
Great Hall eating breakfast when Remus, showered, dressed and clean shaven for a day of
lessons, walked into the hall, sitting next to Severus for the first time in a week. Remus didn't
say anything at first, only helping himself to some eggs and toast, then pouring himself a cup
of coffee.

Severus was sipping his black coffee, watching Remus as he added a huge handful of sugar
cubes into his own when Severus couldn't help himself and said, "Why don't you just dump
the whole pot in there?" causing Remus to laugh.

Then Remus stopped laughing, shyly glancing at Severus as he said, "Severus, I apologize for
disappearing, for you know, running off… I didn't do it to hurt you. Can we start over?"

Taken by surprise with the sudden apology, and with his heart racing from wondering if
Remus was about to tell him his answer, Severus replied, "Of course, wolf. Don't forget,
Harry and I have dinner together every other Friday."

"I'll be there," Remus said, and he didn't say anymore. It was followed by an awkward silence
that Severus hated.

"No more disappearing, do you promise? For Harry at least?" Severus added, hoping it would
encourage Remus to keep talking.

"No more disappearing, I promise."

And that was that. Remus didn't mention anything on what he'd decided, what his answer was
going to be. And Severus didn't dare mention anything, he had said he would give Remus his
space until he decided, and Severus was going to keep his word.

And so the weeks went by since that morning, Remus kept his promise. He no longer hid in
his quarters or avoided Severus. Remus always made sure to sit near Severus during meals at
the Great Hall or when they ran into each other in the staff room. He always checked in on
Harry's D.A. Club meetings and he stopped by for dinner every other Friday with Harry.

Even though Remus made the effort to be around more, their relationship had changed. They
weren't as close as they once were before that kiss, it was like they were walking on eggshells
around each other, waiting for the other to break first, to restart that discussion on the
Astronomy tower. Their conversations were always light, just small talk, mostly about Harry
and work. They also never spent the evenings together in one another's quarters for tea
anymore, something Severus missed deeply.

And the worst part about this strange thing between them now, was that Remus never met
Severus' eyes anymore. Maybe Remus was hiding the depression that Severus admitted he
saw in Remus' eyes. Maybe Remus didn't want Severus to bring up the ultimatum or force
him into answering before he was ready. Remus had to know Severus was waiting everyday
for his answer, that with each passing day filled with only polite greetings and small talk, it
killed Severus inside.

"Harry, nice to see that you found some dress robes," Severus greeted his son.

"Remus said they match my eyes," Harry muttered, his face turning red. "I still don't see why
I have to go to this thing. Especially since I can't go with Ginny. She's going with bloody
Dean Thomas!"

"Language, kid. And it'll be rude to reject an invitation. You should be grateful you're able to
go, not every student gets this opportunity," Severus gently scolded.
"You're only saying that cus you're being forced to go as well."

"Well, if I suffer then you have to suffer."

Remus laughed at Severus' comeback, causing Severus to look at him. Their eyes connected.
Remus quickly looked the other way. There was still a small spark of the old Remus,
sometimes Severus was able to catch those small moments. Each rare find gave Severus hope
that soon the excruciating, long wait would be over, and Remus would come to him with his
answer and they could be close again.

"Do you have a date yet?" Severus asked, returning his attention back to his son.

"I asked Luna…" Harry said, his cheeks blushing even more.

Suddenly Severus felt his own face heat up as he realized if this was a time he should talk to
Harry about girls and dating, or even boys if that was an option for Harry. Did the Dursleys
ever talk to him about that stuff? Severus wouldn't even know how to start such a
conversation.

"Luna Lovegood?" Remus asked. "She's a bit eccentric, isn't she?"

"Yeah, she was my safest choice," Harry shrugged.

"Your safest choice?" Severus asked. "Care to elaborate?"

"Ever since the last Daily Prophet came out stating I was the chosen one, the girls in this
school have gone completely mental! Do you know how many detours I have to take in this
castle, just to get to lessons without getting trapped under mistletoes? And Hermione told me
she caught Romilda Vane and a bunch of girls talking about slipping me a love potion! And
guess what, Hermione was right as usual! Romilda Vane was trying to offer me a gillywater
yesterday! I had no choice but to ask Luna, she's the only sane girl I could think of," Harry
explained.

"That's a bit ironic, don't you think? Why didn't you ask Hermione?" Remus laughed at
Harry's story.

"I was, but she's already got someone," Harry sighed, placing his wrapped dress robes onto a
nearby entry table.

"She's not taking Weasley?" Severus asked.

"No, they're still fighting. Hermione laughed at Ron's stupid mustache during Transfiguration
today, and well, they're definitely not speaking to each other in the far future, especially with
Lavender all over Ron."

Severus rolled his eyes at all the Gryffindor drama.

"Just don't eat or drink anything those girls offer you," Severus said, thinking he should talk
to Albus about upping security on incoming mail for silly love potions. "Lupin, Harry and I
are going to have one last Occlumency lesson before the holidays start, and then you can join
us for dinner if you'd like."

"No, thank you, Severus. I actually have plans with Tonks this evening. I'll see you later?"

"Again? You've been hanging out with her every weekend," Severus said, keeping his voice
mildly curious, succeeding in keeping the jealousy and hurt out of his tone.

"We're working on something… I've got to go, she's probably already here," Remus only
said. His eyes then landed on Harry. "Luna is lucky to have you as a date. You're going to
look amazing tomorrow! And listen to your dad, cub, keep a lookout on anything suspicious
from the girls." Remus gave Harry a quick hug, and was gone before Severus could say
another word.

Severus sighed in frustration that didn't go unnoticed by Harry.

"You two still haven't fixed whatever's going on? Severus, what happened?"

"Harry… It's…nothing…"

"Right…"

"Come on, let's get started on Occlumency."

Over the past months of Occlumency, Harry had started to improve. He was able to block
Severus at least once every lesson.

"Okay, one last try before we call it a night," Severus said, as he helped Harry up off the
ground. "Are you ready?"

Harry nodded. "Give me your best, Sev."

Severus returned to his designated spot, and without warning, shouted, "Legilimens!"

And suddenly Severus was in Harry's head, with memories swirling around him.

"Harry, you didn't even try!"

"I want to show you something, go ahead and look closely at my memories. Do you notice
anything different?"

"What are you on about?"

"Just look, dad!"

Severus probed the first memory that passed him. It was of Harry meeting Weasley on the
Hogwarts Express. Severus left it and entered another one. It was of Harry receiving his wand
when he was eleven, and of Hagrid breaking the chair as Ollivander explained the history of
Harry's wand. Another memory passed, it was of Harry seeing Severus for the first time at the
staff table next to Quirrell, and the sudden twinge of Harry's scar.

"Harry, these are just normal memories of your early years at school."

"Just look deeper!"

Severus sighed, swiping through the memories that were passing by him like old muggle film
reels. Memories of thirteen year old Harry meeting Remus for the first time on the Hogwarts
Express, of hearing Lily's screams in his head. Then twelve year old Harry escaping Tom
Riddle from the Chamber of Secrets. Harry finding the diary in a flooded girls' bathroom.
The flying car…of Harry and Weasley getting yelled at by Severus in his office. Eleven year
old Harry going after the philosopher's stone. Harry at the Dursleys, not being able to read his
letter.

Then Severus spotted a memory that was never seen here before. It was of a young Harry
looking out the window, watching Dudley learning to ride a bike. Dudley's parents were out
there with him. Petunia was taking pictures of Dudley as Vernon was helping Dudley ride his
bike without training wheels. Harry was left alone in the house, and the emotions of jealousy,
longing to be part of that family, and feeling left out and unloved was strong in the memory.

Then that memory led to another, of seven year old Harry helping Petunia cook dinner. Harry
was barely able to reach the stove, stirring a pot of pasta, accidentally burning his hands.
Harry started crying as Petunia scolded him. "You had one job, Harry! Now you're not getting
any of this! After you help me, it's off to the cupboard for you! Stop crying, you're not dying,
you insolent boy!" Severus felt the burn on his skin, felt the rejection and pain.

In the next memory, it was Christmas morning. Five year old Harry was locked in his
cupboard the whole day, listening to the sounds of Dudley and his aunt and uncle opening
presents. Severus could smell Christmas breakfast and coffee wafting through the house and
into the air vents of the tiny cupboard. Sitting next to the young memory Harry, Severus
could hear the young child's stomach grumbling. And Severus couldn't believe that the
Dursleys could be this cruel. How could they just lock a young boy away in a cupboard while
they enjoyed the holidays?

Suddenly young Harry started crying, and Severus was hit with the emotions of hunger,
feeling left out, deep sadness, embarrassment and fear. Severus looked down at Harry to see
his bed suddenly wet.

They haven't even let him out to use the bathroom! Severus realized in horror. And he
wondered how many times this had happened, how many days was Harry locked in here
without food or water or access to a restroom? Kneeling down in front of the crying child,
Severus wished there was a way to comfort his young son, to somehow let him know that one
day, this would end. One day Severus would come get Harry, vowing to never let those
horrible muggles hurt him again, giving Harry the family he'd always wanted. And Harry
wouldn't have to ever feel so alone like this again.
Harry was then finally let out in the early afternoon, and scolded harshly for wetting himself.
After he cleaned himself up, he was forced to help with preparing the Christmas dinner.
Severus stood beside Harry who was standing on a stool so he could reach the sink, washing
all the dishes while the Dursleys enjoyed a holiday feast.

Watching the young child, Severus realized Harry never had a proper Christmas. Severus felt
his heart break at the thought, even he had some early childhood memories of spending the
holidays with his family, before everything changed. Those memories helped Severus get
through the crappy ones where his father just drank himself into a coma, or spent all of his
mom's Christmas savings on alcohol.

Harry never had the experience, nothing to get him through the day. Severus promised the
young Harry as he scrubbed pot after pot, that the upcoming holiday was going to be the one
he'd always wanted to be a part of, with presents under the tree, a holiday dinner where he
didn't cook himself or wash a single dish.

The memory suddenly changed. Now Harry was locked in his cupboard, looking about four
years old, and drawing with broken stubby crayons under the dim flickering light bulb. Alert
for any sounds of the monster in the shadows, Severus could feel Harry's intense fear and
anxiety. Drawing was the only thing that kept Harry from crying. It distracted him, kept him
calm, and it was the only way he was able to show what he was feeling. Severus remembered
the shoebox of drawings he had hidden in his desk drawer, vowing to make time to look
through them with Harry so that they could discuss them.

Severus was jumping from memory to memory, each one just as sad and heartbreaking, until
he couldn't stand seeing them anymore. He closed his eyes as the sounds of the Dursleys
shouting at Harry surrounded him, along with the sound of young Harry crying. Harry's
questions on what happened to his parents and Petunia snapping at him to never ask
questions, the lie she told about them dying in a car crash. Severus was blinded by green
light, followed by maniacal laughter. The sounds of Dudley and his gang chasing Harry. The
humiliation Harry felt at having to go to school in clothes that were too big, teachers asking
about his bruises, and how Harry felt the need to close up and protect himself from adults
who could never help him. Severus felt the broken trust, the pain deep inside Harry, the
Dursley's rejection that led to the destruction of Harry's self-esteem. It was too much. Severus
couldn't hold on anymore, and suddenly, he realized what Harry was trying to show him.
These memories had all come from one place, and if Harry was allowing Severus to see
them, that meant the wall…

Severus imagined the red brick wall. The one he had accidentally found during a disastrous
Occlumency lesson. The wall that kept all of Harry's childhood trauma, protecting his most
vulnerable self, the most painful emotions from people he couldn't trust. Suddenly everything
grew quiet. Severus opened his eyes, and what he found was something he'd never thought he
would see. That wall wasn't as strong and sturdy as it was before. It was still standing, yet
most of it was a pile of rubble and Harry was there, on the other side.

"Harry!" Severus shouted.

And before Severus knew it, he was being pulled out of Harry's head. He opened his eyes,
finding himself laying on his back. Severus quickly got up to see Harry stirring as well.
Severus rushed over to Harry, pulling him up to his feet and embraced him in a tight hug.
And for once, Harry didn't flinch away. He sunk into Severus' hug, his face pressed against
Severus' chest.

"Harry, your wall is broken! When did that happen?" Severus asked, his voice not hiding the
amazement he was feeling, of something he'd never thought would happen so soon.

"I'm not sure, maybe after my relapse when you and Remus were there for me," Harry
replied, his voice muffled from being pressed against his chest. And Severus knew Harry was
listening to his heartbeat.

"How are you doing with all of those memories out of your wall?"

"I'm okay, I don't feel any different. They weren't repressed, they were always there, safely
protected from anyone who asked me questions about my childhood. I just feel like it's easier
to talk to you and Remus about them now without closing up. My wall being broken, it just
means that I trust you guys."

"Harry, I'm so proud of you, and I'm here whenever you want to talk about those memories. I
love you so much. You don't ever have to feel alone like that again, those muggles are never
going to hurt you again. And you know, I'm going to give you the Christmas you deserve."

"I …I… I love you…too, dad," Harry stuttered out, his voice still muffled against Severus'
robes.

Severus finally broke the hug and held Harry by his shoulders at arms' length, persistently
looking his son in the eye as he said, "One day, you'll be so used to saying that, it'll be as if
you've been saying that to me your whole life." And to Severus' surprise, Harry held eye
contact. He felt a rush of pride for his son, for being so strong.

Harry smiled at Severus' words. "I really am trying, dad. I really meant what I said back at
the cabin. I want to get better, I even managed to say I love you back to Remus a couple of
weeks ago."

"You did?" Severus asked, the pride he felt for his son was so strong, yet, it was tainted with
the fact that Remus didn't tell Severus this. Severus always told Remus everything about
what was going on with Harry so that Remus never felt left out. Didn't they agree this was a
shared responsibility between them? And the fact that Remus kept this milestone from
Severus, they could've celebrated over this. It was a big thing for Harry to say I love you to
them, he hardly ever admitted his affections towards his adoptive dads.

"Yeah, he didn't tell you?"

Severus shook his head, pushing the sudden hurt away, as he let go of Harry's shoulders.
"Come on, let's end the lesson for the evening. You've been doing so well, you deserve a
break."

"I wouldn't mind a game of chess," Harry suggested.

After dinner, they spent the evening doing just that, with Severus beating Harry in every
round. Harry didn't seem bothered by it, according to him, he was used to losing every time
he played with Weasley. As they played chess, they were also planning the best Christmas
Harry had always wanted when he was a kid.

"Can we invite Draco? Do you think he'll come if we ask him? We can keep it a secret, no
one would know that he's spending the holidays with us," Harry asked, as they watched one
of Harry's chess pawns destroy one of Severus' knights.

After taking a few moments to decide his next move, Severus ordered a pawn forward,
destroying Harry's pawn that just took out his knight. As they watched Harry's pawn crumble
to dust, then Severus finally answered, "You are right, it would be easy to have Draco over
without the Slytherins around for once. I did see his name on the list of students that would
be staying here for the holidays. Draco's the only Slytherin staying. You can try and ask him,
if that's what you really want, Harry. Just back off if he refuses the invitation. I don't want
Draco attacking you again."

"I'll be careful, Sev. He hasn't been coming to your lessons, is Draco mad at you? It isn't
simply cus you kicked him off the Slytherin Quidditch team is it? It's his task…"

"You're right, the task is weighing Draco down. He doesn't care much for anything these days
involving school," Severus said. He watched Harry perform his next move, ordering a knight
away from his king to destroy Severus' own knight, leaving Harry's king unprotected.

"I wish he can just accept our help. I don't know much about the task, but I do know it doesn't
have to be like this. Why is he torturing himself? He could be with us right now, if he weren't
so bloody stubborn."

"You already know, Harry. This situation is highly dangerous, but don't you worry. I'm still
watching over him. Draco isn't in danger yet. He's safe, as long as he remains at Hogwarts."

Harry sighed. "It's the holidays, the Slytherins are all going to be home. If Draco accepts my
invitation, that means he doesn't have to pretend for the next few weeks or think about his
task. He could take a break, be himself again. I just want the Draco I spent the summer with
back. I miss him."

"Ask him, Harry. I will allow it, if that's what you want."

"Thanks, dad," Harry said as he watched Severus order a knight forward towards his king.

"Dad…"

"Yes, son?"

"I have two questions, I've been meaning to ask. One about a book and another question…
about…"

Severus tore his attention away from the game and onto Harry.

"Are you still not going to tell me what happened between you and Remus?"
Severus raised an eyebrow, not missing the hesitation."Is that the question you were really
going to ask?"

Harry shrugged, his eyes casted down.

"Well then, no. I'm not going to tell you," Severus muttered, his attention back on the game.

Harry scowled in response, then scowled again as Severus took out his king, beating him
again.

"What were you going to ask me?" Severus asked, once Harry's king was destroyed.

Harry sighed, "It's just a conversation Hermione and I had yesterday in the library. She was
warning me about the girls sneaking love potions into the school. If they can easily do that,
can't Draco sneak in dark objects?"

"No, that's impossible. Our security is as tight as ever, nothing can get in here."

"But what about those love potions?"

"Those silly love potions are harmless, they won't set off the dark objects' sensors and
detectors."

"Well, what if Draco sneaks in a dangerous potion disguised as a love potion? Or something
else like that cursed necklace disguised as a Weasley object, or something else harmless?"

"No, like I've just said, that's impossible. Something as dark as that necklace, even if it were
disguised as something harmless, could never have made its way into the castle without
setting off every safety alarm, detectors, sensors and wards we have in place."

"But if there was even a chance he was able to…" Harry's voice rose.

"No, there is no chance!" Severus snapped, not letting him finish.

And Harry was now glaring down at the chess board, refusing to look at Severus. "You know,
I understood when Hermione debunked my theory… Severus, I really thought you would at
least listen!"

"Harry, I am listening. And I'm telling you, there's no possible way! I've told you all of this
before! Why are you bringing back this argument?" Severus said in exasperation.

Harry didn't answer him. He stayed silent, his green gaze still stubbornly glued onto the chess
board. And Severus could see Harry was closing up, and he didn't like that. Severus didn't
want that mental wall to be rebuilt, especially after what it took for it to be torn down.

"Harry, come on, son, look at me. Remember, no more closing up," Severus said gently,
trying his best to be patient.

Harry didn't react. His eyes still casted down.

"Harry, I am speaking to you," Severus said, his voice firm this time, letting Harry know that
Severus wasn't going to put up with him staying silent. Severus was trying his best to not lose
his temper. He was annoyed at the fact that this conversation was turning into an argument.
He was annoyed at the guilt trip Harry threw at him, and was now refusing to listen to him,
refusing to meet his eyes. Severus had enough of that from Remus, he didn't need it from
Harry as well.

But Harry refused, only shaking his head, silently fuming.

Severus really thought Harry would be done with these theories of Draco being a Death
Eater, sneaking in dark objects. Hadn't they already discussed this? There was no possible
way Draco could sneak anything into this castle, every attempt he's tried, had failed.

And Severus wanted to just tell Harry everything that was going on about the task and all of
Draco's failed attempts. About the unbreakable vow Narcissa forced Severus under, and how
this task was linked to Albus' planned death, just to spare this argument that kept coming
back up, tearing them apart. But it was too dangerous to give Harry any of that information.

Severus waited for Harry to pull himself together, waited for his eyes to finally meet his. But
Harry was still stubbornly keeping his eyes down onto the chess board.

Severus didn't mean to lose his temper, but he had enough. Before he could stop himself,
Severus slammed his hand down onto the chess board to get Harry's attention, knocking the
broken chess pieces onto the floor, causing the board to rattle. Harry snapped his head up, his
eyes finally now on Severus, glaring angrily at him

"Listen to me, kid, we've had this discussion about Draco and dark objects, and the
possibility of him being a Death Eater before. Now, what did I tell you last time?" Severus
said in his most strictest professor tone.

"To trust you!" Harry snapped.

"Yes! I am listening to you, and I'm telling you my answer! To trust me! I am watching
Draco! And believe me, I would know if he snuck in anything as dark as that necklace! I
don't want to have this discussion with you again! You know my answer! Trust me! Leave it
to me! This task is none of your concern!"

"But!"

"End of discussion! Now go, get ready for bed! It's almost curfew!"

Harry stood up, his eyes glaring, not saying a word as he went to his room. He then came
back out with his school robes on and his school bag slung over his shoulder. Harry didn't say
a word as he passed by Severus, slamming the portrait door shut behind him.

"Merlin!" Severus shouted in exasperation, knocking the whole chess game to the floor, then
stomped to his room, slamming the door behind him as well.
Still fuming from his argument with Harry, Severus wasn't ready to turn in for the night just
yet. He paced the room, thoughts reeling on how he should've handled Harry to prevent the
argument from happening between them. Maybe Severus shouldn't have lost his temper, but
he was tired of this topic coming up. It forced Severus to gaslight Harry on his suspicions of
Draco. Draco did bear the Dark Mark, the task was not only a punishment to Lucius' failure
of procuring the prophecy and getting himself arrested, this task was Draco's first test to
prove his loyalty to the Dark Lord's side.

And Harry's theories on Draco sneaking in dark objects wasn't far from the truth. Draco had
tried several times already and had failed. It was almost like Draco wasn't really trying, like
his heart wasn't in it, it most likely wasn't. Severus was tired of offering his help to Draco,
and always getting snubbed. So the past few weeks, Severus just left Draco alone, keeping
watch from a distance and making sure all of his foolish and weak attempts to kill Albus
didn't succeed and went by unnoticed by Harry and the rest of the school.

The only way to end this argument for good, was to tell Harry the truth, but the truth was not
only dangerous, it wasn't Severus' right to tell Harry. It all laid on Albus' shoulders, the plans
he had for the war, the information the headmaster was keeping to himself which not even
Severus fully had access to.

Sighing in frustration, Severus sat down at his desk, promising himself to find Harry before
Slughorn's Christmas party and apologize. It wasn't Harry's fault for getting upset, this was
all on Severus for not revealing the answers Harry was searching for, for losing his temper.
Severus didn't want to spend their first winter holidays together mid-argument.

And sitting at his desk, Severus' eyes landed on his research notes for his side project on
becoming an unregistered Animagus. They reminded Severus of Remus and the deep and
meaningful conversations they used to share. And Severus suddenly wanted nothing more
than to just get up right now and go to Remus' living quarters for a cup of tea, and talk to
Remus about what just happened between him and Harry. Severus desperately needed
Remus' advice, his reassurance, that Severus was doing the right thing in hiding the truth
about Draco to Harry.

But Severus knew if he did just that, he wouldn't be welcomed with a cup of tea, they
wouldn't spend their time discussing Harry while laying around on the sofas and armchairs in
front of the warm fireplace like they used to. It would just be mindless small talk out in the
cold corridors. Severus wondered if Tonks was still there, keeping Remus company, causing
Severus' mood to drop even more.

He was just tired of waiting for an answer that was never going to come. Severus imagined
himself getting up right now, marching straight to Remus' portrait door, knocking loudly on it
until Remus opened it. The werewolf would be wearing his muggle clothes, faded light-blue
jeans and some muggle band t-shirt. His golden hair would be a mess, covering those hazel-
green eyes that would probably shine golden as Severus demanded an answer.

But I said I'll give him his space…

And then Severus realized there was no point in even talking to Remus about his and Harry's
argument. Remus couldn't give him advice on what to do or reassure Severus that he was
doing the right thing. Because Severus wouldn't be able to fully tell Remus the truth about
Draco and Albus, it would lead to Severus revealing his forced promise to Albus and he
couldn't risk that. That realization made Severus feel more alone than ever.

And looking through the research books on becoming an Animagus, Severus remembered the
day he picked them up. It was the bookstore in Hogsmeade, the day he went with Remus,
before the kiss, before everything changed between them. And now they were at this weird
standstill, that Severus didn't know how to fix. Severus remembered the book he purchased
for Remus that day, an old fairy tale on wolves. Severus wondered if Remus finished it yet,
wondering if he even kept it.

Severus sighed, he couldn't get Remus out of his head, no matter how hard he tried. Leaning
forward on the desk with his elbows on the dark wooden surface, Severus ran his hands
through his hair, then placed his forehead into his hands, closing his eyes.

The first step to becoming an Animagus was to carry a mandrake leaf in his mouth for a full
month. Severus had started that step as soon as he, Remus and Harry had returned from their
weekend trip. Severus wasn't even sure how he managed to be successful with this first step.
Luck was just on his side, he was able to keep the leaf in his mouth after kissing Remus
several times, Remus hadn't even known.

While Severus carried the Mandrake leaf in his mouth, he worked on his research and
gathered all the items he would need for the later steps. Luckily for Severus, he was talented
in Transfiguration and Potions, and so it won't take him years like it did with the Marauders.
Severus was hoping he'll be successful before Spring.

Now that it was mid-December, the evening before Slughorn's party would mark a full month
for Severus and it would be time for the next step. Opening his eyes, Severus sighed and sat
up straight, finding the notes for the second step, going over the list of items he would need.
A crystal phial that has received the pure rays of the moon, a strand of his own hair and a
silver teaspoon of dew. He had all the items stored safely away in his lab, ready to use.

The night of Slughorn's Christmas party had finally arrived. Severus had just completed the
second step of his Animagus transformation. He finally took the mandrake leaf out of his
mouth, placing it in the small phial that contained the pure rays of the moon and a single
strand of his hair, adding a silver teaspoon of dew that had come from a place in the dark
forest where sunlight nor human feet have ever touched it. The small phial was now safely
tucked away in his lab, and in seven days time, Severus would have to perform the next step,
which was to add the chrysalis of a Death's-Head Hawk Moth and leave it somewhere dark,
until the next electrical storm. Severus was hoping it would be soon. According to Firenze,
the next storm would be between late winter or early spring.

Now dressed in his black dress robes, Severus was intermingling among the other Potions
Masters at the party, listening to their insufferable conversation on whether it's worth
improving the Wolfsbane Potion or not. Annoyed by the biased subject, Severus did not say a
word. Instead, Severus kept an eye on Harry, who was dressed in green dress robes that
indeed matched his eyes, with Luna Lovegood dressed in an eccentric silver dress by his side.
Slughorn was introducing them to an author named Eldred Worple and a known vampire that
goes by the name, Sanguini.

Harry had come back to Severus' quarters that early afternoon to pick up his dress robes that
he'd left behind last night after their argument. Severus was in his lab, checking on the
simmering Wolfsbane when he heard the portrait door open. Severus met Harry in the living
room. The silence was awkward and tense.

"I didn't think you would come back so soon," Severus said.

"I had to pick up my dress robes," Harry replied back.

"Harry, about last night. It was wrong for me to lose my temper. Your concerns about Draco
are valid, and so are your theories of dark objects being snuck in. They aren't bad theories,
just…"

"Trust you, I know," Harry finished.

"Please, son. I wish I can tell you everything I know about this war, about Draco, believe me
I do, but I cannot. It's not my right to reveal everything to you. You know that, we've
discussed this already. I'm not choosing to hide things from you."

"I know, I understand."

"Do you?" Severus asked. "Because I don't want this argument popping up again. We can't let
it keep tearing us apart."

"I know… You're right, I did say I was going to trust you… It's just hard sometimes, seeing
Draco suffer and not fully knowing why, and not being able to just help him."

"At least there's one thing you can do today."

"And what's that?" Harry asked.

"The Slytherins have gone home today. You can try and find Draco, maybe he'll drop the act
now that it's safe."

Harry nodded. "I guess I should go find him then."

"Yeah, you should… Hey, before you go, give me a hug, kid."

Harry put down his dress robes, then stepped forward and gave Severus a tight hug.

"No more arguing, okay? I love you," Severus said into the messy black hair that tickled his
nose.

"No more arguing," Harry only repeated. He let go of Severus, then stepped back, picking up
his dress robes once more. "I'll see you tonight, dad?"
"I'll be wearing black dress robes," Severus said, not at all taking offense that Harry didn't say
I love you back, it was baby steps Harry was taking to being more trusting and affectionate
towards him and Remus. Seeing that broken wall last night, Severus knew Harry was getting
there, and he was patient enough to wait.

"Of course," Harry laughed, then he was gone, off to find Draco.

Coming back to the present, Severus suddenly caught sight of Remus entering the room and
for a moment, Severus had to remind himself to breathe, to take in air, and to let it out slowly.
His stomach clenched up with nerves at the sight of Remus, dressed in midnight-blue dress
robes and his hair was combed neatly with his golden fringe away from his eyes for once.

Severus really thought he could do this, to give Remus his space, to wait until he was ready
to answer the question their friendship seemed to be paused under. And Severus wondered if
Remus knew Severus was watching him from across the room. If Remus knew how nervous
he was making Severus feel, nervous enough to possibly cause Severus' knees to give out
right from under him.

Suddenly, the sound of conversation coming from the Potions Masters was lost on Severus
when Tonks suddenly appeared at Remus' side, holding him by the arm. She was dressed in a
black evening gown and her blonde hair was long, flowing down her back in curls. Severus'
heart plummeted to see them arriving together, as if they were dating.

And seeing them together, mingling in the crowd of people with Tonks looking happy at
Remus' side as he offered his greetings to others with that smile of his, Severus realized that
he and Remus were going to be stuck in this weird distant friendship thing forever. Remus
wasn't going to choose Severus, he was choosing her. Why couldn't Remus come to Severus
and just tell him that? That Remus didn't want him… Why was Remus leaving Severus
hanging? Didn't Remus care how much this was hurting Severus? To be left hanging on by a
thread….

Severus began to walk through the crowd, not really seeing anyone. Barely nodding along
silently as people tried to converse with him, trying to ignore the fact that Tonks was pulling
Remus onto the dance floor. He began to think if becoming an Animagus, all of the work, the
long research, the task of gathering all of the materials… If it was all worth it if Remus was
just going to keep Severus on his thread, hanging forever… Severus had been brave enough
to tell Remus how he felt, that he was falling in love. He was wearing his bloody heart on his
sleeve for this man! Besides Lily, no one had ever been able to touch Severus like this, to
make him want to take down his mask and show every part of himself. Didn't Remus realize
how hard it was for Severus to let someone in?

And Severus really thought that Remus just needed time and space to think about what he
wanted. Severus tried to understand, but now he was beginning to doubt everything he saw in
Remus' eyes that night on top of the Astronomy Tower. Severus was beginning to doubt the
spark of electricity that struck through them as they kissed and the look in Remus' eyes, of
him falling for Severus too.

Did I somehow get it all wrong? Did Remus ever feel anything for me? Were we ever on the
right page? Was it all just in my head?
Remus always said he was too broken to start anything, but clearly he wasn't broken enough
for Tonks. Maybe she's the reason why Remus was making Severus wait so long for an
answer. Does Remus have feelings for her?

And at that painful, heart-wrenching thought, Severus casted his eyes back onto Remus, still
on the dance floor with Tonks, spinning her around, causing her dress to fan out around her
feet. They were laughing, and the happiness he was seeing in them, it certainly looked like
they were dating. Why was Severus so surprised by this? He had noticed them hanging out
every weekend…refusing to acknowledge the possibility of them being together as Severus
kept himself busy with his work.

Standing there among the crowd, pouring himself a second glass of red wine, Severus made
sure he was out of sight from the dancing couple. He tried not to imagine himself in Tonks'
place, dancing with Remus. He tried not to imagine himself pulling Remus close to a slow
song, with his hands on Remus' waist and those hazel-green eyes staring intensely at Severus,
and with that shy smile, only for him.

And consumed by heartache, Severus was just considering on calling it a night when
suddenly Slughorn's booming laughter was heard, followed by a pudgy and large hand that
wrapped itself around Severus' arm, pulling him forward into a conversing group. Severus,
forced out of his pity party, was suddenly met by Harry's shocked green eyes at his dad's
sudden appearance.

"Stop skulking about, Severus! Join us! We were just talking about Harry's talent in Potions!
Amazing, he is! Just like his mother! And Harry wants to be an Auror, just like his father!
How fascinating!" Slughorn gushed, his grip on Severus so tight, there was no way he could
escape.

Severus quickly winked then gave Harry his best glare as he watched his son's shock
disappear, replaced with a quiet amusement. Harry's lips were upturned into a small smirk,
unnoticed by anyone.

He's enjoying watching me suffer! The brat!

Then it was Harry's turn to suffer under Slughorn's attention, as he continued to loudly gush
over Harry on being extremely talented in Potions to the listening crowd of people, involving
Sybill Trelawney and Luna Lovegood. A couple of weeks ago, Severus had Slughorn cover a
day of lessons while he traveled deep into the Black Forest to find dew that was never
touched by human feet or sunlight. It was a whole day's task, and returning exhausted, yet
successful, and wanting nothing more than to settle by the fireplace in his living area with a
glass of red wine, Severus was hindered by Slughorn who wouldn't leave his office. Slughorn
kept going on and on about how impressed he was by Harry's talent, and how he was just like
Lily Potter, who was once a favorite student of his.

Severus was still suspicious of Harry's sudden Potions talent. There was still no way he
would have reached that level so suddenly… And Severus bore his eyes into Harry, who had
the audacity to just shrug innocently at the conversation. With his bad mood growing worse
with every second, Severus couldn't help his snide comments towards Harry in response to
Slughorn, of having the feeling that he was never able to teach Harry anything at all for the
past five years.

We're definitely talking about this soon! I've put off this mysterious Potions talent of Harry's
long enough!

Just as Severus was keeping his mask on, with his glare intact. Not daring to laugh along with
Harry at Lovegood's strange comment on Aurors, only for the reason of her leaving Slughorn
speechless for once, and to the sight of Harry drowning in his mead.

Karma for being a lying brat!

Filch suddenly barged into the party, dragging Draco in by the ear.

Severus didn't intervene as Slughorn talked Filch out of letting Draco go, he was too busy
staring angrily at Draco for causing such a scene, for trying to sneak into a party he wasn't
invited to, his father taught him better than that! If Draco wanted to attend, he could've just
asked. It was his own fault for avoiding Severus for so long. He had the idea during the
weeks leading up to the Christmas party about putting in a good word to Slughorn on the
behalf of Draco. Then Draco stopped coming to Severus' classes, and so Severus didn't even
bother. The boy didn't deserve it if he was going to be slacking off at school, task or no task!

Or perhaps, Draco was caught walking the corridors, cooking up some new foolish scheme
to complete his task, and used gate-crashing the party as an excuse? Could my godson be
anymore foolish?! Severus thought in exasperation and frustration at Draco's stubborn,
careless and idiotic behavior.

Still staying silent as Draco thanked Slughorn, kissing up to the walrus-sized professor for
letting him stay, Severus continued to observe the blonde Slytherin. Severus hadn't seen
Draco so closely in weeks. And Severus could now understand why Harry was so worried for
him, why he kept demanding Severus for answers, for thinking up theories of what Draco
might be doing.

Draco was clearly self-destructing himself, his skin was looking a little grey, a little sickly
and pale with dark circles under his eyes. His hair wasn't carefully gelled back into his usual
neat style. It hung around his face in thin and loose strands. He lost a lot of weight and the
smile he was giving Slughorn was fake. He wasn't happy at all, he was extremely stressed.
Observing all of this, Severus couldn't help but fear for Draco's mental health. It was clear
that the weight of the task was too heavy for Draco to bear. It seemed like Severus wasn't the
only one hanging on by a thread, Draco looked like he was barely hanging on as well and
was in danger of letting go, falling down a dark place where Severus could no longer reach
him.

Severus didn't want Draco to turn out like Harry, falling into cutting and suicidal thoughts.
And thinking that, Severus began to feel an intense worry and fear for his godson. He also
began to feel the heavy weight of guilt for not trying hard enough to help Draco. Harry was
right. Draco didn't have to do this task, there were other options. Albus could have Draco
under his protection. And Narcissa's vow only stated for Severus to protect Draco, to keep
him alive, and if he could not perform the task, then Severus would have to step in. Albus
had already destined Severus to perform the task. The bottom line was Draco didn't have to
do this. And Severus didn't try hard enough to make Draco understand that, he gave up too
easily. If this were Harry in Draco's place, Severus would've fought way harder. And with
that last realization, Severus decided to take this chance to reach out to Draco once again.

"Draco, a word," Severus stepped forward, noticing for the first time that Harry was still
besides Luna, his green eyes on Severus and Draco.

Severus passed Harry, whispering quietly to his son, "Don't you dare follow me. Stay here."
Harry scowled as a reply, letting Severus know he was heard.

After shrugging Slughorn's protests off, Severus then grabbed Draco roughly by the shoulder,
pulling him away from the crowd and pushing him forward, forcing his godson to walk ahead
of him. As they marched through the parting crowd, towards the door, Severus' fear, anger
and guilt towards Draco was rising high. But the eyes of the parting crowd couldn't see that,
just the expressionless mask Severus had on, revealing nothing. Except for one person in the
crowd, and suddenly Severus caught the eyes of Remus Lupin for the first time that night

And Severus knew by the worried look Remus shot him, that he saw the turmoil of emotions
going on inside Severus. Those hazel-green eyes were seeing right through his mask, making
Severus' head spin as he left the room without acknowledging Remus. Dragging Draco out
into the corridor and into a nearby classroom, it was because of that worried gaze that made
Severus forget to put up a silencing charm, just in case Harry didn't do as he was told.
 So Where Does This Leave Us?
Chapter Summary

Happy Friday! Enjoy my new chapter!

The song I used is Fall On Me By A Great Big World.

Chapter Fifteen - So Where Does This Leave Us?

Harry didn't dare breathe or move a single muscle as Severus walked by him back towards
Slughorn's party. He didn't want to think about how much trouble he would be in if his dad
caught him here in the corridors, under his invisibility cloak, obviously eavesdropping.

What's an Unbreakable Vow? was Harry's first question as he thought about the argument
he'd just heard between Severus and Draco. Severus made an Unbreakable Vow with
Narcissa? When did he do that? Was it when she stayed at the castle during the summer?
Severus never mentioned anything of it….

Harry thought of all the arguments they had in the past over Draco and his task. Severus
hardly ever revealed anything. His answer was to always just trust him. The most recent
argument they had, Severus had barely even listened to Harry. He just got angry and refused
to talk about it. This just proved that Severus knew way more about the task than he'd let on.

And Harry thought about the words spoken between Severus and Draco about Katie Bell,
about Severus mentioning more of Draco's foolish attempts to complete the task. Has there
been more incidents going on that Severus has been covering up?

Have my theories of Draco sneaking in dark objects been possible? Has Severus been
gaslighting me the whole time? Making me think that my theories were all impossible, when
in fact, I've been right? Why couldn't he just admit that? Why couldn't he just tell me, instead
of making me feel crazy? What the fuck, dad?

At least Severus did take Harry's accusations of Draco being responsible over Katie Bell into
account….

The more Harry thought about the conversation he'd just heard, the anger he felt towards
Severus began to fade. Severus had made it clear to him several times that he couldn't reveal
anything to Harry about Draco's task and Dumbledore's plans for the war. They've argued
over it enough times already, but it still hurt to hear the evidence of how much more Severus
knew and was hiding from Harry.

What shocked Harry the most, was the fact that Severus tried to perform Legilimency on
Draco without consent. To force Legilimency on someone like that was an invasion of
privacy. Severus had explained the seriousness of it to Harry after Severus was forced to
perform Legilimency on Remus to bring him out of his wolf-state-of-mind. Harry
remembered how guilty and uncomfortable Severus felt over it, he didn't even tell Harry what
he saw in Remus' mind. Severus' actions tonight just showed how desperate he was to find
out Draco's plans. And Draco was able to block Severus with ease.

And why couldn't Draco just accept Severus' help? Why was he being so bloody stubborn?
Why was he accusing Severus of stealing all of his glory? He should know Severus didn't
care for that… And Harry couldn't help but think of how Draco spoke to Severus, as if he
were truly on Voldemort's side. If Harry didn't know his dad so well, if they hadn't become a
family and still hated each other, Harry would've thought that Severus was on Voldemort's
side, trying to work with Draco… Was Severus that good of an actor? And Harry couldn't
help but remember Draco's words in the corridor at the start of the school term, before Draco
attacked him….

"I wouldn't be so quick to lay all of my trust on Severus Snape. You do know he is the Dark
Lord's most trusted and loyal servant, right? He claims to be a spy for our side or is he really
a spy for the light? Is he Dumbledore's man or the Dark Lord's? I guess no one really knows
but Severus Snape himself!"

And Harry pushed those dangerous thoughts away. He didn't want reasons to start mistrusting
his dad again.

Severus was only speaking to Draco like that because he doesn't know what side Draco's on!
He was trying to figure Draco out so he could help him! This is all on Dumbledore's orders! I
just have to trust him. I have to… He's my dad… I promised to trust him!

And Harry decided to do just that. To trust his father, instead of confronting him. To trust him
instead of being upset for hiding secrets and gaslighting Harry. The more Harry thought about
it, the whole argument did sound like Severus was trying to get information out of Draco so
he could help him. Also, Harry wasn't supposed to hear this conversation, how would he even
explain all this?

While his mind was going over what he'd just heard, Harry stayed absolutely still, just in case
Severus came back. Once Harry was sure it was safe, did he finally let out a breath, taking the
invisibility cloak off of himself.

With a small feeling of excitement making his stomach feel like it was doing somersaults,
Harry realized he finally had a chance to talk to Draco after months of wanting to see if he
was okay without fear of any of the Slytherins seeing them together. Harry had wanted to talk
to Draco earlier in the day, but he couldn't find him. He studied the Marauder's Map for hours
trying to find Draco's name. He thought about what Remus had said, the map never makes
mistakes, that meant Draco was somehow leaving the castle. But how was he doing it?

He quietly entered the classroom. It was dark with the glow of several lanterns around the
windowless room. Harry found the Slytherin sitting on top of the teacher's desk. Draco's feet
were hanging off the edge, his hands flat against the wooden surface. Draco was looking
down so that his blonde hair was covering his eyes, not aware of Harry's presence yet.
"Draco?" Harry said softly.

Draco looked up, and Harry was surprised to see tears in his eyes, streaming down his
cheeks. The circles under Draco's eyes looked deeper and darker from the shadows caused by
the lanterns, his face looking more paler and gaunt than ever before.

"Shouldn't you be at the party? Impressing Slughorn with your talents, and being everyone's
favorite hero," Draco asked, his voice cracking. Even though the words were meant to hurt,
Harry could tell Draco didn't have it in him to pretend. That meant his facade was cracked
down the middle, and Harry could see the real Draco peeking through.

"It's really insufferable in there. I'll rather be here with you," Harry said quietly.

"You'd rather hang out with me in this cold and empty classroom? Potter, just get the fuck out
of here. Leave me alone," Draco snarled. "Or do I need to punch your nose again to make you
leave?"

"Go ahead. Attack me again, but I still won't leave you alone," Harry said as he joined Draco
on top of the desk, sitting besides him.

Draco didn't say anything in response to Harry's stubbornness, just continued looking down
at his swinging feet.

"Draco, why won't you let Severus help you? This task is killing you," Harry said, keeping
his own eyes down on his lap.

"You heard him lecturing me?" Draco asked.

"Yes, but please don't tell him."

"I'm no snitch."

"Draco…" Harry pleaded. Just talk to me…

"Harry, can you just go please…."

"You know the Slytherins have all gone home now. We don't have to act like we're enemies."

Harry turned his head towards the blonde Slytherin. He didn't expect to find Draco looking at
him with blue-gray eyes that were red from crying. They held each other's gazes, and Harry
suddenly wanted to reach out and wipe the tears off of Draco's face.

"It's safe to just be you again," Harry finished, causing more tears to fall from Draco's face.
He turned away so Harry couldn't see him cry. "Why don't you stay with me and Severus
now? That way you're not alone in the Slytherin dormitory. Take a break from this task,
Draco."

"Potter, I can't just take a break," Draco choked out.

"Yes, you can. If you stay with us, I'll tell Severus to lay off of you about the task and the
way you're doing at school. You can be with us for Christmas. We're going to the Weasleys
for dinner. They'll be happy to see you again. We all miss you, Draco. Just know that, okay…
You're not alone. You don't have to isolate yourself."

"Potter, just go!" Draco snapped in annoyance.

"No, not until you understand that I'm not letting you kill yourself over this task! Draco, you
look terrible!"

"Potter, I've already gotten an earful of a lecture from Snape! Can you just stop?" And Draco
was looking at Harry again, his eyes full of annoyance, yet Harry could see the fear
underneath.

"Why do you even have to do Voldemort's task?" Harry asked in exasperation. "It's clear you
don't want to do it! You have a choice. Don't you know that?"

"Merlin, Potter! Don't say his name! And I don't have a choice!"

"Yes, you do! And if you're so bloody stubborn to choose the wrong choice, then why won't
you let Severus help you at least?"

"Why are you being so bloody annoying! You don't fucking know anything!"

"Then talk to me! I'm sitting right here next to you, there's no one here to interrupt us.
Explain to me everything that's going on so I can understand!"

"Potter! For Merlin's sake! Can you just please shut-up!"

Draco whipped his head back towards Harry. It happened so fast. Harry pulled back, his eyes
wide with shock, feeling a bit dazed. Harry didn't realize Draco's chapped lips, tasting of salty
tears, were suddenly on his own until it was over.

"Fuck! Shit! Harry, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to… I wasn't thinking!" Draco jumped off the
desk. "I have to go. Don't follow me!"

And without thinking, Harry reached over, grabbing Draco's hand just in time, pulling him
back.

"No, it's alright, don't be sorry," Harry said. "I'm not freaked out. Draco, I don't mean to push
you about your task, but can you please just talk to me. Don't forget that we're still friends.
Do you remember our pact? We'll see each other on the other side."

"This isn't the other side of the war yet," Draco replied with despair.

Harry squeezed Draco's hand, pulling him closer, so that he was standing in between Harry's
legs. Their faces were close together, so Harry could see every freckle on Draco's face, the
dark circles under his eyes, the stress lines caused from the past few months. Harry didn't
realize how much he missed his friend, until he was standing so close to him with his
Slytherin facade finally breaking.
"As much as I want to tell you about it, I cannot. Please just understand that if I don't
complete the task, he'll kill me and my family. I have to do this for them. There's no way out
of this. No one could help me, not you or Snape or even Dumbledore… And if the Dark Lord
finds out about us being friends…then I'll be seen as a traitor…" Draco held up their hands.
"This is too dangerous, don't you see that? Doesn't it worry you?"

"Stop acting like a bloody martyr! That's not even a Slytherin trait! That's more expected
from Gryffindor!" Harry snapped, causing Draco to scowl, but he didn't move away. "And of
course I worry, but it won't stop me from making the right choice. If anyone should
understand what it's like to have the most dangerous dark wizard after you, I would know
best. Or have you forgotten? Like I've said before, Dumbledore can put your whole family
under his protection. The danger of this task won't go away no matter what you decide to do.
The way I see it, you're in danger either way. If you complete the task, there's always a
chance of him killing you and your family. If you fail or betray him, it'll just happen faster.
So since you're already acting like a Gryffindor, why can't you just be brave and turn away
from Voldemort? Do the right thing, you do have a choice, Draco."

Still holding on tightly to Harry's hand, Draco only shook his head to Harry's response. Harry
watched Draco look down at their joined hands, then turned Harry's arm over, pulling the
sleeves up to reveal all of his scars.

"You had another relapse didn't you?" Draco asked, changing the subject. His voice was soft
once again, no longer shouting or filled with annoyance.

Feeling slightly embarrassed, Harry shrugged, looking away. "Severus healed it," he said
nonchalantly, trying to hide how big a deal it was.

"Was it bad?"

Harry could feel Draco's eyes on him, waiting for him to answer. Maybe Draco was trying to
find the answer without Harry saying anything at all. He just kept his eyes down on his arm
with all of its ugly scars, internally fighting himself that he wasn't a freak.

"I'm sorry for attacking you on the train, and in the corridor…"

"It's okay," Harry only said, wondering why he was okay with Draco seeing his scars, the
ugly evidence of his past. Yet, he would die of shame at the thought of Ginny ever seeing
them.

"Is it alright if I kiss you again?" Draco whispered.

Harry nodded, even though he wasn't sure what he felt about Draco. Harry saw him as a best
friend, but something closer? And Harry never thought about being with other boys before.
What about his crush for Ginny? But that fast kiss Draco gave him left Harry curious, and he
didn't mind trying again.

Draco leant in. This time he was more slower, more gentle, as he softly kissed Harry.
This was way different then kissing Cho, and she was crying as well at the time. But Draco…
This was Draco… And Harry felt something flutter deep in his stomach as the soft lips
pressed against his own, asking for entrance. Harry opened his mouth a little, feeling the tip
of Draco's tongue right before they pulled apart.

Harry took his hand away from Draco's grasp, covering up his sleeve, hiding all of his scars
once more. He wasn't sure what to do or think about what just happened. Did this mean that
he liked boys? But Harry still had strong feelings for Ginny…. Do I like boys or do I like
girls? Can I like both? Harry never thought he'd be questioning his sexuality like this….

"So will you join us for Christmas?" Harry asked, keeping the conversation normal, staying
away from the fact that they just kissed, or about the task, or even about Harry's recent
relapse.

"I don't know…" Draco answered with uncertainty.

"Well if you do decide, just know we'll be happy to have you."

Draco didn't say anything as he sat back on the desk besides Harry, turning away.

"Do you still want me to go?" Harry asked, even though he had a million more questions on
his mind just needing to be asked.

Harry wanted to ask Draco if he really was a Death Eater, and did he want to be a Death
Eater? Did receiving the Dark Mark hurt? Was this mysterious task some sort of initiation to
becoming a Death Eater? What was the task? What's an Unbreakable Vow? Did Draco have
anything to do with that cursed necklace and Katie Bell? How many incidents have there
been, and has Severus been covering them up? And how was Draco disappearing off the
Marauders Map? Where was he going? And how did Draco manage to get the hang of
Occlumency when Harry was barely making progress after months of attempting it? And
what side did Draco think Severus was truly on? Did Draco really think Severus was on
Voldemort's side?

But how would Harry ask Draco all of those questions without starting another fight between
them? Draco had already made it clear that he didn't want to talk about his task or accept
help. He probably wasn't even allowed to answer most of them.

And why did Draco kiss Harry? What did he think about it? Did he like it? Did it leave him
curious about boys like it did with Harry?

Draco only nodded in response to Harry's question. Not saying a word.

Feeling disappointed at the fact that Draco wanted him to leave, Harry wondered what's
going to happen to Draco now that he refused help from Severus. What's going to happen to
him once he succeeded the task or if he failed? Fear for his friend went through Harry,
leaving an icy chill in his body, making him shiver. But Harry didn't know what else to do or
say to reach out to him. Draco was stubborn, already set in his decision, and it broke Harry's
heart to just leave him like that. Harry felt like he was failing Draco, but he couldn't pull him
out of this situation unless Draco wanted to be helped.
"I'll just go then…" Harry muttered, feeling hopeless.

And Draco still didn't say anything as Harry left the room.

Once he was in the corridor, Harry threw on his invisibility cloak once more, walking slowly
back to the party. Harry was feeling so guilty for not being able to get through to Draco, and
he couldn't stop thinking about the argument he heard tonight. And the very fact that Harry
had just let a boy kiss him twice. And if Draco didn't want Harry's help, then fine, Harry
would just have to keep watching him on the map, just in case.

Fuming about the audacity of Draco gate-crashing Slughorn's Christmas party on some
foolish attempt to complete the Dark Lord's task tonight, Severus stormed his way back into
the party with every intention to find Harry, only to bade him a goodnight before retiring off
to his quarters. Severus had enough of being around people. He was done. And the
stubbornness and foolishness of Draco was unbelievable.

The lanterns suddenly dimmed, causing Severus to stop searching through the crowd for his
son. Severus realized the party guests were all moving aside, creating a circular space around
the dance floor where Professor Flitwick could be seen conjuring up two high-seated stools,
then lowering the ceiling candles so that they were floating in front of the crowd to eye level.
The other lanterns and candles inside the room went out, allowing the lowered floating
candles to create a glowing and warm ambience to the dance floor.

Standing in the back of the crowd, not far from the door of the office, Severus stayed where
he was, watching as Slughorn stepped into the circle. Where's Harry? So I could say
goodnight and leave… Now that everyone's distracted… Severus was thinking just as
Slughorn began to speak. There was no sign of his son anywhere. Screw it, I'm leaving!

"Ahh, midnight has passed, and that means the end of our festivities. Thank you everyone for
being here tonight. Now, I have one last holiday gift before you go!" Slughorn announced.

And Severus was just making his way towards the door.

"Give it up for our very own Professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts, Remus Lupin! And
his partner, Nymphadora Tonks!"

His partner? What is this? Severus thought. All thoughts of making a quick getaway
disappeared from his mind as Severus turned back around to suddenly see Remus making his
way to the circle with his guitar.

Severus couldn't help but notice how handsome Remus looked in his midnight-blue dress
robes, reminding Severus of the starry night on top of the Astronomy Tower. That thought led
to their last kiss, and Severus felt sick to his stomach. He couldn't stand seeing Remus right
now, sitting on that stool and tuning his guitar, with his golden hair loose from dancing all
night with Tonks, hanging over his eyes. The ache in Severus' heart was coming back
stronger than ever before.
I need to go! But Severus found himself frozen to the spot. He couldn't move his feet. And
Remus' head suddenly snapped up, instantly connecting to Severus' eyes. Those hazel-green
depths made Severus' aching heart beat fast against his chest.

The blush on Remus' cheeks was noticeable as he broke their tensed eye contact to refocus on
tuning his guitar. Severus was reminded of how shy Remus was. There was no way this was
his idea to sing in front of a crowd. Tonks and Slughorn might've put him up to this, and it
hurt Severus a bit that Remus never told him about this. Just like how he never told Severus
when Harry finally told Remus I love you. And the distance between them suddenly felt so
far.

Dressed in her black evening gown, with her blonde hair flowing down her back in loose
curls, Tonks joined Remus in the circle, sitting on the second stool with an enchanted-muggle
keyboard in front of her.

Severus despised the fact that her eyes matched Remus' dress robes, that her eyes were on
Remus, waiting for him to start as the crowd began to quiet down. Severus scowled in
annoyance, not liking the way she was looking at him as they spoke to each other, their
voices unheard from the excitement of the crowd.

The room darkened even more, setting off a candle-lit glow around Tonks and Remus.
Suddenly movement from Severus' peripheral vision distracted him for a second. He turned
his head around to see Harry coming back inside the office, taking his invisibility cloak off,
and immediately joining Lovegood and Granger.

Where in Merlin did he go?! Severus wondered. Then all thoughts of his son's whereabouts
were chased from his mind as Remus' voice suddenly rang throughout the noisy room under
the Amplifying Charm.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for sticking around to listen to us perform. This song is for
someone very special to me… This is what I should've told you that night. This is my
answer," Remus announced.

Severus snapped his head forward at those words, and Remus' eyes somehow found him
again, despite of the darkness. And Severus couldn't look away. Neither of them noticed
Tonks' reaction at those words as well. The disappointment in her blue eyes as she traced
Remus' gaze to Severus', her face blushing when she realized who the song was for.

"This is called, Fall On Me," Remus finished softly, as if he were saying it only to Severus.

And Severus wasn't fooled by the relaxed demeanor Remus was putting up. He could hear the
quiver in Remus' voice, a sign of stage fright.

Remus then tore his eyes away from Severus. He looked down at his guitar, strumming the
strings, letting out a soft melody as the flames of the floating candles flickered around him
and Tonks. The room was now silent apart from the music, and Severus realized it was the
same tune that Remus showed him in his kitchen that night after the weekend spent at the
cabin.
Did he finish his song? Is that what Remus has been doing? Why he's been so distant, and
why he's always with her every weekend? I thought he was choosing her? Is Remus choosing
me?

Then Remus looked up again, his eyes locking onto Severus' again, never wavering.
Desperate to know what was going on in the werewolf's head, Severus broke his own rule for
the second time that night. He wasn't proud of it, but his heart couldn't take it anymore.
Severus wanted to know if he was about to fall off Remus' thread.

Legilimens! Severus said non-verbally, with his wand hidden in the folds of his robes.

And staying on the surface of Remus' mind, for a second, Severus could feel how shy and
vulnerable Remus was feeling sitting on that stool with everyone's eyes on him. Severus
could feel the nauseating nerves in Remus' stomach, how much it was taking Remus to hold
it together and sing a song in front of everyone, that meant so much to him, fearing what
Severus might think of it.

Don't throw up, you got this, Severus sent out to Remus. Ignore everyone around you and
look at me. Tell me your answer.

Severus could see Remus laying in front of the fireplace in his quarters, writing in his
notebook, crossing out words and rewriting them in frustration. Trying to put everything he
wanted to say to Severus that night into words, and the emotions linked to the memory were
strong. Fear of getting hurt again. The pain that Remus still held inside of his heart. But there
was also bravery and readiness, to move on and give love another chance. Severus could feel
that the walls surrounding Remus' heart were taken down for him, and there was something
else… It was a feeling Remus had for Severus that felt like maybe it was turning into love,
and it shocked Severus. No one had ever felt that way for him…no one….

Unable to take it anymore, shaken by Remus' emotions, Severus pulled himself out of Remus'
mind.

And the heartfelt look Remus was giving him from where he sat, with the flames of the
candles reflecting in his hazel-green eyes, Severus knew that Remus felt him. He was only
seeing Severus in the room as he began to sing….

Remus

Sooner or later the lights up above

Will come down in circles and guide me to love

I don't know what's right for me

I cannot see straight

I've been here too long and I don't wanna wait for it

Fly like a cannonball straight to my soul

Tear me to pieces and make me feel whole

I'm willing to fight for it

To feel something new

To know what it's like to be sharing a space with you

Remus' soft voice rang throughout the room. Everyone had fallen into a hushed silence. And
Severus was suddenly holding his breath, as Remus still held his gaze. His hazel-green eyes
were warm, sincere and apologetic, as if he were apologizing for making Severus wait so
long for his answer.

Listening to the lyrics of the song, to what Remus was serenading to him, Severus suddenly
felt like he was floating. And it was only those eyes that were like an anchor to him, holding
him down, keeping Severus grounded.

This is his answer, he's choosing me… was all Severus could take in, feeling tears burn in the
back of his eyes. Severus refused to let them go in front of everyone, even though he was
sure no one would notice since they were all entranced by Remus' voice.

And they should be… Remus Lupin, you are a pain in my ass, yet you are enchanting… Your
answer is beautiful….

Fall on me

With open arms

Fall on me

From where you are

Fall on me

With all your light

With all your light

With all your light

Then Remus shyly tore his eyes away from Severus as he stopped singing. He casted his eyes
down onto his guitar as Tonks took over with her surprisingly powerful voice.

Tonks

Sooner or later it all comes apart

The walls are all shattered, I'm back at the start

And I'm willing to follow this

Wherever it goes

The heart has its reasons that nobody knows

And I wanna believe in a world we can't see

Millions of particles passing through me

And I know there's a meaning

I feel it, I swear

I can't see the future, but I know that it's there

Fall on me

With open arms

Fall on me

From where you are

Fall on me

With all your light

With all your light

With all your light

Remus and Tonks:

With all your light

I close my eyes

And I'm seeing you everywhere

I step outside

It's like I'm breathing you in the air

I can feel you're there

And Severus was suddenly remembering their slow trek back to Hogwarts from Hogsmeade.
Severus shyly brushing the snow off of Remus' hair, and how cold his hands were.

Remus in Severus' room, looking at his books, sitting on his bed. Those hazel-green eyes that
made Severus' legs go numb as he tried to figure Remus out.

The conversations they'd shared while fixing up the classroom for Harry's D.A. Club.
Severus finally telling Remus the memories he'd seen and the emotions he'd felt, when he
pulled Remus out of his wolf-state-of-mind.

Severus telling Remus to fall on him, letting Remus cry on his shoulder. And how Severus
just held Remus in front of the warm fireplace, chasing away the cold.

Fall on me

With open arms

Fall on me

From where you are

Fall on me

With all your light

With all your light

With all your light

The time they'd spent with Harry in the cabin, working together to be there for their kid.

The silly arguments about the cane, Remus not resting his leg, the sleeping arrangements
while cooking dinner, and Harry at the table, laughing at them.

When Severus slipped up and almost kissed Remus in front of the fireplace, with all the
framed photos on the mantle.

Their conversation late into the night, after Remus showed Severus the cage in the basement.
The tapestry with the wolves hanging in the living room, as Severus realized Remus fell
asleep.

And Remus writing this song in Severus' kitchen. His hazel-green eyes shy as he showed his
work to Severus. Remus holding his notebook close to him, the tension in the air between
them.

Watching Harry's Quidditch game together, flirting on the stands. Severus leaning in close,
tugging on Remus' Gryffindor scarf as he spoke.

The laughter they'd shared on the hill-top before Remus kissed Severus, and everything
changed.

Severus finding Remus sitting on top of the Astronomy tower, underneath the stars in the
freezing air. And the ultimatum Severus gave him. The look in Remus' eyes that night as
Severus kissed him….

With all your light

Is this really happening? Severus could only think in shock. This was clearly Remus
choosing to be with him. Did this mean Severus was finally falling off that thread? No longer
hanging in the wind, no longer waiting for an answer.

And Severus thought about that deep rooted feeling of affection for him that he felt inside
Remus' head, just moments before the song. He's fighting against his depression, the pain
and fear of his past for me. Do I really mean that much to him? Does he really feel this way?
That I'm worth taking the chance? And that thought burned inside Severus. No one has ever
felt this way towards him. He never thought he was worth being loved, and Severus suddenly
felt his throat closing up.

The nervous giddiness at the fact that Remus was choosing to be with him, was tainted by
Severus' terrible fate. Here was this broken, yet brave, and enchanting man, who was
standing up in front of everyone, tearing down his walls for him, and the only thing Severus
could give him in return was the aftermath of Albus' task.

I'm going to hurt him….

Suddenly the room began to blur at that realization. Severus wanted to be with Remus so
much, it hurt deep inside at the thought of pushing him away because of Albus' task. That
wasn't an option for Severus, he couldn't do it. It was too late. He was already falling so deep
off the thread and into love for Remus. Just like how Severus couldn't avoid falling in
parental love with Harry. It couldn't be helped. And Severus would just have to hope in the
end that they would understand, that he didn't mean to hurt them.

He had to leave, tears were starting to flow down his cheeks. Remus could find him if he
really wanted to. Severus' emotionless facade was shattered, he had to go before anyone saw.
And with his heart breaking from choosing his own selfishness over what was best for
Remus, not being able to breathe and a heavy lump in his throat, Severus turned quickly
around, leaving the room just as the song finished with Tonks' voice, followed by a huge
round of applause and cheering from the crowd.

Remus was ninety-five percent sure he was going to throw up in front of all these people as
he took his seat, placing his guitar in the right position. He wasn't even sure if Severus was
still here. Remus had watched him leave the party with Malfoy, and wasn't sure if he had
returned yet. This was a mistake. Remus shouldn't have let Tonks talk him into it. He felt so
stupid sitting in the middle of the circle among the floating candles. Trying to distract
himself, Remus started to strum the guitar, making sure it was tuned properly as the crowd
congregated around the dance floor and the lights dimmed. Remus suddenly looked up and
was immediately lost in obsidian-black eyes.

Remus momentarily forgot what he was doing. It was Severus in the back of the crowd,
watching him. Those curious, dark eyes caused Remus' stage fright to become a thousand
times worse. Feeling his stomach clenching up, now Remus really felt like he was going to
throw up, and he felt himself starting to sweat underneath his dress robes.

Fuck! Why did I do this! I look like an idiot up here! Remus thought, feeling his cheeks blush
red.
Remus broke the eye contact, trying to regain his composure as he continued to tune his
guitar. At least Severus was among the crowd so this embarrassment wouldn't be for nothing,
Remus was thinking as Tonks joined him. It was one less thing to worry about. Tonks winked
at him as she took her seat in front of her enchanted-muggle keyboard, looking as beautiful as
ever.

Over the past few weeks, Remus and Tonks had been working hard over the song. Remus
ended up writing most of the lyrics late at night when he couldn't sleep. Tonks worked on the
melody and helped Remus figure out the notes. It wasn't easy, Remus had to really search
deep inside himself to find the right words he wanted to sing to Severus. He wanted Severus
to understand exactly what Remus should've told him that night on the Astronomy tower.
Also, Remus had to be sure he was ready to start a relationship with Severus, that he really
meant what he was saying in his song.

In the meantime, it was so hard being around Severus while Remus was trying to figure
himself out. Remus didn't want to isolate himself anymore. He missed hanging out with
Severus and Harry, having dinner with them on Fridays, seeing Severus during their breaks
throughout the day. Plus, he promised Harry that their little makeshift family wasn't broken.
Whatever happens after Severus hears his song, Remus knew he had to stay on good terms
with him for Harry. The morning after Severus had given Remus the ultimatum, Remus had
managed to pull himself together and apologize for leaving Severus alone after their kiss.
Severus had forgiven him easily, just like Remus knew he would, yet they avoided the
ultimatum. Remus wasn't ready to answer yet. He always made sure to keep their
conversations light so it wouldn't lead to anything serious, inviting the topic of the ultimatum
in. And Remus always made sure he wasn't in Severus' company for very long. It was hard to
look Severus in the eye, because Remus knew he was waiting everyday for the answer that
Remus was leaving unspoken.

"Are you ready, Remus?" Tonks whispered.

"No," Remus whispered back. "How in Merlin did I let you talk me into this? I'm never
drinking with you again!"

Tonks laughed, her dark blue eyes dancing with excitement. "You'll be fine, sweetheart. Just
do what we've been practicing every weekend, pretend no one's watching."

"That's easy for you to say, you're enjoying the attention!" was the last thing Remus said,
before taking a deep breath. He then pointed his wand tip to his throat and muttered,
"Sonurus." At the same time, Remus caught Harry coming into the office and joining his
friends, just as the room darkened even more. All Remus could see were the flickering flames
of the candles and the silhouettes of the crowd.

Remus' stomach was now feeling as if there were a bunch Cornish Pixies flying around
inside, threatening to bring back up its contents if he didn't get off this stool right now. And
feeling like he was moments from passing out, Remus took another deep breath to calm
himself down. He had never realized he suffered from bad stage fright.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for sticking around to listen to us perform. This song is for
someone very special to me… This is what I should've told you that night. This is my
answer," Remus announced.

Despite of the dimmed lighting, among the crowd of people, Remus suddenly found Severus'
eyes once again.

"This is called Fall On Me," Remus' voice shook. He tried to imagine he was telling this only
to Severus, hoping no one was noticing how nervous his voice sounded. And again, Remus
wondered why he'd let Tonks talk him into this. He was never drinking wine with her again.

Remus looked back down at the strings of his guitar, trying his best to ignore everyone
staring at him. He was thinking of only Severus' eyes. Imagining that they were back on the
Astronomy tower that night, Remus was wearing Severus' winter robes that he had yet to give
back to him. They smelled like him, hanging in Remus' closet. A part of Remus had hoped
that if he kept them, Severus would come to his quarters asking for them.

He started to play the melody of the music, looking back up and immediately catching
Severus' eyes once more.

Then suddenly Remus felt an odd sensation in his head, like something was pushing through.
Something warm and calming, and Remus still keeping his steady eye contact with Severus,
realized what he was doing. Remus allowed him in.

Don't throw up, you got this. Severus' voice was somehow in Remus' head. Ignore everyone
around you and look at me. Tell me your answer.

And in response, Remus remembered all the late nights of trying to write this song,
remembering the frustration of feeling so blocked, trying to get what he felt out of his head.
The things he wanted to tell Severus. How he was afraid to fall in love again. How broken
Remus felt inside. How Remus had to let go of the fear Sirius left him with in order to be
brave and accept the love Severus was willing to give him. And for Severus, Remus was
willing to go through it again. To tear down his walls and allow himself to fall so deeply in
love, that if there were a possibility of Remus getting hurt again, he would never be the same.
And as Remus felt Severus' presence leave his mind, he realized he was no longer afraid to be
torn to pieces for love, if only that love was Severus.

Severus' calm supporting message in his head was the only thing that took away Remus' stage
fright. The feeling of Cornish Pixies in his stomach faded away as Remus did what he was
told. Locking his eyes on Severus, pretending they were back on the Astronomy tower that
night. And Remus was confiding in Severus everything he meant in this song, with no one
else around. Just them in the freezing air, under the starry sky. And Remus hoped Severus
was seeing that in his eyes, that he saw it in the lyrics of his song, heard it in his voice, that
Remus was choosing Severus. And he was so sorry for making him wait so long.

Sometime during the song, Remus had lost his eye contact with Severus. And as he and
Tonks lowered their voices to the last notes, then finally finishing, Remus looked back up as
the candles brightened the room once more, only to find that Severus was gone.

Severus! Remus thought as everyone in the room started clapping and cheering. Did my song
scare him away? Did he hate it? Why did he leave? I have to find him! I have to know what
he thinks about my answer!

"Remus!" Tonks shouted excitedly, pulling Remus into a tight hug. "We did it, we did it!
They loved your song!"

Overcome with an urgency to find Severus as soon as possible, it took everything in Remus
to remain calm and hug Tonks back, trying to share in her joy, but he couldn't when Severus
had suddenly disappeared. The nerves in his stomach that Remus was feeling before the
performance were back stronger than ever, making him feel like he was in danger of throwing
up again.

"Remus, let's have one more drink! We need to celebrate!"

"No, Tonks, I have to go." Remus hugged her tight, hoping she'll somehow understand as he
then stepped away. And at her hurt facial expression, Remus added, "But you were amazing,
thank you for your help! I'll owl you, okay!"

"Are you going to find …"

"Remus! My boy!" Slughorn's voice boomed, interrupting Tonks. "And Tonks! Amazing you
both were! With voices like that, let me know if you ever want to break into the business. I
got a few contacts…"

But Remus didn't stay, he took advantage of Tonks' distraction with Slughorn and rushed
through the crowd towards the door. Fighting his way through hands patting his back and
shoulders, trying to pull him into conversation to congratulate him and talk to him about his
song, Remus found himself stuck in the middle of the dance floor. With the party guests
surrounding him, the door suddenly felt very far away. Remus had to find Severus. He
couldn't bear another second not knowing what Severus thought of his song, his answer to the
ultimatum that kept them at a distance for weeks.

"Ooh look, there are Nargles in that mistletoe!" Luna Lovegood suddenly shouted, pointing
over the large mistletoe hanging over the dance floor.

"Oh, I think I see one!" Hermione's outburst distracted the crowd of people Remus was stuck
in, causing them to move aside as they looked up.

"Remus!"

Remus felt the familiar weight of the invisibility cloak over him. Harry was standing in front
of him, pulling him to the doorway, away from the distracted crowd.

"Harry!" Remus said in relief and gratitude as they stepped out into the empty corridor."I
can't thank you enough!" Remus took off the cloak and handed it back to his cub.

"I saw Severus leave just as the song was ending." Harry held up the map, showing Remus
the dot that represented Severus. "He's in the courtyard."

"Cub, I bloody love you!" Remus swept Harry up into a hug, practically lifting him off his
feet. And the fact that Harry laughed at Remus' sudden show of affection rather than
flinching away, made Remus' heart swell.

"Go after my dad, Remus!" Harry said as Remus put him down.

And Remus didn't need anymore encouragement. With his dress robes fanning out behind
him, Remus sprinted up the steps, out of the cold and dark dungeons, and towards the
courtyard as fast as he could.

It was cold out. Remus could feel it even in his heavy dress robes as he finally arrived at the
snow covered courtyard gasping for air; his breath coming out in a fog. There was a stitch in
his side, and the old injury in his leg was now throbbing. However, Remus barely felt the
pain, and the cold hardly bothered him as he spotted Severus sitting on a bench with the
moon casting its silvery light on him, causing Remus' stomach to feel as if it flipped upside
down.

For a moment, Remus just stood there. The nervousness he was feeling was now greater than
his stage fright. It overshadowed the sudden urgency Remus had felt to get to Severus.

With his back facing Remus, Severus suddenly asked, "Did you run here?" His voice echoed
off the stone walls as Remus tried to control his heavy breathing, his heart pumping a mile a
minute.

"You left," Remus gasped.

"I had to…" Severus' voice cracked. "Sit down, Lupin, before you pass out."

Leaving footprints in the snow, Remus made his way to the bench and sat next to Severus.
Trying not to shiver from the cold, or maybe from sitting so close to him.

"Do you remember the first time we sat here together?" Severus asked, his head was bowed
down and slightly turned away. The curtains of Severus' dark hair hid his face.

"I've just woken up in the hospital wing, and I wanted to take a walk. Madam Pomfrey made
you take me. I was afraid you'll curse me with that glare of yours," Remus said. He would've
laughed about it if he wasn't so nervous.

He remembered that day clearly, as if it were yesterday. Remus remembered thinking how
different Severus was from the last time he saw him, before Harry's rescue mission had set
out. And Remus remembered the argument they had, how cold and annoyed Severus acted
towards him. Remus didn't think they could ever get over their past. Now, here they were,
sitting on the same bench, about to talk about a possible relationship starting between them.

"I apologize for being rude that day. I just didn't know how I felt about you. I just saved your
life, and it was hard for me to still hate you. It irritated me. I didn't know how to act around
you."
"Severus, why did you leave?"

Remus didn't want to reminisce right now. He wanted to talk to Severus about where they
stood, what was becoming of their friendship. What Severus thought of his song, his answer
to the ultimatum Severus had given him. Remus hesitantly placed his hand on Severus'
shoulder, turning the Potions Professor towards him, so Remus could meet Severus' eyes.

And to Remus' surprise, the mask that Severus usually hid behind was gone, showing Remus
a most vulnerable side of Severus he had never seen before. Tear tracks stained Severus'
cheeks. Remus had never seen him cry before. He rarely showed his emotions around other
people. The only ones who Severus would let his guard down for were Remus and Harry, and
perhaps Dumbledore.

Remus didn't say anything. He just held Severus' gaze, letting himself get lost in teary
obsidian-black eyes. He felt like he could stare into them forever, he was falling….

He was falling in love with Severus Snape.

"There you are… It's nice to look you in the eye again," Severus said softly, pulling Remus
back out of his daze.

"Severus…" Remus softly pleaded.

Was I too late? Does he not feel the same towards me anymore?

"I'm sorry, Remus. I didn't mean to leave. I just didn't want anyone to see me like this."

"I guess my song was that terrible, huh?" Remus joked, only to shake away his fear of
Severus possibly rejecting his answer.

"Your song was not at all terrible, it was beautiful. You are an amazing writer, and I can't
believe it's for me. I… I apologize for using Legilimency on you. I just needed to know what
you were thinking. We've been so distant, and I was caught off guard by your song. I felt your
emotions… I've never been seen in that way, Remus. Then this just started happening!"
Severus gestured towards his face full of tears.

"Aw, Severus," Remus chuckled, reaching up and wiping Severus' tears away. "It's okay to let
people see you cry sometimes."

"Not for me, it isn't," Severus frowned.

Remus then pushed a few strands of his dark hair behind Severus' ear. "So this is the real
Severus no one else sees? I think I like him…" Remus said softly, wiping away more of his
tears with his sleeve. "Tell me about this mask of yours, why do you wear it? Why can't you
let people see that you have emotions just like everyone else; you're not a robot."

"What's a robot?" Severus asked.

"Never mind. Go on, Severus, tell me," Remus said with his breath fogging up. He put his
hands back down, and into the warm pockets of his robes.
Severus sighed, his breath coming out in an icy fog as well.

"I wear it because letting others see me like this, so vulnerable, such as crying… I can't risk
that. That's why I left. Not because of your song, but because I'm not allowed that privilege
with my positions in the war."

Remus nodded, listening as Severus continued.

"I'm supposed to be Severus Snape, the Dark Lord's favorite Death Eater who's heartless,
evil, cruel… That won't bat an eye while someone's being tortured. That's the main role I
have to keep. The one that's most important for Albus. Then I'm Severus Snape, Albus
Dumbledore's trusted spy for the Order of the Phoenix. Ironically, the one everyone mistrusts,
which makes it more convincing to the Dark Lord that I'm really on his side. To the students
of Hogwarts, I'm Professor Snape. The slimy git of a Potions teacher who favors the students
of the Death Eaters.

I'm never allowed to be myself because it's dangerous. In order to protect myself from the
Dark Lord, I've created my mask to hide everything I feel inside as I act out my most
important role, so he wouldn't figure out where my true loyalties lie. And to do that, I have to
wear the mask all the time, so I don't ever slip up while in his presence. That's why I can't be
vulnerable like this around anyone. It's too dangerous. Only Harry and Albus have seen me
cry, have seen the real me, and now you too. You three are the only exception."

Who would've known Severus Snape, the slimy Slytherin who Remus and his friends used to
hate, would one day risk so much for the light side of the war. What happened fifteen years
ago to make Severus change sides and serve Dumbledore so loyally? It was a huge part of
Severus' life that Remus was missing and wanted to know more about. But should he dare
ask something so private? What if he didn't like the answer? What if it made Remus see
Severus differently? Like Lily… She tried her best with Severus in the past, to hold on to
him, until she was forced to give up on him, losing her best friend to the Dark Arts. Thinking
of Lily, Remus realized he already knew the answer. Severus had admitted his greatest
mistake back in September, during one of their late evening conversations over tea. Severus
blamed himself for the deaths of Lily and James Potter… It was the only thing big enough
that might've caused Severus to switch sides.

"Severus, do you mind me asking something very personal? You don't have to answer, I just
remember how deep you were in the Dark Arts after we graduated, not even Lily could pull
you out. What happened to you as a Death Eater to make you change your loyalty to
Dumbledore? Was it your role in the Potter's deaths?"

In the light of the moon, Severus' face paled slightly at the mention of his past mistake, the
one that changed Harry's life forever. The one that costed his best friend.

"Yes, Remus, exactly that. I was so foolish. I thought the information I carried would make
me stand out, make me powerful. I wasn't thinking that the information I had would change
so many lives. I was a stupid kid, so wrapped up in a war I didn't understand. And the second
I told the Dark Lord the prophecy, I realized the stupid mistake I made. He was obsessed over
the Potters and the Longbottoms. I was afraid for Lily. I went to Dumbledore telling him
everything that happened and what I've done. He vowed to protect them, keep them safe, as
long as I stayed loyal to him."

"But Lily died, Albus didn't keep his part of the deal. What made you remain loyal to him?"
Remus asked.

"Her son…" Severus said. "I vowed to protect Harry for her. I loved her. And I led her to her
death."

And suddenly more tears ran down Severus' cheeks.

"For fifteen years I was okay with masking my emotions. Pretending to be emotionless was
better than having to feel the pain and guilt over Lily. Then I took in Harry, and my mask
began to crack. Then you shattered it with your song. The next thing I know, I'm crying in
front of everyone. That's why I had to go. I couldn't let them see. I'm just like you, Remus.
You grew up having to hide your emotions, I had to hide mine for fifteen years. You must
understand that it's not easy to show that vulnerable side to others when forced to hide it for
so long. I don't even have a choice on the matter."

"Of course I understand, Severus. Better than anyone."

Remus watched as Severus covered his face with his hands, as if that would stop the tears
from falling.

"Fuck! Why can't I stop crying!" Severus shouted in frustration.

"It's good for you," Remus smiled at his words, then reached over and pulled Severus close to
him. "You've let me cry on you so many times, I've lost count. Come on, Severus, just let it
out. No one's around, only me."

Still covering his face, Severus leaned against Remus, who wrapped an arm around his
shoulders, pulling him close, holding him as he finally let himself cry. And once Severus was
all out of tears, did he sit up, wiping away his tears with his sleeve.

"Do you feel better?" Remus gently asked, rubbing Severus' back a couple of times before
pulling away his arm. Returning his hands back inside his warm pockets, trying not to shiver
from the frosty air.

Severus nodded. "I'm sorry… Your song just really moved me, Remus… And then telling
you about Lily… Can you tell me more about your song?"

"Okay… Do you mind me telling you a bit about me and Sirius first? I know you hated him. I
don't blame you, he was a prat to you. You only saw the worst of him, but I once loved him…
I saw the best in him."

Severus nodded.

"When Sirius returned from Azkaban, he was a different person. He was a stranger. The only
time I would catch a glimpse of the old version of himself was when Harry was around. He
drank all the time, causing the most nastiest fights between us. We've both said things to each
other so hurtful, and then he would apologize once he was sober. I would forgive him every
time, cus I couldn't let him go. I still loved him, after all those years of him being locked up.
It was a toxic cycle we were in. It messed me up.

And the night of Harry's rescue mission, after that argument we had in front of everyone, I
gave him a choice to stay behind for me and Harry or join the rescue team and it's over
between us. He chose to go, so we broke up. Then he died. Sirius died thinking I no longer
loved him. And I let him go. It was the hardest thing I had to do to hold Harry back while I
watched him fade away into the veil. And the look in his eyes haunted me. I couldn't bear the
grief. It was so bad, I spent the days drinking, I was barely sober. I hid in Grimmauld Place,
away from everyone, because it was hard for me to control the wolf inside. It was always
seen in my face and in my eyes. Then Albus gave me the mission and I accepted it, because I
knew there was a high chance of me getting killed. And I took it… I wanted to die, Severus.
That's why I distanced myself from Harry, why I just left… I wanted to die…" Remus' voice
cracked.

For a while, Remus didn't say anything more. He couldn't, not when he was reminded of that
dark place he was in just months ago, the dark place Sirius left him in. But Remus didn't hate
him for it. Not all of it was Sirius' fault, it was Remus' as well. He should've tried harder to
get Sirius to stay, he should've tried harder… And suddenly Remus felt Severus gently
pulling his hand out of his pocket, entwining his fingers with his own. Remus glanced at
Severus who was silently waiting for him to continue, his dark eyes solemn at what Remus
admitted. And as they sat there in silence, snow began to fall, landing on their shoulders and
into their hair.

"Remus, are you okay? Do you still feel like that?" Severus said, breaking the silence.

Remus stared down at their entwined hands.

"No I don't, not anymore…"

"Just promise me if your depression gets really bad to the point where you're back in that
dark place, talk to me, okay?"

Remus only nodded, then continued, "Severus, you asked me if I remembered the last time
we sat out here together. I remember that day clearly, as if it were just yesterday. We were
sitting out here under the sun on this bench. I was so messed up with the memories of my
time with Greyback crashing down on me and the wolf was still fighting against me. You
were like an anchor holding me down, even though you hated me and I was weary of you. I
felt safe with you, I began to see how much you've changed. I was already drawn to you
before I even knew it myself.

There's just been something about you since that day. I have built up walls around my heart,
around my soul. I was done falling in love. I was broken. Love wasn't an option for me
anymore. But you crashed into me and I fought against it. I couldn't let you in and get hurt
again, I was afraid. I couldn't bear going down that dark place again, like I did with Sirius. I
was already dealing with my guilt and trauma over Kaylie. I didn't want to be suicidal again.
I didn't freak out because you told me you were falling in love with me, I freaked out because
I was falling for you as well.
I really like you, Severus, I really do… And I'm so sorry for leaving you on that hill, for
keeping you waiting. I had to pull myself together first. I wanted to be sure that this is what I
wanted.

My song's about me fighting against my fear of love, taking down my walls for you. Because
I can't deny you anymore or the feelings I have for you. I'm bloody afraid, but I'm willing to
risk it all again so I can know what it's like to be loved by you. And that's my whole answer
to your ultimatum. I am choosing you."

"Remus… Merlin… You're driving me bloody insane, do you know that?" Severus said,
letting go of Remus' hand to cup the side of his face, angling himself on the bench to face
Remus better. "Thank you for writing that for me. Thank you for opening up to me, I'm sorry
you were in such a poor state after Black's death. I understand now why you kept pushing me
away, and I'm sorry I was insistent. It's just… I'm enchanted by you, Remus Lupin. I have
been for months, ever since I sat on this bench with you…"

"Me, enchanting?" Remus smiled, looking into Severus' eyes, losing himself in the obsidian
depths. He leaned closer to Severus so his eyes were the only things Remus could see.

"So where does this leave us?" Remus whispered, his breath fogging up and his heart beating
fast. Remus' body was suddenly shaking harder than ever.

For an answer, Severus tilted Remus' chin up, causing the return of the Cornish Pixies to
flutter around in Remus' stomach. Remus forgot to breathe as Severus closed the space
between them and pressed his lips hard against Remus' own. The tip of Severus' tongue was
suddenly pushing against Remus' lips. It was all Remus could do to hold himself up as he
invited Severus in, kissing him back, melting into Severus. The scent and taste of Severus
Snape consumed him. Red wine from the party. The scents of Wolfsbane and Mandrake
leaves. The scent of the shampoo he used that morning, and the scent of frost on his dress
robes from the falling snow. A subtle hint of coffee. The salt from his tears. And the only
thing Remus could think of as they kissed on that bench, was that everything that had
happened between them during the past weeks, all the heartache, uncertainty and fear, the
distance, it was all worth it, because it all led to this very moment, to this very kiss.

And they kept kissing, not once letting go. They were suddenly filled with a desperation to
just take each other in until they both had to stop, only to breathe. And with their foreheads
still pressed together, the warmth of their heavy breaths intermingling as they looked into
each other's eyes, Remus knew there was no going back now, for both of them.

"Severus Snape, who knew you were such a romantic," Remus teased, pulling away to reach
up and brush the snowflakes out of Severus' hair and shoulders.

Severus reached up and caught Remus' hand, squeezing it gently as he stared at Remus with a
sudden pensive expression.

"Remus, you have to know that I'll never hurt you like Black did. And no matter what
happens with this war, no matter how bad things may get, just remember that I love you.
Don't go back to that dark place. Please, promise me, Remus. Promise you'll understand,
you'll be strong when the war gets closer," Severus said so quietly, gripping onto his hand.
Remus could hear the desperation for him to understand in Severus' voice.

"Severus…" Remus said, feeling a bit nervous by his foreshadowing words, taking away the
giddiness in his stomach from just having made out with him.

"Remus, you know I can't tell you anything. Just remember this moment, okay. That I love
you. That I'll never willingly hurt you, whatever happens. Just promise…please…" Severus'
dark eyes were searching his face, waiting for Remus to answer.

"I promise," Remus whispered, wondering what Severus meant by this, wondering if this had
to do with the secret he was hiding deep inside himself. The one that was sometimes shown
in Severus' eyes when his mask was down and he thought no one was looking at him. The
one that caused Severus' smile to sometimes falter. The one Remus had tried to question a
few times, but now knew it was useless to try.

It worried Remus, wondering what this might mean for them in the future, but he was willing
to take the risk. After all, that was what his song was about. If Remus let himself fall deeply
in love, only to get hurt again, he was okay with that. Remus was going to pull through. It
would all be worth it. As long as he had the chance to feel this thing between him and
Severus. He had no choice anyways, not after that kiss.

And Severus didn't say anything more. He placed his hand on the nape of Remus' neck,
pulling him forward to kiss him again. But still lost in his thoughts, Remus pulled away.

"So, you love me?" Remus asked, feeling Severus' fingers tangling in his hair, noticing his
lips red and swollen from their kissing.

"You don't have to say it back yet, not until you're ready. I won't even say it again until you
do," Severus said softly with his eyes on Remus' lips, leaning forward to kiss him. But Remus
still had more to say.

"You're right. I'm not ready yet. But I do like you, and I know I'm falling… It's okay to tell
me whenever you want. We are boyfriends, aren't we?" Remus said as Severus stared at him
with a soft gaze, listening.

"I'm okay with that. I can be patient," Severus replied, leaning forward to nuzzle the side of
Remus' neck, planting soft kisses up and down his skin, making Remus' heartbeat speed up.
"And yes, you are my boyfriend."

"You know I'm broken, Severus," Remus said, closing his eyes and arching his neck to allow
Severus better access, enjoying the feel of his gentle kisses and warm breath against his skin.

"Yes, I'm broken too," Severus muttered back between kisses.

"I'm a werewolf, a dark creature. It wouldn't do to mix with my sort." Remus wrapped his
arms around Severus' waist, pulling him closer.
"And I'm a Death Eater, a spy that's too deep into this war. Who knows if I'll make it out
alive," Severus muttered back, trailing kisses up Remus' neck, kissing the line of his jaw, and
up to his lips.

Remus kissed him back, feeling butterflies fluttering around in his stomach at the taste of
Severus in his mouth. And when he could no longer breathe, Remus pulled away again.

"I'm a mess, Severus. I've got gray hair, nightmares every night. Maybe a drinking problem…
Are you really sure you want to be with me?"

That question made Severus stop, pulling away from Remus with an exasperated expression.

"Stop trying to give me reasons to fall out of love with you. Especially when you're just
telling me reasons why I love you!"

"So you really love me?" Remus smiled. "We really are boyfriends then?"

"Yes! Just shut up and kiss me, Remus!" Severus said in frustration, causing Remus to laugh
before finally kissing Severus with no more interruptions.

And suddenly it was just them in the falling snow, with fast beating hearts and butterflies in
their stomachs.

"Remus, you're shivering. Let's get you inside," Severus said softly after they finally pulled
away from each other.

"I don't think I want this night to end," Remus sighed, standing up and trying not to show his
chattering teeth. The snowflakes were starting to come down harder, leaving the courtyard
covered in fresh white sparkling snow.

They held each other's hands as they walked slowly back to Remus' quarters. Once they
arrived at the portrait door, Severus pulled Remus towards him, embracing him in a hug.

"You look beautiful in your dress robes. I wished I would've danced with you tonight,"
Severus whispered softly in Remus' ear. His warm breath making Remus shiver.

"Were you watching me the whole night?" Remus asked.

Severus didn't answer. He just held him tighter for a few moments, before letting go.

"Good night, Remus. I'll see you tomorrow for breakfast? Harry will be back in my quarters
now that term has ended. Would you like to spend the holidays with us?"

"That sounds lovely. How about we go back to the cabin?"

"Christmas in the log cabin, in the middle of the woods? That sounds perfect. Harry will be
excited. I have to catch you up on everything about him."

"Yeah, it's been a while since we've actually talked. I'm sorry for being so distant."
"Don't be," Severus said, pecking him softly on the lips, then pulling away. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Severus."

And Remus watched his boyfriend walk down the hall, not quite believing how the night
turned out.
 We're All Mad In Our Own Way
Chapter Summary

Disclaimer: I don't own the song lyrics from Fall On Me By A Great Big World or the
Passage from Alice's Adventures In Wonderland by Lewis Carrol

Warning: Adult Sexual Content

Enjoy your Saturday read!

Chapter Sixteen - We're All Mad In Our Own Way

Sooner or later the lights up above

Will come down in circles and guide me to love

I don't know what's right for me

I cannot see straight

I've been here too long and I don't wanna wait for it

Severus had woken up early the next morning with Remus' song stuck in his head, and the
memories of last night replaying over and over. The sun was barely rising. He couldn't go
back to sleep, not with those eyes in his head, not with the ghost of those soft lips still on his
own.

How did Severus go from sulking among the party-goers, drinking too much wine as he
drowned in his heartache, to being serenaded, then spending the rest of the night kissing
Remus Lupin out in the courtyard with snowflakes landing in their hair and on their
shoulders?

Now they were boyfriends. Severus couldn't believe he had a boyfriend! Severus never
thought this sort of thing would happen to him, to find someone special enough to accept and
understand him, even all the darkest parts of him.

And it was so hard to leave Remus in front of his portrait door last night, when all Severus
wanted to do was to continue kissing him.

Severus stayed in bed. Not noticing the sun climbing higher into the sky until its rays began
to brighten his room with a soft glow. Severus was too lost in his thoughts, replaying Remus'
song in his head. His voice had certainly enchanted Severus last night.
Fly like a cannonball straight to my soul

Tear me to pieces and make me feel whole

I'm willing to fight for it

To feel something new

To know what it's like to be sharing a space with you

The lyrics of that song gave Severus shivers with their underlying message. And the way
Remus locked his gaze onto Severus as he sang, his voice echoing around the candle-lit
room. Severus felt his stomach clench at the memory.

Closing his eyes, Severus tried to savor the feel of Remus in his arms, the taste of Remus on
his tongue as he kissed and suckled at his neck. Severus was certain Remus' intoxicating
scent still lingered on himself. And the way Remus' face was so close to Severus' own, that
all Severus could see were those hazel-green eyes that always reminded him of a wooded
forest in the summertime… Merlin…Severus already missed Remus, even though they've
only been separated for a short amount of hours.

Severus wondered if Remus was still sleeping. Perhaps he was just waking up with the
memory of last night on the forefront of his mind, just like Severus had. Is he thinking of me?

"Sev?" Harry called out, snapping Severus out of his day-dreaming.

Severus pulled himself out of bed, shivering slightly from the cold air of the dungeons. He
put on his warm bathrobe over his pajamas, then combed his fingers through his hair,
smoothing out the tangles before meeting Harry.

Severus hadn't meant to stay in bed that long. He had planned to be up before Harry arrived.
And Severus found his son standing by the portrait door, dressed in muggle jeans and a
Weasley sweater with his knapsack packed to spend the holidays in their quarters.

"Are you barely getting up?" Harry asked at the sight of Severus still in his pajamas and
messy hair.

"Long night," Severus only said, giving Harry a one-armed hug. "Breakfast?"

Harry grinned at Severus as he put his knapsack down on an armchair. "Yeah, it was a long
night," he laughed.

"Do you want breakfast or not?" Severus asked again with annoyance.

"I could use some food," Harry laughed again.

Severus rolled his eyes at his son's antics as he turned back around towards his room.

"Just give me a few minutes to shower and dress. Why don't you floo call Remus?" Severus
suggested, feeling his stomach flip at himself for mentioning his new boyfriend's name.
"Okay, did he have a long night too?" Harry called out, just as Severus was closing his
bedroom door.

Out of the shower, and holding his wardrobe open, Severus stared at his many pairs of black
pants, his white shirts and long black robes. And for the first time in years, Severus wished he
had something different to wear.

Severus caught his reflection in the small hanging mirror on the wardrobe door. His wet hair
was plastered against his head and neck. Once it dried out, it would resume its usual oily
look. No matter how much Severus washed his hair, the potion fumes always had that effect
on him. However, his hair wasn't as bad as it used to be back when he was a teenager.
Severus looked into his own cold black eyes. His skin was too pale to be considered
attractive. Behind his chapped lips were his crooked teeth. His nose was certainly too big, a
flaw that the Marauders never let him forget. Severus didn't need their reminding, he knew he
wasn't a handsome man. Not like Remus who was considered easy on the eyes with his soft
features and light-brown hair that was considered golden. And with those friendly eyes and
that mischievous smile. Remus, who always wore muggle clothes when wizarding robes
weren't required.

And the question: what did Remus find attractive in him? burned in Severus' mind, making
him feel more self-conscious than ever before.

Severus sighed in defeat at the sight of his robes. These would just have to do….

Once he was done getting dressed, Severus found Harry in the kitchen pulling things out to
make eggs for breakfast.

"Sit down, son, I got it. Remember, you're not allowed to cook anymore for anyone until you
come of age."

Harry shrugged, "I got the coffee going for you."

"Okay, you're allowed to do that and only if you want to."

Severus poured himself a cup, enjoying his first sip. The aroma of the coffee took away all of
his insecurities, making him feel silly. Severus knew Remus liked him for more than just his
looks.

"What's with you and coffee?" Harry asked, taking his usual seat at the table.

"You'll understand when you're older," Severus said, taking another sip before placing his
mug down on the counter to get started on breakfast.

"So you really don't want to talk about last night?" Harry asked teasingly.

"What's there to tell?" Severus said, cracking eggs open into a bowl.

"Fine, be that way," Harry sighed in defeat.

"You're way too much in my business for my liking," Severus said as he finished cracking the
last few eggs and began to whisk. "Did you ever get a hold of Draco? Is he joining us for the
holidays?"

"Yeah, I told Draco that he's welcome to come here. But I don't think he's going to," Harry
said. The teasing tone in his voice was gone, replaced by resignation.

"You tried, Harry. That's all we can do. Draco knows there's support from us if he ever
decides to take it."

"I know… And now I see why you're keeping your distance. Hovering over him just pushes
Draco further away. When I talked to him, I could see the suffering in his eyes, hear it in his
voice. He doesn't look good. Draco really doesn't want to perform the task, but he says he has
no choice. I told him there is but he wouldn't listen. He's so bloody stubborn!"

"Just like someone else I know," Severus only said, pouring a bit of cooking oil into a pan.

"Hey!"

"Did you floo call Remus?" Severus asked, successfully hiding the nervousness he felt at
seeing Remus again.

"Yeah, he's getting dressed and packing. He's mentioned the cabin!"

"Yes, we're spending the holidays there. So after breakfast, make sure you have everything
that you want to take with you ready, and bring your homework."

"Awww, Dad. Can't that wait till we get back?"

"No complaining. Speaking of homework, what's with you and Potions all of a sudden?"
Severus asked as he began to pour the raw eggs into the pan. He missed Harry's face pale at
the mention of Potions.

"What do you mean?"

"Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about!" Severus snapped as he turned
towards Harry with a spatula in his hand.

Just then the living room glowed green and a moment later, Remus stepped into the kitchen
wearing his usual light blue muggle jeans and a green sweater. Harry looked relieved at the
interruption of their conversation.

He's definitely hiding something! Severus scowled at his stubborn son, then his eyes landed
on Remus standing in the doorway of the kitchen.

And Severus couldn't help but stare.

His heartbeat increased, Severus suddenly felt his hands shake. No one had ever made him
this nervous before. Severus' eyes briefly glanced Remus up and down, admiring the way his
jeans seemed to hug his slim figure. The green sweater looked soft, and it brought out the
green color in Remus' hazel eyes.

"Morning, lads," Remus greeted them shyly, meeting Severus' gaze. And Severus knew he
was caught checking him out. The corner of Remus' lips turned upward into a small smile, his
cheeks blushing.

Fall on me

With open arms

Fall on me

From where you are

Fall on me

With all your light

With all your light

With all your light

And the song was in Severus' head again as he held Remus' gaze. Then the memory of
Remus sitting so close to Severus in the courtyard flashed through his mind, momentarily
making Severus forget what he was doing.

We're boyfriends! Severus thought again, still in disbelief.

And the way Remus was looking back at him, Severus knew he was remembering the events
of last night as well.

Harry suddenly cleared his throat pulling Severus back down to earth.

"Eggs are burning, Sev."

"Shit! Fuck!" Severus exclaimed, spinning around and scraping the burnt egg off the pan with
the spatula, causing Harry to laugh.

As Severus began to make a new batch of scrambled eggs, he listened to the conversation
between Harry and Remus. They were planning which muggle films to watch over the break,
and the days to go snow sledding, and if they could invite the Weasley children over for a
day.

Suddenly Severus felt Remus' presence near him, causing him to lose all feeling in his legs. It
took all of Severus' skill to keep his mask on and remain nonchalant. Severus side-eyed
Remus to see him reaching up for a mug in the cabinet. And he wished he could just pull
Remus close and kiss him good morning, but Severus was too shy with their relationship
being so new, and with Harry sitting at the table.
"Do you need help with that?" Remus asked as he poured himself some coffee. Then added a
large amount of cream and sugar into it.

"You can take all that to the table," Severus gestured to the stack of plates and cutlery sitting
on the counter.

Remus adjusted his collar, briefly flashing a red bruise on his skin, just where his neck met
his shoulder. He casually winked at Severus before covering it back up and going back to the
table with the dishes in his hands. That little display of mischief caused Severus' cheeks to
blush so red. Severus was thankful his back was turned towards Harry so he couldn't see the
effect Remus had on him.

"So, the cabin?" Harry asked excitedly as they all sat around the table eating. "Are we going
to stay the whole holiday?"

Severus looked at Remus. "Would you have us there that long?"

"Of course, that cabin has been empty for far too long. Consider it your home away from
here," Remus said.

An hour or two later they traveled by the Floo network to the cabin this time. They were
hindered because Harry had a hard time getting a hold of his owl in the Owlery. Hedwig was
now hooting softly in her cage as Remus unlocked the cabin door.

"It's like we never left," Harry grinned as they all stepped inside.

Right away they began to dust and clean up the cabin a bit to make it as comfortable and
homey as possible. Remus had found boxes of Christmas decorations in his father's tool shed,
so they spent the morning decorating the cabin as well. Then after a quick lunch, Remus led
them through the forest paths in search of a Christmas tree.

Severus couldn't get over how happy Harry seemed as they trudged through the snow,
wearing Remus' old muggle snow jacket. Severus also didn't miss the looks Harry kept
shooting at him and Remus, leading Severus to wonder if Harry knew something about last
night.

Remus had also brought back Severus' winter robes. Severus couldn't help but remember the
night he had placed them on Remus, who was shivering in the icy cold air on top of the
Astronomy tower. That night seemed so long ago. He bet if he closed off his senses and
concentrated, Severus could smell Remus' scent on them.

As the day grew older, the shyness between Severus and Remus had faded away. Since they
were around Harry, they found themselves slipping into their easy friendship once more, as if
the previous night never happened. Yet for Severus, it was hard throughout the day to not just
hold Remus' hand whenever he was close, just for a reminder that they were more than just
friends.

Severus knocked gently on Harry's bedroom door. It was late now. Remus was cleaning up
the living room, clearing away the boxes from the Christmas tree decorations and the empty
hot cocoa mugs.

"Come in," Harry called out.

Severus entered the bedroom, finding Harry laying in bed and reading Quidditch Through
The Ages.

"Don't you ever read anything else?" Severus asked, pulling the old wooden desk chair to
Harry's bedside and sitting down, silently hoping it wouldn't crack under his weight.

"It's better than the girly novels Remus has in here."

Harry glanced at the stack of old books on the night table as he pulled himself to a sitting
position with his back resting against the headboard.

Severus picked one of them up, noticing the white rabbit on its green cover as he wiped away
the dust. "Alice's Adventures In Wonderland," Severus read aloud, then flipped through the
pages. The scent of old books invaded his senses. "Maybe you have a point."

"The full-moon is in a couple of days, right before Christmas. Do you think Remus will be
okay going back to Hogwarts to change in the shack by himself? Why can't he change
downstairs?"

"How do you know what's in the basement?" Severus asked, surprised at Harry's
intuitiveness.

"Why else would it be locked? Remus never talks about it…of course that's where he used to
change."

"It's really dark down there. And Remus wants to be as far away as possible from you in his
werewolf form," Severus said, remembering the night Remus took him down to the dark
basement. The metal cage gleaming in his memory.

"But Remus has the Wolfsbane Potion, it's safer now. I've been around his werewolf form
about twice already."

Severus remembered those two nights clearly. The first time, Remus changed without the
protection of the Wolfsbane Potion. It was in Harry's third year. Severus recalled how he had
woken up alone in the Shrieking Shack. He then made his way out of the tunnel, back on
Hogwarts grounds, just in time to protect Harry and his friends from an advancing Remus
Lupin werewolf. Luckily for them, the wolf had run off before it could do any damage. The
second time wasn't too long ago. It was right at the end of the summer when Greyback had
kidnapped Harry. And again luck was on their side that no one was hurt. Remus had the
protection of the Wolfsbane and was able to keep most of his mind to focus on fighting
Greyback, while Severus got Harry out of the rotten cellar. Severus remembered his raw fear
at the possibility of losing Harry to Greyback, of Harry suffering just like Remus. And he
understood why Remus chose to change as far away from Harry as possible, even if the cage
in the Lupin's cellar was an easier choice.

"And those two times were too close for my liking. You're lucky you weren't bit. It's better
this way, safer. It'll put Remus' mind at ease so he doesn't end up hurting himself. Don't worry
yourself over Remus. He's been doing this for a long time."

"I'll try not to," Harry sighed as he closed his book and placed it on the night table, then
pulled his knees up to his chest. "I just can't stop thinking that he'll be alone. And after what
he's told me, Remus is dealing with depression just like me. He's hurting like me. I wish there
was something we could do to help him."

Noticing the glum expression on Harry's face, Severus impulsively decided to tell him about
his Animagus project. Maybe it would put Harry at ease to know that soon Remus wouldn't
have to spend full-moons alone, hurting himself in the Shrieking Shack. "I have a secret to
tell you, but you have to promise to not tell Remus or anyone else. Can I trust you, son?"

"A secret?" Harry said, his eyes now on Severus. "Yeah, I won't say anything. I promise."

"I'm in the process of becoming an unregistered Animagus."

"You are!" Harry exclaimed with shock and excitement.

"Lower your voice! You know Remus has very good hearing."

"Oh, right, sorry. You're doing it for him are you?"

"Just like you, I worry about him being alone as well. Remus is getting older. Even though he
would never admit it, the changes are taking its toll on him. It would help if I was there with
him, making sure he didn't chew himself up. That last injury he had was bad."

Harry slowly nodded, staring at Severus with an earnest expression. "Severus, do you love
him?"

Deciding to be truthful, Severus nodded. "I do, kid… I'm falling in so deep, it scares me."

Harry smiled.

"You've known for a while that Remus and I were becoming something?" Severus asked,
impressed by Harry's intuitiveness once more. "You're very observant."

Harry shrugged, "You two are just like Ron and Hermione. It doesn't take a genius to realize
something was going on between you two. I was just waiting for both of you to stop being
idiots and see that you're both crushing on each other. Now if only Ron and Hermione can
realize their feelings for each other… Then I can have some peace and quiet."

"Okay, Mr. Genius, how about we talk about you and Miss Weasley?"
"There's nothing to tell. She's with Dean Thomas…"

Severus shook his head in exasperation, then asked, "Do you remember our camping trip and
that time I showed you how to meditate?"

Harry nodded.

"You've asked me if I was happy… I told you I wasn't quite there yet…"

"And I made you promise to tell me when you've found it," Harry said, watching Severus
with round eyes. "Your happiness…"

"I found it, Harry. I found it in you and in Remus. You two are my family."

"Dad…" Harry said, looking immensely touched.

Severus only shrugged. "Okay, enough of that. Let's get you settled for the night."

Harry scooted down into the blankets, making himself comfortable.

"Mental health check," Severus said.

"I'm happy right now… I'm excited for the next few days to spend Christmas with my dads,
and going to the Burrow."

"What are you looking forward to the most?"

"Christmas breakfast."

"That's interesting, why is that?" Severus asked, suddenly remembering that heartbreaking
memory of Harry crying in his cupboard while the Dursleys enjoyed their holiday breakfast
together.

Severus had been wanting to bring the memory up to Harry. The things Severus saw in that
memory were horrific. A young Harry locked up alone, not able to go to the bathroom, forced
to wet himself, and crying without an ounce of love or sympathy from the Dursleys. Is this
memory the reason why Harry's answer was Christmas breakfast?

"The Christmases I had growing up weren't fun. It was just me being locked up the whole
day. They would literally forget about me until it was time to start cooking," Harry said with
his voice suddenly cracking.

Severus could feel the emotions coming off from the teen. The same ones Severus felt when
he was inside Harry's head. The rejection, the hunger, deep sadness, and the burning
question: what is wrong with me?

"When you showed me your broken wall, I saw a glimpse of what you're talking about. It was
a memory, you were about four and you were on your cot crying. The smell of breakfast was
wafting inside your cupboard. I heard the Dursleys opening up presents. You were alone…
Harry, nothing is wrong with you."
"I know…I know…" Harry's face was beet red. He was no longer looking at Severus as he
began to rub anxiously at his arm.

"I would pee myself every year when they did that. Dudley was always excited for Christmas
morning, he always got presents. For me, I just got humiliated and abused. That was how I
spent Christmas until I started going to Hogwarts. It's fine wetting yourself when you're a
little kid… It just gets embarrassing when you're nine or ten… Dudley would always laugh at
me while Aunt Petunia made me clean up my mess."

Severus reached over and covered Harry's hand with his own, holding on tight to prevent his
son from rubbing at his skin. Harry flinched and tore his arm away.

"I'm sorry… This is just so embarrassing… No one knows about this…" Harry muttered,
wrapping his arms around himself.

Severus successfully hid his frustration for fear of an argument breaking out. They were
conversing well until now. Severus looked around the bedroom, trying to spot something he
could use to distract Harry from hurting himself.

Severus stood up and went to Remus' old desk, rummaging through the drawers until he
found a purple muggle marking…marker? Severus had forgotten what it was called but he
knew it contained ink inside, that it was for children to draw with, meaning it could easily be
washed off. He opened the cap and touched the tip to his wrist. It left a purple dot.

Perfect… Severus thought, then he sat back down on the old wooden chair.

"Hey, kid," Severus said gently, trying to catch Harry's gaze. "Look at me now. Do you see
what I'm holding? Can you tell me what this is?"

Harry looked up slowly, meeting Severus' gaze. Then his eyes landed on the purple muggle
instrument in Severus' hand.

"It's a marker…"

"Fascinating things muggles come up with, huh?" Severus said as he examined it. "What does
it do? Remus has a bunch of these on his desk."

"You use it to write with or draw. It's like a quill, but you don't need the ink pot. It's for kids
really…"

"How does it work?"

Harry took the marking and pulled off the cap. He grabbed Severus' hand and drew a small
lightning bolt shape onto his palm.

"I thought you grew up with muggles, shouldn't you know what this is?" Harry asked,
concentrating on his drawing.

"It's been a long time since I've been in that world. I'm afraid I've forgotten a few things, such
as a mark and its uses."
"It's a marker," Harry corrected, examining his finished lightning bolt.

"Can you do me a favor, Harry?" Severus asked.

Harry looked up, letting go of Severus' hand.

"Whenever you need to cut or you start scratching or even rubbing at your arms, try to use
the marker to draw on yourself instead."

Harry shot Severus a confused look, but did as he was told.

Severus watched Harry in silence for a few moments as he drew a purple lightning bolt onto
his wrist, before continuing their conversation.

"Try not to dwell on those memories. It wasn't your fault, none of that. They were wrong to
lock you up like that. Every time you get lost in them, remember that you're safe now with
me and Remus. We'll never humiliate you like that or forget about you. You're loved by us so
very much, Harry. And I'll always keep reminding you that."

At first Harry didn't reply. He focused on tracing and retracing the lightning bolt on his wrist.
Then Harry finally closed the cap and reached over to place it on the night table.

"Dad…"

"Yes, son?"

"What you and Remus are doing for me now, I really appreciate it. I know you guys would
never treat me like how the Durselys did. It's not even about the holiday traditions that I'm
excited about. It's just being part of a family, not being locked up and forgotten. That's what I
mean by saying I'm looking forward to Christmas breakfast."

Severus reached over and smoothed down his son's wayward hair, surprised that this time
Harry didn't shake his hand away. Severus then gently took off Harry's glasses, placing them
on top of Quidditch Through the Ages.

"You also said you were happy today," Severus said. "What was it that made you feel that
way?"

Pulling the covers closer to himself, Harry smiled softly as he said, "Cus I had fun with you
and Remus today. I've never been Christmas tree hunting before, let alone decorate one. And
Remus' hot cocoa was so good…"

"He still won't share the recipe with me..."

"Do you think I'm a bit closer to finding my happiness soon?" Harry asked.

"I think you're very close, Harry. Remember, you have to tell me when you find it. Do you
promise? Just like when you made me promise you."

"I promise."
Severus' mask was securely on, hiding the heartache he felt at Harry's words. Just hearing
Harry opening up, telling Severus how happy he felt today with him and Remus, it was
breaking Severus. Harry had worked so hard to get to this point. His mental health was in
such a better state than it was last summer. And Severus was going to take all of this away
once he completed Albus' task. Harry was going to break in the aftermath of Severus'
betrayal, but Severus knew his son was strong. Harry would get through it... He'll have to...

And Albus' words rang in Severus' head, "In the end, he'll know why you had to. In the end,
he'll see that you did all you could to help him through this war."

Chasing the echoes of Albus' words away from his mind, Severus decided not to dwell on
their cloudy future and just enjoy this moment with his son, because very soon everything
was going to be ripped away from them. Severus just wished there was some way to prepare
Harry for it instead of blindsiding him.

Albus and his fucking secrets!

"It's time to get some sleep, kid, close your mind," Severus said softly. "Take a deep breath
and let it out…"

"Sev, do you think Draco will still think about our invitation and want to show up? Does he
know we aren't at Hogwarts anymore? What if he changes his mind and can't find us?"

"Don't worry about that, I'll be checking up on him. Now close your eyes and take a deep
breath. Acknowledge that thought, and let it go..."

Harry closed his eyes, taking a deep breath.

For several moments Severus continued to guide Harry to breathe, to untense his muscles
with each exhale to help close off his mind.

Then Harry suddenly opened his eyes again.

"You know, you and Remus don't have to hide your relationship from me. If you want to hold
hands in front of me or whatever, it's okay. It'll be like having normal parents around that love
each other."

"Thank you for telling me that. Now acknowledge that thought and let it go," Severus said
softly. "Take a deep breath now. Let it go. Picture that waterfall again. Close your mind off by
noting the ripples of the flowing water, the colors that you see, and how it may feel... And if
you feel another thought coming up, acknowledge it, let it go, then start over… Keep
picturing that waterfall as you breathe in and out. Remember to relax your muscles…"

Half an hour later, Severus closed Harry's bedroom door softly behind him.
Harry was starting to get better at shutting his mind down, although tonight it was hard. He
kept getting distracted, voicing whatever thought that would pop up into his mind. For the
most part, Harry was talkative and happy tonight. It wasn't very often that side of him
showed, and Severus always appreciated those moments. That was why he was so patient
tonight, starting over and over until Harry's mind was finally settled.

Now that Harry was finally asleep, Severus realized he and Remus were alone together for
the first time since last night. And Severus' stomach clenched nervously at the thought,
wondering what Remus had been doing while he was with Harry.

The cabin was quiet and all of the muggle lights were dimmed. The flames in the fireplace
were dancing merrily in its grate. The Christmas tree with all of its colorful lights and gold
yellow star was standing in front of the large living room window. They had spent the
evening decorating that thing. Severus thought the muggle decorations were a bit tacky, but
they did remind him of his mom and the Christmases they used to have. Severus' gaze
traveled down, and suddenly he found Remus laying underneath the Christmas tree.

It was an odd sight to see Remus' legs poking out. His upper body and head was hidden
underneath the branches. Severus suddenly remembered how Lily used to lay under the tree
the exact same way, when Severus spent the Christmas holidays at her home. How could
Severus have forgotten she used to do that? Did Lily and Remus used to lay under the
Christmas tree together? Was it a thing they've once shared? Would she have done that with
Harry if she'd lived?

With those questions burning in his mind, Severus crawled down on his hands and knees,
joining his boyfriend under the tree, laying beside him. Severus' heart fluttered at being so
near Remus for the first time since the morning.

"Are you comfortable under here?" Severus asked, laying his head next to Remus' on a green
velvet pillow.

"Comfortable enough. Lily and I used to do this all the time. Just laying under the branches,
admiring all the colorful lights up above, talking about things… She always thought white
Christmas lights were boring and no fun at all. Colored lights were always more magical to
her."

And Severus could see why Lily had once thought that. The colorful lights reflecting in
Remus' eyes were indeed magical.

Severus then moved his gaze upward to the colorful twinkling lights wrapped around the pine
branches. "Do you miss her sometimes? Like I do?" he asked.

"Do you mean like when it's just a normal day, and you haven't thought of her in a while. You
think you're finally healed. Then something trivial reminds you of her, or Harry does or says
something that's just Lily. And it's like you've been struck by the heavy news of her death all
over again, as if she died just yesterday. Her loss just gets you right in the heart."

"That's exactly what I mean," Severus sighed.

"You know, Severus, I see Lily in you too sometimes. She's certainly left her mark on you."

Surprised at Remus' words, Severus lifted himself up onto his elbows, looking down at the
werewolf. "You do?" he asked.

"Yeah, you guys have been best friends since you were children, weren't you? I see her in the
small things that you do. Like the way you're addicted to coffee, Lily was the same way. Oh,
if James started an argument with Lily before she had her caffeine fix…" Remus laughed.
"And I see her in the way you're with Harry, the way you handle his panic attacks. Lily used
to handle her own the same way as well. Even the way you pronounce certain words, or do
certain things. It's clear you've grown up together."

"I've never realized that…" Severus said with shock, his heart aching for the loss of his best
friend. "Her loss is always going to hurt, isn't it?"

Remus nodded. "Having Harry around somehow softens it a bit, don't you agree? I know he's
not Lily… Harry's his own person…"

"Remus, I know what you mean. It took me a while to get over the pain I felt every time I
looked at Harry. Then I got to know him, and somehow my grief for Lily lessened. It's never
going to go away completely. She indeed left her mark on me, but I think I'm okay now. I can
handle it. And yes, having Harry here with us…it makes it more bearable. He's a piece of her.
In a way, Lily's still with us."

Remus sighed and closed his eyes. Severus didn't move. He gazed down at Remus laying
beside him, admiring the way his face seemed relaxed and at peace. The perfect arches of his
eyebrows were half covered with his peppered golden and gray hair. Severus' gaze then
landed on each pink scar that ran across pale skin. Then his eyes stopped on Remus' lips.
They looked so inviting and soft. And surrounded by the twinkling colored lights and the
strong scent of pine, Severus was just about to lean down to kiss them when Remus
continued to speak.

"Christmas was always Lily's favorite holiday. If she were alive she would've made it so
special for Harry. I'm glad you're doing the same thing for him."

"Did you see how happy Harry was when we were decorating the tree?" Severus asked, still
admiring Remus' features.

"Yeah, his face lit up when I plugged in the lights. Harry's never done this before, has he?"

"No, he was always shut up in the cupboard when the Dursleys celebrated Christmas. We
were just talking about it in his room right now."

Remus opened his eyes, letting out a sigh of anger mixed with sadness. He turned towards
Severus with a serious expression. "What did Harry tell you?"

Feeling the strain from leaning on his elbows for too long, Severus laid back down on the
velvet pillow. His dark hair intermingled with Remus' golden locks as he began to describe
the memory he'd seen of Harry being locked up and forgotten, to the point where he was
starved and forced to wet himself. Severus described how triggered Harry had gotten while
talking about those memories, and how Severus was able to distract him. He showed Remus
the purple lightning bolt on his palm as he explained why it was so important for Harry to
have the best Christmas this year, especially since it was unknown how the state of the
wizarding world would be by next Christmas.

"And how did you come across this memory?" Remus asked, once his initial horror and
shock began to fade. He wiped away the few angry tears that had fallen down his cheeks.

"We were practicing Occlumency. Instead of blocking me, Harry allowed me into his mind,
and I saw more of his childhood memories besides the Christmas one. He wanted me to see
his mental wall. Do you remember the brick wall I've told you about? It is now nothing more
than a pile of rubble on the floor. Which means…"

"Harry's starting to trust us," Remus finished Severus' sentence. "Is that why he's been more
open and talkative lately? How's he doing with all those memories out of his wall?"

"He's doing okay. They weren't exactly repressed, just protected. And there's still a possibility
of him getting more nightmares. We just need to be ready to talk to him whenever he decides
to open up. And when Harry tries to hurt himself, distraction works really well with him."

Remus picked up Severus' hand, admiring the lightning bolt on his palm. "This is quite
good…" Remus complimented. "It'll be easier to handle Harry when he gets triggered, now
that you found a better way to calm him. Do you think I can get a lightning bolt tattoo if I
ask?"

Chuckling at the werewolf's silliness, Severus closed his hand around Remus' own. He
suddenly couldn't stand the shy distance between them any longer. Severus' heartbeat
quickened as he pulled Remus closer to him, a bit afraid that Remus may push him away. But
Remus did not, and Severus knew he was being stupid for thinking that. It felt so nice to hold
him like this, with his arm wrapped around Remus' waist and the weight of his head resting
on Severus' shoulder. Looking down at Remus, he still couldn't believe that they were
together. That this man in his arms fancied him, and Severus wondered for the second time
that day, why? Severus didn't think of himself as handsome. He wasn't sure if he was good
boyfriend material. And all of his insecurities suddenly overwhelmed him. Severus always
wore the same black robes and his attitude was always sour. His nose was too big and his hair
always looked greasy. Severus had never been in a real relationship before, let alone with
another man. He was inexperienced. Wouldn't Remus want more than what Severus had to
offer?

"What are you brooding about now?" Remus asked, angling his face upwards to look at
Severus.

"Why do you like me? I'm not good-looking… I'm always in a mood… I have baggage…
Everyone thinks I'm a slimy evil git… Remus, why would you choose me?"

Remus rolled over onto his stomach so that his chin was now resting gently on Severus'
chest, and with an arm wrapped around him.
"I don't care about looks, I've got scars all over my face. Besides, I think you're quite
handsome. And as for your baggage, I don't care for that. I've got baggage too. I'm not afraid
of your attitude. I'm a beast every full-moon and I'm depressed on the days before and after…
And everyone who thinks you're a slimy git can go shove themselves. I fancy you for you,
Severus. Like we've said to each other so many times over and over, we are two people full
of flaws, yet still deserving of happiness. You make me happy. I think that is all that matters,
don't you agree?"

"I just feel like maybe you deserve better than someone like me," Severus whispered, placing
his hand on the small of Remus' back, admiring the softness of his green muggle sweater.

"You are the only one that can make me this happy," Remus said softly, his hazel eyes full of
warmth and affection, and Severus just couldn't believe it was directed towards him. Who
would've known that he, Severus Snape, the greasy bat who lives in the Hogwarts dungeons,
would ever be fancied by someone like Remus Lupin.

And lost in those beautiful hazel-green eyes with the colored lights still reflecting in them,
Severus wrapped both of his arms around Remus and pulled him on top of him, loving the
weight of Remus on his chest. The heat radiating from Remus' body warmed Severus up
inside and out. And suddenly they were kissing slowly at first, then fervently exploring each
other's mouths. One of Remus' hands was tangled in Severus' hair, pulling at his dark strands.
Remus' other hand was on his chest. And Severus didn't care if he could no longer breathe.
He took his breath from Remus' mouth, their tongues dancing together. Severus felt himself
floating, as if he were falling even deeper in love with Remus. Severus didn't think this
feeling was even possible, least of all for him. Now Severus understood why people
described their happiness as walking on air, it certainly felt like that.

With that last thought in mind, Severus lost himself as he continued to make out with Remus.
He gently began to move his hands up and down, feeling the shape of Remus' body resting on
top of him. Severus began squeezing Remus' waist, wondering if he should dare go lower.
But before he could spark up his courage to do it, Remus pulled away.

Breathless and with red swollen lips that made the nether regions of Severus' pants feel a
little tight, Remus looked down at him with dark eyes, and said, "Maybe we should cool
down a bit, just in case Harry walks in here."

"You're right," Severus replied breathlessly as well. He wrapped his arms tightly around his
werewolf, not quite ready for this moment to end.

Remus smiled. "You have to let go," he whispered, leaning down and kissing Severus again
softly.

"Never," Severus muttered in their kiss. Yet he loosened his grip, allowing Remus to slide off
of him. Remus then nestled himself back into Severus' arms, with his head resting back on his
shoulder.

And still breathless, they stared up at the twinkling Christmas lights. Severus' head was still
spinning from their make-out session.
"You don't have to sleep in your dad's study. I can take it this time. You should have a chance
on the bed," Severus said, finally breaking the silence.

"Absolutely not. The office is uncomfortable and you're my guest. What kind of host would I
be if I let you sleep in there?"

"Oh, I'm just a guest to you here? What happened to this cabin being home for me and
Harry?"

"You know what I meant. Are we always going to be arguing about this? Why can't you just
be happy taking the bed?"

"Hmm, I'll be happy taking the bed only if you're in it. We are boyfriends, aren't we?"

Remus suddenly sat up, bumping his head on the branches. "Ow!" he exclaimed, his hair
caught in the pine branches.

"Stay still," Severus said, holding Remus close against him as he untangled his hair with one
hand out of the branches.

"Maybe arguing under here wasn't such a good idea," Remus laughed.

After they brushed their teeth and changed into their pajamas, they both stood together in the
room with the bed between them. Severus' heart was pounding with a mixture of nerves and
excitement. Suddenly being in a relationship with Remus seemed all the more real to him.
This bed between them made everything more real. Severus wasn't sure if he was ready for
anything beyond kissing. Remus was obviously more experienced than him, having been in a
previous relationship before. What if Remus had expectations Severus didn't know how to
meet? Then Severus shook the negative thought away, remembering what Remus had just
told him under the Christmas tree. None of that stuff mattered…only that Severus made
Remus happy.

And with the bed between them, Severus couldn't help but take in the old muggle t-shirt and
flannel pajama pants Remus was wearing. The fabric of the t-shirt looked thin and frayed.
Severus could see bits of skin peeking from underneath the holes. Despite his nervousness,
those small glimpses of skin made him a bit curious, and he couldn't help but remember how
nice it had felt when Remus was lying on top of him, soft and warm. And he remembered
how he almost dared to bring his hands lower. Then Severus realized his eyes were lingering
on Remus' shirt for far too long. Blushing, he met Remus' gaze.

"Nothing has to happen tonight, Severus. We'll take things slow," Remus said shyly.

Severus only nodded, too nervous to speak as they both finally climbed into the bed.

And it happened so fast. The intense nervousness that Severus was plagued with had
suddenly washed away. It was as if Severus had been waiting for this moment ever since
they'd shared their very first kiss as Remus sang to him in Black's bedroom. And Severus
quickly thought of everything that had happened between them after that kiss… He wouldn't
change a thing, the good and the bad, because every single detail was important. Every single
moment they'd shared had brought them here on this bed, ready to start something new.

There was no hesitation, no fear, no more insecurities or questions as Severus found himself
suddenly taking charge and laying Remus down into the sheets and climbing on top of him,
straddling him, leaning down and kissing him deeply.

He couldn't believe this moment was happening between them, it felt so unreal, as if this
were happening to a different version of himself and he was only watching what he could
never have.

"Is this okay, wolf?" Severus whispered, pulling away just a moment, having to see Remus to
bring himself back down to earth and accept that this really was happening between them.
Remus' eyes were gazing up at him, his breath heavy and warm against Severus' mouth as he
nodded his consent. His hands suddenly gripped Severus' waist, pulling him back into a
desperate kiss.

A desperate kiss that Severus lost himself in.

Remus' hands slowly moved from Severus' waist and up his torso, slipping underneath his
pajama shirt, warming the skin that he touched for the very first time, causing Severus to pull
away and sit up. His eyes connected to Remus' who gazed back at him with warmth and lust-
filled wonder. He took off his shirt and watched Remus' eyes travel over him, taking in
Severus' naked chest and torso, running his hands over him, caressing him, exploring him and
leaving a series of slow and loving kisses. Making sure to glance at Severus with each kiss,
those hazel-green eyes… Watching that, feeling those warm lips on his skin, Severus felt like
he was going to be sent over the edge too soon and so he closed his eyes and trapped Remus
into another slow kiss as he felt him spread his legs further apart so that Severus was able to
fit better between them like two pieces of a puzzle as they slowly began to rub against each
other.

From underneath the thin layer of Remus' pajama pants, Severus could suddenly feel Remus'
hard bulge pressed up against his own. It caused Severus to kiss Remus harder, who
responded back with equal enthusiasm and it gave him the courage to continue further, his
body shaking with pleasure and nervous energy. Severus began to slowly rub his own hard
member against Remus' own, causing him to moan into Severus' mouth, his grip now back on
his waist becoming tighter. Their rhythmic thrusting began to quicken, the friction they were
creating together, creating a passionate heat.

"Severus…" Remus suddenly moaned his name from underneath him, his eyes closed,
causing Severus to move faster until he felt a warm stickiness coming from Remus, and he
pulled away from their kissing, taking in the sight of Remus Lupin becoming undone by him.

As Remus rode out the waves of his orgasim, Severus placed his hand underneath Remus'
head, tangling his fingers into golden hair and gently tugging, forcing Remus' head back
causing his neck to arch, exposing his Adam's Apple. Severus covered it in soft and slow
kisses, nipping and tasting, causing Remus to moan out again with pleasure, causing Severus
to finally feel his own release, burying his face into Remus and voicing out his own pleasure.

Completely spent, Severus laid on top of Remus who gathered him into his arms, both out of
breath and sweating from exertion. They shared slowed kisses in silence until Severus
hesitantly raised the hem of Remus' shirt.

Remus stopped kissing him. His hazel eyes were suddenly shy and self-conscious.

"I have a lot of scars," Remus whispered.

"I won't think any less of you," Severus whispered back.

Remus squeezed Severus tight before he leaned upward and pulled his shirt off, then laid
back down into the pillows and sheets.

Severus' eyes ravaged Remus' chest and bare stomach. His skin was indeed marred by scars.
Some were smooth and dark, some raised and pink just like the brand Greyback left on
Remus' chest, just over his beating heart. And seeing the shiny pink words: Werewolf:
Classified Dark Creature, Severus could hear in his head, Remus' terrified screams. His eyes
then traveled down to the largest scar on Remus' body. The shape of a wolf's bite on the
lower right side of his torso.

Severus' hands explored the landscape of Remus' body, who only watched Severus with a
quiet nervousness as he covered each scar with gentle kisses.

"I think they are beautiful," Severus whispered.

Severus had never woken up to another man sleeping besides him before, he realized that he
very much liked it. After what happened last night, Severus was certain he was attracted to
men. It was a realization that had finally fully hit him, and Severus accepted it as he studied a
sleeping Remus Lupin who was softly snoring as the morning light began to brighten up the
bedroom.

Remus was laying on his side with an arm tucked under his head like a pillow. The blanket
was draped over his waist, covering only his pajama pants. Severus, laying in a similar
position, studied Remus' sleeping face in awe. He still couldn't quite believe that they were
together, that last night actually happened, and that Severus was granted this unknown
version of happiness. And not being able to help himself, Severus reached over and gently
pushed golden and gray hair away from Remus' closed eyes.

Severus' gaze then traveled down to Remus' bare chest, studying the multiple scars that could
be seen clearer in the morning light. Then his eyes traveled down to the largest scar on
Remus' lower part of his torso. It was a huge bite mark that was the size of Greyback's jaws.
The scar was red and raised, looking like it had freshly scabbed over and healed. It was hard
to believe that the scar was over three decades old. Severus gently placed his fingers on it,
feeling the ridges before placing light butterfly kisses on it. This was the scar that caused so
much pain and difficulty in Remus' life. As a teenager, Severus had always wondered about
it, of where it was, what it looked like, hoping for a glimpse of it to give him proof that
Remus Lupin was a werewolf. Severus was ashamed of his younger self's actions. That he
used to fear Remus, seeing him as nothing more but a dark creature.

Suddenly Remus let out a deep sigh in his sleep. Severus pulled Remus closer to him, not
being able to stand the small distance between them any longer. He kissed the red bruises he
had left on Remus' neck from their first make-out session in the courtyard. He was wondering
if he should leave more when Remus opened his eyes and yawned.

"Did I wake you?"

"Yes, but it's a nice way to wake up," Remus said sleepily.

"I apologize…" Severus muttered, sucking on Remus' neck.

"Don't be…" Remus said softly, arching his neck to give Severus better access. "I had a
dream… It wasn't a nightmare this time."

"Tell me about it…"

"I'm not even sure if it was a dream. Maybe I'm just remembering this… I was holding Harry
as a baby. You were there. You were telling me to take your hand, that I needed to be strong."

Satisfied by the new blemishes left on Remus' skin, Severus stopped kissing his neck. He
looked up, placing a hand on the side of Remus' face. Severus knew what the wolf was
talking about, it wasn't an ordinary dream he had.

"You were remembering me trying to pull you out of your wolf-state-of-mind. The only thing
that convinced you to take my hand was Harry. You pulled yourself out for him."

Staring into each other's eyes, Severus saw a hint of depression in those hazel and green
depths.

"Are you okay, wolf?"

"I just sometimes wish Lily and James were still here for Harry. He deserves so much more
than what we can ever give him as stand-in parents."

"I know… Believe me, I wish that all the time," Severus sighed. "Despite me hating Potter,
he came from a loving family. He would've been a great father. Tell no one I've said that."

Remus smiled softly and covered Severus' face with light kisses. "I'll never reveal this side of
you." Remus then pulled Severus in for a deep kiss, which caused his stomach to fill up with
butterflies.

Once they pulled away, Remus sighed, then said, "I have something to admit. It's a thought
I'm always wrestling with around the time of my changes, when my depression is at its peak."
Severus only held Remus close, waiting for him to continue.

"Sometimes when I'm in that dark place… Sometimes I wonder if what Sirius had said was
true. That it should've been me who died rather than James. It's what he wished deep down
inside, somehow Sirius saw a better future. And maybe he was onto something…"

"Remus…" Severus interrupted. He was not only shocked at what Remus revealed about
Black, Severus also didn't like how casually he was speaking of his own death.

"No, think about it, Severus. Let's say I was there with Lily and Harry that night. Let's say
James was out with Sirius, out of harm's way. If that would've happened, then Harry would've
still had James. He would never have gone to the Dursleys, he would've never been abused
by them. That is already one positive outcome."

Severus shook his head in disbelief, but didn't say anything as Remus continued.

"James would've stopped Sirius from going after Pettigrew, and he wouldn't have fallen the
way he had. James would've held Sirius together in a way I never was able to. That's the
second positive outcome. Sirius would still be alive, and he'll have James."

"No, Remus, I don't think that's true for even a heartbeat. Harry would've still suffered. No
way Potter would've been the same if he had lived and Lily had not. And Black loved you. I
think he would've reacted the same, maybe even worse. I don't think Potter could've stopped
him from going after Pettigrew. No one could've… You know what he was like… Besides, if
that scenario had happened, then we wouldn't have happened… Doesn't that mean anything
to you?"

"Yes, yes of course it does. Forgive me and my melancholy, Severus."

Severus pulled Remus into a deep kiss. "You're forgiven," he said softly. "You know, I don't
even think Black really wished that of you. He wasn't himself, he was in a very dark place.
No one could've pulled him out of it, not even you. Don't you dare blame yourself anymore
for his actions and his death. Don't you ever talk about your own death so casually like that,
Remus. It hurts to hear you say that it might've been better if you had died. Next time when
you have these dark thoughts, think of the positive outcomes to this scenario. That Harry is
safe and happy with us despite his past. That you and I found each other. Harry and I are very
happy and grateful that you're alive. Remember that, okay?"

Remus only nodded, his eyes suddenly shining with unshed tears.

"Now, should we get up before Harry finds us here? I don't think I'm ready to explain this to
him yet, although I think he already knows we're together. He told me last night it was okay if
we wanted to hold hands and act like normal loving parents around him. That we didn't have
to hide this from him."

Remus laughed as he rolled off the bed. "He gets his intuitiveness from Lily." Catching his
reflection in the large mirror of the dresser, Remus put a hand to his bruised neck.

"Merlin, Severus!" Remus laughed again with exasperation.

"I might've gotten carried away," Severus said sheepishly. He tapped his wand to Remus'
neck, muttering a concealment charm.

"If only these scars could be hidden as easily," Remus muttered, gazing at his scarred chest in
his reflection.

"They are beautiful scars. They don't need to be covered up."

"The full-moon is coming closer. I'm sticking with my plan to change at the Shrieking
Shack."

"I thought so, I'll accompany you there. Make sure you get there safely."

"You don't have to. I don't want to be a bother. Besides, you can't leave Harry alone."

"Harry can spend the night at the Burrow. He'll be happy to spend time with his friends.
Besides, I want to help you, Remus. Let me help you. I need to check up on Draco anyways."

"Severus…" Remus sighed. "Okay…fine."

"Stubborn werewolf," Severus replied.

And as the days passed, days filled with snow sledding, muggle film days and muggle board
game nights by the fireplace with delicious hot cocoa, none of them for once stopped to think
that this may be their only Christmas together. Severus had simply decided to stop brooding
on Albus' task and just live in the moment with his boyfriend and son. And despite Harry's
blessing on their new relationship, Severus and Remus still found themselves shy of public
affection towards each other. Every moment Harry wasn't around, Severus and Remus stole
kisses from each other every chance they had. At night they would hold each other tight,
exploring each other in the darkness of their room.

And when the morning on the night of the full-moon arrived, Severus didn't wake up to
hazel-green eyes but golden eyes dark with a suffocating depression.

"Are you okay, darling?" Severus whispered softly. The term of endearment naturally rolled
off his tongue for the first time, and Severus tried not to let himself feel hurt over Remus' lack
of reaction towards it. It wasn't his fault. Remus wasn't himself right now.

Severus placed a hand on his boyfriend's arm. Meaning to only pull him close, but Remus
flinched away.

"Remus, it's only me. I just want to hold you."

But it was clear Remus didn't want to be touched. He was withdrawn and quiet, his eyes not
really seeing. He was lost in his depression, falling down to the dark place he so often spoke
about. And Severus was trying his best to keep Remus from completely falling.
"I know this is because of the full-moon tonight. Remember that you can fall on me.
Remember your song," Severus said, his heart breaking to see Remus like this.

"Sooner or later it all comes apart. The walls are all shattered, I'm back at the start," Remus
whispered softly, his golden eyes finally seeing Severus. "I'm trying to hold on, Severus, I
really am. It's just hard. I had nightmares all night… I was back in that cellar." Then his eyes
clouded once more and he hid his face behind his hands. "I'm sorry I'm like this… I'm
sorry… I'm sorry… Just go…"

"Hey… Hey, it's okay. I'm not going anywhere. You're okay, you're safe. Greyback is far
away from us. I won't let him hurt you again."

Severus knew it was wrong of him to force his company onto Remus, but seeing him like
this, Severus had to do something. He pulled Remus against his chest, this time ignoring the
way Remus flinched from his touch.

Severus hated how stiff Remus felt in his arms, whispering to him over and over…

"You know Harry and I love you very much. We want to spend most of this day with you…"

"Just know that I'm here, Remus. I'm holding you and you're safe…"

"It'll be time to get up soon, darling. Remember I'm making pancakes, and you're supposed to
give Harry a morning lesson on that guitar before he gets dropped off at the Burrow.
Remember those things that we planned today? You can lay down again once all that's done."

Not responding at all to Severus' gentle coaxing, Remus rolled away from him, burying
himself into the covers.

"I want to be alone," Remus pleaded.

And so Severus let him be. He dressed silently, not wanting to bother the wolf any longer.
Severus took one last look at the Remus-shaped lump under the blankets before shutting the
bedroom door softly behind him.

The first thing Severus did was rid the entire cabin of alcohol, including the bottles hidden in
Lyall Lupin's study. Severus didn't want to return home to find a drunk Remus Lupin, then
having to drag him all the way back to Hogwarts in time for his change at the Shrieking
Shack.

As he locked up all the bottles away in the cellar, a place in the cabin Severus knew Remus
would never go to, he couldn't blame Remus for refusing to change down here, even if it
would be easier. It was fucking dark and cold. And as soon as he brought down the last of the
bottles, hiding them away with a few strong concealment charms, Severus booked it up the
stairs as fast as he could and locked the cellar door.

Now that was done, Severus had to figure out what to do with Harry. He was sure Remus
wouldn't want their kid to see him like that. Severus knew Remus struggled through the days
around the full-moon. He really hid his depression well, Severus didn't realize it was that bad
until he saw the full effect it had on Remus this morning. He was completely closed off,
unable to be reached. Every touch made him flinch away in fear, as if he were remembering
the pain touch had brought to him when he was trapped in Greyback's cellar. And Severus
remembered the last few full-moons when Remus would hide away from everyone in his
quarters; this is what he was hiding.

Finally deciding to take Harry out for a day of Christmas shopping before dropping him off at
the Burrow, Severus began to place the last of the pancakes on a plate. Harry came into the
kitchen wearing his Weasley sweater over his pajamas, his feet covered with brown woolen
socks that looked as if they were once Remus'. Severus had made Harry get rid of every piece
of clothing that was once his cousin's, including all of his uncle's socks. Those things were
bloody disgusting.

"Morning, Sev…" Harry greeted, taking out the pitcher of pumpkin juice from the muggle
icebox. He grabbed a glass from the cabinet and sat down at the table. "Is Remus still
asleep?"

"He's resting for tonight. Listen, son, let's give Remus some peace and quiet,'' Severus
suggested as he sat at the table, passing Harry his breakfast plate. "How about me and you go
Christmas shopping in the village nearby before I drop you off at the Burrow?"

"That sounds great, when do we leave?"

"Right after we eat."

Once breakfast was over, and Harry was in his room getting dressed and packing an
overnight bag, Severus decided to bring a plate to Remus and to let him know they were
leaving. He found Remus in the same spot, laying on his stomach, buried under the covers
with his eyes closed. Severus sat at the edge of the bed, placing the plate on the night table
with a cup of tea. He muttered a Stasis Spell to keep them fresh.

Suddenly Severus felt eyes on him, causing the fine hairs on the back of his neck to prickle.
Severus whipped his head back towards Remus. And to his surprise, Remus was watching
him with eyes that weren't only his. They were clouded and unseeing, and if Severus stared
into those golden eyes long enough, he could see the presence of the wolf.

Severus pulled himself together quickly. He didn't want Remus to see that he was unsettled
by the wolf's gaze.

"Harry and I are going out to explore the muggle village nearby before I drop him off at the
Burrow. That should give you a few hours of peace and quiet. Just send me a patronus if you
need me, I'll be here in a heartbeat."

Severus felt his throat choking up a little as he spoke, that wasn't his Remus behind those
eyes, he couldn't touch Remus without him flinching away. And still, Severus had to try one
more time. He gently put his hand on the small of Remus' back.

And even though it was expected, it still hurt to see Remus flinch away from Severus. He had
to remind himself to not take it personally.
"I'll be off then… I love you, wolf," Severus said. There was no reply. And Severus' heart
broke as he left the room.

"Is Remus really okay?" Harry asked.

They were trudging through the snowy sidewalk, glancing at the Christmas decor and
displays of the storefront windows. Severus was fascinated by how everything has changed
since he was a kid. Muggles really knew how to get by without magic.

"He will be… You know it's the full-moon tonight, Remus is just not himself. That's why I
thought we should get out of the cabin and leave him be for a few hours."

"Does his depression get really bad around the full-moon?"

It took a while for Severus to respond as they continued walking. He didn't know what to do.
Should he sugarcoat the truth to Harry? Or be honest? What would Remus want him to say?
Severus then glanced at his son and realized Harry was young, but he was also almost an
adult. He shouldn't have to be coddled anymore.

"Sev, how was Remus this morning?" Harry asked again.

"It was concerning… He didn't want to be touched... His eyes…" Severus took a deep breath,
trying to gather his thoughts together. "Most of Remus' depression stems from what
Greyback did to him. The full-moon is a big trigger. In a few days, he'll be himself again. We
just need to keep reminding Remus that he's safe with us now."

Harry looked up at him, his voice filled with concern as he said, "You're not going to break
up with him are you?"

Severus stopped in his tracks. "Harry?!" he scolded.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for that to come off as rude. I don't want you guys to split, I really
don't. I'm just worried for you, dad. You and Remus just started dating. It's not fair that you
have to deal with his stuff as well as mine. Isn't this too much? It's understandable if you
might…"

"No, don't finish that sentence. I understand what you're saying. I don't ever want you to
think that I'll back out of this family because it's too hard. Give me more credit than that, kid.
It's hard, yes, but it's worth it. I really don't regret anything. I've been alone for so long that
having you two mental heads around will never be too much. Don't worry about me, I'll be
fine."

"I'm sorry if I overstepped," Harry answered sheepishly.

"All is forgiven, son. I'm actually touched that you're looking out for your old man."

Harry only shrugged, then said with a smirk, "Dad, am I really a mental head?"

"Yes, you and Remus both, but you're my mental heads."

Harry laughed.

"Dad…"

"Yes, son?"

"You can drop me off at the Burrow before lunch. Don't leave Remus alone for very long. He
needs you more than me right now."

"Are you okay with that?"

"Yeah, I have a bunch of Weasleys looking out for me today. Remus only has you."

Harry suddenly stopped in front of a sweets shop. "Can we get him some chocolate? Maybe
it'll cheer him up a little. Even if Remus doesn't eat it, at least it shows that we care."

Severus agreed with his son's thoughtfulness, and they made their way inside. The warmth of
the small shop washed over them along with the aroma of chocolate and sugar.

"Hey, after this, let's get something warm to drink?" Severus suggested.

"Yeah," Harry agreed.

After walking around the shop for a few moments, Harry picked a huge box of chocolate.

"Let's get this?"

Severus laughed. "If that doesn't cheer Remus up, I don't know what will."

When Severus returned home, the cabin felt empty and cold. After resizing all the shopping
bags on top of an entryway table, Severus immediately went to the bedroom to check on
Remus, wondering briefly if he had left. But to Severus' relief he found Remus asleep, still in
the same position when Severus had left him that morning.

Careful to not make a sound, Severus knelt down by the edge of the bed, examining Remus'
sleeping face. He looked tense, as if he were having a nightmare. Severus gave him a gentle
kiss on the forehead, hoping it would ease his sleep. He then placed another blanket over
him, remembering how easily cold Remus always gets.

Severus left the bedroom door open just a crack, just in case Remus awoke and could see he
was home.

Feeling relieved that Remus was still here, Severus decided a cup of tea was exactly what he
needed to calm his anxiety. Once the tea kettle was going, Severus started up the fireplace to
warm up the cold cabin.
Moments later with his steaming cup of tea on the coffee table, Severus lost himself in one of
Remus' old books, Alice's Adventures In Wonderland. Severus wondered what made this
book appealing to Remus. Alice was one of the most daft characters Severus had ever read. If
it wasn't for the creativity the author had put into this Wonderland, he would've just called it
quits after the first few chapters.

"But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.

"Oh, you can't help that," said the Cat: "we're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad."

"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.

"You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."

Severus was just pondering over the passage he just read when Remus suddenly appeared in
the living room, wrapped in the blanket Severus had covered him with.

Severus looked up in surprise. "Remus, come sit by me." He gestured towards the empty spot
beside him on the sofa. "It's warm here by the fireplace."

Remus sat next to Severus, noticing the book in his hands. "Are you reading Alice's
Adventures In Wonderland?"

"I found it in your old bedroom."

Remus read the passage Severus was currently on and chuckled. "The Cheshire Cat was
always my favorite character.''

Severus glanced at his boyfriend, relieved he was partly himself again and no longer just an
empty shell.

Severus closed the book and placed it on the coffee table beside his empty tea cup. He then
gathered Remus into his arms.

"I've missed you," Severus said softly. He noticed the way Remus stiffened at first, then let
himself sink into Severus' arms.

"I'm sorry for this morning…" Remus said quietly.

"Don't be, it's something you cannot help."

"Why are you so patient with me? This should scare you away. Me turning into a wolf and
falling into deep depression every month. This isn't good boyfriend material."

Severus shrugged and indicated the book on the coffee table. "It doesn't scare me. Besides, I
do agree with the Cheshire Cat, we're all mad in our own way."

Then before Severus knew it, Remus had pulled him in for a deep kiss, causing his stomach
to fill with butterflies and the hurt he had felt earlier all faded away. All of this was worth it,
if he could just keep kissing Remus. Once they were done they leaned their foreheads
together and Severus was falling into those golden eyes. How could he have ever been
unsettled by them?

"I love you, Remus, nothing you do can scare me away," Severus whispered, thinking about
what Harry had asked him during their walk in the village. No way was he ever giving this
up, no matter the stress it may bring. Besides, Severus had far greater baggage on himself.
"There are things about me that may scare you away as well… And I wouldn't blame you if
you wanted to call it quits."

"I would never."

"We'll talk more about my past when you're feeling better," Severus said, remembering
Remus' request on the hill. That day seemed so long ago.

"I don't deserve you."

Severus layed down on the sofa, pulling Remus on top of his chest. "You deserve everything
my darling, don't be so hard on yourself."

"You've been calling me darling," Remus said.

"It just sort of slipped. Do you like it?"

"I love it, now I have to call you something…"

"Mm…hmm..." Severus closed his eyes, maybe a nap with Remus on top of him was just
what he needed before they took off to Hogwarts in a few hours.

Severus was just drifting off when Remus asked, "Where is Harry?"

That question made Severus open his eyes, peering at Remus with concern. They've been
talking about their plans for the full-moon for days. Severus had just said that morning he
was dropping Harry off at the Burrow. Maybe Remus was still feeling a bit foggy from his
heavy bout of depression this morning.

"Remember, Remus, I told you this morning I was taking Harry shopping. Then I was going
to drop him off at the Burrow."

"Oh yes, I have forgotten. Did Harry have fun this morning exploring the village? They have
a fantastic chocolate shop."

"He picked something out for you. Let me get it."

Remus climbed off of Severus. He stayed seated on the sofa with his golden eyes watching
with curiosity as Severus made his way towards the entry table with all of the shopping bags.

Severus returned with the large box of chocolate and handed it over to Remus, who laughed
loudly at the size.

And that was the best sound Severus had heard all morning.
They spent the rest of the afternoon napping together on the sofa. And when it was time to
leave, Severus gently coaxed Remus awake. His face was pale and his muscles were tense
and sore, readying themselves for the upcoming change. Severus had managed to get a bit of
tea and chocolate into Remus before they Apparated to Hogwarts.

The sun was setting behind them, its rays casting long shadows as they entered the tunnel
underneath the Whomping Willow. During the journey Remus barely spoke. And once they
were inside the bedroom of the Shrieking Shack, he immediately took off his clothes,
handing them to Severus along with his wand. Then Remus sat crossed-legged on the bed,
waiting for the full-moon to rise.

"I don't want to leave you," Severus said, placing Remus' things on top of the wardrobe, out
of reach from harm's way.

"I'm used to being alone. Don't worry about me."

"I'll be here as soon as the moon sets."

"Severus… It's time…" Remus gasped, his pupils dilated and he clenched his teeth together.

Severus didn't say anything more. He felt like he was leaving half of his heart behind as he
made his way out of the tunnel.

The first thing Severus did once he reached the Hogwarts castle, was make his way to the
Slytherin dungeons. He hoped Draco was still awake. Severus hated the fact that he was
spending Christmas alone here. Even though Draco was annoying Severus to no end with his
stubbornness, Severus still wanted his godson to be with them at the cabin.

