I'm An 11-Yr-Old - Script, Lyrics & Notes 3

‘I’m An 11-Yr-Old…GET ME OUT OF HERE!
’ by Andrew Oxspring, Nick Haworth, Mark & Lisa Hilton
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©  Edgy Productions 2023. Unauthorised performing and copying prohibited. See p2 Page 1
‘I’m An 11-Yr-Old…GET ME OUT OF HERE!’ by Andrew Oxspring, Nick Haworth, Mark & Lisa Hilton
For any performance of any part of ‘I’m An 11-Yr-Old…GET ME OUT OF HERE!’ to an audience other
than staff and children (eg. if you perform to parents), a valid performance licence from Edgy
Productions must be held. Please note, your PRS, MCPS, CCLI or similar local authority-issued
licences do not cover you for this. Unless you purchased a performance licence and/or a recording
& duplication licence when you bought this production pack, please ensure you complete and
return this form at least 28 days before your first performance:
• by email – info@edgyproductions.com
• by post – please check www.edgyproductions.com for address details
The performance licence will permit the holder to do the following:

• Perform a musical up to 5 times in one academic year, to a public audience, within your school. *
• Reproduce song lyrics on paper or for display on interactive whiteboards or similar screens.
• Photocopy the script and score for the cast to learn lines and musicians to play the songs.
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Veteran presenters, Grant and Bex, inform the audience that, due to ‘budget constraints’, this
year’s ‘I’m A Celebrity…’ will be filmed a little closer to home and will not feature the usual cast
of famous B-listers! Renamed ‘I’m An 11-Yr-Old…GET ME OUT OF HERE!’, the show comes
live from your school, starring your children (and a few unwitting grown-ups!) whose collective
experiences go to prove just what a jungle primary school can be!
Song – Welcome To Our Jungle
By winning stars in a series of challenging school-themed trials, and by re-living some
‘highlights’ from their time together, our 11-year-olds hope that by the end of the show they’ll
be granted their rite of passage to ‘big school’. However, it promises to be far from easy!
In the show’s first segment, we take a look back at what daily life in ‘camp’ has been like,
paying particular attention to the comings and goings around the dunny! Who knew just what a
hub of social activity the school loos could be? With so much going on, it seems that bouncers
have been employed to keep things under control! Song – It’s All Happenin’ In The Dunny
Next up is the first of the live trials to be taken on by our campmates…and it’s an eating trial!
Facing ‘School Dinner Surprise’, the chosen ones are presented with a banquet of memorable
dishes from the 1970s, under the watchful eye of old-school dinner lady, Audrey Allsop. Will
liver, onions, spotted-dick and lumpy custard be a mouthful-too-far for children brought up on
pizza? Well, it’ll be fun finding out! Song – Lumpy Custard
In spite of constant interruptions by the headteacher, Hannah Harrington, who is desperate to
be on the telly, the show continues with a second fly-on-the-wall look at daily life, this time
focusing on the critters that can be found lurking around camp. The habits of one particular
species, the Infant, are watched by famous naturalist, David Hat’n’umbrella, as he lifts the lid
on some wildly bizarre behaviour! Song – Little’Uns
The second live trial really tests the brain-power of another group of campmates…or rather
their significant adults! With a bit of willing (we hope) audience participation, can the picked-on
family members earn stars for their kids in the devilishly-difficult literacy challenge, ‘There,
Their, They’re’? Well, if they fail then the consequences will be rather…how can we put it?
Messy! Song – Rules And Regulations
We’re straight into our third live trial – the most horrific challenge imaginable! Entitled ‘Cringe’,
the chosen campmates must simply endure a minute in their parents’ company, in a public
situation, without uttering the phrase ‘You are so embarrassing!’ If they can withstand being
kissed at the school gates, being cheered-on and waved-at enthusiastically during a race on
sports day, or being told that ‘music in the 90s was better than the rubbish they listen to
nowadays’, then stars will be won and they’ll get closer to their release from camp.
Song – Cringe
‘Letters From Home’, a regular feature of the show, brings camp life to a fitting end…well, sort
of. Rather than outpourings of emotion, these letters are a collection of the worst excuses
imaginable for late arrival to class, unfinished homework and other misdemeanours. There is
definitely a whiff of suspicion that they weren’t written and sent in by parents!
Song – A Letter From Home
So, with experiences endured and challenges overcome, have our campmates done enough
to secure their release? Are they sufficiently prepared for the rigours of big school? You bet
they are, and with a show-stopping finale the whole cast and audience come together in
celebration of the wonderful time spent together at primary school!
Song – Get Me Out Of Here
52 speaking parts in order of appearance

(easily increased or reduced to suit your numbers – see p38.)
Grant & Bex – the show’s presenters For a
Millie & Mandy – makeup artists with a mountain to climb character
Director – keeping things running smoothly line-count
& costume
Bev & Nigel – bouncers at the dunny door suggestions,
4 Boys & 5 Girls – in the dunny queue see p39
Headteacher – trying to grab some limelight
Audrey Allsop – 1970s dinner lady, leading the ‘School Dinner Surprise’ trial
6 Contestants – taking on the ‘School Dinner Surprise’ trial
David Hat’n’umbrella – famous naturalist
Teacher – on playground duty
2 Infant Girls – stalking the playground for prey
2 Infant Boys – competitive alpha males
2 Teachers – presenting the ‘There, Their, They’re’ trial
4 Contestants – taking on the ‘There, Their, They’re’ trial
Stephanie & Graham Bland – presenting the ‘Cringe’ trial
4 Contestants – taking on the ‘Cringe’ trial
2 Embarrassing Mums & 2 Embarrassing Dads – they are the ‘Cringe’ trial
6 Teachers – in receipt of some extraordinary letters from home
Non-speaking characters
Stage Crew members – 4 or 5 in number
A Waiter/Waitress – lifting the cloche on some tasty treats
(and if numbers allow, to feature in specific songs…)

More Infants
More Teachers
More Embarrassing Parents
Letter-writers
For a FREE
Word.doc
of the script to
edit yourself,
please email
us directly
(As the opening theme tune plays (track 9), presenters Grant and Bex enter
and stand centre-stage. They have towels/capes round their necks and are having their
faces powdered by two makeup artists, Millie and Mandy. Four or five other stage crew,
with headphones and clipboards, busy themselves. The backdrop shows the recognised
show title of ‘I’m A Celeb…’ As the theme tune fades, the director approaches.)
Director Grant, Bex, are you about ready, my lovelies? We’re going live any moment!
Clear the floor everyone!
(Millie and Mandy pull the capes from round the presenters’ necks and, with the stage crew, exit.
Grant and Bex are each handed a clipboard – they have quite a lot to say throughout the show and
their lines can be written as cues on their clipboards.)
Director (backing off-stage) Okay, and we are live in 5, 4, 3… (miming 2, 1 and exiting)
Grant Hello everyone, and welcome back to the jungle for this year’s ‘I’m A Celeb…
Bex (interrupting) No, Grant. Didn’t you get the memo?
Grant Memo? What memo?
Bex (flicking through pages on clipboard) Errr…this

one! (reading) ‘Owing to budgetary
constraints, this year’s camp will be situated a little closer to home, at (your
school’s name) school!’
Grant Okay, well if you’re sure! Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to
(name) school, where we will shortly meet our celebrities.
Bex No, Grant!
Grant What now, Bex?
Bex This year, owing to even more budgetary constraints, there won’t be any
celebrities either.
Grant No celebrities? But it’s in the title! (pointing at backdrop) So who’s going to be in
the camp?
Bex Read the autocue!
Grant ‘This year, we’ll be looking back at

(leaning forward, squinting and reading slowly)
the unique set of trials, challenges and experiences faced by a group of 11-
year-olds during their time at primary school.’ 11-year-olds? Seriously?
Bex 11-year-olds…year 6s…P7s…whatever you want to call them. The past

seven years, twenty-one gruelling terms, all come to an end today. If they
earn enough stars during this show, they will be ‘released’ from primary
school, free to start the next exciting chapter of their lives…..at ‘big school’!
Grant (finger in ear, talking to the off-screen team) You’re sure about this? One hundred
percent? Okay, if you say so! (to the audience) So, let’s meet our celebrities…
Bex 11-year-olds, Grant.
Grant Sorry, 11-year-olds. Will they make it out of camp in one piece, or will they
crumble in the face of some quite brutal challenges? Well, we’re about to find
out! Hold on to your hats, and your stomachs, ’cause things might get a little
messy on ‘I’m An 11-Yr-Old….
Both …GET ME OUT OF HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE!
(As the new theme tune plays (track 10), the backdrop changes to show the new title
– see scenery suggestions p37. The rest of the cast enters, in groups according to
the scene/challenge they will feature in during the show. They do the obligatory turning-
to-the-camera as per opening credits of ‘I’m a Celeb…’ They wave and stand in their
groups, ready for the opening song. If you require an extended theme tune for a
larger cast, use track 41. Fade the theme tune when all are ready.)
Song
Track 1 - vocal demo
Track 11 - backing track
Lyrics p29
(As the theme tune plays (track 12) the cast sits in groups to the side and in front of the stage.)
(The stage crew enter and busy themselves. Millie and Mandy start touching up Grant and Bex’s
makeup. Fade the theme tune when ready.)
Grant (to Millie) Surrounded by all these children, I’m starting to feel a bit old. Y’know,
(pointing at audience) like that lot. Can you make me look a little younger?
Millie (sniggering) Yeah, right!
Mandy We’re makeup artists, not magicians!
Grant & Bex (to the audience, hands on hips) Rude!
(Millie and Mandy exit along with the stage crew.)
Director (backing off-stage) Okay lovelies, we are live in 5, 4, 3… (miming 2, 1 and exiting)
Bex Welcome back! Right, it’s time for our first fly-on-the-wall look at what’s been
going on here since our campmates started in year 6, last September.
Grant Yes. During their final three terms here, there’s one corner of school that has
become a real focal point for our 11-year-olds. A place where they can
congregate in between lessons…and sometimes during lessons!
Bex In fact, it has become such a hub of social gathering, that you’d be forgiven
for mistaking it for a nightclub!
Grant What are we talking about? That’s right, that special place in any school….
Grant & Bex ...the Dunny!
(As the theme jingle plays (track 13), Grant and Bex exit. Two screens/display boards
stand centre stage, with the recognised male toilet symbol on one and the female
symbol on the other. A male and female bouncer, Nigel and Bev, each wearing a black
suit and shades, stand in front of their respective screen. They each hold a clipboard.)
Bev Okay Nigel, are you ready for another shift? I just hope it doesn’t kick off
again on your side, like yesterday!
Nigel Me too, Bev. I don’t know what it is about the clientele I get in here, (pointing to
the male symbol) but they seem a lot rowdier than the crowd you get.
Bev Ha! Don’t you believe it, Nigel. You wanna see what some of my lot (pointing to
the female symbol) get up to in here! Makes your toes curl!
Nigel Well, one thing’s for certain, your side smells a lot nicer than mine! I tell you
Bev, it gets so ‘fragrant’ over here sometimes, I’m surprised the paint hasn’t
peeled off the walls!
Bev That’s because my lot don’t have the complication of having to hit a target
like yours do. The thing about a target, Nigel, is that sometimes you miss it.
Know what I mean?
Nigel I do, Bev, I do. Right, look lively! Here comes the early-doors crowd. Have a
good session…see you at closing time.
(Four boys and five girls, in school uniform, line up either side of their respective ‘door’. The boy
and girl at the back of each queue hop from foot to foot, clenching and in obvious need of the loo!
Bev and Nigel glance down their own queue and check what’s written on their clipboards.)
Bev (to Girl #1, first in female queue) And you are…?
Girl #1 Aleesha. (pointing to Bev’s clipboard) There’s my name.
Bev And your reason for being in this queue, Aleesha?
Girl #1 Mascara. I pinched this from my older sister. I’m not

(producing a mascara brush)
very good at applying it yet ’cause the bathroom mirror at home is too high.
The one in here is the perfect height, so I thought I’d get some practice in.
Bev Well, you’d better not use that to write rude messages on the wall, you hear?
Go on then, in you go.
(Girl #1 goes behind the female screen. On the boys’ side, Nigel looks at Boy #1 suspiciously.)
Nigel (to Boy #1, first in male queue) Simon? I thought we’d banned you.
Boy #1 Ah, no, that was all just a misunderstanding. You see, I’d had a particularly
tiring PE lesson and when Daniel Harrison asked me to put his trainers away
that I’d borrowed, in my exhausted and confused state I mistook the urinal for
his PE bag…..and put his trainers in there. It was a complete accident!
Nigel So we’re not going to have any more trouble from you?
Boy #1 Absolutely not. (producing a pot of hair gel) I’m just here to do my hair. Oh, and
I’ve got this (pointing to a spot on his chin) that needs a squeeze. Gotta look my
best…I’m in yr 6.
Nigel In you go then, handsome! But no funny business.
(Boy #1 goes behind the male screen. Girls #2 and #3, arms linked, are next to be spoken to by Bev.)
Bev Sameena and Grace? Do either of you ever come here without the other
one? You are allowed in on your own, y’know.
Girls #2 & #3 We know. But since we were separated in class for

(speaking in unison)
always chit-chatting, this is the only time we can have a good gossip.
Bev In you go then girls. You’ve obviously got a lot to catch up on.
(Girls #2 and #3 go behind the screen, arms still linked. Boy #2 is blocked by Nigel.)
Nigel Look, I’ve told you, if your name’s not on my list, you’re not coming in.
Boy #2 Oh, come on! Look what I’ve got! (fanning out a selection of football stickers) I’m
meeting a year 4 kid who’s gonna give me a fiver for this Harry Kane!
Nigel (looking at the stickers) Tell you what, give me that Raheem Sterling and we’ll…
(tapping his nose)…say no more about it?
Boy #2 (grumpily handing over the sticker) Fine! So can I go in now?
(Nigel stands aside and Boy #2 goes in. Boy #3 tries to follow but is blocked by Nigel.)
Nigel Let me see some ID. This is the Yr 6 dunny and you look a bit young.
Boy #3 (desperate to follow Boy #2) But I need to see that boy who’s just gone in. He’s
got something for me!
Nigel Not without proof of age. Sorry. On your way!

(Boy #3 exits. Girl #4, wearing a coat, woolly hat, scarf and mittens, stands shivering.)
Bev Ah, Daisy, back again I see. What’s up? (sarcastically) Are the arctic conditions
out on the playground too much for you?
Girl #4 Absolutely! It’s freezing out there! Do you know if my usual spot by the
heater’s free? My hands and feet are like blocks of ice.
Bev (glancing behind the screen) Yes, it’s free, but the heater’s not turned on today.
Girl #4 Not turned on?! What do you mean not turned on?! How is it not turned on?!
Bev Because it’s the middle of July! Okay, in you go before you catch your death!
(Girl #4 goes behind the screen. This leaves Boy #4 and Girl #5, still clenching and hopping on the
spot by their respective bouncer, obviously about to burst!)
Nigel If you could just wait a minute…..(looking at clipboard)
Boy #4 It’s Amir…..(pointing at clipboard)….there’s my name. I’m kind of in a hurry!
Nigel Yeah, thanks Amir. Like I said, if you could just wait a minute. We’re really
busy this playtime.
Girl #5 It’s Katie. I should be on the list. I’m a regular. A very ‘regular’ regular!
Bev Yes, Katie, just be patient. It’s one-in-one-out at the minute. We’re at
maximum capacity.
Boy #4 (in agony) Please!
Girl #5 (in agony) Please!
Bev Won’t be long now.
Nigel Any minute.
(The hopping and clenching intensify, until Boy #4 and Girl #5 relax their shoulders and, with a
mixed look of both ecstasy and shame, let out a big sigh!)
Boy #4 & Girl #5 Too late!
(The boy and girl hobble away in opposite directions, heads bowed, as Bev and Nigel watch them
go. We hear the school bell (track 14) and Bev and Nigel bang on their respective doors.)
Bev & Nigel That’s time, ladies and gents. On your way back to class!
(The other children emerge from behind the screens and join Bev and Nigel. The rest of the cast
stand and are led in the next song by the characters from this scene.)
Song
Lyrics p30
(As the theme tune plays (track 16) the groups again sit to the side and in front of the stage,
which is made ready for the next scene. If you require an extended theme tune, use track 41.)
(Grant, Bex and the stage crew enter and busy themselves. The crew exit as the theme tune fades.)
Director Okay lovelies, we are live in 5, 4, 3… (miming 2, 1 and exiting)
Grant Welcome back!
Bex Hey Grant, you’re looking a little… flushed.
Grant Well, it is a bit stuffy in here.