The Slytherin common room was dim. The only light was coming from the fireplace. And it
was empty except for the silhouette of Severus' godson sitting on the sofa, staring into the
fire.

Severus didn't say a word as he sat down beside him.

Draco immediately bursted into tears, catching Severus off guard. He didn't expect Draco to
break his cold facade right away. Maybe because it was the holidays, and Draco was
spending it alone without his parents for the first time in his life.

Feeling pity for the boy, Severus placed a hand on Draco's shoulder. Severus didn't say
anything, not wanting to upset Draco even more or give him any reason to leave.

And once the tears began to subside, did Draco finally speak.

"What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be off with Potter eating gingerbread biscuits and
singing Christmas carols together?"
"Harry misses you, Draco. I miss you… Forget all of our differences for right now. Put the
task aside and come back with me."

Draco shook Severus' hand off his shoulder.

"No, I can't do that! The Dark Lord wants this done! I'm so close to figuring this out! So
close, but it's so hard to fix!"

"Maybe if you tell me, I could help you," Severus coaxed, trying his best to keep his patience.

"No! I've told you so many times!"

"Okay…okay, I understand. I won't offer my help anymore. I just want you to take a break.
Harry and I are spending the holidays at a safe house. We would like you to join us, of course
I can't tell you of the location."

Draco shook his head.

"No! Can't you understand that I need to get this done! I'm running out of time!"

"You hopeless child!" Severus snapped. "Just take a break! Can't you see that I care too much
for you to see you fall like this?"

"Fuck off, Snape!" Draco shouted.

The young Slytherin suddenly stood up before Severus could stop him, and he began to run
up the steps to the sixth year dormitories.

"Draco," Severus said, forcing his voice to sound calmer.

At first, Severus wasn't even sure if Draco had heard him. Then to his relief, the blonde
teenager stopped on the fifth step with his back facing Severus. From where Severus was
sitting, he could see Draco gripping the dark banister of the stairwell so tight, his knuckles
were white as if to keep himself anchored down.

"Despite this war, despite my role, your task, and the danger we are all in, remember that I'm
your godfather. I only want what's best for you."

Draco just hung his head at Severus' words, then continued up the stairs in silence.

Severus sighed in defeat. Godson, you're in so deep….

He was at a loss on how to reach Draco. It seemed like with each attempt at reaching out, he
only pushed his godson further away. One day Draco would be so far away, Severus won't
even be able to see him anymore. And he refused to sink into despair, he wasn't giving up on
Draco. Severus waited in the common room for a little longer than he planned, hoping his
godson would come back down and reconsider the invite, but he never did. So Severus left
him a note, telling Draco to owl him if he should change his mind.
The full-moon was big and bright. Severus admired it from his kitchen window as he sipped
at his glass of red wine. It was strange being here alone in his quarters without Remus or
Harry around. Severus had gotten used to being in their constant company for the past few
days, and his thoughts traveled back to Remus in his werewolf form.

What was the wolf doing right now? Was he sleeping curled up on the broken bed? Was he
howling out his loneliness and grief for his missing pack, for the trauma Greyback had put
him through? Was he gnawing on himself to deal with his never ending restlessness, pacing
the room, wanting to run free?

Severus chased those gruesome thoughts away. Since he knew he wasn't going to be able to
sleep, Severus made his way to his private lab to check in on the progress of his Animagus
Potion. Severus wished things could speed up, but he had to be patient. He couldn't screw up
the process.

And when it was just a few hours before dawn, did Severus finally fall into a restless sleep on
his sofa. A sleep full of unsettling dreams that he couldn't remember when he awoke, just as
the full-moon began to set.
 I'm Tired Of Being Broken
Chapter Summary

Warning: Cursing, Mentions of Suicide and Depression

I’m hoping you liked the last two chapters

Enjoy your Sunday read! ☺️

Chapter Seventeen - I'm Tired Of Being Broken

The dawn finally arrived with a frost that chilled Remus to the bone as he changed back into
his human form. His echoed screams mixed in with the sound of the swirling wind which
sent flurries of falling snow through the cracks of the boarded up windows. Shivering
violently on the splintered wooden floorboards, Remus weakly lifted up his hand,
summoning the tattered blanket from the broken bed. The ragged blanket covered his naked
body, providing minimal warmth against the paralyzing cold. And Remus willed himself to
open his eyes, to get up and put on his clothes, but he couldn't do it. He couldn't find the
strength. He was too cold, too sore and exhausted. Even the efforts of such a simple
summoning spell had been too much for him.

Get up… You're going to freeze on this floor… Get up… Remus scolded himself, and his only
hope was Severus. He knew Severus was going to be there any moment. He promised to be
there as soon as the moon set and the sun rose….

Severus, hurry… was Remus' last thought before he sunk into sleep or maybe he was just
passing out from the cold and exhaustion. The dreams began to take their hold. The
floorboards underneath Remus became a cement floor covered with straw. The icy scent of
the freezing air turned into a hot and stuffy, foul-smelling stench of human waste, sickness
and drying blood. The sound of the wind turned into howling wolves.

And just barely on the edge of consciousness, still trying to hold on and not fall into the
paralyzing terror of his dreams, Remus heard the sound of hurried footsteps from somewhere
far below.

"Remus!" It was Severus' voice. "You're fucking freezing!"

Severus' voice chased the nightmares away, releasing Remus from their grasp. He could feel
the icy air again. He felt the wooden floor boards underneath. The powerful winds that
threaten to knock over the Shrieking Shack continued to force its way in through the
windows. It chased away the howling wolves in Remus' head and the fear in his heart, and he
was finally able to open his eyes just a crack. His eyelids felt heavy. There must be icicles
forming on his eyelashes. His limbs felt like deadweights. He could barely move, he couldn't
feel his fingers or toes. And Remus was shivering so hard, it was causing his back and his
neck to ache.

Severus' face was suddenly in Remus' line of vision, blurred and pale, his dark hair being
swept up from the wind. Remus lifted up his hand, trying to touch him, to speak to him, but
Remus couldn't stop shivering.

Severus' lips began to move, he was speaking. Remus couldn't understand what he was
saying. He only stared at Severus, trying to make sense of his words that were carried away
by the loud winds. Severus, noticing Remus struggling to comprehend him, gently picked
him up and placed him onto the bed.

It took everything in Remus to stay sitting up. He closed his eyes, unable to keep them open
anymore. Remus was feeling too cold and exhausted to even feel embarrassed that Severus
was seeing him naked. Remus allowed him to dress him back into his clothes he wore the
night before. His faded old blue jeans and a green sweater. Then Remus suddenly felt a heavy
and warm weight draped over his shoulders, and the scent of Severus: herbs, coffee, the
shampoo and soap he always uses, invaded Remus' senses. Severus had covered him up with
his heavy winter robes. The comforting warmth of them began to tame Remus' violent
shivers, and he finally began to understand a bit of what Severus was saying to him.

"You don't have any new injuries, thank Merlin…" Severus was muttering as he did a full-
body medical exam over Remus. He then rubbed Remus' hands together, drawing his warm
breath over his frozen fingers before placing them in the pockets of the winter robes. "I'm
going to lift you up now," Severus said. "Is that okay? You can barely move, and I want to get
you home as soon as possible."

Remus could barely mutter his consent. Severus wasted no time in gathering him up in his
arms, holding Remus gently against his chest as Severus lifted him up.

The air outside was colder. The wind was harsher. The snow was falling down so quickly and
heavily. It landed on Remus' cheeks, stinging his skin. He could feel Severus shivering
against him as he held on tightly to Remus, holding him close and trying to provide as much
warmth to Remus as he possibly could as Severus journeyed to the nearest Apparition point
just outside the school gates.

They finally made it back to the cabin. Severus kicked open the door and placed Remus into
their bed, covering him with as many blankets as he could find. Remus watched through half-
closed eyelids as Severus then started a fire in the fireplace. Heat finally washed over them,
causing their skin to redden. With his body still shaking despite the dramatic change of
temperature, Remus closed his eyes again. The last thing he saw was Severus throwing on
some robes to warm himself up.

The next thing Remus knew, Severus was at his side coaxing him awake with a steaming mug
in his hands.

"Here, baby, drink this," Severus said softly, helping Remus to sit up. Severus touched the
rim of the mug against Remus' lips.
It was Chamomile tea mixed in with some potions. Remus wasn't sure what they were, but he
could scent their fumes mixed among the tea leaves. Remus didn't question it, he trusted
Severus. The tea began to warm Remus up from the inside and out, all the way to the tips of
his fingers and toes. And once he was done with it, his body had finally slowed down to just
a light shiver. Remus sighed comfortably as he laid back down, stretching out his sore
muscles with relief.

"Sev…rus…" Remus mumbled, trying to thank his boyfriend for taking care of him, for
saving his life… And he wanted to say those words: I love you… Just three simple words that
would mean the world to Severus, but Remus' mind was slowly going back to the heavy pull
of sleep. He felt the dip of the bed, and the movement of his pile of blankets. And suddenly
Remus felt Severus' arms around him, pulling him close to his body, warm and sturdy and
safe.

Remus was running away from the shadows once more.

Why do I keep having these dreams? Why am I always running? When will this end?

He tried to wake himself up, but he couldn't escape. He was trapped. Running for his life.
Away from the darkness. Away from Kaylie and her whispers. Her cold presence was beside
him.

"It's your fault… Your fault I'm in the ground, buried and rotting… You're a monster, Remus
Lupin… A monster…"

And Remus didn't dare look at Kaylie. He didn't dare meet her red eyes. The only thing that
kept Remus going was the light of the sun up ahead.

"Remus…"

The voice, familiar and comforting, chased her away.

"Remus, wake up…"

The light was there, just out of reach.

"Remus, you promised me…" Kaylie's last whisper.

Remus kept running, focusing on the new voice that was softly calling his name.

"Remus, darling…"

Suddenly a long howl ripped through the air. Remus looked up. Ahead of the path were hills.
And on the nearest slope was the silhouette of the black wolf that kept appearing in previous
dreams.
Severus, is that you?

"Remus…" Warm and gentle hands touched him, startling Remus awake.

Severus came into focus with his hand on Remus' forehead. Fear and guilt from Remus'
dream lingered, causing him to cringe away from Severus. He suddenly couldn't stand human
touch. He didn't deserve that sort of gentleness, he had let that girl die… And with that
thought, Remus felt the darkness weighing heavily on him. He didn't want to be awake right
now. He didn't want to talk to anyone. He just wanted to be left alone.

Remus didn't miss the sudden frown on Severus, the hurt that briefly flashed in his eyes as he
kept his hands away.

"Sorry, you're just feeling a bit feverish… I brought you some food just in case you're hungry,
wolf."

Remus noticed the steaming bowl of chicken broth and a pitcher of water on the night table.

"How long have I been asleep?" Remus' voice croaked. A powerful headache was throbbing
behind his eyes and he felt congested. His body had finally stopped shivering, leaving Remus
to feel warm and achy all over.

"You slept through the whole afternoon. I'm going to pick up Harry. Would you be okay by
yourself for just a few moments?"

Remus snuggled deeper into his pile of blankets.

"Remus?"

Just wanting to be left alone, Remus ignored Severus, closing his eyes and listening to the
quiet sounds of him finally leaving the room. And deep inside, underneath his terrible
depression, Remus wanted to call Severus back, but it was too much of a heavy task at the
moment. He suddenly missed the warmth of Severus beside him, and Remus felt so wretched
for pushing him away, for being responsible for that hurt look in those beautiful obsidian
depths. At least Remus could still smell Severus' scent on the winter robes that were still over
his clothes; they started to lull Remus back to sleep. When he was just on the edge of
consciousness, Remus could've sworn he heard footsteps again and the ghost of a kiss on his
forehead.

In his dreams, Remus was the wolf, still running on that same path. Still running away from
the darkness, but this time, to his horror, it was catching up to him. The black wolf was now
nowhere in sight, and the sunlight up ahead was becoming farther and farther away.

Remus howled out in desperation. He was tired of these dreams and what they meant. Tired of
running towards a light he could never reach. Tired of a mysterious black wolf that was
nowhere in sight.
Where are you? Don't leave me in the dark!

A mournful howl rang around him, sounding so close, yet so far.

Are you meant to be Severus? Who are you?

And the darkness enveloped Remus, blocking him from the sun's rays. Fear was taking over,
making his heart pound so quickly in his chest. He couldn't breathe. He stopped in his tracks.
He couldn't run anymore… And the light was gone….

Suddenly Remus woke up in the cellar. The first thing that came to him was the intense pain.
The stench of death and blood was heavy in the air. Bile rose up in his throat so quickly,
causing Remus to choke. He forced himself to roll over onto his stomach to clear his airway.
Remus then looked up and found Kaylie's body just in front of him, just an arm-length away.

"Kaylie," Remus choked out.

Remus was just able to reach her. She was so cold… He turned her over. Her eyes were
closed. Kaylie's body was covered in drying blood and fatal wounds. Horrified, Remus
covered his mouth with his hand, ready to vomit again. He felt something sticky on his skin.
Remus pulled his hand away, only to see it covered in Kaylie's blood.

"Kaylie! What have I done? I'm a monster! You're right! You're right! I'm so sorry for what
I've done to you! I'm so sorry!"

"Remus?"

Remus felt someone touching him, pulling him back to the waking world. And he felt fear,
fear of what the touch may bring him. Gleaming silver flashed through his mind, pain that
Remus deserved for killing this young girl.

"No…no…no…please, no… Please, don't touch me!"

Tears flowed down Remus' cheeks as he shook her lifeless body. Maybe she was sleeping,
maybe she was ill. Her eyes were going to open. She'll come back to life.

Kaylie just can't be dead. She can't be! She's just a kid!

"Kaylie, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you! Kaylie, please wake up!"

"Come on, baby," a voice whispered. "Wake up for me. I've got you here with me. You're not
in that cellar anymore… Wake up…"

That voice pulled Remus out of his devastating nightmare. Covered in sweat, his breath
coming out in short gasps, he opened his eyes to the dark bedroom. He could see the night
sky through the open curtains of the window, the stars twinkling above. They seemed so far
away. Remus wished he had woken up on a star, far away from the nightmares and his pain.
Far away where nothing could touch him. Just a spirit in the night sky.
"Remus…" A hand traced his jawline. Then cupped his cheek and gently pried his face away
from the direction of the window, and Remus found himself lost in obsidian eyes.

"Severus?" Remus whispered, finally realizing that he was in his boyfriend's arms, safe and
warm and far away from rotting stone cellars and dead children. And all the blood drained
from his face as Remus realized what he was thinking, wishing that he was in the night sky
among the stars, far away from Severus, from Harry… Remus felt his body begin to shake,
and his throat started to painfully close-up as warm tears began to fall from his eyes again.
That wasn't true. He didn't want to be far away from them. Remus really didn't want to die,
but for just that moment as he awoke, feeling lost, gazing at the stars, that thought seemed
nice… And that is what terrified Remus… He didn't want to fall back into that dark place
again.

"Wolf, talk to me…" Severus whispered, wiping the tears away with his thumb. "What was
your dream about?"

"I saw her," Remus could barely gasp. His breaths were starting to come out rapidly, just like
Harry's during his panic attacks."Kaylie…" He felt his heart break as he said her name out
loud. "She felt so cold and her eyes were closed… There was so much blood! It was in my
mouth!"

"It was only a nightmare. Remember those things aren't real?" Severus whispered in Remus'
ear. "Kaylie is with her father now in peace, nothing can hurt her anymore. She's at peace,
Remus."

"She was so cold," Remus sobbed.

"You're safe with me. It was only a dream," Severus only whispered, covering Remus' face in
soft kisses and holding him close. "You're safe and she's at peace..."

"I don't want to go back to the dark place!"

"I won't let you."

And Remus fell asleep sobbing against Severus' chest.

Severus felt his heart break as he held a crying Remus in his arms. His sobs sounding so
broken, Severus wished there was something he could do to help. The only thing he could
think of was to just continue holding Remus, kissing his temple every now and then as
Severus whispered words of comfort, showing Remus he was there for him. After a while
Remus' rapid gasps turned into light and gentle snoring, and Severus felt him begin to relax
in his arms. He'd finally fallen back to sleep. Lost in his thoughts, consumed with worry,
Severus didn't relinquish his hold on him.

As soon as the dawn arrived and the full-moon had finally set, Severus had set off from the
castle as fast as he could, his heart beating fast to get to Remus. The corridors in the castle
were ice-cold, and he couldn't help but worry how cold it must be in the Shrieking Shack.
When Severus opened the castle doors, to his dismay, a snowstorm slapped Severus hard,
stinging his cheeks, his nose and his hands, every inch of exposed skin. He drew his winter
robes on closer, glad he had the sense to throw them on before he left his quarters. The snow
was falling so quickly and heavily, blinding Severus as he melted a clear path to his
destination with his wand. And Severus couldn't forget how he had found Remus laying on
the floor, with nothing but a tattered blanket to keep him warm. He was almost frozen, too
exhausted and shivering so violently, he could barely open his eyes or even talk.

When Severus brought an almost unconscious Remus into the cabin, the first thing he did
was lay him on their bed and piled a mountain of blankets onto him, trying to stop the violent
tremors. And with the warmth of the fire cackling in its grate, Remus finally began to warm
up, his cheeks turning rosy as he immediately fell asleep. Severus laid beside him until the
late afternoon, catching up on sleep and providing Remus the warmth from his body.

When Severus had woken up, he found Remus feeling feverish and looking a bit sweaty.
Hoping Remus was just overheated and not catching the flu, Severus took away all of the
blankets except for one, but leaving his winter robes wrapped around Remus.

Later as Severus was placing a bowl of broth on the night table, Remus started muttering in
his sleep. Severus placed a hand on his forehead. It felt warm still, so he woke him, hoping
Remus would eat. Severus also wanted to let him know he was leaving in a bit to pick up
Harry. And it hurt Severus inside as he remembered the way Remus had cringed away from
his touch, trying his best to remind himself that this was just because Remus was triggered
from the full-moon, from the nightmare he'd just woken up from. When Remus turned away
from Severus, refusing to talk to him, the only thing that kept Severus going, kept him from
breaking, was that soon Remus was going to wake up and be back to his usual self with that
beautiful mischievous smile, and those golden eyes would be forest-green once more.

When Severus returned with Harry, he found Remus still asleep, feeling more feverish than
before. The broth he'd left on the bedside table had remained untouched. Severus hated to
wake Remus up once again, but he needed to get something in his system along with some
Pepper-up Potion.

Remus was quiet when he awoke, squinting his blood-shot eyes as if he had a headache. He
really didn't look good and he didn't complain when Severus brought a mug full of chicken
broth mixed with Pepper-up Potion to his lips. Once Remus was done, he laid back down,
closing his eyes and falling back to sleep instantly.

After that, the evening had passed with Severus and Harry quietly playing muggle card
games in the living room as Remus stayed asleep well into the night.

Tearing himself away from his thoughts, Severus gently placed a hand on Remus' forehead.
He still felt very warm. Severus didn't want to wake him for another dose of Pepper-up
Potion, deciding it can wait till morning.

Severus closed his eyes, burying himself in Remus' hair and inhaling his scent. He was trying
to get himself to fall asleep, but the memory of Remus' cries were still echoing in his head…
I don't want to go back to the dark place!
I'll do everything in my power to keep you in the light… was Severus' last thought before
finally slipping into a dreamless sleep. And when Severus awoke the next morning, he found
tired and fever-glazed golden eyes staring back at him.

"Remus," Severus whispered, gently reaching out and feeling his forehead. "You're still very
warm… How are you feeling?" Severus combed his fingers through tangled golden and gray
locks.

"Like I got whipped by the branches of the Whomping Willow," Remus answered, his voice
sounding rough.

"You've got a terrible fever," Severus said as he pulled himself to a sitting position. "Can you
handle some toast and tea in your stomach?"

"No, I'm really tired," Remus whispered. "Can I just have some water?"

"Okay, but if I make some tea with a dose of Pepper-up Potion, would you drink it?"

Remus nodded.

Severus got out of bed, shivering slightly from the cold morning air. He pulled on his
bathrobe before starting up a fire, the flames immediately warming up the bedroom.

"Can I have another blanket?" Remus asked as he watched Severus.

Severus picked up a burgundy woolen blanket and covered Remus with it, bending down to
kiss him, but Remus turned his head away. Severus' stomach clenched with hurt, but he didn't
show it.

He's not himself right now, he's not feeling good… He's ill….

"I don't want to get you sick,'' Remus only said with his voice cracking. He cleared his throat.

"And if I did, then that kiss would've been worth it," Severus said, his voice coming out a bit
tense as he handed him the glass of water from the night table. Severus watched Remus gulp
it down before leaving to the kitchen to start the tea kettle.

Once Severus returned, he found Remus drifting off back to sleep. He sat on the edge of the
bed, placing a hand on Remus' side and gently nudging him awake again.

"Don't go back to sleep yet. I need you to drink this. It'll make you feel better."

Remus opened his eyes, slowly sitting up and taking the tea. He didn't say a word as he
slowly sipped at it. Severus could feel the tension in Remus, the depression that still had its
hold on him, making Severus remember the nightmare last night.

Once Remus finished his tea, Severus was able to get him to take off the winter robes in
exchange for a third blanket and change his jeans into more comfortable pajama pants.
"Do you want to talk about your nightmares last night?" he asked, once Remus was finally
settled back into bed, looking pale from all the movement.

"No, I just want to go back to sleep…" the wolf muttered.

Severus ran a hand through Remus' hair, moving the strands away from his eyes. He felt him
stiffen, causing Severus to sigh. "I'm not going to hurt you, Remus. There's no need to fear
my touch."

"I know… I'm sorry… I just can't help it…"

"It's okay…"

"Severus… Forgive me, but I want to be alone right now…"

"Alright, I'm going," Severus said, taking a deep breath, trying not to let this request get to
him. He's just not feeling well… He isn't himself right now… "Just call me for anything,
okay?"

"Okay..."

Doing as requested and not saying anything more, Severus stood up and left the room. He
was trying his best to be patient, to be understanding as he made his way to the kitchen.
Severus needed a glass of wine to soothe the hurt he felt from Remus rejecting his kiss, for
flinching from his touch and sending him away.

Remus just needs another day… He just needs his space right now. He still loves me, even
though he hasn't exactly told me yet, but I could feel it from him, I've felt it… He'll be better
soon and he'll want me around him… Just a day or two more…

And oh, no matter how much Severus repeated those words to himself, he couldn't help but
long for the Remus he fell in love with. The one who sat with him in that courtyard on the
bench, kissing in the snow. Severus leaned against the counter. After looking through the
cabinets he realized he'd hidden away all of the alcohol. So Severus brewed some coffee
instead, knowing that it wasn't nearly as strong enough.

"Severus, I don't think I like ice-skating," Harry said.

"Come on, just step onto the ice slowly. Grab my hands."

Dressed in his winter robes, his Slytherin scarf and wearing black ice-skates, Severus stood
on the bank of the frozen lake. Harry was just on the shore, wearing Remus' old snow jacket
and the ice skates Severus had bought for him at the muggle village. The day was nice with a
bright-blue sky and fluffy white clouds that promised another snowfall later. The air was cold
with a fresh icy scent combined with the smell of pine from the forest around them. After
breakfast, Severus had decided to take Harry out ice-skating, just to get out of the house and
enjoy each other's company. And also Remus could have some space to be alone and rest.
Severus pushed away his resurfacing hurt at the thought of Remus telling him to go, of the
way he turned his head away refusing Severus' kiss.

"Come on, Lily and I used to skate on the frozen lake at Hogwarts all the time during the first
few years. I haven't done this since, but look how quickly it came back to me. It's easy
muscle memory and balance. Sort of like flying," Severus said, forcing his mind to stay on
the ice with his son.

"I think I prefer just staying on normal ground. This is definitely not like flying."

"Come on, Harry, I won't let you fall. Remember, you got to trust me, kid."

Harry still looked hesitant.

"If you step on the ice, I'll help you until you get the hang of it. Then I can teach you a few
ice games your mom and I used to play."

"Okay, fine," Harry huffed. Severus smiled, he knew Harry wouldn't be able to resist the idea
of playing games on the ice. "Grab my hand, and don't let go for any reason, okay!"

"I won't," Severus laughed, reaching out and taking Harry's gloved hand as he stepped onto
the ice. His feet were unsteady, but Severus held on, not letting Harry fall.

"Remember, it's like keeping your balance on a broom."

Harry stumbled a bit as they skated further out onto the ice. "Don't let go!" he shouted, his
voice sounding panicked.

Severus tightened his hold. "I'm not, son."

They skated around the lake together slowly a couple of times, until Harry started to get the
hang of it. He finally allowed Severus to let go of his hand and skated forward on his own.
Severus stopped to watch him, feeling proud of Harry for learning something so quickly,
even after he was afraid at first to try. It distracted Severus from the emotional turmoil Remus
had caused inside of him. Harry then turned around and suddenly slipped, landing on his
back.

"Harry!" Severus shouted, skating fast towards his son. Once he reached Harry, Severus
skidded to a stop, accidentally showering Harry with a spray of shaved ice from his blades.
Harry was lying on the ice, his green eyes shining with laughter as he threw out an arm for
Severus to take. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, show me the games!" Harry laughed. Before Severus knew it, Harry was back on his
feet and skating small slow circles around Severus.

They spent the rest of the afternoon skating and playing the games Severus and Lily used to
play when they were children. After that first fall, Harry wasn't afraid of falling anymore. He
fell several more times, laughing each time Severus helped him up. And when the sun began
to set, and Harry started to entertain himself by trying to do tricks much to Severus' paranoia
and annoyance that he may break his neck, he decided it was time to return to the cabin.
Severus didn't want to leave Remus alone for any longer than he had to, even though he had a
feeling Remus was still in his fever and depressive induced sleep.

"Severus…" Harry asked, he was sitting at the table with a bowl of chicken soup in front of
him. Molly had sent Harry home with a giant pot of it. It was bound to feed them for days.

Severus had returned to the kitchen from checking in on Remus, his head and heart reeling
from the state he found his boyfriend in. And Severus was thankful of the fact that he had the
idea to hide all the alcohol away, hoping Remus hadn't the energy to search the cabin while
he and Harry were gone during the day.

When Severus entered the bedroom, he found Remus curled up on his side, wrapped in a
cocoon of his three blankets. His bloodshot eyes were staring into the fireplace. Severus
called him a couple of times but he didn't reply, he seemed lost. And Severus had to force
himself to not enter Remus' mind with Legilimency to figure out what was going on in his
head, to pull him out of this depressive state he was in.

Severus gently sat on the bed, placing his hand tentatively on Remus' shoulder.

"Remus?" Severus said softly once more. This time Remus broke out of his trance, his golden
eyes landing on Severus with a hint of confusion.

"How are you feeling?"

Remus' eyes traveled back to the fireplace, not saying a word. Severus sighed in defeat and
handed him the chicken broth mixed with Pepper-up Potion.

"I'll leave you alone as soon as you drink this."

The negotiation worked. Remus took the mug and drank what he could, then quietly handed
it back. Not saying anything other than a quiet thank you and was fast asleep as soon as
Severus stepped out of the room.

"Yes, son?" Severus asked as he served himself a bowl and sat across from Harry.

"Is Remus okay?"

Severus wasn't at all surprised with the question. Harry had silently watched Severus prepare
the potion and broth for Remus as he served himself his soup and sat at the table.

"Yes, he's asleep, he has a fever. It was very cold in the shack."

"He's not just sick…"

Severus shook his head.

"He must be exhausted to deal with the aftermath of his change and then to fall ill. I hope he
feels better tomorrow. I miss him."
"I do too…" Severus looked up at Harry's sad expression. He wanted to change the subject.
He didn't want Harry to worry over Remus, and Severus craved a distraction from the pain in
his heart from seeing the state Remus was in. "Hey, how about some muggle board games
after this or we can watch that muggle film you're oddly obsessed with, Back from the
Future?"

Harry smiled. "It's Back to the Future… And no, it won't be the same without Remus. It's fun
nerding over that movie with him and eating snacks. You don't understand it, you're too out
of touch with the muggle world, dad."

Severus watched as Harry dunked a piece of bread into his bowl, processing over what he'd
just said. "Is Remus the fun dad?" he scowled.

Harry shrugged as he chewed his food, not confirming anything. Severus scowled again. "I
can be fun…"

"Okay, then let's play Battleship," Harry said.

"No, I don't understand that game."

Harry laughed. "Fine, let's just play chess. None of the muggle games aren't as fun without
Remus around anyways."

"That's because he's not here to help you gang up on me," Severus scowled.

Harry laughed in return. "You're an easy target, Sev!"

"Merlin!" Severus sighed with exasperation.

"Dad…" Harry grinned. "You're right… Remus is the fun dad."

Severus scowled for the fourth time and threw a piece of bread at his bratty son. Overcome
with laughter, Harry ducked, but not in time and the bread hit him on the side of his face.

The evening passed with a few rounds of chess. Then Harry started his winter homework, his
books all spread out in front of him on the floor in front of the fireplace. Severus lounged on
the sofa, reading and helping Harry whenever he had any questions. Once Harry was done,
Severus thought it was a good time to finally bring out that cardboard box and talk about all
the old artwork it contained, even though he wished Remus was well enough to join them.

"How about some hot butterbeer?" Severus asked, getting up from the sofa and stretching out
his stiff muscles from sitting so long.

"Yeah, thanks, dad!" Harry said as he began to close up his books and roll up his scrolls.
When Severus returned, Harry was still sitting in the same spot. His school stuff was all
packed away and set to the side. Severus sat beside him, handing him a mug. The cardboard
box was tucked under Severus' arm.

He watched Harry take a tentative sip, before drinking his own.

"Harry, I have something for you," he said, handing his son the box.

Harry's eyes widened as he set down his mug on the floor beside him and took the box from
Severus. "How did you find this?!"

As Severus said his answer, he watched Harry open the box and rifle through his old artwork.
"In your cupboard. Where do you think I got the drawing that's on our icebox?"

Harry whipped his head towards Severus, his face suddenly looking a bit pale. "You went
back to Privet Drive?"

"Don't worry, kid, the Dursleys weren't around," Severus said, guessing correctly the reason
why Harry looked so nervous.

With those words, Harry's demeanor changed. "You broke in?" he grinned. "Huh… Maybe
you can be fun…"

Severus frowned. "That isn't the point. I want to talk about some of these drawings, starting
with these two." He pulled out the first two drawings he'd found from his pocket and
unfolded them.

With all mischievousness gone, Harry's face paled again at seeing them. "I don't want to talk
about those…" he muttered.

Severus creased his eyebrows at his son's words. "Why not?" he asked.

He only shook his head, his eyes staring down at the cardboard box resting on his lap.

"Harry, it's just me. Remember you were going to try your best not to close up. Forgive me
for pushing this on you, but I figured since your wall is down now, it might be time to start
discussing these."

Harry didn't say anything right away, just kept his eyes on the box. His nails were digging
into the sides.

Seeing the anxious fidgeting, Severus waved his wand. Accio, Marker. And the small muggle
writing tool landed softly in his hands. He handed it over to Harry.

He silently took the marker and popped off the cap and started writing thin lines on his wrist.
It was silent between them. Severus stayed sitting beside Harry, every now and then sipping
his hot butterbeer. The cackling flames and the ticking of the clocks were the only things
heard in the cabin.
Then finally Harry took a deep breath, and said so quietly, "Can I see those?" Severus
would've missed his words if he hadn't been waiting for them so patiently. Not saying
anything at all, Severus handed the drawings to him, letting Harry take in and process his old
childhood artwork.

"I remember these…" Harry muttered.

Severus reached over and pulled the drawing that featured a young Harry with his parents in
the sky on top of the other one. "Can we talk about this one first? Do you remember what you
were feeling when you drew this?"

Harry shrugged.

"Do you want to at least tell me why you drew this? Do you remember why, son?"

"I was locked in my cupboard for weeks," Harry finally said. "There was nothing else much
to do but draw on the old pieces of paper and broken crayons that I found in the boxes of
Dudley's old things."

"Why were you locked up for so long? What happened?" Severus asked.

Harry shook his head. "It was stupid…" he muttered.

"Son, look at me," Severus said softly. And Harry looked up, his green eyes bright with
unshed tears. "You know this is a safe place. You know I won't judge you for anything you
have to say or for what has happened, no matter how stupid you think it may be. Remember,
it's all in the past. You won't ever have to see them again. They can never hurt you like that
again, do you understand that?"

"I do… It's just hard to talk about it…"

"I know… Just take your time, okay, I'm here listening."

Harry nodded, staring at the drawing for a few more moments, until he finally began to talk.
"I was being chased by Dudley and his gang at school. I somehow ended up on the roof of the
school cafeteria. I meant to jump behind the trash cans to hide. I was as shocked as everyone
else. I didn't know how to explain how I had gotten up there, except that maybe the wind
caught me mid-jump… My aunt and uncle were livid, they knew… They knew it was my
magic, but I didn't know it at the time. They made me out to be a hooligan, a freak… I was
beaten and then locked up for the whole of my school suspension. I was there for so long,
only allowed to use the restroom in the mornings and evenings before bed. They only gave
me a slice of bread or a can of cold soup with a glass of water every few days when they
remembered I was in there. I really thought I was going to die in that cupboard and they
wouldn't even know… And I think when I drew this, I was accepting that possibility, cus it
meant that I could finally escape that place and be with them…" Harry stared down at the
drawn figures that represented Lily and James Potter.

"It was your accidental magic, not at all your fault. They had no right to get that upset with
you, to make you feel like you were a freak. They should've sat you down and explained
what was going on, not shut you away and treat you like you were mental. You know that,
don't you, Harry? You didn't deserve that sort of treatment."

Harry only shrugged as he picked up the marker and continued drawing lines on himself
again.

"No one believed me when I said I didn't know how I got up there. They said I was a freak.
Trapped in my cupboard, I kept replaying that moment over and over in my mind on how I
could possibly get up on the roof so fast, but I couldn't find an explanation… It made me feel
like I was going mental. It made me feel like they were right, I was a freak… And then once I
had to go back to school, I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone.

Dudley and his gang always kept an eye on me. Then I'll come home after school and Aunt
Petunia would make me stand in the mirror for hours until it was time for me to make dinner
or do some chores… Then I was locked up all evening alone with my thoughts… Wondering
if I deserved this, and would it be better if I just died here... Would they even care or even
notice? I remember feeling like I just wanted to disappear…"

Severus sighed at what Harry had finally admitted, it was heartbreaking, it really was. And he
was almost glad he hadn't known this story until now, glad that the Dursleys weren't home the
night he had found the box of old artwork. Severus probably would've lashed out at them
with anger that would surely land him in Azkaban. Then he realized his hands were shaking.
Severus took several deep breaths to calm himself down. He had to remain calm for Harry.

"Was this the first time you started to have suicidal thoughts?" Severus finally got himself to
ask.

Harry nodded his head once. His body was shaking from revealing so much, from feeling the
old pain that he had long ago buried behind his wall. And Severus was so proud of Harry for
being brave and talking about it, for facing that childhood pain.

"Harry, I just want to say first that I'm proud of you for telling me this. I know how painful it
is for you to do that. And this doesn't make you a freak at all. Underage magic is normal
among wizarding children. If you would've grown up in a wizarding household, that incident
would've been celebrated, a bout of underage magic confirms you're a wizard and set for
Hogwarts. You were in fact very normal, your relatives just didn't understand you."

"Exactly, I was normal, but they made me feel like I was crazy… Like I was a freak who
needed to be locked away and hidden. And it hurts that they knew this whole time what it
was… That I was in fact telling them the truth… They knew but they led me to believe I was
a freak. How could they do that to a little kid? Why couldn't they just tell me?" Harry asked,
his voice cracking with so much hurt, and a few tears slowly trickled down his cheeks. Harry
wiped them away, his eyes on the dancing ember flames.

"They are terrible people, Harry. And all of this was on their part. It was wrong of them to
handle your underage magic like that. To isolate you and encourage their own kid to bully
you… You're right, they should've just told you, and you did everything you could to make
them love you… I could tell you were such a loving and good kid because they kept hurting
you over and over, and yet you still gave them chances they didn't deserve… And, Harry…"
Severus gently grabbed Harry's chin, turning his head up so he could look at Severus as he
spoke. Tear-filled green eyes met Severus' own. "I would care if you suddenly disappeared,
and that goes for Remus as well. We'll never stop searching for you."

Harry didn't say anything. He only held Severus' gaze. Severus wiped his tears away with his
thumb before finally letting go of Harry's chin. Harry looked down and examined the next
drawing, the one with the monsters in the shadows.

"I remember this drawing…" Harry muttered. He reached up and massaged his shoulder, the
one that he said was pulled out of the socket by his uncle. "Ever since that night, I was so
afraid of Uncle Vernon coming to my cupboard."

"Is your shoulder hurting you? Madam Pomfrey checked it and said it had miraculously
healed properly, perhaps due to your underage magic at the time. The pain must be in your
head."

"I know…"

"I've been meaning to ask you about the drawing on our icebox. The motorcycle looks a lot
like Hagrid's. What inspired you to draw that?"

"I had a dream of a flying motorcycle not long before I got my first letter to Hogwarts. I told
Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia in the car. Uncle Vernon was so upset, he'd almost crashed.
Then he shouted in my face that motorcycles don't fly." Harry huffed with annoyance.
"Anything that was magical or deemed non-ordinary always freaked them out. They always
tried to shield me from stuff like that as best as they could, as if I would get ideas or
something."

"Interesting…" Severus said. Could this dream be based on memory? What would cause
Harry to dream of a flying motorcycle, especially when he was a kid that wasn't exposed to
anything of the sort?

"Can we go through the rest, I haven't seen my art in so long."

"Yes, of course," Severus said with surprise at Harry's sudden cooperation. "You know you
were rather good at drawing for a kid, you should start again."

Harry briefly looked at Severus, thinking about his suggestion, then shrugged. "Drawing is
for kids," he muttered as he continued to rummage through the box. He then pulled out a
drawing of a black dog. "I feel like this might be Padfoot." Harry smiled with nostalgia. He
handed the drawing to Severus.

Severus observed the drawing, admiring the potential of it. And again it was strange that
Harry had drawn things of his past before the Dursleys. There was no way he could
remember the way his parents looked or of the flying motorcycle that took him to Privet
Drive or of a black dog. All this had happened when he was a baby.

"What made you draw this?" Severus asked.

"I don't remember… Maybe, I had a dream?"

"Hmmm… It seems like your subconscious held onto memories when you were a baby."

"Is that weird?" Harry stopped rifling through the box to look at Severus.

And seeing the sudden fear in his eyes, Severus shook his head, deciding to not make a big
thing of it, because it was extraordinary, it really was, but Severus had a feeling Harry
wouldn't see it that way. It would just be another thing that made him stood out. Severus
thought it was a good thing, but with Harry's past, he would only see it as something
negative.

"No," Severus only said.

"Well what about this one?"

Harry handed Severus a drawing with just green.

"What is this supposed to be?"

"I dreamed of a green light. I thought perhaps it was something I was remembering about my
parents. But at the time I had thought they died in a car crash, so I wasn't sure if this light was
part of it. Do you think I was dreaming of the killing curse?"

"It's possible…" Severus said, this drawing proved his theory even more.

"Can we finish this later when Remus is around?" Harry asked.

"Of course, son, we don't have to go through it all in one night." Severus stood up. "Come on,
let's close off your mind. It's time you get some sleep, Christmas Eve is tomorrow."

"We were supposed to have my friends over for a day of snow sledding on Christmas Eve.
Do you think Remus remembered? There's no way he'll be okay for that, will he?"

"Tell you what, if he isn't well by tomorrow, you can still have your friends over. You can
play Quidditch outside and show them Back towards the Future."

"It's Back to the Future!" Harry laughed.

 I Want To Start Healing
Chapter Summary

Warning: Adult Sexual Content, Mentions of Suicide and Depression and Cursing

Chapter Eighteen - I Want To Start Healing

The light of the rising sun was just coming up from behind the hilltop, and it was so close…
Close enough that it chased away the lingering cold deep in his bones. After running for so
long, Remus was finally coming out of the dark forest. He knew this was it. He was going to
reach the rays of the sun that were so bright, it caused him to blink his eyes, and he could just
make out a silhouette of the dark wolf. Remus forced his tired paws to keep going. It took
every bit of strength in him to keep moving forward, to finally leave the darkness behind. And
Remus realized he no longer felt Kaylie's icy-cold presence. It gave Remus hope that finally
allowed him a spurt of speed and he howled with longing at the mysterious wolf to wait for
him.

I'm coming! Don't go!

There was a howl in return that almost stopped Remus in his tracks, it didn't come from up
ahead, the direction of the black wolf, it came from the right of him just beyond the
undergrowth of the forest. Turning his head slightly, Remus tried to catch anything moving in
his peripheral vision. Rustling was heard again, this time causing Remus to stop. An auburn
she-wolf suddenly stepped out from the darkness of the forest. Remus backed away, his fur
standing on end, not sure who this wolf was or if he could trust her. He stiffened his muscles,
standing his ground as she stepped closer to him. She touched her nose to his own and Remus
was peering into her amber eyes. She stared back at him with a familiar look of
determination.

Those eyes were so familiar, Remus' heart ached in his chest.

Kaylie, is that you? But you're different… Not at all the cold spirit that has been haunting
me….

The she-wolf stepped forward and pressed her pelt against Remus' own, as if she were
confirming his theory. He just felt a sense of peacefulness and forgiveness coming off her in
waves, that everything was okay, and the darkness behind Remus fell away. He looked
around, admiring the sudden change. The forest was beautiful again. And all that was left
were just a few more steps and up the slope, to the wolf that waited for him. The one Remus
had a strong feeling might be Severus.
Kaylie whined, nudging him forward, and Remus didn't need anymore coaxing. He sprinted
ahead with a renewed energy. Kaylie ran just behind him offering her silent support. Remus
didn't understand this sudden change, but he'll take this version of her over the haunting
spirit she was before.

Remus was so close, his paws just landing on the edge of the slope. The black wolf was
standing just over the top, waiting for him.

Then Remus was suddenly awake and drenched in sweat with the blankets tangled around
him. He turned his head towards the window. The sun was just rising and the songs of the
morning birds filled his ears. Remus couldn't help but feel a bit disappointed that he had
woken up so suddenly, especially when his reoccurring dream had finally begun to change.
He wanted to know what would happen when he finally climbed up that slope and reached
the sun, when Remus finally stood beside that mysterious black wolf.

And that unfamiliar she-wolf with the auburn pelt and amber eyes, was that Kaylie? But how
could it be? She was always in Remus' dreams as an angry and resentful spirit, always so cold
with hate-filled red eyes… This time she wasn't the haunting presence she had been for
months. Perhaps that was never Kaylie and Severus was right. Kaylie's ghost could've just
been a figment Remus' guilty conscience had made up for being the one to survive. Maybe
that wolf was Kaylie's true spirit, telling him it was okay. There was just something about
those eyes and the comfort and peace that washed over Remus as he remembered the auburn
wolf pressing her pelt against him. Was that really her spirit or was Remus finally accepting
her death as something he had no control over?

Am I finally letting you go or is this your blessing? Your way of telling me it's time to accept
your death? What does this mean?

With these thoughts churning over and over in his head with no clear answer, Remus sighed
in frustration. He pressed the back of his hand against his forehead to find his skin feeling
cool and clammy. His fever must've finally broken. Remus turned over to find Severus
sleeping beside him, making his heart melt at the sight of him. Severus looked so worried, as
if he'd fallen asleep watching Remus.

Remus curled up next to Severus, placing an arm around his waist and burrowing his face in
the crook of his neck. Remus breathed in his comforting and familiar scent, hoping that
Severus could somehow feel Remus holding him in his sleep, letting Severus know he was
back, he was okay. And now Severus didn't have to worry anymore. He could continue
sleeping peacefully.

Sharp claws of guilt tore at Remus' heart. He didn't mean to worry Severus. Remus hadn't
wanted Severus to see him like that but there was no way of hiding at the cabin like he would
usually do at Hogwarts. The past few days were a bit foggy. Remus couldn't remember
anything clearly, just bits and pieces and a jumbled timeline of things that made him cringe
with embarrassment and mortification. How could he have pushed Severus away like that?
Flinching from his touches, rejecting his kisses, pleading for him to go. And the one thing
Remus couldn't stop thinking about was the way Severus had looked at him with hurt
clouding in his dark eyes.
He probably thinks I don't love him!

He felt his heart break at the thought and he held Severus tight. He hated that he had hurt
Severus that way, and Remus racked his brain for a way to make it up to him, to show his
appreciation for the way Severus took care of him during the past few days. To show Severus
how much Remus really did love him, even if he hadn't been able to bring himself to say
those three words yet.

Remus continued to bury his face into Severus' neck, kissing his skin that was warm with
sleep.

He hated that he had let the darkness in him take its hold with all of its terrifying memories of
Greyback and the cellar, of Kaylie and her haunting nightmares. Of that suicidal thought he
had woken up with just after a nightmare. Wishing he was in the sky, among the stars, far
away from Harry and Severus….

Remus didn't want to let himself fall again. He had to be strong. It wasn't fair for Severus
who would always be stuck taking care of him. Remus didn't want to be a burden to him. He
didn't want their new relationship to start off that way. Severus would only end up resenting
him. Remus was sure of it. It was how he started resenting Sirius, even though Remus clung
on to his love for him as long as he could, even if it would've been better to just let him go.

Right now, Remus felt like his depression and trauma was buried deep inside once more,
laying dormant until the next full-moon. And gazing at Severus' sleeping face, Remus vowed
to try harder to fight it, to not let himself succumb to it again. It was not only for the sake of
his new relationship with Severus, but also for himself. Remus wanted to be okay again, to
love himself again. Also, for the fact that they were in the middle of a war and Remus,
Severus and Harry would soon find themselves in the thick of it. Remus had to pull himself
together. He needed to be strong again. And if not for those reasons to not let himself fall in
darkness, then let it be for the most important one of all, his new family, Severus and Harry…
Remus just couldn't be a burden to them… He wanted to live the rest of his life with them,
strong, whole and happy.

And with that last thought, Remus felt like he had to get off the bed. He had to be productive
today. He wanted to prove to himself that he could be okay again. He gently climbed out of
bed, careful to not wake up Severus. And now that he was standing, Remus knew the first
thing he wanted to do, now that he was finally out of bed for the first time in days. He wanted
to take a shower. He knew he smelled ripe, like sweat and sickness. He quietly left the
bedroom for the bathroom and stepped into the shower. Remus let the warm water wash over
his body, closing his eyes and taking deep breaths.

And once Remus was out of the shower, and dressed in his favorite light-blue jeans and an
oversized brown woolen sweater, Remus finally started to feel more like himself again. The
fogginess in his head was gone. The heaviness on his shoulders was lifted. And to his
surprise, Remus didn't even crave a glass of wine like he would usually do when coming out
of his bout of depression after each full-moon. Remus just wanted coffee and something
warm for breakfast. And because of that thought, Remus finally had an idea for Severus, but
first he had to ask for his cub's help.
Remus opened Harry's bedroom door, finding him asleep in the small twin-sized bed.
Looking around his old childhood bedroom, taking in the old wooden desk and all the old
books and toys, Remus wondered if it was time to redecorate this room for Harry. He stepped
inside, opening the curtains to let in the sunlight that was now climbing the sky. There were
white fluffy clouds and the ground was covered with freshly fallen snow that was sparkling
from the sun. It was a good day to be outside and Remus remembered his promised plan to
Harry to have his friends over for snow sledding. Remus realized he had lost track of his
days. How many days has he spent in bed since the full-moon? Did he miss Christmas?
Christmas Eve? And guilt clawed up Remus' insides once more, wondering if he had let
Harry down.

"Mmm… Dad?" a sleepy voice filled the room.

Remus turned around to see Harry tiredly blinking up at him without his glasses. Did he just
call me dad or does he think I'm Severus? And Remus felt his heart melt with the thought of
Harry calling him dad, making the guilt he felt worse. I can't be a mess anymore… I need to
be here for my cub.

"Good morning, cub, I haven't missed Christmas now, have I?" Remus decided not to
mention what Harry just called him. Maybe it was a mistake or maybe it wasn't and he'll say
it again. Remus didn't mind waiting.

Remus watched Harry rub at his eyes before putting his glasses on. And finally seeing that it
was Remus standing at his bedroom window, Harry leaped out of bed and threw himself into
Remus' arms.

"Harry?" Remus exclaimed with surprise. His arms were full of Harry who was hugging him
tightly. "Hey, it's okay, cub. What is this about?"

"I missed you, and we were worried about you. Especially Severus, even though he tried to
hide it," Harry said, his voice was muffled against Remus' chest.

Remus hugged Harry closer to him and buried his face into his hair. "I'm sorry, cub. I'm sorry
I've worried you like that. I'm gonna try to be stronger… I'm okay now, I promise…" he said
softly, his voice cracking.

"It's okay, it's not like you can help it. I mean I understand depression and P.T.S.D better than
anyone," Harry said as they finally ended the hug. "Just remember, no more disappearing,
okay? You have me and Severus now, we need you and you need us."

And that statement tore at Remus' heart, strengthening his resolve to try and get better, to not
let himself drown in his depression any longer. He really had to try.

"I know, Harry… I know…" Remus quietly nudged him, making Harry look up at him. "I
actually need your help surprising Severus."

Harry smiled excitedly, giving his approval after Remus explained his plans on waking up
Severus with breakfast in bed. But they had to be quick because Severus was known to be an
early riser.
They decided to make oatmeal together. Remus found his mom's old recipe in her recipe box.
Oatmeal with brown sugar mixed in and topped with freshly cut strawberries and cinnamon.

As Remus worked on the oatmeal, Harry chopped strawberries as he caught Remus up with
the drama of his friends.

"So Ron and Hermione still aren't talking to each other?" Remus asked.

"No, I walked both of them to the train station right after term ended, then Lavender came
and was all over Ron. Hermione literally just disappeared. Ron doesn't even want to be with
Lavender. He keeps saying he's going to break up with her, but every time he gets the chance
to, he ends up just snogging her!"

Remus shook his head. Harry's story reminded him of himself and Sirius. Dancing around
each other, afraid to reveal their feelings, and hurting each other by dating other people.

"Don't worry, Harry. This thing between your friends, it won't last forever. Something will
change and hopefully for the better."

"I hope you're right…" Harry sighed. "Remus, can I ask you something personal?"

"Go ahead, cub," Remus said.

"How did you and Sirius get together? You guys were obviously best friends first, how did
you get from that to boyfriends?"

Remus smiled, feeling his face blush a bit at the question. "We were like Ron and Hermione
to be honest."

"So there's hope for them," Harry smiled, sounding relieved. "Were you Ron or were you
Hermione in your situation?"

"Hermione definitely… Sirius was just like Ron, just clueless to what was right in front of
him and trying to snog as many girls as he could."

Harry laughed. "Go on, Remus, tell me how you two got together."

"Well, I started to like him around my fifth year. He had snuck into the hospital wing late at
night. I was there because the full-moon had just passed. I was having a nightmare and Sirius
woke me up. Now, Harry, you know how your godfather was like when he was that age.
You've seen Severus' memory of him in the pensieve."

Harry sighed with disappointment. "Yeah, he was a git…"

"Not all the time though," Remus said, watching Harry look a bit put-out at the idea of Sirius
being a bully. "Sirius had his moments. Your godfather wasn't perfect, but deep down he was
a good person. He was a Gryffindor after all."

Harry smiled, glancing briefly at Remus before he went back to concentrating on his
chopping.
"That night I saw it in him. He was so different from the way he'd acted around others. He
was so sweet as he comforted me. It was a version of Sirius not everyone got to see but
me…" Remus' cheeks blushed as he thought back to that memory of the hospital wing and
how Sirius lifted up his chin, admiring the golden eyes of the wolf Remus couldn't hide. That
color actually suits you and remembering that night, remembering those words and that
crooked smile… It didn't hurt as much anymore. It actually felt nice talking about it to Harry.
"He gave me butterflies that night for the first time, and since then I was hopelessly crushing
on him."

"Oh no, Remus, and at the time was Sirius only into girls?"

Remus grimaced, "I was pathetic according to your mother."

"My mom knew?" Harry asked with surprise, putting down the knife in his hands. Done with
chopping the strawberries, his full attention was now on Remus.

"She couldn't understand why I had fallen in love with Sirius Black, but she didn't know
Sirius like I did. She only saw the version of him everyone else saw. You know, a bullying
prick, disgustingly charming, overly confident and annoying… She was the only one who
knew I was a gay as well. My friends didn't know until months later."

"And how long did you suffer until you guys finally got together?"

"A year… A year of my heart going mental every time Sirius looked at me or smiled that
crooked smile of his, every time he called me his Moony. Everytime he brushed past me.
Sirius would wreck me, and he didn't even know it. And the times I was alone with him, I
was so full of nerves I couldn't think. Soon all of that began to make me mad, especially
when it seemed like Sirius was flirting with me then he'd go off and flirt and kiss other girls. I
couldn't be around him anymore. It hurt too much, and so I was always mad at him for
something…"

"Just like Hermione is with Ron?" Harry said.

"Yes, exactly. Before the first full-moon of our sixth year, Sirius and I had gotten into a
terrible argument. It was so bad we didn't talk to each other for weeks. He didn't even join us
for the full-moon as Padfoot. When I woke up early the next morning after the change, he
was there…and well we talked…and…"

"You kissed," Harry smiled.

"And we kissed," Remus repeated. "You can throw in those strawberries now."

As Harry mixed the strawberries in with the oatmeal, Remus brewed the coffee. It wasn't long
until the house began to fill up with the comforting aroma.

"This should probably wake up Severus soon," Remus said.

Harry smiled at the mention of Severus and his addiction to coffee as he turned off the stove,
then hoisted himself up onto the counter. He watched Remus collect a serving tray and some
dishes from the cabinets for Severus' breakfast, then said, "Tonks was at the Burrow for
dinner while I was there."

"Oh, how is she doing? I haven't spoken to Tonks since our performance. Did she seem upset
to you?"

Harry shrugged. "She seemed a bit down. Ron said that Mrs. Weasley has the idea that you
and Tonks should make an excellent couple."

Remus scoffed with disbelief at that insane idea, "Does she now?"

"She seems convinced that Tonks likes you. Don't they know that you don't exactly swing for
Tonks' team?"

Remus frowned at Harry's words, thinking back to all the times he had hung out with Tonks,
realizing a few signs that maybe… Maybe the idea of her and him together wasn't as insane
to Molly or even Tonks as it was to him… And Remus realized he was Ron and Sirius in this
situation, clueless to how Tonks felt about him.

Merlin, Severus was right…

But Tonks' wolf patronus wasn't the only sign… He realized the way Tonks always changed
her hair and eye color to match his own. During the times they'd spent working on the song,
Remus would always catch Tonks staring at him when she thought he wouldn't notice. And
he suddenly realized all of her one-sided flirting. The way Tonks always found every little
excuse to be near him, to lay a hand on him as they laughed and talked together. Remus had
just shrugged it all away, thinking it was just how their friendship was. That they were the
type of friends that hugged and called each other sweetie or darling. Remus guessed he was
wrong and there was more to it than that.

He couldn't help but think of their performance, the way Tonks glowed as she looked at him
as they sang. How happy Tonks was as they danced together all night. Then she must've seen
Remus looking at Severus the whole time during their performance because that was when
her mood started to change, and Remus just left her with not even a drink to celebrate. Remus
hadn't heard from Tonks since, even though he was the one who promised to write.

Wow, I'm an asshole! Remus berated himself.

He had to talk to Tonks as soon as possible and clear the air between them. That Remus just
wanted to be friends, nothing more. He never had that talk with Tonks before because she
knew he had a past relationship with Sirius. Remus had assumed that Tonks knew he wasn't
into women. Maybe she didn't want to assume anything? Maybe she thought I could still
swing both ways and there was a slight chance for her?

"No, they don't… Ah fuck, I need to talk to Tonks, dont I?" Remus said, feeling incredibly
embarrassed and stupid. How could he not have noticed her crushing on him? He suddenly
remembered the way Tonks had brushed the snow out of his hair when they had met each
other in the Three Broomsticks with a warm fondness in her eyes. How the fuck did I not
notice that?
Harry only shrugged with sympathy for him.

Remus poured himself a cup of coffee and took a sip, letting the warmth of it wash over him.

"Remus?" Severus' voice was full of relief, surprising Remus. Suddenly strong arms spun
him around, making him almost spill his coffee, and he found himself trapped in a tight
embrace.

"Sev! Dammit, we were going to surprise you," Harry sighed with disappointment.

"I thought you'd left," Severus said softly, lifting up Remus' chin and looking into his eyes.
"Your hazel eyes are back." And Severus kissed Remus so deeply, it made him lose all
feeling in his legs. His heart stopped beating for just a moment as Remus melted into
Severus.

As soon as they finally let each other go, Remus caught sight of Harry still sitting on the
counter, trying to look anywhere but at them. His face was red with embarrassment, causing
Remus to laugh. "I'm so sorry, cub!"

"If this is what it's like having parents around, then I guess I'm okay with all the mushy
snogging," Harry muttered.

Remus beamed at the word parents.

Severus reached over and tousled Harry's hair with an apologetic smile. "Morning, kid."

"Morning, dad," Harry answered.

"So you were going to surprise me, huh?"

"Yeah, it was Remus' idea to make you breakfast in bed."

And now it was Remus' turn to blush with embarrassment as Severus turned his gaze back
towards him.

"You were going to make me breakfast in bed?" Severus asked, managing to sound touched
and amused at the same time.

Remus only shrugged, lifting up the corners of his lips a little as he sipped his coffee.

"Still a Marauder I see," Severus said fondly. He placed the back of his hand against Remus'
forehead. "Your fever has broken. How do you feel, darling?"

Harry looked at Severus and then at Remus at the nickname, causing Remus to blush a bit
more. He drank more of his coffee and then said, "Better than I've had in days… Sit down,
Severus, let me and Harry take care of you for once."

Harry jumped off the counter and began to serve the oatmeal in three bowls.
"Okay…" Severus' eyes darted to Harry standing at the stove. "Let me get some coffee
first..."

Remus turned around quickly, setting his own mug aside. He grabbed a clean mug from the
cabinet. Pouring some coffee into it and handing it to Severus in record time. Severus' eyes
narrowed at Remus as Harry laughed.

"Sit, dad, we got this," Harry said.

"Okay, fine," Severus said with defeat, taking a seat at the wooden kitchen table.

As Remus and Harry began to set the table together, they talked about their plans for the day
to have the Weasley children over for snow sledding.

"Remus, I don't mean to spoil your fun with the kids, but you just got out of bed. Are you
going to be okay out there in the cold, managing all those kids and sliding down hills?"

Remus was rummaging in the cabinets for the cinnamon as he answered over his shoulder,
"I'll be fine, Severus. I need to go out, I've been cooped up in here for days. And it's a
Christmas Eve tradition now, right, Harry?"

"Yeah," Harry said, as he took out the pumpkin juice. "Don't worry, dad, I'll make sure he
doesn't over exert himself."

"Okay, but don't let it be like last time when Remus had that leg injury. If he so much as
coughs, Harry, that is it for snow sledding."

Harry sat down at the table across from Severus. "You got it, Healer Snape!" he said.

"Harry!" Remus chuckled at his cub's bravery as he opened another cabinet. "Where's the
bloody cinnamon?"

Severus didn't say anything in return to Harry's remark. He just rolled his eyes and sipped his
coffee.

"This oatmeal already looks delicious. We can do without it," Severus said.

"No, it's part of my mom's recipe. I'll be back, I think there's some downstairs in the pantry."

"There's a pantry here?" Harry asked.

"Yeah, it's on the far left side of the cellar. I just had it restocked before we came here so we
wouldn't have to go to the grocery shop too often… You know it's safer that we don't go out
in public much these days."

"Remus…" Severus said with concern. Remus stopped to look at him before he opened the
cellar door. He knew Severus was thinking of the cage.

"No, it's okay, Severus, I got it."

Severus only nodded in return as Remus unlocked the door and went downstairs, lighting the
way with his wand.

As soon as Remus stepped off the bottom step, he sensed the remnants of magic. It was
strange, no one ever went down there. Remus always kept the door locked. He didn't want
Harry to see the cage. Glancing at it as he passed, the bars gleaming in the light, his
memories of sitting alone there in the dark and the cold when he was a child swam to the
forefront of his mind, but Remus shook them away.

The cinnamon… I need to get the cinnamon….

Remus made it to the pantry side of the cellar, right away finding the small jar and was just
heading back upstairs when he felt the magic become stronger, just under the staircase. He
pointed his wand at it, muttering a Revealment Charm. Hidden underneath the stairs was
every bottle of alcohol that was in the cabin. And Remus realized why Severus was so
concerned about him going down there. He didn't want Remus to find it.

Shocked, Remus stepped closer to the bottles, picking one up. Staring at the bottle, Remus
realized he wasn't mad about this at all. He understood why… He completely understood
why Severus had the need to hide all of this from him. Severus had grown up with an
alcoholic father. He was probably afraid of Remus drinking with Harry in the house. And
with the thought of Harry, he realized his cub had grown up with an alcoholic uncle. Remus
didn't want to be like them, drinking and hurting their family. Or like Sirius, preferring to
drink alone until he lashed out at the people who tried to help him. Remus didn't want to
become like them. And the fact that Severus had to hide this… It was him saying that he
didn't like Remus drinking to chase away his depression.

Remus couldn't help but remember Sirius drinking away his pain, as if it could fix all the
broken parts of him, but it never did. All it did was bandage his open wounds, all it did was
take away the Sirius Remus had loved. And feeling that hurt once more, the loss and the
shame that he was going down that same path if he didn't change his ways that instant,
Remus let the bottle slip out of his hand. The sound of broken glass rang around the cellar
walls, and since the door was left open, the sound reached the kitchen.

"Remus?!" The sound of chairs moving and footsteps followed Severus' voice. "Harry, stay
up here!"

Remus stayed where he was, too hurt to move. The darkness was suddenly weighing on his
shoulders, heavy and suffocating.

"Dad…"

"Stay up here!"

More footsteps were heard and suddenly a gentle hand turned him around. "Remus, are you
okay? What happened?" It was Severus, with the light from his wand gleaming in his
obsidian eyes. They began to lift the heavy weight off of Remus, reminding him why he
wanted to fight against his depression.
"I'm sorry, I dropped the bottle," Remus choked out with shock at what he'd done. He didn't
mean to scare them.

"It's okay, we'll clean it right up," Severus said.

"Severus, I don't want to remind you of your father. I don't want to remind Harry of his uncle,
and I don't want to turn out like Sirius, drinking away his pain. I don't want to be like that. I'm
so sorry if I've ever triggered you or Harry."

And before Remus knew it, warm tears began to trail down his cheeks.

"No, no… Baby, it's okay," Severus said, wiping Remus' tears away with his thumb. "Harry
doesn't even know about your drinking. You hid it well. As for me, I knew. I saw the signs,
but you've never triggered me. It's okay, don't cry, darling."

"I'm so sorry, Severus," Remus could only say with more tears.

Severus kept wiping them away.

"It's the fact that you hid it all. It does trigger you. You could've just told me, but I
understand. I'm not upset at you for it. I'm just sorry you felt like you had to hide this from
me."

"Remus, I don't see you as anyone else but you. You're not like them, you're strong. The fact
that you want to stop, that you admit that you have a drinking problem, they never did that.
And you're right, I should've talked to you about your drinking instead of just hiding this
away. How about we both stop drinking for a while? How does that sound?"

Remus' tears finally stopped. "You'll do that for me?" he asked.

"I'll do anything for you, wolf, don't you know that?"

Remus leaned forward, brushing his lips softly against Severus'. And he was just about to say
those three words, I love you, but Severus spoke again.

"I do need to cut back on the wine, I think it's giving me a gut."

That statement caused Remus to chuckle, his face was still full of his drying tears. He ran his
hands down to Severus' torso. His pajamas felt soft against the palm of his hands and his
fingers. "No gut, here," he said, his hands stopping on Severus' hips, pulling him closer.

The corner of Severus' lips lifted up at those words.

"You know, I was drunk when I agreed to perform that song in front of everyone."

Severus snorted with amusement at his confession, "I had a feeling you might've been. There
was no way you would ever choose to sing like that in front of a crowd. You're shy…"

"Dad, Remus?" Are you guys okay?" Harry shouted from the top of the steps.
"We're coming, just cleaning up the bottle I dropped," Remus called back.

"Scourgify," Severus said, the broken glass and spilled liquor instantly disappeared. "Come
on, let's go enjoy the breakfast you made for me."

And just before Severus began to climb the stairs, Remus grabbed his hand, their fingers
intertwining. And for a second he almost forgot what he was about to say, because he found
himself lost in those beautiful dark eyes, like a starless night sky.

"Severus," Remus finally found his voice. "I'm tired of being broken. I want to start healing."

The day had passed quickly. As soon as breakfast was over, Harry floo called his friends over
for snow sledding. Severus had spent his time at Hogwarts in his lab, using the excuse of not
wanting to be around teenagers during the holidays. In truth, he wanted to check on his
Animagus Potion, which was on hiatus until an electrical storm arrived. Severus also spent
the day brewing potions for the beginning of next term and a few medicinal potions to
restock Madam Pomfrey's potion cabinet. Once he returned home, the cabin was thankfully
empty of redheads and there was leftover shepherd's pie in the stove, courtesy of Molly,
waiting for him. Since it was Christmas Eve, Remus insisted that they spend the evening
watching Christmas films. It was something he and his mom used to do. Harry was excited
because he was always left out of holiday traditions, and this time he'll be included. Severus
felt like there were better entertainments to spend their time with then melt their brains with
muggle technology but seeing how happy this made Harry, Severus just went along with it.

And once the last film ended, Severus found Harry asleep on the sofa, curled up beside him
with a blanket covering him.

"Remus," Severus whispered. "Look…"

Remus leaned over to see Harry sleeping on the other side of Severus, smiling at the sight.

"What do I do? I don't want to wake him," Severus whispered again.

"We can sit here for a while and let him sleep for a few more moments. He must be exhausted
from the fun he had today."

Severus gently took off Harry's glasses and leaned over, placing them on the coffee table,
trying his best to not jostle Harry awake. "He couldn't stop talking about snow sledding with
you and his friends when I returned. You know he really loves you, wolf."

"And I love him just as much, he's my son," Remus said. "That's why I need to do better…
This can't all fall on you. We're a team, and I've been a mess… That isn't fair to you."

Severus turned his gaze back to Remus, finding those hazel-green eyes. And Severus
suddenly sensed an air of melancholy in the air.

The sadness was heavy in Remus' voice as he leaned over to Severus and said softly, "I really
want to thank you for making sure Harry didn't see me so sick and depressed. I'm sorry I was
such a burden the past few days, for being so distant and pushing you away. I didn't mean to
hurt you or make you feel like I don't want you."

Severus sighed, his heart torn at what Remus had just said. Yes, it did hurt when Remus
pushed him away. The past few days were indeed torturous, but Severus knew Remus hadn't
meant to treat him so distantly. He couldn't help it… Severus couldn't hold that against him.
"No, don't apologize. It isn't your fault, and I see that you're trying."

Remus leaned his forehead against Severus', his golden fringe tickling his nose.

"You know, Severus, the only thing that's keeping me afloat is right here. You and Harry."

"Remus," Severus choked out, thoroughly touched by those words.

"That's what made me drop the bottle in the cellar. I don't want to become like your dad, or
Harry's uncle, or…or…you know…" Remus said. And Severus did. Remus was talking about
Black, but he must be afraid of the slight chance of Harry being awake and hearing their
conversation.

Severus leaned away from Remus to glance at his sleeping son beside him. "Harry doesn't
know about any of that?" he whispered.

Remus shook his head. Harry suddenly shifted to a more comfortable position."Maybe we
should talk more about this in private…" Remus whispered.

Severus nodded.

"What did you and Harry do while I was stuck in bed?"

"I taught him to ice-skate and I showed him the box of his old drawings. We had sort of a
therapy session about it." And Severus explained the conversation he and Harry shared about
them.

"Merlin, I've missed so much."

"Don't beat yourself up over it. Remember, you were sick as well."

Remus nodded as he intertwined his fingers between Severus' own, his gaze focusing on their
hands. "Severus, I had this strange dream last night."

"Was it the black wolf again?"

Remus nodded. "Everytime I dream, I'm in my wolf form, chasing the light up ahead of me.
And, I'm certain it's you that's there on the hill. I'm certain you're the black wolf, waiting for
me, and the dark forest is just behind me with Kaylie's spirit whispering to me, haunting me."

The black wolf, Merlin. I hope my Animagus form is that, Severus thought. He knew he
would die of embarrassment if it was something like a bat or a snake or even a fucking rat.
"This time I was so close to you. I was almost there, then a she-wolf appeared. And I think it
was her. I think it was Kaylie but it was so strange because when she appears in my dreams
she's usually angry, a haunting spirit with red eyes and she's always so cold. This time it was
different. I think it was really her actual spirit and not just a figment of my imagination. Does
this sound crazy to you, Severus? I think she actually appeared in my dream last night."

Severus thought of the best possible way to answer. And it brought up the memory of Remus
singing in his office and the way Severus felt Lily in that room. He was certain her spirit was
there beside him as Severus tapped into the emotions Remus was pouring into his song,
helping Severus to finally let her go.

Say something, I'm giving up on you

I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you

Anywhere, I would've followed you

Say something, I'm giving up on you

"No, it doesn't sound crazy at all," Severus finally said with Remus' song echoing in his head.
"What did she do in the dream that made you think that?"

"She touched noses with me…" Remus said with embarrassment. "And her presence, it was
comforting. And I just felt like she was trying to tell me she was happy and at peace, and that
it was okay to let the guilt of her death go. She didn't say it, but I felt it… I don't know if this
makes any sense or if that's even possible. Have you ever heard of spirits visiting people in
dreams?"

"No, I have not, but it doesn't mean it can't happen. We do have ghosts in our world that
refuse to move on. I think that means there's a possibility of spirits that have chosen to go,
returning to visit us in the waking world and even in our dreams. There were quite a few
times when I've felt like Lily's presence was around me and you've said so yourself you felt
like Black was watching over you when you were in that cellar. I do believe it's possible and
not at all crazy that Kaylie Porter's spirit has visited you."

"Do you really think so?" Remus asked.

"Yes, of course I do."

Remus sighed heavily with relief at Severus' answer, then said, "When I woke up, I was so
confused from my dream, but the one thing that I knew for sure was that I felt like myself
again, I haven't felt that in such a long time."

"I think Kaylie's presence in your dream freed you," Severus said, cupping Remus' cheek.
"Do you feel like that?"

Severus watched the emotions on Remus' face as he thought about his answer.

"I think so… I meant what I said down in the cellar this morning. I'm tired of being broken, I
want to start healing. Her death wasn't my fault was it? I think her presence finally showed
me that."

And Remus' answer caused Severus' stomach to feel warm with relief to finally hear Remus
accept that Kaylie Porter's death wasn't his fault. It was one step closer to recovering from the
trauma Greyback had put him through. Remus was so different from the past few days, more
like himself again. Severus could see how clear his mind was now. It was such a relief.

Severus' grip on Remus' cheek tightened, keeping his eye contact with Remus to make sure
he understood what he was about to say. "There was nothing you could've done, nothing. I'm
so happy you're finally seeing that. Greyback killed that girl, not you, he destroyed you in the
worst possible way."

"And I let him," Remus said softly, his voice cracking with so much pain. "I let him…"

"Yeah, but be kinder to yourself, darling. The torture he put you through…it would've broken
anyone."

"You're right, Severus."

"And now that you're finally seeing that, it's time to pick yourself up off the floor, it's time to
pull yourself out of your own darkness. Don't let him win anymore." Severus brushed his lips
against Remus' and continued, "You're going to get through this, Remus, with the help of me
and our snoring kid over here… You're going to be happy and strong again."

And Remus smiled, it was so beautiful and full of hope, Severus couldn't help but kiss him
again. They melted into each other, Severus' hand still cupping Remus' cheek. After several
moments, they pulled apart just as Harry let out a long snort, causing them to laugh.

"Let's get Harry to bed. I know he's way too old to believe in Santa Claus, but I have presents
for him that I want to put under the tree." Remus' hazel eyes gleamed with mischief at the
chance of surprising Harry.

"I've missed you," Severus said softly. He really did. When he had woken up that morning to
an empty bed, Severus had thought Remus had left. And to his relief, he found Remus in the
kitchen, talking and laughing with Harry. Amazed at the sight, Severus stood at the doorway,
unnoticed, watching Remus who was showered and dressed and drinking coffee. He was
back. Remus was back to his old self, no longer the shell he was, lost in his depression and
his body raging with fever. And when Severus turned Remus around, a jolt of relief went
through him. It was so strong that it almost made his legs give out when he was met with
hazel-green eyes like the forest. The ones Severus fell in love with. There was no trace of
gold or fogginess in those eyes at all.

In response to Severus' soft words, Remus ran a hand through his hair, then cupped Severus'
chin, bringing him forward. His eyes lingered on Severus' lips. "I think I owe you a kiss,"
Remus whispered. "Forgive me, Severus, for hurting you like that."

"It's all in the past," Severus whispered.

And Remus brushed his lips softly against Severus' own, kissing him slowly, kissing him so
gently.

"Severus," Remus whispered against his lips.

Severus could feel his breath as he spoke.

"You're…you're my best friend…and I'm falling in love with you," Remus' voice mixed in
with the sounds of the cackling flames, the soft snores coming from Harry and the ticking of
the clock on the mantel, the sound of the heavy wind just outside. Severus was shocked at
what he'd just heard. He'd been waiting, waiting for Remus to tell him those words.

"Remus, I love you too," Severus whispered back.

Their shared love hung in the air as Remus stood up and gently lifted Harry up. Severus
followed behind him, watching as Remus laid their teenage son in his bed and covered him
up with a blanket. Severus placed his glasses on the night table and was just about to turn off
the light when Harry, half asleep and his eyes still closed, muttered, "Goodnight, dads." The
smile on Remus' face was huge, his eyes watering a bit at the term.

They left the room, closing the door softly behind him. Remus right away began to place
presents under the tree. Severus joined him, adding his own small pile from the Christmas
shopping he and Harry had done together.

Once they were done they sat in front of the twinkling Christmas tree, admiring their work,
and talking about how excited they were to see Harry's reaction the next morning. Remus
turned to Severus and said, "I think Harry's been calling me dad. At first, I thought he meant
it towards you this morning, then right now he said dads."

"Harry really does love you, Remus. According to him, you're the fun dad."

"The fun dad?"

"Yeah, that's what he said." Severus pulled Remus close, burying his face into the crook of
his neck. Covering the warm and soft skin with gentle kisses as he felt the vibrations of
Remus' laugh.

"You're amazing, Severus. You know that, don't you?"

Severus didn't reply, he was too busy inhaling Remus' intoxicating scent, tasting his skin.
Merlin, he really did miss this.

Remus arched his neck, giving Severus better access. "How about we get ready for bed?"

And before Severus knew it, he was lying in bed shirtless with Remus straddling him with his
thighs, warm and strong. Severus loved the weight on top of him, making his member harden
until his pajama pants felt uncomfortably constricting. He ran his hands over Remus' upper
body, admiring the feel of his soft skin and the ridges of his raised scars, so beautiful and
flawed. He could feel the fine hairs on Remus' body prickle from his touch.

"Merlin, I've missed you, baby," Severus said heavily.

Hazel-green eyes met his in the darkness of their bedroom and Severus was swept up in their
depths. Suddenly he wanted nothing more than to lose himself in Remus, to know and feel
every inch of his body. His hands hesitantly traveled down to his butt and he looked at Remus
expectantly for his approval. Remus nodded and Severus squeezed the soft cheeks,
wondering how they looked. And yes he had briefly seen Remus naked before, but it was
when Remus was barely conscious just after a full-moon change, and Severus never looked at
Remus like that, always quickly covering him up to save him his dignity, but this moment
was different.

Remus bent over and planted soft kisses on Severus' neck, making a trail up to his jawline
and meeting him in a wet and desperate kiss, making Severus' entire body melt into him.
Severus squeezed his butt harder and Remus let out a soft moan, causing Severus to then hold
him firmly by his hips, thrusting his pelvis against him, feeling his erection rubbing against
Remus' own between the fabric of their pants.

"Severus…" Remus whispered against Severus' lips, his voice full of longing and Severus
couldn't believe it was for him. That he was wanted in this way. The memory of Remus
shying away from his touch, from his kiss, was now just a ghostly thing of the past. They
began to grind on each other fast and rough until they were both sweating and panting.

Remus pulled out of their desperate kissing and nuzzled his face into Severus' neck and hair.
Severus could feel his breath warm against the shell of his ear, causing him to grip Remus'
hips tighter, still keeping up with their rhythm as he heard a whispered, "I love you," from
Remus, almost sending Severus to climax. He wasn't ready for this to end so soon, so he
began to slow down. Remus began to suck at his neck, then trailed soft butterfly kisses on his
chest, trailing down to his navel, then past it, stopping at the waistband of Severus' pants.

Out of breath, Severus watched Remus sit up, still straddling him. He straightened his back
and fixed himself so his hard bulge was resting on Severus. Remus' pupils were fully dilated,
Severus could barely see the color of his irises.

"Severus," Remus said softly, his voice full of desire with a touch of hesitation and longing.
Severus' stomach flipped at the way his name sounded coming out from those swollen red
lips.

"Can I show you how much I love you?" Remus' hand slipped inside Severus' waistband. He
could feel Remus' fingers entangling with the hair underneath. The sudden intrusion caused
Severus' breath to hitch, his heart beating so fast in his chest, he was afraid it would give out.

Watching Severus' reaction, Remus licked his lips with the tip of his tongue, inching his
fingers closer until suddenly Severus felt himself being cupped. The gentle squeeze of his
balls sent a lighting bolt through his body, and Severus had to remind himself to breathe.
"Remus…" Severus moaned, realizing what his boyfriend was asking from him. His stomach
clenched with a sudden mixture of lust and desire and nervousness at the thought of trying
something so new and intimate. And losing himself into those forest green depths, Severus
knew he was ready for more than just rubbing against each other with their pants on. He
wanted to feel Remus' naked body on his, his soft and warm skin touching his own. Severus
squeezed Remus' butt at the thought, his hands then fingering the hem of Remus' pajama
pants as well.

"Can I see you first?" Severus asked.

"Go ahead," Remus whispered.

Severus pulled down Remus' pants, his gaze hungrily taking in the sight of Remus' swollen
erection in front of him. He carefully cupped Remus' balls with his hand, hearing Remus gasp
at his touch, feeling his body tremble on top of his own. Severus glanced up to see Remus
leaning slightly over, his bangs were covering his face, breathing heavily. He rested his hands
on Severus' chest as Severus then wrapped his hand around Remus' erection, squeezing
gently, working him.

"Is this okay?" Severus asked.

"Yes," Remus gasped.

"I want you to cum for me," Severus whispered.

Remus moaned, unable to say anything else as Severus tugged on him harder. Severus could
see underneath Remus' golden fringe that his eyes were shut tight, his body quivering with
pleasure. And he thought that Remus couldn't look more beautiful, vulnerable and sexy all in
that moment. It shook Severus that he was seeing Remus Lupin this way, sitting on top of
him, naked and becoming undone by Severus' working hand. The intense hatred Severus had
once felt for this werewolf in the past was just so hard to believe now. It was a feeling that
had now formed into a fiery passion that Severus never thought he would feel for anyone,
least of all for Remus Lupin.

And suddenly Remus gasped.

"Yes, baby," Severus moaned, feeling Remus release into the palm of his hand, the white
fluid felt sticky and warm. Remus melted like putty in Severus' arms, his warm breath
panting in his ear, his face buried in the crook of his neck, and his now flaccid member was
wet and rubbing against Severus' thigh as he held him, kissing Remus softly and breathing in
his enticing scent of sweat and pleasure.

After a few moments of Severus holding him, enjoying the feel of Remus naked and undone
in his arms and whispering sweet words of endearment with his own erection still rock hard,
Remus finally climbed off of Severus and desperately pulled down his pants, then his boxers,
leaving Severus completely naked. Severus watched Remus hungrily taking him in, loving
the way his eyes seemed to glow with desire and curiosity, and Severus sighed with pleasure
as he felt gentle hands cupping him. Severus closed his eyes, savoring the touch. Then
without any warning, Severus felt something warm and soft envelope him.
"Oh, fuck!" Severus gasped, arching his back. He felt teeth grazed against his skin, causing
him to thrust his throbbing erection deeper into Remus' mouth. Remus kept going, enduring
the hard thrusts until Severus couldn't hold back anymore and he finally released himself into
Remus' mouth.

"Remus!" Severus gasped, his body shaking as he lost himself in his orgasim.

And when it was over, leaving Severus breathless and sweaty, his limbs feeling as if someone
spelled away his bones, Remus curled up beside him, covering Severus' face in kisses,
whispering, "I love you," over and over. Severus wrapped his arms around him holding him
tight, their bodies pressed together and intertwined.

"I love you too," Severus whispered, feeling more closer to Remus than he'd ever felt before,
savoring this moment, and never wanting to let him go. And all the hurt that Severus had felt
during the past few days had completely washed away.
 Christmas At The Cabin
Chapter Summary

Warning: Long chapter ahead, you'll need snacks, particularly Christmas snacks and hot
peppermint chocolate

Chapter Nineteen - Christmas At The Cabin

Harry had awoken out of a dreamless sleep from the feel of soft feathers flapping over his
head. He batted them away, then turned over and hid his face underneath his comforter as
loud screeching ripped through the silence, making Harry groan out with annoyance.

Then it was quiet again. Harry was sinking back into sleep when screeching, louder than the
first round, jolted him awake once again. He turned on his back, ripping his comforter away
from his face with a huff of defeat, finally opening his eyes and was met with a blurry white
shape on his pillow. He reached out blindly to his nightstand, feeling for his glasses. And
once he had them on, the blurry white shape turned into Hedwig with her leg extended out to
him. Her feathers were ruffled and her yellow eyes were wide with annoyance for keeping
her waiting, but Hedwig still clucked her beak with affection as Harry unwound the tiny
parcel from her leg, then gave her a couple of owl treats.

"A happy Christmas to you too, Hedwig," Harry said with exasperation to his owl. She
hooted softly in return, followed by the sound of her beak crunching on her owl pellets.

As Harry watched his owl, he turned the tiny parcel over and over in his hand. A mixture of
curiosity and nervousness suddenly formed in his stomach, causing him to feel sick. This had
to be from the Dursleys. Who else would send him something like this? An unmarked tiny
Christmas present wrapped in a muggle newspaper.

Harry's first Christmas at Hogwarts, away from Privet Drive for the first time in his life, the
Dursleys had sent him a muggle coin. Aunt Petunia must've known it was useless to Harry
because the wizarding world used a different type of currency to pay for things, but still, it
didn't stop Harry from being so shocked at the small gesture. The Dursleys had never given
Harry a Christmas present before.

And in Harry's second year, they sent him a toothpick. Third year it was a thimble. Fourth
year it was a tissue paper. Fifth year it was a coat hanger.

And there was never any note wishing Harry the best of holidays. The Dursleys never
bothered to write to him, and Harry wasn't counting the couple of times they had written,
only asking him if he could find out about staying for the summer holidays. Harry wondered
why they even bothered sending him things at all. They never cared to pay any attention to
him on Christmas. Forgetting that Harry existed was a holiday tradition at the Dursley
household.

Hedwig ruffled her feathers, clicking her beak at Harry for more pellets. Harry smiled,
running his fingers through her soft feathers. Then he realized the answer. It dawned on him
like the rising sun outside his bedroom window.

It was Hedwig.

Ever since Harry had started attending Hogwarts six years ago, ever since Hedwig came into
Harry's life, the Dursleys had also started sending him random household objects every
Christmas.

"You know, Hedwig," Harry said with amusement. "You don't have to worry about me not
getting presents on Christmas from the Dursleys. I don't need them anymore."

Hedwig hooted softly in return as if she were answering back, Harry wondered if she could
understand him. She nipped at his fingers with affection then took off out of the open
window, most likely to hunt before settling in her cage for the day.

Once Hedwig was gone, her white feathers blending in with the clouds and sparkling snow
outside, Harry finally looked down at the small parcel, still hesitant to open it. What if this
time there was a letter inside? And with that thought, anxiety of the unknown brought out the
worst case scenarios in Harry's head.

Like, what if this was a letter from Uncle Vernon, demanding Harry to return for the summer
holidays?

Harry couldn't help but remember the last time he had seen his uncle. Harry and Severus
were out shopping in muggle London just before their camping trip. They had bumped into
Uncle Vernon who was so angry at seeing Harry there, thinking Harry had run away and was
now begging people for money on the streets. Uncle Vernon had tried to drag him back to
Privet Drive, gripping his arm so tight he caused a terrible panic attack for Harry.

Was Uncle Vernon still angry at Harry for supposedly running away? Did he still want Harry
back so he could continue being his punching bag?

Those questions made Harry's heartbeat speed up, until his breath started to come out in short
gasps. Harry closed his eyes, trying to chase away his fear and anxiety. He didn't want to let
himself fall into those negative emotions and memories of Uncle Vernon's fists connecting to
every part of Harry's body, until he was black and blue with the taste and smell of iron
clogging up his senses.

Harry tried to keep himself afloat, but he was failing… Drowning in his emotions, in his
memories of those punishments… No abuse… It was abuse… Drowning… Drowning…
Drowning… Turning the parcel over and over in his hand. Why bother to send him anything?
Why? They never cared.
Could this perhaps be from Aunt Petunia? A letter full of confusing heartless apologies that
victimized herself and made Harry out as the rotten kid who deserved every bit of
mistreatment he had received in her house.

He remembered every Christmas morning with his aunt. Once the presents were done and it
was almost noon, time to get started on the holiday feast, Aunt Petunia would finally let
Harry out, only to scold him for wetting himself. Harry remembered the way her nose would
always crinkle up at the sight of his wet clothes and the smell of urine, making Harry feel
disgusting and humiliated with Dudley laughing at him and calling him a bedwetting baby.
Aunt Petunia would dismiss Harry's explanation every time. That he really had to go to the
bathroom… That he couldn't wait anymore. And he was sorry, sorry for not being able to
hold it… And why did he have to be shut up in his cupboard for so long? Why couldn't they
let him out just to use the bathroom? And it was always No questions! Aunt Petunia never
wanted to listen to Harry. She would just throw the mop at him and make him clean up. Then
Harry had to help her cook the feast. If he dared to burn anything or sneak any food, Uncle
Vernon was there to make sure he didn't dare try.

Once dinner was ready and the savory smells of cooked ham, mashed potatoes, brussel
sprouts, freshly baked bread and homemade apple pie were all wafting through the house,
causing Harry's aching stomach to growl, it was time for him to go back to the cupboard.
Hidden and forgotten until the next day. And Harry would always put up a fight. He would
beg for just the leftovers at least. That he would sit outside in the cold until dinner was over
and everyone had left. That he didn't want to go back in the cupboard. He was hungry, he was
scared. He didn't want to be shut up anymore… Uncle Vernon would just grab Harry and
throw him inside his cupboard after a sound punishment.

"Stop whining! Rotten boys like you belong in the cupboard!" Aunt Petunia's words stung
more than the beating Harry would receive from his uncle.

The guests would then arrive, and Harry wasn't allowed to make a singular noise with a
promised loaf of bread if he behaved. They never followed through, but that promise still
worked every year. Frustration at himself shot through Harry for being such a naive, little kid.
His heart was aching at the memories and all the emotions tied to them.

Harry continued to turn the parcel over and over in his hand. It could be nothing… Just a
useless household trinket… Just to get Hedwig to leave them alone. Because to the Dursleys,
Harry was always nothing to them, just a waste of space. Harry's hands shook at the thought.
He pocketed the parcel in his shirt pocket. He couldn't open it yet.

All those memories used to be hidden behind Harry's brick wall, protecting him from getting
too lost in them. It kept Harry from revealing the most broken parts of himself to adults he
couldn't trust, and to the people he cared about so that they wouldn't see the freak he really
was, the freak the Dursleys had seen in Harry. The brick wall had indeed served its purpose…
But now that it was knocked down and everything was out in the open to Severus and Remus,
the memories and the emotions felt a hundred times stronger to Harry. His childhood pain, his
fear, his punishments, his anxiety, his rejection, and not feeling good enough, not being
heard, not feeling loved or a part of the Dursley's family… All of it was out and
overwhelming.
And even though Harry was shaking, feeling the pain, drowning in the memories, knowing
he was about to relapse… He was still glad that his wall had been knocked down, no longer
standing, because he trusted Severus and Remus enough to try and talk to them. And thinking
about them, Harry repeated to himself… No more cutting, no more closing up from them… I
trust them… I trust them… No more cutting… No more….

It was hard… It was so hard to be strong, to not give in to the longing inside him to just find
a sharp blade and press it against his skin. It was so hard for Harry to keep repeating those
words in his head. Sometimes he just wanted to forget those words, those reasons to not give
in. Sometimes he just wanted to rebuild his wall back up so he could hide behind it again and
cut himself until all the bad feelings went away, until Harry no longer felt like he was
drowning in all of his painful memories. Sometimes it just seemed easier that way, but Harry
knew he couldn't. It was for the best that his wall stayed down.

Harry grabbed the purple marker his dad had given to him when he revealed to him a bit
about his childhood Christmases, and Harry had started to feel triggered. Severus had given
Harry the idea to use the marker.

He popped off the cap and pressed the inky tip hard against his skin. His breath was coming
out in short heavy gasps. His body was shaking hard. Harry had to cut… He had to cut, but
he couldn't give in. He couldn't disappoint his dad like that. He had to use the marker…
Harry watched the purple ink bleed into his skin.

And when the feeling finally passed, the burning need to cut, it was like waking up from a
trance. Harry frowned down at his arm full of dark splotchy lines. At least this was better
than cutting and scratching. And when his body finally stopped shaking, and he was able to
breathe normally again, Harry finally got himself out of bed.

The living room was cold. The fire in the fireplace had died out hours ago. And the cabin was
quiet. Harry was the only one up. The Christmas tree, it was breathtaking. Harry hadn't
expected to find it with its lights still on and to see beautifully wrapped presents underneath
it. Since he started Hogwarts, Harry had grown accustomed to waking up with a pile of
wrapped packages on the foot of his bed, delivered by owlpost from his friends. Harry never
experienced Christmas like this before, and he felt his heart soften at the thought of his dads
setting this up for him before they went to bed. So this was what Harry had been missing on
Christmas morning when he was being locked up… Christmas morning….

Harry sat on the carpeted wooden floor, entranced by the twinkling tree.

The one thing Harry used to ask for every Christmas when he was a small kid who still
believed in Santa Clause, was a family he could be a part of. Parents that loved him like how
his aunt and uncle loved Dudley. A family that never made Harry feel forgotten or that there
was something wrong with him. Every year he used to ask for that, until the Dursleys
squashed that innocence right out of him. Their painful words went from Santa doesn't bring
gifts for rotten little freaks like you, to there is no Santa Clause!
And Harry didn't really care for any of those presents under the tree. He already had his
oldest wish granted. Severus and Remus, his two dads. His new family. Harry felt like he
already had everything he'd ever wanted underneath this roof, well except for one thing…
And he opened the Marauder's Map in his hands.

Draco wasn't in his dormitory. It was so early in the morning. Where could he be? Harry's
eyes searched through the maze-like inked corridors on the map until he found with a sigh of
relief, Draco's dot moving slowly around the Black Lake.

Harry watched the moving dot, wondering why Draco was out there walking alone. It must
be so cold out there with the grounds covered in deep snow and the lake must be completely
frozen over. Severus had said on the morning of the last full-moon, which was just days ago,
that there was a big snowstorm. Remus had gotten sick from being in the cold and drafty
shack all night long.

What was Draco thinking about as he walked around the frozen lake? Was his mind on his
task? Or was he out there because he was feeling alone on Christmas? Could he perhaps be
thinking about that night as Harry suddenly was?

The night Draco kissed him…

Did that kiss leave Draco wondering about boys, like it had done to Harry? Had Draco
always liked boys or did he surprise himself as much as he surprised Harry that night? And,
why did Draco kiss him? Did it mean Draco had feelings for Harry, maybe enough to kiss
him? Or was Draco just being curious?

What did that kiss mean?

Those questions raced through Harry's mind. He wondered if he could ever like Draco that
way, the way he had once crushed on Cho Chang. The way he was crushing on Ginny
Weasley.

There was one thing Harry knew for certain, that those kisses that night felt different from
kissing Cho. Kissing Draco had ignited a spark between them. A spark Harry never realized
was inside him, waiting to be lit. And Draco had done just that, by placing his lips on Harry's.

And could that spark ever be turned into a flame?

The door to Remus' and Severus' bedroom opened. The sound of its squeaking hinges pulled
Harry out of his confusing thoughts, and he turned his head to see Remus coming out, closing
the door softly behind him. Remus was dressed in his flannel pajama pants and wearing an
oversized, woolen sweater.

"Oh, it's freezing in here," Remus said. He then spotted Harry sitting in front of the tree.
"Merry Christmas, cub! What do you think? Beautiful isn't it?"

"Merry Christmas to you too, I've never woken to a Christmas like this before," Harry said
softly. His voice came out shy as he revealed that bit of information of his childhood. He
watched Remus start up the fireplace, causing the room to feel warm and cozy.
Remus looked back and gave Harry a quizzical look. Harry moved his gaze back to the
Christmas tree, avoiding his hazel eyes as Remus sat next to him.

Harry realized that he was seen through his careful words. As if Remus was sensing the
residue of his triggered emotions the tiny parcel from the Dursleys had caused. The small
weight of it in his shirt pocket suddenly felt as if it were burning a hole through the fabric.
Harry wanted to open it, he wanted to tell Remus about it, but he was still afraid. His
resurfaced anxiety caused Harry to finally break his control and he began to rub at his arms.
He kept his gaze on the tree. Harry just wanted Remus to stop looking at him like that, like
something was wrong with him.

"You know… This was your mother's favorite holiday," Remus said. "Do you want to know
what she would do on the days leading up to it?"

Harry didn't answer Remus, his heart twinging at the information about his mom that he'd
never known about.

What was mom like on her favorite holiday?

"Harry…" Remus said softly. "I had a feeling this day may be hard for you… Oh, the
Christmases you would've had with her…"

Remus suddenly got on his hands and knees, moving the presents aside before crawling
underneath the tree.

It broke Harry out of his feelings. "Um, Dad… uh, Remus… What are you doing?"

"Come join me, cub!" Remus was laying on his back, his feet sticking out.

Harry couldn't help but finally smile at the strange sight in front of him. He followed Remus,
laying down beside him under the twinkling Christmas tree.

"Remus?"

"Just look up," Remus said, his hazel-green eyes dancing with mischief.

Harry did what he was told and looked up, gasping out with surprise. Above him were pine
branches full of colorful twinkling lights. The scent of fresh pine was all around him. If
Christmas was a physical thing, it would be this.

It was magic.

And of course, it was something his mom had found. She must've been magic. Harry's heart
ached. He wished he hadn't been robbed at the chance to know her.

"Mom did this all the time?" Harry asked, his voice cracking just a bit.

"Yeah," Remus sighed, the sound of his decade old grief wasn't missed by Harry. "I'm sorry
the Dursleys killed the holiday spirit in you. Hopefully today, Severus and I can make
Christmas special like Lily would've wanted for you."
Harry continued to gaze up at the twinkling lights, and he thought of all the days he spent in
the cabin with his dads, leading up to this day. Those happy memories of Severus teaching
Harry to ice-skate, of Remus cooking oatmeal with him and the conversations they shared
that morning… It chased away all of the triggering memories of the rotten Christmases he
spent with the Dursleys.

"I think you guys already have," Harry said.

Remus smiled at those words and looked at Harry. "Do you want some hot chocolate?"

The thought of Remus' famous hot cocoa sounded nice.

Harry finally fixed his gaze on Remus. Shocked to see his hazel-green eyes swirling with
concern, Harry felt bad for being the cause of it. He realized Remus had been distracting him
the whole time from rubbing at his arms. He forced the corners of his lips upward. He wanted
to be okay. It was Christmas with his dads, not with the Dursleys. Never again would he have
to spend a Christmas like that… Harry had to try to be happy… He wanted to be
happy…"That would be great," Harry managed to say.

Not long after, the cabin was filled with the aroma of chocolate and coffee. Once Remus
came back out from the kitchen with two steaming mugs of hot chocolate, Harry had resumed
his previous spot on the floor. The map was open and on his lap again. Draco's dot was still
moving slowly around the lake. Remus sat next to Harry and handed him a mug.

"Thanks, Remus," Harry said.

Remus waved Harry's gratitude away and asked, "Are you watching Draco?"

"He's walking around the lake. He's probably feeling so alone right now. Why couldn't he just
accept our invitation?"

"He may need his space. Sometimes just knowing you're welcome somewhere can just be
enough. Besides, we still have another week of holiday. There's still time for Draco to change
his mind."

"You really think he might?"

"It's a possibility," Remus said.

Harry thought back to the morning he and Remus had talked about friends becoming
something more, and his questions to Remus on how that had happened for him and Sirius
when they were in school together. That conversation helped a lot. It had given Harry a bit of
hope that maybe Draco wasn't lost to him yet, that their friendship was still there. That the
spark between them could perhaps grow into a flame, even though Harry wasn't completely
sure if he wanted that to happen. He wanted to confide in Remus about their kiss and what it
could mean, but he didn't, even though Harry knew Remus would understand his confusion
and curiosity about boys more than anyone.

It was something about that night, about those kisses, that made Harry find himself not
wanting to share. He wanted that night to stay a secret between him and Draco. Something
only between them in the dark and empty classroom. The salt of Draco's tears, the feel of his
lips pressing against Harry's, and the way his tongue poked its way inside Harry's mouth with
careful hesitation.

And yet, here was another chance for Harry to tell Remus what happened… Should he tell
him? What would Remus think about this? Could he help Harry find the meaning of the
spark? It was tempting…so tempting… Harry almost considered it, despite his feelings on
keeping it a secret.

"Remus…" Harry began to ask.

"Yes, cub?"

Then Harry remembered how the sudden spark glowing between them seemed to be the only
light in the room. Draco's blue-gray eyes as he asked Harry if he could kiss him again, and
Harry still couldn't do it. The words got stuck in his throat. And maybe it was for the best that
Harry held on to this secret a little while longer. It was too special… Just something between
him and Draco.

Harry sipped his hot cocoa to stall for a bit of time. Remus' hazel eyes were still on Harry,
patiently waiting.

"This hot cocoa's amazing! Is there peppermint in here?" Harry asked with surprise.

"Yeah, it's the Christmas recipe," Remus said, the corners of his lips turning up with
amusement at Harry's reaction, taking a sip from his own mug.

Harry couldn't help but burst out laughing at Remus' answer. Taken aback for just a second,
Remus laughed in return. Harry didn't blame Remus for the hesitation, he was surprising
himself with his sudden bout of laughter.

Once they finally calmed down, Remus asked, "There's nothing else you want to tell me
then? You seemed a bit lost in your thoughts when I came in here."

Harry shrugged, not really wanting to open up… But the comforting presence, the laughter
Remus had brought to him, made Harry want to try.

"Come on, cub, what's going on?" Remus coaxed him.

Harry sighed with defeat. He folded up the Marauder's Map and placed it besides his mug on
the floor in front of him

"I didn't cut, okay…" Harry said as he lifted up the sleeve of his left arm, revealing the inky
mess on his skin.
Remus took Harry's arm in his hands. "Oh, cub… What happened?"

"Can we wait for Severus?" Harry asked softly as he pulled his arm away, pulling down the
sleeve.

"Yes, of course we can. He should be coming out now, just hold on, Harry."

Harry only nodded, his eyes focusing down on his lap.

"Hey, cub…" Remus said softly, placing a hand on his shoulder, perhaps to get Harry to look
at him. Remus' hazel eyes were searching for Harry's gaze. "There's nothing wrong with you,
okay?"

And how did Remus know that Harry was struggling with that? How did he know that Harry
was remembering the way the Dursleys made him feel every Christmas? That they used to
call him a rotten kid, a freak, a bad kid who didn't deserve Christmas presents or to even use
the bathroom or to eat? How did Remus know?

And without thinking, Harry wrapped his arms around Remus' waist, pressing the side of his
face against Remus' chest to feel his beating heart. The softness of Remus' wool sweater gave
off his warm and comforting scent. It began to put Harry at ease. He felt like he belonged…
And that was everything….

Remus didn't say a word, he only held Harry tight in return. And Harry couldn't help but feel
so grateful to have Remus as another adult he could trust, another father figure… Even if
Harry was feeling too shy, too vulnerable, to truly accept that and start calling Remus his dad
out loud. Harry appreciated the fact that Remus never stopped fighting for his forgiveness
during the summer, never allowing Harry to push him away. Remus fought to stay in Harry's
life. And how this morning, Remus had effortlessly taken away all of Harry's bad feelings by
just being himself.

I love you, dad… Harry wanted to say….

"What's going on here?"

Harry and Remus ended their hug as Severus sat on Harry's other side.

"Go on, show him," Remus said gently.

"Dad… I didn't cut myself, okay…" Harry said, looking up at Severus who studied him with
a concerned expression. Harry lifted up his sleeve again, revealing the inky mess on his skin.

"Harry…" Severus calmly said.

"I didn't cut myself," Harry said again, his voice shaking this time, nervous with how his dad
may react. Harry didn't want Severus to be disappointed in him. "I wanted to cut, but I
didn't… I used the marker like you said… I didn't cut myself…"

"Hey, hey, kid, it's okay… You're okay," Severus said gently, placing an arm around Harry's
shoulders, pulling him close for comfort.
Harry tensed a bit at his dad's touch, but still managed to relax his muscles. He didn't even
shake off Severus. He was really trying to stay calm… To not rebuild his wall and close
himself up. Harry didn't miss the look Severus exchanged with Remus.

"I'm sorry…" Harry muttered, pulling his knees up to his chest, hugging them tight to keep
himself afloat.

"For what? Harry, you have nothing to apologize for. You being triggered to cut isn't
something you can help. I'm just glad you were able to take my advice and use the marker
instead," Severus said. "Do you want to tell me what you were feeling this morning? Was it a
nightmare?"

Harry kept his gaze down as Severus spoke. The thought of having to answer his questions
almost made Harry break his control, to just give up and rebuild his wall… Then he realized
what he was thinking and stopped himself, reminding himself that he wanted to be happy.
And Harry repeated all the reasons why he wanted to stop cutting, to stop closing himself up,
to stop hiding behind his wall… The list Harry had created for himself the last time they had
come to the cabin after his last relapse.

"Harry, don't hide from us. Come on, we're here to listen," Severus coaxed patiently, giving
Harry a gentle squeeze of support, then letting go, giving Harry space.

Harry let out a deep sigh, then pulled out the tiny parcel from his shirt pocket.

"Hedwig brought me this."

"Is that from the Dursleys?" Remus asked.

Harry nodded. "This has been happening ever since Hadgrid had given me Hedwig. Every
Christmas she's been going to the Dursleys, making sure they send her back with a Christmas
gift for me. It's usually rubbish…like a toothpick or tissue paper. Last year it was a coat
hanger. If it wasn't for Hedwig, I know they wouldn't even bother. I was always just a waste
of space to them."

"They may feel like that towards you, but you're not a waste of space to us. This triggered all
your memories from your past Christmases with them, did it?" Severus asked.

Harry nodded. "It made me spiral… Those were the worst days of the year for me."

"Do you want to tell us about those days?" Remus asked.

Harry shook his head. He was growing quiet again. He wanted to say more but he couldn't.
The task just seemed impossible. And why was this so hard? Shouldn't it be easier now that
Harry was able to trust his dads and open up? Why did he still want to close himself up from
them, especially when his wall was nothing but a pile of broken bricks for them now?

"Why are you afraid?" Severus asked.

And Harry wondered how Severus knew about the fear that was the root of his anxiety.
"What if there's a letter inside demanding me to come back?" Harry asked in a quiet voice,
cracking with emotion. "Or what if it's Aunt Petunia trying to justify everything she's said
and done? Or what if it's nothing but just another piece of rubbish without even a note saying
Happy Christmas, because why would they even care? Why do I keep expecting them to care
about me?"

"It's understandable, Harry… They were supposed to care about you… That rejection isn't
something that can just disappear overnight. It's going to take time," Severus said.

"And you don't have to open that," Remus added, indicating the parcel in Harry's hand.

Severus nodded with approval at Remus' words. "We're here beside you, and we'll support
whatever you decide to do. Open it, or just hand it to me and I'll toss it into the fireplace."

Harry turned the parcel over and over in his hand like he had earlier that morning. The mixed
feelings of nervousness and curiosity had returned, but this time Harry wasn't feeling
triggered to cut. This time he wasn't drowning in his emotions, and that was because Remus
and Severus were there with him, offering their silent and comforting support.

Harry finally met their gazes and said, "Okay, I'm opening it."

It was a teabag….

"Better than a coat hanger," Remus said, breaking the silence. "Is there a note, cub? Or they
just wanted you to have a cup of tea?"

Harry picked up the brown paper wrappings and found some scribbled messy writing,
looking as if that person had decided to write something at the last minute.

"Yeah… It says Happy Holidays, Big D… It's from Dudley!" Harry flipped over the
wrappings, just to see if there was anything else. There wasn't… "That's it… Nothing from
my aunt and uncle. They must've chosen to forget about me."

"Well, good riddance with them," Remus huffed. "You have us now, Harry. And your cousin
at least thought of you. How about you send him a Christmas greeting in return? Maybe this
can be a start to repairing the broken relationship between you two."

"Yeah… Maybe I will…" Harry said, his eyes focused on the scribbled note with disbelief.
Could this be a subtle thank you to Harry for saving Dudley's life? The summer after fifth
year, before Severus had taken Harry from Privet Drive, Dudley had for the most part left
Harry alone. Maybe Remus was right, and this was the beginning to Harry and Dudley being
on somewhat good terms with each other now.

Harry pocketed the teabag. The fear he felt and the triggered emotions caused by the parcel
all faded away, knowing it was an actual gift from his cousin. Harry wasn't completely
forgotten this year.

"Are you okay?" Severus asked.

Harry gave his dad a small smile. "I think I am… Can we open presents now?"
Remus chuckled at Harry's request. "Of course we can!"

Severus pulled Harry into a hug, wrapping his arms around him. Harry hugged his dad back,
his cheek pressed against Severus' chest, feeling safe, loved… Like he had felt with Remus'
hug… Like he belonged… And again, it was everything Harry had once wanted as a small
kid….

"Merry first Christmas with us, son," Severus muttered softly. Harry could feel Severus'
beating heart thumping against his cheek and his voice vibrating in his chest. "Whenever you
find yourself thinking about those bad Christmases with the Dursleys, think of this one…
Think of your first Christmas with your dads."

They pulled apart and Severus searched Harry's face with his dark eyes filled with love and
concern. Dark eyes that used to be filled with such coldness and hatred, a thing of the past
which was so hard to believe now.

"You're safe here, you know that don't you? You don't ever have to see those people again."

Harry nodded, but before he could say anything in return, Remus dumped a pile of presents
onto Harry's lap, causing him to laugh hysterically.

They took turns opening presents, admiring the gifts they had received from one another and
from their friends.

Severus had gotten a bag of the finest coffee beans from Madam Puddifoot's shop in
Hogsmeade from Harry. A knitted green Slytherin scarf with his initials on the ends from
Mrs. Weasley. A bottle of red wine, which Severus said was from Dumbledore and had
quickly hidden it away in the kitchen. When he returned, Remus handed Severus a small box
that contained a wooden wolf pendant on a black chain.

Harry couldn't help but smile at the way Severus looked at Remus when he opened the small
box.

"Remus?"

"Lily had given it to me the first Christmas after she found out what I was. She said her dad
had carved it for her."

"It's beautiful…" Severus turned it over, admiring it, then passed it to Harry so he could take
a look at it.

"Your grandfather carved this, Harry," Severus said, then turned back to Remus. "Darling, I
can't take something so special from you."

As they spoke, Harry turned it over in his hand. Admiring the small delicate details,
imagining the grandfather he never got to know, carving this with love for his youngest
daughter. This was Harry's legacy in his hand, this work of art. And Harry wanted Severus to
have it… To connect him as Harry's new family, like his mom had used it to connect Remus
as part of her own.

"It served its purpose with me. I want you to have it. It holds a part of me, of Harry's family.
By wearing it, it'll be like you're connected to us."

Remus had practically taken the words out of Harry's head.

"It should go to Harry," Severus insisted, shaking his head with a frown at the thought of
himself accepting such a gift.

Just as Harry pulled his eyes away from the pendent and onto Severus' face, he saw for a
moment, just a moment that look flashing in his dad's eyes. The thing Severus was hiding,
and Harry chose to ignore it.

"I cannot accept something like that."

"No, it's for you, dad," Harry said, handing back the wolf totem to Severus. "Remus is right."

Severus was so taken aback by Harry's agreement, he could only stare at them until Remus
placed the chain over Severus' head, the totem dangling just over his heart. Severus held it
gently in his fingers, then looked up at Remus who stole a quick and sweet kiss from him.
Harry wolf-whistled at them. Severus' cheeks blushed red and Remus laughed, causing them
to break apart.

Remus had gotten a woolen Weasley sweater with the letter R on it. He took off the current
sweater he was wearing and pulled on the new one with a happy grin, stating that he was an
honorary Weasley now. Harry gave Remus a large box of Honeydukes finest chocolates. And
Severus gave him dark green gloves with a warming charm on them.

Remus smiled at Severus when he opened the box. Harry caught the look exchanged between
them and turned his attention away to give them some privacy, obviously the gloves meant
something between them.

Harry had just finished opening up his presents from his friends. Ron had given him a box of
chocolate frogs. Hermione had given him a few useful books for his D.A. Club. Fred and
George had sent him a huge box of all their latest joke products from their shop which filled
Remus with as much excitement as it did with Harry, bringing out his Marauder side, causing
Severus to fondly shake his head at them as they talked about all of the pranking possibilities
on the Slytherins. There was also a box of chocolates from Romilda Vane with a card asking
to hang out after the holidays. Harry bunched up the note and threw it at a laughing Remus.
Then Harry was just pulling on his new Weasley sweater that had a golden snitch on it, when
his dad placed a fairly big and finely wrapped present onto his lap.

Harry's eyes widened with shock.

"This is from me and Remus," Severus said.

"Dad… Remus…" Harry stuttered out. "You really didn't have to…"

"We wanted to," Severus said.

"Go on, cub," Remus said with excitement in his voice. "Open it."

Harry looked at both of them, Severus with the wooden wolf pendant hanging over his
pajama shirt. Remus in his new Weasley sweater and his hair a mess, just like Harry's own.

At first, Harry opened the wrappings slowly, then once he realized what it was, he excitedly
ripped the rest of it off. It was a box of art supplies. A sketch book, pencils and a magical
book on basic drawing techniques with moving demonstrations. Harry opened the
sketchbook, admiring the smooth white pages, blank, ready to be filled with ideas that were
already popping in his mind.

It had been years since Harry had drawn anything. He wasn't even sure if he still could, but
maybe Severus and Remus were right. Maybe it was time to start again.

"How did you know I might like this? I never gave any hint. This is brilliant!" Harry gasped.

"Your old artwork really is good, cub. We want you to hold on to it. Drawing doesn't just
have to be for kids," Remus said, smiling broadly at Harry's reaction.

Harry put down his gift and hugged Remus. Then he turned to Severus. "You didn't believe
me?"

"You're not as good a liar as you think you are," Severus shrugged. "Also, you told me that
after Remus and I picked it out for you. We were just hoping for a good reaction at this
point."

"And I would've loved it either way and…" Harry moved from Remus to Severus. "I… I love
you…" Harry muttered into Severus' shoulder.

And with those words Severus only held Harry tighter, as if he were afraid of losing him
somehow….

Severus had decided to get started on breakfast while Harry and Remus began to clean up all
of the torn pieces of wrapping paper off the floor, but first he really needed coffee and the
corners of his lips lifted at the sight of the freshly brewed pot Remus had left for him.
Severus picked it up and poured himself a cup, remembering the way Remus had woken him
up that morning…

Severus was in a deep sleep, dreaming of himself and Remus sitting in that meadow with the
view of the Hogwarts castle in the distance. It was a dream he hadn't dreamt in quite a while.
A time where Severus didn't know how he felt about Remus… No longer hating him…
Enchanting… A mystery… New feelings he couldn't understand, couldn't accept….

Remus' soft voice filled the air, blending in with the night sounds of the meadow.
"Fall on me with all your light…"

And underneath the light of the half-moon, Remus' golden eyes shone. Their hands
connected, fingers intertwined together….

Then everything disappeared.

Darkness only darkness… Then Remus' voice called to him.

And Severus began to awake, feeling an arm wrapping around him, being pulled against
something warm and soft. Gentle kisses traced his collarbone, causing Severus to let out a
sigh of contentment as he left his dreaming world behind.

"Wake up, sleepyhead," Remus whispered in his ear, his warm breath sending shivers up and
down Severus' spine. It caused him to remember the night before, the way Remus clung onto
him, naked and warm, skin against skin.

More kisses trailed up Severus' neck, tracing his jawline.

"Is that my new term of endearment?" Severus asked, his voice coming out hoarse from sleep.

"If you like it, then yes," Remus whispered, catching Severus' lips with his own.

And Severus was free-falling, his stomach swooping at the sensation. Severus opened his
mouth, allowing Remus' tongue to dance inside his own. Losing himself in the taste of him,
kissing him back just as fervently with a hand grasping the back of Remus' neck.

When they pulled away, Severus rolled onto his back, finally opening his eyes to Remus'
forest-green depths staring down at him with mischief and warmth.

"It's time to wake up. It's Christmas morning, my love," Remus said, his own voice husky from
sleep.

It made Severus reach up and pull Remus' face down to him, trapping him in another kiss.
"That's better…" Severus muttered.

Another deep kiss, then Remus was pulling away, taking all the warmth with him. Severus
sighed, closing his eyes again, listening to the sounds of Remus heading to the bathroom.
Waiting for him to come back to bed, falling back to sleep….

"I'll brew the coffee," Remus chuckled.

Suddenly a shout from Harry pulled Severus out of his memories, making him sputter out the
coffee he was drinking. Regaining his breath, Severus slammed the mug down onto the
counter and ran to the living room with his heart pounding with panic.

Severus arrived just in time to see Remus taking something out of Harry's hands and
carefully throwing it away into the rubbish bag with a look of utter disgust on his face.
Harry's own face was green and full of shock.
"Hey, what happened?!" Severus asked, rushing over to them.

"I opened Kreacher's present," Harry said, sounding like he was about to be sick.

"It was a box of maggots, the little wretch!" Remus spat. "He hated Sirius, and it looks like
his hatred has passed down to Harry unfairly."

Severus watched Remus gather the rest of the rubbish on the floor, then tying it shut before
banishing it all to the rubbish bins outside with just a wave of his wand.

Remus then said to Harry, "Kreacher doesn't know how lucky he is that you sent him to work
in the Hogwarts kitchens, Harry. There are worse places for a house-elf."

"I just hope I can still eat breakfast," Harry muttered, looking greener than before. "I really
think I'm going to be sick."

Severus placed a hand on Harry's shoulder, steering him to the kitchen. "Come with me, I'll
fix you something to settle your stomach."

Harry nodded, stopping to pick up his sketchbook and pencils. "Remus?" While Severus was
speaking to Harry, Remus had disappeared into his dad's study.

"I'll join you lads in a moment!" Remus called out.

Severus was just taking things out of the icebox when Remus rejoined them with a wooden
muggle device that looked worn and well-used. Harry was sitting at the table drinking the tea
his cousin had sent him, laced with a potion to take his nausea away.

"How are you feeling?" Remus asked.

"Much better thanks to dad, and Dudley… His tea isn't bad."

Remus placed the muggle device on the counter then poured himself some coffee, mixing it
with the leftover hot chocolate until it was barely even coffee anymore, causing Severus to
roll his eyes.

Remus then lifted his mug to Harry. "Cheers to Dudley and his change of heart," he said, then
drank his chocolate-mixed coffee.

"Cheers!" Harry said back, then laughed at the way Severus was watching Remus with a
mixture of exasperation and disgust.

Remus turned his head to Severus with his mischievous smile. "What? Do I have something
on my face or something?"

"What's the point of even drinking coffee?" Severus jerked his head at Remus' mug.

"It's now a peppermint mocha…" Remus laughed.

"A what?"
"Severus, you grew up with a muggle. I would've thought you'd remember at least their
coffee terms."

Harry laughed at Remus' words to Severus. During their playful bickering, Harry had begun
to practice his drawing techniques from the instruction book that was laying face open on the
table in front of him.

Severus glared at his kid. Harry looked up at the same moment and shrugged with a smirk,
and Severus knew he was taking Remus' side on this. Harry had pointed out before that
Severus was too out of touch with his muggle side, and was that a bad thing? Severus had
gone out of his way to forget everything that reminded him of his father, anything that made
him part of Tobias Snape, and he realized that meant everything muggle as well. In Severus'
heart he only saw himself as part of Eileen Prince, his mother, an extraordinary and talented
witch.

"What is that anyways?" Severus asked, nodding his head at the muggle-device.

"My mom's old radio. I found it in my dad's library." Remus put his mug down besides
Severus' own and began to play with the little gold dials. "I'm hoping it still connects to the
muggle satellites."

Severus turned around and began to start preparing the pancake batter. "It sounds like you're
talking nonsense. Why don't you just use the wizarding network?"

"No, because by popular opinions of me, Lily, and Sirius, muggle Christmas music was
always the best."

Suddenly voices were coming out from the little device.

"Aha!" Remus exclaimed with excitement, turning the dials around until Christmas songs
began to fill up the kitchen. Harry cheered at Remus' success.

Severus and Remus continued their playful bickering as they cooked breakfast together,
occasionally flirting and stealing a few kisses every now and then. Remus kept trying to get
Severus to sing along with him to the Christmas songs on the radio, but Severus absolutely
refused. No one needed to hear his voice. He was perfectly fine just hearing Remus' as it
filled up the kitchen, causing Severus to fall even more in love with him. Severus didn't think
it was possible to fall in love with a person more and more each day, but it was… It was very
possible… And he couldn't stop it, even with the terrible promise hanging over his head,
darkening his future. Forever shackled to Albus and the Dark Lord… And the heartbreak… It
was going to change Severus forever… But those hazel-green eyes and that incredible
voice… Severus was powerless against his heart beating for Remus Lupin, no matter the
consequences.

Harry stayed at the table occasionally joining in on their conversations and laughing at their
bickering, singing along with Remus who helped him reach a few notes. Harry, of course,
wasn't bad at singing. As always, he was talented in almost everything he tried, just like his
parents. Severus appreciated the bright chaotic energy Remus was creating that morning,
distracting Harry from his triggering emotions that had caused him to create the inky mess on
his arm. Seeing the splotchy lines, Severus knew Harry had pressed the tip of the marker hard
against the skin of his forearm as if he wanted to cut until he bled, that Harry was in such a
state that he needed to physically feel his internal pain. And it broke Severus, it seemed like
for a moment Harry was making such progress from his last relapse. Yet, not all was lost,
Severus realized the difference between this relapse and the past ones. Harry was able to take
Severus' advice and use the marker instead of a blade or something else sharp. That
realization brought him such relief, especially the fact that Harry did put an effort on being
communicative and not closing up this time.

They spent the early afternoon ice-skating until it was time to go inside to get ready for
Molly's Christmas feast at the Burrow. Severus was just buttoning up his black vest over a
white long-sleeved shirt when he suddenly gasped out from the sudden pain, clenching his
forearm. He forced himself to take deep, slow breaths to prevent himself from voicing out his
pain again. He didn't want to alert Remus and Harry. Severus eased himself down on the foot
of the bed, clenching his teeth with frustration. How did the Dark Lord expect his followers
to come to him when their bodies were in so much agony, they could barely move? Why
would anyone want to follow the Dark Lord, when being summoned to him was through
pain?

And Severus didn't want to do this anymore. He didn't want to leave his family now for the
Dark Lord's summons. He didn't want to hurt them, betray them for Albus Dumbledore.
Severus didn't want to be the martyr, the unsung hero of the wizarding world, forcibly
destined to carry the rest of Albus' plans out after his death. He didn't want to do it anymore.

That terrible night when Severus answered the Dark Lord's call without bringing Harry,
purposely disobeying the Dark Lord's order, Severus thought that was going to be the end of
his life. But it was his talent, his brilliant talent of complete mastery of Occlumency and
Legilimency, unknown to the Dark Lord that saved Severus' life that night. Severus was able
to plant false memories in his own mind for the Dark Lord to take, not knowing that every
truthful thought and memory was safely kept behind Severus' hidden mental shields.

That was the last time Severus was called, and he wondered why that was. Was the Dark
Lord still doubting Severus? Or was he just laying low, planning something more sinister?
Could Albus know about it? Would Severus find out tonight? Another spasm of pain made
Severus break his control, and he let out a loud gasp before he could stop himself. He had to
stop wasting time and get going. The Dark Lord was growing impatient.

Just as Severus finally forced himself to stand up, Remus entered the room. His face was full
of worry and Severus knew Remus had heard his pain-filled gasp with his werewolf super-
hearing.

"Severus, love?" Remus hurried over to him. "I could hear you in the living room, are you
okay?"
Severus stood with his head bowed down, his dark hair falling like curtains over his face. He
clenched his jaw as another spasm of pain shot through his arm. Severus squeezed his
forearm tight, hiding the pulsating Dark Mark from Remus.

Severus felt Remus pry his hand away from his arm, his soft fingers intertwining with
Severus' own. And Severus was looking into hazel-green eyes flecked with specks of gold.
Those beautiful eyes that kept Severus afloat, were swirling with fear and concern. Severus
hated that he was the cause of those emotions.

"Voldemort is calling you," Remus said, and it wasn't a question. "And you don't want to go."

Severus could only nod his confirmation on Remus' intuitive statement. The pain was now
traveling up his arm and settling in his chest, constricting his lungs in a tight bind, wrapping
around his heart which was fiercely beating for Severus' life. If he didn't leave soon, Severus
feared he would slowly suffocate, as if the Dark Lord had wrapped his spindly fingers around
his heart, squeezing the life out of it until Severus obeyed.

"Severus…"

"If it was my choice," Severus gasped out. "I wouldn't want any part of this war. You know
that, don't you? If it were up to me, we would hide out here with Harry until it was over."

"You know that can never be… Harry and I are fighters, we're Gryffindors. We wouldn't be
able to hide away while the people we love are out there fighting, out there dying for a better
world. And I know you wouldn't let us fight without you. You would follow us to the ends of
the earth trying to protect us."

"What can I say?" Severus said through gritted teeth. "I'm a Slytherin."

"A Slytherin with Gryffindor qualities."

"You take that back…" Severus let slip a low groan, clutching his chest this time.

"Severus!" Remus wrapped an arm around his waist, trying to steady him. "You should get
going, you shouldn't keep him waiting!"

"What about Harry? He was so afraid the last time I was called. And especially the way he
woke up this morning, triggered to cut, he's not going to take this well."

"Don't worry, I'll talk to him. Harry and I are in a better place now. He'll be okay with me…"

"Where is he? I need to sneak out by flooing somewhere else. I don't want to leave a magical
trail by Disapparating from here…" Severus shakily pulled on his robes.

The floo network was only set up through the living room fireplace that connected to Remus'
quarters at Hogwarts. Severus didn't want Harry to see him leave, he didn't want to scare him
like the last two times. It was easier if Severus went unnoticed.

But it was too late. Any plan Severus had of sneaking away quickly disappeared.
"Dad, Remus, we're going to be late and you guys have to explain to Mrs. Weasley why…"
Harry came into the bedroom ready to go with his firebolt in hand. He was dressed in dark
jeans and his new Weasley sweater with a jacket over it. It looked familiar. It was a beige
color with pockets on the front, and Severus briefly remembered seeing Remus wearing it at
that age. Harry must've found it in Remus' closet that was still filled with his old clothes.

Harry took one glance at Severus and dropped his firebolt. "Dad?"

Severus knelt down in front of his son, grasping him by his upper-arms. His eyes connected
with Harry's own, bright-green and full of fear.

"Harry… Listen to me… I…"

"Don't go!" Harry shouted out before Severus could finish.

"You know I don't have a choice!"

"But what if you don't come back?"

"What did I tell you the last time?"

"That you're too clever to let Voldemort kill you."

"Exactly, and what else?"

"To trust you…"

"Do you trust me?"

Harry was quiet, bowing his head down so his black fringe covered his eyes.

Severus gripped Harry tighter. "Son, do you trust me to come back?"

"I trust you…" Harry finally whispered.

"Good, now can you do me a favor?" Severus asked as he finally released his hold on his son.

Harry didn't answer him, he only watched Severus take off the wolf pendant Remus had
given him from where it was nestled safely around his neck, tucked underneath his shirt.
When Remus had given it to him that morning, Severus was so touched by the beautiful and
simple gift with so much meaning behind it, he had vowed to himself he would never take it
off, but Severus had to break it. He couldn't risk wearing it around the Dark Lord.

Severus gently placed it on Harry, tucking the pendant underneath his Weasley sweater so it
was close to his heart and safe. "Take care of that for me, will you? I'll be coming back for
it."

Harry only nodded his head, tears welling up from behind his eyes. Severus pulled him into a
tight hug. He hated how his summons to the Dark Lord always left Harry a mess, triggering
him so badly. Severus could feel it in the way Harry was hanging on to him so tightly, his
body shaking. Making Harry revert to his old self, a lost child afraid to trust, closing in on
himself… And Severus couldn't blame Harry for this behavior… He completely understood.
Harry always had trouble trusting adults, because the ones he grew up with, the ones who
were supposed to take care of him and love him, were the ones that hurt Harry in the worst
possible way, raising him with only rejection and neglect and abuse… And now that Harry
found Severus as a father-figure to love and trust, the thought of losing him was the hardest
thing for Harry to deal with, a highly possible consequence of losing his godfather to death.
Fucking Black!

"Be strong, son. Don't you worry. I'll come back. I always do," Severus whispered in Harry's
ear. Another spasm of pain went through Severus and he couldn't suppress it. It was stronger,
sharper. It burned a trail from his wrist to his heart. It made Severus gasp out loud, causing
Harry to tighten his hold even more. And Severus couldn't breathe. The Dark Lord was
growing angrier with each passing second Severus was wasting. He had to go now, but Harry
wouldn't let him go.

"Harry…" Severus said breathlessly. "Come on, son, I have to go. I'm sorry, I have to go."

Harry didn't budge. Severus looked up and caught Remus' eye who was silently watching
them with a worried frown. His eyes were more golden than before and Severus knew the
wolf spirit inside Remus must be agitated from all of the high emotions in the room. This was
affecting Remus too, and Severus hated that he was the cause of all this. He really hated
doing this, leaving them like this, hurting them like this….

"Harry, Harry…son… You have to let me go… Let me go… Remus…" Severus pleaded.

Remus knelt down beside them, placing a hand on Harry's shoulder. Harry flinched away
from his touch, causing Severus and Remus to exchange an alarmed look.

Another spasm of pain went through Severus. He couldn't breathe and Harry's grip became
tighter. Severus caught Remus' eye over Harry's head, holding it until he was pushing through
his mind, asking for entrance. Remus allowed Severus into his chaotic mind, swirling with
fear for Severus' safety, worry for Harry's reaction, and the effort of suppressing the howling
wolf deep inside his soul.

"Remus, darling, I'll be okay… Just pry Harry off me. It's okay if he fights you. I really have
to go. It's hurting! I have to go so the pain can stop, just pry Harry off me!" Severus pleaded,
then was forced out of Remus' mind from another painful spasm, so intense that it made
Severus shout out.

Remus didn't need any more convincing. He grabbed Harry around the waist and pulled him
off Severus.

"Dad, no, no!" Harry fought against Remus' strong grip. "Please, don't go! Don't go!"

"Go, Severus! I got him!" Remus shouted, locking Harry against his chest.

And Severus didn't need telling twice. He left the room. He didn't even stop to tell Remus
that he loved him, just in case, but Severus couldn't let himself think like that. He was going
to come back. He was going to come back tonight and tell his boyfriend how much he loved
him, tell him how grateful he was to him for doing the hardest thing, ripping Harry away
from Severus.

Severus grabbed the floo powder from the living room mantel and threw it into the fireplace.

"Remus Lupin's quarters, Hogwarts!" And the last thing Severus heard were Harry's cries,
shattering the rest of Severus' breaking heart. The pieces falling in the soot that covered his
shoes. If this was how triggered Harry reacted to Severus being called to the Dark Lord on
Albus' orders, then how much greater would Harry react after Severus completed his task?
When Harry would think that Severus really did betray Albus and the light side of the war,
betrayed Remus, betrayed him, really leaving Harry and never coming back. Left with
nothing but hurt and broken promises and betrayal.

As Severus walked towards Malfoy Manor from the Apparition point, the pain from his Dark
Mark began to finally ease, as if the Dark Lord already knew Severus was set to be at his side
in a matter of minutes. Precious minutes Severus used to prepare himself. He pushed away all
of his emotions, his guilt on leaving Harry and Remus, and shoved them behind his mental
barrier. Then mentally hiding that barrier, protecting everything that was dear to Severus.
And with his mask on, the mental one and the Death Eater one, Severus was ready to step
through the threshold of Malfoy Manor.

The Dark Lord was sitting at the head of the dining hall, and it took everything in Severus to
keep his mental barriers up. To not break character. To not think about Harry and Remus. To
not shiver in fear with disgust and hatred at seeing those red eyes. This monster was the
reason for Harry's breakdown tonight. The reason why Severus' new family was soon going
to be ripped away from him.

The Death Eaters were seated all around the Dark Lord, a map of the Weasley's land and of
the Burrow was open on the table. Severus strengthened his mental shields even more as all
of their eyes turned to him.

"So nice of you to finally join us, Severusss," The Dark Lord hissed with dangerous anger.
"You know I don't like to be kept waiting! Crucio!"

The curse hit so fast, Severus didn't realize he had fallen over until he was on the floor
writhing in pain. And he wasn't allowed to defend himself. He had to take it. But Severus still
had a small rebellious streak inside him. He fought through the pain. He didn't dare lose
himself to it. Instead Severus gave it his all to focus on his mental shields, keeping them up
as his screams ripped through the hall.

The Dark Lord did not need eye contact to force his way into Severus' head. And despite the
agony Severus was in, he was ready. The Dark Lord's presence was vile, it was dark. It was
heavy and suffocating and it hurt worse than anything Severus had ever felt before, more than
being called through the Dark Mark, more than the Cruciatus Curse he was being tortured
with that very moment.

Severus gritted his teeth, closing his eyes tight as he released all of his worst memories and
emotions to the Dark Lord, giving him what he was searching for. The confirmation that
Severus was still on his side, still consumed with hatred for Albus Dumbledore and the
spawn of James Potter. He let it all spill out, memories of Severus' father and the drunken
abuse towards Severus and his mom. The bullying he suffered from James Potter and Sirius
Black. The misunderstanding, being ignored by Albus Dumbledore as he favored the
Marauders. Losing Lily, the deep rooted pain that turned into hatred for her son. The reasons,
the hatred, the grudges that Severus had once felt as a young adult fresh out of school. The
reasons why he joined the Dark Lord's ranks. It all spilled out… And Severus fed it all to the
Dark Lord… Leaving Severus shaking, leaving him in so much pain that he was drowning in
it… Thankfully the physical effects of it could all be blamed from the Cruciatus Curse.

And Severus hated himself for doing this. But he had to… He had to do it to keep up his
cover. He created a false memory of himself arguing with Harry as they left Spinner's End,
dropping him off at the Burrow before Apparating to Malfoy Manor. It seemed like they were
planning on something to do with the Burrow anyways… An attack Severus feared was too
late to stop.

"Is that why you're late?" The Dark Lord hissed, finally pulling himself out Severus' mind.
The Cruciatus Curse was finally lifted. And Severus finally felt free from the suffocating
darkness. His mind was clear once again.

"You forget Potter's under my care. I had to make sure to leave him at the Burrow. I could
lose my cover if I'm too careless with him!" Severus gasped out, pulling himself up to his
hands and knees. His Death Eater mask had fallen off, but the hood of his cloak hid Severus'
face in shadow.

The Dark Lord hissed and slashed Severus' back with a slicing charm. Red blood clouded the
white fabric of his shirt, seeping through his black vest and robes. Severus forced himself not
to scream.

"Do you hear that, my loyal servants? Severus confirmed Potter's presence at the Burrow.
This will make our plan go accordingly."

The Death Eaters' shouts of triumph and pleasure echoed through the hall, and among them
Severus heard a familiar growl. He whipped his head to the source of it and his eyes locked
with Fenrir Greyback.

It took great control in Severus to not hit him with the killing curse. How the fuck did he find
his way back to the Dark Lord's side?! He had been arrested for kidnapping Harry only
months ago!

Another slicing charm hit Severus in the back once more, causing him to grunt out from the
shock of the sudden pain, accidentally biting his lip hard. Blood streamed out of his wound
and down his chin, staining the front of his robes, landing in a puddle on the floor.
Severus kept his eyes on the gleaming drops of blood as the Dark Lord hissed, "Thank you
for your contribution… Severusss… My moosstt trusted ssservant. Come, sit by me…"

Severus grabbed his Death Eater mask and put it back on, then he pushed himself up from the
floor, willing his body to stop trembling as he took the empty chair next to the Dark Lord.
The seat no one dared to take. Only Bellatrix Lestrange sat so near her master, leaving her to
be across from Severus. Bellatrix glared at Severus with her heavy-lidded eyes. She was the
only Death Eater who never hid behind a mask.

"We're planning a holiday gift for Dumbledore and his Order of the Phoenix…" The Dark
Lord laughed.

"A little holiday scare for baby Potter," Bellatrix added in a high-pitched tone, followed by
cruel maniacal laughter. It took everything in Severus to stay passive, to not just reach across
the table and strangle the life out of her for ever thinking, of daring, to hurt his son.

And the plan was horrific.

It was horrific and it struck a spasm of fear deep inside Severus, but he couldn't allow himself
to feel it or acknowledge it. Just in case it came out in his voice. Just in case the Dark Lord
decided to invade his mind again. Severus was forced to sit there and give his input on it, and
he hated himself for it. He hated that he was powerless to stop their plan. The only small
hope that was barely a blinking light in the darkness was that Harry would be too upset to go
to the Burrow, that he and Remus might've stayed safe at the cabin.

But just in case Severus' tiny flickering light of hope was in vain, he proposed the idea to
have Bellatrix appear in front of the Burrow before they set it on fire. That way the Weasleys
would have a warning and get themselves out of there. The Death Eaters were
underestimating them on a holiday like this. The Weasleys and some of the invited Order
members would be on the alert for any sign of trouble. They were bound to notice Bellatrix
as soon as she appeared in the yard. And if Harry was there, he would see her. Severus knew
his son well enough that there was a huge possibility of Harry running after her for killing
Black, and Remus and everyone else would follow after them, leaving the Burrow empty.

It was the only thing Severus could think of, even if it put Harry in danger, he hoped Bellatrix
would obey her master by not touching Harry, saved for only the Dark Lord to touch. Severus
made everyone believe that having Bellatrix appear first was to goad everyone in the Burrow,
to strike fear in their hearts, to ensure that this was a proper gift from the Dark Lord. The
Death Eaters ate up Severus' words like the idiots they all were. Severus was praised by the
Dark Lord for his brilliant idea. And oh, if only they knew the real reasons behind Severus'
plan… If only they knew….

And even if his tactic worked in keeping everyone in the Burrow safe, Severus despised
himself for not being able to do anything else. For not being strong enough to stop the plan
altogether. He hated sitting there beside the Dark Lord, the murderer of his best friend, the
one responsible for so much of Harry's trauma… But Severus did it… He sat there without
any expression to give away the turmoil going on behind his protected mental shields, of the
fear and anger, the helplessness and guilt. Severus sat there in silence, playing the part of the
Dark Lord's most trusted servant… And Severus despised it… He hated the position he was
in. He hated himself. He just wanted to scream and rebel, take Harry and Remus and run…
But Severus couldn't, he mustn't lose control… There was too much at stake… This was the
only way… No other way… No way out….

Remus held onto Harry tightly against his chest. No matter how hard Harry tried to fight him
off, Remus was resilient. Clawing at Remus' arms with his nails, trying to pull them away,
Harry let out a shout of frustration. He couldn't let Severus go again. What if he never came
back? Just like Sirius… What if Severus was killed tonight by Voldmort's killing curse? Just
like his parents… And what if Voldemort called Severus only to torture him? Like Remus
had been….

"Dad… Dad… Dad, please don't go! Don't go… Don't go… Don't go!" Harry shouted.

And Harry hated this, he hated how he was losing control of his emotions. The way he had
clung onto Severus like a frightened child. The way he was hurting Remus, trying to fight out
of his hold. It was just something about Severus being called away into danger that always
scared Harry so much that it left him a wreck.

The sounds of the flames in the living room fireplace roared to life, then died out. Harry
stopped shouting. The cabin was silent except for his and Remus' heavy breaths. The silence
was the worst Harry had ever felt, signaling Severus' departure and he broke down crying.
His legs gave out, feeling as if his bones were all spelled away. Harry sank to the floor.

"Harry…" Remus guided him down, then finally released his hold.

Harry didn't say a word. And even if he wanted to, he couldn't because his throat was
painfully closing up. He only pulled his knees up to his chest and buried his face into his lap.
Harry wanted to cut. The feel of a cool blade against his skin sounded so nice and comforting
at the moment, the only thing that would soothe the intense fear that was consuming him. His
body was shaking so hard. He couldn't stop thinking of his dad walking into his grave.
Harry's thoughts were so morbid, and he tried to stop them but he couldn't, and so he let
himself fall into them.

"Harry, don't close up on me now… Talk to me…"

Remus… Remus' voice started pulling Harry out.

"I know this is hard, cub. I know how much this scares you that you may lose your dad…"

"I hate it when he goes…" Harry choked through fresh tears streaming down his cheeks.

"I hate it too, believe me I do… I want to cry and scream just like you. But I need to be
strong for you and for Severus… We both have to be strong for him."

"He was in so much pain…" Harry's voice was muffled in his lap, but he knew Remus could
still hear him. "And I made it worse by not letting him go… I couldn't let him go… I'm
sorry… I'm sorry… I'm sorry…" Harry started crying harder.
"No, Harry, no, don't apologize. You have nothing to apologize for."

Harry couldn't say anything else, only crying hard into his lap, his body shaking so hard.

"Harry, I know you don't want me to touch you right now, but can I please just give you a
hug?"

Harry shook his head. He couldn't stand the thought of being touched right now. He was too
triggered. He wanted to cut. He needed to feel the blade that would make all the bad feelings
go away. And somehow, Remus saw that…

Harry felt a gentle touch on his shoulder, causing him to flinch.

"Don't!" Harry shouted, then he caught sight of Remus kneeling in front of him with the
purple marker Severus had given Harry.

"I just want you to take this," Remus said.

Harry took the marker from Remus' hand and popped off the cap, pressing hard lines into his
skin over the marks he had made that morning. It was the second time that day he was
triggered to cut, and Harry felt so disappointed in himself. He really thought he was getting
better for a moment there. Two relapses in one day? What was wrong with him?

"Talk to me, cub," Remus pleaded, still kneeling in front of Harry, watching him draw hard
lines into his skin, hard enough to feel a bit of pain. "If Severus were here he would say no
closing up."

Harry imagined himself rebuilding his brick wall in his head, trying to protect himself in vain
because Remus kept stubbornly knocking the newly placed bricks to the ground.

Why can't he just leave me alone?

"Come on, Harry… What is going on inside your head?"

Harry didn't acknowledge Remus, he only continued to draw on his arm. The silence in the
room was tense. He couldn't stop, it wasn't satisfying enough like the cut of a blade. Harry
pressed harder. Fresh warm tears spilled out from his eyes as he grunted out in frustration.

"Harry…"

The agony and heartbreak in Remus' voice caused Harry to finally look up, and he found
himself lost in Remus' eyes. Wide hazel eyes flecked with gold swirling with a deep concern.
The stress lines on his face were more prominent, making him look years older than his
actual age. And seeing Remus so worried for him like that, reminded Harry of his list. It
reminded him that he wanted to get better, he didn't want to rely on hurting himself to get him
through the hardest parts of his life. And in that moment, Harry knew he had to trust Remus
more, he had to let him in. It was everything he was trying to improve in himself. Trust his
dad, which didn't mean just Severus now. Remus was a second dad to him and it was time for
Harry to start trusting him completely, like he was trying with Severus. That meant he had to
stop rebuilding his wall, and he mentally knocked the reforming bricks down. More fresh
tears started to roll down his cheeks as he dropped the marker, the sound of it clattering on
the wooden floor. The trance was broken, leaving Harry's body to shake more than ever
before. He no longer wanted to cut, he wanted to be held. Harry wanted Remus to tell him
that everything was going to be okay, that Severus would return to them safe and sound.

And with a strangled cry, Harry threw himself into Remus' arms.

Remus held Harry tight, not letting go. He pressed the side of his face against Remus' chest,
listening to the calming sound of his beating heart as Remus whispered to him that
everything was going to be okay.

Harry believed every word Remus whispered to him. His gentle voice, his beating heart as he
held him began to calm Harry down, taking away the mixture of the bad feelings and the
intense fear that was consuming him.

And he found himself finally able to talk again….

"When Severus goes to Voldemort…" Harry's voice painfully croaked, still in Remus'
embrace. "It feels like I'm losing Sirius all over again. It feels like I've lost you again, Remus,
and I have no idea where you are or if you're even alive. It feels like I'm a little kid again,
asking Aunt Petunia about my parents and how they died. And she snaps out that they died in
a car crash and to stop bothering her with questions. The fear of being left alone, of losing the
people I care about, it resurfaces and I just lose myself in it. I'm sorry for being like this, for
being such a mess. I wish I was strong like you. I know you must be scared to death of losing
Severus too, especially after you lost Sirius and my parents… I'm sorry… I'm sorry..."

"Hey… Hey… Enough of that now, cub. You don't have to apologize for your feelings. This
is triggering for you, I understand that, believe me I do after everything you've gone
through… I understand. I just don't want you closing up from me, don't shut me out again. I
want you to talk to me when this happens, okay?"

"I'm trying…"

Remus pulled out of the hug and lifted Harry's chin, wiping away his tears with a summoned
handkerchief from Severus' night table. It had the initials E.P, something Harry noticed in the
moment then forgotten immediately as Remus spoke to him. "I know you're trying," he said.
His hazel eyes were full of warmth. Tear tracks stained his own cheeks, and Harry realized
Remus must've been silently crying along with him as he held him. "Just know that no matter
what happens, I'm always going to be around for you. Do you understand what I'm saying,
cub? You've got me too… You're not alone."

"Yeah, I understand…" Harry said softly, suddenly remembering the evening when he and
Remus were walking down the corridor after a D.A club lesson. Remus had finally appeared
after hiding in his quarters for days. Harry had let slip the term dads and he remembered how
touched Remus reacted when he asked Harry if he saw him as his dad… Harry wanted to
cheer Remus up like that again… And the words he was about to say were true, causing a
warmth to spread over him, chasing away the lingering anxiety for good. "You're my dad too,
remember I'd sort of mentioned that before? Thanks for reminding me…"
And with those words, Remus smiled. "Of course I do, and you're my son." He pulled Harry
into another brief hug then they sat together in silence, side by side on the bedroom floor,
waiting for Severus to return to them.

And when it seemed like perhaps an hour had passed of waiting and waiting and waiting…
Remus finally broke the silence.

"Do you still want to go to the Burrow?"

Harry shook his head. He couldn't imagine himself going there, speaking to people,
pretending to enjoy the holiday with his friends knowing Severus was possibly getting
tortured at this very moment. Why was he taking so long to come back? What was Voldemort
doing with him? Why did he need him on Christmas day? No, Harry had to wait here… He
couldn't do anything but wait….

"You know what I think we should do?" Remus said again.

"What?" Harry's voice cracked. It was still sore from all the crying and shouting he had done.

"I think we should go to the Burrow. I don't know about you but the silence of waiting is
killing me. At least there, we can be a bit distracted. It would make the time go faster, and
perhaps before we know it, he'll return."

"I can't imagine being at the Burrow without Severus…"

"I know, but remember that he wanted you to have the best Christmas this year? Can we give
him that? I just know it'll make Severus happy when he returns."

Harry sighed at Remus' words. "You're right."

Remus stood up, then offered Harry a hand. "Come on, cub. You don't have to join in on any
of the festivities if you don't want to. If you just want to sit and wait for Severus there, we'll
do it together at the Burrow surrounded by Weasleys and Molly's good food. How does that
sound?"

He hesitated, not really sure what to do. Remus' reasons did seem to make sense. And waiting
at the Burrow with his friends did seem a bit tempting now. Remus was right, the silence was
terrible.

"Remember that I'm here with you," Remus reminded him.

And Harry finally grabbed Remus' outstretched hand with those words.
 Nymphadora

Chapter Twenty - Nymphadora

The night was cold. The sun had set hours ago and in its place was the glowing moon. The
frosty chill stung Remus' cheeks and nose, causing him to shiver just a bit, yet he was still
content to sit under the yellow porch light on the back steps of the Burrow. Laughter and
muffled conversations could be heard from the cracks of the open windows, along with the
Wizarding network playing Celestina Warbeck and the Banshees.

Remus took a deep breath, then exhaled, watching his misty breath swirling in front of him. It
reminded him of the night he and Severus kissed after Slughorn's Christmas party. The
memory of the condensation from their breaths intermingling as one, with snow falling down
all around them, landing on their shoulders, on the fabrics of their best dress robes and in
their hair. The way Severus' eyes had glistened with emotion, dark obsidian eyes so full of
vulnerability as he opened up to Remus and told him how he felt for him. The cracks in his
mask finally coming apart. Just for Remus. Their hearts opening up for each other, walls
coming down, their foreheads leaning against one another. And kissing over and over again
that night, unable to stop. Unable to let each other go just in case it was only a dream.

And right now in that moment, sitting on the porch, Remus felt like it had only been a dream.
A dream of a beautiful starry cold night that may as well never happen again….

Remus had been able to remain strong all day, not allowing himself to give in to his slowly
growing fear of the possibility of Severus never returning from Voldemort's summons. All
day, he had strictly forced himself to not think of the worst case scenario of this night ending,
and instead only thought about the moment Severus would reappear, safe and without injury.
How at any moment he would be back in Remus' arm, out of harm's way. But as the hours
passed… It was getting harder and harder to imagine that moment happening, harder and
harder to believe that Severus would ever be in his arms again… Harder and harder for
Remus to pretend to himself that he was strong enough to wait without fear overtaking him.
That the worst case scenario of this night may actually turn into reality.

Fear was such an ugly and relieving feeling for Remus. It washed over him. Now that he was
alone, he didn't have to pretend to himself any longer or even to others that he was okay, like
he wasn't afraid for the life of his boyfriend. Remus let his fear take over and it was sort of
relieving to just let it flow, to let it rise and settle into his heart, to let it settle into his gut,
causing him to feel sick. He let it settle into his lungs, into his chest, until pressure began to
form and the rhythm of his heart began to skip beats.

And he was suddenly gasping for air. His vision became blurred. He buried his head into his
lap, his arms curling around his knees into a fetal position with his breath coming out ragged.
Remus let it happen, just for a few moments. Letting himself feel the panic at the thought of
Severus' life in danger. Because this was the only time to let himself feel it, and oh it was so
relieving to finally let it all go.
And when it began to finally cease, Remus opened his eyes, sitting back up and taking deep
breaths, hoping it would help calm him down a bit.

Perhaps a drink of wine could help, but Remus banished the thought out of his head. He
didn't want to let himself succumb to his vices, to rely on drinking when things got too hard,
like the way Sirius had done. And especially not tonight, Remus wanted to be sober if
Severus did finally return, needed to be sober and controlled and calm for Harry as well, who
needed him.

The snow wasn't as heavy here at Ottery St. Catchpole than it was at his parent's cabin. At
least Remus' hands were kept warm, enveloped in the softness of the green gloves Severus
had given him for Christmas. And looking down at his gloved hands, remembering that very
morning, Remus felt his heart wrench at the very thought of Severus being in the mercy of
Voldemort for hours now. At the very thought of him being possibly tortured and hurt that
very moment, and there was nothing Remus could do about it.

It was so hard to be inside the Burrow, to socialize with the Weasley's guests. To enjoy the
party. To eat Molly's good food. To smile and laugh and pretend like his heart wasn't beating
with suppressed fear and anticipation. To hide the fact that his senses were on constant high
alert for any sound, scent or sight of Severus' arrival. Any sign. And the guilt…the guilt ate
away at him.

Severus was most likely being tortured and Remus was here at a bloody party!

And when the hours passed with still no sign or word from Severus, the warmth and safety of
the Burrow grew too hot and suffocating to Remus.

The good company, the music, the intermingling laughter, and conversations had all become
too loud, too overwhelming, too exhausting…

It was all suddenly too much to hold a conversation, to smile, to laugh, to pretend like
everything was okay when it wasn't, and suddenly Remus found himself struggling to
breathe.

He needed space. He needed quiet. He needed to be alone somewhere so he could

decompress his emotions. To not have to pretend like everything was fucking okay inside of
him.

Before he could make his escape, Remus had spotted Harry sitting on the couches talking to
Arthur. He was able to catch their quiet conversation about the recent raids on Malfoy Manor,
and what Draco was trying to get fixed at Borgin and Burkes. And knowing Harry would be
okay and not even notice him missing for a while, Remus had managed to slip away,
disappearing out of the back door without anyone noticing.