Bex Has someone been yanking your chain?
Grant No! What are you on about? Oh, I get it. You’re making rubbish jokes about
the dunny. Okay, Why did the loo paper roll down the hill?
Bex Why?
Grant To get to the bottom!
(They both laugh as the Headteacher enters.)
Head Sorry to interrupt. I’m Hannah Harrington, the Headteacher. Has someone
offered you a cup of tea? Oh...(noticing the camera and starting to ‘preen’)…are we
being filmed? Did I mention that I once played the title role in a West End
play? When I say West End, I mean the West End Working Men’s Club in
town. I played the title role in the drama club’s version of The Little Donkey.
Yes, I was the little donkey. Well, when I say I was the little donkey, I played
the back half of the little donkey. But everyone said I was made for the part.
(One of the stage crew enters and ushers the head off, as she continues to wave at the camera!)
Grant Anyway, where were we? Ah yes, now it’s time for a live trial! Everyone’s
favourite: a bush-tucker eating trial, which we have called…
Grant & Bex School Dinner Surprise!
Bex (to the seated groups) The public have been voting in their millions and decided
that...(pointing to various groups)…it’s not you…it’s not you…it might be you...
Grant The public have decided that the group doing School Dinner Surprise is…you!
(The theme jingle plays (track 17) and Grant and Bex stand back. Another group of
six children takes to the stage, each carrying a water bottle. They sit behind a long
table covered in a tablecloth, facing the audience. They each have a knife, a fork and
a spoon. Audrey Allsop, a 1970s ‘dinner lady’, stands in attendance. A waiter/waitress
enters carrying a plate of food covered with a cloche – see props suggestions p37.)
Audrey Welcome to our 1970s dining hall. I’m Audrey Allsop, a 1970s dinner lady.
Yes, that’s right, ‘dinner lady’, and before we get any complaints, that’s what
we were called back then! On today’s menu is a school dinner classic…
(the waiter lifts the cloche)…liver and onions with mashed potato, peas and
gravy! (annoyed at the ‘eeeews’ and gagging from the contestants.) Oh, for heaven’s
sake, stop those silly noises! Honestly, children today! Now, pay attention.
Between you, you have to eat everything on this plate to each win a star. I
will be checking your mouths to make sure that you’ve swallowed it all. Okay,
when you’re ready…3…2…1….EAT!
(The contestants look in horror at the audience, but #1 is brave enough to try first and slowly raises
a fork with a piece of dark brown food on. S/he eats it, chewing rapidly!)
Cont. #1 (gagging) So children really had to eat this in the olden days?!
Audrey Had to? They wanted to! They loved it! That’s proper, honest food, that is.
None of this new-fangled, foreign rubbish, like…what’s it called...peeeza?
Cont. #1 It’s ‘pizza’ and I’d rather be eating that, than this chewy…whatever it is!
Audrey I told you, it’s liver and onions with mashed potato, peas and gravy. Have you
tried the mash? Come on, get it down your neck!
Cont. #1 But it’s grey and full of lumps!
Audrey That’s where all the goodness is. The more lumps the better!
(Contestant #1 swallows another mouthful then presents an open mouth for inspection.)
Audrey Very good. Come on then, the rest of you. This plate needs clearing!
(As the theme tune plays (track 18), the other contestants take mouthfuls from the plate. One
distracts Audrey by getting her to look elsewhere and spits the liver into their hand and hides it.
Another flicks the bit of liver into the audience! Contestant #6 puts a piece into their mouth, chews,
finds they enjoy it and scoffs the lot! As the music ends, they all present empty, open mouths for
inspection. The waiter/waitress takes the plate away as the contestants take rapid swigs from their
water bottles! The waiter/waitress brings on two bowls underneath cloches…and a large jug.)
Audrey For pudding you have a choice of two all-time favourites. Firstly...(removing the
first cloche)…tapioca, which was fondly referred to as ‘frog’s spawn’!
(The contestants react with horror, then peer at the bowl in fascination!)
Cont. #2 I’m pretty certain that this is not meant for human consumption!
Cont. #3 Are you absolutely sure it’s not actual frog’s spawn, from the school pond?
Cont. #4 Well, I’m not touching it. I don’t care if I don’t get a star and have to stay here
for another year!
Cont. #5 Nor me. I’d rather cut the top of my head off and eat my own brains!
Cont. #6 You said there was a choice. What’s the other pudding?
Audrey (removing the second cloche) Et voila! Spotted Dick!
(The contestants collapse in fits of laughter at the name!)
Cont. #2 Spotted Dick! Haha! Really?! What’s Spotted Dick?
Audrey It’s sponge pudding filled with currants and sultanas.
All Conts. (without hesitating) We’ll have that one!
Audrey A wise choice. But before you tuck in…(lifting the jug)…one lump or two?
Cont. #3 What do you mean, ‘one lump or two?’ Lumps of what?
Audrey Why, custard of course! (pouring noticeably lumpy custard over the pudding) School
custard back in the day had quite a bit of…texture!
Cont. #4 You’ve ruined it!
Cont. #5 That is proper disgusting!
Cont. #1 I suppose you’re going to tell us that all the goodness is in the lumps?
Cont. #6 Well, I think it looks delicious!! Can we start?
Audrey Please do!…3…2…1….EAT!
Cont. #6 Stand back guys. I’ve got this one covered…
(As the theme tune plays (track 19), Contestant #6 again scoffs the lot as the others look on,
gagging at the sight. As the music fades, s/he presents an open mouth for inspection.)
Audrey Well, that’s a clean plate and an empty mouth, so that’s the challenge over
and all the stars have been won!
(All cheer and Grant and Bex stand forward, each holding three stars.)
Grant Congratulations! Here are your stars. BUT…you can’t have them just yet.
There’s just one more thing to do, to earn them and get a step closer to
getting out of here.
Bex So, if you have stopped gagging, perhaps you’d like to lead us in a song?
And if you can get this room rocking, these stars are yours. Are you up to the
challenge?
All (enthusiastically) YOU BET!
(The contestants, Audrey and the waiter lead the cast in the next song.)
Song Track 3 - vocal demo

Lyrics p31
(The song ends and, during the audience applause, a star is given to each of the contestants. The
theme tune then plays (track 21) and the groups again sit to the side and in front of the stage,
which is cleared for the next scene. If you require an extended theme tune, use track 41.)
(The stage crew enter and busy themselves. Millie and Mandy are again touching up Grant and
Bex’s makeup. Fade the theme tune when ready.)
Director Can we hurry with the makeup please? The ads break will be over soon!
Grant (batting Millie away) Go easy there! I don’t need that much powder to look good!
Millie No, but a team of plastic surgeons would help!
Grant (to the audience, hands on hips) Rude!
Bex Whereas I have I’ve been told that I have a perfect face.
Mandy Yes… for radio!
Bex (to the audience, hands on hips) Even ruder!
Grant Well, wasn’t that last challenge offal?
Bex Yes. It was liver.
Grant No. It’s a joke. It was ‘offal’? Sounds like ‘awful’! Get it?
Bex (not impressed) Anyway, it’s time for…
(The Headteacher interrupts.)
Head Sorry to interrupt. You will clear up the hall before you leave, won’t you? It’s
hired out for OAP Zumba later and we can’t have octogenarians slipping on
offal! (preening to the camera) Did I tell you that I had dinner with Simon Cowell
once? Oh yes! When I say ‘with’ him, I mean we ate at the same restaurant.
Well, when I say the ‘same restaurant’, he was actually eating inside and I
was outside with my faced pressed up against the window. He did speak to
me though. When I say spoke to me, it was more of a hand gesture.
Grant Right. It’s time for another look at camp life. On a daily basis, our campmates
have to try and avoid the pesky critters that inhabit every nook and cranny.
Bex Yes, these tiny, grubby creatures are a constant source of irritation. What are
we talking about? You got it…infants!
Grant And here’s the famous naturist, David Hat’n’umbrella, to tell us more about
these little…
Bex Grant! Read the autocue properly! David Hat’n’umbrella is a ‘naturalist!’
Grant That’s what I said!
Bex No, you said ‘naturist’! There’s a difference between naturist and naturalist.
Let me explain….
(As the theme jingle plays (track 22), Bex puts an arm round Grant, whispering in his
ear as they exit. Grant is noticeably embarrassed by his gaff! Popular ‘naturalist’, David
Hat’n’umbrella enters, wearing safari clothes, a pith helmet...and carrying an umbrella!
If possible, he speaks in the familiar tones of the real David Attenborough.)
David H. So, here we are in the territory of Infantus Horribilis, commonly known as ‘the
infant’. A terrifying, swarming predator, its hunting zone is the school
playground. You join us at morning break, which is prime hunting time. The
on-duty teacher, the infants’ preferred prey, has just emerged and must try to
cross the playground whilst avoiding attack.
(David H. moves to one side as a teacher enters, wearing a coat and carrying a coffee cup and
biscuit. She stands centrally, twitching like a nervous gazelle!)
Teacher Okay, I only need to survive fifteen minutes – it’s not that long if I keep my
wits about me! Then again, they brought down Miss Gaskell within five
seconds of her coming out of the door for yesterday’s playtime duty!
David H. (commentating from the side) As

the teacher timidly waits, her scent has already
been picked up by two lurking infants! As with many species, it’s the females
that do the hunting.
(Two infant girls enter, one stage left and the other stage right, slightly behind and either side of the
teacher – see costume suggestions p39. They stand with hands as claws!)
Inf. Girl #1 (sniffing the air) I smell instant coffee!
Inf. Girl #2 (sniffing the air) I smell digestive biscuits!
(They spot, then stealthily approach, the unaware teacher.)
David H. In classic pincer formation, the hunters close in on their prey!
Teacher So far so good. I might actually get to the end of playtime in one piece!
David H. But today is not her lucky day! With skill and precision, the infants pounce on
the unfortunate teacher!
(In a coordinated leap, the girls land either side of the teacher with a simultaneous, loud ‘Hello Mrs
Wilson!’ The teacher gives a startled yelp, causing her coffee to fly out of her cup!)
Teacher Girls! (clutching her chest and gasping heavily) I really wish you wouldn’t do that!
You nearly gave me a heart attack!
Inf. Girl #1 (now adopting a sweet demeanor) Can we hold your hand?
Inf. Girl #2 And walk round the playground with you for the whole of playtime?
Teacher (sighing heavily, forcing a smile and speaking through gritted teeth) Yes, okay then, if
you really want to. (as they walk off) Oh, for pity’s sake, why are your hands so
sticky?!
(They exit. An infant boy enters – messy hair, smudge marks on his face, dirty knees and hobbling
because his shoes are clearly on the wrong feet! He sits centrally and starts picking his nose.)
David H. In another part of the playground, we find a male, his mobility impeded by the
fact he has his shoes on the wrong feet. In his weakened position, he is
confronted by another male, challenging his status as the dominant alpha.
(A second infant boy enters, sucking a carton of milk through a straw. He stands by the first boy.)
Inf. Boy #2 What are you doing, James?
Inf. Boy #1 (moving his finger from his nose to his mouth) Just having a snack.
(Boy #2 discards the milk carton, envious of Boy #1’s ‘snack’! He sits down and they both pick their
noses and eat! They both then simultaneously sniff and wipe their noses noisily on their forearms.)
David H. After feeding, the competition for alpha status intensifies.
Inf. Boy #2 James?
Inf. Boy #1 Yes Billy?
Inf. Boy #2 What’s your best pet? I’ve got a guinea pig.
Inf. Boy #1 Yeah, well, I’ve got a tortoise and two dogs.
Inf. Boy #2 Actually, I’ve got three dogs and…and…nine...nineteen cats.
Inf. Boy #1 Yeah, well, I’ve got a panda…a real one.
Inf. Boy #2 Yeah, me too...and a tiger.
Inf. Boy #1 Yeah, well, I did have a tiger too, but he got eaten by my T-Rex. My dad is a
real-life dinosaur-catcher, and he got me one for Christmas.
Inf. Boy #2 Oh, right. (thinking) James, what’s the highest you can do a wee?
Inf. Boy #1 What do you mean?
Inf. Boy #2 When you do a wee, what’s the highest you can make it go? (raising his hand to
his chest) I can do a wee this high.
Inf. Boy #1 Oh right. Yeah, (raising his hand to his forehead) well I can do one this high.
Inf. Boy #2 Yeah, (raising his hand above his head) well I can do one this high.
Inf. Boy #1 Yeah, (standing up and raising his hand above his head) well I can do one this high.
Inf. Boy #2 Yeah, (standing up on tiptoes and raising his hand above his head) well I can do one
this high. And I’ll prove it to you. Come on!
(They run off stage, still arguing. The teacher wearily re-enters, grimacing, with the two infant girls
still attached to her hands!)
David H. As the males head off behind the PE shed to continue their contest for alpha
status, the females have still not managed to wear down their prey.
Teacher I know he’s handsome, but no, I’m not going to