The sound of party crackers were suddenly heard, followed by a round of laughter. No doubt
the chaos was caused by the Weasley twins.

When Remus and Harry had arrived at the Burrow earlier that day, Harry was still stuck in
his quiet mood behind his brick wall, still closed off, still shocked at Severus' sudden
departure.

Molly and Arthur had realized right away the somber mood between them, and the fact that
Severus was missing. Remus had only frowned and shook his head when they asked if
everything was okay, not even sure what he was allowed to say. And the Weasleys
understood and didn't ask anymore. They knew it had to do with the war. They knew the
importance of what Severus did for the Order of the Phoenix and the secrecy of his role.

Once the greetings were over, Harry had seated himself in an armchair by the fireplace,
refusing anything to eat or drink from Molly. Clearly not wanting to talk to anyone, he'd just
silently waited for Severus' return. His green gaze resting on the dancing orange flames in the
grate.

Ron and Ginny had sensed Harry's mood and decided to set up a game of gobstones between
them on the coffee table, letting Harry be until he was ready to join them.

Remus had taken a seat on the other armchair, giving Harry space but still near enough to
offer his silent support, accepting a cup of hot chocolate and biscuits from Molly. He'd
quietly conversed with her and Arthur until Charlie, Bill and his fiancé Fleur Delacour
arrived, followed by Fred and George not long after. Their attention was then taken away
from Remus, leaving him to sit in silent vigil near Harry.

And just when Harry had finally seemed to break out of his silent mood, about to join his
friends in a round of gobstones, Rufus Scrimgeour, along with the Weasley's third and
estranged son, Percy Weasley, had both unexpectedly showed up to the Burrow to talk to
Harry. Causing a tension so thick, it was hard to believe the Burrow was so full of lively
chatter and holiday greetings just moments before.

Remus recalled the surge of fierce protection he'd felt for his cub. The growl that vibrated
deep inside his soul from the wolf wanting to protect its pack. Remus didn't like the idea of
Harry talking to the newly appointed Minister of Magic alone, and he knew Severus wouldn't
either. But Harry demanded to go. There was suddenly no sign of the broken and stressed-out
teenager he was just moments before, sitting in silent vigil for his father to return. And in the
end, Molly and Arthur had looked to Remus to make the decision.

Remus had studied Harry for a few moments before answering, thinking how Severus
certainly wouldn't like it, but Harry was indeed almost of age, and had proven he could stand
on his own against his enemies countless times. And taking in Harry's clenched jaw, his green
eyes filled with determination, Remus had found himself nodding his approval. No doubt
Sirius and James would've been proud of their son and godson.

So as Harry and Scrimgeour went out through the back door, Molly, Arthur, and Remus had
stayed in the kitchen along with the Weasley children who were all glaring at their brother.

Fred and George were standing in front of Molly who tried reaching out to Percy, close to
tears, but Percy didn't say a word in return. His ears and the back of his neck was flushed,
betraying how uncomfortable he was feeling from the whole situation, that he was forced to
be there and had no intention at all to visit his family on Christmas. Every single one of
Molly's kids were all wearing their new knitted Christmas sweaters, even Harry. Remus was
wearing his sweater underneath his robes. All except for Percy, showing to his mother his
clear feelings on the war, siding with the Ministry, turning his back on his family. Remus had
noticed the way Arthur held his wife close to his side, his eyes glaring sternly at his third son.
Remus couldn't imagine how hard this must be for the Weasleys.

While the Weasleys dealt with Percy, Remus couldn't tear his eyes away from the kitchen
window, watching the figures of Harry and Scrimgeour walking in the backyard together.
Remus had tried to use his werewolf super-hearing to listen in but to his displeasure and
worry, there was a Silencing Charm in place.

But in the end, Remus realized he had nothing to worry about, because Harry had come back
inside with red cheeks and a red-tipped nose from the biting chill outside, looking very proud
of himself.

Remus had dusted the snow out of his hair and off his shoulders for him, pulling Harry to the
side for an explanation on why Scrimgeour was leaving with a scowl on his face, refusing a
cup of tea or coffee from Molly. It was clear that whatever the Minister had come to the
Burrow for, he was certainly leaving without it.

Remus learned that Scrimgeour had come hoping to recruit Harry to be some sort of
spokesperson for the Ministry, to make it look as if they were actively doing something to
prevent the war from happening. Of course Harry denied Scrimgeour. And what Harry had
told Remus, the statement he said to the Minister, agreeing that he was indeed Dumbledore's
man through and through, it caused Remus to laugh. It was without a doubt now that Harry
had James' and Lily's bravery and wit. Remus had pulled his cub into a hug, stating he was
proud, causing Harry to finally smile.

After that, Harry seemed to be in a better mood. He returned with his friends to the living
room, sitting beside them and starting a new game of gobstones, then after that, exploding
snap.

More people started to arrive, members from the Order, friends and family from the
Weasleys.

Soon the party was in full swing.

Remus had spent his time talking to the Order members, letting Harry be with his friends, yet
kept a watchful eye on him. He was relieved to see Harry finally smiling and enjoying the
Weasley's party with his friends, but was still worried for him because when Remus looked
closer, the smile on Harry's face wasn't as bright, never reaching his eyes, which kept
glancing at the fireplace, windows or doors every twenty minutes or so. Harry was still
anticipating Severus' return and Remus couldn't blame him, really, especially when he kept
doing the same thing.

And Harry wouldn't eat. He accepted hot chocolate and biscuits from Molly but it sat on the
table untouched. Even when dinner was served to the teenagers first, Harry picked at his
plate, moving the food around as he talked to the people around him. Remus had caught
Molly's eye and she shook her head with a worried frown.
Later when the evening turned late, and everyone was well-fed and had moved onto drinking
and dessert, Remus spotted Molly giving Harry a motherly hug in the kitchen, talking quietly
to him. He was just going to get some more hot chocolate, Remus hadn't meant to intrude on
such a private moment. He didn't even try to listen in on their conversation, but he guessed
Molly must've been reassuring Harry that Severus was going to be okay. Then to Remus'
surprise, just as he was backing away, Molly handed Harry a bowl with just a bit of mash
potatoes who took it and finally began to eat. Remus had let out a sigh of relief. Harry was
going to be okay, thanks to Molly Weasley. Remus was so glad of her support. He had made a
note in his mind to thank her before the night ended.

Thinking of that moment of Harry and Molly hugging in the kitchen, it caused Remus to
remember how Harry had wrapped his arms around Severus tight. How pale Severus' face
had become from the pain coursing through his body, from the dark mark, the focal point of
that terrible pain. How Harry refused to let him go. And for a moment, Remus had wanted to
do the same. Hold Severus down, keep Severus there with him and Harry, safe. But in that
moment, despite the panic and fear that consumed him, Remus knew he had to be the adult
and pull Harry off of Severus.

The pain was so clear in Severus' voice, making Remus tremble as he replayed it in his head
over and over, or maybe it was just from the cold.

Perhaps he should go back inside, but he couldn't will himself to do it.

Remus wasn't ready yet. Severus' voice was still haunting him. And he looked up at the sky,
at the stars twinkling so far above him, and Remus silently prayed in his head to whatever
higher power in the heavens above that any second now, Severus would appear before him
safe and whole.

So very lost in his thoughts on the day that had passed, Remus hadn't heard the door opening
and shutting or the brief increased volume from inside the Burrow.

"It's bloody freezing out here, Remus. Is this where you've gone to hide from everyone?"

Remus sighed, recognizing that voice without having to turn around. Out of everyone in that
Burrow, he was so glad it was Tonks who sought him out. He really could use a friend right
now to talk to, even if things were sort of weird between them. "You found me, and I didn't
think anyone would notice me slipping away."

"Well, I've noticed, of course," Tonks huffed with a playful jilt in her voice, then it softened
to a more serious tone as she continued, "I just wanted to give you your space before coming
out here. You seemed a bit off in there."

"Was I that obvious?" Remus chuckled softly.

"No…" Tonks answered, not laughing in return. Her voice was still serious, soft, concerned
and hesitant, as if she wasn't sure her company was welcomed. "I just know you very well."

Remus turned his head to see Tonks standing behind him.

She was dressed in black jeans that were ripped at the knees with her favorite wizarding band
t-shirt of the Weird Sisters tucked in. She had on her dark-green winter coat and a Hufflepuff
scarf was wrapped around her neck. Her hair was a golden-blonde, styled so half of it was up
in a bun. The other half flowing down her back. Her eyes were a soft light-brown, and Remus
had the feeling that was her true eye color. They looked very much like Andromeda's eyes.

And when it was clear that Remus wasn't going to say anything else, Tonks asked, "Is it
alright if I sit out here with you? I'm afraid my stomach may pop out if Molly offers me one
more dessert." Her voice was still full of hesitation.

Remus scooched over, allowing her some room.

Tonks had shown up at the party just after everyone else had arrived. At the time, Remus was
in the middle of a very intense game of exploding snap with Harry, Ron, Ginny and the twins,
and he was glad of the excuse of not being able to go over and say hi to her. They still hadn't
spoken since their performance at Slughorn's Christmas party. And seeing Molly and Tonks
speaking together, disappearing to the kitchen so they wouldn't be bothered by anyone,
Remus wondered if Harry was indeed right about her crushing on him.

When Tonks had come back out with a wine glass in her hand and a napkin full of biscuits,
from across the room they had finally caught each other's eye. Remus could only give her a
shy smile, not sure if she was upset with him. Tonks gave him a hesitant and shy smile in
return and that was just about it. They didn't go looking for each other's company, and during
dinner they sat far apart.

"Nice Weasley sweater. Molly sucked you into her brood, didn't she?" Tonks teased,
indicating the sweater Remus was wearing underneath his shabby brown wizarding robes.

Remus only shrugged at her teasing words, turning his gaze down to his hands. A flash of the
way Severus had looked at him just that morning as Remus opened the first ever Christmas
present from Severus Snape. Sometimes it still shocked him that his once school enemy was
now his boyfriend. "It's warm, just like these gloves." Remus hoped his worry and fear of
Severus' long absence, consuming him inside, wasn't heard in his voice.

But perhaps it was heard, because Tonks shot him a concerned look, but only asked, "They
look brand new. Were those a Christmas gift?"

"They were from Severus," Remus said softly.

"Oh…" A pause. Tonks cleared her throat. "So it was… He's the one you fancy?"

Remus could only nod.

Then it was silent between them. A horrible and awkward silence that Remus couldn't stand.

"Tonks, look, I'm sorry…"

"I'm happy for you and Severus, I really am."

They both spoke at the exact same time, then stopped.

Remus huffed with amusement, his gaze finally meeting Tonks' own. Her brown eyes were
wide and dancing with amusement. And Remus realized just how much he'd missed talking
to her, missed being around her and the cute quirky energy she always brought to him.

"You can go first," Tonks said with a small smile.

"No, you can start," Remus insisted.

Tonks scowled, nudging his shoulder with her own. "Quit being such a gentleman!"

Remus laughed, "I can't help it, I'm a pisces!"

Tonks smiled at his laughter. Any drop of hesitation in her voice was now gone as she
replied, "I didn't know you believed in the zodiac signs."

Remus only shrugged in response.

"I'm a pisces too," Tonks said, her brown eyes catching Remus' own. Light-brown irises
dancing with shy amusement.

"Maybe that's why we fit so well together…" Remus said, then added softly, "...as friends."

And the amusement in Tonks' eyes went out. "Yeah…friends…" She moved her gaze away
from him, looking down.

"Tonks…" Remus sighed with guilt, running his hands over his face. The softness of the
gloves rubbing against his cheeks. Severus… His heart twinged just a bit, but he pulled
himself together. "I'm so sorry… I didn't mean to hurt you this way. I didn't mean to be so
oblivious to your feelings."

"It wasn't wholly your fault now… I just…" Tonks stopped, then took a deep breath, her
fingers fidgeting with the threads from the rips in her jeans. "It was stupid of me to think that
perhaps you meant me when you would talk about your crush. I shouldn't have assumed it,
then get pissed at you for finding out I was very much wrong…"

Watching her as she spoke, Remus said, "So, you really do fancy me, huh?"

Tonks blushed, and she changed her complexion to a darker color to hide it. Her hair turned
from blonde to turquoise. "How did you even find out?"

"It was Harry. He told me that Molly had the idea of you and me together, and that he'd
noticed how sad you seemed the last time he saw you here… Then I just thought back to all
the times we've spent together writing that song… And we haven't spoken since I left you to
find Severus… You thought that song was for you… And I just left you without an
explanation. Merlin, I'm surprised you're here giving me a chance to explain myself…"
Remus stammered, causing Tonks to blush even more, embarrassing her more than what she
must already be feeling.

Remus stopped, gathering his thoughts together. Tonks didn't say anything, only continued to
play with the threads of her ripped jeans. He watched for a while before nudging her softly,
trying to catch her eye.

"Tonks, you know I love you right? You're like my only friend these days… But it's not the
kind of love you wish it to be…"

Tonks finally lifted her chin up, her brown eyes now a deep blue as she met his gaze. Tears
glistened in her eyes, revealing the hurt she'd been hiding from him every time they'd hung
out, when Remus never showed any signs of having the same feelings she had for him.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered.

"It's okay, really, don't apologize," Tonks said with hurt and defeat laced in her voice. Her
gaze traveled back down to her fidgeting fingers, twirling the black threads between her
thumb and index fingers. "Like I've said, I shouldn't have assumed things…"

Then she looked back at Remus, wrapping her arms around herself.

"Remus, listen…" she sighed. "I know you're gay. You were in a long relationship with
Sirius… I know that, I didn't forget that, but a small part of me still couldn't help but hope
that perhaps you might still be interested in women, that maybe you'll want to be with me in
that way… And I just fell hard for you…despite all the warning bells in my head, the voices
telling me you don't fall in love with women, I just couldn't stop myself. And why couldn't it
be me? Was I wrong to assume all of that?" Tonks' voice cracked, her heartbreak clear in the
air between them. "Was there ever a chance for me?"

And to Remus, Tonks never looked so young to him than that very moment. For Merlin's
sake, she was practically still a child at twenty-three!

He turned his gaze away from her as she finished speaking, lost on the field of tall grass
swaying in the distance, trying to figure out what to say without hurting her even more,
because there was never a chance. Remus couldn't fall for her like he had with Sirius in the
past, with Severus in the present.

And sure he had thought Tonks was cute and quirky and fun… If Remus did like women he
would've been interested, but he wouldn't go for her. She was too young. He was old. Twelve
years apart was too far apart. She deserves someone better. They shouldn't even be friends,
but for some reason, Remus couldn't bear the thought of denying her friendship, and he knew
one day he would regret this very moment of not turning her away.

Perhaps when they first started hanging out, Remus should've been more clearer on that
instead of just assuming she would know. That they could only ever be friends no matter if he
was interested in men or women. He should've just told her from the beginning, then all of
this could've been avoided. But he'd never thought he needed to because Remus never saw
himself as desirable, as someone worth being crushed over by another. He never thought
Tonks would start having feelings for him.

What did she see in him anyway that was worth liking? That was attractive? Compared to
Tonks, Remus was just hitting his mid-thirties… Too old… Too much baggage… Too
dangerous… And he was gay… He was a werewolf with a past and scars all over his face and
body… Washed up… Greying hair… It was a wonder what Severus even saw in him as
well….

And the reminder of Severus' absence again shot Remus through the heart.

Why isn't he back yet?

"Remus, It would be nice for you to say something right about now," Tonks' voice shook.

"Tonks…" Remus said, finally pulling himself out of his morose thoughts. "I'm completely
gay… Believe me, back when I was in school, trying to figure myself out, I really did fight
with myself on it. It was bad enough already that I was a werewolf, but to also be gay… It
was just another thing that made me stick out, made me different from everyone else. And I
used to think being different was a bad thing until Sirius taught me how wrong I was… I
really did push him away for a while, trying to deny it. At first we both did, we both dated
girls, but they never seemed right until we realized why… And of course Sirius embraced it
once he was ready. He loved being different, sticking out, anything that would upset his
family of course… But for me, it took a while. I kept trying to figure out what I was missing,
why dating a girl like Marlene Mckinnon couldn't work for me… I couldn't fall in love with
her like the way I was falling for Sirius, even though I tried so hard to fall for her instead…"

The whole time he was speaking he kept his gaze straight ahead. Remus then turned his gaze
back to Tonks with a genuinely apologetic expression on his face.

"I'm sorry, I think I'm just bloody rambling now… Do you at least understand what I'm trying
to say?"

Tonks' breath fogged up the air as she shrugged. "So no chance at all then…"

"No chance…" Remus sighed. "I can't love women the way I do for men, and it's nothing to
do with you. I'm not rejecting you for who you are, it's just an attraction really…"

"Remus…" Tonks groaned.

"It's not you, Tonks, it's me…"

"Oh… Merlin, not the cheesy cliches now! Remus, I understand what being queer means.
You can stop."

But Remus kept going, he had to finish what was on his mind, in his heart, no matter that he
was using bad break-up cliches and he was just rambling. She had to hear this. That he wasn't
hurting her on purpose.

"I really can't love you like that even if I wanted to,and I'm so sorry for that, but there is one
thing I can do, and that is to love you as my dear friend."

Tonks' eyes warmed at Remus' last words. It was silent between them as they stared at each
other. Then Tonks hid her face in her hands.
"Merlin…" She groaned. "This is so bloody embarrassing! I never meant for you to find out
about my feelings, Remus! I never meant for them to get between us like this."

"It's okay, you're entitled to your feelings," Remus said gently, pulling Tonks' hands away
from her face, revealing her blushing cheeks and her watery blue eyes. "And I'm sorry for
just leaving you like that after our performance," Remus continued. "It looked like I just used
you for your help and just left you… It was just that Severus had gone and… I should've just
been clearer from the start… I'm so bloody sorry."

Tonks didn't say anything in return.

Remus just waited patiently, admiring the stars up above and the mist from their breaths.

The garden gnomes occasionally causing them both to laugh at the curse words Fred and
George must've taught them. The gnome's comical antics kept the mood between Remus and
Tonks light.

And Remus knew, hearing Tonks laugh at them every now and then, that they were going to
be okay….

Then Tonks finally took a deep breath and reached out, taking Remus' gloved hand into her
own.

"We should have both been clearer, Remus. This isn't all on you." She squeezed his hand.
"No more apologizing, okay?"

"Okay," Remus only said.

"The song was for Severus Snape… The whole time I thought it was a girl you were crushing
on, thinking it might've been me…because what other girl would it be?"

Remus shot her an offended look.

"Sorry!" She laughed then grew serious. "Why didn't you correct me when I used the wrong
pronouns? You could've just told me your crush was a him, then I would've had some
warning to prevent myself from looking like an idiot after you ran off."

Remus sighed. "I know… I know… And I was a right bastard for not writing to you after…
Can I apologize again?"

"No," Tonks said "Do you love him?"

This time it was Remus who squeezed her hand. "Yes, I do."

At the same time a garden gnome shouted out a string of curse words.

Remus grinned, it reminded him of Severus' dirty mouth.

Tonks snorted out a small laugh, then said, "Then how could I be mad at you? I'm just glad
you've found someone to make you happy. That I didn't get turned down for some random
person, and that Snape really does mean something to you."

Her words warmed Remus inside.

He didn't deserve her as a friend.

Tonks who never seemed to see the broken and monstrous parts in him or cared about his
baggage. Who always seemed to be genuinely happy to be around him.

She made him feel human. That's why he loved being around her, Remus realized, it wasn't
just because of her bubbly personality. She'd never once cringed away at the slightest hint of
him being a werewolf. She saw past that. She saw him.

And the familiar panic settled into him.

Remus couldn't deserve a friend like her. He was a dark creature, a fucking werewolf! He
should push her away!

His father's voice rang in his ears.

Don't let others get close to you! Don't let them see who you truly are!

And Remus thought about pushing her away, but he couldn't imagine his life without Tonks
as his best friend in it. They really just clicked into each other's lives, as if this was a sound
decision from the universe itself.

As if the universe was somehow making up for the loss of his first and most dearest friends to
Remus… The loss of his mother… The loss of Sirius Black… Remus' first love and a dear
cousin of Tonks… The one who brought them together.

No matter how much Remus had previously thought that they shouldn't be friends due to
their age difference, due to his baggage, due to him not feeling human enough to allow
himself to get close to others; what his father taught him. That it would be better for Tonks if
he pushed her away, safer, perhaps… Remus realized he couldn't do that.

And there he goes again…breaking his father's rule: Don't let others get close to you!

Remus had broken it quite a few times already, over and over. His father must be rolling in
his grave, but for once, the guilt Remus usually felt over it didn't touch him this time. Let his
father be fucking angry, let him roll in his grave, let his spirit haunt him with vengeance for
disobeying!

Remus didn't care anymore.

It was an impossible and stupid rule. Lyall Lupin had no right to lay those expectations on
Remus at a young age, to instill that lesson of him not being worthy enough to have friends
and a family who would accept him for what he was. Lyall Lupin had no fucking right to
isolate his werewolf son like that, and Remus was finally seeing that.

Even if Remus did end up regretting this friendship, allowing it to happen… Then so be it.
And what if… Maybe… He'll never regret allowing Tonks' friendship to happen.

He'd never regretted letting the Marauders befriending him or Lily. Never regretted
befriending Johnathan Porter or creating a family out of Harry and Severus.

He'll never in his lifetime regret Severus and Harry.

He needed them and they needed him.

And the same went for Tonks.

They needed each other to be each other's best friend.

Remus calmed his whirling thoughts. The cursing of the garden gnomes still broke the silent
air. The breeze rustled the tall grass and weeds in the field around them. Tonks' hadn't said
anything in a while, content to watch the view around them.

Remus realized she was waiting for an answer, probably not wanting to push him.

He just knew one thing about all of this… That if there was ever a moment when he and
Tonks couldn't be friends, it would be a mutual decision from both of them. It would never be
one sided. Remus was never going to push her away like that without at least talking it out.
He was never going to do what his father expected him to do any longer…with anyone….

And if Tonks wanted an out from this friendship, then he would give it to her, if being around
him was too hard, if her feelings were still in the way… Remus was okay with whatever she
decided to choose. Best friends or they go their separate ways.

"That really means a lot… And I understand if you don't want to be friends with me anymore.
I understand if it's going to be too hard for you to be around me, especially when Severus is
around, that you may need some space. Plus, you know I'm a werewolf, Tonks. You don't
want to get mixed up in that." Remus felt a giant hole in his heart as he said that, afraid to
hear her response, afraid of the possibility of them no longer being friends.

"No," Tonks frowned, and Remus let out a breath of relief. "I could never stop being your
friend, but I may take up the offer of space… Just for a little while. To let myself grieve over
the death of our romantic relationship I've created in my head."

Remus tried not to smile at that. He was feeling giddy at Tonks' answer. Despite everything,
she still wanted to be around him, to be his friend. "Sounds morbid," he only said, the corners
of his lips twitching.

Tonks glanced at him, noting the fight he was having with himself of trying not to smile. She
covered her face in her hands once again with embarrassment. "Merlin, why did I say that?
What the fuck is wrong with me, Remus?"

"I have a list…" Remus said, still trying not to smile but was failing.

Tonks peeked at him through her fingers then laughed when she saw Remus smiling at her.
"Ugh, bullocks! Come here, you!" she said with defeat, wrapping an arm around Remus'
shoulder and pulling him close.

Remus hugged her back tightly, feeling like something inside him had clicked back into
place, like a part of him was finally whole again. He didn't realize how much he missed their
easy friendship until that moment. Not talking to Tonks, thinking of the possibility of pushing
her away, that was impossible. Remus was completely sure of that without any doubts. This
friendship was meant to happen, and no twisted rule of his father's was ever going to stop it.

"Hey, how about some wine to celebrate? I did miss drinking with you. A tipsy Remus is
always fun to have around," Tonks said once they pulled apart from their hug.

Remus laughed at that. "What are we celebrating?"

"On both of us becoming best friends, of course! Let's pop open the last wine bottle, shall
we?" Tonks grinned, pulling out a bottle of red wine from inside her coat.

"How the fuck did you hide that?" Remus laughed, thoroughly impressed by her stealth.

"I have my ways," Tonks slyly said, her eyes suddenly turning back to the soft-brown color
she had before. Her hair was still the bright-turquoise she had changed during their talk.

Then Remus stopped laughing, his face suddenly warmed. "Tonks, I would love to, but… I'm
trying to lay off drinking for a while."

"Oh…" Tonks gave him a quizzical look. And maybe she read something in his face because
she didn't push him anymore on that subject, which Remus deeply appreciated. "That's okay,
Remus. Do you want to have a cup of hot chocolate before I go?"

Remus smiled. "I could use a fourth cup."

"My gods, Remus!" Tonks laughed. "Maybe you should lay off the sweets as well."

"Hey, one vice at a time."

And so they did just that, sipping delicious hot chocolate that was almost as good as his
mom's recipe in Remus' opinion, while catching up on everything they'd missed since the last
time they'd seen each other.

"So you've been staying at your parent's cabin with Severus and Harry?"

"Yes, but please keep that information to yourself. No one knows about the cabin, except for
the Weasleys and Dumbledore. I want it to be a safe place for Harry once we're in the thick of
the war."

"Do you think that may happen at any time soon? It still seems far away."

"Yes, of course I do. Right now it does seem like we still have time but it's closer than we
realize… It's best that we are prepared and ready for anything Voldemort may throw at us."
Tonks shuddered at him using the dark wizard's name. Remus shrugged, taking a sip of his
hot chocolate then adding, "And Tonks, if you need a safe place, I want you to use the cabin
too."

"Remus, I couldn't…"

"Tonks, you're my best friend. I want you to be safe."

Tonks seemed to be at a loss for words. She only nodded, her eyes glistening.

"Are you going to cry?" Remus asked as she turned away from him.

"No, shut-up," she sniffed.

"Tonks…" Remus chuckled.

"You know… I'm okay with you calling me by my first name. Only my parents are allowed
to." She wiped her eyes then took a sip of her drink.

"Nymphadora," Remus said, testing the name out. He loved the way it sounded. "I'm
honored."

Tonks blushed, finishing up her hot chocolate then wiping her mouth with her sleeve. "So
what were you doing sitting out here all by yourself? You seemed really down. Do you want
to talk about it?"

But before Remus could answer, the door behind them opened, and out stepped Molly and
Arthur. Tonks and Remus stood up, the unanswered question momentarily forgotten.

Remus flicked his hand at their empty mugs, banishing them to the kitchen sink.

"We were wondering where you two disappeared, everyone's just left except for the kids,"
Molly said, referring to her oldest sons and the twins.

"Apologies, Molly, Arthur. I didn't realize how long we stayed out here," Remus said with
surprise. "Is Harry looking for me?"

"He wondered where you were, but he was content enough with Ron and Ginny to not
worry," Arthur answered.

"I should go to him," Remus said.

"And I think I should call it a night," Tonks said. "Thanks for your hospitality, Molly,
Arthur." Tonks gave Molly a hug and Arthur a brief handshake. "You two threw a nice party."

"Oh, are you sure, dear? You know we love having you here. You can stay the night if you
want. It's getting pretty late now. Remus, you too. Harry would probably love to sleepover
with Ron and Ginny."

"Don't worry about me, Molly. I can take care of myself alright. Plus, I have a cat at home to
feed," Tonks said.
"You have a cat?" Remus grinned.

Tonks shrugged, "The little bugger…" she said with affection and annoyance. "His name is
Oliver."

"What about you, Remus?" Molly said as Remus laughed. "It might be good for Harry to be
with friends tonight."

Remus thought about Molly's offer. She was right, it would perhaps be better for Harry to be
around his friends rather than return to the empty cabin where the absence of Severus would
be harder to ignore. And he wondered if this was also Molly's way of pushing him and Tonks
together.

She must think that he and Severus were just co-parenting, nothing more than friends.

Maybe it was time to tell Molly and Arthur the true nature of his and Severus' relationship,
but before he could ponder anymore on that idea, the natural sounds of the chirping crickets
and the croaking frogs from the marshes suddenly went silent. The gentle wind flowing
through the tall grass suddenly stilled, and Remus felt the wolf inside him raise its hackles,
letting out a growl full of unease and warning so powerful, Remus was just able to push it
down before it rumbled in his throat.

Remus suddenly forgot about his answer to the Weasley matron.

The fine hair on his arms, the hair at the back of his neck began to prickle. His gut was
suddenly telling him that they were not alone.

Remus stepped away from the group, to the edge of the stoop, surveying the marshes and
field in the distance, alert for any sign or sound of movement. Any passing shadows or
sounds of rustling foliage.

"Remus?" Tonks called to him, her voice hesitant with a bit of growing fear.

She must've noticed the way he suddenly stilled, the way his attention drifted away from
them. The Weasleys grew quiet as well, looking around to see what had caught Remus'
attention.

Remus gripped his wand so tightly, pulling it out of his robes and holding it close to his side,
ready to defend.

Tonks stepped closer to him, placing her hand gently in the crook of his elbow, trying to get
his attention. "Sweetie, what is it?"

Remus didn't answer her.

Something was watching them in the field…waiting to attack.

"I don't see anything," Arthur said, pointing the light that was glowing from the tip of his
wand ahead, illuminating the field.
"The wards would have alerted us if anything breached them, wouldn't they?" Molly asked
with uncertainty.

"Unless they went down?" Tonks gasped, squeezing Remus' elbow. "It wouldn't be the first
time they were breached, right? Remember Harry's attack in the orchard?"

And something suddenly gleamed. A stalk of grass trembled.

"Stop there!" Remus abruptly commanded.

Arthur did just that, pointing his wand straight ahead. With Tonks following him, still
grasping him, she and Remus slowly went down the steps. His eyes focused on the patch of
foliage the light was shining on, creating dancing shadows in the darkness… Then he saw
them… Gleaming red eyes and sharp yellow fangs.

Horror went through Remus, causing him to almost drop his wand. As soon as that familiar
scent from his nightmares reached his senses, a figure suddenly appeared in the yard in front
of him and Tonks with a loud pop.

For a moment they were all stunned with shock at her sudden appearance. She took the
chance to raise her wand and create a ring of fire around the Burrow.

And standing there, in the glow of the flickering flames, there was no mistaking her heavy-
lidded eyes framed by long eyelashes. Her wild jet-black hair piled on top of her head. That
maniacal laugh coming from her mouth.

Bellatrix Lestrange!

"Well, well, well, it's nice to see you, niece, say hello to my muggle-loving sister for me!"
Her black eyes that were fixated on Tonks, then switched to Remus and the way Tonks was
holding on to him tightly by the elbow. Her eyes widen, her smile madder than ever. "Oooh,
is he your boyfriend?" Her voice quickly went from crazy and high-pitched to a disgusted
shout, "How dare you spoil our family line even more! A werewolf?!" Bellatrix let out a
dramatic shudder at the thought.

The last time Remus had seen Bellatrix was when she had casted that curse that led Sirius to
his death. It took everything in Remus, everything to shove away the memory of himself
holding a struggling and crying Harry back as Sirius faded away into the veil. There wasn't
even a body to bury besides James and Lily, all because of this wretched woman.

And Remus was so relieved at the fact that he had succeeded in staying sober tonight, that he
hadn't a drop of alcohol. That he was level-headed and controlled because if he wasn't….

Howling deep inside made his muscles tense up. Made his very soul tremble.

The sound of Bellatrix's blood flowing in her veins, the pulsating beat in her neck.

Remus imagined what it would be like to sink his fangs into that pale neck, to feel her life,
her soul, shutter and die out. To avenge the death of his mate.
Suddenly Remus felt the fullness of longer, sharper fangs in his mouth. And knew those
thoughts were no longer just his own. It was the wolf, and he knew the spirit of the monster
that lived in his soul was showing on his face.

Remus allowed it this time, to let the wolf show, controlling it so it was kept just below the
surface of his subconscious. He wanted to scare the crazy bitch who killed Sirius. He wanted
to scare the shit out of her, the very life out of her. And this was just the way to do it if she
thought werewolves were the worst thing that could happen to her family bloodline.

Never let the wolf show! Be in control! Remus ignored the lecture in his head, the guilt his
father's voice always caused him.

He bared his fangs at her, a low growl rumbling in his throat. Tonks squeezed his elbow
tighter. And Remus succeeded in what he was trying to do.

Fear shone in Bellatrix's black eyes, but it was short-lived because then she looked at
something over Remus' shoulder and the fear went away. Sneering, her eyes widened with
glee before she turned around and ran through a small gap in the flames and towards the field
and the marshes beyond.

Before Remus could react to that, he felt himself being pushed aside.

"Harry!" Molly and Arthur shouted.

Remus quickly regained his balance and a jolt of fear went through him as he saw Harry
jumping through a small gap in the flames, and running after Bellatrix. He didn't like how
happy Bellatrix looked when she saw Harry coming after her. This must've been planned to
possibly take his cub or attack him!

"Harry, nooo!" Remus shouted with panic and heart-stopping, mind-numbing fear, because in
that instant, Remus also remembered the red eyes and the yellow fangs among the dancing
shadows between the tall grass and weeds. The terrible scent that reached his nostrils before
Bellatrix appeared in front of them….

Tonks had run after Harry but was stopped by the sudden blaze of the flames.

Remus ran to the flames, battling them besides Tonks, trying to get through. The heat singed
their clothes and skin.

Then suddenly Ginny appeared out of nowhere and jumped the flames that lowered for one
quick second. She ran after Harry, dressed in her pink bathrobe and her long, red hair flying
behind her.

"Ginny!" Molly shouted frantically with fear for her only daughter.

Arthur tried running after her but was stopped by another surge of the blazing flames.

"Wait! Wait!" Tonks shouted as Remus and Arthur tried getting through with hurried
desperation. "I think it's timed! Wait till it lowers again and we all jump at the same time!"
Remus wasn't sure if she was right. But they had no other choice. They couldn't get through
the flames when they were that high and wild. They waited for the next opening with their
hearts beating with hopeful anticipation, with terror and impatience.

They were losing time catching up to the kids before…

"Greyback is in that field!" Remus finally choked out with frustration.

Arthur's face went white as a sheet as he realized what that meant for Harry and his daughter.
He looked back at Molly who was gathering the rest of her kids outside of the Burrow.

"How do you know that?" Tonks gasped.

"I saw him in the field, just before Bellatrix appeared."

"He was watching us? For how long?" her eyes widened with fear. "Remus, we were talking
about the cabin and Snape..."

Remus shuddered at the thought and they didn't get to say anymore because the flames finally
lowered and without any hesitation from any of them, they jumped.

Landing on the other side, Remus didn't waste another second. He took off through the tall
grass and weeds, the stalks whipping him in the face. Tonks' heavy breathing was all he could
hear as she ran besides him, along with his own fast-beating heart. Arthur followed a foot
behind them.

After a stretch of time with them running and still no sight of Harry and Ginny, Remus
shouted out with desperation, "Harry! Where are you?!"

He wasn't even sure if they were heading in the right direction anymore. The only thing that
kept Remus going, kept them all going, was the fact that Greyback was in this field,
unseen….

With each step ahead, with each thick blade of grass and weed slapping his face with razor-
sharp leaves, panic and dread began to make Remus' head spin. Black spots were clouding
his sight. Pressure forming in his lungs was causing them to scream for air.

But Remus pushed himself forward, even though he was losing control of his senses.

Every sound was too loud, covering up the important ones that could lead Remus, Tonks and
Arthur to the missing teens.

Every scent was lost in the musty smells of the marshes, covering up any possible scent trails.

Remus was losing Harry, making him want to throw up from the intense fear and panic at the
thought. Severus had trusted him with Harry… Severus trusted him… And for all Remus
knew, was that Harry could be at the mercy of Greyback and Bellatrix. If they dared to touch
Harry, dared to touch Ginny… No, Remus couldn't let that happen, couldn't fail them and
Severus' trust like how he did with Johanathan Porter and his daughter, how Remus failed
Sirius.
That wasn't going to happen again. Remus wasn't going to let Greyback and Bellatrix hurt the
people he loved anymore.

And realizing that, Remus knew he had to stop running. He had to stop letting his fear take
over his common sense and calm himself down, before he lost himself to panic.

He had to take a breath, close his eyes and reconnect to the wolf. He needed to fully tap into
its powerful senses so he could track Harry and Ginny down, but he was afraid to stop
running, to waste a single moment in trying to catch up to them… Remus squashed it down,
he had to, there was no other choice, no other way. He couldn't find the missing teens blindly
like this.

Remus finally skidded to a halt. He threw an arm to block Tonks from running any further.

"What's wrong?" she gasped out, sounding as if her heart was going to beat out of her chest.

Panting for air and her brown eyes wide, Tonks looked ahead, the light of her wand causing
more shadows in between the stalks of grass and weeds.

Remus couldn't answer her. He closed his eyes, focusing on slowing down his heavy
breathing. He had to be quick. He just needed a moment, even though it killed him… He
reminded himself that running blindly wasn't going to help them find Harry and Ginny.

He caught the sounds of Arthur catching up, his own heavy breathing mingled with Remus'
and Tonks' own.

"Why did you stop?" Arthur gasped out in surprise.

"Remus?" Tonks whispered his name.

"Just give me a moment." His eyes still closed, his breathing finally slowed down.

Remus took another deep breath, inhaling the cold air and tasting all of the scents around
him, blocking out every useless noise and thought, any distraction, then exhaled, letting a
deep breath out. Allowing the wolf to reach just above the edge of his subconsciousness. It
howled and growled for freedom. Remus hated doing this, allowing the wolf to be so close to
his humanity, closer than it ever was allowed when it wasn't a full-moon.

But there was no other way.

Remus allowed the wolf to take over his senses.

His hearing became the wolf's hearing.

The wolf began to catch the sounds of rustling from two young humans running in the
marshes, their footsteps splashing in the murky water.

And it was the wolf who scented the air with Remus' nose.
It could scent the smells of many strangers around. The scent of its cub and a young female
human. Their fear was heavy in the air, the wolf growled to defend. If it followed the scent
trail, it would lead the wolf straight to them, straight to enemies and kill them. To protect its
pack. And there was another scent. One that made the wolf quiver. That made its fur stand on
end. The wolf-scent of its enemy was not far from its cub and human girl, along with another
wolf who bore a scent the wolf couldn't recognize. Another enemy. It caused the wolf to
growl with unease, then letting out a howl as it pinpointed the exact location to where its cub
was.

Remus suppressed the howl just in time from escaping his throat. He pushed the wolf back,
maintaining control. Fighting for dominance over the wolf until it whimpered with its tail
between its legs and its ears flat against his head.

And Remus finally opened his golden eyes. He knew where to go.

"This way!" Remus shouted, his voice sounding more like a growl. He turned a straight left,
following the scent trail as fast as he could. Purposely not giving Tonks and Arthur any time
to react to what they'd just witnessed. All they could do was just follow Remus.

They didn't run for very long, until they finally saw the light of firing spells illuminating the
darkness. The sounds of it echoing in the air all around them. Without a word to each other,
Remus and Tonks picked up their paces, Arthur falling just a bit behind, until they pushed
through the last bundle of the heavy grass and weeds.

They found themselves in a small clearing. Harry and Ginny were standing knee-deep in the
muddy water, firing spells into the foliage surrounding them.

The sudden appearance of Remus and Tonks caused more spells to fire from their unseen
enemies, forcing Remus and Tonks to drop to the floor. Harry just managed to block them
from getting hit with a quick shield, the stalks around Tonks and Remus smoking from the
spells that got past the shield and luckily missed them.

Harry's shield bought them time, a quick second to get to the kids and guard them from
behind.

It was as Remus had feared, Bellatrix led Harry and Ginny into an ambush.

None of them spoke to each other as they battled it out. Blocking and firing back. Tonks
stood behind Ginny and Remus behind Harry. At one point the speed and power of the spells
being fired at them became increasingly intense. Arthur had finally caught up and was able to
throw himself in front of Ginny without getting hurt, joining in on the fray.

Then the firing spells stopped. Remus reached behind himself and found Harry's wrist,
squeezing it tight, silently warning him to not do anything brash, to follow Remus' and Tonks'
lead.

The silence was terrifying. Not even a croak from a single frog or a chirp from a cricket was
heard. They kept their wands raised, all ready for another round of spells. The lights shining
from the tips of their wands caused dancing shadows. Remus could feel the Death Eaters
watching. He wondered which pair of eyes were Greyback's. Which pair of eyes belonged to
that unknown werewolf his wolf spirit had scented when Remus, Tonks and Arthur were lost
in the field.

A loud growl vibrated around the clearing. Remus could feel Tonks trembling beside him.
Could hear Ginny gasping in fear, Arthur whispering to his daughter to stay calm, to be ready
to defend. He didn't hear anything from Harry, only felt him tensed up behind him from the
growl ringing around the clearing. Remus held on tighter to his cub's wrist. No matter what
happens next, Remus wasn't letting Harry out of his sight again.

Remus' eyes searched the shadowy depths of the thick foliage surrounding them. Looking for
those red eyes, looking for the source of that terrifying growl that made the hair on the back
of his neck prickle. That caused the wolf spirit inside him to fight Remus for dominance. It
wanted to attack and kill the enemy that had hurt it. That had threatened its pack. It was so
agitated that it managed to bypass a small growl from Remus' control. It rumbled in his throat
and for once Remus didn't mind the slip. It reminded him that he had beat Greyback once
before in a fight, he could do it again.

At the sound of the small growl vibrating from Remus, Tonks quickly glanced at him with
surprise then straight ahead again.

Just in front of her, the stalks rustled and Fenrir Greyback suddenly stepped out of hiding. His
red eyes were gleaming as they found Remus, his yellow fangs bared into a twisted smile.

And Remus' stomach dropped, but he didn't dare show his fear, he didn't dare give Greyback
the satisfaction.

He silently forced the small group to shift a bit, that way Tonks was shielded by Remus from
Greyback.

"Ah, Remus Lupin… It's nice to see you again, my dear son."

That voice made Remus tremble. His heart stopped beating. He suddenly felt cold.
Goosebumps formed on his arms underneath the sleeves of his Weasley sweater. And it was
as if he were in that cellar again. When the night and early dawn met, and the cellar was at its
coldest temperature. And the only thing that kept Remus grounded, kept himself from
revealing the way Greyback affected him, was his grip on Harry's wrist and the comforting
warmth of Tonks beside him. They took away the cold, they took away the threat of his fear
spilling over. His son and best friend, they gave him strength to hold himself together in front
of his enemy.

"You're supposed to be in Azkaban," Remus growled.

"Did you really think that crumbling prison could hold me down?" Greyback snarled,
showing off his yellow fangs. His eyes fixated on Remus. "Come on, son. No hard feelings
now. We'll leave your precious humans alone tonight if you reconsider becoming a part of my
pack. I'm still waiting for you to become my beta."

Remus snarled his fangs at him.

"Think of what you can do, Remus." Greyback stepped closer.

Remus aimed his wand straight at his enemy's heart.

Greyback kept speaking, taking another step closer. "Don't let yourself be nothing but a
trained dog," he growled.

"Enough of that!" Tonks spat. She shot a curse, but Greyback was ready. He blocked it with
ease, laughing with his head thrown back.

Tonks glared at the shield. She kept her wand raised. "Can't you take no for an answer? Why
are you so fucking obsessed with him?"

Her question stopped Greyback from laughing. He fixed his red eyes on her.

"Tonks!" Remus breathed. He didn't want Greyback to notice her there, to realize how much
she meant to Remus. He didn't want his best friend to be targeted.

"And who are you, witch?" Greyback snarled, inhaling the air around them, breathing them
in.

"Ahh, is that your mate?" he asked Remus with a sly grin, his voice dripping with disgust.
"You can do much better than that, son. I have way more suitable bitches for you in my pack,
unless you prefer something else."

Remus glared at him, not saying a word, not rising to the bait.

"Word on the street is that you love taking it up the ass. Now, I can arrange that for you, if
that's what you're into."

Remus bared his fangs. "Fuck you," he only growled.

"Ahh, come on, son, be nice to your old man now. I have something for you, a promise to
what's waiting for you once you've come to your senses."

Tonks and Remus kept their wands pointed at Greyback's shield.

"Rowan!" Greyback suddenly called out.

Just behind Greyback, the stalks moved aside to reveal a rather large man who was well-
muscled with long russet-colored hair that just went past his broad shoulders, and had a
matching-colored beard. His eyes were golden and were tinted with red, betraying the fact
that he had killed and turned humans into werewolves. Remus could see the beginning of a
large and jagged pink scar starting from his neck, trailing his collarbone and disappearing
down his shirt. The bite mark that must've turned him, Remus figured.

The russet werewolf bared his fangs in greeting, surveying the group before him. Then his
golden-red eyes locked onto Remus. His smile became wider, malicious, excited, as he then
slowly looked Remus up and down, his eyes lingering too long on Remus' midsection.
Rowan then moved his gaze back to Remus' face, his lips curling. Remus had to suppress a
disgusted shudder.

The russet werewolf stepped closer to Remus until he was just a breath away. "Such pretty
golden eyes you have, Remus Lupin, not a trace of the color of prey's blood in them… How
interesting…" Rowan inhaled Remus' scent, his pupils dilating with pleasure.

Remus didn't move. Didn't say a word. His wolf-spirit was full-on growling and snarling at
its enemy. The only thing that gave off Remus' anger was the flare of his nostrils, the glare of
his eyes and the tight frown of his lips. He could still feel himself grasping tightly onto Harry.

Rowan slowly raised a callused and scarred hand with thick long yellow fingernails and
brushed the back of his knuckles against Remus' cheek, a sharp nail cutting into his skin.

Remus stiffened at the sudden sting.

The hand then cupped his chin hard. The fingers pressing into his jaw hard enough to leave
bruises, hard enough to feel those dirty nails cutting into him.

"You know with my help, they can change… You'll be more desirable…"

And trapped under Rowan's acquisitive stare, Remus had a feeling this was the werewolf's
subtle way of showing Remus his dominating strength he would have over him, if Remus
should ever decide to join Greyback's pack. To be wild and murderous like them. To let his
golden eyes become tinted with red.

As soon as Tonks saw the blood well up from Remus' scratches, she shifted to aim her wand
at Rowan, but Remus stopped her. Letting go of Harry and grabbing the crook of her elbow,
squeezing her to not react, to keep her wand on Greyback. Remus could feel Harry behind
him turning around to see what was happening.

The russet werewolf didn't seem to have noticed the silent exchange between Remus and
Tonks.

"Ah, you weren't wrong about Remus Lupin's good looks, Fenrir, despite his puny size…"

Rowan swiped a calloused thumb over Remus' closed lips. Those dirty nails scraping,
golden-red eyes considering Remus.

"But then, you may be nice and tight…" Rowan crooned to him as he leaned forward, close
enough to whisper against Remus' ear. His foul breath smelled of rotten flesh and blood. "Just
what I prefer…" he whispered with a sadistic promise in his voice.

Then Rowan grabbed Remus' upper arm with his free hand, holding him still that Remus
couldn't move, leaving him no choice but to let it happen. Rowan lowered and tilted his face
at an angle, jaws wide, and Remus felt sharp fangs close tightly around his neck. Remus
stiffened from the pain, his muscles tensed as he felt Rowan's fangs pierced into his flesh,
dragging him down a bit, causing Remus to shift his feet to keep himself from falling. He
could feel his own blood begin to stream down to his shoulder.
This act of Rowan’s was meant to mark Remus as his mate. An animalistic tradition that
could be found in some of the older werewolf colonies. Remus had read about it of course,
seen the bite marks on the necks of his own kind as he did his spywork for Dumbledore.
However, Remus never dared to try it himself. This binding of mates could be done by force
or by consent. Remus never dared mention it to Sirius and never had any intention of telling
Severus about it either.

A bite-mark to the neck, werewolf to werewolf, it binded them. The mark would be there
forever until Rowan’s life ended or Remus left a similar mark on another werewolf, rejecting
Rowan. And Remus wasn't worried about it, he wouldn't feel its full power until he sunk his
own fangs into Rowan’s neck as well, of which Remus had no intention of ever doing.

Tonks flinched at the sight and Remus held her arm down tight enough that it must've hurt
her because she didn't retaliate. Remus couldn't have her draw her wand on Rowan and attack
just yet and risk him lashing out at her. He needed her to hold Greyback down, just in case he
took Remus' moment of weakness as a chance to get to Harry or anyone else.

Rowan gripped Remus' jaw and arm even tighter as he continued biting down, blood
streaming down his arm and dripping to the muddy ground. Remus didn't dare show how
humiliated and downgraded he was feeling inside. Of Rowan touching him, speaking to him,
claiming him in such a way…in front of everyone. Remus only kept his angry glare on
Greyback who evilly grinned back at him with a wide smile. Remus dared not show any of
those emotions swirling inside, except for his anger, showing Greyback he would one day
pay for this. That this wasn't going to break him.

"Get the fuck off him!" Harry shouted from behind Remus.

Rowan pressed his fangs into Remus a bit harder, feeling the magic of the bond coursing
through Remus' blood. Then Rowan let go and whipped his attention to Harry, glaring at him
for the interruption. His grip on Remus' jaw loosened just a bit.

"Don't turn your back, stay where you are!" Arthur scolded, careful to not say Harry's name,
knowing the seriousness of the situation.

Remus found his chance at Rowan's distraction. He tore his face away from the werewolf and
had his wand pressed against Rowan's neck in less than half a second.

Rowan turned back to him, snarling his fangs. "Who said you could move?"

"You think that's going to work?!" Remus spat at Greyback without taking his glare off of
Rowan. "Are you fucking shitting me right now?! A fucking mating bond?! Remember that I
bested you in a fight, Greyback. I can do it again!"

Tonks gasped and Remus inwardly cringed at what he'd revealed. He hadn't meant to, but he
was so angry at Greyback that the name of the bond just slipped out.

Remus then growled. The rumble coming out loud in his throat. "Get back!" he said to
Rowan. "Get back or I'm blasting a hole in your fucking neck!"
Rowan only smiled, but complied, going back to Greyback's side and behind the shield. "He's
not only pretty, but feisty. I see now why you're so keen about this one," he sneered at
Greyback.

Greyback chuckled, then said, "You know what, I think I'll go easy on you and your doggy
owners tonight, Lupin, let you think about my offer… And Rowan's as well, of course."

The werewolf indicated with a nod of his chin to Rowan, who gave Remus a predatory smile,
showing off his fangs that were dripping with Remus' blood. Remus bared his fangs back,
keeping his wand straight at Rowan.

"He's quite a catch, don't you think? Every bitch in my pack would murder you in your sleep
if it meant that they could have that beautiful scar on their neck instead of you," Greyback
continued, then chuckled again, "You know where to find me, son."

Greyback held up a small knife. It was lit up, blue and glowing. Rowan put his hand on it and
they were gone.

Then a few pops surrounding them from the field were heard. The Death Eaters that were
hiding.

Remus, Tonks, Arthur, Harry and Ginny were all finally left alone with the tips of their
wands still illuminating the darkness of the field and marshes, gasping for breath. But before
any of them could say anything about what just happened, a crash rang out from the distance
followed by an orange blaze of light and screaming. Black smoke rose up into the sky above
and Remus could hear the sounds of a burning building crumbling down.

"Molly!" Arthur shouted, and he took off towards the Burrow before any of them had a
moment to react.

They all ran after him, not saying a word to each other. Shock was settling deep into each of
them. And once they'd finally made it out of the field and back to the Weasley's yard, they
were met with a devastating and horrifying sight.

The Burrow was engulfed in flames.

Remus quickly scanned the yard, and was relieved to see that Molly and all of her kids, plus
Fleur, were all accounted for. That was one thing to be grateful for after all this, that no lives
were lost. No one was seriously hurt… Remus couldn't help but think. This night could've
ended up so much worse.

But even though Remus was trying to see the bright side of this devastating night, it was
hard. The Burrow was a staple, a place to feel at home with always good food or just a cup of
tea and a warm place to rest, sympathy and comfort usually offered by the Weasleys after a
long shift for the Order members. It was the first real family home Harry had ever
experienced. Remus could see the anger and devastation on Harry's face as he watched the
Burrow burn to the ground. That same look was mirrored on most of the Weasleys, and it tore
at Remus' heart.
He wondered if this was why Severus was called away, why it was taking so long for him to
return. Was it because they were planning this attack the whole day? Was Severus one of
those Death Eaters that had remained hidden in the field as they ambushed Harry and Ginny.
Did he watch Rowan put his hands on Remus? Did he watch him sink his fangs into Remus'
neck, claiming him as Rowan's to mate with? Would Severus know what it was? What it
meant? Did Severus watch Remus just stand there and let it happen? Remus inwardly
shuttered at those thoughts and refused to think anymore of it.

Arthur hugged Molly tightly. Turning away to give them their privacy, Remus and Tonks
joined Charlie and Bill, both shouting out an extinguishing spell to put out the fire. Fred and
George were already successfully saving the bottom level. And together with Tonks' and
Remus' added help, they were able to quickly put out the rest of the flames, but not in time to
save the towering bedrooms. They were nothing but a charred-up, smoking frame now.

The Weasleys and Fleur had then all portkeyed to their Aunt Murial's. Only Arthur, Charlie,
Tonks, Remus and Harry remained behind.

"We'll try and repair the house in the morning. It shouldn't take too long with some help from
the Order," Arthur was explaining to Charlie as they surveyed the damage.

"Do you think mum will be okay?" Charlie asked as he picked up a piece of burnt, splintered
wood.

"She's strong, and she won't rest until Ron and Ginny are settled," Arthur said. "Charlie, I
want you and Tonks to go and alert Albus and the Order what has happened. We need to have
an emergency meeting at Hogwarts. I'm going to stop by Murial's and see if Molly is okay
enough to join us."

Tonks nodded in agreement. "How in Merlin did they break through the wards is my
question," she frowned.

"That is what we need to discuss," Arthur said, glancing at Remus, his eyes traveling to the
bite-mark on Remus' neck for the first time that night. "Among other things…" he added with
a grimace, his face growing a bit green.

"I'll be there too, I just need to drop Harry off…" Remus said, not daring to meet Arthur's
eyes, shame coursing through him at what Arthur witnessed tonight.

He probably sees me differently now, a dark creature like Greyback and… Remus couldn't
finish the thought in his head, mentally shuddering at the thought of Rowan.

"No, I want to come with you," Harry protested at the same time Arthur said, "No, Remus. I
want you to stay home with him. Harry needs rest, you do too… And we need someone with
him just in case they attack again. That cabin is the safest place besides Hogwarts."

"Remus, Arthur's right. You have to take care of that bite," Tonks said gently. "It's covered
with dirt and soot, you don't want it to get infected."
"We can wait at Hogwarts," Harry insisted with a worried glance at Remus. "Madam
Pomfrey is there."

"Then I think Harry has the right idea, Madam Pomfrey should take a look at it," Charlie
said, his eyes widening when he realized what they were talking about.

Remus clapped his hand to his neck, causing the bite to throb painfully. Wiping away the soot
and dirt, feeling the dried, crusted blood around the wound and the fresh bloody stream still
slowly trickling down. The last thing he wanted was to enter Hogwarts with this, for all the
Order members to see more visible evidence that he was not like them but a dark creature
who'd been marked to mate with another. He inwardly shuttered again with disgust, and this
time humiliation.

Remus turned his gaze away from them and towards Harry. Taking in his cub's dirty clothes,
his shoes drenched and caked with muddy water. His eyes were bloodshot with exhaustion
and shock. Scratches from running in the field covered his face and arms.

Arthur was right. Harry looked beaten and exhausted. He even sounded exhausted, as if the
adrenaline in him finally ran its course, leaving his body crashing down from it.

And if this attack really was the reason why Severus was gone for so long today, no doubt he
would go straight to Dumbledore and the emergency Order of the Phoenix meeting once
Voldemort dismissed him. It was better that Remus just took Harry home. Severus could just
fill Remus in on everything later…hopefully.

Besides, Remus wasn't ready to show the bite to Severus. Remus wasn't ready to show
anyone else for that matter. And perhaps Arthur didn't want anyone to see it just yet either,
maybe that was the reason for him urging Remus home. Perhaps they were going to discuss
what to do with him now. Imagining the looks of fear and disgust that would probably come
his way, Remus suddenly didn't want to be at the meeting, so he only nodded, "You're right,
Arthur." He ignored Harry's sigh of defeat.

"Here, take this." Charlie handed the charred wood to Remus. "Use it as a portkey, it's not
wise to Apparate just now with the wards down. We can't have you leading a magical trail to
your home."

Remus nodded, taking the wood from Charlie, then pulled Tonks into a tight hug.

"Tonks, I'll write to you tomorrow. I want you to help me put up more wards around the cabin
and that way it will show itself to you whenever the need for it arises."

Tonks nodded, briefly placing a light hand on the side of his face. Remus felt the tender throb
of a bruise forming.

"And we can talk about what happened, right?" Tonks said with a stern tone in her voice that
meant Remus wasn't getting out of that inevitable conversation. And she seemed to want to
continue, but Remus shook her hand off and they pulled apart. He didn't want Tonks to say
anything about it, to ask if he was okay. He didn't give her the chance to, he only beckoned
Harry to him.
"Portus," Remus whispered, pointing his wand on the wood. "Put your hand on it, Harry," he
then said in a louder voice.

Remus knew he was right about Harry being exhausted, knew he made the right choice to
take him home, because Harry didn't argue against him anymore. He just did as he was told
without a word or even a sigh of resignation, placing his hand on the portkey that glowed
with blue light.

And just before Remus felt the familiar pull around his navel, his eyes found Tonks once
again and he hated the quiet concern he saw swirling in her brown eyes.
 A Wolf Among Humans
Chapter Summary

Warning: Long chapter. You'll need snacks lol

Chapter Twenty-One - A Wolf Among Humans

The air was colder here, way colder than it was at the Burrow. Snow flurries were just
starting to come down as Remus and Harry appeared in front of the cabin. Remus watched
Harry turn his face up towards the sky, not saying a word. A tense and exhausted silence had
settled its way between them. Remus frowned, paying no attention to it, he immediately
climbed up the porch steps, ushering Harry to follow him. He broke the silence only to
instruct Harry to leave his shoes outside. Remus took his own off as well, leaving them
besides Harry's, meaning to clean the muck off of them the next day.

Remus then opened the door, making sure to shield Harry behind him as he casted a few
spells to assure that there were no visitors waiting to attack. And when it was deemed safe,
Remus allowed Harry in and out of the biting cold. And even though he knew the cabin was
empty, disappointment still coursed through Remus to find all the lights off and the cabin
having the cold feeling of being empty for hours. A part of Remus had hoped that Severus
would be here, waiting for them. But of course he wasn't. Remus reminded himself of the
possibility that Severus was now at the emergency Order of the Phoenix meeting being held
at Hogwarts that very moment, discussing the attack on the Burrow. It was the only logical
explanation to Severus' long continued absence, well…the only one Remus allowed himself
to think about.

Remus rechecked the wards over and over, making sure they were still secure, making sure
there were no breaches. He couldn't help feeling paranoid after the attack tonight, couldn't
stop thinking of those red eyes watching him and Tonks, hidden in the shadows of the field.
How long had Greyback been hiding there, watching them, listening to them? What did he
hear? Remus suppressed a shudder of disgust, not allowing himself to show it, knowing that
Harry was still in the living room with him, standing still and silent in his dirty mud-caked
and wet clothes.

The silence between them was growing, the tension was like the weather before a big storm,
heavy and dark. Harry knew Remus was upset with him. He must be waiting for a lecture or
perhaps he was expecting Remus to punish him like the Dursleys used to. Remus hoped that
last part wasn't true. How could Harry still expect that from him?

And once Remus was satisfied that the cabin was safe from unwanted visitors, that they were
safe, Harry was safe… Remus finally turned his attention towards Harry. His cub didn't look
injured aside from a few scratches on his face, just exhausted and dirty.
"Harry, I hope you're not expecting a punishment… Like what they used to do to you..."

Harry's cheeks blushed red and he kept his eyes on the floor.

For a moment, Remus couldn't say anything else. The intense fear and panic he'd felt tonight
had finally simmered down a bit, yet the emotions weren't completely gone, leaving Remus'
hands to shake. He held up his hands and took off the gloves Severus had given him. They
were now dirty and torn.

But that didn't matter… Severus had entrusted Harry's safety to Remus tonight, and Remus
had almost lost him… He'd almost lost their kid tonight.

And anger began to form.

"Go shower," Remus forced himself to say.

Harry did as he was told, not saying a word.

Remus went to the kitchen. He needed a moment alone. He didn't want to end up shouting at
Harry. He poured a cup of water for himself, drinking it slowly, staring out of the window
above the sink. It was dark outside with snow falling. The glass was covered with frost and
looked cold to the touch.

Remus failed Severus tonight, and he failed Harry….

Remus' anger, it wasn't just directed at Harry for his recklessness, for putting himself in
danger… It was also directed at himself, mixed with disgust for not being quick enough or
ready to hold Harry back. Of course Harry was going to run after Bellatrix…of course he
was…she had killed his godfather… Remus should've been ready to grab Harry as he passed,
instead he'd let himself get pushed aside.

It wasn't very long when Harry came back, showered and dressed in his pajamas. Remus
turned and handed him a cup of water. Harry took it, sipping it a bit then chugging it down
when he realized how thirsty he was from running in the field. Remus only silently watched
him, the tension still between them, brewing and rumbling.

"Let me see your face, you have a bunch of scratches," Remus said.

Harry placed his empty cup in the sink and lifted his face towards him.

Remus pulled out his wand, Harry flinched a bit.

"Remember, cub, I'm not like your relatives. I'm not going to hurt you, ever… Not like
that…" Remus said.

"But you're upset, I can tell…" Harry muttered.

He didn't reply to that, at least not right away because Harry was right, he was upset. Remus
had a whole lecture for Harry ready to be spilled, but first he had to heal all of the scratches
on Harry's face. They must be stinging after his shower.
Remus examined them. They were just shallow cuts caused by the tall grass and weeds in the
field. They were small enough for a simple healing charm to work. He pointed the tip of his
wand to each one, muttering the charm and managing to close them all up without any scars.

Harry was so lucky those scratches were all that happened to him tonight. It could've been
worse, so much worse….

And everything he'd felt tonight… Panic and fear from watching Harry running after
Bellatrix, thinking he'd lost him. Anger at Harry for being so bloody reckless and
endangering his life. Anger at himself for not being quicker, for not protecting Harry. The
shame and disgust towards himself… It all formed together, breaking the tension, and the
storm was finally released.

Remus put his wand away, his hands shaking again.

"What were you thinking? Running off like that?!" Remus snapped out the last part of his
sentence.

Taken aback by Remus' sudden scolding, it took a moment for Harry to register his words
before scowling, then answering, "I had to! It was Bellatrix, Remus! Bellatrix! She killed
Sirius, killed him! Like he was nothing! She laughed like he was nothing! Is that why you're
upset? Because I ran after her? I couldn't let her get away, not like in my dreams! This time it
was real, it was a chance for me to stop her…to…"

Remus cut Harry off, not letting him finish. He didn't want to hear the end of that sentence.
His voice was harsh, not raised, but calm and full of disapproval and suppressed anger. "To
what, Harry… If you would've caught up to her, what would you have done?"

"I…"

Remus didn't give enough time for Harry to answer. He didn't want to hear it. He just wanted
Harry to understand the seriousness of his actions tonight, to understand how lucky he was to
be standing here in the kitchen with him, alive and without any serious injuries other than the
small scratches that Remus had been able to heal for him.

"Did you really think you could kill Bellatrix Lestrange tonight? Is that what you wanted to
do? To stoop so far down to her level?" Remus spat causing Harry to step back. "Harry, to use
a killing curse and for it to actually succeed, you have to feel an absurd amount of hatred, so
great it consumes your entire soul. Do you really think you have that much hatred inside of
you? Regardless of the fact that she killed your godfather?"

Remus frowned down at Harry, waiting for him to answer, wondering what he had to say to
that.

Harry ran a hand through his wet hair, shaking his head as he spoke, "I'm not sure, but it feels
like it. It feels like I hate her enough that I can do it…" He then glared up at Remus. "I
thought you would understand why I ran off after her!" Harry shouted. "You loved Sirius too!
He wasn't just my godfather, he was your best mate, he was your boyfriend! And Bellatrix
just killed him! I had to do something, Remus! Don't you want to get back at her for what
she's done? To make her hurt as much as she hurt us?!"

"Oh, believe me, I wanted to attack her, believe me I did too, Harry. I understand why you
did it, but your…"

"Then why are you getting pissed at me if you wanted to go after her too? Why didn't you?!"
Harry shouted before Remus could finish what he was saying.

All his patience disappeared out of the frosted window and before he knew it, Remus was
shouting back, "Hey, don't throw this back at me! You were the one acting stupid and reckless
tonight! You were the one who wanted to kill her!"

"I never said that! I said I wasn't sure!"

"What was your bloody plan, then? To get yourself fucking killed?!" Remus shouted. "Harry,
you have to stop being so bloody reckless like that! Bellatrix led you into an ambush! You're
not invincible, you're so bloody lucky nothing happened to you and Ginny! What if she had
gotten hit by a dangerous spell, huh? Or you?! For Merlin's sake, Harry! That is why I'm so
fucking angry with you right now, either of you could've died tonight! Don't you realize that?
Don't you care about that? And all for revenge on Bellatrix!"

With Remus' shout still echoing in the kitchen, Harry tore his gaze away from Remus and
wrapped his arms around himself. "I didn't want Ginny to follow me…"

Remus heavily sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose for a second. The storm of emotions
inside him was starting to settle down. Remus wasn't angry anymore, he just wanted Harry to
understand.

He took a few deep breaths, watching Harry sulk with his gaze trained on his sock-covered
feet, his nails digging into his arms, scratching….

Remus knelt down so he was at Harry's eye level, placing his hands around Harry's own to
stop his nails from digging into his skin.

"Stop, cub, you're hurting yourself…"

Harry flinched violently at his touch, but Remus didn't let go. He knew this was the wrong
way to deal with Harry's anxiety, but Remus was too tired and so was Harry. He tried to
regain eye contact with Harry, wanting him to understand that he wasn't trying to hurt him
nor punish him like Vernon Dursley would've. Remus just wanted Harry to stop scratching
himself, wanted him to understand just how scared Remus was tonight at almost losing him,
how scared Molly and Arthur were at losing their only daughter. Remus wanted Harry to
understand that he was upset with him for good reason.

"Let go of me!"

"Harry, cub…listen to me first…"

Harry turned his face away, his nostrils flared and the corners of his lips turned down into an
angry frown.

"Cub, please… Look at me… I'm not hurting you…"

Harry wouldn't meet his eye, so Remus continued in a stern and no-nonsense voice, "I
understand why you ran off, believe me, I really do… But Bellatrix isn't worth the cost of
your life, of your soul." Remus squeezed Harry's hands. "Killing a person like that…well, it
changes you. You can never come back from an act like that. I don't want that for you…"
Remus lectured, still trying to catch Harry's eye. "That is why I'm upset…" At that, Harry
flinched again, trying to recoil away but Remus kept a firm hold on him. "Don't you worry,
I'm not going to punish you… I'm just saying I'm upset for a good reason… I really thought I
had lost you for a moment in that field. Don't you understand how scared I was for you,
Harry?"

Harry only continued to pull his hands away once Remus finished speaking. Remus still kept
his hold, afraid he'll lose him again if he let go. Desperation for Harry to just calm down and
realize what Remus was saying to him made his chest feel tight.

"Harry, I almost bloody lost you tonight!"

Harry stopped pulling his hands away. With those last words, Remus' emotions…the hurt and
fear and desperation for Harry to understand the seriousness of his actions tonight came out
in Remus' voice. Harry must've heard it because he finally turned his face back towards
Remus, his green eyes glittering behind his glasses.

Remus just kept talking, relieved that he got Harry's attention now.

"Don't you ever put yourself in such reckless danger like that again. Getting revenge on what
Bellatrix has done, that is not up to you!" Harry flinched again but Remus kept going, "Don't
you worry about Bellatrix. She'll get what's coming to her soon enough, believe me on that!"

Harry began fighting out of Remus' tight hold again. "Let go of me!" he shouted, his green
eyes swirling with anger, grief and guilt, swimming in unshed tears.

Remus sighed out with frustration and released him, then stood up, feeling the ache of old
injuries in his knees from kneeling down. "I apologize for being so harsh, Harry. I just want
you to understand the seriousness of this."

"You forget then!" Harry spat, stepping back so that he was out of arm's reach of Remus.
"You forget that I've already killed people! I've lost my soul already… Professor Quirrel,
Cedric Diggory! If killing them didn't take it… I'm destined to kill Voldemort anyways…that
should just about do it, so killing Bellatrix won't change anything!"

"Their deaths were not your fault. Quirrel wasn't even human anymore. Voldemort killed him
long before you did. And Cedric Diggory's death was never your fault. You didn't point your
wand at him, you didn't cast that spell. It was Pettigrew, not you, Harry!"
Harry shook his head at Remus' words. "I made him take the portkey with me! I led him to
his death! I as good as killed him!" Harry shouted, his voice echoing in the kitchen. Tears
started to finally spill slowly down Harry's cheeks as he said in a lower voice, cracking with
emotion, "Don't you see, Remus? I have no soul, you have nothing to worry about."

Remus felt his heart break at that. It wasn't true, but what could he say to convince Harry of
that? Bloody hell…how he wished Severus were here to help Harry through this. He always
seemed to know what to say, to know what to do when it came to this sort of parenting. And
looking at Harry standing there, visibly shaking, wiping the tears away from his face, Remus
knew he had to try to comfort Harry without Severus, to make him see he was very wrong
indeed. He did still have a soul… Remus hadn't meant for Harry to interpret his lecture that
way.

"Harry… Harry, you do still have a soul. I didn't mean for you to take my lecture that way.
You are not responsible for those deaths. I meant killing in revenge and cold blood. What
happened to you with them…those were accidents, you had nothing to do with that… Those
deaths…they just happened…"

Harry just continued to wipe more falling tears from his eyes. Remus stepped forward,
wanting to comfort him. Harry saw that and recoiled from him, stepping further back.

Remus felt his heart break. "Cub…"

At Remus' plea, Harry finally looked directly at Remus, his face twisted with anger and hurt.
"Now that you're with Severus, do you even miss Sirius anymore?" he spat. And Remus
knew Harry was only saying that to hurt Remus, and they did… He did… His words struck
Remus right in the heart, as if Harry had actually struck him with lightning from his very own
wand.

There was silence. Remus was at a loss for words. The air between them was so tense,
crackling and rumbling and snapping with Harry's underage magic. His power was always
tied to his emotions.

"Harry…" Remus' voice was calm and low. "Why would you say that?"

Harry opened his mouth, then closed it again. His body was shaking harder than ever now.
Regret glistened in his eyes. More tears, fat and warm, began rolling down his cheeks, faster
than before. And before Remus could say anything else, Harry suddenly turned and ran out of
the kitchen.

"Harry!" Remus called to him but was answered back by the slamming of his bedroom door
along with a crashing sound.

Remus followed after him, finding out that the crashing sound had come from a few picture
frames that had fallen off the wall.

All he could do was stare at the closed door and fallen frames in shock.
"Bloody hell, Severus! Where the fuck are you!" Remus muttered to himself as he banished
the broken glass and frames with a wave of his hand. He picked up the portraits. They were
just a few paintings that were his mother's, of wolves and scenic landscapes, of the mountains
and the forest their cabin was hidden in. His mother had always tried to make it a point to
Remus that wolves were beautiful creatures and not at all monstrous, hence the wolf decor
around the cabin. Remus sighed and carefully placed them in the folds of a book for
safekeeping until he could put them in new frames.

Remus stayed by the bookshelf for a moment, pulling himself together, reigning in his
frustration, his hurt and all other emotions swirling around inside of him. Remus knew Harry
hadn't meant what he said, he was just angry and hurt from their argument, triggered and
most likely still worried and scared for Severus… He hadn't meant that, but still…still it hurt
to hear him say that… It wasn't true. Remus would always love Sirius. He'll never stop…but
he has to move on… And Harry still has a soul. He didn't want Harry to go on thinking that
any longer than he had to, and with that thought, Remus decided to try talking to him again.
Hopefully now, Harry was a bit calmer.

He went to Harry's bedroom door, knocking gently to alert Harry of his presence before
turning the doorknob, but it was locked. He could sense the magic over the room. It was done
with Harry's underage magic, magic that was a bit more powerful than normal and sometimes
slipped when Harry was emotional, particularly angry. Remembering the time when Harry
accidentally blew up his aunt before running away from Privet Drive and the last time Remus
was locked out like this after an argument between them, Remus knew Harry wouldn't be
able to open the door until the magic wore off or when he completely calmed down or most
likely when Severus returned; just like the last time.

But Remus couldn't help but still try… "Harry, please let me in."

There was no answer.

"Cub…"

Still no answer.

Remus sighed out loudly with frustration, exhaustion and guilt. "I apologize for shouting like
that towards you… I shouldn't have been so rough and harsh like that… And I know I have
triggered you… I was just so bloody scared tonight, Harry…"

Remus paused, waiting to see if Harry would answer back or if his magic would unlock the
door. But there was no change. The door was still locked. It was still quiet on the other side.

"You have a soul, Harry. Just believe me on that at least… And you can sit in there and be
angry all you want. I'll let you be… But I just want you to understand that if you were indeed
soulless, you wouldn't be the Harry I know and love as my son. You would be a cold and
heartless person and you are not that, not even in the slightest… Trust me on that, cub…"

There was still no answer. It was no surprise. Remus didn't really expect one. He pointed his
wand at Harry's door and muttered the charm that would alert him if Harry was in pain or if
he left his room. Just in case… And so far, to Remus' relief, the spell told him that Harry
wasn't hurting himself.

Remus stepped away from the door. He shouldn't have been so harsh like that with Harry, but
what he said was true. Seeing his cub run off like that, jumping over the flames and losing
sight of him in the dark field where not only Bellatrix Lestrange and the threat of only Merlin
knew how many Death Eaters were lying in wait to ambush Harry and Ginny, but also
knowing that Greyback was there, hiding in the shadows… Harry could've been taken by him
again. And the panic that Remus had felt while running blindly in the field and marshes with
Tonks and Arthur behind him started to flare up again.

He remembered again those red eyes gleaming in the shadows of the tall grass, caused from
the light of Arthur's wand. The bared yellow fangs twisting in an ugly smile just before
Bellatrix appeared… And this time…this time…Remus couldn't help but finally let out a
deep shudder of fear, his body visibly trembling as he felt icy chills traveling up and down his
spine, as if those red eyes were watching him again. But because of the wards, Remus knew
Greyback wasn't really here. It was just his fear getting the best of him, but still….

He pointed his wand at every window of the cabin, closing every curtain. He just couldn't get
rid of the horror he was feeling at the thought of Greyback watching him and Tonks. How did
Greyback even find his way back to Voldemort and the Death Eaters? It only meant one thing
then… Remus realized with dread pooling heavily and nauseating into his stomach, that this
was solid proof of the Ministry and Azkaban being infiltrated. Now Greyback was out there,
free to find Remus again, free to watch him until he decides to attack again.

And Remus wondered…

The last time they'd fought, Remus had bested Greyback who ended up almost dying between
Remus' jaws, his fangs sinking into Greyback's flesh. That meant if Remus were to ever join
Greyback's pack, Remus wouldn't be joining just as a beta, second in command to
Greyback… He would be joining as the rightful leader, the true leader to Greyback's pack.
Did Greyback know that?

He has to… Remus thought. Unless he chose to ignore it… But his pack would know… They
would sense the change of leadership, he may have trouble controlling them now… All the
more reason for him to be coming after me now….

Why couldn't Greyback just accept that Remus was never going to join his pack? Even as a
leader. Why was Greyback so obsessed with him when he most likely has stronger
werewolves like Rowan who would make a stronger leader or beta than Remus. Who wanted
to be one, who was able and dedicated to making their pack stronger.

What is so special about me?

Compared to Rowan, Remus was small and scrawny. Not at all used to roughing it out in the
woods as a way of life. He could never be as wild and strong and bloodthirsty as the
werewolves living like that, and especially Greyback's pack. He would seem to them as a
pampered house dog living among humans. Why would Greyback want that as a leader or
beta to his pack?
Does Greyback really think I could be like that? Become like that? That I could be wild and
powerful and develop a taste for humans until my eyes turn red, just like Rowan, just like
him? And what is the purpose of having Rowan perform the mating bond on me? Why was
Rowan so keen to do it, most importantly? He doesn't even know me… We've never met until
tonight….

Lost in thought, searching for any reasonable answer to his questions, Remus gingerly
touched the open bite on his neck, tacky with drying blood. Remus flinched from the sudden
burn his touch caused it. It brought back the feel of Rowan's tight grip on his jaw, those
yellow sharp nails scraping his skin, piercing until blood began to well up. A show of power,
Remus reminded himself of the strength behind that grip, the way Rowan's callused thumb
slowly swiped over Remus' lips… A show of dominance… Does he know I'm his rightful
leader? Remus recalled the way Rowan forced Remus' face at an angle, biting down into his
neck, fangs sinking into his flesh but not enough to kill, to only mark, to claim as his… The
power Remus felt in it, the magic of the mating bond flowing through his bloodstream… A
show of him claiming me as his mate… But why? And shame washed over Remus, for just
letting it happen and the possibility of Severus being there, watching among the Death Eaters
surrounding the small group, unseen, ready to attack again… Would Severus know what it
was? What it meant?

Remus thought deeper what the mating bond meant in a pack…the oldest rules and traditions
required….

Would Severus still want me if he knew?

The roles between Remus and Rowan now… If Remus shall ever accept it, accept his place
as leader and Rowan's mate, then that would make Rowan… And then everything became
clearer… Greyback had Rowan there for a reason… He planned it… Answers began to
form… Remus had kept his eyes glaring at Greyback the whole time Rowan was attached to
his neck. Greyback knew Remus was the rightful leader of his pack, Rowan knew… And
Rowan's mating bite was the answer to solving Greyback's problem… Disgusted, Remus felt
his heart beat increase at the realization, yet he didn't let himself dwell on it any further…
Didn't let himself voice the answer to himself.

This felt too much like when Greyback had branded Remus with the silver rod. A show of
power to force Remus to accept his place in his pack, reminding him of what he really was,
but this time, it was in front of the people Remus was close to. Greyback wanted them to see
firsthand how monstrous Remus really was, a dark creature… That he didn't belong with
them. A wolf hiding among humans, trying to live like them. The bite was now just more
visible evidence of that… Permanent… And the scent of his burning flesh against silver was
suddenly in Remus' nose, mingling with the drying blood on his neck, causing Remus to feel
like he wanted to be sick and everything that happened tonight, all of his conclusions on why
Greyback had Rowan give him the mating bite, began to spin around him, like a replay of an
old muggle horror film in his mind.

Remus forced himself out of his thoughts, standing in the middle of the living room with all
of the curtains closed, holding his head in his hands. If Harry should decide at that moment to
finally leave his room and see Remus here, Harry would think Remus had gone mad. It
certainly felt like it, like Remus was going mad. A headache was blossoming from behind his
eyes. He massaged his temples, feeling dizzy, trying to regain some balance from his spiral.
What happened tonight with him, Rowan and Greyback… It was crazy, it was mad, it was
disgusting… Remus feared he would never escape them now. And what made everything so
much worse was that Remus could still feel the ghost of Rowan's touch gripping his face
tight, his thumb caressing his lips. He could still hear Rowan's chilling words in his ears,
promising things Remus didn't want to think about… He felt so fucking dirty… He needed a
drink.

Remus took a deep breath… No, he needed a shower… A shower was best… He was
covered in mud and blood, and the stink of it was strong enough to allow Remus to pull
himself together and think more clearly… And perhaps after a shower, the need to drink
would be gone. Remus couldn't, wouldn't let himself give into drinking tonight. That was the
last thing he needed.

Remus went into his and Severus' bedroom and into the private bathroom inside, closing and
locking the door behind him.

He stripped off his dirty clothes, tossing them into a dirty pile on the floor. While he was
doing that, he caught a quick glimpse of himself in the mirror, dirty, with his neck and
shoulder crusted with drying and tacky blood. Remus averted his gaze away from his
reflection, stepping naked and shivering into the shower.

He raised the temperature as high as it could go. The steam from the heat rising and curling
up around him, burning his skin hot. Remus stood underneath the water, letting it burn and
wash away the ghost of Rowan's touch, those golden-tinted red eyes and the way they studied
his body with such interest up and down, a thumb swiping over Remus' lips, a caress as if he
wanted to kiss them or bite them. Remus scrubbed himself harder with a washcloth until his
skin felt raw. The bite on his neck burning from the soap. The water streaming down, murky
from dirt and blood. And when Remus was done scrubbing himself and all of the soap had
washed everything away, he still stood underneath the water for a very long time, long after
the water began to run cold.

After he finally forced himself out of the shower with the sound of the water dripping from
the spouts and landing on the porcelain floor of the tub, loud and echoing in the steamed
bathroom, Remus stood in front of the bathroom mirror with a towel wrapped around his
waist. He wiped the steam off of the glass, feeling ready now to see his reflection, now that
he was clean and his body was scrubbed red raw until he couldn't feel Rowan touching him
anymore.

He looked exhausted from the long night. His eyes were bloodshot with dark circles
underneath them. Just like Harry, small scratches were littered across Remus' face from
running through the field. And huge purple bruises, the shape of Rowan's fingers dotted his
chin and jawline, along with scratches from his sharp nails.

Remus leant forward to examine them more closely, feeling the tenderness of the bruises with
tentative fingers. Then his eyes traveled down to the crook of his neck. The bite was no
longer bleeding, yet the skin around the puncture marks of Rowan's teeth and sharp canine
fangs looked inflamed, most likely from Remus scrubbing it hard in the shower. Then again,
it was covered in dirt and soot. The wound looked as if it hadn't even started to heal itself yet.
Which worried him because Remus has always been able to heal a bit faster than humans.
Can mating bites get infected? Remus wondered, not liking how red the wound was looking.
There was also a dark deep purple bruise surrounding the bite. Remus was afraid to touch it,
just in case it started bleeding again, yet he really was worried of infection.

Remus rummaged through the cabinets until he found a magical balm for cleaning wounds of
infections and helping them to heal along with a whole kit of medical potions, balms and
supplies. And Remus was grateful for Severus, this had to be his doing. Living with a
teenager who has a history of cutting himself and a werewolf that's prone to new injuries
every month, Remus couldn't blame him for being so overly prepared. He had everything
Remus could ever think of needing.

"Merlin, Severus! And I'll never make fun of you for acting like a mother hen ever again,"
Remus muttered to himself.

He lifted his neck at an angle, feeling the punctured skin tighten at the movement. Remus
unscrewed the lid off the jar and dabbed his fingers into the cool gel then gently rubbed it
into his wound…and sure enough, it started to bleed again.

"Bloody hell!" Remus huffed with irritation as he pressed a towel against it, applying
pressure to stop the bleeding.

He could try a few healing spells but the wound was too serious, too big and already showing
signs of infection. Maybe it wasn't a good idea, he could just end up making it worse.
Besides, Remus had done some reading on the old traditions of the werewolf packs when he
was a teenager. He couldn't remember everything clearly but he was sure he'd read that no
spell could help close it up. It was a bite from another werewolf as a magical mating bond
symbol. It had to heal on its own to ensure that the scar wouldn't go away. Perhaps that's why
his fast werewolf healing hadn't been able to close up the wound. And Remus tried to
remember anything about mating bites becoming infected, but he couldn't remember. And he
was pretty sure after all these years, those books were still on top of his wardrobe out of sight
and covered in dust in his old bedroom, the one Harry had locked himself in.

He would have to wait to get those books once Harry unlocked the door. And standing there,
looking at his pale and bruised reflection with a towel pressed to his bleeding neck, Remus
had never felt more pathetic.

When Severus returned, how was he going to explain all of this? Maybe there was a chance
of Severus not hiding in the field with the Death Eaters… Hope flickered… Severus might
not have seen what happened… He might not know…Then the flicker of hope died. Of
course Severus would know… Remus was being delusional. Severus has to be at the Order
meeting by now, and based on Remus' and Arthur's departing words, Remus was sure Arthur
was going to report what had happened between him and Rowan to everyone. Remus wasn't
even upset by it, he understood Arthur had to.

Severus probably already knew what happened then… And when he'll finally return, he'll see
the bruises on Remus' face, the inflamed bite on his neck. The evidence of Remus' weakness,
of letting himself be touched, letting himself be claimed by another as if he were an object, an
animal, a bloody fucking creature… Would Severus still want him after this? Would he look
at him the same way? How could he with this bite… Once it healed it'll be an ugly scar, an
ugly reminder of Rowan claiming Remus as his mate… A heavy weight of shame and disgust
pooled heavily into his stomach, his face burning hot with humiliation. And the urge to drink,
to lose himself in a bottle of wine came back stronger than before. Remus wanted to drink
until he couldn't think straight, couldn't feel anymore….

Anger rose up in Remus for wanting to drink… It was pathetic… He was pathetic! He swiped
at the mirror, messing up the clear image of himself, making his reflection blurry with the
steam and water sticking to the glass, as if it would erase away his reflection. As if it could
erase away the bite on his neck and the bruises littering his jaw.

Remus lifted the cloth to see that the bleeding finally stopped, it was burning like mad
though… He carefully rinsed it out again and dabbed a bit more ointment on it, making the
wound feel loads better. This time he was successful with not irritating it even further and
causing it to bleed again. He managed to wrap it up, then he quickly dressed in his flannel
pajama pants and an oversized wool sweater and thick socks.

Remus made his way back to the kitchen, quietly opening up cabinets until he came across
the red wine bottle Severus had received from Dumbledore that very morning for Christmas.
A morning that felt like a lifetime away. How could a day start off so great, then end so
disastrously?

Clutching the bottle tightly, Remus didn't know where to go for a moment. He couldn't bring
himself to relax in the living room with Harry's closed door nearby. He didn't want Harry to
come out and see him halfway through the wine bottle. And the kitchen felt empty. The
echoes of himself singing just that very morning, of Harry joining along and laughing, of
Severus scowling at their antics as he cooked breakfast for them. Remus tried to recall the
scents of that morning, the smell of breakfast, of coffee and hot chocolate mixed together…
But the only thing he could recall was the scent of his burning flesh against silver, that scent
was still trapped in his nose, even after hours in the shower… And the echoes of his and
Harry's argument chased away the laughter and singing from the morning… Suddenly Remus
couldn't stand to be in the kitchen any longer or even the cabin itself. He wanted that smell
out of his nose, he wanted the echoes of he and Harry shouting at each other to stop… Remus
needed air, it was too hot, too suffocating…

And what was taking Severus so long? Why wasn't he back yet? It has been a couple of hours
now, the Order meeting must be wrapping up by now. Was Severus even at the meeting? Was
he safe at Hogwarts or was he still sitting by Voldemort's side? Or… Remus stopped that
thought, still clenching the wine bottle tightly to himself. He didn't dare think of the worst
reasons for Severus' long absence… It was bad enough that he was already feeling sick with
worry, along with all of the emotions churning inside of him from the night.

Remus felt the wolf inside him stir from all of his human emotions. It brought Remus back a
bit, enough to steady himself and finally decided to just sit out on the porch swing and wait
for Severus there.

First, Remus checked Harry's door. It was still locked. He checked the charm again, just in
case… Just to be sure it was still working… So far, Harry hadn't attempted any self-harm to
his relief. He's gotta be asleep by now… Perhaps in the morning they could talk again….

And just before he opened the front door, Remus found Severus' Slytherin scarf hanging on
the coat rack. He picked it up and wrapped it around his neck, inhaling Severus' scent, finally
chasing away the memory of his burnt flesh out of his nose. Remus sighed with relief,
acknowledging the fact that it also covered up his bandaged neck.

Snow was falling heavily from the dark clouded sky, the cold biting Remus' nose and cheeks.
The temperature had dropped since he and Harry had arrived at the cabin, but consumed in a
deep gloom, Remus hardly felt it. The wine bottle, unopened, was still in his hands as he sat
down. The porch swing swinging back and forth…back and forth… Still debating if he
should drink it or not… The promise he and Severus made together to quit drinking echoing
in his head.

The half-moon suddenly emerged from the clouds. Remus looked up at it, admiring it, feeling
the wolf in him stir again, but this time for a different reason other than human emotions.

Who the bloody fuck is Rowan? Remus couldn't help but wonder with annoyance, gazing at
the moon and its silver light casting down on the frozen lake, making everything glow silver.
Remus had never heard of him until tonight. He was confident now that Rowan was never at
the werewolf camp. Remus was sure if he had, then Rowan would've made his presence
known to him, with the way he had looked at Remus tonight with such special interest…
Remus was sure he was right, and was sure that Rowan had known exactly who Remus
was…because of Greyback… They were up to something… Rowan and Greyback… They
made some sort of bargain or plan and Remus was caught in the middle of it as their trading
piece. The way Rowan had touched Remus, looked at him, forcibly marked Remus as his…
Remus' hands began to shake… Remus knew why… He knew the answer, but he had stopped
himself earlier from thinking about it any further.

Remus was now the rightful leader of Greyback's pack. Greyback knew that, and he was sure
Rowan knew that as well. Remus saw it in his eyes. But was Greyback willing to hand
leadership of his pack over to Remus? Greyback and his pack were known to follow the
oldest werewolf traditions, that is what made him and his pack so bloodthirsty and dangerous.
They were the most wanted pack in all of Britain because of their way of life. Most
werewolves gathered in colonies out in no man's country, rural areas where there were no
humans around for miles and miles, living off the land and animals that were found, hunting
in packs, changing under the full-moon far away with no humans around. Those were the
colonies that Remus joined under Dumbledore's orders and Remus had come to know most of
them, respecting their way of life.

But Greyback and his pack…with their red eyes and their fangs dripping with human blood.
Remus…he had heard of rumors when he'd spent time in the colonies…rumors of
cannibalism going on in Greyback's pack. That is what made their eyes so red… What made
them so mad and unhinged and evil… Remus felt his hands shake even more at the thought
of himself being a leader to them. They hunted humans like prey. They did it by positioning
themselves just before the full-moon rose near villages. They were also known to steal
children, biting them and adding more werewolves to their ranks.
Greyback would never just hand over his leadership to a werewolf living among humans,
Remus was sure of that. Remus could change everything if he really wanted to, if he should
ever step up as leader. Perhaps that is what Greyback was afraid of, why Greyback had
Rowan give him the mating bite, to insure the safety of his pack's way of living, the old
traditions they live by, that they remain the strongest, the most dangerous, most bloodthirsty
and wildest werewolf pack in all of Britain. Remus wondered if Greyback was angry about
this, about him having to step down… But the look in Greyback's eyes as Rowan was biting
Remus' neck, they were glittering with triumph… Greyback must really trust Rowan… If
Rowan became mates with Remus then that would make Rowan second in command to
Remus, if Remus remembered the texts he read in the books well enough… He really needed
them to confirm his theory. But if Remus was correct, then Rowan would indeed be his beta,
his second in command who would have influence over Remus' leadership, who would be
able to keep an eye on Remus… That way…that way Remus wouldn't change anything.
Greyback was probably hoping that Remus would be brainwashed by Rowan, he felt that in
the way Rowan gripped his jaw, the way he spoke to him, with dominance… If Remus
should let himself fall under that then he would become what Greyback always wanted him
to be, just not as beta to his pack but leader… The leader Greyback saw in Remus….

Remus shuttered with disgust. That had to be Greyback's plan to solve this change of
leadership in his pack. And Remus wondered if Greyback would still have any leadership
role if Remus should decide to take his place. What would happen to him? And he realized
that in the end, after everything… Greyback was a bit closer to what he wanted… His pack
being ruled by his son. Remus shuttered again… No… Never… I'm never going to join
them… It's never going to happen… I'll make him wait forever… I'm not taking my place as
leader….

And darker thoughts began to take over… Like what if this was Greyback's plan all along?
Did he want to be beaten by Remus so this could play out, so Remus could be trapped by the
old magic of tradition? Or was this just Greyback taking advantage of the situation, playing
his cards right so everything still ended up in his favor?

And why Rowan? Who was he to Greyback? What made him so important? Did he have to
make any sort of deal with Greyback to be the one to perform the mating bite on Remus?
Was he maybe the most strongest and bloodthirsty member of Greyback's pack? And Remus
felt his face pale a bit because he suddenly realized Kaylie grew up in that pack, she was
there before the training camp. Did she grow up with that monster so near her? Was she ever
forced to eat like them, hunt like them… Her eyes were still golden… Not a hint of red….

And before Remus could stop himself or give any more thought on why he shouldn't, he was
opening the wine bottle. The pop of the cork rang loud on the porch, joining the sound of the
heavy winds that started. The half-moon was now half hidden by approaching storm clouds.
Remus took a long chug, then continued drinking and drinking until he began to feel the
dizzying sensation of a good buzz. He wasn't even halfway through the bottle yet, surprised,
Remus examined the label. Usually he wouldn't feel anything until he was two wine bottles
in. The perks of being a werewolf… Remus thought savagely to himself. He could really hold
his alcohol… Cheers to Dumbledore… This wine bottle was more than decent… It was
pricey… More than the clothes on Remus' back that was for sure. Why was Dumbledore
gifting Severus such an expensive wine for Christmas? Remus took another long chug, not
dwelling on the answer. He was done thinking about things for the night. He took another
chug and another and another until he couldn't even remember why he was feeling such cold
fear, disgust and a mixture of horror and guilt for a young girl lost….

Remus had no idea how long he sat out there, but it was long enough that he began to feel
another drop of the temperature, forcing him to set a blue fire into a small bell jar that was
found on the side table. The warmth of the blue flames and the buzz of the wine kept him
from shivering, and he must've fallen asleep because suddenly pale and cold hands were
gently pulling the bottle away.

Remus opened his eyes and his heart leapt in his throat. A lump formed, preventing him from
speaking. Dark obsidian eyes, so dark that it reminded Remus of underground tunnels that
have never known the light of the sun, yet somehow, they bore its warmth.

Severus… He finally returned….

Remus watched him frown at the less than half empty wine bottle before placing it on the
side table.

"Severus…" Remus finally managed to say, his voice raspy from sleep was filled with heart-
wrenching relief. He wasn't sure if this was real or if he was in a wine-induced coma and
dreaming.

Severus whipped his head around, surprised to find Remus awake. And suddenly Remus was
pulled into a tight embrace.

Remus wrapped his arms around him. He could feel Severus burying his face into the scarf
Remus was wearing, feeling his warm breath on his skin, soft kisses peppering the side of his
neck. It reminded Remus of the hidden wound but he didn't pull away, not yet, he wasn't
ready to let go just yet.

"I apologize for taking so long to get back to you," Severus murmured against him.

The vibration of Severus' voice, the warmth of his breathy words against his neck sent
butterflies in Remus' stomach. And all Remus could do was just continue holding him, almost
wanting to cry at the thought of himself coming so close to losing this man in his arms. His
eyes filled with warm tears making his vision blurry but they didn't spill over. Remus buried
his face into the crook of Severus' neck, inhaling his warm and comforting scent. It chased
away the horrors of the night that were slowly creeping back to him now that the buzz of the
wine was wearing off.

Remus exhaled, his breath coming out frosty. He felt the tension in his body melt away,
savoring Severus' embrace. And he now knew he wasn't dreaming. This was real… It was
real… Severus really was back, safe and whole in his arms. He glided his hands over
Severus, feeling for any bandages or any signs of injury and to his relief, there was nothing.
"I'm okay, darling, I'm not hurt," Severus whispered.

Remus only sighed in response, holding him tighter, closing his eyes, savoring the moment
he'd been waiting for all day.

Remus had no idea how long they sat there, holding each other, and once they pulled away,
he instantly missed Severus' warmth.

In the glow of the blue flames dancing in the jar, Severus held Remus' face, studying him
with a crease in his eyebrows and a worried frown. Remus averted his eyes away from him
with shame. He knew Severus was taking in the scratches scattered around his face, the dark
bruises on his chin and jawline. He didn't want to see Severus' eyes travel down to his neck,
to the bandaged wound that was hidden underneath the Slytherin scarf.

Rowan's red-tinted eyes swam in Remus' mind, reminding him of his theories on the reason
for Rowan to give Remus his mating bite, for Greyback to allow it. His red eyes glittering
maliciously and triumphant as Remus glared into them… Again he thought of the very old
books on werewolves in his childhood bedroom collecting dust, hidden on top of the
wardrobe. Only Dumbledore knew about them, since he was the one who had given them to
Remus years and years ago. Remus didn't dare show them to his friends. The information in
them was sick. Traditions and rules that were so ancient. Only Greyback was mad enough to
follow them, to want to live by them. And to think, Remus was the true leader to that now…
Disgust, shame, a deep bone-chilling fear went down Remus' spine.

He wondered if Severus knew… How was he going to tell him all of this?

Severus must've seen the emotions passing on his face or perhaps in the way Remus couldn't
look at him or the way his body tensed at Severus' touch… "Remus, are you okay?"

Remus couldn't answer. His voice was caught in his throat because he wasn't okay…he
wasn't… And he didn't know how to answer Severus who was patiently waiting with gentle
warm eyes, still holding Remus' face in his hands. Remus couldn't lie and say yes… He
would feel terrible about it, and he was sure Severus would read it on his face. And Remus
couldn't just say the truth and say no because then it would only bring up more questions…
Then Remus would have to explain everything… And he didn't feel ready to have that
conversation yet, wasn't ready to see those warm dark eyes looking at him like he was some
sort of monster…no, even worse…a leader of monsters….

"Have you put anything on these bruises and scratches?" Severus asked, gently angling
Remus' face to examine them.

Remus tore his face away. Severus' hold on his chin reminded him too much of the way
Rowan had gripped him tight and rough.

"That's a no then…"

And to that Remus didn't respond.

Severus eyed him warily, taking out his wand. "I'm able to heal minor scratches… May I?
The bruising though… I'm not very good with that but I do have a balm for it. It works
wonders… I had used it for Harry when he first arrived in my care. You should've seen the
bruises he had…"

"I can take care of myself!" Remus snapped. He had no idea why he was suddenly becoming
so defensive towards Severus. Remus was very much sure that Severus knew what happened
tonight. Why then was he still looking at him with such concern, talking to Remus as if he
still saw him as human? He pities me… He must see me as his wounded dog… Remus
couldn't help but think darkly.

Severus stiffened. "I never thought you couldn't." His voice sounded tired, worried and even
a bit hurt.

Remus felt bad at his sudden defensive and dark mood. Deep down, underneath it all, he
really knew that Severus was just trying to help, that he would never see Remus as an injured
dog… He was just feeling so wretched about himself after everything that happened.

He slowly and finally met Severus' worried gaze, and flickering in those dark, dark depths,
the blue flames from the bell jar danced. It illuminated Severus' features, and Remus took in
his haggard appearance, his hair…greasy and limp, looking tangled from the long, long night.

And shame washed over Remus. He shook his head, rubbing his eyes hard against the palms
of his hands. "I'm sorry…" Remus muttered.

Severus only shook his head and muttered, "Accio Bruising Balm."

It took a silent moment of Remus still hiding behind the palms of his hands and Severus
watching him warily. Their silence was then quickly broken by the sound of a jar clinking
against the window. Remus put his hands down, watching Severus leaning over to open the
window behind them, the porch swing swaying from his movement as he plucked the tiny jar
out of midair before closing the window shut.

Severus settled himself once more, the porch swing now still.

"Can I?" Severus asked. "Or do you want to do it on your own?"

Remus lifted up his chin in response. "Go ahead…" he muttered.

Severus leant forward, pointing his wand on each of Remus' scratches, muttering a quick
incantation. It was the same spell Remus had used for Harry's scratches in the kitchen, just
before their argument.

Remus didn't say a word, he kept his eyes on Severus the whole time. Watching the gentle
concentration in his eyes as he angled Remus' face this way and that… His grip was so much
softer and with so much care. Not at all aggressive and dominating… Severus then let go for
only a moment to open the jar of Bruising Balm, then gently took Remus' chin in his hand
again, rubbing the balm into the tender bruises with cool fingers.
"That should help clear it up in a few hours…" Severus said, letting go of Remus to close up
the jar and clean off his hands with a charm.

Remus nodded. The tenderness was already fading a bit. "Thank you, Severus…"

Severus fixed his eyes back on Remus, this time they flashed with icy-black flames.

"Tonks told me her version of what happened in the field after the meeting… Arthur, he was
the one who addressed the Order on what happened, but he was behind you with Harry…
Tonks, she was right next to you…" Severus continued with his voice sounding like an angry
growl. "She told me what she saw…" His eyes then traveled down to the Slytherin scarf
around his neck. "She told me what you called it… Let me see it."

Remus shook his head, his cheeks turning red.

Severus sighed out loudly with frustration. "Remus, let me see it."

Remus only brought the scarf closer to him. He didn't want to start an argument, but the sick
turmoil of his emotions that he'd been feeling all day, all night, the worry and fear for
Severus' life, paired with the fact that Severus was trying to force Remus in showing him
Rowan's bite on his neck and showing signs of anger over it, it all brought back Remus' walls
of defense. He didn't want Severus to see it. Everything started boiling together, turning into
anger. And the thing that bothered Remus the most was Severus' confirmation that he was
indeed at the Order meeting for the past few hours and he didn't send a message.

He glanced over Severus' body. He didn't appear hurt, Remus hadn't felt any bandages on him
when they were holding each other. That meant he was well enough to at least send Remus a
message that he was alright once he'd arrived at Hogwarts, instead of leaving him to worry
sick over him all night, as if he hadn't had enough of that during the day.

Suddenly a gentle hand squeezed his knee. It was Severus, reading the anger in his eyes most
likely. "Fine, don't show me then… But please, Remus, don't shut me out."

Remus pulled his knees up to his chest, his feet on the swing, causing it to sway back and
forth. His gaze moved away from Severus and out into the frozen lake. The small snow storm
that had started earlier before Remus fell asleep had quieted down. There was now a fresh
layer of snow on the ice, sparkling and untouched under the glow of the half-moon.

"You could've sent out a patronus to let me know you were okay before the meeting started. I
was worried sick, Severus," Remus only muttered in response.

Severus' breath hitched. "I know… And I wanted to, believe me I did…"

Remus took a deep breath and exhaled through his nose. The condensation of his breath
swirled in front of him in the icy air before fading away. Trying to calm down his emotions,
he didn't want to feel the wolf stirring inside him. Then once he felt in control again, Remus
tore his eyes away from the frozen lake, turning back to find Severus watching him with
caution and concern, as if he were waiting for an argument to break out.
And again, Remus noticed Severus' haggard appearance, and he was wearing a different set
of robes than what he had originally left with that morning… Remus hugged his knees closer
to himself. He wasn't being fair, he realized. Severus must've had a horrifying hard day just as
well… And the anger in his voice, demanding to see Remus' wound on his neck, Remus
realized it wasn't just anger but worry as well… He must be so exhausted, then to hear from
Tonks what had happened….

"Severus… Forgive me…" Remus said quietly. "Are you hurt? Did Voldemort…"

"No need to apologize, we both had quite a night. And I really am okay. It was nothing I
couldn't handle," Severus answered briskly before Remus could finish his question.

Remus could see that Severus wasn't letting on how bad it was, he could see it in the way his
body tensed at the mention of Voldemort. His eyes clouded with emotion. Remus was indeed
honored that Severus no longer hid his emotions like he did with everyone else, but tonight,
he needed more than that.

Tonight they both had walls up that needed to be taken down.

"Severus…" Remus reached out and took his hand in his. His long pale fingers felt so cold.
Severus gazed down at their joined hands, threading his fingers between Remus' own. "Be
honest with me and I'll be honest with you. No walls."

Severus sighed, his breath coming out through his nose, frosty and cold. Remus only
squeezed his hand, waiting patiently.

"The Cruciatus Curse… A few slicing charms on my back…"

Remus swore under his breath in response.

Severus turned his gaze from their hands back to Remus' face. "It really wasn't as bad as it
sounds. Madam Pomfrey healed my injuries in no time at all." He then continued with more
conviction in his voice as if he really wanted Remus to believe him and even himself that he
really was okay. "I'm okay, Remus. I've been enduring this sort of treatment from the Dark
Lord for quite a while. He's left me with much worse injuries in the past countless times than
the ones I've received from him today. Like I've said, nothing I couldn't handle. I got here in
one piece, didn't I?"

"Yeah, but still…" Remus could only say. He tortured you….

Remus' unspoken words hung in the air. Severus sighed out with defeat, condensation of his
breath dancing around him. "I know…" he only whispered. "But I'm more worried for you."

Then it was quiet, a comfortable silence, yet the heaviness of the conversation, the unspoken
wound on Remus' neck, it still hung in the air between them.

Remus watched as Severus leaned back against the bench, rocking the porch swing just a bit,
his obsidian eyes occasionally following the few descending snowflakes. He seemed haunted,
as if he were reliving the horrors of the day in his head. Remus squeezed Severus' hand again,
reminding him that he was there besides him, that Severus was no longer with Voldemort.
That he was home and he was safe.

At the gentle squeeze, Severus broke out of his melancholy trance, looking at Remus. Tears
glistened in his eyes like dark obsidian pools, but they didn't fall.

"Tell me what happened, Severus… You're telling me that you're fine, that the summons with
Voldemort was nothing you couldn't handle but you're anything but fine, you're haunted.
Don't hold it all in. I'm here sitting next to you…still waiting for you…" As Remus spoke,
Severus held his gaze, his eyes swirling with pain, guilt and horror. "Talk to me, love…"
Remus whispered the term of endearment.

And despite all of the emotions in Severus' eyes, they warmed as Remus spoke.

"I couldn't stop them from attacking the Burrow," he finally revealed in a shaky voice. Remus
rubbed the pad of his thumb against the back of Severus' hand, encouraging him to keep
going. "The only thing I could do was alter their plan so that it would end differently from
what they'd expected…" Severus' breath hitched, "I'm so sorry, Remus… For putting you and
Harry into danger tonight…but I couldn't stop them… It was the only way."

Remus frowned. "Voldemort summoned you to help them plan it? Severus, don't punish
yourself over this. I'm sure you did everything in your power…"

Severus just shrugged Remus' words away.

"Well, what was their intent behind the attack?"

"It was just a fear tactic. They wanted to get under everyone's skin. It was a Christmas
present for the Order of the Phoenix, for Albus… To remind us of their presence."

Remus snorted out in disgust. "Seems like they were trying to start the war."

"Believe me, if they wanted to declare war, then their attack would've been much worse,"
Severus said. "Also, the Dark Lord, he does know that Harry's under my care on Albus'
order… Thanks to Merlin above, he still doesn't know it's an official adoption… I think he
was testing me on my loyalty again, to make sure I haven't warmed up to Harry… That I'm
still giving him a hard time… The Dark Lord wanted to see if I would react a certain way to
their plan or try to stop them… And I wanted to, Remus, I fucking wanted to curse them all
into oblivion because death isn't a proper enough punishment for their sorry asses… But I
couldn't do anything without blowing my cover. The Dark Lord was watching me so very
closely… Their original idea was to set the Burrow on fire with everyone inside. They had a
whole fucking map of the Weasley's property, most likely from Wormtail when he lived with
the Weasleys."

Remus bared his teeth at the mention of the rat that was once his friend. After everything the
Marauders had done for Peter Pettigrew… What a bloody coward and traitor he turned out to
be.
"I gave them the idea to have Bellatrix appear out in the yard to scare everyone before they
set the Burrow on fire… How did I put it to them?" Severus stopped, going through his
memories of the meeting. Remus waited in silence, his fingers still intertwined with Severus'
own. Rubbing the soft skin between Severus' thumb and index finger back and forth.

"Ahh… To strike intense fear in your hearts before you burn…" Severus gave a slight shiver.
"They liked that idea… Sick bastards," he growled.

Remus wrinkled his nose in disgust. A sick feeling in his gut formed as he thought of what
could've happened if Severus wasn't there to change their plan of attack. And the wolf stirred
inside him, awaking from Remus' emotions, but he suppressed it down. He didn't want the
wolf to show itself anymore tonight.

"That's revolting, Severus. Thank Merlin, you were there."

The way Severus' eyes traveled to Remus' own with a quiet surprise, Remus knew he failed
in completely keeping the wolf down. It was probably showing itself in his eyes, golden
flecks dotting his hazel irises. Remus blushed, averting his eyes. The wound on his neck was
starting to throb a bit.

Severus only watched him. "Yes, thank…" he began but then he suddenly smiled, although it
didn't reach his eyes. It was tainted by an intense guilt and despair, Remus could see it in him,
in his eyes, in his smile. Severus covered their joined hands with his other free hand, his grip
was tight and cold. "How well do I know our kid, Remus?" he said suddenly. "Perhaps we
should be thanking Harry and his talent for constantly throwing himself into danger, than
thanking Merlin tonight for everyone getting out of the Burrow safely!"

"Severus?" Remus could only ask, not sure what he meant.

"I knew Harry would go after Bellatrix as soon as she appeared in the yard. Harry's had
nightmares of her killing Black since he came into my care. I knew this would trigger him. I
know how reckless he can be sometimes. And I hoped that you would follow after him, that
the sudden commotion would get everyone out of the Burrow. Bellatrix's appearance was a
warning from me so that you guys wouldn't get blindly attacked."

"So, you're telling me that Harry's impulsive and reckless behavior tonight saved us?" Remus
asked in awe of Severus' brilliance. "Fuck…and me and Harry had such a terrible arguement
over it."

The guilt-ridden smile disappeared. "You two fought?" Severus asked worriedly.

Remus sighed at the memory of it. "It was bad enough for him to lock me out of his room. I
put the charm over him, that way I'll know if he leaves or tries to hurt himself…"

"Has it gone off?"

"No, he's gotta be asleep by now."

Severus frowned at Remus' words. "Are you ready to talk about what happened tonight? I've
heard Arthur's and Tonks' version of tonight, but I want to hear yours…" Again his eyes
traveled down to the scarf.

Remus pulled his hands away from Severus, hugging his knees closer to his chest. He was
starting to feel cold from the early dawn. He wondered what time it was, but didn't care
enough to ask.

Severus only waited for Remus to begin explaining. And Remus knew he had to. It was the
least he could do after Severus opened up to him.

"Harry really had a hard time. As soon as you left, he stopped fighting me and he closed up. I
just sat with him and talked to him until he pulled himself out of his wall. Then I was able to
convince him to come with me to the Burrow, to wait for you there. I wanted him to be
around his friends, to be coddled by Molly instead of sitting here in silence…waiting…"

And Remus explained everything that happened. How when they arrived, Harry barely spoke
to anyone, sitting by the fire…waiting and waiting…until Scrimgeour came.

Severus stopped Remus in his explanation only to say that he knew of the Minister's visit
from the Order meeting. Remus told him how Harry had handled it, the words he'd spoken to
Scrimgeour, causing Severus to snort with amusement, pride shining in his eyes for a
moment.

Then Remus went on about how Harry seemed to be in a better mood after that. How he
joined his friends in games, yet how he had barely eaten. How Harry kept glancing at the
fireplace everytime Remus observed him. How he'd caught Harry in the kitchen, Molly
talking to him and coaxing him to finally eat something. Severus had sighed at that with
frustration, then his eyes shone with relief for Molly. And Remus went on to explain the
hours that seemed to pass so slow until Remus couldn't stand to be inside there anymore.
How luckily, he, Tonks, and the Weasleys were all standing on the back porch when Bellatrix
appeared. Remus kept his conversation with Tonks out, knowing that the young witch was a
sore spot for Severus.

"I think I've lectured Harry about running off after Bellatrix maybe a bit too harshly, because
it just resulted in hurtful words being exchanged…and I somehow got him thinking he
doesn't have a soul…"

"How did that happen?" Severus asked, who had listened the whole time with a worried
frown.

Remus went more in depth about the argument. Severus could only shake his head.

"I didn't mean to be so harsh, but he really scared me tonight, Severus. I really thought I was
going to lose him. As soon as Bellatrix saw Harry running towards her, she turned and ran
into the field behind the Burrow. She left a ring of fire around the house, Harry was able to
get through and Ginny followed. I lost sight of them while Tonks, Arthur and I battled down
the flames. We couldn't find them once we were on the other side… I had to stop and tune in
the wolf…to let it have some control so I could borrow its senses and track them down…
Bellatrix led the kids straight into an ambush..."

As Remus explained everything to Severus, the emotions he'd felt that day, his intense fear
and panic over losing Harry, the adrenaline coursing through his blood as he ran through that
fucking field, lost, the weeds and grass whipping him in the face with razor-sharp leaves…
And knowing Greyback was there unseen, so close to his cub again, so close that he could
take Harry again… They all began to resurface… But this time, Remus didn't feel the full
effect of them consuming him, causing his chest to tighten with anxiety or his hands to shake
like before. They ran their course through Remus then faded away, as if finally voicing them
out loud to Severus was all he needed…was actually helping….

And when Remus got to the part with Rowan and Greyback, he found with frustration that he
couldn't go on anymore. He still couldn't talk about what happened. It was so embarrassing
and it wounded his pride. He didn't want to tell Severus how pathetic and weak he was to let
Rowan so near him. Then he would have to tell him his theories on the purpose of the mating
bite, and admit to Severus about his unwanted new leadership. He didn't want to go down that
path, he wanted to pretend that it never happened, but he knew he couldn't ignore it.
Eventually he would have to tell Severus. And he did want to, deep inside, he did…because
then Remus knew he would be free of the cold fear and disgust everytime he thought of
Rowan and Greyback, just like how talking got rid of the other emotions he'd felt over losing
Harry and waiting for Severus' return. Just tonight… Remus couldn't… It was all too real
still…so raw….

Remus sighed out his frustration and stopped his explanations and his churning thoughts,
deciding to turn the conversation towards Severus again.

"Did you know about that part of the plan? Their ambush?" he asked Severus.

"The ambush? No… That wasn't part of my plan. It happened simply in the moment, a quick
silent decision by Bellatrix and the Death Eaters. They didn't expect Harry to run, only I did,
and it was foolish of me, Remus, risky… I'm relieved my plan worked without any casualties,
it was so fucking dangerous…"

Remus only shook his head, hugging his knees closer to himself. He was afraid to ask this
question, but it has been bugging him for quite a while. He suddenly had to know… He
bowed his head low, his fringe going into his eyes. "Were you there?" Remus asked quietly,
feeling Severus' gaze on him. Was Severus there in that field, hiding behind a Death Eater's
mask, hidden and watching?

"No," Severus answered.

Remus let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding. Now that he thought of it, he didn't
catch Severus' scent in the air. He believed him. And he lifted his head back up, his eyes back
on Severus. "Where were you while the attack was happening?" he asked.

"I was forced to sit besides the Dark Lord until it was over. I had to sit there and pretend I
wasn't screaming every imaginable curse word at him from behind my hidden mental
shields," Severus spat with disgust. "I had to force myself to stay there, to not abandon my
fucking post for fucking Albus Dumbledore! To not just run to you and Harry. And I wasn't
allowed to leave until the Death Eaters returned and even then, I couldn't risk looking so
eager to depart. I had to wait a while."

"And when you arrived at Hogwarts, what happened?"

"I met Albus at the gates. He was waiting for me. We headed straight to the meeting while I
told him everything that happened. Arthur and Tonks then gave their account of what
happened in the field. Then I had to give them my version, and while I was speaking, I
realized my mistake. Not realizing the possibility of where Bellatrix might lead Harry to once
he took off after her. Alastor berated me in front of everyone, but he was right. I screwed up,
Remus. I should've tried a better plan, even though mine did work… I had put Harry in so
much danger… They could've killed or taken him…"

Severus' voice cracked.

"I am so fucking sorry that you were so scared for Harry tonight, Remus. I didn't mean for
that to happen. There was just nothing else I could think of… It was the only option…"

Remus reached out and placed his hand against Severus' cheek, his thumb smoothing over his
pale skin. Severus leant into the comforting touch.

"Don't be so hard on yourself," Remus said softly. "Your plan worked, Severus. Yes, I had
thought I lost Harry. Yes, I was bloody scared out of my mind, but Harry's safe in his room
and that is because of you." Remus stared into those dark guilt-ridden eyes, wanting to take it
all away, to make sure Severus realized that he'd done everything in his power tonight. And
anger at the audacity of Alastor Moody burned through Remus. "Alastor had no right to treat
you like that. I doubt he would've done any better under such pressure.

"No, Remus." Severus pulled his face away from Remus' touch. "Alastor was right. Yes, my
plan worked, but at what cost? We were all very lucky Harry didn't die tonight or was
captured…the Weasley girl too… I put our kid in danger, and when I came home, I found you
passed out with a fucking wine bottle!" he snapped, gesturing a hand to the less than half-
empty bottle besides the bell jar with the blue flames flickering inside. Severus looked back
at Remus, then said in a softer voice, "It isn't okay. I fucking drove you to that."

Remus frowned, shaking his head in disagreement. "That was my choice to drink, it wasn't all
your fault, believe me… And I don't blame you for anything that happened tonight. I doubt
anyone does. Did anyone agree with Alastor?"

"No, Molly and Arthur stood up for me," Severus said, turning his head away. Slightly bowed
so his dark hair hid his face.

"See?" Remus said, leaning over to catch his eye, wanting Severus to understand that he
wasn't in the wrong tonight. It was Alastor. He reached out and moved a lock of hair behind
Severus' ear. Dark eyes gazed back at him once more.

Remus gave him a small reassuring smile.

"Everyone was able to get out of the Burrow safely with no injuries. No lives were lost.
Harry is safe. You're safely back home with me. Nothing but that matters. This is the best
outcome for tonight. And it all happened because of your brilliant mind."

"I did the best I could, Remus," Severus whispered.

"You did everything you could," Remus answered back, kissing Severus' temple. His lips
lingering on his soft hair for just a moment. Remus then shifted himself again, letting his
sock-covered feet rest back on the wooden floor. Rubbing his cold hands together to create
some warmth. The flames in the jar were starting to die out.

Severus moved his gaze back to the view of the frozen lake in front of them. His eyes were
still haunted with guilt, despite Remus' words of comfort, and Remus didn't say anything
more to convince Severus that what he had done tonight was indeed the only way… Severus
would just have to come to terms with it on his own and forgive himself.

And only to break the silence that was edging its way back to them, Remus asked, "How is
Molly doing?"

"She's going to be okay," Severus answered back. "The Weasleys are planning on rebuilding
their home first thing tomorrow morning. Arthur wants it done as soon as possible, I think to
assure Molly and his youngest kids that everything is going to be okay… Right now, he and
his older sons, along with Albus and some of the Order are putting up new wards."

"It's so late… They should all get some rest."

"I know, but the last thing they need is Death Eaters swarming their property again."

Then Severus looked at Remus with an eyebrow raised. "Tonks told me you invited her over
tomorrow to help you put up stronger wards on the cabin and for it to recognize her magical
signature?" Severus' lip curled with distaste.

"I want this to be a safe place for her too. She's my best friend, Severus," Remus could only
say with exasperation.

Severus only huffed with annoyance, but he didn't say anything more about it. However the
mention of Tonks left the air between them tense. Remus pulled Severus into his arms,
hoping to diffuse the tension. There was nothing to be jealous about, but he didn't say
anything more. It would just start another conversation that could easily turn into an
argument, and Remus didn't really have the energy for it and he was sure Severus didn't
either. They were both exhausted.

He placed a gentle kiss on Severus' lips then said, "I'm still so relieved that you're back, that
you're safe. For a moment there I really was afraid you wouldn't return."

"I'll always come back to you," Severus said softly in return. The dying blue flames in the
bell jar were still reflecting in his eyes. Severus' lips had felt cold, so Remus decided to warm
them up with another kiss…and another…and another, until the annoyance and tension on
Severus' face faded away, and he wrapped his arms around Remus' waist. His tongue seeking
entrance into Remus' mouth….

And Remus wanted to let him in… He wanted to… He needed to taste Severus. To get lost in
him, in the feel of him, the taste of him, the smell of him… To melt into his kiss that would
make Remus forget everything… That would make him feel breathless and dizzy as if he
were spinning in circles….

But Severus had placed a gentle hand on the side of Remus' face, holding him steady as they
kissed. Severus' fingers caressing his cheek and chin, and it instantly brought Rowan back to
the forefront of Remus' mind. Severus' soft touch turned into tight fingers with sharp nails
that scraped and made his skin sting. Gripping him so hard, he couldn't move his head. The
way those red-tinted eyes looked him up and down, a predatory dominating gleam that made
Remus shudder with horror and disgust, made him want to suddenly be sick. The wolf inside
of him growled from the emotions, becoming agitated. And the stink of blood and a body
order that one could only get from roughing it out in the wilderness, hit Remus' nostrils. And
Remus could suddenly feel those sharp fangs piercing into his neck… The rotted, warm
breath… The power Remus felt in that bite… And Greyback watching with a smile and his
eyes glittering with an evil satisfaction… So close to getting what he wants… A leader of
monsters… Remus felt his bandaged wound begin to throb from the tension of his muscles.

He shuddered again with disgust, horror and fear, pulling away from Severus in a blind panic
and suddenly he was sick all over the floor.

"Remus!" Severus gasped. "Fuck! Shit… Just let it all out, darling…" And he didn't ask any
questions or say anything more, except for a few sweet murmurs of encouragement while
rubbing slow and comforting circles on Remus' back.

And when Remus had finally emptied his stomach, and all he could do was dry-heave,
Severus summoned a cup of water and a handkerchief. "Just drink this slowly," he said.

Remus took the offerings, silently doing as told. The water rinsed out his mouth, and it
brought him back a bit, steadying his head and his stomach.

Meanwhile, Severus banished his vomit from the floor and stood up, grabbing the wine bottle
and dumping the rest of its contents out into the snow. Maroon against the sparkling white.

"I should've gotten rid of this right away this morning." Severus' voice was laced with guilt.

Remus wiped his face with the handkerchief and cleared his throat, his voice coming out
raspy, "No, I should've been stronger."

"Remus, you can't just quit drinking overnight. It's going to take time… And besides, we both
know it wasn't the wine that made you sick…"

And Remus didn't have anything to say to that.

"Come on, let's get you inside," Severus said, helping him up.
.

The warmth of the cabin washed over Remus as he and Severus entered the cabin. He hadn't
realized how cold he was from sitting outside for so long until that moment. Severus closed
the door behind him, Remus turned to see his nose and cheeks were flushed from the sudden
warmth, and Remus was sure his own face looked flushed as well. He eyed the coat rack,
nervously pulling the scarf closer to his neck.

Severus saw that, and he stood before him, tilting Remus' head up with a finger under his
chin and an arm around his waist, pulling him forward. Remus found himself gazing into
those dark eyes that he had fallen in love with. They searched for him with an intensity of
concern and love in their depths. And Remus felt terrible for not being able to fully confide in
Severus tonight, in not being able to tell him what made him sick. Remus was the one who
said no walls tonight. And Severus agreed, opening up and talking to Remus about his
terrible day, yet Remus couldn't do the same. He couldn't tear down his wall and talk to
Severus about what happened between him and Rowan, and what it meant….

"You really didn't go into detail about what happened between you, Greyback and the other
werewolf…" Severus said softly. "Is that what's going on in your head, what made you so
sick? Did our kissing trigger you somehow?"

Remus could only shake his head. "Severus…" but his voice died in his throat. A lump began
to form. I'm meant to be one of them now, Remus so much wanted to say but couldn't. Wild
and bloodthirsty werewolves… Hunting humans like prey… A leader to such monsters… How
do I even begin to explain this all to you? To tell you what I really am now? A wolf among
humans… An Alpha… A leader of such blood driven monsters… And the wretchedness and
disgust that Remus felt for himself was suddenly overwhelming, he began to feel nauseous
again, his stomach churning as if he were to be sick again.

And the only thing that kept him grounded was Severus. He let go of Remus' chin and
wrapped both arms around him, holding him, leaning his forehead against Remus' own. "Hey,
no walls, remember?" Severus whispered. The soft strands of his dark hair tickled Remus'
cheeks. Remus wrapped his own arms around Severus' waist and back, hugging him back just
as tightly as Severus was holding onto Remus.

"Remus, darling… I can see how much you're shaken by those werewolves. I can see the
shock of it in your eyes, the fear… Just know that you're safe here in my arms." Severus
pulled Remus even closer, as if to emphasize his words. Remus felt his heart suddenly
pounding against his chest that was pressed up against Severus. The warmth of him, and his
scent. Severus smelled like the frosty air outside. It was refreshing. "You don't have to talk
about what happened just yet. It's late and we're both tired. I'll give you time, darling, I'll give
you space…until you're ready… But please, just let me check your wound. Don't hide it from
me. I won't see you any differently if that's what you're worried about. I'll never see you as
theirs… You are mine, you belong with me. And you're human. Let me love you, Remus, let
me take care of you."
Remus lifted up an arm and threaded his fingers into Severus' hair, tucking a lock of hair
behind his ear, gazing into Severus' solemn face before pulling him into a deep kiss. He
wanted to show Severus that he was going to be okay…even if he didn't feel okay tonight, in
the moment… Remus just didn't want Severus to worry about him. And Severus was right,
what he said made Remus feel a bit better, like maybe, not all was lost… He had Severus to
help him through this… Severus who said he would never see Remus as a dark creature, but
just human… Remus had to hold on to that, trust him on that, believe in that… And perhaps
tomorrow or even in the next few days, when time has passed for the shock and fear of the
night to fade away enough for Remus to find the strength to read the old books and wrap his
head around being the true leader of Greyback's pack, the forced mating bond between
himself and Rowan, then maybe Remus would be able to tell Severus everything, and they
could figure out what do about it together.

And once the kiss between them ended, Remus took a deep breath and stepped away, sitting
on one of the sofas.

Severus followed, sitting beside him.

"I think it may be infected…" Remus admitted as he took off the scarf, noticing the red stain
on the green and silver fabric. Remus frowned at it.

"Merlin, it's bleeding through the bandage!" Severus exclaimed, his voice high with concern.
"May I take a look?" he then asked.

Remus nodded, the movement caused the bite to burn again. He kept his gaze on the blood-
stained scarf, and he didn't know why but he felt his body shaking.

"You're okay, darling," Severus said softly, brushing the hair out of Remus' eyes. "Remember,
you're human, okay? This bite won't change who you are or how I perceive you."

Remus could only look at him, his body still trembling as he watched Severus summon the
first-aid kit from their bathroom, then sanitize his hands.

"I'm going to take the bandage off, are you ready?" Severus asked with a calm voice.

Remus took another deep breath, trying to calm himself down. "Ready as I'll ever be," he
managed to say.

Severus peeled the bandage off slowly, the cold air stinging the torn up flesh, causing Remus
to flinch. "I'm sorry, wolf," Severus muttered as he assessed the wound. "Merlin, it does look
infected…nasty bruises too… What's your pain level?"

"About a six or seven," Remus grimaced.

"Okay, if the inflammation doesn't go down by tomorrow or the next day, do you mind if we
can get Poppy to take a look at it?" Severus' voice was calm, yet Remus could hear the worry
in his voice, the distraught of Remus being hurt by another werewolf this way… And his
eyes were burning with those icy-cold flames once again.
"You're angry?" Remus asked as he lifted his head up as Severus gently dabbed at the wound.

"Yes, but not at you. I'm angry at that fucking werewolf."

"His name was Rowan. I've never seen him before until tonight."

"I don't care who the fuck he is, but I'll make sure he bloody pays for this," Severus growled.

Remus didn't say anything more as Severus continued to clean up the wound and rebandage it
after a few failed attempts with some healing charms. He then gave Remus a potion to drink.

"To fight off any infection in your bloodstream," Severus said as he began to clean everything
up.

Remus thanked him and took the potion and handed Severus the empty phial. Severus took it
and handed him another potion. "It's a Calming Draught." Remus took that as well, right
away feeling the effects of it, ceasing the shaking of his body.

With his wound feeling loads better, Remus' eyes then drifted to the hallway, to Harry's
closed door.

"Severus?" Remus said. "Try opening Harry's door. Remember how it opened just for you the
last time he locked me out of his room? Do you think that'll happen again?"

"I hope so…" Severus only said with a frown. He placed a kiss on Remus' temple before
getting up and walking swiftly towards the door.

Remus followed after him, hesitant on the slight chance of Harry being awake and Remus not
being welcomed in his room so soon after their argument. Severus turned the doorknob,
pushing it open then glanced back at Remus. They exchanged a look of surprise. Severus
then opened the door all the way, and they found Harry curled up under his blankets in bed,
fast asleep. Remus then spotted Harry's dirty clothes from running in the field and marshes in
a stinky pile on the floor.

At the sight of his sleeping cub safe in bed, Remus let out a sigh of relief. The argument
between him and Harry echoed in his head, the words they threw at each other cut through
Remus like a sharp blade.

Remus really hoped that Harry didn't truly believe what he said… That he didn't have a
soul… That Remus was forgetting Sirius because of Severus… Remus knew Harry couldn't
believe any of that nonsense, and if he did, then Remus was going to change that…
Hopefully in the morning he would be willing to talk again after hours of rest and seeing that
Severus was back home, safe and unharmed.

Severus crept quietly towards Harry, careful not to wake him. He sat on the edge of the bed,
causing it to dip down a bit from his weight. Remus stayed by the door frame, only watching.

Severus gestured for Remus to join him, but he only shook his head, just in case the door
would magically shut him out. He didn't think he could bear it if that happened.
Severus only shrugged and turned towards Harry, gently pushing back the messy black hair
from his eyes. Harry didn't stir at all from Severus' touch, just continued to snore heavily.

"He's knocked out," Severus whispered, a small smile ghosting his lips.

"The adrenaline must've caught up to him," Remus whispered back as he pulled out his wand
and banished Harry's dirty clothes to the laundry room. Then casted another spell to freshen
up the air inside the room. He reminded himself to take care of them along with his own
muddy clothes and their shoes tomorrow morning.

Remus then turned his attention back to Severus who was gently checking Harry's forearms
for any signs of self-harm. "No cuts. That spell of yours really is useful."

Remus nodded at the compliment.

Severus bent down, leaving a kiss on Harry's head, then pulled the covers up closer to him.

Remus shot his wand at the top of the wardrobe.

"Accio old werewolf books," he whispered. In a cloud of dust, the books zoomed towards
him. Remus was ready to catch them, suppressing a sneeze.

Severus joined him again at the door, giving him a quizzical look, his eyes traveling down to
the books in Remus' arms.

"I'll explain later," was all Remus said.

"You and Harry are going to be okay," Severus whispered to Remus in the darkness of their
room.

They were laying in bed. Severus was spooning Remus from behind, holding him close to his
chest with an arm loosely wrapped around Remus' torso. His fingers rubbing slow lazy
circles on the curve of Remus' waist and stomach, causing his sweater to ride up a bit. Remus
could feel Severus' warm breath on the back of his neck as he spoke, causing him to shiver.
He knew Severus was referring to his hesitation on entering Harry's room.

"I've had plenty of fights with him…bad ones… We've both said so many hurtful things to
each other, yet, look at us now, Remus, Harry and I are still very close… We still love each
other. You and Harry will get through this… Things will be better between you two in the
morning, darling, I promise you that…"

"I know you're right, love…" Remus muttered, placing a few soft kisses on Severus' arm, the
one that was tucked under his head like a pillow.

In return, Severus began to plant a few kisses on the back of Remus' shoulder, then trailed
kisses to the back of his neck, carefully avoiding the bandaged bite-wound, then to the soft
skin behind Remus' ear.

Bloody hell, Remus hoped Severus was right on that…

Tears burned the back of his eyes and he closed them tight, willing for them to go away,
focusing on the soft warm kisses against his skin, Severus' sweet breath in his ear.

"Are you okay, wolf?" Severus muttered between kisses.

"I can't hide anything from you can I?" Remus asked as he turned on his back to look at him.

Severus stared down at him in the dark. With Remus' enhanced vision in the dark, he could
see the worry that was clouding Severus' eyes, the crease between his eyebrows.

"Stop worrying about me, I'll be okay. You're right… Everything will look better in the
morning."

Severus only sighed and settled beside him, tucking Remus into him. "I will," Severus
muttered into Remus. "But only if you get some sleep."

"Deal…" Remus whispered. "I love you, Severus…"

"I love you too, my darling…" Severus' deep voice rumbled in his chest.

Remus sighed, making himself comfy, enjoying the warmth and the comfort of Severus
wrapped around him as he fell into the heavy darkness of sleep, where Severus' sweet and
loving caresses unfortunately couldn't follow him…and Remus fell into nightmares….
 We Were Written In The Stars

Chapter Twenty-Two - We Were Written In The Stars

Severus held Remus close to him long after he'd felt Remus' body grow heavy and limp from
sleep. He buried his face into him, placing gentle kisses on the crook of his neck, his cheeks,
tasting the saltiness of drying tears on his skin.

Stop worrying about me… That's what Remus had insisted to Severus just before falling
asleep in his arms, but Severus could never stop worrying for him, especially after what had
happened tonight.

His mind was still reeling over it all, and Severus tried to shake it all away, every thought and
memory of the night, but they still skirted the edges of his subconsciousness. He really
needed to get some sleep, dawn wasn't far off.

And with a bit of regret, Severus gently let go of Remus, that way he could make himself
comfortable enough to fall asleep as well. And he tried… Severus tried really hard to fall
asleep, but it just wouldn't come to him.

His body felt battered and sore from the healed wounds on his back, from sitting so long
beside the Dark Lord, not daring to move a muscle. Severus turned around with an inward
groan, a massage or a good stretch might just do the trick, or maybe even a muscle relaxant
potion. But Severus was too tired to get up and do any of those things. He turned himself
over again, trying to find a more comfortable position and when he finally found one, he
closed his eyes, and instantly, the memories broke through the edges of his subconscious,
flashing behind his eyes, turning into dreams as Severus began to finally feel himself drift off
into a light and uneasy sleep.

Nagini slithering by Severus' feet as he sat by the Dark Lord, still as a statue, his facial
expression as cold and hard as stone. Red eyes watching him, waiting… Severus playing the
role of the Dark Lord's perfect little spy… Nagini's scales reflecting off the gleaming marble
floor… Another test of loyalty that Severus must pass if he wanted to leave that place alive…
The Death Eaters finally returning, ending the test… Greyback and another werewolf beside
him, his fangs dripping with blood… Someone's been bitten! Stay still… Don't break your
mask… Remain indifferent, he's still watching… Cold as stone, unbreakable and strong and
very, very cold… He's watching… He's watching….

Severus forced himself awake with fear and anger and disgust rushing through him, making
him almost want to be just as sick as Remus was hours earlier, spewing everything out from
his stomach onto the porch. The nausea overtook Severus for a few moments, and when it
finally passed, the first coherent thoughts in his mind were of him realizing that the
unfamiliar werewolf he saw before he'd left the meeting was Rowan, and the blood dripping
from his fangs had been Remus'...

Severus' nausea returned.

He hadn't known that at the time, and the realization of it sent an icy-cold chill down Severus'
spine. It was fear…stomach-churning fear and disgust.

He quickly and gently turned on his side, so that he was facing Remus again. Severus
watched him sleep, counting his boyfriend's gentle breaths until his fear and disgust began to
fade a bit, becoming more manageable to deal with. Watching Remus, knowing he was safe
in bed, it helped.

The light of the moon washed over Remus, allowing Severus to just make out the finger-
shaped bruising along his chin and jawline. They had already begun to fade a bit from the
bruising balm Severus had rubbed into them.

And Severus remembered with an ache in his heart how he'd found Remus asleep on the
porch swing with a less than half empty wine bottle in his hands.

Severus let out a deep sigh. Really, how could he not worry for Remus? It was clear that he
was in shock from Rowan's attack, drinking, being sick, unable to talk about it with Severus.

How would Rowan's assault affect Remus now? What did the mating bite even mean, what
did it imply for him and Rowan? Remus hadn't really gone into much detail about it, and
Severus hadn't heard of it before. Why was Greyback so obsessed with Remus? Would he
ever be free of Greyback, how could he be after all this? This seemed to tie Remus closer to
Greyback than ever before, and this time, Rowan, this stranger, was a part of it now. Who the
fuck was this werewolf? And what was the fucking purpose to all of this? Severus had so
many questions, so many that only Remus could answer for him, and yet, Severus knew he
couldn't push him, recalling again how reluctant Remus was to talk about it with him. Why
can't he just talk to me? The rejection had stung Severus, but he also understood and he knew
he just had to be patient.

But patience was never one of Severus' strongest qualities. He turned on his back, his
anxieties and worries and never-ending questions filling his brain to the brim, leaving him so
wide awake and restless, that he didn't even feel tired anymore. He had to get out of bed.

Severus turned back to face Remus again, making sure he was still soundly asleep and had
not been woken by all of Severus' tossing and turning. His eyes traveled from the steady rise
and fall of Remus' chest to the books sitting on the nightstand behind him. Remus had taken
those books from his old bedroom and didn't say a word about them to Severus. Full of
curiosity, Severus carefully reached over Remus and took the books, tucking them under his
arm as he quietly climbed out of bed.

Severus made himself comfortable on the carpeted wooden floor in front of the fireplace, that
way he could see the ancient yellowing pages with help from the dim glow of the flames.

These books were very old, more than old, more than ancient. Severus hated to think that the
leathery covers could be some type of skin of either animal or human. He cringed at the
thought. And they smelled strongly of moldy pages and were caked in a layer of dust.

Severus dusted them off, causing himself to violently sneeze… Bloody hell… He looked back
to see if Remus was still sound asleep. And when a moment passed of no movement from
him, Severus recomposed himself and read the titles that were carved into the thick leather.

The Beast Within: Revelations from the Dark Ages

The Forbidden Rites of the Wolf: A Terrifying Insight into the World of the Ancient Lycans

There were no authors, no dates to when these books were published.

The shadows from the flames in the grate danced across the covers, giving the books a more
sinister and eerie look to them. Severus suddenly didn't want to open them, but he knew he
had to. They might hold some of the answers to his questions, and so he flipped through the
pages, ignoring his second thoughts on looking through these books without Remus, the
feeling in his gut that these books shouldn't ever be opened.

These books went into great detail on the history of the first werewolves and the packs they'd
formed. The history of their curse and of their oldest traditions, the way they'd hunted, the
way they'd lived amongst each other, separate from normal civilization and how it all came to
be. These ancient werewolves were not at all like the ones today living in small colonies in
rural areas. These ancient werewolves hunted humans for not only food, but for sport, for
recruitment where children were preferred; the younger the better.

Severus found himself reading a passage that explained the side effects to the werewolves
that consumed human flesh… It caused them to lose themselves to the wolf spirits that were
attached to their souls. Dark spirits that craved human blood and when they consumed it, it
allowed the wolf to take over their soul so that the werewolf would be almost one with them.
These wolf spirits were nothing more than dark entities, a far cry from the normal animal.
And when a werewolf was attuned to their wolf spirit, they've lost themselves, and it made
their eyes glow red, red as the blood they spilled from their human prey, made them crave
human flesh when it wasn't even a full-moon, making them the darkest of creatures…
cannibals….

Most packs that only hunted animals were even known to have a reddish tint to their golden
irises, simply for allowing their wolf spirits to hunt, for craving raw animal flesh, allowing
their wolf spirits to have a bit of control when it wasn't a full-moon.

And reading that, Severus realized just how pure and golden Remus' eyes always were when
his wolf spirit was at his surface, never a trace of red, always keeping the wolf controlled…
except… Except for the night Remus held Greyback in his jaws, all he had to do was bite
down hard to deal the death blow. His eyes were tinted red that night for the first time, and
why was that? What was it that caused it? Was it because Remus was losing control? Or
something more sinister?

Severus suddenly had a terrible feeling in his gut, as he stared at the pages, deep in thought...

Greyback was the leader to his pack, an alpha, according to the books. What would it mean if
he were almost killed by another werewolf of lesser rank than him? Would that cause
anything to happen? Like…like… Severus thought about normal wolf packs in the wild and
how alphas would get challenged by younger males for leadership. The ancient werewolf
packs lived mostly like wolf packs, could that form of appointed leadership be applied to
them as well? Severus wondered if magic would have anything to do with it. The texts
seemed to talk about it a lot. An ancient power from the moon that controlled them.
Greyback's pack was known to be the most dangerous pack in all of Britain, why was that?
Severus realized it was because they must follow these traditions, live like the ancient
werewolves, making them powerful and dangerous. The reason why Greyback's eyes glowed
red while Remus' own were pure and golden. Would that ancient magic have anything to do
with Remus' suddenly red-tinted eyes that night? A leadership changing… Severus never did
see Remus' eyes glow red like that again, did that mean anything?

Severus flipped back to the chapter on pack hierarchy, specifically on alphas. He read the
text… A wolf becomes the new alpha of the pack after defeating the current alpha. It has to
be to the death or be almost brought down by the killing blow… The leadership will switch
over, and no matter what, the pack must be ruled by the new alpha…even if they'd despised or
shown previous disapproval towards the new alpha… This can't be reversed in any way… An
old type of magic that runs deep in the pack, binding them together…until the next fight for
power….

Severus kept rereading that passage over and over until his eyes blurred. He kept seeing the
images of Remus holding Greyback between his jaws, so close to death. Just one more bite.
The killing blow. Red-tinted eyes… Greyback would've died if it wasn't for Severus. He was
supposed to die…but it was still enough for his leadership to transfer over to Remus….

Holy fuck! Severus almost said it out loud. Did Greyback's bloodthirsty leadership really
transfer over to Remus that night?!

Is this why he couldn't talk to me?

Remus must've been feeling so ashamed and inhuman. How long did he know about this?
Did it just occur to him tonight? It would explain the shock he was in…the drinking…the
vomiting….his moody behavior….

Severus remembered how it had taken a lot of convincing from himself to get Remus to let
Greyback go that night. Remus wasn't just losing himself to darkness, Severus realized.
Remus was losing himself to the ancient magic, binding him as alpha to Greyback's pack.

Severus flipped through the pages, wondering how accurate these books were. He wondered
again if it was the ancient magic binding him as the new alpha to Greyback's pack that
Remus had lost himself to that night or was it just the darkness of revenge, of wanting to kill
Greyback for everything he had done to him, for taking Harry and hurting him. Remus had
taken the Wolfsbane Potion before the full-moon rose that night, meaning he still had a good
percentage of his human mind, he had a bit of sense of what he was doing that night. Had he
felt it happening? The ancient magic coursing between himself and Greyback, did he know
and had forgotten it due to being severely injured after the fight?

And the gut-clenching instinct that he shouldn't be reading these books without Remus'
consent shot through Severus once more. His theories on Remus' red eyes could still be
wrong. There was a high chance that these books were outdated. He didn't want to be forming
his own conclusions until Remus had the chance to explain it all, but Severus couldn't stop
going through the books, turning each page with shaking hands and it wasn't until Severus
came across an illustration that was so heavily detailed and disturbing, it made him feel sick
to the stomach and he instantly shut the book close with a loud snap. These books… Where
did Remus get them?

Soft whimpering suddenly broke Severus' thoughts. He snapped his head back, his eyes
landing on the sleeping form of Remus in the bed behind him. Severus stilled, waiting for
another sign of Remus possibly waking. It was silent, and just when Severus was about to
believe that Remus was still asleep, another soft cry rang throughout the quiet bedroom.

Severus stood up and placed the books back on the nightstand. He then lit a lantern into a dim
setting so that Remus wouldn't wake up in the darkness of the bedroom. He gently climbed
back into the bed as another soft whimper rang out from a suddenly tossing and turning
Remus. Severus gathered him in his arms, softly shushing him. In the dim lighting, Severus
could just make out Remus' twitching, closed eyelids. Tears were streaming down his cheeks
and his mouth was set in a deep and trembling frown. Remus wasn't waking up, he was just
crying in his sleep, trapped in nightmares.

"I've got you, baby, you're in my arms," Severus whispered, caressing the side of Remus'
face, wiping away the tears that were falling, only for them to be replaced by new ones.
Severus could feel his warm body trembling in his arms. Remus let out another soft cry. It
pained Severus to see his boyfriend in such a state, and he cursed those fucking werewolves
under his breath for causing this.

"Remus, darling, wake up," Severus muttered softly again in his ear, gently kissing his soft
lobe. Tears continued to stream down, trailing into Remus' neck and around his ears. "Wake
up, now, darling. You're only dreaming."

"No…no…nooo…" Remus gasped out, his voice slurring from sleep. "He's watching…he's
watching…"

Severus wiped more tears away, then began to rub slow steady circles on Remus' back,
muttering softly, "Come on now, baby…wake up…wake up…you're alright…"

"No…no…watching…watching…" Remus whimpered.

"No one is here but me and you. Wake up, darling. I'm here, I'm here…wake up…"

And it was like that for a few moments until Remus finally opened his eyes which were at
first, blurry with confusion and sleep. And when he caught Severus' eyes peering worriedly
down at him, the blurriness faded away and Remus covered his face with his hands and
bursted into a heart-wrenching sob. And all Severus could do was just hold him, whispering
sweet nothings into his ear followed with gentle kisses.

"I'm so sorry… I'm so sorry for worrying you…" Remus choked out once the sobs ceased and
he was able to regain his breath.

"Don't be," Severus whispered. "Don't you ever be sorry for having a good cry. It was all just
dreams you were having… You were always safe with me."
"Dream or not, he's always watching me… No matter where I run or hide… He'll always find
me."

Severus didn't have to ask who Remus was referring to.

"You're stronger than Greyback. You're better than him and you always will be. Try not to let
him get to you. It's what he wants, don't give him the satisfaction. Remember, you've beaten
him once, you can always do it again."

And with Severus' own words, he couldn't help but think of his discovery of Remus possibly
being the new alpha to Greyback's pack, a pack of cannibalistic werewolves. He stifled a
shudder at the thought of his wolf being a leader to such monsters. He didn't want Remus to
know that he knew, it would only make him angry and Severus didn't want to argue with
Remus when he was feeling so vulnerable. How could this beautiful man in his arms ever be
linked to something as terrible and dark as that pack? Severus held Remus tighter.

Remus huffed out a frustrated sigh, wiping away his tears with the sleeve of his sweater. His
body was still trembling against Severus.

"I'm being silly…" Remus' voice was muffled as he spoke, burrowing his face into Severus.
"Look at me, I'm a mess. I apologize, my love…"

"Don't apologize," Severus muttered against him, moving aside his golden hair and kissing
his neck.

"I guess I'll feel much better once we've updated the wards on the cabin. Tonks and I…we
were sitting on the back porch, talking about the cabin. I think Greyback might've overheard
us."

That caused Severus to pull his lips away from Remus' warm skin and look down at him with
furrowed eyebrows. "What happened?" he asked with concern, desperately hoping that this
might be the moment when Remus was going to start telling him everything, no longer
leaving Severus stuck pondering on theories he wasn't completely sure of yet.

Remus pulled away just a bit so Severus could see his face. "Just before the attack happened,
I sensed someone watching us. I had just caught a gleam of his fangs, his red eyes, a faint
trace of his scent all at once, just as Bellatrix appeared. I barely even had time to react. I don't
know how long he was there, what he heard between us…"

"What did you and the witch talk about?"

"Nothing too important, just on…" Remus' face reddened, Severus could see the blush even
in the dim lighting. "You were right, Severus. Tonks did have a crush on me and she was
upset…" Severus snorted at that. Remus rolled his eyes and continued, "She was upset that
the song we sang at Slughorn's Christmas party wasn't for her. We'd spent so much time
together writing it… I don't blame her, really… Thankfully we spoke of nothing else, like
you and Harry for example, the adoption is still a secret."

"Good… I never had a doubt that you would carelessly mention that to the witch."
"The witch's name is Tonks," Remus sighed with annoyance.

Severus ignored him. "First thing tomorrow, we'll work on the wards together. And those
blasted werewolves would have to get through them and me if they should fancy themselves
a visit."

"Well, I've sort of told Tonks to come over tomorrow so she can help out with that,
remember?"

"Oh, bloody hell!" Severus scowled, his voice tinged with annoyance.

"Severus, my love… Your jealousy is showing."

Severus scoffed at that and pulled Remus closer to him again, enjoying the warmth and
softness of his body so near his own. Remus wrapped his own arms around Severus, burying
his face into the crook of Severus' neck. He could feel Remus' warm, sweet breath against
him, causing Severus to shiver just a bit.

"As long as she doesn't steal you away from me," Severus muttered against Remus' temple,
then leaving a lingering kiss. His hair smelled like shampoo and sweat, intoxicating and
sweet.

Remus reached up and captured Severus in a tender and slow kiss that began to grow more
and more intense. Remus' tongue dancing inside Severus' mouth, causing his stomach to flip.
Severus gripped Remus by the hips.

Merlin's beard… This werewolf was driving Severus mad. He felt his pants growing a bit
tighter among his nether regions.

Remus pulled away with a smirk, causing Severus to let out a small moan of protest. He
wanted to keep kissing Remus until the end of time.

"Does that show you how much you mean to me? Can you feel how much I love you when I
kiss you like that?" Remus crooned. Severus was unable to answer him back, he could feel
Remus' warm breath on his face as he continued, "You should never have to worry about me
being stolen away by young witches."

Still unable to find his voice, admiring Remus in the dim lighting of their room, those hazel
eyes dilated with passion and heat and want… The same things that were probably in
Severus' own eyes as well. And all Severus could do was kiss Remus as an answer, capturing
those soft lips with his own, pushing against them with his tongue and tasting him. Remus let
out a barely audible moan that vibrated against their mouths.

And during those precious moments, Severus finally stopped thinking about his troubles. He
felt himself getting lost in the scents of chocolate and tea and well-loved books, of Remus'
shampoo and sweat mixed together. Severus could never tire of the scent. It was like a drug,
addicting and impossible to live without it once he had a taste of it. He found his body finally
relaxing, melting into Remus, so very soft and warm and sweet. The feel of his wool sweater,
the softness of his skin…the way it felt to hold him so very, very close…and the taste of
him….

And not breaking their kiss, Severus managed to move himself flat on his back. He placed a
hand under Remus' thigh, pulling him up on top of him. Remus felt so light, as if the stress
and fear he'd endured caused him to lose a few pounds within hours. Their kissing grew
deeper and deeper, full of desperate desire. Perhaps, they both needed to get lost in each other
tonight.

Severus moved his hands underneath Remus' clothes, admiring the softness of his skin and
the occasional bumps from all of his scars… Beautifully flawed… Beautifully scarred…
Scars no one would ever see except for Severus who had the privilege to see them, touch
them, kiss them… How did he get so lucky to be granted such a privilege?

Gliding his hands up and down Remus' torso, Severus trailed a finger down Remus' spine, all
the way down to his lower back and to his butt, cupping the soft cheeks then squeezing it. It
caused Remus to shudder with pleasure and he gave Severus one more hard kiss before
pulling away, straightening himself up so he was straddling Severus. Remus' hazel eyes were
dark and wide. They looked entirely brown. Severus couldn't help but admire them, like
fallen leaves in autumn. Remus pulled off his sweater, snapping Severus out of his daze.
Then his shirt, then he began to pull down Severus' pajama pants and his own as well.

"Remus," Severus whispered. "After everything… Are you sure?"

Remus nodded once, hazel eyes locking onto his own… And in those depths, Severus found
his answer without Remus having to voice it. He wanted to forget everything for just a few
moments. He wanted to get lost in Severus, to just feel nothing but their love for one another,
just like how Severus wanted to get lost in Remus.

"Come here, wolf," Severus whispered.

Remus leant down and kissed him so softly, so different from the desperate and passionate
kisses they'd shared. And Severus felt himself falling for Remus all over again, he let out a
soft moan and Remus smiled against their kiss. Severus could taste his warm breath,
toothpaste and tears and just the taste that could only be described as Remus…

"Am I driving you mad?" Remus whispered against Severus' lips.

"You're always driving me mad," Severus answered back with fervent kisses. Remus let out a
breathy chuckle that only made Severus' kissing grow more intense.

They began to slowly grind against each other, languishing in their deep, passionate kissing
that burned through them like the warmest flames cackling in a fireplace of the coziest home.

Severus felt Remus' gentle and hesitant fingers enclosing around his hard length. The sudden
touch sent bolts of electricity through Severus, causing his heartbeat to increase, as if it were
trying to match its rhythm to the desperate movements against each other.
Both of their breathing quickened, deepening, the only noise in the room. With a glance of
those dilated hazel eyes, Severus broke out in a sweat and he grabbed Remus' hard penis,
working him along with their beats of passion.

And just when he felt himself growing close to climaxing, Severus felt Remus adjusting his
position, his grip loosening for just a moment. Severus closed his eyes, losing himself in his
pleasure. He felt something hot and tight enveloping just the tip of his penis, and Severus
gasped out when he'd realized what Remus was doing and before Severus could react to it,
suddenly Remus' mouth was on his, his tongue shoving into him, desperately claiming him.
All Severus could do was kiss him back, still working Remus as fast and gentle as he could
under such circumstances.

Then the pressure grew to be too much. Remus was panting desperately, sounding undone
against Severus' mouth, and the beautiful sound of it…and he was so warm and tight… Sweet
release came to Severus and he gasped. And Remus knew, he knew and he regained his
breath just in time to give Severus a bruising kiss that was sure to leave both of them with
purple lips, but Severus didn't care… He was seeing the universe, the stars, the fucking
planets aligning behind his closed eyes and he squeezed them tight, and it was all Severus
could do to keep working Remus' own hard, dripping penis until warm liquid began to spill
out, trailing over Severus' hand and Remus collapsed on top of him with a cry that almost
made Severus cum again.

Severus held Remus, his muscles feeling as if they were all spelled into mush. He carded his
fingers through Remus' sweaty hair. "I love you so fucking much, wolf, I never thought… I
never thought I could ever feel this way for someone," he whispered, still out of breath.

Remus smiled. "I love you too, Severus, so very much. Did you like that? I know you haven't
done anything like that before… Was that okay?"

"It was perfect," Severus sighed out with wonder and contentment.

"As if we were written in the stars, you and I," Remus whispered. "Just think how it would
feel, my love, once we're ready…"

And Severus couldn't say anything in return. He was lost in those beautiful dark hazel eyes
and he was falling and falling and falling. He didn't think he could ever stop falling for this
werewolf in his arms. Severus couldn't even put into words what he was feeling at the
moment… His soul was feeling complete and in perfect bliss, the happiest and most
comfortable he'd ever felt with anyone.

His whole life, Severus always felt like there was a wall between him and everyone else. He
couldn't connect with people, and so he hated being around others and they hated being
around him. And when he was young, Severus struggled with that, but then began to accept it
because for some strange reason, he'd always felt like someone was waiting for him before
his life would end. That one person that would know him, complete him, and Severus found
himself always searching, until he'd met Lily. And he had once thought it might've been her,
but she chose another…and then she was gone…and it was never her.
It took a very long time for Severus to accept that he and Lily were never written in the stars,
and Severus was too broken to search anymore for the missing piece of his soul. And now he
was certain that tonight, it was Remus. It was Remus who carried the missing piece all along.
It had been Remus this whole time, right under Severus' nose. The universe was a funny
thing… And it was as Remus had said… He and Severus, they were the ones that were
written in the stars….

"You are the happiness I've been searching for all along," Severus whispered, brushing
golden hair away from hazel eyes.

"Severus…" Remus said, his voice cracking with emotion.

And suddenly shy at his declaration, Severus said quickly before Remus could say anything
else, "Come on, let's get ourselves cleaned up."

Remus slid off of Severus.

Severus quickly cleaned the mess they'd left with a quick charm, then he peered down at
Remus and smiled softly before covering his face with quick and affectionate kisses, causing
Remus to laugh.

Remus' laughter, it's been hours and hours since the last time Severus had heard it. He was
deprived of it, it sang in Severus' ears, ringing out across their dim bedroom. And it was
contagious, Severus realized, because before he knew it, he started laughing as well.

And once their laughter resided, Remus leaned his forehead against Severus' own. His golden
fringe tickled Severus' face. The laughter that was dancing in his eyes just moments ago was
now fading away, and Severus hated to see it go. He could see the exhaustion, he could see
the sadness Remus always carried around with him, hidden and protected.

"Do I make you happy?" Severus whispered.

"You do, love… You do… If I didn't have you or Harry… I would be lost."

"Then talk to me, wolf," Severus whispered. "What's eating away at you, I see it in you…
your depression… I see it all the time when you think I'm not looking. I see it right after your
smile, your laughter, for just a moment it's there… It's always there…"

"I… I don't know, Severus…" Remus' voice shook.

"And I know that something more than Rowan's attack is eating away at you. Just tell me
what is going on. I could never see you as anything like Greyback and Rowan, you are not a
monster. Nothing you do could ever make me see you as one. I see you, Remus. I see you and
you are human."

"Severus…" And Remus' voice sounded so scared and broken.

"I'm here, Remus," Severus said, placing a small and gentle kiss on his lips, a kiss so
achingly different from the desperate passionate ones they'd shared.
Remus melted into it, and Severus knew he had won him over. They pulled apart and Remus
took a deep breath. He was going to finally start talking.

"What do you want me to say?" Remus asked with hesitation.

"Anything, anything that's bothering you."

And then it was quiet between them, their laughter that had rang out in their bedroom was
now just an echo.

Severus watched his boyfriend who had placed his head on Severus' shoulder, trailing his
fingers along the bare skin of Severus' hip. His eyes were far away, distant and lost. A place
where Severus couldn't reach him. This depression that seemed to have its grip on Remus so
tight, he couldn't escape it, no matter how much he wanted to, no matter how hard he'd tried
to be free of it. Tonight had made matters worse, Severus was watching Remus succumb to it
even deeper, despite Remus' past wishes of wanting to be happy, to be healthy… Why
couldn't Greyback just leave Remus alone? And now this possible unwanted leadership, the
mating bite and Rowan; another werewolf that's after Remus now.

Those blasted werewolves fucked up everything!

"Darling…" Severus called to him softly, coaxing Remus out of his thoughts.

Remus pulled away, positioning himself on his side so that he was facing Severus with a
pained expression on his face and in those eyes. The way he was looking at Severus… It
seemed as if he wanted to talk, to confide in him, but everything he wanted to say seemed
trapped inside his head, just like earlier in the living room. Severus resisted the urge to use
Legilimency. He just wanted to know what it was that was keeping Remus from speaking,
wishing there was a way he could help pull Remus out of his own darkness.

"Remus… Please…talk to me…" Severus wasn't one for begging, except when he had to do
it to fake his loyalty to the Dark Lord, but right now…Remus was more important than his
pride.

"I froze…Severus…" Remus choked out. "When I spotted Greyback watching us, I froze and
I'd let Harry slip past me. Then again in the marshes, when the firing ceased, I could feel him
watching me and I froze again when his growl rang out across the clearing. I let him have the
upper hand of the attack. I know I've beaten him once before… I know I'm stronger… I
know… But he still holds power over me and I hate that… I hate it… You must think of me
as weak and pathetic to let such a creature get to me like that."

Severus shook his head. "That's ridiculous, I would never think that of you, you have to know
that."

"Greyback offered the chance for me to join his pack again, in front of everyone… He made
me out like a prized bitch to be won…tried to humiliate me…belittled me in front of our kid
and everyone else… He knew what he was doing. He wanted them to see that I wasn't a part
of them…not human but a monster living among them… And he brought Rowan to remind
me of that and to remind me and everyone of my place… I don't even know him…"
Remus' voice was shaking with shame and fear and anger, speaking so fast he could barely
take a breath.

"It's possible he might be from his pack and an important member too for Greyback to have
chosen him to give me the…"

And suddenly Remus was gasping for air, he stopped his fast explanation and covered his
face with his hands, trying to recollect himself. Severus sat up and placed a gentle hand on
his arm and Remus flinched from the touch. Severus pulled his hand away with alarm, giving
Remus his much needed space.

"Harry was behind me, Severus, he was behind me, just an arm's length away from that
werewolf, anything could've happened! Anything! And so I let Rowan hold me like that,
touch me like that, speak to me like that! I let him! And before I knew it, before I could stop
him, his fangs were sinking into my neck," Remus said from behind his hands. "And I knew
what it was, and it was happening in front of everyone! I could feel Tonks watching
everything in horror. I could feel Harry moving behind me and hear Arthur scolding him to
be still."

Remus stopped speaking, regaining his breath, finally moving his hands away from his face,
and then said in a slightly calmer tone that still sounded so broken and shamed and angry. His
eyes were glistening with unfallen tears. "It was humiliating to be claimed like that…like his
bitch. All I could do was just bloody stand there and let it happen. I could've stopped him. I
could've tried to fight back. I could have, Severus, I had my wand in my hand the entire
time…and Tonks tried to point her wand at Rowan, but I didn't let her… I didn't want him to
hurt her. I didn't want him to notice Harry. I wanted him distracted and the best way to do it
was to let him do what he wanted with me and it was so fucking humiliating… Those short
few seconds with his fangs in my neck…the silence…their horrified stares…me holding onto
Harry's hand, willing him to stay still and silent…the way Rowan touched me in front of
everyone…in front of Harry, oh Merlin, in front of Harry! I let it all happen. I didn't fight
back. I froze, Severus, I froze and I've failed you. I was supposed to keep Harry safe, and he
saw that! He was so close to danger…all because I couldn't stand up to my own blasted
kind!"

And Remus stopped, covering his face with his hands again, trying to regain his breath,
sounding as if he were trying to prevent himself from breaking down and sobbing.

"Remus, can I touch you?"

Remus nodded.

Severus gently pulled Remus into his arms, pulling his hands away from his face so he could
see him. Hazel-green eyes flecked with gold stared back at him, filled with all of that awful
shame and hurt that was spilling out in Remus' voice as he finally, finally talked to Severus.

"You did not fail me. You could never fail me, Remus. You did the best you could, just like
what you've told me earlier about my plan that ended up just putting Harry into danger… You
said, I did the best I could under such stressful circumstances… That goes for you as well.
You did the best you could. No one was hurt, Remus, and no one could fault you for what
that werewolf did to you. Because of you, no one was hurt tonight."

Remus sighed with frustration, yet there was resignation as well. He touched the bandaged
wound and said, "Do you really believe that? Would you look at me the same way, would you
still love me, if you knew what I truly am now?"

Severus didn't hesitate to answer that. He knew what Remus was hinting at, he knew… "Of
course I would, darling, of course." And his answer was very, very true. No matter what
being an alpha to Greyback's pack led Remus to, Severus would still love him just as deeply.
He held Remus tighter, burying his face into him, savoring his scent. He felt Remus hug him
back just as tight.

And would you still love me? Would you still want me? Would you still trust me if you knew of
the task that's wrapped around my neck like a hangman's noose? After everything is said and
done, would you still want me to hold you like this in the early hours of the dawn?

Remus then pulled away just a bit so he could look at Severus again, the fear and readiness to
talk again was shining in his eyes. Finally… Severus thought with relief. He was finally
going to get some answers.

"That fight I had with Greyback in the cellar… I'd defeated him, and now I'm afraid that has
made me the new leader of his pack… I didn't really think of it until the attack last night,"
Remus said, searching Severus' face for any sign of disgust or fear, but Severus wasn't feeling
any of that.

It just made his gut clench with dread and worry for Remus, hearing the confirmation of his
theories.

"Greyback confirmed it by having Rowan give me this bite…this mating bite. I'm positive
this was Greyback's way of assuring that I don't change the pack's way of hunting. And by
doing this, it shows that he desperately still wants me to join his pack, not as beta this time
but as an alpha, even if that means he has to give up his own position. He has no choice but
to stand down or to challenge me again for the possibility of me losing and he becomes
leader again, but instead of doing that… He had Rowan give me a mating bite. It just shows
how badly Greyback wants me, and I don't understand why I'm so special to him, special
enough to let me have his leadership."

Severus thought about that. Remus was powerful for a wizard. He'd seen him do small acts of
non-verbal and wandless magic quite a few times without any difficulty or strain. If Remus
could do that, if he was that powerful as a wizard, then just how powerful could Remus be as
an alpha, with the ancient magic of the moon running alongside the talented magic in his
veins.

"I can see why…" Severus said and he repeated his thoughts to Remus who blushed at the
idea of himself being that powerful.

"The mating bite, how does it affect you as a leader?" Severus asked, encouraging Remus to
keep going. He wanted to know more, so he could figure out a way to help Remus out of this
situation.

"It means that some of my power as an alpha transfers over to Rowan, but that power won't
be complete until I give him my mating bite in return. And if that happens, it would bond us
together to rule the pack. I don't have any intention of doing that, but I've felt his brutal
strength, Severus. I could tell by not just his rugged appearance and stench, but by the
strength of his grip on me. He's been roughing it out in the wild for a long time, he was
probably born in that pack. If he ever forces me to bite him in return, I cannot beat him with
just magic alone. Rowan is just as strong, just as brutal and powerful in strength as I am with
magic."

"I won't let that happen, Remus." Severus promised. "We'll find a way out of this. I won't let
him come near you, Greyback too."

Remus sadly shook his head, averting his eyes away. "How do you not see me as monstrous?
How are you not seeing me the way you used to see me when we were kids? I just told you
that I'm an alpha to a bloodthirsty werewolf pack."

"I could never think of you that way, ever again!" Severus snapped, hating the way that
sounded. Remembering what he read, what the ancient werewolves hunted… Glowing red
eyes… Remembering the blood dripping from Rowan's fangs, Remus' blood…and how bad
the bite wound looked when Remus finally allowed Severus to tend to it.

"Severus, there's a reason why Greyback's eyes glow so red, why Rowan's does as well and
so does the rest of his pack. It is why they are the largest and most feared werewolf pack in
all of Britain. They are cannibalistic. They are known to follow the most sickening and most
ancient traditions. They are not just werewolves, they are true monsters. And… Severus, I'm
a leader to them now."

Remus indicated the books on the nightstand with a nod towards them.

"Dumbledore gave me those long ago. There was a time when I didn't know who'd bitten me.
I didn't know who Greyback was until my father whispered the name to me on his deathbed.
And I wanted to find out everything about the werewolf that changed my life. Dumbledore
gave me those books to help me understand the kind of pack Greyback leads, to understand
what kind of monster he is and the kind of werewolves that still exist.

And reading those books, I could never live like that…be like that, hunt like them… The
books were so disgusting, so horrifying, that they made me sick just reading them and I've
hidden them away for so long, until now… I want to be wrong about everything. I want to be
wrong. I don't want this burden. I remember reading some of what I'm telling you, but I'm
still hoping I'm wrong. I have to read them again…to be sure… That's why it was so hard to
tell you all of this. I was afraid you might see me differently as I see myself…a part of that
pack…a leader of monsters… And I'd let it all happen… I just stood there…frozen…like a
fucking coward…like a submissive bitch letting myself get marked for mating! How
disgusting!"

"Remus, enough! Stop talking about yourself like that," Severus said with a stern voice.
Remus just kept going, sounding out of breath."I just wanted to read the books first, to
understand more… I apologize for shutting you out. I don't mean to keep hurting you by
being distant!"

"No, darling, stop… Stop apologizing, stop speaking so lowly of yourself like that. I could
never see you as what you're saying about yourself. Can't you see that no matter what has
happened, it was all out of your control and you could never be like those werewolves. You
could never be as dark and monstrous as them. You have too much goodness in you, Remus,
too much to ever be lost in that sort of way." Severus placed his hand gently onto Remus'
chest, just over his beating heart. "This is what makes you different from them…this…right
here. I still see you as you, I still see you as human, and I will keep reminding you of that
over and over until you start to see yourself that way again."

Remus bowed his head down, looking at Severus' hand pressed against his chest. Severus
could feel his heart beating.

"But how could you still want me?" Remus' voice shook at those words. "I'll never escape
them now…"

"I'll always want you…" Severus said, laying back down, pulling Remus to him. "Always,
my darling. No matter what. Remember what you've said, we were written in the stars, you
and I."

Severus was granted a sweet kiss.

"Besides, you didn't ask for any of this, it was all forced upon you. And you said so yourself
that none of it is finalized yet until you return the mating bite to Rowan. You don't have to do
anything you don't want to do. You can just leave them leaderless, leave Rowan mateless, and
perhaps that would make the pack fall apart. Greyback fucking deserves that," Severus
growled the last part.

Remus snuggled close to Severus. He yawned, "You're right, Severus."

"We'll look through those books together. We'll redo the wards on the cabin, and once we
return to Hogwarts, you'll be safe from Greyback and Rowan. They can't watch you there."

They didn't speak much more after that, except a few sweet exchanges of affection and stolen
kisses. Severus watched Remus fall back to sleep, his mind reeling with everything Remus
had finally revealed to him.

Greyback and Rowan, those blasted werewolves better be praying this very second that they
would never cross paths with Severus, because Severus wasn't sure if he would be able to
restrain himself from using the unforgivables on them for hurting Remus.

And sleep eventually came for Severus in the last few hours when the birds began to chirp,
just before the sun started to rise.

Every so often, more soft cries and whimpers would come from Remus, tossing and turning
from endless nightmares. And in his own light sleep, Severus would reach out, searching for
Remus' hand and squeezing it until he calmed down, letting him know that Severus was there
beside him, that Remus was safe and not alone and Greyback and Rowan weren't watching
him.
 Starting Over
Chapter Summary

Enjoy your Saturday read! I hope you guys don't mind that I’m posting everyday. I know
my chapters are long and I’m not even sure if anyone is reading this story anymore haha

Chapter Twenty-Three - Starting Over

Harry awoke earlier than usual. The sun was barely starting to rise, alighting his bedroom in a
soft golden glow. He kept having dreams last night. Dreams of running through the field,
chasing after Bellatrix, of Remus calling after him, of Severus standing besides Voldemort
that had woken him with raw fear coursing through him.

Harry had laid in bed, trying to calm down, fidgeting with the marker in his hands, but he
must've been so exhausted. He fell back to sleep before he could even think about cutting.
And the dreams were different that time. He had dreams of him and Ginny, and how
awkward it was to be around her now, knowing she was dating Dean Thomas. And dreams of
Draco being so far out of his reach and of the kisses they'd shared. And Harry didn't know
what to make of it, why it happened, what it meant, and what they should do about it, if they
should be doing anything about it… Those thoughts ran through Harry just as he forced
himself awake, laying in bed with them until his room began to shine brighter from the sun.
The sounds of someone moving around in the kitchen finally pulled Harry out of his
thoughts.

Pots and pans clanged on the stove and Harry caught the enticing scents of oatmeal, sausage
and coffee wafting into his bedroom. They made his stomach growl. He was reminded of
how little he ate yesterday evening. The last big meal he had was breakfast yesterday
morning. Another loud growl from his stomach made Harry get up. He crept quietly to the
restroom, his thoughts now going a mile a minute on the events of last night. Severus leaving,
the Burrow and waiting and waiting and waiting. The attack and that strange werewolf who'd
bit Remus' neck. The Burrow being set on fire, and the ugly argument between him and
Remus. Shame coursed through Harry when he remembered that, making his face feel
uncomfortably warm.

When Harry was done with the restroom, he quietly opened the door, wondering if that was
Remus who was cooking. If he went into the kitchen, Harry was sure Remus would want to
talk about last night, and Harry didn't want to face that just yet. He was ashamed and
embarrassed, and he knew he should apologize. He knew what he'd done was wrong. He
shouldn't have said those awful things, especially when he never meant any of it. He was just
caught up in his feelings and had wanted to hurt Remus. But… Remus wasn't a morning
person. He always slept in like Harry often did. The one who always woke up first and had
breakfast going was Severus… Could that mean?
And Harry didn't waste anymore time dwelling on who was in the kitchen. He wrenched open
the bathroom door, it slammed open with a bang against the wall as he sprinted to the
kitchen. And he was right… It was Severus who was standing by the stove over a boiling pot
of oatmeal, stirring its contents.

"Harry, what did I say about slamming doors and running in the house?"

But Harry didn't listen, he threw himself at Severus without a word, embracing his dad into a
tight hug. He felt Severus sigh deeply as he hugged Harry back just as tightly. They stayed in
their embrace for a few moments, not saying anything, and Harry felt so much lighter, so
much better than he had in hours, as if all of his worry and fear, his anger and guilt, had
finally lifted off his shoulders.

Severus was back… He was back home… Everything was okay again….

Severus then pulled Harry out of their embrace and kneeled down to Harry's eye level, his
hands holding Harry by his upper arms, his dark eyes searching for something in his own
eyes. Harry wondered what Severus was looking for.

"Harry, I'll always come back to you. No matter what happens. You're never going to be alone
again."

Harry tried to look away with embarrassment, suddenly reminded of his behavior yesterday.

"No, son, keep looking at me. I want you to understand that no matter what happens, I'll
always find my way back to you, and even if I do die, I'm always going to be with you,
always, and don't forget you have Remus too. He'll always be around for you, and you also
have the Weasleys. They love you as if you're their own child, you know that. You are loved,
Harry. You're never going to be left behind or taken back to the Dursleys, and I'm going to
keep reminding you this over and over. And I'm so sorry, I'm sorry for leaving you like that
yesterday, but I had to, it's my job, but I'm back. I'm here. You won't ever lose me, okay? Do
you understand?"

Severus' voice was so sincere and so comforting. Harry could only nod. He felt his throat
choking up, and he really didn't know why he would react so strongly everytime Severus had
to leave to Voldemort, especially when Severus was capable of taking care of himself. It was
just the fact of Severus leaving, of being in danger, that there was always a slight chance of
him never returning that reminded Harry of the way he'd lost Sirius.

Severus pulled Harry into another hug, muttering softly to him, holding him… "Remember to
trust me, kid. Trust me, I'm not going anywhere. You know that."

"I'm sorry," Harry could only choke out. "I'm sorry I've made it difficult for you."

"It's okay. You were afraid. It's okay to be afraid sometimes."

They ended their embrace. Severus stood back up.

"Harry, Remus told me everything that happened yesterday."

That caused Harry to cringe with embarrassment. Now he knew a Severus Snape lecture was
coming his way.

"Oh, he did?" Harry could only say.

Severus frowned at him, then sighed, "Let's sit down, we need to talk."

Severus checked the boiling pot on the stove, using magic to stir its contents on its own, and
Harry let out a small groan of protest, but he sat at the table, ready to get the lecture over
with.

"First of all, mental health check," Severus said, standing over him.

Harry sighed and rolled up his sleeves, showing Severus his arms. He hadn't scratched
himself up last night. Severus didn't have anything to worry about this time.

"Good," His dad sat down across from him at the table, a mug of black coffee in his hands.
"Do you want to explain yourself first?"

Harry could only shrug. He didn't know what to say. Remus had already chewed him out last
night for being so reckless, and he didn't want to get scolded for it again by Severus.

Severus was patiently waiting. Harry quietly observed him, noticing how pale his face was,
causing the dark circles under his eyes to stand out, showing Harry he must've not gotten any
sleep last night. Severus really did look exhausted, and he probably went through hell
yesterday, being so near Voldemort, then having to return home only to find out what Harry
had done, endangering his life and Remus getting hurt over it. Because if Harry hadn't run off
after Bellatrix so recklessly, they wouldn't have gotten ambushed in the clearing, and it led to
that strange werewolf biting Remus. And the argument between him and Remus, did Severus
know about that? Did he know about the most hurtful thing Harry had said to Remus? Did
Severus take offense to that? And Harry felt so guilty for all of it… What he'd said wasn't at
all true.

"Now that you're with Severus, do you even miss Sirius anymore?"

Bloody hell, why did he say that? It was cruel. Words only meant to hurt in the heat of the
moment, all because of Remus being mad at Harry for going after Bellatrix and for refusing
to understand why. For standing too close to him…being too close…triggering him. Remus
was just too close and those words weren't true…it wasn't true…it wasn't true…it wasn't…it
wasn't… it wasn't….

Suddenly, Severus reached over and tore Harry's hands away from themselves.

"Accio marker," he only said, and when it zoomed into his waiting hand, he handed it over to
Harry.

"Whenever you're ready to talk, I'm here," Severus said as he stood up to continue cooking
breakfast, leaving his coffee behind on the table.
Harry pressed the soft felt tip of the marker hard against his skin, making dark-purple lines
across his forearm. His thoughts were whirling around in his head, mixed with anxiety and a
deep sense of shame and embarrassment. Everything that happened yesterday just kept
replaying over and over in his mind. Remus had been terrified for Harry. And Harry was sick
of it all, sick of being trapped in his own head. He wanted these thoughts to go away, and the
only way to do that… Harry suddenly looked at Severus, whose back was turned towards
him, and Harry finally felt ready to speak.

"Dad," Harry croaked out, dropping the marker. It clattered to the floor, rolling away. Severus
calmly sat back down in his chair.

"Take a deep breath, son. I'm here to listen whenever you're ready."

And Harry did just that, inhaling and exhaling until his eyes stopped burning. He rubbed at
them, not wanting any tears to fall.

"I didn't mean to say that to Remus," Harry said.

"What did you tell him?"

Harry was taken aback by that question. Severus doesn't know? Bloody hell, I've snitched on
myself!

But then, it was just as well. Harry knew he wouldn't be able to bear acting like he'd never
said it, letting it sit unspoken between him and Remus like a hippogriff in the room. It would
come up eventually, maybe not by him, but by Remus. And Harry wouldn't fault him for that.
Those words had hurt Remus deeply, Harry saw it, watched them hit their mark in Remus,
and Harry flinched at the memory of Remus' stricken face. No, this was better that he'd
brought it up now. Harry wasn't a coward, he was a Gryffindor, and that meant he had to be
brave and own up to his mistakes and face the consequences of them.

"I was just so angry when I saw Bellatrix, seeing her, it flipped some sort of switch in me.
Just one look at her and I wanted her dead, and before I knew it, I was running after her. I
wanted to not only hurt her, but to kill her for what she's done to Sirius. I'd told Remus that.
He got upset and he scolded me for putting myself in danger, for wanting to kill her."

"What did he say?"

"He told me I wouldn't have been able to do it, that I would have to have a really great
amount of hatred in my heart to be able to perform the unforgivables, and that he didn't think
that I would have been able to even pull it off, and if I had succeeded, I would've lost my
soul."

"Harry, Remus is right. To perform a spell as dark as the killing curse… I don't think even
Remus, as powerful and clever as he is with magic, specifically the dark arts, would be able
to do it."

"I know…I know…he is right, but yesterday I couldn't see that… What Remus didn't
understand was that I felt like my soul was already tainted with darkness. He didn't believe
me when I said I was already broken enough that perhaps, I could've pulled it off… I feel like
there is darkness in me sometimes, and I really did believe for a moment that I could've done
it, and it scared me, and Remus couldn't understand. He was too angry and shaken…and it
hurt….

After all, I was responsible for Cedric's and Sirius' deaths. Remus said I wasn't, but it doesn't
change the fact that I feel like I am because if I would've just done things differently, maybe
they wouldn't have died… I wanted to hurt Remus for not understanding. I was mad and
feeling wretched with myself for wanting to kill Bellatrix, and I just wanted to show him that
there is darkness in me and that I could've performed the killing curse. It was cruel, and I
regretted it immediately because what I said wasn't true at all, and I was so ashamed… I'm so
sorry, dad, I didn't mean it all, I swear."

"What did you say?"

"Now that you're with Severus, do you even miss Sirius anymore?" Harry said quietly and
shamefully, his cheeks blushing.

And it was silent. Harry couldn't bear to look at Severus.

"Harry, before we get into all of that," Severus said in a calm tone. "I want to talk about the
things you've said about yourself first."

Harry sighed in frustration.

"Harry, like I've said already, Remus is right."

Harry glared at him, about to snap back at him for taking Remus' side, but Severus must've
known because he spoke before Harry could start.

"No, no…before you say anything, listen to me first. This isn't about me choosing sides.
Remus does have a point. You wouldn't have been able to attack Bellatrix with any of those
curses, no matter how much she's hurt you. Those curses are not only extraordinarily
advanced, but they have to come from a place inside of you from pure hatred. Can you
imagine yourself being just as dark, hating with that much intensity that it consumes you?"

Harry shrugged, not saying anything. Afraid to answer.

Severus reached over and placed a hand over his own on the table. Harry looked up at him,
finding himself staring into Severus' dark obsidian eyes.

"You're a good person, Harry. Even if you feel like you were in some way responsible for
those deaths. It is the fact that you feel remorse and guilt over them, it shows that you are not
as dark as you think you are, your soul isn't tainted. Killing without remorse is what makes a
person dark. You have nightmares and you beat yourself up over their deaths, that's you
feeling remorse, you feel guilt because you are a very good person and a very brave
Gryffindor who was in the wrong place at the wrong time, who had the misfortune to be
caught in those situations where people lost their lives, it was not your fault."
Harry suddenly felt his throat closing up a bit, he swallowed, blinking the sting of his eyes
away as Severus continued, "I'm not sure if I could make you believe that, but believe me
when I say that you do have a soul, it is good, it is pure, and I believe that was what Remus
was trying to get you to see. With a soul as good as yours, it's impossible for you to perform
the unforgivable curses the way you wanted to, even though you thought at the moment that
you might've been able to."

Severus stopped, then asked, squeezing Harry's hand. "Do you understand, son?" Harry could
only nod.

"And as for what you said to Remus, sometimes there is little truth in what we blurt out in the
heat of arguments, even if you refuse to believe it otherwise, I mean why else would it be in
our heads."

"Dad, no, I really didn't mean it!" Harry protested.

"I know, and if you did, even just a little bit, I just want to reassure you that it is okay to feel
that. I'm never going to take the place of your godfather. I don't expect you and Remus to just
completely let him go now that I'm here. Black was special to both you and Remus. I'll never
take that away from you. I'll always respect that, even though I've hated Black's guts since the
first time I laid eyes on him and wished him dead so many times over and over. I'll never take
his place."

Harry couldn't help but smile a little at that last part. "Dad," he said.

Severus shrugged and let go of Harry's hand.

"I really didn't mean to hurt you or make you feel like I don't appreciate everything you've
done for me and for Remus to get hurt."

"I know, son, I know… And you had the courage to bring it up and own up to it, to apologize.
A soulless person wouldn't have the heart to do it. You see, your soul isn't tainted with
darkness, it just feels like it's broken because you've been through so many hardships and it's
changed for the better, Harry. It's made you stronger. You are a good person," Severus
finished with such sincerity, Harry couldn't look away, and he found himself believing his
dad.

And when it was clear that Harry had nothing else to say, Severus stood up again and went
back to the stove, laddling porridge into a bowl.

"Now, your consequence is to make things right between you and Remus. Apologize to him
for scaring the crap out of him when you ran after Bellatrix and for what you've said. No
arguing amongst us, we are family, that is more important than revenge, remember that."

"Yes, sir," Harry said.

Severus placed the bowl in front of Harry and another one next to his coffee mug, and two
platters between them, one filled with fruit, the other with sausage.
"This looks delicious!" Harry said as he blew the steam off a spoonful of his oatmeal.

"Thank you, kid," Severus said as he began to eat.

"Were you called yesterday because of the attack on the Burrow? Were you hurt? Was that
why it took so long for you to come back?"

"Correct, the attack on the Burrow last night was the reason why I was called. Harry, going
after Bellatrix and getting caught in an ambush was very reckless and stupid. I really hope
you know how serious the consequences of your actions could've been. Consider yourself
lucky that you and Miss Weasley weren't hurt. You know it's something I've lectured you
about in the past. Remember what I've told you, to protect yourself, be smart, your life
matters too above all else."

"I know…I remember that lecture on the beach," Harry said, suddenly unable to eat as he
stirred the contents of his porridge.

"Good, that means that I don't have to repeat it."

Harry sighed out with relief at that.

"Hey, kid…"

Harry looked up from his oatmeal.

"I know you feel rotten for everything that happened yesterday. Let's put it behind us now.
You are safe, Miss Weasley is safe. No one was seriously injured in the fire. That is all that
matters."

Severus reached over and speared a piece of melon in his fork and plopped it into his mouth.

"You're not going to tell me everything that happened yesterday, are you?"

"If it was my choice, I would, you know that. Now, come on, eat, I've heard you barely had
anything yesterday."

They ate their breakfast in silence, meaning Harry ate what little he could and Severus
watched him with a concerned frown coaxing him every now and then to eat a bit of fruit or
to try the sausage.

It wasn't long until Remus shuffled in, wearing an oversized sweater that went over his
pajama pants. The bandage on his wound was visible, and to Harry's relief there didn't seem
to be any sign of blood seeping through. Remus' hair was a mess, looking a lot like Harry's at
the moment, and he squinted his eyes blurrily at them, seeming a bit confused to see Harry
and Severus at the table eating breakfast.

"Good morning," Severus said worriedly to him.

"Morning, love," Remus grumbled back as he poured himself a cup of coffee and began
dumping cream and sugar into it.
"Nightmares," Severus mouthed to Harry who glanced a sympathetic look at Remus. He
really did look like he got hit by the knight bus. Remus was leaning against the counter,
holding onto his coffee mug like it was his lifeline. His eyes were haunted by the nightmares
he had all night. Harry was familiar with that feeling, the terror and the exhaustion in the
morning.

"I'm going to floo to Hogwarts, I have a few simmering potions that need to be checked, and
I also need to see how Draco is faring."

Harry whipped his attention to Severus, his eyes wide with protest, and he was sure that
Severus could read what he was pleading for in his head.

No, Severus, don't leave me alone with him!

Severus gave him a stern look, and Harry knew what that meant. He was giving him and
Remus some time alone to talk, but Harry didn't feel ready yet. "I'll be back, Harry, remember
what we've talked about, and please, finish your breakfast."

Harry scowled and he casted his eyes down on his oatmeal. Luckily for him, Severus didn't
see and Harry was spared a lecture about giving him attitude. Severus had gotten up and
placed his dishes in the sink, then pulled Remus to him, muttering something in his ear and
giving him a quick kiss, caressing the side of his face to get Remus to look at him. Harry kept
his eyes on his food, waiting for them to finish being so nauseatingly sweet towards each
other. Then Severus left the kitchen, the sounds of the flames turning into the floo network
was heard, followed by a clear "Professor Lupin's office." And Severus was gone, leaving
Harry alone with a sleep deprived and grumpy-looking Remus. The awkwardness in the
kitchen had suddenly grown unbearable.

Harry stirred his oatmeal with his spoon, the sight of it was suddenly making him feel sick.

Remus continued to quietly drink his coffee, then he put it down on the counter with a sigh.
Harry kept his eyes down at his plate, he could hear the opening of cabinets and the clatter of
dishes as Remus served himself breakfast. Then the sounds of Remus making his way to the
table, pausing to pick up the marker that had fallen on the floor. He sat down in Severus' spot
and handed it to Harry, who took it without looking at him.

Remus began to eat. Harry just kept his eyes down. He felt like this was a morning after a
punishment at Privet Drive, where he wasn't sure if he was still in trouble or not, still in
danger of another beating… Not daring to look at Uncle Vernon. Harry didn't know where to
look, how to start speaking. He fidgeted with the marker in his hands, trying to think up an
excuse to leave, but Severus wanted him and Remus to talk and make up. Severus made it
sound so easy, but it wasn't.

This isn't Privet Drive. I'm not with Uncle Vernon. I'm with Remus, he'll never hurt me like
that….

"Try a bit more fruit, Harry," Remus said, he handed a cut-up strawberry that was speared on
the prongs of his fork, holding it out for Harry to take. A peace offering. Harry shook his
head, slowly raising his eyes on Remus who gave him a small reassuring smile.
This never happened at Privet Drive… This isn't Privet Drive… This is Remus… Not Uncle
Vernon… Not Uncle Vernon….

"I don't think I can eat another bite, but thank you," Harry said. Remus only shrugged and
plunked the strawberry into his own mouth.

This isn't Privet Drive… This isn't Uncle Vernon… This is Remus, he would never hurt me.
This is Remus… Remus… Harry kept repeating the mantra over and over in his head, until he
finally began to believe it, until he finally found the words he wanted to say.

"Remus, I'm sorry about what I said last night. I didn't mean it. I was just feeling so bad about
myself and angry and I lashed out. I wanted to hurt you…to make you feel bad like how I
was feeling inside and I'm sorry for wanting that. I didn't mean any of it, I swear!" Harry said
all of this in a rush, without taking a breath. His heart was thumping with nerves and he
continued fidgeting with the marker in his hands, wondering if he should open it and press
the tip to his arm, to feel the pressure, then the cool ink… Would Remus forgive him? Harry
couldn't bear it if he decided to stay mad at him.

"I understand, cub."

"You do? You're not still mad at me?"

"No, Harry, I was never mad at you."

Thrown off by Remus' calm answers, Harry only gave him a confused look.

"Harry, was there a little bit of truth in what you'd said? I know you didn't mean to say it, but
how would you come up with that, unless that thought has been in your head? Even for just a
fleeting moment… Sometimes in the heat of an argument, truth can be thrown into the
crossfire, unintentional or not."

"Severus sort of told me the same thing," Harry shrugged.

Remus smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes. "Well, he's a smart man, always listen to him, cub.
He's no fool, that's for sure." He sounded exhausted.

Harry nodded once at that, suddenly a question was on the tip of his tongue. He had to ask,
"Why didn't you tell Severus what I'd said to you?"

"I wanted you to do it," Remus said as he continued to eat his oatmeal.

Harry watched him for a while. "Why?"

Remus finished the rest of his food, looking as if he were thinking carefully on what to say
next.

"Because I know you would not have been able to live with yourself if it went unspoken. You
would hold on to it, feel bad until you break and apologize. I was hoping that once that
happened, you would realize that you are indeed a good person. A soulless person, a bad
person, who is able to perform those curses perfectly, would never be able to feel remorse
like you do."

"Oh, Severus talked to me about all of that too."

"Of course he did, that is why you must listen to your father. He is very right, Harry. You
have a soul, and even though you feel like it's damaged, it's still pure and good because it's
you, you're simply still you."

Harry nodded, showing that he agreed with what Remus was saying.

Remus watched Harry from across the table, then said, "I didn't mean for you to mistake my
words last night, to believe that you were souless or tainted with darkness."

"It's okay, Remus, I believe you and Severus… I have to start thinking better of myself."

Remus sighed at that, as if what Harry had said had a deeper meaning to him. "We both need
to be kinder to ourselves."

Harry just nodded again, not really sure what he should say after that. Actually the truth was,
Harry didn't feel like talking about it anymore, even though there was still so much he wanted
to tell Remus. He wanted to explain why he ran off after Bellatrix, that he didn't mean to
cause Remus so much panic, that he didn't mean to put everyone in danger. Harry wanted to
confide in Remus so very much, but Harry was feeling stuck. He was feeling stuck and he
didn't have the energy to bring it all up, and he didn't know why, so Harry just remained
silent.

"You know I'm not replacing Sirius, you know that, right? He'll always have a place in my
heart. He was my best friend before he became my boyfriend. And he was your godfather.
He'll never be just nothing. He's always with us, Harry, and not even Severus can take that
away."

"I'm sorry," Harry could only choke out.

"I know, cub."

"For everything."

"I know you are. Let's just forget it all and start over, okay?"

Harry let out a sigh of relief. "I would like that."

Remus winked at Harry, then stood up from the table and poured himself another cup of
coffee, then sat back down. Harry guessed he was still looking a bit forlorn or guilt-ridden,
because Remus smiled at him and said, "We're okay, cub."

And Harry smiled back, then it faltered when he again noticed the dark circles and bloodshot
eyes caused by Remus' sleepless night. The bruises on his face, left by Rowan. They weren't
as dark as the night before, but they were still there, still noticeable, just like the bandage on
Remus' neck. It wasn't hard to miss.
"Does it hurt?" Harry asked, indicating the bandaged wound.

"Only when I think about it," Remus said, sipping his coffee.

"Why did that werewolf bite you? Who was he, did you know him? His name was Rowan,
right?"

Remus nodded a yes to Harry's last question. "I didn't know him, I've never seen Rowan
before. And Greyback…well you heard him, he had Rowan do it so I could join their pack."

"You're not going to, right?"

"Never."

"You called it the…" But Harry didn't get to finish, because Remus had asked him at the
same time, "Hey, cub, would you like to fix up your bedroom? Make it more your own?"

Harry was thrown off at the sudden question, "What do you mean? It's your old bedroom."

"Not anymore, it's your room now."

Harry knew Remus was changing the subject on purpose. He had looked uncomfortable
throughout their brief conversation on the werewolves. Harry allowed it, even though he was
itching to find out more about what happened. He could tell Remus was exhausted, even
though he was working hard to appear normal and happy for Harry.

So Harry smiled, and agreed with Remus' idea by saying, "I once had to sleep in a cupboard
under the stairs, and now I have two bedrooms."

Remus smiled, but it was a bit sad from what Harry revealed. "This is our home away from
Hogwarts. Let's clean up, then we can go to the muggle village today, pick out some paint,
look at furniture. Just anything that can make it more your room instead of mine. It's like a
bloody time capsule in there. I'm tired of looking at it and cringing from my awkward
teenage years."

When Severus returned from Hogwarts, he found the cabin in complete chaos. He stood near
the door, the sounds of Harry and Remus could be heard from Harry's bedroom, it sounded
like Remus was teaching him to sing again. Why were their voices echoing? As if they were
in an empty room? Severus walked through the footpath between the mess, expecting it
closely and he found that everything that was in Remus' childhood bedroom was all sorted
into two sides of the living room. Two signs were placed on the piles that said, Keep and
Cellar for Donation. The living room felt like a junk house with everything haphazardly
placed all over. However, Severus didn't mind this topsy-turvy chaos one bit, because judging
by the singing and laughing echoing from the bedroom, it seemed that Harry and Remus had
sorted out their differences. That was all Severus wanted from them this morning. There was
no room for fighting, Severus didn't have enough time left for that, and Remus and Harry
didn't know it. He couldn't tell them, and it made his heart twinge painfully. Severus pushed it
away.
Severus had spent most of the morning working on potions that were needed for his lessons
for the new school term. He also found a bit of time to check on his Animagus Potion, which
was coming along smoothly. All Severus had to do now was wait for the next electrical storm
to arrive to proceed on to the next step. Draco was found in the library, he seemed to be
catching up on homework, Severus wasn't entirely sure, but his godson had barely spoken to
Severus, only responding to him with one worded answers or non-committal grunts, insisting
that he was fine and didn't want to be bothered. Severus reminded Draco that he was still
welcomed to spend the rest of the holidays with him and Harry if he should wish to do so, all
he had to do was send word for Severus to get him. Draco didn't reply to that, his eyes
focused on the book he was reading, jotting things down on his notes. And all Severus could
do was just leave him to it, feeling thoroughly annoyed and frustrated at his godson's
stubbornness.

The hallway was cluttered with stuff that had yet to be sorted, causing Severus to move
carefully towards the bedroom without knocking anything down.

"What's all this?" Severus asked as he stood at the doorway.

Harry and Remus turned towards him with broad smiles. Remus was just in the middle of
painting the wall in the muggle way with a round muggle tool. Severus had forgotten the
muggle term for it. Blue tape was placed on the walls and near the ceiling. Newspapers
covered the floor. It was nice to see that Remus had finally abandoned the overly large
sweater and was dressed in old jeans and a Beatles t-shirt. His hair looked so much neater and
his face had color again.

"You know magic could've been faster and way easier," Severus said, observing their work.

"And where is the fun in that?" Remus said.

"Dad, Remus said I could fix up his room to be more like mine, do you like the new color?"

Severus admired the room. It was just one wall that they'd painted, the one where Harry's bed
frame was. It was a dark olive sort of green that complimented the wooden walls and beams
in the bedroom, it gave the room a more rustic and warm vibe to it. A room you would expect
to see in a wooden cabin.

"I like it. I'm surprised you went with a Slytherin color."

"It's not a Slytherin color! It's too dark," Harry protested.

Remus shook his head at Severus with feigned disgust. "How could you insult us like that,
Severus?"

"Merlin, help me with these Gryffindors," Severus only said, causing Harry to laugh.

Severus strolled over to Remus and planted a large kiss on his cheek, loving how he was
covered in paint and smiling, and seeming very happy at the moment, even though Remus
still had dark circles under his eyes, the only sign to the nightmare-ridden night he had. It was
a better state than he was this morning at least.
"How about we speed this up a bit now, Harry?" Remus said.

Harry nodded his agreement. Remus waved his wand, muttering an incantation to make the
muggle tools magically finish painting the wall with a fast and efficient pace. Then with a
quick drying charm, the room was done. "Only because Tonks should be coming at any
moment to help us with the wards. Harry, let's get all this cleaned up so we can put back the
furniture. Are you still sure you don't want to change it?"

"No, I like it, it goes with the cabin," Harry said as he began to pick up the newspaper off the
floor and Remus began to use his wand to banish away the blue tape. Severus cleared up the
leftover paint bucket and muggle tools.

Once the room was clean and ready, Severus and Remus levitated the bed, desk, nightstand
and wardrobe, using Harry's directions on where to place them. The stuff that Remus and
Harry didn't want was all sent down to the basement.

And just when they were done with that, admiring the newly renovated bedroom, and the
cabin now resembling a neat and cozy home again, the wards went off, signaling that there
was an unknown visitor at the edge of the wards and shields that were hiding the cabin.

"I hope that's Tonks," Remus frowned worriedly. Luckily, he didn't have to spend any more
time worrying. A patronus of a wolf appeared and Tonks' voice rang out through Harry's
room, announcing her arrival. Severus couldn't help but snort out with annoyance and disgust
at her wolf patronus.

"I'll go get her," Remus smiled with relief, silencing the wards.

"Why do you seem annoyed at Tonks being here?" Harry asked, looking at Severus. He
must've seen Severus' reaction to her patronus.

Severus just shook his head with a scowl. "That is not your business."

They didn't have to wait long for Remus to arrive back with Tonks.

The witch came in with a smile, her hair bright-pink and so short it just touched her
shoulders. Her eyes were also pink to match her hair color and she was still dressed in her
Auror robes. After what Remus had revealed to Severus about Tonks' crush on him, it gave
Severus more reason to not like her.

"Wothcher, Harry," she greeted Harry with a wink.

Harry grinned back. "Hi, Tonks."

She then looked at Severus who was watching everything by the entrance of the hallway, his
arms were crossed against his chest and his best scowl was on his face. From behind Tonks,
Remus saw that and glared pointedly at him. Severus didn't care. He had to keep up
appearances after all.

"Hi, Snape," Tonks said hesitantly, her eyes suddenly turning blue.
"Tonks," was all Severus said, not exactly welcoming, but a greeting nonetheless.

The awkwardness was stifling in the room, Severus caught Harry and Remus exchanging
exasperated glances. Severus rolled his eyes. Remus already knew how he'd felt about Tonks
coming here.

"Harry, why don't you show Tonks what you've been doing to your room?" Remus suggested,
his eyes on Severus.

Harry nodded with relief. "Come on," he said to Tonks. Severus stepped out of their way as
they passed.

Once they were gone, Remus gestured to their bedroom with a small close-lipped smile.

Severus sighed with annoyance and followed him, making sure their bedroom door locked
behind him and he warded it with a Silencing Charm for privacy.

As soon as Severus turned his attention to Remus, he said, "Severus, you know you have
nothing to worry about, right? I thought we'd talked about this last night."

"She fancies you. How can you two be friends with that between you? We'd hardly managed
it, it drove me mad fancying you while being forced to stay friends with you."

"You and I didn't work as just friends because I fancied you too, there was too much heat
between us."

Severus couldn't help but let out a smug smile.

"With Tonks and I, there's nothing but friendship. Her feelings for anything more than
friendship were just one sided and we talked it out. She understands that nothing could ever
happen between us. She's accepted that, and now she's my best friend, meaning she isn't
going to go away. You have to trust me now, can you trust me, Severus? Because everytime I
mention her, it upsets you. I don't want Tonks' presence in my life to be constantly causing
arguments between us. You have nothing to worry about. I really don't have any interest in
women whatsoever, I'm completely mad for only you."

"Do you really think of me so little as to not trusting you? Of course I bloody trust you, it's
her I don't trust. She's a child, Remus."

Remus looked at him with exasperation and said, "Twenty-three is considered a young adult."

"Remus, you're ten years older than her."

"When did being friends with someone have an age restriction? What about you and
Dumbledore?"

"He's no friend of mine!"

"Are you sure about that? You two are always hanging out, even if it isn't work related."
"So we go to the pub together every now and then, it doesn't make us friends."

"Severus… I'm trying to make a point!"

"And what point is that exactly?!"

"That there really is nothing to worry about." And before Severus knew it, Remus was
standing so close to him. "The point I'm trying to make is that you have my heart, Severus
Snape, and nothing or anyone for that matter, can change that." Hazel-green eyes were
suddenly all Severus could see, and Remus captured Severus' lips into his own before
Severus could say anything in return. Remus then pulled away, but not too far so that his
breath was still warm against Severus' lips. "Remember that the next time you get jealous,
okay?"

Severus was at a loss of words and he'd lost feeling in his legs. He wasn't sure how he was
still standing. He could only swallow nervously, then his breath hitched with surprise as
Remus suddenly knocked him down to the bed.

"And if you're somewhat decent to Tonks today, I promise you something in return." Remus
trailed kisses from Severus' lips to the line of his jaw, then down his neck, his collarbone…
Severus felt him unbuckling his pants and he felt something warm and soft envelope him.

"Fuck! Remus!" Severus gasped at the surprise, feeling his penis suddenly hardening in
Remus' mouth.

Remus sucked on it for a moment then let out a breathy chuckle and pulled away, climbing
back up to Severus and kissing him. Severus could taste himself on Remus' tongue.

The kiss ended with a mischievous smile from Remus as he fixed Severus' pants, zipping
them close again.

"You can't just blackmail me like that!" Severus gasped, fighting his sudden desire to grab
Remus and just have him there on the bed, but he restrained himself.

"Okay, fine," Remus shrugged. "Forget it."

"No!"

"No?" Remus laughed.

"Remus, you're driving me mad!" Severus pulled Remus back down, attacking his neck and
face with quick and fervent kisses.

"I'm sorry! I just wanted you to be nice!" Remus laughed, trying to squirm away.

"Everything…you do…drives me…mad!" Severus said in between kisses, sucking on the

uninjured side of Remus' neck until the skin became a bit red. Small and dark, just enough
that maybe Tonks would notice it. "You know you're asking a lot from me. Nice is not really
a part of my nature," Severus said once he was satisfied with the result and the fact that
Remus hadn't noticed it.
"I know… It's like I'm asking a Slytherin to be a Hufflepuff."

"Only for you, wolf," Severus said, sitting up on the bed and noticing the bandage on Remus'
neck looking a bit worn from the day and their tussle.

Remus held up a hand, and Severus helped him sit up as well. "Let me look at that bite and
rebandage it before we go back out and I have to play nice."

"Does it look any better?" Remus asked. They were now in their private bathroom. Remus
was sitting on the lid of the closed toilet with his neck at an angle. Severus was dabbing the
wound with warm water and soap, keeping it clean before adding more ointment to it.

"So much better, it's closing up. It's the bruising around it that looks…"

"Bad?"

Severus didn't say anything in return, he just began to wrap it back up. Then when he was
done, he could feel Remus watching him as he put the supplies away.

"When do you plan on going over those books?" Severus asked.

"Tonight perhaps, I just don't want to do it with Harry around."

"I agree," Severus said, remembering how ghastly those books were.

"I also have to tell Tonks everything as well. She wants an explanation. I think it would be
easier for Dumbledore to be here too, that way I can just do this once."

"Albus, I understand… But Tonks? Best friend or not, you don't have to do that. You don't
owe her an explanation."

"Severus, she's my best friend, and she was there. She saw everything. I do owe her one, if
this had happened to her and I was the one who saw it, I would want an explanation too!"
Remus said with annoyance, as if he were starting to lose his patience with Severus. It was a
bit unlike him. Remus was always known to have a bounty of patience.

He's probably just exhausted… Severus figured.

"Fine… I apologize… You're right of course," Severus said, sensing another argument rising
between them over the witch. He hoped that what he said would smother it out before it grew
into flames. Remus only frowned.

Severus kneeled down in front of Remus, caressing the side of his face. "Darling, I'm
trying… I promise, I'll be decent to her today, let's not argue."

Remus sighed out with annoyance, his eyes full of exasperation as he muttered, "It won't kill
you, Severus."

"It could…"
"Merlin, help me…"

It was an odd group Severus found himself with.

Albus, Tonks, Remus and himself. They had just finished the wards around the cabin. Tonks
was now able to see and enter the property and knock on their door without Remus having to
go get her at the barrier, just as Severus and Harry were both allowed to do.

Harry was in his room, working on some of his drawings. The group were in the kitchen.
Severus made sure to put up a Silencing Charm to prevent Harry from eavesdropping.
Remus, Tonks and Albus were all seated around the table. Severus was leaning against the
kitchen counter with his arms crossed against his chest, taking in the nervous demeanor
Remus suddenly had.

Tonks reached over and covered Remus' hand with her own. Severus stiffened, glaring at her,
hoping if he fixed her with his death glare long enough, that maybe she would take the hint
and leave or maybe even catch on fire or just get her fucking hand off his boyfriend… Remus
suddenly turned towards him and raised an eyebrow at him, reminding him to be nice.
Severus scowled, there was no way Remus knew what he was thinking. Then Severus caught
Albus observing the scene with an amused twinkle in his blue eyes. Severus scowled again
when he'd realized the old coot had noticed Severus' jealousy and the silent exchange
between him and Remus.

"We're right here with you, Remus," Tonks said reassuringly.

Remus placed his gaze back on the witch and solemnly nodded, squeezing her hand back.
Severus looked away.

"Whenever you're ready, Remus," Albus said gently.

Remus took a deep breath and began…

The room was silent when Remus was done. He told them everything that he had told
Severus last night. The fight between him and Greyback and how it resulted in him being
leader now and details on the mating bite.

Their attention was on Remus who had his eyes on Albus.

"You know what Greyback's pack is like. It isn't the usual colony of werewolves I've spied on
for you, the ones living out in rural areas where there aren't any signs of humans around for
miles and miles. Greyback's pack is far from that… I don't have to tell you anymore of what
makes them so dangerous."

Albus nodded, "You are correct, Remus. There is a reason why Greyback and his pack have
such a bloodthirsty reputation, why their eyes glow so red while yours are so golden."
"As red as the blood that drips from their fangs after each full-moon," Remus said.

"They hunt humans?" Tonks said with shock and disgust.

Remus nodded. "They hunt them. You know the tales, Tonks, werewolves stationing
themselves near villages just before their changes, that way they can hunt the villagers like
prey, and if there are any surviving children, they take them back for recruitment. And once
the full-moon rises, they take whatever bodies that are left…to…" Remus' face was suddenly
tinged with green. "Greyback's pack is what keeps those stories real. They are more than just
werewolves hunting humans every full-moon, they are cannibals…true monsters… They eat
human flesh even when it isn't a full-moon."

"And what you've told us about defeating Greyback… You're…" Tonks said, her voice
shaking.

Remus suddenly covered his face with his hands, his elbows on the surface of the table. "I'm
a leader of cannibals…" he finished for Tonks, his voice shaking, sounding like he was about
to be sick.

Severus stepped forward, but before he could do anything else, Remus stood up with a
muffled apology and left for the bathroom. The sounds of retching could be heard through the
walls.

"Bloody hell…" Severus heard Tonks mutter with shock and concern.

Albus was silent, thinking… Severus didn't like that. He was sure Albus was thinking about
how he could take advantage of Remus' situation for the war.

"Whatever you're thinking about right now… Stop it… Stop it right now!" Severus hissed so
slowly and so deadly, Tonks flinched from it, her eyes going back and forth between Albus
and Severus with caution.

"I assure you, Severus, whatever thoughts I was having at the moment, you don't have to
worry."

"Liar," Severus snarled.

It was deadly silent.

Severus knew Albus. He knew the headmaster was thinking about Remus' last failed mission.
He knew Albus was thinking that this could be a chance to salvage it, but Severus wasn't
going to allow Remus to get used like that, not again, at least not without a choice made by a
clear mind. He wasn't going to let Albus take advantage of the situation and manipulate
Remus into another suicide mission.

Remus came back. He sat back down in his seat and Severus handed him a cup of water
which was accepted by a hoarse thank you. "Are you okay to continue? I can kick them out,"
Severus said, earning a defiant glare from Tonks.
"That won't be necessary, Severus," Remus said, sipping the water slowly. "Forgive me…" he
then said to Tonks and Albus.

"No need for that," Tonks said. "This is hard, just take your time."

Severus rolled his eyes and resumed his spot, standing by the counter, trying not to lose
control and snap at Albus and Tonks to leave.

"I'm never accepting it. I think Greyback knew that and had Rowan give me this…" For the
first time since he'd received it, Remus voluntarily brought his bandaged wound to attention.
"I think this bite was one more try to entice me to join and on that small chance of that
happening, he was worried how I was going to rule, that I may change his pack's way of
hunting. I don't know if he meant for me to end up as leader or maybe he did as a last resort."
As he spoke, Remus' voice was hoarse from his bout of sickness. He turned his attention to
Tonks. "Tonks, I've explained what this bite was and what it means, the ancient magic that is
behind it. This bite now prevents me from having full power. It means that if I should accept
my place as leader, and if Rowan gets me to return the bite, the mating bond is set and he and
I would have to rule as one."

"Rowan is the one who gave you the first bite," Tonks said. "If the mating bond is finalized,
would that be an equal power or would he always be the one who controls you?"

Remus thought about her question, and Severus tried to think back to when he was flipping
through the books, if they'd said anything about mating bonds. He couldn't recall it. But did
this all matter anyway? Remus was never going to accept his rule as leader, never going to
give Rowan his mating bite. This was all hypothetical talk. And Severus glanced at Albus,
he'd been silent, still deep in his thoughts. Severus fixed him with his meanest, coldest glare.

"I think… I think that would make him the alpha between us. I have to do further research,
but it does make sense, since he was the one who initiated the first bite. It would mean that he
would always have influence on the way I rule."

"That has to be what Greyback wants. There's no doubt about it. Bloody hell, this is a
horrible situation, isn't it? But we'll get through this, Remus. You said it yourself that you
don't have to do any of that," Tonks said.

"Horrible, indeed, Tonks… But don't be so quick to cast away an opportunity… Perhaps, we
can turn this around and use this horrible situation to our advantage…" Albus finally spoke,
and his words were met with a shocked silence.

Severus stepped forward, his growl breaking the silence, "Don't you dare say another fucking
word!"

"Severus," Remus warned.

"He wants you to take it!" Severus spat with disgust and disbelief.

"Let's not be so quick to jump to conclusions, Severus. I'm merely pondering it, but it really
is up for Remus to decide. If he does, it would make such a positive difference on our side of
the war, and if he doesn't, well it would be okay, just nothing more but a missed opportunity."

Severus was so angry at the headmaster, he couldn't even speak. He only glared at him, his
fists clenched into fists.

"Remus…" Albus turned his focus back on Remus who had watched the headmaster's and
Severus' exchange with a heavy frown. "You do know that if you should decide to join
Greyback's pack as leader, you still have power over the pack, even with Rowan tied to you.
You are still the pack's leader with or without that mating bite, which means you have the
power to turn Britain's most dangerous and largest werewolf pack to our side. This could give
us a greater advantage of winning the war and it would mean less lives ruined and lost from
this pack."

"Albus!" Severus snapped, interrupting the headmaster from saying anything more. "Remus
is not responsible for preventing that or should be worrying about how his choice affects the
greater good. He owes the greater good nothing!"

"I'm not forcing you to do anything. Severus is right, you don't owe the greater good
anything, especially after how they've treated you as a werewolf… I'm just asking you to
ponder on this, Remus, give it some thought on both ends. Don't just toss the new title away.
If you join them, if you get them on our side, if you change this pack, the news of it would be
sure to travel to the other werewolf colonies, then they would see there is nothing to be
feared. That if they all stand as one against Voldemort, they have a chance to fight in this war
on the right side and that can change things for them. The mission that you've started this
summer, doesn't have to end as a failure any longer. This can be a second chance. Think of
Johnathan Porter…of his daughter…"

Severus didn't like how Remus was considering Albus' plea. The anger he was feeling
towards Albus was growing. How dare he offer this mission to Remus when the other one
failed so disastrously. Remus had almost died! He'd lost himself and he was still struggling to
put back the pieces that were left. Severus couldn't even imagine what this mission could do
to Remus if he survived it, the state he would be in. There would be nothing left for him to
put back together.

"Think of what they died for… Just think about this, that's all I'm asking, Remus. It's only a
choice you can make," Albus finished.

"Okay, enough of that, you blasted old coot!" Severus shouted.

"Severus!" Remus shouted.

Tonks just surveyed the scene with wide eyes and a shocked expression.

"Get the fuck out!" Severus ignored Remus, he was seeing red. How dare Albus say that! He
crossed a fucking line! How dare he mention the Porters to Remus like that, using his guilt of
their deaths to convince him into taking on this dangerous mission!

"Severus, calm down," Remus insisted, getting up from his chair and going over to Severus,
his voice filled with warning.
"It's okay, Remus. I would be quite concerned if Severus didn't refer to me as an old coot at
least twice a week," Albus said calmly. His blue eyes danced with an icy fire as he studied
Severus with an unreadable expression.

"Get the fuck out!" Severus shouted again, stepping in front of Remus, blocking him from
Albus.

"Severus, stop!" Remus snapped from behind him.

"Remus, I won't let him manipulate you into taking another mission. I won't let him sit in
your parent's cabin, your home, and use you like that! He has no fucking right mentioning the
Porters to you, to insult their memory like that to you! You almost died last time! He was
there when your heart stopped beating!"

Remus flinched at that and Tonks stood up as well and laid a hand on his shoulder. "Snape is
right," she whispered to him.

Albus stood up, his blue eyes still on Severus. "You are right, Severus. I believe I've
overstepped and now I've overstayed my welcome." He nodded to Remus. "I apologize,
Remus, I didn't mean to treat you so poorly. Forgive me. I'll let myself out." He then gave
Remus a wink before walking out of the kitchen.

Once the headmaster was gone, Severus and Tonks looked at each other, the animosity
between them forgotten in their shared concern for Remus and the audacity of Albus
Dumbledore.

They then looked at Remus, who had watched Albus go in silence. His eyes were still on the
doorway, looking lost in thought, as if he were considering what Albus had told him. His face
looked paler and a bit greener than before and Severus wondered if Remus was going to be
sick again.

"You're not actually considering what Dumbledore said to you, are you?!" Tonks suddenly
snapped at Remus.

And for the first time that evening, Severus found himself grateful for the witch's presence.
Her exclamation towards Remus made Severus realize that he, himself, wasn't going mad,
that he wasn't overreacting with Albus, and that he was very right in kicking him out of the
cabin. It was Albus Dumbledore who was being the mad old fool for spewing all of that
garbage to Remus.

"Remus, you have to be mad to agree with that mission! Even if you're their leader now,
Greyback isn't going to let you off so easily for defying him over and over and defeating him.
And Rowan! That werewolf is a bloody criminal! They can do worse than kill you. I'm sure
they're already planning it out, with the way Rowan was looking at you, and you'll just be
falling into Greyback's trap, doing what he is hoping you to do!"

"I know, Tonks, I know, believe me, I know," Remus said softly, finally tearing himself away
from the doorway of the kitchen and moving his gaze to Tonks. He didn't look at Severus.
"But it's a way to help out in the war, to redo my failed mission and make sure it actually
succeeds. Albus is crazy, but he is also right. If I turn this pack around, if I get the
werewolves to fight on our side, it can change things for them, give them more rights,
equality and freedom, maybe the wizarding community would actually start to see us as
human again so that way they don't have to banish themselves off to live in colonies.

And if I do this, Kaylie's death won't have to be in vain anymore. If I do this…it would be for
her, for her father. And if I do this, if there is a final battle that happens to land on a night of a
full-moon, people on our side won't be in danger from getting bit or attacked by werewolves.
Albus is right, this could change so much! Tonks, can't you see that?!"

"No! How can you be certain that it'll all work out like that? What if taking on the mission
doesn't change anything? What if you can't stop the pack from hunting humans? What if you
die?!" Tonks argued back. "You've already almost died from the last mission, we almost lost
you, and what if this time we do?"

Remus turned towards Severus. "Severus?"

And the look Remus shot him, pleading to understand. Severus wanted to say yes, to make
him happy, but the sound of that magical monitor ringing, telling him and Madam Pomfrey
that Remus was dying, that sound was all he could hear, and the ghost of Albus' hand on his
shoulder, telling Severus to let Remus go… He wanted to be on Remus' side so very much,
but he couldn't, he couldn't lead Remus into danger and possibly his death.

His heart stopped beating….

"Remus, I'm sorry, but she's right… There are a lot of what-ifs. If you take on this mission…"

But Remus flinched at Severus' words, the hurt clear in his eyes. It struck Severus hard to
have Remus look at him like that.

"I haven't decided anything yet, I'm just considering what Dumbledore said. Thanks for your
thoughts on it, I'll consider them too," Remus said tersely.

"Remus," Severus pleaded. "Don't be like that!"

"Like what?!" Remus snapped. "You two are supposed to have my back on this!"

"What's there to even fucking decide?!" Tonks shouted before Severus could say anything
back.

"Tonks, you don't get it!" Remus shouted. "You don't get what being a werewolf is like!
Being different and only being seen for it!"

"I know that a little bit more than you think! And so does he!" Tonks threw a hand at
Severus, then made her way towards the doorway. "I'm a Metamorphmagus. I'm a young
female Auror, who also happens to be the office klutz!" She turned towards Remus, her back
to the doorframe, blue eyes changing to maroon. "And if that isn't enough, I'm also the niece
of Bellatrix Lestrange! Why do you think Alastor is my mentor? He's the only one who
would take me on as his apprentice, the only one who sees past all that and sees the potential
I carry."

Remus' face was stricken at that as Tonks carried on.

"I know what being an outcast is like, and I know that what you go through everyday is about
a hundred times worse for you than it is for me. I get that, Remus. But I don't want you to kill
yourself over something that can't possibly be changed, it would take a bloody miracle for the
mission to work out the way your hoping it might."

"Dora… Please, just understand…" Remus started, stepping towards her, but Tonks backed
away, shaking her head.

"Just owl me when you've come to your senses!" Tonks snapped, her eyes now watery deep
pools of maroon.

Severus almost felt bad for the witch as she turned away from Remus and stormed out into
the living room and to the front door to make her dramatic departure… Almost….

"Tonks! Don't go!" Remus called out, going after her.

Good riddance! Severus thought savagely. He stayed standing where he was, taking down the
Silencing Charm so that their voices carried from the living room to the kitchen.

"And nice hickey by the way, what a way to rub it into my face!"

Severus winced at that, knowing Harry could probably hear them too.

"What?!" Remus asked, thrown off by Tonks' words. "Tonks, please don't go like this."

The front door slammed shut, followed by a pop coming from outside.

And the witch has made her dramatic departure….

It was a small moment until Remus finally walked back into the kitchen, looking forlorn and
upset. His eyes slowly traveled to Severus, letting out a huff of annoyance. "Are you going to
tell me I can't do the mission as well?" he asked.

Severus shook his head. "It's your decision, and Tonks already said everything I wanted to…"

"Are you going to storm out too, then?"

"No." Severus stepped forward, wrapping his hand around Remus' arm and pulling him close.
Remus looked up at him, his hazel eyes flecked with bits of gold. "I can't stop you from
whatever you decide to do. This mission is dangerous with a small chance of you succeeding,
not that I'm saying I don't believe in you, darling, because I do, I believe you can do it, but
are you willing to give yourself up for it, because I'm not willing to lose you like that, to lose
you to this pack… This pack, Remus… What I've read… This pack is…"
Remus stepped away from Severus' grasp, looking affronted, "You looked through the
books?" The gold in his eyes was becoming more noticeable now.

Severus hesitated, realizing his slip. "A bit…"

"Why couldn't you wait for me?"

"You wouldn't talk to me!"

"I needed time!" Remus said with exasperation and hurt. "And was it really necessary for you
to leave a hickey on me, knowing Tonks was coming, knowing what I told you about our
argument? What were you trying to prove to her? That I'm yours? I'm not something to be
claimed!"

"Fuck," Severus said. "Remus, you're right. I apologize, that was…" I'm fucking stupid! was
what Severus wanted to say. Jealousy really got the best of him.

Remus moved a hand to the bandage on his neck.

"It's no better than Rowan leaving…"

But before he could finish, Remus slapped his hand to his mouth, his face growing very pale
and very green.

As quick as a flash, Severus guided Remus to the sink just in time for him to spew out
anything that was still left in his stomach after his last bout of sickness. It wasn't much of
anything but bile and Remus was left dry-heaving. Severus frowned with worry, rubbing
Remus' back. He needed to get his boyfriend to eat something.

Once Remus was done, Severus handed him a cup of water and an apple from the fruit bowl
on the counter, not saying a word to him so he could pull himself together.

Remus sipped at the water slowly, washing out his mouth.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to be like that. It was a bad lack of judgment on my part."

"It's fine…" Remus started to say, but he turned, dropping the apple to the floor. Severus
grabbed the cup out of his hands as Remus bent himself over the sink again and started dry-
heaving again.

And all Severus could do was rub his back and tell him that it'll be over soon and he'll be
okay. He wordlessly summoned a phial that would help calm the nausea and gave it to Remus
once he was finally done.

"If you do decide to go through with the mission, how are you going to pull it off, if the very
idea of you being the alpha of Greyback's pack makes you physically sick everytime?"
Severus couldn't help but ask.
 You Belong Here With Us
Chapter Summary

Songs: Hey Jude by The Beatles and This Is The New Year by A Great Big World

Enjoy your Sunday read!

Chapter Twenty-Four You Belong Here With Us

The days leading up to the New Year went by quickly and peacefully, despite everything that
had happened on Christmas.

Harry, Remus and Severus had spent the holiday together in the cabin, watching movies and
playing board games to pass the time until the clock struck twelve.

They were in the middle of a very intense game of Battleship, Harry and Severus together as
a team versus Remus. Harry and Severus were struggling to work together as a team, and
because of that, Remus was crushing them, watching them with an innocent poker face as
they argued on their next move.

And during the midnight chiming of the clock on the mantel, they stood up and exchanged
hugs, clinking their mugs of hot butterbeer together. They then sat back down, Severus was
tickling Harry besides him who had asked Remus if he could be his Battleship partner.

"You little traitor!" Severus laughed. "We would only be winning if you would've just taken
my advice, and now we are losing!"

"You don't know what you're doing!" Harry laughed, squirming away from Severus' fingers.

Remus laughed, watching them. "How about we exchange New Year wishes?"

His suggestions surprised Severus and Harry so much, they stopped their playfulness. Harry
sat back up, recomposing himself. He didn't know what to say.

The Dursleys of course kept Harry locked in his cupboard during every single holiday while
growing up. Every New Year's Eve, Harry would hear their voices, their laughter and their
wishes for the new year coming through the vents of his cupboard, and Harry was always left
in the dark, without a soul who cared for him. That was how every year ended and how the
next one started, Harry feeling so utterly alone in the world… But not this year, nor the next,
not anymore….

Remus noticed Harry's hesitation. He smiled softly at Harry with understanding. "I'll go
first," he said. And it made Harry feel seen. He felt understood and he didn't feel alone. He
hadn't felt alone in quite a while, he realized, and that was because of Remus and Severus, his
dads.

"I wish for more days like this in the new year, just us three with carefree days and happiness
and love between us," Remus said, his hazel eyes were a bit sad when he said that, his voice
had a hint of wistfulness. And Harry wondered at that. It was as if Remus knew that their
time together had an ending. It worried Harry, he knew it was the war. It was always because
of the war. It was coming closer. The attack on the Burrow was a wake-up call for them, to
spend every moment together as if it were their last. And to be ready.

He wondered if they would be together like this as a family for the next New Year's Eve.
Would they be spending it at the cabin, counting down the clock while playing Battleship? Or
would this be their first and last holiday together? The new year did seem very dark and
uncertain, but Harry wasn't afraid. He had Severus and Remus to help him through the
darkness, even if they might end up apart.

Despite being lost in his thoughts, Harry managed to catch the look Severus gave Remus, as
if he understood exactly what Remus meant by his wish, the deeper and heartbreaking
meaning behind it.

Severus solemnly clinked his mug of hot butterbeer against Remus', showing his agreement.
Harry followed along after him.

"You're right, Remus. Let's appreciate every moment together as if it were our last. Next New
Year's Eve, I don't want to be anywhere else but here, with you my darling wolf." Severus
leaned across the ottoman and pulled Remus into a quick kiss on the lips. Harry rolled his
eyes at their lovesick moony expressions. Once they pulled apart, Severus looked at Harry
and smirked at his disgusted expression. He pulled Harry against his side with one arm,
planting a fatherly kiss on Harry's cheek.

"Ugh, dad!" Harry pulled away from Severus with feigned disgust, wiping his dad's sloppy
kiss off his cheek. Remus was almost falling off his armchair, laughing. "I'm too old for that!"

"And my son," Severus said with an amused chuckle. "Who will never be too old to be my
kid and receive kisses from his father."

Remus finally stopped laughing, pulling himself together and wiping away his tears of mirth.
Harry scowled at him with annoyance. "But that is hardly a wish, Severus," Remus finally
managed to gasp out.

Severus frowned. "It counts."

Harry and Remus both gave him pointed looks.

"Okay, fine. I wish…" Severus sighed, the laughter in his eyes dying out a bit. "I hope for
Draco to find his way back to us. I want him here with us, he should be here."

And with that, Harry offered his dad another hug to comfort him. A real hug this time.
Severus hugged Harry back tight before letting go. "At least I have you, kid," he said. Remus
reached out and intertwined his fingers with Severus'. "I'm okay," Severus said to him.

Severus had made sure to check on Draco twice before the night of New Year's Eve. Harry
had wondered why Severus still bothered. When Severus had returned from both visits, he'd
told Harry that Draco would hardly speak to him. And now hearing Severus say his wish,
seeing the worry and hurt in his eyes for his godson, Harry could see that Severus was never
going to give up on him. And Harry realized how foolish he'd been before, not trusting
Severus to watch out for Draco. Draco had the best godfather watching his back.

Anger at Draco for not appreciating Severus' efforts in trying to help him, rose up in Harry.
Then the anger turned into frustration, then into guilt that pooled heavily into Harry's
stomach, because he had made a vow to himself and to Draco that he was going to find a way
to get him out of his deadly situation, but Harry had given up after the night he and Draco
shared a kiss for the first time. It just left Harry so confused, that he found that he needed
space and time away from Draco as well. Harry wasn't ready to figure out the meaning
behind their shared kiss, especially when Draco had made it quite clear that he wanted Harry
to stay away from him until the war was over. But then Draco asked to kiss him again, and
Harry agreed and had no idea what it meant. He had no idea why Draco asked him if he could
kiss him again, then wanted him to leave. And so during the holidays, Harry was content in
just letting Draco be.

"What's your wish, Harry," Remus asked, pulling Harry out of his thoughts.

"I wish… I wish…" Harry didn't know what to wish for. At the moment, he had what he
wanted most. He was no longer locked in a cupboard, unwanted, forgotten… Harry had
parents now. Something that used to be so foreign to him, a dream so out of his reach…
Parents who loved him and would always fight for him. Parents who wished for more days
like this with him, who wished for Draco's return, a missing member to their little family.

Harry grinned at his dads. "It's not as sappy as your's. I wish Ron and Hermione could just
bloody kiss already. If I have to spend another year with them fighting, I'm going to go mad."

Severus rolled his eyes at the mention of Harry's best friends.

"Heavens, that would bring everyone at Hogwarts some peace and quiet if that came true,"
Remus chuckled.

"Let's toast to some peace and quiet after this bloody war," Severus said.

They all clinked their mugs once more and sipped their hot butterbeer.

"I have an idea," Remus suddenly said. He stood up from where they were sitting, the corner
in the living room with the bookshelves and board games. Their game of Battleship on the
round ottoman, long forgotten.

Harry and Severus watched Remus point his wand to one of the wooden bookcases, and on
the side of it he carved his and Harry's wishes with their initials. Severus and Harry stood up,
inspecting the newly added feature carved into the wood. Severus gave Remus a quizzical
look and added his own wish as well.
"Remus?" Harry could only say with surprise.

"Next New Year's Eve, no matter what happens, no matter where the war has landed us,
together or apart, we'll carve out our next wishes here. Just to show each other that no matter
what happens, we're still a family. A werewolf, an ex-Death Eater/spy and the Boy-Who-
Lived… Or should I say, the Chosen One, Harry?" Remus grinned with mischief.

"Hey!" Harry grumbled at that, but he found that he couldn't stay too annoyed at Remus'
teasing.

He admired the carvings again, then looked back at Remus. "This is the most brilliant idea
you've ever had, da… Remus!"

Remus raised an eyebrow at his slip. Severus whipped his attention to Harry, but not saying a
word. Severus then drew his attention back to the carvings on the shelf.

"Um, I love it," Harry finished awkwardly, feeling the blush creeping up to his cheeks and the
back of his neck.

Remus smiled, "Thanks, cub." But his eyes were on Severus now as he said it, and they
became soft and sad.

Harry turned his attention to his dad, who had remained quiet throughout his and Remus'
exchange. Severus was looking at the carved wishes, running a hand over the deep etchings
in the wood. His dark eyes glistened in the dim lighting of the living room and Harry wanted
to ask why, but he didn't. He didn't want to know the answer to that question. Harry wanted to
stay in blissful ignorance and believe that next year, they would all be here together, carving
their new wishes into the bookshelf.

During the rest of the days leading up to the spring term at Hogwarts, Harry had begun to
notice a change with Remus. He had grown quieter, he didn't really joke around with Harry
and Severus as much as he used to. He'd stopped laughing, he barely smiled. He always
seemed to be lost in his own head. Harry often wondered what Remus was thinking about to
cause such a drastic change in behavior. He even tried asking a couple of times, but Remus
always insisted that he was fine or that he just had a headache. And he would always find
Remus taking naps during long hours of the day, until Severus would return home and wake
him so he could eat something. Remus would always look so exhausted, the dark circles
under his eyes had become a permanent feature on his pale face.

Every night, Harry would wake up to see the orange glow of the living room fireplace
seeping in through the crack underneath his bedroom door, telling Harry that Remus wasn't
sleeping. That had to explain the daytime naps and the exhaustion. Harry had grown very
worried for Remus. Why couldn't he sleep at night? Was it nightmares? Harry figured the
incident with Greyback and Rowan had affected Remus more greatly than he had let on.
Harry was certain of it, what else could be the cause of all this? Sometimes, Harry could hear
Remus retching through the thin walls of the bathroom and Severus' muffled voice. At least it
seemed as if Severus knew what was going on with Remus.

It was now the last day of the winter holiday. Most of Harry's things were dumped carelessly
on his bed, unpacked and not at all ready for the journey back to Hogwarts tomorrow. Harry
was going to get dropped off at the Burrow first thing tomorrow morning so he could take the
train with his friends. If anyone outside his friends group asked Harry where he'd spent the
holidays, it was with the Weasleys. The Burrow had finally been rebuilt with help from the
Order, and the Weasleys were able to move back in on New Year's day.

The cabin was quiet at the moment and as much as Harry knew he was going to miss his new
home, his new bedroom, and all the free time spent with Severus and Remus, he couldn't wait
to get back to school. He missed his friends. He hadn't seen them since Christmas, and
Hermione not since the beginning of the winter holidays. Also, Ron had written to Harry in
his last letter that Ginny and Dean broke up, complaining that Ginny has been a nightmare
ever since. It gave Harry a bit of hope, rekindling his smothered feelings for her. Maybe now
with Dean Thomas out of the way, Harry finally had a chance again.

Severus had left for his usual hours spent in his lab each day. Remus was most likely taking a
nap somewhere, he had disappeared after lunch, telling Harry to make sure he had everything
ready for tomorrow and for his homework to be completed. That's what Harry was currently
doing, working on the last of his holiday homework. It was his Potions essay. Severus wanted
to look over it when he returned home later that evening.

The joys of living with two professors, Harry thought with a sigh.

The Half-Blood Prince's book sat beside his textbooks, using it as a reference for his essay.
Harry had kept pausing in his work to flip through it, reading some of the tiny handwriting
that would catch his attention and trying to figure out who this Prince person was and why
the handwriting was just so achingly familiar, to the point that it nagged at the edges of
Harry's memory. He was sure he'd seen it before, but where?

Harry put down the book and made himself refocus on his essay. And when he was finally
done with it, Harry leaned back in his chair. His eyes on the Prince's book again. He suddenly
had the bright idea to try finding the Prince in one of the books in Lyall Lupin's study. Inside,
there was a small library that Harry hadn't yet to research through, and with Severus out of
the cabin and Remus possibly still asleep, now was a good time to do so without being
interrupted or being asked any questions.

But unfortunately, Harry's plan was thwarted when he found Remus stirring from sleep on the
worn threadbare sofa in Lyall's study. A blue book with a sewn-in wolf on its spine was
draped over his chest, as if he'd fallen asleep from reading it. Remus squinted his eyes at
Harry with a sleepy frown on his face, and when he realized who was standing at the
doorway, Remus slowly sat up and gently closed the book, placing it on the side table.

"Harry?" Remus muttered sleepily.

"Um…sorry… I didn't know you were in here," Harry replied awkwardly.

"No, it's okay," Remus yawned. "I was just waking up."

Harry watched Remus stretch out his limbs, and he couldn't help but notice that Remus had
lost a bit of weight. And he looked so exhausted, despite him just waking from a long nap.

"Remus?" Harry asked with hesitation and concern.

"Yes, cub?" Remus replied, his hazel eyes on Harry.

Harry noticed that they were a bit haunted, as if the nap he'd taken had been filled with
nightmares.

"I know something is going on with you, and if you feel like you can't tell me what's going
on, you're at least talking to Severus about it, right?"

Remus' eyes filled with alarm at what Harry said, then they grew sad. "I didn't mean to worry
you… I apologize… I don't mean for you to see me like this…like…" Remus ran a hand
through his gray-flecked hair, smoothing out his bedhead.

"You look like you're falling apart," Harry said truthfully. "Is this because of what happened
on Christmas?"

Remus only nodded, his hand traveling to his neck, fixing the Slytherin scarf he had taken to
wearing to hide his bandaged bite wound.

During lunch yesterday, it was just Harry and Remus. Remus was practically falling asleep
over his plate. Harry, who had been silently watching Remus as he ate his lunch, asked about
it. His question brought Remus back to alertness and he'd said it was almost closed up,
leaving a hideous scar in its place. Harry told him that he didn't need to hide it. It earned him
a small and rare smile from Remus, who said that he still wanted to. Harry then apologized
for asking and Remus said that he didn't mind it when Harry asked questions. That made
Harry feel so warm inside and he wanted to hug Remus tight, because questions have always
been forbidden for him at Privet Drive. But before he could do it, Remus threw a piece of
bread at Harry, resulting in an epic food fight, that they both swore to each other as they
cleaned up their mess that Severus would never find out about it.

"It seems like you're having a hard time coping after seeing Greyback again and with what
Rowan did to you… And you never really did tell me exactly what happened to you in that
cellar," Harry continued, fishing for some answers.

Remus frowned at Harry's words, thinking a bit before saying, "And it's something I can't
share with you just yet. Forgive me, Harry, I don't mean to keep things from you… It's just
difficult to talk about."

Harry understood the feeling all too well of not just wanting to open up, but physically not
being able to talk about things that had happened to him, terrible things… Harry could barely
talk about his most painful memories from growing up at Privet Drive without it resulting in
an embarrassing panic attack.
"It's okay, you don't have to say anymore. I understand," Harry said.

With Harry's understanding, Remus gave him a look of pure relief. It made Harry feel bad for
prying, so he let the subject drop, finding that he wasn't at all angry for being left out. Harry
was just sad and worried, and he hoped that whatever it was, Severus was helping Remus
through it.

Remus must've seen the concern on Harry's face. He sighed and beckoned Harry over to him.

"I really am okay, and I apologize for worrying you," Remus said once Harry was settled next
to him on the sofa. "I've just been doing some intensive research."

"Is that why you haven't been sleeping at night?" Harry asked, looking up at Remus.

Remus met his gaze and nodded.

"Why don't you do it during the day so that you're not left feeling so exhausted?"

What Harry really wanted to ask was what kind of research Remus was doing that was
making him so sick at night. But he was trying to respect Remus' wish of not prying… It was
bloody hard.

"I work better at night," was all Remus said, looking away.

He knew Remus wasn't telling the truth, which irritated him. Harry was fine with Remus
refusing to talk about certain things. He understood that Remus needed space and privacy, it's
what Harry always wanted when he was stuck in his own feelings, but to lie to him about it?

"Is it about werewolves and what Rowan did to you?"

Because what else could it be? This odd behavior of Remus' had started right after the attack
on Christmas.

"Is that what you're researching?!" Harry snapped.

"Yes…" Remus said after a long pause, as if he weren't sure if he should be answering
Harry's questions.

"But why? You're not planning on leaving again to spy on them, are you?"

"Not right now. I have to get you and your classmates through the spring term."

Harry knew that wasn't a straight answer. Remus had said Not right now… That wasn't a yes,
but not exactly a no either. Harry studied Remus' face as he answered him. His hazel-green
eyes were so tired and full of hesitation. It was clear he was uncomfortable with answering
Harry's questions, yet he was still somewhat answering them. Standing by what he'd told
Harry about it being okay to always ask him whatever questions he wanted.

"But it's on your mind, a possibility once the term ends. Is that why you were being so
melancholy on New Year's Eve?"
"I haven't made any decisions regarding the future!" Remus snapped.

It was unlike Remus to lose patience so quickly like that. Harry flinched from it, then he
quickly recollected himself.

"You promised you wouldn't take any more dangerous missions like that!" Harry snapped
back. He had taken Remus' impatience as confirmation to there being a possible mission and
that Remus was seriously considering it. And all of his feelings of understanding had
evaporated out of him. He was bloody prying!

Remus had whipped his attention back on Harry, sighing with exasperation, "Harry, it's not
that I want to…"

"Then don't!" Harry shouted. "But if you must, can't you just tell me about it? That way I
know why you're considering breaking your promise again to me. You said you would always
be around, but how can you be if you get yourself killed for another stupid mission?!"

"I don't mean to keep things from you. I wish I could tell you. You're right, it would help you
to understand everything better, but I just can't. I apologize for this, cub, I really do…"

"Why not?! I'm not a bloody little kid anymore, I'm going to be seventeen this year!"

But Remus just regretfully shook his head at him. "Harry…" he said, his voice pleading for
him to understand his side of the argument, but how could Harry understand it if Remus
wouldn't tell him what was going on? He was being left in the dark, as always!

Harry crossed his arms, looking away from Remus and snapped out with annoyance and
frustration and just a bit of hurt, "You can't tell me, it's fine! I got it!"

"Hey, don't speak to me that way!" Remus scolded.

Harry flinched again, his arms still crossed against his chest and his eyes were now casted
down on his lap. "I'm sorry," he muttered.

"Please, Harry, understand that I really wish I can tell you what's going on without there
being any consequences. I know you're brave, resourceful and smart. You're almost an adult,
but also still a teenager. And you and your friends have gotten each other out of some pretty
sticky situations without the aid of any adults. I understand that you can take care of yourself,
that you don't deserve to be kept in the dark. I understand the frustration of that, and I know
that is what's making you upset. I really do regret keeping this from you, it's just too
dangerous," Remus said.

Harry didn't respond, just continued sulking and feeling a bit triggered from Remus'
uncharacteristically short temper.

"Harry, look at me," Remus pleaded.

And when Harry didn't respond, Remus gently grabbed his chin and forced Harry to look up
at him, finding himself caught in sincere hazel eyes.
"I don't want you to be a part of this in any way. I can't deal with the horror of that. I'm not
putting you in the crossfire between me and Greyback again, especially if I can help it this
time."

Harry tore his chin out of Remus' grasp.

"And Dumbledore must've also told you to keep things quiet? This screams him all over,"
Harry said with resignation.

"He plays a part in my decision," Remus winced.

Harry huffed out with annoyance, "Of course he does."

And the pause after that was a bit tense, until Remus nudged Harry gently with his shoulder,
who was perfectly content to stew in his feelings but with one small lopsided smile from
Remus, Harry found himself almost forgiving him.

"Come on… Let's not waste the day in argument," Remus insisted.

Harry rolled his eyes and looked away, only to receive another nudge from Remus, causing
him to smile a bit.

And now torn between amusement and frustration, Harry sighed. He didn't want to argue
with Remus as well, and it was the last day of the Christmas break. He side-eyed Remus, still
feeling his worried hazel gaze on him. A small part of him still wanted to continue their
argument, if only it would lead him to answers. But Remus already made it quite clear, he
was adamant about keeping secrets for Harry's own safety, and Remus really did look
exhausted and stressed out, like he was internally drowning, falling apart, and Harry didn't
have the heart to add any more to his mysterious troubles.

Fine, I won't fucking pry anymore! Harry thought to himself instead of saying it aloud, only
because he didn't want to get scolded again, this time for language. It wasn't Harry's fault he'd
picked up some of Severus' colorful vocabulary.

"Come on, cub!"

Harry still didn't say anything. He wanted to sulk a bit longer.

Suddenly, Remus threw an arm around Harry and began to sing off-key…

"Hey Jude, don't be afraid

Take a sad song and make it it better

Remember to let her into your heart!"

Harry groaned, "Remus!"

"And any time you feel the pain!

Hey, Jude! Refrain!

Don't carry the world upon your shoulders!

Na na na na na na na na!

Hey, Jude!"

"You sound drunk!" Harry laughed. "You're not even singing it right!"

"Ah! But I've got you laughing again!" Remus said back between his own fits of laughter.
"That means my plan on cheering you up has worked and we aren't arguing anymore. I say,
mischief managed!"

Harry pushed Remus away. "You're so annoying!" he said, causing Remus to laugh even
harder. And Harry couldn't help but fall into laughter with him, it was a relief to hear Remus
laugh again.

Once they had finally both calmed down, catching their breaths, Remus asked Harry, "What
brings you to the study? You hardly come in here."

"Do you know anything about princes in the wizarding world?" Harry asked. If he couldn't
get answers about Remus' mysterious mission and the cause of his strange behavior, then
maybe he could get some answers for a different problem.

"Like in the muggle world?" Remus asked, furrowing his eyebrows at Harry's strange and
sudden question. "The king and queen of England?"

"Yeah, sort of like that."

"No, it's always been the Ministry. We've never had any royal family ruling over us. The
Malfoys are the closest we have to that, pure-blooded royalty they think they are," Remus
said with disgust. "Why do you ask?"

Harry shrugged and said nonchalantly, "No reason, really… I just came across a name in a
book I was reading for homework."

It isn't really a lie… Harry guiltily told himself. He was reading the Potions book for his
homework, sort of….

"Is there any ancient family called Prince?"

Remus thought about it for a moment, looking through his memory for any mention of a
Prince bloodline. "Not that I'm aware of for this generation at least."

"Oh, it's okay. That's why I came here, to see if I could find the name in any of these books,"
Harry said, nodding at the few shelves containing Lyall Lupin's small collection.

"Hmmm…" Remus looked at Harry with curiosity. "Should I be asking why this mysterious
name is suddenly so important to you?"
Harry shrugged and said slyly, "You have your secrets and I have mine."

Remus chuckled at that. "Fair enough," he said. "Would you mind if I help you look through
the books? I promise I won't ask any more questions about it."

"That would be great," Harry smiled.

They spent the rest of the afternoon searching for the name, until the afternoon turned into
evening and the words in the books began to swim on their pages. They didn't find anything.
No mention of a family that goes by the name of Prince. Harry didn't know why this was so
important to him, and he was glad that Remus didn't ask any more questions about it as
promised, because he wouldn't even know how to answer them. Harry was just so curious to
find out who the owner was of his old and battered Potions book. The Half-Blood Prince was
clearly brilliant back in his time, so brilliant that he was able to improve potions and create
his own spells. The Prince was more than just brilliant, he was a genius.

Once they'd agreed to give up on their fruitless search, Harry and Remus decided to get
dinner started without Severus. After that, with still no sign of Severus, they cleaned up the
kitchen and resumed their waiting in the living room. Severus had promised he'd be back in
time for dinner. He was always back by then, and as another hour passed, Harry was trying
not to let himself think about Severus possibly getting called by Voldemort again, but he was
failing.

Remus must have noticed his anxious behavior, because he suddenly insisted on building a
fort with all of the living room pillows and couch cushions. Remus didn't even give Harry the
choice, he just threw a large cushion at him and told him to get to work. Harry looked down
at his arms and saw that they were a bit red, and he realized that Remus was just trying to
distract him from his worry and anxiety for Severus' tardiness, and Harry welcomed the
distraction. Building a fort seemed way more fun than waiting and scratching, besides it was
still very possible that Severus had just gotten caught up in his work.

Together they moved the coffee table to the side to make an open space. Remus used a charm
for the sheets, creating a tent-like structure over the sofas to keep it from falling apart. Harry
was in charge of making the inside as comfortable as possible, using the large couch cushions
and any pillows and blankets he could find. Remus found a string of Christmas lights that
were accidentally left out when they had packed away all of the Christmas decorations the
day after New Year's Day. He hung them up inside, giving the fort a warm and twinkling
cozy vibe. It reminded Harry of himself and Remus laying under the Christmas tree.

Harry was now in his pajamas, sitting in the fort with his back leaning against a huge couch
cushion, scribbling random doodles in his sketchbook. Harry was trying to get as much
practice in before the evening ended, also it was helping him to not worry for Severus. Harry
had decided to leave all of his art stuff at the cabin. To keep it all safe, just in case… He also
didn't want to risk the other Gryffindor boys seeing his artwork. His cheeks warmed a bit at
the thought.
Remus was sitting near the entrance of the fort, cross-legged and facing the fireplace as he
strummed his guitar, pausing every now and then to jot something down in his battered
muggle notebook that was balanced on his knee.

They hadn't really spoken much, so absorbed in their activities, except for the few times of
Remus reassuring Harry that Severus was just late and should be coming home any moment,
and to tease each other or argue if using magic to build a fort was cheating or not. It ended
when Remus asked Harry if he wanted the fort to fall apart on top of them.

He wasn't sure if it was because of the warmth and comfort of the fort or because of the soft
melody Remus was playing, but Harry started to feel his eyes growing a bit heavy. He closed
them for a bit, leaning his head back against the cushion and sinking down a bit, but as soon
as he felt himself drifting off, Bellatrix's laughter rang in his ears.

Harry snapped his eyes open and looked over at Remus, who was writing something down.
His guitar was now placed on the floor in front of him.

Watching his second dad, Harry was surprised to find himself suddenly wanting to talk to
him. They hadn't really fully talked about what happened on Christmas, just once during
breakfast the morning after it happened, but it had been difficult for Harry to open up. He
hadn't been ready, but now… Now was his last chance to have a moment with Remus alone,
a last chance to talk to him without Hogwarts getting in the way. Harry wondered if there was
a small chance of Remus possibly being upset with him still, even though he insisted that
everything was okay between them… But a bit of time has passed… And Harry knew, no…
he could feel that the brick wall that used to seperate him and Remus was now nothing but a
pile of rubble and there was nothing really stopping him anymore from opening up to Remus,
except Harry, himself. He just had to find the courage now.

Harry closed his sketchpad, placing all of his stuff to the side.

"Remus?" Harry asked, his voice full of hesitation and a bit shy even. "Can I tell you
something?"

Remus immediately looked up and turned his head towards Harry, putting down his pen. "Of
course you can, cub. You can talk to me about anything, just like what I've told you about
asking questions. You know that, don't you?"

Harry nodded, his eyes blurring a bit with tears. He didn't know why those words suddenly
made him feel so touched. Perhaps he was still getting used to having someone as close to a
father telling him it was okay to talk to them, that it was okay to ask as many questions as he
liked without getting screamed at for it. It was the fact that Harry was feeling worthy enough
to be heard. Remus and Severus always made him feel like that, no matter what, no matter his
and Remus' big row or the small spat they had earlier that day.

Remus must've seen Harry's eyes watering, because he suddenly stopped his writing,
dropping everything besides his guitar and immediately scooting over to Harry who was
trying very hard to keep his composure, but he was failing miserably.
"Hey… Hey… Hey!" Remus placed an arm around Harry, pulling him against his side. "No,
don't cry… Oh, come here, cub," he said comfortingly, his eyes on Harry, filled with concern.

In the fort, Remus' eyes were so dark, that Harry could barely spot any green. And he tensed
a bit at Remus' touch, but he immediately relaxed himself, knowing it was just Remus. If
Remus had noticed it, he didn't react, and Harry was grateful for that.

Harry took off his glasses and wiped his eyes, before putting them back on.

"Before…before…" Harry stammered, feeling the difficulty of talking about how the
Dursleys mistreated him full-force. Harry realized he hadn't really opened up like this to
Remus before, voluntarily choosing to talk to him without Remus having to coax it out of
him.

"It's okay, take your time," Remus assured him.

Harry looked up at Remus. "I tell you something and you tell me something."

Remus tilted his head a bit for an explanation.

"That's what Severus and I do when he wants me to open up and talk to him."

"And you like doing that?" Remus asked.

Harry nodded. "It helps. He had a rotten childhood like me. That was how it started, the
whole talking thing. It was how he was able to get me out of my wall. Severus connecting
with me like that, it reminds me that he understands what I went through. He's felt the same
childhood pain and fear towards a parent who was supposed to love him."

"That sounds like a brilliant idea," Remus said softly, yet his voice was full of sadness to
what Harry had told him. "Do you want to go first or should I?"

Harry took a deep breath. "I always go first, just in case I end up changing my mind."

"And it's okay if you do. I'm here for you either way."

And as an answer to that, Harry snuggled closer to Remus, enjoying the feelings of warmth
and safety, just like with Severus… But Remus' scent was different. It wasn't the herbs from
Severus' potions or of coffee or the scent of freshly laundered robes and the shampoo he uses.
It was chocolate and books and the softness of wool sweaters, the cackling fireplace. It was
the scent of home, of the cabin in the woods. It was Remus. It was his second dad.

And realizing all of that, taking it all in, Harry suddenly found it a bit easier to talk.

"Before Severus picked me up from Privet Drive, I was in a very dark place, just like you. I
kept having nightmares of Bellatrix killing Sirius and of you holding me back, telling me he
was gone…and of her laughter… I would wake up every time with it in my head. I was
reliving Sirius' death every single night and I was alone and sick from missing Sirius so
much. I couldn't eat and my cutting grew worse. It was so out of control, and I thought I had
control… I thought cutting gave me control, but it didn't, it just consumed me."
"Oh, Harry…" Remus said so softly.

Harry looked up, catching Remus' gaze, holding eye contact. "I wanted to die, Remus," he
said so softly, but he knew Remus heard him, because he held Harry tighter to his side. "The
first time I had that thought wasn't when I tried jumping off that waterfall. It was before
Severus picked me up. And I've been wanting to tell you this, especially because you went
through the same thing, and I knew you would understand, but I was scared and I couldn't. I
just felt so far away from you."

"I'm right here, cub. I'll always be right here, go on now, I'm listening."

Harry took a deep breath and continued, "My uncle was strangling me because of a list of
chores he'd given me. It had to be finished before he arrived back home from work that day,
but it was too much, it was impossible. I couldn't finish it and he'd punished me. As always, I
tried fighting him off me, but I was tired and feeling so low of myself, that I stopped. I let
him choke the life right out of me. I thought about dying, and I figured it would just be so
easy to go this way. It would just be better for everyone if I didn't exist anymore.

Then my uncle realized what I was doing. He'd instantly dropped me and he left me there on
the floor, gasping for air. I just laid there, hoping someone would come and help me, to just
show an ounce of care for me, but they never came and I was alone there… I've never felt so
alone like that before…truly alone… My uncle…he knew… He knew I tried to die and he
just left. He didn't care."

Harry stopped his story, his body had started shaking against Remus, and he tried to take a
deep breath, but he found that he couldn't. Harry tried not to panic, but he could feel it
creeping up…the beginnings of a panic attack… No, not right now! Harry inwardly pleaded
with himself.

And Remus knew what was going on. "It's alright, cub, hold on, maybe this might help…"
He shifted Harry so that the side of his face was pressed against Remus' chest. Harry could
hear Remus' beating heart, feel it thumping steadily against him and it began to calm him. A
beating heart, the scents of home. The safety and comfort Remus was giving him. It was love
and happiness and family, everything Harry had craved for during his entire childhood, and
the fact that now he could have that with two people, two dads. How did he get so lucky?

"I remember you telling me a bit of this once, of you being on the floor and feeling alone.
This was when you had started feeling angry towards me, wasn't it?" Remus said, his voice
causing vibrations in his chest.

"Yeah," Harry gasped out.

"Breathe with me,” Remus said.

They inhaled and exhaled together, until Harry was able to take in a deep breath and let it out
slowly. He sighed with relief after that, feeling much better, much calmer that he could
continue, but Harry didn't move, preferring to stay where he was, listening to Remus' soft
comforting words along with his beating heart.
"I'm so sorry you had felt so alone. I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you. And those muggles,
they don't matter anymore. They are truly horrible beings that don't deserve to have you as a
son. You have me and Severus now. We care for you, we love you, and that is all that matters.
You are no longer alone."

Harry felt his eyes sting a bit at that, but he held himself together. "When I saw Bellatrix that
night, those nightmares and those feelings of wanting to die and feeling so alone, it all came
rushing back and it turned into anger. I wanted Bellatrix dead, I needed her dead, because she
was the one who made me feel all of that, and it scared me. I just ran after her without any
thought but those feelings. And even though you said there was no way I could ever perform
the killing curse, I couldn't believe it. I felt like I hated her so much that night, that I could've
done it. That was why I was so angry and defensive with you. You couldn't understand the
magnitude of my emotions and why, but it wasn't your fault. You didn't know. And I couldn't
tell you any of it, but I wanted to and it made me mad that I couldn't… And I'm so sorry for
scaring you so badly that night, for making you so angry and those terrible words I said to
you…"

"Take a deep breath," Remus whispered, rubbing steady circles on his back.

Harry hadn't realized he was gasping for air again, and so he listened to his dad, taking deep
breaths with him, until Harry was finally ready to finish what he was trying to say.

"I was scared that I wanted Bellatrix dead that much, and I didn't know what to do about it. I
felt like a monster, a person without a soul, because how does wanting someone dead that
much make me a good person? To want someone to hurt so bad, to want their life to be
gone… How does that make me good? Sometimes, I don't see what you and Severus see in
me. I don't see a good person destined to save the wizarding world. When I look in the
mirror, I just see the freak I was raised to believe I was. Maybe that's all I really am and you
and Severus just feel bad for me…"

"No…no, Harry, stop that. Be kinder to yourself. Severus and I certainly don't pity you like
that. We love you, you're our kid and certainly not a freak. I know how much you struggle
with that. Those negative thoughts you are having are the voices your aunt and uncle had put
into your head, believe me I know what that is like. For me, it is my father's voice, always
telling me to control the wolf inside me. It's Greyback's voice telling me I am a monster and
not human. When that happens, think about me and Severus and how much we love you."

Remus wrapped his arms around Harry when he couldn't respond, holding him tight,
whispering to him, "You are good…you're good… Even if you felt all of that towards
Bellatrix, don't forget that she'd wronged you in the worst possible way. She's taken the most
important person in your life. She's taken everything from you and she keeps taking from
you. She is the reason why you were at your lowest that summer, and it's normal that you feel
all of that anger towards her. It's okay… It doesn't make you a bad person."

And all Harry could do was choke out with tears, "Dad…"

"It's okay, Harry… It's okay…" Remus kept whispering to him over and over.
Once Harry was finally done with crying, he pulled away from Remus and sat up, wiping his
face with a handkerchief Remus summoned over for him.

"I'm sorry for being so mental and crying all over you," Harry said.

"Don't you ever apologize for that," Remus said, pulling himself up into a sitting position.

"Okay, thanks for listening to me."

"That's what fathers are for," Remus said with a soft and happy smile. He reached over and
touched Harry's cheek, wiping away the rest of the tears.

Harry felt himself warm a bit at those words. "You don't mind if I call you dad?"

"Never… In fact, I've noticed your slip-ups and I've been waiting for you to finally call me
dad without being so shy about it."

Harry smiled at that, noticing how happy Remus looked at the thought of Harry calling him
dad.

"Maybe I should call you pops or papa instead. Addressing both you and Severus dad might
get confusing."

"Whatever you want,” Remus happily agreed.

"It's your turn now," Harry said.

And the happiness in Remus' hazel eyes turned into a deep sadness. Harry watched him take
a deep breath before pulling off his wool sweater, then lifted up his t-shirt just enough so
Harry could see Remus' chest. At first, Harry couldn't understand what Remus was trying to
show him, what Harry should be looking at, then he finally saw it. Harry felt his breath hitch
with his shock and horror. There was a huge scar just right over Remus' heart. And it wasn't
just any normal scar, Harry realized. It looked like a burn scar made by a hot rod. Was Remus
branded? Harry read the label… Werewolf: Classified Dark Creature. Someone had burned
that label into his skin! Harry felt sick.

"Remus!" Harry gasped. "Who…"

Remus flinched and said before Harry could finish his question, "Greyback did that to me. It
was a hot silver rod. So I could never forget that I'm not a human, but a dark creature.
Everything you said about wanting Bellatrix dead, to the point that you might be able to kill
her, I've felt that with Greyback. Everything that you've said about feeling like a freak, I feel
the same way about being a monster. Sometimes it amazes me that Severus loves me, that
you want to call me your dad. It amazes me that I am worthy of that sort of love when I feel
so wretched inside sometimes, just like what you struggle with, but we need to remember to
give ourselves some credit, be kinder to ourselves and ignore those voices. All they wanted to
do was hurt us, Harry, but all they've done was make us stronger. We need to fight them back,
and that is by loving ourselves. We both have to remember that, okay?"
Harry could only nod to what Remus was saying. And Remus pulled his shirt back down,
then put his sweater back on. Harry couldn't help but notice that Remus left the scarf off.

"Are you okay? I'm sorry if that was too much. You look a bit green."

"No, I'm glad you showed me that… I just have a question."

"Go for it, cub," Remus said.

"Did it hurt really bad? Are you okay?"

"Yes, it did hurt, but don't you worry, I'm okay now and believe me, I've had worse injuries.
It's just living with it, that is the hard part."

Harry nodded and reached over, pressing his hand over Remus' heart, feeling the steady beat.
"Maybe it can be easier to bear it if this can remind you of what you are not, instead of what
Greyback wants you to believe you are. Use it to fight against his voice in your head."

Remus smiled and covered Harry's hand with his own, squeezing it. And through the gesture,
Harry could feel how touched Remus felt at his suggestion. "I've never thought of looking at
the label that way. That is a very smart idea, thank you, cub. I'll try and remember that."

"Especially the days before your changes and after."

"Will, do, Harry."

Harry moved his hand away. "I have another question."

"Go on," Remus chuckled with amusement.

"What were you writing in your notebook?"

Remus suddenly became shy and said, "A song…"

"Oh, can I see it? If you don't mind, that is?"

"Of course, do you want to help me write some of it?"

"Yeah!"

Remus laughed at Harry's excitement and summoned his notebook and pen to his
outstretched hand, then leaned back against the couch cushion again. Harry made himself
comfortable beside him as Remus flipped to the page he was working on. He showed it to
Harry. There were a lot of scribbles and crossed-out sentences and phrases, and the writing
was messy with added words and sentences crowding the margins, but Harry was still able to
make out a set of lyrics.

"I'm going to sing them out to you. It's going to be choppy, okay?" Remus said to Harry.

Harry nodded.
"Another year you made a promise

Another chance to turn it all around

And do not save this for tomorrow

Embrace the past and you can live for now

And I will give the world to you…

Speak louder than the words before you

And give them meaning no one else has found

The role we play is so important

We are the voices of the underground

And I will give the world to you…"

Then Remus suddenly stopped. Harry was left gaping at him, his mouth hanging open and
speechless.

"It's in the works," Remus said weakly.

"Remus! What do you mean choppy, that was already so brilliant!"

Remus shrugged the compliment away. "Well, I'm glad you think so because this song is for
you."

The snow on the Hogwarts grounds glistened as the sun finished setting, the last of the sun's
rays casting its weak light over the untouched snow, except for the large trodden footpaths
created by Hagrid. There were three, one leading to the forest, one down to Hagrid's hut, and
one leading to the gates of the castle and further out to the Apparition point.

Severus and Albus were currently walking on the path that led to the dark forest. The air was
cold and crisp, biting Severus' cheek and nose. Severus had regretted not wearing his scarf
today, but Remus had taken to wearing it around the cabin to hide his bandaged wound and
Severus couldn't bring himself to take it away from him. Besides, Slytherin-green looked
rather good on the werewolf, it brought the green out of Remus' hazel eyes. And thinking
about those hazel-green eyes, Severus just wanted nothing more at the moment than to be
home with him.

Severus had spent the whole day preparing potions for his spring curriculum, also taking care
to restock Madam Pomfrey's medicinal supply. His Animagus Potion, of course, was still on
hiatus until the next electrical storm. Draco, as always, was just a stubborn pain today. And
so the afternoon had passed like any other day when Severus had visited Hogwarts for
several hours, except today. On his way to floo back home through Remus' office, Severus
had the misfortune to run into Albus in the Defense corridor, delaying his arrival to the cabin.

The conversation between Albus and Severus had started as friendly as it could be, since the
last time they'd spoken days ago had turned into Severus kicking the headmaster out of the
cabin. The polite exchange of words didn't last long and their conversation had started to take
a serious turn, so Severus decided to leave the castle through the Apparition point to prevent
any staff members from overhearing their conversation, plus he didn't want Albus following
him through the floo network and into the cabin. Hopefully after a walk through the grounds,
the headmaster would finish everything he wanted to say to Severus.

"You cannot be serious about sending Remus off on another mission that could only lead him
to his death! Especially after what happened to him on the last one! Is the favor of
werewolves on our side of the war really worth the risk on Remus' life?" Severus was arguing
with Albus. The sounds of crunching snow under their feet. They reached the edge of the
forest and Severus stopped in his tracks, he would walk no further.

The evening was quickly turning into night, Severus realized with impatience. Albus was
keeping him far too long. He was sure Remus already had dinner waiting for him. He didn't
want Remus to worry about Severus' late arrival, nor Harry, who always seemed to get
triggered by Severus' long absences.

Albus took Severus' cue and stopped walking as well. "This is Greyback's pack we are
dealing with, Severus," Albus responded much more calmly than the way Severus was
speaking to him. "Think of the change Remus can do as their leader."

"You're forgetting that his leadership is compromised by Rowan. Remus won't fully have
control with that mating bond between them," Severus growled.

The thought of that wretched beast daring to claim Remus for his own, like some object. The
thought of Rowan touching Remus, thinking of him in that sick twisted way, made Severus
seethe in anger. For the millionth time, Severus had to suppress the urge to go find that
werewolf and curse him into oblivion, to curse him until he wished he'd never dared to lay his
filthy hands on Remus like that.

And to say that Remus was coping well after being assaulted with Rowan's mating bite, was a
far, far cry. The days that followed after New Years, Remus started reading the ancient
werewolf books at night.

That meant that every single night, Severus would wake to find a cold and empty bed. He
would always find Remus in the living room. His eyes intensely reading each sentence with a
mixture of concentration and disgust. His face was always so very pale from the lack of
sleep, tinged with green, the shadows under his eyes so very dark.

Severus worried deeply for Remus, always insisting for him to come back to bed, but Remus
always refused. He was so bloody stubborn, but Severus was stubborn as well and would
always still insist on it, especially after Remus would get through the most ghastly chapters
with the most horrific and disgusting passages and sketches, causing Remus to run to the
bathroom to retch out the dinner he had hours before.
It was after one of those episodes when Remus was kneeling over the toilet, waiting for his
nausea to pass. Severus was beside him, rubbing his back to soothe him when Remus
explained why he couldn't give up on reading the books after Severus insisted on it again. He
had to understand the way the pack ran, what he was a leader to now. What his soul was tied
to… And Remus had said he couldn't read the books during the day. He couldn't stand for
Harry to see him struggle through them. After that, Severus couldn't fault him for his
stubbornness, for his reasoning, because Severus would want to know too if he was the one in
Remus' situation. And so after that conversation, Severus stopped insisting for Remus to give
up on reading those horrid books.

With no other choice in the matter, Severus sat with Remus every night, reading the books
together, soothing Remus after each bout of sickness that happened at least once or twice.
Severus also couldn't fault him for those episodes. There were times when Severus himself
almost felt like he was going to be sick as well.

And all of that was starting to take its toll on Remus who would be so exhausted during the
day, he could hardly keep his eyes open. He lost a bit of weight from constantly being sick, to
the point that his clothes began to hang a bit from his small frame. Sometimes, Severus
would catch Remus deep in thought, occasionally reaching up to touch his bandaged neck.
The wound was nearly healed, leaving a fresh new scar in its place that would never go away.
Remus was always making sure it was hidden. And it was in those quiet moments, that
Severus knew Remus was considering Albus' words. His proposal on a new mission and
whether Remus should take it or not.

It must be sickening for Remus to have to accept that his soul was now tied to being an alpha
to such an evil werewolf pack, who's entire past was covered in bloodshed. Joining them, he
would have to accept his place and it would go against everything Remus had fought his
entire life for. Severus hated Albus for doing this to Remus, for not allowing him to forget
about this whole thing and to just let Greyback's pack be leaderless forever. To be the cause
of Remus falling back in his dark place and Severus didn't know what to do for Remus,
except to just be there for him. To read the books alongside him, to be there to hand him a
glass of water and rub his back and soothe him with sweet nothings after each time Remus
was sick over the toilet. To make sure Remus wasn't disturbed when he was found napping
during the day. To make sure he was getting enough to eat. And that Remus knew that
whatever he chose, Severus was going to be by his side, no matter what.

Those were the hardships that Albus didn't see or even seemed to care about. He just saw
Remus as another fucking soldier to sacrifice for the greater good.

"How the fuck do you expect Remus to be a leader to this savage pack? They are nothing but
lowly creatures, monsters with not an ounce of goodness in them, with a leader who has this
obsession with Remus. As soon as he walks into that pack, he's walking to his death! There is
no fucking way that he would be able to change them so easily, not when they follow
traditions that are so ingrained into them!"

Albus gave Severus a curious look. He'd been silently listening to Severus rant out his
disapproval to him.
Severus caught the look and snapped at him, "Yes! I've been reading those books you've
given Remus! He was a fucking kid at the time and you gave those horrid books to him?! Has
Remus always just been a soldier to you? Just merely a link to the werewolf packs rather than
an actual person?"

"Severus, don't be so dramatic now. You know I've always held Remus in the highest regards.
I gave him those books because I knew he deserved to know the most darkest side of what his
kind could be. I knew he was strong enough to bear it. To learn from them, to…"

"To be prepared when you call him into your services!" Severus interrupted.

The look Albus shot at him, Severus knew he was right and the confirmation angered him
even more. Remus almost died on the last mission and he couldn't believe Albus was
considering making a new mission out of Remus' situation, to have him take the leadership,
after everything that happened... It was dangerous… More dangerous than the first mission
and there was no doubt that this time, they could lose Remus to it.

"You know this is going to change Remus. If he doesn't lose his life, he's going to lose his
spirit, his very soul, and you're okay with that? He's barely able to get through those books,
they make him physically sick! And still, you're okay with sacrificing Remus? You know he's
one of the most formidable wizards we have in the Order. It is without a doubt that Remus is
going to lose himself if he should take on this mission! He almost lost himself to the last one!
Did you not forget how I had to risk my magical core to pull him out of his head!"

"Severus, do not doubt me when I say that the pack is certainly not going to kill Remus nor
treat him as poorly as Greyback did to him at the camp. The traditions they follow run deep
in their blood. As soon as Remus walks up to the pack, they must welcome him as their
leader. They will be forced to accept him, to look at him in a new light and treat him with a
newfound respect, even show a bit of fear towards him."

Severus snorted with disgust.

"Greyback is losing control of his pack," Albus continued. "They know he isn't their leader
anymore. The rise of attacks from that pack since Remus had bested Greyback in their fight,
the numbers had gone up. Despite the evilness of Greyback, he understands the importance of
balance, he keeps them under control, but he's losing them. That is why he had Rowan give
Remus the mating bite, to force him to join, to try and control his leadership through Rowan's
influence..."

"No, you won't use Remus like that!" Severus shouted, cutting Albus off. "They can still hurt
him. Plus, this whole affair, it sickens Remus. You don't understand what I'm telling you. I've
been in his head! The idea of him being a leader to a pack like that, that scar he has on his
chest! This will show the wizarding world that he is a monster. It's going to prove to himself
that he is nothing more than a dark creature! This is going to break him. Doesn't that mean
anything to you?!"

"Of course it does, Severus, of course it does."

The silence around them was eerie. Albus surveyed Severus with his icy-blue eyes. Severus
glared at him, balling his shaking hands into fists.

"Then come with me right now to the cabin and tell him it was all just a misunderstanding!
That he doesn't have to accept his place as leader, that the mission has been disbanded.
Albus! Tell him he doesn't have to go through with it!" Severus all but demanded, his voice
coming out in a desperate raged filled plea.

Albus shook his head somberly, "I cannot and it kills me to send Remus back out there,
especially how the previous mission failed so disastrously, but we must all sacrifice… I'm
sorry…"

Here we go….

Severus rolled his eyes, blocking out Albus' lecture on the importance of them sacrificing
everything for the war to end in their favor, all for the greater good. It was an irritating lecture
that Severus had received from Albus so many times by now, and what he hated most about
it, was that Albus was right. The greater good was Harry's future. It was Draco's future. It
was the futures of all the students that had passed through his classroom over the past few
years. It was all for them, to give them a fighting chance of survival and a life afterward.

If they didn't do this…well, it was a hopeless situation… How could Severus live with
himself if he didn't fight for the greater good? But fighting for them, it was taking everything
from Severus, everything… Piece by piece, until he was sure that one day there would be
nothing left to sacrifice, he would have nothing left to give.

"Enough!" Severus snapped.

Albus stopped speaking, waiting patiently for Severus to say something else.

"I've heard this lecture from you so many times, I don't need to hear anymore of it! If you're
not going to do the one thing that I ask, to free Remus of this stupid mission, then I'll rather
be at home with him and Harry, enjoying what little time I have left with them rather than
trudging through the snow and listening to you ramble on about the fucking greater good!"

"Should I remind you again and again that we're doing this for Harry and your godson, for
our students. They are the greater good," Albus called out. "Don't forget that."

Severus had turned around and stormed off, but Albus' words rang clearly and true across the
clearing, causing Severus to turn back around and shout, "Stop manipulating me, you old
fool!" He stomped back to Albus, seething in his anger. "And has it ever occurred to you that
these sacrifices are breaking us! Is it all really worth it? One day I won't have anything else
left to give for this bloody war to end! And what if none of this works out as you planned,
and we've all sacrificed for nothing? What if this great plan of yours doesn't work, Albus?
What are we going to do after you're dead?!"

"Severus!" Albus said, his voice full of warning.

Severus really didn't mean half of what he was saying. He trusted Albus to get them through
the war, he trusted Albus' plan to work. The old coot was fucking brilliant in everything he
did, but Severus couldn't help but voice his tiniest doubts that scared him from time to time.
And it was simply because he was furious at Albus Dumbledore and he wanted to be difficult
for it. Because yes the headmaster's plan was going to work, but there would be no saving
Severus' family from it and Albus was okay with that, and that killed Severus every day.

"I know, you barmy old coot! How many times have we had this pointless conversation
already? I've given my word to you, there's no need to threaten me!" Severus shouted, his
voice shaking. "You're just asking so much more than I'm willing to give, and you know that!
You know, I've told you this! And once ago, I was willing to give it all and much more to you
because I do know your plan will work. You are as brilliant as you are unhinged. I have that
much faith in you, but sometimes…sometimes it's hard to hold on to that faith. And now that
I have Remus and Harry… I'm feeling trapped by your cause. I want to tell you to let me go,
that I cannot do it. That I would rather die, but what good would that do? That would only
have them suffer even more… Remus and Harry… They are everything to me, Albus,
everything!" Severus' shout echoed in the empty clearing around them. And there was not a
stir. They were alone. "They are the everything I have to sacrifice for you and your fucking
war! I won't ever let you forget that!"

"And I deeply apologize to you, Severus… To hear you say all of this and not be able to do
anything to make it alright…"

"Are you really apologetic of the circumstances or are you just sorry I feel this way?"

"Severus…"

Severus turned away, not wanting to hear anymore of what Albus had to say, not wanting to
argue anymore or be in his presence. Nothing he might say could even change anything
anymore, so he walked back up the path that would lead him to the gates as fast as he could
without having to run. Severus was going so fast, Hagrid was suddenly in front of him.
Severus quickly stepped around him without a word, without looking back to see if Albus
was still there watching his departure. Severus had only limited precious time before he
would become Albus' murderer, before he would lose everything that was dear to him, and he
didn't want to waste not one precious second in the old fool's company. Severus wanted to
save every single minute, every single second, every moment he had left for only Remus and
Harry.

When Severus arrived home, the cabin was quiet. All of the lights were off except for the
fireplace in the living room, and was that the glow of colorful Christmas lights? Severus had
thought they'd put all that stuff away. He stepped into the living room and found some sort of
tent-looking thing made with couch cushions and blankets. The glow of the colorful lights
were coming from inside of it.

"What in Merlin happened in here?" Severus asked to no one in particular under his breath.
He stepped quietly to the entrance, pulled off his outer robes and his shoes, then got onto his
hands and knees and crawled inside to find Remus and Harry cuddled up together.

And seeing them there together, safe and waiting for him, Severus' heart warmed and then
broke into a million pieces, knowing this endearing little family of his was going to one day
be lost to him, just a painful memory that would tear his soul apart over and over every time
he remembered them. And Severus hoped for his death to come as quickly as possible once
Albus' plan was completed. He wouldn't be able to bear them looking at him with betrayal
and hatred and pain. His soul wouldn't be able to bear that!

Remus looked up. He had been writing in his notebook, using the glow of the Christmas
lights to see. Severus realized Harry was fast asleep beside him.

"Hi, Severus," Remus whispered with a tired smile. "I heard you coming in, but I was afraid
if I called out to you, Harry would wake up."

"It's okay," Severus whispered, making sure his voice didn't shake. Pushing away the
emotions going on inside him so that Remus wouldn't see them. He crawled over to Remus,
finding a spot on his other side and laid down in the blankets and pillows. He pulled Remus
to him, needing to hold him, to feel him in his arms. "I didn't mean to be so late. Were you
worried?"

"A bit, I figured you just got caught up with work, especially that tomorrow is back to
Hogwarts… Harry was getting anxious, so I had the bright idea to build this fort with him to
distract him."

"Is that what this is?"

Remus leaned over and gently pulled Severus into a kiss. Severus returned it with a heartfelt
longing, and when they ended the kiss, Remus settled himself back into Severus' arms.

"It's quaint here," Severus said.

"We've been in here for hours," Remus said.

Severus chuckled at that. "I'm glad you were here with him."

"I am too… Are you hungry? I can heat up some leftovers."

"No, let's just enjoy this." Severus pulled Remus closer to him, both of them facing Harry,
watching their kid sleep.

"Harry opened up to me, Severus. He called me dad… He's been trying to call me dad for
weeks. He finally did it."

Remus whispered everything that Severus had missed while he was gone, and content to just
hear Remus' endearing ramble, Severus didn't interrupt.

"Now he has to decide whether to call me pops or papa. He said calling us both dad might get
too confusing…"
"I can imagine," Severus muttered. "Papa... You sort of look like one…has a nice ring to
it…"

Remus laughed and Severus could feel it vibrating in his chest. He locked the feeling of it
away in his memory. To use it when he didn't have the privilege to be so near Remus again,
so near that he could feel his laughter.

"He fell asleep while we were working on this." Remus reached for his notebook and gave it
to Severus.

Severus took a moment to read the messy penmanship, then realizing Remus had finally
taken off the scarf, Severus nuzzled his face into Remus' neck, placing a series of gentle
kisses against his warm skin. "Sing it to me, wolf. I want to hear your voice," Severus
whispered between kisses.

"It's not finished," Remus said, arching his neck a bit to give Severus better access.

"You can still sing it."

He felt Remus sigh against him, "I love you," he whispered.

"I love you too, my darling."

Severus regretfully pulled his lips away from Remus' enticing skin to give him space to sing,
and Remus' soft voice filled the fort…

"Another year you made a promise

Another chance to turn it all around

And do not save this for tomorrow

Embrace the past and you can live for now

And I will give the world to you…

Speak louder than the words before you

And give them meaning no one else has found

The role we play is so important

We are the voices of the underground

And I would give the world to you

Say everything you've always wanted

Be not afraid of who you really are

Cause in the end we have each other

And that's at least one thing worth living for

And I would give the world to you…"

"Harry helped me with the last part," Remus said once he finished.

"It's beautiful. It's for our kid, isn't it?" Severus whispered, still holding Remus close to him
with Remus' back pressed up against his chest. Severus' eyes were closed, pressing gentle
kisses onto Remus' shoulder, mentally going over the lyrics in his head, and he hoped…
Severus hoped that in the end they would still have each other by some fucking miracle…
Everything would go back to the way it was… But it was all so foolish of him to hope for
it… And all Severus could do was pray…

I'm doing Albus' task for them. I would give the world to them… I would give them
everything… Sacrifice everything… And if by the end of this war I somehow don't die, and I
could somehow still have them… That's all I ask for in return… When it's all over, I want to
be here in this fort with my darling wolf in my arms and Harry soundly asleep… I want the
glow of these Christmas lights reflecting in Remus' hazel eyes. I want to be listening to him
sing. I want to feel his laughter. I want to hear Harry snoring… I want my godson to be
here… I want it all back….

Remus nodded. "Severus…"

"Yes," he whispered, laying his head on Remus' shoulder, feeling the heaviness of sleep fall
upon him.

Remus threaded his fingers with Severus', lifting up a hand, kissing each knuckle, then
turning it over and leaving a kiss in the center of his palm. Severus stored the feel of that kiss
in his memory as well.

"I don't think I'm going to take the mission."

"What made you decide that?" The relief to hear those words….

"This moment, right here, with you, with our kid…" Remus whispered, his eyes on Harry
who was gently snoring. "If I take the mission… It's going to hurt Harry, and if I die on it, I'll
break my promise to him. I can't leave him alone like that again. And I'll not only leave him,
I'll be leaving you… I also can't even get through those blasted books without being sick, I'm
done with reading them. I don't want to have anything to do with that pack."
"Good…" Severus mumbled. "You belong here with us."

And Remus turned to face Severus, giving him the softest and sweetest of kisses and Severus
fell asleep with the taste of him on his tongue.
 That January Ninth
Chapter Summary

Author Warning: Heavy smut scene at the end.

Disclaimer: You've Got To Hide Your Love Away By The Beatles

Chapter Twenty-Five - That January Ninth

When Harry woke up, he didn't recognize where he was at first. It made his anxiety rise up a
bit, instantly thinking of his cupboard in Privet Drive, but then he caught the twinkling
Christmas lights illuminating the sheets above him and he remembered the fort he and Remus
had built together. He must've fallen asleep in it and Harry realized he was feeling far too
comfortable after sleeping on a floor all night long. Remus must've put a Cushioning Charm
underneath him, making the floor soft and easy to sleep on.

And as Harry began to become more fully awake, he suddenly remembered why they had
built the fort in the first place, because Harry had been worried about Severus coming home
later than he said he would be. Harry had never found out if he did return home because he
had fallen asleep. Alarmed, Harry turned over to wake Remus up and was relieved to find his
second dad not sleeping alone. Severus was on Remus' other side, his arm loosely wrapped
around Remus' middle. His head was on the pillow behind Remus' whose back was pressed
up against Severus, looking as if he were in the middle of a peaceful dream.

It was endearing to see them together like that, still Harry couldn't help but roll his eyes at the
sight of his dads being all lovey-dovey with each other.

Suddenly, Harry felt something poking him in the chest. He reached under his shirt and
pulled out the offending object. It was the wooden wolf pendant he'd been wearing for the
past few days. Remus had given it to Severus for Christmas, who had then given it to Harry
for safekeeping. His dad hadn't asked for it back, and Harry hadn't minded holding on to it
because at one point in this small pendent's existence, his mother had held it, worn it, his
grandfather had worked so hard on it, carving out the small intricate details. In some way,
wearing the wolf pendant made Harry feel connected to them. It was a part of Harry and it
was a part of Remus, and he could see why Remus had given it to Severus, so he could be a
part of them as well. It was time to give it back to his dad.

Ruffling blankets and sheets interrupted the silence, followed by Severus' sleep-filled
murmur, "What do you have there, son?"

Harry tore his eyes away from the pendent and towards his dad. Severus hadn't really moved
much, just pulled up his upper body so that his head was off his pillow and looking at Harry
over a sleeping Remus, his arm was still wrapped around him, this time a bit more firmer,
holding him close. His dark eyes were blurry with sleep.

Harry handed him the wolf pendant. "I think it's time you have this back," he said quietly to
not disturb Remus' sleep.

Severus' eyes soften at the sight of it, reaching over to take it from Harry. "Ah, I was
wondering when I'll see it again."

Harry turned over on his back and stretched, feeling his muscles and bones pop, shaking
away the sleep. "I just wanted to hold on to it a bit. It used to belong to my mom."

"I understand, Harry. I know Remus wanted me to have it, but would you like to still hold on
to it?"

"No, it belongs to you," Harry said, sitting up and running a hand through his messy bed-
head. He watched Severus slowly get up as well, untangling himself from Remus, then
clasped the pendant around his neck, smoothing out his messy hair.

"You two looked very cozy," Harry couldn't help but tease with a smirk.

"Shut it, you," Severus murmured with a yawn. "What time is it?"

Harry crawled out of the fort to check the clock on the mantel.

"It's almost eight!" Harry called out. "Weren't we supposed to leave at seven?"

"Fuck!" Severus' answer rang out from the fort. "Remus, wake up, we're late. Staff meetings
start in an hour."

Harry heard Remus groan out with protest. "Let's just miss the first one…"

"No, you silly wolf! Harry, have you packed?!"

"Um…"

"Harry James Potter!" Severus scolded as he crawled out of the fort towards Harry, Remus
following behind him. He stood up to where Harry was standing by the mantle. "You mean to
tell me that you haven't packed yet?!"

The Harry tried not to smile. The sight of Severus in his rumpled clothes from yesterday
paired with bed-head and freaking out over being late… He was channeling Mrs. Weasley.
"It's an organized pile on my bed. All I gotta do is just chuck everything back in my
knapsack."

Severus slapped a hand to his face and sighed. Remus sent Harry a helpless look from behind
Severus.

"Is your homework done at least?"

"Yeah… It's just still on my desk…" Harry said, sheepishly. Maybe this wasn't a good time to
remind Severus that he had planned to go over Harry's Potions essay. Harry shook the
thought away, it wouldn't help now… Severus would just have to realize that he forgot to do
it once he was halfway through grading it.

Severus scowled at Harry. "Go pack!"

"Yes, sir!" Harry shouted and stepped away, sprinting towards his bedroom before Severus
could continue scolding him.

"And stop being smart with me!" Severus shouted. "I can see you trying not to smile, this
isn't funny!"

"Okay…" Remus said. "I think it's time you need your coffee… Don't worry, Severus, we'll
just make a quick breakfast. I'll charm the dishes to wash themselves and we'll get there on
time…almost… Better late than never, right?" was the last thing Harry heard before shutting
his door and immediately started throwing everything into his knapsack with a quiet laugh.
Severus was definitely channeling Mrs. Weasley… Harry was sure he was going to see more
of that at the Burrow later today.

Moments later, Harry came out of his room dragging his heavy knapsack behind him with
one hand and holding Hedwig in the other. The snowy owl was glaring daggers at him for
being interrupted from sleep and being stuffed into her travel cage. He was greeted with the
sight of Remus dressed in his brown threadbare robes and his Gryffindor scarf for the day
and clearing up the living room with his wand, summoning all of the blankets and pillows
back to their respectful places.

"Good morning, Remus," Harry grinned, still dragging his heavy bag to the front door.

Remus was now moving the coffee table back to its original place. "Morning, cub," he said.
"You really got Severus in a mood, didn't you?"

"Yeah, I meant to finish packing before bed, but I fell asleep."

Remus gave him a pointed look, then to the kitchen. "Go in there with caution is all I can say,
I brewed some coffee, so he should be a bit friendlier now."

Harry laughed, "Thanks for the warning."

"Here, cub…" Remus casted a Hover Charm on his knapsack and moved it towards the door.
They were going to use a portkey to the Burrow, then Remus and Severus were going to
Apparate to Hogwarts right after.

"Thanks, papa," Harry said with relief, not noticing Remus' shocked smile. He placed
Hedwig's cage on the floor beside it. The owl grumbled as she tucked her head under her
wing. "It'll just be a little while, Hedwig. You're going with Remus, that way you won't have
to be stuck in there all day."
Despite being late, they still managed a hurried breakfast. Harry insisted they could all just
eat at the Burrow to save some time, but Severus refused, stating that this was the last time
they'll eat together in the cabin for quite a while. Plus, they had a very busy week ahead of
them that was sure to keep them apart.

"Severus, isn't it your birthday this upcoming Thursday?" Remus said, as he began to clear up
the dishes from the table.

Severus just continued eating, then gave Remus his empty plate.

Harry's smile was big. Severus caught sight of it and gave Harry his best glare.

"Dad," Harry laughed. "Your birthday? Have you ever had a birthday party?"

"No, and hurry up and eat. You're the reason why we're late!"

Harry quickly finished his eggs. "Dad, never? I've managed to have at least one. What about
you, Remus?"

"The Marauders threw me one every year. One time it was a surprise party at midnight on the
Astronomy tower. Oh, did we receive quite a detention sentence for that," Remus chuckled,
spelling all the dishes to clean themselves.

"Don't give him any ideas, Remus! He already gets into enough trouble," Severus said,
getting up and taking Harry's empty dishes then handing them to Remus, giving him a quick
kiss on the cheek. "I want everyone by the door in five minutes tops!"

"Yes, sir!" Harry returned, earning a withering glare from his dad.

Remus rolled his eyes with exasperation then met Harry's eyes. And the look they exchanged,
they both knew they had the same idea. Remus' hazel eyes danced with mischief. They were
throwing Severus a surprise party.

They landed just in front of the stoop of the Burrow. Harry immediately lost his balance,
feeling his feet slip from underneath him and before he knew it, he was flat on his back into
the ashy snow sludge that surrounded the Burrow.

"Argh! Holy fuck!" Harry shouted from the painful fall and the cold shock of the snow.

Hedwig started screeching from the commotion. Remus was the one holding onto her cage.
Harry's knapsack was shrunk and tucked safely away in Severus' pocket. They were dropping
it all off at Hogwarts for him. The only things Harry had with him was his invisibility cloak
folded up in his jacket pocket, alongside his practice snitch and his wand. He was also
holding his broomstick, but he'd dropped it during his fall.
"Hey, language, kid!" Severus snapped without turning around, climbing up the stoop to the
door.

"I learned it all from you!" Harry retorted from the ground. "It's okay, Hedwig. I'm alright!"
The snowy owl's screeching echoing through the quiet air.

"Don't worry, Harry, one day you'll be able to keep your balance," Remus said kindly,
offering a hand. Harry thankfully took it and pulled himself up. “Are you alright?”

Back on his feet, Harry nodded and put his fingers through the bars of Hedwig's cage,
soothing her until her screeches turned into a soft grumbling. "Not one of our best mornings,
huh?" Harry said to his owl.

Severus knocked on the door, then turned around to face them. "Are you okay? Any scrapes
or broken bones?" he said to Harry with a bit more concern in his voice this time.

Remus was dusting the ice out of Harry's hair with concern. Harry quickly scanned himself
over. "No, I think I'm fine."

"I'm sure that owl just woke everyone up now." Severus took in the state of Harry's dripping
wet clothes. "Here, let me cast a Drying Charm on…" The door opened before he could
finish with what he was saying. Severus stepped to the side and to Harry's utter
embarrassment, Ginny came out of the Burrow.

"Harry? I thought I heard you and Hedwig," Ginny said with a smile, then it vanished when
her brown eyes traveled to Remus who had been dusting the cold ice off of Harry's back.

Harry felt himself blush from head to toe. He stepped away from Remus. His stomach was in
knots and he couldn't think of anything coherent to say, trying not to think about the sludge
that was all over him. Harry could feel Severus' and Remus' eyes going back and forth
between him and Ginny. Hedwig's soft hooting was the only sound for one very awkward
pause.

"Are you alright? It's very slippery there."

Harry could hear in Ginny's voice the awkwardness she was feeling of the situation. Harry
was sure Dean had never been found by Ginny covered in ashy snow sludge with his two
dads and an owl. How humiliating, perfect Dean was all Harry could think about, and how
pathetic he must look to Ginny right now.

Freak! Aunt Petunia's voice echoed in his head.

"I'm fine, I fell on purpose," Harry blurted out, trying to save the situation, but just made it
worse. He caught Remus wincing as he picked up Harry's firebolt.

"Ginny? Is that Harry? I thought I heard his owl." Mrs. Weasley suddenly appeared at the
door behind Ginny. And Harry couldn't be more grateful for the Weasley matron's presence in
his entire life.
"Good gracious, Harry! Did you fall?" Mrs. Weasley said, taking in the scene and Harry's
dirty dripping clothes. "Oh, dear, I hope you're alright. It's quite slippery…"

Harry sighed with defeat and humiliation. The feeling of being saved from this situation
quickly evaporated. Why was everyone focusing on his embarrassing fall into the sludge?
Look at the freak covered in snow and ash and mud! Ginny would never go out with you now!

"I know!" Harry snapped, interrupting Mrs. Weasley, not meaning to sound rude at all, but it
did, making the situation even more humiliating, especially when Mrs. Weasley's eyes began
to water a bit.

"Mum, don't," Ginny consoled her, placing a comforting hand on her mom's shoulder.

"Harry," Severus scolded. "That was disrespectful!"

"Ginny, Molly, would you be so kind as to excuse us for a moment, we'll be right in," Remus
said, taking control of the situation.

Harry just kept his eyes down on the floor, the ice on his back was seeping in through his
clothes, making him shiver.

"Of course, Remus. I'll make some coffee for you as well."

"That would be lovely, Molly," Remus said.

Severus didn't join in on their brief exchange of words. His eyes were on Harry.

Once Mrs. Weasley left, Ginny said, "Don't worry, Harry. It wasn't just you. She's been like
that ever since Percy showed his ugly face on Christmas."

Harry only nodded, his eyes still casted down at his feet. He heard the door snap with a quiet
shut.

I'm a freak. I'm a freak… Harry couldn't help but think, trying not to picture himself shivering
and wet and dirty and unable to look at Ginny, and making her mom cry… She might as well
just get back with Dean Thomas and marry him!

Suddenly, Harry's clothes felt instantly warm and dry again. Severus knelt down to his knees
at Harry's eye level, getting his pants and robes full of the snowy sludge. Harry flinched from
the sound and the close proximity of another person.

"Now you're not the only one covered in muck today," Severus said gently.

Harry could see in his peripheral vision that Severus was trying to catch his eye, but Harry
avoided it. He was a freak… A freak! You're a freak, Harry! Aunt Petunia's voice was loud in
his head. He clenched his fists, his nails digging into his palms. His body was shaking, and
this time not from the cold.

"I'm going to touch your hand," Severus said, he gently grabbed Harry's left hand. Harry
could feel him prying his fingers open, massaging his palms, loosening his muscles. Severus
then did the same thing to his right hand, gently telling him what he was doing, reminding
Harry of him not wanting to cut anymore.

My list… I want to be happy… No more cutting….

Then when Harry's hand was finally unclenched, Severus pressed it to his chest, that way
Harry could feel Severus' beating heart.

And at the feel of his dad's beating heart, Harry finally pulled himself together enough to
finally meet Severus' eyes.

"You're not a freak," Severus said earnestly.

Harry shook his head, bowing down his head again.

"Hey…" Severus said, lifting Harry's chin up with a hand. "Come on now, keep looking at
me. You're not a freak and I think you're much better than Dean Thomas, especially at
Quidditch."

When Harry finally met Severus' eyes, his dad pulled him into a hug.

"I can't go in there now, just take me with you to Hogwarts," Harry muttered against Severus'
shoulder with despair. "That was so bloody humiliating!"

"No…no… Gryffindors don't run from embarrassing situations like that," Severus said back
to him.

"Maybe, you can pull the sympathy card?" Remus suggested as Severus released Harry from
his hold and stood back up. He had been silently watching Severus pull Harry out of his
episode.

Harry looked at Remus with doubt. "Do you think she'll go for that?"

Severus shook the ice off his robes and casted a drying charm on himself.

Remus only shrugged. "It's worth a shot."

"I don't know," Harry sighed. "Ginny isn't like other girls. It wasn't that bad, right? Was it just
my back that was dirty? And she didn't see me get all triggered, right? I tried to hold it
together."

"Um…" Remus looked helplessly at Severus who only shook his head with a frown.

Harry covered his face with his hands, "Ugh!" he groaned out, his face blushing with
humiliation all over again.

"I'm sorry, cub," Remus said sincerely.

"When we go inside, you must apologize to Mrs. Weasley. You were a bit rude to her, you
understand that, right?" Severus said to Harry.
"I know, I will," Harry groaned.

"Are you ready?" Severus asked.

"Yeah," Harry sighed with defeat.

Once they stepped inside the Burrow, they found Ginny and Mrs. Weasley in the kitchen, the
aroma of coffee was heavy and comforting in the air. To Harry's relief, they were the only
ones there, Mr. Weasley must be at work by now and Ron could sleep through just about
anything.

Harry immediately went to Mrs. Weasley with so much guilt for making her cry and
apologized to her, giving her a big hug. It surprised her so much, she bursted into tears.
Usually it was Mrs. Weasley who always gave hugs to Harry who would either always
stiffened from the touch or shyly accepted them. But now, Harry was trapped in her embrace.
Ginny was watching from the table with an embarrassed expression. Harry shot her and his
dads a look for help and rescue.

"Okay, Molly," Remus said softly, leaning Harry's firebolt by the coat rack at the door and
handing Severus Hedwig's cage so he could pry Mrs. Weasley off of Harry. "Are you alright,
what's going on now?"

"Remus, we have to go!" Severus said impatiently.

"It'll just be a moment," Remus said.

Severus and Remus took Mrs. Weasley to the living room, leaving Harry and Ginny alone.

"Oh, god, Harry, I'm so sorry! That was so embarrassing!" Ginny said as Harry took a seat
across from her at the table.

He frowned down at the crescent-shaped marks on his palms, then closed his hands so Ginny
wouldn't see them.

Freak was still ringing in his head and Harry tried his best to remember his list of being
happy, of not cutting anymore, stop believing he was a freak, to give Ginny a chance… To
ignore the voice in his head….

Harry wasn't a freak. And he was going to prove Aunt Petunia wrong by refusing to believe it
and by enjoying Ginny's company without that getting in the way.

"It's okay, Gin, I'm sorry for making your mom cry."

"No, don't be. It really had nothing to do with you. She's been a wreck ever since Percy…"

Harry frowned at the sadness in her voice and in her chocolate brown eyes, the morning
sunlight was trickling in from the window, setting her red hair aglow. Harry realized he was
staring at Ginny and he tore his gaze away.
"He'll come to his senses," Harry said, hoping he sounded comforting enough. "He's a bloody
idiot for turning a family like yours away. I would've given anything for a family like this
when I was small."

Ginny smiled, "Well, it's not as all cracked up as it seems to be."

Harry laughed and Ginny laughed with him.

"And hey, don't feel bad about falling out there. If it makes you feel better, Ron fell at that
exact same spot yesterday, on his arse!" Ginny giggled, sending Harry into hysterics, the
humiliation from the morning finally washing away at Ron's expense.

Severus and Remus finally returned with a much calmer Mrs. Weasley who was saying, "We
are using the Floo network in the afternoon. It's going to send the kids to Minerva's office."

Remus spied Harry and Ginny laughing together at the table and smiled. Severus was just
behind him and Molly, still holding on to Hedwig's cage.

"Excellent, that way we won't have to worry about any mishaps on the train, like the last
time!" Severus said, giving Harry a pointed look.

Harry rolled his eyes. "Aren't you guys running late?"

"You're right," Severus scowled. "Remus, let's get going."

They both gave Harry a quick hug. Severus made Harry promise that he'll be at the Great
Hall in time for dinner this time, and then they were gone.

"Have you had breakfast, Harry?" Mrs. Weasley asked, pulling things out to start cooking as
if nothing ever happened.

"Um y…"

"Say no," Ginny whispered.

Harry gave her a questioning look. "No, I haven't?"

"Oh, dear, just let me whip you up some eggs!"

After breakfast, Harry and Ginny spent the rest of the early morning flying around the
orchard, racing each other and making up games to catch Harry's practice snitch until they
both grew tired and cold from the winter air. Ginny had teased Harry, saying he was just tired
of her beating him, and Harry protested against her teasing, saying he was just slow after
Mrs. Weasley had stuffed him with a mountainful of eggs. But despite all the teasing, Harry
couldn't help but admire how brilliant a flier Ginny really was, and with her on his Quidditch
team, Harry was very confident of Gryffindor's chances of winning the cup this year.

They ended up in the living room with mugs of hot butterbeer and a plate full of homemade
biscuits between them provided by Mrs. Weasley who had gone upstairs to wake up Ron.
They could hear her scolding him to start getting up and start packing several floors down.
"Poor, Ron, he shouldn't have waited till the last minute. He's missing out on these biscuits!"
Harry grinned, not admitting to Ginny that he'd also got yelled at this morning by his dad for
not being ready.

"Mum always goes berserk about food whenever you're around," Ginny said, munching on a
biscuit. "But I can't complain. I don't mind you being her favorite kid, it stops her from
coddling me."

Harry thought about her words and the deeper meaning behind it. Ginny, as the only girl in
the family and the youngest, was always coddled and treated like the baby in the family. He
was glad that in some way, his presence took that unwanted attention away from her.

"You're the only one, Harry, who I don't have to fight to be seen as not a little kid."

Harry smiled at that, then he frowned, "Ginny, I have to thank you for having my back that
night Bellatrix attacked. I'm sorry for putting you into danger like that… I didn't mean to…"

Ginny interrupted Harry before he could stammer out everything he was trying to say, her
brown eyes were unwavering, making Harry nervous and shy. "It's okay, Harry. It was my
choice. You didn't make me do it."

Harry shrugged, looking away for a moment, then back at her. "Did your mom get mad at
you? You must've gotten into loads of trouble. I never thought Remus had it in him to scold
me the way he did."

"Oh, yeah, believe me she had kittens about it, but it was all worth it to make sure you were
safe."

The cackling fireplace was suddenly the only sound from the room. Mrs. Weasley had
stopped shouting at Ron.

"Ginny, why did you do it?" Harry finally found the courage to ask.

Ginny considered his question for a moment, her eyes moved away from him and down to
the mug she was holding in her hands. "I don't know," she shrugged, thoughtfully. "I just
didn't really think. One moment, I was watching you run out of the house through the
window, and the next thing I know, I'm running after you through the field."

"An adrenaline rush, then?" Harry asked, nothing else? he almost added.

"No, it was more than that," Ginny sighed and she put down her mug on the coffee table, then
turned towards Harry, gently taking his hand and turning it over to reveal the crescent-shaped
marks from his nails digging into his skin earlier. "I just couldn't stand the idea of you being
hurt again."