(smiling through gritted teeth) Yes,
marry Mr Harris. We are just colleagues. And anyway, I’m already married.
Now please, will you let go of my hands and go and play somewhere else.
Inf. Girl #1 Mummy’s married too, but she said she would marry Mr Harris if he asked her.
Inf. Girl #2 What about Mr Carlton? Would you marry him? I think he’d marry you.
Teacher (exasperated) Girls, please! Enough!

(She lets out a final huge sob and sinks to her knees in submission, whereupon the girls both
smother her in a big hug.)
David H. Their prey finally subdued, the females’ job is done. The males return to the
pack. (The boys re-enter pulling up their zips and wiping their hands on their shirts!)
Neither has managed to assert his dominance over the other, so the contest
will continue at lunchtime play, by seeing who can eat the most worms from
the raised beds in the Key Stage 1 garden. In the meantime, the infants will
return to class where they’ll be expected to explain the differences between
co-ordination and subordination in the joining of clauses in a complex
sentence. Until next time…
(The infants wave excitedly as they, the teacher and David lead the whole cast in the next song.)

Lyrics p32
(The theme tune plays (track 24) and all again sit to the side and in front of the stage, which is
made ready for the next scene. If you require an extended theme tune, use track 41.)
Grant Do my teeth look okay? I’m very proud of them.
Bex Mine too! (baring her teeth) What do you think?
Millie Both of you have teeth like stars.
Grant Bright, shiny and a vision of perfection?
Mandy No…they’re yellow and far apart!
Grant Welcome back! Now it’s time for our next live trial in which our contestants
must face another one of their fears. This trial’s called ‘There, Their, They’re’
(said with the comforting tone ‘there, there, there’)…a grammar challenge with a twist!
that...(pointing to various groups)…it’s not you… it’s not you… it might be you...
Grant The public have decided that the group doing ‘There, Their, They’re’ is…you!
(As the theme jingle plays (track 25 ) Grant and Bex stand back as four more
contestants, #7-10, take to the stage. They each sit in a chair facing the audience.
Under each chair is a bucket! Two teacher-presenters enter, wearing gowns and
mortar board hats. They carry on an easel and flip chart on which are written a
series of sentences with blank spaces for the missing words ‘THERE’, ‘THEIR’ or
‘THEY’RE’. Teacher #2 holds three blutac-backed cards, each with one of these
missing words clearly written on.)
Teacher #1 So, to win stars in this challenge, you must demonstrate that you have
grasped some simple rules and regulations in the correct use of grammar.
Teacher #2 Err, well, actually…when we say ‘you must demonstrate…’, that’s not entirely
true. For this trial we thought that you’d like to see someone else taking all
the risk! So, if you have a parent, grandparent, carer, or any other reluctant
guest in tonight’s audience…go get ’em!
(The four contestants each retrieve an adult from the audience and sit them in a chair, while they
stand behind them. You should choose adults whom you know can take some gentle ribbing, are
up for a laugh…and who are not wearing expensive clothes!)
Teacher #1 So, (to Cont. #7) tell us your name and who you have brought up here with you.
Cont. #7 My name’s (name) and this is (name), my mum/dad/auntie etc.
Teacher #1 Well, lovely to meet you both. So, (pointing to the flip chart), I will reveal some
sentences which contain gaps. You, (name of Cont. #7) must read them aloud,
saying the word ‘there’ in each gap. Obviously it could be ‘their’ or ‘they’re’,
but they all sound the same, so it doesn’t matter!
Teacher #2 What does matter is that (name of adult) sticks the correct word (showing the
‘THERE’, ‘THEIR’ and ‘THEY’RE’ cards) in the correct gap. They’ll have 5 seconds
to do this, from when you’ve finished reading. If, after those 5 seconds, when
the klaxon sounds, all cards are correctly in place, you win a star.
Teacher #1 If, however, any cards have not been placed correctly, or you run out of time,
we’ll find out exactly what’s in those buckets beneath your chair! Are we
ready? Here are your cards (handing them to the adult) and your 5 seconds will
begin once this sentence has been read. Ready…(revealing the sentence)…go!
Cont. #7 Look at those two infants over _____. Urgh! _____ both picking
(reading)
_____ noses!
(The timer starts (track 26) and the adult must quickly get up and stick the cards in the gaps. The
klaxon sounds after 5 seconds and the teacher stops any further attempts to stick the cards.)
Teacher #2 (to adult) Okay! sit back down and we’ll see how you’ve done.
If cards have been placed correctly:
Congratulations! You have earned your child a
(reading the complete sentences)
star which Grant and Bex will give to him/her after the trial!
If cards have been placed incorrectly or time has run out before all gaps have been filled:
I’m afraid that’s wrong. It should be…(rearranging the cards correctly and reading the
sentences) So, let’s discover the contents of that bucket, shall we!
(If incorrect, Cont. #7 lifts the bucket and tips the contents – see props suggestions p37 – over
the seated adult’s head!)
Teacher #2 So, moving swiftly along, (to Cont. #8) tell us your name and who this is.
Cont. #8 My name’s (name) and this is (name), my mum/dad etc.
Teacher #2 Ah! Then this should be fun! (to adult) This is a literacy trial and we’ve seen the
letters you’ve sent into school. It’s like they were written by a 5-yr-old!
(Teacher #1 unsticks the cards from the flip chart and gives them to Cont. #8’s seated adult.)
Teacher #1 Okay, here are the cards. You have 5 seconds to place them into these new
sentences once (name of Cont. #8) has read them aloud. Ready…(flipping the
chart to reveal the next sentences)…go!
Cont. #8 (reading)What is it about teachers? _____ really untidy! Is _____ any chance
they’ll ever clear up the mess on_____desks?
(The timer starts (track 27) and the adult gets up and tries to stick the cards in the gaps. The
klaxon sounds after 5 seconds and the teacher stops any further attempts to place the cards.)
Teacher #2 So, who do we have next? (to Cont. #9) Tell us your name and who’s with you.
Teacher #2 Seriously? This is who you’ve chosen for this trial? (to adult) We’ve seen your
social media posts. Ever thought about turning on the spell-checker function?
Teacher #1 Okay, here are the cards. You know the drill by now. Ready…(flipping the chart
to reveal the next sentence)…go!
Cont. #9 Is _____ anything more annoying than when a grown-up wants help
(reading)
with _____ phone or tablet? Sometimes _____ just not cut-out for the
modern world!
(The timer starts (track 28) and the adult gets up and tries to place the cards in the gaps. The
klaxon sounds after 5 seconds and the teacher stops any further attempts to place the cards.)

Teacher #1 So, who do we have next? (to Cont. #9) Tell us your name and who this is.
Teacher #1 Hmmm. Didn’t you sign the recent permission slip for your child’s trip with an
X? This bodes well….not!
Teacher #2 Okay, here are the cards. So, for the last time in this trial, ready…(flipping the
chart to reveal the next sentence) …go!
Cont. #10 One of the most common mistakes people make when writing, is
(reading)
choosing _____, _____, or _____ incorrectly.
(The timer starts (track 29) and the adult gets up and tries to place the cards. The klaxon sounds
after 5 seconds and the teacher stops any further attempts to place the cards.)
Obviously, there is no correct or incorrect placement of the cards in this case, as any card
can be placed in any gap. In the interests of comedy, however…
Teacher #1 (to adult) Oh dear, I’m afraid that’s wrong. It should be…(rearranging the cards in a
different order)…like that. So, let’s see what’s in that bucket under your chair,
shall we!
(Cont. #10 lifts the bucket and tips the contents – see props suggestions p37 – over the seated
adult’s head!)
Teacher #2 And with that messy final round, that’s the ‘There, Their, They’re’ challenge
complete! Let’s count up the stars that have been won.
(Grant and Bex step forward and present stars to the contestants whose adults successfully placed
the cards, while Teacher #2 counts them aloud.)
A star is withheld from Cont. #10. There may be others who also failed the task and their
stars are withheld too.
Teacher #1 Now, there is a chance for the rest of the stars to be won! You’ll notice there
are still (say the number of un-tipped buckets) buckets under certain chairs! If the
adults sitting in the chairs allow these buckets to be emptied over their
heads, the stars are yours. Adults, what do you say?
(With encouragement from the audience, the remaining ‘clean’ adults should agree, and the
contents of their buckets are deposited! Grant and Bex step forward.)
Grant Now, before you shoot off back to camp, yes, you’ve won your stars for this
trial, but if you want to keep them….
Bex …you guessed it! You’re going to have to sing for them! Take it away!
(The teachers are joined by others in gowns and mortar boards, if numbers allow, and with the
contestants they lead the cast in the next song.)
Song
Lyrics p33
(The theme tune then plays (track 31) and the groups again sit to the side and in front of the
stage, which is cleared of the mess from the previous scene and made ready for the next scene. If
you require an extended theme tune, use track 41.)
Director As quickly as we can now! I need this mess sorting!
Millie What, (nodding towards Grant and Bex) this mess? We’re going as fast as we can!
Mandy Yeah, some messes take longer to sort out than others!
Director (backing off-stage) Okay lovelies, we are live in 5, 4, 3…(miming 2, 1 and exiting)
Grant Welcome back! Now it’s time…
(The Headteacher enters.)
Head Sorry to interrupt. I just wanted to let you know that we’re not expecting a fire
drill today, so if you do hear the alarm…get yourselves out of heeeeeere!
(laughing at her own joke) Did you see what I did there? (preening to camera) Oooh,
did I mention that I used to dance with Darcey Bussell?
Bex (bored) Really, at the Royal Ballet School?
Head No, at Miss Twinkletoes’ Tap for Toddlers. Well, when I say I danced with
her, I mean there was a photo of her on the wall.
Grant Anyway…where were we? (squinting at autocue) Ah yes. Now it’s time for yet
another trial, which is very aptly called…‘Cringe!’
Bex Yes, and this involves something that fills all 11-year-olds with dread. Worse
than school dinners, worse than critters and worse than literacy lessons!
Grant It’s the devastating humiliation of being embarrassed, in public, by their

parents! Something we can all relate to, eh?
that...(pointing to various groups)…it’s not you…it’s not you…it might be you...
Grant The public have decided that the group doing the Cringe challenge is…you!
(As the theme jingle plays (track 32) Grant and Bex stand back as four more
contestants, #11-14, take to the stage. They each sit in a chair facing the audience.
Two parent-presenters, Stephanie & Graham, enter. Dressed semi-casually and age-
appropriately, they may be described as ‘slightly boring’ in their appearance!)
Stephanie Welcome to ‘Cringe’, a challenge which aims to find the breaking point of an
11-year-old!
Graham At the hands of their parents, how much humiliation can a child stand before
they crack and utter the phrase, ‘You are so embarrassing!’
Stephanie My name is Stephanie Bland and this is my husband, Graham. We have

learned through experience, that humiliating our pre-teen children can be
avoided with a little attention to detail.
Graham As you see, from our non-offensive clothing and neutral haircuts, we
minimise any potential embarrassment that our appearance may cause.
Stephanie We also tend to keep our opinions on things like modern music to ourselves.
We don’t comment on current trends and certainly don’t try to follow them.
Graham We’ve learned to not engage too closely with our child in front of their friends,
in case we say something too middle-aged. In fact, we’ve learned not to
engage with our child full-stop. We find it helps.
Stephanie And over the next few minutes, we hope this trial will highlight the pitfalls that
all of you need to avoid, in order to achieve calmness and serenity in your
relationship with your sons and daughters.
Graham So (to Cont. #11), without further ado, let’s meet our first 11-year-old. Tell us
your name and something you find ‘cringe’! Oh, and just to point out to you
older viewers, ‘cringe’ is no longer used as a verb. Young people use it as an
adjective – for example, ‘Dad, your trainers are proper cringe!’ You see?
Cont. #11 My name’s (name) and something that’s well cringe is when my mum drops
me off at school. I swear she still thinks I’m in year 1.
Graham Well, we’re going to see this in action! If you, (name), can get through the next
minute without saying the phrase ‘You are so embarrassing!’, you’ll win a
star. So, come and stand here…(Cont. #11 stands)…give us a thumbs up if
you’re ready…(thumbs-up is given)… okay, bring on the parent!
(Embarrassing Mum #1 rushes on gives the child a tight hug!)
Mum #1 Oh, my darling Booboo. I hope you have the most wonderful day at school.
Remember, I love you so much and will miss you while we’re apart.
(The child squirms uncomfortably!)
Stephanie Oh, no! Look at that child’s face! I think s/he’s going to crack!
Cont. #11 Mum! Seriously?
Mum #1 Now, I’ve put your dinner money in an envelope (with a little note saying I
love you) in your coat pocket, along with a little pack of tissues for your poorly
runny nose.
Graham Oh dear, s/he can’t be far off!
Mum #1 And don’t worry, I’ll keep waving until you’re safely through those doors and
inside. Run along now, Booboo, (puckering lips) and maybe just one kiss?
Cont. #11 (breaking free and stomping off) You are sooooo embarrassing!
Graham She’s done it! She’s defeated the child! Congratulations, Mum!
(Treating it as a victory, Mum punches the air with a ‘Yessss!’ She fist-bumps Stephanie and
Graham and exits after the child.)
Stephanie So, let’s meet our next victim…sorry, I mean 11-year-old. (to Cont. #12) Tell us
your name and something you find cringe!
Cont. #12 My name’s (name) and sometimes, when I’m out with my friends, I bump into
my dad and he’s wearing totally inappropriate clothes and trying to talk like
he’s from the streets.
Stephanie Well, let’s take a look. Remember, if you can last a minute without saying the
phrase ‘God! You are soooooo embarrassing!’, you’ll win a star. But I’ve got
to be honest, I don’t fancy your chances! So, come and stand here…
(Cont. #12 stands)…give us a thumbs up if you’re ready…(thumbs-up is given)…
okay, bring on the parent!
(Embarrassing Dad #1, dressed like a rapper, saunters on and strikes a gangsta pose! He
attempts street slang, but delivers it awkwardly!)
Dad #1 Wassup, G? Wagwarn? Fancy bumping into you in dis hood.
Cont. #12 (shaking head) Oh my days! Dad, you’re an accountant. What are you doing?
Graham Oh no! Signs of an early crumble from the child. Can s/he last?
Dad #1 Just chillin’. Enjoying the vibe. Feelin’ peng.
Cont. #12 (mortified) Peng? Really?
Stephanie It could be over….
Dad #1 Don’t get vexed, bruv! Let me flash my dollar and buy you and your posse a
box of wings, innit.
Cont. #12 (running off) You are sooooo embarrassing!
Stephanie And he’s done it! Congratulations, Dad! Fantastic effort. Another child bites
the dust!
(Dad #1 punches the air with a ‘Yessss!’, fist-bumps Stephanie and Graham and exits.)
Graham That’s two down, two to go and still no stars won. Okay (to Cont. #13) Tell us
your name and something you find cringe!
Cont. #13 My name’s (name) and it’s my Mum when she comes to watch me on sports
day. It’s just one thing after another.
Graham Well, let’s see if you can stomach it today. You can actually stay sitting down
for this one, but give us a thumbs up if you’re ready…(thumbs-up is given)…
Okay, bring on the parent!
(Embarrassing Mum #2 enters, wearing a summer dress, a floppy hat and sunglasses. She carries
a hamper which she puts down next to Stephanie.)
Mum #2 Hi, I’m Felicity. Okay to pitch-up here? It’s the best spot to get a
(to Stephanie)
photo of my child winning her race, which of course she will. I’ve got the new
i-phone 13 pro (taking a phone from the hamper), see? It takes great action shots.
Cont. #13 (from his/her seat) Mum! Please!
Mum #2 (waving)Oh, there you are! Good luck, darling! (to Stephanie) She won’t need
luck – she’s a natural athlete, like me. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s
selected for the next Olympics! She should be warming up though. The sack
race is very demanding on the legs. (shouting) Darling, you need to warm up!
Cont. #13 (mouthing and gesturing from her seat) Go away!
Mum #2 (to Stephanie) Speaking of warm-ups, I need to get ready for the mums’ race.
(taking a pair of top-notch trainers from the hamper) Brand new Nike Air Max. Not that
I need them – I could win this race in wellington boots. In fact, I did last year.
I left the other mums for dust, wearing an old pair of Hunters.
(She begins doing exaggerated stretches and lunges, blowing her cheeks and jogging on the spot.
Her child is open-mouthed in humiliation!)
Stephanie I reckon that should just about do it….
Graham And there we have it! Child down! Well done Mum!
(Mum #2 punches the air with a ‘Yessss!’, fist-bumps Stephanie and Graham and exits.)
Stephanie Let’s see if we can make it a clean sweep. (to Cont. #14) Tell us your name and
something that’s cringe!
Cont. #14 I’m (name) and my Dad’s always saying that the music I listen to is rubbish
compared to the stuff he used to listen to, back in the 90s. When he drives
me to school, he has his CDs blaring out so everyone can hear!
Graham Well, let’s experience this first-hand, shall we, and see if it’s as bad as you
make out. Come and stand here…(Cont. #14 stands)…give us a thumbs up if
you’re ready…(thumbs-up is given)… okay, bring on the final parent!
(Embarrassing Dad #2, dressed like Liam Gallagher in his heyday, swaggers on!)
Dad #2 Look, all I’m saying is this Stormy bloke, or whatever he’s called, isn’t proper
music. And that K-pop stuff! What’s that all about? In my day…
Cont. #14 Here we go…
Dad #2 …we had real bands, like Oasis. Even the Spice Girls, who I absolutely never
ever listened to, had something about them. Especially that Ginger Spice –
know what I mean, eh? Kids today just don’t have a clue.
Graham Now you see, I am with him on this one. I rather think he may have a point.
Cont. #14 Well, okay. It’s just personal taste, I guess. But he doesn’t have to play it out
loud in the car, on the school run, his elbow on the open window, nodding his
head like a chimp and singing at the top of his voice about a ‘wonderwall’!
What’s a wonderwall? It’s just nonsense!
Dad #2 Nonsense? Tell me what’s nonsense about this……(singing at the top of his
voice)…’cause maybe, you’re gonna be the one that saves me, and after all,
you’re my wonderwa-a-all!
Stephanie Oooh! Wait for it…..
Stephanie You know, for a minute there I thought we’d lost that one. But you clawed it
back with some epic dad-singing. Well done!
(Dad #2 punches the air with a ‘Yessss!’ and fist-bumps Stephanie and Graham. Grant and Bex
step forward with four stars.)
Grant So, we need to present stars to the winning contestants…but there aren’t any?
Graham Err, yes. It seems our parents were just too embarrassing! What shall we do?
Bex Well, we really want these stars to be given, because we really want our 11-
year-olds to get out of here at some point! So how about we do what we’ve
done already. If they can come back and get this place jammin’ with a
bangin’ song…
Stephanie Careful! You sound like an embarrassing parent, Bex!
Bex Apologies! If they can entertain us with some ‘splendid singing’, then I reckon
they can have the stars. Do you agree?
All YEAH!
(The contestants and their embarrassing parents come back to lead the cast in the next song.)