Harry moved his gaze from their joined hands to meet her brown eyes. His heart was beating
so fast in his chest, his stomach was churning and he was sure if he stood up, he would just
fall over. He'd lost all feeling in his legs. Ginny was so close… Is this really happening?
Ginny broke up with Dean!
"Ginny…" Harry could only say.

"You know you can talk to me, right? I've told you this before, and it still stands, even if we
hadn't really hung out much during the past few months… I didn't mean for that to happen,
I've just been spending a lot of time with Dean."

"Oh, yeah…" Harry stuttered out. "I know… It's fine, Ginny, really… Didn't you two break
up?"

Ginny was taken aback by Harry's question, her eyes flickering with annoyance. "Ron told
you? That prat!"

Harry laughed, her reaction chased away his nerves. "Yeah, but please remember that I need
Ron back as my best friend once you're done hexing him!"

"No promises," Ginny laughed in return, her brief annoyance at her brother fading away.
Then she stopped laughing and her face blushed red. "Well, actually… Dean and I just got
back together. I just sent him a letter this morning."

And Harry's heart dropped and he had no idea what he was even saying to Ginny anymore.
"Really? Oh, um, I'm happy for you two." Harry really hoped that he didn't sound as pathetic
to her as he was feeling inside.

This time Harry was the victim of Ginny's Molly Weasley glare. "Are you really?"

Harry could only nod once.

Ginny tossed a biscuit at him, catching him in the face.

"Argh! Ginny!"

"You're such a liar!" she laughed, she threw another biscuit at him. "Tell me the truth, Harry
Potter!"

"Okay… Okay… Dean is a bloody toerag!" More biscuits were thrown, and Harry shouted
out before he could even stop himself, "He has to be, Ginny! Argh! Stop!" he laughed. "He
has to be to break up with you, Ginny! I know that if it were me, I would never let you go!"
The biscuits stopped after that. Harry kept his gaze down at his lap, realizing what he'd
accidentally let slip. He could feel himself blushing from head to toe. And the quiet was so
loud, the tension so high, and through it all, even through the biscuit throwing, Harry realized
Ginny had still been holding his hand.

Ginny must've realized the same thing at the same moment, because her eyes landed on their
intertwined hands and she quickly pulled her hand away, her cheeks blushing as much as
Harry knew he was blushing himself.

Harry cleared his throat, then finished the last of his butterbeer, trying to figure out how to
break the awkward tension he'd caused between them.

"So, um, living with Snape and Remus, what is that like?" Ginny suddenly asked.
Harry knew she changed the subject because it was heading towards something dangerous
between them, and he wondered why she was so afraid of it. Why was she so afraid to let
Harry get close to her? Why did she prefer Dean Thomas over him? There was definitely a
spark between them. Harry never held Hermione's or Ron's hand, never caught their eye in
the middle of a crowded room, like Ginny and Harry seemed to accidentally do every time.
Ginny liked him just as much as Harry liked her, Harry was sure of that now, but perhaps… It
wasn't just Ginny that was holding them back from being together, Harry realized he hadn't
actually been present around her either as he'd dealt with his mental health. It was him too,
Harry couldn't let her in, and Ginny knew that. Maybe she was waiting for him.

Harry thought about showing her his scars, thought about telling Ginny everything that very
moment, if that would break the glass between them. But he couldn't…not yet. He couldn't
stand the possibility of her seeing him as a freak, even though Harry knew deep down that
she never would.

Harry swallowed, his Adam's Apple bobbing up and down. As much as Harry really liked
Ginny, he just wasn't ready to open up in that way just yet. And so, Harry just told everything
to Ginny about how it was like being in the cabin with Remus and Severus as co-parents, but
he tweaked it a bit, leaving out all of his struggles with his mental health, and he made it
sound as if Remus and Severus were just friends and not in a relationship. Only because he
wasn't sure if his dads were out about that yet.

Sometime during their conversation, the tension finally broke and they were finally
comfortable with each other again, as if Harry had never let those words slip. Then Ron
finally came down, interrupting them immediately by tackling Harry with a hug.

The rest of the morning passed too quickly and before Harry knew it, it was time to floo back
to Hogwarts, and just as Harry had anticipated, things at the Burrow grew very chaotic. Ron
and Ginny still had last minute packing to do, and Mrs. Weasley kept bursting into tears at the
thought of her youngest children leaving her. Ginny and Ron had tried consoling her as much
as they could, with Ron's jokes just making it worse until Ginny slugged him in the shoulder.
Harry couldn't help but appreciate the extra big hug Mrs. Weasley gave him, telling him to
take care of himself. Harry returned the hug, saying to her that he liked a quiet life, and that
having Severus and Remus in the castle watching him, there was no way Harry could get into
any more trouble. That seemed to calm Mrs. Weasley a bit to Harry's, Ginny's and Ron's
relief.

But to Harry's disappointment, as soon as they had arrived to Hogwarts, Ginny had
immediately taken off, stating that she was going to find Dean, and it squashed Harry's happy
mood so far down, and the only thing that was able to pull him out of his funk was a letter
given to him by Hermione, stating Dumbledore's next meeting tonight after dinner.

The first day of lessons were finally over and it seemed like every professor had conspired
against their sixth year students over the Christmas break by deciding to make their lessons
even harder for them than it was before the break.
Today, Harry had three classes, History of Magic, Defense Against the Dark Arts and
Potions, and he already had a mountain of homework from them. Harry wasn't even
exaggerating on the size either. It literally piled almost to top of his head when he'd stacked
all of his homework on a table of the library besides Hermione's own, which was scarily
larger than his by a huge margin. Harry really had no idea how she was not panicking over it.
Just looking at it would cause anyone a panic attack. And this was just after the first day!
Tomorrow, Harry had Charms, Transfiguration and Potions again! And he was quite positive
that he was going to have another new stack of homework by tomorrow evening.

The homework wasn't the only thing that made Harry's first day go so rough. The meeting he
had the night before with Dumbledore left him a lot to think about and it also left him with
quite an impossible task. Dumbledore had shown Harry a false memory given to him by
Professor Slughorn. And Harry's task was to retrieve the real memory from Slughorn in time
for the next meeting. Harry had told Hermione over and over again what he had seen and of
the word Horcrux. The mysterious word stayed on Harry's mind all day. Harry and Hermione
had even skipped lunch to look though the library for anything on Horcruxes but their efforts
were fruitless. Harry had no idea how he was going to get that memory from Slughorn. It was
clear he didn't want to give it away in the first place. Harry wished he could just ask his dads
for help. He had a very strong feeling that they might be able to solve the mystery of what a
Horcrux was, and Harry had an even stronger feeling that Remus could form a successful
mission on retrieving Slughorn's memory with his hands tied behind his back and his eyes
blindfolded, but Harry was forbidden to talk to Severus and Remus about his secret lessons
from Dumbledore. Severus knew about the lessons, but he didn't know what they were about.

And speaking of Severus, the sixth years had quite a shock when they found Professor
Slughorn opening the doors to their dungeon classroom instead of Professor Snape. Harry
was especially shocked and also a bit worried. Why didn't Severus make it to his first lessons
of the new spring term? Especially when he'd spent most of the winter holidays carefully
preparing his lesson plans. Harry was able to get Hermione to ask Slughorn about Severus'
absence, since she was always known to be asking those sorts of things, so that it wouldn't be
questionable to the sixth year Slytherins. Harry couldn't do it himself, he was supposed to act
happy and relieved at Severus' disappearance, not worried.

Slughorn had not really given an explanation, and Hermione had told Harry after class that
this was probably Dumbledore's doing to give Harry a chance to ask Slughorn about the
memory. Which he tried and miserably failed at, resorting to getting kicked out of the
classroom. And Harry was sure he was going to see his dad later during dinner at the Great
Hall looking as murderous as ever for being forced to give up his sixth year lessons on the
first day.

And Draco…

They had bumped into each other as they rounded a corner in the corridor just at the start of
lunch. Harry was alone. Ron was with Lavender, and Hermione was waiting for Harry in the
library. Harry had called out to him, but Draco ignored him. The corridor was empty.
Everyone was in the Great Hall.

"Watch it!" Draco snarled, pushing Harry to the floor, then started walking away.
"Draco? Draco!" Harry had called out, not bothering to get up from the floor just yet.

"Get lost, Potter!" Draco scowled.

"Do you always kiss your friends, then just treat them like shit after?"

"Fuck you," Draco just snarled again and left, not saying another word after that.

And trying so hard to not feel hurt and rejected, trying so hard to believe Draco's promise that
this was all just an act, that once the war ended, they'll be friends again, Harry was failing at
it. He was losing his best friend. He didn't recognize the stranger walking away from him,
and Harry began to doubt his feelings of sparks that needed to be lit and the curiosity he'd felt
in their kiss. It was just Draco being caught in a vulnerable state, and it left Harry with the
ugly feeling of being used.

Besides that incident, Draco completely ignored Harry. As if that kiss in the dark and empty
dungeon never happened. During the classes they shared together, Draco kept to himself in
the back of the class with the hood of his school robes up, barely paying attention and even
falling asleep in class, and ready with a sharp tongue to whoever, even from his own house,
spoke to him. The only ones he stayed close to were of course Crabbe and Goyle. Professor
Binns didn't seem to notice Draco's behavior. Slughorn chose to ignore it and Remus wouldn't
have it and sent him to Severus. Draco had scowled in defiance and stormed out without even
an insult. Harry doubted that Draco even made it to Severus' office.

Also, Hermione's and Ron's friendship was just gone… Harry found himself having to split
his time between them, and thinking of having to do that until they stopped fighting… It
brought his spirits down, but that was nothing compared to seeing Dean and Ginny walking
in the corridors together hand in hand. Ginny always gave Harry a friendly smile every time
they'd passed, but it still hurt to see Ginny and Dean together. The morning he and Ginny
spent together before they returned to Hogwarts was still fresh in his memory. And Dean and
Ginny were the reason why Harry had decided to hide out in the library with Hermione
before dinner. He couldn't bear to see them snogging in the corner of the common room, and
then dealing with Ron's temper over it.

The only good things about the first day of school was of course Remus' class and the sign
about Apparition lessons for the sixth years starting on the first Saturday of February that was
posted on their bulletin board in the Gryffindor common room that morning. Harry and Ron
had excitedly signed up for it. It would be so much better to Apparate then to use a bloody
portkey. Harry was tired of being humiliated everytime he fell over from using one. The last
one still burned a hole in his memory.

Hermione and Harry had long ago given up their second search on Horcruxes for the late
afternoon, only because of their homework piles. Harry was working on his Defense essay
while Hermione was working on Ancient Runes. She'd hardly said a word to him in almost
thirty minutes as she poured over some complicated-looking symbols that made Harry's head
hurt everytime he glanced over at her work.

And finally having enough of homework silence, Harry put down his quill and said,
"Hermione, let's take a break. Let's see if we can find anything on the Half-Blood Prince in
any of these books."

Hermione didn't look up from her homework, nor stopped writing as she answered Harry
with annoyance, "There's no need. Before the holidays, I've looked through every single book
in this entire library. And nothing. I couldn't find anything on a Half-Blood Prince," she
scowled at the name. "I really think you should just hand that book over, Harry. We don't
know who this Prince person is… And the spells in that book… I don't like it," she finished
with a frown.

Harry rolled his eyes. "You're just upset that I keep beating you in Potions."

Hermione slammed her quill down and fixed him with a glare. "As if! Without that book
you're useless at Potions! It's a wonder your dad hasn't figured it out yet! I really do have half
a mind to tell him!"

Harry groaned, "Hermione, please don't!"

Hermione huffed a breath out with annoyance, "I won't, Harry, but I want to."

Harry grinned, "I really do appreciate that."

Hermione rolled her eyes and picked up her quill again, continuing on her work. Harry
watched her for a moment, then flipped the pages of his Defense textbook.

"You know…" Harry said quietly. "Ron is okay, if you were wondering that."

"I wasn't," Hermione said in a clipped tone of voice.

"Just letting you know," Harry shrugged. "Because after I told you everything that happened
at the Burrow, all you did was scold me, then you asked how everyone was doing, but you
didn't ask about Ron. So, he's okay, if you were wondering."

Hermione slapped her quill down again, and this time she had a death glare.

"Harry, aren't you supposed to be working out on how you're going to retrieve Slughorn's
memory for Dumbledore?"

"Hermione, I already tried speaking to Slughorn after class and he kicked me out of the
classroom. I even tried impressing him with that bezoar! There's not much I can do now. I
tried…"

"Well, try again! It's important! And I'm not solving this for you, I have enough on my plate
already!"

"I'm not asking for you to help me. Don't worry, I'll figure something out."

Hermione just shook her head, flipping through her textbook. Harry ran his hand through his
hair, moving his fringe away from his face. He glanced at Hermione again who was reading
with careful concentration.
"How long are you going to stay mad at Ron for, anyways?"

"When he stops behaving like a child."

"So, never then?"

Hermione gave Harry another withering glare.

Even though that glare could scare off any of the younger students, Harry just smiled and
said, "I've missed you during the break. It wasn't the same without you there."

Hermione sighed and finally gave him a smile in return, their brief argument finally cooling
down between them. "I'm sorry… I just can't be around Ron right now… And despite all of
the bad stuff that happened, it still sounds like you had a wonderful holiday with your dads.
You deserve that, Harry, you really do."

"Thanks, Hermione, you're going to make me shed a tear," Harry laughed, making Hermione
laugh a bit. And Harry was happy he was able to finally get one out of her. She always
looked so upset and stressed just before the holidays, and she was starting to fall into that
again and Harry couldn't help but wish that Ron could stop acting like such a bloody idiot
and just find the courage to break up with Lavender Brown.

"Well, if you don't want to work on homework anymore, then let's get started on planning the
next D.A. meeting."

Harry groaned, "Blimey, don't you ever just relax?"

Hermione whacked him with a rolled up parchment. "Harry, you're the instructor!"

"Ow! Okay!" Harry laughed.

Suddenly, a loud, "Shhh!" interrupted them, causing both Harry and Hermione to jump in
their seats. Madam Pince was standing over them with a sharp finger to her lips and a glare
that could outshine Hermione's.

"Sorry," they both mumbled. And when the librarian finally stalked away, they both fell into
silent fits of laughter.

They spent the rest of the hour before dinner planning the next meeting, and when Hermione
was finally satisfied that they had enough to go on, Harry was convincing Hermione to leave
the library for dinner, even promising to sit with her instead of Ron, when Remus found
them.

"Harry, I've been looking everywhere for you," Remus said, taking a seat across from him
and Hermione. "Hi, Hermione."

"Remus!" Harry greeted.

"Hello, Remus," Hermione greeted.

Remus looked around, "Where's…"

Harry shook his head.

Remus caught the hint and glanced at the parchment in front of them. "What's that you're
working on?"

"Plans for our next D.A. meeting," Harry said, passing the parchment over to Remus so he
could take a look.

"This is brilliant, but can I make a few minor adjustments?" Remus said, after a few
moments.

"Of course," Hermione said eagerly. "We were going to show you anyway during dinner."

As Harry and Hermione watched Remus look over their D.A. plans, Harry asked, "Remus,
how come Severus didn't make it to lessons today? Did he miss the whole day or was it just
the sixth years?"

Remus frowned at Harry's questions, however he didn't look up from the parchment as he
continued writing on it with Harry's quill.

"It was just your class. I don't know the reason behind it… I don't know if I should even tell
you. It was a bit strange…" Remus trailed off, concentrating on his adjustments.

"Remus, now you have to tell us," Harry deadpanned.

Hermione nodded her agreement. "You know we won't spread it around."

Remus sighed, not saying anything right away. He seemed to be fighting with himself on his
decision of revealing what happened or not. He then finally put the quill down and fixed his
attention on Harry and Hermione.

"Yesterday, during the staff meetings, right after the last one ended, Dumbledore pulled
Severus to the side and told him that he must let Slughorn take over his sixth year class just
for the first day. Severus was livid of course. He argued with Dumbledore, and it became a
whole scene. Dumbledore wouldn't tell Severus exactly why, which pissed him off even more
and I don't blame him. It's the first day of the term. He stalked over to Slughorn and tossed
his lesson plans at him and stormed out of the classroom, shouting at Dumbledore: "Why am I
even a professor here if you're giving all my classes to that incompetent fool!"

"Whoa," was all Harry could say.

"I know," Remus said. "It took me a while to track Severus down after that. I found him
sulking on top of the Astronomy tower."

"Is he still mad about it?"

"Most likely, I haven't really been able to talk to him during this hectic day."
Hermione, who had listened to everything Remus had said, glanced at Harry, and he knew
what she was thinking. Remus' story confirmed her theory of why Severus was missing
during class today. It was definitely Dumbledore trying to give Harry a headstart on
retrieving that memory and Harry had blown it. His stomach clenched with failure. How the
bloody hell was he going to be able to pull this impossible task off? And he was so close to
just revealing it all to Remus right there in the moment. But he remembered Dumbledore
making him promise to not tell anyone but Ron and Hermione.

Remus suddenly reached over and put a hand on Harry's arms. Harry looked down to find
himself unconsciously rubbing at his arms. Hermione noticed as well, she frowned with
concern but she didn't say anything, and Harry was relieved and grateful for her tactfulness.

"I came to find you so we can plan Severus' birthday party," Remus said, his hazel eyes that
were full of concern, sparked with mischief.

Harry smiled at that, feeling his anxiety wash away from the distraction. "We should have a
small party!"

"I was thinking of the same thing, but who do we even invite? I hate to say this but, Severus
doesn't have any friends. Maybe, Madam Pomfrey and the heads of houses would do it,"
Remus said. "But, I don't know, I'm afraid that may be sort of awkward."

"We can invite some of our friends to liven the party up," Harry added. "You'll definitely
come, right, Hermione?"

"Mmm…well… Professor Snape doesn't like being around people in general. Are you sure
this is a good idea?"

"Hermione, he's never had a birthday party before!" Harry protested.

"No, she's right, Harry. This week just started and Severus is already having a tough time of
it, there's no need to stress him out even more. How about something with just us three? It
would probably make him happy."

Harry sighed with disappointment, "Yeah, you're right."

"Don't worry, cub, you can throw me one in March," Remus chuckled, causing Hermione and
Harry to laugh. That earned them a threatening glare from Madam Pince.

They ended up planning a birthday tea on Thursday evening in Severus' quarters. Harry and
Remus were going to bake him a cake and surprise him with it after dinner. Hermione offered
to distract Severus from following them out of the Great Hall until they were ready. It was
called Operation: Surprise Severus with a Birthday Cake.

"Why does it need to have a name?" Harry asked with exasperation. "It's not even a good
one!"

"It's the correct way to plan things such as surprises and pranks. It's only the Marauder way,
cub. Plus we don't have time to waste on finding a better name, I know it sucks."
Once they were done with that, they all walked to the Great Hall for dinner. As promised,
Harry took a seat beside Hermione. He spotted Ron on the other end of the table sitting next
to Lavender, looking thoroughly miserable. Harry didn't dare look anywhere else. He didn't
want to see Ginny and Dean having dinner together.

Remus had affectionately grasped Harry's shoulder, saying his goodbyes to him and
Hermione before he walked up to the staff table, joining Severus who was glaring daggers at
Dumbledore and Slughorn, but when Remus had taken his seat besides him, he tore his dark
eyes away from them and to Remus. Harry watched Severus' whole demeanor change and
softened a bit for just a very small moment, as if Remus' presence calmed Severus' foul
mood. But it was only for a fleeting moment, until Severus' emotionless mask was back up,
hiding the real Severus Snape from the students and staff.

It was midnight as Remus made his rounds on the floor that had the staircase to the
Astronomy tower. He and Tonks were stationed there that night for sentry duty. Tuesday
nights were the days Remus and Tonks were scheduled together to help the Order guard the
castle. Remus had a feeling this might make him exhausted the next day, but it was just as
well that he was up walking the castle corridors. He probably wouldn't be able to sleep if he
tried. The next full-moon was approaching very soon and he could already feel the insomnia
and the restlessness of his soul, the heavy darkness looming a bit closer.

Footsteps were suddenly heard, Remus whirled around with the light of his wand searching
the shadowy corridor. He wasn't supposed to be here on his own. Tonks was Remus' partner,
but she hadn't arrived at his office at the usual time, forcing him to start their rounds without
her and it worried Remus. It wasn't like Tonks to be late. Maybe she was still upset with him
and decided not to show or perhaps got stuck working a late shift at the Auror Department.
Remus frowned as he recalled Tonks saying she was often bullied at the office for being
related to the Blacks and for being a young woman and for being known as clumsy. More
footsteps interrupted Remus from his thoughts and this time his wand illuminated a figure
walking towards him.

"Wotcher, Remus," Tonks' voice rang through the empty shadowy corridor. "It's just me." She
stepped into Remus' wand light, blinking from its brightness.

"Dora, I thought you weren't going to show up tonight," Remus said with a breath of relief,
lowering his wand away from her eyes.

"Well, mad at you or not, I still have to keep up with my duties. Where are we heading?"

"The Astronomy tower."

"Ah, lead the way then."

"Hey, I'm sorry you felt so upset with me that you ended up being late tonight."

"Don't worry, Remus, it wasn't just that. I got stuck with all the paperwork tonight. Those
bastards can't tear themselves away from the field long enough to sit down and do the
paperwork. That's the second time this week they've piled everything onto my desk," Tonks
complained with a huff of annoyance.

Remus frowned at that. "Tonks…"

Tonks glanced at Remus, catching his look of concern. "It's fine, Remus. I got here
eventually, didn't I?"

"But if this is really becoming a problem and you're feeling mistreated, maybe we can talk to
Alastor about it."

Tonks snorted at that. "I'm not going to go crying to my mentor about this. It's bad enough
that I'm the youngest Auror in the office, no need to give them any more fuel to the fire that I
can't handle my own problems as an adult."

Remus sighed at her stubbornness.

"It would only make things worse, Remus," she added.

"Okay, you're right," Remus said.

"I'm always right."

Remus grinned, "Absolutely."

Tonks suddenly shoved Remus.

"Hey, what was that for?!"

"I'm still upset with you! How's the bite, has it healed yet?"

"Yeah," Remus brought his hand up to his neck. "I've put a Glamour Charm on the scar."

"That's going to get annoying," Tonks said.

"I know, I have to reapply it like twice a day. I'm starting to wish I was a metamorphmagus
like you."

"A werewolf and a metamorphmagus? You can't have everything, sweetie," Tonks laughed.

Remus chuckled in return as they reached the entrance to the Astronomy tower. They began
to climb the long winding staircase.

"Blimey, I'm going to pass out," Tonks gasped for breath as they finally reached the top. She
tripped just at the top and almost fell back, but luckily Remus grabbed her by the upper arm
and held her steady.

"You okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, just give me a moment," Tonks gasped, stepping a good distance away from the stairs,
trying to catch her breath.
Remus nodded, giving Tonks her space. He glanced around and saw that the fourth year
Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws were having a late night Astronomy class, looking up through
their telescopes and charting their star charts. Remus found Professor Sinistra walking among
her class. She gave him a warning look to not disrupt her lesson.

Remus nodded and motioned for Tonks to come with him on the far side, away from the
students. Remus hauled himself up on the ledge and sat down, dangling his feet off the edge.

"Looks like everything is clear tonight," Remus pointed out. Tonks didn't say anything and he
quickly glanced at her then back towards the view of the grounds.

"What?" he asked her.

"Remus, is that safe?"

Tonks leaned over the edge, looking down, then seemed to get dizzy from it. She stepped
back.

Remus shrugged. "I can always use a Hover Charm if I fall."

"Oh, for fuck's sake, Remus!" Tonks whispered to him, aware of the students on the tower
with them. "What is it with you and always having this need to put your life in danger?"

Remus shrugged again. "I like living life on the edge or should I say ledge?"

Tonks laughed, "That's a horrible joke!"

Remus smiled, then it faltered. He looked down at his hands. He was wearing the green
gloves Severus had given him for Christmas, freshly washed and repaired from being ruined
on Christmas night. It reminded him of why Tonks was upset with him.

"Dora, I'm not taking the mission."

Tonks breathed a sigh of relief at that. "It's not that I couldn't believe in you. I know you're
powerful enough, smart enough and brave enough to have a chance in pulling something as
big as that off, but I just don't want to lose you, Remus."

"I know," was all Remus could say.

And together they watched the stars above, pointing out a few constellations until it was time
to patrol the other floors of the castle.

During the next two days that passed, Remus was exhausted and it didn't help that when he
went to bed last night, he was plagued with confusing dreams of that mysterious bright light
and Kaylie now running beside him, her pelt brushing up against Remus' own in silent
support. Remus had thought that Kaylie finally revealing herself in his dreams, telling Remus
that her death wasn't his fault would be the end of these confusing dreams, but they kept
happening. The bright light with the mysterious black wolf was always just out of his reach.

But despite being exhausted, today was Severus' birthday. They hadn't really been able to
make time for each other during the past few days, due to it being a hectic first week back at
Hogwarts.

All they managed in the past few days were meals together in the Great Hall and most of the
time, they were rushed due to one of them having to be somewhere or one of them being
called away by a professor or student. And what Remus missed the most was the privacy of
being alone together. He and Severus had gotten used to being comfortable with each other
during the holidays at the cabin, now they had to figure out how to have a secret relationship
at Hogwarts when most of the day was being spent among hundreds of students and around
the staff. They were forced to act as just close colleagues. They weren't out as a couple. They
felt that it wasn't safe to reveal their relationship to the public, especially with the war going
on and the important role Severus played in it. Also, Remus was very well-known among the
Death Eaters, they despised werewolves. And Remus couldn't help but imagine the dangers
Voldemort and his followers knowing about them would bring. It would get Severus' cover
blown for sure, and possibly even killed.

Sometimes, Severus and Remus would pass each other in the crowded corridors. Remus
would sometimes catch himself from reaching a hand out to Severus. Sometimes they would
dare to chance a glance at each other, the corner of Severus' lip upturned. A secret smile just
for Remus. It would always cause the winged creatures in his stomach to flutter.

They were able to manage a spot of tea together Monday evening, but that was about it.
Remus had guard duty Tuesday night with Tonks, and Severus was paired up with Minerva
on Wednesdays. They haven't even been able to sleep together in one bed, forced to sleep in
their own living quarters. Remus sighed as he walked down to the Great Hall from his office.
He missed the holidays.

At least this morning he had managed to pull off another, more private birthday surprise for
Severus…

Remus got ready for the day, then flooed straight to Severus' quarters. He dumped all of his
teaching materials on the coffee table and then found Severus standing in the kitchen,
organizing his lesson plans for the day which were all splayed out over the table. Severus
snapped his head up at the roar of his fireplace and the green glow.

"Remus?" he called out with delighted surprise.

"Happy Birthday, love!" Remus only said, going over to Severus, sweeping him off his feet
and hoisting him up on the counter, attacking him with a deep kiss as he unbuckled Severus'
pants.

Remus licked his lips, remembering the quiet moans, curse words and terms of endearment
for Remus that Severus had let out, remembering the taste of him going down his throat…
After Remus' birthday surprise for Severus, they had walked to breakfast together, holding
hands until they exited the empty dungeons and reluctantly pulled apart, once or twice they
dangerously allowed their hands to brush against each other as they walked through a few
empty corridors.

With his thoughts on that morning, Remus climbed down the moving staircases, he couldn't
help but feel sad when he realized that he hadn't seen Severus since then. He was starting to
really miss his boyfriend. Remus had skipped lunch today for the first phase of their mission,
Operation: Surprise Severus with a Birthday Cake, which was to go down to the kitchens and
gather everything he needed, plus a few sandwiches. He met Harry and Hermione at his
quarters and together they quickly had lunch, then made the cake which was phase two.

Then phase three of their mission was once Harry and Hermione had to go to their next
lessons, Remus quickly flooed to Severus' quarters and hid the finished cake in his icebox
with a Warding Charm to prevent Severus from opening it.

Remus made it to the Great Hall a bit late for dinner. He had just completed phase four,
which was to floo to the cabin and pick up some board games, pillows and blankets. He right
away spotted Severus at the staff table, eating and listening to something Minerva was saying
to him. Severus' dark eyes flickered to the door as he spoke to the formidable witch in return,
as if he sensed Remus' sudden presence in the hall. He was most likely waiting for Remus to
appear, most likely wondering what had kept him away during lunch. Severus looked partly
frustrated and partly relieved to see Remus walking towards the staff table, then he tore his
eyes away from him and forced his attention back on Minerva.

Remus walked past the Gryffindor table, catching Harry's eye and giving him a quick wink.
Soon, phase five of Operation: Surprise Severus with a Birthday Cake was going to
commence.

Remus took his seat besides Severus, who glanced at him but couldn't say anything just yet,
being stuck in a conversation still with Minerva. Flitwick and Sprout had also joined them.
As Remus piled some chicken and potatoes and corn on the cob on his plate, he couldn't help
but notice that Dumbledore was still missing. He'd been missing the whole week and Remus
wondered why.

He ate his food, silently listening to the conversation going on beside him. It sounded like the
heads of houses were trying to get Severus to go out with them to the village to celebrate his
birthday.

"Just celebrate without me," Severus said with annoyance.

Remus snorted at that, almost choking on his food. He picked up his goblet and drank some
water, only to find Severus glaring at him.

"What's so funny, Lupin?" Severus drawled. It was a bit sexy, Remus couldn't help but think
of what Severus had moaned out to him the last time they saw each other.

Remus grinned, "It's your birthday, Severus? Happy Birthday!" Remus thought he sounded
pretty convincing that he was just finding out about it just that moment. Severus huffed with
annoyance and rolled his eyes, going back to his food.
"Oh, please, Remus, help us convince Severus to join us for a nightcap at the Three
Broomsticks," Minerva pleaded with a smile. "And why don't you join us as well?"

Noticing that Severus was almost done with his dinner, Remus took a few quick bites and
stood up, swallowing his food and another gulp of water from his goblet, startling Severus
and the other professors from his sudden movement to depart.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Minerva. I must go, I have a pile of student work in my office that is not
going to grade itself, and with the full-moon approaching, I believe this is the only time to do
it. I'll hate to fall behind after the first week."

"You just got here," Severus mouthed to Remus from behind his curtain of hair so the others
wouldn't see.

Remus just gave him a regretful shrug.

"You are right, Remus, have a good night now," Minerva said with regretful understanding,
not seeing the quiet exchange between Remus and Severus. "Next time, then."

"Yes, next time. Good night, everyone," Remus said, ignoring the glare Severus was sending
him, knowing it meant that he better not dare leave him with them, just in case he did get
roped into going to the Three Broomsticks with them. Remus wasn't worried about that
happening, Hermione was sure to find a way to prevent that.

Remus then turned away, leaving the staff table and headed towards the doors of the Great
Hall, gesturing with a nod of his chin at Harry to follow after him. Remus could feel Severus'
eyes on him, and Hermione must've seen Severus getting up because she quickly leapt out of
her seat and determinedly walked over to the staff table.

"Professor, I have a question about the essay you've assigned…"

Remus briefly looked back before exiting the hall to see Severus' expression scowling with
frustration and annoyance as he was forced to stop and speak to Hermione.

"We don't have very long to set everything up," Remus said to Harry who had quickly caught
up with him. "Phase five of Operation: Surprise Severus with a Birthday Cake has been
accomplished, eating dinner and getting out of the Great Hall without Severus following us."

They quickly headed down to the dungeons. Luckily since everyone was at dinner, no one
was around to see them go in an unusual direction for a Gryffindor student and the Defense
Against the Dark Arts Professor.

"Now, what? Phases six and seven: setting everything up, and surprising Severus with the
cake?" Harry laughed. "You're such a dork, papa."

Remus laughed, "You always say you wanted to be a part of the Marauders. This is how we
did our pranks, giving them a name and planning them out in carefully well-thought out
phases. That is why most of them worked out so well."

.
.

When Severus walked into his dark quarters, Remus and Harry were ready. As soon as
Severus waved his wand at the lanterns, lighting up his quarters, Remus and Harry standing
in the living room, shouted, "Surprise!" and shot Severus with confetti from the tips of their
wands, thoroughly giving Severus a heart attack. Harry and Remus high-fived each other,
congratulating each other on their accomplished mission.

"Mischief Managed," Harry said, laughing at a confetti decked out, angry-looking Severus
Snape by the closed portrait door.

"What the holy fuck is all this?" Severus shouted with his hand to his heart.

"Your surprise birthday party," Harry innocently grinned.

"Oh fuck, don't tell me there are people here," Severus groaned.

"No, just us, love," Remus chuckled.

"Oh, thank Merlin," Severus grumbled as he took off his outer robes, shaking the confetti off,
then hanging them up on the coat rack where Remus had left his own.

"Are you okay, dad?" Harry grinned. "Were you surprised?"

"Surprised? I think you two almost gave me a heart attack is more like it," Severus said,
dusting the confetti off of his clothes and out of his hair.

"At least you can say you've had a surprise birthday party now!" Harry pointed out.

Remus softly chuckled at Harry as he stepped towards Severus, helping him dust the confetti
out of his hair and off his shoulders, saying sweetly, "Severus, come look what we've done
for you."

Looking at Remus, Severus' annoyance at his sudden scare faded away and he let Remus lead
him to the sofas.

Remus was watching Severus' face as he took in their set up. He and Harry had pushed the
sofas and armchairs back a bit for more space. They moved the coffee table to another part of
the living room so that it was out of the way. And on the living room floor in front of the
fireplace, Remus had laid a Cushioning Charm so that they wouldn't feel the hard floor
underneath. Harry fixed the space up with blankets over the carpet and placed pillows
everywhere making it more comfortable. At the center was a chocolate cake that said, Happy
Birthday, Severus! in neat green icing done by Hermione with a charm. They had promised to
save her a piece of cake in return for her help. Thirty-seven candles were placed on the cake.
There was a case of cold butterbeer and a stack of games that contained a pack of exploding
snap cards, chess, Battleship, Monopoly and gobstones.

Severus gapped at the set up, then whipped his head towards Remus with a small smile,
gently pulling Remus to him by his waist and into a quick kiss.
Harry rolled his eyes at the sight of them kissing. Seeing that, Severus let go of Remus to pull
Harry into a one-armed hug, ruffling his hair and shooting Slytherin-colored confetti over
Harry's head from his wand with a smirk.

"Hey!" Harry laughed, covering his face in a shower of silver and green confetti that was
landing on his clothes and hair. "It was Remus' idea too!"

"So quick to turn on me, huh?" Remus chuckled at Harry with mock offense, sending another
shower of confetti over his head.

"Argh! Papa! Not you too!" Harry laughed, brushing it out of his hair. "It's going to take
weeks to get this stuff out!" He grabbed a handful and tossed it at Remus, who playfully
dodged out of the way. Harry took off his glasses, sending a shower of confetti falling from
the floor, sending Remus into hysterical laughter as he pulled Harry into a hug, brushing the
rest of the confetti off of him.

Severus watched their playfulness with amusement, then asked, "You two really did this for
me?" Severus sounded so touched and surprised, as if he wasn't used to this sort of treatment.

"Yeah, of course! Happy birthday, dad, come on, make a wish and blow out your candles!"
Harry said, taking his arm and leading him to a spot in front of the cake.

"I guess we'll just leave my quarters covered in confetti then," Severus grumbled at the mess.

"That's the spirit, Severus!" Remus cheered.

Remus and Harry then chose spots on either side of Severus and started singing Happy
Birthday. Remus couldn't help but chuckle at the blush creeping up Severus' pale cheeks from
all of the attention. He then blew out the candles with the biggest smile on his face, no one at
Hogwarts would ever believe that Severus Snape could ever smile like that.

As they ate their cake on the living room floor, washing it down with cold butterbeer, they all
caught up with each other with how their week went. Severus ranted about his fury over
Slughorn and Dumbledore, then asked Harry about something peculiar that happened during
Slughorn's class on Monday having to do with a bezoar. Harry had shrugged it away, saying
he got the idea in a book in the library. That he's been spending a lot of time there with
Hermione since she didn't want to be in the Gryffindor common room anymore with Ron and
Lavender Brown. Remus could tell that Severus didn't quite believe it, but he let it slide,
probably to avoid this night ending in an argument between them.

Harry then told them how excited he was for the Apparition lessons starting in February, and
that having Apparated already before had brought unwanted attention from the other sixth
years. He also told Severus what Remus, Hermione and himself had planned for the first D.A
meeting next week, and that he couldn't wait to start up Quidditch practice again, and scolded
Severus and Remus for the audacity of all the homework they've been assigning.

Remus sat and listened, giving in his input every now and then. He couldn't help but smile at
Severus who wasn't much into sweets, but had helped himself to another piece of cake. And
they spent the rest of the evening playing board games, until Severus and Remus who were
playing chess with Harry watching and laughing at their competitive banter, noticed Harry
had fallen asleep laying on his stomach, his head resting on the pillow he was using to rest
his arms and chin on.

"Severus…"

"Hold on, I'm concentrating, darling…" Severus said, his eyes focused on the board.

"Our kid has fallen asleep," Remus chuckled.

Severus tore his eyes away from the board and laughed at the sight. Harry was completely
out, softly snoring. "I'll take him to his bed, he can spend the night here."

Severus stood up and gently gathered Harry into his arms.

"You got him?" Remus asked.

"Yeah," Severus said, carefully stepping over the games and remains of the cake and empty
butterbeer bottles and walking over to Harry's bedroom.

Once Severus disappeared with Harry, Remus used his wand to clear everything away,
sending all the pillows and blankets neatly folded up on one of the sofas. The cake was sent
to the ice-box and the empty bottles to the rubbish bin. The dirty dishes went to the kitchen
sink. The games were stacked neatly on the coffee table that stayed in its new spot, keeping it
out of the way. The Cushioning Charm was lifted and Remus casted a Silencing Charm over
Harry's bedroom. Remus then waved his hand at the lanterns, making their flames dim a bit
more. He pointed his wand to a gramophone that was sitting on one of the shelves. Soft
music began to fill the room.

"Remus, what is all this?" Severus asked with surprise, stepping out of Harry's room and
closing the door softly behind him.

Remus turned towards Severus with a soft smile. "May I have this dance?" he asked, holding
an arm out to Severus.

Severus' eyes were soft as he stared at Remus with wonder, accepting the invitation.

Remus, leading them into a steady dance, said with gentle amusement, "You've once told me
that you wished you would've danced with me tonight. Do you remember that, Severus?"

Severus seemed at a loss for words, he was gazing at Remus with so much love and wonder
in his eyes, as if someone had put an enchantment on him. He was able to nod once,
swallowing nervously, his Adam's Apple bobbing up and then down.

Remus snorted with amusement and leaned his forehead against Severus' own, dazed
obsidian eyes were all he could see. And with an arm around Severus, one hand pressed
against the small of his back, the other interwoven with Severus' slender fingers… Remus
began to softly sing to him…

"Here I stand, head in hand

Turn my face to the wall

If she's gone I can't go on

Feeling two foot small

Everywhere people stare

Each and ev'ryday

I can see them laugh at me

And I hear them say…"

Remus guided Severus into a spin then pulled him back so close against him again. Severus'
eyes were on Remus' lips as he sang so softly to him. Remus was sure Severus could feel his
warm breath against his own lips.

"Hey, you've got to hide your love away

Hey, you've got to hide your love away

How can I even try

I can never win

Hearing them, seeing them

In the state I'm in

How could she said to me

Love will find a way

Gather 'round all you clowns

Let me hear you say…"

"Fuck, I've missed you so much, Remus," Severus finally managed to say, snapping out of his
daze. He suddenly took the lead from Remus, spinning him around several times, then held
him close, almost ready to just kiss him senseless.

"Hey, you've got to hide your love away

Hey, you've got to hide your love away…"

So shocked at this sudden turn of events and of the fact that Severus could dance and had
been hiding it from him this whole time, it was all Remus could do to keep singing and not
break into laughter, and when he finally sang the last note, Severus caught him in a deep kiss.
A deep kiss that slowed down everything around them. Remus couldn't even hear the low
music coming from the gramophone anymore. They kissed and they kissed, Severus pulling
Remus so close against him. His hands traveled up and down Remus' body, feeling, exploring
every part of him that he could reach. Remus did the same thing to Severus, feeling his
slender torso, then reaching down to his waist and butt, squeezing the soft yet firm cheeks.
Remus felt himself begin to harden under Severus' touch and he could also feel Severus' own
hard bulge pressed against his thigh.

"Are you trying to seduce me, Remus Lupin?" Severus whispered once they finally pulled
their lips apart from one another.

Severus suddenly spun Remus around one more time before he could answer him, then
pulled Remus close so that his back was pressed against Severus' front. Behind him, Severus
brushed his hair aside, pulling at his collar so he could nuzzle Remus' neck, peppering his
skin with soft lingering kisses. He lifted his neck up to give Severus better access, closing his
eyes and enjoying each kiss, each soft loving touch from Severus' lips. They swayed to the
music, Severus had his arms wrapped around Remus' waist, their hands interwoven.

"Is it working?" Remus tried to say with mischief, but it came out in a quiet gasp. His
stomach was so full of butterflies, fluttering madly inside of him, causing him to lose feeling
in his legs and he was so glad that Severus was holding him up so tightly because Remus was
so close to falling down to his knees.

As an answer, Severus began to suckle at his earlobe then left a train of soft kisses behind his
ear and down his neck, finding a tender spot to latch onto and started sucking it, most likely
leaving Remus a hickey. While doing that, Severus purposely pressed his hard bulge against
the back of Remus' thighs, so dangerously close to the entrance of his butt.

Remus let out another gasp, "I'll take that as a yes!"

They had somehow managed to make it to Severus' bedroom, locking the door and getting
into the bed between desperate kisses. Severus laid Remus down into the sheets, taking off
his vest, his shirt and tie, then his pants and shoes and socks until Remus was completely
naked on the bed underneath him. Severus stared down at him, his obsidian eyes taking in
every single feature of Remus' body and it made Remus feel beautiful and human for the first
time in such a long time. To somehow have Severus Snape look at him like that… Severus
kissed him hard, then climbed off of him to take off his own clothes and his shoes and socks,
throwing it all on the floor, then climbed back over Remus, covering him in not desperate and
quick kisses like before but slow, passionate ones, lingering kisses, trailing up and down
Remus' entire body, his eyes always finding Remus'. They were so big and so dark and
Remus could see Severus falling in love with him even more than before.

Remus reached out a trembling hand, his whole body was shaking partly from the cold air
coming in from the open bedroom window and partly from nervous anticipation of what they
both knew what this was leading to. Remus cupped the side of Severus' face. Their eyes
connected. Severus' hair fell in curtains around his face, tickling Remus' cheeks. The only
thing Severus was wearing was the wooden wolf pendant around his neck. It dangled on his
chest. He turned his face, kissing Remus' hand. They didn't speak, they didn't have to. Lost in
each other's eyes, they both knew what the other wanted, both knew they were ready for the
next best step of their relationship. Remus watched Severus as he continued kissing his
fingers, he wanted Severus inside of him, needed to feel Severus filling him up, needed to
feel as close and vulnerable and complete as Remus could possibly be with the one person
that was so dear to him.

Remus spread his legs open as far as he could, feeling the warm weight of Severus on top of
him, his hard member touching his own. Severus let go of his hand to give him a loving kiss
on his lips, leaning his forehead against Remus' own.

"I love you, darling, you have no idea how beautiful you are right now," Severus whispered
in his ear.

Remus moaned out in desperate want. "I love you too, Severus… My love, I need you…" he
gasped out, his body trembling even harder.

Severus reached over and pulled a jar out of his nightstand drawer. Kissing Remus a couple
of more times on the lips, his cheek, his forehead, before climbing off of him. Remus
watched Severus on his knees, opening the small jar, his naked body trembling just as hard as
Remus' own. He coated his fingers with the clear substance, then looked down at Remus'
spread legs, exposing the most private parts of himself. Severus' eyes lightened with
excitement and wonder as he took Remus in, then he glanced at Remus with a bit of
hesitation but still full of love and desperate want.

"Go ahead, love," Remus whispered shakily.

And Remus felt the gentle pressure, the slight burn of a finger prodding into him. Remus let
out a soft moan, feeling Severus' finger feeling the taut and sensitive muscles inside.

"Deeper…" Remus moaned.

Severus went in as far as he could, Remus' breath was starting to grow heavy. Then he
inserted another finger, stretching Remus and coating him with the clear gel-like substance,
making him ready and loose. Remus let out another ragged moan, breaking out into a sweat.

"Severus," Remus gasped.

"Remus, you're being so fucking sexy right now," Severus growled. He dug his fingers into
Remus as far as he could, making Remus arch his back a bit, letting out another moan.

"Severus… Severus… Please…" Remus whimpered as he then watched Severus coat his
penis with the clear gel with one hand, then tossed the jar on the floor.

Severus pulled his fingers out swiftly and climbed on top of him, latching himself to Remus'
lips and suddenly Remus felt the burning slick pressure of Severus entering him. Remus and
Severus both moaned into their kiss as they felt Severus go deep inside of him.
Remus started gasping out with pleasure and pain, beads of sweat rolling down his face.
Severus lifted Remus' hand and placed it on his face once more.

"Look at me," Severus said with breathy words.

Remus kept his gaze connected to Severus' dark obsidian eyes as Severus began to slowly
thrust into him.

"Severus, I love you so much… I've never been quite in love like this before…" Remus said
between each small gasp, each slow gentle thrust.

And with those words, Severus seemed as if he knew what Remus meant. That their love was
so hot and deep and endless, that Remus didn't feel this sort of love with Sirius Black.
Severus Snape was Remus' soul mate.

And the thrusts became rougher and harder and quicker after that. They were both gasping
for breath. Severus let go of Remus' hand so he could wrap his fingers around Remus' hard
penis, jerking him off until Remus suddenly felt himself reaching to completion.

His orgasim was strong. Remus let out a strangled shout, feeling his muscles contracting,
releasing the tension as he felt himself cum all over Severus' hand. Severus had pounded into
Remus even harder as he orgasimed, then suddenly he let out a shout, warm pleasure filled
Remus up as Severus came inside of him. Then he pulled out and collapsed on top of Remus
in a quivering, sweaty mess.

"What the actual fuck was that?" Severus breathed out in shock. "Remus, I've never had an
orgasim that strong before, I almost fucking cried!"

Remus laughed loudly at that, then pulled Severus' face up, covering him in a gentle series of
kisses, wrapping his arms tightly around his beloved, whispering, "I love you…" over and
over again.

Severus fell asleep first, cradled in Remus' arms, still both naked under the blanket but clean
from the messes they'd left.

The most perfect night… January ninth… Remus would always keep the memory of this
night close to his heart.

And he thought about what he'd admitted to Severus, about Remus falling into a deeper love
with him than he'd ever felt with Sirius. It was clear to Remus now that he and Sirius were
never meant to be. Severus was his soul mate, the person that the universe wanted Remus to
find, this beautiful man sleeping in his arms. And Remus kissed Severus' forehead, and he
felt no guilt at all for Sirius….

Rain began to thrum against the castle, hitting the window pane. It brought with it the scents
of water on earth and cobblestone. Remus laid there with a sleeping Severus in his arms,
listening to the rain, feeling Severus' beating heart as he pressed a hand to his bare chest, his
fingers curling in the fine dark hair dusting Severus' pale skin. Fidgeting a bit with the wolf
pendant resting on Severus' chest. Every now and then placing soft kisses on any part of
Severus that he could reach, counting his soft slow breaths….

Suddenly, thunder boomed loudly across the skies outside, followed by a heavier downpour.
A flash of lightning illuminated the room with white light causing Remus to hold on tighter
to Severus, jumping a bit from the loud cracking noise. Another streak of lighting lit up the
sky causing Severus to stir a bit in his sleep. Remus kissed his temple, whispering him to go
back to sleep as he lifted a hand to shut the window.
 The Dreamer

Chapter Twenty-Six - The Dreamer

When Severus awoke, he reached his arm out to find a cold empty space. Confused, because
he was sure that he'd fallen asleep nestled into Remus' arms last night, he opened his eyes and
was greeted by a blurry silhouette in front of his enchanted window. Blinking the sleep away,
Severus realized it was Remus. He was standing in front of the window, covering his thin
naked body with a sheet. The early light of the gray dawn was seeping through and for a few
moments, all Severus could do was just stare at him.

How the bloody hell did they fall in love so deeply for each other? It still amazed Severus
sometimes that he was in love with one of the boys he'd once hated the very most when he
was a teenager. Remus Lupin, every professor's favorite student, the one with the very dark
secret that Severus had once obsessed over. One of the Marauders that always played pranks
on him and made Severus' life hell with their bullying…but Remus wasn't that boy anymore,
and neither was Severus the boy who'd despised and bullied Remus as well…

This whole time…since the moment they were born, since they'd first boarded the train to
Hogwarts, since they'd first laid eyes on each other and spent seven years of school together
hating each other, even after school was over, leading them to the first war, then the second
war, through everything… They were unknowingly tied together as soulmates… It was just
never the right time…until now… They had to grow up first. They had to lose everything
first in order to finally see each other… And with the new versions of themselves, they found
everything they had lost.

And the memory of last night was still wrapped around Severus like a favorite blanket,
comforting and warm and home. The way those hazel-green eyes like a forest in summer had
lightened up when Severus walked into the living room. Severus saw the sun sparkling in
those eyes as Remus asked him for a dance, the way his soft and alluring voice crooned to
Severus as they swayed to the soft melody coming from the gramophone. Severus
remembered how he could barely speak. His heart was beating so fast, his body trembling to
feel such a strong feeling of love coming off of Remus in waves and directed towards him.
Severus never thought he was deserving of such love.

And when he had laid Remus down into the sheets of his own bed, seeing the sun again in
Remus' eyes, he knew Remus was falling so deep into love with Severus. Severus knew,
because he was helplessly falling every single day himself. And with it, came waves of
heartstopping grief and fear and pain and heartache, knowing that this thing between them
couldn't last. Severus was already missing what hasn't been broken yet. Betraying Remus was
the very last thing Severus ever wanted to do.

Last night, Severus knew as he had pushed himself so deep into Remus, trapped in his
vulnerable hazel eyes as Remus reached completion, it was a look that Severus had never
seen before. It was so raw…and it made the threat of the task so much worse, it made the
invisible noose around Severus' neck feel tighter, because Severus knew, he knew that once
he performed Albus' task, that there was no way their relationship would ever survive it.
Remus had opened himself up to Severus completely. Letting him see all of the broken parts
of him, the scars and the trauma. Letting him see each and every beautiful thing that made
Remus who he was, and how dare Severus to let Remus do it, knowing full well what all this
was only going to lead to. Why the hell was Severus so selfish? To just let it all happen?!

As he gazed at Remus standing in front of his bedroom window, Severus grew very angry
with himself. Remus had even admitted that the feelings he had for Severus were stronger
and deeper than he'd ever felt for Black, and Severus was going to destroy that. He was going
to destroy Remus. He wanted to just cry and scream and rage and go to Albus Dumbledore
and break his fucking nose. He should end this with Remus, before they were in so deep, but
then watching Remus, the gray dawn washing over him, the way the sheet draped over his
bare shoulders, remembering the way Remus looked at him last night, held him as he fell
asleep, the tender caresses and lingering kisses… Severus knew it was too late. It was too
fucking late. He was too selfish to end it between them.

Severus entertained the thought of them having a future together. Of growing old together in
the cabin. Harry, growing up and bringing his own family to visit them. Remus writing his
songs, reading his books on the porch swing. Severus joining him after spending a few hours
in his lab. Watching the quiet lake, the sunset together, holding hands, and seeing that
smile… Going to bed with him each night…running alongside him each full-moon…
Severus' heart ached at what he couldn't have, it ached for a future so out of his reach, that he
could barely even see it anymore. Soulmates or not, their love had a death sentence to it and a
fresh new wave of grief and hurt and heartache went through Severus again that he almost
cried out, but he held it, making it burn through him, causing the pain to feel even worse as
he realized the magnitude of what he was going to lose. Severus just wanted a life with
Remus, he wanted a life with his son… Was that too much to ask for? Severus silently
begged the universe, to anyone above that could be listening, that once he completed Albus'
task, to just take Severus somewhere so he could die alone, that way he would never have to
see the betrayal in their eyes.

Severus sighed and stretched, turning on his back and rubbing the sleep out of his eyes before
quietly getting out of bed. He pushed all of the depressing thoughts out of his head, but his
heart was still aching, the noose was still tight around his neck, choking him, the death
sentence echoing in his head. But as he gathered Remus into his arms, pulling him close from
behind and resting his chin on Remus' shoulder, it all faded away to a barely tolerable echo,
where he could easily ignore it. Remus turned his head a bit towards Severus with a sweet
smile. Severus' favorite one, the smile only reserved for him. Severus took a deep breath,
taking in Remus' scent of clean sweat and of the love they had made to each other during the
night. It was intoxicating.

"Good morning, Severus," Remus said so softly and endearingly sweet. The way Remus'
voice sounded as he said Severus' name, it caused his stomach to flip over and he suddenly
had half a mind to just pick Remus up and throw him back into bed so that Severus could
ravish him.

"Good morning," Severus said back. "Why are you up so early? The sun hasn't even risen yet.
Come back to bed with me."
"I couldn't sleep, but going back to bed with you does sound like a wonderful idea…" Remus
said. "This window… It's enchanted, isn't it? We are supposed to be underground. It's
amazing. Hogwarts is amazing, it always manages to surprise me sometimes."

"I thought you knew every nook and cranny. Aren't you the creator of the Marauder's Map?"

"Ah, my greatest achievement," Remus huffed out with pride, causing Severus to chuckle a
bit.

"You were always too brilliant for this school," Severus muttered as he started to leave soft
kisses on Remus' bare shoulder, kissing each tiny freckle. "Why couldn't you sleep, baby?" he
muttered again.

Remus sighed out with exhaustion, "The full-moon is approaching. I could sleep for days
once the transformation is over, but before it I get terrible insomnia. I've only managed to fall
asleep long after you did and I had no dreams for once, but then I just woke up and I felt so
wide awake and restless that it grew painful to lay in bed… Severus," Remus said with
hesitation. "The wolf… It's stirring in my soul… It… It wants to look for the wolf that
claimed it as its mate…"

Severus looked up from his kisses, catching Remus' eyes in the reflection of the window.
They were flecked with gold. They weren't like that before they had fallen asleep. Then
Severus glanced down at Remus' neck and for the first time since he awoke, he noticed that
the Glamour Charm Remus had been putting on it was off. Severus hadn't seen the scar in a
while, not since it was fully and freshly healed.

And Severus had the craziest thought. He wanted to kiss it. He wanted to make that scar into
his own bonding claim on Remus and take away the claim Rowan left on Remus' soul. It
probably wouldn't work… It won't work actually, but Severus still wanted to do it. To show
Remus that Rowan wasn't going to take this away from them. Remus belonged to Severus, to
himself, to Harry… Their little family… Not to Rowan and Greyback and their pack.

Severus hesitantly began to kiss Remus' neck, inching closer and closer to the scar, and when
he had reached the edges of it Remus pulled away with a shiver.

"What are you doing?" Remus asked with disgust in his voice.

"Remus… Forgive me," Severus said, letting go of him.

Remus turned around to face him, putting a hand to the scar and his eyes were full of the
disgust that came out in his voice, and Severus realized that the disgust Remus was feeling
wasn't directed towards Severus, but projected onto himself.

"Remus, you are no monster. You are human," Severus said, reminding him gently. And with
those words, the disgust in Remus' eyes seemed to clear a bit.

"You make me feel human, Severus, but sometimes it slips away from me. This scar is just an
ugly reminder of it… They both are…"
Severus placed a hand on Remus' bare chest, over the burn scar, feeling the beat of his heart.

"Do you want to know what Harry told me about that one," Remus said, indicating the burn
scar…Werewolf: Classified Dark Creature….

Severus nodded.

"It can be easier to bear it if this can remind you of what you are not, instead of what
Greyback wants you to believe you are. Use it to fight against his voice in your head."

Severus snorted with half amusement and half shock that Harry had said that. "I knew he was
smart, he just doesn't apply himself. Follow them, Remus, live by those words, use these
scars to make yourself stronger, not weaker. Don't let them have what they want."

Remus leaned closer to Severus, kissing him softly on the lips. Severus kissed him back, then
turned Remus back around so that he could face the window again with his back pressed
against Severus' body, his hands firmly gripping Remus' hips. Remus dropped the sheet, the
soft fabric pooling over their bare feet.

Severus whispered into Remus' ear, his warm breath making him shiver, "Let me shower that
scar in kisses. Let me take away Rowan's residue from you. Let me take back your soul."

Remus gasped at those words.

Severus took that as a yes and he began to kiss Remus' ear then down to his neck, all the way
to the scar and began kissing and suckling it, leaving the biggest hickey over it. Severus was
very proud of his improvement of the scar.

Remus then turned around again and caught Severus in a deep kiss. Severus moaned into it
and suddenly picked Remus up, taking him to his bed. He laid Remus down among the
sheets, kissing him so gently over and over again. Remus had wrapped his arms and legs
around Severus, but was still able to summon the jar that was tossed to the floor last night
with an outstretched hand.

As soon as Severus entered Remus, causing him to gasp from the shock of being filled, it
started to rain. The heavy thrumming of the rain banging against the window pane. Severus,
who was slowly thrusting himself into Remus while kissing him, pulled away from their kiss
and said, looking over his shoulder at the window, "It's raining."

"It's been storming on and off all night. I'm surprised you've slept through it."

And even though Severus wanted to get up and check on his Animagus Potion, he just
couldn't tear himself away from Remus. He kept up his slow, steady rhythm, even when the
first strike of lightning lit up their room. He felt Remus jump a bit after the thunderous boom
that followed. Severus just pulled Remus closer to him, going in as deep as he could. And
once they had both reached their climax, Severus didn't even bother to pull out right away,
enjoying Remus enveloped around him.
They shared mindless conversation together, flirting and making each other laugh,
occasionally exchanging soft heartfelt and lingering kisses every now and then. It was like a
dream Severus never wanted to wake up from, but he still felt the noose of his fate around his
neck, never letting him forget that soon this dream that was his life would turn into a
nightmare… It made Severus appreciate this moment with Remus all the more…storing away
every kiss in his mind, storing away every time Remus laughed and Severus could feel the
vibrations of it in the werewolf's chest. Remus' gentle whispers and his smile, the way his
hazel eyes shone as he gazed at Severus… Storing it all away to keep Severus from breaking
completely when all of this would be gone. Soon, Severus began to notice Remus drifting off
to sleep and he didn't wake him, leaving loving kisses on his temple, inhaling Remus' sweet
scent….

Severus watched the rain beating against his window as Remus slept in his arms, their legs
tangled together under the covers. His mind drifted back to his Animagus Potion...

If Severus was lucky, once the lightning storm was over, the potion sealed in its tiny crystal
phial would start to turn a blood-red. But he wasn't allowed to look at it any longer or check
on it. It must now remain in the dark, undisturbed, while every sunrise and sunset Severus
would have to say the incantation: Amato Animo Animato Animagus' while touching the tip
of his wand to his chest until he felt a second heartbeat. Once he felt it, then that meant the
potion was blood-red and ready.

The next step was that Severus would have to find a quiet spot alone to sit and meditate,
closing his mind and thinking of absolutely nothing at all until an animal would appear
walking towards him in his mind's eye. Once that happened, Severus would have to say the
incantation again then drink the potion, then the transformation would begin.

According to the books, meditation was the hardest part. You had to completely close off
your mind against every single thought, but luckily Severus was a master of Occlumency. He
was not worried one bit. And if Black and Potter could pull this off as teenagers, even the
bloody rat, then Severus knew he was more than capable of pulling this off, and even quicker
then they had. Severus was really hoping that this may be completed by spring. The thought
of Remus being alone in that shack, remembering how deathly cold Severus had found him
after the full-moon in December, Severus shuddered at that and left a lingering kiss on
Remus' soft and slightly parted lips, then fell back into a light sleep himself.

Soon January turned into February and with it, endless rainstorms that melted away the snow,
and whatever was left it became slippery sludge on the ground. Everything was just so wet
and drafty all of the time, and to the discomfort of Remus, the air was cold all of the time as
well, especially in the corridors.

It was the first Saturday of February and because of the rain, the first lesson of Apparition for
the sixth years had to be held in the Great Hall. All of the tables were pushed aside against
the walls, and in rows were hoops with each student taking a spot in front of one. Severus and
all the other heads of houses had been roped into chaperoning the lesson, just like every year
before it. Severus hated this. Whose idea was it to think that sixteen was a good age to
practice Apparition, and to have over fifty students do it all at the same time? The splinching
disasters were a menace, Severus had stories over his sixteen years of teaching.

Severus walked through a group of his Slytherins, scolding a group of girls who were
giggling at a group of Slytherin and Hufflepuff boys that were standing nearby them. Severus
rolled his eyes at them with annoyance and casted a warning glare. It quieted them instantly.
The students near him were the quietest in the Great Hall, waiting under Severus' watchful
glare as the other heads of houses tried controlling the noise level from the rest of the hall.
Severus sighed out loud with annoyance and impatience, then scowled when he caught Draco
acting suspicious as hell in the very back of the room with Crabbe and Goyle.

Severus sighed again with annoyance. He would much rather be spending his Saturday in
Remus' company, instead of with a bunch of teenagers who couldn't stop bloody talking so
that the lesson could get started!

The noise level had finally begun to lower enough to hear Draco arguing with his friends,
Severus was just about to make his way over there when Minerva suddenly shouted,
"Malfoy! Be quiet!"

That was bad luck and timing. Whatever they were arguing about had looked and sounded
pretty intense, it had even almost quieted the hall for a moment. Severus wished he'd caught
what Draco had been saying to Crabbe and Goyle, he was just surprised that his godson had
even shown up to this. Severus guessed Apparition could be quite useful if you're planning on
becoming a Death Eater.

Movement towards a Gryffindor group near the middle of the hall suddenly caught Severus'
eye, and he scowled again with a greater amount of annoyance than he had felt before when
he realized it was Harry changing his spot to stand behind Draco and his friends.

What the bloody hell is that kid up to?

Still standing besides the subdued group of Slytherin girls, Severus glowered at Harry from
across the hall, but his son didn't notice it or he was choosing to ignore it.

One last group of Ravenclaws joined the hall, followed by Granger who sat far apart from
Weasley, and the noise level intensified… Severus' head was now pounding, promising the
start of an unpleasant migraine. He drew his eyes back to Harry and Draco. Harry had said
something to Draco to cause the Slytherin to whip his head around and fix him with an angry
and cold stare.

Severus suddenly remembered them running around his quarters during the past summer,
chasing after Harry's practice snitch, the annoying ruckus they would cause together… Those
two boys… Arch enemies for years… Then friends for one summer and now arch enemies
again… It was so hard to see them hating each other again, or Draco at least pretending to,
pushing Harry away and causing Harry to really hate him in return.

Would they ever get back that easy friendship they once had once the war was over? Why
couldn't Draco just give Harry a sign that his coldness and hatred wasn't real, that he was
doing it to keep Harry out of his situation? Then it wouldn't be so hard for Harry. And
Severus wondered about his own daunting task for the millionth time, would Harry forgive
him? Forgive Draco? Severus wasn't sure anymore, and the only thing that made him feel just
a tiny bit better was knowing that whatever happens during the war, Harry and Remus would
have each other.

Suddenly, a sharp twinge behind his eyes pulled Severus out of his thoughts and he roared
out, "Quiet!" without meaning to.

And at first, Severus was surprised at the echo of his voice, until he realized that Flitwick,
Minerva and Sprout had all shouted quiet at the exact same time as he did. Well, at least it
worked, because not one student was speaking and the instructor was now able to finally
begin the lesson.

Bloody teenagers! Severus couldn't help but scowl, sending glares to students who were
caught not paying attention.

When the lesson was finally over with just very minor accidents, Severus wanted to go to
Harry and pull him aside but there were too many people around, too many Slytherin eyes
watching, and so Severus only huffed with frustration as he watched his son leave with
Weasley, Granger quickly walking past them. Their heads were bent together in quiet
conversation, Weasley glaring at Granger as she passed. Severus knew they were talking
about Draco, he frowned with annoyance at that. He'd told Harry so many times to stay away
from Draco, and Severus made a note to himself to speak to Harry about this later when he
found the chance.

Severus didn't find Remus in his quarters, so he tried his office instead. He knocked to warn
Remus of him entering, then muttered the password. The portrait door opened revealing the
very person Severus had been wanting to see all day sitting at his desk, his brows furrowed as
he read an open scroll of parchment with studious concentration.

Severus stepped inside and Remus suddenly looked up, their eyes instantly meeting, and
Remus' careful concentration turned into a warm smile.

"Ah, Severus, love, you found me," Remus chuckled.

"And thank fucking Merlin," Severus said with a tired sigh as he crossed the office in a few
quick strides and greeted Remus with a deep kiss.

Then when they pulled apart, Severus couldn't help but wince. His migraine was growing
worse, causing him to turn around and throw himself on Remus' small office sofa. "Remind
me again why I work with teenagers."

Remus rolled up the parchment he was working on and placed it on what Severus figured was
his graded pile. Severus suddenly heard squealing and splashing and turned to see a hideous
creature that resembled a rat with tentacles on its back in a tank with a few inches of it filled
with water and rocks, it was sitting on the wide window ledge underneath the sunlight, near
Remus' guitar.
"Bloody hell, what is that?" Severus said with disgust causing Remus to laugh.

"It's a Murtlap. Surely you should know, Severus."

"I do, it just surprised me." Severus wrinkled his nose at the waving tentacles as the creature
started slowly licking the glass.

"I spent the better part of the morning walking around the Black Lake in search of him. It's
for my third years."

"Sounds like quite an adventure, I would've rather joined you than be stuck at the Great
Hall." Severus suddenly put a hand to his head, closing his eyes just a bit. The bright sunlight
seeping in was making his headache worse.

"I take it that the Apparition lesson didn't go so well?" Remus said, getting up from his desk
to join Severus on the sofa. His warm smile had become a look of concern. "Tea?"

"Yes, please…with a Headache Potion, a strong dose of it," Severus groaned with his eyes
still closed, now massaging his temples.

The lanterns were suddenly dimmed in the office to a manageable setting that didn't trigger
the pulsating pain behind Severus' eyes. Severus could hear the soft sounds of Remus moving
around and putting the kettle over the fireplace. Closing the curtains to make the room darker.

Then when the kettle was ready, Severus heard the sound of two mugs being placed on the
wooden coffee table and felt a dip in the sofa, along with gentle hands lifting up his head.
Severus blinked and opened his eyes to find that Remus had sat beside him, cradling his head
in his lap, his fingers gently massaging into Severus' scalp. He took a deep sigh of relief and
closed his eyes again. He was already feeling loads better, maybe he just needed to be with
his werewolf.

"We could've finished quicker if they would've just shut-up," Severus complained. "Also, it's
always a disaster having about fifty students in one room learning the basics of Apparition,
bloody teenagers don't listen!" And Severus revealed all of his frustrations about the day to
Remus who listened with an understanding nod of his head and winced at the accidents that
had happened.

"That does sound awful, I'm so sorry, dear," Remus said.

Now that he was done speaking, Severus let out a sigh of relief, thoroughly enjoying the
comfort provided by Remus.

"If you weren't a professor, Severus, what would you have been instead? What even made
you start working at Hogwarts if you don't like teenagers?"

"Hmm… No one's ever asked me that before…"

Severus thought about Remus' question for a few moments, still enjoying the rhythmic
pressure on his scalp. His headache was slightly going away to Severus' relief and he was
glad of it because now he could think again, think about his answer….
"I think I would've been better suited to researching and creating my own potions, just like
what my mother used to do… Perhaps, even write a book on my experiments and research.
It's the job of a true Potions Master… And my main project would be the Wolfsbane Potion."

"The Wolfsbane Potion?" Remus asked with surprise.

"Yes, I want to improve it, even try to cure Lycanthropy one day. And I know that's an
impossible dream, but there aren't any limits to what you can dream of doing, aren't there?"

"Severus Snape, the dreamer," Remus said with such amusement and warmth as he continued
to massage Severus' head. It lit a fire in Severus' soul to hear Remus speak of him that way.
No one had ever seen him as anything more than a Death Eater, a dungeon bat and a least
favorite professor.

A dreamer… Severus had certainly never thought of himself as one either.

"And why are you a professor?" Remus asked.

And the question didn't sound rude or condescending at all. Like most of his students or
colleagues who had asked Severus that same question many times over in the past sixteen
years, mostly after Severus was caught acting too harshly and mean or was showing the
tiniest amount of patience with a student. Remus just genuinely wanted to know the answer,
and so Severus decided to just give it to him.

"Albus," Severus sighed. "After I had unintentionally set the Dark Lord to the Potters, after
Lily died…after I found her… I went straight to Albus. I needed to pay for what I've done
and I begged him to kill me or turn me into Azkaban, but he had a different plan for me. He
had me take the post of Potions Professor to keep a close eye on me, and when the time
came, when the Dark Lord began to show signs of returning, I had to take back my old
position as the Dark Lord's favorite Death Eater and become Albus' spy."

"He trapped you," Remus said.

"Yes and I let him because at the time, I had felt so wretched with myself for what I've done,
Remus. You have no idea what it feels like to betray your friends that way. It just goes to
show how soulless Peter Pettigrew really is."

Severus felt Remus stiffen a bit at Severus' mention of the rat who'd betrayed him and his
best friends.

"He was the one who killed Lily and James that night, not you."

"I know that now and I'm coming to terms with it, but during that time, I just wanted to die,
Remus. I wanted to die, but then I started to feel like that was too easy of a punishment, it
didn't equally measure up to the crime I've committed. I wanted the dementor's kiss. I wanted
them to suck away my soul and just leave me as an empty shell, because that is what I had
felt when I saw her lying there…"
Severus' voice shook, Remus brushed the hair away from Severus' face, tucking it behind his
ear, not saying a word, yet encouraging Severus to go on with his touch.

"When Lily died, she took me with her. I begged Albus to arrange it, but he wouldn't allow
that. He had a different plan for me and so I gave my soul to him… He was the dementor and
I the criminal... And I let him use me to fight in the war without question… It's all for Lily,
because she believed in Albus, his cause was her cause and plus, I was aiding in keeping
Harry safe. It's what she would have wanted me to do, I know it with my very being. And
yes, sometimes I make it known to everyone that I hate being a professor, that I hate being
trapped into doing Albus' heavy work, but someone has to do it, someone has to gather the
inside information that's pulling us through the war. Because of my position, Albus and I
have been able to save a lot of deaths from happening... It's the only way I can live with
myself."

It was silent after that. Severus knew Remus was thinking about what he'd said, and Severus
let him.

"I think you've suffered enough," Remus finally said, breaking the silence. "Severus, I think
Lily might have forgiven you for what had happened. It wasn't intentional. When you told
that prophecy to Voldemort, you didn't know it was going to lead to her. And you've taken in
Harry, you love him as much as a son… That is all she would've wanted in return."

"I know…" Severus said softly, feeling his heart twinge from the very old grief in his heart
for his best friend.

"But you haven't forgiven yourself yet," Remus said. It didn't sound like a question.

"I don't think I ever will, just like you with Kaylie…"

Severus felt Remus tensing again, his rhythmic massage pausing, "You're right, I've accepted
her death as something I couldn't prevent but…"

"Yeah…" Severus said to break the heavy silence that followed after Remus' words. He
hasn't forgiven himself for it either….

"Yeah," Remus echoed back with a sigh. "Maybe, once the war is over and we miraculously
make it through, then maybe you can start to forgive yourself and you can finally free
yourself from Hogwarts and Dumbledore and just do what you've always wanted to do…take
back your life."

There was no way that was ever going to happen. A life after the war…an impossible dream
that Severus would never be able to live.

"Enough about me now, wolf. What about you? Is teaching the only thing you've ever wanted
to do?"

"Teaching is the only thing I've ever pictured myself doing. Nothing else ever really interests
me."
"You do have the gift and patience I've never possessed that is required for the field. You
really know how to capture a class's attention without having to work for it."

"Well, I think you're a good professor, you have strengths."

Severus snorted at that. "You're just flattering me now. If you were at the Apparition lessons,
you wouldn't be saying that… It was truly a disaster and I've lost my temper with a few
students… And then Harry…" Severus was suddenly reminded of his son's behavior, causing
him to groan, "Harry had to choose to sit right behind Draco. I know he did it to eavesdrop on
whatever Draco was talking about to Crabbe and Goyle. I'm thinking Harry might've
overheard something about Draco performing his task, the way he and his friends walked out
of the hall after… I know it's in the castle, I just have to find out where."

"Does your head feel better," Remus suddenly asked.

"Much better," Severus answered.

"How about you try some of that tea now."

Severus opened his eyes, the dim lighting in the room was comforting. He sat up and Remus
gave him the cooled tea that was waiting for him on the coffee table.

Severus took a sip of the tea, instantly feeling loads better. Remus watched him, his hazel
eyes furrowed with thought.

"Severus, I need the map. If you say Draco is working on his task in the castle… He's going
somewhere to do it and if Harry had heard something about it, that means he's going to be
glued to the map until he figures it out. Harry told me months ago that Draco has been
disappearing off of it. That map is perfect. It's my greatest achievement, so it's definitely not
the map that is failing. It is something Draco is doing and I need to figure it out before Harry
does."

"Don't worry, I'll get it to you."

Suddenly, a loud squealing interrupted them, causing Severus to flinch and spill some of the
tea on himself. Severus gasped, and they whipped around to the source of the noise to find
the ugly little creature baring its teeth at them, its tentacles pressed against the glass of its
tank.

"For fuck's sake! I forgot that thing was in the room," Severus snapped, causing Remus to
laugh.

The morning of the full–moon finally setting landed on Valentine's day, and like how all the
other days before it were, it was cold and wet. It had rained and stormed throughout the night.
Severus hadn't been able to sleep at all, knowing Remus as a wolf was in the shack that was
in no way proper shelter for such a storm. And Severus could tell Remus was tired of it as
much as Severus was, even more than Severus was, to be doing his changes in the shack, but
it was the only requirement by the school board and parents who allowed him to teach
without any complaints.

He paced his quarters all night, his thoughts on his Animagus Potion. Every morning and
every night, sunrise and sunset, Severus without fail had managed to do the incantation, but
he hadn't been able to feel a second heartbeat. It was such a disappointment, that Severus
longed for a glass of red wine to smother it out, but he always remembered the promise he'd
made to Remus. No more drinking for both of them.

Severus and Madam Pomfrey found Remus curled up on the broken bed soaked to the bone.
The storm had finally stopped, but the clouds were still heavy and dark and the cabin was
damp and so bone-chilling cold, that Severus worried about Remus getting sick again.

Severus wasted no time in casting a warming and drying charm on him and bundling up
Remus with his heavy robes and carrying him out of the shack and back into the castle.
Madam Pomfrey walked on ahead to make sure there were no wandering students out of bed
so early in the morning. They took Remus back up to his quarters. Severus laid him in his
bed, covering him up with multiple blankets and quickly lighting a fire. He then left Madam
Pomfrey to check on Remus with her diagnostic scans so he could work on some broth with
some healing potions in it.

Thankfully there were no serious injuries this time, just like the full-moon in January. Once
Madam Pomfrey left, Severus crawled into bed and pulled an exhausted and still shivering
Remus close to him, offering him Severus' body heat and Remus fell into an uneasy and
nightmare-ridden sleep.

Severus stayed up. He never went back to sleep, only holding Remus and rubbing his back
whenever he cried out from his nightmares, soothing him to go back to sleep. A few hours
later, when the sun began to peak through the overcast clouds, Severus gently got up from the
bed and closed the curtains.

Severus knelt down to Remus who began to stir, pushing a lock of hair away from his pale
face. "I'm going to my quarters to get ready for the day. Where are your lesson plans?"

"On my desk in my office," Remus muttered with his eyes closed.

Severus bent down and kissed him on the cheek. Remus stiffened. Severus sighed. The after
full-moon depression was beginning.

"I'll be back to check on you during lunch. I left a pot of broth on your stove if you get
hungry."

There was no answer. Remus just bundled himself deeper into the covers.

With a heavy heart full of worry for his werewolf, Severus went into Remus' office. He found
the lesson plans for the day stacked neatly on the desk, along with everything Severus would
need for them. Today there were four classes, the first through fourth years. Severus flipped
through the parchment, seeing his name on top of the third and fourth years.
Glancing over at the squealing Murtlap, Severus sneered with disgust, "Looks like you're
with me."

As if it were answering him back, the creature pressed its tongue to the glass. Severus
wrinkled his nose at it and turned his attention back to the lesson plans. He saw that Professor
Vector's name was on the pages for the first and second years. And Severus knew he had
nothing to worry about something going on between Professor Vector and Remus, but it still
made his mood plummet even further down, remembering the few times he'd seen them
together at the staff table, the teacher's lounge and the corridors. Vector always seemed to
make it a point to speak to Remus, always causing him to shyly blush.

The idiot's crushing on Remus, Severus scowled to himself at the realization.

He was now entering the Great Hall, right away spotting the fair professor who was talking to
Professor Sinistra. Vector probably personally offered to Remus to take over his classes for
the next two days. Severus forced himself to go to the Arithmancy Professor, forcing his
facial expressions to remain neutral and threw the lesson plans ment for him in front of his
plate, startling Vector out of his conversation with Professor Sinistra. They both looked up.

"Your lesson plans from Professor Lupin," Severus drawled, ready to walk away.

"Oh, excuse me, Aurora." Vector bowed his head to the Astronomy Professor. Severus
walked away, not wanting anything to do with the fair and handsome Professor Vector. He
was quite a catch… Severus realized, and that annoyed him immensely. He hated him!

"Snape! Snape, wait up one second."

Severus rolled his eyes, stormed off and took his usual seat, trying not to let Remus' empty
one beside him bother him.

"What do you want, Vector," Severus asked with zero interest in his voice as he poured
himself some coffee.

"Remus…"

Severus slammed the coffee kettle down as Vector comfortably used Remus' first name. So,
they were on a first name basis? When the fuck did that happen? Severus hadn't really seen
them together too much, they didn't really hang out, only speaking if they found each other in
the same room.

"You're the one that helps Madam Pomfrey with Remus' changes, how is doing?"

"He is fine. He's sleeping it off and should be back in the next couple of days," Severus
answered in a clipped voice, giving off every signal that he wanted the professor gone.

"I'm glad then, no serious injuries this time?"

"It's none of your concern," Severus said, flipping over the lesson plans Remus had left for
him, his eyes focused on the parchment.
"Who are you to decide that? I care for him and therefore it is my business."

Severus shot his eyes back up at the Arithmancy Professor. His blue eyes were staring him
down, Severus met them with a greater intensity.

"Excuse me, but who the fuck are you?" Severus snarled.

"I'm his friend."

Severus snorted, "You're an acquaintance. And only to get you to bug off, like I said, he's
fine."

"Can you just do me one favor then?"

Severus rolled his eyes.

"Give this to him for me?"

It was a note. Severus wanted to crumple it up and throw it back at him, but no one was
supposed to know about him and Remus being together, so in a sense Vector was free to go
crushing after Remus and it would look very strange to him for Severus to be getting upset
over it. So he took the note, stuffing it in the pockets of his robes without sparing a glance at
it.

"I'll make sure he does if you give me the courtesy of leaving me alone."

"Will do, thank you, Snape."

Severus just scowled and drank his coffee. The Arithmancy Professor finally left and Severus
examined the state of the Great Hall.

The decorations in the hall were ghastly with pink and red paper hearts everywhere with tiny
little cupids or they looked like cupids, Severus wasn't sure what they actually were. The
winged creatures were flying around the hall showering unsuspecting students and professors
with glitter and confetti.

If Remus were here, they would've been whispering together, cracking jokes at the state of
the hall and the way some of the dating drama amongst the students was visible from the staff
table. Pansy Parkinson was all over Draco who looked thoroughly annoyed. She had red
roses on the table beside her plate. Severus was sure Draco had given them to her because he
was expected to do it. Granger was sitting with Harry, who kept shooting glances at Ginny
Weasley and Dean Thomas who were sitting together, clearly arguing. Lavender Brown was
all over Ronald Weasley, it was disgusting and it was clear that Granger was thinking the
same thing by the way she kept glowering at them. Severus rolled his eyes and sipped at his
coffee, going back to the very thorough lesson plans Remus had left for him.

Once he was done looking over them and started to eat his breakfast, Severus couldn't help
but worry over Remus. Before he left Remus to sleep in his quarters, it was very clear that his
full-moon depression was settling in, and Severus began to think of ways to pull Remus back
up from it before he sunk so far down into his own darkness… Also, Remus had been doing
very well to not drink anymore. Severus didn't want him to have another relapse like the one
in December… Severus was always afraid of another one happening after each full-moon….

Severus picked up his coffee mug, about to refill it when he noticed that confetti had fallen
into it. He slammed it down hard and stood up, gathering his things and left the staff table,
ignoring the cautious looks between the other professors. He stormed through the student
tables, his black robes billowing around his feet. His mood was becoming more and more
rotten, Severus could feel it closing in on himself.

Suddenly, Severus stopped as he passed the Gryffindor table. He had just passed Harry who
hadn't noticed Severus walking past him and that was because his eyes were glued to the
Marauder's Map on his lap. His plate remained untouched in front of him.

Remus had been right about Harry becoming glued to the map, meaning he had heard
something suspicious from Draco during the Apparition lesson.

Now, ever since that day, every time Severus saw Harry in the Great Hall or walking in the
corridors or hanging around outside in the courtyard with his friends, his eyes were always on
that blasted map. Harry had even taken it so far to the point that everyday during lessons, he
would excuse himself to use the restroom more often than normal. Severus knew it was only
an excuse to catch whatever Draco was up to.

During their most recent mental-health check dinner which was just last friday, Harry had the
bold audacity to eat while hiding the map on his lap, leading Severus to snap out, "No maps
at the table!" Harry was forced to put it away, and Severus told him the next time that
happened, he was going to take it away.

And that was exactly what Severus was waiting for, so he could get the map out of his son's
tight grasp without seeming like he wanted it for something other than just simply taking it
away. Severus knew Harry, he knew he was going to defy Severus' order once his back was
turned.

And remembering how just before the full-moon, when Severus had walked Remus to the
shack, he had reminded Severus again that he needed it before Harry found out where Draco
was going.

Now was his chance….

"Potter, map, now," was all Severus said as he held out his hand.

Harry turned around and glared at Severus. And for a moment it was as if they were back to
hating each other. The Gryffindors that were near them all stopped chattering and were silent,
watching them.

Severus made sure to fix Harry with his special cold glare that he used to only have reserved
for Harry before they grew to know each other.

"Give it here, remember what I said," Severus said with a nasty tone.
Harry sighed with defeat and gave it to him, and Severus knew this was going to earn him a
very dramatic argument between them later. He rolled it up and stuffed it into his robes
besides Vector's note.

"Eat your breakfast," Severus said to his son, before storming out of the Great Hall.

And of course Severus hadn't seen or heard from Harry since that morning. At least he didn't
have to worry about having the sixth year lessons today, but he would have them tomorrow.
And he would have to deal with the consequences of taking the map from Harry so coldly
and full of his old hatred towards him without even a wink like they had agreed to show
Harry that he was acting. Severus had forgotten due to his rotten mood that morning. But he'll
deal with that later….

During lunch Severus had checked in on Remus as promised, but he was met with the same
behavior from the morning. He wouldn't eat the broth Severus had made for him, and he'd
made it clear that he wanted to be left alone, cringing away from Severus' touch. So, Severus
just gave him what he wanted, space, and he didn't bother to check on Remus anymore, even
during dinner.

Severus sat at the Great Hall alone and in a rotten mood still, eating his food slowly and
hardly even tasting it… Glancing around at the ugly decorations in the Great Hall, then
staring up at the starry ceiling with its hovering candles, Severus suddenly had an idea but it
would only work if Remus was up to cooperating… It wouldn't hurt to try… Severus thought.
Maybe by now he's come around… The idea Severus had wasn't much either, but he just
wanted to do something that could help pull Remus out of his depression. He just wanted a
smile out of him….

Praying that he'll find Remus in a better state than before, Severus waited till midnight to go
and collect him. And to his immense relief, he found Remus awake in his bed, the lantern lit,
and he was reading. Severus was surprised to see it was the book he had given him, the blue
one with the wolf on its cover.

"How many times have you read that book?" Severus asked as he entered the room, praying
Remus wouldn't cringe away from him.

And he didn't… Severus let out a breath he hadn't known he was holding.

"This is my third time," Remus said, his eyes still on the passage he was reading and once he
was done he marked his spot and closed the book, placing it on his night table. As he did that,
Severus quickly scanned the room for any signs of drinking. Any hidden empty bottles, any
scent of alcohol… And again to his relief, there wasn't.

Severus did notice a small bowl of finished broth sitting on the night table as well and he
inwardly sighed again with relief at seeing that Remus had finally managed to eat something.
He sat at the edge of the bed near Remus' feet, quietly observing him. He looked much better,
the depression wasn't clouding his golden eyes so much, yet it was still there. The color was
back in his cheeks. He seemed to be a bit more well-rested and he seemed very glad of
Severus' company this time, not shying away or flinching from his touch. Maybe this full-
moon won't be so bad after all….
"Why do you like it so much?" Severus asked, hiding the shaking relief in his voice of Remus
finally seeming like himself again.

Remus shrugged with a crooked and shy smile. "It reminds me of you." And even though
Remus seemed so much better, even though he finally graced Severus with a smile, it didn't
reach his eyes. The depression was still over him, but Severus could see that Remus was
fighting through it.

The answer surprised Severus and it came out in his voice, "Really?"

"Falling in love and bravely choosing to walk away from a path that people made you believe
you were destined to walk. It's like you and Lily and with her loss, you finally realizing that
you weren't meant to be on the side of darkness and power. You were meant to be here with
us fighting for the light. And you bravely turned them away… Plus, this was the first gift
you've ever given me. We were just friends and you just thought of me and wanted to do
something nice. It's one of the reasons why I wanted to kiss you that day."

"That was the only reason?" Severus teased, yet his mind was mulling over what Remus was
saying. Sometimes he felt like he was chasing the light instead of fighting for it more often
than not.

"There was more… You were being irresistibly cute that day."

Severus snorted at that. "Me, irresistible? Now, that's a laugh."

No one's ever called Severus that before. He always just received looks of disgust and was
made fun of for his greasy hair and large nose, the way he resembled a bat in his dark robes.
He wasn't easy on the eyes, Severus knew that and long ago accepted that. But when Remus
called him those things, irresistible and cute. He believed him. Remus made him feel all of
those things and more.

"You don't believe me, Severus Snape, but you are far from the boy I knew in high school.
You're quite a catch now."

Severus snorted a bit more loudly at that. "Stop flattering me," he teased.

Remus only shrugged with a small smile that didn't reach his eyes at all. That wasn't the
smile Severus was searching for. During their little bit of flirting, it was easy for Severus to
pretend as if Remus hadn't spent the morning sleeping and plagued with nightmares and
begging to be left alone, refusing to eat, refusing Severus' comfort… But that small smile
brought it all back, reminding Severus of why he was in Remus' quarters at midnight.

"I have something to show you, can you walk?"

"Severus, it's midnight."

"I know, but when has that ever stopped you before, Moony?"

And Remus smiled again, a bit bigger this time and full of wistful mischief that chased away
the lingering depression for just a moment. Seeing that, Severus' terrible mood instantly
evaporated. It was all he wanted out of his plan, and he knew the smile was because of
Remus remembering all of his rule-breaking and night time wanderings around the castle
with his best friends. The people Severus hated the most…

I'll take what I can get…

By the time they got to the foot of the spiraling staircase that led up to the Astronomy tower,
Remus was leaning heavily on his cane. Severus frowned, thinking this might have been a
bad idea. Overexertion wouldn't do and he was sure Madam Pomfrey would somehow hear
of this.

"Can you make it up the stairs?" Severus asked worriedly.

Remus stubbornly nodded, pulling himself up on the first few steps. Severus followed just
behind him, ready to catch the werewolf if he should stumble.

Suddenly halfway, Remus stopped, his body trembling. Severus didn't say anything, just
stood behind him, letting him rest. He knew how stubborn and prideful Remus could be when
it came to showing physical weakness after a full-moon. Severus placed a hand on the small
of Remus' back. He was wearing his green sweater over his pajama pants. The fabric was soft
and warm, Severus could feel Remus taking deep struggling breaths.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have made you come all the way up here. This was stupid, let's just go
back down," Severus suggested.

"No, I want to see your surprise," Remus insisted. "Just carry me."

"Are you sure?"

"It's not like you haven't done it before," Remus pointed out.

"Okay, hold on to your cane," Severus said. He lifted Remus up, cradling him close to his
chest. Severus looked down at Remus and planted a soft kiss on his nose. "I think this is a bit
more romantic, don't you think?"

"Severus, are you also a romantic?" Remus chuckled as he wrapped an arm around his neck
to hold on. "Every moment I spend with you, I keep learning new things about you."

"Just don't bloody tell anyone. I wouldn't be able to stand the humiliation of it," Severus said
as he climbed up the stairs. "I need to keep my reputation up of being the meanest professor
at Hogwarts."

"Don't worry, your secret is kept safe with me," Remus promised.

As soon as they got to the top, Severus turned so that Remus was able to see what he had
done for him. "Look over on that ledge."
Remus did as he was instructed. Severus stared down at him, waiting to see his reaction light
up on his face.

"Oh, Severus…" Remus said, with a bright smile and his eyes seemed to shine a bit more
with unshed tears. That was the smile Severus was after… That beautiful smile….

On a spot of the ledge where they were meant to sit, there was a bluebell jar and a bottle of
cider with two wine glasses. Near the small set up was a bunch of flickering candles. It was
simple yet romantic. Severus really never thought of himself as a romantic before, he guessed
Remus just brought it out of him.

Severus gently let Remus down, who kissed him lovingly on the cheek. "My hero," he teased,
earning himself a mock glare from Severus. He then hobbled over to the ledge with his cane,
the flickering candles reflecting in those eyes, hazel eyes that were flecked with gold. They
were more beautiful than the stars above.

"Severus, this is so wonderful… You really didn't have to do this… I never cared much for
Valentine's Day."

"I don't care for it either. This isn't really for that nuisance of a holiday, it's more for cheering
you up. You've had a rough full-moon."

"Yes, but I've had worse."

"Come on, let's take a seat."

They both sat besides each other on the ledge with their feet dangling. The bluebell jar
between them was giving off its warmth to them, warding away the cold damp breeze.
Severus picked up the bottle and poured the sparkling cider into the two wine glasses, then
handed one to Remus.

"It's non-alcoholic cider," Severus said when Remus took the offered glass with a raised
eyebrow.

Remus smiled, "You've thought of everything."

"What can I say, I'm a romantic."

Remus chuckled at that. "Who knew?"

They clinked their glasses together and each took a sip. Severus watched Remus enjoy the
sweet sparkling cider as he gazed up at the starry sky.

"I see now why you like sitting up here," Severus said, moving his gaze away from Remus
and up at the sky. "It's just nothing but the skies and the stars, nothing else… A perfect place
to think about things, to dream…"

"You're right, love. And I'm willing to share it with you… Oh, look, a shooting star, make a
wish, Severus, quickly."
Severus caught the flash of white, then reached over and held Remus' hand. He closed his
eyes and wished for them to be like this forever… No forced betrayals tearing them apart, no
full-moon depressions… Just sitting on this ledge, drinking sparkling cider, gazing at the
stars… Holding hands… Hearing his voice… Severus felt his heart ache at the
impossibleness of it, but that was what a wish was for, wasn't it? Wishing for things that
could never happen?

Severus opened his eyes to find Remus gazing at him, then gave Severus one of his sweetest
smiles as he leant over and placed a soft and gentle kiss on his lips.

"Was it a good wish?"

Severus nodded, then suddenly remembered the Marauder's Map still in the pocket of his
robes. "Oh, before I forget…" He reached into his pocket and pulled out the map, handing it
over to Remus.

"You've managed to get it away from Harry?" Remus said with surprise as he took it and
opened it with a tap of his wand. "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good."

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure Harry wants nothing to do with me now." Severus watched as the
parchment began to reveal the mazes of corridors in the castle.

"Ah…well… Parenting isn't always going to be sunshine and rainbows. He'll get over it."

"I've tried using that and it still wouldn't open for me, it kept giving me insults," Severus said
referring to the map.

"There's a special warding charm on it specifically for you. The only way you can look at it is
if it's already been opened."

"That's nice," Severus said with sarcasm.

"Sorry, love… It was Sirius' idea if it helps you feel any better."

Severus rolled his eyes. "Bloody Sirius Black."

Remus frowned down at the parchment. "Draco is in bed right now." He closed it up.
"Mischief managed… I'll take a look at it again later…"

"I have one more thing for you," Severus said. He forced himself to take out the note from
Vector. He didn't want to give it to Remus, but Severus knew that it would be wrong of him
to keep it from Remus who had every right to accept a letter from a friend.

Remus took the letter with curiosity, then chuckled when he learned who it was from. "It's
from Vector." Remus opened it up and began to read it. Severus fought with himself to not
look over and see what it said.

"You don't call him by his first name?"

"He doesn't like his first name much, prefers to go by Vector. Just like how Tonks is… It's
what led them to being friends… The shared trauma of having a horrid first name, according
to them… I think Nymphadora is a lovely name, but does Tonks ever listen to me? No, of
course not."

"What's Vector's name?"

"Septimus," Remus said, causing Severus to laugh.

"That can't just be a coincidence that the Arithmancy Professor's first name means the
number seven."

Remus shrugged, "I mean… My name is Remus…"

And Severus realized what Remus meant without delving too far into it. The story of
Romulus and Remus, twin wolf brothers…the story of how Rome came to be.

Severus laughed loudly at that, his voice echoing in the quiet open air with only the stars to
hear him. Remus laughed along with him.

Then when their laughter subsided, Remus folded up the parchment and tucked it into the
pocket of his jeans. He picked up his cider and sipped at it.

"So what did Vector want?" Severus bravely asked, his curiosity of the note won over his
reasons to not ask so that he wouldn't appear jealous. But of course he was bloody jealous.

"He just hoped I was doing okay and when I felt up to it, if I fancied a drink with him and
Tonks at the Three Broomsticks. We haven't all hung out together in a long while."

"I didn't even know you hung out with him."

"It's not like that, Severus, we're just friends. It was only once or twice during the beginning
of the school year."

"I know…"

"You're always invited to join us."

Severus shook his head with disgust and took a sip of his cider.

He caught Remus rolling his eyes with exasperation, his eyes turning back to the stars,
holding his glass of cider in his hands.

"Remus, can we talk about the depression you always fall under during the full-moon?"

Remus kept his eyes on the heavens, swallowing as he took in Severus' question. His Adam's
Apple bobbing up then down. And Severus wondered what it was he was thinking about. He
didn't say anymore, silently waiting for Remus to respond. The question hung heavily in the
cold air between them.
"I apologize for the way I get…" Remus said quietly. "Was I bad today? I'm afraid I don't
remember much of it, it's all sort of foggy."

"There is no need to apologize, that's not why I'm bringing it up. I'm just worried for you."

"I'm sorry," Remus' voice cracked, now looking straight ahead.

"Remus…" Severus sighed, watching him, waiting for him to say something. "Please…talk
to me, don't close yourself up like that from me."

Remus took a deep breath, looking down at his lap, at the cider in his hands, then to Severus.
His pain and depression was so very clear in Remus' golden-flecked eyes, it almost took
Severus' breath away, but he forced himself to remain calm.

"The full-moon…" Remus said with a shaky voice. "It's a big trigger, it traps me back into
that cellar and a part of me knows that I'm not really there, but my body and my mind, it
betrays me. I just can't stand being touched, it brings only pain… I can't stand being around
anyone, I only see them as Greyback and the Death Eaters that were stationed there…
Everything just comes back and I have trouble figuring out what is real and what isn't and the
nightmares…they don't help at all… It has nothing to do with you, Severus, when I push you
away. I hope you know that…"

"I do, Remus, but sometimes it is very hard… Just know that you can always talk to me about
this."

"I know…" Remus said quietly. Severus could hear in his voice how hard it was for him to
say all of that. "I'm trying…"

"And I understand that… I'm not trying to make you feel as if I'm pushing you to talk when
you don't feel ready, I just want you to know that I am here for you… I don't want you to feel
like you have to close up around me either… We're a team, okay? We'll get through this
together."

Remus reached out and linked his arm around Severus' own.

"You've been doing so much for me and I'll always be entirely grateful for it. I know you
don't want me apologizing but I really am sorry if I've caused you any hurt feelings or stress.
It's not you, okay, It's just me dealing with my shit… I love you, Severus. I love it when you
touch me and hold me… It's just…" Remus sighed and he didn't say anymore, he seemed to
be stuck with trying to get out what he was trying to say.

"Can you tell me about your nightmares? They seemed pretty bad this morning."

Remus looked at Severus with wide fearful eyes, shaking his head.

"Come on, darling…" Severus sighed with a bit of frustration mixed with understanding. He
pulled Remus closer to him, wrapping an arm around his waist. He moved the bluebell jar
away so it wouldn't get stuck between them.
"I can tell you about the ones with the black wolf," Remus whispered as he laid his head on
Severus' shoulder, his body shaking against Severus.

As an answer, Severus placed a kiss on his temple.

"I thought that with me accepting that it wasn't my fault Kaylie died, with her appearing in
my dreams, they would stop, but they haven't… I'm still running up that hill, Severus, but this
time Kaylie is beside me and the light, it's so bright, so close, just out of reach and I can see
the silhouette of the black wolf… I can hear him calling me and I still don't know what it
means… I'm still certain it's you… But I have you in the real world… I just don't know
anymore… I don't understand… And I'm just running and running, wondering if I would ever
reach the light… What do you think this means? Why do I keep having this dream over and
over?"

"There is probably a deeper meaning to it than just accepting Kaylie's death. Next time you
dream of it, try observing what's going on around you, don't focus so much on running to
your destination. Maybe there could be clues around that may help."

Remus nodded, lifting his head from Severus' shoulder. His body was shaking harder than
ever now. "Severus, forgive me, I know you want me to open up about what happened to me,
about my nightmares and what I'm feeling during the full-moon, but I can't tonight… Can we
just talk about something else?"

Severus held Remus tighter. "Of course, baby."

They both gazed at the stars.

"Look!" Severus said, reaching out a hand to point out the constellation that his godson was
named after. "Draco." Severus gazed up at the twinkling group of stars, wondering if Draco's
future might shine as brightly as that or would it dim out?

Remus smiled and pointed out another constellation, "Andromeda!"

"Fucking Black!" Severus spat out, causing Remus to laugh as they gazed up at the dog star.

"That star kept me alive…" Remus then whispered.

And before Severus could say anything in return or encourage Remus to continue… Remus
quickly asked another question, as if what he'd said earlier had just accidentally slipped out.

"Have you ever wondered about us after the war?"

"All of the time," Severus said, his voice laced with concern. He wanted to press Remus more
about what he'd just admitted, but he decided to just let it go… Pushing him could only lead
into an argument and Severus didn't want their moment ruined. He just wanted to continue
holding Remus and listen to him prattle on about the future under the stars.

"What do you see?" Remus asked.

"Us, in our cabin in the woods. It's summer and you're on the porch swing playing with your
guitar. I'm coming up from my lab that's in the cellar. There is no longer a cage there. Harry
comes over for dinner with Ginny Weasley and their kids. Draco arrives with them… The
grandkids call him Uncle Draco…"

"Grandkids?" Remus laughed. "And Harry ends up with Ginny? You really think they'll end
up together? You've thought about this multiple times, haven't you?"

Severus shrugged. "Isn't that the point of dreaming, thinking and hoping for the impossible?"

"You truly are a dreamer, Severus Snape."

 Time Is Of The Essence

Chapter Twenty-Seven - Time Is Of The Essence

That evening Severus could hardly focus on his work, during the owl post at breakfast he had
received a message from Albus to get a move on retrieving information from Draco on his
task. The headmaster had been gone on a mission for quite a while, so the sudden message
had shocked Severus and it made him realize that his current plan of trying to get Draco to
accept his help, in hopes that he would confide in Severus of his plans for his task, was not
working. He was now forced to go about it in another way, a harsher way, and Severus was
already regretting it as he began to mentally plan it out throughout the day.

The message from Albus and his plans for Draco was not the only thing that was distracting
Severus from his work, it was also the Potions lesson he held today for his sixth years.

Severus had spared one glance at Harry walking into the classroom with his friends and by
the annoyed and hurt look on his face when he caught Severus' eye from across the room,
Severus knew Harry was still upset with him for taking the map away. Severus had held him
back after the lesson, but Harry wouldn't speak to him, just gave him short and clipped
answers to Severus' questions, avoiding his gaze, and of course they had ended up arguing.
Severus told Harry he could be angry at him all he wanted, but he wasn't feeling guilty
whatsoever in taking the map away. He had given Harry an order, no maps at the table, and
Harry disobeyed and that was that. Remus was right, parenting wasn't always just going to be
sunshines and rainbows… However, Severus did manage to be successful in getting Harry to
promise that he would show up for dinner for Friday's mental health check. Severus had even
promised Harry that they could reevaluate the situation again on the map. That had melted
the ice a bit between them at least.

Now with Severus' thoughts full of Harry and his bloody obsession with watching Draco on
the Marauder's Map, the words on the essay he was meant to be reading began to swim
before him, making Severus feel that if he had to read one more atrocious essay on poisons
and antidotes, he was going to set the whole bloody pile of student scrolls on fire. It was
tempting, so very tempting, but instead Severus gave up reading it and wrote a large red D at
the top left corner. He looked to see who's essay it was…

Ah, Weasley's… Figures… Severus thought with annoyance. How the fuck did that brat make
it into his N.E.W.T class was still a mystery to him.

He rolled up the scroll and placed it on the pile then left his office, making his way out of the
dungeons and up several flights of stairs to the Defense wing

After a very, very long day of lessons and grading, it was finally time for Severus' favorite
part of the day, making his annoyance at Weasley and the essays, his worries of Draco and
Harry, and anger and annoyance at Albus and his message, all fade away.

During the months that followed after the Christmas break ended, Severus and Remus had
fallen into a sort of routine, making it a point to visit each other for a nightcap and a chat
before bed, no matter how late the evening grew. Then they would both retire to bed together
depending on who was the last one finished with their work, that was the living quarters they
would end up at.

Severus found Remus in his office, sitting on the large windowsill. His back was against the
wooden frame and his side was pressed up against the glass. The Marauder's Map was open
on his lap. Remus was studying it so intensively that Severus wasn't even sure if Remus had
noticed his arrival.

But as Severus made his way over to him, Remus sat up and crossed his legs, making just
enough space for Severus to sit across from him. He then leant over and gave Severus a
distracted kiss on the lips without taking his eyes off the map, showing Severus that he had in
fact noticed him entering the office.

Not wanting to interrupt him from his work, Severus only watched Remus for a while,
admiring the way his hazel eyes scanned over the map, the way his forehead was creased
with concentration. His furrowed brow, and the way Remus kept worrying his bottom lip and
muttering to himself as he prodded the map every few seconds.

Remus had taken off his outer robes and left them hanging over his desk chair, leaving him in
his brown pants, a white shirt and brown vest with a dark blue tie tucked in. The sleeves of
his shirt were rolled up to his elbows, and Severus admired the way the vest showed off his
thin figure. Remus' golden hair was also a bit of a mess from most likely running a hand
through it with frustration several times. Severus couldn't help but admire how adorable and
mad Remus was looking at the exact same time in that very moment, causing Severus to
smile endearingly as he watched him.

"What are you smiling at?" Remus asked when he finally looked up at Severus with a smile
of his own and a soft look in those hazel eyes only meant for Severus. That beautiful smile,
the way Remus spoke to Severus, looked at him, as if he were the brightest thing in the room.
It all caused Severus' breath to hitch a bit. Severus, who was known to be the most powerful
and most loyal servant to the Dark Lord among the Death Eaters… Far from something
bright, but dark and ugly and something to be feared… They would never know that just one
look like that from Remus Lupin had Severus melting into a puddle.

"Have you figured anything out yet?" Severus managed to ask.

"Draco has disappeared three times today and it happens everytime he goes onto the seventh
floor…"

Remus looked back down at the map, prodding it again with his wand, muttering a few more
incantations. He began to worry his bottom lip again until Severus reached over and softly
placed his thumb on those pink lips to stop him.

Remus looked at Severus again with a questioning look. "What is on the seventh floor that
can make you leave the school grounds? There's none of those secret tunnels… I mean most
of them are unusable anyway, except for the one-eyed witch that leads to Honeydukes, but
something is telling me that Draco isn't using that."
"There's the headmaster's office…" Severus started to list everything on the seventh floor for
him, hopefully a verbal list would help Remus get a brain wave. "The staircase to the
Astronomy tower, the Room of Requirement…"

Remus suddenly gasped out with clarity and shock. "Merlin! Severus! Oh! I'm so bloody
dimwitted!"

"You're very far from dimwitted, darling, believe me on that," Severus said with a small huff
of amusement mixed with curiosity of what was going on in that brilliant head of his.

"Severus!" Remus spoke over him, still full of shock and clarity and not at all hearing
Severus speak during his sudden epiphany. "Draco is using the Room of Requirement! That's
an unknowable room, that is why I've made the user of the room unplottable as soon as they
step inside of it! There is nothing wrong with the map, it's the room! How could I have
forgotten that?! Whatever Draco is doing, it's in there!"

Remus turned the map towards Severus, his hazel eyes searching… "And look!" He pointed
to a corridor on the seventh floor that seemed to have nothing at all.

Severus furrowed his eyebrows at Remus, then stared down at the map. Draco was of course
nowhere in sight, but near that empty corridor was Crabbe and Goyle, and they were pacing.

All Severus could do was gape at the small dots, then he looked at Remus. "Remus! You're so
fucking brilliant! I could just kiss you!"

Remus gave Severus a small laugh in return, "Please do, I've been working hard on this all
day between lessons." His voice was suddenly tinged with exhaustion.

Severus frowned at that, reaching over and cupping the side of Remus' face. "You do look
exhausted… I wish you would have agreed to take the extra day off and then you would've
had more time to figure out the map." It had only been two days since the full-moon. Just
after one full day of rest, Remus had determinedly gone back to work.

Remus huffed at that. "Only for me to figure this out earlier, then just sit around and wallow
in my depression for the rest of the day? I think not, my love."

Severus peered into Remus' hazel eyes as he spoke, noticing the pain swirling around in
them, and Severus knew that even though Remus seemed okay right now, even though this
full-moon wasn't as bad as the previous ones, Remus was still very, very far from being
okay… He was silently drowning, silently hurting, silently trying to get through the day
without breaking down.

And Severus wanted Remus to know that he knew of the silent struggle Remus was currently
in, his silent battle with the darkness inside of him. And he wanted Remus to know that he
wasn't alone, that Severus was here to help Remus chase the darkness away with a bit of
light.

Severus pulled Remus close to him, kissing him softly and slowly, hoping Remus could feel
all of what he was thinking in his kiss, could feel how much Severus loved him and how
appreciative he was of him for figuring out how Draco was disappearing on the Marauder's
Map with such dedication.

The deep kiss left them both breathless, their foreheads leaning together as Remus whispered
against Severus' lips. His breath was warm, tickling Severus a bit… "I love you, Severus."

"I love you too, Remus," Severus whispered back, placing a hand on the back of Remus' neck
and pulling him closer, causing them to start kissing again.

Once they pulled apart after several long moments, Remus had a small upturned smile, a bit
shy, a bit dazed, but also full of love and affection for Severus. He then looked back down at
the map that was still on his lap. Severus followed his gaze to the old piece of parchment.

"Draco is still at the Room of Requirement," Remus pointed out. "You should go and catch
him, see if he leaves… Just to confirm my theory."

"There is no need for that, I completely trust you, but I will go… I need to talk to him, I need
information from him regarding his task, it's for Albus."

Remus gave him a questioning look, and Severus could practically hear his unspoken
questions as if Remus had asked them out loud.

"If you must, Severus, but please do come back. I need to tell you how my third year lesson
went with the Murtlap escaping its enclosure today," Remus said, handing Severus the map,
considerately leaving it open for him.

"Of course I'll come back, you silly wolf," Severus promised.

Severus had hidden himself in a dark alcove on the seventh floor near the Room of
Requirement waiting for Draco to finally reappear on the map. He was surprised to see two
young girls pacing the corridor, oddly both were carrying sets of very heavy-looking scales.
Severus used a bit of the dim light coming from the sconces of the alcove to check the map of
who they were, thoroughly confused because Severus was sure that before he left, there was
no one around but Crabbe and Goyle… And looking at the map, he realized those two girls
were them… They have to be using Polyjuice Potion…

And Severus suddenly remembered when Remus had almost fallen over from bumping into a
small girl carrying scales in that exact same corridor, when Remus was trying to get into the
Room of Requirement months ago. It all made sense now, why Remus couldn't get into the
room. Draco had been inside of it and either Crabbe or Goyle had been disguised as that girl,
dropping the scales to alert their presence to Draco.

To think, Draco had been using the Room of Requirement this whole time, right under their
noses! How many times has Severus been up here on this floor to Albus' office or to the
Astronomy tower while Draco was inside that room the whole time working on his task? No
wonder he refused to leave the castle during the holidays, that meant it was an object that
either couldn't be seen or it wasn't easy to hide or too large to carry around… Severus
wondered what it was he was doing in there… Was he working on some sort of weapon or a
potion to murder Albus with?

Now Severus understood why Remus was feeling dimwitted, he was certainly feeling like an
imbecile himself for not figuring out the obvious sooner. Where else would Draco
successfully hide himself while working on his task without Harry catching him right away
on the Marauder's Map? The blasted Room of Requirement of course!

Severus leant against the wall for a bit of relief from standing, he wasn't sure how long Draco
was planning on staying inside the room tonight, but he was willing to wait however long it
may take, even though he would much rather be spending the night with Remus in bed,
listening to how the ugly little creature escaped from its tank… But this conversation Severus
was preparing to have with Draco was critical. He'd been planning it all day, and he had to do
it now, now that he had Draco cornered for once… Time was of the essence… February was
quickly turning into March. That was about three months left of the school year and once
those months were up, it would mark almost a year of the deadly curse that was coursing
through Albus' veins. Severus deeply regretted that he didn't have the power to stop it, then
maybe things would have been very different.

They didn't have a lot of time left… That was what Albus had stated in his letter that morning
and Severus knew he was right.

That meant it was time for Severus to change tactics on getting Draco to reveal his task and
when and where he was going to execute it. It wouldn't do for Draco to get to Albus before
Severus did. Severus closed his eyes, shutting off his mind and began to finish up the false
memories he'd been working on throughout the day.

Then finally, finally…an hour after midnight, Severus heard the door open. He wrapped up
the last false memory and pulled himself out of his trance, straightening himself up. Before
putting it away, he quickly checked the map to see Draco heading his way. Crabbe and Goyle
were a few paces ahead of him. He quickly turned out all of the sconces in the alcove with his
wand, leaving Severus in pitch-black darkness.

The two morons passed on ahead, their footsteps echoing down the stairs until they couldn't
be heard anymore. Severus kept himself from grunting out his annoyance at them, he would
think they would try to walk more silently since they were way past curfew.

But Draco was indeed more mindful of his footsteps. He was so quiet, Severus had almost
missed him passing the alcove. Cursing under his breath, Severus drawled in his most coldest
and detached voice, stopping Draco in his tracks just before he went down the stairs, "It's past
curfew."

Severus' sudden voice that seemed to appear out of nowhere startled Draco, who had
instantly pulled out his wand, whirling around, trying to find him. And still hidden in the
darkness, Severus gave his godson a quick full-body assessment and he certainly didn't like
what he was seeing, filling him up with concern that he could never express to Draco.
Draco wasn't doing well, that much was obvious for months. His face was pale, so pale that
the dark circles under his eyes looked like purple bruises. His eyes were bloodshot from lack
of sleep or if he'd just been done crying, or maybe both. He lost a concerning amount of
weight in a short amount of time and Draco's white-blonde hair that was always so carefully
styled with hair-gel was a mess, resembling Harry's usual hairstyle. This haggard appearance
of Draco's… Severus realized it was now the norm for him. Aside from the time Draco had
spent with him and Harry during the summer, Severus couldn't remember the last time Draco
wasn't looking so exhausted or looked put-together.

And now what Severus was about to do to Draco…it was only going to cause him more
stress…

If only you'd accepted my help, godson… This is for your own good…

Severus hated what he was about to do, what he was about to say, what he was forced to
pretend to be, but he had no other choice… Draco refused to not only take Severus' help, but
to confide in him of what he was planning. Severus really thought his godson might take it,
that he could be trustworthy enough to go into hiding and have confirmation that Severus had
always been Dumbledore's spy, but it all failed and now there was no hope in that
happening… Time had run out….

Ever since the Christmas break ended, Draco stopped showing up to his detentions to make
up for all of his missing work, meaning Severus couldn't get him alone anymore. He had even
tried a few more times to talk to him after lessons were over but as soon as the bell would
ring, Draco was without fail the first student out of the classroom. Severus had even resorted
to sending him detention notices and office summons, but they were all ignored. The last
summons Draco had received was during breakfast that day. He'd only torn it up and sent
Severus an angry glare before storming out of the Great Hall. Severus had even popped into
the Slytherin common room a couple of times but Draco was never there. He's been
purposely avoiding Severus.

Severus lit up his wand with a non-verbal Lumos, finally revealing himself as he stepped out
of the alcove.

Draco instantly faced him, his wand pointing directly at Severus.

"Lower your wand," Severus ordered in a low commanding voice.

"You fucking scared the hell out me, Snape!" Draco shouted.

"A point for language and let's say…about ten points taken away from Slytherin for being out
of your dormitory way past curfew. What are you doing out here so late?"

"I don't fucking care about house points!" Draco scoffed with annoyance and defiance. "How
many times do I have to tell you to fuck off and leave me alone? I'm not going to your stupid
detentions! I don't have time to waste on bloody homework! The only reason I even go to
lessons is to keep you and the professors off my back!"
"The Room of Requirement…" Severus said with thought, stepping closer and closer towards
his godson until the tip of Draco's wand was digging into his chest. "How smart of you to
think of a perfect place to keep whatever it is you're doing in there."

"I'm not telling you anything!" Draco snarled, the hand he was holding his wand with was
shaking.

"Oh, I know that, godson, just like how I know you won't dare attack me… Lower your
wand…"

Draco didn't respond, only continued to keep his defensive stance.

"Lower your wand…" Severus said again, slowly and threateningly.

And Draco only continued to glare at him, not moving, not backing down, his wand hand still
trembling. The shadows under his eyes darker than ever, his face looking even more sickly
now that Severus was so close to him.

"I have just one question for you. Answer it, then I'll leave you to your task. No more
interfering on my part… No more detention slips… And, you can sleep during my classes
and I won't even spare you a glance."

Merlin, the boy needs sleep more than a lesson on Potions!

Draco hesitated at Severus' words, then finally drew his wand away, yet he kept his cold and
defiant glare on Severus.

"How much more time will it be until your task is complete? That way I can start making
preparations for having to flee the castle. You know the headmaster has extra guards
patrolling the castle at night. It wouldn't do for us to be caught in a duel."

Draco let his guard down for just a moment, he was completely taken aback by Severus'
question. It was clear he hadn't expected that to come out of Severus' mouth. "You're…
You're leaving with me?" he asked, his voice suddenly filled with uncertainty.

"Did you really think I could stay here once the headmaster is found dead?"

Draco didn't respond to that right away. He seemed to be weighing the consequences and
rewards of what he might choose, to speak or to be silent.

"Come on, Draco," Severus coaxed with impatience. "It's just harmless information between
us and the time can always change… I just need an estimation. Besides, why are you
suddenly so worried? It's not as if you've been exactly careful… Arguing about the task with
your friends in the Great Hall full of people… That misjudgement of yours has cost you.
Potter is on to you now, which you would have known sooner if you would have stopped
avoiding me!"

Draco scowled at that, the shadows from the flickering dimmed sconces on the wall danced
on Draco's pale face. "It was Crabbe and Goyle! They wouldn't drop it!"
"Be that as it may, be sure to take extra care to not be discovered. It would no doubt lead to
greater consequences than just Potter overhearing you…and all because of you not being able
to keep your friends' traps shut!"

"Who are you to lecture me?" Draco spat.

"Task or no task, I'm still your godfather!" Severus spat back.

Draco gave Severus a questionable look. "Why are you calling Harry by his surname? Last
time we'd spoken, you were calling him Harry… You were inviting me over for the
holidays…"

And there it was…a crack in Draco's steel mask, revealing his fear, his uncertainty, the care
and friendship he still held for Harry. And Severus wanted to break his Death Eater act right
there in that moment and convince Draco again to let him take over the task and go into
hiding, but he knew it wouldn't work. It hasn't and it wouldn't… Draco had exhausted all of
Severus' offers of help. Now if Draco needed help, he was getting the version of Severus that
was the Dark Lord's most trusted and loyal servant.

Then the crack disappeared. Draco recovered himself from his shock. He had been studying
Severus' face intensively. Severus had fixed his face to not the usual impassive mask he often
used to hide himself with or of his normal self, the version of himself Draco had grown used
to during the summer with him and Harry, but a face of hard cruelty and cunning, the face of
a Death Eater that has been in hiding for so long.

Draco's blue-gray eyes widened and Severus knew he was terrified.

He knew Draco had begun to believe that Severus wasn't loyal to the Dark Lord, that his
loyalty was to Harry and he had kept it a secret…and Draco was right, even though Severus
never confirmed it to him… But now, Severus was going to regretfully confirm that theory as
false. He was going to make Draco believe that he was very wrong to assume that… That the
whole time, Severus was really loyal to the Dark Lord all along, waiting for the right time to
reveal his true self. And Severus had to make this one-hundred percent believable to be able
to pull this off and get Draco to answer his question, to open up about the task.

With his heart aching Severus hoped that one day, when this was all over, that Draco would
forgive him for lying to him and playing these manipulative games with him. That he would
one day see that Severus was doing all of this to protect his soul.

"Did you really think I actually cared for that Potter brat? Do you remember when you told
me that you suspected my loyalties had changed to Potter? Had I actually confirmed that?
No. Potter was right to get so upset with me all those months ago, resulting in him slicing up
his arm… I had slipped…and I saved it by making him believe I had taken him in because I'd
grown fond of him and not just on Dumbledore's orders… But Potter was right…it had only
been for duty, but not for that old headmaster…no… It was all for the Dark Lord… That was
why I wanted you to keep your mouth shut about the situation of Potter living in my quarters.
I didn't want you interfering with my work. The Dark Lord knew all along about it and
ordered me to break Potter by betraying him in the worst possible way…leaving him weak
and vulnerable for him."
"No! There's no fucking way you are that good of an actor!" Draco shouted.

"It's okay, godson, don't believe me… I guess I'll just have to show you…"

Before Draco could even stop him, Severus caught his eye and said, "Legilimens!" And every
false memory that he'd been silently working on in the alcove as he waited for Draco to come
out of the Room of Requirement… Severus shoved it all towards Draco, forcing him to see
and believe everything Severus had just told him. There was no way he would be able to
deny the hard evidence now.

Once Severus released his hold, Draco stepped back with fear.

"You're really going to betray Harry like that? You're really leaving the castle with me and
leaving him behind?!" Draco gasped, his voice shaking with shock.

Severus let his eyes harden, let his mouth twist in an ugly smile. "I'll finally be free of that
brat and Albus Dumbledore. Now, how much time do we have left?"

When Draco still couldn't respond to his question, Severus gave his best intimidating glare
and annoyed scowl as he lifted up his sleeve and showed Draco his dark mark. "Show me
yours, now!"

To Severus' surprise which he didn't dare show, Draco lifted up his arm and with a trembling
hand pulled up his sleeve, showing him his forearm.

And there it was… Cold, hard evidence that Draco was already branded as a Death Eater.
Harry was right all along. The task was Draco's initiation as a new Death Eater in the Dark
Lord's circle, if he didn't succeed, he was a dead man.

"I've been waiting for you to prove to me that you can do this without betraying the Dark
Lord… You've done an excellent job, denying every single one of my offers of assistance,
knowing you cannot trust me and with the confidence that you can do it alone… You've
denied the chance to betray the Dark Lord and go into hiding, the easy way out… I applaud
you for that, Draco, and you even had the brilliant idea of using the Room of Requirement…
And for all of that, I reward you by revealing my true loyalty to the Dark Lord…"

Draco stepped back, no longer bothering to hide the fear and shock in his eyes. Severus knew
his plan was working, he knew that Draco knew he was too far in to turn away from his task
now and the only way to end this conversation between them was to answer Severus'
question.

"You have nothing to fear, godson, we are on the same side. I won't even take over your task,
that was never my intention, only to make sure you were truly loyal and capable of doing
it…"

As Severus spoke, he was breaking and breaking and breaking, and Draco, of course, couldn't
see that. All he was seeing was the Dark Lord's favorite servant finally revealing himself to
him. And Severus knew the pain and self-loathing of what he was doing was just the
beginning of the ultimate betrayal he was forced to commit in the very near future. Once this
dreaded task was done and Severus was making his escape with Draco, Severus was sure he
was going to come apart at the seams and never be the same again.

"Wait…wait…wait… Once I complete my task, once we escape the castle together and Harry
learns of this, if he sees us going together… What if… He could…"

Draco was stumbling over his words, unable to speak, and Severus hoped to Merlin that what
Draco was trying to say wouldn't happen, that Harry wouldn't resort to cutting himself.
Severus had a lot of faith in Remus in being there to prevent anything drastic such as that.
Severus had to believe that. He couldn't let himself go down that dark road in his mind,
because then it would sap out all of his strength to go through with everything.

Giving up on what he was trying to say, Draco bowed his head with grief for Harry. Severus
was touched at how much his godson still cared for Harry, even after all of the fights they had
since the summer… It was clear that Draco had only been pushing Harry away for his own
safety.

But Severus could not show that.

He sneered at Draco instead, his expression cold and filled with disgust as he spoke, "What
do you care if Potter hurts himself? I thought you were a Death Eater, Draco, isn't that what
you've wanted? It would make Potter weaker for the Dark Lord to kill. Don't let me catch you
speaking like that again, you're supposed to want Potter dead!"

Draco stepped even further from Severus, his hands shaking, his face growing paler. Severus
knew Draco was having trouble recognizing his godfather in him as he spoke.

Severus stepped forward, menacingly closing the distance between them again. His black
robes billowed around him, adding the effect of Severus being dark and dangerous. "Now, tell
me how much time we have left. The Dark Lord is waiting for you. I am waiting for you, we
have to be ready!"

Now Draco's whole body was shaking. His face went from pale to gray as he stuttered out,
"It's having problems… But it'll be fixed… Just a few more months… Just before school
ends… I'll have it fixed and ready…"

A few more months left with Remus and Harry… Severus thought with despair.

"Good…an estimation…that's all I wanted to know… When you know for sure, inform me
right away. And next time, we'll discuss where you're carrying out the plan. Now get to your
dormitory," Severus ordered.

Draco glared at Severus, the fear finally fading away to defiance again. He stepped around
Severus to get to the stairs.

Severus turned towards him. "And Draco, not a word to anyone about our conversation
tonight. Not to your friends and especially not to Potter or I'll be sure to have the Dark Lord
know of your betrayal… He could either kill you or shorten your dead-line, now you
wouldn't want either of those things, wouldn't you?"
Draco only glared at him in return, not saying a word to Severus' obvious threat as he
stormed down the stairs.

When Severus was sure Draco was far gone, he pulled out the Marauder's Map, lighting up
the tip of his wand so he could watch Draco's dot travel down to the Slytherin dormitory.

Guilt of what he had just done to Draco was pulsating through Severus, but it had to be done
and it worked. He now knew where Draco was working on the task, he had an estimation of
the time he and Albus had left. It wasn't much to go on, but it was something… The very first
real piece of information Draco had finally admitted to Severus, and he also finally showed
him his dark mark. This was only the beginning of Draco revealing his plans to Severus, a
crack in that stubborn boy's steel wall.

Once Draco's dot finally reached the dungeons, Severus couldn't help but move his focus to
Harry's dot in his dormitory inside Gryffindor tower. He was safely sleeping in bed and
Severus was relieved at that. There was no chance of Harry overhearing the conversation
between him and Draco with that invisibility cloak.

Draco's fears for Harry losing control on his cutting once he would find out Severus'
supposedly true intentions echoed in Severus' head and he pushed away the rising panic he
began to feel over it.

Remus will be there for him… Severus kept repeating that to himself over and over. He's not
going to be alone, they'll get through it together. It'll make them stronger to fight the
darkness….

His eyes then traveled to the Defense wing, finding Remus' dot in his quarters. It looked like
Remus had grown tired of waiting for Severus in his office and had gone to bed. Severus felt
regret at making him wait so long, but he had one more thing to do until the night was finally
over and he could join Remus in bed. He had to go to Albus' office and tell him about his
small breakthrough with Draco. He moved his gaze to the headmaster's tower, finding Albus
in his office. Severus wondered what the headmaster was doing up so late, did he just arrive
back at the castle? Severus didn't ponder it for long, Albus was finally here. Severus closed
up the map and made his way to the headmaster's office.

Severus found the headmaster at his desk, looking over some parchment and looking very
exhausted.

"I see that you're back," Severus greeted. "Any chance of you finally telling me about these
secret missions?"

"I have another mission to prepare for in the early morning."

Severus rolled his eyes at Albus invading his question.

"Albus, what are these missions? You look exhausted."

"Nothing you should be concerning yourself with at the moment, Severus, you know that.
Now, what can I do for you at this late hour?"

Severus huffed with annoyance at the headmaster's stubbornness, but still told him everything
that had just transpired between him and Draco.

"My plan worked, of course. Draco now believes that I am truly on the Dark Lord's side, it
got him to open up a bit and he told me an estimation of him being ready to perform the task.
He's been in the Room of Requirement this whole time fixing it…"

As soon as that word left his mouth, Severus suddenly remembered that day on the beach
when he and Harry were talking about him following Draco into Borgin and Burkes. Harry
had said to Severus… "Then why would Draco give Narcissa and their guard the slip? That
seems like a pretty big risk, doesn't it? He had to have planned all of that. To meet Greyback
like that, to use him as a henchman to bully Borgin into agreeing to fix whatever he wanted
broken…"

That theory Harry had, Severus had tossed it aside, telling him that day to drop it. Harry had
then brought it up again after the accident with Katie Bell, and Severus told him to let it go as
well. But of course, Harry's theory had been right all along and the dark mark on Draco's arm
proved it. Severus had never really doubted Harry, he knew it had potential despite the flaws
in it, but he didn't ponder on it. He didn't want to encourage Harry into delving too deep on
the Draco situation.

Severus thought back to Harry's explanation of how he overheard Draco arguing with Borgin
into fixing something. Could that object be what Draco has been doing in the Room of
Requirement? At first, like Harry, Severus thought it was the necklace that Draco was trying
to get fixed, the cursed necklace that was touched by Katie Bell. And tonight, the way Draco
spoke about what he was doing in the Room of Requirement, it sounded like he was still
trying to fix something, so there was no way it could still be the necklace. It was
confiscated… This new theory…it ruled out poisonous potions as well, making the idea of a
weapon more likely.

Severus realized he wouldn't really know if this was all true unless he got confirmation from
Borgin himself. It was an urgent task he suddenly had to do, based on what Borgin decided to
reveal, then Severus could figure out what Draco was doing tonight. There was no time to
waste. And he sighed with annoyance at the longer night ahead of him. He wanted nothing
more than to just go back to Remus in bed and hold him close.

"Albus, Draco is fixing something! A weapon, most likely, something he could kill you
with!"

"Severus, how?"

"Before he got taken by Greyback, Harry overheard a conversation in Borgin and Burkes’
shop. It was about Draco wanting something fixed… At first I thought it was the necklace,
but now after tonight… Draco spoke as if he was still working on it. Borgin knows what it is!
He knows the plan!"

"Then you must go down there now and retrieve that information from Borgin as soon as
possible, Severus, remember what I wrote to you this morning."

"Time is of the essence," Severus said with urgency. "Albus… Draco has the dark mark, I
saw it. If this task is not carried out, he's certainly dead and so are his parents."

"All the more reason for you to learn of his task and start preparing to take over it when the
time comes. It's a good breakthrough. I'm very proud of you, I knew you could figure this out
with just a little push."

Severus scowled at that, but Albus only continued…

"We can't have Draco be the one to kill me, it has to be you."

"I know!" Severus snapped. "I know, Albus! Fuck, I just made Draco believe that I was truly
on the Dark Lord's side. He knows that I'm going to betray Harry, who he still cares very
much for by the way, and I had to threaten him to keep quiet about it! Don't you think that I'm
trying without you pushing me?"

Albus didn't reply, allowing Severus' voice to bounce off the walls in the circular office.

"I don't want to do this, but I am… Albus…please this isn't going to be the last time I will ask
you to reconsider, I can still turn everything around. We can figure something else out."

"You're dismissed, Severus, go on, you have a journey ahead of you before you retire to bed."

Severus felt red-hot anger and frustration at the headmaster and of the way he spoke so
nonchalantly, as if Severus was nothing more than a disobedient school boy in detention. He
felt himself shaking, felt the words he wanted to say rumble inside him and he wanted
nothing more than to just punch that look off of Albus' face. No wands, just fists… Instead,
Severus forced himself to turn around and leave the office, making sure to slam the door
behind him as hard as he could, managing to shake the office enough to cause a few portraits
to fall off the wall.

Severus Apparated just in front of the dingy-looking shop. He wasn't surprised to see that it
wasn't touched by the war like so many of the shops in Diagon Alley. In fact, all of
Knockturn Alley seemed to be thriving, not a boarded up window in sight. He didn't bother
knocking, he waved a hand over it, reading the warding spells. They were simple and easy to
cast away, allowing him to open the door with a simple Alohomora. He would've thought that
Borgin would put more care into warding his shop at night, considering the objects he carried
and the dangerous war they were currently in…but then, he was in good standing with the
Dark Lord. He would, of course, have nothing to worry about, Severus thought with disgust.
Well, that wasn't going to help him tonight….

As soon as Severus stepped inside, he found the ugly warlock at his desk in the back of the
shop. His reading glasses were on his oily head as he closely examined an object under a
single flickering candle light…the only light in the room. Severus silently walked towards
him, sensing the bad energy permeating off of every object, making him inwardly shiver.

Borgin didn't look up, but his voice carried throughout the room, oily and rasping. "Ahh…
Severus Snape… A pleasant surprise to find someone as great as you in my shop, what can I
be of service for you at this late hour?"

Severus turned and on a shelf just at his eye level, was a very old and creepy looking child's
toy. A monkey with a wind up key in its back, rusted cymbals were attached to its hands. Its
beady eyes and painted-on white-tooth smile seemed to stare into Severus' very soul.

"I would step far away from that if I were you, nasty little object that one is, fascinating too.
Could kill an entire household in just under two hours. I wouldn't wish it on my most terrible
enemies," Borgin laughed at his own words.

Severus glared at Borgin, not rising to the bait of him scaring Severus out of his shop.

"Draco Malfoy came into your shop in August. What did you two talk about?"

Borgin stopped laughing at that. He fixed his beady stare at Severus, studying him,
wondering what he was after.

Then he slowly fixed his face into a twisted smile that made Severus' wand hand shake with a
mixture of sick disgust and rage.

"Ahh, Draco Malfoy…" The twisted warlock sneered in an interested voice that meant
something so sick, Severus had to instantly control himself from lashing out for using that
tone while saying his godson's name. "I haven't seen that little snake in a long time… Not
since he was a young fresh little hatchling just starting at Hogwarts."

And there went all of Severus' self control, he was seeing red. Before he knew it he had the
vile man pinned against the wall before he could speak anymore about his godson that way.
He stuck his wand deep into the man's neck, until fear bloomed in his dark filmy eyes.

"I know you're lying, Borgin," Severus said in a low and deadly voice. He pressed the wand
harder into the man's jugular "Tell me every detail of that conversation or you're going to find
yourself at the mercy of my wand, now you won't want that… Would you, Borgin?"

"No, I can't… The werewolf… The Malfoy brat said I couldn't or he'll sic the werewolf on
me! I can't bear to become one of those disgusting creatures! I'd rather be dead!" The last
word echoed in the tiny shop, along with Borgin's sniveling cries and painful gasps for air.

"And what is so wrong with being a werewolf, Borgin? I think you would be better off then
you are now… You wasteful, pathetic excuse for a wizard…" Severus sneered, causing the
man to blanche with fear.

"I mmmustn't!" Borgin sputtered, spraying Severus with spittle.

As disgusted as he was, Severus didn't flinch, he only continued to fix Borgin with his most
dangerous and coldest glare.

"Borgin, do you know why I'm the Dark Lord's most trusted, most dangerous and cunning
Death Eater?"

Borgin couldn't respond, he was gasping in fear. Beads of sweat were pouring down his face.

"I am a master of Legilimency. Do you know what that entails?"

Severus didn't give the old warlock time to answer. He dug his wand deeper into his neck.
Borgin's eyes were now bulging.

"I can make you relive your worst fears… Imagine yourself getting bit by Fenrir Greyback
over and over… I can also make it seem so very real, that you can even feel the pain, as if it
were really happening… Over and over and over again."

Severus instantly made eye contact, creating the image, throwing in everything he had, the
fear and pain Borgin would feel if he had really gotten bit by Fenrir Greyback and forced it
into his mind. The warlock gasped out, Severus could smell the overpowering stench and
piss. The blasted wretch had pissed himself!

Severus then ended the connection, letting go of Borgin who slid to the floor in his own mess.
Severus curled his lip with disgust.

"Do I need to remind you again of who I am, or are you going to tell me the conversation?
You know I can just do it by force."

"You're the Dark Lord's most trusted servant…" Borgin whimper.

"Exactly, and if you answer no to me again, then you are answering no to him, and we
wouldn't want him to find out about this, would we?" Severus sneered. "He can do worse
than what I've done to your sniveling hide tonight!"

Borgin started sputtering everything out, but Severus could barely understand him. He rolled
his eyes with impatience and disgust and levitated the man against the wall again, forcing eye
contact with him and said, "Legilimens!"

A vanishing cabinet, a secret passageway for the Death Eaters to break into Hogwarts. They
planned to walk with Draco to Albus' office for protection and to make sure he got the job
done. It was a dangerous plan and also brilliant. He was a bit surprised that Draco had been
able to think of this. Admiring his godson, Severus finally ended the connection and let
Borgin drop to the floor in his own mess again.

He then walked through the shop, searching, until he found it. He opened the door, waving
his wand over it. It was broken. The passageway between the two cabinets was deadly, killing
anything that went through, but Severus could sense what Draco had been doing with it, it
wasn't very long until it would be fixed, but that wouldn't do. Severus wanted more time…
needed more time. He casted a curse on the cabinet, to remain broken until June thirtieth, the
longest Albus could go with that curse in his hand spreading throughout his entire body.

Now, they had a date. And knowing his deadline just made it a bit easier on Severus having
to lose his family, made him want to spend the remaining days in their company and not
waste a single second.

Severus then went back to Borgin, kneeling down, carefully avoiding the piss. "I wasn't here,
Borgin. This conversation between me and you, never happened. Do you understand?"

The man only whimpered and curled into a fetal position. Severus left him there in his filth
and Apparated back to Hogwarts.

The first thing Severus did was return to Albus' office to tell him everything that had
happened but to his frustration and disappointment, the headmaster had already set out on his
new mission.

Severus cursed out loud in the empty office before stalking out with his robes billowing
around him. The headmaster knew where Severus had gone and would be coming back with
important information, the audacity for him to just leave! Albus couldn't wait for one bloody
hour?!

Fuck this, I'm going to bed! Severus decided as he made his way to Remus' quarters.

The first thing Severus did when he finally arrived at Remus' quarters was hop into the
shower. He had begun to feel dirty, his skin itchy, Borgin's spittle on his face feeling like
grime… Using Remus' shampoo and soap, Severus washed it all away under scathing hot
water, imagining the Death Eater version of himself washing away and down the drain… If
only he could just cast the role away as easily as that and never have to wear it again…leave
it in the sewage and waste where it belonged….

He then turned off the water and dressed in pajamas that he had left here the other night.

Severus found Remus fast asleep in bed. The clock on the nightstand read three in the
morning as he climbed in. He examined Remus' sleeping face, who looked so stressed and
frightened in his sleep. His forehead was wrinkled and his lips set in a deep frown. It was
clear to Severus that Remus was trapped in a nightmare, possibly the one he kept having of
himself running out of the darkness and towards that mysterious black wolf. Severus
wondered why Remus kept having those dreams, wondering if that wolf could really be
himself. Severus figured he'll find out once he found out what his Animagus form would be.

Severus gently reached out and smoothed the lines on Remus' forehead, his fingertips trailing
down his face, ghosting over those pink lips.
Just only a few more months of this… Severus felt his heart ache.

"Where are you, baby?" Severus whispered to Remus as he pulled him closer, leaving a
lingering kiss on his head, feeling the soft golden strands of his hair tickling Severus' face as
he inhaled Remus' sweet scent. A few traitorous tears started to slide down Severus' cheeks
and he quickly wiped them away, just in case Remus woke up and saw them.

And even though it was very late at night, Severus pointed his wand to his chest, one arm was
still holding Remus close against him.

"Amato Animo Animato Animagus," Severus whispered, but of course it didn't work.

There was no second heartbeat, as the incantation was only supposed to be casted during
sunrise and sunset. He would have to try again in a couple of hours. Dawn wasn't far off now.

Why the bloody fuck is it taking so long? It has been weeks! Severus really thought that by
now there would be a bit of progress. He only had about four months left to complete this
most difficult step. He didn't have a lot of time left and Severus was starting to fear that
Remus would never get the chance to know what Severus had done for him.

Maybe it was for the best, Severus thought as he gazed down at Remus asleep in his arms, the
moonlight washing over him. He was suddenly seeing the brighter side of his problem. If
Remus never found out about Severus being an Animagus, then Severus could use his
Animagus form to watch over him and Harry after the task was done and no one would ever
know it was him.

Severus sighed with defeat and placed his wand on the night table besides Remus' own.

Remus stirred beside him, Severus quickly ran a hand over his face again, just in case there
were any of his traitorous tears left.

"Severus?" Remus mumbled, his eyes still closed, lost somewhere between sleeping and
waking.

"I'm here, wolf," Severus whispered, placing a few kisses on his temple.

Remus sighed, "What kept you so long?"

"Draco took a very long time coming out of the room."

"Did you get what you were searching for from him?"

"Yes, I did…" Severus whispered, burrowing his nose into Remus' hair. The scent of him, the
feel of him in his arms, his hair so soft against Severus' skin… Severus tried to center himself
on that, trying to combat the guilt and sick feeling in the pit of his stomach for what he had
done to Draco. His godson had seemed so betrayed tonight by what Severus had said to him,
done to him. He wondered what was going on in Draco's head right now. Severus doubted he
was sleeping, especially the way he looked at Severus.
And at the thought of his godson thinking that he never really truly knew Severus all along,
feeling as if he lost his godfather tonight, feeling trapped in the Dark Lord's circle, feeling
hopelessly caught in a task that was only a death sentence, Severus felt his eyes warm and
sting again, threatening more tears.

Severus never lost control of his emotions. He was always so very careful with keeping his
mask up, playing two sides of the war. But Remus, he was Severus' Achilles heel. When
Severus was around Remus, he couldn't hold up his Death Eater facade, couldn't control his
emotions from spilling out. He always found himself so vulnerable around Remus… Severus
tried to fight against it… This wouldn't do, he thought. He would have to work on this, he
couldn't have Remus figuring him out right after the task was complete, even though a small
part of Severus wanted to allow it. He wiped the few tears away that had managed to slip
down his cheeks.

"Any chance you're going to tell me?" Remus mumbled.

Severus couldn't answer, his throat was closing up, feeling the threat of a sob approaching.
Severus took silent deep breaths, burying his face into the crook of Remus' neck. Pressing a
series of soft kisses on his warm skin, focusing on only this suddenly very important task
until the gut-wrenching need to sob passed away.

"Remus?" Severus finally asked, pulling himself away a bit. "Are you still awake?"

"Mmmhmm," Remus answered.

"Tell me about the Murtlap escaping in your class," Severus whispered.

He felt more than heard Remus sighing with defeat, and Severus hated that he couldn't
answer him, disappointing him. Severus was lucky Remus was so patient with him and the
obvious secrets between him, Albus and Draco. But how long would that quiet patience last?
How long could Remus be understanding with him until he broke, becoming fed up with
Severus keeping things from him?

Severus shifted himself and Remus wrapped his arms around him, allowing Severus to rest
his head on Remus' bare chest. This time, it was Severus that was the one being held, the one
being covered in gentle warm and comforting kisses as if Remus knew that Severus wasn't
okay, and that there was no point in asking about it because of course Severus couldn't talk
about it. Remus began to tell his story with a sleepy voice, his voice rumbling and vibrating
from his chest, luring Severus into sleep.

It was a Friday mental health check dinner. Harry had answered all of Severus' questions with
one worded answers and refused to make any more conversation than that, leaving Severus to
roll his eyes and eat the rest of his dinner in silence, listening to Remus and Harry talk about
the upcoming Quidditch match...
"I think we can beat Hufflepuff, I hate to say this, but with Dean Thomas and Ginny together
as Chasers I really think we have a chance."

"I think so too, Harry. I've been down to the stands during your last practice, you've really
pulled that team together… Ron, he's really good," Remus said.

"Yeah, except on game days," Harry groaned.

"Last game he did manage to pull through."

"Yeah, I'm really hoping he can do it again."

Once Remus stood up, taking their empty plates to the sink, Severus tossed the map in front
of Harry.

Harry turned to Severus, his face filled with shock. "You're giving it back to me?"

Severus nodded once, his voice stern as he replied, "Just don't let me catch you looking at it
during meal times again or during lessons. I know you're worried for Draco, I am too, but I've
told you so many times already that I'm keeping a close eye on him. You don't need to be
glued to the map twenty-four seven."

Harry nodded, "Yes, sir." He placed his wand tip to the map, meaning to open it.

"Don't open it right now!" Severus scolded. "Don't make me regret giving it back to you!"

Harry slammed the map back down on the table with an annoyed look. "You know, you didn't
have to be so bloody cold to me when you took it from me!" he snapped.

Remus looked over his shoulder from his position at the sink, catching Severus' eye.

Without Remus having to voice it out loud, Severus knew his boyfriend was telling him to
keep his temper in check and to apologize to Harry.

Severus switched his gaze back to Harry who was glaring at him, waiting for him to answer
back, ready to argue.

"I apologize for that, Harry. I wasn't having the best days and I took it out on you," Severus
said.

He very much wanted to scold Harry for his insolent attitude that day and how he carried it
through Friday and dinner, but he didn't want to waste any time on arguing. Time was short,
they only had until June thirtieth and Severus was the only one who knew about it. It was up
to him to make sure that every moment they had left wasn't wasted on petty arguments like
this.

And he was willing to let go of his pride, willing to see it from Harry's point of view and
realize how wrong he was to treat Harry so coldly that day without a signal to show him that
he was only acting… Of course Harry was going to react that way, how was he supposed to
know if Severus had meant to treat him that way or not? Severus was positive that was the
reason why Remus wanted him to be the better person and apologize.

"Whoa," Harry said, dumbfounded for a moment from Severus' easy apology. "You're
apologizing to me just like that? No lecture first on me being disrespectful?"

Severus blinked, "Do you want one?"

Harry quickly shook his head.

Once the dishes were magically washed on their own, Remus sent the rest of the dinner
things away, leaving everything spotless with a complicated wave of his wand.

"Try to forgive him, cub, Severus was just really worried for me that day as well."

"Oh right, the full-moon…" Harry took a deep breath. "It's okay, dad, I'm sorry for being
disrespectful as well. I know you just wanted me to eat my breakfast that morning."

"All is forgiven, but I just want you to answer me this… During the first Apparition lesson,
what did you overhear from Draco that has gotten you obsessed over the map?"

Harry frowned at the question.

Remus stepped to Severus' side. "Answer him, cub."

And seeing that he was outnumbered and back into a corner, Harry told them everything
about Crabbe and Goyle pestering Draco about when his task would be ready and how Draco
wouldn't give them an answer and kept telling them to drop it.

"I don't even think Crabbe and Goyle know what Draco is doing. He's keeping them as
lookouts, and I think it's linked to him disappearing off of the map, that's why I'm constantly
watching him. I'm trying to figure out exactly where he's going or doing to make him
disappear. And if he has lookouts, that means Draco has to still be in the castle when he goes
to work on whatever he is trying to get fixed…"

"Harry," Severus said with warning.

"I know, stay away from him!" Harry snapped.

"Hey, no need to bite Severus' head off now," Remus said.

Harry scowled, crossing his arms.

Remus frowned, "Look, cub, you're doing a good job on watching Draco, but please
remember what you've promised me when I gave you the idea of watching Draco on the map.
That you won't get obsessed with it and forget everything else and…"

"And if I do see something suspicious, don't do anything without telling you about it first…"
Harry groaned.
"Exactly," Remus said.

"And if we see you breaking any of those rules, if I see you becoming overly obsessive again,
especially during meal times, I'm taking the map away and this time I won't give it back or
even bother apologizing!" Severus added.
 The Things He Can't Speak About

Chapter Twenty-Eight - The Things He Can't Speak About

March came quickly, and before Harry knew it, the Gryffindor versus Hufflepuff match was
the next day. He was out with the team, getting one last practice session in. Harry had to
make changes to the Gryffindor team, they had lost Ron, and Katie Bell still hadn't returned
to Hogwarts after touching that cursed necklace. Harry was forced to replace Ron with
Cormac McLaggen and Dean Thomas was still substituting for Katie.

Watching McLaggen hovering in front of the goalpost, Harry couldn't help but miss Ron's
absence… On his birthday, Ron had eaten a box of chocolates that Romilda Vane had given
to Harry on Christmas. Harry had thrown the box in his trunk and had forgotten about them,
then the morning of Ron's birthday, Ron found them, thinking they were for him, leading to
Harry finding Ron all drugged up on a very strong love potion.

With Ron sitting on Harry's bed, hugging a pillow with a sappy and dreamy look on his face,
Harry scanned the Marauder's Map for Severus, but found him walking around the Black
Lake with Remus. He was too far, it would be impossible to drag Ron all the way out there,
and Harry didn't want to leave him alone. His next best option was to go to Slughorn, who
was in his office.

And for a moment, everything seemed to be in the clear after Slughorn had given Ron the
antidote to Romilda's love potion spiked chocolates. Ron was pulling himself together and
Harry had realized his chance to talk Slughorn into giving him the memory for Dumbledore,
while Slughorn had served them glasses of mead. He was just figuring out a way to do it
when Ron had taken one sip of the offered mead and collapsed to the floor, seizing, as if he'd
been poisoned.

Thinking quickly, Harry remembered the time Slughorn had substituted for Severus' class, an
introduction on antidotes and poisons and the way Harry had surprised him with the bezoar,
another failed attempt to win Slughorn's favor on retrieving the memory. Without hesitation,
Harry rifled through Slughorn's cabinets until he found one, quickly shoving it down Ron's
throat, thinking that maybe it would've been better after all to have taken the chance to
retrieve his dads from the Black Lake.

Once Ron had been settled into his hospital bed and was under the careful ministrations of
Madam Pomfrey, Hermione sitting at his bedside… Dumbledore, Severus, Remus and
Professor McGonagal had arrived. Harry was shocked to see Dumbledore, he hadn't seen him
for weeks at the Great Hall, not since their last lesson in fact, and he'd felt guilty for not
having retrieved the memory for him yet, but luckily Dumbledore didn't ask him about that.
He only wanted an explanation from Harry and Slughorn about what had happened to Ron.

Still in frozen shock, all Slughorn was able to do was gasp out, "I'm sorry, Albus, but this
bottle of mead, it was intended to be a Christmas present for you. It's never been open until
today."
Dumbledore took the bottle from it, sniffing it cautiously with a thoughtful look in his blue
eyes, then handed it to Severus who also peered closely at it, then sniffed it with the same
caution Dumbledore had used.

"What do you think, Severus?" Dumbledore asked.

"That's a very strong poison," Severus answered, his gaze raking over Harry, questioning yet
concerned. "Weasley should be dead, how he made it to the hospital wing alive, is in fact my
question."

"The bezoar… Harry shoved it down Wallenby's throat. It was quick thinking, heroic even, if
it weren't for him then Wallenby would be dead," Slughorn explained.

Harry winced at those words because it brought everyone's attention to him.

Remus gave him a curious look. Dumbledore fixed him with an x-raying blue gaze. Professor
McGonagal's lips grew very thin, her nostrils flared as she looked down at Harry. But the
person who made Harry uncomfortable most of all, was the dark scrutiny of Severus. Harry
wondered what was going through Severus' mind as he looked at him like that. Was it
possible he knew about the Half-Blood Prince and that was where Harry had learned about
bezoars being quick antidotes to almost anything? Harry did find the book in Severus'
classroom after all.

That day in the hospital wing, out of all the eyes burning into him, even Severus', Harry
avoided Hermione's gaze most of all. Everyday she had been telling Harry without fail to
hand the book over to Severus.

And to Harry it seemed as if at that moment, Severus was about to pull Harry to the side and
talk to him privately, but before he could act on it, Mrs. Weasley, Ginny, Fred and George had
arrived, interrupting the moment.

Harry noticed the frustration in Severus' eyes, turning his gaze towards Remus, who
whispered something to Severus as Mrs. Weasley enveloped Harry into a big rib-crushing
hug, causing him to flinch. She pulled back with an apologetic look, telling Harry how
grateful she was for Ron to meet Harry at King's Cross station, that ever since that fateful
day, Harry had saved Ginny, then Arthur, and now Ron.

Harry blushed from the unwanted attention, but was grateful for Mrs. Weasley's interruption,
he didn't want to be interrogated by his dad.

Dumbledore had then requested a meeting with Severus, Remus and Professor McGonagal at
his office, taking away any chance Severus might've had in still privately questioning Harry.

Right after they left, Hagrid had arrived, but his arrival had only caused Madam Pomfrey to
get upset, kicking Harry, Hermione and Hagrid out, saying there were too many people here
and that Ron needed rest.

Leaving Ron with his family, Hermione had gone straight to the library of course and Hagrid
walked Harry back to Gryffindor tower. Harry had taken the chance to apologize to Hagrid
for dropping his Care of Magical Creatures class, who had finally and quickly accepted it due
to being shaken by Ron's near-death experience, then Hagrid had let something slip to
Harry…and that something has been on Harry's mind ever since...

During the holidays, Hagrid had accidentally walked into what seemed to be the end of an
argument between Dumbledore and Severus, saying he never saw Dumbledore look so
bothered with Severus that way before. Hagrid told Harry that he wasn't able to catch
everything they were saying when Harry questioned him about it, only that it sounded as if
Severus was saying that Dumbledore was taking too much from him, that it was possible
Severus was feeling taken for granted or overworked and that he had said, "Are you really
apologetic of the circumstances or are you just sorry I feel this way?"

What did Severus mean by that? What circumstances? What was it that Dumbledore was
making Severus do? Was he really feeling overworked? Dumbledore always had a lot of faith
in Severus, even in the past when Harry would try and argue against Dumbledore's trust for
him… Harry just didn't know what to make of it. And when Severus eventually had been able
to talk to Harry about what happened with Ron, the whole time Harry had wanted to just blurt
out what Hagrid had told him. He wanted to interrogate his dad on what his words to
Dumbledore meant, but Harry stayed quiet. He was certain Severus would just get upset over
it and Harry wouldn't even receive an answer, plus he didn't want to get Hagrid into trouble
for eavesdropping...

"Harry, look out!" Ginny suddenly shouted.

Harry was ripped out of his thoughts, just in time to see a bludger coming right for him. He
dodged it just in time. Peakes zoomed past Harry, going after the bludger, his bat ready to hit
it.

Harry looked to the direction of where the bludger had come from, outraged at what he saw,
making him put on a spurt of speed. McLaggen had left the goalpost again and was with
Coote; Harry's other Beater. McLaggen had taken Coote's Beater's bat and was still swinging
it around and explaining to Coote how to properly hit a bludger, not even noticing that he'd
almost hit Harry. Coote looked thoroughly annoyed, sparing an apologetic glance at Harry.

Ginny zoomed towards them from the opposite side of the field, Dean following behind her
with the quaffle tucked underneath his arm. If it weren't for Ginny, Harry was sure that the
bludger would have smashed into his face, then they would've been out of a Seeker and a
captain for tomorrow's match.

Harry was just about ready to knock McLaggen off of his broom. He kept interfering with
everyone during practice, leaving the goalpost he was supposed to be focusing on protecting
in order to correct the other players on everything he thought they were doing wrong. But
Ginny got to McLaggen first and the glare she had for him, had Harry convinced for a
moment there that she was going to push McLaggen off his broom before Harry had a chance
to do it himself.

"You could've knocked out our captain!" Ginny berated. "That's the last thing we need before
the match tomorrow, you're not the bloody captain, McLaggen! Stop acting like you are!
You're only doing more harm than good!"
Harry was left floundering for something to say after Ginny's outburst, she covered
everything he was about to say to their arrogant Keeper.

"Calm down, Ginny, he was only helping out," Dean said with annoyance.

Harry glared at Dean, imagining how it would be like to punch him, imagining him falling
off his broom, a completely embarrassing incident for Dean, and in front of Ginny too.

Ginny whipped her face towards Dean with a look so insulted and furious, Harry was sure
her red hair was going to burst into flames. He realized he didn't have to do anything to
defend Ginny's honor, she could do that very well herself, and Harry almost felt sorry for
Dean being on the other end of that look, but not sorry enough… Harry was about to let Dean
have it, but then he regretfully remembered that he needed him as a Chaser for tomorrow.

So with regret, before anything could happen, Harry announced to the team who were all
hovering around, watching the scene with wide eyes, "Okay, I think that's the end of practice.
We've all been working very hard, and I don't think we can get any better than this overnight.
We're going to beat them, lads, I know we are. You guys are the best team a captain can ask
for."

His speech had caused the team to smile, releasing the sudden tension as they responded to
Harry with positive cheers of winning the game tomorrow. Although, Dean and Ginny didn't
take their eyes off each other.

"Come on," Harry coaxed with a convincing smile for the team. "Let's gather the equipment
and call it, you all deserve to rest now."

Once the team flew to the ground, gathering up the bludgers and the quaffle; Dean had tossed
it to Demelza before flying after Ginny who had aimed her broom a bit higher towards the
sky and away from everyone else.

Harry stayed where he was, watching the team pack up, laughing and talking excitedly
amongst each other, until Dean flew to the ground and stormed angrily away towards the
changing rooms. Harry turned to see Ginny flying towards the goalpost. He followed after
her, concerned of how she was feeling from the obvious argument she and Dean just had.

Once Harry caught up to her, he said, "Well, that practice couldn't have been more of a
disaster. Don't worry, Gin, as soon as Ron gets out of the hospital wing, I'm kicking
McLaggen off the team before he could even give me advice on how to do it."

Not reacting to Harry's joke, Ginny sighed with frustration, the anger clear in her voice as she
said, "I honestly think we'll be better off without a Keeper at this point. What are we going to
do, Harry? He's going to sabotage us."

"Don't worry, we're going to be okay tomorrow. Remember, it's bad luck to talk about losing
before a big game."

Ginny only frowned.

"Are you okay?" Harry asked, he had a feeling her obvious anger and frustration had more to
do with her spat with Dean then McLaggen's behavior possibly affecting the game tomorrow.

Ginny finally turned her head towards him, her brown eyes flashing with anger that was
turning into hurt, and Harry just wanted to reach over and grab her hand, to do something to
take that look out of her eyes and to just see them dancing with laughter again, to see her
smile… Harry didn't like what Dean had said to Ginny either, telling her to calm down,
obviously defending McLaggen from her and taking his side. Dean was a bloody toe-rag for
doing that, he was supposed to be her boyfriend and be on her side always… He was an idiot
for not sticking up for her, for not realizing how lucky he was to have a girlfriend like Ginny,
making her upset, dimming the laughter from her beautiful brown eyes.

"That spat you just had with Dean, it seemed really intense… You looked so upset when he
told you to calm down."

Ginny's eyes suddenly brimmed with tears, but she didn't let them go. "McLaggen almost
bloody killed you and Dean dares to tell me to calm down. As if I'm the one in the wrong!"

"I wanted to punch Dean for you, I almost did," Harry admitted. "Getting punched and falling
off his broom, the humiliation of it seemed fitting enough."

Ginny rolled her eyes, "What is it with boys always resorting to violence?"

"It was supposed to be in your honor!" Harry laughed in defense.

She snorted at that, "Well, I'm no damsel in distress, thank you very much, Potter."

"Oh, I know that," Harry said with sudden seriousness. "You're a Quidditch captain, that's
what you are. If I had gotten hit by that bludger, then it would've been up to you to lead the
team through tomorrow's match."

"Harry," Ginny scoffed with disbelief and a bit of embarrassment at his compliment.

"I mean it, Gin, you're the best player on the team. Because of you, I'm not even worried
about McLaggen as our Keeper."

Ginny shook her head, "Stop flattering me, Potter."

Harry sighed, "Okay, fine!"

If Ginny wasn't going to believe him, then at least Harry would get her to laugh. He suddenly
flew towards Ginny and tapped her shoulder.

"Tag, you're it!"

Then Harry zoomed away from her as fast as he could, causing Ginny's long ponytail to fan
out behind her from the wind caused by Harry's acceleration.

"Hey!" Ginny called out. "That's cheating, you toe-rag! I wasn't ready!"
Harry could only laugh out, "Catch me, Ginny!"

He led Ginny through a high-speed chase throughout the field, then Ginny had done an
elaborate loop that stopped Harry in his tracks, giving her the chance to quickly race towards
him and tag him, then zoomed away before Harry could even realize what had happened.

"You're it!" Ginny called out, snapping Harry from his daze.

Feigning being insulted on her tactic, Harry called out, "And you call me the cheater!"

Ginny's laughter rang out in the field, causing Harry's stomach to fill with butterflies.
"Mission accomplished," he said softly with a grin, then raced after her.

After longer than Harry was proud of, he was finally able to tag Ginny back by pretending
that he was choking on a bug he'd accidentally swallowed, luring Ginny to him. When she
found out what Harry was up to, she thumped him hard on the back for his audacity.

They had just been calming down after their bout of uncontrollable laughter, when Ginny
suddenly said, "Why is it always this easy and fun to be around you, Harry? Why can't Dean
and I have this?"

Her voice cracked with so much hurt, Harry couldn't help but reach over and tuck a strand of
red hair behind her ear. It was so soft, as soft as Harry imagined it would be, and the look
Ginny gave to Harry in return was even softer and so very warm, it had Harry feeling as if he
were falling off of his broom.

Harry suddenly wanted to kiss her, but he wasn't sure if he should. His hands were suddenly
trembling with nerves and Ginny sounded so upset about Dean… It wasn't the right time…
But Ginny's eyes were still on him, and Harry wondered if she could possibly be thinking of
the same thing….

"Ginny!"

Startled out of their trance, they both looked down to see an angry-looking Dean. His eyes
traveling back and forth between Ginny and Harry. Harry wondered if Dean saw Harry
tucking Ginny's hair away from her face and behind her ear, if Dean could see the way they
were looking at each other so high up in the sky. If he heard Ginny laughing because of Harry
and not because of him.

"Oh, I better go…" Ginny sighed, preparing to fly back down to the ground. The laughter was
dimming from her eyes again.

"You don't have to, Ginny," Harry pleaded, he didn't want her to go. He wanted her to keep
flying with him.

"I know, but you see…he feels threatened by you…" Ginny replied a bit hesitantly, as if she
wasn't sure if she should be admitting Dean's insecurities to Harry.

"He's threatened by me?" Harry said, taken aback. "But he's bloody perfect Dean Thomas."
Ginny only shrugged, "It's one of the reasons why we keep arguing. Please, don't tell him I've
told you any of this. It's between us, okay? Promise?"

And Ginny said it so desperately and sweetly, Harry found himself nodding. "Of course, I
won't do that to you, Gin, your secret's safe with me."

Ginny gave him a small smile in return, leaning over and ruffling his wind-blown hair. Harry
had almost let go of his broom from the feel of her hands on him and before he could say
anything else, Ginny flew back down to the ground, to Dean Thomas who was still staring
angrily at her, greeting her with harsh words that caused Ginny to storm on ahead with an
exasperated scowl.

Harry watched them go back to the castle, his heart aching to see Ginny so unhappy and
angry at Dean for treating her so rudely, and Harry felt like there wasn't anything he could do,
he felt so helpless. He would give anything to keep her away from Dean, but Ginny was
headstrong, her own person, she would never allow him to help her, but at least he could be
around to cheer her up anytime Dean made her upset.

Once they were gone, Harry wasn't ready to go back inside just yet. He pulled the snitch out
from his pocket, the only Quidditch ball that hadn't been packed away. He let it go, allowing
it to flutter in front of him, then it zoomed out into the field, out of sight for Harry to find.

Harry tried to keep his thoughts on catching the golden ball, but they kept straying to
Severus' and Dumbledore's mysterious argument, of Ron and whoever it could be that
poisoned him. Harry was certain it was Draco, who else could it be? It was so similar to Katie
Bell's accident. A really messy attempted murder. When Severus had questioned Harry about
the whole incident of Ron being poisoned, Harry hadn't even bothered bringing up his
suspicions. There was no point to it, he already knew what Severus and Remus were going to
say: Let the adults handle it.

Harry's thoughts then strayed to Ginny and how she flew across the setting sun, its rays
setting her red hair ablaze. How she looked at him when she said it was easy to be around
him, the fun they had chasing each other on their brooms and how upset Ginny looked when
Dean called to her.

I should've kissed her! Harry thought savagely, selfishly thinking that if he had, then Dean
could've seen it, and then maybe it could've led to him and Ginny breaking up right there on
the spot, then Harry would have no choice but to comfort Ginny, and she could then perhaps
realize that all along it was Harry that she was meant to be with….

And it was thoughts like those that kept everything else away.

A million different ways how this evening could've ended if Harry would have just kissed
Ginny Weasley.

And he stayed up in the air, chasing the snitch till long after the sun went down.
Remus was sitting on the window ledge of his office, dressed in the nicest black jeans he
could find in his wardrobe, along with a brown button-down cardigan, a dark-blue shirt and
black tie. He was strumming his guitar, waiting for Severus to arrive.

During dinner that evening, Severus had warned Remus to not get too full, that he was
planning on taking Remus to The Three Broomsticks for non-alcoholic drinks and dessert to
celebrate Remus' birthday early, just them, no one else. A date, and to dress nice, causing
Remus to blush over his shepherd's pie.

But the evening was growing later and later, turning into night and Remus had expected
Severus' arrival hours ago. Did he forget the plans he made? Remus was trying not to feel too
upset over his absence, but he was miserably failing.

He looked out of the dark window, trying not to think of the possibility that Severus might be
standing him up. That thought sent Remus' stomach into knots and he distracted himself with
thoughts of the Quidditch match tomorrow. Remus had a perfect view of the goalposts from
his window where he was previously able to see the maroon robes of the Gryffindor team
before the sun had gone down. They had practiced all evening for their match against
Hufflepuff.

Harry had really been working hard with his team for weeks, but seeing that new Keeper,
McLaggan, and the way he'd performed this evening, leaving the goalposts and interfering
with the other players had Remus worrying a bit for the chances of Gryffindor winning
tomorrow. It would be very upsetting if the Gryffindor team lost due to their wayward stand-
in Keeper after all of their hard work.

But the Gryffindor Quidditch team had left hours ago…and Remus was still waiting on
Severus, writing in his notebook.

It was just at that moment, Remus stopped what he was doing, realizing how much time had
passed. He tore his eyes away from the window and to the clock on the wall.

It was past eight-thirty.

Could it be possible that Severus had meant to take Remus out after curfew? But the pub
closed at ten… That would hardly be enough time to get there and actually be able to enjoy
themselves. But then it would also be a perfect time to go… The last closing hour was when
the pub would be emptier, less people to see them together. Remus had voiced his worry
about that, but Severus had assuaged his fears, saying that if anyone from Voldemort's side
reported Severus being seen with a werewolf, then it would mean Severus was doing his spy
work correctly by mingling with the enemy.

Remus inwardly sighed, not sure what to make of Severus' absence, strumming a few chords
of his guitar. This wasn't the first time this has happened, where Severus promised to return at
a certain time, then ended up being very late with no proper explanation as to why.

It was very possible that Severus had gotten called by either Dumbledore or Voldemort,
explaining his lateness…and once it was over…whatever he was doing… Severus would
eventually arrive at Remus' side…
Remus understood…he understood…but it wasn't enough to stop his hurt feelings from rising
inside of him, he couldn't stop them, but he could push them down and hide them, never
voice them, he didn't want this to become an argument between them, especially when he
knew this was something Severus couldn't help.

The first time this had happened, of Severus keeping Remus waiting with no proper
explanation, was the last day before Christmas break. Severus had failed to return back to the
cabin in time for dinner as promised, leaving Harry to worry, triggering his anxiety, and
leaving Remus alone to help Harry through it. Hours later, late into the night, Severus had
finally returned with no explanation but only an apology, so Remus did it for him, hoping for
a confirmation of Remus being right or at least a bit of information in return of what had kept
him, but Severus had only changed the subject, leaving Remus to wonder of the possibility of
Severus being late for a different reason, but Remus wasn't sure and he was just so relieved
that Severus was safely back home, that Remus didn't let it bother him at all.

Then it happened again, Severus had promised Remus he would return in time to talk about
their day over their usual evening tea once he was done talking to Draco Malfoy… Severus
had returned, but hours and hours later, long after Remus had given up waiting for him and
went to bed alone. There was no possible way that Severus had spent all of that time talking
to Malfoy. Remus was woken that night by Severus holding him, his voice sounding very
upset as Remus asked him what had kept him, if he had found what he was looking for.
Severus had only given him short and vague answers, with not even an apology this time to
why he was so late. Remus was tired from being woken up and a bit upset for being stood up
and receiving hardly any answers for it, that he'd lost a bit of his self-control and asked
Severus for an explanation, but of course he was met with silence then a change on the
subject… Remus could tell how upset Severus was by the way he had held him that night,
clung onto him that night, refusing to speak about it, that Remus had pushed his annoyance of
Severus' silence away…because in that moment, Severus needed him more.

Remus frowned down at his guitar, playing a few more random chords, until they began to
form into words and he sang out,

"Because right now, I don't dare to breathe… Chase this light with me…"

Remus frowned with concentration, creating a few more new chords then writing it all down,
spending time on it… Only to keep his mind distracted… Lyrics popping up in his head…

"Because tonight, the world turned in me."

Waiting…

"Because right now, I don't dare to breathe.

Oh, babe, I know, it's alive and somewhere for us to find..."

Trying not to look at the damned clock again… Looking at the clock…

"Tonight, oh chase this light with me…"

It was already past nine and Remus had a terrible sinking feeling in his stomach that Severus
wasn't going to show tonight, and if he did, then it wouldn't be until hours later and he would
most likely be closed off and upset...and worry began to set in.

"Where are you, Severus?" Remus muttered to himself, putting down the guitar.

Remus understood why Severus had disappeared for hours the last few times, he really did. It
was all because of Dumbledore and his hold on Severus and there was no point in ever asking
Severus about it because he was sworn into secrecy. Remus completely understood the
importance of it and he didn't want to make Severus feel as if he were in a situation where he
had to choose between Remus and his duty to the headmaster… But this date was for Remus'
birthday, it was Severus' idea. Remus would have been perfectly fine if they had just spent
the evening inside the castle like every other evening. How could Severus have forgotten his
plans with Remus or allowed himself to get caught up in his work knowing full well that
Remus was waiting for him? It wouldn't have bloody hurt Severus to at least send him a
message that he wasn't going to show.

And everytime this had happened as Remus waited for Severus' return, always full of worry,
he tried really hard to not let it bother him, because there were more important things to be
upset and worried about during that moment. They were in the middle of a war. But it did.
Remus always felt so far away from Severus during these absences and it hurt so deeply to
know that he'll never have that part of him, the part of Severus that belonged to Albus
Dumbledore. These long absences were always a reminder that Severus could never be fully
his.

And Remus wanted that, he wanted Severus fully, like how Severus had Remus fully.

He felt his eyes begin to warm, his throat painfully closing up a bit and he took deep breaths,
refusing to cry over something as silly as this. Remus was already feeling humiliated enough
over all of this, waiting like an idiot in well-dressed clothes.

Remus looked at the clock again for the millionth time, there was no point in even waiting
around anymore. The pub was about to close soon.

Suddenly, Remus caught something moving out on the Quidditch field. He squinted his eyes,
trying to see through the darkness and the distance through the window pane. Because of his
vision being sharper due to him being a werewolf, Remus could just make out someone
flying around on a fast broom, as if they were chasing after something, a snitch possibly and
there was no doubt in Remus' mind that it had to be Harry. It seemed as if he'd stayed behind
long after his team had left.

Wondering why on earth Harry was still out there so late and figuring that it was most likely
due to him being nervous about his team's chances of winning the match tomorrow, Remus
decided that he was tired of waiting around for Severus and moping about it. It would be
better if he could distract himself before calling it a night. Besides, it was quite obvious that
his cub needed Remus more than Severus at the moment.

.
.

Remus stepped out onto the grassy field, looking up as he illuminated the sky with his wand
light, revealing to him that his suspicions on the person flying alone in the dark Quidditch
pitch was certainly Harry.

"Harry!" Remus called out, using his wand to amplify his voice so that Harry could hear him.

At that same moment, Harry had reached out and grabbed the snitch. When he heard Remus'
call, he stuffed it into his pocket and flew straight down to Remus, landing on the ground
beside him. His hair was wind-blown and his cheeks were red from the cold air. His green
eyes were bright and alive from doing his most favorite thing in the world, flying. Remus
couldn't help being reminded of James for a moment, he used to have that exact look every
time he flew his broom.

"Remus, hi," Harry greeted, sounding a bit out of breath.

Remus couldn't help but run a hand through Harry's hair, smoothing it out and chuckling just
a bit. "How long have you been up there?"

"A few hours," Harry shrugged. "How did you know where to find me?"

"I spied you from my office window. Practice seemed brutal."

Harry sighed with defeat, the cheerful mood that flying had left him in disappeared at Remus'
observation. "It did?"

Remus nodded with sympathy. "Come on, let's start heading to the castle. I'll walk you back
to Gryffindor tower so you won't get written up for being out during curfew."

Harry nodded his agreement. They started to walk.

"Are you worried about tomorrow? Is that why you were flying so late?"

"I was and I lost track of time, thanks for coming to get me. Severus would've had kittens if
he saw me out here so late."

Remus was sure Harry had no need to worry about Severus seeing him out of bounds tonight.
"What are you so worried about? I think you have one of the best teams Gryffindor has had in
ages."

"I did before I lost Katie and Ron." Harry then scowled with annoyance, ranting at a fast
speed, "It's Cormac McLaggen! He thinks he's better than all of us and he won't quit
reminding us about it! I kept having to stop practice to order him to get back to the goalposts.
Then he almost hit me in the face with a bludger, leading to Dean and Ginny arguing and I
was forced to call practice to an end and resort to hoping for the best tomorrow!"

"Whoa," Remus said, placing a hand on Harry's shoulder. "Take a deep breath, cub."
Harry glanced at him, inhaling and exhaling as they continued on walking across the
Hogwarts grounds.

"You still have a good team. Just don't rely on your Keeper, rely on your Chasers to make
sure they score more than Hufflepuff."

Harry nodded with a thoughtful look, taking Remus' advice and thinking it over. He then
gave Remus a small smile, "Thanks for the advice, papa. I never really thought you would be
good at strategizing Quiddtich or would even be interested in it."

Remus smiled with a humbled shrugged, "I can't take all the credit now, it was James and
Sirius that would make me practice with them whenever they were a player short."

"Hmm…" Harry suddenly looked very deep in thought.

"What is it, cub?"

"Is it me or is it just members of the Gryffindor Quidditch team being attacked? Katie and
now Ron… If I didn't have my suspicions on Draco, then I would be thinking it would be
someone from the Slytherin team instead."

"It would surely be better than it being Draco…" Remus commented.

Harry then stopped, they had reached the steps of the castle, the light of the torches on either
side of the doors were setting off an orange glow. Harry looked Remus over. "You look nice,"
he commented. "Are you going somewhere?"

"I was," Remus only muttered, opening the doors and letting Harry inside first then following
after him, the loud echoes of the doors closing behind them filling the sudden awkward
silence created by Remus.

"How is Ron doing by the way? Any chance of him getting out of the hospital wing soon?"

Remus' sudden question chased away their silence. Harry huffed out with frustration and said,
"Madam Pomfrey said a few more days. I was really hoping she would release Ron in time
for the match, he seems well enough. We just need him back on the team, and that would
solve all of my Quidditch problems."

"Well, at least it seems as if Ron and Hermione are friends again," Remus pointed out, trying
to cheer Harry up with the bright side of Ron's unfortunate accident of being poisoned.

"True, but now I'm having to avoid Lavender Brown," Harry sighed.

Remus sent him a questioning look, silently begging for details on the drama between the
Lavender, Hermione and Ron love triangle. Remus was secretly invested with their story line,
and he knew Harry knew that, he was the one who started telling Remus everything about it.

Harry gave Remus an exasperated look. "Ever since Ron's ended up in the hospital wing, he's
been pretending to be asleep everytime Lavender tries to visit him, and she knows that he and
Hermione are talking again and she is not happy about it. Lavender and Hermione even had a
row over Ron in their dormitory and now Lavender keeps bugging me with questions about
Ron everytime we run into each other."

"Oh, for the love of Merlin, don't tell me that Ron's trying to break up with Lavender that
way?" Remus winced.

"He is…the coward…" Harry sighed with disappointment directed at his best friend. "I've
been trying to avoid McLaggen as well. He keeps pestering me with useless Quidditch tips
and plays for the match. I swear he thinks he could coach the team and play the whole game
by himself and still be better at it than us."

"Tough, cub," Remus said with sympathy.

Harry suddenly looked up at Remus as they began to climb the staircases leading up to
Gryffindor tower. "Hang on, aren't you supposed to be with Severus right now? Don't you
spend the evenings together? You two aren't fighting again are you? Is that why you're
dressed nicely with nowhere to go."

"You're observant," Remus could only say for a moment, then at Harry's annoyed look that
was also mixed with worry, he added, "Don't worry, Harry, never about us breaking up. We
aren't fighting, plans were just canceled. He's with Dumbledore."

Possibly… Remus left out.

"Dumbledore's back? He's been gone since Ron was poisoned."

"Has Severus said anything to you about these missions? Has Dumbledore? Are they linked
to your private lessons?"

Harry shook his head. "No, I don't think Severus knows anything, and if he does, then he's
bloody good at keeping secrets and pretending he doesn't know anything… And Dumbledore
never answers my questions about his disappearances… I mean he sort of does…but…" Then
Harry stopped, seeming as if he didn't know what else to say.

"Hmm…let me guess," Remus said, "Dumbledore just gives you rhetorical answers that
always just leaves you with more questions that are even more confusing to figure out?"

Harry smiled, "Yeah."

Remus only shook his head with frustration.

They finally made it to the portrait of the Fat Lady, but before going inside, Harry turned to
Remus with hesitation in his green eyes, "Hagrid told me something peculiar about Severus
and Dumbledore."

Remus felt his stomach drop with dread at Harry's sudden revelation. Keeping his voice from
shaking, Remus asked with curiosity, "And what is that?"

"I'm not sure if I should be telling you or anyone for that matter…but it's about Severus…
Hagrid said he'd overheard them arguing during Christmas break, something about
Dumbledore taking too much for granted or something like that… And Severus saying, "Are
you really apologetic of the circumstances or are you just sorry I feel this way?" What do you
supposed that was about? Has Severus mentioned any of this to you?"

Remus couldn't answer. He was feeling a strong bout of hurt and worry mixed together and
surging through him, to hear Severus having those thoughts. It sounded like he was feeling
overworked and exhausted, and tired of working with Albus, but why couldn't he have
confided to Remus about any of this?

Severus was always encouraging Remus to talk about his nightmares, his depression, always
pleading to Remus to let him in, and Remus was trying his best to do that, remembering
Severus once saying that they were a team… Why couldn't Severus apply the same
expectations of being open with each other onto himself?

Well, of course he couldn't, not really, Remus realized. Everything that Severus was hiding
from Remus, choosing on what he was keeping silent, all of it came with strings attached to
the secrets between Severus and Dumbledore.

Remus understood Severus' silence. He understood… But it was getting harder and harder to
be understanding. He would've still wanted Severus to be as truthful as he could be, knowing
and trusting Remus enough to not ask for more than what he could give.

Thinking about what Harry had said, the timeline of it, that argument had to be the reason
why Severus was so late in returning back to the cabin on the last day of Christmas break.
What had they been arguing about for Severus to take out his frustrations onto the
headmaster? What was Dumbledore making him do? And most importantly, Remus
recognized the confirmation of Severus lying to him that night by not correcting Remus'
assumptions for his lateness. Why couldn't he have just said he was with Dumbledore? Why
the lie? Didn't Severus trust Remus enough to not pepper him with any more information
other than that? They were supposed to be a bloody team! Why couldn't Severus open up to
him just as he was expecting Remus to do the same for him?

Remus kept going over the argument Harry had just told him, the words Severus had said to
Dumbledore. The argument sounded serious, sounded so tightly woven into the secrets
between them that Remus was brutally reminded of the parts of Severus that he could never
have.

Who was Severus when he was around Dumbledore, around Voldemort and his Death Eaters,
even around Draco Malfoy? What was he doing when he was absent like this? Was Severus
even at the castle right now? And these doubts on Severus hurt more than any of the thoughts
Remus had all evening.

"Papa?" Harry worriedly called Remus back. "Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. It's
obvious that it was a private conversation…"

"No, no… Thank you for telling me this," Remus reassured him. And with Harry looking so
worried still, Remus reassured him again, "And don't worry, we aren't fighting and this won't
cause one."
Harry let out a sigh of relief. "What could they be arguing about then? Do you think it's about
Draco's task? It does sound strange doesn't it? What exactly is Dumbledore making Severus
do that he's tired of? Could it be the spying?"

"Who knows, Harry. It could have been anything. Maybe Severus was just having a bad day
and was taking his temper out on the headmaster, you know how Dumbledore pushes him
sometimes."

"That I understand," Harry said with feeling and Remus knew he was talking about his secret
lessons.

Remus didn't know what to say to prevent Harry from dwelling on this when he couldn't
make sense of the argument himself.

It was just so strange…everything… Remus had been suspecting it for a while but had never
let himself ponder on it, afraid to really… Severus was hiding something big, something he
couldn't speak about and Remus knew there was no point in even asking him about it. He
would never receive any answers. It was only between Severus and Dumbledore… The part
of Severus that was never Remus'...

Remus ended up giving Harry a quick hug. "Try not to dwell on what Hagrid told you, cub. It
could be something but it could be nothing. Maybe it was just a lover's quarrel between the
two…" Remus joked, just to lighten the mood, causing Harry to scoff with disbelief. "Just
focus on your match tomorrow, I wish you luck, your dad and I will be there on the stands
cheering you on."

Once Harry stepped inside Gryffindor tower, Remus decided to go back to his quarters,
hoping that Severus would be there waiting for him with a big fat apology that would take
away Remus' sudden doubts, his hurt, his worry and thoughts on secrets, lying, headmasters
and the war. An apology that would perhaps give him some of the missing pieces of Severus
that Remus desperately wanted, but when he arrived to his quarters, they were empty, leaving
Remus to sink further down into this dark thoughts, feeling the tendrils of his depression seep
in through the edges of his mind and heart, blocking out any rational thought of Severus
having to do all of this not because he wanted to, but because he had to.

Remus sighed out with frustration, stalking over to his fireplace and grabbed a fistful of floo
powder and tossed it angrily into the fire, turning it green, paired with the roaring sound of
the heightened flames.

"Severus Snape's quarters!" Remus shouted, stepping into the fireplace and heading straight
to the dungeons.

Severus' quarters were empty. Remus stormed into his bedroom, slamming open the door and
finding it empty too, he then turned his gaze onto the closed door of Severus' private lab.
Remus angrily stalked towards it and tried opening it but it was locked. Remus brought his
ear to the door, catching the sounds of Severus moving around.

Anger, hurt and annoyance formed into a lump in Remus' throat. What was Severus doing
inside there? Had he really just forgotten their date?
"Severus?" Remus called out, but there was no reply.

Remus knocked, calling out to him again, "Severus, can you open the door, I can hear you
inside."

There was still no reply. Remus waited for a few minutes, hoping Severus just had to finish
up whatever he was brewing in his lab and would come out, but he didn't.

Remus tried one more time, calling his name and when Severus still wouldn't answer, Remus
was forced to give it up and head back to his own quarters.

He went to bed angry that night, but trying so hard not to be, trying so hard to hold on to his
understanding of Severus' position, of him needing to hide away after whatever had
transpired between him and Dumbledore tonight, and Remus went to bed filled with a
considerable amount of concern for Severus…wondering if he was okay, wondering what on
earth was going on with him and why couldn't he just talk to Remus about it… And Remus
was failing, failing, falling…until he wanted nothing more than to just drink everything away.

Harry had just been on his way to the Quidditch field after spending the whole morning with
Ron at the hospital wing. He was so nervous for the game today he had skipped breakfast,
also he couldn't bear to see Ginny and Dean sitting together, especially after his failed chance
to kiss her.

He was cutting his luck quite close actually, but with his brisk pace Harry was confident that
he would arrive at the changing rooms just in time.

Harry hadn't meant to leave so late, he had just gotten lost in conversation with Ron and the
situations of Lavender Brown and McLaggen, then Harry brought up the argument between
Dumbledore and Severus, telling Ron about Remus' reaction to it, how he'd seemed hurt
about it and had grown a little bit distant. Harry had a feeling that Remus knew as little as
Harry did when it came to Severus, Dumbledore and Draco. And despite all of Remus' talk
on just trusting Severus and Dumbledore, all the bloody secrecy was bothering him too.

Harry had just turned the corner of the last corridor before he could finally exit the castle,
when he suddenly came face to face with Draco.

Both of them were caught by surprise, staring at each other for a very tense moment. Harry
wasn't sure what to do or even say, he was like what the muggles would say, a deer caught in
the headlights. He was not at all prepared for Draco's sudden presence. It had been a long
time, since before Christmas, that they were alone together.

Draco then suddenly rolled his eyes and stepped around Harry, walking away without saying
a word.

Harry turned towards Draco's retreating form, watching him walk away. In the back of his
mind, Harry was still very aware that the match was going to start soon and he was already
late, but this was a chance he couldn't give up. This was the first time he and Draco were
alone together with no interruptions, no one around. Everyone was sitting in the Quidditch
stands… His team was waiting for him… Ginny and her big brown eyes, full of worry, of
fury… Ginny was waiting for him… Fucking bloody hell! I'll be fucking quick about this!

"Draco!" Harry walked a few quick paces behind him.

"Potter, I swear to Merlin, if you don't fucking leave me alone right now…" Draco snarled,
not stopping to even look at him.

"Drop the act for one moment, we are completely alone, I just want to talk to you."

"Do I need to send you against the wall again like the last time you tried getting into my
business?"

"What about our kiss, then?"

"Get fucking lost, Potter!"

"That's my fucking business as well since you kissed me first. Can we talk about that at least?
There were two, Draco!" Harry said with hurt in his voice, remembering the ghost of Draco's
lips on his and how it had filled him with curiosity, then anger and hopelessness as Draco
resumed his distant behavior afterwards, like nothing had happened, making Harry realize
how stupid it was to hope for… Harry didn't even know himself anymore.

And thinking about kissing…brown eyes were so heavily on the forefront of his mind and his
stomach clenched with dread… Ginny… She's waiting….

There was no reply from Draco, making Harry angrier. He was letting Ginny down for this
prick who didn't care about anyone but his stupid task!

"You know, I'm not even sure how I even feel about you, if I even wanted you to kiss me in
the first place. You didn't bloody ask me, then you just continue to hate me and push me
away. I know this isn't even pretend, you're not that good of an actor. Why did you do it if
you were still going to act like a bloody prick? Why can't you just accept Severus' help?"

Harry saw Draco's shoulders tensed at Severus' name, but he didn't rise to Harry's bait, he
didn't turn around or even say another word. He kept walking and Harry didn't know what
else to say to get Draco to stop, to get him to talk to him, to take off that mask for just a
moment, and maybe…maybe there wasn't a mask anymore… Maybe the Draco he knew was
already lost.

Feeling the ache in his throat, the pain in his heart at the thought of losing his best friend and
not being able to do anything about it, Harry considered using his invisibility cloak that was
currently tucked inside the pockets of his robes. Severus and Dumbledore had both ordered
him to carry it everywhere. If Harry could just let Draco keep walking, then he could throw
the cloak over himself and follow him…

Then Harry remembered Ginny again and the fact that she was still waiting for him, counting
on Harry to get her and their team through today's match with Hufflepuff that was already
starting. He was so late, and at the thought of her disappointed face of Harry never arriving,
of letting her down…

Their evening in the sky yesterday, chasing each other, how soft her red hair was, the way
Ginny looked at him as Harry tucked a soft strand of it behind her ear, the way she was so
upset over Dean and Harry had managed to make Ginny smile and for a moment there, a
moment that Harry didn't seize, he could've kissed her… And the risk of losing all of that by
being the cause of Ginny's disappointment today… Harry wasn't sure if he could sacrifice her
for Draco who didn't want to be helped, who didn't want Harry around him, who had given
up fighting… But Ginny… She was here… She would never give up fighting… She was
counting on Harry… And Draco wasn't worth losing her.

And so Harry regretfully turned away from his one chance to follow Draco, his one chance to
finally figure out what he's been doing to disappear off of the Marauder's Map for months,
and this time Harry bolted towards the doors of the castle and out into the grounds and
towards the Quidditch field where he could already hear the distant cheering of the
Hufflepuff team being announced.
 Albus Holds The Key To My Silence

Chapter Twenty-Nine - Albus Holds The Key To My Silence

"What's taking the Gryffindor Quidditch team so long?" Severus asked with impatience,
looking down at the changing rooms where they should've been coming out right about now.
It was the first words spoken since he and Remus had situated themselves in their seats on the
highest bench of the faculty stands. The commentator for the match was Luna Lovegood who
was spouting nonsense about the Hufflepuff team who'd taken off into the air minutes ago
and were doing a few practice drills. Severus thought that Lovegood's commentary was a bit
annoying and very off-topic, but she did cause Remus to laugh every few moments…and
Severus was glad of that.

Remus didn't reply to Severus' question. It was tense between them, and Severus let out an
annoyed sigh. Albus had finally returned to Hogwarts. He'd been gone for weeks, aside from
the days he was luckily there when Weasley was poisoned, but all they talked about was the
incident and before Severus knew it, Albus was gone again. Severus was still very much
annoyed and pissed at him for just taking off like that when he knew Severus was coming
back with very important information on Borgin and Draco that night. Severus thought they
had limited time, Albus was making a big fucking stink about it and he just kept fucking
disappearing.

Then what pissed off Severus even more, was that yesterday Albus had taken the information
and dismissed Severus without even a bat of his eye. He didn't bother to share any thoughts
of what Severus had discovered or revealed anything of how his missions were going, why he
was gone so frequently and for weeks.

Albus' behavior left Severus in a mood so rotten, he knew he would be unpleasant to be

around so he didn't even stop by Remus' quarters as promised that evening. He had wasted
away the night sulking in his lab, ignoring Remus' calls, then he slept alone in his bed, hating
himself for letting Albus get to him like that.

Severus found Remus in the Great Hall the next morning, sitting in his usual seat to his relief.
Severus was expecting to find Remus sitting somewhere else instead, and he wouldn't have
blamed Remus for that. Severus stood him up last night… Guilt pooled in his stomach along
with the echoes of Remus calling him from the other side of the door… And readying himself
with an apology…it all suddenly disappeared along with his relief when Severus realized
Professor Vector was sitting in Severus' seat talking to Remus, causing him to stop in his
tracks.

"What the fuck?" Severus muttered, he then forced himself to continue walking.

"How about it, Remus? You, me and Tonks today after the match?"

"I don't know," Remus said with uncertainty, sounding a bit bothered by Vector's presence.

They hadn't noticed Severus approaching them, nor noticed him standing behind Vector.
"Let us celebrate. It's on me, plus Tonks already knows about it. She's scheduled the
afternoon off."

"Well in that case…"

Severus cleared his throat, causing an end to their conversation. Remus glanced up at Severus
then turned away with a frown, choosing that moment to pick up his coffee and take a drink
from it.

"Professor Snape, a very good morning to you," Vector greeted with a hesitant smile. "Nice
day for a match, no? Who are you rooting for? Gryffindor or Hufflepuff?"

"Hufflepuff, of course… Now, is there a reason why you're in my seat, Septimus?"

Severus gave him his best glare, the corner of his lips cruelly twisting at Vector's given name.

Vector recoiled and suddenly stood up.

Remus slammed his cup down at the table with an exasperated sigh, Vector glanced at
Remus. "Meet me at the gates an hour after the match? We can walk down together."

Remus nodded his confirmation, then Vector went back to his usual seat without sparing
another glance at Severus.

Coward, Severus thought, shaking his head with annoyance and sitting down, pouring
himself a cup of coffee and feeling those hazel-green eyes glaring at him.

Avoiding that gaze, Severus glanced at Albus' empty seat. He couldn't even be here for the
Quidditch match! Severus scowled at that, knowing Albus left the castle again.

Severus hardly ate anything, just drank his coffee until Remus finally tore his gaze away
from Severus. The silence between them became so great that Remus suddenly stood up and
began to make his way to the Quidditch field with everyone else, without a single word.
Severus sighed and followed slowly after him, wondering if he would be welcomed to sit by
him still.

And he was, but Remus still avoided his gaze, keeping his eyes stubbornly on the skies.

Severus was so stuck in his rotten mood and the tension between him and Remus that he
ignored Minerva's jibes about Gryffindor being very close to winning the cup if they won this
match.

"Wait, is that Harry?" Remus suddenly pointed out to a small figure running at full speed
towards the changing rooms and then disappearing inside of it.

Severus glanced at Remus, surprised at him finally speaking, then back to the changing
rooms. "Why is he so late?"

Those eyes were on him again, searching, waiting, angry, frustrated… All of that was in
Remus' voice, "Okay, enough of this… Spill it, Severus, what happened to you last night?"
Severus scowled, "Do we have to talk about it now?"

"Severus, I was waiting for you last night!" Remus snapped. "Then you arrive at breakfast in
the foulest of moods, you were rude to Vector, without even an apology or an explanation…
Are you upset with me? Was it something I did? I was knocking at your door!"

"No, Remus, I'm not mad at you," Severus irritably said.

"Then what's with the mood?"

Severus only sighed and shook his head with a frown, turning his attention back out to the
sky. The Gryffindor team had finally arrived, taking off into the air with Lovegood
announcing their names. The cheers of the crowd heightened after the long awaited start of
the game. Remus cheered along with them as Harry zoomed up into the sky with Ginny
beside him, and Severus was grateful for the brief distraction.

The game started and Lovegood was commentating on how quickly Ginny had taken the
quaffle from a Hufflepuff Chaser, Smith, and continued on about how a nice friend Ginny
Weasley was to her.

Severus rolled his eyes at the girl's aloofness as she then tried remembering one of the
Hufflepuff Chaser's names. And even though Severus' eyes were towards the sky, following
Harry circling around the arena in search of the snitch and keeping an eye on his team at the
same time, Severus could feel Remus' gaze on him.

"If not me, then it's Dumbledore you're upset with, isn't it? You visited him last night."

"It's Cadweller!" Minerva suddenly shouted from a few rows down, taking Remus' attention
away again.

Severus took the interruption as an excuse to not say anything to Remus in return. Remus
didn't either. The game soon took off, becoming so serious that it required their full attention,
yet the beginnings of an argument was hanging in the air between them. Remus wanted
answers that Severus could never give him, and this time Severus knew Remus wasn't going
to be patient over his silence any longer. It was just as Severus feared would happen
eventually, and he could hardly focus on the game anymore.

It was just as well, Gryffindor was doing poorly. They had started off strong, yet their Keeper
was the result of Hufflepuff gaining a few scores ahead.

"Bloody McLaggen!" Remus bellowed. "Stay by your post!"

"And now Harry Potter is arguing with his Keeper…"

Harry was indeed arguing with his Keeper, who'd been yelling at Ginny and accidentally
letting the quaffle soar past him and in through the hoop. Severus saw Remus wince at the
language Harry used at McLaggen before taking off in search of the snitch again.

"I'm not sure if that would help him find the snitch… It could be a clever ruse…" Lovegood's
voice rang out.
Severus tried not to appear bothered by Remus, who then continued on chuckling at
Lovegood's commentary on Harry. If they weren't stuck in this weird beginning of an
argument, he was sure Remus would've teased Severus, blaming him for their kid's horrible
mouth.

Remus caught Severus staring at him, then turned away with a frown.

"You're really just going to sulk? Not even blame me for Harry's foul language?!" Severus
meanly snapped out before he could stop himself, his frustration and annoyance was quickly
turning into anger.

Remus whipped his attention back to Severus, his hazel-green eyes glaring. "I've been trying
to talk to you, but you're hardly answering me! You're the one sulking and in a fucking mood
and you won't tell me why! I'm the one who has every right to be upset after what you pulled
yesterday. I had half a mind to not let you sit next to me, but I did, so Harry could see us here
together, as I promised him last night!"

"And that's a score for Ginny Weasley!" Lovegood announced, followed by loud cheers
coming from the Gryffindor stands. Remus kept his glare on Severus.

"Because you're asking me things that I cannot answer properly! Just leave it, Remus, watch
the bloody game!"

"So you're just going to not tell me anything at all, just sulk about it, lie about it, just like the
last argument you had with Albus during the Christmas break?"

Severus felt himself blanch at those accusing words, his heart thudding. What argument? But
Remus turned away from him.

"Remus, what are you talking about?"

Remus didn't answer, and at that moment Harry zoomed by the faculty stands. Remus greeted
him with supportive cheers, and Severus, with an eye to see if there was anyone watching
him…and there wasn't…gave it his all to smile and appear supportive for their kid who didn't
seem to be enjoying the game as well.

"Another score for Gryffindor! Thank you very, very much, Demelza! She really is a lovely
and talented girl…" The cheers from Gryffindor were ecstatic, as if they were savoring the
win despite the drama going on in the air.

Once Harry sped off, Remus whipped his attention back to Severus.

"Don't act like you don't know! Look, I understand you have to keep things from me because
of Albus, I know that, Severus, but if it's going to leave you in a mood and sulking and not
wanting to talk to me about it and disappearing on me without any explanation, then that's
where I have a problem!"

"Seventy-forty to Hufflepuff!" Minerva suddenly shouted for Lovegood who had somehow
lost track of the score. It was followed by a cheer from the Hufflepuff stands and a collective
groan from the Gryffindors.

Remus then turned his attention back to the game with a frown, his eyes searching for Harry.

Severus tried to look back into his memory, trying to figure out what argument Remus was
talking about. An argument he apparently had with Albus during the Christmas break, hoping
nothing important or anything of the task was overheard. Was it possible Remus was talking
about the one where Severus had kicked Albus out of the cabin? Why is he bringing that up
now? It's been months…and he was there… It can't be that one… It was hard to weed these
arguments out, everytime Severus was with Albus, all they did was argue these days if they
weren't talking business… Then Severus finally remembered a specific one he had with
Albus in the black forest and how he had run into Hagrid as he stormed away from the
headmaster.

Fuck, it was that one!

Panic suddenly seizing him, Severus grabbed Remus by his shoulders, roughly forcing his
body towards him, forcing Remus' attention on him. "What argument are you talking about?!
What did you overhear?!" Severus asked so harshly, shaking Remus and not meaning to at all
but he lost control in his panic of Remus possibly knowing something of his promise for
Albus.

Remus flinched from Severus' desperate and savage tone of voice, from his harsh and sudden
grip, pulling himself away from Severus' grasp. "Get off me!" His sudden shout was luckily
covered up by the sudden roar of Hufflepuff and their supporters as McLaggen failed to block
the Gryffindor goalpost again.

Severus drew his eyes to the Gryffindor goalposts. In fact, McLaggen wasn't even there… He
then returned his attention back to Remus who was glaring at him, his eyes now flecked with
gold, he looked so angry… His eyes were watering and his hands were shaking.

Fuck! Severus realized that he made this quarrel between them much worse by being rough
with Remus, just like how his father used to be with his mother. Severus couldn't believe he
had done that, the worst of him always came out in his temper, just like how his father was,
and Severus hated it. He was so ashamed that it squashed out every feeling of panic and
frustration and anger towards Remus, leaving only guilt and concern and remorse.

"Remus, I didn't mean to be so rough like that… Did I hurt you?" Severus reached out a hand
to steady Remus' trembling hands, but Remus flinched away, moving his hands out of
reach…

"McLaggen! Would you give the fucking bat back to him and get back to your bloody post!
Hufflepuff just scored twice because of you, you prick!" Harry shouted.

Severus whipped his head back to the field. Harry was pelting towards the goalpost just as
McLaggen swung the bat and hit a passing bludger hard, hurling it straight towards Harry. It
happened so fast that Severus hadn't even registered what had happened until he heard the
sickening crack of it colliding into Harry's head and suddenly he was falling off his broom.
"Harry!" Remus shouted with shock and panic, getting up from his seat.

"Arresto Momentum!" Severus shouted, pointing his wand at Harry, slowing down his fall as
Remus ran down to the field as quickly as he could. With a curse under his breath, as soon as
Harry was safely on the grass, Severus followed after Remus.

When Severus got there, Remus was already stopping the blood flow from Harry's head.
Madam Hooch was placing a magical stretcher next to Harry's limp body and they were now
preparing to move him.

Dean Thomas was up in the air, laughing, and Ginny cursed so boldly and loudly at him, it
shut Thomas right up.

The least annoying one of the Weasley brood… Severus realized.

Severus didn't go any closer, no matter how much it killed him to not be at Harry's side. He
couldn't. He still had his role to play, the Potions Professor that hated Harry Potter. At least
Harry was with Remus, he was in good hands. But there was one thing he could do as a
professor, and he saw McLaggen landing on the ground, still holding the damn Beater's bat.
Severus fixed him with his most dangerous glare and stalked over to him, grabbing him by
the collar of his robes and pulling away the bat from his grip.

"McLaggen! That was the most reckless, idiotic form of playing I've ever seen in all of my
sixteen years of teaching at this school! One of the worst Quidditch players this school has
had and believe me I thought I've seen worse until you've turned up on the field today!"

From the distance, Severus caught Remus suddenly looking around, searching for him most
likely, until he caught Severus scolding McLaggen thoroughly. He gave Severus a quick nod
then levitated the stretcher that was now bearing Harry, and with Madam Hooch's assistance,
they began to rush him towards the castle and to the hospital wing.

Severus was angry that he couldn't be there. He turned his attention back to a thoroughly
chastised McLaggen who had been protesting that Harry was being a terrible captain and that
he was only doing his job for him.

"I don't want to hear it!" Severus snapped. "You had no business grabbing a Beater's bat
without any proper training for it and ruining the game by almost killing another player!"

Harry was going to be fine, according to Madam Pomfrey as she wrapped up Harry's head
with a tight bandage. She had healed up his cracked skull in no time at all. And once the last
potion was poured down Harry's throat, Severus finally found himself letting out a deep
breath of relief.

"He'll most likely be unconscious for a good few hours, maybe more. Rehealing a cracked
skull is serious business and it takes a lot of rest," she explained to Severus and Remus.
"Bloody McLaggen!" Weasley said furiously from his bed. "I heard everything from Luna's
commentary, I'm going to kill him!"

"Not when you're still under my watch, Mr. Weasley," Madam Pomfrey snapped as she
updated Harry's chart on her clipboard.

Severus was standing besides Madam Pomfrey. He drew his eyes away from his unconscious
son; his dark hair was spilling out over the white bandages that were wrapped around his
head, and settled his gaze onto Remus who was sitting on the edge of Harry's bed with his
thumb rubbing circles on the back of Harry's hand.

The echoes of their argument echoed in Severus' head, he kept replaying the moments when
Remus flinched from him, pulling his hand away, and how he looked at him with such
frustration, anger and hurt, snapping at Severus to get off of him. The way his hazel eyes
were flecked with gold because of Severus…

Throughout the whole ordeal of getting Harry to the hospital wing, they were forced to put
their argument on hold.

Severus was fighting the urge to go to Remus, to put a hand on his shoulder and comfort him.
Even though they were in a middle of an argument, it pained Severus to see Remus so upset
and worried over their kid.

But Poppy and Weasley are still in the room… And would Remus even want me to touch him?

Severus hadn't meant to be so rough, consumed by terrible guilt and fear that Remus might
just shake him off. He wouldn't know what to do with that possible rejection… But Severus
needed Remus, to touch him, to have his closeness, needed to bring Remus comfort, to let
him know that even though they were arguing, Severus still loved him and that he was sick
with worry over their injured son as well.

Fuck it! Our kid has a bloody cracked skull!

Severus was just summoning up the courage to comfort Remus in front of Weasley and
Madam Pomfrey, but then the Gryffindor Quidditch team chose that exact same moment to
burst in through the doors with Granger among them.

Madam Pomfrey slammed the clipboard to Severus' chest, expecting him to take it as she
stormed towards the rowdy group of teenagers.

"No! No, absolutely not!" Madam Pomfrey scolded. "Potter needs his rest and he can't have
that with all of you and your ruckus!"

They all began to protest.

"Aw, come on, Madam Pomfrey!"

"We lost the game because of McLaggen, we just want to see how our captain is doing!"

"It won't be long!"

Remus suddenly stood up during the chaos, never looking at Severus as he said, "It's okay,
Poppy, at least have Hermione and Ginny stay with Harry. That way he won't be alone when
he wakes. The rest of us can leave. Severus and I have been here for quite a while already,
just let us know as soon as he starts to wake up or if there are any changes."

"Will do, Remus," Madam Pomfrey complied with reassurance. "Don't worry, Harry won't be
alone, he's in good hands."

Remus nodded his gratitude towards the medi-witch who then turned a fierce gaze on the
group of teenagers, still decked in their Quidditch uniforms, excluding Granger. "You heard
Professor Lupin, if you're not Miss Granger or Miss Weasley, then out!"

The Gryffindor Quidditch team all began to protest, but all Severus had to do was fix them
with his no-nonsense glare, "You heard her, out!" he said sternly, causing them to obey the
school medi-witch without another complaint.

As they left, grumbling about how unfair it was that they couldn't see their Quidditch captain,
Severus watched Remus leaning over, giving Harry a kiss on the forehead, whispering
something Severus couldn't hear. He then straightened himself up, nodding his head to
Granger and the Weasleys, saying his thanks to Madam Pomfrey, and then left the hospital
wing without even a glance at Severus.

The girls were quietly conversing with Weasley, their eyes all on Harry. Ginny pulled up a
chair and placed it between Harry's and her brother's bed, reaching over and gently holding
Harry's hand, her face full of worry. Severus could see her visibly shaking with rage as she
told her brother what happened out in the field. McLaggen's name was heard, paired with a
few choice swear words from her. Severus didn't reprimand Ginny. He pretended as if he
were too absorbed in Harry's chart that he didn't hear her. Severus couldn't blame the girl,
really. He was feeling the same rage towards McLaggen as well. That boy could've killed his
son, he was so reckless and stupid to swing a Beater's bat at a bludger without any proper
training, plus it wasn't even his place to be there. He was supposed to be guarding the fucking
goalposts!

Severus had given the idiot two months worth of detention and he wasn't allowed to play
Quidditch again for the year. Severus' discipline on McLaggen was graciously approved by
Minerva since she was his head of house, she was also angry at him for being the cause of
such a disastrous loss for Gryffindor. McLaggen had also received an earful from the
formidable witch about that as well as he could've killed Harry.

Madam Pomfrey had gone to her office. Severus put down the chart and went to Harry's side,
sitting on the edge of the bed, the same spot that Remus had occupied earlier. Not caring that
Granger and the Weasleys were in the room, Severus studied his son's unconscious face,
reaching out and moving his hair to the side, away from his face. He then checked the
bandages on Harry's head, making sure that they were properly on and not wrapped too
tightly.

Worry for Harry coursed through him, even though Madam Pomfrey said he was going to be
just fine with plenty of rest. Severus' heart still went out for his injured son. It was hard to see
him like this, hard to think about how upset he would be when he learned of his team's loss
once he finally woke up. Harry had worked so hard keeping the team together after the losses
of Weasley and Bell, practicing hard three evenings a week.

The sickening sound of the bludger connecting to Harry's head was a sound Severus would
never forget, and the horror of it, the panic he felt right after as he ran down to the field…

"It was a good game, son. The loss wasn't your fault and between you and me, I was hoping
for your team to win, you've worked so hard for it. You deserved it, but it can't be helped
now… Just rest, and your papa and I will be here when you awake," Severus whispered,
leaning over and gently kissing the side of Harry's head before standing up.

Severus took one last worry look at Harry, then left the hospital wing. He could feel
Weasley's, Ginny's and Granger's eyes on him. They were most likely surprised at what they
heard from him, at how gentle and loving he was with Harry. They already knew the familial
relationship between them, and so Severus didn't really care that they just saw a side of him
they had never seen before. They were Harry's inner circle. Albus trusted Harry enough to
allow him to talk about his secret lessons with them. Harry trusted them enough to know
about his mental health, the abuse he went through and how he now had a family with
Severus and Remus, and so Severus trusted them enough to allow them to see him as Harry's
father, no matter how annoying he thought Granger and Weasley were…the Weasley girl not
so much though….

Once Severus closed the hospital wing doors, he lingered in the corridor. He wasn't really
sure what to do with himself now… On a normal Saturday, Severus would have been with
Remus or even Harry….

Remus was obviously still very upset with Severus still, he didn't even wait for him, he just
left and Severus was almost content to just let Remus be to stew in his anger towards him,
but their limited time together was so heavy on Severus' mind, in his heart, causing it to ache
more than ever before. Severus didn't want to waste their last months together arguing. He
had to fix this, and with that, Severus made his way towards the Defense wing.

He didn't find Remus in his office or in his quarters. He didn't know where else to look other
than the Astronomy tower, Remus' favorite place to sit and think. Severus climbed up to the
seventh floor, then up the winding staircase and with breathless relief, he found Remus sitting
up on the ledge. The sun's rays causing his golden hair to shine. The sky was filled with
fluffy white clouds and the air for the first time in months felt warm. It was a beautiful early
spring day despite everything that had happened this morning.

"I didn't want to be found," Remus said, not looking back, his voice carrying out into the
open sky ahead of him.

Severus figured Remus caught his scent on the breeze before he emerged from the stairway.
"Remus, I apologize for last night, I needed space…" Severus said, still out of breath as he
joined Remus on the ledge.

Remus just stared straight ahead, his eyes squinting a bit from the bright sun. "Which I
completely understand. You're allowed all of the space you need, but Severus, forgive me
from asking, I know you can't exactly answer…"

Remus then finally turned his hazel-green gaze to him, full of hesitation and hurt that
squeezed Severus' heart…

Don't look at me like that…

"What are you hiding from me?" Remus finished.

And Severus didn't know what to say to that, as much as he knew this argument was
approaching… He wasn't prepared for it.

"No, you know what…" Remus scoffed with a sad smile, looking away, his golden fringe
going into his eyes and Severus just wanted to reach over and brush it to the side, to kiss that
pained smile and turn it into the special one Remus always reserved just for him. "Don't
answer it. I can't put you in that position."

"I'm sorry, Remus," Severus could only say.

Remus only sighed, going back to staring at the view of the Hogwarts grounds. Severus sat
silently beside him, waiting for Remus to speak again when he felt ready.

"I get that Dumbledore has forbidden you from speaking about certain things. I get how and
why you are working for him… I understand all of that… But why hide an argument from me
that you had with Dumbledore that sounded as if it had really upset you? Did you two have
another quarrel last night, is that why you just disappeared? You know you could've just
come to me instead of withdrawing."

"That argument you brought up, it's not the one where I kicked Albus out of the cabin, isn't
it?"

"No, it is not," Remus admitted, looking at Severus as he recited, "Are you really apologetic
of the circumstances or are you just sorry I feel this way?"

Taken aback by the sudden confirmation of his suspicions, Severus spat, "Fucking Hagrid
can't keep his bloody trap shut!"

"Be honest with me, Severus, if it weren't for Hagrid and Harry, then I would never have
known about it."

"Harry knows?!" Severus asked with fury and shock. "That's just bloody great then, isn't it?
Another reason for Harry to start distrusting me again!"

"Hagrid told Harry, and then he told me… But that doesn't matter how I heard about it, the
point is that you were never going to tell me, and you avoiding answering me on everything
I'm asking you, proves that I'm right!" Remus snapped, suddenly turning around and jumping
off the ledge, the sound of his shoes hitting the stone floor. "I'm not even going to bother
asking about what you said even means! I'm not getting any answers, only fucking silence
and secrets!"

Severus scowled with annoyance and frustration as he slid off the wall as well, straightening
himself up and glaring at Remus. "Why is this so bloody important to you? That was just a
private conversation between me and Albus. It's none of your business!"

As soon as Severus said that, those words still echoing in the air between them, Severus knew
that was the wrong thing to say. Of course it was Remus' business. Are they not boyfriends?
Isn't Severus' business Remus' business as well and vice versa? They have a kid together!

"It should be my business!" Remus shouted, glaring at Severus, his body shaking as he
stepped a bit closer. "I want to know everything about you, Severus, I'm in love with you,
deeply and truly, the most in love I've ever felt with anyone, even with Sirius and that is so
fucken messed up because he was my best friend, my first love, and that just goes to show
how much I feel for you, and you know that! You're my soulmate and that means I want
every side of you and I'm missing a huge chunk of you that only Albus gets to see… I know
there are things that you are forbidden to speak about, I understand, but you can still let me in
a bit, like the arguments and how you feel about the spywork he's making you do…"

"Remus, you're being fucking irrational!" Severus said. "How the hell can I even talk to you
about what happens…"

But Remus kept going, shaking his golden head, his voice cracking, trembling, betraying the
hurt he was feeling inside…

"You tell me to open up about my depression… You want me to tell you about my nightmares
and my feelings on what I went through with Greyback, you want me to talk to you… I keep
things from you too, but only because the pain runs so deep in me that it's hard to get past the
trauma of it all and talk about it, but I'm trying… I want to and I'm trying… I'm not choosing
to be silent, it's just me fighting my demons… But you choose to be silent and you expect me
to be okay with that, you expect me to accept that you're keeping things from me, all because
of Dumbledore… But he hasn't forbidden you to talk to me about your feelings, he hasn't
ordered you to withdraw from me… That is all you!"

"I'm not choosing to withdraw from you, I just don't have a choice, I'm bloody shackled to
that madman!" Severus shouted.

Every word Remus had said to him was like a knife through the heart and what made it worse
was that he knew everything Remus was saying was right. He had been keeping things from
him, but only because he wouldn't be able to explain anything fully without inviting the
subject of Draco's task that was really for Severus' to accomplish. Remus was probably
feeling as if he were missing something, something big, causing him to feel like Severus was
hiding something, withdrawing because of it…of course he was feeling that way, and Severus
really couldn't do anything about it.

Remus, darling, please understand! Severus thought with despair.

"You told me we were a team! How the fuck can we be a team if you're keeping stuff from
me! You do have a choice! Talk to me, Severus! At least with what you can!"

Severus groaned out with frustration, running his hands through his hair. "I can't!"

"Why were you so upset last night?! Why were you hiding from me? I keep asking you that
and you won't answer me!"

"Remus, I can't talk to you about any of it!"

Remus' nostrils were flared with anger, his hazel eyes were now full of golden flecks and
swirling with hurt. He shook his head with defeat and turned around, heading to the stairs.

"Where the fuck are you going?! You can't just interrogate me and then just leave in the
middle of this argument, we have to fix this, now!" Severus spat, a bit of spit escaping his
mouth, but he was so angry he didn't pay any attention to it.

Severus' nasty tone of voice caused Remus to stop in his tracks, whirling around to face him
again. "Why?" he asked. "Why are you in such a hurry to fix this?"

And Severus couldn't say why. He couldn't say that they only had about three and a half
months left, too short a time to waste on an argument as big as this one.

Remus flinched from Severus' silence.

Remus, darling, I'm so sorry… Severus couldn't bring himself to say it out loud. I'm sorry for
hurting you like this… Albus has the key to my silence…

And even though Severus was tempted to blame all of this on Albus, it was partly Severus'
fault for not hiding all of the secrecy between him and Albus better.

"I thought so…" Remus said softly. There was no more anger in his voice, only hurt. "If you
really want to know where I'm going, I'm off to meet up with Vector and Tonks for a birthday
tea at Madam Puddifoot's."

Severus curled his lip with disgust at the mention of the girly and romantic tea shop where
most Hogwarts students had their first awkward dates.

"Don't look at me like that, it's their way of supporting me on staying sober… At least I can
count on them to show up as promised, since it's clear you can't be bothered enough to
remember to show up for the things you planned!"

This time it was Severus who flinched from Remus' tone of voice, wondering if Remus was
doing this purposely to hurt him back for this argument, for his chosen silence, for standing
him up yesterday… The birthday date Severus had planned for him and had forgotten…
Fuck! He quickly shoved a hand into his robes, feeling a small velvet box inside… Fuck!

And so angry at himself for forgetting the reason why he'd made those plans with Remus last
night… His birthday! I'm a fucking idiot! Yet, Severus couldn't help but snarl so nastily,
"Have a bloody good time with charming Septimus, don't you dare sit next to him!"
Fuck! Why am I bloody like this? Why can't I control what comes out of my mouth when I'm
around him?!

Remus was afterall, Severus' achilles heel, and now he suddenly understood why… Remus
had called him his soulmate… You are my soulmate too… I can't hide from you, darling….

Unaware of the internal battle going on inside of Severus, Remus shouted back, "And what if
he does?! What does that matter to you?!"

"Remus, he bloody likes you! Why is it that everyone you come in contact with, falls head
over heels for you?!"

"What the fuck are you saying, Severus?!" Remus' eyes were turning more and more golden,
betraying the trouble he was internally having with controlling the wolf due to the high
emotions in the air between them. "Vector is just a friend, just like Tonks! Why are you so
threatened by them?! You have me, not them! We aren't going to have another argument
about you controlling who I can be friends with again, just because you don't like them!"

Remus then turned around and started to climb down the stairs before Severus could argue
any further.

"Remus!" Severus shouted.

"Jump off the fucking Astonomy tower!" Remus' voice echoed from the staircase.

"Yeah? Well then, piss off!"

And just like that, Remus was gone, leaving Severus alone to release a torrent of his most
favorite curse words.

Severus didn't see Remus for hours after that. He had returned to his quarters, catching up on
grading assignments and he also got a head start on brewing the Wolfsbane for March's full-
moon.

With the potion now simmering, Severus found himself with nothing to do to keep himself
occupied. He wanted to be busy, he didn't want to sit around wallowing in his concern for
Harry, in his frustration and anger towards Remus….

Severus still couldn't get over the fact of how Remus understood why he was silent with
certain things between him and Albus, but still begged Severus to talk to him about it. He
was being irrational, yet Severus understood that Remus was only venting, speaking from a
place deep inside of him that was of tiring patience and frustration with Severus' silence and
hurt from Severus standing him up last night and hiding in his lab.

Severus sighed and went to his storage closet in his lab and started to clean it out, chasing all
thoughts of Remus and Harry out of his mind. He was about halfway through organizing a
box filled with empty flasks and other storage containers for ingredients and potions when he
came across a small beaded bag. It was his mother's bag, he had taken it from Spinner's End
long ago and had placed it in his old library that was now Harry's room. When Severus had
cleaned out the library, the bag had ended up in his closet, forgotten. Severus always
remembered her every time he saw the beaded bag, that was why he had taken it with him.
She used to always store everything inside it. Every time Severus needed something she
would pull it out from her bag, from a few coins for sugary treats while shopping, to a
favorite book or toy. It had a charm casted inside of it so that the user could never run out of
space for storing things.

Severus stared at it wondering… Those lessons, there was a reason for them. Albus was
planning something and he knew that once the headmaster was gone, Harry would most
likely be left with something to do, some sort of task…forcing Harry and his friends into
possible hiding…and Severus…he couldn't be there to protect him….

Suddenly an idea came to him. He couldn't be there, but this beaded bag could be…

Severus started looking around the closet, filling the bag with anything useful Harry and his
friends may need while on the run. Severus then went to his quarters, filling the bag up with
more books and supplies, including all of the camping equipment he still had, medical-kits,
potions, anything he could think of.

And once Severus was absolutely sure that he covered all of the bases and the beaded bag
was ready to be handed off to Granger; the only one he trusted to hold onto it for safe-
keeping and not ask questions about it, it was a bit past dinner and now Severus was allowing
his mind to wander back towards Harry…wondering if his son had awoken yet, but Madam
Pomfrey said she would alert him and Remus when that happened…

When Severus arrived at the hospital wing several moments later, Weasley was asleep in his
bed and Granger was sitting in a chair between his bed and Harry's, reading.

Perfect…

"I suppose there hasn't been any changes with Harry while Lupin and I were gone?" Severus
asked Granger awkwardly. He wasn't used to speaking to her this civilly before. Granger
turned a bit pink, most likely thinking the same thing.

"Not yet, but Madam Pomfrey doesn't seem worried."

Severus nodded, his eyes on his unconscious son. He put his hands in his pockets, feeling the
beaded bag and remembering why he was speaking to the know-it-all girl. Severus took the
bag out of his pocket, staring down at it for a moment, its beads glinting in the light of the
lanterns. This was probably going to be the last time he would ever lay eyes on it,
remembering vividly of his mother carrying it around. He could feel Granger watching him
curiously, pulling him out his bittersweet memories.

"I… I should go… You deserve some alone time with Harry," Granger suddenly said, getting
up and packing away her books inside of her messenger bag.
And just as she was leaving…

"Granger, wait," Severus said, he silently handed her the bag.

"Professor Snape…what?" Granger looked at the offered bag with confusion, then her brown
eyes traveled up to his face.

"Don't open it yet… You'll know when the time is right. No questions. Don't tell anyone you
have it, just take it and have it with you everyday for now on. I promise you, it is safe."

Granger nodded, taking the bag and stuffing into her own bag.

Severus then drew his attention away from Granger and onto Harry, her footsteps leading
towards the doors and echoing from outside the hospital wing until she was gone.

Feeling a bit choked up from giving away his mother's beaded bag, Severus quickly drew
some room dividers around Weasley's bed, casting a Silencing Charm around him for privacy.

An hour had passed of Severus sitting on the chair Granger had occupied before he arrived,
and Harry still hadn't woken up yet. He was trying not to worry about it when the sound of a
door opening along with soft footsteps broke the silence of the hospital wing. Severus didn't
turn around to see who it was, he didn't need to. He would know the sound of that walk
anywhere. Severus felt his warm and comforting presence behind him just before a gentle
hand rested on his shoulder. Severus reached up and covered that hand with his own, feeling
his body sagging with relief, turning his head enough to see Remus peering down at him.

"Remus…"

"Any change?" Remus nodded his head towards Harry. He then moved away, sitting on the
edge of Harry's bed. Severus felt the absence of his touch.

"No, but Poppy isn't worried," Severus answered back.

"Okay, I guess we just have to wait until Harry is ready."

Remus kept his gaze on their kid and they waited together with a terrible heavy silence
between them, that neither of them could seem to find the courage to break just yet.

And when it felt like almost another hour had passed, Severus couldn't take it anymore. He
said so quietly, he was sure Remus was only able to hear him because of his werewolf
hearing, "Darling…"

Remus turned his body towards him, his hazel eyes full of hurt that caused Severus' heart to
ache.

"Can we talk about our quarrel?"

Remus only nodded, signaling for Severus to go first.

"What you've told me, I'm sorry you feel that way, I truly am, Remus, I've been keeping
things from you and I see that it's hurting you… I'm not surprised at all that this argument
blew up in our faces."

Remus shook his head, shyly running a hand through his hair. "It's okay, I was a bit irrational
earlier… I know you don't have a choice against the word of Albus Dumbledore… It's just
hard sometimes, and you were being so moody and closed off this morning… I lost my
patience. I apologize for pressuring you into speaking."

"You weren't being irrational, you were right to feel that way. You are missing a huge part of
me, and I understand how much that can hurt, can make you feel casted away… I did tell you
that we are a team, but when you're feeling that way, we are not… I lied to you…" Severus'
voice cracked, his heart aching with what he was about to apologize for, shame coursing
through him. The ghost of his father showed through Severus today and he never wanted to
allow that to happen again.

"Remus, I apologize for being rough with you on the Quidditch stands. I had no right
grabbing you like that…"

Remus met his gaze and said dismissively, "You were just freaked with what might've been
overheard…"

"Yeah, but that doesn't matter. The way you looked at me after… I should not have laid a
hand on you like that. I'm not even going to ask for your forgiveness for my actions, just that
I want to tell you that I deeply apologize and it won't happen again."

"I've already forgiven you…" Remus said softly, reaching over and grabbing Severus' hand.
"Let's just forget it ever happened."

"Can I ask you something?" Severus said quietly, afraid to hear the answer that would only
cause him more guilt.

Remus nodded.

"When I grabbed you, the way you flinched… Did I accidentally trigger you…the way they
handled you in that cellar… Did I remind you of that?"

Remus only looked away, his eyes seeming a bit far away for a moment. Severus felt himself
breaking with shame. He intertwined his fingers with Remus', trying to bring him back to the
present.

"I won't ever hurt you like that, it won't ever happen again," Severus promised, his voice full
of guilt.

No matter how angry he felt at Remus today after their argument, Severus couldn't get
Remus' reaction of Severus grabbing him so roughly, for speaking to him so viciously out of
his mind, no matter how hard Severus tried to keep himself occupied all day. The way Remus
had flinched, the way he looked at him, it kept coming back and Severus doubted it would
ever go away. "I'm not my father."

Remus finally drew his gaze back to Severus. "You are very far from who your father was,"
he said. "I bet he'd never taken account of his actions towards you and your mother."

"No, he always made it seem as if it were our fault for why he'd chosen to beat us."

"Severus, promise me one thing."

"Anything."

"When we get the chance, I want you to tell me more about your life growing up with your
parents. Remember after the last Quidditch match, our walk up the hill before we kissed?"

Severus nodded.

"Remember what I asked of you?"

"You wanted me to open up, you wanted to know everything about me."

Remus nodded, "If you're looking for a way to make up for being rough with me, then that is
what I want."

"Then I will do that… How about tomorrow? During our rescheduled Hogsmeade date?"

Remus smiled, "I would like that… But it doesn't count as my birthday present."

"Oh, of course not my silly wolf, I have something else planned."

Remus laughed. He laughed because of Severus, and it made his heart thud against his chest.

They were going to be okay, Severus thought with relief.

The ugly storm of their argument was finally beginning to clear away, letting in a few rays of
sunshine… But Severus still had some things left unsaid….

Severus lifted Remus' hand and kissed the center of his palm. Remus fixed him with his hazel
gaze, the laughter still dancing in his eyes and Severus knew that with what he was about to
say would chase it all away, and it pained him to do it, but it had to be done if he wanted the
sun to shine through the storm clouds.

"Darling, I'm not choosing to be silent on purpose. It is all because of Albus and my position
in the war. I do it because if anything accidentally slips and blows my cover, I'm a dead man,
and things would be affected greatly for our side. If anything slips that can even possibly lead
back to you, that is what I fear most of all. I'm especially silent with you because I'm trying to
protect you. You are the one good thing this war hasn't taken from me and I can't bear it if
that happens."
"I don't need protecting, Severus, I need us to be equals. I need to be let in as much as I'm
allowed, not completely casted away. I don't care about the details of why you and Albus
were arguing. I understand I'm not privy to that information, but I know it was why you were
so late in coming home that evening just before Christmas break ended. Harry and I were
very worried, and when you returned you didn't say anything. You could've just told me that
you and Dumbledore quarreled and left it at that…

And last night, instead of disappearing, you could have just sent me a message saying you
two quarreled again and that you needed space…

That's all I'm asking…communication…truth when you're able to give it…"

Severus nodded his understanding… He could do that… "Remus…"

"Yes, Severus?"

"I apologize for standing you up, for lying, for what I said to you about Vector and Tonks, it
was wrong of me to get upset at you for spending your afternoon with them. I admit I do get
jealous of their attention to you, but I cannot help it at times. You're beautiful and brilliant
and for some reason, you love me. I can't help but feel at times that their company matches
your aura perfectly, more than me… The people in this castle always wonder why we are
friends, I hear the whispers in the corridors and the staff table, but they don't wonder about
you, Tonks and Vector."

Remus gave him a small and exasperated smile. "Severus, love, at the end of the day, I just
want to be with you, not them. Don't ever fear me leaving you for them. I don't care what
others think as well, that Tonks and Vector being my friends makes more sense than me being
friends with you. They don't know you like I do, they don't know us."

"You know, I was right about people always seeming to fall in love with you, I'm a victim to
your enchantments, the only bastard lucky enough to have you falling for me as well."

"You may believe that, but I don't," Remus snorted with disbelief.

Severus snorted back, "I'm sounding so fucking sappy right now because of you, if that
doesnt prove it…"

"Ugh, fuck, tell me about it… Can you two fucking stop…" Harry suddenly mumbled,
causing Severus and Remus to whip their attention onto their son.

"Harry!" Severus said with surprise, getting out of the chair and moving to his side.

Remus turned himself back towards Harry. "How are you feeling, cub?"

"I feel… I feel like I'm going to kill McLaggen!" Harry gritted through his teeth, his eyes
slowly opening as he drew a hand to his bandaged head. "How long have I been out?"

Severus placed Harry's glasses on him. "For hours. It's way past dinner now."

"So, the match is definitely over then?" Harry dejectedly asked.

"I'm so sorry, Harry," Remus said with sympathy.

"We lost, didn't we?"

Remus nodded.

Harry swore and Severus allowed it this time, just this once because Harry deserved to let out
some steam. He was hit in the head with a bludger by a Keeper that couldn't stay by the
goalposts. A stupid accident that shouldn't have happened.

"In all seriousness, how are you feeling physically, son?" Severus asked.

"I have a pounding headache."

"I'll go get Poppy," Remus said, getting off the bed and heading towards her office.

Once Madam Pomfrey arrived and explained to Harry the seriousness of his injuries and that
he was confined to rest in the hospital for another day, she kicked Severus and Remus out,
saying it was time for Harry to get some rest and that they could visit him tomorrow morning.

Harry had pleaded to be allowed to rest in his bedroom in Severus' quarters.

"It's Remus' birthday tomorrow. How are we going to celebrate it if I'm stuck here?"

"That can wait!" Madam Pomfrey scolded. "Your rest is more important than a party, I'm sure
Remus understands."

"I certainly do, cub, I'll tell you what…" Remus leant over and whispered something to
Harry, who smiled and stopped complaining about being released right away.

Severus narrowed his eyes at their mischief. Madam Pomfrey only rolled her eyes at them,
then glaring at Severus who could only shrug. Severus had already learned long ago that once
Remus and Harry were in Marauder mode, there was no stopping them.

Once the hospital wing doors closed behind them, Severus turned towards Remus who smiled
at him and said, "My quarters or yours?"

"Mine are closer," Severus suggested.

"Lead the way then," Remus said, daring to take Severus' hand when anyone could pass by
and see them, but at the moment, Severus didn't worry about that. It was past curfew already
and most of the faculty were all in their quarters.

"Severus," Remus said as they entered the dungeons.

"Yes, darling?"

Remus smiled sheepishly and said, "I'm sorry for telling you to jump off of the Astronomy
tower. If you would have done that, I would've missed you very much."
Severus laughed at that. "No worries, and I'm sorry for telling you to piss off."

"Are we done with quarreling, now?" Remus chuckled. "Because I really do miss you, dear."

Severus' voice softened as he said, "I miss you, too. We're done." He fought the urge to pull
Remus close to him and kiss him, but they were already risking enough by holding hands.

Remus looked at him longingly and Severus knew he was also fighting the urge to kiss him.

"I'm really relieved that our kid is going to be okay. That was so close, Severus, we could've
lost him today… I was so scared."

"Yeah, I know… I was scared to death, too… Did you hear that crack when the bludger hit
him? I can't get the sound out of my head."

"Yeah, it was terrifying. It was quick thinking for you to slow down his fall."

Severus humbly brushed away the compliment. "If it weren't for you, Harry would have been
in worse shape than he is now. You got there so fast, taking care of the blood flow and getting
him on the stretcher."

"Madam Hooch helped," Remus shrugged. "You really laid it into McLaggen, didn't you?
You went full-on papa bear," Remus laughed, causing Severus to roll his eyes.

"I did not, you silly wolf," he muttered.

They finally entered Severus' quarters, the portrait door shutting behind them as they stepped
inside, finally granting them the privacy and safety from anyone walking by and seeing them
so comfortable together.

Severus wasted no time in pulling Remus into a tight hug, burrowing his face into the crook
of his neck and shoulder, inhaling Remus' sweet scent and kissing his soft skin, enjoying the
feel of his boyfriend in his arms again after going hours without seeing him, touching him,
holding him and kissing him.

Hearing his voice, his laugh, that smile and those hazel-green eyes…

Merlin, Severus missed him…

And if he couldn't bear to last a day without being in Remus' presence, how was Severus ever
going to survive the absence of Remus once Albus' task was complete?

"Remus, darling," Severus muttered against him, muffling his voice. He kissed Remus' neck.
"Let's don't ever fight again."

Remus let out a soft laugh, causing his body to move up and down a bit.
Severus clung onto him even tighter. The thought of him not being able to hold Remus like
this whenever he wanted to was making him clingy, and he didn't care how that made him
look.

"You know that's impossible, love, even for us… Quarreling is healthy for relationships,
sometimes it's needed for them to grow and become stronger," Remus said as he shifted a bit
so that he was able to lift Severus' head away from his neck, covering Severus' face with soft
kisses.

Severus closed his eyes, enjoying every touch of those lips against his skin. Remus then
leaned his forehead against Severus' own. "You know what's the best part of arguing?"
Remus flirtatiously whispered close to his ear, his warm breath causing Severus to shiver.

Severus' voice shook, his stomach dropping and twisting with pleasure and nerves. "And
what is that, darling?"

Remus kissed Severus' ear, licking the soft shell, his tongue slowly tracing the shape of it,
letting out another warm breath then kissed the gentle skin underneath his earlobe. Remus
then began to nibble at Severus' lobe, making Severus shiver with pleasure.

A soft moan escaped him, "Baby…"

"Make-up sex," Remus whispered, letting go of his ear and capturing Severus in a deep and
slow kiss, his hands holding Severus' face in place.

Severus deepened the kiss, then suddenly without warning, lifted Remus up. Remus straddled
his legs around Severus' waist, making him higher than Severus, never breaking the kiss.
Remus wrapped his arms around his neck as Severus blindly took him to the bedroom.

When they got there, Severus gently laid Remus down among the pillows and sheets, his
hazel eyes finding him, full of want and lust, that it almost took all of Severus' self-control to
not tear off all of Remus' clothes and ravish him.

Severus took off his outer robes, tossing them on his desk chair, then the rest of his own
clothes. He climbed over Remus, who placed his hands on Severus' hips.

"Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?" Severus whispered, purely entranced by
Remus.

Remus only swallowed nervously.

"Are you nervous, darling? You're shaking."

"I just need you…" Remus whispered, suddenly pawing at Severus' pants, trying to unbuckle
them.

"First, can I show you how much I love you?" Severus asked.

Remus stopped, his eyes dilated.

The look he gave to Severus was enough to make him go hard. Remus knew what he was
suggesting, he'd once asked Severus that before going down on him for the first time,
showing Severus something so wonderful….

Severus breathed. "Do you have any idea how mad you make me with just one glance of
those beautiful hazel eyes of yours?" He leant down, nuzzling Remus' chin so he could have
access to his neck, covering the sensitive skin of his Adam's Apple with a series of loving and
passionate kisses.

"Severus," Remus was panting. "Severus, please…"

Severus pulled off Remus' outer robes, tossing them to the desk chair with his own. Then
started to slowly take off the rest of his clothes, starting with his brown vest and tie,
unbuckling his pants and pulling them off, leaving Remus only in his underwear, revealing
the tent caused by his hard member underneath the fabric. Severus slowly pulled those off
too, kissing every inch of skin he could reach as Remus was finally completely naked
underneath him.

Severus moved his gaze up and down Remus' body and began to kiss his lips, then slowly
trailed down to his neck, his chest, licking a hardened pectoral, sucking and nipping all the
way down, paying extra attention to each scar and blemish. Then Severus stopped, looking
up and catching Remus' eyes that were dark with pleasure, he swiped a tongue over his own
lips slowly then leant down and took Remus into his mouth, suckling him and enjoying the
moans of pleasure coming from Remus, enjoying the taste of him.

And just when Remus began to shake from being so near to completion, his breaths coming
out faster and heavier, panting Severus' name over and over, his fingers tangling in Severus'
hair, Severus began to go faster, inserting a finger into the entrance of his butt. The invasion
caused Remus to orgasim immediately.

Remus screamed out his release, arching his back. With a grunt, Severus kept going, greedily
swallowing the warm liquid… He then stopped, reaching back up and giving Remus a deep
kiss who moaned and cried into his mouth. He leaned his forehead against Remus' once he
was done, his body loosening from his release. Their warm breaths mingling together.

Severus gave Remus a moment until he inserted himself into him, laying on top of Remus
and thrusting into him, holding Remus close against him, kissing him over and over and over
again, whispering sweet nothings into Remus' ear and kissing his face, hoping this tender
moment could erase away the ugly storm that rumbled between them today.
 Once In A Blue-Moon
Chapter Summary

Enjoy your Saturday read! 💕

Chapter Thirty - Once In A Blue-Moon

"Two cold butterbeers and yours, of course, Remus, is on the house," Madam Rosmerta said
as she placed the glass tankards in front of Remus and Severus.

"Ah, your very kind Rosmerta, you really did not have to do that," Remus smiled politely,
feeling his cheeks warm a bit. He caught Severus' eye from across the table. The corner of his
lip rose up in a small smirk, and Remus knew a blush was dusting his cheeks.

It was the first smile Severus had done all morning, he was very quiet and seemed very
nervous, and he kept a hand in his pocket the whole walk up here. Remus asked him if he
was okay several times and only received a reassuring kiss each time.

"Oh, of course I do, sweets, it's your birthday after all and are you sure you don't want to
celebrate it with a shot of firewhiskey? It'll be on the house of course," the barmaid offered
with a wink.

Remus felt his cheeks warm a bit more, aware of Severus' dark gaze still on him. "That's very
kind of you, but I'm afraid I'll have to turn that down. No more drinking for me for the
foreseeable future."

"That's too bad, love, I haven't seen you, Tonks and Vector in here for quite a while now, it'll
be nice to see you three again, you really know how to liven a place up."

Remus laughed, shyly running a hand through his hair at her compliment. His face felt like it
was on fire now, "We'll be here again soon."

"I'll be looking forward to it, now, what would it be, lads?"

Remus picked up the menu, scanning over the entrees, "Fish and chips, hold the tartar please.
Thank you, Rosmerta."

"Anything for you, Remus, dear," she answered back with a wink, writing his order down.

Severus then handed the barmaid the menus, saying, "I'll have the same thing."

"Got it," she said, writing that down. "And Remus, if you do change your mind about that
shot, all you have to do is wave me over."
"I'll keep that in mind," Remus said, picking up his butterbeer and taking a long sip.

Madam Rosmerta then walked away to place their order. Remus put down his butterbeer, his
eyes finding Severus' again, who was staring at him with a raised eyebrow.

"What?" Remus said.

"Remember what I said? Everyone who associates with you, loves you," Severus teased.

"Oh, Severus, that is not true…"

Severus shook his head with amusement, picking up his butterbeer and taking a drink.

"She just remembers me coming here a lot with the Marauders as a boy, then I was here quite
a few times with Tonks and Vector. I'm just a regular."

"Hmmm…" Severus said, putting down his tankard. "Don't believe me then, but it's funny…
I don't recall her saying a single word to me…"

Remus laughed at that. "I mean… I don't blame her… You're scary sometimes, Severus," he
teased, giving his boyfriend a wink.

"Good," Severus scowled. "I don't like being bothered by people."

Remus laughed again, causing Severus to smile softly at him.

"Let's toast for your birthday, and another month of no drinking," Severus suddenly
announced, raising his tankard of butterbeer to Remus.

Remus smiled as he raised up his own tankard and they clinked them together.

They then both made a bit of small talk, quietly flirting a bit until their food came.

Remus' eyes widened with the extra chips on his plate, compared to Severus' underserved
portion. As Rosmerta put down the plates in front of them, Severus shot Remus a pointed
look, and he knew that meant: I told you so!

Remus just shook his head with exasperation and amusement, kindly thanking Rosmerta once
more before she left them again.

"What did you say to Harry yesterday?" Severus asked, once they were done with their food.

Remus was just finishing up the last of his butterbeer as he answered, "I promised him that
we would sneak in some cake and show Ron some muggle board games… A secret birthday
party." The mischief danced in his hazel eyes, and for a moment, Severus felt sudden anger at
Greyback for dimming it out.

"Let's see how long we can get away with that until Poppy kicks us out." Severus stood up,
"I'll get the bill, then we can pick up the cake at Honeydukes."
"You already ordered it?" Remus grinned as he put on his tan cardigan over his buttoned-
down shirt. "Is it chocolate?"

Once they picked up the cake and it was put under a stasis spell and shrunk and tucked safely
away in Severus' pocket, they made their way back to Hogwarts, walking slowly and
enjoying the early spring day together. It was clear blue skies with a slight chill on the breeze.
Remus was trying to get Severus to let him have a peek at the cake, but he wouldn't give in.

They then stopped at a wooden fence with the Shrieking Shack in the distance, both of them
stopped and turned to each other with soft adoring smiles, remembering what had happened
the last time they walked up on this hill.

"Do you want to take a break?" Severus asked.

Remus nodded, leaning against the fence, his eyes on the Shrieking Shack and the view of the
forest and hills around it.

"I think… It's time for you to uphold your promise to me," Remus said, then turned his head
to see Severus looking at him, strands of his dark hair being stirred by the breeze, a frown on
his face, those dark eyes suddenly looking haunted. "But only if you feel ready," Remus
added. "I don't want to pressure you into talking about your past when you're not ready yet."

"No, don't worry about that, I'm okay sharing it all with you. I've already opened up about
some of it with Harry… What do you want to know?"

"How about the beginning," Remus suggested, tucking a strand of hair behind Severus' ear.
"Growing up with your parents and how they were with you, I can tell you about my
childhood as well if that makes it easier."

Dark eyes considered Remus, then Severus took a deep breath and began to tell Remus about
the father he used to have before he became the abuser Severus grew up with. The day
Severus' accidental magic kicked in and how it changed their lives forever. He told Remus
about his mother and how beautiful and smart she was, brilliant in the art of potion making.
The only one who was ever on Severus' side, and how she became a shell of her former self,
a ghost from the cruel hands of his father. Severus told Remus about meeting Lily. The days
they spent together and how she was there for him when no one else was. The dark days of
being misunderstood, bullied, losing Lily, his mother’s death, joining the Death Eaters, the
horrors he experienced, and everything else leading to the promise for Lily, of taking care of
Harry…everything… Then once he got to the parts of the prophecy and Lily's death…
Severus stopped.

"I can't anymore…" he whispered, his body shaking.

Remus gathered him into his arms, kissing his face. "It's okay, thank you for telling me, baby,
I love you so much."

Severus' eyes softened at the term of endearment and captured Remus in a deep kiss so gently
and tenderly.
Once they ended the kiss, Remus asked, "What was that for?"

"For not letting me push you away, for letting me open up to you and for listening to me
prattle on about my tragic past. It's your birthday, this day should be about you, not me."

"I know, but I wanted this… Knowing you a bit more… That's all I wanted for my birthday,
and you also want me to tell you about my past, so don't feel too bad about it."

"Well, I have one more thing for you…" Severus' voice was suddenly wrecked with nerves as
he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small box, handing it to Remus.

"Severus, love, you really didn't have to," Remus said with shock, taking the small box.

"Well, I saw it and I did… I was supposed to give it to you that night. I had a whole evening
planned for you and I ruined it, then I forgot the reason for the date… I was such a prick to
you, I'm so sorry for hurting you like that, darling."

"It's okay," Remus forced himself to calmly say, his eyes on the small velvet box with
shock… His heart was thumping hard and fast against his ribcage. It was a ring box… "It's all
behind us now."

"Go on, open it," Severus urged, his voice had a slight tremble to it.

"Why are you so nervous?" Remus asked, his voice coming out just as shaky, opening the
small box then suddenly finding out why. He gasped at the jewelry nestled into the velvet.

"Severus, I can't…" He suddenly felt his eyes stinging, welling up with tears from what was
inside. "I can't accept this… It's…" The fact that anyone would buy him something as
beautiful and priceless as this… "It looks expensive, I can't…'' But it really was beautiful, the
sun causing it to shine brilliantly against the dark velvet. It was a black ring with a silhouette
of a silver wolf howling at the moon. If he did accept it, it would be the most beautiful and
expensive thing in his possession… But the worth of it didn't matter at all… It wasn't that…
It was the meaning behind it.

"That doesn't matter, do you like it?" Severus' voice shook. "Don't worry, it's not really silver,
only tungsten and white gold…"

"Oh, Severus, I really do love it. How could I ever thank you for something as beautiful as
this…and it has a wolf on it!" Remus exclaimed, interrupting Severus' nervous rambling as
he examined the intricate detailing on it.

Severus smiled at that, his nervousness seeming to fade away as Remus gushed over it.
"Here, let me put it on you." He took the box back, carefully taking out the small ring and
then taking Remus' hand into his own.

"Remus, this ring…" Severus hesitated, his dark eyes meeting Remus' own.

Remus couldn't help but wonder if Severus was proposing, he wasn't sure of his answer to
that. He loved Severus with all of his heart, his soulmate… But Remus didn't want to trap
Severus into a marriage with a werewolf. He couldn't do that to him, and he wasn't sure if
Severus would understand that. It would just be seen as a clear rejection… But what if
Remus ignored all of that and just said yes? It was what his heart really wanted. Could
Remus really be that selfish?

Severus was studying Remus' face, reading the emotions passing through him, causing him to
smile brilliantly, lighting up the nervous energy between them. At that moment, Severus
never looked more beautiful to Remus, and if he asked him right in that moment to marry
him, Remus would say yes before he could even process it. His knees were suddenly weak at
the thought. "Don't worry, darling, this isn't a marriage proposal. Merlin knows if we are both
ready for that right now… This is just a promise to you…"

Remus let out a watery smile and a sigh of relief… "Not yet, my dear, but maybe one day?"

Severus' eyes warmed at the thought, placing a hand at the back of Remus' neck and pulling
him close, causing their foreheads to touch, kissing Remus softly and whispering, "This is a
promise that I will always love you. No matter what this war brings, the arguments it may
cause between us or if we should ever find each other apart, I'll always find my way back to
you. Nothing would ever change how I feel about you… My soulmate."

Remus felt his throat closing up at the statement. Soulmates… Warm tears finally made their
way out and down his cheeks. "Severus," Remus choked out.

Severus pulled away, wiping his tears away with a calloused thumb, then went down on one
knee and slid the ring onto Remus' finger, the one meant for wedding rings, as if he were
proposing… He then kissed it, the black tungsten and white gold glimmering in the sunlight.
"Now you have a part of me wherever you go, just as I have a part of you," Severus said,
taking out the wooden wolf pendant from underneath his robes.

Remus pulled Severus back up to his feet and into a deep, deep kiss, this time tears were
falling endlessly down his cheeks and once they pulled apart, he whispered against Severus'
lips, "I love you so very much."

"I love you too," Severus whispered back. "Happy birthday, my darling." And he captured
Remus' lips into another slow and passionate kiss.

"Oh, Merlin, this chocolate cake, Severus, I think I would happily die if it meant I could have
another bite," Remus sighed happily, causing Harry and Ron to laugh from their beds.

Remus and Severus were both sitting in chairs besides Harry's bed. The chocolate cake was
on Harry's night table along with their bottles of non-alcoholic sparkling cider to celebrate
Remus' birthday.

Madam Pomfrey, sighing at them with feigned annoyance, had decided to turn a blind eye on
their small party and focus on some of her paperwork for just a few hours in her office after
the pleading look Remus gave to her when he and Severus had entered the hospital wing with
board games and provisions; but not without taking a piece of offered cake from Remus.

"Only a bite, papa?" Remus caught Ron whipping his head towards Harry in shock from the
parental term. "How about you just get another slice, it's your birthday after all."

Remus decided to not pay any attention to Ron's shock and the way Harry blushed a bit when
he realized he let himself slip in front of his friend.

"You're right, Harry, what am I saying?"

"There would be no dying for anyone tonight," Severus muttered. He was closer to the night
table than Remus was, and so he sliced another generous piece of cake and dumped it onto
Remus' empty plate.

"You're the best, Severus, really you are," Remus grinned. "Have I ever told you that?"

"Eat your cake," Severus only said, his eyes purposely avoiding Ron who was now gaping at
their interaction from his bed, a plate with half-eaten cake in his hands.

"Blimey, Harry," Ron said faintly, "You've really got yourself a family now, haven't you?"

"Why are you still surprised by this, it's been months!" Harry said to his best friend.

"Yeah, but I've never really seen all three of you together, haven't I? And Snape is so…"

Severus glared at him, causing Ron to falter.

"Spill it, Weasley," Severus ordered.

"Different," Ron gulped, then busied himself with finishing up his cake, his ears now flaming
red.

Severus only rolled his eyes, and Remus could sense the uncomfortableness coming off of
him in waves from having Ron with them. It was hard enough for Severus to completely
open up with Harry and Remus, but when others were present, he usually stayed quiet.

Remus intertwined his fingers with Severus', keeping their joined hands out of sight from
Ron. He chanced a quick glance at Severus to find him looking at Remus from the corner of
his eye.

"Come on, Harry, let's show Ron how to play Battleship," Remus suggested, taking the
attention off of Severus who thanked Remus with a gentle squeeze of his hand.

They had ended up playing a few rounds. Once Ron had gotten the hang of how to play, he
proved a worthy opponent against Remus that left them playing one on one together with
Severus and Harry watching on the sidelines.

Remus, of course, won, and it wasn't long until Ron had fallen asleep after a very intense
conversation on McLaggen ruining Gryffindor's chances of winning the Quidditch cup.
Remus had made both of the boys feel a bit better by convincing them that they still had a
chance for the cup as long as they beat Ravenclaw by over three-hundred points.

"He just knocked out, didn't he?" Remus said to Harry as Severus wasted no time in placing
room dividers around Ron's bed, along with a Silencing Charm. Severus had said it was to
prevent Ron from waking up from their talking, but Remus knew it was because Severus
wanted privacy that would allow him to finally feel comfortable enough to be himself around
Remus and Harry.

"He gets tired easily, that's why he's been in the hospital wing for so long. Madam Pomfrey
said we could both get released tomorrow."

Severus sat back down beside Remus. "Harry, why were you late to the game? We saw you
bolting at full speed to the changing rooms," he asked.

"I got caught up with talking to Ron, and I would've made it on time, but I ran into Draco. We
had another row and he wouldn't talk to me," Harry explained with his voice full of hurt and
frustration. "And when he was leaving, I had the invisibility cloak, I could've followed him to
find out what he's been doing to disappear off of the map… And if I would've known that the
game was going to be a disaster… I should've just followed him… The whole game was just
a waste."

"And then leave your team waiting?" Remus said. "A captain has to stand by his team
through every loss as well as every win, you know that, Harry. You, as a captain, made the
right choice in choosing the match over Draco."

"But I feel like I've failed him," Harry choked out.

"Son, what did I tell you about Draco? What do I keep telling you?" Severus said sternly.

"To leave him be, let you handle it," Harry said with his voice full of frustration. "But it
wasn't partly just because of the task… He kissed…" Harry stopped his face turning bright
red, as red as Ron's ears had turned earlier.

"Harry," Severus said sternly.

Remus furrowed his eyebrows with curiosity, wondering what on earth Harry was just about
to say.

"Draco and I kissed," he muttered his confession with embarrassment.

"You what?!" Remus said with shock, wondering if he heard Harry right. Severus' eyes
widened with the same shock Remus was feeling, confirming that he did.

"We kissed!" Harry hissed, hiding his face with his hands. "Can we not talk about this!"

"That's why you were asking about me and Sirius…" Remus said with clarity mixed with
disbelief, remembering that morning in the kitchen of the cabin as they were making Severus
breakfast. Remus had wondered why Harry was so curious about the topic of friends
becoming lovers. "Harry, are you interested in…"
"I don't know!" Harry shouted.

"Hey, kid," Severus warned. "There's no need to speak to Remus that way."

"Sorry…" Still covering his face with his hands, Harry took a deep breath, then put his hands
down. "I just don't know, okay, it happened so fast and I admit I was a bit curious about it
afterwards that I let him kiss me again, but Draco's been acting like such a dickhead after
that, worse actually, and I still like Ginny… I almost bloody kissed her during practice on
Friday before Dean interrupted us… Yesterday in the corridor, it wasn't just about his task
and what he's been doing, it was also about that… I wanted answers and he wouldn't talk to
me. I just don't understand why Draco would do that, then just push me away again. I don't
even think he's putting up an act anymore, I think he really hates me… Ever since that kiss,
he's been more distant and intense…"

"I'm sure he's just as confused as you are, cub, I don't think he hates you… Teenage boys just
suck when it comes to those types of things…" Remus said, remembering how long it took
for him and Sirius to even admit to themselves and then to each other that they were fancying
each other, how confused they were and how they couldn't talk to each other about their
feelings, leading to arguments.

Harry only sighed out with frustration, "And I thought girls were harder."

"Kid, look at me and your papa," Severus said sternly, quietly.

Harry slowly raised his embarrassed and hurt green gaze to them.

"Draco is still the same boy he was the summer he stayed with us. Remember that he did
warn you he was going to have to put up an act and pretend that he still hates you. He's only
doing all this to protect himself and you, don't forget that possibility no matter how horrible
he's being right now…"

Harry let out a huff of frustration.

"And Remus is right," Severus continued. "Teenage boys are horrible when it comes to
feelings and crushes. I was horrible to your mother, especially when she was around your
dad. Draco is most likely just as confused about kissing you as you are of being kissed by
him. Imagine having to deal with that, the Dark Lord's task and the guilt of pushing you
away? I'm certain he doesn't hate you, and stepping back and leaving him alone, isn't you
giving up on him. You're doing the best thing for him, giving him space and letting me and
Dumbledore handle his situation."

Remus saw a brief flicker of guilt in Harry's eyes, but it was gone before he could even
process it, and Remus figured he might have just read Harry wrong.

"If it makes you feel better, kid," Severus continued with a small smile. "I've been hearing
rumors about Ginny and Thomas breaking up. She certainly wasn't happy with him laughing
at you after you've gotten hit by that bludger."

Harry's mood brightened at that, seeming way more happier. "Really?" he asked.
Severus nodded, "She was here at your bedside, holding your hand."

The weeks passed and April arrived, bringing with it much warmer and clearer weather, and
also another full-moon.

Remus awoke from his completed change, feeling alert, and to his surprise, strong enough to
pull himself up slowly into a seating position.

Assessing himself for any injuries was the first thing he did, and he was surprised again and
relieved to find no open wounds or broken bones. Remus took a deep breath, taking in the
spring air that was a bit brisk due to the dawn, but not uncomfortable enough to cause him to
be too cold.

Aside from the usual weakness and sore muscles caused by the change, Remus realized he
felt okay.

It was a blue-moon… It has been quite a long time since he had one of those.

He slowly and carefully pulled himself up off the floor and sat down on the bed, summoning
over his flannel pajama pants and his old favorite Beatles t-shirt, shoes and his wand from the
top of the broken wardrobe.

Remus was just tying his shoes when Severus and Madam Pomfrey finally arrived. He
looked up at them with an exhausted smile gracing his lips, causing Severus to stop in his
tracks.

"Remus?" was all his boyfriend could choke out with surprise.

"A very good morning to you too, Severus," Remus rasped out good-naturedly.

Madam Pomfrey quickly made her way over to him; if she was surprised at Remus' alertness
and good health, she didn't show it. She began to scan over him with her wand.

"It's a blue-moon I see, dear, we haven't had one of those in a long time," Madam Pomfrey
said to Remus as she read his vitals.

"A blue-moon?" Severus asked, shaking off his frozen shock and finally moving to Remus'
side.

"It's what me and Poppy call it when I have a very rare, very good full-moon, meaning no
injuries, nice weather, and when she arrives, I'm coherent and strong enough to walk back to
the castle without needing much assistance," Remus explained. "I got the name from the old
saying, once in a blue-moon."

"How often does this happen?" Severus asked.

"It used to be a few times a year back when Remus was a lad, now… How long has it been
since the last one, Remus?"

"Harry's third year," Remus answered the school medi-witch. "I wish they can happen more
often than not like in the past, but it can never be too easy, can it? It's just best to appreciate
blue-moons when they happen."

"Hmmm, you're going to need your cane, why didn't I think to bring it?" Madam Pomfrey
scolded herself.

"Because you were expecting me to be out cold and relying on Severus to carry me out,"
Remus chuckled at Severus' raised eyebrow, his voice becoming raspier from the strain of
howling all night. "I think the good weather has something to do with this sudden blue-
moon."

Or maybe it was something…someone else? Remus cleared his throat.

"Save your voice," Severus said with affection.

"I agree with you on that, Severus… Now, hold on a second, let me summon the cane before
we start heading out."

"Blasted cane…" Remus sighed with sudden irritation. "I have no idea where it is, Poppy."

"What is with you and this unexplained irrational hatred with your cane?" Severus asked with
soft amusement as Madam Pomfrey went over to one of the boarded windows, finding one
that had a huge piece of wood missing so that the cane could fit right through when she
summoned it.

"I hardly think it's irrational," Remus argued back.

Severus snorted with amusement, reaching a hand out, and for a moment it seemed as if all
he wanted to do was to just cup Remus' cheek, the quiet relief was still showing in his dark
eyes, but with Madam Pomfrey around, Severus only held out his hand to help Remus stand
up. Remus caught the glint of the black and white-gold ring on Severus' finger. He had given
it to his boyfriend for safe-keeping last night.

The walk back to the castle was slow, exhausting Remus greatly, yet he still managed a bit of
the broth that Severus had cooked for him before falling into a deep and nightmare-ridden
sleep…

Remus was cold, very cold and he could feel a cobblestone floor underneath him and straw
that poked and stabbed him, making him itch. He opened his eyes and spotted a tiny window
with midnight-blue sky. A bright star was twinkling down on him and Remus fixed his gaze on
it. Sirius, the dog-star, the only thing that was keeping him from panicking.

A growl suddenly rumbled above him, droplets of saliva landing near his head. Remus tore
his eyes away from the dog-star and up to see red-tinted amber eyes.

Greyback?
The growl rumbled through the cabin again, causing Remus to freeze with fear, thinking of
the promised attack that would surely come. Then the wolf stepped into the silver light of the
full-moon and it wasn't Greyback. It was a large auburn wolf and the name Rowan popped
into Remus' head. At the same time, the wolf inside him suddenly called out with longing.
Remus pushed it down.

No! he silently said to it. That isn't your mate!

Howls suddenly rang throughout the cabin, Rowan joined in, throwing his head back and
letting out the loudest one among them. The wolf inside Remus joined in, howling, Remus
continued to fight it down. Stop! We're not one of them!

We're waiting for you… Do you hear us calling you, Alpha? It was many voices together.
Many wolves singing together, calling their leader to them.

The wolf inside fought harder, causing Remus to shout out with frustration and pain. Then he
felt his canines sharpen, the wolf growled out, it felt stronger, almost causing Remus to lose
control. He gasped with fright, instantly rolling away from the auburn wolf. He pulled himself
up and the world suddenly tilted and Remus was no longer in that cellar anymore.

He was running at full speed through a snowy forest with howls of a pack singing behind him.
Remus looked down at his feet, finding the stormy-gray paws of his wolf form. Before he
could react to that, he was shoved aside by the auburn wolf. Rowan gained a spurt of speed
ahead of him, looking back over his shoulder at Remus with a challenging snarl. His red-
tinted amber eyes were glowing with a mixture of lustful want, of loyalty, bloodlust and a
wildness that Remus was so afraid to let his wolf be, then Rowan looked on ahead and Remus
followed his gaze to a small group of humans that were not far ahead of them.

Suddenly the howls of the pack running behind them grew louder, wilder, excited, a song of a
good successful hunt, a promise of full-bellies and a taste of warm flowing human blood as
life departs from its body. Remus felt all of those longing feelings, the excitement of it stirred
in his belly… And looking at his mate, he threw back his head and let out the loudest howl of
them all.

Then the humans were there, so close, that Remus leaped and landed on the back of the
biggest one, sinking his fangs into its flesh. And as soon as he tasted that warm blood, Remus
screamed, letting the human fall to the ground. He screamed and he screamed. He wanted out
of his wolf's body! Wanted out! He wanted to wake up! The blood was all over him, in his
mouth and choking him, clogging up his senses and it was sticky and warm!

Screaming, Remus jolted awake, slapping a hand to his neck, feeling the raised ridges of the
scar Rowan left. He was still stuck in his nightmare, trapped and tasting the blood, smelling
the coppery scent, running alongside with Rowan and remembering the lust in those eyes,
still hearing those howls singing behind him, calling him to them, their alpha…

He swiped his tongue over his teeth, feeling the sharpness of his canines, the wolf inside him
was screaming and howling, it took everything in him to push it down. Stop!

"Remus!"
Hands were on him, and he threw himself away from their reach in blind panic. His body
broke out in a cold sweat, shivering so hard and Remus suddenly felt like he was about to be
sick. He couldn't see his surroundings, kept seeing that forest, those humans running on
ahead and Rowan beside him. He swiped his tongue over his fangs again, remembering the
blood, tasting the warm saltiness of it… Bile rose up in his throat, causing Remus to slap a
hand to his mouth to stop it from spewing out.

Something was suddenly shoved against his chest and a strong hand pulled his hand away
just in time…

"Darling, it's okay… Let it out now…"

The hand rubbed circles on his back as Remus vomited, causing him to violently cringe away
with a shout when he was finally done, wiping his mouth with his arm.

"Remus, you're getting sick all over you!"

Remus backed away, shaking harder than ever. He couldn't let those hands touch him again.
Hands that were sure to hold him tight, to beat him down into submission, hands that
promised the fiery pain of silver and potions that would make him lose his mind. Suddenly
the scent of burnt flesh was all he could smell, it was so strong he could practically taste it,
causing him to dry-heave. The hard thing was shoved under his chin again as he suddenly
threw up again until there was nothing left but bile.

"It's okay, darling, it's okay… I'm here… You're safe…" the voice kept saying over and over.
This time there were no reaching hands.

"Scourgify," the voice said again. Then it was quiet again, the only sound Remus could hear
were his painful gasps and he still couldn't see. It was so dark, so very dark and he knew
those red-tinted amber eyes were watching him somewhere.

"Here, drink some water."

He felt cool glass touch his lips, causing Remus to shout, "No! No! Don't make me forget! I
can't!" He felt invisible hands holding him down, trying to wrench open his mouth, the feel of
glass phials being pressed to his lips until everything was fuzzy. The wolf inside stopped
fighting, whimpering into submission.

The cool glass quickly left his lips. "Remus… Remus, it's okay, darling," the voice pleaded.
"No one is going to force you to do anything. It was just water."

"I can't forget, I can't… I can't," Remus gasped, his chest growing tighter.

Suddenly warm hands held his face, a scent, a familiar scent surrounded him, washing away
the blood and burnt flesh. The scent of coffee, of herbs, of shampoo… A fresh comforting
scent that was home…a cabin hidden in the woods.

"Look at me, Remus," the voice commanded.

Remus raised his eyes to the voice, his vision finally clearing and he found himself staring
into dark obsidian eyes full of concern and warmth and sorrow that grounded him. The wolf
was now nothing more but a flicker in his soul, calm and quiet….

Remus stopped fighting, stopped shouting, but was still fighting for air, his body shaking
uncontrollably.

A forehead pressed against his own.

"Keep looking at me, baby," the deep soothing voice whispered.

Remus did just that, gasping, trying to to breathe, those dark eyes…

"Severus," Remus rasped out, the tendrils of his nightmare finally releasing its dark hold on
him, seeping away and giving him clarity. He closed his eyes. "I'm sorry…" Warm tears of
shame began to run down his cheeks, he finally took a deep shuddering breath that turned
into a sob. "I'm sorry," he choked out again.

"No, no, don't you dare be sorry over this."

"I've frightened you."

"No, you did not, concerned and sad to see you like this, yes, but not frightened or even at all
bothered," Severus said so gently, causing Remus to continue sobbing. Severus didn't move,
just kept his forehead leaning against his own, kept his hands on Remus' face, holding him
steady until the last tears had finally run their course.

Remus pulled away, wiping his face and letting out another deep shuddering breath, feeling
the relief of air finally whooshing into his lungs then out.

"Let's get you cleaned up," Severus said.

Fresh from a quick shower and brushing his teeth, shakily checking over and over in the
mirror that his canines were not the sharp fangs of the wolf any longer, Remus returned to his
room, seeing that Severus had replaced the sheets while he was gone. He found that he
suddenly craved Severus' touch, his comforting presence, which was odd after a post full-
moon nightmare ridden sleep. Perhaps it was because it was a blue-moon.

Severus was standing by the door, hesitant. "I know you require your space during this
time… I know you're uncomfortable with touch, I can leave if you want me to."

Remus quickly shook his head as he changed into fresh pajamas, "Stay," was all he was able
to say, causing Severus' eyes to light up.

They both climbed back into bed and Remus instantly and shakily cuddled against his
boyfriend.

"Are you okay with me holding you?" Severus whispered gently to him. Remus nodded and
Severus pulled him close against his chest, wrapping his arm around him. "Can I kiss you?"
Severus whispered again.
Remus nodded and he felt a light and gentle kiss on his neck. They laid together in
comfortable silence. Remus intertwined his fingers with Severus' own, playing with the ring
that was still around his finger.

Severus planted another gentle kiss on his head this time, burrowing his nose into Remus'
hair, whispering, "Do you want to talk about it?"

And when Remus didn't reply, Severus shifted a bit to take off the ring and placed it back on
Remus' finger where it belonged, then lovingly kissed each finger and the palm of his hand.

Remus kept his eyes on the ring, watching it glimmer from the lantern, the silver wolf etched
into the black tungsten, reminding him of the howls from his nightmare.

"Baby… Talk to me… You're safe here in my arms," Severus whispered again. "We're a
team, remember?"

Remus sighed with defeat at Severus' coaxing.

"I was in the cellar. It was so cold and I remember just gazing at the dog star," Remus said,
his voice cracking, his body trembling from the residue of his horror that the nightmare left
him in. "Then Rowan was there standing over me and the world suddenly flipped and I was
the wolf running with its pack… Rowan was ahead of me and he was looking at me like I
was his mate and the wolves behind me were calling to me, singing to me as if I were their
leader and I could feel the wolf spirit inside me… It wanted to answer their call. It wants to
take its place as leader… I lost control of it… There was a pack of humans running from us
and I leapt and I woke up with the taste of blood in my mouth…" Remus finally gasped out,
feeling like he was going to be sick again. He closed his eyes, steadying his breathing until it
passed.

"Baby…" Severus muttered so softly.

Remus turned towards him so that they were laying side by side, facing each other.

Severus placed a hand to the side of Remus' face, caressing him, "It was only a dream. This
doesn't make you a monster, even if your wolf wants to join them. It's what it's meant to do
and to want, but you are the one in charge. You have control of your body, your mind, not the
wolf. Your eyes are still pure golden, not a trace of red if that helps."

Remus couldn't say anything in return, just gazed at Severus as he spoke to him.

"You are very human, darling, don't let them take that feeling away from you."

"Sometimes… It's hard to hold on to it… Sometimes, I feel like they already have…" Remus
choked out. "Why do they want me so badly?"

"It's like I said, everyone who has the luck to meet you, they fall in love with you, and I don't
blame them. You, Remus, darling, are first of all beautiful, and not just on the outside, but the
inside. Your heart is beautiful and human and very big and open to everyone you meet, even
after everything you've gone through. You're brilliant and talented in everything you do and
you have endless patience and kindness to everyone. You're humble and you work hard,
you're funny to be around and you have that personality, that smile that just draws people to
you, Remus, you are enchanting.

Don't allow Greyback and Rowan to take all of that from you, you are still you no matter the
things they've done…what they've made you do."

Warm tears slide down Remus' cheeks again, trailing down around his ears and to his neck.
"You really think so, love?"

"Oh, I know so," Severus said, pulling him close against him once more, enveloping Remus
into his arms and he could feel Severus' beating heart from underneath his chest. "Try to get
some sleep, I'll be here holding you, no matter how bad your nightmares get, you'll be safe."

The next time Remus woke up, he found himself alone in bed. Severus had gone and it was
just as well, he had no energy, he was moody and he couldn't stand the idea of being around
anyone, of being touched, of having to talk and be okay. He needed to be alone. Getting out
of bed seemed like such a big task to do and Remus curled himself into a fetal position at the
thought of it, snuggling into his blanket despite the warmth in the room. Feeling himself sink
further and further into his foggy mind, the flashes of nightmares and of Severus holding him
and whispering to him every time he'd woken.

Remus stayed like that for a long time, paralyzed, unable to move. He heard footsteps at one
point and his name being called…but he couldn't reply back. He didn't have the energy.

Then his quarters began to fill with the enticing scents of oatmeal and coffee, causing his
stomach to rumble, pulling him out of the fog, clearing his head enough to allow him to
finally find the will to get out of bed.

Remus threw on his favorite jeans and an oversized tan cardigan, seeking comfort in the
warm fabric that hid his body, the thinness of it, the scars… And he caught his reflection in
the mirror. He smoothed his hair, running his hands through it until it looked presentable. His
face was pale and his eyes were no longer golden. Just hazel-green eyes that were haunted
and sad, eyes of a human. He then caught the ugly scar on his neck, curling his lips in disgust
as he casted a Glamor Charm to hide it.

When Remus entered the kitchen, Severus was there to his surprise. His back was towards
Remus as he stirred a pot of oatmeal on the stovetop, then ladeling it into a bowl. He hadn't
noticed Remus entering, so Remus stepped behind his boyfriend and wrapped his arms
around his waist, his chin resting on Severus' shoulder.

"Darling," Severus turned his face a bit to him with relief and surprise in his voice. "I didn't
expect you to get up so soon."
"I smelled oatmeal and coffee, brought me out of my funk," Remus muttered. "Thank you for
being here with me…for…"

"There's no need for that, wolf."

"You must've been so worried."

"Didn't I promise to you that I'll always be by your side no matter what? This is me
upholding that," Severus said, turning around so that they were facing each other.

"Still…" Remus frowned. He then kissed Severus, wanting to show him how much he loved
him, how grateful he was of him for sticking with Remus during his darkest moments.

Once they ended the kiss, Severus reached up and moved Remus' hair away from his eyes.
"How are you feeling? I went in to check on you about an hour ago and you were pretty
much out of it."

"Is that why you're so surprised to see me?"

"I was expecting you to be like that for the day."

Remus shrugged, "Maybe it was because I had a blue-moon that allowed me to snap out of
my depression so soon. I'm still upset over my nightmares, but it's all manageable… I think I
can function today… What day is it anyway?"

"Hmm…" Severus placed a soft kiss on Remus' lips. "Thank Merlin for blue-moons…" Then
to answer Remus' question he said, "Monday morning, you slept all of Sunday away."

"That's just great," Remus sighed at the loss of his weekend. "I need coffee."

Severus turned and reached for the coffee pot, pouring it into a large mug then pouring cream
and sugar into it, just the way Remus liked it. "Don't worry about your lessons," he said,
handing it over to Remus who took the mug and inhaled the comforting scent. "Take the day
off. Vector and I can cover your classes today."

"No, I'll rather teach today," Remus said stubbornly, taking his first sip of his coffee.

"You're exhausted, wolf."

"I can't sit around, I have to keep busy," Remus replied grumpily.

Severus sighed with defeat, turning around to finish serving the oatmeal he made. "Okay, let's
have breakfast then."

Just as they were finishing up, Remus was just about to head back to his room to change into
his wizarding robes when an owl appeared outside the kitchen window above the sink,
tapping its beak rapidly against the glass.

Remus stood up to let it inside, wondering what on earth had happened to the poor owl. It
was mangy-looking, dirty with its feathers sticking up in different directions as it flew right
in and dropped a rolled up copy of the Daily Prophet onto the table and then it took off
immediately.

Remus and Severus both looked at each other with surprise and confusion, that wasn't a
normal postal owl. Before Remus could even decide if he should pick it up or not, Severus
pointed his wand and casted a few spells to reveal if there were any hexes or jinxes on it.
When he deemed it safe enough, he gestured to Remus to go ahead and open it.

The headline was the first thing Remus noticed because it was circled with a dark-red
bloodstain, making him blanch with horror and shock and he almost dropped it, but he forced
himself to read it…

A young boy was bitten last night by a werewolf, in his own bed. He was rushed to St.
Mungos, only to die from his wounds.

The world was suddenly tilting over like in his dream and he was back in that forest with that
pack of werewolves singing to their alpha. The wolf inside him began to awaken again.

"Remus, Remus?" Severus' voice called him back to reality.

Remus looked up at his boyfriend, who was watching him with a frown of concern.

"What is it?"

Remus handed Severus the newspaper and as he did that, a note fell from its pages.

"Fuck, I'm going to have to alert Albus and the Order about this," Severus said as he read the
article.

Remus picked up the note, reading the blood smeared message, and suddenly he couldn't
breathe... Breaking out in a cold sweat, Remus dropped the note and ran to the sink, dry-
heaving over it. It was Greyback. The attack was his doing, a reminder to Remus that he was
their true leader now. That they were waiting, Rowan was waiting. And there was going to be
a reminder like this every month until Remus joined them and accepted his place as Alpha. A
leader of monsters! That boy died because of me!

The wolf stirred in his soul, awake, howling from Remus' emotions.

"Darling, what is it?" Severus warily asked, looking up from the newspaper.

Remus couldn't answer, closing his eyes and gasping for air. The howls of Greyback's pack
still singing in his ears and the way his wolf had joined them in his dreams. Its loyalties had
changed from Severus and Harry as its pack, to them… Remus realized with horror.

Severus placed a hand on his shoulder, causing Remus to violently flinch away.

"Hey… Hey… It's okay, we'll get to the bottom of this."

"There's a note!" Remus growled, the wolf inside was full-on fighting Remus for control
now.
Severus looked around and found it on the floor, picking it up and cursing as he finished
reading it. "Remus, this isn't your fault. That boy's death wasn't because of you, it was
Greyback, not you!"

Remus shook his head, feeling himself falling into complete shock that it left him dazed and
before he knew it, he was running into the bathroom and kneeling over the toilet, vomiting up
everything he ate that morning.

"Remus!" Severus called out, following after him.

Without looking, Remus raised up his hand, slamming it shut and warding it, leaving Severus
to knock on the door and calling out to Remus to let him in.

And once Remus finally finished puking out his guts, with his throat on fire and his stomach
aching, he brushed his teeth to get rid of the acid and terrible taste, completely avoiding his
reflection, not wanting to see the gold in his eyes, the monster inside him.

"Remus, let me in, please… Don't shut me out," Severus said to him from the other side of
the door.

That little boy was bitten and killed because of him, even though he didn't die by Remus'
hand, even though it was Greyback who crawled into that boy's bedroom from the window
and bit him, just as he had done with Remus at that same age, Remus felt like he as good as
murdered him. Greyback did it for him. If he would have just joined the pack as their alpha,
then maybe he could have prevented that horrific attack from happening. Maybe Dumbledore
was right, Remus joining as their leader meant he had a great influence in what the pack did,
he could stop them from attacking humans if he played his cards right… But could he really
do it? Be their leader? Live like them? Eat like them? Tear them apart from the inside? Was
he brave enough, strong enough? No… He wasn't.

"Come on, darling…"

Remus didn't answer Severus. He sat down on the floor, leaning his back against the tub,
pulling his knees up to his chest and burrowing his face into his lap.

Severus didn't say anything more, but he could see his shadow from underneath the door,
could hear him sitting down against it on the other side. They sat in silence until Severus
muttered a few curse words and said, "Lessons are starting already… I have to go… Please
don't do anything rash, just get me when you decide to come out… Just know, none of this
was your fault…"

Remus stayed that way for hours. He couldn't move. The heavy fog that had paralyzed him
earlier had come back with a greater force, finally subduing his wolf away in submission
again. His heart was consumed with so much disgust, horror and self-loathing, Remus lost
sight of the light. He was trapped in darkness where the only thing he could see were red
eyes. The only thing he could hear were wolves howling and a young child crying out in
pain, a young child dying….

A knock on the door suddenly pulled Remus back to the bathroom.

"Remus, sweetheart, it's me, Tonks," Tonks called out. "Open up."

Remus buried his head deeper into his lap, wishing she could just go away.

"Come on, Remus, listen… I know you've been trying really hard to not drink anymore. But I
think this moment calls for an exception. I have a bottle of wine with your name on it."

Remus didn't know what to say to that. Wine sounded nice right about now, the thought of
just losing himself to alcohol… To get out of his own head for a few hours… He shouldn't,
he worked so hard to not drink since December and to break his streak, the disappointment of
it was another thing he didn't need at the moment, plus he couldn't help but picture Severus'
disappointment for being so weak against his vices… But the thought of that kid, dead like
Kaylie, like all the other werewolf children Remus killed while in his wolf-state-of-mind.
Another child to add to his list… And that boy's family grieving for him, that thought finally
moved Remus off of the floor. He opened the door to find Tonks peering up at him with great
concern etched into her face and in her maroon eyes, the promised wine bottle in her hands.

"Astronomy tower?" was all she asked.

Not long after, Remus and Tonks were both sitting on the floor on top of the Astronomy
tower, their backs to the wall, only because Tonks didn't think it was a good idea to drink
while sitting on a ledge that had over a hundred foot drop.

Remus didn't really speak much, so neither did Tonks. All they did was pass the bottle back
and forth, until Tonks broke the silence and said, "Snape was the one who called me over."

Surprised, Remus raised an eyebrow at her for an explanation.

"He sent an owl this morning, told me what happened and how you reacted. I'm so sorry that
this is happening, Remus."

Remus looked away, not being able to stand the pity in her voice. He took the wine bottle and
chugged a good amount of it, feeling the alcohol taking effect.

"You know it wasn't your fault, right? You didn't choose it to happen. You didn't tell them to
do it. You had nothing to do with their attack, even if they claimed it was for you," Tonks
said, watching as Remus took another generous drink of wine. "Sweetheart, you did not kill
that boy."

"Well, it sure feels like it," Remus muttered as he passed the bottle to Tonks who took a sip.
"They did it for me. If I would've just stopped hiding from them, maybe this whole thing
could have been prevented, that boy could've been alive right now!"

"Taking up Dumbledore's mission would not have solved anything!" Tonks suddenly
snapped.
"It would have stopped that boy's death!"

"No, because whether you join them or not, they are going to keep killing until they are either
dead or taken into custody!"

Remus took the bottle from her, taking a sip then handing it back.

"By who, Tonks! There was a massive breakout last year. The dementors have left their post.
Azkaban can't hold any prisoners like they used to, so don't you dare tell me that the Auror
department is doing everything in their power to stop them, not when there is no solid prison
to hold two dangerous werewolves!"

"But what about the Order! What about Dumbledore? Don't you have any faith in us?"

"Faith in Albus Dumbledore?" Remus spat, snatching the wine bottle from her. "This is
probably going to encourage him even more for me to take the mission, and you know what
is killing me right now? After that boy's death, Greyback threatened that there will be more
victims every month if I still refuse to join… I'm still choosing not to do it, I'm basically
sentencing their future victims to death!" And after he shouted that, his voice echoing in the
cool night air, he chugged down the half-empty wine bottle, finishing it off, realizing what it
would take for him to do as they wanted, the horror of his nightmares, of hunting humans,
becoming the thing he most feared, Remus felt like a coward.

"Remus! Fuck! Severus is going to murder me if you end up drunk tonight!"

"And that is correct, Tonks," Severus' voice startled both of them, causing Remus to almost
drop the bottle and for Tonks to curse.

Remus stood up, immediately finding out that Tonks was right, he was feeling woozy already,
surprising himself. He had drunk way more than this before even feeling a bit tipsy. Maybe it
was because his tolerance had lowered from not drinking for months, maybe it was because
he had been throwing up his guts all morning and hadn't had any food or water since then.

And Severus was there, looking pissed as hell, staring daggers into Tonks.

Everything was so foggy and he felt light and clumsy and he wanted to drink more… That
way he could forget everything… The boy, the poor boy, and those red-tinted amber eyes, the
ones that were always watching him, the one who his wolf spirit was always calling to… Its
new pack, its mate….

"Severus, don't be angry at her," Remus slurred, losing his balance a bit and Severus was
immediately at his side, his hand gripping onto Remus' upper arm tightly, steadying him.
Dark eyes peered intensely at him.

"Fuck, you're pissed, alright… Come on, let's get you to bed," was all his boyfriend said,
prying the empty bottle out of Remus' hands.

"Hey, don't be so rough with him!" Tonks suddenly shouted.

Bristling, Severus whipped his head towards her, "I trusted you to watch him! To make sure
he doesn't hurt himself, and I find you two drinking!" he shouted. "Don't you even care how
hard he worked to go months being sober?! Of course you don't! You miss your little
drinking buddy, don't you?"

"Severus… Please… Stop fighting…" Remus said, speaking slowly so he could speak
properly. "She's my best…"

Severus looked back at him, snapping, "Some friend she is!"

"I was only trying to help! It was the only way to get him out of the bathroom! It's better than
the worst case scenario you were so worried about when you called me!"

Severus didn't say anymore, he turned away from her, leading a stumbling Remus away and
back to his quarters in the Defense wing.

Harry had been walking back and forth, pacing the corridor, trying to get the Room of
Requirement to appear for him as the room did for Draco. The invisibility cloak was on the
floor in a crumpled heap. The Marauder's Map was open and in his hands, keeping an eye out
for Draco's dot suddenly appearing near him.

When Harry was at the hospital wing, he had ordered Dobby and Kreacher to secretly follow
Draco and find out what he's been doing to disappear off the map. He couldn't believe he
didn't think of that before and the success he had from it helped assuage his frustration over
his missed opportunity due to the disastrous Quidditch match. Just a week after his orders,
Dobby found out that it was the Room of Requirement, whoever enters it disappears off the
map, and the people Draco was seen entering the room with, Harry had figured out it was
Crabbe and Goyle using Polyjuice Potion to guard Draco. But after finding all of that out,
Harry still felt no closer to finding out what Draco was doing in there. Every chance he got
for the past weeks, he'd been coming up here to try and get the room to open as Draco's room,
but without much success at all.

Harry wondered if Severus knew about this, if he knew all along how Draco was
disappearing off the map for months, it would explain why he didn't seem bothered about it.
And if he did know, did he know what Draco was doing inside the Room of Requirement?
An ugly feeling in his stomach at the thought of Severus hiding all of this formed, but Harry
pushed it away, reminding himself that Severus had no choice in the matter. He was a spy, he
was working with Dumbledore to help Draco and that Harry had to trust Severus to do his
job, but he still hated the fact that Severus was keeping it all from him.

Harry had promised Severus that he would let Draco be, and this time Harry was going to
keep that promise. The last few encounters solved nothing, except to push Draco further
away. Harry knew that now and accepted that Draco wasn't going to open up to him. He was
letting that go… However, he hadn't said anything about stopping his own private
investigations.

Suddenly footsteps and voices interrupted the silent corridor, causing Harry to stop pacing,
tensing, ready to grab the cloak. He looked down at the map, seeing with surprise Severus'
and Remus' dots on the same floor as he, but to his relief, they were heading away from him,
towards the staircases that would lead them down to the Defense wing. They had no idea
Harry was in front of the Room of Requirement. He wondered what they were doing up here
so late, and made sure not to move an inch until he was certain they were too far away to hear
him, Severus would certainly scold Harry if he found him here.

Harry was more surprised to see Remus out of his quarters more than anything. Since the
full-moon, Remus had been absent… And with the headlines of the Daily Prophet this
morning, Harry wasn't expecting to see him any time soon. Severus and Professor Vector had
covered all of his classes today.

Harry recalled the mood Severus was in during the sixth year's Defense lessons…

Trying to get the Room of Requirement to open and losing track of time because of it, Harry
arrived late to class, only to be greeted with a short-tempered and nasty Severus Snape
instead of Remus.

There was a moment in class when Seamus Finnegan asked Severus the difference between
an Inferius and a ghost. Harry, at the time, was caught talking to Hermione and Ron, Severus
called him out on it and made him answer the question.

Harry glared at Severus, then noticing the slight twitch of his lips, the way he seemed
bothered, but not by the students, it was something else. He was acting nasty to hide his
worries and it had to be for Remus, causing Harry to worry about his papa’s absence as well,
and Harry didn’t fall for the bait like he usually did, always getting upset over Severus’ harsh
behavior in class. He understood this time, wanted to distract him, and he decided the best
way to do that was to put on a show.

He shrugged, playing it cool, quickly giving his dad a wink and said, “Well, you see, ghosts
are transparent…”

Severus scowled, interrupting him from finishing with an equally sarcastic comeback, his lip
curling up a bit as if he were trying not to laugh, quickly winking back so swiftly that no one
had noticed it but Harry.

After class was dismissed, Harry stayed behind.

“Sorry about that,” Harry smirked as he approached his dad who was clearing up Remus’
desk. “I just wanted to get a rise out of you to distract you from Remus. It was fun, just like
old times, wasn’t it?”

Severus looked at him with his dark eyes, “Your plan worked, I was fuming. You really can be
a smart-ass when you want to be, can you?”

“Ah, I can’t take all the credit now, it was mainly because of growing up with Dudley. He was
such an easy target.”

Severus shook his head with exasperation, “What am I going to do with you?”
Harry smiled, then grew hesitant as Severus asked, “Why were you late to class?”

“I had to use the loo.”

Severus narrowed his eyes, catching the obvious lie.

Harry continued speaking before he could question him anymore on his tardiness. “How’s
Remus? You only get really nasty like that in class when you two are fighting or you're
worried about him.”

And Severus seemed to finally take off his mask, deflating a bit as he sat down on Remus’
desk chair. “I’m sure you’ve read the paper this morning?”

“Yeah, of that boy being attacked by a werewolf and dying… Don’t tell me Remus is blaming
himself for that?”

Severus frowned, “It’s more than that… Greyback sent Remus a copy of the Prophet with a
nice letter to him… It was him, he did it for Remus.”

“Why?” Harry asked with shock and worry for his papa more than ever before.

Severus only shook his head with guilt and regret, “I’m sorry, son. I can’t reveal any more
than that.”

Harry sighed out with frustration at his dad’s answer, trying to understand, trying his hardest
to not speak out on how unfair this all was to be kept in the dark about everything. He
reminded himself over and over to trust Severus, that he wasn’t choosing to be silent, but was
only being forced to. Harry could see it in him, that Severus was just as frustrated about all
of this as Harry was, and seeing that, he was able to let it all go…

Harry continued to pace the corridor. Severus' and Remus' dots were now in Remus' quarters,
most likely turning in for the night now. Harry breathed out with relief from almost getting
caught by them, and not wanting to push his luck anymore, he decided to call it quits before
anyone else had decided to walk down this floor late at night. He was just picking up his
invisibility cloak when he heard his name rang out across the corridor, startling him, he
turned around to see Tonks holding her wand up and lit with a Lumos Charm.

"Tonks," Harry greeted sheepishly.

"What are you doing, isn't there a curfew?" she asked with surprise.

Harry shrugged, noticing how upset she looked. Even her question didn't have any feeling to
it, as if she didn't really care what Harry gave her as an answer. Her hair was mousy brown
and her eyes were blue and watery, her face flushed and he wondered what had happened to
her to upset her. Tonks was always so happy and cheerful, always causing everyone to laugh,
and seeing her so downhearted, it was unsettling.

"I… I was trying to see Dumbledore…" Harry quickly said.

Tonks snorted, "You may as well just head back to your dormitory before you get caught by
anyone else. We've been trying to send word to him all day. I'm sure you've read the
Prophet?"

At the mention of Dumbledore's absence, even during something as important as the deadly
headlines on the Prophet, Harry couldn't help but feel frustration and worry again, wondering
if Tonks was upset over that, knowing she was close with Remus as well, she was probably
worried for him like Severus was today. The last time Harry had seen the headmaster was
weeks ago during their last lesson. It wasn't really a lesson, Harry had failed to retrieve
Slughorn's memory and Dumbledore with great disappointment that left Harry feeling
terrible, dismissed him. There wouldn't be any more lessons until Harry retrieved it and he
wondered once that day finally arrived, how would he even find the headmaster when
something as important as a werewolf attack that was linked to Remus couldn't bring him
back to the castle?

Harry couldn't sleep that night, tossing and turning in his bed.

He was worried for Remus, he kept wondering what Draco was doing in the Room of
Requirement and thinking up more phrases to get inside the right room, he was running out
of them, nothing worked… And he kept wondering about what Severus couldn't say to him,
what made Tonks so upset tonight, making him worry more about his papa… And
Dumbledore's absence… The guilt and how he was nowhere near getting that memory still...
Harry lit up his wand, feeling the need to cut from his rising anxiety, from all the things he
had no control over… He needed control… Harry picked up the Prince's book to distract
himself, his eyes glossing over the spell written in a corner of a page: Sectumsempra: Use for
enemies….
 A Blessing And A Curse

Chapter Thirty-One - A Blessing And A Curse

Tears burned the back of Severus' eyes, his throat painfully closing up, but he shook it all
away, putting on his emotionless mask, not allowing himself to feel the hurt at being shut out
from Remus as he left his boyfriend’s quarters, stopping by his office to pick up his lesson
plans for the day and any creatures that were needed. Being pushed away like that, it was
hard and yet Severus understood that Remus needed space to process Greyback's attack on
the boy, it worried Severus to no end, every instinct was telling him to not leave him alone,
remembering how Remus had told him about being in the dark place, the darkest, lowest
form of his depression… Would this tragic incident with the boy pull Remus back under?
Severus didn't want to think about finding Remus how he'd found Harry during the summer,
lifeless on the floor, a puddle of blood and a pale hand… Severus shuddered at the memory.

He arrived at Remus' first class late with his dark mood growing more foul with each passing
second. His arms laden down with cages of creatures, lesson plans and books. The sixth year
students were all lined up against the wall in the corridor, their chatter growing silent as
Severus approached them. He nodded silently to Longbottom to open the door for him who
immediately complied with a jump of fear, seeing the nervous mess of a boy, Severus
couldn't help but roll his eyes with his best scowl.

"In, no talking, open your books to the chapter you're working on with Professor Lupin," he
demanded with a controlled and authoritative voice that had the students quickly filing into
the classroom and doing exactly as they were told. He narrowed his eyes as Weasley and
Granger passed him with Harry nowhere in sight.

Severus suppressed a frustrated sigh. The last thing he needed was Harry getting into trouble
right now. He had half a mind to cancel all of Remus' lessons for the day, but doing that
would leave his classes behind for the end-of-year exams. Severus had more pressing matters
to take care of, contacting Albus to set up an Order meeting to talk about what they were
going to do with Greyback's threat, and another painful task that Severus was not looking
forward to in the slightest, writing to Tonks to see if she could get Remus out of the bathroom
or watch him at least, make sure he doesn't do what Severus was fearing. It would at least put
his mind at ease while he went through this suddenly long and exhausting day.

Once the last of the students filed in, Severus shut the door behind him, heading straight to
Remus' desk at the front and finally relieving his arms from the cages, lesson plans and
books. He then waved his wand at the windows, shutting them close and causing the room to
be dark with only the lanterns flickering. The room was silent as he turned on the projector,
illuminating Remus' carefully written lecture on Inferi.

Just as he was at the beginning of the lecture, the door opened and his son finally stepped
inside, quickly heading to his seat beside Weasley.

Severus gave him a pointed glare, "You're late, Potter."

The lesson took forever to end, Severus was even more anxious than before, not knowing
how he was going to get through the whole day, knowing Remus was alone in the bathroom,
wondering if he was okay, if he was hurting himself or drinking… And his anxiety came out
in his temper, a nasty temper that Harry managed to diffuse.

Once the lesson ended and Harry left, taking Remus' lesson plans for the first through fourth
years to Professors Vector and Flitwick, Severus had given them to Harry to deliver for him,
another annoying task that was done, Severus quickly began to start writing letters. One to
Tonks, to come to the castle as soon as she could to watch Remus for him, to make sure he
doesn't hurt himself, briefly telling her of the events of the morning and of his fears. The
other to the Order, calling an emergency meeting after dinner, duplicating it for each
individual.

Just as he was done sending them with a house-elf to send via owlpost for him, the next class
of students came in, and just like that Severus' mood became rotten again.

The day passed painfully slow. They couldn't get a hold of Albus. The Order meeting was
just about to start and Severus was standing at the head of the long table, finding himself
having to be the one to lead the meeting, and he was resenting Albus greatly for it. What
could he be doing that was so fucking important, that not even an emergency such as this one
could bring him back to Hogwarts?

Severus cleared his throat, surveying the seated members as he prepared himself to speak,
noting that Tonks wasn't there and he hoped that meant she was with Remus. Severus
regretted not being able to find the time to check on him for hours now, the day demanded his
time, juggling his lessons and Remus', and also preparing for the meeting and trying to get a
hold of Albus. During the mid-morning break, Severus managed to find a small moment to
check on Remus, who still hadn't come out and he wasn't responding to Severus' calls. He
casted a charm over the bathroom, the one Remus always used for Harry, to alert Severus if
he leaves the room or decides to hurt himself. It hadn't gone off and that was one small thing
that lessened his worries.

"I'm sure you've all read the prophet by now," Severus spoke, his voice low, commanding
everyone's attention. The room grew silent, all eyes were on him and he hid his nervousness
of being in the spotlight.

Severus hated this, Albus should be here talking to them, commanding them on what to do
about Greyback. Severus only belonged at the headmaster's side as his own personal shadow,
quiet and ready for any advice needed… And surveying the waiting Order members, he knew
they were most likely thinking of the same thing, but he quietly resigned to the fact that
Albus wasn't gracing them with his presence tonight. Severus pushed away his resentment
and nervousness, made sure his mask was firmly in place so that none of them knew what he
was feeling, making him comfortable enough to continue without his voice shaking.
He took out the blood-stained letter that was sent to Remus this morning, giving it to Minerva
who was sitting closest to him so she could read it and pass it on.

"This attack was no accident, it was premeditated by Greyback to get Remus to join his pack,
we'd discuss what happened to him during the attack on the Burrow, the mating bite… They
want him. Remus has done research on the pack…" And Severus went into full detail of the
mating bite, deeper information on Greyback's pack and how Remus became leader to them.

Severus had to stop to wait for them to finish reacting, gasps of shock and disgust mingling
together mixed with pity for Remus to be trapped in such a horrible situation. They were all
passionately determined to do something about the threat, especially the professors and the
Weasleys, making Severus realize just how loved Remus was by all of them, a magic Remus
possessed, being loved by everyone he comes across with without having to try too hard to
win their affection. It was simply from just being himself. If only Remus could see right now
how much he means to everyone in this room, to contradict his insecurities on being a
monster.

"We must track Greyback and Rowan down before another innocent victim is attacked by
them during the next full-moon…"

The meeting went on for hours, and once it was finally over and Severus had confirmed their
agreed plan on how to find the werewolves one more time with everyone, clearing up any
leftover confusion or questions, and everyone was assigned their assignments, he was finally
free of the day's duties to go and check on Remus. Just as he was previously doling out the
assignments the alarm had gone off, alerting Severus that Remus left the bathroom. It was
hard, but he kept his composure, forcing himself to not drop what he was doing and run
upstairs to Remus. The only thing that kept Severus calm was that Tonks was with him.

He ran up the moving staircases, taking two steps at a time, his black robes billowing around
him due to his haste to get to Remus' quarters. When he arrived, to his worry and
disappointment, Remus wasn't there nor the witch. Remus' office was empty as well, and
without a second thought about it, Severus quickly made his way to the Astronomy tower. To
his immense relief that had him taking a deep breath, Remus was there with Tonks, sitting on
the floor against the wall, then Severus' relief instantly evaporated as he caught the words
coming from Tonks and spied the empty wine bottle in Remus' hands.

And he knew he was too harsh with her, that the witch was only trying to help. He knew it
must've been difficult to get Remus to open the door, and the promise of offered wine was
most likely the only thing that worked, but Severus didn't care. He trusted Tonks to watch
Remus from doing the things he feared today, and she failed him. Now Severus was leading a
stumbling and intoxicated Remus to bed.

Remus wasn't really chatty, he just kept stumbling and muttering apologies over and over.
Severus sat Remus on his bed and handed him a Sobering Potion, sitting down beside him,
watching the potion run its course until Remus' eyes were clear with self-awareness once
again. Severus silently watched Remus press his palms to his eyes with a groan of frustration
and guilt.

"I'm sorry, Severus, truly…" Remus croaked. "Don't blame Tonks, please, it was my choice."
"You weren't in the right mind to make a sound decision, that was why I had her watch you, I
trusted that witch to prevent you from drinking or doing anything else, and she failed."

Remus let out a huff of frustration, "I didn't need watching."

"You locked yourself in the bathroom, what was I supposed to do? I was worried for you,
Remus!"

Remus didn't say anything to that at first, he only seemed to cower into himself with guilt…
Then finally after a moment, he said so softly, his voice cracking with emotion, "I didn't
mean to worry you, I was just in shock… That boy, Severus, didn't deserve to die like that."

"I know…" Severus sighed, pulling a hand away from Remus' face, wanting to see his
boyfriend. He was met by hazel eyes ridden with such guilt and sadness.

Severus raised his wand and summoned a glass of water from the kitchen, handing it to
Remus who gratefully took it and sipped it slowly.

"No more apologies, we'll start over again," Severus said with sympathy. "Don't be so hard on
yourself, it's been a rough day. I admit I almost helped myself to a glass of wine during
dinner as well… I was missing you, and worried…"

Sounding completely down-hearted, Remus only let out a sigh, not saying anything, his eyes
watering a bit. Studying him, seeing his low spirits, Severus pulled the glass out of his hands
and pulled his boyfriend into his arms.

"It's going to be okay, wolf, we'll get through this. Do you want to hear about the Order
meeting today?"

Remus nodded, "Is that where you were all evening?"

They both laid down, Severus placed a few kisses on his soft lips, telling him everything that
happened and the plans that were being carried out, feeling Remus finally start to relax in his
arms as he began to put in his input.

"I want to aid in the search, I have to do something, it's better than just sitting here while the
Order goes out risking their necks for me."

"They want to, it didn't take much convincing. They all care for you."

"Hmmm…"

"Everyone who meets you, loves you."

"A blessing and a curse, love," Remus sighed sleepily.

"We're going to find them, we won't let another child die because of those blasted
werewolves," Severus vowed, feeling his own eyes start to grow heavy under Remus' gentle
series of kisses on his shoulder and collarbone.
Severus reached up and brushed aside a lock of golden hair from his eyes, then trailed his
fingers through it to rest on the back of Remus' neck, massaging the tense muscles where his
shoulders met.

"Do you want to talk about today?" he asked.

Enjoying the massage, Remus answered, "I didn't mean to worry you or act dramatically. I
just got trapped in my head, my guilt…"

"You didn't kill that boy, he was just another victim of Greyback, just like you, just like
Kaylie Porter… You know the attack was because…"

"To try and get to me… I know… I'm not going to lose my head again, so don't you worry.
I'm going to track those werewolves down if it's the last thing I do."

Still feeling guilty and wretched with himself for succumbing to his weaknesses, allowing
himself to get drunk that night with Tonks, Remus had been true to his word about keeping
his head. He pulled himself together, throwing all of his spare time on the search and still
managing to keep up with lessons, setting time aside for Harry and his D.A. Club and tea
with Severus in the evenings. It was a busy month for both of them, yet it helped Remus from
falling back into that dark depression, the panic and fear of not knowing where Greyback and
Rowan were and what their next move would be. The guilt they caused in him for that little
boy who died.

The Order of the Phoenix searched endlessly for Greyback and Rowan, even for their
infamous pack, but there was no sign of them. Every meeting was held each night, and in
every one, the search parties would come up empty-handed, until it was getting harder and
harder for Remus to not give up, to not think of the possibility of those werewolves not being
found before the next full-moon. He made sure to remind the Order of Greyback's hidden
talent of shields and barriers, to keep a close eye on any possible signs of being near the
wards of the camp. They could walk right by them and not even know, however he never
voiced the feelings in his gut that Greyback and Rowan knew they were being searched for,
and if someone didn't want to be found, then it would make it all the more harder for them to
be found.

During the next few weekends of May, Remus had taken to camping out in the woods of rural
areas near villages where the pack was known to be sighted a few times, most often he was
accompanied by Severus or Tonks, and even Bill or Charlie Weasley. Remus had even dared
to visit some of the friendlier werewolf packs that may know anything of Greyback's
location. Those were the days he would go alone, and Severus would worry for him, always
holding Remus tight when he would return Sunday night, exhausted and dirty, yet unharmed.
During those weekends when Remus would be gone, Severus had taken the time to visit
Lucius in Malfoy Manor, like Greyback and Bellatrix, he too had managed to break out of
Azkaban. Severus would go in hopes to see if Greyback was hanging around the Manor since
it had become some sort of base for the Death Eaters, hoping he might hear a few rumors
from them about any future planned attacks. But everytime, just like Remus, Severus would
return back to Hogwarts with nothing.
As the days continued to pass and still nothing… Remus' resolve to find them, started to
wane. Dark thoughts began to slip through his motivations, whispering to him that he wasn't
doing enough, he wasn't trying hard enough. That boy was killed because of him, and soon
another child would fall victim to those werewolves if Remus and the Order didn't find them
soon. Then suddenly Remus felt himself falling apart again, no matter how hard he tried to
fight it. The last few days before the full-moon, Remus felt himself growing distant again. He
started hiding in his quarters when lessons weren't in session. He was irritable with the other
professors and with students that tested his patience. He could barely eat, he barely slept, and
when he did he was plagued by nightmares. He stopped aiding in the Order's search. And he
knew Severus worried for him. This full-moon was going to be a bad one, Remus had no
doubt about that.

Remus was sitting completely naked on the broken bed of the Shrieking Shack, his skin was
covered with goosebumps from the chilly spring air. He crossed his legs, wrapping his arms
around himself and bracing himself for the promised pain of the full-moon's arrival. She was
coming, Remus could feel her power. The wolf inside him was singing with longing and
anticipation, with wild excitement of it finally being free. Remus tried shoving it down, it
was difficult. The wolf was strong tonight, the shadow of it could be seen on his face all
evening. Severus had left Remus long ago with guilt and worry etched into the lines of his
face. Remus' white-gold and tungsten ring had been transferred from his finger to Severus'.
And Severus had left Remus' clothes neatly folded for him up on top of the wardrobe with his
wand, then Severus had given Remus one last lingering kiss on his temple before leaving,
promising as always that he would be back here as soon as the dawn arrived.