Lyrics p34
(The theme tune then plays (track 34) and Grant and Bex hand out the stars to the contestants.
The groups then sit to the side and in front of the stage.)
Grant I’m not one to brag, but (making various ‘fitness’ poses) Bex and I have just signed
up for a photoshoot as fitness models.
Millie Fitness models? What, you two? Really?
Bex Errr, yes! Is that so hard to believe?
Mandy Oh, right. Did they hire you as the ‘before’ pictures?
Director (backing off-stage) Okay lovelies, we’re into our final section and we are live in
5, 4, 3…(miming 2, 1 and exiting)
Grant Welcome back! So, we’re very nearly at the end…
(The Headteacher enters.)
Head Sorry to interrupt. It’s just that the premises officer is getting a bit cranky
because he wants to lock up the school. Any idea how long you’ll be?
Bex Just heading into the last section, Ms Harrington. You know, we would be
finished a lot quicker if you didn’t keep…
Head And just checking, (coyly) are any of my appearances going to make it into the
final edit? I do think your viewers will appreciate what I have to offer. By the
way, I also sing. In fact, my partner tells me I’m becoming more like Susan
Boyle every day. (warbling) I dreamed a dream in time gone by….
(One of the stage crew enters and ushers the head off, as she carries on singing!)
Grant Anyway, as I was saying, we’re coming to the end of the show and it’s time
for a viewers’ firm favourite…Letters From Home. Let’s find out just how
much our campmates friends and families have been missing them since…
Bex No, Grant. That’s not what Letters From Home involves this year. We’ve
changed it.
Grant Changed it? How?
Bex You’ll see…..
(As the theme jingle plays (track 35) Grant and Bex stand back as six teachers take
to the stage. They stand in a line facing the audience. Teachers #2-6 each hold a
hand-written letter. Teacher #1 holds a dictionary.)
Teacher #1 A letter from home, in a primary school setting, is defined in the following
way: (reading from the dictionary) ‘A poorly-written excuse for a child’s absence,
lateness or failure to hand in homework, which may come from a parent, but
in reality is likely to have been written by the child, with a forged parent’s
signature.’ We have a selection to share with you – all examples of letters
we have received this year. Here’s a pretty standard one to start with, which
my colleague will read out.
Teacher #2 (commenting as she reads) Deer (spelt D-E-E-R) Mrs Chapman, I apogolise (what
does apogolise mean?) for Jacks (no apostrophe) late arrival at school. All the
tyres was punctured (were punctured) on our car and we was not able (were
not able) to find the keys. Yours faithfully (should be sincerely), Jacqui
Braithwaite.’ A couple of suspicious lines there. However, the grammar,
punctuation and spelling errors are as we’d expect from parents at this school,
so we’re on the fence about whether this one is genuine.
Teacher #3 (reading) ‘Dear Mr Evans, Gemma hasn’t got her homework sheet because
the cockerpoo was sick all over it. I’ll do it again and bring it in tomorrow.
Sorry, Steve Howard.’ So, firstly, this is a variation on the ‘my dog ate my
homework’ letter, which was common thirty years ago. This may be an
indication it was written by an adult, however, ‘I’ll do it again..’ is a phrase
which immediately raises suspicion. Either the child has written this letter, or
it’s an admission that the parent is doing the child’s homework for them.
Either way, she’s in trouble!
Teacher #4 Now, sometimes letters are perfectly written in terms of grammar,

punctuation and spelling, and certainly do have a sophisticated adult tone.
However, there is usually one glaring give-away that it’s from a child. See if
you can spot it in this one: (reading) ‘Dear Miss Hilton, I hereby inform you that
Zac Davis will not be in school tomorrow as he has an all-day consultation
with the dermatologist to assess an outbreak of eczema. We anticipate he
will be back in attendance the following day and will, of course, catch up on
any work he has missed. Signed…’ wait for it…‘my mum’! A rookie error
which has exposed his obvious inexperience in forging letters from home.
Teacher #5 This next one is a classic. It may or may not be genuinely written by a parent,
but it’s the content itself we take issue with. (reading) ‘Dear Mrs Cooper, I’m
sorry that Daisy was not at school yesterday for the important maths test, but
we were attending the funeral of her Great-Aunt Mable who passed away
suddenly. Daisy, like the rest of our family, is still very upset and would rather
not talk about it. Yours sorrowfully, Diane Morrison – parent.’
Now, obviously with such a delicate subject, I thought a sensitive reply was
required, so I wrote back: ‘Dear Mrs Morrison, I’m so sorry for your family’s
loss and understand that Daisy must be very upset, especially as this is not
the first time Great-Aunt Mable has passed away. Indeed, we were sorry
when you told us that she had first passed away last October and then again
in March, both times coinciding with a maths test which Daisy was due to
take. With sincere condolences, Mrs Cooper - teacher.’
Note: if the subject of a Great Aunt passing away three times is too sensitive a subject
within your group, refer instead to a tortoise or some other non-cuddly pet.
Teacher #1 So you see, it’s very difficult to pull the wool over our eyes. It’s not very often
that we get taken in by such blatant lies, especially after all our years of
experience. So parents, if you or your child is going to send in a letter
explaining absences or missing homework, please, for everyone’s sake, just
be honest! Like this…
Teacher #6 (reading) ‘Dear Miss Evans, I apologise for Harry’s late arrival on Monday.
Basically, we thought the clocks were going back on Sunday, not forward.
Nevertheless, the little so-and-so would have still been late seeing as it took
me an hour to wake him up due to the online X-Box session he and his
mates had until 3.30am. In light of this, you might also want to check the
reasons that Isaac, Jamie and Daniel gave for their lateness the same
morning. Now, about the missing homework: all I can say is that I, my
husband, our complete extended family and network of friends, have never
heard of a ‘fronted adverbial’ and wouldn’t know what to do with one even if
we had. And from the explanation Harry tried to give us, neither does he, so
we let him play out instead! Yours sincerely, Amy Anderson, his mum.
All Teachers And you can’t argue with that!
(The teachers lead the song but are joined by children who sing solo lines from their letters.)
Song
Lyrics p35
(The theme tune then plays (track 37) and the whole cast takes up positions on, around and in
front of the stage. All sit.)
(Grant and Bex stand centre stage surrounded by the stage crew.)
Grant So, those letters from home bring us to the end of our show! What a final
year it’s been for our leavers! So many challenges overcome and
experiences…well, experienced in their time at primary school.
Bex Has it been enough to prepare them for the next chapter in their lives? And
have they won enough stars to earn a relaxing summer holiday and a ticket
to ‘big school’? (to the ticket-holding contestants) Everybody, hold up your stars
and let’s count them!
Head Sorry, could I just butt in here….
Director …why break a habit!
Head Can I suggest that we forget about the stars? I just want to say that the
achievements of this wonderful group of young people cannot be measured
in stars, or grades, or numbers on a spread sheet. We don’t need any of
those to see how they…how we…have blossomed and grown over the last
few years. We also know that anything which grows needs to be nourished.
To all the adults, in school and at home, this journey would have been
impossible without your love, care and support. You have given us the best
start we could have wished for, so as well as ‘goodbye’ we want to say,
‘thank you.’ (to the rest of the cast) Let’s give them all three cheers…hip hip..etc.
Now, about that song I’d like to sing….
Bex …Ah, yes, maybe later! We’ll save it for the after-show party, shall we? We
do need to wrap things up here. Everybody, what an evening it’s been!
Grant But it’s come to an end, so to all of you watching and all of you here on
stage, there’s really only one thing left to say, and that is…
All I’m an 11-yr-old…GET ME OUT OF HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE!
During the instrumental section of the final song, the cast members are introduced
individually, or by group, and they take a bow. For larger casts, we have included a backing
track with an extended instrumental section.
Song
Track 40 – extended backing track
Lyrics p36
To help your cast learn the songs from this musical at home, they are
available to stream on all major platforms.
Simply search each song by its title and by artist ‘Edgy Productions’
Verse 1 Welcome to our jungle,

Where things get pretty wild!
School’s a little risky,
No place for a child!
But somehow we’ve survived
This roller-coaster ride,
For seven years! So, give three cheers,
’Cause we all got out alive!
Chorus It’s a jungle! Welcome to our jungle,

Why don’t you come on in!
It’s a jungle! Welcome to our jungle,
And let the fun begin!