And there Remus had waited in the dark and shadowy shack, trying so hard to not fall into
his fear and guilt. They never found Rowan and Greyback, and now Remus feared another
child would be dead or possibly turned just before the night would end… Another innocent
life lost at the expense of Remus not joining Greyback's pack as leader, as Rowan's mate.

The thought of that was enough to cause Remus to break a bit, shivering with fear, feeling
like those golden-red eyes were watching him. The ghost of a hard grip on his jaw, nails
scraping and teeth sinking into his neck, burning and claiming him.

Remus suddenly grunted out from an intense spurt of pain, causing his body to tense. He
readied himself for more, closing his eyes that he knew were completely golden. He suddenly
felt his canines growing larger, sharper, causing him to growl out from the pain, snarling his
new fangs. Another sharp spasm shot through him again, this time through his muscles as his
hair began to sink in, then regrow as thick, gray fur. The full-moon was rising, its light
shining through the boarded-up windows, illuminating Remus as he bowed his head with a
shout of pain, gritting his teeth and fangs together, keeping his eyes shut tight, his body
shaking so violently as he began to feel his muscles rip apart, his bones breaking, reforming,
reattaching into the shape of his werewolf form. And when the pain grew at its worst, unable
to take it anymore, Remus' body spasmed off the bed as he threw his head back and screamed
until his vocal-chords changed from human to wolf. His pain and fear echoing in the shack,
bouncing off the walls. Remus was still fighting his change, he was still fighting through it,
trying to stop it, even though he knew it was too late, that it was no use. He was only causing
his change to be more painful and slow, but Remus still fought through it. He was tired of
it… He didn't want to become the monster he always felt like he was deep inside, he was
tired of always having to fight for his soul.

Once the change was complete, Remus in his werewolf form now, had woken up on the
splintered floor. The wolf spirit inside of him that always felt like a small presence attached
to his soul was now more intense, fighting for power, sharing a part of Remus' mind now. It
was a strange combination of man and wolf. Thoughts that were Remus' and thoughts that
were the wolf's, fused together. The wolf was restless, it growled in Remus' head. It wanted
to run. It wanted out of this cage. It wanted to be outside, underneath the moonlight, to feel
the cool breeze flow through its pelt, and as much as Remus wanted to allow it, just for the
wolf to settle down and allow him some peace, he knew he couldn't leave the shack…they
couldn't leave their prison.

Remus jumped on the bed with a growl for the wolf to calm down. He did a few circles to get
comfortable before lying down and settling for a long night of restless sleep. Remus rested
his chin on his paws, closing his eyes, trying to sleep but the wolf still wouldn't quiet down. It
was agitated and feeling restless from being trapped, it hated the human emotions and
thoughts in Remus' head. It wanted out. It wanted control. It was supposed to be in control
when the moon was at its strongest and fullest power. Remus opened his eyes and whined out
in frustration, he started licking and gnawing at his paw, trying to soothe himself, the wolf
that was so very loud in his head. It wanted to run. It wanted to feel the power of the moon, to
run with its light and sing to it. To find its pack and hunt with them… Remus growled at that,
shoving the wolf down into submission, but it wouldn't back down. He jumped off the broken
bed and began pacing the shack, stopping every now and then to gnaw on his paw, his fangs
sinking into his own flesh, until he could taste his own blood. A sound suddenly caused him
to stop, lifting his head up, his ears pricked. Then suddenly the wolf whined out with longing,
it was so loud and powerful that it carried out through Remus' mouth. It recognized the
sound, it was the call of its mate.

That was impossible, Padfoot has been gone for so long… Remus bared his fangs with
confusion and unsettling fear. He ignored the sound. He had to stay in the shack. The wolf
whined and it cried and it howled and it fought… It wanted to go after the one who made the
sound…mate…mate…pack…pack… Remus held it down. He paced and he paced and he
gnawed on himself, until he was tracking bloody pawprints on the floor. Remus knew there
was another wolf nearby. The wolf knew, it thought it was its mate, but Padfoot was gone, it
had to be another wolf… Could it be the black wolf from his dreams?

Suddenly a howl ripped through the air. It was coming from the forest that surrounded the
shack. The wolf let out an answering howl in return. It was so strong and powerful that
Remus couldn't stop it. He threw back his head and howled, calling for his mate, calling for
his pack…and Remus lost some control. Before he knew it, he was racing through the tunnel,
his stormy-gray pelt brushing against the cool earth until he could feel the fresh air carrying
the scents of the forest to him, it was coming from an opening just ahead.
Remus threw back his head and let out an excited bark, he could feel the moon on his pelt!
He was out of the tunnel. He was now watching all of this through the wolf's eyes as he felt it
taking complete control, as it let out a loud, vibrating howl, singing out its freedom. And
Remus couldn't get over how free-spirited and relaxed the wolf seemed, it has been a long
time since it ran like this with its pack, with Padfoot, its mate. Remus suddenly couldn't
remember why he had held the wolf back for so long. It was free, it was happy, it was nice
not having to fight for control anymore.

It stood underneath the Whomping Willow, scenting the air, opening its mouth, breathing it in
and tasting it until it found the scent that called to it. A scent that smelled like pack and home
and mate. The wolf pushed its way through the undergrowth, ignoring the tendrils that
snagged at its coat as he disappeared into the dark forest. It ran further and further, deeper
into the forest, until even the moon's light could barely get through the large trees. The wolf
stopped running, Remus wondered about that scent. It wasn't Padfoot. Could it be the black
wolf? What other wolf could carry a scent that claimed it as his wolf's mate?

Golden-red tinted eyes were suddenly blinking at him from the shadows of the undergrowth.
The wolf fluffed out its tail when it spotted the stranger, only because Remus was screaming.
The wolf liked the stranger's scent. Remus fought to gain back control, but he couldn't…he
couldn't… The wolf was strong, it was wild, it was free and it had found its mate. Remus
screamed and he fought, trying to stop their shared body from walking closer to the auburn
wolf that stepped out of the shadows and into a trickle of moonlight. Remus recoiled when
the auburn wolf began to sniff the wolf, touching noses and nipping at the wolf to follow.

Remus screamed when the wolf ran alongside Rowan until the full-moon began to set…and
when the sun rose, Remus hardly felt the warmth of its rays. When he woke he was alone,
lost and naked on the leafy-ground.

As soon as Severus and Madam Pomfrey exited the tunnel and into the shack, right away
Severus sensed something was wrong. The cabin felt too quiet and empty. He didn't feel
Remus' presence. Without a word, he raced up the stairs to find an empty room, and feeling
himself start to shake with shock and fear, he began to swiftly search the room, trying his best
to not panic when he found bloody paw prints tracked all over the floor. Madam Pomfrey
joined in on the search, going to the other rooms and calling Remus' name, her voice full of
the panic that was threatening to take over Severus' mind.

Once they were completely sure Remus wasn't in the shack, they examined the bloody paw
prints on the floor, finding a trail that led them downstairs to the entrance of the tunnel. They
went back outside, splitting up and searching the grounds around the Whomping Willow to
determine which way to go.

"Severus!" Madam Pomfrey suddenly shouted just behind the Whomping Willow.

Severus bolted towards her. Her wand was lighting up the path ahead leading to the dark
forest, just ahead Severus could see trampled grass coated with a bit of blood and a tuft of
gray fur caught in a bush.
"Come on!" Severus shouted, running down the trail and hoping that Remus couldn't have
gone too far.

They were about twenty minutes in when they finally lost the trail. They split up again,
looking closely at the undergrowth with the light from their wands for any more clues.

Severus was breathing hard now, trying to not lose himself in his panic. He couldn't help but
think if only his Animagus transformation had been completed by now, then perhaps this
could've been prevented, and now Remus was lost somewhere in the dark forest, waking up
alone and naked, possibly injured and with no wand to defend himself. They had to find him
before something else did.

After another ten minutes of searching, suddenly the undergrowth just ahead of the path
began to crack, signaling footsteps coming towards them. Severus and Madam Pomfrey both
whipped their attention towards the source with their wands ready. And to their relief,
especially Severus' who almost fell to his knees at the sight, it was Remus, naked and heavily
limping with his arms around himself, looking forlorn and in pain as ever.

"Remus!" Severus shouted, bolting to Remus' side and pulling him into a tight hug, burying
his face into him and catching the scents of the forest from his skin. "Bloody fucking hell I
was so fucking scared for you!"

Severus pulled himself away, holding Remus at arm's length to assess him for any injuries.
"Are you alright? Are you hurt?" He reached up and pulled out bits of twigs and leaves that
were caught in his hair.

Remus was shaking so hard, his body was riddled with scratches and his skin was puckered
with rising goosebumps. Severus then noticed his hand. It was crusted with drying blood, the
flesh looking as if an animal had chewed it.

"Your hand!" Severus couldn't help but say.

Remus only looked down to the ground, numbly shaking his head in response to Severus'
questions. Severus took off his robes and wrapped them around his boyfriend, taking a closer
look at his pale face, realizing Remus was looking dazed as if he were in shock. He quickly
scooped him up into his arms, just as Remus began passing out.

They took Remus up to his quarters. Severus placed him as gently as he could into the bed,
then assisted Madam Pomfrey with cleaning up and healing the scratches and his mauled-up
hand, which Madam Pomfrey was very certain that Remus had inflicted that injury onto
himself. Severus couldn't help but feel relieved at the fact that they didn't find Remus covered
in someone else's blood.

Once they were done with that, Madam Pomfrey casted a few medical examinations,
checking his vitals. "Everything seems to be in order. He's just passed out from shock and
exhaustion," she said to Severus with relief.

Severus sat on the edge of the bed as she spoke, gathering up her things, his eyes never
leaving his sleeping boyfriend who was now comfortably dressed in pajamas with a blanket
over him. His hand was wrapped up and now healing very nicely.

"I'm going to make a report to Albus right away, just in case this gets out to the school board
and parents that Remus was out running loose on the grounds last night. It's about time he
gets that shack better secured, this was bound to happen sooner or later."

"Thank you, Poppy, send a letter please, tell him I don't care what he's doing, he needs to
come back to the castle."

"Do you think Remus was led out of the shack by the werewolves the Order has been
searching for? He's never left the shack without his friends before."

"You knew about that?"

"Of course I did. Those boys couldn't hide anything from me, I always trusted them to keep
Remus safe and they did."

"Well, your theory could be a possibility, Minerva and I were patrolling the castle last night
and there weren't any breaches in security. The students were safe the whole night… So if
they were the ones that led Remus out, they stayed in the forest."

Their conversation ceased, Severus couldn't help but worry if Madam Pomfrey were right
about Rowan and Greyback luring Remus out, how this would affect Remus when he awoke,
also the next threat from Greyback that should be arriving any moment now.

He didn't see the way the medic-witch's eyes softened as she stood by the door, watching
Severus gazing at Remus with so much worry and love.

"Now, it is only you I trust to take care of our Remus, you make him happy, Severus. I've
never seen him smile the way he does when he looks at you, and I've never seen you care so
deeply for someone in return…"

Severus slowly tore his eyes away from Remus as she spoke, meeting her soft gaze with
surprise. "Are we that obvious?" he asked.

"No, not really, I only see it when I'm only with you and Remus, Harry as well."

"That's because I trust you too," Severus said, realizing he'd been letting his guard down
around the school medi-witch without realizing it. She was a friend, another co-worker like
Minerva that he would sorely miss once Albus' task was complete. Severus frowned with
regret and returned his gaze back to Remus, hearing Madam Pomfrey leave Remus' quarters.

Severus slowly climbed into bed, suddenly feeling wrecked from all of the intense emotions
he went through in the early dawn, he made himself comfortable beside Remus, instantly
falling asleep.

Remus was screaming, trapped in his own head. Screaming as the wolf ran alongside Rowan.
Those eyes, those red-tinted eyes, sharp fangs that grabbed hold of Remus, biting into his
neck. The mating bond coursing through him. Remus pulled away, suddenly feeling
something warm and sticky on his face. He reached up, touching his lips with tentative
fingers, only to find his hand covered with blood. Remus shouted out with fright, and Rowan
was there, laughing, sporting a fresh new bite on his neck. Remus screamed, he screamed and
he fell into darkness.

Remus woke up with a shout, his body drenched in cold sweat, and he didn't know where he
was, gasping for air, he touched his hand to his lips, seeing if there was blood, but to his relief
there wasn't. He then stared at his wrapped hand with confusion.

What happened? He rubbed at his tired eyes, clearing his blurred vision and looking around
him, he realized he was in his bedroom.

Remus began to unwrap the bandage just a bit to see the state of his hand, his lip curling with
disgust at what he found. His hand was severely chewed, but luckily it already looked like it
was a few days old. He was sure with Poppy's talent in her field, his hand would be as good
as new in no time at all. He wrapped his hand back up, then closed his eyes, allowing the
memories of the night before to wash through him. It caused his body to tremble. Anything
could have happened! How was he so weak last night to allow his wolf to have control?! He
lost control! What if Rowan had lured him far away from Hogwarts? What if he had woken
up in Greyback's camp, what if his wolf had bitten Rowan in return? Remus shuddered at
that, horror washed through him along with flashes of his nightmares. He felt sick. He turned
over, ready to leap out of bed to the toilet when he spotted Severus sleeping beside him.

Seeing his boyfriend sleeping beside him, it chased away Remus’ sudden nausea. How did he
find me?

Suddenly, Severus' eyes fluttered open, squinting blurrily at Remus with confusion, he
reached out and Remus grabbed his hand, placing soft kisses on his fingers. And as Remus
kissed him, in the back of his mind he wondered how peculiar this was. Usually his after full-
moon depression was so bad, he couldn't tell where he was…couldn't stand anyone touching
him…trapped between nightmares of the cellar and running up steep slopes, away from the
darkness and towards a mysterious black wolf howling… Maybe right now, he just felt safe
with Severus.

"Darling…" Severus said with a yawn, he then pulled Remus on top of him.

Remus felt himself tensed from the touch, but then he was able to allow himself to relax after
closing his eyes and taking deep breaths, reminding himself where he was, that it was
Severus touching him and he was safe.

When he opened his eyes, Severus was gazing into them.

"Darling, I was so frightened for you this morning, what happened? Do you remember? How
do you feel? How's your hand?" The questions tumbled out one after the other until Severus'
dark eyes began to water as he croaked out, "I almost lost you." Severus held Remus tighter, a
few stray tears falling down, shocking Remus.

Severus hardly ever cried, and it formed a terrible weight of guilt in Remus' stomach. He lost
control last night… After so many years of keeping the wolf in check… How could he have
allowed that to happen? And the fear of his nightmares returned, the fear of seeing those
golden-red tinted eyes.

Remus felt his breaths growing heavy, trying not to think of Rowan so near him, touching
him, sniffing him, nipping his wolf body… What could've happened… Remus knew deep in
his soul that his wolf didn't give Rowan the mating bite in return, and Remus was so very
lucky. He distracted himself by placing soft, loving kisses on Severus' eyelids and cheeks,
kissing away his tears.

"I'm sorry," Remus whispered in between his careful ministrations. His voice sounded very
hoarse and strained. "I didn't mean to scare you… I didn't mean to lose control last night…"

"What do I always tell you about apologizing?" Severus muttered back.

"To stop…" Remus answered sheepishly.

Severus opened his eyes, placing a hand to the side of his face, then placing a soft kiss on
Remus' lips. "I'm just relieved that you're safe."

Remus then climbed off of him, nestling himself against Severus' side.

"Can you tell me what happened?" Severus asked softly after a bit of silence between them.

Remus started to shake hard against Severus, trying to figure out how to explain it all without
the raw fear he'd felt last night taking over.

"Rowan," Remus whispered.

He felt Severus tense up from his answer.

"Not long after the change he called to me from the dark forest. I don't know if he was
controlled by Wolfsbane or if it was his full wolf form… Hearing him howling, I lost a bit of
control and before I knew it I was running towards him. I think I allowed my wolf to follow
his call, I thought it was the black wolf I've been seeing in my dreams and when it wasn't
him, I couldn't turn the wolf away from Rowan. I don't fully remember what we did, I just
remember racing through the forest with him… Rowan was on the grounds last night,
Severus, you don't think he was able to get into the castle? I don't remember going anywhere
near it, but he had a chunk of time before I found him."

As he spoke, Remus felt himself shaking harder than ever. Severus held him closer, running a
comforting hand through Remus' hair

"If it's a Hogwarts student that was attacked this month, I don't think I can bear it," Remus
gasped out.

"Hey…hey, you're okay, darling, you're okay. Nothing got into the castle, everyone is safe…"
Severus consoled him. "Take a deep breath for me…"

Remus closed his eyes, taking deep breaths, willing his body to stop shaking so hard.
"It was mine and Minerva's night to patrol," Severus said, placing Remus' un-injured hand on
his chest. "Just breathe with me, Remus… None of the wards went off, the corridors were all
quiet… We did hear a wolf howling, but I'm sure it was you, it was coming in the direction of
the Shrieking Shack, far away from the castle."

Once Remus finally caught his breath and his body slowed to a small tremble, Severus
suddenly climbed out of bed, went over to Remus' writing desk and started pulling out some
parchment, ink and a quill.

"What are you doing?" Remus asked.

"I'm writing a letter to Minerva to gather up the professors that are part of the Order to search
the grounds, just in case Rowan is still out there."

"I would think he's long gone by now," Remus said with a worried frown. "I woke up alone."

"I know, but just to be safe. Even if he is gone, maybe we can still figure out where he went
after his change, it could possibly be a breakthrough to where he and Greyback and their pack
have been hiding."

When Severus was done with the letter, Remus watched him summon a house-elf, ordering it
to take it straight to Minerva. The house-elf bowed down, then disappeared with a crack.

"Aren't you going to join them or maybe see if Dumbledore has returned yet to alert him on
everything he's missed?" Remus asked with surprise as Severus climbed back into bed with
him.

"No, my first priority right now is being with you and making sure you're getting some rest.
You were in quite a shock this morning. Also, Poppy has been taking care of that."

Severus paused with a slight frown. "If you're okay with that, of course? I know that you
usually need your space after the full-moon."

And Remus realized that he did in fact want Severus to stay in bed with him, it shocked him,
but he wasn't going to question it. It was one of the worst full-moons he had in a while, and
right now he could really use Severus' comforting presence. As an answer, Remus cuddled
against Severus, throwing the blanket back over them, taking care to not knock his injured
hand.

Severus looking every bit as surprised as Remus was feeling, he then gestured at Remus'
wrapped hand. "May I take a look at that?"

Remus nodded, holding his hand out. Severus eyed the messy wrap, then looked at Remus.
"You already looked at it, haven't you?"

"I was curious," Remus shrugged.

Severus shook his head with feigned exasperation, unwrapping the bandage, and once he was
positive at its results, he wrapped it back up, neater than before. "It's looking good, no sign of
infection."
"Thank, Merlin… I don't know why I thought it was a good idea to gnaw it off last night,"
Remus joked.

"Well, because of that, it was a bit easier to find you… You left a trail behind…"

"Ah…" Remus could only say, feeling a bit sick at the thought of it.

Then with affection, Severus brushed Remus' hair aside. "Poppy knows about us."

"How?" Remus asked with surprise.

"She told me it was by the way you smile at me," Severus said warmly, causing Remus to
reach up and give him a loving kiss so deep, that he felt Severus melt into it.

They stayed in Remus' bed together all afternoon. Remus kept going in and out of sleep,
falling into nightmares only to be immediately awoken by Severus who distracted him with
sweet, slow kisses and light conversations, often about their kid or things that didn't have to
do with werewolves being after Remus. It was as if he knew that was what Remus needed at
the moment.

And just when they finally decided to get out of bed for a late lunch, talking about tracking
Harry down and getting him to join them, an owl was pecking at Remus' bedroom window.
They both froze. Remus, feeling a bit sick again, but this time with fear, looked at Severus
then at the window before going to open it. He took the parcel from the owl who looked more
well-kept than the previous one.

Remus held his breath as he opened the letter and began to read it.

"Remus, what does it say?" Severus asked, sounding as if he could no longer take the
suspense.

Remus looked up at Severus with shock, his mind not quite believing what he'd just read. He
frowned, going back to the letter and rereading it again with disbelief, "It's from
Dumbledore."

"What?!"

Severus climbed out of bed and went over to Remus' side, reading the letter over his shoulder.
Remus watched him as he processed what he read, and when Severus was done, he cursed at
the headmaster as he threw on his robes and stalked over to the fireplace in the living room,
throwing floo powder into the orange flames. "Headmaster's office!" he shouted.

Remus sighed and followed after him, preparing himself to be a witness of a Severus Snape
and Albus Dumbledore argument.

"What the fuck, Albus!" Severus swore as soon as he entered the circular office, stalking over
to the headmaster's desk and throwing the letter at him.
Behind Severus, the flames roared again and out stepped Remus dusting the soot off of his
clothes.

Albus Dumbledore was sitting at his desk, an amused grin on his face. "I've missed you too,
Severus," he responded. "Ah, Remus, I'm glad to see you unharmed, you look rested."

"Explain, now!" Severus ordered before Remus could answer to the headmaster's greeting.

Albus glanced at the letter on his desk, then at both of them. "Why don't you two take a seat
first?"

Severus sat with a huff and Remus calmly took the seat next to him, reaching out and holding
Severus' hand, and he allowed it, not caring that it was in front of Albus. Severus knew
Remus needed his support after reading the contents of that letter.

After everything, after all their troubles in searching for those werewolves, and Albus just
appears after being missing for weeks and just fixes everything so easily?!

Some fucking communication would've been fucking nice! Severus was fuming at the
headmaster's audacity.

Meanwhile, Albus' electric-blue gaze traveled down to their conjoined hands, warmth mixed
with a sad regret flashed through them before he switched to a more business-like
composure.

"Lemon drops?" Albus asked, picking up a candy tin and offering it to them. Severus shook it
away with a scowl. Remus took one with a thank-you, popping it into his mouth.

"How the bloody hell did you know what was going on when you were missing off the face
of the earth for over a month?! We've sent out messages to you to come straight to the castle,
and we never received a word back from you. How did you know where to find Greyback
and stop the next attack from happening? And where the fuck have you bloody been,
Albus?!"

"Ah, Severus, don't question it too much, just take my news and get a bit of rest. I've heard
from Minerva and Poppy how hard you and Remus have been working with the Order. The
young girl Greyback was after last night is safe, and I have Tonks, Charlie and Bill tailing
him. I'll alert you once they find the pack, they are going to tail him until the next full-moon
to prevent another attack from happening."

Severus scowled again, "Well what about Rowan? Did Poppy tell you how he was on the
grounds last night with Remus? What are we going to do about that so it doesn't happen
again? We're lucky there was no harm done!"

Severus squeezed Remus' un-injured hand, remembering his fear of finding an empty shack
this morning. Remus squeezed his hand back with reassurance.

"That was an unfortunate slip in security, as soon as I've gotten Poppy's message, I arrived
straight back here. The heads of houses and I straightened the wards, extending them around
the shack and the dark forest, I'm sure Rowan wouldn't reshow himself again."

Albus turned his attention to Remus.

"Remus, I am so sorry about Rowan being near you again, and I'm very glad you're safe."

Remus nodded his head, "Thank you…"

"Albus, you're not answering all of my questions!" Severus snarled with impatience.

"The answers I've given you are all you need to know."

"Blasted old coot," Severus retorted.

Albus smiled in response, agitating Severus even more. "Now, why don't you two go and
enjoy the rest of the day together, I must get back to this dreadful paperwork that has been
piling up on my desk."

"Serves you right," was all Severus could say, Remus squeezed his hand again, diffusing the
rising anger in him and stopping him from saying anything more.

"Oh, and one more thing…" Albus handed a bundle of clothes along with Remus' wand over
to Remus, who had brightened up at the sight of it. "I had taken the liberty of procuring this
for you, Remus."

They then both flooed back to Remus' quarters, and even though Severus was pissed as all
hell at Albus, he was just relieved that a child was spared last night because of him and so
would the next future victim. It was the best case scenario that they were hoping for for
weeks.

Throughout the rest of May, Severus and Remus had been receiving steady reports from
Tonks, Bill and Charlie on Greyback; who was now with Rowan again. There was no
location of the pack yet, but they were confident enough that they would prevent the attack
for June's full-moon with their watchful eyes on both werewolves.

The end of the month had also brought the sixth years' Apparition test, leaving only three
students in Severus' class that day, Harry, Draco and Ernie Macmillian. The tension was so
unbearable between Harry and Draco, Severus was sure he could cut the air with a blade. Fed
up with it, he ended lessons that day early, making Harry stay behind to help him put things
away so he wouldn't be tempted to follow Draco.

"That was intense," Severus had said as he was examining the student phials on his desk.

Harry was organizing the potion ingredients in the student cupboards. "He really hates me
now… He was the one who kissed me…" The hurt in Harry's voice cracked. "I didn't ask for
it… I feel like he's punishing me for it…"
"I don't think so, kid, I think it was because he was caught in a vulnerable moment and now
he's doing everything he can to prevent it from happening again."

"Do you think we could ever be friends again after this?"

"I think so…"

And not just the tension between Harry and Draco had grown, but also among the students
that were rooting for Gryffindor and Ravenclaw. According to Remus' calculations, if
Gryffindor won by three hundred points, then their team was set to win the Quidditch cup,
and seeing the way Harry had been practicing with his team, they had Weasley and Katie Bell
back, Severus was sorry for the possibility of having to hand over the cup to Minerva.

Severus had also taken the time to talk to Draco again, and was successful in having him
finally reveal to Severus the vanishing cabinet…

"I thought it was fixed, but the bird died… I don't know what to do," Draco said, taking off
the sheet and revealing the broken cabinet.

Feigning surprise at Draco finally revealing it to him, Severus stepped forward, examining it.
Seeing this cabinet confirmed the information he took from Borgin.

"You have a little over a month before term ends, Draco, you're running out of time…"

"I know!" Draco shouted with anxiety and stress in his voice.

"What is your plan?"

Draco told him everything. Severus hid his relief. Now he was able to take it to Albus and
they could start planning the night of his murder on June thirtieth.

And just when Severus was about to leave the room, Draco called out, "And Harry, what if he
goes after us?"

"Don't worry about Potter. Just focus on the cabinet, keep using the spell I taught you…"

Severus had missed most of dinner due to being stuck in a meeting with Albus, he was on the
staircase passing the sixth floor when he suddenly heard Moaning Myrtle screaming bloody
murder in her bathroom, causing Severus to bolt towards the noise.

Entering the bathroom, the most horrid sight almost gave him a heart attack. The floor was
flooded with water, blood swirling in its depths, turning it dark red. The ghost was still
screaming and Draco was on the floor bleeding out, and Harry was beside him, wet and full
of blood, trying to stop Draco's wounds from bleeding. He looked up, his face blanched with
horror to see Severus at the door.
Severus shot his wand at the ghost, silencing her, she right away flew into a toilet with a
splash, her hands clutching her throat.

Severus stalked towards his son who tried to speak, but failed, shoving him aside without a
word as he knelt beside Draco. He examined the wounds on his godson's torso and realizing
what they were, he whipped his head at Harry with shock. His son looked down to the floor
with guilt, shivering from being soaked with water and blood.

How did he know to use this spell? Sectumsempra….

A spell Severus had privately created when he was nothing more than a student at Hogwarts.
No one knew of its existence. The only place Severus had written it down was in his…his
Advanced Potions Making textbook… And everything clicked, everything made sense…
Harry's sudden talent in Potions, impressing Slughorn, the bezoar… He found Severus' old
school book, but how, when? And those thoughts swirled around Severus as he began to
chant the counter curse, piecing Draco back together.

Once Severus was done, he helped Draco stand up who was so deathly pale and weak from
blood loss and shock. "Come on, let's get you to the hospital wing. You're going to be okay,
you just need rest and a Blood Replenishing Potion or two."

Severus hadn't forgotten Harry. As he helped Draco walk to the door, he called out over his
shoulder with not even a glance at him, "Stay there!"

Once Draco was settled and under the care of Madam Pomfrey, Severus returned to the girls
bathroom on the sixth floor to find Harry still there, not having moved an inch. He had his
arms wrapped around himself, head bowed, shaking, his eyes on the floor. A posture of
defense, one Severus had used often when he knew his father was going to beat him.

He stared at Harry, not knowing what to do, not believing that he would actually use an
unknown spell on someone like that, not knowing how to handle this. Severus was so angry
at the fact that Draco could've died, and in the back of his mind a reasonable voice was
telling him to get Remus, but he couldn't just yet. Severus was frozen. Then he saw the way
Harry's fists were clenched tight and with a frustrated growl under his breath, he swept over
to him, grabbing Harry's hands and pulling his fingers away from his palms, revealing bloody
crescent-shaped marks.

"Look at me, Potter, now," Severus demanded in a calm and cold voice.

Harry slowly looked up at him with caution, his eyes swimming with fear, shock and guilt.

"You know that I'm not ever going to hit you, not like them, you know that, Potter… I want
you to go and get your book bag with all of your school books. Don't talk to anyone, don't
make any detours, go get your books and come straight back here, is that understood?"
Severus said with that same icy-cold tone of voice, calm and slow to prevent himself from
shouting.

Harry didn't reply.

"Potter, I said, is that understood?"

"Yes," Harry's voice shook.

"Then what are you waiting for?"

Harry bolted out of the bathroom, leaving Severus to wait. He quickly sent a patronus to
Remus, telling him everything that just happened and to get here as fast as possible.

Harry took a while of course, but it was just as well, Severus thought with annoyance. At
least Remus was able to get there before him who gasped at the amount of blood swirling
around in the water.

"Where in Merlin's beard did he learn such a spell?"

Severus ran a hand through his hair with shame and anger directed towards himself.
"Through me," he admitted.

Affronted by Severus' quick admission, Remus asked, "Severus? What are you…"

"Harry has my old copy of Advanced Potion Making. I'm certain he found it during the
summer and he's been using it all year… Remus, his sudden high marks, the bezoar… It all
makes sense… That spell he used, it's called Sectumsempra. It's a dark spell I created after
Black tried to kill me. It's to be used for enemies, I wrote it down in that book. Harry knew it
was dark and he used it on Draco… That book was like a journal to me, it's the only way he
could've learned it. It's written down nowhere else… I should have known, Remus, I
should've known!" Severus quickly explained. "That book… It was a lost and angry boy who
wrote in it, who created that spell and I should've gotten rid of it! How could I let it fall into
our kid's hands and not even realize it when the signs were so clear?!" Severus was ready to
pull his hair out with his guilt and anger at himself when he finished.

"Hey… Hey… It's okay, love," Remus consoled, suddenly at his side and pulling him into a
hug. "This wasn't your fault, you just didn't know."

As upset as he was with himself, Severus took his boyfriend's comfort, wrapping his arms
around him and burying his face into the crook of Remus' shoulder. "I gave Harry a weapon
and he almost killed Draco with it. How the fuck are we going to handle this?"

"He found it, you didn't physically give it to him, it's okay, we'll…" but then Remus' words
were interrupted by footsteps. They pulled apart just in time as Harry appeared at the
doorway, stopping when he spotted Remus and his cheeks burned with shame.

"Bag, now!" Severus snapped.

Harry stopped in front of them, silently handing over his book bag to Severus.

"You took your time," Severus commented as he took out the books, then handed the bag to
Remus, mindful of his still healing hand. "Look through the rest of it, please."
Harry didn't say anything, his eyes were back down on the floor again. Remus searched the
bag but there was no second Potions book in it. Severus opened each textbook, handing them
over one by one to Remus, leaving the Potions one last. It looked too neat to be his old one. It
was possible Harry had changed its cover or swapped it with someone else's, explaining his
lateness.

He flipped through the clean pages, finding the blasted Roonil Wazlib written inside the cover
again. He loudly snapped it shut, causing Harry to flinch. "This isn't your fucking book!
Where is it, Potter! I know you have it!"

"That's my book!" Harry shouted with defiance, finally directing his gaze on Severus.

"Then why does it have Roonil Wazlib written inside of it!?"

Severus opened it, shoving the front cover page in front of Harry's face. He didn't back down,
just kept glaring at Severus with stubborn defiance. Severus could feel himself shaking with
rage at Harry's audacity to keep lying to him, when it was clear that he was caught.

"It seems to me that your bloody mate Weasley has written down his name with a faulty
spell-check quill. That spell you used was extremely dark, Potter, where did you learn it? I
didn't teach you that, nor has Remus, and I'm sure in all fucking hell that it isn't allowed in
the school curriculum!"

"I got it from a library book!" Harry snapped out.

Severus stepped forward, in his anger he didn't stop to think about it, he was suddenly
reaching into Harry's mind, holding his eye contact, and he saw it, his old Potions book
swimming on the forefront of Harry's mind.

"You're lying," Severus seethed as he broke eye-contact.

"Get out of my head, you bastard!" Harry suddenly shouted, stepping back, his whole body
shaking uncontrollably.

Severus stepped forward, "How dare you speak to me that way!"

"Whoa, okay," Remus held Severus back with his un-injured hand wrapped around his arm.
"Severus, take a breath, will you?"

"Remus, he's lying," Severus gritted through his teeth.

"I know, but yelling at him like that is just making matters worse, just go, walk away for a
moment. I'll talk to him."

Severus was so close to disagreeing with Remus, but one stern look from those golden-
flecked eyes had Severus letting out a huff of frustration and he walked to the other side of
the room.

He watched Remus turn his attention back onto Harry with a serious frown. "Harry, we know
you are lying. Hand us the Potions book you've been using all year."
"I did, it's in his hands!" Harry shouted, gesturing at Severus.

"Fine, since you won't do as you're told and confess, then this is going to lead to greater
consequences. Are you still sure you want to stick to your story?"

Harry nodded once, glaring at Remus.

Severus watched Remus take a deep breath, realizing just how scary Remus could be
sometimes when he wanted to be and admiring just a bit of Harry's bravery to still lie to his
face.

"Okay, you were warned… Detention, you're going to have detention with either me or
Severus every Saturday at ten in the morning all the way until the end of term."

And Harry's face fell… "But, Remus… Quidditch!" he said weakly, all air of defiance
suddenly gone. "It's the last match of the season, I've been working so hard!"

"Well, then you better start looking for a replacement," Remus said without any sympathy at
all. "You also know very well enough to never use an unknown spell like that on yourself or
on another person, especially one that seems dark. You're lucky you didn't kill Draco, Harry,
lucky! This consequence I'm giving you is more than just because of you lying to us, I want
you to understand the seriousness of what you've done, of what could've happened," Remus
lectured as he stuffed all of Harry's books back inside his bag.

Severus went back to Remus' side, handing him Weasley's Potions book. Remus took it,
putting it in the bag as well then holding it out for Harry to take.

"Now, go to your dormitory, clean yourself up and think to yourself if keeping this secret was
really worth letting your team down and disappointing me and your dad, if using that spell
was worth risking Draco's life for."

"I didn't mean to hurt him so badly," Harry's voice shook.

"I know you didn't, cub," Remus answered back with a softer voice. "But you still must learn
the consequences of it."

Before Harry took the bag, his gaze went from Remus to Severus, who only nodded his
agreement to Remus' lecture and detention. Harry shot Severus a look of hatred and betrayal,
snatching the bag from Remus and storming out of the bathroom without another word.

Remus and Severus could only look at each other with disbelief. Then Remus' stern
expression he used with Harry changed into guilt.

"Don't feel sorry, darling, you did what you had to do," Severus consoled him, feeling
wretched himself. He should've gotten rid of that blasted book, and the guilt of it must've
carried out through his voice because Remus suddenly hugged him.

"And don't go blaming yourself for this," Remus said.

Severus closed his eyes, holding Remus for a long moment, letting the feel of his body
pressed up against him chase everything away. Once Severus pulled himself together, he
pulled away and said, "I'm going to get Filch to get this place cleaned up, then let's have a
cup of tea…"

"We need something stronger than tea," Remus answered back, as they waded out of the
bathroom through the dirty water.
 It Belongs In The Room Of Lost Things
Chapter Summary

Warning: Mentions of Self-Harm

It’s going to be awhile for the next chapter, I’m still working on it ☺️

Chapter Thirty-Two - It Belongs In The Room Of Lost Things

Harry couldn't sleep, he kept trying to close his mind off like Severus had been teaching him
all year, but it was hopeless. Images of the evening kept fighting their way through despite all
of his efforts to block them…

Draco on the floor, in the water, his blood seeping out and swirling around him, Harry falling
to his knees beside him… "Draco… Draco, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to…!"

Harry's skin was starting to itch with longing, he rubbed at his arms, pressing his nails against
his skin and feeling so wretched with himself that he felt the charm Severus had placed over
his nails come off, and he dug his nails deep into his skin, feeling the the soothing burn as he
tried hopelessly to stop thinking of Draco so close to death because of him.

Pressing his hands to wounds that wouldn't stop bleeding. Draco staring up at him, his blue-
gray eyes clouding over with shock…his face twisted with pain…

Harry kept scratching himself, trying to soothe his anxiety and guilt, he really hadn't meant to
hurt Draco like that. He didn't know that spell would do something as dark as split a person
apart. He didn't even want to fight with Draco in the first place. Harry had just found him in
the bathroom, crying, and when Draco saw his reflection from the mirror above the sink, he
whipped around and shot the first spell… How could they ever be friends again after that?

And the way Severus had looked at Harry. That was the worst part… Seeing his dad's shock,
his fear and his anger as he walked in and found Draco on the floor, saw what Harry had
done… Severus had lost all patience with Harry, it was like they were back where they
started again, professor and student, hating each other. The coldness was back in eyes and in
his voice. That same disappointment and anger was heard in Remus' voice as well as he
lectured Harry and gave him detention… And even though Harry hated them for banning him
from Quidditch, Harry never wanted to see his dads look at him, speak to him that way ever
again, but could he really blame them?

Guilt and shame twisted in Harry's stomach as he scratched himself harder. He felt so
wretched, so utterly bad and stupid for what he'd done… He deserved the punishment Remus
gave him and much worse… If Severus hadn't walked in when he did, finding Harry trying
everything in vain to stop the bleeding, Draco could have died. Remus was right, he knew
better than to use an unknown spell like that. Hermione was right this whole time about the
Prince being a shady person, she'd been lecturing Harry for months about it, urging him to
give the book to Severus, especially after Harry had used Levicorpus on Ron months ago.
That spell could've turned out very wrong as well, Harry and Ron were both lucky it didn't…
But Harry had trusted the Prince, now he knew he was very wrong to do so.

Tossing and turning… Draco's blue-gray eyes glazed over with shock, his breaths coming out
in pain-filled short gasps, blooding flowing between Harry's fingers… Cold, dark eyes
suddenly upon him… A bad situation Harry couldn't control. He couldn't stop that spell from
splitting Draco apart, couldn't stop him from getting hurt, couldn't reverse time to stop it all
from happening in the first place… And Harry felt himself start to go into that trance, the
need to cut, to really cut with a blade of a knife instead of hurting himself with his nails. It
was so strong that his body was shaking hard, and it scared him… The pain pulsating inside
of him, it had to be controlled… He tried to push it all away but it wouldn't budge. The dark
feelings had latched onto him, and he didn't know what to do. Harry couldn't go to his dads.
They were angry at him. But the last thing Harry needed right now was a bad relapse.

Harry turned over to grab the marker from his night table and his invisibility cloak, just in
case, climbed out of bed and went downstairs to the common room, making himself
comfortable on the sofa in front of the fireplace.

He fidgeted with the marker in his hands, the skin on his arms burning from his scratching.
The worst part that happened after Harry had left his dads in the flooded bathroom, was
telling his Quidditch team how he was banned from the last match of the season. Harry had
avoided Ginny's brown eyes, feeling thoroughly ashamed and wretched of himself. He had let
her down, he let the whole team down… And with that thought, Harry popped the cap off the
marker and drew purple lines onto his skin, pressing down hard enough to make it hurt.

Harry couldn't help but think how Remus was right, even though he was still so angry at him
and Severus for banning him from Quiddtich. Quidditch had nothing to do with the terrible
spell he casted on Draco. It wasn't fair to punish his whole team for it as well…but keeping
the Prince a secret, trusting in him and using his book, it wasn't worth hurting Draco, it wasn't
worth his dads' disappointment and lying to them. It wasn't worth letting his whole team
down, but it was too late to tell the truth now. Harry had thrown the book in the Room of
Requirement, in a room filled to the brim with mountains of junk. Harry wasn't even sure he
would be able to find it again if he wanted to, and maybe that was for the best…

Harry never wanted to see that book again or think about the Prince ever again… For
someone to create such a dark spell, the way Draco's body had started splitting apart… It
sickened Harry to his stomach. His body was shaking harder than before and he had broken
out into a cold sweat. Harry felt himself falling deeper into the trance, pressing harder and
harder until the tip of the marker really began to hurt and he welcomed the soothing pain that
he was finally feeling outside of himself.

Draco was all Harry could think about as he admired the mess he created on his arm. Purple
splotches of ink, beading drops of blood welling up from his scratches…and the need to cut
finally went away… And without thinking, he pulled the invisibility cloak over himself and
snuck out of Gryffindor tower.

It didn't take Harry long to get to the hospital wing. Luckily, Draco was there alone, sleeping.
Harry pulled the cloak off, sitting at the edge of the bed, the small movement caused Draco to
stir, fluttering open his eyes and watching Harry with confusion for a moment until he
realized he wasn't dreaming.

"What are you doing here," Draco hissed.

"I wanted to see if you were okay," Harry said.

"I'm alive, now go back to Gryffindor tower."

"Draco…"

"Go, Harry, just go."

"I just wanted to say that I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you that bad."

Draco turned over, pulling the covers over himself, signaling to Harry that he was no longer
interested in talking to him.

"Are we ever going to be okay again?" Harry whispered, but was met with an awful cold
silence.

Feeling even more wretched with himself, Harry sighed and pulled on his cloak again,
leaving the hospital wing, thoroughly sure that he and Draco were never going to meet on the
other side of the war anymore. Their friendship was over, how could it ever be okay after
what happened between them in that bathroom?

Back in the common room, Harry couldn't bring himself to go back to bed just yet. He hated
Draco, it was pulsating through him, creating hot angry tears to cause his eyes to burn and his
throat to choke up, but he didn't let them fall. He was not going to cry for him, not going to
hurt over Draco Malfoy anymore… And Harry found himself frustratedly blaming him for
everything that happened. If Draco hadn't been so cold and mean to him, if he would've just
dropped his act for one second just to let Harry know that he was doing okay, that they were
still friends… Just one time when they found each other alone, instead of breaking Harry's
nose and slamming him against walls, instead of kissing Harry only to push him away after…
If Draco would have just let Harry in for one single moment, then maybe things would not
have gotten so bad and messed up between them.

"Harry?" A voice called out to him from the stairs.

It was Ginny. Harry's heart leapt into his throat with surprise and a bit of panic, remembering
how she had stuck up for him against Hermione's I told you so lecture. Ginny speaking up for
Harry had dropped the matter altogether for the evening among his friends, making Harry
feel a bit better for a little while.

"What are you doing down here alone? What is that you got there?"
Ginny appeared in front of Harry, indicating the marker he'd been fidgeting with again. He
found himself paralyzed like a deer in the headlights. He could only stare at Ginny, dressed in
her pajamas, her long red hair falling past her shoulder. Her eyes traveled to Harry's arm,
seeing what he had done to himself and they widened with shock, then softened with
understanding.

Ginny sat beside him, breaking Harry out of his shock. Her eyes were still on him filled with
concern. Harry put the marker in his pocket, out of sight, his face burning with humiliation.

"I'm so sorry for letting you and the team down, Ginny," Harry said softly, his voice cracking
with guilt.

"I know you are," Ginny said back with a concerned frown, reaching out and grabbing his
hand, intertwining her fingers with his. Her brown eyes staring at the ink stains on his skin,
the redness of pressing down very hard and the scratches that were crusted with drying blood.
"You can't change what has happened, Harry."

Harry squeezed her hand, wanting to say something in response but the words got caught in
his throat.

"I had to go through the same thing, remember?"

And with that Harry met her eyes, "Tom Riddle's diary," he said.

Ginny nodded, the shame and fear of remembering her first year at Hogwarts made her voice
shake, "It was humiliating, everyone was so upset because of me. I got in so much trouble
with my parents, and people got hurt… I know how you're feeling, Harry. I remember
wanting to rewind the clock to the beginning of the year and stop myself from ever opening
that diary, but I couldn't… Time will go on after today, and it won't be as bad anymore… The
team will forgive you…and so will Draco."

Harry only sighed at that, looking down at their hands. He wasn't sure if Draco would ever
speak to him again, let alone forgive him.

Ginny watched Harry's reaction to her words of comfort. "We still have a chance to beat
Ravenclaw," she said with a more business-like tone she used often on the Quidditch field,
causing Harry to draw his gaze back on her with a small close-lipped smile. "I'll play as
Seeker and Dean can take my place as Chaser. See, we still have a strong team, you've trained
us very well, and in a way you'll still be out there on the field with us through the tactics
you've taught us."

Harry started to feel his anxiety wash away with her hand in his, trying to distract him by
talking about Quiddtich, and knowing that he wasn't alone in feeling this type of
wretchedness and guilt. Ginny had felt it too and she found a way to live with it.

Harry reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, feeling butterflies in his
stomach at the way she looked at him. "I've told you that you were meant to be captain, not
me." He raised up his wand, "Accio captain's badge!" The little gold and maroon badge
zoomed towards Harry's outstretched hand.
As Harry pinned it onto her shirt, he couldn't help but look up, and he found Ginny so close
to him, her chocolate-brown eyes were all he could see, and he could smell a flowery scent
that reminded him of the Burrow, of summer, of the orchard. He leaned in closer to her,
butterflies fluttering like mad and creating bolts of lightning every time they touched the
lining of his stomach. He could feel the goosebumps forming on his skin, and suddenly he
forgot how to breathe as soft pink lips whispered, "I won't let you down."

Ginny's warm breath mingled with his and Harry closed his eyes.

"Even if we lose disastrously again, you could never let me down, Ginny."

Ginny's lips brushed against Harry, soft, warm, light as a feather. They weren't chapped and
rough lips that tasted of salty tears. They didn't take from him then pushed him away. They
didn't belong to cold gray eyes that made Harry hurt so deeply inside. This was different. It
was different and it felt like home. It felt like eating breakfast at the Burrow and lying to Mrs.
Weasley about eating already so he wouldn't hurt her feelings. It felt like flying in the orchard
then coming back home to eat biscuits and drink hot butterbeer in front of the fireplace. It felt
like laughter and woolen blankets, and chocolate-brown eyes, and being so very shy to just
grab her hand and when Harry did, it was like being lit from within… The spark Harry had
felt from kissing Draco was now diminished, instead it was a warm comforting glow when he
kissed Ginny back and Harry loved it.

Harry wanted more, he needed more, he pushed his tongue against Ginny's lips and she
opened her mouth, letting him inside as he reached out and pulled her closer to him,
wrapping his arms around her small waist. When they could no longer breathe, they pulled
apart and Harry opened his eyes to find Ginny gazing back at him panting for breath and lost
in a daze, her cheeks dusted pink but looking very happy. And Harry felt the same as she did,
not quite believing that this moment between them was actually happening.

"Ginny," Harry whispered, hesitantly running a hand through her long hair. "I've been
wanting to kiss you for a very long time."

Her eyes were on his lips, leaning forward and giving him a slow kiss that made Harry melt.
"Why did you make me wait?" she asked.

Harry leaned his forehead against hers, closing his eyes and taking a small breath, wondering
if now was the moment to tell Ginny everything.

"I was afraid of how you may see me if you knew what I do to myself sometimes…" Harry
choked out, his heart racing with fear of how she may react. "I didn't mean to push you away,
I was just dealing with myself, trying not to see myself as the freak I was raised to believe by
my relatives. I was trying to believe that you wouldn't see me as one either if you knew that
I…"

Ginny pulled away as he spoke, her eyes focused on him.

Harry felt himself blush, his hands shaking as he forced himself to not rub at his skin with
anxiety. He kept his mind on the glow of their kiss, keeping him present and strong enough to
continue… "I cut myself…or I used to… I haven't had a bad episode in a while. I'm trying to
stop, that's why…" Harry gestured at the ink and scratches all over his arm.

"Oh," Ginny said. "Harry, I could never see you as a freak, ever, and if you ever need to talk
about cutting or you need help to prevent yourself from doing it, I'm here, okay?"

Harry was surprised to hear those words from her. "You're not scared off by this?" He
gestured at his arm. "Most people would, I'm a mess, Ginny, you still want to be with me?"

Ginny leaned forward and kissed his cheek, her eyes were sad but she still managed to give
him an affectionate smile. "I've been in love with you since I was eleven, I don't care that
you're a mess, I'm a mess too. We'll both be messes together."

Harry couldn't help but smile, "Can I kiss you again?"

Ginny nodded again, and Harry leant closer to her, catching her lips into his and kissing her
slowly, enjoying the feeling of being so close to Ginny after wondering about how it would
feel like to kiss her for so long.

When they finally pulled apart, Ginny made a face at Harry, causing him to burst into
laughter, pulling her close and tickling her, laughing at her squeals and giggles. And even
after their bout of laughter, she stayed in his arms, both watching with amusement as
Crookshanks pounced around on the carpet, chasing after a bit of string he found.

"Harry, you never really told me how you ended up with Snape and Remus as your guardians.
You seem happier with them than you ever did with your relatives. I know they weren't
exactly the ideal homelife, mum always worried about you every summer having to go back
to them… The reason why you cut, was it them, did they hurt you?"

At all of her questions, Harry couldn't help but feel himself start to close up, it was all so
much at once and he wasn't used to sharing his tragic past with anyone other than Severus
and Remus. Till this day, after being best friends for six years, Ron and Hermione still only
knew just a bit of it.

Ginny turned her head to Harry, frowning at his sudden silence. "I'm sorry," she said. "That
was rude of me to ask…"

Harry sighed at her apology, pushing away his anxiety, his instinct to close up. He held Ginny
closer to him, bravely kissing her cheek with reassurance that it was okay.

"No, it wasn't, you have a right to know everything if we are going to be together."

Harry felt himself tremble, trying to gather up everything he was going to say. He pulled the
marker out of his pocket and took her hand, drawing a heart on her palm. The mindless
drawing, the feel of her small hand in his, it calmed him… And before Harry knew it, he was
telling Ginny everything.

.
The happiness Harry had fallen under after finally opening up to Ginny and knowing that she
still wanted to be with him, that she didn't see him as the freak Harry thought of himself as
sometimes, that she was one more person that he could completely trust knowing his past
along with Severus and Remus, was what got Harry through the rest of the week leading up
to Saturday.

Without Ginny, Harry wasn't even sure if he would have lasted those few days, walking
through the corridors was unbearable because of the Slytherins. He and Ginny kept their
relationship quiet. They didn't want the news of them being together to affect the Gryffindor
Quidditch team, especially that Dean was replacing Ginny as Chaser.

Severus was still very icy towards Harry, hardly looking at him during lessons and in the
Great Hall. It left Harry feeling dejected, but he understood why. He had really messed up.
Hermione had pointed out that Draco was Severus' godson, that meant he knew him since he
was a baby, and Harry almost killed him. Then he had the audacity to lie to his dad's face
about where he learned the spell…of course Severus was upset. But Harry missed him, he
missed talking to his dad. He just wanted to catch Severus' eye and see a small upturned
corner of his lips, telling him that everything was going to be okay between them. Hermione
told Harry to just give him time, and he was content and smart enough to follow her advice
this time.

Remus of course had warmed up to Harry again. During breakfast on Saturday morning, he
placed a comforting hand on Harry's shoulder while he was on his way to the staff table.
Harry turned around to see warm hazel eyes staring down at him, he got out of his seat and
threw himself into a hug with his papa, not caring that it was in front of the entire school,
whispering his apologies to Remus, who only held him tighter and said, "I know you are, cub,
we'll talk after your detention, okay?"

Harry was now making his way down to the dungeons with very low spirits, wishing more
than anything that he was walking with Ginny, Ron and the rest of the Gryffindor team
towards the Quidditch field. He had been hoping that Remus would be the one to give out the
first detention in his office, that way Harry could have a view of the match from the window,
but no, it was down in the dungeons in Severus' office with no windows and the room always
being very, very cold, despite of the fireplace being lit most of the time. Severus had left the
Great Hall early during breakfast, probably to get a sink full of dirty and crusted cauldrons
that needed intense scrubbing for him. Harry took a deep breath, preparing for hours of tense
silence between them and grueling work as he knocked on the portrait door and muttered the
password when he heard the cold, "Enter."

Harry was met by Severus' icy cold glare. He was sitting at his desk, Harry entered the room,
the door closing shut behind him as he stood in front of Severus' desk. He kept his eyes
down, hating the way Severus was looking at him. It was how the old Severus Snape used to
look at him, but Harry didn't call him out on it, feeling that he very well deserved this
treatment.

Severus gestured at a small desk and chair in the far corner of the office. It wasn't a sink full
of dirty cauldrons, but a stack of boxes full of index cards.

"You're going to spend the next few hours rewriting these detention records."
His dad got up from his seat, Harry raised up his eyes to see Severus flipping through one of
the boxes.

"You'll find some familiar names… James Potter and Sirius Black, detention for setting off
firecrackers during study hall… James Potter and Sirius Black, caught out of bounds and for
lying when asked why they were out of beds during curfew… Should be fun, no? It's nice to
see that their need to cause mayhem and their lying, their disregard for rules and anyone
else's feelings but their own has passed down onto you…" Severus' voice was filled with cold
sarcasm.

Harry balled his fists with anger, scowling at Severus' jibe, but he controlled himself from
arguing back, only saying, "Yes, sir," through gritted teeth.

He spent the hours rewriting the old detention records, his heart leaping with excitement
every time Harry read something about James and Sirius. He knew it was meant to be as a
punishment, seeing how much trouble his biological dad and his godfather were, but it was
interesting and amusing to see what they had gotten in trouble for. Most of them were from
just stepping one toe out of line with Professor McGonagall. One was of Sirius calling her
Minerva during class, which made Harry almost want to laugh. There were a few cards with
elaborate pranks that had gone wrong, Remus and Peter Pettigrew were often featured in
those. But the ones Harry hated were the records of James and Sirius bullying Severus or
Severus caught bothering them, making his stomach knot up with an ugly feeling. He didn't
want to be reminded of how his godfather and biological dad were bullying gits sometimes.
Was that why Severus had Harry rewrite these detention slips or was it Remus' idea? To
remind him of the trouble they used to get into, the bullies they once were?

Pausing in his work, Harry looked up at his dad, who was grading. Severus' eyes traveled
back and forth as he read the essay he was working on. Crates of student potions and scrolls
of essays were all over Severus' desk and in any available space around his office. Harry
thought about breaking the heavy silence between them, but he didn't dare. He looked back
down at his own work, pulling out a card and was surprised to see Remus' name on it…

Remus Lupin and Sirius Black caught in the broom cupboard by Filch after curfew… causing
Harry to snort out with laughter. He raised his eyes quickly to see Severus, who was watching
him with a serious frown.

"That's enough for now, I think. Mark your place so you can continue next Saturday."

Desperate to leave the cold dungeon so he could find Ginny and his team and see if they won,
Harry did as he was told without a word, mentally going through all the plays he went over
with them, hoping that most of them worked… His hands were shaking to find out if they
won or not…

Harry was just about to open the portrait door when Severus called him back, "Harry, you're
not dismissed yet."

He huffed with frustration then turned around to find Severus putting down his quill, his dark
eyes on him.
"Take a seat."

Harry followed Severus' orders without a word, his stomach clenching, causing him to feel
sick from the promise of an upcoming lecture.

Just at that moment, the door opened and in stepped Remus. Harry's eyes widened at the sight
of him, examining him for any clue to how the match ended.

"Ah, Remus, perfect timing," Severus said. "I was just about to talk to our wayward son," he
gestured towards Harry with a nod of his chin.

His papa was wearing dark-brown pants, a white shirt and tan vest with a blue tie, not a speck
of gold and red confetti or even blue and bronze was on him. Remus gave nothing away as he
sat at the chair next to Harry.

The way they were suddenly looking at him, so serious, Harry started to feel himself close
up, imagining himself placing some bricks where the wall used to be and he tried to fight
with himself, tried moving the new bricks away… Harry just couldn't stand being such a
disappointment to them, especially Severus. He was tired of receiving the cold-shoulder from
his dad.

Suddenly, a hand lifted up his chin. Harry raised his eyes to see that it was Remus. Then
Harry realized he was rubbing his arms. He pulled them apart and shoved his hands into his
pockets.

"Ginny and Ron made me promise not to tell you," Remus said with a wink. "I didn't give
you the detentions to be mean to you, I hope you understand that, Harry."

Harry pulled his chin away from Remus' grip. "I worked so hard for that match. I was forced
to let my whole team down. If they lost today because I wasn't there…"

"You gotta have faith in them that they can stay on their brooms without you. I apologize that
you're hurt over it, but it was the only way I could get you to understand the seriousness of
what you've done and to get you to understand that there are consequences to you lying to us
like that. We are your guardians, we don't deserve that sort of disrespect. Now, apologize to
Severus for calling him a bastard, for lying to him…"

"Remus! He tried using Legilimency on me! And he still won't speak to me!"

Remus raised his eyebrows, "I can have the detentions carry on to the next school year if
you'll like."

Harry sighed with defeat, keeping his gaze down, feeling thoroughly ashamed and chastised.
His cheeks reddened as he said, "I'm sorry, dad, for lying, for disrespecting you and cursing at
you…"

"Harry, you could've killed Draco," Severus finally said.

Harry finally looked at his dad, his voice full of the guilt he'd been under for days. "I'm
sorry," his voice cracked, his eyes suddenly stinging a bit. "I know it was stupid of me to use
that spell… I didn't really mean to hurt him… I really didn't know what that spell did."

"And that is where the problem is, son, don't you ever use an unknown spell on another
person like that again. You know better than that! Where did you learn it?" Severus calmly
asked. "No lying."

Harry took a deep breath, deciding at that moment to just tell them. There was no point in
keeping it a secret anymore, especially when he knew Severus most likely saw the book in
his head, and he was already in so much trouble that it cost him the last Quidditch match of
the season and endless detention. Maybe now he could finally receive answers about the
Prince. He always had a feeling that Severus might know who the Prince was, it was found in
his classroom after all. And Harry realized that he should've just told Severus about it when
he found it, keeping it a secret just caused a huge mess that wasn't worth the consequences.
That book belonged in the room of unwanted things, lost forever, and safe from other
students.

"The Half-Blood Prince," Harry said quietly.

Severus studied him, Harry wondered what he was thinking. He barely had a reaction. He has
to know who the Prince is….

"Prince?" Remus said with surprise. "The name you've been searching for?"

Harry nodded, seeing as Remus shot Severus a peculiar look. Harry whipped his attention
between them. That look just confirmed Harry's suspicions.

"You know who it is?" Harry said to Severus.

Severus only frowned, seeming to be in a silent war with himself. "That boy was deep in the
dark arts, Harry," he finally revealed. "Nothing good could come from that book. You
should've turned it in as soon as you found it, that's all I'm going to say. Do you still have it?"

"I threw it in the Room of Requirement, in a room filled with lost and unwanted things. I
don't even think I could find it again if I wanted to," Harry admitted sheepishly.

"Good," Severus nodded with approval. "Let it be lost in there."

Sensing the end of the discussion on the book, Harry said with surprise and frustration mixed
together, "You're not going to tell me more about the Prince? Only that he was a boy lost in
the dark arts? Did you know him personally? Did he go to school with you? Why was it in
your classroom?"

"I did know him, and he isn't alive anymore so there is no use dwelling on who he was. He
only wanted fame and attention in the worst way. Best not to give it to him."

"But, dad, he was brilliant, don't you agree? To be able to improve potions and create spells,
even if they were dark."

"Yes, he was very brilliant."

"Was it Voldemort?" Harry couldn't help but ask, even if it was very far-fetched that it was.

"Don't use his name, and no, it wasn't him."

Harry studied Severus who was seeming very uncomfortable now with all of his questions,
yet answering them as vaguely as possible and with patience. Another question popped into
Harry's mind, one he didn't dare to ask or allow himself to actually think about the answer…
Were you the Half-Blood Prince?

"Harry, I don't want to waste the rest of the afternoon lecturing you," Severus continued. "Do
you understand never to use unknown spells on yourself or another person? To never trust a
book that may seem like it could think for itself or have written spells or instructions that
may seem dark?"

Harry nodded, his cheeks flushing.

"And do you understand why Remus gave you those detentions and banned you from
Quidditch? To help you understand the seriousness of your actions, almost getting Draco
killed, and it being a consequence of your disrespect and lying to us."

Harry nodded again.

"No more lying."

"Yes, sir."

Severus sighed, getting up from his chair and kneeling down in front of Harry. "Mental health
check, let me see your arms."

Without a fight, Harry held out his arms. The ink stains from that night in the common room
were still there yet faded and the scratches he had done to himself were now scabbed over
and turning into white scars.

"Son," Severus could only say with surprise.

"It was a tough week," Harry said with shame.

Remus leaned over and squeezed Harry's shoulder with silent support, seeing the mess he'd
done to himself. "Cub, even when you're in trouble, when we're upset with you, still come to
us when you're feeling like that."

Harry only nodded, his eyes burning a bit and he swallowed from the sudden tightness in his
throat as Severus healed the scabs, leaving small white scars. He then began to clear up the
ink stains. "No more lying," his dad said again as he worked. "No more secrets. You have one
more month of term, please, for the love of Merlin, stay out of trouble." Severus then
muttered a spell, tapping his wand to Harry's nails, causing them to glow pink. He put the
infant charm back on to prevent Harry from scratching himself up again.

Harry grinned, "I can't promise you anything on that last part."
"Bloody teenager," Severus muttered with feigned annoyance, pulling Harry into a tight hug,
feeling all of the coldness between them melt away from their embrace. He missed his dad,
catching the scents of ink and coffee and parchment, and the scents of his shampoo and
aftershave from his morning shower.

"Are we okay again, dad?" Harry asked into his shoulder. "I missed you."

"Of course we're okay, we'll always be okay, no matter how rude we get to each other."

"I'm sorry for everything."

"I know you are, and I accept your apologies. I'm sorry to you as well, for trying to use
Legilimency on you, for being so cold and distant with you. I didn't mean to make you feel
alone. I just needed time to process everything."

Harry nodded, burying his face into Severus' robes, feeling a few stray tears escape. And
when they ended the hug, Harry quickly and quietly wiped them away.

"Do you want to talk about what you were feeling when you did this?" Severus said,
indicating Harry's arm.

"Not really…" Harry said. "Just that I was feeling really bad about myself and guilty and
worried for Draco… I visited him to apologize, but he wouldn't talk to me."

"I'm sorry, kid," Severus said. "Maybe it's for the best…"

Harry just shrugged, feeling deflated, thinking that perhaps his dad was right.

"Don't beat yourself up over what happened too harshly, it's already been done, you've
learned from this and now forgive yourself," Severus continued.

"Have you ever screwed up so badly like this?" Harry asked, looking at him with such low
spirits.

Severus' eyes suddenly clouded with pain and regret, and he didn't answer, or maybe he
couldn't. It was Remus who said, "We both have, cub, and you know who else?"

Harry turned his gaze to his papa who had been quiet during most of his and Severus'
conversation.

"Sirius, remember how he almost killed Severus?"

That brought his low spirits back up, "How long did it take for you to forgive him?"

"Months…and James maybe a few weeks…"

"What about you, dad?" Harry asked Severus.

"I'll never forgive him."

And for some reason that made Harry smile.

Remus suddenly nudged him in the shoulder, giving Harry an affectionate smile, hazel eyes
dancing with excitement that caused a prickle of it to develop in Harry, making him
remember why he was in such a rush to leave Severus' office. "You're dismissed, cub, go to
your team. They are waiting for you at Gryffindor tower."

And Harry didn't need to be told twice. He quickly leapt from his seat and dashed out of the
office with Severus shouting, "No running in the corridor!" ringing out behind him, followed
by Remus' loud burst of laughter.

Once Harry was gone, Severus sat back down in his desk chair, meaning to take a moment to
process the conversation he just had with his son.

"Why couldn't you tell him?" Remus suddenly asked.

Severus gave Remus a questioning look.

"That was a chance to tell Harry about your role in the prophecy and his parent's deaths."

Severus groaned at that, "I know… I know it was, but I froze. I couldn't open up that box just
yet… It would've caused a whole other argument."

"It's going to be worse the longer you wait, love, and you won't want him to find out from
someone else. It's better Harry hears it from you directly and not through gossip."

"I know, you're right of course."

Remus snorted at that, then said, "So, you're the Half-Blood Prince…"

"Remus," Severus groaned again, this time with humiliation.

Remus chuckled at his reaction, "How did you come up with that name?"

Severus felt himself flush even more with embarrassment and shame. The reason why he
didn't admit to Harry who the Prince really was, was because Severus was thoroughly
ashamed of it. He was able to hide that old version of himself from Harry, but not from
Remus.

"My mother's name was Eileen Prince before she married my father. When I was at
Hogwarts, I tried to disassociate myself from everything that was my father. I hated him, I
hated how he would hurt my mom and make her feel ashamed for being magical and talented
in the arts of potion-making. I hated what he did to her, and I refused to let him break me like
that. I refused to be known as the son of Tobias Snape and so I secretly made up a new name
for myself, the Half-Blood Prince…"

"In honor of your mother because you're half a Prince, your magical side," Remus said.
Severus nodded, "It would seem as if I was only bringing attention to my magical side and
hiding my muggle side with some superiority complex of pure-blooded wizards being better
than muggle-borns, but really it was only because I just hated my father so much. It fit in
perfectly with the Death Eater kids I hung out with and their beliefs on pure magical blood
nonsense. And wanting desperately to fit in somewhere, I allowed it to be seen as such."

Remus nodded with thought to what Severus had revealed, then he caught Severus' eye and
grinned, "Half-Blood Prince, it sort of has a nice ring to it, makes you sound royal as well."

Severus threw his face into his hands, feeling himself blush even more than ever before.
"Ugh, Merlin, please stop… It's so embarrassing."

Remus let out another chuckle, leaning forward and pulling a hand away from Severus' face,
tucking a lock of hair behind his ear and meeting Severus' gaze with a gentle smile. "Hey,
you were just a kid, we were all embarrassing twats at that age… I went by Moony."

"Moony is far better than Half-Blood Prince, it makes me sound pompous and arrogant.
Yours at least, was cool."

Remus snorted at that with amusement, then asked with a more serious tone, "Why couldn't
you tell Harry the truth about the Prince being you."

"Because it's not something I'm proud of. What I've created in that book, the boy I was, was
so lost, angry, and deep in the dark arts. I created those spells to prove my worth, I corrected
those potions out of arrogance, to show the Death Eaters I hung out with, what I could do if I
joined their ranks… I didn't want to show Harry any of that, that I was once proud of it… I'm
very ashamed of that book's existence."

Remus nodded to Severus' reasons. "I understand…but the potions you corrected, that isn't to
be ashamed of, love, it's brilliant, you should maybe one day publish your own potions
book… Just not one that caters to the dark arts."

Severus smiled a bit at that. "It's actually a dream of mine… Impossible…but still a
dream…"

"Who says it needs to be impossible?"

And Severus was suddenly trapped in beautiful hazel eyes.

"Are you going to get the book back?" Remus asked, breaking Severus out of his trance.

"No, it belongs in that room of lost things, just like that boy."

Remus stood up, Severus watched him go over to the small desk where Harry had sat during
his detention. Admiring how Remus looked in his brown vest and white shirt, the sleeves
rolled up to his elbows. Sometimes Severus couldn't believe that someone like Remus Lupin
could be in love with someone like him.

"When I told you to have Harry rewrite detention records, I didn't think you would give him
the ones from our generation," Remus said with a small laugh.
Thoroughly appreciating the change of subject, away from the Half-Blood Prince, Severus
stood up as well and made his way over to his boyfriend.

"I felt bad for him, I thought that Harry could have just a bit of fun reading what you and
your friends got up to, since he's going to be stuck rewriting these for a month… Also, Lily
used to be very proud of never receiving detention, which I don't believe, next Saturday I'm
telling Harry to keep an eye out for her name."

Remus laughed at that, carding through the boxes in search of Lily's name. "Hmmm…
You've gotten soft, my dear Severus, when have you ever felt bad for a student doing a well-
deserved detention?"

"Since that said student became our son."

Remus picked out a card from the box, reading it. Severus now standing behind him,
wrapped his arms around Remus' waist, hugging him close against his chest and resting his
chin on Remus' shoulder.

"Remus Lupin, detention for still not returning a library book a month after it was due…
Issued by Madam Pince… Ahh, what a little rule-breaker you were," Severus teased, placing
soft butterfly kisses on the back of Remus' neck, enjoying the vibrations of Remus' answering
laugh.

"Oh, like you were a saint…" Remus carded through them, finding one with Severus' name,
who lost himself to suckling at a tender spot on the back of Remus' neck.

"Ahh, here we go, Severus Snape, detention for… Severus!"

Severus picked Remus up before he could finish and carried him to his desk, covering his
face with desperate kisses, then latching onto his mouth as he sat him on his desk, kissing
him thoroughly as Remus began to pull off Severus' robes.

Severus was awoken in the middle of the night by a sharp burning pain in his forearm. He let
out a gasp, clenching his arm, he didn't want to go. The Dark Lord was calling him. What did
he want with him now in the middle of the night? Could it be about Draco's accident?
Severus doubted the Dark Lord would even care if Draco survived or not to do the task, as
long as Severus made sure it was done.

He quietly climbed out of bed, careful to not wake Remus up. He bent down, leaving a
lingering kiss on his temple, inhaling his sweet scent that gave Severus strength to answer the
dreaded summons. They had retired to Severus' quarters this time, knowing they wouldn't see
anymore of Harry that day due to celebrating with his teammates. Remus had told Severus
that Gryffindor had won the match and to expect Minerva to arrive soon to gloat about it…
and oh, Merlin she had….
Severus could see the crescent-shaped moon from his enchanted bedroom window. He stood
in front of it after putting on his dark Death Eater robes, mask in hand, watching the moon as
he prepared himself, mentally hiding all of his most treasured thoughts and memories behind
his strongest shields.

Severus found the Dark Lord in Malfoy Manor, sitting at the head of the long table as if it
were his throne. There was no one else in the room. Severus didn't dare show any emotion,
any fear, nothing as he stood before the Dark Lord, answering his questions about Draco and
if he was still capable of performing the task.

Severus was reminded of his Unbreakable Vow. He had felt the tug of it as he had pieced
Draco back together. What Remus and Harry didn't know was that if Draco had managed to
die on the bathroom floor, Severus would have dropped dead beside him. Severus should be
counting his lucky stars, thanking the universe that he was there in the right moment to get to
Draco in time, if he hadn't, everything would've been lost.

"Draco is recovering at a fast pace, he's set to be out of the hospital wing very soon. Before
his accident he was making steady progress. That cabinet should be fixed by the thirtieth of
June."

"And he couldn't have done it without you, Severus… And for saving his life… I've decided
to give you your reward early, to also ensure that you do not fail me…"

Hours later, instead of Apparating back to Hogwarts, Severus flew to the gates of the castle,
just as the sun was rising.
 That Tiny Pinprick Of Light
Chapter Summary

Warning: Thoughts on suicide, adult sexual content and self-harm.

I'm so sorry this was so late! I got hit with a massive writer's block, then I fell and
sprained my foot on the way to work, and motivation was just down, so I binged read
until I was finally able to come up with this. Thank you, all for being so very patient.
This chapter was actually cut in half, so expect the next chapter to be up at least by next
weekend, and it's still about three more chapters till the end. Anyway thank you for still
reading, reviewing, favoriting and following!

Chapter Thirty-Three - That Tiny Pinprick Of Light

Surrounded by constellations of stars, the full-moon, big and bright against the midnight-blue
sky, casted its glow over Severus. It dawned on him as he admired it, that Remus hadn't seen
the full-moon through human eyes since he was about four or five years old. Perhaps, one
day, they could see it together, Severus hoped as he sipped a bit of red wine from the bottle in
his hands, knowing in the back of his mind that a simple wish such as that one could never
happen.

Severus was sitting up on the ledge of the Astronomy tower with his feet dangling over the
edge. He'd casted away his dark robes due to the warm early summer air, leaving him in just
his pants, gray long-sleeved shirt and black vest. Taking another swig of wine, Severus
looked down, the ground so very far down below making him feel a bit sick. Would if he just
threw himself off the ledge, what if he just jumped? Then what would Albus do? Would he
find a new martyr to take Severus' place or would his whole plan just go to ruin? Was it better
to leave Harry and Remus through suicide rather than betrayal? But he couldn't help but feel
like those were two similar things. Choosing to leave them was just as bad as betraying them,
so was leaving them to deal with the chaos of Albus' failed plan should Severus go through
with killing himself.

Severus sighed with frustration, feeling the stress of everything as he took in a breath and let
it out slowly. Albus' plan had to succeed. It promised peace and a future for Harry and
Remus; it was the only thing that kept Severus going, the only thing that kept him still sitting
there on that ledge and not jumping to his death. Although, he wished he knew more of it.
The bits and pieces Albus had told him of his great plan was just enough for now, according
to the headmaster. Albus didn't think it was necessary to fully explain it to Severus, even
though his life was going to be ruined for him.

Severus took another drink of his wine, trying to push away those dark thoughts before he did
anything stupid. He looked out at the view before him. Just in the distance, he could see the
Whomping Willow where unknown to most of the students and Hogwarts staff, was the
secret tunnel underground that led to the Shrieking Shack, where Remus was currently alone
in werewolf form. Severus hoped this full-moon wouldn't leave him with serious injuries.
With only about a week and a half left before June thirtieth, Remus needed to be strong.

Hours earlier, after Severus had walked Remus to the Whomping Willow and through the
tunnel, leaving him sitting there alone and naked on that broken bed, and with the white gold
and black tungsten ring on Severus' ring finger for safe-keeping, Severus wished more than
anything, with desperation and frustration, that his Animagus form would've been completed
in time for tonight. Their first and last full-moon together before everything… And especially
with what had happened the last full-moon, finding the Shrieking Shack empty, the fear and
heart-sickening worry and panic Severus felt that morning strongly returned to him, this time
paired with guilt. It was those feelings that had led Severus straight to the kitchens, just as the
full-moon began to rise, grabbing a bottle of wine and situating himself on the ledge of the
tower, that way he had a bird's eye view of the grounds, watching just in case Remus left
through the tunnel again.

Severus really hadn't meant to drink tonight, knowing he would have to admit to Remus of
his slip-up, but tonight…tonight was hard. The passing days were bringing Severus closer
and closer to the dreaded task. The noose around his neck, placed there by Albus, was
becoming tighter and tighter to the point that sometimes Severus would find himself not able
to breathe. Everyday he would feel his chest tighten, feel his heart skip beats, feel the stress
and dread of it threaten to take over, but he would fight against it by making sure to hug his
son whenever he had the chance. To hold Remus close to him, to kiss him, to make love to
him a bit more longer than usual. Trying to spend every spare moment with Remus and
Harry… And of course, Remus had noticed…

"Are you okay, Severus?" Remus asked in a low mutter, out of earshot from the other
professors sitting nearby them.

Severus was cutting a piece off of his chicken with a knife and fork. "Yes, why do you ask,
wolf?"

Remus glanced around first, then leant closer to Severus and muttered, "You've been…been
very attentive lately…"

"Are you calling me clingy?"

"No, just that lately you've been trying to make it a point to be by me or Harry every chance
you get, like you're afraid you may lose us."

Severus didn't respond to that, just chose that moment to plop the piece of chicken he'd cut off
into his mouth, chewing slowly so he wouldn't have to answer right away.

Remus watched him with hazel eyes, soft with understanding. "You're not losing us," he said.
"Summer is coming, and we'll have all the time in the world together, even with the war going
on…"
And that was just it… Summer was coming and it wouldn't be what Harry and Remus were
expecting. Summer was coming, and with it, the end of everything and the beginning of a war
and prophecy… The beginning of a brilliant and terrible plan coming into place that would
ruin Severus, that would break him and his little family possibly beyond repair.

But Severus couldn't tell Remus any of that.

"You're right, it just feels like the war is coming closer each time I talk to Albus or get
summoned by the Dark Lord. I can't help but worry… I can give you some space if you need
it, I have a lot of grading to do tonight anyways…"

"Who says I was asking for space?" Remus laughed.

Severus rolled his eyes. "Silly werewolf."

With that conversation echoing in his head and what they ended up doing after dinner that
was certainly not grading student work, Severus chugged down a generous amount of red
wine.

"Dad?"

Startled at his son's sudden voice breaking the silence, Severus quickly drew the bottle away
from his lips, turning around to find Harry at the doorway of the staircase, pulling off his
Invisibility Cloak.

"What are you doing here, kid? It's way after curfew."

"I could ask you the same thing," Harry said back.

Severus huffed with defeat, facing back to the skies again. "I'm worried about Remus
tonight."

"Same, I couldn't sleep. I hate when he's alone in the shack. I was looking at the Marauder's
Map and I found you up here."

Severus had half a mind to scold Harry for breaking school rules by wandering the castle at
night, for breaking Severus' rule of not being glued to the map, but he couldn't bring himself
to do it. They only had days together.

"Come, sit with me," Severus insisted, gesturing with a nod of his head for Harry to sit next
to him.

Harry did as told, hoisting himself up on the ledge and settling besides Severus. His green
eyes widened at the view of the school grounds, the dark forest, of the full-moon and the vast
starry heavens.

"Whoa," was all Harry could say.

"I know," was all Severus could say, taking a sip of wine.
They sat in silence for a while, taking in the sparkling skies. Harry then turned and watched
Severus take another long drink with a concerned frown. The bottle was now half-empty.

"Are you okay? You normally don't drink in front of me."

"Fine and dandy… Do you want to try a sip?"

Harry grinned with surprise at the offer, "Sure."

Severus handed him the bottle of red wine, smiling a bit with amusement as Harry tasted
wine for the first time, making a face of disgust and immediately handing Severus back the
bottle.

"That's bloody terrible!" Harry exclaimed, causing Severus to laugh, finally pulling him out
of his dark and morose mood.

Harry smiled at Severus' laughter.

Once Severus was able to stop and had regained his breath again, he said, "Don't tell Remus
or Mrs. Weasley that I let you try wine."

Harry shrugged, "I'll be seventeen next month."

"I know," Severus said softly with affection, his heart now breaking with waves of grief
washing over him. He wasn't going to be there on Harry's seventeenth birthday. At least he
was able to experience his son's first sip of wine, but he still felt utterly wretched and broken
inside. "You know that I'm very proud of you… You've grown up a lot since you've come
into my care, don't you know that, kid?"

Severus could feel Harry watching him as he drank more wine after saying that, only to hide
his suddenly watering eyes.

"Why are you being so sentimental?" Harry asked worriedly.

Severus shrugged, "Can't your old man be sentimental about you growing up?"

Before Harry could say anything back, a mournful howl of a wolf ripped through the air,
causing them to both look at the Whomping Willow and beyond, towards the direction of the
Shrieking Shack.

"Are you still trying to become an Animagus?" Harry asked.

"It's not easy. It's going to be a long time until I complete it." Severus wasn't ever going to
stop waiting for that second heartbeat.

"Do you know what animal you'll be yet?"

"No, but I'm hoping to Merlin it isn't a fucking bat."

Harry bursted into laughter at that. Severus laughed along with him, surprised it was the
second time he was able to laugh tonight. He had come here to drink his worries and stress
away and just sit in his dark and melancholy mood until the sun rose, but Harry had changed
that for him, he changed a lot of things for Severus over the past year, and oh how much
Severus loved him. He wrapped an arm around Harry's shoulders, pulling him close to him.
Harry didn't flinch or stiffened, he melted into it, accepting the parental gesture with love and
trust.

Severus pointed to the sky, to the stars that resembled a million tiny pinpricks of light
twinkling through the darkness. There was always going to be hope, always going to be light
in Harry's future. He was the one that was going to survive, and for Severus, that was all that
mattered. A pinprick of light, a pinprick of hope that was getting Severus through the last few
weeks.

"No matter what happens, your godfather and your parents are up there watching you.
Promise me, Harry, that when the war becomes darker and it seems like the prophecy is about
to unfold, that you'll be strong. That if there's ever a point when you're feeling so low that
you need to cut or even…even try killing yourself again, remember them, look up to the
heavens and remember them. With them watching you, you're never alone."

Harry gave Severus a searching look, as if he wanted to ask Severus why he was saying all of
that. Severus hoped Harry wouldn't, he wouldn't know how to explain…

But to Severus' relief, Harry only said, "I promise… You know, I'm not afraid of the prophecy
anymore, Voldemort can throw everything he has at me, I'm ready, especially that I have you
and Remus looking out for me now."

Severus smiled at that. "Yeah, you do," he said softly. "Always, son."

And no matter what was destined to happen in the days to come, Severus did not intend that
to be a lie. No matter what, he was going to try his best to still watch over his son in secret.
With that thought, Severus hugged Harry tighter against his side for a brief moment before
letting him go, placing a kiss in his messy dark hair.

"Can I have more wine?" Harry suddenly asked.

"No," Severus said.

They stayed there for hours, talking about nothing and talking about everything. The wine
bottle stayed on the ledge besides Severus, forgotten and untouched. And just when the first
streaks of the dawn began to appear, Severus walked Harry back to Gryffindor tower before
making his way down to the hospital wing to meet Madam Pomfrey before finally collecting
Remus from the Shrieking Shack.

.
Days later, just before the sun rose, Severus suddenly awoke on the morning of June thirtieth
and he couldn't go back to sleep. The day he'd been dreading, it was finally here and he
thought he would feel way more different than this, more panicky and afraid, maybe more
angrier, perhaps even shitting his pants with fear, but no, it was a sort of calmness he was in,
some sort of a reluctant acceptance of what was to come, relief even to just get it all over
with. Severus didn't feel like himself, as if he were living through the motions through
someone else's body, seeing through someone else's eyes, feeling through someone else's
heart.

He turned over on his side, that way he was facing a sleeping Remus Lupin. Severus gazed at
him, taking in every feature of Remus that made him so beautiful to Severus. Memorizing the
steady rhythm of his warm breath flowing in and out, and Severus was close enough to feel it
tickle his cheek. The golden hair peppered with silver hanging over his closed eyes, past the
perfect arches of his brows. The scars running across his face, the shape of his nose, his
cheekbones and how his lashes were resting delicately against his pale skin. Those pink lips
and how soft and warm they always were when Severus kissed them.

"You're so beautiful, darling," Severus whispered.

He reached out and gently moved Remus' hair away from his eyes, gently cupping the side of
his face, carefully moving closer to place a loving kiss on his lips. And with his thumb
grazing that soft skin, tracing his cheekbones, Severus finally started to feel his heart start to
break with insurmountable waves of guilt, regret and grief, of hopelessness and loss. This
was the very last morning he would wake up besides Remus Lupin in his bed. After tonight,
everything was going to change forever, nothing was ever going to be as easy or the same
between them ever again. And the panic finally began to creep into him, grabbing hold of his
heart and wrapping around his chest and his lungs, squeezing tight until he started gasping for
breath. He didn't want to wake Remus up, then he would have to explain the reason for his
sudden panic attack. How could Severus explain any of it to him?

Severus reluctantly pulled himself out of bed, standing in front of the enchanted window,
opening it up a bit to get some fresh air, calming himself down by taking deep breaths until
he began to see streaks of the sun's rays across the dark-blue sky. It was time to try his
Animagus incantation to see if he had a second heartbeat yet.

Severus closed his eyes, pointing his wand to his heart and whispering, "Amato Animo
Animato Animagus…"

And then it was so sudden and surreal that Severus wasn't sure if he could believe it. He
gasped, opening his eyes and pulling his wand away from his chest. He quickly looked back
to make sure Remus was still asleep… Thank Merlin he was… Remus hadn't moved a
muscle since Severus left his side.

He quickly and silently retrieved his potion from his private lab, then left his quarters.

Not long after, Severus found himself sitting on the splintered wooden floor of the Shrieking
Shack; in the room Remus always performed his changes in. It was the only place that
Severus could think of without being disrupted. He had felt it, the second heartbeat, it was
finally, finally time to complete the final step of his Animagus transformation. Severus' body
was shaking so hard with a mixture of nerves, excitement and relief. He had been starting to
lose hope of being able to do it, but of course it had to happen on the very last day…before
Severus would be known to the wizarding world as Albus Dumbledore's murderer.

Taking deep steadying breaths, Severus closed his eyes, pointing his wand to his heart again
and said the incantation loud and clear this time, "Amato Animo Animato Animagus."

When he felt that second heart beat again, Severus instantly took the potion and closed off his
mind completely.

The potion tasted of frost and a strange bitterness if one should ever find themselves chewing
on frozen leaves and grass. It tasted of the moon and the stars, tiny pinpricks of light that
were cold as ice but fiery. It tasted of Remus, as if Severus were kissing him that very
moment. It tasted of chocolate and it tasted of coffee and peppermint and the scents of the
cabin. It tasted of rain hitting stone and grass, it tasted of the birthday cake Remus and Harry
baked for him…

And Severus was trapped in darkness until he began to make out an outline of a large animal.
He focused on it, waiting and waiting, thinking of nothing, standing in the darkness, reaching
out his hand until a furry snout with a cold black nose met the palm of his hand and his
fingers buried into thick, soft fur. Dark eyes were suddenly in front of him. They stared at
Severus, they stared and they stared unblinkingly until the shape began to form into a black
wolf standing in front of him.

Severus could only stare back at the large animal, keeping his hand on its head, scratching its
ears a bit. Dark eyes, as dark obsidian, just as Severus’ own. Their gazes connected.

"You're me and I'm you," Severus whispered to it.

As if to answer him, the wolf threw its head back and howled. Then it leaped at Severus who
wasn't afraid. He didn't even close his eyes. He felt the wolf jump into him, infusing with his
soul, and Severus let out a shout from the pain of his body suddenly changing.

When Severus opened his eyes, the world was different.

He couldn't help it, he had to run. He had to see the world as a wolf, the way Remus saw it
every full-moon, and in the light of the rising sun, Severus raced through the forest.

He stopped when he found a small pool among the roots of a giant tree. He peered down into
it, seeing the distorted reflection of his Animagus form. A black wolf with a frosted snout and
black nose. Dark eyes. Large, with a furry head and fluffy tail, but smaller than Remus'
werewolf form. He finally did it. He was an Animagus, and Severus was so relieved that his
Animagus form wasn't something small and stupid like a bat, hedgehog or even a rat. That it
was something large and strong enough to run alongside Remus and keep the werewolf in
check during full-moons, just like how Potter and Black used to.

Once Severus began to grow tired and the sun was high in the sky and bright, promising a
warm summer day, he went to the edge of the forest and closed his eyes, visualizing himself
in his human form until he began to feel his body change. And this time, it didn't hurt. It felt
so natural, as if he'd been changing from wolf to human since the day he was born. Severus
opened his eyes once he knew the transformation was complete, and was thoroughly relieved
that he wasn't naked, still in his pajamas. He was exhausted now that he was human once
again, his muscles feeling extremely fatigued from running for hours.

Severus felt different, like his soul was infused with another… His wolf form, forever tied to
him, forever in the back of his mind, and he found that he liked its presence very much. It
was like carrying a part of Remus around, just like the wolf totem he always wore underneath
his shirt, pressed up against his bare chest. Severus took out the little thing, examining it with
adoration and remembering the Christmas morning Remus had given it to him, placing a
quick kiss to it before tucking it safely back underneath his shirt.

And at that moment, Severus made his final decision. He wasn't going to tell anyone about
this. The excitement of telling Remus and wondering how he would react to such a surprise,
it all washed away, replaced with a powerful surge of grief. It really was for the best. They
were out of full-moons. They were out of time… After tonight, Harry and Remus wouldn't
want anything to do with Severus anymore. It was best to use his Animagus form to watch
over them, especially during the darkest moments of the approaching war. They wouldn't
know… They wouldn't know that Severus would still be watching over them, that was the
only thing that kept him from breaking down and the only thing that gave him strength to
walk back to the castle.

"Ah ha! I think I found one!" Harry said excitedly, waving a card to Remus. He was sitting
on the large windowsill in Remus' office, serving his Saturday morning detention.

Remus looked up from where he was sitting at his desk, grading piles of final exams and
essays. He was still exhausted from the full-moon that happened only a little bit over a week
ago. It wasn't too bad, just a few large scratches, a few new scars around his torso and a
strong bout of fatigue, but nothing that kept him bed-ridden this month to his relief. And what
made it better, was that Charlie, Tonks and Bill were able to prevent Greyback and Rowan
from attacking another kid that night. Also, spring term was coming to an end, promising to
lift one heavy load off of everyone's shoulders.

"What does it say?" Remus asked.

Harry looked at the card again, his face suddenly falling. "Wait, never mind, it's Lily… Lily
Hill?"

Remus couldn't help but laugh, "Keep trying, cub, Severus is right about her being in there. I
know your mom had detention at least once or twice. She wasn't exactly the goody-two shoes
that our professors thought she was. She was just smart enough to not get caught."

Harry let out a sigh of frustration as he began copying down Lily Hill's detention record on a
new card. Remus watched him for a few moments as he sipped his coffee from a Slytherin-
styled mug. He had once borrowed it from Severus and never found the chance to return it
back to him nor had really tried because it reminded him of Severus, especially when Remus
was missing him. It gave him comfort when Severus wasn't around, especially during his
long unexplained absences.
Remus had woken up late this morning, just after ten o' clock, in an empty bed, his hand
touching cold sheets beside him. At first, he assumed Severus was in his office with Harry for
his detention, it was Saturday morning after all, but then a knock on the portrait door forced
him out of bed and to his surprise that left his heart full of dread, it was Harry looking for
Severus.

They had decided to go to Remus' office, sitting in companionable silence as they worked.
Harry often reacting to the cards that featured the Marauders or even Severus a few times.
Harry asked Remus where Severus was and Remus didn't know what to say. He just didn't
know. There was no note or explanation left behind. Severus wasn't in his office when Remus
had gone in there to retrieve the detention records for Harry. Perhaps he was called away…
"With Dumbledore, I suppose," was all Remus could say, leaving a worry frown on Harry.
"I'm sure he'll be back. I left a note on the coffee pot in his kitchen saying we're in my
office." Harry had smiled at that, knowing that was most likely the first place Severus would
go to when he came back from whatever he was doing.

But now that the morning was growing later and Harry was already almost done with his
detention, and Severus had yet to appear, worry was beginning to blossom in Remus,
allowing himself to ponder who Severus was with, Voldemort or Dumbledore. He kept it all
to himself, not wanting to worry Harry. Remus was trying to be as positive as he could that
Severus was going to appear at any moment, safe and grumpy with a cup of coffee in his
hands. At this point, Remus didn't even want an explanation that could only lead to the same
argument that they had before about Severus' absences. Remus just wanted Severus to return
safely.

Thankfully, before Remus could worry anymore, the portrait door suddenly opened, causing
him and Harry to both turn their attention towards it. Remus let out a breath of relief. It was
just as he was hoping, Severus in his dark robes, his hair wet from a recent shower and a cup
of coffee in his hand and a load of student work in the other, nestled under his arm.

"Sweetheart," Remus greeted, the relief in his voice was obvious. "Where have you been all
morning?"

Severus' dark eyes softened at the term of endearment as he dumped his load of work and
coffee on the coffee table. Greeting Harry, then his eyes found Remus. "I fancied a jog
through the dark forest this morning," he said, giving Remus a kiss on the lips.

Remus inhaled as he kissed him back, melting into it, getting lost in the scents of shampoo
and soap, of coffee and toast, and strangely enough, scents of the forest. He was definitely in
the dark forest. Remus wondered why because he knew Severus didn't jog, but with Harry
there, Remus didn't ask.

"Is that my Slytherin mug? I've wondered where it went," Severus said, obviously changing
the subject.

Remus finished the last of his coffee inside of it. "I borrowed it."

"And never gave it back," Harry added from the windowsill.

"You're supposed to be quietly finishing up your detention," Remus said to Harry.

Severus sat on the windowsill ledge across from Harry, with his back leaning against the
frame. The boxes of detention cards were between them. "How is your detention going?"

"Hideously boring," Harry said as he worked. "I still haven't found my mom, maybe she was
right and she never received a detention in her entire school career."

Severus shook his head with denial at Harry's words. "Hand me a box," he said with
determination.

Remus watched Harry hand one over to Severus, who took it and started flipping through the
cards, causing Harry to snort out with amusement.

Watching them from his desk, Remus couldn't help but ask, "Cub, I've been meaning to ask
you… Well your dad and I both…"

Severus suddenly pulled his attention away from the box in his hands, looking up at Remus
with surprise. They had discussed bringing this up to Harry, but didn't necessarily plan on
going about it yet. Plus dealing with the full-moon, final exams and Harry being kept busy
with studying and detention, they hadn't really had time for it… Since the day after the last
Quidditch match, they'd been hearing rumors about Harry and Ginny Weasley being together.
Watching Severus and Harry together on the windowsill, Remus figured now was finally a
decent time to bring it up.

"Are you and Ginny a couple now?"

Harry's face instantly reddened, he suddenly looked down at the detention card on his lap,
taking extra care to copy down the information. "Yeah, we're dating now," he said with a shy
smile.

Severus leaned over and patted Harry's shoulder with a proud expression on his face, causing
Harry to bring his attention back to them. Remus cheered, causing Harry to groan out with
embarrassment, "Oh, bloody hell, stop… Please…"

"Okay, okay…" Remus laughed. "Would you mind telling us how it happened?"

Harry bashfully told them how he and Ginny kissed after the Quidditch match in front of
everyone in the common room. "I told Ginny about my cutting and some stuff about the
Dursleys… You were right, dads, she doesn't think I'm a freak."

"That is because you aren't one, you never were… The Dursleys just never understood you,"
Severus said. "I'm proud of you for telling Ginny, for talking about it with her…maybe soon
you can start opening up more to your friends."

Harry shrugged at that, looking out the window, his face red with embarrassment still.

Severus turned to Remus, making intense eye-contact with him. Peering into his dark eyes,
Remus knew what he was asking. He felt a small push and he allowed Severus into his head.
He's dating now… I don't know if the muggles ever gave him the talk… Darling, I don't know
how to start such a conversation!

They broke eye contact, Severus' presence leaving Remus, who almost laughed at the
panicky voice that rang in his head, of the way Severus was suddenly blushing as much as
Harry was, but Remus schooled his face into an expression of a serious calmness and asked,
"Harry, have the Dursleys ever talked to you about…?"

Harry suddenly looked at Remus, then at Severus with a horrified expression. "Oh, bloody
hell, this isn't the talk, is it?"

"Language," Severus sighed.

"We're only being concerned parents," Remus said.

"Ugh," Harry groaned out, suddenly covering his face. "They did…" he said from behind his
hands. "Aunt Petunia had Uncle Vernon sit both me and Dudley down when we were ten. It
was the most embarrassing, horrifying thing ever! And, I don't need a part two!"

"Okay, but we need to give you the magical version of that… Spells and charms for
protection and all that fun stuff," Remus grinned.

Once the talk was over and Harry was ready to bolt out of Remus' office out of sheer
embarrassment, Severus made him promise to join them later for dinner.

"But it's Saturday," Harry said with confusion.

"So?" Severus said.

"We usually have dinner together every other friday."

"I know, but what's wrong with wanting to have a quiet evening with you and Remus
tonight?"

Harry shrugged, "Nothing I guess… Papa's quarters or yours?"

"Mine."

Once Harry had left, Remus and Severus had moved to the sofa, both working on the last of
their student essays that needed grading for the rest of the morning and early afternoon. Their
deadlines for it all to be due was that evening.

Remus finally closed up his last scroll, then reached over and took the last biscuit off of its
plate and washed it down with the last of Severus' coffee.

"Very brave of you," Severus muttered as he circled something with red ink on the student
essay he was working on.

"I'm done, I'm finally done," Remus said with relief, leaning back against the sofa and
stretching.
Severus turned his attention towards him, quill still in hand with the tip still touching the
parchment, his eyes dancing with amusement. "First you take my coffee, then you rub it into
my face that you are finally free of grading… What have I done to warrant such ill-
treatment?"

Remus chuckled, sitting upright again and planting a kiss on Severus' temple.

Severus put the quill down, his eyes on Remus. "Hey, thank you for not questioning me any
further about where I was this morning. I did tell you some of the truth. I was in the dark
forest."

"I would be lying if I said I wasn't fighting with myself not to question you any further about
it," Remus admitted with a frown. "You hate running."

Severus only pulled his gaze down back to the scroll he was grading. Remus looked down to
see that it was Harry's final essay. Severus had mentioned that ever since Harry stopped using
the Half-Blood Prince's book, his grade has gone down between an A and E from a perfect O.

"Harry's going to be okay," Remus said with concern, seeing worry suddenly cloud Severus'
eyes. "He has us and a whole bunch of Weasleys watching over him. He isn't alone anymore."

"You're right," Severus only said, writing an E on Harry's paper.

And it was the way Severus had suddenly shut himself off, hiding behind his mask, trying to
appear as if nothing were bothering him…

"Sweetheart?" Remus said, reaching up and caressing the side of his face, staring into his
eyes.

Severus pulled his face away, putting down his quill and wrapping his arms around Remus'
waist, pulling him against his chest. "Forgive me for worrying so much," Severus muttered
against Remus' neck. "It's the end of the school year, and I can't help but think that it's just
bringing the war closer to us."

Severus started kissing Remus' neck, suckling on a certain spot that he was sure it would
leave a hickey.

"As long as we have each other and Harry, we'll get through it," Remus said, closing his eyes
and arching his neck to allow Severus better access.

"I did miss you this morning," Severus whispered against Remus' skin, causing him to shiver
with pleasure.

"I missed you too," Remus managed to say back as he felt Severus' lips trail up to the
sensitive spot behind his ear. He couldn't help but feel as if Severus was purposely moving
them away from their conversation, and Remus wondered why, why was the subject of the
war and Harry suddenly sensitive with Severus? But one gentle bite of his earlobe and Remus
lost every sensible thought in his mind as he gasped out.
Severus pulled away, his eyes so dark with desire. "Fuck grading, let's just stay in bed all day
together."

Remus laughed, "But deadlines…"

Severus stood up and pulled Remus to his feet, "I'm not taking no for an answer, darling."

Remus laughed again, reaching up and brushing a lock of hair behind Severus' ear. His
worries over the things that Severus was obviously hiding from him disappeared. It was silly
of him to allow that to bother him. Remus knew it was all for the war, it was all because of
Dumbledore. There was no use bringing up another argument about things that Severus had
no control over. And it wasn't fair to Severus, what he was doing for the war… His role in it
was one of the most dangerous and he did it without losing himself in his fear. Severus
Snape, a Slytherin that was hiding Gryffindor bravery underneath that mask of his.

And peering into those dark eyes that were gazing at Remus with such love and affection,
Remus couldn't help but remember how afraid he used to be to allow himself to fall in love
with this man standing in front of him. He was a complete fool to have wasted so much time,
to have kept Severus waiting like that…

Remus couldn't help but take Severus' chin and tilt it to the side, closing his eyes and slowly
pressing his lips against Severus' own that were so soft and tasted of coffee and biscuits.
Remus darted his tongue against them, asking for entrance from Severus who allowed him in,
and Remus kissed him so deeply that it caused Severus to moan into it, placing a hand on
Remus' arm and squeezing it tight as if he were dizzy.

"What was that for, wolf?" Severus asked once they pulled apart, seeming out of breath and a
bit wobbly in the knees.

Remus could only stare at Severus for a moment, considering his answer… Throughout the
whole year, Remus had found himself trapped in his own darkness and depression from
losing Sirius, from what had happened to him in the summer. A darkness where no matter
how hard Remus tried to fight it, it was always there in his mind, always pushing at the
edges, always threatening to sweep him away with its endless and overbearing, suffocating
waves… And there were some days where Remus didn't have the strength to fight against
it…

But now, there was a tiny pinprick of light, Remus realized as Severus pulled him close
against him, still waiting for an answer and embracing Remus in a tight hug so there was
hardly any room between them.

"What are you thinking about?" Severus breathed against Remus' lips.

Instead of answering, Remus captured Severus in another kiss, his hand now cupping his
cheek and feeling how flushed Severus had become, flushed and wanting more, just like
himself.

A tiny light that reminded Remus to keep fighting, to keep holding onto the few threads of
humanity that Greyback had never managed to take from him.
A tiny pinprick of light that was put there by Severus…by Harry…his family.

Severus moved his hands down Remus' sides, landing on his waist, lingering there for a
moment before he moved a hand further down to cup Remus' butt. Feeling long, gentle
fingers softly squeezing, caused Remus' breath to hitch and he gasped out with a sudden need
to press himself closer against Severus.

Remus moved his hand down from Severus' cheek to rest on his chest, just over his heart…
But before Remus could feel Severus' heartbeat, Severus gently grabbed his hand and tore his
lips away from Remus, instead, kissing his fingers.

And watching those chapped, red lips… Dark eyes half-closed…

A tiny pinprick of light that whispered to Remus, that yes he was broken by Greyback,
cracked down the middle so brutally by him that it was impossible for Remus to ever think he
could be put back together or even be the same again. Parts of himself would always be
missing, parts of himself that Greyback and even Sirius had taken that Remus could never get
back, but it was okay. Remus was okay with that, because he still had something Greyback
could never have, something still worth fighting for… That tiny pinprick of light, that tiny
speck of humanity not yet lost…of hope and love and family… That tiny pinprick of light
that was happiness… That was Severus and Harry… That was Remus…that maybe he didn't
have to let himself succumb to his own darkness… To hold on to the threads and never let
go… Something even mating bites couldn't take away.

With all of those thoughts racing in Remus' head, he felt himself falling even deeper and
wholeheartedly in love with Severus than he'd ever thought possible. As he watched Severus
kiss each of his fingers with so much love put into each gentle press of his lips, then leaving a
kiss against the center of his palm, Remus felt the wolf inside of him sing. The surprise of it
almost threw Remus off, it had been months of it being so very restless inside of Remus,
fighting for control to track down Rowan, recognizing the auburn wolf as its new mate.

Severus looked up, and he saw the sudden gold flecks shining in Remus' eyes. He raised his
hand to Remus' face, cupping his cheek, "Beautiful," was all he whispered and kissed Remus.

And somehow the wolf began to calm down and Remus had no idea why or even bothered to
ponder on it. He just kept kissing Severus deeply in return, tasting him, getting lost in coffee
and biscuits and ink and parchment and thoroughly enjoying the way his stomach fluttered
with pleasure and his heart was racing and the wolf was singing.

Remus then pulled his lips away from Severus', just for a moment, remembering that he had
never answered Severus' question.

"I just…"

Severus looked back at him with chapped lips and eyes that were dazed from their heavy
make-out session, yet full of curiosity of what Remus was trying to say. Remus couldn't
figure out how to voice any of his swirling thoughts in his head… About the waves of
darkness that he couldn't fight sometimes, of never being whole again, and somehow that was
okay, of holding onto threads and tiny pinpricks of light…
"I just love you so bloody much, Severus, and I would be honored to ignore your pile of
unfinished student work and deadlines along with you to spend the rest of the day in bed."

Severus' eyes lit up with amusement, along with a smile that reached his eyes and Remus'
breath caught in his throat at how attractive Severus suddenly looked to him in that moment,
but underneath it all… There was still that lingering worry Severus was plagued with earlier.
And all Remus could think of doing about it, was to take Severus' hand and lead him to his
bedroom, hoping that he could somehow be Severus' tiny pinprick of light as well.

Harry never showed up for dinner. Severus had half a mind to just stop what he was doing in
that very moment to go out and search for his wayward son, to find Harry and drag him back
to his quarters and sit him down at the kitchen table, but the only thing that kept Severus
from doing just that was Remus, whose calm and comforting presence kept Severus
grounded.

He just wanted one more family dinner in his quarters with Remus and Harry, one more
evening to pretend that everything was normal and okay and that they would still have
tomorrow, that they still had a whole summer to spend together at the cabin, just one more
evening with his family before everything went to shit.

Was that so much to ask for from the universe?

Well, apparently it was, and what Severus hated most about this, causing him to be even more
grumpier, was that he couldn't fully tell Remus why he was so upset, making everything more
frustrating than it should be.

Remus, who was standing at the sink, gave Severus a furtive glance as he charmed the dishes
to wash themselves. "He's probably with Ginny. Just let him be, love, I'm sure Harry doesn't
want to spend every weekend with his dear old dads."

Severus only grumbled and sighed out his answer as they finished cleaning the kitchen
together.

Once they were done and seeing that Severus was still upset, Remus pulled him into a hug,
wrapping his arms around Severus' waist, burying his face into the crook of Severus' neck
and shoulder. They stayed in their hug for a few moments. Severus breathed Remus in…of
chocolate and the fresh pages of a book, of rain and earth and leaves and something that was
just Remus…

"At least I've got you all to myself," Remus whispered into him, shifting his head so he could
kiss the side of Severus' neck. Soft kisses peppering his skin and leading up and along
Severus' jawline, reminding him of the hours they'd spent in Remus' bed.

That perfect afternoon with Remus in his arms, naked and tangled in the sheets. With the sun
shining in through the curtains of the windows and causing Remus' hair to shine golden…

Beautiful and enchanting was all Severus could think, it was all he could say as he pushed
himself into Remus over and over and over…memorizing the lustful pleasure and desire on
Remus' face, the way his eyes were dark and clouded with it, the way those hazel eyes looked
at him, and Remus didn't need to tell Severus how much he loved him, Severus could read it
in those enchanting hazel-green depths.

And beautiful was the smile Remus gave Severus when he finally released deep inside of
him. The laugh that vibrated from his chest and Severus didn't pull out right away, enjoying
the feel of Remus wrapped around him so warm and tight. Beautiful kisses that covered
Severus' face, and beautiful was the sound of Remus' voice whispering sweet nothings to
Severus as they sleepily held each other. Beautiful was the way their fingers laced one
another's, intertwining and promising to never let go. Hands that were destined to kill, hands
that shook at the thought…they grazed over beautifully flawed skin. Skin that held scars,
scars full of stories, beautiful scars that Severus covered in kisses all afternoon long.

A glow suddenly illuminated the kitchen, wrenching Severus out of his memories, causing
Remus to pull away from him.

"You wanted answers earlier, Severus… I must see you before I depart for one last
mission…"

Those words shot Severus right back down to reality, wrenching him away from beautiful
afternoons with Remus.

Once the afternoon had turned into evening, they had both forced themselves out of bed.
With promises that they would meet in Severus' quarters, Remus had to drop off his
completed grades in Albus' office. Severus had decided to hand his unfinished work over to
Slughorn since he'd been stealing his teaching post all year anyways. Just because Severus
was being forced to turn into a traitor and murderer tonight did not mean he was going to
allow his students to fall behind due to his negligence. He was just picking up some mead
from the kitchens, along with a plate of fresh biscuits to use to sway Slughorn over into
agreeing, when he had bumped into Albus. An argument had of course happened between
them after Albus had the audacity to ask Severus how his day was going, an argument that
resulted in Severus putting his foot down for answers that this time Albus couldn't deny.

In his irritation over Harry, Severus had forgotten about his request and Albus' promise to
finally reveal everything to him before the night was over, that the reminder of it was so
jarring, it brought the threat of the task hanging over Severus closer than it had ever been
before. It made him feel a bit disoriented. His eyes burned and he enveloped Remus into a
tight hug, closing his eyes and burrowing his face into him, taking in his sweet, sweet scent.

"I'm so sorry, wolf, but I must go," Severus whispered.

 It's You And Me
Chapter Summary

Disclaimer: Chase This Light With Me by Jimmy Eat World

I was too excited to wait for the weekend to post, please enjoy my new chapter and
thank you for the reviews!! =)

Next update will be end of October

Chapter Thirty-Four - It's You And Me

Harry was beyond furious at Severus Snape, he was pissed, he was hurt and he felt so deeply
betrayed by the one person who was supposed to…no…no… He promised, Severus didn't
have to, but he did… He promised to protect Harry, promised to love him and be there for
him as a father should for a son.

Severus… How could he? While knowing… While keeping this terrible secret of his past….

And the old mantra that Harry used to live by before he'd torn down his brick wall for
Severus, the words he used to repeat in his head over and over and over… To protect himself,
to protect his heart from breaking again, from going through any more loss and pain and hurt
and disappointment caused by adults who were supposed to take care of him…

Don't trust adults, the ones who are supposed to care for you… The ones who are supposed to
love you, protect you… All they do is lie and keep secrets… You're better off hiding behind
that wall of yours, where they can't touch you, can't hurt you, can't lie to you, can't abandon
you…

The voice was loud in his head, inner thoughts that Harry had managed to shove away with
each brick knocked from his wall… Now, it was back. Now it was wrapping its tendrils
around his mind. It was so very loud that he wanted to take his head in his hands and scream.
And Harry could imagine his crumbled wall. New bricks forming out of trust that was
broken, out of anger and hurt and underneath it all, he wanted to understand… Why? Harry
hated secrets, he hated being left in the dark, especially when those secrets involved him.
Severus should've told him. Why couldn't he have just told him?

Harry's hands shook.

He wanted to cut. The feeling was there, an itch that needed to be scratched.

The pain inside, it burned and it burned and it burned and it needed to be controlled, needed
to be felt from his flesh and not internally. He needed the pain out of his heart, out of his
chest, needed it out so he could just feel it hurt anywhere else than deep inside…where
maybe, it could hurt less.

Harry was so angry at Severus. He'd never been this angry at him before and it scared him.

Severus lied.

He kept secrets this whole time.

Why couldn't he just confide in Harry?

Then maybe, maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad.

Severus Snape was the reason why Harry's parents were dead.

Harry had run into Professor Trelawney on the way to Dumbledore's office. It had taken all
he had to not drop the tiny phial of Slughorn's memory that was clenched tightly in his fist as
Professor Trelawney told Harry about her interview for the Divination position sixteen years
ago, how it was interrupted by a young Severus who was eavesdropping at the door, hearing a
part of the prophecy she'd just foretold in front of Dumbledore; that very reason to her being
hired… The prophecy…

Either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives…

The prophecy… It was the prophecy that changed Harry's life forever… The very one that
Severus had taken straight to Voldemort that day, causing it to go into effect, causing
Voldemort to go after Harry and his mom and dad in Godric's Hollow sixteen years ago.

And while hearing all of this, all Harry could think about was how he was supposed to be in
Severus' quarters, sitting at the kitchen table with Remus and Severus, his dads, and having
dinner with them at that very moment… Not here… Not hearing from Professor Trelawney
how Severus had betrayed Lily Potter, had led her to her death.

Harry had just succeeded in completing Dumbledore's task on retrieving Slughorn's memory,
and at the time, Harry was hoping that Severus would understand his absence, that he
wouldn't be too angry or hurt over something this important… Harry was even preparing an
apology… Now, he didn't care about any of that anymore. And a part of him wished that he'd
chosen to go to his dad's quarters instead of drinking Felix Felices that evening, which only
led Harry to that very conversation with Professor Trelawney in the sixth-floor corridor. Then
he would've remained in the perfect bliss of never finding out Severus' terrible secret.

And Harry wondered… Was it this? Was this the thing that he would see in Severus' eyes
sometimes? It had to be… The thing that Severus had been keeping secret, what he refused to
confide about… The very reason why Harry had such a hard time trusting Severus at first…
It was this… This terrible secret… He led Voldemort to my mom and dad, to me…

This whole time… This whole time Harry was living with the person responsible for the
death of his parents. If Severus hadn't taken the prophecy to Voldemort, then that night would
never have happened. That night in Godric's Hollow, Severus may not have been there, he
wasn't the one who aimed the killing curse at Lily and James Potter, but in a sense, he was
there. He was right there alongside Voldemort with his wand pointed at them as well.

Harry's heart broke at that dark thought swirling around in his head. Bricks building back up,
forming a new wall. How could Severus have kept something that important from him? How
was Severus able to grow close to Harry, allowing Harry to break down his red brick wall for
him and learn to trust when trusting an adult as a guardian was such a difficult and fragile
thing for Harry to do? Knowing the devastation he had caused to Harry's life, all for
Voldemort… Harry realized that Severus' actions were the very reason why he was orphaned
and shipped off the Dursleys, having to bear years of abuse from them.

How was Severus able to look Harry in the eye, able to tell Harry that he loved him and that
Harry was his son…his kid… To trust him…that Harry was safe with him… To have Harry
tear down his wall… To trust and trust and trust, knowing what he had done… That Harry's
life had been hell, that his childhood had been lost because of what Severus had done… Why
did he do it? Why did Severus take Harry in when he had hated him so much? Was it all out
of pity? This whole time… Was it a way to make up for the horror of what he'd caused?
Severus killed Harry's parents…he killed them…he killed them… It was all Harry could
think about, the words repeating over and over and over….

And there was Albus Dumbledore, in his office, vouching for Severus Snape, as always!

Why couldn't Severus have just told Harry the truth? Harry understood that it was years ago,
Severus was young, he wasn't that boy anymore… Trying to remember that, trying to
understand, grasping for anything that could take away the hurt… There were so many
moments, so many moments that Severus should have taken, and maybe…maybe learning
about this secret, this terrible truth, maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad if it would've come from
Severus… Why did he keep it from Harry? Why did he lie with secrets… Secrets and lies
and being kept in the dark… Why did Severus lie? Why did he lie, lie, lie, lie? Allowing
Harry to find out about it from Professor Trelawney of all people? Did anyone else know
about this other than Dumbledore, Severus, Trelawney and Voldemort? Did Remus know too
or has Severus kept it a secret from him as well?

And it hurt, it hurt and it hurt, and Harry's hands were still shaking, and he still wanted to
scream and find Severus and demand him to answer all of the questions swirling around in
his head, forming his red brick wall back up, strong and sturdy once again, to demand him to
speak the truth. No more secrets, no more lies, no more being kept in the dark. Tell the truth
and maybe, maybe the wall would crumble back down. Tell Harry the reason why there was
always fear and regret in Severus' eyes when he thought no one was looking at him.

But Dumbledore was right. They had a mission tonight. Those ice-blue eyes grounded Harry
back from his spiral, and he knew that Dumbledore knew the terrible chaos going on inside
his head, bricks reforming and building, stacking on top of one another. Dumbledore called
Harry back to him.

They had a mission tonight. Harry had to keep himself grounded, remain level-headed.
Horcruxes… That was what was important right now. Harry forced himself to push it all
away and stopped his hands from shaking, stopped thinking, stopped feeling the pain and
anger and betrayal inside of his chest and in his heart, and how it must all be controlled.
Don't trust adults, especially the ones who are supposed to love you, care for you as a parent
and guardian should… They only hurt you, leave you, lie to you… But Harry couldn't exactly
live by that mantra anymore, even though it was so tempting to succumb back into it.
Because he had to still trust Dumbledore, not just for tonight, but because of the war and
horcruxes, the end of Voldemort and the prophecy. And he still had Remus to trust, because
he was his papa, the one who would always fight for him… And Severus… Harry didn't
know anymore… He didn't know… He was angry, hurt, betrayed, but he wanted to know
why. And that stopped his wall from completion. It stopped building, standing half-done…
Angry, hurt and betrayed, but willing to listen.

Once Harry was calm, Dumbledore explained to him about their mission tonight and sent him
to grab his invisibility cloak, to meet him at the top of the Astronomy tower.

Dumbledore was taking Harry with him on a mission tonight! He felt a surge of bittersweet
excitement go through him, along with a strong readiness for what the night may bring. Long
were the days when the prophecy scared Harry, when it felt like nothing but a heavy weight
on his shoulders that threatened to drown him underwater. Harry was ready, he was ready to
finally start contributing to the war, ready to take a step closer to Voldemort's downfall.

And Harry was now racing through the corridors, cloak stuffed in the pocket of his robes, his
mind racing as fast as his feet could carry him, with missions and horcruxes, with what
tonight may bring for him and Dumbledore. Not allowing himself to think anymore about the
hurt and betrayal and anger coursing through him as well, of shaking hands and needing to
cut, of dads with secrets and dads who lie, dads with unexplained and secretive grief and
regret shining in dark obsidian eyes….

When Severus arrived at the top of the Astronomy tower, trying not to bring attention to his
heavy breathing from the climb up the winding staircase and feeling that perhaps he was
getting too old for going up these damn staircases, Severus found Albus dressed in his
traveling cloak. His back was turned towards Severus, looking out over the ledge and out at
the view of the grounds and the sun almost completing its descent with violet and orange
streaks. Albus had his hands resting on the ledge, and from where Severus was standing, he
could just make out the headmaster's black and lifeless hand, a reminder of the curse that had
sentenced Albus' life.

And peering at Albus a bit more closer before taking another step, before alerting his arrival
to the headmaster, even though Severus was sure that Albus already knew he was there and
he was just waiting for Severus to announce himself, Severus wondered if Albus was okay.
The past few nights they had spoken, Albus had been a bit frail, a bit more weaker, his hands
often shaking. Pain and exhaustion would sometimes flash in his electric-blue eyes. Severus
never addressed those slip-ups, maybe he should've… Maybe he should've been more
understanding, stop being so angry at him for what has to happen, what Albus was making
him do. Because no matter what happens, no matter what plays out, Albus was dying and
Severus felt his heart squeeze with hurt and loss over his mentor.

Then Severus wondered why he was called up here, he wondered if this was it… If this was
the moment… He wasn't ready, he realized with panic. He had hardly said a proper goodbye
to Remus, and he had no idea where Harry was at the moment or even knew why his kid
never showed up for dinner as promised. Severus stuffed his suddenly trembling hands in the
pockets of his robes, suddenly holding his breath, holding on to his wand, trying to be ready.

Then Albus turned, and he smiled to Severus' surprise. "You still have a bit of time, Severus.
You can take a breath. I've only called you to give you the answers you've been wanting."

And Severus did just that, letting a breath out slowly. Albus stood there, watching him, and
for a moment, for a moment it looked to Severus that he was strong again… And was it too
much to ask if this could just be some crazy nightmare that Severus could wake up from? He
would wake up and Albus would be strong, his lifeless hand no longer lifeless. That Albus
didn't have to die, that Severus didn't have to be the one to end his life. Was it too much to
ask the universe to allow Severus to just wake up?

"Besides what I have to tell you, I'm afraid I have rather unfortunate news for you."

Severus sighed with defeat at that. Apparently, it was too much.

But there was just a bit of hope in him still, Severus couldn't help but ask, "Have your plans
to have me murder you changed?"

Albus shook his head with a sad chuckle. "I'm glad that you haven't lost your fighting spirit,
Severus. You'll need it in the days to come."

"Spit it out, Albus," Severus snapped with impatience.

"Harry found out about you being the one to overhear Sybill's prophecy and taking it straight
to Voldemort, resulting in the Potter's deaths."

Severus suddenly couldn't speak, he couldn't breathe, he could barely register what Albus
was telling him.

"What?" Severus managed to hiss out. "What did you say?"

"Harry found out, Severus, he knows it was you who…"

"I know what you said!" Severus suddenly shouted with anger and shock and worry for his
son, how he must be taking such news. And where is he? Merlin, I hope this doesn't trigger
an episode! The memory of a pale hand in the corridor, blood pooling around and the gleam
of a rusted nail. He had to find Harry. "How?! How the bloody hell did he find out? Who told
him!"

Albus explained how Harry had come up to his office, looking and sounding very upset, how
his hands were clenched into tight fists. "He was very upset, angry, and asked me why I still
trusted you. I was able to calm him down and sent him to get his invisibility cloak, he's going
to need it tonight. When we return, I'm expecting the castle to be breached by Death Eaters.
Harry said that Sybill heard cheering in the Room of Requirement, that means your spell on
the cabinet worked, Draco has succeeded in fixing it. It won't be long now, Severus. As soon
as Harry and I leave, I want you to start securing each common room, make sure no student is
out of bed. Keep them safe, and I want you to be ready to answer my call. We'll meet back
here."

Severus nodded once at the instructions, going over what the headmaster said in his head,
then he realized…

"I might have heard you incorrectly… As soon as you and Harry leave? Where the fuck are
you taking my kid?" Severus asked with anger and disbelief and worry.

Realizing if Albus was taking Harry with him, then Severus won't be able to see him or have
time to talk to him about his role in the Potter's deaths. Harry must now already think of
Severus as a murderer, a traitor and after tonight…once the task was done… Harry would
have his proof. It was done. They were done. And Remus was right. Severus should have told
Harry the truth sooner, rather than wait for it to blow up in Severus' face.

"I gave Harry a task a few months ago, and tonight he has finally succeeded. A memory was
all I needed from Slughorn, confirming everything I've been working on… It was the last
piece of the puzzle I should say," Albus chuckled. "And Harry showed me tonight that he is
ready to learn what I have been doing all year and why. He is ready to join me on one last
mission, that way he can take over what I have started for him once I am gone."

"Every time you leave the castle, what have you been doing? Tell me, Albus, tell me
everything. Don't you think I of all people deserve to know? Especially now that you're
putting Harry into possible danger tonight."

"You are right, Severus, you are right… You do deserve to know, the time is now right…
This is the last conversation we should ever have… I've been searching for Horcruxes…
There are seven."

And with that, the world seemed to sway and suddenly everything about the Dark Lord
slipped into place. Severus should have known, he should have known, or perhaps even
suspected it… The reason why the Dark Lord was so undefeatable, why his body had grown
as deformed and grotesque as his very soul, the red eyes, the snake-like appearance… The
fact of why he did not die as he should have sixteen years ago… It all made sense, perfect
sense, and now knowing this, Severus felt like he was drowning in the darkest part of the sea,
trying to find a light, trying to cling onto hope and when he finally spotted the white glow, it
was only from a monstrous fish, the ones that swam in the darkest parts of the sea. There was
no hope, it was all in vain to even try… Not when the Dark Lord has split his soul into seven.

Albus explained it all to Severus, it grounded him back to reality, brought him back to the
surface. A matter of business, it was always just business, the war…nothing else… And how
he'd been preparing Harry for it all along…

Seven horcruxes… And even if Harry found them, how would they be destroyed? When
Severus voiced his worry over that, Albus told him about the sword of Gryffindor, where the
real one was hidden, its blade once soaked in Basilisk blood, and what he expected Severus
to do with it to make sure it went to Harry.
Tom Riddle's diary and the ring were already found and destroyed, the reason why Albus'
hand was cursed, killing him so slowly and painfully. Slytherin's locket that Albus was
retrieving with Harry tonight… That was three down… And the others, the ones not yet
found… Helga Hufflepuff's cup, the lost diadem of Ravenclaw, and the one that was for now
unreachable, Nagini, the Dark Lord's precious pet snake… And Severus realized that was
only six… Only six horcruxes… What was the seventh?

Severus was afraid to ask the question to Albus. A small part of him knew, he knew but he
wouldn't allow himself to think any further of it.

"That's only six, Albus, only six…" Severus only managed to choke out, his voice shaking,
his knees trembling, his head spinning from all of the heavy information and instructions
Albus had been throwing onto his shoulders.

Albus' face then grew very somber. "There's a reason, Severus, a reason why Harry could
speak to snakes… Why he's connected to the Dark Lord in ways we cannot explain… The
very reason why Harry didn't die that night nor Voldemort and all that was left was a scar…"

Severus closed his eyes as Albus explained everything, and shock, paralyzing shock took
over. This conversation, this night, this moment wasn't real… This couldn't be happening…
Harry… His son… His son was the seventh horcrux… And then a thought formed in Severus'
head, a horrible realization that filled his stomach with such heavy dread and horror that
made him want to hurl his guts out…

"Albus, if you're right… If what you're saying is true… If Harry is the last horcrux, and the
only way for the Dark Lord to be defeated is to…" And Severus stopped, he couldn't finish…

Albus nodded, knowing perfectly what Severus was trying to ask him.

Severus shook his head, "No, no!" His eyes were burning, his vision suddenly blurry and he
brought his shaking hands to his face, rubbing at his eyes. This was a nightmare, a bloody
nightmare. This wasn't happening. This conversation wasn't happening!

"No!"

"Severus…"

"No, no, you're telling me that Harry must die!"

Severus stalked over to Albus, face to face, peering straight into those electric blue eyes. He
could just push Albus off the tower right now, at that very moment… Albus wanted Severus
to kill him, he could just do it, away from witnesses, that way Severus could take the chance
to cut his losses, gather Harry and Remus and run. Hideout somewhere in rural country, or
maybe somewhere out of the entire country, live out the rest of their days in cowardice
hiding, but that didn't matter as long as they had each other, as long as it saved Harry's life.

"Severus, listen to me!"

"The reason for all of this! Everything! It was all for Harry to survive and have a future! That
was the only thing that kept me going, kept me from taking him and going into hiding,
following through your crazy plans! And this whole time, you knew I was living on false
hope, that there was never a chance for him! You knew Harry wasn't going to see the end of
this war! You knew! What was the point to all of this? Albus! Why the fuck are we doing this!
I was doing this for her, Harry's her son, Lily… I was doing this for her, I've made her a
promise that I would watch over her son!"

And Albus' eyes filled with grief from the broken pain and heartache that shook in Severus'
voice as he said her name.

"I knew you two were very close friends, but I never thought that you loved her to that extent.
This whole time, I thought you agreed to watch over Harry because I had asked of it from
you… That you were only simply trying to make up for…"

Severus shook his head, not allowing Albus to finish. It was more than that… It was more
than that tragic night… The memory of himself holding Harry as a baby and Lily's voice
ringing in his ear… If anything should happen… Watch over him… Severus, do you
promise?... Harry's tiny fist closed tightly around Severus' finger. Big green eyes staring up at
him. And his heart filled with so much grief and hurt that suddenly it began to overspill, and
before Severus knew it, he was shouting out, "Expecto Patronum!" A happy memory… The
very last time they'd spoken, Harry nestled into his arms, a tiny fist wrapped around his
finger.

A silver doe pranced around the Astronomy tower, illuminating them in silver.

Albus looked at Severus in shock as the doe faded away.

"Why, Severus? After all this time? Even after moving on… I would think your patronus
would be a wolf now…to match your love for Remus, your Animagus form…"

Severus didn't have the energy to ask how the mad old coot knew about his Animagus form.

"Always…" was all he could choke out.

His patronus…everything… It was always all for Lily…to keep her baby safe… Severus'
promise to her.

Albus looked at Severus with a newfound pity and sorrow and guilt that Severus very much
hated. He couldn't speak. His hands shaking, tightening around his wand, just to keep himself
standing, from buckling to his knees and begging Albus to just kill him.

"I'm sorry, Severus, I know that nothing I could say can make this right for you and for Harry.
When the time comes I need you to tell him…"

And as Albus spoke, Severus started to pull himself together, listening how sixteen years ago,
a part of the Dark Lord's soul had attached itself to Harry's own, a small fragment that linked
them together and when the time was right, when the Dark Lord begins to fear for the life of
his snake it was time… That Harry must make a choice, but Severus couldn't help but wonder
if his son really did have a choice? He knew Harry… Severus knew him, he knew what Harry
would choose…

"When that time comes, I need you to tell Harry all of this…"

"Harry doesn't have a choice! What do you think he'll do without even sparing a thought
about it?! Of course he's going to fucking do it! No, Albus, no, I can't! I can't tell him that he
must sacrifice himself!"

"Severus, you must, you gave me your word sixteen years ago, you gave me your soul, that
you would aid me in the defeat of Voldemort no matter what it takes, no matter the sacrifices.
This is the very last thing I'll ask of you, and then you are free from my service. It'll all be
over."

"How would I even tell Harry this? After tonight, he's going to want me dead!"

"Harry will still love you. You'll find your chance."

Severus couldn't say anything in return, the shock of it all, and what Albus was asking him to
do… To tell Harry that he must sacrifice himself… Telling his son that he must die to defeat
the Dark Lord….

"It's the only way to end all of this… Believe me, I've tried researching other theories,
forming different plans that wouldn't lead to this… But none of them worked…none of them
were right… Severus, this is the only way. This is what the prophecy meant…"

With those words, Severus finally snapped out of his shock, anger running through his veins
and he was seeing red.

"You've been working on this theory for years, you've been training Harry this whole time,
since he's stepped a foot into Hogwarts, only so he could die at the right moment? Only so he
could die for your great plan!" Severus spat. "Like raising a fucking pig for slaughter! And
you want me to help you, no, you're forcing me to help you! To make sure that in the end
Harry knows what to do? Let me get this straight, Albus, first, I must betray my son in the
worst possible way by murdering you, and then when the war is at its darkest point, I have to
be the one to tell Harry that there is no hope for him, that this whole time he was destined to
die for the war, that he has to choose to die for it all to end? Fuck you! Fuck you, Albus, all
the way to fucking hell!"

Albus didn't flinch. "That is certainly right."

Severus stormed closer to Albus, that way they were face to face. He was pretty sure the
anger, the pain, the fear for tonight, for what was to come was storming in his dark eyes, as
he said, "Why did you let me pick him up at Privet Drive? Why did you let me adopt him?
Why did you allow me to love him as my son, as if he were my own flesh and blood, if you
knew all of this was going to happen! Why did you make this hurt more?! Why did you make
this harder? I was happy on my own, Albus, and if you would've just left me alone then I
think I would've been okay to follow it all through with you, ready to die for you, ready to be
a traitor for you, to sacrifice, to do everything you ask without a single fucking complaint! I
would've done it all like a perfect little soldier! And you only made this harder! Albus, for me
to do this to Harry, and to Remus, to betray them…and then tell Harry that he must choose to
die! Don't you care? Don't you fucking get it, how fucking messed up this all is?!"

"Of course I do, of course I do, Severus, and I'm sorry for putting this all on you… I just
wanted you to have something worth fighting for. I wanted you to experience the one thing
you were cheated out on your whole entire life…"

Albus reached up. He was a few inches shorter than Severus, gently holding the side of
Severus' face, his blue eyes full of grief and sorrow and regret as he continued speaking,
"After everything you've done, everything you sacrificed for the war, for me, love, Severus, I
just wanted to give you love in return."

A few tears slipped from Severus' eyes and Albus wiped it away with a calloused thumb. He
was sure that Albus could hear Severus' heart breaking, could see it in his eyes and feel it in
the warmth of his tears.

"And now having love, feeling it, loving in return, knowing everything you know, everything
I've revealed to you and what you have to do, what Harry has to decide to do… If you had a
chance to change things, to prevent yourself from getting to know Harry and adopting him,
from falling in love with Remus, would you take it? Would you give them up so things could
be easier? To fight this war alone, knowing not a soul once loved you?"

"No… No matter what happens, I could never give them up," Severus choked out. "But they
won't know…about any of this, I'm still going to do this alone."

"They will one day," Albus said.

Severus pulled himself away from Albus' grasp, wiping away his tears.

"Severus, I've made mistakes too…just like you… Mistakes so terrible that it was impossible
to think of ever continuing to live life normally again. I'm not perfect and neither are you, and
we must power through our faults, let our mistakes make us better versions of ourselves."

"What are you bloody talking about?" Severus could only mutter with defeat and heartache.

"I'm saying that we are so much alike, me and you, don't you see that? Just like you, I was
once young and foolish, arrogant, desperate to belong somewhere and be recognized for the
potential I'm capable of… Like you, I too had an unhappy home-life…and I too had a best
friend, who at the time seemed like the only one who understood me. I would've given
anything for them, you see I loved him just as much as you were in love with Lily, and it
made me forget what was important, who was important… Like you, Severus, I have demons
locked away as well, and like you, I have been spending the last few decades trying to make
up for the damage I've caused. Sacrificing myself for the greater good, it is my choice and
don't think of it as murdering me, think of it as doing me a favor. It really is the only way, and
if you can't see it that way, then do it for Lily, for Harry, for Remus… Trust me on this plan,
trust me when I say that everything is going to turn out okay."

"You sound crazy, you mad old coot," Severus muttered.

"Indeed I do," Albus chuckled. "Now this prophecy is going to happen whether you like it or
not. It is up to us, Severus, you and me, to get this started. You and me, to make sure this war
ends with our side defeating Voldemort. If he manages to beat us, then all of our sacrifices
would be in vain and all of our efforts wasted."

"I can't have Harry's life be a sacrifice!"

Albus sighed, "It all really comes down to choice. All you have to do is explain all this to
Harry and then let him decide what he wants to do. Like I've said, trust me, Severus. It's
going to be okay."

"Albus…" Severus pleaded.

"It starts with you and me," the headmaster only said with a solemn blue gaze.

And Severus didn't know what else to say anymore. All of the fight had gone out of him, like
a flame being snuffed out, all of his anger vanishing like smoke. Albus was right. He was
right, and Severus didn't know what to feel anymore. He was numb, and what was the point
to all of this? So that the Dark Lord could be defeated for once and for all? That the
wizarding world could finally know peace? And with his heart breaking, Severus realized it
was a world where he and Harry might not be able to see, where their little family would not
be able to exist in.

Severus ran a hand through his hair, pushing the curtains of his dark locks away from his face
as he sighed out with defeat, avoiding those annoying blue eyes. Harry had a choice, it all
came down to him, and Severus wished so desperately that he could protect him from that,
from having to make such a choice, but Albus was right. This prophecy was already playing
out, destiny was taking its course and there was really nothing they could do to stop it from
happening, only make sure that they did everything they could so it could end in their favor,
the ending that Albus was hoping for… If it really was the only best case scenario, if it really
was going to be okay, Severus had to trust Albus completely. And the anger Severus had for
the headmaster, the resentment…it all faded away, leaving him with unbearable grief…

Albus pulled Severus into a hug. Severus stiffened at first, immediately closing himself off
from such a comforting gesture, but then what did it matter anymore? Severus forced his
body to relax and wrapped his arms around Albus, hugging him back.

After all of this time, after every argument, everything that Albus forced him to do… Severus
was grateful for it. It made him better. Albus made him better, even though Severus had
fought him every step of the way and he hugged his old mentor tighter for a brief moment.

"Albus, I…"

"I know, Severus… I know…"

"Does this make me a terrible person, a terrible father to Harry for agreeing to still do
everything you've asked? Knowing that it would lead to him…"

"No, Severus, no… Harry is going to be okay."

"Is that a promise?"

"I'll take it to my grave."

They then pulled apart, and there was an overwhelming bout of pride and sorrow in Albus'
eyes that Severus had to look away. He faced the stone ledge, looking up at the twinkling
stars that seemed so very cold despite the warm weather. This was the very last time they
would stand together, and anything else Severus wanted to say to Albus got painfully caught
in his throat.

"You don't have to say anything else," was all Albus said, and Severus had to discreetly wipe
away a few more tears.

Footsteps suddenly interrupted the silence between them, they both turned around to see
Harry emerging from the staircase.

One look at Severus and he saw the anger, hurt and betrayal on Harry's face. It broke Severus,
and for some reason, he couldn't help but remember the last time they were up here on the
Astronomy tower together, never again would they have a moment like that now. It was over,
it was all over, and Severus wasn't sure if he could actually follow through with Albus' task.
Hopelessness, hopelessness and fear so heavy and dark suddenly weighed down on him,
threatening to swallow him whole. A gentle hand suddenly squeezed his shoulder, chasing
the darkness away. Severus looked at Albus, at his calm gaze, and he was able to pull himself
together.

He looked back at Harry, stepping towards him. "Harry, I meant to tell you."

"When?!" Harry spat. "When were you going to tell me? During our camping trip last
summer? That would've been nice, or maybe when we spent the holidays at Remus' cabin or
one of the many friday dinners we had throughout the year, or even during the last full-moon
when we were sitting up here together! Why couldn't you just tell me? And then I wouldn't
have had to find out from Professor Trelawney that you are the reason my parents are dead,
you led Voldemort straight to them!" Harry's voice echoed across the tower.

Severus stepped closer to him, reaching a hand out. "Harry," was all he could say, his voice
pleading for Harry to understand.

Harry saw the gesture, stepping back. "No, get the fuck away from me!" His whole body was
shaking, his voice cracked with hurt.

"I meant to tell you, I just didn't know how… I shouldn't have kept the truth from you for so
long."

"You're a coward! You were there! You were at the door, listening! You took the prophecy
straight to Voldemort! They are dead because of you! I ended up with the Dursleys because
of you! They hurt me because of you!"

"Harry, I know… I know the damage I had caused that night, believe me I do and no words
or apologies I could ever give you could make up for it, but I will still tell you how deeply
sorry I am for what I've done and for not being brave enough to tell you, you are very right in
me being a coward, son, please, look at me…"

Harry shook his head, refusing to meet his gaze. His body was shaking so hard and his fists
were clenched so very tightly, that Severus knew Harry was digging his nails deep into the
palms of his hands, that he was very triggered to cut, and filled with despair, Severus hated
that he was the cause of it.

"I trusted you," Harry said, his voice seething.

Severus stepped closer, Harry didn't back away.

"I know…" Severus said, allowing that as a sign to keep stepping closer, to keep talking. "I
know, Harry, believe me I know… I didn't mean to break your trust and I'm so very sorry…"

"Why?" Harry demanded.

Severus now stood in front of him. Harry finally, slowly met his gaze.

"I just didn't know how to tell you… I didn't know the prophecy referred to you at the time…
I wasn't thinking about how dangerous and precious that information was… I was an idiot…
and selfish, and I only cared about climbing up the ranks back then… I didn't know the
prophecy would lead the Dark Lord straight to Godric's Hollow. And that night, when it was
all over and I found out what I had done, when I found her there… I went straight to Albus
and begged him to kill me or even better, to allow the dementors to kiss me. I begged him for
it because I didn't deserve an easy and blissful punishment such as death. But instead, Albus
had bigger plans for me… That night, I gave him my soul instead of allowing it to be taken
by dementors, it's how I became so indebted to him…and still it's not punishment enough,
nothing would ever be, because what I did, I've hurt you in the worst way possible…"

Harry's eyes were glistening as Severus spoke, swirls of anger and hurt were the only thing
Severus could see in his green eyes. Severus fell to his knees, waiting for him to speak, to
just say anything.

"Harry, I am so sorry you were hurt because of my actions, and I'm not asking you to forgive
me. I will never ask you of that… I just want you to know how sincere I am for what I've
done." As he spoke, Severus reached out and grabbed Harry's hand, gently massaging his
hand and prying his nails away from his palm, revealing crescent-shaped marks etched into
his skin

"Why couldn't you just tell me?" Harry asked.

"Because you are very right, I am a coward. I was afraid of how you would react to the truth,
how you would see me. I was afraid that you may not want me as your dad anymore,"
Severus admitted, as he took Harry's other hand and applied the same ministrations to get him
to relax, to get his nails away from his palm.

Harry suddenly threw himself into Severus' arms. Caught with surprise, Severus held his son
tight, closing his eyes, knowing that this was going to be the very last time they hugged each
other like this.

"Please, stay safe," Severus said as they hugged. "Do everything Dumbledore tells you to do
and no stupid heroic acts either, stay sensible. I want you back in one piece…"

"So we could talk more about this?"

They pulled apart and Severus looked into Harry's eyes that were still full of hurt, and it felt
like it was another person who nodded his head, another person who spoke, "Yes, we can
continue talking about this when you return."

Severus stood back up, he looked at Harry again and smiled, "I love you, kid, no matter
what."

"I love you too, dad," Harry said softly.

And all Severus could do was watch his son leave the safety of the castle with Albus, feeling
as if his heart was wrenched out of its place and going along with them.

Just before Severus went back to his quarters, he did a few rounds around the castle, making
sure every student was in bed just as Albus had asked of him, warding the corridors to keep
them all safe. And once he was done with that, he went back to his quarters. Now the only
thing left to do was wait.

He found Remus asleep, curled up on his sofa with his notebook in his hands, as if he had
fallen asleep while writing and waiting for Severus to return. Guilt pooled in Severus'
stomach, it seemed like Remus was always waiting for him to return these days. After
tonight, he wouldn't have to anymore…

Severus leaned over and kissed him gently on the lips, causing Remus to stir, opening his
eyes and blinking sleepily up at him.

"Severus?"

"I apologize for keeping you waiting, let's go to bed?" Because that was all Severus wanted to
do, to spend his last few hours holding the man he loved and nothing else.

Remus stretched, Severus couldn't help but admire the way his muscles flexed, the way his
old Beatles t-shirt rode up a bit, revealing his waist.

Remus smiled when he caught Severus staring and held a hand out to him so Severus could
pull him up to his feet.

"Can we sleep in your bed tonight?" Severus asked.

Remus gave him a peculiar look, "But we're already in your quarters."
"I always sleep easier in your bed with you."

They flooed to Remus' quarters, and once they were both settled in bed and Severus was
holding Remus against him, golden hair tickling his nose, Remus' fingers intertwined with
Severus' own, who asked, "What were you writing tonight?"

"A song I've been working on for you, it's finished."

Severus laid gentle kisses on Remus' face, his cheeks, his nose, his forehead, his eyelids.

"I'm honored, can you sing it to me?"

Remus captured Severus' lingering lips, giving him a slow heartfelt kiss that made Severus
close his eyes and his heart to melt…to break… Memorizing this kiss, memorizing it and
storing it away so that it could be with him when he couldn't sleep at night, couldn't breath,
couldn't find the will to live…

"For you, Severus? I'll do anything," Remus whispered against his lips.

Severus pulled away, wondering if Remus would still say that after tonight. He settled deeper
into the mattress, burying his face against Remus, feeling the vibrations in his chest as his
sleep-filled voice so enchanting, rang out…

"I'm a suspect, I'm a traitor,

I'm only here in body visiting.

Yellow faces in the distance screams,

The beauty is in what isn't said, I'm rising to my feet,

Because tonight, the world turned in me.

Because right now, I don't dare to breathe.

Oh, babe, I know, it's alive and somewhere for us to find,

Tonight, oh chase this light with me.

My just so, my last call,

My life is yours in your gifted hands.

Confetti rainfall in a quiet street.

These things I've found are special now,

The knot is in my reach,

Because tonight, the world turned in me.

Because right now, I don't dare to breathe.

Oh, babe, I know, it's alive and somewhere for us to find,

Tonight, oh chase this light with me…"

While he was singing, Remus nodded off back to sleep. And when Severus realized that, he
held him closer. Taking in every single detail of this moment.

Severus didn't sleep, even though he knew he should, just for the last few hours, but no
matter how much his brain was telling him it would be the smart idea, that he would need the
rest, Severus couldn't. He couldn't miss the last time he would ever hold Remus like this
again… He couldn't let this end… And frustration and anger rushed through him, frustration
and anger on how trapped he felt underneath the hold he was in under Albus Dumbledore,
trapped with the noose around his neck and Severus couldn't break free, not even for Remus,
not even for Harry. Severus wasn't strong enough, and all he could do was lay there, awake,
memorizing the shape of Remus fitting so perfectly in his arms.

And as the hours passed… The only sounds were the tickings of the clock and the soft, heavy
breathing coming from Remus. Severus placing soft and grief-filled kisses on every part of
Remus that he could reach without disturbing his sleep.

Severus didn't allow himself to think about what was to come anymore. Just focused on
Remus' breaths, counting them, focused on the softness of his skin against his own, how it
felt against Severus' lips, the softness of the material of Remus' pajamas, the warmth of him.
Remus' scent, so sweet and enticing and so comforting, how it made Severus think of coffee
and books and chocolate and home. A cabin in the woods and an old stuffed teddy with an
ear missing. Wooden wolf totems and tungsten and white gold rings. Severus kissed Remus’
fingers, thinking how beautiful Remus' voice was, even though it had been heavy with sleep,
had echoed in the bedroom before he'd fallen asleep. Of notebooks and guitars and lyrics that
meant more to Severus, hitting him deep into his soul than Remus would ever know. He
didn't even get to tell Remus what he'd thought of the song…and a hot and heavy tear
streamed down, landing in Remus' hair.

The clock struck midnight, causing Severus to let out a shaky breath. One last kiss, leaving it
lingering and heartbroken on Remus' forehead, inhaling his sweet scent one more time.

Coffee and books and chocolate and home…

"Darling... I'm so sorry for hurting you… I hope…please…forgive me…" Severus whispered,
his eyes burning and his throat aching. More heavy and hot tears escaping.
He climbed out of bed, his entire body was shaking. He took one last look at Remus, then
reached over and picked up his muggle notebook, flipping through the pages until he found
the final draft of the song Remus had sung to him before falling asleep. He ripped out the
pages carefully, then folded them into the pockets of his pajama pants.

And back in his own quarters, standing in his living room, Severus waited for his death
sentence, the noose around his neck felt so very tight, waiting for the stool underneath him to
be kicked out from under his feet. Severus had changed out of his pajamas and back into his
robes, regretfully taking away the last of the warmth he felt from holding Remus, now all he
felt was icy cold fear. He kept his hands in his pockets feeling the papers he tore out from
Remus' notebook, giving him strength to keep standing, to not fall to his knees… Remus'
voice rang in his head…

Because tonight, the world turned in me.

Because right now, I don't dare to breathe.

Oh, babe, I know, it's alive and somewhere for us to find,

Tonight, oh chase this light with me…

Loud frantic knocking suddenly broke the tense silence of his quarters, chasing Remus' song
out of Severus' head, causing him to jump. His heart skipped several beats, he couldn't
breathe, he was going to be sick and he never knew his body could shake so hard as it was in
that moment. He couldn't answer the knocking, he couldn't find his voice. He had to pull
himself together, and he gripped the edge of the sofa so tight that his knuckles grew white.

This was it, he couldn't do it. But he had to… Albus finally kicked the stool from under his
feet and now his life was hanging…

"Albus…" Severus pleaded.

"It starts with you and me," the headmaster only said with a solemn blue gaze.

Severus took several deep breaths, closing off his mind, blocking off every emotion going
through him that moment. He had to, in order to do what he had to do…

Another round of intense knocking, louder than the first round, snapped Severus back. He
flinched, opening his eyes and drawing out his wand. He was ready.

He opened the portrait door, and Flitwick came in with panic etched into his face, his skin
white and shiny with sweat and fear.

"Severus! We've been breached! Death Eaters in the castle!"

"Stupefy!" Severus shouted.

The tiny Charms Professor slumped to the floor. Severus stepped over him and immediately
left his quarters, leaving the door open so that Flitwick could be found.
Severus was just at the end of the hall when he met Lovegood and Granger.

"What are you doing here?!" he snarled. "Never mind, go to my quarters. Flitwick hit his
head, he needs help. I have to go assist with the Death Eaters!"

The girls only stared at him with shock.

Severus didn't waste anymore time, he took off straight to the Astronomy tower.

The glow of dueling broke the darkness of the corridor. He ran on ahead, forcing himself to
not look around and see who was there, and through the chaos, the sounds of people dueling
and spells being fired from both sides, and a voice, a voice that almost stopped him…
"Severus! They're upstairs! Death Eaters and Malfoy with Dumbledore and Harry!"

Severus ran to the stairs, feeling the cold sensation of a barrier letting him through, feeling
the energy of Greyback's magical signature.

"Severus?!" Remus called from behind him, along with the sounds of him trying to get
through, but Severus didn't look back. He kept running, his heart beating, his heart breaking.

As Severus climbed up and up, the echoes of the dueling downstairs along with Remus
calling after him left him behind. It was silent in the flickering, circular stairwell, until he
heard the voices. Voices encouraging Draco to cast the killing curse at Albus. Albus speaking
to Draco, pleading with him. Draco's voice, shaking and full of fear. Cruel familiar laughter
that caused the hair on the back of Severus' neck to rise. A familiar growl that made him
shake with anger this time, made him climb the stairs faster, his breath coming out hot and
heavy and fast from his nose. He couldn't hear Harry and he prayed to Merlin that his son
was safe.

With spots clouding his vision, still gasping for breath and trying to get it under control,
feeling trickles of sweat rolling down his face and neck, Severus was almost at the top, that
when he looked up he could see them from the cracks beneath the floorboards, Bellatrix
whispering in Draco's ear. Amycus and Alecto standing behind them on each side, their
wands pointed at Albus. Greyback just behind them, baring his fangs and growling.

Severus kept going and just before the last steps, in the small dark space just underneath the
floorboards, he found his son. Harry was standing so silent with his wand pointing directly
up. He whipped around, facing Severus, terror was etched onto his face, his body shaking.
With his wand out, Severus put a finger to his lips, warning Harry to be silent. With wide
eyes full of desperate relief and fear, Harry nodded. Severus stepped forward, picking the
invisibility cloak up from the floor and throwing it over Harry.

In a moment like this… Harry trusted him… And Severus didn't allow himself to think about
that at all, that Harry was expecting Severus to save Albus and Draco from the Death
Eaters… Severus backed away, tearing his eyes away from the spot he knew his son was
standing in as he disassociated himself from his mind, from his heart, from his soul. It was
someone else who climbed the last few steps. It was someone else who stepped out from
behind the Death Eaters, someone else who pushed Draco away and met Albus' blue gaze
with an empty expression.
"Severus…"

That voice… The desperate plea… Severus stepped forward. The Death Eaters quieted down,
caught in suspense to see what Severus would do, what side he was on… The Dark Lord or
Albus Dumbledore… Neither… It was neither… His heart was with Remus, it was with
Harry… And Severus' mask slipped… Talented as he was, Severus caught it and twisted his
face into anger, into resentment all directed towards Albus. Right now he had to be on the
Dark Lord's side, it was his task… It was what he was forced to do…

Severus raised his eyes to Albus Dumbledore, who didn't show him any fear or grief…
Holding his stare and pushing through the barriers of the headmaster's mind…

This is what you wanted me to do!