Where things get pretty hot!
School’s a pressure cooker,
One big melting pot!
And every now and then
They turn it up to ten,
And when this joint’s at boiling point,
We blow the lid again!
Chorus It’s a jungle….
Middle Challenges and trials aplenty,

Kept us on our toes.
How we made it through,
Well, no-one knows!

Where things get pretty fierce!
School’s a real adventure,
There’s laughter and there’s tears!
But as we walk away
There’s one thing left to say,
To wave ‘so long’ it feels so wrong,
’Cause we really wanna stay!
Chorus It’s a jungle….

YEAH!
(sung in a cockney ‘Chas ‘n’ Dave’ accent if possible!)
Verse 1 Well I was sittin’ in the classroom,

I felt a rumble down below!
I put my hand up, told the teacher,
‘Hey Miss, I really gotta go!’
So she kindly released me
And I was walkin’ on air,
But you shoulda seen the queue
Just to do a number two!
There’s somethin’ goin’ on in there…
Chorus Yes, it’s all happenin’ in the dunny!

It’s kickin’ off inside the loo!
The party’s pumpin’ in the lavvy!
Oh, it’s a real ballyhoo!
It’s gettin’ crazy in the khazi,
Oh, what an atmosphere!
The WC is the place to be –
The hottest spot round here!
Verse 2 Well, there’s a crowd around the mirror,

With little room to swing a cat!
(Girls) Aleesha’s smuggled in mascara,
We wanna have a go on that!
(Boys) Look at the state of me barnet!
Let’s have the hair gel, please.
(All) Then make a little space
’Cause this pimple on me face
Is gonna need a great big squeeze!
Chorus Yes, it’s all happenin’ in the dunny…
Middle I can’t ignore what I came here for,

My gasket’s nearly blown!
But I need space in a quiet place
And so I’ll wait ’til I get home!
Chorus Yes, it’s all happenin’ in the dunny…

Dunny! Loo! Loo! Dunny! Lavvy! Lavvy! Dunny!
Verse 1 Aaaah! Aaaah!

There’s the bell! What’s that smell?
Oh no, I’ve started feeling rather unwell!
Now’s the time to stand in line
And be the victim of a culinary crime!
Aaaah! Aaaah!
A sense of doom fills the room
As the dinner lady takes a serving spoon
And offers me a choice of three
Things you wouldn’t feed your worst enemy!
There’s liver or there’s Spam
With veg from a can,
We just haven’t got no clues what to choose!
Then to finish off there’s twenty gallons of
Lumpy custard!
Verse 2 In that dish, is it fish?

Well, whatever, it don’t look too delish!
The gravy’s cold and six months old,
It would appear that real toads have been holed!
The semolina tastes like wallpaper paste,
And this spotted dick is as hard as a brick!
How can these desserts get any worse?
Lumpy Custard!
(Dinner Ladies) Here, have a try of this shepherds’ pie,
What d’you mean ‘where’s it been?’
You cheeky little tyke!
Did I hear someone say the mashed potato’s grey?
I’m not sure I can eat any more!
But when you think you’re done
There’s always room for some
Lumpy custard!
Custard! Custard! Lumpy, lumpy custard!
Custard! Custard! Lumpy, lumpy, lumpy,
Lumpy custard!
Verse 1 Little’uns! Everywhere you turn there’s a little’un!

Watch you don’t trip up or even sit on ’em!
Little’uns! Full of germs and eating worms!
They’re little’uns! Wriggling around, can’t get rid of ’em!
Scuttling here and there without a care,
They should be in a zoo!
But not so long ago, as everybody knows,
Each of us was once a little’un too!

Dirty fingers up their noses, picking ’em!
Little’uns! Snotty sleeves and scabby knees!
They’re little’uns! Tiny, grubby hands, always sticking ’em
Where they don’t belong, but hang on…
Isn’t this déjà vu?
’Cause not so long ago, as everybody knows,
Middle They’re funny little creatures,

So hats off to their teachers
Who nurture them day-in day-out,
Who don’t get cross and never shout…well hardly ever!

But if they need a hand try to give it ’em.
Little’uns! Just be nice, that’s our advice.
Oh, little’uns! Don’t be in a rush to say you’re sick of ’em.
They’re learning all the time, which is fine,
’Cause that’s what we all do.
And not so long ago, as everybody knows,
Verse 1
(Teachers) As teachers we believe, for children to achieve,
They must rely on rules and regulations.
This instruction we make clear: everybody must adhere
To simple use of rules and regulations.
The ‘i’ should go before the ‘e’ except when after ‘c’,
We really need no further explanation.
And if such methods they perceive,
Great wisdom they’ll receive,
And all because of rules and regulations.
(Child) What about ‘height’? What about ‘weight’? The ‘e’ is before
the ‘i’ and there’s no ‘c’?
(Teachers) Ssshhh!
Verse 2
(Children) So, learning literacy can cause anxiety
When trying to follow rules and regulations.
Teachers get in quite a huff if we haven’t learned enough,
In spite of all their rules and regulations.
(Teachers) You see, some children may confuse
Which ‘there’ they have to use
But really there’s no need for consternation.
Well, if their ‘there’ is really ‘they’re’,
Their apostrophe goes there.
We solved it all with rules and regulations!
(Child) All this is making my head spin!
(Teacher) There, there. Never mind!
Verse 3
(Child solo) Well, I’ve been in this school for seven years
And ’aven’t learned a thing,
In spite of all these rules and regulations.
Me adverbials ain’t fronted and I know that it sounds dumb,
But I always thought a colon was located up your……
(Teacher) Yes, yes! That’s quite enough of that!
(All) So when your primary school years are over, my dears,
Remember all our proclamations.
And you’ll be a success, never fail to impress,
Because of rules and regulations!
(spoken) Oh my days! Are you really going out wearing that?

Well don’t expect me to stand next to you!
Ah, you cannot tell that joke again! You’ve told it like a
thousand times already….to my friends!
You’re so embarrassing!
Chorus It’s cringe! The things that they do!

Are your parents embarrassing you?
We know just what you’re going through,
Because our parents embarrass us too!
Verse 1 (solo/duet rap)

Listen! I’ve got an issue.
Why do they wipe your face with a tissue?
And stand outside the gates and try and kiss you?
Waving and shouting that they’ll miss you! Oh my days!
Chorus It’s cringe! The things that they do…

I mean, every sports day it’s the same…
All the mums look fine on the starting line,
It’s the parents’ race and now’s their chance to shine.
But look at that mum – there’s always one –
Doing her stretches slipping her Nikes on, on, on!

You see, my dad thinks that he’s so cool,
With the CD blaring on the way to school,
With the windows down, but the problem is
All the tunes he plays are from 1996! Ahhh!
Verse 4 If you’re listening, hear this prayer

From cringing children everywhere.
Show some mercy, won’t you spare us
From our suffering?

IT’S CRINGE!
Verse 1
(Teachers) A letter from home must be treated with caution,
As the contents therein
Might not always be as they appear.
And the stories we’re told have a whiff of distortion
And we must disentangle
The swindlers from the sincere!
(The children read their letters)
(Child 1) My Jimmy is late ’cause the cars out of fuel!
We can’t find the keys and the tyres are punctured again!
(Child 2) My poor daughter’s bus didn’t stop at the school,
And she had to walk for an hour and a half in the rain!
Verse 2
(Teachers) A letter from home must be viewed with suspicion
And a big pinch of salt should be taken
When reading each line.
Each feeble excuse in this phony submission,
Isn’t really the reason
Your homework’s not finished on time.
(The children read their letters)
(Child 3) The dog chewed it up!
(Child 4) Well, we ran out of paper!
(Child 5) Our computer crashed making all of her notes disappear!
(Child 6) Had to rush to the vet with our pet alligator!
(Child 7) Our Great Auntie Mable has died…
(Teachers) For the 3rd time this year?
Verse 3
(Teachers) Oh, we've seen it all before.
We know just what we're looking for;
Spelling mistakes galore,
And this handwriting looks like it came from a child of four!
Let’s just hear the truth. Give an honest confession:
You hadn’t revised for this morning’s arithmetic test?
Or you had a lie-in ’cause your Playstation session
Went on well past midnight
And you thought you fancied a rest?
How could you believe that we’d not guessed?
Busted!
Note: if the subject of a Great Aunt passing away three times is too sensitive a subject
within your group, change that line to: ‘Our elderly tortoise has died…’
Verse 1 We came through those big old doors

At just the age of four,
But now we’re sad to say that we
Can’t be here anymore!
You see, we gotta be leaving,
We gotta be moving on.
Though we don’t wanna believe it,
It’s time that we were gone!
Chorus We’ve been together seven years,

Now get me, get me, get me, get me out of here!
Time to beat it, disappear,
So get me, get me, get me, get me out of here!
Verse 2 How we’ve blossomed, how we’ve grown