Severus, it's okay, it's you and me…

You and me, you blasted old fool, you and me… I hate you, Albus, I hate you!

I know, and I'll be with you every step of the way after this… You won't be alone…

I hate you!

"Severus, please…" Albus said, and they lost their connection.

Severus raised his wand and shouted, "Avada Kedavra!"

Green light blinded Severus, followed by the laughter of Bellatrix Lestrange.

 Screaming At The Sky

Chapter Thirty-Five - Screaming At The Sky

Remus was running up that slope, stuck in the same old dream. As always, the black wolf was
waiting for him at the top, staring down at him with wide dark eyes, dark eyes that were so
achingly familiar that he thought of Severus.

For the first time, Remus stopped focusing on his destination, just like what Severus had once
told him. He looked around, observing his surroundings, observing the wolf on the hill, then
he realized he was much closer to the top of the slope than he'd ever been, so close he was
able to see the black wolf more clearly. He could see its dark eyes, its frosted snout, could see
how much smaller it was than Remus' own wolf form, yet powerful muscles rippled
underneath that dark coat.

The sun was rising in the sky behind it, and the wolf lifted up its head and sang. Remus lifted
his own, ready to join in when suddenly everything began to fade away…

And there was only darkness, the kind of warm darkness one would get before waking and
Remus could hear the whispers in his ear…

We are waiting for you, alpha…

We are waiting…

We are waiting…

Alpha, where are you….

Where are you…

We are waiting…

Alpha….

Remus suddenly jolted awake with a gasp, reaching out a hand to Severus for comfort, to
ground him back to reality, to chase away the lingering whispers that stirred the wolf into
restlessness, but he only found an empty space and cold sheets. Remus pulled himself up into
a sitting position with a groan, looking around the room. Judging by the quietness of his
quarters, he got the sense that he was alone. Remus wondered if Severus had gotten called
away again while he was asleep.

Suddenly, intense and loud rapid knocking disturbed the quietness of his quarters.

Remus jumped from the sudden noise, grabbing his wand from the night table. Something
was wrong, he could feel it. The wolf inside him could sense it too, it growled, causing
Remus' soul to vibrate. He allowed the growl to rumble out of his throat and he caught his
reflection in the window, golden-flecked eyes stared back at him. Remus then turned towards
the clock on his night table as another round of knocking got him out of bed, pulling on jeans
and a shirt and a set of robes. It was just a few hours after midnight.

"Remus!" Tonks shouted from the other side of the door. Her voice full of panic as she
banged on the door. "Remus! Open the door!"

Something was definitely wrong.

Remus hurried through the living room to his door, opening it to find Tonks out in the
corridor. Her wand was up and ready to defend. In the flickering light from the sconces on the
wall, Remus could see the fear and urgency on her face.

"Dora?! What's wrong?" he asked, joining her out in the corridor, the door to his quarters
closing shut behind him.

Without wasting any more time, Tonks immediately started leading Remus down the corridor
and up the stairs. Remus had no choice but to follow after her with his wand out and ready.

"The castle is under attack!" Tonks breathlessly explained. "Death Eaters on the sixth floor,
most likely heading to the Astronomy tower!"

At that, they quickened their pace, Tonks explaining in more detail to Remus. How Harry had
gone on a mission with Dumbledore tonight, how Trelawney had heard Draco Malfoy
celebrating in the Room of Requirement and told Harry about it. That he was sure Malfoy
was going to use Dumbledore's absence to bring in Death Eaters. How Harry had tipped off
his friends before he left. How Tonks, Bill and Charlie had just arrived to the castle, having
lost Greyback's trail in Knockturn Alley and were going to alert Dumbledore about it, but
they had run into Ron, Neville and Ginny, quickly telling them everything that had happened,
that Death Eaters were in the castle and heading to the Astronomy tower. Bill and Charlie had
bolted to the sixth floor, while the kids went to alert McGonagall. Tonks had gone straight to
Remus.

"Why do you think they are heading to the Astronomy tower?" Remus gasped as they
climbed the last set of stairs.

"I don't know, Albus and Harry were out on a mission, you don't think that's where they are
returning? You don't think the Death Eaters could be after them?"

And Remus blanched with panic, "I think that's exactly what they are doing! They are going
to ambush them!"

They bolted up the last flight and down the corridor, the sounds of dueling could already be
heard before they could even see the battle.

Tonks and Remus stopped in their tracks for a moment as soon as they arrived. Death Eaters,
a good number of them were guarding the stairs to the Astronomy tower. The doorway was
glimmering, the signs of a barrier. Remus was sure it was them who put it up. McGonagall,
Sprout, Vector, and Slughorn were there, along with Bill and Charlie, and Harry's friends,
Ron, Ginny and Neville. They were outnumbered and trying their all to get to the tower, to
break the barrier. Remus searched the room and panicked when he realized Severus was
nowhere in sight. Where was he? Did he know the castle was under attack? And was it really
possible that Harry was up on the tower with Dumbledore?

Tonks and Remus both snapped out of their shock when a Death Eater shot a spell at Tonks.
Remus blocked it, and Tonks fired back.

"We have to get to the stairs and take down that barrier! Cover me while I run through!"
Remus shouted.

Tonks nodded her agreement, blocking and attacking any Death Eaters that advanced towards
them.

"Four of them broke through our defenses and went up to the tower!" Bill shouted as Remus
and Tonks passed him. Speaking through each spell he shot at the Death Eater he was battling
with. "They put up a barrier, we can't get through it!"

"Who were they?!" Remus shouted as he blocked an oncoming spell.

Tonks fired back for him, then quickly blocked another attack in less than a second.

"Two dumpy-looking Death Eaters, Bellatrix Lestrange and Greyback! We lost him in
Knockturn Alley, how the bloody hell did he get here so fast?!"

"Greyback is here!" Remus gasped out, and he fought harder to get to the entrance, to take
down that barrier.

Tonks got there first, breaking through the Death Eater's defenses, and as soon as she shot the
first spell to break it down she flew through the air. Vector freed himself from his duel with a
Death Eater and ran to her side.

"Dora!" Remus shouted, suddenly a Death Eater advanced on him, shooting spells so fast, all
Remus could do was block them. Remus shouted with frustration as the Death Eater started
pushing him away from the stairs.

"She's okay!" Vector shouted from among the fray.

And all Remus could do was battle the large Death Eater, trying his best to disarm him so he
could get back to the stairs and take down the barrier.

Suddenly, a flutter of black robes was caught in Remus' peripheral vision. He turned and saw
it was Severus running towards them, his face as passive and emotionless as ever as he ran
through the battle without a single person stopping him.

Instant relief went through Remus. If anyone could get through that barrier it was Severus.

"Severus! They're upstairs! Death Eaters and Malfoy with Dumbledore and Harry!" Remus
shouted, then ducked from a spell the Death Eater threw at him. Remus shot back with anger
and frustration, this time his attack managed to send the Death Eater flying, allowing Remus
to run after Severus.

"Severus!" Remus shouted, dodging spells and duelers and Death Eaters, trying to get to
Severus.

But Severus didn't stop, didn't look at him, he ran straight through the barrier as if it weren't
there. Maybe he took it down? Remus managed to reach it, and instead of going through like
Severus had, he flew through the air with an electric shock coursing through his body.

Severus didn't allow himself to stay on that tower another moment, he didn't allow himself to
look at that empty space where one moment Albus was there, pleading his name, and the
next, he was gone.

Severus… You and me…

How is it you and me if you're dead and gone, and I'm left alone to deal with the aftermath of
what you made me do?

And with that thought, Severus never hated Albus Dumbledore more than that very moment,
even with his grief, even with his horror of what he'd done washing over him. Severus pushed
it all away, not allowing himself to feel. He could no longer be that version of himself tonight
if he wanted to get him and Draco safely out of the castle. He secured his mask, his Death
Eater persona, pretending that he had nothing to lose tonight and everything to gain, making
sure his mask was on so tightly that Severus could no longer recognize himself anymore.

He turned away from the green light, his heart thundering so fast and so loud, adrenaline
pumping in his veins, that Severus couldn't hear anything else but that.

Severus' eyes found his godson. The Death Eaters were laughing, but he couldn't hear them.
Everything was moving so slowly. And Draco was standing there, frozen in shock, in fear, his
face white as a sheet and his eyes wide as he stared at the spot Albus was just standing at less
than a second ago.

Seeing Draco that way, snapped Severus out of his own shock. He went to him, grabbing
Draco by the upper arm and pulling him close.

"Let's go!" Severus hissed at him, having no idea how he managed to find his voice.
"Everything is going to be alright as long as you do as I say."

Severus led Draco towards the stairs, signaling to the Death Eaters to follow them with a jut
of his chin.

Without any hesitation, Bellatrix passed on ahead of them, her maniacal laughter echoing
down the stairway. The Carrows followed after her, wands out, a gleeful smile on both their
faces as if Christmas day had come early for both of them. Their laughter and shouts of
triumph joined Bellatrix's. Greyback stayed behind Severus and Draco, his growls mixed
with also a gruff and cruel laughter. It was hot and putrid against the back of Severus' neck,
who wanted nothing more than to just give in to his urge of turning around and swinging,
knowing that as soon as Greyback spotted Remus downstairs, he was going straight for him
first.

They were just halfway down when footsteps not far behind them caused Greyback to stop
and look up, a loud, predatory growl rumbling in his throat.

Harry! He must've snapped out of his own possible shock after seeing what Severus had done
and was now racing down after them. Severus regretted so very much that Harry had seen
him kill Albus. He never meant for that to happen, had hoped that it wouldn't happen. It just
made this fake betrayal so much more worse, Harry was sure to never forget this night. And
they had to move faster, Severus didn't want Harry to catch up to them.

Greyback turned around, about to move a step back up.

"No!" Severus hissed, grabbing Greyback by the back of his robes, his nostrils suddenly
flaring from the foul stench coming off the werewolf.

Greyback snapped his attention back on Severus, his eyes red and dilated. Again it took
Severus great control to not just knock out Greyback, not with a spell but with his own fist
for ever thinking of attacking Harry again. But they couldn't leave him behind and having to
carry his heavy body on the way out would be sure to slow them down.

"Remember, Potter is not to be touched. He's the Dark Lord's to deal with. Go on ahead with
the others and clear the path for us!"

Guilt for sending Greyback down to attack the Order members, his colleagues and students
dueling downstairs flooded through Severus, but he knew they could very well hold their
own. Remus could take Greyback down any day, and with him there, he would distract the
werewolf from attacking Harry.

A loud triumphant shout suddenly came from Bellatrix further down, and Severus knew she
broke the barrier Greyback had put up there. The sounds of dueling were suddenly heard and
just down below, they could see the glow of flying spells illuminating the stairwell.

With a bare of his fangs and a snarl, Greyback pulled himself out of Severus' grasp, pushing
his way past them and down the stairs.

Severus tightened his hold on Draco and quickened their pace. As soon as they reached the
entrance, a few wayward spells flew at them. Severus ducked down, shielding Draco.
Suddenly a loud boom shook the castle, and a part of the ceiling began to cave-in. Screams
and shouts echoed through the dust. Severus threw himself on top of Draco. Once the last of
the ceiling had fallen, Severus stood back up, pulling Draco back up to his feet.

The corridor once again grew chaotic with the sounds of the battle resuming. Through the
dust and debris, Severus could barely see who was there, but he knew it was a mixture of
Order members, professors, and even a few students; Harry's friends.
Severus kept his gaze on the checkpoint, the staircase at the end of the corridor. Trying not to
think of the possibility of Remus being trapped underneath all that rock and wood.

"Get ready to run to the stairs," he told Draco, who barely nodded with fear. "On the count of
three…"

Severus suddenly raised his wand and blocked another spell from hitting them. Draco
flinched at the near impact.

"Wand up!" Severus snapped at him.

Draco shakily raised his wand in defensive mode, nodding his head a bit to signify he was
ready.

"One… Two… Three… Run!"

They bolted towards the stairs… A short distance that seemed so very far. And that was when
Severus felt those eyes. Those hazel-green eyes that he was sure must be shining golden.
Severus didn't allow himself to look for them through the chaos.

Not long ago he was laying in bed, holding Remus, kissing him, hearing him fall asleep in his
arms.

Now Severus was running with Draco through the corridor, dodging spells and duelers both.
Did Remus know already? That Severus had betrayed them all? Did he know? Was it anger
swirling in those eyes or confusion as to why Severus was running with Draco instead of
joining the fray?

"Severus!" Remus suddenly shouted, his voice was followed by a deep-throated growl from
Greyback and a curse from Remus as the sounds of them dueling suddenly filled the corridor
among everyone else.

As soon as they managed to reach the stairs, Severus turned around, facing the small battle.

His eyes instantly found Remus. Severus hadn't meant to, didn't want to. It would make all of
this harder. Remus was by the stairs to the Astronomy tower, holding up a shield between
himself and Greyback. There was someone on the floor behind Remus, someone Severus was
sure had just been brutally attacked by Greyback. And with an ugly lurch in his stomach, he
could see red hair underneath the blood.

Bellatrix suddenly let out another high pitch laughter as she aimed a few violent spells
towards Granger and Ginny, which Sprout instantly managed to block in time. Alecto
Carrow, who Sprout had been battling, took her moment of distraction and knocked Sprout
off of her feet. She flew through the air and into Weasley and Longbottom, who were dueling
Amycus and another Death Eater.

It snapped Severus' attention back. Time to end this battle before anyone else got seriously
hurt. Harry suddenly appeared at the bottom of the steps behind Remus, both of their faces
were twisted with shock and betrayal. Severus moved his gaze away, not able to see his son
look at him like that, to see Remus looking at him like he was a stranger, with fear.

"It's over!" Severus shouted, raising his wand and knocking everyone who wasn't a Death
Eater off their feet.

The Death Eaters immediately headed towards Severus, leaving everyone in stunned silence.

Severus then ran down the stairs, dragging Draco with him, not daring to look at any of their
shocked faces… His colleagues… His students… Remus and Harry… His beloved little
family… Cruelly leaving them behind with nothing but the aftermath of such a terrible
betrayal.

It was Bill who ran to Remus' aid.

"Remus!" the oldest Weasley son shouted, "Are you alright?"

Remus opened his eyes, blinking away the blurriness in his vision. He felt thoroughly charred
inside and out, like every nerve ending in his body was fried. The wolf whimpered with pain
inside him, Remus could feel the numb shock it was in from the blast of the shield.

"How…" Remus managed to sputter out as he slowly sat up. "How did he get through?"

His heart was beating fast… Severus had run straight through to the stairs and was able to
pass the barrier as if it weren't there.

The Death Eaters believe Severus is on their side, they don't know that he's really rushing to
Dumbledore's and Harry's aid. And in his urgency, he hadn't seen me in time to stop me
going through the barrier…

Remus told himself all of that, convinced himself all of that, refusing to think of any other
possibility.

"Come on!" Bill pulled Remus back up. "Let's try again!"

They both fought their way to the staircase…

And now Greyback had Remus backed into a corner. His sharp yellow fangs were bared, his
red eyes dancing with mirth.

"Ah, I was wondering when I would see you tonight, my son."

His yellow fangs dripped with Bill's blood.

Remus had his wand pointed at Greyback, ready to attack again, baring his own suddenly
sharper teeth at Greyback in return, and trying not to trip over Bill's body.

Remus and Bill had just made it to the barrier when it suddenly went down, and out came
two Death Eaters who rushed in and joined the battle. Bellatrix came next and went straight
for Tonks and Vector. Greyback brought up the rear, red eyes glimmering as he fixated on
Bill who had a cut on his cheek, inhaling the scent of blood and suddenly the vicious
werewolf was on Bill. Remus had managed to pull Greyback off, but Bill had collapsed,
covered in blood and unmoving. Remus had raised his wand to his enemy, ready to fight with
every piece of strength he could muster up. His wolf inside his soul was howling and
fighting, pulled out of its numb shock due to Greyback being so near.

Greyback sickeningly smelled of pack, Remus' wolf wanted its pack. He forced himself to
swallow the sudden rush of bile coming up from his stomach at the horror and disgust of
what that meant.

"I see your wolf has changed its allegiance," Greyback said through bared teeth. "You know
what you have to do, you can't suppress it down forever."

Remus didn't answer him, refusing to fall for the bait.

"That bite, Rowan is waiting, your pack is waiting, allow your wolf of what it's entitled to."

Before Remus could even decide to say anything in return or just hit Greyback with a curse, a
loud ominous creaking sound ripped through the air, and suddenly a part of the ceiling went
down, causing Remus to throw up a shield around himself and Bill. Greyback had done the
same for himself as well. Huge chunks of stone and brick were raining down on them,
bouncing off their shields, and when the dust cleared, Remus saw Severus and Draco running
through the corridor to the stairs.

His shield went down. "Severus!" Remus desperately screamed out, wanting to run to him,
but he couldn't leave Bill unprotected with Greyback, who took down his own shield and
growled, throwing a curse at Remus who blocked it just in time before it hit him in the face,
managing to throw up another shield between him and the grizzled werewolf.

From behind his shield, Remus could see Severus stop just at the stairs, suddenly turning
around, his black eyes surveying the scene before him. Dark obsidian eyes that had just gazed
so tenderly into Remus' own just hours ago, now glittered coldly with disdain.

It caused Remus to lose his shield.

"Severus?" Remus couldn't even shout his name. Something was wrong. That wasn't his
Severus.

Greyback watched Remus' reaction, laughing cruelly at the obvious heartbreak and shock and
confusion on Remus' face.

"It's over!" Severus shouted.

And suddenly, every Death Eater moved as one. They lowered their wands, stepping away
from the person they were battling with, and headed towards Severus.

Remus could only stare with shock, his mouth hanging open in a silent scream. No way that
was an act… The way Severus was looking at all of them… Remus couldn't see the man he
was so deeply in love with. Either Severus' mask was strong and he was doing this to not lose
his cover or had this been the real Severus Snape all along?

And before anyone could do anything, Severus raised his wand, his eyes so full of a cold and
icy cruelty as he knocked all of them off their feet.

Remus landed on his back with the air knocked out of him.

Greyback was staring down at Remus, red eyes glittering with malice. "Until next time,
Lupin," he laughed, and he was gone, following the Death Eaters, Severus and Malfoy down
the stairs and out of the castle.

Shock paralyzed Remus. He couldn't move. His head was lost in a fog and he couldn't believe
that what had just happened was actually real. He couldn't understand what Severus' actions
meant. Was that real or was he merely acting the part? It was so believable, there was no way
Severus had faked that. The way he looked at all of them with such coldness, with cruelty
and disdain, as if he were being bothered by meddlesome children, so detached from the
battle and people getting hurt around him. He looked…frightening, as frightening and
dangerous and unpredictable as Voldemort.

That man, standing at the stairs, that wasn’t Severus, the one who had held Remus hours ago,
the one Remus sang to just before falling asleep. There was no sign of the man he loved, no
sign at all…

And suddenly Harry was running past Remus, snapping Remus out of his shock. He pulled
himself up and ran after his cub.

"Harry! Harry, wait!"

Remus wasn't sure what Harry would find if he managed to catch up to Severus, his dad or
his enemy. Severus acting undercover or a traitor.

But a hand grabbed Remus, pulling him back. It was Tonks.

"Remus! Remus, it's Bill!"

Once they burst through the large doors and carried onto the grounds, the cool night air was
like a fiery slap to the face. Severus just held onto Draco, he just kept breathing through
lungs that felt as if they were on fire, trying not to think, trying not to feel, trying to pretend
that he was almost going to pass out from overexertion of running for so long rather than it
being a panic attack from what he had done tonight.

They were now nearing Hagrid's hut, meaning they weren't very far from the gates. They
were almost there, almost there… Draco started falling behind. He hadn't said a word. Only
watched, only did as he was told. Even when Bellatrix had destroyed the dining hall. Draco
only watched with paralyzed fear.

Severus just kept pulling his godson forward.

"Dad! Dad! Stop running and fight back! Stop!"

That voice behind them, so full of desperation and anger and hurt and gut-wrenching panic,
the very fact that Harry was still calling him dad… It ripped through the air and tore Severus'
heart apart. He would've barely held on through the approaching days after this terrible night,
barely living with his own guilt and pain if Harry hadn't followed, hadn't called out to him
like that. Now, Severus just wanted to be hit with the killing curse, to be put out of his misery
that very moment. The pain he caused to his son, Severus had to bite his tongue to keep from
screaming out at the thought of still living from this point on.

"Oh, it's itty bitty Potter, chasing after his daddy!" Bellatrix sang out, skipping back towards
Severus and Draco.

"Dad! Stop! Please, stop!"

Fuck! I can't have Harry following us out of the gates!

A spell shot towards them, whizzing through the air. Severus stopped and turned to block it
just in time. It bounced back to Harry, knocking him off his feet, giving Severus time to
shove Draco forward.

"I'll take care of Potter! Run as fast as you can to the gates," Severus said to the Death Eaters.
"Apparate to Malfoy Manor, all of you!"

Severus then looked at Draco, whose eyes were wide and staring at Harry who was slowly
getting up from his fall. Severus pushed his godson to the Carrows. "Go, Draco! I'll be right
behind you!"

"Itty bitty Potter has lost his daddy!" Bellatrix sang out again as the Death Eaters did as told,
taking Draco with them.

"Go!" Severus snarled at Bellatrix.

She glared at him with her heavy-lidded eyes and ran, suddenly stopping only to cast Hagrid's
hut on fire with a scream of laughter and madness, then racing on ahead to join the others
towards the gates.

Before Severus could even sigh out with annoyance at Bellatrix's destruction of the school
tonight, another spell suddenly shot from Harry who was now back on his feet.

Severus blocked it, walking straight towards his son, black robes billowing around his feet,
arranging his face into his most perfect Death Eater mask, the very one Severus had used on
Draco months ago. Making sure his eyes were as cold as dark tunnels that have never been
touched by the warmth of the sun, making sure his face was so twisted with hatred, cruelty,
and even a touch of madness. Making sure that when Harry looked at him, he would know
that this was the real version of the Severus Snape that he'd been hiding all along.

And it worked, of course it worked, as talented as Severus was. Harry flinched, stepping
back, his green eyes were so full of fear and shock and disbelief, and so much pain and anger.
He was shaking hard, Severus could see the spasms from where he was. And the spells that
Harry was throwing at Severus were coming out so desperately, causing his aim to be
severely off.

Severus just kept blocking each spell with each step towards Harry. He was firing them so
quickly and erratically, Severus couldn't find the chance to stun him.

And so another idea came to mind, a horrid one that Severus did not want to try, but what was
the point anymore? He had no other choice. Everything was done. Everything between them
was over. Might as well make it all believable, to keep Harry away, to keep him safe. To
prevent him from even suspecting that Severus had to do this for the war. To ensure the safety
of Albus' stupid but brilliant plan.

Channeling his old feelings of hatred and resentment Severus had once felt for James Potter's
son, the boy who wore the face of his enemy, but yet, painfully had Lily's eyes. The bright-
green eyes of his best friend. And everytime those eyes would look at Severus, the pain and
guilt would wash over him, pain and guilt that had laid dormant and numb in his heart for
years suddenly becoming stronger and fresh as if Lily had died because of Severus just
yesterday.

When Severus was near enough, he pushed those old feelings forward, allowing the emotions
to come out in his voice as he spat out, "You're allowing your emotions to affect your attacks,
Potter! I know I've taught you better than that! But of course, you never listen! You always
have walked around this school, thinking rules don't apply to you, famous Harry Potter! As
arrogant and lazy, attention-seeking little brat, just like James Potter!"

It hurt to say all of that, Merlin, it was like a blade had been stabbed into Severus' heart and
he wanted to pull it out himself, that way he could just bleed out and die. Anything was better
than having to hear himself say those cruel things to his son, to have to see the pain in Harry's
eyes, to see him flinching at the way Severus spat out his name with such hatred.

Harry's attacks grew faster as Severus spoke, and Severus blocked each one with ease. And
Harry didn't know, he didn't know the guilt and agony Severus was in, it was all hidden
underneath the false hatred and coldness and madness in Severus' eyes, in his voice, in his
twisted face. He just had to keep Harry from following him out of the gates, he needed Harry
to stay safe on the grounds of Hogwarts. The last thing Severus needed was to lead Harry
straight to the Dark Lord's clutches, and this was the only way Severus could desperately
think of doing, to hit Harry where it hurt the most, forcing him to stop chasing after Severus.

"You coward! How could you! How could you! Dumbledore trusted you! I trusted you!"
Harry shouted back, his voice shaking with anger. He shot another curse at Severus, and this
time the aim was true. "Remus trusted you!"

Severus managed to block the curse just in time, and he screamed out, spittle spraying from
his mouth, "Don't you dare call me a coward!" Allowing himself to sound thoroughly
offended and angry and unhinged, and feeling a bit of panic that Harry still wasn't backing
off, he didn't want this to turn into a full-on duel. He was sure he sounded just as mad as
Bellatrix Lestrange in that moment, seeing the fear on Harry's face as he screamed out.
Harry stepped back, although he kept his attacks going. Severus let out another scream of
rage.

"This whole time!" Harry shouted over Severus. "This whole time!" He sent more and more
curses at Severus as he spoke. "I believed you!" Harry's voice cracked. "I believed you! Stop
blocking me and fight back you fucking coward!"

And when Severus didn't, Harry screamed out with frustration and anger, "Sectumsempra!"

"No!" Severus shouted with panic and fury, immediately blocking that dark curse with a
curse of his own.

A curse that flew through the air so fast, Harry couldn't block it and it slapped him hard in the
face, causing him to fall flat on his back with a shout.

"No, Potter! Don't you dare use my own spell against me!" Severus quickly disarmed Harry,
sending his wand flying across the field, getting lost somewhere in the darkness.

Severus stood over Harry who was looking up at him with paralyzed fear. His green eyes
were wide and full of anger, glimmering with unbearable anguish that Severus had to force
himself to not look away. He felt himself shaking just as hard as Harry was, so hard that he
felt as if his knees might give out from underneath him. His heart was breaking into a million
little pieces, and his chest was so tight that he could barely take in a breath.

And the very fact that Harry was angry and hurt enough to want Severus dead. Severus
couldn't blame him. How else was Harry supposed to react from such a cruel and terrible
betrayal? Severus very well deserved that spell to hit him, deserved to get sliced into pieces,
just like how he sliced up Harry's heart, broke his trust, how he was sure how torn apart
Remus must be feeling as well.

Severus had promised Harry countless times throughout the past year that he would never
hurt him, especially not in the way the Dursleys once had. What Severus had done tonight,
was so much worse than what those muggles could have ever done to Harry. This was all so
much worse…but it was the only way to get Harry to back off. That curse Severus had hit
Harry with was a literal fiery slap in the face, hurting Harry as much as if Severus would
have struck him with his own hand.

"Dad…" Harry choked out, tears streaming down from his eyes, a hand to his reddened and
stinging cheek.

"No! Don't you dare call me your father! Don't you dare call me a coward! You don't know
the half of what I've done this past year, having to keep my cover, having to put up with that
old fool! Having to play happy family with you and that werewolf! Don't you dare use my
own spell against me! Just like your pathetic father and his fucking friends! Using spells I've
created against me! Taking my brilliance away from me!"

Harry gasped out when he realized what Severus meant.

Severus pointed his wand at Harry, twisting his face in a snarl. He was sure without a doubt
that he looked every bit as insane, even more than what Bellatrix Lestrange could ever do.

The flames of Hagrid's hut roared from behind them in the distance, and the sounds of Hagrid
rescuing his dog from the flames. Harry's breaths were coming out in short gasps, the signs of
an oncoming panic attack. Severus was just glad Hagrid was nearby for Harry once Severus
made his escape.

"Yes, Potter, I'm the Half-Blood Prince, now you know, now you know the true version of me
I've been hiding. We are finally free of each other!"

Harry didn't respond, Severus was sure he couldn't and he realized he succeeded. Harry was
down, and with Hagrid nearby, he won't be able to follow him anymore.

"Harry! Harry, where are you?!"

That voice, full of panic… Severus looked up to see Remus in the distance. Remus must've
seen him too because he bolted towards them.

"Get away from him!" Remus shouted with fury, his words ending with a growl.

Severus realized he still had his wand on Harry. He lowered it, stepping back.

A spell from Remus suddenly shot through the air, and Severus turned and ran off towards
the gates before it could hit him.

Hagrid's shouts in the distance and Fang barking, the sound of another spell whizzing
towards him from Remus. Severus kept running, not daring to look back at his son, at his
boyfriend, because if he did, Severus was very sure that his knees would buckle from
underneath him and he would fall to the ground and he wouldn't be able to pull himself up.

The gates were so close, just a spurt of speed and he'll be able to Disapparate. Severus was
confident that Remus wouldn't follow him after that, he wouldn't leave Harry alone.

More spells fired from behind him, but all Severus could see were Albus' blue eyes, all he
could hear was him whispering to him to keep running, whispering in his ear that everything
was going to be okay. Everything that happened tonight, was all for the greater good.
Everything that happened tonight, was supposed to happen as it should…

And everything…the fate of the wizarding world, of the light side chasing away the
darkness… It was now all on Severus' shoulders. It was all up to him, the ending to this war.
The ending Albus had worked so hard for, fought for, died for, forced Severus into a
murderer for, a traitor for, sacrificed his family for….

Severus reached the gates, with one last spell going over his head.

And Albus was whispering…

To trust him…trust him that everything was going to be okay… Trust him that in the end,
Harry was going to understand. Remus was going to understand. In the end, they would know
why Severus had to do what he'd done tonight.

As soon as Severus raced past the wards, he Disapparated without sparing another second.

The world was swaying as Harry covered his face with his hands, his cheek burning from
being struck. The world was swaying as if he were back on that rickety old boat with
Dumbledore over that black lake filled with Inferi.

"Harry! Harry!"

A voice shouting his name. Harry couldn't recognize it.

His chest was tight, so tight, his lungs fighting for air. He couldn't breathe, he couldn't see,
Harry realized with panic. His short breaths sounded loud and ragged in his ears.

Had he fallen into the Inferi-filled lake and never resurfaced? Had those white, cold and
slimy hands dragged him down to the furthest, darkest depths, and all of this wasn't real? Just
some nightmare-fueled version of hell underneath that lake?

"Harry! Breathe for me, please!" The voice shouted above him.

Harry felt those hands, pulling him, tearing at him, taking him…white, cold and slimy hands.

Hands that hurt.

Hands that strike with fiery pain.

Hands that were large enough to wrap around his entire neck and squeeze.

Harry shouted out with fear.

"Harry, cub! It's me, Remus, papa! It's me!"

A gentle hand held Harry's own, warm and soft, placing it over something that was beating.

"Breathe," the voice said. "In and then out, in and then out…"

Harry felt his hand move up and down.

"Follow my breaths, focus on my heartbeat. It's me, cub. It's Remus. I'm still here."

Harry followed the motion, focused on the beating heart underneath his hand, until he finally
took a breath. A deep shuddering breath that turned into a heart-wrenching sob when he
recognized Remus' glistening hazel eyes, full of anguish, peering worriedly at him.

This wasn't some strange version of hell under an Inferi-filled lake. Harry wasn't on that
rickety boat with Dumbledore anymore.
This was real, what had happened was all real…and what Severus had done, what he had
said… It was all real!

Harry brought his hand back to his stinging cheek. Dark eyes that looked at Harry with
affection only hours ago, strong arms that hugged Harry tight, begging Harry to be safe
tonight, just before he and Dumbledore left the castle… Cold, unrecognizable eyes glittering
with madness and hatred…

We are finally free of each other! Severus' last words to Harry echoed in his head. He never
thought Severus had felt so trapped with him… He thought…that…he thought…

"I love you too, kid, no matter what."

Even this? Harry thought, and a wave of unbearable loss and agony washed over him. Dad…
no…no…no!

And Harry cried harder than he ever did in his entire life, feeling his heart breaking so
painfully, that he feared he would stop breathing again.

Remus wrapped his arms around Harry tight, his voice cracking with emotion, whispering in
Harry's ear… "You're safe, you're safe, cub, I've got you, I've got you. You still have me."

Severus appeared in the middle of a forest with a loud pop.

The Forest of Dean.

The last time he was here…

Harry's face swam in Severus' head, chasing away Albus' comforting blue eyes. The only
person in the world who knew Severus was innocent was dead and gone forever.

Remus' voice, calling for Severus, for help, for an explanation, chased away all of Albus'
whispers.

The way Remus had panicked when he saw Severus standing over Harry. He really believed
at that moment that Severus would hurt their kid, but Severus did… He shattered Harry into
pieces, forced him into a panic attack to keep him from following him.

How could Harry and Remus ever understand? Murdering Albus, all of the foul things
Severus had spat out at Harry, the spell that struck him across the face…

How could they ever get past all of that?

How could they ever understand?

How?

Pain welled up inside Severus. It was like a wave, a tidal wave, and before it could crash
down onto him and sweep him off his feet, drown him until he was lost in darkness and
endless water, no sense of up or down, no surface to swim to, to search for, to fight for,
Severus turned into his Animagus form and ran through the trees.

Severus ran and he ran.

A midnight-black wolf pelting through the trees and up a steep slope until the sound of
falling water drowned every sound of the forest out.

Once Severus reached the shore of the pool, he stopped in his tracks, water swirling over
black paws as he stood on shaking legs. And raising his head, he let out a mournful howl,
looking up at the falling water as he turned back into a human. Severus fell to his knees with
a strangled cry that turned into a scream.

He punched the pebbly shore with his fist, grunting out in pain from the impact of stones
scraping skin. Screaming out his shattered heart, screaming out those hazel-green eyes that
Severus had felt on his back. Screaming out the image of Harry laying on the grass, calling
him dad, sounding so scared and betrayed, the anger and hurt in his son's voice, the tears
streaming from his green eyes. Screamed out at the way Remus sounded so angry and
panicked, shouting at Severus to get away from Harry and immediately chasing after him,
attacking him…

Severus screamed it all out at the sky, at the roaring waterfall, at the fading stars, allowing the
tidal wave of grief to sweep him off of his feet. Punching the ground over and over until his
knuckles bled, until he was sure his hand was broken. But he didn't care. Right now, that very
moment, Remus and Harry were probably hurting way much worse than his hand. And
Severus wanted to die. He wanted to die. He couldn't do it, the pain of his betrayal was so
much worse than he'd ever imagined it would be.

Severus screamed until his vocal cords were strained and sore, until he was left dry-heaving
for breath, until he understood why Harry resorted to self-harm to deal with his trauma. The
physical pain of Severus' hand, it numbed the pain inside like a temporary fix, a bandage. He
stared out into the pool, cradling his hand to his chest. The relief to just go in and never
resurface, to drown himself and not have to exist anymore, to never see the rising sun ever
again, to not have to feel anymore, to not have to face the consequences of tonight…

It was all so very tempting.

But Severus couldn't do it, because then this would all just be for nothing. The purpose of this
terrible night was to make sure Albus' great plan would succeed, to rid the wizarding world
of the Dark Lord.

Even in death, Albus still had Severus trapped.

Severus hung his head. Curtains of his dark hair covering his face. There was no way out of
this, no end to this, and he screamed out again, his screams turning into sobs at the thought,
deep gut-wrenching sobs…

It took so long for Harry to open up to Severus, to trust him, now all of that was gone. It took
so long for Remus to allow himself to fall in love again, he told Severus they were soulmates,
now all of that was gone…

What were they doing right now? Were they comforting each other? Oh what Severus
wouldn't give to just go to his boyfriend and son and pull them into his arms and whisper
over and over again how so very sorry he was, that he hadn't meant to hurt them this way.

Once Severus was finally spent from crying, he settled on the giant rock that jutted over the
water, the same one Severus had trained Harry to duel, the very one Severus had found Harry
after a suicide attempt almost a year ago. He sat down, pulling his knees up to his chest and
burying his face into his lap. He was numb, so very and completely numb.

He stayed there for hours, until the sun had started to rise and began to climb up high into the
sky. But Severus didn't see its light, didn't see its rays causing the water to glimmer. It was all
so dark, so quiet, so peaceful, so heavy, it was hard to believe that Severus had lost
everything that was so dear to him.

A loud pop suddenly broke the silence. Footsteps crunched on the foliage covered ground.
Severus had no idea who it was, and he didn't care to turn around to check. Didn't care if they
were a friend or foe, didn't care if they were here to attack him. Nothing worse could ever be
done to Severus now. The world had already ended for him.

"Severus," the voice rang out from behind him, chasing away the peaceful silence of the
forest.

Severus wasn't sure what she was doing here, how she'd even found him. He didn't respond to
Narcissa, only quickly and quietly wiped his face with his uninjured hand so she wouldn't see
his tears. Uncurling his body and stretching his legs, allowing his feet to hang over the edge
of the rock. Just mustering up a bit of strength to put back on his mask, an emotionless, loyal
Severus Snape, most-trusted servant who killed Albus Dumbledore for the Dark Lord…
Severus inwardly shuttered at this version of himself… Shuttered at the thought that this was
what he had once wanted, dreamed of being…

Narcissa sat beside him. Severus only kept his gaze straight ahead, his body suddenly tense
and on his guard, his wand in his good hand, ready to defend himself if needed.

But instead of attacking, Narcissa only arranged her robes so they wouldn't crease as she sat,
sighing out softly and saying, "You did what you had to do."

Caught off guard, this wasn't what Severus was expecting from her. "Why the fuck are you
here?" he spat out venomously.

Severus had to give the woman credit for not flinching at his tone. Narcissa only stared at
him with cool, gray eyes, and in them, Severus found sympathy. It surprised him. He glared
at her, not trusting her, then Severus turned his attention away, keeping himself staring out at
the waterfall again.

"I thought you hated me, shouldn't you be off celebrating the success of the Dark Lord's
task?"
"Your hand…" Narcissa pointed out instead of answering him. "That looks rather painful. I
know a few healing spells, may I?"

Severus scowled at that. "No," he said coldly.

If it weren't for the fiery pain that shot through his hand every time he moved it an inch, he
would've stuffed it into his pockets out of sight. Instead he just clutched his injured hand
close to himself. The blood drying and becoming tacky on his skin. And Severus felt a welt
of pain in his heart when he realized he wouldn't be able to go to the hospital wing this time
to get it healed, won't be able to bear the brunt of Madam Pomfrey's caring scolding ever
again. Another dear friend and colleague Severus lost tonight.

"Don't be ridiculous now, Severus, your hand looks broken, and I think it's still bleeding."

Severus stubbornly shook his head. "Go to your son, I'm sure he needs you right now."

"Draco's okay, he's with Lucius."

Severus only scowled with annoyance at her answer, not saying anything else. He didn't want
her company, anyone's company. He just wanted to be left alone and wallow in his self-pity,
in his pain. He just needed a bit more time to be himself and grieve for Albus' death, for the
loss of his family, his life… Just a few hours more before he had to go to Malfoy Manor and
act the part as the Dark Lord's favorite servant. Maybe if he stopped speaking, Narcissa
would grow tired and leave. But Severus could feel her watching him, irritating him even
more with each passing second.

"Severus… I'm sorry for what you lost tonight…"

"Can you just fucking go!" Severus shouted.

"No, I have to talk to you… Just listen to what I have to say, then you will leave this place
with me."

Severus sighed out loudly with annoyance and defeat.

"I know you're not loyal to the Dark Lord, you never have been."

It took everything in Severus to not react to that. He kept himself controlled, his face passive.
Giving nothing away. She was reminding Severus so much of Draco at the moment. Draco
had told Severus the exact same thing once, and he was right. Narcissa was right. Severus'
loyalty, his heart, it was with Harry, it was with Remus. If Narcissa and Draco could see that,
who else could? Maybe, Severus wasn't as talented at hiding his true loyalties as he thought
he was.

"Prove it," Severus only snarled.

"I don't need to. It's the truth. I know that even though you were forced into taking Potter
under your care, you ended up seeing him as your own child."
Severus didn't answer, just kept his eyes straight ahead, not really caring what she had to say,
but he was still listening. He just wanted to be bloody left alone!

"I knew, but I never said anything. An accusation such as that, it's dangerous, especially after
what happened in the summer, after I got punished for trying to debunk your status with the
Dark Lord… I learned my lesson… Now after what you did tonight, he can no longer doubt
your loyalty, no one can… The Dark Lord is waiting for you, Severus, waiting to reward
you."

Severus still kept silent.

"You don't have to admit anything, just know that I still hate you, but that doesn't mean that I
don't admire you. You have the guts to do what I couldn't, to protect Draco from failing his
task. I know you killed Albus Dumbledore for more than just that task, I know you've been
working undercover with him to protect Potter, but I'm not going to ask anything about it. I
don't want to know. The only thing I care about is my son's safety, and I'm very sure that you
still care for Potter's… I'm not as brave as you, Severus, nor as smart or talented, but you will
need an ally."

At that, Severus whipped his attention back on the aristocratic woman. "What the bloody hell
are you saying?"

"I'm saying that I don't want Draco to die for this war, I don't want him growing up in a world
where the Dark Lord rules either, and I'm confident that you feel the same way for your
godson and for Potter. I know you're fighting to prevent that and I can help you."

"How do I know that I can trust you?" Severus said, eyes narrowing with suspicion.

"The Unbreakable Vow, cast it on me," Narcissa proposed.

It was so tempting to agree and bind Narcissa to him, as she had done to Severus to ensure
Draco's protection, but Severus couldn't do it. He couldn't trap her like Albus had trapped
him, as the Dark Lord had done, even Narcissa herself. Severus hated feeling bonded to
people, always having to be forced into doing their dirty work. He couldn't bear doing that to
anyone else, even someone he hated so very much, someone he could barely trust, someone
like Narcissa. The only good thing about Albus dying was the vice-like tendrils on his arm.
The invisible tendrils of Narcissa's Unbreakable Vow suddenly setting Severus free.

"No, that won't be necessary. I know how much you love your son, what you would do for
him… I understand now…" Severus stopped, still not trusting Narcissa enough to give
anything away. To not voice out loud how he now understood the lengths a parent would go
for their child. What he now felt for Harry. What he would do for his son. "I'll have to trust
that," was what Severus ended up saying.

Narcissa nodded thoughtfully. "Come back with me. The Dark Lord is waiting. They are all
waiting to celebrate. We must keep up appearances."

"You've always been very good at that, Narcissa, keeping up appearances… A specialty of
yours."
Narcissa only raised an elegant eyebrow at him.

Severus only huffed with defeat, then shakily gave Narcissa his broken hand.

"You're in luck, a mother always knows a few healing spells, especially with little boys who
are always prone to breaking bones."

Once she was done, Severus sighed with relief from the pain, but now that it was gone, the
pain in his heart, in his soul, was as worse than ever. The heavy weight of what he'd done…
Severus felt like he was still drowning from that tidal wave of pain and guilt and regret and
loss.

"Ready?"

"I can't…" Severus' voice cracked, his mask dangerously slipping. Something that has never
happened before, even during his worst punishments under the Dark Lord's wand. It scared
him, Severus wasn't sure if he could get up and go with her and act like the perfect, evil, most
trusted servant that killed Albus Dumbledore. But they were expecting him. His time of
grieving was up. And Severus felt like he was losing Harry and Remus all over again.
Watching the green light hit Albus all over again.

Narcissa stood up, dusting herself off, looking as elegant and beautiful as ever. "Get up,
Snape, We'll go together. We'll fight for our sons together."

She was right. They had to go, Severus had to take her hand, her offer, because right now it
seemed as if Narcissa may be the only ally Severus could trust at the moment. He might need
her, it was clear they were both fighting for the same thing.

Severus took her offered hand, pulling himself together so that when they both arrived at
Malfoy Manor, his mask was firmly set once again… Emotionless, cold, talented, strong
Severus Snape, the Dark Lord's most trusted and favorite servant, the one who managed to
kill Albus Dumbledore… And no one would ever know that Severus had just spent the past
few hours screaming out his shattered heart at the sky.
 A Cruel Nightmare
Chapter Summary

This was so very hard to write! Thank you everyone for your wonderful comments and
the last chapter should be up before December!

Chapter Thirty-Six - A Cruel Nightmare

This didn't feel real.

It couldn't be real.

This night wasn't real.

It was all a dream, he was dreaming, still running up on that hill.

A nightmare…

That's what all this was, a nightmare, a cruel nightmare….

And looking up at the heavens, with the stars glittering coldly down at them, Remus could
almost hear their cruel laughter, and he knew, he knew with sinking dread that this was real.
It wasn't a nightmare. He was awake. He was awake and his cub was crying so
heartbreakingly against Remus' chest.

He didn't know what to do next, except to hold Harry tight, whispering reassuring words that
everything was going to be okay. Comforting lies. Because Remus couldn't see anything past
this night. How could they be okay after this? Especially when he couldn't figure out if
Severus had really betrayed them tonight or if he was just acting undercover for Dumbledore.

Remus saw in his mind, holding Harry tight, the way Severus' eyes had glittered so coldly,
the way Severus had looked at everyone before knocking them off their feet. The way the
Death Eaters had all turned to him, following his orders. The way Severus' voice sounded
when he called them to his side. That same voice that had once told Remus that he had
beautiful scars. That same voice that had told Harry over and over to trust him.

Remus felt his eyes burn, but he refused to cry. Instead he allowed anger to surge through
him. Anger directed at Severus for leaving them in such a cruel way, even if there were a
possible chance that he was acting undercover.

Please, just let it be that! Remus pleaded as Harry continued to cry, his cries sounding so
devastating it brought a few tears down from Remus' eyes. Silent teardrops that landed in
Harry's hair. Anything was better than this, anything better than actual betrayal! Come back
to us, Severus, come back, don't let this be true!

How could Severus leave Harry a mess like this? How could he leave Remus behind like this
to fix what he broke? Harry's trust, and so brutally. If this was all just to save his cover
tonight, if Severus had the audacity to come back after all of this and expect to be forgiven,
then he had another thing coming! He could've given them a sign, anything!

Maybe he didn't because it was real… A voice in Remus' head argued back. He really
betrayed us tonight!

That voice in his head, it led Remus to think of the way he saw Severus pointing his wand to
Harry, who was on the ground, defenseless and frozen with fear. The way Severus had been
staring down at their kid with such smoldering hatred, they way he had looked up at Remus.
The madness dancing in dark eyes that had only burned with affection for Remus just hours
ago.

Now, Remus was torn with what to think. Was Severus really that good in acting? Was he
really that good at hiding his true-self to be the Death Eater they saw tonight or…or the
Severus Remus knew, the one he'd fallen in love with…had that been…

And Remus couldn't finish that dark, gut-wrenching thought. His heart sunk so far down at
the questions swirling in his head. The doubt, the fear, the hurt, the anger. He didn't know, he
just didn't know. But he knew one thing… What he saw tonight, he didn't see his Severus at
all. Those glittering, cold eyes that burned with madness, that burned with such cruelty,
Remus had no idea who that was.

His breath suddenly catching in his throat, Remus buried his face against Harry, holding him,
whispering to him, forcing himself to calm down. Remus couldn't allow himself to get lost in
his emotions just now, not when Harry needed him most, but the tears still came out, silent
and warm and slow. His vision suddenly blurry. Shock was settling into Remus, he could feel
it creeping up on him, settling into him like a damp overcasted morning, foggy and wet and
heavy and thick. It chilled Remus deep into his bones.

"Remus!" Hagrid called out to him.

The scents of burning wood and smoke wafted towards Remus and Harry, almost choking
them. Harry stopped crying and began coughing along with Remus. They had to leave, they
had to get away from the black smoke, but Remus' vision was still blurry. He rubbed his eyes,
closing them briefly, tightly, then opened them again, and to his relief he was able to see
Hagrid as clearly as the smoke would allow him to. Hagrid was staring down at Remus and
Harry with worry in his beatle-black eyes. Remus noticed the way the half-giant's beard and
long, bushy hair was singed, giving off the overpowering stench of burnt hair and smoke.
Fang was slung over his shoulder, the dog groaning out and whimpering with fear, his tail
tucked between his legs.

Hagrid's interruption brought Remus back. He pulled himself out of the fog he was losing
himself in. He wiped his face with the back of his hand, wiping away every trace of the anger
and hurt he was feeling inside.
"Are you and Harry alright?! Was that Snape I saw running off with the Death Eaters?"

At first, Remus couldn't speak. His throat felt scratchy and sore, and he coughed it all out.
Harry moved away from him, covering his own mouth and nose with his arm against the
thick smoke.

Hagrid bent down, placing a hand on Harry's shoulder with concern. "Alright, Harry?"

Remus caught Harry flinching from the contact, but still managed to look up at the half-giant.
Harry's green eyes were blurry with shock and his face was wet with tears. Remus knew that
Harry was lost in the same bone-chilling fog that he was in. He had to get his cub to the
hospital wing as soon as possible, being in shock mixed with smoke inhalation couldn't be
good.

Remus then let out another round of coughing, his body spasming from them.

"Let's give Remus some space now, Harry," Hagrid suggested with a hoarse voice. "Breathing
in all this smoke can't be good for anyone."

"Hagrid," Harry finally spoke with a weak, shock-filled voice, turning slightly to see Hagrid's
hut on fire. "Your house."

"It's okay, it's nothing Dumbledore can't fix, I'm sure…"

Harry shook his head, not saying anything to that.

Hagrid reached out a hand to Harry and pulled him up to his feet, allowing Remus to get up
and stretch his cramped legs from sitting in that position for too long.

Leaving them behind, Remus covered his mouth with a handkerchief he found in the pocket
of his robes, and stepped closer to the burning hut. He quickly casted a non-verbal
Aguamenti Charm, spraying down the flames until Hagrid's hut was nothing left but a
charred, smoky frame covered with ash.

Remus then turned and walked back up the slope. Harry's eyes were on the hut, frowning at
the sorry sight, suddenly looking very small and young standing next to Hagrid.

Wetting the handkerchief with another, "Aguamenti." Remus handed it to Harry when he
finally reached him. "Cover your mouth and nose with this until we're a good distance away
from the smoke," he ordered, his voice coming out hoarse.

"Why was Snape running with the Death Eaters? You don't suppose Dumbledore told him to
go with them, do you?" Hagrid suddenly asked Remus, his gaze traveling worriedly from
Harry, who silently did what Remus asked of him, then to Remus.

"I don't know, Hagrid, but I'm hoping as hell that's exactly what happened tonight," Remus
answered him.

Hagrid nodded to that, giving Remus a pat of comfort that almost made his knees buckle.
"And don't you worry about nothing, Harry, I'm sure this will all be sorted out soon enough…
Dumbledore will know what to do," Hagrid then said to Harry.

Harry only stared at Hagrid's burnt hut, clearly still too much in shock to say anything.

"Come on," Remus sighed out with concern for his cub and from exhaustion. "Let's head
back to the castle."

They walked together in silence, and once they were near the castle and far away from the
smoke, that they didn't have to cover their noses and mouths anymore, the fresh air was a
welcome relief.

"Why is everyone gathering around over there?" Hagrid suddenly asked, breaking the silence,
pointing at a group of figures standing at the base of the Astronomy tower. "Is that?"

The dark mark, glowing green and sinister in the night sky.

Harry stopped walking, his eyes glued to the sight in front of them. "He killed Dumbledore,"
he suddenly said, his voice mixed with panic and shock.

His eerie words stopped both Remus and Hagrid in their tracks, staring dumbfoundedly at
Harry, who was so very pale that his face looked sickly under the yellow glow of the castle,
and he was shaking so uncontrollably.

Remus felt his own panic rising in his chest. He reached out a hand…

"Harry?"

Harry flinched violently, stepping back. It pained Remus to see Harry do that again,
especially when it took months for him to be comfortable around him and Severus, to not be
fearful of their touch, to trust them not to hurt him.

Severus destroyed that tonight in Harry, something in his cub was broken. A place where
trust was held. Remus was sure that the brick wall of Harry's was back up, as strong as ever
now. Remus could see it in the way Harry was holding himself, could see it in his face, could
see it in every flinch, could hear it in his voice. He was broken, and how dare Severus to do
that to him! How dare he! Another surge of anger went through Remus. If Severus dared to
come back, Remus was going to make sure that he paid for this.

"Hey, cub, it's alright… You know I won't hurt you, right? After everything that happened
tonight, remember what I was saying to you… You still have me… And Hagrid may be right
about Severus. There's a possible chance that he was only acting undercover. He could come
back."

Remus hoped with all of his being that possibility could be true, even though he was pissed at
Severus… That within a few hours, Severus would return, apologetic and not a trace of that
icy coldness, of that terrifying madness, of that hard cruelty… And what Harry had just
accused Severus of doing, it wasn't true, it couldn't be true, so much had happened so quickly
tonight. Harry might have been mistaken with what he saw.
But Harry only stubbornly shook his head. "No, you don't understand! He killed Dumbledore,
I saw him!"

The truth in Harry's voice shocked Remus into silence. Every small dash of hope, of denial,
instantly evaporated, and Remus could see the darkness closing in. Now he could understand
more clearly why Harry had cried so hard and heartbreakingly into his arms, how suddenly
Harry couldn't stand being touched, why he was so broken and shell-shocked into silence.
Why he was shaken to his very core. It wasn't just for the fact that Severus had attacked
Harry and ran off with the Death Eaters, it was much bigger than that.

"Harry, what are you saying? No…no…" Hagrid fumbled for what to say, denying what
Harry was telling them.

"Snape killed Dumbledore!" Harry shouted again, frustration and pain racking his voice.

"Harry…" Remus started to say, stepping towards him, but not touching him.

Hagrid only shook his head with disbelief, muttering how it was all nonsense. That there was
no possible way that Albus Dumbledore could be dead, that he was dead by the wand of
Severus Snape. Hagrid walked on ahead, leaving Remus and Harry staring at each other with
Remus' own shock and disbelief between them.

"Remus, he's not coming back," Harry said, his voice shaking. "He's not coming back."

"How?" was all Remus could force himself to say. He felt so detached from his body, as if
someone else was asking for him. As if he were stuck in a terrible nightmare and watching
this from above. How could this night get any worse?

"He used the killing curse on Dumbledore, then he fell off the tower."

"No, Harry, no!" Remus shook his head, feeling the burn of tears welling up again, felt his
throat closing up, his body shaking as he realized what Harry's accusation meant. But he
pushed it all away.

Not in front of him… I can't fall apart in front of him… Remus told himself.

"Are you sure?" he whispered.

"I saw it," Harry whispered back, his voice cracking with deep sadness. "He really betrayed
us."

Remus held Harry's stare, and he knew they were both thinking of the same question. The
same question they were both too afraid to ask aloud…

Had Severus always been a Death Eater this whole time? Putting on an act for them, hiding
his true loyalties from them to the dark side, to Voldemort… An act Severus had pulled off so
successfully, fooling them into believing that the version of the Severus they knew was real,
when in fact, it was never real. This whole time, he'd been a murderer waiting underneath
that mask, waiting to strike, waiting for the right time to betray them. The times they saw
Severus hiding something from them, the times they had felt it, questioned it, was it this?
Had that strange look in his dark eyes always been a glimpse of the true Severus Snape, and
they hadn't known it?

Remus felt the world swaying. He couldn't do this. He couldn't live in this world where his
version of Severus Snape was really a murderer. Where his version of Severus Snape was
never real. He reached out a hand to Harry, afraid that he was going to tip over and fall into
the heavens, but Harry stepped away, not wanting to be touched, following after Hagrid.

Watching his cub walk away, all Remus wanted to do was scream out the betrayal and
confusion and pain, scream it all out of his heart, until he was just an empty shell. It would be
so much easier to deal with this if he couldn't feel anymore.

As soon as they reached the crowd, Remus watched Harry push his way through to the small,
huddled figure in the grass. Remus could just make out the silver hair, the half-moon glasses
glinting under the light of the torches. Hagrid's moans of grief echoing in the still night air. It
echoed the grief inside Remus' heart, the wolf inside him howling along to it, starting to grow
uncomfortable from all of Remus' complex human emotions, of his grief, his anger and his
pain.

"Lumos," Remus whispered.

The tip of his wand lit up and he raised it to the sky, everyone around him began to do the
same thing, until the dark mark above the body faded away. Dumbledore looked so very
small, so fragile, so broken. It was hard to believe that this small, broken figure was once the
most powerfulest wizard in all of Great Britain. Had Severus really done this? Had he really
struck Dumbledore down so callously and coldly with his own wand? Remus didn't want to
believe it, but the evidence was right there on that grass, and it was on Harry's word, and of
course, Remus believed his cub.

Who was Severus Snape?

Remus thought he knew him. He thought he saw him. But this whole time, this whole time it
was all a lie. Who was that version of Severus Snape that had held Remus, kissed him, told
him he loved him. Who loved Harry so much that he became a father to him. Who the fuck
was that person? Was that person real or was it all just an act?

Did I fall in love with a person that never existed?

And again, Remus felt his eyes blur again with hot tears that he absolutely refused to let fall.

Not here… Not here… This isn't the right time and place to fall apart…

He only held up his wand among the crowd, a small hand suddenly grasping onto his own,
steadying him.

Remus looked down to see that it was Tonks standing besides him. Holding up her lit wand
as well. He squeezed her hand, appreciating her for keeping him steady. She squeezed back.
Her hair was mousy-brown and in disarray from battling with the Death Eaters. Her robes
were torn and disheveled, and she was sporting a split, bloodied lip. Her eyes were of the
deepest blue, swirling with her own grief, exhaustion and shock.

"Remus, thank heavens you and Harry are alright. The Order are all in the hospital wing. I
was sent out to search for you two."

"Do… Do they know?" Remus choked out. "Harry said it was Severus that…" He was unable
to finish his sentence, unable to say it out loud, because then it would all be true. Then Tonks
would have to tell the others, and they would all know what Severus had done.

Tonks' eyes widened with shock once she figured out what Remus couldn't say.

"Oh, Remus…" She said with anguish. "They don't know that Dumbledore is dead… I just
found out when I came out here in search of you and Harry. I assumed it was the Death
Eaters that did it. I thought Snape just went with them on Dumbledore's orders, we all figured
that… You mean to say… He really betrayed us tonight?"

Remus could only nod, but his eyes were on Harry, crouched over Dumbledore's body. Worry
settled over him of how Harry was taking this cruel betrayal. How it would affect him in the
days to come.

He frowned when he caught Harry picking something up from the grass, something that
might have fallen out of Dumbledore's pocket, and through the fog of his grief and shock,
Remus was able to wonder why Harry and Dumbledore were out of the castle tonight.

Had Severus known they were out when he and Remus ate dinner together that very evening?
Had Severus known when he and Remus had gone to bed together? Remus recalled the
grumpy mood Severus had been in as they cooked dinner when Harry didn't show. Remus
realized Severus wasn't angry at Harry for standing them up, but angry at Albus for taking
Harry with him on a mission. And why didn't he tell Remus about this when he asked
Severus if he was okay? The amount of things that Severus kept hidden from him began to
grow heavier and heavier, until Remus couldn't stand to see Harry freezing into deeper shock
and grief over Dumbledore's body any longer.

Remus stepped away from Tonks, letting go of her hand. His vision was blurring even more
than before, but not from the tears that kept threatening to fall. It was from the heavy, dark
fog that kept pushing at him. Remus internally and stubbornly pushed it away, just like the
tears, he couldn't lose himself in it yet, couldn't cry yet, couldn't break yet. He had to remain
strong. Harry was counting on him. The Order of the Phoenix was waiting for him.

"Remus, let's head inside," Tonks suggested softly, lowering her wand along with Remus.
The lights going out. "We must tell everyone what happened…"

Remus only nodded half-heartedly, his eyes still on his cub.

"Remus?" Tonks called out to him again with worry.

"Harry, I can't leave him."

Ginny had just arrived, pushing through the crowd, luckily she heard his words. Remus
guessed she too had come from the hospital wing to see why Tonks was taking so long. Her
eyes widened as she took in the scene.

"Don't worry, Remus, I'll get him," Ginny said with a worried and sorrowful voice. It
reflected in her brown eyes as they landed on Harry kneeling over Dumbledore's body.

"Bring him to the hospital wing," Remus said with relief, watching her go to his cub.

Ginny wrapped an arm around Harry, whispering into his ear.

The fog was closing in. Remus was trying his best.

But this couldn't be real.

This wasn't real. This couldn't be real. It was just a nightmare. A cruel nightmare. A soft hand
held onto Remus' hand again. He looked up to the owner of that hand. For a moment he had
expected to see dark, warm eyes to be peering down at him, but no, Remus had to look down.
He had to look down and the hand was too small and those eyes were blue. Blue worried eyes
full of sorrow.

Remus was losing himself. The cold seeping deep into his bones. No light to guide him out.

"Let's go, sweetie," the voice whispered.

A voice that was wrong, a voice that Remus didn't want to hear, and it broke him. He was
breaking, he was getting lost in the fog, but he had to still fight through it, fight his way out,
couldn't allow himself to break. Couldn't let them see. Not yet. Just not yet.

And Remus pulled himself out of his shock, just enough to follow Tonks back to the castle.

The meeting at the hospital wing was long. It was long and it was hard having to break the
news to them, having to say that it was Severus who did it. Severus who killed Dumbledore.

Madam Pomfrey, who had been tending to Harry, he'd just arrived with Ginny not long after
Tonks and Remus; broke down into tears and had to step away. Her grief was like a dagger to
the heart. Remus knew she wasn't just crying over Dumbledore, she lost Severus too. A dear
friend she worked alongside with. Remus had known how close she and Severus were, as
close as colleagues could be.

Was there any moment where any of that could've been real for Severus? Did it mean
anything to him? If he should look back on the time he spent undercover at Hogwarts, would
he think of the people he saw everyday? Would he think of Poppy and the work they did
together? Would Severus think of Minerva and their never-ending Quidditch rivalry? Would
Severus think of his students, and how hard he worked on his lessons, on getting them
through their Owls and their Newts? And most importantly, would he think of Remus and
Harry and the familial bonds that were once between them? Or was it all just nothing to
Severus? They were all just pets to him, all just pawns on the chessboard, a game he had
played alongside with Voldemort against Dumbledore and the Order of the Phoenix, against
Harry and Remus. A game he played with their very lives, their very hearts.

Did Severus regret them? Remus and Harry… Was Severus feeling free of them at this very
moment?

And with that dagger-twisting hurt in Remus' heart, a phoenix song suddenly broke him out
of his dark thoughts. It quieted the room, it soothed the hurt for only a moment. It was
Fawkes. And when the song faded away, the hurt burned inside of Remus again and the dark
thoughts seeped back in.

They then recounted everything that happened that night.

Minerva blamed herself. She couldn't understand how she never saw any signs of Severus'
betrayal. None of them had. Remus watched as the Transfiguration Professor comforted a
still crying Poppy. None of them had seen this coming, but Remus should have. He should
have, but the very fact of the matter was that Dumbledore had trusted Severus so fiercely that
it left no room for anyone to doubt him, especially the people who knew the father/son
relationship between Severus and Harry. They trusted Severus Snape… They all trusted him,
not just because of Dumbledore, but because of Harry, because of Remus, because of Madam
Pomfrey, because of Minerva, even Molly and Arthur, the people that were Severus' chosen
family. They trusted him, and now his betrayal had brutally cut through them, as sharp and
dangerous as a silver blade.

Harry's friends then discussed how their plan went all wrong. They discussed what should've
happened instead that could've changed the tragic course of events that happened tonight.
Like Minerva, Hermione blamed herself. Harry consoled her.

Everytime Severus' name was mentioned, it struck Remus with agony. The dagger in his
heart twisting each time. Everytime Severus was mentioned, Remus was sucked back into
that moment when he was seeing those cold, cruel eyes again. Everytime Remus was forced
to speak, forced to share his input, everytime he was forced to say Severus' name, his voice
would break, it would shake. The dagger stabbing into him deeper and deeper, hurting him,
burning him, more and more. And everytime that happened, Tonks, still by his side, would
squeeze his hand in silent support. But it only angered Remus instead of comforting him. It
was wrong, her hand in his still felt all wrong.

Then it was over. They finally all stopped talking about what happened. Everyone was now
silent, lost in their own thoughts, realizing that there was no use talking about it anymore, no
use blaming themselves, no use wishing for things to have been changed. It was done, it was
over. Dumbledore was dead and Severus betrayed them all. He wasn't coming back. He
wasn't coming back. Neither of them were. They were both gone.

Tonks squeezed Remus' hand again, perhaps trying to pull him out of his head, get his
attention. She was speaking to him, but Remus was lost in his spiral. He could feel the
concern coming off her in waves. Besides Harry, Tonks was the only one who knew how
much Severus had meant to Remus. Everyone thought they were just close colleagues,
something like what Severus shared with Poppy and Minerva.

Tonks must be thinking how much of a fool Remus would have to be, to ever believe that a
former Death Eater could ever be trustworthy to fall in love with. A fool blinded by love. She
must be looking at him with pity, probably thinking that now this was her chance to prove to
Remus that he was an idiot to choose Severus over her. That must be why she was still
standing by his side. Dark toxic thoughts like that made the fog in Remus' head grow darker
until it began to rumble, forming into heavy rain clouds. The bolts of electricity was his
sudden anger flashing through.

Remus pulled his hand away from her, needing space. A growl suddenly rumbling in his
throat. The wolf growing reactive to the bolts of electricity and the rumbling of the storm
inside him.

"Remus?" Tonks whispered, moving in front of him, reaching a hand up to touch the side of
his face, pulling Remus down so he could look at her. He stiffened at her touch.

"I'm fine," Remus croaked out, moving away from her grasp.

Tonks' voice was full of pity and worry. Remus hated it. How could she think that he was
worthy of love? How could she still ever want him? How could anyone after this? Remus
was damaged, too damaged, too many scars, seen and unseen. Someone that not even
Severus Snape found worthy enough to truly love.

Tonks took his hand again. "Remus, calm down…"

As Remus was barely holding himself together, trying not to lash out at Tonks' unwanted
attention, Molly, Arthur and Fleur Delacour arrived, all three of them worried for Bill.

At that point, Remus felt himself detaching. The heavy storm inside him was in danger of
breaking. He was lost. He was losing the battle. The wolf inside him was howling, singing a
song of fear and despair. Remus just wanted Tonks away from him, but she stubbornly stuck
to his side.

Remus' voice shook when he explained to Arthur, Molly and Fleur that Bill was going to be
okay. Bill had been severely mauled by Greyback, but since it wasn't under a full-moon and
Greyback had been in human form, and that his wounds were no longer life-threatening,
thanks to Poppy, the only thing they had to expect was if Bill now preferred his steak raw.

"Remus, let's get you to your quarters," Tonks whispered just after Fleur snapped at Molly,
earning Molly's acceptance and everyone's current attention.

"No."

Remus realized he was shaking. Tonks had noticed it too, noticed how he was starting to fall
apart. He growled, he couldn't form any more words. The wolf was reaching his surface and
he tried to push it back, but the wolf fought back, still singing out its fear and despair. There
were too many strong and dark human emotions rumbling inside Remus. The wolf couldn't
take it anymore. And for some reason the wolf hated Tonks. Her presence was agitating it
even more. Remus needed her away from him.

The growl must've been louder, must've been more threatening, because Tonks' eyes widened,
her voice shook… "Remus?"

Everyone suddenly turned to them, the room quieted. Feeling their eyes, feeling Harry's
especially… Shame washed over Remus when he realized Tonks was still holding onto his
hand, how close she was to him.

Remus pulled his hand away. "Why the fuck are you acting so concerned over me? I'm fine!
I'm nothing but an old werewolf to you! Leave me!" he snarled, stepping back.

Tonks flinched at his harsh tone of voice, her gaze taking in his golden eyes. "You're just
saying that because you're hurt."

"I'm saying that because I don't need you playing nurse with me. If you think something
between us could happen now after this!"

Vector and Hagrid, who had just come into the hospital wing and had been speaking to
Minerva about Dumbledore's body, stopped mid-conversation with them. Vector's blue eyes
landing on Remus and Tonks quarreling.

"That's no way to speak to Tonks," Vector said warningly to Remus.

"I don't need you to defend me!" Tonks snapped back, she then turned back to Remus. "What
the bloody hell does that even mean?!" She stepped away, shaking her head. "I'm only trying
to help you, I have no ulterior motives other than that, we are best friends, are we not? Isn't
that what best friends are supposed to do? Be there for each other through times like this?"

Remus couldn't think of anything to say to that. He just wanted her gone so the wolf could
calm down.

"I was only trying to help," Tonks continued, her eyes glistening with tears, one escaping and
streaming down her cheek. "Why don't you just fucking get over yourself?" She then left the
hospital wing, leaving the air tense and silent behind her.

Remus didn't dare look at anyone in that room, just kept his eyes on the closed door, guilt
churning in his stomach. A small part of himself wanted to go after her, to apologize, he
didn't want to lose another person that was close to him. But it was better this way. The wolf's
violent reaction towards Tonks being so close to Remus reminded him of that. That he was
nothing but a werewolf, an old, broken werewolf. He would only hold Tonks back, it was
better that Tonks saw that now. Despite his betrayal, Severus had been right. Nothing good
could ever come from Remus being friends with a young witch like her.

And now that the wolf was finally calming down, Remus felt his exhaustion washing over
him.
"Harry," he said, turning his gaze to his cub who had been watching Remus with quiet worry
from where he was sitting with his friends and Ginny.

Harry moved towards Remus, but was stopped by Minerva.

"Hold on, Potter."

Harry looked at his Head of House with a questioning expression on his pale face.

"Remus, I need to talk to Potter in…in… Well, I guess it's my office now… And the Heads of
Houses as well. Horace, you can represent Slytherin for the time being…"

Remus hadn't been allowed to join the meeting. He wasn't a head of house and even though
he and Harry were as close as a father and son, it wasn't on official documentation. He
couldn't argue with the new headmistress, and Remus knew Minerva's decision to cast him
out was mostly because of his outburst with Tonks, so Remus waited by the gargoyle for
Harry to come back down once the meeting was done, intending to walk him back to
Gryffindor tower. Even though Remus was still very much lost in his shock, his worry for
Harry was what kept him from completely succumbing to it. He wasn't letting Harry out of
anyone's sight for the next few hours, afraid that what happened tonight may cause Harry to
fall back into his old habit of self-harm.

And so, Remus waited in numb silence, not allowing himself to think about anything, not
allowing himself to feel guilt over the hurt feelings he caused to Tonks. His mind just stayed
on Harry, and how quiet he'd been throughout everything.

When Harry finally rejoined Remus, he was still very much shell-shocked and silent, looking
more exhausted than he did before the meeting. Remus didn't push him to talk. It had been a
long night, and for Harry even longer, thinking again about the mission he had gone on with
Dumbledore. Wondering what they had been doing, what Harry had found in the grass
besides the body…

"I'll walk you back to Gryffindor tower, cub."

"No, I want to go to my bedroom… In my d…in… I want to be in my bed," Harry struggled

to say.

"Are you sure?" Remus asked. "If you don't want to be in your dorm, you can sleep in my
quarters. I'll take the sofa."

"No, I just want to be in my bed, in my room, alone," Harry pleaded, his voice filled with
exhaustion and annoyance, and somewhat detached.

Remus watched Harry with a worried frown. He wondered if that's how he looked right now,
himself. How his own voice sounded, and so he gave into Harry's request, leading the way
towards the dungeons. He couldn't understand the reason behind Harry's request. The thought
of going in there made Remus want to be sick… A reminder of what they lost tonight… But
that was what Harry wanted, probably needed right now.

As they walked, the castle was eerily quiet after all of the chaos that happened tonight.
Flames flickered from the sconces on the wall, the yellow light growing dimmer the further
they walked, the corridors growing darker the closer they got to the dungeons.

They entered Severus' quarters. The emptiness of it, the silence, the coldness… It was as
terrible as the coldness that had glittered in Severus' eyes. It washed over Remus like a cold
tidal wave, causing him to shiver, almost sweeping him off his feet.

Being in here, it was like taking that dagger that was embedded into Remus' heart, pushing it
down deeper and deeper than cruelly yanking it out.

Remus grasped Harry's shoulder. Harry stiffened from his touch, but he didn't shake Remus'
hand away. Remus wondered if Harry was feeling the same thing as they stood there in
silence, wondering what was going on in his cub's head. Harry felt so far away from Remus
at that moment. He was just so quiet and closed-in. After all the progress Harry had made on
improving his mental-health over the year, it seemed as if it had all evaporated the moment
Severus casted his wand on Dumbledore, on Harry….

They were both terribly betrayed tonight, both terribly left behind, and in the cruelest way
possible. Both left wondering if the Severus they had known, the one Remus had fallen so
deeply in love with, the one Harry had learned to trust, had loved him as his own father…
That version of Severus Snape that no one else but them saw, if he had ever been real?

Had it ever been real? Remus mentally asked to the empty room with disbelief.

It had… It had been real to him…to Harry… It had been real…

Maybe not for Severus, but it was for them. Would that ever matter to Severus or was he
okay tossing the time he spent with them, the bonds he forged with them, away like rubbish,
without a second thought?

They stood in the living room for another moment, not a word spoken between them, until
Harry finally stepped away from Remus and stormed into his room, shutting the door behind
him.

Remus sighed, following after his cub, but he was stopped by a locked door.

Remus wasn't surprised at all. This was Harry only saying that he needed space, and so
Remus would give it to him. He muttered the spell over the room to alert him if Harry were
to harm himself. And not knowing what else to do after that, Remus sank to the floor, his
back resting against the door, somehow just knowing that Harry was sitting on the other side.

"I'm still here, cub," Remus said quietly, but just loud enough that his voice traveled from
underneath the crack between the door and the floor. "I'm still here." And Remus heard the
quiet sniffle, the quiet beginnings of a heartbroken son.
It felt like hours until he could hear Harry settling down. Remus stayed by that door as if his
life depended on it, listening for anything that sounded remotely suspicious to self-harming.
And when he felt the magic that kept the door locked, break away, Remus stood on shaking
legs and opened it to find Harry asleep on the floor.

"Oh, cub," Remus whispered, feeling sick with heartbreak.

He scooped Harry up and laid him on his bed, pulling off his shoes, careful to not wake him.
Taking off his robes and his glasses, placing them on the nightstand. Remus then transfigured
Harry's clothes into pajamas and covered him with his Gryffindor-colored comforter, trying
not to think about the times Remus had watched Severus do the same thing for their kid. He
then left the room, leaving the door wide open, that way he could hear Harry if he should
wake.

And now, standing in the living room... His living room... Remus didn't know what to do with
himself. He felt lost. He felt out of balance, as if he were missing a limb or if his wand had
snapped in half. And he didn't know how to fix this. Dark eyes flashed through his mind, and
really Remus just wanted to curl up in a ball and drown in his hurt. But he couldn't break like
that…he couldn't…

Maybe a cup of tea could… Could what? A cup of tea could what? Could help? Take
everything away? a small, broken voice challenged him in Remus' head. You need something
else, you need something stronger. You need something that can make you nice and numb,
until you forget, until you can't remember why you felt so broken in the first place…

Remus felt his hands shake, pushing that voice away, far away, where it couldn't entice him
anymore.

He sat at the kitchen table, lukewarm tea in his hands. He had made it, but he couldn't drink
it. It seemed like such a big task to just raise the mug to his lips. Remus couldn't even
remember why he had even wanted it in the first place, maybe he just needed something to
hold on to.

But now that he was alone, staring down at the warm, brown liquid that was supposed to
bring him comfort but only made him feel sick, now that everything was done and over, and
he couldn't help but remember with agony that pierced his very soul, of the times he and
Severus had shared tea together on this very table, Remus realized that he didn't have to be
strong just now. Harry was asleep. For just this moment, Remus didn't have to hold himself
together for his cub. He could allow himself to fall apart.

Remus' eyes burned at the thought, his insides suddenly clenching so very painfully. He was
sure he was going to be sick, his stomach hurting. His lungs felt like a band had wrapped
around them, constricting them from expanding. His heart felt as if Severus' hand had
wrapped itself around it and was squeezing it until it couldn't beat anymore.

Remus gasped, closing his eyes, clenching the fabric over his chest.

His heart felt like it stopped beating and he felt like screaming, he wanted to scream it out
until his voice ran hoarse, until this terrible agony could finally leave his body, but he didn't,
he couldn't, he would wake Harry up. It would wake him, and Remus didn't want Harry to
think that he was losing another parent.

And the wolf inside his soul, it felt it all. It felt Remus' heart breaking, his soul ripping to
pieces, felt him being consumed in heartbreaking waves of agony and hurt and grief and
anger and betrayal and confusion, as a heavy downpour of tears that Remus had been holding
onto all night finally escaped him, his throat choking up.

The wolf hated it. It howled, it writhed until Remus definitely felt as if he were to be sick at
any moment. He was losing control of the wolf, but he held onto himself as tightly as he
could, as stubbornly as he could.

Why couldn't the wolf just allow Remus to grieve without it growing agitated like this?

And for a second, for a second, when Remus knew his eyes were shining golden, when the
wolf was so very close to his surface that it most likely could be seen in his face, he thought
about just giving into it. The thought of losing himself in the blissful darkness of suppression
by the wolf, of non-existing, then he wouldn't have to feel this terrible agony anymore. He
wouldn't have to suffocate in it.

It was only Harry that was the reason why Remus held on and pushed the wolf back with its
tail between its legs and a whine of defiance and defeat.

Remus really thought he knew Severus. He really thought that Severus had changed, that he
was the only one special enough to see the pieces of Severus that were always so well-hidden
underneath that mask. It was all so stupid to believe that, to believe everything Severus had
said to him. Once a Death Eater, always a Death Eater, the truth of that stung, causing more
hot and heavy tears to come down, until a soft and choked sob escaped Remus' mouth.

When the surge of hurt ran its course, leaving Remus numb, his eyes closed, leaning his head
into his hands with his elbows on the table. In a terrible silence that was interrupted by the
soft tickings of the clock and the muffled sounds of Harry sleeping, of the birds outside the
enchanted windows starting to sing, gray morning light trickling in. Remus spent the early
hours looking back into every single memory that he had of Severus this past year, trying to
find a point where there was a glimpse of any sign of the stranger Remus saw last night. Any
point in time where that stranger with his cold, glittering black eyes had shone through and
Remus hadn't known it, hadn't seen it, blinded by idiotic love.

He couldn't find anything, and now all he could think about was that January ninth, when
they danced together in Severus' living room. How Remus sang in Severus' ear, holding him
close and swaying to the beat. How they had kissed each other that night. How Severus had
looked at Remus that night.

How could all of that had been a lie? How could all of that only had been Severus pretending
to be someone that never existed?

The way Severus touched Remus that night, the way he whispered his love to Remus. The
way Severus pushed into him for the very first time, the way Severus held Remus so very
close as if he were afraid to lose him.
Was it all just pretend? Was any of it real? Was anything between us real?

That night, Remus had counted Severus' breaths.

That night, it had rained.

That night, they had made love again against the sound of the heavy downpour hitting the
window. The smell of the rain had mingled with Severus' scent. It had been so enticing,
mingled with the scents of what they had just done in the sheets of Severus' bed, as Remus
whispered to Severus that they were soulmates. Severus was Remus' soulmate.

Was that version of Severus that night only an act? Had he never existed? He never existed...
Severus had played Remus like a fool in love.

But why? Why? Why? Why? Was this payback for all the years Severus spent being bullied
by Remus' friends? The ultimate revenge?

Remus just didn't know. He didn't know, grasping at torn threads of what he thought was their
relationship.

More hot and heavy tears ran down Remus' face, this time they were angry tears, full of anger
and humiliation. He then suddenly got up and stormed into Severus' room.

There had to be more. There had to be something, anything that Remus might have missed.
There was no bloody way Severus was that good, no way was he able to fool him and Harry
that easily and so cruelly. There had to be something here. Something with answers.
Anything!

And before Remus knew it, in a blind rage of hurt and humiliation, he was tearing Severus'
room apart, searching for any little clue, anything that could answer his questions. Anything
that could tell him exactly who the real person Severus was, the real version of himself that
he kept hidden from Remus.

Was Severus ever truly the man Remus fell in love with, who Harry loved as his dad? Or was
he that stranger? The murderer, the traitor, the Death Eater with those glittering black eyes?
The one who held his wand out to their kid, ready to attack. Who the fuck was Severus
Snape? This whole time…this whole fucking time!

In the chaotic mess of the room, the sheets torn off the bed and the mattress flipped over, the
closet thoroughly searched, clothes and books and everything scattered and opened, Remus
stood at Severus' desk. He didn't find anything except these books linking him to the Severus
he fell in love with. Books on how to care for teenagers dealing with trauma of abuse,
depression, P.T.S.D and research notes on Remus' own trauma, research notes on how to
improve the Wolfsbane Potion. There was also an old box filled with drawings that looked
like Harry's. Remus shrunk the box and tucked it safely away into his pocket. And as he did
that, the gleam of the tungsten ring on his finger caught his eye.

Remus stared at it for a second, numb, frozen, falling apart as he replayed the day Severus
got on his knees and had slipped it onto his finger. Quiet and slow tears fell from his eyes, the
droplets landing on the books. Did Severus care for him and Harry for just a moment? While
he was undercover for Voldemort, were there moments that he felt like maybe he could really
love them? Was that moment, the words he said, sliding the ring onto Remus' finger with
promises, was that real? And somehow these books, these research notes, gave Remus a bit
of hope that it could be, but his heart was too broken and he couldn't think about it anymore,
what these books and notes might mean…what they could mean….

Remus took the ring off and placed it among the books and research notes. This ring didn't
feel right on him anymore. It belonged to a different version of himself, the version of
himself who was in love with Severus Snape. Not this broken mess that he was now.

And sighing out, Remus turned and he saw the closed door to the Potions lab. He went inside,
wiping the tears away. He was a bit more careful as he searched through the phials and
cauldrons. Then on the workbench, there was a box with an empty phial, and next to it there
were more books and research notes, but not on teenage depression and trauma or on the
Wolfsbane Potion…

Remus read through them, gasping with shock.

Animagus.

These were notes on how to become an... Animagus!

Was Severus planning on becoming one?

Severus Snape and all of his secrets…

Did he succeed? And why did he do it? Who was this for? Voldemort? Dumbledore? Or could
it have been… Remus swallowed, his throat hurting, his body shaking, could it have been for
him? To run with Remus during the full-moons like James and Sirius had done for him?

The notes didn't really give much away. It was just jotted down records of the steps he took.
Severus had been working on it for half the year, and according to the notes, he'd been stuck
on one of the last steps, hearing the second heart-beat.

Remus looked at the box with a frown of confusion and wonder. Was Severus ever able to
hear it? Had he'd been able to complete the process and just never got the chance to write it
down? The phial was empty. Remus looked through the papers once more, opening the books
for anything he might've missed, but there was nothing.

Remus didn't know what to do. He needed a drink. That enticing voice was coming back, his
hands were shaking. He needed to drink, to take all of this away. To be numb, to just be
numb. This search didn't give him any answers, only more questions. More hidden secrets.
He was still confused as ever on who exactly was Severus Snape.

And before Remus knew it, he was in the kitchen, searching, but there was nothing. Not a
drop of the red wine Severus would drink anywhere.
If he was really undercover for Voldemort this whole time, wouldn't Severus pretend to not
drink anymore for Remus? Wouldn't he still keep bottles hidden in the safety and privacy of
his own kitchen? Did he really stop drinking to keep undercover or perhaps he really did feel
something for Remus?

Remus slid to the floor. His knees couldn't hold him up anymore. His back leaning against the
cabinets, and he buried his face into his hands.

I've fallen in love with a character, a fictional character that Severus Snape had made up for
me…to torture me…

And the thought of never being able to talk to his Severus again…

More hot and heavy tears, a painful cry caught in his throat, trying to escape.

"Remus?" Harry's voice traveled from his bedroom.

Remus didn't respond, he couldn't. He was trying to reign himself in, trying to stop the silent
tears that just kept falling.

He could hear Harry going into Severus' room. "Bloody hell," Remus heard Harry say when
he found the mess Remus had left.

"Papa, where are you?"

And that term of endearment found Remus' voice. "In the kitchen," he croaked.

He kept his face hidden in his hands, the tears out of sight. He was still falling apart and he
didn't want Harry to see, and he felt so embarrassed when he heard Harry coming in.

"Oh," Harry said softly.

Then suddenly Harry was beside Remus, pulling him into his arms, and this time it was
Remus breaking down, it was Remus sobbing so heartbreakingly into Harry's arms, and
Remus felt so wretched about it. He was the parent, he was supposed to be the one holding
Harry up, being there for him, being strong for him, being the anchor for him, not breaking
down in front of his cub like this, not Harry holding Remus up and being all of those things
for him.

This just wasn't how things were supposed to be…causing another gut-wrenching sob to
shake him.

Severus, how could you do this?

Harry just held on.

And when the persistent, traitorous tears finally stopped flowing, Remus pulled himself away
from Harry, wiping his tears away, running his hands through his hair, pushing it away from
his face, trying to pull himself together.
Remus could feel Harry watching him the whole time, and when he finally met his cub's
worried green gaze, he choked out, "Harry, cub, I'm sorry, I'm sorry that you saw me like that,
I didn't mean for you to see me… I'm so sorry."

"It's okay," Harry said. "Don't be sorry, he hurt both of us, not just me, he hurt you too. He
lied to both of us."

"Yeah, but I need you to see that you can depend on me through this."

"You don't have to be strong for me, if you need a moment to break down, to cry, it's okay,
papa. I'm not a little kid, I'm almost seventeen. Seeing adults cry doesn't scare me. It
humanizes you. Isn't that worth something to you?"

That caused a small watery smile on Remus' face.

"I saw Snape's room, what were you looking for?"

"I don't really know to be honest with you, cub, maybe for some kind of sign that he was
really real.. That this whole time…the Severus we knew, wasn't all just an act… That the
Severus we saw last night wasn't really him."

"Did you find anything?" Harry's voice croaked

Remus handed Harry the box of drawings, whose chin wobbled at the sight of them. He
shoved them away. "I don't want them."

Remus only nodded, pocketing the box again.

"Just research notes on how to care for you and your mental health, for my trauma with
Greyback, and notes on improving the Wolfsbane…and…" Remus stopped, considering for a
second if he should mention the Animagus thing.

"Notes on becoming an Animagus," Harry said.

Remus raised an eyebrow at the sudden confession. "You knew?"

Harry nodded, "He told me just before Christmas, it was supposed to be a surprise for you.
He made me swear not to tell you."

"He was planning on becoming an Animagus for me?"

Remus' head was spinning. Was this what he was looking for? Proof that his Severus was
real? Why would Severus plan to do such a difficult, magical transformation if what he had
felt for Remus was all fake? Unless…he was really doing this for himself, but lied to Harry
about the real reason for it, but then why tell Harry about it?

Just more questions on top of questions, theories on top of theories, keeping Remus from
ever really knowing exactly who Severus was.

"Do you know if he completed it?" Remus asked, his voice filled with frustration.
"I asked him about it not long ago… He said no, it was going to take a long time and he had
no idea what animal form he was going to take."

Remus could only let out a sigh of defeat.

Harry gave him a sympathetic glance, and said, "I think… I think I saw the real Severus
Snape tonight, I think what you found, it can mean anything, Remus, and it can be
nothing…"

"That's exactly what I was thinking," Remus whispered, his broken heart squeezing at the
hurt coming out of his own voice.

It was silent between them again. Remus glanced at Harry who had his knees up to his chest,
his arms tightly wound around them. His green eyes looking down at the floor, distant, lost in
his thoughts.

"Harry, you're so far away from me, talk to me, cub."

"I just needed time…" Harry muttered.

"I know."

Harry glanced at him with sorrow in his green eyes, then finally told Remus everything that
had happened between him and Severus before Remus chased Severus off the grounds.

Remus listened with concealed anger towards Severus. Feeling his heart break even more at
the things Severus had told Harry, the way he attacked him.

“Having to play happy family with you and that werewolf!”

Remus had inwardly flinched at that, those biting words hurting him worse than anything
tonight. Proof that his Severus was never his at all.

“We’re finally free of each other!”

But are you just as free sitting by Voldemort’s side? Remus thought. I never thought you
would feel so trapped by us…

And when Harry was done, Remus asked, “Cub, was there any moment? Any moment, any
sign you saw that he might be acting still, even if he did kill Dumbledore… Was there
anything?”

Harry shook his head, “No,” he said softly with hopelessness. “What I saw, it was real, I
know it was. I looked into his eyes, I heard his voice, I couldn’t see Severus, I couldn’t see
my dad,” his voice shaking, Harry suddenly broke down.

Remus gently pulled Harry to his side, wrapping an arm around his shoulders, comforting
him.
“We’ll get through this together. He may have left us, but we still have each other… We’re
going to get through this…”

Harry only continued to cry.

“Cub…” Remus sighed with grief.

He picked up Harry’s hand, pressing it flat against his chest, that way Harry could feel
Remus’ heartbeat, just in case he should fall into a panic attack. Remus wanted Harry to stay
with him.

“We’re going to get through this,” Remus whispered again. “Do you feel my heartbeat?”

Harry could only nod through his tears.

“We’re going to get through this, cub.”

And once Harry's moment of grief passed away, together they stayed sitting side by side until
the rising sun began to brighten up the kitchen. Lost in their own thoughts, lost in their own
hurt and confusion and anger to why all this had to happen.

"Come on, cub," Remus finally said after their long spell of silence. "Let's pack up what you
want to take, then let's get out of here."
 Is This The End Of Everything?
Chapter Summary

You guys made it to the end! But this isn't the end really, a third and last story is coming
soon. Just make sure you follow my alerts and keep checking for it. It should be coming
out later next year. I'm planning on doing a small hiatus because I'm feeling very burnt
out, then I'm going to work on a few chapters and the timeline before actually posting
anything, so maybe by Spring 2024. Don't worry, I promise I wont keep you guys
waiting for very long nor will I abandon the series!

And thank you very much to everyone who had left reviews!

Chapter Thirty-Seven - Is This The End Of Everything?

Harry picked up the framed photo of him and his friends, the one Ginny had given to him for
his birthday. It wasn't moving like the usual portraits all over the castle. He and his friends
were forever frozen in time. The night Ginny had given this to him, he should have kissed
her, then maybe they could've had more time together. Time Harry had wasted being hung up
on Draco Malfoy, trying to help him when it was clear that Draco didn't want to be helped.

He felt grief and frustration over the loss of his friend rise up in him. Harry guessed he didn't
matter enough to Draco for him to fight against the dark side taking him, forcing him to walk
a path that he didn't want to walk. Maybe Draco's life didn't matter enough to himself. His
fear of what his parents might think of him, preventing them from being disappointed in him
was more important to Draco than anything, maybe even his own happiness. Harry saw that
now, accepted that now, and he wondered briefly what Draco was doing this very moment.
Was he happy to be back at Malfoy Manor with his parents, basking in their praise? Was he
proudly sitting besides his godfather, with his Dark Lord as a new Death Eater? Or was he
sitting besides them all, hiding his fear, hiding his true cowardly self and hoping that Harry
and everyone else on the light side would fight this battle for him, to free him?

Harry pushed away those thoughts. Draco would have to help himself out now. And him and
Ginny, well time had run out for them. Harry's heart ached with regret, it ached so fiercely
with what he planned on doing, planned on saying to Ginny.

Dumbledore had left Harry with a job to do, and he couldn't put Ginny in such a dangerous
position. If something were to happen to her, Harry would never forgive himself. Ginny, so
fierce and brave and beautiful, she would want to go with him. If he told her the truth, there
was a very high chance that she would get her way. Harry knew Ginny could very well look
after herself, growing up with six brothers, it was expected. But Harry couldn't tell her the
truth, Dumbledore had only allowed him to tell Ron and Hermione. And the only solution to
all of this, was to break Ginny's heart. He had to break up with her, it was the only way to
keep her safe. Then maybe when all of this was over, maybe if Ginny would still want him,
maybe if Harry was lucky enough to see the end of this war, then they could start again.

Harry pulled his eyes away from the photo, numbly looking around his room that didn't much
feel like his anymore. He felt so emotionally wrecked from everything that happened last
night. He found himself shutting down again with Remus, with the Weasleys, with
McGonagall and Hagrid, any adult that kept asking Harry how he was doing.

Remus had told Harry to pack up, that meant Harry wasn't ever going to see this room again.
Throughout the year, Severus' quarters, this bedroom, had become home to Harry, his first
real home… Then they found Remus' cabin, a second home, a true, permanent home that
wasn't a part of Hogwarts. Harry's heart squeezed with grief, wondering if he'd lost that home
as well, if he would ever be able to step foot inside it again.

And Harry knew he should feel more than just a numb, painful squeeze of his heart, knew he
should be feeling something more stronger…

He really did love this room. It was the very first bedroom that wasn't his dormitory that he
could call his own. The first real thing Severus had ever given him, even when they had hated
each other. Severus gave Harry this room. There weren't many personal things left in here,
most of his stuff was all in his dormitory up in Gryffindor tower… But this room… The
things inside it… The furniture… His bed with his burgundy comforter… Even the clothes
that were in the closet… It was all given to him by Severus, and now it didn't belong to Harry
anymore… It belonged to a boy that had once wished he were dead, once closed himself off
from trusting adults ever again. A boy who had sought comfort from a blade to his skin. A
boy who had been lost and then found by the version of Severus Snape that had become his
father. Because even though Harry had not known it at the time, that boy he once was…all he
needed was a parent to teach him how to trust again, a parent to pull him out of his own
darkness… A boy that was brought back to life, but now, Harry did not feel like that boy
anymore. He wasn't even sure how to feel anymore. He just felt numb. Numb to everything,
to an ending of this chapter in his life where he had Severus Snape as a father.

It was like a fever dream and his heart just ached… It ached where trust had once been inside
of Harry, blooming delicately after it had been broken by adults that were supposed to care
for him so many times, like fresh green stalks of grass sprouting out from melting snow. And
what had happened last night, Severus' betrayal, it was like an icy snowstorm, freezing and
killing those precious sprouts, leaving nothing but this horrible icy, achy numbness inside of
him.

Harry knew he still had Remus, that not all was lost, that he was no longer completely alone
as he had once felt. But the task Dumbledore had set Harry on, Remus couldn't go with him.
Harry was on his own now. It was time to take part in this war and face the prophecy.

He reached inside his pocket and took out the locket he had found on the grass besides
Dumbledore's fallen body. Harry hadn't had a chance to look at it until now. The thing that
Dumbledore had fought so hard to take, had weakened himself for. Slytherin's locket…
Horcruxes… Harry's head spun with everything Dumbledore had taught him. With his heart
now racing, he examined the locket. It was heavy, golden and ugly with a giant snake that
was arranged into an S on it. Harry wondered if this ugly thing was really a Horcrux. He
didn't feel anything coming off of it, anything that revealed it to be more than just an ugly
piece of jewelry. It just looked like a piece of junk, really.

Harry opened the locket, immediately finding a note inside of it. With his heart racing even
more, this time with anticipation, Harry unfolded the note and read…

To the Dark Lord

I know I will be dead long before you read this but I want you to know that it was I who
discovered your secret. I have stolen the real Horcrux and intend to destroy it as soon as I
can. I face death in the hope that when you meet your match, you will be mortal once more.

R.A.B.

Harry's racing heart stopped beating and he felt it plummet into his stomach with
disappointment as he read it over and over again with disbelief. This locket was a fake! That
meant his whole journey with Dumbledore to get this had all been for nothing! The pain
Dumbledore had gone through to get the locket out of the basin, drinking that horrible potion,
and Harry being dragged into the inferi-infested lake, it had all been for this fake locket!

And Dumbledore, he'd been so weak, too weak to defend himself against the Death Eaters…
against…

All for this piece of junk!

But who was R.A.B? Harry searched his memory for anything, coming up with nothing, and
he figured he should tell Ron and Hermione about this when he had the chance. Perhaps they
may have an idea of who R.A.B was.

Harry sighed out with frustration. It was just another thing to search for now. He closed the
locket with a snap, shoving it back into his pocket, then pressed his hands to his face, feeling
overwhelmed by the enormity of his task and all of the unknown parts to it. He could feel
himself shaking. The need to cut was starting to emerge deep inside, but it wasn't out of fear.
Not anymore. It was just for the heavy weight of what he had to do alone, and not knowing
where to start. He didn't have Severus by his side anymore…the love he had felt for his
dad… It was so messed up, after everything that happened, Harry still loved him, but it was
distorted with anger, distorted with betrayal, frozen with grief, leaving him aching and numb,
but it was still there. That was the worst part about all of this. Harry still loved his dad,
missed him deeply, even if he wasn't sure if that version of Severus Snape had ever existed. It
just left Harry with the feeling of overwhelming grief, as if his dad had died.

In the darkness of his closed eyes, Harry couldn't help but recall the sheer relief that he'd felt
for a short moment when Severus had arrived at the tower, the plea in Severus' glittering dark
eyes for Harry to remain silent, to stay hidden, to trust him. The very last memory he had of
his dad. And in that moment, Harry had trusted his dad completely.

Then he remembered the way the Death Eaters had quieted down when Severus had revealed
himself to them. The way Harry's heart was pounding so loudly against his chest that he
feared he may be found by Greyback's sensitive werewolf hearing. That fear becoming
greater as he watched Severus raise his wand at Dumbledore, who pleaded Severus' name.

Avada Kedavra! Harry never thought he would hear that spell come out of his dad's mouth so
coldly and detached.

Green light, that was all Harry was able to see. He was paralyzed. The green light glowed
from behind his eye-lids, feeling his breath hitch from the panic that he had felt under the
floorboards, hidden…the fear…the disbelief and confusion, the agony in realizing he'd been
betrayed. Remus had been betrayed… Dumbledore had been betrayed…and he was falling…
falling…falling….

In that moment, the Severus Harry called dad had died along with Albus Dumbledore. He felt
tears start to well up at the thought, and felt the surge of grief rushing through him. Harry
pressed his palms into his eye sockets until spots of light began to bloom from behind his
eyelids. He wasn't going to let himself cry anymore for Severus Snape. It was time to grow
up now. It was time to be strong. It was time for him to face his destiny by completing the
mission and ending this war. He couldn't lose his sanity. There was no room for that in his
plan. No more tears. No more cutting… Freezing away the grief of what he had lost, until
Harry could imagine his brick wall strong and sturdy once more, this time it was frozen over
with ice.

"Harry?"

Remus' voice caused Harry to move his hands away from his face. He inwardly pulled
himself together, then straightened his glasses and ran a hand through his hair. Pulling his
face into a neutral expression as Remus opened the door.

"Are you ready?" Remus asked.

Harry fixed his gaze on Remus. His papa was looking every bit as emotionally exhausted as
Harry was feeling himself, and he wondered if Remus had managed any sleep last night.
Harry doubted it, noting the dark circles underneath Remus' eyes, his pale face that caused
the thin scars on his face to stand out more than usual.

"Yeah, I think so…" Harry muttered, looking down at the picture frame in his hand. "I'm just
taking this."

Remus frowned, "Are you sure?"

Harry could only nod once, not meeting Remus' gaze, but he could feel the concern coming
off of him in waves, feeling the sense that Remus had more to say, but he didn't and Harry
was glad of it. He just didn't feel like talking right now.

"Alright, cub, let's get out of here. I'm sure we can find some early lunch in the kitchens."

And that was where they ended up, sharing a self-refilling platter of sandwiches between
them, in courtesy of the house-elves.
As he tried his best to eat, not really feeling hungry, Harry knew he had to tell Remus about
the meeting he had with McGonagall and the heads of houses last night…

The new headmistress of Hogwarts had just stressed to Harry that Remus wasn't a
documented or official guardian, even if Harry considered him as the closest thing to a
parent. And Remus being a werewolf, it didn't help the situation at all, it only made it worse.
Her hands were tied, she couldn't allow Harry to go with Remus during the summer nor with
the Weasleys, at least not right away.

And in that moment, sitting in that office, clouded with shock and exhaustion, Harry already
knew what McGonagall couldn't bring herself to say.

Severus hadn't left anything behind to ensure Harry's safety from the Dursleys, and that had
hurt worse of all. Severus always made sure to promise Harry over and over that he would
never have to go back to Privet Drive, yet here Harry was, sitting in this chair, hearing the
news that he had to go back, there was no other choice. Broken promises paired with betrayal
and broken trust. Had Severus meant for this to happen? Meant to betray Harry in the worst
possible way and then ship him back to his abusers?

That look Harry would find in Severus' eyes, the very reason why Harry had such a hard time
trusting Severus during the early months of the school year, had it been this betrayal all
along? And Harry felt anger rise up in him at the thought, remembering all those times Harry
would see it, thinking Severus was hiding something, but then had chosen to ignore it under
Severus' persistence to trust him, that their relationship could never work if Harry didn't try
to trust him. But it was that look shining in Severus' eyes, giving Harry the feeling that he
was hiding something, maybe it was just the real Severus Snape that had been showing
through, the one planning on betraying Harry. And he felt like such an idiot for allowing
Severus to get into his head, for believing in Severus, so desperate for a parent to love and
trust, had chosen to ignore it. He let down his guard, allowed his walls to be taken down,
only to get hit back by Severus a thousand times worse.

Their meeting had then been interrupted by an official looking owl flying in through the
window of the circular window, dropping a scroll of parchment on Dumbledore's desk, then it
flew back out, leaving no chance for them to reply back if needed to.

Everyone in that room grew silent as McGonagall opened the scroll and began to read its
contents.

"Well, that just decides it then…" McGonagall's voice was full of regret and guilt as she
handed Harry the scroll.

It was a letter from the Wizarding Department of Child Protective Services. Severus had
transferred the Dursley's guardian rights to himself, but now that he was out of the picture,
now that he was deemed a traitor and was now one of the most wanted Death Eaters, the
contract was nullified, leaving two choices, either Harry goes into foster care during the
summer or he goes back to the Dursleys.

Harry felt his chin wobble as he read it, remembering the night Severus had first shown him
the papers of guardian transfer, asking Harry if it was okay if he sent them to the department,
making Severus an official parent to Harry. It had all seemed so real that night of Severus
loving Harry enough to want to become a parent to him. Harry felt like he was going mental,
how could that have been an act? How could that have been Severus pretending? The way
Severus had been so sincere, so happy, so excited when Harry agreed, and when the
certificate stating them as an official family arrived days later, the hug Severus had given
Harry…

"Kid, this has already been your home since you've first set foot in here...and it always will
be."

"And you won't leave, right?"

"No matter what I do or what happens in the future with this war going on, just know that I'll
always love you. I'll always be there for you. Do not forget this, I promise to you, that nothing
will change the fact that you're my son and I your father, and there's nothing I wouldn't do for
you."

That moment, that certificate, it didn't mean anything anymore. Harry wondered if what
Severus had promised to him that day was real as well. No matter what… No matter what…
Had Severus been talking about this? Harry didn't know what to make of it, wasn't sure if he
should take those promises to heart. He just didn't know anymore, and he could feel
McGonagall watching him. He forced himself to stay calm, not allowing himself to lose
himself in his panic and hurt. This moment couldn't be real. Like one of his nightmares had
come to life, and it was real, Merlin, it was real!

"How did they know so soon?" Harry forced himself to ask.

"I'm so sorry, Potter," McGonagall replied. "I'll leave this decision up to you, although I'll
hate to see you get lost in the foster system, something Albus had always fought so hard to
prevent, but you having to go back to your relatives may be just as worse."

"And somehow, Dumbledore still saw them as the better option," Harry said.

And sitting there in that circular office, in that chair, thinking of all the evenings he spent up
here with Dumbledore, seeing the memories, learning about Tom Riddle and Horcruxes, it
reminded Harry of what was important.

Horcruxes… To finish what they started, what Dumbledore had been working on all year.

Harry could bare a few more miserable weeks at Privet Drive…and Harry began to
understand why Dumbledore had placed Harry in the Dursleys' care all those years ago,
knowing it may not be the safest nor happiest and nurturing place for Harry, but it was the
only place that could keep Harry alive, keep him and his relatives safe and hidden from
Voldemort and the Death Eaters. The wards… He had to go back and reactivate the wards to
keep the Dursleys protected, to keep himself protected. It was what his mom had died for.
Harry couldn't let her last act of love for him go to waste. He wouldn't be able to live with
himself if he let that last year of protection fade out, especially with the war practically at
their doorsteps now. He couldn't put the Dursleys in danger like that. He could not be
responsible for their deaths.

He had to do this, Harry had to, and he was ready. He was stronger than before and he
wouldn't let himself fall victim to the Dursleys' abuse this time. Then once his time there was
up, he would leave Privet Drive to start his journey on searching for the remaining
Horcruxes. He wasn't going back to Hogwarts anymore. Feeling the grief of that realization,
the sting of his childhood officially ending, and with shaking hands, Harry handed
McGonagall the scroll. He couldn't bear to look at the evidence of what he had lost tonight.

"I'm going back to Privet Drive," Harry bravely said.

"Just please, take care, Potter, and we'll have Order members stationed outside every hour.
Just in case something happens."

Pulling himself back to the present, Harry watched as Remus ate, preparing with what he was
going to say. He knew it was going to take a lot of convincing for Remus to understand his
decision, that Remus might even forbid Harry from going back to Privet Drive, but Harry
wasn't backing down. Remus was going to have to allow Harry his decision whether he liked
it or not.

"Remus," Harry finally managed to say. His eyes then traveled down to his plate, realizing he
had picked apart his sandwich while lost in his anxiety-filled thoughts. He put it down,
wiping his hands with a napkin.

Remus fixed Harry with his concerned hazel eyes. Harry guessed Remus had noticed him lost
in his thoughts and was waiting for him to come out from his frozen wall, to say something,
realizing he'd barely spoken a word since they left Severus' quarters.

"I have to tell you about the meeting with McGonagall last night."

Remus put down the sandwich that was currently in his hands, wiping them down with a
napkin. "I've been meaning to ask you about that… I just didn't want to push you, a lot has
happened."

Harry could only nod to that, he suddenly felt himself closing up. Those hazel eyes that
watched him with quiet concern, that voice full of patience and understanding, it reminded
Harry of Severus, and he found himself inwardly backing away. The chilly frost from inside
freezing him up until he couldn't remember the words he had planned to say.

"Go on, cub, you can still trust me, remind yourself of that. You still have me no matter what
he has done…"
Harry took a breath as Remus reached out, covering his hand with his own. A firm, tight grip
that grounded Harry, allowing him to step out again and talk, but he still felt very cold inside
as he told Remus about the possibility of the school closing, how during the meeting they
were interrupted by the Wizarding Department of Child Protective Services, informing them
of the nullified guardianship between Severus and Harry.

Harry felt Remus squeeze his hand when he realized what that meant.

"No," Remus shook his head with horror. "No, you're not going back there!"

"I have to! And even without them forcing me to choose between the Dursleys and foster
care, I would've chosen to go back to them anyway! They are still family, even after
everything they've done! They still need to be protected by the wards."

Remus only shook his head. "Harry, no, there's other ways to protect them! You don't have to
sacrifice your safety for them! I'm not allowing you to do that. You're staying with me. I don't
care what the Ministry says about it, you're coming back to the cabin with me!"

"Going back to the cabin is just as bad as staying at the Dursleys! Severus knows where it is,
he can find us! Besides, I don't even think I can step foot in it without remembering…"

Remus sighed at that, squeezing Harry's hand again to show him that he understood what
Harry couldn't bring himself to finish saying.

"To tell you the truth, I am not surprised at all. I thought you might come to this decision."
Remus' voice was full of defeat. "But it doesn't mean that I have to approve of your reasons,
as noble as they may be. I'm worried for you, Harry, going back there, it's not safe for you.
They've hurt you in the worst possible way! Think of all the hard work you've put into
yourself in overcoming the trauma they've done to you. What if it all comes back? What if
you relapse?"

"I won't," Harry pleaded. "I can't afford to lose my head. We have a war to fight."

"You're very brave, cub, way braver than I could ever be. I think Dumbledore would have
been proud of you."

Harry looked down to Remus' hand still over his, unable to look his papa in the eye as he
asked softly, his heart aching, "If Severus never betrayed us… Remus, if he would have been
lost to us in a different way… If we still had him in some way… Would he have felt the same
way as you or would he be proud like Dumbledore or think I'm insane for going back to
Privet Drive? Would he have allowed it to happen?"

It took a while for Remus to answer Harry, as if he had thought very carefully before
answering. His voice was filled with sorrow and pain as he finally said, "I would like to think
that Severus would think you're very much insane for doing this, probably shout himself
hoarse over this before accepting that you are no longer a child, you're a young adult who is
allowed to make their own decisions… Then he would accept it and in the end he would be
very worried for you, perhaps even a bit proud that you conquered your fears. He would
probably say you are very much like your mother, putting others first, doing what is right. I
would probably argue with him that you get that from James."

Harry scoffed at that. "He would hate this."

"He would be worried for you."

"Do you think there's a chance…"

"That he may still be undercover?"

Harry nodded… Severus' promises echoing in his head…

"No matter what I do or what happens in the future with this war going on, just know that I'll
always love you. I'll always be there for you. Do not forget this, I promise to you, that nothing
will change the fact that you're my son and I your father, and there's nothing I wouldn't do for
you."

Looking back, Severus always made that sort of promise, to remember that he loved him no
matter what.

Just before Harry had left with Dumbledore... "I love you, kid, no matter what."

No matter what...

And Harry, he had to hold on to that… It was a bit of hope in a cloud of uncertainty, a chink
of hope in his frozen wall.

"I want to believe that, Harry, Merlin I do…but…"

"He killed Dumbledore…" Harry choked out.

"I didn't see him last night," Remus added, pulling his hand away.

"Neither did I…"

"Harry, are you sure you want to do this? I don't care if they see me as an unfit guardian to
you. I will fight with everything I have to have you stay with me this summer."

"I'm sure."

Remus sighed with defeat. "Okay, okay…"

Harry watched Remus as he ran his hands through his graying hair, rubbing his hands over
his face, trying to accept Harry's decision, trying to recompose himself.

And then Remus spoke again, "You know it's really difficult being a werewolf and I've grown
used to the hardships, it's all I know. In a way I've been humbled by it. I've accepted this as
my life…but there are times where being one makes me so angry. This is one of those
moments. I'm sorry, cub, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I had a feeling this may
happen, that the guardian contract between you and Severus would be canceled out, but with
everything that's happened, I was hoping it would be overlooked… Severus used to beg me to
take you if anything were to happen, he was so sure of it… I told him it was foolish for him
to rely on a werewolf ever gaining custody over you, but he wouldn't back down. That was
always his one request, for me to take care of you…"

"It sounds like he knew," Harry said with confusion.

"I know," Remus said. "But how long did he know? How long was he planning this?"

And Harry couldn't answer that, it hurt too much to even think about it.

"Cub," Remus said, peering at him with a solemn expression. His hazel eyes catching Harry's
and holding them. "You going back to the Dursleys, me being barred from taking you in
because of what I am, it doesn't mean that I won't ever stop fighting for you. I know you've
made your decision, I know it's final and I can not change your mind, but I am not letting you
go without protection."

Remus gently picked up the framed photo of his friends that Harry had placed on the table
earlier.

"I know you can take care of yourself, but I just want you to be safe. I'm going to make sure
Privet Drive will be guarded at all times, and I'm going to be there. I'm going to be out there
for you. So if anything happens, I don't care how much you want to protect them, if that
muggle touches you, get yourself out. Do you promise me, Harry?"

"I promise."

"Portus."

The picture frame glowed blue for a quick second, then Remus handed it back to Harry.

"Keep this close with you at all times. If anything happens, all you have to do is touch it and
say The Burrow. It will take you straight there, promise me you'll hold on to it, that you'll use
it."

"I promise," Harry said again, tucking it away into his pocket for safe-keeping.

"And one more thing, I know you and Dumbledore were out of the castle before everything
happened last night. Care to tell me why? He left you with something to do, didn't he?"

Harry didn't know what to say to that, but he knew Remus questioning him would arrive
eventually. McGonagall had already questioned him about it, and just like with her, Harry
remained silent about it. Dumbledore had stressed over to Harry time and time again how
important it was to keep everything between them a secret, even with Remus, and it hurt to
keep it from his papa, but Harry had no choice.

Harry only shook his head, not speaking, allowing himself to shut down again, hiding behind
his frozen wall, in only to stop Remus from searching for answers Harry couldn't give him.
Remus spent the next few days hiding in his quarters when he wasn't needed. He found that
he couldn't stand to be around others anymore, it was so hard and exhausting to put up a front
that he was okay, besides the fact that they were all dealing with Dumbledore's death and
Severus' betrayal. He just couldn't show how deeply Severus' betrayal struck him. They didn't
know, they didn't know how much Severus had meant to Remus, what he was for him, only
Harry and Tonks knew, but Remus hid it even from them, he didn't want to burden Harry like
that, and Tonks, they hadn't spoken since their falling out.

Remus had found himself sitting in front of the hearth in his living room most of the time. It
was now too warm in the castle to light a fire, which was fine, he preferred sitting in the dark.
The curtains all pulled shut. Just him in the dark, no sounds, no one around to pretend that he
was okay for. Just him and the darkness and the solitude and quiet. He'd even destroyed the
clock on the mantel when the ticking had grown to be an annoyance. Now he used the bits of
light glowing from the curtains to determine time, but who needed time, really?

He had given up on sleep, it just wouldn't come to him. His mind wouldn't give him any
peace. And every night, he would just move back to his spot in front of the hearth, in a
trance. His mind rewinding through every memory he had of Severus, trying to find every
single sign, every single moment where that stranger had shown through. But he couldn't find
anything, just that look in his eyes that he was hiding something, where Remus had figured it
was just something going on between Severus and Dumbledore that he couldn't speak about.
There had always been secrets, secrets Remus thought that had to be for the war, but maybe it
wasn't, maybe it was much more than that, maybe it was the secret of what Severus was
planning to do.

And going through his memories, Remus found only his Severus, nothing of that stranger. He
found moments when Severus would look at him and Harry with so much love and happiness
that was always tainted with sorrow, as if he'd known all along what was going to happen,
that their family had an ending. An ending he couldn't stop from happening. And the things
Severus would say echoed in Remus' head, even before he and Severus had gotten together,
how Severus would always make Remus promise to take Harry, to protect him if anything
should happen to him. Severus always made it sound like he was going to one day have to
leave them, or that something would happen to him. That no matter what, he would always
love Harry as his son, always love Remus. These details Remus found, it didn't soothe his
mind, only confused him. How could Severus have faked all of that?

Maybe, Harry was right to question Severus' betrayal? It was just so sudden and unexpected,
without any sign of him being a traitor and a murderer. Would if this whole thing had been
only for him to keep his cover? Was his betrayal real? But he killed Dumbledore. Remus
might have believed Severus' innocence if it wasn't for that, because was saving his cover
really worth Dumbledore's life?

Remus tried so hard to figure out any possible answer to his questions. He spent the nights
going over them in his head, playing through his memories over and over and over, searching
and searching until his heart ached, until his head ached. But every morning when the sun
would rise, its light peaking through the curtains, Remus never had any answers, still trapped
in his endless loop of memories and unanswered questions. He just felt so hollow and lost,
like he was going mad. The first morning that had happened, Remus had shakily pulled
himself up from the floor to make a cup of coffee that might take away his headache at least,
but he ended up staring at the steaming black coffee he poured into his mug. It brought back
memories of Severus drinking coffee and the way that the scent of it would cling onto him,
and suddenly Remus couldn't bear to look at it anymore let alone drink it. He threw the mug
into the sink, causing it to shatter from the impact as he dry-heaved his hurt and pain over the
sink. And when it was over he wanted a drink, he needed a drink, but he pushed the urge
away.

And Harry, Remus was so wracked with guilt over what Harry was planning on doing. It
tortured him. There was a voice in his head that took over in the form of Severus' voice,
telling Remus that he was a coward for allowing such a thing to happen. He was a fool for
falling in love with a Death Eater, for failing to see the murderer hiding in those dark eyes.
Remus guessed it could only take a monster to love another monster.

As agonizing and slowly those days passed, suddenly Remus found himself standing amongst
the other professors out on the grounds by the Black Lake, his eyes squinting from the bright
sunlight that he wasn't used to. All end of the year exams were canceled and the school was
closing early which was no surprise to anyone. Today was Dumbledore's funeral, then after
the service was done, the students had about an hour to finish packing up their belongings
and board the Hogwarts Express back to London.

Half-listening to important witches and wizards drone on and on about how great
Dumbledore suddenly was to them, Remus found Harry near a crowd of Gryffindors, with his
friends. The few times Remus had braved an outing outside of his quarters to see how Harry
was faring, Harry was always so distant and quiet like he used to be before they had
reconnected. Remus knew it wasn't only because of the pain of Severus' betrayal and having
to go back to Privet Drive, it was because of something with Dumbledore. Minerva had told
Remus that Dumbledore left a task for Harry to do, and Remus wished he knew what it was,
wished there was some way he could help Harry through it so he wouldn't have to do it alone,
but Harry stubbornly kept himself at a distance from him, another consequence to Severus'
betrayal, and all Remus could hope for was that at least Ron and Hermione might know what
it was and stick by him.

When the funeral was over, Remus hugged Harry close to him before he boarded the train,
then clasped Hermione's and Ron's shoulders with affection. It wasn't a goodbye yet, Remus
had to finish packing up his quarters and office before Apparating to King's Cross. He wanted
to make sure Harry got to the Dursley's safely. After that, he had to check out a room at some
dingy hotel that was closest to Privet Drive. Remus was planning on watching the house as
much as he could, using his werewolf hearing for any sign of violence going on inside. He'd
even raided Severus' potion store on all the Wolfsbane he could take with him. He was
surprised to find loads of it in crates on Severus' desk, as if it were purposely left there. He
was planning on doing his changes in the hotel as well, and that could only happen if it was
under the safety of the Wolfsbane.

Once everything was packed up, Remus sent everything that he wasn't taking, to the cabin,
sending it all through the floo network. He barely stepped inside, only a step or two to push
everything through the green flames in the hearth. The cabin wasn't safe anymore, at least not
until Remus casted new wards. Severus knew about the cabin, he knew where it was, there
was a high chance of him going there if he'd ever needed to find Remus or Harry. Remus
knew he should take the chance to do it now, even if they wouldn't be as strong without
Dumbledore's help like the last time, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Maybe, a part of
him was hoping for Severus to appear at the cabin, a part of himself was hoping that it would
be his Severus, and Remus knew he was being a fool for hanging onto that bit of hope, but he
couldn't help it. Underneath all of his anger and hurt and frustration that Severus' betrayal had
caused him and Harry, Remus missed Severus. Merlin, he missed Severus so damn much.
He'd been walking around with a huge chunk of his heart missing ever since that night, the
part that held Severus. There were times during the days that passed since, where Remus
would find himself wanting to speak to Severus, then he would remember everything, leaving
him to feel so very lost, wishing that he had never woken up that night, that he stayed
sleeping in Severus' arms forever.

After everything was sent through the fireplace, Remus took away the floo connection
linking his office to the cabin. He wasn't sure if he was coming back for the next school year,
if there would even be anything to come back to at all.

Then after looking around his empty quarters one last time, he went to his office to retrieve
his rucksack that was packed with only essentials and his guitar, not sparing a glance at the
giant windowsill ledge where he'd spent so many evenings and nights thinking of Severus.
Where they had one of their first kisses, talking about the thing that had grown between them
like a fiery passion that had been lit but was now smothered into darkness, nothing but a
smoking charred wick on a candle. Remus swallowed, his eyes burning a bit as he left the
office, not looking back.

"You don't have to do this," Remus said with vain hope in convincing Harry to not return to
Privet Drive one last time. "It's not too late."

He had waited just outside the barrier with Arthur and Molly, Remus had looked around to
see that the Dursleys had yet to arrive, and when Harry along with his friends finally came
through the magical gateway, Remus greeted his cub with a relieved hug to see him again, he
then knelt down to Harry's eye-level, peering into those green eyes behind round glasses.

"We can figure something out," Remus pleaded.

Harry frowned, "There's no changing my mind. I have to keep them safe."

"Them being in danger from Voldemort, isn't your fault, it's not your responsibility to keep
them safe from him."

And Harry didn't say anything to do that, because that was exactly what he was feeling
inside, Remus was sure of it.

"So stubborn," Remus sighed. "Lily, James and Sirius would be so proud of you, you know
that cub, right? Just like how I'm so very proud of you. And if you change your mind about
this, it wouldn't change a thing."

"I know," Harry said softly.

Remus searched Harry's face, not missing the bit of fear hidden behind the brave front he was
wearing. He held Harry by the upper arms, giving him a squeeze of affection and a signal to
listen to what he had to say… "Cub, I'm going to be out there as much as I can. Just know
that, if anything happens, if you can't hack it in there any longer, just say the word and I'll go
in there and pull you out myself. Do you understand?"

Harry only nodded.

"Do you still have the portkey?"

"Yeah," Harry said.

"Good, remember, keep that with you at all times along with your invisibility cloak. Please,
be safe, cub."

Harry only nodded again.

"Cub…" Remus pleaded, he wanted more from Harry than just nods and yeses.

"I'll be okay, papa," Harry finally said softly, his eyes traveling from Remus' face to
something over his shoulder. The small bit of fear Remus had seen in him suddenly growing.
Their scent reached Remus' nose and he flared his nostrils, suppressing a growl underneath
his breath. The Dursleys had arrived.

Remus squeezed Harry's arms again, trying to get back his attention. "Cub, look at me."

With a bit of more coaxing, Harry's attention was back on Remus. "You don't have to do
this," he said again.

"I know."

"I just don't want you to get hurt."

"I can take care of myself when I'm with them, I did it for sixteen years. What's another
month or so?"

"Harry," Remus could only choke out from the meaning behind that.

"I'm going to be okay, I'm not going to allow myself to become a mess like before. I won't cut
myself when things get too hard, and I know how to stay out of their way."

"I know, I trust you, just not them," Remus said, suddenly catching Petunia's eye as he turned
his head towards the Dursleys for a second. He guessed his eyes were flecked with gold,
because Petunia glared at him after taking an uncertain step back.
"I think it's going to be a bit different," Harry said. "I think this time I'll have Dudley and
Aunt Petunia on my side. Remember, Dudley sent me that tea bag for Christmas? And Aunt
Petunia, she was the one who wrote to Dumbledore about me, she's the reason why Sev…
why he came to get me… And before we left, she told me I'll always have a place at Privet
Drive. I'm not expecting much, but I think she might at least keep Uncle Vernon off my
back… It's just until I turn seventeen, Remus. Don't worry, please… Just let me do this."

Remus sighed with defeat, his heart breaking. "There's no changing your mind I see, my
stubborn cub, just like Lily."

"I'm doing it for her too."

"And she would understand if you didn't, you don't have to keep them safe, especially after
what they did to you. Your mother would understand. Remember, how I said we would all be
very proud of you still?"

"Remus!" Harry said with frustration.

"Harry," Remus said back with equal frustration, panicking that he was losing his cub.

"Get a move on, boy!" Uncle Vernon suddenly barked from a distance behind Remus.

Remus turned and snapped back, barely looking at the muggle, "Give us a moment!" He then
turned back to Harry. "You're not alone, okay, remember that. We still have each other. I'm
still your papa and you're still my cub."

Harry nodded and Remus pulled him into a tight hug, whispering to him, "I love you so
much, my son, please be safe."

"I love you too, papa," Harry whispered, hugging him back.

They then pulled apart and Remus stood back up on his feet, meeting Harry's eyes once more,
seeing the fear, sorrow and resolution to do what he had to do swirling together in those green
depths. And he knew Harry was seeing the agony and worry in Remus' own gold-flecked
hazel eyes.

"I'll walk with you to the car," Remus said with defeat, taking Harry's trunk with Hedwig's
cage strapped to the top.

And after a bunch of hugs for Harry from the Weasleys and Hermione, along with some of
the Order members that were there to guard, they walked over to the Dursleys. Remus had to
hold back as Vernon Dursley gave Remus an ugly, mean glare. He was glad his hands were
full with Harry's luggage, then the walrus-sized muggle might've found himself on the other
end of Remus' wand, or better yet, on the other side of a good punch to the nose. Petunia and
Dudley, who was hiding behind his mom; casted uncertain looks at Remus, but none of them
said anything, not even a greeting to Harry after not seeing him for a year.

Remus wondered how he looked to them as they began to walk to the car together; Harry
staying close to his side. Remus knew how to blend in well to the muggle world. He was
wearing jeans and a t-shirt and flannel, something he was regretting under the early summer
heat. The only thing that was out of the ordinary, causing passing stares and whispers was
Hedwig.

Once they got to the car, Harry and Remus hugged once more, this time holding each other a
little bit longer before pulling away. Remus could feel Harry shaking. It was so hard to let
him go and watch him get into the back seat and strap himself in. Remus handed him
Hedwig's cage, where Harry settled her onto his lap after Petunia snapped at him to keep it
off the leather seats with a crinkle of her nose, showing her disgust for Hedwig. The snowy-
white owl was quiet, watching her surroundings with her big yellow-eyes as if she was trying
to be as good and quiet as possible for her owner.

"Remember what I told you, cub," Remus said, before closing the door on him. "I love you."

"I love you too," Harry whispered.

Harry's eyes were as wide as Hedwig's as he looked at Remus, and Remus knew he was
scared but was just trying to be brave. It broke Remus' heart and he hated himself so much
that he was allowing this, but this is what Harry wanted…and it would only be for a couple
of months… Remus tried to repeat that to himself over and over, but his heart still broke.

Remus closed the door. The door of the trunk slammed shut as well. During their last set of
goodbyes, Dursley had been securing Harry's trunk in the back of the car.

"Wait one second, Dursley," Remus growled, stopping the muggle from entering the driver's
side.

Dursley glared at him with his beady eyes. "You're not bloody coming with us, and I'm not
giving you no lift to anywhere, if that's what you're after!"

"You shouldn't need to worry about that," Remus said through gritted teeth, then stepped into
Dursley's personal space so fast, the muggle hadn't a chance to step back.

"If you touch one hair on that boy's head, nothing is stopping me from storming into your
house and doing the exact same thing to you that you're doing to him! You got that,
Dursley?" Remus threatened.

"What's it to you," Dursley gasped out. "Who the bloody hell even are you? You look ruddy
homeless. I could snap you in half like a bloody twig if I really wanted to!"

Remus glared at him, baring his suddenly sharper teeth, allowing the wolf to reach his
surface, just enough so Dursley could see its shadow and scare the wretched muggle.

It worked, to Remus' satisfaction, Dursley suddenly gasped out with fear. Trying to step back,
but Remus already had his wand discreetly pointed at his chest. Dursley's eyes traveled down,
his neck suddenly growing red and splotchy. He didn't move, his eyes then traveling back to
Remus.
"Oh, I know what you've done to Harry, I know every single thing…" Remus said slowly,
threateningly. "If I hear you punching him in the face…"

"Hear me?! You have my house bugged?" Dursley whimpered.

"You can put it that way…" Remus said, then continued as if the muggle hadn't interrupted.
"If I hear you punching him in the face, I'm breaking your fucking nose. If I hear you
throwing him to the floor and kicking him in the chest, stomach or ribs, I'll do the fucking
same to you and fucking break your ribs, every…single…one... Do we understand each other,
Dursley?"

Dursley only whimpered non-intelligent words in answer to Remus' threat.

"Don't you dare fucking touch him," Remus growled.

Dursley regained his composure enough to shout back, "Just stay away from my family!"

"If you stay away from mine," Remus hissed back.

Dursley then turned and stumbled over to his side of the car, opening his door and
disappearing inside, leaving Remus alone to step back by Harry's window as Dursley
slammed his door shut. He could barely see Harry through the dark glass, and he placed his
hand on the window that separated them. The car suddenly roared to life and began to back
out, forcing Remus to jump aside to avoid himself getting hit.

He watched the car pull out of the parking space and join the main street, driving away until
he couldn't see the car anymore, taking Remus' heart with it.

And that was when he saw it, crouching under the bushes not very far off from where Remus
was standing. It was a dog? He couldn't tell, but it had dark eyes, dark eyes that looked
familiar, but then Remus blinked and it was gone. Remus didn't know what to make of it,
figuring his mind was just playing tricks on him due to all of the stress of not having Harry
with him anymore. And without sparing another thought of that strange creature, Remus
looked around for any passerbyers before Disapparating back to his hotel room.

Once he was back in his small hotel room, Remus didn't know what to do with himself. It
would be about an hour until Harry reached Privet Drive. Order members were flying above,
unseen on broomsticks to make sure the car wasn't attacked by Death Eaters.

He sat on the lumpy, creaking bed, glancing around the room. It was the ugliest, greyest, most
depressing room he'd ever been in. The walls were so very thin that he could hear the other
occupants in the building. The sounds of televisions, raised voices arguing, a baby crying and
a couple having sex vibrated through. Remus sighed with annoyance, holding up his wand
and began to mutter a few enchantments and wards to alert him of any approaching danger
and to keep himself safe and hidden, even though he doubted any Death Eaters would track
him here in this Merlin forsaken hole.

How the bloody hell did he even end up here? How come all of this shit had to happen to
them? Why did Severus have to tear their family apart? Now here Remus was, listening to
strangers having sex… Now Harry was stuck at Privet Drive, back with his abusers. They
had plans for the summer, before all of this, they had plans for when they returned to the
cabin. Remus was going to take Harry swimming at the lake in front of the cabin. He was
going to show Severus all of the hiking trails…

Remus picked up his guitar where it had been laying on the bed next to his rucksack, hoping
for a bit of distraction, hoping it would help him get out of his head so that he wouldn't do
what he was itching to do, to head down to the nearest liquor store to buy a bottle of wine.

He strummed the strings, trying to focus on a few choruses, but his mind kept running a mile
a minute, worrying about Harry, missing Severus, trying not to feel sorry for himself for
having to live in this room for the next month and a half. Trying very hard to not give into his
vices of drinking, to ignore the voice in his head that sounded like his Severus, whispering to
him that he failed their kid.

Remus' fingers fumbled over the strings, messing up the notes. He stopped, took a deep
breath and tried again.

He couldn't get Harry's face out of his mind, the way he looked at Remus as he closed the car
door on him. He looked so scared and triggered, but Remus knew Harry was trying to be
brave and Remus still allowed him to go back. The guilt of it surged through him. He should
have just forbidden it. He should not have allowed Harry to do it. Remus was the parent,
wasn't he? He should have squashed this ridiculous plan before Harry even made his mind up
on it. Remus and Severus had promised Harry so many times that he was never going back
there, and now he was with them!

How could Remus have allowed it to happen?

He felt like he betrayed Harry as much as Severus had, maybe even worse…

Suddenly, Remus missed up the notes he was playing so badly that a string popped out,
causing the wire to strike his hand. He cursed out from the pain, clenching his fist as blood
streamed down and around his arm, and before he knew it he was slamming the guitar down
on the floor so hard that it exploded into pieces of broken wood and wire.

Out of breath and with warm, angry tears sliding down his cheeks, Remus looked at the mess
he made, shock took over and it was the sound of his blood dripping on the ugly carpeted
floor that brought Remus back. He shook his head and went to the bathroom, turned on the
sink and rinsed his hand, watching the blood rinse away with the warm water.

Once the cut on his hand was clean and healed, Remus couldn't stand to be in that room
anymore, he Apparated straight to Privet Drive.
He found a spot on the roof, away from the windows, but close enough so that he was able to
hear any sounds of shouting or violence coming from inside. He casted a Disillusionment
Charm on himself, causing his body to blend in with the surroundings around him like a
human chameleon.

He didn't have long to wait until the Dursleys' car pulled up in the driveway. Remus watched
as the Dursleys exited the car and headed to the house. Harry followed behind them, carrying
all of his stuff without any help.

"I'm here watching you, cub," Remus whispered, watching as Harry paused to look up at the
house with a forlorn expression on his face before being called inside by his aunt.

And Remus stayed there for hours.

The sun had set. A few stars started to appear despite all of the light pollution. Harry's
bedroom light had turned off quite a while ago, and if he listened closely, Remus could hear
his cub's heavy breathing from sleep. It had been quiet. They had dinner. Harry helped his
aunt clean up. None of them spoke a word to Harry, who then disappeared into his room and
stayed there for the rest of the evening and night.

"Remus," a voice suddenly interrupted the quiet night.

Remus turned to see Tonks standing on the roof behind him. She was wearing her Auror
robes. Her pink hair pinned up into a messy bun.

"Someone is going to see you," Remus muttered, then turned back around, his eyes settling
on the rooftops of the cookie-cutter houses in the distance. The sounds of moving cars and
televisions and voices from the neighborhood had long ago quieted down. Now the only
thing Remus could hear were the occasional dogs barking and the creaking from the moving
swing set on the breeze from an old park not too far from here.

He heard Tonks sigh, before casting a Disillusionment Charm on herself. Remus couldn't see
her, but he could feel her, hear her sitting beside him.

"How did you find me here?" Remus quietly asked.

"Where else would you be?"

"So you just came here and called my name, hoping I would respond? Would if you were
heard by the muggles?"

He could feel Tonks shrug. "How's it been here?"

"Quiet, Harry's finally asleep. I wish I knew if he ate anything for dinner."
"If they decide to starve him, Molly sent him parcels of food, so if anything he'll eat that I'm
sure…"

Remus didn't say anything else to that. It wasn't what he meant. Harry didn't eat when he was
upset or under a lot of stress….

"Charlie told me you've been up here for hours. They sent for Alastor, he's taking over the
next watch, that means you can get some rest, maybe get something to eat."

Remus shook his head, he wasn't leaving yet. Then he remembered she couldn't see him, he
still didn't answer her. He just wanted Tonks gone.

Then it became very quiet between them, the memory of their last conversation had wedged
itself between them.

"Remus, are you…"

And Remus knew what she was having a hard time asking, afraid that he may snap at her
again.

"I'm fine," he interrupted before Tonks could finish her question, his voice terse.

"You don't seem fine."

"I am, can you leave it?"

"Remus, you loved him. How can you say that you are?"

"I said drop it!"

"Okay, fine!"

Silence grew between them again.

"Look, I didn't mean to coddle you that night. I'm sorry if you felt like I wasn't respecting
your space or trying to replace him. That wasn't my intention. I was just so worried for you,
anyone could see that you were in shock."

At first Remus didn't respond. He heard the worry in Tonks' voice, the sincerity in her
apology, and Remus knew he was the one who should be apologizing to her. He was the one
who was acting mean to her, pushing her away, she was only trying to be his friend. Nothing
more.

Remus sighed, turning his attention towards Tonks, wishing they could see each other.

"Don't apologize, you were just trying to be there for me. I'm the one treating you unfairly."

"Don't apologize either, you were only hurting."

"I'm still sorry, Tonks, what I said… It was harsh. I didn't mean it… It was all so stupid… I
just felt like an idiot for believing that he might've really..." Remus choked out, unable to
finish.

"We were all fooled, we all thought he was on our side."

Remus couldn't say anything more to that. He just felt so stupid for being tricked into
believing that Severus Snape had actually been on their side, that Severus the most trusted
Death Eater of Voldemort might've actually had a heart, a heart that held Remus and Harry so
very close. Who gave his life in service to Dumbledore, for the war… That Severus Snape
might have actually loved Remus as deeply as he loved Severus. He just felt so bloody stupid
for believing all of that. He was mad for ever thinking a Death Eater could change and fall in
love… Severus Snape was a good actor… Remus still hadn't found any slip-ups, leaving a bit
of doubt… But he killed Dumbledore… He killed him in cold-blood… He showed his true
madness to Harry that night, attacking him… That had to be real, and Remus found himself
getting lost in that endless loop of doubt and questions and just not knowing what was true,
what was real…what wasn't… He rested his face into his hands and groaned with frustration
as he felt another headache coming on.

"Remus, come back to my place. You can rest there, then come back. Alastor just arrived,
Harry's in good hands."

Remus groaned out again, massaging his temple, he knew there was no arguing with her.

"Are you okay, sweetie?"

"Pounding headache."

"Okay, let's go, I'm not taking no for an answer."

Remus heard Tonks getting to her feet and he could see her in his mind holding out a hand to
him. He inwardly sighed with defeat and stood up, reaching out a hand where she knew he
was standing. He felt cool, slender fingers wrap around his own and he held on tight as he
began to feel the familiar pull of a portkey.

Tonks' apartment was small and not exactly tidy. Clothes were strewn everywhere, on piles
on the sofa and on the floor. Dishes on every surface… He pointed his wand to himself and
took away the Disillusionment Charm off of himself.

For some reason, Remus was not surprised at all to see a messy apartment. It brought a smile
out of him, a small one and the first one in days.

"Crikey, Remus, I'm such a pig, just hold on…" Tonks said, taking off her own
Disillusionment Charm off of herself as well and gathering every dish and article of clothing
in her vicinity.

But Remus didn't mind at all, dismissing her fervent apologies as she rapidly cleaned up. It
had the comforting air of a well-loved home.
Remus felt something small bump against him, he looked down to see an orange cat
wrapping its slender body around his legs. He was surprised at the small cat's greeting, dogs
and cats usually stayed far away from him, always sensing the werewolf he was. Remus bent
down and scratched his chin. The cat began to purr.

"So this is the famous Oliver?" Remus said, continuing to scratch his chin.

"Yup, the little bugger," Tonks said, clearing off the sofa.

"Why is he so dirty?" Remus laughed, noticing the smudges of dirt behind his ears and on his
feet. The dust on his orange tabby coat.

"He likes being dirty, believe me, you'll think water is acidic to him the way he acts in the
bath."

Tonks then directed Remus to the bathroom where he could use it and wash up. He looked at
his reflection in the mirror as he washed his hands and rinsed his face. He looked terrible and
exhausted. And he wondered what he was doing here when he should be nearby Harry just in
case anything should happen. It was the one promise he was determined to keep after all the
broken ones. That he'll be out there, watching over Harry, and if something happened while
he was here in Tonks' apartment, Remus would never be able to forgive himself. He'll have to
thank her for letting him use her bathroom and perhaps ask for some muggle painkillers for
his headache or even a potion, then be on his way. He couldn't stay here.

When he came back out, the living room was tidy and he spied some sheets, blankets and
pillows fixed up on the sofa for him. Oliver greeted Remus with a meow and followed him to
the kitchen where he found Tonks fixing up a sandwich.

"Seems like you made a friend, I'm jealous."

"Of me or Oliver?"

"You of course," Tonks laughed.

"Tonks, I appreciate everything you're doing, I… I can't stay here, I have to go back."

Tonks gave him a stern look that Remus was sure she learned from her mother, Andromeda
Tonks. "You need to sleep, Remus."

"What if something happens, and I'm not there?"

"Well, then you'll be no use to him if you're dead on your feet!"

And Remus knew she was right, knew she had won the argument and the look she shot him,
she knew that as well. She poured a glass of water and handed him a tiny phial.

"For your headache, then eat, please." Tonks placed a plate with a sandwich on the table.

.
.

Remus had a hard time falling asleep, even though he was feeling thoroughly exhausted and
sore from sitting on the roof for so long, and when he finally did fall into an uneasy sleep, he
was plagued with flashes of Severus.

His Severus… Remus was holding him, whispering to him… Severus throwing his head back
and laughing... Then he turned into that stranger with those cold, glittering black eyes, his
wand pointed on Harry. Then Remus started seeing Harry in the muggles' car, the way he
looked at Remus with so much fear, telling Remus that he failed him. Severus' voice echoing
in his dreams… You failed our kid, Lupin… You failed Harry… Why did you let him go back?
Why?

You left first! Remus tried to shout. You left us first! You betrayed us!

Then Remus was suddenly the wolf again running up on that stupid hill, but this time it was
so dark. There was no brilliant light, no dark wolf howling to him, waiting for him at the top.
He was alone. Remus was alone.

I'm alone! Harry! I'm trying! Severus, where are you! Remus was running and running but he
wasn't getting anywhere! Wasn't moving! The light is gone! The light is gone, only darkness
here! Is this the end of everything? Am I dying? What is happening?! Where is the light?!

Suddenly he jolted awake and shouted as something touched his arm, trying to free himself
from the tangled sheets.

"Remus, sweetie, it's me, Dora. You were only dreaming," Tonks consoled him, she was
sitting on the edge of the sofa, peering worriedly at him. "I heard you shouting, are you
alright? It sounded like one hell of a nightmare."

Remus couldn't speak, he only shakily ran his hand over his face, rubbing at his eyes and
trying to calm down his heavy breaths.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Tonks asked.

Remus shook his head. He was so used to Severus being the one waking him from his
nightmares, soothing him, holding him, kissing him, and Remus craved him. He needed to
feel Severus so much, it hurt. His heart was longing for him and he felt so guilty for feeling
all of that. For still being in love with a murderer, a Death Eater, a monster.

A monster just like himself, perhaps it really did take one monster to love another monster.

Even though Remus was still so unsure of who Severus Snape really was or if that version of
him had even existed, Remus still loved him. And the thought of that, it sent fresh, warm
tears to fall down his cheeks. Remus only wiped them away, not making a sound, wishing
Tonks could leave, but not having the strength to send her away.

What was Severus doing right now while Remus was being tortured by his nightmares and
guilt and heartbreak on Tonks' sofa? While Harry slept in his old bed at Privet Drive under
the same roof as his abusers? What was Severus doing right now? Did he know? Did he
know Harry was back at Privet Drive? Did he even care that they were suffering?

More fresh tears came down and Remus' throat tightened.

"Oh, Remus… You're okay… You're okay… Harry's okay… We'll know right away if
anything happened while you were gone."

Remus felt her hands card through his hair. Felt her soft hands wiping away his tears from his
face, her thumb accidentally brushing over his lips, and he looked up at her. Her eyes were
blue and full of sorrow and pity. He hated that she was looking at him that way, that she was
seeing him this way, the mess he'd been in for days, but he couldn't hide it any longer and a
small part of him was glad that it was Tonks who saw it and no one else. She was his best
friend. He had to let her in and stop pushing her away. She was just trying to be there for him.

Remus wasn't sure what made him do it. He knew he was making the biggest mistake in his
life that he would forever regret, but he was feeling so wretched and tired and heartbroken.
He missed Severus, the version of him that possibly never existed. He missed Harry. His
family was lost. He was lost and alone, and afraid from his nightmares and Tonks was there.
A friend. A temporary comfort, a temporary replacement to what Remus really wanted. He
moved aside on the sofa and pulled her close to him.

Tonks didn't protest, she only looked at him with questionable eyes and then suddenly started
kissing away the tears streaming down Remus' face. Her lips trailing down as she whispered
to him that he wasn't alone, that he still had her and that everything was going to be okay. She
then began to kiss him on the lips. Remus kept his mouth closed at first, wondering if he
liked this or not, and in the end, he decided that it didn't matter, he opened his mouth and he
kissed her back.

The kisses felt wrong. Her tongue in his mouth felt wrong. Her soft feminine whispers were
all wrong in his ear. Tonks wasn't Severus, but it would have to do. Remus just needed to
prove to himself that he wasn't a monster in love with another monster, that he could perhaps
one day love someone else. That he wasn't so far gone, out of reach, and so very damaged,
that a human as good and pure as Tonks could still want him.

And Remus knew that this was all just so very wrong and his instincts inside were screaming
at him to stop. He could imagine how hurt Severus would be if he were to ever find out,
remembering his jealousy and insecurities over Remus' friendship with Tonks. That alone
almost made Remus want to pull away, but he stopped himself. That Severus never existed.
Why did he feel like he was cheating on him, when there was never anyone to cheat on in the
first place?

And with that last thought, Remus banished every thought out of his head and kissed Tonks
so hard she gasped and pressed herself closer to him. He felt even more wretched, seeing how
much she still really liked him, suppressed her feelings for him, and here he was, leading her
on for his own selfish reasons, knowing he could never give her what she fully wanted from
him. And as he kissed her, Remus wished so very hard that he could love Tonks in the way
she loved him, in the way he loved Severus.
He kissed Tonks harder, running his hands down her sides, feeling the small, curvy shape of
her body then gently holding the small cup of her breast and squeezing, trying to find that
passion, trying to find it and grab onto it, then maybe this wouldn't be a mistake after all, but
he couldn't…he couldn't and his heart broke and he just kept kissing Tonks and pulling her
close to him.

Tonks suddenly pulled away, brushing a lock of hair away from his face, her eyes soft and
hazel, the same color as his own.

"Are you okay with this?" Remus croaked out with worry and guilt.

Tonks nodded, and suddenly they were kissing again.

Remus wasn't sure if he had blacked out or not, or it just happened so fast that he didn't have
time to register what was happening until it already was. He was suddenly pushing himself
inside of Tonks, laying on top of her. They hadn't even fully taken off their clothes, just their
pants. He pushed himself deeper and deeper, staring into her eyes, seeing the affection Tonks
had for him mixed with sorrow, and he saw that she knew what this was between them. A
mistake, a friendship on the verge of ruin. That he could never love her like she loved him.
But they didn't stop, they kept going. She was so small and different underneath him, so
warm and soft and Remus felt awkward and clumsy and it was all just so very wrong. She
wasn't him… Tonks wasn't who Remus wanted…and he released himself into her, groaning
out from it and hearing her startled gasps as she suddenly reached completion underneath him
as well.

Then it was over. Now it was an ugly thing between them, something their friendship could
never get past, and it was all his fault. Remus allowed it to happen knowing it would end like
this. He pulled himself out of Tonks and sat on the sofa, pulling back on his pants. Avoiding
her gaze as he muttered with so much guilt and hurt, "I'm so sorry… I don't know what came
over me… Dora… I'm sorry… I didn't mean to…"

"Remus, can you look at me please?"

He couldn't. He couldn't look at her. Remus turned away. He felt so dirty and horrid. He was
trying to prove to himself that he wasn't a monster, but all it did was prove that he was. He
was so ashamed of himself for letting them get carried away like that, for allowing them to
get so far. He was only just trying to fill the hole in his heart, in his very soul with Tonks.
Wondering if maybe for a second they could be, but it was wrong. It made him feel even
worse than before. He still felt so very empty and soulless and heartless, and Tonks deserved
so much better than someone like him, then someone who could never love her the way she
wanted, someone who was cursed with being a monstrous werewolf, someone who took
advantage of the crush he'd always known she had for him and betrayed her so very badly. He
was so selfish, taking from her, searching for himself, for Severus, in her and finding
nothing…nothing at all and just hurting her in the worst way possible.

"This was a mistake. We shouldn't have done this, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have led you on…"
Remus stuttered out.

"I don't care! Can you just look at me!"

And when he still couldn't, Tonks stood up and stormed into her bathroom, slamming the
door shut behind her.

Remus immediately heard the lock on the door click. He quickly got up, picking up his
flannel and throwing it on over his t-shirt, holding back his anger, his regret. He was tired of
feeling so low of himself, tired of being angry and lost and this was all just a mistake.
Another thing to feel horrible about. Now he lost his friendship with Tonks as well, now he
was truly alone.

Remus left the apartment. He couldn't stay there and he knew he would not even be able to
sleep after that, so he went back to Privet Drive, Apparating far enough away so that the loud
pop of it wouldn't wake anyone. He landed in the park. The night was dark and still, not a
soul about. He walked back to the Dursleys' house, casting the Disillusionment Charm back
on himself after alerting his presence to Alastor and Charlie who kept watch undercover.

"Everything is quiet," Charlie said to Remus.

"Good, you two should get some rest, I can take the next watch and you can come back in the
morning."

"Constant Vigilance, Lupin, no falling asleep," Alastor said with disapproval, his electric-
blue eye pointed directly at him. He then began to walk away, far enough so that the muggles
wouldn't wake from the loud pop of him Disapparating.

Charlie reappeared in front of Remus, his own Disillusionment Charm wearing off. His blue
eyes searching for Remus. "Where's Tonks? I thought she left with you."

"I was sleeping on her couch, and I couldn't anymore, so I came back." Remus was glad
Charlie couldn't see him, he would see the guilt and shame clearly written on his face.

Charlie nodded. "I'll be back first thing tomorrow to relieve you. You have to rest."

"I know."

Charlie then walked down the same direction Alastor had gone, and Remus was able to hear
a very faint pop signaling his departure.

Remus then walked to the house and used a levitation spell to get himself onto the roof, and
he settled into the spot he had occupied before.

With his sharp werewolf hearing, Remus could tell that everyone in the house was still
asleep. Dawn wasn't very far off. He focused on Harry's room, zoning in on his cub's heavy
breaths and quiet whimpers that were because of nightmares. Remus sighed, wishing he
could just go in there and comfort him, it was torture not being able to, to keep himself sitting
where he was.
Suddenly he felt like something was watching him, the wolf inside him awoke, growling
softly. Remus looked down, seeing a flash or a shadow for a very brief second…he wasn’t
sure what he saw and he looked around, searching, the hair on the back of his arms rising.

Remus floated down from the roof, walking around the house as silently as he could, but
there was nothing, and he figured maybe he was just exhausted and the fear of his own
nightmares still lingered in him, because for a second, for a second when he saw that shadow,
he thought he might have seen a black wolf, the wolf from his dreams, but that was
impossible, there were no wolves here, and the wards didn’t go off, alerting him of any
danger or trespassers that meant Harry harm.

And after giving up his search on foot, Remus settled himself back on the roof, still keeping
an eye out just in case he had missed anything. He took a deep breath, scenting the air, but
still finding nothing.

The shadow he saw reminded him of his nightmare he had on Tonks’ sofa. Running up that
hill in the darkness, no sign of the wolf he used to try so hard to reach. The dream had
changed, what did it mean? And now…now he was seeing black wolves in the waking world
as well?

Remus ran a hand through his hair with exhaustion, perhaps it was just the lack of sleep
catching up with him… If there really was a wolf, and not just some figment of his sleep-
deprived imagination, then he would have scented it.

But why did he still have such an uneasy feeling that he wasn’t alone? The wolf inside him
growled again and Remus pushed it away, not knowing that it was trying to tell him that he
had walked past a black wolf hidden among the hydrangeas in the back garden.

A black wolf with eyes as dark as obsidian, with its ears pricked in the direction of Harry’s
window.
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