Each and every day.
We’re walking tall and ready for
Whatever comes our way.
But now we gotta be leaving,
Gotta spread our wings and fly.
Though we don’t wanna believe it,
It’s time to say goodbye!
Chorus We’ve been together seven years…
Instrumental (a chance to introduce your cast members to the audience by

name, as they each take a bow.)
1..2..3..4!
Get me…get me…get me…get me!
Chorus We’ve been together seven years…
Repeat Chorus
‘I’m An 11-Yr-Old…’ has been written to be adaptable to most school hall set-ups, whether
you have a stage or not. Below is just one representation of a possible staging layout.
Display boards back wall Display boards
Main Stage Seating for

Seating for
cast groups
cast groups
Floor space for whole cast songs,

choreography, action, seating etc. as required
Audience
• Scenery
We recommend using our digital backdrops for display behind the main stage – see our
website for details. However, if you prefer to create your own backdrop, decorate the wall
with a jungle mural, over which the show’s iconic title lettering ‘I’m A Celebrity…Get Me
Out Of Here!’ is displayed. The ‘I’m A Celebrity...’ lettering can be removed to reveal the
‘I’m An 11-Yr-Old…’ underneath, before the first song, as prompted on p6 of the script.
• Furniture
Scene 2: 2 free-standing display boards/screens.
Scene 3: 2 classroom tables and 6 chairs.
Scenes 5 & 6: 4 chairs.
• Props
Scene 1: 2 towels. 2 makeup brushes. Clipboards and headsets for the crew.
Scene 2: A4-sized Male and female toilet symbols attached to the screens. 2 clipboards. A
mascara brush. A pot of hair gel/wax. A handful of football stickers.
Scene 3: A table cloth. 6 water bottles. 6 knives, forks and spoons. 3 cloches. A plate of
food comprising liver, onions, mashed potato, peas and gravy – this doesn’t have to be
real as the eating of it can be mimed. A bowl of tapioca (or similar) pudding. A bowl of
spotted-dick sponge pudding – again, this doesn’t have to be real. A large jug of lumpy
custard – real or not. 6 yellow cardboard stars.
Scene 4: An umbrella. A coffee cup. A digestive biscuit. A carton of milk and a straw.
Scene 5: An easel. A flip chart. 3 laminated cards reading ‘THERE’, ‘THEIR’, and
‘THEY’RE’. Blu-tac. 4 buckets with the following suggested contents: Cold cooked
spaghetti, labelled ‘Worms’. Cold cooked rice, dyed green, labelled ‘Green Ants’.
Cold set jelly, labelled ‘Slime’. Ripped-up coloured sponges and cut-outs of fish parts,
labelled ‘Fish Guts’. Your children will, of course, have more ideas! 4 yellow cardboard
stars.
Scene 6: 4 yellow cardboard stars.
Scene 7: A selection of handwritten letters.
• Reducing the cast size

Minimum cast number: 22
Most of the speaking and non-speaking characters appear in only one scene. This allows
for the doubling and tripling-up of parts played by your cast, thus reducing the number you
need to fulfil all the main roles. See suggestions below:
Speaking Part Also playing part/s
9 Boys & Girls (Sc 2) All contestants, infants, embarrassing parents and teachers in
scenes 3, 4, 5, 6 & 7
Bev (Sc 2) Audrey Allsop (Sc 3), Teacher (Sc 4) and Parent (Sc 7)
Nigel (Sc 2) David Hat’n’umbrella (Sc 4) and Parent (Sc 7)
Non-Speaking Parts Also playing part/s
More Infants (Sc 4) More Teachers (Sc 5) and More Parents (Sc 7) – 4 of each
Waiter (Sc 3) Stage Crew Member (all scenes)
• Increasing the cast size

To 100+
Firstly, you could have a dedicated choir to lead all songs – number unlimited.
Extra speaking parts can be introduced to share the lines of certain characters. For
example:
• the presenter characters can be added to, so Grant and Bex become a foursome with
two extra presenters based on another famous pair, with existing lines re-distributed.
• Sc 2 – have two female and two male bouncers, with existing lines re-distributed.
• Sc 3 – introduce another dinner lady, with existing lines re-distributed, and a different
non-speaking waiter for each dish.
• Sc 4 – Give David Hat’n’umbrella a co-presenter and have an extra infant boy and girl,
with existing lines re-distributed.
Extra lines and characters could be written into certain scenes:
• Sc 5 – create the opportunity for as many competing child/adult pairings as you’d like
and write more ‘There’ sentences to complete. You could also have more teachers.
• Sc 6 – explore more cringe-worthy behaviour by parents and create more characters to
extend this trial.
• Sc 7 – write more letters of excuse to be read out by extra teachers.
As well as more stage crew for the continuity scenes, you can have unlimited numbers of
non-speaking characters to lead particular songs:
Song: Led by more…
It’s All Happenin’ In The Dunny Queuing children
Lumpy Custard Dinner ladies & waiters
Little’Uns Infants
Rules And Regulations Teachers & children
Cringe Embarrassing parents
A Letter From Home Letter-writers/readers
• Audience seating
Rather than rows of chairs facing the stage, why not set up tables so families can sit
together, or join other families and friends, to enjoy the performance cabaret-style, bringing
drinks and snacks that might typically be consumed during an evening in front of the TV.
Of course, should you have any questions, or if you want further advice about putting on
this musical, please email us and we’ll be happy to give you all the information you need.
NB - a spoken line is defined here as each time a character speaks, usually between 1 & 8 actual lines of text.
No. of In which
Speaking character lines scenes Costume suggestions
Grant 47 All Smart/casual – jacket and jeans. As Ant & Dec on ‘I’m A Celeb’
Bex 41 All Smart/casual – summer dress. As Holly Willoughby
Millie 5 All Black t-shirt, jeans and apron
Mandy 5 All Black t-shirt, jeans and apron
Director 11 All Black t-shirt with ‘Director’ printed on and jeans
Bev 14 2 Black suit, tie and shades
Nigel 14 2 Black suit, tie and shades
Girl #1 2 2 School uniform
Boy #1 1 2 School uniform
Girl #4 2 2 Winter coat, hat, scarf and
Headteacher 8 3,4,6,7 Smart suit
Audrey Allsop 12 3 Tabard over blouse and skirt. White paper catering hat
Contestant #1 4 3 School uniform
David Hat’n’umbrella 8 4 Safari suit and pith helmet
Playtime-Duty Teacher 5 4 Coat and hat
Infant Girl #1 3 4 Gingham school summer dress and plimsols
Infant Girl #2 3 4 Gingham school summer dress and plimsols
Infant Boy #1 8 4 Shorts, polo shirt and plimsols
Infant Boy #2 8 4 Shorts, polo shirt and plimsols
Teacher Presenter #1 11 5 Black gown and mortarboard hat
Teacher Presenter #2 9 5 Black gown and mortarboard hat
Stephanie Bland 14 6 White blouse and beige skirt
Graham Bland 14 6 White shirt and beige chinos
Embarrassing Mum #1 3 6 Casual adult clothes
Embarrassing Dad #1 3 6 Baseball cap, basketball vest, baggy jeans and lots of bling
Embarrassing Mum #2 3 6 Large floppy hat, summer dress, sunglasses and sandals
Embarrassing Dad #2 3 6 As Liam Gallagher – parka, round sunglasses etc
Teacher #1 2 7 Smart adult (teacher) clothes

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‘I’m An 11-Yr-Old…GET ME OUT OF HERE!

’ by Andrew Oxspring, Nick Haworth, Mark & Lisa Hilton

PLEASE READ THIS IMPORTANT INFORMATION BEFORE

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Tel: 01858 288081

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Writers rely on payments from public performances for their livelihoods.

52 speaking parts in order of appearance

(and if numbers allow, to feature in specific songs…)

Bex (interrupting) No, Grant. Didn’t you get the memo?

Grant Memo? What memo?

Bex (flicking through pages on clipboard) Errr…this

Bex No, Grant!

Grant What now, Bex?

Bex Read the autocue!

Grant ‘This year, we’ll be looking back at

Bex 11-year-olds…year 6s…P7s…whatever you want to call them. The past

Bex 11-year-olds, Grant.

Both …GET ME OUT OF HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE!

Millie (sniggering) Yeah, right!

Mandy We’re makeup artists, not magicians!

Grant & Bex (to the audience, hands on hips) Rude!

(Millie and Mandy exit along with the stage crew.)

Grant & Bex ...the Dunny!

Girl #1 Aleesha. (pointing to Bev’s clipboard) There’s my name.

Bev And your reason for being in this queue, Aleesha?

Girl #1 Mascara. I pinched this from my older sister. I’m not

Nigel In you go then, handsome! But no funny business.

Girls #2 & #3 We know. But since we were separated in class for

Boy #2 (grumpily handing over the sticker) Fine! So can I go in now?

Nigel Not without proof of age. Sorry. On your way!

Nigel If you could just wait a minute…..(looking at clipboard)

Boy #4 It’s Amir…..(pointing at clipboard)….there’s my name. I’m kind of in a hurry!

Boy #4 (in agony) Please!

Girl #5 (in agony) Please!

Bev Won’t be long now.

Nigel Any minute.

Boy #4 & Girl #5 Too late!

Director Okay lovelies, we are live in 5, 4, 3… (miming 2, 1 and exiting)

Grant Welcome back!

Bex Hey Grant, you’re looking a little… flushed.

Grant Well, it is a bit stuffy in here.

Bex Has someone been yanking your chain?

Grant To get to the bottom!

(They both laugh as the Headteacher enters.)

Grant & Bex School Dinner Surprise!

Cont. #1 But it’s grey and full of lumps!

Audrey (removing the second cloche) Et voila! Spotted Dick!

(The contestants collapse in fits of laughter at the name!)